/ub/ - Überhengst

Becoming better


If you want to see the latest posts from all boards in a convenient way please check out /overboard/
Note: JS is reccomended to be able to post effortlessly, but I am working on a system where that won't be needed.

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1595889953689.png
Get It Off Your Chest
Anonymous
4009a3a
?
No.2676
2788 3130 3259 3261 4114
>Nazi Horsefucker Edition
Vent frustrations and life issues that don't deserve their own thread here.
174 replies and 98 files omitted.
Anonymous
0ac7a9f
?
No.4118
4119
>>4117
But that's my point. If statistics can be altered through conscious effort, then why not support, for instance, the Man Up Campaign and other social groups which uplift nigboys without father figures and help them become said father figures? Just like we can change birthrates through our own actions, and the demographic stats are simply the prologue to our statistics-defying future successes, we can show solidarity between the races and support the aware and capable and improving of those groups.
Anonymous
b0443c9
?
No.4119
4122
>>4118
Because some people choose to be shit people no matter what. Doesn't matter how much social programs you indoctrinate into someone.
You and I have a fundamental missunderstanding.
I prioritize good people first. Then in the scope that I am able that which has no negative on me or mine or those good people. Then and only then do I reach.
Because lofty cloud in the sky goals without the hard as hell reality means you will tear the heavens and spite everyone.
That means alot is possible.
An insane amount is possible through the right methods and means.
But I do what works.
I offer what I can to who I can when I can with full regards to the full situation.
You're thinking too small, and too big. You need your feet under you to walk or run.
>How?
Esoteric bullshit, or trade secret if you want. The how doesn't matter all that much for this post.
What that means is there are some people who just want to be evil. You're definition of evil is a bit juvenile, but I'm sure you are grasping my jist.

There's more to it than that as well, because depending on the scale of how much good you do it's imperative to accelerate to the highest potential you can reach especially when it's more than exponential.
Anonymous
0ac7a9f
?
No.4122
4124
>>4119
>What that means is there are some people who just want to be evil. You're definition of evil is a bit juvenile, but I'm sure you are grasping my jist.
Evil is desiring a parasitic lifestyle over an independent one because it's convenient to let someone else feed and house you. Evil is putting your luxury over the lives of millions of sweat shop workers because your favorite phone needs to have that slightly stronger vibration, or that special Taiwanese chip that you won't have use for in three years.

He's not evil. He's a sheltered kid in the body of a young adult, much like half the people who use /ub/. I met him and care about him because he's introspective, wants to learn how to be independent and productive, and is willing to sacrifice luxury and comfort if it means that he can live a lifestyle free of globalist exploitation and slavery.

There are blacks out there who believe in these things, or at the very least, understand that it's in their best interest to seek these things instead of being slaves to the globohomo wage plantation. I know that there are abstract things that people under certain IQs won't understand. And it's not necessarily our responsibility to train the dolphins to speak or narrow the education gap. We can acknowledge differences, while still uplifting those who show promise.
Anonymous
b0443c9
?
No.4124
4125
>>4122
You don't get it. You will one day... maybe not.
Anonymous
0ac7a9f
?
No.4125
4126
>>4124
If evolutionary pressures shape the path that other races took in the development of their cultures, languages, and physiology, then similar pressures can at least slightly alter them to the ends of self-sufficiency and goodwill. I know we can't entirely recreate the circumstance each race was born into, but would you prefer we kicked them back to a small nation like Liberia and waited for them to go extinct before we take that land back? Is it any more humane to do that than it is to selectively uplift the brightest of a people and leave the rest to shoot dope and kill each other?
Anonymous
b0443c9
?
No.4126
4127
1538682905995.png
>>4125
You don't understand.
Choices are what make people.
Anonymous
0ac7a9f
?
No.4127
4129
>>4126
No choice is fully informed anymore. We were ALL indoctrinated growing up to favor comfort over strife. We were ALL given a worldview as children that said the end goal of society is just to make survival easy. Maybe if you were a librarian specializing in Latin-to-English translation of ancient philosophy, you could make an informed decision on the lifestyle of old, but today that's a pipe dream.

I wanted to move out to a farmland environment, but was summarily pushed out of it because nobody was willing to teach me. I have been kept away from the environment of my forebearers, and the only way to truly make the choice to commit to that life is with resources I don't have. Knowledge I don't have, experience I can't get, money I do not yet have and won't have for a long time.

No man is an island. We work together to achieve our ends or we don't achieve our ends. We share with those who want to make the choice but don't know where to start. I don't see how this stance is controversial.
Anonymous
b0443c9
?
No.4129
4131
>>4127
No man is an island indeed.
You reap what you sow.
You plow what you till.
You harvest when it's time.
>No choice is fully informed anymore.
Then you make the most of the choices you have and understand what choices are.
You must understand that your actions and choices define you.
You have two options. Improve or fail.
That's all. Life is good at fucking you over when you fail so improve and learn.
If you can't, that sucks, your life is going to blow.
But it is possible.
One of the greatist things is this thing called the internet, and the spirit of humanity!
Are you grateful everyday?
You ought to be even when shit is hailing it is the fastest way to gain experience, and to raise up out of the depths.
Anonymous
0ac7a9f
?
No.4131
4132
>>4129
What do words on a screen or a book mean if you have no context for them? I know nothing of the natural world. The only way to learn is hands-on, and I am not able to be hands-on until I have saved up enough money to leave this state.

It's easy to claim that you reap what you sow from behind your screen. What device are you using to post? $800 phone? $1000-$2000 PC? I use a $20 flip phone and a $150 laptop for my posting, using someone else's internet. I have $50 in my bank accounts, which will be just enough to pump four days' worth of gas in the morning and nothing more for the next week and a half because my paycheck didn't arrive in the mail.

