/mlpol/ - My Little Politics

>>369090
Btw, GG, currently working on ch 7 of our collab tho I don't know when I'll be done.
Just so u know I haven't abandon it^^

>>370213
No worries, take your time.

>>362528
heres epubs too

files.catbox.moe/ltjweu.epub
files.catbox.moe/lsp6cd.epub
files.catbox.moe/e41yja.EPUB

So, I'd like to try my hand at writing on request but as always I'm not promising anything. It will be a short story.

So feel free to give me a request and I'll write a short story (probably like 1k) of it.

>>370729
Write a story about Anonfilly being sent to Luftkrieg's summer camp, where the two of them do fun activities related to Hoofler Youth. Could feature them doing volunteer work fighting fires with Firexe as a reference to Artur Axmann. Maybe some fun games like "chase the griffon". Has a potential to be a very wholesome story about fascist principles and community service.

>>370730
Here it is:

>"Hurry Anon!" Luftkrieg, a white pegasus filly with a blonde mane and no cutie mark, shouted. "We don't wanna miss mom's morning call."
>Be Anonfilly, a green a earth pony filly dressed in a in stupid light brown uniform of the Hoofler youth and so is your friend Luftkrieg.
"Yes, indeed. Another day of indoctrination and wagecucking without the actual wages," you reply before yawning.
>Luftkrieg keeps running ahead of you before having to run back because she's gotten too far away.
>"Oh, please what's wrong with learning about history? Besides, Hoofler said that-"
"One day everypony will suck my dick."
>Luftkrieg giggles.
>"Oh come on! One one sucks Hoofler's dick, he was just a great pony."
>The two of you turned the corner; and find Aryanne, Luftkrieg's mother, teaching a group of fillies the romane salute.
>"Hail victory!" shouts the group of foals but Aryanne shouts "Hail Hoofler!"
>You give Luftkrieg a look and she looks away with a blush on her face.
>"Well, okay. I'll give you that one but mom is just really dedicated to him that's all. And why wouldn't she Hoofler is well, perfect husbando material."
>That's when Aryanne spots you.
>"Oh, Luftkrieg und Anonymous, ich been waiting for you to join us. Arbeit macht frie Anonymous, sind zee bereit?" asked Aryanne with a big smile on her face.
"Indeed I do know the truth: I don't know germane. But I have a sneaking suspicion that you're threatening me with work."
>Aryanne shone like the black sun.
>So not only did you have to work at home, on sweet apple acers, but also here?
>Why weren't you reincarnated as Fluttershy's foal instead of AJ's?
>It would have been the best thing, getting pampered by her all day.
>She would probably not have made you spend most of the summer on this camp (except for the time of the harvest, just a conincidence poy).
>"Oh, Anon. You can't sit in all day playing videogames that aunt Applejack told me you do. You don't wanna grow up to become a burden on society, do you?" Luftkrieg chirps.
>You give a stoney-face of annoyance to show her what you think of her words, then you say:
"Weed lmao."
>She still seems happy you're here.

---

>So to convert you to the ways of pony national socialism, they decided to play game called 'Chase the Griffon' and somehow you became the griffon.
>Yeeah...
>You, being chased by a group of fundemtalistic foals, will probably convert you anytime now.
>Meanwhile...
"Aaaaaaaaahhh!" you scream as the horde of nazi foals chase you through nature.
>You get tackled to the group and subsequently caught by the one honorary pony at the camp, the zebra Zala.
"Oh my Celestia! Help me, I'm being attacked by a zigger. She wants to eat my heart to cure me in her queer woodoo ways."
>The rest of the fillies has catch up to you two and start laughing out loud.
>At first, you feel like doing a 'hoof?' pump but then you see Zala laughing along.
>Then you hear one of the fillies say the dreaded, "She doesn't know."
>What the fuck is this?
>Ugh, whatever. Enough of this.
"Get the buck away from me ziggah, you smell like manure, is that what you're ugly plot stripes are?"
>Everyone goes silent.
>You smirk.
>That's right, get fucked. There's still one mare in Equestria that won't stand the striped menace.
>Zala's eyes grow... Full of love?
>She embraces you tightly where you lay and shouts:
"Come onn Everponee, märe pile."
>And soon you're lay at the bottom of a pile of snuggling and laughing fillies.
"Hope pony ZOG kills you all," you manage to wheeze out.

