Hello. This is the second thread of the writefag circle, here: >>299458 →
Basically all that is said in that OP applies to this one but I'll go through the 'rules' of this thread here as well.
So, the main point of this thread is to facilitate and enable Anons' writefagging; in a similar way pride facilitates and enables aids.;^P
The Anons in this thread can be seperated into two camps: Anons who wants help with their writing project(s) and Anons that feel inclined to help those aforementioned shrek-colored skinheads.
Crafting and beta-reading is what we do here, any critique of literature not made by a guy submitted for this thread should be incidental; it should be when you —as a beta-reader of fics posted ITT— make a comparision between the fic your reviewing and some other story for the sake of demonstrating your point, whatever it is.
This is NOT: A review thread for unsolicited rants about random media which does not
fall into the mold for how to use a refrence in this thread described in the above paragraph. Meaning if you're not using —like, let's pick something arbitrary— Naruto for a comparision in your critique of someone's writing itt, then don't bring it up. I understand that tangents can happen and if it's like a few exchanges with a pair of posters; then it's fine. However, don't make this a pattern and also move whatever off-thread-topic discussion to a more fitting board/thread. There's after all no problem with finding someone to converse with and share perspectives on a subject you care about but just take it to an appropriate thread. Sidenote: Nigel, these rules applies to you in a stricter fashion because I would not have to detail them with this much precision if it weren't for you. I hope that I haven't scared anybody off.
This is still suppose to be a chill af thread. Funposting is very much allowed and encouraged. It really is more that some type of posting —like, things that are completely irrelevant to the thread— does not belong here. I know, rocket-science and a rule that is seldom seen and highly unique for this thread. Perhaps you could call it a... Novel
ty. (You) intelligent lurker, obviously get the subtext of this OP so you probably won't need to worry about any of this. I'd say if you're unsure if what you're about to post belongs in the thread, then post it anyway. The worst that can happen is that someone tells you to move it to another thread and you get a better insight of what post belongs in thread. If you consist on fish and chips, however, I'd sugguest you think twice on what you're posting and perhaps even ask beforehand if your rant about lefties and Undertale belongs here.
If there are any questions on the OP, ask away?
422 replies and 109 files omitted.
Yes, I can change it as well.
Shadow the Hedgehog has a ridiculously dark and edgy story for what used to be a brightly coloured series where a looney tunes cereal mascot rolls around smashing robots and fighting a fat russian with a disposable slave army to save the environment.
Shadow's story has got AIDS, a dead little girl, UN massacred space colonist families aboard the death star, government coverups, and a grumpy hedgehog with a motorcycle and gun.
Do you think a sonic reboot should try to "reinvent that wheel" and rework Shadow to fit the series's tone better or say "fuck it" and leave everything as it is despite completely reworking Blaze and 06 and Elise?
Shadow could still be artificially made in a lab, forced to fight in a testing facility, befriend artificial hedgehog Maria, fight for them to escape only for her to sacrifice herself to save him at the last second, it could still work without needing to be so... overly extreme.
With this reboot concept I'm shooting for extreme sports, not extreme edge.
Yeah, that's the guy. Edgy the Hedgy. Gunshot sounds in the menu, lines like "This is like taking candy from a baby, which is fine by me!", it's the game Shadow deserved for being early 2000s edge personified. It's impossible to tell if they were taking the piss or not with this one because they did 06 unironically. 06 tried giving Sonic and a human girl a romance arc, then said "wait shit humans can't go fast like hedgehogs. Let's give her powers or cyber enhancements. Lmao just kidding that would make too much sense. Let's have her get kidnapped and saved 5 times between cutscenes, and do a level where Sonic's slowed down because he's carrying her like a sack of potatoes."
Labrys, that robot chick with the big axe and Brooklyn accent from Persona 4 Arena, her backstory's pretty dark and tragic but it doesn't feel as out of place as Shadow's does in his world. More importantly it doesn't cast a dark shadow over the entire franchise by blaming all of humanity for the fucked up shit that led to one character being the way that character is.
That "Shadow and Maria were cloned, forced to fight other hedgehog clones, they escaped and she died getting him out" story keeps the major beats of Shadow's backstory while dropping everything extreme like The ARK, AIDS, Eggman's grandfather and Littlest Cancer Patient sister nobody ever knew about, GUN, all of that extra stuff the Sonic franchise is extremely disinterested in ever thinking about again. Hell, come to think of it, Shadow and Maria don't even have to be artificial, though if they were orphans kidnapped by an evil corporation or corrupt govt organization that would be darker.
