Hello. This is the second thread of the writefag circle, here: >>299458 →
Basically all that is said in that OP applies to this one but I'll go through the 'rules' of this thread here as well.
So, the main point of this thread is to facilitate and enable Anons' writefagging; in a similar way pride facilitates and enables aids.;^P The Anons in this thread can be seperated into two camps: Anons who wants help with their writing project(s) and Anons that feel inclined to help those aforementioned shrek-colored skinheads.
Crafting and beta-reading is what we do here, any critique of literature not made by a guy submitted for this thread should be incidental; it should be when you —as a beta-reader of fics posted ITT— make a comparision between the fic your reviewing and some other story for the sake of demonstrating your point, whatever it is.
This is NOT: A review thread for unsolicited rants about random media which does not fall into the mold for how to use a refrence in this thread described in the above paragraph. Meaning if you're not using —like, let's pick something arbitrary— Naruto for a comparision in your critique of someone's writing itt, then don't bring it up. I understand that tangents can happen and if it's like a few exchanges with a pair of posters; then it's fine. However, don't make this a pattern and also move whatever off-thread-topic discussion to a more fitting board/thread. There's after all no problem with finding someone to converse with and share perspectives on a subject you care about but just take it to an appropriate thread. Sidenote: Nigel, these rules applies to you in a stricter fashion because I would not have to detail them with this much precision if it weren't for you.
I hope that I haven't scared anybody off. This is still suppose to be a chill af thread. Funposting is very much allowed and encouraged. It really is more that some type of posting —like, things that are completely irrelevant to the thread— does not belong here. I know, rocket-science and a rule that is seldom seen and highly unique for this thread. Perhaps you could call it a... Novelty. (You) intelligent lurker, obviously get the subtext of this OP so you probably won't need to worry about any of this. I'd say if you're unsure if what you're about to post belongs in the thread, then post it anyway. The worst that can happen is that someone tells you to move it to another thread and you get a better insight of what post belongs in thread. If you consist on fish and chips, however, I'd sugguest you think twice on what you're posting and perhaps even ask beforehand if your rant about lefties and Undertale belongs here.
If there are any questions on the OP, ask away?
/mlpol/ - My Little Politics
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655 replies and 160 files omitted.
>>344375
>In a/the finished product, I would not utilize an omniscient narrator, thats just lazy writing. Omniscient narrators are only acceptable when describing otherwise uncorrelated things, so that the nuance of how an apparently spontaneous effect is still possible, predictably; with exception, the protagonist is experiencing a stream of stimulus/context and responding sincerely to it.
I prefer to write in omniscient narration and think it's the best style to write in. Why do you dislike it and what does what you wrote mean here?
>In a/the finished product, I would not utilize an omniscient narrator, thats just lazy writing. Omniscient narrators are only acceptable when describing otherwise uncorrelated things, so that the nuance of how an apparently spontaneous effect is still possible, predictably; with exception, the protagonist is experiencing a stream of stimulus/context and responding sincerely to it.
I prefer to write in omniscient narration and think it's the best style to write in. Why do you dislike it and what does what you wrote mean here?
>>344382
What I meant by that is that in a completed work I wouldnt have to resort to statements like "many moons had passed since 'this thing'", as there would be indicators of days, weeks, etc. passing. Im utilizing it in this case to supplement the absence of content leading up to the depicted instance.
What I meant by that is that in a completed work I wouldnt have to resort to statements like "many moons had passed since 'this thing'", as there would be indicators of days, weeks, etc. passing. Im utilizing it in this case to supplement the absence of content leading up to the depicted instance.
To expound on this:
If writing a full story two options immediately present themselves. I could describe a day's worth of uneventful activities, or I could simply state that the next day(s) were uneventful. In a serious work, I would favor the former, as it would allow me to slip in any foreshadowy bits or setup for a later interaction. There's techn9cally nothing wrong with the 'nothing happened for many moons' approach, I just dont care for it as a reader.
If writing a full story two options immediately present themselves. I could describe a day's worth of uneventful activities, or I could simply state that the next day(s) were uneventful. In a serious work, I would favor the former, as it would allow me to slip in any foreshadowy bits or setup for a later interaction. There's techn9cally nothing wrong with the 'nothing happened for many moons' approach, I just dont care for it as a reader.
>>344385
>>344390
I guess my writing is in the limited omniscient narration, or whatever it's called. Like, I don't like to summaries events so instead I try to show time progression with cuts and telling events.
For example: I don't say, "Her friends stayed until the evening." I cut the scene and start the next with: "The sun sunk past the horizon. A mountain of foam popped in the sink and plates dripped from the dish rack."
>>344390
I guess my writing is in the limited omniscient narration, or whatever it's called. Like, I don't like to summaries events so instead I try to show time progression with cuts and telling events.
For example: I don't say, "Her friends stayed until the evening." I cut the scene and start the next with: "The sun sunk past the horizon. A mountain of foam popped in the sink and plates dripped from the dish rack."
>>344437
But I usually only do this for flare. I realized that I convoluted my writing. Now, I focus on 90/10 on clarity respectively flare.
But I usually only do this for flare. I realized that I convoluted my writing. Now, I focus on 90/10 on clarity respectively flare.
Would it be pointless to request a review for a short story intentionally written to be shit?
>>344447
Put it a different way.
>Hey. I wrote absolute shit, anyone want to review it?
Doea that sound enticing?
Put it a different way.
>Hey. I wrote absolute shit, anyone want to review it?
Doea that sound enticing?
>>344447
Huh why would someone review something that even the author admits is shit?
I'm really curious, what are you thinking?
Huh why would someone review something that even the author admits is shit?
I'm really curious, what are you thinking?
>>344449
I think he's trying to equate my usage of a draft and review system with "writing intentional shit"; the idea being that since this isnt a 'final draft' that its illegitimate. I'll admit theres a bit of reach on that one tho
I think he's trying to equate my usage of a draft and review system with "writing intentional shit"; the idea being that since this isnt a 'final draft' that its illegitimate. I'll admit theres a bit of reach on that one tho
I've started to split up my writing practice into the technical parts of writing: Descriptions, pacing, and dialogue. I do this by writing down a movie that I already know from memory. I try to transcribe it into a novel. This way my inner ego doesn't get hung up on the story part of what I'm writing since it's not mine and I can focus on just the technical part of it.
For storytelling, I try to fantasize and simulate scenarios in my head. Maybe jot down some plot points and an overarching timeline.
But I have only just begun doing the first paragraph so far. We'll see.
For storytelling, I try to fantasize and simulate scenarios in my head. Maybe jot down some plot points and an overarching timeline.
But I have only just begun doing the first paragraph so far. We'll see.
>>344498
I'm not a scheming 4D chess mastermind. I don't equate or suggest, I'm a simple straightforward guy.
>>344449
I just wrote a brief shitpost and was wondering if it would be worth asking for feedback.
On one hand it was written to be shit.
On the other hand maybe advice could help me write better shitposts in the future.
Also writing question for a good story
>be me
>write story where the opening chapter establishes the hero as a child, then a timeskip happens, then we meet him as an adult
>but the canon ponies dont show up until after the timeskip
>which might be at least 3 chapters
Would the average brony read about an OC for that long just to get to text featuring his favourite characters?
Is it worth showhorning filly Twilight into adventures before meeting her friends?
I'm not a scheming 4D chess mastermind. I don't equate or suggest, I'm a simple straightforward guy.
>>344449
I just wrote a brief shitpost and was wondering if it would be worth asking for feedback.
On one hand it was written to be shit.
On the other hand maybe advice could help me write better shitposts in the future.
Also writing question for a good story
>be me
>write story where the opening chapter establishes the hero as a child, then a timeskip happens, then we meet him as an adult
>but the canon ponies dont show up until after the timeskip
>which might be at least 3 chapters
Would the average brony read about an OC for that long just to get to text featuring his favourite characters?
Is it worth showhorning filly Twilight into adventures before meeting her friends?
This is Nigel
>>344518
>Would the average brony read about an OC for that long just to get to text featuring his favourite characters?
No
Gosh negro 3 fucking chapters for a shitpost?
Dude be thankful someone lifts their ballshack and happens to read a single line of your post, let alone a whole paragraph that's intentionally written like shit.
>Would the average brony read about an OC for that long just to get to text featuring his favourite characters?
No
Gosh negro 3 fucking chapters for a shitpost?
Dude be thankful someone lifts their ballshack and happens to read a single line of your post, let alone a whole paragraph that's intentionally written like shit.
I see the source of the confusion now.
https://ponepaste.org/7334
This is my short shitpost. It's shit on purpose.
