/mlpol/ - My Little Politics

Also, as long as I've got everyone's attention, I've started uploading my Past Sins thing to Fimfic if anyone wants to updoot it.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/530869/how-i-spent-my-summer-vacation-on-the-moon

Bump to get this off page 4.

Hey does anyone here know how to construct the writing and characters and plot and setting for a fictional world in a videogame in such a way that the player's intended path through the world will confirm my biases and tell the player what I want to hear, while the villains are those I disagree with and want the player to hate?

Like how Bioshock Infinite was propaganda that made the player hate whites and save a white girl witch from her evil christian dad. Except I'm not a jew so instead of lying to slander whites I'll tell the truth about jews/niggers/muslims/libtards.

>>359278
>Hey does anyone here know how to construct the writing and characters and plot and setting for a fictional world in a videogame in such a way that the player's intended path through the world will confirm my biases and tell the player what I want to hear, while the villains are those I disagree with and want the player to hate?
Like the vast majority of the questions you ask, this one is flat-out bizarre and nearly impossible to answer. Somehow it manages to be extremely general and extremely specific at once. I honestly can't figure out if your posts are serious questions that you expect serious responses to, or if you just scatter bird seed on your keyboard and let a bunch of pigeons into your house.

I don't want to drag too much baggage from the previous thread into this one so I'll try to keep this brief. A big part of your problem is that you invest most of your mental energy into daydreaming about these big, convoluted ideas you want to write but obviously have no idea how to execute. So you come here and say "literally spoonfeed me step by step instructions on how to execute this extremely specific and elaborate idea I had, completely from scratch." Nobody can answer a question like that, at least not without writing the entire thing for you, and you're obviously not at a level where you ought to be attempting something like that anyway, because if you were you wouldn't be asking these sorts of questions. This is basically what I was ranting about before: you've been at this for about five years now, yet you've spent most of that time just spinning your wheels without really getting anywhere, and you have very little to show for your effort. What's more, despite contributing little actual writing, you still somehow manage to fill up about 2/3 of every writing thread we have with your random shitposts and comments.

If you want to improve your writing, here is how you do it: sit down at the computer, put your hands on the keyboard, write a piece of fiction, post it to the thread, get feedback on it, and then either rewrite it or write something new based on the feedback you received. Do that over and over until people start telling you that they like what you write. That's the secret. That's how you improve. That's the only way you're going to improve. It's that simple. There is no other method.

>The big story I want to write only contains hints of romance so spending time working on that at the expense of everything else isn't going to be particularly valuable.
This comment you made in the old thread is a prime example of how you're thinking about this the wrong way. Whether you rewrite the Twidash piece or start something new is up to you, but whatever you write, you should try to apply some of the feedback you received for that piece; otherwise, you didn't learn anything and it was a waste of everyone's time. If you're still worried about whether or not you need to understand romance in order to write your Nazi space-opera, you've once again completely missed the point. Your goal at present should be to master the basic building blocks you're going to need in order to write literally anything: how to lay out a scene, how to make characters speak convincingly to each other, how to clearly communicate a simple idea, and present it in a self-contained scene that feels as though it has a beginning, a middle, and an end. The Twidash piece you submitted needs work in all of these area.

If the Twidash idea bores you and you don't want to work on it further, that's perfectly fine. However, you should definitely continue to work with small, single scene vignettes like that, for the same reason that beginning art students start off sketching bowls of fruit or those little posed mannequins. Write, get feedback, apply feedback, rewrite; that's the process, that's how this works. You're not going to get anywhere if you're unwilling to do that much. Any experience that teaches you anything is going to be valuable, but in your case I'd stay away from politics and other subjects you have strong feelings about, because you get pulled off the rails much too easily.

And for God's sake, as far as posting on the board is concerned, please stop veering off topic all the time with these random tangents about everything you thought was good or bad in this or that video game. If we were interested, we'd ask. If we're not asking, assume we don't care and keep your thoughts to yourself.

>>359329
I'll take this thread from page 2 to the front page by replying to you about me even though I wish these threads were about writing. Shame nobody wants to talk about writing here. Maybe if I draw attention to the lack of activity and content, reverse psychology will make people want to get active and create content? It would be nice if this thread was full of people genuinely interested in the craft of writing for its own sake. Or genuinely interested in the right-wing political goal of creating effective propaganda to counter the abundance of low quality leftist propaganda drowning out media these days.

"Read better and write more" is obvious advice. Do you think you could recommend specific works that would help me make what I want to make? It would help more than repeating fortune cookie advice or talking down to me like you want my respect. I don't have to ask your permission to speak about writing in the writing thread. If this thread is actually about control and trying to shame people, then it's not really a writing thread.

I didn't go on any tangents about video games in this thread. Did mentioning Bioshock Infinite really bother you that much? It's a popular nefarious propaganda game made by Jews to attack whites. A racist white utopia in the sky with quantum magic and slavebots has nigger maids who chimp out and your time travelling daughter genocides your kind so you can't become a racist and give birth to her. I want to make an altruistic propaganda game. I don't think I'll find any help writing it here.

>>359348
Chill out bud. You've been making this sort of questions for some time now. It's only natural some might have grown tired of it. I appreciate you're being active, but there's only so much that can be done to help you. The core issue is that you need to improve your skillz before you can start worrying about writing useful propaganda.

>>>/ub/6539 →
On second thought, what in the fuck nigel?
What did she put on your tea?

>>359348
>Did mentioning Bioshock Infinite really bother you that much? It's a popular nefarious propaganda game made by Jews to attack whites.
Yeah, because that's what he complained about in his post. Indeed. It was totally metioned at all.

>>359349
>>359359
Yeah, this is why I don't engage with his posts anymore, or the once about helping improve in his craft at least. As I said before, I like some of his posts but you know, this is the kind of trash posts you get as replies when you try to help him on these posts. Not that he's never taken advice to heart but in general.
I have already wasted way too much time on him, I try to stay away as not to waste even more.

>>359329
Anyway, GG. I have written the first part of chapter five of our project and I got it planned out, but it will take some days to finish.

>>359361
I just had to add this:
>write more" is obvious advice.
yet you fail it.

>>359359
>the ub post
>instead of a borderline unreadable "fuck you nigel" disclaimer
kek. pot meet kettle
>Bashing bad pony stories that were written years ago is a lot easier than helping someone write a good story today.
GG is trash now, huh :P
Also, remind me have you ever criticized FE?

Honestly, this whole post reads like copium to me.
>I don't care. I don't care. I don't care.
>You're faggots for liking mlp.

But the central point of your post is all backwards tho, (well, there'ssome naunce as well).
You're wrong because you're not adding anything to the thread with these joke-questions and other trash posts you make. Sometimes they have something I can agree with but it's mostly white noise to me.
But you're partly right, I remember Ninjas talking about how you were responsible for making GG into what he is today (or something) because without your silver star story, GG wouldn't have started reviewing. In fact, it felt like everyone on the board was in those threads.

This is a slow board. I'm not against fun-posting but there's also no need to feel a this pressure of having to post to keep something alive. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. Then it was fun while it lasted.

>>359348
>Shame nobody wants to talk about writing here. Maybe if I draw attention to the lack of activity and content, reverse psychology will make people want to get active and create content? It would be nice if this thread was full of people genuinely interested in the craft of writing for its own sake.
Oh, just stop already. How is it even possible for a human being to be this dense? Is this your honest to God perception of what you've been doing? Are you seriously this oblivious to how your behavior comes across to other people?

Well, after reading this post:
>>6539
I realized that the answer to all of it is basically a hard yes. We'll have more on that in just a minute.

First, we should get some of the preliminaries out of the way:

>I didn't go on any tangents about video games in this thread.
That's because we're only 9 posts in and you haven't had the chance to seriously derail anything yet; I'm just trying in vain, it would seem to nip this shit in the bud before this thread turns into every other thread you've shat up with your endless nonsense. I'll call your attention to pic related, which is a screencap of the last post you made in the previous thread. I've added a helpful color-coding system.

I'd like to clarify that the green portions are only "on topic" in that they stay within range of the point (it seems) you were trying to make. There is no meaningful contribution to the thread in here, it's just you blogposting. At least 2/3 of it is just you complaining about Mass Effect, for crying out loud. Who is this shit even for?

This is not an isolated incident, either. I mean, look at some of the other "contributions" you've made to our "writing discussion":

>Do you think my story should have a scene where a liberal is overheard bullshitting another liberal about white privilege while visibly ignoring all the blatant signs of nigger and jew privilege around him?
>Are the following places so pozzed I can't talk openly about hating niggers and wanting to write stories about my hatred for niggers where the white heroes have to stop the evil niggers?
What kinds of ridiculous questions are these? How is a person supposed to respond to something like this?

And here:

>I've been a fool.
>Something explicitly political from the outset will be noticed as such and rejected by anyone who could have learned something from it. It cannot be explicitly political in nature. It can't end with the death of a tyrant and the death of his bad economic policies when 99% of the RPG audience think Economics is spelled UUDDLRLRABS.
>I need to be subtle with my biases, even though I think I am an unbiased normal human who's normal to say "Freedom is good and the Epsteins in power are evil". Someone used to a lifetime of propagandization will think freedom is bad and the Epsteins visibly in power are victims of invisible white power. If my story is to reach that kind of person my stories must be short and subtle.
>My stories are still trying to cram too much into too small a space. These are big ideas that need more room to breathe.
Instead of blogging about it, why not just fucking do it?

And here:

>Even a 100 hour RPG would struggle to contain this much intellectual content when so many 100 hour RPGs actually have mind numbingly simple stories that make My Immortal look like good writing while the gameplay makes Raid Shadow Legends look like a good game.
>People mock the Metal Gear series for having overly talkative cutscenes. Mostly because the writing is fucking atrocious, overly wordy and self indulgent, and full of signs the author only watched movies and never read any book that didn't also have a movie. But also because the writing keeps getting in the way of gameplay. And the one time it didn't, in MGSV, there was basically no writing, just shit that happens sometimes while you are constantly lied to for no rhyme or reason. (Maybe Hideki Kojima thought the theme of 1984 was lies?)
Literally what the hell are you even talking about?

And here:

>Christ I've gone so far up my own ass with this writing shit I could call my large intestine the director and my sphincter the co-writer, with special thanks to the protein cookie and berry smoothie I ate for breakfast.
Did you think any of us wanted to know this?

And here:

>Sick of the pseudointellectualism in video essays. What the fuck is this shit even supposed to mean? A cyborg is a man with mechanical bits. There's no "lived social reality" in fiction about fucking bitches up with sick cyber arms. The femtard is just waffling word soup to get her fuckwit flock of sheep to nod. Anyone stupid enough to think there's anything smart in this quote (or dishonest enough to pretend there is hoping to appeal to the feminist babykiller for profit crowd) can't have anything worth a damn to say about writing. Fuck this I'm not watching this.
Nobody cares; that's why nobody asked.

>Whenever the topic of politics in fantasy comes up in multi hour youtube analyseses the guy either says obvious advice like "Dont be bad. Dont be obvious. Dont be annoying" or retarded alien jewish advice like "to ensure the readers dont think the evil organization is cool and worth idolizing despite how much evil shit it does to kittens, puppies, blind crippled orphans, and the heroes, make sure that it is a mean rude anti individuality organization that treats its evil underlings like shit and doesnt let people express themselves because that is truly the highest evil".
Nobody cares; that's why nobody asked.

>I need to write my stories faster, improve their quality, and write about stuff people actually want to read these days.
Instead of blogging about it, why not just fucking do it?

