Is therapy just a joke, or is it worth getting? Who should I do therapy with? Can I trust my entire life's story with anyone who's not on this site?
Maybe if I tell you my life's story, you can give me life advice.
I was raised by abusive lefty parents who hated their smart white son and often tried to push me towards trannyism. Never fell for it.
First I was sent to a shit primary school. A few kids bullied me there and teachers punished me whenever I fought back. I was a fat angry kid who could punch hard when pushed, and they liked attacking me and then running away. But when we fought properly I'd kick their asses. One time I kicked their asses hard enough to make them stop bothering me.
When I graduated from this school I was sent to the special school of a catholic school, and made the personal property of one old bitch there who hated autistic kids. Around that era I got interested in Game Maker and pokemon romhacking but that interest never amounted to anything, though I did have a USB full of GBA roms and romhacking tools and the fact that I was able to code at such a young age when not all kids were learning that should have shown somebody that I had more to offer the world than shitty schools thought I should.
Thanks to that school, my schedule looked like this: Enter a side building, wait for the day to end, sometimes get insulted by the teachers if they felt like abusing me, usually get to eat lunch at lunchtime but sometimes they wouldn't let me (and it didn't matter whether I brought a packed lunch to school or brought money for the school cafeteria) and eventually go home to a house with parents that, when told the right words by my boomer bullies, would freak out and abuse me at home too. Rarely I'd get to join in a classroom... but class clowns would act up until I'd get blamed for it and sent out.
If I had a tape recorder or decent phone, I could have gathered evidence of the shit said/done to me (audio files of verbal abuse, pics of bruises, etc) and posted it online. But I was never allowed anything like that, because my parents feared I might use it on them. One day at school the art teacher bumped me with her car while backing up into a crowd of kids, I was fine but pissed off and the art teacher shrieked and blame-slinged feministically at me until I lost my patience and started barking back, then she put me in front of the headmaster and I told him about the abusive staff members and called him terrible at his job, so he kicked me out.
Then I was sent to a worthless "speshul" school where a few teachers abused me and the students usually watched in confusion when they weren't joining in. Whenever I trusted an adult enough to tell him or her what happened at home, that adult decided to call child protective services, who sent the same fucking boomer woman over to warn my parents that I was talking about what went on at home again. I couldn't get away from my family until I became the problem of Adult Protective Services, where the slightly less retarded and lazy people go.
A woman my age at the autistics-only youth club I attended got mad at me over retarded internet roleplaying nonsense-drama that didn't even involve me, and she lied about me to the cops and accused me of abusing her, even went to some clinic to fake signs of a concussion she didn't have because she's a spoilt bitch who knows how to play her rich parents like fiddles, she was a low-functioning sociopath woman with histrionic personality disorder and every retarded boomer's sympathy. She lied and got away with it, because the cops weren't interested in this case after she cartoonishly fucked up and started gloating about physically assaulting me without realizing it hurt her case. But even though I said to the managers of the youth club and the friends I knew there "If what she said about me was true I'd be in jail so you know she's lying" they couldn't believe me because they were dumb. There was one weird creepy fucker I used to talk to online because his "woe is me, asian school life is sooo hard" shit kind of reminded me of me at the time, but he got severe TDS and stopped being a person once he stopped viewing me as a person so I'm glad I didn't tell him anything sensitive or identifiable that could fuck me over later in life.
Anyway when I went to college, I was lied to and exploited by the staff until I dropped out. They even tricked me into taking a worthless course that turned out to be the dump where they dump the autistic kids and give them a useless fake newspaper to write. I wish I dropped out sooner, trying to live on barely fucking anything is hard enough when your mom took govt money meant for you, but it's harder when you're forced to spend most of your cash on train rides between your college and shitty home every two weeks and all your cunt government can offer is a discount pass. Now that I'm living alone, I've got a free bus pass I can barely use. Government priorities, am I right?
I am an autistic man, I'm 24 years old, I'll be 25 next year, and I've spent so much of my life as property of someone else that I find it hard to notice when I'm hungry or tired and remember that I should eat or sleep without someone or a phone alarm telling me to. I shower every night before bed but sometimes I miss meals, it's what helped me go from obese fatty to only-slightly-overweight. I don't think I know what it feels like to be loved by someone else. Learning makes me happy and I love documentaries but when I tried an online free learning site it reminded me of school and I couldn't do it. Sometimes I talk to people and act charming like those "Charisma on command" youtube vids told me so they'll like me, but I've never given anyone my full backstory before. The only woman in my life I ever kissed was that bitch who falsely accused me and got away with it. I want to say I have no interest in modern women but I still feel the urge to wank to them. But I don't wank any more because of nofap.