I am thankful that I have my muse, this limited housing situation, and my current job with which to save up my money. Past that, I am not going to be thankful for being so separated from nature for all my life that I'd die the instant I have to set foot on an unpaved dirt path.
Anonymous
b0443c9
?
No.4132
4134
>>4131
>It's easy to claim that you reap what you sow from behind your screen.
Yeah it is easy to claim that.
>The only way to learn is hands-on, and I am not able to be hands-on until I have saved up enough money to leave this state.
Practice in your mind first. It's infinitely cheaper. Know that the grass is not always greener on the otherside, it's just the otherside.
In the crime thread (((people))) are making getting out of cities impossible for a reason.
Making ends meet is hard, I understand. What you have right now is yourself. Maybe a friend, but for now work on yourself.
If you have the resources to eat to build a body do it. If not build your mind. If you can't build your soul.
All your efforts will be hindered to the degree that falsehood plague you, you know (((who))) wants you to be weakened into a subservient state to drain you to a corpse as you die unfulfilled.
It will hurt, massively. In such a way you might not yet know.
But that's the first step.
You have to seek only the truth, and speak only the truth when you can.
You have to laugh. Everything if nothing else. Hopefully yourself as well. Because it hurts, in such a way you'll have character and body.
You'll have to toss loads of bullshit that was stuffed into your mind. It's designed to mentally incapacitate people.
Depending if your ends meet you need to plan. Prepare for the future.

The thing that can change the fastest is your mind and attitude.
Because you can always choose what choices you make right now.
Not back then, you're not there yet. Not in the future that's called preparing.
Right Now You Have A Choice.
Will you be a slave?
No.
Now what are you going to do about it?
How are you going to go about it?
What do you have right now. Will it improve yourself in a meaningful way?
Is your emotions in check? Is your intent focused? Do you have your will?
What assets do you have (increase in value over time) it sounds like you just have yourself. What assets are draining you dry?
Do you have time? Do you have no time? Are you terminally ill?
What is your time and effort worth? Is it accurate?
Can you learn?
Learn as much as possible from everywhere and anywhere.
Sometimes books just can't have the same experience. I know. But you can get substitutes.
Feel gour body and how it moves. Try to move it with intention to be.
Feel your mind.
Feel your spirit.
If you can't that's normal for many.

Make your choices. I recommend improving its almost always the right choice.
Anonymous
b0443c9
?
No.4133
4134
How else can you make yourself useful for others so that your time and effort is exchanged accurately?
How clearly do you understand?
Are you plagued with fear?
Why? Or why not?
What options do you have? What options do you really have?
What is the ethical thing to do? Whos ethics are they?

Basically asking alot of questions as you break down decades of poision to become more functional. Contemplating them is what makes a healthy mind. Dwelling is not healthy, dwelling means that you're sheltering poison. Ponder, ruminate, think, toy with, analyze, imagine!
Anonymous
0ac7a9f
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No.4134
4135 4137 4180
I didn't deserve that much detail but thank you anon, really.gif
>>4132
>>4133
To tell you the truth, I've already done a lot recently. I bought notetaking tools and started doing summaries and notes on finance, trade, and credit books like Rich Dad Poor Dad, the Fanny Farmer 1896 cookbook, and Debt Cures. I've filled an entire notebook on just book summaries and financial notes, followed by removing all my monthly bills except insurance from the credit card. I paid it all the way down after years of never fully paying it off, and all my talk of leaving the state is because of that progress.

I've made an asset/liability chart and....nothing I own or can think of buying would generate income, not even a little bit. It's a bleak chart, even if it's been whittled down to the bare essential liabilities this last month. I recently sold my appliances, and all I have left are a crockpot and a microwave to sell. I don't have any clothes now except for two pairs of basic business pants, one button-up shirt, some plain tees and jeans. As we speak, I'm halfway through using my old cleaning stuff so I can lighten the load when I leave. It should all fit in my small car, along with a cooler and collapsible charcoal grill. In taking my book-notes, I've whittled down my book collection to two small shin-high stacks, consisting of the more complex stuff like Whiteshift, Meditations, a biography on Hitler, an old study book on anthropology, and the Republic of Plato.

In terms of diet, I've cut out fast food completely. I've had rice and chicken whenever I don't get leftovers from work, and right now I can afford nothing to eat at all, so lots of black tea, water and spicy rice. My job requires me to stay on a post, so I'm not getting any exercise anymore. And in my current situation, nobody's gotten back to me about temp work, let alone a second job.

The more I learn, the more stupid and small I feel. I feel like I've been told the ultimate truth of the universe now that I know how to un-fuck my bank account, and even then, I feel like I will still be playing catch up on my 24th birthday at the end of the year. I'm exhausted after work simply because I'm doing so much studying, note-taking, and talking to him on the job.

I get anxious waiting for the day I'll be safe to get out of here. I'm sorry for getting snippy at you. It just feels like all I can ever find are more questions and problems, and nowhere I go seems to offer any clarity. And it doesn't help that half of /ub/ is full of spiritual shit and I'm just some...stupid fucking muggle. The daily journaling and contemplation haven't helped that at all. In fact they've only given me more anxious nights, and that's why I stayed in bed all day today thinking about the overdraft fees I'll get hit with if my office doesn't have any way to replace the missing check.

Thank you for putting up with me tonight, anon...
Anonymous
b0443c9
?
No.4135
4136
>>4134
I didn't expect much, but there might be hope for you yet.
Anonymous
0ac7a9f
?
No.4136
4137
>>4135
We might both be anons, but that means a lot to me. It's one thing to say that to him, when he fixes his simple habits, but I'm a lot harsher on myself for being stagnant.
Anonymous
b0443c9
?
No.4137
4138 4139
2209563__safe_artist-colon-gangrene_oc_oc-colon-filly+anon_earth+pony_pony_3d_animated_blender_blender+cycles_female_filly_gif_loop_mare_pixel+art_simp.gif
>>4134
>>4136
Spiritual shit is basically being really really quiet.
Some people never grow at all ever. I don't mean people with black skin. Because I know the statistics. It's everyone.
>In fact they've only given me more anxious nights
You have to choose if they give you anxiety if that's within your mental makeup.
Be a stoic if possible, if not smile and laugh more. But honestly.
If you can do something then do it. If you can't don't worry it's out of your influence of control.
But seriously improve yourself, and get better sleep.
Anonymous
0ac7a9f
?
No.4138
Spoilered
>>4137
I don't know if I'm capable just yet of proper stoic practice. I've tried, but I'm so neurotic and high-strung that I eventually-
...well, you saw my posts.

