A year later and we've finally come to the final part of the classic 3.5e campaign, Red Hand of Doom.
In Part IV, our heroes finally faced the Red Hand Army, and due to their great labors throughout their adventure, they were able to successfully repel the horde from Brindol and save the say!
After only a day of celebration, new intelligence emerges from the Shadow Guard: The goblin army was only the tip of the iceberg. The Red Hand's true leader is preparing a ritual to open a gate to Avernus and summon a massive army of devils, dragons and undead that, if summoned, would surely spell doom for Brindol, Elsir Vale, and possibly the entire world. With remaining time measured in Days rather than weeks, Lord Jarmaath has called his favorite fantasy SWAT team (the party) to deal with the measure by stopping the ritual and decapitating the enemy leadership by defeating the real BBEG. Lord Jarmaath has ordered Immerstal the Red to fork over his scroll of Teleport to offer the party light speed transportation across the vale, and since I'm feeling generous, they'll also recieve a Minor Schema of Cavalry call (crafted from one of Cromar's [War] spells, that will allow them to summon a small herd of pastel horses to carry them.
Our heroes had best make haste, for time is scarce and the enemy is cunning. Will they be able to defeat the Doom Hand Warpriests and save the world? Only time can tell.
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Welcome back to the Red Hand of Doom part 5! Where we left off, we found a room with a bunch of chanting coming from it and ended the session there, anticipating the end! Will it play out as so, or will something else entirely happen? Pay attention and you'll see!
>Aral sneaks in to the room with all the chanting in it and finds a shitload of clerics all mumbling incomprehensibly around an obviously evil altar
>Around this time, Artorias's gaydar goes off in a big way!
>Is it more ground-swimming necromancer asswipes?
>Multiple ghostly hands reach out of the walls and try to touch people inappropriately, and when they usually end up failing, the owners of said hands are found to be a bunch of modified wraiths serving Tiamat!
Everybody reacts, causing even the clerics in the altar room to start getting ready for battle
>All the wraiths are dealt with quickly, so much so that Artorias only has time to create a spiritual weapon
>Not even use it, that's how fast!
>Up next is the clerics to deal with
>They piss themselves and go invisible just like with Piss Goblin's friends, and surprise surprise, there's two more in special armor colors here!
>Red and Green join their compatriots in being little babbies, and then the whole lot of them do the most original thing we've ever seen hobgoblin clerics do
>Anyway, a pile of hellhounds come out and Artorias Electric Judgements a few of them
>Billie, deciding the dogs couldn't die fast enough for her, lets loose her ult to explode the entire area, killing the hounds, a bunch of the clerics, and becoming the reason that the wraiths died so quickly
>All that's left is Red and Green, and everybody starts piling in on Aral to deal with them
>Red lets loose a massive pile of fire and evil damage, causing everyone but Sothram to take damage and Green does something that everybody but Aral misses
>What Aral misses is the wisdom save to avoid domination
>He also narrowly misses Artorias with a fully charged "fuck you and everything close to you" shot, and misses the fact that Summer Star tried to dominate him as well
>And because this fact was poorly explained, the poor guy wastes an action point on succeeding against this new domination and stays mind controlled!
>To be fair, I think all of us missed that fact though
>Artorias absolute defenses to avoid becoming a teamkill statistic and has Billie get behind him to avoid becoming a target too
>Also, a telepathic shout goes off to Umbrie so that she gets in here and helps to solve this problem
>Luckily, she's able to do just that!
>Green gets his face punched in and dominated Aral finally loses to Summer Star after dealing some more damage to us, leaving just Red
>Red also goes down quickly enough after flubbing more attempts at domination against Umbrie, and then everything quiets back down
>Nice, time to heal!
>Wait, why do we still hear chanting?
>And why is it now getting louder?
>oh shit oh fuck oh shIT OH FUCK OH SHIT OF-
>A half dragon stitched demon rises out of the corpses and glares at us menacingly
>I personally feel the beginnings of a brick forming in my intestines, but it teleports away instead of fighting us
>Brick production stopped
>Good, now we can get back to not dying!
>A new secret door is found and more pathways are found as well, so we go ahead and start looking around in it
>1st room is a room with an altar, one that after some investigation bears the signs of being used to summon a greater planar ally!