---

>"Ooo oo, it's Fireaxe, we gotta help her. A building is burning," Luftkrieg says
"Good riddance, why should I care for this community? Just because I hate ziggers doesn't mean that I like ponies. Maybe next time don't be a retard and set your house on fire," you say.
>"No, Anon. I'm not gonna do this right now. Ponies are in danger. Come along, now!"
>An hour later.
>You and Luftkrieg managed to save a foal while Fireaxe was busy saving some other pony.
>No one died because the Hoofler Youth's assistance.
>The small little baby filly, the two of you saved is being embraced by both her parents in moment of pure joy.
>You blink a few times trying and failing to keep the tears from rolling down your face.
>Luftkreig also has tear tracks on her somewhat dirty face but also smug smile directed at you.
>"You're crying?" she says.
"Becuase I caught shit in my eyes," you reply.
>"Ah-haa, we had masks."
"Yeah, and look at you face."
>"But I know, why I'm crying and it's not cuz o something in my eye."
"Well, count yourself lucky then. I certainly don't give a buck that... That... That little foal almost- Ah-oo-ugh."
>Your face contorts as your remember how close it was.
>It's hard to hold it together.
>Suddenly the downpour rupts and you can't stop.
>A wing is draped over your back.
>A wet cheek is pressed next to yours.
>"Don't worry. I'm here for you. We are here for each other."

>>370730
Hope it was to your satisfaction.

I still like to get more requests. So if anyone has a request for a short story for tomorrow, then please tell.

>>370732
>>370733
Excellent work, fren! Excellent portrayal of all of the involved characters (I enjoyed the inclusion of Zala). Anonymous definitely learned from this state-mandated friendship indoctrination.

>>370734
Ty so much. ^^

I could definitely go for another request btw, so frens if u got any then don't be shy.^^

>>370741
I think the reason I ask is that: Whenever I get to decide on what to write I keep second-guessing my choice for a premise and the story never takes off.

>>370742
dat and attention^^

>>370743
Tho, technically I think I should try to find the passion to write for it's own sake.

>>370741
I actually had an idea that might be fun to try here. One Anon posts an image with no context and the next Anon writes a short story or green about that image. If the last post in the chain was an image, you write a green. If the last post in the chain was a green, post an image. in all honesty this idea should probably be its own thread, but I'm willing to try it here for a bit before spinning it off

Anyway, here is the first image if anyone wants to take a crack at it.

>>370753
Cool. So the idea is that someone reply's to this green with an image of their own?

>Be Anon.
>You found three tiny horses one day when you were out one a walk.
>They were small like mice but expressed emotions like humans.
>Emotions such as fear, sorrow, and despair.
>You first meeting was short as they immidately turned and ran.
>You'd probably be able to catch up if they didn't disappear in under some bushes.
>As they disappeared out of sight, your mind kinda quickly went from 'woah, what is that?' to 'Did that really happen?'
>You hunched down and tried to coax the creatures, you thought you saw, out of the bushes with sweet words.
>They didn't reappear again, making you again question your sanity.
>Despite the odds, you still decided tear up the sandwich you'd been eating and drop the crumbs where the horses had been when you saw them first.
>You return the next day and hunch down next to the bush to see if you could find them.
>You couldn't so, you ripped another sandwich apart again and left it there.
>On the third day, your returned again, full with worry that the tiny horse might have meet somekind of predator or that you indeed had gone mad.
>When you hunch down at the bushes, you don't have to sit long before the one of the three horses, the blue one, approaches you.
>You can see the two others further in the back filled with fear as the blue one moves towards you tentively.
>You don't move more than when you sit down.
>Then you decide to take it even further by lying down on your back.
>This gives the blue horse the courage to move next to you and nudge your side.
>As you sense this, you peek over at her and give her a gentle smile.
>Her face lit up like a rocket and she hops ontop of you where she continues to bounce.
>You laughed and reach out a hand, still carefully mind you, to pet her.
>Before you even reached her, she brushed up against your hand.
>Then you felt a nudge to your side.
>You turned and saw the other two ponies.
>The yellow one looks as you with chesire cat smile, meanwhile the purple one looks away with sour face and little 'hmph.'
>...
>Now, it's been about two weeks since the trio moved into your apartment.
>Things have settled.
>You have come to learn about the trio.
>The yellow one is clearly the leader who is also quite the proud tiny horsie.
>Then you got the purple one that you suspect might be a tsundere but without the dere, you would have said if it wasn't for yesterday when she joined you and the blue one in bed.
>And finally the blue one.
>She's the happiest one.
>Always bouncy, always smiling.
>While you have made their own sleeping places for them, she prefers to sleep next to you on a pillow of her own.
>You also notice how intelligent they are.
>Once you were reading your cockbook with the blue one and once she understood waht it was, she started to turn the pages to the best of her ability a tiny horse can till she arrived at the recipe for tacos, which she pointed at.
>So you made her a tiny taco for a tiny horse.
>Life is just peachy.

