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Writefag Support Circle: A Gathering of Based Gentlemen Who Smoke Pipes.
Anonymous
78d7e52
?
No.336928
336929 336941 336955 337011 338530
Hello. This is the second thread of the writefag circle, here: >>299458 →

Basically all that is said in that OP applies to this one but I'll go through the 'rules' of this thread here as well.

So, the main point of this thread is to facilitate and enable Anons' writefagging; in a similar way pride facilitates and enables aids.;^P The Anons in this thread can be seperated into two camps: Anons who wants help with their writing project(s) and Anons that feel inclined to help those aforementioned shrek-colored skinheads.

Crafting and beta-reading is what we do here, any critique of literature not made by a guy submitted for this thread should be incidental; it should be when you —as a beta-reader of fics posted ITT— make a comparision between the fic your reviewing and some other story for the sake of demonstrating your point, whatever it is.

This is NOT: A review thread for unsolicited rants about random media which does not fall into the mold for how to use a refrence in this thread described in the above paragraph. Meaning if you're not using —like, let's pick something arbitrary— Naruto for a comparision in your critique of someone's writing itt, then don't bring it up. I understand that tangents can happen and if it's like a few exchanges with a pair of posters; then it's fine. However, don't make this a pattern and also move whatever off-thread-topic discussion to a more fitting board/thread. There's after all no problem with finding someone to converse with and share perspectives on a subject you care about but just take it to an appropriate thread. Sidenote: Nigel, these rules applies to you in a stricter fashion because I would not have to detail them with this much precision if it weren't for you.

I hope that I haven't scared anybody off. This is still suppose to be a chill af thread. Funposting is very much allowed and encouraged. It really is more that some type of posting —like, things that are completely irrelevant to the thread— does not belong here. I know, rocket-science and a rule that is seldom seen and highly unique for this thread. Perhaps you could call it a... Novelty. (You) intelligent lurker, obviously get the subtext of this OP so you probably won't need to worry about any of this. I'd say if you're unsure if what you're about to post belongs in the thread, then post it anyway. The worst that can happen is that someone tells you to move it to another thread and you get a better insight of what post belongs in thread. If you consist on fish and chips, however, I'd sugguest you think twice on what you're posting and perhaps even ask beforehand if your rant about lefties and Undertale belongs here.

If there are any questions on the OP, ask away?
133 replies and 36 files omitted.
Anonymous
87ba7a1
?
No.345020
345021
fluttershy__element_of_kindness_by_maxwindy_d4se41t-fullview.jpg
>>345019
Oh, sounds great. Thanks anon.
Anonymous
78dc9ba
?
No.345021
345022 345023 345026
>>345020
"They're coming from the east! I repeat! They're coming from the east!" The call repeated throughout the base.

A legion of soldiers fled like ants swarming an anthill over an uneven field. In the middle of the upheaval, some soldiers have the presence of mind to destroy bridges, artillery pieces, supplies, and everything that could possibly be useful to the enemy.

”Kaiser should've never trusted that monster!” a sergeant shouted out in despair.

A croaking roar reached the sergeant's ears. He whips around and with bloodshot eyes, he stares at his private.

”We gotta run...” he whispers before they set the whole room of crates on fire and they bolt out of there.

As if the Ursa Major himself slashed the sky with his paws, dark smoke trails striped the sky but it's actually caused by projectiles as they fly by overhead.

”HQ! HQ! Do you copy? We're twenty to one! They breach sector barracked at sector four-sigma. WE CAN'T HOLD THEM!” a female official shouted into a radio mic.

She almost shoves it into her mouth as her eyes dart focus on her surrounding. Behind her, the rest of her platoon apply medical aid to engineers and workers but only the ones the severely injured. The attack from the flies had taken them by surprise.

A few tears run down her face. ”Please... HQ... We have civilians...”

I could write it like this for you. It would help me figure out my own writing problems while helping you. Would you like me to write it like this? I kinda do but that might not help you in what you want help with, perhaps?
Anonymous
78dc9ba
?
No.345022
>>345021
So.. I should have proofread. Grammar is off.
Anonymous
78dc9ba
?
No.345023
345027
>>345021
Actually, I'm gonna fix these grammar flaws now and send it again.
Anonymous
d413ffa
?
No.345026
345027
>>345021
>I could write it like this for you. It would help me figure out my own writing problems while helping you. Would you like me to write it like this? I kinda do but that might not help you in what you want help with, perhaps?
Well, it's only two chapters, and it'll likely prove useful to me. So, go ahead fren, I like the idea.
Anonymous
78dc9ba
?
No.345027
345028 345039
>>345023
"They're coming from the east! I repeat! They're coming from the east!" The call repeated throughout the base.

A legion of soldiers fled like ants swarming an anthill; they fled over an uneven field. In the middle of the upheaval, some soldiers had the presence of mind to destroy bridges, artillery pieces, supplies, and everything that could possibly be useful to the enemy.

”Kaiser should've never trusted that monster!” a sergeant shouted out in despair.

A croaking roar reached the sergeant's ears. He whipped around and with bloodshot eyes he stared at his private.

”We gotta run...” he whispered before they set the fuel soaked crates on fire and bolted out of there.

As if the Ursa Major himself slashed the sky with his paws, dark smoke trails striped the sky but they were actually caused by projectiles as they fly by overhead.

”HQ! HQ! Do you copy? We're twenty to one! They breach the barricade at sector four-sigma. WE CAN'T HOLD THEM!” a female official shouted into a radio mic.

She almost shoved it into her mouth as her eyes focused on her surrounding. Behind her, the rest of her platoon applied medical aid to engineers and workers but only the ones that were severely injured. The attack from the flies had taken them by surprise.

A few tears ran down her face. ”Please... HQ... We have civilians...”

