/mlpol/ - My Little Politics


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Writefag Support Circle: A Gathering of Based Gentlemen Who Smoke Pipes.
Anonymous
78d7e52
?
No.336928
336929 336941 336955 337011 338530
Hello. This is the second thread of the writefag circle, here: >>299458 →

Basically all that is said in that OP applies to this one but I'll go through the 'rules' of this thread here as well.

So, the main point of this thread is to facilitate and enable Anons' writefagging; in a similar way pride facilitates and enables aids.;^P The Anons in this thread can be seperated into two camps: Anons who wants help with their writing project(s) and Anons that feel inclined to help those aforementioned shrek-colored skinheads.

Crafting and beta-reading is what we do here, any critique of literature not made by a guy submitted for this thread should be incidental; it should be when you —as a beta-reader of fics posted ITT— make a comparision between the fic your reviewing and some other story for the sake of demonstrating your point, whatever it is.

This is NOT: A review thread for unsolicited rants about random media which does not fall into the mold for how to use a refrence in this thread described in the above paragraph. Meaning if you're not using —like, let's pick something arbitrary— Naruto for a comparision in your critique of someone's writing itt, then don't bring it up. I understand that tangents can happen and if it's like a few exchanges with a pair of posters; then it's fine. However, don't make this a pattern and also move whatever off-thread-topic discussion to a more fitting board/thread. There's after all no problem with finding someone to converse with and share perspectives on a subject you care about but just take it to an appropriate thread. Sidenote: Nigel, these rules applies to you in a stricter fashion because I would not have to detail them with this much precision if it weren't for you.

I hope that I haven't scared anybody off. This is still suppose to be a chill af thread. Funposting is very much allowed and encouraged. It really is more that some type of posting —like, things that are completely irrelevant to the thread— does not belong here. I know, rocket-science and a rule that is seldom seen and highly unique for this thread. Perhaps you could call it a... Novelty. (You) intelligent lurker, obviously get the subtext of this OP so you probably won't need to worry about any of this. I'd say if you're unsure if what you're about to post belongs in the thread, then post it anyway. The worst that can happen is that someone tells you to move it to another thread and you get a better insight of what post belongs in thread. If you consist on fish and chips, however, I'd sugguest you think twice on what you're posting and perhaps even ask beforehand if your rant about lefties and Undertale belongs here.

If there are any questions on the OP, ask away?
Anonymous
78d7e52
?
No.336929
>>336928
>If there are any questions on the OP, ask away?
*ask away.
Anonymous
060a0e3
?
No.336941
336964
Spoilered
>>336928
Anonymous
ebe5a91
?
No.336955
336957
1638830386375.png
>>336928
After the last threads trainwreck into the septic tank I think it's time to look for another alternative to the moderation that sits with their thumb on their ass over the Niggel neverending invasion of posts. I think it's worth trying a writefag thread on nhnb but it'll have to be poni only, the OP isn't enough to deter Niggel's dysfunctional brain so why put up with it.
Anonymous
7041c44
?
No.336957
>>336955
Naughty Hoers Neuron Bay? I second this motion. Get ready to have your particles accelerated with the power of piracy!

Also: fuck Niggel, but doublefuck the do-nothing shits that are still defending his pigshit insane retardation.
Anonymous
645653f
?
No.336964
337263
>>336941
Eyyy
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.337011
>>336928
Thank you for posting this, I guess Ill start things off then.
One thing to openly declare is, all of my writings lately have been dramatizations of RP events, tyoically Ashes Town. For clarity, this is because whatnis happening in Ashes town is a canon sequence of events that pertain to a DnD campaign Inhave going.
RP event dramatization is a really good venue and impetus to practoce writing, because the difficulty is in making otherwise banal sequences of events into a fleshed-out series of interactions and dialogue. It alsonhelpsbthat the skeleton (what happened) is already formed, and it is only on the authornto describe the interveneing events and minutiae that turn the story from a series of basic exchanges and dice rolls into a coherent storyline.
One can readily differentiate between shitty content and decent content by how many people like hearing the short-hand version of the story, often sparing the author and readers unnecessary effort, and with enough 'approved' content, they can be steung together into a narrative story.
Example from last night:
>What happened
Addy, sitting alone in the bar doing shots. Some rando runs up and steals her drink, drinks it, and starts screaming obscenities. Addy pulls a .500mag, taps him on the forehead with it and (attack roll 94, defense roll 51) kills him.
>Story
Whether with a lead-in from a previous episode of scavenging, or as a stand-alone start to a narrative, I would start by describing the sounds of the bar, the ache of her joints, perhaps the grime on her clothes (possibly referencing previous experiences) and specifically her desire for ease after a hard day.
If a stand-alone, she would reflect on the day and anything significant, before getting a good 2 sheets to the wind. It was a bit of a.celebration (it was a good day) after all.
And then the antagonist would be introduced, first audibly (she could hear him making his way....) and would probably describe her getting focibly pushed aside as he stumbled/pushed/fell past her, taking her drink.
She would then be described as trying to be reasonablr, until he downed the entire bottle and then started hoofing his crotch and spouting the sorts of things Ziggers typically say (with possible references to undesirable ziggers she had dealt with who didnt warrant an episode).
She would then let her rage and alcohol get the better of her, and deciding not to miss in spite of her diminished coordination, would place the barrel against the face for good measure.
The rest of the scene would be pensive. Everypony in the bar had the good sense to ignore the scene (no one responded irl, but it makes a good scene), as she unceremoniously dragged the body - some nopony she had ever seen - outside to skin, clean, and trim, before carrying the remains back to her hideout where she had a natural (powerless) refrigerator buried to preserve meat with.
As she did so, she would think to herself (especially as she sobered) about how she shouldnt have responded so rashly (and indeed, the next morning she would purchase a stout piece of 2x4 for non-lethally disciplining undesirables) but she also knew her friends would have a mighty feast because of this pony's transgressions.
Id end the scene with some sort of affirmation that Addy is neither good nor evil, and that such considerations rarely bothered her, they were just part of living in the wasteland.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.337015
1646385677079.jpg
As a serial mobile-poster, many spelling and typo errors were made
Anonymous
a0d9419
?
No.337263
337279
_Sonata taco.png
>>336964
>Sonata crosses the border to the human dimension, mindrapes the natives, and likes tacos.
What did Hasbro mean by this?
Anonymous
5769b29
?
No.337279
File (hide): 17DA44A5173F7BDB05DA9BCB6A0727B8-2889372.webm (2.8 MB, Resolution:640x640 Length:00:00:29, 1646546413979(2).webm) [play once] [loop]
1646546413979(2).webm
>>337263
muricanz should reinforce the wall with shim batallions
Anonymous
8ce17a5
?
No.338200
338202 338380 338381
So let's kickoff some writing with a simple shitpost.

>Be Anon.
>Be in Rarity's boutique.
>What kinda shenanigans will go down here?
>Oh ho ho.
"Mmmh, this tea is simply divine, Miss rarity," you say as you sip on your green tea.
>Sip sip sip.
>"Oh, isn't it darling. You're such a gentlecolt, Anon. I can only imagine how many mares wishes you were their special somepony." Rarity says and takes miniscule nibble on small diet cookie.
>Rarity's words echo in your head as your teeth grinds together.
>You slap the tea cup off the table so it shatters on the floor.
"But men are suppose to be dominant, not gentle!"
>"Hoooo!" Rarity brings a hoof to her forehead.
"Not posh, but raw and dirty." You grab a chocolate cake, smash it into your face, and start to just smear it over your face.
>Rarity brings her hooves to her chest. leans back, and says, "Oh my."
"Ura ura ura," your deep, croaking laughter surrounds Rarity
>She can't help but to tremble in place.
"M-mister A-Anonymous?" she squeaks out.
"SILENCE!" You slam your fist into the table and a symphony of scrambling porcelain go off.
>You extend you arm, your finger across the table; you dive forth and boop the rarity; Objection!
>You loom over her and the shadow you cast eclipses the sun.
>He eyes widen; "Habububaba habububaba," escapes through her smattering lips.
>Drawing a circle in the air with your finger, you move it from boop-position to having your finger underneath her chin.
"YouuuUUUuuu should know your place, you horse."
>A waterfall of liquid flattens her her stylish velvet curls to her face.
>Behind her stand Pinkie emptying a bottle of lemonad over Rarity.
"Fwoosh!" says Pinkie.
Anonymous
c3c213e
?
No.338202
338289
1630839802547.png
>>338200
Kek. I love aggressive booping. Good job, anon.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.338287
338288
So, to whom it may concern;

Ive been working on another episode of Ashes Town adventures, and I was wondering if anyone was interested/willing to read it and give me some feedback. Preferred: less emphasis on what is done well, and more emphasis on what needs improvement.
Im finished with the REALLY rough draft (comparable to my previously posted episode) but I'm re-drafting it to accomplish a variety of editorial and positional goals.
I just wanted to ask for objections before I dump a wall-of-text and demand accommodation.
Anonymous
423adbc
?
No.338288
338296
>>338287
>before I dump a wall-of-text and demand accommodation.
Walls-of-texts of stories are always welcome. No, need to ask permission, even if it was sweet of you.
Anonymous
423adbc
?
No.338289
>>338202
Thanks.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.338296
>>338288
Appreciated. Just displaying for *ahem* certain audience members how to not alienate the audience in advance. ^_~
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
418acdf
?
No.338380
338436 338560
>>338200
Assuming you're the same Sven I've written reviews for in the past, I remember mostly hammering you on ESL issues and dialogue, and this shows marked improvement in both areas. The language here is much less clunky, and the narration is easier to follow than what I've read from you in the past. The dialogue is much more expressive and natural. I actually remember noticing this with the last thing I saw you post as well (don't remember exactly what it was, and I don't think I commented, but I distinctly remember noticing that your English had improved).

That said, I notice you still have a couple of minor issues with verbs:
>I can only imagine how many mares wishes you were their special somepony.
How many mares wish you were their special somepony.
>Rarity's words echo in your head as your teeth grinds together.
Your teeth grind together.
>You slam your fist into the table and a symphony of scrambling porcelain go off.
A symphony goes off.

Also, this line:
>You grab a chocolate cake, smash it into your face, and start to just smear it over your face.
The word "face" is used twice in rapid succession; this kind of redundancy is usually not a good idea. Better to just say "You smash it into your face, and smear it all around" or something to that effect.

>"YouuuUUUuuu should know your place, you horse."
I like the double entendre here.

All in all, this is pretty good. Nice job.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
418acdf
?
No.338381
>>338200
Oh, one more thing: "lemonade" is misspelled.
Anonymous
6b60250
?
No.338436
>>338380
Wow, thanks for the review. Most appreciated.
>I remember mostly hammering you on ESL issues and dialogue
Yes, you did comment a lot about my ESL issues because they have always been a weak point of mine. I even feel bad about having you review some of the stuff I requested since I was so lazy and didn't proofread nor improved between the works I submitted to you.
I don't think you hammered me on dialogue, though, you have even given me props for naturally sounding dialogue on multiple occasions. Maybe your confusing it with something else? You have commented on my narration in the past on matters excluding ESL issues.
Also, my dialogue can certainly have improved as well, I'm not saying that's not possible, but I distinctly remember you giving my credit for my dialogue in the past.
Thanks, again.
Anonymous
c78b4d9
?
No.338515
1302926.png
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-6HOdHEeosc
Anonymous
7ceeeeb
?
No.338530
338531
>>336928
Anyponer have any advice for a writefag that hasn't written anything in a long time and is looking to get back into the swing of things?
Anonymous
c78b4d9
?
No.338531
338532
>>338530
Start writing. But first do yoy know what kind of writer you are?
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLSH_xM-KC3Zv-79sVZTTj-YA6IAqh8qeQ
Anonymous
7ceeeeb
?
No.338532
338560
>>338531
>But first do yoy know what kind of writer you are?
I'm not sure I understand.
Anonymous
5769b29
?
No.338560
338561
p5_NM69Aq-I_640x360.jpg
>>338380
>I remember mostly hammering you on ESL issues and dialogue
>ESL issues
Oh, heh heh
You're on for a busy day mate
>>338532
Guess you should take a look at the playlist if you have the time
ceeeeb
Anonymous
7ceeeeb
?
No.338561
>>338560
>Guess you should take a look at the playlist if you have the time
Definitely will, Gonna take awhile though.
Anonymous
c3c213e
?
No.338569
I want to join the book club if anyone sets it up.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.338677
338679 344375 346183 346963
Screenshot_20220309-191921_Chrome.jpg
Many moons had passed since the incidents surrounding Anne #289. Adeline had found a serivceable niche in the commerce market and had carved out a sustainable situation for herself, having achieved a degree of autonomy from the standard vendors. Autonomy affords individual growth, and so she committed herself to developing her situation in Equestria for as long as she should find herself here. This Equestria, that is, which bears not the least resemblance to the Equestria she had heard of. That place was supposed to be nice. This one.... Anyway, the most recent biological pony subject Addy interacted with was 3000 something, causing her to decide to shift gears. The episodes that lead to this perspective shift are too short to di individually, so Ill micro compile them. For now, she has the means and the wont to take all the wayward ponies she finds, giving them a gun, filling their bellies, and setting them on course in the stable or under her own wing if they seem apt (none so far, though she gives free lessons for melee and cqb).
Im planning a periodic diary-esque section in between significant episodes, since the final narration will only describe the details of what happens, and will not display a bias toward the protagonist or any other character. Much of what is detailed in this foreword is to compensate for the hours of effort and detail that WILL go into explaining all these details through story rather than overt explanation.
In a/the finished product, I would not utilize an omniscient narrator, thats just lazy writing. Omniscient narrators are only acceptable when describing otherwise uncorrelated things, so that the nuance of how an apparently spontaneous effect is still possible, predictably; with exception, the protagonist is experiencing a stream of stimulus/context and responding sincerely to it. The waterfall at the end of Oh Brother Where Art Thou wouldnt have made sense without the omniscient narrator, mostly.
Tl;dr Addy's met alot of former 'subjects', bio experiments, slaves (sex and labor), and plain orphans. She prefers to get em safe, get em fed, get em armed, and if needs be, get em trained.

---

It had been a good day of scavenging. She hadn't done a tally, but she knew there were at least 3 dozen assorted fruits and who knows how many bags of caps she'd accumulated. More than a day's work and in just a few hours.
And so she found herself outside the Chipped Hoof, her red mane secured in a high ponytail for simplicity of looking clients and vendors in the eye; also better for killing, not that any of that was expected.
Her armored metal plates, crudely riveted and fastened to her uniform (its self basically a kevlar onesie, but more utilitarian) glistened not at all as she sat in the snow while perpetually smoking a cigarette; her eyes methodically shifting to maintain a her awareness of all the dozens of ponies assembled to either hawk or pick up (through purchase OR theft) goods and merchandise.
Her warm fillyfren sat silently at her side, adopting the alternate direction, side-spooning maneuver particularly popular amongst the fillies. All things considered, it had been a fine day and she was looking forward to relaxing and taking it easy the rest of the day. Until she noticed the approach of a fearful and VERY out-of-place filly.
It wasnt her age that pegged her as out of place, it was her clothes and her expression; a mix of fear and uncertainty you only see on ponies when theyve never been in the wasteland before. She wore a black bandanna and a violet jacket, but these looked clean and new, virtually spotless and untouched by the wasteland. She wasnt alone, in front of her was one of those obnoxious pony-droids being led by two ponies in black tactical gear, the lead of which had a 50mm cannon harnessed to him.
She kept an eye on them and observed the leader - a black-maned stallion is all that could be made of him - issue a series of instructions to the droid. He gestured toward the filly, who visibly diminished when his attention was on her, and crumpled in on herself in a display of absolute defeat. His instructions seemingly issued, he nodded to the other pony, a pink-maned mare so tac'd up that her body-color couldnt be determined. She nodded in response and they turned to head off toward the west (Addy's left). In their absence the robot and the filly,... just fucking stood there. For like a half an hour! Not a word nor sound was uttered between them, only the filly's eyes darted every possible direction, and occasionally looking adversarially at the robot.
Addy exhaled the last of her cigarette and wandered in the direction of the pair. They were fairly close, maybe 40' past a small fire some ponies had made to ward off the chill. Addy deposited her cigarette butt in the fire and sauntered over, about 10' from the pair, closer to the filly than the robot. Both had seen her walk over, but her body language and direction were deliberate to imply that her approach was not related to them.
She maintained this space for a bit, occasionally calling out some of her products (guns/ammo, melee weapons, medical supplies, and TP) and conversing with the occasional passers-by, but still the filly and the robot did nothing.
<Ay,... ay there miss? Scuse me miss? Can I ask ye a question?
Addy spoke to the filly, who went wide-eyed and rigid at the sound.
"Uhm... okay." The filly's discomfort was palatable, and the robot had not seemed to notice the start of the exchange. Addy leaned slightly closer.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.338678
338680
Ah shit, my formats didnt take. Sorry.
Anonymous
8ce17a5
?
No.338679
342039 344242
>>338677
Will read tomorrow. Have very limited computer time due to circumstances these days.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.338680
>>338678
<Is everythin alright with ye? Are ye safe? Yer not in danger are ye?
She couldnt avoid making side-glances at the robot, and the filly caught on as she looked directly at the robot before turning back to respond.
"I... I don't... know," she stammered out, appearing on the verge of tears.
<Calm down lass. Do ye need a weapon? Ah kin give ye one fer defense. Is jus' a wee 9mm, but whatever ye're wrapped up in
is what she had been saying, except the robot had now noticed the exchange, its awareness seemingly drawn to the presence of the hoofgun.
"Possible threat detected" it droned emotionlessly, its optical sensors scanning her in a half-dozen ways.
"Leave this area at once." it again droned.
<Ah'll go whur a wunt, a when a wunt, mate
she said, flicking the remainder of a cigarette at the robot's head though narrowly missing. She then turned directly toward the filly and urged
<The gun, take it. Ah git the feelin yer gonna need it afore long
The robot however opened a large compartment on its flank and out sprung what to the naked eye appeared to be an RPG mounted to an armiture, that levelled on Addy with a distinct chunk as its servos locked on target.
"Preparing to fire. Subject is to get immediately behind this unit in 10 seconds."
The filly was the first to respond, literally leaping to motion and cowering behind the robot with her hooves over her head. Addy was the second to move running right up to the robot and placing her face in front of the unsent grenade.
<Go ahead mate, at this range its sure to make a mess of us both!
she challenged, subtly thinking to herself that her abilities would heal these wounds, and most assuredly disable the robot.
She wasnt so lucky however, and doubly so. The robot did not fire, thankfully, it held its position; from behind Addy however - unnoticed because of the exchange - came the sound of a very large cannon, specifically the 50mm she had seen earlier. Without flinching or turning her head, from her peripheral Addy could barely make out the pink-maned mare at her left flank, a laser pistol clenched in their mouth and pointed in her direction.
"Report!" that previously mentioned lead-pony barked from behind Addy.
"Unit stationed and functioning as ordered. Currently on standby engaging a hostile...
<Ah aint hostile!
... target attempting to sell weapons to the subject.
<An ah aint the one brandishin' explosive ordinance!
She suddenly sprung toward the ground to break their line of fire, and with a slight tumbling maneuver sprung toward the leader. Once upright, her head ducked quickly down and firmly clamped the head of a fragmentation grenade just inside her lapel. As she drew it out fully, she caught the ring with her right 'hoof' and pulled. Barely anyone had registered, and Addy was now positioned face to face with this leader-pony, only Addy had an active grenade in her mouth, and was the only thing preventing it from going off.
<Ah guess that puts us on equal footin' dunnit?
She slightly slurred as her mouth clutched the grenade.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.338682
Thats the 1st half of the episode, Im still working on the second half. The actual dialogue was much shorter, but was organic relative to a game interaction; reiterating and paraphrasing it more fitting for a full social interaction is more difficult than I had anticipated, without making glaring errors or compromising tone. For example, while in game Addy is a 'cowe' (since all characters are quadrupeds), but in the story she is a 1/2 minotaur (ala Iron Will). While she she has humanoid hands, she is a satyr abomination and can as readily walk upright as she can on all 4's. In order to avoid attention/notoriety, she wraps her hands so to more resemble the covered hooves that are the norm. But she only reveals her hands either to ponies she can trust (so shes cooking for them) or to ponies who arent going to survive the encounter (so she's cooking them).
These are all details that have played out in previous episodes, but which influence how this episode is being portrayed.
Anonymous
144068b
?
No.339491
339511
Four trails of sparks trailed after the hooves of a mare; her horseshoes glowed yellow as she slid across the cobblestone streets. The hem of her cloak pendulum swung over to the other side when she ground to a halt.

She had appeared around a street corner and stopped in between a demon and the family of ducks.

"Honk! Honk!" the duck quacked, which roughly translated into, "You cracka' ass almost hit me, mutchafucka'. You come in here driftin' but yo' ain't even got a lambo, genowhaahmsayin'?"

The pony did not understand and gently pushed, with her snout, the duck mom away. The mare wanted her to take her ducklings and go.

"Honk! Honk!" Or, "Don't grab mah asss, nigguha! You wan' me to beat yo' ass? Huh? Huh?"

This stubborn duck ain't moving, the mare thought before she turned towards the demon.

It was a jaguar the size of a house with Minotaur hands for front legs. The hairs in its fur disappeared in the blackness of it as if the creature didn't grow fur but void. It opened its maw and a chimney-sized python rolled out between the demon's fangs. "Sssss," came from the snake's air-sawing cloven tongue as its slit eyes focused on the mare.

"Now gooOO0oo!" the mare shouted.

"Honk. Honk. Honk!" A.K.A: "What'cha sayin'? I know you wa'mah swagger up in yo' crib, an'mah crew, biiiii-tch."

A quick glance back told the mare that the mother duck still hadn't moved to safety. The mare sighed and a tree crown of light grew from her horn in a flash. Mother duck and her family of ducklings re-hatched from eggs of magic light on the mare's back.

"Honk!" Or as it's known in the pond kingdom, "Ay ay ay, watch mah kiiids. I need 'em for breadcrumbs, foo!"
Anonymous
a670076
?
No.339511
339585
>>339491
The giant python pulled back its head and like an expert boxer, the mare could predict the future from this alone. With a red flash of her horn, the hem of her cloak rose into the air as if she was mountain-climbing and a gust blew right up from underneath her.

"Honk!" quacked the mother duck and she also said this, "Wow wow wow, what iz this woodoo crap muthafucker. Ain't gonna let no pony popo gonna lock me up."

The hems closed around the ducks like a daytime flower in the evening and with a knot of fabric on top, the ducks were safely boxed in.

"Quack! Honk!" Or, "Ay, wesa'ma rites muthafucka'? I know mah way to the court, I go there every day, what the fuck is theese? There ain't even bum-smellin' weed here, nigguha!"

The python pounced and the mare exploded into a cloud of red sparks. The python grimaced as it swallowed the fire but not from digging up the stones in the road and sending them skipping. The mare reappeared with a pop on the top of a rooftop.

"Honk!" Also, referred to as, "Wah happened? It felt like I was shot again. Sheeeeit, mah phd!"

The two heads of the beast turned towards the sounds. In a concerted effort, the pair swung the snake-tongue up into the air, and then it came crashing down like a whip. Again, the Mare disappeared in a cloud of particles as the snake's body karate chopped the building in two.

Stones lifted like balloons out of the road puzzle and drifted past the demon-beast. As the snake shook its head in an attempt to recover focus, the jaguar's eyes widen as it saw floating stones wrapped in a transparent, red veil. Its pupils darted downwards and found itself standing on a circle of glowing red lines. The jaguar-head twirled around and found the mare standing on the street again. When it saw the mare's horn, it growled and displayed teeth. It blazed with plasma; it shone, it burned, and it dripped liquid that both vaporized the ground and burnt it.
Anonymous
ac6a12d
?
No.339585
>>339511
The python coiled itself around a building and the jaguar part of the demon used its minotaur hands to grab a tree respectively a lamppost. The mare lowered her head. Sparks flew in arcs from her horn. A vein bulge appeared along her neck as she was struggling to pull her head up again. The duck mom quacked something as the cloth-pack, she and her ducklings wherein, lifted off. More stones followed; the mare's tail rose like a line; and all small, light objects in the area climbed upwards. Due to the dullness and blackness of the giant cat's hairs, it looked more like it burned with pitch-black flames rather than hairs being pulled.

The mare trusted up her horn and in phfff the magic around it dissipated. The demon's back legs were the first to go; they were pulled upwards by some invisible force. A small whirlwind danced around the demon, who remained anchored with his hands and serpent-tongue. The python's grip slipped and in the next moment, it flailed in the air as it pulled the jaguar's head backward. The next thing to go was the hand that held the lamppost. The tree groaned and creaked. Roots breached the ground and became branches. Crack. The demon rocketed into the air as one of its hands carried with it a whole tree.

The mare's gaze followed the demon as it became smaller and smaller. The magic in the area dispersed; her tail and cloak fell back down. When her fabric package fell down, it became undone.

"Honk. Honk!" A.K.A, "Shaniqua! Yo' assssssssssss."
Anonymous
97ba3f8
?
No.339862
339882
I feel like I know how to write but I always end up second-guessing myself. How do I end this vicious cycle Mlpol?
Anonymous
9f5a4f9
?
No.339882
339884 339895
>>339862
Literally just keep writing and don't stop, even if it's shit.
You can go back and edit shit content, but you can't fix what was never written.
Anonymous
97ba3f8
?
No.339884
339885 339887 339897
>>339882
Well, thanks for the advice but I've done that a few times and it never worked before. I need some way of feeling that I progress and that I also don't write shit.
Anonymous
97ba3f8
?
No.339885
339888
>>339884
>Shit
As in, I want to write something I feel has merits. That's probably why I stop writing things because I can't help but to think about how they seem to lose the point or thread.
Anonymous
37d1666
?
No.339887
339888 339895
2191240.png
>>339884
Well, why don't you select specific reasons as to why you feel your writing is shit and chip away them one piece at a time starting with the more fundamental issues? Rome wasn't built in a day.
I do this while writing new little stories and comparing them to my older trash. It seems to help just a little bit.
I'm having the same problem you are, but I'm not even an ESL fag.

I literally just want to write a silly, erotic shitpost story to annoy a certain subset of the fandom on fimfic. I think my biggest problem is that I only feel like writing when I'm drunk and want to shitpost while ruthlessly praising the virtues of my waifus, much to the chagrin of other spergs that take themselves way too seriously.
Anonymous
ac0474d
?
No.339888
339895
>>339887
This
Nice satan Id trips, btw
>>339885
So, practice with writing that 'doesnt' have merit. Consider taking a banal story and trying to make it interesting through expression. Pick a theme, something you know is boring and uninteresting, and then dial it up. Make that nonsense story/scene as exciting as you can.
Anonymous
97ba3f8
?
No.339895
339898 339900
>>339882
I appreciate the, 'keep at it' ideal, though, because I won't stop trying.
>>339887
>Rome wasn't built in a day.
And this idea about splitting the problem in to smaller pieces is also good. This makes me think about how I want to concretize my writing process. I really don't like writing something and then dropping it because I found that I either have nowhere to go or because it kinda feels pointless.

How does one plot a story? Because if I had a finished scheme to follow, I would always make progress. I haven't written one of those before. But I think that would be the way forward for me.
>>339888
>Make that nonsense story/scene as exciting as you can.
I don't think I can. It's hard for me to be spontaneously funny like that, idk, maybe it's just some insecurity that hinders me.
If I imagine myself following that advice, I see myself ending up describing the scenery and the characters of the scene in a serious manner and then either turning up the violence, lewdness, or quirky memes. Others on this site do this well and can make it feel fresh. I just kinda hate it when I do it. Also, I kinda feel like sex and edginess is a sign of a story with low substance but I understand that it's about the context in which you put these subject matters that matter, though.
Anonymous
9f5a4f9
?
No.339897
339902
>>339884
Writing is a grueling process, but the best answer is to continuously write and re-write.
Another helpful practice is reading. Read the works of other artists to expand your understanding of literary devices and even your vocabulary.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.339898
339902
>>339895
Literally, a scene with a protag doing the laundry could be expounded into a critique on the fundamental experience/existence of man, and made into a compelling dissertation.
But.
The likelyhood of setting out to write a protag-doing-laundry scene and elegantly transitioning from that into a critique on the fundamental experience/existence of man such that that's what the story is known for is... highly probable, keep at it.
Seriously, do keep at it, but dont kid yourself about it; a great story isnt happenstance or accidental. It takes practice and determination. At least, that seems to be how it goes.
Anonymous
645653f
?
No.339900
339902 345039
DcuhxqVXcAIBt_W.jpg
>>339895
>How does one plot a story? Because if I had a finished scheme to follow
>scheme
Do...do you mean like, a timeline of events and/or plotpoints or something? I mean, I...I don't pretend to know jackshit about this; everyone here already knows am full of shit. But I...I dunno honestly.

Too long of a shot...
Anonymous
97ba3f8
?
No.339902
339966
sunset-shimmer-twilight-sparkle-my-little-pony-sunny.jpg
>>339897
I'm grateful for the advice but I don't really like rewriting. It has worked out in the past but only if I feel enthusiastic enough about the text to rewrite it.
So I need to have something that I like to begin with. That's what I struggle to get.
>>339898
I been think about what you say here and the one I replied to above in this post said. It ties into the concept of that dicotomy of either you're a pantser (discovery writing) or plotter (arcitech writing) or whatever (or something in between) that I have seen been talked about before. I'm not sure if this makes sense or not but I do think that I'd like to plot a story before I write it for a change because I'm tired of feeling like I'm just writing random and pointless nonesense while finding my way out of a maze. Sometimes I manage to escape the maze and those times are the stories which I'm proud of.
>>339900
>Do...do you mean like, a timeline of events and/or plotpoints or something?
Yes. I searched for it on the internet, a go-to method I've gotten more into recently, and this is what I found, https://writersedit.com/fiction-writing/ultimate-guide-how-to-write-a-series/
>everyone here already knows am full of shit.
Well, you'll be surprised to learn then that I don't think you're full of shit. Just because your story has serious formatting issues doesn't mean that your ideas need to be bad. I do obviously keep in mind who said what but I also like to examine ideas in isolation from whose idea it is.
>Too long of a shot...
Wha.......? What... is it... that you're... trying to... communicate?
Anonymous
645653f
?
No.339966
339992
1572512466206.png
>>339902
I don't know why i didn't suggested you this, given that you are actually pretty good at executing a story. I guess it's because I wasn't aware of the dichotomy you mentioned.
Anyways, I genuinely think this might turn out pretty well for you, keep at it Svenstein!
>I don't think you're full of shit. Just because your story has serious formatting issues doesn't mean that your ideas need to be bad.
Oh, okay. It's just pretty easy for me to sound like an arrogant dick.
>Wha.......? What... is it... that you're... trying to... communicate?
Nevermind, it's not important.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.339988
339992 340005
Unrelated to Carlos' story, I found this video both compelling and insightful
https://youtu.be/whPnobbck9s
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.339989
340005
>George Orwell is one of the most celebrated writers of the twentieth century. Most loved and remembered for his fiction, he also produced an expansive array of essays, including "Politics and the English Language", which contains his advice regarding clarity in writing and speaking.

>Today's political and academic landscape is often accused of being rife with rambling unclarity, and this was something Orwell also perceived and lamented in his own time, making much of his advice on how to avoid this still relevant today.
Anonymous
be50d13
?
No.339992
339995 340005
>>339966
>given that you are pretty good at executing a story.
Thanks. I'm a bit curious what gave you that impression? Was it my latest "story" (even if it was more like an action scene without context)? In such a case, I'm glad you liked it. I'm pretty proud of it myself. When I wrote it, I thought about the list of advice on clear and impactful writing that I'd taken in lately (I might post them later). It's funny that Anon here: >>339988 mentioned clarity because that's a lot of what was trying to accomplish with my writing here.
>When it comes to how to write plots
I have been thinking about starting by summarizing the story into one sentence and from there kinda unpack it (Or develop it further).
Anonymous
be50d13
?
No.339994
Cool Story.png
I just found pic in the old thread. I didn't read it thoroughly enough to realize the punchline at the end. Pretty cool Anon who wrote this, if you're still here: Good job.
Though, I don't get the point with the name of the creature.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.339995
>>339992
>summarizing the story into one sentence and from there kinda unpack it
Cant support this idea enough. Consider it a mission/thesis statement. Doing so also helps to drive home the essential elements of the story while also emphasizing that anything NOT part of that sentence is optional or outright unnecessary.
Anonymous
645653f
?
No.340005
340017
1E7384336DB2819FB5C4CBC1E607462C-248240.png
>>339992
>I'm a bit curious what gave you that impression? Was it my latest "story" (even if it was more like an action scene without context)?
Your latest job is one such example, but i think you've had the touch since that earlier Revengeful-Shim greentext of the previous bread. which is kind of the greentext that got me started on Rainmetall. Yeah, you can either feel pride or cringe now

>>339988
>>339989
Ironic, given the fact I only started trying to learn english because the political discourse 'round here is 90% non-sense, and the rest good old mexican banter.
Anonymous
be50d13
?
No.340017
340106
Sunset sucha Rebel.jfif
>>340005
Well, then I feel proud.
I think Rainmetall is cool in concept, the formatting problems were the real problems. I have so far, then again, I haven't actually read your whole story, no problems with the plot of your story. It's good.
I wrote that piece because, while I never picked out an official best pony, I have obsessed over Sunset the most. Read endless series of fanfics on her and thought about writing stories about her myself. I especially like to think about the possibility of her and Cadance studying under Celestia at the same time. I can't help but wonder what kind of relationship the pair could have had.
Ooh, I just noticed that pic of a pillow-throwing Sunset is what I had attached in with that story.
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.340062
340063
Is he right? Is this what makes the women in Arcane so well-written, or is he just talking out of his ass?
https://youtu.be/hML-FGHGEN4
Anonymous
7ceeeeb
?
No.340063
340094
>>340062
https://www.wcofun.com/anime/arcane
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.340094
340130
>>340063
Thanks bro I was using KissAnime and a Kickass Torrents proxy to watch Arcane
I am NEVER giving netflix money
Anonymous
ae393b2
?
No.340106
sunset_shimmer___my_past_is_not_today_by_shinta_girl_d8o4j80-fullview.jpg
>>340017
>Well, then I feel proud.
>I think Rainmetall is cool in concept
Thanks, glad you feel that way.
>I haven't actually read your whole story
Don't worry, I struggle to fully read a fic unless am absolutely engaged with it.

>I wrote that piece because, while I never picked out an official best pony, I have obsessed over Sunset the most.
It was easy to figure that one out, waifu or not.
>I especially like to think about the possibility of her and Cadance studying under Celestia at the same time.
I remember you suggested the prompt before. It's a pretty neat idea. You can tell that's why Cadence is on Rainmetall

>I just noticed that pic of a pillow-throwing Sunset is what I had attached in with that story
Exactly.
Just keep workin' on it!
Anonymous
4f63717
?
No.340130
>>340094
No Problem.
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.341000
341025 341049
Do you think Fallout Equestria: Lionheart tries too hard to be adult in an inauthentic way?
At the time making the hero a male prostitute seemed like a good metaphor for how society fucks him.
But the hook with Twilight dragged people into an exciting chase with a character they already care for: Twilight Sparkle.
The audience has less reason than usual to care about OCs because this is not a new piece of media they suspended their disbelief for, this is fanfiction and they come into it with expectations they feel entitled to have fulfilled. Making the main heroine a literal clone of Twilight wasn't enough, I should have written an elderly Twilight on her deathbed sending a message through time to her past self to warn her of the future and get a young idealistic hopeful Twilight Sparkle who did nothing wrong to try and clean up every last mistake in Fallout Equestria.
Or divorced it entirely from FE and FIM so a story about humans being oppressed by libtards doesnt have to tie into nuclear pony retardity.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.341025
341049 341053
received_330875912223964.jpeg
>>341000
Legit criticism. It isnt that FoE:l tries too hard [...] its that all of your writing does. For instance, you simply cannot do 'subtlety' and yet you write as though you dont expect the reader to get that you were trying to be subtle.
For example, the method you use to apply 'flaws' to characters is basic. You dont include flaws because you want the character(s) to grow/develop, you include them because you have read/been-told that the characters are supposed to have flaws to overcome over the course of the story, but complicated flaws and development are really hard to write, so your mom lol. There is the faintest starlight glimmer of recognition of what MIGHT be a better storyline, but at the climax of execution you regularly resort to cheap tropes and out-of-context and/or irrelevant (read: lazy) memes and jokes that convey a subtle message of "I cant be arsed, because you're simply not worth the effort to do a better job".
Thats how your writing comes across.
And before you ask, no I DONT care to figure out what would be 'better', thats like asking what sound would be better than nails on a chalkboard; 'please god anything but more of that' is the general sentiment, though Im speaking purely from my experience.
Anonymous
fedd971
?
No.341049
341053 341147
>>341000
I agree with most of what he [ >>341025 ] says, I'm only hesitant on some stuff.
I'd say you're making the same flaw as Disney made for the Star Wars sequels: Focusing on fan service.
Yes, bronies like already established characters from fim but it's not like there is no market for ocs in the community. On another note but with a thin connection, you want to use Twilight to bait bronies into reading your story. This is the impression I get, anyway. There are two problems with this: You assume that after you hooked the bronies into your story, they will obviously like the none-Twilight parts of your story. The second thing, which is admittedly kinda cute, is that you think that Twilight just being in a story is enough for the bronies to read it. While people have faves and are more likely to read a story with them included, it's still only half the puzzle. The second part is to have something to combine the character with, like a premise.

