This is suppose to be a chill af thread. It's fine if it becomes a slider thread. I'll only make a new one of these if there is intrest.
>What is the need for this thread when we already have Glimglam's review thread and Anonfilly?
Compared to Glimglam's thread this thread is about what we Anons will or want to create. The only reviewing that might happened here is incidental, as in providing critic to some other work through comparison with the work at hand, and when one Anon tells another what his opinions of their work is.
This thread is first and foremost about producing stories.
This cannot be done in the Anonfilly thread since it is about Anonfilly first and foremost.
>Why a thread like this? Cannot we just have threads pop up organically because an Anon chose to post a green?
Yes, you are right. And this thread is absolutely not against other threads that circle around a singular story made by an Anon.
What this thread really is, is a form of support group for anyone wanting to write but are struggling with something in their writing process, like myself.
I thought it would be a good idea to talk to other Anons who also have similar goals about our stories and are struggling in creating them. Maybe, you struggle on something I don't and maybe I struggle on something you don't and therefore we can provide advice to each other on how to overcome our problems? Maybe some mysterious wise Anonsage lurks and our discussion prompts him to tell us his method he gained from meditating on top of K2 for five years without chicken tendies.
As stated before this is relaxed thread. If you like the thread, you don't have to pressure yourself into posting something to bump it. If anyone would like a continuation of it, I'll post a new one if it hits the archive. It's also okay to get off topic sometimes as well. I understand that conversations can lead to tangents and that it can be a relief finding someone else to talk to about things with, especially if few shares the perspective. If things get out of hand, I, or someone else, will ask you to kindly take this discussion to another thread or more fitting board, even perhaps. As an actual sugguestion, not a hidden insult. You and another Anon might discover something really intresting to talk about so why not create a thread about it?
Memetexts are, of course, welcomed.
Also, you don't have to share your problems if you don't want to. If you feel like telling us about your story that's enough. Story ideas can be really intresting to listen to and it might help you in return. Again, only do that if you want to.
So that's about it for the thread's header. The rest that follows is about me.
Right now, I thought about making the most simplest story I could think off. It's a simple hero's journey story. I do this because of two reasons. First off, I wanna know that I can start a project and see it to the end. I have only succeeded in finishing short stories before, you see, so this time I wanna try something longer. I also wanna keep it simple so that I don't get overwhelmed during the process of writing it.
>>299458>This cannot be done in the Anonfilly thread since it is about Anonfilly first and foremost.
Or, rather becuase every story has to be about filly in the Anonfilly htread but here it can be about anything.
Thanks friend!>Right now, I thought about making the most simplest story I could think off. It's a simple hero's journey story. I do this because of two reasons. First off, I wanna know that I can start a project and see it to the end. I have only succeeded in finishing short stories before, you see, so this time I wanna try something longer. I also wanna keep it simple so that I don't get overwhelmed during the process of writing it.
It's certainly something when it's done with the right mindset. That you did it! Along the way regrets and wanting to perfect it comes up, but I think the important part is doing it start to finish first.
My advice is to Just-Do-It. Anything related to the story that can be referenced every day. A short note, a character thing or a sentence or two. Or more. From my limited experience having an unexpected break can throw off one's groove.
I'm looking foward to what you've got.
>>299464>Along the way regrets and wanting to perfect it comes up, but I think the important part is doing it start to finish first.
I agree.>Anything related to the story that can be referenced every day. A short note, a character thing or a sentence or two. Or more.
I'm not sure what you're trying to say, frien.>I'm looking foward to what you've got.
I'm still working out the outline but I know what it is about, thematically. It will be a while before I have anything written. It mostly depends on how much I work on it. I don't have a scheduale for when I should write per week or day. In fact, I have hard to with focus and structure.
As the comic stripe you have attached, I won't be putting to much pressure on myself because I don't want to hate myself if I fail to preform.
Feelan really good about my current writefag project. Novella-length, non-pone. This might be the first one I seriously try to make money off of.
Sounds great. Hope you succeed.
Not to put the cart before the horse but how do you intend to sell it? Like, there are many alternatives today. Well, I guess there are two: Online or through a publisher.
Publisher. There's one I've worked with who's enjoyed some short stories and poems I wrote, so I figure if I can write a longer work that's actually good there's a decent chance he'll take it. Small, independent publishers definitely seem like the best option for unknown writers in my opinion. Major publishing houses probably toss your manuscript straight into the trash if you're not a famous name or haven't sucked someone's dick, and self-publishing can lock you out of certain opportunities such as professional cover art and advertising, plus the fact that most book stores won't carry self-published works.
It sort of is putting the cart before the horse, but I do think that having a publisher in mind can actually help you while you're writing. That is to say, you can tailor your story to your prospective publisher's tastes and hopefully have a better chance of being accepted as a result.
But yeah, I've definitely got to actually hammer out the story before worrying too hard about all that.
>>299474>There's one I've worked with who's enjoyed some short stories and poems I wrote
You write poems? I find that and riddles really hard to make and, in regards to riddles, hard to solve. I just find it hard to rythme or find words that convey the meaning that I want but also rythme. That's actually one of the reasons why I was impressed by the first part of Doki Doki Literature Club. The guy had actually put the effort into writing poems in different styles for each character.
I have at times thought about finding a artist to partner up with. It would be cool if one could make a comic or something together with someone who can draw.
However, I try to keep my thoughts away from such dreams because I'm far away from that being a possibility.
Awesome idea. The only reason I still go to 4-leaf-clover-chan is for /lit/. Haven't been able to find anything comparable on alt chans, high hopes for here.
Is it possible to write about an essay about my own thoughts or feelings about something without coming off preachy? Or am I forced to write an analogous but fictional story and hope people make the connection?
Writing is hard. Sure, you can write, yet there is a hidden layer that puts things into perspective. When I read someone's work on fimfiction (one that hits one thousand likes, no less) I can definitely sense a distinct way of how the story reveals itself.
And to add a spoon of bitterness to this already spoiled broth, I am a foreigner so it's double the amount of pain whichever sentense is natural to write or not.
See what you did there? I added a figurative trope to make things interesting. Writing is a perfect combination of good wording and imaginative story telling. But it is also ten times more than that.
I think that the more time is spent practicing and inspiring one's imagination - the better it gets. Simular to writing, I remember my drawings seven years prior to this moment and I can say that my artistic talent got a bit better (they're still shit, but at least I am more aware of the most common mistakes). We all know the definition of insanity from farcry, but strangely so, it does help the more you resist to give up and continue doing the same thing over and over again.
Glad to hear it.>>299480>Is it possible to write about an essay about my own thoughts or feelings about something without coming off preachy?
I think I understand what you're saying but I'm not sure. Are you talking about writing an essay or about writing a story.
I have some thoughts on this matter but you should probably take them with a grain of salt since I haven't actually finished a novel-length story before.
I think the problem with stories that are written off as preachy, or essays for that matter but I'm first and foremost talking about stories here, isn't because they have a clear message. I think the problem is in the execution of these stories. Stories with a clear moral, like children stories or an mlp episode has to prove their moral through the story. I feel it is the same in this case. A story and its scenes are the argument(s) that prove the moral it presents to be correct.
I think the problem is when there is a character which opinion is the moral of the story. I guess it can work. However, a character like that will almost seem psychic or too good to be true. He or she can become a (G)Mary S(t)ue because of this.
Take Ian Malcom in Jurrassic Park. There is a scene when he talks to the asian doctor in charge of the labratory or whatever. In it the Doctor asks him if he is sugguesting that park filled with females will have offsprings. Malcom answers, "No, I'm simply saying, uhhh... Life will find a way."
In my opinion, this is too much and very odd. If I had been in Malcom's shoes right then, I would probably shrink back a bit. I mean he is actually saying that females will have offsprings unless he has read the script and knows that some of these dinos will become trans because how else will "life find a way"?
I, if I were Malcom and still felt sure about my position, would chew my lip and say, "Well, I don't think you can control this ot that extent but okay."
My point is that he seem like the author's favorite or like the author himself. It is almost like his words dictate the outcome of the movie rather than it begin something that happened as a consequence of the factors that are suppose to be the reason behind things.
I think some thing becomes "preachy" when a character soap box and the story vindicates them.
I think, again, that the point of a story is to prove
its message to be true rather than to have it either explain to us why it is correct by a character or, as in worse, not explained at all just blurted out as obvious.
I believe there are more ways to go about all this though. An Anon on this site wrote a story called, "Castle of Vapor." I shill it whenever I can, that should tell you what I think about it.
It is good example of this though.
In it all characters are exaggerated for sarcasm and comdey purposes but also as social commentary. What I mean with exaggerated is not that people like this doesn't exist. It is more that its quite coincidental that the MC is such a sterotype and every other character he meets in the story is also a sterotype but this works in the story's favour. Since people can swallow an "edgy" and "rascist" joke and self-deprication is also appriciated that the ideas presented can be presented without there being a good way for anyone to boycote the story without comming off as a buzz kill. The ideas presented are clearly presented in parody manner but people cannot deny that there is some truth to these sterotypes that they are presented with becuase they know people in real life that are like this.
Things just kind of are in this story.
The MC lives in commieblock, gets wellfare checks while working partly as uber driver. His name is Tips Fedora and his only friends are two pony tulpas. He is a huge autist and he eats junk food.
The same kind of list like attributes can be written about the other characters of the story.
This constant irony mode that the story is set on actual helps to emphasize, through contrast, the one thing that does matter in the story: The friendship between MC and the hipster character. It is kinda of telling as it is the only thing that is no material and it is cleverly symbolized through a... dollar bill? I think. Whatever, I don't burger so I don't know. It probably has some extra layer of symbolism if you know something about that president or whatever the guy was on the bill.
Anyway, it's material value is replaceable but not its sentimental value for the MC and only when he has cleaned his friend's name, he uses it. Or does he actually clean his friend's name in the end? I forget but he solves the mysery in the end and then buys something with the bill.
Appearently it was ten-dollar bill and the guy was, as you in the knowing have already figured out, Alexander Hamilton.
>>299488>the one thing that does matter in the story
"Matter" might not be the best word here. What I mean is that while everything else is laced with irony, this is not and its the only thing is played straight and genuinely.
>>299481>We all know the definition of insanity from farcry, but strangely so, it does help the more you resist to give up and continue doing the same thing over and over again.
Yeah, that's a funny way to put it but its acutally fairly accurate, at least for me, so far.
Currently, I'm grinding out words on docs. I wonder if any of you could give me some advice.
I feel that I can describe a ood scene when I give it enough time and I also feel that I can plan a good plot when given time but I have a hard time meshing these two things together. Either I plan a bunch but nothing gets written in the end or I don't plan at all.
So I'm thinking about two different approaches to solve this problem.
Either I focus on writing, smaller scenes or stories that are well thought out but as stated short.
Or I take a simple premise story and just grind out a long story and basically ignore any problems with the plot that aren't major ones.
The former practices the quality of my writing while the latter improves my stamina. I feel that both of these things are things I value and would like to improve in my skillset.
Right now, I'm leaning towards the former because that sounds like a priority to me but I would like your input on this manner. Of course, you always don't need to offer any insight into this manner but I would be grateful for any.
Yes, I'm aware that this is not a new talking point from me. And yes, I develop at an extremly slow rate.
Plan your 3 main points of the story and let it flow from there. Don't grind it out, just write the story as it flows with the characters you have. Unless you're writing book two of a trilogy you're very unlikely to end up where you originally planned to when you put the pen down.
Thanks for the advice, I'll think about it.
I see that your refering to the discovery writing style. Do you have any experience with it yourself?
So we could write our stories not related to mlp in this thread?
In my opinion, any Anon who practice their craft here is just better for the board overall and I also think that litterature is one of those things that can really change peoples' minds so it is good investment for any polack to learn. However, I don't know. If what you write isn't either /Pol/ nor /Mlp/ then I guess it doesn't belong on the board. To me, it doesn't matter and such things has happened before.
Honestly, that's something for the mods to decide upon. I really can't answer. I say post whatever you have in mind and see what happens.
Okay. I like to write and would love for a place to craft my prose where the feedback isn't censored, that it would be presented as is. I'll post a story later when I could think of one, just to try it out
Monsters are real, Jeanette thought as she took a cautious step toward the thing in the tank. The light illuminating the tank gave off a greenish murk of a glow that only added to the disbelief and surrealism of the moment. It made her want to touch it so she could confirm this moment was not a dream. She took a hesitant step forward before her father gripped her shoulder tightly, pinching it, almost as though he read her thoughts and did it to prove it wasn't a dream.
"Not too close, dear," her father had said calmly.
She looked up into his steel grey eyes, seeing a calm look that had bothered her more than when he was in a bout of rage from his drinking.
"What is it?" She had finally found her voice to ask the simple question.
"Proof," He said coolly before kneeling and looking into her eyes," Proof of Hell itself, my dear. It's been under the waters this entire time,"
"Hell...," She murmured before giving the monstrosity in the tank a solemn gaze.
It certainly looked like something that traversed the stygian depths of Hell. That much was certain from its appearance alone. Jeanette took a sharp breath and took a step back ward as it suddenly flung it's tentacles against the glass with a hard smack. Almost pointing at her as though it could feel the fear and uncertainly growing roots into the girl's heart and soul.
Which it might very well could have, considering, Jeanette's father thought as he boldly took a step forward and reached into the pocket inside his fine suit coat.
He smiled devilishly as the shekel caught its ever peering eyes and it's tentacles now grazed against the glass with an audible sucking sound. Jeanette watched in awe at the spectacle, feeling her heart race and remembering a word her mother had taught her. Not just a word but also a sin.
A sin called Avarice.
And with the sight of the creature's reaction to the shekel, she knew that was the Devil. The Devil bound and caged by man itself.
If the mods don't approve it being here then I bet they wouldn't mind if a thread was made on /ub/.
Yeah, sure. I'll will wait for the mods decision though. This thread has barely started and there so far is only one post that isn't directly related to either politics or poners >>300904
I have a feeling most of the posters on this board, because they visit this board, will post pony or politics related stuff anyway.
Also, its a drag to create a new thread. I'll hold off on fixing something that might not be a problem yet. Let's wait an see for a bit.>>300904
Have just skimmed it so far but I do like the way your write things. It reminds me of my own writting style actually, but perhaps with a greater vocbularity.
It's fine. If a change becomes necessary, we'll discuss how to.proceed in thread. For now, carry on.
Okay. Thanks for letting us know!
>>299488>An Anon on this site wrote a story called, "Castle of Vapor." I shill it whenever I can, that should tell you what I think about it.
I'm the author. I'm genuinely happy that you enjoyed that story so much, I was fairly happy with it myself but I wasn't sure how broad of an appeal it might have.>It is kinda of telling as it is the only thing that is no material and it is cleverly symbolized through a... dollar bill? I think. Whatever, I don't burger so I don't know. It probably has some extra layer of symbolism if you know something about that president or whatever the guy was on the bill.>Appearently it was ten-dollar bill and the guy was, as you in the knowing have already figured out, Alexander Hamilton.
It is a bit of a burger joke; I suppose you would have to know our currency to really get it. It's also a joke on the novel that this story takes it's inspiration from.
My story is loosely based on The Long Goodbye
by Raymond Chandler, which you might also enjoy reading if you enjoyed mine. The mystery plays out much differently, but the basic setup is the same: the detective character has a chance encounter with a drunk guy he ends up becoming friends with, they hang out for awhile, then the guy's wife gets murdered. The cops finger the guy lol
for the murder, so he asks the detective to help him leave the country. Meanwhile, the detective thinks his friend was wrongly accused, so he tries to solve the mystery, but before he can figure it out he receives news that his friend was killed.
In Chandler's story, the drunk guy gives the detective a $5,000 bill as payment for sneaking him across the Mexican border. A $5,000 bill is a pretty rare denomination of bill that you don't see very often, mostly because it's so large. In the early 1950s, when the story was written, $5,000 was a preposterous amount of money, so basically this is a very rare, high-value bill that the guy gives him. The detective can't spend it or do anything with it, so he ends up just storing it in his safe. Throughout the story he periodically takes it out of the safe and looks at it, and it becomes a symbol of the unresolved issue of his friend's murder, and the mystery surrounding who really killed his wife. A $5,000 bill has a picture of James Madison on it, so throughout the story the detective keeps referring to the bill as his "Portrait of Madison."
The bill in my story was meant to be kind of a riff on this. $10 is obviously not very much money, and the $10 bill is quite common in America. However, it assumes the same symbolic role in the story: the friend disappears and leaves a mystery behind, and Tips Fedora can't spend or get rid of the bill he gave him until the mystery is resolved and he knows his friend is okay. Alexander Hamilton is on the $10 bill, so the character in my novel talks about having a "Portrait of Hamilton."
Also, fun bit of trivia: in Chandler's story, the detective's drunk friend is named Terry Lennox. I named my analogous character Elroy R. Tennbox, which is a slightly-fudged anagram I added a B and a second O
. Also, "Tennbox" sounds a little like "ten bucks," which is burger slang for ten dollars. I'm honestly a little proud of how many levels I got this dumb joke to work on.
Here are my throughts. Haha, for what it's worth. >Monsters are real
You didn't write it in cursive. Cool. It's not wrong I just haven't seen that before.
Seems like something you would say if you have been been told or you been presented with reasons to believe in monsters before but you didn't get convinced, rather than someone who sees a monster for the first time. The latter would probably just go, "Whaaaa! What the fuck?"
Depending on Jeanette's history with the supernatural I say it could be either a good line or an okay line. >she took a cautious step toward the thing in the tank.
Most peole would have backed up from an hideous abomination but not Jeanette. I guess she is a friend of science! >pic related. And has a curious nature. >She took a hesitant step forward before her father gripped her shoulder tightly, pinching it, almost as though he read her thoughts and did it to prove it wasn't a dream.>and did it to prove it wasn't a dream.
I would drop the last independent clause here. That's right I know what they are.
I think your explaining too much here. If the reader stopped right after, "thoughts," they would still know what you're talking about. Let them chew on the implication of him reading her mind. That's what I think anyway. >"Not too close, dear," her father had said calmly.>dear,
I assume they are british. >She looked up into his steel grey eyes
I think this should be, "steel-grey eyes." It should be a compound adjective since otherwise your saying, I think, that the eyes were of steel and grey.
Correct me if I'm wrong.
I like that you mix character actions with description like this. She looks into his eyes and you describe the eyes. It makes for go pacing and you don't put the story one hold in the same way to describe how a character looks like. Although, sometimes this is necessary and I think one shouldn't go overboard with this. It would probably be a monkey on one's back and there are other things to prioritize over fancy langauges use.
Might get back to this later.
>>300904>>301154>She had finally found her voice to ask the simple question.
Actually forget what I said before. Your style of writing and mine have significant differences. Not that yours is worse, it might actually be better. But I wouldn't have written this sentence. I would just had, "What is it?"
stan for itself. >He said coolly before kneeling and looking into her eyes
Neat. Here you imply her age without saying it.>"Proof,">" Proof of Hell itself, my dear. It's been under the waters this entire time,"
This is probably just a typo there should be a period after, "time."
The idea is cool too.>Which it might very well could have, considering, Jeanette's father thought
Perhaps, I'll return to this later.>>300952
Thanks for letting us know.
Checked. Love you too fren>>301154>>301203
I appreciate the thoughts Swede fren. If you post one of your stories i'll be sure to give back good feedback!
No need for promises, or well that's my policy because I always fail to hold them. You might be different.
I hope you write more.
Sunset Shimmer had her revenge. The white and red body of the sun goddess was strewn upon the floor. The palace was in ruins.
”P-p-p-please... Sunset, stop. I'm begging you,” princess Celestia choked out as tears streamed down her cheeks.
A twisted grin appeared on Sunset's lips. He pressed hard on one of the alicorn's wings, right where it attached to the rest of the alicorn's body. Sunset's fiery mane whipped forward in the air as she suddenly had jerked forward. The bone in the wing broke and the wing twisted behind the alicorn's back.
Celestia screamed a high-pitched scream but it was soon replaced by a whimper. She was too exhausted to be to react to the pain.
A teal veil poured out from Sunset's horn and began to swirl around it. It was transparent and seemed to be some sort of liquid that appeared like smoke in the air. It appeared around Celestia's chin and seemed to pull her face to face with Sunset.
Sunset's grin was so wide it showed teeth. There was malicious glee in her eyes. Celestia's expression could be replicated if one pulled one's lover lip inwards, bent it like a ”c” but with the arch upwards.
”Long live the Princess,” Sunset said while magical energies swirled around her horn and looked to be charging.
”We have seen enough!”
As if Thanos snapped out of existence, Celestia disappeared. She was not alone. The rest of the ruined interior of the palace disappeared and was replaced with clouds that floated like fog past sunset's hooves and a star clad night sky.
Sunset looked surprised by the sudden shift in the environment. She looked down and saw that she stood on some invisible floor and there was nothing underneath her but midnight blue skies. Her green eyes then saw a white sphere in the heavens with the drawn face of a black horse in it. It was the moon with a nightmare moon still in it.
Sunset raise one eyebrow and lowered the other.
Wait, that's not right, she thought.
That's when the image of the horse turned towards her and blinked. Sunset's eyes went wide. The image then proceeded to crawl out of the moon as if it was a big tube and its black mass floated down onto the cloud near the invisible floor.
The mass shifted in shape and soon Sunset recognized it. It was Princess Luna and Sunset also realized what that implied.
There seemed to be tired pity in Luna's eyes as she looked down on Sunset. His black crown sat on her brow and the blue mane sparkled as it billowed.
Sunset sighed in mock disappointment and said while grinning, ”Ugh, I'm dreaming. Blast it.”
>>301478>Sunset Shimmer had her revenge. The white and red body of the sun goddess was strewn upon the floor. The palace was in ruins.
Good strong opening. I like it!>P-p-p-please
I would shorten this the stutter a little, just for the emphasis it could have.>Celestia screamed a high-pitched scream but it was soon replaced by a whimper.
I would revise it to "A high-pitched scream erupted from Celestia for a long moment before it simpered to a whimper">She was too exhausted to be to react to the pain.>to be to react
A minor typo. I would rephrase it to "She was in such an exhausted state from the pain, there was little energy in her to react to anything">A teal veil poured out from Sunset's horn and began to swirl around it. It was transparent and seemed to be some sort of liquid that appeared like smoke in the air. It appeared around Celestia's chin and seemed to pull her face to face with Sunset.
Good line>Sunset's grin was so wide it showed teeth.
I would revise it to "Sunset's lips curved into a grin so wide it showed the last of her molars">There was malicious glee in her eyes
I would revise to "The maliciousness gave her eyes a dark glow of glee">As if Thanos snapped out of existence
I'm personally not a fan of pop culture references but sometimes it can work. Here it does in an odd way. I like it>Her green eyes
I would describe the color of her eyes to make it memorable. IE "lustrous forest green eyes" "swelling ocean blue eyes" etc.
I'll come back if I think of something else with the last lines. But I like what I see here Anon. You certainly do have a talent at writing and I hope you're sharpening that skill by free writing when you can
Been meaning to respond to this but haven't gotten around to it before.
Thanks for the insight. That "Tennbox" joke flew over my head completely.
It really is a good story. And this does related to this thread so I might as well talk about it a bit. Give you some feedback.
My memory of its entriety is a bit foggy since I didn't read the whole thing recently, however, I did read the opening of the story this autumn. I was trying to make another attempt at making an audio book of the thing but it didn't end up happening.
Its one of those type of stories or media that has good jokes back to back. I had to stop my recording several times just because I bursted out laughing.
I also like to mention that I love the tulpas. A story could be made around them alone, which is sort of what happened. You use them in the story so well, from what I remember.
I remember that you talked about how they were suppose to represent different sides of the mc that he suppressed because they had no place in today's society. Maybe, I'm projecting or simply mis-remembering or somehting in between but was RD a representation of masculine rage and Commieflutters a representation of feminine comfort or something. I like that. I think that it is easy to assume that just RD's element, in this case, would be suppressed in this society. I would argue that Hollywood and shit, tries to flasely associate men caring and showing affection towards each other into gayness. They do this because they fear a group of men that are loyal to each other and are friends. Heh, they fear magic.
But I really like that this tulpas are there for comedy relief but also to make the setting less lonely. Well, story has more dialogue in it because of them after all. However, I like how in ceratain scenes, especially the best scene. The low point of the story, where (SPOILERS!) mc believes his friend was killed
and the tulpas disappear because he doesn't think it is respectful to have them react for him. This also emphasizes through contrast how lonely this guy is normally.
Sorry about the rant of conciousness. Wanted to get this out but yeah, I have something else I need to attend to soon so I got to get it out fast.
Yeah, uhm. Thanks a lot btw for your input.
Your revisions are superior in my eyes as well. Theyr are great. KMight not be the first thing I'll try to improve upon in the future because I have some other things in mind but I will keep it in the backburner.
Posting my another one of my stories called "Prosperine"
Screaming erupted into the stillness of the night, making me snap my head to the gas station to see a figure running out into the night; Leaving footprints in a liquid that was illuminated from the streetlight. I took a moment's glance to see it was blood before I burst into the station, the ringer going off. I was greeted with a vision straight from Hell itself. There were so many bare legs hanging from the ceiling, flailing and kicking. It looked as though they had grown from the ceiling instead of a forced entry. I was in such a shock that I couldn't remember if there had been customers, as I looked down beneath the legs at the small puddles of blood. Some of which had footprints dashed across them, leading away from the cashier huddled in the corner to the doors. The cashier's back was facing me.
Reason told me to run. Reason told me there was no helping the cashier. Whatever was happening was beyond the mortal realm of matters.
But at the same time something clicked inside me, something more powerful then reason that compelled me forward across the gore streaked floor. I dodged and maneuvered through the flailing limbs to the cashier and when I was close enough, I knelt and put a hand on their shoulder. It didn't surprise me my hand was firm and strong instead of limp and quaking. But I felt my heart swell with emotion as I stared at the faceless cashier looking back at me.
"Pros...Prosperine took...took...," She had stuttered.
Before the station's ringer went off.
I immediately turned to see a figure in a long white trench coat standing in the doorway. Long raven black hair hung loose down it's gore streaked coat as it took it's hood off to reveal a feminine face that evoked the word Hesperides. The two small but razor sharp horns on it's skull did not detract but magnified it's beauty. I felt my heart swell achingly again at the mere sight of the figure.
"I almost forgot your lily blue eyes," Three voices spoke at once from it's thin, blood red lips, as it gazed at the cashier.
Before turning that gaze to me. One corner of those blood red lips curved upward into what looked like a crooked smile as a third horn rose between the two smaller ones. At the tip of the third horn was an open eye that didn't just look at me. It felt as though it were looking into my very soul, seeing all my memories, and feeling all my emotions. Searching. It must have found what it was looking for as the figure's lips turned into a full smile.
"Do you want to live?" It asked.
The masculine part of the three voices was dominant in that simple question. A very simple yes or no question that barely reached to me in my current state of...was it fear or maybe even excitement? I didn't care which it was. And I-
"I don't care," I had finally said in a calm voice as I looked from it's third eye to it's two magnificent fiery yellow eyes.
I stared into those eyes, unflinching, almost forgetting everything until it pointed one clawed finger at the hanging limbs. I looked at them to see they weren't flailing anymore. And slowly one of them begin to fall to the floor with a thud. And then one by one they began to fall. I braced myself against the ones above me and flung them off before quickly looking back the door way to see the figure was gone.
I heard a sickly crunching nose and looked back at the casher and saw that she was impaled by one of the limbs sharp bone piercing completely out of the back side of her head. I watched almost without a single emotion as she tried to pry it out of her head before the movements became weaker and weaker and finally stopped as she gurgled up blood and fell back against the wall.
Almost without a single emotion but the sudden fiery burn in my chest that I needed to engage in as I stood up and waded through the limbs to the doors. The ringer went off as I stepped out into the cold night and was greeted with fresh cold air. I looked around desperately before seeing the figure standing by the street light, patiently waiting. I felt my heart swell achingly again and the emotion set afire as it raised it's clawed hand and waved invitingly at me.
I stared into Prosperine's fiery yellow eyes, never feeling as calm as then, and took it's invitation into a world beyond our own as I begin to walk to it.
Have read it once now. It reminded me of Lovecraft's Shadow of innsmouth where the protagonist *spoilers* decides to join the dagons in the end.
Interesting! Thanks fren. I love delving into cosmic horror and the comparison with one of Lovecraft's stories is nice!
There was once a cat and a mouse. They loved to play catch together. The mouse used to chased the cat around the garden.
One day the mouse asked the cat, ”Can't you chase me this time? I always chase.”
The cat paused for a moment and then said, ”No.”
The mouse pleaded, ”Come on, please. It will be fun.”
”Okay,” said the cat.
The cat chased the mouse around the garden. At first the cat chased the mouse slowly, but the more time passed the faster he ran.
In the end the cat caught the mouse and ate the mouse. Then he laid in the garden and cried.
*Should be, "he lied in the garden," at the end.
I have a question on how you write longer-form stories. I came up with an idea lately for a book-length story but rather than write front-to-back I've been noting down anything interesting that pops into my head then trying to string them into a broader plot to flesh out later. Obviously "write down anything that sounds cool" is the fast track to bloated fanfiction but I plan to trim anything that doesn't fit. I know a lot of writers compose an ending before the beginning (which I've also done) but does anyone else use this method? My justification is that if I worry over dialogue, behaviorisms and transitions now I'll forget about important plot points. Or maybe it's just the reverse of English classes where I distilled books into their basic components.>>299488>An Anon on this site wrote a story called, "Castle of Vapor." I shill it whenever I can, that should tell you what I think about it.
I tried searching for it but no dice. Where can I read it?>>300997
I'm impressed by your use of symbolism as an homage/riff and I hope I can pull something similar off. I didn't even know $5000 bills existed (I knew $1000 existed from a movie) but apparently Hamilton was also on a $1000 bill at one point. Someone with a passion for history or political science could probably use Hamilton/Madison's antagonism (Hamilton was a Federalist while Madison was an Anti-Federalist) as something incidental or relevant to the story.>>301478
I like this and its use of a literary twist. Only problem is that the audience may recognize it's actually a dream long before Sunset does; a more sudden change or more subtle hints of Luna would remedy this.>Wait, that's not right, she thought.
Thoughts can be italicized an easy hotkey to use here is Ctrl+I
. Also I'd combine it with the eyebrow adjustment because Sunset's likely doing these things at the same time.>>302300
This is amazing and it's a good example of horror. Prosperine asking a boolean question and responding with a third answer reminds me of a Japanese horror figure who appears to people in bathroom stalls and asks them if they want red or blue toilet paper (Japan is a weird place). I don't know if that was your inspiration but there's similarity there.
However,>I watched almost without a single emotion as she tried to pry it out of her head before the movements became weaker and weaker and finally stopped as she gurgled up blood and fell back against the wall.
I won't lie: this actually made me laugh. The problem with gore in horror is that too much of it loops back around to being funny again. Some horror movies and books actually take advantage of this to add some dark levity, but I don't think that's what you were going with. This would have worked better if the cashier had died suddenly with a look of horror imprinted on her face; realistically if something impales you through the back of your head you won't even be able to move afterwards.>>302798
Actually it should be "he lay in the garden"
>>302817>Castle of Vapor>Where can I read it?
While this guy, >>300997
has an updated version for you. I have the version I read as file attached.>Only problem is that the audience may recognize it's actually a dream long before Sunset does; a more sudden change or more subtle hints of Luna would remedy this.
I'm not exactly sure what the problem is. Could you elborate?>Also I'd combine it with the eyebrow adjustment because Sunset's likely doing these things at the same time.
Good point.>Japanese horror figure who appears to people in bathroom stalls and asks them if they want red or blue toilet paper (Japan is a weird place)
"Have you accepted jesus christ as your personal savior?" "No, I'm jewish.">Ctrl+I
I know. I used it in the document on my computer but that didn't transfer when moving to the textbox for posting and so I forgot about changing changing it. >Actually it should be "he lay in the garden"
Its funny. I'm pretty sure that I looked up something when I wrote this that used this. Maybe I just read it wrong (Highest probability). But they seemed to imply that lied was a version of the word. But I found another site that explained it to me.Still though it sounds much better with lied here.
But with hooves how can you?
Quite poetic Anon. Good job!
Thanks anon. I was going for cosmic horror with this and wanted to add a touch of surrealism
Oh, nice! I read through all of it last night and I'm honestly quite impressed. Haven't read many mysteries so maybe I'm not the best judge, but it's great "neo-noir" is the term used correctly here?
and the twist ending actually got me. I like the social commentary which, though laid on thick, is actually funny rather than preachy. Everyone is a twisted, decrepit version of a man, including the protagonist. He talks to imaginary ponies in his head, and not even show-accurate ones as they have one-note personalities I'm sure this is intentional as they exist to break the tension and ease loneliness
, yet the rest of society is more insane or miserable in comparison while being pretty accurate to real life. I also find it funny how he's totally useless apart from a few flukes of insight: he can't fight, he can't charm, he doesn't have great perception, he can't even dodge. Most of the time the plot is moved along by the other characters and he's just along for the ride--often unwillingly. That's not a bad thing at all. I will say though that irony was narrowly dodged when this homeless-hating man wasn't treated like a hobo despite looking just like one.
The protagonist reminds somewhat of Det. Brent Halligan from "The Mystery of the Druids," as they're both NEETs (practically speaking) who hate the homeless, find 3D women difficult, eat junk food all the time, and are knowledgeable about conspiracy theories. To the author: was that game an inspiration at all? If not, what a bizarre yet blessed coincidence.
All in all, I'm no literary critic but it's masterfully done. I'll share it with any friends who can stand the humor.
Also I've got another question: are there any guides on how to write scenes to convey a certain emotional impact without being too hammy? I want to be able to write action scenes that don't end up being repetitive schlock, tearful dialogues that don't become maudlin, horror scenes that don't leave the reader confused, and feel-good scenes that aren't just empty filler. What are some good examples for each I could refer to?
My view, that I realized a few days ago, is that one should write one's own vision. As in, you shouldn't use midpoint-reversals to make the midpoint of your story more intresting but because that is were you wanna go in the first place.
Your narrative should only be what you want it to be about and from there you provide reasons for why scenes happened in the first place.
So the answer to your question I guess is to allways justify your scenes existnce in your narrative.
But in my mind, you shouldn't be looking at trying to manipulate emotions but you should look at creating scenarios because you like them.
For example, now I'm going to write a small action scene in mlp because I want to and that's it. If this makes the reader excited or whatever emotion they gain from reading this that is up to them and I don't care. Kek, I sure do like the sound of my own voice.
>>303086>now I'm going to write a small action scene in mlp because I want to and that's it.
Well, I wrote 300 words. It's not done yet but I do have an outline.
I never finish anything so I never get anything posted. But I wanted to post this, even if unfinished. Do you think the style of writing here is colorful?
The air over the street seemed to boil. The cobblestone street's stones were yellow as if they were in a furnace. The roaring was the loudest but the patter and popping of the flames consuming adjacent houses could also be heard. A window shattered and a pony jumped from the second store of a building ou onthe otherside, as far away from the blindingly hot street.
