Thread number three. Last one is apparently at bump limit.
Previous thread: >>336928 →
I'm lazy so I'm just going to copypaste the OP text from the last one since it still applies. Important bits have been bolded for emphasis.
Basically all that is said in that OP applies to this one but I'll go through the 'rules' of this thread here as well.
So, the main point of this thread is to facilitate and enable Anons' writefagging; in a similar way pride facilitates and enables aids.;^P The Anons in this thread can be separated into two camps: Anons who wants help with their writing project(s) and Anons that feel inclined to help those aforementioned shrek-colored skinheads.
Crafting and beta-reading is what we do here, any critique of literature not made by a guy submitted for this thread should be incidental; it should be when you —as a beta-reader of fics posted ITT— make a comparison between the fic your reviewing and some other story for the sake of demonstrating your point, whatever it is.
This is NOT: A review thread for unsolicited rants about random media which does not fall into the mold for how to use a reference in this thread described in the above paragraph. Meaning if you're not using —like, let's pick something arbitrary— Naruto for a comparison in your critique of someone's writing itt, then don't bring it up. I understand that tangents can happen and if it's like a few exchanges with a pair of posters; then it's fine. However, don't make this a pattern and also move whatever off-thread-topic discussion to a more fitting board/thread. There's after all no problem with finding someone to converse with and share perspectives on a subject you care about but just take it to an appropriate thread. Sidenote: Nigel, these rules applies to you in a stricter fashion because I would not have to detail them with this much precision if it weren't for you.
Read this again, because it's important:
This is NOT: A review thread for unsolicited rants about random media which does not fall into the mold for how to use a reference in this thread described in the above paragraph. Meaning if you're not using —like, let's pick something arbitrary— Naruto for a comparison in your critique of someone's writing itt, then don't bring it up. I understand that tangents can happen and if it's like a few exchanges with a pair of posters; then it's fine. However, don't make this a pattern and also move whatever off-thread-topic discussion to a more fitting board/thread. There's after all no problem with finding someone to converse with and share perspectives on a subject you care about but just take it to an appropriate thread. Sidenote: Nigel, these rules applies to you in a stricter fashion because I would not have to detail them with this much precision if it weren't for you.
I hope that I haven't scared anybody off. This is still suppose to be a chill af thread. Funposting is very much allowed and encouraged. It really is more that some type of posting —like, things that are completely irrelevant to the thread— does not belong here. I know, rocket-science and a rule that is seldom seen and highly unique for this thread. Perhaps you could call it a... Novelty. (You) intelligent lurker, obviously get the subtext of this OP so you probably won't need to worry about any of this. I'd say if you're unsure if what you're about to post belongs in the thread, then post it anyway. The worst that can happen is that someone tells you to move it to another thread and you get a better insight of what post belongs in thread. If you consist on fish and chips, however, I'd suggest you think twice on what you're posting and perhaps even ask beforehand if your rant about lefties and Undertale belongs here.
If there are any questions on the OP, ask away?
/mlpol/ - My Little Politics
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345 replies and 208 files omitted.
>>360978
It's more of a thread for fiction, but I've seen song parodies posted elsewhere on the board. A song parody thread could be a lot of fun.
It's more of a thread for fiction, but I've seen song parodies posted elsewhere on the board. A song parody thread could be a lot of fun.
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>>361017
I hope you still want to continue our collaboration.
Will work on it the comming days hopefully I can get it out soon. c:
I hope you still want to continue our collaboration.
Will work on it the comming days hopefully I can get it out soon. c:
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>>361427
Niiice!
Btw, GG would u review this >>361402 → piece I wrote in the Anonfilly thread. I as kinda proud of it but nobody seemed to care so I just want some attention, plz :'C
Niiice!
Btw, GG would u review this >>361402 → piece I wrote in the Anonfilly thread. I as kinda proud of it but nobody seemed to care so I just want some attention, plz :'C
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Alright, so I've been teasing a rewrite/continuation of this old greentext for literal years now, and it's probably time to either shit or get off the pot. So, I went ahead and wrote the first chapter the other night.
https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/S1pk1skX3
I have completely forgotten most of the story, so I'm just rewriting it one bit at a time using the archived green as an outline. I'll probably just be doing revisions of it as I go, but I figured I'd post the rough here as I work on it, since people on this site have been asking about this story for awhile now. I'm not sure if I still have the notes I wrote up ages ago for the second arc I was planning, but either way I think I can remember basically where I wanted to go with it once I run out of green. This will basically be a rewrite of the original plus a continuation/conclusion of the story.
Comments/suggestions/input appreciated. Thanks for reading.
https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/S1pk1skX3
I have completely forgotten most of the story, so I'm just rewriting it one bit at a time using the archived green as an outline. I'll probably just be doing revisions of it as I go, but I figured I'd post the rough here as I work on it, since people on this site have been asking about this story for awhile now. I'm not sure if I still have the notes I wrote up ages ago for the second arc I was planning, but either way I think I can remember basically where I wanted to go with it once I run out of green. This will basically be a rewrite of the original plus a continuation/conclusion of the story.
Comments/suggestions/input appreciated. Thanks for reading.
>>361402 →
>>361582
Just going to put my notes here so I don't hog space in the Anonfilly thread.
Overall not bad. Other than the usual ESL stuff the dialogue is good, it flows naturally and feels like genuine conversation. The behaviors and speaking patterns are appropriate for the characters being used (Fluttershy sounds and acts like Fluttershy, RD sounds and acts like RD).
There are a few things I noticed:
>The submarine to the seapony wonderbolts leaves port in a hour and I'm not gonna suba-dive into Kraken's Vill,
I think I get the general idea here, but "seapony wonderbolts" is somewhat ambiguous. Are these two taking a submarine to visit the Seapony Wonderbolts themselves, or are they going to watch a performance that these Wonderbolts are putting on? I suspect the latter, but you may want to clarify. Also, Seapony Wonderbolts should be capitalized. Also, "scuba" is misspelled.
>You don't think I can't manage being alone for a few days?
This is an awkward double-negative. It should either read "You don't think I can manage?" or "You think I can't manage?"
>face-hoofed
I've never been a fan of this term, but I've pretty much given up on trying to discourage people from using it.
>Cya' you mom!
This is very, very awkward. "Cya" is a contraction of "See ya," so what Anon is basically saying here is "See ya, you mom!" Even though it clearly isn't what you meant, in this context it feels like Anon is using the word "mom" as an insult. You should probably just go with "See you, Mom!" or "C'ya, Mom!" Also, you put the apostrophe in the wrong place. In contractions like this, the apostrophe usually goes in the place where the two abbreviated words are joined. In this case, "C" is an abbreviation of "see" and "ya" is an abbreviation of "You", so the apostrophe would go in between those two words.
>cacoons
Cocoons.
>As Flutttershy behind scraps across the floor
As Fluttershy's behind scrapes.
There are a few other minor grammar and spelling issues here but I won't harp on them too hard. Again, overall, this is pretty good.
>Remember that if you need anything, Discord is next door in another dimension!
This is a good line, I like this.
The main issue overall is that it's a little unclear what the purpose of the scene is. I'm not sure if this is something you are planning on continuing or if you wrote it as just a standalone, but the ending makes it feel as if the story ought to continue. If this is just intended as a short vignette, the open ending makes it feel unresolved, and it's not really clear what the scene is meant to convey. It's a cute little slice of life moment, but it doesn't really feel like much is going on; it's just Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash leaving Anon home alone with the bunny for the weekend.
There's not really enough "meat" in here for this to stand on its own. However, if it's meant as the opening to a longer scene you intend to continue (or if it wasn't meant to be a complete scene, and you were just writing it as dialogue or character interaction practice), it's handled pretty well. Either way, you could definitely spin this into something.
>>361582
Just going to put my notes here so I don't hog space in the Anonfilly thread.
Overall not bad. Other than the usual ESL stuff the dialogue is good, it flows naturally and feels like genuine conversation. The behaviors and speaking patterns are appropriate for the characters being used (Fluttershy sounds and acts like Fluttershy, RD sounds and acts like RD).
There are a few things I noticed:
>The submarine to the seapony wonderbolts leaves port in a hour and I'm not gonna suba-dive into Kraken's Vill,
I think I get the general idea here, but "seapony wonderbolts" is somewhat ambiguous. Are these two taking a submarine to visit the Seapony Wonderbolts themselves, or are they going to watch a performance that these Wonderbolts are putting on? I suspect the latter, but you may want to clarify. Also, Seapony Wonderbolts should be capitalized. Also, "scuba" is misspelled.
>You don't think I can't manage being alone for a few days?
This is an awkward double-negative. It should either read "You don't think I can manage?" or "You think I can't manage?"
>face-hoofed
I've never been a fan of this term, but I've pretty much given up on trying to discourage people from using it.
>Cya' you mom!
This is very, very awkward. "Cya" is a contraction of "See ya," so what Anon is basically saying here is "See ya, you mom!" Even though it clearly isn't what you meant, in this context it feels like Anon is using the word "mom" as an insult. You should probably just go with "See you, Mom!" or "C'ya, Mom!" Also, you put the apostrophe in the wrong place. In contractions like this, the apostrophe usually goes in the place where the two abbreviated words are joined. In this case, "C" is an abbreviation of "see" and "ya" is an abbreviation of "You", so the apostrophe would go in between those two words.
>cacoons
Cocoons.
>As Flutttershy behind scraps across the floor
As Fluttershy's behind scrapes.
There are a few other minor grammar and spelling issues here but I won't harp on them too hard. Again, overall, this is pretty good.
>Remember that if you need anything, Discord is next door in another dimension!
This is a good line, I like this.
The main issue overall is that it's a little unclear what the purpose of the scene is. I'm not sure if this is something you are planning on continuing or if you wrote it as just a standalone, but the ending makes it feel as if the story ought to continue. If this is just intended as a short vignette, the open ending makes it feel unresolved, and it's not really clear what the scene is meant to convey. It's a cute little slice of life moment, but it doesn't really feel like much is going on; it's just Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash leaving Anon home alone with the bunny for the weekend.
There's not really enough "meat" in here for this to stand on its own. However, if it's meant as the opening to a longer scene you intend to continue (or if it wasn't meant to be a complete scene, and you were just writing it as dialogue or character interaction practice), it's handled pretty well. Either way, you could definitely spin this into something.
>>361846
Thanks for the review. I really appriciate it.
My chapter is comming along slowly but steadily.
Thanks for the review. I really appriciate it.
My chapter is comming along slowly but steadily.
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>>361934
No problem, always happy to help.