>>370772
Look at the image or title. OK?

>>370796
Sure. Tho, I'm busy today and tomorrow so it will take a little longer than the last two.

>>370799
>>370772
nani?

>>370796
I'm back on working on it now.
>>370805
aww atlas<3
I'm addicted to hoers puss now and it's all your fault. You need to take responsibility.

>>370831
I will do no such thing

>>370796
So what happened was that I wrote one ver. thought it was kinda meh. Thought about the premise for a while and came up with a really neat way to tackle the premise imo. but it requires a bit more work.

I wanna do the best ver. but I also wanna finish up my ch. in my collab with GG, so I'll do that first and then return to this premise. ^^

>>370855
^^

>>370962
That sounds like a (ultra/very) meticulous ghostwriter,With a high/strong (towards exaggerated) sense of responsibility, ethics and morals. With low professionalism and esteem(/inferiority complex, maybe). In any case, don't be in a big hurry and don't forget.

Sadly it seems real life is getting in my way and my collab ch. will be delayed for probably two months, GG. Just so u know.

>>370973
Yh, maybe. I find it hard to correctly identify myself but I do think your descriptions fits well.

>>371180
OK. I can wait until , April and, just don't forget. I hope your collaboration is a shock. You don't give details about it? Secret? Anyway thanks for telling me.

"My best advice about writer’s block is: the reason you’re having a hard time writing is because of a conflict between the GOAL of writing well and the FEAR of writing badly. By default, our instinct is to conquer the fear, but our feelings are much, much, less within our control than the goals we set, and since it’s the conflict BETWEEN the two forces blocking you, if you simply change your goal from “writing well” to “writing badly,” you will be a veritable fucking fountain of material, because guess what, man, we don’t like to admit it, because we’re raised to think lack of confidence is synonymous with paralysis, but, let’s just be honest with ourselves and each other: we can only hope to be good writers. We can only ever hope and wish that will ever happen, that’s a bird in the bush. The one in the hand is: we suck. We are terrified we suck, and that terror is oppressive and pervasive because we can VERY WELL see the possibility that we suck. We are well acquainted with it. We know how we suck like the backs of our shitty, untalented hands. We could write a fucking book on how bad a book would be if we just wrote one instead of sitting at a desk scratching our dumb heads trying to figure out how, by some miracle, the next thing we type is going to be brilliant. It isn’t going to be brilliant. You stink. Prove it. It will go faster. And then, after you write something incredibly shitty in about six hours, it’s no problem making it better in passes, because in addition to being absolutely untalented, you are also a mean, petty CRITIC. You know how you suck and you know how everything sucks and when you see something that sucks, you know exactly how to fix it, because you’re an asshole. So that is my advice about getting unblocked. Switch from team “I will one day write something good” to team “I have no choice but to write a piece of shit” and then take off your “bad writer” hat and replace it with a “petty critic” hat and go to town on that poor hack’s draft and that’s your second draft. Fifteen drafts later, or whenever someone paying you starts yelling at you, who knows, maybe the piece of shit will be good enough or maybe everyone in the world will turn out to be so hopelessly stupid that they think bad things are good and in any case, you get to spend so much less time at a keyboard and so much more at a bar where you really belong because medicine because childhood trauma because the Supreme Court didn’t make abortion an option until your unwanted ass was in its third trimester. Happy hunting and pecking!" - Dan Harmon

I saw this while taking a break and surfing the web on our arch nemesis site (Reddit, https://www.reddit.com/r/writing/comments/8djsq3/how_do_you_get_over_writers_block/ ) Maybe we can have this post be exorcised somehow.

Anyway, I thought that while the quote is bit overwritten for my tastes, I think the advice could be solid. What u guys think? ^^

>>371198
>What u guys think?
I think it's inspiring. If Dan Harmon can be considered a writer, there's hope for literally anyone.

>>371180
np take your time

>>371202
Topkek.

>>371202
^^

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHdzv1NfZRM&ab_channel=Benjamin%E2%80%99sEnglish%C2%B7engVid
Happened to watch this. You don't need to, to get my points but I thought I add it in my post as a point of reference.

Here's an unsorted list of thoughts:

So in the video, the presenter goes through a list of sentences and 'improves' them by turning them from 'telling' to 'showing' sentences.

>The stadium was full. <-telling v.
<The sound from the stadium was deafening.<-showing v.
I don't think this first sentence is a problem. I will get into it later, but I think that statements of facts don't need this show-treatment. Or, maybe I'll get into it right now: I feel like sentences that are vague are the ones that should be improved upon by the showing-method. So for example, he has another example that goes like this:
>It was hot. <- telling v.
<The sun melted the ice-cream, or something, etc. <-showing v.
which I think is indeed improved by having a showing version, because, while we know how a hot day is, there's a difference between a hot day on the beach and one in the desert.