GUN could have been one evil company, maybe a PMC working for the government, instead of the globalist police force of a retardedly united humanity. Eggman or an underling of his or a rival of his could have made Shadow, this didn't have to involve a 50 year govt coverup where they sent the UN to massacre everyone including a little ill girl and all the innocent scientists on board and all of their family members on board just because humanity became afraid of Gerald and the Super Hedgehog he created to somehow cure his granddaughter's AIDS(is his immortal blood some kind of ingredient for a miracle cure?). SA2 had this scene where Gerald Robotnik's on every screen ranting at human as he crashes his Space Colony ARK to earth with no survivors, and we see ugly CGI humans reacting to this news. Earth cities, not futuristic or Eggman-style cities. No scene with furries reacting. No wonder Sonic X chose to interpret the sudden shift of "There's one human, Eggman, on a planet of furries" to "Humans, humans everywhere and like 30 anthros" as Sonic and friends literally getting teleported to Earth from Mobius so Sonic Adventure 1 and 2 could happen.
Shadow, Rouge the former govt spy who infiltrated Eggman's team only for him to leave her behind on Prison Island and nearly blown up only to be saved by Shadow, and E123 Omega the funny robot pissed at Eggman for locking him in a room to guard a trapped Shadow for a while... None of these three characters have any reason to loyally serve GUN. But when they are depicted, they're usually serving GUN, and they've never established why any of these characters would want to work with GUN or for GUN as far as I'm aware.
>>355596The Camp of the Saints
is subtle compared to this. When you write a story with a message, you really
want to make the reader feel the same way you do so there's a temptation to ham it up to make it unambiguous. However, when you do so you run the risk of bathos
or ridiculousness, even if your writing quality is otherwise good. It's actually a major reason as to why modern media objectively sucks, because whereas liberals of the past knew how to compose a realistic story that resonated with people, current year ones are so indoctrinated they cannot understand nuance and so push a constant left-wing message.
For something like this, I recommend environment-building events that are mostly in the background but affect the protagonist's way of life, a single traumatizing event (or maybe two) that seriously affects how he functions, and his struggle to overcome that and achieve a higher purpose. The Kite Flyer
is a repugnant book written by a faggot author, but it follows this formula effectively (it's about a pampered kid who lets his most loyal friend get ass-raped and only semi-successfully making amends for it years later
has multiple instances of rising events shaping Winston: Writing in his diary, banging his lover, getting SWATted, giving in to torture
, and although Orwell's most famous work is overrated imo, it does show fear, paranoia and rebellion at each step.
I recommend Castles of Vapor
as a strong example of how to write a story condemning and satirizing modern society (it's set in Seattle) without going overboard and being hijacked by the message. Or you could go the Jonathan Swift route and have over-your-head satire but in a ridiculous world that is entertaining to read. But do keep in mind the last two books of Gulliver's Travels
are more polemical and less widely read. It just occurred to me that Book IV could be the world's first HiE story and that's amusing to me.
You can and probably should depict your former friend as he is nearly exactly (aside from name and physical features), because real things you've witnessed are the easiest to write about, but you exercise judgement on what else you want to incorporate.>>355675
Kek, this is actually better than what I expected.>>355763
That's a clever satire of that sort of anime, and including references to multiple example serves to round it out.
I'm assuming this isn't subtle enough.>My birth parents and siblings got killed by the govt or communists who raided our farm, only my adorable little sister and I survived, now I live with two adopted parents, a soft dumbass libtard woman the left will happily betray without a second thought and probably rape, also she is married to a cuckservative weak infertile man who day drinks and grumbles and whines ineffectively and never shuts up about how anyome more conservative than him is too extreme and "WHEN III WAS A BOY I SHOVELED SHIT IN STABLES FOR 2 DOLLARS AN HOUR" even though thanks to inflation 2 dollars from his childhood is worth 15 dollars now and I, an overworked construction site labourer, get paid far less than 15 dollars an hour.>also my protagonist saves a rich girl from being gang raped by orcs by killing them all and their romance arc lets me explore parts of society he would never be allowed into without her and she gradually gets more based while he gradually becomes less introverted and cripplingly depressed over the state of the world
I was thinking these dumb boomer adoptive parents could be a good way to explore the failures of soft cuckservativism and soft libtardism, how the left eats their own and eats soft cuckservatives alive for conserving nothing, and how there's nothing noble about the "moderation" those narcissistic dumbasses displayed when they wore political ideas they didnt truly understand or believe in like fashionable hats. I could never marry a libtard but boomer cuckservatives could because they never really believed in anything but themselves.
