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Pony Savagely Beats Commie
Anonymous
1asXD
?
No.3544
3546 3548 3549 3550 3588 3800 3872
Who wants to see a fanfic in which, halfway through chapter one, my donut steel OC debates Glimmer and then kicks her ass when she attacks him?
450 replies and 206 files omitted.
Anonymous
WiHXW
?
No.3895
3896 3901
I almost didn't bother writing this post to you and I have honestly descided to stop. I gaiin nothing from this futiled exercise.
>>3884
>Twilight being smart enough to see through his bullshit must be something you have planned for later in the story, because it doesn't come through at all in what you've written. He's done nothing but bullshit her so far, and she's done nothing but suck his dick.
Forshadow that Twi and silver will have a cconflict by having Twi roll her eyes at Silver's
comments othervise we don't expect your story to change after 30,000 words so why stay around to read more?
>You think Twilight's in love with Silver? Give it a minute, he'll fuck it up like the smug autist he is.
But I can't read a 30,000 words in a minute.
>>3847
It seems that after the mods told him this Nigel has actually begun answering some of our critism.

This is the important part of this post. I am curious what do you, the writer of this story, think of the first chapter? Why did you write it that way? What do you find intresting with it? What do you find enjoyable about this piece?


Anonymous
WiHXW
?
No.3896
>>3895
After >>3884 I was going to write: Exactly. Since I agree with glimglam's post.

Glim
!Glam8.itxo
vYqR0
?
No.3897
3899 3900 3901 3950
derpy portrait.png
convergence.jpg
Issue_0_Cover (1).jpg
>>3890
>I've been quite nice to actual critics who had something to contribute to the story.
Your problem is you define "actual critics" as people who tell you things that you're willing to hear. You define "contributions" or suggestions as anything that you can add or change that won't significantly modify what you've already written, or would require any level of serious revision. In short, you believe that your story is basically perfect the way it is and anyone who tells you differently is just a troll or a hater.

>But why do the people who complain about the story's genre and fundamental aspects feel entitled to have it rewritten from the ground up to suit them?
I don't personally give a shit what genre you want to write in, or rather I am capable of separating my personal genre preferences from the aspects of your work that make it objectively bad regardless of genre. This is what you're not getting.

If you want to take MLP and turn it into fucking Pokemon-tier shonen manga, then go ahead. I would probably roll my eyes at it and think it was a bad idea, but if you wrote it well I would at least acknowledge that it was written well, even if I didn't personally like it. Your problem is that you don't write well; you don't even write passably.

You don't understand basic, fundamental aspects of what makes a story, literally any story in any genre, good. You don't understand how to avoid the things that make a story, literally any story in any genre, bad. You make common, amateur-hour mistakes: crafting a Mary Sue protagonist, improbable world physics, poor narration techniques, continuity errors, poor characterization, poorly-written dialog, poor narrative structure, leaving spelling errors and typos uncorrected, breaking the fourth wall. You do literally all these things and more. In and of itself that's not a cardinal sin, as most beginning writers make the same mistakes; what is more galling than anything else is that you just ABSOLUTELY REFUSE to acknowledge that these things are flaws. You take the old "it's not a bug it's a feature" mantra to such ridiculous heights even Steve Jobs would be astounded by your pigheaded arrogance.

The reason you have been told, repeatedly, by myself and multiple other anons, to rewrite this story from the ground up, is because if you want to salvage this story, YOU NEED TO REWRITE IT FROM THE GROUND UP. At a minimum it needs heavy, heavy revision and a good chunk of its length truncated.

Whether or not a given artistic work is "good" or has artistic value tends to be a subjective discussion that relies a lot on personal tastes and how one chooses to define both "art" and "good". However, an objectively bad artistic work is easy to spot and is pretty much universally identifiable. I will demonstrate.

I've attached three images to this post. Pic 1 is a piece of erotic MLP fan art. Whoever drew this has obvious technical skill; this is not the kind of image an absolute amateur could sit down and reproduce. Whether or not there is any artistic value to it depends on your definition of artistic value. In this case, the artist can be said to objectively have technical skill; the artistic value of the work produced, however, is subjective.

Pic 2 is Convergence by Jackson Pollock. People have been arguing over whether or not there is any artistic value to this for decades. People have also been arguing over whether or not Pollock had any technical skill. I for one would say that whoever painted Derpy's vagina probably had more technical skill than Pollock, but at the same time you probably won't see erotic Derpy paintings hanging in an art museum any time soon (Sad!). In short, both the technical quality and the artistic value of this work are subjective.

Pic 3 is an illustration by Christian Weston Chandler. From both a technical and an artistic perspective, it is objectively bad. There is no irony or parody in this work; this is literally as good as he can draw. There is no room for interpretation here, this artist has no skill whatsoever. The artistic value of the work is also objectively nonexistent. There is no message or meaning to this, it's just a poorly-rendered drawing of some autistic kid's fantasy. You don't even need to put this much thought into it to see that it's bad; most people would just look at this and tell you it's bad. Quality art is subjective to some extent, but bad art is objective and universally recognizable.

Pic 3 is your work, Nigel, whether you want to admit it or not. You will never improve until you can read what you've written and understand why it is objectively bad. It has nothing to do with your choice of genre, or even your overpowered, arrogant ass of an OC. Silver Star could probably be turned into an interesting character in the hands of a competent writer; the problem here is that you are not a competent writer. My advice (even though I know you won't take it) is to rip this thing to shreds, learn to write, and then try it again when you've improved somewhat.
Anonymous
OTSDS
?
No.3898
3899
>>3894
>Time out of his day
Again, I reference the 34ish hours of wrestling videos he recently posted; that's more that just 'time out of his day.
As for that list, those are his 'popular' videos. The overwhelming bulk of his 5000+ vids are a graveyard of "No Views", and what videos do have views are either reposts of existing videos and songs, poorly mashed together songs that have no business being mashed together (his ear is as refined as is his pen), and yes those video game videos.
>manage everyday life
I'm not sure if that comment is directed at me or not, but I'll bite. I'm currently on an extended vacation, preparing to start a personal business. A house tour is out of the question, but I'll be happy to provide how-to videos as my business partner and I build our workshop.
Anonymous
TeAfN
?
No.3899
>>3898

the request for a housetour video was adressed at Jason, my apologies. I should have worded that better. But if you think making how to videos about your new workshop business would be of interest, go ahead.

>>3897

I dont think you can point out to Jason more clearly with obvious means how his writing is perceived without beating him over the head with a stack of papers.
Anonymous
4o7hh
?
No.3900
>>3897
>but at the same time you probably won't see erotic Derpy paintings hanging in an art museum any time soon (Sad!)
I'd settle for a monument being erected (no pun-intended) in Bubble Butt's honor.
Anonymous
SE4nK
?
No.3901
3902 3904 3905 3911 3912
>>3894
I'm curious, what would you prefer that my youtube channel be? Minecraft? Fortnite? Schut Games? Please keep in mind that you're talking to a "Poorfag" here, someone who can't afford the latest shit without a lot of saving and/or commission work.
>>3895
I answered some criticism a lot earlier in the thread. I could scroll up and find it if you want, but this is a big thread so it might take a while to find.
I think the first chapter is a bit dry, but I needed to establish who and what Silver is before he met the ponies. Too many writers forget to make their OC a person outside of the mane six and what they think of him, y'know? Also Silver insults that "The supposedly smart character repeatedly insults someone to show off how smart he supposedly is" trope. How different he acts around each of the three groups once he's separated them with walls is also a character trait I wanted to establish early on.
>>3897
>Your problem is you define "actual critics" as people who tell you things that you're willing to hear
I stopped reading there. I'm sure it'll make you happy to hear that, because it strengthens the "Silver is mean and evil and dumb and that's why he doesn't think my criticism is cool and that's why he's mean and evil" narrative you also tried to push in that fimfic thread I got banned for complaining about. But I've read you saying the same shit multiple times in this thread between posts in which I respond to actual critics quite nicely, so I guess it all balances out.
You're saying I don't listen to any critics unless they're sucking my cock. But have the critics I've talked to and given the time of day in this thread been sucking my cock? My cock doesn't feel very sucked.
You're just mad because I'm not listening to your criticism. As for why...
I'm honestly getting a bit tired of people who think "This story is shit, stop writing it! You're the worst writer ever and you're worse than/just as bad as Chris-Chan! You're gay AIDS and your OC likes penis in his ass! Downvoted lmao!" is the height of literary criticism.
When I showed you a pic on how to get better at criticism, what did y'all respond with? I should have just written /thread there, it would have been funny. And because that's the thread you want to turn this into. You want to throw shit at me until it sticks. You want to call me bad words until people who didn't read the whole thread just assume that where there's smoke (even if it is coming from liberal ears), there must also be fire. You feel entitled to enjoy everything you see and click and consume, even the stuff bored people make for free. And you're trying to make me out to be some kind of horrendous monster because you really, really, really didn't enjoy the pony fanfic I wrote for fun.
I'm just some youtuber. I'm just some writer. I'm just some content-creator, and artist. I'm not any of the things many famous people in this fandom are. I'm honestly kind of boring.
From what you've said to me so far, I don't think my writing would improve if I took your bitching and word salad pseudo-criticism "It fundamentally fails as a suspicious person truncated world physics story! Also you are LITERALLY HITLER AND TRIGGERING ME WITH YOUR AGGRESSIVE AND STANDOFFISH BEHAVIO - wait no I'm on a nazi site - YOU ARE LITERALLY THIS EGOTISTICAL TRANSGENDER NERD NOBODY PRESENT LIKES!" nonsense all that seriously. You want to seem like a critic, but you don't want to be a good or helpful one. You're just in this game because lazy criticism is easy. You're saying bad things about my fic because you didn't personally like it, and that makes you mad, and I make you mad.
I make you very, very mad. I'm not really sure why, since if I'd done anything to seriously offend you on that pony site you got me banned from by sucking admin cock(nice projection btw), you would have posted screenshots of that. You're mad, without a reason to be mad, and you're looking for a reason to be mad at me anywhere you can find it. You and your friends went through my Youtube videos, my DeviantArt pictures... Hell, I'm surprised nobody posted that absurdly-buff Akira pic I once made after losing a bet, leaving the context behind it out while trying to claim I'm some kind of weird fetishist for muscular men.
Your criticism isn't valid.
I don't believe all criticism is invalid, that's just something you've told yourself to soften the blow to your ego. I've listened to you, and that's why I don't think continuing to listen to you would help me improve as a writer.
You're not a good critic. I've seen youtube commenters who are better at criticizing things.
You're mad at me and you want me slandered and torn down like the leftist you are, and all it took to trigger this rage was for me to post a fanfic you personally don't like.
But if you didn't personally like my fanfic, well... So what? I wasn't paid to make a product you'd like. If I was, then sure, you'd have a reason to be this mad over pony fanfic horse words. But you didn't like my fanfic, and that's okay. You aren't really supposed to, because you aren't in its target audience. I'm trying to write MLPFIM as an action cartoon while also trying to preserve its core messages and themes better than nu-fim did when it decided it wanted to exclusively pander to you. It isn't supposed to be one of those excessively-upvoted HiE fics where the human is some bland guy you can project yourself as, or one of those short and shitty non-story scenes that exist to make normies shallowly feel cliche feels. This isn't some Nested Reddit Comment Chain in Fanfic form, like the "Semen Series" or the "Would it matter if I was" series. This isn't some mass-market story, this is the story of Silver and the Mane Six.
Anonymous
TeAfN
?
No.3902
ClipboardImage.png
dolan earth kill.jpg
>>3901

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7n_1zsCVBxw

>I stopped reading there.
>My cock doesn't feel very sucked.
>You're just mad
>You want to seem like a critic, but you don't want to be a good or helpful one.
>You're mad, without a reason to be mad,
>hat pony site you got me banned from by sucking admin cock
>Your criticism isn't valid.
>like the leftist you are,
>you aren't in its target audience.
>this is the story of Silver and the Mane Six.


