/ub/ - Überhengst

>>4206
Omori'a a video game like Undertale, right?
what do you like so much about it?

>>4208
I've been there. What do you think it was that sent you from energized and motivated to a downwards spiral?

>>4209
Finding out that I have a $10k bounty pending was a big one. The other is that after cutting off everyone in my family except my dad, everyone's still actively involving themselves in my decision to essentially run away. So the whole family knows I owe $10k and don't have a means of paying it off myself.

Even the boyfriend's suddenly gone into overdrive, talking about withdrawing from his educational IRA and getting work to help me get past this when I'm just...paralyzed. I don't even know if I want his help. I almost just want to lie down and rot.

>>4208
"To be in WHITE SPACE is to be nothing.
WHITE SPACE is emptiness, a home without warmth.
A place to survive, but not to live.
Even still, your conscience cannot be erased.
It will always find a way in.
Even in WHITE SPACE, it will take the form...
and if one wills it, something will be formed to subdue it.
A hanging black light bulb... the repression of an idea."

A room stocked with things to pass time and distract myself. A notebook, a computer, a place to cum into. Endless dreams with no end in sight until forced awake, either by outside stimuli or by killing myself in my dream. (This morning I got a call I thought was from my mom, before I thought I heard my dad at my door. It was in my head, but it woke me up.) When I wake up, I see a blue light from my PC case painting a distorted circle onto the ceiling. A room loaded with supplies to leave the state, now worthless without the legal protection that I will need to settle this claim in order to guarantee. A jug of water I haven't drank from in 24 hours. A box of hard seltzers I hate to drink warm but don't want to go out to grab from the fridge until dad's gone.

Yeah. I'm Sunny, and in my dreams I am Omori.

>>4210
Bounty? What's the bounty for?
Why not get their help?
Do you not want to owe them something?
Do you not want them to have anything to do with your life/success?
Do you have other plans for paying that debt off?

>>4212
The claim. The thing I posted about here. >>4204

I don't have any plans for paying it off except figuring it out with Statefarm tomorrow, which I hope will work out. If not...I'll have to file for chapter 7 bankruptcy before I leave, then continue as I planned, this time with every intent of cutting off everyone I know in the process. I don't want their help, I want to drown or float on my own terms for once instead of feeling like a leech. Everyone I talk to except /mlpol/ sees me as a parasite, a retarded zoomer who doesn't know anything and should just grow up. Well, here I am, having spent three months doing everything I can think of to grow up, and I've failed. So, if all else fails, live out of your car until it gets impounded.

>>4213
Maturity isn't about rejecting help when it's offered. Responsibility is about taking ownership of yourself and your future. If you're afraid of making a bad choice, write down all options on a computer file you can delete when done, then figure out what benefits you the most.
Why are you moving out? Where are you moving to? What are your long term plans for making money and living somewhere? Do you plan on driving to super cheap land in the middle of nowhere and making a living online?

>>4211
>WHITE SPACE is emptiness, a home without warmth.
Try BLACK SPACE and see how it goes.

>>4213
Would it help whar you're going through if I spoiled the ending of Omori?

>>4213
Jokes aside when I was young I moved away from abusive parents who got away with everything including taking my sister from me. I remember being paralyzed with fear over the simplest choices and how they used to make me do stupid arbitrary things just to remind me of the feeling of powerlessness. I remember how they used to try their hardest to make me feel ashamed to exist and ashamed to be a burden on them even though they were the ones who chose to have me and chose not to give me up for adoption. They fed me shit food and made me obese as a teenager and I spent the rest of my life fighting for my fitness even though I think I might be diabetic now. They sent me to a shpeshul school that doesn't offer qualifications so I'd have no ability to get a worthwhile job that might help me get away from them. But despite their best efforts I grew. I got over the mental issues they pounded into me. I taught myself to code. And sprite. And compose music. And do everything else I need to do to make my dream game a reality. I live "alone" with fellow animufag roommates and spend hours every day on my game when not exercising or taking personal breaks. I'm allowed to waste time during personal breaks as long as I don't waste time when working.

>>4213
The trick is to ask yourself why you feel the way you do, and don't accept the easy answers. My parents used to put no effort into the bare minimum and put actual effort into going out of their way to be awful people while constantly gaslighting me and sabotaging me and fucking up my sleep schedule and lying to me and lying to others about me. It took me a while to figure out that they are evil people and I owe them nothing for the food they fed me. Mom had narcissistic personality disorder and dad was a violent petty brute from a single mom household with no idea what a man is or should be. Kids aren't supposed to pay their parents rent. Kids arent supposed to be shamed at eight whenever their school wants money for a trip.

>>4215
I memed about that with the boyfriend. I already have White Space Online bookmarked on this computer. But there actually is a Black Space in the game. I think I only need the C key to see it. If the black light bulb represents the repression of an idea, I'm hesitant to enter Black Space. Just playing the game probably hasn't done much good for me.