I got an epiphany about my own issues today and it fits kinda with what your problem is. I'd advise focusing less on the appeal of your stories and more on not having flaws in whatever you write. So
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.341053
341074 341147
>>341049
Not only was Twilight in the story at first, she was running from rapists. For the sake of those with no idea who raiders are they announced "we are going to rape you" but I think I spelled that out too much for those who already know. I could have written her thinking "those sons of bitches got fluttershy" but that would turn away fluttershy fans. Anyway it was a great hook right until an overpowered guy showed up as a joke and they talked too much and I mocked Fallouts gameplay contrivances turned up to 11 in FE one too many times. I think that part ruined the hook. Suddenly Twilight was just a character in a book inside the book and that is too meta. Suddenly the story focuses on the writer of the book and how society fucks him but people just wanted to see Twilight find a healing potion for her horn and magically obliterate all rapists on her way to the designated chosen one destination.
>>341025
Having a low charisma character in Fallout is good for the meta because it means more points for more useful stats. I wasn't sure how else to show his poor social skills but saying your mom to a grieving man and making "i have to take a shit, bye" his idea of sweet talking his way out of a situation seemed like a good way to display that.
Anonymous
9f5a4f9
?
No.341074
341084
275353082_1563789900689000_5340635610055340145_n.png
>>341053
>meta
I kind of dislike presence of meta terminology in fiction, even that based on video games. It's often immersion-breaking, and hardly has any real significance that couldn't be better described through other literary devices, especially those numbers and power scaling terms aren't put in context. Even when they do have context, the reader of a work of fiction will hardly appreciate that raw stats of a story based on a game nearly as much as they'd appreciate vivid imagery that illustrates what happened without referring to stats.
>"His power level... It-It's OVER 9000!"
-doesn't always have the same dramatic effect.
I noticed that asian (japanese, chinese, korean) lite novels tend to do this a lot, especially crap mmo Isekais type ones. Instead of saying how high his charisma stat actually is, you should express his low charisma through his habits and mannerisms. Same goes for strong characters, as you should describe them physically or have them do feats of strength in both casual and dramatic circumstances.
Of course, creating a character with low charisma in reference to typical fallout characters might be appreciated by fallout players, but even if they have low charisma you should consider the impact on their behavior on the audience's perception of them if you want the readers to like the character. If you make them randomly edgy/dickish with little context, what could have been an endearing flaw could instead make your audience dislike a generic edgelord character.
A good way of expressing character's with low charisma would be to add some dramatic irony to the situation, usually by giving the reader direct insight into what the character is trying to communicate, through narration or internal monologue, and juxtaposing it with some graphic dialogue of the character spilling spagetti and failing to get the point across, preferably with some imagery of the character's tone of voice and visual's of either party's confused/offended expression, perhaps followed by some internal monologue or subtle narration of the low-Cha party mentally kicking themselves as they screw up. It has the opportunity to be comedic, relatable and cute, and decent for character development as characters are best developed through vivid description of their habits and mannerisms.
I've noticed teen novels like the Percy Jackson series tend to do this. Not saying those books are the best, but they do a decent job of illustrating autistic, ADD teenagers, which are an example of characters that I would consider "low charisma".

Pic unrelated, but I felt like posting anyway.
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.341084
341086
rabbet.png
>>341074
Spaghetti sperging up social situations sounds excellent! I'll have my character do that.
I was avoiding that specifically because I was afraid of ripping off too much from Legosi from Beastars, he had a lot of scenes where he deepthroated his own feet. Not in the gay furry porn way but you know what I mean. Scenes where he fucked up social interaction felt endearing. But he didn't copyright those, other male characters can be awkward like him. I should stop trying to change my work based on fears that it would be too much like one thing and not enough like another.
Anonymous
9f5a4f9
?
No.341086
341145 341160
>>341084
>I was avoiding that specifically because I was afraid of ripping off too much from Legosi from Beastars
Here's a tip for every form of writing: it's always been done before, and it will never be original. Legosi is far from the first spaghetti-spilling character. Instead of going out of your way to avoid cliches, focus on improving your descriptions and express your character's behavior in your own way.
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.341145
341146
>>341086
You're right!
I was also thinking... There are a lot of ways in which the enemy fucks whites over, and that takes ages to explain. Sometimes the issue spoke for itself like when some anti-natalist child-murdering creep walked over to the hero in a shirt proclaiming her love for abortion and talked at him about it. And sometimes I just paused the story to talk about an issue I wasn't sure how to fit into the story. I didn't even get to the part where Sparky goes on a date with "one of the good and less insane" liberal women and starts talking about his tragic backstory, only for her to become an overemotional unstable retard upon encountering evidence that her liberal policies hurt lives, because she was actually insane all along and there are no good ones and it was always about her feelings, never about really hurting people. I think my story might have had more political talk than story content. What even happened over the course of the chapters in the story, besides the guy going through an average day thinking about how much his life sucks? Maybe I should narrow my focus and pick one important issue rather than trying to tackle all of them.

I want the reader to root for the heroes and want the bad guys gone, but I got a few of my friends together and they got a few of their friends together, the whole group read this together a while ago and their reactions started out emotional before inching closer to "ALRIGHT, I GET IT!" each time something happened that felt repetitive like a scene where the villains did or said something bad. I mean, the villains literally gun down carnivore men, women, and children for attending the funeral for the oldest carnivore child. The left treats this funeral for a child they wanted unpersoned like they treat all unapproved protests they hate enough, only the left show up with drone strikes and bullets because that makes the process easier for the audience to understand. It seemed neater than having the hero walk past someone whose credit card suddenly doesn't work because he donated to the wrong political cause. Anyway at this point, my group of readers really wanted the hero to hulk out and start killing the enemy, saving lives, but that didn't happen. That seemed unsatisfying and I'm not sure how to get all my readers to hold on to that feeling until the hero finally starts striking blows against the enemy that matter, not when some get bored if there isn't an immediate gratifying moment of violent fantasy.

Maybe instead of showing up early to give the hero a business card before a day full of sadness, I should have covered that day in a montage. And then Twilight 2: Literally-Electric Boogaloo-Enthusiast should have blown something up while chased by murderous thugs, dragged him into a life or death chase/fight, and forced him into action. How many beloved movies start with the hero being forced into action, or better yet, forced into making a "Do the right thing or be a bystander faggot" decision that permanently robs him of the choice to go back to normal? Maybe that's the kind of breakneck pacing a novel needs if it's to get views and change minds.
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.341146
>>341145
>and her "liberalism" was always about her feelings, never about really helping people
fixed
Anonymous
8800eb7
?
No.341147
341158 341161
>>341053
I don't care for your reply.
>Not only was Twilight in the story at first, she was running from rapists. For the sake of those with no idea who raiders are they announced "we are going to rape you" but I think I spelled that out too much for those who already know. I could have written her thinking "those sons of bitches got fluttershy" but that would turn away fluttershy fans. Anyway it was a great hook right until an overpowered guy showed up as a joke and they talked too much and I mocked Fallouts gameplay contrivances turned up to 11 in FE one too many times. I think that part ruined the hook. Suddenly Twilight was just a character in a book inside the book and that is too meta. Suddenly the story focuses on the writer of the book and how society fucks him but people just wanted to see Twilight find a healing potion for her horn and magically obliterate all rapists on her way to the designated chosen one destination.
This is not a reply to my >>341049 They have the vaguest connection between them being Twilight and hooks but they are clearly not about the same thing. You essentially changed the topicOr at least, it's non-sequitur., which is also known as gaslighting. What I don't understand is why? I'm not harsh nor I'm I humiliating you; why would you deflect my criticism? Did you do it intentionally, or what?

Regardless, this is what I meant back in the last thread about reflecting. I don't feel like we're having a conversation, more like I'm saying something outside of your impenetrable head and after I'm finished, you continue your monologue of thoughts. Like I'm a traffic light for your thoughts.

Whatever, I suppose you don't want my opinion so you won't receive it.
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.341158
341160 341164
>>341147
I talked about something else I was thinking about because I wasn't sure what to say in response to what you said. I'm not some scheming galaxy brain mastermind out to fuck with you, I'm socially inept.
Anonymous
583658e
?
No.341160
1572656733169.png
>>341086
This is pretty good advice, I've faced the same issue before; and I've found that I'd rather put fun above originality. What good is it for an original concept, if its worse than every cliche? At least that was the case with some of my ideas
>>341158
>>>/ub/5278 →
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.341161
>>341147
Hey, I'm sorry I accidentally made you feel like you weren't being listened to. I know how frustrating that can be. I want to improve as a writer but I really have no idea what I'm doing when I write. I have a vague idea of the goal: I want people to understand it's wrong for society to abuse whites, kill kids, choose comfortable lies over uncomfortable truths, and generally be Jewish.

But society's so fucked up, I don't know where to begin. I'm reminded of the scrapped dark version of Zootopia where Nick seemed right to give up on a society comfortable with putting shock collars on the carnivores and Judy seemed irredeemable for being okay with that. Persona 4's "deep themes about reaching out to the truth" only amounted to a few high schoolers admitting they dislike X about themselves and their lives before either putting more effort into putting up with their sadness, realizing their life was actually great all along, or rarely, changing their personal lives for the better through effort. P5 abandoned that to pretend to be about society, only really saying "rape and theft and murder is bad". Wow, what a controversial thing for this megacorporate product to say about the society that purchased it and called it a masterpiece.

I don't think I have it in me to write a masterpiece. But I think I should try anyway.
Anonymous
8800eb7
?
No.341164
341203
>>341158
Okay, I guess. it just seems weird sense my post was that focusing on fanservice by adding Twilight into your story to lure in readers is a bad idea and your post is how your story focused less on Twilight. Like it partially follows but it also doesn't. I assume your saying that I'm wrong because Twilight actually wasn't enough in your story to charm bronies and that, rather my point that Twilight's inclusion doesn't guarantee reader engagement, is what failed to bring positive reception or whatever you felt you didn't get.

Whatever, I'm not mad. That you argue against me isn't the problem, because I can be wrong, but when you just start a monologue about something tangential, it seems pointless to even bother giving feedback in the first place.

In this case, due to your meandering writing style I didn't get what you were trying to say but now when I read more into your post it makes sense as a reply to mine, it just lacks directness. Phrases like, "I disagree. You're wrong and here's why..." would make the post more coherent.

Whatever, I've already forgotten about this but I think I'll hold off giving any more feedback to you. There are probably others here that can but I feel like we'll continue to step on each other's toes like this.
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.341203
>>341164
Wait, were you saying it was wrong to use Twilight as a hook? I thought the problem was that I used her as a hook incorrectly.
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.341242
341243
The group of readers complained that my story was too consistently dark and miserable for too many scenes in a row. How could I have included scenes of happiness and hope without ruining the focus on how evil the enemy is?
Anonymous
7bde406
?
No.341243
341479
>>341242
>How could I have included scenes of happiness and hope without ruining the focus on how evil the enemy is?
I've not read your story or know anything how it goes, so this is just a generic idea from a Dune book I read (House Harkonnen) and perhaps not possible to adapt to your story. But one way to break up a story is to tell two at the same time. Switching between stories from chapter to chapter. I am no writer so not sure how to do it in a good way and how to intermingle them in the end.
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.341479
341550
>>341243
Thanks bro, that could work.
Looking back I think tying all that political content to one location was a mistake. Too many political issues were shoved into a small space giving none room to breathe. And giving talking animals a society puts a layer of abstraction over societal commentary I wasn't sure how to handle.
Maybe if the heroes originated from a christian Vault the audience should root for, left it willingly to search for a McGuffin to save it, explored the shit world outside that had lost its way, taught the wasteland ponies the meaning of goodness, killed a ton of villains without ever seeming like Littlepip-tier bloodthirsty murderhobo gamers, and solved all the problems of a new town each week before moving on to the next? Eventually the heroes could find the McGuffin in a bunker full of jew griffons who caused the apocalypse and all the problems the heroes encountered on the way there, and kill the griffons to get the McGuffin and go home heroes.
Anonymous
d729743
?
No.341537
341550 341561
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ypOUn6rThM&ab_channel=GameMaker%27sToolkit
Have been thinking about stuff like this for a while now. Gonna try to make writing fun again for myself.
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.341550
341561 341591
>>341537
That sounds good! I am sure your writing will be excellent.
>>341479
What if the protagonist was a scrappy small self-loathing underdog immediately gifted two companions also from his vault, a hot mare love interest and gigachad, who did most of the combat for him with their sniper rifle and assault rifle respectively while he hated himself for barely being able to help at all in combat?

Then my story can appeal to those who want to see extremely attractive superheroes crushing evil, and scared brave self-loathing underdogs heroically struggling against it. The underdog nature of the hero can be preserved for as long as possible because he will be carried by his superior teammates built for two main pillars of Fallout, Speech and Combat respectively. Setting and lore is the third pillar, making the hero a historian researcher type represents that pillar and lets me justify loredumping about why this postwar settlement and that prewar town went to shit upon being pozzed. Choice is the fourth pillar and the hero represents that too because he makes choices for the party for some reason. Not sure why they wouldn't just put gigachad in charge. Perhaps scared heroboy's genes unlock doors important to the plot, and ammo caches meant for prewar soldiers. Maybe gigachad needs to learn niceness lessons from heroboy.

FE had a fake underdog protagonist gifted everything OP she could ever need and more, so she barely even noticed the contributions of her friends or getting or losing her alicorn-slaying minigun-toting suit of armour with less personality than the average killer robot. Fuck that character, he could have been a loyal soldier trust-the-plan type in love with the BOS until he is forced to confront the fact that it is no longer Applejack's BOS and hasn't been for over 60 years and serving the beast won't reform it. It's symbolic. But I want to recapture the feeling of being LOST in a big and deadly post apocalyptic hell world, lost and terrified at the enormity of it all, thinking back on yesterday's adventure and wondering if you did the right thing. LP murderhoboing felt routine, like she had beeb playing this game for thousands of hours. These heroes need to earn their happy ending, not have it handed to them after LP exploits Spike's fire breath to glitch herself into a cutscene trigger that bugs out the weather controller and rolls the end credits even though the six Elements Of Harmony haven't even been gathered yet.
Anonymous
9e8bcfd
?
No.341561
341573 341591
1572734558071.jpg
>>341537
Pretty interesting, thanks for sharing.
>>341550
Actually, it sounds like a pretty good character dynamic.
Just don't make another Takemichi, seriously; It's a pretty good example on how not to do it, imo.
>and lets me justify loredumping about why this postwar settlement and that prewar town went to shit upon being pozzed
You should try to avoid exposition in general. Find a way in which you can present the information in a smooth, organic way instead.
You don't have to bring everything up either; you can stick to the essential bits.
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.341573
341574 341575 341591
>>341561
That sounds good.
Do you think finding the diary of a villain/dead guy or some other random document is a good way to implement exposition dumps? I think it worked well in Yugioh when the heroes found Pegasus's diary explaining why he did what he did after it was over.
I'll watch Tokyo Revengers soon so I'll know who that is. With my character I was thinking I REALLY don't want to just write another Deku. His big moment that impressed All Might was, when all the pro heroes were standing around saying "Let's wait around for some superhero with the perfect power for this situation to help", running in like an idiot without any idea how to help. Sheer dumb luck bailed him out. The situation would have been far worse had he not been bailed out at the last second, and he would have amounted to nothing but a self-loathing suicidal sad sack if he hadn't been gifted the best power and set on a journey to gradually minimize its sole downside: the recoil damage. Sometimes I wonder how the show would have turned out if Izuku had been a gadget-using powerless type of hero, or maybe someone with a laughed-at seemingly-shit quirk. His suit's rabbit themed for no apparent reason, and making him a full-on rabbit guy would be unusual. But if he had to get All For One, I would have written Izuku to notice the slime villain recoiling from a burning chunk of wood, before yelling for the superheroes to exploit the fire weakness, only for them to not listen because "He's just some quirkless civilian, what does he know? We can't take that risk because he might be wrong!". He would be struck with that, right in his soul, setting up an inner conflict arc for later. But in the moment he decides even if nobody wants him to be a hero, he wants to be one and that's enough. He runs into danger, grabbing a long burning chunk of wood and plunging it right into the slime blob, making him scream and drop Bakugo, inspiring other heroes to also exploit the fire weakness, saving the day as an observant human doing what's risky because it's right. If the baddie can't be weak to fire because of bakugo's explosive attacks then it should be water from a burst water main/firetruck or some other element, maybe Izuku could grab an electric power cable and jam it in even though it nonlethally hurts all three of them and hurts the slimeblob the most. All Might enters the scene in time to swoop in only to find the problem solved, impressed at how Izuku actually helped. I'd sell Izuku as the smart observant hero first and foremost, not another generic tryhard shonen guy who keeps trying hard because deep down he knows his unfair advantages and determination are literally all it takes. Every single one of his fights should be solved with a smart trick and attempting to All For One punch the foe harder than last time should only ever screw him over for relying on the passed-down ancient old-news superpower that represents old shonens and an ancient way of thinking. Maybe there could be moments where he talks a villain down instead of using violence or realizes one's doing something right for a change and helps him out on the condition that he turn himself in when the adventure's over, making him an unconventional hero. Instead of being gifted All For One and then given training I'd make that a surprise gift at the end of a training sequence All Might intentionally set up to seem impossible and fruitless to test his determination. And instead of playing his crybaby nature for laughs only to immediately get over all his flaws during a fight and go back to crying waterfalls when it doesn't matter, I'd make his "hilarious personality quirk" of being used to life as a crybaby pushover into actual flaws to overcome. Too defensive and evasive, too unsure of himself, has to push himself to be aggressive and take risks and not let opportunities pass him by, has to learn how to make opportunities too.
Anonymous
c78b4d9
?
No.341574
>>341573
Don't dump exposition. That's the rule of thumb.
Anonymous
c78b4d9
?
No.341575
341592
>>341573
Information is a vital key and means of transport and also the looking glass into the hearts of characters.
Truth is rarely so completely isolated from everything else to only exist for itself, which granted it does do anyway, the information can be multilayered, connected inside and outside, spanning through time and space, hearts and minds.
>why he did what he did after it was over.
At that point the story is winding down, loose ends are being tied up.
The story has been told. It's over.
Certain people want to read certain things through a story. Walls of text disconnected with only surface level stuff sucks ass. Few are able to pull it off successfully.
By the point in time everything else is captivating, sometimes it has to be said and the question is when, where, why and how. Any error leads to disengagement, even the right place can be jarring.
Comedy Ab
Anonymous
c78b4d9
?
No.341581
Comedy Ab

A sharp man near angular in form arives at docking bay five of the new rocket ship yet to launch.
The foremen nears about to yell at the well dressed man till he catches sight.
The angular man grins a boyish charm "I so love boxes, and you?"
"Prefer the stars."
"But alas business first."
"Yeah, I haven't seen any of the bastards try crawling in yet, doesn't mean they haven't."
Nodding in agreement "doesn't mean they haven't. Wish they were different."
Conversation becomes whispered.
The clacking taps of boots on metal hide the scratching of movement below.
The fifth of his name had entered this gap through the emergency control in waste. A cut here and there and he is in.
The words spoken to him earlier that month still echo in his mind. About these creatures.
"Refusing us will be met with tragedy."
Skittering away quiet as can be. The cutting implement near silent does the job above and below according to the wielder.
It's already been more than a week in the largest craft the wild peoples made. Larger than even the ones selected. More quickly built as well.
Frustratingly even more robust. The cry near silent as the common man's tool unused.
"Yet. Yet!"
Harder to move and think, breathing more odd.
Next a bright white room with an angular man.
"Well eleventh time should do it. You've already admitted to everything and everyone has once again more proof of your evils. You have an hour to say anything more, for longer."
A paper slides showing confidential information.
"Time. I need time to recall."
All the man does is slide finger paints.
A digital clock.
A cardboard cutout of the man. Those kind foolish two eyes and a smile.
Then he leaves.
Anonymous
96b2768
?
No.341591
>>341550
>>341561
Thanks.

>>341573
Well, you can't say that my OP was unfair, can you? So if you put an anime rant behind spoilers, then it fits in the thread?
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.341592
341608
>>341575
You're right. Instead of saving the explanations for after the story is over they should factor into the story as it is being told, while the villain is still around to argue for what he's doing and the heroes are around to say "There must be a better way to x" or "She wouldn't want this" or whatever.
Anonymous
c78b4d9
?
No.341608
>>341592
No. Some stuff doesn't need to be said in the middle or beginning of the story.
>At that point the story is winding down, loose ends are being tied up.
Does the information tie up loose ends? If so when is it most appropriate?
>The story has been told. It's over.
Which means the cooling and winding down period. Because leaving the reader/audience hanging is usually a dick move.
Put the stuff in the most meaningful spot. It's highly contextual.
Anonymous
3ce887f
?
No.341982
>Be Anonymous.
"...I gave you a red deck because it has the simplest battle plan: Direct damage and attack. However, I want you to test the other colors so that can see which you have the most fun with and... Uhh, are you listening, Twilight?"
>Purple eyes travel in a line before they jump a peg down and repeat the process like a typewriter.
>The lavender unicorn levitates a deck's worth of cards and reads the text-box of one before she discards it to read another.
"Twilight? You listenin'?" you ask again.
>"Hm-mm." she says but she doesn't look your way.
>You feel a small ache in your cheeks as your smile stretches your face.
>You walk around, behind her, and read the card she's reading.
>The card's picture is almost literally ginger Shrek, running through a prairie.
>You place your pointer finger so it underlines a word written in bold on the card.
>It reads, 'Haste'.
"This means the creature can attack, on the same turn it was summoned."
>Twilight turns her head up towards you. "Don't they all?"
"No, there's a mechanic called, 'Summoning sickness' that means that creatures have to skip taking any action the turn that they were summoned on."
>There's a pause and then she speaks again.
>"Hm, so this is so you can attack before your opponent can prepare for your creature?"
>Your eyes get so lewdly slanted, they can be blinded by a string of dental floss.
"I guess they don't call you, Purplesmart "—You pop the 'P'."— for nothing."
>She shuts her eyes and smiles brightly at your compliment.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.342039
>>338679
Frenly reminder
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.342669
342761
If my work comes across as a one-sided rant rather than a genuine story, how do I fix that?
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.342761
342778
hqdefault.jpg
>>342669
You want to know what your problem is? Your problem is that you are constantly shitting out these huge texts that have many, many things wrong with them, to the point where there are few people with the patience to actually sit and read all of it, let alone analyze it and tell you where all the thousands of problems are. Then, you ask these really broad questions that are impossible to answer, and would probably net you very little practical advice even if anyone could answer and wanted to. You don't even listen to the advice you're given anyway; you literally just keep producing the same kinds of turds over and over, and asking the same stupid general questions about how you should go about polishing them.

>If my work comes across as a one-sided rant rather than a genuine story, how do I fix that?
How does one even respond to a question like this? Step one would probably be learning how to actually tell a genuine story, and then step two would be doing that instead of shitting out the kind of absolute garbage you usually write. Is that helpful advice? I'm assuming no, but there's not really any other answer to give you.

Someone at your skill level should not be attempting stories of the scale and complexity that you're attempting for the same reason that someone who can't draw shouldn't be attempting something on the scale of the Sistine Chapel ceiling. A novice artist should be learning basic things like anatomy and proportions, and testing out what they've learned in simple projects where it's possible to focus on one small thing at a time, and ask for focused feedback on the specific things being worked on. Likewise, you should be attempting short, simple pieces that focus on basic scenes involving one or two characters at a time, and that aren't trying to make some massively complex social or political statement. Try greentexting something short and simple, where it's actually possible for someone to give focused criticism and specific advice.

Here's something else to consider. In programming, there's a term called GIGO (Garbage In, Garbage Out). What it basically means is that regardless of the quality of an algorithm, bad input will generally produce bad output. In the same vein, if you want to produce higher quality writing, you may want to consider actually exposing yourself to some. Whenever you bring up something that inspired you or that you want to imitate, it's always some video game or some Shonen Jump anime or some cartoon written for ten year olds. Maybe it's a little hypocritical to be bringing this up on a site that is literally dedicated to a cartoon written for ten year olds, but you'll notice that most people here are also capable of discussing other things. MLP itself is not just influenced by other children's cartoons; Lauren Faust clearly had an extensive working knowledge of Western mythology and literature to draw from.

You want to learn how to write effective social and political commentary? Maybe try picking up Aldous Huxley or George Orwell or Michel Houellebecq and study how someone actually talented approaches the problems you're running into. People around here might take you a little more seriously if you could prove that you're capable of reading and understanding something that was actually written for an adult audience.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.342778
>>342761
10/10, theres so much to this post that Im not gonna
Anonymous
87ba7a1
?
No.344242
344291 344366
where_are_we__coconut_cream__by_foreverbunkey123_dbtjn88-fullview.jpg
>>338679
Y-you okay fren?...
Anonymous
7296b9b
?
No.344291
>>344242
Yes, thank you.
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.344296
Characters with opinions make good stories, but opinions with characters make bad characters.

When I started writing Silver vs Glimmer as a way to flesh out their characters and beliefs it devolved into incoherence.

I thought trying to establish her as someone who genuinely thought she was doing the right thing at the time would make me hate her less, but my hatred for communism kept me from writing her as a character who could grow from being wrong. And Silver's conduct reflected poorly on himself and not-communism. The hero of political fables should be flawless once they learn the truth, any failings on the hero's part confuses the message. The communist goal is to gain the power to pretend you are a God, no matter the cost. The highest form of non victim in a mindset that fetishizes victimhood, the most protected all-powerful oppressive thing someone could possibly be: a mad tinpot dictator who thinks himself a God worthy of statues larger than churches. So if he's punishing her for her sins like some kind of deity after what amounted to a fistfight over politics, the allegory has failed. The goodie defeats the baddie because he has more power... that is a gay way to write. Even the stories that amount to that try to seem like more than that. They equate power with worthiness and purity or tie the weak underdog hero gaining power to defying fate.

If you see the villain punished at the end of the movie you walk away satisfied that the evil was defeated, that's why Zootopia didn't just stop with Bellweather, it focused on the racism within Judy that caused her to denounce all carnivores and laugh off Nick's disgust with her (at first). The hero didn't just magically defeat society's racism by trying hard enough, she found ways to compensate for her real deficiencies(jumping off ropes to hit harder), found good only she could do (saving rats), proved herself to those who thought little of her, and overcame the racism within herself. Whether you agree with the movie's take on racism or not, it handled the idea better than I handled "fuck communism" in that chapter. And while speciesism is at the core of Zootopia, the topic of politics and communism and some OC in a show full of them has nothing to do with the story of Twilight and Pinkie and Rainbow Dash and how they bring out the best in their first love.

I just shoved politics into my love story because I thought this, along with hoverboards and a hunt for magic macguffins, would make my story better. And that was gay.
Anonymous
d7265d0
?
No.344299
344367 344372
I just found this thread
It's been a long time since I write anything, especially for chans.
This is the last thing I wrote, no one interacted with the post so the story didn't go past that and I had nothing special planned for this.

>At the start of last year, on a camping trip, I got pushed into the endless pit.
>There was no warning, I had seen no signs, but my trekking buddy just went on and dispatched me.
>In retrospect, should have seen that coming.

>Adrenaline rushed through my veins, time slowed down...All that bullshit
> The last thing I saw was that shit-eaters smug as I fell down the pit
>All I felt was rage

>Maybe that's why I ended up where I am
>Maybe this is just my personal hell
>No matter the answer, I seem to be inside some mind-boggling, impossible office space
>All I see is corridors, with more of these fucking fluorescent lights
>More of these fucking yellow walls
>And this damned generic carpet

>What am I supposed to do now?

It's pretty uninspired but well, what do you guys think? Maybe I'll write up something for ya guys, since the internet as a whole seems like a big dumb boring brick lately.
Anonymous
e6364ea
?
No.344366
344372
>>344242
Yes, I feel pretty good. Spend a lot of time thinking nowadays. I really appreciate your concern though.
Anonymous
e6364ea
?
No.344367
344368
>>344299
Was it you who wrote that story about a man who cared too much about what others thought of him so he cut off his legs in his treehouse?

Yes, please do write something but no pressure to either.
Anonymous
5d91ea2
?
No.344368
344834
>>344367
This one?

>Once upon a time there was a man who lived in a treehouse.
>Everyday people passed by his treehouse and called him weird and mocked him for being so old and still living in a treehouse.
>So he took some wood and boarded up all the windows and doors so that nobody could look inside and see him in there.
>But even though they couldnt see him anymore, he still knew they thought he was weird.
>But he grew comfortable not needing to hear what he knew they all thought about him. And decided to never leave his treehouse.
>Eventually he ran out of food in there. But he realized that he would never need to use his arms while in here, which is where he would always be. So he ate them.
>Later when he got hungry again, he thought that hed much rather not have legs than go outside. So he ate those too.
>And when there was nothing else to eat, he felt how hungry he was getting and just how hungry he could get. And that compared to this, he did want to go outside again to get food.
>But the windows and doors were boarded up. And without arms or legs, he couldnt open them to leave.
>So he started yelling for help. Hoping to be heard by all the people that would normally be walking outside his house.
>But since he boarded up his windows and doors, people had stopped passing by his house. When they saw that they werent able to get to him anymore that he needed to grow up.
>But he couldn't see outside, and just assumed that they hated him so much like they always did that they didn't want to save him.
>The end.

No, i didn't write it, but i like it too, an anon wrote that story years ago and i saved it cause i liked it.
Anonymous
87ba7a1
?
No.344372
all_svens-itt.jpg
>>344366
That's good to hear. It's been a while, that's all.
>>344299
Will try to read this one later on.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.344375
344381 344382
d5gv0ti-90d8c1af-e56c-404b-bbb2-0a344059ba13.png
Pleasantly reiterating a request for a critical review of this >>338677
Anonymous
d8ae36c
?
No.344381
>>344375
Yeah, I saw it, sorry. I was hoping I could get around to it.
I think I put it off because it looks impenetrable and too complicated but I have nothing to base this one. Will try later.
Anonymous
d8ae36c
?
No.344382
344383 344385
>>344375
>In a/the finished product, I would not utilize an omniscient narrator, thats just lazy writing. Omniscient narrators are only acceptable when describing otherwise uncorrelated things, so that the nuance of how an apparently spontaneous effect is still possible, predictably; with exception, the protagonist is experiencing a stream of stimulus/context and responding sincerely to it.
I prefer to write in omniscient narration and think it's the best style to write in. Why do you dislike it and what does what you wrote mean here?
Anonymous
d8ae36c
?
No.344383
>>344382
I didn't get it.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.344385
344437
>>344382
What I meant by that is that in a completed work I wouldnt have to resort to statements like "many moons had passed since 'this thing'", as there would be indicators of days, weeks, etc. passing. Im utilizing it in this case to supplement the absence of content leading up to the depicted instance.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.344390
344437
To expound on this:
If writing a full story two options immediately present themselves. I could describe a day's worth of uneventful activities, or I could simply state that the next day(s) were uneventful. In a serious work, I would favor the former, as it would allow me to slip in any foreshadowy bits or setup for a later interaction. There's techn9cally nothing wrong with the 'nothing happened for many moons' approach, I just dont care for it as a reader.
Anonymous
b0967cc
?
No.344437
344444
>>344385
>>344390
I guess my writing is in the limited omniscient narration, or whatever it's called. Like, I don't like to summaries events so instead I try to show time progression with cuts and telling events.

For example: I don't say, "Her friends stayed until the evening." I cut the scene and start the next with: "The sun sunk past the horizon. A mountain of foam popped in the sink and plates dripped from the dish rack."
Anonymous
b0967cc
?
No.344444
344445
>>344437
But I usually only do this for flare. I realized that I convoluted my writing. Now, I focus on 90/10 on clarity respectively flare.
Anonymous
9f5a4f9
?
No.344445
>>344444
Checked
Anonymous
5be514e
?
No.344447
344448 344449
Would it be pointless to request a review for a short story intentionally written to be shit?
Anonymous
1f5dff8
?
No.344448
>>344447
Put it a different way.
>Hey. I wrote absolute shit, anyone want to review it?
Doea that sound enticing?
Anonymous
c8a7fda
?
No.344449
344498 344518
>>344447
Huh why would someone review something that even the author admits is shit?
I'm really curious, what are you thinking?
Anonymous
34fb90d
?
No.344498
344518
>>344449
I think he's trying to equate my usage of a draft and review system with "writing intentional shit"; the idea being that since this isnt a 'final draft' that its illegitimate. I'll admit theres a bit of reach on that one tho
Anonymous
da696aa
?
No.344516
344834
I've started to split up my writing practice into the technical parts of writing: Descriptions, pacing, and dialogue. I do this by writing down a movie that I already know from memory. I try to transcribe it into a novel. This way my inner ego doesn't get hung up on the story part of what I'm writing since it's not mine and I can focus on just the technical part of it.

For storytelling, I try to fantasize and simulate scenarios in my head. Maybe jot down some plot points and an overarching timeline.

But I have only just begun doing the first paragraph so far. We'll see.
Anonymous
dd75ff3
?
No.344518
344521
>>344498
I'm not a scheming 4D chess mastermind. I don't equate or suggest, I'm a simple straightforward guy.
>>344449
I just wrote a brief shitpost and was wondering if it would be worth asking for feedback.
On one hand it was written to be shit.
On the other hand maybe advice could help me write better shitposts in the future.

Also writing question for a good story
>be me
>write story where the opening chapter establishes the hero as a child, then a timeskip happens, then we meet him as an adult
>but the canon ponies dont show up until after the timeskip
>which might be at least 3 chapters

Would the average brony read about an OC for that long just to get to text featuring his favourite characters?
Is it worth showhorning filly Twilight into adventures before meeting her friends?
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.344520
This is Nigel
Anonymous
0464b1d
?
No.344521
344526
asd.png
>>344518
>Would the average brony read about an OC for that long just to get to text featuring his favourite characters?
No

Gosh negro 3 fucking chapters for a shitpost?

Dude be thankful someone lifts their ballshack and happens to read a single line of your post, let alone a whole paragraph that's intentionally written like shit.
Anonymous
dd75ff3
?
No.344526
>>344521
What the fuck
Anonymous
e47337a
?
No.344655
344666
I see the source of the confusion now.

https://ponepaste.org/7334
This is my short shitpost. It's shit on purpose.
It even starts with an unattributed quote barely associated with the subsequent story, because that's a gay thing bad writers do.

My other fimfic is in-progress and it starts with 3 chapters of OC focus before Twilight or any other canon characters show up.
I guess I could shoehorn some minor canon characters in there, maybe pander to bronies by including nameless background ponies using the names and headcanoned personalities+backstories invented by assorted brony forums.
Then again that last thing sounds gay.
A random appearance by filly Octavia or filly Twilight Sparkle would definitely work better, right?
Anonymous
923956b
?
No.344666
344686 344808
1359004900482.png
>>344655
With a lit joint in her mouth and skulls cracking under her hooves, Twilight sparkle made her way through the dark cemetery.
"Come back here you son of a bitch" She would exclaim engulfing a poor demon's ass in her devastating purple aura moments before releasing two raging buckleshots up the poor creature's anus.
Demon after demon, would fall as she made her way with a seemingly never-ending lust for guts and gore…

"Isn't this…A bit over the top?"
As if he was violently pulled from a perverted dream, the old, shabby gryphon narrating the story threw a puzzled look at the purple mare sitting in front of him.
"What- What do you mean? i was just getting started-"
The mare shook her head, as the gryphon's face contorted in pure defeat.
"I'm sorry…Charly was it? Look, i know we have been getting low ratings but 'never-ending lust for guts and gore'?" Twilight would gently laugh before leaning on the table, raising an eyebrow "You're joking, right?"
"L-look I'm just- T-the audience" The gryphon stuttered, stumbling on his own tongue as words refused to come out.
Gazing into his tearful eyes, Twilight stood up, pulling a card from her saddlebag.
"Look, Charly, i know you want a more 'mature' reboot and all but this isn't the way, alright?" She levitated the card closer to the gryphon, who held it with both hands like a hopeful kid.
"Give me a call when you get a better idea" Said the purple unicorn, making her way out of the room, leaving the gryphon behind as he slowly turned all of that sadness into pure, uncontrolled rage.

Two broken tables and numerous teacups later, the Gryphon called the number Twilight had left him, with the hopes of convincing her to reassess her decision. To his surprise, the number led to a certain party whom is known to despise the gryphons.
The two parties exchanged a few insults before the Gryphon said too much. In a panic, he ripped the telephone off the line and ran back to his room to prepare his luggage, but by then, it was already too late.

And so no one else ever heard of that gryphon again, and i know it was the truth because i was there, and hit that old geezer with my own hand, almost broke a knuckle! But damn he had good taste in alcohol, we got enough cider to fill a whole pool from his house!
Anonymous
5029e56
?
No.344686
344808 344834
>>344666
I like that. The social commentary about how 'mature' content is somehow less mature than mlp was in this day and age is something I have been thinking of before and this fic captured that for me.
Anonymous
e47337a
?
No.344808
344834 344887
>>344686
>>344666
Nice, I should have focused more on that theme in my shitpost.
The Griffon could get butthurt about nobody liking MlP: Murderous laughing Ponies (another title idea I almost went with)
But then
The ponies could say something mature and optimistic about loss and hope that shocks the cynical Griffon as he sees the wisdom in their words and the value in spreading optimism.