Anonymous
LNipu
?
No.3903
3906 3909
>>3890
I don't know what you mean; criticism should be:
1. Positive.
2. Specific.
3. Provide a next step.
What's math got to do with this?

Is this more nonsense about you overblowing one fag from a site for fags following you onto a different site, also for fags? Because you seem awfully obsessed with making that sound like it was multiple people following you 'across multiple sites.'

-and how does leddit factor into all of this anyway? People sharing leddit usernames? Where? Provide the proofs.
Anonymous
OTSDS
?
No.3904
0BXvcdE.jpg
>>3901
>inb4 "stopped reading there"

>what should my YouTube be?
Its not a matter of what it should be, its assessing what it is. Being a poorfag doesn't preclude one from making content that people actually want to consume, rather than just recording what one is doing and assuming (hoping) that people want to consume it. The same goes for your Fic. If you make something decent, I'll personally support your work, but I/others don't pay for trash, though we do pay to have it removed.
>criticism
Yeah, I was the guy who gave you ideas about how to give Silver weaknesses that would necessitate the participation of the Mane without making them retarded shadows of their original character. I'm still waiting btw. I did warn you, I am an asshole. ^_~
>Silver is mean and dumb
Not mean, just dumb. Seriously though, its not a narrative, its evident fact.
>You're [all] just dumb
More deflections, par for the course I guess.
>Nice criticism
This is a good point, but not for the reasons you think it is. Have you ever read an article or a post or an editorial by a professional critic? They're not constructive, they're about calling out the failings; what the recipient does with the criticism is their business, not that of the critic. The job of a critic is to thoroughly assess something from a position of expertise, familiarity, and authority, and Glim Glam has done that in spades, yet I doubt you've read more than the first two words. As far as the 'friendliness', did you expect other/special treatment cuz there's the underlying theme of FiM? You obviously missed the underlying /pol/ theme. Also, there are plenty (most, especially of those who are paying attention) who would be happy if you did /thread, but that wouldn't feed into your narcissism, would it?
>I'm just some youtuber/writer/'content'-'creator'/artist
In all legitimacy, you should put a "really bad" in front of all that; such a realization would immediately help to improve your work, but you won't do that cuz reasons.
>Word salad
There's that absent self-awareness you've been repeatedly criticized for.

I'm gonna jump around a bit, please bear with.
>Your criticism isn't valid
sigh
>You're not a good critic
Since you can't differentiate between good writing and bad, it stands to reason that you would likewise be unable to distinguish between good criticism and bad.
>want me slandered
Is it slander to present your failings work and allow people to reach their own conclusions? No one is required to agree with the criticisms levied, and yet everyone seems to. Must be slander, it couldn't possibly be cuz there's merit to the criticisms. Carry on, mightiest of authors.
>better than nu-fim
There it is, your one-armed man. This explains your beef with Glimmer, your self-inserting, and the piss-poor narrative explanations and justifications. You're trying to single-handedly right/write the wrongs of the last few seasons of FiM. The trouble is, you're observably (and painstakingly, as evidenced by Glim Glam) not qualified to do so in a manner that will appeal to anyone.
>I wasn't paid to
I addressed this point. As an amateur, you don't get to demand payment, you have to at least provide a prototype in order to appeal to 'buyers', and your existing work is so lacking that I can't even.
>Not the target audience
While I'm sure you stopped reading long before (or will at least posture as though you had), pray tell: who is your target audience?
>Nested Reddit comment chain
You're right. It isn't FiMfic, nor reddit, nor deviantart, nor some blog that you have any claim over. You're an anon just like everyone else, except you want extrua-spesial treatement cuz you vomit words into a computer or mobile far longer than you should given your competence at writing. You're not entitled, and the more you try to act like you are/should-be, the more you will be shit on. Cuz its shit, and even those - self included - who wade through it are doing so to spare others from the trouble of doing so. How many who have read chapters of yours complain of needing therapy, detox, decompression, or other maladies?
Lastly
>I've done nothing to offend you
Oh, that's where you're most wrong, AND you're first mistake. You're doing it now, and you've been doing it since you first felt entitled to "grace" the site with your filth. You fucked off for a while, and it was nice, but like a bad case of herpes (which I'm not the first to make that comparison) you keep coming back, more virulent than ever. You've inherited the wind so to speak, try not to cry too much about it.

Anonymous
LPrvE
?
No.3905
>>3901
>I'm curious, what would you prefer that my youtube channel be? Minecraft? Fortnite? Schut Games? Please keep in mind that you're talking to a "Poorfag" here, someone who can't afford the latest shit without a lot of saving and/or commission work.
>I'm a poorfag, so of course I have to be a Sonic fan, diamond-miner, Undertale fan, Steven Jewniverse fan, WWE fan, YanSim fan, and follower of the cult of Mr. Enter
Show me the line we're supposed to draw here. You think that being a poorfag necessitates having shit taste in games - some of which are a waste of money might I add?

>someone who can't afford the latest shit without a lot of saving and/or commission work
>people pay you to write and/or draw
I guess if Virus-20 can have paying fans, anything is possible...
Anonymous
LPrvE
?
No.3906
3935
>>3903
>not just giving him his stupid math answer
Now he's going to proclaim that you're a glimmerbot out to exterminate him for the glory of mother Russia. One step forward, two steps back.
Anonymous
qV7RR
?
No.3907
3908
>>3890
>Anyone can become a master at something if they can spend a week pouring over 1000 hours into mastering it, after all.
First of all, you are so fucking stupid you dont know that the rule is 10,000 hours to become proficient, not 1000 so way to go fucking that big detail up. Secondly this is a make believe fantasy for those who dont want to improve and ignore the second half of this. That the 10,000 hours only works when putting yourself to the grindstone, with dedication to that practicing and improving that skill, sacrificing something else. Anything else doesnt hold up to reality. And third it doesnt excuse YOUR BAD WRITING of having your OC a master of every subject you can think of.

It doesnt take very long to learn a new skill starting from scratch, provided you set some time aside for it every day or at least every week, [i]however it can still take 6-10 years to become semi-pro at whatever you seek out to do (sometimes 4 if you are obsessive about practicing and improving that specific skill) for many people depending on the skill it will take their whole life to really become a master and got an early start through childhood upbringings. Because NEWSFLASH there is always ways to improve, learning from different perspectives and teachers and peers. ONLY the ones who will become the new masters will seek out to climb to the top of the mountain with refining their craft to an edge while everyone else settles for something less impressive. Just how old is this irritating shitstain of an OC? You've made him more accomplished than Starswirl, with none of the age that would be required for even one 20th of his abilities, all so he can be a 'stud' for your waifu pillowsack. Just fuck you Nigel.

Do you know how FIM works nigger? You get one thing you excel at and that's defined by the cutiemark. What exactly is Silver's cutiemark talent that he's refining other than the art of rubbing himself out in front of every pony in the room. If you say "Magic" then congratulations, you've given the exact same vague answer as what Starlight's talent is, that lets her do what she does with magic higher than other ponies like the Princesses. And yet she doesnt have complete mastery over every subject, her hobby is pretty mundane, she isnt world famous, and her super-magic (which has a long history of backfiring on her) is still not even half the level of bullshit that Silver can do.

You've created a Starlight that has no flaws in his super magic, with no limitation, for no good reason. Nothing backfires on him and he has no reason to change morally because no one points out he's a an insufferable fuck, ever. You're trying to force the reader to love him because you're obsessed with yourself. If you are going into this fic expecting that you can hand wave everything off about Silver "80th time champion grandmaster in dildo riding" Star and everything else under the sun because muh 1000 hours then you are one of the most retarded people on the planet. This explains why you think you're a professional when you're fucking shit at writing Nigel, and you are self-inserting AGAIN into your OC.

How many hours have you spent dedicated to writing? How many of those years have you done ANYTHING besides increase your vocabulary? Your writing skills are hot garbage. Have you learned or practiced anything anything about pacing, dialog or character development? Do you have no grasp on how to write a good plot? Do you know how to build tension? Can you maintain the suspension of belief? Can you come up with unique and interesting ideas? Do you know how to do good world building, or what that even entails?

The answer to all of the above is NO. This is just long winded wish-fulfillment.
>Atrocious characterization forcing in a literalwho to everyones face, as an insult to the canon characters.
>All characters - background ponies or otherwise are nothing more than blank slate sock puppets with no actual personality or depth.
>An easymode life for the godly unlikable main character, the most boring OC of all time who wins at everything.
>He has a time dilatation spell AND can clone himself, so clearly he can be a master at everything without any sacrifices. FiM machinations be damned.
>No conflict and no inciting incident because everyone is cardboard cutouts to cheer on a self insert.
>Strawman villains that are nothing more than more blogpoint targets.
>The pacing grinds to a halt with another episode of egotistic rambling about whatever your OC is doing or saying.
>What small semblance of a plot is killed off, suffocated for more of your self insert going off on tangents nobody reading gives a fuck about.
>Plagiarized ideas from animu regurgitated onto FiM and even plagiarizing FiM directly, warped and twisted to fellate yourself.
>Skipping over important details leaving gaping plotholes in the work, because it's not about your OC so you cant get a stiffy while typing.
Anonymous
LPrvE
?
No.3908
3913
>>3907
See, Nigel doesn't understand the value of his time and effort. His shadow clones are a perversion of the naive desire to have endless time and energy to do all he wishes and be the master of all trades, because he doesn't understand the true value of a division of labor and specialized talents.