>>4216
>>4217
I recognize the "Beta Mix" and channel name. Still not listening to it. Usually like SiIvaGunner, but not right now.

>>4214
My plan is literally....live out of my car, use gyms for hygiene, apply anywhere I can, park in campsites and parks. I will never be able to afford rent without someone to share it with...that's part of why I'm driving to my boyfriend's state, even though he says he wants to live with his family.

>>4218
I still remember when I was in middle school. 250 pounds and only a little over five feet. I would wear my PE uniform under my normal clothes to hide it. I was so humiliated by it that it turned into some kink for me to fantasize eating myself to death. I would come home and do homework at the kitchen table, and dad would serve me a literal two-liter wine glass shaped bowl filled with root beer float. Wouldn't ask if I wanted it, and would get mad if I told him I didn't want it. Every day after work he brings home a burger and fries, or a sandwich with tater tots. I tried to get by on chicken and rice for a while but I just didn't have the energy or even the basic understanding to cook rice.

When I first moved out of my parents' houses, I lived across town near the highway. I would drive 20 minutes to Vista to work as a courtesy clerk (grocery bagger), and come home and drink Jameson until I fell asleep. Maybe I internalized the diet dad imposed on me, or maybe I just can't be trusted with my money, but every lunch break I would either not eat, or go across the parking lot for Jack in the Box. I eventually couldn't pay rent, had to empty my educational IRA to pay it for three months before giving up and coming home to dad. I thought living with grandpa on his farm would help but his habits are even worse, and he smokes indoors. Combine that with the aforementioned years of debt problems, and the cost of broadband internet for the house which only had satellite TV, and you have a recipe for worse debt. That's how I was driven to leave again and live in North Carolina. Even that fell through, and I was forced to come home to dad to afford my car registration.

>>4219
All that stuff I wrote above doesn't excuse my actions. I'm broken and it's my fault I haven't been fixed. That's the hard answer.

In theme with this thread's title, here's the first thing I'm about to say to my mom in three months.

>>4221
She replied. I'm going out and vacuuming my car then.

>>4220
You sound like a man who knows what's wrong in his life and wants to fix it.
Don't blame yourself for how they raised you or what they did to you. Instead, focus on what you can do to grow your new life.

>>4223
I don't know about grow. But I'm going to start by going through with this homelessness idea. Then survive. After that...if I grow, great. If not, I don't care anymore.

Is it normal after making difficult choices to feel like you've been hollowed out? Like you've reached your choice quota for the day and need something to keep from shutting down?

>>4225
Fuck yes.
Esoecially if it was a huge choice you've been thinking about for a long time or putting off for a long time.
Don't beat yourself up over your feelings, bro. You can feel whatever you want as long as you don't choose to do stupid shit based on emotions.
I peobably shouldn't guess at shit like this but do your parents have a habit of trying to control your life and shame you for accepting their help now and then? Does it ever seem like any nice things they do for you are only power plays to try and get you to feel what they want out of you? My parents did shit like that, it took me years to recover from the psychological damage. I've got my shit together now but as a kid and teenager I was a fucking wreck.

>>4226
*especially

>>4226
I don't know what gave me more grief from outside: accepting their health or shutting down. But inside, the latter didn't hurt as much as the former.

>>4228
help* I'm a wreck right now, took me hours to realize it.

>>4228
Give yourself time to recover and plan optimally for your future. Someone living out of a car can go almost anywhere.

Now that I've actually watched breaking bad, it's been surreal to recall those times I heard women say shit like...
>"Walter White from Breaking Bad is a big fat meanie who had absolutely no reason to start making meth and killing people and dragging poor harmless adorable sexy cute stupid widdle Jessie through awful things because he had family members and male in-laws who could have totally covered ALL his medical expenses if he just asked!"

That kind of thinking is just peak woman. If I see someone say that, I know it's a woman, even if it claims to be a man.
And what the fuck kind of person gloats online about their lack of empathy towards fictional white men, as if that's a form of virtue-signalling in their feminist culture?

I know fiction is fiction. I know it doesn't matter that retards have wrong opinions on fiction. It's funny, that's all. It's funny that women are so open with their loathing of men and dependence on them, gloating about their lack of empathy towards men and saying "Lmao why doesn't he just mooch off his family like I would if I got cancer?" is a thing they do.

>>4204
>>4205
Liabilities covers this. Thank goodness. Most I'll see is an increase in my rate, no copays or deductibles. So...I can still make my trip east. My fresh start is still possible this month. I just have to wait for my credit card in the mail for the gas bill, and I'm home free.

Have you ever seen someone ritualistically self-flagellate who they used to be?