Sooth covered a horn and small flame still danced along the tip of it. The unicorn the horn belong to narrowed her green eyes. As she did this, her entire face tensed up; he cheeks pushed inwards and up, and the lower jaw of her mouth moved forward, displaying teeth.
The focus of her gaze jumped around over the street.
Flames the sizes of trees were tore down the roof of a well. After having its beautifully carved pillars burn to charcoal the rest of roof caved in on itself. An annoying scrapping sound echoed out of the well as the ceramic tiles of the mini roof bounced down the well's pipe.
The sound was replaced by another sound, the sound of thunder. The ceramic pieces and burning wood were shot out of the well like a vulcano. They scatter into the air as a bolt lightning zigzagged into the sky. The lightning disappeared into clouds above but just a few seconds after it had, the clouds gathered around the area.
The unicorn mare was hit by a couple raindrops that traveled over her tense face. Her gaze were now entirely focused on the well where the lightning had appeared out of. She only let herself shudder a bit as the clouds sent a downpour her way so huge that it extinguised the fires in a mere minute but also darkened her fur.
>>303240>The air over the street seemed to boil. The cobblestone street's stones were yellow as if they were in a furnace. The roaring was the loudest but the patter and popping of the flames consuming adjacent houses could also be heard.
Nice, strong opening anon. I like it>A window shattered and a pony jumped from the second store of a building ou onthe otherside, as far away from the blindingly hot street.
Out on the otherside*>The unicorn the horn belong to narrowed her green eyes
Her emerald green eyes*
Simple description adds a lot.>As she did this, her entire face tensed up; he cheeks pushed inwards and up, and the lower jaw of her mouth moved forward, displaying teeth.
Her cheeks pushed inwards*>The focus of her gaze jumped around over the street.
The focus of her gaze jumped over the street*>Flames the sizes of trees were tore down the roof of a well.
The inferno of flames the size of trees tore down the roof as well*
I fixed what I can. The rest is good though Anon. Keep sharpening your writing skills every day. Even if it's just random scribbles. Think of the skill like a muscle.
Not that it matters but my writing improve significantly lately. Just check this out. (set in heroes 3)
I feel comfortable writing and describing scenes now for the, like, the first time.
>>304053>Not that it matters
Actually, fuck that self-depricating garbage. Of course, it fucking matters. Suck my dick. As in, if you don't think so. Otherwise, you are free to not.
Sven, here are my thoughts on that thing you posted in my thread:https://mlpol.net/images/src/833506EA00EFE2612DCE66408F4B8840-76793.pdf>A green man grabbed a plastic tube with a mouthpiece at one of its ends.>The green man brought the mouthpiece to his mouth and simultaneously as he pressed a button on it, he took a breath in.
The words "green man" and "mouthpiece" appear in the first sentence and are repeated again in the second; this is redundant. You could use "he" and "it" in the second sentence and it would be clear enough what you are talking about. Also, the wording is a bit awkward. Try this:>A green man grabbed a plastic tube with a mouthpiece at one of its ends.>He brought it to his mouth, pressed a button and simultaneously took a breath.> Grey gas with jolts of electricity appearing inside it.
Be careful about verb tense. I'm assuming what you meant to say here was "Grey gas with jolts of electricity appeared
inside it;" however, as it's currently written it's a sentence fragment.
Anyway, despite the ever-present ESL issues that make your wording awkward not your fault, of course, but as ever it is really difficult not to notice
, the story starts off with a rather interesting opening scene. It appears to be an Anon story, as the protagonist is referred to as "a green man," and at the moment the story begins he appears to be...smoking a breezy. As far as I can tell, the breezy is placed in some kind of bong-like device, and when a button is pressed, it sends an electrical charge into it. This causes the breezy to emit some kind of dust or smoke that gives Anon a nice buzz.
Incidentally, I notice that you refer to the creature in the bong as a "breeze." From the context of the passage and the description you give of it I'm assuming this is a creature like pic related. Technically, these things are called "breezies" (singular would be "breezy"), and while it's clear enough what you're talking about, you may want to correct this.
Anyway, it's a little difficult to get a picture of what's going on in the very early part of this story, but we do get some clues as to what we're going to be reading. As I mentioned, the story seems to revolve around Anon, or at least a humanoid character with green skin and black hair. An early reference to an Overmare suggests that this is probably set in the FoE universe. Later on, a character named LittlePip is referenced, which seems to confirm this. Descriptions of the setting also make this clear.
Slowly, the picture becomes clearer. After taking a hit off of his breezy-bong, Anon turns his attention to a phoenix and a cockatrice, who appear to be his pets or his servitors. They are named Huginn and Muninn, presumably after Odin's ravens. Though it's a little unclear at the beginning where all of this is taking place (I was initially envisioning this scene taking place in Anon's living room, since he appears comfortable and it's mentioned that one of the birds is sitting on a pillow), it's gradually revealed that Anon and his pets are in a dark alley.
Anon peers forward at a skyscraper, protected by a curtain wall with guard towers set at intervals. He observes guards in the towers, and sends his cockatrice, Muninn, to dispatch them by turning them to stone.>A while later, the other tower next to Dark Bark's was occupied by a zebra mare with scare across her face, got a call for her over the radio.
This is unclear for several reasons. First off, I'm assuming that a "zebra mare with scare across her face" was a typo, and you meant to say that she had a scar across her face. However, owing to ESL issues again, I also considered the possibility that you meant to say that she had a frightened expression on her face. Whichever it is, you should make sure to correct this wording so the meaning is clear. Second, the time frame in which this is happening is a bit murky. How soon is "a while later?" Are we talking seconds, minutes, hours? I'm assuming that the cockatrice disabled the guards, and then a short time later this zebra, who is presumably their captain or supervisor, came to check on them. We need to have a clearer idea of how much time elapses between one event and the other. Third, the phrase "got a call for her over the radio" is ambiguous. Who exactly was the call for? I'm assuming it was the zebra, as Dark Bark is referred to as a stallion, but you may want to consider rewording this.
Anyway, there is a brief conversation between the zebra and whoever she is communicating with on the radio, in which she mentions that Dark Bark (the stallion guard) is unusually still. She goes to take a closer look at him and realizes he has been turned to stone, but by the time she realizes this, it appears to be too late. She encounters a pair of yellow eyes, presumably the cockatrice again, and is turned to stone herself. The scene ends with a page break.
At this point, Muninn returns to Anon, who puts a blindfold over its eyes. He now sends Huginn, the phoenix, off on some yet-unexplained task, carrying some kind of glowing metal ball in its claws. Meanwhile, Anon begins to screw with some kind of bizarre rifle, that also projects a hologram, with a map or something on it...uh...this part is pretty unclear. You obviously have a specific image in your head that you're attempting to describe, but I really can't picture what this rifle is supposed to look like, nor can I follow what exactly Anon is trying to do with it.
Huginn, meanwhile, flies over the unguarded wall. A group of stallions have exited the skyscraper, presumably alerted by the zebra's distress call on the radio. They don't seem to notice Huginn flying overhead, which seems odd since he is a phoenix (which glow, as I seem to recall), and he is carrying an obtrusive, light-emitting ball in his claws. As far as I can tell, the ball is some kind of scanning device, that records the positions of the guards and sends the data back to Anon's hologram-rifle.
Using the data from Huginn's scanning ball, Anon is able to lock onto one of the guards. He fires his weird rifle, which blasts some kind of super-powered laser beam through the wall and hits the guard dead-on.>Killing him by the fact that the beam didn't all land in one place and more traveled across his body, causing his body to be sliced apart through erosion.
Once again, it's clear that you have a very specific image in your mind of what is happening, but you're struggling to describe it, and clarity suffers. "Erosion" in any case is completely the wrong word to use here; it refers to the slow process of stone or earth formations being whittled down by the elements, such as the carving of a riverbed. I get the impression that whatever is happening to this guard is happening pretty much instantaneously, whereas "erosion" implies a very slow and gradual process.
Anyway, Anon dispatches the remaining guards using the same process, and his bird flies into the building. He makes his way rather easily to the top of a staircase, owing to the fact that Anon is able to lock onto and destroy any guards that attempt to stop him. Meanwhile, on the top floor, a changeling guard is observing all of this (presumably with some kind of radar or surveillance system, although this is not really made clear). He recognizes Anon's weapon as a "thaumoniator."
He takes a shotgun, goes out into the corridor, and blasts Huginn as soon as he appears. This destroys both the phoenix (who I'm assuming will just be born again somewhere), and the scanner (which I'm assuming is permanently destroyed). Anon seems to regard this as a minor setback at most. The scene ends in a page break.
The next scene appears to begin a short time later. The changeling guard is now ordering a defensive perimeter to be set up around the building, but is concerned that it is taking far too long.>But it was taking time, too much time. Too much had happened already at this point that he didn't even remotely believe in normal delays.
You best start believing in normal delays; you're in one.
Anyway, the changeling appears to be heading downstairs to check on his guards, when he encounters the cockatrice. It's unclear where exactly this meeting takes place.>He couldn't do anything except what was right in front of him, which was a half-hen, half-lizard creature staring at him.
I'm assuming you intended to word this differently; otherwise, this is potentially the weirdest clopfic ever written.
The perspective now switches to Anon, who has entered the building. The opposition appears to have been dealt with in one way or another. He comes across the changeling stallion, who has been turned to stone. Apparently, despite being stone, he is still conscious.>The changeling also so how the rifle that man had on his back stuck up into view over his shoulder.
The stallion takes note of Anon's thaumoniator, but being stone, he can do little else. I'm still a little curious what the hell a thaumoniator is exactly; initially I assumed it was a reference to something from Fallout or maybe another similar game, but nothing comes up when I google it and I've never come across this word before.>”Think, Mcfly. Think,” and then he proceeded to wape breeze dust again before leaving.
This actually ties into some of what I was saying about external references in an earlier post in my review thread (see >>304126 →
and >>304306 →
and probably some other related posts that I'm too lazy to go back and look up by number). The line that Anon speaks here is, of course, a reference to Back to the Future
, which has no direct connection to either MLP or Fallout. One might be tempted to declare this an illegal reference for that reason; however, in this case one would be wrong. Though we don't know the Anon character's origin in this story, if we assume that he has the typical Anon backstory (regular guy from our world gets transported to Equestria somehow), then the character would most likely be familiar with that movie and its dialogue. Thus, it's a perfectly legitimate use of an external pop culture reference.
I bring this up because it conveniently relates to something I was just dealing with in Fallout: Equestria
. In one scene, Littlepip makes a reference to a line of dialogue from MLP: "It was under 'E'!" In the show, this line was spoken by Pinkie Pie while the group was searching for a particular book. Superficially one might think that a reference to a line from MLP would be more relevant in an MLP story than a line from Back to the Future
, but in this case it isn't. Though the Marty McFly line is referencing something completely outside the universe of the story, there's a plausible explanation for why this Anon character might know the line. Conversely, even though Pinkie Pie was a character who once existed in LP's universe, and the "under 'E'" line would be a quote of something she actually said, there is no valid in-world reason for Littlepip to have heard this quote or to know what it means, and thus no reason for her to reference it. I'm going a bit off the rails here so I don't want to stay on this topic for too long, but here you've provided a very nice example of something I was literally just talking about, so I felt it was worth pointing out. There is a based way and a cringe way to do pop culture references, and I'm happy to inform you that your reference here is of the former variety.
One more thing about this line before moving on:>he proceeded to wape breeze dust again before leaving.
I'm assuming you meant to say "vape" here. "Wape" is what happened to Bugs Bunny after he teased Elmer Fudd in trap getup one too many times.
Anyway, after making fun of the "stoned" guard while taking another breezy bong-rip, he searches the skyscraper until he finds a cluster of prison cells in the basement. He calls out that he is looking for a specific prisoner, and will free the others if they tell him where she is.
>>304357>The prisoner didn't seem to grasp what was happening and was therefore silent.
Earlier you mention multiple prisoners (plural), but here you refer to "the prisoner" (singular) as if there were only one. This makes things a bit confusing.
Anyway, it turns out that Anon is searching for a filly named Cookiehead Junior.>”I'm here to bring her back to her parents. They hired me for the quiet the sum.”
I'm assuming this should say "they hired me for quite the sum."
There is some murmuring among the prisoners, and then one of them speaks up. Unsurprisingly, it turns out to be the filly that Anon is searching for. He asks her if she would be interested in taking a hit from the breezy bong, which does not much appeal to her. A cookie, however, turns out to be more her style. At this moment, the phoenix reemerges as a baby in a plastic bag that Anon is carrying. I'm not sure if the text actually mentions somewhere that he was carrying a bag; if not you may want to fix this.
Anon informs the filly that her parents have sent him to rescue her, and asks her if she would like to pet his baby phoenix. She accepts, and the story ends.
Alright, so here is my reaction. As is typical with Sven-fiction, I find myself divided. On the one hand, this is a very nicely constructed story, and I enjoyed what I understood of it. On the other hand, your English is as atrocious as ever, to the point where this is damn near impossible to read.
I'll go ahead and make a comparison between your writing and kkat's, partly because I'm currently reading his story and partly because your story is set in his universe, so it invites the comparison. I've presently read about 200,000 words of Fallout: Equestria, and kkat still has not gotten to anything resembling a point. Despite its length and complexity, there is no coherent underlying plot; events happen, and then more events happen, and it just keeps going and going like that.
Conversely, this story clocks in at a mere 3,192 words, and yet it manages to tell a complete story from start to finish. We have a character, Anon, who for some reason is attempting to infiltrate a building. He clearly has some experience doing things like this, and manages to blast his way inside fairly effortlessly. By the end, we learn why he was doing this: he had been hired to find a filly, who for some reason is one of a large number of prisoners locked up in the basement. By the end of the story, all of our significant questions are answered: we know who this mysterious green man is (Anon), and we know why he is attacking this building (he needed to rescue the filly). He completes his objective, and all necessary loose ends are tied up. Even the issue of the phoenix, who is apparently sacrificed in battle, is resolved: at the end of the story, he is reborn. Nothing is out of balance at the end of this story, and it ends on a satisfying note.
At the same time, there are unexplained details that the reader is probably curious about should you wish to continue the story: why is the filly in prison? Who hired Anon? How did Anon get here? How did he manage to acquire this advance weaponry, and train a cockatrice, and so forth? What was this skyscraper, who were the creatures that were guarding it, what's the deal with this setting, etc etc? The story resolves itself well enough to work as a piece of standalone fiction, but at the same time there is enough material here that you could expand this into a longer work if you wanted to.
Another thing that struck me about this is that Anon is a surprisingly complex character. This is particularly impressive due to the short length of the work, the fact that Anon has few spoken lines, the fact that the story is mostly action-driven, and the fact that your prose is incoherent to the point of being nearly unreadable.
Anon in this work is an intriguing guy. He seamlessly blends stealth tactics with insane blowing-shit-up-as-loudly-as-possible tactics, and for all the death and chaos he deals out here he seems pretty relaxed and easygoing about everything he does. He is morally complex: on the one hand, he kills or petrifies nearly everyone in this skyscraper and seems pretty cavalier about doing it. On the other hand, he shows kindness to the filly, and seems to have a good rapport with his animal companions. Taming a phoenix and a cockatrice would be both dangerous and time consuming, and would likely be impossible were he unable to make the animals trust him. He is basically a natural anarchist: he seems to view good and evil as interchangeable, and that's assuming he even thinks in those terms at all. Though he slaughtered his enemies pretty ruthlessly, he doesn't try to justify it and he doesn't take any sadistic pleasure in it either; he simply had a job to do, the guards were in his way, and he dealt with them. His ultimate goal proved noble enough to make him likable, even if some people might regard his methods as a little over the top.
For contrast, consider how kkat's Littlepip might have handled this situation. We'd probably get several paragraphs of inner monologue from her denouncing the skyscraper guards as irredeemable monsters who deserve to die, followed by several paragraphs of her relishing bathing in their blood as she slaughters them in the most gory and inhumane way possible. After that, there would be a lot of angsty, "oh the horror" type whining over all the brutal killing she just did, followed by crying and tenderness at learning that the filly was indeed safe. Kkat tries so hard to make readers like his protagonist, yet he mostly succeeds in making her even more obnoxious and Mary Sue-like. Conversely, your Anon is just naturally likable, and it feels like he wouldn't even give a shit if you told him that. He doesn't question his actions, he just acts. If you want to write a likable edgelord hero, this is how you go about doing it.
Anyway, my overall reaction to this is basically the same as my reaction to other things you've written. You clearly have a natural knack for how to construct and tell a story; the biggest problem is that your English sucks
. Kkat, for comparison, tends to have the opposite problem: he has enough basic mastery of language to write well, he just has no idea what to write about.
Of these two problems, yours is the better to have. If you could nail down the language well enough to write prose at about the level kkat does, you could easily write circles around him; conversely, if kkat's grammar was like yours, it would transform his shit story into a nigh unreadable shit story.
You clearly know what you want to say with your writing, you just struggle to actually say it. Unfortunately though, this is a fairly large disadvantage, as there is a limited pool of readers who are willing to slog their way through this much sludgy language just to find a diamond in the rough at the center. This is part of the reason I would recommend you read more the other part being that I just generally think people should try to read more
. The more English prose you absorb, the more you'll begin to pick up the subtle nuances of language, which will greatly enhance your ability to bring your ideas to life.
The alternative would be to partner with an editor on some level, who could go over the story and clarify/streamline the aspects that are 'less fluent/native' english.
This is actually very good advice. You may want to consider this, although the downside is that most editors charge, so unless you can expect to make money with your writing it may not be practical.
I've barely written anything since early highschool. I used to to a lot of horror, romance and fantasy stories in my free time. Was a half-decent decent artist too, although it was all on paper.
It feels like I've lost all my motivation to restart what used to be my biggest hobby. Does anybody have some advice for what a rusty faggot like me can do to respark my creativity? I feel like I need to learn to write all over again.
Most professional editors charge, that's true. However, I can think of at least one thinktank that even might appeal to, given the often sedentary nature of its participants
How do you subtly insert redpills into your story without making the entire setting revolve around shoving them into the audience's face?
I'm working on one story that revolves around shoving redpills into the audience's face, and an action-comedy "shonen anime-ish" kind of comic that should be more subtle about it.
I would advise modelling character flaws or enemy archetypes after modern-day problems or making them a disguised metaphor. For example, a story's antagonists behaving more like Jews rather than an "Evil Empire" would work, such as the aliens from "They Live!," the Bloats from Zoombinis, or the Phezzan Dominion from "Legends of the Galactic Heroes," though to my knowledge none are intentionally modeled after Jews. Other idea consists of pitiable characters who mutilate themselves to be something they can never be (even if gender is never mentioned), pressured to do so from childhood trauma or social influence; obviously these are based on trannies.
If one city had winged animal-people who were guilted into chopping their own wings off, thinking it would stop them from being bullied by their inferior ground-bound animal-people peers, while some ground-bound idiots wore fake wings or stitched fake wings onto their body thinking it could make them fly, would that be too on-the-nose?
For this Political Ponerology has some clear defined motives. Defence against the psychopath is handy as well. If it's a broad rule that always works it can be anywhere in almost any form.
(((They))) always make their own worst enemy due to their nature. They will do almost anything for their ideology (it is what keeps normal people at bay).
They are always in an us vs them situation.
The red pill is applied truth. As a statistical guideline there is almost always exceptions and there is a reason why stereotypes exist.
The type of Whatever Industry says a lot about the society, but WHO has that and Why is something to consider as well.>>304587
How serious is the story?
>>304587Darn it, I was going to use that idea in my story
That's one of many things I'm struggling to decide.
While cleaning I found an ancient script I wrote for a RWBY knockoff before I turned 16. A lot of it is derivative uncreative shit but some unique ideas are worth remaking the project as a 97% original thing with what I currently know about writing and politics and worldbuilding.
When I initially wrote this I planned to just rip off the only nine shows I'd ever seen to make something completely uninspired aside from cool original fight scenes.
I even planned on ripping off "Aura" from RWBY. In RWBY everyone important has "Aura", a fighting game health bar. It's an invisible forcefield that comes from their soul and absorbs incoming damage so people can get stabbed/slashed many times in a fight without shedding a single drop of blood or taking any visible damage, until you run out of aura from all those stabs/slashes, then you're in danger. It's basically Ki from DBZ except you can't train to improve it or fire beams made of it. Unless your Semblance (One superpower per person, consumes Aura when used, typically something simple like Super Speed or Shadow Clones, most people lack superpowers) is to fire beams.
But rewatching DBZ Kai made me realize the Saiyan Saga's fights (People get injured and tired, injuries matter, by the end of it everyone's exhausted) feel cooler than the later fights where heroes fight invincible regenerating brick walls until their attacks are allowed to finish the baddie for good. That "struggling against overwhelmingly invincible foes" bit was only cool when Trunks fought the Androids.
So maybe I won't put Aura in this story. Or maybe I'll make it more like Kill La Kill's "rule of cool" armour so people can still get injured and bleed in fights while losing more blood than a human body could possibly have. Haven't decided yet.
anyway here's what I've got for the setting so far:
In a hellish fantasy world full of big monsters (nature is bad) there are small city-states full of people but no organized government because the monsters make travel immensely dangerous. Most people are fearful sheep or cogs in someone's machine but there are cool strong individuals with big weapons and unique superpowers(you get your superpower by being an individual with willpower instead of a sheep/cog) who go out and fight monsters in cool fight scenes.
Many city-states are high-tax authoritarian shitholes that suck so much that some people willingly risk death by starting new homes and towns on the frontier (closer to nature, nature is bad) to be farmers and town guards, even though frontier towns aren't as well-defended as major towns.
The hero was a military police guy for one city-state that drafts its kids to indoctrinate them, but whenever he was given orders he didn't like such as "Hurt innocents" he made sure the innocents got away. Also he ploughed many sluts in his spare time and his goal in life was to fuck one of every fuckable sentient humanoid species but he becomes a morally good person who loves monogamy once the story starts. Not sure why, maybe he meets the right woman and gets in a proper relationship with her.
He is on a quest that means he fights monsters while travelling the world to visit assorted city-states (while solving their problems or the problems of people in them) so he can gather a number of Important Things (Dragon Balls or Pokemon Gym Badges or Chaos Emeralds or something like that) because gathering them will save the world from some looming disaster somehow. The "Team Rocket" (evil organization) of this setting is jews and commies who try to subvert host nations and are behind everything bad that ever happened ever.
I've been thinking of adding an illegal made-up drug that makes you black, stupid, and aggressive until it wears off but that seemed too on-the-nose.
oh yeah also
the hero is white and his religion is correct but worshipping that god is illegal in most city-states
the good god made the Important Things
and the existence of the Important Things is a secret thanks to the jews trying to hide them because they save the world and the jews want to conquer the world
Read the lore of this, maybe you can get inspiration: https://lfwb.ru/index.php?title=EN
is it right to make up a fictional religion for the good guys to follow? I figured if they followed a real one like Christianity fans wouldn't be willing to give it a shot unless they already liked Christianity. But if they follow the holy Flodismadfer The Kindness And Sun God in a world where the baddies follow Shnii The War And Rape God the normies won't have a pre-programmed overemotional reaction to it.
I'd advise respecting your audience. If you wish to convey a message, dont infantilize it; your contempt for people who dont see things along the same lines is palpable, and is inappropriate for an author who wants their audience to enjoy their media. Dont lecture to people, and dont assume 'they'll get it, otherwise fuck them'.
In short, there is no simple solution, or easy fix.
If you want to make quality media, make quality media. There are no shortcuts or quick fixes,.
>>304603>is it right to make up a fictional religion for the good guys to follow?
Yes.>normies won't have a pre-programmed overemotional reaction to it
Yes, I think disguising things, or messages, so they cannot just be dismissed by their cover through stigmatization is the way to go.>>304376
Thank you so much for your input. It was really helpful to me.I haven't check your thread since I posted there, I will stand by my vow. I hope that you didn't interpret my quips at reviewing as something against you. I was mostly talking about myself and some of my persepctive. However, never ger me wrong. You're great and impressive and inspirational in what you do in your thread. It just isn't for me.
I hope to show you something greater next time senpai.>>304490>thinktank
Thank you for the input. I think I'll hold off on having an editor until I have improved a lot and write a bit more too.
I thought I would have proofread this but didn't end up happening. The time I should have spent proofreading this story was spent on another but it that proofreading was never finished so I posted this sotry instead, iirc. >>304488
Well, I got an idea but since I have failed every commitment ever, we're going to keep that in mind.
How about I start a scene off right now and you just continue it. I'm not ready to go for another write-chain considering how the last one ended. with me bailing out, like the first one. But I guess I shouldn't beat myself up so hard and instead see them as minor setbacks insteadof doomsday failures but whatever
Okay, so if you feel up for it, continue this story post with one of your own.
The sounds of wooden chairs scraping and the chatter of customers filled Becky's pub this morning. Rays of sun light fell down through the windows in the ceiling and onto the many tables beneath.
"Hey, Becky! Another round over here!" shouted a green bipedal and gestured with its hand on an empty ale mug.
The white and brown hippogriff behind the bar nodded so her few brown feathers making up her cock's comb on her otherwise white head bounced. She unscrewed a cork from a bottle of Emerald's Whisker's whiskey and poured the green beverage into two ale mugs so foam rose to their edges and slided down the sides.
The hippogriff raised her head up and looked towards the table with the green woman with beautiful raven hair sat.
"Anon, is it just you and Easy Weather? Or does Snappy want some more as well?" Becky, the hippogriff, asked.
At the green human woman's side sat a red pegasus with and orange mane. She was wearing black leather jacket and sunglasses and her orange mane was a jagged mohawk (or whatever they are called in american) that looked like an orange bolt of lightning from the side. Next to her sat, perched in its seat, an brown eagle easily the size of a pony and just a bit smaller (unless, one includes wingspan because then the eagle would be bigger) than Anon herself. The eagle was currently picking up fish out of a small bucket and then shallowing them whole.
The red pegasus peeked over the edge of the bucket. She saw the bottom and there were only a few fishes left. She glanced at the eagle.
She smiled before she even began to speak, "Snappy, would you like some more?"
The eagle immedieately began to nuzzle the pegasus neck causing her to burst out in a fits of giggles.
"Haha, okay. Okay. Okay. I'll give you some more, just stop hehe." The mare lightly and playfully pushed the eagle away with her hooves while she laughed as if she just been tickled. The eagle seemed satified. The pegasus waved a hoof towards Becky and nodded. "Another bucket would be great."
Becky had smiled at the display and when she got the green light, she dissapeared to a room in the back and later returned with bucket of fish on her back. She brought it and tray (held in her beck) with the two mugs of green whiskey I just realized. Mugs of whiskey. Either its super weak or Anon will be walking funny.
and the bucket of fish on her back.
Becky had barely put the bucket down before Snappy dug into it. Easy tossed Becky some spiral shells and the hippogriff return to work behind the bar.
That's when it happened. The door to the pub opened and in stepped a unicorn dressed in a green cloak with trail of fabric dragging after on the floor. Behind her, in the air, floating was a red eye as big as a head with a socket that flailed around eight tentacles with red and straight spikes at their ends. Smal jolts of electricity skipped between the tentacles.
Anon, who was just taking a swig of her whiskey, stopped drinking and wiped of the green liquid around her lips with the back of her hand.
"Ara ara," she said and smirked as the newcomer.
Easy inhaled and looked at the the unicorn with a serious look.
"Yes," she said. "She is finally here."
I drag my tongue across Fluttershy's yellow cheeks. She is so fucking tasty! Fluttershy is the best pony clearly. I know I'm lonely in having this opinion but as the old swedish saying goes, "Ten-thousend flies can't be wrong, shit taste nice."
I just wanted
fuck hug her. Sadly, that will never be the case, even though I'm here in Equestria with her next to me.
"Goodboy Anon, now sit," Fluttershy says.
I sigh inwardly and and put my furry green butt on the floor. That's right, I'm dog Anon and you just punked by a narrative trick foo!
I just realized that I like Flutterhy better than Pinkie.
>>304776>implying Fluttershy doesn't fuck dogs
TOP KEK :^)
Fuck you, you disgusting degenerate. That's beastiality.
https://ponepaste.org/1661>>304775 →>>304720 →
Figured this might be appropriate here.
When in doubt and you want to continue do one of five things.
Get someone else
Post it/Publish/Finish it
I'm still writing that not-RWBY thing (clever name pending) but I need some advice
Everywhere I look in the old planning documents, I see something meant to appeal to the low-brow animufag I was back then and other low-brow animufags like who I was.
I've read a ton of books since then so now I know about worldbuilding and characters and stuff. I've also had the displeasure of working in a building full of women at one point in my life so I know how much ass it and women suck.
Anyway, the horny parts of this setting...
It's a world of mostly women so men are rare and usually get harems, everyone's got animal ears+tail (but are not full-on furries because that's gay), although I might add lamias and centaurs and other monster girls anyway because they're hot, females have stronger magic than men because they have extra magic is stored in the tits and that's why the best wizards have big ones, the hero guy has shagged a ton of babes before he gets the main quest that gives him something to do besides women and his soldier-cop job(which he should get fired from somehow), the hero's female co-workers are idealized fictional women (well they were all supposed to be cool but a few turned out obnoxious. can't decide if I should keep them in the series to make them suck on purpose or replace them with better characters), there's a female-only ethnostate full of idealized amazoness "dom in the streets, but effortlessly turned into a blushing mess of a sub in the streets and sheets" babes and the hero's the first guy allowed there in a thousand years so he shags a ton of bitches while he's there, and did I mention the handsome protagonist fucks a lot? Offscreen, because it's not full-on porn. Just an excuse to do sex jokes and fanservice now and then.
How am I supposed to make this good?
How can I say "housewives are good" in a setting where women are able to outfight men and the world needs fighters to protect it from giant monster attacks?
How can I say "Diversity is bad" when the hero's team is technically multiracial? (they're all white but everyone's a different species and from different countries)
How am I supposed to hide redpills like "Good wives are good, feminists are trash" and "fuck antifa" and "fuck jews" and "immigration doesn't solve problems, it makes them worse" and "fuck monarchy" and "governments use diversity against their citizenry" and "fuck communism" and "freedom is good" and "gun rights are good" and "evil religions are evil" and "abortion is bad" and "police states are bad" in a setting like this initially designed by a horny teenager who just wanted to draw big-tittied babes with giant swords?
On one hand, this is supposed to be a fantasy action-adventure story. And action stories usually only work when everything's so simple all the problems can be solved with violence. The real world's deep political stuff and even any religious stuff might be too complex for the average shonen's target audience of action junkies who want to see the good guy beat up the bad guy to save the universe from destruction. What good is a political message that reaches nobody because it's hidden in something that screams "generic anime"?
On the other hand, horny shows like Interspecies Reviewers and Redo Of Healer are really popular right now. Maybe I don't need to tone the sex down, maybe I need to tone it up and depict it as a bad thing. Shagging strangers at bars could be portrayed as a vice of the hero's even though he (at first) thinks it makes him cool. And few things annoy the feminists more than good horny character designs. And when most shonen anime protagonists are short bootleg-Goku prettyboys with no idea what sex is and little desire for it, making the hero a non-virgin makes him stand out, right?
When I first designed this I threw in every idea I could think of and the world ended up an unfocused mess. I knew nothing of characters and themes back then, I just wanted to do sick fight scenes of my own. Now I want themes like "freedom is good" and "only baddies want to disarm you" and "fuck all of the enemies that want me dead and my people destroyed" in this setting but I don't know how to get that serious stuff to work with the kiddy shonen-anime shite so cheesy you can almost hear the mid-00s butt-rock when you look at it.
Yeah, a summery might be a bit helpful.
Anyway TLDR>How am I supposed to make this good?
By writing a good story.>>304982
Who is this story for?
You can not hide Red pills. Truth can't be hidden at most it is simply there yet unnoticed.
Worlds that aren't like ours apply stuff differently. It is a fundamental part. To do otherwise is to break everything up with disfunction.
The more different that world is to our own only the more broad applications might apply. The more similar is one aspect the truth is the same.
All considerations have to be done. There is a finesse and depth to truth that can be explored with the question why. Truth has parts that stem back to the furthest it can go.<Putting everything in might not be possible unless that's the whole gimmick even then it MUST be done right.>What good is a political message that reaches nobody because it's hidden in something that screams "generic anime"?
Because it exists.
Your line of thinking is too direct. You know who's going to find that? People that care.> I don't know how to get that serious stuff to work with the kiddy shonen-anime shite so cheesy you can almost hear the mid-00s butt-rock when you look at it.
What makes those uncompatible?
You need to expand your mind. How you think.
Why things happen there is multiple almost uncountable reasons why. For all of that it can be shown and infered and pulled out.
If you want to write a story write it.
Why isn't it possible? What are you thinking for this project? Do you have the depth and breadth of experience? If not where can you get it? (Other forms of media do count, Simulations count, Imagined shit counts[can be further or closer to being true or not])
Remeber there are all sorts of people, and certain types of people congregate in certain places due to desires and wants.
A lot of care and consideration has to be done.>How can I say "Diversity is bad" when the hero's team is technically multiracial?
Is everyone the problem? Is the hero team part of the issue or the 'lucky' few ignorant of it?>The real world's deep political stuff and even any religious stuff might be too complex for the average shonen's target audience of action junkies who want to see the good guy beat up the bad guy to save the universe from destruction.
Why the fuck would it be too complex?>When I first designed this I threw in every idea I could think of and the world ended up an unfocused mess.
What is the story supposed to be about? The heart of your story, just one sentence to capture everything THIS STORY is about.
Why do you want to toss in themes?
What is my story supposed to be about? I'm not sure, and I'm the one who wrote it.
I grew up watching a ton of anime but back when I was a young teenager inspired by RWBY (before Monty Oum died and the series got shit) I uncreatively threw together what I thought of as "cool anime stuff" and anything I considered cool at the time to create a setting full of cute chicks and then I added power-fantasy "The hero is a hot anime dude who shags a ton of bitches and has more superpowers than he's supposed to also they're the best ones" bullshit. So the hero guy kills giant monsters with his giant sword and giant guns and bangs catgirls with his giant dick while his harem of potential wives gush over how awesome he is whenever they aren't doing unfunny rom-com scenes or fanservice scenes or doing cool anime fight scene shit themselves. The hero's bucket list doesn't say "Go skydiving" and "read every classic novel", the hero's bucket list is a Monster Manual full of every species he wants to fuck one of. Also the hero's given an epic quest to save the world while travelling around it so he does that and eventually becomes its overpowered god by gathering the chaos emeralds before Bootleg Team Rocket can. I know I should throw out that last part, because one character becoming god would make sequels and spinoffs impossible. A hero just isn't cool if everything special about him comes from a few magic rocks instead of the result of a lifetime of training and effort, right?
When I try to figure out what this confused mess is supposed to be...
I guess it's just supposed to be an excuse for cool fight scenes in a futuristic fantasy world, and a horny teen's fantasy about being the most important dude who saves it while fucking over 90 hot anime girls.
