Reposting my text from the previous thread for consistency.
Chapter One: Why is there a Time Portal in the Backyard?
The text starts off with a long portion of italicized text, that appears to be a prologue and/or framing device, probably set after the events of the story we're about to read. It's easier if I just paste some of it in:
>"Well, I have the first chapter done," the lavender alicorn pony sighed. "I'm still not sure why you picked me to write this, Scoot."
>"You're the best writer I know, you're good at research and you're unbiased. I trust you to tell people the real story, not the sugar-sweet censored-up thing everyone in two different worlds expects." The orange pegasus smiled. "Also, you write faster than anyone else I know and the advance from the publishing company is enough to live on while you wait for your fellowship to start. Even guest professors need to publish something."
>"Publish or perish, yes. It's partly what left Starswirl the Bearded to languish in obscurity for so many years. If he had just thought to hire a proofreader…"
We are literally three paragraphs into the text, and I already hate the dialogue in this as much as I hate Hell, all Montagues, and OP.
Anyway, holy jeez; this shit just keeps going and going. I can already tell this one is going to be an...interesting experience.
On some level I have to say I'm a little impressed. Most of the authors we've looked at have managed to rein in the severe autism for at least a couple of pages. Past Sins, for instance, I remember actually having a pretty well written opening scene, and the rest of them managed to at least fool me into thinking the book might not be absolutely terrible for at least a chapter or two. This one, however, is just insane, babbling autism right out of the gate. I don't even know what the hell I'm reading here.
As far as I can tell, what we are witnessing is a conversation between Twilight Sparkle and (a possibly older) Scootaloo. There appears to be some sort of connection between Equestria and the human world; as far as I can tell, both Scoot and Twilight reside here, and Twilight appears to be a professor or something. Again, the autism pretty much fires off a mile a minute here, so it's hard to tell exactly what the fuck they are talking about. However, I think the basic gist of it is that Scootaloo is asking Twilight to ghost-write her autobiography, or something like that.
I'm not even going to attempt to do a detailed summary of all of this, but here is a brief summation of what we learn (or can infer) from the prologue:
>Scootaloo appears to be adopted, and her adoptive father is an engineer of some kind
>her adoptive parents appear to be human (this is partly inferred from what I already know about this story's premise)
>Pinkie Pie has written a cookbook that is apparently giving JK Rowling a run for her money on the bestseller list
>Rarity is now a "gay icon" (not making this up), and there is a hit broadway musical about her
>Applejack is some kind of venture capitalist or something; apparently she sells brand-name cider or something
>Rainbow Dash has entered into some sort of unholy partnership with Gatorade
>for some bizarre reason, the ponies now celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, and Hearth's Warming
Anyway, apart from this, the main thing I would like to call attention to is that the dialogue in this is fucking atrocious. Anyone already familiar with either of these characters will immediately note that they don't sound even remotely like themselves; everyone else will simply note that they don't sound like anybody else, either. This isn't a conversation that would ever take place between anyone, either human or equine; this is a massive expository infodump about characters we haven't met thinly veiled as conversation.
ANYWAY, after this, there is a page break, and the story proper begins. The implication seems to be that the text we are about to read was written by Twilight.
The story opens with yet another massive infodump, this one about the David character who was referenced in the prologue:
>David Jayne Martin had grown up in a God-fearing family, attended church and even at a young age, wanted to know all about how things worked. When he worked on machines and computers things worked out well, and at a young age he earned the reputation as the go to kid for any and all computer problems.
The phrase "at a young age" appears twice in succession and feels redundant.
Anyway, we learn that David (presumably human), is a thoroughly dull, cookie-cutter urban liberal with a pretty standard backstory. In all likelihood, he is a thinly-veiled self-insert for one or both of the authors (this appears to have been co-written by two people). To save time, I'll sum him up neatly:
David Jayne Martin was a bright, curious lad with a predilection for science, who is also gay. He was raised in a conservative Christian family, with all of the usual baggage that sort of thing entails for this sort of person. His parents sent him to a private Christian school, where he got good grades, but he soon realized he wasn't like the other boys and blah blah blah; all of that shit. He then grew up, enrolled in a more liberal college that his parents disapproved of, explored his gay side, and blah blah blah; all of that shit. Eventually he met another faggot, and they fell in love.
We are now given the other faggot's extensive backstory, which I will cover in my next post.