Ironically, MLP itself has an entire magical system that is dedicated to individual talents and specialization, so Nigel's going out of his way to toss that aspect of the show he pretends to understand aside. Kill yourself Nigel, this is your mindset.
Anonymous
SE4nK
?
No.3909
3910 3917
>>3903
Good job conflating the two things that confuse you.
If I really have to say it outright, Glimmer had more stolen Cutie Marks in her town than she had ponies with stolen Cutie Marks. Her Cutie Mark storage wall was also full, so I guess it was a good thing for her that she had jars for the six extra ponies who showed up in her town, and I guess it's a good thing that even though over 100 ponies showed up to her town and either left without their marks or killed themselves after an overdose of Commie shaming tactics at some point during her life, the Mane Six were the first ponies to ever put her Cutie Mark storage wall over capacity.
As for your personalities, you feel entitled to be treated more than two times nicer than you treat me, regardless of how valid your criticism is outside of your own head. I don't take your "It's shitty poopoo and Silver likes cock in his ass" mouth confusion seriously, so you need to go on pretending that I am everything you virtue-signal about hating.
Anonymous
OTSDS
?
No.3910
3913
>>3909
>ponies killing themselves
reach much?
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
wIYAo
?
No.3911
3913
>>3901
>I stopped reading there.
That's about what I've come to expect from you. You sure give a pretty wordy response for someone who didn't read what I wrote.

>I've read you saying the same shit multiple times in this thread between posts in which I respond to actual critics quite nicely, so I guess it all balances out.
Speaking of saying the same shit over and over, this wall of text is really just your usual boilerplate response to any level of serious criticism from anyone: you complain that people are being too mean to you to deserve a response, you dismiss all criticism as ad-hominem attacks without addressing any of the points being made, and you insinuate that all your critics are just trolls who follow you around from site to site. Yawn.

In any event, I make the same points over and over because you never seem to grasp any of them, and all of them are perfectly valid points. I'm not going to bother restating them here; however, I will remind you that I am still going through your entire opus line by line in the other thread and addressing, quite specifically, everything I think is wrong with your writing. You are free to read or respond, or you can ignore me, or you can continue to be a whiny sperg; it's entirely your choice. At this point I'm not doing this for you, I'm doing this for myself and others on the site.

For anyone else reading this who, unlike Nigel, has an actual interest in improving their craft as a writer, I would actually recommend doing what I've been doing. If you read a particular piece and find that you absolutely hate it or absolutely love it, it is quite helpful to give it a thorough analysis, pull it apart and explore exactly what you like or don't like and why you love/hate it. It gives you an insight into your own writing and what sorts of elements you should include or exclude, and in particular what sorts of common mistakes that writers make that you can watch out for.

>I'm honestly getting a bit tired of people who think "This story is shit, stop writing it! You're the worst writer ever and you're worse than/just as bad as Chris-Chan! You're gay AIDS and your OC likes penis in his ass! Downvoted lmao!" is the height of literary criticism.
Your words, not mine. In any case, I've given you ample reasons as to why your story is, quite objectively, shit and why you are, quite objectively, a bad writer. You can either choose to listen and improve, or continue to keep writing the way you do and keep getting shit on by probably anyone you show your work to. I know you think I've got some kind of vendetta against you but I really don't have a dog in this fight one way or the other; I'm doing this partly as an exercise for myself and partly because it's funny. The fact that I've actually given you some pretty good advice on how to improve your craft is just a bonus, although I know you won't see it that way.

As to the CWC comparisons, again these comparisons are made because they are objectively accurate. You behave in the same way that CWC does. Your body of work revolves around similar themes and is of comparable quality. You both rip off Sonic the Hedgehog and Pokemon and pretend it's original work. You both refuse to see flaws in your own work and dismiss anyone who doesn't like it as a troll. You are literally CWC with a British flag.

>When I showed you a pic on how to get better at criticism, what did y'all respond with?
We appropriately made fun of you for it, because the pic just shows how completely dense and incapable of self-reflection you really are. You basically just complain that we're not being nice enough to you. We're not obligated to be nice to you, and we're not obligated to like your work.

You keep using the word "entitlement" in your responses, as if we are the people who are behaving like we're entitled to something. You are the one who actually has this attitude. You are the one who seems to feel that he is entitled to have his story read and enjoyed, and that anyone who doesn't like it can either criticize you on your terms or they can fuck off. This is bullshit. Early on in my objective analysis of your work in the other thread, I wrote a post on "Blaming the Audience" that I really do think you should read.

You are the OP of both threads that you're getting shit on in. We didn't seek out this pile of dreck you wrote, seek you out and start harassing you for it. You posted it here, twice, begging for attention and views. We gave you our opinions, you didn't like what you heard, so you started sperging out and it escalated from there.

>My cock doesn't feel very sucked.
That's probably because it's chaffed raw from you continuously stroking it.

>And you're trying to make me out to be some kind of horrendous monster because you really, really, really didn't enjoy the pony fanfic I wrote for fun.
There's Nigel's famous persecution complex again. I've never called you a horrendous monster, I've called you a bad writer, because you are. I've accused you of writing a bad fanfiction, because you did. I've said your OC is horrid, because he is. I've offered substantial proof of all these points, again if you'd like to try to rebut any of them I'll gladly hear you out.

>I'm just some youtuber. I'm just some writer.
Only one of those statements is accurate.

>You're saying bad things about my fic because you didn't personally like it, and that makes you mad, and I make you mad.
I've gone over this enough times already. You're right that I don't personally like your fic, but that's not the central issue here. The things that are objectively wrong with your fic transcend personal opinion; whatever else it is, it's poorly written. I could probably address the same issues I've already addressed without the sarcasm and gay jokes, but frankly you've given me no reason to do so. You'll get "nice" criticism when you write something that warrants it, and can approach this community with an understanding that we don't have to care.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
wIYAo
?
No.3912
>>3901
A few more points then I'm done. Because I too can churn out thousands of words.

>Your criticism isn't valid.
My criticism is perfectly valid. You just don't like it, because it isn't what you want to hear. Again, if you want to try and actually refute any of my points rather than just fling broad insults and conspiracy theories about "leftists" and people following you around from other sites, I'm all ears.

>I don't believe all criticism is invalid, that's just something you've told yourself to soften the blow to your ego. I've listened to you, and that's why I don't think continuing to listen to you would help me improve as a writer.
As usual, you're projecting. My ego isn't the one getting beat to shit here, Nigel. I really don't care if you want to take my advice or not; you asked, or rather begged, /mlpol/ to read your shitty fanfiction and give you notes on it. We did, and you got pissy because it wasn't what you wanted to hear. Eventually you got so pissy that I decided to take it upon myself to give it a complete roto-rooter rectal examination and lay out exactly what's wrong with it in plain terms, no punches pulled. The project, believe it or not, has actually been fun, and as I've said at this point I really don't care if you're even reading my advice, let alone following it. Whether your writing actually improves is on you; I have no stake, these are just my thoughts.

>I wasn't paid to make a product you'd like.
Of course you weren't. If I'd paid you I'd be demanding my money back; we all would. You're doing this for free, I'm doing this for free. The difference between us is, I'm enjoying myself and arguably producing something of value.

>You're not a good critic. I've seen youtube commenters who are better at criticizing things.
Aw, that just hurts my feelings. *sniff*

>You aren't really supposed to, because you aren't in its target audience.
Blaming the audience again. "You don't get it." "It wasn't written for you." "You clearly don't understand it." I'll say it again, Nigel: you don't pick your audience, your audience picks you. If you submit something you've created to be consumed and evaluated by someone else, that person is your audience. They don't have to like it or tell you they did. If the audience doesn't like your work, it isn't their fault for not understanding it; it's your fault for not communicating what you wanted to communicate. If you're just writing for yourself or your friends, then you don't need an audience at all and criticism doesn't matter. But if that's the case then why show it to total strangers, who have no reason not to take a giant shit on it if it's bad? Why post it here if we weren't in your target audience? You're just talking out of your ass and projecting as usual. If you don't have something worth showing to anyone, keep it to yourself. If you ask for criticism, be prepared to take it.

>I'm trying to write MLPFIM as an action cartoon while also trying to preserve its core messages and themes better than nu-fim did when it decided it wanted to exclusively pander to you.
See, I get that that's what you're trying to do. What I'm trying to explain to you is that you fail to accomplish it. Ironically, as much as you shit on "nu-fim" and it's writers, you actually make a lot of the same mistakes that they do. You inject silly and improbable elements into the world to try and make it more interesting (to you, at least), you attempt to awkwardly wedge a Mary Sue original character into the main cast, you ignore the elements of the show that made it great in the beginning and focus instead on trying to warp it into your own personal Frankenstein creation. You don't write any of the characters well or even convincingly. Where the original series was envisioned to be a show about close friends going on adventures together, you attempt to exaggerate the "adventure" component to the level of epic fantasy while downplaying the "friendship" component until you just have a bunch of cardboard cutout characters who are neither interesting nor believable. Somehow, the OC character, who you put more effort into than any of the others, is the most poorly written, unsympathetic, and unbelievable of them all. In any case, nothing you've constructed resonates emotionally, and most of your "action" and "adventure" themes are too over-the-top and improbable to be taken seriously.

In the words of Lois Griffin: "This isn't art, this isn't even entertainment. This...blows."

>It isn't supposed to be one of those excessively-upvoted HiE fics where the human is some bland guy you can project yourself as, or one of those short and shitty non-story scenes that exist to make normies shallowly feel cliche feels.
Lol now who's bitching about genres they don't like? In any case, what this story isn't supposed to be is beside the point; you completely fail to make it into what you claim that it is. You like action and ebin fight scenes better than feels? Fine, write about what interests you. You'd rather use an obnoxious self-insert OC than a blank-canvas projection-ready empty-template human character? Okay, you're the author; all that is up to you. That doesn't mean you have an excuse to just throw characterization and plot and narrative structure out the window and just write one long, rambling stream of autism about fights and magic.

I mean, come on. Criticism of "shitty, non-story scenes" from the guy who expended 30k+ words on a scene where two characters argue? The guy who padded a scene where his character flies from his office to the building across the street into about two pages worth of play-by-play narration? The guy who randomly dumps walls of text explaining world physics into block quotes and puts it in their characters' mouths?

