/mlpol/ - My Little Politics


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Writefag Circle
Anonymous
161e2ce
?
No.299458
299459 299464 299478 300871
Welcome. This thread is for you Anons who wishes to improve your writing or just chill among Anons that do.
This is suppose to be a chill af thread. It's fine if it becomes a slider thread. I'll only make a new one of these if there is intrest.

>What is the need for this thread when we already have Glimglam's review thread and Anonfilly?
Compared to Glimglam's thread this thread is about what we Anons will or want to create. The only reviewing that might happened here is incidental, as in providing critic to some other work through comparison with the work at hand, and when one Anon tells another what his opinions of their work is.
This thread is first and foremost about producing stories.
This cannot be done in the Anonfilly thread since it is about Anonfilly first and foremost.

>Why a thread like this? Cannot we just have threads pop up organically because an Anon chose to post a green?
Yes, you are right. And this thread is absolutely not against other threads that circle around a singular story made by an Anon.
What this thread really is, is a form of support group for anyone wanting to write but are struggling with something in their writing process, like myself.
I thought it would be a good idea to talk to other Anons who also have similar goals about our stories and are struggling in creating them. Maybe, you struggle on something I don't and maybe I struggle on something you don't and therefore we can provide advice to each other on how to overcome our problems? Maybe some mysterious wise Anonsage lurks and our discussion prompts him to tell us his method he gained from meditating on top of K2 for five years without chicken tendies.

As stated before this is relaxed thread. If you like the thread, you don't have to pressure yourself into posting something to bump it. If anyone would like a continuation of it, I'll post a new one if it hits the archive. It's also okay to get off topic sometimes as well. I understand that conversations can lead to tangents and that it can be a relief finding someone else to talk to about things with, especially if few shares the perspective. If things get out of hand, I, or someone else, will ask you to kindly take this discussion to another thread or more fitting board, even perhaps. As an actual sugguestion, not a hidden insult. You and another Anon might discover something really intresting to talk about so why not create a thread about it?
Memetexts are, of course, welcomed.
Also, you don't have to share your problems if you don't want to. If you feel like telling us about your story that's enough. Story ideas can be really intresting to listen to and it might help you in return. Again, only do that if you want to.

So that's about it for the thread's header. The rest that follows is about me.

Right now, I thought about making the most simplest story I could think off. It's a simple hero's journey story. I do this because of two reasons. First off, I wanna know that I can start a project and see it to the end. I have only succeeded in finishing short stories before, you see, so this time I wanna try something longer. I also wanna keep it simple so that I don't get overwhelmed during the process of writing it.
Anonymous
161e2ce
?
No.299459
299464
>>299458
>This cannot be done in the Anonfilly thread since it is about Anonfilly first and foremost.
Or, rather becuase every story has to be about filly in the Anonfilly htread but here it can be about anything.
Anonymous
5ff6779
?
No.299464
299468
579351__tbc_placeholder.jpeg
The Emperor_s New Groove - You Threw Off My Groove.mp4
>>299458
>>299459
Thanks friend!
>Right now, I thought about making the most simplest story I could think off. It's a simple hero's journey story. I do this because of two reasons. First off, I wanna know that I can start a project and see it to the end. I have only succeeded in finishing short stories before, you see, so this time I wanna try something longer. I also wanna keep it simple so that I don't get overwhelmed during the process of writing it.
It's certainly something when it's done with the right mindset. That you did it! Along the way regrets and wanting to perfect it comes up, but I think the important part is doing it start to finish first.
My advice is to Just-Do-It. Anything related to the story that can be referenced every day. A short note, a character thing or a sentence or two. Or more. From my limited experience having an unexpected break can throw off one's groove.
I'm looking foward to what you've got.
Anonymous
161e2ce
?
No.299468
>>299464
>Along the way regrets and wanting to perfect it comes up, but I think the important part is doing it start to finish first.
I agree.
>Anything related to the story that can be referenced every day. A short note, a character thing or a sentence or two. Or more.
I'm not sure what you're trying to say, frien.

>I'm looking foward to what you've got.
I'm still working out the outline but I know what it is about, thematically. It will be a while before I have anything written. It mostly depends on how much I work on it. I don't have a scheduale for when I should write per week or day. In fact, I have hard to with focus and structure.
As the comic stripe you have attached, I won't be putting to much pressure on myself because I don't want to hate myself if I fail to preform.
Anonymous
01504c3
?
No.299470
299472
thumbs-up.jpg
Feelan really good about my current writefag project. Novella-length, non-pone. This might be the first one I seriously try to make money off of.
Anonymous
161e2ce
?
No.299472
299474
>>299470
Sounds great. Hope you succeed.
Not to put the cart before the horse but how do you intend to sell it? Like, there are many alternatives today. Well, I guess there are two: Online or through a publisher.
Anonymous
01504c3
?
No.299474
299475
>>299472
Publisher. There's one I've worked with who's enjoyed some short stories and poems I wrote, so I figure if I can write a longer work that's actually good there's a decent chance he'll take it. Small, independent publishers definitely seem like the best option for unknown writers in my opinion. Major publishing houses probably toss your manuscript straight into the trash if you're not a famous name or haven't sucked someone's dick, and self-publishing can lock you out of certain opportunities such as professional cover art and advertising, plus the fact that most book stores won't carry self-published works.

It sort of is putting the cart before the horse, but I do think that having a publisher in mind can actually help you while you're writing. That is to say, you can tailor your story to your prospective publisher's tastes and hopefully have a better chance of being accepted as a result.

But yeah, I've definitely got to actually hammer out the story before worrying too hard about all that.
Anonymous
161e2ce
?
No.299475
309151
>>299474
>There's one I've worked with who's enjoyed some short stories and poems I wrote
Cool.
You write poems? I find that and riddles really hard to make and, in regards to riddles, hard to solve. I just find it hard to rythme or find words that convey the meaning that I want but also rythme. That's actually one of the reasons why I was impressed by the first part of Doki Doki Literature Club. The guy had actually put the effort into writing poems in different styles for each character.

I have at times thought about finding a artist to partner up with. It would be cool if one could make a comic or something together with someone who can draw.
However, I try to keep my thoughts away from such dreams because I'm far away from that being a possibility.
Anonymous
927b04a
?
No.299478
299488
>>299458
Awesome idea. The only reason I still go to 4-leaf-clover-chan is for /lit/. Haven't been able to find anything comparable on alt chans, high hopes for here.
Anonymous
927b04a
?
No.299480
299488
Is it possible to write about an essay about my own thoughts or feelings about something without coming off preachy? Or am I forced to write an analogous but fictional story and hope people make the connection?
Anonymous
17759f5
?
No.299481
299496
Writing is hard. Sure, you can write, yet there is a hidden layer that puts things into perspective. When I read someone's work on fimfiction (one that hits one thousand likes, no less) I can definitely sense a distinct way of how the story reveals itself.

And to add a spoon of bitterness to this already spoiled broth, I am a foreigner so it's double the amount of pain whichever sentense is natural to write or not.

See what you did there? I added a figurative trope to make things interesting. Writing is a perfect combination of good wording and imaginative story telling. But it is also ten times more than that.

I think that the more time is spent practicing and inspiring one's imagination - the better it gets. Simular to writing, I remember my drawings seven years prior to this moment and I can say that my artistic talent got a bit better (they're still shit, but at least I am more aware of the most common mistakes). We all know the definition of insanity from farcry, but strangely so, it does help the more you resist to give up and continue doing the same thing over and over again.
Anonymous
161e2ce
?
No.299488
299494 299495 300997 302817
>>299478
Glad to hear it.
>>299480
>Is it possible to write about an essay about my own thoughts or feelings about something without coming off preachy?
I think I understand what you're saying but I'm not sure. Are you talking about writing an essay or about writing a story.
I have some thoughts on this matter but you should probably take them with a grain of salt since I haven't actually finished a novel-length story before.
I think the problem with stories that are written off as preachy, or essays for that matter but I'm first and foremost talking about stories here, isn't because they have a clear message. I think the problem is in the execution of these stories. Stories with a clear moral, like children stories or an mlp episode has to prove their moral through the story. I feel it is the same in this case. A story and its scenes are the argument(s) that prove the moral it presents to be correct.
I think the problem is when there is a character which opinion is the moral of the story. I guess it can work. However, a character like that will almost seem psychic or too good to be true. He or she can become a (G)Mary S(t)ue because of this.
Take Ian Malcom in Jurrassic Park. There is a scene when he talks to the asian doctor in charge of the labratory or whatever. In it the Doctor asks him if he is sugguesting that park filled with females will have offsprings. Malcom answers, "No, I'm simply saying, uhhh... Life will find a way."
In my opinion, this is too much and very odd. If I had been in Malcom's shoes right then, I would probably shrink back a bit. I mean he is actually saying that females will have offsprings unless he has read the script and knows that some of these dinos will become trans because how else will "life find a way"?
I, if I were Malcom and still felt sure about my position, would chew my lip and say, "Well, I don't think you can control this ot that extent but okay."
My point is that he seem like the author's favorite or like the author himself. It is almost like his words dictate the outcome of the movie rather than it begin something that happened as a consequence of the factors that are suppose to be the reason behind things.
I think some thing becomes "preachy" when a character soap box and the story vindicates them.
I think, again, that the point of a story is to prove its message to be true rather than to have it either explain to us why it is correct by a character or, as in worse, not explained at all just blurted out as obvious.

I believe there are more ways to go about all this though. An Anon on this site wrote a story called, "Castle of Vapor." I shill it whenever I can, that should tell you what I think about it.
It is good example of this though.
In it all characters are exaggerated for sarcasm and comdey purposes but also as social commentary. What I mean with exaggerated is not that people like this doesn't exist. It is more that its quite coincidental that the MC is such a sterotype and every other character he meets in the story is also a sterotype but this works in the story's favour. Since people can swallow an "edgy" and "rascist" joke and self-deprication is also appriciated that the ideas presented can be presented without there being a good way for anyone to boycote the story without comming off as a buzz kill. The ideas presented are clearly presented in parody manner but people cannot deny that there is some truth to these sterotypes that they are presented with becuase they know people in real life that are like this.
Things just kind of are in this story.
The MC lives in commieblock, gets wellfare checks while working partly as uber driver. His name is Tips Fedora and his only friends are two pony tulpas. He is a huge autist and he eats junk food.
The same kind of list like attributes can be written about the other characters of the story.
This constant irony mode that the story is set on actual helps to emphasize, through contrast, the one thing that does matter in the story: The friendship between MC and the hipster character. It is kinda of telling as it is the only thing that is no material and it is cleverly symbolized through a... dollar bill? I think. Whatever, I don't burger so I don't know. It probably has some extra layer of symbolism if you know something about that president or whatever the guy was on the bill.
Anyway, it's material value is replaceable but not its sentimental value for the MC and only when he has cleaned his friend's name, he uses it. Or does he actually clean his friend's name in the end? I forget but he solves the mysery in the end and then buys something with the bill.
Anonymous
161e2ce
?
No.299494
>>299488
Appearently it was ten-dollar bill and the guy was, as you in the knowing have already figured out, Alexander Hamilton.
Anonymous
161e2ce
?
No.299495
>>299488
>the one thing that does matter in the story
"Matter" might not be the best word here. What I mean is that while everything else is laced with irony, this is not and its the only thing is played straight and genuinely.
Anonymous
161e2ce
?
No.299496
>>299481
>We all know the definition of insanity from farcry, but strangely so, it does help the more you resist to give up and continue doing the same thing over and over again.
Yeah, that's a funny way to put it but its acutally fairly accurate, at least for me, so far.
Anonymous
aec124a
?
No.300671
300819
Currently, I'm grinding out words on docs. I wonder if any of you could give me some advice.
I feel that I can describe a ood scene when I give it enough time and I also feel that I can plan a good plot when given time but I have a hard time meshing these two things together. Either I plan a bunch but nothing gets written in the end or I don't plan at all.

So I'm thinking about two different approaches to solve this problem.
Either I focus on writing, smaller scenes or stories that are well thought out but as stated short.
Or I take a simple premise story and just grind out a long story and basically ignore any problems with the plot that aren't major ones.
The former practices the quality of my writing while the latter improves my stamina. I feel that both of these things are things I value and would like to improve in my skillset.
Right now, I'm leaning towards the former because that sounds like a priority to me but I would like your input on this manner. Of course, you always don't need to offer any insight into this manner but I would be grateful for any.
Yes, I'm aware that this is not a new talking point from me. And yes, I develop at an extremly slow rate.
Anonymous
a3505e3
?
No.300819
300846 300847
>>300671
Plan your 3 main points of the story and let it flow from there. Don't grind it out, just write the story as it flows with the characters you have. Unless you're writing book two of a trilogy you're very unlikely to end up where you originally planned to when you put the pen down.
Anonymous
450482a
?
No.300846
>>300819
Thanks for the advice, I'll think about it.
Anonymous
450482a
?
No.300847
>>300819
I see that your refering to the discovery writing style. Do you have any experience with it yourself?
Anonymous
8bb3398
?
No.300871
300872
>>299458
So we could write our stories not related to mlp in this thread?
Anonymous
450482a
?
No.300872
300873 300905
>>300871
In my opinion, any Anon who practice their craft here is just better for the board overall and I also think that litterature is one of those things that can really change peoples' minds so it is good investment for any polack to learn. However, I don't know. If what you write isn't either /Pol/ nor /Mlp/ then I guess it doesn't belong on the board. To me, it doesn't matter and such things has happened before.
Honestly, that's something for the mods to decide upon. I really can't answer. I say post whatever you have in mind and see what happens.
Anonymous
8bb3398
?
No.300873
300904 300905
>>300872
Okay. I like to write and would love for a place to craft my prose where the feedback isn't censored, that it would be presented as is. I'll post a story later when I could think of one, just to try it out
Anonymous
8bb3398
?
No.300904
300946 301154 301203
>>300873
Monsters are real, Jeanette thought as she took a cautious step toward the thing in the tank. The light illuminating the tank gave off a greenish murk of a glow that only added to the disbelief and surrealism of the moment. It made her want to touch it so she could confirm this moment was not a dream. She took a hesitant step forward before her father gripped her shoulder tightly, pinching it, almost as though he read her thoughts and did it to prove it wasn't a dream.

"Not too close, dear," her father had said calmly.

She looked up into his steel grey eyes, seeing a calm look that had bothered her more than when he was in a bout of rage from his drinking.

"What is it?" She had finally found her voice to ask the simple question.

"Proof," He said coolly before kneeling and looking into her eyes," Proof of Hell itself, my dear. It's been under the waters this entire time,"

"Hell...," She murmured before giving the monstrosity in the tank a solemn gaze.

It certainly looked like something that traversed the stygian depths of Hell. That much was certain from its appearance alone. Jeanette took a sharp breath and took a step back ward as it suddenly flung it's tentacles against the glass with a hard smack. Almost pointing at her as though it could feel the fear and uncertainly growing roots into the girl's heart and soul.

Which it might very well could have, considering, Jeanette's father thought as he boldly took a step forward and reached into the pocket inside his fine suit coat.

He smiled devilishly as the shekel caught its ever peering eyes and it's tentacles now grazed against the glass with an audible sucking sound. Jeanette watched in awe at the spectacle, feeling her heart race and remembering a word her mother had taught her. Not just a word but also a sin.

A sin called Avarice.

And with the sight of the creature's reaction to the shekel, she knew that was the Devil. The Devil bound and caged by man itself.
Anonymous
0f8298c
?
No.300905
300946
>>300872
>>300873
If the mods don't approve it being here then I bet they wouldn't mind if a thread was made on /ub/.
Anonymous
a910586
?
No.300946
300981
>>300905
Yeah, sure. I'll will wait for the mods decision though. This thread has barely started and there so far is only one post that isn't directly related to either politics or poners >>300904
I have a feeling most of the posters on this board, because they visit this board, will post pony or politics related stuff anyway.
Also, its a drag to create a new thread. I'll hold off on fixing something that might not be a problem yet. Let's wait an see for a bit.
>>300904
Have just skimmed it so far but I do like the way your write things. It reminds me of my own writting style actually, but perhaps with a greater vocbularity.
Ninjas
## Ninja
0000000
?
No.300952
300981 301203
It's fine. If a change becomes necessary, we'll discuss how to.proceed in thread. For now, carry on.
Anonymous
8bb3398
?
No.300981
301156
94c2cf_6904703.jpg
>>300946
Thanks fren

>>300952
Okay. Thanks for letting us know!
Anonymous
f6f5f09
?
No.300997
301589 302817 302834
>>299488
>An Anon on this site wrote a story called, "Castle of Vapor." I shill it whenever I can, that should tell you what I think about it.
I'm the author. I'm genuinely happy that you enjoyed that story so much, I was fairly happy with it myself but I wasn't sure how broad of an appeal it might have.

>It is kinda of telling as it is the only thing that is no material and it is cleverly symbolized through a... dollar bill? I think. Whatever, I don't burger so I don't know. It probably has some extra layer of symbolism if you know something about that president or whatever the guy was on the bill.
>Appearently it was ten-dollar bill and the guy was, as you in the knowing have already figured out, Alexander Hamilton.
It is a bit of a burger joke; I suppose you would have to know our currency to really get it. It's also a joke on the novel that this story takes it's inspiration from.

My story is loosely based on The Long Goodbye by Raymond Chandler, which you might also enjoy reading if you enjoyed mine. The mystery plays out much differently, but the basic setup is the same: the detective character has a chance encounter with a drunk guy he ends up becoming friends with, they hang out for awhile, then the guy's wife gets murdered. The cops finger the guy lol for the murder, so he asks the detective to help him leave the country. Meanwhile, the detective thinks his friend was wrongly accused, so he tries to solve the mystery, but before he can figure it out he receives news that his friend was killed.

In Chandler's story, the drunk guy gives the detective a $5,000 bill as payment for sneaking him across the Mexican border. A $5,000 bill is a pretty rare denomination of bill that you don't see very often, mostly because it's so large. In the early 1950s, when the story was written, $5,000 was a preposterous amount of money, so basically this is a very rare, high-value bill that the guy gives him. The detective can't spend it or do anything with it, so he ends up just storing it in his safe. Throughout the story he periodically takes it out of the safe and looks at it, and it becomes a symbol of the unresolved issue of his friend's murder, and the mystery surrounding who really killed his wife. A $5,000 bill has a picture of James Madison on it, so throughout the story the detective keeps referring to the bill as his "Portrait of Madison."

The bill in my story was meant to be kind of a riff on this. $10 is obviously not very much money, and the $10 bill is quite common in America. However, it assumes the same symbolic role in the story: the friend disappears and leaves a mystery behind, and Tips Fedora can't spend or get rid of the bill he gave him until the mystery is resolved and he knows his friend is okay. Alexander Hamilton is on the $10 bill, so the character in my novel talks about having a "Portrait of Hamilton."

Also, fun bit of trivia: in Chandler's story, the detective's drunk friend is named Terry Lennox. I named my analogous character Elroy R. Tennbox, which is a slightly-fudged anagram I added a B and a second O. Also, "Tennbox" sounds a little like "ten bucks," which is burger slang for ten dollars. I'm honestly a little proud of how many levels I got this dumb joke to work on.
Anonymous
f941da4
?
No.301154
301203 301405
Spoilered
>>300904
Here are my throughts. Haha, for what it's worth.
>Monsters are real
You didn't write it in cursive. Cool. It's not wrong I just haven't seen that before.
Seems like something you would say if you have been been told or you been presented with reasons to believe in monsters before but you didn't get convinced, rather than someone who sees a monster for the first time. The latter would probably just go, "Whaaaa! What the fuck?"
Depending on Jeanette's history with the supernatural I say it could be either a good line or an okay line.
>she took a cautious step toward the thing in the tank.
Most peole would have backed up from an hideous abomination but not Jeanette. I guess she is a friend of science! >pic related. And has a curious nature.
>She took a hesitant step forward before her father gripped her shoulder tightly, pinching it, almost as though he read her thoughts and did it to prove it wasn't a dream.
>and did it to prove it wasn't a dream.
I would drop the last independent clause here. That's right I know what they are. I think your explaining too much here. If the reader stopped right after, "thoughts," they would still know what you're talking about. Let them chew on the implication of him reading her mind. That's what I think anyway.
>"Not too close, dear," her father had said calmly.
>dear,
I assume they are british.
>She looked up into his steel grey eyes
I think this should be, "steel-grey eyes." It should be a compound adjective since otherwise your saying, I think, that the eyes were of steel and grey.
Correct me if I'm wrong.
I like that you mix character actions with description like this. She looks into his eyes and you describe the eyes. It makes for go pacing and you don't put the story one hold in the same way to describe how a character looks like. Although, sometimes this is necessary and I think one shouldn't go overboard with this. It would probably be a monkey on one's back and there are other things to prioritize over fancy langauges use.