>I have absolutely no fuckmothering idea what I am doing. I need to scale my ambitions down and make something quick and small so I can learn from feedback instead of trying to make my first work the magnum opus of my career.
Instead of blogging about it, why not just fucking do it?!?

>>359384
Also, please bear in mind that this is just what I managed to comb out of the last 100 posts made to the thread. Seriously, consider the following: the bump limit here is like 700 posts, just about every writing thread we have ends up getting filled with a majority of your posts, and nearly everything you post resembles what I quoted. To your credit, you do occasionally ask serious questions or make meaningful contributions. However, if all, or even most, of your posts fell into that category, we wouldn't need to have this conversation every few weeks, now would we?

Anyway, now that we've gotten all of the boilerplate stuff out of the way, I'd actually like to take a closer look at this mountain of autism:
>>>/ub/6539 →

On the surface, I'd say Sven's interpretation makes the most sense: this is basically just cope and butthurt. However, the more closely I read it, I think there's more going on here. In fact, this may actually be the most complete cross-section you've ever given us of your entire loony thought process. Seriously, after reading this I feel like an enormous piece of the puzzle just slid into place.

Let's see, how do I put this exactly? You have...a tendency to construct these weird inner narratives for yourself, which you then overlay onto reality, until eventually it becomes reality for you. Once you've settled on a narrative it's nearly impossible to dislodge, no matter what facts you're confronted with. It's probably easier if I demonstrate this with an example.

The attached video is something I found in our webm thread. I've always been perplexed by people who do stuff like this. It's not just the silly self-absorption of posting a video like this, it's the guy's level of delusion. I could see doing something like this to be ironic or silly, but that doesn't seem to be the intent. This guy seems to genuinely think that he looks intimidating. It's amazing to me that anyone's self image could be this far from reality.

You remember when you thought that "glimmerniggers" were invading /mlpol/, and that's why everyone was hating on your Silver Star story? Or when you thought that some guy named HC Legend was following you around with a bunch of proxies? There's a similar delusion at work here:

>Though talking like that would probably get a few people to try reviving the thread out of spite for me. I wouldn't care about their reasons for doing so, and maybe if they read books once in a while they'd discover something in life that can become more important to them than me like literature. I could try to use reverse psychology. But that's too manipulative and manipulation is evil. If I say "I am glad that thread I hate is dead" those who hate me might want to keep the thread alive. But what would they fill it with? More useless "fuck you nigel"posting? I can't see any of them actually trying to better themselves as writers in my absence or even post about writing at all in my absence, because nobody did that in my absence.
This shows that there is simply an enormous gulf between what you think is going on, and what is actually going on.

As far as I can tell, you genuinely believe that the ridiculous nonsensical word-salads you've dumped into every single writing thread we've ever had are meaningful contributions to a discussion about writing. You even seem to believe that you've been carrying the entire writing thread by yourself, and that everyone who tells you to stop monopolizing it with your idiotic blogposts is somehow hindering it.

Poor ol' Nigel. He's just trying to perfect his craft and have a serious conversation about literature, but oh no, the haters just keep on hating. The issue can't possibly be that you, Nigel, are driving everyone insane by constantly dumping your diary entries and random observations about video games into a thread that is supposed to be about reading and critiquing each other's writing. The issue can't possibly be that anons are actually trying to have a serious writing discussion, and are getting really fucking annoyed at the way you keep monopolizing every writing thread and turning it into your personal diary/blogspace. Nope, that can't be it. The issue is that the haters just won't stop hating.

Obviously, the issue can't be that you contribute very little to the writing thread in the way of actual writing, and what few pieces you do contribute show meager progress at best. It can't be that you ask more questions than anyone, but never seem to apply any of the advice you're given. It can't be that the incredibly low quality of your own work never stops you from offering your unsolicited, angry opinions on the work of AAA game developers and other serious professionals, or that your critiques of said professionals contain no substance beyond calling everything "gay" or "leftist" or "gay and leftist." Nope, the issue is that those doggone haters just won't stop hating.

And of course, there is nothing irritating or obnoxious about the absurd levels of arrogance on display in statements like these:
>I need to improve my writing so it can save lives.
>I'm taking on an impossible challenge here for the sake of my people.
>I have people counting on me now. Can't afford to waste time. Can't waste time. Brb working on stuff. I'll make my loved one proud.
>Every fucking year the anti-white programming gets worse. And I'm supposed to counterattack against all of this with a fucking RPG about catching monsters and making them fight, or a fucking board game about sending wizards and knights to kill each other?

Obviously, there is nothing cringeworthy or silly about a guy who can't even master the most basic writing concepts despite having had it explained to him eight ways from Sunday behaving as if the fate of the world depends on his writing. Nope, it's all just a massive hater conspiracy, and poor ol' Nigel did nothing wrong. Maybe HC Legend is back at it with his 7 proxies.

>>359387
>>>/ub/6539 →

There's a reason I compared you unfavorably to Sven earlier. I give him shit about his bad English and poke fun at him sometimes I still get the occasional chuckle remembering that "fishy with no doubt" thing, but I actually have a tremendous amount of respect for that guy. It's not because I think he possesses some amazing talent, nor do I even think I'm in a lofty enough position to evaluate such talent. No, I respect Sven because he does the fucking work. He clearly puts a lot of time and effort into his writing, he asks for serious feedback, and uses the feedback he's given to improve. He probably works harder at writing than I do, if we're being perfectly honest. Moreover, he manages to do all of this without monopolizing the entire goddamn writing thread and turning it into his personal fucking livejournal.

He doesn't go around spouting lofty ambitions like wanting to "save lives" with his writing either; he just wants to improve for the sake of improving. He's been at it for about as long as you have, too. What's more, he shows actual improvement, all while writing in a language he doesn't even speak natively. I have a high respect for anyone who even attempts that, no matter what their output is like. I sure as hell couldn't write a story in Swedish. Actually, I gave it a try once; here's the audiobook:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YN1hL9cn7s0

While I'm on the subject, the same goes for the Mexican guy who wrote Rainmetall (I'm assuming these >>359349 >>359359 are him since we don't have that many Mexican flags or EQG posters). I gave him a lot of shit because his story was...basically incomprehensible...but I honestly respect the effort, particularly the effort of writing in an unfamiliar language. I genuinely hope he keeps at it.

I mean, hell, look at this:

>>359349
>Chill out bud. You've been making this sort of questions for some time now. It's only natural some might have grown tired of it. I appreciate you're being active, but there's only so much that can be done to help you. The core issue is that you need to improve your skillz before you can start worrying about writing useful propaganda.
>>359361
>Yeah, this is why I don't engage with his posts anymore, or the once about helping improve in his craft at least. As I said before, I like some of his posts but you know, this is the kind of trash posts you get as replies when you try to help him on these posts. Not that he's never taken advice to heart but in general.
>I have already wasted way too much time on him, I try to stay away as not to waste even more.

These two posts, from Paco and Sven respectively, sum up the essence of my post more succinctly than my post did, including the stuff that clearly went sailing right over Nigel's head the way it usually does. Seriously, Nigel, think about it: two guys who don't natively speak English have better English reading comprehension than an actual English person. Actually, these guys managed to cut to the substance of what I've been saying in a couple of sentences, while I'm sitting here pounding away at my keyboard like...well...like Nigel.

Anyway, do you understand where all of this is going, Nigel? Has any of it finally penetrated the thick fog of the fantasy world you live in, the world in which endless word-vomiting about writing as an abstraction will one day grant you the magical powers you need to write a perfect piece of reverse propaganda, thus liberating you from the need to actually practice writing, if only those dang ol' haters would stop hating?

Look man, I'm getting tired, and I'm sure everyone else is too, so I'll drop the snark. You complain about being given "fortune-cookie advice" instead of specifics, but the problem is that a lot of writing involves concepts that can be understood but not easily communicated. It's like learning to play the drums: there's some basic technical stuff you can have people teach you, and some more advanced technical stuff they can teach you when you get a little better, but the core of it is intuitive and you just have to learn to do it by feel. What you call "fortune-cookie advice" is the closest thing anyone can give you to instruction. Meanwhile you're grousing because you want to play heavy metal but people keep showing you ska riffs.

Trying to teach you how to write has been like trying to teach the drums to someone with no innate sense of rhythm. You make the experience even worse with your shitty behavior. This is a thread full of drummers. We're not necessarily great drummers, but some of us are okay, and we all share a common goal of just wanting to practice and get better. You seem to feel as if that's what you're doing too, but it isn't. You are not only by a wide margin the worst drummer here, you're still struggling with basic hand-and-foot coordination after five years. In and of itself this isn't that bad; if you were just some diligent, hardworking guy who keeps hitting the wall, we'd probably feel some sympathy and would try to help if we could.

That's not you, though. You're not the plucky little Scootaloo that we simultaneously pity and admire, because she always gives 110% even though she'll probably never fly. No. You're the loudmouthed, vainglorious Great-and-Powerful-Trixie asshole who A) sucks worse than anyone, B) annoys everyone with your autism, and C) is physically incapable of shutting the fuck up. You're the guy who doesn't practice but is always asking for pointers on technique. You're the guy who can't even play along with the "learn 2 drum" CD that we all mastered years ago, but who keeps bugging everyone to teach him Neal Peart solos. You're the guy who loudly inserts his opinions on why this or that drummer is gay and/or a leftist into every conversation despite nobody asking. You're the guy--

Whoops, there's that snark again. Sorry about that. Also, there's my old arch-nemesis the character limit. I'll wrap this up in one last post.

>>359388

Anyway, here's the key takeaway you really need to internalize: every writing thread we have on this board, one way or the other, always ends up turning into The Nigel Show. The reason for this is not some mysterious group of haters who follow you around the site trying to bring you down. The reason is (You). And (You) need to stop. And yes, I am aware of the irony of me accusing you of monopolizing the writing threads when I am currently on my fourth post of venting about (You). I am going to finish this up and then I've said my piece and I'm fucking done.

Your problem, Nigel, is that you just don't seem like you're that serious about any of this. You claim to be, but your actions don't back it up. You prattle endlessly about these grand ideas and ambitions that you have: "my Nazi space opera is going to save lives and redpill the normies and I have important work to do and this is an impossible struggle I'm undertaking for the good of my people, and so forth and so on and yada yada yada I love the taste of cock," yet what have you actually produced? To my recollection, three things: Silver "I literally shove bowling pins up my ass" Star, that crazy lion-man thing that was basically just an angrier version of Silver "I love penises more than I love a tall glass of lemonade on a hot summer's day" Star, and this mediocre Twidash piece you just gave us (that you don't seem to have much interest in trying to build upon or even learn anything from). That's it. That's the sum total of your five-year writing effort. Actually, to be fair, you did also post that one greentext about Star Wars that wasn't awful, so I guess credit where credit is due as far as that goes.

I have no idea how much time you spend working on your various writing or game dev projects off site; for all I know it's a lot. However, as far as this thread goes, the ratio of actual writing to diarrhea diary entries is too far skewed in the wrong direction for you to be making these sorts of ridiculous claims:

>The writing thread might keep on fading away forever if I don't draw attention to it somehow.
>I should probably single handedly keep it active by checking on it numerous times per day, replying to any new posts quickly, trying to spark new discussion where there wouldn't normally be any. But I'm too busy to keep doing that.
>I never thought the thread would just go belly-up like that without me around. Jesus.
>Maybe I would draw a lot of attention to the thread if I said "Mwahahaha I am glad that foolish circlejerk of foolish fools has fizzled out and died without me to thanklessly single handedly keep it afloat! Those pseudointellectual AVGN CinemaSins wannabes can suck it! There is more to literary criticism than calling the blue curtains shitty and fetishistic! Anyone can take that same attitude to the greatest of stories and invent things to complain about! You have to ask yourself if you're criticizing media to help creators or just bashing media to hear yourself speak, and if it's the latter you have to make peace with the fact that this is an inherently masturbatory activity motivated by the pursuit of self validation and some people won't find any value in that! If you give criticism in a way that makes the object of criticism not want to listen, that criticism has failed!" but I don't talk like that.
Again, this latest blog entry of yours is an amazingly revealing cross-section of how your mind works.