>Artorias is 99.9% sure that something's going to go horribly wrong if this thing is touched, but Umbrie decides that it's better to summon a friend than to save our sanity and potentially our lives
>Everybody else goes off and does their own thing for a bit, but Artorias stays in that room while the summon happens
>It's a damn good thing too, because what ends up trying to claw its way out of the summoning circle is NOT a servant of Pelor
>Artorias rushes down Umbrie in a charge and properly vibe checks her into not summoning a fucking pit fiend, and the pit fiend walks away from the now interrupted summoning disappointed
>Artorias is thinking very heavily about reinstating the "DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING" rule from the Ghostlord's lair, but instead marks this area as "destroy carefully" for when Pelor's operatives are sent in to demo op this entire temple
>Now, on to the next room!
>Artorias's gaydar pings twice for this one, so it's probably going to be some powerful monsters, right?
>Artorias SWATs open the door and everybody else is lined up behind him to help with the threats present, but the only things in this room are a 5-headed draconic bong, an immense bed, and some goblin whores
>Unexpectedly, Artorias is forced to make two will saves
>The first save is made, because fuck thots
>The second save, however, is missed because fuck thots
>Despite all of his enormous reserves of racism, this goblin somehow cuts through enough of Artorias's mental faculties to influence him
>Outside his head, he seems entirely fine with this turn of events and even shuts the door on everyone else
>On the inside though, he is BEYOND ANGRY
>And of course, everyone in the party has spent enough time with our favorite cleric to know that he'd sooner stab himself than subject himself to the whims of a goblin, no matter how thicc
>Either that, or OOC I was screaming as the gobbos ordered my character to take off his pants
>So as I REEE for help OOC and Artorias REEEs in his head, everybody else makes a battle plan
>Umbrie breaks in the door, Aral suppression fires into the room, and Sothram stops Billie from witnessing the different brand of horrors present in this fight
>The nature of her birth may not have spared her from witnessing combat, but I won't let her lose every part of her innocence within her first year of life!
>She's just a babby, damnit...!
>>151203>Anyway, the plan goes off with more than a few hitches>Umbrie blows the door open and starts trying to beat the shit out of the whores, but unfortunately it doesn't seem to phase them
they also try to charm her, but she's not gay lmao>Aral also does his part and attempts to pincushion them, but again it just doesn't seem to affect them>The fuck?>Sothram's overgrown pigeon also does his job and keeps Billie put, much to her frustration, but he himself decides that getting into a charisma fight with what his feats tells him are succubi is a good idea>This somehow doesn't work, imagine that!>Now the cleric and the druid are undressing themselves against their will, fantastic!>Artorias manages to slip in a backhanded compliment to one of the two disguised fiends and amasses enough willpower to keep his helmet on, and Sothram manages to interpret the command in such a way that he doesn't immediately lose his clothing>Around this time though, Umbrie and Aral finish downing one of the two whores and the other looks more offended than worried as she grabs her compatriot and teleports out>Everybody gets their clothes back on, though the charm remains active>Unfortunately, I have no spells that let me fix that fact and so they'll just continue being a problem if we encounter them again>Everybody searches the room, and we find a bunch of less-than-useful junk and 5 keys to the temple treasury!>If only we knew where that was...>Oh well, on to the final room on this floor!>We open the door and...>Well, what do ya know!>It's the treasury, and there's a thorny devil and a bunch of bearded devils guarding the 5 chests!>It's a tough fight, but ultimately a demonic manticore is still just a manticore>Also, bearded devils suck butts>Some highlights include Artorias spending multiple turns standing in dragonfire of all types and being incapable of giving a shit, followed swiftly by him traveling back in time a few seconds through a Dragonbreak and saving the party from a TPK!>Either way, the threats are dealt with and we now have the ability to bankrupt the church of Tiamat!>However, financial warfare is for jews and we aren't jews>However, we have now cleared out every non-mandatory encounter in this floor of the dungeon!>Neat...>Well, all that's left is to go up a tube in the altar room and see if there's anything more pressing upstairs from here
Next time, on the Red Hand of Doom part 5! Will the party finally find the ritual that they're supposed to stop and kill the BBEG of Tiamat's band of green simps? Will we get caught up in another session of accomplishing roughly nothing? What kind of loot will be in the chests? Can Artorias and Sothram avoid the succubi for long enough to not be forced into simping again? Will Billie have the rest of her innocence removed at the hands of disgusting fiends in that event? I hope the fuck not! Either way though, the answers will only come in the next session of Red Hand of Doom part 5, so tune in next week! Until then!
