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Writefag Support Circle: A Gathering of Based Gentlemen Who Smoke Pipes.
Anonymous
78d7e52
?
No.336928
336929 336941 336955 337011 338530 357376
Hello. This is the second thread of the writefag circle, here: >>299458 →

Basically all that is said in that OP applies to this one but I'll go through the 'rules' of this thread here as well.

So, the main point of this thread is to facilitate and enable Anons' writefagging; in a similar way pride facilitates and enables aids.;^P The Anons in this thread can be seperated into two camps: Anons who wants help with their writing project(s) and Anons that feel inclined to help those aforementioned shrek-colored skinheads.

Crafting and beta-reading is what we do here, any critique of literature not made by a guy submitted for this thread should be incidental; it should be when you —as a beta-reader of fics posted ITT— make a comparision between the fic your reviewing and some other story for the sake of demonstrating your point, whatever it is.

This is NOT: A review thread for unsolicited rants about random media which does not fall into the mold for how to use a refrence in this thread described in the above paragraph. Meaning if you're not using —like, let's pick something arbitrary— Naruto for a comparision in your critique of someone's writing itt, then don't bring it up. I understand that tangents can happen and if it's like a few exchanges with a pair of posters; then it's fine. However, don't make this a pattern and also move whatever off-thread-topic discussion to a more fitting board/thread. There's after all no problem with finding someone to converse with and share perspectives on a subject you care about but just take it to an appropriate thread. Sidenote: Nigel, these rules applies to you in a stricter fashion because I would not have to detail them with this much precision if it weren't for you.

I hope that I haven't scared anybody off. This is still suppose to be a chill af thread. Funposting is very much allowed and encouraged. It really is more that some type of posting —like, things that are completely irrelevant to the thread— does not belong here. I know, rocket-science and a rule that is seldom seen and highly unique for this thread. Perhaps you could call it a... Novelty. (You) intelligent lurker, obviously get the subtext of this OP so you probably won't need to worry about any of this. I'd say if you're unsure if what you're about to post belongs in the thread, then post it anyway. The worst that can happen is that someone tells you to move it to another thread and you get a better insight of what post belongs in thread. If you consist on fish and chips, however, I'd sugguest you think twice on what you're posting and perhaps even ask beforehand if your rant about lefties and Undertale belongs here.

If there are any questions on the OP, ask away?
631 replies and 124 files omitted.
Anonymous
6890474
?
No.353793
353865
>>353345
So I'm eagerly waiting for your opinion (If you still feel up for it) on my piece and your next chapter in the muffindetective saga.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353811
>>353792
A fighting game style intro could wok, nice. Have you seen playthroughs of Fire Emblem games where they don't skip the level intro and level outro cutscenes, any mid level cutscenes, or mid level text boxes here and there? That's the story to gameplay ratio I am aiming for.
The FE series has its archetypes, ideas that keep coming back, ans usually there's a Jagen. A player character OP early on that drops off in power rapidly to punish the player for relying on it. An elderly veteran warrior, typically a man on horseback, who won't get much stronger during combat. The storyline might even kill the Jagen off automatically to symbolically remove your safety net. But to have this safety net in the first place early on just doesn't fit the tone of my game. I could give the protags some kind of Master Splinter character standing around watching the heroes and stepping in only if they're fucked but early on they're alone and without allies or hope. They have to become hope.
in Fates, the Jagen was a Dragonstone weapon for the protag, a stat boosting weapon in a category that doesnt gain weapon skill exp on use in a game where weapon exp is important. Already gave my character a unique attack to fulfill that purpose. And a blinding attack. And an aoe ally buff. I'll never know if the dragonstone was designed that way first before the 3 sides to fight on were conceptualized and it would be harder to give the players self insert a Jagen or vice reversa. Maybe it was an accident, both sides have a designated strong guy: Xander and Ryona.

Seems the best Jagen characters provide utility to their party beyond the option to erase enemies and their exp rewards from the map, which is something you'll ideally want to do as little as possible. Could heal or strengthen allies somehow, increase exp or weapon exp gain for adjacent allies, could weaken enemies, could rescue and ferry units around like a taxi with his mount, could deal low damage to enemies while surviving counterattacks your weaker units couldnt to get those units ready to earn the kill, could block chokepoints with his high DEF and HP better than your armoured knight while probably also lacking his weakness to magic.

