/mlpol/ - My Little Politics


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Writefag Support Circle: A Gathering of Based Gentlemen Who Smoke Pipes.
Anonymous
78d7e52
?
No.336928
336929 336941 336955 337011 338530 357376
Hello. This is the second thread of the writefag circle, here: >>299458 →

Basically all that is said in that OP applies to this one but I'll go through the 'rules' of this thread here as well.

So, the main point of this thread is to facilitate and enable Anons' writefagging; in a similar way pride facilitates and enables aids.;^P The Anons in this thread can be seperated into two camps: Anons who wants help with their writing project(s) and Anons that feel inclined to help those aforementioned shrek-colored skinheads.

Crafting and beta-reading is what we do here, any critique of literature not made by a guy submitted for this thread should be incidental; it should be when you —as a beta-reader of fics posted ITT— make a comparision between the fic your reviewing and some other story for the sake of demonstrating your point, whatever it is.

This is NOT: A review thread for unsolicited rants about random media which does not fall into the mold for how to use a refrence in this thread described in the above paragraph. Meaning if you're not using —like, let's pick something arbitrary— Naruto for a comparision in your critique of someone's writing itt, then don't bring it up. I understand that tangents can happen and if it's like a few exchanges with a pair of posters; then it's fine. However, don't make this a pattern and also move whatever off-thread-topic discussion to a more fitting board/thread. There's after all no problem with finding someone to converse with and share perspectives on a subject you care about but just take it to an appropriate thread. Sidenote: Nigel, these rules applies to you in a stricter fashion because I would not have to detail them with this much precision if it weren't for you.

I hope that I haven't scared anybody off. This is still suppose to be a chill af thread. Funposting is very much allowed and encouraged. It really is more that some type of posting —like, things that are completely irrelevant to the thread— does not belong here. I know, rocket-science and a rule that is seldom seen and highly unique for this thread. Perhaps you could call it a... Novelty. (You) intelligent lurker, obviously get the subtext of this OP so you probably won't need to worry about any of this. I'd say if you're unsure if what you're about to post belongs in the thread, then post it anyway. The worst that can happen is that someone tells you to move it to another thread and you get a better insight of what post belongs in thread. If you consist on fish and chips, however, I'd sugguest you think twice on what you're posting and perhaps even ask beforehand if your rant about lefties and Undertale belongs here.

If there are any questions on the OP, ask away?
631 replies and 148 files omitted.
Anonymous
9f5a4f9
?
No.348891
>>348429
Yes. A lot of the best content in the FiM fandom is fan content.
Anonymous
dd7f0d5
?
No.348894
>>348889
Correct. You do get to see more about a franchise you liked tho, if you actually happen to enjoy the fic of course.
>>348890
If it's fun for you, that should be enough.
Anonymous
4a31842
?
No.349581
>The mind is a terrible thing to waste
Writer appreciation time.
At 6:46 the video on the psychics details The Mastermind, a brain in a tank.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sydlO9EdY-I
It's a goofy concept. A tank in a brain that psychically fucks with you. Very retrofuture. Like rayguns and thunderbolt-spitting tesla tanks. I could see Flash Gordon or Batman fighting this.
But this brief bit of backstories paints the brains in tanks as something horrifying.
Something unnatural.
Something worth talking about for reasons beside its gameplay effect without overlooking it.
There's a brain in a tank made from the brains of many people, and it's fucked up.
The experimentation never ends, not even in death.
Brains in a jar were in Fallout Equestria because they are enemies in Fallout to shoot at and be shot by.
No deep story was told here. No mystery. Littlepip is not answering a call for help from a voice on the PA system that turns out to be a brain in a jar eager to betray her. Littlepip does not explore a facility learning the secrets of "brain in a jar on a roomba with a gun" construction while vomiting and learning "volunteer" experimentation candidates included homosexuals, sociopaths in the military, POWs, the elderly, the incurably insane, assorted state dependents, peace protestors, unpeaceful protestors, and other undesirables.
These robobrains were not kind cute little ponies turned bad by science gone wrong. This was not a failed attempt to cure the disabled with robotic bodies or get injured soldiers back on the front lines despite zebra potion-induced multiple organ failure leabing them with nothing but brains.
Littlepip does not try to save or cure the robobrains or go out of her way to put them out of their misery and hunt them down wherever she hears rumors of them roaming.
These are just targets that popped up in her shooting gallery. She acts like a completionist gamer detatched from the game's reality when the author doesn't want maudlin scenes of overemotional sobbing.
But the brain tanks don't need maudlin sobbing to get the point across.
These psychic guys are fucked up. It's just enough of a reminder of the darkness and edge behind all the fun goofy alt history future tech RTS game.
Anonymous
4a31842
?
No.349848
Does fimfic's rule that MLPFIM fanfictions must have something to do with the characters or world of FIM at the time of uploading negatively restrict the types of stories that can be uploaded?
If I wanted a story on there featuring OCs in another world, and Twilight won't show up in their world until chapter 7, chapter 1 would need some microscene where Twilight shows up and exists for a bit just to reassure the audience that she is in this story and will eventually get meaningful screentime.
Or I could prewrite the whole thing and then upload it. But what typical brony would read 12k word of not ponies just to get to the part where Twilight shows up?
Anonymous
4a31842
?
No.350123
>book lover friend proofreads story
>calls my political biases too obvious
>calls my handling of political issues too one sided and clunky
>complains about length of time characters spend preaching truth to liars and retards
>stops reading before getting to the jew stuff because my handling of monarchies was "that bad"
"My old writing was worse about that"
>"Then I'm glad you didn't show me your old writing"

Guys how do you write about a good prince* of a good kingdom ruled by his evil retard father who must be overthrown for his jewery without being obvious about it?

*I'm doing the Sokka thing where he starts off dumb and grows
Anonymous
34e6069
?
No.350309
horsefucker.png

Anonymous
fe0bceb
?
No.350495
350729 350803
Maybe the biggest problem with Fallout Equestria Lionheart is that its overtly political nature turns away tards just here for more Fallout Equestria inspired bang bang shooty wangst maudlin "just like in Fallout 3!" funtimes.

And when the story takes the side of workers instead of authoritarian weaklings who outnumber the good, that political bias is too overt. But it's all too complicated to work.

I need something simpler and less niche. Something approachable that works even if any political angle is ignored. I should construct something simple and understandable out of ideas that have been done before and recontextualize them with their new context.

How's this?