So to be more precise in one should use the rule, "show, don't tell."

However, while we're on this hot example, I'll comment that I think it's easy to fall into what I think is a bit of a trap. Well, it depends. If you want you're story to take a bit of a life on it's own when you write it, it's not a problem then but I feel there's a bit of a common problem that arises here, especially for people starting out implementing this technique.

It reminds me of how a lot of people will emphasize the importance of having a catching hook. This is an advice I also think can be detrimental to newer writers.

The problem arises in that one either characterizes, well, the character in not desired ways or as with the hook, the story in an unwanted direction.

Idk, why I struggle to explain this in simpler terms but for an example, if you're story is a high-stakes drama with a grave-mood, then starting it something like this:
>You might be wondering how I found myself crossing the oceanic border towards the Alaskan mainland followed by hot pursuit by the Alaskan coastguard, with cocaine smuggled up my ass.
will create problems with consistency with clashing themes if the story then continues in a very serious and tense tone, or vice versa.

It's easy to wanna rewrite the sentence,
>He was stressed. <-which was another one of his examples.
into something exaggerated. I have done this and I think this is one of the things that make people write melodrama. Because, it's vague so we try to be more precise but in doing so we decide on what "stressed" means here.

Is it,
>He was puking, spinning around, and tore out his hair till he was left bald.
or,
>He tapped his fingers on his desk while waiting for her.
?

There's also the other aspect, that whatever we go with above defines our character going forward and subtle details do after all matters.

So a question then becomes, are discovering who are character is, or do we know who they are?

That's about it, tell me what you thought? ^^

>>371315
>>The last, and fourth puppy, a golden and fluffy one, set off after them.
Which one did he set off after? Only two of the puppies actually went anywhere, and they both went in different directions.

>>371318
Both, the story doesn't state which one he goes after first, it's more that his goal is to bring them together again.
Ty for reading. ^^

>>371318
Do you think there is a more clear way to write this?

>>371324
Not him, but I might say
>The fourth and last puppy, golden and fluffy, set off to reunite them.

>>371328
Thanks for the input. I like your suggestion, though, something in the past, when I first read your post, still wants something else.

Maybe, I don't think it's subtle enough, or something idk.

>>371328
>unite
was the missing verb tho

I never got to watching this video, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fo40-m03WVg&ab_channel=CapturedinWords , before I started to discuss with myself what I thought of it. I was satisfied with what I came up with so, I'd thought I share it. I also want to write it down somewhere I'd find later.

I don't like the idea of "don't"s in writing. On that note , I don't like the word "writing" or to describe authors as "writers". I prefer "storyteller" and I think the distinction between them matters. This is a tangent though.

Anyway, "don't"s. This Canadian >>>/go/3503 → once compared baking to writing by saying that you don't bake a cake with a recipe that only tells you what not to do but one that tells you what to do.

This lead my thoughts to the idea that the ideal of a flawless story can hurt the creative process. I find that it fits well with my experience.

How does this happen? I spend time fixing the story's flaws, rather than use that time on it's merits.

Which leads me to the point: Why spin a tale? Probably because there's something I want to express, say, or like to see. I want this story to exist for a reason.

Let's say that reason is to see a bunch of cool action scenes. If that's the case, then I probably have some concrete ideas for scenes. Should I then focus on how this scene came to be, logistically, or focus on writing the scene first? I think the: The scene.

Yes, a scene without a reason for it's existence isn't good. However, starting with the justification for it kills your passion for the project, at least it does for me.

I will add here that, the "do"s can be just as detrimental to the creative process as rules that tell you what to avoid. As in, if we followed the advice that characterization is a always a plus. However, if I force characterization on character who's only purpose in my story is to fight in an action scene, I'm not using my time on what makes me passionate about my story.

I think this is why it's easy to get stuck in genre-trappings -- I feel a need to fulfill expectations when it comes to agreed-upon writing rules.

I think that was about it. Tell me what you thought.

p.s. I used "I" in of "you" for examples deliberately to as an attempt to be more humble and not distance myself from the subject matter, if you wonder why. I'm not sure if it makes sense yet but maybe in the future I will.

p.p.s. What's this about a collab in the pic I found. Does anyone know?

I think I want to change my way of writing. I struggle with writing, I think. I have two problems.

I struggle with the language barrier and with overwriting.

My struggles with the language barrier includes: A lack of vocabulary, faulty grammar, and spelling errors.