Some 20 year old confessing "When I was a kid, I was so into Spyro The Dragon I ran around the playground with my arms stuck out after jumping off a few stairs. I'd pretend I was gliding. Or ask someone else to run around so I could chase them and pretend they were an egg thief."
or "When I was a kid I actually did the Naruto run unironically and practiced every ninja handsign"
or "When I was a kid I had a crush on Sally Acorn and argued with retards four times my age online about Tailsream vs Tailsmo"

These are adults, acting like they're confessing their sins to priests.

But where men once entered special boxes to quietly confess their sins to trustworthy priests, these people confess their "sins" of uncoolness to the entire internet and every self-appointed "priest of internet coolness" desperate to root out cringe like it's something actually harmful like heresy or treasonous blood-libel.

What the fuck?

>>4236
God, I hate that but I also know that I've done it before when I was a late-teen. I can get making fun of yourself or something but when it gets to the point of self-hatred or seeking approval for repenting for your cringe, that's when it's nothing but conspicuous consumption.

>>4237
Yep, it's like symbolic book-burning except the books are trash fanfics you wrote when you were ten.
Congrats, bro, that media you liked when you were eight isn't the best thing you've ever seen any more because you experienced better media and can understand the writing flaws in Naruto now. But the kid you were when he wrote those, he had a genuine passion, he wanted to share it with the world even if some big kids were going to call him cringe for it. Congrats, kid, you grew up to become one of the big kids bullying you for trying, even though he'd be nothing if you didn't try back then.
It kind of reminds me of those mediocre adults who love telling you how advanced they were in school. Congrats, bro, you were literate at eleven or something while getting good test scores, and you're still telling me about it now that you're thirty, but did that ever matter to your life? Did you ever read anything great with wisdoms that reshaped your life or did you just stick to teenager fiction? Were you a Twilight kid, that kid insisting Twilight is inferior to Harry Potter, that kid insisting both are inferior to Fullmetal Alchemist, or that kid who thinks reading Worm and Star Trek makes him a genius, the jojos bizarre adventure meme kid, or that kid reading Starship Troopers? There but for the grace of God I go.

I could have been one of those pop culture faggots my whole life if I didn't encounter people even futher down that waterslide than me and think they were annoying. I think my self improvement journey started when I realized I didn't want to turn out like those faggots whose lives begin and end at the media they consoom and the false identities they craft from their delusions like building clashing parts from preselected playsets into a lego house. Plus I needed to get away from my shit family. My journey accelerated when I got hardcore about my fitness and learned about the rapefugees, jews, white genocide, all that stuff. Looking back there's a lot of shit I'd change. A lot of advice I wish I heard.

Can you believe child-me's dream was to work for one of the big gaming companies I liked back then, like Nintendo or Sony? Companies now practically synonymous with EA after all their sins. I remember Game Maker... was it 7 or 8? I remember learning code from youtube tutorials while fucking with Pokemon roms. There were plans for a sonic fangame. There were plans for a pokemon romhack with every feature an optimistic kid could want minus the ones I sidn't know how to program. And now I'm making a real-ass goddamn video game. With big tits and menus and variables and everything. Indie gaming master race, solo dev for life. The only good reason to put any game on a console is so TASers can emulate it and do their thing.

>>4237
Make sure to tell yourself the right stories about what happened.
https://youtu.be/u2PP7HxyOCY
As someone who spent years recovering from abusive parents including a narcissistic mother, trust me, it helps. That and exercise and a healthy diet. Eating greens won't magically make you feel better, that's crazy talk. What will help is being able to take pride in what you eat and how you exercise and what stage in your plan you have to look forward to tomorrow. For me it's more tiddy animation.

>>4245
I cherish those childhood memories, and regret deleting my old greentexts and RPs and chat logs after the fact. I enjoy reading fragments of my old stuff back, or getting back into the nostalgic mindset. Even if .Hack//SiGN is full of tween angst, I still listen to the music and think on the plot the same way my boyfriend thinks about Oban Star Racers. Even if I don't care for modern Sonic games and avoid DeviantArt like the plague now, I still appreciate it and can enjoy every game I've played up until Unleashed.

You're right that self-image and "the story" are important to your foundation. When you see your younger years as a stepping stone to becoming a better man, when you see your days of eating rice hard as the early stages of improving your diet, you can appreciate the here and now as part of that process. I think Bojack Horseman sums it up well in the episode "Ruthie:"

>"You wanna know what I do when I have a really bad, awful, terrible day?"
>"What?"
>"I imagine my great-great-great granddaughter in the future, talking to her class about me. She's poised and funny and tells people about me and how everything worked out in the end. And when I think about that, I think about how everything's going to work out. Because how else could she tell people?"

Board users have a similar idea when they talk about being main characters in the universe. It might sound like a narcissistic idea, but, it's something we do a lot in our lives and it's important when we cope with issues in life to focus on ourselves first. We've got to look after number one. That applies to us as individuals, us as a family, a neighborhood, a city, a state, a nation, a race, a civilization, and as a species. We may broaden the scope based on our personal preferences or our needs, but what we need the most, is to look out for ourselves first. Selflessness is a noble trait, but it can only be helpful if we are prepared to be selfless. One cannot fight for others when he's tied up to a chair with a knife to his throat.