>be ordinary farmboy
"Gee, it sure is boring around here"
>servants of the dark lord attack your farm
>fight them off with your friends, one will eventually betray you for evil and die for that
>lord emperor malbad sent his goons to kill you because the youngest and oldest must die to satisfy strict population controls enforced by a mad king who claims he's doing this for the earth goddess's life force
>there is no earth goddess, only a dragon of light and a dragon of darkness. Malbad claims the light and dark dragon are the same to confuse retards and make them worship earth goddess
>dad just wants to grill and knows nothing but doesnt want to make trouble
>mom thinks working for the enemy will save them
>Mom and Dad swear they complied with all of malbads orders, having no kids and eating no meat and singing no songs and never riding horses, and to save their skins they sell the hero out but they are rewarded as traitors deserve and killed by the goons to show how evil they are
>heroes arrive and save farmboy, tell him he's the sole survivor of a town the villains genocided because prophecy states a hero from there will overthrow evil. Also his parents were faggots who found him in a basket down by the river
>you know, like in Kung Fu Panda 2 or Star Wars but different. Hero is the chosen one
>malbad brainwashed the king of hero's land with dark magic, the only cure is beheading the king
>the hero has an unusual hair and eye colour
>hero's people were the best and fought back the darkness for everyones safety but when the darkness convinced human kingdoms to destroy each other instead of working together the darkness started winning and the hero is the last of a race everyone is raised to revile for being born with naturally blue hair
>many villains dye their hair and bleach their skin and get nose surgery to look more like the heros people but its all fake and they cannot grasp what really made his people able to succeed where others failed
>there is also a cute imaginary fantasy race the heroes must save from the villains by killing the villains. Just in case nobody reading wants to see the heroes save humans, the cute nonhumans need saving too.
>hero has a little sister he didnt know about until now, a princess malbad captured
>he must save her from being married to a splodistani oil merchant and molested before it is too late, any zogbot cop or soldier who gets in his way must be beheaded and to say otherwise would enable rape
>it's okay to kill cops when they get in the way of saving kids, metal gear rising said so
>malbad also summons demons to overrun the heroes land, they must perish because they contribute no value and only rape and consume and breed mostly through rape, they must be slaughtered for their sins and chased back into hell from whence they came
>in some scenes heroes read the villains cult's bible of darkness and laugh together at all the weird gay shit irl villains actually believe. Or react with disgust. Depends on the myth.
>heroes reject modernity and embrace tradition to get buff and find the strength to overthrow foreign tyrants and all diseased power structures turned against the heroes by the tyrants
>malbad is malthusian thanosism preached by a diseased old tyrannical cultist with all the worlds dictators working for him and he's draining the earth's life to prolong his own while blaming the negative environmental effects of this and his industry on the heroes people so dipshits will die trying to kill him to please a nonexistent earth goddess while dragon christ facepalms and dragon satan laughs.
>in the final battle Malbad gets FUCKING RIPPED using the power of darkness aka evil magic roids when satan dragon flies into him, but this strength decays quickly because he is not used to fighting or exerting himself, also being penetrated by satan is unnatural and it's destroying his body
>heroes kill the villain, flowers bloom, nature recovers, retards stop believing lies, no more corrupt kings, those genocided by the villains rise from the dead and congratulate the heroes because dark king malbad the megacuntish was draining their life and storing their souls in his magic gem of evil which the heroes broke
>jesus dragon also escaped the crystal and can protect his people again
>hero's real parents say they are proud of him for ending the degeneracy of darkness forever
>everyone throws a big party and the hero kisses his spunky tomboy gf who becomes trad and impregnated
>and the heroes of insertnamehereia lived happily ever after

Is this better than Fallout Equestria Lionheart?
Anonymous
fe0bceb
?
No.350729
350731 350732
>>350495
Am I asking the wrong question?
Anonymous
4128987
?
No.350731
350735
>>350729
Dude, let it go
Anonymous
4128987
?
No.350732
350735
>>350729
And by that, I don't mean 'pretend' to let it go and then come back weeks/months later. It doesn't matter anymore. Just relax.
Anonymous
fe0bceb
?
No.350735
350736
>>350731
>>350732
I don't understand what you're saying. I've moved on from caring about Fallout Equestria, now I'm writing Fire Emblem: Cool Name Pending.
Asking if it's better than Failout Equeerstrionics is probably the wrong question.
I should ask if this FE plot outline properly conveys the right tone and message or if I'm cramming too many ideas into one story again.
Anonymous
4128987
?
No.350736
350790
>>350735
>I dont understand
Credit for consistency
Anonymous
fe0bceb
?
No.350790
350793 350801
>>350736
Instead of smugposting, can you clarify what you mean?
What should I "Let go"? My desire to write and improve my writing?
Should I stop bringing up Fallout Equestria? I can do that.
But why do you only have 3 posts in this thread?
Anonymous
f633e54
?
No.350793
350801 350804
>>350790
Business first.
If you're insistent on writing a FoE fic, that's your choice.
Ask yourself, what are you trying to accomplish. You seem intent on objectives outside of writing a good story. Politics this, redpilling that; nobody reads fics to be proselytized or propogandized at. They read fics because they want MORE authentic content in their preferred genre, since the canon well has dried up.
Gaykat didnt do it right, because he wasnt focused on writing a FIMfic. He wanted to write Fallout with ponies. But ponies are just an element, the source of the fandom is Friendship is Magic. If you want to do something superior, return to the roots. It's okay if the protag has growth to experience, but generally the protag should be the one TEACHING that Friendship is Magic, not he one being taught. THAT is what will.make the protag identifiable, appreciable, and worth rooting for.
We can agree (I hope) that FoE is effectively devoid of anything that made FiM good, paying only lip service to canon characters as stand ins for Fallout characters, places, and circumstances, to promote his self insert mary sue. Did FiM have a mary sue (dont go there about Glimmer)?

As for post counts, Idgaf. You should know by now which one I am, I never change my password and make no illusion of who I am. I'm still rooting for you in my own way, but Imo you need to approach this from a completely different idea if you want to succeed at wat you have set out to do.
Anonymous
ba7d577
?
No.350801
350803
>>350793
>Ask yourself, what are you trying to accomplish. You seem intent on objectives outside of writing a good story. Politics this, redpilling that; nobody reads fics to be proselytized or propogandized at. They read fics because they want MORE authentic content in their preferred genre, since the canon well has dried up.
This. I once read a story which agreed with me on all points but was so ridculous that I didn't care for it.

I experinced this with your, >>350790
, writing as well, were your characters tell the reader about politics instead of having the story prove your point by showing this through the story.
Anonymous
ba7d577
?
No.350803
>>350801
>your characters*
The emphasize should be on the "tell" afterwards.

Anyway, so I read this: >>350495
In a way parts of it is more symbolic rather than explicit dialogue between characters, which makes it more like what I described above.
Though, this greentexted synopsis, is kinda unfocused. It has a plot of stopping the bad guys underneath it but there are so many clear symbolism that stand out.
It's not like this couldn't work but it could use some subtlety.
Anonymous
fe0bceb
?
No.350804
350806
peemeljcmp341.jpg
>>350793
I remember a time when people called Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash mary sues because they were so talented and special and important compared to their friends, as if any of that's a bad thing. It made those people dislike the characters but what would be the point in changing them to be less important and limiting the stories that can be told with them or adding extra importance to Twilight's friends by making Rarity the lost heir of a long gone magical empire and Fluttershy the ultimate doctor? Sueishness is just a collection of traits many well-written excellently handled characters get away with having because they are interesting. People call a character "sue" when it's too much for them but everyone has their own tastes and opinions about this sort of thing. Ma-Rey Sue from nu Star Wars is a dull grey blank slate for self-insertion and is sueish to a degree I'd call satirical if I thought they could write anything that funny on purpose. Silver was an obnoxious cunt and he would have been just as obnoxious a person if he was broke and magicless. Instead of worrying about sueishness I should focus on making my characters entertaining, compelling, gripping, and nuanced. Relatability is a false god, that's what the geniuses behind Avatar The Last Airbender said in their prime.