I think, as I escape my current sort of wage-life, I'll have less to be worried about, and less reason to stress over rapid developments. At least when I get to a small town in Montana or something, I'll be in a place that's safer for me. My plan is to get a firearms permit wherever I move to, get a .357 Taurus or .38 detective special, and begin preparing for any boog waves that might encroach in the near future. Agriculture, preferably portable agriculture, would be a great start to keeping myself fed without the need for money, as an example.

Well...goodnight. Or, morning...I'll be driving around San Diego in about 4 hours with the last of my current tank before I refill.
Anonymous
0ac7a9f
?
No.4139
fitting.png
>>4137
>listen to music to fall asleep
>youtuber I don't know is in autoplay queue
>this line shows up
Synchronicity at work, it feels like.
Anonymous
b05ea39
?
No.4144
>>4142
I wasn't asking for further advice, I was just saying it's funny, that after my being stubborn and bitchy, I got that indirect message from happenstance, and it kind of put things in context. Like, why should I be mad, I basically asked for this advice.
Anonymous
d02a027
?
No.4179
Forget nutting and forget sex and forget video games. Exercise is the purest source of good feelings there is beside completing incredibly significant steps in making my personal project. I didn't just beat my usual exercise routine record I fucking destroyed it. I've never been this fit at any point in my life. I feel like I've been blessed with some kind of divine power. I've always fucking hated faggots who can only understand something after relating it to normie fiction but I legitimately feel like I went Super Saiyan today for a while and made it count when exercising. It's such a pure, absolute feeling of success and pride that overpowers the agony and overpowers the pain of being alive and makes me want to share it with others. I want to tell people how great exercise feels because I want to motivate others to do it. If you're reading this do push ups. It took years of hard work and smart dieting and avoiding porn and avoiding nut even with others(ok there was this one woman but aside from that I'm as nut-free as a vegan. That's a genius pun because vegans hate nuts and lack nuts) fuck i wonder if this is how drugs feel or something. SAIKYO NI HIGH TE YATSU DA or whatever the fuck Dio said. This really is the greatest high. Exercise. My body shakes with each heartbeat. My legs burn. I can feel my life force growing stronger. I'm not sexy yet but I am getting there. I am growing fitter. I am growing stronger. I can feel pride in myself as a man.
Anonymous
d02a027
?
No.4180
4183
>>4134
Hey have you considered replacing the hitler book and anything similar with a ditigal copy while selling the original? Corrupt cops love using anti-jew material to "prove intent" and give their political prisoners harsher sentences.
Anonymous
d917b71
?
No.4183
4184
d34.png
>>4180
>while selling the original?
You must be new around here fren.
Anonymous
d02a027
?
No.4184
4187
>>4183
The knowledge within a good book is priceless. But the book itself is paper. Paper the feds could use to screw you over. Then again they could probably screw you over with or without the book so fuck it and fuck the feds.
Anonymous
3f92c69
?
No.4187
>>4184
Just further reason not to give a fuck. Live your life like the feds are on the verge of being bulldozed into a mass grave. Because they are. Fuck the glowniggers. By looking over my shoulder all the time out of fear, I would be forfeiting my expression and letting their surveillance and threatening affect how I live.

Nice Guy NatSocs live their ideology by uplifting the better men of the nationfolk, helping their local community, speaking out about poisonous communist actions when prompted, and looking out for their own in times of danger. No ineffectual, kakistocratic government can suppress that and you shouldn't let the threat of that suppression stop you from being your best self.
Anonymous
0ac7a9f
?
No.4204
4205 4206 4213 4234
Screenshot_20210828_173245.png
I'm on my final week in this house before I drive out of state to live debt free. And what do you think happens? $10k claim from someone's lawyer for a car accident six months ago that was supposed to be handled by my insurance, naturally. Whole family's on defcon 1, can't call insurance, can't call family lawyer, can't call the claimant's lawyer, I threw the guy's info away after not hearing from him for almost six months. And now, while I'm unemployed, with a net worth of under $6k and a cash total of $400 on my person, I am now returning to major debt.
Anonymous
0ac7a9f
?
No.4205
4234
>>4204
Oh, and in case anyone here was at the edge of their seat about my paycheck. I quit my job after spending the entire day strongarming the office to pay me. When I finally got paid, I spent it on camping supplies to leave California. After two weeks of preparing for the trip out of state, I got this claim letter.
Anonymous
0ac7a9f
?
No.4206
4207
>>4204
I'm gonna be honest. This last three months I've been at my most energized and motivated and even that was fragile. I had a goal to strive for, a means to get there, and clear progress being made on my debts. I finally paid everything off. I was days from a detailed financial plan where I could see the world and minimize costs to boot.

Now I'm back to spending all my day trying to sleep in order to avoid being awake. And what a fucking time for me to discover Omori.
Anonymous
d02a027
?
No.4207
4208
>>4206
Omori'a a video game like Undertale, right?
what do you like so much about it?
Anonymous
0ac7a9f
?
No.4208
4209 4211
>>4207
>main character's name comes from "hikikomori" (Jap word for "shut-in")
>spent four years in his own head, deathly afraid of the outside world to the point of paralysis
>used to have friends, dreams of them every day even as now everyone's separated from the circle
Gee I dunno man, probably the artstyle.
Anonymous
d02a027
?
No.4209
4210
>>4208
I've been there. What do you think it was that sent you from energized and motivated to a downwards spiral?
Anonymous
0ac7a9f
?
No.4210
4212
>>4209
Finding out that I have a $10k bounty pending was a big one. The other is that after cutting off everyone in my family except my dad, everyone's still actively involving themselves in my decision to essentially run away. So the whole family knows I owe $10k and don't have a means of paying it off myself.