It's quite possible that our next session may be our last, or second-last. The adventure is coming to its climax, and I've been preparing precariously to make sure the next session is as fun as possible.
I'm typing this now, because I want to get it off of my chest in case there's some sort of freak accident that disintegrates the group within the next week: thank you all. I've really had fun with this adventure over the course of this past year, and I hope all if you did as well. I've learned a lot about DMing long-term campaigns, and I really appreciate all of your patronage and patience with me. There were creative/fun things I tried to do that never came to fruition because of my own inadequacy, I made a ton of stupid mistakes, and this campaign lasted two months longer than I intended it to, but I do flatter myself in claiming that this campaign wasn't terrible. Running this game has honestly been the highlight of my year, and for that I thank you. To those I started the game with, and to those who joined later, you've all been a blessing.
So thanks guys, it's been a pleasure to play with y'all.
>Party of Artorias the Righteous Knight of our Holy Father of Platinum Scales, his Steel Scaled Adopted Daughter Billie, Aral the walking Embodiment of the Huntress, Night Shroud, the Small Pelorite Nun and Practitioner of Sunset Lion Style, and Batboi
>lots of arguement over who to open each chest and what to open first, Aral Tries Red, we find healing Stash
>Nightshroud opens the White Chest and crits her Reflex. more lewt
>Party Lets Nightshroud open the Chests in Order of Black, Blue, Green, she survives black, but fumbles blue and green exactly for the lewdest damage number, 69
>batboi decides he wants to be a lion now
>new name Mustafa
>mustafa drinks an expired bottle of diet RC cola and becomes Lion for realz.
>Party heals up and buffs thier way mount celestia
>DM's power dies for a 1 hour lunch break, i swear everyone had refridgerator pizza
>not the final fight, but the penultimate fight against everything that got away, 5 Power Rangers, 2 Goblin Shortstacks, Stitches, and a hobgoblin with a god complex i'll just call Todd, Calling the redhaired Thot Karen and the Brunette Stacy
>First Power ranger dies to one sneak attack from sunset bliss
>second power ranger is pincushioned
>Night Shroud is Dominated for the first time of the campaign, disarmed, and ineffective at PVP. going down the tub
>Power Rangers summon thier stunt doubles
>Mustafa murders a power ranger
>Artorias summons Clive and Owen, best team rocket pair
>Clive and Owen murder Power Rangers
>Karen survves 3 holy shurikens and a bunch of arrows
>Todd heals Karen
>Karen and Stacy Flank our new companion, the Archon Rachel
>Nightshroud saves Rachel
>Nightshroud and rachel fuck up Stacy and Karen together. Rachel best girl
>some time travel fuckery happens because more combatants than any of us can track. power rangers and thoughts are dead, Todd the Hobgoblin Champion of the Rainbow whore, is Flanked
>Todd uses AoE Daze and tanks Rachels Holy Word, Mustafa is blind and deaf, rest of party dazed
>Nightshroud Chases Todd to the sky and fucks him up
>todd hijacks billy
>nightshroud fucks up todd some more, todd splits, real todd is hit because Nightshroud has blindsight and can point real one out
>lion hurts todd
>todds control over billie broken by best dad artorias
>todd and fiends are consumed by the petulant rainbow womanchild that is tiamat.
>tiamat sends avatar to fuck shit up
>party flees to brindol
>next session is final battle against tiamats avatar
>you rainbow whore! nightshroud is happy to send your ass back home to twitter
>sunset bliss is back
Welcome back to the Red Hand of Doom part 5, the likely second to last update! Where we last left off, the party had just gotten access to the Red Hand's coffers and has intentions to loot the whole building! Anyway, without further ado...
>Everybody's standing around the red chest, waiting for it to open and show its bounties when it unleashes a belch of fire!
>Almost everybody's fine and whoever isn't only took single digit damage
>No problemos, but the other chests are going to be opened by one person with good reflex saves...
>Once that's over and Umbrie's none the worse for wear, we get to inspecting the loot!
>Lots of random monies, some armor for Sothram and a chug jug that turns him into a hell lion, some new gear for Umbrie that means I get her hand-me-downs, and Aral gets some new stuff too
>Also, a fat wad of healing items!