To combine the best of these into one unit I'd make a tough flying horse-riding healer who fights using Shields and Light Magic, light magic is great for healing and buffing your guys and weakening enemies while elemental and dark magic focus more on battle, his class skill makes him unable to kill enemies(they survive with 1hp and therefore cannot have ther exp wasted on the jagen) and whose personal skill buffs adjacent ally exp and weapon exp gain. He can't Dance (spend your turn making an ally able to move twice this turn) but he can still support. The optimized perfect jagen in character form dedicated to supporting, not outshining, his alles. One of these days, I should make Shitpost Emblem where the Jagen is a Dancer and the Lord rejects combat to become a Healer and they have to rely on comically awful companions kicked out of other FE games for being too shit. Comedy gold because that's not normal for titty chess games with their super serious plots and generic hero guys and gruff OP old man friends.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353834
Had this idea where the hero joins a rebellion that helps him with the fighting. He sacrifices himself to let his friends escape when a mission goes bad, allowing himself to be captured alive.
He surrenders to the enforcers that beat him senseless before dragging him into a police van.
He is subjected to injustices and abuses many real whites have faced in this system, in the courtroom and when being held waiting for trial.
He is put on trial, where those who knew him and loved him beg for his life only to be silenced and abused by the horde whipped into a frenzy out for white blood. These people aren't willing to kill Goblins so they can't save him, begging a demon to see reason and do the right thing is like begging the rain not to fall. Those who never met him are given a platform to preach absurd slander about him. The propaganda doesn't have to be convincing to convince those who want to be convinced. His own lawyer was chosen by the state to betray him and the judge is a smug antiwhite jew who loves his villainous pseudointellectual speeches. The hero might even be accused of killing six million goblins somehow though that might be going too far.
The hero thinks to himself, these normies among the crowd are the people he wanted to save from the enemy they serve. What was the point? He thinks of all the people he saved fighting, and remembers why he fought. He remembers all the people who died fighting, and wished he was invincible. Wished he was a chosen one granted by god the strength to break these chains and burn every goblin here with holy fire.
If someone asked you to draw emptiness, would you draw an empty box, or something else defined by the absence of what should be there? You know emptiness when you see it, even if you can't clearly define it. The same is true for justice. Countless men could argue over what it means to do good, but they would all agree this fallen empire isn't justice.
He is eventually sentenced to public execution, also known as a show trial where the truth doesn't matter followed by one or more life sentences in prisons designed to torture, to kill, to strip you of your rights and house you among the worst people imaginable for being a bigger threat to the ruling class than any of them could ever be. They would call for an axe to take his head off if they felt merciful. They don't feel merciful. They want him in a box to be tortured slowly and made into a spectacle.
There is no justice in this system.
He is eventually freed by the rebellion but the shit he sees should shake the naivete and mercy out of him, and remind him it is victory or death. I'm just not sure how hard I want to go with this scene/story arc. Too much darkness would break the audience's spirit. Too much realism would make them call this reality inspired work of fiction unrealistic. Up until this point the hero has been a boy scout. He started out empty and hopeless but then he started learning the right ideology for the first time like a man learning to hope for the first time, unlearning all the lies taught to him about his people. In early drafts he already knew everything and had no way to grow and was the educator who helped others learn the truth, changing that and making him this vulnerable hurt human guy doing his best to do the right thing, taking this innocent soul and making him learn the truth as he does good in a society that hates good was the secret ingredient I needed.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.353865
353866 353888
unknown (3).png
>>352793
>>353793
First off, I should probably note that there's still quite a bit of the usual ESL and grammar issues in here that I usually comment on. There isn't significantly more or less of it than in the last thing of yours that I read, so I'm not really going to spend much time going through any of that, but it is still noticeable. You might want to consider running your pieces through Grammarly or something similar before posting them, as it might help with readability. There are some free alternatives you can use as well:
https://www.grammarlookup.com/grammarly-alternatives/

Anyway, grammar and spelling aside, the overall quality of this is pretty good. It's a very action-heavy scene, so descriptions of physical space and the positioning of characters in relation to each other is important. The scene was easy to visualize, and your descriptions are simple and focused on the important details. Anon is green and wears baggy pants, the minotaur has a muscular physique incidentally, in your text you have it spelled as "physic", this is the sort of error that Grammarly could help correct, the alligator walks on hind legs and wears armor over his belly. Spatial descriptions are similar: the setting is an arena, the audience is a group of "demi-humans," what exactly this means is not made immediately clear, but presumably it will become clearer as the story proceeds, audience members in the front row are armed and allowed to attack the combatants if they try to escape. We can immediately visualize the setting and the characters from what you give us, as well as make some inferences about Anon's situation. Description in this is short and to the point, focusing on essential details while moving the story along quickly. This is a good way to approach writing this sort of thing. There are also some minor details you include in here, like the alligator's tail making a line in the sand as he walks, that help to flesh out the scene. Nice job there.

This is good too:

>Anon looked puzzled but then felt his back hit something. He whirled around and found that he’d walked into one of the only corners the arena had. The walls were circular but the gates one enter through protruded and between their frames and the walls of the ring where corners.
The line about corners made me raise an eyebrow, since I was fairly sure you established that the arena was round, but you immediately clarify what you meant. What's more, you manage to succinctly explain it in a single brief sentence, without deviating off into a long spaghetti-paragraph about a minor detail. You're learning to anticipate these things and deal with them before the reader asks; nice job here as well.

That said, there are a few issues:

>He felt the breath of Crocs’ jaws on his neck as he finished his roll. He grabbed the tail and hurled himself out of harms’ way while tossing the tail up in the air of where he just had been.
>He saw how Crocs bit into his tail and spun. A terrible crack was heard and Anon knew he had won.
The description here is a bit vague. I'm assuming what happens is that Crocs tries to bite anon, but Anon ducks under his jaws, vaults his tail, grabs the tail, and then uses it to throw Crocs, and then somehow the tail ends up in Crocs's mouth. Either that or he somehow forces the tail into the lizard's mouth and makes him bite it. However, that's just my assumption, it's not 100% clear what's going on here. This bit should be rewritten to make it a little more clear what's happening.

>Statled, Anon jumped back from crocs large maw that lay next to his feets. Crocs leapt again, this time a shorter distance since he had been lying down.
Was Crocs lying down? There is no mention of him changing his posture to this position, yet this passage suggests we should already have this information. The last time we heard about Crocs, he was standing on his hind legs. What I'm assuming you meant is that Crocs dropped into a crouching or lying position in order to attack, but you skip the part where he actually does this. It would be a significant detail if the character were an ordinary human, and it's even more significant if he's supposed to be a half-man half-crocodile. An actual crocodile walks on four legs, but a half-crocodile presumably doesn't. It's important that the reader know what they are supposed to be imagining, so you want to be clear on details like this. Also, while Anon can't be statled, he can certainly be startled, and "feet" is already plural, so you don't need to add an 's'. Here, let me post that link again for you:
https://www.grammarlookup.com/grammarly-alternatives/

>The rest of the pant’s leg tore apart up to the waist, revealing Anon’s green thights.
"Thights" is just another spelling error, but in this case it's a little more of a big deal because it looks like you could be misspelling two different words, either of which could make sense in this context: thighs or tights. Since you've already established that Anon is green, I'm assuming you mean that the alligator ripped Anon's pants and revealed his green thigh. However, it's also plausible that Anon could be wearing green tights under his pants though that might look a little gay tbh. You have to be careful about things like this. Also, "pant's leg" implies that the leg belongs to a pant, and I'm not familiar with any such animal, nor was one mentioned in the scene. I'm assuming you meant "pants leg." Here, let me post that link again for you:
https://www.grammarlookup.com/grammarly-alternatives/

>Anon’s eyes were huge but then he force anger into his eyes.
>He ripped the ground with his claws in blind furry.
>He dragged his hand along his exposed tighe as he remebered the force that ripped his pants asunder.
One last time, let me post that link for you:
https://www.grammarlookup.com/grammarly-alternatives/
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.353866
353888
2022-10-13.png
>>353865

Anyway, I'm liking the story itself so far too. The scene is a fairly straightforward arena-match between the standard Anon character and a lizard-man (attached is an artist's rendition of what the combatants might look like). However, there are some things here that pique the reader's curiosity and makes them want to know more about what's really going on. The scene is good enough to be interesting on it's own, but it teases at a larger story and makes the reader want to find out more.