I'm still writing FIM fanfiction but this writing project about Moses Spyro learning ancient european magical swordplay and rising up with an army to overthrow Senator Armstrong Von Bolt is going to be something original. Trying to shoehorn this original story into ponyland would just get in the way, probably. Making the heroes canon ponies in an alternate timeline and the villain Chrysalis would make things easier for fimfic readers to get but I want this to be a universally appealing story of a hero rising up to destroy evil, not some preachy chick tract about the evils of inflation, fiat currency, rapefugees, gun control, speech control, niggers, and ursury with ponies shoehorned in. My first draft of this story didn't get finished before I noticed it had too many political rants that got in the way of the story and the characters, and not enough scenes of the heroes being people the audience should feel for and root for.
Anonymous
3ea815f
?
No.350806
350820
1574337987799.jpg
>>350804
I am justified to doubt you. But this post is pretty much on point for me. Sounds like something I would actually enjoy a lot.
Anonymous
fe0bceb
?
No.350820
350847
>>350806
I also find it hard to believe anyone could call Twilight or Rainbow too sueish for their tastes. Sure taste is subjective but they are missing the point. It's not any one sue trait that makes a sue, it's when mishandling of that trait harms the story. And even in such a case it's the fact that the trait was mishandled that damaged the story, not the trait itself.
Bad writers will still make bad stories if they think making a good story is as simple as not making obvious mistakes when writing one. They put all their energy into trying to write safe inoffensive content full of safe inoffensive characters because if they tried anything harder they'd make egregiously bad characters and learn nothing from the experience. Dumb fanfiction communities often share delusions about what traits are and are not off limits and how you should and shouldn't write, as if most fanfiction authors are just supposed to avoid writing about original character Eevees/Uchihas/Keyblade Wielders because "They're supposed to be rare". Smart ones don't say gay shit like that. Here's a novel idea for those kingdom hearts fanfiction obsessed losers out there, if they're sick of reading about Harry Potter's Uchiha half-Eevee OC twin sisters maybe instead of telling the fandom to write fewer of them they should read a real book!
People complain about how Fire Emblem Fates had to bend over backwards to justify Corrin the protagonist joining the villains of Darkland and helping them conquer the heroes of Lightopia, constantly making enemies kill themselves or get killed by friends of Corrin to keep his hands clean, or in the worst moments, doing a scene where Corrin slaughters countless enemies only for the subsequent talking scene to insist all of that stabbing, crushing, burning, zapping, and cursing was nonlethal. Corrin's a blank slate for self insertion power fantasies but choices made by the player rarely make sense for the character, and the authors are unwilling to make the conflict morally grey or the story of Evil Corrin or Good Corrin On Team Evil fun. You don't meaningfully reform Darkland or hold it back from going over the edge. They wanted to combine Important Chosen One Lord and Tactician into one character and they didn't want him to be too similar to the previous game's generically heroic Prince Chrom or sarcastic nerdy strategy game-loving book-reading Tactician Robin so they made Corrin as bland as bread and twice as stale and uninteresting. Fates was a mess, a missed opportunity to make something good with these ideas. Fans blame Corrin and call him the worst part of the game even though Peri exists (fuck Peri) but the whole setting's a mess, the writers just weren't doing enough of whatever they snorted when they made Three Houses and Awakening. I still think the Supports system is a bad idea. By making scenes where most possible combinations of characters interact and grow closer skippable unlockable content you waste effort writing shit the reader will only see 10% of and you'll never be able to definitively know where the player is in the game's story and what growth the character has gone through when writing these scenes. Strange characters can't have some relationships where they do get more normal and some where they don't or we end up with Peri style situations where it seems she's only the way she is because she isn't trying hard enough to be normal. Strange characters who get normal can't have their normalcy reflected later. Shy characters will never stop freaking out over nothing and nonhumans who hate humans but fall in love with one will be right back to snapping snippily at humans the next time she starts a conversation with one. Cordelia will always lust for Chrom even if she's married to Robin. Annoying characters will still say "Teehee I love violence" even if their lover told them to cut that shit out. All of this optional growth can't carry on outside the unlockable bonus scenes. These bonus scenes should be written like bonus scenes to compliment character arcs that get to matter outside the bonus scenes.
Anonymous
0e04296
?
No.350847
350852
>>350820
>>>/ub/5970 →
Anonymous
4128987
?
No.350852
>>350847
>>>/sp/20315 →
unrelated question
Anonymous
fe0bceb
?
No.351395
>start fantasy story with how the world was made because FIM did that
>proofreader calls this homosexual
>start story with the protagonist's dream about big titty bitches
>then he wakes up and goes to church and the preacher reminds everyone how the world was made
I'm getting good at this, right?
Anonymous
fe0bceb
?
No.351459
351460
>be farmboy who works on a farm
>have to take a steam train somewhere so something can be overheard on the radio during the trip, before he goes to a shithole city dominated by the enemy far more than his hometown
>he goes back home afterwards
Why does he take the train somewhere?
Anonymous
10d278c
?
No.351460
351465
>>351459
He needs to work a job there to support his family and keep from losing his farm because the world is in a economic crisis.
Anonymous
fe0bceb
?
No.351465
351466
>>351460
But he already works a full-time job doing all the farmwork for his boomerfag adoptive parents. What kind of hard and "demeaning" job could he get (not prostitution) without taking too much time away from the farm?
he has to come back home at the end of the day to see his farm being burned down by servants of the dark lord. he's almost killed only to be rescued by a hero who kills a cop for him and passes him a weapon, forcing him to begin rebelling against tyranny.
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.351466
351469
>>351465
Well if he's that hard up, why is he ruling out prostitution? Seems like he's not in a position to turn down a good offer if he gets one.
Anonymous
fe0bceb
?
No.351467
352693
Am I laying this on too thick?
>be farmboy
>get invite to capital city to meet mysterious author
>with first class train ticket
>enter first class carriage, opulent and sinfully decadent
>karens request your removal
>get stuck in to overcrowded poor carriage full of strangers, standing room only, no seats, only a bucket to piss and shit in
>radio says foreshadowing shit
>get to Whitefall City
>it's smoggy victorian london with a river of shit due to overburdened sewers in the rapefugee infested city
>there are poor doors. Doors for the poor. There is a legless homeless military veteran in danger of freezing to death in the cold. Some foreigners live in bunk beds with strangers struggling to afford rent as they do bottom tier jobs at rock bottom prices or less. Hookers are in the street. Signs warn people not to swim or fish in the shit river
>Tell a normalfag about London while calling it a fictional place and he would call it unrealistic. Might even call it heavy handed symbolism that the browning of London browned the Thames.
>hero wonders if the countryside will ever get as bad as this place. Is this the future he must sacrifice to see? Is it worth it? Is working for this system worth it?
>author turns out to be your childhood friend, now a cute girl
>parents taught her to read and write, she made books and got rich inside the system providing entertainment for the rich
>offers to take you out for a good time and catch up and offers you a job as a butler living with them
>also gives you money to keep your farm afloat for a while
>or if hero's boomer adoptive parents mortgaged the farm away years ago only to waste the cash on cruises while he was left at a friends house at age 4, gives hero what he needs to buy his own house and a farm they cant give to the bank. Hero needs money for later.
>go to restaurant and enjoy nice food
>protags devour like starving animals who might never see good food again
>rich author girl smiles. Almost forgot what that looked like after so much isolation from the poor
>characters talk about shit that happened during their lifetimes, subtly giving the viewer exposition seamlessly
>restaurant explodes, killing nice girl
>a muslim rapefugee who couldnt get laid and wishes he was put in a nicer hotel suicide bombed it with the one muslim invention: a dynamite vest
>I mean an orc performed a dark magic suicide bomb spell. Because he couldnt get laid and wishes he was put in a nicer hotel. It was a nice hotel, he just felt entitled to a better one
>hero was injured but wakes up in a hospital
>cries
>he was about to tell her he always had a crush on her, because he did
>rich parents tell protag to fuck off home and blame him because she would have been at home that day if not for the protagonist hero guy
>hero goes home sad thinking about how evil Orcs are
>radio blames society and white men for not doing enough to make life good enough for the muslims they import
>hero hates Orcs now, his racist catgirl friend was right
>goes home sad
>farm is on fire when he gets home, military force is used
>somebody reported the farm and they're searching it for something illegal
>try surrendering but the cops try to kill you
>get saved by man who kills cops and takes you to based armed christian compound
Anonymous
fe0bceb
?
No.351469
>>351466
At the start of the story the protagonist is too young for me to write him saying yes to any offer he's given.
Perverts living in the nice parts of libtard land away from all the crime, entertaining themselves with degeneracy, might offer him money for sex. But he has to say no. Because he doesn't want to, and because I don't want him to.
Anonymous
bbe96a8
?
No.351614
351641
Combining the smartphone, a device that tracks you and your vitals and your stuff and what you do, a radio, a device that broadcasts establishment voices to the masses, and an arm mounted device that reminds me of a Paroled Criminal's tracker...
That's an interesting idea symbolically, especially if it can't be removed. Some say North Korean propaganda radios can't be turned off and the only TV channels praise their dictator endlessly. Add a credit card, social credit score device, and shock collar all in one and it becomes something even more dystopian. It could taze you for stepping outside the lines, getting too close to some people, eating the wrong things. It could make your food cost more or deny you from purchasing certain kinds of food. Rich cunts with a higher social credit score for their tireless feminine efforts to root out unorthodoxy could abuse the system and demand your removal, "blocking you" irl by getting you banned from public places or making your shock collar beep threateningly if you get too close and zap you if you don't get away quickly enough. A rich rapist could do that to a victim she normally wouldn't be able to physically overpower without the shock collar. Some people feel the weight of the oppression, they're thinking people who try to hide it to fit in. And some retards play smartphone games on their glorified slave collar, wasting their paycheck and time, pacified and domesticated and homogenized and normiefied, oblivious to the world.
If a tool explicitly meant to keep its wearers in line end up jailbreaking its code to get off the grid and use the device against those in charge that's pretty symbolic too. Going outside the system to find justice.
I can't believe Fallout 3 and FE stumbled upon something like this idea accidentally. FE tried doing something by making one horse not want to wear it, despite the lack of downsides and the absurd superpowers it brings, but that was just so the author can suck LP off for being a hyper talented instant expert at everything while pretending it's all due to her overpowered gear and her ass-talent symbol in using a user-friendly cheat device and not plot armour.
I want to call it the M-Brace. Because it sounds like embrace, except it's a nonconsensual one forced onto you by those in power. The government calls their domination of you a loving enbrace. And you'll only see something wrong with the government forcing itself onto you if you're smarter than the average normie.
I hate knowing that if I gave my character an arm mounted computer tards would say "hurr durr your ripping off fallout 4 mY fAvOrItE gAmE".
Anonymous
efde116
?
No.351627
351931 353867 353929
2337194__safe_solo_female_pony_mare_simple+background_earth+pony_transparent+background_hat_ponified_bow_tail+bow_artist-colon-envygirl95_higurashi+n.png
This was my submission for the Iron Author competition at EFNW this year. You can tell from the ending that I ran out of time, but I rather liked what I came up with and was planning on finishing it. I was curious what you guys thought. Also, I didn't win the competition, though I wasn't really expecting to.