It's funny, when I proofread, I get better results than when I send it through Grammarly. Not that it doesn't notice anything, it does, but this is way better this time.
>>345026
Good, then I'll do so.
Anonymous
78dc9ba
?
No.345028
>>345027
Then I notice more.
Like:
>...projectiles as they fly overhead...
*flew
Anonymous
e0d44b1
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No.345036
345039 345045
gg.png
>>345012
Did you consider maybe you're focusing too much on the visuals, instead of thinking of it as a story?
I believe this would look pretty awesome in a comic, or animation but personally to start off with all this action going on and little explanation, and having it drag for so long kind of makes me lost as what is happening and why should i care.

Also i don't think using two "..." in the same paragraph is a good idea, the three points can be helpful sometimes but if you overuse them, it just feels like a cheap attempt at building suspense.

About you describing every single detail of the character, like this Sturmflügen on its first appearance...Is- Is it really that important that the reader knows exactly what the pone is wearing?
Look at how lovecraft (whom loved describing things) usually went about it, he usually described only key things and didn't bother describing other unimportant details.
First, i want you to see how he describes something important, the busdriver from The shadow over Innsmouth:
"When the driver came out of the store I looked at him more carefully and tried to determine the source of my evil impression. He was a thin, stoop-shouldered man not much under six feet tall, dressed in shabby blue civilian clothes and wearing a frayed grey golf cap. His age was perhaps thirty-five, but the odd, deep creases in the sides of his neck made him seem older when one did not study his dull, expressionless face. He had a narrow head, bulging, watery blue eyes that seemed never to wink, a flat nose, a receding forehead and chin, and singularly undeveloped ears. His long, thick lip and coarse-pored, greyish cheeks seemed almost beardless except for some sparse yellow hairs that straggled and curled in irregular patches; and in places the surface seemed queerly irregular, as if peeling from some cutaneous disease. His hands were large and heavily veined, and had a very unusual greyish-blue tinge. The fingers were strikingly short in proportion to the rest of the structure, and seemed to have a tendency to curl closely into the huge palm. As he walked toward the bus I observed his peculiarly shambling gait and saw that his feet were inordinately immense. The more I studied them the more I wondered how he could buy any shoes to fit them.
A certain greasiness about the fellow increased my dislike. He was evidently given to working or lounging around the fish docks, and carried with him much of their characteristic smell. Just what foreign blood was in him I could not even guess. His oddities certainly did not look Asiatic, Polynesian, Levantine, or negroid, yet I could see why the people found him alien. I myself would have thought of biological degeneration rather than alienage."

As you can see, he put a lot of emphasis on this man's look and his body language/how he handled himself, and not so much on his clothes.

But then, i did say he just ignored a few things, and he does indeed, look at how he describes Miss Anna Tilton, from the same novel, she is introduced as follows:
"The librarian gave me a note of introduction to the curator of the Society, a Miss Anna Tilton, who lived nearby, and after a brief explanation that ancient gentlewoman was kind enough to pilot me into the closed building, since the hour was not outrageously late."
Beep boop, done
Damn, that was fast, wasn't it? one second he's talking at the librarian and the next second he's already at the old lady's house asking for a tour around a certain place, no description at all apart from her name and her age, so we get a feel on how she might look.

I'd say i got a problem with the very opening of this, because it tells me almost nothing.
>"They're coming from the east! I repeat! They're coming from the east!"
You see, opening with this line, i really have no idea where i am, who is talking, who is coming, why should i care...
Reading that line does not make me curious about the book, in my case i can just imagine this is some sort of war and people are fighting, and to find out that is just the case is not very surprising either.

Since i got innsmouth open in the other tab, let me show you the first line from this book:
"During the winter of 1927–28 officials of the Federal government made a strange and secret investigation of certain conditions in the ancient Massachusetts seaport of Innsmouth."
Now, look at what this does: It sets up the date and season
The winter of 1927
It gives us a subject to focus on
28 officials of the Federal government
It tells us what they are doing
made a strange and secret investigation of certain conditions
It tells us where they are doing it
in the ancient Massachusetts seaport of Innsmouth.

Damn boy, that's a fucking lot of information being conveyed in just one line, ain't it?
Yes, but he didn't tell us why were the government officials conducting a secret investigation, this pokes the curiosity, and that's the point since in this book we follow the story of a character trying to find out exactly what is wrong with this "innsmouth" place he has heard about.

Now, let's put your story through the same filter:
""They're coming from the east! I repeat! They're coming from the east!""
"Soldiers were fleeing in their thousands across the uneven open terrain, as the enemy closes in, the soldiers destroy everything behind them as they retreat, bridges and artillery pieces were blown off while ammo and supply caches were set on fire."

Who?
Soldiers...A thousand? (??)
What?
Fleeing!
Where
Across the uneven open terrain? (??)

-As the enemy closes in, blablabla

Yeah
Can you see the problem here?
Anonymous
87ba7a1
?
No.345039
345042 345049
CFBC0B9363C39836AFC3BAB153CD8C98-81296.jpg
>>345027
>Good, then I'll do so.
Btw, this is what I was getting at here. >>339900
>>345036
>Did you consider maybe you're focusing too much on the visuals, instead of thinking of it as a story?
Hmm, am not so sure about this one. But you're right, I should've been a lot more concise about it. Some anons felt like the visual descriptions were lacking but that was later on.
>I believe this would look pretty awesome in a comic, or animation but personally to start off with all this action going on and little explanation, and having it drag for so long kind of makes me lost as what is happening and why should i care.
>Yes, but he didn't tell us why were the government officials conducting a secret investigation, this pokes the curiosity, and that's the point.
I did wanted to be vague about some stuff to fuel curiosity, but it seems like I've failed at that. Or the means I used weren't exactly the best for the task.
>on its first appearance
Yeah...it was probably too much in one go.
>Also i don't think using two "..." in the same paragraph is a good idea.
Oh, feel free to point that out, but I've been made aware about the three dot spam that chokes both chapters. I really hope I didn't just discourage you now.