Overwriting is a bit more vague in my mind. I have a strong imagination and I can sometimes create problems in my writing. It's that I see the scene so clearly in my mind that I can't help but to write down unnecessary details about the scene.

I guess I struggle with presentation as well. I use too many redundant words or phrases. For example, I would probably write, "He fell down," instead of "He fell."

Sometimes, I think I write a too much words for something that only needs a few.

Like, if I were to use the phrase, "a house" in a sentence, I don't think I'd be able to leave it as such without at least describing it's color.

So something like this:

>He cycled past a bunch of houses.

I'd probably write this instead:

>He pedaled in a steady rhythm past a bunch of blue houses with climbing vegetation sticking to their porches' fences.

I'm gonna try to write more sentences like the first one rather than the latter.

I have kinda decided that since I struggle with these aspects of communication, I'll try to prioritize clarity and simplicity.

This is also why I'm much more wary of my sentences. I don't want them to become too long. I find that it's easy to loose track of it's inner workings then. However, I know that sentence variety is good since otherwise, the reader experiences too much stop and start.

Anyway, now you know /mlpol/. Ty for listening to my TED Talk. Feel free to tell me what you think.

>>371817
After reading through my post, I realized some things. One was how many grammar problems a post I thought was flawless had. Another, that the amount of description a subject gets in your story indicates it's importance.

I think that's what pacing, partly, is. To not get bogged down with the things that aren't vital to the story and instead focus on the ones that are.

>>370753
Do you still do that thread?

>>371796
>>371817

Video is actually pretty solid. Several of these points are things I've pointed out repeatedly in reviews I've done, so I feel a bit vindicated. If ever I'm in doubt, I at least know that I'm as qualified to give writing advice as some numale on YouTube.

> I don't like the word "writing" or to describe authors as "writers". I prefer "storyteller" and I think the distinction between them matters.
Definitely two separate but interrelated crafts. Writing is the act of constructing a written document, and it's mostly a technical process. Storytelling, or maybe "storycraft" would be a better word for it, is a more nuanced skill that is harder to teach or explain.

Crafting a story is about not only putting the events of the story together, but understanding who your characters are and why they are doing what they are doing. I generally agree with you that storycraft is the more important of the two, as it determines whether or not the story speaks to the reader or moves them. Writing is the act of communicating it to the reader. Someone who can write well but can't put a good story together isn't likely to move anyone regardless of how prettily they can write.

That Chatoyance Kafka thing I reviewed earlier is a good example of this. By Fimfic standards, Chatoyance is actually a pretty good writer, but his storycraft leaves a lot to be desired. His characters were mostly bland and forgettable, the story wasn't all that interesting or moving, and it suffered from pacing problems.

That said, I wouldn't say that writing should be entirely discounted. Even if you have a great story with great characters and you can see every scene clearly inside your head, if you can't communicate it to people in language they can understand, you'll never be able to make the audience see what you see.

Rainmetall is a good example of this issue. The author clearly had something epic in mind, but between the ESL and the bizarre formatting, it was just too damned hard to understand. Most of his vision was lost in translation.

The ideal is to have both skills, but if you're going to be strong in one and weak in the other, being proficient at storycraft and deficient at writing is better than the other way around.

>I struggle with the language barrier and with overwriting.
>My struggles with the language barrier includes: A lack of vocabulary, faulty grammar, and spelling errors.
To be perfectly honest, this is why I let you slide on a lot of things that I would hammer other authors over. As I've said before, you have a pretty good instinct for building a story, you mostly just struggle with actually writing it out. Quite a bit of this is probably due to ESL. I agree that you'd probably be better off using simple language that conveys what's happening, rather than trying to get too fancy. However:

>>He cycled past a bunch of houses.
>I'd probably write this instead:
>>He pedaled in a steady rhythm past a bunch of blue houses with climbing vegetation sticking to their porches' fences.
and
> if we followed the advice that characterization is a always a plus. However, if I force characterization on character who's only purpose in my story is to fight in an action scene, I'm not using my time on what makes me passionate about my story.
Something to keep in mind here is that sometimes these details do matter. The important skill you'll want to develop is learning to sense which details are important enough to include. Sometimes the color of the houses or the type of vegetation are important to the setting.

For instance, in Absalom, Absalom Faulkner spends a lot of time talking about wisteria, and climbing vines on the sides of the plantation house, and shit like that. The little details don't matter to the plot, but they do help paint a picture of the natural environment of the American South, which actually is essential to the story.

