Anyway, to conclude: my overall grade for this is piece is "nice effort, but needs improvement." This is basically C- work.
Look, we've been doing this for a long time now. It's been almost five years since you dropped that ridiculous Silver Star thing on the board. Since then, I, along with others on this board, have been giving you writing advice and doing our best to answer your various questions for five years. That's a long time. I'll grant that this Twidash piece is an improvement over both the Silver Star piece, as well as that wacky schizo thing you posted about the lion-man that goes around beating up Jews or whatever. So the good news is, you've improved. The bad news is, this is not five years worth of improvement.
I'm not going to say that you shouldn't keep at it if writing is honestly something that you want to do. Just about anyone can get better if they're willing to put in the work. I think the only writer I've ever advised to actually stop writing because their work was actually that terrible was Iceman, and I doubt he's even aware that I gave him that advice. But in your case, you really ought to step back and think about what you're trying to achieve with all of this.>I need to write my stories faster, improve their quality, and write about stuff people actually want to read these days. >Video games are still selling more than books. Good thing I know how to code, draw, and animate. But if these games will have stories, I need to improve my writing so it can save lives.
Is this seriously what you're trying to do? Write commercially-viable entertainment that not only entertains, but "saves lives?" Because I've got some unpleasant news for you: you've got a long way to go. And by "a long way to go," I don't mean in the way that a professional runner who hasn't worked out in a year has a long way to go if he wants to win the New York Marathon. I mean it in the way that a morbidly obese man who can barely stand up has a long way to go if he
wants to win the New York Marathon. That is to say, based on an objective assessment of what I can see, the goal you've set for yourself is for all practical purposes impossible, and you need a reality check. See pic.
The fat guy on the couch should not be setting the same goals as the runner. If the fat guy is willing to put in the work, he might plausibly reach a point where he can set a goal like that for himself someday, but for where he's at now, it would be more helpful to forget about the New York Marathon and just focus on being able to walk around the block without getting winded.
Even with a pie in the sky goal like winning a marathon, if people see the fat guy constantly eating salads and going to the gym, they'll take him seriously and encourage him. However, if he continues eating junk and avoiding exercise, they won't take him seriously even if his goal is something reasonable. If he puts in zero or minimal effort and keeps bragging about how he's going to win marathons, people will start hating his guts for being an obnoxious faggot. A goal you're obviously not serious about, or obviously couldn't achieve even if you were serious, is just a fantasy.
Of the writefags on this board, the two people who solicit advice most frequently are you and Sven; however, you're almost polar opposites in terms of how you go about it. I've started thinking of you two as Goofus and Gallant ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goofus_and_Gallant
). If it's not obvious, Nigel, you're Goofus. Here, watch:>Sven posts examples of his work and asks for criticism, then diligently applies the criticism he's been given to whatever he writes next.<Nigel makes fifty posts per day asking random questions about random ideas he has, but posts few examples of actual writing that could plausibly be workshopped.>Sven's writing shows marked improvement over time. This makes his critics feel like the advice they gave him was helpful.<Nigel's work shows little improvement relative to time spent, despite the significantly higher volume of questions asked and answered. This makes his critics feel like they are wasting their breath by even responding to him.>Sven is not a native English speaker and struggles with grammar, yet makes an obvious effort to improve the clarity of his prose.<Nigel is ostensibly fluent in English, but mostly uses this fluency to compose long-winded nigh-unreadable rants about Jews and cocks.>Sven has never expressed any lofty goals for his writing, he simply wants to improve for the sake of improving. Despite ESL issues, he demonstrates a good instinct for storytelling and clearly works hard at improving his craft.<Nigel boasts constantly about how his deranged video game scripts are going to redpill all the normies and topple the Jewish hegemony, yet he can't even pull off a halfway-decent Twidash ship on a Mongolian horsewhispering forum.
I could probably keep going, but hopefully you get the idea.
Again, I'm not trying to discourage you from writing, or from posting your work in this thread. Despite bantzing on you, I've given you a serious review of your story, just as you asked. However, with that said, what are you hoping to achieve here? If you seriously want help improving your Twidash story, and are willing to put in the work doing rewrites and applying feedback, then we can help you. However, if you're just hoping to discover some secret writing formula that will allow you to pull normie-mesmerizing words out of your ass, we can't help you; nobody can.
If history is any guide, you will probably respond to this by saying "Wow, you're right, I really need to improve!" Then you will go right back to doing what you always do, which basically amounts to shitposting every random thought you have all over the board. However, I'll ask again, in the hope that you'll give it some real thought this time:
What exactly are you trying to achieve?