First off, it seems as if most of the characters in this setting are anthropomorphic animals. There's the lizardman of course, as well as the minotaur, the dragon, the "demi-human" audience, and so forth; however, Anon himself is human. This is a common enough premise; usually Anon (or the generic human) is a traveler from another world, or something similar. However, the minotaur explicitly calls Anon his son, and the term "pure-blood" is used. This implies that Anon actually comes from this world, but is perceived as some kind of black sheep due to some abnormality he was born with. Moreover, the premise seems to invert the usual abnormality: instead of Anon being some kind of half-animal in a world of humans, he's a full human in a world of half-human half-animals.

I'm a little unclear on how a half-man half-bull would be able to produce a "pureblood" son. I notice that the brother character is a half-jaguar, and assuming they have the same father, this could indicate that the animal traits are not necessarily passed down, but it's also considered normal for everyone to have an animal half; ie a half-bull could mate with a half-deer or a half-sasquatch or something to that effect, and the union could produce a half-jaguar son. Basically, the animal half is particular to the individual and doesn't necessarily require one of the parents to be the same animal. In the case of Anon, the abnormality is that he doesn't have an animal half at all. Is that more or less the premise? It's a little unclear how it all works, but again it's interesting, and I'm assuming it will become clearer as the story progresses.

Also interesting is that the story closes with an interaction between Anon and his brother, while the title of the story is "Brother-Killer." The two brothers seem to get along, but it's clear that Anon and his father don't. Is this a prelude to some sort of tragedy that ends with Anon killing his jaguar brother? Or is there a third brother, who was already killed by Anon for some reason? Perhaps this has something to do with why Anon and his father don't get along? We don't know, but we're curious; that's always a good way to start things.

I also liked the way the Anon character was portrayed. He clearly knows something about fighting, and he ultimately prevails in his arena battle, but he's also intimidated by the lizardman and the hostility of the crowd. At the end of the fight, he seems to be in a state of near-shock at having come close to death. The character isn't portrayed as some swaggering, invincible bad-ass showing off his skills, but a frightened ordinary man, who for some reason has to fight in an arena battle while his father watches. The character clearly has some humanity and depth: he tries to project confidence, but doesn't always succeed, and inwardly he's afraid but he pushes through it because he has to. It gives the character more depth and nobility than if he were simply some bad-ass ninja who just btfos every enemy he comes across. Nice job here as well.

Anyway, all in all, I think you did a good job with this. It's a promising opening; I'll be curious to read more of it.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.353867
353887 353929
Actually, while I have everyone's attention I'd like to ask again for some reads on this one:

>>351627

It was written for a timed competition, so it's rough and ends rather abruptly. I kind of liked where it was going and am debating whether or not it's worth finishing.
Anonymous
ec2b218
?
No.353887
353959
>>353867
Okay. What does "EFNW" mean?
Anonymous
ec2b218
?
No.353888
>>353865
>>353866
Thanks for your input.
Funny SoulCalibour customization.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353895
It would be cool if the hero of my story could see the ghosts of his genocided people and be helped in fights by them because these ghosts objectively exist while demons lack full souls, right?

Avatar Aang was helped by ghosts, like his past lives, and that was awesome in Avatar. Luke had ghost friends too, Force Ghosts. How many pieces of fiction give the heroes spiritual advisors to some degree? The hero could even see his own parents, who died fighting the enemy, when he becomes more spiritually aware and becomes able to face them with pride in his people even though society wants him ashamed of his race.

But giving the hero ghost summoning powers is a degree of abstraction from reality. Killing orcs with swords and bows and pipe bombs and landslides and magic book flamethrowers is one thing. Killing them with ghosts? It's weird. Men talking to ghosts instead of God is weird.

The homosexual who looks like an American voter map, the upcoming official Fire Emblem game protagonist, he summons the ghosts of the protagonists of previous fire emblem games to aid him in fights because goyslop crossovers and nostalgia are popular right now. That's such a lazy way to waste the idea of being aided by ghosts. My protag is cooler than this walking pride flag for a perversion that doesn't exist yet. And my hero has more reason to summon ghost allies than this dragonkin genderfluid twink whose mom fucked a multicoloured ballpoint pen. 3 Houses was full of cut content and unexplored potential so it seems the devs are taking a break from trying, churning out formulaic clicheslop instead.

Summoning the ghosts of your dead family to help you fight the empire that genocided them and is trying to genocide all of you is cooler than just happening to have a ton of past lives or just happening to be able to summon copyrighted Flier Embullshit(tm) characters. Fuck summoning "heroes and villains from other worlds" to do your heroism for you, this isn't a gacha game. Summoning past lives aka genetic strangers to tell you their wisdom isn't as directly connected to family as being able to summon ghosts directly related to you. It also lets me characterize the hero's dead family members and give them screentime and unique weapons and maybe even character arcs without having to cram all their characterization into one flashback they get before they die helping the hero escape the genocide. Hell, maybe the hero could travel around meeting new ghosts of people the empire fucked over and adding them to his ghost collection like a pokemon trainer. It all seems like a positive aside from how it takes combat one more degree away from gritty realism and invites schizo "I see dead people" jokes.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this idea but I'm not asking you to make the decision for me.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353906
353924
04yw3eikyzn91.jpg
maxresdefault (1).jpg
Fci1h9kWYAI02ir.jpeg
Forgot to post toothpastefag.

I shouldn't care about what FE does when making my story. But I feel like I could do the concept of being aided by ghosts better and work it into my story better. From the trailers FE Engage seems like a homosexual non story where you're jerked off for waking up as the chosen one supergod divine dragon man who can uae rings to summon dead marketable characters to kill monsters for him, and all his foes are cartoon supervillains serving satandragon or zombies he summoned.