/ub/ - Überhengst
Becoming better
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1000 replies and 203 files omitted.
>>6632
Dude, just stop shitting up the board with your autism and learn to compose legible posts like a normal human being, that's literally all you're being asked to do.
Dude, just stop shitting up the board with your autism and learn to compose legible posts like a normal human being, that's literally all you're being asked to do.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4DUkpWgcR8s
Watching this video helped a lot. Getting a woman who's genuinely supportive and doesn't ever make me feel like I'm playing twister on eggshells for her amusement also helped a lot. It's not healthy for me to call perfectly healthy and normal reproductive urges dark or twisted or too much. There's a lot of seriously fucked up shit out there I'm glad I'm not into. Turns out physical and emotional intimacy can be healing and supportive and good for everyone involved, who knew? Not me. Being raped as a kid fucked me up but I think I'm healing. Looking back I don't resent any of the women I met in my life. I wish I could send knowledge back in time to myself. Maybe if I was cooler and smarter I could have given them the help they needed. Except the naruto obsessed bitch who falsely accused me years ago. Emotionally I feel nothing about her and I'm over it but intellectually I know she's not going to heaven. Also that bitch who tricked me and asked me to write porn for her then yelled to the world "Help! Help! He wrote porn and sent it to me without consent!" isn't going to heaven either. Can't believe I ever thought I could fix them. I was stupid. My mother used to call me gay for not wanting to shag her. I never wanted her or anything about her, she was physically, morally, and emotionally revolting as a person and anyone who can't see it doesn't know her well enough or has a fetish for pedo degenerates rendering their opinion invalid. I should be good at spotting red flags in women but I used to be shit at it.
As a severely autistic person who spent his formative years isolated from reality by his parents and surrounded by awfulness, to the point that I used to piss my parents off by saying "ninjas have been fighting here" or "careful, those are poisoned ninja needles" whenever I saw dirty needles on the ground while pointing at them, effective communication is hard. When I try to imitate people and characters who seem to be liked, sometimes I end up sounding like an idiot, or worse, a prick. That's what the youtube channels about being charismatic say to do but I don't think I'm good at it. Looking back it's hard to believe my pony fics were that shit but it's also entirely plausible. These aren't just stories inspired by a genuine love of FIM. They're also stories tainted by bad advice received during their creation from bronies I talked to at the time, and the desire to fill my story with shit bronies seemed to like at the time. Now that I've realized how shit what bronies liked at the time was, it's a miracle my stories didn't turn out worse. The protagonist was a prick, even during scenes where he was supposed to be less of a prick than usual. He was unbearable. I wanted who he was before meeting the mane six to be different from who he was after meeting them and growing, but looking back this is stupid. The unbearable smugness of who he was before growth was inspired by the brony fandom's obsession with OCs who talked and acted that way. I wonder, if I ever finished it while the fandom was still massive and full of young and mentally young people pretending to know what they're talking about, would the fandom have hated me for writing a story that accidentally attacked their fantasies by presenting the overpowered smug git in love with his own power level as a deeply lonely and pathetic person "before" the character growth that made him someone in a happy healthy mutually supportive relationship with Twilight Sparkle? Then again I was still laboring under the commonly held delusion that more word count=better work, so I doubt anyone would have made it through 1-2 million words of a teenager's fanfic to get to the happy ending where he finally stops being a twat.
People regularly look back on who they were a few years ago, or a decade ago, and cringe. It's a sign that you've grown. People regularly do it openly in youtube videos. I'm glad nobody saw the painfully hard and irritatingly unclear RPGs I made at 11ish or the dogshit mario knockoffs with spikes everywhere and my little sister as a playable character who turns easy mode on. I didn't know how to make climbing work so you could double jump as much as you wanted while touching ropes and vines. People would have torn that game to shreds, accidentally picked easy mode and called it too easy. Or picked me as the other playable character and called it too hard. It's good to look back at yourself and cringe. But people rarely include their influences in that cringing, because that feels like blaming someone else for being the way that you are. At the same time, people don't exist in vacuums unless they're spherical cows. Speaking of my mother, she certainly had her influences on me, influences I've fought to break free from. My father, too.
For a while I felt like I "gave up" on World of Warcraft. It got too shit and I "wasn't strong enough" to make myself keep going. Because that's how people talked about it. But that's fucking stupid. WoW is a scam and playing it is a waste of time. Good media challenges the audience to grow. Bad media is just more of the same unchallenging slop. Still sometimes I'd think "What if I went back and beat WoW for old time's sake?".
But then I realized the only winning move is not to play.
I have beaten World of Warcraft by refusing to play it, and I will continue to do so. That's a healthy attitude to have. I've beaten booze by refusing to drink it. Beaten drugs by refusing to take them. Beaten my parents by refusing to continue letting them force me to be in an abusive relationship under them.