Also, I really appreciate you taking the time to give it a read, as with anyone.
But I am particularly interested in your take, you being Spanish speaker and all; it'll probably make everything easier to grasp. Or worse, a good chunk of my grammatical fuck-ups are also fuck-ups in Spanish
Anonymous
5be9c9c
?
No.345042
345082
>>345039
>Some anons felt like the visual descriptions were lacking but that was later on.
I mean, it is your writing style and some authors have weird writing styles that, somehow, manage to work, but it's just that thing I pointed out: Reading this makes me feel like it's supposed to be /seen/ and not read.
It reminds me a lot about reading a movie script, they tend to be really descriptive of the explosions and actions, maybe even a DnD log.
When it comes to novels, I can't remember the last time I read something that focused so much in visual details and actions, like your opening and fight scenes.

>But I am particularly interested in your take, you being Spanish speaker and all; it'll probably make everything easier to grasp.
I really have no idea how that's supposed to help haha
I was planning on finishing it today but the lights went out, I'll resume reading it soon enough.
Anonymous
94cfb18
?
No.345045
>>345036
Man, the shadow over Innsmouth is my favorite Lovecraft story.
Anonymous
5be9c9c
?
No.345049
345082
1498569144034-1.png
>>345039
I like how the second part is written, maybe because it's closer to what i'm used to when it comes to prose.
Honestly, now that i understand a bit more of what is going on, i find it very interesting.
Worldbuilding-wise, this is a very interesting story, and i see you like to focus a lot on the political tensions between all the powers, that is also quite nice.

If anything, i still get the feeling this is written like a movie script, i'm not sure if that's good or bad yet because the way animated media works and novels work are usually quite different, but hey i managed to read it all and didn't have an aneurysm, so it should be fine.

If anything some parts are written in a weird way, i guess those are the main troubles it runs into, like the opening of the story, the way it shows you this huge battle first and then tells you what is happening...
You know, i actually have read -part- of a book that starts telling you something important without much explanation, and it was a good novel.
Let me show you how it starts, it's called Echo City:

"As it left the city, the thing did not once look back. It
walked with heavy steps, looked forward with rheumy eyes,
and its misted breath soon dispersed in the air. It did not
look back, because its purpose was ahead, and large though
this thing was, its brain was small and simple, its reason for
being very precise. It moved away from the world and out
into the Bonelands, and it would never return."


You can apply the same What, Who, When, Where, Why questions to this if you feel like it, but yeah that's the opening of the book.
No explanation, no nothing, we jump right into some "thing" leaving the city without looking back, you can see this leaves more questions than answers, but at the same time, the information we can get from this paragraph and the ones that follow is that this world is a very hostile place.
So, why is Echo City opening engaging? Because it hints at worldbuilding at every step, it leaves us with questions which it promises to answer and- despite it's lack of an exact description- it's quite visually rich, as the reader can clearly picture the bonelands in their mind, just by hearing the general descriptions the author gives and how the creature starts to crumble apart as it makes it's way through the bonelands.

It is fine to start something with an unrelated scene that's important to set the tone or hint at the worldbuilding, or explain something very important that we yet do not comprehend.
But doing so can be tricky, if done in the wrong way, you might just make the reader feel lost and if the reader feels lost or does not care about what is happening, he or she will most likely drop the piece before it gets to the important part.

It's also important not to drag a piece for way longer than it is welcomed, gosh some authors just love the sound of the keys typing and they end up writing a 160 pages novel on something that could very well be resolved in 80-100 pages. (Like some novel i read a few days ago, it was called The Collector, i have a lot of things to say about it but i wont)

I think you will do well nonny, i see a lot of potential in your story, i hope you keep practicing because i know you can write-up something very interesting.
Anonymous
87ba7a1
?
No.345082
d94uicf-d4e00982-f40c-46b4-b9cc-d345362fec0b.jpg
>>345042
>>345049
Sorry for the late reply, it was a busy day I didn't expected.

>Honestly, now that i understand a bit more of what is going on, i find it very interesting.
>Worldbuilding-wise, this is a very interesting story, and i see you like to focus a lot on the political tensions between all the powers, that is also quite nice.
Thanks, is relieving to hear you had an easier time following the story. And am glad you were able to enjoy it to some degree.
>If anything, i still get the feeling this is written like a movie script, i'm not sure if that's good or bad yet because the way animated media works and novels work are usually quite different.
You are right, and this is no justification, but I honestly started writing this with the comic in mind.

>You know, i actually have read -part- of a book that starts telling you something important without much explanation, and it was a good novel.Let me show you how it starts, it's called Echo City...It is fine to start something with an unrelated scene that's important to set the tone or hint at the worldbuilding, or explain something very important that we yet do not comprehend.
>But doing so can be tricky, if done in the wrong way, you might just make the reader feel lost and if the reader feels lost or does not care about what is happening, he or she will most likely drop the piece before it gets to the important part.
Alright, this is honestly stellar. Thanks a lot anon, I'll come back to this post when I work on my re-write.
>It's also important not to drag a piece for way longer than it is welcomed.
Yeah, don't worry I'll rather be as brief as possible due to time constraints.
>I mean, it is your writing style and some authors have weird writing styles that, somehow, manage to work.
I think I was wrong there. The other anon did suggested a bit more detail but it does align more with this:
<"As you can see, he put a lot of emphasis on this man's look and his body language/how he handled himself, and not so much on his clothes."
As he did mentioned body language. So, in case you're lurkin' nearby, sorry anon.