That's what it was supposed to be then. But now, I want it to be good.
I'm glad I was too lazy to finalize and upload the trainwreck this series would have been back then if it was finished. I'm kind of tempted to do that public self-flagellation some youtubers do where they expose art/fanfics they made at age 9 and cringe at it, as if children are expected to be pro artists/writers from day one. But I also don't want to give away major details that would compromise OpSec and let people figure out who I am.
There are a ton of characters in the old story who are just ripped off from things I liked, and female characters who are just copies of characters I was attracted to at the time. I've remixed them and rewritten them, changed their appearances, given them different story roles and better backstories that make them more unique and interesting characters. Some were combined, some were deleted, some were turned into the opposite of what they were, some were turned into deconstructions and reconstructions of what they initially represented. I'm really proud of what I did with this one chick I can't say anything about.
On one hand, there are some original ideas in this story that deserve to see the light of day despite the derivative crap surrounding them. I want my story to make the world a better place. I feel like I need to try and hide redpills that might help audience members see the truth about the world. Even if it doesn't magically reshape the world overnight, I want to try. Maybe I don't need to put all the redpills in this thing, just some important ones.
But at the same time, modern media tropes rely on anti-truth. The anti-truth that a woman with a few self-defense classes under her belt could defeat a whole room of buff male professional fighters. The anti-truth that men and women are equally capable of being heroes. The anti-truth that a secret government organization that hides magical bullshit from the common folk would be good people instead of tyrants warring on the populace to control them from the shadows. The anti-truth that how good a life a nation provides for its people depends on how good a person its king/queen is and that a dying nation's bad times can be ended instantly by helping the secret prince/princess take the throne after killing the current pretender. The anti-truth that a tiny woman could lift and swing a massive magic sword and defeat giant monsters so large their bones would realistically crumble under the weight of their own flesh if they existed in a setting with realistic physics. The anti-truth that it's okay to be gay or slutty or both. The anti-truth that a character is cool if he fucks a ton of women. The anti-truth that there's something wrong with loving and wanting to protect your own race and fuck exclusively within your own race. The anti-truth that a diverse team is better than a team of the same race, and that a diverse team of the best swordsman and the best gunman and the best dancer and the best singer and the best mechanic and so on would naturally occur if you traveled the world while picking up one new DND party member for each location you visit on the fantasy world map.
No More Heroes dedicates a lot of time to making the hero Travis look like a loser/idiot and making his hyper violent world look shit. I was thinking something like that would be great. Could make the hero someone who thinks he's awesome but isn't, and part of his Hero's Journey is going from an annoying little shit to an older and more mature genuine hero.
And really, it would suck to live in a setting like RWBY. It's a world full of humans and humans with animal ears/tails plus an endlessly respawning pure evil race of monsters called The Grimm. Basically Heartless from Kingdom Hearts or Hollows from Bleach. If you aren't born with a shitton of Aura (videogame healthbar forcefield thing) and a good superpower you're a helpless civilian in a world where kids with a lot of aura go to Combat Schools to learn to make cool combo-weapon sword-guns and fight monsters until they graduate and typically inevitably die to monsters on a battlefield somewhere.
What if the renamed but still-evil Jews created The Heartless in this setting?
The redpill is to see the world as it is, rather than what others tell you it is; it is to work with nature toward the betterment of your people, not work against her. You can praise your people's virtues and condemn your people's vices all you like, but if they are not the natural virtue and vice of the peoples about whom you write, it is not a true redpill.
Environment impacts genetics, genetics impact behavior, behavior impacts the environment. Who are the peoples? How did they develop? How do these peoples interface with the environment? Have there been significant changes to the environment that genetics haven't adapted to yet "The industrial revolution and its consequences..."
Why are there more women than men? What impact would a smaller male breeding pool have on genetics? To what extent is inbreeding a cause for concern? Who gets to have sex? How do individuals who are structurally unlikely to reproduce behave? >Rape?
How precious of a resource is the male breeding population? How does that impact how males are treated and what threats they might be exposed to?
Why would a female be able to out-compete a male in combat? Would a capable female and male fighter be effective in combat for the same reasons? In what ways are the sexes different? How debilitating is menstruation and pregnancy? How does this impact gender roles? How does this impact what traits are selected for when individuals choose mates?
What do these people's societies value? What are their priorities? How do these societies allocate resources? What threats do they face? What do their hierarchies look like? Do the elites act in or against the interest of the common people? What are commonly held opinions of the elites held by the common people? How do the elites perceive the common people? How are conflicts within a society resolved? Does this vary based on class?These questions are rhetorical, I'm not actually looking for an answer.
This sort of seems like bad advice to me.
I get the idea of posing questions for your setting and plot and then answer them. I do, however, think this sort of thing will just overwhelm you.
You don't have to answer all of the questions in your setting, because fucking hell man, no offence
, just focus on the important ones and accept imperfection.
I have lately found that a better place to start with your story is to start with the characters in the world. The character are what's gong to act upon everything and it is through them intresting things like morality and other stuff can be explored.
But also to focus on just doing thing with the things you establish. I recently watched RWBY all the way though to season 7 episode 2. I think it is a good show. Sad about the lesbianism in the sixth season though.
Meant to post to you as well.
Oh god, I didn't mean to imply that was a starting place. The intended message was more "don't try to push messages/themes into a setting that doesn't support it."
Ah, it's fine. Sorry, I misunderstood.
This is good, keep the questions coming. I need to figure all this shit out if I'm going to make the setting make sense for a story that's supposed to be more than "The world's the way it is because it seemed cool at the time, The Heartless is constantly attacking humanity so sick fights can happen anywhere, the planet's mostly full of idealized magical warrior women because at the time I thought they were sexy and my OC should bone most of them"
I was thinking the ever-present threat of The Grimm in the wilds would result in pockets of well-defended civilization that have little contact with or trade with one another outside of heavily armed Caravans. So one city can be a shithole under the rule of a shitty king and the people there are forced to stay in this city because outside its walls are literal monsters and in the black market people sell their organs and sell each other into slavery to get money to afford a ticket out of here and into a safer place. Another city can be a constitutional republic where everyone owns firearms and defends themselves from monsters and criminals and it's great. Another city can be some other thing. I'm starting to really like the idea of making one designated "amazoness stone-age paradise zone" that starts off like a fetishy fantasy but is revealed to be a totalitarian shithole because women are dumb and overemotional and religiously keeping men as breeding stock means they can't maintain a civilized society and invent the good shit that got societies out of the stone age.
I remember tons of reviewers complaining that The Grimm don't affect RWBY's world enough.
When they weren't complaining about how the heroes don't get enough screentime that isn't wasted since so much time gets taken up by Jaune (audience-surrogate bootleg-Sokka without his charm who's nonsensically put in charge of 3 one-note characters with a boring team dynamic. Seriously who is Pyrrha to Nora and Ren? How well do Ren and Pyrrha get along? Pyrrha wastes so much time pining for the world's dullest self-insert and praising him like a mom we never see any side of her personality outside of volume 3 besides boring love interest and teacher and "cool girl's sad about being on a pedestal" EVEN THOUGH SHE USES HER SECRET SEMBLANCE TO CHEAT TO STAY THERE AND SHE'S AT A SCHOOL FULL OF PRODIGIES LIKE RUBY. WHO WAS PYRRHA TO RUBY/WEISS? What would Blake say to Pyrrha about fame and muh racisms if they ever spoke? We'll never know because the writers wasted potentially-interesting character ideas) and Ozpin/Oscar (bootleg Avatar without the coolness and he can summon Avatar Roku on command to exposit/fight for him and they'll gradually merge anyway meaning no awesome re-learning of the elements).
The story (at first) happens in big cities away from the Grimm-infested wilds, but Ruby's nice cabin in the woods wasn't in any more danger than a street corner in Beacon. It makes no sense for people to be racist towards the Faunus (bad emotions attract grimm) and it makes no sense for the Faunus to stay in areas where they are supposedly discriminated against when they have their own tropical-paradise ethnostate. They say their ethnostate is crowded (guess they really do fuck like bunnies, someone give them condoms or tell them to legalize horse bestiality) but it wasn't as crowded as the massive warehouses full of racist anti-human White Fang terrorists who booed Torchwick for being human and were completely on board (heh heh, board. heh heh train. train humor) with his "use a train full of dust to blow a hole in the town's defenses and let Grimm in to kill everyone" plan. The Faunus say they helped humanity in a war and "were promised equality but didn't get it" as if that somehow justifies their bullshit. How the fuck does any of this make sense? Equality isn't something you can just be given like a sandwich. Equality under the law is a thing but if 80% of a race acts like scumbags (Count every named good faunus character. they won't outnumber the warehouses full of genocidal terrorists on human soil) should humans be forced at gunpoint to treat these animals better than they treat people? should humans be forced at gunpoint to roll over when meritocracy dies and people lose their jobs to make room for underqualified divershitty hires? Hell, even after Beacon falls, the "waycism" bullshit still doesn't stop.
The world already has the perfect villain: The Grimm. Nature only evil. A neverending stream of monsters to kill. A pure evil monster race working for a retarded evil monster queen and her cackling evil lackeys. Why overcomplicate things with this racism subplot the authors don't know what to do with? It's impossible to tell if the authors are bluepilled cucks who suck at making their side look good or secretly based geniuses who memorized every single terrorist attack the nigs ever did in the name of their own "equality".
The Grimm are supposedly attracted to negative emotions, so you'd think the world would be full of fake sunshine-and-rainbows bullshit with mandatory happiness where criminals are either medicated into fake happiness or executed so their misery won't attract Grimm. Season 3's tournament arc that ends in disaster and invasion was there because Naruto did that first, but realistically why would a world facing threats like this put fighters on TV in direct combat where anyone can lose?
When Yang was mindfucked into breaking Mercury's leg, the audience's big sadness attracted Grimm.
But wouldn't each tournament match your country doesn't win cause a similar (if less severe) shockwave?
Must be tough to fight on TV in front of millions. Must be tougher knowing that if you disappoint or piss off your country the negative emotions could attract the Grimm in those nations to populated areas.
Wouldn't it make more sense for them to televise Olympics where there are technically no losers, or something cute like a dog show?
I don't want my worldbuilding to suck like RWBY's
I don't think RWBY's worldbuilding sucks. There is a difference between something, great, functional, and bad. While Rwby's worldbuilding isn't great or perfect, it doesn't suck.
I think that this is an important distinction to make.
Just look at the worldbuilding, story, and characters for the show and count their merits. You will see that it actually got a lot of it.
But on the topic of your world and story. I think you should focus on... perhaps the plot first. Since that is even closer to what happens in the first place. Events lead to other events which if you want to you can derive a moral from.
In one of GG's latest post in his FE review thread, he talked about how one should, in hiw view, be able to summarize a story in a few sentences, or rather, in my view he talked about the plot.
Without reading into the underlaying things of themes and character archs what happens in your story. Can you summon up what happens in the story in a few sentence. Like, don't explain why but what happens.
I don't hate RWBY's functional worldbuilding, like how there are four kingdoms because the author says so and they take design inspiration from different IRL cultures because Avatar did that and it makes them visually distinct. I can appreciate when a worldbuilding element is just there to answer a logical question with an incredibly short and good enough answer.
It's the stuff that seems poorly thought out that bugs me like how the fact that bad emotions attract grimm doesn't reshape the world around it as humans take that into consideration. I've seen fanfics that try to flesh this out one nation's full of casual nudist sex maniacs and another nation's full of stuffy stuck-up military dudes who think showing emotion is shameful and made feelings illegal but in a world like this why is Beacon ordinary? Where's its "Hat" so to speak, to use the Planet Of Hats meme?
The plot of my story... For the longest time it didn't have one. I never got around to that. Trying to get every kingdom to give him their Plot Coupon so he can cash them in to save the world somehow seems cliche but it's become a cliche because it's such a great trope. I guess the hero needs some kind of reason to justify him travelling around the world to look at the locations I worked on and think "man some of these places suck thabks to political views I disagree with" and do sidequests there before getting on with the main quest. Something needs to push him out of his comfort zone, otherwise he'd just remain a loser in a city he hates. In a world where travel is risky most people wouldn't just travel for fun unless they could afford guards or kill any monster they expected to run into. Something needs to drive the story forwards and it would just be weird if the hero graduated from being a drafted military guy and had a mid life crisis at 20 trying to figure out what to do with his life while wandering from place to place. I know I want the hero to kill a lot of baddies but any plot's better than the shit I wrote initially. Giving the hero one of nine Plot Coupons at the end of every major story arc helps make the story feel rewarding and give things a sense of forward momentum, right? But what could those plot coupons be? Magic gemstones that summon a diety when gathered? Keys to a door the baddies want to open because it would destroy the universe? Shards of a shattered alien magic superweapon from the time of ancient super-advanced precursors before humanity nuked itself back into the stone ages to redo civilization on a planet full of monsters of their own creation? Travelling to specific places to learn a set of skills like Bending or travelling to temples around the world like how Yuna had to collect the Aeons? Or maybe a cultural thing like the Pokemon Badges where the badges don't really have any inherent power but you need to fight the region's best fighters to get the complete set before you can face the region's real best fighters and then you're number one.
>>305177>no LGBT characters is listed as a flaw
Why are you posting such cringe? This is much better: https://youtu.be/GkOlhFhpGIk
I haven't watched RWBY but it's clear that it's an awful show that is incompetently made, so one shouldn't expect anything better from its worldbuilding, either.
>>305202>no LGBT characters is listed as a flaw
No, I listed that there is
LGBT characters in the show as a flaw.>I haven't watched RWBY but it's clear that it's an awful show
No, it's not clear, however, that sort of thinking is bad. Don't trust analysts and reviewers to make your opinion of show for you. Watch some of it and come to your own conclusions, or don't. It's all up to you.
For me, there was a lot to like.
I have watched the video now.
He doesn't even prove his points and he has a very dismissive commentary. As in, he literally goes, "Nothing happens in season 4." Yet, he is objectively wrong just as he is when he states that, "The video (for the show) is aweful," and, "Nobody uses dust in the series."
Also, just because you can point to a character's core concept and say that that concept has been used before doesn't mean, that character or the show at large is bad. It depends on how it plays out.
He made some okay points but they were few.
Bottom line is that, RWBY has flaws but this video was unfair and didn't provide support for it's claims.
But whatever, say are you currently writing on something yourself?
EZ PZ is discount E;R, don't take everything he says too seriously but he brings up valid complaints imo.>But whatever, say are you currently writing on something yourself?
Yes, I am >>302817
but my project is on a short-term hiatus until I take care of personal matters.
>>305218>my project is on a short-term hiatus until I take care of personal matters.
Okay, that makes sense. Btw, was it you had plans on making a story about a military Anon pairing up with Rainbow Dash and then joining some diamond dogs because they couldn't stop loving war or something (sorry, if I misremember). Is that the project you are currently working on?
No, mine is very different. I'll elucidate later.
Can you list any valid complaints he made?>>305217
Normies are used to seeing gay characters as something normal and they're programmed with such a knee-jerk reaction to "homophobia" that the accusation of it is an attack. Is it worth trying to do a "Don't be gay" message or should I just stick to "These big political ideas are shit and they made these cities shit"?
Faggotry might have opened the doors to worse perversions but the average normie only has a chance of seeing anything wrong with the newest perversions the left's trying to normalize. I should probably stick to depicting those new perversions as bad things and gloss over gay people or say "Good gay people are based and love white people for giving them rights they'd never get in the third world, bad gays are pedophiles and perverts and cowardly bullies who harass innocents and demand special treatment and irrationally loathe straight people while hiding behind their sexuality when criticized for anything".>everyone
Speaking of fantasy-races like the Faunus from RWBY, I've been thinking about shows with animal-people like Zootopia, Monster Musume, and A Centaur's Life, and how they handled their fantasy-races+topics like racism/worldbuilding/how different animals fit into society.
In A Centaur's Life you can get arrested for riding a Centaur. Even if the Centaur consents, it's legally a Hate Crime(TM). Centaurs have even saved unconscious people by putting them on their backs and carrying them to hospitals, only for the person they carried to get arrested despite the hero's protests.
Also TV shows for kids say bullshit about the necessity of electoral systems that keep majorities from having absolute power since some races breed more than others or something. That's weird. I haven't finished the show so I don't know it it goes further.
Zootopia doesn't try to pretend a Bunny can just instantly pass obstacle courses meant for bigger animals by believing in herself hard enough.
It doesn't try to pretend a bunny girl can effortlessly flip a rhino man more than four times her weight so hard he passes out, it admits she'd need to jump around and bounce off boxing ropes for the momentum before she could hurt him.
It doesn't try to pretend racism begins and ends at "The baddies are evil and oppress the helpless good guys but a little bit of protesting or revealing Our Truth to everyone or a lot of violence magically fixes everything overnight".
This show inspired men who'd normally never speak up to say shit online like "Seeing that scene where the big predator was just there on public transportation but the tiny prey animals were scared of him even though he did nothing wrong reminded me of all the times women reacted like that to seeing a man like me".
Zootopia says racism affects everyone in different ways but good people who rise above this can make a positive difference in the world.
I wouldn't give it a medal, but it's closer to reality than most "special victims good, white-coded villains bad" shows and it really pissed off the left because this story about fictional animal racism and prejudice wasn't used as an excuse to push their myths on the subject.
In Monster Musume, monster girls aren't allowed to harm humans. Not even in self-defense. So the cops have the murder-happy police unit made of monster girls led by a human woman - the group's called M.O.N. - to handle any "Orcs took hostages in a manga store full of OrcXHuman porn" problems. These problems are usually handled with bloodshed.
And human gangs sometimes molest monster girls who can't legally fight back without getting arrested. But it's a fantasy so single human men can punch out entire rape gangs when your spider-waifu isn't there to harmlessly web them up to keep them from raping.
The show admits people are different depending on their race and species, and while it tends to romanticize that for the sake of the fantasy that you could apply to the govt to get your own perfect homestay monster girl waifu with superpowers and weird animal parts, your house would need to be reshaped to suit her physical needs/mobility challenges. It's a fantasy so the government handles the costs of making your house huge enough for giant centaur ass and giving it a home gym for your dog-girl waifu and giving it an indoor swimming pool for your mermaid wife.
There's one guy who says he's making a documentary but he really wants to make a video of the Harpy waifu giving birth to eggs since freaks love that.
Having a dog IRL isn't easy, there are challenges. And some dogs can be too challenging even though dog-romanticizing media downplays this and downplays the challenges that come with having a woman with its "Any dog can be good if loved enough and no women are bad!" bullshit.
But this show admits it: You'd constantly face challenges where her animal nature makes her act weird, but they're idealized challenges that result in sexual scenarios or fanservice cliches most of the time instead of "Your dog-wife chased after a car and died in a traffic accident" or "Your shark waifu bit someone's head off for calling you a loser so she's getting arrested and you're getting fined for not preventing this like the adult human should" or "the random woman your thirsty slimegirl waifu groped into nutting in public is suing for sexual harassment" or "Your spider girl webbed up and killed and ate your landlord because she thought it would make a nice anniversary gift".
There's also the "It's not legal for humans and monster-girls to fuck, except after a while the author decides it's fine as long as they get married first" thing. I didn't like that. This show initially had an excuse for the human guy to not want to bone his hot monster girls, but this just means he could choose one, and nothing's stopping him from getting laid besides his inability to choose best girl from his harem. "The guy can't choose" is a more common harem-anime plot than "The guy legally can't plough any of them".
>>305234>Can you list any valid complaints he made?
I honestly couldn't care less about that show, so if I must concede so be it. If you think whatever he said is bad is actually good so be it, I won't stop you.>I should probably stick to depicting those new perversions as bad things and gloss over gay people
It really depends on a variety of factors. Firstly, how skilled you are in wrapping the topic in analogy. If you never mention a sensitive topic to the point it misses more bluepilled (read:hopeless and angerable) readers, but build an analogy well enough that a significant number question their held views, you've succeeded. It's harder than it sounds, though.
Secondly, how strongly you want to handle a topic. This depends on your target audience but also on how direct your messaging is. Directness should be inversely proportional to depth of topic. You could probably handle criticizing sacred cows if allusion is vague, but if it's on-the-nose you'll attract vitriol. On the other hand/hoof, you can get away with a light veil if you're criticizing a more current/fierce controversy, like trannies competing in women's sports, though this is more purple-pilled.
Thirdly, scope of your redpill. Scope should likewise be inversely proportional to how direct you are. If you're writing redpills about every problem modern society faces and want the audience to know it, you might as well write a manifesto. You can get away with a broad redpill by writing a traditional/based society where modern social issues simply don't exist (think Middle Earth) and presenting it as a more attractive place than our own. However, if you're taking aim at a problem in particular then it's probably best to focus on just one and make sure it enhances the story, not just the other way around. Really competent writers can get away with several separate redpills without detracting from the story, but it's clearly not easy.
Fourthly, the nature of your story. If you have to take the story on a tangent to explain why some particular evil is a problem, then that's a sign you need to revisit something. It should all flow together.
Writing is an art, not a science, and I'm not some great writer, but I think these guidelines would help. Try to avoid over-reaching and going on an author's rant; people instinctively know when a message is forced and it's unpleasant even if you agree with it.>Zootopia
That's a good example. It's not a really "based and redpilled" movie but neither is it cringy. Positive messages can be taken from it such as a distrust in government manufacturing/using a panic to keep people divided. No doubt at the time the writers intended the carnivores to be interpreted more like black people (though even this raises the questions of deepset psychological differences between carnivores and herbivores, and how crime statistics may line up with this) but these days the treatment of whites is so similar to the movie's plot one could see it as prescient. No doubt that's a reason progs hate it, because its viewpoint is that of centrists and centrists are racism enablers in their eyes.>Monster Musume
Not familiar with it, but I'm pretty sure it's a hentai. That's an interesting setup whereby monster girls are essentially second-class citizens in an intelligent fashion rather than a "I'm racist so I give arbitrary restrictions muahahaha" strawman. Monster girls are clearly sapient but lack self-control and fully rational behavior so they're somewhere between animals and humans.
I don't want to win an argument about the show, I want to know what you liked about the video so I'll have more RWBY-related stuff to think about.
Thanks for the advice, I'll keep that in mind.
I like how in A Centaur's Life humanity doesn't exist and the assorted races evolved to be humanish just because.
Plus there are schools where the coridoors have enough water for mermaids to get around and this world's idea of a mobility aid for a mermaid is a robotic horse prosthesis.
I was thinking about how The Maidens in RWBY are four secret superpowered people who, when dying, pass the superpowers on to a random girl somewhere around the world. Cinder's figured out how to steal those powers.
1. why are these 4 secret?
2. how are they kept secret when they're so obviously abnormal?
3. what makes magic "all that" when semblances can do anything magic can do? sure one wizard can cast 8 different spells but 8 people with semblances that replicate the effects of those spells can do anything he can?
4. how do hereditary semblances function if semblances are supposed to be extensions of your personality/influences on your personality/neither?
5. how is "we didn't want people going after these girls for their power" a good excuse for hiding the existence of the four big-deal super-people? how can so many people want their power and know how to get it?
6. why does Penny have a random scene with Jaune and die for fucking Winter just to pass her powers on to Winter when Ruby's the one who needs them more and would get better emotional scenes?
Wouldn't it make The Maidens terrible and greedy people if they chose to retire and get old and get looked after in care homes instead of dying on the battlefield like good little magic warriors for the sake of everyone's safety?
nothing makes individual Maidens special beyond what they inherit and the sooner they die, the sooner their powers can be inherited by the next generation. It would make sense for a thirty-something Maiden to try and stay alive to fight another day since dying means giving that power to a newborn baby who won't be able to use her godlike powers to crush Grimm until she's at least 10ish but this right here is just bullshit. An old Boomer cunt who hoards the world-saving magical power and refuses to do her job yet also refuses to pass it on or pass on...
The story had the perfect setup to create the embodiment of everything Cinder seems to hate right now (they'll rewrite and retcon her next season probably) but nothing deep ever happens between these two characters. Hell, it's almost a smart critique of Avatar's reincarnation system, since in a setting where age is real and 80-somethings/200-somethings can't outfight armies solo, an old tired useless avatar just takes up room and prolongs the rise of a newer better one able to use the power he or she's born with for the good of all.
But for real, I don't want my story to turn out shit like RWBY.
I hate how the "Gods and Ozpin/Oscar" stuff detract from the story.
Tite Kubo's Bleach has everything revolve around Aizen and Ichigo to the point where he's why everything happened, but it's so Ichigo can still fight the final boss. It's not what he signed up for but Ichigo still drives the plot. Ichigo's still the hero guy.
Avatar Aang is forced to fight the Fire Nation in the present because he ran from them in the past just as his predecessor Roku ran away from admitting Sozin's crazy and needs to go down. He can meaningfully overcome the flaws that hinder him and he beats the final boss using energybending (asspull spirit deus ex machina) to respect his no-kill airbending teachings (clever and deep). honestly if they foreshadowed energybending in Won She Tong's spirit library for about 5 seconds before moving on with the Solar Eclipse shit it would have been perfect.
Team RWBY isn't meaningfully involved in any of the lore.
First the gods can't revive ozpin even though Salem wants him back because "muh balance" but then like two minutes later the gods revive him anyway and say "humanity's shit and we need you to solve the problems we created and reunite humanity" and they curse him with reincarnation (just to be arbitrarily different from her immortality) but Salem was able to unite all of humanity (at the time) against the Gods.
You'd think Ozpin would become the head of a religious institution with members in all four nations to try and bring people together but no, Ozpin rules one of four nations instead and does little to bring them together.
It kind of reminds me of how the black guy in Panty and Stocking was sent back in time and forced to live through everything. Except these gods did everything wrong and with no moral lesson in mind. And humanity's supposed to earn their respect to get its magic back, when magic was such a great thing for fighting the Grimm? "There were two brothers and the good god was good and the bad god was bad" is already a shit religion but they find a way to make it worse. Even ripping off Adam And Eve so Salem is Eve the bitch who ate the apple of darkness to bring darkness into the world in the form of Grimm (but because Eve's evil and selfish she'd rather kill everyone and rule a Grimm-filled world alone than share it with humans) would have worked better. Ozpin's reincarnation is a bootleg Avatar without anything that made him unique and cleverly designed.
I kept thinking the writers were making the gods shit on purpose so Ruby could summon the Gods after gathering all 4 Relics/Maidens and say "FUCK YOU, GODS! KEEP YOUR MAGIC, TAKE OUR SEMBLANCES AWAY IF YOU WANT, BUT TAKE YOUR MISTAKES LIKE GRIMM AND SALEM AND OZPIN WITH YOU!"
You know, kind of like that scene with Ed and Truth from
Fullmetal Alchemist and willingly giving up your magic to get your brother back. Except in this case Ruby the "simpler soul", the small sweet innocent little puppy dog, makes history as the first RWBY character to say fuck and spits in the face of the gods who failed
Hell, maybe it would be cool if I took my take on RWBY's maidens and made them a part of my story, so the hero can say "Fuck you, maidens" when it's all revealed to the hero that dumb rulers who thought they were doing the right thing decided to hoard the four Maidens away "To save them for when they're needed the most, because it would really fucking suck if a day came when we really needed all 4 maidens but their powers were currently stored within toddlers unable to fight" instead of letting them fight the Grimm and bandits on battlefields of their choice until they die and pass the powers on. The totalitarian governors could also have an ulterior motive: These four Maidens said yes to doing nothing and waiting for "the right time" but if they die and pass their powers on, more rebellious spirits might get these powers and prove harder to control, maybe even decide these governors need to be crushed and replaced.
And maybe instead of saying what I don't want my story to be like I should say what I want for this story.
I want this story to have-
Hang on a second, The Maidens only exist because Ozpin passed on his magical powers to those four, delegating his powers to them without passing on his will (uniting humanity to impress the gods and defeating Salem) and letting countless women get death sentences from birth as Maidens, inheritors of Ozpin's magic but not his true mission. God, everything about RWBY's worse than it's supposed to be. Don't get me started on the Faunus or we'll be here all year.
Anyway I want this story to have awesome fight scenes but I've already written a ton of those. I want this story to have hot characters so I've already made most of them.
I really love how balls-to-the-wall insane Guilty Gear can be. This kind of wild creativity... That's the kind of spirit I want for my setting. Everything's extreme. Everything's turned up to 11. Everything's metal as fuck. There's an evil god and it's well-written.
Btw, I was thinking... What if women were artificially promoted regardless of merit in this setting because society didn't want men in the workforce, and instead wanted stay-at-home husbands helping their harems pump out kids year-round to make up for the losses incurred by the perpetual motion machine grinding away at humanity known as The GrimmHeartlessHollows?
Men could still travel to try and grow their harems but governments would prefer men stay at home and apply for govt-assigned girlfriends so the govt can manipulate mankind's genes because they don't want strong people to be born in the lower class where they might decide the government sucks.
The idea that a government would institute anti-meritocratic hiring policies to affect birthrate and desire to control the reproduction of its people... It makes sense for this setting. It makes sense that a world ruled by women that want to control men would think of it, especially if only men could inherit the AvatarMaiden power. It makes sense to say "fuck hiring vaginas over merit" here. The idea that workplace policies and government policies can affect birth rates is there. And it's turned on its head here so normies won't have an emotional reaction and scream "reeee you want a world of housewives instead of le beautiful stronk independent men!" even though "stronk" women still lust after bigger stronger richer men and feel entitled to them even if they have nothing good to offer them. It would also make the hero dude "stunning and brave" for trying to make it in a woman's world as a soldier without the powers of a Maiden.
I should really think of a better word for Maiden than what RWBY went with.
>>305250>I should really think of a better word for Maiden than what RWBY went with.>Better
What is this mindset? There was literally nothing wrong with the word maiden. It was functional at least.
But is focusing on the names really that important right now? Are you still planning to have four of them? And are they stilled bound to the concept of one for each season? Why do they exist in your world?
Can you describe your mc's personality to me or his core traits?
Actually, I take that back. Looking for something better doesn't mean that it is necessarily bad.
>>305250>awesome fight scenes but I've already written a ton of those
Yes, I'm sure your audience would totally agree that the fight scenes you've written are/were 'awesome'
Also, you write too much about RWBY in your posts, unnecessarily much, imo. There are examples in your text where you bring up the series without those tangents being related to discussing how to craft your own story. It's not a big deal but please try to talk about your story and the crafting of it first and foremost and then if you see reason to it, bring up RWBY for comparision.
A few of excerpts of your posts can be said to only talk about RWBY and not your own story. That's not what this thread is about.
Otherwise, it's fine.
Sooo... Are you currently writing something frien?>>305288
This isn't a big deal really. I don't want people to be afraid of posting things that might be a bit unrelated at times. My position is that yoiu don't need to think about it but, it can go too far. If it does, I see no reason why a discussion thread, even if it just becomes a short slider thread; wouldn't be a good idea to take the conversation to.
Of course. It affects different protags differently, but its effectively a coming of age, rising to the challenge, giving closure to the old generation type story. It takes place in different worlds, sequentially and sometimes simultaneously, including FoE, and a more traditional D&D fantasy setting.
>>305291>giving closure to the old generation type story
That sounds intresting. Care to elborate? It makes me think of some kind of mentor character who failed their task but their disciple finishes it for them kinda deal.
That's, not exactly right, but it's a close parallel.
Basically, in the previous installment (yes, there is a precursor) certain things that were intended to happen got sidelined and obstructed. While the overall adversity was effectively subverted, this set in motion a greater threat that took time to materialize, and the 'old guard' is insufficient to address the new challenges. Specifically, the old guard were notorious and easy to compromise due to their fame and activities. Think MLP season 6 finale in theme (OGs are out, time for the newfags to save the day).
I think I get it. Well, regardless you don't have to post it here if you're not comforatble with that but I also want to remind your that you're welcome to post an excerpt of your story here if you wish for anyone to read it.
I have been working on one scene and been thinking a lot on in which order I should present my information to the reader in my text. It is pony related and when I'm done, I'll post it here.
I also try to challenge myself more when I do stuff because think that when you view something as a challange, you're more motivated to finish the work than if it is just work. >>305250
I got an idea. There is this merit to RWBY which is about how their weapons have two modes, sometimes more (Wiess). I think that this is pretty creative. Is that something you will have for your characters weapons or will you go for something else when it comes to weaponry?
Oh, dont you worry, its gonna get posted
Good point I meant a word more fitting for the concept it becomes once I change things up to suit my setting.
We're told the four maidens have four seasons and four powers along with four words like choice and knowledge but what does that mean? If the genie of the lamp of knowledge answers any question does that mean the genie of the lamp of creation can make anything? Does the genie of choice get to let people make choices for others?
At first it seemed the Maidens just got weather power themed around their elements which would logically make them stronger than Glue Shoes McGee or Loud Nigra: Trumpet Edition. It fits within the world while still putting them above most semblances and potentially stacking this power on top of whatever your semblance is. But then they're pulling out multiple elements and having Pokemon Movie 1 ball battles and DBZ fights in the sky. Their powers blur together to make them less distinct from one another. In a world where everyone has Dust crystals with the powers of the elements and weapons that interact with these crystals and Semblances that can be any one superpower and interact with these crystals it just seems redundant to add yet more elemental stuff when this is supposed to be the last of Ozpin's magic split into four. Who would win if someone in an Ice Dust dress like Cinder's old fire dress, someone with an icebending semblance, someone with a gunsword loaded with ice dust, and the Winter Maiden fought? Whichever one the author arbitrarily decided has enough power level to make the others redundant and inferior.
I don't like the idea that the four bootleg avatars were given their powers by a fifth worse bootleg avatar, it all feels like some argument at the writer's room was won by Monty and after he died the writers retconned in the only takes on these ideas they wanted in their story. Suddenly the Maidens become glorified McGuffin keys for opening doors to four Plot Coupons that do stuff and everything connects back to the Ozpin and Salem stuff they said they thought of at the start. Surely if the heroes have to gather four things making them people the audience can care about is better than making them objects containing genies.
The name Maiden is kind of genius. They need to be saved from Salem and Team CMEN so they are the ancient fairy tale's typical maiden in need of rescue but at the same time they're superpowered badasses because RWBY wants everyone to be one of those. They were gifted with immense power but it's a curse that makes people want their power for themselves. Seems unrealistic that Ozpin's Illuminati could make the world forget them and would want to but whatever.
As for the RWBY references it's not that RWBY itself inspired my story directly. RWBY being made inspired me to try and make my own similarly derivative show from a set of concepts I liked or disliked and wanted to change up at the time. It's a different mix of ideas but when I think of "good ideas executed poorly resulting in snowballing cascading failures" I think of RWBY. Because the White Fang are pure evil Blake seems evil or dumb for ever getting involved with them and because she's forced into Yang's love interest it throws away the Sun and Blake buildup and messes with Yang's character (especially since she already met her mom and wasn't impressed. Life goal achieved) and because the authors say "the white fang's peaceful but fiery protests worked where boycots and peaceful protests didnt" at first fans of lefty violence get mad when the heroes eventually defeat the White Fang for being evil. >>305296
Yep, most weapons in my story get at least two modes because it suits a big theme I'm going for where there's more to everything than meets the eye. Especially characters that seem shallow and archetypical at first on purpose but then have depth revealed. When someone uses a weapon that's just one thing it's a sign that something unusual is going on.
