/mlpol/ - My Little Politics


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Writefag Support Circle: A Gathering of Based Gentlemen Who Smoke Pipes.
Anonymous
78d7e52
?
No.336928
336929 336941 336955 337011 338530 357376
Hello. This is the second thread of the writefag circle, here: >>299458 →

Basically all that is said in that OP applies to this one but I'll go through the 'rules' of this thread here as well.

So, the main point of this thread is to facilitate and enable Anons' writefagging; in a similar way pride facilitates and enables aids.;^P The Anons in this thread can be seperated into two camps: Anons who wants help with their writing project(s) and Anons that feel inclined to help those aforementioned shrek-colored skinheads.

Crafting and beta-reading is what we do here, any critique of literature not made by a guy submitted for this thread should be incidental; it should be when you —as a beta-reader of fics posted ITT— make a comparision between the fic your reviewing and some other story for the sake of demonstrating your point, whatever it is.

This is NOT: A review thread for unsolicited rants about random media which does not fall into the mold for how to use a refrence in this thread described in the above paragraph. Meaning if you're not using —like, let's pick something arbitrary— Naruto for a comparision in your critique of someone's writing itt, then don't bring it up. I understand that tangents can happen and if it's like a few exchanges with a pair of posters; then it's fine. However, don't make this a pattern and also move whatever off-thread-topic discussion to a more fitting board/thread. There's after all no problem with finding someone to converse with and share perspectives on a subject you care about but just take it to an appropriate thread. Sidenote: Nigel, these rules applies to you in a stricter fashion because I would not have to detail them with this much precision if it weren't for you.

I hope that I haven't scared anybody off. This is still suppose to be a chill af thread. Funposting is very much allowed and encouraged. It really is more that some type of posting —like, things that are completely irrelevant to the thread— does not belong here. I know, rocket-science and a rule that is seldom seen and highly unique for this thread. Perhaps you could call it a... Novelty. (You) intelligent lurker, obviously get the subtext of this OP so you probably won't need to worry about any of this. I'd say if you're unsure if what you're about to post belongs in the thread, then post it anyway. The worst that can happen is that someone tells you to move it to another thread and you get a better insight of what post belongs in thread. If you consist on fish and chips, however, I'd sugguest you think twice on what you're posting and perhaps even ask beforehand if your rant about lefties and Undertale belongs here.

If there are any questions on the OP, ask away?
631 replies and 142 files omitted.
Anonymous
645653f
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No.340005
340017
1E7384336DB2819FB5C4CBC1E607462C-248240.png
>>339992
>I'm a bit curious what gave you that impression? Was it my latest "story" (even if it was more like an action scene without context)?
Your latest job is one such example, but i think you've had the touch since that earlier Revengeful-Shim greentext of the previous bread. which is kind of the greentext that got me started on Rainmetall. Yeah, you can either feel pride or cringe now

>>339988
>>339989
Ironic, given the fact I only started trying to learn english because the political discourse 'round here is 90% non-sense, and the rest good old mexican banter.
Anonymous
be50d13
?
No.340017
340106
Sunset sucha Rebel.jfif
>>340005
Well, then I feel proud.
I think Rainmetall is cool in concept, the formatting problems were the real problems. I have so far, then again, I haven't actually read your whole story, no problems with the plot of your story. It's good.
I wrote that piece because, while I never picked out an official best pony, I have obsessed over Sunset the most. Read endless series of fanfics on her and thought about writing stories about her myself. I especially like to think about the possibility of her and Cadance studying under Celestia at the same time. I can't help but wonder what kind of relationship the pair could have had.
Ooh, I just noticed that pic of a pillow-throwing Sunset is what I had attached in with that story.
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.340062
340063
Is he right? Is this what makes the women in Arcane so well-written, or is he just talking out of his ass?
https://youtu.be/hML-FGHGEN4
Anonymous
7ceeeeb
?
No.340063
340094
>>340062
https://www.wcofun.com/anime/arcane
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.340094
340130
>>340063
Thanks bro I was using KissAnime and a Kickass Torrents proxy to watch Arcane
I am NEVER giving netflix money
Anonymous
ae393b2
?
No.340106
sunset_shimmer___my_past_is_not_today_by_shinta_girl_d8o4j80-fullview.jpg
>>340017
>Well, then I feel proud.
>I think Rainmetall is cool in concept
Thanks, glad you feel that way.
>I haven't actually read your whole story
Don't worry, I struggle to fully read a fic unless am absolutely engaged with it.

