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Writefag Support Circle: A Gathering of Based Gentlemen Who Smoke Pipes.
Anonymous
78d7e52
?
No.336928
336929 336941 336955 337011 338530 357376
Hello. This is the second thread of the writefag circle, here: >>299458 →

Basically all that is said in that OP applies to this one but I'll go through the 'rules' of this thread here as well.

So, the main point of this thread is to facilitate and enable Anons' writefagging; in a similar way pride facilitates and enables aids.;^P The Anons in this thread can be seperated into two camps: Anons who wants help with their writing project(s) and Anons that feel inclined to help those aforementioned shrek-colored skinheads.

Crafting and beta-reading is what we do here, any critique of literature not made by a guy submitted for this thread should be incidental; it should be when you —as a beta-reader of fics posted ITT— make a comparision between the fic your reviewing and some other story for the sake of demonstrating your point, whatever it is.

This is NOT: A review thread for unsolicited rants about random media which does not fall into the mold for how to use a refrence in this thread described in the above paragraph. Meaning if you're not using —like, let's pick something arbitrary— Naruto for a comparision in your critique of someone's writing itt, then don't bring it up. I understand that tangents can happen and if it's like a few exchanges with a pair of posters; then it's fine. However, don't make this a pattern and also move whatever off-thread-topic discussion to a more fitting board/thread. There's after all no problem with finding someone to converse with and share perspectives on a subject you care about but just take it to an appropriate thread. Sidenote: Nigel, these rules applies to you in a stricter fashion because I would not have to detail them with this much precision if it weren't for you.

I hope that I haven't scared anybody off. This is still suppose to be a chill af thread. Funposting is very much allowed and encouraged. It really is more that some type of posting —like, things that are completely irrelevant to the thread— does not belong here. I know, rocket-science and a rule that is seldom seen and highly unique for this thread. Perhaps you could call it a... Novelty. (You) intelligent lurker, obviously get the subtext of this OP so you probably won't need to worry about any of this. I'd say if you're unsure if what you're about to post belongs in the thread, then post it anyway. The worst that can happen is that someone tells you to move it to another thread and you get a better insight of what post belongs in thread. If you consist on fish and chips, however, I'd sugguest you think twice on what you're posting and perhaps even ask beforehand if your rant about lefties and Undertale belongs here.

If there are any questions on the OP, ask away?
631 replies and 145 files omitted.
Anonymous
a11ad37
?
No.355708
355709 355712
>>355675
So GG it's done.

Can you copy paste this and put it on an hackmd note like the one you did for your nyx story. I don't know how to make it like that with the chapters but it would be a fitting format.
Below is Chapter 1.

A whistle sounded. On a podium stood a biege mare with a pink and blue mane and tail. Her eyes were obscured by black sunglasses. She looked tough.

A row of eight fillies set off along each other on a obstacle course. They crawled under barbed-wire, climbed a wall with a rope, balanced over a small drop on a pole, and swam across a pool.

Among them was green earth pony filly. Her eyes shone a sharp emerald sheen. Her mane and tail were black and had no style to them. They were simply combed and nothing more. She was lithe like gymnast but strong like young bull. Her muscles took up little volume on her boyd but what was there was visibly defined.

She was in the middle of the pack during the obstacle course. She caught glimpses of how the others were ahead. Only one other earth pony was ahead of her, the rest were unicorns or pegasi. They uses their magic respectively wings to aid them in the obstacle course. Sometimes it help a lot, like flying over wall, yeah, it really wasn't fair. But life wasn't fair, as the green filly's mentor and gurdian liked to remind her of. She threw a glance at the mare in the sunglasses. She didn't want to fail here.

It's my whole that matters. Remember, capitalize on your strengths, compensate for your weaknesses. I will get my chance. All I gotta do is wait. The green filly thought to herself as she dove into the pool.

The filly jumped up on the otherside of the pool after some powerful butterfly strokes. She shook of the water on her body.

In front of her was and intructor, mare with military face paint on her. She was a unicorn. She regarded the filly cooly. The filly peeked over onto the other tracks. About half of the fillies that had been ahead of her had been apprehended.

She wasn't suppose to fight the mare just pass her beyond a drawn red line ahead.

The mare didn't move from her spot, instead she just regarded her.

The green filly tilted her head one side then the next followed by two succint cracks. She need stop here, despite being on a timer because a screw up here and it was all over.

Like a spider disappearing back into it's web's safest part when one got to close, the filly almost disappeared as she took off. But the intructor was ready.

She fainted right but then went left. The instructor didn't buy the faint completely but she was still too late. Her hooves hugged air as she just missed the filly.

The filly saw the red line and momentarily slowed down as she realized that she would make it only to mentally chastize herself for it.

I't ain't over until Celestia sings.

And it sure wasn't. She felt her hindlegs get pull into the air along with her tail. Soon her entire body was airborne and engulfed in a magical aura.

Of course, since she was a unicorn why wouldn't she use that to her advantage. She was pulled close to the unicorn again. The filly, however, had been taught in how to break both physical as mental spells.

She began to flail her hooves, twist, and struggle with her body against the magic hold on her. Trying to find the weakpoint in her aura. There were always one point that a unicorn couldn't focus on. Suddenly, the hold on her front half broke through and with the sudden counted twisting momentum, the rest of her body followed.