Might get back to this later.
Anonymous
a8e631b
?
No.301155
301156 301405
018C496195052F42B322DF9780FC57B3-42806.jpg

Anonymous
a8e631b
?
No.301156
>>301155
Meant for
>>300981
Anonymous
f941da4
?
No.301203
301405
>>300904
>>301154
>She had finally found her voice to ask the simple question.
Actually forget what I said before. Your style of writing and mine have significant differences. Not that yours is worse, it might actually be better. But I wouldn't have written this sentence. I would just had, "What is it?" stan for itself.
>He said coolly before kneeling and looking into her eyes
Neat. Here you imply her age without saying it.
>"Proof,"
>" Proof of Hell itself, my dear. It's been under the waters this entire time,"
This is probably just a typo there should be a period after, "time."
The idea is cool too.
>Which it might very well could have, considering, Jeanette's father thought
Cool.
Perhaps, I'll return to this later.
>>300952
Thanks for letting us know.
Anonymous
8bb3398
?
No.301405
301414
>>301155
Checked. Love you too fren

>>301154
>>301203
I appreciate the thoughts Swede fren. If you post one of your stories i'll be sure to give back good feedback!
Anonymous
3305b75
?
No.301414
>>301405
Thank u.
No need for promises, or well that's my policy because I always fail to hold them. You might be different.
I hope you write more.
Anonymous
3305b75
?
No.301478
301578 302817
Sunset 01.jpg
WondercoltSunsetbyNCMares1537757765104.png
LookatmeLookatmeIamaPrincessXbyYakovlevvad1474582362224.png
deviantart-Katakiuchi4U-807530650.jpg
Tough Poner.png
Sunset Shimmer had her revenge. The white and red body of the sun goddess was strewn upon the floor. The palace was in ruins.

”P-p-p-please... Sunset, stop. I'm begging you,” princess Celestia choked out as tears streamed down her cheeks.

A twisted grin appeared on Sunset's lips. He pressed hard on one of the alicorn's wings, right where it attached to the rest of the alicorn's body. Sunset's fiery mane whipped forward in the air as she suddenly had jerked forward. The bone in the wing broke and the wing twisted behind the alicorn's back.

Celestia screamed a high-pitched scream but it was soon replaced by a whimper. She was too exhausted to be to react to the pain.

A teal veil poured out from Sunset's horn and began to swirl around it. It was transparent and seemed to be some sort of liquid that appeared like smoke in the air. It appeared around Celestia's chin and seemed to pull her face to face with Sunset.

Sunset's grin was so wide it showed teeth. There was malicious glee in her eyes. Celestia's expression could be replicated if one pulled one's lover lip inwards, bent it like a ”c” but with the arch upwards.

”Long live the Princess,” Sunset said while magical energies swirled around her horn and looked to be charging.

”We have seen enough!”

As if Thanos snapped out of existence, Celestia disappeared. She was not alone. The rest of the ruined interior of the palace disappeared and was replaced with clouds that floated like fog past sunset's hooves and a star clad night sky.

Sunset looked surprised by the sudden shift in the environment. She looked down and saw that she stood on some invisible floor and there was nothing underneath her but midnight blue skies. Her green eyes then saw a white sphere in the heavens with the drawn face of a black horse in it. It was the moon with a nightmare moon still in it.

Sunset raise one eyebrow and lowered the other.

Wait, that's not right, she thought.

That's when the image of the horse turned towards her and blinked. Sunset's eyes went wide. The image then proceeded to crawl out of the moon as if it was a big tube and its black mass floated down onto the cloud near the invisible floor.

The mass shifted in shape and soon Sunset recognized it. It was Princess Luna and Sunset also realized what that implied.

There seemed to be tired pity in Luna's eyes as she looked down on Sunset. His black crown sat on her brow and the blue mane sparkled as it billowed.

Sunset sighed in mock disappointment and said while grinning, ”Ugh, I'm dreaming. Blast it.”
Anonymous
8bb3398
?
No.301578
302040
5435465446.jpg
>>301478
>Sunset Shimmer had her revenge. The white and red body of the sun goddess was strewn upon the floor. The palace was in ruins.
Good strong opening. I like it!

>P-p-p-please
I would shorten this the stutter a little, just for the emphasis it could have.

>Celestia screamed a high-pitched scream but it was soon replaced by a whimper.
I would revise it to "A high-pitched scream erupted from Celestia for a long moment before it simpered to a whimper"

>She was too exhausted to be to react to the pain.
>to be to react
A minor typo. I would rephrase it to "She was in such an exhausted state from the pain, there was little energy in her to react to anything"

>A teal veil poured out from Sunset's horn and began to swirl around it. It was transparent and seemed to be some sort of liquid that appeared like smoke in the air. It appeared around Celestia's chin and seemed to pull her face to face with Sunset.
Good line

>Sunset's grin was so wide it showed teeth.
I would revise it to "Sunset's lips curved into a grin so wide it showed the last of her molars"

>There was malicious glee in her eyes
I would revise to "The maliciousness gave her eyes a dark glow of glee"

>As if Thanos snapped out of existence
I'm personally not a fan of pop culture references but sometimes it can work. Here it does in an odd way. I like it

>Her green eyes
I would describe the color of her eyes to make it memorable. IE "lustrous forest green eyes" "swelling ocean blue eyes" etc.

I'll come back if I think of something else with the last lines. But I like what I see here Anon. You certainly do have a talent at writing and I hope you're sharpening that skill by free writing when you can
Anonymous
8d945ca
?
No.301589
>>300997
Been meaning to respond to this but haven't gotten around to it before.
Thanks for the insight. That "Tennbox" joke flew over my head completely.
It really is a good story. And this does related to this thread so I might as well talk about it a bit. Give you some feedback.

My memory of its entriety is a bit foggy since I didn't read the whole thing recently, however, I did read the opening of the story this autumn. I was trying to make another attempt at making an audio book of the thing but it didn't end up happening.
Its one of those type of stories or media that has good jokes back to back. I had to stop my recording several times just because I bursted out laughing.
I also like to mention that I love the tulpas. A story could be made around them alone, which is sort of what happened. You use them in the story so well, from what I remember.
I remember that you talked about how they were suppose to represent different sides of the mc that he suppressed because they had no place in today's society. Maybe, I'm projecting or simply mis-remembering or somehting in between but was RD a representation of masculine rage and Commieflutters a representation of feminine comfort or something. I like that. I think that it is easy to assume that just RD's element, in this case, would be suppressed in this society. I would argue that Hollywood and shit, tries to flasely associate men caring and showing affection towards each other into gayness. They do this because they fear a group of men that are loyal to each other and are friends. Heh, they fear magic.
But I really like that this tulpas are there for comedy relief but also to make the setting less lonely. Well, story has more dialogue in it because of them after all. However, I like how in ceratain scenes, especially the best scene. The low point of the story, where (SPOILERS!) mc believes his friend was killed and the tulpas disappear because he doesn't think it is respectful to have them react for him. This also emphasizes through contrast how lonely this guy is normally.

Sorry about the rant of conciousness. Wanted to get this out but yeah, I have something else I need to attend to soon so I got to get it out fast.
Anonymous
767d187
?
No.302040
>>301578
Yeah, uhm. Thanks a lot btw for your input.
Your revisions are superior in my eyes as well. Theyr are great. KMight not be the first thing I'll try to improve upon in the future because I have some other things in mind but I will keep it in the backburner.
Anonymous
8d4805c
?
No.302300
302356 302817
432435.jpg
6546544345.jpg
65464574654.jpg
Posting my another one of my stories called "Prosperine"

Screaming erupted into the stillness of the night, making me snap my head to the gas station to see a figure running out into the night; Leaving footprints in a liquid that was illuminated from the streetlight. I took a moment's glance to see it was blood before I burst into the station, the ringer going off. I was greeted with a vision straight from Hell itself. There were so many bare legs hanging from the ceiling, flailing and kicking. It looked as though they had grown from the ceiling instead of a forced entry. I was in such a shock that I couldn't remember if there had been customers, as I looked down beneath the legs at the small puddles of blood. Some of which had footprints dashed across them, leading away from the cashier huddled in the corner to the doors. The cashier's back was facing me.

Reason told me to run. Reason told me there was no helping the cashier. Whatever was happening was beyond the mortal realm of matters.

But at the same time something clicked inside me, something more powerful then reason that compelled me forward across the gore streaked floor. I dodged and maneuvered through the flailing limbs to the cashier and when I was close enough, I knelt and put a hand on their shoulder. It didn't surprise me my hand was firm and strong instead of limp and quaking. But I felt my heart swell with emotion as I stared at the faceless cashier looking back at me.

"Pros...Prosperine took...took...," She had stuttered.

Before the station's ringer went off.

I immediately turned to see a figure in a long white trench coat standing in the doorway. Long raven black hair hung loose down it's gore streaked coat as it took it's hood off to reveal a feminine face that evoked the word Hesperides. The two small but razor sharp horns on it's skull did not detract but magnified it's beauty. I felt my heart swell achingly again at the mere sight of the figure.

"I almost forgot your lily blue eyes," Three voices spoke at once from it's thin, blood red lips, as it gazed at the cashier.

Before turning that gaze to me. One corner of those blood red lips curved upward into what looked like a crooked smile as a third horn rose between the two smaller ones. At the tip of the third horn was an open eye that didn't just look at me. It felt as though it were looking into my very soul, seeing all my memories, and feeling all my emotions. Searching. It must have found what it was looking for as the figure's lips turned into a full smile.

"Do you want to live?" It asked.

The masculine part of the three voices was dominant in that simple question. A very simple yes or no question that barely reached to me in my current state of...was it fear or maybe even excitement? I didn't care which it was. And I-

"I don't care," I had finally said in a calm voice as I looked from it's third eye to it's two magnificent fiery yellow eyes.

I stared into those eyes, unflinching, almost forgetting everything until it pointed one clawed finger at the hanging limbs. I looked at them to see they weren't flailing anymore. And slowly one of them begin to fall to the floor with a thud. And then one by one they began to fall. I braced myself against the ones above me and flung them off before quickly looking back the door way to see the figure was gone.

I heard a sickly crunching nose and looked back at the casher and saw that she was impaled by one of the limbs sharp bone piercing completely out of the back side of her head. I watched almost without a single emotion as she tried to pry it out of her head before the movements became weaker and weaker and finally stopped as she gurgled up blood and fell back against the wall.

Almost without a single emotion but the sudden fiery burn in my chest that I needed to engage in as I stood up and waded through the limbs to the doors. The ringer went off as I stepped out into the cold night and was greeted with fresh cold air. I looked around desperately before seeing the figure standing by the street light, patiently waiting. I felt my heart swell achingly again and the emotion set afire as it raised it's clawed hand and waved invitingly at me.

I stared into Prosperine's fiery yellow eyes, never feeling as calm as then, and took it's invitation into a world beyond our own as I begin to walk to it.
Anonymous
d9e2bc6
?
No.302356
302416
>>302300
Have read it once now. It reminded me of Lovecraft's Shadow of innsmouth where the protagonist *spoilers* decides to join the dagons in the end.
Anonymous
8d4805c
?
No.302416
>>302356
Interesting! Thanks fren. I love delving into cosmic horror and the comparison with one of Lovecraft's stories is nice!
Anonymous
e5a47d5
?
No.302797
302798 303014
cat-and-mouse-friends-12-1.jpg
There was once a cat and a mouse. They loved to play catch together. The mouse used to chased the cat around the garden.

One day the mouse asked the cat, ”Can't you chase me this time? I always chase.”

The cat paused for a moment and then said, ”No.”

The mouse pleaded, ”Come on, please. It will be fun.”

”Okay,” said the cat.

The cat chased the mouse around the garden. At first the cat chased the mouse slowly, but the more time passed the faster he ran.

In the end the cat caught the mouse and ate the mouse. Then he laid in the garden and cried.
Anonymous
e5a47d5
?
No.302798
302817
>>302797
*Should be, "he lied in the garden," at the end.
Anonymous
2419c30
?
No.302817
302834 302835 303016 305218
IWantToWrite.jpeg
I have a question on how you write longer-form stories. I came up with an idea lately for a book-length story but rather than write front-to-back I've been noting down anything interesting that pops into my head then trying to string them into a broader plot to flesh out later. Obviously "write down anything that sounds cool" is the fast track to bloated fanfiction but I plan to trim anything that doesn't fit. I know a lot of writers compose an ending before the beginning (which I've also done) but does anyone else use this method? My justification is that if I worry over dialogue, behaviorisms and transitions now I'll forget about important plot points. Or maybe it's just the reverse of English classes where I distilled books into their basic components.

>>299488
>An Anon on this site wrote a story called, "Castle of Vapor." I shill it whenever I can, that should tell you what I think about it.
I tried searching for it but no dice. Where can I read it?

>>300997
I'm impressed by your use of symbolism as an homage/riff and I hope I can pull something similar off. I didn't even know $5000 bills existed (I knew $1000 existed from a movie) but apparently Hamilton was also on a $1000 bill at one point. Someone with a passion for history or political science could probably use Hamilton/Madison's antagonism (Hamilton was a Federalist while Madison was an Anti-Federalist) as something incidental or relevant to the story.

>>301478
I like this and its use of a literary twist. Only problem is that the audience may recognize it's actually a dream long before Sunset does; a more sudden change or more subtle hints of Luna would remedy this.
>Wait, that's not right, she thought.
Thoughts can be italicized an easy hotkey to use here is Ctrl+I. Also I'd combine it with the eyebrow adjustment because Sunset's likely doing these things at the same time.

>>302300
This is amazing and it's a good example of horror. Prosperine asking a boolean question and responding with a third answer reminds me of a Japanese horror figure who appears to people in bathroom stalls and asks them if they want red or blue toilet paper (Japan is a weird place). I don't know if that was your inspiration but there's similarity there.
However,
>I watched almost without a single emotion as she tried to pry it out of her head before the movements became weaker and weaker and finally stopped as she gurgled up blood and fell back against the wall.
I won't lie: this actually made me laugh. The problem with gore in horror is that too much of it loops back around to being funny again. Some horror movies and books actually take advantage of this to add some dark levity, but I don't think that's what you were going with. This would have worked better if the cashier had died suddenly with a look of horror imprinted on her face; realistically if something impales you through the back of your head you won't even be able to move afterwards.

>>302798
Actually it should be "he lay in the garden"
Anonymous
38b14c8
?
No.302834
303080
what the actual fuck am I writing seriously the final.pdf
>>302817
>Castle of Vapor
>Where can I read it?
While this guy, >>300997
has an updated version for you. I have the version I read as file attached.
>Only problem is that the audience may recognize it's actually a dream long before Sunset does; a more sudden change or more subtle hints of Luna would remedy this.
I'm not exactly sure what the problem is. Could you elborate?
>Also I'd combine it with the eyebrow adjustment because Sunset's likely doing these things at the same time.
Good point.
>Japanese horror figure who appears to people in bathroom stalls and asks them if they want red or blue toilet paper (Japan is a weird place)
"Have you accepted jesus christ as your personal savior?" "No, I'm jewish."
>Ctrl+I
I know. I used it in the document on my computer but that didn't transfer when moving to the textbox for posting and so I forgot about changing changing it.
>Actually it should be "he lay in the garden"
Its funny. I'm pretty sure that I looked up something when I wrote this that used this. Maybe I just read it wrong (Highest probability). But they seemed to imply that lied was a version of the word. But I found another site that explained it to me.
Still though it sounds much better with lied here.
Anonymous
38b14c8
?
No.302835
>>302817
>Pic
But with hooves how can you?
Anonymous
8d4805c
?
No.303014
>>302797
Quite poetic Anon. Good job!
Anonymous
8d4805c
?
No.303016
>>302817
Thanks anon. I was going for cosmic horror with this and wanted to add a touch of surrealism
Anonymous
ca05b75
?
No.303080
LowrieMysteryOfTheDruids.jpg
>>302834
Oh, nice! I read through all of it last night and I'm honestly quite impressed. Haven't read many mysteries so maybe I'm not the best judge, but it's great "neo-noir" is the term used correctly here? and the twist ending actually got me. I like the social commentary which, though laid on thick, is actually funny rather than preachy. Everyone is a twisted, decrepit version of a man, including the protagonist. He talks to imaginary ponies in his head, and not even show-accurate ones as they have one-note personalities I'm sure this is intentional as they exist to break the tension and ease loneliness, yet the rest of society is more insane or miserable in comparison while being pretty accurate to real life. I also find it funny how he's totally useless apart from a few flukes of insight: he can't fight, he can't charm, he doesn't have great perception, he can't even dodge. Most of the time the plot is moved along by the other characters and he's just along for the ride--often unwillingly. That's not a bad thing at all. I will say though that irony was narrowly dodged when this homeless-hating man wasn't treated like a hobo despite looking just like one.

The protagonist reminds somewhat of Det. Brent Halligan from "The Mystery of the Druids," as they're both NEETs (practically speaking) who hate the homeless, find 3D women difficult, eat junk food all the time, and are knowledgeable about conspiracy theories. To the author: was that game an inspiration at all? If not, what a bizarre yet blessed coincidence.

All in all, I'm no literary critic but it's masterfully done. I'll share it with any friends who can stand the humor.
Anonymous
ca05b75
?
No.303081
303086
Also I've got another question: are there any guides on how to write scenes to convey a certain emotional impact without being too hammy? I want to be able to write action scenes that don't end up being repetitive schlock, tearful dialogues that don't become maudlin, horror scenes that don't leave the reader confused, and feel-good scenes that aren't just empty filler. What are some good examples for each I could refer to?
Anonymous
6a4c3f2
?
No.303086
303096
>>303081
My view, that I realized a few days ago, is that one should write one's own vision. As in, you shouldn't use midpoint-reversals to make the midpoint of your story more intresting but because that is were you wanna go in the first place.
Your narrative should only be what you want it to be about and from there you provide reasons for why scenes happened in the first place.
So the answer to your question I guess is to allways justify your scenes existnce in your narrative.
But in my mind, you shouldn't be looking at trying to manipulate emotions but you should look at creating scenarios because you like them.
For example, now I'm going to write a small action scene in mlp because I want to and that's it. If this makes the reader excited or whatever emotion they gain from reading this that is up to them and I don't care.
Kek, I sure do like the sound of my own voice.
Anonymous
6a4c3f2
?
No.303096
>>303086
>now I'm going to write a small action scene in mlp because I want to and that's it.
Well, I wrote 300 words. It's not done yet but I do have an outline.
Anonymous
c34875b
?
No.303240
303367
d3630a63913f62f0d8bb4d14999b171c.jpg
I never finish anything so I never get anything posted. But I wanted to post this, even if unfinished. Do you think the style of writing here is colorful?

The air over the street seemed to boil. The cobblestone street's stones were yellow as if they were in a furnace. The roaring was the loudest but the patter and popping of the flames consuming adjacent houses could also be heard. A window shattered and a pony jumped from the second store of a building ou onthe otherside, as far away from the blindingly hot street.

Sooth covered a horn and small flame still danced along the tip of it. The unicorn the horn belong to narrowed her green eyes. As she did this, her entire face tensed up; he cheeks pushed inwards and up, and the lower jaw of her mouth moved forward, displaying teeth.

The focus of her gaze jumped around over the street.

Flames the sizes of trees were tore down the roof of a well. After having its beautifully carved pillars burn to charcoal the rest of roof caved in on itself. An annoying scrapping sound echoed out of the well as the ceramic tiles of the mini roof bounced down the well's pipe.

The sound was replaced by another sound, the sound of thunder. The ceramic pieces and burning wood were shot out of the well like a vulcano. They scatter into the air as a bolt lightning zigzagged into the sky. The lightning disappeared into clouds above but just a few seconds after it had, the clouds gathered around the area.