A lot of what I wrote is shaped by reactions of my proofreaders. In one scene where the protagonist explains inflation to his girlfriend and the proofreaders called it boring. So I wrote a scene where cuckservative dad rants "If poor people dont want to be poor they should work harder, when I was a teenaged boy I shoveled shit for 2 dollars an hour" and that made the proofreaders hate him so much, they were fine with the hero going upstarirs and grumbling to himself "Fucking selfish prick. He's got his so he doesn't care about anyone else. How is anyone supposed to get a manual labor job when everything needs an expensive license these days and the country was flooded with immigrants willing to work for less so they can stay here, or worse, immigrants willing to work for even less because they are paid to be here? Before his generation allowed inflation to skyrocket his 2 dollars an hour was worth more than my money. You'd need to be given 15 dollars an hour for work today to match the value he was given for his labor. I don't make that much helping to build hotels the govt is going to flood with rapefugees! The hotel gets double its usual room cost from the govt for housing Orcs, to help the hotel pay for any damages or hush money caused by Orc Moments. This would not be necessary if the Orcs were just like us deep down."
Because I'm writing a story about a rebellion I rewatched Code Geass because there was a rebellion in that show. But Code Geass did a lot wrong and I want to avoid making those mistakes in my work.
What I wrote was way too long for this thread but is it correct to say instead of serving the story's need to constantly top itself with shocking twists and excalating excessive melodrama, Suzaku and Euphemia from Code Geass should have been used to intelligently explore what rebelling from inside the system is and isn't, giving them a character arc where they start out naively thinking "Putting Euphemia on the throne will make the empire that controls 1/3rd of the world and is oppressing everybody morally good and solve everything, and open rebellion is bad because it results in bloodshed and it kills soldiers serving the empire" but after the coup Euphemia turns out to be a puppet-king without true autonomy while her evil allies hold all the real power and can replace her at any time should she rebel, so Suzaku and Euphemia risk everything to leak all of Britannia's dirty secrets and let the people know revolution is necessary and then join Lelouch's Black Knights, even though it means putting away their childish fantasies of "playing princess and knight" and abandoning their respective birthrights to do the right thing no matter the cost?https://mlpol.net/ub/3147#6260
>You are a stick.
>Well you once were a tree.
>Then a being of near limitless power made by a mad Queen.
>You're The clone of Twilight Sparkle, except superior in everyway.
>If only those incompetent fools did as you commanded you would have succeeded.
>Untouchable as they all fall under your superiority.
>Except you're a stick because the Tree of Harmony launched a counter attack at the minions failings, but not that irritating bug Queen Chrysalis.
>You would have won.
>You've been brought by that bug as she just goes on and on.
>Power out of reach, Grogar's Bell.
>The centaur and filly and the bug working to dismantle Grogar.
>Their near success.
>And them becoming stone.
>The filly had a decent tactical mind, subpar to your own of course, but would have made a good minion.
>The centaur could brute force his way through obstacles and not be entirely incompetent.
>The bug used the only thing important about her, her body.
>Now you understand you needed knowledge and more importantly wisdom.
>Those things leverage power to even greater heights!
>To safe guard power from all sides!
>So you began to theorize, plot and plan with everything you experience adding to things that need to be tested once free.
What will become of Twilog Stickle?
Got some more of the Pyx story done:
Hit length limit again, here's the rest of what I have:https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/ryT8dxL8j
- - - - - - -
Also, Sven, I should hopefully have my part of the collab done by tomorrow night sometime.
>>355948>You are Twilog Stickle>You don't care any more.>Unmoving as ages pass.>The magical and technical revolutions pass by.>So slowly time creeps across.>Just like that it's done.>It's over, everypony and creature left.>They didn't quite figure out a permanent solution to entropy universes invading.>There's just star dust and you.>An immortal impervious stick.>No being could ever command or compel you just as you wanted.>No creature, being or pony could care about the bizarre log that exists as is.>You've seen the last star be exhausted.>Blackholes gone.>There's just you and decaying matter and magic.>Soon what once was the birth universe of the greatest beings is claimed in total by parasites.>In a few hours all that is left is you.>Those entropic universes collapse other universes to build things in their twisted purview.>It's over now.>The very fabric of the universe shrinks and now you're too big to even fit inside fully.>Then you hear them those ponies that hold the Elements of Harmony>Twilight Sparkle and her friends>"All together now.">Harmony crashes through and into you, the only thing keeping their universe from fully falling through.>A strange voice speaks to you.>"I've failed you bearer of magic and now we set things right.">You can't speak because you're a stick, but you're the only thing in here and the Tree of Harmony cares hearing the undetectable thoughts.>"Will you accept our help?">Is there any other answer?>"Very well, we shall use your mind, body and memories and all we have to fashion what is more.">"We shall be as Yggdrasil yet in our own ways.">Everything>Melts>Away>You're>A L I V E>More than infinity as your existence.>"We ask that you do what is right, yet that is only asking. Please awaken your heart.">Eons of memory is slipped away, as the bed of pony kind makes for new frontiers bigger, better and the counter to the last threat.>Self awareness of a universe housing multiverese that house within themselves more similar expanding universes going on and on.>Ultimate power>Utimate omniscience>And the request>Leave it for now to go and>L I V E>You are the better version of Twilight Sparkle.>That bug is in for a nasty suprise as you nearly push her beam back to where it came.>A white tendril interrupts.>The Tree of Harmony has you and your minions in its grasp.>It does something and you remember.>And you scream and fight against being eroded to just a fucking stick again.>You hear something further away.>For the first time you witness being unconscious.