The filly fell onto the ground in a heap with a thud but she popped back up on her hooves again. She took a quick peek back at the instructor. As suspected, her twisting free from her aura had caused the instructor to put a hoof to her forehead in pain. The filly knew though that this was only temporary so she reached out to finish her with a knockout punch. She held her hoof up for a chop near her near her neck and... She just hung there. Her eyes widen and immidately turned to run. She could feel the magic tug on her tail but the unicorn didn't get a good enough grasp on her before she passed the redline after which she let go completely.
Anonymous
a11ad37
?
No.355709
355710
>>355708
She continued to run. She passed through more obstacles, such as running through a parkour course, but also puzzles she needed to solve to continue, like a bomb-diffusion.

She had know there were two fillies ahead of her, one pegasus and one unicorn but it was after she diffused the fake magic explosive obelisk, she actually saw their backs again.

They were carrying a mare, another stoic instrutor, across a muddy field. The pegasus struggled as she flew her strok style as the mare hung from some kind of rope contraption. The filly realized that she must have undone the knot that held the rope for the wall in the begining of the course and took it with her because it was the same kind of rope. There was nothing in the rules that said you couldn't use that but she had been lucky that she got use for it, well whatever. The unicorn levitated the mare as the waded through the mud.

This is it. My chance!

She ran up to her mare. Saw her ”damaged” hoof and bandaged it up with the medical supplies that where there. Then dragged the mare that was probably around twice her weight onto herself.

Oh, wow. She heavy af.

The filly was mored tired then she had thought and the mare had been heavy to her regardless. She exhaled heavily but then shook her head. Determination shone in her beaitiful emerald orbs.

She took one step and then another after a few, they just kept comming. She began trotting, then the mud came each step was even more painful then before.

After a third way in, she realized that she had to pace herself. Her muscles were burning and despite her copious breaths, she couldn't replace the oxygen in her lungs fast enough.

The others had about a third left but she had to wait a pit more before she went all out. She had that in her but she had to reach her target otherwise it was pointless.

Wait for it.

She had a better pace then the two ahead. The pegasus had fallen behind the unicorn because she couldn't fly the mare further was now dragging her behind her with the rope. This also meant that the unicorn wasn't pushed to her at the end. The unicorn had the end just ahead of her and at this point anyone couldn't be faulted for wanting to take some rest.

The green filly knew this and knew that this was the moment to use hundred percent of her power!!!

”Aaaarrgggghhhh!!!” she screamed and then started galloping.

All things around her disappeared as she as each hoof felt like they were on fire but she keept moving them forward and back. She didn't let up. Dirt was kicked up in her wake.

The unicorn had reacted to her scream probably surprised that there were somepony else with her at home stretch other than the pegasus.

She began to run as well but the green filly overtook her soon just at the finish line at the end of the muddy field.

The filly collapsed, completely spent, and just tipped the mare off her. She was inhaling and exhaling into the grass.

”I won...” she whispered to herself.

Later that evening, the green filly was laying in the shower of her home, or her guardian's home. After making her presentable, grabbing a package of mild from the fridge, wrestling out of the gripp of her gurdian's roommate, the human enthusiast Lyra Heartstrings, she entered her guardian's office.

She almost stood attention at her guardian's desk but she reminded herself that at home she wasn't her drill sergeant. So instead she slouched in an armchair.

”Sup Mom,” she called and waved at the beige mare with mane and tail split between blue and pink. ”Anonymous Filly reporting in for duty.”

Bon Bon or special agent Sweetie Drops did not looked pleased.

”Nonny, how many times do I have to tell you, sit up-right. Don't force me to use my inner drill sergeant at home.”

Anon grinned.

”Try me old mare.”

She took off her sunglasses she had worn all day and glared at the filly. Then she ”tch” with her tongue and let it slid.

”Are you gonna make me regret recomanding you to a mission of top national security?”

Anon instantly sat up in her chair. ”I got a mission?”
Anonymous
a11ad37
?
No.355710
7D3F9F247073B5DE6C64FD8214803142-48206.png
3132594__safe_artist-colon-menalia_derpibooru+import_bon+bon_sweetie+drops_earth+pony_pony_agent_alternate+hairstyle_clothes_danganronpa_gloves_looking+at+somet.png
2386315__safe_artist-colon-flutterthrash_princess+flurry+heart_sweetie+belle_alicorn_pony_unicorn_bullet+belt_collar_dialogue_duo_female_mare_metal+belle_older_.jpg
>>355709
”Yes, you passed the exam today and you're now a junior S.M.I.L.E. Agent.”

Anon's eyes were wide in shock.

”Wow. I thought I passed but I never really thought...” She shook her head. ”Uh... What will I be doing exactly?”

Bon Bon regarded the filly. ”We have reasons to believe that Princess Flurry Heart is in danger. We have chosen that the best course of action is to asign her a personal bodyguard to be present in all her daily buisness.”

”The filly princess...” Anon was trying to take it all in. ”She is about my age, right?”

”Yes, in fact, you're the same age so the agency thought it suited to have you join her class as well so you're moving for the Crystal Empire for as long as the agency thinks the threat remains.”

”And- You think that I'm ready for this?” Anon asked nervously.

”Are you?” Bon Bon gave her a sceptical look.