It even starts with an unattributed quote barely associated with the subsequent story, because that's a gay thing bad writers do.
My other fimfic is in-progress and it starts with 3 chapters of OC focus before Twilight or any other canon characters show up.
I guess I could shoehorn some minor canon characters in there, maybe pander to bronies by including nameless background ponies using the names and headcanoned personalities+backstories invented by assorted brony forums.
Then again that last thing sounds gay.
A random appearance by filly Octavia or filly Twilight Sparkle would definitely work better, right?
https://ponepaste.org/7334
This is my short shitpost. It's shit on purpose.
It even starts with an unattributed quote barely associated with the subsequent story, because that's a gay thing bad writers do.
My other fimfic is in-progress and it starts with 3 chapters of OC focus before Twilight or any other canon characters show up.
I guess I could shoehorn some minor canon characters in there, maybe pander to bronies by including nameless background ponies using the names and headcanoned personalities+backstories invented by assorted brony forums.
Then again that last thing sounds gay.
A random appearance by filly Octavia or filly Twilight Sparkle would definitely work better, right?
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>>344655
With a lit joint in her mouth and skulls cracking under her hooves, Twilight sparkle made her way through the dark cemetery.
"Come back here you son of a bitch" She would exclaim engulfing a poor demon's ass in her devastating purple aura moments before releasing two raging buckleshots up the poor creature's anus.
Demon after demon, would fall as she made her way with a seemingly never-ending lust for guts and gore…
"Isn't this…A bit over the top?"
As if he was violently pulled from a perverted dream, the old, shabby gryphon narrating the story threw a puzzled look at the purple mare sitting in front of him.
"What- What do you mean? i was just getting started-"
The mare shook her head, as the gryphon's face contorted in pure defeat.
"I'm sorry…Charly was it? Look, i know we have been getting low ratings but 'never-ending lust for guts and gore'?" Twilight would gently laugh before leaning on the table, raising an eyebrow "You're joking, right?"
"L-look I'm just- T-the audience" The gryphon stuttered, stumbling on his own tongue as words refused to come out.
Gazing into his tearful eyes, Twilight stood up, pulling a card from her saddlebag.
"Look, Charly, i know you want a more 'mature' reboot and all but this isn't the way, alright?" She levitated the card closer to the gryphon, who held it with both hands like a hopeful kid.
"Give me a call when you get a better idea" Said the purple unicorn, making her way out of the room, leaving the gryphon behind as he slowly turned all of that sadness into pure, uncontrolled rage.
Two broken tables and numerous teacups later, the Gryphon called the number Twilight had left him, with the hopes of convincing her to reassess her decision. To his surprise, the number led to a certain party whom is known to despise the gryphons.
The two parties exchanged a few insults before the Gryphon said too much. In a panic, he ripped the telephone off the line and ran back to his room to prepare his luggage, but by then, it was already too late.
And so no one else ever heard of that gryphon again, and i know it was the truth because i was there, and hit that old geezer with my own hand, almost broke a knuckle! But damn he had good taste in alcohol, we got enough cider to fill a whole pool from his house!
With a lit joint in her mouth and skulls cracking under her hooves, Twilight sparkle made her way through the dark cemetery.
"Come back here you son of a bitch" She would exclaim engulfing a poor demon's ass in her devastating purple aura moments before releasing two raging buckleshots up the poor creature's anus.
Demon after demon, would fall as she made her way with a seemingly never-ending lust for guts and gore…
"Isn't this…A bit over the top?"
As if he was violently pulled from a perverted dream, the old, shabby gryphon narrating the story threw a puzzled look at the purple mare sitting in front of him.
"What- What do you mean? i was just getting started-"
The mare shook her head, as the gryphon's face contorted in pure defeat.
"I'm sorry…Charly was it? Look, i know we have been getting low ratings but 'never-ending lust for guts and gore'?" Twilight would gently laugh before leaning on the table, raising an eyebrow "You're joking, right?"
"L-look I'm just- T-the audience" The gryphon stuttered, stumbling on his own tongue as words refused to come out.
Gazing into his tearful eyes, Twilight stood up, pulling a card from her saddlebag.
"Look, Charly, i know you want a more 'mature' reboot and all but this isn't the way, alright?" She levitated the card closer to the gryphon, who held it with both hands like a hopeful kid.
"Give me a call when you get a better idea" Said the purple unicorn, making her way out of the room, leaving the gryphon behind as he slowly turned all of that sadness into pure, uncontrolled rage.
Two broken tables and numerous teacups later, the Gryphon called the number Twilight had left him, with the hopes of convincing her to reassess her decision. To his surprise, the number led to a certain party whom is known to despise the gryphons.
The two parties exchanged a few insults before the Gryphon said too much. In a panic, he ripped the telephone off the line and ran back to his room to prepare his luggage, but by then, it was already too late.
And so no one else ever heard of that gryphon again, and i know it was the truth because i was there, and hit that old geezer with my own hand, almost broke a knuckle! But damn he had good taste in alcohol, we got enough cider to fill a whole pool from his house!
>>344666
I like that. The social commentary about how 'mature' content is somehow less mature than mlp was in this day and age is something I have been thinking of before and this fic captured that for me.
I like that. The social commentary about how 'mature' content is somehow less mature than mlp was in this day and age is something I have been thinking of before and this fic captured that for me.
>>344686
>>344666
Nice, I should have focused more on that theme in my shitpost.
The Griffon could get butthurt about nobody liking MlP: Murderous laughing Ponies (another title idea I almost went with)
But then
The ponies could say something mature and optimistic about loss and hope that shocks the cynical Griffon as he sees the wisdom in their words and the value in spreading optimism.
Watching beautiful movies with nature's beauty but no blatant obnoxious environmental message made me think "I wish I lived in a world that beautiful"
And it made me think, does a work have to spell out jew facts to awaken people or is it enough to get viewers to feel "I am glad the smart beautiful elf heroes saved their ethnostate in the trees from the child-eating evil Goblins"?
Can a work be subtle about its politics and hint at the truth to tell the truth better than any extended political rant disguised as a story?
>>344666
Nice, I should have focused more on that theme in my shitpost.
The Griffon could get butthurt about nobody liking MlP: Murderous laughing Ponies (another title idea I almost went with)
But then
The ponies could say something mature and optimistic about loss and hope that shocks the cynical Griffon as he sees the wisdom in their words and the value in spreading optimism.
Watching beautiful movies with nature's beauty but no blatant obnoxious environmental message made me think "I wish I lived in a world that beautiful"
And it made me think, does a work have to spell out jew facts to awaken people or is it enough to get viewers to feel "I am glad the smart beautiful elf heroes saved their ethnostate in the trees from the child-eating evil Goblins"?
Can a work be subtle about its politics and hint at the truth to tell the truth better than any extended political rant disguised as a story?
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>>344368
Not bad, I think something a bit more elaborated with this concept would be pretty nice.
>>344516
>This way my inner ego doesn't get hung up on the story part of what I'm writing since it's not mine and I can focus on just the technical part of it.
That's...painfully relatable.
>>344686
So, am probably not the one to comment on this one. But yeah, people tend to associate edgy teenage violence, over the top actions and overblown reactions with mature content.
Which is a shame. After all, when there is essence, an appropriate display of violence is extremely effective. Not exactly necessary in order to write a master piece. But an author would be limiting himself by refraining, much like with the use of a difficult premise.
>>344808
>Can a work be subtle about its politics and hint at the truth to tell the truth better than any extended political rant disguised as a story?
yes
Not bad, I think something a bit more elaborated with this concept would be pretty nice.
>>344516
>This way my inner ego doesn't get hung up on the story part of what I'm writing since it's not mine and I can focus on just the technical part of it.
That's...painfully relatable.
>>344686
So, am probably not the one to comment on this one. But yeah, people tend to associate edgy teenage violence, over the top actions and overblown reactions with mature content.
Which is a shame. After all, when there is essence, an appropriate display of violence is extremely effective. Not exactly necessary in order to write a master piece. But an author would be limiting himself by refraining, much like with the use of a difficult premise.
>>344808
>Can a work be subtle about its politics and hint at the truth to tell the truth better than any extended political rant disguised as a story?
yes
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>>344834
>with mature content.
I think people just do that to market it to teenagers and pre-teens (Omilulz I'm so mature watching gore)
When actual mature content is more in the lines of
Movies: You were never really here, The lobster, Gummo
Manga: We did it, Punpun, Himizu
You might notice all of these deal with heavy topics.