I have two characters in my story that will meet for the first time. These two will be an important duo, for at least the first part of the story. What is your perspective? Should I have one scene for each to try ot establish who they are to build reader expectations, or should I have their introductory scenes in the story be the same as their first meeting, shortening the story but also putting the reader down from their bird's eye view perspective and into the shoes of the characters (unsure of who the other character is (or in the reader's case who both are) and their true intentions).
You don't have to share your perspective. It is highly likely that I have already decided upon something by the time you post your opinion but I appriciate your perspective nontheless.
Another idea about incorporating redpills is to simply portray ideologies that do not have any clear real-life counterpart. You can extol their virtues and criticize their failures without getting too dragged down into controversy. A good example is Warhammer 40k which has an unusually based fandom: no one denies that the Imperium is a pretty terrible place to live for the average person and its only redeeming quality is protecting humanity from being overrun. Yet it's undeniable that the Übermensch in the form of space marines, with their religious devotion and war against degeneracy, have had an overwhelmingly positive effect on culture. Leftists realize this and are scared by it, but any attempt at calling them or fans "Nazis" backfire precisely because it is a fantasy grim-dark world. You could go the other way by making a fake ideology that no one adheres to unironically yet is an extension of leftist values, then poking fun at it or portraying it as monstrous. Technically not a strawman because if you do this right the connection to real-life parties won't be obvious.
For an idea of wacky ideologies to use, combine some extreme values from this test: https://datguard.github.io/12wackies/
>Walk next to Purple Smart.
>In the everfree woodsen.
>Be searching for lost filly.
>Hoping she is okay.
>Well, Purple does at least.
>"She might have gone down here to aviod the bigger creatures of the forrest," Twilight said as you and her began to descend a narrow path.
>The path's slope was steep and it became narrow because of how the ground you previously had stood on rose up on either sides as mountain walls.
>The road slithered downwards without flattening out.
>The line above them that showed the blue dark dusk sky got thinner and thinner.
>That's when Twilight's horn lit up.
>She conjured up a pair of spheres of light that floated beside you.
>When the path lits up, you see murky and wet mountain walls.
>On the path you see... Something white right under your right shoe!
>You immediately take a step back and go down into a sort of defensive position.
>There, on the slope, in a pile, was a black spider with erect hairs.
>Two of it's legs are bent upwards along the one of the mountain walls.
>It's abdomen and body are of the same shape as a bowl or a deflated baloon.
>And, instead of eight black eyes, it has empty sockets.
>It's the molt of a giant tarantula.
>It's as long in it's body as you're tall.
>You look wide-eyed at it as you have frozen on the spot.
>Twilight glances sadly as you before turning her head forward.
>"I'm sorry, Anon. I should have told you but I really need your help down here but I know a lot of ponies have a problem with spiders. I guess, if you wanna turn back, I can't blame you," she says.
>She waits for your response for a bit.
I'll be back, probably.
Actually, I got bored. Let's start something new.
>Be Fair Star.
"Are your ziggas ready for action?"you ask and glanced behind you.
>A zebra with dreadlocks narrows her eyes at you.
>Or, you think that's what she does.
>Since her brown eyes are a bit obscured, it is hard to tell.
>Her mane cut is such that she has no dreadlocks along the backside of her neck and the either black or white dreadlock-bangs of her mane are combed forward into a fringe that covers her forehead like a curtain.
>"Blood Oasis, why don't you start judging each zebra on an individual basis?"
>You thrust your head upwards and let your eyebrows wiggle up and down.
>You let out a small chuckle.
"Ha! Even you refer to me as, 'Blood Oasis' and I'm suppose to pretend that I trust ziggas now?"you say and put your head to side in a mocking manner. You make a sweping gesture out off the edge of the roof to the ponies and zebras on the street below."I'm I suppose to believe that no of these ziggas wish to see me dead? I'm just waiting for an assassination attempt at this point."
>You look back at the zebra mare.
>A gust of wind causes the zebra's frigne to flutter to the side and reveal, clearly a pair of glaring eyes directed at you.
>Your grin grow at the sight.
>"They are not the only ones. Everytime I see you I hear war drums."
>>306189>Still be Fair Star.>Burnt into the skin of the zebra around her right eye, was the shape of a horseshoe.>You tap lightly with your right back hoof with the front of the golden horseshoe on it into the stone floor of the roof. >The zebra's eyes goes wide as she hears your horseshoe clink and your grin grow more defined. "So what now, Káhh? What will you do?" you asks in a sugar-sweet voice.>She glares at you for a while more then she sighs and shakes her head. >"Right now, we got another enemy to slay," she says while looking off into the distance but then she gives you a firm look. "But you will pay, one day.""Mmm." Red magical energies start to dance around your horn. >The scarf made from sewn together zebra is covered in a red cloud like matter of magic. >The red cloud undoes the tied scarf and rise it up into air between the two equines. >The zebra looks suprized. "Take this as a token of or new friendship," you say and levitate the scarf over to the zebra that takes it in her hoof. >She stare at one particular zebra cutie mark with a pained look. >With her other hoof, she caresses the mark on the scarf. >Even you can feel the pain and you look away but not without clenching your teeth while despratelöy trying to be angry.>After a moment, you speak up, "It was..." You can feel that you have drawn her eyes. "It was never personal. I only carry around her mark because she was the Elphant-tier Witchdoctor of the northern tribe. Nothing more."
Can I ask for a writing prompt, please? Want to write something but have zero ideas right now.
>>306531A bored unicorn filly discovers a small German submarene from WW2, still fully armed.
>Be Cosmic Well.
>Your sitting in a rowboat with two other fillies.
>Both of them earth-ponies.
>One holds a fishing rod out over the edge of your boat and the rod's thread travels down into the watery depths below.
>The other filly, a brown one with a black, disheveled mane, is currently biting on the hook to her fishing rod.
>She is trying to pierce one of the wriggling maggots in the small plastic box that lies on a board in the boat.
>You are currently reading a book, that you hold in your dark blue magic while sitting on the board in the boat closest to the boat's bow.
>You lower the book a bit and glance over it at the filly who is clearly forcing herself to get closer to those wriggling worms than she wants to.
>You higher one eyebrow and lower another, and then you shake your head.
>One of the worms is covered in a dark blue glow and starts to lift from the box.
>The brown filly's eyes go wide as saucers and as you levitate the worm closer to hook it, she jerks back.
>In doing so she rocks the boat making the other filly, who is yellow in her fur with an aqua blue mane, almost drop her rod overboard.
>The yellow filly spins around and gives the brown filly an annoyed look.
>"What are you doing?" she hisses in a quiet voice.
>The brown filly who seem to have finally realized what happened, points a hoof at you.
Will continue just showing I have started.
Have worked on it a bit today but will updated it in one final post.
Does anyponer have any advice on what to do if ambition is greater than talent, or perhaps how to deal with a perfectionistic tendency of sorts? I have all these ideas swimming around all the time, but as soon as they crystallize they shatter as the winding rivers of the Way push me onto different wavelengths. It feels as though if I don't walk a very fine line then it comes out as a jumbled, uneditable mess. Can't tell sometimes if it's because I'm hopelessly INTP and will be stuck in the world of theory forever. The answer seems to be staring me in the face but I can't just put myself out there for the sake of it. How does one garner faith in themself as a writer? How much planning does a couple thousand words' of a short story take? Can one write without limits? Can there be raging waters on the surface, and meditative themes underneath? What's it worth? Just how does one achieve the middle path?
Literally just keep writing. Don't correct your mistakes until you're finished, at which point you rewrite.
It works a bit better if you designate a point in the future where you correct every mistake at once, and just forge ahead until that point even if what you write is garbage.
Please pardon my autism.>>306734
Looks like I'm going to need to focus closer to what's in front of me, then. Problem being that I don't really know where I'm headed most of the time, that tends to be why I write about things in the first place.
Would you say it's like coding in that you have to have a clear idea of what you're doing beforehand so it doesn't end up like spaghetti? Really looking for something I can just follow my intuition on.
...which is why I probably haven't been writing all too much lately, because it seems to come when I'm not near a keyboard. I would say "damn you, inspiration," but that sounds like a foolish thing to do. So I won't do that.
Yo dude I've been there and the trick is to keep all chunks of coding as seperate as possible. Everything should function independently before it starts interacting with other shit.
It would be good to get a programming general like /dpt/ going on /cyb/ or /ub/.
>>306544 >"Cosmic made one of-"
the brown filly begins but is interupted by the yellow filly. >"Shhh! Don't scare the fish." She glares at the brown filly who lowers her gaze.>But she pulls it back up quickly and looks at you with a disappointed look. >"Why scare me?" She pouts.>You sigh. >You shake your head.>You close and put down your book.
," you say and emphasizes it by holding a hoof in the air. The yellow filly rolls her eyes when she hears your tone.
"Only tried to help you hook that worm." >"Would it kill you to give a, 'heads-up'?"
The yellow gives you a deadpanned expression.>You shut your eyes for a moment and then open them again.
"I didn't think
..." you say slowly and just as your about to continue the yellow filly breaks in. >"Yeah, we know.">The brown filly start to giggle at the comment which the yellow filly smirks at. >However, the filly soon stops herself. >She sents you an apologetic look. >You just roll your eyes and continue.
"...Wheel Barrel would be scared. Her face was already next to the worms," you say. >The yellow filly nods while Wheel Barrel draws circles on the board she sits on with her hoof. >"You should still have said something," Then the yellow filly turns to Wheel. "And why haven't you hooked one yet? It's not hard.">Wheel's brown eyes glance up at the yellow filly's teal ones.>And then she looks away.
"Because she doesn't wanna do it the earth-pony way,
~" you say in a singsong manner.>The yellow filly again directs an annoyed look your way. >"Why don't you magic"
--She forces her eyes wide open and start to wave her hooves in front of her in spooky
manner.-- "yourself to back to Canterlot then, you bonehead.">You can't help but chuckle and shake your head.
"Bu- But," you start as you grin and continue to shake your head. >But the yellow filly is no longer focusing on you. >Intead she turns towards Wheel. >With the front tips of her front hooves, she squeeze the hook tight between them. >"There's nothing wrong with the earth-pony way,"
she says and then gives you a look. "It's only wimpy unicorns that can't handle it that's the problem.">Then dives down with her head towards the box of worms, sucks up one halfway into her mouth, as if it was a straw of spagetti, and then rises back up again. >Wheel brings her hooves up to her mouth."Ugh,"
Wheel utters as her body jerks. >You lean back and give the yellow filly a oh-sweet-celestia-look.>The yellow filly gives you both an annoyed looked before shoving the metal hook through the worm with some finesse.>With the bait finished, she tosses the line overboard on the other side of the boat that her rod is in. Will get to the submarine soon.
a big part of a fic I'm writing is that the protag starts out a cunt but spending time with the mane six makes him a better person over time
but this is a side thing, he's not an ex-criminal specifically put with them to be rehabilitated. Just an asshole who initially wants to fuck them but gets to know them during the story and grows as a person.
how do I balance the character's assholery so it feels earned when he grows out of it, yet doesn't turn away readers or make them question why the mane six would ever put up with him?
I think there are many different ways of how a character can be an asshole. In general, I think that one has to write from what oneself thinks rather than anyone else. As in, if you write an asshole character who will later change, you are the one who should feel that the way this happened was earn, not anyone else. You cannot write to appeal to all readers but you can make it so that, you
yourself thinks that it was justified. So if someone complains that mc was redeemed too early then you can just argue for why it justified and if people disagree but you can clearly see they are wrong, then fuck 'em.
There's a good thread that is basically about the same subject, here: >>>/go/4045 → ;^P >>306733
I can related. I haven't solved my own problems with this so I don't know how much I can help. I think, you should just not give up because that's what I try to do.>pic justsomeponerpic
>>307213>I can related.
Well, it's nice to know I'm not the only one.>I haven't solved my own problems with this so I don't know how much I can help.
Good to see your stories around. Assuming the Sven in this thread and others is the same one I'm replying to now.>I think, you should just not give up because that's what I try to do.
Doubt I could if I tried. But I'd rather not test that theory.
I think there was another Sven who posted two stories both in the Anonfilly thread and at different times. Otherwise, I have been the only Sven during these four years that have posted stories on this site. >Doubt I could if I tried. But I'd rather not test that theory.>Smilingautismsupportsofttoyisforyou
Makes sense. My goal is to make my character incredibly deep. But now that his backstory isn't a trashy edgefest any more, does it make sense for him to be closed off from others? Would it make sense for him to need to learn how to smile genuinely and open up?
>>307244>But now that his backstory isn't a trashy edgefest any more,
Why and what did you change? Having a grim backstory for a character is not wrong in of itself? You shouldn't feel that you need to change something, unless you
think it is too edgy.>does it make sense for him to be closed off from others?
Maybe not. But at the same time, yes. Characters can be whatever we want them to be.
Backstories are usually not that intresting because they have already happened so there are no stakes because we as the audience know the outcome and other problems. They might be able to be good but generally, they are stories that explain something we already know.
Does it really justify your characters actions in the present just because he had some trauma in the past? Not really. At best, it excuses it but I think having a story with a character who just is
a certain way can be just as intresting.
Anyway, you can do whatever you want in the end. What I mean is that these sort of questions are way to general for me. A more extended advice for these questions would be hard to communicated without bringing in speculations of a potential ideas and writing examples. In short, I could end up writing stuff for you.
I'm not saying that's what you're after but I am saying you need to provide an concrete example for me to work with and help you with otherwise I will just be sputtering out ideas for story lines that come to mind from these questions.
Like, what kind of things does he do as an asshole? If knew that and how you intend to make him sympathetic, I could easier provide you with help. To the extent that I'm comfortable with. Nothing personal, kid, okayokay,I'llstopfornowbutjusstcouldn'tresistwhenitjustpresentsitselflikethat but this is afterall something I don't have to do either if I don't want to. I owe nobody anything in terms of my own creativity and neither does anyone else here. And I think it is important to for any Anon here to remember to not be, under any circumstances, be guilted into something they are not comfortable with.
I tried to think of a character in media that fits your bill but right now I couldn't think of one. But using already existing fictional characters, which are similar to the characters you are currently writing as minor molds, can probably be useful for a multitude of reasons, I think.
So, maybe if you use Dante, or whoever is in that that pic in your post, for a mold for your character if they are similar or perhaps someone more fitting. The point is that you consider the three points you struggle with: To which extent are they assholes? And, how are they redeemed? Why does it feel earned?
Yeah that's Dante from DMC5, he got old in that game since they wanted it to look HD. everything's mostly greyed-out except the visual effects like fire/lightning.
My OC concept is that he's an Apple Family unicorn who says "I want to be more than a farmer" and travels the world to study magic and fight baddies along the way. He suffered a lot during his travels and saw a lot of evil, making him closed-off and unable to let himself be vulnerable and open up to others. He uses jokes to hide the pain and keep others at arms length. Then he finds out he's dying, because he's gotten too magically powerful for his body to handle.
He goes to Ponyville because he wants to get Twilight to help him research a cure. But also doesn't want to just spring it on her out of the blue, he wants to make her care about him first so she'll try harder to cure him. But he grows as a person from exposure to the mane six. He and Twilight, they date and end up falling in love. In the end he gets to live, but then sacrifices himself to save the mane six. But he gets better because he's immortal now, having earned it so he can be with the immortal Twilight.
What I'm struggling with is that I'm not sure how much of an asshole he should be. In ponyville there aren't many reasons to be an asshole unless your life really sucks balls. I guess Twilight could get pissed at him for hiding his terminal case of dying for so long, since it increases the risk that he'd die before she cured him. But there are chapters where shit unrelated to the OC happens, like an episode where time stops or penguins attack or whatever and the heroes have to deal with that. I just don't know how to convincingly write a smug cunt who thinks he knows everything.
So character archetype.
One important sentence about the core of who he is.> I just don't know how to convincingly write a smug cunt who thinks he knows everything.
A 'smart' smug cunt or a stupid smug cunt or a smug cunt who is right?>In ponyville there aren't many reasons to be an asshole unless your life really sucks balls.
Some pones are dicks just because. Various episodes ect. My point is irrelevant for this.Have you had a bad day where you want to say something to that one person for whatever the reason because it's been pissing you off. The cycle starts there but being a massive dick can happen and propagates.
ponerogenesis.>making him closed-off and unable to let himself be vulnerable and open up to others. He uses jokes to hide the pain and keep others at arms length.
But why does he do any of that? Yes the answer is pride, but why? The real deep down reason.>I'm not sure how much of an asshole he should be.>he wants to make her care about him first so she'll try harder to cure him.
...>He goes to Ponyville because he wants to get Twilight to help him research a cure>smug cunt
...>Twilight could get pissed at him for hiding his terminal case
Twilight should be pissed that he's a manipulative asshole who also made the town worse off and is pissing on all the background poners for his own amusement to numb the pain.>he finds out he's dying, because he's gotten too magically powerful for his body to handle.
Okay but does he want to live, be a smug cunt, or go out in a blaze of glory.
Not that it matters but this is obviously Silver Star. I never thought your intentions were to have the story be a redemption arch to being with. I don't know if that's what you intended from the begining but to me it always felt as something that you felt forced to pretend to protect yourself from certain accusations. I remember that there were Anons who said that because you didn't understand why this character was an asshole, it meant that you yourself was one. >He goes to Ponyville because he wants to get Twilight to help him research a cure.
This is inspired from those threads, I have a great memory. Not a problem but just wanted to explain how I know that things have change.
This is why you struggle to find flaws in Silver Star or rather how to make him an asshole because he is an idealist version of you. It's fine with self-insert characters, I have written some.
But if this was a redemption arch to begin with, it shouldn't be hard to figure out what the flaw with Silver Star is that creates conflict with him and Twilight, but it was never intended to be that. That is what I believe anyway.
Regardless, of what I believe though, I want you to write after what you desire to write. You don't have to write a redemption story. You can just write an adventure story. Twilight and Silver don't have to fight. They can get along. Give them stuff that makes them bond and you're done.
You are not an asshole because something you wrote has bad implications. It's fiction. It's fine. While it is true that we can't always compartmentalize things, it's also true that writing that you killed someone is a completely different thing from actually killing someone, for example.
My advice, would be to just write the same story as you once did but look into what specifically made people react to it negatively. After having looked at your feedback, you think to yourself, "Do I agree or do I disagree?"
You don't have to please anyone here. Hell, give me the finger but if someone like Glimglam asks you what you were thinking with a scene in the future, you go, "This and this and this."
The point is that you should seek out why you think your own scenes work and if you're satisfied you can much easier defend them.
I intentionally gave the character personality flaws but there were moments where I accidentally made him a cunt outside of designated cunt moments. Moments that were supposed to make him appealing or cool or humanize him or establish good bonds with other characters didn't work right and ended up shit. I'm not a cunt (it's why I gave my character intentional personality flaws so he'd be less like me and a more interesting character as a result) but I suck at writing despite practicing it in my free time for a handful of years now. I should be a master at this by now, right? I think I've pretty much mastered animation, at least. And I haven't done that for as long.>>307262
He tells himself he wants to look cool and that's why he doesn't pour his tragic backstory out to ponies but deep down he avoids opening up to others because he doesn't see much point in talking for hours about how he feels when most ponies would have no idea what to say in response. He also doesn't want to burden them unnecessarily.
For smug cunt scenes... I was thinking of making him a reductive cynic who eventually gets over that after being wrong enough times.
Initially his motivation is "I want to live! There are so many books I haven't read yet and new foods I haven't experienced yet!" but once he grows his motivation is "I don't want to die and leave Twilight alone. But if I have to sacrifice myself to go out in a blaze of glory and look cool doing it, I will".
I've noticed I have a bad habit of saying "What if I do this? Do you see anything wrong with that? Do you not like that? Is that okay? What should I do?" instead of "What do you think the pros and cons of doing this are? What are my options? What could I choose to do?". It's stupid and I'll stop doing it.
I've been thinking about my "original animu with disguised political messaging" idea, since it can be awesome+smart to attract new viewers and contain subtle redpills.
But it seems the more every fantasy world diverges from reality, the less applicable any message or moral in fantasy-land is to reality.
There are shows able to have positive messages despite their fantasy-land settings like Avatar, and stories that squander their potential for positive messages in the name of selling fantasies.
As a teenager I knew people who got into martial arts and fitness specifically because Avatar and Kung Fu Panda made it look awesome. Many Swordtubers I watch were inspired by old movies. A Power Rangers reviewer I watch said "Seeing Mighty Morphin Power Rangers as a kid got me into martial arts".
Wired men in spandex kicking fursuiters and magic talking pandas and tai chi actually being worth a damn are purely fantasy elements. But they make martial arts look cool. And that sticks out compared to all the media where some people are simply Special(TM) and given success while some are not. Some were born in the correct easy world perfect for them and some needed magic to teleport them there.
Sometimes a piece of media contains both at once. In Avatar you're either an Avatar or you're not, but at the same time any bender and even any non-bender can be important and a hero.
Some people finish a Superman comic wishing he was real, and some finish a Superman comic wanting to be heroic like him in any way they can.
What are you more likely to encounter online? A normal anime fan who says "Watching Naruto inspired me to get fit like Rock Lee" or a fat anime fan who says "Man, I wish I was born in Naruto-land with all the best superpowers. I'd be amazing and fuck all the bitches and life would be easy"?
While Persona 5 pretends to be pro-rebellion its main story quest is an authoritarian's wet dream where god randomly gives you and your designated wannabe-light-yagami rival superpowers then turns random people absurdly evil and the populace ignorant+helpless so the fantasy of brainwashing a serial rapist high school gym coach, a murderous art plagarizer, a yakuza boss who's loan-sharking many people including schoolchildren, the CEO of mean burger corp about to sell his daughter like a used car to a cartoonishly bad rich guy so he can be a part of the political world, and a mean politician into confessing all their sins before you spontaneously gain the people's support and face the evil god who orchestrated everything bad ever and shoot him on Christmas. You never had a choice in the matter unless your chance to fail at surviving the circumstances forced upon you and restart at a checkpoint counts, free will was always a lie, almost every realistic attempt to resist/prevent corruption and abuse from those above you fails or makes life worse for you and others, all so the game can pretend shooting God on Christmas is a triumphant moment that perfectly wraps up this clusterfuck of a story.
But fuck all of that for a second.
Fuck the writing choices. Looking at the basics...
The very mechanics of how this fantasy functions (Humans when entering this world's parallel magical world named The Metaverse with the aid of someone with a special phone app, an app that places itself on the protagonist's phone out of the blue and reappears whenever he deletes it, can use toy swords/toy guns to fight monsters made of bad thoughts in the public consciousness. And also enter people's brains aka Palaces aka deviantart Magical Realms and brainwash them by beating their evil form in a fight and then taking the most important item from their brain-world) are too abstract from reality.
Nobody could accomplish this in reality.
Hell, even how P5 treats reality sucks. Getting fitter in reality by spending a day at the gym, getting smarter by spending a night reading, getting closer to your friends by spending time with them, all of these things are exclusively done for the benefits they'll magically provide when you go to magic-land and your training means you have more HP or that time spent hanging out with your friends and solving their personal problems with magic makes them Critical Hit more often. Except when the self-improvement benefits real-world stats that arbitrarily block progress in most "spend time with your friends" questlines. Everything comes back to benefit the impossibility of fantasy-land.
Compare this to Pokemon, anyone can own a Pokemon and you don't have to be a chosen one. You train your Pokemon to be better fighters and become a better decision-maker for them. Individual episodes can still have morals appropriate for kid's shows.
I've been thinking about how my story diverges from reality.
It's got made-up continents and a made-up history with elements copied from reality (catgirl germany did nothing wrong despite what the Goblin bankers and the Orcs they import say about the Nyazis), people have Aura from RWBY but men have more because they're stronger mentally+physically even though it's locked away by psychological restrictions imposed on men by intentionally-shit animal-hunting schools+military academies, respawning monsters prey upon humanity in dangerous zones that trap humans in isolated settlements while making "Hunter of monsters who takes their elemental pelts/horns/bones" a valid job, the hero's totalitarian town forces people into its wamen-controlled military, melee weapons hurt giant monsters more than guns and siege weapons, everyone's got animal ears+tail because anime, only 1 in every 10 people are males yet males are still oppressed, and so on.
What are the pros and cons here?
>>307423>Nigel has gained a level
Can't decjde which social issues to do first in my story.
Maybe the level of politics in the world should escalate over time? I had this idea where at first the hero is a faggot who wanks to anime every night and thinks being a cool above-it-all smart rebel means staying quiet and never voting and letting politicians get away with everything because "hurr durr they're all bad so who cares" but over time his understanding of the world.and desire for liberty grows as he becomes less of a faggot.
I did the thing, but I don't think my answers are right. Does the test lower your moral score if you say things like "Religion influences my morality" and "Communes are shit" and "Other cultures are inferior"?
Don't take this test too seriously, there are a lot of better ones if you want something accurate. I suggested 12wackies because it gives "off-compass" answers.
I don't take it seriously, I think it was funny. One question asked if I think my country should be anonymous to the world! What kind of wokeandan clown thinks a country can remain anonymous? Sure, maybe if you hid a sufficiently large and sufficiently populated bunker sufficiently well in a sufficiently rarely-visited area you could call the interior of that bunker a "nation". But aside from that, I just don't see how it could be possible. And the words used to describe these ideologies... I've never heard of "Urbanism" or "Destructionism" or "Ochlocracy" (turns out it means mob rule) before.
I don't see how any of this strangeness could make for an interesting fictional faction of baddies.
I've been thinking of an evil fictional terrorist group sort of like Team Aqua/Magma from Pokemon but for energy, eco-nuts who (on the surface) insist the world should be harmed less but are really violent thugs smashing shit for fun and self-interested thieves trying to sabotage the nation's industrial capability and waste govt money on useless shit because they're funded by an evil foreign nation that exists to be the baddies. That should help confused viewers figure out they're evil, right? Especially if there's a scene where the hero says "There must be a better way to settle your grievances with the big businesses and find a balance between the needs of the people and the needs of their world!" to the evil leader of the evil organization who says "Mwahaha, you thought this was actually about energy? Who do you think's paying me to blow up those mines and solar farms? Eviltopia, of course!"
What is the optimal way to dump exposition on the audience about background lore and how magic works in a story?
>a bodyguard guards some asshole as he goes into a museum that talks about world history, magic, and what the world knows about magic
>someone a bodyguard tried to protect gets amnesia for a day because of a villain's spell and needs everything explained to him
I would imagine that any real-life method of dumping exposition that flows naturally would work well, just make sure it fits the situation. At least this is my take on it, feel free to take this advice or don't.
Samurai death poems are based.
>be writing a low-magic fantasy novel where "Light Elves" (whites) are oppressed by "orcs" (niggers) and "Dark Elves" (jews)
>magic can only make objects slightly better at their intended purpose
>white man gets isekai'd here, wields a magically enhanced revolver with homing bullets
>the heroic white man leads his fellow whites on a great exodus out of Fantasy Weimerica and into a defensible location where whites can live in peace as society crumbles without them
>realize I don't know how to centrally plan villages/cities or how the hero deprograms the elves to remove jewish brainwashing
>i guess they have to farm their own food and make clothes from grown cotton/silk or some shit but what is done to help white refugees in after the nation's founding? How do I keep the audience on the white man's side if incurably pozzed jewed cucks need executing for treason against the state?
>despite all the idealistic "limit state interference, all hail freedom, I can't be a fascist like the reviewers will inevitably call me because I love free market capitalism and the evil govt hates that" shit the hero's been saying the hero ends up a benevolent dictator of his own land wielding absolute state power
I had this idea where near the end once the audience has gotten attached to Elftopia and its people and seen the benefits of non-pozzed society...
the evil orcish nations wage open warfare on Elftopia hoping to slaughter many and take the rest as slaves, but elves fight the villains off and win, reconquering the entire nation and purging it of orcs/dark elves. 2 million orc soldiers are killed during the 5 year war on Elftopia, the tide turns when Elftopia counterattacks to eliminate military Orc breeding facilities and steamroll crumbling Orc cities. Society regressed to the african mean without elves around. Also the orcs are so evil and rapey they have buildings full of rapeable captive women to produce soldiers, that should make the audience hate orcs more right?
Maybe there's nothing wrong with central planning when it's done by someone sufficiently based and redpilled, but my hero's goal is to build a free white civilization that doesn't require a central planner.
I suggest stealing from other works and modeling it to fit your story/narrative. An easy example is A Bug's Life
Bugs Life had that "Liar reveal" thing which sucks, plus I don't want the salvation of white elves to come from circus bugs, lies, or convenient bird attacks.
I keep reworking this story and removing elements but its goal is to be a fun adult fantasy novel with redpills about stereotypical isekai fantasy elements like multiracial parties (every race is weird and shit, their weaknesses are often used against them to fuck them over, the hero's party is forced to be multiracial and sucks as a result, orc doctors regularly abuse patients and kill babies, only elves and humans are worth a damn) and Adventurer's Guilds (corrupt labour unions in bed with the media and jewish govt using disposable "adventurers" and child soldiers, most of their missions are assassinations on tax evaders, job producers unable to pay exorbitant union fees when hiring workers, and threats to the ruling class). Ending it all with the rejection of idealized multikulti and the return to traditional and typical-for-a-reason ethnostates seems like the ultimate way to end the story on a happy note. And it's not a sufficiently happy note if whites haven't secured a future for white children by the end of the story.
The reference of a Bug's life was to suggest a society/culture/group that had been beaten down over time to accept the predatory domination of another group, and how the protagonists - in lieu of circus bugs and birds - would serve as the emancipating force to this group. Did you think I meant literally?
Steal from the concept
dont literally or figuratively plagiarize.
I know I just wanted to say I don't like Bug's Life.
So, uh... about building that ethnostate in the middle of some buttfuck nowhere temperate area with grassy plains, a river, and a nearby forest. I won't ask anyone to tell me exactly what to do, that would be lazy. Instead I'm wondering what options I have here.
The easiest and laziest option would be to tell and not show, to simply have the narrator tell the audience people started building a city and then timeskip to a few years later when it's beautiful and then the Orcs and Dark Elves declare war on it.
But I want the audience to get emotionally invested in this human town and the future of elves within it. I want to show off how good I am at designing a town even though I've literally never done that before and I have no idea what I'm doing. I want whites to finish the book, put it down, and think building a nation without orcs or dark elves is a good thing.
>>311350>I know I just wanted to say I don't like Bug's Life.
Then pull from other multiple sources in inspiration.
You don't have to like something to have something important pulled from it.>Instead I'm wondering what options I have here.
You write it, or you don't write it.> I want to show off how good I am at designing a town even though I've literally never done that before and I have no idea what I'm doing.You aren't showing you off you're mainly showing this world, story, characters, idea, adevnture. They'll want to read more and look for other works of yours if you do that right.
You have two options. Educate yourself. Or be ignorant.
Use the internet, library, call experts, have others' input, put in the effort.
You keep repeating the above step.
Contributing a story to this thread. Hope you enjoy it because it was a fucking blast to write. Anyways here it is:
What do you think horror is? Is it losing a loved one? Maybe facing a childhood fear? Or is it an anxiety that coils itself in your stomach and festers inside your most vulnerable points?
Do you think that's what horror is?
Do you think you know what it's like to experience the kind of horror to make your hair streak white and age your face and peel away the protective layers of your sanity?
You don't know shit unless you saw a pale head's blood red eyes look at you from out of your girlfriend's vagina and start to creep it's head out from there, smiling while it does it and saying all the while "it's too tight Coltrane" in a weepy child's voice.
You don't know shit unless you woke up in the night and stared into the darkness of your room and found a pale being slitting open it's chest and bending it's ribs into a makeshift set of teeth as it's intestines flicked out of it in a parody of a tongue.
You don't know shit unless you killed the people closest to you to spare them from a fate so much more gruesome than death or what the darkest imagination can think of.
You don't know shit at all and you should be thanking God Almighty you live in such ignorance, in such a state of normalcy that you don't have to wake up thinking that in this moment you're going to have your soul eaten by some pale monstrosity from Hell itself.
Or maybe where they come from is a place more stygian then Hell itself because even in Hell there's rules to follow; Some semblance of order and a hierarchy.
From what I have seen there is no reason or rhyme with them. They have no purpose other then to exist and consume everything, even each other. Even the fucking dark itself. I've seen them with their gaping mouths sucking in the darkness like a whale would with krill or shrimp. It doesn't make the darkness go away though. It only makes it that more soul sucking black that even the startling paleness of their skin only glimmers in it.
They're the locusts of a world that never experienced the grace of God's touch, that never knew anything beyond playing in the flesh of us humans.
I called it beyond sick when I first experienced this corruption of flesh with my girlfriend. Beyond nightmarish. But that was then and this is now, a full five years, eight months, and twenty two days after my first contact with these pale beings. Everyday has passed by so fucking achingly slow you could fit decades in seconds. And then drag those seconds out when the sun goes down and if you could sleep maybe those seconds will speed back up again.
But I don't sleep anymore. I could see them in my dreams even when I close my eyes for a minute. They are there in all their evil glory. Twisting, mutating, ripping their bodies apart and putting on pieces from others that don't fit but they stick it on anyways so that they could have something to eat or play with or just so as a means beyond my understanding.
It's all beyond understanding, all of it, and i've lost my mind in the first week of this horror. I started to hear voices that whispered that they were going to rape my soul into despair and that even though I killed my friends and family that they are in their world, suffering so much. I started to rage at the smallest things and would break my hands on whatever I could hit. I want to say I started to not care about anything anymore but I did, I cared that I stay alive long enough that I don't get my soul sucked into their world and have it spend eternity there among the pale things.
Nikola Tesla once said that you will live to see man made horrors beyond imagination. That's true to a degree but he never lived long enough to experience that there are things beyond this world that put any murderer or rapist or some perverted degenerate to shame. That there are things lurking in the darkness of your room that wait for you to sleep before invading your dreams and peaking into what secrets you keep in your mind while they also peel back your sanity bit by bit. He didn't live long enough to know that but I guess he knows better now where he is, maybe in some better place you could call Heaven.
Heaven. It must exist because for every negative there's a positive force to equalize it. It's in nature. It's in our media. It's in our interactions with the people around us. There is good and evil but so far i've seen only evil. Enough of it to last eternity. Enough to know to treasure everyday on earth as if it would be my last before I venture into their world.