The unicorn mare was hit by a couple raindrops that traveled over her tense face. Her gaze were now entirely focused on the well where the lightning had appeared out of. She only let herself shudder a bit as the clouds sent a downpour her way so huge that it extinguised the fires in a mere minute but also darkened her fur.
Anonymous
8d4805c
?
No.303367
>>303240
>The air over the street seemed to boil. The cobblestone street's stones were yellow as if they were in a furnace. The roaring was the loudest but the patter and popping of the flames consuming adjacent houses could also be heard.
Nice, strong opening anon. I like it

>A window shattered and a pony jumped from the second store of a building ou onthe otherside, as far away from the blindingly hot street.
Out on the otherside*

>The unicorn the horn belong to narrowed her green eyes
Her emerald green eyes*
Simple description adds a lot.

>As she did this, her entire face tensed up; he cheeks pushed inwards and up, and the lower jaw of her mouth moved forward, displaying teeth.
Her cheeks pushed inwards*

>The focus of her gaze jumped around over the street.
The focus of her gaze jumped over the street*

>Flames the sizes of trees were tore down the roof of a well.
The inferno of flames the size of trees tore down the roof as well*

I fixed what I can. The rest is good though Anon. Keep sharpening your writing skills every day. Even if it's just random scribbles. Think of the skill like a muscle.
Anonymous
35a04fd
?
No.304053
304054
Malekith.pdf
Not that it matters but my writing improve significantly lately. Just check this out. (set in heroes 3)
I feel comfortable writing and describing scenes now for the, like, the first time.
Anonymous
35a04fd
?
No.304054
>>304053
>Not that it matters
Actually, fuck that self-depricating garbage. Of course, it fucking matters. Suck my dick. As in, if you don't think so. Otherwise, you are free to not.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
aa71f95
?
No.304349
304357
MV5BOTI1Mjg2MTQ4OV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwMTk0Mzc5MjE@._V1_UY1200_CR485,0,630,1200_AL_.jpg
Sven, here are my thoughts on that thing you posted in my thread:
https://mlpol.net/images/src/833506EA00EFE2612DCE66408F4B8840-76793.pdf

>A green man grabbed a plastic tube with a mouthpiece at one of its ends.
>The green man brought the mouthpiece to his mouth and simultaneously as he pressed a button on it, he took a breath in.
The words "green man" and "mouthpiece" appear in the first sentence and are repeated again in the second; this is redundant. You could use "he" and "it" in the second sentence and it would be clear enough what you are talking about. Also, the wording is a bit awkward. Try this:
>A green man grabbed a plastic tube with a mouthpiece at one of its ends.
>He brought it to his mouth, pressed a button and simultaneously took a breath.

> Grey gas with jolts of electricity appearing inside it.
Be careful about verb tense. I'm assuming what you meant to say here was "Grey gas with jolts of electricity appeared inside it;" however, as it's currently written it's a sentence fragment.

Anyway, despite the ever-present ESL issues that make your wording awkward not your fault, of course, but as ever it is really difficult not to notice, the story starts off with a rather interesting opening scene. It appears to be an Anon story, as the protagonist is referred to as "a green man," and at the moment the story begins he appears to be...smoking a breezy. As far as I can tell, the breezy is placed in some kind of bong-like device, and when a button is pressed, it sends an electrical charge into it. This causes the breezy to emit some kind of dust or smoke that gives Anon a nice buzz.

Incidentally, I notice that you refer to the creature in the bong as a "breeze." From the context of the passage and the description you give of it I'm assuming this is a creature like pic related. Technically, these things are called "breezies" (singular would be "breezy"), and while it's clear enough what you're talking about, you may want to correct this.

Anyway, it's a little difficult to get a picture of what's going on in the very early part of this story, but we do get some clues as to what we're going to be reading. As I mentioned, the story seems to revolve around Anon, or at least a humanoid character with green skin and black hair. An early reference to an Overmare suggests that this is probably set in the FoE universe. Later on, a character named LittlePip is referenced, which seems to confirm this. Descriptions of the setting also make this clear.

Slowly, the picture becomes clearer. After taking a hit off of his breezy-bong, Anon turns his attention to a phoenix and a cockatrice, who appear to be his pets or his servitors. They are named Huginn and Muninn, presumably after Odin's ravens. Though it's a little unclear at the beginning where all of this is taking place (I was initially envisioning this scene taking place in Anon's living room, since he appears comfortable and it's mentioned that one of the birds is sitting on a pillow), it's gradually revealed that Anon and his pets are in a dark alley.

Anon peers forward at a skyscraper, protected by a curtain wall with guard towers set at intervals. He observes guards in the towers, and sends his cockatrice, Muninn, to dispatch them by turning them to stone.

>A while later, the other tower next to Dark Bark's was occupied by a zebra mare with scare across her face, got a call for her over the radio.
This is unclear for several reasons. First off, I'm assuming that a "zebra mare with scare across her face" was a typo, and you meant to say that she had a scar across her face. However, owing to ESL issues again, I also considered the possibility that you meant to say that she had a frightened expression on her face. Whichever it is, you should make sure to correct this wording so the meaning is clear. Second, the time frame in which this is happening is a bit murky. How soon is "a while later?" Are we talking seconds, minutes, hours? I'm assuming that the cockatrice disabled the guards, and then a short time later this zebra, who is presumably their captain or supervisor, came to check on them. We need to have a clearer idea of how much time elapses between one event and the other. Third, the phrase "got a call for her over the radio" is ambiguous. Who exactly was the call for? I'm assuming it was the zebra, as Dark Bark is referred to as a stallion, but you may want to consider rewording this.

Anyway, there is a brief conversation between the zebra and whoever she is communicating with on the radio, in which she mentions that Dark Bark (the stallion guard) is unusually still. She goes to take a closer look at him and realizes he has been turned to stone, but by the time she realizes this, it appears to be too late. She encounters a pair of yellow eyes, presumably the cockatrice again, and is turned to stone herself. The scene ends with a page break.

At this point, Muninn returns to Anon, who puts a blindfold over its eyes. He now sends Huginn, the phoenix, off on some yet-unexplained task, carrying some kind of glowing metal ball in its claws. Meanwhile, Anon begins to screw with some kind of bizarre rifle, that also projects a hologram, with a map or something on it...uh...this part is pretty unclear. You obviously have a specific image in your head that you're attempting to describe, but I really can't picture what this rifle is supposed to look like, nor can I follow what exactly Anon is trying to do with it.

Huginn, meanwhile, flies over the unguarded wall. A group of stallions have exited the skyscraper, presumably alerted by the zebra's distress call on the radio. They don't seem to notice Huginn flying overhead, which seems odd since he is a phoenix (which glow, as I seem to recall), and he is carrying an obtrusive, light-emitting ball in his claws. As far as I can tell, the ball is some kind of scanning device, that records the positions of the guards and sends the data back to Anon's hologram-rifle.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
aa71f95
?
No.304357
304374
>>304349

Using the data from Huginn's scanning ball, Anon is able to lock onto one of the guards. He fires his weird rifle, which blasts some kind of super-powered laser beam through the wall and hits the guard dead-on.

>Killing him by the fact that the beam didn't all land in one place and more traveled across his body, causing his body to be sliced apart through erosion.
Once again, it's clear that you have a very specific image in your mind of what is happening, but you're struggling to describe it, and clarity suffers. "Erosion" in any case is completely the wrong word to use here; it refers to the slow process of stone or earth formations being whittled down by the elements, such as the carving of a riverbed. I get the impression that whatever is happening to this guard is happening pretty much instantaneously, whereas "erosion" implies a very slow and gradual process.

Anyway, Anon dispatches the remaining guards using the same process, and his bird flies into the building. He makes his way rather easily to the top of a staircase, owing to the fact that Anon is able to lock onto and destroy any guards that attempt to stop him. Meanwhile, on the top floor, a changeling guard is observing all of this (presumably with some kind of radar or surveillance system, although this is not really made clear). He recognizes Anon's weapon as a "thaumoniator."

He takes a shotgun, goes out into the corridor, and blasts Huginn as soon as he appears. This destroys both the phoenix (who I'm assuming will just be born again somewhere), and the scanner (which I'm assuming is permanently destroyed). Anon seems to regard this as a minor setback at most. The scene ends in a page break.

The next scene appears to begin a short time later. The changeling guard is now ordering a defensive perimeter to be set up around the building, but is concerned that it is taking far too long.

>But it was taking time, too much time. Too much had happened already at this point that he didn't even remotely believe in normal delays.
You best start believing in normal delays; you're in one.

Anyway, the changeling appears to be heading downstairs to check on his guards, when he encounters the cockatrice. It's unclear where exactly this meeting takes place.

>He couldn't do anything except what was right in front of him, which was a half-hen, half-lizard creature staring at him.
I'm assuming you intended to word this differently; otherwise, this is potentially the weirdest clopfic ever written.

The perspective now switches to Anon, who has entered the building. The opposition appears to have been dealt with in one way or another. He comes across the changeling stallion, who has been turned to stone. Apparently, despite being stone, he is still conscious.

>The changeling also so how the rifle that man had on his back stuck up into view over his shoulder.
What?

The stallion takes note of Anon's thaumoniator, but being stone, he can do little else. I'm still a little curious what the hell a thaumoniator is exactly; initially I assumed it was a reference to something from Fallout or maybe another similar game, but nothing comes up when I google it and I've never come across this word before.

>”Think, Mcfly. Think,” and then he proceeded to wape breeze dust again before leaving.
This actually ties into some of what I was saying about external references in an earlier post in my review thread (see >>304126 → and >>304306 → and probably some other related posts that I'm too lazy to go back and look up by number). The line that Anon speaks here is, of course, a reference to Back to the Future, which has no direct connection to either MLP or Fallout. One might be tempted to declare this an illegal reference for that reason; however, in this case one would be wrong. Though we don't know the Anon character's origin in this story, if we assume that he has the typical Anon backstory (regular guy from our world gets transported to Equestria somehow), then the character would most likely be familiar with that movie and its dialogue. Thus, it's a perfectly legitimate use of an external pop culture reference.

I bring this up because it conveniently relates to something I was just dealing with in Fallout: Equestria. In one scene, Littlepip makes a reference to a line of dialogue from MLP: "It was under 'E'!" In the show, this line was spoken by Pinkie Pie while the group was searching for a particular book. Superficially one might think that a reference to a line from MLP would be more relevant in an MLP story than a line from Back to the Future, but in this case it isn't. Though the Marty McFly line is referencing something completely outside the universe of the story, there's a plausible explanation for why this Anon character might know the line. Conversely, even though Pinkie Pie was a character who once existed in LP's universe, and the "under 'E'" line would be a quote of something she actually said, there is no valid in-world reason for Littlepip to have heard this quote or to know what it means, and thus no reason for her to reference it. I'm going a bit off the rails here so I don't want to stay on this topic for too long, but here you've provided a very nice example of something I was literally just talking about, so I felt it was worth pointing out. There is a based way and a cringe way to do pop culture references, and I'm happy to inform you that your reference here is of the former variety.

One more thing about this line before moving on:

>he proceeded to wape breeze dust again before leaving.
I'm assuming you meant to say "vape" here. "Wape" is what happened to Bugs Bunny after he teased Elmer Fudd in trap getup one too many times.

Anyway, after making fun of the "stoned" guard while taking another breezy bong-rip, he searches the skyscraper until he finds a cluster of prison cells in the basement. He calls out that he is looking for a specific prisoner, and will free the others if they tell him where she is.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
9442bfe
?
No.304374
304376
>>304357

>The prisoner didn't seem to grasp what was happening and was therefore silent.
Earlier you mention multiple prisoners (plural), but here you refer to "the prisoner" (singular) as if there were only one. This makes things a bit confusing.

Anyway, it turns out that Anon is searching for a filly named Cookiehead Junior.

>”I'm here to bring her back to her parents. They hired me for the quiet the sum.”
I'm assuming this should say "they hired me for quite the sum."

There is some murmuring among the prisoners, and then one of them speaks up. Unsurprisingly, it turns out to be the filly that Anon is searching for. He asks her if she would be interested in taking a hit from the breezy bong, which does not much appeal to her. A cookie, however, turns out to be more her style. At this moment, the phoenix reemerges as a baby in a plastic bag that Anon is carrying. I'm not sure if the text actually mentions somewhere that he was carrying a bag; if not you may want to fix this.

Anon informs the filly that her parents have sent him to rescue her, and asks her if she would like to pet his baby phoenix. She accepts, and the story ends.

---

Alright, so here is my reaction. As is typical with Sven-fiction, I find myself divided. On the one hand, this is a very nicely constructed story, and I enjoyed what I understood of it. On the other hand, your English is as atrocious as ever, to the point where this is damn near impossible to read.

I'll go ahead and make a comparison between your writing and kkat's, partly because I'm currently reading his story and partly because your story is set in his universe, so it invites the comparison. I've presently read about 200,000 words of Fallout: Equestria, and kkat still has not gotten to anything resembling a point. Despite its length and complexity, there is no coherent underlying plot; events happen, and then more events happen, and it just keeps going and going like that.

Conversely, this story clocks in at a mere 3,192 words, and yet it manages to tell a complete story from start to finish. We have a character, Anon, who for some reason is attempting to infiltrate a building. He clearly has some experience doing things like this, and manages to blast his way inside fairly effortlessly. By the end, we learn why he was doing this: he had been hired to find a filly, who for some reason is one of a large number of prisoners locked up in the basement. By the end of the story, all of our significant questions are answered: we know who this mysterious green man is (Anon), and we know why he is attacking this building (he needed to rescue the filly). He completes his objective, and all necessary loose ends are tied up. Even the issue of the phoenix, who is apparently sacrificed in battle, is resolved: at the end of the story, he is reborn. Nothing is out of balance at the end of this story, and it ends on a satisfying note.

At the same time, there are unexplained details that the reader is probably curious about should you wish to continue the story: why is the filly in prison? Who hired Anon? How did Anon get here? How did he manage to acquire this advance weaponry, and train a cockatrice, and so forth? What was this skyscraper, who were the creatures that were guarding it, what's the deal with this setting, etc etc? The story resolves itself well enough to work as a piece of standalone fiction, but at the same time there is enough material here that you could expand this into a longer work if you wanted to.

Another thing that struck me about this is that Anon is a surprisingly complex character. This is particularly impressive due to the short length of the work, the fact that Anon has few spoken lines, the fact that the story is mostly action-driven, and the fact that your prose is incoherent to the point of being nearly unreadable.

Anon in this work is an intriguing guy. He seamlessly blends stealth tactics with insane blowing-shit-up-as-loudly-as-possible tactics, and for all the death and chaos he deals out here he seems pretty relaxed and easygoing about everything he does. He is morally complex: on the one hand, he kills or petrifies nearly everyone in this skyscraper and seems pretty cavalier about doing it. On the other hand, he shows kindness to the filly, and seems to have a good rapport with his animal companions. Taming a phoenix and a cockatrice would be both dangerous and time consuming, and would likely be impossible were he unable to make the animals trust him. He is basically a natural anarchist: he seems to view good and evil as interchangeable, and that's assuming he even thinks in those terms at all. Though he slaughtered his enemies pretty ruthlessly, he doesn't try to justify it and he doesn't take any sadistic pleasure in it either; he simply had a job to do, the guards were in his way, and he dealt with them. His ultimate goal proved noble enough to make him likable, even if some people might regard his methods as a little over the top.

For contrast, consider how kkat's Littlepip might have handled this situation. We'd probably get several paragraphs of inner monologue from her denouncing the skyscraper guards as irredeemable monsters who deserve to die, followed by several paragraphs of her relishing bathing in their blood as she slaughters them in the most gory and inhumane way possible. After that, there would be a lot of angsty, "oh the horror" type whining over all the brutal killing she just did, followed by crying and tenderness at learning that the filly was indeed safe. Kkat tries so hard to make readers like his protagonist, yet he mostly succeeds in making her even more obnoxious and Mary Sue-like. Conversely, your Anon is just naturally likable, and it feels like he wouldn't even give a shit if you told him that. He doesn't question his actions, he just acts. If you want to write a likable edgelord hero, this is how you go about doing it.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
9442bfe
?
No.304376
304378 304612
>>304374

Anyway, my overall reaction to this is basically the same as my reaction to other things you've written. You clearly have a natural knack for how to construct and tell a story; the biggest problem is that your English sucks. Kkat, for comparison, tends to have the opposite problem: he has enough basic mastery of language to write well, he just has no idea what to write about.

Of these two problems, yours is the better to have. If you could nail down the language well enough to write prose at about the level kkat does, you could easily write circles around him; conversely, if kkat's grammar was like yours, it would transform his shit story into a nigh unreadable shit story.

You clearly know what you want to say with your writing, you just struggle to actually say it. Unfortunately though, this is a fairly large disadvantage, as there is a limited pool of readers who are willing to slog their way through this much sludgy language just to find a diamond in the rough at the center. This is part of the reason I would recommend you read more the other part being that I just generally think people should try to read more. The more English prose you absorb, the more you'll begin to pick up the subtle nuances of language, which will greatly enhance your ability to bring your ideas to life.
Anonymous
a8e631b
?
No.304378
304454
>>304376
The alternative would be to partner with an editor on some level, who could go over the story and clarify/streamline the aspects that are 'less fluent/native' english.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
9442bfe
?
No.304454
304490
>>304378
This is actually very good advice. You may want to consider this, although the downside is that most editors charge, so unless you can expect to make money with your writing it may not be practical.
Anonymous
613c6bf
?
No.304488
304612
I've barely written anything since early highschool. I used to to a lot of horror, romance and fantasy stories in my free time. Was a half-decent decent artist too, although it was all on paper.
It feels like I've lost all my motivation to restart what used to be my biggest hobby. Does anybody have some advice for what a rusty faggot like me can do to respark my creativity? I feel like I need to learn to write all over again.
Anonymous
a8e631b
?
No.304490
304612
>>304454
Most professional editors charge, that's true. However, I can think of at least one thinktank that even might appeal to, given the often sedentary nature of its participants
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.304585
304586 304589
How do you subtly insert redpills into your story without making the entire setting revolve around shoving them into the audience's face?
I'm working on one story that revolves around shoving redpills into the audience's face, and an action-comedy "shonen anime-ish" kind of comic that should be more subtle about it.
Anonymous
151a159
?
No.304586
304587
>>304585
I would advise modelling character flaws or enemy archetypes after modern-day problems or making them a disguised metaphor. For example, a story's antagonists behaving more like Jews rather than an "Evil Empire" would work, such as the aliens from "They Live!," the Bloats from Zoombinis, or the Phezzan Dominion from "Legends of the Galactic Heroes," though to my knowledge none are intentionally modeled after Jews. Other idea consists of pitiable characters who mutilate themselves to be something they can never be (even if gender is never mentioned), pressured to do so from childhood trauma or social influence; obviously these are based on trannies.
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.304587
304589 304590
>>304586
If one city had winged animal-people who were guilted into chopping their own wings off, thinking it would stop them from being bullied by their inferior ground-bound animal-people peers, while some ground-bound idiots wore fake wings or stitched fake wings onto their body thinking it could make them fly, would that be too on-the-nose?
Anonymous
5ff6779
?
No.304589
304594
1503809.png
Shorteningthename.gif
>>304585
For this Political Ponerology has some clear defined motives. Defence against the psychopath is handy as well. If it's a broad rule that always works it can be anywhere in almost any form.
(((They))) always make their own worst enemy due to their nature. They will do almost anything for their ideology (it is what keeps normal people at bay).
They are always in an us vs them situation.
The red pill is applied truth. As a statistical guideline there is almost always exceptions and there is a reason why stereotypes exist.
The type of Whatever Industry says a lot about the society, but WHO has that and Why is something to consider as well.

>>304587
How serious is the story?
Anonymous
151a159
?
No.304590
>>304587
Darn it, I was going to use that idea in my story
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.304594
304597 304598
>>304589
That's one of many things I'm struggling to decide.
While cleaning I found an ancient script I wrote for a RWBY knockoff before I turned 16. A lot of it is derivative uncreative shit but some unique ideas are worth remaking the project as a 97% original thing with what I currently know about writing and politics and worldbuilding.