>I wrote that piece because, while I never picked out an official best pony, I have obsessed over Sunset the most.
It was easy to figure that one out, waifu or not.
>I especially like to think about the possibility of her and Cadance studying under Celestia at the same time.
I remember you suggested the prompt before. It's a pretty neat idea. You can tell that's why Cadence is on Rainmetall

>I just noticed that pic of a pillow-throwing Sunset is what I had attached in with that story
Exactly.
Just keep workin' on it!
Anonymous
4f63717
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No.340130
>>340094
No Problem.
Anonymous
074f1da
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No.341000
341025 341049
Do you think Fallout Equestria: Lionheart tries too hard to be adult in an inauthentic way?
At the time making the hero a male prostitute seemed like a good metaphor for how society fucks him.
But the hook with Twilight dragged people into an exciting chase with a character they already care for: Twilight Sparkle.
The audience has less reason than usual to care about OCs because this is not a new piece of media they suspended their disbelief for, this is fanfiction and they come into it with expectations they feel entitled to have fulfilled. Making the main heroine a literal clone of Twilight wasn't enough, I should have written an elderly Twilight on her deathbed sending a message through time to her past self to warn her of the future and get a young idealistic hopeful Twilight Sparkle who did nothing wrong to try and clean up every last mistake in Fallout Equestria.
Or divorced it entirely from FE and FIM so a story about humans being oppressed by libtards doesnt have to tie into nuclear pony retardity.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.341025
341049 341053
received_330875912223964.jpeg
>>341000
Legit criticism. It isnt that FoE:l tries too hard [...] its that all of your writing does. For instance, you simply cannot do 'subtlety' and yet you write as though you dont expect the reader to get that you were trying to be subtle.
For example, the method you use to apply 'flaws' to characters is basic. You dont include flaws because you want the character(s) to grow/develop, you include them because you have read/been-told that the characters are supposed to have flaws to overcome over the course of the story, but complicated flaws and development are really hard to write, so your mom lol. There is the faintest starlight glimmer of recognition of what MIGHT be a better storyline, but at the climax of execution you regularly resort to cheap tropes and out-of-context and/or irrelevant (read: lazy) memes and jokes that convey a subtle message of "I cant be arsed, because you're simply not worth the effort to do a better job".
Thats how your writing comes across.
And before you ask, no I DONT care to figure out what would be 'better', thats like asking what sound would be better than nails on a chalkboard; 'please god anything but more of that' is the general sentiment, though Im speaking purely from my experience.
Anonymous
fedd971
?
No.341049
341053 341147
>>341000
I agree with most of what he [ >>341025 ] says, I'm only hesitant on some stuff.
I'd say you're making the same flaw as Disney made for the Star Wars sequels: Focusing on fan service.
Yes, bronies like already established characters from fim but it's not like there is no market for ocs in the community. On another note but with a thin connection, you want to use Twilight to bait bronies into reading your story. This is the impression I get, anyway. There are two problems with this: You assume that after you hooked the bronies into your story, they will obviously like the none-Twilight parts of your story. The second thing, which is admittedly kinda cute, is that you think that Twilight just being in a story is enough for the bronies to read it. While people have faves and are more likely to read a story with them included, it's still only half the puzzle. The second part is to have something to combine the character with, like a premise.

I got an epiphany about my own issues today and it fits kinda with what your problem is. I'd advise focusing less on the appeal of your stories and more on not having flaws in whatever you write. So
Anonymous
074f1da
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No.341053
341074 341147
>>341049
Not only was Twilight in the story at first, she was running from rapists. For the sake of those with no idea who raiders are they announced "we are going to rape you" but I think I spelled that out too much for those who already know. I could have written her thinking "those sons of bitches got fluttershy" but that would turn away fluttershy fans. Anyway it was a great hook right until an overpowered guy showed up as a joke and they talked too much and I mocked Fallouts gameplay contrivances turned up to 11 in FE one too many times. I think that part ruined the hook. Suddenly Twilight was just a character in a book inside the book and that is too meta. Suddenly the story focuses on the writer of the book and how society fucks him but people just wanted to see Twilight find a healing potion for her horn and magically obliterate all rapists on her way to the designated chosen one destination.
>>341025
Having a low charisma character in Fallout is good for the meta because it means more points for more useful stats. I wasn't sure how else to show his poor social skills but saying your mom to a grieving man and making "i have to take a shit, bye" his idea of sweet talking his way out of a situation seemed like a good way to display that.
Anonymous
9f5a4f9
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No.341074
341084
275353082_1563789900689000_5340635610055340145_n.png
>>341053
>meta
I kind of dislike presence of meta terminology in fiction, even that based on video games. It's often immersion-breaking, and hardly has any real significance that couldn't be better described through other literary devices, especially those numbers and power scaling terms aren't put in context. Even when they do have context, the reader of a work of fiction will hardly appreciate that raw stats of a story based on a game nearly as much as they'd appreciate vivid imagery that illustrates what happened without referring to stats.
>"His power level... It-It's OVER 9000!"
-doesn't always have the same dramatic effect.
I noticed that asian (japanese, chinese, korean) lite novels tend to do this a lot, especially crap mmo Isekais type ones. Instead of saying how high his charisma stat actually is, you should express his low charisma through his habits and mannerisms. Same goes for strong characters, as you should describe them physically or have them do feats of strength in both casual and dramatic circumstances.
Of course, creating a character with low charisma in reference to typical fallout characters might be appreciated by fallout players, but even if they have low charisma you should consider the impact on their behavior on the audience's perception of them if you want the readers to like the character. If you make them randomly edgy/dickish with little context, what could have been an endearing flaw could instead make your audience dislike a generic edgelord character.
A good way of expressing character's with low charisma would be to add some dramatic irony to the situation, usually by giving the reader direct insight into what the character is trying to communicate, through narration or internal monologue, and juxtaposing it with some graphic dialogue of the character spilling spagetti and failing to get the point across, preferably with some imagery of the character's tone of voice and visual's of either party's confused/offended expression, perhaps followed by some internal monologue or subtle narration of the low-Cha party mentally kicking themselves as they screw up. It has the opportunity to be comedic, relatable and cute, and decent for character development as characters are best developed through vivid description of their habits and mannerisms.
I've noticed teen novels like the Percy Jackson series tend to do this. Not saying those books are the best, but they do a decent job of illustrating autistic, ADD teenagers, which are an example of characters that I would consider "low charisma".