Yeah, that's exactly the thing, it deals with complex emotions and stories most of them deal with trauma and sadness, in some of them the main character gives up and dies in others it is capable of overcoming these, in some there is no main character at all.
What they do have in common is the maturity, the light in which things are shed, death is not a sport, emotions are important, small things can have big repercusions in a story and it's characters and emotional maturity and immaturity is easily seen.
It is mature content because you need a certain maturity to consume it or else you might not understand it, find it boring or just get depressed over it without thinking about it's message. You need a certain maturity to understand it.
In the case of gore media, it is the opposite, you just need a certain maturity to watch it to understand that is dark humor and not socially acceptable, so you don't end up fapping to gore like some /b/ fags.
>>344808
If you're gonna write something, don't write something insanely big that just feels like a waste of time in the end.
Think of the "everybody walk the dinosaur" it was funny because it was annoying, because the story feels like a waste of time when you get to the end, yet it has a punchline, so it's not 100% underwhelming.
You end up feeling played, not like you wasted 15 minutes of your life.
>>344808
>"I am glad the smart beautiful elf heroes saved their ethnostate in the trees from the child-eating evil Goblins"?
Your post are fucking unreal my negro.
You manage to be as subtle as a brick to the nape.
Think a bit harder about it and maybe you can come up with something good, you can use this as an example if you want, it's some old story i wrote about aryanne
>https://pastebin.com/ScadiarE
It's not supposed to hit you in the nuts with "DA JOOZ EVIL" if i remember well, i wrote it trying to make your average normie sympathize with aryanne.
I do believe it must be full of grammatical errors and it must be a not so good story since i have improved, but still it's good enough to illustrate my point.
>with mature content.
I think people just do that to market it to teenagers and pre-teens (Omilulz I'm so mature watching gore)
When actual mature content is more in the lines of
Movies: You were never really here, The lobster, Gummo
Manga: We did it, Punpun, Himizu
You might notice all of these deal with heavy topics.
Yeah, that's exactly the thing, it deals with complex emotions and stories most of them deal with trauma and sadness, in some of them the main character gives up and dies in others it is capable of overcoming these, in some there is no main character at all.
What they do have in common is the maturity, the light in which things are shed, death is not a sport, emotions are important, small things can have big repercusions in a story and it's characters and emotional maturity and immaturity is easily seen.
It is mature content because you need a certain maturity to consume it or else you might not understand it, find it boring or just get depressed over it without thinking about it's message. You need a certain maturity to understand it.
In the case of gore media, it is the opposite, you just need a certain maturity to watch it to understand that is dark humor and not socially acceptable, so you don't end up fapping to gore like some /b/ fags.
>>344808
If you're gonna write something, don't write something insanely big that just feels like a waste of time in the end.
Think of the "everybody walk the dinosaur" it was funny because it was annoying, because the story feels like a waste of time when you get to the end, yet it has a punchline, so it's not 100% underwhelming.
You end up feeling played, not like you wasted 15 minutes of your life.
>>344808
>"I am glad the smart beautiful elf heroes saved their ethnostate in the trees from the child-eating evil Goblins"?
Your post are fucking unreal my negro.
You manage to be as subtle as a brick to the nape.
Think a bit harder about it and maybe you can come up with something good, you can use this as an example if you want, it's some old story i wrote about aryanne
>https://pastebin.com/ScadiarE
It's not supposed to hit you in the nuts with "DA JOOZ EVIL" if i remember well, i wrote it trying to make your average normie sympathize with aryanne.
I do believe it must be full of grammatical errors and it must be a not so good story since i have improved, but still it's good enough to illustrate my point.
>>344887
So, i tried to fix an error or two i spotted and
>pic related
Well, fuck me
Here's the greentext version, won't hurt no one to post it here:
>You've been a little filly for far too long
>Every time you try to help twi, she just laughs it off and tells you
"MaYbE WHeN yOu gRow uP"
>Hmph!
>Theres only one way to show 'em just how resourceful you can be
>You have to stop the next big villain before they even have the chance
>Eventually, a new villain does show up
>As always you aren't allowed to help
>This is how you ended up leaning against the door on the throne room, trying to make out words.
>Cant let her ... methods ...extreme
>Tia...less...problem
>White...zebras and....that happens...Now?
>This is getting nowhere
>You sigh and lay on the floor, arms wide to the sides
>How the hell are you supposed to help if you can't even make out what they are saying!
>Fine, you'll find out yourself!
>You asked around town for any malicious folk, all you got was some weird looks, some candy and an apple
>It wasn't so bad but seems like twilight got an ear of your shenanigans, cause now you're off to your room early, basically grounded.
>The nerve on that horse, you're probably older than her
>on the other hand, could be worse, you got the bed all for yourself and
>CRASH
>You jump out of bed, heart making some sick beats
>Something just crash-landed into your room
>And this time it's not rainbow-color and holding a mug of cider
>This pony is white, and wearing a trench coat
>Ow the edge
>She gets up seemingly unharmed by the broken crystal and looks up at you
>"You are anon-i-mouse, ja?"
>Your brain is too busy at the moment
>Who will take on the speaking duty now?
>OVARIES CAN
>Oh no
"You talking to me vanillaface?"
>"No, vith the hore that birthed you"
"Thankfully, till later, vanilla-face"
>"Vait!"
"What do you want, for fucks sake"
>"In vhich room can i find anoneh-mouss?"
"It's 'anonymous' you dumb horse, and you're looking at him"
>Oh
"Oh? What do you mean "Oh"? "
>"You look like a normal filly?"
"No shit!? I thought i looked like a toilet 'Cause im tired of your crap already"
>Aryanne laughs
>"Now, now"
>She pulls out something from under her trench coat
>You're no /k/ommando, but you recognize a pistol when you see one
>Your pupils retract as you instinctively take a step back
>Where the fuck did she even get a pistol from
>"Vhen i heerd of a horrible m...Affe, pony hybrid, i had to take matter on me own hooves, ja?"
"L-look"
>Damn, you're stuttering
>You take a breath and puff out your chest c
>Time to channel your inner ne*ggro
>You stand on two hooves, doing your best sassy black woman that needs nuffin' impression
"Yoo pullin' dat glock on ah, ya' biatch ass ni**a? ya' betta git yo sorry ass outta mah face 'fore ah bash ya' fuckin' hed in, ya feel?" >On a second thought maybe that wasnt such a good idea
>Aryanne inspects her pistol carefully
>"Ms. Anon, i'm not here to mordet you"
>Not anymore
>"I'm here to judge meinself"
"Judge? What do you mean judge?"
>"Let me tell you about the Gryphons..."
>Around 4 cakes later
>"And zat's why chicken cross zee road"
>Wow
"Wow"
>Aryanne nods proudly
>"No matter, think about it, little one, i'll come back tomorrow, we remove alpist, ja?"
>She chuckles and climbs back the hole she made when literally crashing in
>You sit on the bed, silence as your companion
>That talk gave you too much to think about
>Especially because you couldn't understand half the things she said
>Next day
"Twilight, can we talk?"
>"Anon, im really busy, can you wait a few-"
>She sees your serious expression, giving you an awkard smile
>"...I suppose i can spare a few minutes"
>One short walk to the kitchen later
"Twilight, are zig- Are zebras bad?"
>Twilight gives you a confused look
>"Of course not, anon. We've already addressed this back when zecora came into town, zebras look and act different because they come from a different culture. Like any other citizen of equestria, they deserve respect and a fair chance to live within our kind."
"What if they start mixing with the ponies and spreading their culture all over ours, what if they eventually replace us!?"
>You sound a bit more urgent than inteended
>Thankfuly Twilight chuckles at your panic
>"You've been reading equestrian history for once?"
>She gives you a doubtful look and continues
>"Anon, Zecora is only one, im certain we dont have to worry about her replacing us any time soon but if that were ever to be attempted, im sure we could come up with a solution"
>You dont really like that vague answer, but she does has a point.
"What about gryphons?"
>Twilight stares into nothingness for a few seconds, as if she remembered about leaving the stove on back home
>"Everyone deserves a fair chance." she says flatly.
>By the looks of it, she's thinking way more than just that, but doesn't says anything.
>You decide to not push it.
>Around 6 weeding cakes later
>It's sunset, and you're leaning against the balcony in your room.
>You have been thinking a lot about the whole issue
>Every pony is way too naive, they trust others way too much and as that white mare pointed out, this has led to some major catastrophes in Equestrian history.
>The tigerkin massacre, the mothpony invasion, the elephant's foot, rosemary's triangle...