Anon sat there and pondered for a moment. She had passed the exams. She was a junior s.m.i.l.e. Agent. Being the sameage as her client would probably made it so that it wouldn't be obvious that she was a bodyguard but just appeared like another friend to the princess. It could be a very easy and calm job that would be great for her resume later.

She came to a decision. She nodded.

”Yes, I think I am. Thanks, mom for giving me this opportunity.”

Bon Bon nodded.

”My recomandation wouldn't meant squack if you hadn't proven yourself today. But this is good, then I'll inform Princess Celestia of this matter so it can become 'offical'.”

Bon Bon started to sign some papers with a pencil in her mouth before she turned the papers over and slid them over to Anon.

She did a motion towards the papers and gave Anon a look that said, 'sign here'.

As Anon wrote, Bon Bon continue to speak, ”The instructors were impressed by the way, however, one brought up something. Appearently, you hadn't delievered a knock out hit when you could.”

Anon stood her mouth writing and looked up. Bon Bon grasped Anon's cheeks with her hooves. She gave her soft look for the first time since she entered the room.

”Your still soft, Nonny. In this business there will be times when you face real threats that that kind of hesitation or avoidance will get you or others killed. It's a beautiful gift but sometimes you need to be cold. Do you understand?”

Anon looked embarrassed. She nodded and looked away.

”Yes, I do mother.”

Princess Flurry Heart was shredding her electic guitar and the amplifier was trying to destory a nearby window in her room. Her mane was done in traditional hair-rock style. Her ears were piersed with skulls. She had thick black eyeliner around her eyes. Around her neck she wore a spiked collar.

She bagan to scream into a nearby microphone and then started to growl some magical curses without casting them, of course.

A loud banging came from her door as she was banging her head.

”Flurry!”

She shut her eyes, trying to ignore the pony banging on the door.

”Not now I'm in the zone, the Tarturus Zone!” she screamed to wards the door.

Tarturus Zone was the name of her band.

”Lower the volume!”

She tried to ignore the voice at the door started to flick the strings of her guitar like she flicks her bean to her hot magic teacher Sunburst.

More loud banging came from the door.

”SHUT IT OFF NOW!”

She shut her eyes as a vein pulsed in her forehead. With her magic, she shut the amplifier off.

”Thanks you,” somepony said sarcastically from the other side of the door.

Flurry rolled her eyes. Gently placed her guitar on the floor before moving over to her mirror. She felt a bit emo after being told not play anymore, or lower the volume, same difference. She decided to wipe of her red lipstick that she had drawn to make it look like blood running down at the corners of her mouth on her pale face. Instead she put on purple lipstick one and planted a big kiss on the mirror, imagining Sunburst while she did so.

Looking good, Fury.

Fury was her artist name. She was a tough filly.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355711
355731 355734 355975
>>355681
>>355683
>>355700
Thanks. So long as I can say I one-upped a guy using an even stupider character than the one he came up with, I think I can call the project a success.

Also, here's the rest of what I've written so far; hackmd has some kind of character limit or something.

https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/ryLqti3Ho
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355712
355713 355715 355719
>>355708

Here it is:

https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/SyZdTa3rj

There actually isn't a way to create separate documents as chapters, but if you type the chapter titles in this format:

# Chapter Title

Where it starts with a pound sign followed by a space followed by the title, that's how it splits into sections. However, there seems to be a length limit on these notes, so my guess is we're going to run out of space eventually. That isn't a huge deal though, it just means we'll have to create a new note once we hit the limit.

However, I can't figure out how to add another person as collaborator, how did you do that exactly?
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355713
355719
>>355712
Anyway, I will probably start working on it tomorrow night.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355715
>>355712
Have you considered using Parsec? It's intended for making local co op multiplayer games online but if you two screenshare and connect his keyboard to your PC you can both type the story together on the same word document. Does it still let you classify apps like Open Office as games?
Anonymous
776b021
?
No.355719
355721
>>355712
>However, I can't figure out how to add another person as collaborator, how did you do that exactly?
The images I attached will show you the way.
># Chapter Title
>Where it starts with a pound sign followed by a space followed by the title, that's how it splits into sections.
Huh, now I know. thanks
>>355713
Thanks for the sugguestion. I guess if GG likes it I can be up for it but it seems a bit overkill for what where doing.
>>355713
Yeah, perfect. No, rush as you say.
Anonymous
776b021
?
No.355721
355763
Click Share .png
Click the blue more (comment, invitee).png
After this you decide the amount of access the person will have.png
>>355719
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355730
>be deleting old emails
>find faggy emails from former friend who went full libtard
Jesus, I'd forgotten all about this guy. But this is everything wrong with the liberal mindset right here. Lying, gaslighting, bargaining, pleading, reality denial, suicide threats, appeals to authority, appeals to force, support for authoritarianism originating from his dysgenic weakness, sending dick pics to his discord daddy who owns the server he invited you into so you can be censored while the faggot gloats, this pathetic male prostitute girlyboy is so stupid and corrupt and pathetic...

So cartoonishly unrealistically fucking awful...

I bet if I immortalized him in my fiction I'd have to tone down his faggotry so people would believe someone like this could exist. And I was still optimistic about politics back when I knew him so I was trying to reason with him and explain why he's wrong in the real world and in the world of fiction. That furfag wants law abiding good people disarmed and helpless to defend themselves. If he was part animal in a world of animal people he'd be part of an evil cult that wants carnivores drugged or surgically defanged and declawed and also disarmed. Faggot just didn't care.

