/mlpol/ - My Little Politics

Are the following places so pozzed I can't talk openly about hating niggers and wanting to write stories about my hatred for niggers where the white heroes have to stop the evil niggers?

Writer's Café (writerscafe.org)
Scribophile (scribophile.com)
Critique Circle (critiquecircle.com)
NaNoWriMo (nanowrimo.org)
Writer Access (writeraccess.com)

>>358186
How have other sites reacted to your opinions? I went to mumsnet and said that I don't like troony juice and scored some mummy milf minge eventually. Try mumsnet, m8.

>>358120
>Who are the Mane Six?
Part of the reason this show lends itself so well to fanfiction is that the characters are based around simple concepts, yet each one has a distinct and believable personality derived from her character concept, as well as a set of strengths and weaknesses derived from that personality. You can mine all six of these characters for as much or as little depth as your story requires. You can take them in a serious direction, a silly direction, an edgelord direction; they have character attributes that can be put to nearly any use.

Core Concepts:
>Fluttershy
Shy, quiet girl
>Twilight
Serious-student girl
>Dash
Athletic girl
>Pinkie
Bubbly exuberant girl
>Rarity
Girly girl
>Applejack
Country girl

Personalities:
>Fluttershy
Caring and empathetic
>Twilight
Nerd with OCD
>Dash
Arrogant extrovert
>Pinkie
Joyful lunatic
>Rarity
Sophisticated socialite
>Applejack
Family-oriented and hard-working

Strengths/Weaknesses:
>Fluttershy
Cares deeply about others but often lets them walk all over her. Has trouble expressing herself.
>Twilight
Highly intelligent and motivated but tends to get consumed by her studies, often neglects or ignores those around her. Has a tendency to overreact to small problems and blow them out of proportion.
>Dash
Strong, loyal, motivated, but these same traits can cause her to become overly competitive and petty. Often fails to take the feelings of others into consideration and can hurt her friends without intending to.
>Pinkie
Extroverted to a fault. The opposite of Fluttershy; she can't not express herself. Has trouble recognizing and respecting the boundaries of others.
>Rarity
Glamorous and sophisticated, as well as a bit shallow. Similar to Dash in that the same qualities that help her make friends easily often cause her to alienate or step over them without intending to. Like Dash, she can also be overly competitive at times, though it manifests differently.
>Applejack
Cares deeply about family, community and tradition. Has a stubborn streak. Is sometimes unwilling or unable to see others' points of view.

Also worth noting is that their "elements" are derived from their strengths, and that each element has an inversion that corresponds to their respective weaknesses:

>Fluttershy
Kindness, but she turns into a vindictive cunt if she gets mad enough
>Twilight
Magic (of friendship), but if she hadn't ventured out of her shell and made friends, she would have likely devoted herself to just Magic (of magic); or in other words, power for the sake of power. Without discovering friendship, she might have turned evil (a la Glimmer), or else just become bitter and lonely (a la Moondancer).
>Dash
Loyalty, but her competitiveness can drive her towards simply wanting to win for the sake of winning.
>Pinkie
Laughter, but also manic-depression.
>Rarity
Generosity, which her social-climber tendency can transform into greed.
>Applejack
Honesty, but sometimes she's too blunt or too set in her ways.

This is pretty much all you need to know about any of these characters in order to write about them. Don't worry too much about the details of canon. Personally I reserve the right to modify or flat-out ignore canon as I see fit.

>>358186
>Are the following places so pozzed I can't talk openly about hating niggers and wanting to write stories about my hatred for niggers where the white heroes have to stop the evil niggers?
As a general rule, opening a conversation with "I hate niggers" is considered a faux pas in most circles. This probably would apply to most of the communities you mention. If you absolutely must broach the subject, you should try to phrase it more politely. For instance, instead of saying "Goddammit, that nigger just stole my bike!" try saying: "My stars! That melanin-enriched individual seems to have absconded with my velocipede!"

Been a long time since I wrote anything pony.
https://ponepaste.org/8594

But here's a short cute one-shot about Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle. Please let me know what you think of it and how I can improve.

>>358188
Well, it's just February now. But this has got to be the most painfully obvious samefag I've seen this year.

>>358222
Estoy de acuerdo. ¡Nigel está siendo un maricón!

>>358222
That guy isn't me. You know VPNs can change the country you seem to be from, right?

>>358225
Chacaron macaron por favor?

>>358229
Sure thing. Let's just hope it's not like that "pokemon-fag" fren from yours. Screencaping his own name. Guess there's more than one Jason on Britain.
Feel free to falseflag me, your narcissism will get the better of you on the long run. Again.

>>358229
'Ello again, mate. 'Ave ya troid mumsnet yet? It's full o' terfy vixens. Oi'd suggest all wroitfags check et out.

>>358232
>pic
Awesome.

>>358231
If you unironically think that guy's me I don't know what to say to you. Why would I post this? What does AI posting have to do with this?
Also did you like my pony fic? It's got Rainbow Dash in it.

>>358231
Vete a la mierda, maricón. Deja de hacerte pasar por mí.
Me distrae de follarme a mi hermana y de ser un sociópata llamado Carlos.
>narcisismo
Sigue siendo gay y haré que mi padre despliegue todo su ejército autista y toda su madera contra ti.

>>358234
Uh...I take that back.