When I initially wrote this I planned to just rip off the only nine shows I'd ever seen to make something completely uninspired aside from cool original fight scenes.
I even planned on ripping off "Aura" from RWBY. In RWBY everyone important has "Aura", a fighting game health bar. It's an invisible forcefield that comes from their soul and absorbs incoming damage so people can get stabbed/slashed many times in a fight without shedding a single drop of blood or taking any visible damage, until you run out of aura from all those stabs/slashes, then you're in danger. It's basically Ki from DBZ except you can't train to improve it or fire beams made of it. Unless your Semblance (One superpower per person, consumes Aura when used, typically something simple like Super Speed or Shadow Clones, most people lack superpowers) is to fire beams.
But rewatching DBZ Kai made me realize the Saiyan Saga's fights (People get injured and tired, injuries matter, by the end of it everyone's exhausted) feel cooler than the later fights where heroes fight invincible regenerating brick walls until their attacks are allowed to finish the baddie for good. That "struggling against overwhelmingly invincible foes" bit was only cool when Trunks fought the Androids.
So maybe I won't put Aura in this story. Or maybe I'll make it more like Kill La Kill's "rule of cool" armour so people can still get injured and bleed in fights while losing more blood than a human body could possibly have. Haven't decided yet.

anyway here's what I've got for the setting so far:
In a hellish fantasy world full of big monsters (nature is bad) there are small city-states full of people but no organized government because the monsters make travel immensely dangerous. Most people are fearful sheep or cogs in someone's machine but there are cool strong individuals with big weapons and unique superpowers(you get your superpower by being an individual with willpower instead of a sheep/cog) who go out and fight monsters in cool fight scenes.
Many city-states are high-tax authoritarian shitholes that suck so much that some people willingly risk death by starting new homes and towns on the frontier (closer to nature, nature is bad) to be farmers and town guards, even though frontier towns aren't as well-defended as major towns.
The hero was a military police guy for one city-state that drafts its kids to indoctrinate them, but whenever he was given orders he didn't like such as "Hurt innocents" he made sure the innocents got away. Also he ploughed many sluts in his spare time and his goal in life was to fuck one of every fuckable sentient humanoid species but he becomes a morally good person who loves monogamy once the story starts. Not sure why, maybe he meets the right woman and gets in a proper relationship with her.
He is on a quest that means he fights monsters while travelling the world to visit assorted city-states (while solving their problems or the problems of people in them) so he can gather a number of Important Things (Dragon Balls or Pokemon Gym Badges or Chaos Emeralds or something like that) because gathering them will save the world from some looming disaster somehow. The "Team Rocket" (evil organization) of this setting is jews and commies who try to subvert host nations and are behind everything bad that ever happened ever.

I've been thinking of adding an illegal made-up drug that makes you black, stupid, and aggressive until it wears off but that seemed too on-the-nose.
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.304597
304598
>>304594
oh yeah also
the hero is white and his religion is correct but worshipping that god is illegal in most city-states
the good god made the Important Things
and the existence of the Important Things is a secret thanks to the jews trying to hide them because they save the world and the jews want to conquer the world
Anonymous
151a159
?
No.304598
304603
>>304594
>>304597
Read the lore of this, maybe you can get inspiration: https://lfwb.ru/index.php?title=EN
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.304603
304605 304612
>>304598
Thank you
is it right to make up a fictional religion for the good guys to follow? I figured if they followed a real one like Christianity fans wouldn't be willing to give it a shot unless they already liked Christianity. But if they follow the holy Flodismadfer The Kindness And Sun God in a world where the baddies follow Shnii The War And Rape God the normies won't have a pre-programmed overemotional reaction to it.
Anonymous
a8e631b
?
No.304605
>>304603
I'd advise respecting your audience. If you wish to convey a message, dont infantilize it; your contempt for people who dont see things along the same lines is palpable, and is inappropriate for an author who wants their audience to enjoy their media. Dont lecture to people, and dont assume 'they'll get it, otherwise fuck them'.
In short, there is no simple solution, or easy fix.
If you want to make quality media, make quality media. There are no shortcuts or quick fixes,.
Anonymous
7935afc
?
No.304612
>>304603
>is it right to make up a fictional religion for the good guys to follow?
Yes.
>normies won't have a pre-programmed overemotional reaction to it
Yes, I think disguising things, or messages, so they cannot just be dismissed by their cover through stigmatization is the way to go.
>>304376
Thank you so much for your input. It was really helpful to me.
I haven't check your thread since I posted there, I will stand by my vow. I hope that you didn't interpret my quips at reviewing as something against you. I was mostly talking about myself and some of my persepctive. However, never ger me wrong. You're great and impressive and inspirational in what you do in your thread. It just isn't for me.

I hope to show you something greater next time senpai.
>>304490
>thinktank
Who?
Thank you for the input. I think I'll hold off on having an editor until I have improved a lot and write a bit more too.
I thought I would have proofread this but didn't end up happening. The time I should have spent proofreading this story was spent on another but it that proofreading was never finished so I posted this sotry instead, iirc.
>>304488
Well, I got an idea but since I have failed every commitment ever, we're going to keep that in mind.
How about I start a scene off right now and you just continue it. I'm not ready to go for another write-chain considering how the last one ended. with me bailing out, like the first one. But I guess I shouldn't beat myself up so hard and instead see them as minor setbacks insteadof doomsday failures but whatever

Okay, so if you feel up for it, continue this story post with one of your own.

---

The sounds of wooden chairs scraping and the chatter of customers filled Becky's pub this morning. Rays of sun light fell down through the windows in the ceiling and onto the many tables beneath.

"Hey, Becky! Another round over here!" shouted a green bipedal and gestured with its hand on an empty ale mug.

The white and brown hippogriff behind the bar nodded so her few brown feathers making up her cock's comb on her otherwise white head bounced. She unscrewed a cork from a bottle of Emerald's Whisker's whiskey and poured the green beverage into two ale mugs so foam rose to their edges and slided down the sides.

The hippogriff raised her head up and looked towards the table with the green woman with beautiful raven hair sat.

"Anon, is it just you and Easy Weather? Or does Snappy want some more as well?" Becky, the hippogriff, asked.

At the green human woman's side sat a red pegasus with and orange mane. She was wearing black leather jacket and sunglasses and her orange mane was a jagged mohawk (or whatever they are called in american) that looked like an orange bolt of lightning from the side. Next to her sat, perched in its seat, an brown eagle easily the size of a pony and just a bit smaller (unless, one includes wingspan because then the eagle would be bigger) than Anon herself. The eagle was currently picking up fish out of a small bucket and then shallowing them whole.

The red pegasus peeked over the edge of the bucket. She saw the bottom and there were only a few fishes left. She glanced at the eagle.

She smiled before she even began to speak, "Snappy, would you like some more?"

The eagle immedieately began to nuzzle the pegasus neck causing her to burst out in a fits of giggles.

"Haha, okay. Okay. Okay. I'll give you some more, just stop hehe." The mare lightly and playfully pushed the eagle away with her hooves while she laughed as if she just been tickled. The eagle seemed satified. The pegasus waved a hoof towards Becky and nodded. "Another bucket would be great."

Becky had smiled at the display and when she got the green light, she dissapeared to a room in the back and later returned with bucket of fish on her back. She brought it and tray (held in her beck) with the two mugs of green whiskey I just realized. Mugs of whiskey. Either its super weak or Anon will be walking funny. and the bucket of fish on her back.

Becky had barely put the bucket down before Snappy dug into it. Easy tossed Becky some spiral shells and the hippogriff return to work behind the bar.

That's when it happened. The door to the pub opened and in stepped a unicorn dressed in a green cloak with trail of fabric dragging after on the floor. Behind her, in the air, floating was a red eye as big as a head with a socket that flailed around eight tentacles with red and straight spikes at their ends. Smal jolts of electricity skipped between the tentacles.

Anon, who was just taking a swig of her whiskey, stopped drinking and wiped of the green liquid around her lips with the back of her hand.

"Ara ara," she said and smirked as the newcomer.

Easy inhaled and looked at the the unicorn with a serious look.

"Yes," she said. "She is finally here."
Anonymous
91f5b89
?
No.304776
304777
I drag my tongue across Fluttershy's yellow cheeks. She is so fucking tasty! Fluttershy is the best pony clearly. I know I'm lonely in having this opinion but as the old swedish saying goes, "Ten-thousend flies can't be wrong, shit taste nice."

I just wanted fuck hug her. Sadly, that will never be the case, even though I'm here in Equestria with her next to me.

"Goodboy Anon, now sit," Fluttershy says.

I sigh inwardly and and put my furry green butt on the floor. That's right, I'm dog Anon and you just punked by a narrative trick foo!

I just realized that I like Flutterhy better than Pinkie.
Anonymous
746194b
?
No.304777
304778
>>304776
>implying Fluttershy doesn't fuck dogs
TOP KEK :^)
Anonymous
91f5b89
?
No.304778
Spoilered
>>304777
Fuck you, you disgusting degenerate. That's beastiality.
Anonymous
5ff6779
?
No.304976
2033152__suggestive_twilight+sparkle_princess+luna_princess+celestia_princess+cadance_shining+armor_solo_female_pony_mare_alicorn_screencap_equestria.png
05FC404094DE6640267F511216931838-1208123.jpg
https://ponepaste.org/1661
>>304775 →
>>304720 →
Figured this might be appropriate here.
When in doubt and you want to continue do one of five things.
Write
Read
Edit
Get someone else
Post it/Publish/Finish it
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.304982
304988
I'm still writing that not-RWBY thing (clever name pending) but I need some advice

Everywhere I look in the old planning documents, I see something meant to appeal to the low-brow animufag I was back then and other low-brow animufags like who I was.
I've read a ton of books since then so now I know about worldbuilding and characters and stuff. I've also had the displeasure of working in a building full of women at one point in my life so I know how much ass it and women suck.
Anyway, the horny parts of this setting...
It's a world of mostly women so men are rare and usually get harems, everyone's got animal ears+tail (but are not full-on furries because that's gay), although I might add lamias and centaurs and other monster girls anyway because they're hot, females have stronger magic than men because they have extra magic is stored in the tits and that's why the best wizards have big ones, the hero guy has shagged a ton of babes before he gets the main quest that gives him something to do besides women and his soldier-cop job(which he should get fired from somehow), the hero's female co-workers are idealized fictional women (well they were all supposed to be cool but a few turned out obnoxious. can't decide if I should keep them in the series to make them suck on purpose or replace them with better characters), there's a female-only ethnostate full of idealized amazoness "dom in the streets, but effortlessly turned into a blushing mess of a sub in the streets and sheets" babes and the hero's the first guy allowed there in a thousand years so he shags a ton of bitches while he's there, and did I mention the handsome protagonist fucks a lot? Offscreen, because it's not full-on porn. Just an excuse to do sex jokes and fanservice now and then.

How am I supposed to make this good?
How can I say "housewives are good" in a setting where women are able to outfight men and the world needs fighters to protect it from giant monster attacks?
How can I say "Diversity is bad" when the hero's team is technically multiracial? (they're all white but everyone's a different species and from different countries)
How am I supposed to hide redpills like "Good wives are good, feminists are trash" and "fuck antifa" and "fuck jews" and "immigration doesn't solve problems, it makes them worse" and "fuck monarchy" and "governments use diversity against their citizenry" and "fuck communism" and "freedom is good" and "gun rights are good" and "evil religions are evil" and "abortion is bad" and "police states are bad" in a setting like this initially designed by a horny teenager who just wanted to draw big-tittied babes with giant swords?

On one hand, this is supposed to be a fantasy action-adventure story. And action stories usually only work when everything's so simple all the problems can be solved with violence. The real world's deep political stuff and even any religious stuff might be too complex for the average shonen's target audience of action junkies who want to see the good guy beat up the bad guy to save the universe from destruction. What good is a political message that reaches nobody because it's hidden in something that screams "generic anime"?

On the other hand, horny shows like Interspecies Reviewers and Redo Of Healer are really popular right now. Maybe I don't need to tone the sex down, maybe I need to tone it up and depict it as a bad thing. Shagging strangers at bars could be portrayed as a vice of the hero's even though he (at first) thinks it makes him cool. And few things annoy the feminists more than good horny character designs. And when most shonen anime protagonists are short bootleg-Goku prettyboys with no idea what sex is and little desire for it, making the hero a non-virgin makes him stand out, right?

When I first designed this I threw in every idea I could think of and the world ended up an unfocused mess. I knew nothing of characters and themes back then, I just wanted to do sick fight scenes of my own. Now I want themes like "freedom is good" and "only baddies want to disarm you" and "fuck all of the enemies that want me dead and my people destroyed" in this setting but I don't know how to get that serious stuff to work with the kiddy shonen-anime shite so cheesy you can almost hear the mid-00s butt-rock when you look at it.
Can I have a synopsis?
Anonymous
5ff6779
?
No.304988
305128
1534658803952.png
Yeah, a summery might be a bit helpful.
Anyway TLDR
>How am I supposed to make this good?
By writing a good story.
>>304982
...
Who is this story for?
You can not hide Red pills. Truth can't be hidden at most it is simply there yet unnoticed.
Worlds that aren't like ours apply stuff differently. It is a fundamental part. To do otherwise is to break everything up with disfunction.
The more different that world is to our own only the more broad applications might apply. The more similar is one aspect the truth is the same.
All considerations have to be done. There is a finesse and depth to truth that can be explored with the question why. Truth has parts that stem back to the furthest it can go.
<Putting everything in might not be possible unless that's the whole gimmick even then it MUST be done right.

>What good is a political message that reaches nobody because it's hidden in something that screams "generic anime"?
Because it exists.
Your line of thinking is too direct. You know who's going to find that? People that care.
> I don't know how to get that serious stuff to work with the kiddy shonen-anime shite so cheesy you can almost hear the mid-00s butt-rock when you look at it.
What makes those uncompatible?
You need to expand your mind. How you think.
Why things happen there is multiple almost uncountable reasons why. For all of that it can be shown and infered and pulled out.

If you want to write a story write it.

Why isn't it possible? What are you thinking for this project? Do you have the depth and breadth of experience? If not where can you get it? (Other forms of media do count, Simulations count, Imagined shit counts[can be further or closer to being true or not])
Remeber there are all sorts of people, and certain types of people congregate in certain places due to desires and wants.
A lot of care and consideration has to be done.
>How can I say "Diversity is bad" when the hero's team is technically multiracial?
Is everyone the problem? Is the hero team part of the issue or the 'lucky' few ignorant of it?
>The real world's deep political stuff and even any religious stuff might be too complex for the average shonen's target audience of action junkies who want to see the good guy beat up the bad guy to save the universe from destruction.
Why the fuck would it be too complex?

>When I first designed this I threw in every idea I could think of and the world ended up an unfocused mess.
What is the story supposed to be about? The heart of your story, just one sentence to capture everything THIS STORY is about.
Why do you want to toss in themes?
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.305128
305155 305162
>>304988
What is my story supposed to be about? I'm not sure, and I'm the one who wrote it.

I grew up watching a ton of anime but back when I was a young teenager inspired by RWBY (before Monty Oum died and the series got shit) I uncreatively threw together what I thought of as "cool anime stuff" and anything I considered cool at the time to create a setting full of cute chicks and then I added power-fantasy "The hero is a hot anime dude who shags a ton of bitches and has more superpowers than he's supposed to also they're the best ones" bullshit. So the hero guy kills giant monsters with his giant sword and giant guns and bangs catgirls with his giant dick while his harem of potential wives gush over how awesome he is whenever they aren't doing unfunny rom-com scenes or fanservice scenes or doing cool anime fight scene shit themselves. The hero's bucket list doesn't say "Go skydiving" and "read every classic novel", the hero's bucket list is a Monster Manual full of every species he wants to fuck one of. Also the hero's given an epic quest to save the world while travelling around it so he does that and eventually becomes its overpowered god by gathering the chaos emeralds before Bootleg Team Rocket can. I know I should throw out that last part, because one character becoming god would make sequels and spinoffs impossible. A hero just isn't cool if everything special about him comes from a few magic rocks instead of the result of a lifetime of training and effort, right?

When I try to figure out what this confused mess is supposed to be...

I guess it's just supposed to be an excuse for cool fight scenes in a futuristic fantasy world, and a horny teen's fantasy about being the most important dude who saves it while fucking over 90 hot anime girls.
That's what it was supposed to be then. But now, I want it to be good.

I'm glad I was too lazy to finalize and upload the trainwreck this series would have been back then if it was finished. I'm kind of tempted to do that public self-flagellation some youtubers do where they expose art/fanfics they made at age 9 and cringe at it, as if children are expected to be pro artists/writers from day one. But I also don't want to give away major details that would compromise OpSec and let people figure out who I am.

There are a ton of characters in the old story who are just ripped off from things I liked, and female characters who are just copies of characters I was attracted to at the time. I've remixed them and rewritten them, changed their appearances, given them different story roles and better backstories that make them more unique and interesting characters. Some were combined, some were deleted, some were turned into the opposite of what they were, some were turned into deconstructions and reconstructions of what they initially represented. I'm really proud of what I did with this one chick I can't say anything about.

On one hand, there are some original ideas in this story that deserve to see the light of day despite the derivative crap surrounding them. I want my story to make the world a better place. I feel like I need to try and hide redpills that might help audience members see the truth about the world. Even if it doesn't magically reshape the world overnight, I want to try. Maybe I don't need to put all the redpills in this thing, just some important ones.
But at the same time, modern media tropes rely on anti-truth. The anti-truth that a woman with a few self-defense classes under her belt could defeat a whole room of buff male professional fighters. The anti-truth that men and women are equally capable of being heroes. The anti-truth that a secret government organization that hides magical bullshit from the common folk would be good people instead of tyrants warring on the populace to control them from the shadows. The anti-truth that how good a life a nation provides for its people depends on how good a person its king/queen is and that a dying nation's bad times can be ended instantly by helping the secret prince/princess take the throne after killing the current pretender. The anti-truth that a tiny woman could lift and swing a massive magic sword and defeat giant monsters so large their bones would realistically crumble under the weight of their own flesh if they existed in a setting with realistic physics. The anti-truth that it's okay to be gay or slutty or both. The anti-truth that a character is cool if he fucks a ton of women. The anti-truth that there's something wrong with loving and wanting to protect your own race and fuck exclusively within your own race. The anti-truth that a diverse team is better than a team of the same race, and that a diverse team of the best swordsman and the best gunman and the best dancer and the best singer and the best mechanic and so on would naturally occur if you traveled the world while picking up one new DND party member for each location you visit on the fantasy world map.
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.305155
305169
>>305128
No More Heroes dedicates a lot of time to making the hero Travis look like a loser/idiot and making his hyper violent world look shit. I was thinking something like that would be great. Could make the hero someone who thinks he's awesome but isn't, and part of his Hero's Journey is going from an annoying little shit to an older and more mature genuine hero.
And really, it would suck to live in a setting like RWBY. It's a world full of humans and humans with animal ears/tails plus an endlessly respawning pure evil race of monsters called The Grimm. Basically Heartless from Kingdom Hearts or Hollows from Bleach. If you aren't born with a shitton of Aura (videogame healthbar forcefield thing) and a good superpower you're a helpless civilian in a world where kids with a lot of aura go to Combat Schools to learn to make cool combo-weapon sword-guns and fight monsters until they graduate and typically inevitably die to monsters on a battlefield somewhere.

What if the renamed but still-evil Jews created The Heartless in this setting?
Anonymous
705eedc
?
No.305162
305168 305177
>>305128
The redpill is to see the world as it is, rather than what others tell you it is; it is to work with nature toward the betterment of your people, not work against her. You can praise your people's virtues and condemn your people's vices all you like, but if they are not the natural virtue and vice of the peoples about whom you write, it is not a true redpill.

Environment impacts genetics, genetics impact behavior, behavior impacts the environment. Who are the peoples? How did they develop? How do these peoples interface with the environment? Have there been significant changes to the environment that genetics haven't adapted to yet "The industrial revolution and its consequences..."?

Why are there more women than men? What impact would a smaller male breeding pool have on genetics? To what extent is inbreeding a cause for concern? Who gets to have sex? How do individuals who are structurally unlikely to reproduce behave? >Rape? How precious of a resource is the male breeding population? How does that impact how males are treated and what threats they might be exposed to?

Why would a female be able to out-compete a male in combat? Would a capable female and male fighter be effective in combat for the same reasons? In what ways are the sexes different? How debilitating is menstruation and pregnancy? How does this impact gender roles? How does this impact what traits are selected for when individuals choose mates?

What do these people's societies value? What are their priorities? How do these societies allocate resources? What threats do they face? What do their hierarchies look like? Do the elites act in or against the interest of the common people? What are commonly held opinions of the elites held by the common people? How do the elites perceive the common people? How are conflicts within a society resolved? Does this vary based on class?