My protag is already the survivor of an attempted massacre by the government. Letting him see his loved ones and letting them continue to affect the world, warning him of enemy ambushes and killing foes on the battlefield... would this take away from the tragedy of this loss, more than it would help make each dead family member a character the audience can get to know over time?
Anonymous
a90ce94
?
No.353924
353932
17-The-Big-Lebowski-quotes.jpg
>>353906
Anonymous
44c2455
?
No.353929
353959
>>353867
>>351627
>"...and then Sunny Starscout became an alicorn, and Equestria was ruined forever."
>A.K. Yearling's hoofwriter fell silent. She leaned back in her chair, frowning as she read over the last few paragraphs of her manuscript. It wasn't the best thing she'd ever written,
Hehe, so you start off breaking the fourth wall, which I think is fine since the reader can't possibly be immersed into the story yet.

One of my petpeeves (or käpp(-)häst in Swedish (translates into "can-horse")) in stories is when there are writer characters in the story. My opinion is that if there is a character that likes to writer or is a writer, I want a full story laser-focused on that or it will break my immersion. I often find these characters to be author surrogates and that the end up spouting their writing philosophy through these characters.

This is not what happens here though. Instead you use this break in the fourth wall to troll people in the fandom, so all in all. Good taste. Remembering my own, embarrasing overreaction to G5, you're specifically targeting me it seems. So thanks.

Also, since Daring Do is canonically a writer, it fits what she would be doing. I just wanted to give you my personal input.

Actually, now when I think about it, if G5 is set in future Equestria, this sort of makes Daring Doo a prophet, doesn't it? Kek.

But this opening sets the tone: Comedy. Let's see if that's how the story continues.

>Was it Ahuizotl? Caballeron? Her publisher?
Comedy in threes and a subversion on the expected pattern of villains: Clever. You forced a chuckle from me and smile onto my face. Fagit.

>The pony in the doorway, who had clearly been startled by her reaction, recovered herself and smoothed back her oily mane.
Cool detail. The character actually reacted on Daring Do's flight or fight response. Easy to forget to characterize, I think.

>wanly
I learn a bunch of new words.

>"Tell the King I would be honored to attend."
The paragraphs around this sentence indicate a tone shift in the story. Suddenly, it's a very serious story. Tone shifts are natural parts of stories. This is not a critque, just pointing out how I first precived this story as a comedy due to the opening and then it seems to shift into something serious, unless I there's a subversion just waiting around the corner.
Again, I see no fault here at all. Stories can begin jovial to turn serious. Just wanted to share how I precived the story thus far for your benefit.

>"It can't be..." she whispered.
>And yet it was.
>"You have to eat all the eggs!" the Mareharishi hissed triumphantly.
>A.K. Yearling could only stare in horror at the abomination before her.
>"Eggs!" she whispered. "Why did it have to be eggs?
Heh, Daring Doo could infact not like eggs and this works in meta way as well. I, however, if I found myself in Daring's horseshoes, would claim I was egg allergic. Also, a what kind of King serves their honor guest a bowl of eggs?

I laughed but because of the build up, the punchline that came from the sudden tone shift you built up was bit dampend. Since what Daring was reacting to was a dish not anything dangerous, I already knew that the tone was shifting towards comedy before the reveal that cemented the puncline and subversion happened. If it had been something that could have been dangerous instead of just silly but later was revealed to be silly the serious tone you built up would all come crashing down in that moment instead gradually over some paragraphs.
It feels redundant explaining the nuances to you though, GG, since I consider you a master shitposter and myself just a novice and you probably got exactly where I was going with this at the time I called attention to it. Comedy is one of your fortes.

>"I...I can't do it!" Yearling was close to tears. "I...just...don't...like....EGGS!!"
Why do you tease me like this?

Also, I notice that you have two indiana Jones refrences in here: The first one is obvious, "Sneks y sneks?" but second one is, maybe it's more of a homage, that scene in the second movie where they are invited to eat monkey brain.

>The tribe had responded accordingly, immediately devolving into factions: those that supported the old King, and those who supported the challenger.
Okay okay, didn't see that comming. Thought the tribe would hunt her down not that some would side with her.

>Daring Do, however, had no time to lament over spilled milk; or spilled eggs,
>Spilled eggs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9h7dsmO38c&ab_channel=DouchebagChocolat
0:47?

>Not with her deadline only a few days away. There was also the pesky matter of the amulet.
Priorities:)

>"It hasn't happened yet," she muttered. "Maybe there's still time..."
Yeah. that's a cliffhanger alright. You should be glad, I walk away from it feeling sad that I got no closure that is a good grade imo.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353932
353933
>>353924
So in a new shit game the protag summons the ghosts of marketable characters from previous games in his franchise to help him fight, and that's gay.
My story and game could do the idea of summoning ghosts to help you fight better, by making the hero exclusively able to summon the ghosts of family members the Goblin government killed.
Cool, right?
But I'm not sure if I want to do that.
One, giving the hero the power to summon ghosts makes him special, and I don't want him to be a chosen one with special powers, just a regular man who lives a shit life until he starts rebelling and fighting for a better one.
And two, seeing ghosts and talking to dead family members is schizo stuff. People will joke about that and call my story's protagonist a schizo. Even though the ghosts are objectively real.
Anonymous
a9b3d9e
?
No.353933
353934
>>353932
>One, giving the hero the power to summon ghosts makes him special, and I don't want him to be a chosen one with special powers
What if he earns it mid-game through an impressive feat or something?
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353934
353950
>>353933
You're a fucking genius. He needs to earn the ghost power! Being able to see his family again after all that time will be incredibly emotional, too. He could earn that spirit summoning power by heading to a place where there are others like him to teach him, and then he could help defend it from an enemy attack.
Anonymous
a9b3d9e
?
No.353950
>>353934
Glad you found it useful.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353954
Been reading more books. Why do many stories about rebellion make the hero an authority figure who "should" be in charge, someone able to use his unfair advantages obtained through his birth like magic chosen one powers or inherited riches or genetic superiority and natural talent? If he's not a conquering king from the good land taking over the bad land or removing a check/balance on the throne's power like religious authorities or the aristocracy from his own good kingdom, he's the one good member of the royal family kicked out of the castle for being too nice. Even if the hero seemingly comes from nothing he has to turn out to be related to someone in power. It's like editors were taught at editor school "always tell the writer to make the protag The Hidden King or retcon him to be that later". Why? I don't get it. Is it to make the idea of him as the new king more palatable to authority worshippers? So they'll cheer when the "good" king gains the power of life and death over everyone when he takes that from the "bad" emperor? There's more to an institution than its head. Changing who rules over a dystopia designed to be governed by force and fear isn't enough, the way the government works should be changed to turn ruled subjects into free men. Or at least the subjects able to earn their freedom. But all these feel-good stories seem designed to masturbate readers who want to self insert as the rightful heir to the throne, and ending the story with "By the way I'm abolishing the caste system and monarchy and writing a constitutional list of citizen's rights" wouldn't be considered as universally appealing as "By the way I'm abdicating the throne and fucking off far away or suiciding for the sake of a tortured Christ imitation, have fun ruling this hellhole without me even though this land only ever has problems when I'm not ruling it and complaining about how boring things are". Maybe I'm reading the wrong material but so far I can't find any good stories about overthrowing evil in a medieval fantasy world.
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.353959
353961 354013
>>353887
>Okay. What does "EFNW" mean?
Everfree Northwest, it's a pony con in Seattle. They hold a writing competition every year where they give you two hours to pull a story out of your ass, that has to fit a list of parameters that they give you. This years rules were that your story had to contain "a guru, a guerilla and a gaffe." Some of the awkward bits in this story were the result of me attempting to wedge those things in.