https://ponepaste.org/7918
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.351641
351657
>>351614
What does any of this have to do with writing?
Anonymous
bbe96a8
?
No.351657
351668
>>351641
The idea of the pipbuck is perfect for exploring dystopian themes but gay story gayly used it because it was in video gayme.
Then again, maybe I shouldnt put this in my work.
Maybe I should stop trying to write propaganda and just try to write good stories.
Zootopia was close enough to our world to make people relate it to the real world.
Beastars, not so much.
Handjob's Tale takes its distorted view of the right and distorts it further into an incoherent mess. It's there to push the unhinged further left and put a symbol in their programming. When they see the women dress like handjobs tail they say "This is literally like handmaid's tale" instead of "This is literally like Harry Potter".
At its core my story is one of a million third rate monomyth ripoffs. It's fun, but not smart. Propaganda can't work on smart people. Anyone who would be interested in a story where rejecting modernity and embracing tradition is the answer already knows the truth. If my story is about a farmer fighting for justice to overthrow the dictatorship is there any reason that my protag has to go to the capital just to see how awful shit is there? Does the story need to include one obligatory good rich person to contrast all the bad ones, make a side character of her so she can react to stuff normal in the hero's life as a fish out of water? I fucked up my FE story in many ways and one was trying to shoehorn in social issues with all the subtlety and grace of a wokist lecturer. How do I avoid that mistake with this one?
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.351668
351705
>>351657
I actually have a reading assignment for you if you're interested. There's no actual work involved beyond reading a book and it's entirely up to you whether or not you want to do it. However it's probably going to help you a lot more than just asking the same questions over and over again.

Go on Amazon, or if you don't want to buy from them go to whatever your bookstore of preference is, and search for a novel called The Elementary Particles by Michel Houellebecq. It may actually be called Atomization in the UK, I'm not sure. But you should be able to find it easily enough under either of those titles + the author name. It's basically a novel about the negative effects of the sexual revolution: some hippie thot gives birth to two sons and essentially abandons both of them. One grows up to be a sex-crazed incel and the other becomes an emotionally dead but otherwise successful biologist. I'm actually reading it myself at the moment. It's quite good and it struck me as a positive example of the kind of story you seem to be wanting to write. If you have any questions about the novel or would like to open a discussion about it, you're more than welcome to do so.

If you want to get good at anything, a good first step is to find someone who is better than you at it, observe their work, and try to see if you can figure out what they did. One of your many problems is that you just need to find some better inputs. Zootopia was a Pixar cartoon, and I don't know what the hell Beastars is, but I know you've mentioned it before and it sounds like complete fucking autism. I doubt you're going to learn much from either one.

Pick up something well-written and aimed at an adult audience ffs, give it a thoughtful read, and see if you can analyze it and pick out techniques the author used to get his point across.
Anonymous
c1ef9ee
?
No.351705
351930
>>351668
So far this is a really good book, I'm several chapters in. I got it from here https://b-ok.cc/ and while this isn't anything like what I'm trying to write reading more great books should help me improve my writing. Got any recommendations for books where one guy overthrows a government or joins an army or rebellion that overthrows a government? I know there are tons of trashy Y.A. books about that trying to ride the Hunger Games trend but I've never seen one of those as good as Hunger Games and Hunger Games wasn't even that good. Didn't focus enough on socioeconomic disparity and mocking the troonish outfits of the rich cunts, got too distracted by the love triangle.