Pic unrelated, but I felt like posting anyway.
Anonymous
074f1da
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No.341084
341086
rabbet.png
>>341074
Spaghetti sperging up social situations sounds excellent! I'll have my character do that.
I was avoiding that specifically because I was afraid of ripping off too much from Legosi from Beastars, he had a lot of scenes where he deepthroated his own feet. Not in the gay furry porn way but you know what I mean. Scenes where he fucked up social interaction felt endearing. But he didn't copyright those, other male characters can be awkward like him. I should stop trying to change my work based on fears that it would be too much like one thing and not enough like another.
Anonymous
9f5a4f9
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No.341086
341145 341160
>>341084
>I was avoiding that specifically because I was afraid of ripping off too much from Legosi from Beastars
Here's a tip for every form of writing: it's always been done before, and it will never be original. Legosi is far from the first spaghetti-spilling character. Instead of going out of your way to avoid cliches, focus on improving your descriptions and express your character's behavior in your own way.
Anonymous
074f1da
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No.341145
341146
>>341086
You're right!
I was also thinking... There are a lot of ways in which the enemy fucks whites over, and that takes ages to explain. Sometimes the issue spoke for itself like when some anti-natalist child-murdering creep walked over to the hero in a shirt proclaiming her love for abortion and talked at him about it. And sometimes I just paused the story to talk about an issue I wasn't sure how to fit into the story. I didn't even get to the part where Sparky goes on a date with "one of the good and less insane" liberal women and starts talking about his tragic backstory, only for her to become an overemotional unstable retard upon encountering evidence that her liberal policies hurt lives, because she was actually insane all along and there are no good ones and it was always about her feelings, never about really hurting people. I think my story might have had more political talk than story content. What even happened over the course of the chapters in the story, besides the guy going through an average day thinking about how much his life sucks? Maybe I should narrow my focus and pick one important issue rather than trying to tackle all of them.

I want the reader to root for the heroes and want the bad guys gone, but I got a few of my friends together and they got a few of their friends together, the whole group read this together a while ago and their reactions started out emotional before inching closer to "ALRIGHT, I GET IT!" each time something happened that felt repetitive like a scene where the villains did or said something bad. I mean, the villains literally gun down carnivore men, women, and children for attending the funeral for the oldest carnivore child. The left treats this funeral for a child they wanted unpersoned like they treat all unapproved protests they hate enough, only the left show up with drone strikes and bullets because that makes the process easier for the audience to understand. It seemed neater than having the hero walk past someone whose credit card suddenly doesn't work because he donated to the wrong political cause. Anyway at this point, my group of readers really wanted the hero to hulk out and start killing the enemy, saving lives, but that didn't happen. That seemed unsatisfying and I'm not sure how to get all my readers to hold on to that feeling until the hero finally starts striking blows against the enemy that matter, not when some get bored if there isn't an immediate gratifying moment of violent fantasy.