>>353929
>I often find these characters to be author surrogates and that the end up spouting their writing philosophy through these characters.
That's generally how it works. If you don't overdo it, it's a good way to throw some of your random thoughts into your text without derailing it. In this case, the opening line was just something funny that popped into my head. My original idea was to have that line be the end of a bedtime story that Cadance was reading to Twilight, but I couldn't think of anywhere else to take it that wasn't pornographic. So, I decided to make it the last line of a presumably very shitposty Daring Do novel.

>Heh, Daring Doo could infact not like eggs and this works in meta way as well. I, however, if I found myself in Daring's horseshoes, would claim I was egg allergic. Also, a what kind of King serves their honor guest a bowl of eggs?
The egg thing made it in there because I needed Daring Do to make a gaffe of some kind. I figured I'd have her violate some ancient tribal taboo by refusing to eat something she was offered, decided to make it a bowl of eggs because it was funny. Unfortunately there were fewer people from 4chan there than I expected; none of the reviewers got the joke and were mostly confused by it. That's the risk you run when you reference something outside the story for humor, but in this case I think it works.

There was another entry in the competition called "Gaslight Gatekeep Girlboss" that attempted the same thing: referencing an internet meme for laughs. I didn't get the joke there, but presumably the judges did, because it won honorable mention for having a funny title. I looked it up and apparently it's some normie meme that originated on Tumblr and moved to Twitter; I can't quite figure out what it means, though. It generally helps to know your audience.

Anyway, I'm glad my egg joke was appreciated.

>It feels redundant explaining the nuances to you though, GG, since I consider you a master shitposter
Thank you.

>The tribe had responded accordingly, immediately devolving into factions: those that supported the old King, and those who supported the challenger.
>Okay okay, didn't see that comming. Thought the tribe would hunt her down not that some would side with her.
If I remember correctly, at this point in the story I had something like 15 min left in the competition, and I realized I needed to put in something about a guerilla. I decided to just have the tribe break into guerilla warfare with each other over the egg snafu. In the rewrite I might try to expand on this part a bit.

>Yeah. that's a cliffhanger alright. You should be glad, I walk away from it feeling sad that I got no closure that is a good grade imo.
Nice, thank you for your input; I'm glad you liked it. I'm going to try to finish it up at some point in the somewhat near future.
Anonymous
9c3692a
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No.353961
353969
>>353959
>Gaslight Gatekeep Girlboss
Parody of "Live Laugh Love" (generic fake-uplifting greetings-card slogan shit you'd see on the walls of whores) that's semi-ironically calling attention to the toxicity of the archetypical "strong independent working businesswoman typically in middle management" persona and her manipulative underhanded domineering dishonest generally-unpleasant nature. They mock the unpleasantness of that stereotypical bitch when they aren't pretending it's something to celebrate.
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.353969
353977
>>353961
>They mock the unpleasantness of that stereotypical bitch when they aren't pretending it's something to celebrate.
Is that all it is? Nothing new about that; women have been passive-aggressively backstabbing each other since the dawn of time.
Anonymous
60bd8c4
?
No.353977
>>353969
>Is that all it is? Nothing new about that; women have been passive-aggressively backstabbing each other since the dawn of time.
Why does it need to be more or new? Race realism isn't new either but making memes on the subject isn't bad considering how the world is.
Anonymous
9b0b2bd
?
No.354013
354018 354061
Spoilered
Spoilered
>>353959
So I have this desire to write a story with you, kinda like how I did with Norway in that comp I asked you to judge. What can I say, I really dig that concept of relay writing. As you have probably noticed by the fact that I have tried/done it three times by now.

But I also know that I have problems with finishing what I start and would suck as a partner, despite how I like to imagine that "this time things will be different."

I don't know. I just wanted to inform you of what I want even though I haven't come up with any exact/concrete plan or purposal. Just liked to hear what you have to say about this before I bothered to think about any premise or anything.

Is there anyway I can seduce you, GG?
Anonymous
d1e344b
?
No.354018
354108
1573975933606.png
>>354013
>But I also know that I have problems with finishing what I start and would suck as a partner, despite how I like to imagine that "this time things will be different."
KEK
You think you're bad, kid?
Anonymous
9c3692a
?
No.354056
If each character in my story has to fulfill a purpose to the story and themes, the protagonist's birth parents and adoptive parents are going to be very important people to this tale.
Stories about teenagers saving the world usually make the parents awful people like the Dursleys, or good people who "just don't understand" until they do like Hiccup's dad from How To Train Your Dragon. Or complete afterthoughts. Or people who die as quickly as possible. I've seen the parents used as ideals for the hero to strive for before, by dying before the story begins they gain a sort of mythical status in the eyes of their son. You are descended from heroes who loved you and died fighting for you, not the idiots raising you wrong and holding you back. It's an appealing idea, no wonder Harry Pothead ripped it off.