>I really have no idea how that's supposed to help haha
Well, I dunno if it had something to do with it, but you've managed to follow the story a lot better than anyone else. not their fault
>I think you will do well nonny, i see a lot of potential in your story, i hope you keep practicing because i know you can write-up something very interesting.
Thanks mate, I really appreciate your time and effort reading and providing feedback. You were quick, clear, concise and provided more than pertinent examples along the way. I wish I could have given back an equal reply.
Thanks a lot again, all in all, am glad I made that joke.
Anonymous
e47337a
?
No.345236
345239
Found something brilliantly written but it's not pony fanfiction

https://archiveofourown.org/works/22043224?view_full_work=true

I didn't think I would read it all but the story sucked me in. Felt like time wasn't even passing as I read it. It even made me feel emotions! And it had some great scenes with characters I didn't even like in the original, they turned out better here.

Is this what good writing looks like? The descriptions of the world seem superb and the author has a great grasp of the characters. I'd call parts of it too edgy if the level of violence and darkness present wasn't typical for the story's inspiration or lesser in comparison. In however much of this you want to read, what is there to analyze?
Anonymous
b51cf0a
?
No.345239
345241
>>345236
I'll read it soon enough and tell you, but i must inquire, if it is good writing what you're striving for, why not read a real book to use as example, instead of fanfiction?
Anonymous
e47337a
?
No.345241
>>345239
I have been reading real books, this fic was recommended to me by somebody else.
Anonymous
e47337a
?
No.345335
What easily understood evil shit can an invading SJW army from SJWland do to the hero's hometown and its people?

It has to be something understandable for general audiences new to politics, because in this piece of media I'm only taking politics as far as "SJWs are bad because liberalism doesn't work". No jew or WW2 stuff. Once people move to sites where they can talk about SJWs, they eventually watch videos about that stuff anyway, learning of the jewish origins of marxism and the marxist origins of SJWism.
Anonymous
e47337a
?
No.345337
Btw would it be accurate to say the core idea of Doom x Animal Crossing is better than the core idea of Fallout Equestria because it embraces the contrast instead of mixing it?

Where DxAC has fun with the contrast between cutesy animal cartoon friendliness and hyperviolent demon slaying fun, making Isabelle enjoy demon slaying as a vacation from work and putting doomguy on the island to enjoy peaceful activities or engage in peaceful activities hyperviolently, Fallout Equestria squanders what makes both distinct properties interesting by blending them into one miserable setting where the Mane Six's intellectual and moral failings allow Ziggers to ruin everything and create a boringly homogenous world of bleak edgelordery.

Everyone's favourite Doom and AC characters can have something to do in the crossover, but in FE the backstory of FE ruins and kills off its versions of the canon characters. If your favourite character in FIM is mortal and didn't die during Fallout Equestria, he or she probably died of old age over 200 years without magic/cryogenics getting involved.

And where Doom Eternal has fun shredding ontologically evil demons who deserve worse than anything any player or modder or writer can do to them, Fallout Equestria's edgy so it tries making ontologically evil monsters out of cutesy cartoon ponies. Even though Fallout already has monsters like RadScorpions and Deathclaws. Raiders(tm) and Slavers(tm) just run around raiding and slaving for no reason like MMO mobs until armed characters show up to kill them and effortlessly automatically establish a liberal democracy where Pure Evil aka any alternative to it (that's how the author sees politics) used to be.

Fluttershy shooting evil edgy ponies over ideology is tragic. Fluttershy putting down brain damaged Feral Ghouls is tragic(and a competent author would have focused on that tragedy when writing them instead of making their melee swipes detonate cars).

Some OC from a Fallout Vault/Stable born 200 years the world got nuked is completely divorced from FIM's setting even if the author says she had Moon Dancer as an ancestor alive 200 years ago. But Fluttershy shooting Doom Eternal demons is fun, like Isabelle shooting demons. But if a FIM x Doom story takes itself too seriously and gives the cartoon critters Battle Saddles and makes Doom's events into a bad future for FIM, that ruins the fun by eliminating what makes FIM unique, right?
Anonymous
b67a2c8
?
No.345463
345464 345465 345466
Watched Avatar (blue people film) with my girl recently.
Starting to think my current story would be more effective and far shorter and therefore better if there were no libtard enemies invading and ruining the fantasy world, and the story is instead an isekai coming of age story where a failed woman redoes life in a better traditional world and grows into a good woman free from the influences that corrupted her long ago.
No invading orcnigger barbarian army imported by child-eating goblins who need to be overthrown. No complicated politics. Just a good woman who wants to do good for the people who raised her right.
Anonymous
76d2921
?
No.345464
>>345463
>Watched Avatar (blue people film) with my girl recently.
No you didn’t
Anonymous
87ba7a1
?
No.345465
>>345463
>Blue people film

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YsfFJarMeJk
Anonymous
e5c2bc8
?
No.345466
1648048616946.gif
>>345463
>pretending to have a girlfriend to impress anons on /mlpol/
Anonymous
b67a2c8
?
No.345467
Knew I shouldn't have brought her up. If you want to believe she's imaginary that's fine.
Is Mongrels any good or is it shit?
Anonymous
bdade16
?
No.346182
346226
Braveheart seems like an effective propaganda film. Starts with the assertion that anyone who contradicts this version of events is trying to defend the English, who are portrayed as pure evil in this film to a historically inaccurate degree. Ends with the hero tortured and killed, because ending tales with a happy ending resolves the conflict and makes you feel like things are okay, but ending the story in tragedy makes you walk away wanting the wrong righted. Seems like that's how propaganda should be written... right? I'm still so new at all of this.

Showed my shit old Fallout Equestria fic to an apolitical writer friend, someone with no context for FIM, Fallout, Fallout Equestria, or modern politics. He hated the story, called its pacing glacial and its protagonist unbearably miserable. Hated the way I tried weaving technobabble into the story by making the hero a tech worker, he said I should have just shortened the technobabble and turned it into ads heard during a train ride before giving the hero a manual labour job where he's whipped down the mines, or some other cartoonish job that's immediately understandable as "slave labour" in the average viewer's mind. Also he hated how the hero doesn't get a "pet the dog" scene where he takes a tiny risk to do the right thing and succeeds. I thought making the hero unable to do the right thing under the sheeple regime was the point, but I always could have slipped in the hero helping some funeral attendees escape the slaughter.