>>358234
WILL YOU GO TAH MUMSNET, YOU AUTISTIC NUTTER!? OI'VE BEEN PASTIN' YOR WROITFAG TRASH THERE AND OI GOT DM'S FROM MUMMY MILFS WIFF BIG KNACKAHS. OI'M TROING TO 'ELP (YOU) GET SOME PUSSEH.

>>358237
I already have a girlfriend but fuck it, visiting mumsnet could be fun.

>>358258
Tulpas don't count, anon.
It's been firmly established that am a hack, but I guess I owe you a review.

>>358259
My tulpa likes my girlfriend too.

>>358265
Is this "girlfriend" in the room with us right now?

>>358173
Get away from me! I don't believe in you anymore! Desu!

>>358271
What's made this so unbelievable? Is it the fact that this woman's actually a good person or the fact that she sees something of value in me? I've been in relationships with women before, they all just ended badly for me. But this one's different. I can feel it. Anyway, you can believe what you want. Did you like that pony story?

>>358279
Mine's just a bantz of sorts fren. Don't want to derail this thread even further. I've read your story but I don't have much to say. The dialogues are miles ahead compared to what you did in lionheart's, that one's for sure. I did enjoyed it, even if it was dykeshit.

>>358281
I know we're just joking around. What made the dialogue good in this one?

And did the Lionheart story get a breakdown? Looking back, it was shit for a lot of reasons. Predatory animals in a vault full of furries don't work as the victims in a society unless they just want to be left alone to farm in the countryside away from herbiwhore cities, the hero being born a lion before becoming a Unicorn was gay, the Twilight Sparkle hook wasn't strong enough, the hook with Twilight fleeing from Raiders before the hero showed up except it was all a story was ruined by poor pacing and unfunny meta humor, calling FOE gay openly turned away any FOE fans who might have read it, attaching it to FOE and ponies turned away anyone not into both of these niche interests, and a freed wolf is cool but a freed lion is dangerous so lions make shit protagonists.

But what was wrong with the dialogue in that story?

>>358286
>But what was wrong with the dialogue in that story?
It was dissected by GG. If memory serves me right, it was something like this>>>
Basically, they were very long paragraphs. They seemed more like rants and shitposts, instead of something an actual person would say in the middle of a conversation.

>What made the dialogue good in this one?
It was a lot more natural in my opinion. No tiresome, long-winded paragraphs in it.

>the Twilight Sparkle hook wasn't strong enough
I think the hook itself was pretty good. GG praised it as well. But yeah, the scene with the teacher was pretty awful.

>>358295
Yeah, you're right. Twilight and RD doing science together, RD fucking up and feeling bad, something explodes because a story isn't complete if nothing explodes, RD confessing her true feelings, it flowed better when I wasn't looking for opportunities to dump exposition about the world, the backstory, stuff outside the scene. This is an intimate moment between two characters we're all familiar with. Nobody has any reason to rant about the government.

This is a political episode of a kid's cartoon about Guantanamo Bay. Is this a good way to write political messages?
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dV_ZvmQwon8&list=PL8Ofi2Gjf74GFrz5JFX2PbKRXgyyoTwHq&index=29
An alien was held for a long time, he dindu nuffin, his home was taken over by a dictator while he was away and his wife and kid were killed. So he wants to kill the guy he deems responsible but ends up begging for death. And by giving the hero a new powerup, a form who looks just like him, the character and his message permanently becomes a part of the series's continuity even if he never shows up again. We never even learn the guy's name. To these people and to us he is always prisoner 69 or whatever.

>write about cool dragons
>in a country with history inspired by real events revealed over time
A Proofreader: This history is unrealistically off-puttingly awful to those who don't know and way too recognizable to those who know. Just stay away from goblinoids and mock libtards, it's safer and more likely to change minds. And stop playing things straight with the melodrama and angst and grim dialogue, watch some marvel movies and learn to write funnier dialogue. Shallow parodies make the audience feel smarter than whatever is being parodied, why do you think Rick and Morty rips off so many nostalgiashit movies and calls this parody?"

Is he right?

All right, in the hopes that this text will someday work its way over to mumsnet and land me the attentions of some mummy milfs with big knackahs, here is the updated version of my collab with Sven:

https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/SyZdTa3rj

Apologies again for the delay. I had some trouble thinking up where to go next with the Anon/Flurry Heart story, so instead I just introduced some new characters and plotlines and made things more complicated. Hopefully you enjoy.

>>358386
Have read it GG. Great stuff although the orange filly thing was a bit iffy to me at first, I have figured out a way to work with it. Will elaborate at another date.
Love what you did with my throw-away character. c:

Good morning. Reality is still so terrible that shoehorning mention of it into a story makes people cry "Unrealistic! Too edgy and grimdark!".

Those fucking jews are brainwashing people with government funded (aka taxpayer funded) propaganda networks https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_3aRPxZbGRc

I need to write my stories faster, improve their quality, and write about stuff people actually want to read these days.
Video games are still selling more than books. Good thing I know how to code, draw, and animate. But if these games will have stories, I need to improve my writing so it can save lives.

>>358453
Nice, glad you enjoyed it. I wasn't entirely sure if the second filly angle would work or not, but I think it could be a funny direction for the story to go. I honestly kind of like her now that I've written the scene out. If worst comes to worst we can always kill the character off or something.