Perhaps the hero's birth parents should be good people who got killed by the government. They died saving the protagonist and his little sister, or they decided to send them away to foster parents or relatives just before the attack, either way the hero and his little sister are the only survivors of the attack and they are now adopted.

The hero wants to protect his little sister, she's extremely important to him. The orphan he saves in the woods and adppts as his second sister is also important. I was thinking the adoptive parents could be great people without any flaws at all. Or they could be hard working but stuck-in-the-past cuckservative boomers who notice their world's getting worse but refuse to admit (((who))) is to blame and recognize what needs to be done about it. Or maybe the dad's a cuckservative and the mom's a libtard, but they're able to stay married because neither really cares about their principles or political views that strongly, that seems more realistic for that generation. Dad distrusts technology and magic, and forbids his son from having dreams above his social class and studying technology because dad's a retarded cuckservative faggot, and mom pretends to love the invading Orc hordes despite making her son or husband get groceries for her because she doesn't feel safe walking around alone with so many Orcs about even though she doesn't want to admit it. If they were truly good people they would have fought for a better world back when it was easier for them to win instead of selling the country out to the enemy and letting their kids inherit the fallout of their mistakes. And then there would be no story about the heroes fighting back against the system and winning.
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.354061
354068
>>354013
Sure, I can get behind that idea. Just let me know what the details are and when you'd like to get started.
Anonymous
2bcd66c
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No.354068
354069 354070
d4kjqvi-88b5dc1c-7ef1-47d6-89ba-dde1dd040ae3.png
>>354061
Nice!
I was thinking that in the story we'd write, we'd write every other chapter. The only rule is that everything that is written is canon and belongs in the story's continuity, so now changing afterwards. If we come to a disagreement over the story's progression, I guess we'll get into a retcon war. "Somehow... Palpatine returned." [/s

So one of us writes the first chapter of a story and then we continue from there. I will make sure to proofread through my chapters before posting them. I prmoise.

When it comes to long-term structure. I'll try to do my absolute best to keep up but I don't really demand the same from you. Hopefully, we can inspire the other to continue the story but if it ceases to amuse you, you can always quit. You're not signing on some contract here. Fineprint: Your soul belong to the ride! Obviously, if we feel that this is moving towards a conclusion then we end it as well.

>when you'd like to get started.
At the start of november fits me the best. 7th november at the latest for me.
Anonymous
2bcd66c
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No.354069
354070
>>354068
I fucked up the spoilers sadly. Only, like, one part is suppose to be spoiled.
Anonymous
2807619
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No.354070
354107 354113
>>354069
I've done that before.

>>354068
Don't stress out too much about structure, this kind of thing is usually just a fun exercise. Ordinarily I'd begin a story by making notes and outlining the general plot, but for something like this it's more fun to just come up with the whole thing on the fly. If we end up with something good we can always edit it so it's more coherent; otherwise my intent is to just have fun and shitpost. I'm probably putting too much thought into this Marlowe thing I'm doing currently; it might actually help me to take a break and do something fun and silly for awhile.
Anonymous
9c3692a
?
No.354101
Designing the bird people and writing them into my story came easy to me because there is a lot you can do with the idea of elements associated with birds. They split into lightning birds and wind birds and snow birds. Different answers to the questions raised by the fall of their empire. But the fish people... I have no idea what to do with the fish people. Water as an element can mean anything. Should there even be a sea kingdom when all aquatic characters can live on land or in the sea just as easily, with no need to moisturize or strap water dispensers over their gills? Fish people could be found anywhere after escaping their hellish underwater communist dictatorship, if they aren't descendants of someone who did. Cutting the sea kingdom as a location to visit seems to help the pacing of what's on the pages so far, but that leaves blank chapters where sea kingdom stuff was planned to go.

Also unfired Chekovs guns are a sign of bad writing, and it's retarded that Littlepip never used an unlabelled Memory Orb and ended up forced to experience her own mother's memories of Littlepip's conception from her mother's perspective.

All that talk of LP viewing too many memory orbs. But the giganigger turbofaggot author never fires that Chekov's Gun, even when LP goes back home and meets her own mother, saves her own mother, and watches her crush call her own mother a faggot.
This would be the perfect time for LP to get a gift from her own mother: A memory orb to defaggotize her. Making mom hate faggots so much she's willing to rape her own daughter by proxy using her own memories of Littlepip's dead or absent father would make the target audience hate her more and that's what good writing is really all about!
Jk.

On a serious note there was this bit where LP saves her vault from baddies who invaded and killed everyone. She sees brains splattered on walls, dead ponies, and the remnants of parties ponies threw for their "new friends". Parties with cake and balloons. Then the author revives characters so they can show up and congratulate LP.

The scene should have been written so that when ponies in the party room saw the designated new friend greeter get shot, everypony fled to the communal emergency bunker, leaving behind all the party shit, maybe trampling some ponies along the way or locking the bunker early with others still unsecured so some vault ponies can die without all vault ponies dying.
Could still find dead ponies and remnants of a party. But now LP would get into exciting unique fights against enemies in long metal coridoors she knows like the back of her girlfriend while trying to stop the enemies from reaching the bunker.
Some Characters established in the opening chapter before LP left the Vault should have died and some should have survived. Instead Kkunt writes as if everyone died and then pretended he didn't.
Fucking shit story. Terrain and weaponry and time limits and objectives and tactics never matter. Nobody splits up to cover multiple objectives and then thinks "fuuuuck fighting without that friend i am used to fighting beside is hard, I really wish Steelhooves was here right now to take bullets for me- oof ouch a bullet grazed me, I wish our healer was here right now but she's needed more elsewhere healing wounded people we're defending". Characters just spray bullets like it's a FPS because the retard author has terminal gamer brain syndrome. Gay.
Anonymous
83e81af
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No.354107
620355.png
>>354070
>otherwise my intent is to just have fun and shitpost.
Then that's what we will do.
Anonymous
83e81af
?
No.354108
354111
1576367581899.png
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d9h00sj-ab95c484-5e30-4b65-963e-1e033679ff43.jpg
>>354018
>Kiiiiid
I'm one year older than you.
Anonymous
a9b3d9e
?
No.354111
354113
FB_IMG_15817181029052743.jpg
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FB_IMG_15804776478198124.jpg
FB_IMG_15847400862340775.jpg
FB_IMG_15736184044099332.jpg
>>354108
Maybe? Never posted my age.
Dangerously based shimpost tho.
Anonymous
83e81af
?
No.354113
354152 354161
>>354111
>Maybe? Never posted my age.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUivBz1s0y8&ab_channel=ponyvangelist
>Dangerously based
This is who I am. I'm not gonna hide that... Any longer!!!
>>354070
Though, I started thinking. What if you shitpost and I write something more serious. Like not super serious that's gonna take time to write but something more plot oriented. I don't feel in the mood for shitposting nor do I really think that I'm that good at it tbh.
Besides comedy works best with contrast, as wise black man E;R once said, "If everything is exaggrated nothing is."
Anonymous
83e81af
?
No.354114
6424800.png
1573754934970.png
horse_butt.png
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Forgot images.
Anonymous
9c3692a
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No.354124
354130
>hero's birth parents were national socialists in WW2 and the hero saw them die helping him escape
>hero's birth parents were Waco'd recently, they died helping the hero escape, and WW2 happened decades earlier
>hero's birth parents were farmers killed by a communist mob and the cops refused to investigate or prosecute and the hero was sent to live with relatives as if nothing had ever happened even though the killers are still out there, WW2 happened decades earlier
>hero's birth parents were farmers attacked by a communist mob and his father gunned the commies down for tresspassing with intent to kill. Cops arrested him, mom sent hero to live with relatives, other commies arrived later to kill and rape mom, she went down shooting them and when she couldn't fight any more she blew her home up to kill the invaders and herself. Hero's dad can be rescued later in the story.