Even the boyfriend's suddenly gone into overdrive, talking about withdrawing from his educational IRA and getting work to help me get past this when I'm just...paralyzed. I don't even know if I want his help. I almost just want to lie down and rot.
Anonymous
0ac7a9f
?
No.4211
4215
omori comic 4 and relevant question.jpg
omori comic 3.jpg
omori comic 2.jpg
omori comic 1.jpg
>>4208
"To be in WHITE SPACE is to be nothing.
WHITE SPACE is emptiness, a home without warmth.
A place to survive, but not to live.
Even still, your conscience cannot be erased.
It will always find a way in.
Even in WHITE SPACE, it will take the form...
and if one wills it, something will be formed to subdue it.
A hanging black light bulb... the repression of an idea."


A room stocked with things to pass time and distract myself. A notebook, a computer, a place to cum into. Endless dreams with no end in sight until forced awake, either by outside stimuli or by killing myself in my dream. (This morning I got a call I thought was from my mom, before I thought I heard my dad at my door. It was in my head, but it woke me up.) When I wake up, I see a blue light from my PC case painting a distorted circle onto the ceiling. A room loaded with supplies to leave the state, now worthless without the legal protection that I will need to settle this claim in order to guarantee. A jug of water I haven't drank from in 24 hours. A box of hard seltzers I hate to drink warm but don't want to go out to grab from the fridge until dad's gone.

Yeah. I'm Sunny, and in my dreams I am Omori.
Anonymous
d02a027
?
No.4212
4213
>>4210
Bounty? What's the bounty for?
Why not get their help?
Do you not want to owe them something?
Do you not want them to have anything to do with your life/success?
Do you have other plans for paying that debt off?
Anonymous
0ac7a9f
?
No.4213
4214 4216 4217 4218 4219
>>4212
The claim. The thing I posted about here. >>4204

I don't have any plans for paying it off except figuring it out with Statefarm tomorrow, which I hope will work out. If not...I'll have to file for chapter 7 bankruptcy before I leave, then continue as I planned, this time with every intent of cutting off everyone I know in the process. I don't want their help, I want to drown or float on my own terms for once instead of feeling like a leech. Everyone I talk to except /mlpol/ sees me as a parasite, a retarded zoomer who doesn't know anything and should just grow up. Well, here I am, having spent three months doing everything I can think of to grow up, and I've failed. So, if all else fails, live out of your car until it gets impounded.
Anonymous
d02a027
?
No.4214
4220
>>4213
Maturity isn't about rejecting help when it's offered. Responsibility is about taking ownership of yourself and your future. If you're afraid of making a bad choice, write down all options on a computer file you can delete when done, then figure out what benefits you the most.
Why are you moving out? Where are you moving to? What are your long term plans for making money and living somewhere? Do you plan on driving to super cheap land in the middle of nowhere and making a living online?
Anonymous
d388d75
?
No.4215
4220
34afa.jpg
>>4211
>WHITE SPACE is emptiness, a home without warmth.
Try BLACK SPACE and see how it goes.
Anonymous
d02a027
?
No.4216
4220
>>4213
Would it help whar you're going through if I spoiled the ending of Omori?
Anonymous
d02a027
?
No.4217
4220
>>4213
https://youtu.be/5LKMu5qcATk
Anonymous
d02a027
?
No.4218
4220
>>4213
Jokes aside when I was young I moved away from abusive parents who got away with everything including taking my sister from me. I remember being paralyzed with fear over the simplest choices and how they used to make me do stupid arbitrary things just to remind me of the feeling of powerlessness. I remember how they used to try their hardest to make me feel ashamed to exist and ashamed to be a burden on them even though they were the ones who chose to have me and chose not to give me up for adoption. They fed me shit food and made me obese as a teenager and I spent the rest of my life fighting for my fitness even though I think I might be diabetic now. They sent me to a shpeshul school that doesn't offer qualifications so I'd have no ability to get a worthwhile job that might help me get away from them. But despite their best efforts I grew. I got over the mental issues they pounded into me. I taught myself to code. And sprite. And compose music. And do everything else I need to do to make my dream game a reality. I live "alone" with fellow animufag roommates and spend hours every day on my game when not exercising or taking personal breaks. I'm allowed to waste time during personal breaks as long as I don't waste time when working.
Anonymous
d02a027
?
No.4219
4220
>>4213
The trick is to ask yourself why you feel the way you do, and don't accept the easy answers. My parents used to put no effort into the bare minimum and put actual effort into going out of their way to be awful people while constantly gaslighting me and sabotaging me and fucking up my sleep schedule and lying to me and lying to others about me. It took me a while to figure out that they are evil people and I owe them nothing for the food they fed me. Mom had narcissistic personality disorder and dad was a violent petty brute from a single mom household with no idea what a man is or should be. Kids aren't supposed to pay their parents rent. Kids arent supposed to be shamed at eight whenever their school wants money for a trip.
Anonymous
0ac7a9f
?
No.4220
4223
>>4215
I memed about that with the boyfriend. I already have White Space Online bookmarked on this computer. But there actually is a Black Space in the game. I think I only need the C key to see it. If the black light bulb represents the repression of an idea, I'm hesitant to enter Black Space. Just playing the game probably hasn't done much good for me.

>>4216
>>4217
I recognize the "Beta Mix" and channel name. Still not listening to it. Usually like SiIvaGunner, but not right now.

>>4214
My plan is literally....live out of my car, use gyms for hygiene, apply anywhere I can, park in campsites and parks. I will never be able to afford rent without someone to share it with...that's part of why I'm driving to my boyfriend's state, even though he says he wants to live with his family.

>>4218
I still remember when I was in middle school. 250 pounds and only a little over five feet. I would wear my PE uniform under my normal clothes to hide it. I was so humiliated by it that it turned into some kink for me to fantasize eating myself to death. I would come home and do homework at the kitchen table, and dad would serve me a literal two-liter wine glass shaped bowl filled with root beer float. Wouldn't ask if I wanted it, and would get mad if I told him I didn't want it. Every day after work he brings home a burger and fries, or a sandwich with tater tots. I tried to get by on chicken and rice for a while but I just didn't have the energy or even the basic understanding to cook rice.