>>358522
>I need to write my stories faster, improve their quality, and write about stuff people actually want to read these days.
>I need to improve my writing so it can save lives.
Focus on learning to walk first.

Case in point:

>>358219
This is better than most of what I've read from you thus far, insofar as it is free of the massive block-paragraph speeches and tangents and long off-topic rants and terrible, cringe-worthy jokes that usually plague your stories. I get the impression it's meant to be kind of a satire of shipping stories, and it more or less accomplishes that, albeit rather clumsily. The cutesy childish prose and the lovey-dovey dialogue between Twilight and Rainbow Dash pokes fun at this type of writing without overdoing it. You do a better job of reining yourself in and keeping your jokes and references subtle, so nice job there.

The main issue I found with this story is that it doesn't seem to have a point. You've probably heard the term "character arc" before. The basic idea is that a character starts off in one place, the events of the story proceed, and by the end she's in a different place: her circumstances are different, or she's learned something/grown, etc. In MLP, the arc conclusion is usually the "today I learned" at the end of the episode. You've got one of those in here, but the "lesson" Dash learns doesn't seem to be the story's main focus.

You seem to be pulling yourself in two different directions. On the one hand, you have this odd romantic scene in which Twi and Dash confess their feelings for each other...or something. On the other, you have this story about a lab experiment gone awry, where Dash learns that it's important to wear her safety goggles...or something. Both stories are pretty murky and neither one really gives the reader a satisfying conclusion. Really, I'm not even sure what a satisfying conclusion to something like this should even look like, because I'm not sure what this story is supposed to be about.

The Twidash part I found mostly confusing. It's not clear what their relationship is exactly, and by the time the story ends you haven't made it any clearer. What exactly are these characters to each other? Are they friends? More than friends? Friends who want to become more than friends? How do the events of the story impact or change this relationship? Not only is it never made clear, you make some overt contradictions that muddy the waters even further.

The way this is presented, it feels like a story about two friends who are secretly in love and want to confess their feelings. In fact, you say as much in the opening lines:

>Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash were two of the closest friends in Ponyville. They had known each other for years, and their bond was strong. Despite their vastly different personalities, Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash shared a love for adventure and a passion for each other that left them madly in love. So, when Twilight Sparkle invited Rainbow Dash to her laboratory to help her with a new day of experiments, Rainbow Dash jumped at the chance.
This explicitly states several points: that Twi and Dash are close friends, that they have known each other for years and have a strong bond, and that they are madly in love. What is not stated but seems to be implied is that, despite being "madly in love," they have not yet moved beyond the "friendship" stage. Dash therefore sees the occasion of being invited to Twilight's house as an opportunity to advance things with her.

As events progress, this seems to be the scenario that is playing out. Twilight observes that Dash seems upset about something, asks what's wrong, and Dash confesses that she's feeling "confused," and then goes on to state that she's worried she's not "good enough" for Twilight. Twilight then reassures her that this is not the case, and then this:

>And then, without warning, Rainbow Dash leaned forward and wrapped her hooves around Twilight in a tight hug. "I love you, Twilight," she said, her voice filled with emotion. "I love you so much."
>Twilight was taken aback, but then she smiled and hugged Rainbow Dash back. "I love you too, Rainbow Dash," she said. "And I'm here for you, always."
>From that moment on, Twilight knew that she and Rainbow Dash would always have each other's backs, no matter what the future held. And she was grateful to have such a wonderful friend in her life.
What's the significance here? Dash confesses that she loves Twilight, and Twilight affirms that she loves Dash and that they will always be friends. Is that what they wanted to get out in the open? Has anything changed between them?

In and of itself it's okay if the nature of their relationship doesn't change or remains ambiguous, but again, I'm just not sure how to interpret the significance of these events. For one thing, what exactly is Dash supposed to be upset about here? Why does she think she's "not good enough" for Twilight? Nothing in the story has occurred that would cause her to feel this way, and you don't provide any background on them that would explain it, so this sudden confession feels contrived. Twilight's emotional reaction feels equally contrived.

Furthermore, you drop his bomb on us:

>Rainbow Dash smiled, and a tear rolled down her cheek. "Thanks, Twilight," she said. "You're the best friend and wife anyone could ask for."
So...they're married? These two horses are married to each other, but at the same time they live in separate houses and aren't quite sure how they feel about each other? Literally wtf?

It almost feels like it could be a typo or something, but you reinforce it much later during Dash's letter to Princess Celestia:
>I also wanted to thank you, Princess Celestia, for sending my beloved wife to Ponyville and giving me the opportunity to meet and learn from amazing ponies like Twilight.

It is never made clear what Twi and Dash's relationship is, nor in which direction either of them would like it to proceed.

>>358219
>>358570
To make matters worse, you basically drop the entire romance plot after this single interaction, and we never get to find out if Twidash is a legit ship or not.

The last part is more straightforward, but again, I'm not entirely sure what the point is meant to be. However, it is at least easy enough to summarize:

Twi and Dash continue to perform some kind of lab experiment, which involves combining a bunch of chemicals together to try and refract light...or something. Eventually, Dash adds some ingredients that make the mixture unstable, a gratuitous dick joke is made, and then the lab explodes. After this, Dash pens a letter to Princess Celestia**, which will be easier to analyze if I just drop it in verbatim:

>Dear Princess Celestia,

>I hope this letter finds you well. I wanted to write to you about a very special experience I had today in Twilight Sparkle's laboratory. I had the opportunity to assist Twilight in a scientific experiment, and while it was a lot of fun, I also learned a lot about lab safety.