Which works better for my story?
Anonymous
83e81af
?
No.354130
354143
1cf4afb4389b4db61e0151704251a3af.jpg
>>354124
This is a bad question. I haven't read your story. You need to answer this one yourself. Afterall, it depends on what you're going for.
Anonymous
9c3692a
?
No.354143
354145 354152
>>354130
I know I have to be the one who decides on the final answer to these questions, but I was hoping to hear people's opinions on these answers.
The hero fleeing from the massacre of his family, looking back just in time to see them die to buy him the time to escape, only escaping with his little sister and the knowledge that his enemy is evil and he must protect his sister... It felt too emotional in a way that makes it feel unrealistic.
The hero and his sister getting sent away before the massacre and then learning about it later didn't have enough emotion behind it.
Anonymous
83e81af
?
No.354145
354148 354156
>>354143
But the thing is, I don't know what you're aiming for. All of those alternatives could work in the hands of a skilled writer.

If you are unsure of what level of emotion you want your begining to have, I guess you'll have to figure that out.

But if I'm suppose to come with sugguestions then I say copy this scene: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tcZ8hKbc-nE&ab_channel=Goobydolan
Though, you said something about not wanting your hero to have blue blood so I guess you could make the heroes parents of lower rank but still followers of the evil regime or somethin.
Anonymous
83e81af
?
No.354148
>>354145
I mean, you might as well. Just a sugguestion. It just popped into my mind.
Anonymous
50cf5c1
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No.354152
96A5EAA33E95AE2206D4C8CF0F0C9D78-3313386.gif
>>354143
>It felt too emotional in a way that makes it feel unrealistic.
I think it depends on how you go about it, more than the concept itself.
>>354113
Legitimately embarrassed for not picking that one.
>354114
So plenty bacon, and so few time.

Anonymous
9c3692a
?
No.354156
354164
>>354145
All of them could work in the hands of a skilled writer who's dedicated his life to the craft and abandoned all other hobbies and career paths, but there aren't enough hours in a day for everything I want to get good at even when nothing IRL gets in the way of my schedule.
I know the hero's real parents need to die early on doing the right thing and ensuring he survives and gets to a less violent place, so he can grow up there and feel disappointed in the people here who don't give a shit about anything but sportsball and booze and sex even as their money is worth less each day, their leader continues to be a libtard, and the rapefugees keep pouring in and demographically transforming this village for the worse. For every one guy drinking alone at the bar because his daughter got raped to death or chopped up or his son got killed or mugged, there are more retards who just don't care and won't ever care unless it affects them. The older generation has been pacified successfully and the protagonist runs a combination fight club and free speech comedy club illegal speakeasy with a few people his age intelligent enough to tell right from wrong.
The world governments standardized everyone's national anthems so every alcoholic tard at a bar can sing it together and then get on with watching Orcs kick balls around.
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.354161
354200
>>354113
Whatever type of story you want to work on is fine. When I say "shitpost" I don't necessarily mean the story itself has to be funny or silly, I just mean that I will be taking more of a laid-back approach to how I write it, without obsessing over planning or trying to make it perfect. Just kind of let the story turn into whatever it wants to turn into without worrying too much about the final product.
Anonymous
50cf5c1
?
No.354164
354201 354203
>>354156
They are probably equally good ideas. Likewise, not one of them is easier to write than the other.
I think that's what he's saying.
Anonymous
fab2cbf
?
No.354200
>>354161
>I just mean that I will be taking more of a laid-back approach to how I write it, without obsessing over planning or trying to make it perfect.
Yeah, that's the right approach.
Anonymous
fab2cbf
?
No.354201
6311515.jpg
>>354164
>I think that's what he's saying.
Indeed.
Anonymous
9c3692a
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No.354203
281.jpg
>>354164
Yeah, that makes sense.
I shouldn't let the fear of making any part of my writing "too much" hold me back. I'm writing a story here, not a product intended for mass market appeal. If I wanted broad appeal and a reliable steady paycheck I'd study digital art and paint female superheroes with their tits out. This isn't tits. It's why I'm making the fun one first, before I make the serious story.
Putting the war further in the past gives it a mythical sense of weight like a creation myth, a tale of Gods and Titans warring to make the world what it is today, and making the mob that destroyed the protagonist's normal life motivated by the world government's dishonest retelling of that war makes the weight that time period and the lies about it have on the hero's life clear.