I'm leaving as soon as dad goes to bed tonight. Wish me luck on the trip east, fillers.

>>4255
Why can’t you be a man and actually tell him to his face you are leaving? Ditching in the middle of the night is the most bitch move that solves nothing. If it is something that can’t be talked out, a resolution of mutually agreed ending of te relationship is far better than just vanishing.

>>4246
What if homosexuality is actually an evolutionary advantage, because it helps gay men tell when they're sexy to women and other gay men?
Resist the urge to get AIDS rammed up your arsehole and you could be straight anyway.

>>4257
>What if homosexuality is actually an evolutionary advantage
I sense subversion.

>>4257
I think youre onto something, you should try it

>>4258
I think (((Milo))) said the same thing, or at least that the genes that turn a man gay also raise their IQ? It's stupid but this is Milo, so...

>>4258
Nah.

>>4255
This might help, reading about https://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder NPD helped me come to terms with what narcissists my parents were.
What are your parents like? Why do you want to escape from your family?

>>4258
Nope.

>>4262
It's not my problem anymore, I'm meeting with the bf today and my dad doesn't have any idea where I am. All according to keikaku.

I killed a hoers today.
I prepared for her for months. I made an exclusive pen, I sectioned off areas for grazing, and I gave her ple ty of brushies and itches
But she got out. Its nuanced, but tldr she got out. and I live on a highway, so thats where she ran to cuz less fencing. and thats where she was hit, and thats where I put her down.
I thought I could provide a good enviroment for a mini hors, and instead I was putting one down.
Please frens, be careful with your animals. Be good and kind to them. Always.

>>4299
>>4300
Yeah. Life's a bitch at times. I failed, heres hoping y'all dont

>>4298
that's so sad

>>4298
That's so sad.
I'm sorry for your loss, Anon.

I posted a picture of her in another thread. I prepared for her for over a year, getting all my ducks in a row, doing all the necessary preparations and research, and 2 weeks to the day I had to put her down because at thr end of the day I failed in my responsibility. I have never been so ashamed of myself.

>>4305
You did what you could. It didn't seem like she died for any lack of you trying. You seemed excited and eager and prepared to build the best environment, but this world is chaotic and things like this just happen sometimes, so you shouldn't blame yourself too much for it.
I've had pets get hit by cars before, and it's one of the worst feelings...

>>4305
I know there's nothing I can say to make you feel better about what you just experienced, but just try not to beat yourself up too much about it. I'm sure it must be digging into all kinds of latent feelings of personal inadequacy and guilt right now, and that that must be agonizing to feel on top of the loss of losing your horse, but you can grow to forgive yourself eventually. You as a person don't necessarily need to be defined by your mistakes.

>>4309
I did everything I thought of to do, thats not the same as everything I could. I let my excitement get the better of me and made several critical design flaws to the pen and the area around it. As a holding area it was fine, but I neglected several easily-implemented fail-safes that could have prevented this, and most damningly I never even asked myself the question of 'what do I do if she gets out?'. That question alone could have prevented this.
>>4310
No, I think beating myself up over this is precisely what needs to happen.
I do appreciate the consolation though

>>4311
Fren. its not your fault i promise. how could you have known she would get out? you couldn't have.

>>4311
No, beating yourself up about it isn’t going to help. Sometimes, even the most well thought out plans for wrong, despite our best efforts. You might not think your planning was enough now, but hindsight always will allow you to see flaws that you couldn’t before. You need some time, but if this is your dream, you can’t let this stop you.

I am sorry for your loss, but I hope you understand that you are going to learn from this and you shouldn’t give up. You are going to be ok.

>>4311
Don't be to hard on yourself anon. It is understandable and natural to feel bad and thinking all sorts of what ifs, hindsight is always 20/20. You did not will this or want this so you didn't do anything wrong. You wanted to give her a good home and I would also say you did do that. Accidents happens and no one can foresee and prevent them all. Your motives were pure and you should not feel bad for trying to do something good.

>>4312
Thats where you're wrong, its literally all my fault. The responsibility, obligation, onus, all falls on me. I should have known she would get out, I should have planned for it. I should have set up an elaborate system of fences beyond and around her pen.
I SHOULD have made it inevitable that even upon getting out, leading her back would be easy, because there would be nowhere for her to go. Instead, it was in3v8table that she escape, and the rest is history.
I appreciate you saying so, but I reject the notion that its not my fault.
>>4313
I disagree. This experience has shown ways in which I have become contemptible, and self-loathing is a powerful impetus for change.

>>4315
I know you don’t want to hear it right now, but that is an unreasonable outlook. I have neighbors that have horses and they don’t have backup fences or anything. Where you see a lack of planning, I see just a normal set up.