Maybe instead of showing up early to give the hero a business card before a day full of sadness, I should have covered that day in a montage. And then Twilight 2: Literally-Electric Boogaloo-Enthusiast should have blown something up while chased by murderous thugs, dragged him into a life or death chase/fight, and forced him into action. How many beloved movies start with the hero being forced into action, or better yet, forced into making a "Do the right thing or be a bystander faggot" decision that permanently robs him of the choice to go back to normal? Maybe that's the kind of breakneck pacing a novel needs if it's to get views and change minds.
Anonymous
074f1da
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No.341146
>>341145
>and her "liberalism" was always about her feelings, never about really helping people
fixed
Anonymous
8800eb7
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No.341147
341158 341161
>>341053
I don't care for your reply.
>Not only was Twilight in the story at first, she was running from rapists. For the sake of those with no idea who raiders are they announced "we are going to rape you" but I think I spelled that out too much for those who already know. I could have written her thinking "those sons of bitches got fluttershy" but that would turn away fluttershy fans. Anyway it was a great hook right until an overpowered guy showed up as a joke and they talked too much and I mocked Fallouts gameplay contrivances turned up to 11 in FE one too many times. I think that part ruined the hook. Suddenly Twilight was just a character in a book inside the book and that is too meta. Suddenly the story focuses on the writer of the book and how society fucks him but people just wanted to see Twilight find a healing potion for her horn and magically obliterate all rapists on her way to the designated chosen one destination.
This is not a reply to my >>341049 They have the vaguest connection between them being Twilight and hooks but they are clearly not about the same thing. You essentially changed the topicOr at least, it's non-sequitur., which is also known as gaslighting. What I don't understand is why? I'm not harsh nor I'm I humiliating you; why would you deflect my criticism? Did you do it intentionally, or what?

Regardless, this is what I meant back in the last thread about reflecting. I don't feel like we're having a conversation, more like I'm saying something outside of your impenetrable head and after I'm finished, you continue your monologue of thoughts. Like I'm a traffic light for your thoughts.

Whatever, I suppose you don't want my opinion so you won't receive it.
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.341158
341160 341164
>>341147
I talked about something else I was thinking about because I wasn't sure what to say in response to what you said. I'm not some scheming galaxy brain mastermind out to fuck with you, I'm socially inept.
Anonymous
583658e
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No.341160
1572656733169.png
>>341086
This is pretty good advice, I've faced the same issue before; and I've found that I'd rather put fun above originality. What good is it for an original concept, if its worse than every cliche? At least that was the case with some of my ideas
>>341158
>>>/ub/5278 →
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.341161
>>341147
Hey, I'm sorry I accidentally made you feel like you weren't being listened to. I know how frustrating that can be. I want to improve as a writer but I really have no idea what I'm doing when I write. I have a vague idea of the goal: I want people to understand it's wrong for society to abuse whites, kill kids, choose comfortable lies over uncomfortable truths, and generally be Jewish.

But society's so fucked up, I don't know where to begin. I'm reminded of the scrapped dark version of Zootopia where Nick seemed right to give up on a society comfortable with putting shock collars on the carnivores and Judy seemed irredeemable for being okay with that. Persona 4's "deep themes about reaching out to the truth" only amounted to a few high schoolers admitting they dislike X about themselves and their lives before either putting more effort into putting up with their sadness, realizing their life was actually great all along, or rarely, changing their personal lives for the better through effort. P5 abandoned that to pretend to be about society, only really saying "rape and theft and murder is bad". Wow, what a controversial thing for this megacorporate product to say about the society that purchased it and called it a masterpiece.

I don't think I have it in me to write a masterpiece. But I think I should try anyway.
Anonymous
8800eb7
?
No.341164
341203
>>341158
Okay, I guess. it just seems weird sense my post was that focusing on fanservice by adding Twilight into your story to lure in readers is a bad idea and your post is how your story focused less on Twilight. Like it partially follows but it also doesn't. I assume your saying that I'm wrong because Twilight actually wasn't enough in your story to charm bronies and that, rather my point that Twilight's inclusion doesn't guarantee reader engagement, is what failed to bring positive reception or whatever you felt you didn't get.

Whatever, I'm not mad. That you argue against me isn't the problem, because I can be wrong, but when you just start a monologue about something tangential, it seems pointless to even bother giving feedback in the first place.

In this case, due to your meandering writing style I didn't get what you were trying to say but now when I read more into your post it makes sense as a reply to mine, it just lacks directness. Phrases like, "I disagree. You're wrong and here's why..." would make the post more coherent.