>>361790
Two more chapters added:
https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/S1pk1skX3
The chapter divisions are probably not permanent. So far, I've been adapting each original green post 1:1 as its own chapter, with each chapter balancing to about 1200 words or so. I feel like I remember having some pacing problems when I was writing this originally, so I'm not sure if that format will continue to make sense going forward. Most likely I'll just keep writing numbered "chapter" sections and figure out how to stitch them together once I have more of it adapted.
No problem, always happy to help.
>>361790
Two more chapters added:
https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/S1pk1skX3
The chapter divisions are probably not permanent. So far, I've been adapting each original green post 1:1 as its own chapter, with each chapter balancing to about 1200 words or so. I feel like I remember having some pacing problems when I was writing this originally, so I'm not sure if that format will continue to make sense going forward. Most likely I'll just keep writing numbered "chapter" sections and figure out how to stitch them together once I have more of it adapted.
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The poetry of shitposting by Anon for Anon. Hope that they give you some cheap laughs!! Not MLP related just want to share my work with you all. It's also on AmaZOG if you wanna support me. Applejack is my favorite btw
files.catbox.moe/4s8yl4.pdf
files.catbox.moe/f21v69.pdf
files.catbox.moe/82sced.pdf
files.catbox.moe/irz98h.pdf
files.catbox.moe/4s8yl4.pdf
files.catbox.moe/f21v69.pdf
files.catbox.moe/82sced.pdf
files.catbox.moe/irz98h.pdf
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One day I will return...
GG, the chapter is sadly not finished yet. However, I will post what I have here so far and that wwon't change either so you chave something to look forward to or something.
I really like collabing with you and I feel really bad over my inablitiy to perform. I will spend next week and on trying to finish this. It techinically should a simple matter to finish during that time.
Below is what I have done so far:
GG, the chapter is sadly not finished yet. However, I will post what I have here so far and that wwon't change either so you chave something to look forward to or something.
I really like collabing with you and I feel really bad over my inablitiy to perform. I will spend next week and on trying to finish this. It techinically should a simple matter to finish during that time.
Below is what I have done so far:
>>363284
Filly-X-Flurry Ch. 5
Rose pettles on the floor and swirling lines of smoke from lit candles gave the otherwise dark room its cozy atmosphere. A heavy scent of sweat and other such odors filled the air. Nonny lay spooned and held in an air-tight embrace by a mare with a sea-green coat.
Nonny smiled contently (plenty pleased with herself). Around her mouth red lipstick kisses were planted.
Her ear twitched as she heard the creaking of a door being opened. She opened her eyes and saw the one pony she didn't want to find her in this position: Her mother, Bon Bon.
She flailed with her hooves and tried to distance herself from the pony behind her as if that would extriciate herself from the situation.
”Mom! It's not what it looks like!” Anon shouted while bringing her hooves up to protect herself.
Bon Bon looked as if she was on the verge of tears. She inhaled sharply.
”How can it not be what it looks like, Nonny?!” Bon Bon wailed.
Nonny hung her head.
”I'm sorry.”
”You expect me to forgive you after this?”
Anon's head dipped even lower.
”Not until you do one-hundred push-ups. Attention!” Bon Bon said.
”What?” Anon looked up in surprise.
”You dare to speak back to me, private? You failed abortion!”
Anon immidiately stood up straight and saluted.
”Now march! Hut two three four. Hut two three four...” Bon Bon pointed away with a powerful hoof.
Anon jumped off the bed and started trotting in a circle.
As she did this, she heard the sounds of hoofsteps getting louder and louder. She turned around. Lyra sneaked passed her, out the door.
She caught something in her peripheral, in the dark corner of the room. A large, dark silhoutte was there. What seemed like a midnight blue curtain billowed to the side of it and glittered like twinkling stars.
Pomf!
Suddenly, she found herself on her back, ontop of the bed. Her mother straddled her. She clasped her face with her hooves and stared softly into her eyes. Something Anon thought was strange since it was a quirk Bon Bon did to show motherly affection, not something you expect her to do after you just cucked her.
However, her eyes suddenly turned cold and she whispered in and unusually haughty voice.
”To think you'd leave yourself open like this? No locks. No alarms. No traps. No counter-measures. You really are just a foal, aren't you? I could so easily kill you. Right here. Right now.”
Anon felt as if there was a hungry pit in her stomach ready to shallow her whole.
”Mom, wha... What are you saying?”
It was as if she'd hallucinate the whole episode because her mother's eyes melted and regained their softness as if they never been anything but. Her face shone with the warmth that she rarely shown but that made Anon feel so beloved.
”I told you, Nonny. From the first time you asked me to teach you, that the life of a S.M.I.L.E. agent was a balance act on the edge of a knife. You can't relax now, you're on a mission. Don't. Underestimate. The danger. Stay. Razor. Sharp... And come home.” Her mother pleaded.
”Mom...”
”Now wake up! Wake up, my filly.”
The world around Anon seemed to be collapsing.
-----
Filly-X-Flurry Ch. 5
Rose pettles on the floor and swirling lines of smoke from lit candles gave the otherwise dark room its cozy atmosphere. A heavy scent of sweat and other such odors filled the air. Nonny lay spooned and held in an air-tight embrace by a mare with a sea-green coat.
Nonny smiled contently (plenty pleased with herself). Around her mouth red lipstick kisses were planted.
Her ear twitched as she heard the creaking of a door being opened. She opened her eyes and saw the one pony she didn't want to find her in this position: Her mother, Bon Bon.
She flailed with her hooves and tried to distance herself from the pony behind her as if that would extriciate herself from the situation.
”Mom! It's not what it looks like!” Anon shouted while bringing her hooves up to protect herself.
Bon Bon looked as if she was on the verge of tears. She inhaled sharply.
”How can it not be what it looks like, Nonny?!” Bon Bon wailed.
Nonny hung her head.
”I'm sorry.”
”You expect me to forgive you after this?”
Anon's head dipped even lower.
”Not until you do one-hundred push-ups. Attention!” Bon Bon said.
”What?” Anon looked up in surprise.
”You dare to speak back to me, private? You failed abortion!”
Anon immidiately stood up straight and saluted.
”Now march! Hut two three four. Hut two three four...” Bon Bon pointed away with a powerful hoof.
Anon jumped off the bed and started trotting in a circle.
As she did this, she heard the sounds of hoofsteps getting louder and louder. She turned around. Lyra sneaked passed her, out the door.
She caught something in her peripheral, in the dark corner of the room. A large, dark silhoutte was there. What seemed like a midnight blue curtain billowed to the side of it and glittered like twinkling stars.
Pomf!
Suddenly, she found herself on her back, ontop of the bed. Her mother straddled her. She clasped her face with her hooves and stared softly into her eyes. Something Anon thought was strange since it was a quirk Bon Bon did to show motherly affection, not something you expect her to do after you just cucked her.
However, her eyes suddenly turned cold and she whispered in and unusually haughty voice.
”To think you'd leave yourself open like this? No locks. No alarms. No traps. No counter-measures. You really are just a foal, aren't you? I could so easily kill you. Right here. Right now.”
Anon felt as if there was a hungry pit in her stomach ready to shallow her whole.
”Mom, wha... What are you saying?”
It was as if she'd hallucinate the whole episode because her mother's eyes melted and regained their softness as if they never been anything but. Her face shone with the warmth that she rarely shown but that made Anon feel so beloved.
”I told you, Nonny. From the first time you asked me to teach you, that the life of a S.M.I.L.E. agent was a balance act on the edge of a knife. You can't relax now, you're on a mission. Don't. Underestimate. The danger. Stay. Razor. Sharp... And come home.” Her mother pleaded.
”Mom...”
”Now wake up! Wake up, my filly.”
The world around Anon seemed to be collapsing.
-----
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>>363285
Anon jerked awake and her gaze darted around till it locked with a pair of yellow eyes. For a moment, she thought it was a predator but then she saw that it was just a pegasus.
”Woah, you're a deep sleeper,” said the pegasus. ”Breakfeast is ready and set in dining room. I was ordered to fetch you.”
The corners of her mouth curved upwards like devil horns and she looked down at Anon with half-lidded eyes.
Anon blinked a few times at the pony, then it hit her.
”You're the maid from-” She began but stopped and took in her surroundings. The room was striped from the floor to the wall in the color of bright sunlight falling in from the tall windows to her left. When she saw the colossal grapefruit painting at the otherside of the room, the memories of yesterday all rushed back to her.
”Yes, I'm Cloud Wrangler, one of the Crystal Palace's personnel. I think we saw each other briefly both here and in dining hall yesterday,” Cloud Wrangler said with a bit too wide smile and half-lidded eyes.
Cloud Wrangler wore the same black and white maid outfit from yesterday. Beneath the fabric, her fur was purple and her mane and tail were wine-gummy red. Her long mane was tied into a bum on the back of her head but not so tight that she didn't have any fringe. Two curtains of bangs obscured her face, her right one cover barely anything of her face while she could almost hide her eye behind the left one. Her tail was also done in a bum, which made her look a bit like a rabbit. She had stuck some of her own feathers into the bum on her head.
Anon started to push the blanket off her and sit up on the edge of the bed but quickly got a unsolicited help from the maid. She tossed the blanket off her and the helped Anon up to a sitting position with her wing.
”Uhh... Thanks. But I can manage myself,” Anon said and gave a polite smile towards the maid.
She had expected the maid to pull away but instead she used her feathers to squeeze her. Anon turned to look at the mare to find her staring right at her.
They just sat there staring at eachother. It felt like an eternity. Anon pulled her gaze down, into her own lap.
”Yeah, I can feel that.” Cloud dragged her feathers along Anon's neck, lingered there for a but a moment; then continued down over her shoulder; and then onto her back before pulling away. ”You don't look like much. But you got some tough muscles underneath all this... Absolutely, lovely furrrr. Hmmm... Like a little warthog, you are. Oink oink. Oink oink.”
Anon faced her again. Cloud's facial expression almost seemed sultry to Anon.
Is she hitting on me? Wondered Anon.
Anon blushed.
”But,” said Cloud, still with a coy smile on her lips, ”I kept you too long. Go, the filly princess is waiting. I'll do your bed in the meantime.”
”Sure,” said Anon and jumped off the bed before speed-walking out of there.
Anon jerked awake and her gaze darted around till it locked with a pair of yellow eyes. For a moment, she thought it was a predator but then she saw that it was just a pegasus.
”Woah, you're a deep sleeper,” said the pegasus. ”Breakfeast is ready and set in dining room. I was ordered to fetch you.”