Watching beautiful movies with nature's beauty but no blatant obnoxious environmental message made me think "I wish I lived in a world that beautiful"
And it made me think, does a work have to spell out jew facts to awaken people or is it enough to get viewers to feel "I am glad the smart beautiful elf heroes saved their ethnostate in the trees from the child-eating evil Goblins"?
Can a work be subtle about its politics and hint at the truth to tell the truth better than any extended political rant disguised as a story?
Anonymous
87ba7a1
?
No.344834
344887
fan__limestone_pie_by_mauroz_dam61xh-pre.jpg
>>344368
Not bad, I think something a bit more elaborated with this concept would be pretty nice.
>>344516
>This way my inner ego doesn't get hung up on the story part of what I'm writing since it's not mine and I can focus on just the technical part of it.
That's...painfully relatable.
>>344686
So, am probably not the one to comment on this one. But yeah, people tend to associate edgy teenage violence, over the top actions and overblown reactions with mature content.
Which is a shame. After all, when there is essence, an appropriate display of violence is extremely effective. Not exactly necessary in order to write a master piece. But an author would be limiting himself by refraining, much like with the use of a difficult premise.
>>344808
>Can a work be subtle about its politics and hint at the truth to tell the truth better than any extended political rant disguised as a story?
yes
Anonymous
e1fd41f
?
No.344887
344888 344893
1543957818111-4.jpg
>>344834
>with mature content.
I think people just do that to market it to teenagers and pre-teens (Omilulz I'm so mature watching gore)
When actual mature content is more in the lines of
Movies: You were never really here, The lobster, Gummo
Manga: We did it, Punpun, Himizu

You might notice all of these deal with heavy topics.
Yeah, that's exactly the thing, it deals with complex emotions and stories most of them deal with trauma and sadness, in some of them the main character gives up and dies in others it is capable of overcoming these, in some there is no main character at all.
What they do have in common is the maturity, the light in which things are shed, death is not a sport, emotions are important, small things can have big repercusions in a story and it's characters and emotional maturity and immaturity is easily seen.

It is mature content because you need a certain maturity to consume it or else you might not understand it, find it boring or just get depressed over it without thinking about it's message. You need a certain maturity to understand it.
In the case of gore media, it is the opposite, you just need a certain maturity to watch it to understand that is dark humor and not socially acceptable, so you don't end up fapping to gore like some /b/ fags.

>>344808
If you're gonna write something, don't write something insanely big that just feels like a waste of time in the end.
Think of the "everybody walk the dinosaur" it was funny because it was annoying, because the story feels like a waste of time when you get to the end, yet it has a punchline, so it's not 100% underwhelming.
You end up feeling played, not like you wasted 15 minutes of your life.

>>344808
>"I am glad the smart beautiful elf heroes saved their ethnostate in the trees from the child-eating evil Goblins"?
Your post are fucking unreal my negro.
You manage to be as subtle as a brick to the nape.
Think a bit harder about it and maybe you can come up with something good, you can use this as an example if you want, it's some old story i wrote about aryanne
>https://pastebin.com/ScadiarE
It's not supposed to hit you in the nuts with "DA JOOZ EVIL" if i remember well, i wrote it trying to make your average normie sympathize with aryanne.
I do believe it must be full of grammatical errors and it must be a not so good story since i have improved, but still it's good enough to illustrate my point.
Anonymous
e1fd41f
?
No.344888
344889 344893
paste.png
>>344887
So, i tried to fix an error or two i spotted and
>pic related
Well, fuck me
Here's the greentext version, won't hurt no one to post it here:

>You've been a little filly for far too long
>Every time you try to help twi, she just laughs it off and tells you
"MaYbE WHeN yOu gRow uP"
>Hmph!
>Theres only one way to show 'em just how resourceful you can be
>You have to stop the next big villain before they even have the chance
>Eventually, a new villain does show up
>As always you aren't allowed to help
>This is how you ended up leaning against the door on the throne room, trying to make out words.
>Cant let her ... methods ...extreme
>Tia...less...problem
>White...zebras and....that happens...Now?
>This is getting nowhere
>You sigh and lay on the floor, arms wide to the sides
>How the hell are you supposed to help if you can't even make out what they are saying!
>Fine, you'll find out yourself!

>You asked around town for any malicious folk, all you got was some weird looks, some candy and an apple
>It wasn't so bad but seems like twilight got an ear of your shenanigans, cause now you're off to your room early, basically grounded.
>The nerve on that horse, you're probably older than her
>on the other hand, could be worse, you got the bed all for yourself and
>CRASH
>You jump out of bed, heart making some sick beats
>Something just crash-landed into your room
>And this time it's not rainbow-color and holding a mug of cider
>This pony is white, and wearing a trench coat
>Ow the edge
>She gets up seemingly unharmed by the broken crystal and looks up at you
>"You are anon-i-mouse, ja?"
>Your brain is too busy at the moment
>Who will take on the speaking duty now?
>OVARIES CAN
>Oh no
"You talking to me vanillaface?"
>"No, vith the hore that birthed you"
"Thankfully, till later, vanilla-face"
>"Vait!"
"What do you want, for fucks sake"
>"In vhich room can i find anoneh-mouss?"
"It's 'anonymous' you dumb horse, and you're looking at him"
>Oh
"Oh? What do you mean "Oh"? "
>"You look like a normal filly?"
"No shit!? I thought i looked like a toilet 'Cause im tired of your crap already"
>Aryanne laughs
>"Now, now"
>She pulls out something from under her trench coat
>You're no /k/ommando, but you recognize a pistol when you see one
>Your pupils retract as you instinctively take a step back
>Where the fuck did she even get a pistol from
>"Vhen i heerd of a horrible m...Affe, pony hybrid, i had to take matter on me own hooves, ja?"
"L-look"
>Damn, you're stuttering
>You take a breath and puff out your chest c
>Time to channel your inner ne*ggro
>You stand on two hooves, doing your best sassy black woman that needs nuffin' impression
"Yoo pullin' dat glock on ah, ya' biatch ass ni**a? ya' betta git yo sorry ass outta mah face 'fore ah bash ya' fuckin' hed in, ya feel?" >On a second thought maybe that wasnt such a good idea
>Aryanne inspects her pistol carefully
>"Ms. Anon, i'm not here to mordet you"
>Not anymore
>"I'm here to judge meinself"
"Judge? What do you mean judge?"
>"Let me tell you about the Gryphons..."

>Around 4 cakes later
>"And zat's why chicken cross zee road"
>Wow
"Wow"
>Aryanne nods proudly
>"No matter, think about it, little one, i'll come back tomorrow, we remove alpist, ja?"
>She chuckles and climbs back the hole she made when literally crashing in
>You sit on the bed, silence as your companion
>That talk gave you too much to think about
>Especially because you couldn't understand half the things she said

>Next day
"Twilight, can we talk?"
>"Anon, im really busy, can you wait a few-"
>She sees your serious expression, giving you an awkard smile
>"...I suppose i can spare a few minutes"
>One short walk to the kitchen later
"Twilight, are zig- Are zebras bad?"
>Twilight gives you a confused look
>"Of course not, anon. We've already addressed this back when zecora came into town, zebras look and act different because they come from a different culture. Like any other citizen of equestria, they deserve respect and a fair chance to live within our kind."
"What if they start mixing with the ponies and spreading their culture all over ours, what if they eventually replace us!?"
>You sound a bit more urgent than inteended
>Thankfuly Twilight chuckles at your panic
>"You've been reading equestrian history for once?"
>She gives you a doubtful look and continues
>"Anon, Zecora is only one, im certain we dont have to worry about her replacing us any time soon but if that were ever to be attempted, im sure we could come up with a solution"
>You dont really like that vague answer, but she does has a point.
"What about gryphons?"
>Twilight stares into nothingness for a few seconds, as if she remembered about leaving the stove on back home
>"Everyone deserves a fair chance." she says flatly.
>By the looks of it, she's thinking way more than just that, but doesn't says anything.
>You decide to not push it.

>Around 6 weeding cakes later
>It's sunset, and you're leaning against the balcony in your room.
>You have been thinking a lot about the whole issue
>Every pony is way too naive, they trust others way too much and as that white mare pointed out, this has led to some major catastrophes in Equestrian history.
>The tigerkin massacre, the mothpony invasion, the elephant's foot, rosemary's triangle...
>It just keeps happening because no one is there to do what must be done before it's too late
>But how can you ever agree to join this mare, by doing that you would betray everypony's trust
>You would betray Twilight, even if she was a shit-tier mom and forced you to put the toilet seat up like you put up with her crap
>She was still the closest thing you had for a mother
>You hear a weird sound coming from under the balcony
>You lean-in and see...
>Aryanne, wearing suction cups, climbing her way up
>She reaches the balcony and gives you a warm smile
>"Anon, lieben! Have you thought about it, ja?"
"Just shoot me"
Anonymous
e1fd41f
?
No.344889
>>344888
>Your bluntness wipes the smile off her face
>"vhat?"
>You shut your eyes tight, holding back whatever emotion wanting to overcome you.
"Shoot me, i've got no choice, i cant betray Twilight, i cant betray her friends and everyone else i know, i get it, i'm either an ally or a foe, so get this over with quick, i-i dont want to-."
>Aryanne shushs you with her hoof, her face cold and serious
>"Fräulein, we make sacrifices for our future -"
>You push away her hoof, tears on your eyes, you hide them burying your face on your hooves.
"No, no. I-i dont wanna leave them, i dont want to be your enemy i-i just wanna do the right thing"
>Filly sobs echo through the room
>You feel something press against your head
>Your whole body trembles as you shut your eyes tight, waiting for the blast
>Just a sharp pain and then it will be all over
>The smell of vanilla fills your nostrils, as you feel the thing moving downwards, accompanying your mane
>Wait what
>You raise your head and dry the tears away with your hoof
>Aryanne is petting you wearing a concerned expression
"W-wha?"
>"I should not have put so much pressure on you, mein kleiner"
>Aryanne's calmness and behavior takes you by surprise, you stare at her in confusion.
>She pulls closer, pushing your face against her chest.
>You instinctively comply, leaning against her soft fur. She does smells of vanilla.
>Closing your eyes, you can hear her heartbeat, the soft rhythm in company of her caresses, makes your whole body relax.
>You let out a breath you didn't even realize you were holding, suddenly you feel exposed, vulnerable, but at the same time warm and protected.
>You let the tears escape your eyes, all of those emotions deep inside you escape, and seemingly evaporate as they meet the warmth of your protector
>"Das tut mir leid, i should have explain, you dont have to choose, you already have ze weltanschauung within you"
>Aryanne stops petting you and holds your cheeks, raising your head a bit and looking into your eyes
>"I dont want you to betray, i want you to protect"
>You look away shyly
>"Can i trust you with this, little one?"
>You nod softly, she gives you a smile
>"Wunderbar! ponyville vill be most right on your hooves!"
>She snuggles you a bit and lets go, seemingly happy with the turn of events
>"I'll be leaning now, zehre are places in need to remember their gift-"
"Aryanne"
>You hold onto her hoof, interrupting her
>"Ja?"
"Can you hold me again?"
>She gives you the brightest smile
>"As long as you want"
Anonymous
87ba7a1
?
No.344893
344895
1519789917660.jpg
>>344887
Lol, that's just emo shit. Read Rainmetall if you want an actual mature story. or an aneurysm
>>344888
You may already know, but try ponepaste.org
Gotta ditch the sinking kike ship, Tripe 8.
Anonymous
e1fd41f
?
No.344895
344901
>>344893
>Read Rainmetall
I'll check it out anon, thanks
Maybe I'll give you my opinion on if after i read it
Anonymous
87ba7a1
?
No.344901
344903
aryanne_banana.png
>>344895
Uh-oh! shit! I-I was kidding, sorry anon.
Anonymous
e1fd41f
?
No.344903
Untitled.png
>>344901
>
It's oke anon, but ill check it out anyways
Anonymous
87ba7a1
?
No.345012
345014 345036
1433119017024.jpg
>>>/mlpol/345006 →
Goddammit! I am genuinely convinced that my story as an idea or concept is pretty darn good, it would be well received here, even. Given certain posts pointing out mistakes and otherwise dissatisfaction caused by other works.
But I suck so much ass in the technical department and my drawfag is way too busy to fully commit to the comic/manga project.
What do?
Anonymous
78dc9ba
?
No.345014
345016
>>345012
Post the ponepaste here and I'll look at it again.
Anonymous
78dc9ba
?
No.345016
345017
>>345014
The link that is.
Anonymous
87ba7a1
?
No.345017
345019
>>345016
Uh, haven't made any changes, if that's what you mean. cuz I need to be very specific with the artist. And don't worry, I'll fuck off to my own bread if I actually carry on with the comic

>Part 1
https://ponepaste.org/6273

>Part 2
https://ponepaste.org/6836

Password(only the second part): kaisereich117
Anonymous
78dc9ba
?
No.345019
345020
deviantart-nendo23-909966502.jpg
>>345017
No, post the link in the future or the thread. It would be nice to be able to cleanly follow up.
You don't need to worry. I'm not concerned about whether or not you made changes.
Anonymous
87ba7a1
?
No.345020
345021
fluttershy__element_of_kindness_by_maxwindy_d4se41t-fullview.jpg
>>345019
Oh, sounds great. Thanks anon.
Anonymous
78dc9ba
?
No.345021
345022 345023 345026
>>345020
"They're coming from the east! I repeat! They're coming from the east!" The call repeated throughout the base.

A legion of soldiers fled like ants swarming an anthill over an uneven field. In the middle of the upheaval, some soldiers have the presence of mind to destroy bridges, artillery pieces, supplies, and everything that could possibly be useful to the enemy.

”Kaiser should've never trusted that monster!” a sergeant shouted out in despair.

A croaking roar reached the sergeant's ears. He whips around and with bloodshot eyes, he stares at his private.

”We gotta run...” he whispers before they set the whole room of crates on fire and they bolt out of there.

As if the Ursa Major himself slashed the sky with his paws, dark smoke trails striped the sky but it's actually caused by projectiles as they fly by overhead.

”HQ! HQ! Do you copy? We're twenty to one! They breach sector barracked at sector four-sigma. WE CAN'T HOLD THEM!” a female official shouted into a radio mic.

She almost shoves it into her mouth as her eyes dart focus on her surrounding. Behind her, the rest of her platoon apply medical aid to engineers and workers but only the ones the severely injured. The attack from the flies had taken them by surprise.

A few tears run down her face. ”Please... HQ... We have civilians...”

I could write it like this for you. It would help me figure out my own writing problems while helping you. Would you like me to write it like this? I kinda do but that might not help you in what you want help with, perhaps?
Anonymous
78dc9ba
?
No.345022
>>345021
So.. I should have proofread. Grammar is off.
Anonymous
78dc9ba
?
No.345023
345027
>>345021
Actually, I'm gonna fix these grammar flaws now and send it again.
Anonymous
d413ffa
?
No.345026
345027
>>345021
>I could write it like this for you. It would help me figure out my own writing problems while helping you. Would you like me to write it like this? I kinda do but that might not help you in what you want help with, perhaps?
Well, it's only two chapters, and it'll likely prove useful to me. So, go ahead fren, I like the idea.
Anonymous
78dc9ba
?
No.345027
345028 345039
>>345023
"They're coming from the east! I repeat! They're coming from the east!" The call repeated throughout the base.

A legion of soldiers fled like ants swarming an anthill; they fled over an uneven field. In the middle of the upheaval, some soldiers had the presence of mind to destroy bridges, artillery pieces, supplies, and everything that could possibly be useful to the enemy.

”Kaiser should've never trusted that monster!” a sergeant shouted out in despair.

A croaking roar reached the sergeant's ears. He whipped around and with bloodshot eyes he stared at his private.

”We gotta run...” he whispered before they set the fuel soaked crates on fire and bolted out of there.

As if the Ursa Major himself slashed the sky with his paws, dark smoke trails striped the sky but they were actually caused by projectiles as they fly by overhead.

”HQ! HQ! Do you copy? We're twenty to one! They breach the barricade at sector four-sigma. WE CAN'T HOLD THEM!” a female official shouted into a radio mic.

She almost shoved it into her mouth as her eyes focused on her surrounding. Behind her, the rest of her platoon applied medical aid to engineers and workers but only the ones that were severely injured. The attack from the flies had taken them by surprise.

A few tears ran down her face. ”Please... HQ... We have civilians...”

It's funny, when I proofread, I get better results than when I send it through Grammarly. Not that it doesn't notice anything, it does, but this is way better this time.
>>345026
Good, then I'll do so.
Anonymous
78dc9ba
?
No.345028
>>345027
Then I notice more.
Like:
>...projectiles as they fly overhead...
*flew
Anonymous
e0d44b1
?
No.345036
345039 345045
gg.png
>>345012
Did you consider maybe you're focusing too much on the visuals, instead of thinking of it as a story?
I believe this would look pretty awesome in a comic, or animation but personally to start off with all this action going on and little explanation, and having it drag for so long kind of makes me lost as what is happening and why should i care.

Also i don't think using two "..." in the same paragraph is a good idea, the three points can be helpful sometimes but if you overuse them, it just feels like a cheap attempt at building suspense.

About you describing every single detail of the character, like this Sturmflügen on its first appearance...Is- Is it really that important that the reader knows exactly what the pone is wearing?
Look at how lovecraft (whom loved describing things) usually went about it, he usually described only key things and didn't bother describing other unimportant details.
First, i want you to see how he describes something important, the busdriver from The shadow over Innsmouth:
"When the driver came out of the store I looked at him more carefully and tried to determine the source of my evil impression. He was a thin, stoop-shouldered man not much under six feet tall, dressed in shabby blue civilian clothes and wearing a frayed grey golf cap. His age was perhaps thirty-five, but the odd, deep creases in the sides of his neck made him seem older when one did not study his dull, expressionless face. He had a narrow head, bulging, watery blue eyes that seemed never to wink, a flat nose, a receding forehead and chin, and singularly undeveloped ears. His long, thick lip and coarse-pored, greyish cheeks seemed almost beardless except for some sparse yellow hairs that straggled and curled in irregular patches; and in places the surface seemed queerly irregular, as if peeling from some cutaneous disease. His hands were large and heavily veined, and had a very unusual greyish-blue tinge. The fingers were strikingly short in proportion to the rest of the structure, and seemed to have a tendency to curl closely into the huge palm. As he walked toward the bus I observed his peculiarly shambling gait and saw that his feet were inordinately immense. The more I studied them the more I wondered how he could buy any shoes to fit them.
A certain greasiness about the fellow increased my dislike. He was evidently given to working or lounging around the fish docks, and carried with him much of their characteristic smell. Just what foreign blood was in him I could not even guess. His oddities certainly did not look Asiatic, Polynesian, Levantine, or negroid, yet I could see why the people found him alien. I myself would have thought of biological degeneration rather than alienage."

As you can see, he put a lot of emphasis on this man's look and his body language/how he handled himself, and not so much on his clothes.

But then, i did say he just ignored a few things, and he does indeed, look at how he describes Miss Anna Tilton, from the same novel, she is introduced as follows:
"The librarian gave me a note of introduction to the curator of the Society, a Miss Anna Tilton, who lived nearby, and after a brief explanation that ancient gentlewoman was kind enough to pilot me into the closed building, since the hour was not outrageously late."
Beep boop, done
Damn, that was fast, wasn't it? one second he's talking at the librarian and the next second he's already at the old lady's house asking for a tour around a certain place, no description at all apart from her name and her age, so we get a feel on how she might look.

I'd say i got a problem with the very opening of this, because it tells me almost nothing.
>"They're coming from the east! I repeat! They're coming from the east!"
You see, opening with this line, i really have no idea where i am, who is talking, who is coming, why should i care...
Reading that line does not make me curious about the book, in my case i can just imagine this is some sort of war and people are fighting, and to find out that is just the case is not very surprising either.

Since i got innsmouth open in the other tab, let me show you the first line from this book:
"During the winter of 1927–28 officials of the Federal government made a strange and secret investigation of certain conditions in the ancient Massachusetts seaport of Innsmouth."
Now, look at what this does: It sets up the date and season
The winter of 1927
It gives us a subject to focus on
28 officials of the Federal government
It tells us what they are doing
made a strange and secret investigation of certain conditions
It tells us where they are doing it
in the ancient Massachusetts seaport of Innsmouth.

Damn boy, that's a fucking lot of information being conveyed in just one line, ain't it?
Yes, but he didn't tell us why were the government officials conducting a secret investigation, this pokes the curiosity, and that's the point since in this book we follow the story of a character trying to find out exactly what is wrong with this "innsmouth" place he has heard about.

Now, let's put your story through the same filter:
""They're coming from the east! I repeat! They're coming from the east!""
"Soldiers were fleeing in their thousands across the uneven open terrain, as the enemy closes in, the soldiers destroy everything behind them as they retreat, bridges and artillery pieces were blown off while ammo and supply caches were set on fire."

Who?
Soldiers...A thousand? (??)
What?
Fleeing!
Where
Across the uneven open terrain? (??)

-As the enemy closes in, blablabla

Yeah
Can you see the problem here?
Anonymous
87ba7a1
?
No.345039
345042 345049
CFBC0B9363C39836AFC3BAB153CD8C98-81296.jpg
>>345027
>Good, then I'll do so.
Btw, this is what I was getting at here. >>339900
>>345036
>Did you consider maybe you're focusing too much on the visuals, instead of thinking of it as a story?
Hmm, am not so sure about this one. But you're right, I should've been a lot more concise about it. Some anons felt like the visual descriptions were lacking but that was later on.
>I believe this would look pretty awesome in a comic, or animation but personally to start off with all this action going on and little explanation, and having it drag for so long kind of makes me lost as what is happening and why should i care.
>Yes, but he didn't tell us why were the government officials conducting a secret investigation, this pokes the curiosity, and that's the point.
I did wanted to be vague about some stuff to fuel curiosity, but it seems like I've failed at that. Or the means I used weren't exactly the best for the task.
>on its first appearance
Yeah...it was probably too much in one go.
>Also i don't think using two "..." in the same paragraph is a good idea.
Oh, feel free to point that out, but I've been made aware about the three dot spam that chokes both chapters. I really hope I didn't just discourage you now.

Also, I really appreciate you taking the time to give it a read, as with anyone.
But I am particularly interested in your take, you being Spanish speaker and all; it'll probably make everything easier to grasp. Or worse, a good chunk of my grammatical fuck-ups are also fuck-ups in Spanish
Anonymous
5be9c9c
?
No.345042
345082
>>345039
>Some anons felt like the visual descriptions were lacking but that was later on.
I mean, it is your writing style and some authors have weird writing styles that, somehow, manage to work, but it's just that thing I pointed out: Reading this makes me feel like it's supposed to be /seen/ and not read.
It reminds me a lot about reading a movie script, they tend to be really descriptive of the explosions and actions, maybe even a DnD log.
When it comes to novels, I can't remember the last time I read something that focused so much in visual details and actions, like your opening and fight scenes.

>But I am particularly interested in your take, you being Spanish speaker and all; it'll probably make everything easier to grasp.
I really have no idea how that's supposed to help haha
I was planning on finishing it today but the lights went out, I'll resume reading it soon enough.
Anonymous
94cfb18
?
No.345045
>>345036
Man, the shadow over Innsmouth is my favorite Lovecraft story.
Anonymous
5be9c9c
?
No.345049
345082
1498569144034-1.png
>>345039
I like how the second part is written, maybe because it's closer to what i'm used to when it comes to prose.
Honestly, now that i understand a bit more of what is going on, i find it very interesting.
Worldbuilding-wise, this is a very interesting story, and i see you like to focus a lot on the political tensions between all the powers, that is also quite nice.

If anything, i still get the feeling this is written like a movie script, i'm not sure if that's good or bad yet because the way animated media works and novels work are usually quite different, but hey i managed to read it all and didn't have an aneurysm, so it should be fine.

If anything some parts are written in a weird way, i guess those are the main troubles it runs into, like the opening of the story, the way it shows you this huge battle first and then tells you what is happening...
You know, i actually have read -part- of a book that starts telling you something important without much explanation, and it was a good novel.
Let me show you how it starts, it's called Echo City:

"As it left the city, the thing did not once look back. It
walked with heavy steps, looked forward with rheumy eyes,
and its misted breath soon dispersed in the air. It did not
look back, because its purpose was ahead, and large though
this thing was, its brain was small and simple, its reason for
being very precise. It moved away from the world and out
into the Bonelands, and it would never return."


You can apply the same What, Who, When, Where, Why questions to this if you feel like it, but yeah that's the opening of the book.
No explanation, no nothing, we jump right into some "thing" leaving the city without looking back, you can see this leaves more questions than answers, but at the same time, the information we can get from this paragraph and the ones that follow is that this world is a very hostile place.
So, why is Echo City opening engaging? Because it hints at worldbuilding at every step, it leaves us with questions which it promises to answer and- despite it's lack of an exact description- it's quite visually rich, as the reader can clearly picture the bonelands in their mind, just by hearing the general descriptions the author gives and how the creature starts to crumble apart as it makes it's way through the bonelands.

It is fine to start something with an unrelated scene that's important to set the tone or hint at the worldbuilding, or explain something very important that we yet do not comprehend.
But doing so can be tricky, if done in the wrong way, you might just make the reader feel lost and if the reader feels lost or does not care about what is happening, he or she will most likely drop the piece before it gets to the important part.

It's also important not to drag a piece for way longer than it is welcomed, gosh some authors just love the sound of the keys typing and they end up writing a 160 pages novel on something that could very well be resolved in 80-100 pages. (Like some novel i read a few days ago, it was called The Collector, i have a lot of things to say about it but i wont)

I think you will do well nonny, i see a lot of potential in your story, i hope you keep practicing because i know you can write-up something very interesting.
Anonymous
87ba7a1
?
No.345082
d94uicf-d4e00982-f40c-46b4-b9cc-d345362fec0b.jpg
>>345042
>>345049
Sorry for the late reply, it was a busy day I didn't expected.

>Honestly, now that i understand a bit more of what is going on, i find it very interesting.
>Worldbuilding-wise, this is a very interesting story, and i see you like to focus a lot on the political tensions between all the powers, that is also quite nice.
Thanks, is relieving to hear you had an easier time following the story. And am glad you were able to enjoy it to some degree.
>If anything, i still get the feeling this is written like a movie script, i'm not sure if that's good or bad yet because the way animated media works and novels work are usually quite different.
You are right, and this is no justification, but I honestly started writing this with the comic in mind.

>You know, i actually have read -part- of a book that starts telling you something important without much explanation, and it was a good novel.Let me show you how it starts, it's called Echo City...It is fine to start something with an unrelated scene that's important to set the tone or hint at the worldbuilding, or explain something very important that we yet do not comprehend.
>But doing so can be tricky, if done in the wrong way, you might just make the reader feel lost and if the reader feels lost or does not care about what is happening, he or she will most likely drop the piece before it gets to the important part.
Alright, this is honestly stellar. Thanks a lot anon, I'll come back to this post when I work on my re-write.
>It's also important not to drag a piece for way longer than it is welcomed.
Yeah, don't worry I'll rather be as brief as possible due to time constraints.
>I mean, it is your writing style and some authors have weird writing styles that, somehow, manage to work.
I think I was wrong there. The other anon did suggested a bit more detail but it does align more with this:
<"As you can see, he put a lot of emphasis on this man's look and his body language/how he handled himself, and not so much on his clothes."
As he did mentioned body language. So, in case you're lurkin' nearby, sorry anon.

>I really have no idea how that's supposed to help haha
Well, I dunno if it had something to do with it, but you've managed to follow the story a lot better than anyone else. not their fault
>I think you will do well nonny, i see a lot of potential in your story, i hope you keep practicing because i know you can write-up something very interesting.
Thanks mate, I really appreciate your time and effort reading and providing feedback. You were quick, clear, concise and provided more than pertinent examples along the way. I wish I could have given back an equal reply.
Thanks a lot again, all in all, am glad I made that joke.
Anonymous
e47337a
?
No.345236
345239
Found something brilliantly written but it's not pony fanfiction

https://archiveofourown.org/works/22043224?view_full_work=true

I didn't think I would read it all but the story sucked me in. Felt like time wasn't even passing as I read it. It even made me feel emotions! And it had some great scenes with characters I didn't even like in the original, they turned out better here.

Is this what good writing looks like? The descriptions of the world seem superb and the author has a great grasp of the characters. I'd call parts of it too edgy if the level of violence and darkness present wasn't typical for the story's inspiration or lesser in comparison. In however much of this you want to read, what is there to analyze?
Anonymous
b51cf0a
?
No.345239
345241
>>345236
I'll read it soon enough and tell you, but i must inquire, if it is good writing what you're striving for, why not read a real book to use as example, instead of fanfiction?
Anonymous
e47337a
?
No.345241
>>345239
I have been reading real books, this fic was recommended to me by somebody else.
Anonymous
e47337a
?
No.345335
What easily understood evil shit can an invading SJW army from SJWland do to the hero's hometown and its people?

It has to be something understandable for general audiences new to politics, because in this piece of media I'm only taking politics as far as "SJWs are bad because liberalism doesn't work". No jew or WW2 stuff. Once people move to sites where they can talk about SJWs, they eventually watch videos about that stuff anyway, learning of the jewish origins of marxism and the marxist origins of SJWism.
Anonymous
e47337a
?
No.345337
Btw would it be accurate to say the core idea of Doom x Animal Crossing is better than the core idea of Fallout Equestria because it embraces the contrast instead of mixing it?

Where DxAC has fun with the contrast between cutesy animal cartoon friendliness and hyperviolent demon slaying fun, making Isabelle enjoy demon slaying as a vacation from work and putting doomguy on the island to enjoy peaceful activities or engage in peaceful activities hyperviolently, Fallout Equestria squanders what makes both distinct properties interesting by blending them into one miserable setting where the Mane Six's intellectual and moral failings allow Ziggers to ruin everything and create a boringly homogenous world of bleak edgelordery.

Everyone's favourite Doom and AC characters can have something to do in the crossover, but in FE the backstory of FE ruins and kills off its versions of the canon characters. If your favourite character in FIM is mortal and didn't die during Fallout Equestria, he or she probably died of old age over 200 years without magic/cryogenics getting involved.

And where Doom Eternal has fun shredding ontologically evil demons who deserve worse than anything any player or modder or writer can do to them, Fallout Equestria's edgy so it tries making ontologically evil monsters out of cutesy cartoon ponies. Even though Fallout already has monsters like RadScorpions and Deathclaws. Raiders(tm) and Slavers(tm) just run around raiding and slaving for no reason like MMO mobs until armed characters show up to kill them and effortlessly automatically establish a liberal democracy where Pure Evil aka any alternative to it (that's how the author sees politics) used to be.

Fluttershy shooting evil edgy ponies over ideology is tragic. Fluttershy putting down brain damaged Feral Ghouls is tragic(and a competent author would have focused on that tragedy when writing them instead of making their melee swipes detonate cars).

Some OC from a Fallout Vault/Stable born 200 years the world got nuked is completely divorced from FIM's setting even if the author says she had Moon Dancer as an ancestor alive 200 years ago. But Fluttershy shooting Doom Eternal demons is fun, like Isabelle shooting demons. But if a FIM x Doom story takes itself too seriously and gives the cartoon critters Battle Saddles and makes Doom's events into a bad future for FIM, that ruins the fun by eliminating what makes FIM unique, right?
Anonymous
b67a2c8
?
No.345463
345464 345465 345466
Watched Avatar (blue people film) with my girl recently.
Starting to think my current story would be more effective and far shorter and therefore better if there were no libtard enemies invading and ruining the fantasy world, and the story is instead an isekai coming of age story where a failed woman redoes life in a better traditional world and grows into a good woman free from the influences that corrupted her long ago.
No invading orcnigger barbarian army imported by child-eating goblins who need to be overthrown. No complicated politics. Just a good woman who wants to do good for the people who raised her right.
Anonymous
76d2921
?
No.345464
>>345463
>Watched Avatar (blue people film) with my girl recently.
No you didn’t
Anonymous
87ba7a1
?
No.345465
>>345463
>Blue people film

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YsfFJarMeJk
Anonymous
e5c2bc8
?
No.345466
1648048616946.gif
>>345463
>pretending to have a girlfriend to impress anons on /mlpol/
Anonymous
b67a2c8
?
No.345467
Knew I shouldn't have brought her up. If you want to believe she's imaginary that's fine.
Is Mongrels any good or is it shit?
Anonymous
bdade16
?
No.346182
346226
Braveheart seems like an effective propaganda film. Starts with the assertion that anyone who contradicts this version of events is trying to defend the English, who are portrayed as pure evil in this film to a historically inaccurate degree. Ends with the hero tortured and killed, because ending tales with a happy ending resolves the conflict and makes you feel like things are okay, but ending the story in tragedy makes you walk away wanting the wrong righted. Seems like that's how propaganda should be written... right? I'm still so new at all of this.

Showed my shit old Fallout Equestria fic to an apolitical writer friend, someone with no context for FIM, Fallout, Fallout Equestria, or modern politics. He hated the story, called its pacing glacial and its protagonist unbearably miserable. Hated the way I tried weaving technobabble into the story by making the hero a tech worker, he said I should have just shortened the technobabble and turned it into ads heard during a train ride before giving the hero a manual labour job where he's whipped down the mines, or some other cartoonish job that's immediately understandable as "slave labour" in the average viewer's mind. Also he hated how the hero doesn't get a "pet the dog" scene where he takes a tiny risk to do the right thing and succeeds. I thought making the hero unable to do the right thing under the sheeple regime was the point, but I always could have slipped in the hero helping some funeral attendees escape the slaughter.

He also hated that the heroes are competent and not incompetent, and he hated that the heroes are strong predatory animals controlled by a system ruled by herbivorous sheeple puppeteered by the rich, because he thought it would be better if the heroes were cute cuddly mammals and the villains were villainous "Nazi Eagle supermacists" who eat little kittens alive. "Or at the very least, villainous Lion monarchists who eat little kittens alive".

But changing that changes the story. The heroes are supposed to be people who would be great in a better system. Good-hearted geniuses and athletes denied opportunities gifted to the grass gobblers. Maybe adding more heroes to Team Hero would make that theme clearer. More people from all sorts of walks of life who could be great if not for the regime screwing them.

But I liked his "Give the hero a loved one, the villains take her away to be raped by the mad king of evil, the hero is forced to join the Resistance and violently overthrow the villains to save what he really cares about" suggestion. Even though I think giving the hero a personal motive to oppose the villains like revenge or saving a loved one detracts from any ideological or moral drive to change things. It makes me wonder if some fictional heroes would do the right thing if not forced to, when circumstances force the hero to do the right thing.

Perhaps the hero could have a cute little sister, a soft hearted sweetheart who wouldn't hurt a fly or lift a paw to defend herself, and the villains arrest her and put her in a gulag on bullshit charges(expressing sympathy for her own people?) so the hero has to save her from the rapist in charge by freeing all political dissidents present, who reunite with the Resistance and fight the tyranny of sheep. Perhaps the pedo in charge of the gulag could be the corrupt tyrannical evil Queen President's son.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.346183
346226
>>338677
<83 days an countin. Ah tried appealin to the folks on the radio, but all Ah get is static. Are all these ponies I hear over the comms just recordings?
Seriously, I think Ive been exceedingly patient thus far. And its not like Im asking for a review of War and Peace, this could take minutes,....
Anonymous
8345109
?
No.346226
346256 346461
>>346183
I suppose, that if I say I'll try to get to this today, you won't believe me? Well, that's how it will go down, if it's going down. Wanted to show that I'm not ignoring you though.

>>346182
>I'm still so new at all of this.
I don't think so. I think, you should have more confidence in yourself. You do have a good understanding of storytelling, you just have problems filtering yourself (aka pacing, red-thread).
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.346256
>>346226
You're right, I should be more confident.
Something makes this tricky...
Media out there demonizes us good guys, but if media wants to demonize the bad guys it just has to tell the truth about them. And there is not much of that. Sometimes media tells the truth about the enemy accidentally in an attempt to lie about reality, even if it's in the form of apolitically lying about reality through a fantasy story. Sometimes hook nosed greedy goblins run the banks and the author thinks nothing of it until the jew cries about it. The enemy wildly bludgeons us with simplistic lies until they stick in the heads of retards. But trying to explain the ways the enemy hurts us in a way the audience can understand is tricky.
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.346257
Furthermore, it's one thing to write about a character born into a world full of tragedy and oppression. But how can I put the appeal of escapist fantasy into these stories, and make these stories less overwhelmingly miserable? Giving the hero the means to fight back and win, toppling dictators with the power of holy magical laserbeams and AR-15s? That's a fantasy, not a fantasy story.

But the "Other world" or Isekai genre, where a human is sent to a fantasy world to live there or save it or try to return home... It's inherently escapist. Whether the guy sent in is a generic bland everyman blank slate or a detailed character with opinions and worldviews shaped by facts and past experiences, no guides to writing a fantasy world spell out how to fill your story with truth. The real truth, which the jews censor. And when magic is inherently a lie, how can you work it into a story to make it a fantasy story?