Whatever, I've already forgotten about this but I think I'll hold off giving any more feedback to you. There are probably others here that can but I feel like we'll continue to step on each other's toes like this.
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.341203
>>341164
Wait, were you saying it was wrong to use Twilight as a hook? I thought the problem was that I used her as a hook incorrectly.
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.341242
341243
The group of readers complained that my story was too consistently dark and miserable for too many scenes in a row. How could I have included scenes of happiness and hope without ruining the focus on how evil the enemy is?
Anonymous
7bde406
?
No.341243
341479
>>341242
>How could I have included scenes of happiness and hope without ruining the focus on how evil the enemy is?
I've not read your story or know anything how it goes, so this is just a generic idea from a Dune book I read (House Harkonnen) and perhaps not possible to adapt to your story. But one way to break up a story is to tell two at the same time. Switching between stories from chapter to chapter. I am no writer so not sure how to do it in a good way and how to intermingle them in the end.
Anonymous
074f1da
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No.341479
341550
>>341243
Thanks bro, that could work.
Looking back I think tying all that political content to one location was a mistake. Too many political issues were shoved into a small space giving none room to breathe. And giving talking animals a society puts a layer of abstraction over societal commentary I wasn't sure how to handle.
Maybe if the heroes originated from a christian Vault the audience should root for, left it willingly to search for a McGuffin to save it, explored the shit world outside that had lost its way, taught the wasteland ponies the meaning of goodness, killed a ton of villains without ever seeming like Littlepip-tier bloodthirsty murderhobo gamers, and solved all the problems of a new town each week before moving on to the next? Eventually the heroes could find the McGuffin in a bunker full of jew griffons who caused the apocalypse and all the problems the heroes encountered on the way there, and kill the griffons to get the McGuffin and go home heroes.
Anonymous
d729743
?
No.341537
341550 341561
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ypOUn6rThM&ab_channel=GameMaker%27sToolkit
Have been thinking about stuff like this for a while now. Gonna try to make writing fun again for myself.
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.341550
341561 341591
>>341537
That sounds good! I am sure your writing will be excellent.
>>341479
What if the protagonist was a scrappy small self-loathing underdog immediately gifted two companions also from his vault, a hot mare love interest and gigachad, who did most of the combat for him with their sniper rifle and assault rifle respectively while he hated himself for barely being able to help at all in combat?

Then my story can appeal to those who want to see extremely attractive superheroes crushing evil, and scared brave self-loathing underdogs heroically struggling against it. The underdog nature of the hero can be preserved for as long as possible because he will be carried by his superior teammates built for two main pillars of Fallout, Speech and Combat respectively. Setting and lore is the third pillar, making the hero a historian researcher type represents that pillar and lets me justify loredumping about why this postwar settlement and that prewar town went to shit upon being pozzed. Choice is the fourth pillar and the hero represents that too because he makes choices for the party for some reason. Not sure why they wouldn't just put gigachad in charge. Perhaps scared heroboy's genes unlock doors important to the plot, and ammo caches meant for prewar soldiers. Maybe gigachad needs to learn niceness lessons from heroboy.

FE had a fake underdog protagonist gifted everything OP she could ever need and more, so she barely even noticed the contributions of her friends or getting or losing her alicorn-slaying minigun-toting suit of armour with less personality than the average killer robot. Fuck that character, he could have been a loyal soldier trust-the-plan type in love with the BOS until he is forced to confront the fact that it is no longer Applejack's BOS and hasn't been for over 60 years and serving the beast won't reform it. It's symbolic. But I want to recapture the feeling of being LOST in a big and deadly post apocalyptic hell world, lost and terrified at the enormity of it all, thinking back on yesterday's adventure and wondering if you did the right thing. LP murderhoboing felt routine, like she had beeb playing this game for thousands of hours. These heroes need to earn their happy ending, not have it handed to them after LP exploits Spike's fire breath to glitch herself into a cutscene trigger that bugs out the weather controller and rolls the end credits even though the six Elements Of Harmony haven't even been gathered yet.
Anonymous
9e8bcfd
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No.341561
341573 341591
1572734558071.jpg
>>341537
Pretty interesting, thanks for sharing.
>>341550
Actually, it sounds like a pretty good character dynamic.
Just don't make another Takemichi, seriously; It's a pretty good example on how not to do it, imo.
>and lets me justify loredumping about why this postwar settlement and that prewar town went to shit upon being pozzed
You should try to avoid exposition in general. Find a way in which you can present the information in a smooth, organic way instead.
You don't have to bring everything up either; you can stick to the essential bits.
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.341573
341574 341575 341591
>>341561
That sounds good.
Do you think finding the diary of a villain/dead guy or some other random document is a good way to implement exposition dumps? I think it worked well in Yugioh when the heroes found Pegasus's diary explaining why he did what he did after it was over.
I'll watch Tokyo Revengers soon so I'll know who that is. With my character I was thinking I REALLY don't want to just write another Deku. His big moment that impressed All Might was, when all the pro heroes were standing around saying "Let's wait around for some superhero with the perfect power for this situation to help", running in like an idiot without any idea how to help. Sheer dumb luck bailed him out. The situation would have been far worse had he not been bailed out at the last second, and he would have amounted to nothing but a self-loathing suicidal sad sack if he hadn't been gifted the best power and set on a journey to gradually minimize its sole downside: the recoil damage. Sometimes I wonder how the show would have turned out if Izuku had been a gadget-using powerless type of hero, or maybe someone with a laughed-at seemingly-shit quirk. His suit's rabbit themed for no apparent reason, and making him a full-on rabbit guy would be unusual. But if he had to get All For One, I would have written Izuku to notice the slime villain recoiling from a burning chunk of wood, before yelling for the superheroes to exploit the fire weakness, only for them to not listen because "He's just some quirkless civilian, what does he know? We can't take that risk because he might be wrong!". He would be struck with that, right in his soul, setting up an inner conflict arc for later. But in the moment he decides even if nobody wants him to be a hero, he wants to be one and that's enough. He runs into danger, grabbing a long burning chunk of wood and plunging it right into the slime blob, making him scream and drop Bakugo, inspiring other heroes to also exploit the fire weakness, saving the day as an observant human doing what's risky because it's right. If the baddie can't be weak to fire because of bakugo's explosive attacks then it should be water from a burst water main/firetruck or some other element, maybe Izuku could grab an electric power cable and jam it in even though it nonlethally hurts all three of them and hurts the slimeblob the most. All Might enters the scene in time to swoop in only to find the problem solved, impressed at how Izuku actually helped. I'd sell Izuku as the smart observant hero first and foremost, not another generic tryhard shonen guy who keeps trying hard because deep down he knows his unfair advantages and determination are literally all it takes. Every single one of his fights should be solved with a smart trick and attempting to All For One punch the foe harder than last time should only ever screw him over for relying on the passed-down ancient old-news superpower that represents old shonens and an ancient way of thinking. Maybe there could be moments where he talks a villain down instead of using violence or realizes one's doing something right for a change and helps him out on the condition that he turn himself in when the adventure's over, making him an unconventional hero. Instead of being gifted All For One and then given training I'd make that a surprise gift at the end of a training sequence All Might intentionally set up to seem impossible and fruitless to test his determination. And instead of playing his crybaby nature for laughs only to immediately get over all his flaws during a fight and go back to crying waterfalls when it doesn't matter, I'd make his "hilarious personality quirk" of being used to life as a crybaby pushover into actual flaws to overcome. Too defensive and evasive, too unsure of himself, has to push himself to be aggressive and take risks and not let opportunities pass him by, has to learn how to make opportunities too.
Anonymous
c78b4d9
?
No.341574
>>341573
Don't dump exposition. That's the rule of thumb.
Anonymous
c78b4d9
?
No.341575
341592
>>341573
Information is a vital key and means of transport and also the looking glass into the hearts of characters.
Truth is rarely so completely isolated from everything else to only exist for itself, which granted it does do anyway, the information can be multilayered, connected inside and outside, spanning through time and space, hearts and minds.
>why he did what he did after it was over.
At that point the story is winding down, loose ends are being tied up.
The story has been told. It's over.
Certain people want to read certain things through a story. Walls of text disconnected with only surface level stuff sucks ass. Few are able to pull it off successfully.
By the point in time everything else is captivating, sometimes it has to be said and the question is when, where, why and how. Any error leads to disengagement, even the right place can be jarring.
Comedy Ab
Anonymous
c78b4d9
?
No.341581
Comedy Ab