"I, Nigel, the sperg who has barely written anything, let alone anything that anyone in their right mind would ever want to read, am single-handedly keeping the entire writing thread afloat by taking a massive dump in it two, three, maybe even four times a day. If I didn't mindlessly mash my keyboard every time I remembered something I didn't like about Bioshock II, the /mlpol/ writing community as we know it would cease to exist. I am the only user on this site with the courage to ask the important questions, questions like: 'how come people on writing forums always call me a racist when I tell them that I hate niggers?' If I didn't ask questions like that, then nobody would ask them, and then what would the writing thread even be for? Writing? Pish posh. Oh, but do these pathetic, horsefucking losers have any respect for the noble work I do? No, they just keep telling me to shut the fuck up, on account of how I'm annoying and never say anything interesting or important. Those dicks."

Unless you have somehow completely mastered the concepts of satire and irony, I have no choice but to conclude that the above text is your actual mindset.

This is not only silly, it's downright insulting and unfair to the people who actually use the writing thread the way it was intended, and who actually put serious effort into their writing. If you want to live in some ridiculous fantasy world, where you're some kind of warrior-poet battling the hordes of glimmerniggers and HC Legend proxies and space-jews and whatever the fuck other figments of your imagination you think are standing between you and the completion of your unwritten masterpiece, that's your affair. But for the love of God, please stop using this entire board as your personal blogspace.

Anyway, whatever. Below is a link to a zip file containing every writing book I have an electronic copy of. If you don't like the reams upon reams of useful advice we've given you, maybe you'll find something more to your liking in here. Everyone else can help themselves to these as well.
https://mega.nz/file/2HAG3aDY#ZGymsaaqN8p2l8sY7yjNyiZwOCm5vMDSYuxerGkyH30

That's all I've got. Don't forget to suck my balls.

>>359361
>Anyway, GG. I have written the first part of chapter five of our project and I got it planned out, but it will take some days to finish.
Boss. I'm all over it. I've had a couple of ideas where I think things could possibly go, I'll be curious to see if any of it will work with what you've added.

Also, while I was going through the old thread I noticed this:

>>357376 →
>Oh hey! I've been looking for threads like this one, althugh by the looks of things it seems like you guys alredy have a fair bit of your own writing projects in the proccess already.
>I was hoping that I could offer my old CYOA drafts that I haven't touched in a long time to make into proper stories or maybe even the CYOAs they were meant to be? I'd be happy to post them once there's enough interest shown in them.
>I believe GlimAnon seems to have suggested the idea of publishing the story to FimFiction? I just might do the same too, if no one objects to such an idea.
Somehow I didn't see this at the time it was posted, but I remember you from the movie thread. If you're still around and still interested, feel free to post your CYOAs.

Can anyone tell me why the thread hit page 4 before I posted?

>>359420
Anyone can bump without any content. Stop asking for cookies every time you do a trick.
Last (you) I'll give you, Bongnigger.

>>359420
A better question would be: why does the thread being on page 4 even matter? Currently the oldest thread in the catalog dates back to December and hasn't been bumped since January, and it only has 9 replies. We still have active threads that go back actual years. Spike has trapped on our board since March 1, 2018, and he's not going anywhere anytime soon. The /mlpolit/ thread has been with us since October 19th, 2018, and there's more interesting stuff to read in that thread than anything you've ever bumped one of these threads with. Even the horsepussy thread, which according to the standards of the community is supposed to be on the front page at all times, dates back to July of 2021.

If people don't have anything to add to a thread, they don't post. If an active thread has dropped down a few pages over the course of a week or so, it doesn't mean the thread is dead, it just means that nobody has posted in a couple of days. actual Writing takes effort, and not everyone is in the mood to work on something high-effort every day. So, it stands to reason that thread dedicated to writing might go through periodic doldrums.

I could see making a rescue-bump once it hits page 9 or so if literally no one has posted in that long or if an unusually large number of threads have been made, but even so: what is the purpose of just bumping it with filler content? The word "bump" and maybe a silly image or something would suffice in that case. Making people read a bunch of words that don't serve any purpose beyond bumping a thread is just going to piss them off. Here, watch:

It was high time that I checked into a motel. I had been sleeping soundly for nearly an hour and a half, when I was to be awakened by the sound of snoring. Having checked in alone, you can imagine my surprise, for in the bed next to me was a man who had fallen asleep fully clothed. I got out of my bed and walked to the foot of his. His shirt, shoes, pants...his belt was pulled tight, confining him. I couldn't bear it, so I proceeded to remove his shoes, revealing, to my surprise...the grey dossier. I was not fearful; on the contrary. He needed help and by God that's what I gave him. I reached for the complimentary bucket of ice, and in pouring the ice on the stagnant dress socks a sudden steam began to rise.

Do you feel better for having read that?

I'm going to sage just to be a dick

>>359424
I just thought it was funny that the thread went to page four. It went to page four again, by the way, but then I made this post so it won't be on page four again for a while. Probably. Anyway, I felt like I should try to put into words something that I've been thinking about for a while.

A man burns his steak. His wife comes in and yells about it.
>"You burned your steak you moron, why are you always like this, god damn it you never listen to me, you're hurting my feelings by being like this, I feel I feel me me I I I me me me, you're breaking my heart, muh feelings, your steak is proof you deserve to go to hell, adult professionals aren't supposed to suck like you do holy feckin' shit my guy eat a bag of dicks and die and get AIDS, people like you make me sick, you will never be a man, you will never have a man's ability to cook, you're a nigger for liking your steaks well done when medium rare is objectively the best kind of steak and the only kind that is real literature- I mean real cuisine, you've been at this for too long and you should be a pro by now and you would be a pro if you just listened to me when I tell you how much faggot dick you suck holy shit, god damn it all nobody ever listens to me, now sod off and scour the world to find out for yourself what better chefs than you do better than you and why! This is literally Goofus and Gallant except the ESL guy next door is gallant and you're voldemort! Try again a million times! Surely one of these days you'll improve at your skills by failing the same way enough times! Also why are you not improving? This must be your fault! Eat shit and gay dog dicks you fucking prick! God damn it you never listen, you never listen, you always deflect or whatever the catchphrase is and you never listen!".

The man who burned his steak isn't sure what the signal to noise ratio of that rant is, because he's learned that when his woman starts ranting, it's time to tune out and think about boobs until she looks like she's calmed down. He doesn't really feel like making more steak for his woman. She never liked what he tried to make in the first place, but he trusted her opinion because for the longest time she was the only person he knew who reviewed food.

His roommate comes downstairs and notices the steak.
>"Mate, you cooked your steak for too long at too high a temperature. I get that you want it well done and not medium rare for some reason, but this is fucking charcoal. Next time cook it less. Experiment with that next time, see if that improves your skills."

>"Thanks, man. I'll try it that way next time."

He feels like trying to cook steak again, because he knows what to try next time. He feels somewhat silly now, as if what was said was always that obvious, but he's glad he finally heard it. He feels like cooking steak for him, not for her. He's glad he met someone new who seems to have more of an interest in helping. His roommate doesn't need to demand respect with words and shaming tactics, he obtains respect by being right.

Suddenly, a thought occurs. His roommate doesn't really give a shit about politics. He doesn't vote and doesn't give a shit who rules him. But his wife is supposed to be a nazi who should want her white chef husband with dreams of stardom to improve. Everyone in their nazi book club should want a racist writer to become a better writer instead of constantly putting him down for trying and everyone in their nazi cooking club should want a racist chef to become a better chef instead of constantly putting him down for trying. And yet his wife puts effort into being offended and making a big stink about the work of others, while his roommate puts effort into giving valuable feedback. Despite not having a horse in the race, and not being a fan of racey horse content, or racist horse content, he just helps because he wants to. He is left thinking about that for a while, and why he's talked to his wife less about writing ever since he met another person he can talk to about writing, somebody he enjoys talking to about writing more.

Somebody who doesn't cry "It's nigel! it's nigel!" every time they see a british poster make a thread they don't like (staying silent when it's a thread they do like) and unlike some others in the thread, doesn't yell "shut up, nobody asked!" every time I open my mouth to post anything about writing in the thread that you say is supposed to be about everyone's writing and self-improvement.

I know I changed the genders in this story. It's my girlfriend who I talk to about writing. I'm glad I met her, because it's made me reconsider my relationship with a few people in my life. You remind me of a naggy wife when you lose your temper and feel the need to try to reassert your control over the situation. It's a pain to sort the valuable signal (writing insight) from the noise of how offended you are by what you're reading, how much you can't stand the bad pony literature you constantly read, and how much you wish you weren't reading something aimed at an audience demographic you aren't in. I'm okay with that. I don't resent you for it. It would be extremely hypocritical for me to resent you for being like that because I'm also an amateur writer on the internet with strong opinions. But lately I've been thinking about a lot of things. And I think the reason why I'm not learning anything useful from being yelled at and insulted and eventually reminded I need to seek out the secret of good writing on my own might be because I don't want to dedicate my life to writing fanfiction for a ten year old show about little girl ponies I liked when I was a teenager or getting mad about ponies on the internet forever. I replayed KOTOR recently. That game's still got some relevant philosophical insight to think about, and it made me rethink and rework some stuff in my big philosophical pro-white video game story that has nothing to do with ponies. I don't feel like writing self insert pony fics any more.

>>359564
Well, I was gonna post to GG today but I didn't finish the post. I wanted to discuss my thoughts on our project and how I felt flattered by his kind words in his lastest posts. Very kind c:

But onto you're post:

First, did you even read the post you're replying to? Or why are you bringing up "it was on page four, what a failure!" ? Like, we clearly don't think this is a problem so...

Secondly, you're verison of events is hard to even take seriously. We don't give you constructive advice? Do I even have to mention examples? I also remember myself trying to get you to "talk to me" as in I didn't want to order you do as I wished but more get an insight into why your write they way you do so we could just discuss the merits and cons of different approaches. But you never reply directly to things said, instead you make these strawman versions of posts like this one.

Thirdly, this just reads like more cope. If this stuff is beneath you now, cool, then leave. Are you gonna do this? Doubtful. Where else could you talk about these things? So stop acting like you don't give a shit just because GG didn't like you're story.

Now, don't take this as I want you to leave, I actually appriciate you on many levels so I do care and I'm not embarrassed about that either. However, you clearly you are. Otherwise if you aren't then why talk about how insignificant this whole thread really is but then complain that it isn't on page 1 at all times? I mean if we are literally as you describe us in this thread, you seem to have stockholm syndrome.

But yeah, I'm not gonna take your misrepresenting of this lying down but then again when I think about it not a single person could possibly share interpretation of these events or be convinced by you're version.

I question why I even bother explain any of this. Everyone already knows.