You get to criticize the style preferences of others when you produce something of value yourself; until then, focus on getting your own house in order.
Anonymous
SE4nK
?
No.3913
3914 3915 3918 3919
>>3910
Well then where did the extra Cutie Marks come from? She's got over a hundred severed heads- I mean severed marks in her creepy room, in her creepy fancy customized and marked cutie mark container literally got so full she had to keep the marks of the mane six in jars...
I know suicide is horrendously dark and it doesn't fit the tone of MLP at all. But neither does a commie shame village. Ponies either ran away from her town without their marks and became hobos, ran away without their marks and got eaten by monsters, died in her town, got killed for uncovering the secret of her town, killed themselves, got turned into appliances and shit, or got so depressed and turned so grey that they turned to dust.
And if that's reaching, what's >>3908 "He forgot a zero so he doesn't get *rolls dice* time and effort and he should die" over here?
Also Silver's Cutie Mark is Connections. There are a lot of connections you can make with the concept of connections and a lot of things you can do with it(Good thing he comes from a world that doesn't know what nukes are), so it's basically the best mark possible outside of anything garish like an infinity symbol or Betterness or "Super Duper Mega Magic".
>>3911
I don't see all criticism against my story as pointless. I see criticism of me as a bit pointless, since most of this site's users have just met "me" and there are people in this thread trying to misrepresent me. Nobody here knows about the regular trips I make to the local-ish charity store, or the charity shit I did in my youth, or those two guys whose lives I saved when I was younger, or that one suicidal guy I talked out of suicide(He's better now), or any of the other good stuff I've done. And I don't really like talking about myself, or defending myself from personal attacks on this level. I'd rather advertise my work instead. Besides, there's a good chance I'm actually two or three people working in tandem and everything everyone has said about me is bullshit.
Anyway, I read the critique of my work and the proper criticism is valid. If I'll improve as a writer by reading it, it's valid. I'm actually considering going back and doing that "Make Pinkie and Dash approach Silver before the party" bit someone talked about. Even though it'll make the "Silver gasps and loves the cute Pinkie, weirding everypony else out" scene less surprising. I'm also thinking of toning down Silver's abilities, he was supposed to be the "I have a lot of weakish moves and I know how to use them creatively, I'll turn around the ground under your hooves and that lamppost is now my trebuchet, I love going in with a plan and thinking on the fly when it doesn't work" to Twilight's "I have a lot of power and formal education, I love planning".
Also, "Your audience choses you"? Lolwut? Have you "chosen" me? Is that why you wish I was what you wish you chose instead of what I am? I get that you're trying to ironically quote a reversed bit from my story when Silver talked about selling shit, but dude, no. I choose my target audience when I make the fic, it's people who want to see Twilight and friends kick some ass. Individual people can choose whether they click my fic or not, sure, and they can decide for themselves if they like it or not, but individual people can't decide what my fic should be. Though they're welcome to offer advice on how it can be made better at what it's trying to be.
I get that you don't like it when writers "Clap back" to some of their critics, but... well, if you want to talk about something so shit even its creators won't argue with anything bad you say about it, shit on Fallout 3.
Seriously, that game's so bad, Bugthesderp shat on some of the dumbest parts of it just to try and please FNV fans in Fallout 4, even though that isn't how that works at all.
Anonymous
OTSDS
?
No.3914
3920
>>3913
>extra cutie marks
It couldn't possibly be cuz they were busy doing other things, or a variety of other mundane explanations, no certainly not, it must be murder most foul right?
>so it's basically the best mark possible outside anything garish
For one, there you go again trying to make Semen Star the 'best evar'. For two, you wouldn't know garish if you wrote it out in over 100k words, cuz you have and you haven't.
>charity shit I did in my mouth
Sorry, that's just how I read it at first. I'm sure you'll think that's freudian or something, but I had to retrieve my sides so I'm chalking it as a win.
>I helpeded people! I are gud!
We should compare notes sometime. Spoiler alert, you're outclassed.
>I don't like talking about myself
Clearly
>I'd rather advertize my work
Clearly
>I'll tone down Semen Star
I hope so, I truly hope so
>"Your audience choses you"? Lolwut? Have you "chosen" me? Is that why you wish I was what you wish you chose instead of what I am?
That's precisely it. You won't go away, you won't stop, so the only recourse is to try and get you to stop being such a faggot (read: learn to write compellingly so that our forced suffering isn't so insufferable). We're not here to talk about Fallout 3, and while you may intend your audience to be "a particular group", for one I'd love to see the Mane kick (Silver's) ass and for two you're here bothering us. Whatever you intended, you're shilling this shit to us; naturally you're going to get our opinions. Don't like it? And the hoers you rode in on.
Anonymous
RdOP0
?
No.3915
3916 3920
>>3913
>cutie mark container literally got so full she had to keep the marks of the mane six in jars…
Evidently you never actually watched the episode, they were placed in the giant iphone at first, she only had them removed and put in jars later.
Anonymous
RdOP0
?
No.3916
3920
Behold, the latest iPhone, I don't even fucking know what number designation it has.png
>>3915
Just gonna add on to this, Nigel is only correct in that there are more cutie marks stored than ponies we see in the town, at least from a cursory glance at the episodes, that's if we assume the entire town takes part in the musical number. Pictured here is the cutie vault with 8 columns and 14 rows giving us a total of 112 slots for cutie marks, there are 13 unused slots, giving us 99 cutie marks before Twiggles and friends get themselves Spear of Longinus'd. Unfortunately, I'm nowhere near autistic enough to go through both episodes to figure out exactly how many ponies we see in the town.
Anonymous
LNipu
?
No.3917
3920
muh chaldren.JPG
>>3909
Haha! That was only one leaf-anon commenting on your impoliteness and wanting to have a civil and polite discussion with you about your work in return for how he was treating you.
Wanting others to treat you how you're treating them doesn't sound as asinine as you somehow manage to make it sound.

The only one spewing retarded mouth confusion here is (you).

I myself don't give a fuck how you treat me, I don't care either way because it changes nothing, and next time, consider taking your criticism to the right person.
Do you actually have children? Because I don't think you even have a wife.
Cunt.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
aWiW3
?
No.3918
3919 3921
>>3913
>I'm actually considering going back and doing that "Make Pinkie and Dash approach Silver before the party" bit someone talked about. Even though it'll make the "Silver gasps and loves the cute Pinkie, weirding everypony else out" scene less surprising.
Definitely a good idea. Part of the reason it helps to have other people read your work is because they can provide insight that wouldn't occur to you. When you are the author of something, the story is already in your head and when you go back and read it, you automatically envision it the way you want to see it. Your mind fills in a lot of the blanks, and things that come across as weird or awkward to a reader don't always register in your mind as such. Remember, writing is the process of taking what's in your head and laying it out so that others can see it the way you do. If other people are consistently giving you impressions of something you wrote that are way off base from what you intended, it's a good indicator that it can use a rewrite, or at least some tweaking.

>I'm also thinking of toning down Silver's abilities
Also a good idea. As I read further into this I'm beginning to get an idea of what you're trying to do with Silver, but what I'm trying to explain is that it's just not working out quite the way you'd like it to. There are steps you can take to fix this.

One thing that it might behoove you to remember is that most action protagonists of the sort you're trying to write here don't start out with all their powers. I remember years ago I was watching Inuyasha at one of the later points in the series, where he had a bunch of crazy powers attached to his sword, and my stepbrother who had never seen the show was watching with me, and commenting on how stupid it was that he was so powerful. I had to explain that this was about a hundred episodes or so in and he had spent most of the series going through trials to acquire these powers.

His reaction is similar to the way I and most others on this site are reacting to Silver, because a character who starts off with a huge number of powers and can easily defeat most foes isn't interesting to read about, and can come across as obnoxious, especially when you also write him as being excessively arrogant. In the case of Inuyasha (I don't know if you've ever seen it but I don't watch a lot of the type of anime you usually reference; I'm afraid IY is the closest thing I've watched extensively) he starts out as a character with above-average strength and fighting ability, but still relatively weak compared to where he ends up later on. He gains most of his abilities over the course of the series. This is generally the preferred way to do these things.

My personal recommendation for Silver would be to reduce his powers down to a reasonable, mortal level. It's okay to have him be above average, even extremely talented, in maybe one or two areas. But you have to leave him room to grow and improve himself; otherwise what's the point of the story? If I were writing it I would give him a sense of strong business acumen, but make him less excessively rich. Make him an up and comer in the business world who hasn't quite made it yet. I'd make him maybe a magic prodigy in the same way that Twilight was at the beginning of the series, but not a hugely accomplished magician. Maybe give him one or two tricks that he's really good at and uses often to show off (the portal trick could actually be kind of a fun one), but dial it back to where he's got a lot to learn yet. I'd still recommend eighty-sixing the clone ability, but if you want to keep it at least don't have him start off with it, make him earn it.

His being the author of 200+ books is beyond excessive, maybe make him a prodigy with an interesting backstory who wrote maybe one somewhat successful book. He took the profits from the book and invested them into opening a magic shop or something. The magic shop was successful so he turned that into a chain. He's successful while still being believable, which humanizes (poninizes?) him and makes him more accessible to the reader. This buys you credits you can use to make him more of a dick in other ways if that's what you want. Maybe his poor upbringing made him ambitious to the point where he's not above grifting and stealing to get what he wants, so he's basically a legit businesspony who moonlights as a small-time hustler, and has an interest in magic and culture as well; sort of an anti-hero version of a renaissance pony.

See what I did? I really didn't change his character all that much from the way you made him, I just dialed him back to a level where he becomes believable and sympathetic. Usually the best protagonist for this type of action story is an individual who is flawed but not irredeemable, and stronger than the average resident of the world but still at a training stage that gives him room to improve.

This could actually help make his relationship with Twilight easier to develop as well. Imagine this scenario: Silver is not really famous, but autistic book horse knows his (ideally good but somewhat obscure) book, so she recognizes his name when he comes to Ponyville and tries to strike up a friendship. As she gets to know him, his arrogance and obnoxiousness turns her off, but he occasionally shows her a more human (pony) side that makes her want to keep getting to know him. He tries hard, usually too hard, and shoots himself in the foot a lot. She eventually finds out about his criminal side, which creates a moral crisis for her and forces him to examine himself, and ultimately make a choice between either friendship and redemption, or pursuing a lonely but probably lucrative path through life.