>As you may know, Twilight's laboratory is full of chemicals and machines, and I was a little intimidated at first. But as we worked on our experiment, Twilight took the time to explain the science behind everything and taught me about the dangers of certain chemicals.
So far so good, but...was learning about lab safety really supposed to be the central lesson for Dash here? If yes, why? If no, what exactly was she supposed to learn? Does her being in love with Twilight have any connection to what happened in the lab? Did either of these experiences teach her anything meaningful, or change her life in any meaningful way?

>Unfortunately, I made a mistake during the experiment and cranked a Bunsen Burner up to 11. Why are they called Bunsen Burners when Robert Bunsen doesn't exist in this universe, anyway? Couldn't we think of a pony pun for their names? Thankfully, Twilight was there to protect us both from the explosion and keep us safe. It was a frightening experience, but it taught me a valuable lesson about being careful and responsible in the laboratory. I almost turned myself into Zap Apple Jam! I bet I'd taste awful in a sandwich. Not like Twilight. She tastes amazing. Just like her mom. They are also great in a sandwich, if they are the bread and I am the filling. If they're all over each other that's kinda weird but if they're both all over me it totally doesn't count as incest, they're both just showing affection towards me, Rainbow Dash. At the same time. In the same bed. And it's totally not gay. I mean, it is, we're all female haha, but it's totally not incest.
You could probably chop most of this paragraph at no loss. Also: the ambiguous nature of Twidash persists. Is the implication that they're already lezzing out? Presumably if they're supposed to be married we can assume they would be, but...what was the point of this story supposed to be again? What exactly was it that Dash needed to get off of her very fluffy chest?

>From this experience, I learned that safety should always come first in a laboratory, and that it's important to understand the properties of the chemicals and materials you're working with and familiarize yourself with the effects of heat on the ingredients you are working with. I also learned that it's important to have a partner who you can trust and who will help keep you safe. It's also important to make cock jokes constantly because they are never not funny.
Here you seem to be attempting to shoehorn the romance plot back into the lab-safety plot, and wrap it all up into some kind of lesson for Dash. It's not working. Neither of these plots are all that compelling or even entertaining, and whatever the ambiguous relationship problem between Twi and Dash was supposed to have been, you never really resolved it. This story just kind of begins and ends without anything noteworthy happening in between other than an explosion and a couple of cock jokes.

>I want to thank Twilight for her guidance and for showing me the importance of proper lab safety. I also wanted to thank you, Princess Celestia, for sending my beloved wife to Ponyville and giving me the opportunity to meet and learn from amazing ponies like Twilight.
Here is where you once again imply that the two of them are married already. I've already gone over this.

>I look forward to continuing my scientific adventures and learning even more about the wonders of magic and science.

>With gratitude,

>Your faithful student,

>Rainbow Dash.
This whole letter feels like one of those emails that didn't need to be sent, that's just going to annoy the person reading it. Basically "I didn't do any real work today, but I'm required to send a daily status update so here's a bunch of rambling autism." What exactly did Dash learn here that warrants the act of writing to Celestia about it? Even if this story was meant to be lighthearted and silly and there isn't supposed to be a serious moral to it, it should still at least make an effort to communicate something.

-----------------------

** Technically, the story ends with Spike writing the letter on her behalf. Dash starts to write the letter, and then decides she doesn't want to, and then runs off to poop...or something. At least I think I got that right. In any event, I've decided to spare everyone that particular detail and just end things with the letter.

>>358219
>>358571
Also, here are some technical things I noticed:

>If Rainbow Dash pretended all the trash on the floor was clothing, it would remind Rainbow Dash of Rainbow Dash's bedroom.
This sentence is bad and you should feel bad.

>Twilight Sparkle looked at her like an unfunny political talk show host visually signalling doubt and derision to his crowd of automatons who clapped when they were told to and booed when they were told to.
I would cut this line out; you're falling back into old habits again. Remember, the key to good social commentary humor is subtlety. Also, if you must make these sorts of references, try to make them relevant to what's going on in the scene; there's nothing more obnoxious than just wedging in political commentary for no reason other than to wedge in political commentary. Also, you misspelled "signaling."

>Rainbow Dash was amazed by the complexity of it all before she started tossing bat wings and newt eyes and troll gristle and ogre fat and tiny plastic Rainbow Dash figurines into random bubbling vats of purple, yellow, green, orange, and milky white liquid respectively.
This is a decent example of subtle humor. It's obvious to anyone who's in the know what you're referencing here, but you keep it low key and you don't veer off course from the story in order to make the joke. Nicely done.

>The glass container was a long, thick, cylindrical shaft, with two round bulges at the bottom, and despite the thick brown cork firmly wedged into the shaft, the noisy hiss of steam started to escape from the container, along with a rush of white foam.
This one is borderline, but you at least manage to keep it mostly subtle....

...until this happens:
>When Rainbow Dash turned the Bunsen Burner up, more white foam erupted from the glass in a tremendous burst.
>“Hey, Twilight, look!” Rainbow Dash laughed. Twilight looked. “Me inside your mom!”
Look deep inside your soul and ask yourself: was this cheap laugh really worth it?