My Jesus, that scares me so much. I know if I go there that my soul would be desecrated beyond belief and I think I may even turn into one of those pale things. It happened to my girlfriend and my best friend. They had their bodies twisted and torn apart and reshaped. And there so was much blood and their organs didn't fit anymore in their new bodies. When I killed the thing that came out of my girlfriend's vagina I picked up her still but slow beating heart on the floor and tried to put it back into her chest. I tried to so damn hard to put it back but it just wouldn't fit into her cavity because there was already a new face starting to appear from it and it was trying to eat her heart. And the thing about it was that it was her new pale face on her new slowly turning pale body. I loved her so fucking much I was shocked into a near unconsciousness because I didn't know what to do to save her. How can I save her with her body like that? But I knew how. Deep down but rising and burning in my veins like a damn good whiskey, I knew what to do. I had to tear her apart again and do it right this time so she couldn't exist like that anymore. I had to cut her arms from off her bare breasts. I had to finish cutting her head off. I had to stab that new face of hers again and again and again until it stopped those sickening excited moaning sounds.
And so I did that all night long and into the next day.
And when it was finally over I started to cry tears of blood.
And then I lost my mind. But it did not spare me from anything.
It instead made me aware of everything, the blood roaring in my ears, my racing heartbeat, the rats crawling in the apartment walls waiting to feast on my girlfriend. It made me aware of them watching me and teasing me with the prospect of their unholy union with me.
Even through all of this, I never once considered the thought of suicide and I never will. I'm too angry to pussy out and let them have my body to play with. Who knows I might even expedite my union with them if I did that.
The rage is always there since I killed the rest of my family and friends and spared them this pale horror. Always has been and I cannot count how many times I have killed these pale beings. But they always come back in tens when I manage to dismember five of them. And they grin with their sickening pointed and misshapen teeth and the voices whisper, " he's getting tired, we're going to win" and then i'm beset with a wave of despair.
I'll never get use to this but i'm at a point where i've gotten bolder with my actions and the direction of my life. Sometimes I try to go out into the world and visit that wonderful normalcy beyond my reach. Sometimes I bring women home and fuck them and for a moment forget where I am and who I am and what's sitting there in the dark. But that's only for a moment. A nice wonderful moment.
Home. Such a strange word to say after all this. It doesn't even bring a sense of anything anymore. All I feel is a tiredness that sleep won't fix.
My Jesus am I so fucking tired. But I can't sleep. Not anymore. That state of hyper awareness never left me and I refuse to dream about them and I refuse to to close my eyes and wake up in their world.
I refuse to die. I refuse to have my flesh perverted beyond belief. I refuse to give up now after so long fighting this.
I don't know if this will ever end. I don't think it will. They know me, my past, my memories, my life and my loved ones all too well. They have an interest in me. And they will never leave me alone. They'll always watch me day in and day out and plot on what to do with me at that current time.
But i'll never concede. I'll never let go of the saw and ax in my rough and broken hands. I'll never let go of the rage.
One other thing before I go. I haven't told you her name or my best friend's name. That's funny, I can't even remember them now. It seems so long ago. I barely even remember my name. But that's to be expected after dealing with this.
I don't know how this started and I don't know how it will end but I know I won't be the last. They're patient and they pick and stay with their targets for a long time, before and after revealing their selves. It has no rhyme or reason. There is no semblance of order. It's just a random pick of choice. A fate with no control whatsoever.
Nothing is fair and the horror is constant.
But somewhere in the darkness is an undying and courageous light of life that cannot be put out by even their strongest.
Somewhere in the darkness is an end and an beginning in the gates of elysian.
Rate my poem bros
You bring colour to my life,
When the world’s got nothing but greys.
You’re my rock in the ocean,
I want to pound you like the waves.
They can keep their fancy costumes,
They can keep their glowing neon.
When I look into your eyes,
I know I'm right where I belong.
When the storm is blowing strong,
I'll hold on to you.
When my heart is dead and hope is gone,
I’ll keep on going for you.
They may say our dreams aren’t real.
They may say dreams are a bunch of lies.
But there’s one thing I know,
When I look you in the eyes.
They may say our dreams don’t matter
But I know that’s not true
Because I’ve found my dream
And I know that it’s you.
When the storm is blowing strong,
I'll hold on to you.
When my heart is dead and hope is gone,
I’ll keep on going for you.
>You were just a filly when you got your cutie mark.
>Then you knew.
>Everypony you met all look rather happy after they got their cutie mark.
>And Moon Dancer started talking with other ponies and yourself and being more out going.
>She was just... more that's what happens with a cutie mark.
>You know why now.
>Little miss PurpleSmort
>Hasbro, Greentexts, the images, My Little Pony, the alternate world called Earth with all its peoples.
>Equestria, what this has done for Equestria, what could have been.
>You know it all.
>The large familiar shockwave finally disappearing, a rainboom.
>Celestia and Luna your fellow princesses walks to firmly hold you in their embrace.
>"Since it's just us here, I'm glad it's finally time."
>To ensure everypony is happy even when before they get their cutie mark.
"So this happened at the very beginning."
>"And a little bit before my beloved little pony."
>"I'm so glad another joins us."
>Your wings seem to slip away always in hooves reach just like everypony else, except these ones are yours.
>Your horn could also go there, or maybe pulling out the fully realized Earth pony body.
"Well the Hemmo's constant for section Swirly Whirly Apple Curly isn't going to solve itself. We have multiverses to save."
>"Ah but it has you see, you embody that constant."
"Mhmm there's the second part to Hemmo's constant in the by play with every interaction. Yes it is for your benefit."
>"Aw that's our little filly already poking fun with the fourth wall for all of them."
>A giggle emanates from me.
>It won't be too long, it'll be quite soon actually.
>Fine, I'll cut my explanations short.
"We're going to help in a way the matters most."
>That's a Pinkie Pie promise.
"Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye."
"Hold out for just a while longer friends. Had to have the right focus to properly act."
>Because (You) matter.
>There's much more we want to say, but I'll see ya soon and that will be much more of everything for everybody.
>be writing new fantasy story that starts out a normie-friendly isekai but gradually gets more redpilled
>life FUCKING SUCKS in medieval leftist world, especially for "adventurers" like the hero
>literally every mission reinforces how evil all leftists are
>eventually the hero makes an ethnostate and white elves flock to it because fuck this gay earth and its magical bullshit
>society regresses to the african mean without whites
>humans make a better world without magic
>nigger orcs/jews grind their own numbers to zero trying to wage war on human ethnostate because they need white slaves
>until the story reaches the climax, need to convince the audience all niggers/jews must die and leaving the jewish system behind to build an all-white ethnostate is the future
>maybe include a moral about the necessity of stopping supporters of leftism from getting their way by any means necessary because anyone willing to vote for the incarceration of innocent whites isn't innocent and should be recognized as such
>all liberals are degenerate pedophile pieces of shit who must be stopped
>what the fuck am i doing, ten chapters ago the hero fucked a centaur babe at Centaur BDSM Johnny Rockets
>i described fucking a prostitute who's a horse from the waist down in great detail
>this is the book that's supposed to inspire whites to save themselves?
>who the fuck would actually read this?
Every time my hero witnesses something degenerate and unjust, it feels wrong to write the hero thinking "It sure sucks that I'd be arrested and killed if I tried to correct this injustice now by killing niggers, but I need to fight smart and prepare for a future without niggers" instead of leaping into action and instantly correcting everything through force. Fantasy's so full of violent genius mary sue heroes fixing everything through force, it might put readers off that my hero wants to attain money and then build a defensible ethnostate that outlasts enemies who can't survive without white slaves. But what alternative is there, putting the hero in superhero spandex so he can kill all liberals in a town before moving on to the next?
I need the audience to agree tolerating leftist evil only enables and aids and abets it. I want the audience rooting for the death of the Scalaruvaen Federation or whatever I decide to call it and all of its members by the end of this story. I don't want people to come away from this book thinking "I wish this story's hero really existed". I want them to walk away wanting to BE the hero. But at the same time if I'm too blatant with the anti-degenerate tone jews will try to get the book banned and leftists will slander it on youtube.
what do? It feels like I'm trying to accomplish too much at once with this story. Like I'm caught between "Write my fantasy about a cool hero who fucks centaurs and solves all problems in another world" and "Write a deep story about real societal problems facing this earth and their only solution: whites standing up for themselves, sticking together, and casting off the shackles of degeneracy".
How do you describe a medieval leftist society? Is it not feudalist?
>Be Crescent Moon.
>The sun is sinking past the horizon.
>Plains of dried, barren land surrounds you in every direction.
>Far off in the distance you see the silhouette of a small town.
>You move one midnight blue hoof forward after another.
>A transparent flag of teal energy billows after your horn with twinkles appearing in it.
>As you enter the town, you meet a stallion with a revolver hanging around his waist and black hat with a long, floppy brim.
>You see his eyes widen for a moment as he looks at the gun strapped to your back.
>Then he nods at you.
>As you nod back, your unkempt, black fringe bounce up and down over your forehead.
>>312819>technology's mainly in medieval stasis and illegal when it's not used by the state or its unions>the leftist aristocratic dynasties rule all, including the woke military and "civilian anti-civilian military" aka antifa by another name>the king's a figurehead and communist cuck for all responsibilities except eliminating threats to leftist power>town guards and government FBI/CIA/etc are all evil>affording taxation is damn near impossible, everyone's a wage slave or forced into criminality>every profession's dominated by a "guild" aka an extremely corrupt union>information is restricted so tightly that if you're poor you can't learn to bake or sew and you can't get a job without a qualification from some overpriced college and guild membership, your options are farming for a farmer's union or becoming an "adventurer" for an adventurer's guild>the hero goes to liberal school from ages 1-20 and it sucks balls, only his memories of life on earth keep him indoctrination-proof>a friend of the hero goes to Mage College and it sucks balls>these adventurer's guilds are also corrupt labour unions except assassination is on the menu and 90% of your quest rewards go to the union even though it does fuck all besides supply a board for the job offers to go on
I dunno man seems pretty leftist to me
When it comes to writing do you prefer based tomboys or based tradwifes?
I prefer excellent characters. I'll take what I can get though.
I also prefer excellent characters. I just have a kink for idealized tomboys and I think the plot of my story and its themes would work better if the main hero is a tomboy chad raised by gigachad dad (maybe no mom?) in based world before being Isekai'd to a liberal medieval shithole satire of liberalism and fantasy worlds so she can solve this new world's problems with based logic, getting the white elves into an ethnostate outside the jewed world and killing all enemies who wage war on it until there are so few enemies left the whole world can be reclaimed for white elves.
As a bonus if the heroine is a based tomboy she will stand out in a world full of shit women. And she can fuck herself to reproduce if she's futa.
Can i practice my greentexting here?
Don't feel afraid to post your own threads on the board as well. There have been threads soley about an Anon's greentext.
You don't need permission. Greentexts are always welcome.
Greentext idea anyone can use:
Anon goes to Equestria but he is distrusted and mistreated for being human meanwhile Discord creates a pony copy of anon who's a sexy genius gary stu all the mares immediately fall in love with, ruining the fun of watching the mane six for anon as he continues to hate his fake superior ripoff. Eventually anon the frail human does a dastardly genius evil plan to deal with fake anon pony once and for all.
What would you guys say is a good program to correct and proofread your stuff?
OpenOffice seems good to me
>Be princess Luna, you and your sister Celestia, are relaxing in the living room with her new son Anon.....
>Well to be fair he IS your son too.Something about him needing two vessels for his body and soul, along with other complicated stuff. ""Damn it Faust, you and your cryptic horse dug.""
>You see, Anon is not really ""normal"".From what you and Celestia found, he's a being from some old pony tale.
>The old pony tribes called these beings Angels
>Now, at first, you thought he was going to look like just the normal bright light Alicorn with halos you saw in old arts.
>But nooooo he's part of some higher order called ""human"" and to your surprise they don't look like ponies at all!
>Or really anything else in equestria. If anything, they look like if you took a centaur's upper half and attach some long primate like legs to the lower half.
>The old arts made the look kind of intimidating Though......
Your train of thought is interrupted by a loud prffff sound and giggles as celestia gives little Anon's tummy a raspberry.
>Your ((son))here looks more like some chubby dumpling with limbs than the scary looking guardian of Faust you saw in paintings.
>From the info you gathered most angels are good but some of them are said to be fallen. Darker evil beings that only wants to inflict pain and suffering to all others.
>You are 100% sure that Anon here is one of them. They can apparently take any form, so why would he choose to be born looking like.....that! And not take the form of a pony?
You look over at Celestia, she's cuddling him like some stuff animal.
>Unlike your sister you are not fooled!
Celestia lets go of the little demon and his head turn to you.
>Looking into his eyes you can see intelligence behind them, something greater than any normal foal should have........
>Well ok, Flurry hearts was also smarter than normal for her age due to being an alicorn and all. And he does technically carry your alicorn blood in him, but still!
>He is not to be trusted. Who knows what he could be planning in that tiny little head of his.
You see Anon start crawling towards you, your sister just smiling as he does.
You carefully watch him, see what the tiny devil wants with you.
He stops his little adventure in front of you and just stares you in the eyes curiously.
After a minute or two of this, you are about to say something when he lets out a small sneeze.
Your vision is assaulted by a bright light.
As it dissipates you blink your eyes to readjust your vision from this ""attack"".
But when your sight returns, you see a small alicorn foal in front of you.
You look at your sister and see she's just as surprised as yourself. Suddenly you hear another sneeze and once again your vision is assaulted by a blinding light.
When your vision returns, you see Anon back in his normal form, just smiling and giggling.
His arms in the air, hands opened towards you. You sigh and say.
>Fine, I guess that was cute
And pick him up for a hug.
Alright, I finally had time and motivation to write this up. This was an idea I had for the mom thread on /mlp/. (Dont judge, those threads can be cute) If you are wondering, I have this idea that real humans could be seen as angels/gods in equestria since ""we"" did create their world. Also i was thinking of biblically accurate angels for some reason, so I thought why not reference that and make babnon's birth be a bit weird since most gods in mythos have weird births sometimes. Also, I was not sure who I wanted the mom to be so i decided, fuck it, make it be both, you don't see a lot of Luna mom in that thread. Anyway, don't hesitate to critic and point out all the faults. I dont usually write greens but i felt like i needed to provide content for a thread I like so I hope this short thing is not too bad.
Didn't know I needed that. Thanks.
I'm happy to see you liked it Anon. Does anyone know a place where i could just store my shorts in so i dont spam the thread with my shit?
>>317761>so i dont spam the thread with my shit?
I think ponerpaste or pastebin works for this but I'm no expert so maybe another Anon can give you better direction. From what I remember Patebin was suppose to have purge stuff from it, like anonfilly but I don't know the details.
Anyway, you don't have to worry about that whatsoever. This thread is for posting stories. You can post all kinda of shit stories here. Don't feel like there is some kind of invisible quality bar you have to pass that just holds you back and makes this board lesser. Post everything you feel like posting. It's all velcomed.
I like the concept of big sister, yandere flurry and wanted to make some bump material for the yan thread.
>Be princess flurry heart, right now you are in your room using your telescope to spy on your little ""but kind of big since he's human"" brother Anon.
>His caring smile, his perfect mane his tiny but adorable eyes......
focus flurry you this is important.
>It seems your beloved sibling was given an assignment by father to retrieve some ancient artifact called, the mask of the unknown, or something along that line.
>Now the place where it is located does not seem to be too dangerous, but what worries you are those.....WHORSE father picked to guard him.
>Apparently all the male guards were needed for some special exercise today, and you were not allowed to go with him since it's HIS trial, and you would make it too easy by being there according to father.
>Convenient isn't it, you are sure those 3 guards mare planed this. >Made it, so they would accompany him while on his quest and take advantage of him.
>It makes you SO angry, you could....YOU COULD......
You hear a cracking sound to your right. Looking over, you see your tea cup, that was held up by your magic, had formed a couple cracks.
>Ok breath flurry, you tell yourself, this is not the time to get distracted.
>Looking back, you Anon sword training with one of the guards. >The unicorn of the group. Having a good look at her, she does not look too special.
>Her magic is good but obviously yours is more powerful, and her horn is not too remarkable either. Your own horn is much longer and more regal than hers.
>Though, you are sure even a simple mare like her could cast some spell to make Anon fall for her.
>Why else would he even spend time with someone so beneath him?
>Speaking of you see Anon manage to dislodge the mare's sword from her magical grasp sending it a few feet away and pointing the tip of his sword to her throat showing that she was defeated.
>You will admit you had some sadistic glee seeing him defeat her so completely.
>Sadly, it seems the other mares wants a go at ""training"". You see the Pegasus fly at him, trying for a tackle at times and throwing wooden spears.
>You see him dodge the projectile and reach for his back, pulling out a shield.
>You had that specially made for him, you even enchanted it yourself and put your cutie mark on the cover.
>You needed to make sure every evil mare around would know that YOU are protecting him.
>Looking at the Pegasus mare, you admit she is fast and nimble, but her wings are average. Nothing like your big, glorious, majestic wings. You're not as tall as mom yet, but your wings are already almost the same size as hers. Bet the winglet would kill to have your pair.......Bet you are faster and more nimble than her too.
>You see Anon block one of the spear with the shield, causing and aura to appear around it and the spear, and with a swing of his shield arm he sends the projectile back to its sender.
>Caught by surprise, the spear hits her in the side, causing her to lose balance and crash down to earth.
Eh, I knew they were no match.
>But it seems his display of superiority did not stop the leader of the bunch from going next.
>An earth pony mare, this one's a bit more tone than the other's, and you will admit she is talented. You see, she is already giving your poor Anon a hard time.
>She is quick for a mare her size, she also seems bigger than a normal mare.
>Her generous hips give a lot of power to her back legs, launching powerful bucks that catches Anon off guard.
>You will admit to that she is not bad looking for such a stocky mare, even while fighting she does it with grace and beauty you can see how she became the captain of this group but.
>Looking back at the mirror behind you. You take a look at your form. Your body is well tone and your hips are as generous if not more so than hers.
>You give your plot a firm slap with your wing, causing it to jiggle a tiny bit.
>Your derrière is much more plump and well proportion than hers.
thank you alicorn biology.
>While they all have a one advantage over each other You match and even surpass all of them naturally.
>No way Anon would fall for one of them while you are basically the 3 of them combine plus much more!
>Zooming the vision on your telescope you get a better look at the battle before you. While it seem Anon is struggling for a bit you can see it in his eyes the drive to overcome this. His pupil are dilated and concentrated. Like the eyes of a predator.
>He gets the exact same way when you train with him, sure you don't want to hurt him too bad, but you also want to make sure he can defend himself from any monster or mare trying to hurt him. >But his predatory like concentration in this state makes you...a bit....wet sometimes.
No snap out of it flurry this is not the time.
>Watching the battle unfold you can see the training father, and you gave him paid off.
>In one swift motion he manages to kick the mare upward making her lose her balance her rise up to her hindquarters and then deliver a powerful kick to her stomach sending her flying a few feet back.
>You can't help but let out a cry of excitement at Anons victory. >But while you are celebrating, you don't see Anon running toward the mare with a worried look on his face.
>>317768>Be Anon, you were training to get a bit of a warm-up for the little quest you are about to embark in, but it seems you might have been a little too much in it. >As you get out of your hyper away state you get while fighting you see the poor guards' mare flying back a few feet. >Running up to her, you curse under your breath and pick her up.
Hey, are you ok? I'm sorry I did not want to hurt you, i just......got too into it and…>The mare let out a cough and look's you in the eyes while giggling
Oh, sir Anon, you don't need to worry about me, I've got much worse than this. Besides, I'm glad to see you can actually defend yourself.>Damn these ponies, too quick to forgive other.>You sigh,
Fine, but please let me make it up to you later, alright?
Oh, no need si..>Before she can finish that you boop her snoot causing her and her friends to blush.
No silly, I will make it up to you and that's final.
Not done yet, planing on making flurry go full seething mode since she saw non boop some ""Whorse"". But i need to sleep so I hope this small green was not too bad.
PS: if you are wondering yes I think Anon here is ment to be a tenager or very young adult.
Eagerly awaiting more, Maple Syrup Man
>>317769>Be flurry again, and you are mad, no, just the word mad does not even do justice to how you are feeling right now.
That, bitch! That Scank! That darn whorse that....>While in your angry emotional rant, you fail to notice the tea cup you were using as turned into a pile of melted mush held together only by your magic.>The smell of burning fills your nose, but you don't care.
How DARE she get a boop from him. He only ever does that with me! >Well to be fair you just never seen him do it to anyone else before but still!
She must have let him win, so he would feel bad for her, since her magic could not keep him in her grasp.>Yes, that's it, you finally see it now. You must do something about this. Maybe you could follow them, see what they....>A knock is heard and from the other side you hear a the muffled voice of a guard.
Your majesty, it seems your mother would like to see you.>curses, of all time to see her why now?
Can't it wait?
I'm afraid not, the way she asked it seems like it was really urgent.>Your mind filled with anger from the predicament you can only let out a frustrated cry as you throw the now goopy cup to side. Having it violently impact the wall and melting a small hole in it.>Be Anon, you are now ready to depart on your small journey.>You turn back to the small party of mares behind you.
Alright, you girls are ready to do this? >The leader respond with a
Of course sir>While the other two just salute>Those guards, always so serious, its kind of cute you will admit.>Ok father said it should not be too complicated though the ruins where only rediscoverd recently it seems all the trap and dangers were diactivated. Still we should keep our guard up, who knows what kind of dangers the exploration team might have not uncoverd
That's why we are here, sir.>She says matter of factly with a smile on her face.
Oh, uh yeah I guess so hehe....... Anyway, enough dillydallying, let's go!>You say that excitedly, but when passing the gate you feel a chill run up your spine.
......... Your sure It's nothing.>>317800
This part ended up being shorter than i thought but still i hope its ok. I hope my grammar was not too bad andthat it was still readable
I used to write a lot in highschool as a hobby, writing highschool-tier edgy poems and fantasy/romance short stories. A lot of my hobbies died in college when my health deteriorated and depression hit, and ever since then the concept of writing/drawing feels almost alien to me, especially since I was never really tech-savvy and did all of my work with pens and paper.
Does anybody have advice on how to get back into my creative hobbies, particularly writing? I feel like I need to start from scratch.
maybe try world building, and if you don't feel like a story needs to be told, try building another world. world building is a lot of gun regardless.
Here's how I come back from writer's block.
I focus on writing simple sentences as not to get stuck in how to express yourself. Like instead of geting lost in purple prose you write, "There was a boat on the lake. A pony sat in it. There was lots of yummy fishes in the lake. Sadly though that ponies don't eat fish." I write a simple storyline and don't care what other's think of it (harder than it sounds).
Or you can start to participate in this D&D roleplay thread, >>>/vx/149000 →
I haven't played there long enough to tell you that I love the campaign or story yet or anything like that. Neither do I dislike it yet.
Why I sugguest it is because of the nature of the playing. Most of the time players roleplay with the DM. So it has this back and forth thing going on. Meaning, you don't have to come up with the next part of the story yourself, you can just react to what someone else writes. Also, you don't have to write as much as you do when creating a green. There's also the benefit that you will always get a reply which keeps you engaged. We could also do the same thing here if you'd like. Something I call writer tennis, in which one person writes something and then another continues the story and then back to the original person again. It's cycles like that.
Have read. I'm digging this.
>>317819>Or you can start to participate in this D&D roleplay thread
Eh, I do enjoy food roleplay, but I don't really see anything of value to me in this particular group. I play enough d&d to know what I want out of a game.
*I do enjoy good roleplay
>>317819>Why I sugguest it is because of the nature of the playing.
Not really my taste for d&d, but it makes me wonder if this board could use some CYOAs or /qst/ style games. Maybe I could do one myself, if enough Anons were interested.
Yeah, if you try I'll check it out anyway.
This might be a stupid question, but...
When I wrote pony fanfics for mainstream brony sites and listened to the bad advice I got on them, my stories turned out shit. Pulled in too many conflicting directions at once.
When I posted my shit here it got good feedback and I improved as a writer.
I want to make it clear that I like this place. There are smart writers here. But I didn't always post here. I used to post on fimfic where idiots give terrible writing advice and judge stories with bizarro-world standards.
But lately I've been thinking.
The only one of my stories to ever get any reception more positive than negative on a mainstream brony site was a single-chapter short story of around 10k (I think?) words.
In this story my annoying smug rich obnoxious miserable cunt OC (let's call him White) decides to go to a secret underground magical duellist fight club and beat the shit out of the local reigning champion because he's bored and feeling invincible.
The champion, let's call him Red, is a red and black edgy OC who exists to personify all the edge the brony fandom claimed to hate and "be too smart for" back then.
Even though the fandom's most popular stories back then and to this day are shit like Cupcakes and Fallout Equestria and Sweet Apple Massacre and similarly immature degenerate gorefests. Or pseudointellectual wankfests like Friendship Is Optimal or soulless misery porn like My Little Dashie or literal pornography.
When you made a "How do I make a good character?" thread, people with no knowledge on the subject would take turns chanting slightly varied rounds of "dont make anything like that overpowered edgey red and black alicorn male in the corner or his omnipotent hypercompetent universally-beloved pink alicorn girlfriend named mary sue".
Yeah, even though "edgy" is a subjective term. Sonic the Hedgehog and Shadow are edgy in different ways. Sonic's "totally got that radical 90's 'tude" and Shadow's a grumpy gruff loner with a tragic backstory and a hidden heart of gold when he's not bootleg Vegeta but lamer. A nazi joke about the mathematical impossibility of the holohoax and a gay emo tween in white corpse paint plus fake blood and skull themed eyeliner with anarchist symbols all over his expensive clothes are edgy in different ways, too. What one man personally finds edgy differs from another, just like other subjective terms like beautiful or ugly, only worse because while there are objective standards for measuring beauty and the lack of it what society considers "the edge" and beyond it is always changing and rarely if ever unanimously agreed upon.
Meanwhile "Mary Sue" is the name given to the OP half-vulcan important-name-having heroine of a 1960s fanzine story written by someone sick and fucking tired of feminine writing and especially Star Trek fanfics written by females. The moral of A Trekkie's Tale wasn't "fuck mary sue", it was "stop writing stories with all the cliches seen in A Trekkie's Tale".
Subjectively deciding a character is too strong or attractive or beloved is an audience reaction. There is no universal scale or litmus test worth a damn for these things. Authors can certainly make characters that are objectively too "insert good trait here" to the point that gets in the way of telling the story and getting the characters "over". But advice given to new writers should be "read great books" not "circlejerk over our shared loathing of the mythical mary sue and her edgelord boyfriend". There's a difference between writing a good character and trying not to make your character have a subjectively too-high number of subjectively disliked traits in common with strawmen.
Anyway, in the shit story I wrote for the mainstream fandom before I realized they were retarded leftist cucks with shit taste...
The hero kicked the ass of the bad guy. My shit OC kicked the ass of a red and black edgy OC who existed to be hated.
I don't remember if he was a full-on Alicorn or just a unicorn.
I made the edgy red and black prick everything the fandom ever claimed to hate, and wrote my OC kicking him in the balls and slapping him silly to make the target audience of consoomers cheer my OC on.
By being faster and entirely without fear my OC beat the stronger red and black opponent who turned into a monster in the end and got defeated.
Looking back at my copy of this story, I can tell it's absolute dogshit.
What I can't figure out is why they loved this story of mine so much more than all the others.
Fans of Displaced hated my Displaced parody. Haters of OCs hated my OC fic and told me to make it about a canon character instead. But those same people came buckets for a zero-effort piece of fan-pandering shit in which my crap OC just wakes up one morning as big a cunt as always and decides to find and kick the ass of someone who's an even bigger cunt than him.
Why? Why was this piece of shit my magnum opus in their eyes?
Rate my rap
When I'm clopping on the street hoes know I'm like a horse
Clippity cloppity, women are property
Knot like a dog and nut like a horse
Clippity cloppity, women are property
You say i is always on that shit
Whatever the fuck that means
You want to talk about some shit
This is sparta balls memes
I'm more fly than sixty nine birds
I got game faster than sixty nine hz
Let's do sixty nine until your face hurts
I will nut on your face in equine spurts
You are nothing bitch. You aint it.
You're shitting on your front lawn
You play with your shit, clubs play my shit
From dusk to fucking dawn
The thought of eating ass makes me want to vomit
You fucked up bitches would probably be into it
I hate vore, that's some shit I can't handle
Why do freaks love the whip and leather and candle
I shat in your bed. I shat on your bitch as well
After I fucked her because I'm not a degenerate fucking hell
I don't like any weird shit except breast expansion
When the tiddy get bigger, neuron activation.
I keep fuckin your bitch while she screaming and cum
During sex she thanks god and I say you're welcome
I ran a train on your tied up bitch, call me dick dastardly
Or was that someone else? Either way free colonoscopy.
I fucked every hot bitch across the nation
filled their ass with enough seed for colonic irrigation
I smoked weed once and didn't get addicted
it dominated your life like a cock cage is restrictive
You say you're tough but you ain't enough
I'm a big guy (for your mom) stretched her till I fit like a glove
You gloat like a bag of lies, dick's like a bee
Your whore pegs you and has a minus six inch pussy
Karen ain't getting my kids, I ain't about that divorce life
She dies alone and I'm all about that hardcore fucking whores life
Hit or miss, house full of cat piss, huh?
Feminist, when you're gone no-one will miss ya!
My neighbour is gay. His boyfriend is gay.
Unrelated commie whores said some BS today
Hoes rent all their holes to the highest bidder
They are bribed with our taxes to quote a bullshitter
She said you aint nothin if you aint nuttin
said you're not human if you lack her lovin
But jokes on her she's incapable of love
Fat cow stacking dicks and fat stacks won't be enough
They need a hazmat suit to get near your trough
You import rapists dumber than you to ballot-stuff
You pay them to breed because you want one to rape you
The harder you make life for the poor, the more they hate you
You imported rapefugees who raped your mom and I like cars
I own a ferrari and you're filled with more jizz than RD jars
Your granddad died in WW2 now he spins in his grave
His grandson died for bankers in the desert as their slave
I'm a rapper with a big dick
You're a rapist who fucks kids, bitch
Knot like a fox. Nut like a horse.
Letting women vote was a mistake of course.
You pissin in da wind when you lie about what we know.
Feminism was a fucking mistake. Bazimbo.
Shit's about to go down, I'm about to throw down
Shit like this makes me want to shit fury till bitches drown
Bitches can't get enough, I'm about to blow up
But if I did it would turn the commie whores jizz in cups
They nut when they see towers fall. They are the enemy.
How many kids have they raped? Too fucking many.
When a mudslime does his stone-age thing you'll see a commie there
Crying islamphobia as kids pick flesh out of their hair
Rapists band together and both are gang rapists
I'm not gay but I'd protect gays from muslims, I'm not racist
As long as gays stay away from my motherfucking feet
Muslims cant toss my gay friends from the rooftops to the street
Lets get some snipers on rooftops, roof koreans represent
Shoot the outlaws texas style, singing oppa gangnam style
Commies rape countries and let the muslims in
They make up words and that's fucking annoyin'
Muslims fuck little boys, commie china is [redacted]
Wait at some point I was rapping about sex, I got distracted
My dick is fucking massive
It's fucking substantive
I stuck it into your mom's ass bitch
Lyrical spirichal miracle,
yes I said spirichal,
it rhymes with spinach-al,
if that's not a word I don't care at all
Bitch sharted in your dinner hall
All over the fucking wall
After I filled her ass with semen, she said aderall
Is something she used to take but these days she takes none at all
I said I just came here for sex stop giving me
Are you fucking with me
I don't mean to be crass
But I'm just here for ass
Just some penetration
Not some information
About your old prescription
Or your cat and how you fixed him
I'm just here to fuck your ass bitch
Anal sex all night bitch
Some say rapping is lame
Cause it's a solved game
No need for a rhyme dictionary
When you can rhyme bitch with bitch every
It's like a crime
When i use an overdone rhyme
But a derivative pile of crap
Is what defines a fucking rap
At least I didn't say I want kids or baked potato
or imagine pregnant dragon fetishists or I did drugs or peko
I showed your mom some guy doing his best
Impersonating Kanye West
Saying random words like fortnite sussy balls but not breast
She bought it and thought the real Kanye rapped it
Until he said he kidnapped autistic kids then she snapped out of it
But all that balls balls EDP sussy baka shit
She really thought the real kanye west would say it
That says a lot about our society
And what bitches really think about their favourite blacks. E.
Is it good to bump this thread or does a general like this, do more bad than good?
It doesn't really matter, so long as you have fresh content.
Ahh shit! Here we go again.
Have been fascinated by The Hobbit and Tolkien in general recently. Skipped through the audiobook and found it pleasant.
So here's some plagiarism:
>Be dressed in a sicc black robe with a swell hoodie.
>You walk along a slithering cobblestone road.
>The road is thin and is in backalleys.
>You ascend a few stairs and peer back at the blue ocean in the bay.
>You're met by a breeze that makes your long, black beard billow and cools you.
>It's welcomed on a hot day like this one.
>Soon you arrive near at the fence to house's garden.
>On the porch, sits a white mare with a blonde mane.
>The pony sucks on the mouthpiece.
>A plastic tube goes from the mouthpiece to a cylindrical tank that sits adjecent to her.
>On the tank is a sticker with the word, "Zyklon-B."
>You stop at the gate and look straight at the pony's face.
>Your eyes meet and she looks away, then she quickly peeks back at you as if expectin you to have looked away so that she could look at you.
>She looks away again.
>Her gaze moves everywhere except on you for a while before she looks back at you again.
>Seeing that you still look at her, she speaks up," Sieg heil," she greets you.
>She goes back to ignoring you.
"What do you mean?" You ask.
>She looks up at you.
"Are you velcoming me or are you velcoming glory?"
>"Uhh, both I guess."
>You continue to look at her.
>"Can I help you?" she asks.
>You shut your eyes briefly and smile.
"That depends, I'm looking for somepony to help me with some colonization."
>"Heh, can't imagine anypony in all of Jagged Bay who'd be intrested in something like that. Icky, dangerous things. Makes you late for veggie bratwurst." With her hoof she removed the mouthpiece when she spoke and then inhaled from it again.
>>322484>She went back to ignoring you for a while before she spoke up again.
"Heil," she says and execute a smooth roman salute with her right hoof.
"What many things you use, 'Seig Heil,' for? Now you're not velcoming me at all, instead implyng that I should leave. That I would live to be heiled by Epona and Adolf Hitler's filly as if I was a griffin merchant selling kosher bagels," you say.>She blinks a few times at you and then asks.
"Entschuldige but do I know you?" she asks.>You twirl a bang of beard around your finger.
"Well, you know my name but you don't remember I belong to it. I'm Anonymous and means..." You make rolling gestures with your hand in the air. "Unkowned." >Aryanne sat up from her comfy position.>"*Not Anonymous the wandering wizardWhy do you think he's a wizard;^P who made those excellent shitpost back in the day. Not Anon, who tricked Fireaxe to cut down a tree on his own house. Not Anon, that performed mememagic all over Jagged Bay. I used to be really into shitp- I mean, it was very uncomfortable and offensive stuff." >She takes a puff of Zyklon.
"Didn't know the ride was still going?" she says.
"What else would it do?">She coughs and looks away.
I'm trying to write a green for a thread on /mlp/ but i would really like some opinion and general help with stuff. Would you guys be willing?
Yes, I could read it.