The corners of her mouth curved upwards like devil horns and she looked down at Anon with half-lidded eyes.
Anon blinked a few times at the pony, then it hit her.
”You're the maid from-” She began but stopped and took in her surroundings. The room was striped from the floor to the wall in the color of bright sunlight falling in from the tall windows to her left. When she saw the colossal grapefruit painting at the otherside of the room, the memories of yesterday all rushed back to her.
”Yes, I'm Cloud Wrangler, one of the Crystal Palace's personnel. I think we saw each other briefly both here and in dining hall yesterday,” Cloud Wrangler said with a bit too wide smile and half-lidded eyes.
Cloud Wrangler wore the same black and white maid outfit from yesterday. Beneath the fabric, her fur was purple and her mane and tail were wine-gummy red. Her long mane was tied into a bum on the back of her head but not so tight that she didn't have any fringe. Two curtains of bangs obscured her face, her right one cover barely anything of her face while she could almost hide her eye behind the left one. Her tail was also done in a bum, which made her look a bit like a rabbit. She had stuck some of her own feathers into the bum on her head.
Anon started to push the blanket off her and sit up on the edge of the bed but quickly got a unsolicited help from the maid. She tossed the blanket off her and the helped Anon up to a sitting position with her wing.
”Uhh... Thanks. But I can manage myself,” Anon said and gave a polite smile towards the maid.
She had expected the maid to pull away but instead she used her feathers to squeeze her. Anon turned to look at the mare to find her staring right at her.
They just sat there staring at eachother. It felt like an eternity. Anon pulled her gaze down, into her own lap.
”Yeah, I can feel that.” Cloud dragged her feathers along Anon's neck, lingered there for a but a moment; then continued down over her shoulder; and then onto her back before pulling away. ”You don't look like much. But you got some tough muscles underneath all this... Absolutely, lovely furrrr. Hmmm... Like a little warthog, you are. Oink oink. Oink oink.”
Anon faced her again. Cloud's facial expression almost seemed sultry to Anon.
Is she hitting on me? Wondered Anon.
Anon blushed.
”But,” said Cloud, still with a coy smile on her lips, ”I kept you too long. Go, the filly princess is waiting. I'll do your bed in the meantime.”
”Sure,” said Anon and jumped off the bed before speed-walking out of there.
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>>363286
Breakfeast (was) had been a pretty formal affair. Flurry seemed to have woken up on the wrong side of bed. She spared Anon only a glance before feasting upon her meal. Her parents had given Anon a quick exchange on the courses she'd be attending and that the litteratur for the subjects had been purchased for her. After breakfeast, Anon placed those books into her saddlebag and brought it to school, much to Flurry's dismay.
They were driven through crystal streets, passed prestine crystal buildings, by a crystal carriage.
Flurry glared out her window and Anon felt like she ought to follow her example by looking out hers instead of trying to start a conversation.
Another dream of her, huh? Anon thought to herself. That's the second night in a row.
She felt bad. She wondered why she even felt this way towards Lyra. Was it because the obvious relationship that her mother had with the mare had effect her views on other females, or was it because Lyra liked to affectionally play-wrestle with her. She was ashamed to admit it but what she enjoyed with their little tussles was not the competition but the closeness to her mother's mare. One thing was for sure, she was glad no one else was prived to her dreams.
But it wasn't the weirdest dream she'd had: Once she dreamt of being one of those mythical creatures Lyra was so obsessed with, a male one at that. Yes, she had confirmed this in the dream.
The crystal empire was not what Anon had expected. The train ride had been a long trip, and she still slept throught half of it, through desolate snowland with only a only few high notes: A big lake; a tunnel through a mountain chain; a forrest; and a big town, called Pine N' Tow. They had passed by some hamlets near the tracks before (alongtracks?) that town.
So when she arrived at the train station and felt the jewish weather on her back, her expectations of the Crystal Empire being a cold-ass place, had been vindicated thus far. But as she followed Flurry into the city, the warmer it had gotten. Flowers had no problem growing in the garden of ponies, she'd noticed. The heat peaked at the palace, where it felt like it was summer. She had no idea why.
Flurry still seemed mad. Anon didn't know if there was some reason for this or if it was just... normal.
Anon realized that they had arrived at Crystal Private Acadamy when she saw horde of old foals and young adult ponies streaming in towards a building complex with a tower in the middle of it with big clock on it. It was eight o'clock.
They were driven off the main path and the carriage parked in a secluded area near the complex' courtyard.
Flurry turned over to Anon for the first time during the trip and said, ”Don't talk. Just follow.”
With that, they stepped out of the carriage. Anon followed Flurry through a garden with tree-colonnades, colorful flowers, and small ponds before they arrived at the complex' courtyard with the rest of the crowd of ponies. There they found a pair of fillies their age sitting on a bench chatting.
As they saw Flurry, one stood up and raised a hoof high up into the air to greet her. The other remained seated but gently wave a hoof at her.
Suddenly, the frown Flurry had woren all morning flipped upside down as she saw the pair, despite herself it seemed.
Breakfeast (was) had been a pretty formal affair. Flurry seemed to have woken up on the wrong side of bed. She spared Anon only a glance before feasting upon her meal. Her parents had given Anon a quick exchange on the courses she'd be attending and that the litteratur for the subjects had been purchased for her. After breakfeast, Anon placed those books into her saddlebag and brought it to school, much to Flurry's dismay.
They were driven through crystal streets, passed prestine crystal buildings, by a crystal carriage.
Flurry glared out her window and Anon felt like she ought to follow her example by looking out hers instead of trying to start a conversation.
Another dream of her, huh? Anon thought to herself. That's the second night in a row.
She felt bad. She wondered why she even felt this way towards Lyra. Was it because the obvious relationship that her mother had with the mare had effect her views on other females, or was it because Lyra liked to affectionally play-wrestle with her. She was ashamed to admit it but what she enjoyed with their little tussles was not the competition but the closeness to her mother's mare. One thing was for sure, she was glad no one else was prived to her dreams.
But it wasn't the weirdest dream she'd had: Once she dreamt of being one of those mythical creatures Lyra was so obsessed with, a male one at that. Yes, she had confirmed this in the dream.
The crystal empire was not what Anon had expected. The train ride had been a long trip, and she still slept throught half of it, through desolate snowland with only a only few high notes: A big lake; a tunnel through a mountain chain; a forrest; and a big town, called Pine N' Tow. They had passed by some hamlets near the tracks before (alongtracks?) that town.
So when she arrived at the train station and felt the jewish weather on her back, her expectations of the Crystal Empire being a cold-ass place, had been vindicated thus far. But as she followed Flurry into the city, the warmer it had gotten. Flowers had no problem growing in the garden of ponies, she'd noticed. The heat peaked at the palace, where it felt like it was summer. She had no idea why.
Flurry still seemed mad. Anon didn't know if there was some reason for this or if it was just... normal.
Anon realized that they had arrived at Crystal Private Acadamy when she saw horde of old foals and young adult ponies streaming in towards a building complex with a tower in the middle of it with big clock on it. It was eight o'clock.
They were driven off the main path and the carriage parked in a secluded area near the complex' courtyard.
Flurry turned over to Anon for the first time during the trip and said, ”Don't talk. Just follow.”
With that, they stepped out of the carriage. Anon followed Flurry through a garden with tree-colonnades, colorful flowers, and small ponds before they arrived at the complex' courtyard with the rest of the crowd of ponies. There they found a pair of fillies their age sitting on a bench chatting.
As they saw Flurry, one stood up and raised a hoof high up into the air to greet her. The other remained seated but gently wave a hoof at her.
Suddenly, the frown Flurry had woren all morning flipped upside down as she saw the pair, despite herself it seemed.
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page 4 again lmao, Nigel would be reeeeeeeeing right now if he wasn't off somewhere banging his imaginary gf
>>363284
>>363285
>>363286
>>363287
>>363288
Anyway, sorry I didn't catch this sooner. I've been out of town visiting family and whatnot for the past couple of weeks and just got home a few hours ago. I haven't been paying much attention to the site haven't put in much work on any of my projects, either. Your chapter looks pretty good so far, I will give it a more thorough read tomorrow morning when I'm less tired.
>I really like collabing with you and I feel really bad over my inablitiy to perform.
I'm too classy to even make a joke here.
Seriously though, don't beat yourself up. It will be finished when it's finished; we're not on a deadline here, and it's not as if I don't also procrastinate on this stuff.
>>363284
>>363285
>>363286
>>363287
>>363288
Anyway, sorry I didn't catch this sooner. I've been out of town visiting family and whatnot for the past couple of weeks and just got home a few hours ago. I haven't been paying much attention to the site haven't put in much work on any of my projects, either. Your chapter looks pretty good so far, I will give it a more thorough read tomorrow morning when I'm less tired.
>I really like collabing with you and I feel really bad over my inablitiy to perform.
I'm too classy to even make a joke here.
Seriously though, don't beat yourself up. It will be finished when it's finished; we're not on a deadline here, and it's not as if I don't also procrastinate on this stuff.
Also, as a more general update, I haven't abandoned the Dale thing for anyone who is still reading and interested, and will be resuming work on it forthwith.
File (): E4F906C01CD68A0845EDAF27AF83133F-7965596.png (7.6 MB, 5000x3000, cac7c0d0d65d19d17693bfc88ae93766.png)
>>363821
Phew. I made it in time just a half year later. YES! ^^
But here it is, the fifth chapter in our collab story:
https://hackmd.io/y9B5rT9lRm-Ek5J5Zmcsww
Also, I took the liberty to give the chapters names as you can see: https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/SyZdTa3rj
If you want to change your chapters' names, then feel free.
P.s. Need a new note due to word limit.
Phew. I made it in time just a half year later. YES! ^^
But here it is, the fifth chapter in our collab story:
https://hackmd.io/y9B5rT9lRm-Ek5J5Zmcsww
Also, I took the liberty to give the chapters names as you can see: https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/SyZdTa3rj
If you want to change your chapters' names, then feel free.
P.s. Need a new note due to word limit.
File (): DAF62E6F3B9A50B4CAEE11DBE13CF896-151550.png (148.0 KB, 273x274, Rave Smite .png)
>>364958
I should have told you this when I posted my latest chapter but I was too lazy.
It's not a big deal but just fyi:
1. I never named Flurry's two friends because I thought I give you the honor^^
2. I forgot to describe Rave Smite's appearance beyond that she's white. I can't find a better version of the image right now but she's suppose to look like pic rel, however, you cando whatever you want with you're chapter so if you feel like you got a better idea go for it.