When I first moved out of my parents' houses, I lived across town near the highway. I would drive 20 minutes to Vista to work as a courtesy clerk (grocery bagger), and come home and drink Jameson until I fell asleep. Maybe I internalized the diet dad imposed on me, or maybe I just can't be trusted with my money, but every lunch break I would either not eat, or go across the parking lot for Jack in the Box. I eventually couldn't pay rent, had to empty my educational IRA to pay it for three months before giving up and coming home to dad. I thought living with grandpa on his farm would help but his habits are even worse, and he smokes indoors. Combine that with the aforementioned years of debt problems, and the cost of broadband internet for the house which only had satellite TV, and you have a recipe for worse debt. That's how I was driven to leave again and live in North Carolina. Even that fell through, and I was forced to come home to dad to afford my car registration.

>>4219
All that stuff I wrote above doesn't excuse my actions. I'm broken and it's my fault I haven't been fixed. That's the hard answer.
Anonymous
0ac7a9f
?
No.4221
4222
Ultimatum letter.png
In theme with this thread's title, here's the first thing I'm about to say to my mom in three months.
Anonymous
0ac7a9f
?
No.4222
>>4221
She replied. I'm going out and vacuuming my car then.
Anonymous
d02a027
?
No.4223
4224
>>4220
You sound like a man who knows what's wrong in his life and wants to fix it.
Don't blame yourself for how they raised you or what they did to you. Instead, focus on what you can do to grow your new life.
Anonymous
9678248
?
No.4224
>>4223
I don't know about grow. But I'm going to start by going through with this homelessness idea. Then survive. After that...if I grow, great. If not, I don't care anymore.
Anonymous
0ac7a9f
?
No.4225
4226
Is it normal after making difficult choices to feel like you've been hollowed out? Like you've reached your choice quota for the day and need something to keep from shutting down?
Anonymous
d02a027
?
No.4226
4227 4228
>>4225
Fuck yes.
Esoecially if it was a huge choice you've been thinking about for a long time or putting off for a long time.
Don't beat yourself up over your feelings, bro. You can feel whatever you want as long as you don't choose to do stupid shit based on emotions.
I peobably shouldn't guess at shit like this but do your parents have a habit of trying to control your life and shame you for accepting their help now and then? Does it ever seem like any nice things they do for you are only power plays to try and get you to feel what they want out of you? My parents did shit like that, it took me years to recover from the psychological damage. I've got my shit together now but as a kid and teenager I was a fucking wreck.
Anonymous
d02a027
?
No.4227
>>4226
*especially
Anonymous
0ac7a9f
?
No.4228
4230 4231
>>4226
I don't know what gave me more grief from outside: accepting their health or shutting down. But inside, the latter didn't hurt as much as the former.
Anonymous
0ac7a9f
?
No.4230
>>4228
help* I'm a wreck right now, took me hours to realize it.
Anonymous
d02a027
?
No.4231
>>4228
Give yourself time to recover and plan optimally for your future. Someone living out of a car can go almost anywhere.
Anonymous
d02a027
?
No.4233
Now that I've actually watched breaking bad, it's been surreal to recall those times I heard women say shit like...
>"Walter White from Breaking Bad is a big fat meanie who had absolutely no reason to start making meth and killing people and dragging poor harmless adorable sexy cute stupid widdle Jessie through awful things because he had family members and male in-laws who could have totally covered ALL his medical expenses if he just asked!"

That kind of thinking is just peak woman. If I see someone say that, I know it's a woman, even if it claims to be a man.
And what the fuck kind of person gloats online about their lack of empathy towards fictional white men, as if that's a form of virtue-signalling in their feminist culture?

I know fiction is fiction. I know it doesn't matter that retards have wrong opinions on fiction. It's funny, that's all. It's funny that women are so open with their loathing of men and dependence on them, gloating about their lack of empathy towards men and saying "Lmao why doesn't he just mooch off his family like I would if I got cancer?" is a thing they do.
Anonymous
0ac7a9f
?
No.4234
>>4204
>>4205
Liabilities covers this. Thank goodness. Most I'll see is an increase in my rate, no copays or deductibles. So...I can still make my trip east. My fresh start is still possible this month. I just have to wait for my credit card in the mail for the gas bill, and I'm home free.
Anonymous
d02a027
?
No.4236
4237
Have you ever seen someone ritualistically self-flagellate who they used to be?

Some 20 year old confessing "When I was a kid, I was so into Spyro The Dragon I ran around the playground with my arms stuck out after jumping off a few stairs. I'd pretend I was gliding. Or ask someone else to run around so I could chase them and pretend they were an egg thief."
or "When I was a kid I actually did the Naruto run unironically and practiced every ninja handsign"
or "When I was a kid I had a crush on Sally Acorn and argued with retards four times my age online about Tailsream vs Tailsmo"

These are adults, acting like they're confessing their sins to priests.

But where men once entered special boxes to quietly confess their sins to trustworthy priests, these people confess their "sins" of uncoolness to the entire internet and every self-appointed "priest of internet coolness" desperate to root out cringe like it's something actually harmful like heresy or treasonous blood-libel.

What the fuck?
Anonymous
0ac7a9f
?
No.4237
4244 4245
>>4236
God, I hate that but I also know that I've done it before when I was a late-teen. I can get making fun of yourself or something but when it gets to the point of self-hatred or seeking approval for repenting for your cringe, that's when it's nothing but conspicuous consumption.
Anonymous
d02a027
?
No.4244
>>4237
Yep, it's like symbolic book-burning except the books are trash fanfics you wrote when you were ten.
Congrats, bro, that media you liked when you were eight isn't the best thing you've ever seen any more because you experienced better media and can understand the writing flaws in Naruto now. But the kid you were when he wrote those, he had a genuine passion, he wanted to share it with the world even if some big kids were going to call him cringe for it. Congrats, kid, you grew up to become one of the big kids bullying you for trying, even though he'd be nothing if you didn't try back then.
It kind of reminds me of those mediocre adults who love telling you how advanced they were in school. Congrats, bro, you were literate at eleven or something while getting good test scores, and you're still telling me about it now that you're thirty, but did that ever matter to your life? Did you ever read anything great with wisdoms that reshaped your life or did you just stick to teenager fiction? Were you a Twilight kid, that kid insisting Twilight is inferior to Harry Potter, that kid insisting both are inferior to Fullmetal Alchemist, or that kid who thinks reading Worm and Star Trek makes him a genius, the jojos bizarre adventure meme kid, or that kid reading Starship Troopers? There but for the grace of God I go.