Likewise with characters. If a character just fills a perfunctory role in a single scene, he probably doesn't need any serious characterization, and it would be a waste of time and space trying to cook up an elaborate backstory for him. However, it's worth keeping in mind that the character is still a distinct personality, and that for this imaginary person, the moment he appears in your story is the culmination of his entire life up until that point. Evil Ninja A might serve no role in the story other than to throw a few punches for Anon to deflect before getting knocked unconscious and tossed off the roof. However, he has a distinct personality and a past, and all of that factors into why he is where he is, and why he is trying to use his sick Ninja skills to try and beat Anon into submission. Thinking about your characters in this way and trying to understand them will actually make it easier to write them in a more simplified way: if you know exactly who Evil Ninja A really is, then you should instinctively know what he will do in the story and thus won't need to spend any serious page space explaining his actions.

It's worth noting that, while this technically has to do with execution, it's a storycraft concept more than a writing concept.

As an aside, one of the things I've been trying to work on recently is developing a distinct narrative voice in my stories, instead of just narrating events. For instance, the last thing I did on Fimfic is a story told by an old pony looking back on a formative event that happened when he was young. The events of the story would play out the same one way or the other, but the way it's told adds an interpretive layer that otherwise wouldn't be there. The older version of the character is able to reflect on these events and see them in a way that his younger self wouldn't have been able to at the time, thus the narrative voice is actually part of the story.

As another aside, I've resumed work on The Muffins of Madness, and I'm trying to do something similar with narrative voice in that one.

>>371821
I forgot all about it honestly, but I will go ahead and do that.

>>371821
>>371841
>>371842 →

>>371796
>canadian
heh, I forgot all about the Hoarse Fucker saga, but that was an absolute masterpiece. I hope that anon is still around here somewhere.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urr55rAreWc&ab_channel=Adam%E2%80%99sEnglishLessons%C2%B7engVid
This is one of my go to videos for when I need to freshen up on my basic understanding of english grammar. This video is also the source I first learned the concepts that are brought up in it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-v4R2ZcxPlA&t=204s&ab_channel=TerribleWritingAdvice
It's classic. While I haven't gone off the deep end (or maybe I have, hmm), I think it's human nature or rather the ego that causes on to exhibit the same or similar behavior as shown in the video.

Now, do I recommend the rest of the channel. Mostly, tho I disagree with certain takes like fridging (tl:To kill of close female character to motivate the protagonist) being a problem. I see it more as proof that woman matter more than men since if the hero's friend instead of woman died then, then who literally cares? Can you fuck your friend? No. Q.E.D ;)
But maybe there's more to it that I'm not considering.

So yh, I just felt like posting these videos since I think they are good sources of writing advice.

>>371922
>I disagree with certain takes like fridging (tl:To kill of close female character to motivate the protagonist) being a problem. I see it more as proof that woman matter more than men since if the hero's friend instead of woman died then, then who literally cares?
I haven't watched the video you're referencing so I'm not sure what exactly he says, but if you're going to kill someone off to motivate the protagonist, it doesn't necessarily have to be a female or a love interest, the death of anyone close to the protag will have the same effect.

Take Hamlet. His entire motivation is avenging the death of his father, to the point where he spends most of the play brooding angstily about it. Meanwhile, his love interest just kind of gets slapped around until she eventually suicides, and Hamlet gives basically no fucks.

>>371923
>it doesn't necessarily have to be a female or a love interest, the death of anyone close to the protag will have the same effect.
I agree.
I think this is more like, you know, showing the audience a villain is evil by having him kill a puppy. Kinda of a shortcut.
I haven't read Hamlet but thanks for the interesting take.

Here are two excerpts from story concepts that I sometimes fantasize about making. I would like some feedback on their quality, specifically their clarity. Do you understand what is going on in the scene, except for contextual details like who Madoka is and such? Thanks in advance.

---

Madoka spun on her left leg, ducked her torso forward, and sent a spinning high-kick towards Junko's head.

Junko's expression didn't change, her scowl remained, as she calmly stepped out of range of Madoka's attack.

Instead she took a long step forward with her left foot and followed up that movement with her right palm, planting it in Madoka's belly and sending her flying.

Madoka's back bounced against the ground and knocked the air out of her lunges. Her momentum caused her to roll passed the point of her impact. Twigs got stuck in her hair and painfully scraped her scalpe and pull her hairs strands' bottoms. She got dirt in her mouth and spat several times to clean herself of the taste.

She had ended up on her back so to get back up on her feet she began by pulling her legs to her and rolling up into a ball while lying on her neck and shoulders. Then like spring being released, she uncoiled and pushed off with her arms and abs. Her legs arched in the air as she jumped and she landed upright on her feet.

Madoka returned to her defensive stance. She'd been punished for hard-swinging, she realized that. So now she decided she would change her approach. She'd poke and prod till she found and opening in Junko's defense and then swing hard.