Beastars is a severely autistic show about a wolf man who wants to fuck a whore rabbit girl, but their instincts and society get in the way, also society's bad. The longer it goes on, the weirder and less focused the writing gets. I don't think the author plans things before writing them. Seems that habit's common with female writers, JK Rowling didn't plan things either. Marauder's Map was made by three teenagers in their spare time, it tracks everyone's location at Hogwarts and shows you their true name. Shapeshift potions and invisibility cloaks don't fool it, not even the invisibility cloak that hid its wearer from death itself. The Weasley Twins Fred and George have the Map. Yet a villain's able to use shapeshift potion to impersonate the guy he has gagged and trapped in his suitcase, plus a traitorous cunt's able to hide out in little boy Ron Weasley's trousers living as his pet rat for years, and these two either never notice any of this or notice and never tell anyone or do anything about it. They don't even joke about how the name of a man their friend knew can be seen sleeping with their kid brother.
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.351930
351944
>>351705
>Got any recommendations for books where one guy overthrows a government or joins an army or rebellion that overthrows a government?
Probably the best thing I can recommend off the top of my head that fits that description is Faith of the Fallen by Terry Goodkind. It's technically the fifth book in a long-running series, but it's mostly a self-contained story so you could probably read it on its own. There might be some events that won't make sense without having read the previous books, but the main story is basically it's own thing. The series overall I think is basically good but kind of hit or miss, but that particular book is pretty well done as I remember. It's up to you whether you want to make the time investment of reading the whole series; you could probably get by with just starting on FotF and googling characters and events if anything confuses you.

Honestly though, even if it's not directly related to the specific type of thing you're trying to write, I really do recommend reading as much as possible, and to aim for higher-quality books. Talented authors have tricks and techniques that they use, and if you read enough of their work you will eventually start to absorb some of those tricks subconsciously. Your instinct to avoid modern YA books is right on the money; I would stick with this attitude. I've never read the Hunger Games books so I can't say if they're good or not, but my guess is that there's probably not much there. If you want to read quality books aimed at younger audiences, older classics are the way to go: the Chronicles of Narnia, The Hobbit, Alice in Wonderland; all of that. Roald Dahl's books are also quite good.

Main thing is just to read, and to read critically whenever possible. If you like something, try to analyze it and figure out why you like it. If you don't like something, try to figure out what the author is doing that irritates you. Probably the single best thing that has helped my writing improve is learning to do this.
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.351931
352047 352749
>>351627
Also, this is me, and in addition to this I'd like to request a read on the first chapter of something else I wrote:

https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/BkAnHiaxs

I've submitted this to the FimFiction thread on /mlp/ as well. Basically, it's a HiE mystery story with Philip Marlowe as the protagonist. Marlowe is the detective from Raymond Chandler's novels.
Anonymous
c1ef9ee
?
No.351944
352099
>>351930
Already read the Legend Of The Seeker/Sword of Truth books and saw the TV show. They're great!
Hunger Games had a little intelligent political commentary but it got swallowed whole by the teenage melodrama love triangle obsession. Poors are controlled with food, out of touch cunts in the Capitol obsess over image and garish tranny tier clothing and trying to out-fancy each other, the loss of child life in the system is more routine than someone actually damaging an eXpEnSiVe TaBlE, each American state that provides something valuable is denied from trading with each other freely and forced to provide for a disgustingly wasteful opulent govt that redistributes wealth as it sees fit(Texas makes x, Wisconsin makes y, Washington makes it difficult), the rich made hunting illegal, reality TV is blatantly rigged for ratings, the protag gets manipulated blindly to the point that she doesn't feel like an active driven protagonist with agency, and is only ever useful as a marketing symbol for the goodies or baddies, the rebellion that takes over stages a false flag bombing attack on children to piss people off and then immediately institute the New Hunger Games to show the rich how it feels to lose children but Catpiss shoots the new president and everything magically wraps itself up on its own, every kid gets their name in a lottery to see who fights in a ripoff of Dreadzone complete with Exterminators but to keep the middle class and poors from uniting poors are forced to enter their kids name into the lottery multiple times for bonus food portions(This part was left out of the movie probably so Catpiss's sister getting selected for Minecraft Hunger Games would feel more random and unfair), all of that's toned down in the movies. And nothing was really done with the political ideas. The baddies are bad because they make kids kill each other for sport, and the new rulers are bad if they also want to do that. But that's too far divorced from reality for anyone who reads it to think critically about their government and what it asks of them. They live under a government that wants them poor and loves making forms of self sufficiency like hunting illegal wherever it can but the target audience of tween girls and women with the brainpower of tween girls will walk away from this thinking "omg peeta and the other one r so cuuute" and everyone else walks away thinking "what a load of boring girly pandering shite". Ideally I'd like those who read my work to walk away thinking about politics instead of "Damn I'm glad I don't live in that world and nothing from there can ever happen here". I think that is what ruined a rough draft I am working on. I showed it to an apolitical writer friend who called it too dark and miserable.
Anonymous
922130f
?
No.352047
352090
>>351931
I read the first chapter of the detective story. It was neat. It's called muffians of madness which sounds like mountains of madness and the premise is reminicent of the prompt I made in one of my prompts threads. You said you made one for that thread, is this it? I must admit that I almost don't see it due to how it feels right now like a normal detective story rathar than a cosmic horror kinda deal. This is something I think is cool.
Anonymous
c1ef9ee
?
No.352078
>write opening chapter where hero's adoptive parents are abusive cunts
Pro writer friend: "Why is the hero fighting to save a world that's only ever treated him and his friends like shit? Why is he willing to believe the wise old wizard when he says hero's people used to be better before the Goblins took over?"
>hero does hours of farmwork while ranting to himself
Writer: please shorten this
>hero volunteers at church orphanage and argues with atheist cunts who dont help kids and only come here to insult christians and demand debates
Writer: ew no religion is cringe. You can't make the state religion evil and the oppressed religion good! You should make all religion evil because it's normal for media to do that.
>orcniggers break into hero's house and rape hero's adoptive mom when he's buying groceries
Writer friend: "You should make her and her husband less detestable so people won't cheer for the Orcs"

I knew I went too far with this.
I should add more not-evil old people and make the hero's parents decent people overall who are just too dumb and cowardly to notice you can't comply your way out of tyranny. Abusive obese alcoholic smoker dad will be changed to not throw beer bottles or insult his wife and mom will be changed from a narcissistic karen who insults her kid to a dozy cow. He knows redpilling these dumbfuck cuckservatives is impossible but at least they're not libtards. They're not evil, they're just not good enough to be heroes, so they don't rebel against tyranny.

Also I'm cutting the "hero gets cash for his farm, it burns, he hires mercenaries" idea. Hero should be dirt broke and hiring sellswords isn't as heroic as befriending fellow heroes and rising up.

Am I on the right track?
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.352090
canterlot_city_by_plainoasis_dbjfyyp.jpg
>>352047
>You said you made one for that thread, is this it?
Yeah, this is the one I was hinting at. I thought about posting it in that thread, but at this point my idea has diverged far enough from the prompt to where it didn't feel appropriate there. My story doesn't involve Trottingham, the protagonist doesn't ultimately end up in a nuthouse, and I didn't end up using Anon as the detective. I started out with Anon, but after awhile I basically realized I was just writing him as a blatant Philip Marlowe caricature. So I decided to just make Marlowe the actual protagonist and call it a crossover. Because of some specifics of the plot I decided Canterlot would work better as a setting than Trottingham. Also, ever since I came across this image I've been wanting to do a Canterlot story that uses this idea of the city as a model.

> I must admit that I almost don't see it due to how it feels right now like a normal detective story rathar than a cosmic horror kinda deal.
There actually is going to be some cosmic horror stuff, but it won't be coming in until a bit later. Right now I have the chapter you read, a draft of Chapter 2, and an outline of events through Chapter 5. I'll continue posting it here as I go.