I could have been one of those pop culture faggots my whole life if I didn't encounter people even futher down that waterslide than me and think they were annoying. I think my self improvement journey started when I realized I didn't want to turn out like those faggots whose lives begin and end at the media they consoom and the false identities they craft from their delusions like building clashing parts from preselected playsets into a lego house. Plus I needed to get away from my shit family. My journey accelerated when I got hardcore about my fitness and learned about the rapefugees, jews, white genocide, all that stuff. Looking back there's a lot of shit I'd change. A lot of advice I wish I heard.

Can you believe child-me's dream was to work for one of the big gaming companies I liked back then, like Nintendo or Sony? Companies now practically synonymous with EA after all their sins. I remember Game Maker... was it 7 or 8? I remember learning code from youtube tutorials while fucking with Pokemon roms. There were plans for a sonic fangame. There were plans for a pokemon romhack with every feature an optimistic kid could want minus the ones I sidn't know how to program. And now I'm making a real-ass goddamn video game. With big tits and menus and variables and everything. Indie gaming master race, solo dev for life. The only good reason to put any game on a console is so TASers can emulate it and do their thing.
Anonymous
fe57fcc
?
No.4245
4246
>>4237
Make sure to tell yourself the right stories about what happened.
https://youtu.be/u2PP7HxyOCY
As someone who spent years recovering from abusive parents including a narcissistic mother, trust me, it helps. That and exercise and a healthy diet. Eating greens won't magically make you feel better, that's crazy talk. What will help is being able to take pride in what you eat and how you exercise and what stage in your plan you have to look forward to tomorrow. For me it's more tiddy animation.
Anonymous
0ac7a9f
?
No.4246
4257
>>4245
I cherish those childhood memories, and regret deleting my old greentexts and RPs and chat logs after the fact. I enjoy reading fragments of my old stuff back, or getting back into the nostalgic mindset. Even if .Hack//SiGN is full of tween angst, I still listen to the music and think on the plot the same way my boyfriend thinks about Oban Star Racers. Even if I don't care for modern Sonic games and avoid DeviantArt like the plague now, I still appreciate it and can enjoy every game I've played up until Unleashed.

You're right that self-image and "the story" are important to your foundation. When you see your younger years as a stepping stone to becoming a better man, when you see your days of eating rice hard as the early stages of improving your diet, you can appreciate the here and now as part of that process. I think Bojack Horseman sums it up well in the episode "Ruthie:"

>"You wanna know what I do when I have a really bad, awful, terrible day?"
>"What?"
>"I imagine my great-great-great granddaughter in the future, talking to her class about me. She's poised and funny and tells people about me and how everything worked out in the end. And when I think about that, I think about how everything's going to work out. Because how else could she tell people?"

Board users have a similar idea when they talk about being main characters in the universe. It might sound like a narcissistic idea, but, it's something we do a lot in our lives and it's important when we cope with issues in life to focus on ourselves first. We've got to look after number one. That applies to us as individuals, us as a family, a neighborhood, a city, a state, a nation, a race, a civilization, and as a species. We may broaden the scope based on our personal preferences or our needs, but what we need the most, is to look out for ourselves first. Selflessness is a noble trait, but it can only be helpful if we are prepared to be selfless. One cannot fight for others when he's tied up to a chair with a knife to his throat.
Anonymous
0ac7a9f
?
No.4255
4256 4262
I'm leaving as soon as dad goes to bed tonight. Wish me luck on the trip east, fillers.
Anonymous
f169a7b
?
No.4256
>>4255
Why can’t you be a man and actually tell him to his face you are leaving? Ditching in the middle of the night is the most bitch move that solves nothing. If it is something that can’t be talked out, a resolution of mutually agreed ending of te relationship is far better than just vanishing.
Anonymous
d02a027
?
No.4257
4258 4259
>>4246
What if homosexuality is actually an evolutionary advantage, because it helps gay men tell when they're sexy to women and other gay men?
Resist the urge to get AIDS rammed up your arsehole and you could be straight anyway.
Anonymous
d917b71
?
No.4258
4260 4261 4273
84c.png
>>4257
>What if homosexuality is actually an evolutionary advantage
I sense subversion.
Anonymous
61049c0
?
No.4259
>>4257
I think youre onto something, you should try it
Anonymous
c5f58a2
?
No.4260
>>4258
I think (((Milo))) said the same thing, or at least that the genes that turn a man gay also raise their IQ? It's stupid but this is Milo, so...
Anonymous
d02a027
?
No.4261
Sorry.jpg
>>4258
Nah.
Anonymous
d02a027
?
No.4262
4275
>>4255
This might help, reading about https://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder NPD helped me come to terms with what narcissists my parents were.
What are your parents like? Why do you want to escape from your family?
Anonymous
a6199de
?
No.4273
>>4258
Nope.
Anonymous
52db42d
?
No.4275
>>4262
It's not my problem anymore, I'm meeting with the bf today and my dad doesn't have any idea where I am. All according to keikaku.
Anonymous
61049c0
?
No.4298
4299 4300 4302 4303 4304 4329
I killed a hoers today.
I prepared for her for months. I made an exclusive pen, I sectioned off areas for grazing, and I gave her ple ty of brushies and itches
But she got out. Its nuanced, but tldr she got out. and I live on a highway, so thats where she ran to cuz less fencing. and thats where she was hit, and thats where I put her down.
I thought I could provide a good enviroment for a mini hors, and instead I was putting one down.
Please frens, be careful with your animals. Be good and kind to them. Always.
Anonymous
b0443c9
?
No.4299
4301
FCB12DA5C629401A0329FDFCFC69E4B1-163300.png
>>4298
Anonymous
7c1ee34
?
No.4300
4301
AEC07F2E-EF7C-4770-A3E9-85BFF23B9C70.jpeg
>>4298
Anonymous
61049c0
?
No.4301
>>4299
>>4300
Yeah. Life's a bitch at times. I failed, heres hoping y'all dont
Anonymous
d917b71
?
No.4302
75.jpg
>>4298
Anonymous
fed01c0
?
No.4303
>>4298
that's so sad :derpy-hooves:
Anonymous
c6f73f0
?
No.4304
>>4298
That's so sad.
I'm sorry for your loss, Anon.
Anonymous
61049c0
?
No.4305
4309 4310 4329
f-1.png
20210831_194902.jpg
I posted a picture of her in another thread. I prepared for her for over a year, getting all my ducks in a row, doing all the necessary preparations and research, and 2 weeks to the day I had to put her down because at thr end of the day I failed in my responsibility. I have never been so ashamed of myself.
Anonymous
c6f73f0
?
No.4309
4311
>>4305
You did what you could. It didn't seem like she died for any lack of you trying. You seemed excited and eager and prepared to build the best environment, but this world is chaotic and things like this just happen sometimes, so you shouldn't blame yourself too much for it.
I've had pets get hit by cars before, and it's one of the worst feelings...
Anonymous
c6f73f0
?
No.4310
4311
>>4305
I know there's nothing I can say to make you feel better about what you just experienced, but just try not to beat yourself up too much about it. I'm sure it must be digging into all kinds of latent feelings of personal inadequacy and guilt right now, and that that must be agonizing to feel on top of the loss of losing your horse, but you can grow to forgive yourself eventually. You as a person don't necessarily need to be defined by your mistakes.
Anonymous
61049c0
?
No.4311
4312 4313 4314
mlp.png
>>4309
I did everything I thought of to do, thats not the same as everything I could. I let my excitement get the better of me and made several critical design flaws to the pen and the area around it. As a holding area it was fine, but I neglected several easily-implemented fail-safes that could have prevented this, and most damningly I never even asked myself the question of 'what do I do if she gets out?'. That question alone could have prevented this.
>>4310
No, I think beating myself up over this is precisely what needs to happen.
I do appreciate the consolation though
Anonymous
2833521
?
No.4312
4315
381.gif
>>4311
Fren. its not your fault i promise. how could you have known she would get out? you couldn't have.
Anonymous
f169a7b
?
No.4313
4315
>>4311
No, beating yourself up about it isn’t going to help. Sometimes, even the most well thought out plans for wrong, despite our best efforts. You might not think your planning was enough now, but hindsight always will allow you to see flaws that you couldn’t before. You need some time, but if this is your dream, you can’t let this stop you.