Another thing you might want to pay attention to is inadvertent repetition:

>Rainbow Dash had been acting strangely for the past few days, and Twilight Sparkle was starting to worry about her friend. She could tell that something was bothering Rainbow Dash, but every time she tried to bring it up, Rainbow Dash would change the subject or brush it off.

>"Rainbow Dash, I know something's been bothering you," Twilight said gently. "And I want to help. Can you tell me what's going on?"

>Rainbow Dash fidgeted and looked away, avoiding Twilight's gaze. "It's nothing, Twi," she said. "I'm just a little preoccupied, that's all."
Be careful about overusing words/names. Look how often the name "Rainbow Dash" appears in these three lines of text. The first line uses the name three times, when it only really needs to be mentioned once. It becomes even more repetitious when the subsequent two lines also start with "Rainbow Dash."

I get the impression this was done for clarity, since this scene involves an interaction between two female characters, and calling either of them 'she' might make it ambiguous. However, context makes it clear enough who is doing what:

>Rainbow Dash had been acting strangely for the past few days, and Twilight Sparkle was starting to worry about her friend. She could tell that something was bothering her, but every time she tried to bring it up, she would change the subject or brush it off.
Even though both RD and Twi are being called "she" in the same sentence, we can still tell who is who.

You could also lighten up the repetition in the next two lines by shortening the name:

>"Rainbow Dash, I know something's been bothering you," Twilight said gently. "And I want to help. Can you tell me what's going on?"

>Dash fidgeted and looked away, avoiding Twilight's gaze. "It's nothing, Twi," she said. "I'm just a little preoccupied, that's all."
Simply abbreviating the name from "Rainbow Dash" to "Dash" adds enough variety to break up the repetition, and it doesn't require you to change any of Twilight's dialogue here.

>>358219
>>358350
>>358306
>>358522
>>358572
Anyway, to conclude: my overall grade for this is piece is "nice effort, but needs improvement." This is basically C- work.

Look, we've been doing this for a long time now. It's been almost five years since you dropped that ridiculous Silver Star thing on the board. Since then, I, along with others on this board, have been giving you writing advice and doing our best to answer your various questions for five years. That's a long time. I'll grant that this Twidash piece is an improvement over both the Silver Star piece, as well as that wacky schizo thing you posted about the lion-man that goes around beating up Jews or whatever. So the good news is, you've improved. The bad news is, this is not five years worth of improvement.

I'm not going to say that you shouldn't keep at it if writing is honestly something that you want to do. Just about anyone can get better if they're willing to put in the work. I think the only writer I've ever advised to actually stop writing because their work was actually that terrible was Iceman, and I doubt he's even aware that I gave him that advice. But in your case, you really ought to step back and think about what you're trying to achieve with all of this.

>I need to write my stories faster, improve their quality, and write about stuff people actually want to read these days.
>Video games are still selling more than books. Good thing I know how to code, draw, and animate. But if these games will have stories, I need to improve my writing so it can save lives.
Is this seriously what you're trying to do? Write commercially-viable entertainment that not only entertains, but "saves lives?" Because I've got some unpleasant news for you: you've got a long way to go. And by "a long way to go," I don't mean in the way that a professional runner who hasn't worked out in a year has a long way to go if he wants to win the New York Marathon. I mean it in the way that a morbidly obese man who can barely stand up has a long way to go if he wants to win the New York Marathon. That is to say, based on an objective assessment of what I can see, the goal you've set for yourself is for all practical purposes impossible, and you need a reality check. See pic.

The fat guy on the couch should not be setting the same goals as the runner. If the fat guy is willing to put in the work, he might plausibly reach a point where he can set a goal like that for himself someday, but for where he's at now, it would be more helpful to forget about the New York Marathon and just focus on being able to walk around the block without getting winded.

Even with a pie in the sky goal like winning a marathon, if people see the fat guy constantly eating salads and going to the gym, they'll take him seriously and encourage him. However, if he continues eating junk and avoiding exercise, they won't take him seriously even if his goal is something reasonable. If he puts in zero or minimal effort and keeps bragging about how he's going to win marathons, people will start hating his guts for being an obnoxious faggot. A goal you're obviously not serious about, or obviously couldn't achieve even if you were serious, is just a fantasy.

Of the writefags on this board, the two people who solicit advice most frequently are you and Sven; however, you're almost polar opposites in terms of how you go about it. I've started thinking of you two as Goofus and Gallant ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goofus_and_Gallant ). If it's not obvious, Nigel, you're Goofus. Here, watch:

>Sven posts examples of his work and asks for criticism, then diligently applies the criticism he's been given to whatever he writes next.
<Nigel makes fifty posts per day asking random questions about random ideas he has, but posts few examples of actual writing that could plausibly be workshopped.

>Sven's writing shows marked improvement over time. This makes his critics feel like the advice they gave him was helpful.
<Nigel's work shows little improvement relative to time spent, despite the significantly higher volume of questions asked and answered. This makes his critics feel like they are wasting their breath by even responding to him.

>Sven is not a native English speaker and struggles with grammar, yet makes an obvious effort to improve the clarity of his prose.
<Nigel is ostensibly fluent in English, but mostly uses this fluency to compose long-winded nigh-unreadable rants about Jews and cocks.