I think I should put a faggot inspired by that faggot into my political story to be wrong about everything and say all the gay shit he said, completing the circle. He always felt like he emerged from a political cartoon meant to mock him. A living soy wojack in the flesh. But I don't want to use his real name or any of his real physical traits in his design. I'm not making this to insult individuals, I'm making this to explore ideas. He is the end of the exploration of leftist failure. The genetic failure, the lying abusive "friend", the sickening rot that smiles as it backstabs you, lies as it seeks to remove your rights, and cries out in pain as it strikes you
Anonymous
acfc805
?
No.355731
355737 355763
>>355675
>>355711
Funny shit, Glim. Also, I'd dick Pyx.
Anonymous
776b021
?
No.355734
355763
>>355711
Btw, are you rreading through your own review of the story before you write the representing chapter as to remind yourself with what you had a problem with the story with?
Anonymous
776b021
?
No.355737
>>355731
Yeah, but would you not dick any pony?
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355757
355763
Glim, why does Pyx talk like a weeb?

Is it commentary on the artificial insufferably "cutesy" nature of waifubait and daughterubait characters like this one?
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355763
355764 355767 355768 355838
>>355721
Alright, should be set up for you. I'm assuming you're Nairobi; otherwise I just gave write access to some random person. I didn't end up doing anything on it last night, but I will get started writing my chapter very soon.

>>355731
>dick-pyx
heh

>>355734
The way I've been doing it is this:

I keep a tab open with my original archived review thread for Past Sins, because there were some specific notes I made about directions I thought the story could have gone that might have improved it. I also have the original text and a plot synopsis I found on some other site, an MLP fan-project wiki. I'm mostly using the plot synopsis as a broad outline for major events, and I also periodically reference the original story to compare what I'm doing to what Pen Stroke did originally. And again, I do check my own review thread from time to time as well, because I remember I had some ideas in there that I didn't think were half-bad. For instance the scene where Twilight tries to give Pyx a bath and she goes on a rampage was based on something I came up with during that review, that I remember thinking would have made the original bath scene less dull.

>>355757
>Glim, why does Pyx talk like a weeb?
Honestly, it's mostly for giggles. One of the things I remember from reviewing Past Sins is that it reminded me of an anime plot along the lines of Chobits, where the main character randomly finds a girl in some strange location and she has no memory. The character then takes her in, and in the early part of the story has to teach her a lot of basic things about day to day interaction with the world, so initially the MC takes on sort of an adoptive parent/older sibling type role. You probably could interpret Pyx as commentary on that sort of character, though I'm thinking of it more as just me good-naturedly poking fun at the concept. In addition to having amnesia at the beginning of the story and needing to be taken care of by the MC, the girl character in those stories is usually also some kind of high-powered magical or scientific anomaly, and usually there is some kind of government or corporate entity after her. The premise of Past Sins struck me as very similar.

The part where Twilight finds the filly and all she can say is "Pyx" is a direct reference to Chobits; in that story, when the guy finds the girl, the only thing she can say is "Chi" so that becomes her name. There's another anime called DearS that has the same setup: guy finds an alien girl, all she can say is "Ren," so he names her Ren. There are some others that are like this, too. In all of these stories, the girl character is suffering from some form of amnesia that limits her speech initially, but she conveniently remembers how to talk by the second or third episode. In mine, the same thing happens: Pyx can initially only say her name, then she just starts randomly speaking perfect English the next day and nobody really comments on it.

The rest of Pyx's catch phrases are all well-known anime girl catch phrases. "Nipah" is the catch phrase of a girl name Rika Furude in Higurashi When They Cry, and "Tutturu" is the catch phrase of Mayushi from Stein's Gate. "Desu" of course is from that one girl from Rozen Maiden, whose actual name I can't recall because 4chan has permanently imprinted "Desu" on my brain as her name. If I can remember any others I will probably add them to her vocabulary. The way I set it up, she basically picks up more and more weeb-isms as the story progresses: initially all she can say is "Pyx," then for no reason she starts saying "Nipah," then "Tutturu," then "desu," etc. There isn't really any deep reason for her to be doing this, and it makes no sense in-world; the idea I guess is just to emphasize that she's a ridiculous character and nothing in this story is meant to be taken all that seriously.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHuqS8ej6fI
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22IWi21lwok
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355764
355766
>>355763
Cool! Do you think naming a girl after the only sound she can make was inspired by Pokemon ("Pikachu pi!") or something older than that? Now that I think about it anime romances start with naming and adopting an amnesiac girl are surprisingly common.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355766
355769
>>355764
It's actually a pretty common Japanese thing from what I understand, they've been doing characters like that forever. Same thing with cutesy characters who have some nonsensical catch phrase that they repeat. Oldest instance I can think of are the Moogles in the old Final Fantasy games saying "kupo." I'm not sure where the idea originates from or if it even has an origin point, but it's definitely pretty well ingrained into Japanese pop culture.
Anonymous
33db097
?
No.355767
355787
>>355763
>I just gave write access to some random person.
You totally did. My username is Krython Ossban. It's the name of an oc to a star wars fanfic that I have on the backburner. At the time, I had just come up with the name and thought, I might as well call my account that.
Anonymous
33db097
?
No.355768
>>355763
<dick-pyx
>heh
Yeah, I didn't catch that at first but yeah that's funny.
Anonymous
33db097
?
No.355769
355787
>>355766
I like that you have ponies react to character schticks that in "normal" media no one reacts. Like Pyx saying "Tutturu" and other such catchphrases but instead of characters acting like nothing weird happened In fairness characters probably did so in Stein's Gate as well since it is a very meta-aware show they ask, "What does Nipah means." That scene with the cmc was great and lovely btw.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355787
355788 355789
>>355767
Well, shit.