>>355975>Also, Sven, I should hopefully have my part of the collab done by tomorrow night sometime.Uso Da!!1
Turns out Chatoyance is 62 going on 63. I was crapping on an old person's work this whole time. Am I a bad person?
No, anon. Old age is THE OPPOSITE of an excuse for producing garbage. Being old and writing trash means having failed to learn how to write despite having had far more opportunities than anyone younger.
The only reason you feel bad now is instincts that have been developed in times when getting old actually required being a valuable member of the society.
But doesn't dementia kick in early for women? Sure, chatoyance is a man troon, but all those femchemicals can't've been good for him.
Not by 50. Though it's a wonder how he managed to live past 30.
And dementia is still not an excuse.
Just for that, I decided to do it tonight instead.Seriously though, sorry it took so long. I'm trying to get to 50k words this year for NaNoWriMo since the last couple years I've done it I didn't quite make it, so I've been working on the Pyx thing.
Anyway, it's updated; hope you enjoy what I came up with.https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/SyZdTa3rj
The Chatoyance thing that I reviewed I remember being of considerably higher quality than most of the other selections I've looked at, but that's not saying all that much. It still had its share of problems; the author mostly got high marks from me due to being able to read and write at a more or less adult level, which before I started reviewing MLP fanfiction was the bare minimum I'd expect from just about anyone. Also, iirc I read that story immediately after I finished Our Girl Scootaloo, so the bar could not possibly have been set any lower.
I would say that if an author is older it means you're justified in holding him to a higher standard, particularly if he's also been writing for a long time. That's part of the reason I'm so curious about kkat's true identity; namely, if the rumors about him being a 50+ year old troon are actually true. FoE reads like something a fifteen year old would write, so if a fifteen year old wrote it then it makes sense. If something that low-quality had been written by a middle-aged man, however, that would basically lower it from "bad teenage fanfiction" to "Chris-chan tier autism."
Anyway, I haven't read any of the Conversion Bureau stuff, but I've heard mixed things about it. I may take a look at some point. Based on what I saw with the Injector Doe thing that I read, though, Chatoyance is a competent enough writer, but his work isn't mind-blowing by any stretch of the imagination. Like I said, it mostly just looked good compared to all the other stuff I've looked at.
To be fair, I'm assuming that Past Sins and Sun & Rose and most of those other stories I've reviewed were probably written by people who were in their teens or early twenties, and who probably hadn't written much of anything before attempting those projects, so if anything my judgement of them might have been overly harsh. By contrast, Chatoyance is in his sixties, and if I remember correctly, claims to have worked as a professional writer in some capacity, so if anything he ought to be held to a far higher standard. I think you've pretty much got open license to take a shit on him if you want to.>>356020
Basically what this guy said.
Thank you, everyone. I shouldn't feel bad about criticizing Chatoyance's work. After all, it was gay.
Probably the least gay pony fiction we've read on this site, which is weird because it's a fantasy where a loser transforms through no effort of their own to become a superior species, get validated by the abilities and traits of their new body, and granted what's basically heaven for them. Gregoria felt bad about being a bad friend but there was no hidden resentment for that.
Bet it would have improved the story if pony Gregoria tried making up for lost time with her friend only for that hidden resentment for abandoning her right when she lost her husband and retreated into pony fantasy to blow up and cause a big shoutfest.
Gregoria should have had to try harder to make friends as a pony before humanity and equinity became irrelevant to the story of Steve Jobs vs the government and all of that became irrelevant to the story of a glitchy simulation that can retcon anything at any time once a sufficiently special person dies and imprints their beliefs onto the world.