>>359393
Thanks, anon! Although these aren't really CYOAs, they're more like outlines for said CYOAs.
That being said, I'd love to collab with you guys on making it into a story of some sorts, or something similar, because I feel like the ideas behind it are tsories worth telling that not even /mlp/ wants to touch, because it's too "/pol/" or whatever, so I figured this would be the better place to do it.
A quick rundown of the few ideas I have:

>Equi Equis Edit
https://docs.google.com/document/d/131aSuYJZN5nTm4p1p2Fj8cGqHiJ5iZijvP9nybwzDQY/edit
<Looks like Anon’s shenanigans just can’t go on any longer.
<It seemed that for a time, Anon was able to get away with terrorising the non-ponies of Arcadia, a new planned town located within the Ponyville-Canterlot Metro Area.
<The law of the land upheld, Anon is sent away to a disciplinarium (a kind of friendship school dealing with 'troubled creatures') to be “reformed” at the Intermediary of Her Grace the Royal Mare, located at Los Potros in the Far South of Equestria.
<To further aid his “reformation”, a “friend” has also been assigned to help him.
<However, what he learns is that despite the façade, inter-creature conflicts still occur in the form of clandestine rival gangs, which plague the students with fear.
<To make matters worse, ever since Anon’s arrival, tensions among the students have only gotten worse, and now there’s even talk of a race war happening soon.
<Will Anon make it out of the school alive?

>Many Crystal Nights
https://docs.google.com/document/d/14UQU6g3PmkE3wZtl8ZFf2WYUNsUeIn2_Rz4OmNdn_Ys/edit
<In the distant Crystal Empire of ponies under a different flag, a new form of strife unlike any other is about to begin.
<The heir-apparent Flurry Heart has finally taken up the mantle from her mother. Following a second coronation, Flurry Heart rises to become the first Empress of the Crystal Empire, whose announcement has taken the Equestrian world by storm.
<In such tumultuous times, the Empress turns to you, her (most?) trusty chancellor/advisor. While , she is … and.
<The fate of the Equestrian world rests in your hands.

These are all just ideas but I was hoping that someone could make something from one of these or that we could maybe collab together on writing something in this thread? I understand if it's not something that's this thread's taste, but I feel like giving the ideas behind these stories in some form would be a worth a shot.
Hopefully I'll have some sort of satisfactory writing skills to bring the story ideas into proper writing somehow. I just feel like I can't do it alone and need people to keep me in check if the writing starts to go haywire.

>>359564
>I felt like I should try to put into words something that I've been thinking about for a while.
The next time you have this impulse you should reconsider it.

>>359577
Sure, looks interesting. Were you thinking of doing this as a large-scale collab, or did you want to try and primarily write it and have us give thoughts on it as you go?

>>359605
Large-scale collab.
I've tried writing on my own before, it really sucked. FimFic wouldn't accept my dreck.
Still thinking of maybe submitting the whole story on that site under a single pseudonym, though. Not sure if anons here might really like that idea.

>>359606
Well I think if the entire thread is writing the story then we should probably just come up with a collective pseudonym and submit it under that name. Also, I've found hackmd works pretty well for collaborative projects.

>>359685
Really? Maybe you could show me how it works and we can collab on how to put it together! Either as a full-fledged CYOA or a story.
What idea do you want to work on? Anon (or perhaps some other pony) getting sent away to "reform school" to realise racial animosity lingers among the groups, or the whole Empress Flurry Heart saga ordeal?

>>359689
It's pretty simple to use.

https://hackmd.io/

Create an account and then create a new note, and then there's a 'share' button you can use to publish it (it's still editable after publishing). You have the option to give read/write access, and can invite specific users. Anyone who wants to collaborate on this would then post their user name here and you could add it. Mine is glimglam12.

I haven't gone through the docs super-closely on either, but I think "anon gets sent to reform school" is the idea that appeals most to me, but I'd be willing to wait and hear input from anyone else who might be interested in participating before settling on a final idea.

>>359699
>Pricing
I just hope the "Free" options are as versatile to use.
But I'll be sure to add you when I start making the account and document. Hopefully we can all work together to start something interesting.
Question is how to implement a CYOA-like feature if we'll be posting this under a shared pseudonym on FimFiction?

>>359699
Alright, I've added you in, here's the document link:
https://hackmd.io/Tj3DqUnJTHiiH97-fjj
What time will you typically be on, if I my ask?

>>359717
Free version works well enough for collaborating on a text document, not sure if any other features will be required. I've actually never participated in a CYOA before, I might need a quick rundown on what exactly we'll be doing. I was thinking we'd just use hackmd for collaborating and then publish the finished text to FimFiction.

>>359729
I'm actually getting a 404 when I click on it. I think you might have copied the page url, you want to use the link generated by the share button instead.

>What time will you typically be on, if I my ask?
I have kind of an erratic schedule so I can't really make any guarantees about when I'll be on, unfortunately. I'm just sort of on whenever I'm on.

>>359742
Gotcha, here's the new link now:
https://hackmd.io/@2hdDaww3Sda1Qle_6AMRuA/Hk6M4uH12
>I might need a quick rundown on what exactly we'll be doing.
I wasn't sure if you wanted to do a CYOA or make a full-fledged story, but if writing stories is your greater strength, we can do that instead. I've never done a proper CYOA myself tbh.
>I have kind of an erratic schedule so I can't really make any guarantees about when I'll be on, unfortunately.
I guess this one will have to be a story for the long one, then. I'm not a good writer by any means, but hopefully I can make up for it with my storytelling skills... hopefully.

>>359757
Well, you certainly have passion. This is some grade-A autism ;^P. To be clear, I'm impressed by all this worldbuilding. This reminds me of a project I thought of dedicating a thread to. I thought it could be a headcannon thread where the board would come togather to create a worldbuilding such a as: Myths, continents, races, beasts, artifacts, and small stories set in this fanon universe.

So is this gonna be a cyoa or a collab? If collab, how will it be done? Is it in a similar way to mine and GG's collab: https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/SyZdTa3rj
Where one writes a chapter after someone else has written a chapter a then they write a chapter after that and so on.

I can't sadly participate right now, regardless of what it is sadly, because I'll be for some days now.

>>359742
Just and fyi to you GG, but I will not be able to write anything more on my chapter before 20 mars has passed. I kinda got lazy and now I'll be too busy to write anything for a while.
I'll continue my chapter after this date.

>>359757
Alright, since it sounds like we're leaning more towards a collaborative story, here's what I propose:

We do this as an informal collab sort of like what I have going on with the Swede, except instead of a round-robin style thing where one person waits for the other person to finish and post before he starts writing, we just open it up as sort of a free for all. One person needs to write an opening to get the ball rolling. I would suggest (You) (Singapore anon) take a shot at this since it's your idea.

From there, anyone who is following along who wants to add something to the story is free to do so. Anyone who wants to be part of the collab can create an account on hackmd, post their username to the thread, and you can add them as contributors to the document. If for whatever reason an anon doesn't want to create a hackmd account, they can just post whatever they've written to the thread and someone with an account can add it to the document.

The rules are as follows:

>contributors are free to add whatever they like to the story and take it in any direction they please, however no one is allowed to modify anything that a previous contributor has written. If something in the story rustles anyone's jimmies, they are free to retcon it in their own contributions; however, everyone should bear in mind that the same rule applies to their contributions as well.
>everything added to the story is canon, even if it makes no sense or is totally stupid.
>writing style or level of skill is not important. anons can write in whatever format they feel most comfortable. If you prefer to write in greentext, write in greentext. If you want to write formal prose or in screenplay style or anything like that, you can do that as well. the idea here is to just get the story out on paper.
>once we've reached a point where the story feels like it's finished, someone can edit the text into a coherent, flowing narrative. I'd be willing to volunteer for this position if no one else wants it. no core details of the story will be changed, it will just be a matter of correcting grammar and spelling, making the writing style consistent, dividing events into chapters as needed, and generally getting the document into a format that FimFiction will accept.
>once this is done, we can all decide on a pseudonym we want to use. at this point, we will create a FimFiction account and submit the story. Optional: if any anon wants to draw/photoshop us some cover art, we can add that as well.

I think this could turn out to be a fun collab if done this way. We might end up with a really engaging serious story, or we might end up with /mlp/'s Daring Do and the Jungle of Terror. Either way, I think it will be a fun project.

Here are some things for contributors to keep in mind:

>additions to the story are on a first-come, first-serve basis. if you struggle with writing or write slowly, it might be better to just write a couple of paragraphs or a short scene, instead of trying to do something long and complex. bear in mind that the longer you take to write something, the greater the odds are that the document will be modified by someone else while you're working.
>this is an informal project. I will not be applying my usual critical eye to anything that anyone comes up with, and if I end up as the final editor I promise not to erase or modify anyone's contributions beyond what is necessary to edit them into something coherent. however, I will add this one caveat: if I can't understand something, I reserve the right to make judgement calls about what you were probably trying to say.
>the idea here is just to have fun, so no one should stress out too much about whether their contributions are well-polished. Just try to make it coherent enough that the next person working can figure it out.

Anyway, that would be my proposal. If anyone else has any suggestions they would like to add, feel free to do so.

>>359780
>Just and fyi to you GG, but I will not be able to write anything more on my chapter before 20 mars has passed. I kinda got lazy and now I'll be too busy to write anything for a while.
>I'll continue my chapter after this date.
No biggie, take your time. We're not really on a schedule here so there's no yuge rush.

>>359831
Seems like a good starting point.
I'll post them in the doc and maybe modify them when we get there.
Right now though, the details of the "reform school" are a bit unclear on things.
What will the name of the school be? In which part of Equestria is the school in? Different climates means different range of creatures are more likely to appear, with say, Equestria's coasts being the most "creaturally diverse" of them all.
For ideas on what the schools names could be (and locations) I've placed a few examples here, including possible town names to go with:
>School of Peace and Harmony (Hoofs Bay)
>Starlight Academy of Friendship (Our-Town)
>The Royal Harmonium at Buffalo (Buffalo City)
>Twilight Sparkle's Magical School of Friendship (Ponyville)
>Reformatory School for Troubled Ones (Hockham)
>Restitution Academy for the Troubled (Roan Oaks)
>School of Unity Encouragement (Fetlocksburg)
>The Yellow Ribbon Second Chances Academy (Pleasant Meadows)

>>359844
Should add that since we're doing a collaborative story now, I don't think we can really go with naming the character "Anon". I do have ideas for possible placeholders that have an "Anon-like" name to them that we can choose, though:
>Green Hornet
>James/Jamie Hoofkins
>Clover Cookie
>Lucky Clover
>Clover Sage
>Screeching Goof
>Lyla/Lyle Hotsprings
>Midori Sour
>Melonball
>Shamrock Shake
>Asparagus Surprise
>Verdant Mystery
>Alotta Spunk
>Emerald Patina
>Jollygreen
>Rando Mambo

>>359832
Btw thank you for you're kind words you said in this thread and the last one about me. Warms my heart. <3
Gosig is indeed a word in swedish. Should have subtitled the video for you english people tho, I mean I understood but you probably didn't.
>I still remember the "fishy with no doubt" thing
Well, I got bad news for you, buddy, that wasn't me. It was mr Dusker Keaton as you named him. c:

>>359831
Also, are you able to access the document?
I don't seem to see any sign of you in there at the moment.

Here's something short.

---
He had only one love, and it was for a pony.
No one dared to help him, no one tried to.
They just let him rot, until there was nothing left
and then-
when he finally spoiled, and bacteria took over,
when people went sick, as the illness spread,
then they blamed him, pointer their fingers;
putrid sticks of corrupted bone

They claimed justice,
claimed he was a madman,
a lunatic!
Yet, he was no more.
---

It's about an Anon. I hope he found peace, I can't take it out of my mind, I just feel really bad for him.
Was trying to write something serious but that just came, so, well, here it is.