These questions are rhetorical, I'm not actually looking for an answer.
Anonymous
7fd8f91
?
No.305168
305169 305173 305177
rwby___code_raven_by_anonamos701_dd6jgqw-fullview.jpg
>>305162
This sort of seems like bad advice to me.
I get the idea of posing questions for your setting and plot and then answer them. I do, however, think this sort of thing will just overwhelm you.
You don't have to answer all of the questions in your setting, because fucking hell man, no offence, just focus on the important ones and accept imperfection.
I have lately found that a better place to start with your story is to start with the characters in the world. The character are what's gong to act upon everything and it is through them intresting things like morality and other stuff can be explored.
But also to focus on just doing thing with the things you establish.
I recently watched RWBY all the way though to season 7 episode 2. I think it is a good show. Sad about the lesbianism in the sixth season though.
Anonymous
7fd8f91
?
No.305169
>>305155
>>305168
Meant to post to you as well.
Anonymous
705eedc
?
No.305173
305176
>>305168
Oh god, I didn't mean to imply that was a starting place. The intended message was more "don't try to push messages/themes into a setting that doesn't support it."
Anonymous
7fd8f91
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No.305176
>>305173
Ah, it's fine. Sorry, I misunderstood.
Anonymous
f4e1903
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No.305177
305179 305202
RWBYngo.png
>>305162
>>305168
This is good, keep the questions coming. I need to figure all this shit out if I'm going to make the setting make sense for a story that's supposed to be more than "The world's the way it is because it seemed cool at the time, The Heartless is constantly attacking humanity so sick fights can happen anywhere, the planet's mostly full of idealized magical warrior women because at the time I thought they were sexy and my OC should bone most of them"
I was thinking the ever-present threat of The Grimm in the wilds would result in pockets of well-defended civilization that have little contact with or trade with one another outside of heavily armed Caravans. So one city can be a shithole under the rule of a shitty king and the people there are forced to stay in this city because outside its walls are literal monsters and in the black market people sell their organs and sell each other into slavery to get money to afford a ticket out of here and into a safer place. Another city can be a constitutional republic where everyone owns firearms and defends themselves from monsters and criminals and it's great. Another city can be some other thing. I'm starting to really like the idea of making one designated "amazoness stone-age paradise zone" that starts off like a fetishy fantasy but is revealed to be a totalitarian shithole because women are dumb and overemotional and religiously keeping men as breeding stock means they can't maintain a civilized society and invent the good shit that got societies out of the stone age.

I remember tons of reviewers complaining that The Grimm don't affect RWBY's world enough.
When they weren't complaining about how the heroes don't get enough screentime that isn't wasted since so much time gets taken up by Jaune (audience-surrogate bootleg-Sokka without his charm who's nonsensically put in charge of 3 one-note characters with a boring team dynamic. Seriously who is Pyrrha to Nora and Ren? How well do Ren and Pyrrha get along? Pyrrha wastes so much time pining for the world's dullest self-insert and praising him like a mom we never see any side of her personality outside of volume 3 besides boring love interest and teacher and "cool girl's sad about being on a pedestal" EVEN THOUGH SHE USES HER SECRET SEMBLANCE TO CHEAT TO STAY THERE AND SHE'S AT A SCHOOL FULL OF PRODIGIES LIKE RUBY. WHO WAS PYRRHA TO RUBY/WEISS? What would Blake say to Pyrrha about fame and muh racisms if they ever spoke? We'll never know because the writers wasted potentially-interesting character ideas) and Ozpin/Oscar (bootleg Avatar without the coolness and he can summon Avatar Roku on command to exposit/fight for him and they'll gradually merge anyway meaning no awesome re-learning of the elements).

The story (at first) happens in big cities away from the Grimm-infested wilds, but Ruby's nice cabin in the woods wasn't in any more danger than a street corner in Beacon. It makes no sense for people to be racist towards the Faunus (bad emotions attract grimm) and it makes no sense for the Faunus to stay in areas where they are supposedly discriminated against when they have their own tropical-paradise ethnostate. They say their ethnostate is crowded (guess they really do fuck like bunnies, someone give them condoms or tell them to legalize horse bestiality) but it wasn't as crowded as the massive warehouses full of racist anti-human White Fang terrorists who booed Torchwick for being human and were completely on board (heh heh, board. heh heh train. train humor) with his "use a train full of dust to blow a hole in the town's defenses and let Grimm in to kill everyone" plan. The Faunus say they helped humanity in a war and "were promised equality but didn't get it" as if that somehow justifies their bullshit. How the fuck does any of this make sense? Equality isn't something you can just be given like a sandwich. Equality under the law is a thing but if 80% of a race acts like scumbags (Count every named good faunus character. they won't outnumber the warehouses full of genocidal terrorists on human soil) should humans be forced at gunpoint to treat these animals better than they treat people? should humans be forced at gunpoint to roll over when meritocracy dies and people lose their jobs to make room for underqualified divershitty hires? Hell, even after Beacon falls, the "waycism" bullshit still doesn't stop.
The world already has the perfect villain: The Grimm. Nature only evil. A neverending stream of monsters to kill. A pure evil monster race working for a retarded evil monster queen and her cackling evil lackeys. Why overcomplicate things with this racism subplot the authors don't know what to do with? It's impossible to tell if the authors are bluepilled cucks who suck at making their side look good or secretly based geniuses who memorized every single terrorist attack the nigs ever did in the name of their own "equality".
The Grimm are supposedly attracted to negative emotions, so you'd think the world would be full of fake sunshine-and-rainbows bullshit with mandatory happiness where criminals are either medicated into fake happiness or executed so their misery won't attract Grimm. Season 3's tournament arc that ends in disaster and invasion was there because Naruto did that first, but realistically why would a world facing threats like this put fighters on TV in direct combat where anyone can lose?
When Yang was mindfucked into breaking Mercury's leg, the audience's big sadness attracted Grimm.
But wouldn't each tournament match your country doesn't win cause a similar (if less severe) shockwave?
Must be tough to fight on TV in front of millions. Must be tougher knowing that if you disappoint or piss off your country the negative emotions could attract the Grimm in those nations to populated areas.
Wouldn't it make more sense for them to televise Olympics where there are technically no losers, or something cute like a dog show?

I don't want my worldbuilding to suck like RWBY's
Anonymous
7fd8f91
?
No.305179
305185
5ae.jpg
>>305177
I don't think RWBY's worldbuilding sucks. There is a difference between something, great, functional, and bad. While Rwby's worldbuilding isn't great or perfect, it doesn't suck.
I think that this is an important distinction to make.

Just look at the worldbuilding, story, and characters for the show and count their merits. You will see that it actually got a lot of it.

But on the topic of your world and story. I think you should focus on... perhaps the plot first. Since that is even closer to what happens in the first place. Events lead to other events which if you want to you can derive a moral from.

In one of GG's latest post in his FE review thread, he talked about how one should, in hiw view, be able to summarize a story in a few sentences, or rather, in my view he talked about the plot.
Without reading into the underlaying things of themes and character archs what happens in your story. Can you summon up what happens in the story in a few sentence. Like, don't explain why but what happens.
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.305185
>>305179
I don't hate RWBY's functional worldbuilding, like how there are four kingdoms because the author says so and they take design inspiration from different IRL cultures because Avatar did that and it makes them visually distinct. I can appreciate when a worldbuilding element is just there to answer a logical question with an incredibly short and good enough answer.

It's the stuff that seems poorly thought out that bugs me like how the fact that bad emotions attract grimm doesn't reshape the world around it as humans take that into consideration. I've seen fanfics that try to flesh this out one nation's full of casual nudist sex maniacs and another nation's full of stuffy stuck-up military dudes who think showing emotion is shameful and made feelings illegal but in a world like this why is Beacon ordinary? Where's its "Hat" so to speak, to use the Planet Of Hats meme?

The plot of my story... For the longest time it didn't have one. I never got around to that. Trying to get every kingdom to give him their Plot Coupon so he can cash them in to save the world somehow seems cliche but it's become a cliche because it's such a great trope. I guess the hero needs some kind of reason to justify him travelling around the world to look at the locations I worked on and think "man some of these places suck thabks to political views I disagree with" and do sidequests there before getting on with the main quest. Something needs to push him out of his comfort zone, otherwise he'd just remain a loser in a city he hates. In a world where travel is risky most people wouldn't just travel for fun unless they could afford guards or kill any monster they expected to run into. Something needs to drive the story forwards and it would just be weird if the hero graduated from being a drafted military guy and had a mid life crisis at 20 trying to figure out what to do with his life while wandering from place to place. I know I want the hero to kill a lot of baddies but any plot's better than the shit I wrote initially. Giving the hero one of nine Plot Coupons at the end of every major story arc helps make the story feel rewarding and give things a sense of forward momentum, right? But what could those plot coupons be? Magic gemstones that summon a diety when gathered? Keys to a door the baddies want to open because it would destroy the universe? Shards of a shattered alien magic superweapon from the time of ancient super-advanced precursors before humanity nuked itself back into the stone ages to redo civilization on a planet full of monsters of their own creation? Travelling to specific places to learn a set of skills like Bending or travelling to temples around the world like how Yuna had to collect the Aeons? Or maybe a cultural thing like the Pokemon Badges where the badges don't really have any inherent power but you need to fight the region's best fighters to get the complete set before you can face the region's real best fighters and then you're number one.
Anonymous
af5a2f4
?
No.305202
305217
>>305177
>no LGBT characters is listed as a flaw
Why are you posting such cringe? This is much better: https://youtu.be/GkOlhFhpGIk
I haven't watched RWBY but it's clear that it's an awful show that is incompetently made, so one shouldn't expect anything better from its worldbuilding, either.
Anonymous
846a1da
?
No.305217
305218 305234
>>305202
>no LGBT characters is listed as a flaw
No, I listed that there is LGBT characters in the show as a flaw.
>I haven't watched RWBY but it's clear that it's an awful show
No, it's not clear, however, that sort of thinking is bad. Don't trust analysts and reviewers to make your opinion of show for you. Watch some of it and come to your own conclusions, or don't. It's all up to you.
For me, there was a lot to like.

I have watched the video now.
He doesn't even prove his points and he has a very dismissive commentary. As in, he literally goes, "Nothing happens in season 4." Yet, he is objectively wrong just as he is when he states that, "The video (for the show) is aweful," and, "Nobody uses dust in the series."
Also, just because you can point to a character's core concept and say that that concept has been used before doesn't mean, that character or the show at large is bad. It depends on how it plays out.
He made some okay points but they were few.
Bottom line is that, RWBY has flaws but this video was unfair and didn't provide support for it's claims.

But whatever, say are you currently writing on something yourself?
Anonymous
af5a2f4
?
No.305218
305230 305234
>>305217
EZ PZ is discount E;R, don't take everything he says too seriously but he brings up valid complaints imo.
>But whatever, say are you currently writing on something yourself?
Yes, I am >>302817 but my project is on a short-term hiatus until I take care of personal matters.
Anonymous
846a1da
?
No.305230
305232
>>305218
>my project is on a short-term hiatus until I take care of personal matters.
Okay, that makes sense.
Btw, was it you had plans on making a story about a military Anon pairing up with Rainbow Dash and then joining some diamond dogs because they couldn't stop loving war or something (sorry, if I misremember). Is that the project you are currently working on?
Anonymous
af5a2f4
?
No.305232
>>305230
No, mine is very different. I'll elucidate later.
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.305234
305242
MG-207.jpg
>>305218
Can you list any valid complaints he made?
>>305217
Normies are used to seeing gay characters as something normal and they're programmed with such a knee-jerk reaction to "homophobia" that the accusation of it is an attack. Is it worth trying to do a "Don't be gay" message or should I just stick to "These big political ideas are shit and they made these cities shit"?
Faggotry might have opened the doors to worse perversions but the average normie only has a chance of seeing anything wrong with the newest perversions the left's trying to normalize. I should probably stick to depicting those new perversions as bad things and gloss over gay people or say "Good gay people are based and love white people for giving them rights they'd never get in the third world, bad gays are pedophiles and perverts and cowardly bullies who harass innocents and demand special treatment and irrationally loathe straight people while hiding behind their sexuality when criticized for anything".

>everyone
Speaking of fantasy-races like the Faunus from RWBY, I've been thinking about shows with animal-people like Zootopia, Monster Musume, and A Centaur's Life, and how they handled their fantasy-races+topics like racism/worldbuilding/how different animals fit into society.

In A Centaur's Life you can get arrested for riding a Centaur. Even if the Centaur consents, it's legally a Hate Crime(TM). Centaurs have even saved unconscious people by putting them on their backs and carrying them to hospitals, only for the person they carried to get arrested despite the hero's protests.
Also TV shows for kids say bullshit about the necessity of electoral systems that keep majorities from having absolute power since some races breed more than others or something. That's weird. I haven't finished the show so I don't know it it goes further.

Zootopia doesn't try to pretend a Bunny can just instantly pass obstacle courses meant for bigger animals by believing in herself hard enough.
It doesn't try to pretend a bunny girl can effortlessly flip a rhino man more than four times her weight so hard he passes out, it admits she'd need to jump around and bounce off boxing ropes for the momentum before she could hurt him.
It doesn't try to pretend racism begins and ends at "The baddies are evil and oppress the helpless good guys but a little bit of protesting or revealing Our Truth to everyone or a lot of violence magically fixes everything overnight".
This show inspired men who'd normally never speak up to say shit online like "Seeing that scene where the big predator was just there on public transportation but the tiny prey animals were scared of him even though he did nothing wrong reminded me of all the times women reacted like that to seeing a man like me".
Zootopia says racism affects everyone in different ways but good people who rise above this can make a positive difference in the world.
I wouldn't give it a medal, but it's closer to reality than most "special victims good, white-coded villains bad" shows and it really pissed off the left because this story about fictional animal racism and prejudice wasn't used as an excuse to push their myths on the subject.

In Monster Musume, monster girls aren't allowed to harm humans. Not even in self-defense. So the cops have the murder-happy police unit made of monster girls led by a human woman - the group's called M.O.N. - to handle any "Orcs took hostages in a manga store full of OrcXHuman porn" problems. These problems are usually handled with bloodshed.
And human gangs sometimes molest monster girls who can't legally fight back without getting arrested. But it's a fantasy so single human men can punch out entire rape gangs when your spider-waifu isn't there to harmlessly web them up to keep them from raping.
The show admits people are different depending on their race and species, and while it tends to romanticize that for the sake of the fantasy that you could apply to the govt to get your own perfect homestay monster girl waifu with superpowers and weird animal parts, your house would need to be reshaped to suit her physical needs/mobility challenges. It's a fantasy so the government handles the costs of making your house huge enough for giant centaur ass and giving it a home gym for your dog-girl waifu and giving it an indoor swimming pool for your mermaid wife.
There's one guy who says he's making a documentary but he really wants to make a video of the Harpy waifu giving birth to eggs since freaks love that.
Having a dog IRL isn't easy, there are challenges. And some dogs can be too challenging even though dog-romanticizing media downplays this and downplays the challenges that come with having a woman with its "Any dog can be good if loved enough and no women are bad!" bullshit.
But this show admits it: You'd constantly face challenges where her animal nature makes her act weird, but they're idealized challenges that result in sexual scenarios or fanservice cliches most of the time instead of "Your dog-wife chased after a car and died in a traffic accident" or "Your shark waifu bit someone's head off for calling you a loser so she's getting arrested and you're getting fined for not preventing this like the adult human should" or "the random woman your thirsty slimegirl waifu groped into nutting in public is suing for sexual harassment" or "Your spider girl webbed up and killed and ate your landlord because she thought it would make a nice anniversary gift".
There's also the "It's not legal for humans and monster-girls to fuck, except after a while the author decides it's fine as long as they get married first" thing. I didn't like that. This show initially had an excuse for the human guy to not want to bone his hot monster girls, but this just means he could choose one, and nothing's stopping him from getting laid besides his inability to choose best girl from his harem. "The guy can't choose" is a more common harem-anime plot than "The guy legally can't plough any of them".
Anonymous
af5a2f4
?
No.305242
305247
>>305234
>Can you list any valid complaints he made?
I honestly couldn't care less about that show, so if I must concede so be it. If you think whatever he said is bad is actually good so be it, I won't stop you.

>I should probably stick to depicting those new perversions as bad things and gloss over gay people
It really depends on a variety of factors. Firstly, how skilled you are in wrapping the topic in analogy. If you never mention a sensitive topic to the point it misses more bluepilled (read:hopeless and angerable) readers, but build an analogy well enough that a significant number question their held views, you've succeeded. It's harder than it sounds, though.
Secondly, how strongly you want to handle a topic. This depends on your target audience but also on how direct your messaging is. Directness should be inversely proportional to depth of topic. You could probably handle criticizing sacred cows if allusion is vague, but if it's on-the-nose you'll attract vitriol. On the other hand/hoof, you can get away with a light veil if you're criticizing a more current/fierce controversy, like trannies competing in women's sports, though this is more purple-pilled.
Thirdly, scope of your redpill. Scope should likewise be inversely proportional to how direct you are. If you're writing redpills about every problem modern society faces and want the audience to know it, you might as well write a manifesto. You can get away with a broad redpill by writing a traditional/based society where modern social issues simply don't exist (think Middle Earth) and presenting it as a more attractive place than our own. However, if you're taking aim at a problem in particular then it's probably best to focus on just one and make sure it enhances the story, not just the other way around. Really competent writers can get away with several separate redpills without detracting from the story, but it's clearly not easy.
Fourthly, the nature of your story. If you have to take the story on a tangent to explain why some particular evil is a problem, then that's a sign you need to revisit something. It should all flow together.

Writing is an art, not a science, and I'm not some great writer, but I think these guidelines would help. Try to avoid over-reaching and going on an author's rant; people instinctively know when a message is forced and it's unpleasant even if you agree with it.

>Zootopia
That's a good example. It's not a really "based and redpilled" movie but neither is it cringy. Positive messages can be taken from it such as a distrust in government manufacturing/using a panic to keep people divided. No doubt at the time the writers intended the carnivores to be interpreted more like black people (though even this raises the questions of deepset psychological differences between carnivores and herbivores, and how crime statistics may line up with this) but these days the treatment of whites is so similar to the movie's plot one could see it as prescient. No doubt that's a reason progs hate it, because its viewpoint is that of centrists and centrists are racism enablers in their eyes.

>Monster Musume
Not familiar with it, but I'm pretty sure it's a hentai. That's an interesting setup whereby monster girls are essentially second-class citizens in an intelligent fashion rather than a "I'm racist so I give arbitrary restrictions muahahaha" strawman. Monster girls are clearly sapient but lack self-control and fully rational behavior so they're somewhere between animals and humans.
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.305247
305480
x90j7hv66kq61.jpg
>>305242
I don't want to win an argument about the show, I want to know what you liked about the video so I'll have more RWBY-related stuff to think about.

Thanks for the advice, I'll keep that in mind.
I like how in A Centaur's Life humanity doesn't exist and the assorted races evolved to be humanish just because.
Plus there are schools where the coridoors have enough water for mermaids to get around and this world's idea of a mobility aid for a mermaid is a robotic horse prosthesis.

I was thinking about how The Maidens in RWBY are four secret superpowered people who, when dying, pass the superpowers on to a random girl somewhere around the world. Cinder's figured out how to steal those powers.
1. why are these 4 secret?
2. how are they kept secret when they're so obviously abnormal?
3. what makes magic "all that" when semblances can do anything magic can do? sure one wizard can cast 8 different spells but 8 people with semblances that replicate the effects of those spells can do anything he can?
4. how do hereditary semblances function if semblances are supposed to be extensions of your personality/influences on your personality/neither?
5. how is "we didn't want people going after these girls for their power" a good excuse for hiding the existence of the four big-deal super-people? how can so many people want their power and know how to get it?
6. why does Penny have a random scene with Jaune and die for fucking Winter just to pass her powers on to Winter when Ruby's the one who needs them more and would get better emotional scenes?

also

Wouldn't it make The Maidens terrible and greedy people if they chose to retire and get old and get looked after in care homes instead of dying on the battlefield like good little magic warriors for the sake of everyone's safety?
nothing makes individual Maidens special beyond what they inherit and the sooner they die, the sooner their powers can be inherited by the next generation. It would make sense for a thirty-something Maiden to try and stay alive to fight another day since dying means giving that power to a newborn baby who won't be able to use her godlike powers to crush Grimm until she's at least 10ish but this right here is just bullshit. An old Boomer cunt who hoards the world-saving magical power and refuses to do her job yet also refuses to pass it on or pass on...
The story had the perfect setup to create the embodiment of everything Cinder seems to hate right now (they'll rewrite and retcon her next season probably) but nothing deep ever happens between these two characters. Hell, it's almost a smart critique of Avatar's reincarnation system, since in a setting where age is real and 80-somethings/200-somethings can't outfight armies solo, an old tired useless avatar just takes up room and prolongs the rise of a newer better one able to use the power he or she's born with for the good of all.