He also hated that the heroes are competent and not incompetent, and he hated that the heroes are strong predatory animals controlled by a system ruled by herbivorous sheeple puppeteered by the rich, because he thought it would be better if the heroes were cute cuddly mammals and the villains were villainous "Nazi Eagle supermacists" who eat little kittens alive. "Or at the very least, villainous Lion monarchists who eat little kittens alive".

But changing that changes the story. The heroes are supposed to be people who would be great in a better system. Good-hearted geniuses and athletes denied opportunities gifted to the grass gobblers. Maybe adding more heroes to Team Hero would make that theme clearer. More people from all sorts of walks of life who could be great if not for the regime screwing them.

But I liked his "Give the hero a loved one, the villains take her away to be raped by the mad king of evil, the hero is forced to join the Resistance and violently overthrow the villains to save what he really cares about" suggestion. Even though I think giving the hero a personal motive to oppose the villains like revenge or saving a loved one detracts from any ideological or moral drive to change things. It makes me wonder if some fictional heroes would do the right thing if not forced to, when circumstances force the hero to do the right thing.

Perhaps the hero could have a cute little sister, a soft hearted sweetheart who wouldn't hurt a fly or lift a paw to defend herself, and the villains arrest her and put her in a gulag on bullshit charges(expressing sympathy for her own people?) so the hero has to save her from the rapist in charge by freeing all political dissidents present, who reunite with the Resistance and fight the tyranny of sheep. Perhaps the pedo in charge of the gulag could be the corrupt tyrannical evil Queen President's son.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.346183
346226
>>338677
<83 days an countin. Ah tried appealin to the folks on the radio, but all Ah get is static. Are all these ponies I hear over the comms just recordings?
Seriously, I think Ive been exceedingly patient thus far. And its not like Im asking for a review of War and Peace, this could take minutes,....
Anonymous
8345109
?
No.346226
346256 346461
>>346183
I suppose, that if I say I'll try to get to this today, you won't believe me? Well, that's how it will go down, if it's going down. Wanted to show that I'm not ignoring you though.

>>346182
>I'm still so new at all of this.
I don't think so. I think, you should have more confidence in yourself. You do have a good understanding of storytelling, you just have problems filtering yourself (aka pacing, red-thread).
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.346256
>>346226
You're right, I should be more confident.
Something makes this tricky...
Media out there demonizes us good guys, but if media wants to demonize the bad guys it just has to tell the truth about them. And there is not much of that. Sometimes media tells the truth about the enemy accidentally in an attempt to lie about reality, even if it's in the form of apolitically lying about reality through a fantasy story. Sometimes hook nosed greedy goblins run the banks and the author thinks nothing of it until the jew cries about it. The enemy wildly bludgeons us with simplistic lies until they stick in the heads of retards. But trying to explain the ways the enemy hurts us in a way the audience can understand is tricky.
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.346257
Furthermore, it's one thing to write about a character born into a world full of tragedy and oppression. But how can I put the appeal of escapist fantasy into these stories, and make these stories less overwhelmingly miserable? Giving the hero the means to fight back and win, toppling dictators with the power of holy magical laserbeams and AR-15s? That's a fantasy, not a fantasy story.

But the "Other world" or Isekai genre, where a human is sent to a fantasy world to live there or save it or try to return home... It's inherently escapist. Whether the guy sent in is a generic bland everyman blank slate or a detailed character with opinions and worldviews shaped by facts and past experiences, no guides to writing a fantasy world spell out how to fill your story with truth. The real truth, which the jews censor. And when magic is inherently a lie, how can you work it into a story to make it a fantasy story?

Can i still depict trannies as a bunch of mentally ill clowns who glue wings to their arms and leap off buildings because groomers told them this will turn them into real birds, if the story starts with a deity of fantasy land teleporting a human named Tim into fantasy land as a bird man? How can a book say "fantasies won't let you fly" when the book itself is a fantasy? How can your work be Christian when it relies on unchristian bullshit to happen in the first place? Can a female protagonist be the ideal tomboy gf while rejecting feminist propaganda and "muh strong wamen" bullshit, or does the fact that she's actively shaping her destiny and shooting orcish niggers instead of staying home baking pies for her chad husband while he's out shooting niggers make her less than the ideal trad submissive wife? Are Isekai protagonists technically illegal immigrants?

There are plenty of guides on shoehorning bullshit wokism into your story, making it artificially diverse-looking yet entirely black and white in its morality despite all the moral-relativist pretension. Guides on depicting whites as cowardly weak irrational hateful morons for not loving diversity. Guides on keeping your work in line with current SocJus propaganda. Guides on "understanding and accurately depicting" things the average calartsfag has never interacted with except the guides are full of propaganda and misinformation and demonization. Guides on making your villains morally reprehensible and unappealing to the audience, just in case you're afraid of idiot readers fantasizing about joining team rocket and having fun instead of taking away what you want them to take away from the story(the villains are bad). A site I used to use as a valuable source for writing advice long ago went full retard years ago and has been on a downward spiral since, recently it posted this idiocy https://springhole.net/other/story-of-a-former-conservative-conspiracy-believer.htm and I'll never understand why so many smug libtard midwits feel the need to make up tragic origin stories for themselves where they used to be Christian. Am I expected to believe they failed to meet a single Christian growing up who was not what Jewish Hollywood says Christians are? Am I expected to believe they all had the exact same upbringing? They all grew up in a very Christian place supposedly before moving to some woke shithole, getting lovebombed and gaslit and shamed and patterned and dogtrained and demoralized and groomed until they see the world and even themselves and their own past through a distorted ideological lens, but they never have anything to say about islamic terrorism or the levels of violence because they're so busy obsessing over inane Dollself Sanskin Sherlocksexual Genderqueer faggotry they can't see any evidence that the white christians were right all along.
Anonymous
10f9d33
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No.346308
346312
Seems trying to put the totality of modern politics into a story overwhelms the story.
Could something further removed from earth, like medieval fantasy countries at war using swords and wizards, be fertile ground for a series of stories embodying one redpill each?
Anonymous
2807619
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No.346312
346314
>>346308
It's not an issue of setting, it's an issue of trying to say too many complicated things at once within the same story. Even if you're dealing with large macro problems, a single protagonist isn't going to be directly affected by all of it. Try focusing on how these macro problems affect your character's life directly, instead of focusing on the macro problems themselves. What direct problems is this character facing and how do those problems relate to the issues affecting the world at large?