3. I wanted to say that I have tried to keep the characterization of Flurry consistent with ch.2 (ur first ch. and my fave of them all, btw) but I may not have been successful in that regard. So uhh.. what I wanted to say was to write what you think makes sense or intresting and kinda disregard what I write. I wasn't trying to move away from your characterization of her on purpose if you feel that she's out of character now, I just couldn't do any better.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I remember you writing something forever ago, about ch 4, that you weren't sure where to take the story so you added things to the mix instead, and I guess I just wanted to say that it's been great so far what you have written so you don't need to worry about that. Whatever you write will be fine oWo
I should have told you this when I posted my latest chapter but I was too lazy.
It's not a big deal but just fyi:
1. I never named Flurry's two friends because I thought I give you the honor^^
2. I forgot to describe Rave Smite's appearance beyond that she's white. I can't find a better version of the image right now but she's suppose to look like pic rel, however, you cando whatever you want with you're chapter so if you feel like you got a better idea go for it.
3. I wanted to say that I have tried to keep the characterization of Flurry consistent with ch.2 (ur first ch. and my fave of them all, btw) but I may not have been successful in that regard. So uhh.. what I wanted to say was to write what you think makes sense or intresting and kinda disregard what I write. I wasn't trying to move away from your characterization of her on purpose if you feel that she's out of character now, I just couldn't do any better.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I remember you writing something forever ago, about ch 4, that you weren't sure where to take the story so you added things to the mix instead, and I guess I just wanted to say that it's been great so far what you have written so you don't need to worry about that. Whatever you write will be fine oWo
File (): 67C6351AF1E1D4F1EDF0735B5EE72D7D-1015140.png (991.3 KB, 3001x4500, ee0aa37ea64bb79e22116e4f6c167c13.png)
>>365190
Also, huh?
I just realized. Private Crystal Academy sounds an awful lot like Crystal Prep Academy. Was that what you were going for? If so, I totally missed it.
Did I miss an opportunity to involve Lemon Zest into this story? Then again, she's suppose to be in Sunset Shimmer's age so she wouldn't be a school filly at the same time as Flurry.
Maybe she could be an artist that Flurry really likes or something ^^
Also, huh?
I just realized. Private Crystal Academy sounds an awful lot like Crystal Prep Academy. Was that what you were going for? If so, I totally missed it.
Did I miss an opportunity to involve Lemon Zest into this story? Then again, she's suppose to be in Sunset Shimmer's age so she wouldn't be a school filly at the same time as Flurry.
Maybe she could be an artist that Flurry really likes or something ^^
File (): BE76C81F7BFDAD09721B59B20F45FCD3-603514.png (589.4 KB, 813x890, 2163733.png)
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>>365191
>I just realized. Private Crystal Academy sounds an awful lot like Crystal Prep Academy.
Well, it's the kristall empire after all. Have a Zest 4 U.
>I just realized. Private Crystal Academy sounds an awful lot like Crystal Prep Academy.
Well, it's the kristall empire after all. Have a Zest 4 U.
>>365190
>I never named Flurry's two friends because I thought I give you the honor^^
I will see what I can come up with for them. I used to suck at coming up with pony names, but since the Past Sins thing I feel like I've gotten better at coming up with silly names for OCs and throwaways.
>I forgot to describe Rave Smite's appearance beyond that she's white. I can't find a better version of the image right now but she's suppose to look like pic rel, however, you cando whatever you want with you're chapter so if you feel like you got a better idea go for it.
I think your visual works fine, I'll go ahead and use that as the basis for her.
>I guess what I'm trying to say is that I remember you writing something forever ago, about ch 4, that you weren't sure where to take the story so you added things to the mix instead, and I guess I just wanted to say that it's been great so far what you have written so you don't need to worry about that. Whatever you write will be fine oWo
Groovy, I will continue to have fun with it.
>>365191
>I just realized. Private Crystal Academy sounds an awful lot like Crystal Prep Academy. Was that what you were going for? If so, I totally missed it.
Was I the one that established Private Crystal Academy as Flurry and Anon's school? I thought that was something that you put in there pretty early on. It's hard to remember lol, we've been doing this for awhile now. I think I'm actually going to go back and read through the entirety of everything we have so far just to make sure I don't accidentally introduce any contradictions.
>Did I miss an opportunity to involve Lemon Zest into this story? Then again, she's suppose to be in Sunset Shimmer's age so she wouldn't be a school filly at the same time as Flurry.
I see no reason why we couldn't Zest this thing up a little.
>I never named Flurry's two friends because I thought I give you the honor^^
I will see what I can come up with for them. I used to suck at coming up with pony names, but since the Past Sins thing I feel like I've gotten better at coming up with silly names for OCs and throwaways.
>I forgot to describe Rave Smite's appearance beyond that she's white. I can't find a better version of the image right now but she's suppose to look like pic rel, however, you cando whatever you want with you're chapter so if you feel like you got a better idea go for it.
I think your visual works fine, I'll go ahead and use that as the basis for her.
>I guess what I'm trying to say is that I remember you writing something forever ago, about ch 4, that you weren't sure where to take the story so you added things to the mix instead, and I guess I just wanted to say that it's been great so far what you have written so you don't need to worry about that. Whatever you write will be fine oWo
Groovy, I will continue to have fun with it.
>>365191
>I just realized. Private Crystal Academy sounds an awful lot like Crystal Prep Academy. Was that what you were going for? If so, I totally missed it.
Was I the one that established Private Crystal Academy as Flurry and Anon's school? I thought that was something that you put in there pretty early on. It's hard to remember lol, we've been doing this for awhile now. I think I'm actually going to go back and read through the entirety of everything we have so far just to make sure I don't accidentally introduce any contradictions.
>Did I miss an opportunity to involve Lemon Zest into this story? Then again, she's suppose to be in Sunset Shimmer's age so she wouldn't be a school filly at the same time as Flurry.
I see no reason why we couldn't Zest this thing up a little.
Do you think that having a specific in universe resistance to arcane magical arts is too much a gimme?
Like for example I have a setting where treated leather is fairly common place and one of the properties of treated leather is that its hard for purely arcane magic to handle it.
So for example, if you tried to grab a piece in a telekinetic grip it would be like trying to grab a piece of wet soap, A bolt of force would splash harmlessly off of it, its incredibly difficult to transmogrify and so on.
However using more natural forms of magic like summoning a fireball or flinging a stone very hard with magic, or icing over it would work as youd expect it.
Like for example I have a setting where treated leather is fairly common place and one of the properties of treated leather is that its hard for purely arcane magic to handle it.
So for example, if you tried to grab a piece in a telekinetic grip it would be like trying to grab a piece of wet soap, A bolt of force would splash harmlessly off of it, its incredibly difficult to transmogrify and so on.
However using more natural forms of magic like summoning a fireball or flinging a stone very hard with magic, or icing over it would work as youd expect it.
>>365338
I don't see any issue with this rule. A particular physical substance is resistant to a particular kind of magic, but other kinds of magic work fine on it. It's not much different from actual rules that exist in the real world, for instance rubber providing protection against electrical shock, or sulfuric acid being unable to dissolve glass.
The main thing with rules like this is that you want to make sure that any rule you establish is followed consistently and logically. An in-universe rule only becomes a problem if you're abusing it to give your characters unrealistic advantages or are coming up with silly workarounds when the rule becomes inconvenient.
If you give your character a treated leather vest to protect against a particular sort of magical attack, then those sorts of attacks shouldn't work against her. However, it probably stands to reason that a rule like this would be common knowledge, so you'd want your other characters to take this into consideration as well. Let's say your protagonist, we'll just call her Mare A, is wearing treated leather armor and is facing off against a band of villains that includes a spellcaster. Since magic is his profession, the spellcaster is going to be aware that purely arcane attacks won't be effective against this character, so if he has other forms of magic at his disposal he's probably going to use those. If Mare A is facing off against an inexperienced spellcaster, or the properties of treated leather are not commonly known for whatever reason (maybe it's an uncommon material in this part of the world), then this might give Mare A enough of an advantage to win the fight, even if the spellcaster is more powerful than she is. It works like that.
>>365344
No idea. My best guess is that it has to do with whatever writing program you're pasting from. Maybe you think you're copying the text, but you're actually copying a string reference or something. It's impossible to answer without knowing more information. Try pasting it into Notepad first and see what happens, if you get the same result it's probably something to do with your writing software. Otherwise it might be an internal issue with Ponepaste's software, but I don't think that's likely as I've never encountered this issue, and I just tested their site and it worked fine:
https://ponepaste.org/9102
I don't see any issue with this rule. A particular physical substance is resistant to a particular kind of magic, but other kinds of magic work fine on it. It's not much different from actual rules that exist in the real world, for instance rubber providing protection against electrical shock, or sulfuric acid being unable to dissolve glass.
The main thing with rules like this is that you want to make sure that any rule you establish is followed consistently and logically. An in-universe rule only becomes a problem if you're abusing it to give your characters unrealistic advantages or are coming up with silly workarounds when the rule becomes inconvenient.
If you give your character a treated leather vest to protect against a particular sort of magical attack, then those sorts of attacks shouldn't work against her. However, it probably stands to reason that a rule like this would be common knowledge, so you'd want your other characters to take this into consideration as well. Let's say your protagonist, we'll just call her Mare A, is wearing treated leather armor and is facing off against a band of villains that includes a spellcaster. Since magic is his profession, the spellcaster is going to be aware that purely arcane attacks won't be effective against this character, so if he has other forms of magic at his disposal he's probably going to use those. If Mare A is facing off against an inexperienced spellcaster, or the properties of treated leather are not commonly known for whatever reason (maybe it's an uncommon material in this part of the world), then this might give Mare A enough of an advantage to win the fight, even if the spellcaster is more powerful than she is. It works like that.
>>365344
No idea. My best guess is that it has to do with whatever writing program you're pasting from. Maybe you think you're copying the text, but you're actually copying a string reference or something. It's impossible to answer without knowing more information. Try pasting it into Notepad first and see what happens, if you get the same result it's probably something to do with your writing software. Otherwise it might be an internal issue with Ponepaste's software, but I don't think that's likely as I've never encountered this issue, and I just tested their site and it worked fine:
https://ponepaste.org/9102
>>365351
Pasting into notepad worked. I was pasting from Wordpad.
https://ponepaste.org/9103
This is a short original story with a political message.
Pasting into notepad worked. I was pasting from Wordpad.
https://ponepaste.org/9103
This is a short original story with a political message.
>>365358
>This paste has been removed by the moderation team.