>It just keeps happening because no one is there to do what must be done before it's too late
>But how can you ever agree to join this mare, by doing that you would betray everypony's trust
>You would betray Twilight, even if she was a shit-tier mom and forced you to put the toilet seat up like you put up with her crap
>She was still the closest thing you had for a mother
>You hear a weird sound coming from under the balcony
>You lean-in and see...
>Aryanne, wearing suction cups, climbing her way up
>She reaches the balcony and gives you a warm smile
>"Anon, lieben! Have you thought about it, ja?"
"Just shoot me"
So, i tried to fix an error or two i spotted and
>pic related
Well, fuck me
Here's the greentext version, won't hurt no one to post it here:
>You've been a little filly for far too long
>Every time you try to help twi, she just laughs it off and tells you
"MaYbE WHeN yOu gRow uP"
>Hmph!
>Theres only one way to show 'em just how resourceful you can be
>You have to stop the next big villain before they even have the chance
>Eventually, a new villain does show up
>As always you aren't allowed to help
>This is how you ended up leaning against the door on the throne room, trying to make out words.
>Cant let her ... methods ...extreme
>Tia...less...problem
>White...zebras and....that happens...Now?
>This is getting nowhere
>You sigh and lay on the floor, arms wide to the sides
>How the hell are you supposed to help if you can't even make out what they are saying!
>Fine, you'll find out yourself!
>You asked around town for any malicious folk, all you got was some weird looks, some candy and an apple
>It wasn't so bad but seems like twilight got an ear of your shenanigans, cause now you're off to your room early, basically grounded.
>The nerve on that horse, you're probably older than her
>on the other hand, could be worse, you got the bed all for yourself and
>CRASH
>You jump out of bed, heart making some sick beats
>Something just crash-landed into your room
>And this time it's not rainbow-color and holding a mug of cider
>This pony is white, and wearing a trench coat
>Ow the edge
>She gets up seemingly unharmed by the broken crystal and looks up at you
>"You are anon-i-mouse, ja?"
>Your brain is too busy at the moment
>Who will take on the speaking duty now?
>OVARIES CAN
>Oh no
"You talking to me vanillaface?"
>"No, vith the hore that birthed you"
"Thankfully, till later, vanilla-face"
>"Vait!"
"What do you want, for fucks sake"
>"In vhich room can i find anoneh-mouss?"
"It's 'anonymous' you dumb horse, and you're looking at him"
>Oh
"Oh? What do you mean "Oh"? "
>"You look like a normal filly?"
"No shit!? I thought i looked like a toilet 'Cause im tired of your crap already"
>Aryanne laughs
>"Now, now"
>She pulls out something from under her trench coat
>You're no /k/ommando, but you recognize a pistol when you see one
>Your pupils retract as you instinctively take a step back
>Where the fuck did she even get a pistol from
>"Vhen i heerd of a horrible m...Affe, pony hybrid, i had to take matter on me own hooves, ja?"
"L-look"
>Damn, you're stuttering
>You take a breath and puff out your chest c
>Time to channel your inner ne*ggro
>You stand on two hooves, doing your best sassy black woman that needs nuffin' impression
"Yoo pullin' dat glock on ah, ya' biatch ass ni**a? ya' betta git yo sorry ass outta mah face 'fore ah bash ya' fuckin' hed in, ya feel?" >On a second thought maybe that wasnt such a good idea
>Aryanne inspects her pistol carefully
>"Ms. Anon, i'm not here to mordet you"
>Not anymore
>"I'm here to judge meinself"
"Judge? What do you mean judge?"
>"Let me tell you about the Gryphons..."
>Around 4 cakes later
>"And zat's why chicken cross zee road"
>Wow
"Wow"
>Aryanne nods proudly
>"No matter, think about it, little one, i'll come back tomorrow, we remove alpist, ja?"
>She chuckles and climbs back the hole she made when literally crashing in
>You sit on the bed, silence as your companion
>That talk gave you too much to think about
>Especially because you couldn't understand half the things she said
>Next day
"Twilight, can we talk?"
>"Anon, im really busy, can you wait a few-"
>She sees your serious expression, giving you an awkard smile
>"...I suppose i can spare a few minutes"
>One short walk to the kitchen later
"Twilight, are zig- Are zebras bad?"
>Twilight gives you a confused look
>"Of course not, anon. We've already addressed this back when zecora came into town, zebras look and act different because they come from a different culture. Like any other citizen of equestria, they deserve respect and a fair chance to live within our kind."
"What if they start mixing with the ponies and spreading their culture all over ours, what if they eventually replace us!?"
>You sound a bit more urgent than inteended
>Thankfuly Twilight chuckles at your panic
>"You've been reading equestrian history for once?"
>She gives you a doubtful look and continues
>"Anon, Zecora is only one, im certain we dont have to worry about her replacing us any time soon but if that were ever to be attempted, im sure we could come up with a solution"
>You dont really like that vague answer, but she does has a point.
"What about gryphons?"
>Twilight stares into nothingness for a few seconds, as if she remembered about leaving the stove on back home
>"Everyone deserves a fair chance." she says flatly.
>By the looks of it, she's thinking way more than just that, but doesn't says anything.
>You decide to not push it.
>Around 6 weeding cakes later
>It's sunset, and you're leaning against the balcony in your room.
>You have been thinking a lot about the whole issue
>Every pony is way too naive, they trust others way too much and as that white mare pointed out, this has led to some major catastrophes in Equestrian history.
>The tigerkin massacre, the mothpony invasion, the elephant's foot, rosemary's triangle...
>It just keeps happening because no one is there to do what must be done before it's too late
>But how can you ever agree to join this mare, by doing that you would betray everypony's trust
>You would betray Twilight, even if she was a shit-tier mom and forced you to put the toilet seat up like you put up with her crap
>She was still the closest thing you had for a mother
>You hear a weird sound coming from under the balcony
>You lean-in and see...
>Aryanne, wearing suction cups, climbing her way up
>She reaches the balcony and gives you a warm smile
>"Anon, lieben! Have you thought about it, ja?"
"Just shoot me"
>>344888
>Your bluntness wipes the smile off her face
>"vhat?"
>You shut your eyes tight, holding back whatever emotion wanting to overcome you.
"Shoot me, i've got no choice, i cant betray Twilight, i cant betray her friends and everyone else i know, i get it, i'm either an ally or a foe, so get this over with quick, i-i dont want to-."
>Aryanne shushs you with her hoof, her face cold and serious
>"Fräulein, we make sacrifices for our future -"
>You push away her hoof, tears on your eyes, you hide them burying your face on your hooves.
"No, no. I-i dont wanna leave them, i dont want to be your enemy i-i just wanna do the right thing"
>Filly sobs echo through the room
>You feel something press against your head
>Your whole body trembles as you shut your eyes tight, waiting for the blast
>Just a sharp pain and then it will be all over
>The smell of vanilla fills your nostrils, as you feel the thing moving downwards, accompanying your mane
>Wait what
>You raise your head and dry the tears away with your hoof
>Aryanne is petting you wearing a concerned expression
"W-wha?"
>"I should not have put so much pressure on you, mein kleiner"
>Aryanne's calmness and behavior takes you by surprise, you stare at her in confusion.
>She pulls closer, pushing your face against her chest.
>You instinctively comply, leaning against her soft fur. She does smells of vanilla.
>Closing your eyes, you can hear her heartbeat, the soft rhythm in company of her caresses, makes your whole body relax.
>You let out a breath you didn't even realize you were holding, suddenly you feel exposed, vulnerable, but at the same time warm and protected.
>You let the tears escape your eyes, all of those emotions deep inside you escape, and seemingly evaporate as they meet the warmth of your protector
>"Das tut mir leid, i should have explain, you dont have to choose, you already have ze weltanschauung within you"
>Aryanne stops petting you and holds your cheeks, raising your head a bit and looking into your eyes
>"I dont want you to betray, i want you to protect"
>You look away shyly
>"Can i trust you with this, little one?"
>You nod softly, she gives you a smile
>"Wunderbar! ponyville vill be most right on your hooves!"
>She snuggles you a bit and lets go, seemingly happy with the turn of events
>"I'll be leaning now, zehre are places in need to remember their gift-"
"Aryanne"
>You hold onto her hoof, interrupting her
>"Ja?"
"Can you hold me again?"
>She gives you the brightest smile
>"As long as you want"
>Your bluntness wipes the smile off her face
>"vhat?"
>You shut your eyes tight, holding back whatever emotion wanting to overcome you.
"Shoot me, i've got no choice, i cant betray Twilight, i cant betray her friends and everyone else i know, i get it, i'm either an ally or a foe, so get this over with quick, i-i dont want to-."