I guess the writefags are busy this time of year, huh?

>>360101
I am but soon I'll be back. c:

>>360101
Sorry, I've had some stuff going on the last couple of weeks. Yes, I am able to access the document now. If I remember correctly a user won't show up on the user list unless they happen to be editing the document at that moment, but they are still able to access it. I'm planning to go through it a little more closely at some point in the near future, I'll see if I have anything to add.

>>359865
>Btw thank you for you're kind words you said in this thread and the last one about me. Warms my heart.
<3

>Well, I got bad news for you, buddy, that wasn't me. It was mr Dusker Keaton as you named him.
lol wow, I guess it's been awhile then. I don't even remember who that is or why I named him that.

>>359986
Without knowing the story behind this, I like it. There's one minor thing:
>pointer their fingers
I'm assuming this is a typo, but I thought I should point it out.

Nice work, I'm sorry about your friend.

>>360101
I come back here like once every 6 months

>>360146
>I'm assuming this is a typo, but I thought I should point it out.
Sorry, I was phone-posting like a rat.
And it wasn't my friend, but I still felt bad for a fellow hoers enjoyer

>>360146
Been a dog's age since I checked /mlpol/. First thread I see is a Nigel thread and see you posting in a writing thread and brightened my dad considerably. Still got some ideas for stories I want to write and hopefully in the future you can check them out. Main one I was thinking of a CMC Trouble Shoes type thing of the main character having to help ponies close to him re discover the meaning of their cutie marks. Wanted it so he's got to help his wife and an old friend from when they were colts and young stallions. Got his wife with a fancy cutie mark and plain name and his friend with a fancy name and plain cutie mark so got one weighed down by the expectations she thinks she has and the other feeling fettered by having such a "boring" cutie mark that he blames for holding him back.

I'll confess I haven't read any in a very long time but would be nice to write a slice of life without any fetish/gore/crossover stuff that focuses on OCs. Like you said in your reviews of classic fanfics most of them aren't very good but I recently read The Star In Yellow and I really liked that one. Though I probably experienced the fic in the most backwards way with listening to the soundtrack of the RDP episode, then watching the episode, then reading the fic. Felt really nice to read an old fic that didn't have to be blatant with the tear jerking like Past Sins, no humans like My Little Dashie, and no crossover/fetish/gore stuff like Fallout Equestria.

>>360146
>I'm planning to go through it a little more closely at some point in the near future, I'll see if I have anything to add.
Oh, please do! I'm honestly not sure what direction to take this story in and I don't want the idea to go to waste, I reckon that getting some form of help around here would be nice.
I'm also hoping that you would be able to address the big details that I feel we must fill before we get to anything, as I don't think we could leave these details blank before we continue with the story:
>>359844
>>359845
Here's to hoping I hear from you soon! I'll look forward to seeing what ideas you have to take the story in.

>>360146
I'm back at writing again. Won't manage anything today but hopefully I could get a like a lot done by tomorrow. I'm working on it anyway.

You could say you won't have to wait too loooooong. Heh heh heh.

You like criticizing bad fanfiction, right? When Ian Flynn was much younger, he wrote this.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7bHbo4aKjSE

>360868
That belongs elsewhere.
>Crafting and beta-reading is what we do here, any critique of literature not made by a guy submitted for this thread should be incidental; it should be when you —as a beta-reader of fics posted ITT— make a comparison between the fic your reviewing and some other story for the sake of demonstrating your point, whatever it is.

>This is NOT: A review thread for unsolicited rants about random media which does not fall into the mold for how to use a reference in this thread described in the above paragraph.

>360868
Nigel plz leave

>>359064
Question, does this writefag thread also include writing for songs (specifically parodies relating to an /mlpol/-ish nature)?

>>360209
I'm going to try doing something on it this week, I've been rather lazy lately and haven't been working on much of anything. I need to get the ball rolling again.

>>360475
Awesome, look forward to reading it.

>>360868
I'm not sure who Ian Flynn is, according to the video and to Wikipedia it sounds like he's written some Sonic the Hedgehog comics and not much else. Apart from someone heavily invested in the Sonic fandom, I'm not sure who would have even heard of this guy, let alone would care about some cringe fancomic he wrote eons ago. As to the comic itself, it's hard to form a judgement from this video. It's a very quick, top-level summary and I'm not familiar enough with the Sonic universe to really follow what's going on. I'd have to see the actual comic to form an opinion, and I don't think the subject matter would have a broad enough appeal around here to justify the effort. I'm not really sure why you thought this was worth posting.

Also, this >>360872 and this >>360925

>>360978
It's more of a thread for fiction, but I've seen song parodies posted elsewhere on the board. A song parody thread could be a lot of fun.

>>361017
I hope you still want to continue our collaboration.
Will work on it the comming days hopefully I can get it out soon. c:

>>361377
For shizzle, I'm all over it.

>>361427
Niiice!

Btw, GG would u review this >>361402 → piece I wrote in the Anonfilly thread. I as kinda proud of it but nobody seemed to care so I just want some attention, plz :'C

Alright, so I've been teasing a rewrite/continuation of this old greentext for literal years now, and it's probably time to either shit or get off the pot. So, I went ahead and wrote the first chapter the other night.

https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/S1pk1skX3

I have completely forgotten most of the story, so I'm just rewriting it one bit at a time using the archived green as an outline. I'll probably just be doing revisions of it as I go, but I figured I'd post the rough here as I work on it, since people on this site have been asking about this story for awhile now. I'm not sure if I still have the notes I wrote up ages ago for the second arc I was planning, but either way I think I can remember basically where I wanted to go with it once I run out of green. This will basically be a rewrite of the original plus a continuation/conclusion of the story.

Comments/suggestions/input appreciated. Thanks for reading.

>>361582
Sorry, I missed this post somehow. I'll have a look at it.

>>361017
>>360209
Also sorry, I'm still procrastinating on your thing, but I will try to do something with it soon.

>>361402 →
>>361582
Just going to put my notes here so I don't hog space in the Anonfilly thread.

Overall not bad. Other than the usual ESL stuff the dialogue is good, it flows naturally and feels like genuine conversation. The behaviors and speaking patterns are appropriate for the characters being used (Fluttershy sounds and acts like Fluttershy, RD sounds and acts like RD).

There are a few things I noticed:

>The submarine to the seapony wonderbolts leaves port in a hour and I'm not gonna suba-dive into Kraken's Vill,
I think I get the general idea here, but "seapony wonderbolts" is somewhat ambiguous. Are these two taking a submarine to visit the Seapony Wonderbolts themselves, or are they going to watch a performance that these Wonderbolts are putting on? I suspect the latter, but you may want to clarify. Also, Seapony Wonderbolts should be capitalized. Also, "scuba" is misspelled.

>You don't think I can't manage being alone for a few days?
This is an awkward double-negative. It should either read "You don't think I can manage?" or "You think I can't manage?"

>face-hoofed
I've never been a fan of this term, but I've pretty much given up on trying to discourage people from using it.

>Cya' you mom!
This is very, very awkward. "Cya" is a contraction of "See ya," so what Anon is basically saying here is "See ya, you mom!" Even though it clearly isn't what you meant, in this context it feels like Anon is using the word "mom" as an insult. You should probably just go with "See you, Mom!" or "C'ya, Mom!" Also, you put the apostrophe in the wrong place. In contractions like this, the apostrophe usually goes in the place where the two abbreviated words are joined. In this case, "C" is an abbreviation of "see" and "ya" is an abbreviation of "You", so the apostrophe would go in between those two words.

>cacoons
Cocoons.

>As Flutttershy behind scraps across the floor
As Fluttershy's behind scrapes.

There are a few other minor grammar and spelling issues here but I won't harp on them too hard. Again, overall, this is pretty good.

>Remember that if you need anything, Discord is next door in another dimension!
This is a good line, I like this.

The main issue overall is that it's a little unclear what the purpose of the scene is. I'm not sure if this is something you are planning on continuing or if you wrote it as just a standalone, but the ending makes it feel as if the story ought to continue. If this is just intended as a short vignette, the open ending makes it feel unresolved, and it's not really clear what the scene is meant to convey. It's a cute little slice of life moment, but it doesn't really feel like much is going on; it's just Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash leaving Anon home alone with the bunny for the weekend.

There's not really enough "meat" in here for this to stand on its own. However, if it's meant as the opening to a longer scene you intend to continue (or if it wasn't meant to be a complete scene, and you were just writing it as dialogue or character interaction practice), it's handled pretty well. Either way, you could definitely spin this into something.

>>361846
Thanks for the review. I really appriciate it.
My chapter is comming along slowly but steadily.

>>361934
No problem, always happy to help.

>>361790
Two more chapters added:
https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/S1pk1skX3

The chapter divisions are probably not permanent. So far, I've been adapting each original green post 1:1 as its own chapter, with each chapter balancing to about 1200 words or so. I feel like I remember having some pacing problems when I was writing this originally, so I'm not sure if that format will continue to make sense going forward. Most likely I'll just keep writing numbered "chapter" sections and figure out how to stitch them together once I have more of it adapted.

>>362214
>Pic
Kek

The poetry of shitposting by Anon for Anon. Hope that they give you some cheap laughs!! Not MLP related just want to share my work with you all. It's also on AmaZOG if you wanna support me. Applejack is my favorite btw

files.catbox.moe/4s8yl4.pdf
files.catbox.moe/f21v69.pdf
files.catbox.moe/82sced.pdf
files.catbox.moe/irz98h.pdf

One day I will return...

GG, the chapter is sadly not finished yet. However, I will post what I have here so far and that wwon't change either so you chave something to look forward to or something.

I really like collabing with you and I feel really bad over my inablitiy to perform. I will spend next week and on trying to finish this. It techinically should a simple matter to finish during that time.

Below is what I have done so far:

>>363284
Filly-X-Flurry Ch. 5

Rose pettles on the floor and swirling lines of smoke from lit candles gave the otherwise dark room its cozy atmosphere. A heavy scent of sweat and other such odors filled the air. Nonny lay spooned and held in an air-tight embrace by a mare with a sea-green coat.

Nonny smiled contently (plenty pleased with herself). Around her mouth red lipstick kisses were planted.

Her ear twitched as she heard the creaking of a door being opened. She opened her eyes and saw the one pony she didn't want to find her in this position: Her mother, Bon Bon.

She flailed with her hooves and tried to distance herself from the pony behind her as if that would extriciate herself from the situation.

”Mom! It's not what it looks like!” Anon shouted while bringing her hooves up to protect herself.

Bon Bon looked as if she was on the verge of tears. She inhaled sharply.

”How can it not be what it looks like, Nonny?!” Bon Bon wailed.

Nonny hung her head.

”I'm sorry.”

”You expect me to forgive you after this?”

Anon's head dipped even lower.

”Not until you do one-hundred push-ups. Attention!” Bon Bon said.

”What?” Anon looked up in surprise.

”You dare to speak back to me, private? You failed abortion!”

Anon immidiately stood up straight and saluted.

”Now march! Hut two three four. Hut two three four...” Bon Bon pointed away with a powerful hoof.

Anon jumped off the bed and started trotting in a circle.

As she did this, she heard the sounds of hoofsteps getting louder and louder. She turned around. Lyra sneaked passed her, out the door.

She caught something in her peripheral, in the dark corner of the room. A large, dark silhoutte was there. What seemed like a midnight blue curtain billowed to the side of it and glittered like twinkling stars.

Pomf!