Can i still depict trannies as a bunch of mentally ill clowns who glue wings to their arms and leap off buildings because groomers told them this will turn them into real birds, if the story starts with a deity of fantasy land teleporting a human named Tim into fantasy land as a bird man? How can a book say "fantasies won't let you fly" when the book itself is a fantasy? How can your work be Christian when it relies on unchristian bullshit to happen in the first place? Can a female protagonist be the ideal tomboy gf while rejecting feminist propaganda and "muh strong wamen" bullshit, or does the fact that she's actively shaping her destiny and shooting orcish niggers instead of staying home baking pies for her chad husband while he's out shooting niggers make her less than the ideal trad submissive wife? Are Isekai protagonists technically illegal immigrants?

There are plenty of guides on shoehorning bullshit wokism into your story, making it artificially diverse-looking yet entirely black and white in its morality despite all the moral-relativist pretension. Guides on depicting whites as cowardly weak irrational hateful morons for not loving diversity. Guides on keeping your work in line with current SocJus propaganda. Guides on "understanding and accurately depicting" things the average calartsfag has never interacted with except the guides are full of propaganda and misinformation and demonization. Guides on making your villains morally reprehensible and unappealing to the audience, just in case you're afraid of idiot readers fantasizing about joining team rocket and having fun instead of taking away what you want them to take away from the story(the villains are bad). A site I used to use as a valuable source for writing advice long ago went full retard years ago and has been on a downward spiral since, recently it posted this idiocy https://springhole.net/other/story-of-a-former-conservative-conspiracy-believer.htm and I'll never understand why so many smug libtard midwits feel the need to make up tragic origin stories for themselves where they used to be Christian. Am I expected to believe they failed to meet a single Christian growing up who was not what Jewish Hollywood says Christians are? Am I expected to believe they all had the exact same upbringing? They all grew up in a very Christian place supposedly before moving to some woke shithole, getting lovebombed and gaslit and shamed and patterned and dogtrained and demoralized and groomed until they see the world and even themselves and their own past through a distorted ideological lens, but they never have anything to say about islamic terrorism or the levels of violence because they're so busy obsessing over inane Dollself Sanskin Sherlocksexual Genderqueer faggotry they can't see any evidence that the white christians were right all along.
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.346308
346312
Seems trying to put the totality of modern politics into a story overwhelms the story.
Could something further removed from earth, like medieval fantasy countries at war using swords and wizards, be fertile ground for a series of stories embodying one redpill each?
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.346312
346314
>>346308
It's not an issue of setting, it's an issue of trying to say too many complicated things at once within the same story. Even if you're dealing with large macro problems, a single protagonist isn't going to be directly affected by all of it. Try focusing on how these macro problems affect your character's life directly, instead of focusing on the macro problems themselves. What direct problems is this character facing and how do those problems relate to the issues affecting the world at large?

Your character also needs a goal. The goal needs to make sense for his situation and be attainable. "Saving the entire world from child-raping Hebrew bankers while also waking up the normies and restructuring the world economy" is probably not an attainable goal for anyone, so maybe focus on something smaller and more tailored to his situation. Maybe he's trying to pay off his house after falling victim to some predatory lending scam. Maybe his daughter is being brainwashed into a drug-addicted thot by rapacious Muslims and he's trying to win her back. Maybe both of those things are going on simultaneously and he's dealing with both.

You can have multiple goals/problems for a protagonist if you want, the key is that they need to relate to him specifically and be things that he could reasonably deal with. In your specific case, I'd actually advise against giving your character multiple goals, and would say that you should just focus on a short, simple story about a character trying to solve a single problem, since you have a tendency to get pulled off the rails when your ideas become too complex. The main idea though is to not get bogged down in the complexity of the world's problems on a macro-scale; you want to focus on your character's situation and on what affects him directly, and tailor the character's goals and problems to fit that situation.
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.346314
346323
>>346312
How's this?
>be sad guy protagonist neet
>be working in dead end entry level job with shit female bosses and co workers
>struggle to afford rent even with 3 male roommates
>each is some flavour of cucked beta male with unproductive obsessions
>one's watching tv show that foreshadows problem
>phone is called
>his sister had a child and doesnt want to take care of it plus the father was killed by isislamic explosion on the subway
>protagonist must take care of a child now
>the men put away childish things and learn the joy of being fathers/uncles
>protagonist's sister is awful until she gives up "muh strong independent actress waitress" bullshit and goes home to be a mother
>neighbour makes an incest joke and protagonist's roommates call the neighbour an unfunny faggot, protagonist is shocked as he is not used to men sticking up for him
>many chapters intended to make the audience love this adorable child later, muslims try to kidnap the kid for an occult jewish ritual so the hero murders them and gets his kid back
>at first he goes in thinking he can sneak in undetected and get out undetected but when spotted it's kill or be killed so it's technically not premeditated murder I guess
>and they all lived happily ever after
>except the dead jew muslims
Anonymous
be57da6
?
No.346323
346338
>>346314
Not bad. I think the father getting exploded by terrorists is a bit much, and the kidnapping/spy infiltration angle feels a little out of left field. Also, "Jew Muslim" is a bit of an oxymoron. Other than that though, not a bad idea; I could see this working as a story.
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.346338
>>346323
Thanks, thought the birth father had to die to justify the neet hero being promoted to parent. Guess the birth father could be a deadbeat who flees, but muslims doing it sets them up as evil for later. Could do a scene where a girl the dead father was important to cries "muh poor muslims, muh islamophobia, what if this makes people dislike them" while his warm flesh chunks are still being picked out of her hair and other peoples hair. And the hero thinks "wow, they're still the center of your universe even now".
Still not sure about the ending... I want something involving necessary and righteous physical violence against pedophiles to save a kidnapped baby in mortal peril. A climax the audience should cheer for.
Could always give the neet hero a friend to do the violence for him. Or the heroic men could do it together. Perhaps a small army could form as everyone whose life hero neet touched and improved wants to help.
But it would still fundamentally be a story about several men raising a child and eventually saving it. Not much universal appeal.

How could modern politics work in a generic fantasy setting? They're more universally appealing. But part of the appeal seems to be how it's so divorced from reality. Wise good kings rule fairly and never cause famines or suffering due to corrupt advisors, magic items provide power only the worthy can wield, some people shoot fireballs from their hands yet they'll only turn evil if demons seduce them into it, interventionist gods exist, dragons are rideable, monster girls are fuckable, evil wizards make skeleton armies because they're cunts who want the world dead, and fantasy swords work better than normal ones. Where's the room for realist morals like "fuck libtards" or "six gorillion was a mathematical impossibility" or "race is more important than noble families and thrones and crowns"?
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.346413
>write bland vanilla protagonist with more intetesting friend
>rewrite more interesting character to be the lead
>find myself writing the new protag as a blander vanilla character on the grounds that "the lead hero can't think something that controversial or do something if he's not 100% morally in the right, or he might turn away readers"
Is this a common thing for new writers?
Anonymous
9b9cf99
?
No.346461
346479
>>346226
>I say I'll try to get to this today
How bizarre that I was so confident that it would happened and then it didn't.
Oh, well any day now. I'm sure.
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.346477
346480
image.png
Not sure how many people here are familiar with Chatoyance's "ID - That Indestructible Something" but I have to ask...

Would the story actually improve if it was changed to revolve around Gregoria's character growth and an inverse of what Kafka's Metamorphosis seems to be?

The way it is now, the story's weird.
Gregoria's a loser jobless human girl who mooches off her cunt parents and abandoned a friend in need for being "too clingy" after her lover died, but she turns into a FIM pony one day, except most humans can't notice she's a MLPFIM pony.
The friend she abandoned helps her, and they start to wonder if Equestria's real and why this horse transformation happened.
Gregoria realizes she used to be a shit friend.
Malus Crown is a rich Apple-obsessed human digging up and looking at Kafka's corpse for some reason.
Many words later Malus turns out to be Steve Jobs and he's gathering all sorts of transformed animal people together because he's just sooo nice, also reality's a simulation and the deaths of some "Code Holders" can rewrite its past, present, and future spontaneously. Gregoria's friend's lover was a military guy and Code Holder and his death triggered pony transformations and made Gregoria's friend into Celestia.
Half of a secret govt organization wanted to prove this to the other, the other half is convinced reality's real and nonhumans need to be exploited evilly. The new Celestia got killed repeatedly by the govt villains to try and "prove" this world's a simulation or something, this mindbreaks her.
Oh and some character we weren't properly introduced to sacrificed himself to save people. Can't have Gregoria make that sacrifice to prove how she's grown as a person during this story.
In the end Gregoria and many others get to live with Steve Jobs in another country, having left America. Gregoria seemingly learned nothing and gets to mooch off another man, just as she once mooched off her parents. Sure she's a nicer friend but the story seems like it became a missed opportunity the second the author got distracted by the concept of reality being a simulation the deaths of important people can retcon.

Kafka's Metamorphosis is about a guy others relied on suddenly turning into a cockroach, forcing him to rely on those who once relied on him and hate him now. Losing the magic angle and saying the guy relied on got disabled after a drunk driver injured him wouldn't radically transform the story's events. If the true point of the story is "Cockroaches only love you if they can rely on you, and hate you if you're lowered to their level" this story about an awful human turning into a better pony was in a unique position to reject that idea and counterargue that just as negative transformations can ruin the lives of good people, beneficial transformation can turn bad humans into better people and help them bring out the best in those around them. It really seemed like Gregoria's story was going to be about this pony growing and helping others and turning her life around for the better(maybe even becoming her own boss, finding work in a field ponies are better at than humans, helping the friend who lost her lover get over this, proving to her parents she really does have value, and eventually rejecting the evil Malus Crown's offer. He could say to give up her free will and ability to help others, offering to take her his mansion to be looked after like a pet in his indoor home zoo next to his Puppy Room, but she would prove she has learned the value of self-sufficiency and ponyness by saying no, and then he might fuck off miserably or a chase sequence or fight might ensue, maybe the typical "hidden animal buddy roadtrip on the run from the law" cliches could ensue) before everything started revolving around Malus and conspiracies and setting up the Not-Matrix-Verse, ideas so inherently huge and dehumanizing individual characters seem pointless in the grand scheme of things.

At any point in Gregoria's life, and at any point after she perishes, any Code Holder's death could retcon the reality lived by the ones and zeroes in the Not Matrix's artificial reality. Nobody's real in this setting to themselves or each other and nothing interesting and philosophical is done with these big ideas every character seems eager to forget about. Anything anyone could accomplish today could be undone tomorrow, retconned out of reality thanks to the death of some random Star Trek-obsessed NEET causing a buffer overflow that replaces much of reality with Wookiepedia's garbage data about Glup Shitto.

This story could have included philosophical pondering about whether artificial reality matters even if no true reality is confirmed to exist or not exist outside it. Or dropped the concept entirely and focused on people embodying big ideas. I think a story that says "Pony makes you better" would have worked better than this ejaculation of random matrixesque troll physics headcanons meant to set up a "Shared fanfiction universe" so broad and open-ended literally any story in this setting could be written outside it without any changes because all that makes a story part of this "shared universe" is that it takes place in this story's specific definition of simulated reality. Writing in more interesting universes will give you characters and worlds full of history and worldbuilding, but this "shared universe" could contain anything and be anything at any moment, which means it's effectively nothing.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.346479
>>346461
Relax Sven, Im only picking on you because Im not going to do any damage. I do appreciate and anticipate your reception, but Im also running low on cheeky ways to non-disruptively(?) beg for input.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.346480
346486
>>346477
Meanwhile
>pic related
What kind of beta cuck are you? EVERYWHERE I PISS is the bathroom
Having said
>I dont know if anyobe relates, but heres 3 pages about a niche thing I just gotta blog about
Never change, anon
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.346486
>>346480
Knew I should have TLDRd.
TLDR story starts focusing on Gregoria the pony only to get distracted by a squirrel in the form of a dumb idea.
Would story be improved if it focused entirely on Gregoria and doing something interesting with Kafka's Metamorphosis like writing a counterargument to it in story form, or would that just make it different and no inherently better or worse than what ID Indestructible Dsomething ended up being?

On an unrelated note it pisses me off that it's ID Indestructible Something instead of ID Indestructible Destiny. DmC: Devil May Cry was a stupid title but it would be stupider if it was DMC: Devils Die Alone. That doesn't fit the acronym at all.
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.346547
Also the Mongrels story seems to be written well after all.
There's a bit where (huge spoiler) Louis fights an evil dogman and uses fake shit to win. Fake idiocy where he pretends his plan begins and ends at charging head first like a retard when it was really to detatch his fake horns and ram his fake foot down the mutt's throat. The moment where the dog's surprised the other horn is also fake was stupid but acceptable. Louis even pisses the dog off by revealing he was raised to be livestock, shocking the dog who thought he and his organization members were the only people alive with tragic pasts or something, and he would know this if his organization wasn't full of cringe nihilist suicidal edgefags. The dog almost wins anyway despite all that trickery, crawling like a dying mad animal, but he sees himself reflected in Louis's fuckhuge eyes and that breaks him, which was foreshadowed earlier. A lazy writer would probably make Louis a generic invincible quipping bang shooty guy with one liners. But that wouldn't be true to the character. Louis is not invincible and this author knows how to make that work.
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.346924
346929
writing books be like.jpg
>when you want to write books without degeneracy and books where your ideology wins and purges degeneracy from degenerate worlds but envisioning a world without gravity would be easier than envisioning a world without the degeneracy you saw from day one
what do?
Anonymous
cdd5841
?
No.346929
346966
my_lit12.jpg
>>346924
>what do?
1- Gravity doesn't exist
2- A world without degeneracy is totally possible, if the toll is paid
3- Begin preparations for to purge this realm.
Anonymous
9da281e
?
No.346963
346964
>>338677
So I read it. It stopped when it got intresting if you want my opinion. Otherwise, I neither loved it nor disliked it. It was hard to read through.
This is my honest take, however, make note that this is also a subjective take and nothing more.
I like your mc though.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.346964
>>346963
>It stopped when it got interesting
Apologies, I was sparing myself of continuing the narration until someone expressed an interest in it.
My biggest concern is with prose/narration, and my concern is how it comes across to the audience. Like, there are alot of little mentions both in the prelude and during the scene which are nods/references to prior events that might need more illustration, bu also for which 'this' instance is not the appropriate time, in story.
Does not knowing the reference hurt the marration? Like, are they the sort of reference that piques curiosity of what Im referencing, or is it more the aort of reference that makes you wanna punch me for being less comprehensive?
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.346966
346974
>>346929
Thank you but that's not what I meant. I need to see more depictions of degeneracy-free worlds if I'm ever going to write one well enough to get the audience attached to it. Can you recommend media with any good depictions of places without authoritarian jewish libtard dictators or degeneracy?
My local church is pozzed libtardism without any real christians present, so they're no help.
Anonymous
8df9516
?
No.346974
346975
>>346966
> I need to see more depictions of degeneracy-free worlds if I'm ever going to write one well
So, you need more so you can copy them?
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.346975
>>346974
I wouldn't copy them directly, I'd take inspiration from them.
Anonymous
ecbf7c7
?
No.347167
347209
6390432.png
6382322.png
>Be Fair Star.
>Dressed in your pink and fluffy bathrobe you saunter downstairs.
>At the dining table you see a young stallion eating a sandwich with apple slices on it.
>His coat is silver and his spikey blonde mane obscures his face as he hunches over something on the table.
"Watch you reading, cousin?" you call over to him.
>He jerks and looks up.
>You finally see the open book on the table, confirming your suspicions.
>He looks at you with a hint of annoyance.
>He almost seems to hesitate in showing you the book but then push it towards you.
>As you get closer, you recognice it instantly.
"Ooh, my book. Wanna learn blinkers' art? You don't need to read a book for that. I can teach you, you know?" you say as you walk over to the fridge.
>You take out a bottle of orange juice and start drinking.
>"Well, I'm not sure if I'm gonna commit to it yet but I thought I might try to incorporate into my Appleloosa bar brawl style." the stallion says.
>You start to laugh mid-drink and have to struggle as not to spill any as you choke on it.
>You manage after some unladylike coughs and shallowing to avert a spilling crisis.
"Wait, heh heh. You're gonna... You bar fight, Silver?"
>Silver didn't seem amused.
>"It's a martial arts style. It has bar in it's name because it was developed from bar fights. It's like most earth pony martial arts, with a lot of hindleg bucks, but mixes in some more front hoof kicks." He seemed to relax. "But if you don't know that, it does sounds a bit stranger doesn't it? But it's an actual martial art."
>During the time Silver had held a speech and explained the nature of earth pony martial arts, you had managed to unpack your breakfast on the opposite side of the table.
>You have your bottle of juice, your bowl of salad, and knäckebröd (which is good for your digestion).
>"Once, I and my lil' bro Braebrun along with other pony cowboys to fend of cattle rustlers. I've been thinking of incorporating with teleportation before I saw even heard of unicorns' blinkers' arts..."
>Fair Star gave Silver warm smile something she knew he would miss.
>She went back to eating her breakfast again.
>While she ate, she was only listening with one ear Silver continued his monologue.
>Ever since her cousin had moved in to live with you and well your dad, his uncle, in Canterlot you had started to get to know him more.
>You'd never meet up until that point.
>Silver's mother, Fallen Star, had broken off with the family years ago and had started a family with an earth pony farmer in Appleloosa.
>Dad had said that your aunt hated magic but you always got the gut feeling he wasn't telling you everything.
>Anyway, you didn't know the details, but Silver had somehow gotten in contact with dad and asked to stay here while studying magic in Canterlot.
>So these days, you ended up spending a lot of time with the cousin you had always known about but never meet.
>And you had noticed that when he felt strongly for something he would get very passionately into it.
>You smiled to yourself as Silver started to compare martial arts style between pegasi, unicorns, and earth ponies.
>You started bleping at him; no reaction.
>His clearly not even talking to you anymore.
>You shake your head but decide that least he gets it out of his system as you starts to answer his sentences with, "Mm-uhmm," between crunching on some salad's leaves.
Anonymous
68435c3
?
No.347209
347211
6459223.png
>>347167
>Be Silver Apple but Fair and Nav, your uncle, only seem to regard you as a star more than an apple.
>Guess that's to be expect, that's how your related afterall but there's just something about their tenacity on calling reminding you of being star that feels like they are trying to say something more with it.
>Not sure what though, it's clear that both of them are very proud of being unicorns, their noble status, and their family legacy but what they're trying to tell you is a bit lost on you.
>Not sure if they are trying to welcome your or insult you.
>You lean towards the former because both of them seem like nice ponies.
Anonymous
68435c3
?
No.347211
347227
>>347209
So he takes the hint when it comes to them using his other last name but not when it comes to Fair Star not really listening? Yeah, seems like an inconsistency to me as well.
While I'mbeing meta, I'd just say that this a short-story where I intend to write off some ideas I had with Nigel's oc Silver Star. After all the time in the past we spent talking about him, it's only natural that I been thinking on what to do with a character like him so here's sort of my take on him and on the lore. Call it a fanfanfic if you will.
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.347227
347273
>>347211
I officially give all current users of this site permission for anyone to write whatever they want with the Silver Star character.
Anonymous
055d411
?
No.347273
6460147.jpg
>>347227
Thanks!
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.347452
347453 347500
>be orphan, never adopted
>grow successful as cool self made man
>arrive in ponyville one day and catch Twilight's eye

>be orphan, get adopted by Twilight's parents
>develop a sister brother dynamic with Twilight
>it's a romance story between orphan OC and Rainbow Dash

What do?
Anonymous
50a753d
?
No.347453
347490
6459430.jpg
>>347452
RD, right that was the last mare in the harem you wanted Silver to have. I forgot.
I also have troubles just picking one but the only one that overlaps between your fav mane six ponies and mine is ponk. Otherwise we both also have three that we like. The other two of mine are Flutters and Rarity, and Rarity is mostly because I imagine that she be like super hawt.

Here's a purple for your purps collection.
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.347490
>>347453
That's a nice purple!
Twilight, Pinkie, and Rainbow Dash are my favourite ponies.
Anonymous
39aae74
?
No.347500
347501 348046
>>347452
Not asking cause it's wrong or anything but I wonder how the two scenarios' background stories ties in the what seems like the core story? The core seems to be mc x Twi or mc x RD romance stories so what had you in mind for why the background stories are the way they are?
Anonymous
39aae74
?
No.347501
1773371.gif
>>347500
Appearently I'm a burger, right now and I don't know why. Oh, well there are worst fates.
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.348046
>>347500
I can't decide whether to make the hero a self-made orphan, or an orphan raised by Twilight's family.
>>everyone
Anti-Christian film "Saved" makes a character arc out of the protagonist girl going from demonized Christian to Atheist degenerate. Saw that movie again, hated it.

Everything Christian is played for "laughs" and portrayed in the worst possible light, while the abusive jewish degenerate girl who shows up to school drunk at one point is painted as "the cool edgy rebel teens should idolize". Meanwhile the heroine's super-christian friend is painted as the villain despite being far kinder than the sort of "Mean girl" you'd see in most teen movies.

The protag has no father figure and a useless mother too wrapped up in her own drama to be a positive influence on her child. This is normalized, because for most people in the fatherless feminized generations these days it is normal. Trying to imagine anything else would be a fantasy. Like an orphan imagining he has rich parents. When the heroine abandons Christ, the jew befriends her and they proceed to be awful people together. When the Christian girl is pushed past her limit, she abandons Christ and is accepted by the jew. This is treated as a positive thing. This "Villainous" Christian, she's completed the "positive growth" in her "character arc", she has "overcome" her Christianity, and while she has lost her God, now she can be accepted by the one voice that really matters in this movie: The fucking jew girl.

The heroine abandons Christ when the consequences of actions she chose to take (unprotected sex with her gay boyfriend, hoping to turn him gay) catch up with her. And it's brain damage that causes her to hallucinate Christ telling her to fuck him. When the heroine "needs" abortion to undo the consequences of unprotected sex she chose to engage in, she considers it, despite protesting outside a planned parenthood clinic earlier. She doesn't go for it - That might offend Christians TOO much, keep them from buying tickets. Instead the film portrays the heroine's choice to raise this child without God and surrounded by bad influences as a happy ending for everyone.

And this work of anti-Christian propaganda effortlessly hides in plain sight within the "Comedy" and "Teen movie" categories. It raised no red flags. Nobody saw this and called it "something controversial that goes too far" because that's how far the Overton Window has been pushed. The gays get together, the new atheists befriend the jew, and the child will grow up without God surrounded by Christians the audience has been programmed to see as at best idiots, and at worst malicious lunatics who'll change for the better and abandon all that they are if pushed far enough. It's genius, and I hate it.

How could anyone possibly create a work of positive propaganda as effective as this? If some fucking demon-worshipper out there views white children as parasites and loves the idea of mothers sacrificing their kids for their career, how is a short fantasy story about a man getting isekai'd and marrying a hot elf woman only for the son they lovingly raise to be the chosen one who defeats the evil and saves the realm supposed to help anyone?
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.348241
>give fequestria fic an original setting
>no more overcomplicated shit to explain like PipBucks, Laser Weapons, the shizofucked tech levels, kkat's retarded cognitive dissonance history where liberalism ruins two races only to magically pull equestrians out of niggerish muck once a sufficiently libtarded bitch starts murderhoboing about it
>hero was born into one underground shelter 80 years after the bombs dropped with no idea if others exist outside these walls, no idea what happened to make nukes fly, and no idea what the outside world is like due to censorship
>suddenly the early chapters are a lot smoother because if nobody knows anything nobody can infodump lore
Making the hero a lion man was fucking stupid. Who wants a lion to be free?
But everyone loves dogs. The urge to avoid seeming like a zootopia or beastars ripoff is stupid. Time to make the hero a dog.
Perhaps the hero should be a dog-man, in an apartment with many canine roommates. Each one can explore the themes and ideas of the story in a different way, as society says all of these hard-working and fundamentally good dogs are failures for not being what the ruling class wants. Each one did his best and was punished for it by society. Each one has a reason to want a better life than their anti-canine society will ever give them. The audience should love these guys and want them to succeed before some inciting incident forces these guys to choose death on the spot or fighting for their lives. The latter is chosen and violence ensues.
Had this idea where after training for years and making homemade weaponry they break into a work camp gulag to free everyone there, getting an army while reuniting families. Then they march on the capital at the highest floor in the vault and overthrow it for good. Not sure where I can fit in "The heroes go to a based white micronation ethnostate to join a militia for training and they each get a based wife to impregnate".

Feels like there should be a traitor in their group, someone who would sell out others for a better life only to die for it. Movies usually do that if they don't make the traitor feel bad and undo his treason later.

If the hero is a prostitute he gets to fuck bitches onscreen which makes this story mature, and he gets screentime with awful rich bitches the audience should hate. Can also contrast his routine fucking of bitches with his genuine lovemaking when he's got someone he truly cares about. But if he's forced into literally whoring himself out by the economy to survive, before he moves to a better place, would that ruin his character?
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.348429
348439 348444 348891
In your opinion, have good fanfics ever existed?
Anonymous
a3d04dc
?
No.348439
348454
>>348429
Nope
Anonymous
3411668
?
No.348444
348454
6433888.png
>>348429
Yes.
Most are mediocre at best though.
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.348454
348887 348889
>>348444
What are some good fanfics, then? What do they do right?
>>348439
I think you're right. What do mainstream bronies on normie sites point to when asked about "the good" fanfics? They point to shit they probably never read like Fallout Equestria.
Anonymous
4a31842
?
No.348864
A thought occurs.
All the libtards that rageclicked the fanfic to search for things to complain about...
They could have been shown all sorts of hilarious shit during this story or flashbacks in the middle of the story.
Anonymous
88c32d9
?
No.348887
>>348454
Keepers of discord, I remember as good but a 1k story called Sandbox (ft. Sunset, Twi, Cadance) is also good. The word good means, in my world 6/10 as in not great but above average. Maybe that's not what one thinks of on an intuitive plane though.
Anonymous
35fe0fe
?
No.348889
348890 348894
>>348454
Imo, a story loses all credibility when attached to a franchise; this goes for Star Wars, DnD, Star Trek, Halo, etc. And yes of course ponies.
Ponies do not make a story good; a story must be good independent of ponies, which then evokes the inquiry of why ponies?.
Anonymous
9f5a4f9
?
No.348890
348894
>>348889
>why ponies?
Because I like ponies.
Simple as.
Anonymous
9f5a4f9
?
No.348891
>>348429
Yes. A lot of the best content in the FiM fandom is fan content.
Anonymous
dd7f0d5
?
No.348894
>>348889
Correct. You do get to see more about a franchise you liked tho, if you actually happen to enjoy the fic of course.
>>348890
If it's fun for you, that should be enough.
Anonymous
4a31842
?
No.349581
>The mind is a terrible thing to waste
Writer appreciation time.
At 6:46 the video on the psychics details The Mastermind, a brain in a tank.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sydlO9EdY-I
It's a goofy concept. A tank in a brain that psychically fucks with you. Very retrofuture. Like rayguns and thunderbolt-spitting tesla tanks. I could see Flash Gordon or Batman fighting this.
But this brief bit of backstories paints the brains in tanks as something horrifying.
Something unnatural.
Something worth talking about for reasons beside its gameplay effect without overlooking it.
There's a brain in a tank made from the brains of many people, and it's fucked up.
The experimentation never ends, not even in death.
Brains in a jar were in Fallout Equestria because they are enemies in Fallout to shoot at and be shot by.
No deep story was told here. No mystery. Littlepip is not answering a call for help from a voice on the PA system that turns out to be a brain in a jar eager to betray her. Littlepip does not explore a facility learning the secrets of "brain in a jar on a roomba with a gun" construction while vomiting and learning "volunteer" experimentation candidates included homosexuals, sociopaths in the military, POWs, the elderly, the incurably insane, assorted state dependents, peace protestors, unpeaceful protestors, and other undesirables.
These robobrains were not kind cute little ponies turned bad by science gone wrong. This was not a failed attempt to cure the disabled with robotic bodies or get injured soldiers back on the front lines despite zebra potion-induced multiple organ failure leabing them with nothing but brains.
Littlepip does not try to save or cure the robobrains or go out of her way to put them out of their misery and hunt them down wherever she hears rumors of them roaming.
These are just targets that popped up in her shooting gallery. She acts like a completionist gamer detatched from the game's reality when the author doesn't want maudlin scenes of overemotional sobbing.
But the brain tanks don't need maudlin sobbing to get the point across.
These psychic guys are fucked up. It's just enough of a reminder of the darkness and edge behind all the fun goofy alt history future tech RTS game.
Anonymous
4a31842
?
No.349848
Does fimfic's rule that MLPFIM fanfictions must have something to do with the characters or world of FIM at the time of uploading negatively restrict the types of stories that can be uploaded?
If I wanted a story on there featuring OCs in another world, and Twilight won't show up in their world until chapter 7, chapter 1 would need some microscene where Twilight shows up and exists for a bit just to reassure the audience that she is in this story and will eventually get meaningful screentime.
Or I could prewrite the whole thing and then upload it. But what typical brony would read 12k word of not ponies just to get to the part where Twilight shows up?
Anonymous
4a31842
?
No.350123
>book lover friend proofreads story
>calls my political biases too obvious
>calls my handling of political issues too one sided and clunky
>complains about length of time characters spend preaching truth to liars and retards
>stops reading before getting to the jew stuff because my handling of monarchies was "that bad"
"My old writing was worse about that"
>"Then I'm glad you didn't show me your old writing"

Guys how do you write about a good prince* of a good kingdom ruled by his evil retard father who must be overthrown for his jewery without being obvious about it?

*I'm doing the Sokka thing where he starts off dumb and grows
Anonymous
34e6069
?
No.350309
horsefucker.png

Anonymous
fe0bceb
?
No.350495
350729 350803
Maybe the biggest problem with Fallout Equestria Lionheart is that its overtly political nature turns away tards just here for more Fallout Equestria inspired bang bang shooty wangst maudlin "just like in Fallout 3!" funtimes.

And when the story takes the side of workers instead of authoritarian weaklings who outnumber the good, that political bias is too overt. But it's all too complicated to work.

I need something simpler and less niche. Something approachable that works even if any political angle is ignored. I should construct something simple and understandable out of ideas that have been done before and recontextualize them with their new context.

How's this?

>be ordinary farmboy
"Gee, it sure is boring around here"
>servants of the dark lord attack your farm
>fight them off with your friends, one will eventually betray you for evil and die for that
>lord emperor malbad sent his goons to kill you because the youngest and oldest must die to satisfy strict population controls enforced by a mad king who claims he's doing this for the earth goddess's life force
>there is no earth goddess, only a dragon of light and a dragon of darkness. Malbad claims the light and dark dragon are the same to confuse retards and make them worship earth goddess
>dad just wants to grill and knows nothing but doesnt want to make trouble
>mom thinks working for the enemy will save them
>Mom and Dad swear they complied with all of malbads orders, having no kids and eating no meat and singing no songs and never riding horses, and to save their skins they sell the hero out but they are rewarded as traitors deserve and killed by the goons to show how evil they are
>heroes arrive and save farmboy, tell him he's the sole survivor of a town the villains genocided because prophecy states a hero from there will overthrow evil. Also his parents were faggots who found him in a basket down by the river
>you know, like in Kung Fu Panda 2 or Star Wars but different. Hero is the chosen one
>malbad brainwashed the king of hero's land with dark magic, the only cure is beheading the king
>the hero has an unusual hair and eye colour
>hero's people were the best and fought back the darkness for everyones safety but when the darkness convinced human kingdoms to destroy each other instead of working together the darkness started winning and the hero is the last of a race everyone is raised to revile for being born with naturally blue hair
>many villains dye their hair and bleach their skin and get nose surgery to look more like the heros people but its all fake and they cannot grasp what really made his people able to succeed where others failed
>there is also a cute imaginary fantasy race the heroes must save from the villains by killing the villains. Just in case nobody reading wants to see the heroes save humans, the cute nonhumans need saving too.
>hero has a little sister he didnt know about until now, a princess malbad captured
>he must save her from being married to a splodistani oil merchant and molested before it is too late, any zogbot cop or soldier who gets in his way must be beheaded and to say otherwise would enable rape
>it's okay to kill cops when they get in the way of saving kids, metal gear rising said so
>malbad also summons demons to overrun the heroes land, they must perish because they contribute no value and only rape and consume and breed mostly through rape, they must be slaughtered for their sins and chased back into hell from whence they came
>in some scenes heroes read the villains cult's bible of darkness and laugh together at all the weird gay shit irl villains actually believe. Or react with disgust. Depends on the myth.
>heroes reject modernity and embrace tradition to get buff and find the strength to overthrow foreign tyrants and all diseased power structures turned against the heroes by the tyrants
>malbad is malthusian thanosism preached by a diseased old tyrannical cultist with all the worlds dictators working for him and he's draining the earth's life to prolong his own while blaming the negative environmental effects of this and his industry on the heroes people so dipshits will die trying to kill him to please a nonexistent earth goddess while dragon christ facepalms and dragon satan laughs.
>in the final battle Malbad gets FUCKING RIPPED using the power of darkness aka evil magic roids when satan dragon flies into him, but this strength decays quickly because he is not used to fighting or exerting himself, also being penetrated by satan is unnatural and it's destroying his body
>heroes kill the villain, flowers bloom, nature recovers, retards stop believing lies, no more corrupt kings, those genocided by the villains rise from the dead and congratulate the heroes because dark king malbad the megacuntish was draining their life and storing their souls in his magic gem of evil which the heroes broke
>jesus dragon also escaped the crystal and can protect his people again
>hero's real parents say they are proud of him for ending the degeneracy of darkness forever
>everyone throws a big party and the hero kisses his spunky tomboy gf who becomes trad and impregnated
>and the heroes of insertnamehereia lived happily ever after

Is this better than Fallout Equestria Lionheart?
Anonymous
fe0bceb
?
No.350729
350731 350732
>>350495
Am I asking the wrong question?
Anonymous
4128987
?
No.350731
350735
>>350729
Dude, let it go
Anonymous
4128987
?
No.350732
350735
>>350729
And by that, I don't mean 'pretend' to let it go and then come back weeks/months later. It doesn't matter anymore. Just relax.
Anonymous
fe0bceb
?
No.350735
350736
>>350731
>>350732
I don't understand what you're saying. I've moved on from caring about Fallout Equestria, now I'm writing Fire Emblem: Cool Name Pending.
Asking if it's better than Failout Equeerstrionics is probably the wrong question.
I should ask if this FE plot outline properly conveys the right tone and message or if I'm cramming too many ideas into one story again.
Anonymous
4128987
?
No.350736
350790
>>350735
>I dont understand
Credit for consistency
Anonymous
fe0bceb
?
No.350790
350793 350801
>>350736
Instead of smugposting, can you clarify what you mean?
What should I "Let go"? My desire to write and improve my writing?
Should I stop bringing up Fallout Equestria? I can do that.
But why do you only have 3 posts in this thread?
Anonymous
f633e54
?
No.350793
350801 350804
>>350790
Business first.
If you're insistent on writing a FoE fic, that's your choice.
Ask yourself, what are you trying to accomplish. You seem intent on objectives outside of writing a good story. Politics this, redpilling that; nobody reads fics to be proselytized or propogandized at. They read fics because they want MORE authentic content in their preferred genre, since the canon well has dried up.
Gaykat didnt do it right, because he wasnt focused on writing a FIMfic. He wanted to write Fallout with ponies. But ponies are just an element, the source of the fandom is Friendship is Magic. If you want to do something superior, return to the roots. It's okay if the protag has growth to experience, but generally the protag should be the one TEACHING that Friendship is Magic, not he one being taught. THAT is what will.make the protag identifiable, appreciable, and worth rooting for.
We can agree (I hope) that FoE is effectively devoid of anything that made FiM good, paying only lip service to canon characters as stand ins for Fallout characters, places, and circumstances, to promote his self insert mary sue. Did FiM have a mary sue (dont go there about Glimmer)?

As for post counts, Idgaf. You should know by now which one I am, I never change my password and make no illusion of who I am. I'm still rooting for you in my own way, but Imo you need to approach this from a completely different idea if you want to succeed at wat you have set out to do.
Anonymous
ba7d577
?
No.350801
350803
>>350793
>Ask yourself, what are you trying to accomplish. You seem intent on objectives outside of writing a good story. Politics this, redpilling that; nobody reads fics to be proselytized or propogandized at. They read fics because they want MORE authentic content in their preferred genre, since the canon well has dried up.
This. I once read a story which agreed with me on all points but was so ridculous that I didn't care for it.

I experinced this with your, >>350790
, writing as well, were your characters tell the reader about politics instead of having the story prove your point by showing this through the story.
Anonymous
ba7d577
?
No.350803
>>350801
>your characters*
The emphasize should be on the "tell" afterwards.