Your character also needs a goal. The goal needs to make sense for his situation and be attainable. "Saving the entire world from child-raping Hebrew bankers while also waking up the normies and restructuring the world economy" is probably not an attainable goal for anyone, so maybe focus on something smaller and more tailored to his situation. Maybe he's trying to pay off his house after falling victim to some predatory lending scam. Maybe his daughter is being brainwashed into a drug-addicted thot by rapacious Muslims and he's trying to win her back. Maybe both of those things are going on simultaneously and he's dealing with both.

You can have multiple goals/problems for a protagonist if you want, the key is that they need to relate to him specifically and be things that he could reasonably deal with. In your specific case, I'd actually advise against giving your character multiple goals, and would say that you should just focus on a short, simple story about a character trying to solve a single problem, since you have a tendency to get pulled off the rails when your ideas become too complex. The main idea though is to not get bogged down in the complexity of the world's problems on a macro-scale; you want to focus on your character's situation and on what affects him directly, and tailor the character's goals and problems to fit that situation.
Anonymous
10f9d33
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No.346314
346323
>>346312
How's this?
>be sad guy protagonist neet
>be working in dead end entry level job with shit female bosses and co workers
>struggle to afford rent even with 3 male roommates
>each is some flavour of cucked beta male with unproductive obsessions
>one's watching tv show that foreshadows problem
>phone is called
>his sister had a child and doesnt want to take care of it plus the father was killed by isislamic explosion on the subway
>protagonist must take care of a child now
>the men put away childish things and learn the joy of being fathers/uncles
>protagonist's sister is awful until she gives up "muh strong independent actress waitress" bullshit and goes home to be a mother
>neighbour makes an incest joke and protagonist's roommates call the neighbour an unfunny faggot, protagonist is shocked as he is not used to men sticking up for him
>many chapters intended to make the audience love this adorable child later, muslims try to kidnap the kid for an occult jewish ritual so the hero murders them and gets his kid back
>at first he goes in thinking he can sneak in undetected and get out undetected but when spotted it's kill or be killed so it's technically not premeditated murder I guess
>and they all lived happily ever after
>except the dead jew muslims
Anonymous
be57da6
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No.346323
346338
>>346314
Not bad. I think the father getting exploded by terrorists is a bit much, and the kidnapping/spy infiltration angle feels a little out of left field. Also, "Jew Muslim" is a bit of an oxymoron. Other than that though, not a bad idea; I could see this working as a story.
Anonymous
10f9d33
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No.346338
>>346323
Thanks, thought the birth father had to die to justify the neet hero being promoted to parent. Guess the birth father could be a deadbeat who flees, but muslims doing it sets them up as evil for later. Could do a scene where a girl the dead father was important to cries "muh poor muslims, muh islamophobia, what if this makes people dislike them" while his warm flesh chunks are still being picked out of her hair and other peoples hair. And the hero thinks "wow, they're still the center of your universe even now".
Still not sure about the ending... I want something involving necessary and righteous physical violence against pedophiles to save a kidnapped baby in mortal peril. A climax the audience should cheer for.
Could always give the neet hero a friend to do the violence for him. Or the heroic men could do it together. Perhaps a small army could form as everyone whose life hero neet touched and improved wants to help.
But it would still fundamentally be a story about several men raising a child and eventually saving it. Not much universal appeal.

How could modern politics work in a generic fantasy setting? They're more universally appealing. But part of the appeal seems to be how it's so divorced from reality. Wise good kings rule fairly and never cause famines or suffering due to corrupt advisors, magic items provide power only the worthy can wield, some people shoot fireballs from their hands yet they'll only turn evil if demons seduce them into it, interventionist gods exist, dragons are rideable, monster girls are fuckable, evil wizards make skeleton armies because they're cunts who want the world dead, and fantasy swords work better than normal ones. Where's the room for realist morals like "fuck libtards" or "six gorillion was a mathematical impossibility" or "race is more important than noble families and thrones and crowns"?
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.346413
>write bland vanilla protagonist with more intetesting friend
>rewrite more interesting character to be the lead
>find myself writing the new protag as a blander vanilla character on the grounds that "the lead hero can't think something that controversial or do something if he's not 100% morally in the right, or he might turn away readers"
Is this a common thing for new writers?
Anonymous
9b9cf99
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No.346461
346479
>>346226
>I say I'll try to get to this today
How bizarre that I was so confident that it would happened and then it didn't.
Oh, well any day now. I'm sure.
Anonymous
10f9d33
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No.346477
346480
image.png
Not sure how many people here are familiar with Chatoyance's "ID - That Indestructible Something" but I have to ask...

Would the story actually improve if it was changed to revolve around Gregoria's character growth and an inverse of what Kafka's Metamorphosis seems to be?