I'm now morbidly curious what it was, since Ponepaste is pretty lax on moderation by design, and I don't think I've ever had anything of mine get deleted even "Twilight Sparkle Takes a Shit" is still up there.
>This paste has been removed by the moderation team.
I'm now morbidly curious what it was, since Ponepaste is pretty lax on moderation by design, and I don't think I've ever had anything of mine get deleted even "Twilight Sparkle Takes a Shit" is still up there.
>>365359
You've got to be shitting me. It was Unlisted! This is the only place I posted the link. How could it be censored?
You've got to be shitting me. It was Unlisted! This is the only place I posted the link. How could it be censored?
So what site should I use if I can't trust that site?
File (): BE6B68BA6680A8D352B73934196B585B-149.txt (149.0 bytes, , Twilight Sparkle Takes Another Shit.txt)
>>365365
Well, apparently you can attach a .txt file to your post here, so there's always that option.
Well, apparently you can attach a .txt file to your post here, so there's always that option.
File (): CA64E26F9D24C4BC8327C15B836321FA-387.txt (387.0 bytes, , Twilight Sparkle Takes a Third and Final Shit.txt)
>>365378
huh, this is actually pretty cool, I didn't realize you could do this. Clicking on it just opens the text in a browser tab, too, no need to download, quite convenient for plain text. I might start using this for posting drafts and whatnot from now on.
huh, this is actually pretty cool, I didn't realize you could do this. Clicking on it just opens the text in a browser tab, too, no need to download, quite convenient for plain text. I might start using this for posting drafts and whatnot from now on.
File (): 902EBF3A66707B8449EEC2BF771C14E3-17111.txt (16.7 KB, , Writing.txt)
Here it is.
File (): 23901E94B9DADCDFC83F84001351A7FC-22.txt (22.0 bytes, , Be Bee.txt)
>>365380
Well, at least compared to the other selections you've given us, this is...not entirely terrible. It has some problems, but at the very least it's legible, stays more or less on point, and doesn't weight itself down with excess details or tangents. Moreover, you managed to submit it to us without going off on a twenty page rant about Sonic the Hedgehog, so nice job there as well.
Here are some brief observations:
>Thomas's once regal silver hair that had once cascaded down his shoulders was now cut short and dyed black.
The word "once" is used twice in rapid succession here; this kind of repetition should be avoided. The description of his hair as being formerly regal is also a little unclear. How exactly was his hair regal? I don't know, but it's probably not a detail that's worth delving into. I'd probably just cut that bit out and simplify the sentence:
>Thomas's silver hair, that had once cascaded down his shoulders, was now cut short and dyed black.
Just stating that his hair has been cut and dyed is enough of a clue that he was probably compelled to do this for some reason, and the reader will likely pick up on it. Moreover, you clarify a few paragraphs later that the family has to hide their natural hair color to avoid drawing orcish attention, so it's unnecessary to point it out here.
>His name was Thomas, and his heart was burdened with anger and frustration, yet he had to maintain a facade of compliance to protect his daughter, Elise.
At this point you've already established that the character's name is Thomas, and you've referred to him by this name multiple times. Telling us that "his name was Thomas" is completely redundant here.
>It was hard for him to remember a time when those bright, cerulean eyes were wide with curiosity, focused on her books when he wasn't telling her stories before bed. Now they were tired, cold, dulled. Her golden hair cascaded down her back like a radiant waterfall, shimmering with every movement, as though rebelling against the oppressive bleakness of the world around her.
+5: your writing is noticeably clearer, more focused, and easier to read than in other selections you've given us.
-5: you've got some purple prose issues going on here. It's prevalent throughout most of the text, but I highlighted this section as an example. Referring to "cerulean eyes" or hair cascading "like a radiant waterfall" will usually make readers roll their eyes, cerulean or otherwise. Dial it back a bit.
>The room they found themselves in was a stark contrast to the ethereal beauty of its inhabitants.
Are these two characters ethereally beautiful? It sounds like they would be in their natural state; however, you've also made it clear that they have been forced to cut and dye their hair and dress up in ragged clothing. Just at this moment, "ethereal" probably doesn't describe them very well, and they likely do a better job of blending into their surroundings than this passage would suggest.
Also, you've clarified that the room they are in is their apartment, where the two of them live. Even if this is just temporary housing, it's still their home, so it's inappropriate to say that they "found themselves" here. The statement "<character name> found himself in <location>" is usually reserved for occasions when a character arrives in an unfamiliar place, sometimes by unfamiliar means. For instance, a character who goes binge drinking in Mexico one night might suddenly find himself in an unfamiliar bathtub with a kidney missing. However, if the same character were sitting at home with his daughter, he wouldn't find himself in his apartment, he'd just be in his apartment.
>Against one wall, a cracked mirror reflected their weary forms, distorting their features, as if symbolizing the shattered lives they led under the oppressive regime. A threadbare rug lay in the center of the room, its once vibrant colors faded to a dull, lifeless gray.
I have the same comments about the overall tone of this story that I have about the purple prose: it's not necessarily bad, but you really need to dial it back a few notches. By this point you've sufficiently established that the room is dreary, so you don't need to describe every dreary curtain or dreary mirror or dreary teacup that resides in the dreary room.
>The flickering candle cast dancing shadows across their faces, reflecting the struggle and sacrifice etched into their expressions.
I've heard it said that in the glory days of the old British Naval Empire, literary-minded sailors would be scourged and keelhauled for writing sentences like this.
>Elise was seated at her table, poring over her history textbook filled with this decade's version of the government's revisionist lies.
What is the timeframe of this occupation, exactly? Earlier you mention that Thomas can still remember a pre-occupation era, but here you suggest that the occupation has been going on for decades. A couple of paragraphs later, he tells his daughter, who is thirteen, that he learned similar lies when he was in school. If he has any recollection of the pre-occupation era, it would have to be a very early memory. You have to be careful with details like this.
>"Like the rest of this country, it was built around 400 years ago by Moon Elves fleeing from tyrannical despots. People once called Westfall the most beautiful place in the world. They called it The City of Life and Love. Hard to believe, looking at it now. But then, just 200 years ago, the Orcs came."
Couple of things here. First, is this city called Westfall or Southfort? My best guess is that Southfort is maybe a neighborhood or a district within Westfall, but you refer to the same area by two names and don't clarify. Second, an addendum to my comment above: if the Orcs came 200 years ago, unless Moon Elves are particularly long-lived, it's impossible for Thomas to have any direct memory of a pre-Orc time period.
Well, at least compared to the other selections you've given us, this is...not entirely terrible. It has some problems, but at the very least it's legible, stays more or less on point, and doesn't weight itself down with excess details or tangents. Moreover, you managed to submit it to us without going off on a twenty page rant about Sonic the Hedgehog, so nice job there as well.
Here are some brief observations:
>Thomas's once regal silver hair that had once cascaded down his shoulders was now cut short and dyed black.
The word "once" is used twice in rapid succession here; this kind of repetition should be avoided. The description of his hair as being formerly regal is also a little unclear. How exactly was his hair regal? I don't know, but it's probably not a detail that's worth delving into. I'd probably just cut that bit out and simplify the sentence:
>Thomas's silver hair, that had once cascaded down his shoulders, was now cut short and dyed black.
Just stating that his hair has been cut and dyed is enough of a clue that he was probably compelled to do this for some reason, and the reader will likely pick up on it. Moreover, you clarify a few paragraphs later that the family has to hide their natural hair color to avoid drawing orcish attention, so it's unnecessary to point it out here.
>His name was Thomas, and his heart was burdened with anger and frustration, yet he had to maintain a facade of compliance to protect his daughter, Elise.
At this point you've already established that the character's name is Thomas, and you've referred to him by this name multiple times. Telling us that "his name was Thomas" is completely redundant here.
>It was hard for him to remember a time when those bright, cerulean eyes were wide with curiosity, focused on her books when he wasn't telling her stories before bed. Now they were tired, cold, dulled. Her golden hair cascaded down her back like a radiant waterfall, shimmering with every movement, as though rebelling against the oppressive bleakness of the world around her.
+5: your writing is noticeably clearer, more focused, and easier to read than in other selections you've given us.
-5: you've got some purple prose issues going on here. It's prevalent throughout most of the text, but I highlighted this section as an example. Referring to "cerulean eyes" or hair cascading "like a radiant waterfall" will usually make readers roll their eyes, cerulean or otherwise. Dial it back a bit.
>The room they found themselves in was a stark contrast to the ethereal beauty of its inhabitants.
Are these two characters ethereally beautiful? It sounds like they would be in their natural state; however, you've also made it clear that they have been forced to cut and dye their hair and dress up in ragged clothing. Just at this moment, "ethereal" probably doesn't describe them very well, and they likely do a better job of blending into their surroundings than this passage would suggest.
Also, you've clarified that the room they are in is their apartment, where the two of them live. Even if this is just temporary housing, it's still their home, so it's inappropriate to say that they "found themselves" here. The statement "<character name> found himself in <location>" is usually reserved for occasions when a character arrives in an unfamiliar place, sometimes by unfamiliar means. For instance, a character who goes binge drinking in Mexico one night might suddenly find himself in an unfamiliar bathtub with a kidney missing. However, if the same character were sitting at home with his daughter, he wouldn't find himself in his apartment, he'd just be in his apartment.
>Against one wall, a cracked mirror reflected their weary forms, distorting their features, as if symbolizing the shattered lives they led under the oppressive regime. A threadbare rug lay in the center of the room, its once vibrant colors faded to a dull, lifeless gray.
I have the same comments about the overall tone of this story that I have about the purple prose: it's not necessarily bad, but you really need to dial it back a few notches. By this point you've sufficiently established that the room is dreary, so you don't need to describe every dreary curtain or dreary mirror or dreary teacup that resides in the dreary room.
>The flickering candle cast dancing shadows across their faces, reflecting the struggle and sacrifice etched into their expressions.
I've heard it said that in the glory days of the old British Naval Empire, literary-minded sailors would be scourged and keelhauled for writing sentences like this.
>Elise was seated at her table, poring over her history textbook filled with this decade's version of the government's revisionist lies.
What is the timeframe of this occupation, exactly? Earlier you mention that Thomas can still remember a pre-occupation era, but here you suggest that the occupation has been going on for decades. A couple of paragraphs later, he tells his daughter, who is thirteen, that he learned similar lies when he was in school. If he has any recollection of the pre-occupation era, it would have to be a very early memory. You have to be careful with details like this.