Anyway, so I read this: >>350495
In a way parts of it is more symbolic rather than explicit dialogue between characters, which makes it more like what I described above.
Though, this greentexted synopsis, is kinda unfocused. It has a plot of stopping the bad guys underneath it but there are so many clear symbolism that stand out.
It's not like this couldn't work but it could use some subtlety.
Anonymous
fe0bceb
?
No.350804
350806
peemeljcmp341.jpg
>>350793
I remember a time when people called Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash mary sues because they were so talented and special and important compared to their friends, as if any of that's a bad thing. It made those people dislike the characters but what would be the point in changing them to be less important and limiting the stories that can be told with them or adding extra importance to Twilight's friends by making Rarity the lost heir of a long gone magical empire and Fluttershy the ultimate doctor? Sueishness is just a collection of traits many well-written excellently handled characters get away with having because they are interesting. People call a character "sue" when it's too much for them but everyone has their own tastes and opinions about this sort of thing. Ma-Rey Sue from nu Star Wars is a dull grey blank slate for self-insertion and is sueish to a degree I'd call satirical if I thought they could write anything that funny on purpose. Silver was an obnoxious cunt and he would have been just as obnoxious a person if he was broke and magicless. Instead of worrying about sueishness I should focus on making my characters entertaining, compelling, gripping, and nuanced. Relatability is a false god, that's what the geniuses behind Avatar The Last Airbender said in their prime.

I'm still writing FIM fanfiction but this writing project about Moses Spyro learning ancient european magical swordplay and rising up with an army to overthrow Senator Armstrong Von Bolt is going to be something original. Trying to shoehorn this original story into ponyland would just get in the way, probably. Making the heroes canon ponies in an alternate timeline and the villain Chrysalis would make things easier for fimfic readers to get but I want this to be a universally appealing story of a hero rising up to destroy evil, not some preachy chick tract about the evils of inflation, fiat currency, rapefugees, gun control, speech control, niggers, and ursury with ponies shoehorned in. My first draft of this story didn't get finished before I noticed it had too many political rants that got in the way of the story and the characters, and not enough scenes of the heroes being people the audience should feel for and root for.
Anonymous
3ea815f
?
No.350806
350820
1574337987799.jpg
>>350804
I am justified to doubt you. But this post is pretty much on point for me. Sounds like something I would actually enjoy a lot.
Anonymous
fe0bceb
?
No.350820
350847
>>350806
I also find it hard to believe anyone could call Twilight or Rainbow too sueish for their tastes. Sure taste is subjective but they are missing the point. It's not any one sue trait that makes a sue, it's when mishandling of that trait harms the story. And even in such a case it's the fact that the trait was mishandled that damaged the story, not the trait itself.
Bad writers will still make bad stories if they think making a good story is as simple as not making obvious mistakes when writing one. They put all their energy into trying to write safe inoffensive content full of safe inoffensive characters because if they tried anything harder they'd make egregiously bad characters and learn nothing from the experience. Dumb fanfiction communities often share delusions about what traits are and are not off limits and how you should and shouldn't write, as if most fanfiction authors are just supposed to avoid writing about original character Eevees/Uchihas/Keyblade Wielders because "They're supposed to be rare". Smart ones don't say gay shit like that. Here's a novel idea for those kingdom hearts fanfiction obsessed losers out there, if they're sick of reading about Harry Potter's Uchiha half-Eevee OC twin sisters maybe instead of telling the fandom to write fewer of them they should read a real book!
People complain about how Fire Emblem Fates had to bend over backwards to justify Corrin the protagonist joining the villains of Darkland and helping them conquer the heroes of Lightopia, constantly making enemies kill themselves or get killed by friends of Corrin to keep his hands clean, or in the worst moments, doing a scene where Corrin slaughters countless enemies only for the subsequent talking scene to insist all of that stabbing, crushing, burning, zapping, and cursing was nonlethal. Corrin's a blank slate for self insertion power fantasies but choices made by the player rarely make sense for the character, and the authors are unwilling to make the conflict morally grey or the story of Evil Corrin or Good Corrin On Team Evil fun. You don't meaningfully reform Darkland or hold it back from going over the edge. They wanted to combine Important Chosen One Lord and Tactician into one character and they didn't want him to be too similar to the previous game's generically heroic Prince Chrom or sarcastic nerdy strategy game-loving book-reading Tactician Robin so they made Corrin as bland as bread and twice as stale and uninteresting. Fates was a mess, a missed opportunity to make something good with these ideas. Fans blame Corrin and call him the worst part of the game even though Peri exists (fuck Peri) but the whole setting's a mess, the writers just weren't doing enough of whatever they snorted when they made Three Houses and Awakening. I still think the Supports system is a bad idea. By making scenes where most possible combinations of characters interact and grow closer skippable unlockable content you waste effort writing shit the reader will only see 10% of and you'll never be able to definitively know where the player is in the game's story and what growth the character has gone through when writing these scenes. Strange characters can't have some relationships where they do get more normal and some where they don't or we end up with Peri style situations where it seems she's only the way she is because she isn't trying hard enough to be normal. Strange characters who get normal can't have their normalcy reflected later. Shy characters will never stop freaking out over nothing and nonhumans who hate humans but fall in love with one will be right back to snapping snippily at humans the next time she starts a conversation with one. Cordelia will always lust for Chrom even if she's married to Robin. Annoying characters will still say "Teehee I love violence" even if their lover told them to cut that shit out. All of this optional growth can't carry on outside the unlockable bonus scenes. These bonus scenes should be written like bonus scenes to compliment character arcs that get to matter outside the bonus scenes.
Anonymous
0e04296
?
No.350847
350852
>>350820
>>>/ub/5970 →
Anonymous
4128987
?
No.350852
>>350847
>>>/sp/20315 →
unrelated question
Anonymous
fe0bceb
?
No.351395
>start fantasy story with how the world was made because FIM did that
>proofreader calls this homosexual
>start story with the protagonist's dream about big titty bitches
>then he wakes up and goes to church and the preacher reminds everyone how the world was made
I'm getting good at this, right?
Anonymous
fe0bceb
?
No.351459
351460
>be farmboy who works on a farm
>have to take a steam train somewhere so something can be overheard on the radio during the trip, before he goes to a shithole city dominated by the enemy far more than his hometown
>he goes back home afterwards
Why does he take the train somewhere?
Anonymous
10d278c
?
No.351460
351465
>>351459
He needs to work a job there to support his family and keep from losing his farm because the world is in a economic crisis.
Anonymous
fe0bceb
?
No.351465
351466
>>351460
But he already works a full-time job doing all the farmwork for his boomerfag adoptive parents. What kind of hard and "demeaning" job could he get (not prostitution) without taking too much time away from the farm?
he has to come back home at the end of the day to see his farm being burned down by servants of the dark lord. he's almost killed only to be rescued by a hero who kills a cop for him and passes him a weapon, forcing him to begin rebelling against tyranny.
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.351466
351469
>>351465
Well if he's that hard up, why is he ruling out prostitution? Seems like he's not in a position to turn down a good offer if he gets one.
Anonymous
fe0bceb
?
No.351467
352693
Am I laying this on too thick?
>be farmboy
>get invite to capital city to meet mysterious author
>with first class train ticket
>enter first class carriage, opulent and sinfully decadent
>karens request your removal
>get stuck in to overcrowded poor carriage full of strangers, standing room only, no seats, only a bucket to piss and shit in
>radio says foreshadowing shit
>get to Whitefall City
>it's smoggy victorian london with a river of shit due to overburdened sewers in the rapefugee infested city
>there are poor doors. Doors for the poor. There is a legless homeless military veteran in danger of freezing to death in the cold. Some foreigners live in bunk beds with strangers struggling to afford rent as they do bottom tier jobs at rock bottom prices or less. Hookers are in the street. Signs warn people not to swim or fish in the shit river
>Tell a normalfag about London while calling it a fictional place and he would call it unrealistic. Might even call it heavy handed symbolism that the browning of London browned the Thames.
>hero wonders if the countryside will ever get as bad as this place. Is this the future he must sacrifice to see? Is it worth it? Is working for this system worth it?
>author turns out to be your childhood friend, now a cute girl
>parents taught her to read and write, she made books and got rich inside the system providing entertainment for the rich
>offers to take you out for a good time and catch up and offers you a job as a butler living with them
>also gives you money to keep your farm afloat for a while
>or if hero's boomer adoptive parents mortgaged the farm away years ago only to waste the cash on cruises while he was left at a friends house at age 4, gives hero what he needs to buy his own house and a farm they cant give to the bank. Hero needs money for later.
>go to restaurant and enjoy nice food
>protags devour like starving animals who might never see good food again
>rich author girl smiles. Almost forgot what that looked like after so much isolation from the poor
>characters talk about shit that happened during their lifetimes, subtly giving the viewer exposition seamlessly
>restaurant explodes, killing nice girl
>a muslim rapefugee who couldnt get laid and wishes he was put in a nicer hotel suicide bombed it with the one muslim invention: a dynamite vest
>I mean an orc performed a dark magic suicide bomb spell. Because he couldnt get laid and wishes he was put in a nicer hotel. It was a nice hotel, he just felt entitled to a better one
>hero was injured but wakes up in a hospital
>cries
>he was about to tell her he always had a crush on her, because he did
>rich parents tell protag to fuck off home and blame him because she would have been at home that day if not for the protagonist hero guy
>hero goes home sad thinking about how evil Orcs are
>radio blames society and white men for not doing enough to make life good enough for the muslims they import
>hero hates Orcs now, his racist catgirl friend was right
>goes home sad
>farm is on fire when he gets home, military force is used
>somebody reported the farm and they're searching it for something illegal
>try surrendering but the cops try to kill you
>get saved by man who kills cops and takes you to based armed christian compound
Anonymous
fe0bceb
?
No.351469
>>351466
At the start of the story the protagonist is too young for me to write him saying yes to any offer he's given.
Perverts living in the nice parts of libtard land away from all the crime, entertaining themselves with degeneracy, might offer him money for sex. But he has to say no. Because he doesn't want to, and because I don't want him to.
Anonymous
bbe96a8
?
No.351614
351641
Combining the smartphone, a device that tracks you and your vitals and your stuff and what you do, a radio, a device that broadcasts establishment voices to the masses, and an arm mounted device that reminds me of a Paroled Criminal's tracker...
That's an interesting idea symbolically, especially if it can't be removed. Some say North Korean propaganda radios can't be turned off and the only TV channels praise their dictator endlessly. Add a credit card, social credit score device, and shock collar all in one and it becomes something even more dystopian. It could taze you for stepping outside the lines, getting too close to some people, eating the wrong things. It could make your food cost more or deny you from purchasing certain kinds of food. Rich cunts with a higher social credit score for their tireless feminine efforts to root out unorthodoxy could abuse the system and demand your removal, "blocking you" irl by getting you banned from public places or making your shock collar beep threateningly if you get too close and zap you if you don't get away quickly enough. A rich rapist could do that to a victim she normally wouldn't be able to physically overpower without the shock collar. Some people feel the weight of the oppression, they're thinking people who try to hide it to fit in. And some retards play smartphone games on their glorified slave collar, wasting their paycheck and time, pacified and domesticated and homogenized and normiefied, oblivious to the world.
If a tool explicitly meant to keep its wearers in line end up jailbreaking its code to get off the grid and use the device against those in charge that's pretty symbolic too. Going outside the system to find justice.
I can't believe Fallout 3 and FE stumbled upon something like this idea accidentally. FE tried doing something by making one horse not want to wear it, despite the lack of downsides and the absurd superpowers it brings, but that was just so the author can suck LP off for being a hyper talented instant expert at everything while pretending it's all due to her overpowered gear and her ass-talent symbol in using a user-friendly cheat device and not plot armour.
I want to call it the M-Brace. Because it sounds like embrace, except it's a nonconsensual one forced onto you by those in power. The government calls their domination of you a loving enbrace. And you'll only see something wrong with the government forcing itself onto you if you're smarter than the average normie.
I hate knowing that if I gave my character an arm mounted computer tards would say "hurr durr your ripping off fallout 4 mY fAvOrItE gAmE".
Anonymous
efde116
?
No.351627
351931 353867 353929
2337194__safe_solo_female_pony_mare_simple+background_earth+pony_transparent+background_hat_ponified_bow_tail+bow_artist-colon-envygirl95_higurashi+n.png
This was my submission for the Iron Author competition at EFNW this year. You can tell from the ending that I ran out of time, but I rather liked what I came up with and was planning on finishing it. I was curious what you guys thought. Also, I didn't win the competition, though I wasn't really expecting to.

https://ponepaste.org/7918
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.351641
351657
>>351614
What does any of this have to do with writing?
Anonymous
bbe96a8
?
No.351657
351668
>>351641
The idea of the pipbuck is perfect for exploring dystopian themes but gay story gayly used it because it was in video gayme.
Then again, maybe I shouldnt put this in my work.
Maybe I should stop trying to write propaganda and just try to write good stories.
Zootopia was close enough to our world to make people relate it to the real world.
Beastars, not so much.
Handjob's Tale takes its distorted view of the right and distorts it further into an incoherent mess. It's there to push the unhinged further left and put a symbol in their programming. When they see the women dress like handjobs tail they say "This is literally like handmaid's tale" instead of "This is literally like Harry Potter".
At its core my story is one of a million third rate monomyth ripoffs. It's fun, but not smart. Propaganda can't work on smart people. Anyone who would be interested in a story where rejecting modernity and embracing tradition is the answer already knows the truth. If my story is about a farmer fighting for justice to overthrow the dictatorship is there any reason that my protag has to go to the capital just to see how awful shit is there? Does the story need to include one obligatory good rich person to contrast all the bad ones, make a side character of her so she can react to stuff normal in the hero's life as a fish out of water? I fucked up my FE story in many ways and one was trying to shoehorn in social issues with all the subtlety and grace of a wokist lecturer. How do I avoid that mistake with this one?
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.351668
351705
>>351657
I actually have a reading assignment for you if you're interested. There's no actual work involved beyond reading a book and it's entirely up to you whether or not you want to do it. However it's probably going to help you a lot more than just asking the same questions over and over again.

Go on Amazon, or if you don't want to buy from them go to whatever your bookstore of preference is, and search for a novel called The Elementary Particles by Michel Houellebecq. It may actually be called Atomization in the UK, I'm not sure. But you should be able to find it easily enough under either of those titles + the author name. It's basically a novel about the negative effects of the sexual revolution: some hippie thot gives birth to two sons and essentially abandons both of them. One grows up to be a sex-crazed incel and the other becomes an emotionally dead but otherwise successful biologist. I'm actually reading it myself at the moment. It's quite good and it struck me as a positive example of the kind of story you seem to be wanting to write. If you have any questions about the novel or would like to open a discussion about it, you're more than welcome to do so.

If you want to get good at anything, a good first step is to find someone who is better than you at it, observe their work, and try to see if you can figure out what they did. One of your many problems is that you just need to find some better inputs. Zootopia was a Pixar cartoon, and I don't know what the hell Beastars is, but I know you've mentioned it before and it sounds like complete fucking autism. I doubt you're going to learn much from either one.

Pick up something well-written and aimed at an adult audience ffs, give it a thoughtful read, and see if you can analyze it and pick out techniques the author used to get his point across.
Anonymous
c1ef9ee
?
No.351705
351930
>>351668
So far this is a really good book, I'm several chapters in. I got it from here https://b-ok.cc/ and while this isn't anything like what I'm trying to write reading more great books should help me improve my writing. Got any recommendations for books where one guy overthrows a government or joins an army or rebellion that overthrows a government? I know there are tons of trashy Y.A. books about that trying to ride the Hunger Games trend but I've never seen one of those as good as Hunger Games and Hunger Games wasn't even that good. Didn't focus enough on socioeconomic disparity and mocking the troonish outfits of the rich cunts, got too distracted by the love triangle.

Beastars is a severely autistic show about a wolf man who wants to fuck a whore rabbit girl, but their instincts and society get in the way, also society's bad. The longer it goes on, the weirder and less focused the writing gets. I don't think the author plans things before writing them. Seems that habit's common with female writers, JK Rowling didn't plan things either. Marauder's Map was made by three teenagers in their spare time, it tracks everyone's location at Hogwarts and shows you their true name. Shapeshift potions and invisibility cloaks don't fool it, not even the invisibility cloak that hid its wearer from death itself. The Weasley Twins Fred and George have the Map. Yet a villain's able to use shapeshift potion to impersonate the guy he has gagged and trapped in his suitcase, plus a traitorous cunt's able to hide out in little boy Ron Weasley's trousers living as his pet rat for years, and these two either never notice any of this or notice and never tell anyone or do anything about it. They don't even joke about how the name of a man their friend knew can be seen sleeping with their kid brother.
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.351930
351944
>>351705
>Got any recommendations for books where one guy overthrows a government or joins an army or rebellion that overthrows a government?
Probably the best thing I can recommend off the top of my head that fits that description is Faith of the Fallen by Terry Goodkind. It's technically the fifth book in a long-running series, but it's mostly a self-contained story so you could probably read it on its own. There might be some events that won't make sense without having read the previous books, but the main story is basically it's own thing. The series overall I think is basically good but kind of hit or miss, but that particular book is pretty well done as I remember. It's up to you whether you want to make the time investment of reading the whole series; you could probably get by with just starting on FotF and googling characters and events if anything confuses you.

Honestly though, even if it's not directly related to the specific type of thing you're trying to write, I really do recommend reading as much as possible, and to aim for higher-quality books. Talented authors have tricks and techniques that they use, and if you read enough of their work you will eventually start to absorb some of those tricks subconsciously. Your instinct to avoid modern YA books is right on the money; I would stick with this attitude. I've never read the Hunger Games books so I can't say if they're good or not, but my guess is that there's probably not much there. If you want to read quality books aimed at younger audiences, older classics are the way to go: the Chronicles of Narnia, The Hobbit, Alice in Wonderland; all of that. Roald Dahl's books are also quite good.

Main thing is just to read, and to read critically whenever possible. If you like something, try to analyze it and figure out why you like it. If you don't like something, try to figure out what the author is doing that irritates you. Probably the single best thing that has helped my writing improve is learning to do this.
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.351931
352047 352749
>>351627
Also, this is me, and in addition to this I'd like to request a read on the first chapter of something else I wrote:

https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/BkAnHiaxs

I've submitted this to the FimFiction thread on /mlp/ as well. Basically, it's a HiE mystery story with Philip Marlowe as the protagonist. Marlowe is the detective from Raymond Chandler's novels.
Anonymous
c1ef9ee
?
No.351944
352099
>>351930
Already read the Legend Of The Seeker/Sword of Truth books and saw the TV show. They're great!
Hunger Games had a little intelligent political commentary but it got swallowed whole by the teenage melodrama love triangle obsession. Poors are controlled with food, out of touch cunts in the Capitol obsess over image and garish tranny tier clothing and trying to out-fancy each other, the loss of child life in the system is more routine than someone actually damaging an eXpEnSiVe TaBlE, each American state that provides something valuable is denied from trading with each other freely and forced to provide for a disgustingly wasteful opulent govt that redistributes wealth as it sees fit(Texas makes x, Wisconsin makes y, Washington makes it difficult), the rich made hunting illegal, reality TV is blatantly rigged for ratings, the protag gets manipulated blindly to the point that she doesn't feel like an active driven protagonist with agency, and is only ever useful as a marketing symbol for the goodies or baddies, the rebellion that takes over stages a false flag bombing attack on children to piss people off and then immediately institute the New Hunger Games to show the rich how it feels to lose children but Catpiss shoots the new president and everything magically wraps itself up on its own, every kid gets their name in a lottery to see who fights in a ripoff of Dreadzone complete with Exterminators but to keep the middle class and poors from uniting poors are forced to enter their kids name into the lottery multiple times for bonus food portions(This part was left out of the movie probably so Catpiss's sister getting selected for Minecraft Hunger Games would feel more random and unfair), all of that's toned down in the movies. And nothing was really done with the political ideas. The baddies are bad because they make kids kill each other for sport, and the new rulers are bad if they also want to do that. But that's too far divorced from reality for anyone who reads it to think critically about their government and what it asks of them. They live under a government that wants them poor and loves making forms of self sufficiency like hunting illegal wherever it can but the target audience of tween girls and women with the brainpower of tween girls will walk away from this thinking "omg peeta and the other one r so cuuute" and everyone else walks away thinking "what a load of boring girly pandering shite". Ideally I'd like those who read my work to walk away thinking about politics instead of "Damn I'm glad I don't live in that world and nothing from there can ever happen here". I think that is what ruined a rough draft I am working on. I showed it to an apolitical writer friend who called it too dark and miserable.
Anonymous
922130f
?
No.352047
352090
>>351931
I read the first chapter of the detective story. It was neat. It's called muffians of madness which sounds like mountains of madness and the premise is reminicent of the prompt I made in one of my prompts threads. You said you made one for that thread, is this it? I must admit that I almost don't see it due to how it feels right now like a normal detective story rathar than a cosmic horror kinda deal. This is something I think is cool.
Anonymous
c1ef9ee
?
No.352078
>write opening chapter where hero's adoptive parents are abusive cunts
Pro writer friend: "Why is the hero fighting to save a world that's only ever treated him and his friends like shit? Why is he willing to believe the wise old wizard when he says hero's people used to be better before the Goblins took over?"
>hero does hours of farmwork while ranting to himself
Writer: please shorten this
>hero volunteers at church orphanage and argues with atheist cunts who dont help kids and only come here to insult christians and demand debates
Writer: ew no religion is cringe. You can't make the state religion evil and the oppressed religion good! You should make all religion evil because it's normal for media to do that.
>orcniggers break into hero's house and rape hero's adoptive mom when he's buying groceries
Writer friend: "You should make her and her husband less detestable so people won't cheer for the Orcs"

I knew I went too far with this.
I should add more not-evil old people and make the hero's parents decent people overall who are just too dumb and cowardly to notice you can't comply your way out of tyranny. Abusive obese alcoholic smoker dad will be changed to not throw beer bottles or insult his wife and mom will be changed from a narcissistic karen who insults her kid to a dozy cow. He knows redpilling these dumbfuck cuckservatives is impossible but at least they're not libtards. They're not evil, they're just not good enough to be heroes, so they don't rebel against tyranny.

Also I'm cutting the "hero gets cash for his farm, it burns, he hires mercenaries" idea. Hero should be dirt broke and hiring sellswords isn't as heroic as befriending fellow heroes and rising up.

Am I on the right track?
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.352090
canterlot_city_by_plainoasis_dbjfyyp.jpg
>>352047
>You said you made one for that thread, is this it?
Yeah, this is the one I was hinting at. I thought about posting it in that thread, but at this point my idea has diverged far enough from the prompt to where it didn't feel appropriate there. My story doesn't involve Trottingham, the protagonist doesn't ultimately end up in a nuthouse, and I didn't end up using Anon as the detective. I started out with Anon, but after awhile I basically realized I was just writing him as a blatant Philip Marlowe caricature. So I decided to just make Marlowe the actual protagonist and call it a crossover. Because of some specifics of the plot I decided Canterlot would work better as a setting than Trottingham. Also, ever since I came across this image I've been wanting to do a Canterlot story that uses this idea of the city as a model.

> I must admit that I almost don't see it due to how it feels right now like a normal detective story rathar than a cosmic horror kinda deal.
There actually is going to be some cosmic horror stuff, but it won't be coming in until a bit later. Right now I have the chapter you read, a draft of Chapter 2, and an outline of events through Chapter 5. I'll continue posting it here as I go.

>It's called muffians of madness which sounds like mountains of madness
Yep, you guessed it. A friend of mine actually bought an HP Lovecraft-themed cookbook, and there was a recipe in there called "the muffins of madness." It was too perfect not to use as a title for a Derpy story.
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.352099
352132
1607032245399.png
>>351944
>Already read the Legend Of The Seeker/Sword of Truth books and saw the TV show. They're great!
I may have actually recommended them to you before, now that I think about it. In any case, I'm glad you enjoyed them. If I think of anything else that specifically involves an uprising or a rebellion I'll let you know. Incidentally, while it's still kind of a non-sequitur as far as what we were actually discussing, you make a fairly articulate critique of the Hunger Games novels here. You clearly articulate what you liked about the novels, what you didn't like, and where you thought the movies missed the point. Nicely done; this is exactly what I mean when I say you should learn to read critically.

>Ideally I'd like those who read my work to walk away thinking about politics instead of "Damn I'm glad I don't live in that world and nothing from there can ever happen here".
Best advice I can give you here would be to stop trying to overtly force the reader to see a particular point of view. Trying to write a preachy political fable is almost always a bad idea; people can usually see through it and will be annoyed that you're trying to preach to them, regardless of the message. This goes double if you're trying to directly challenge what they already believe.

The best social-commentary stories are the ones that don't try to drag the reader in any particular direction. Instead, they take a sympathetic, relatable character and present whatever social situation they want to make a commentary on through that character's eyes. The focus is ALWAYS on the character's direct experiences in the world, and NEVER a top-down lecture on the setting's macro-problems. That's what I was hoping you'd see when I recommended the Houellebecq novel to you. It's a commentary on a very broad, world-level problem: sexual promiscuity, materialism, consumer culture, atheism and individualism have combined to create a world of atomized, love-starved hedonists for whom thinking up reasons not to blow their brains out is a legitimate daily struggle. However, it presents this problem directly from the perspective of the two main characters, rather than from a broad macro view. Moreover, it never explicitly tries to moralize. The narration is intentionally cold and detached; it just shows you what the world looks like through the eyes of these two characters, and leaves you to draw your own conclusions from what you've read.

I have another reading assignment for you if you're interested. Check out The Jungle by Upton Sinclair. This one is interesting for different reasons. Sinclair was a rabid Socialist, the story is an overt left-wing political fable, and he makes no effort to disguise it as anything else. However, 75% of the novel is a prime example of what a well-written political fable can look like (the 25% of it that isn't I'll address in a minute).

The story focuses on an immigrant from some Eastern European shithole, who comes to America for a better life and blah blah blah. He ends up working in a slaughterhouse for long hours under horrible conditions, gets repeatedly exploited in various horrible ways, loses his entire family to various levels of horrible exploitation, and blah blah blah; he just generally has an awful time of it. Sinclair's actual occupation was journalism, and the story is a well-researched and accurate portrayal of what working conditions were like in industrial cities around the turn of the previous century. It's an effective story because it makes its case for Socialism by showing the reader the sort of horrible conditions an average worker had to endure at that time. The reader can easily place themselves in the character's shoes and sympathize.

The point where the story goes off the rails and straight up an elephant's butthole occurs (iirc) about three quarters of the way through. The protagonist winds up at a Socialist Party meeting, and the author makes the unfortunate decision to turn this scene into an overt and LOOOOOOOOOOONG lecture on Socialism. Sinclair does everything I regularly advise you guys not to do: he takes all of the dry, staid, tedious, academic principles of Socialist thought, writes them out as huge block paragraphs, and dumps said paragraphs into the mouth of one of his characters, in this case the lady who is running the Socialist party meeting. When I had to write an essay on this book in college, I remember that I just straight up admitted that I'd skipped over this entire section of text because it was boring as fuck. It's worth noting that at the time, my political views were still more or less left-leaning and I didn't object to Socialism as a concept. Think about it: if your writing can't even hold the attention of someone who is basically sympathetic to your point of view, how much luck do you think you'll have convincing someone who is actively hostile to it?

The novel is well written overall, but that whole section of text is basically the 19th century equivalent of Starlight Glimmer Gets the Everloving Shit Kicked out of Her by Silver "I Literally Use my Ponut to Crack Open Watermelons" Star. Thus, I think The Jungle would be a good study for you: it simultaneously demonstrates how to write good social commentary, as well as how not to write it.

Incidentally, it's also worth noting that Sinclair ultimately achieved the wrong goal. The novel didn't accomplish much in terms of converting people to socialism; however, the graphic depictions of all the gross shit that took place in meat packing plants prompted a huge public outcry and led to stricter government health regulations for the pork industry. That's the other lesson about political fables: even a good writer has no actual power over the hearts and minds of his readers, and you can't force anyone to think anything. All you can do is present the world as you see it and hope you end up connecting with someone.
Anonymous
c1ef9ee
?
No.352132
>>352099
I'll read that meat story when I'm done with Holybbq's.
One sided political lectures are always gay. Was it gayer than the John Galt shit? I read that over a decade ago and I remember little of it.
Would it have improved the story and its effectiveness as propaganda if the most important aspects that political lecture wanted to say was instead conveyed through a brief speech the protag and a cunt heard, followed by a political argument between the righteous hero and the cunt? The author could make the cunt a poor defender of capitalism by giving him the IQ of a socialist's useful idiot.
Perhaps the only socialists in the story could be its only good people, and they could have a sentence or two of pro socialist thought now and then. Hero needs charity? "Well it would be wrong for me to hoard this wealth so here you go". Hero needs a place to stay? "Sure, crash on my couch. It would be cruel of me to make you freeze and starve on the street between an anti homeless gay rock and the spiked areas of condos with poor doors. You know in soviet russia they forced rich men to share their mansions with many poor families". Conveniently leaving out the downsides and pretending socialism is a nice thing socialists volunteer to do, when their tyrannical coercive rule is really anything but voluntary.
Or there could be a scene where the hero asks his evil boss for a wage and the ugly mean boss makes a brief sound defense of capitalism designed to make him sound callous and hypocrirical. Like that niggery propaganda movie about black slaves in white america, where a smug rich prick said "If we free the black slaves, we will become poorer and become their slaves" while dining on fine food. The filmmaker wanted the audience to hate him but when you think of all those white labourers struggling to afford living and working just to fund the government's love of funding jobless niggers and helping them breed, was he really wrong?

One scene I wrote was complimented by the proofreader who said other scenes need editing.

>be in merchant caravan ridding in horsed carriage in long trail
>suddenly the wagon stops
>libtards are blocking the road illegally
"Why the fuck are they sitting in the road" hero asks
"They know we won't trample them to death. They love exploiting our better nature like that". Merchant says. "They don't like that we ride horses because they think horse poop is bad for the environment, we dont let our animals rest enough, and horses eating grass is bad for nature."
"But all these horses waiting here will shit more on the roads. This is prolonging their journey, which makes our horses wait longer before they can properly rest without packs on their backs. These dangerous roads are full of bandits, who are they to make us stay outside when their government tells us to stay inside? And a horse eating grass IS nature!" Hero says.
"Annoying, right? A child could see the holes in their logic. But they can't, because they don't think."
"This can't be legal."
"Sure, but the right to violate the law however they see fit is their privilege, not ours. Their people are in charge, not ours. And their idea of justice is whatever it needs to be to benefit them in the moment."
"This is fucked."
>heroes have to wait an hour standing around while their horses shit and piss
>cop shows up to tell the road blockers "let me know if you need anything"
>heroes fantasize about leaving these libtards standing face down in a ditch to solve the problem
>eventually someone in the wagon trail solves the problem with violence
Hero is shocked at the efficient brutality.
"Fucking finally!" Merchant yells, flooring it now that the motorway isnt blocked- I mean flicking the reins to make the horse go.
Hero wonders if this is what it takes to survive if the enemy won't let you.
Anonymous
c1ef9ee
?
No.352213
>make protagonist blue eyed and blonde haired man in black jacket
proofreader: "He looks like a nazi"
>make protagonist blue haired and golden eyed man in blue jacket
proofreader: "he's like the ukraine flag!"
>make protagonist blue haired and golden eyed man in red jacket
>wait fuck his enemies are supposed to wear red and black because they're red demons and the "red tide" of communist antifa terrorists
>can't make the sides red vs blue because red is republican AND communist while blue is democrat

Fuck this is hard. What do I do?
Anonymous
c1ef9ee
?
No.352361
Finished The Elementary Particles. Definitely something I'd recommend to others. I hope this helps my writing.

Already finished Roald Dahl, Hobbit, some of LOTR (nowhere near finished yet), Alice in Wonderland, and Chronicles of Narnia (Based brilliance, I love the way everyone goes to heaven. funny how feministards complained about the woman "obsessed with the most complicated time in her life" didn't go to heaven. She didn't go to heaven because she didn't die in Narnia! If anything they should complain she's too feminine to accurately remember experiences she lived through, writing off all Narnia memories as nonsense that never happened because they don't fit into her delusional self-image, like a college whore choosing to believe she was raped because it's easier on her self esteem than admitting she drunkenly and desperately threw herself at someone she considers low-status sober)

As for the outfits question I decided to make the heroes wear whatever colour they want while the villain footsoldiers wear black and the rulers wear ugly shit. The hero wears white, but not too much of it. Tons of character casts have different aesthetics or primary colours and one colour or other visual motif unifying them enough to make them feel like they're part of the same set when they're supposed to be. If the black hat white hat thing works for cowboy movies it'll work here. Villains are conformists who pretend to be nonconformists, the heroes are real nonconformists.

Gurren Lagann did this thing where the protagonist Simon is a timid boy who gets all his motivation and ideology from Kamina, who's perfection in human form. Mostly.
Kamina has so much charisma and confidence first-time watchers might not notice he's a platitude-spouting reckless moron, or appreciate that he chooses to be that way no matter how terrified he gets so he can inspire Simon. Simon doesn't need another clear thinker, he needs a leader and his brigade needs a symbol. He turns out to be always right and the audience is always on his side.
I should give the protagonist of my story someone like that, right?
If he got his hands dirty fighting evil long before the hero got involved, it would also give this story the sense that things happen even when offscreen and things have been happening before the day the story started.
He could die for the hero and pass the metaphorical torch on to him when he's ready to replace him. Or sooner. Perhaps literally pass the obligatory important macguffin to him in the process.
Anonymous
ed56f0c
?
No.352489
>be raised by loving farmers
>because the draft where you have a drunken bastard smoker weedloving druggie cuckservative father and narcissistic libtard mother was too dark
>have dreams where based ghost dad raises you and tells you where to go to learn the truth
>be descended from magical supermen you knew nothing about, have little reason to care when you find their ruins and mass graves, suddenly develop sick powers from turning out to be the last one, learn their kung fu from a ripped old man
This isn't sad enough.
I can feel it. This needs to be sadder for anyone to give a shit.
I need to make this sadder.
Anonymous
ed56f0c
?
No.352504
352672
>be 9 year old farmboy and only guy in village with unusual unnatural cool eye colour and hair dyed a normal colour from its usual unnatural colour
>isolated from village and loathed for unknown reason
>parents can't talk about it
>nobody can talk about it without getting arrested
>children guess the reason why you are loathed, assume you deserve the hate and bring misfortune wherever you go
>rich family's boy spreads revisionist propaganda: The protagonist's people attempted an insurrection to take over the village and they were executed for it
>sneak into some manly warrior ceremony meant to be for teenage boys to risk death hunting in pairs in the forest to officially become men
>think this will get the villages respect
>your 12 year old partner tries to kill you so he will be beloved by the village even though you are of the same race and he is also an outsider but not as much of an outsider as you
>kill him in self defense uaing your hidden power
>village wants your head
village elder: ENOUGH!
>village elder tells village the truth:
"Strike me down or turn me in for telling the truth if you must, but I will be heard. Fourty years ago, a fortune teller said a boy destined to overthrow the Mad King would be born in the year the moon bled. Nine years ago, there was a lunar eclipse. So the army was sent out to kidnap everyone's children and indoctrinate them with lies and draft them into the Mad King's forces. InsertProtagonistNameHere's parents hid their boy with a pair of farmers before fighting to save the children of this village. They failed, and because they fought back, they were forced to watch as the kids were killed in front of them until there were no kids from this village left to kill. Then they were killed. This boy... did nothing wrong. His people did nothing wrong. He was born into a world that hated him and his people as the Mad King wanted. This boy's people never stopped trying to do the right thing. All of us spit on the sacrifices of the past when we allow the rich to rewrite history and make us hate each other when we should hate the greedy little Goblins in charge".

After that day the village treated protagonist better

Timeskip

Hero is 15, eventually becomes 16 halfway through the story
Hero has a totally normal girlfriend
His village is attacked by Feds because somebody snitched to the feds
Hero's girlfriend is killed
Taxpayer funded military force is used to slaughter innocents while the media campaigns paint this helpless place as a mad cult that deserved worse
Hero is angry and joins a militia to overthrow the government

Am I on the right track?
Anonymous
ed56f0c
?
No.352672
>>352504
Guys I'm not sure about that opener. It seems like something you'd find in Naruto. Good kid hated by the village for something he can't control just wants their love and respect? Sure the circumstances are different, there's no monster sealed inside the protag, he's just a child blamed for the genocide of his people because his parents ensured he survived it despite dying trying to prevent it. I get that everything has to be turned up to 11 for the average reader to get it but maybe I should turn it down to 8 or 9 instead somehow. He definitely meets nicer people when he's older and volunteering for charity work.

I'm definitely adding a bit where he saves the life of a cute little wolf girl stuck in a bear trap that would have killed her. He heals her using his hidden power, which I changed from a lethal light laserbeam to holy healing hands. She runs the second he saves her, then when his partner betrays him and tries to kill him, she rushes in to kill the traitor and save her savior because she was watching him from afar.
sage
Anonymous
66651ba
?
No.352693
352745
>>351467
>Am I laying this on too thick?
yes
also muslim-bombings are like school-shootings, they hit the news but rarely happen
Anonymous
ed56f0c
?
No.352745
>>352693
If I'm introducing a character who's not poor and starving I need some kind of reason why that character can't or won't send supplies to starving friends. Plus if the protag just walks past a kid yelling "Extra, extra, read all about it! 24 kids and 14 women are among those wounded or killed by another Muslim suicide bomber!" would the audience give a shit? The Mudbombs have to kill a character the audience cares about. The era of people crying in Star Wars 1 theatres on opening night because some planet they knew nothing about got blown up by the Death Star is over, movies were made to try and get people to give a shit about the places and cultures and people killed by the Empire's rise and barely anyone gave two shits anyway.