A sharp man near angular in form arives at docking bay five of the new rocket ship yet to launch.
The foremen nears about to yell at the well dressed man till he catches sight.
The angular man grins a boyish charm "I so love boxes, and you?"
"Prefer the stars."
"But alas business first."
"Yeah, I haven't seen any of the bastards try crawling in yet, doesn't mean they haven't."
Nodding in agreement "doesn't mean they haven't. Wish they were different."
Conversation becomes whispered.
The clacking taps of boots on metal hide the scratching of movement below.
The fifth of his name had entered this gap through the emergency control in waste. A cut here and there and he is in.
The words spoken to him earlier that month still echo in his mind. About these creatures.
"Refusing us will be met with tragedy."
Skittering away quiet as can be. The cutting implement near silent does the job above and below according to the wielder.
It's already been more than a week in the largest craft the wild peoples made. Larger than even the ones selected. More quickly built as well.
Frustratingly even more robust. The cry near silent as the common man's tool unused.
"Yet. Yet!"
Harder to move and think, breathing more odd.
Next a bright white room with an angular man.
"Well eleventh time should do it. You've already admitted to everything and everyone has once again more proof of your evils. You have an hour to say anything more, for longer."
A paper slides showing confidential information.
"Time. I need time to recall."
All the man does is slide finger paints.
A digital clock.
A cardboard cutout of the man. Those kind foolish two eyes and a smile.
Then he leaves.
Anonymous
96b2768
?
No.341591
>>341550
>>341561
Thanks.