>"Like the rest of this country, it was built around 400 years ago by Moon Elves fleeing from tyrannical despots. People once called Westfall the most beautiful place in the world. They called it The City of Life and Love. Hard to believe, looking at it now. But then, just 200 years ago, the Orcs came."
Couple of things here. First, is this city called Westfall or Southfort? My best guess is that Southfort is maybe a neighborhood or a district within Westfall, but you refer to the same area by two names and don't clarify. Second, an addendum to my comment above: if the Orcs came 200 years ago, unless Moon Elves are particularly long-lived, it's impossible for Thomas to have any direct memory of a pre-Orc time period.
>>365484
>Trust me, it's worse in Westfall today. Orcs spread like a fungus, and their awfulness grows like a weed if left unchecked. The only good Orcs are only good until they stop being afraid of what happens if they stop being good Orcs. Orcs say they've never done anything wrong and they're treated like criminals everywhere they go. But Orcs are treated like a bioweapon by the Goblins who bring them here to use against us. Anything to keep the workers down. It all happened just a hundred years ago... There was a 17 year old girl named Sophie.
You're all over the place here. I'll try to break some of this down.
>The only good Orcs are only good until they stop being afraid of what happens if they stop being good Orcs.
Not only would this terrible sentence earn you an additional keelhauling and flogging from the once-proud British Naval Empire, it's not even clear what you're trying to say. What is a good Orc, how does one distinguish good Orc behavior from bad, and, most significantly, what happens when a good Orc stops being good? Is "goodness" in this context defined by an Orc's behavior in regards to other Orcs, or to Moon Elves?
>Orcs say they've never done anything wrong and they're treated like criminals everywhere they go.
They're treated like criminals everywhere they go? I thought they were supposed to be in charge here, and that it was the Moon Elves who were being treated like criminals.
>But Orcs are treated like a bioweapon by the Goblins who bring them here to use against us.
Now there are Goblins? Where did these guys come from? Unfortunately, we never get to find out, because they are never mentioned again. The entire power structure in this setting is very difficult to figure out.
>Anything to keep the workers down.
Wait, what?
>It all happened just a hundred years ago...
I thought it happened two hundred years ago? Wait a minute...what happened 100 and/or 200 years ago, exactly? The Elf invasion, or Orc invasion, or whatever it was? Or are you introducing a new topic here?
>There was a 17 year old girl named Sophie.
Wait, who? Isn't this guy supposed to be teaching his daughter about the true history of Westfall?
Anyway, from here things begin to go off the rails. Apparently, this Sophie character was nearly raped by an Orc, and yada yada yada the Orc got off with only a light sentence. A bunch of Moon Elves showed up at the jail to protest, and things go south from there.
>While the Moon Elves were waving signs and protesting peacefully and getting nowhere, as you cannot appeal to the better nature of naturally evil creatures like Orcs, a gang of Orcs showed up with bows and started shooting at the Moon Elves. Hurling arrows, axes, knives, insults, accusations of pedophilia and insanity and incest and dog-fucking, the usual nonsense. We Moon Elves endured it at first, and then we shot back with our bows. Warning shots, at first, but they kept attacking, so we shot one of them in the arm, and the rest scampered away like rats and left him to bleed out. When the other Orcs heard about this they went berserk and spread the news. It was time for an Kil'Gragthar.
At this point I have completely lost track of what the fuck is supposed to be going on. All I know is that this girl is probably getting an F on her homework.
Anyway, it's pretty muddled, but I think I have a basic idea of what's being said. 100 years ago, this girl Sophie was raped by some Orcs, a bunch of Moon Elves protested the light sentence he was given, a fight ensued, and the Orcs rioted. At some point after this, the Orcs decided they wanted this somewhat embarrassing incident scrubbed from their history. I guess.
>"Cold lava? But that's impossible! Lava is rock when it gets hot enough to melt. Lava can't be cold without becoming rock and ceasing to be lava."
Does this girl have autism?
>The Orcs started telling people Westfall was built by Orcs for Orcs despite the best efforts of evil envious cackling moustache-twirling puppy-kicking Elves getting in their way for no real reason, until one day we decided to go over there and start killing them en masse over two days for no apparent reason, and then we left survivors alive for some reason.
All I have to say about this sentence is that you are really, really fortunate not to have lived during the glory days of the Old British Naval Empire.
>Funny how the only functional Orc cities exist in Orc fantasies and Orc lies, or rely on Elves to function and stop functioning when too many Orcs take important positions from Elves, isn't it?
The problem with Thomas's rhetorical question here is that the reader doesn't have enough information to understand what's being inferred. So far we've established that Westfall was originally an Elf city, and that Orcs took over about 200 years ago. However, beyond that, we don't know very much about the Orcs. Do they have functional cities? The implication seems to be that they don't, but if they were able to organize an invasion of this Elf city, establish a government and rule it for 200 years, they must have some level of competency.
>Trust me, it's worse in Westfall today. Orcs spread like a fungus, and their awfulness grows like a weed if left unchecked. The only good Orcs are only good until they stop being afraid of what happens if they stop being good Orcs. Orcs say they've never done anything wrong and they're treated like criminals everywhere they go. But Orcs are treated like a bioweapon by the Goblins who bring them here to use against us. Anything to keep the workers down. It all happened just a hundred years ago... There was a 17 year old girl named Sophie.
You're all over the place here. I'll try to break some of this down.
>The only good Orcs are only good until they stop being afraid of what happens if they stop being good Orcs.
Not only would this terrible sentence earn you an additional keelhauling and flogging from the once-proud British Naval Empire, it's not even clear what you're trying to say. What is a good Orc, how does one distinguish good Orc behavior from bad, and, most significantly, what happens when a good Orc stops being good? Is "goodness" in this context defined by an Orc's behavior in regards to other Orcs, or to Moon Elves?
>Orcs say they've never done anything wrong and they're treated like criminals everywhere they go.
They're treated like criminals everywhere they go? I thought they were supposed to be in charge here, and that it was the Moon Elves who were being treated like criminals.
>But Orcs are treated like a bioweapon by the Goblins who bring them here to use against us.
Now there are Goblins? Where did these guys come from? Unfortunately, we never get to find out, because they are never mentioned again. The entire power structure in this setting is very difficult to figure out.
>Anything to keep the workers down.
Wait, what?
>It all happened just a hundred years ago...
I thought it happened two hundred years ago? Wait a minute...what happened 100 and/or 200 years ago, exactly? The Elf invasion, or Orc invasion, or whatever it was? Or are you introducing a new topic here?
>There was a 17 year old girl named Sophie.
Wait, who? Isn't this guy supposed to be teaching his daughter about the true history of Westfall?
Anyway, from here things begin to go off the rails. Apparently, this Sophie character was nearly raped by an Orc, and yada yada yada the Orc got off with only a light sentence. A bunch of Moon Elves showed up at the jail to protest, and things go south from there.
>While the Moon Elves were waving signs and protesting peacefully and getting nowhere, as you cannot appeal to the better nature of naturally evil creatures like Orcs, a gang of Orcs showed up with bows and started shooting at the Moon Elves. Hurling arrows, axes, knives, insults, accusations of pedophilia and insanity and incest and dog-fucking, the usual nonsense. We Moon Elves endured it at first, and then we shot back with our bows. Warning shots, at first, but they kept attacking, so we shot one of them in the arm, and the rest scampered away like rats and left him to bleed out. When the other Orcs heard about this they went berserk and spread the news. It was time for an Kil'Gragthar.
At this point I have completely lost track of what the fuck is supposed to be going on. All I know is that this girl is probably getting an F on her homework.
Anyway, it's pretty muddled, but I think I have a basic idea of what's being said. 100 years ago, this girl Sophie was raped by some Orcs, a bunch of Moon Elves protested the light sentence he was given, a fight ensued, and the Orcs rioted. At some point after this, the Orcs decided they wanted this somewhat embarrassing incident scrubbed from their history. I guess.
>"Cold lava? But that's impossible! Lava is rock when it gets hot enough to melt. Lava can't be cold without becoming rock and ceasing to be lava."
Does this girl have autism?
>The Orcs started telling people Westfall was built by Orcs for Orcs despite the best efforts of evil envious cackling moustache-twirling puppy-kicking Elves getting in their way for no real reason, until one day we decided to go over there and start killing them en masse over two days for no apparent reason, and then we left survivors alive for some reason.
All I have to say about this sentence is that you are really, really fortunate not to have lived during the glory days of the Old British Naval Empire.
>Funny how the only functional Orc cities exist in Orc fantasies and Orc lies, or rely on Elves to function and stop functioning when too many Orcs take important positions from Elves, isn't it?
The problem with Thomas's rhetorical question here is that the reader doesn't have enough information to understand what's being inferred. So far we've established that Westfall was originally an Elf city, and that Orcs took over about 200 years ago. However, beyond that, we don't know very much about the Orcs. Do they have functional cities? The implication seems to be that they don't, but if they were able to organize an invasion of this Elf city, establish a government and rule it for 200 years, they must have some level of competency.
>>365485
Anyway, to sum it up:
Like I said, this is better than anything you've submitted here before, so good job on the improvement. That said, there are some problems.
As far as writing and mechanics, you basically go in two directions. On the one hand, you have the early narrative portions, where you're describing ethereal, cascading golden hair and cracked, depressing grey walls. Your problem here is a tendency to veer into purple prose: you're just trying way too hard to make your writing sound elegant.
Once the dialogue begins, you have the opposite problem. The portions where Thomas is explaining things to his daughter are closer to your usual writing style, in that it reads like you were just typing whatever popped into your head without bothering to polish it, or even just read back over it to see if it made any sense. Thomas speaks in long, angry sentences that confuse more than they clarify.
The overall structure of the story consists of a single scene that mostly focuses on a conversation between a father and his daughter. This is another area where you show improvement. Although the story is a little too dialogue-heavy, and you still have problems with dumping information onto the reader via large block paragraphs spoken by characters, the overall structure is decent, and I appreciate you confining yourself to a single scene.
However, I'm not sure what the reader is supposed to take away from this story. It's clear that these characters live in a world where their race is being oppressed by a hostile invading race, and that there is a complex history behind how this situation came about. However, we don't really learn much about how this came about, or where we can expect things to go.
Your setting is murky and strange. For one thing, there are the naming issues: you begin by calling the place Southfort, and from there on refer to it as Westfall, without ever bringing up Southfort again. Did the Orcs rename the place when they took over? Is Southfort a neighborhood or a district within Westfall? We don't know, and you never tell us. If you're not going to clarify this detail, it would probably be better to just pick one name and stick with it from start to finish.