>It's called muffians of madness which sounds like mountains of madness
Yep, you guessed it. A friend of mine actually bought an HP Lovecraft-themed cookbook, and there was a recipe in there called "the muffins of madness." It was too perfect not to use as a title for a Derpy story.
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.352099
352132
1607032245399.png
>>351944
>Already read the Legend Of The Seeker/Sword of Truth books and saw the TV show. They're great!
I may have actually recommended them to you before, now that I think about it. In any case, I'm glad you enjoyed them. If I think of anything else that specifically involves an uprising or a rebellion I'll let you know. Incidentally, while it's still kind of a non-sequitur as far as what we were actually discussing, you make a fairly articulate critique of the Hunger Games novels here. You clearly articulate what you liked about the novels, what you didn't like, and where you thought the movies missed the point. Nicely done; this is exactly what I mean when I say you should learn to read critically.

>Ideally I'd like those who read my work to walk away thinking about politics instead of "Damn I'm glad I don't live in that world and nothing from there can ever happen here".
Best advice I can give you here would be to stop trying to overtly force the reader to see a particular point of view. Trying to write a preachy political fable is almost always a bad idea; people can usually see through it and will be annoyed that you're trying to preach to them, regardless of the message. This goes double if you're trying to directly challenge what they already believe.

The best social-commentary stories are the ones that don't try to drag the reader in any particular direction. Instead, they take a sympathetic, relatable character and present whatever social situation they want to make a commentary on through that character's eyes. The focus is ALWAYS on the character's direct experiences in the world, and NEVER a top-down lecture on the setting's macro-problems. That's what I was hoping you'd see when I recommended the Houellebecq novel to you. It's a commentary on a very broad, world-level problem: sexual promiscuity, materialism, consumer culture, atheism and individualism have combined to create a world of atomized, love-starved hedonists for whom thinking up reasons not to blow their brains out is a legitimate daily struggle. However, it presents this problem directly from the perspective of the two main characters, rather than from a broad macro view. Moreover, it never explicitly tries to moralize. The narration is intentionally cold and detached; it just shows you what the world looks like through the eyes of these two characters, and leaves you to draw your own conclusions from what you've read.

I have another reading assignment for you if you're interested. Check out The Jungle by Upton Sinclair. This one is interesting for different reasons. Sinclair was a rabid Socialist, the story is an overt left-wing political fable, and he makes no effort to disguise it as anything else. However, 75% of the novel is a prime example of what a well-written political fable can look like (the 25% of it that isn't I'll address in a minute).

The story focuses on an immigrant from some Eastern European shithole, who comes to America for a better life and blah blah blah. He ends up working in a slaughterhouse for long hours under horrible conditions, gets repeatedly exploited in various horrible ways, loses his entire family to various levels of horrible exploitation, and blah blah blah; he just generally has an awful time of it. Sinclair's actual occupation was journalism, and the story is a well-researched and accurate portrayal of what working conditions were like in industrial cities around the turn of the previous century. It's an effective story because it makes its case for Socialism by showing the reader the sort of horrible conditions an average worker had to endure at that time. The reader can easily place themselves in the character's shoes and sympathize.

The point where the story goes off the rails and straight up an elephant's butthole occurs (iirc) about three quarters of the way through. The protagonist winds up at a Socialist Party meeting, and the author makes the unfortunate decision to turn this scene into an overt and LOOOOOOOOOOONG lecture on Socialism. Sinclair does everything I regularly advise you guys not to do: he takes all of the dry, staid, tedious, academic principles of Socialist thought, writes them out as huge block paragraphs, and dumps said paragraphs into the mouth of one of his characters, in this case the lady who is running the Socialist party meeting. When I had to write an essay on this book in college, I remember that I just straight up admitted that I'd skipped over this entire section of text because it was boring as fuck. It's worth noting that at the time, my political views were still more or less left-leaning and I didn't object to Socialism as a concept. Think about it: if your writing can't even hold the attention of someone who is basically sympathetic to your point of view, how much luck do you think you'll have convincing someone who is actively hostile to it?

The novel is well written overall, but that whole section of text is basically the 19th century equivalent of Starlight Glimmer Gets the Everloving Shit Kicked out of Her by Silver "I Literally Use my Ponut to Crack Open Watermelons" Star. Thus, I think The Jungle would be a good study for you: it simultaneously demonstrates how to write good social commentary, as well as how not to write it.

Incidentally, it's also worth noting that Sinclair ultimately achieved the wrong goal. The novel didn't accomplish much in terms of converting people to socialism; however, the graphic depictions of all the gross shit that took place in meat packing plants prompted a huge public outcry and led to stricter government health regulations for the pork industry. That's the other lesson about political fables: even a good writer has no actual power over the hearts and minds of his readers, and you can't force anyone to think anything. All you can do is present the world as you see it and hope you end up connecting with someone.
Anonymous
c1ef9ee
?
No.352132
>>352099
I'll read that meat story when I'm done with Holybbq's.
One sided political lectures are always gay. Was it gayer than the John Galt shit? I read that over a decade ago and I remember little of it.
Would it have improved the story and its effectiveness as propaganda if the most important aspects that political lecture wanted to say was instead conveyed through a brief speech the protag and a cunt heard, followed by a political argument between the righteous hero and the cunt? The author could make the cunt a poor defender of capitalism by giving him the IQ of a socialist's useful idiot.
Perhaps the only socialists in the story could be its only good people, and they could have a sentence or two of pro socialist thought now and then. Hero needs charity? "Well it would be wrong for me to hoard this wealth so here you go". Hero needs a place to stay? "Sure, crash on my couch. It would be cruel of me to make you freeze and starve on the street between an anti homeless gay rock and the spiked areas of condos with poor doors. You know in soviet russia they forced rich men to share their mansions with many poor families". Conveniently leaving out the downsides and pretending socialism is a nice thing socialists volunteer to do, when their tyrannical coercive rule is really anything but voluntary.
Or there could be a scene where the hero asks his evil boss for a wage and the ugly mean boss makes a brief sound defense of capitalism designed to make him sound callous and hypocrirical. Like that niggery propaganda movie about black slaves in white america, where a smug rich prick said "If we free the black slaves, we will become poorer and become their slaves" while dining on fine food. The filmmaker wanted the audience to hate him but when you think of all those white labourers struggling to afford living and working just to fund the government's love of funding jobless niggers and helping them breed, was he really wrong?

One scene I wrote was complimented by the proofreader who said other scenes need editing.

>be in merchant caravan ridding in horsed carriage in long trail
>suddenly the wagon stops
>libtards are blocking the road illegally
"Why the fuck are they sitting in the road" hero asks
"They know we won't trample them to death. They love exploiting our better nature like that". Merchant says. "They don't like that we ride horses because they think horse poop is bad for the environment, we dont let our animals rest enough, and horses eating grass is bad for nature."
"But all these horses waiting here will shit more on the roads. This is prolonging their journey, which makes our horses wait longer before they can properly rest without packs on their backs. These dangerous roads are full of bandits, who are they to make us stay outside when their government tells us to stay inside? And a horse eating grass IS nature!" Hero says.
"Annoying, right? A child could see the holes in their logic. But they can't, because they don't think."
"This can't be legal."
"Sure, but the right to violate the law however they see fit is their privilege, not ours. Their people are in charge, not ours. And their idea of justice is whatever it needs to be to benefit them in the moment."
"This is fucked."
>heroes have to wait an hour standing around while their horses shit and piss
>cop shows up to tell the road blockers "let me know if you need anything"
>heroes fantasize about leaving these libtards standing face down in a ditch to solve the problem
>eventually someone in the wagon trail solves the problem with violence
Hero is shocked at the efficient brutality.
"Fucking finally!" Merchant yells, flooring it now that the motorway isnt blocked- I mean flicking the reins to make the horse go.
Hero wonders if this is what it takes to survive if the enemy won't let you.
Anonymous
c1ef9ee
?
No.352213
>make protagonist blue eyed and blonde haired man in black jacket
proofreader: "He looks like a nazi"
>make protagonist blue haired and golden eyed man in blue jacket
proofreader: "he's like the ukraine flag!"
>make protagonist blue haired and golden eyed man in red jacket
>wait fuck his enemies are supposed to wear red and black because they're red demons and the "red tide" of communist antifa terrorists
>can't make the sides red vs blue because red is republican AND communist while blue is democrat

Fuck this is hard. What do I do?
Anonymous
c1ef9ee
?
No.352361
Finished The Elementary Particles. Definitely something I'd recommend to others. I hope this helps my writing.