Watching this video helped a lot. Getting a woman who's genuinely supportive and doesn't ever make me feel like I'm playing twister on eggshells for her amusement also helped a lot. It's not healthy for me to call perfectly healthy and normal reproductive urges dark or twisted or too much. There's a lot of seriously fucked up shit out there I'm glad I'm not into. Turns out physical and emotional intimacy can be healing and supportive and good for everyone involved, who knew? Not me. Being raped as a kid fucked me up but I think I'm healing. Looking back I don't resent any of the women I met in my life. I wish I could send knowledge back in time to myself. Maybe if I was cooler and smarter I could have given them the help they needed. Except the naruto obsessed bitch who falsely accused me years ago. Emotionally I feel nothing about her and I'm over it but intellectually I know she's not going to heaven. Also that bitch who tricked me and asked me to write porn for her then yelled to the world "Help! Help! He wrote porn and sent it to me without consent!" isn't going to heaven either. Can't believe I ever thought I could fix them. I was stupid. My mother used to call me gay for not wanting to shag her. I never wanted her or anything about her, she was physically, morally, and emotionally revolting as a person and anyone who can't see it doesn't know her well enough or has a fetish for pedo degenerates rendering their opinion invalid. I should be good at spotting red flags in women but I used to be shit at it.
As a severely autistic person who spent his formative years isolated from reality by his parents and surrounded by awfulness, to the point that I used to piss my parents off by saying "ninjas have been fighting here" or "careful, those are poisoned ninja needles" whenever I saw dirty needles on the ground while pointing at them, effective communication is hard. When I try to imitate people and characters who seem to be liked, sometimes I end up sounding like an idiot, or worse, a prick. That's what the youtube channels about being charismatic say to do but I don't think I'm good at it. Looking back it's hard to believe my pony fics were that shit but it's also entirely plausible. These aren't just stories inspired by a genuine love of FIM. They're also stories tainted by bad advice received during their creation from bronies I talked to at the time, and the desire to fill my story with shit bronies seemed to like at the time. Now that I've realized how shit what bronies liked at the time was, it's a miracle my stories didn't turn out worse. The protagonist was a prick, even during scenes where he was supposed to be less of a prick than usual. He was unbearable. I wanted who he was before meeting the mane six to be different from who he was after meeting them and growing, but looking back this is stupid. The unbearable smugness of who he was before growth was inspired by the brony fandom's obsession with OCs who talked and acted that way. I wonder, if I ever finished it while the fandom was still massive and full of young and mentally young people pretending to know what they're talking about, would the fandom have hated me for writing a story that accidentally attacked their fantasies by presenting the overpowered smug git in love with his own power level as a deeply lonely and pathetic person "before" the character growth that made him someone in a happy healthy mutually supportive relationship with Twilight Sparkle? Then again I was still laboring under the commonly held delusion that more word count=better work, so I doubt anyone would have made it through 1-2 million words of a teenager's fanfic to get to the happy ending where he finally stops being a twat.
People regularly look back on who they were a few years ago, or a decade ago, and cringe. It's a sign that you've grown. People regularly do it openly in youtube videos. I'm glad nobody saw the painfully hard and irritatingly unclear RPGs I made at 11ish or the dogshit mario knockoffs with spikes everywhere and my little sister as a playable character who turns easy mode on. I didn't know how to make climbing work so you could double jump as much as you wanted while touching ropes and vines. People would have torn that game to shreds, accidentally picked easy mode and called it too easy. Or picked me as the other playable character and called it too hard. It's good to look back at yourself and cringe. But people rarely include their influences in that cringing, because that feels like blaming someone else for being the way that you are. At the same time, people don't exist in vacuums unless they're spherical cows. Speaking of my mother, she certainly had her influences on me, influences I've fought to break free from. My father, too.
For a while I felt like I "gave up" on World of Warcraft. It got too shit and I "wasn't strong enough" to make myself keep going. Because that's how people talked about it. But that's fucking stupid. WoW is a scam and playing it is a waste of time. Good media challenges the audience to grow. Bad media is just more of the same unchallenging slop. Still sometimes I'd think "What if I went back and beat WoW for old time's sake?".
But then I realized the only winning move is not to play.
I have beaten World of Warcraft by refusing to play it, and I will continue to do so. That's a healthy attitude to have. I've beaten booze by refusing to drink it. Beaten drugs by refusing to take them. Beaten my parents by refusing to continue letting them force me to be in an abusive relationship under them.
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There's no helping this dude really. Even if he's better off just leaving. The guy's probably making a fool of himself elsewhere.
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