But for real, I don't want my story to turn out shit like RWBY.
I hate how the "Gods and Ozpin/Oscar" stuff detract from the story.
Tite Kubo's Bleach has everything revolve around Aizen and Ichigo to the point where he's why everything happened, but it's so Ichigo can still fight the final boss. It's not what he signed up for but Ichigo still drives the plot. Ichigo's still the hero guy.
Avatar Aang is forced to fight the Fire Nation in the present because he ran from them in the past just as his predecessor Roku ran away from admitting Sozin's crazy and needs to go down. He can meaningfully overcome the flaws that hinder him and he beats the final boss using energybending (asspull spirit deus ex machina) to respect his no-kill airbending teachings (clever and deep). honestly if they foreshadowed energybending in Won She Tong's spirit library for about 5 seconds before moving on with the Solar Eclipse shit it would have been perfect.
Team RWBY isn't meaningfully involved in any of the lore.
First the gods can't revive ozpin even though Salem wants him back because "muh balance" but then like two minutes later the gods revive him anyway and say "humanity's shit and we need you to solve the problems we created and reunite humanity" and they curse him with reincarnation (just to be arbitrarily different from her immortality) but Salem was able to unite all of humanity (at the time) against the Gods.
You'd think Ozpin would become the head of a religious institution with members in all four nations to try and bring people together but no, Ozpin rules one of four nations instead and does little to bring them together.
It kind of reminds me of how the black guy in Panty and Stocking was sent back in time and forced to live through everything. Except these gods did everything wrong and with no moral lesson in mind. And humanity's supposed to earn their respect to get its magic back, when magic was such a great thing for fighting the Grimm? "There were two brothers and the good god was good and the bad god was bad" is already a shit religion but they find a way to make it worse. Even ripping off Adam And Eve so Salem is Eve the bitch who ate the apple of darkness to bring darkness into the world in the form of Grimm (but because Eve's evil and selfish she'd rather kill everyone and rule a Grimm-filled world alone than share it with humans) would have worked better. Ozpin's reincarnation is a bootleg Avatar without anything that made him unique and cleverly designed.
I kept thinking the writers were making the gods shit on purpose so Ruby could summon the Gods after gathering all 4 Relics/Maidens and say "FUCK YOU, GODS! KEEP YOUR MAGIC, TAKE OUR SEMBLANCES AWAY IF YOU WANT, BUT TAKE YOUR MISTAKES LIKE GRIMM AND SALEM AND OZPIN WITH YOU!"
You know, kind of like that scene with Ed and Truth from Fullmetal Alchemist and willingly giving up your magic to get your brother back. Except in this case Ruby the "simpler soul", the small sweet innocent little puppy dog, makes history as the first RWBY character to say fuck and spits in the face of the gods who failed.
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.305250
305285 305287 305288 305296
Hell, maybe it would be cool if I took my take on RWBY's maidens and made them a part of my story, so the hero can say "Fuck you, maidens" when it's all revealed to the hero that dumb rulers who thought they were doing the right thing decided to hoard the four Maidens away "To save them for when they're needed the most, because it would really fucking suck if a day came when we really needed all 4 maidens but their powers were currently stored within toddlers unable to fight" instead of letting them fight the Grimm and bandits on battlefields of their choice until they die and pass the powers on. The totalitarian governors could also have an ulterior motive: These four Maidens said yes to doing nothing and waiting for "the right time" but if they die and pass their powers on, more rebellious spirits might get these powers and prove harder to control, maybe even decide these governors need to be crushed and replaced.

And maybe instead of saying what I don't want my story to be like I should say what I want for this story.

I want this story to have-

Hang on a second, The Maidens only exist because Ozpin passed on his magical powers to those four, delegating his powers to them without passing on his will (uniting humanity to impress the gods and defeating Salem) and letting countless women get death sentences from birth as Maidens, inheritors of Ozpin's magic but not his true mission. God, everything about RWBY's worse than it's supposed to be. Don't get me started on the Faunus or we'll be here all year.

Anyway I want this story to have awesome fight scenes but I've already written a ton of those. I want this story to have hot characters so I've already made most of them.
I really love how balls-to-the-wall insane Guilty Gear can be. This kind of wild creativity... That's the kind of spirit I want for my setting. Everything's extreme. Everything's turned up to 11. Everything's metal as fuck. There's an evil god and it's well-written.

Btw, I was thinking... What if women were artificially promoted regardless of merit in this setting because society didn't want men in the workforce, and instead wanted stay-at-home husbands helping their harems pump out kids year-round to make up for the losses incurred by the perpetual motion machine grinding away at humanity known as The GrimmHeartlessHollows?
Men could still travel to try and grow their harems but governments would prefer men stay at home and apply for govt-assigned girlfriends so the govt can manipulate mankind's genes because they don't want strong people to be born in the lower class where they might decide the government sucks.
The idea that a government would institute anti-meritocratic hiring policies to affect birthrate and desire to control the reproduction of its people... It makes sense for this setting. It makes sense that a world ruled by women that want to control men would think of it, especially if only men could inherit the AvatarMaiden power. It makes sense to say "fuck hiring vaginas over merit" here. The idea that workplace policies and government policies can affect birth rates is there. And it's turned on its head here so normies won't have an emotional reaction and scream "reeee you want a world of housewives instead of le beautiful stronk independent men!" even though "stronk" women still lust after bigger stronger richer men and feel entitled to them even if they have nothing good to offer them. It would also make the hero dude "stunning and brave" for trying to make it in a woman's world as a soldier without the powers of a Maiden.

I should really think of a better word for Maiden than what RWBY went with.
Anonymous
bf5d4a9
?
No.305285
305286 305298
>>305250
>I should really think of a better word for Maiden than what RWBY went with.
>Better
What is this mindset? There was literally nothing wrong with the word maiden. It was functional at least.
But is focusing on the names really that important right now? Are you still planning to have four of them? And are they stilled bound to the concept of one for each season? Why do they exist in your world?
Can you describe your mc's personality to me or his core traits?
Anonymous
bf5d4a9
?
No.305286
>>305285
Actually, I take that back. Looking for something better doesn't mean that it is necessarily bad.
Anonymous
a8e631b
?
No.305287
305289
>>305250
>awesome fight scenes but I've already written a ton of those
Yes, I'm sure your audience would totally agree that the fight scenes you've written are/were 'awesome'
Anonymous
bf5d4a9
?
No.305288
305289
>>305250
Also, you write too much about RWBY in your posts, unnecessarily much, imo. There are examples in your text where you bring up the series without those tangents being related to discussing how to craft your own story. It's not a big deal but please try to talk about your story and the crafting of it first and foremost and then if you see reason to it, bring up RWBY for comparision.
A few of excerpts of your posts can be said to only talk about RWBY and not your own story. That's not what this thread is about.
Otherwise, it's fine.
Anonymous
bf5d4a9
?
No.305289
305291
>>305287
Sooo... Are you currently writing something frien?
>>305288
This isn't a big deal really. I don't want people to be afraid of posting things that might be a bit unrelated at times. My position is that yoiu don't need to think about it but, it can go too far. If it does, I see no reason why a discussion thread, even if it just becomes a short slider thread; wouldn't be a good idea to take the conversation to.
Anonymous
a8e631b
?
No.305291
305292
>>305289
Of course. It affects different protags differently, but its effectively a coming of age, rising to the challenge, giving closure to the old generation type story. It takes place in different worlds, sequentially and sometimes simultaneously, including FoE, and a more traditional D&D fantasy setting.
Anonymous
bf5d4a9
?
No.305292
305294
>>305291
>giving closure to the old generation type story
Woo!
That sounds intresting. Care to elborate? It makes me think of some kind of mentor character who failed their task but their disciple finishes it for them kinda deal.
Anonymous
a8e631b
?
No.305294
305296
>>305292
>mentor character
That's, not exactly right, but it's a close parallel.
Basically, in the previous installment (yes, there is a precursor) certain things that were intended to happen got sidelined and obstructed. While the overall adversity was effectively subverted, this set in motion a greater threat that took time to materialize, and the 'old guard' is insufficient to address the new challenges. Specifically, the old guard were notorious and easy to compromise due to their fame and activities. Think MLP season 6 finale in theme (OGs are out, time for the newfags to save the day).
Anonymous
bf5d4a9
?
No.305296
305297 305298
>>305294
I think I get it. Well, regardless you don't have to post it here if you're not comforatble with that but I also want to remind your that you're welcome to post an excerpt of your story here if you wish for anyone to read it.

I have been working on one scene and been thinking a lot on in which order I should present my information to the reader in my text. It is pony related and when I'm done, I'll post it here.
I also try to challenge myself more when I do stuff because think that when you view something as a challange, you're more motivated to finish the work than if it is just work.

>>305250
I got an idea. There is this merit to RWBY which is about how their weapons have two modes, sometimes more (Wiess). I think that this is pretty creative. Is that something you will have for your characters weapons or will you go for something else when it comes to weaponry?
Anonymous
a8e631b
?
No.305297
>>305296
Oh, dont you worry, its gonna get posted
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.305298
>>305285
Good point I meant a word more fitting for the concept it becomes once I change things up to suit my setting.
We're told the four maidens have four seasons and four powers along with four words like choice and knowledge but what does that mean? If the genie of the lamp of knowledge answers any question does that mean the genie of the lamp of creation can make anything? Does the genie of choice get to let people make choices for others?
At first it seemed the Maidens just got weather power themed around their elements which would logically make them stronger than Glue Shoes McGee or Loud Nigra: Trumpet Edition. It fits within the world while still putting them above most semblances and potentially stacking this power on top of whatever your semblance is. But then they're pulling out multiple elements and having Pokemon Movie 1 ball battles and DBZ fights in the sky. Their powers blur together to make them less distinct from one another. In a world where everyone has Dust crystals with the powers of the elements and weapons that interact with these crystals and Semblances that can be any one superpower and interact with these crystals it just seems redundant to add yet more elemental stuff when this is supposed to be the last of Ozpin's magic split into four. Who would win if someone in an Ice Dust dress like Cinder's old fire dress, someone with an icebending semblance, someone with a gunsword loaded with ice dust, and the Winter Maiden fought? Whichever one the author arbitrarily decided has enough power level to make the others redundant and inferior.
I don't like the idea that the four bootleg avatars were given their powers by a fifth worse bootleg avatar, it all feels like some argument at the writer's room was won by Monty and after he died the writers retconned in the only takes on these ideas they wanted in their story. Suddenly the Maidens become glorified McGuffin keys for opening doors to four Plot Coupons that do stuff and everything connects back to the Ozpin and Salem stuff they said they thought of at the start. Surely if the heroes have to gather four things making them people the audience can care about is better than making them objects containing genies.
The name Maiden is kind of genius. They need to be saved from Salem and Team CMEN so they are the ancient fairy tale's typical maiden in need of rescue but at the same time they're superpowered badasses because RWBY wants everyone to be one of those. They were gifted with immense power but it's a curse that makes people want their power for themselves. Seems unrealistic that Ozpin's Illuminati could make the world forget them and would want to but whatever.
As for the RWBY references it's not that RWBY itself inspired my story directly. RWBY being made inspired me to try and make my own similarly derivative show from a set of concepts I liked or disliked and wanted to change up at the time. It's a different mix of ideas but when I think of "good ideas executed poorly resulting in snowballing cascading failures" I think of RWBY. Because the White Fang are pure evil Blake seems evil or dumb for ever getting involved with them and because she's forced into Yang's love interest it throws away the Sun and Blake buildup and messes with Yang's character (especially since she already met her mom and wasn't impressed. Life goal achieved) and because the authors say "the white fang's peaceful but fiery protests worked where boycots and peaceful protests didnt" at first fans of lefty violence get mad when the heroes eventually defeat the White Fang for being evil.
>>305296
Yep, most weapons in my story get at least two modes because it suits a big theme I'm going for where there's more to everything than meets the eye. Especially characters that seem shallow and archetypical at first on purpose but then have depth revealed. When someone uses a weapon that's just one thing it's a sign that something unusual is going on.
Anonymous
84cd31a
?
No.305390
42e23c0a0bc9101a4bb992d0f105f115.jpg
I have two characters in my story that will meet for the first time. These two will be an important duo, for at least the first part of the story. What is your perspective? Should I have one scene for each to try ot establish who they are to build reader expectations, or should I have their introductory scenes in the story be the same as their first meeting, shortening the story but also putting the reader down from their bird's eye view perspective and into the shoes of the characters (unsure of who the other character is (or in the reader's case who both are) and their true intentions).

You don't have to share your perspective. It is highly likely that I have already decided upon something by the time you post your opinion but I appriciate your perspective nontheless.
Anonymous
66c789a
?
No.305480
307723
>>305247
Another idea about incorporating redpills is to simply portray ideologies that do not have any clear real-life counterpart. You can extol their virtues and criticize their failures without getting too dragged down into controversy. A good example is Warhammer 40k which has an unusually based fandom: no one denies that the Imperium is a pretty terrible place to live for the average person and its only redeeming quality is protecting humanity from being overrun. Yet it's undeniable that the Übermensch in the form of space marines, with their religious devotion and war against degeneracy, have had an overwhelmingly positive effect on culture. Leftists realize this and are scared by it, but any attempt at calling them or fans "Nazis" backfire precisely because it is a fantasy grim-dark world. You could go the other way by making a fake ideology that no one adheres to unironically yet is an extension of leftist values, then poking fun at it or portraying it as monstrous. Technically not a strawman because if you do this right the connection to real-life parties won't be obvious.

For an idea of wacky ideologies to use, combine some extreme values from this test: https://datguard.github.io/12wackies/
Practice
dc08ed1
?
No.306180
>Be Anon.
>Walk next to Purple Smart.
>In the everfree woodsen.
>Be searching for lost filly.
>Hoping she is okay.
>Well, Purple does at least.
>"She might have gone down here to aviod the bigger creatures of the forrest," Twilight said as you and her began to descend a narrow path.
>The path's slope was steep and it became narrow because of how the ground you previously had stood on rose up on either sides as mountain walls.
>The road slithered downwards without flattening out.
>The line above them that showed the blue dark dusk sky got thinner and thinner.
>That's when Twilight's horn lit up.
>She conjured up a pair of spheres of light that floated beside you.
>When the path lits up, you see murky and wet mountain walls.
>On the path you see... Something white right under your right shoe!
>You immediately take a step back and go down into a sort of defensive position.
>There, on the slope, in a pile, was a black spider with erect hairs.
>Two of it's legs are bent upwards along the one of the mountain walls.
>It's abdomen and body are of the same shape as a bowl or a deflated baloon.
>And, instead of eight black eyes, it has empty sockets.
>It's the molt of a giant tarantula.
>It's as long in it's body as you're tall.
>You look wide-eyed at it as you have frozen on the spot.
>Twilight glances sadly as you before turning her head forward.
>"I'm sorry, Anon. I should have told you but I really need your help down here but I know a lot of ponies have a problem with spiders. I guess, if you wanna turn back, I can't blame you," she says.
>She waits for your response for a bit.
I'll be back, probably.
Practice
dc08ed1
?
No.306189
306206
Actually, I got bored. Let's start something new.

>Be Fair Star.
"Are your ziggas ready for action?"you ask and glanced behind you.
>A zebra with dreadlocks narrows her eyes at you.
>Or, you think that's what she does.
>Since her brown eyes are a bit obscured, it is hard to tell.
>Her mane cut is such that she has no dreadlocks along the backside of her neck and the either black or white dreadlock-bangs of her mane are combed forward into a fringe that covers her forehead like a curtain.
>"Blood Oasis, why don't you start judging each zebra on an individual basis?"
>You thrust your head upwards and let your eyebrows wiggle up and down.
>You let out a small chuckle.
"Ha! Even you refer to me as, 'Blood Oasis' and I'm suppose to pretend that I trust ziggas now?"you say and put your head to side in a mocking manner. You make a sweping gesture out off the edge of the roof to the ponies and zebras on the street below."I'm I suppose to believe that no of these ziggas wish to see me dead? I'm just waiting for an assassination attempt at this point."
>You look back at the zebra mare.
>A gust of wind causes the zebra's frigne to flutter to the side and reveal, clearly a pair of glaring eyes directed at you.
>Your grin grow at the sight.
>"They are not the only ones. Everytime I see you I hear war drums."
Practice
dc08ed1
?
No.306206
>>306189
>Still be Fair Star.
>Burnt into the skin of the zebra around her right eye, was the shape of a horseshoe.
>You tap lightly with your right back hoof with the front of the golden horseshoe on it into the stone floor of the roof.
>The zebra's eyes goes wide as she hears your horseshoe clink and your grin grow more defined.
"So what now, Káhh? What will you do?" you asks in a sugar-sweet voice.
>She glares at you for a while more then she sighs and shakes her head.
>"Right now, we got another enemy to slay," she says while looking off into the distance but then she gives you a firm look. "But you will pay, one day."
"Mmm." Red magical energies start to dance around your horn.
>The scarf made from sewn together zebra is covered in a red cloud like matter of magic.
>The red cloud undoes the tied scarf and rise it up into air between the two equines.
>The zebra looks suprized.
"Take this as a token of or new friendship," you say and levitate the scarf over to the zebra that takes it in her hoof.
>She stare at one particular zebra cutie mark with a pained look.
>With her other hoof, she caresses the mark on the scarf.
>Even you can feel the pain and you look away but not without clenching your teeth while despratelöy trying to be angry.
>After a moment, you speak up, "It was..." You can feel that you have drawn her eyes. "It was never personal. I only carry around her mark because she was the Elphant-tier Witchdoctor of the northern tribe. Nothing more."
Anonymous
dc08ed1
?
No.306531
306534
Can I ask for a writing prompt, please? Want to write something but have zero ideas right now.
Anonymous
0ba5c9e
?
No.306534
306535
>>306531
A bored unicorn filly discovers a small German submarene from WW2, still fully armed.
Anonymous
dc08ed1
?
No.306535
>>306534
On it.
Anonymous
dc08ed1
?
No.306544
306719 306785
>Be Cosmic Well.
>Your sitting in a rowboat with two other fillies.
>Both of them earth-ponies.
>One holds a fishing rod out over the edge of your boat and the rod's thread travels down into the watery depths below.
>The other filly, a brown one with a black, disheveled mane, is currently biting on the hook to her fishing rod.
>She is trying to pierce one of the wriggling maggots in the small plastic box that lies on a board in the boat.
>You are currently reading a book, that you hold in your dark blue magic while sitting on the board in the boat closest to the boat's bow.
>You lower the book a bit and glance over it at the filly who is clearly forcing herself to get closer to those wriggling worms than she wants to.
>You higher one eyebrow and lower another, and then you shake your head.
>One of the worms is covered in a dark blue glow and starts to lift from the box.
>The brown filly's eyes go wide as saucers and as you levitate the worm closer to hook it, she jerks back.
>In doing so she rocks the boat making the other filly, who is yellow in her fur with an aqua blue mane, almost drop her rod overboard.
>The yellow filly spins around and gives the brown filly an annoyed look.
>"What are you doing?" she hisses in a quiet voice.
>The brown filly who seem to have finally realized what happened, points a hoof at you.
Will continue just showing I have started.
Anonymous
e924f5f
?
No.306719
>>306544
Have worked on it a bit today but will updated it in one final post.
Anonymous
6d1d0d0
?
No.306733
306734 306736 307213
Does anyponer have any advice on what to do if ambition is greater than talent, or perhaps how to deal with a perfectionistic tendency of sorts? I have all these ideas swimming around all the time, but as soon as they crystallize they shatter as the winding rivers of the Way push me onto different wavelengths. It feels as though if I don't walk a very fine line then it comes out as a jumbled, uneditable mess. Can't tell sometimes if it's because I'm hopelessly INTP and will be stuck in the world of theory forever. The answer seems to be staring me in the face but I can't just put myself out there for the sake of it. How does one garner faith in themself as a writer? How much planning does a couple thousand words' of a short story take? Can one write without limits? Can there be raging waters on the surface, and meditative themes underneath? What's it worth? Just how does one achieve the middle path?
Anonymous
1eadce6
?
No.306734
306736 306737
>>306733
Literally just keep writing. Don't correct your mistakes until you're finished, at which point you rewrite.
It works a bit better if you designate a point in the future where you correct every mistake at once, and just forge ahead until that point even if what you write is garbage.
Anonymous
6d1d0d0
?
No.306736
>>306733
Please pardon my autism.