See how you set stuff like this up? I really didn't need to change that much of Silver's character to make this work, I just fleshed him out a little, toned down his powers and made him more human (ponyish). Now you try it.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
aWiW3
?
No.3919
3921
ponk balloon.png
>>3913
>>3918
>I choose my target audience when I make the fic, it's people who want to see Twilight and friends kick some ass.
Another something for you to consider: this may be who you intended to write for, but did you actually write something that such people would want to read? Give that question some serious thought; I'm not trying to insult you or ridicule you right now. Is "Twilight and friends kicking some ass" really what happens in your text so far?

Unless I'm way off base, what you're basically trying to write here is an action story. The format you're writing it in is also closer to a serialized format like a manga, rather than a more contained format like a novel. In some ways this gives you more freedom. You can basically keep writing for as long as you want to, chronicling the adventures of your character in bite-sized chunks without being constrained to the length of a single self-contained volume. However, I would still invite you to take a closer look at some of the long-running action manga series of the sort you seem to want to emulate. They usually move in arcs, which function like small, separate stories that play themselves out over the course of multiple chapters/volumes. The serialized format doesn't alter story structure; there's still a beginning to the arc, rising action, a climax of some sort, falling action, and a resolution that returns things to a starting point, but usually with the characters having grown or learned something. Then there's usually a couple of one shot humorous stories that last for a single (episode, chapter, what have you) before another arc begins, and the characters have another opportunity to grow and/or gain something (power, knowledge, whatever). This is the formula you should aim to follow.

Imagine that Pinkie Pie is blowing up a balloon. She's going to blow it up until it pops. You sit there, watching as she steadily blows air into the balloon. It keeps getting bigger and bigger. You know it's going to pop, but you don't know when. Every time you think the balloon is full to bursting, she manages to put a little more air in it. You can't fucking take it anymore. Finally, just when the anticipation has reached the point where you think you might actually die, there is a loud "pop", and the balloon explodes all over the place. Maybe it was full of confetti and confetti is everywhere now, because that sounds like something she would do. In any event, now that it's popped, you can relax for a few minutes. But then, she gets out another balloon, and the whole vicious cycle begins anew. That's how a story like this is supposed to work.

Now imagine another the same scene, but instead of blowing steadily until it breaks, Pinkie blows a little air into the balloon, and then lets most or all of it out. She blows into it again, then deflates it. Over and over. Sometimes there's more air, sometimes there's less, but the balloon never even comes close to a stage where you'd imagine it would pop. It will probably never pop, she just keeps blowing it up and letting the air out. It's not exciting to watch, it's just tedious. This is how your story currently works.

Every time some interesting shit happens in your story, you're putting air into the balloon. Every time you go off on a tangent about some random subject or start dumping unsolicited world info or backstory on Silver into quotes, you're letting it out. Not only does the balloon never pop, there's no indication that it ever will. Even if you manage to pop the balloon eventually, by the time that happens the audience will have lost interest, if they're even still around. I mean, you're how many thousands of words into it at this point, and what has actually happened so far? Seriously, take a moment and catalog all the events that actually occur and see how sparse it looks on a timeline.

Another thing to note about long-running serials is that there is usually a central plot arc, that runs like a single thread connecting all the smaller arcs together. It usually is anchored in some kind of quest or objective that the protagonist sets out to achieve. The smaller arcs are self-contained episodes that happen along the way. For instance, with Dragonball Z, the story is mostly a bunch of self-contained sagas that pertain to certain fights or certain characters. The overall arc is that Goku or whoever is trying to find the fucking dragonballs or whatever. Inuyasha's central arc is that he's trying to defeat Naraku; along the way he fights battles against demons and beefs up his sword powers. Naruto's central arc is...slathering potato salad on his dick and having his dog lick it off I guess; I've only ever seen one episode of that show and that was plenty. I honestly have no idea what it's about. But you get the point.

The main arc is the glue that holds everything together and gives the MC his purpose. The smaller arcs are where most of the entertainment value lies and where most character development occurs. The serial format give you a little more freedom to explore different ideas and pursue one-shot stories and side quests, but you need to at least follow the formula somewhat, you can't just ramble autistically about whatever whenever. Above all, action stories revolve around action; shit needs to be continuously happening in order to keep people engaged.

In the case of your story, the central arc is probably Silver's quest for personal redemption and fulfillment, which will probably culminate eventually with him forming genuine friendships with the M6, possibly boning Twilight, and maybe realizing that crime doesn't pay. Along the way, you can send him on all sorts of zany adventures that can be whatever you want. But you need to stay on topic, keep the action flowing, chop out needlessly verbose dialog (hint hint 30k word long argument scene), and make sure you know when and how you are going to make the balloon pop, and how to build up the appropriate tension.
Anonymous
YMAVs
?
No.3920
3922 3930 3934 3947
>>3914
Anyone else find it funny how when I critiqued a certain someone's ability to critique, that someone immediately threw out ALL of the stereotypical "Writer who cannot take criticism" damage control soundbytes, including stuff he hadn't even gotten around to accusing me of saying?
Also I already said let's not get into a "I'm a better person than you!" contest. This is the internet, we could both be bullshitting each other.
>>3915
In the version of the episode I saw, the big cupboard thing was full. Glimmer stored the Mane Six's marks in jars specifically for... I forget why.
>>3916
>that guy I hate is only correct in the sense that he's correct.
I kind of just guessed around thirtyish ponies were in that town. It's possible that she had some kind of underground gulag for the "worst" thoughtcriminals and everypony in her town had just forgotten to say "Btw twilight plz help me break these trapped pones out", and that's where hopefully all of the mystery 70-80ish ponies went.
>>3917
I diagnose you with gay, you whiny pseudointellectual redditor. Fuck off over to some adult political discussion so you can try and impress the adults present with your ability to (mis)use big boy words and terms while talking about "Muh cycles" and how "we have to prepare for the badness cycle guys! I'm smart for saying that! plz gib upvoats". Or fuck off back to the reddit/discord circlejerk that gave you this titanic ego. Either one works, but you honestly don't belong here.
You aren't intelligent. You aren't redpilled. You don't engage people in intellectual discussions. You don't care about western civilization or its future. You're just here to try and gain "Notoriety" so you can pretend your tiny scrap of internet fame means something. You're here because it's where the people went when they left you and the communities you and your friends ruined to seek greener and less circlejerky pastures.
You aren't here to have a good time. You're here to stop others from having a good time without you because you're secretly bitter about how lonely and irrelevant your "Ebin internet troll" lifestyle has left you.
You cry a lot when people don't treat you how you feel entitled to be treated, but you are a cuck.
And a fraud.
You are a cuck, and we have nothing to offer each other but scorn because I can't cure you of what you've got. I'm sorry for whatever parental neglect/abuse in your past caused you to act out in this way for attention, you didn't deserve to be raised like that but if you turned out like this, they deserved you. I'm sorry that you're addicted to the feeling of thinking you're being persecuted for loving glimmyglam, and your own sad idea of fun, but if I can't cure you, that means you will gain nothing from continuing to talk to me. So please, stop embarassing yourself, and stop trying to force your own views on what I "Must be" onto others. Don't make me tell the people here about that time you exposed yourself on a subreddit for old people while trying to convince the people there I'm what you think I am.

(user feels in charge)
Anonymous
YMAVs
?
No.3921
3929 3931
>>3918
>>3919
I like this, and I like you.
Naruto's arc was "Become awesome and prove I'm awesome to everyone who doubts, resents, and/or despises me" when the series was good, but it got swallowed up by the Uchiha like everything else in that category-gayht storm the story became. People talk about the last arc having too much DBZ bullshit but it all started when Itachi showed up and had "I can look at you and kill u instantly with mega black fire!" ability and a "I can point at you and make eye contact using my finger!" ability. Also the susanoo gundams were stupid, they should have been people-sized armour suits at best.
My autistic tendencies compel me to say the proper way to ponify "humanizes" would probably be "equinizes", but we'd need to check with an expert to be sure.
And you're right about Silver. I'll go back, edit some chapters, and nerf some stuff. And I'll remove some upcoming stuff, too.
I'm going to trim the fat from his backstory and keep the essential parts here, tell me what you think.
His backstory so far is: He was a smart, tough, lonely farm boy named Star Apple, and the only Unicorn for miles around. He lived on a western movie-themed Frontier Town named Manetanner if I don't think of anything better by the time that comes up in-story, and he was a fat kid who studied hard instead of making friends. His mom was a florist who married into the Apple Family after she met his dad at a gardening convention, and they moved to the frontier because they were bored in Manehattan and adventure sounded fun. He grew up on the farm and using magic to alter the fruits was banned, and so was using tech to make fruit-picking more efficient. They were old-fashioned ponies and he resented them for being that in the usual dumb kid way. Also, he taught himself magic from books he picked up in other towns while experimenting a lot, making random inventor crap, learning whatever he can, often by doing magic stuff wrong and learning why it went wrong, and so on. Then cattle rustlers went for his farm, so he picked them off one by one during a cattle theft using the crappy spells he knew and the inventor devices he made, and he became the town's deputy.
He got older and became a preteen, and decided to travel Equestria as Silver Blaze, young and magic bounty hunter, using his handful of magic spells and gizmos in creative ways to get around Stand-esque gimmicks used by many great outlaws he took down.
There was originally also going to be a bit here where he sent out a bunch of Silver Spares and many of them formed their own lives, the best ones going on to join his Leverage-esque crew on secret heists in his later years. One of those spares would go to Pony Asia and learn kung fu+The Spin from Jojo's while also "Fixing" the anger issues he used to have. And he still has them, they're just not as bad as they used to be. But I'm not sure about that now. On one hand, if he has a Leverage team, it means he has friends, so befriending the mane six is less special for him. So if they're all copies of himself, it still works.
Anyway, years later, he got old enough to go to college, and he reinvented himself as Silver Star, a suit-wearing british-voiced mysterious pony so he wouldn't have to deal with the "I can't allow some commoner to be my friend!" garbage he expected to encounter. He encountered less of that than he expected(possibly? unsure). Picking an obviously western-themed name was a small act of rebellion against the obnoxiously fake pseudointellectual rich-idiot ponies in the town, but he made friends at the school he went to. Though they ended up hating him after he fucked up in a big way and (spoiler) but he's still pouring money into finding a way to fix that.
He wasn't magically powerful enough to enter Celestia's School, but he was smart enough to get into the next best thing, Duel Academy. There, he learned combat magic, strategy, magical duelling, and he gained a formal education in the higher-level magic stuff while also taking secret remedial courses for the lower-level stuff he skipped or learned wrong. For example, he thought unicorns HAD to DBZ yell his whole life when casting hard spells.
The secret test to get in… It's the Kobayashi Maru. Silver got through it by being smart enough to spot a big hole in it I saw when I saw the Star Trek movie years ago. (I watched the actual Star Trek shows later and liked the original more)
He was sworn to secrecy about how he got in, so to maintain that secrecy he hypes the secret up like it was some kind of "Ultimate chosen one, equal of sage, great heaven" deal, implying that's what it was, when it was really just something anyone could figure out.
When he graduated, he did business shit, and that's where I began the story because I was originally planning on doing a "Every chapter starts and ends with a flashback scene to the guy's childhood, like how Oliver Queen from Arrow had flashbacks to his time on the island" thing I ended up dropping.