Suddenly, she found herself on her back, ontop of the bed. Her mother straddled her. She clasped her face with her hooves and stared softly into her eyes. Something Anon thought was strange since it was a quirk Bon Bon did to show motherly affection, not something you expect her to do after you just cucked her.

However, her eyes suddenly turned cold and she whispered in and unusually haughty voice.

”To think you'd leave yourself open like this? No locks. No alarms. No traps. No counter-measures. You really are just a foal, aren't you? I could so easily kill you. Right here. Right now.”

Anon felt as if there was a hungry pit in her stomach ready to shallow her whole.

”Mom, wha... What are you saying?”

It was as if she'd hallucinate the whole episode because her mother's eyes melted and regained their softness as if they never been anything but. Her face shone with the warmth that she rarely shown but that made Anon feel so beloved.

”I told you, Nonny. From the first time you asked me to teach you, that the life of a S.M.I.L.E. agent was a balance act on the edge of a knife. You can't relax now, you're on a mission. Don't. Underestimate. The danger. Stay. Razor. Sharp... And come home.” Her mother pleaded.

”Mom...”

”Now wake up! Wake up, my filly.”

The world around Anon seemed to be collapsing.

-----

>>363285

Anon jerked awake and her gaze darted around till it locked with a pair of yellow eyes. For a moment, she thought it was a predator but then she saw that it was just a pegasus.

”Woah, you're a deep sleeper,” said the pegasus. ”Breakfeast is ready and set in dining room. I was ordered to fetch you.”

The corners of her mouth curved upwards like devil horns and she looked down at Anon with half-lidded eyes.

Anon blinked a few times at the pony, then it hit her.

”You're the maid from-” She began but stopped and took in her surroundings. The room was striped from the floor to the wall in the color of bright sunlight falling in from the tall windows to her left. When she saw the colossal grapefruit painting at the otherside of the room, the memories of yesterday all rushed back to her.

”Yes, I'm Cloud Wrangler, one of the Crystal Palace's personnel. I think we saw each other briefly both here and in dining hall yesterday,” Cloud Wrangler said with a bit too wide smile and half-lidded eyes.

Cloud Wrangler wore the same black and white maid outfit from yesterday. Beneath the fabric, her fur was purple and her mane and tail were wine-gummy red. Her long mane was tied into a bum on the back of her head but not so tight that she didn't have any fringe. Two curtains of bangs obscured her face, her right one cover barely anything of her face while she could almost hide her eye behind the left one. Her tail was also done in a bum, which made her look a bit like a rabbit. She had stuck some of her own feathers into the bum on her head.

Anon started to push the blanket off her and sit up on the edge of the bed but quickly got a unsolicited help from the maid. She tossed the blanket off her and the helped Anon up to a sitting position with her wing.

”Uhh... Thanks. But I can manage myself,” Anon said and gave a polite smile towards the maid.

She had expected the maid to pull away but instead she used her feathers to squeeze her. Anon turned to look at the mare to find her staring right at her.

They just sat there staring at eachother. It felt like an eternity. Anon pulled her gaze down, into her own lap.

”Yeah, I can feel that.” Cloud dragged her feathers along Anon's neck, lingered there for a but a moment; then continued down over her shoulder; and then onto her back before pulling away. ”You don't look like much. But you got some tough muscles underneath all this... Absolutely, lovely furrrr. Hmmm... Like a little warthog, you are. Oink oink. Oink oink.”

Anon faced her again. Cloud's facial expression almost seemed sultry to Anon.

Is she hitting on me? Wondered Anon.

Anon blushed.

”But,” said Cloud, still with a coy smile on her lips, ”I kept you too long. Go, the filly princess is waiting. I'll do your bed in the meantime.”

”Sure,” said Anon and jumped off the bed before speed-walking out of there.

>>363286

Breakfeast (was) had been a pretty formal affair. Flurry seemed to have woken up on the wrong side of bed. She spared Anon only a glance before feasting upon her meal. Her parents had given Anon a quick exchange on the courses she'd be attending and that the litteratur for the subjects had been purchased for her. After breakfeast, Anon placed those books into her saddlebag and brought it to school, much to Flurry's dismay.

They were driven through crystal streets, passed prestine crystal buildings, by a crystal carriage.

Flurry glared out her window and Anon felt like she ought to follow her example by looking out hers instead of trying to start a conversation.

Another dream of her, huh? Anon thought to herself. That's the second night in a row.

She felt bad. She wondered why she even felt this way towards Lyra. Was it because the obvious relationship that her mother had with the mare had effect her views on other females, or was it because Lyra liked to affectionally play-wrestle with her. She was ashamed to admit it but what she enjoyed with their little tussles was not the competition but the closeness to her mother's mare. One thing was for sure, she was glad no one else was prived to her dreams.

But it wasn't the weirdest dream she'd had: Once she dreamt of being one of those mythical creatures Lyra was so obsessed with, a male one at that. Yes, she had confirmed this in the dream.

The crystal empire was not what Anon had expected. The train ride had been a long trip, and she still slept throught half of it, through desolate snowland with only a only few high notes: A big lake; a tunnel through a mountain chain; a forrest; and a big town, called Pine N' Tow. They had passed by some hamlets near the tracks before (alongtracks?) that town.

So when she arrived at the train station and felt the jewish weather on her back, her expectations of the Crystal Empire being a cold-ass place, had been vindicated thus far. But as she followed Flurry into the city, the warmer it had gotten. Flowers had no problem growing in the garden of ponies, she'd noticed. The heat peaked at the palace, where it felt like it was summer. She had no idea why.

Flurry still seemed mad. Anon didn't know if there was some reason for this or if it was just... normal.

Anon realized that they had arrived at Crystal Private Acadamy when she saw horde of old foals and young adult ponies streaming in towards a building complex with a tower in the middle of it with big clock on it. It was eight o'clock.

They were driven off the main path and the carriage parked in a secluded area near the complex' courtyard.

Flurry turned over to Anon for the first time during the trip and said, ”Don't talk. Just follow.”

With that, they stepped out of the carriage. Anon followed Flurry through a garden with tree-colonnades, colorful flowers, and small ponds before they arrived at the complex' courtyard with the rest of the crowd of ponies. There they found a pair of fillies their age sitting on a bench chatting.

As they saw Flurry, one stood up and raised a hoof high up into the air to greet her. The other remained seated but gently wave a hoof at her.

Suddenly, the frown Flurry had woren all morning flipped upside down as she saw the pair, despite herself it seemed.

>>363286
An artist's rendition of how Cloud Wrangler looks like.

page 4 again lmao, Nigel would be reeeeeeeeing right now if he wasn't off somewhere banging his imaginary gf

>>363284
>>363285
>>363286
>>363287
>>363288
Anyway, sorry I didn't catch this sooner. I've been out of town visiting family and whatnot for the past couple of weeks and just got home a few hours ago. I haven't been paying much attention to the site haven't put in much work on any of my projects, either. Your chapter looks pretty good so far, I will give it a more thorough read tomorrow morning when I'm less tired.

>I really like collabing with you and I feel really bad over my inablitiy to perform.
I'm too classy to even make a joke here.

Seriously though, don't beat yourself up. It will be finished when it's finished; we're not on a deadline here, and it's not as if I don't also procrastinate on this stuff.

Also, as a more general update, I haven't abandoned the Dale thing for anyone who is still reading and interested, and will be resuming work on it forthwith.

>>363821
Phew. I made it in time just a half year later. YES! ^^

But here it is, the fifth chapter in our collab story:
https://hackmd.io/y9B5rT9lRm-Ek5J5Zmcsww

Also, I took the liberty to give the chapters names as you can see: https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/SyZdTa3rj
If you want to change your chapters' names, then feel free.

P.s. Need a new note due to word limit.

>>364950
Actually, it wasn't half a year later but it was some months.

>>364950
>>364951
Oh, rad, welcome back. I've been on a bit of a hiatus myself. I will give this a thorough read later this evening and will try to start on my segment this week.

>>364958
I should have told you this when I posted my latest chapter but I was too lazy.
It's not a big deal but just fyi:
1. I never named Flurry's two friends because I thought I give you the honor^^
2. I forgot to describe Rave Smite's appearance beyond that she's white. I can't find a better version of the image right now but she's suppose to look like pic rel, however, you cando whatever you want with you're chapter so if you feel like you got a better idea go for it.
3. I wanted to say that I have tried to keep the characterization of Flurry consistent with ch.2 (ur first ch. and my fave of them all, btw) but I may not have been successful in that regard. So uhh.. what I wanted to say was to write what you think makes sense or intresting and kinda disregard what I write. I wasn't trying to move away from your characterization of her on purpose if you feel that she's out of character now, I just couldn't do any better.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I remember you writing something forever ago, about ch 4, that you weren't sure where to take the story so you added things to the mix instead, and I guess I just wanted to say that it's been great so far what you have written so you don't need to worry about that. Whatever you write will be fine oWo

>>365190
Also, huh?
I just realized. Private Crystal Academy sounds an awful lot like Crystal Prep Academy. Was that what you were going for? If so, I totally missed it.
Did I miss an opportunity to involve Lemon Zest into this story? Then again, she's suppose to be in Sunset Shimmer's age so she wouldn't be a school filly at the same time as Flurry.
Maybe she could be an artist that Flurry really likes or something ^^

>>365191
>I just realized. Private Crystal Academy sounds an awful lot like Crystal Prep Academy.
Well, it's the kristall empire after all. Have a Zest 4 U.

>>365190
>I never named Flurry's two friends because I thought I give you the honor^^
I will see what I can come up with for them. I used to suck at coming up with pony names, but since the Past Sins thing I feel like I've gotten better at coming up with silly names for OCs and throwaways.

>I forgot to describe Rave Smite's appearance beyond that she's white. I can't find a better version of the image right now but she's suppose to look like pic rel, however, you cando whatever you want with you're chapter so if you feel like you got a better idea go for it.
I think your visual works fine, I'll go ahead and use that as the basis for her.

>I guess what I'm trying to say is that I remember you writing something forever ago, about ch 4, that you weren't sure where to take the story so you added things to the mix instead, and I guess I just wanted to say that it's been great so far what you have written so you don't need to worry about that. Whatever you write will be fine oWo
Groovy, I will continue to have fun with it.

>>365191
>I just realized. Private Crystal Academy sounds an awful lot like Crystal Prep Academy. Was that what you were going for? If so, I totally missed it.
Was I the one that established Private Crystal Academy as Flurry and Anon's school? I thought that was something that you put in there pretty early on. It's hard to remember lol, we've been doing this for awhile now. I think I'm actually going to go back and read through the entirety of everything we have so far just to make sure I don't accidentally introduce any contradictions.

>Did I miss an opportunity to involve Lemon Zest into this story? Then again, she's suppose to be in Sunset Shimmer's age so she wouldn't be a school filly at the same time as Flurry.
I see no reason why we couldn't Zest this thing up a little.

Do you think that having a specific in universe resistance to arcane magical arts is too much a gimme?
Like for example I have a setting where treated leather is fairly common place and one of the properties of treated leather is that its hard for purely arcane magic to handle it.
So for example, if you tried to grab a piece in a telekinetic grip it would be like trying to grab a piece of wet soap, A bolt of force would splash harmlessly off of it, its incredibly difficult to transmogrify and so on.
However using more natural forms of magic like summoning a fireball or flinging a stone very hard with magic, or icing over it would work as youd expect it.

Why does my work become this when I paste it?

https://ponepaste.org/9101

>>365338
I don't see any issue with this rule. A particular physical substance is resistant to a particular kind of magic, but other kinds of magic work fine on it. It's not much different from actual rules that exist in the real world, for instance rubber providing protection against electrical shock, or sulfuric acid being unable to dissolve glass.