A small amount of surprise showed itself on Junko's face. She'd expected the Ghoul to charge at her again, mindlessly but instead it almost seemed like she'd learned from her mistake and adapted to it.

She didn't like it. Junko prefered her ghouls to be emtionally off-center. So she stuck her tongue out in combo with a condecending grimace and gave the middle-finger to the ghoul.

Seeing this hateful expression from her mother, directed at her made Madoka pull back for a moment. Junko saw this subtle movement and was pussled on a subconcious level. Usually, the ghouls she fought would lose themselves to rage after she taunted them not cower.

Madoka's shock only lasted for a moment though, then she relaxed. Her mother had told her about this trick afterall. She knew this.

She slapped her chest with her hands in a "come at me bruh" kind of gesture.

Madoka hadn't intended for her retaliation taunt to be effective. She kinda just thought the situation was humours and went along with the bantz. She hadn't expected her mother to fall for her own trick. However, as her mother tilted her face back in a queer fashion with a face of angry disgust, she realized she'd done that.

Junko could feel herself getting angry despite herself. She had felt for a while now that she'd figured out the optimal emotional state to be in a fight. To her, it was inbetween angry and disintrested, which she refered to as focus. If she wasn't a bit angry, she felt she couldn't bring down her fist of justice upon the evil ghouls but if she only saw red, then she'd make mistakes due to... well not thinking. It just bothered her so that this tiny ghoul felt so confident in her presence. It felt amiss and made her feel uneasy, like she missed something vital. Like she was walking into a trap but that feeling hurt her pride. That someone so small could hurt her.

Madoka started to sidewalk around Junko and Junko's followed suit. Then they both started to close the distance between them.

---

Ruby spread her footing wide apart and crouched. She drew a few figure-eights as she whirled her scythe in the air before resting it along her shoulders. The curved blade pointed at her waist. These quick movements pulled her hood off, revealing her determined face.

Her gaze was meet by her sister, Yang. Yang slammed her knuckles together and cracked her neck to the side, before taking up a traditional boxing stance. She bobbed her arms up and down and a meaty "ka-chunk" followed as the shotgun shells were loaded into her gauntlets.

For a while they only stood there, giving each other stink eyes, then Ruby disappeared as a sonic trail of falling rose petals took her place and began to circle Yang.

Yang's eyes tried at first to follow her movement but gave up. She knew it was hopeless to keep up with her speed. However, while Ruby had speed and damage, Yang had toughness and damage.

She took a deep breath and released it. She closed her eyes, took a more relaxed posture, and let her arms dangled at her sides.

She listened to the rustling of the petals as they kept accomulating and get kicked up on repeat when Ruby sprinted over them at an impossible speed. At this point Yang wondered if Ruby hadn't created a circle of red rose petals. She felt the breeze from the small whirlwind her sister had created with all her running. Suddenly she could make out the crunching sound of dry rose petals getting stepped on and then... She couldn't anymore.

Her eyes snapped open. She spun on her heel and saw what she expected.

Ruby comming down on her with her scythe raised high overhead. She swung it with all her might and it looked like she went from a reverse 'c' to a normal 'c'. Yang stepped in under and blocked the scythe with her left gauntlet as best she could. Her wrist took the impact of the staff rather than the blade of the scythe but her gauntlet still slide along the staff so the blade cut into her. The gauntlet ammunition rack was sliced clean off but the blade stopped at her wrist due to her aura taking the already mitigated blow.

Having blocked the attack, she went on the offensive, moved some of her lifeforce into her right arm before firing off her gauntlet backwards, boosting her now upcomming uppercut.

Ruby's eyes widen and with her crazy reaction speed and speed in general she flunged herself out of Yang's punch as she bucked off from her sycthe, sending herself and the sycthe off in opposite directions.

>>371941
Overall pretty good. There are still some ESL and spelling issues here and there but your English is improving. I can also see what you were getting at in your previous post, trying to focus on just raw description of what's happening in a scene without a lot of added fluff, and I think you were mostly successful. I don't have any difficulty following what's going on in the scene or visualizing the action. The only notable exception is this:

>Junko could feel herself getting angry despite herself. She had felt for a while now that she'd figured out the optimal emotional state to be in a fight. To her, it was inbetween angry and disintrested, which she refered to as focus. If she wasn't a bit angry, she felt she couldn't bring down her fist of justice upon the evil ghouls but if she only saw red, then she'd make mistakes due to... well not thinking. It just bothered her so that this tiny ghoul felt so confident in her presence. It felt amiss and made her feel uneasy, like she missed something vital. Like she was walking into a trap but that feeling hurt her pride. That someone so small could hurt her.
There are two problems here. First is that it's a bit wordy. This feels like you're sliding back into that overly-verbose, confusing descriptive style you said you were trying to move away from. Second is that everything here is basically a description of the character's emotions. This is likely why it ends up getting muddy and overly-descriptive: complex emotional states are difficult to put into words. This is one of those "show, don't tell" situations. Instead of describing what the character is feeling, try to show us how they are feeling through their actions. The basic thrust of this text is that Junko usually tries to maintain her composure during a fight, but Madoka's taunting is getting her riled up and she is starting to make mistakes. So come up with some action that conveys this. Maybe Junko grunts or growls, or she throws a reckless punch and misses, that sort of thing.