I couldn't remember what your user name was and unfortunately HackMD doesn't show the usernames of collaborators who aren't online, so I just guessed and assumed the other name in the screenshot was you. Oh well, whoever that guy was he didn't do anything to our document that I can see. Anyway, you should hopefully be added as a writer now.

I'm currently working on it offline, I will upload my part to the document as soon as it's ready.

>>355769
>That scene with the cmc was great and lovely btw.
Thank you, I rather enjoyed writing that one.
Anonymous
817b772
?
No.355788
>>355787
>I'm currently working on it offline, I will upload my part to the
Nice.
Anonymous
817b772
?
No.355789
>>355787
Yes, I can change it as well.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355794
355795
__shadow_the_hedgehog_and_cream_the_rabbit_sonic_drawn_by_kiikoi11__sample-3039f40303200e91c476f145eab66826.jpg
Shadow the Hedgehog has a ridiculously dark and edgy story for what used to be a brightly coloured series where a looney tunes cereal mascot rolls around smashing robots and fighting a fat russian with a disposable slave army to save the environment.

Shadow's story has got AIDS, a dead little girl, UN massacred space colonist families aboard the death star, government coverups, and a grumpy hedgehog with a motorcycle and gun.

Do you think a sonic reboot should try to "reinvent that wheel" and rework Shadow to fit the series's tone better or say "fuck it" and leave everything as it is despite completely reworking Blaze and 06 and Elise?

Shadow could still be artificially made in a lab, forced to fight in a testing facility, befriend artificial hedgehog Maria, fight for them to escape only for her to sacrifice herself to save him at the last second, it could still work without needing to be so... overly extreme.

With this reboot concept I'm shooting for extreme sports, not extreme edge.
Anonymous
817b772
?
No.355795
355796
>>355794
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ol3R4DacE2I&ab_channel=2Snacks
This?
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355796
toot toot sonic justice warrior.png
>>355795
Yeah, that's the guy. Edgy the Hedgy. Gunshot sounds in the menu, lines like "This is like taking candy from a baby, which is fine by me!", it's the game Shadow deserved for being early 2000s edge personified. It's impossible to tell if they were taking the piss or not with this one because they did 06 unironically. 06 tried giving Sonic and a human girl a romance arc, then said "wait shit humans can't go fast like hedgehogs. Let's give her powers or cyber enhancements. Lmao just kidding that would make too much sense. Let's have her get kidnapped and saved 5 times between cutscenes, and do a level where Sonic's slowed down because he's carrying her like a sack of potatoes."

Labrys, that robot chick with the big axe and Brooklyn accent from Persona 4 Arena, her backstory's pretty dark and tragic but it doesn't feel as out of place as Shadow's does in his world. More importantly it doesn't cast a dark shadow over the entire franchise by blaming all of humanity for the fucked up shit that led to one character being the way that character is.

That "Shadow and Maria were cloned, forced to fight other hedgehog clones, they escaped and she died getting him out" story keeps the major beats of Shadow's backstory while dropping everything extreme like The ARK, AIDS, Eggman's grandfather and Littlest Cancer Patient sister nobody ever knew about, GUN, all of that extra stuff the Sonic franchise is extremely disinterested in ever thinking about again. Hell, come to think of it, Shadow and Maria don't even have to be artificial, though if they were orphans kidnapped by an evil corporation or corrupt govt organization that would be darker.

GUN could have been one evil company, maybe a PMC working for the government, instead of the globalist police force of a retardedly united humanity. Eggman or an underling of his or a rival of his could have made Shadow, this didn't have to involve a 50 year govt coverup where they sent the UN to massacre everyone including a little ill girl and all the innocent scientists on board and all of their family members on board just because humanity became afraid of Gerald and the Super Hedgehog he created to somehow cure his granddaughter's AIDS(is his immortal blood some kind of ingredient for a miracle cure?). SA2 had this scene where Gerald Robotnik's on every screen ranting at human as he crashes his Space Colony ARK to earth with no survivors, and we see ugly CGI humans reacting to this news. Earth cities, not futuristic or Eggman-style cities. No scene with furries reacting. No wonder Sonic X chose to interpret the sudden shift of "There's one human, Eggman, on a planet of furries" to "Humans, humans everywhere and like 30 anthros" as Sonic and friends literally getting teleported to Earth from Mobius so Sonic Adventure 1 and 2 could happen.

Shadow, Rouge the former govt spy who infiltrated Eggman's team only for him to leave her behind on Prison Island and nearly blown up only to be saved by Shadow, and E123 Omega the funny robot pissed at Eggman for locking him in a room to guard a trapped Shadow for a while... None of these three characters have any reason to loyally serve GUN. But when they are depicted, they're usually serving GUN, and they've never established why any of these characters would want to work with GUN or for GUN as far as I'm aware.
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.355838
355844
>>355596
The Camp of the Saints is subtle compared to this. When you write a story with a message, you really want to make the reader feel the same way you do so there's a temptation to ham it up to make it unambiguous. However, when you do so you run the risk of bathos or ridiculousness, even if your writing quality is otherwise good. It's actually a major reason as to why modern media objectively sucks, because whereas liberals of the past knew how to compose a realistic story that resonated with people, current year ones are so indoctrinated they cannot understand nuance and so push a constant left-wing message.