The main thing with rules like this is that you want to make sure that any rule you establish is followed consistently and logically. An in-universe rule only becomes a problem if you're abusing it to give your characters unrealistic advantages or are coming up with silly workarounds when the rule becomes inconvenient.

If you give your character a treated leather vest to protect against a particular sort of magical attack, then those sorts of attacks shouldn't work against her. However, it probably stands to reason that a rule like this would be common knowledge, so you'd want your other characters to take this into consideration as well. Let's say your protagonist, we'll just call her Mare A, is wearing treated leather armor and is facing off against a band of villains that includes a spellcaster. Since magic is his profession, the spellcaster is going to be aware that purely arcane attacks won't be effective against this character, so if he has other forms of magic at his disposal he's probably going to use those. If Mare A is facing off against an inexperienced spellcaster, or the properties of treated leather are not commonly known for whatever reason (maybe it's an uncommon material in this part of the world), then this might give Mare A enough of an advantage to win the fight, even if the spellcaster is more powerful than she is. It works like that.

>>365344
No idea. My best guess is that it has to do with whatever writing program you're pasting from. Maybe you think you're copying the text, but you're actually copying a string reference or something. It's impossible to answer without knowing more information. Try pasting it into Notepad first and see what happens, if you get the same result it's probably something to do with your writing software. Otherwise it might be an internal issue with Ponepaste's software, but I don't think that's likely as I've never encountered this issue, and I just tested their site and it worked fine:
https://ponepaste.org/9102

>>365351
Pasting into notepad worked. I was pasting from Wordpad.

https://ponepaste.org/9103

This is a short original story with a political message.

>>365358
>This paste has been removed by the moderation team.
I'm now morbidly curious what it was, since Ponepaste is pretty lax on moderation by design, and I don't think I've ever had anything of mine get deleted even "Twilight Sparkle Takes a Shit" is still up there.

>>365359
You've got to be shitting me. It was Unlisted! This is the only place I posted the link. How could it be censored?

So what site should I use if I can't trust that site?

>9101
>9102
>9103
Didn't know ponepaste was ded.

>>365365
Well, apparently you can attach a .txt file to your post here, so there's always that option.

>>365378
huh, this is actually pretty cool, I didn't realize you could do this. Clicking on it just opens the text in a browser tab, too, no need to download, quite convenient for plain text. I might start using this for posting drafts and whatnot from now on.

Here it is.

>>365378
Well, then I'm testing this too.

>>365211
Aww, thanks.

>>365278
Sounds good. ^^

Was I being too on the nose when I named the place Westfall?

>>365380
Well, at least compared to the other selections you've given us, this is...not entirely terrible. It has some problems, but at the very least it's legible, stays more or less on point, and doesn't weight itself down with excess details or tangents. Moreover, you managed to submit it to us without going off on a twenty page rant about Sonic the Hedgehog, so nice job there as well.

Here are some brief observations:

>Thomas's once regal silver hair that had once cascaded down his shoulders was now cut short and dyed black.
The word "once" is used twice in rapid succession here; this kind of repetition should be avoided. The description of his hair as being formerly regal is also a little unclear. How exactly was his hair regal? I don't know, but it's probably not a detail that's worth delving into. I'd probably just cut that bit out and simplify the sentence:
>Thomas's silver hair, that had once cascaded down his shoulders, was now cut short and dyed black.
Just stating that his hair has been cut and dyed is enough of a clue that he was probably compelled to do this for some reason, and the reader will likely pick up on it. Moreover, you clarify a few paragraphs later that the family has to hide their natural hair color to avoid drawing orcish attention, so it's unnecessary to point it out here.

>His name was Thomas, and his heart was burdened with anger and frustration, yet he had to maintain a facade of compliance to protect his daughter, Elise.
At this point you've already established that the character's name is Thomas, and you've referred to him by this name multiple times. Telling us that "his name was Thomas" is completely redundant here.

>It was hard for him to remember a time when those bright, cerulean eyes were wide with curiosity, focused on her books when he wasn't telling her stories before bed. Now they were tired, cold, dulled. Her golden hair cascaded down her back like a radiant waterfall, shimmering with every movement, as though rebelling against the oppressive bleakness of the world around her.
+5: your writing is noticeably clearer, more focused, and easier to read than in other selections you've given us.
-5: you've got some purple prose issues going on here. It's prevalent throughout most of the text, but I highlighted this section as an example. Referring to "cerulean eyes" or hair cascading "like a radiant waterfall" will usually make readers roll their eyes, cerulean or otherwise. Dial it back a bit.

>The room they found themselves in was a stark contrast to the ethereal beauty of its inhabitants.
Are these two characters ethereally beautiful? It sounds like they would be in their natural state; however, you've also made it clear that they have been forced to cut and dye their hair and dress up in ragged clothing. Just at this moment, "ethereal" probably doesn't describe them very well, and they likely do a better job of blending into their surroundings than this passage would suggest.

Also, you've clarified that the room they are in is their apartment, where the two of them live. Even if this is just temporary housing, it's still their home, so it's inappropriate to say that they "found themselves" here. The statement "<character name> found himself in <location>" is usually reserved for occasions when a character arrives in an unfamiliar place, sometimes by unfamiliar means. For instance, a character who goes binge drinking in Mexico one night might suddenly find himself in an unfamiliar bathtub with a kidney missing. However, if the same character were sitting at home with his daughter, he wouldn't find himself in his apartment, he'd just be in his apartment.

>Against one wall, a cracked mirror reflected their weary forms, distorting their features, as if symbolizing the shattered lives they led under the oppressive regime. A threadbare rug lay in the center of the room, its once vibrant colors faded to a dull, lifeless gray.
I have the same comments about the overall tone of this story that I have about the purple prose: it's not necessarily bad, but you really need to dial it back a few notches. By this point you've sufficiently established that the room is dreary, so you don't need to describe every dreary curtain or dreary mirror or dreary teacup that resides in the dreary room.

>The flickering candle cast dancing shadows across their faces, reflecting the struggle and sacrifice etched into their expressions.
I've heard it said that in the glory days of the old British Naval Empire, literary-minded sailors would be scourged and keelhauled for writing sentences like this.

>Elise was seated at her table, poring over her history textbook filled with this decade's version of the government's revisionist lies.
What is the timeframe of this occupation, exactly? Earlier you mention that Thomas can still remember a pre-occupation era, but here you suggest that the occupation has been going on for decades. A couple of paragraphs later, he tells his daughter, who is thirteen, that he learned similar lies when he was in school. If he has any recollection of the pre-occupation era, it would have to be a very early memory. You have to be careful with details like this.

>"Like the rest of this country, it was built around 400 years ago by Moon Elves fleeing from tyrannical despots. People once called Westfall the most beautiful place in the world. They called it The City of Life and Love. Hard to believe, looking at it now. But then, just 200 years ago, the Orcs came."
Couple of things here. First, is this city called Westfall or Southfort? My best guess is that Southfort is maybe a neighborhood or a district within Westfall, but you refer to the same area by two names and don't clarify. Second, an addendum to my comment above: if the Orcs came 200 years ago, unless Moon Elves are particularly long-lived, it's impossible for Thomas to have any direct memory of a pre-Orc time period.

>>365484

>Trust me, it's worse in Westfall today. Orcs spread like a fungus, and their awfulness grows like a weed if left unchecked. The only good Orcs are only good until they stop being afraid of what happens if they stop being good Orcs. Orcs say they've never done anything wrong and they're treated like criminals everywhere they go. But Orcs are treated like a bioweapon by the Goblins who bring them here to use against us. Anything to keep the workers down. It all happened just a hundred years ago... There was a 17 year old girl named Sophie.
You're all over the place here. I'll try to break some of this down.

>The only good Orcs are only good until they stop being afraid of what happens if they stop being good Orcs.
Not only would this terrible sentence earn you an additional keelhauling and flogging from the once-proud British Naval Empire, it's not even clear what you're trying to say. What is a good Orc, how does one distinguish good Orc behavior from bad, and, most significantly, what happens when a good Orc stops being good? Is "goodness" in this context defined by an Orc's behavior in regards to other Orcs, or to Moon Elves?

>Orcs say they've never done anything wrong and they're treated like criminals everywhere they go.
They're treated like criminals everywhere they go? I thought they were supposed to be in charge here, and that it was the Moon Elves who were being treated like criminals.

>But Orcs are treated like a bioweapon by the Goblins who bring them here to use against us.
Now there are Goblins? Where did these guys come from? Unfortunately, we never get to find out, because they are never mentioned again. The entire power structure in this setting is very difficult to figure out.

>Anything to keep the workers down.
Wait, what?

>It all happened just a hundred years ago...
I thought it happened two hundred years ago? Wait a minute...what happened 100 and/or 200 years ago, exactly? The Elf invasion, or Orc invasion, or whatever it was? Or are you introducing a new topic here?

>There was a 17 year old girl named Sophie.
Wait, who? Isn't this guy supposed to be teaching his daughter about the true history of Westfall?

Anyway, from here things begin to go off the rails. Apparently, this Sophie character was nearly raped by an Orc, and yada yada yada the Orc got off with only a light sentence. A bunch of Moon Elves showed up at the jail to protest, and things go south from there.

>While the Moon Elves were waving signs and protesting peacefully and getting nowhere, as you cannot appeal to the better nature of naturally evil creatures like Orcs, a gang of Orcs showed up with bows and started shooting at the Moon Elves. Hurling arrows, axes, knives, insults, accusations of pedophilia and insanity and incest and dog-fucking, the usual nonsense. We Moon Elves endured it at first, and then we shot back with our bows. Warning shots, at first, but they kept attacking, so we shot one of them in the arm, and the rest scampered away like rats and left him to bleed out. When the other Orcs heard about this they went berserk and spread the news. It was time for an Kil'Gragthar.
At this point I have completely lost track of what the fuck is supposed to be going on. All I know is that this girl is probably getting an F on her homework.

Anyway, it's pretty muddled, but I think I have a basic idea of what's being said. 100 years ago, this girl Sophie was raped by some Orcs, a bunch of Moon Elves protested the light sentence he was given, a fight ensued, and the Orcs rioted. At some point after this, the Orcs decided they wanted this somewhat embarrassing incident scrubbed from their history. I guess.

>"Cold lava? But that's impossible! Lava is rock when it gets hot enough to melt. Lava can't be cold without becoming rock and ceasing to be lava."
Does this girl have autism?

>The Orcs started telling people Westfall was built by Orcs for Orcs despite the best efforts of evil envious cackling moustache-twirling puppy-kicking Elves getting in their way for no real reason, until one day we decided to go over there and start killing them en masse over two days for no apparent reason, and then we left survivors alive for some reason.
All I have to say about this sentence is that you are really, really fortunate not to have lived during the glory days of the Old British Naval Empire.

>Funny how the only functional Orc cities exist in Orc fantasies and Orc lies, or rely on Elves to function and stop functioning when too many Orcs take important positions from Elves, isn't it?
The problem with Thomas's rhetorical question here is that the reader doesn't have enough information to understand what's being inferred. So far we've established that Westfall was originally an Elf city, and that Orcs took over about 200 years ago. However, beyond that, we don't know very much about the Orcs. Do they have functional cities? The implication seems to be that they don't, but if they were able to organize an invasion of this Elf city, establish a government and rule it for 200 years, they must have some level of competency.

>>365485
Anyway, to sum it up:

Like I said, this is better than anything you've submitted here before, so good job on the improvement. That said, there are some problems.