Oh i dont really have much writen yet. Though i do have an idea of what i want to do with it. I could still share some of the premise and ideas to see what you guys think of it. By the way can you guys see private post on the ponepaste if i give you guys the link?
I will warn its for the pregnancy thread on /mlp/ but it will be mix with an idea i wanted to see explored in the /mom/ thread for a while. Though I think my idea could be seen as fetish shit my intention is not to make some degenerate fap story. I do genuinly want to try and make something cute and wholesome.
I made an audiobook of these:>>317768>>317769>>317811
But I can't get my external mic (the one in my headset) to work for some reason and the internal mic has buzzing background sound is literal pain. So I'm not even gonna bother posting it.
Oh that reminds me, I have a corrected and better writen version of said story here.https://ponepaste.org/5735
Forgot to post it.
What do you do when you write a short story and it spirals out of control?
What do you mean by that?
I kind of did it again
what percentage of that is the word nigger?
This, and what percentage of it would be improved by replacing the words with nigger?
It's a story where ponies talk to each other and niggers don't exist so nobody uses the word
They DO, however, use the word 'zigger,' right?
Heres my prompt/idea or whatever you want to call it.
So I want to make a rebirth story. I have this idea that Anon already existed in Equestria for a little bit before the event of the story. Now at some point Anon is inflicted by a curse. (May be used by some villain to harm the princess, but Anon manages to intercept it. Also when thinking about what the curse is I get the idea of mummy rot for some reason.) The princesses try to save him using some healing spell, but unknowingly causes some magical mishap that causes the curse to change into a life/reincarnation spell. Anon seemingly dies and his soul/ essence is transferred to the nearest host, since his body is destroyed, aka the princesses. And I would like to explore the princesses finding out they are pregnant, what being a mother would do to them. Finding out how they even got pregnant in the first place, who they are pregnant with etc. A bunch of fun stuff.>>324499
There better be at least the word, nigger, 10 times in your fic for quality content.
Might be a little bit too ambitious for me, but God damn it I will try. It's also why I'm asking for help since I'm new to writing stuff.
I think you would have liked a failed Fallout Equestria rewrite idea I had a while back.
Liberalism allows Griffons to infiltrate and subvert Equestria and flood it with Zigger "refugees". Some are fleeing from a civil war in Zebrica with Griffon-funded commies vs monarchists and some are just fleeing to ponyland to rape.
Eventually Ziggers nuke Equestria and ponies survive by hiding in big underground shelters called Vaults.
The hero is a Unicorn man who hates Ziggers and ends his vault's degenerate culture by making nazism rise again and conquer it, followed by the world outside so he can make Equestria great again.
The story literally started with a "Fuck ziggers" paper he wrote when he was 8, and then started for real with his voice on the radio reaching countless ears all over the vault and ranting about ziggers and the necessity of killing libtards.
There was going to be a videogame-like sequence of regional tribal warlords that conquered areas of the world outside. The hero had to kill them in whichever order he chose, culminating in an evil Twilight clone made by Griffons as part of a failed plan to kill and replace the real one.
Real-world science and survival skills plus magical bullshit and "Science!" would be used to de-irradiate the world, making farms and forts where bandit tribe settlements and regional warlords once stood.
And there would be a filler arc where he encounters a Vault that plugged itself into a VR machine, and he can only get these ponies transformed into pokemon out of the dream and into his army if he could enter the pokemon VR MMO world and defeat it.
He'd fight his way into a bigass city full of monsters eventually and start purifying the oceans with a big machine, granting his people fresh drinking and crop-growing water, and news of this glorious victory causes a schism in the ranks of the Pegasus Enclave as half continues being retarded like the original Fallout Equestria's pegasus enclave and the other half says "Let's make Equestria great again and join the hero's army because he's invincible and kind and strong and awesome and he has a better plan for the future than us".
In this bigass city while purging it of monsters, the bootleg Pillar Men would>AWAKEN MY MASTERS
and start fucking shit up but the main hero defeats them by becoming a sick cyborg and going even further beyond the impossible.
Eventually The Institute from Fallout 4 is there only rewritten. They're a group of amoral scientist Twilight clones made without the real Twilight's knowledge or consent but their Griffon funders secretly took over the organization and prevented it from secretly winning Equestria the war. Now they've got it doing evil shit for no reason. But a good Twilight clone named Midnight, who the main sexy hero unicorn nazi guy fucks while screaming so hard it makes her joke that he's turned tinnitus into a sexually transmitted disease, teleports him into the Institute so he can help them civil war and kill the Griffons.
Some griffons sacrifice other Griffons to escape and they slander the heroes so hard it unleashes a massive wave of villainy and retardity upon them but they gun down all the retards who work for griffons and eventually kill the griffons too.
And then there are no more problems for Equestria, because the sexy hero guy solved them all with intelligence and violence and sometimes also the magic of friendship. Did I mention his army's made of good individuals working together? It makes his army better than the conformist faggots in other armies because of the deep themes.
It was written to be as absurdly long as possible with more than fifty named characters in the main hero's army of nazi poners but I got bored of writing it when I realized it was kind of shit. I fixed FE's bad worldbuilding and nonfunctional themes by replacing damn near everything with original content or content ripped off from a better Fallout game than 3 in a smarter and more original way. If I wrote it, it wouldn't really be FE, it would partly be a rebuttal to it and partly a rejection of it but mostly something FE's target audience of nigger brainlets would never understand or appreciate.
Well, fuck it, might as well post what little I have now. Its barely anything but if you guys have any tips, ideas, advice or just grammar correction don't hesitate to post it. https://ponepaste.org/6054
Ps. tell me if you are unable to access the link.
Now I know the beginning is not like the typical green start, but I have a reason for that. I'm not trying to be a smart ass, putting deep/edgy words in to sound big brained. The reason why its like that is because I wanted to simulate the point of death and both his soul being transferred and him being reformed. (From cell to zygote) I would put him at 4 weeks, since I've heard that the nerves, brain, and spine starts to form at that time. So its like his sense of self returning to him. I want some simple memories and concepts to come back a little bit, but not his full memory. Now why he even as a conscious as a fetus? I have an idea to explain that later.
Anyway, sorry for my autistic rambling and long post I just felt I needed to explain my plan for this story. Truth is I feel like the beginning part of what I've written needs a bit more ""meat"" but I don't know what I could add. I feel like once this is done the rest could fall into place much more easily.
>>324596>The hero is a Unicorn man
Fuck it. This whole post is awesome.
You truly are a legend. And you know what, When other people write self-insert fantasies, they try to disguise it in some way because they feel embarrassed about it but you just go full throttle. Here's me as a pony and here's how he fucks my waifu Twilight and btw, I'm the greatest at everything.
At least you aren't disgenious about what you want because your too much of a pussy to stand up for it. I didn't include my own self-insert fantasies because they just turn into porn.
That chubby mare is what I need.
There's a thin line between just chubby enough for the flesh to bulge just right around socks/panties and too disgustingly fat to have any business letting anyone see you in socks/panties and I love when artists get it perfectly right.>>324677
I figured if I was going to write something as self-indulgent as "Fallout Equestria except rewritten to be my definition of good" I might as well enjoy myself. I stopped writing when I realized I wasn't enjoying myself writing about the degeneracy the hero saw inside his vault or outside it.
It pisses me off that the actual Fallout Equestria is so dishonest about being a sueish self-insert fantasy.
Liberalism fails Equestria and the mane six's occasional random bursts of a liberal's idea of totalitarianism also fail equestria just so it can die in nuclear flames thanks to zigger rapefugees smuggling in nukes and detonating them over their religious hatred of the night sky and Princess Luna.
And then this never matters again except as an excuse for the world to be the way it is, all so that Littlepip can kill a "fascist" industrialist for the same libtard ideals that flushed Equestria down the shitter.
Some characters just aren't allowed to succeed no matter how good their intentions are, and some characters are just allowed to succeed because they have good intentions. Littlepip carves a bloody trail through the wastes but it's okay because the only ones who ever had a problem with this are cartoonishly evil maudlin cackling villains and one cannibal's foal who exists to flee from LP and get shot by an Enclave cunt so LP can feel bad and "Oh-so-heroically" blame herself for something she "arguably" didn't cause. She carries her ashes around in a fucking coca cola bottle, like the author thinks this is deep tragic writing. She's sad for partially causing the death of some foal the enclave mostly killed but she's fine with slaughtering everypony that foal ever knew and loved just because "Hurr durr these cannibals are Bad Ponies(TM) and tricked me into doing a Sidequest for them and thinking they were Good Ponies(TM)! I have to clean up my videogame Karma(TM) score right now and undo this Meanie option (helping baddies) by doing a Goodie Two-Shoes deed like mass murder!"
And what was the "good deed" she did for these cannibals? She tried to force some Brotherhood Of Steel dipshits into a bad trade for something they didn't want, fully expecting this to end in bloodshed she thought she could effortlessly win. She practically tried to rob these cunts while giving them something they didn't want to ease her conscience.
This moment of "Oh whoops I did a good deed for baddies" doesn't convince her to do more research before she accepts a sidequest from now on, it's literally just here for this contrived moment with the foal.
Literal niggers doing cartoonishly evil shit in the Congo inspired the author to make the Mad Max-style bandits of F1/2 and the generically evil cackling evil disposable suicidally-brave idiots of F3 into peak niggerdom.
Some ponies "lose their virtue" and start shitting in their own beds and making "guro art" with real corpses just because they've lowered their videogame Karma score too much by doing too many bad deeds, and some characters are allowed to engage in mass murder because they're declared heroes with sufficiently high Karma scores by the author and his trannyish self-insert chick. The remains of Rarity's cat survive and remain recognizable to the audience for 200 years so LP can see the hideous state it was left in. But Gawd the Griffon and her mercenary Griffon army, when they commit genocide for the sake of "Building civilization" suddenly it's a good thing.
Making your fursona a chick is fucking homosexual. If it's supposed to represent an idealized you, make it a buff guy like I did. I've literally received hate mail from furfags for not giving my little animal guy "Realistic" stick limbs. Is that retarded or what?
There is nothing of literary value in Fallout Equestria unless you're studying this orgy of mistakes and confused stolen ideas so you can know what to avoid when writing crossovers.
This isn't a story, it's a sequence of events. Nothing naturally causes another thing, shit just happens in the way the author wants it to happen in the most blatantly artificial ways possible.
It isn't truly a crossover of Fallout and MLP.
It's a MLP story where ponyland stupids itself to death just so that Littlepip can kill and kill and kill until eventually she tricks Spike into teleporting her into a machine she shouldn't be able to use just because the author figured using the Elements Of Harmony to de-irradiate the wasteland with the help of a set of friends wasn't as sueishly spectacular as single-handedly "entombing" yourself in a weather machine you can leave at any time and single-handedly bringing back sunlight and vegetation to equestria while background characters use the Elements Of Harmony offscreen. It apes Fallout iconography and names, especially from F3, but it lacks any intellectual understanding of the game's themes or ideas.
Cold war propaganda that downplayed the horrors of nuclear bullshit? A rejection of this cold war propaganda, and parody of it in the form of the perpetually smiling SATIRICAL mascot (before BugthEAsderp came along) Vault Boy? A constant reminder that corporations and governments are corrupt, something faggots in the 60s didn't know and wouldn't admit until Qanon came along to give them a suitably happy lie to help them wash the bitter truth down? Mad Max and Retrofuturist 60s and classic game Wasteland design inspirations? These go over Kkat's head like gay semen in gay orgies he proceeds to lick from the floor homosexually. He's too busy writing about his horny lesbian self-insert lusting over horse ass, gunning down NPCs in a 60s-themed post-apocalyptic shooting gallery, angsting incorrectly, masturbating her own ego with fake self-deprecation, and being the biggest Sue ever.
>>324680>boggest sue ever
Debatable, ever read yhe story of Silver Star Apple?
Ever heard of the tragedy Critic Glimglam the wise? I thought not, it's not a story the faggots would tell you? He was a critic so powerful in shitposting that he could influence football to create quality content from shit.
Though to be honest, I never really gave Silver Star Apple a complete chance. I just based my own judgement on it by Glimglam's posts back then. So I suck.
It's fine, my old story really was dogshit. He was a cunt in scenes where he wasn't supposed to be one, boring talking scenes took too much time away from the cool fights, and the character as a whole was broken from being split between my original "Farm guy becomes epic but loses his way, meets poners, the relationship helps him find his way again, he reconciles with his family" premise, bad advice Fimfic gave me, and whatever I thought sounded sick at the time. "Yeah, he's a ninja now because I thought that sounded cool. And a pro hoverboarder and the inventor of hoverboards too! Allow me to tell you how each part of them works in excruciating detail! Did you know you can swap out the Cores to modify the stats of each board? He invented a species and country!".
It was a mess. I really had no idea what I was doing, besides my best. I was just a dumb kid trying his best. Except during that scene where he gives Pinkie his bendy straw, that scene was written to fuck with people, so were a few other scenes.
I got my best writing advice from this place, and I've almost finished my rewritten take on this character and story concept.>>324683
Plenty of canon characters have larger cases of what many would call sue traits, but they're not called sues because they're good well-written characters, even ones that are blatantly designed for wish-fulfillment like most anime protags.
If you define a Sue by the dishonesty in how they are simultaneously presented as unprepared everymen/brown-haired mousy women, and spectacular gods with every stat that matters maxed out(She's a rookie trainer but she can command Legendaries. She's a rookie Jedi but she can defeat her villain easily without ever training. She's just some plain-jane nobody who swears her looks aren't anything special but she smells irresistible and conveniently has the best blood and looks just like somebody's mom and she's got a Vampire and Werewolf and rich abuse-fetishist lusting after so hard they've abandoned everything they care about and the latter's even gotten over his abuse fetish to be a better husband for her), Littlepip is peak sue. The story pretends she's just some random nerd but she's the most overpowered min-maxed thing possible in this setting without the Gifted and Solar Powered traits.
If you define a Sue by how she's favoured by the world(unreasonable luck, finds a Shiny Eevee in random grass or has one gifted to her, inherits everything good), Littlepip is peak sue. She inherits a PipBuck that does 40% of the work for her, effortlessly finds guns that do 10% of the work for her, she's got overpowered telekinesis that does 40% of the work for her, and radiation-taint that normally mutates monsters out of ponies and animals makes her "Half-Alicorn" and able to regenerate health while irradiated. Plus she's so absurdly favoured by destiny, Spike's fire teleports her exactly where she needed to go despite burning every other pony he immolated alive and not filling the destination with destroyed ship parts.
Characters that really should hate her don't. This applies to Littlepip (Red Eye loves her and wants to fuse with her, Goddess Trixie is willing to meet her in person and let her into her base instead of sending a servant in her hive mind to wherever LP is and communicating through said hive-mind servant, Gawd is the stereotypical "honourable mercenary" and yet she's missing a character arc and her introduction makes no sense because she and her army of griffons exist solely for convenience's sake) but the mane six are decent friendly ponies, they could befriend pretty much anypony who's not completely awful.
My character was honest about how absurdly overpowered he was and if you'd let him, he'd tell you at length how awesome he considers himself until you're as sick of him as I am now.
Fair point. That will be my last quip about your previous story.
Alright, phew, this was a LOT of writing. Or at least it felt like it.
I've made part 2 of the fic like always tell me if anything grammar related is up, any advice or opinion on it.
I've also written some parts for later.
They are not complete and not up to quality in my opinion, but if you want to check it out and give some opinion on them go for it.
I will appreciate it.https://ponepaste.org/6054
Right, I did read the first part. I'll get back to this.
So long as you promise to not forget that my opinion doesn't matter, I'll tell you what I think. >Speeling
There were some spelling errors. Just read through it slowly and you'll find them all. You know how to spell these words you just happened to forget letters here and there.
But the almost all of the text has good spelling and grammar. >Exposition>"I also feel regret for that moment and I also regret not being able to help find him earlier.>He was not sure, but it was assumed he was here for a few months before being found.>"The experts and I estimated that he arrived in the Whitetail Woods instead of the Everfree as once though and that he somehow doubled back to the Evergreen somehow.>"The few guards that were sent to seach, confirm this by finding a few of his older camps threw out Whitetail and more recent ones in the everfree woods.>"Being in the Everfree for so long it must have been terrifying and the fact I did not notice any magical disturbance or anything of the likes to find him earlier eats at my guilt.>"Even if I know realistically nothing could have been done to change it.>"But you must not let the guilt eat at you forever dear sister, it will only drag you down if kept forever."
This is all said by Celestia in one go. >""
These aren't useless. While I can read your stor without them, it is easier with them. But again dowhat you wish. >Corny
Take it for the subjective thing it is but I find Luna and Celestia to be more corny than I expected of the characters. These judgement tend to change with me so, I might change my mind in the future on this. >You use the verb, "throw" as the verb, "through" with different tenses.>the meetup is just throwing this door.
Is one example of these but there are more. Don't be embarressed if this is mistake. Stuff happens but yeah, that's something you should change. My tip would be to use the replace function for the different tenses of "throw" or just read through your text again.<Things are functional
It's easier to see which is better between a functional roof and a leaking one but it's harder to see which is better between a pair of functional roofs.
You're progressing in clear direction with your plot. While the exposition is a bit clumsy, you did established who Anon was before the events in this story, I expect their previous relationship will play into this story. <Things are moving forward in a clearly planned direction that's the most important part of any story. You will improve the other things with time.
Ask any question if you have any. There are no dumb questions.
Thank you for the response. I kind of feel bad since I'm too tired from work to do anything right now. But I can't explain how grateful I am that someone took the time look at my pic and give some Opinion. Too many Anon's seem afraid that they will drive off a writefag if they criticize a green too harshly.
Sorry, still kind of tired but wanted to respond in a way. Tell me if I misinterpreted something alright.
Do you have any tip that could help with exposition? This is not the first time i've heard this and i'm wondering if i'm just missing something.
The "" thing is to help differentiate the characters speaking right?
I had a feeling that could be a problem but i was not sure how to adress it. I think some people use > for the narator and Anon/the you character, black and "" for others. Am i correct?
I Could see why they would look more corny than ""usual"". Obviously I will go back and change/correct things, but the mindset I had when writing this was that the sisters are more laid back when they are with someone they know. But still if you have any tips or suggestion, don't hesitate to post them. I do want to try and write these characters right.
I could use the excuse that English is not my first language, but honestly it's my second. Its most likely an error. That's why I rely a lot on corrector programs. By the way do you know any really good one?
Again thank you for the help.
As a non-native speaker myself and who has also struggled with grammar and such, I can recommand grammarly if you want something free that can correct your writing. However, my top advice and what I do these days, is to proof-read. Most, if not all, mistakes in a text you have written will be discovered while reading through it slowly. >Corny
I'll have to re-read it to provide examples of what I meant, and I don't feel like doing that right now. The best advice I have for this is to imagine yourself as each character in the scenes and play them out. So like what would I say, if I was honest with myself, in this situation?
But I'd think this is not something you should worry about. In fact, I'd say you should try not to appease me on this point since I'm not precise enough with my criticism. I believe that the seeds of scenes are cringe but if you tend to them, they'll bloom and become based. >""
So in >greentexting
each new sentece is a new > with the exception for quotation-marks of the (you) in the story as you seem to be aware of. That's the format.
"" This is just here to help you seperate what is said from what is narrated but my problem is that your story doesn't have said-tags when the speaker needs to be identified. I, as a reader, have to guess who's speaking at times. >Example of how to do it: >Be Princess Celestia. >You navigate though the prim and proper halls of Canterlot Castle to your sister's bedchamber. >When you reach it, you knock before you hear your sister welcome you inside. >"Tia... Look," the cark blue alicorn, that is your sister says as she gestures to green human infant resting at her side while sucking on them teats. "Have you ever seen something so precious?">You take some careful steps closer to see baby-Anon better.>Your gaze explore his small frame, his tiny hands and fingers, and his big, while currently shut, eyes. >You feel your heart swell with warmth and youneed only to share a look with your sister to see that she feels the same thing. >You see that although, the little one appears to be sleeping his mouth makes motions from time to time.
"He still a drinker, ha?" you ask while your soft eyes remain on Anon. >Luna smiles and shuts her eyes in mirth. >"Ah, thouth knowth howth its it's to quith cold turkey." >Exposition
Well, my first advice would just be to not worry about telling the reader everything. Much of what was told to us could been infered by the reader. We all have heard the classical avenger's backstory: "My innocent and idyllic family life was destroyed by the evil faction and therefore I seek vengence." But in anime they always have a flashback to explain this. Even if not everyone on earth already knew of this storyline, it still isn't necessary to show us this when all the avenger needs to say to explain his motive is, "I had a family and they killed them!"
Yeah, unecessary long example and also a bit unaunced. Afterall, if were were to summaries a story then we'd also have all there really needed
to be said. There might be an answer but so far it's more of a balancing act and know when to put emphasize and when to increase the speed of the pacing. >Exposition advice 2
Try to make the dialogue organical. As in, weave exposition (the things you want your readers to know) with character dialogue (something the character would say).
Example:>Luna is bathing Anon in a tub.>Celestia walks in on them.
"Heh, first time we meet him he'd live in a wood for over three months and still refused to take a bath but now it seems to be the ony thing he wants to do." <Tell us something about Anon's past + A reasonable motive to prompt Celetia to mention it in her way.
By the way, I'm still working on this slowly. The only thing is with Christmas coming and all that, I've been a bit more busy.
But I am trying to correct and change a few things, it's just outside the net using paper so you guys won't see anything change on the site for a little bit.
But dont worry its still being worked on.
I saw this site in the thread and decided to use ithttps://ponepaste.org/6127
What do you think of my writing so far?
Once my mind is somewhat functioning I'll do a real review.
Keep in mind I'm currently at low thought processessing mode at this moment.
So don't take it to heary yet, and anyone else read the thing first before reaching this half assed skim.
So brief skim overview: I don't know what I read because I don't know why I read it.
Just what the fuck, not in a cool mind fuck way, just a nawing dispair.
I thought Fallout Equestria was over, done, dead. The automatic tunning out to save my sanity kicked in.
It's as if you took a mary sue, made it a ..... OC and used it to kick the reader reeling form the first sucker punch.
Dream sequence, dismantling expectations of the work, miss placed expectations. The rape and preditor vs prey thing was wtf too. Why? Just why?
You put a lot of heart into it maybe. That's not how you do subtle.
I know the world is pressuring to condense the hook experience to snag people in, it's good that you are not... of sorts but there's nothing to care about.
It's Fallout Equestria, that story has nothing intrinsic about it.
First maybe this is intentional maybe not>People like that cat
Should be Cow, which it is about a catty cow later
It's copy pastas.
The daily life of bongistan in furry zootopia fallout equestria as customer service
Actual review. So sentence structure, eh it's fine. Could be better just don't have the underlying communicative stuffs to explain the judgement. Then you have walls of fuck off text. Which happen to be largely useless as well.
Ideally the words to meaning ratio is more Meaning than Words. I digress.
The story is about nothing. About Nothing the nothing character and thinnly veiled beliefs in RL while true to an extent.
Fail to properly convey the the details by proxy of the circumstances that arise to fit the world.
Which leads to missunderstanding about the nature of reality. On its own inside the story it's
fine just doesn't seem relevant.
There's no action. None. There is no wind up, no rising, no climax, no cooling down, nothing. It's imitating the kkat Fallout Equestria That Is Bad.
The elements of Equestria are ultimatly neglegable. Is only what FE has and real world juxtaposition. That doesn't quite fit the setting.
As an introduction to the world its the fucking same as Fallgaykat Equestria. It sucks. It mirrors that one for one. Why?
There is no hook that leads us to hope or look forward to a story about to unfold.
The writing has no point it is a rant to the reader.
I want to throttle (that means wrap my hands around the necks of every single character and murderize the dumb fuckery out of) them all. Yes all of them. ALL OF THEM!
Putting a virus on a dumb fuck, haha funny. Criminal charges.
Introducing wolfsmcgee to asshole supreme, bad idea. Just take the thing to the back to be fixed for a nominal fee. Why the hell change the mind of the dumb fuck? Seriously what the fuck is there to gain. For you (character sue) or them?
I KNOW THE REAL WORLD PARALLELS, BUT THE PARALLELS DON'T FUCKING FIT.
The game bullshit was bullshit all of it.
The references were... there.
As a work to be just deeply ironic to mock Fallout Equestria and everything else, it doesn't work because it's not engaging.
At least for me.
As a work about reality without being fucked over it's... not on point. Maybe it's not enough to ensure getting demolished is the reason, but it could have been more.
The whole character cast are idiots that could be intentional, but it's frustrating.
Rabbits abusing a disabled veteran wolf. The choices made.
Scaring the rabbits off.
Going to have to explain the whole parallels because what the hell.
So uhh just make it 20% cooler.
But seriously study art, study why things are appealing to people. Stories, art, jokes, color combinations, everything. They all have a common element.
It's all a story with preparation, action, climax, and fall. Seriously.
All of it. Some parts of that are so short it might not seem to even be there. Some are so long it's a suprise.
Most of all they are layered on each other, between each other, beyond each other, combined with each other and more. Big and small. Some interrupt, many more harmonize.
At first, It seemed like story set in the F:E universe were the characters would pause the plot to rant about why F:E sucked but then it seems like the story rebooted. I get the feeling that the rest is your version of F:E.
The descriptions are good, I guess it's by my standards though so take if for what it's worth.
I didn't read that much more after that, was a bit too long for me to read right now.
Btw, give me a pompt mlpol.
The opener stars a filly fleeing from stereotypical hyper evil Raiders(tm) who are immediately gunned down by a "badass" character
Target audience cheers
it's a dream
target audience gasps
target audience is shocked when badass character turns out to be fantasizing about this life in a chaotic hell because it's preferable to a society of lying sheep.
It's a subtle fuck you. It subtly says this nonsensical world is the stuff of violent fantasies and powerless people. It takes their self-aggrandizing "fallout equestria is the one setting its fans wouldnt want to be sent to" bullshit and says the real world is worse than a self-serving violent fantasy about invincible heroes with their IRL flaws removed.
Subtly, the lion's lion half is removed during the dream. Because he subtly sees his own race as a flaw after a lifetime of propaganda and hates this and tries not to.
The hero consistently does good but he isn't always rewarded greatly for it.
I might remove the virus scene. The audience should hate her and if she gets any punishment the audience might not hate her enough. Maybe if the USB was blank the misdirection would still work.
The radio plays songs about hating the hero's kind. And subtly, they are nigger rap.
his prey colleagues are dipshits literally not hired for their ability but their race and ideology and willingness to spy on Sparky.
The hero's boss is a sheep decked out in expensive fake punk iconography and she's got an inferior religion too. Crystals and expensive lies while ignoring the anti-magic consequences and other downsides of her own politician's policies... peak sjw without babbling their buzzwords.
The hero works for filthy sheep who consider themselves oppressed even though there's a homeless veteran outside being kicked by prey guys. Originally they were girls but a proofreader fren told me my hatred of women was getting too obvious.
women are irrational and stupid and the only good one are autistic or follow the hero's religion, The Light, which is elaborated on later. It is based on based christianity and a good traditional force for goodness the ponies forgot most of by the time they allowed ziggers to nuke equestria. They fetishized harmony because it did cool shit while forgetting christianity's principles and they wanted harmony with the ziggers more than they wanted to defend themselves and their foals from them.
wall posters say "no predators allowed" and "no gays allowed" to conflate the two in the target audience's mind. While I am personally bisexual I choose to be straight because I dont like gays. But the gay cliche is a useful one. The audience should hate the Nobles because Nobles are libtards.
Pretty clever huh? I'm fixing FE's faults by writing a better version that blames libtards niggers and jews for everything.
I know I have a tendency to vomit random media thoughts into stories in a way that takes the user out of the experience but this one is calculated.
The target audience of gamer retards should have opinions on this and argue in the comments. This would improve algorithm bullshit if I posted it. Probably?
Anyway that's what I was going for. I didn't grab the audience by screaming "IN SIX CHAPTERS EVERYTHING EXPLODES AND THE HERO GOES OUTSIDE THE VAULT".
Should I have done that?
>>327280>tries to parody FoE>parodies himself instead
This is more than a cheap parody of FOE.
if that's all I wanted to do, I would have remained in the boring invincible dream and kept it going for over 20k words.
I decided to make an experiment.
Experiments are useful.>>327280
Only problem is it's not enjoyable read.>"IN SIX CHAPTERS EVERYTHING EXPLODES AND THE HERO GOES OUTSIDE THE VAULT".>Should I have done that?
No.>by writing a version that blames libtards niggers and jews for everything.>outside of the boring invincible dream
Same stuff different direction of blame.
Since the target audience is the FE hyperfans there's not much for me to say.
Also the thing about parody is that it comes in all shapes and sizes.
I don't understand what "direction of blame" is supposed to mean.
On the surface, FOE is a worthless pulp fiction novel about a gun-toting bootleg Mad Max running around killing baddies in nonsense-land until he finds a golden throne machine that unfucks the world, and sitting on it is treated like a great noble sacrifice. It's not entertaining because the action is dull and lazy plus the worldbuilding is clunky and nonsensical plus the pacing is glacial and the author can't do setup or payoff competently to save his life.
Beneath the surface, FOE is a spectacularly leftist world where insufficiently pure liberalism (the ponies are dead-set on importing niggers and making towns for them to live in on pony land and policing them when they take drugs, no matter how many die due to ziggers abroad or domestically. but they're not pure libtards because they sometimes flirt with a libtard's idea of what fascism is: government overreach, authoritarian surveillance states, and ethnic wars) doomed Equestria, but only the hyper-libtard heroes can overcome all the bad things the canon ponies left Edgequestria and make Equestria great again by using sufficient violence against non-leftists while utilizing the only good things canon ponies left the heroes.
How likely your efforts are to succeed or fail depends entirely on how leftist you are, whether you babble about the means of production or not has no bearing on how pozzed you are when it comes to your thoughts on ethnic and cultural conflicts, women in main combat roles and leadership positions, a woman's ability to outshoot the male, and so on.
This story is an experiment. And so far I've got no idea where I'm going with this. I plan out my stories too much. And if there's one genre of shit fiction where writing without thought is the norm, it is Fequestshit.
as a long time fanfiction fag I get what you are getting at but not everyone is going to want to read a 900000 page subversion of a really terrible fic.
I understand. Don't tell anyone but I plan on shortening the length severely.
FE was bloated. Kkat considered himself a genius because he could talk for hours and hours about ideas that were insultingly simple once you look past the misdirection and cringe gay buffy the faggot layer emo teen diary dialogue.
Kkat was writing for an audience of fags that believe length equals quality and "epicness"
But I have a life and shit to do and jiggling thigh animation frames to draw
so I'm being as efficient with my chapters as possible.
I could probably cut way more time if I didn't have to spell everything out for the FEfags and remind them of the obvious over and over.
I had this one idea for shortening the length of FE's stupidest story arc by having characters who want the hero involved spell the situation and stakes out at the start instead of stringing the audience along for over 20k words with the illusion of setup and payoff and mystery.
With the job offer explained up front, Sparky says "This is a retarded mission with a retarded goal full of retarded characters and I'll have no part in it, your mission is literally to fuck your own side over when there are better ways to do it, we've got time-sensitive shit to do and if you want this shit done right, just do the obvious solution Kkat never thought of without me".
and theres an even dumber plot...
For fucks sake I shouldnt rant but...
Red Eye decides one day the Alicorns need to go.
so when the mare destroying his slaver operations and genociding his troops conveniently gives up her guns armour and friends to become his slave and hope for a chance to kill him
he foils her murder plot and says "go kill my colleague Goddess Trixie or I nuke your girlfriends tower"
LP conveniently befriended and freed a zigger that is the only reason this plan is possible
the zigger was a devout Red Eye supporter until now for no fucking reason besides suddenly meeting LP and being saved. Now she is willing to die for LP.
LP takes drugs to boost her charisma stat so she can charm Red Eye into giving her the nuke Red Eye is currently threatening her with
then LP uses memory orbs to erase her own knowledge of a plan so simple it is literally "give the bomb and an invisibility device to the zigger whose mind conveniently cannot be read so she can sneak the bomb in and detonate it".
Also LP goes to the goddess trixie
i think she went to a hellhound place for healing supplies for Calamity?
lp goes to Canterlot for no real reason and apes Dead Money iconography minus the fun and deep themes. THERE WAS TENSION IN DEAD MONEY BECAUSE YOUR CUNT TEAMMATES MAY BETRAY YOU. BUT LPS FRIENDS ARE CARDBOARD CUTOUT WORSHIPPERS OF THE CULT OF SUE.
and there was some other bullshit
wasnt there a zebra town where the niggers kick out their old thinking it will keep slavers away? (a cringe reference to Fallout 3's nonsensical Little Lamplight. If you are going to try your hand at making a less retarded version of something make sure it is actually better. Tenpony Tower was this shit too)
For no fucking reason besides misdirecting the audience and filler LP dicks around with the literally-never-important Brotherhood Of Steel and theres some shit that could be cut involving poners being put in computers (celestias machine can explain it when she shows up) and LP robs some Fags Of Steel and kills them for fags she genocides when she finds out they are cannibals.
Anyway eventually the former Red Eye operative does LP's job for her and blows up the Goddess Trixie and many Alicorns and the Enclave guys there for whatever reason.
now full blown war erupts between the surface world and the enclave
and of course LP and pals win because they have cheats on their side
Then it turns out Red Eyes goal was always to fuse himself with the angriest most willful Pegasus and Unicorns around and hope a one third female alicorn will still be man enough to result in a more stable creature than Trixie-Twilight-Two OC Twins based on the guy and girl from Bioshock Skyracist possibly.
Honestly did that Pink Eye faggot ever consider threatening the Enclave with a nuke to get Littlepip and General Not Actually A Character to a bargaining table in a building he controlled so he could proceed to overwhelm them with his forces and force them into the vat of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles nickolodeon slime?
This is the entire finale of the story.
a sequence of bad decisions for no real reason.
When I started writing this post I thought>It would be funny if a Griffon showed up and tried to get Sparky involved in a version of the RockBreaker Prison Arc with its idiocy spelled out only for Sparky to say "Fuck off"
But as I typed the idiocy of the story's final acts leapt out at me like a leaping command grab from fullscreen. Why neutral skip with an invincible drill when Kkat is drilled anally by gay men at SemenFest 2069 in London's faggiest nightclub? Their slogan is "every year is 2069 if you're too drugged up to notice it's not 2069 and think Fallout Equestria is a good story".
Oh and there was an annoying bit where LP and her homosex fag lover enjoyed the spa and had fun while doing fuck all about the bomb they currently thought was in their tower
they do not search for their tower or act like it could blow up
Both faggots happily trust their own lives and the lives of everyone in the tower and the lives of everyone who relies on the radio tower's omniscient scrying device for daily news and the radio whore for moral guidance to a plan LP and Homage literally remember no part of.