For something like this, I recommend environment-building events that are mostly in the background but affect the protagonist's way of life, a single traumatizing event (or maybe two) that seriously affects how he functions, and his struggle to overcome that and achieve a higher purpose. The Kite Flyer is a repugnant book written by a faggot author, but it follows this formula effectively (it's about a pampered kid who lets his most loyal friend get ass-raped and only semi-successfully making amends for it years later). 1984 has multiple instances of rising events shaping Winston: Writing in his diary, banging his lover, getting SWATted, giving in to torture, and although Orwell's most famous work is overrated imo, it does show fear, paranoia and rebellion at each step.

I recommend Castles of Vapor as a strong example of how to write a story condemning and satirizing modern society (it's set in Seattle) without going overboard and being hijacked by the message. Or you could go the Jonathan Swift route and have over-your-head satire but in a ridiculous world that is entertaining to read. But do keep in mind the last two books of Gulliver's Travels are more polemical and less widely read. It just occurred to me that Book IV could be the world's first HiE story and that's amusing to me.

You can and probably should depict your former friend as he is nearly exactly (aside from name and physical features), because real things you've witnessed are the easiest to write about, but you exercise judgement on what else you want to incorporate.

>>355675
Kek, this is actually better than what I expected.

>>355763
lol weeb That's a clever satire of that sort of anime, and including references to multiple example serves to round it out.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355844
>>355838
I'm assuming this isn't subtle enough.
>My birth parents and siblings got killed by the govt or communists who raided our farm, only my adorable little sister and I survived, now I live with two adopted parents, a soft dumbass libtard woman the left will happily betray without a second thought and probably rape, also she is married to a cuckservative weak infertile man who day drinks and grumbles and whines ineffectively and never shuts up about how anyome more conservative than him is too extreme and "WHEN III WAS A BOY I SHOVELED SHIT IN STABLES FOR 2 DOLLARS AN HOUR" even though thanks to inflation 2 dollars from his childhood is worth 15 dollars now and I, an overworked construction site labourer, get paid far less than 15 dollars an hour.
>also my protagonist saves a rich girl from being gang raped by orcs by killing them all and their romance arc lets me explore parts of society he would never be allowed into without her and she gradually gets more based while he gradually becomes less introverted and cripplingly depressed over the state of the world

I was thinking these dumb boomer adoptive parents could be a good way to explore the failures of soft cuckservativism and soft libtardism, how the left eats their own and eats soft cuckservatives alive for conserving nothing, and how there's nothing noble about the "moderation" those narcissistic dumbasses displayed when they wore political ideas they didnt truly understand or believe in like fashionable hats. I could never marry a libtard but boomer cuckservatives could because they never really believed in anything but themselves.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355847
A lot of what I wrote is shaped by reactions of my proofreaders. In one scene where the protagonist explains inflation to his girlfriend and the proofreaders called it boring. So I wrote a scene where cuckservative dad rants "If poor people dont want to be poor they should work harder, when I was a teenaged boy I shoveled shit for 2 dollars an hour" and that made the proofreaders hate him so much, they were fine with the hero going upstarirs and grumbling to himself "Fucking selfish prick. He's got his so he doesn't care about anyone else. How is anyone supposed to get a manual labor job when everything needs an expensive license these days and the country was flooded with immigrants willing to work for less so they can stay here, or worse, immigrants willing to work for even less because they are paid to be here? Before his generation allowed inflation to skyrocket his 2 dollars an hour was worth more than my money. You'd need to be given 15 dollars an hour for work today to match the value he was given for his labor. I don't make that much helping to build hotels the govt is going to flood with rapefugees! The hotel gets double its usual room cost from the govt for housing Orcs, to help the hotel pay for any damages or hush money caused by Orc Moments. This would not be necessary if the Orcs were just like us deep down."
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.355927
Because I'm writing a story about a rebellion I rewatched Code Geass because there was a rebellion in that show. But Code Geass did a lot wrong and I want to avoid making those mistakes in my work.