I am sorry for your loss, but I hope you understand that you are going to learn from this and you shouldn’t give up. You are going to be ok.
Anonymous
58849fd
?
No.4314
>>4311
Don't be to hard on yourself anon. It is understandable and natural to feel bad and thinking all sorts of what ifs, hindsight is always 20/20. You did not will this or want this so you didn't do anything wrong. You wanted to give her a good home and I would also say you did do that. Accidents happens and no one can foresee and prevent them all. Your motives were pure and you should not feel bad for trying to do something good.
Anonymous
61049c0
?
No.4315
4316 4317 4318 4320
>>4312
Thats where you're wrong, its literally all my fault. The responsibility, obligation, onus, all falls on me. I should have known she would get out, I should have planned for it. I should have set up an elaborate system of fences beyond and around her pen.
I SHOULD have made it inevitable that even upon getting out, leading her back would be easy, because there would be nowhere for her to go. Instead, it was in3v8table that she escape, and the rest is history.
I appreciate you saying so, but I reject the notion that its not my fault.
>>4313
I disagree. This experience has shown ways in which I have become contemptible, and self-loathing is a powerful impetus for change.
Anonymous
f169a7b
?
No.4316
4319
>>4315
I know you don’t want to hear it right now, but that is an unreasonable outlook. I have neighbors that have horses and they don’t have backup fences or anything. Where you see a lack of planning, I see just a normal set up.

If you are encouraged to make back ups to prevent it happening again, then that is great. However, you couldn’t have foreseen this. All the self loathing couldn’t have changed that and it won’t change it in the future. If you are blinded by those thoughts, you may harden your heart towards life, making it worthless to continue your dream. You will tie your dream to the negative emotion you are experiencing.

I wish the best for you in all you do.
Anonymous
2833521
?
No.4317
4319
>>4315
Bro. you cannot foresee the future. its impossible. you shouldn't beat yourself up over it. its a tragedy it happened. but its not your fault.
Anonymous
87caeb9
?
No.4318
4319
>>4315
You could try and upgrade your fencing now to stop this from happening again
Whenever a friend of mine catches me beating myself up he tells me to look at what I can learn from it to improve something, and then stop, because it's always easier after a change.
Anonymous
61049c0
?
No.4319
4329
>>4316
Again, I must disagree. I absolutely could have forseen this, and I was derelict in not having done so. Also, dream is a bit of a misnomer. I simply love animals fluttershy is best pone btw, and my situation has developed to where it was not only feasible to get a horse, but it is beneficial in keeping the grass down without having to mow. And, while others may not have fail-safes, everyone I know who has livestock does including the breeder (who - fun fact - didnt charge me for her adoption because "she knew she was going to a good home and she would be well taken care of"), who has no less than 4 perimeter fences surrounding the horse pens, as well as an i tricate network of gates many of which cant be open at the same time. I get what you're trying to convey, but you're not going to convince me that this was an accident; this was an abject failure, and Im coming from the school where if I lose sight of that, Ive failed twice.
>>4317
>you cant see the future
Its not as difficult as you might think actually
>its not your fault
I didnt do it deliberately thats true, but again the responsibility was mine. My behavior was insufficient to express my Intent, and so my Will couldnt manifest. My Will was to keep her safe. The failure stands.
>>4318
>upgrade your fencing
You're goddamn right I will

And if nothing else, I hope my example serves as a lesson for anyone reading.
Anonymous
415b31d
?
No.4320
4321 4329
>>4315
Do you have enough money to get a new one?