>>306734
Looks like I'm going to need to focus closer to what's in front of me, then. Problem being that I don't really know where I'm headed most of the time, that tends to be why I write about things in the first place.
Anonymous
6d1d0d0
?
No.306737
306739 306743
>>306734
Would you say it's like coding in that you have to have a clear idea of what you're doing beforehand so it doesn't end up like spaghetti? Really looking for something I can just follow my intuition on.
Anonymous
6d1d0d0
?
No.306739
>>306737
...which is why I probably haven't been writing all too much lately, because it seems to come when I'm not near a keyboard. I would say "damn you, inspiration," but that sounds like a foolish thing to do. So I won't do that.
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.306743
306745
>>306737
Yo dude I've been there and the trick is to keep all chunks of coding as seperate as possible. Everything should function independently before it starts interacting with other shit.
Anonymous
6d1d0d0
?
No.306745
>>306743
It would be good to get a programming general like /dpt/ going on /cyb/ or /ub/.
Anonymous
dc08ed1
?
No.306785
>>306544
>"Cosmic made one of-" the brown filly begins but is interupted by the yellow filly.
>"Shhh! Don't scare the fish." She glares at the brown filly who lowers her gaze.
>But she pulls it back up quickly and looks at you with a disappointed look.
>"Why scare me?" She pouts.
>You sigh.
>You shake your head.
>You close and put down your book.
"I," you say and emphasizes it by holding a hoof in the air. The yellow filly rolls her eyes when she hears your tone. "Only tried to help you hook that worm."
>"Would it kill you to give a, 'heads-up'?" The yellow gives you a deadpanned expression.
>You shut your eyes for a moment and then open them again.
"I didn't think..." you say slowly and just as your about to continue the yellow filly breaks in.
>"Yeah, we know."
>The brown filly start to giggle at the comment which the yellow filly smirks at.
>However, the filly soon stops herself.
>She sents you an apologetic look.
>You just roll your eyes and continue.
"...Wheel Barrel would be scared. Her face was already next to the worms," you say.
>The yellow filly nods while Wheel Barrel draws circles on the board she sits on with her hoof.
>"You should still have said something," Then the yellow filly turns to Wheel. "And why haven't you hooked one yet? It's not hard."
>Wheel's brown eyes glance up at the yellow filly's teal ones.
>And then she looks away.
"Because she doesn't wanna do it the earth-pony way,~" you say in a singsong manner.
>The yellow filly again directs an annoyed look your way.
>"Why don't you magic" --She forces her eyes wide open and start to wave her hooves in front of her in spooky manner.-- "yourself to back to Canterlot then, you bonehead."
>You can't help but chuckle and shake your head.
"Bu- But," you start as you grin and continue to shake your head.
>But the yellow filly is no longer focusing on you.
>Intead she turns towards Wheel.
>With the front tips of her front hooves, she squeeze the hook tight between them.
>"There's nothing wrong with the earth-pony way," she says and then gives you a look. "It's only wimpy unicorns that can't handle it that's the problem."
>Then dives down with her head towards the box of worms, sucks up one halfway into her mouth, as if it was a straw of spagetti, and then rises back up again.
>Wheel brings her hooves up to her mouth.
"Ugh," Wheel utters as her body jerks.
>You lean back and give the yellow filly a oh-sweet-celestia-look.
>The yellow filly gives you both an annoyed looked before shoving the metal hook through the worm with some finesse.
>With the bait finished, she tosses the line overboard on the other side of the boat that her rod is in.
Will get to the submarine soon.
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.307190
307213
Writing question

a big part of a fic I'm writing is that the protag starts out a cunt but spending time with the mane six makes him a better person over time
but this is a side thing, he's not an ex-criminal specifically put with them to be rehabilitated. Just an asshole who initially wants to fuck them but gets to know them during the story and grows as a person.

how do I balance the character's assholery so it feels earned when he grows out of it, yet doesn't turn away readers or make them question why the mane six would ever put up with him?
Anonymous
4af47b2
?
No.307213
307229 307244
be1c7bc48af4f5332d2f0681f22cff29.png
>>307190
I think there are many different ways of how a character can be an asshole. In general, I think that one has to write from what oneself thinks rather than anyone else. As in, if you write an asshole character who will later change, you are the one who should feel that the way this happened was earn, not anyone else. You cannot write to appeal to all readers but you can make it so that, you yourself thinks that it was justified. So if someone complains that mc was redeemed too early then you can just argue for why it justified and if people disagree but you can clearly see they are wrong, then fuck 'em.

There's a good thread that is basically about the same subject, here: >>>/go/4045 → ;^P

>>306733
I can related. I haven't solved my own problems with this so I don't know how much I can help. I think, you should just not give up because that's what I try to do.

>pic justsomeponerpic
Anonymous
8883a10
?
No.307229
307234
1619290844.gif
>>307213
>I can related.
Well, it's nice to know I'm not the only one.

>I haven't solved my own problems with this so I don't know how much I can help.
Good to see your stories around. Assuming the Sven in this thread and others is the same one I'm replying to now.

>I think, you should just not give up because that's what I try to do.
Doubt I could if I tried. But I'd rather not test that theory.
Anonymous
4af47b2
?
No.307234
bff3ad6036e7c9a2eee970955ea5deb3lo.jpg
>>307229
I think there was another Sven who posted two stories both in the Anonfilly thread and at different times. Otherwise, I have been the only Sven during these four years that have posted stories on this site.
>Doubt I could if I tried. But I'd rather not test that theory.
>Smilingautismsupportsofttoyisforyou
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.307244
307248
vujbxd2841v61.jpg
>>307213
Makes sense. My goal is to make my character incredibly deep. But now that his backstory isn't a trashy edgefest any more, does it make sense for him to be closed off from others? Would it make sense for him to need to learn how to smile genuinely and open up?
Anonymous
4af47b2
?
No.307248
307258
>>307244
>But now that his backstory isn't a trashy edgefest any more,
Why and what did you change? Having a grim backstory for a character is not wrong in of itself? You shouldn't feel that you need to change something, unless you think it is too edgy.
>does it make sense for him to be closed off from others?
Maybe not. But at the same time, yes. Characters can be whatever we want them to be.
Backstories are usually not that intresting because they have already happened so there are no stakes because we as the audience know the outcome and other problems. They might be able to be good but generally, they are stories that explain something we already know.
Does it really justify your characters actions in the present just because he had some trauma in the past? Not really. At best, it excuses it but I think having a story with a character who just is a certain way can be just as intresting.

Anyway, you can do whatever you want in the end. What I mean is that these sort of questions are way to general for me. A more extended advice for these questions would be hard to communicated without bringing in speculations of a potential ideas and writing examples. In short, I could end up writing stuff for you.

I'm not saying that's what you're after but I am saying you need to provide an concrete example for me to work with and help you with otherwise I will just be sputtering out ideas for story lines that come to mind from these questions.

Like, what kind of things does he do as an asshole? If knew that and how you intend to make him sympathetic, I could easier provide you with help. To the extent that I'm comfortable with. Nothing personal, kid, okayokay,I'llstopfornowbutjusstcouldn'tresistwhenitjustpresentsitselflikethat but this is afterall something I don't have to do either if I don't want to. I owe nobody anything in terms of my own creativity and neither does anyone else here. And I think it is important to for any Anon here to remember to not be, under any circumstances, be guilted into something they are not comfortable with.

I tried to think of a character in media that fits your bill but right now I couldn't think of one. But using already existing fictional characters, which are similar to the characters you are currently writing as minor molds, can probably be useful for a multitude of reasons, I think.
So, maybe if you use Dante, or whoever is in that that pic in your post, for a mold for your character if they are similar or perhaps someone more fitting. The point is that you consider the three points you struggle with: To which extent are they assholes? And, how are they redeemed? Why does it feel earned?
Anonymous
f4e1903
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No.307258
307262 307264
>>307248
Yeah that's Dante from DMC5, he got old in that game since they wanted it to look HD. everything's mostly greyed-out except the visual effects like fire/lightning.

My OC concept is that he's an Apple Family unicorn who says "I want to be more than a farmer" and travels the world to study magic and fight baddies along the way. He suffered a lot during his travels and saw a lot of evil, making him closed-off and unable to let himself be vulnerable and open up to others. He uses jokes to hide the pain and keep others at arms length. Then he finds out he's dying, because he's gotten too magically powerful for his body to handle.
He goes to Ponyville because he wants to get Twilight to help him research a cure. But also doesn't want to just spring it on her out of the blue, he wants to make her care about him first so she'll try harder to cure him. But he grows as a person from exposure to the mane six. He and Twilight, they date and end up falling in love. In the end he gets to live, but then sacrifices himself to save the mane six. But he gets better because he's immortal now, having earned it so he can be with the immortal Twilight.

What I'm struggling with is that I'm not sure how much of an asshole he should be. In ponyville there aren't many reasons to be an asshole unless your life really sucks balls. I guess Twilight could get pissed at him for hiding his terminal case of dying for so long, since it increases the risk that he'd die before she cured him. But there are chapters where shit unrelated to the OC happens, like an episode where time stops or penguins attack or whatever and the heroes have to deal with that. I just don't know how to convincingly write a smug cunt who thinks he knows everything.
Anonymous
5ff6779
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No.307262
307272
>>307258
So character archetype.
One important sentence about the core of who he is.

> I just don't know how to convincingly write a smug cunt who thinks he knows everything.
A 'smart' smug cunt or a stupid smug cunt or a smug cunt who is right?

>In ponyville there aren't many reasons to be an asshole unless your life really sucks balls.
Some pones are dicks just because. Various episodes ect. My point is irrelevant for this.
Have you had a bad day where you want to say something to that one person for whatever the reason because it's been pissing you off. The cycle starts there but being a massive dick can happen and propagates. ponerogenesis.
>making him closed-off and unable to let himself be vulnerable and open up to others. He uses jokes to hide the pain and keep others at arms length.
But why does he do any of that? Yes the answer is pride, but why? The real deep down reason.
>I'm not sure how much of an asshole he should be.
>he wants to make her care about him first so she'll try harder to cure him.
...
>He goes to Ponyville because he wants to get Twilight to help him research a cure
>smug cunt
...
>Twilight could get pissed at him for hiding his terminal case
Twilight should be pissed that he's a manipulative asshole who also made the town worse off and is pissing on all the background poners for his own amusement to numb the pain.

>he finds out he's dying, because he's gotten too magically powerful for his body to handle.
Okay but does he want to live, be a smug cunt, or go out in a blaze of glory.
Anonymous
4af47b2
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No.307264
307272
>>307258
Not that it matters but this is obviously Silver Star. I never thought your intentions were to have the story be a redemption arch to being with. I don't know if that's what you intended from the begining but to me it always felt as something that you felt forced to pretend to protect yourself from certain accusations. I remember that there were Anons who said that because you didn't understand why this character was an asshole, it meant that you yourself was one.
>He goes to Ponyville because he wants to get Twilight to help him research a cure.
This is inspired from those threads, I have a great memory. Not a problem but just wanted to explain how I know that things have change.

This is why you struggle to find flaws in Silver Star or rather how to make him an asshole because he is an idealist version of you. It's fine with self-insert characters, I have written some.

But if this was a redemption arch to begin with, it shouldn't be hard to figure out what the flaw with Silver Star is that creates conflict with him and Twilight, but it was never intended to be that. That is what I believe anyway.

Regardless, of what I believe though, I want you to write after what you desire to write. You don't have to write a redemption story. You can just write an adventure story. Twilight and Silver don't have to fight. They can get along. Give them stuff that makes them bond and you're done.

You are not an asshole because something you wrote has bad implications. It's fiction. It's fine. While it is true that we can't always compartmentalize things, it's also true that writing that you killed someone is a completely different thing from actually killing someone, for example.

My advice, would be to just write the same story as you once did but look into what specifically made people react to it negatively. After having looked at your feedback, you think to yourself, "Do I agree or do I disagree?"

You don't have to please anyone here. Hell, give me the finger but if someone like Glimglam asks you what you were thinking with a scene in the future, you go, "This and this and this."

The point is that you should seek out why you think your own scenes work and if you're satisfied you can much easier defend them.
Anonymous
f4e1903
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No.307272
>>307264
I intentionally gave the character personality flaws but there were moments where I accidentally made him a cunt outside of designated cunt moments. Moments that were supposed to make him appealing or cool or humanize him or establish good bonds with other characters didn't work right and ended up shit. I'm not a cunt (it's why I gave my character intentional personality flaws so he'd be less like me and a more interesting character as a result) but I suck at writing despite practicing it in my free time for a handful of years now. I should be a master at this by now, right? I think I've pretty much mastered animation, at least. And I haven't done that for as long.
>>307262
He tells himself he wants to look cool and that's why he doesn't pour his tragic backstory out to ponies but deep down he avoids opening up to others because he doesn't see much point in talking for hours about how he feels when most ponies would have no idea what to say in response. He also doesn't want to burden them unnecessarily.
For smug cunt scenes... I was thinking of making him a reductive cynic who eventually gets over that after being wrong enough times.
Initially his motivation is "I want to live! There are so many books I haven't read yet and new foods I haven't experienced yet!" but once he grows his motivation is "I don't want to die and leave Twilight alone. But if I have to sacrifice myself to go out in a blaze of glory and look cool doing it, I will".
Anonymous
f4e1903
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No.307423
307426
I've noticed I have a bad habit of saying "What if I do this? Do you see anything wrong with that? Do you not like that? Is that okay? What should I do?" instead of "What do you think the pros and cons of doing this are? What are my options? What could I choose to do?". It's stupid and I'll stop doing it.

I've been thinking about my "original animu with disguised political messaging" idea, since it can be awesome+smart to attract new viewers and contain subtle redpills.
But it seems the more every fantasy world diverges from reality, the less applicable any message or moral in fantasy-land is to reality.
There are shows able to have positive messages despite their fantasy-land settings like Avatar, and stories that squander their potential for positive messages in the name of selling fantasies.
As a teenager I knew people who got into martial arts and fitness specifically because Avatar and Kung Fu Panda made it look awesome. Many Swordtubers I watch were inspired by old movies. A Power Rangers reviewer I watch said "Seeing Mighty Morphin Power Rangers as a kid got me into martial arts".
Wired men in spandex kicking fursuiters and magic talking pandas and tai chi actually being worth a damn are purely fantasy elements. But they make martial arts look cool. And that sticks out compared to all the media where some people are simply Special(TM) and given success while some are not. Some were born in the correct easy world perfect for them and some needed magic to teleport them there.
Sometimes a piece of media contains both at once. In Avatar you're either an Avatar or you're not, but at the same time any bender and even any non-bender can be important and a hero.
Some people finish a Superman comic wishing he was real, and some finish a Superman comic wanting to be heroic like him in any way they can.
What are you more likely to encounter online? A normal anime fan who says "Watching Naruto inspired me to get fit like Rock Lee" or a fat anime fan who says "Man, I wish I was born in Naruto-land with all the best superpowers. I'd be amazing and fuck all the bitches and life would be easy"?
While Persona 5 pretends to be pro-rebellion its main story quest is an authoritarian's wet dream where god randomly gives you and your designated wannabe-light-yagami rival superpowers then turns random people absurdly evil and the populace ignorant+helpless so the fantasy of brainwashing a serial rapist high school gym coach, a murderous art plagarizer, a yakuza boss who's loan-sharking many people including schoolchildren, the CEO of mean burger corp about to sell his daughter like a used car to a cartoonishly bad rich guy so he can be a part of the political world, and a mean politician into confessing all their sins before you spontaneously gain the people's support and face the evil god who orchestrated everything bad ever and shoot him on Christmas. You never had a choice in the matter unless your chance to fail at surviving the circumstances forced upon you and restart at a checkpoint counts, free will was always a lie, almost every realistic attempt to resist/prevent corruption and abuse from those above you fails or makes life worse for you and others, all so the game can pretend shooting God on Christmas is a triumphant moment that perfectly wraps up this clusterfuck of a story.
But fuck all of that for a second.
Fuck the writing choices. Looking at the basics...
The very mechanics of how this fantasy functions (Humans when entering this world's parallel magical world named The Metaverse with the aid of someone with a special phone app, an app that places itself on the protagonist's phone out of the blue and reappears whenever he deletes it, can use toy swords/toy guns to fight monsters made of bad thoughts in the public consciousness. And also enter people's brains aka Palaces aka deviantart Magical Realms and brainwash them by beating their evil form in a fight and then taking the most important item from their brain-world) are too abstract from reality.
Nobody could accomplish this in reality.
Hell, even how P5 treats reality sucks. Getting fitter in reality by spending a day at the gym, getting smarter by spending a night reading, getting closer to your friends by spending time with them, all of these things are exclusively done for the benefits they'll magically provide when you go to magic-land and your training means you have more HP or that time spent hanging out with your friends and solving their personal problems with magic makes them Critical Hit more often. Except when the self-improvement benefits real-world stats that arbitrarily block progress in most "spend time with your friends" questlines. Everything comes back to benefit the impossibility of fantasy-land.
Compare this to Pokemon, anyone can own a Pokemon and you don't have to be a chosen one. You train your Pokemon to be better fighters and become a better decision-maker for them. Individual episodes can still have morals appropriate for kid's shows.

I've been thinking about how my story diverges from reality.
It's got made-up continents and a made-up history with elements copied from reality (catgirl germany did nothing wrong despite what the Goblin bankers and the Orcs they import say about the Nyazis), people have Aura from RWBY but men have more because they're stronger mentally+physically even though it's locked away by psychological restrictions imposed on men by intentionally-shit animal-hunting schools+military academies, respawning monsters prey upon humanity in dangerous zones that trap humans in isolated settlements while making "Hunter of monsters who takes their elemental pelts/horns/bones" a valid job, the hero's totalitarian town forces people into its wamen-controlled military, melee weapons hurt giant monsters more than guns and siege weapons, everyone's got animal ears+tail because anime, only 1 in every 10 people are males yet males are still oppressed, and so on.
What are the pros and cons here?
Anonymous
a8e631b
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No.307426
>>307423
>Nigel has gained a level
Anonymous
f4e1903
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No.307701
Can't decjde which social issues to do first in my story.
Maybe the level of politics in the world should escalate over time? I had this idea where at first the hero is a faggot who wanks to anime every night and thinks being a cool above-it-all smart rebel means staying quiet and never voting and letting politicians get away with everything because "hurr durr they're all bad so who cares" but over time his understanding of the world.and desire for liberty grows as he becomes less of a faggot.
Anonymous
f4e1903
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No.307723
307731
test results.png
>>305480
I did the thing, but I don't think my answers are right. Does the test lower your moral score if you say things like "Religion influences my morality" and "Communes are shit" and "Other cultures are inferior"?
Anonymous
42982db
?
No.307731
307733
>>307723
Don't take this test too seriously, there are a lot of better ones if you want something accurate. I suggested 12wackies because it gives "off-compass" answers.
Anonymous
f4e1903
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No.307733
>>307731
I don't take it seriously, I think it was funny. One question asked if I think my country should be anonymous to the world! What kind of wokeandan clown thinks a country can remain anonymous? Sure, maybe if you hid a sufficiently large and sufficiently populated bunker sufficiently well in a sufficiently rarely-visited area you could call the interior of that bunker a "nation". But aside from that, I just don't see how it could be possible. And the words used to describe these ideologies... I've never heard of "Urbanism" or "Destructionism" or "Ochlocracy" (turns out it means mob rule) before.
I don't see how any of this strangeness could make for an interesting fictional faction of baddies.
I've been thinking of an evil fictional terrorist group sort of like Team Aqua/Magma from Pokemon but for energy, eco-nuts who (on the surface) insist the world should be harmed less but are really violent thugs smashing shit for fun and self-interested thieves trying to sabotage the nation's industrial capability and waste govt money on useless shit because they're funded by an evil foreign nation that exists to be the baddies. That should help confused viewers figure out they're evil, right? Especially if there's a scene where the hero says "There must be a better way to settle your grievances with the big businesses and find a balance between the needs of the people and the needs of their world!" to the evil leader of the evil organization who says "Mwahaha, you thought this was actually about energy? Who do you think's paying me to blow up those mines and solar farms? Eviltopia, of course!"
Anonymous
a8e631b
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No.308103
>>>/vx/146262 →
Anonymous
f4e1903
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No.309054
309057
What is the optimal way to dump exposition on the audience about background lore and how magic works in a story?