If you are encouraged to make back ups to prevent it happening again, then that is great. However, you couldn’t have foreseen this. All the self loathing couldn’t have changed that and it won’t change it in the future. If you are blinded by those thoughts, you may harden your heart towards life, making it worthless to continue your dream. You will tie your dream to the negative emotion you are experiencing.

I wish the best for you in all you do.

>>4315
Bro. you cannot foresee the future. its impossible. you shouldn't beat yourself up over it. its a tragedy it happened. but its not your fault.

>>4315
You could try and upgrade your fencing now to stop this from happening again
Whenever a friend of mine catches me beating myself up he tells me to look at what I can learn from it to improve something, and then stop, because it's always easier after a change.

>>4316
Again, I must disagree. I absolutely could have forseen this, and I was derelict in not having done so. Also, dream is a bit of a misnomer. I simply love animals fluttershy is best pone btw, and my situation has developed to where it was not only feasible to get a horse, but it is beneficial in keeping the grass down without having to mow. And, while others may not have fail-safes, everyone I know who has livestock does including the breeder (who - fun fact - didnt charge me for her adoption because "she knew she was going to a good home and she would be well taken care of"), who has no less than 4 perimeter fences surrounding the horse pens, as well as an i tricate network of gates many of which cant be open at the same time. I get what you're trying to convey, but you're not going to convince me that this was an accident; this was an abject failure, and Im coming from the school where if I lose sight of that, Ive failed twice.
>>4317
>you cant see the future
Its not as difficult as you might think actually
>its not your fault
I didnt do it deliberately thats true, but again the responsibility was mine. My behavior was insufficient to express my Intent, and so my Will couldnt manifest. My Will was to keep her safe. The failure stands.
>>4318
>upgrade your fencing
You're goddamn right I will

And if nothing else, I hope my example serves as a lesson for anyone reading.

>>4315
Do you have enough money to get a new one?

One of the main things about horses is they respond to pain the most. It has something to do with how their brains are wired, and a lot of it gets short-circuited with some pain. This is how they are trained. Spurs and bits are to induce enough pain to train them. Breaking in a horse (or pone... lul) to not do annoying things like get out of the pen or stay off the road unless someone is on their back is a process. Heh, I guess children are similar in this regard.
You can't just give them all your love and expect an animal (or even most ppl) to do what is decent or good. While I suspect you know this already, it is worth repeating.

Having grown up on a farm, maybe its a bit different to my outlook on life. Raising a cow, laying out in the sun with it on lazy summer days... then shooting it in the head, butchering it and eating it. Death (at the moment) is part of life. There are billions of what-if's... don't let the what-if's bog you down.

>>4320
Money isnt/wasnt the issue, and yes I have the means to adopt another. The point there is the gesture and the trust placed. And in time I will get another one, but I have alot of shit to get together first. And the area is such that I will see the breeder again, one way or another. Before I face her again, I absolutely owe it to correct every reasonable flaw in my setup

My final word before returning this thread to its regularly scheduled random outbursts.
After a little over a day of raking myself over the coals, Ive determined the failing perceptions that led to this tragedy. I'll forever blame myself for what happened, but from a 'never again' position as opposed to a 'Im a horrible person' position. Please dont let my exceedingly critical tone give a false impression; it is a posture geared toward producing almost immediate results by harnessing the adverse emotions that come from such experiences. And for a day I truly hated myself, but now that I know how to exhaustively prevent this from happening again, NOW I can begin to mourn for her, and to forgive myself. But thats just how I do it; business first, personal after.
Thanks everyone, you all helped in ways I cant articulate but it meant alot.

>>4326
We will always be here for you anon. If you ever need anything, let us know.

>>4326
Best wishes poner.

>>4298
Quite a lot of horses have died over the past week, it's fairly phenomenal in how these occurrences have rapidly transpired although there is more to be seen it seems.
>>4305
She looks like a Shetland, her ears are pointing back while the stance she poses is defensive rather than trusting or relaxed.
>>4319
An experience to show exampling.
You have no one to blame but yourself.
>>4320
Death is a necessarily harsh step towards change, it is a process we are all a part of. Yet desperate times call for dire measures before defeat is accepted.
>>4326
The abyss is a nasty place for your mind to be, it's a challenge in keeping your head during such phases. Sorrow leads to regret which spirals downward into misery, further down the darker it gets.

>>4329
The fuck are you on anon?

>>4329
>a narcissist trying to spread mysery
Your inner self is so transparent.