One of the main things about horses is they respond to pain the most. It has something to do with how their brains are wired, and a lot of it gets short-circuited with some pain. This is how they are trained. Spurs and bits are to induce enough pain to train them. Breaking in a horse (or pone... lul) to not do annoying things like get out of the pen or stay off the road unless someone is on their back is a process. Heh, I guess children are similar in this regard.
You can't just give them all your love and expect an animal (or even most ppl) to do what is decent or good. While I suspect you know this already, it is worth repeating.

Having grown up on a farm, maybe its a bit different to my outlook on life. Raising a cow, laying out in the sun with it on lazy summer days... then shooting it in the head, butchering it and eating it. Death (at the moment) is part of life. There are billions of what-if's... don't let the what-if's bog you down.
Anonymous
c176dcc
?
No.4321
>>4320
Money isnt/wasnt the issue, and yes I have the means to adopt another. The point there is the gesture and the trust placed. And in time I will get another one, but I have alot of shit to get together first. And the area is such that I will see the breeder again, one way or another. Before I face her again, I absolutely owe it to correct every reasonable flaw in my setup
Anonymous
809e82d
?
No.4326
4327 4328 4329
-w5dWqA4BSrE.png
My final word before returning this thread to its regularly scheduled random outbursts.
After a little over a day of raking myself over the coals, Ive determined the failing perceptions that led to this tragedy. I'll forever blame myself for what happened, but from a 'never again' position as opposed to a 'Im a horrible person' position. Please dont let my exceedingly critical tone give a false impression; it is a posture geared toward producing almost immediate results by harnessing the adverse emotions that come from such experiences. And for a day I truly hated myself, but now that I know how to exhaustively prevent this from happening again, NOW I can begin to mourn for her, and to forgive myself. But thats just how I do it; business first, personal after.
Thanks everyone, you all helped in ways I cant articulate but it meant alot.
Anonymous
f169a7b
?
No.4327
>>4326
We will always be here for you anon. If you ever need anything, let us know.
Anonymous
d917b71
?
No.4328
63749.jpg
>>4326
Best wishes poner.
Anonymous
55cbf86
?
No.4329
4330 4332 4336
deus ex.jpg
>>4298
Quite a lot of horses have died over the past week, it's fairly phenomenal in how these occurrences have rapidly transpired although there is more to be seen it seems.
>>4305
She looks like a Shetland, her ears are pointing back while the stance she poses is defensive rather than trusting or relaxed.
>>4319
An experience to show exampling.
You have no one to blame but yourself.
>>4320
Death is a necessarily harsh step towards change, it is a process we are all a part of. Yet desperate times call for dire measures before defeat is accepted.
>>4326
The abyss is a nasty place for your mind to be, it's a challenge in keeping your head during such phases. Sorrow leads to regret which spirals downward into misery, further down the darker it gets.
Anonymous
f169a7b
?
No.4330
4336 4339
>>4329
The fuck are you on anon?
Anonymous
d917b71
?
No.4332
4336 4339
afafa.png
>>4329
>a narcissist trying to spread mysery
Your inner self is so transparent.
Anonymous
f9e212a
?
No.4336
4339
mlp-1.png
>>4329
>more to be seen
Please elaborate
>ears back
Yes, that was the day we brought her home. I only have 2 pictures of her, regrettably
>no one to blame
Quite
>the abyss
Im coming from the school where one doesnt fear the abyss and abandoning one's self to it is an essential part of one's potentiation. The trick is to not lose one's self in the process, which is what many/most other aspects of the work are geared toward in some capacity, but I digress.
>>4330
>>4332
His words mirror many my own, I see no fault

As a surprise addendum, a very "Applejack-esque" cowgirl Im aquainted with had this to say about the matter.
>Dont you dare let this break you. Dont you dare. You cant keep horses without losing them eventually. But not everyone who loses a horse internalizes it. Alot of them wouldn't obsess about what they did wrong, and alot of them wouldnt shed a tear in putting them down. Alot of them dont care. And there are alot of horses who need the love and affection you can give them. You know what you did wrong now so get up, dust yourself off, and get back in the saddle cuz theres alot of horses out there dying without knowing any human affection. She bonded to you in a week. I dont know many first-time horse owners who have managed that.
>pic related
Anonymous
55cbf86
?
No.4339
aryanne pixel art.png
>>4330
Long story short. Nutmeg.
>>4332
>Transparency
Perhaps, although not every glass is clear nor is all water either.
There is more than meets the eye, as usual.
Narcissism could be numbered against my long list but as of yet it isn't for it would be another labeled smear on the records, self obsession is common amongst the modern populace. Generosity is a rare commodity nowadays, unfortunately so.
>>4336
>Please elaborate
To phrase it abruptly, there are always going to be more dead horses. The desensitization of deceased domestic animals is hard to acquire if one's heart is ever too caring and sharing.
Elaborated accordingly.
>Yes, that was the day we brought her home.
Unaccustomed to the strange environment that appeared before her, she saw the flaws and manipulated them but had not anticipated the danger of the roaring roads.
>Im coming from the school where one doesnt fear the abyss
The fear of sadness, is but a phobia of depression.
Anonymous
87caeb9
?
No.4340
4341 4343
We should have a thread for nice music.
There's a political music thread but I mean one specifically for this sort of thing https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_cLprhx7JE that just sounds nice. Based lyrics about a happy housewife being good to her ploughman, a cheerful tone, not a nigger to be heard, it's a traditional song advocating for traditionalism while sounding nice.
Anonymous
d917b71
?
No.4341
4342 4343
>>4340
We already have it.
Non political music goes here: >>>/sp/2487 →
Anonymous
87caeb9
?
No.4342
4343
>>4341
You're right, another thread specifically for that sort of music would be a bit much
Anonymous
55cbf86
?
No.4343
The Clancy Brothers  Tommy Makem  The Nightingale  Johnsons Motor Car.mp4
>>4340
>>4341
>>4342
Who doesn't like a bit of Irish music every once in a while?