As far as writing and mechanics, you basically go in two directions. On the one hand, you have the early narrative portions, where you're describing ethereal, cascading golden hair and cracked, depressing grey walls. Your problem here is a tendency to veer into purple prose: you're just trying way too hard to make your writing sound elegant.

Once the dialogue begins, you have the opposite problem. The portions where Thomas is explaining things to his daughter are closer to your usual writing style, in that it reads like you were just typing whatever popped into your head without bothering to polish it, or even just read back over it to see if it made any sense. Thomas speaks in long, angry sentences that confuse more than they clarify.

The overall structure of the story consists of a single scene that mostly focuses on a conversation between a father and his daughter. This is another area where you show improvement. Although the story is a little too dialogue-heavy, and you still have problems with dumping information onto the reader via large block paragraphs spoken by characters, the overall structure is decent, and I appreciate you confining yourself to a single scene.

However, I'm not sure what the reader is supposed to take away from this story. It's clear that these characters live in a world where their race is being oppressed by a hostile invading race, and that there is a complex history behind how this situation came about. However, we don't really learn much about how this came about, or where we can expect things to go.

Your setting is murky and strange. For one thing, there are the naming issues: you begin by calling the place Southfort, and from there on refer to it as Westfall, without ever bringing up Southfort again. Did the Orcs rename the place when they took over? Is Southfort a neighborhood or a district within Westfall? We don't know, and you never tell us. If you're not going to clarify this detail, it would probably be better to just pick one name and stick with it from start to finish.

Also, the mix of modern elements with fantasy elements is unnerving and isn't handled well. You mention things like fluorescent lights and electricity, and we learn that Thomas has some kind of office job and drives to work (presumably in a car, or something like a car) every morning. However, you also have Orcs and Elves shooting at each other with bows and arrows and brandishing axes and knives. What sort of a place am I supposed to be imagining here? Is this a basically modern city that just happens to be inhabited by fantasy creatures? Or is this a proto-medieval fantasy world that just happens to have invented some more complicated technology?

The political situation is also weird. You establish that Westfall and/or Southfort was built by Elves 400 years prior to the events of the story. At some point, it was conquered by Orcs who, despite being portrayed as a race of uncivilized savages, somehow managed to establish a government and rule for 200 years. The relationship between the subjugated Elves and the ruling Orcs is unclear as well. During the rape incident, the presumably Orcish judicial system handed out a light sentence to an Orcish offender, and the Elves took issue with this. The Elves stage a protest at the jail, are confronted by Orcs, a fight breaks out, and one of the Orcs takes an arrow to the arm. The Orc population learns about this incident, and responds by...going on a bloody rampage, in which they burned down the city that they conquered and have governed for a century? It's a bit of a strange thing to do.

Part of the problem is that Thomas brings this rape incident up out of nowhere. He explains to his daughter that he's going to tell her the history of Westfall. At this point I was expecting a long infodump about how the Orcs managed to invade and take over, maybe juxtaposed against the version of the story that Elise had been taught in school. However, instead of doing this, he launches into this story about a 100 year old rape that preceded a riot. The purpose of this anecdote seems to be to establish the Orcs as a violent and destructive people, but unfortunately it doesn't clarify much about the history of Westfall, particularly about how this pack of apparently incompetent savages managed to establish control over this industrially advanced society of Elves and rule them for 200 years. Again, by the time he finishes, the reader is left with more questions than answers.

All in all, this is a pretty strange piece. We are introduced to two Elvish characters, who are forced to live in poverty because their city is ruled by an oppressive Orc government. The Orcs have established schools which they use as propaganda mills, forcing their Elvish subjects to memorize false and apparently contradictory versions of history.

The father character tells the daughter that he is going to explain to her the real history of the city, but instead of doing this goes off on a tangent about a 100 year old rape incident. In addition to this, he rants a bit about Orcs, calling them backward and violent, though never explaining how such a backward and violent people could manage to take over what appears to be a complex industrial society and rule it for 200 years. A third race of Goblins is brought up, but they are only mentioned once in passing, and it's unclear how they factor into the story. By the end, we don't know much more about these characters or their world than we did when the story began.

The whole thing ends on a vague note. We are told that weeks pass, the two characters continue to imbibe propaganda against their will, all the while plotting to rebel, or escape, or something. Will they? I'm not sure, and I'm not sure if I'm interested enough to want to find out.

>>365430
>Was I being too on the nose when I named the place Westfall?
It's about as subtle as naming your main character Norm Hull, or calling your rare-mineral-macguffin "unobtainium." However, in the grand scheme of things it's not that big a deal. "Westfall" is as good a name as any for a city.

>>365487
The 2000s film Saved, a piece of anti christian jewish propaganda, named its protag Mary Cummings. I thought abought about naming my protagonist Arion but that seemed too on the nose. Like calling his daughter Ariana.

The goblins are evil rich bastards who brought the orcs here, but I thought about combining their role with the Orcs so this world would only have orcs and elves, and some orcs are smart and evil but most orcs are dumb and evil.

There was a draft where the elf hero kept going on and on about how he has centaur and harpy friends because he's so much more tolerant than the intolerant and intolerable orcs, would that make this story better? All races oppressed under the orc's boot.

Thank you for the review, you've given me a lot to think about.
I wanted to get more feedback before continuing the story but I planned on making the day they escape tomorrow. Then the story follows the male protag as he goes about his day as if nothing out of the ordinary is planned. He buys food, food is more expensive than ever, he still buys some for a disabled homeless elf man, he notices a rich orc man pour his milkshake on a homeless woman and call her privileged, he has to go to work at the construction site where they are building a hotel for more gimmiegrant rapefugees, he argues with a libtarded former friend at the bus stop, he notices a newspaper full of orc faces in a child trafficking gang and shows it to the libtarded friend who willingly looks away and chants orcs are victims elves are oppresssors over and over.

Then an orc guy comes into the bus stop and touches a very scared white womans hair and starts threatening her. The hero is ready to jump in to protect her if necessary while hoping it isnt because he knows fighting an orc means being made into an example by the orc system, and the libcuck fag is looking the other way.

Then the bus arrives and the woman gets on even though it isnt going her way. The protag gets on too. The protag asks the woman if she was okay but she already decided to pretend everything was fine and say she deserved it because elves totally always touch orc hair. A ridiculous lie of course, we have all touched scouring brushes before. This was inspired by how I saw a woman react to that video of the nigger who breaks into houses and steals dogs and threatens white women and has jew handlers.

The protag reads a book on the bus about saving innocents in a violent dark fantasy land while the radio on the bus preaches feminist hatred of man from a bitter post wall whore with fourty cats, and antifa fags block the roads for hours with police protection as the cops watch and a guy eventually goes out and pulls the fags out of the way of the bus and gets arrested for that, the protag gets yelled at by his orc boss when he gets there for shit out of the protag's control, and then the boss says you're our hardest worker and best worker and we have a management position open and we think you would be perfect to...

Show my daughter around the workplace and teach her how to be your new manager. The hero is disappointed but accepts it and the greedy jew boss's mixed race daughter is a dumb cunt who says feminist shit like "It's a good thing you men finally have a woman in charge" even though the business was built by a man 200 years ago and owned by a woman for 170 years before jews bought it. Every time she says something dumb he cannot argue against it, and the story smash cuts to him laughing with his friends at a based bar who take turns pointing out how retarded she is and ask "and then what happened?" to jump back in time.

The protag works hard at his job, he talks to his friends at the job, for his break he hits the gym and there was whore music on the radio but halfway through his workout someone switched it to antifamilial selfish sigma male grindset jew preaching, he works his second job as a prostitute because he is symbolically forced to give his desirable body for a society that hates him and needs him, while getting changed and using a Beaststone to become a centaur man temporarily a faggot tells him he would make more money if he became a femboy slut catboy for faggy old men and he says no he's not that desperate, he flirts with rich retard post wall women and tries hard not to laugh at them while giving them the boyfriend experience but when he takes them to their sex room they drunkenly cry about all the good men they turned down who got women afterwards and left them alone so no sex happens, then he deactivates his Beaststone and goes to the bar to talk to his friends and make one drink last all night and then he goes home and on the way home he sees a gay bar get muslimsploded I mean Orcsploded and goes home because orcsplosions as common as rain these days.

The "the heroes will escape soon" hook should ideally keep the audience invested as they prepare to see just how awful orced society is.

The setting is supposed to have recently discovered steam power. No guns. Are flourescent lights powered by a steam based power plant owned by the government incorrect? Nigs infested south africa's important positions of power and the electricity is unreliable as a result. I wanted that here.

The orc rape chimpout was inspired by Tulsa. Jews say we went there and "destroyed black Wall Street". It was actually just nigs nigging.

>>365359
Am guessing it's because there's not one pony (or barbie) in the whole story.

>>365490
The site has rules about that?
But who could have checked the story? It was Unlisted. This is the only place I posted the link. Did someone here see it and report it for a lack of pone? Are they manually reviewed that fast? Or is there a bot that gets triggered if no words in a list of mandatory horse words show up?

>>365491
I think it's mlp and eqg exclusive.
And It seems like the site had very little activity at the time you posted it. (See >>365377 ) So they could've checked it pretty fast. Unless am missing something.

>>365493
That makes sense.

What did you think of the story?

>>365533
I'm not a writer. Not even a conoisseur of sorts. You shouldn't listen to me.
I've actually always liked your "purple prose". I liked it here too, and I kinda wish I had that skill. I still don't want to democratize those skills, so that everyone can access them as if they were something trivial. Overall it wasn't bad.
The only major issue to me are the long paragraph dialogues. As it's been said before, try to shrink them down a bit. If you use your "descriptive prose skills" Don't even know what to call them. Am pretty bad at this. you can make something pretty good in conjuction with sized down, more concise dialogues.

This is my new OC, I call him Faggot Fox. I am going to write lots and lots of stories about him. Say something nice about him please, I'm very sensitive.

>>365535
Thanks! Doing prose like that comes naturally to me, I write a line like "she had blonde hair" and ask how I can make it cooler and then I get "Her hair was like a waterfall of gold that shimmered with each movement" and then I added symbolism by deciding the Orcs want Elves to cover up their superior Elf hair just like Orcs want to cover up the truth and the superiority of Elf abilities and culture. I considered a scene where elf girl talks to a friend of hers who got nigger hair and got fully brainwashed and is darkening her skin and acting black but that was depressing and too much Kid POV makes people say "Ew, this story is for kids/teens". The libtards genuinely "want to be black so bad" unlike the based whites who despise niggers.

On one hand I want a character arc where an idealistic young protagonist gradually gets more based and eventually wants orcs out of his country by any means necessary. On the other hand someone has to play the mentor role and explain shit. But it can't be a boomer. I'm thinking of giving the male protag an angry friend who argues with his boomertard parents. Boomer tards have to be in there somewhere. It'd feel incomplete without touching on every aspect of how the jews and niggers and mudslimes hurt whites. But do I really have to go over everything ever before the audience will be cool with 26 chapters of Total Nigger Death? Chapter one is kind of dragging on. Maybe friends of the male protagonist could join him in his quest and later talk about pivotal events in their lives that made them based, elaborating on how the aspect of life important to them was hurt by orcs. That could help stop this story from being frontloaded with what one proofreader described as elf history homework.

I know the niggers aren't forcing us to shave our heads or hide our hair (yet) but muslims force people to wear headscarves so it fits better than when Handmaid's Tale tried pinning Islamic treatment of women on white Christians who just want their natural rights to stop being infringed upon by women's privileges.
>>365538
Why does he have wings?