Here are some other things I noticed:

>a "come at me bruh" kind of gesture.
>went along with the bantz
Outside of greentext writing, you really want to avoid casual, shitposty language like this in your narration. The only exception would be if the story is narrated in first person and the narrator uses this kind of language in everyday conversation. It goes back to what I was saying about narrative voice: if a character is narrating, you want the tone of your narration to feel like that person's natural speaking voice. However, if there is no narrator and you're just describing action in the third person, you want the tone to be as neutral and utilitarian as possible. In the case of Madoka's gesture, it would be more helpful to just describe the movement she's actually making, instead of relying on the reader's presumed understanding of a colloquialism.

>she flunged herself
Usually, adding 'ed' to the end of a verb will make it past-tense. However, "flung" is already the past-tense of "fling," so you don't need to add the 'ed'. For some reason, "flinged" is also incorrect, even though it logically ought to work. English is a very stupid language sometimes.

>A small amount of surprise showed itself on Junko's face.
This phrasing is awkward. It would be easier to just say "Junko was surprised" or something to that effect. There are degrees of being surprised, but surprise itself can't really be quantified, thus you can't really have a small amount of surprise show itself.

> She kinda just thought the situation was humours
Unless she's a medieval doctor, the situation should be "humorous." Also, it should be "kind of," not "kinda," see my above statement on using casual language in narration.

>She swung it with all her might and it looked like she went from a reverse 'c' to a normal 'c'.
I think I basically understand what's happening here, but it's still an awkward way to describe it.

>knocked the air out of her lunges
Unless Madoka is doing aerobics, the air should be knocked out of her "lungs."

--------

>Do you understand what is going on in the scene, except for contextual details like who Madoka is and such?
Generally, yes; except for what I pointed out this is well written and easy to follow. The nice thing about action sequences is they don't really require much context. You can drop the reader into a fight scene with absolutely no lead-in whatsoever and they can still follow what's happening, even if they aren't familiar with the characters or don't know why they're fighting.

The only issue I have with this structurally is that it isn't clear how these two scenes connect to each other. I'm not sure if this whole thing is meant to be read as one piece, but based on what's here the two scenes feel disjointed. It reads like this:

>two characters are fighting
>we're not sure why
>page break
>now two completely different characters are fighting
>we don't know why these two are fighting either

Theoretically you could make an entire story like this, where it's just a collection of scenes in which anime girls beat the shit out of each other round-robin style for reasons that are never explained. It might even be kind of fun to read. However, without some overarching narrative connecting it all together, it wouldn't be much of a story.

As an aside, these names sound kind of familiar. From "Madoka" I'm assuming these characters are from Madoka Magica. I saw it a long time ago, but I don't remember who the other characters are or what the show was about exactly. All I remember is that I thought I was sitting down to watch a cutesy magical-girl show, but it turned out to be really surreal and fucked-up.

Have some fic. I had fun writing it.
One character's name is familiar, but she is not the horse.

>>371840
Hey! Glad you still remember my fic. Even if you remember it for those reasons. *insert an ungodly amount of elypses*
>That said, I wouldn't say that writing should be entirely discounted. Even if you have a great story with great characters and you can see every scene clearly inside your head, if you can't communicate it to people in language they can understand, you'll never be able to make the audience see what you see.

I'm starting to think execution is what truly makes the artist.
You don't actually need to be talented or skilled in order to put together a masterpiece in your head. With some luck and enough time, anyone can have a good idea eventually. Even a bunch of good ideas.
Anyone, even an autistic Vtuber fag, or a vitriolic Honkai player. It's easy enough, probable enough for the lazy to cling on.
But only a very small fraction of those people, actually put the work into making their vision a reality.
A much smaller fraction, actually see it through. And even then, only a miniscule percentage actually do it right.

Execution does override intent. And no amount of daydreaming about ebin stories is going to make you an artist. There's so much more about it besides having a vision. If you can't even express that "vision" by yourself, you're no artist.

>>372759
>masterpiece
Well, scrap that. Let just say...something of "acceptable quality".