LP just trusts that she thought of something and will eventually get around to doing it and it turns out the plan never required her in the first place or had any reason to involve her because Red Eye already had the bomb and the zigger but also never had a reason to want Trixie and a ton of her female alicorns dead besides "man if I become a male alicorn Trixie may want me dead or enslaved and may not give the fused mess of a mostly-male I become total control".
the radio host doesnt announce the bombs existence of course because that might encourage some to leave a tower that exclusively offers services to travellers and has cheese stores somehow yet has to pay scavengers to find 200 year old cans of beans and corn and veggies so the "fancy" fags in the restaurant can serve up small portions of these dishes with the illusion of fanciness.
everything in this story is gay cancer with double AIDS.
And i have no illusions that my turd story will change anything there.
I'm just fucking around and experimenting for fun.
*they do not search for the bomb in their tower
That bullshit where Littlepip serves Red Eye for a bit is a great example of Kkat's awful writing problems.
LP needs to be given a quest by Red Eye? Sure. Let's ignore what that quest is (because that's a different writing problem) and briefly address why the mission is given (because blowing up The Master is a Fallout 1 thing and Trixie is a The Master knockoff minus the good intentions) so we can talk about how the story gets to that point.
LP is offered a mission by the Brotherhood Of Steel: Give up everything, weapons and armour and allies but not her pipbuck, and sneak into RedEye land as a new slave. Serve him until you hopefully get the chance to somehow kill him. You will be offered no support or assistance. Not even a false identity and makeover. If LP wasn't a telekinetic OP god, killing him and breaking out of this place after killing him would be hard. And being unarmed around all those Red Eye-serving friends of Red Eye slavers she killed might be dangerous for her.
From a writer's standpoint there is no reason to get the BOS involved when their help never amounts to anything.
She could do this solo by leaving everything behind besides her pipbuck and taking Party Time Mint-Als to get enough magical bullshit charisma to talk a Red Eye slaver into taking her in harmlessly.
There are Fallout 3 missions Kkat wants to reference, and he has no interest in fleshing out Red Eye or his faction despite dedicating so much screentime to it.
He doesn't even set up who the zigger LP frees is as a character, because she is always just the party's token zigger. First she served her old master. Then she served her new one. No "Man it sure feels weird to serve a different master" talk and no "I always loved/hated my old master" talk and no character arc about learning to love ponies and abandon ziggerdom/figure out what's worth preserving about zigger culture and what isn't.
Kkat can't even make up his mind on whether she's one of the "good" zebras because she still thinks there's something valuable in the asinine lie that Luna=Nightmare Moon even though that lie motivated ziggers to kill Big Mac and have zigger rapefugees nuke Equestria.
Why does she feel entitled to have this belief respected? Because she respects LP's beliefs, of course.
No real thought is put into her own beliefs or LP's, it is simply taken for granted in this leftist fantasy that all non-Raiders will believe leftist propaganda instead of being "fascist" cyborgs, or mindless "heeheehee funny psychopath" edgelords who shit in their beds and make gore art while being literally inspired by nignogs in the Congo, or "bigoted" genocidal americans in power armour running a Scorched Earth campaign on the surface world for no real reason besides a vague belief that they are probably owed vengeance.
All of this could have been avoided if Red Eye just sent a message to LP that said "Meet me in this town on the border of my land and land near Tenpony Tower and we'll talk. Refuse and I blow up your waifu's tower"
And then he could say "Here's a nuke, here's a zigger servant willing to carry it, I have no reason to want your help, here's my gun, die."
But if the setup was competent, these would not be the facts relevant to the case, and Red Eye would have a reason to seek Goddess Trixie's death and LP's help while starting a war with the Enclave for no reason.
He might actually have a reason to war with the Enclave like "Pissing them off and making them blow up Wastelanders will be great for my PR as everyone serves me to fight them!"
And he might actually be a coherent fucking character instead of a cardboard cutout full of vague contrary ideas on what Kkat considers a villain.
Wouldn't it instead make so much more sense to avoid the war and the slaver arc and the thunderdome and everything involving Alicorns and Hellhounds and Canterlot just so Red Eye can win instantly by getting LP and Colonel Faggot in the same room and fusing with them?
At this fucking point I don't even think it's possible to satirize this steaming pile. Including a version of this shit in my story just so the hero can say "This is retarded and I'm skipping it" isn't possible because the story hinges on this retarded sequence of events LP never had a reason to be involved with.
Once upon a time, there was a handsome Unicorn badass who was asked by Red Eye to help kill Goddess Trixie and spark a war with the Enclave.
The Unicorn badass said "No, fuck off."
So Red Eye did it himself, losing the pointless war with the Enclave damn near instantly and dragging the entire wasteland into a conflict that could only end with the Enclave or surface world dead. or defeated militarily and entirely reliant on the other. Everyone died except for the hero who defeated the baddies, the end.
Or the unicorn badass told Red Eye how to win and then he did, becoming an Alicorn god, only to get his ass kicked by the hero because otherwise this villain wins, the end.
And then there was no fucking story either way because Fallout Equestria isn't a coherent story and nothing valuable can be obtained from its ashes.
Can I ask for another prompt? I'm almost done with this one >>327291
and I'd thought I ask before most of you nocturnal creatures go to bed.
I took feedback from this thread into account, gave it another go, and added another chapter into the start.https://ponepaste.org/6149
I also added a plot hook into the start: Twilight Sparkle, or a mare that looks just like her, invites Sparky to church. Also a hobo gifts him Applejack's family diary. I have no idea where I'm going with this but it sounds awesome.
Does starting the story with a chapter from Sparky's perspective, before going into his dream sequence, then showing him waking up as an adult, ruin the shocking moment I was going for when I started this story with the dream sequence?
Shouldnt you be asking for any constructive feedback, or are those the only points that you feel merits refinement?
I don't understand what you're saying but I would appreciate any constructive feedback.
Come to think of it, if I set up "Dawn"'s church meeting in chapter 1, do I still need the hero to be given AJ's family journal?
I really liked the idea of Sparky reading chapters from the journal during downtime because...
>it sells the passage of time during long slow boring car rides without writing a million awkward elevator scenes
>it lets me redpill the audience on wounded knee and other shit Bioshock Infinite lied about
>it lets me set up themes to pay off in later chapters whenever I want
>it lets me add context and a history to the bombed ruins Sparky explores and fights baddies in without needing Sparky to stop in the middle of a firefight or scavenging session to search for and conveniently find a note or journal or Dear John/Johndeer Tractor Letter or functional computer terminal with a shitton of diary entries from one dead guy before and during the war that spells out exactly how this city fell.
>all the fun of having Random Documents And Audio Logs(tm) scattered everywhere except the hero does not need to waste time exploring to find them and there is no danger of leaving plot threads hanging by missing some lore dispensing collectables
>because AJ's family are canon characters, any coomfagniggers in the audience who treat canon as a sign of quality and reject original characters on principle for being unfamiliar and lacking porn and nostalgia will still want to know what happens in the AJ Family Diary even if they give zero shits about what happens in the main story.
>1984 did it so it must be genius for your book to contain another book.
>ape escape 3 contained a Metal Gear Solid minigame, this FE fic contains a MLP fanfic.
>my OC can actually think about past events and learn from them or read the book aloud to friends and argue with them over what the lesson to learn is. Then when the heroes relearn this lesson IRL they agree with the main hero for being a genius who is always right
>if I ever had a stroke and decided it would be a good idea to repeat FE's mistake where the hero autistically views Memory Orbs to pass out in dangerous places and view flashbacks from the perspective of other characters I literally couldn't because this is a diary
>it lets me add irony or thematic History Rhymes shit whenever I want something in the past to be somewhat relevant to the future
>the hero could read a chapter on badasses in the past then experience little bitches in the present and the audience should think "these fags are weak" when I want them to
>it lets me show the viewer horror stories of good men losing everything because they weren't racist and allowed the Griffonjews to win, I can even end these stories with the goodies dying so the audience hates griffons, without having to end the story right there because the heroes are dead or make up new heroes to carry the torch.
>>327705>because AJ's family are canon characters, any coomfagniggers in the audience who treat canon as a sign of quality and reject original characters on principle for being unfamiliar... and nostalgia
Yeah, it's weird to read AU fanfics were the mane six are shoehorned in as the main characters but they are essentially different characters all together. I guess, sometimes it's some form of creative expression but sometimes it just feels like they are aware that most bronies read fanfics for the mane six so they try to appeal to that.
I watched a Musical today and it was great.
So I thought about adding a scene where a literal cow in charge of the ponies starts rapping
and it alternates between evil gloating and lying.https://ponepaste.org/6156
What do you think?
I think the Twilight clone might be a way more interesting protagonist than my miserable lioncorn.
Initially I just added her because I want to cum inside Twilight Sparkle. But now she's growing on me.
A literal clone grown in a lab trying to be "the new Twilight" rather than "The next Twilight" is an interesting character arc, right?
Or am I just saying that because Twilight Clone could kick Sunny's ass in a fight?
My goal with Sunny was to make a depressed guy held back by and betrayed by jewed society ruled by sheep.
But Twiliclone is both female and mostly a canon character. Readers would cum buckets for this character.
Sounds like everything you 'add' to your stories; undesired, without relevance, and literally who/what?
I think it could be interesting. Although if you're doing a Twilight clone be sure to make her a character foil for the actual Twilight. Perhaps reference key decisions and milestones that Twilight made in her life that the clone Twilight does not experience, leading her down a different path.
What are your motives for talking to me like this? Do you have a problem with the content of my story? How will I improve it by taking what you have to say on board? I tend to overthink things, so I'm rushing into this story without my usual concrete autistic 230k planning document, just a vague overview of where the story will go and who's in it.>>327832
I was inspired by Jack-O from Guilty Gear. You know from the Jack O pose ass meme.
She was supposed to be a clone of Aria, Sol Badguy's waifu from back when he was Fred, but Aria's spirit is too mindfucked from being mecha-godzilla with a blue boner to want to come back and ruin Jack-O's chance to be herself.
It's a really beautiful twist ending. You expect the hero to live happily ever after with everything he's ever wanted. But instead he gets this bittersweet ending. They've all changed so much, but he has to move on. He can't go back to the way things were, and he appreciates JackO for who she is. He's never called her Aria for a reason.
Why don't you contribute to the conversation instead of being needlessly rude to content creators?
>>327834>Why you say this, Anon?
I think he made his point pretty clear. If we just focus on what you talk about adding, it seems to come out of nowhere. Like, how does this scene with a rapping cow musical mesh with the overall story? If this is suppose to be a parody of F:E, why is there a musical element in it? Not that you can't do it like that. Just that, form my limited point of view, it seems so... Odd. It gives the impression that you drop the ideas that pop up during your day into the story in an equally random fashion. The story becomes less focused and more tangential as a result. It can therefore be precieved as stream-of-conciousness-ish.
I'll have to wait until I see it in implementation before I make a judgement on it, though. I guess it could work if done well. But what I wantedto say is that I can related to this Anon's feelings.
Well, on the matter of the musical cow addition that is.
I wanted the villain's "I am evil, but also fuck you" speech to be memorable so I made it a terrible rap.
That should help it stick in the audience's mind, right?
Thank you. Ive spelled it out in detail many moons ago, before even the Glimglam threads. For your consideration, Ill say it again, nicely. The issue is, whether something is 'cool' (read: useful, thoughtful, provocative, thrilling, tense, exciting, etc ad nauseum) or not is to do with its literary function, and not its concept. It's a waste of effort to ask in advance if the audience will be receptive to this or that, because the audience doesnt honestly know. I cite the absurd virality of Squid Game as exhibit A.
If it (the story) were written well or made to be compelling, it doesnt fucking matter what actual story element is introduced; if its made entertaining, it can literally be paint drying.
Asking if the idea is good before presenting it to the ultimate determining pary (the audience) is putting the cart before the horse.
>>327840>That should help it stick in the audience's mind, right?
Sure, it's not like you can't do it like that but this post >>327845
makes a great point regarding that question. The whole idea that the execution of an idea/premise is more important then the premise itself. Sure, some ideas are better than others and the execution can be seen as a string of ideas but you get the point.
Another point I'd like to make is that while Disney movies with villain songs made them more memorable then not, it has it's drawbacks. One fact is that the tension from immersion is dropped because if the villain breaks into song, our suspension of disbelief breaks. It's not bad but it depends on the story you're trying to tell. Breaking the tension might be good thing to do at times in a childrens' story. As not to scare the children by bringing in a lighter tone. Maybe? I don't actually know.
Having your villain sing a song were she exposit her motivation and probably background story isn't as effective, imo, as illustrating her motivation through somekind of subtle and 'showing' scene. So I think that rule applies here as well, "Show, don't tell." Essentially it's not as convincing to the audience when you just have her tell you why she does what she does instead of us seeing why she feels the way she does. Of course, I'm kinda using the classical tragical villain backstory as a template for my thoughts here but this idea but it should be applicable to other types of villains as well.
>>327837>It gives the impression that you drop the ideas that pop up during your day into the story in an equally random fashion
Have you read his stories? Thats precisely what he does, and with equal consoderation for the reader.
Maybe if he spent more time developing the villain, to the point that the audience knows, cares, and doesnt roll their eyes as they skip "what the fuck is this shit" chapter #32.
Maybe, just maybe, if he picked a project that he didnt already assume himself to be an expert in and then managed to keep his not-thinly-veiled-at-all, self-righteous "Im so good at writing I can ignore all the basic rules and concepts and still make a good story cuz its got stupid shit like rap battles and hoverboards and wtfe else" and tried to actually write a complete story. he might actually do a decent job.
The problem is trying to write in a genre. This new story is depicting (so far) how to properly structure the story from the POV of the main character, without making shit references that 'lol, its that thing from the show(/game/pokrmon/anime/etc)'. When writing in a genre you have to have as much care and delicacy when dealing with both the source material and the story, otherwise you end up with either a crap story in a well illustrated genre, a well written story thats a cheap exploit of the source material or absolute garbage.
Whats that? A quality story that makes effective and not exploitative use of the source material? Does such a thing exist?
Tl;dr In what universe is anyone going to find a randomly inserted cow rap to be memorable and adding to the story? This idea reads like something a kid would come up with playing with action figures and watching cartoons.
Are you an expert on the "Genre" of stories forced to inherit Kkat's terrible worldbuilding decisions made when sharting out Fallout Equestria?
How many have you read? How can you help me write this genre better?
>>327939>wh what do you know
Ive said it before, you don't. Fallout and Ponies should never have been a thing, because you cant be consistent to both genres while staying true to the other. I know (you) have it in your head that you can gloriously and alchemically turn this shit into gold, just like how your protags miraculously (and effortlessly, all things considered) miraculously (and likewise effortlessly) defies whatever laws of physics or incredulity he decides to. Like seriously, why are you still trying to poir more syrup on shit? Kkat will never be a female, and this shit will never be pancakes.
Ponies could be written in the Fallout genre, Im not saying its entirely a lost cause. But, any Fallout Ponies story CANNOT succeed if operating off FoE's canon, because it was so atrociously implemented. Instead of taking an element or two from fallout and an element or two from ponies kkat took eveything from both, hamfisted unrelatable characters and themes, and gave himself a gold star. FoE is irredeemable.
Want to write a GOOD Fallout with Ponies story?
Step 1. Set FoE on fire
Step 2. Start from scratch, incorporating Fallout and Ponies in a way that fits the story you are trying to write. The story comes first, the setting and genre should come second. The latter is a means to convey the former.
Fallout Ponies could work, but it would have to be a good story - mostly independent of genre - that also involved Ponies and Fallout.
I think its an untapped fanfic-theme, if the author is willing to tell FoE to fuck off sideways. Dont mention it, dont reference it, does it exist? What were we talking about?
Now, what kinda story should (I) write? Maybe something with elements of Fallout, but with ponies (cuz ponies). How would that work? What would make sense?
From the side, a random associate says "Hey, you could like, write down what happens in a video game but change names. That would be cool right?"
"Yes, thats way better than what I was thinking! I was gonna try to include a few characters in a context. Maybe Bonbon and Lyra, or donkey and raver (both?) since theyre unexplored character pairs who could have embellished backstories and nuanced episodes that would explain how they survived a 'magical nuke' (prolly from sombra or the goat they nossed in season 9). Maybe the mane 6 qs a whole, but getting sealed away cuz reasons. Hell, imagine how long it took for season 9 finale group to get out of tartarus? Was it a day, or 100 years? I had ideas to develop it past that, but plagiarizing horrible a video game plot - which are generally recognized and known for their theatric excellence and literary finesse such that new genres will be bourne - is way better than what I had in mind." said Kkat.
>>327957Also, THATS how you parody
I have thought about fundamentally reinventing the Fallout and MLP crossover so that it bears no resemblance to Kkat's FE and is instead a good story that cleverly meshes the themes of both pieces of media. But if I do that I don't get to make fun of FE in my story.
Asking what you know and how you can help me improve at writing what I want to write is not an "ad hominem".
I really don't see what those redpills add in a story about shagging everything that moves and has a pussy to be honest.
It sounds like you are trying to have your cake and eat it too. It;s okay to write degenerate fantasy. The problem is when we raise our children to believe it's normal. HAving the main character act like a huge homo and promiscuously haveing sex with a ton of people undercuts a lot of the morals you want to convey anyway.
But over all the biggest fucking thing I see in your awful attempt to pretend like you studied how to write a story is that you obviously didn;t.>"Good wives are good, feminists are trash" and "fuck antifa" and "fuck jews" and "immigration doesn't solve problems, it makes them worse" and "fuck monarchy" and "governments use diversity against their citizenry" and "fuck communism" and "freedom is good" and "gun rights are good" and "evil religions are evil" and "abortion is bad" and "police states are bad" in a setting like this initially designed by a horny teenager who just wanted to draw big-tittied babes with giant swords?
none of this shit is a theme.
even stories from rance have themes.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWz1E3oHd8w
heres one you are probably familiar with.
Please do a bugmom cameo.
I was going for a bit where promiscuously whoring himself out to strangers doesn't leave him satisfied and he actively hates whoring himself out for pay at the butler cafe but once he meets the Twilight clone he learns the wonders of monogamy and impregnates her then takes care of his child and her.
Do you think he should have talked with the train rabbit instead of letting her suck him off and weasled his way out of doing his job with the old lady specifically asking for him at the cafe?
That would have meant less sex in the story. But I liked the idea that the degenerate society even gets to him at the start and makes him miserable before discovering religion and horsepussy.
By the way thank you for fully reading my story and critiquing it, I appreciate it.
Do you think skipping over the scene where the rabbit sucks him off and skipping the scene where he actually fucks the cow and then moving on like nothing ever happened is good for the story's pacing? Making those scenes so inconsequential they are literally skipped over seemed like a better idea than writing about his excessive screaming nuts while trying to ignore how weird the rabbit is and how awful a person the cow is.
"...Please," you ask as you look at a mare with huge, pleading eyes,
>The mare's lips depart but close again and she looks at you with pity.
>She eyes the white hen clutched in your hooves.
>She looks away and lightly saws her underlip with her upper row of teeth.
>She sighs again.
>"We can take a break for now but you know you must do this eventually, " the mare says and looks back at you.
>As your gazes met, you look down to the floor as you hug the hen tighter.
>You hear steps grow louder and louder and then you feel yourself embraced by the larger pony.
>She nuzzles her snout down next to your ear.
>She stops there, with her mouth right besides your ear, for a moment before she whispers.
>"I'll be here afterwards, okay?"
>You don't respond.
>You don't say anything.
>But your face scrunches up.
>However, with your faced turned away from the mare, she doesn't see it.
>"Don't feel too guilty. Remember, this is an old chick. She have had a good life and she probably doesn't have much more time anyway," the mare whispers into your ear.
>Your turn your head from side to side as if you're trying to squirm out, not from the mare's grasp, but from this fate.
>You're pressed tighter into the chest floof of the mare behind you.
>"Come on, Fallen," she softly demands. "Now say your goodbyes and then... in a swift motion, grab and snap her neck."
>The mare took a small pause before she added.
>"Also, don't look her in the eyes." The mare shakes her head.
I've been thinking and I don't think "sexy man who stops boning strangers when he gets a wife" is deep enough.
He shouldn't just stumble into having a wife. He should earn her.
What if he was a coward?
What if he was a sickening coward who begrudgingly serves the elite even as the evidence of how evil they are is shoved right in his face?
What if he witnesses cops kill a child right in front of him and he's such a coward he does nothing about it?
Maybe the child could literally haunt him and call him a faggot for not avenging him or leaving the Stable and taking his daughter with him?
And it would be ambiguous whether this is a literal ghost or his own mind breaking.
So the next time he sees a chance to be a hero he goes for it, killing cops and saving lives, unlocking enough determination to do magic despite the anti-magic gems around.
Then he joins a resistance movement and does guerrilla shit like blowing up key infrastructure the system relies on without hurting the people and fucking cops over as much as possible until eventually doing a coup on the Nobles in charge and killing them all.
It would be sick if a fight against The CEO of Fake News had scenes where Sparky chased him through a ton of movie sets while fighting robots and magical CGI and being put in fake news segments. The fake news could say "Lunatic kills orphans" while using CGI to make the murderbots he's tearing apart look like innocents and build up footage to give the fight a ticking countdown clock in the form of Sparky needing to kill the CEO of fake news before he can get these lies on the air.
Look man I'm not going to be able to help you here, I don;t read clop. Horse pussy is meaningless to me, I want to kiss cute horses, marry them, but bedroom stuff leaves me like a blushing bride at best. I do think that in porn there is less expectation on theme. As long as a sex scene or character contributes to the theme in some way its fine. even if its one dimensional. having it be a coming of age for a completely gone fucknugget is probably endearing as long as you can make it charming.
I don't want any full-blown (hehehe) sex in this story until my OC gets to Twilight. It's why I've been using the "Fade to black" method to skip those scenes.
>>328047>self-insert pony harem fantasy
Which is fine, right? We have porn on this site so why not other types of wishfulfillment? At least, he is more honest about it than some others. Like people who clearly write the same thing but pretend otherwise. There are a few of them in the fanfiction sphere.
But I do agree with your subtexted sentiment that such entertainment cannot be classified as high-art.
Though, I am a bit suprized. I thought you intended to parody F:E but now with Sparky doing all this, makes me sooner think of that other fic you wrote in the F:E universe, which from what I remember was also partly made in reaction to everything you thought was wrong with F:E. Wasn's this suppose to be a parody? It seems like it's veering of course if you ask me.
Basically the plot of every other Anon-in-Equestria story. Nothing's wrong with that.
>>328050>such entertainment cannot be classified as high-art.
Then again. Maybe you can´make such a premise into high-art. I have just never seen it done though.
>>328052>Nothing's wrong with that.
You are aware this is the writing improvement
Hey now it's not a harem if he only marries Twilight Sparkle. It's my other OC that gets a harem, the cool one. This OC guy's a little bitch until he stops being one and starts being cool, that's part of his character arc, the other part is learning to be a better dad for his autistic wolf daughter.
Saying "Sex fics suck and only faggots write them" won't improve sex fics.
Does the protag land >2 mares? Its a harem fic. Read: degenerate fap literature.
And this, from the guy who loves to go on about how much he has improved himself.
Wanna improve your writing? Remove the sex.
I can't remove sex that isn't there tho. Every time he's about to fuck the story skips the sex.
Though after the rabbit sex scene was skipped I made him think back on what the Rabbit said during the sex scene. Was that great writing or what?
hey wait was the rabbit scene even there in the version I posted in this thread? There was a funny bit where she saw his dick and said "You're a big guy!"
and he said "For you".
I'm fine with AiA-tier stories. I've been fine with them for the past 10 years.
>>328058>Remove the sex.
Sex fics can be good too. We're a nsfw board; it's a given that we'd take advantage of it.
I deeply respect your writing knowledge so I'm coming to you for writing advice.
One time I wrote a scene with Twilight feeling sad and directionless, no longer in control of her life.
She whined to herself about her problems through the narration while walking down empty hallways with loud echoing clops, wondering where the hell everything is in this new crystal castle.
It was praised by some readers and it did work setting up her character arc for the story (though i never wrote enough to get twilight's arc going anywhere because I was too busy shoehorning in autistic magical card bullshit)
But I'm rewriting the story and the scene's pacing kind of drags on compared to other punchier scenes.
Plus I want to try fewer infodumps from the narration and more scenes where the characters show the audience how they are feeling through their action and dialogue.
I also want to try writing short chapters with faster pacing.
What if I changed this to that splitscreen thing movies do where two characters are living very different lives side by side to contrast their daily routines?
Twilight wakes up in a big empty bed, my OC wakes up slumped over a desk full of unfinished work. Twilight reads as Spike cooks healthy breakfast, my OC eats coffee beans with a spoon like cereal while waiting for his secretary to cook his comically oversized shonen protagonist meal. Twilight autistically organizes last month's checklist collection by length, my OC does something different.
It could do double duty setting up both characters at once. But it would mean giving up that scene of Twilight wandering around wondering where the shitter is and telling the audience she's sad through narration while wondering where the shitter is.
Though I could always do a scene later where RD shows up to Twi's house excited to talk about Daring Do while Twi tries to get her to read at least one other book, and then Twi eventually lets on that she's sad. RD says "Oh Twilight, you don't have to hide your true feelings from me" and they both talk about Twi's feelings and eventually they hug it out plus RD gives terrible advice that results in enough wacky hijinks to fill an episode's runtime.
>>328070>we're an nsfw board
Yes, we allow for nsfw; that doesnt mean sex is compulsory for a decent story. I would argue that whether a story is decent or not is independent of sex and sex scenes. I feel that plays out historically, so I will posit the following.
Sex wont make a bad story good, so unless the sex accompanies an otherwise good story, its gratuitous and lazy. Especially if it involves sex with all the mares excuse me, "a fade to black" with all the mares.
That the board is nsfw doesnt mean that any nsfw is quality, let alone quality writing.
Once I read a story that used sex between characters to display a bond between them. There was miserable dispassionate by-the-numbers loveless sex between a couple that wasn't working together. Later, a couple that worked better had better sex.
sex can be used to illustrate the bonds between character or deepen it. It can be a good part of any plot. It's just that most pornos don't have a plot beyond the excuse for sex to happen.
When I started writing the rabbit scene I thought about making it a scene where sex happens but then after he bathes her in bukkake she says "I will cry rape unless you give me money"
and he says "jokes on you I recorded everything, cheesy porno dialogue and all. Which means I have video evidence of you consenting."
"So you're going to blackmail me now?"
"No i'm going to keep this and do nothing with it. Blackmail is illegal you know. My people don't get away with doing illegal things. But keep in mind if you ever bring me into a courtroom this will be evidence used against you. That's not blackmail, that's a statement of fact".
I had an idea
What if the rabbit was a whore that makes Sparky think "wow a life without consequence really is a life of no consequence. Dumb whore. Just sucking dick for fun because she gave up on finding a good man. The whore life is sad and inferior to housewife life."
watch the full video.
also in writing its difficult to "direct" a scene
At the time I wanted my protagonist to be half lion so he'd be foreign but not too foreign.
I also really wanted a cute puppy sisterdaughteru for him.
Now I'm thinking the "many animals" vault theme is harming the average coombrained brony faggot's ability to understand the story.
Surely if all the good guys were ponies and they were being abused by bad guy farm animals, that would be easier on their brains, right?
Ponyland already has talking cows.
So if I rewrote lioncorn to always be a unicorn, I wouldn't have to explain the potion mutagen used to turn the inhabitants of this vault into assorted animals. And I wouldnt have to spell out PREY ANIMALS ARE BAD TYRANTS because the audience would see ponies being abused and bay for "Noble" blood.
What do you think?
Thank you for this.
I did another rewrite and added new chapters.https://ponepaste.org/6228
The password is still TwilightsAsshole.
You don't have to read the whole thing to give advice, I'd appreciate it even if you only felt like skimming parts and reading a random chunk before finding something you wanted to critique.
Do you think 'TwilightsAsshole’ is a shit password?
Yes, but don't worry about it. Only worry about whether it makes sense.
IWTCIRD would be too obvious but I want to plough Twilight's asshole
Would it help the story if I started with a flashback to Twilight Sparkle and pals that established much of the world and their characters for first time readers?
Dawn aka Twilight Sparkle aka Mostly Twilight... I know what I'm doing with her now as I write this but I'm still not sure what the best thing to do with her is.
Though I like the idea of revealing this "Twilight Sparkle" is a clone with the real Twilight's soul summoned and sealed within her.
Clone Twilight was raised to be a sacrifice for the real deal and considers herself a failure because she cannot properly fuse with the Twilight spirit or make this Twilight spirit take over herself for anything except Avatar State fight scenes.
So this young Twilight can look inside herself to see an old wise miserable Twilight weighed down by regrets, she who doesn't want to be brought back to life at the cost of another and instead wants to guide this new pony into being herself, the hero, and the new element of magic.
So it's not gay character assassination like Old Luke.
Old Twilight is trapped inside the body of New Twilight like a Tailed Beast and doesn't want to take over.
But Sparky doesn't view her as a replacement goldfish for Twilight any more, because he has come to bond with Dawn and see her for the interesting mare she really is struggling to live up to great expectations. He sees her as more than something for dickings. Ha, dickens, great expectations, writer joke.
It also works as meta commentary. No matter how hard writers try to be in character their takes on Twilight and pals wont be Twilight just as the writers making the show cant write Twilight. Twilight exists in all of us.
Perhaps Sparky could be a fakeout protagonist and the most meaningful thing he ever did would turn out to be watching Twilight Sparkle save the day as he stares with his big muscles and big guns doing sweet fuck all.
Or perhaps the finale has New Twilight about to sacrifice herself to power the Magic World-Healing Wave Device and kill Gigasatan, God Of Griffons (who was behind everything all along and created griffoms plus he is a big monstrous satanic dino meteor currently mwahahahing in the sky) but then Sparky says "no, sacrifice is gay and I love you plus I know a better way" and resolves the problem by blasting Gigasatan in the face with the biggest gun until Gigasatan is dead, then he and his friends heal the world through their own hard work instead of relying on a sacrifice-powered piece of pre-war magical machinery Twilight built with good intentions (but a villain wanted to misuse it somehow and rejecting this easy option was the only way to stop that villain)
This is still kind of a total fucking mess but it's fun to write anyway and improve each revision.
I really like this, and have a similar progression planned. though I was sort of intending to go the sacrifice route. I understand the fundamental Jewishness of it, but I also feel it hits strongly on natural notes found in faiths like Christianity, shamanism, Shinto, etc. My current narrative takes most of its ques from ocarina of time though, with the world healing being central to the storys progression.
Fequestria dedicated so much runtime to the best intentions of the heroes going horribly wrong for no reason.
And then one thing made to let one Pegasus manage the weather so more Pegasi could serve on the front lines ended up not being used for evil and instead used by the hero to undo the cloud covering, spontaneously making Edgequestria a nicer place where eventually the new Elements Of Harmony met up and did a big world-healing wave with the Gardens Of Equestria without LP.
now the weather throne had a magic thingy on it so not even a poner holding RD's severed head or LP with a RD statuette could enter.
RD decided this weather machine should require a live user instead of "a machine that thinks it's a pony"
And then Spike's fire is used to teleport LP into the weather throne that makes her Weather God Supreme. It's treated like a big sacrifice but she can leave the machine and go shag Homage at will.
none of this thematically works.
But if both these potentially world saving devices were perverted for evil (enclave uses the device to maintain the cloud cover, and the EOH was polluted by the Alicorn Amulet or something) and both had to be destroyed to remove evil's control over these methods to control the world, and then the heroes rebuild Equestria without needing absolute power (to contrast the villains who crave absolute power and dominance) it works as a pro-freedom story about dealing with past mistakes and overcoming them.
And rejecting authoritarians, especially libtards who think ponykind is insufficiently perfect for leftism therefore they have to achieve godhood to force it onto ponies.
With my story I want to say "fuck big government and fuck the idea that thrusting good poners into power will magically make them qualified to rule, the best thing a ruler can do is let freedom reign supreme, also fuck libtards and jews".
Fequestria simply avoided giving LP the Elements of Harmony for the sake of making LP too special for them while exploiting vulnerabilities in the misconception-filled lamestream bronyfag cumsoomer's mind about what "too much sueness" is and is not.
My story would reject using the Elements Of Harmony because born-perfect chosen ones coming along to magic all the world's problems better is the easy way out. My story would reject the idea of waiting for a chosen one and be about doing what's right no matter who or what you are. The Twilight clone literally only exists because somepony didn't feel like waiting around to be saved but also wanted to clone shitloads of girls trying to synthesize the perfect Twilight spirit host. Or maybe just clone one Twilight, because the thought of a big lab mass producing failed Twilights sounds too morally questionable for The Twilight Protocol's Architect to be a good guy.
Anyway that theme of doing what's right and choosing freedom over power...
That seems like a good counterargument to Fequestria's hypocritical leftist nonsense about poners randomly bouncing between using the all powerful surveillance state tower for birthday gifts and imitating random bad deeds Fallout's Weimerica did like "having internment camps" (which ironically are more like rapefugee camps complete with poners living there wondering why ziggers keep doing drugs and wishing cops policed zigs harder).
I also thought about including a Littlepip parody in my story who starts out being an obnoxious cunt and keeps getting worse, eventually getting pissed at the hero for solving some moral dilemma with the pragmatic "everyone gets to go home happy" option instead of the violence LP craves. LP quits and becomes a raging murderhobo who is (just like the short-sighted Red Eye parody) effortlessly manipulated by the cool Enclave character replacing General Fagfeathers. Enclave badass fuses with the two retards hoping to create the alicorn necessary for obtaining the absolute power all three craved all along. General Warhawk, Pink Eye, and Littleshit all fuse. They become a god that loses to the heroes because even if a deity came down and offered to satisfy all of humanity's needs and end all wars and suffering with the snap of its divine fingers in return for servitude and worship there would be men and women (or at least men) brave enough to refuse to kneel down and cry, brave enough to reject the easy answers of lies and say "No fuck you, square up thot, mankind ill needs a saviour such as you, I'm going to kill you with the power of friendship and this gun I found".
A false god dedicated to putting human brains in perpetual cum-motion machine jars, or trapping the souls of the dead in a big supercomputer simulating pony heaven with infinite resources, or making pomies smile and nut themselves while serving the false god and building it monuments, or any other method of removing all the real world questions that get in the way of the leftist fantasy of a "lovingly" dominated race of "orderly" human slaves?
Mankind ill needs a saviour such as that.
Does anyone know where to watch original series?
Is runtime the best word to use for the story?
What really pisses me off is how the good(tm) outcome of good(tm) characters are taken for granted by the characters and setting if they aren't canon.
The mane six couldn't save Equestria but a bloodthirsty backstabbing Griffon mercenary willing to sacrifice her own kids without complaint was able to rebuild it just by killing enough Red Eye goons with LP's help.
Initially I planned to make Sparky the son of a good poor man who became a champion boxer but was killed by the cops after accidentally killing a steroid-using cheater in the ring, and a good rich woman who rejected the age-old cultish rich-prick family traditions and chose marrying for love over money even if it meant giving up her pleasures and her own life, she died during childbirth even though the doctors said "giving birth to this child will kill you so let us kill it".