>>4329
>more to be seen
Please elaborate
>ears back
Yes, that was the day we brought her home. I only have 2 pictures of her, regrettably
>no one to blame
Quite
>the abyss
Im coming from the school where one doesnt fear the abyss and abandoning one's self to it is an essential part of one's potentiation. The trick is to not lose one's self in the process, which is what many/most other aspects of the work are geared toward in some capacity, but I digress.
>>4330
>>4332
His words mirror many my own, I see no fault

As a surprise addendum, a very "Applejack-esque" cowgirl Im aquainted with had this to say about the matter.
>Dont you dare let this break you. Dont you dare. You cant keep horses without losing them eventually. But not everyone who loses a horse internalizes it. Alot of them wouldn't obsess about what they did wrong, and alot of them wouldnt shed a tear in putting them down. Alot of them dont care. And there are alot of horses who need the love and affection you can give them. You know what you did wrong now so get up, dust yourself off, and get back in the saddle cuz theres alot of horses out there dying without knowing any human affection. She bonded to you in a week. I dont know many first-time horse owners who have managed that.
>pic related

>>4330
Long story short. Nutmeg.
>>4332
>Transparency
Perhaps, although not every glass is clear nor is all water either.
There is more than meets the eye, as usual.
Narcissism could be numbered against my long list but as of yet it isn't for it would be another labeled smear on the records, self obsession is common amongst the modern populace. Generosity is a rare commodity nowadays, unfortunately so.
>>4336
>Please elaborate
To phrase it abruptly, there are always going to be more dead horses. The desensitization of deceased domestic animals is hard to acquire if one's heart is ever too caring and sharing.
Elaborated accordingly.
>Yes, that was the day we brought her home.
Unaccustomed to the strange environment that appeared before her, she saw the flaws and manipulated them but had not anticipated the danger of the roaring roads.
>Im coming from the school where one doesnt fear the abyss
The fear of sadness, is but a phobia of depression.

We should have a thread for nice music.
There's a political music thread but I mean one specifically for this sort of thing https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_cLprhx7JE that just sounds nice. Based lyrics about a happy housewife being good to her ploughman, a cheerful tone, not a nigger to be heard, it's a traditional song advocating for traditionalism while sounding nice.

>>4340
We already have it.
Non political music goes here: >>>/sp/2487 →

>>4341
You're right, another thread specifically for that sort of music would be a bit much

>>4340
>>4341
>>4342
Who doesn't like a bit of Irish music every once in a while?

Life is pretty great all things considered. Should go out and experience it.
>Numbers Go Here
It's also in diminishing returns it's been a while. Running negative for myself due to a combination of outside circumstances. Having a dummy that goes on the same jig everytime gets old. Yet some amount of attention has to be there because it still is someone who'll ruin the fun and games.
I'll even play devil's advocate if I need to, to fill that spot.
>Numbers Go Here
Rules and regulations isn't the game here, the implied interests of Anons sure, it's getting up in the morning with a smile instead of a sigh and a slog.

>>4414
Dark and mysterious, numberless numbers. Who could possibly be the perpetrator of the posts?
Only time will tell in this thread of the damned!

>>4329
>>4339
Be killing your self. Anon did nothing wrong. He does not need you to be poisoning the well of his mind with unkind words. This is not friendship,Juden.
>>4336
>>4326
Do not letting him fuck with you anon. He is retard.

>>4418
But, I apprrciate his perspective. He's not wrong, nor was he any harsher on myself than Ive been. Its important to be brutally honest with yourself, ESPECIALLY when you fuck up. I know we're all on about ponies and shit, but sometimes you gotta be brutal; its not deviant to do so and I wouldnt tell him or anyone ITT (specifically) to kill themselves.

Perfectionism is a form of masturbation in which narcissistic faggots paralyze themselves with their fear of making mistakes and looking foolish, and then scare themselves into doing nothing besides saying "At least I'm not fucking up right now".
But they are fucking up. They're failing to reach their true potential, if they have any.

>>4420
fuck lmao didnt mean to send that

anyway whenever I feel that old sin creeping up on me, I shitpost. I produce some low-effort art and shit it into the world and I don't care who sees it. Sometimes I produce low-effort art for fun, not for therapy, so it wouldn't be right to say that's the only reason I make low-effort art in addition to high-effort art. Sometimes bad jokes don't need high quality art.

>>4418
>Be killing your self.
Seems literacy isn't your strong suit, fella, hehehe.
>Anon did nothing wrong.
And neither did Hitler.
>He does not need you to be poisoning the well of his mind with unkind words.
The harsh reality is something to not be scared of, as opposed to the sloth of a lazy life where death is a primary fear and effort is forgotten or disregarded entirely in feeble mindedness.
Telling someone upfront what their faults are is ego breaking and so is either accepted as criticism or an intimidation, not everyone is perfect but they can aspire to be better than to wallow in their own despair and pity. Surely you should understand the reasoning behind such directly worded merits, otherwise assuming you might not be so good at words, you may have misinterpreted my purposes and intentions.
>This is not friendship,Juden.
Then what is it nigger?
Adversarial rivalry? Harsh critique? Denouncing allies?