This is a setting where nothing can matter and any exploration of humanity or ponykind is forgotten. They don't even struggle with the question of what can matter once it is objectively proven that nothing does. Nobody plans to crash the simulation with no survivors or become a Code Holder and die thinking happy thoughts to rewrite the universe into a happy one where things can matter again and there are no more retcons, or find a Code Holder and convince them to die for this future or pass on their Code Holder status to someone willing to die in a way that matters and makes stuff matter again.
I'm excited. This is like reading fanfiction of something you wrote.
I'm sorry about the atrocious speeling and gramer arrows in the first chapter that I made you read. Just felt the need to produce the new version of chapter 1 quickly enough.
This story has been one of the funniest things I've read lately. Love all the subtle little jokes (Night Soil got a kek out of me) and it really is satisfying to have read the original work and your review first.>>356043
This is also really good!
>send out playable beta levels to FE fans for testing
>they don't get the realistic tone or political complexity, skip cutscenes, complain about understanding less with each cutscene, fill in the blanks in their knowledge with their own biases and rewrite the story in their heads to suit said biases despite being incompatible with what comes after, call my writing shit because it didnt go where they expected, call the hero a weak dumbass because they're used to mary sues who can do anything, call my character design bland for being realistic with its fantastical elements, call my balance shit because weak characters and strong characters are very different despite the story reasons justifying this and the added gameplay challenge I intentionally designed for(send your best fighter somewhere and he's not covering anywhere else), loathe a little girl they had to rescue because they kept fucking up and letting her die and blaming her even though she's a fucking little girl and they have all the tools they need to solve this map if only they would read what the skills and weapons and custom classes do before they rush in blind like Awakening Babies used to playing on easy automatic
I think I've made a mistake somewhere.
I don't mean to sound like I'm blaming others for not getting it. That would make me sound like a bad author and a bad sport about this whole thing. I think the mistake is that I made it too hard to "get". I need to be less subtle and less complicated. There has to be something I can do to help the target audience of 40 somethings addicted to mobile games intended for kids aged 12 and up to get it. What should I do? Add shit they're used to like overpowered wizard girlfriends, enemy phase focused maps where your invincible bugzappers watch armies of ants commit suicide, and incestuous horny big sisters with massive tits eager to fellate a blank slate protagonist for showing up?
But, you ARE a bad author and a bad sport. Thats well established.>What should I do/add
Add liberal amounts of skill, practice, talent, and consideration for the audience.
Or here's an idea: tell a reasonably good fucking story
Name a good book.
I'll experience it the way they did.
I'll skip chapters, mash though text without reading it, turn several pages at a time, complain about understanding nothing, and play Dark Souls 3 now and then between chapters in a language I don't speak (to simulate acute chronic bibliophobia) while calling it a bad game for being harder than Hyrule Warriors.
That's my impression of a homosexual.
How do I create a story so great, it will convince homosexuals who do this to not choose to experience art like that?
>You are now pony
>It's been your life long dream and desire and it's all fulfilled.
>Best ponu waifu
>Get to be a massive troll and ponies love you for it.
>You know what's going to go down.
>So you train in teamwork exercises.
>The best damn teamwork you've seen.
>Ponies wielding ponies is never a naturally occurring tactic for the sane.
>Honestly convincing your best friend who is also your marefriend into training this went far easier than it should have been.
>When you said it at first she just gave a look.
>A small bit of thinking
>then a nod as it made tactical sense.
>Earth ponies would multiply the raw force by their strength and durability.
>Pegasi ponies reach top speed enabling ancient codes of warfare to be activated at nearly a moments notice while saving their energy.
>Unicorn ponies could do reality warping effects, lasers, bayonets and spells that can be cast before or during or after.
>Your pony pal is special not only is she your marefriend, wife to be, she's with you in all endeavors.
>So when you said you wantes to enact a wartime tactical operation in old recalled pony manuscripts
>You've been here long enough that remembering it all is a bit hard.
>She gleefully accepted
>More contact, feeling heroic, physical fitness, mental acuity and more.
>Granted it's a bit silly at first glance
>Then you both really started getting into the depths of this.
>You both could pull genuine anime moments off.
>Old laws of physics? Meet the power of friendship and magic.
>Several live operations using this technique resulted in perfect victory, no being ever knew what hit them and never did.
>Now? You're at your last legs and so is best pony.
>This tactical operation became the slow grind that whittled away at everything, what you've been preparing for.
>On the surface it's a peace keeping mission as usual, but you've read the comics and watched the show read the greens and shit posts.
>With all that everything is culminating in this very moment.
>If you remember right it's called
>The fastball special.
>Epic wife tossing.
>Shining Armor and Cadence's power couple move.
>So throw your wife good and true just like you saw all those years ago.