>Aryanne shushs you with her hoof, her face cold and serious
>"Fräulein, we make sacrifices for our future -"
>You push away her hoof, tears on your eyes, you hide them burying your face on your hooves.
"No, no. I-i dont wanna leave them, i dont want to be your enemy i-i just wanna do the right thing"
>Filly sobs echo through the room
>You feel something press against your head
>Your whole body trembles as you shut your eyes tight, waiting for the blast
>Just a sharp pain and then it will be all over
>The smell of vanilla fills your nostrils, as you feel the thing moving downwards, accompanying your mane
>Wait what
>You raise your head and dry the tears away with your hoof
>Aryanne is petting you wearing a concerned expression
"W-wha?"
>"I should not have put so much pressure on you, mein kleiner"
>Aryanne's calmness and behavior takes you by surprise, you stare at her in confusion.
>She pulls closer, pushing your face against her chest.
>You instinctively comply, leaning against her soft fur. She does smells of vanilla.
>Closing your eyes, you can hear her heartbeat, the soft rhythm in company of her caresses, makes your whole body relax.
>You let out a breath you didn't even realize you were holding, suddenly you feel exposed, vulnerable, but at the same time warm and protected.
>You let the tears escape your eyes, all of those emotions deep inside you escape, and seemingly evaporate as they meet the warmth of your protector
>"Das tut mir leid, i should have explain, you dont have to choose, you already have ze weltanschauung within you"
>Aryanne stops petting you and holds your cheeks, raising your head a bit and looking into your eyes
>"I dont want you to betray, i want you to protect"
>You look away shyly
>"Can i trust you with this, little one?"
>You nod softly, she gives you a smile
>"Wunderbar! ponyville vill be most right on your hooves!"
>She snuggles you a bit and lets go, seemingly happy with the turn of events
>"I'll be leaning now, zehre are places in need to remember their gift-"
"Aryanne"
>You hold onto her hoof, interrupting her
>"Ja?"
"Can you hold me again?"
>She gives you the brightest smile
>"As long as you want"
File (): BFB0FF31A775488BEB71BE7F9D6D9552-112721.jpg (110.1 KB, 1280x720, 1519789917660.jpg)
>>344893
>Read Rainmetall
I'll check it out anon, thanks
Maybe I'll give you my opinion on if after i read it
>Read Rainmetall
I'll check it out anon, thanks
Maybe I'll give you my opinion on if after i read it
File (): 164BAE991C80538C432F03611E450B01-3637171.png (3.5 MB, 2033x3181, aryanne_banana.png)
File (): C8D3F7FBC77167CE22B0BEBB46C891DE-236310.png (230.8 KB, 366x455, Untitled.png)
File (): 33983A795C848883642BB8AA5EE80663-35178.jpg (34.4 KB, 453x373, 1433119017024.jpg)
>>>/mlpol/345006 →
Goddammit! I am genuinely convinced that my story as an idea or concept is pretty darn good, it would be well received here, even. Given certain posts pointing out mistakes and otherwise dissatisfaction caused by other works.
But I suck so much ass in the technical department and my drawfag is way too busy to fully commit to the comic/manga project.
What do?
Goddammit! I am genuinely convinced that my story as an idea or concept is pretty darn good, it would be well received here, even. Given certain posts pointing out mistakes and otherwise dissatisfaction caused by other works.
But I suck so much ass in the technical department and my drawfag is way too busy to fully commit to the comic/manga project.
What do?
>>345016
Uh, haven't made any changes, if that's what you mean. cuz I need to be very specific with the artist. And don't worry, I'll fuck off to my own bread if I actually carry on with the comic
>Part 1
https://ponepaste.org/6273
>Part 2
https://ponepaste.org/6836
Password(only the second part): kaisereich117
Uh, haven't made any changes, if that's what you mean. cuz I need to be very specific with the artist. And don't worry, I'll fuck off to my own bread if I actually carry on with the comic
>Part 1
https://ponepaste.org/6273
>Part 2
https://ponepaste.org/6836
Password(only the second part): kaisereich117
File (): 15B1C0183DEE7AD5BFE9B8BBEB05273C-113338.jpg (110.7 KB, 584x900, deviantart-nendo23-909966502.jpg)
>>345017
No, post the link in the future or the thread. It would be nice to be able to cleanly follow up.
You don't need to worry. I'm not concerned about whether or not you made changes.
No, post the link in the future or the thread. It would be nice to be able to cleanly follow up.
You don't need to worry. I'm not concerned about whether or not you made changes.
File (): 9132FBAD6B21D927212DAFDFCCE5F464-61066.jpg (59.6 KB, 737x983, fluttershy__element_of_kindness_by_maxwindy_d4se41t-fullview.jpg)
>>345020
"They're coming from the east! I repeat! They're coming from the east!" The call repeated throughout the base.
A legion of soldiers fled like ants swarming an anthill over an uneven field. In the middle of the upheaval, some soldiers have the presence of mind to destroy bridges, artillery pieces, supplies, and everything that could possibly be useful to the enemy.
”Kaiser should've never trusted that monster!” a sergeant shouted out in despair.
A croaking roar reached the sergeant's ears. He whips around and with bloodshot eyes, he stares at his private.
”We gotta run...” he whispers before they set the whole room of crates on fire and they bolt out of there.
As if the Ursa Major himself slashed the sky with his paws, dark smoke trails striped the sky but it's actually caused by projectiles as they fly by overhead.
”HQ! HQ! Do you copy? We're twenty to one! They breach sector barracked at sector four-sigma. WE CAN'T HOLD THEM!” a female official shouted into a radio mic.
She almost shoves it into her mouth as her eyes dart focus on her surrounding. Behind her, the rest of her platoon apply medical aid to engineers and workers but only the ones the severely injured. The attack from the flies had taken them by surprise.
A few tears run down her face. ”Please... HQ... We have civilians...”
I could write it like this for you. It would help me figure out my own writing problems while helping you. Would you like me to write it like this? I kinda do but that might not help you in what you want help with, perhaps?
"They're coming from the east! I repeat! They're coming from the east!" The call repeated throughout the base.
A legion of soldiers fled like ants swarming an anthill over an uneven field. In the middle of the upheaval, some soldiers have the presence of mind to destroy bridges, artillery pieces, supplies, and everything that could possibly be useful to the enemy.
”Kaiser should've never trusted that monster!” a sergeant shouted out in despair.
A croaking roar reached the sergeant's ears. He whips around and with bloodshot eyes, he stares at his private.
”We gotta run...” he whispers before they set the whole room of crates on fire and they bolt out of there.
As if the Ursa Major himself slashed the sky with his paws, dark smoke trails striped the sky but it's actually caused by projectiles as they fly by overhead.
”HQ! HQ! Do you copy? We're twenty to one! They breach sector barracked at sector four-sigma. WE CAN'T HOLD THEM!” a female official shouted into a radio mic.
She almost shoves it into her mouth as her eyes dart focus on her surrounding. Behind her, the rest of her platoon apply medical aid to engineers and workers but only the ones the severely injured. The attack from the flies had taken them by surprise.
A few tears run down her face. ”Please... HQ... We have civilians...”
I could write it like this for you. It would help me figure out my own writing problems while helping you. Would you like me to write it like this? I kinda do but that might not help you in what you want help with, perhaps?
>>345021
>I could write it like this for you. It would help me figure out my own writing problems while helping you. Would you like me to write it like this? I kinda do but that might not help you in what you want help with, perhaps?
Well, it's only two chapters, and it'll likely prove useful to me. So, go ahead fren, I like the idea.
>I could write it like this for you. It would help me figure out my own writing problems while helping you. Would you like me to write it like this? I kinda do but that might not help you in what you want help with, perhaps?
Well, it's only two chapters, and it'll likely prove useful to me. So, go ahead fren, I like the idea.
>>345023
"They're coming from the east! I repeat! They're coming from the east!" The call repeated throughout the base.
A legion of soldiers fled like ants swarming an anthill; they fled over an uneven field. In the middle of the upheaval, some soldiers had the presence of mind to destroy bridges, artillery pieces, supplies, and everything that could possibly be useful to the enemy.
”Kaiser should've never trusted that monster!” a sergeant shouted out in despair.
A croaking roar reached the sergeant's ears. He whipped around and with bloodshot eyes he stared at his private.
”We gotta run...” he whispered before they set the fuel soaked crates on fire and bolted out of there.
As if the Ursa Major himself slashed the sky with his paws, dark smoke trails striped the sky but they were actually caused by projectiles as they fly by overhead.
”HQ! HQ! Do you copy? We're twenty to one! They breach the barricade at sector four-sigma. WE CAN'T HOLD THEM!” a female official shouted into a radio mic.