>Sven has never expressed any lofty goals for his writing, he simply wants to improve for the sake of improving. Despite ESL issues, he demonstrates a good instinct for storytelling and clearly works hard at improving his craft.
<Nigel boasts constantly about how his deranged video game scripts are going to redpill all the normies and topple the Jewish hegemony, yet he can't even pull off a halfway-decent Twidash ship on a Mongolian horsewhispering forum.

I could probably keep going, but hopefully you get the idea.

Again, I'm not trying to discourage you from writing, or from posting your work in this thread. Despite bantzing on you, I've given you a serious review of your story, just as you asked. However, with that said, what are you hoping to achieve here? If you seriously want help improving your Twidash story, and are willing to put in the work doing rewrites and applying feedback, then we can help you. However, if you're just hoping to discover some secret writing formula that will allow you to pull normie-mesmerizing words out of your ass, we can't help you; nobody can.

If history is any guide, you will probably respond to this by saying "Wow, you're right, I really need to improve!" Then you will go right back to doing what you always do, which basically amounts to shitposting every random thought you have all over the board. However, I'll ask again, in the hope that you'll give it some real thought this time:

What exactly are you trying to achieve?

>>358573
If the fat guy was raised to believe lies his whole life about everything including health, who can blame him for turning out morbidly obese and who can hate him for asking questions about how to improve his health? The damage inflicted by that kind of lifestyle doesn't go away overnight no matter how hard you work. "Miraculous body transformation" videos have parts early on where the guy says something like "I lost sixty pounds this week, that's amazing, I never thought I would get this far" but he's still morbidly obese and over 400 pounds. It takes time and dedication. And you need to know when to exercise and what exercises to do. And what to eat and drink and avoid. You said all that anime weeaboo cartoon stuff I watched was basically junk food, right? Maybe you're right. I tried studying independently. When I tried using a forum for writers and asking more questions there it was full of feral leftists attacking me for not hiding my power level well enough and I got banned. And its advice was fucking useless because 99% of "how do I do x" questions were answered with "don't you fucking racist". Maybe I would have had more success if I lied about my intentions but advice on how to write better lefty propaganda wouldn't help me write nazi propaganda. Probably. Their viewpoint relies on denying reality even if it costs lives. We hate jews because we understand reality in a way leftists don't want to.

There is romance in my story about the racist farmer and his girlfriend so I thought I should practice writing romance by writing about two characters I know a lot about. I think the romance story turned out shit. Turns out I am bad at romance too. I wrote a sex scene into the story and a flashback that elaborated on their relationship (they got drunk at a party and fucked and dropped the L Bomb but when they woke up they were too embarassed to talk about it but Twi seems to want to spend more time with RD and RD can't read Twilight so she has no idea if Twi even remembers that night) and more "why RD feels not good enough" and an autistic explanation of how potions work that took thousands of words but I cut that from the story. Probably shouldn't've cut some of that. In one draft kissing was going to be part of making the potion work but I didn't like the idea that they had to kiss now because of the potion. I wanted them to kiss because they wanted to.

At this point I think I am a 200 pound man. Still a fat fuck. But no longer 400 pounds. The Twidash story isn't as bad as what I wrote 5 years ago so I'm making progress. I just need to keep at it. If there are ways I could speed up improvement that would help. Like those things you wrap around the grips of weights. They seem good. More gyms should have them.

What I really want to achieve is self improvement. I wouldn't still be working at this or coming here to this writing gym if I wasn't serious about this. I want what I write to save lives. But if I should pick a realistic goal... I want what I write to entertain and not be cucked libtard shite like what I was raised on.

>>358575
On one hand that's touching. A bit of metaphor (unless that's literal).
A refocusing of goals. From shoving a point of view as a concrete block to increasing enjoyment.
On the other hand there's what would have been a comedic skit.
>I tried studying independently. When I tried using a forum for writers and asking more questions there it was full of feral leftists attacking me for not hiding my power level well enough and I got banned. And its advice was fucking useless because 99% of "how do I do x" questions were answered with "don't you fucking racist". Maybe I would have had more success if I lied about my intentions but advice on how to write better lefty propaganda wouldn't help me write nazi propaganda. Probably. Their viewpoint relies on denying reality even if it costs lives. We hate jews because we understand reality in a way leftists don't want to.

>>358575
Oh, never mind. Just do what you want I guess. I'm so tired

>>358576
The fitness is sort of a metaphor, I'm a lot fitter now than I was 5 years ago. And I certainly wasn't brought up to be healthy. Though I was never at nikocado avocado levels. I'm also shit at writing and I wasn't brought up to be good at writing. But I think I'm better at writing now than I was then.
It's ridiculous. Some whore puts pics of her morbidly obese dog online, records him struggling to walk and breathe and run to her anyway despite the pain he must feel just standing up and struggling to exist, and the internet hates her for animal cruelty if they aren't too braindead to say anything but "muh hemckin chomker big chungus keanu wholesome 100".
That same whore shows off her morbidly obese family, and even though she's the reason her family eats what it eats and doesn't get enough exercise(men have no power over families they can exert without their wives having the option to ruin his life with cops and the system or flee and take the kids with him or rob him blind and leave him homeless despite buying her the house) it's rare for people to have the balls to say to that woman "You're overfeeding your kids goyslop, you aren't exercising them enough, you're the reason they're unhealthy and likely to develop problems down the line that won't go away, instead of giving you more money for refusing to take responsibility for your actions and health and sabotaging the health of your kids the welfare system should fucking fine you for it! It might make you stop smoking and drinking and buying fucking scratchcards and drugs with other people's money". An overfed kid is like a vegan dog and a transgender crossdressing child. We all know who's really making the lifestyle choices in their families.