>Her wings ready to go at twenty percent speed, when colors trail behind as horse land logic tries to contain the sheer power.
>There's no room for fucking up, your wife is in position.
>You remember the power of Football.
>You throw true.
>You just saved the Crystal Empire along with your wife.
>The dragon gets a statue, friendship squad gets good feels, you and your wife get another successful operation.
>Be me, Prince Shining Armor
Nice, thank you. I'm glad you're enjoying it. I think I'm actually going to finish on time and under budget this year, though the story might actually end up running slightly longer than 50k words. In any event I'll keep posting it as I go.>>356049>>356051
Cool, glad you liked it. As I said above, my other project is at a point of near completion, so hopefully by the time you have the next chapter done I'll be able to focus more attention on this.>>356050>I'm sorry about the atrocious speeling and gramer arrows in the first chapter that I made you read. Just felt the need to produce the new version of chapter 1 quickly enough.tbh I really had to fight the urge to go through it and correct it as I was reading
"You took a nasty blow to the head, comander! Do you even remember yoour own name?"
>insert name here
"Wrong, but fuck it, that's your name now. Let's take it from the top... We knights serve the good kingdom of Inspira and the evil empire of Malbad invaded us in a disgusting sneak attack that killed 2 million, so we have to kill our way to their capital city for the next 20 chapters and eventually behead their emperor to end the war. You are our commander, and you tell us where to move on the battlefeld and who to attack. Press A to select a unit. Now let's get this over with."
Do you think this story is simple enough for the target audience of Fire Emblem fans or should I remove the usage of the word "fuck"?
POV: Your a soldier of the glorious Red Army.
Lmao no, because of engine limitations the good guys have to be blue, reds are bad, neutrals are green. Also communism is part of the (((problem))).
By the way I think I've solved the real problem.
I was coming at this from the wrong angle.
A day in the life of a normal human worker forced to labor for a system that hates him, before he sees the chance to be the hero and save a white girl from Orcs and he saves her from her evil libtard family and they join the rebellion against the (((goblins))) for the sake of love?
Playtesters said "This is boring, I wanna get to the fighting already!" but I know the prologue wasn't that long. Plenty of movies do setup before the action starts. 40 minutes out of a game lasting many hours is less severe than 40 minutes out of a 1ish hour film.
The real problem is that it was painful to watch the hero suffer for that long.
Even though he eventually got a horse gf and taught her the truth.
And even though I gave the hero's mom some fat juicy tits to stare at while she reads his diary and cries.
So I'm saving this good story and its good characters for later and I'm making something softer and simpler for this game's story.
The fighting can start immediately once the amnesiac princess with superpowers wakes up in her war tent surrounded by armed men and women explaining that she is their leader and her country is at war.
Inflation is a complicated subject but "Orcs are attacking, pick up your sword or they will rape you, I'll explain the politics of the land and tell you the names of the countries on that map when we are wiping orc blood off our swords with the stolen clothes on dead orcs" is an easier concept to firmly grasp. Because you are a princess and you dont want the orcs to firmly grasp you. Or do any of the other stuff they do to women.
The story of a man rising up to save a country that had lost its way was too complicated. One good princess and some knights? "Your King dad is a fucking cuck puppet and baby eating demons control the government"? That won't take 40 minutes to explain.
>>356119>Playtesters said "This is boring, I wanna get to the fighting already!" but I know the prologue wasn't that long. Plenty of movies do setup before the action starts.>movies
That's the problem
Games aren't movies.
Games are games. They have some degree of player agency.
Or make the whole thing interesting.
You have to let them know what they are getting into.
If it's a fighting game about fighting shit and the player being cool while fighting then thats what it has to set up. Set up in this case is roughly five seconds.
Sure you could dress it up nice and distract them.
Thing is what are your play testers testing?
If it's mechanics then they don't care that much about story.
If it's seeing if the story is fine, the pacing and engagement thats different.
If you told the play tester check out my awesome game full of cool moves they are looking foward to that.
That's different then asking someone to see the story with deep themes and stuff.
People operate using power curves for feeling, action and attention.
>>356119>40 minutes out of a game lasting many hours is less severe than 40 minutes out of a 1ish hour film.
It's clearly not the same if you actually value your time. "Loosing" a few minutes, as opposed to nearly an hour.
Besides, you'd have to be Hideo Kojima if you expect anyone to sit for that long.
Similarly, the only reason some authors can get away with certain shit, is because they already are consolidated writers.
Anons have already pointed this out before.
It may not be exactly fair, but it makes sense. You have to seriously consider what you are doing from a marketing perspective.Don't take it too harshly nigga. It's a legitimate advice.