I wrote a scene where the hero uses the magic powered water filtering device he built and explains to his new adoptive parents "No, this one won't blow up" and it works as character writing but it also rapidly infodumps how magic does and doesn't work in this setting. No wizards are going to magic away problems that need to be solved with blood and soil. His new mom cares for her new sons wellbeing but is also a huge pussy terrified of going against the grain and his new dad is a cuckservative twat with no intellectual insight into the modern world or the world of lies he grew up in. Dad doesn't want his son "wasting his time" with anything intellectual, he wants his son to be okay with the life of a debt slave labourer with a paycheck that effectively shrinks by the week (hyperinflation) and no hope of upwards mobility or a stable future. He's the kind of guy who's in denial about how bad things really are. My own father inspired this guy but I toned him down a lot so he isn't a physically and mentally abusive alcoholic pedophile obsessed with escapism and yelling at his wife and kids over money he wasted. His habit of shouting and throwing to establish authority or cucking immediately to adults unintimidated by him isn't reflected in this tale. Adoptive dad only inherited the guy's fucking retarded views on whether technology is anything worth pursuing a career in and whether his son's obvious technical talents should be nurtured or loathed. My father was also a cuckservative and my mother was a libtard or cuckservative depending on what allowed that maliciously narcissistic bitch to feel superior to others in the moment. The hero's caring adoptive mother was a complete fabrication, I don't know what those look or sound like IRL so I'm exclusively drawing from fiction here and women I've met. Kind of fucked up how designing all those new swords was so much easier for me than this. Then again mechanical principles and the laws of physics are always the same no matter what you're reading unless the author's being weird. You should see the hero's personal sword, it's fucking sick. I thought about giving him an energy sword of purest holy light but it felt too immaterial and imaginary so I gave him a big bulky fuckhuge sword he designed himself to suit his might and that felt right. Symbolically swords are the basic cliche hero weapon and he knows that. Swords are also traditional, and he uses traditional swordsmanship while his enemies just swing weapons. He starts with experience with Bows and learns Swordsmanship and Light Magic over the course of the story.

Does anyone know of any stories with well written mothers they can recommend?
Anonymous
9c3692a
?
No.354257
The idea of "Witch Hunters" is usually used to give a fictional evil government so called "fascist undertones" by making its dedicated anti-magician police force visually ape the jew's distorted presentation of the Gestapo. It gives the oppressed person magic he can use to make overthrowing the dictatorship easier. "They hate us because we're better than their silly society with its military heirarchies and childishly exaggerated visible signs of corruption" is just easy to understand.

The government sends these people after you because they hate and fear you.
All because you are something you cannot change or control, because of a natural talent you could control if you met the right people and might consider using against the enemy. They come for you, for no fault of your own, and if they don't kill you or imprison you for life or make you work against your kind to escape what they want to do to the rest of you, they torture you for no reason or attempt to "cure" you via tortures a perverted jew dreamed up when he caricatured medieval era punishments.

It's something from the realm of fiction. Something forcefully embedded into man's cultural pool of shared ideas like a STD donated by the jews.

It's the typical "they hate you because you are different" trope twisted to fit the oppression fantasy and jewish or homosexual or jewish homosexual fantasy of their own imagined supremacy. It isn't an understanding of what the jew is doing and deserves, it's all based in baseless fear. It isn't disgust towards the faggot, no, it's homo-phobia, an irrational fear like the fear of infinity, spiders, and infinite spiders.

It's a strong cultural idea but where the idea that the invading horde of soulless enemies (probably from an inhospitable awful place forcing them to be this way like Mordor or an icy wasteland or space because how else could anyone act so monstrously towards us) flee like orcs or fade like ghosts or shut down like drones or die like aliens if you take out the warlord/alien mothership/king/sorceror in charge comes from mythologizing Genghis Khan, this comes from the Jewish attempt to rewrite the truth. Mythologizing oppression they never faced, fantasies of witch-hunting book-burning Christian Catholic whites with iron maidens and rooms full of BDSM gear, fantasies to try and get other groups to imagine this and other retarded YA dystopia cliches as what oppression looks like even though we live in a dystopia.

And so I'm not sure if I should apply it to my setting when so much of it is informed by real shit the uninformed deny.

Even though it would be great for my story if the hero or his sister was caught illegally practicing magic or accused of doing that, and the hero's adoptive mother (who won't fight for a cause but wouldn't mind dying for one) sacrifices herself to get arrested by saying "I'm the magician, not them" and the hero's father just sulks obesely and refuses to fight and try to save that woman from the anti magic gulag even after the hero calls him a faggot.

Everything in my story is inspired by reality, except the bird people, who have a based Service Guarantees Citizenship society that could work in reality. Would it be cheating to use this idea people are used to associating with tyrants and the othering of innocents and the persecution of others?
Anonymous
9c3692a
?
No.354501
>kids from the future show up to say "The future we're from is suffering because you lost, and we time travelled to help you win this time!"
I like time travel plots but I didn't like the way it says the hero would be doomed to fail if not for something physically impossible like time travel. So the hero won the first time, but didnt kill all the villains, and the survivors time travelled first to cheat, making it okay for the surviving heroes with nothing to lose to time travel to set things right.
And because these future kids know the consequences of treating the enemy with kid gloves, they know more than anyone else what the enemy deserves and they're prepared to give it to them.
It means more work for me because now I have to give every character children, but fuck it, I'm already going all out.
Anonymous
d624b24
?
No.354630
No matter how many mechanical high tech arm designs I go through in ideation, none of them look right on the protagonist. He has to have one metal arm for the sake of the story and gameplay but fuck me, designing high tech arms is hard.
Does anyone here have any suggestions?
Besides "just make the prosthetic arm look like a normal one except when it comes off or splits apart or does whatever else the arm needs to do".
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.354764
When talking to a published writer about how I had my protagonist read a book during his work break - fantasizing about being in the book and fighting alongside its fictional heroes to justify a segment of playable fun violence halfway through a sequence of characterization and worldbuilding scenes without any gameplay, and to display that the hero wants to save lives and be a hero even though the world won't let him be a hero right now - he said something to me.
He asked me "Why are you trying to fit your story idea around what you think the gamer audience will want? Do you really think gamers will get impatient, ignore the story you're writing and the world you're creating, and drop your game if you ask them to go five whole minutes without clicking a button to put an axe through someone's face?"
I didn't have an answer for that.
Maybe I've been going about this all wrong.
Videogames work best with simple stories you can express in a few lines during combat or between moments of combat.
This complicated work of political fiction inspired by the real world might not be suited to the medium of videogames after all.