Acts of Islamic violence against humanity rarely hit the news but they regularly happen.

I understand that we live in a world that's used to horrible things happening. But if even one Muslim bombing, gang rape, or machete attack happens in this country that's too many. One instance of British cops siding with Muslims over Brits and their raped children would be too many. There are many cases of this happening, too many.
I understand that a society that allows alcohol will have drunk drivers if the punishments for drunk driving aren't severe enough, but Muslims worship a literal pedophile who rallied retards to kill and rape and infiltrate and subvert and lie and terrorize in his name.

Fundamentally, Islam is incompatible with the Christian ideals of western society and the "enlightenment ideals" of Atheist society, yet Atheists suck Muslim and Jew cock because they're terrified by evil and amused by familiarity. The Atheist thinks he can reap the benefits of life in a mostly Christian society no matter how much degeneracy he engages in or encourages. He thinks his Christian values are "universal" and "humanist" and equally respected by all cultures.
It's a shame the Muslims who stole land from the Christians are having their stolen land stolen by the Jews, but if any of their Islamic behaviour was motivated by anything done to them by external forces rather than a result of who they are and what barbaric pro-pedophilia nonsense they choose to believe, they would exclusively target Jews and Jewish infrastructure with their suicide bombings and "peaceful" attacks instead of allying with Jews and their pet Feminists against whites and their Western Civilization.

Muslims are evil. They worship a pedophile who promises his followers an isolated "Heaven" with child brides to rape.

Muslims are pathetic. Despite following none of the laws of civilized society they expect to be as protected from criticism and their victims as the Jews. They dish out all sorts of abuse but they cannot take any back without crying and running to a white cop or pedophile muslim cop to beg for help and bring down the authoritarian leftist anarcho-tyrannical state's hammer necessary for subjugating the white man. Without white cops and ddievershitty hire muslim cops, muslim gang problems would be easily solvable when the parents of raped/murdered kids with nothing left to live for remember how to use knives and make 3D printed guns. Muslims are cruel when you are powerless and terrified into begging for mercy and hiding their evil nature when you are free.

Muslims are morons. There is nothing of value in the Quran intellectually, spiritually, or morally. There is no "science" in the Quran. There is no "Intellectualism" in Muslim apologists, you'd have better luck finding intellectualism in Communists. Whites invented everything except the Islamic dynamite vest.

Muslims are hypocrites. Their religion forbids men from fucking men yet they're fucking gay and in love with fucking little boys. Ask a soldier about the gay shit they saw, the gay pedo shit they saw, the straight pedo shit they saw. Most of them saw gay and gay pedo shit. If they're even willing to talk about what they saw without being terrified of "seeming racist" and losing everything.

Muslims are backstabbers. Anyone proposing an alliance between white men and Muslims ignores the fact that Muslims come here for white kids, not for the heads of Jews. Palestine isn't even an afterthought when they traffic and drug and rape white kids in jew-controlled white lands.

Muslims are evil, pathetic, cowardly, violent, dishonest, rapey, and fucking hilariously stupid. They think the sun sets on earth in a muddy spring to "get shiny". https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAc8fgZmMzA

Before I knew about Jews I used to shove this in people's faces to check if they're human or pedophiles. https://www.thereligionofpeace.com/ Pedophiles play damage control for the pedo religion, humans are so rightfully disgusted by it that even those with a lifetime of leftist programming start to think maybe, just maybe, this shit is too much and dievershitty isn't worth it.

Muslims are a problem for white civilization, and Jews are the reason why these problems are brought here and allowed to get away with acting like Pedo Mo, the dead barbarian child-bride-having kidfucker warmonger they worship, idolize, emulate, and name their children after. There are no good Muslims, only explodey arabians who don't have the balls to leave their religion of evil and get hated by their parents and the islamic community. They also lack the IQ necessary to notice they're the only religion that pulls this shit and there are ex-muslim communities that would be happy to have more ex-muslim friends.
Anonymous
ed56f0c
?
No.352748
Anyway, you know how some foreign sweatshop workers are given drugs to keep them working, fucking pills instead of food and food breaks, maybe even addictive drugs to keep them coming back even if they want to quit?

That's not something you're likely to see in a fantasy setting. It's too dark and realistic to be something that makes you say "Holy shit, that's so cool!"

Arcane took inspiration from real world drugs and the themes of its story when making Shimmer, they made it cool enough to fit in a fantasy story and deep enough to tie into the story's themes. It's not some preachy anti-drug PSA yet it still manages to show recreational drug abuse as something devastating to society because it is.

Arcane features Shimmer, a drug used to gain the raw physical power needed to become strong enough for the dangerous world of the Undercity. It cranks everything up to 11, because the Undercity's all about that. Even the scientist guy from the Undercity is all "These dangerous crystals stabilize at high frequencies! Don't try to dampen the crystals, CRANK IT!". Shimmer is what the Undercity is at its worst, the external force that brings out the worst in you. Shimmer is corrupting, it's addictive, it's power. And it's Silco's. His idea of a free Undercity is a drug-addicted shithole governed by drug kingpins, a hellhole full of raves and whorehouses and massive income inequality, and his idea of a healthy adopted daughter is an isolated violent delusional tortured traumatized chaos gremlin even he struggles to control. His dying act is trying to remove her freedom to choose, getting shot for trying to shoot her sister during a scene where she isn't sure whether to choose her sister or Silco. He's a cunt and his talk of all of this being necessary and how he was doing all of this for freedom falls flat when he's willing to give it all up for his daughter and when compared to Ekko's Firelights and their beautiful SolarPunk home. Silco's a great villain and a nuanced fuckup doing his best no matter what it costs him or others. Even in scenes where he isn't present, if his drug or his influence on his city or the character he has influenced are there, he feels present. This poisonous artificial corrupting chemical substance is his influence, the corrupting nature of power and reliance on it, it's power and his ideology's obsession with it.

They could have just given Silco multiple generic drugs with fantasy names, but they decided to make it one drug, his drug, while doing something that matches the "ChemPunk and SteamPunk and MagicPunk clashing" aesthetic of its setting. League of Legends' setting and story was always a meme, the game is called LOL and it was going to get subtitles sometimes like LOL: Wizard Thief Fighter (WTF) and Pirates With Ninjas (PWN) before someone realized that was retarded, it's a kitchen sink where they just dump shit in. There's a good fantasy kingdom and a bad fantasy kingdom and a pirate place and a ninja place and an Egyptian desert place and a frozen norse place and more. And those responsible for the show managed to create what feels like a cohesive world out of these clashing aesthetics and time periods and cliches and subverted cliches. It's incredible. They took one of a million third rate lolsorandum teehee explosions bootleg Deadpool/Harley Quinn wannabes and created a character leagues better than Harley Quinn ever was, because while a dumb bitch in love with her abuser is sad (and her becoming a "feminist icon of female empowerment" is fucking boring) this broken little girl from a family she broke in a broken world that also broke her first family is even sadder.

I want to put something like that in my story, some kind of super steroid that numbs the mind and soul and enhances the body, something the protagonist's people are forced to take to survive as they're worked to death by the demons in charge. Perhaps a drug that keeps them from developing magic and the capacity to use it to resist, kills their connection to God and the spirits of their ancestors, and stops them from vomiting with disgust at the shit state of the world and hating those responsible. Perhaps a drug that helps them relive happy memories or lucid dream and fantasize isekai escapist rebel-fantasy YA stuff. I don't care if someone writes it off as a ripoff of Shimmer or We Happy Few's Joy or Code Geass's Refrain. There are probably more than a million fantasy drugs out there based on real ones and fantasy drugs designed to represent complex societal problems.
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.352749
352793 353029 353269
>>351931
Forgot to post it here, but Chapter 2 is available if anyone wants to read:
https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/HyWD7YKbi
Anonymous
ed56f0c
?
No.352792
Spoilered
Proofreader said my drug storyline was too dark and the protags should never do drugs willingly if they're going to lead an army against degeneracy.

Beastars definitely mishandles the idea of drugs. We don't give a shit about Riz the Grizzly Bear until he's revealed to be the killer that started this shizophrenic clusterfuck of a plot, and we don't give a shit about the muscle weakening headache inducing drugs he is supposed to take or how honey helps with the symptoms because we don't learn he's supposed to take these pills until after we learn he chose to stop taking them once he formed a relationship with a guy, accidentally injured him by not being on the pills, and ate for rejecting him after the injury. Maybe if all carnivores were forced to take pills like that including carnivores the audience gives a shit about? Or recommended to take these pills to help them fit into herbivore society, and forced to take them or worse ones that destroy their minds and bodies if they ever break the law? The pills could be a metaphor for how society and its lies hold you back. Its military could be allowed to eat meat and reject the pills as a metaphor for how society relies on strong men despite hating them. Its hypocritical police force could be above the pill and meat laws too, perhaps.

Perhaps if the spectre of chemical castration with extra steps always loomed over the heads of all carnivores even the heroes it would have been too dark. But then what's the point in bringing up drugs if you're not going to dark places with them? Fallout made drugs videogame powerups with a cost: Addictions aka stat penalties that go away over time or can be removed if you take the time to take a trip to any doctor and get your addictions cured. The punishment is time loss in games with a time limit. F3 removed the time limit because BugthEAsderp is faggoted and FNV was better without a time limit but despite Fallout Equestria's attempt to make a fucking arc out of Party Time Mint-Als addiction the author wasn't smart enough to do it right himself or well-read enough to rip off someone who did it right.

Zootopia's initial drafts were too dark for Disney. That's how the story goes, but their initial drafts were shit. A society where all carnivores are forced to wear shock collars that taze them for feeling any emotion too strongly, and one foxman makes a theme park where carnivores can take their collars off and ride rollercoasters and enjoy animal themed activities and carnival games? This is too dark AND too divorced from human reality to say anything about human society. Also Judy Hopps seemed like too much of a cunt for thinking the shock collars were necessary and a good idea.

One proofreader said to me "Builders aren't forced to use steroids to keep their jobs over here so you shouldn't exaggerate that in the fantasy world". Is that good advice? Isn't exaggerating everything part of the point of fantasy? The consequences for good and bad deeds become huge, the righteous hero magically objectively proven to be 100% morally pure was chosen by Gods and destiny to do the good deeds ONLY he has what it takes to do, the old bastard landlord in a mansion on the hill becomes a mad tyrannical king or giant evil dragon, and the consequences of the villains winning are easily understood catastrophes like a giant space laser destroying worlds, or a dark wizard draining everybody's life force, or a satanic vampiric buff darkness dragon with a smaller dragon for a dick summoning a horde of undead to kill all life while going mwahahaha.
Anonymous
a228027
?
No.352793
352940 353029 353162 353865
>>352749
https://hackmd.io/eMPfVQ35TVO-4n8dlBefnA

So I like this site you were using and began writing on it myself. Here's what I got so far.
Anonymous
ed56f0c
?
No.352936
>be starving farmer whose produce and profit is mainly stolen by the govt, sometimes have to hunt in the woods without a license to make ends meet
>and be builder forced to make condos and hotels for the elites to fill with rapefugees
>and miner thinking about how what he mines will be misused by the elites, forced to wear a shitty paper mask that does nothing to protect him from the fumes and miner's lung
>and horny gimmicky cafe worker servicing rich cunts, forced to put his dignity aside because you can't eat principles
This is too many jobs, right? He could be forced to do a different one each day because of zero hour contracts but this might be too much to show during a single "regular day" I want to write at the start of the story before the shit hits the fan. It establishes how awful life is before the main plot starts.
Anonymous
5f45809
?
No.352940
>>352793
So I continued and wrote some more stuff.
Anonymous
ed56f0c
?
No.352961
Sueishness is only bad when the specialness of a character gets in the way of telling a story.
There is no such thing as too special, too powerful, too beloved. Only "special and powerful and beloved enough already to get in the way of a story where she becomes special and powerful and loved". The world's ultimate fighter can still star in interesting tales but people will only ask "will he win?" If he fights cheaters or the galaxy's ultimate fighters or the afterlife's even more ultimate fighters or the multiverse's ultimatest fighters. Ma-Rey Sue could have been twice as OP at everything by the end of it and they could have made getting there satisfying if she started off shit at most things or put her in a story where her cheat abilities dont let her cheat, like putting the ultimate soldier in a romcom where violence is never the answer and he doesn't know how to be normal.
You could give a character every sue trait possible and tell a great story with her, or tell a shit story with the most boringly average character imaginable. Terms like antisue and negasue exist with unclear definitions because some people think writing good fiction begins and ends with making the characters inoffensive, so when unsueish characters turn out shit they have to invent words to describe what they cannot explain with existing words. Somebody's subjective opinions of what "too much" looks like isn't the most important thing in the world. Writers shouldn't strive to write inoffensive stories about likeable characters, they should strive to write offensive stories about compelling dimensional fascinating characters. I need to get off my ass and read more manly books for men. Got any recommendations?
Anonymous
ed56f0c
?
No.352975
>write draft where perfect based parents piss the proofreaders off by preaching truth their son already agrees with
>write draft where parents are nice normies who eat their goyslop and are unsupportive of their childs dreams
>proofreaders get more pissed and call them worse parents than Buck Cluck and Hiccups dad at their worst because suddenly the little easily missed ways in which trough-munching piglike normies are FUCKING CUNTS matter
They weren't this pissed when the hero's parents were alcoholic smokers tossing beer bottles at their kids. That was objectively awful parenting but most people were never affected by people that extremely bad IRL. But these parents are realistically not good enough. I think I've struck gold. The hero's parents might work hard for a living but they're still frustratingly wrong about important shit and unwilling to see reason in a realistic way and not just unsupportive of their kids dreams but unsupportive of the existence of budding talents they lack. That part was inspired by my parents hating me for my intelligence only toned down, I expected proofreaders to say "you made them too awful again, tone it down" but it seems the perfect balance has been found. Can't wait to finish and upload it for another round of proofreading.
Anonymous
8160ac6
?
No.353029
353153 353198
>>352749
Hey, GG. Would you check out my story so far and give me your opinion?
>>352793
I'm not asking for a full on review here. Just if you don't mind share your brain with me.
Anonymous
ed56f0c
?
No.353071
353073
>want to put a femboy slut crossdresser maid character in so other characters can call him an unconvincing cosplaying perverted faggot who will never be a woman
>and after the timeskip when everyone else looks older and cooler after years of training and awesome new outfits he looks like a joke because men age differently from women and he will never be a woman
>in the ending where he marries nobody he hangs himself and in all endings where he marries someone he gets himself healed and lives authentically as a normal man, never speaking about his crossdresser phase again
>also find the entire fucking concept so disgusting I don't want to put it in or even mention it
>even though weimar degeneracy is a thing the evil empire does and this man consumed by it but able to recover from it, this man who comes from a town consumed by it, is the best way to show it instead of just telling it to the audience through characters talking at each other about parts of the world I dont want to show onscreen

What do?
Anonymous
c3c213e
?
No.353073
353079
>>353071
Nigel, you're spending way too much of your autism on gay stuff.
Anonymous
ed56f0c
?
No.353079
353117
>>353073
Probably.
But how can the story say "degeneracy bad" if it does not show degeneracy being bad? The hero can't shut down weimar style brothels full of pregnant women if there are no brothels. I want to put as little degeneracy in this as possible. What is the optimal amount?
Anonymous
5e5b821
?
No.353117
353156
>>353079
Saw the first episode of edgerunners. Probably a good place to start?
Anonymous
bf46452
?
No.353153
353156
>>353029
Actually, now when I think about it I'd like anybody's opinion on my craft.
Anonymous
ed56f0c
?
No.353156
353160 353161
>>353117
Edgerunners is aweaome! I want to do something with cyberpunk some day.
What I'm writing takes place in a medieval standard low fantasy world, but industrialization is starting through a type of technology that harnesses magic.
Magic is extremely limited so ir doesn't take over my story and make Gods of anyone, it's just elements crystals that do elemental stuff. Can't "burn away" a person's worries with fire magic or use earth magic to make a man physically or morally stronger, the wizard can't portal people across the continent or send texts or conjure food. It's as hard and scientific as possible, the elemental crystals are basically naturally occuring gemstone batteries for types of power besides electricity. Special rare people canbuse these crystals without hurting themselves, anyone else gets corrupted or blown up unless the crystals were properly inserted into tools anyone can use. The evil regime shoves magic stones into its conscripts to make ugly uniform drugged insane elemental monsters of them, denying them their individuality as they serve villainy, this contrasts with the cool heroes who use tools to enhance what makes them unique and strong.
>>353153
Your writing is good and I can't think of anything smart or helpful to say about it.
>>everyone
Moral protagonists tend to piss people off. How do you get it right?
There are people who couldn't stand Katara or Aang's preaching about their ideals in Avatar. The wise monks who are never wrong say this, Katara the group mom who is only sometimes wrong says that...
And I don't have to tell you people hated Naruto's preaching, believe it. Not to mention Green Naruto 2 (Deku from Hero Academia)
Did people have strong opinions on Luke Skywalker back when he was new? He's probably the most famous example of the typical hero guy and he didn't strike me as preachy.
Protagonists of these adventure stories tend to be fairly stock, standard, sheltered, vanilla, underdogs except not really, usually the straight men compared to way wackier characters, chosen by destiny to not be underdogs, the bridge between the audience and the wider weirder world he learns about and grows in, related to the villain or to people the villains killed.
But when it comes to even the preachiest heroes they were nowhere near as awful as the fanatic insane Littlepip who saw the world in black and white and was ready to open fire at a moment's notice.
Sure, the whole world was like that (like that time 200 year old ghoul Steelhooves killed a security guy for defending his tower from a ghoul horde. Ghoul isn't a race with a culture and creed, it's a symptom of irradiation and insane luck, a skin condition that slows your ageing. This man married Applejack, he has no reason to feel ethnic bonds with wasteland ghouls most likely a tenth of his age or less) but LP was the worst offender except when Calamity or Velvet was.
The protagonist of my story is on a mission to free his homeland from an evil regime of rich Goblins that hate his race and are doing Weimar shit to everyone even the kids. He has to fight members of his race brainwashed into serving the regime and Orcs the Goblins imported to be their thuggish obedient simple minded bodyguards and enforcers and pet barbarian attack dogs.
It would be very easy to accidentally fuck this up.
Forget the gayness, forget the tragic backstories, forget country vs country lore shit that has no influence on the present day. If there is one thing I need to get right, it's violent savior Farmboy McHeroman and his closest friends. And I have no idea where to begin.
Anonymous
9f5a4f9
?
No.353160
>>353156
>I want to do something with cyberpunk some day.
I know a guy who's trying to set up a Shadowrun game, only instead of the Goblinization it's ponification.
Anonymous
bf46452
?
No.353161
>>353156
>Your writing is good and I can't think of anything smart or helpful to say about it.
Thanks. That's okay. Could you tell me what you found good about it?
Anonymous
ed56f0c
?
No.353162
353174
>>352793
You called him Shitick instead of Skitick near the end, was that intentional?
Anonymous
bf46452
?
No.353174
353193
>>353162
No, good catch. It's just a placeholder name until I can come up with a better one.

I usually mesh two words together to form a name. Skinny+Thick=Skitick. Imo, leopards and big cats are kinda skinny on certain areas of their bodies but their fur, tail, and limbs are thick.
Anonymous
ed56f0c
?
No.353193
>>353174
Oh, cool. My placeholder names are boring and utilitarian. HeroGuy, Princess Name, BookGirl, Horse, Boss1, Boss2, and so on.
I must be certain not to give the hero any hypocritical moments. That retarded moment when LP considered it shockingly wrong for Steelhooves to kill someone who (i think?) tried to kill his wife Applejack but was fine with him killing security chief ghoul-hater and telling the radio girl "tell the tower chief security man died a hero" and was fine with all of her own killings was really homosexual. She'd even shoot fleeing enemies in the back and she'd never try things the nice way first, it was always kill or steal or manipulate. Her transition from nobody to violent fanatic "willing to be seen as the villain of the piece" wasn't believable and she had no reason to give herself the quest to violently end slavery. She wasn't an escaped slave trying to free a friend taken upstairs as a pleasure slave by the CEO of slavery the hero would have to kill, she didn't incite a slave rebellion and kill the boss and lead an exodus to an ex-slave rehabilitation camp she would then have to save from waves of enemy assault. She was just a bored god in a mindless toybox with less depth than Kkat's fake troonhole.
My protagonist should be slower to start killing... Right? On one hand the villains he fights are worse people than anyone LP ever fought. And he is often put into kill or be killed situations. The hero's a smart guy but you can't talk an Orc into raising his IQ or a Goblin into being kind. Even if rehabilitating them was possible it won't unrape their victims. What would happen if you "rehabilitated" them and released them into society only for survivors of their attacks to see them? "Hey, that's the Orc who raped and ate my wife!" Says a good man, killing the Orc. What then? Does he go to jail and have gang rapist Orcs for cellmates? There is no political solution. Exporting them lets them take their bullshit home to the shithole continents they are from and come back if your descendants ever forget what they did, putting them in work camps lets them begin paying reparations to the races they have harmed even though what they owe can never be repaid, and killing them all with a Wish spell performed with the Holy Grail solves the Orc and Goblin problems.
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.353198
353199
>>353029
>Hey, GG. Would you check out my story so far and give me your opinion?
Sure, I'll take a look when I get a chance.
Anonymous
3a97038
?
No.353199
>>353198
Nice. Thanks.
Anonymous
1f3e696
?
No.353269
353270 353345
>>352749
This chapter had much more descriptive prose than the one before it. I like the way you paced it. You didn't try to force everything down in one go. I have a tendency to try to get everything I want to include in one sentence. You gave everything just the right amount of focus, imo.
You described the differences between the technology in Equestria and our world. Your explanations were reasonable.
Anonymous
1f3e696
?
No.353270
353345
>>353269
I also like the world building part when you described Canterlot's layout.
On a sidenote, I remember posting that image in your thread once. Maybe that's where you saw it first.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353285
353297 353354
>while hero is working his mom reads his diary and reacts to it so I can infodump a shitton of hero's past on the audience seamlessly
Is this genius or retarded?
Anonymous
84c810f
?
No.353297
353298
>>353285
Personally, I've never enjoyed reading or writing info dumps and prefer to include character development as the story continues, even for main character(s). The concept of the diary is a solid, but don't overdo it with a mountain of exposition and description.
The line is more or less up to you, but a more experienced writer here would probably have better advice for you than me.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353298
353354
>>353297
I only get one chance to show a normal day or two in the protag's life before shit hits the fan and he can't go back to his normal life. So I want to include everything now but that's probably a bad idea. Perhaps I should only cover stuff that would feel unnatural to be brought up later in casual conversation or arguments, and stuff that needs to be understood now before scenes make sense when they happen.
Anonymous
a3eae0c
?
No.353344
353354
Avatar: The Last Airbender was an optimistic whitepilled show where every race had something good to say about it, even the villains. The Fire Nation was power, ambition, ferocity, and in the most important fire nation characters this was explored. Zuko had to find what was good in himself, and what was good in fire. The villains were too ambitious, too greedy, manipulative, corrupt, vicious, aggressive, cruel, destructive. The virtues in other nations could be corrupted, too. Earth Kingdom people were strong and enduring, but they could be arrogant and foolish and stubborn like the Earth King, and that guy who wanted Aang to trigger the Avatar State now and charge before he was ready. The Air Nomads were carefree monks detatched from worldly concerns, look how well that worked out for them. Even the Water Tribe, adaptable and loving, wasn't immune to corruption. That old bloodbender woman was motivated for vengeange by love of those lost, she was a dark reflection of Katara.
This simple kiddie story in a three season cartoon says more about virtues and people than Failout Equestria thinks it does in six gorillion words of overly edgy pony violence. The story says the only valuable form of loyalty, honesty, kindness, and so on are to show these things to Littlepip and her allies alone. A mercenary is called corrupted loyalty until she embraces absolute servitude to Littlepip. A propagandist liar living in luxury is called honesty for praising Littlepip while a cheese seller who kills himself so Littlepip will feel guilty and have to find his family a new home is called corrupted honesty.
My story's too black and white right now, a proof reader said to me. Too much "My race and my ways good, their race and their ways bad". Obviously the enemy is evil, there's nothing redeemable about rapist orcs or goblin swindlers, that's as factual as the existence of space. But I should add some other groups or other races, good ones the hero gets on his side to help him slay his enemies because the villains screwed them all over in different ways and they'll all be better off without Orcs and Goblins.

One proofreader suggested I say the bland customizable reader self insert player character is literally the player of the game sent by God to save this world and its people, calling saving and reloading a time power you were granted as the chosen one to ensure the rightful hero protagonist saves the world from the god of darkness and makes it how the god of goodness says it should be. That seems too simplistic, would audiences respond well to that?
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.353345
353346 353793
Spoilered
Spoilered
>>353269
Thanks. One of the things I've become much more conscious of since I started doing reviews is how much general information I ought to give the reader, and when it's appropriate to spoonfeed it to them. On the one hand you don't want to infodump, but on the other hand sometimes you just need to convey information in order to explain your setting. It's particularly tricky with a story like this, where a very blatantly non-MLP-style character is being juxtaposed into Equestria. If I take Marlowe too far out of his original element he won't be able to be Marlowe anymore, but at the same time I can't just have a 1940s hard-boiled detective inexplicably wandering around pastel ponyland drinking and swearing and smoking cigarettes, no matter how hilarious the idea might be. The scenario has to be at least somewhat plausible, so if I want him to be able to drink and smoke and so forth there needs to be some kind of in-world explanation for how he is able to procure things like whiskey and cigarettes; if he's going to be dealing with crime and the seamy underbelly of things, it needs to be a seamy underbelly that works for an MLP-style setting. Basically, I want Philip Marlowe in Equestria to be able to behave more or less the way he would in an ordinary Philip Marlowe story, but still have everything make sense within the context of the MLP setting.

The business with phones was actually something I wound up putting quite a bit of thought into (possibly far more than was necessary). Since the main character is going to be doing a lot of communicating back and forth, making reports and getting hold of suspects and so on, the question of what sort of communication methods he has to work with is a very important detail that needs to be settled early. If he has a phone, or something like a phone, at his disposal it makes things much easier on me, but at the same time it's debatable whether phones could or should exist in Equestria.

Fortunately, this fandom is full of turbo-autists who obsessively research and endlessly debate this sort of thing, so I was able to dig up the two images I attached. The basic nerd-debate over phones in Equestria is that on the one hand, images like these prove that phones canonically exist in the world; however, there is also a conspicuous lack of wires and poles, so there is some question as to how they work. The explanation I came up with is basically this: phones are embedded-magic devices that can directly communicate with one another and don't require the user to have any magical ability. However, the connection between two devices has to be made manually by a unicorn (or other spell-casting creature), since determining which two phones specifically are to be connected would require an act of conscious will. So, Equestria's phone company employs unicorn operators. When you pick up a phone, the embedded spell connects automatically to the nearest operator, you tell the operator who you want to call, and she casts a spell to connect your phone to the other pony's. In other words, the phone system in Equestria is comparable to the way phones used to work before automated switching was a thing, so it's more or less comparable to what Marlowe would be accustomed to already. Thus, Marlowe can be transposed into a version of Equestria that is similar enough to the world he knows that he can live there without having to radically reimagine his life; basically like moving to another country as opposed to moving to an alien planet (even though technically it is an alien planet). At the same time, I have an explanation for the similarities that doesn't require deviating significantly from the MLP canon.

Obviously, I don't want to just dump all of this information onto the reader; it's enough to simply inform them that phones exist in Equestria and provide a simple explanation of how they work (tl;dr it's magic and I ain't gotta explain shit). Technical details can be revealed if and when they become relevant, and I've got a complete explanation I can roll out in the event that anyone asks. I'm actually rather proud of this autism I came up with. Imo this is the proper way to handle cross-universe world-building, as opposed to something like: "the PipBuck exists in my setting because the PipBoy exists in the thing I'm ripping off; here is ten fucking paragraphs of technical specs."

>>353270
>I remember posting that image in your thread once. Maybe that's where you saw it first.
I think you probably did, I know that I found that image here somewhere and I think it was posted in one of my threads. In any event it's a great image; as I said I've been wanting to set a story in that version of Canterlot ever since I first saw it.
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.353346
>>353345
Not sure why those images were spoilered, I didn't think I spoilered them. Whatever, though.
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.353354
353417
>>353285
>Is this genius or retarded?
It's impossible to say one way or the other without more information. How much is a "shitton?" If you're talking two, maybe three normal-sized paragraphs of whittled-down story-relevant information it's probably fine; if you're using this as an excuse to dump the character's entire biography on the reader at once it's probably not a good idea.

>>353298
Again, without knowing the details of what you're doing specifically I can't say yea or nay on whether it's good, but a couple of things jump out at me here:

>I only get one chance to show a normal day or two in the protag's life before shit hits the fan and he can't go back to his normal life.
Why exactly are you limited by this time frame? If the story is focused on specific events happening in the present and you don't have time for a long preamble, then you probably need to think long and hard about how important this backstory info really is.

>So I want to include everything now but that's probably a bad idea.
If this is what your gut instinct is telling you, it's probably worth listening to, or at least analyzing to see why it is your instinct is pulling you in this direction.

Again, since I don't know exactly what you have in mind I can't really say whether your idea is good or not, but here's what my gut instinct is telling me, based on past experience reading your work. My suspicion is that this is probably another "Silver Star's Magic Skateboard" moment, where you have a massive amount of detailed information that you feel needs to be conveyed to the reader, but probably a lot of what you consider essential isn't really all that essential. Offhand, I'm guessing a lot of it is stuff that could probably be pared down or even omitted. However, if all of it is actually essential, then you may have problems with how you're structuring the story. If the reader needs more information about the MC's backstory for the story to make sense or for the character to be sympathetic, you may want to reconsider this hyper-condensed "three days until SHTF" timeline you've set up. Can you start the story any earlier, or slow down the pacing to give the reader more time to learn about the MC's past? If so, then maybe you should consider just doing that. If you can't, then you'll probably have to trim the MC's backstory down to just the essentials and make peace with killing a few of your babies. You can either drop some ballast and make the ship go faster, or you can hold on to everything and prepare for a longer and slower voyage, but usually you can't have both.

>>353344
>My story's too black and white right now, a proof reader said to me. Too much "My race and my ways good, their race and their ways bad".
If you want to avoid being too black and white, the thing to do is to try and understand your villains from their own perspective, rather than from yours or from your hero's. What do your villains believe in, if anything? What motivates them? Why are they doing whatever it is they're doing? You don't have to justify it or make them sympathetic; you can still present them as evildoers. The thing is, though, nobody wakes up in the morning and says "today I'm going to be a dick to this one guy, because I'm evil and mwahahahaha." Anyone who does anything has a reason for doing it. It doesn't have to be a good reason or a just reason, it just has to make sense from the perspective of that character, taking into account his motivations and his personality.

>Obviously the enemy is evil, there's nothing redeemable about rapist orcs or goblin swindlers, that's as factual as the existence of space.
This right here is exactly how you shouldn't be thinking about this. Forget about good and evil for a moment, and imagine yourself in the position of one of these orcs or goblins. Who are these creatures? What motivates them to do what they do? Even if they're just dumb, simple, mean-spirited creatures motivated by base impulses, they aren't wind-up toys; they have at least some level of autonomy, and thus their acts of rape and swindling are conscious acts they carried out of their own freewill. If not, then your villains are basically just wild animals, and unless you're writing a survival story about humans facing giant sharks or killer lions, wild animals don't make for especially interesting adversaries.

In the case of your goblins and orcs, their motivations are probably selfish and petty: rape is an act of control driven by a combination of base lust and a desire to dominate and humiliate an enemy. Either you're directly dominating and humiliating the object of your hatred by raping it, or you're dominating and humiliating them by proxy, ie by raping your enemy's wife or daughter. Swindling is similar: it can be motivated by something as simple as callous greed ("I want to make a profit and I don't care about how it harms this person") or, again, as a means of domination or humiliation by proxy ("I hate those tricksy hobbitses, so I'm going to run a scam on them and cheat them out of their hard-earned shekels").

If you want compelling, interesting "bad guy" characters, it's better to have them motivated by something more compelling and interesting than simple, base impulses like "I'm horny and I won't take no for an answer" or "I need beer money and this retard looks like he'd fall for this dumb scam I cooked up." So, it's probably better to go with the desire to dominate and humiliate an enemy as motivation. In this case, you need to think about the source of these feelings of enmity. Why do your orcs and goblins hate your hero, or your hero's race? There's always a reason; maybe it involves misconstruing some perceived injury to justify whatever it is their baser impulses want to do anyway. "My ancestors were slaves 200 years ago, so I have every right to set this complete stranger's car on fire, steal his TV and rape his wife in front of him." That sort of thing.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353417
>>353354
I'm going with realistic stuff for the orcs and goblins. Goblins are inherently narcissistic petty inbred freaks raised to think they're chosen ones destined for greatness, then they look around and see humble heroic whites building everything, maintaining everything, being the hosts parasitic goblins rely on. They see goblins wear wigs and bleach their skin and get surgery to look more like whites and they hate it. They were told to see us as inferior to be good little Goblins, but they can't because we're clearly not. "Good" Goblins who abandon the tribe and try to wake people up about the Goblin menace don't exist. Any goblin who wanted to betray the tribe would risk being killed or arrested by the goblins just like humans. And worse, if he wasn't killed or arrested, he would lose his goblin privileges in the goblin system and have to live like a human and survive on his own merits. No Goblin is worth as much as a human and deep down these parasites know they'd be nothing without the heroes the goblins hate for saving goblins. Goblins have this ritual where they get a farm animal and stone it to death while blaming it for all their sins. They rely on their betters to work for them and the last time they had to do manual labour they claim it killed them.

There are some "Good" exploding goatfuckers who don't blow up hospitals and instead find a comfortable existence in goatfucker communities paid by the Goblin with human money to move to the first world and take up space and breed. They abuse their women and force their ways onto their offspring when they arent forcing themselves on human kids. The ones who dont rape and dont explode but still play damage control for those who do while robbing the nation that houses and feeds them is the closest to "good" any goat can get aside from the ones who reject their religion openly and get death threats for it instead of doing what most do and pretend to follow their religion while privately ignoring all the parts they don't like. The goat religion worships a rapey subversive thieving barbarian warmonger who has child brides and thinks the sun sets on earth in a muddy spring to "get shiny". Something is fundamentally missing in the brains of Goblins that keeps them from empathizing with others. Goats come here to replace humans and live under a gentler tier of goblin rule than humans because it is so much easier than blowing up goblins and goblin places for taking over land the goats stole from the humans in the first place.

Orcs are savage beasts and to call them gorillas would insult every well behaved zoo gorilla, especially those who were taught sign language. They were tribes in mud huts killing and enslaving each other for generations until we ended the slave trade, but the Goblins who owned the slave trade and slave ships blamed the whites working on these boats for the entire slave trade. There were barely 4 million slaves in the Solar Empire back when Goblins running it did trade booze and weapons and drugs for orcnogs, but there are over 8 million slaves today in the Orc homeland of Orcia and Orcs don't give a shit about that when there are tvs to steal from whitey. The nicest thing anyone can do with all of these genetic failures is to send them to a place where they can't hurt themselves or others, like work camps or continents they don't mind completely giving up on. Understanding other perspectives is great and all but once you understand how wrong these perspectices are where do you go from here? Send the better educated and more intelligent (in comparison) whiteland Orcs and halfOrcs and quarterOrcs back to Orcia so they can try to make the world's first black nation that doesn't become a failed state depending on white handouts in record time?

The heroes are going to be humans or canine wolfmen who are basically humans. Modern audiences love nonhumans more than humans after all plus I enjoy drawing furries and I want the heroes to have cool animal powers. I should add other heroic countries to turn to the heros side, nations of bird people and fish people and snake people and horse people with their own ideologies and values.