Already finished Roald Dahl, Hobbit, some of LOTR (nowhere near finished yet), Alice in Wonderland, and Chronicles of Narnia (Based brilliance, I love the way everyone goes to heaven. funny how feministards complained about the woman "obsessed with the most complicated time in her life" didn't go to heaven. She didn't go to heaven because she didn't die in Narnia! If anything they should complain she's too feminine to accurately remember experiences she lived through, writing off all Narnia memories as nonsense that never happened because they don't fit into her delusional self-image, like a college whore choosing to believe she was raped because it's easier on her self esteem than admitting she drunkenly and desperately threw herself at someone she considers low-status sober)

As for the outfits question I decided to make the heroes wear whatever colour they want while the villain footsoldiers wear black and the rulers wear ugly shit. The hero wears white, but not too much of it. Tons of character casts have different aesthetics or primary colours and one colour or other visual motif unifying them enough to make them feel like they're part of the same set when they're supposed to be. If the black hat white hat thing works for cowboy movies it'll work here. Villains are conformists who pretend to be nonconformists, the heroes are real nonconformists.

Gurren Lagann did this thing where the protagonist Simon is a timid boy who gets all his motivation and ideology from Kamina, who's perfection in human form. Mostly.
Kamina has so much charisma and confidence first-time watchers might not notice he's a platitude-spouting reckless moron, or appreciate that he chooses to be that way no matter how terrified he gets so he can inspire Simon. Simon doesn't need another clear thinker, he needs a leader and his brigade needs a symbol. He turns out to be always right and the audience is always on his side.
I should give the protagonist of my story someone like that, right?
If he got his hands dirty fighting evil long before the hero got involved, it would also give this story the sense that things happen even when offscreen and things have been happening before the day the story started.
He could die for the hero and pass the metaphorical torch on to him when he's ready to replace him. Or sooner. Perhaps literally pass the obligatory important macguffin to him in the process.
Anonymous
ed56f0c
?
No.352489
>be raised by loving farmers
>because the draft where you have a drunken bastard smoker weedloving druggie cuckservative father and narcissistic libtard mother was too dark
>have dreams where based ghost dad raises you and tells you where to go to learn the truth
>be descended from magical supermen you knew nothing about, have little reason to care when you find their ruins and mass graves, suddenly develop sick powers from turning out to be the last one, learn their kung fu from a ripped old man
This isn't sad enough.
I can feel it. This needs to be sadder for anyone to give a shit.
I need to make this sadder.
Anonymous
ed56f0c
?
No.352504
352672
>be 9 year old farmboy and only guy in village with unusual unnatural cool eye colour and hair dyed a normal colour from its usual unnatural colour
>isolated from village and loathed for unknown reason
>parents can't talk about it
>nobody can talk about it without getting arrested
>children guess the reason why you are loathed, assume you deserve the hate and bring misfortune wherever you go
>rich family's boy spreads revisionist propaganda: The protagonist's people attempted an insurrection to take over the village and they were executed for it
>sneak into some manly warrior ceremony meant to be for teenage boys to risk death hunting in pairs in the forest to officially become men
>think this will get the villages respect
>your 12 year old partner tries to kill you so he will be beloved by the village even though you are of the same race and he is also an outsider but not as much of an outsider as you
>kill him in self defense uaing your hidden power
>village wants your head
village elder: ENOUGH!
>village elder tells village the truth:
"Strike me down or turn me in for telling the truth if you must, but I will be heard. Fourty years ago, a fortune teller said a boy destined to overthrow the Mad King would be born in the year the moon bled. Nine years ago, there was a lunar eclipse. So the army was sent out to kidnap everyone's children and indoctrinate them with lies and draft them into the Mad King's forces. InsertProtagonistNameHere's parents hid their boy with a pair of farmers before fighting to save the children of this village. They failed, and because they fought back, they were forced to watch as the kids were killed in front of them until there were no kids from this village left to kill. Then they were killed. This boy... did nothing wrong. His people did nothing wrong. He was born into a world that hated him and his people as the Mad King wanted. This boy's people never stopped trying to do the right thing. All of us spit on the sacrifices of the past when we allow the rich to rewrite history and make us hate each other when we should hate the greedy little Goblins in charge".

After that day the village treated protagonist better

Timeskip

Hero is 15, eventually becomes 16 halfway through the story
Hero has a totally normal girlfriend
His village is attacked by Feds because somebody snitched to the feds
Hero's girlfriend is killed
Taxpayer funded military force is used to slaughter innocents while the media campaigns paint this helpless place as a mad cult that deserved worse
Hero is angry and joins a militia to overthrow the government

Am I on the right track?
Anonymous
ed56f0c
?
No.352672
>>352504
Guys I'm not sure about that opener. It seems like something you'd find in Naruto. Good kid hated by the village for something he can't control just wants their love and respect? Sure the circumstances are different, there's no monster sealed inside the protag, he's just a child blamed for the genocide of his people because his parents ensured he survived it despite dying trying to prevent it. I get that everything has to be turned up to 11 for the average reader to get it but maybe I should turn it down to 8 or 9 instead somehow. He definitely meets nicer people when he's older and volunteering for charity work.

I'm definitely adding a bit where he saves the life of a cute little wolf girl stuck in a bear trap that would have killed her. He heals her using his hidden power, which I changed from a lethal light laserbeam to holy healing hands. She runs the second he saves her, then when his partner betrays him and tries to kill him, she rushes in to kill the traitor and save her savior because she was watching him from afar.
sage
Anonymous
66651ba
?
No.352693
352745
>>351467
>Am I laying this on too thick?
yes
also muslim-bombings are like school-shootings, they hit the news but rarely happen
Anonymous
ed56f0c
?
No.352745
>>352693
If I'm introducing a character who's not poor and starving I need some kind of reason why that character can't or won't send supplies to starving friends. Plus if the protag just walks past a kid yelling "Extra, extra, read all about it! 24 kids and 14 women are among those wounded or killed by another Muslim suicide bomber!" would the audience give a shit? The Mudbombs have to kill a character the audience cares about. The era of people crying in Star Wars 1 theatres on opening night because some planet they knew nothing about got blown up by the Death Star is over, movies were made to try and get people to give a shit about the places and cultures and people killed by the Empire's rise and barely anyone gave two shits anyway.

Acts of Islamic violence against humanity rarely hit the news but they regularly happen.