>>341573
Well, you can't say that my OP was unfair, can you? So if you put an anime rant behind spoilers, then it fits in the thread?
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.341592
341608
>>341575
You're right. Instead of saving the explanations for after the story is over they should factor into the story as it is being told, while the villain is still around to argue for what he's doing and the heroes are around to say "There must be a better way to x" or "She wouldn't want this" or whatever.
Anonymous
c78b4d9
?
No.341608
>>341592
No. Some stuff doesn't need to be said in the middle or beginning of the story.
>At that point the story is winding down, loose ends are being tied up.
Does the information tie up loose ends? If so when is it most appropriate?
>The story has been told. It's over.
Which means the cooling and winding down period. Because leaving the reader/audience hanging is usually a dick move.
Put the stuff in the most meaningful spot. It's highly contextual.
Anonymous
3ce887f
?
No.341982
>Be Anonymous.
"...I gave you a red deck because it has the simplest battle plan: Direct damage and attack. However, I want you to test the other colors so that can see which you have the most fun with and... Uhh, are you listening, Twilight?"
>Purple eyes travel in a line before they jump a peg down and repeat the process like a typewriter.
>The lavender unicorn levitates a deck's worth of cards and reads the text-box of one before she discards it to read another.
"Twilight? You listenin'?" you ask again.
>"Hm-mm." she says but she doesn't look your way.
>You feel a small ache in your cheeks as your smile stretches your face.
>You walk around, behind her, and read the card she's reading.
>The card's picture is almost literally ginger Shrek, running through a prairie.
>You place your pointer finger so it underlines a word written in bold on the card.
>It reads, 'Haste'.
"This means the creature can attack, on the same turn it was summoned."
>Twilight turns her head up towards you. "Don't they all?"
"No, there's a mechanic called, 'Summoning sickness' that means that creatures have to skip taking any action the turn that they were summoned on."
>There's a pause and then she speaks again.
>"Hm, so this is so you can attack before your opponent can prepare for your creature?"
>Your eyes get so lewdly slanted, they can be blinded by a string of dental floss.
"I guess they don't call you, Purplesmart "—You pop the 'P'."— for nothing."
>She shuts her eyes and smiles brightly at your compliment.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.342039
>>338679
Frenly reminder
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.342669
342761
If my work comes across as a one-sided rant rather than a genuine story, how do I fix that?
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.342761
342778
hqdefault.jpg
>>342669
You want to know what your problem is? Your problem is that you are constantly shitting out these huge texts that have many, many things wrong with them, to the point where there are few people with the patience to actually sit and read all of it, let alone analyze it and tell you where all the thousands of problems are. Then, you ask these really broad questions that are impossible to answer, and would probably net you very little practical advice even if anyone could answer and wanted to. You don't even listen to the advice you're given anyway; you literally just keep producing the same kinds of turds over and over, and asking the same stupid general questions about how you should go about polishing them.

>If my work comes across as a one-sided rant rather than a genuine story, how do I fix that?
How does one even respond to a question like this? Step one would probably be learning how to actually tell a genuine story, and then step two would be doing that instead of shitting out the kind of absolute garbage you usually write. Is that helpful advice? I'm assuming no, but there's not really any other answer to give you.

Someone at your skill level should not be attempting stories of the scale and complexity that you're attempting for the same reason that someone who can't draw shouldn't be attempting something on the scale of the Sistine Chapel ceiling. A novice artist should be learning basic things like anatomy and proportions, and testing out what they've learned in simple projects where it's possible to focus on one small thing at a time, and ask for focused feedback on the specific things being worked on. Likewise, you should be attempting short, simple pieces that focus on basic scenes involving one or two characters at a time, and that aren't trying to make some massively complex social or political statement. Try greentexting something short and simple, where it's actually possible for someone to give focused criticism and specific advice.

Here's something else to consider. In programming, there's a term called GIGO (Garbage In, Garbage Out). What it basically means is that regardless of the quality of an algorithm, bad input will generally produce bad output. In the same vein, if you want to produce higher quality writing, you may want to consider actually exposing yourself to some. Whenever you bring up something that inspired you or that you want to imitate, it's always some video game or some Shonen Jump anime or some cartoon written for ten year olds. Maybe it's a little hypocritical to be bringing this up on a site that is literally dedicated to a cartoon written for ten year olds, but you'll notice that most people here are also capable of discussing other things. MLP itself is not just influenced by other children's cartoons; Lauren Faust clearly had an extensive working knowledge of Western mythology and literature to draw from.

You want to learn how to write effective social and political commentary? Maybe try picking up Aldous Huxley or George Orwell or Michel Houellebecq and study how someone actually talented approaches the problems you're running into. People around here might take you a little more seriously if you could prove that you're capable of reading and understanding something that was actually written for an adult audience.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.342778
>>342761
10/10, theres so much to this post that Im not gonna
Anonymous
87ba7a1
?
No.344242
344291 344366
where_are_we__coconut_cream__by_foreverbunkey123_dbtjn88-fullview.jpg
>>338679
Y-you okay fren?...
Anonymous
7296b9b
?
No.344291
>>344242
Yes, thank you.
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.344296
Characters with opinions make good stories, but opinions with characters make bad characters.

When I started writing Silver vs Glimmer as a way to flesh out their characters and beliefs it devolved into incoherence.