>He is retard.
Judging by your demeanor, you appear to be as thick as 3 bricks. Comprehension of the situation is a bit hard eh?
>>4419
>But, I apprrciate his perspective.
Thanks.
>He's not wrong, nor was he any harsher on myself than Ive been.
More often than most times, oneself can be the own worst enemy possible.
>Its important to be brutally honest with yourself, ESPECIALLY when you fuck up.
To live by denial of failure is to exist within the entrapment of egotistical self delusions, mistakes will be made but they can be corrected given enough time.
>I know we're all on about ponies and shit, but sometimes you gotta be brutal;
Practicality supersedes emotional morality. Death is a part of life, after all, we're all on our way there so we might as well make the most the most out of it whilst we're here instead of making matters worse for ourselves and others.
Ponies are something truly magical, indeed they are uniquely special.
>its not deviant to do so and I wouldnt tell him or anyone ITT (specifically) to kill themselves.
I personally agree with your statement, anon.

I don't enjoy anything anymore. I used to take a lot of enjoyment in pony and all of the shit surrounding it but it's kinda just become stale for me, I still enjoy it but the spark of discovering something new is dead. I try to distract myself with anything really, exercise, vidya, writing or whatever but nothing works. At the end of the day it all just seems completely pointless to even pay attention to or do at all.

Just in general I'm fucked up, for a lot of very deep-rooted reasons and they've warped me in ways I can't change even though I know it's wrong. If I were to talk about all of them I'd need a lot longer than 6000 characters as I typically don't talk about shit that bothers me or that has happened in my life. I learned not to a long time ago from lived experience - even though not doing so has gotten me in deep shit more than once. It's all I know.

My emotions wander from apathetic, to angry, to pissed off. I haven't truly been 'happy' in years now and I honestly can't remember what being happy felt like to begin with. I have a vague idea but can't quite really summon the words to describe it. I'm just a ball of apathy and anger towards certain (((people))), their enablers and whoever else is on my personal shit-list.

TL;DR
I'm dead inside.

>>4475
>I'm dead inside.
Not quite.
That foggy mind is sign of a idle poner.
A busy mind + a busy body is the ancient remedy for most ills.

>>4475
If you were truly dead inside you wouldn't see any reason to tell us about it. There's hope for you, lift weights to get your blood pumping and find a positive constructive hobby to enjoy/skill to learn.

>>4475
Why not be happy?
Go down into the hole of the dead be reborn by and against chaos to fight malevolence suffering greatly, yet pluvk out your remaining eye so the dead culture/traditions can finally see then rise together to rule together.
Be manifested as Both Watcher and All That Was for All That Is.
"You can rewire yourself quite completely by placing negative things in a positive context and the degree to which you can do that is quite remarkable." Jordan B. Peterson
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3n5qtj89QE

You will suffer, choose how.
There is one more aspect to the Watcher and the Old (yet now can see) They Live.
In the depths of the dead they have nothing to live for, that lies in the living. To climb out of the death you must live that is a journey. To Live is where Malevolence always prowls.

The Old has no eyes but it has power and is among the living. Malevolence will strike the Old at the best opportunity to fell it.
The one who comes forth from this has Eyes seeing the dead, the living, the Malevolence, the corruption, the scattered Old.

To transform and remake yourself is to kill who you were that's part of sacrifice. It's extremely painful in large chunks. A constant eating away and renewal is less so.
Distraction from what?
People need Purpose. That comes with Responsibilities and then the fruits of their labor.
You have to take and extract happiness whenever and where ever you can find it. The meaning though lasts longer and can fortify you in remembrance.

>>4475
On a far lesser scale years ago nothing was funny for me. Enjoyment denied. So I watched cartoons hoping for something that would light that inner spark.
Instead I found something mind numbing, in idiocy. It was stupid.
Despair, Anger, Resignation, Apathy, Curiosity, Testing, Application, Contentment.
Now that I'm me now I'd like to think I harnessed the infested Malevolence ('forcing' it to the edge) and the Old traditions by forcing them to see the dumb fuckery and the slightest silver lining.
That show wasn't My Little Pony.
One thing I've noticed of myself now-a-days is that raw primal monster unleashes the positive emotions in mania. Always there, just now it knows the wider world and of bigger fish. Of where it can tred with its leash and when. Then on the edge of that thin line it plays with devilish glee.
It knows who/what it could do, yet chained in such a way that it would rather rest than be a force to drive forward.
The only reason why is because I didn't see that before. That conceptulization to talk/communicate (First came the Word) and see.
You know as a childish kid I remember once when playing a game in school a thought occurred that if others got sick they wouldn't be able to play, that the temporary game (in this instance) is never worth the long term costs. That maybe incidentally at the time emulating a plague bearer was a fucking dumb idea.
Align your goals because they are one and the same what matters is how it's communicated across.