She almost shoved it into her mouth as her eyes focused on her surrounding. Behind her, the rest of her platoon applied medical aid to engineers and workers but only the ones that were severely injured. The attack from the flies had taken them by surprise.
A few tears ran down her face. ”Please... HQ... We have civilians...”
It's funny, when I proofread, I get better results than when I send it through Grammarly. Not that it doesn't notice anything, it does, but this is way better this time.
>>345026
Good, then I'll do so.
"They're coming from the east! I repeat! They're coming from the east!" The call repeated throughout the base.
A legion of soldiers fled like ants swarming an anthill; they fled over an uneven field. In the middle of the upheaval, some soldiers had the presence of mind to destroy bridges, artillery pieces, supplies, and everything that could possibly be useful to the enemy.
”Kaiser should've never trusted that monster!” a sergeant shouted out in despair.
A croaking roar reached the sergeant's ears. He whipped around and with bloodshot eyes he stared at his private.
”We gotta run...” he whispered before they set the fuel soaked crates on fire and bolted out of there.
As if the Ursa Major himself slashed the sky with his paws, dark smoke trails striped the sky but they were actually caused by projectiles as they fly by overhead.
”HQ! HQ! Do you copy? We're twenty to one! They breach the barricade at sector four-sigma. WE CAN'T HOLD THEM!” a female official shouted into a radio mic.
She almost shoved it into her mouth as her eyes focused on her surrounding. Behind her, the rest of her platoon applied medical aid to engineers and workers but only the ones that were severely injured. The attack from the flies had taken them by surprise.
A few tears ran down her face. ”Please... HQ... We have civilians...”
It's funny, when I proofread, I get better results than when I send it through Grammarly. Not that it doesn't notice anything, it does, but this is way better this time.
>>345026
Good, then I'll do so.
>>345012
Did you consider maybe you're focusing too much on the visuals, instead of thinking of it as a story?
I believe this would look pretty awesome in a comic, or animation but personally to start off with all this action going on and little explanation, and having it drag for so long kind of makes me lost as what is happening and why should i care.
Also i don't think using two "..." in the same paragraph is a good idea, the three points can be helpful sometimes but if you overuse them, it just feels like a cheap attempt at building suspense.
About you describing every single detail of the character, like this Sturmflügen on its first appearance...Is- Is it really that important that the reader knows exactly what the pone is wearing?
Look at how lovecraft (whom loved describing things) usually went about it, he usually described only key things and didn't bother describing other unimportant details.
First, i want you to see how he describes something important, the busdriver from The shadow over Innsmouth:
"When the driver came out of the store I looked at him more carefully and tried to determine the source of my evil impression. He was a thin, stoop-shouldered man not much under six feet tall, dressed in shabby blue civilian clothes and wearing a frayed grey golf cap. His age was perhaps thirty-five, but the odd, deep creases in the sides of his neck made him seem older when one did not study his dull, expressionless face. He had a narrow head, bulging, watery blue eyes that seemed never to wink, a flat nose, a receding forehead and chin, and singularly undeveloped ears. His long, thick lip and coarse-pored, greyish cheeks seemed almost beardless except for some sparse yellow hairs that straggled and curled in irregular patches; and in places the surface seemed queerly irregular, as if peeling from some cutaneous disease. His hands were large and heavily veined, and had a very unusual greyish-blue tinge. The fingers were strikingly short in proportion to the rest of the structure, and seemed to have a tendency to curl closely into the huge palm. As he walked toward the bus I observed his peculiarly shambling gait and saw that his feet were inordinately immense. The more I studied them the more I wondered how he could buy any shoes to fit them.
A certain greasiness about the fellow increased my dislike. He was evidently given to working or lounging around the fish docks, and carried with him much of their characteristic smell. Just what foreign blood was in him I could not even guess. His oddities certainly did not look Asiatic, Polynesian, Levantine, or negroid, yet I could see why the people found him alien. I myself would have thought of biological degeneration rather than alienage."
As you can see, he put a lot of emphasis on this man's look and his body language/how he handled himself, and not so much on his clothes.
But then, i did say he just ignored a few things, and he does indeed, look at how he describes Miss Anna Tilton, from the same novel, she is introduced as follows:
"The librarian gave me a note of introduction to the curator of the Society, a Miss Anna Tilton, who lived nearby, and after a brief explanation that ancient gentlewoman was kind enough to pilot me into the closed building, since the hour was not outrageously late."
Beep boop, done
Damn, that was fast, wasn't it? one second he's talking at the librarian and the next second he's already at the old lady's house asking for a tour around a certain place, no description at all apart from her name and her age, so we get a feel on how she might look.
I'd say i got a problem with the very opening of this, because it tells me almost nothing.
>"They're coming from the east! I repeat! They're coming from the east!"
You see, opening with this line, i really have no idea where i am, who is talking, who is coming, why should i care...
Reading that line does not make me curious about the book, in my case i can just imagine this is some sort of war and people are fighting, and to find out that is just the case is not very surprising either.
Since i got innsmouth open in the other tab, let me show you the first line from this book:
"During the winter of 1927–28 officials of the Federal government made a strange and secret investigation of certain conditions in the ancient Massachusetts seaport of Innsmouth."
Now, look at what this does: It sets up the date and season
The winter of 1927
It gives us a subject to focus on
28 officials of the Federal government
It tells us what they are doing
made a strange and secret investigation of certain conditions
It tells us where they are doing it
in the ancient Massachusetts seaport of Innsmouth.
Damn boy, that's a fucking lot of information being conveyed in just one line, ain't it?
Yes, but he didn't tell us why were the government officials conducting a secret investigation, this pokes the curiosity, and that's the point since in this book we follow the story of a character trying to find out exactly what is wrong with this "innsmouth" place he has heard about.
Now, let's put your story through the same filter:
""They're coming from the east! I repeat! They're coming from the east!""
"Soldiers were fleeing in their thousands across the uneven open terrain, as the enemy closes in, the soldiers destroy everything behind them as they retreat, bridges and artillery pieces were blown off while ammo and supply caches were set on fire."
Who?
Soldiers...A thousand? (??)
What?
Fleeing!
Where
Across the uneven open terrain? (??)
-As the enemy closes in, blablabla
Yeah
Can you see the problem here?
Did you consider maybe you're focusing too much on the visuals, instead of thinking of it as a story?
I believe this would look pretty awesome in a comic, or animation but personally to start off with all this action going on and little explanation, and having it drag for so long kind of makes me lost as what is happening and why should i care.
Also i don't think using two "..." in the same paragraph is a good idea, the three points can be helpful sometimes but if you overuse them, it just feels like a cheap attempt at building suspense.
About you describing every single detail of the character, like this Sturmflügen on its first appearance...Is- Is it really that important that the reader knows exactly what the pone is wearing?
Look at how lovecraft (whom loved describing things) usually went about it, he usually described only key things and didn't bother describing other unimportant details.
First, i want you to see how he describes something important, the busdriver from The shadow over Innsmouth:
"When the driver came out of the store I looked at him more carefully and tried to determine the source of my evil impression. He was a thin, stoop-shouldered man not much under six feet tall, dressed in shabby blue civilian clothes and wearing a frayed grey golf cap. His age was perhaps thirty-five, but the odd, deep creases in the sides of his neck made him seem older when one did not study his dull, expressionless face. He had a narrow head, bulging, watery blue eyes that seemed never to wink, a flat nose, a receding forehead and chin, and singularly undeveloped ears. His long, thick lip and coarse-pored, greyish cheeks seemed almost beardless except for some sparse yellow hairs that straggled and curled in irregular patches; and in places the surface seemed queerly irregular, as if peeling from some cutaneous disease. His hands were large and heavily veined, and had a very unusual greyish-blue tinge. The fingers were strikingly short in proportion to the rest of the structure, and seemed to have a tendency to curl closely into the huge palm. As he walked toward the bus I observed his peculiarly shambling gait and saw that his feet were inordinately immense. The more I studied them the more I wondered how he could buy any shoes to fit them.
A certain greasiness about the fellow increased my dislike. He was evidently given to working or lounging around the fish docks, and carried with him much of their characteristic smell. Just what foreign blood was in him I could not even guess. His oddities certainly did not look Asiatic, Polynesian, Levantine, or negroid, yet I could see why the people found him alien. I myself would have thought of biological degeneration rather than alienage."
As you can see, he put a lot of emphasis on this man's look and his body language/how he handled himself, and not so much on his clothes.