I thought trying to establish her as someone who genuinely thought she was doing the right thing at the time would make me hate her less, but my hatred for communism kept me from writing her as a character who could grow from being wrong. And Silver's conduct reflected poorly on himself and not-communism. The hero of political fables should be flawless once they learn the truth, any failings on the hero's part confuses the message. The communist goal is to gain the power to pretend you are a God, no matter the cost. The highest form of non victim in a mindset that fetishizes victimhood, the most protected all-powerful oppressive thing someone could possibly be: a mad tinpot dictator who thinks himself a God worthy of statues larger than churches. So if he's punishing her for her sins like some kind of deity after what amounted to a fistfight over politics, the allegory has failed. The goodie defeats the baddie because he has more power... that is a gay way to write. Even the stories that amount to that try to seem like more than that. They equate power with worthiness and purity or tie the weak underdog hero gaining power to defying fate.

If you see the villain punished at the end of the movie you walk away satisfied that the evil was defeated, that's why Zootopia didn't just stop with Bellweather, it focused on the racism within Judy that caused her to denounce all carnivores and laugh off Nick's disgust with her (at first). The hero didn't just magically defeat society's racism by trying hard enough, she found ways to compensate for her real deficiencies(jumping off ropes to hit harder), found good only she could do (saving rats), proved herself to those who thought little of her, and overcame the racism within herself. Whether you agree with the movie's take on racism or not, it handled the idea better than I handled "fuck communism" in that chapter. And while speciesism is at the core of Zootopia, the topic of politics and communism and some OC in a show full of them has nothing to do with the story of Twilight and Pinkie and Rainbow Dash and how they bring out the best in their first love.

I just shoved politics into my love story because I thought this, along with hoverboards and a hunt for magic macguffins, would make my story better. And that was gay.
Anonymous
d7265d0
?
No.344299
344367 344372
I just found this thread
It's been a long time since I write anything, especially for chans.
This is the last thing I wrote, no one interacted with the post so the story didn't go past that and I had nothing special planned for this.

>At the start of last year, on a camping trip, I got pushed into the endless pit.
>There was no warning, I had seen no signs, but my trekking buddy just went on and dispatched me.
>In retrospect, should have seen that coming.

>Adrenaline rushed through my veins, time slowed down...All that bullshit
> The last thing I saw was that shit-eaters smug as I fell down the pit
>All I felt was rage

>Maybe that's why I ended up where I am
>Maybe this is just my personal hell
>No matter the answer, I seem to be inside some mind-boggling, impossible office space
>All I see is corridors, with more of these fucking fluorescent lights
>More of these fucking yellow walls
>And this damned generic carpet

>What am I supposed to do now?

It's pretty uninspired but well, what do you guys think? Maybe I'll write up something for ya guys, since the internet as a whole seems like a big dumb boring brick lately.
Anonymous
e6364ea
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No.344366
344372
>>344242
Yes, I feel pretty good. Spend a lot of time thinking nowadays. I really appreciate your concern though.
Anonymous
e6364ea
?
No.344367
344368
>>344299
Was it you who wrote that story about a man who cared too much about what others thought of him so he cut off his legs in his treehouse?

Yes, please do write something but no pressure to either.
Anonymous
5d91ea2
?
No.344368
344834
>>344367
This one?

>Once upon a time there was a man who lived in a treehouse.
>Everyday people passed by his treehouse and called him weird and mocked him for being so old and still living in a treehouse.
>So he took some wood and boarded up all the windows and doors so that nobody could look inside and see him in there.
>But even though they couldnt see him anymore, he still knew they thought he was weird.
>But he grew comfortable not needing to hear what he knew they all thought about him. And decided to never leave his treehouse.
>Eventually he ran out of food in there. But he realized that he would never need to use his arms while in here, which is where he would always be. So he ate them.
>Later when he got hungry again, he thought that hed much rather not have legs than go outside. So he ate those too.
>And when there was nothing else to eat, he felt how hungry he was getting and just how hungry he could get. And that compared to this, he did want to go outside again to get food.
>But the windows and doors were boarded up. And without arms or legs, he couldnt open them to leave.
>So he started yelling for help. Hoping to be heard by all the people that would normally be walking outside his house.
>But since he boarded up his windows and doors, people had stopped passing by his house. When they saw that they werent able to get to him anymore that he needed to grow up.
>But he couldn't see outside, and just assumed that they hated him so much like they always did that they didn't want to save him.
>The end.

No, i didn't write it, but i like it too, an anon wrote that story years ago and i saved it cause i liked it.
Anonymous
87ba7a1
?
No.344372
all_svens-itt.jpg
>>344366
That's good to hear. It's been a while, that's all.
>>344299
Will try to read this one later on.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.344375
344381 344382
d5gv0ti-90d8c1af-e56c-404b-bbb2-0a344059ba13.png
Pleasantly reiterating a request for a critical review of this >>338677
Anonymous
d8ae36c
?
No.344381
>>344375
Yeah, I saw it, sorry. I was hoping I could get around to it.
I think I put it off because it looks impenetrable and too complicated but I have nothing to base this one. Will try later.