I thought it was okay for 40 minutes of worldbuilding before the large scale battles start because I added playable fights and tutorials here and there. I introduce a character, I show a bit of that character's life, and then an orc gang with machetes attacks and needs to be killed. I introduce a character, the hero reads books with her and then fantasizes about a big battle and you play that big fight with characters who dont exist outside of it. I was stunned at how much that offended playtesters, as if any and all effort expended with characters designed to be "A taste of power" early on is completely wasted because the EXP doesnt go to your main characters. I should have added a large scale playable prologue flash forward thing. Oh well. Now I'm making a simpler FE game with bigger battles, bigger tits, subtler politics, simpler concepts. The orcs and goblins are still evil but the amnesiac rebellious princess with a sword exiled from her evil cucked royal family for having a heart doesnt need hours of setup for the target audience to get it and get on board with helping her slaughter Orcs.
Man, I used to be a fucking retard when it comes to writing.
That old pony fic didn't need a "hunt for the collectables" quest to add tension.
What it needed was a villain.
Not some bootleg team rocket looking to take over the world with the power of magic cards.
The story needed a villain stronger than the hero, richer, sexier, and obsessed with Twilight Sparkle for all the wrong reasons. A villain suited for the romance story. He could be older than the hero to make him seem bigger, or younger to make him seem better, whichever makes him a bigger contrast to the hero. The hero would want to make love to Twilight and marry her, while the villain would want to impress her and seduce her and bed her and get super strong kids to improve his rich evil old money family's fame and wealth and power. Or if that's too dark he could want to take her for all she's got and put a cursed ring on her that steals her magic and leaves her a dried up husk with nothing left to take until he's killed and she's healed. The hero would be the underdog, and he would be Gaston but more so. The hero can improve, and has to improve, but Gaston cannot improve or create, he can only take. Audiences would be gripping the edge of their seats. Would Twilight get with the villainous gigachad, or the heroic virgin male? Can the hero overcome his impoverishedness and beta cuck nature and crippling depression and not only get the girl, but save her from a monster? The villain could represent everything the hero once wished he was: Confident, rich, famous, powerful, attractive. But now the hero doesn't care about anything besides Twilight and doing what's right.
I think that would work for the pony fic. Does anyone have any objections?
I recommend reading this.https://frictionalgames.com/2017-05-planning-the-core-reason-why-gameplay-feels-good/
Backstory is valuable but relatively few players will sit doing nothing for that long. The art of game design is incorporating all that with gameplay and stuff that keeps players engaged. The Mother
series does that well by having you play different characters who end up meeting at a future point.
This is good shit!
I think my story of love and rebellion would be better suited to a visual novel or comic where people are primarily here for the story.
This Fire Emblem game will have characters who should feel more... Fire Emblemy.
I love it, the play had me howling with laughter!
Elden Ring inspired Anonymous in Equestria
>Four words sentence the bright and wonderful day of horsepussyland to the cruel reality.
>"Anon, you are mareless."
>Destroyer of hopes and dreams Rainbow no-longer-bro-for-a-hot-minute Dash continues.
>"You've got here in Equestria with all these lovely lonely mares but some how you don't have a fillyfriend."
>Her dagger of ruination delivers a final blow.
>"I called in my favor."
>Every pony, hero and person of interest is given three wishes they could ask of Princess Molestia.
>The Princess of Molestation, Lewdness and incredibly repressed due to lacking her own body.
>Princess Celestia has a time share deal till The Royal Concubine's body reforms.
>As such Princess Molestia can only give out three wishes per being barring a few near impossible conditions.
>Rainbow Dash already used two
>The first to live a blessed life.
>The second to be the fastest pegasus pony in all of Equestria.
>"Such loyalty to your friend my dear Rainbow Dash. I will always remember it."
>Princess Molestia fades in like the ghostly spirit she currently is.
>Slowly a teleporation spell casted on small parts reaching faster than others forming her mostly complete visage.
>You wern't born in Equestria, nor a hero because of a missing part, the minutia of the details concerning a being of interest denies you The Lewd Princess Pony's wishes as well.
>"Anon, Rainbow Dash has said you are mareless why is this so?"
>It's not that you didn't want your very own hors wife
>Your innate energy because of where you've came from hinders the innate energies of Equestia from effecting you.
>You only hear when ponies sing, not the rising rhythm of the indomitable pony spirit shouting upon reality.
>You can only see what ponies interact with you do, the underlying Snowpitty weaving to another for an actual relationship is nigh untouchable.
>Your heart and mind and soul remain your own, no other may claim it here.
>None, no matter your desire to bond with them in any capacity.