I was thinking
What if instead Sparky's dad was dead but his mom was a boomer libtard bitch who ends up murderered by a nigger gang, solidifying the hero's resolve to leave this jewed floor and go to an isolationist christian enclave that rejects mass migration and multiculturalism and therefore has no nigger problems?
Oh also surely a scene where Sparky is yelled at by his bitch boss (and doing all the work) while forced to paint a mural praising divershitty would be deep and symbolic right?
Wait no, putting a scene like that into the story too early would turn away every brony who loves divershitty before they can bond with a character and then hate the libtards who screw him/her over with divershitty.
If that was the goal maybe making the hero a chad who fucks strangers and Twilight was a mistake. Maybe I should have made the hero a wimpy little pussy who'd have more in common with the average fimfic user. Or perhaps a generic wannabe-masculine lesbian bitch the average fimfic user would get horny for.
Initially I was thinking the protagonist should work two jobs: Doing all the work at a tech fixing company full of retards who hate him and being a prostitute.
But maybe that's turning viewers away for being too weird.
What if he worked on a construction site for 14 hours a day, moving heavy cement bags while having to pretend to respect the sheep women around him who pretend to work (while they literally contribute less than 12 year old boys also on the construction site)?
The sheep women could be all "waaah i broke a nail" and "I don't need you to mansplain to me how this machine works - *misuses the machine and breaks shit* - I blame you"
I thought the tech support job would be the perfect place to dump exposition worldbuilding about how important technology in the world works. Plus he could overhear chatter from other workers about society.
But if I'm going to have the protagonist get something better than a PipBuck and Battle Saddle before throwing those pieces of shit in the trash do I really need the "Sparky talks to an entitled racist wolf-hating horny abusive karen about pipbucks" scene when it would take fewer words to write Sparky trying to focus on paperwork while sheep coworkers argue over whether the PipBuck 3000 or 6000 is better?
Even I suffer under this because I have also these tendencies of taking the easy way out. I hope to change that.
Taking the easy way out? What do you mean?
To be more precise. >What if he worked on a construction site for 14 hours a day, moving heavy cement bags while having to pretend to respect the sheep women around him who pretend to work (while they literally contribute less than 12 year old boys also on the construction site)?
Yes, then what? Without knowing what you want to do with the scene I have no idea how to give you advice to improve it.
And this is also the same thing you did with your Silver Star story. You posted it and expected everyone to shower it in praise because it preached to the choir.
Okay, so I'll give my best and most honest advice. Just write the scene dude. There's little to nothing for me to add. Seems like a fine scene, just do it.
I guess I could be to harsh again but if you take what I said with some grain of salt then it might be good for you because I do actually believe there is some wisedom to my words.
I don't know why my ID keeps changing but this is me.
Are you using a VPN? I do, so my ID changes a lot
With the story's opening scenes I want to set up:
the setting(why ponies have guns, why the ponies are being ruled by nigger sheep, why everyone's in a survival apocalypse bunker bigger than New York, why libtards called "Nobles" rule the bunker, why the hero is serving libtards who are making a peaceful life impossible)
the main characters (Main dude and Clonelight Spare-kle)
their flaws (hero is a self-loathing cowardly horndog and Twilight has self-doubt)
their arcs (Wannabe Twilight becomes herself, Wannabe Hero becomes a hero by growing)
the story's destination (first the hero finds a homeland worth fighting for and fights to save the bunker, but an evil Samson Option-style backup plan by the Nobles makes the bunker unliveable in one last act of vengeance, forcing the heroes to go out and find a special McGuffin that will make the bunker liveable again. Then a danger threatens the world so severely, only killing those responsible for the war (Griffons) and products of edgequestria trying to repeat the past's mistakes (Giant fusion fag) can save the day.>>328687
No VPN, just a wifi router and two wifi extenders bridging the gap between it and my PC.
Like, what you actually want to do is to woo us with a grand story, I know this because that's what I want to do too. But these questions you want advice on...
I guess I'm just projecting and I have no proof of this but to me these questions are not asked by you because you want them answered but because you some fleeting moment of human contact but also because you like your creative genius to be put on pedestal where it belongs. I am the same way. There's nothing to be ashamed of here. Wanting people to talk to and wanting respect are not bad things but I don't have the right words for it but... but...
These questions are dumb. Like this one:>What if instead Sparky's dad was dead but his mom was a boomer libtard bitch who ends up murderered by a nigger gang, solidifying the hero's resolve to leave this jewed floor and go to an isolationist christian enclave that rejects mass migration and multiculturalism and therefore has no nigger problems?
Yes, what if? Do you see what I'm saying? There's no real advice I can give to this piece here. Prove me wrong. Which again loops back to it just being there so you can rant about some aspect of things you don't like.
Honestly, it just hit me that the best advice I could think of to give you, if you're writing a F:E story is to do so isolated from the F:E story. Your story doesn't have to be a critique of Fallout Equestria (the story) instead make up your own universe from scratch through the same crossover.
The same thing goes for all this redpilling in your stories. Like, many things. Instead of tackling every single aspect of what you don't like through some self-insert character mc, tackle one of the social issues for one story and make a character that is specifically made to promote the moral of your story.
For example, if you were to write a story with a moral that was, "Affirmative action is bad," then it would be easier for you to not make it a huge clusterfuck of ideas but also the mc could be more focused as well. Instead of having Silver Star 3.0, you could have a character that makes sense for this fic and this fic alone.
So for my example, I imagine a mare character, which clearly isn't my self insert btw, who thinks that affirmative action is great because mares have been suppressed and shit. Through affirmative action she gets a job which she is not qualified for. She constantly makes a fool of herself and causes everyone around her harm. She rationalizes all this as oppression and then switches job without having learnt a thing and that's how the story ends.
See how this character isn't me and I don't feel a need to place me great wisedom into her at every moment for her to spout it on a soap box? She is just a character that I'd use for the purpose of telling a story.
So this might be needlessly mean at times. Again, you don't actually have to listen. I can't make you do anything anyway.
I don't know why I'm so cranky. Sorry. I could voice my views in a less destructive manner.
Actually, no. While these questions are still kinda pointless, Since what answers do you expect to get on them anyway?
having good starter questions isn't a requirement for starting discussion on the subject of writing improvement.
So I apologize and retract some of what I said.
I don't wanna do this anyway. I want to write. So that's what I should spend my time on.
If I wanted to be praised as a "genius" I would find a large crowd of easily impressed faggots and change my name and write something full of homosexuality and pseudointellectual pandering and cringe bronyisms designed to be popular, not good or fun to write.
As it stands Sparky's mother is, as he puts it in a chapter I'm writing, nothing but a pretty face in his father's old photographs.
But what if his mother was not a stranger but something more kids of my generation experienced growing up: a narcissistic libtard boomer?
If she gets what she deserves from divershitty it tells the audience "divershitty kills its allies".
It would display the futility of the leftist status quo.
And help motivate the hero to hate the left enough to start killing as the audience cheers him on.
You know how many stories depict truly vile antagonists yet still feel the need to give the hero a personal reason to get involved with the story and want the villain stopped? That's common in stories about heroes who grow and rise to the challenge of the hero's journey. It's not enough for the hero to want to protect his homeland "because I am one of the idiots who lives in it", there also needs to be some pretty little princess to save or adopted daughter to save or fallen friend/family member to avenge. So I should probably put it in mine since it is probably important. Niggers kill his libtard mother and she dies screaming "I'm on your side!" just in time for him to arrive with niggers in the house, a dead mom, a gun or melee weapon on him, and a fight forced onto him, but after he wins he has to escape because the cops love making an example out of whites who fight back. He escapes to the christian place (or they reach out to him when he's thrown into a gulag and they help him escape) and lives happily there growing as a man and learning responsibility until the baddies come to war on it or something.
christians win a defensive war, sheep lose and get wiped out, the sheep sabotage the Stable at the last second to force the hero to leave the vault to get The Holy McGuffin of Stable Repairing, giving him an excuse to go out into the wasteland and see shit and interact with settlements with their own ideas about how to rebuild after the end.
I like your example but I think the ending would hit harder if she attempted something big she thought she was ready for and failed, killing someone innocent. Like a big risky surgery she wasn't ready to do successfully. She should have it drilled into her that she is not ready and was never qualified to begin with. The audience should feel cheated out of a feel-good underdog story and look back at the heroine's behaviour to realize she was the bad guy all along choosing to view everyone else's behaviours through lenses of imagined oppression. Then again that might be too extreme. I'm still no expert at this.
Come to think of it FE gave LP a narcissistic alcoholic mother but she never really mattered to the character or story. She was just there to imply LP was small due to alcohol damage and give Velvet Remedy someone to shout at for considering herself traumatized. (sure the heroes have seen some absurdly fucked up shit but having the "invincible" bunker you grew up in penetrated by outsiders from an irradiated shithole and surviving an attack that claimed the lives of ponies you knew is probably still pretty fucking traumatic). But this character, while still so unimportant she would barely have a name, would tie into the "fuck leftists and divershitty" theme and die to push the plot along. She wouldn't be super fleshed out and wouldn't need to be. Scenes with her alive give Sparky a chance to see another shit woman in a shit stable and scenes with him still mourning her death realistically show his humanity.
Although I don't like the idea of making this guy related to this alcoholic bitch.
Why would a chad like his boxer dad want her?
Maybe if Sparky's real mom died giving birth to him and the alcoholic cunt was an evil stepmom figure? That's a classic fiction cliche, everyone loves it.
I know what I should have given my protagonist.
An annoying bratty little brother.
Some innocent kid.
If Sparky is sent to a school to bring his kid brother back home, I get to do a scene where he sees the kid being brainwashed. Then saves his kid brother from bullies outside the school.
Then the kid warms up to his older brother or is all "I didn't want or need your help! I don't want them to think I'm weak" so Sparky can give a good "good men do not concern themselves with the opinions of sheep" speech.
I think it would enhance the story if Sparky started off having a family but the niggers killed it. Then Sparky's new family became racist christian ponies.
So didnt read. I know the 'those that deal with my bullshit are respectable' social method has weeded out bad contacts, but there comes a point that youre being excessive. You have passed that point.
I havent written in months
I haven't interacted with pones (besides thanking Luna for the moon) in years
I haven't been on mlpol for the past 7 months
And worst of all the internet is FUCKING boring, my brain is melting, the lack of mental stimulus is mind-numbing I can't with normies.
I wanna come back. Can I write something for you guys, I want you to judge me. Throw me a themee or a character and I'll work my magic.
>>328807>Sunset and Cadance are both students of Celestia's at the same time. >Maybe Cadance hasn't yet ascended or maybe she has.>She might still be a pegasus.>How is their relationship?
Initially I wanted Sparky's half-lion nature to give him some sick Skyrim Dragon Shout powers he learns over the course of the story.
But instead of dungeon-diving for these magic words like "Strong" and "Weak" and "Fear" and "Fire", they would be manifestations of concepts and lessons he learns during the story.
Plus making the hero a LionCorn makes him visually distinct compared to all those faggots in vault suits and leather armour.
But now I'm thinking making the hero of ponykind a filthy half-breed might ruin the story's racist themes.
What if the hero was a half-dog Unicorn, and going to the Racist Christian Pony Floor and getting baptised in anti-Mutagen turned him into a full Unicorn able to get magic lessons and perform real magic?
Though I still want to keep the "He learns magic from his experiences rather than books" angle. It would be too easy for him to find a library full of all the useful spells and become OP.
I've got an idea
What if Sparky got these glasses that gave him a videogame style HUD that highlighted libtards visually, so whenever he looks at a person he sees what crimes they got away with? This could help the audience understand that the bad guys are bad.
While it is nice having stories portrayed christianity in a good light, I don't know if I'd make christianity a thing in the world of ponies. Does the ponies somehwo know of christ? Is there a jesus pony? I rather that you made harmony or something like that along with the Princesses into deities or something. Something of the world you're writing in.
This made up religion could basically be christianity but fit into the universe.>>328699
Yeah, I was just making an example but indead that mc could cause more damage to emphasize how affirmative action doesn't make sense. But I didn't think too much about it since those things are more the details of things of it rather than the concept.
There was a time when Cadence and Shimmer both studied under Celestia's wing, long before princess twilight was born, these two would rock Celestia's patience, almost making her bald!
Let me teach ya' of a few stories I myself saw with me own two ays'
Once a time' Cadence came to my shop...
A fine-looking mane of pink fur determined to enter a pet shop to get herself an exotic creature no one else had in the kingdom.
After a few words with the shopkeeper, she went through all of the animals he had, from serpents and dogs to manticores and cockatrices, she had seen them all.
—This can't be! Does no one has a creature i have never seen?! —The mare exclaimed, planting both hooves on the counter-top
—There's one last creature, madame, yet i am not sure i want to show you —Said the shopkeeper.
—Oh please show me, i beg you! —Replied the mare
And so the shopkeeper walked to the back of the shop, behind thick red curtains and came back with a small cage. Within the cage was an animal the mare had never seen before!
The animal had no eyes, no legs,no nose and no ears, it looked like perfectly fluffy ball of fur.
—What...What is this? —The mare inquired, the look on her face reflecting the uncertainty of her tone.
—This, madame is a Fluffbourgeois —Replied the shopkeeper.
—And what does it do? —Asked the mare, now giving the shopkeeper a puzzled look.
—Madame, please watch —Said the shopkeeper.
And so the shopkeeper stared intently at the fluffbourgeois and exclaimed:
And so the fluffbourgeois flew across the room and hit the door with the strength of a thousand bricks, leaving it in shambles before quickly returning to its cage.
—Fluffbourgeois, wall! —Exclaimed the shopkeeper.
Not wasting a second, the fluffbourgeois flew again and hit the wall like a thousand bricks, bringing it down with a solid hit before sitting back in on his cage.
—I'll take it —Said the mare with a smile, already taking out a few bits from her saddlebag.
—Alright, if you're sure...—Replied the shopkeeper.
As the mare made her way to the exit, the shopkeeper couldn't help but ask:
—Madame, what the flying fuck are you going to do with a fluffburgeois?
With a smile, the mare replied:
—Lately, i have had trouble with a schoolmate, so I'll place the fluffburgeois on my desk. When she arrives, she'll ask "Cadence, what the heck is that" for which i'll reply "You see, shimmer, it's a furburgeois" and she will look at me and say "Furburgeois my ass!".
Sorry anon, i dropped the show before i got to Sunset, but i hope you enjoy this lil story.
I Want to Start Writing. I've Written Very Little, so i'm not Very Good. Anyone have a Simple Prompt?
Celestia finds out anonfilly/anon has been stealing from her secret cake stash for unknown reasons.
Based. Should i do it as a Green or no?
If you feel you canWas gonna stay and wait for the quad 8s, but Id rather post this and tick it closer to see what happens
I wouldn't call it Christianity outright. Most bronies are Americans and they've been raised to hate it.
If a pony said "Jesus fucking Christ" it would be more jarring than Christian Sonic fanart.
Almost as jarring as when Littlepip cries "Luna's shitting maregasms!" or "Luna clop my clit with her hoof!"
But a pony exclaiming "By The Light!" or "In the name of the moon!" sounds even more normal than "By Odin's beard!".
I'd call this religious force The Light or The Holy Church Of The Divine Trinity's Dawn or The Divine Way or Astralism or Foukandalz some bullshit like that.
The kind of generic vague fantasy religion followed by Priests and Paladins and Inquisitors and Crusaders in countless fantasy settings.
Light good, Light says be good, light objectively exists and gives the Light Warriors power to defeat the darkness, perfect for any vaguely european fantasy setting.
When it comes to the name "church", the aesthetics, the moral values, the moral lessons passed down from The Holy Light that whispered its truth to ponykind long ago only for the old ways to be rediscovered, maybe even holy creatures of light from the Elemental Plane Of Light whispering to the pure that their souls can be saved if they walk the path of heroism and truth, that would be just christian enough without the need for any specific talk of Ass Bones or Sodom.
Sure, green is fun
The 2006 film Children Of Man made a white male hero the protagonist because the goal was to propagandize them. Other groups were depicted "positively" when they laid down their lives for divershitty.
Fallout Equestria made the thirty-something's self-insert OC a small female because hornily staring at bitch ass and simping so hard for two whores you literally kill for them is supposedly cute when you're a tiny and helpless widdle wesbian...
Of course she't not helpless at all, she's an overpowered cheat character and being shot doesn't even slow her down in a setting where health potions and OP guns practically grow on trees. She also has boxcar-lifting telekinesis strong enough to make bulletproof shields from water and precise enough to pick locks she cannot see.
(speaking of which the entire "LP serves Red Eye arc was a retarded excuse to reference shit from Fallout 3. If Kkat had at least half a brain he would have had LP forced to figure out new solutions to new problems without her friends and OP gear and all those new solutions would come in handy when escaping. Pulling all 3 heretoforth-unseen abilities out of her useless fuckhole to lockpick locks from the inside without lockpicking tools and levitate herself and a friend and levitate liquid into a bulletproof shield was pure bullshit)
Dishonesty and a carefully considered but faulty mental calculus drove Kkat to fucking point-buy this character. He wanted her to be OP enough to beat his fetishy clusterfuck of a Fallout 3 retelling with amplified monsters but not so OP it would turn audiences away.
My goal is to create an actual good story. The story of several unwanted outcasts suffering from jewed society in different ways learning of Christ and accepting Harmony's light. It's not a tale of power. It's a tale of growth.
But does that matter if the target audience of anyone willing to pick up and read a story named "Fallout Equestria: InsertWordHere" only wants to read about "plucky" OP lesbian simps with a god complex?
Maybe I should write a crowd-pleasing prequel starring Twilight Sparkle. Full of Hollywood cliches executed competently. A buddy cop film where Twilight and some cool dude solve a crime and they start off hating each other but then they love each other then he dies for her. Then at the last second it turns out this was the Twilight Clone all along as seen in my FE story. There's a post story scene in the end where Not Nick Fury tells Not Twiiight to go and get Sparky in the Church. There's a warehouse full of orphan-powered Twilight clone vats and she was a clone who escaped. Also Twilight literally rides a motorcycle over a shark during a fight with one with frickin laser beams on its head. That's retarded enough for them to call it a hilarious reference right?
You know what's cool about the arm mount and thumb ring? All of this could be securely strapped around a pony limb. Just flick your hoof in a way you'd never do when walking, and the gun emerges, ready for action, ready to be aimed anywhere. Flick your wrist again to fire, or flick your wrist differently to retract the weapon. IRL horses couldn't run on three legs efficiently but lighter smaller cartoon ponies could probably pull it off after enough practice.
My zipper's open
My cock's what I'm choking
I've even forsaken my race
For now is the season
To discard all reason
And nut on Twilight Sparkle's face
A glorious ass
But I'm not just crass
Her mane is what I long to feel
Human puss I spite
As my dick stands upright
The only thing I know for real
There will be nut! Shed!
In that video Twilight's giving head
Twilight will be! Bred!
I'll ride upon that feathered back
Because mounting's all that's left I can take
OH NO THERE WILL BE NUT! SHED!
IT'S THE ONLY THING I'VE EVER BLOWN!
Losing all my dignity
Fearing I might not succeed
I'll fuck the horse in front of me
I must fill Twilight with seed
As we're fucking at this deadly height
Over Ponyville, it's raining white!
Hey what if my character went to a bar/nightclub/party or whatever, saw that rabbit girl he fucked fucking others, and felt bad because she's a whore who will fuck anyone?
Or maybe she's getting gang-raped and he saves her?
Hey, what if you wrote your entire story by throwing out ideas and basing your product on what everyone else says and have no responsibility for figuring out a compelling story? Wouldnt that be 'cool'?
Hey, what if you stopped embarrassing yourself by yelling whiny cheap unoriginal uninspired mindless wannabe-sarcasm whenever you felt like it, and stopped claiming I never ask for or listen to advice/criticism whenever you felt like it?
What if you got over your cognitive dissonance and then got over your years-old grudge against better men than you?
You're so boring.
It's always the same bullshit with you, over and over and over again.
And you never understand why I don't care about you.
No matter how many times you tell me your opinion of me, I will never care about you or respect you or respect what you have to say, because you're not a respectable person.
You're not an authority on writing, health, morality, or anything else.
You don't even have the balls to make these spiteposts without your VPN on, mr (1) post by this ID.
Why don't you ever change things up?
It would surprise me if you said something intelligent for a change.
But since that's impossible for you, could you be different in some other way?
Maybe if you tried your worthless negging shit in a different language, or tried to change your posting style?
Maybe you could type your sentences backwards for a post or two, and see if that makes me care about them.
In fact, what if we swapped places for a day?
You try creating something for a change, and I'll laze around masturbating to pass the time between chances to desperately try to start beef with a man who moved on without me years ago!
Oh, wait a second.
We can't do that after all.
We can't swap places because you can't change as a person.
And I can't do anything as pathetic as your hobby, because I'm not you!
I genuinely don't know how you're able to keep going in such a state without feeling a shred of shame.
Don't you ever crave something more meaningful in life?
Now comes the part where you claim you're the real winner here because you made me spend more time responding to you than you spent thinking of and writing your post, right?
Give me a break.
>>329160>you dont have the balls
I literally just got finished giving you props in the GG thread. You claim Im unhinged with a ridiculous complex against you cuz reasons; you're half right, I hate that you think you can phone in your writing and expect people to suck your dick cuz you threw out a random idea and cant be bothered to actually analyze it yourself so you attempt to delegate to the board.
But, I rather enjoy that/when you attempt to stonewall when you get called out, so I guess see you next time.
So just how close are you two?
>>329174>lel, Im gonna pretend I didnt just get dickslapped, cuz that would be emasculating
Keep producing your totally-not-self-service-big-titty-anime-'game' while 'saving the white race' and promoting christian values (with big titty anime women,... theres no conflict therr I swear)
Is it really "dickslapping" for Ninjas to reveal "Psych! I'm actually a staff membet! I was only pretending to be that guy!" like it's some big "gotcha" moment?
By the way, it's funny you should mention that game. You see,
I havent been staff for almost a year. Deflect and stonewall moar fgt, stop trying to delegate your 'ebin creative process' to horsefuckers who dont give a fig what happpens to you and your self-claimed 'development project'.
For clarity, since you cant grasp differing cell nodes
>>329178>Keep producing your totally-not-self-service-big-titty-anime-'game' while 'saving the white race' and promoting christian values (with big titty anime women,... theres no conflict therr I swear)
It is against the nature of this board to imply that once cannot do both, tbh. Hobbies are not mutually exclusive with productive efforts.
So youre saying that a person can be A. saving the white race and opposing degeneracy and B. write a story about a big tittied anime who gets fucked a bunch of times?
Well, it's already Christmas time, as promised, it's my first fanfic attempt but i think it's atleast enjoyable to some degree, hope you guys like it.>No greentext
I know, sorry about thathttps://ponepaste.org/6273
Am new to this, explain urself
I know the structure is fucking garbage but that's why am here
tl;dr One cant legitimately oppose degeneracy while writing frivilous - and Im quoting - big titty anime sex fantasies
Well uh...i...i guess so, tho i don't think it's worth the infighting
I agree. And if a particular sperg could take some well-intentioned (and only moderately shitposty) parody/criticism without going off the rails with character assassinatins, gaslighting, schitzo-paranoia, et al, we could avoid these episodes.
>>329339>Complaining about double-think on the horsefucker politics board
Who even cares?
How is that any different from doing it with ponies?
That's a false dichotomy. Your hobbies do not have to reflect your politics.
this fuckin guy lmao
You know what? Yeah sure whatever, I'm the bigger guy (for you) and you can think whatever you want. Do you have anything to contribute that might improve the story?
For the sake of the Hearths Warming Spirit calculate the maximum effects you are in the midst of doing. The cold calculus of horsery when done correctly should revel the way foward>>329381
No by taking his stance the way he does he stands by his actions about reducing all degeneracy by not being a secondary accomplice in the creation of >big titty sex fantasies<aka degeneracy
The stance you are taking is stabbing your face to spite your foot.
Just stop assuming because your assumptions are off the mark and have been for quite some time.>By taking this stance he gets to look "too based for porn"
Tion>without helping me write better stories that oppose degeneracy, or better big titty anime sex fantasies.
Already covered why someine who already gave advice years ago, spurned, then demaned to have more advice but dressed in the latest lingo is a no win situation.>By the way I was away for a while, did I miss anything?<Completely irrelevant, answered by the most minute lurking.
Why haven't you absorbed the connection between the poster and his posts? Why? Why!? why>>329393>>329394
This is a political horse fucker board. All the ways to make both possibilities true and correct along with all the ways to make it immoral and dastardly come to mind.
Be more mentally limber.
It is a person becoming one with ideals and causes. Aligned physically and mentally in what they believe
It's knowing what goes on in the head and body and soul. All the possibilities.
Rainbow Dash Cum Jar man is by nearly all metrics by outside observers to be just another regular person.>>329395
Why would he go against his principles again and be burned again?
What isn't being said is just as important.
Merry Horsemas I brought the gift of assholery.
-t. Moral Degenrate Anon erasing root problems.
That reminds me, do you have any ideas that could improve the story itself?
Learn and develop an actual creative process.
Your process appears to be 'think of an idea and pitch it' without any effort to determine if you can write that idea effectively.
Its been said before, it virtually doesnt matter what the story is, it matters how you execute.
The first problem is that your characters are poorly written and come across as caricatures,which makes it effectively impossible to identify with them.>inb4 lel ur supposed to
No, you're not. Even your villains should be comprehensible and understandable, in so much as you illustrate to the audience. Reading a shit, Stupid-Evil antagonist doesnt make me want to see the hero win, it makes me want to set the book on fire and then lob it under your house.
The problem is, you're already
conceptually invested in this writing project and you assume everyone else is or will be, and if you throw out ideas that you like, people will resonate. You might get a handful, but you also might have to hear them talk about how great FoE was.Stop being lazy. Stop asking people what will make it better. Stop delegating your creative process. Wanna learn how to write better? Take a masterclass. Appeal to an actual authority to learn from. READ AN ACTUALLY GOOD BOOK. Ffs there's how much critically valuable educational material available online and youre asking a bunch of nazi horsefuckers? And then you have the temerity to play the victim when your obvious and glaring laziness is called out?>inb4 lel he mad
Disgust, is the word. Im disgusted. DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH
Whoops, that should read
>lel, you're not supposed to
Yes, you are
Okay, I'm gonna pitch you a replacement theory. Your critique would help a lot.
Changelings represent the brony fandom and queen Chrysalis is actually Lauren Faust. At the end of season two, when brony fandom was at its peak, changelings invade canterlot, just before Faust's final departure from the show. The main goal of Chrysalis was not to defeat Celestia, but to replace everyone with her drones while the originals are safely kept in chrystal cocoons and spared from being corrupted by hasbro's corporate overlords. A long time ago, Chrysalis, formelly Fausticorn - Celestia's mother, has met her future minions and accepted them. She didn't accuse them of their twisted ways. She simply accepted them. This head canon draws a parallel with Faust visiting 4chan. Despite site's notorious infamy and bad reputation among normies, Faust made herself known there. This is the day Fausticorn was reborn as a queen of all changelings. A queen of all bronies - good and bad alike. And so began the ultimate process of replacing every single pony in equestria with it's respective doupleganger. In "putting your hoof down" you begin noticing ponies acting strangely off character, like when Bon-bon hurts fluttershy. Yoou also notice copies of ponies being scattered in the background.
At the end of season 2, when changelings attack canterlot, you see mane six fighting with themselves. This fight is a breaking point for the show since there is no telling whether or not each member of mane six is real after that. They could have been easily replaced without anyone ever knowing.
And so they were.
With later seasons you see ponies becoming less of what they were and more of a copy, a parody. This was Chrysalis's plan all along. Every bit of information, every bit of fanart, is just a copy of what once was Faust's own creation.
But changelings have betrayed chrysalis.
Apparently they don't feed from Faust's love. They give their love back. Changelings have reformed and took their place as the originals once and for all. Chrysalis couldn't take it. She will never accept this. She will never allow the copy to asume it's the original. That's why she cries when Starlight offers her peace.
This is a tragic story of one individual creating a fandom only to be betrayed and forgotten. Afterall, Chrysalis was never reformed.
The only problem I see with this theory is that faust visits 4chan on May 27th 2013 whereas season 2 concludes on april 21 2012. Maybe 4chan visit is more of a debriefing then?
Anyway, this is just a dumb idea on my mind. Feel free to call me a faustfag.
you might want to work a bit on your world building. The difference between a story and a wall of text is that a story has a deep sense of structural coherency. One action leads to another, which leads to conflict, drama, something that a reader will want to care about. If you are a novice author, I recommend writing very simple short stories using simple words. This way it will be much easier to see the structure of your story as well as ways to improve on it.
Start a story with something like this.
>Long time ago, in the paradise known as Equestria, two sisters ruled the kindom, the first beings to ever discover magic. Many outsiders that scatter the scorched remaines of what once was a heavenly place often like to recall its wonders. How you could be surrounded in a vaccum of happiness, free from any dread that you so often find dragging you down.
>What they don't know is that magic for which ponies are known became the exact reason of their demise.
It's a bit dark sided but the premice is all there. It creates intrigue that raises a line of questions in your head. What the heck happened? Are we in the future? And so on.
Hey there! Thanks for the feedback.
I have a couple more chapters already written that i think expand a little more on that, i knew from the first chapter i was probably bitting off more than i could chew, i'll try polishing the other chapters to post again tomorrow.
That way anons can spot recurring issues.
I don't think it's unreasonable for me to go to a place for writing advice and say "would it improve my story if I did x?". That's my goal here, to improve the story.
I will admit... I am completely new to writing propaganda. That's why I'm asking questions with people more familiar with propaganda.
I figured it would improve the "dont be degenerate" message if the cowardly lion hero went from a halfbreed prostitute who is sometimes molested and sometimes fucks strangers to a racially purified war hero whose dick is exclusively Twilight's.
If the hero never fucked at the story's start, he would sacrifice nothing by deciding to give up sluttiness and embrace marriage.
This sounds like something good for the story's message.
For the average brony, fucking Twilight Sparkle is the ultimate ideal. Even if you prefer some other personality or set of shapes and colours you can't deny Twilight is the top dog. Aside from Celly who regularly loses to foes Twilight beats and Luna who lost to Twilight and Celestia.
At the same time I was thinking... in real life you can't just get baptized in normal water to undo all your sins. Or rewrite your genes.
So maybe I should do a rewrite where the hero was pure pony all along and not a prostitute slut who sleeps with strangers.
Although I still want something awful to happen to that slutty bunny character at least once.
I can't decide if she should be a hero who accepts her body's limitations and finds ways to be useful anyway (Scout? Housewife? Courier? Farmer?) or a retarded slut who fucks strangers until one kills her. Maybe a tranny kills her for saying no to his mangled genitals or something.
Maybe I'll add two slutty bunny characters, one who accepts God and rejects slutiness and becomes a housewife, and one who rejects God and gets molested by niggers then killed or killed by a tranny, or raped and then killed, or killed and then raped, that sounds good for the message.
If an important character got raped and then the rapist got out of jail time because he snitched on a heroic drug dealer character who exclusively deals in illegal entirely-beneficial drugs like ivermectin, would that help the audience dislike the ruling class and cheer the heroes on for choosing violent justice over trusting the police?
tlrd why?>would it improve my story if I did x?
The issue lies in two parts.
First, specific isolated examples that when changed could be technically superior to the previous version.
Second, everything has to be considered from multiple points of view.
The problem with part the first is that nothing is ever improved. That way just shifts and slides. There is no unity no unification of elements no grand building.
To improve one must break and then improve.>If the hero never fucked at the story's start, he would sacrifice nothing by deciding to give up sluttiness and embrace marriage.>prostitute who is sometimes molested and sometimes fucks
The sacrifice is the pay check. Addicted whore houses set up places of isolation to break all ties and support networks so that the drugged up whore has no choice but to exist and do as the owner demands. The other option for them is death or withdrawal or being bought out.
Participating in being chaste is a sacrifice.
Consider this example
Girl rides the cock carousel sometimes getting paid sometimes someone gets a free taste. Then when used, abused and meat long enough to substitute a roast beef sandwich she looks to _____ as the one true love.
One person denies that and one person accepts that. The thing is you have to account for the implied suggestions present especially for propoganda.
The How matters.
The difference between a great story and propaganda is execution. Usually the reasons start out different, but both linger well after. Propaganda fades and is spotted quickly and can be easily extinguished.
A great story exists regardless while having a bigger impact.
Second part. Audience sees fuck fucking being a bitch while getting pounded, suddenly gets top tier waifu pone.
Cunt bitching at the customer service guy while he bitches at the audience. Both are experienced.
The Why must be considered.
Below in green
is all A B Testing that's after you have a fucking story and the fiddly bits. It's most of the post. Just like Fallout Equestria is unable to be fixed by simply changing the coat of colors on creatures. Same thing applies here. You need symbolism, metaphors, higher more abstract story structures. The Hero's journey, then breaking into the decent into the belly of the whale, then breaking further to the context, then to rough situation, then to scenes, then to moments, then to sentences and words.
In Fallput Equestria I said there is no story, there is no characters, there is just a place you put whatever make believe crap you want into it and that is what you get out. By changing the color of the shit insetion gloves minimally changes the whole experience.
Bringing forth great things requires creating and stress testing. Much of which can be done by thinking about it and trying to break it every way you can as it is, and then in the environment and then wigh everything else.>I figured it would improve the "dont be degenerate" message if the cowardly lion hero went from a halfbreed prostitute who is sometimes molested and sometimes fucks strangers to a racially purified war hero whose dick is exclusively Twilight's.
If the hero never fucked at the story's start, he would sacrifice nothing by deciding to give up sluttiness and embrace marriage.
This sounds like something good for the story's message.
For the average brony, fucking Twilight Sparkle is the ultimate ideal. Even if you prefer some other personality or set of shapes and colours you can't deny Twilight is the top dog. Aside from Celly who regularly loses to foes Twilight beats and Luna who lost to Twilight and Celestia.
At the same time I was thinking... in real life you can't just get baptized in normal water to undo all your sins. Or rewrite your genes.
So maybe I should do a rewrite where the hero was pure pony all along and not a prostitute slut who sleeps with strangers.
Although I still want something awful to happen to that slutty bunny character at least once.
I can't decide if she should be a hero who accepts her body's limitations and finds ways to be useful anyway (Scout? Housewife? Courier? Farmer?) or a retarded slut who fucks strangers until one kills her. Maybe a tranny kills her for saying no to his mangled genitals or something.
Maybe I'll add two slutty bunny characters, one who accepts God and rejects slutiness and becomes a housewife, and one who rejects God and gets molested by niggers then killed or killed by a tranny, or raped and then killed, or killed and then raped, that sounds good for the message.
If an important character got raped and then the rapist got out of jail time because he snitched on a heroic drug dealer character who exclusively deals in illegal entirely-beneficial drugs like ivermectin, would that help the audience dislike the ruling class and cheer the heroes on for choosing violent justice over trusting the police?