Also, the mix of modern elements with fantasy elements is unnerving and isn't handled well. You mention things like fluorescent lights and electricity, and we learn that Thomas has some kind of office job and drives to work (presumably in a car, or something like a car) every morning. However, you also have Orcs and Elves shooting at each other with bows and arrows and brandishing axes and knives. What sort of a place am I supposed to be imagining here? Is this a basically modern city that just happens to be inhabited by fantasy creatures? Or is this a proto-medieval fantasy world that just happens to have invented some more complicated technology?
The political situation is also weird. You establish that Westfall and/or Southfort was built by Elves 400 years prior to the events of the story. At some point, it was conquered by Orcs who, despite being portrayed as a race of uncivilized savages, somehow managed to establish a government and rule for 200 years. The relationship between the subjugated Elves and the ruling Orcs is unclear as well. During the rape incident, the presumably Orcish judicial system handed out a light sentence to an Orcish offender, and the Elves took issue with this. The Elves stage a protest at the jail, are confronted by Orcs, a fight breaks out, and one of the Orcs takes an arrow to the arm. The Orc population learns about this incident, and responds by...going on a bloody rampage, in which they burned down the city that they conquered and have governed for a century? It's a bit of a strange thing to do.
Part of the problem is that Thomas brings this rape incident up out of nowhere. He explains to his daughter that he's going to tell her the history of Westfall. At this point I was expecting a long infodump about how the Orcs managed to invade and take over, maybe juxtaposed against the version of the story that Elise had been taught in school. However, instead of doing this, he launches into this story about a 100 year old rape that preceded a riot. The purpose of this anecdote seems to be to establish the Orcs as a violent and destructive people, but unfortunately it doesn't clarify much about the history of Westfall, particularly about how this pack of apparently incompetent savages managed to establish control over this industrially advanced society of Elves and rule them for 200 years. Again, by the time he finishes, the reader is left with more questions than answers.
All in all, this is a pretty strange piece. We are introduced to two Elvish characters, who are forced to live in poverty because their city is ruled by an oppressive Orc government. The Orcs have established schools which they use as propaganda mills, forcing their Elvish subjects to memorize false and apparently contradictory versions of history.
The father character tells the daughter that he is going to explain to her the real history of the city, but instead of doing this goes off on a tangent about a 100 year old rape incident. In addition to this, he rants a bit about Orcs, calling them backward and violent, though never explaining how such a backward and violent people could manage to take over what appears to be a complex industrial society and rule it for 200 years. A third race of Goblins is brought up, but they are only mentioned once in passing, and it's unclear how they factor into the story. By the end, we don't know much more about these characters or their world than we did when the story began.
The whole thing ends on a vague note. We are told that weeks pass, the two characters continue to imbibe propaganda against their will, all the while plotting to rebel, or escape, or something. Will they? I'm not sure, and I'm not sure if I'm interested enough to want to find out.
Anyway, to sum it up:
Like I said, this is better than anything you've submitted here before, so good job on the improvement. That said, there are some problems.
As far as writing and mechanics, you basically go in two directions. On the one hand, you have the early narrative portions, where you're describing ethereal, cascading golden hair and cracked, depressing grey walls. Your problem here is a tendency to veer into purple prose: you're just trying way too hard to make your writing sound elegant.
Once the dialogue begins, you have the opposite problem. The portions where Thomas is explaining things to his daughter are closer to your usual writing style, in that it reads like you were just typing whatever popped into your head without bothering to polish it, or even just read back over it to see if it made any sense. Thomas speaks in long, angry sentences that confuse more than they clarify.
The overall structure of the story consists of a single scene that mostly focuses on a conversation between a father and his daughter. This is another area where you show improvement. Although the story is a little too dialogue-heavy, and you still have problems with dumping information onto the reader via large block paragraphs spoken by characters, the overall structure is decent, and I appreciate you confining yourself to a single scene.
However, I'm not sure what the reader is supposed to take away from this story. It's clear that these characters live in a world where their race is being oppressed by a hostile invading race, and that there is a complex history behind how this situation came about. However, we don't really learn much about how this came about, or where we can expect things to go.
Your setting is murky and strange. For one thing, there are the naming issues: you begin by calling the place Southfort, and from there on refer to it as Westfall, without ever bringing up Southfort again. Did the Orcs rename the place when they took over? Is Southfort a neighborhood or a district within Westfall? We don't know, and you never tell us. If you're not going to clarify this detail, it would probably be better to just pick one name and stick with it from start to finish.
Also, the mix of modern elements with fantasy elements is unnerving and isn't handled well. You mention things like fluorescent lights and electricity, and we learn that Thomas has some kind of office job and drives to work (presumably in a car, or something like a car) every morning. However, you also have Orcs and Elves shooting at each other with bows and arrows and brandishing axes and knives. What sort of a place am I supposed to be imagining here? Is this a basically modern city that just happens to be inhabited by fantasy creatures? Or is this a proto-medieval fantasy world that just happens to have invented some more complicated technology?
The political situation is also weird. You establish that Westfall and/or Southfort was built by Elves 400 years prior to the events of the story. At some point, it was conquered by Orcs who, despite being portrayed as a race of uncivilized savages, somehow managed to establish a government and rule for 200 years. The relationship between the subjugated Elves and the ruling Orcs is unclear as well. During the rape incident, the presumably Orcish judicial system handed out a light sentence to an Orcish offender, and the Elves took issue with this. The Elves stage a protest at the jail, are confronted by Orcs, a fight breaks out, and one of the Orcs takes an arrow to the arm. The Orc population learns about this incident, and responds by...going on a bloody rampage, in which they burned down the city that they conquered and have governed for a century? It's a bit of a strange thing to do.
Part of the problem is that Thomas brings this rape incident up out of nowhere. He explains to his daughter that he's going to tell her the history of Westfall. At this point I was expecting a long infodump about how the Orcs managed to invade and take over, maybe juxtaposed against the version of the story that Elise had been taught in school. However, instead of doing this, he launches into this story about a 100 year old rape that preceded a riot. The purpose of this anecdote seems to be to establish the Orcs as a violent and destructive people, but unfortunately it doesn't clarify much about the history of Westfall, particularly about how this pack of apparently incompetent savages managed to establish control over this industrially advanced society of Elves and rule them for 200 years. Again, by the time he finishes, the reader is left with more questions than answers.
All in all, this is a pretty strange piece. We are introduced to two Elvish characters, who are forced to live in poverty because their city is ruled by an oppressive Orc government. The Orcs have established schools which they use as propaganda mills, forcing their Elvish subjects to memorize false and apparently contradictory versions of history.
The father character tells the daughter that he is going to explain to her the real history of the city, but instead of doing this goes off on a tangent about a 100 year old rape incident. In addition to this, he rants a bit about Orcs, calling them backward and violent, though never explaining how such a backward and violent people could manage to take over what appears to be a complex industrial society and rule it for 200 years. A third race of Goblins is brought up, but they are only mentioned once in passing, and it's unclear how they factor into the story. By the end, we don't know much more about these characters or their world than we did when the story began.
The whole thing ends on a vague note. We are told that weeks pass, the two characters continue to imbibe propaganda against their will, all the while plotting to rebel, or escape, or something. Will they? I'm not sure, and I'm not sure if I'm interested enough to want to find out.
>>365430
>Was I being too on the nose when I named the place Westfall?
It's about as subtle as naming your main character Norm Hull, or calling your rare-mineral-macguffin "unobtainium." However, in the grand scheme of things it's not that big a deal. "Westfall" is as good a name as any for a city.
>Was I being too on the nose when I named the place Westfall?
It's about as subtle as naming your main character Norm Hull, or calling your rare-mineral-macguffin "unobtainium." However, in the grand scheme of things it's not that big a deal. "Westfall" is as good a name as any for a city.
>>365487
The 2000s film Saved, a piece of anti christian jewish propaganda, named its protag Mary Cummings. I thought abought about naming my protagonist Arion but that seemed too on the nose. Like calling his daughter Ariana.
The goblins are evil rich bastards who brought the orcs here, but I thought about combining their role with the Orcs so this world would only have orcs and elves, and some orcs are smart and evil but most orcs are dumb and evil.
There was a draft where the elf hero kept going on and on about how he has centaur and harpy friends because he's so much more tolerant than the intolerant and intolerable orcs, would that make this story better? All races oppressed under the orc's boot.
Thank you for the review, you've given me a lot to think about.
I wanted to get more feedback before continuing the story but I planned on making the day they escape tomorrow. Then the story follows the male protag as he goes about his day as if nothing out of the ordinary is planned. He buys food, food is more expensive than ever, he still buys some for a disabled homeless elf man, he notices a rich orc man pour his milkshake on a homeless woman and call her privileged, he has to go to work at the construction site where they are building a hotel for more gimmiegrant rapefugees, he argues with a libtarded former friend at the bus stop, he notices a newspaper full of orc faces in a child trafficking gang and shows it to the libtarded friend who willingly looks away and chants orcs are victims elves are oppresssors over and over.
Then an orc guy comes into the bus stop and touches a very scared white womans hair and starts threatening her. The hero is ready to jump in to protect her if necessary while hoping it isnt because he knows fighting an orc means being made into an example by the orc system, and the libcuck fag is looking the other way.
Then the bus arrives and the woman gets on even though it isnt going her way. The protag gets on too. The protag asks the woman if she was okay but she already decided to pretend everything was fine and say she deserved it because elves totally always touch orc hair. A ridiculous lie of course, we have all touched scouring brushes before. This was inspired by how I saw a woman react to that video of the nigger who breaks into houses and steals dogs and threatens white women and has jew handlers.
The protag reads a book on the bus about saving innocents in a violent dark fantasy land while the radio on the bus preaches feminist hatred of man from a bitter post wall whore with fourty cats, and antifa fags block the roads for hours with police protection as the cops watch and a guy eventually goes out and pulls the fags out of the way of the bus and gets arrested for that, the protag gets yelled at by his orc boss when he gets there for shit out of the protag's control, and then the boss says you're our hardest worker and best worker and we have a management position open and we think you would be perfect to...
Show my daughter around the workplace and teach her how to be your new manager. The hero is disappointed but accepts it and the greedy jew boss's mixed race daughter is a dumb cunt who says feminist shit like "It's a good thing you men finally have a woman in charge" even though the business was built by a man 200 years ago and owned by a woman for 170 years before jews bought it. Every time she says something dumb he cannot argue against it, and the story smash cuts to him laughing with his friends at a based bar who take turns pointing out how retarded she is and ask "and then what happened?" to jump back in time.