But then, i did say he just ignored a few things, and he does indeed, look at how he describes Miss Anna Tilton, from the same novel, she is introduced as follows:
"The librarian gave me a note of introduction to the curator of the Society, a Miss Anna Tilton, who lived nearby, and after a brief explanation that ancient gentlewoman was kind enough to pilot me into the closed building, since the hour was not outrageously late."
Beep boop, done
Damn, that was fast, wasn't it? one second he's talking at the librarian and the next second he's already at the old lady's house asking for a tour around a certain place, no description at all apart from her name and her age, so we get a feel on how she might look.
I'd say i got a problem with the very opening of this, because it tells me almost nothing.
>"They're coming from the east! I repeat! They're coming from the east!"
You see, opening with this line, i really have no idea where i am, who is talking, who is coming, why should i care...
Reading that line does not make me curious about the book, in my case i can just imagine this is some sort of war and people are fighting, and to find out that is just the case is not very surprising either.
Since i got innsmouth open in the other tab, let me show you the first line from this book:
"During the winter of 1927–28 officials of the Federal government made a strange and secret investigation of certain conditions in the ancient Massachusetts seaport of Innsmouth."
Now, look at what this does: It sets up the date and season
The winter of 1927
It gives us a subject to focus on
28 officials of the Federal government
It tells us what they are doing
made a strange and secret investigation of certain conditions
It tells us where they are doing it
in the ancient Massachusetts seaport of Innsmouth.
Damn boy, that's a fucking lot of information being conveyed in just one line, ain't it?
Yes, but he didn't tell us why were the government officials conducting a secret investigation, this pokes the curiosity, and that's the point since in this book we follow the story of a character trying to find out exactly what is wrong with this "innsmouth" place he has heard about.
Now, let's put your story through the same filter:
""They're coming from the east! I repeat! They're coming from the east!""
"Soldiers were fleeing in their thousands across the uneven open terrain, as the enemy closes in, the soldiers destroy everything behind them as they retreat, bridges and artillery pieces were blown off while ammo and supply caches were set on fire."
Who?
Soldiers...A thousand? (??)
What?
Fleeing!
Where
Across the uneven open terrain? (??)
-As the enemy closes in, blablabla
Yeah
Can you see the problem here?
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>>345027
>Good, then I'll do so.
Btw, this is what I was getting at here. >>339900
>>345036
>Did you consider maybe you're focusing too much on the visuals, instead of thinking of it as a story?
Hmm, am not so sure about this one. But you're right, I should've been a lot more concise about it. Some anons felt like the visual descriptions were lacking but that was later on.
>I believe this would look pretty awesome in a comic, or animation but personally to start off with all this action going on and little explanation, and having it drag for so long kind of makes me lost as what is happening and why should i care.
>Yes, but he didn't tell us why were the government officials conducting a secret investigation, this pokes the curiosity, and that's the point.
I did wanted to be vague about some stuff to fuel curiosity, but it seems like I've failed at that. Or the means I used weren't exactly the best for the task.
>on its first appearance
Yeah...it was probably too much in one go.
>Also i don't think using two "..." in the same paragraph is a good idea.
Oh, feel free to point that out, but I've been made aware about the three dot spam that chokes both chapters. I really hope I didn't just discourage you now.
Also, I really appreciate you taking the time to give it a read, as with anyone.
But I am particularly interested in your take, you being Spanish speaker and all; it'll probably make everything easier to grasp. Or worse, a good chunk of my grammatical fuck-ups are also fuck-ups in Spanish
>Good, then I'll do so.
Btw, this is what I was getting at here. >>339900
>>345036
>Did you consider maybe you're focusing too much on the visuals, instead of thinking of it as a story?
Hmm, am not so sure about this one. But you're right, I should've been a lot more concise about it. Some anons felt like the visual descriptions were lacking but that was later on.
>I believe this would look pretty awesome in a comic, or animation but personally to start off with all this action going on and little explanation, and having it drag for so long kind of makes me lost as what is happening and why should i care.
>Yes, but he didn't tell us why were the government officials conducting a secret investigation, this pokes the curiosity, and that's the point.
I did wanted to be vague about some stuff to fuel curiosity, but it seems like I've failed at that. Or the means I used weren't exactly the best for the task.
>on its first appearance
Yeah...it was probably too much in one go.
>Also i don't think using two "..." in the same paragraph is a good idea.
Oh, feel free to point that out, but I've been made aware about the three dot spam that chokes both chapters. I really hope I didn't just discourage you now.
Also, I really appreciate you taking the time to give it a read, as with anyone.
But I am particularly interested in your take, you being Spanish speaker and all; it'll probably make everything easier to grasp. Or worse, a good chunk of my grammatical fuck-ups are also fuck-ups in Spanish
>>345039
>Some anons felt like the visual descriptions were lacking but that was later on.
I mean, it is your writing style and some authors have weird writing styles that, somehow, manage to work, but it's just that thing I pointed out: Reading this makes me feel like it's supposed to be /seen/ and not read.
It reminds me a lot about reading a movie script, they tend to be really descriptive of the explosions and actions, maybe even a DnD log.
When it comes to novels, I can't remember the last time I read something that focused so much in visual details and actions, like your opening and fight scenes.
>But I am particularly interested in your take, you being Spanish speaker and all; it'll probably make everything easier to grasp.
I really have no idea how that's supposed to help haha
I was planning on finishing it today but the lights went out, I'll resume reading it soon enough.
>Some anons felt like the visual descriptions were lacking but that was later on.
I mean, it is your writing style and some authors have weird writing styles that, somehow, manage to work, but it's just that thing I pointed out: Reading this makes me feel like it's supposed to be /seen/ and not read.
It reminds me a lot about reading a movie script, they tend to be really descriptive of the explosions and actions, maybe even a DnD log.
When it comes to novels, I can't remember the last time I read something that focused so much in visual details and actions, like your opening and fight scenes.
>But I am particularly interested in your take, you being Spanish speaker and all; it'll probably make everything easier to grasp.
I really have no idea how that's supposed to help haha
I was planning on finishing it today but the lights went out, I'll resume reading it soon enough.
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>>345039
I like how the second part is written, maybe because it's closer to what i'm used to when it comes to prose.
Honestly, now that i understand a bit more of what is going on, i find it very interesting.
Worldbuilding-wise, this is a very interesting story, and i see you like to focus a lot on the political tensions between all the powers, that is also quite nice.
If anything, i still get the feeling this is written like a movie script, i'm not sure if that's good or bad yet because the way animated media works and novels work are usually quite different, but hey i managed to read it all and didn't have an aneurysm, so it should be fine.
If anything some parts are written in a weird way, i guess those are the main troubles it runs into, like the opening of the story, the way it shows you this huge battle first and then tells you what is happening...
You know, i actually have read -part- of a book that starts telling you something important without much explanation, and it was a good novel.
Let me show you how it starts, it's called Echo City:
"As it left the city, the thing did not once look back. It
walked with heavy steps, looked forward with rheumy eyes,
and its misted breath soon dispersed in the air. It did not
look back, because its purpose was ahead, and large though
this thing was, its brain was small and simple, its reason for
being very precise. It moved away from the world and out
into the Bonelands, and it would never return."
You can apply the same What, Who, When, Where, Why questions to this if you feel like it, but yeah that's the opening of the book.
No explanation, no nothing, we jump right into some "thing" leaving the city without looking back, you can see this leaves more questions than answers, but at the same time, the information we can get from this paragraph and the ones that follow is that this world is a very hostile place.
So, why is Echo City opening engaging? Because it hints at worldbuilding at every step, it leaves us with questions which it promises to answer and- despite it's lack of an exact description- it's quite visually rich, as the reader can clearly picture the bonelands in their mind, just by hearing the general descriptions the author gives and how the creature starts to crumble apart as it makes it's way through the bonelands.
It is fine to start something with an unrelated scene that's important to set the tone or hint at the worldbuilding, or explain something very important that we yet do not comprehend.
But doing so can be tricky, if done in the wrong way, you might just make the reader feel lost and if the reader feels lost or does not care about what is happening, he or she will most likely drop the piece before it gets to the important part.
It's also important not to drag a piece for way longer than it is welcomed, gosh some authors just love the sound of the keys typing and they end up writing a 160 pages novel on something that could very well be resolved in 80-100 pages. (Like some novel i read a few days ago, it was called The Collector, i have a lot of things to say about it but i wont)
I think you will do well nonny, i see a lot of potential in your story, i hope you keep practicing because i know you can write-up something very interesting.
I like how the second part is written, maybe because it's closer to what i'm used to when it comes to prose.
Honestly, now that i understand a bit more of what is going on, i find it very interesting.