So if comedy is the secret, how do I make my work funnier? I've been experimenting with adult humor. But I don't know how to combine cock jokes and holocaust jokes. Then again there was that one holohoax story...

>The Nazis did awful things to us Jews! They used to kill Jewish women and stuff their vaginas full of razorblades and leave them alone in a room with a Jewish man, so when he stuck his dick in her, his dick got cut up and the Nazis outside watching laughed!

My personal favourites are

>The Nazis used to take us Jews to a wall with holes in it and give us Shotguns and tell us to stick our barrels into the walls and fire. But when they did as they were told, there were Jews on the other side! When the Nazis took the Jews to see who they shot, they cried so much they shot themselves!
Why would they shoot who they were told to shoot if given a gun instead of dying trying to escape?
and
>The Nazis used to take us Jews to a wall with holes in it and give us Shotguns and tell us to stick our barrels into the walls and fire. But the holes in the walls were curved around so when we pulled the trigger, the barrel would go in through one hole and come out of the other hole and the Jews would shoot themselves!
Pretty sure I saw something like that happen to the cat in an episode of Tom And Jerry.

>>358578
I'm confused. What do you want from me? Improvement? Writing isn't something people master overnight.

>>358581
GlimGlam is just a bit disappointed the autism busted out.
Despite the whole blasting everything at once.
While self improvement IS a goal and worthy of notice. That's not the point of the question it's implied that yes that happens when working toward something.
Yes the largest over arching goal is already covered by GlimGlam. Right now is the tangible goal which forms a vital core pillar for the over arching goal.
What is the tangible goal. Is it entertainment? If so products can be evaluated on that criteria by how successful with how to improve in that tangible area.
May reply to the other post if I don't crash first
>>358580

>>358580
Pictures 2 through 5 are about three degrees of separation from the topics written.
This makes them hard to contextualize in a legible format.
Picture 1 while a copy pasta isn't funny anymore. While humor is subjective pic 1 has its time and place and it isn't now.

Paragraph 1 and 2 is tangential side aide tangents. It does relate but by a spider's thread. Keep in mind their are three important things to keep track of. The thread theme (see OP), at the point of review of the work Glim Glam's responses and the content of what is posted by how connected it is to the first and second.

A demonstration
>So if comedy is the secret, how do I make my work funnier?
A fair question in response to my post...
You're taking what I'm saying too seriously while humor does matter exclusively for meant topics doing it excellently is important to successful execution.
READ EVERYTHING BELOW AND READ GLIM GLAM'S STUFF AGAIN CAREFULLY THEN REPLY
Which is Glim Glam has the core part of what needs to be worked on. In the story there has no solid goal, no solid motivation, no solid steps and no solid character arc. There is some, but those arcs are not complete.
His review completely dismissed in autism. Yes Glim Glam did you metaphor to construct his point and while you built on it by being more literal and personal while again by spider's thread logic (by this I mean it's a web of interconnected things that forms a sticky net easily becomes tangled unless someone spends a lot more time reading into it, a very significant portion of time and effort).
Small metaphor saying you need a localized goal to work on. AND it's a goal you're focusing on that is showing improvement.
<The Extended story time misses the core point. Which is about the actionable Goal.
Also the content made is not sorted by any standard measure. Which results in walls of webbing text that barr communication.
This is a underwaterbasketweaving throat ainging forum. The important arrow is part of efficent and robust communication on this platform.
Glim Glam said >>358573
>it would be more helpful to forget about the New York Marathon and just focus on being able to walk around the block without getting winded.
This is again another metaphor. It's not about your physical health while that is important talking about your personal physical health is more of an /ub/ topic or /sp/ if it's day to day tangled stuff. See Glim Glam is actually S T I L L talking about about the actionable Goal.. Yes he is saying the same thing over again with different words.
The amount of skill, knowledge and wisdom to get to the biggest goal is more than the progress shown in a time frame comparable to most endeavors. It's too much all at once to get it all done without breaking it up into things you can do with what you currently have to get better.
And THEN GIVES WHAT YOU CAN DO WITH EXAMPLES.
An important question is raised.
>However, with that said, what are you hoping to achieve here?
This thread is about IMPROVING AS A WRITER BY IMPROVING A STORY. By getting experience you then improve. Feeding data about out of the blue isn't that effective.
A Choice is PRESENTED.
>If you seriously want help improving your Twidash story, and are willing to put in the work doing rewrites and applying feedback, then we can help you.
You have the actionable Goal..
>However, if you're just hoping to discover some secret writing formula that will allow you to pull normie-mesmerizing words out of your ass, we can't help you; nobody can.
You have picked the second option. I too don't recommend the second option.
This choice is pretty cut and dry. That means one of these options is the more correct one to choose. There is a Correct one and a Wrong one that is spelled out as near about Glim Glam can with his faculties. Which is why this happens! >>358578
Mimicking empathy time. Why is Glim Glam so tired?
Is it A. He didn't get enough sleep?
Is it B. He knocked back enough tranquilizers to stop a horse?
Is it C. His efforts for F I V E Years amount to nothing with a decision to ignore everything about the advice that is advice which is everything posted?
It's C. It's option C. He went the distance for five years man.
When I said a bit disappointed that was an understatment.
Erased whatever the fuck I wrote because it would detracted from the message.
READING COMPREHENSION!!!
R E A D I N G S K I L L S, W I S D O M AND K N O W L E D G E!!!!!!!!=
fuck, I know what you're going to ask. Okay so Read Everything Glim Glam posted ever. The classic literature. It is organized by OBJECTIVE, Not Subjective. It is ORGANIZED BY OBJECTIVE.
A priory 1. Have you successfully understood the material and then communicated so that there is only simple easy to read and understand clarity.
Priority 2. Have you answered those questions the same way? communicated so that there is only simple easy to read and understand clarity.
>OTHER PERSON
YOUR COMMUNUCATED SIMPLE EASY TO READ And CLEAR MESSAGE.