So, what do you think so far?
Anonymous
RdOP0
?
No.3922
3924
>>3920
There are no other versions of the episode, Dear Leader Glimmer specifically orders Double Diamond to get their marks from the vault in part 2, in part 1 in makes a great big show of the marks going into the vault complete with loud sound effects as they're sealed behind the glass. You are correct in one aspect, you are wrong in another. That's if we ignore for a moment that some of the cutie marks present in the vault have duplicates and others even belong to ponies who at the time of the episode are living in Ponyville.
Anonymous
2PwWY
?
No.3923
3924
It finally clicked in my head. I didn't get this in the begining of these threads. I was wondering why Nigel believe us to be Glimmerlovers and communists and I finally saw it from his perspective.
He posted this fic here since he knew with this specific chapter since he thought he had made something we would appricate. A story in which communist were beaten in debate. But since he didn't get a good reception he wondered why that was. I think he had seen Glimmerposting earlier on this site so he came to the conclusion that some communist, which favorite horse is Glimmer, saw his post here. And since this person is a communist, he decided to call up some friends to shill and raid his post.
That is why he has been, I don't know if he still is, convinced that you all are Glimmerniggers.
>I like this, and I like you.
Cute.
i know it wasn't directed towards me. You're tearing me apart Nigel. But I have said it before, I like a lot of your points on fim then I don't know you personally so I might not like you per se. I watch this thread and have my opions of what people write to eachother but this is the internet and I am not someone's mom so I am not going to lecture people on what they should and should not do.
A I right about it being you behind the posts about how Fluttershy became a manipulative bitch who made Discord emotionally dependent on her, Applejack became a stupid hick who gets angery at any other fruit than apples and that Twilight was turned into a ruby rose character? I have no idea of who ruby rose I btw But I do agree with those first points and with a lot of your other points.
However, I garantee that none of us are communists and I don't like your story.
I haven't read it because I usually just scan through a fanfic before I give it a shot. I was meet with a wall of text and I just felt so unmotivated to continue so I read what Glimglam posted about it instead. I figured that since you didn't point out in flaws in his description of your story, he wasn't misrepresenting you.
Anonymous
YMAVs
?
No.3924
3925 3926 3927
>>3922
I know there was no other version, I was making a joke but I forgot what it was.
I hope the whole "Glimmer killed ponies" thing isn't what canonically happened to make Glimmer's bullshit power level happen.
But if she didn't kill anypony there, she definitely killed ponies in the alternate timelines she created by going back in time to ruin Twilight's life.
>>3923
I don't think you're ALL them, just the ones that are them. Just that handful of dumb guys that are trying to insist I'm a bad guy, because they want to dupe people into thinking I'm a bad guy. It usually works for them on other, less smart sites, where "Muh group consensus" is god.
Also yeah, there are many ways to write a redemption story but "The supposed-to-be-nice hero uses friendship to make the bad guy emotionally dependent on her approval, keeping his balls in her purse instead of doing any heartwarming shit or whatever" really just doesn't sit right in a setting like FIM. The ponies are supposed to be cute, innocent, optimistic things in a dangerous world they tamed so hard they literally control the skies. Snooty places like Canterlot and Modernish places like Pony New York are supposed to be exceptions to the rule, not Ponyville.
Applejack... She was a really nice pony. She might not have topped any "Most popular" polls, but she was a good and respectable pony, and she deserved better than what the nu-writers did to her, turning her into the memey hick they see all southerners as.
As for Twilight=Ruby, I don't remember saying that but that's a good way to put it. After they "Fixed" Twilight's "Biggest" character flaw, she felt like a generic "Vanilla Protagonist" too often. Instead of seeing Twilight trying to make it as a princess and prove to Celestia that she can do this, we see a generic princess protagonist read lines on the script given to her by writers who'd never met her.
I think it's because they focused so much on the "Her being an Alicorn totally wasn't a dumb thing! Look, she's older now, so it fits!" stuff.
Ruby Rose worked when she was a socially-awkward weapon-loving dork two years younger than everyone else. When she got older and just became a generic "We can do it! Yay hope! I keep smiling because light!" protagonist it felt shallow. It felt like a downgrade. The writers didn't earn those "Smiling despite what she went through" points. The writers didn't earn anything. They just tease stuff for a while and then show it. It's like Steven Universe only not as bad.
Anonymous
RdOP0
?
No.3925
>>3924
>But if she didn't kill anypony there, she definitely killed ponies in the alternate timelines she created by going back in time to ruin Twilight's life.
That's debatable, even in the crystal war timeline the fighting amounts to slap fights and ponies have cartoon level resilience, so dropping boulders on Rainbow wouldn't have been lethal considering she's crashed at high speeds and walked it off prior. FiM isn't made for adults, there isn't anything in its universe or mandate that's lethal since producers in the modern day don't think kids can handle anything too dark, even the villains are exempt from outright death. Sombra exploded, sure, but he was shown to be able to regenerate his form from a single part, even the Storm King wasn't really dead thanks to the post credits scenes.

What I'm trying to say is, you've based a large portion of your judgement of Glimmer on headcanon derived from the staff's lack of maintaining consistency episode to episode (and occasionally even scene to scene if you pay attention to the wildly changing geography) and misremembered details in episodes. Since you've stated that your aim is to fix what the staff borked, one would think you'd pay a greater amount of attention to the details of what you're attempting to fix.

As an aside, fixing Glimmer isn't about her suffering retribution for what she's done, she's already been pardoned by Twaggle Sprinkles, so the better method would have been to send her back to Our Town to make amends and to remain there until she's learned and truly understood why what she did was wrong. A good scenario would be to have a Nishruu attack the town because of GlimGlam's excessive ShimSham, nullifying her ability to just magic the problem away and forcing her to utilise her leadership skills to make use of the talents and unique abilities of the town's residents to drive it off, realising in the process that utterly leveling the playing field like a dirty commie doesn't solve problems. And yes, a Nishruu would absolutely work, Hasbro owns Dungeons and Dragons so there's nothing stopping anyone from just ripping shit out of the monster manuals.
Anonymous
XwnAb
?
No.3926
1492975826045.jpg
>>3924
I'm not sure anyone ever has called you a bad guy, just a bad writer with a bad OC.
Anonymous
LxnIu
?
No.3927
>>3924
>I don't think you're them, I just think that everyone I say is them
Am I the only person who sees the numerous fallacies in this position?
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
aWiW3
?
No.3928
3929
>>171069
I think this is a measurable improvement. The backstory here is much better and comes across as less silly. I would definitely keep his magic abilities limited, especially early on. The more you can have him rely on ingenuity and creativity and less on high-level kamehameha type stuff the better off you'll be at establishing a good foundation on which the audience can build their opinions of him. At least in the beginning, like I said if you want to have him learn more high-powered spells and techniques later in the story that's up to you, but definitely in the beginning he should be physically and magically weak but intelligent and resourceful to make up for it. The progression through adolescence where he tries to make a living as a bounty hunter also has some potential, again just try to resist the urge to make him too amazing at it. The idea with fleshing out his backstory is not so much to provide a chronicle of neat stuff he's done, as much as to lay out the events that shaped his character, both the positive and negative aspects.

His childhood on a farm, for instance, would teach him the value of hard work and the value of money, but would also likely be the origin point of his greed and obsession with elevating his social status. His parents stifling his creativity would give him a chip on his shoulder which could make him moody and angsty, but also increase his hunger to escape mediocrity and pursue greatness. Having his family farm pillaged by cattle rustlers would teach him about loss (inb4 loss.png) and how anyone's achievements can be torn down in an instant. Personally, I would nix the bit about him going after the cattle rustlers and becoming the town Deputy; rather, I would have him go after the rustlers but fail miserably. He uses everything in his arsenal but it's not enough, either they get away and he's left hungry or they beat him to a pulp. Either way he survives and learns a lesson: that life is cruel, and he needs to become stronger. Think Batman Begins: when Bruce Wayne first tried to pick a fight with criminals, did he win? No, he got his ass kicked, but getting his ass kicked was an important development point for who he later became. He realized that grit and determination and righteousness isn't enough, you need an edge; you need strength, and you need to be ruthless to some extent. A fight isn't about who is morally right, a fight is about who can win. All of his experiences teach him good things and bad things, and both shape his character.

Going off to college, affecting a fake accent and trying to pass himself off as a blueblood while rigorously studying is exactly the sort of thing a character with this kind of backstory would do, so good job there. You're definitely on the right track, again just try not to have him gain quite so much power. You want him to emerge from dueling school as capable, probably on-par or superior to most of the top students, but not so overpowered it's implausible. You may want to consider giving him a rival here, possibly someone who actually is the type of blueblood Silver tries to pass himself off as. I'd make the rival as powerful or more powerful than him, whether or not Silver eventually defeats him or the conflict is left unresolved for possible future reuse is up to you; it's a stylistic choice and either could work.

I'd like to try to steer you away from the Kobayashi Maru business if I could, just because it's instantly recognizable as being from Star Trek and it's really not necessary to Silver's development. When I first came across it in your text my eyes pretty much rolled themselves. If you insist on keeping it in, since it's such a recognizable reference you want to make sure you write it in a way that makes it clear you are referencing Star Trek rather than trying to rip it off, which is a somewhat hard thing to do. I can generally do it but I don't know how to explain how to do it. In general I'd recommend you avoid referencing things outside the universe you're working in.

Having him working in business after college is a fine place to start, again just try to make his level of success plausible for the point he's at. There are a lot of practical considerations to business that have nothing to do with grit or moxy or the character's will. You need startup capital, a product, a way to manufacture and market your product, etc etc, and time for the business to take root and grow. It's unlikely a recent college grad from a humble background would own his own skyscraper, for instance, no matter how smart and talented he is. Maybe make him a small-time entrepreneur, or even an employee of someone initially. Maybe even have his initial adversary be his boss; he works for a shady company run by a shady pony, and he figures out some clever way to force him out and take over his company. There's a good first arc right there.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
aWiW3
?
No.3929
3931 3941
>>3928
>>3921
A couple more things.