>a bodyguard guards some asshole as he goes into a museum that talks about world history, magic, and what the world knows about magic
>someone a bodyguard tried to protect gets amnesia for a day because of a villain's spell and needs everything explained to him
Anonymous
cb7743f
?
No.309057
>>309054
I would imagine that any real-life method of dumping exposition that flows naturally would work well, just make sure it fits the situation. At least this is my take on it, feel free to take this advice or don't.
Anonymous
ece36ac
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No.309151
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>>299475
Samurai death poems are based.
Anonymous
f4e1903
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No.311309
311339 311341
>be writing a low-magic fantasy novel where "Light Elves" (whites) are oppressed by "orcs" (niggers) and "Dark Elves" (jews)
>magic can only make objects slightly better at their intended purpose
>white man gets isekai'd here, wields a magically enhanced revolver with homing bullets
>the heroic white man leads his fellow whites on a great exodus out of Fantasy Weimerica and into a defensible location where whites can live in peace as society crumbles without them
>realize I don't know how to centrally plan villages/cities or how the hero deprograms the elves to remove jewish brainwashing
>i guess they have to farm their own food and make clothes from grown cotton/silk or some shit but what is done to help white refugees in after the nation's founding? How do I keep the audience on the white man's side if incurably pozzed jewed cucks need executing for treason against the state?
>despite all the idealistic "limit state interference, all hail freedom, I can't be a fascist like the reviewers will inevitably call me because I love free market capitalism and the evil govt hates that" shit the hero's been saying the hero ends up a benevolent dictator of his own land wielding absolute state power

What do?

I had this idea where near the end once the audience has gotten attached to Elftopia and its people and seen the benefits of non-pozzed society...
the evil orcish nations wage open warfare on Elftopia hoping to slaughter many and take the rest as slaves, but elves fight the villains off and win, reconquering the entire nation and purging it of orcs/dark elves. 2 million orc soldiers are killed during the 5 year war on Elftopia, the tide turns when Elftopia counterattacks to eliminate military Orc breeding facilities and steamroll crumbling Orc cities. Society regressed to the african mean without elves around. Also the orcs are so evil and rapey they have buildings full of rapeable captive women to produce soldiers, that should make the audience hate orcs more right?
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.311339
>>311309
Maybe there's nothing wrong with central planning when it's done by someone sufficiently based and redpilled, but my hero's goal is to build a free white civilization that doesn't require a central planner.
Anonymous
a8e631b
?
No.311341
311344
>>311309
I suggest stealing from other works and modeling it to fit your story/narrative. An easy example is A Bug's Life
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.311344
311345
>>311341
Bugs Life had that "Liar reveal" thing which sucks, plus I don't want the salvation of white elves to come from circus bugs, lies, or convenient bird attacks.

I keep reworking this story and removing elements but its goal is to be a fun adult fantasy novel with redpills about stereotypical isekai fantasy elements like multiracial parties (every race is weird and shit, their weaknesses are often used against them to fuck them over, the hero's party is forced to be multiracial and sucks as a result, orc doctors regularly abuse patients and kill babies, only elves and humans are worth a damn) and Adventurer's Guilds (corrupt labour unions in bed with the media and jewish govt using disposable "adventurers" and child soldiers, most of their missions are assassinations on tax evaders, job producers unable to pay exorbitant union fees when hiring workers, and threats to the ruling class). Ending it all with the rejection of idealized multikulti and the return to traditional and typical-for-a-reason ethnostates seems like the ultimate way to end the story on a happy note. And it's not a sufficiently happy note if whites haven't secured a future for white children by the end of the story.
Anonymous
a8e631b
?
No.311345
311350
>>311344
The reference of a Bug's life was to suggest a society/culture/group that had been beaten down over time to accept the predatory domination of another group, and how the protagonists - in lieu of circus bugs and birds - would serve as the emancipating force to this group. Did you think I meant literally?
Steal from the concept dont literally or figuratively plagiarize.
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.311350
311354
>>311345
I know I just wanted to say I don't like Bug's Life.

So, uh... about building that ethnostate in the middle of some buttfuck nowhere temperate area with grassy plains, a river, and a nearby forest. I won't ask anyone to tell me exactly what to do, that would be lazy. Instead I'm wondering what options I have here.
The easiest and laziest option would be to tell and not show, to simply have the narrator tell the audience people started building a city and then timeskip to a few years later when it's beautiful and then the Orcs and Dark Elves declare war on it.
But I want the audience to get emotionally invested in this human town and the future of elves within it. I want to show off how good I am at designing a town even though I've literally never done that before and I have no idea what I'm doing. I want whites to finish the book, put it down, and think building a nation without orcs or dark elves is a good thing.
Anonymous
5ff6779
?
No.311354
>>311350
>I know I just wanted to say I don't like Bug's Life.
Then pull from other multiple sources in inspiration.
You don't have to like something to have something important pulled from it.
>Instead I'm wondering what options I have here.
You write it, or you don't write it.

> I want to show off how good I am at designing a town even though I've literally never done that before and I have no idea what I'm doing.
You aren't showing you off you're mainly showing this world, story, characters, idea, adevnture. They'll want to read more and look for other works of yours if you do that right.
You have two options. Educate yourself. Or be ignorant.
Use the internet, library, call experts, have others' input, put in the effort.
You keep repeating the above step.
Anonymous
8d4805c
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No.312294
312295
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Contributing a story to this thread. Hope you enjoy it because it was a fucking blast to write. Anyways here it is:

What do you think horror is? Is it losing a loved one? Maybe facing a childhood fear? Or is it an anxiety that coils itself in your stomach and festers inside your most vulnerable points?

Do you think that's what horror is?

Do you think you know what it's like to experience the kind of horror to make your hair streak white and age your face and peel away the protective layers of your sanity?

You don't know shit unless you saw a pale head's blood red eyes look at you from out of your girlfriend's vagina and start to creep it's head out from there, smiling while it does it and saying all the while "it's too tight Coltrane" in a weepy child's voice.

You don't know shit unless you woke up in the night and stared into the darkness of your room and found a pale being slitting open it's chest and bending it's ribs into a makeshift set of teeth as it's intestines flicked out of it in a parody of a tongue.

You don't know shit unless you killed the people closest to you to spare them from a fate so much more gruesome than death or what the darkest imagination can think of.

You don't know shit at all and you should be thanking God Almighty you live in such ignorance, in such a state of normalcy that you don't have to wake up thinking that in this moment you're going to have your soul eaten by some pale monstrosity from Hell itself.

Or maybe where they come from is a place more stygian then Hell itself because even in Hell there's rules to follow; Some semblance of order and a hierarchy.

From what I have seen there is no reason or rhyme with them. They have no purpose other then to exist and consume everything, even each other. Even the fucking dark itself. I've seen them with their gaping mouths sucking in the darkness like a whale would with krill or shrimp. It doesn't make the darkness go away though. It only makes it that more soul sucking black that even the startling paleness of their skin only glimmers in it.

They're the locusts of a world that never experienced the grace of God's touch, that never knew anything beyond playing in the flesh of us humans.

I called it beyond sick when I first experienced this corruption of flesh with my girlfriend. Beyond nightmarish. But that was then and this is now, a full five years, eight months, and twenty two days after my first contact with these pale beings. Everyday has passed by so fucking achingly slow you could fit decades in seconds. And then drag those seconds out when the sun goes down and if you could sleep maybe those seconds will speed back up again.

But I don't sleep anymore. I could see them in my dreams even when I close my eyes for a minute. They are there in all their evil glory. Twisting, mutating, ripping their bodies apart and putting on pieces from others that don't fit but they stick it on anyways so that they could have something to eat or play with or just so as a means beyond my understanding.

It's all beyond understanding, all of it, and i've lost my mind in the first week of this horror. I started to hear voices that whispered that they were going to rape my soul into despair and that even though I killed my friends and family that they are in their world, suffering so much. I started to rage at the smallest things and would break my hands on whatever I could hit. I want to say I started to not care about anything anymore but I did, I cared that I stay alive long enough that I don't get my soul sucked into their world and have it spend eternity there among the pale things.

Nikola Tesla once said that you will live to see man made horrors beyond imagination. That's true to a degree but he never lived long enough to experience that there are things beyond this world that put any murderer or rapist or some perverted degenerate to shame. That there are things lurking in the darkness of your room that wait for you to sleep before invading your dreams and peaking into what secrets you keep in your mind while they also peel back your sanity bit by bit. He didn't live long enough to know that but I guess he knows better now where he is, maybe in some better place you could call Heaven.

Heaven. It must exist because for every negative there's a positive force to equalize it. It's in nature. It's in our media. It's in our interactions with the people around us. There is good and evil but so far i've seen only evil. Enough of it to last eternity. Enough to know to treasure everyday on earth as if it would be my last before I venture into their world.

My Jesus, that scares me so much. I know if I go there that my soul would be desecrated beyond belief and I think I may even turn into one of those pale things. It happened to my girlfriend and my best friend. They had their bodies twisted and torn apart and reshaped. And there so was much blood and their organs didn't fit anymore in their new bodies. When I killed the thing that came out of my girlfriend's vagina I picked up her still but slow beating heart on the floor and tried to put it back into her chest. I tried to so damn hard to put it back but it just wouldn't fit into her cavity because there was already a new face starting to appear from it and it was trying to eat her heart. And the thing about it was that it was her new pale face on her new slowly turning pale body. I loved her so fucking much I was shocked into a near unconsciousness because I didn't know what to do to save her. How can I save her with her body like that? But I knew how. Deep down but rising and burning in my veins like a damn good whiskey, I knew what to do. I had to tear her apart again and do it right this time so she couldn't exist like that anymore. I had to cut her arms from off her bare breasts. I had to finish cutting her head off. I had to stab that new face of hers again and again and again until it stopped those sickening excited moaning sounds.
Anonymous
8d4805c
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No.312295
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>>312294
Continued:

And so I did that all night long and into the next day.

And when it was finally over I started to cry tears of blood.

And then I lost my mind. But it did not spare me from anything.

It instead made me aware of everything, the blood roaring in my ears, my racing heartbeat, the rats crawling in the apartment walls waiting to feast on my girlfriend. It made me aware of them watching me and teasing me with the prospect of their unholy union with me.

Even through all of this, I never once considered the thought of suicide and I never will. I'm too angry to pussy out and let them have my body to play with. Who knows I might even expedite my union with them if I did that.

The rage is always there since I killed the rest of my family and friends and spared them this pale horror. Always has been and I cannot count how many times I have killed these pale beings. But they always come back in tens when I manage to dismember five of them. And they grin with their sickening pointed and misshapen teeth and the voices whisper, " he's getting tired, we're going to win" and then i'm beset with a wave of despair.

I'll never get use to this but i'm at a point where i've gotten bolder with my actions and the direction of my life. Sometimes I try to go out into the world and visit that wonderful normalcy beyond my reach. Sometimes I bring women home and fuck them and for a moment forget where I am and who I am and what's sitting there in the dark. But that's only for a moment. A nice wonderful moment.

Home. Such a strange word to say after all this. It doesn't even bring a sense of anything anymore. All I feel is a tiredness that sleep won't fix.

My Jesus am I so fucking tired. But I can't sleep. Not anymore. That state of hyper awareness never left me and I refuse to dream about them and I refuse to to close my eyes and wake up in their world.

I refuse to die. I refuse to have my flesh perverted beyond belief. I refuse to give up now after so long fighting this.

I don't know if this will ever end. I don't think it will. They know me, my past, my memories, my life and my loved ones all too well. They have an interest in me. And they will never leave me alone. They'll always watch me day in and day out and plot on what to do with me at that current time.

But i'll never concede. I'll never let go of the saw and ax in my rough and broken hands. I'll never let go of the rage.

One other thing before I go. I haven't told you her name or my best friend's name. That's funny, I can't even remember them now. It seems so long ago. I barely even remember my name. But that's to be expected after dealing with this.

I don't know how this started and I don't know how it will end but I know I won't be the last. They're patient and they pick and stay with their targets for a long time, before and after revealing their selves. It has no rhyme or reason. There is no semblance of order. It's just a random pick of choice. A fate with no control whatsoever.

Nothing is fair and the horror is constant.

But somewhere in the darkness is an undying and courageous light of life that cannot be put out by even their strongest.

Somewhere in the darkness is an end and an beginning in the gates of elysian.

End.
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.312387
Rate my poem bros

You bring colour to my life,
When the world’s got nothing but greys.
You’re my rock in the ocean,
I want to pound you like the waves.

They can keep their fancy costumes,
They can keep their glowing neon.
When I look into your eyes,
I know I'm right where I belong.

When the storm is blowing strong,
I'll hold on to you.
When my heart is dead and hope is gone,
I’ll keep on going for you.

They may say our dreams aren’t real.
They may say dreams are a bunch of lies.
But there’s one thing I know,
When I look you in the eyes.

They may say our dreams don’t matter
But I know that’s not true
Because I’ve found my dream
And I know that it’s you.

When the storm is blowing strong,
I'll hold on to you.
When my heart is dead and hope is gone,
I’ll keep on going for you.
Anonymous
5ff6779
?
No.312612
Pone_cute.jpeg
>You were just a filly when you got your cutie mark.
>Then you knew.
>Everypony you met all look rather happy after they got their cutie mark.
>And Moon Dancer started talking with other ponies and yourself and being more out going.
>She was just... more that's what happens with a cutie mark.
>You know why now.
>Little miss PurpleSmort
>Hasbro, Greentexts, the images, My Little Pony, the alternate world called Earth with all its peoples.
>Equestria, what this has done for Equestria, what could have been.
>Everything.
>You know it all.
>The large familiar shockwave finally disappearing, a rainboom.
"Wow."
>Celestia and Luna your fellow princesses walks to firmly hold you in their embrace.
>"Since it's just us here, I'm glad it's finally time."
>To ensure everypony is happy even when before they get their cutie mark.
"So this happened at the very beginning."
>"And a little bit before my beloved little pony."
>Everypony chuckles.
>"I'm so glad another joins us."
>Your wings seem to slip away always in hooves reach just like everypony else, except these ones are yours.
>Your horn could also go there, or maybe pulling out the fully realized Earth pony body.
"Well the Hemmo's constant for section Swirly Whirly Apple Curly isn't going to solve itself. We have multiverses to save."
>"Ah but it has you see, you embody that constant."
"Mhmm there's the second part to Hemmo's constant in the by play with every interaction. Yes it is for your benefit."
>"Aw that's our little filly already poking fun with the fourth wall for all of them."
>A giggle emanates from me.
>It won't be too long, it'll be quite soon actually.
>Fine, I'll cut my explanations short.
"We're going to help in a way the matters most."
>That's a Pinkie Pie promise.
"Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye."
"Hold out for just a while longer friends. Had to have the right focus to properly act."
>Because (You) matter.
>There's much more we want to say, but I'll see ya soon and that will be much more of everything for everybody.
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.312804
312819
>be writing new fantasy story that starts out a normie-friendly isekai but gradually gets more redpilled
>life FUCKING SUCKS in medieval leftist world, especially for "adventurers" like the hero
>literally every mission reinforces how evil all leftists are
>eventually the hero makes an ethnostate and white elves flock to it because fuck this gay earth and its magical bullshit
>society regresses to the african mean without whites
>humans make a better world without magic
>nigger orcs/jews grind their own numbers to zero trying to wage war on human ethnostate because they need white slaves
>until the story reaches the climax, need to convince the audience all niggers/jews must die and leaving the jewish system behind to build an all-white ethnostate is the future
>maybe include a moral about the necessity of stopping supporters of leftism from getting their way by any means necessary because anyone willing to vote for the incarceration of innocent whites isn't innocent and should be recognized as such
>all liberals are degenerate pedophile pieces of shit who must be stopped
>what the fuck am i doing, ten chapters ago the hero fucked a centaur babe at Centaur BDSM Johnny Rockets
>i described fucking a prostitute who's a horse from the waist down in great detail
>this is the book that's supposed to inspire whites to save themselves?
>who the fuck would actually read this?

Every time my hero witnesses something degenerate and unjust, it feels wrong to write the hero thinking "It sure sucks that I'd be arrested and killed if I tried to correct this injustice now by killing niggers, but I need to fight smart and prepare for a future without niggers" instead of leaping into action and instantly correcting everything through force. Fantasy's so full of violent genius mary sue heroes fixing everything through force, it might put readers off that my hero wants to attain money and then build a defensible ethnostate that outlasts enemies who can't survive without white slaves. But what alternative is there, putting the hero in superhero spandex so he can kill all liberals in a town before moving on to the next?
I need the audience to agree tolerating leftist evil only enables and aids and abets it. I want the audience rooting for the death of the Scalaruvaen Federation or whatever I decide to call it and all of its members by the end of this story. I don't want people to come away from this book thinking "I wish this story's hero really existed". I want them to walk away wanting to BE the hero. But at the same time if I'm too blatant with the anti-degenerate tone jews will try to get the book banned and leftists will slander it on youtube.

what do? It feels like I'm trying to accomplish too much at once with this story. Like I'm caught between "Write my fantasy about a cool hero who fucks centaurs and solves all problems in another world" and "Write a deep story about real societal problems facing this earth and their only solution: whites standing up for themselves, sticking together, and casting off the shackles of degeneracy".
Anonymous
5a82bcc
?
No.312819
312860
>>312804
How do you describe a medieval leftist society? Is it not feudalist?
Anonymous
3353698
?
No.312840
>Be Crescent Moon.
>The sun is sinking past the horizon.
>Plains of dried, barren land surrounds you in every direction.
>Far off in the distance you see the silhouette of a small town.
>You move one midnight blue hoof forward after another.
>A transparent flag of teal energy billows after your horn with twinkles appearing in it.
>As you enter the town, you meet a stallion with a revolver hanging around his waist and black hat with a long, floppy brim.
>You see his eyes widen for a moment as he looks at the gun strapped to your back.
>Then he nods at you.
>As you nod back, your unkempt, black fringe bounce up and down over your forehead.
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.312860
>>312819
>technology's mainly in medieval stasis and illegal when it's not used by the state or its unions
>the leftist aristocratic dynasties rule all, including the woke military and "civilian anti-civilian military" aka antifa by another name
>the king's a figurehead and communist cuck for all responsibilities except eliminating threats to leftist power
>town guards and government FBI/CIA/etc are all evil
>affording taxation is damn near impossible, everyone's a wage slave or forced into criminality
>every profession's dominated by a "guild" aka an extremely corrupt union
>information is restricted so tightly that if you're poor you can't learn to bake or sew and you can't get a job without a qualification from some overpriced college and guild membership, your options are farming for a farmer's union or becoming an "adventurer" for an adventurer's guild
>the hero goes to liberal school from ages 1-20 and it sucks balls, only his memories of life on earth keep him indoctrination-proof
>a friend of the hero goes to Mage College and it sucks balls
>these adventurer's guilds are also corrupt labour unions except assassination is on the menu and 90% of your quest rewards go to the union even though it does fuck all besides supply a board for the job offers to go on

I dunno man seems pretty leftist to me
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.313742
313743
When it comes to writing do you prefer based tomboys or based tradwifes?
Anonymous
5ff6779
?
No.313743
313750
6007834.jpg
>>313742
I prefer excellent characters. I'll take what I can get though.
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.313750
>>313743
?

I also prefer excellent characters. I just have a kink for idealized tomboys and I think the plot of my story and its themes would work better if the main hero is a tomboy chad raised by gigachad dad (maybe no mom?) in based world before being Isekai'd to a liberal medieval shithole satire of liberalism and fantasy worlds so she can solve this new world's problems with based logic, getting the white elves into an ethnostate outside the jewed world and killing all enemies who wage war on it until there are so few enemies left the whole world can be reclaimed for white elves.

As a bonus if the heroine is a based tomboy she will stand out in a world full of shit women. And she can fuck herself to reproduce if she's futa.