Avatar would have felt too black and white if the only elements were the good Water Tribe and the evil Fire Nation. Fire is ambition and malice and harm, water is love and family and healing. It needed the Earth Kingdom and Air Nomads and good Fire Nation members to provide balance and other perspectives. There needed to be scenes where Water Tribe and Air Nomad people were clever, the show needed smart schemers like Azula to balance out evil hotheads like Zhao, the show needed Long Feng the manipulative Fire Nation style Earth Kingdom schemer obsessed with control and stability and he needed to lose to Azula. But when I look at what Avatar did with the Fire Nation I don't see how I can do the same. Zuko was banished for speaking out of turn at a military meeting, objecting to a cruel dishonourable tactic, and refusing to fight his own father in a duel. Not for objecting to the war itself. He and his mom still laughed at pre-redemption Iroh's "joke" about burning Ba Sing Se. They're good people but at this point they are still very Fire Nation. Seeing the good in other nations and himself was part of his growth. Book 2 Zuko in that Earth Kingdom village came a long way from the bratty prince who called Katara a peasant. Fire doesn't have to be destructive, it can be righteous fury, it can be holy and spiritual, it can be life. But the Rape Ape orcs and exploding goat fuckers and Goblin swindlers aren't fire, they're darkness, they're rot. What good thing could they do for others? Help the heroes take down an even worse threat I made up? I couldn't imagine anything worse than them if I had a gun to my head.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353453
353455 353545
Is it retarded for me to literally invent good minorities and countries that can be our allies in our struggle for survival, or is it a smart writing choice that lets me make the world feel more fleshed out and lived in than "good place vs evil place and nothing matters beyond that"? I'm having a lot of fun drawing bird people and their weird bird people places.
Anonymous
a840e93
?
No.353455
353458 353517
>>353453
>Is it retarded for me to literally invent good minorities and countries that can be our allies in our struggle for survival
Yes.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353458
>>353455
It's a break from reality to have more countries than just the Light ones and Dark ones and ones that don't matter to their fight but it seems like a necessary one, like glossing over the logistical nightmare of preparing for a voyage across the ocean and the day to day mundanity of life on a weeks long intercontinental boat trip. I should add Fire people, Ice people, Water people, Plant people, maybe Earth and Air and Lightning people, interesting places in this fantasy world full of interesting people to save from the darkness.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353517
>>353455
Sorry if it seems like I'm only asking these questions so I can ignore your answer. That's not my intention, I promise. While my insecurity compelled me to ask "Is this retarded?" because it's an idea I thought of, I don't see what's retarded about it.
Worst case scenario, it detracts from the awesomeness of the hero as an individual and maybe also ruins the message by making the heroes of this tale only able to accomplish their goal of defeating darkness by relying on people we cannot rely on to help us defeat darkness because they don't exist in our world.
But I have ruined previous stories I worked on by asking myself "Will this make the hero cooler?" instead of "Will this improve the story?" and I think it will improve the story if there were more nations in this world than just the Light Nation the heroes must save and the Dark Horde invading them from Darkland.
Anonymous
9f5a4f9
?
No.353545
353550
>>353453
It's only retarded if you make it retarded, but the amount of consideration you seem to be giving it sounds like it might be retarded.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353550
353551
>>353545
How is that what decides whether it is retarded?
Anonymous
9f5a4f9
?
No.353551
353566
>>353550
It's just a hunch. The way you're asking about it suggests that you may feel it's retarded. If it feels retarded, it's retarded.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353566
353570
>>353551
I'm putting bird people in my story. Examples of the hero's goodness inspires loyalty in the good and loathing in the evil. Bird people, fish people, they all love the hero and his people.
Anonymous
37d1666
?
No.353570
353584
Wow! Snide Glimmer!.jpeg
>>353566
Satanic Dubs Nigel, you're always asking questions for (You)s, but have you made any steps towards writing your stories yet? Is the memory of Glim Gland's Grand Gaping Gala of Gay adventures still haunting you?
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353584
>>353570
The game is playable but 40% placeholder sprites and placeholder dialogue while I continue working. Intro still feels too long and devoid of action even after I decided the intro should feature three ordinary days in the hero's life before shit hits the fan.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353695
>bee girl joins party because she realized the Goblins replaced her hive's Queen Bee with a Wasp ensuring the worker Bees will be outbred and replaced no matter how hard they work
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353755
353762
>hero watches a documentary on history relevant to his people and world then makes it a YTP using a magic computer for fun to justify why he would watch a documentary on something he already knows
Or
>protagonist as a boy watches a documentary while his parents argue about money and politics in the background
Or
>hero goes to a cinema and watches a documentary with his girlfriend then rants to her about all the historical inaccuracies up to and including hiring Orcs to play important figures from his history, even though Orcs burn down theatres that do the reverse to Orcs and Orc characters.
Or
>one of hero's friends runs an illegal pirate radio station to give speeches about why rebellion is good and what the government is lying about this week
Or
>hero saves a library from monsters and is rewarded with a history book he reads in the next scene
Or
>hero is a child and his grandma redpills him on the jews and orcs with a history book, son reads it himself later when she dies and finds it is full of anti-his people propaganda, revisionist history demonizing his people, granny told him the real story she lived through because she wanted him to know the truth
Or
>hero tells his new amnesiac friend about all the history the aforementioned scenes would cover

Which is the best way to explain why the black Orcs hate us and the Goblins are to blame for this brutal irrational world we live in?
Anonymous
0eeb02c
?
No.353762
353763
>>353755
>In which way should I introduce my infodump? A, B, C...
Just don't have an infodump. GG agrees, infodumps are boring. Why do you feel the need to do it this? Like do it if you really want to but know that I would get bored by a huge infodump explaining this whole world universe. This is the reason I had such a struggle to move past the first pages of the Fellowship of the ring.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353763
353784
>>353762
My story has stuff that's too complicated to cover in the one minute or less between gameplay segments I'm aiming for. Sure there are optional conversations where each pair of playable characters get three scenes of conversation each but how the hell do I casually work "And now I will tell you the story of my nation's birth, rise, and fall, and also my life's story" into those? Plus, I can't work this into those because they're optional and I have no guarantee everyone will see enough of them to understand the setting and conflict. I guess I could do a Mass Effect style "Monsterpedia" that explains each enemy type and also infodumps the backstory of the world, the central conflict, and each character onto players who care. But that feels inauthentic. How often do good books dump that shit in the back after the main story?
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353781
>be construction yard worker
>have tough horsegirl fren to contrast all the weak bitches and smart girl fren to contrast all the dumb bitches
>all three are here because this corrupt society doesn't want their kind doing what they are good at
>work for hours straight together and eventually get a break
>ignore comments from managers of managers of assistant managers and useless girls who sat around drinking tea together all day when you were working
>read historical fiction about life in an era important to the story later, rest head on table and fantasize about being in it
>combat level ensues even though shit hasn't hit the fan yet
>get to write funny awful dialogue for the fantasy segment probably
I fucking love narcolepsy. Any time I feel the need to squeeze more backstory in to explain a thing or squeeze more violence in because I fear people are getting bored the hero can pass out and relive a moment from his past or kill a hundred orcs in dreamland.

>be at library with frens
>search for good book to give to amnesiac fren
>this is represented in gameplay as a sudden fight with propaganda books that fly off the shelves to attack you
This moment feels a bit too divorced from reality. The hero isn't supposed to see shit that isn't there. This feels too videogamey. Unless the books are actually enchanted to attack as a form of defense against thoughtcrimers seeking out books in the forbidden section this probably shouldn't be here, right?
Anonymous
6890474
?
No.353784
353785
>>353763
>How often do good books dump that shit in the back after the main story?
Sure, but how often do good books dump their whole backstory at the begining? Like, it can work. Like, I listen to the audiobook of Path of the Jedi and that's all lore and shit. However, I was already invested in that universe. Again LOTR The Fellowship of The Ring starts with an infodump on hobbiton. It's hard to get through but you do because you know it's a good story.
I just think those infodumps of your stories are boring and when I think about it, it's always been those blocks of texts that kills your stories for me, more than anything else.

You do you though.
Anonymous
6890474
?
No.353785
353791
>>353784
On that note, you have paced out your exposition before. Two stories come to mind: The one where twi and RD are lesing out (or something (I don't remember)) and the one where twi and spike talks about how being a princess and her new crystal castle is awkward.
There plot happened yet nuggets of backstory came through in waves. Do that instead.

You don't even have to do it organically -- things doesn't have to be explained through subtle hints nor characters' dialogue. Just Cut your infordump paragraph into pieces and then insert those pieces into your plot just before the reader needs them to know what is going on.
Anonymous
2b19be3
?
No.353791
353792
>>353785
Those fimfics relied on the audience's familiarity with ponyland to understand the world and care about the characters for the duration of very short stories. I have to do a lot more if I want people to care about these fictional people and their plight without coming away from it saying retarded shit like "The heroes shouldn't've killed anyone and the Empire from Star Wars did nothing wrong aside from blowing up planets I didnt care about for not submitting, because I didnt see them doing enough evil shit to get me emotionally invested in their downfall". Even though they're a simplistic childish nazi germany allegory that lost a jungle war to prehuman savages in space vietnam like americans and work with fat jew mob bosses like Jabba the Hut aka jewed americans and follows the Tolkien-Orc Genghis Khan and Independence Day Aliens inspired "inhuman monsters conquering and spreading like a cancer until the leader is killed" trope exactly.

Proofreaders are complaining about the story's sudden frontloading of bleak darkness before the heroes start to rebel and make the world a better place. This would be so much easier if the villain was a god of darkness or nature sick of humanity's shit worshipped by Grimleal fanatics and convinced her globohomo ecocommunist global reset into a new world of wild animals and helpless servile slaves was the best thing to do, opposed by the god of light and knowledge and humanity and other white things and his loyal follower from the objectively good fantasy kingdom of niceness.
Anonymous
6890474
?
No.353792
353811
>>353791
>I have to do a lot more if I want people to care about these fictional people and their plight without coming away from it saying retarded shit like
Ehh, do you? I think simple characters can be fairly memorable and likeable. You don't need to flesh out everything about a character in one go neither do you need to establish the entire world and it's history in one go.
But sure, you have a point. But again, I don't see why you can't space this out.

Tbh, I can sort of sense what you want to have in this story. You scene where the main character discover the nature of the world he exists in. Bascially, you want your mc to get redpilled. Also, that the truth he finds is essentially the truth we find ourselves in since I get the feeling that your fictional universe is equivalent to our universe.

So it goes without saying that you want to establish the world before mc get redpilled and start to see through the veil. Then after this you want the plot to kick in. That's the feeling I get from you.

Try to slow down. You need the scenes where your main character goes through his daily routines, which establishes the wrongness of the world he exists in.

But I get this feeling that you want this for a game? A fighting game? If so, I suggest you take a note from Tekken 4: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_t6eQxyOtc&ab_channel=LordCloudStrife
Keep it concise and focused. The shortness is of deep value. Probably a focus on motivation and plot.
Anonymous
6890474
?
No.353793
353865
>>353345
So I'm eagerly waiting for your opinion (If you still feel up for it) on my piece and your next chapter in the muffindetective saga.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353811
>>353792
A fighting game style intro could wok, nice. Have you seen playthroughs of Fire Emblem games where they don't skip the level intro and level outro cutscenes, any mid level cutscenes, or mid level text boxes here and there? That's the story to gameplay ratio I am aiming for.
The FE series has its archetypes, ideas that keep coming back, ans usually there's a Jagen. A player character OP early on that drops off in power rapidly to punish the player for relying on it. An elderly veteran warrior, typically a man on horseback, who won't get much stronger during combat. The storyline might even kill the Jagen off automatically to symbolically remove your safety net. But to have this safety net in the first place early on just doesn't fit the tone of my game. I could give the protags some kind of Master Splinter character standing around watching the heroes and stepping in only if they're fucked but early on they're alone and without allies or hope. They have to become hope.
in Fates, the Jagen was a Dragonstone weapon for the protag, a stat boosting weapon in a category that doesnt gain weapon skill exp on use in a game where weapon exp is important. Already gave my character a unique attack to fulfill that purpose. And a blinding attack. And an aoe ally buff. I'll never know if the dragonstone was designed that way first before the 3 sides to fight on were conceptualized and it would be harder to give the players self insert a Jagen or vice reversa. Maybe it was an accident, both sides have a designated strong guy: Xander and Ryona.

Seems the best Jagen characters provide utility to their party beyond the option to erase enemies and their exp rewards from the map, which is something you'll ideally want to do as little as possible. Could heal or strengthen allies somehow, increase exp or weapon exp gain for adjacent allies, could weaken enemies, could rescue and ferry units around like a taxi with his mount, could deal low damage to enemies while surviving counterattacks your weaker units couldnt to get those units ready to earn the kill, could block chokepoints with his high DEF and HP better than your armoured knight while probably also lacking his weakness to magic.

To combine the best of these into one unit I'd make a tough flying horse-riding healer who fights using Shields and Light Magic, light magic is great for healing and buffing your guys and weakening enemies while elemental and dark magic focus more on battle, his class skill makes him unable to kill enemies(they survive with 1hp and therefore cannot have ther exp wasted on the jagen) and whose personal skill buffs adjacent ally exp and weapon exp gain. He can't Dance (spend your turn making an ally able to move twice this turn) but he can still support. The optimized perfect jagen in character form dedicated to supporting, not outshining, his alles. One of these days, I should make Shitpost Emblem where the Jagen is a Dancer and the Lord rejects combat to become a Healer and they have to rely on comically awful companions kicked out of other FE games for being too shit. Comedy gold because that's not normal for titty chess games with their super serious plots and generic hero guys and gruff OP old man friends.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353834
Had this idea where the hero joins a rebellion that helps him with the fighting. He sacrifices himself to let his friends escape when a mission goes bad, allowing himself to be captured alive.
He surrenders to the enforcers that beat him senseless before dragging him into a police van.
He is subjected to injustices and abuses many real whites have faced in this system, in the courtroom and when being held waiting for trial.
He is put on trial, where those who knew him and loved him beg for his life only to be silenced and abused by the horde whipped into a frenzy out for white blood. These people aren't willing to kill Goblins so they can't save him, begging a demon to see reason and do the right thing is like begging the rain not to fall. Those who never met him are given a platform to preach absurd slander about him. The propaganda doesn't have to be convincing to convince those who want to be convinced. His own lawyer was chosen by the state to betray him and the judge is a smug antiwhite jew who loves his villainous pseudointellectual speeches. The hero might even be accused of killing six million goblins somehow though that might be going too far.
The hero thinks to himself, these normies among the crowd are the people he wanted to save from the enemy they serve. What was the point? He thinks of all the people he saved fighting, and remembers why he fought. He remembers all the people who died fighting, and wished he was invincible. Wished he was a chosen one granted by god the strength to break these chains and burn every goblin here with holy fire.
If someone asked you to draw emptiness, would you draw an empty box, or something else defined by the absence of what should be there? You know emptiness when you see it, even if you can't clearly define it. The same is true for justice. Countless men could argue over what it means to do good, but they would all agree this fallen empire isn't justice.
He is eventually sentenced to public execution, also known as a show trial where the truth doesn't matter followed by one or more life sentences in prisons designed to torture, to kill, to strip you of your rights and house you among the worst people imaginable for being a bigger threat to the ruling class than any of them could ever be. They would call for an axe to take his head off if they felt merciful. They don't feel merciful. They want him in a box to be tortured slowly and made into a spectacle.
There is no justice in this system.
He is eventually freed by the rebellion but the shit he sees should shake the naivete and mercy out of him, and remind him it is victory or death. I'm just not sure how hard I want to go with this scene/story arc. Too much darkness would break the audience's spirit. Too much realism would make them call this reality inspired work of fiction unrealistic. Up until this point the hero has been a boy scout. He started out empty and hopeless but then he started learning the right ideology for the first time like a man learning to hope for the first time, unlearning all the lies taught to him about his people. In early drafts he already knew everything and had no way to grow and was the educator who helped others learn the truth, changing that and making him this vulnerable hurt human guy doing his best to do the right thing, taking this innocent soul and making him learn the truth as he does good in a society that hates good was the secret ingredient I needed.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.353865
353866 353888
unknown (3).png
>>352793
>>353793
First off, I should probably note that there's still quite a bit of the usual ESL and grammar issues in here that I usually comment on. There isn't significantly more or less of it than in the last thing of yours that I read, so I'm not really going to spend much time going through any of that, but it is still noticeable. You might want to consider running your pieces through Grammarly or something similar before posting them, as it might help with readability. There are some free alternatives you can use as well:
https://www.grammarlookup.com/grammarly-alternatives/

Anyway, grammar and spelling aside, the overall quality of this is pretty good. It's a very action-heavy scene, so descriptions of physical space and the positioning of characters in relation to each other is important. The scene was easy to visualize, and your descriptions are simple and focused on the important details. Anon is green and wears baggy pants, the minotaur has a muscular physique incidentally, in your text you have it spelled as "physic", this is the sort of error that Grammarly could help correct, the alligator walks on hind legs and wears armor over his belly. Spatial descriptions are similar: the setting is an arena, the audience is a group of "demi-humans," what exactly this means is not made immediately clear, but presumably it will become clearer as the story proceeds, audience members in the front row are armed and allowed to attack the combatants if they try to escape. We can immediately visualize the setting and the characters from what you give us, as well as make some inferences about Anon's situation. Description in this is short and to the point, focusing on essential details while moving the story along quickly. This is a good way to approach writing this sort of thing. There are also some minor details you include in here, like the alligator's tail making a line in the sand as he walks, that help to flesh out the scene. Nice job there.

This is good too:

>Anon looked puzzled but then felt his back hit something. He whirled around and found that he’d walked into one of the only corners the arena had. The walls were circular but the gates one enter through protruded and between their frames and the walls of the ring where corners.
The line about corners made me raise an eyebrow, since I was fairly sure you established that the arena was round, but you immediately clarify what you meant. What's more, you manage to succinctly explain it in a single brief sentence, without deviating off into a long spaghetti-paragraph about a minor detail. You're learning to anticipate these things and deal with them before the reader asks; nice job here as well.

That said, there are a few issues:

>He felt the breath of Crocs’ jaws on his neck as he finished his roll. He grabbed the tail and hurled himself out of harms’ way while tossing the tail up in the air of where he just had been.
>He saw how Crocs bit into his tail and spun. A terrible crack was heard and Anon knew he had won.
The description here is a bit vague. I'm assuming what happens is that Crocs tries to bite anon, but Anon ducks under his jaws, vaults his tail, grabs the tail, and then uses it to throw Crocs, and then somehow the tail ends up in Crocs's mouth. Either that or he somehow forces the tail into the lizard's mouth and makes him bite it. However, that's just my assumption, it's not 100% clear what's going on here. This bit should be rewritten to make it a little more clear what's happening.

>Statled, Anon jumped back from crocs large maw that lay next to his feets. Crocs leapt again, this time a shorter distance since he had been lying down.
Was Crocs lying down? There is no mention of him changing his posture to this position, yet this passage suggests we should already have this information. The last time we heard about Crocs, he was standing on his hind legs. What I'm assuming you meant is that Crocs dropped into a crouching or lying position in order to attack, but you skip the part where he actually does this. It would be a significant detail if the character were an ordinary human, and it's even more significant if he's supposed to be a half-man half-crocodile. An actual crocodile walks on four legs, but a half-crocodile presumably doesn't. It's important that the reader know what they are supposed to be imagining, so you want to be clear on details like this. Also, while Anon can't be statled, he can certainly be startled, and "feet" is already plural, so you don't need to add an 's'. Here, let me post that link again for you:
https://www.grammarlookup.com/grammarly-alternatives/

>The rest of the pant’s leg tore apart up to the waist, revealing Anon’s green thights.
"Thights" is just another spelling error, but in this case it's a little more of a big deal because it looks like you could be misspelling two different words, either of which could make sense in this context: thighs or tights. Since you've already established that Anon is green, I'm assuming you mean that the alligator ripped Anon's pants and revealed his green thigh. However, it's also plausible that Anon could be wearing green tights under his pants though that might look a little gay tbh. You have to be careful about things like this. Also, "pant's leg" implies that the leg belongs to a pant, and I'm not familiar with any such animal, nor was one mentioned in the scene. I'm assuming you meant "pants leg." Here, let me post that link again for you:
https://www.grammarlookup.com/grammarly-alternatives/

>Anon’s eyes were huge but then he force anger into his eyes.
>He ripped the ground with his claws in blind furry.
>He dragged his hand along his exposed tighe as he remebered the force that ripped his pants asunder.
One last time, let me post that link for you:
https://www.grammarlookup.com/grammarly-alternatives/
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.353866
353888
2022-10-13.png
>>353865

Anyway, I'm liking the story itself so far too. The scene is a fairly straightforward arena-match between the standard Anon character and a lizard-man (attached is an artist's rendition of what the combatants might look like). However, there are some things here that pique the reader's curiosity and makes them want to know more about what's really going on. The scene is good enough to be interesting on it's own, but it teases at a larger story and makes the reader want to find out more.

First off, it seems as if most of the characters in this setting are anthropomorphic animals. There's the lizardman of course, as well as the minotaur, the dragon, the "demi-human" audience, and so forth; however, Anon himself is human. This is a common enough premise; usually Anon (or the generic human) is a traveler from another world, or something similar. However, the minotaur explicitly calls Anon his son, and the term "pure-blood" is used. This implies that Anon actually comes from this world, but is perceived as some kind of black sheep due to some abnormality he was born with. Moreover, the premise seems to invert the usual abnormality: instead of Anon being some kind of half-animal in a world of humans, he's a full human in a world of half-human half-animals.

I'm a little unclear on how a half-man half-bull would be able to produce a "pureblood" son. I notice that the brother character is a half-jaguar, and assuming they have the same father, this could indicate that the animal traits are not necessarily passed down, but it's also considered normal for everyone to have an animal half; ie a half-bull could mate with a half-deer or a half-sasquatch or something to that effect, and the union could produce a half-jaguar son. Basically, the animal half is particular to the individual and doesn't necessarily require one of the parents to be the same animal. In the case of Anon, the abnormality is that he doesn't have an animal half at all. Is that more or less the premise? It's a little unclear how it all works, but again it's interesting, and I'm assuming it will become clearer as the story progresses.

Also interesting is that the story closes with an interaction between Anon and his brother, while the title of the story is "Brother-Killer." The two brothers seem to get along, but it's clear that Anon and his father don't. Is this a prelude to some sort of tragedy that ends with Anon killing his jaguar brother? Or is there a third brother, who was already killed by Anon for some reason? Perhaps this has something to do with why Anon and his father don't get along? We don't know, but we're curious; that's always a good way to start things.

I also liked the way the Anon character was portrayed. He clearly knows something about fighting, and he ultimately prevails in his arena battle, but he's also intimidated by the lizardman and the hostility of the crowd. At the end of the fight, he seems to be in a state of near-shock at having come close to death. The character isn't portrayed as some swaggering, invincible bad-ass showing off his skills, but a frightened ordinary man, who for some reason has to fight in an arena battle while his father watches. The character clearly has some humanity and depth: he tries to project confidence, but doesn't always succeed, and inwardly he's afraid but he pushes through it because he has to. It gives the character more depth and nobility than if he were simply some bad-ass ninja who just btfos every enemy he comes across. Nice job here as well.

Anyway, all in all, I think you did a good job with this. It's a promising opening; I'll be curious to read more of it.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.353867
353887 353929
Actually, while I have everyone's attention I'd like to ask again for some reads on this one:

>>351627

It was written for a timed competition, so it's rough and ends rather abruptly. I kind of liked where it was going and am debating whether or not it's worth finishing.
Anonymous
ec2b218
?
No.353887
353959
>>353867
Okay. What does "EFNW" mean?
Anonymous
ec2b218
?
No.353888
>>353865
>>353866
Thanks for your input.
Funny SoulCalibour customization.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353895
It would be cool if the hero of my story could see the ghosts of his genocided people and be helped in fights by them because these ghosts objectively exist while demons lack full souls, right?

Avatar Aang was helped by ghosts, like his past lives, and that was awesome in Avatar. Luke had ghost friends too, Force Ghosts. How many pieces of fiction give the heroes spiritual advisors to some degree? The hero could even see his own parents, who died fighting the enemy, when he becomes more spiritually aware and becomes able to face them with pride in his people even though society wants him ashamed of his race.

But giving the hero ghost summoning powers is a degree of abstraction from reality. Killing orcs with swords and bows and pipe bombs and landslides and magic book flamethrowers is one thing. Killing them with ghosts? It's weird. Men talking to ghosts instead of God is weird.

The homosexual who looks like an American voter map, the upcoming official Fire Emblem game protagonist, he summons the ghosts of the protagonists of previous fire emblem games to aid him in fights because goyslop crossovers and nostalgia are popular right now. That's such a lazy way to waste the idea of being aided by ghosts. My protag is cooler than this walking pride flag for a perversion that doesn't exist yet. And my hero has more reason to summon ghost allies than this dragonkin genderfluid twink whose mom fucked a multicoloured ballpoint pen. 3 Houses was full of cut content and unexplored potential so it seems the devs are taking a break from trying, churning out formulaic clicheslop instead.

Summoning the ghosts of your dead family to help you fight the empire that genocided them and is trying to genocide all of you is cooler than just happening to have a ton of past lives or just happening to be able to summon copyrighted Flier Embullshit(tm) characters. Fuck summoning "heroes and villains from other worlds" to do your heroism for you, this isn't a gacha game. Summoning past lives aka genetic strangers to tell you their wisdom isn't as directly connected to family as being able to summon ghosts directly related to you. It also lets me characterize the hero's dead family members and give them screentime and unique weapons and maybe even character arcs without having to cram all their characterization into one flashback they get before they die helping the hero escape the genocide. Hell, maybe the hero could travel around meeting new ghosts of people the empire fucked over and adding them to his ghost collection like a pokemon trainer. It all seems like a positive aside from how it takes combat one more degree away from gritty realism and invites schizo "I see dead people" jokes.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this idea but I'm not asking you to make the decision for me.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353906
353924
04yw3eikyzn91.jpg
maxresdefault (1).jpg
Fci1h9kWYAI02ir.jpeg
Forgot to post toothpastefag.

I shouldn't care about what FE does when making my story. But I feel like I could do the concept of being aided by ghosts better and work it into my story better. From the trailers FE Engage seems like a homosexual non story where you're jerked off for waking up as the chosen one supergod divine dragon man who can uae rings to summon dead marketable characters to kill monsters for him, and all his foes are cartoon supervillains serving satandragon or zombies he summoned.

My protag is already the survivor of an attempted massacre by the government. Letting him see his loved ones and letting them continue to affect the world, warning him of enemy ambushes and killing foes on the battlefield... would this take away from the tragedy of this loss, more than it would help make each dead family member a character the audience can get to know over time?
Anonymous
a90ce94
?
No.353924
353932
17-The-Big-Lebowski-quotes.jpg
>>353906
Anonymous
44c2455
?
No.353929
353959
>>353867
>>351627
>"...and then Sunny Starscout became an alicorn, and Equestria was ruined forever."
>A.K. Yearling's hoofwriter fell silent. She leaned back in her chair, frowning as she read over the last few paragraphs of her manuscript. It wasn't the best thing she'd ever written,
Hehe, so you start off breaking the fourth wall, which I think is fine since the reader can't possibly be immersed into the story yet.

One of my petpeeves (or käpp(-)häst in Swedish (translates into "can-horse")) in stories is when there are writer characters in the story. My opinion is that if there is a character that likes to writer or is a writer, I want a full story laser-focused on that or it will break my immersion. I often find these characters to be author surrogates and that the end up spouting their writing philosophy through these characters.

This is not what happens here though. Instead you use this break in the fourth wall to troll people in the fandom, so all in all. Good taste. Remembering my own, embarrasing overreaction to G5, you're specifically targeting me it seems. So thanks.

Also, since Daring Do is canonically a writer, it fits what she would be doing. I just wanted to give you my personal input.

Actually, now when I think about it, if G5 is set in future Equestria, this sort of makes Daring Doo a prophet, doesn't it? Kek.

But this opening sets the tone: Comedy. Let's see if that's how the story continues.

>Was it Ahuizotl? Caballeron? Her publisher?
Comedy in threes and a subversion on the expected pattern of villains: Clever. You forced a chuckle from me and smile onto my face. Fagit.

>The pony in the doorway, who had clearly been startled by her reaction, recovered herself and smoothed back her oily mane.
Cool detail. The character actually reacted on Daring Do's flight or fight response. Easy to forget to characterize, I think.

>wanly
I learn a bunch of new words.

>"Tell the King I would be honored to attend."
The paragraphs around this sentence indicate a tone shift in the story. Suddenly, it's a very serious story. Tone shifts are natural parts of stories. This is not a critque, just pointing out how I first precived this story as a comedy due to the opening and then it seems to shift into something serious, unless I there's a subversion just waiting around the corner.
Again, I see no fault here at all. Stories can begin jovial to turn serious. Just wanted to share how I precived the story thus far for your benefit.

>"It can't be..." she whispered.
>And yet it was.
>"You have to eat all the eggs!" the Mareharishi hissed triumphantly.
>A.K. Yearling could only stare in horror at the abomination before her.
>"Eggs!" she whispered. "Why did it have to be eggs?
Heh, Daring Doo could infact not like eggs and this works in meta way as well. I, however, if I found myself in Daring's horseshoes, would claim I was egg allergic. Also, a what kind of King serves their honor guest a bowl of eggs?

I laughed but because of the build up, the punchline that came from the sudden tone shift you built up was bit dampend. Since what Daring was reacting to was a dish not anything dangerous, I already knew that the tone was shifting towards comedy before the reveal that cemented the puncline and subversion happened. If it had been something that could have been dangerous instead of just silly but later was revealed to be silly the serious tone you built up would all come crashing down in that moment instead gradually over some paragraphs.
It feels redundant explaining the nuances to you though, GG, since I consider you a master shitposter and myself just a novice and you probably got exactly where I was going with this at the time I called attention to it. Comedy is one of your fortes.

>"I...I can't do it!" Yearling was close to tears. "I...just...don't...like....EGGS!!"
Why do you tease me like this?

Also, I notice that you have two indiana Jones refrences in here: The first one is obvious, "Sneks y sneks?" but second one is, maybe it's more of a homage, that scene in the second movie where they are invited to eat monkey brain.

>The tribe had responded accordingly, immediately devolving into factions: those that supported the old King, and those who supported the challenger.
Okay okay, didn't see that comming. Thought the tribe would hunt her down not that some would side with her.

>Daring Do, however, had no time to lament over spilled milk; or spilled eggs,
>Spilled eggs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9h7dsmO38c&ab_channel=DouchebagChocolat
0:47?

>Not with her deadline only a few days away. There was also the pesky matter of the amulet.
Priorities:)

>"It hasn't happened yet," she muttered. "Maybe there's still time..."
Yeah. that's a cliffhanger alright. You should be glad, I walk away from it feeling sad that I got no closure that is a good grade imo.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353932
353933
>>353924
So in a new shit game the protag summons the ghosts of marketable characters from previous games in his franchise to help him fight, and that's gay.
My story and game could do the idea of summoning ghosts to help you fight better, by making the hero exclusively able to summon the ghosts of family members the Goblin government killed.
Cool, right?
But I'm not sure if I want to do that.
One, giving the hero the power to summon ghosts makes him special, and I don't want him to be a chosen one with special powers, just a regular man who lives a shit life until he starts rebelling and fighting for a better one.
And two, seeing ghosts and talking to dead family members is schizo stuff. People will joke about that and call my story's protagonist a schizo. Even though the ghosts are objectively real.
Anonymous
a9b3d9e
?
No.353933
353934
>>353932
>One, giving the hero the power to summon ghosts makes him special, and I don't want him to be a chosen one with special powers
What if he earns it mid-game through an impressive feat or something?
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353934
353950
>>353933
You're a fucking genius. He needs to earn the ghost power! Being able to see his family again after all that time will be incredibly emotional, too. He could earn that spirit summoning power by heading to a place where there are others like him to teach him, and then he could help defend it from an enemy attack.
Anonymous
a9b3d9e
?
No.353950
>>353934
Glad you found it useful.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353954
Been reading more books. Why do many stories about rebellion make the hero an authority figure who "should" be in charge, someone able to use his unfair advantages obtained through his birth like magic chosen one powers or inherited riches or genetic superiority and natural talent? If he's not a conquering king from the good land taking over the bad land or removing a check/balance on the throne's power like religious authorities or the aristocracy from his own good kingdom, he's the one good member of the royal family kicked out of the castle for being too nice. Even if the hero seemingly comes from nothing he has to turn out to be related to someone in power. It's like editors were taught at editor school "always tell the writer to make the protag The Hidden King or retcon him to be that later". Why? I don't get it. Is it to make the idea of him as the new king more palatable to authority worshippers? So they'll cheer when the "good" king gains the power of life and death over everyone when he takes that from the "bad" emperor? There's more to an institution than its head. Changing who rules over a dystopia designed to be governed by force and fear isn't enough, the way the government works should be changed to turn ruled subjects into free men. Or at least the subjects able to earn their freedom. But all these feel-good stories seem designed to masturbate readers who want to self insert as the rightful heir to the throne, and ending the story with "By the way I'm abolishing the caste system and monarchy and writing a constitutional list of citizen's rights" wouldn't be considered as universally appealing as "By the way I'm abdicating the throne and fucking off far away or suiciding for the sake of a tortured Christ imitation, have fun ruling this hellhole without me even though this land only ever has problems when I'm not ruling it and complaining about how boring things are". Maybe I'm reading the wrong material but so far I can't find any good stories about overthrowing evil in a medieval fantasy world.
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.353959
353961 354013
>>353887
>Okay. What does "EFNW" mean?
Everfree Northwest, it's a pony con in Seattle. They hold a writing competition every year where they give you two hours to pull a story out of your ass, that has to fit a list of parameters that they give you. This years rules were that your story had to contain "a guru, a guerilla and a gaffe." Some of the awkward bits in this story were the result of me attempting to wedge those things in.

>>353929
>I often find these characters to be author surrogates and that the end up spouting their writing philosophy through these characters.
That's generally how it works. If you don't overdo it, it's a good way to throw some of your random thoughts into your text without derailing it. In this case, the opening line was just something funny that popped into my head. My original idea was to have that line be the end of a bedtime story that Cadance was reading to Twilight, but I couldn't think of anywhere else to take it that wasn't pornographic. So, I decided to make it the last line of a presumably very shitposty Daring Do novel.

>Heh, Daring Doo could infact not like eggs and this works in meta way as well. I, however, if I found myself in Daring's horseshoes, would claim I was egg allergic. Also, a what kind of King serves their honor guest a bowl of eggs?
The egg thing made it in there because I needed Daring Do to make a gaffe of some kind. I figured I'd have her violate some ancient tribal taboo by refusing to eat something she was offered, decided to make it a bowl of eggs because it was funny. Unfortunately there were fewer people from 4chan there than I expected; none of the reviewers got the joke and were mostly confused by it. That's the risk you run when you reference something outside the story for humor, but in this case I think it works.

There was another entry in the competition called "Gaslight Gatekeep Girlboss" that attempted the same thing: referencing an internet meme for laughs. I didn't get the joke there, but presumably the judges did, because it won honorable mention for having a funny title. I looked it up and apparently it's some normie meme that originated on Tumblr and moved to Twitter; I can't quite figure out what it means, though. It generally helps to know your audience.

Anyway, I'm glad my egg joke was appreciated.

>It feels redundant explaining the nuances to you though, GG, since I consider you a master shitposter
Thank you.

>The tribe had responded accordingly, immediately devolving into factions: those that supported the old King, and those who supported the challenger.
>Okay okay, didn't see that comming. Thought the tribe would hunt her down not that some would side with her.
If I remember correctly, at this point in the story I had something like 15 min left in the competition, and I realized I needed to put in something about a guerilla. I decided to just have the tribe break into guerilla warfare with each other over the egg snafu. In the rewrite I might try to expand on this part a bit.

>Yeah. that's a cliffhanger alright. You should be glad, I walk away from it feeling sad that I got no closure that is a good grade imo.
Nice, thank you for your input; I'm glad you liked it. I'm going to try to finish it up at some point in the somewhat near future.
Anonymous
9c3692a
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No.353961
353969
>>353959
>Gaslight Gatekeep Girlboss
Parody of "Live Laugh Love" (generic fake-uplifting greetings-card slogan shit you'd see on the walls of whores) that's semi-ironically calling attention to the toxicity of the archetypical "strong independent working businesswoman typically in middle management" persona and her manipulative underhanded domineering dishonest generally-unpleasant nature. They mock the unpleasantness of that stereotypical bitch when they aren't pretending it's something to celebrate.
Anonymous
2807619
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No.353969
353977
>>353961
>They mock the unpleasantness of that stereotypical bitch when they aren't pretending it's something to celebrate.
Is that all it is? Nothing new about that; women have been passive-aggressively backstabbing each other since the dawn of time.
Anonymous
60bd8c4
?
No.353977
>>353969
>Is that all it is? Nothing new about that; women have been passive-aggressively backstabbing each other since the dawn of time.
Why does it need to be more or new? Race realism isn't new either but making memes on the subject isn't bad considering how the world is.
Anonymous
9b0b2bd
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No.354013
354018 354061
Spoilered
Spoilered
>>353959
So I have this desire to write a story with you, kinda like how I did with Norway in that comp I asked you to judge. What can I say, I really dig that concept of relay writing. As you have probably noticed by the fact that I have tried/done it three times by now.

But I also know that I have problems with finishing what I start and would suck as a partner, despite how I like to imagine that "this time things will be different."

I don't know. I just wanted to inform you of what I want even though I haven't come up with any exact/concrete plan or purposal. Just liked to hear what you have to say about this before I bothered to think about any premise or anything.

Is there anyway I can seduce you, GG?
Anonymous
d1e344b
?
No.354018
354108
1573975933606.png
>>354013
>But I also know that I have problems with finishing what I start and would suck as a partner, despite how I like to imagine that "this time things will be different."
KEK
You think you're bad, kid?
Anonymous
9c3692a
?
No.354056
If each character in my story has to fulfill a purpose to the story and themes, the protagonist's birth parents and adoptive parents are going to be very important people to this tale.
Stories about teenagers saving the world usually make the parents awful people like the Dursleys, or good people who "just don't understand" until they do like Hiccup's dad from How To Train Your Dragon. Or complete afterthoughts. Or people who die as quickly as possible. I've seen the parents used as ideals for the hero to strive for before, by dying before the story begins they gain a sort of mythical status in the eyes of their son. You are descended from heroes who loved you and died fighting for you, not the idiots raising you wrong and holding you back. It's an appealing idea, no wonder Harry Pothead ripped it off.