I'd like to stress that how you go about revealing the character's backstory is as important, maybe even more important, than the content of the backstory itself. Probably the worst thing you can possibly do is have the character explain his entire backstory as dialog, and especially not at the very beginning of the story. If you give the whole thing away at once, then the reader knows everything about this character and there's no more mystery to him. Although in some stories the character's backstory is given away all at once, it's usually done quite a ways in, after a great deal of mystery has been built up around the character. In the case of Silver "sorry but I can't resist doing this joke one more time, butt sex lmao" Star, you're going to want to give it away in small pieces, and only in places where it's appropriate. When possible, try not to have Silver himself explain who he is, try to show who Silver is and where he came from. You can do this through flashbacks, memories, inner monologues, whatever; just for the love of God please don't have Silver just start lecturing ponies about work ethics and bragging about how he used to beat up cattle rustlers while he's in the middle of a fight scene. Or a date.

I've actually got a YT video you may find helpful. It's a recording of a lecture on how to read and interpret fiction from the perspective of a writer rather than just consuming it as entertainment. The lecturer is William S. Burroughs, who I'll warn you was a beat writer and fairly degenerate in many ways (he was a literal fag and a drug addict, among other things). His actual writing I can generally take or leave. However, his analyses of literature are very interesting to listen to and I personally have picked up a lot of interesting ways of thinking from him. In particular, pay attention to the part where he's talking about the character of Jay Gatsby in The Great Gatsby, and how he is fleshed out. It basically goes over ways of thinking about a character as a whole person (pony), but only writing the parts you need the reader to see. If you do it right, the reader will get the sense of the whole character just from the breadcrumbs you give him, and be more satisfied for having pieced it together himself. You definitely don't want to just dump all the information in his lap at once.

Anyway, here is the video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3dymsKE_N3A

Another thing I've mentioned before that I'd like to stress again is your characterization needs work. This is just the art of understanding who your characters are and determining how they will think, speak and behave in a given situation. It's hard to learn initially, but once you do learn it comes very easily and you can do it without thinking. For an OC like Silver, what you're doing currently is a good start. You want to get everything you can about him fleshed out: who he is, where he's from, where's going. What are his abilities and shortcomings, what is his personality like, what does he like to eat, is he a top or a bottom (sorry that's the last gay joke I'll make about him I swear), etc etc. Write it all down, but don't put it all in the story, just use it as reference. When you're writing, try to imagine yourself as the character. You need to write his dialog in his voice, not yours, that is crucial to making your character believable. You need to think about his actions and how he reacts to situations from his perspective, not from the omniscient perspective of the author. For instance, your scene where Silver starts petting Pinkie Pie. Is that something Silver would do, or is that something that you, the author, would like to see Silver do? There's a difference between these two modes of thought, and you have to learn how to split them apart, even if the end result is the same.

For the other characters, the preexisting pony characters, their personalities and backstories are already established, so it's a matter of just doing the same thing as with your own characters: learn to think like them. I've suggested before, and would still suggest, writing some short exercise type stories about small interactions between different characters in the MLP universe. These are not necessarily to be published, just to experiment with the characters and see how they act. Writing greentext from a prompt is also a good way to learn this. Focusing on simple scenarios where there is minimal action going on forces you to focus on the characters and how they think, speak and behave. Once you've got that figured out, you'll find your characters behave much more naturally when you put them in your actual world and have them react to your action sequences. You'll be able to integrate your OCs into the canon universe much less awkwardly as well.
Anonymous
LNipu
?
No.3930
3932
STEAM-I(((OWN)))THESE-OYVEY THEY'RE IN (((MY))) ACCOUNT.JPG
>>3920
Oh my-oh my, what do we have here?
It's hilarious because on one hand you're pointing out my 'notoriety,' as if it's a flaw, (it is), but you seem intent on giving me the notoriety you criticize.
>Don't make me tell the people here about that time you exposed yourself on a subreddit for old people while trying to convince the people there I'm what you think I am.
THIS, is what I'm referencing by the way, because you seem intent on 'threatening' me with something; when I quite blatantly told you to 'do it faggot,' even though I'm not the person you're threatening and you're just giving said retard 'notoriety'

...
when you think said person is me
...
but you criticize my notoriety
...
mhmm

Big thinks.

I'll ask again, do you have a wife?
Cunt.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
aWiW3
?
No.3931
3932
>>3929
>>3921
Oh yes, I knew there was something else I forgot to mention. The clones.

Again, I would personally like to try and steer you away from them as I think they make your story overly complicated without really adding much. Every time there's an extra Silver, the reader has one more iteration of the same character to keep track of and it gets difficult to keep track of where the real Silver is. They also seem to be a bit of a crutch you rely on to give Silver unearned powers or to explain away improbable events, and in any event I have to insist that you please stop using them that way.

One idea I might suggest is maybe having one clone exist, and rather than have him be a servant or assistant to the real Silver, make him be an evil twin or something. Like let's say that at some point, probably in college or maybe earlier, Silver attempted a high level spell that was beyond his abilities, or maybe tried to modify a less complicated spell as he does in the original story if I remember correctly. I seem to recall that he modified a basic cloning spell so that the clones were able to think and act independently, and retain knowledge, and whatever else they can do.

I would probably have him attempt the same thing, but instead of succeeding, fuck it up. He accidentally creates a perfect clone of himself, but while the real Silver works to overcome his flaws, his clone is just a complete soulless dick. He has his own life and goes on his own wacky adventures, but from time to time injects himself into the real Silver's life, attempting to impersonate him for various reasons, probably in situations like dates with Twilight or other instances where he is getting close to gaining someone's trust but his evil clone conveniently fucks it up for him. It's an old trope that you can still get a surprising amount of mileage from if you do it right.
Anonymous
9r7pn
?
No.3932
3933 3935 3940 3941
>>3930
Wow
...
you are
...
trying so hard
...
jesus
...
btw I got those games from humble bundle. Cheap games AND I get to support charity!
Also if you want to pretend I "Hate you for being notorious", turn your PC off so you can keep on pretending I'm saying what you wish I was saying.
You're a loudmouthed crybaby, desperate for attention and "Notoriousness". It's sad and pathetic.
>>3931
Sounds good, what else?
I was thinking of reducing his "Arsenal" down to "I have a handful of spells, devices, and enchanted stuff on me at any given time".

(user thinks he knows about Vril)
Anonymous
vN4Hh
?
No.3933
>>3932
KEK, tell us more about Vril, and loudmouthed crybabies, please
Anonymous
TeAfN
?
No.3934
Opera Snapshot_2018-09-13_172207_mlpol.net Nigel feels in charge.png
File (hide): 39986B7802D8B66B6D8BB77C54C3876D-822250.m4v (803.0 KB, Resolution:480x480 Length:00:00:06, laughing parrot.mp4) [play once] [loop]
laughing parrot.mp4
>>3920

>"I diagnose you with gay, you whiny pseudointellectual redditor. Fuck off over to some adult political discussion so you can try and impress the adults present with your ability to (mis)use big boy words and terms while talking about "Muh cycles" and how "we have to prepare for the badness cycle guys! I'm smart for saying that! plz gib upvoats". Or fuck off back to the reddit/discord circlejerk that gave you this titanic ego. Either one works, but you honestly don't belong here.[/b]
You aren't intelligent. You aren't redpilled. You don't engage people in intellectual discussions. You don't care about western civilization or its future. You're just here to try and gain "Notoriety" so you can pretend your tiny scrap of internet fame means something. You're here because it's where the people went when they left you and the communities you and your friends ruined to seek greener and less circlejerky pastures.
You aren't here to have a good time. You're here to stop others from having a good time without you because you're secretly bitter about how lonely and irrelevant your "Ebin internet troll" lifestyle has left you.
You cry a lot when people don't treat you how you feel entitled to be treated, but you are a cuck.
And a fraud.
[b]You are a cuck, and we have nothing to offer each other but scorn because I can't cure you of what you've got. I'm sorry for whatever parental neglect/abuse in your past caused you to act out in this way for attention, you didn't deserve to be raised like that but if you turned out like this, they deserved you. I'm sorry that you're addicted to the feeling of thinking you're being persecuted for loving glimmyglam, and your own sad idea of fun, but if I can't cure you, that means you will gain nothing from continuing to talk to me. So please, stop embarassing yourself, and stop trying to force your own views on what I "Must be" onto others. Don't make me tell the people here about that time you exposed yourself on a subreddit for old people while trying to convince the people there I'm what you think I am."


Never before have you described yourself in one post better, Nigel. This post is proof that you are merely low functioning, since you cant tell who is what. But good attempt. I doubt it will grant you long term betterment though.


Anonymous
LNipu
?
No.3935
3936 3937 3938
>>3906
Who are you on Fimfic, I want to know who he blocked >>3548

>>3932
You don't know anything about me, leddit will always hold a special place in my heart because like most stupid places From the internet it's filled wIth Many people who will give validation and positive praise in the overwhelmingly positive if it has any slight amount of redeeming qualities or 50/100 if its shit.

The internet is just one of those places,
filled with tonnes of unearned, unhealthy and stunted validation.