The way it is now, the story's weird.
Gregoria's a loser jobless human girl who mooches off her cunt parents and abandoned a friend in need for being "too clingy" after her lover died, but she turns into a FIM pony one day, except most humans can't notice she's a MLPFIM pony.
The friend she abandoned helps her, and they start to wonder if Equestria's real and why this horse transformation happened.
Gregoria realizes she used to be a shit friend.
Malus Crown is a rich Apple-obsessed human digging up and looking at Kafka's corpse for some reason.
Many words later Malus turns out to be Steve Jobs and he's gathering all sorts of transformed animal people together because he's just sooo nice, also reality's a simulation and the deaths of some "Code Holders" can rewrite its past, present, and future spontaneously. Gregoria's friend's lover was a military guy and Code Holder and his death triggered pony transformations and made Gregoria's friend into Celestia.
Half of a secret govt organization wanted to prove this to the other, the other half is convinced reality's real and nonhumans need to be exploited evilly. The new Celestia got killed repeatedly by the govt villains to try and "prove" this world's a simulation or something, this mindbreaks her.
Oh and some character we weren't properly introduced to sacrificed himself to save people. Can't have Gregoria make that sacrifice to prove how she's grown as a person during this story.
In the end Gregoria and many others get to live with Steve Jobs in another country, having left America. Gregoria seemingly learned nothing and gets to mooch off another man, just as she once mooched off her parents. Sure she's a nicer friend but the story seems like it became a missed opportunity the second the author got distracted by the concept of reality being a simulation the deaths of important people can retcon.

Kafka's Metamorphosis is about a guy others relied on suddenly turning into a cockroach, forcing him to rely on those who once relied on him and hate him now. Losing the magic angle and saying the guy relied on got disabled after a drunk driver injured him wouldn't radically transform the story's events. If the true point of the story is "Cockroaches only love you if they can rely on you, and hate you if you're lowered to their level" this story about an awful human turning into a better pony was in a unique position to reject that idea and counterargue that just as negative transformations can ruin the lives of good people, beneficial transformation can turn bad humans into better people and help them bring out the best in those around them. It really seemed like Gregoria's story was going to be about this pony growing and helping others and turning her life around for the better(maybe even becoming her own boss, finding work in a field ponies are better at than humans, helping the friend who lost her lover get over this, proving to her parents she really does have value, and eventually rejecting the evil Malus Crown's offer. He could say to give up her free will and ability to help others, offering to take her his mansion to be looked after like a pet in his indoor home zoo next to his Puppy Room, but she would prove she has learned the value of self-sufficiency and ponyness by saying no, and then he might fuck off miserably or a chase sequence or fight might ensue, maybe the typical "hidden animal buddy roadtrip on the run from the law" cliches could ensue) before everything started revolving around Malus and conspiracies and setting up the Not-Matrix-Verse, ideas so inherently huge and dehumanizing individual characters seem pointless in the grand scheme of things.

At any point in Gregoria's life, and at any point after she perishes, any Code Holder's death could retcon the reality lived by the ones and zeroes in the Not Matrix's artificial reality. Nobody's real in this setting to themselves or each other and nothing interesting and philosophical is done with these big ideas every character seems eager to forget about. Anything anyone could accomplish today could be undone tomorrow, retconned out of reality thanks to the death of some random Star Trek-obsessed NEET causing a buffer overflow that replaces much of reality with Wookiepedia's garbage data about Glup Shitto.

This story could have included philosophical pondering about whether artificial reality matters even if no true reality is confirmed to exist or not exist outside it. Or dropped the concept entirely and focused on people embodying big ideas. I think a story that says "Pony makes you better" would have worked better than this ejaculation of random matrixesque troll physics headcanons meant to set up a "Shared fanfiction universe" so broad and open-ended literally any story in this setting could be written outside it without any changes because all that makes a story part of this "shared universe" is that it takes place in this story's specific definition of simulated reality. Writing in more interesting universes will give you characters and worlds full of history and worldbuilding, but this "shared universe" could contain anything and be anything at any moment, which means it's effectively nothing.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
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No.346479
>>346461
Relax Sven, Im only picking on you because Im not going to do any damage. I do appreciate and anticipate your reception, but Im also running low on cheeky ways to non-disruptively(?) beg for input.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
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No.346480
346486
>>346477
Meanwhile
>pic related
What kind of beta cuck are you? EVERYWHERE I PISS is the bathroom
Having said
>I dont know if anyobe relates, but heres 3 pages about a niche thing I just gotta blog about
Never change, anon
Anonymous
10f9d33
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No.346486
>>346480
Knew I should have TLDRd.
TLDR story starts focusing on Gregoria the pony only to get distracted by a squirrel in the form of a dumb idea.
Would story be improved if it focused entirely on Gregoria and doing something interesting with Kafka's Metamorphosis like writing a counterargument to it in story form, or would that just make it different and no inherently better or worse than what ID Indestructible Dsomething ended up being?