The protag works hard at his job, he talks to his friends at the job, for his break he hits the gym and there was whore music on the radio but halfway through his workout someone switched it to antifamilial selfish sigma male grindset jew preaching, he works his second job as a prostitute because he is symbolically forced to give his desirable body for a society that hates him and needs him, while getting changed and using a Beaststone to become a centaur man temporarily a faggot tells him he would make more money if he became a femboy slut catboy for faggy old men and he says no he's not that desperate, he flirts with rich retard post wall women and tries hard not to laugh at them while giving them the boyfriend experience but when he takes them to their sex room they drunkenly cry about all the good men they turned down who got women afterwards and left them alone so no sex happens, then he deactivates his Beaststone and goes to the bar to talk to his friends and make one drink last all night and then he goes home and on the way home he sees a gay bar get muslimsploded I mean Orcsploded and goes home because orcsplosions as common as rain these days.
The "the heroes will escape soon" hook should ideally keep the audience invested as they prepare to see just how awful orced society is.
The setting is supposed to have recently discovered steam power. No guns. Are flourescent lights powered by a steam based power plant owned by the government incorrect? Nigs infested south africa's important positions of power and the electricity is unreliable as a result. I wanted that here.
The orc rape chimpout was inspired by Tulsa. Jews say we went there and "destroyed black Wall Street". It was actually just nigs nigging.
The 2000s film Saved, a piece of anti christian jewish propaganda, named its protag Mary Cummings. I thought abought about naming my protagonist Arion but that seemed too on the nose. Like calling his daughter Ariana.
The goblins are evil rich bastards who brought the orcs here, but I thought about combining their role with the Orcs so this world would only have orcs and elves, and some orcs are smart and evil but most orcs are dumb and evil.
There was a draft where the elf hero kept going on and on about how he has centaur and harpy friends because he's so much more tolerant than the intolerant and intolerable orcs, would that make this story better? All races oppressed under the orc's boot.
Thank you for the review, you've given me a lot to think about.
I wanted to get more feedback before continuing the story but I planned on making the day they escape tomorrow. Then the story follows the male protag as he goes about his day as if nothing out of the ordinary is planned. He buys food, food is more expensive than ever, he still buys some for a disabled homeless elf man, he notices a rich orc man pour his milkshake on a homeless woman and call her privileged, he has to go to work at the construction site where they are building a hotel for more gimmiegrant rapefugees, he argues with a libtarded former friend at the bus stop, he notices a newspaper full of orc faces in a child trafficking gang and shows it to the libtarded friend who willingly looks away and chants orcs are victims elves are oppresssors over and over.
Then an orc guy comes into the bus stop and touches a very scared white womans hair and starts threatening her. The hero is ready to jump in to protect her if necessary while hoping it isnt because he knows fighting an orc means being made into an example by the orc system, and the libcuck fag is looking the other way.
Then the bus arrives and the woman gets on even though it isnt going her way. The protag gets on too. The protag asks the woman if she was okay but she already decided to pretend everything was fine and say she deserved it because elves totally always touch orc hair. A ridiculous lie of course, we have all touched scouring brushes before. This was inspired by how I saw a woman react to that video of the nigger who breaks into houses and steals dogs and threatens white women and has jew handlers.
The protag reads a book on the bus about saving innocents in a violent dark fantasy land while the radio on the bus preaches feminist hatred of man from a bitter post wall whore with fourty cats, and antifa fags block the roads for hours with police protection as the cops watch and a guy eventually goes out and pulls the fags out of the way of the bus and gets arrested for that, the protag gets yelled at by his orc boss when he gets there for shit out of the protag's control, and then the boss says you're our hardest worker and best worker and we have a management position open and we think you would be perfect to...
Show my daughter around the workplace and teach her how to be your new manager. The hero is disappointed but accepts it and the greedy jew boss's mixed race daughter is a dumb cunt who says feminist shit like "It's a good thing you men finally have a woman in charge" even though the business was built by a man 200 years ago and owned by a woman for 170 years before jews bought it. Every time she says something dumb he cannot argue against it, and the story smash cuts to him laughing with his friends at a based bar who take turns pointing out how retarded she is and ask "and then what happened?" to jump back in time.
The protag works hard at his job, he talks to his friends at the job, for his break he hits the gym and there was whore music on the radio but halfway through his workout someone switched it to antifamilial selfish sigma male grindset jew preaching, he works his second job as a prostitute because he is symbolically forced to give his desirable body for a society that hates him and needs him, while getting changed and using a Beaststone to become a centaur man temporarily a faggot tells him he would make more money if he became a femboy slut catboy for faggy old men and he says no he's not that desperate, he flirts with rich retard post wall women and tries hard not to laugh at them while giving them the boyfriend experience but when he takes them to their sex room they drunkenly cry about all the good men they turned down who got women afterwards and left them alone so no sex happens, then he deactivates his Beaststone and goes to the bar to talk to his friends and make one drink last all night and then he goes home and on the way home he sees a gay bar get muslimsploded I mean Orcsploded and goes home because orcsplosions as common as rain these days.
The "the heroes will escape soon" hook should ideally keep the audience invested as they prepare to see just how awful orced society is.
The setting is supposed to have recently discovered steam power. No guns. Are flourescent lights powered by a steam based power plant owned by the government incorrect? Nigs infested south africa's important positions of power and the electricity is unreliable as a result. I wanted that here.
The orc rape chimpout was inspired by Tulsa. Jews say we went there and "destroyed black Wall Street". It was actually just nigs nigging.
>>365490
The site has rules about that?
But who could have checked the story? It was Unlisted. This is the only place I posted the link. Did someone here see it and report it for a lack of pone? Are they manually reviewed that fast? Or is there a bot that gets triggered if no words in a list of mandatory horse words show up?
The site has rules about that?
But who could have checked the story? It was Unlisted. This is the only place I posted the link. Did someone here see it and report it for a lack of pone? Are they manually reviewed that fast? Or is there a bot that gets triggered if no words in a list of mandatory horse words show up?
>>365533
I'm not a writer. Not even a conoisseur of sorts. You shouldn't listen to me.
I've actually always liked your "purple prose". I liked it here too, and I kinda wish I had that skill. I still don't want to democratize those skills, so that everyone can access them as if they were something trivial. Overall it wasn't bad.
The only major issue to me are the long paragraph dialogues. As it's been said before, try to shrink them down a bit. If you use your "descriptive prose skills" Don't even know what to call them. Am pretty bad at this. you can make something pretty good in conjuction with sized down, more concise dialogues.
I'm not a writer. Not even a conoisseur of sorts. You shouldn't listen to me.
I've actually always liked your "purple prose". I liked it here too, and I kinda wish I had that skill. I still don't want to democratize those skills, so that everyone can access them as if they were something trivial. Overall it wasn't bad.
The only major issue to me are the long paragraph dialogues. As it's been said before, try to shrink them down a bit. If you use your "descriptive prose skills" Don't even know what to call them. Am pretty bad at this. you can make something pretty good in conjuction with sized down, more concise dialogues.
File (): F2B4C395C47B6751DAAAF73DDE0E2020-63742.jpg (62.2 KB, 900x900, supre rad oc dont steal.jpg)
This is my new OC, I call him Faggot Fox. I am going to write lots and lots of stories about him. Say something nice about him please, I'm very sensitive.
>>365535
Thanks! Doing prose like that comes naturally to me, I write a line like "she had blonde hair" and ask how I can make it cooler and then I get "Her hair was like a waterfall of gold that shimmered with each movement" and then I added symbolism by deciding the Orcs want Elves to cover up their superior Elf hair just like Orcs want to cover up the truth and the superiority of Elf abilities and culture. I considered a scene where elf girl talks to a friend of hers who got nigger hair and got fully brainwashed and is darkening her skin and acting black but that was depressing and too much Kid POV makes people say "Ew, this story is for kids/teens". The libtards genuinely "want to be black so bad" unlike the based whites who despise niggers.
On one hand I want a character arc where an idealistic young protagonist gradually gets more based and eventually wants orcs out of his country by any means necessary. On the other hand someone has to play the mentor role and explain shit. But it can't be a boomer. I'm thinking of giving the male protag an angry friend who argues with his boomertard parents. Boomer tards have to be in there somewhere. It'd feel incomplete without touching on every aspect of how the jews and niggers and mudslimes hurt whites. But do I really have to go over everything ever before the audience will be cool with 26 chapters of Total Nigger Death? Chapter one is kind of dragging on. Maybe friends of the male protagonist could join him in his quest and later talk about pivotal events in their lives that made them based, elaborating on how the aspect of life important to them was hurt by orcs. That could help stop this story from being frontloaded with what one proofreader described as elf history homework.
I know the niggers aren't forcing us to shave our heads or hide our hair (yet) but muslims force people to wear headscarves so it fits better than when Handmaid's Tale tried pinning Islamic treatment of women on white Christians who just want their natural rights to stop being infringed upon by women's privileges.
>>365538
Why does he have wings?
Thanks! Doing prose like that comes naturally to me, I write a line like "she had blonde hair" and ask how I can make it cooler and then I get "Her hair was like a waterfall of gold that shimmered with each movement" and then I added symbolism by deciding the Orcs want Elves to cover up their superior Elf hair just like Orcs want to cover up the truth and the superiority of Elf abilities and culture. I considered a scene where elf girl talks to a friend of hers who got nigger hair and got fully brainwashed and is darkening her skin and acting black but that was depressing and too much Kid POV makes people say "Ew, this story is for kids/teens". The libtards genuinely "want to be black so bad" unlike the based whites who despise niggers.
On one hand I want a character arc where an idealistic young protagonist gradually gets more based and eventually wants orcs out of his country by any means necessary. On the other hand someone has to play the mentor role and explain shit. But it can't be a boomer. I'm thinking of giving the male protag an angry friend who argues with his boomertard parents. Boomer tards have to be in there somewhere. It'd feel incomplete without touching on every aspect of how the jews and niggers and mudslimes hurt whites. But do I really have to go over everything ever before the audience will be cool with 26 chapters of Total Nigger Death? Chapter one is kind of dragging on. Maybe friends of the male protagonist could join him in his quest and later talk about pivotal events in their lives that made them based, elaborating on how the aspect of life important to them was hurt by orcs. That could help stop this story from being frontloaded with what one proofreader described as elf history homework.
I know the niggers aren't forcing us to shave our heads or hide our hair (yet) but muslims force people to wear headscarves so it fits better than when Handmaid's Tale tried pinning Islamic treatment of women on white Christians who just want their natural rights to stop being infringed upon by women's privileges.
>>365538
Why does he have wings?
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