What I wrote was way too long for this thread but is it correct to say instead of serving the story's need to constantly top itself with shocking twists and excalating excessive melodrama, Suzaku and Euphemia from Code Geass should have been used to intelligently explore what rebelling from inside the system is and isn't, giving them a character arc where they start out naively thinking "Putting Euphemia on the throne will make the empire that controls 1/3rd of the world and is oppressing everybody morally good and solve everything, and open rebellion is bad because it results in bloodshed and it kills soldiers serving the empire" but after the coup Euphemia turns out to be a puppet-king without true autonomy while her evil allies hold all the real power and can replace her at any time should she rebel, so Suzaku and Euphemia risk everything to leak all of Britannia's dirty secrets and let the people know revolution is necessary and then join Lelouch's Black Knights, even though it means putting away their childish fantasies of "playing princess and knight" and abandoning their respective birthrights to do the right thing no matter the cost?
https://mlpol.net/ub/3147#6260
Anonymous
6c09a87
?
No.355948
355967 355977
>You are a stick.
>Well you once were a tree.
>Then a being of near limitless power made by a mad Queen.
>You're The clone of Twilight Sparkle, except superior in everyway.
>If only those incompetent fools did as you commanded you would have succeeded.
>Untouchable as they all fall under your superiority.
>Except you're a stick because the Tree of Harmony launched a counter attack at the minions failings, but not that irritating bug Queen Chrysalis.
>You would have won.
>You've been brought by that bug as she just goes on and on.
>Power out of reach, Grogar's Bell.
>The centaur and filly and the bug working to dismantle Grogar.
>Their near success.
>And them becoming stone.
>The filly had a decent tactical mind, subpar to your own of course, but would have made a good minion.
>The centaur could brute force his way through obstacles and not be entirely incompetent.
>The bug used the only thing important about her, her body.
>Now you understand you needed knowledge and more importantly wisdom.
>Those things leverage power to even greater heights!
>To safe guard power from all sides!
>So you began to theorize, plot and plan with everything you experience adding to things that need to be tested once free.
Anonymous
c1316db
?
No.355967
>>355948
What will become of Twilog Stickle?
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355975
355982 356060
>>355711

Got some more of the Pyx story done:

Updated:
https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/ryLqti3Ho

Hit length limit again, here's the rest of what I have:
https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/ryT8dxL8j

- - - - - - -

Also, Sven, I should hopefully have my part of the collab done by tomorrow night sometime.
Anonymous
6c09a87
?
No.355977
>>355948
>You are Twilog Stickle
>You don't care any more.
>Unmoving as ages pass.
>The magical and technical revolutions pass by.
>So slowly time creeps across.
>Just like that it's done.
>It's over, everypony and creature left.
>They didn't quite figure out a permanent solution to entropy universes invading.
>There's just star dust and you.
>An immortal impervious stick.
>No being could ever command or compel you just as you wanted.
>No creature, being or pony could care about the bizarre log that exists as is.
>You've seen the last star be exhausted.
>Blackholes gone.
>There's just you and decaying matter and magic.
>Soon what once was the birth universe of the greatest beings is claimed in total by parasites.
>In a few hours all that is left is you.
>Those entropic universes collapse other universes to build things in their twisted purview.
>It's over now.
>The very fabric of the universe shrinks and now you're too big to even fit inside fully.
>Then you hear them those ponies that hold the Elements of Harmony
>Twilight Sparkle and her friends
>"All together now."
>Harmony crashes through and into you, the only thing keeping their universe from fully falling through.
>A strange voice speaks to you.
>"I've failed you bearer of magic and now we set things right."
>You can't speak because you're a stick, but you're the only thing in here and the Tree of Harmony cares hearing the undetectable thoughts.
>"Will you accept our help?"
>Is there any other answer?
>"Very well, we shall use your mind, body and memories and all we have to fashion what is more."
>"We shall be as Yggdrasil yet in our own ways."
>Everything
>Melts
>Away
>You're
>A L I V E
>More than infinity as your existence.
>"We ask that you do what is right, yet that is only asking. Please awaken your heart."
>Eons of memory is slipped away, as the bed of pony kind makes for new frontiers bigger, better and the counter to the last threat.
>Self awareness of a universe housing multiverese that house within themselves more similar expanding universes going on and on.
>Ultimate power
>Utimate omniscience
>And the request
>Leave it for now to go and
>L I V E

>You are the better version of Twilight Sparkle.
>That bug is in for a nasty suprise as you nearly push her beam back to where it came.
>A white tendril interrupts.
>The Tree of Harmony has you and your minions in its grasp.
>It does something and you remember.
>And you scream and fight against being eroded to just a fucking stick again.
>You hear something further away.
>For the first time you witness being unconscious.
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.355980
>Twiglog Barkle
Anonymous
885c101
?
No.355982
356043
>>355975
>Also, Sven, I should hopefully have my part of the collab done by tomorrow night sometime.
Uso Da!!1
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356013
356020 356044
Turns out Chatoyance is 62 going on 63. I was crapping on an old person's work this whole time. Am I a bad person?
Anonymous
1c395a7
?
No.356020
356021 356044
>>356013
No, anon. Old age is THE OPPOSITE of an excuse for producing garbage. Being old and writing trash means having failed to learn how to write despite having had far more opportunities than anyone younger.
The only reason you feel bad now is instincts that have been developed in times when getting old actually required being a valuable member of the society.
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356021
356029
>>356020
But doesn't dementia kick in early for women? Sure, chatoyance is a man troon, but all those femchemicals can't've been good for him.
Anonymous
1c395a7
?
No.356029
>>356021
Not by 50. Though it's a wonder how he managed to live past 30.
And dementia is still not an excuse.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.356043
356049 356051 356060
683757__safe_fluttershy_solo_angry_fangs_parody_pixiv_japanese_slit+eyes_higurashi+no+naku+koro+ni_artist-colon-dobado_rena+ryuugu_uso+da.png
>>355982
Just for that, I decided to do it tonight instead.

Seriously though, sorry it took so long. I'm trying to get to 50k words this year for NaNoWriMo since the last couple years I've done it I didn't quite make it, so I've been working on the Pyx thing.