On an unrelated note it pisses me off that it's ID Indestructible Something instead of ID Indestructible Destiny. DmC: Devil May Cry was a stupid title but it would be stupider if it was DMC: Devils Die Alone. That doesn't fit the acronym at all.
Anonymous
10f9d33
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No.346547
Also the Mongrels story seems to be written well after all.
There's a bit where (huge spoiler) Louis fights an evil dogman and uses fake shit to win. Fake idiocy where he pretends his plan begins and ends at charging head first like a retard when it was really to detatch his fake horns and ram his fake foot down the mutt's throat. The moment where the dog's surprised the other horn is also fake was stupid but acceptable. Louis even pisses the dog off by revealing he was raised to be livestock, shocking the dog who thought he and his organization members were the only people alive with tragic pasts or something, and he would know this if his organization wasn't full of cringe nihilist suicidal edgefags. The dog almost wins anyway despite all that trickery, crawling like a dying mad animal, but he sees himself reflected in Louis's fuckhuge eyes and that breaks him, which was foreshadowed earlier. A lazy writer would probably make Louis a generic invincible quipping bang shooty guy with one liners. But that wouldn't be true to the character. Louis is not invincible and this author knows how to make that work.
Anonymous
10f9d33
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No.346924
346929
writing books be like.jpg
>when you want to write books without degeneracy and books where your ideology wins and purges degeneracy from degenerate worlds but envisioning a world without gravity would be easier than envisioning a world without the degeneracy you saw from day one
what do?
Anonymous
cdd5841
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No.346929
346966
my_lit12.jpg
>>346924
>what do?
1- Gravity doesn't exist
2- A world without degeneracy is totally possible, if the toll is paid
3- Begin preparations for to purge this realm.
Anonymous
9da281e
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No.346963
346964
>>338677
So I read it. It stopped when it got intresting if you want my opinion. Otherwise, I neither loved it nor disliked it. It was hard to read through.
This is my honest take, however, make note that this is also a subjective take and nothing more.
I like your mc though.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.346964
>>346963
>It stopped when it got interesting
Apologies, I was sparing myself of continuing the narration until someone expressed an interest in it.
My biggest concern is with prose/narration, and my concern is how it comes across to the audience. Like, there are alot of little mentions both in the prelude and during the scene which are nods/references to prior events that might need more illustration, bu also for which 'this' instance is not the appropriate time, in story.
Does not knowing the reference hurt the marration? Like, are they the sort of reference that piques curiosity of what Im referencing, or is it more the aort of reference that makes you wanna punch me for being less comprehensive?
Anonymous
10f9d33
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No.346966
346974
>>346929
Thank you but that's not what I meant. I need to see more depictions of degeneracy-free worlds if I'm ever going to write one well enough to get the audience attached to it. Can you recommend media with any good depictions of places without authoritarian jewish libtard dictators or degeneracy?
My local church is pozzed libtardism without any real christians present, so they're no help.
Anonymous
8df9516
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No.346974
346975
>>346966
> I need to see more depictions of degeneracy-free worlds if I'm ever going to write one well
So, you need more so you can copy them?
Anonymous
10f9d33
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No.346975
>>346974
I wouldn't copy them directly, I'd take inspiration from them.
Anonymous
ecbf7c7
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No.347167
347209
6390432.png
6382322.png
>Be Fair Star.
>Dressed in your pink and fluffy bathrobe you saunter downstairs.
>At the dining table you see a young stallion eating a sandwich with apple slices on it.
>His coat is silver and his spikey blonde mane obscures his face as he hunches over something on the table.
"Watch you reading, cousin?" you call over to him.
>He jerks and looks up.
>You finally see the open book on the table, confirming your suspicions.
>He looks at you with a hint of annoyance.
>He almost seems to hesitate in showing you the book but then push it towards you.
>As you get closer, you recognice it instantly.
"Ooh, my book. Wanna learn blinkers' art? You don't need to read a book for that. I can teach you, you know?" you say as you walk over to the fridge.
>You take out a bottle of orange juice and start drinking.
>"Well, I'm not sure if I'm gonna commit to it yet but I thought I might try to incorporate into my Appleloosa bar brawl style." the stallion says.
>You start to laugh mid-drink and have to struggle as not to spill any as you choke on it.
>You manage after some unladylike coughs and shallowing to avert a spilling crisis.
"Wait, heh heh. You're gonna... You bar fight, Silver?"
>Silver didn't seem amused.
>"It's a martial arts style. It has bar in it's name because it was developed from bar fights. It's like most earth pony martial arts, with a lot of hindleg bucks, but mixes in some more front hoof kicks." He seemed to relax. "But if you don't know that, it does sounds a bit stranger doesn't it? But it's an actual martial art."
>During the time Silver had held a speech and explained the nature of earth pony martial arts, you had managed to unpack your breakfast on the opposite side of the table.
>You have your bottle of juice, your bowl of salad, and knäckebröd (which is good for your digestion).
>"Once, I and my lil' bro Braebrun along with other pony cowboys to fend of cattle rustlers. I've been thinking of incorporating with teleportation before I saw even heard of unicorns' blinkers' arts..."
>Fair Star gave Silver warm smile something she knew he would miss.
>She went back to eating her breakfast again.
>While she ate, she was only listening with one ear Silver continued his monologue.
>Ever since her cousin had moved in to live with you and well your dad, his uncle, in Canterlot you had started to get to know him more.
>You'd never meet up until that point.
>Silver's mother, Fallen Star, had broken off with the family years ago and had started a family with an earth pony farmer in Appleloosa.
>Dad had said that your aunt hated magic but you always got the gut feeling he wasn't telling you everything.
>Anyway, you didn't know the details, but Silver had somehow gotten in contact with dad and asked to stay here while studying magic in Canterlot.
>So these days, you ended up spending a lot of time with the cousin you had always known about but never meet.
>And you had noticed that when he felt strongly for something he would get very passionately into it.
>You smiled to yourself as Silver started to compare martial arts style between pegasi, unicorns, and earth ponies.
>You started bleping at him; no reaction.
>His clearly not even talking to you anymore.
>You shake your head but decide that least he gets it out of his system as you starts to answer his sentences with, "Mm-uhmm," between crunching on some salad's leaves.
Anonymous
68435c3
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No.347209
347211
6459223.png
>>347167
>Be Silver Apple but Fair and Nav, your uncle, only seem to regard you as a star more than an apple.
>Guess that's to be expect, that's how your related afterall but there's just something about their tenacity on calling reminding you of being star that feels like they are trying to say something more with it.
>Not sure what though, it's clear that both of them are very proud of being unicorns, their noble status, and their family legacy but what they're trying to tell you is a bit lost on you.
>Not sure if they are trying to welcome your or insult you.
>You lean towards the former because both of them seem like nice ponies.
Anonymous
68435c3
?
No.347211
>>347209
So he takes the hint when it comes to them using his other last name but not when it comes to Fair Star not really listening? Yeah, seems like an inconsistency to me as well.
While I'mbeing meta, I'd just say that this a short-story where I intend to write off some ideas I had with Nigel's oc Silver Star. After all the time in the past we spent talking about him, it's only natural that I been thinking on what to do with a character like him so here's sort of my take on him and on the lore. Call it a fanfanfic if you will.