The inner monster understands it all but reveling in spite shrugging off the blows finishing it after the hunt (of which it's futile moments where filled with horror) is something it (at least mine) lives for. Living in joy and happiness and meaning will spite (((them))).
It's healthier which means you are more ready for the hunt which it will enjoy.
Your in a better mental state because being happy increases your intelligence and creativity, once it understands the implications that what you could have access to if properly cared for it will help you.
Your job is to hold those chains and the cage and awareness and the direction to be the leader and on the ground unit holding the thing which will and can destroy everything including yourself.
The inner monster concept of power is one of the languages it holds, so to emotions, and images, and words. Actions however is what it enjoys mentally or made manifest.
It can turn on you, but that's part of its charm.
The tarot Devil card holds chains, that is the improper order, yet many fall prey to that illness. You must hold those chains over it because that is its job, it's task, it's sole purpose to do as you command. It's always unequal of master to slave, but it revels in it either way.
It will exist inside of you. (The Jungian Shadow, the Monster, why? A singular part (of the HERO) to get and survive the chaos to get the treasures!)
Like the immune system it can fuck you up hard if it thinks you're the enemy, in its proper functions invaders die and you are more than well. To destroy.

You also need the regenerative aspect to tend and heal to gather and place things into categories or boxes or baskets. To create.
The limits placed on the monster which is yourself defines an operating area for which the 'inner' area of that 'civil' operation can create freely barring snakes lurking (which the monster can hunt).
See what awakens the vicious grin and ask why. It'll be informative.
The wolves you feed will be the ones who win.
Remember these five. Vampire, Werewolf, Billionaire, Pirate, Surgeon.
Your goal is to master the set that enables to win every set ever afterwards.

So actually feeling happy see what flickers the tiny titillation. Like fire it needs fuel, air and heat. When all is right it bursts forth like over filling cups if that is what you let it do.
Change is painful inherently because you burn who and what you were. Killing neural connections and forging new ones.
Faking it till you make it is possible, because everything has to start somewhere. Keeping in mind what really matters to you.

Hey is that Omori fan still here?
He'd probably like this https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=GnjcRQI6a6Q

>Be me
>It Christmas! All the Christmas things are doing all the things!
>Younger brother gibes gift, Jordan Peterson: 12 Rules
>knows I liek cuz I keep telling him
>literally audio-book chapters while we're driving
>want him to clean his room
I know Im being a sperg about this and I appreciate its an opportunity to further our relationship, and thats probably the real intent behind the gift.
I also appreciate that he's listening.
This post is merely to satisfy the frustration I felt in not being able to hand it back and say "No, you read it."

I fucking hate non-castizo spics

>>4641
You can talk to him about it after listening to an audiobook of it in the car together, get him to understand what's in the book and how he can apply it to his life.

I did my absolute best, i've tried everything, i've abandoned everything i ever enjoyed, and it might not be enough, not even close.
But i am not worried, i do not feel concerned nor nervious, why should i?, a man can only do its best.
For a while now, i've decided not to worry anymore, even if i could end up dying all alone in a shithole town, what gives?, just do your best, give it your best try and never give up, you may always think you could have done something better, but things are easy to spot in hindsight, learn from it and improve, but don't be too harsh on yourself, simply do your absolute best, and make sure you can't blame yourself, at least because you didn't tried hard enough.

Gnight poners, see you on the other side

>>5070
See you when you wake. Ensure you have some care for yourself as well, and that can be a tall order at times. It's important though.

I rented a small upstairs apartment with no ac years ago and I had to cool it down with a window fan. Y'know, the kind with two fans in the frame; one blew air outwards while the other blew inwards.
My bed was next to that window and I would try to aim my nut at the exhaust fan, hoping that it would spray a foul mist of hot cum into the alleyway and onto the trees out there.
I only stopped after accidentally nailing the bull dyke that lived downstairs as she walked her dog. I had no idea she was down there in the alley and she couldn't have heard me fap over the sound of my music and the fans. I heard her loudly say "what the fuck" as I quickly got up to take a shower. I peaked out my blinds and saw her draw her hand to her forehead at the base of her hairline in confusion. I just took a shower and hoped to God my secret cum technique had not been discovered. I never meant to hit anyone.
Our apartment complex had a shared laundromat and she was still friendly and never said anything when we crossed paths, but she started to give me weird looks of contemplation. I still wonder if she ever figured out about the accidental aerial facial she received.
I've never told anyone about this since it's so embarrassing.

>>5073
>Nutting on a dyke
That's based dude. nothing to be embarrassed about.

>>5073
Stealth of 100, she never knew what hit her.
Once a few years ago there was a cat in my garden at night and because my bedroom is above it and i sometimes took a piss out of my window since it was more fun than doing it in the toilet, i decided it would be perfect to do a golden shower on a pussy. The feline was situated below my window at a angle that couldn't be better and it had no idea what warm waterfalls would be unleashed upon it or that i was looming ominously a few metres above it, ready to rain hell down onto the nocturnal predator, i began the assault of urine on the cat and immediately it screamed in utter shock as well as terror then bolted off into the darkness while i continued my stream. I don't know if the owner might have smelled my piss off of it the next day but then again i don't really care.