I understand that we live in a world that's used to horrible things happening. But if even one Muslim bombing, gang rape, or machete attack happens in this country that's too many. One instance of British cops siding with Muslims over Brits and their raped children would be too many. There are many cases of this happening, too many.
I understand that a society that allows alcohol will have drunk drivers if the punishments for drunk driving aren't severe enough, but Muslims worship a literal pedophile who rallied retards to kill and rape and infiltrate and subvert and lie and terrorize in his name.

Fundamentally, Islam is incompatible with the Christian ideals of western society and the "enlightenment ideals" of Atheist society, yet Atheists suck Muslim and Jew cock because they're terrified by evil and amused by familiarity. The Atheist thinks he can reap the benefits of life in a mostly Christian society no matter how much degeneracy he engages in or encourages. He thinks his Christian values are "universal" and "humanist" and equally respected by all cultures.
It's a shame the Muslims who stole land from the Christians are having their stolen land stolen by the Jews, but if any of their Islamic behaviour was motivated by anything done to them by external forces rather than a result of who they are and what barbaric pro-pedophilia nonsense they choose to believe, they would exclusively target Jews and Jewish infrastructure with their suicide bombings and "peaceful" attacks instead of allying with Jews and their pet Feminists against whites and their Western Civilization.

Muslims are evil. They worship a pedophile who promises his followers an isolated "Heaven" with child brides to rape.

Muslims are pathetic. Despite following none of the laws of civilized society they expect to be as protected from criticism and their victims as the Jews. They dish out all sorts of abuse but they cannot take any back without crying and running to a white cop or pedophile muslim cop to beg for help and bring down the authoritarian leftist anarcho-tyrannical state's hammer necessary for subjugating the white man. Without white cops and ddievershitty hire muslim cops, muslim gang problems would be easily solvable when the parents of raped/murdered kids with nothing left to live for remember how to use knives and make 3D printed guns. Muslims are cruel when you are powerless and terrified into begging for mercy and hiding their evil nature when you are free.

Muslims are morons. There is nothing of value in the Quran intellectually, spiritually, or morally. There is no "science" in the Quran. There is no "Intellectualism" in Muslim apologists, you'd have better luck finding intellectualism in Communists. Whites invented everything except the Islamic dynamite vest.

Muslims are hypocrites. Their religion forbids men from fucking men yet they're fucking gay and in love with fucking little boys. Ask a soldier about the gay shit they saw, the gay pedo shit they saw, the straight pedo shit they saw. Most of them saw gay and gay pedo shit. If they're even willing to talk about what they saw without being terrified of "seeming racist" and losing everything.

Muslims are backstabbers. Anyone proposing an alliance between white men and Muslims ignores the fact that Muslims come here for white kids, not for the heads of Jews. Palestine isn't even an afterthought when they traffic and drug and rape white kids in jew-controlled white lands.

Muslims are evil, pathetic, cowardly, violent, dishonest, rapey, and fucking hilariously stupid. They think the sun sets on earth in a muddy spring to "get shiny". https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAc8fgZmMzA

Before I knew about Jews I used to shove this in people's faces to check if they're human or pedophiles. https://www.thereligionofpeace.com/ Pedophiles play damage control for the pedo religion, humans are so rightfully disgusted by it that even those with a lifetime of leftist programming start to think maybe, just maybe, this shit is too much and dievershitty isn't worth it.

Muslims are a problem for white civilization, and Jews are the reason why these problems are brought here and allowed to get away with acting like Pedo Mo, the dead barbarian child-bride-having kidfucker warmonger they worship, idolize, emulate, and name their children after. There are no good Muslims, only explodey arabians who don't have the balls to leave their religion of evil and get hated by their parents and the islamic community. They also lack the IQ necessary to notice they're the only religion that pulls this shit and there are ex-muslim communities that would be happy to have more ex-muslim friends.
Anonymous
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No.352748
Anyway, you know how some foreign sweatshop workers are given drugs to keep them working, fucking pills instead of food and food breaks, maybe even addictive drugs to keep them coming back even if they want to quit?

That's not something you're likely to see in a fantasy setting. It's too dark and realistic to be something that makes you say "Holy shit, that's so cool!"

Arcane took inspiration from real world drugs and the themes of its story when making Shimmer, they made it cool enough to fit in a fantasy story and deep enough to tie into the story's themes. It's not some preachy anti-drug PSA yet it still manages to show recreational drug abuse as something devastating to society because it is.

Arcane features Shimmer, a drug used to gain the raw physical power needed to become strong enough for the dangerous world of the Undercity. It cranks everything up to 11, because the Undercity's all about that. Even the scientist guy from the Undercity is all "These dangerous crystals stabilize at high frequencies! Don't try to dampen the crystals, CRANK IT!". Shimmer is what the Undercity is at its worst, the external force that brings out the worst in you. Shimmer is corrupting, it's addictive, it's power. And it's Silco's. His idea of a free Undercity is a drug-addicted shithole governed by drug kingpins, a hellhole full of raves and whorehouses and massive income inequality, and his idea of a healthy adopted daughter is an isolated violent delusional tortured traumatized chaos gremlin even he struggles to control. His dying act is trying to remove her freedom to choose, getting shot for trying to shoot her sister during a scene where she isn't sure whether to choose her sister or Silco. He's a cunt and his talk of all of this being necessary and how he was doing all of this for freedom falls flat when he's willing to give it all up for his daughter and when compared to Ekko's Firelights and their beautiful SolarPunk home. Silco's a great villain and a nuanced fuckup doing his best no matter what it costs him or others. Even in scenes where he isn't present, if his drug or his influence on his city or the character he has influenced are there, he feels present. This poisonous artificial corrupting chemical substance is his influence, the corrupting nature of power and reliance on it, it's power and his ideology's obsession with it.

They could have just given Silco multiple generic drugs with fantasy names, but they decided to make it one drug, his drug, while doing something that matches the "ChemPunk and SteamPunk and MagicPunk clashing" aesthetic of its setting. League of Legends' setting and story was always a meme, the game is called LOL and it was going to get subtitles sometimes like LOL: Wizard Thief Fighter (WTF) and Pirates With Ninjas (PWN) before someone realized that was retarded, it's a kitchen sink where they just dump shit in. There's a good fantasy kingdom and a bad fantasy kingdom and a pirate place and a ninja place and an Egyptian desert place and a frozen norse place and more. And those responsible for the show managed to create what feels like a cohesive world out of these clashing aesthetics and time periods and cliches and subverted cliches. It's incredible. They took one of a million third rate lolsorandum teehee explosions bootleg Deadpool/Harley Quinn wannabes and created a character leagues better than Harley Quinn ever was, because while a dumb bitch in love with her abuser is sad (and her becoming a "feminist icon of female empowerment" is fucking boring) this broken little girl from a family she broke in a broken world that also broke her first family is even sadder.

I want to put something like that in my story, some kind of super steroid that numbs the mind and soul and enhances the body, something the protagonist's people are forced to take to survive as they're worked to death by the demons in charge. Perhaps a drug that keeps them from developing magic and the capacity to use it to resist, kills their connection to God and the spirits of their ancestors, and stops them from vomiting with disgust at the shit state of the world and hating those responsible. Perhaps a drug that helps them relive happy memories or lucid dream and fantasize isekai escapist rebel-fantasy YA stuff. I don't care if someone writes it off as a ripoff of Shimmer or We Happy Few's Joy or Code Geass's Refrain. There are probably more than a million fantasy drugs out there based on real ones and fantasy drugs designed to represent complex societal problems.