So why do you care if I share my theories on leddit? Everyone who cares enough to engage gets value out of its discussion or likes it.
vril
!IX1BG24xwk
hC8pj
?
No.3936
3939
nightmare-rarity.png
>>3935
So hows my flag going?
I hope it isn't getting too muddy.
Anonymous
9r7pn
?
No.3937
3939 3942 3943
this shit again.png
>>3935
How else can I put this...
The problem isn't that you USE reddit, it's that you ARE reddit.
You are everything wrong with Reddit. You display the absolute worst of reddit-like behaviour, and the worst behaviours and attitudes that it encourages. You aren't here to contribute to the site, you're here to get metaphorical upvotes on this site. You aren't here to contribute, you're here to seem like you are a contributor, and to make sure everyone knows it's you when you talk out your ass about cycles and inevitabilities and other bullshit, you have an avatar by another name. Did reddit infect you through exposure, or were you always like this? It doesn't matter. You want to turn this thread into one of your liberal reddit circlejerk "Everyone, quick! Downvote this guy no matter what he says and where he goes!" sessions. You want to feel strong, and you want to reassure yourself that at least you aren't me. Of course, you not being me is only a reassuring thing for you if you can convince yourself that being me is not only bad, but the worst thing any human being could ever be.
These downvote threads might be fun for you, but they don't contribute anything to this site. They don't provide better OC for its users. They don't help western civilization. They drive writers away by convincing them that all fanfic writers are like this loudmouthed vocal minority of unpleasable bullies. They don't belong here, on a site that should be the perfect synthesis of everything good about /mlp/ and /pol/.
Just as the shills of 4chan's /pol/ don't belong here, the ledditor circlejerkers of 4chan's /mlp/ do not belong here. And if one does, so does the other, for whatever reason there is to allow one to corrupt the place.
I originally wanted to advertise my fic here, with one thread about it. I made a second thread about >tfw making this fic. But now, I can improve my writing skills here, with the aid of the civil and intelligent people here. And you don't want that, because you don't want people to be good, or to get better. You want to destroy, like a liberal. You want people to suck, so you can pretend they suck more than you.
If you want to find people who actually do suck more than you, there's only one place you can find them. Do something good for western civilization and try to uncover the identities of Antifa members, supporters, sympathizers, conspirators, and funders. You don't have to be like this forever. You can turn your life around and turn your desperate search for much-needed self-validation into something constructive. Trust me, your self-esteem issues hurt you a lot less when you've got some actual accomplishments to your name.
Anonymous
hC8pj
?
No.3938
karma_leads_the_upvotes_by_orangel8989-d57diq0.png
>>3935

126

Anonymous
vN4Hh
?
No.3939
3942
REDDIT.gif
>>3936
Shhhh! This is hilarious! You're gonna spoil it
>>3937
>pic related
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
N6UW2
?
No.3940
3946
>>3932
>I was thinking of reducing his "Arsenal" down to "I have a handful of spells, devices, and enchanted stuff on me at any given time".

Again this is definitely a good idea and it's good to see you're willing to start moving your character in this direction.

For Silver's powers and arsenal the main thing is to just dial it back to where he's at a reasonable power level for a character at the beginning of a story. What specifically he can do is up to you, but the main thing to think about is that his powers are appropriate for a low-level character. If you think of it like a video game, most of the time you start out with a character who can't do very much initially. The character usually starts off with some skills in a particular area or a weapon he can use well, and maybe a single special attack or special move. Anything else he learns along the way as a result of gaining experience or fighting bosses. If a character is powerful enough to defeat the final boss at the beginning of the game there's no reason to play the game. If you want him to be both a fighter and a magic user, try to balance his abilities evenly between the two and don't make him too powerful in either area. A friend of mine is writing a fantasy story that relies heavily on fighting rules, and he solved these technical problems by devising his own level system and simple RPG-like battle mechanics. That way he's got a logical, consistent system that helps him determine where each of his characters is at skill-wise, who they could reasonably beat, and who they would be outmatched against. You seem to enjoy inventing spells and battle mechanics so this might be an avenue for you to explore. But map the details out on the side and use them as reference, don't dump them into your text.

Particularly since it looks like you want this story to be a long, continuing saga, you will especially want to think about what kinds of abilities you want your character to attain along the way and how to space them out so he gains them at appropriate times. You don't have to have the whole thing completely mapped out, but it's probably a good rule of thumb that he shouldn't gain more than one major power per story arc. Also try to keep in mind the way things would logically work in your world. What kinds of things would Silver be logically able to do at the point in his life that you begin the story? It sounds like he did well at his magical dueling school, so he would probably have some abilities there; however, he's young and a recent college graduate, so while he is probably a match or well above the level of most of his classmates, he would probably get the shit kicked out of him if he went up against an alumnus of that school who'd been out in the world honing his skills for a decade or two. School basically prepares you to enter a particular career or discipline; doing well in school means you're a good entry-level candidate, it doesn't mean you're a master of that discipline.

It's also logical that he would be good at business at this point, but probably not wealthy yet. He knows how to earn money but wealth takes time to build. Have him start out low-level somewhere in the business world and work his way up, as I said I think you could make an entire story arc out of a conflict between him and some evil businesspony, either a competitor or someone he works for. You could play this out over several chapters and then resolve it, maybe even work in another complete arc before he even thinks of going to Ponyville. If you want him to be a successful and wealthy character, you should spend some time showing his climb to success, rather than just start the story out where he's already successful.

As to his intellectual pursuits, again it makes sense he would be smart and ambitious but not terribly accomplished yet. I think it would be a good idea to have him write a book or something (ONE book) that ends up being reasonably successful in some circles and gains him a small amount of fame and income, but not enough to propel him to the top. Again I think this could serve as a potential introduction point for when he eventually meets Twilight. Oh, and one more thing about that: you really need to examine the dynamics between the two of them and how you approach that. The way I'd set it up is to have Silver be aware that the Princess of Friendship lives in town when he eventually gets to Ponyville and wants to meet her, but isn't sure how to approach. Twilight finds out through the grapevine that he moved there recently, and it turns out she's read his book and liked it. The details of how they meet are up to you, but ideally, at the beginning, Silver should be more impressed with Twilight than Twilight should be with Silver. Treat the relationship the way you treat the rest of what he does: as a goal that he gradually accomplishes over the course of the story. You can even use stats and things to make it work if that helps you; make a dating sim out of it. Create a progress bar for his efforts to win her over. Every time he does something to impress her, it goes up. Every time he does something arrogant or stupid, it goes down. Set a high threshold for winning her over that will take him multiple arcs to achieve. A romantic story within an action story is by nature a subplot, so dole it out in small chunks and space it out across multiple arcs.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
N6UW2
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No.3941
3946
>>3932
Also if you didn't see them I would recommend you give a couple of other posts I made a quick read: >>3929 and >>3928. Pay particular attention to what I said about characterization because it's a significant deficiency in your writing that I've seen thus far, and if you can improve in that area it will help you a lot in any genre you might want to write in. You should also try to resist the temptation to go off topic or ramble too much or drop too much information into the story at once. Some writers like to outline and some like to make the story up as they go, but one way or the other you should have a general plan in mind for where you want the story to go in the long-term and try to follow it. In your case you may want to try writing a short outline for each arc you want to work on, then divide the action up so you know what events should happen in each chapter. The plan isn't gospel and you can deviate a bit from it if you want, but try to more or less adhere to the general timeline so that action keeps flowing evenly and your text doesn't get bogged down.

For instance Chapter 6 that you posted, which is where I initially started reading, is by far the longest chapter in your entire story, but very little actually happens in that chapter. If you lay it out so that by the end of chapter 6, this and this and this should have happened, then discover that Chapter 6 has swollen practically to the size of its own novel, but you haven't even covered half the events that you wanted to cover, that will serve as a red flag that you probably have some extraneous text that you need to remove or break up. Remember, if you're planning to write a long continuous work that spans multiple volumes anyway, you have no real constraints on length, so there's really no reason you need to feed the reader a huge amount of information at once. Just write it all out for yourself and save it to your hard drive somewhere, then use that text as a reference for yourself. You may want to consider writing a world bible or something similar that lays out all the complicated autistic mechanics and everyone's backstories and personal history so that you can reference it while writing. It will help you keep your details straight and also allow you to get a lot of your ideas out of your head and on paper, so you won't be as tempted to dump them into the text of your story. A lot of fantasy authors who set stories in complicated fictional worlds do something similar.

Sticking with Chapter 6 as an example, as I said you have an extremely long chapter in which very little happens. The reason for this is that you obviously have quite a bit to say about Glimmer and her beliefs and the things she's done, and the dialog between Silver and Glimmer dominates most of the chapter. Without changing any of the core content or message, you could split this up much more effectively across multiple chapters or even multiple arcs with a bit of planning and thought. You could simultaneously address some of the logic issues in this chapter.

You have Silver meet Glimmer for the first time at the barn party, however as it's been pointed out Glimmer is living in Twilight's castle, and you've said that one of Silver's clones has been inside the castle to explore it. It would thus make sense that Silver would be aware of Glimmer's presence in Ponyville, however at the party Silver seems shocked to find her there, which is how the fight starts. The whole thing just doesn't make much sense.

A better way to handle this would be to again eliminate the clone thing, and then have Silver bump into Glimmer at some point. He recognizes her, they argue (NOT for 30k words, just a short argument). Don't have them physically fight, just argue for maybe a couple of paragraphs, then Glimmer storms off. This sets up a conflict that you can make into a recurring event. It also opens up the potential for a conflict between Twilight and Silver, because Glimmer is Twilight's friend and Silver and Glimmer hate each other. Conflict is good, it's the stuff that stories are made from. If you want a long-runnning story, you'll want to set up multiple conflicts that can be resolved over time.

You can play out this back and forth a lot across multiple chapters or even multiple arcs. My advice, since you've said that Glimmer is not meant to be a major villain but just kind of a small distraction for Silver, is to make it a side story that intermittently pops up from time to time, rather than focusing an arc on it. Glimmer pops in and out of the story, and every time she does they argue about Communism or Equalism or whatever you want to call it. Just a short argument, nothing huge. If Twilight is around maybe have her stick up for Glimmer but also start to see things from Silver's perspective as well, the more he lays points out. In the end you can resolve it however you want, just don't do the whole thing all at once, and try to focus on events rather than rhetoric. In the massive argument scene, you tend to repeat a lot of the same points over and over. This isn't necessarily bad, but it's better to dole these kinds of ideas out across multiple scenes in small, easy to digest chunks. Again, remember your audience. People reading action stories probably aren't as interested in long debate sequences, so if you want to slip ideology into your story in a way that might influence them, you have to do it more subtly. Try to make the argument scenes topical and relate to events in the world, rather than something as broad and theoretical as ideology.
Anonymous
LNipu
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No.3942
3946
7BB15B9F-361A-4768-B341-D90B7F0B022E-605-000000DBCE716FBE.jpeg
>>3939
He's calling other people but between these two 'ebic drama threads' slightly turned into something useful (thank GlimmerNigel, faggot) and the poll drama /mlpol/ looks like it's experiencing the fall part of the cycle:
"weak men creating reddit-times"

Over all it's comedic because of how this mooomoo is literally leddit even though he says I'm leddit incarnate.
>>3937
So? You say I'm leddit, a valid flaw to be fair, but compared to my ledditfied description of myself aren't you still a bigger ledditor than me? Or is helping leddit pay the bills not counted?
It's almost like someone is making you criticize yourself.
Anonymous
45j+K
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No.3943
3944
>>3937

Anonymous
45j+K
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No.3944
1527158465242.jpg
>>3943
Thanks for posting the pic /mlpol/