>So you do what you can, being there, yet the key facet all beings of this world is denied to you.
>Timeless, deathless, tireless, indivisible, infatigueable, immutable, solely who you are and that also means mareless.
>If you can't connect with a mare on that primal level there is nothing there for you or her.
>To protect them and others from harm.
>You happen to fall outside of that edict.
"I am barred all avenues you see."
>Both Raibow bro-till-the-end-wingpony Dash and Princess Molestia heard the grievance in full.
>"As I am I'm less of a mare, yet in this I can be a mare for you bridging that gap."
>Her shaply rear rises, low and behold her pony donut and hors pussy.
>"Claim me as the mare I once was and together we will break through this dry spell and have pony maidens."
>Your cock leaps into action.
"If you will have me!"
>Thus begins the journey of Anon.
>your girl asks to be a part of your story
What the fuck do I do
Tell her to stop being imaginary.
If you just want to mollify her, write her in as a background character who is pleasant enough but has no real effect on the plot. If you think you can actually pull it off, write her in as a major character with admirable traits but isn't a Mary Sue, and who doesn't screw up your story. If you want to troll her, write her as a repugnant character everyone would hate.
Whatever you do, don't use her real name or necessarily complete description.
Okay but how do I know people won't lewd her or do speedruns to kill her off
Oh, you're talking about a game, not a written story. Rule 34 has no exceptions, but there's much less chance of her specifically being affected if she's not the only attractive female character. People would speedrun killing her only if her role is annoying.
That makes sense. Sorry for the typo, the gameplay side of things is going good but getting the story and characters right is harder. There are playable maps with identical blank-faced people whose pre-fight cutscenes say shit like "Insert swordie 3's dialogue here". A lot of characters aren't done yet. But the hero's pretty much done.
At first the hero's weapons are his fists, and the bows and arrows of hunters. He hunts for food for his family, he works hard at his job for his family, he's a hard worker used to working with his hands, and when he starts fighting evil he doesn't just battle it, he hunts it. But as he grows and becomes enlightened by the right ideology, he starts using a specific kind of magic, Life Magic, the magic of his people, techniques the evil empire tries to stamp out just like it tries to stamp out his ideology and ban his weapons and enslave his hands.
By the time he levels up enough to gain access to Swords, his support and battlefield control magic makes him more useful controlling battles and aiding his allies than he would be dealing damage on the front lines like anyone else, which keeps him feeling relevant and uniquely important gameplay-wise even when you're keeping him in the back and only bringing him out to fight the map's bosses to ensure your other units can fight and gain EXP and secure time-sensitive objectives. This lets him feel impactful without necessarily making him as OP as Chrom+Robin were in FE Awakening. In that game those two fucks were damn near invincible+super strong because if one of them dies you're forced to start over, they were SSS tier fighters when even your best other units were S tier at most.
I saw one guy do a "No resets" run and the more units he lost with each map, the easier the game became because he had less to distract him from optimally positioning his overpowered Chrom+Robin.
The hero doesn't just gain new powers over time because "it's a videogame so he has to gain new weapons". He doesn't fake the illusion of gaining power over time by going from a Bronze Bow to an Iron Bow to a Steel Bow to a Titansteel Bow. He changes how he fights as he grows and his rebellion against tyranny grows and his core gameplay function in the primary gameplay loop shifts. He's a pure guy who awakens and becomes a pure hero seeking to bring life back to this land and freedom to his people. Giving him the power to heal and strengthen allies, create food, block chokepoints with trees, summon plants to attack enemies, on top of how he can summon the ghosts of his dead family to join his army... At risk of sounding corny, this guy is love, and this guy is life, but he has to discover these things. He's full of love for his people and love for freedom and life. At the start he's depressed because slave life is shit. But the darkness can be defeated.
I could make him learn elemental attacks from the enemies he defeats because symbolism, resolving to use their power better than them, and he deems these assholes unworthy of ruling others aka having power to tie into that symbolism, but the gameplay's currently designed so each magic-capable character only has one element each. The hero's element of Life suits him better than trying to invent an excuse for him to be The Avatar with all six elements but also not a chosen one like The Avatar was. So maybe he should only use the Life element. Then again stealing your foe's power by killing them is a common videogame thing because it's an easy way to add new tools for the player and new complexity to the challenges. I've put a lot of thought into this and he's going to learn Life Magic over time with the aid of old masters and ancient books, and growing into embodying new life for his people and nation is deeply symbolic, but killing enemies with their own magic element would be pretty cool. I'll have to think about this. Does anyone here have any suggestions?
I love the concept you've come up with. Best of luck on it!