>Always gotta have more of those, after all
>Anyway, when everybody's sufficiently decked out and ready, we all head back out and do some final preparations before going in to fight the evil goblin man
>Everybody's healed up to full and Artorias spends a hot minute summoning a new fren to help us out in our time of need
>Enter Raz'Thael (Rachel) the Trumpet Archon!
>She's somewhat strung out when first summoned because we ended up dragging her away from defending the Platinum Palace while Tiamat was trying to piss on it or something, so we have to explain why we dragged her away
>Turns out stopping Tiamat from being able to invade the materium is a good enough reason!
>She gives her price, and we buy 12 minutes for 100 GP
>We'll only need 11 ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)
>Innuendos aside, with that deal done we start lathering on the buffs
>Everybody gets plusses to AC at the very least, a few people get buffs to strength, and a couple more get buffs to constitution
>Also, can't forget the mass resist energy!
>Let's not forget that which has saved us from many dragons before
>Once all that's done with though, Artorias casts mass fly and we all ascend through the hole!
>Once we reach the next area, we land and strike our epic hero poses
>We also do our best to taunt the people amassed, but they're all firmly ignoring us out of annoyance
>Also, we can't talk
>We have a second to adjust to this before big blue half dragon gobbo man orders all his assembled lackeys to kill us
>Oh, did I mention that everyone special we met before in this dungeon is here?
>Yeah, Thot 1, Thot 2, Raggedy Asshole the stitch demon, and 5 different colors of "Why won't you die!?"
>They all begin assaulting us, and the battle starts off with them trying to body check us back down the hole
>When that doesn't work, we actually get in proper fights!
>I make Raz'Thael cast some spells trying to get rid of Patches, but unfortunately that does nothing to help
>Artorias gets knocked down the hole but immediately flies back up, Aral almost follows him but doesn't, and Umbrie, Billie and Sothram start putting fists to faces
>Artorias And this is pretty much the status quo for the first half of the fight
>Artorias stays back and buffs/manages summons, Billie plays firm support, Umbrie draws mad aggro and pumps DPS, Aral pincushions things, and Sothram uses the power of his new edgy fursona to show the tiamat worshippers what real darkness looks like
>Beavis and Butthead the Kaortic Hulks make a reappearance and help out with the bodying, and Raz'Thael makes another attempt to dispel at least one of Blue Gob's summons before running out of spell slots to do that and just doing what Artorias is doing too
>The rabble is dealt with in relatively swift fashion, leaving us with just the blue boi himself
>A dispel evil breaks the shield he put around himself, and he emerges in his full power to fight us
>And in his first attack, he chops down half my health bar
>Oh well, this isn't the first time this has happened, it probably won't be the last?
>Still, not good
>But alas, the fight's just begun!
>The guy's put himself behind so many proxies that it's hard to touch him, and so we're there for a couple turns trying to figure out what to do when I decide to hail-mary one of Raz'Thael's spells at him
>Holy word goes off, and while Sothram is rendered blind and deaf, blue bastard's just fine
>He also responds in turn with blasphemy, rendering us dazed and confused
>To make matters worse, he hits Billie with a bad touch!
>It's at this point where IRL I start thinking that a TPK's inevitable and all is lost, and to add insult to injury my imaginary daughter's about to be mindbroken by the TTRPG equivalent of an ugly bastard
>However, good still prevails!
>We manage to beat him to within an inch of his life and Artorias manages to save his daughter, letting Big Blue Butthole live for just long enough to see a touching reunion between them
>When the last light leaves his eyes, Tiamat decides to punch through the border between realities and pay us a visit!
>She eats blue's corpse before the sheer magnitude of her coping and seething causes the entire thane to crumble around us!
>We run back the way we came, making sure to stop back and grab the elf lady before leaving, only to find that she turned to goop just like every other monster and corpse in the building
>When we get out all the way, we finally stop to take a look at what the fuck caused all this
>Surprise, it's an Aspect of Tiamat and she's just as pissed as the real deal!
>Before we deal with that though, it's time to go home and get some rest...
Next time, on the Red Hand of Doom! The true final battle awaits, the fate of the continent and maybe even the world hinges on tomorrow! Will we succeed, or will the world fall into draconic darkness? As always, find out next week in the Climactic Finale! Until then, and as always, it's been an honor!