Worldbuilding-wise, this is a very interesting story, and i see you like to focus a lot on the political tensions between all the powers, that is also quite nice.
If anything, i still get the feeling this is written like a movie script, i'm not sure if that's good or bad yet because the way animated media works and novels work are usually quite different, but hey i managed to read it all and didn't have an aneurysm, so it should be fine.
If anything some parts are written in a weird way, i guess those are the main troubles it runs into, like the opening of the story, the way it shows you this huge battle first and then tells you what is happening...
You know, i actually have read -part- of a book that starts telling you something important without much explanation, and it was a good novel.
Let me show you how it starts, it's called Echo City:
"As it left the city, the thing did not once look back. It
walked with heavy steps, looked forward with rheumy eyes,
and its misted breath soon dispersed in the air. It did not
look back, because its purpose was ahead, and large though
this thing was, its brain was small and simple, its reason for
being very precise. It moved away from the world and out
into the Bonelands, and it would never return."
You can apply the same What, Who, When, Where, Why questions to this if you feel like it, but yeah that's the opening of the book.
No explanation, no nothing, we jump right into some "thing" leaving the city without looking back, you can see this leaves more questions than answers, but at the same time, the information we can get from this paragraph and the ones that follow is that this world is a very hostile place.
So, why is Echo City opening engaging? Because it hints at worldbuilding at every step, it leaves us with questions which it promises to answer and- despite it's lack of an exact description- it's quite visually rich, as the reader can clearly picture the bonelands in their mind, just by hearing the general descriptions the author gives and how the creature starts to crumble apart as it makes it's way through the bonelands.
It is fine to start something with an unrelated scene that's important to set the tone or hint at the worldbuilding, or explain something very important that we yet do not comprehend.
But doing so can be tricky, if done in the wrong way, you might just make the reader feel lost and if the reader feels lost or does not care about what is happening, he or she will most likely drop the piece before it gets to the important part.
It's also important not to drag a piece for way longer than it is welcomed, gosh some authors just love the sound of the keys typing and they end up writing a 160 pages novel on something that could very well be resolved in 80-100 pages. (Like some novel i read a few days ago, it was called The Collector, i have a lot of things to say about it but i wont)
I think you will do well nonny, i see a lot of potential in your story, i hope you keep practicing because i know you can write-up something very interesting.
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>>345042
>>345049
Sorry for the late reply, it was a busy day I didn't expected.
>Honestly, now that i understand a bit more of what is going on, i find it very interesting.
>Worldbuilding-wise, this is a very interesting story, and i see you like to focus a lot on the political tensions between all the powers, that is also quite nice.
Thanks, is relieving to hear you had an easier time following the story. And am glad you were able to enjoy it to some degree.
>If anything, i still get the feeling this is written like a movie script, i'm not sure if that's good or bad yet because the way animated media works and novels work are usually quite different.
You are right, and this is no justification, but I honestly started writing this with the comic in mind.
>You know, i actually have read -part- of a book that starts telling you something important without much explanation, and it was a good novel.Let me show you how it starts, it's called Echo City...It is fine to start something with an unrelated scene that's important to set the tone or hint at the worldbuilding, or explain something very important that we yet do not comprehend.
>But doing so can be tricky, if done in the wrong way, you might just make the reader feel lost and if the reader feels lost or does not care about what is happening, he or she will most likely drop the piece before it gets to the important part.
Alright, this is honestly stellar. Thanks a lot anon, I'll come back to this post when I work on my re-write.
>It's also important not to drag a piece for way longer than it is welcomed.
Yeah, don't worry I'll rather be as brief as possible due to time constraints.
>I mean, it is your writing style and some authors have weird writing styles that, somehow, manage to work.
I think I was wrong there. The other anon did suggested a bit more detail but it does align more with this:
<"As you can see, he put a lot of emphasis on this man's look and his body language/how he handled himself, and not so much on his clothes."
As he did mentioned body language. So, in case you're lurkin' nearby, sorry anon.
>I really have no idea how that's supposed to help haha
Well, I dunno if it had something to do with it, but you've managed to follow the story a lot better than anyone else. not their fault
>I think you will do well nonny, i see a lot of potential in your story, i hope you keep practicing because i know you can write-up something very interesting.
Thanks mate, I really appreciate your time and effort reading and providing feedback. You were quick, clear, concise and provided more than pertinent examples along the way. I wish I could have given back an equal reply.
Thanks a lot again, all in all, am glad I made that joke.
>>345049
Sorry for the late reply, it was a busy day I didn't expected.
>Honestly, now that i understand a bit more of what is going on, i find it very interesting.
>Worldbuilding-wise, this is a very interesting story, and i see you like to focus a lot on the political tensions between all the powers, that is also quite nice.
Thanks, is relieving to hear you had an easier time following the story. And am glad you were able to enjoy it to some degree.
>If anything, i still get the feeling this is written like a movie script, i'm not sure if that's good or bad yet because the way animated media works and novels work are usually quite different.
You are right, and this is no justification, but I honestly started writing this with the comic in mind.
>You know, i actually have read -part- of a book that starts telling you something important without much explanation, and it was a good novel.Let me show you how it starts, it's called Echo City...It is fine to start something with an unrelated scene that's important to set the tone or hint at the worldbuilding, or explain something very important that we yet do not comprehend.
>But doing so can be tricky, if done in the wrong way, you might just make the reader feel lost and if the reader feels lost or does not care about what is happening, he or she will most likely drop the piece before it gets to the important part.
Alright, this is honestly stellar. Thanks a lot anon, I'll come back to this post when I work on my re-write.
>It's also important not to drag a piece for way longer than it is welcomed.
Yeah, don't worry I'll rather be as brief as possible due to time constraints.
>I mean, it is your writing style and some authors have weird writing styles that, somehow, manage to work.
I think I was wrong there. The other anon did suggested a bit more detail but it does align more with this:
<"As you can see, he put a lot of emphasis on this man's look and his body language/how he handled himself, and not so much on his clothes."
As he did mentioned body language. So, in case you're lurkin' nearby, sorry anon.
>I really have no idea how that's supposed to help haha
Well, I dunno if it had something to do with it, but you've managed to follow the story a lot better than anyone else. not their fault
>I think you will do well nonny, i see a lot of potential in your story, i hope you keep practicing because i know you can write-up something very interesting.
Thanks mate, I really appreciate your time and effort reading and providing feedback. You were quick, clear, concise and provided more than pertinent examples along the way. I wish I could have given back an equal reply.
Thanks a lot again, all in all, am glad I made that joke.
Found something brilliantly written but it's not pony fanfiction
https://archiveofourown.org/works/22043224?view_full_work=true
I didn't think I would read it all but the story sucked me in. Felt like time wasn't even passing as I read it. It even made me feel emotions! And it had some great scenes with characters I didn't even like in the original, they turned out better here.
Is this what good writing looks like? The descriptions of the world seem superb and the author has a great grasp of the characters. I'd call parts of it too edgy if the level of violence and darkness present wasn't typical for the story's inspiration or lesser in comparison. In however much of this you want to read, what is there to analyze?
https://archiveofourown.org/works/22043224?view_full_work=true
I didn't think I would read it all but the story sucked me in. Felt like time wasn't even passing as I read it. It even made me feel emotions! And it had some great scenes with characters I didn't even like in the original, they turned out better here.
Is this what good writing looks like? The descriptions of the world seem superb and the author has a great grasp of the characters. I'd call parts of it too edgy if the level of violence and darkness present wasn't typical for the story's inspiration or lesser in comparison. In however much of this you want to read, what is there to analyze?
>>345236
I'll read it soon enough and tell you, but i must inquire, if it is good writing what you're striving for, why not read a real book to use as example, instead of fanfiction?
I'll read it soon enough and tell you, but i must inquire, if it is good writing what you're striving for, why not read a real book to use as example, instead of fanfiction?
What easily understood evil shit can an invading SJW army from SJWland do to the hero's hometown and its people?
It has to be something understandable for general audiences new to politics, because in this piece of media I'm only taking politics as far as "SJWs are bad because liberalism doesn't work". No jew or WW2 stuff. Once people move to sites where they can talk about SJWs, they eventually watch videos about that stuff anyway, learning of the jewish origins of marxism and the marxist origins of SJWism.
It has to be something understandable for general audiences new to politics, because in this piece of media I'm only taking politics as far as "SJWs are bad because liberalism doesn't work". No jew or WW2 stuff. Once people move to sites where they can talk about SJWs, they eventually watch videos about that stuff anyway, learning of the jewish origins of marxism and the marxist origins of SJWism.
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