Perhaps the hero's birth parents should be good people who got killed by the government. They died saving the protagonist and his little sister, or they decided to send them away to foster parents or relatives just before the attack, either way the hero and his little sister are the only survivors of the attack and they are now adopted.

The hero wants to protect his little sister, she's extremely important to him. The orphan he saves in the woods and adppts as his second sister is also important. I was thinking the adoptive parents could be great people without any flaws at all. Or they could be hard working but stuck-in-the-past cuckservative boomers who notice their world's getting worse but refuse to admit (((who))) is to blame and recognize what needs to be done about it. Or maybe the dad's a cuckservative and the mom's a libtard, but they're able to stay married because neither really cares about their principles or political views that strongly, that seems more realistic for that generation. Dad distrusts technology and magic, and forbids his son from having dreams above his social class and studying technology because dad's a retarded cuckservative faggot, and mom pretends to love the invading Orc hordes despite making her son or husband get groceries for her because she doesn't feel safe walking around alone with so many Orcs about even though she doesn't want to admit it. If they were truly good people they would have fought for a better world back when it was easier for them to win instead of selling the country out to the enemy and letting their kids inherit the fallout of their mistakes. And then there would be no story about the heroes fighting back against the system and winning.
Anonymous
2807619
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No.354061
354068
>>354013
Sure, I can get behind that idea. Just let me know what the details are and when you'd like to get started.
Anonymous
2bcd66c
?
No.354068
354069 354070
d4kjqvi-88b5dc1c-7ef1-47d6-89ba-dde1dd040ae3.png
>>354061
Nice!
I was thinking that in the story we'd write, we'd write every other chapter. The only rule is that everything that is written is canon and belongs in the story's continuity, so now changing afterwards. If we come to a disagreement over the story's progression, I guess we'll get into a retcon war. "Somehow... Palpatine returned." [/s

So one of us writes the first chapter of a story and then we continue from there. I will make sure to proofread through my chapters before posting them. I prmoise.

When it comes to long-term structure. I'll try to do my absolute best to keep up but I don't really demand the same from you. Hopefully, we can inspire the other to continue the story but if it ceases to amuse you, you can always quit. You're not signing on some contract here. Fineprint: Your soul belong to the ride! Obviously, if we feel that this is moving towards a conclusion then we end it as well.

>when you'd like to get started.
At the start of november fits me the best. 7th november at the latest for me.
Anonymous
2bcd66c
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No.354069
354070
>>354068
I fucked up the spoilers sadly. Only, like, one part is suppose to be spoiled.
Anonymous
2807619
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No.354070
354107 354113
>>354069
I've done that before.

>>354068
Don't stress out too much about structure, this kind of thing is usually just a fun exercise. Ordinarily I'd begin a story by making notes and outlining the general plot, but for something like this it's more fun to just come up with the whole thing on the fly. If we end up with something good we can always edit it so it's more coherent; otherwise my intent is to just have fun and shitpost. I'm probably putting too much thought into this Marlowe thing I'm doing currently; it might actually help me to take a break and do something fun and silly for awhile.
Anonymous
9c3692a
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No.354101
Designing the bird people and writing them into my story came easy to me because there is a lot you can do with the idea of elements associated with birds. They split into lightning birds and wind birds and snow birds. Different answers to the questions raised by the fall of their empire. But the fish people... I have no idea what to do with the fish people. Water as an element can mean anything. Should there even be a sea kingdom when all aquatic characters can live on land or in the sea just as easily, with no need to moisturize or strap water dispensers over their gills? Fish people could be found anywhere after escaping their hellish underwater communist dictatorship, if they aren't descendants of someone who did. Cutting the sea kingdom as a location to visit seems to help the pacing of what's on the pages so far, but that leaves blank chapters where sea kingdom stuff was planned to go.

Also unfired Chekovs guns are a sign of bad writing, and it's retarded that Littlepip never used an unlabelled Memory Orb and ended up forced to experience her own mother's memories of Littlepip's conception from her mother's perspective.

All that talk of LP viewing too many memory orbs. But the giganigger turbofaggot author never fires that Chekov's Gun, even when LP goes back home and meets her own mother, saves her own mother, and watches her crush call her own mother a faggot.
This would be the perfect time for LP to get a gift from her own mother: A memory orb to defaggotize her. Making mom hate faggots so much she's willing to rape her own daughter by proxy using her own memories of Littlepip's dead or absent father would make the target audience hate her more and that's what good writing is really all about!
Jk.

On a serious note there was this bit where LP saves her vault from baddies who invaded and killed everyone. She sees brains splattered on walls, dead ponies, and the remnants of parties ponies threw for their "new friends". Parties with cake and balloons. Then the author revives characters so they can show up and congratulate LP.

The scene should have been written so that when ponies in the party room saw the designated new friend greeter get shot, everypony fled to the communal emergency bunker, leaving behind all the party shit, maybe trampling some ponies along the way or locking the bunker early with others still unsecured so some vault ponies can die without all vault ponies dying.
Could still find dead ponies and remnants of a party. But now LP would get into exciting unique fights against enemies in long metal coridoors she knows like the back of her girlfriend while trying to stop the enemies from reaching the bunker.
Some Characters established in the opening chapter before LP left the Vault should have died and some should have survived. Instead Kkunt writes as if everyone died and then pretended he didn't.
Fucking shit story. Terrain and weaponry and time limits and objectives and tactics never matter. Nobody splits up to cover multiple objectives and then thinks "fuuuuck fighting without that friend i am used to fighting beside is hard, I really wish Steelhooves was here right now to take bullets for me- oof ouch a bullet grazed me, I wish our healer was here right now but she's needed more elsewhere healing wounded people we're defending". Characters just spray bullets like it's a FPS because the retard author has terminal gamer brain syndrome. Gay.
Anonymous
83e81af
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No.354107
620355.png
>>354070
>otherwise my intent is to just have fun and shitpost.
Then that's what we will do.
Anonymous
83e81af
?
No.354108
354111
1576367581899.png
sunset_shimmer_and_twilight_sparkle_by_rockset_de3oli1-pre.jpg
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d9h00sj-ab95c484-5e30-4b65-963e-1e033679ff43.jpg
>>354018
>Kiiiiid
I'm one year older than you.
Anonymous
a9b3d9e
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No.354111
354113
FB_IMG_15817181029052743.jpg
FB_IMG_16136906315025230.jpg
FB_IMG_15804776478198124.jpg
FB_IMG_15847400862340775.jpg
FB_IMG_15736184044099332.jpg
>>354108
Maybe? Never posted my age.
Dangerously based shimpost tho.
Anonymous
83e81af
?
No.354113
354152 354161
>>354111
>Maybe? Never posted my age.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUivBz1s0y8&ab_channel=ponyvangelist
>Dangerously based
This is who I am. I'm not gonna hide that... Any longer!!!
>>354070
Though, I started thinking. What if you shitpost and I write something more serious. Like not super serious that's gonna take time to write but something more plot oriented. I don't feel in the mood for shitposting nor do I really think that I'm that good at it tbh.
Besides comedy works best with contrast, as wise black man E;R once said, "If everything is exaggrated nothing is."
Anonymous
83e81af
?
No.354114
6424800.png
1573754934970.png
horse_butt.png
6456735.png
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Forgot images.
Anonymous
9c3692a
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No.354124
354130
>hero's birth parents were national socialists in WW2 and the hero saw them die helping him escape
>hero's birth parents were Waco'd recently, they died helping the hero escape, and WW2 happened decades earlier
>hero's birth parents were farmers killed by a communist mob and the cops refused to investigate or prosecute and the hero was sent to live with relatives as if nothing had ever happened even though the killers are still out there, WW2 happened decades earlier
>hero's birth parents were farmers attacked by a communist mob and his father gunned the commies down for tresspassing with intent to kill. Cops arrested him, mom sent hero to live with relatives, other commies arrived later to kill and rape mom, she went down shooting them and when she couldn't fight any more she blew her home up to kill the invaders and herself. Hero's dad can be rescued later in the story.

Which works better for my story?
Anonymous
83e81af
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No.354130
354143
1cf4afb4389b4db61e0151704251a3af.jpg
>>354124
This is a bad question. I haven't read your story. You need to answer this one yourself. Afterall, it depends on what you're going for.
Anonymous
9c3692a
?
No.354143
354145 354152
>>354130
I know I have to be the one who decides on the final answer to these questions, but I was hoping to hear people's opinions on these answers.
The hero fleeing from the massacre of his family, looking back just in time to see them die to buy him the time to escape, only escaping with his little sister and the knowledge that his enemy is evil and he must protect his sister... It felt too emotional in a way that makes it feel unrealistic.
The hero and his sister getting sent away before the massacre and then learning about it later didn't have enough emotion behind it.
Anonymous
83e81af
?
No.354145
354148 354156
>>354143
But the thing is, I don't know what you're aiming for. All of those alternatives could work in the hands of a skilled writer.

If you are unsure of what level of emotion you want your begining to have, I guess you'll have to figure that out.

But if I'm suppose to come with sugguestions then I say copy this scene: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tcZ8hKbc-nE&ab_channel=Goobydolan
Though, you said something about not wanting your hero to have blue blood so I guess you could make the heroes parents of lower rank but still followers of the evil regime or somethin.
Anonymous
83e81af
?
No.354148
>>354145
I mean, you might as well. Just a sugguestion. It just popped into my mind.
Anonymous
50cf5c1
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No.354152
96A5EAA33E95AE2206D4C8CF0F0C9D78-3313386.gif
>>354143
>It felt too emotional in a way that makes it feel unrealistic.
I think it depends on how you go about it, more than the concept itself.
>>354113
Legitimately embarrassed for not picking that one.
>354114
So plenty bacon, and so few time.

Anonymous
9c3692a
?
No.354156
354164
>>354145
All of them could work in the hands of a skilled writer who's dedicated his life to the craft and abandoned all other hobbies and career paths, but there aren't enough hours in a day for everything I want to get good at even when nothing IRL gets in the way of my schedule.
I know the hero's real parents need to die early on doing the right thing and ensuring he survives and gets to a less violent place, so he can grow up there and feel disappointed in the people here who don't give a shit about anything but sportsball and booze and sex even as their money is worth less each day, their leader continues to be a libtard, and the rapefugees keep pouring in and demographically transforming this village for the worse. For every one guy drinking alone at the bar because his daughter got raped to death or chopped up or his son got killed or mugged, there are more retards who just don't care and won't ever care unless it affects them. The older generation has been pacified successfully and the protagonist runs a combination fight club and free speech comedy club illegal speakeasy with a few people his age intelligent enough to tell right from wrong.
The world governments standardized everyone's national anthems so every alcoholic tard at a bar can sing it together and then get on with watching Orcs kick balls around.
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.354161
354200
>>354113
Whatever type of story you want to work on is fine. When I say "shitpost" I don't necessarily mean the story itself has to be funny or silly, I just mean that I will be taking more of a laid-back approach to how I write it, without obsessing over planning or trying to make it perfect. Just kind of let the story turn into whatever it wants to turn into without worrying too much about the final product.
Anonymous
50cf5c1
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No.354164
354201 354203
>>354156
They are probably equally good ideas. Likewise, not one of them is easier to write than the other.
I think that's what he's saying.
Anonymous
fab2cbf
?
No.354200
>>354161
>I just mean that I will be taking more of a laid-back approach to how I write it, without obsessing over planning or trying to make it perfect.
Yeah, that's the right approach.
Anonymous
fab2cbf
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No.354201
6311515.jpg
>>354164
>I think that's what he's saying.
Indeed.
Anonymous
9c3692a
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No.354203
281.jpg
>>354164
Yeah, that makes sense.
I shouldn't let the fear of making any part of my writing "too much" hold me back. I'm writing a story here, not a product intended for mass market appeal. If I wanted broad appeal and a reliable steady paycheck I'd study digital art and paint female superheroes with their tits out. This isn't tits. It's why I'm making the fun one first, before I make the serious story.
Putting the war further in the past gives it a mythical sense of weight like a creation myth, a tale of Gods and Titans warring to make the world what it is today, and making the mob that destroyed the protagonist's normal life motivated by the world government's dishonest retelling of that war makes the weight that time period and the lies about it have on the hero's life clear.

I wrote a scene where the hero uses the magic powered water filtering device he built and explains to his new adoptive parents "No, this one won't blow up" and it works as character writing but it also rapidly infodumps how magic does and doesn't work in this setting. No wizards are going to magic away problems that need to be solved with blood and soil. His new mom cares for her new sons wellbeing but is also a huge pussy terrified of going against the grain and his new dad is a cuckservative twat with no intellectual insight into the modern world or the world of lies he grew up in. Dad doesn't want his son "wasting his time" with anything intellectual, he wants his son to be okay with the life of a debt slave labourer with a paycheck that effectively shrinks by the week (hyperinflation) and no hope of upwards mobility or a stable future. He's the kind of guy who's in denial about how bad things really are. My own father inspired this guy but I toned him down a lot so he isn't a physically and mentally abusive alcoholic pedophile obsessed with escapism and yelling at his wife and kids over money he wasted. His habit of shouting and throwing to establish authority or cucking immediately to adults unintimidated by him isn't reflected in this tale. Adoptive dad only inherited the guy's fucking retarded views on whether technology is anything worth pursuing a career in and whether his son's obvious technical talents should be nurtured or loathed. My father was also a cuckservative and my mother was a libtard or cuckservative depending on what allowed that maliciously narcissistic bitch to feel superior to others in the moment. The hero's caring adoptive mother was a complete fabrication, I don't know what those look or sound like IRL so I'm exclusively drawing from fiction here and women I've met. Kind of fucked up how designing all those new swords was so much easier for me than this. Then again mechanical principles and the laws of physics are always the same no matter what you're reading unless the author's being weird. You should see the hero's personal sword, it's fucking sick. I thought about giving him an energy sword of purest holy light but it felt too immaterial and imaginary so I gave him a big bulky fuckhuge sword he designed himself to suit his might and that felt right. Symbolically swords are the basic cliche hero weapon and he knows that. Swords are also traditional, and he uses traditional swordsmanship while his enemies just swing weapons. He starts with experience with Bows and learns Swordsmanship and Light Magic over the course of the story.

Does anyone know of any stories with well written mothers they can recommend?
Anonymous
9c3692a
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No.354257
The idea of "Witch Hunters" is usually used to give a fictional evil government so called "fascist undertones" by making its dedicated anti-magician police force visually ape the jew's distorted presentation of the Gestapo. It gives the oppressed person magic he can use to make overthrowing the dictatorship easier. "They hate us because we're better than their silly society with its military heirarchies and childishly exaggerated visible signs of corruption" is just easy to understand.

The government sends these people after you because they hate and fear you.
All because you are something you cannot change or control, because of a natural talent you could control if you met the right people and might consider using against the enemy. They come for you, for no fault of your own, and if they don't kill you or imprison you for life or make you work against your kind to escape what they want to do to the rest of you, they torture you for no reason or attempt to "cure" you via tortures a perverted jew dreamed up when he caricatured medieval era punishments.

It's something from the realm of fiction. Something forcefully embedded into man's cultural pool of shared ideas like a STD donated by the jews.

It's the typical "they hate you because you are different" trope twisted to fit the oppression fantasy and jewish or homosexual or jewish homosexual fantasy of their own imagined supremacy. It isn't an understanding of what the jew is doing and deserves, it's all based in baseless fear. It isn't disgust towards the faggot, no, it's homo-phobia, an irrational fear like the fear of infinity, spiders, and infinite spiders.

It's a strong cultural idea but where the idea that the invading horde of soulless enemies (probably from an inhospitable awful place forcing them to be this way like Mordor or an icy wasteland or space because how else could anyone act so monstrously towards us) flee like orcs or fade like ghosts or shut down like drones or die like aliens if you take out the warlord/alien mothership/king/sorceror in charge comes from mythologizing Genghis Khan, this comes from the Jewish attempt to rewrite the truth. Mythologizing oppression they never faced, fantasies of witch-hunting book-burning Christian Catholic whites with iron maidens and rooms full of BDSM gear, fantasies to try and get other groups to imagine this and other retarded YA dystopia cliches as what oppression looks like even though we live in a dystopia.

And so I'm not sure if I should apply it to my setting when so much of it is informed by real shit the uninformed deny.

Even though it would be great for my story if the hero or his sister was caught illegally practicing magic or accused of doing that, and the hero's adoptive mother (who won't fight for a cause but wouldn't mind dying for one) sacrifices herself to get arrested by saying "I'm the magician, not them" and the hero's father just sulks obesely and refuses to fight and try to save that woman from the anti magic gulag even after the hero calls him a faggot.

Everything in my story is inspired by reality, except the bird people, who have a based Service Guarantees Citizenship society that could work in reality. Would it be cheating to use this idea people are used to associating with tyrants and the othering of innocents and the persecution of others?
Anonymous
9c3692a
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No.354501
>kids from the future show up to say "The future we're from is suffering because you lost, and we time travelled to help you win this time!"
I like time travel plots but I didn't like the way it says the hero would be doomed to fail if not for something physically impossible like time travel. So the hero won the first time, but didnt kill all the villains, and the survivors time travelled first to cheat, making it okay for the surviving heroes with nothing to lose to time travel to set things right.
And because these future kids know the consequences of treating the enemy with kid gloves, they know more than anyone else what the enemy deserves and they're prepared to give it to them.
It means more work for me because now I have to give every character children, but fuck it, I'm already going all out.
Anonymous
d624b24
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No.354630
No matter how many mechanical high tech arm designs I go through in ideation, none of them look right on the protagonist. He has to have one metal arm for the sake of the story and gameplay but fuck me, designing high tech arms is hard.
Does anyone here have any suggestions?
Besides "just make the prosthetic arm look like a normal one except when it comes off or splits apart or does whatever else the arm needs to do".
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.354764
When talking to a published writer about how I had my protagonist read a book during his work break - fantasizing about being in the book and fighting alongside its fictional heroes to justify a segment of playable fun violence halfway through a sequence of characterization and worldbuilding scenes without any gameplay, and to display that the hero wants to save lives and be a hero even though the world won't let him be a hero right now - he said something to me.
He asked me "Why are you trying to fit your story idea around what you think the gamer audience will want? Do you really think gamers will get impatient, ignore the story you're writing and the world you're creating, and drop your game if you ask them to go five whole minutes without clicking a button to put an axe through someone's face?"
I didn't have an answer for that.
Maybe I've been going about this all wrong.
Videogames work best with simple stories you can express in a few lines during combat or between moments of combat.
This complicated work of political fiction inspired by the real world might not be suited to the medium of videogames after all.
Anonymous
73282a4
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No.354971
354972
What do you dislike most about Ben 10? Analyzing and critiquing stuff is fun, and this overhyped kid's cartoon jumped countless sharks in its lifespan and changed wildly. Someone here has to have something to say about that show.

Personally I think simply having greatness fall into your lap is a gay premise for any hero when compared to working hard to earn it and the watch is too OP for any kind of stakes.
Anonymous
9f5a4f9
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No.354972
354975
>>354971
I liked it when I was a child, but my parents were scared of cartoons and only let me watch PBS (like a poor person), so I had to sneak-watch it.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.354975
354976
>>354972
What's PBS?
Over here we had fourish tv channels for years. No fancy tv boxes until I was a teenager. I think I learned to find shows in parts on youtube or on WatchCartoonOnline dot com style sites before I learned how the Sky box remote works.
Anonymous
9f5a4f9
?
No.354976
354999
>>354975
PBS is "Public Broadcasting Service". Taxpayer subsidized public television. PBS Kids airs educational cartoons for kids.
Some of them were decent. You might recognize Arthur or Clifford.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.354999
355004
>>354976
I remember those! Good wholesome kids shows. Usually. DW and characters like her were a bad influence on women.

This video https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=vzEmnroywsc starts with a comment from a pseudointellectual who thinks certain things a story can have like "human villains" and "female heroes" inherently makes the story superior to a story without it.

The youtuber is great from what Ive seen of him so far but midwit pseuds like the commenter make me sick. Pitch Meeting is not intellectual film critique, it is a comedy skit that seeks to make mockeries of every film out there both good and bad, whatever will get this ScreenJunkies CinemaSins shit more views. LOTR isnt worse for lacking a super strong Elf girl with pneumatic magic mega punch action, the author chose not to include one. To simplify the fellowship of these men, these brothers, and the unifying of their races into "their character arc is competing over killscore" is as asinine as saying 1984 is a movie about why you shouldn't break the law. It's so surface level that it misses everything beneath the surface.

Silco IS a villain, you lack a moral compass if you can't tell why this abuser is a bad influence on Jinx even if he does have the excuse of being trapped in his traumatic past that causes him to project his views on family onto others. He views freedom as a neverending drug fuelled rave no matter the human cost. He is obsessed with control. He is obsessed with the cause and expects everyone to sacrifice for him whatever he wants sacrificed, until he develops enough of a bond with Jinx to understand why Vander put his family before ideology and ruthless pragmatism. Silco is a horrible influence on Piltover and the Undercity, and his scary guy act (And Jinx's attempt to impress him while stealing the gemstone) spooks Pilties into thinking he wants the city's destruction instead of independence. LOTR isn't an inferior story for refusing to give every single villain sympathetic qualities like a loved one or a tragic backstory. LOTR didn't try to make you ask whether subversion and greedy dragons and ambitious insane conquering tyrants and big evil floating eyes watching you are evil even if they have their reasons for being obstacles for the heroes to overcome, LOTR set out to state that these things are evil and heroes both great and tiny can triumph over them. Bad people can become good if they try hard enough, but monsters were never truly people. Great men can slay monsters and humble small everyday men can both abandon their daily comforts to rise to the occasion and resist the temptation to give in to evil. Orcs are made from mud because they are an invading horde of niggers partly inspired by Genghis Khan but undoubtedly also niggers.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355004
>>354999
*uniting the races

LOTR recognizes the differences in body and ability between races and does not pretend that Bilbo could kick Gandalf's ass by believing in himself hard enough. LOTR recognizes that Bilbo doesn't need to be able to do this to be a true hero. LOTR doesn't deny the differences between fundamentally different people and demand they all "get along" and mix in a multikulti hellhole, it respects these different groups by letting them work together without making them one like the typical globalist Star Trek and Mass Effect style notion of a "United States of Earth, with one Universal Federal Government micromanaging all planets and all people".

In that respect, Arcane is inferior. Piltover and Zaun refuses to recognize the difference in ability between races, and between males and females. The greatest fighter in the Undercity, the kingmaker who decides who runs it, a tech genius, and a manipulative political schemer, all women and nobody finds this odder than Bulbok's presence. Piltover and Zaun are made by the descendants of refugees from assorted other destroyed places, yet idiots and geniuses and white and blacks are equally represented among the richest and poorest places to fit the authors subconscious biases from being raised on generations of globalist propaganda or their overt globalist agenda. I don't know enough about the writers to make that call and I don't care enough to check their twitter. Nobody finds it shocking that a black tech genius, female sharpshooter, female tech genius, or fat rich idiot exists, and only Viktor calls attention to any kind of systemic oppression against himself by lying his way into an academy that made a teacher's assistant out of him upon finding out he was a crippled poor guy from the Undercity without a wealthy rich noble house Patron. Arcane's writing says its greatest triumphant moments are scenes of violence, no important moments of resisting temptation here.

Even the idea that Piltover and Zaun/The Lanes/The Undercity should try to get along as one is retarded. The show treats this as the default best option without asking any questions about whether Zaun might be better off without the Piltover council creating laws its rulers dont have to follow and sending down cops allowed to act like mad thugs in the name of "letting topsiders feel safe". Silco's undercity is painted as what the Undercity will become without any kind of law beyond a drug kingpin, and Jayce's choice to make peace with Silco's undercity is painted as giving up instead of helping Vi's fight. Maybe Zaunites should secede and maybe they could live a better life as free people without a council of unelected technocrats, politicians, and corrupt business tycoons deciding what laws the commoners must obey. Zaun and Piltover have wildly different cultures yet the show insists on attributing this to their different physical locations and economies instead of asking what kinds of people lived in the places whose refugees came together to make Piltover and the Undercity and whether that could have anything to do with the cultures that developed. Arcane is modern so it chooses to pretend race is as superficial and skin deep as hair colour, when in truth race is flesh deep, no, bone deep. Race determines bones, intelligence, and more. LOTR understood this. And niggers might as well be made from mud for all they do to make Orcs look like pleasant neighbours in comparison.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355008
Sonic 06 for the PS3 had a lot of big story ideas and fumbled most of them.

How would you fix them, and how would you want them fixed?
Anonymous
ef2df9e
?
No.355028
355044 355045 355073
As far as pacing goes, do you guys like time skips over the course of a few days to a week in between major plot points. Or would you prefer a story following multiple characters to fill in those points in between?
Anonymous
d624b24
?
No.355044
Bad ponyfic dialogue is all https://ponerpics.org/images/6441370?q=15.ai

>>355028
What are the time skips trying to accomplish?
Cutting out the boring parts where nothing happens?
Anonymous
d624b24
?
No.355045
355046
>>355028
If it will suit the themes of your story and help to set up things for later, the effort to make short stories happen during timeskips can be worth it.
Anonymous
84c810f
?
No.355046
355049 355073
>>355045
This is essentially what my end goal is.
I'm in the early stages of a prologue (about 2000 words.) And am shooting for a long haul spanning multiple months/years of in universe time. Depending on how in depth I plan for separate climaxes of course.

The Mention of the Fellowship in the post above got me thinking of following multiple characters that cross paths multiple times.
Swapping between parties to tell of each of their whereabouts at various points throughout the story.

It will be more work for sure, but I can spread out tropes between characters and add a lot of variety as well.
I was just curious of everyone else's stances on use of time skips and if they should be used sparingly.
Anonymous
d624b24
?
No.355049
355050
>>355046
Time skips are a tool easily misused. When some characters are doing stuff relevant to the plot or themes, are other characters standing around twiddling their thumbs? Asleep? Studying? Fishing?
How hard will it be to figure out the linear timeline? Will you show the same day from multiple perspectives in a row at one point Rashomon style? How reliable are the narrators? Will you make some characters lie to the reader about how things went?
When you publish this, some viewers will autistically map out a timeline of events and get butthurt if it's daytime in one area when it should be nighttime or ask what character A who showed up in chapter 3 did for eighteen chapters before showing up near the finale.
Anonymous
84c810f
?
No.355050
355055 355073
>>355049
To get this cleared, I'm planning the story to be in the 2nd person with similar structure to a green.
Not concrete as of now, its not too large for me to go back in and restructure should the need arise.

But as far as linearity goes, it will vary on times in between jumps.
Assuming I have 3 main characters. I am planning on chapters being centered on 1 of the 3 and the other 2 will get a section dedicated to their current predicament before returning back to the priority.
For a rough estimation, 2/3 to Character 1, and 1/6 for 2 and 3 respectively. Obviously alternating as the story progresses.
On occasion, 2 or maybe all 3 will reunite and each get a section of the chapter in their perspective.

I will be leaving times ambiguous for the most part, to let the reader play with their imagination.
If I feel it important to the current plot point, I will mention the position of the sun/moon, and season (rarely)
But mentioning a specific date in time for each section of the story, I don't feel will add much other than more on my plate to keep track of.

I can say for certain it's not going to be a: Follow character for X amount of time, and swap to the next ad infinitum. I will try to make the cuts as fluid with the climax and rising/falling action as I possibly can.
I'll probably start with 2 characters and work my way up. (To maybe 4) it depends on how comfortable I feel upkeeping so much development at once.

I have experience writing short stories in my free time back in highschool, but saying I have experience writing a full fledged story would be a lie.
I'll try to have a few more thousand words done by the end of the week, so anyone willing can critique my writing style. Hopefully work doesn't get in the way.
Anonymous
d624b24
?
No.355055
355058
>>355050
Good call leaving the exact date and time of things ambiguous. Less chance of creating continuity errors that way.
Is there a point in your story that relies on seeing the same event multiple times from multiple perspectives separately? Or is this all happening in linear time and the "camera" that focuses on the POV character of the chapter teleports about without altering the flow of time?
Anonymous
84c810f
?
No.355058
355059
>>355055
I'm on the fence about that. I will prefer to keep it chronological of course.
But with something dramatic enough, I might justify telling it from the perspective of multiple characters.
Anonymous
d624b24
?
No.355059
355061
>>355058
To suddenly jump from chronological storytelling to non chronological storytelling and back might confuse readers unless you spell it out seamlessly but in a way nobody can overlook. Perhaps every character's POV chapter for that day could start with the same distinct event to make it obvious? Like a festival or holiday with the date in its name. Or a character or the world could say the date. There could be moments designed to make the audience go "Hey, it's that thing that other character saw! Now I know where I am in the timeline!" Or "Oh, so that's why that happened that way in someone else's chapter!".
Anonymous
84c810f
?
No.355061
355064
>>355059
I was going more along the lines of "Important side character dies/undergoes transformation, you get the perspective of #1 who was near to them. Shortly after you get #2 perspective of what they saw most likely from some distance."
I see this most befitting to happen at the end of a chapter from #1, and the next chapter starts off from the perspective of #2 retelling the same event.

I'm not for sure about it to put it bluntly. I'll most likely stick to a rough chronological structure for simplicity sake.
But we shall see
Thankyou for the insights
Anonymous
d624b24
?
No.355064
>>355061
That sounds like a cool thing to do, I hope doing it adds something great to your story.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
b17814c
?
No.355073
355074 355079
>>355028
>>355046
>>355050
Best advice I can give you about time skips is to think of the story more in terms of scenes and events than in terms of linear time. Most modern long-form stories are told in sequences of scenes that focus on key events, and the connected events tell the larger story. I find it's helpful to think of scenes almost as self-contained stories in and of themselves: characters are introduced, there's some of significant action that takes place or some kind of problem that presents itself, and at the scene's end the situation either resolves itself, or is left intentionally open with an implication that it will be resolved later.

Thus, telling a large story is a matter of breaking it apart into its most significant events and arranging them. Here are some general rules to keep in mind:

1. The order in which scenes are presented should make sense. This doesn't mean the story has to follow a perfect linear chronology, it just means that the reader should be able to follow what's going on. For instance, if you have a scene where a character is eating breakfast, followed by a scene where a character is at work, the reader will probably have no trouble following the story: the guy had breakfast in the morning, then afterward he went to work. Here, the reader will just assume time is passing normally and linearly, without really needing to know exactly what time these events are taking place.

Conversely, if you have one scene where the main character is eating breakfast, and then in the next scene he is suddenly on the moon, this is an abrupt transition. What the reader will probably assume here is that you are intentionally jumping forward quite a ways in time to draw their curiosity. The assumption is that the next few scenes are going to involve traveling back in time to show the sequence of events that led to the character ending up on the moon. If you don't do this, the reader will be confused: if the character is eating breakfast in one scene, then suddenly he's on the moon, and then the rest of the story is just about him doing stuff on the moon, the transition will feel jarring and unsatisfying.

2. Every scene needs to matter. Any story is going to be filled with any number of events that happen on and off camera, but not every event is going to be turned into the focus of a scene. Which events become scenes is entirely up to you, but any scene that gets included needs to have some justification for being in the story. It needs to either advance the main plot (or a subplot), add to the development of one or more characters, or provide some kind of basic entertainment value (sex scenes and random funny scenes would fall in this category; you'll want to use these kinds of scenes sparingly).

For instance, in the example I gave about the guy who eats breakfast and then goes to work, there is a large sequence of events that is probably taking place: he's asleep in bed, then he wakes up, then he puts his pants on, then he eats breakfast, then he probably shaves and showers and whatever, then he gets in his car and drives, then he sits in traffic for 45 minutes, then he parks, then he goes to the office, then he's at work. However, this entire sequence of events is covered in two scenes: the guy eats breakfast, then the guy is at work. The reader infers the rest.

Both of these scenes serve a purpose in the larger story: the breakfast scene establishes some basic things about the character and shows an episode in his normal, domestic life. The work scene establishes what he does for a living, and if his job or his workplace is essential to the main story, this is also an important scene that moves the plot along. Thus, even though there are any number of additional events we could cover, do any of them need to be scenes? Probably not. Sure, we could have a scene where he's brushing his teeth and a scene where he's sitting in traffic, but would either of those scenes add anything meaningful?

Conversely, we could swap out the scene where he eats breakfast for a scene where he's brushing his teeth, and it would convey the same essential information without affecting the continuity. In this case, we need to think about the story overall: would a teeth brushing scene be a better illustration of this guy's domestic life than a breakfast scene? If it matters, use the one that works best; if it doesn't, it's dealer's choice. Get used to thinking like this.

3. Scenes should begin and end appropriately. Every scene needs to begin somewhere logical, and there needs to be at least some level of basic continuity between the end of one scene and the beginning of the next. For example if a guy is eating breakfast at the end of scene one and is at work at the beginning of scene two, there is a logical continuity. If he's eating breakfast and then is suddenly on the moon, there is not.

The same applies to how you end the scene. Whatever is at stake in the scene needs to be resolved; it makes no difference whether your characters are fighting a giant robot or making sandwiches for a picnic. If you end the scene on a cliffhanger, the cliffhanger must resolve at some future point in the story. If a guy is fighting a battle and then suddenly the scene just ends, and we never find out who won, it's unsatisfying. If we never even knew why they were fighting in the first place, it's doubly unsatisfying.

So, looked at from this perspective, the issue of time skips becomes far less important. Time can fluctuate in a story: the events of an hour can take up multiple chapters, but in a later chapter you could gloss over an entire week if nothing important happens. There are stories in which periods of years or decades are skipped over between scenes. Time is much less important than constructing your scenes well, focusing on essential events, and omitting mundane or uninteresting ones. Hope I was helpful.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
b17814c
?
No.355074
355079
>>355073
Also, I don't know if you were around for my review of Fallout Equestria, but that story is basically a master class in terrible scene writing. Kkat flagrantly violates all three of these rules over and over: one minute his characters are walking down a hallway, then they are suddenly fighting a bunch of random monsters, then suddenly it's the following day and they're breaking into a safe in a different building. The chronology is difficult to follow, the scenes rarely show anything important or interesting happening, and very few scenes begin logically or resolve themselves. If you're ever in doubt, just pick a random chapter in FoE, read a few subchapters, and resolve to do the exact opposite of what kkat did.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
b17814c
?
No.355075
355082
dcdxfuw-0e1e65b3-74f5-4cb0-8d9d-bb4256bbc083.png
Also, as a random aside, I rewrote one of my old greentexts as a short story and published it on FimFiction if anyone wants to read it. I think the original green was also posted in the Anonfilly thread here at one point, so there's a chance some people may have read it already. However, it exists if anyone wants to have a look; comments and whatnot are appreciated.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/525935/just-mommy
Anonymous
84c810f
?
No.355079
355080
>>355074
>>355073
Hah, thanks for the input.
I'm positive you've heard of, "Heart of War" and it being left unfinished for damn near 4 years now.
I took time to reread it about a month ago and everything about its writing and structure inspired me to giving writing a shot.
The cult following people seemed to have for it on /mlp/ was also inspiring. After 3 years of the op disappearing people were still there awaiting his return.
If that doesn't prove the masterclass of writing I don't know what does.

I'll probably look at some of FoE today for that example of bad story structure. Thankyou
Anonymous
d624b24
?
No.355080
>>355079
FoE also had a ton of logical errors (almost a decade into the war Equestria is still called "too nice to know what war is", Equestria seems just as prosperous as ever with nobody in normal life suffering due to rationing or secret police action or drafting men from the workforce or anything else typically associated with wartime, Kkat seems to think a gun's poor condition will magically reduce the lethality of its bullets even if fired at point blank by a shotgun because that is how it worked in videogames, grenades inside a tree library dont burn the place down or make holes to shoot through, enemies don't fortify their homes with traps and murder holes and ambushes, Ministry buildings are still decorated gaudily when all resources should be for the war effort first and even if gems and gold are more plentiful than cheap materials the labour to use them artistically should be more expensive than equestria is willing to spend) and a ton of gay bullshit clearly done to allow the author to pretend his OC isn't OP (lowering the challenge of the world and the threat projectiles and foes pose so she can win, making injuries mean nothing to LP, giving LP a bullshit fucking GameShark cheat device on her arm and making her cutie mark the use and operation of that milti function cheat device so user friendly a retard could operate it just fine (hell Kkat was able to beat Fallout 3 so clearly no talent is required) ensuring no other vault pony who makes use of their cheat device to upstage LP ever exists, letting LP do anything with her overpowered telekinesis, giving her super bones and regenerating flesh like fucking Wolverine, and more) but Kkat's tendency to violate basic rules of story structure for the sake of convenience and getting the shitty scenes he wants to write out there faster has to be proof that Fallout Equestria is not actually a story he felt passionate about, just a sequence of scenes he created to fellate his awful OCs and justify the hundreds of hours wasted in Fallout 3.
Anonymous
88b6242
?
No.355082
355083 355086
2588061.jpg
File (hide): 2866932789B3FD30902EA861104B6B3D-5375803.webm (5.1 MB, Resolution:800x450 Length:00:02:18, Sunset simulator.webm) [play once] [loop]