If you're frustrated that I still suck at writing after all this time, I understand. I hate myself too. But people grow by learning from their mistakes, and I keep asking questions because I keep wanting to learn.

>>358598
You're missing the points.
1) To improve You need to work on a specific work making it better than it was.
2) You miss the point when replying to posts.
3) You MISS The POINTS When Replying to Posts.
4)It's Frustrating when it's impossible ro get The Point Across in any way.

I understand. You don't want excuses, you want results. I will upload a fixed version of my story when it is complete.

>>358613
Noooooo! It's typing out responses that's what I want.
Please answer these:
<What exactly are you trying to achieve? (With the story.)
>The main issue I found with this story is that it doesn't seem to have a point.
<What is that story's point?

>>358620
I wanted to practice writing romance. That's what the story's trying to achieve, and that's its point.

>>358627
Yes, right.
The story's point, the main focus. The moral, the thing(s) being shown to the audience, the journey and end destination.
I get is just romance writing practice.
And as writing practice what is the one thing this piece shows your readers.
The foundation that all events, characters revolve around.
To be clear everything I've said above is one question.
What is the story's point? Details help hone in on the core of the story, yet it's only one or two sentences.

The big story I want to write only contains hints of romance so spending time working on that at the expense of everything else isn't going to be particularly valuable.

I don't want my story to just be shallow political propaganda in the way the Mass Effect and Bioshock franchises were.

At the same time it's not fair that they can be so blatant about their anti-whiteness and retards used to it will still say "That's not political, that's normal, whites aren't hated and it's normal to hate whites, white genocide isn't happening and they deserve it, you're just an insane nazi who wants to gas all the jews who dindu nuffin wrong, you're just mad the game deboonked you by humiliating you and calling you all weak evil retards, I want to cum inside Elizabeth from Bioshock Infinite and the feminist all-female blue alien racemixers from Mass Effect, I love videogames about killing nazis and videogames about killing the enemies of nazis should be illegal, attacking whites and white history and christianity is free speech and saying you want to kill the president and his supporters is only free speech when we don't like the president".

Fallout New Vegas explored the idea of what a post-post-apocalyptic world might be. The fallout of choices.
That's reflected in all these places. Places affected by the Powder Gangers, a symptom of the NCR's stupidity. Places affected by groups with their own ideas, their own values, their own ways of surviving.
This world is a place where you either adapt and get with the times or die with the old world. NCR, Legion, inferior regurgitations of the past. House is presented as a flawed smart man to attack the idea that being ruled by one smart man is ideal compared to NCR democracy, Caesar's Legion's tribal conquest, or one protagonist overthrowing everything in the name of not being ruled by the other options.

Still its political biases were pretty blatant. The Legion is Wrong(TM) for being mean, and so is the Brotherhood Of Steel.

For all the legitimate criticisms it has for the BOS and its ideology and mindset and the sort of people it creates, for all the ways it attacked the BOS as it was and the Power Ranger BOS Bethesda created, it also makes sure to put most of its criticisms in the mouth of Veronica Santangelo, a mixed-race but white-enough lesbian mistreated by a homophobic religious family she still loves until it exiles her and forces her to live a life of isolation by killing anyone she gets close to who cannot defend themselves.

They didn't think it was necessary to make a Legion companion, or they didn't have time for it, but if they did it likely would have been a warrior man disillusioned with how the Legion isn't the "pure warrior culture" it presented itself as all this time. Perhaps he would be unjustly punished for the failures of his higher-ups or the impossibility of a mission he was given, perhaps he would be loathed for being the only survivor of a unit sent to die to buy time for a corrupt scheme like dumping radioactive waste on the women and children of a town whose men were fighting back against the Legion forces sent their way and winning. You could take him to places hurt by the Legion and break his "legion conquest=better rulers to protect the weak and use them properly, new purpose for the dissolute" programming when you introduce him to freed Legion slaves who are better free than they ever were as Legion slaves. Though in current year it likely would have been a super-strong mixed-race brownish genius warrior woman or something equally retarded.

Every fucking year the anti-white programming gets worse. And I'm supposed to counterattack against all of this with a fucking RPG about catching monsters and making them fight, or a fucking board game about sending wizards and knights to kill each other?

It's not fair that I have to make my political writing so subtle that it's barely there and not really saying anything objectionable to a normie audience, when our enemies get to produce blatant antiwhite shit, shove trannies where they don't belong, lie about the past to retards unwilling to listen to reason.

I'm taking on an impossible challenge here for the sake of my people.

that writing moment when