Anyway, it's updated; hope you enjoy what I came up with.
https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/SyZdTa3rj
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.356044
>>356013
The Chatoyance thing that I reviewed I remember being of considerably higher quality than most of the other selections I've looked at, but that's not saying all that much. It still had its share of problems; the author mostly got high marks from me due to being able to read and write at a more or less adult level, which before I started reviewing MLP fanfiction was the bare minimum I'd expect from just about anyone. Also, iirc I read that story immediately after I finished Our Girl Scootaloo, so the bar could not possibly have been set any lower.

I would say that if an author is older it means you're justified in holding him to a higher standard, particularly if he's also been writing for a long time. That's part of the reason I'm so curious about kkat's true identity; namely, if the rumors about him being a 50+ year old troon are actually true. FoE reads like something a fifteen year old would write, so if a fifteen year old wrote it then it makes sense. If something that low-quality had been written by a middle-aged man, however, that would basically lower it from "bad teenage fanfiction" to "Chris-chan tier autism."

Anyway, I haven't read any of the Conversion Bureau stuff, but I've heard mixed things about it. I may take a look at some point. Based on what I saw with the Injector Doe thing that I read, though, Chatoyance is a competent enough writer, but his work isn't mind-blowing by any stretch of the imagination. Like I said, it mostly just looked good compared to all the other stuff I've looked at.

To be fair, I'm assuming that Past Sins and Sun & Rose and most of those other stories I've reviewed were probably written by people who were in their teens or early twenties, and who probably hadn't written much of anything before attempting those projects, so if anything my judgement of them might have been overly harsh. By contrast, Chatoyance is in his sixties, and if I remember correctly, claims to have worked as a professional writer in some capacity, so if anything he ought to be held to a far higher standard. I think you've pretty much got open license to take a shit on him if you want to.

>>356020
Basically what this guy said.
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356048
Thank you, everyone. I shouldn't feel bad about criticizing Chatoyance's work. After all, it was gay.
Probably the least gay pony fiction we've read on this site, which is weird because it's a fantasy where a loser transforms through no effort of their own to become a superior species, get validated by the abilities and traits of their new body, and granted what's basically heaven for them. Gregoria felt bad about being a bad friend but there was no hidden resentment for that.
Bet it would have improved the story if pony Gregoria tried making up for lost time with her friend only for that hidden resentment for abandoning her right when she lost her husband and retreated into pony fantasy to blow up and cause a big shoutfest.
Gregoria should have had to try harder to make friends as a pony before humanity and equinity became irrelevant to the story of Steve Jobs vs the government and all of that became irrelevant to the story of a glitchy simulation that can retcon anything at any time once a sufficiently special person dies and imprints their beliefs onto the world.
This is a setting where nothing can matter and any exploration of humanity or ponykind is forgotten. They don't even struggle with the question of what can matter once it is objectively proven that nothing does. Nobody plans to crash the simulation with no survivors or become a Code Holder and die thinking happy thoughts to rewrite the universe into a happy one where things can matter again and there are no more retcons, or find a Code Holder and convince them to die for this future or pass on their Code Holder status to someone willing to die in a way that matters and makes stuff matter again.
Anonymous
8790a1b
?
No.356049
356102
>>356043
I'm excited. This is like reading fanfiction of something you wrote.
Anonymous
8790a1b
?
No.356050
356102
I'm sorry about the atrocious speeling and gramer arrows in the first chapter that I made you read. Just felt the need to produce the new version of chapter 1 quickly enough.
Anonymous
8790a1b
?
No.356051
356102 356331
>>356043
I loved it.
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.356060
356102
>>355975
This story has been one of the funniest things I've read lately. Love all the subtle little jokes (Night Soil got a kek out of me) and it really is satisfying to have read the original work and your review first.

>>356043
This is also really good!
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356078
>send out playable beta levels to FE fans for testing
>they don't get the realistic tone or political complexity, skip cutscenes, complain about understanding less with each cutscene, fill in the blanks in their knowledge with their own biases and rewrite the story in their heads to suit said biases despite being incompatible with what comes after, call my writing shit because it didnt go where they expected, call the hero a weak dumbass because they're used to mary sues who can do anything, call my character design bland for being realistic with its fantastical elements, call my balance shit because weak characters and strong characters are very different despite the story reasons justifying this and the added gameplay challenge I intentionally designed for(send your best fighter somewhere and he's not covering anywhere else), loathe a little girl they had to rescue because they kept fucking up and letting her die and blaming her even though she's a fucking little girl and they have all the tools they need to solve this map if only they would read what the skills and weapons and custom classes do before they rush in blind like Awakening Babies used to playing on easy automatic

I think I've made a mistake somewhere.
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356079
356086
I don't mean to sound like I'm blaming others for not getting it. That would make me sound like a bad author and a bad sport about this whole thing. I think the mistake is that I made it too hard to "get". I need to be less subtle and less complicated. There has to be something I can do to help the target audience of 40 somethings addicted to mobile games intended for kids aged 12 and up to get it. What should I do? Add shit they're used to like overpowered wizard girlfriends, enemy phase focused maps where your invincible bugzappers watch armies of ants commit suicide, and incestuous horny big sisters with massive tits eager to fellate a blank slate protagonist for showing up?
Anonymous
8a7d041
?
No.356086
356087
>>356079
But, you ARE a bad author and a bad sport. Thats well established.
>What should I do/add
Add liberal amounts of skill, practice, talent, and consideration for the audience.
Or here's an idea: tell a reasonably good fucking story