/mlpol/ - My Little Politics


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Archived thread


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Writefag Support Circle: A Gathering of Based Gentlemen Who Smoke Pipes.
Anonymous
78d7e52
?
No.336928
336929 336941 336955 337011 338530 357376
Hello. This is the second thread of the writefag circle, here: >>299458 →

Basically all that is said in that OP applies to this one but I'll go through the 'rules' of this thread here as well.

So, the main point of this thread is to facilitate and enable Anons' writefagging; in a similar way pride facilitates and enables aids.;^P The Anons in this thread can be seperated into two camps: Anons who wants help with their writing project(s) and Anons that feel inclined to help those aforementioned shrek-colored skinheads.

Crafting and beta-reading is what we do here, any critique of literature not made by a guy submitted for this thread should be incidental; it should be when you —as a beta-reader of fics posted ITT— make a comparision between the fic your reviewing and some other story for the sake of demonstrating your point, whatever it is.

This is NOT: A review thread for unsolicited rants about random media which does not fall into the mold for how to use a refrence in this thread described in the above paragraph. Meaning if you're not using —like, let's pick something arbitrary— Naruto for a comparision in your critique of someone's writing itt, then don't bring it up. I understand that tangents can happen and if it's like a few exchanges with a pair of posters; then it's fine. However, don't make this a pattern and also move whatever off-thread-topic discussion to a more fitting board/thread. There's after all no problem with finding someone to converse with and share perspectives on a subject you care about but just take it to an appropriate thread. Sidenote: Nigel, these rules applies to you in a stricter fashion because I would not have to detail them with this much precision if it weren't for you.

I hope that I haven't scared anybody off. This is still suppose to be a chill af thread. Funposting is very much allowed and encouraged. It really is more that some type of posting —like, things that are completely irrelevant to the thread— does not belong here. I know, rocket-science and a rule that is seldom seen and highly unique for this thread. Perhaps you could call it a... Novelty. (You) intelligent lurker, obviously get the subtext of this OP so you probably won't need to worry about any of this. I'd say if you're unsure if what you're about to post belongs in the thread, then post it anyway. The worst that can happen is that someone tells you to move it to another thread and you get a better insight of what post belongs in thread. If you consist on fish and chips, however, I'd sugguest you think twice on what you're posting and perhaps even ask beforehand if your rant about lefties and Undertale belongs here.

If there are any questions on the OP, ask away?
Anonymous
78d7e52
?
No.336929
>>336928
>If there are any questions on the OP, ask away?
*ask away.
Anonymous
060a0e3
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No.336941
336964
Spoilered
>>336928
Anonymous
ebe5a91
?
No.336955
336957
1638830386375.png
>>336928
After the last threads trainwreck into the septic tank I think it's time to look for another alternative to the moderation that sits with their thumb on their ass over the Niggel neverending invasion of posts. I think it's worth trying a writefag thread on nhnb but it'll have to be poni only, the OP isn't enough to deter Niggel's dysfunctional brain so why put up with it.
Anonymous
7041c44
?
No.336957
>>336955
Naughty Hoers Neuron Bay? I second this motion. Get ready to have your particles accelerated with the power of piracy!

Also: fuck Niggel, but doublefuck the do-nothing shits that are still defending his pigshit insane retardation.
Anonymous
645653f
?
No.336964
337263
>>336941
Eyyy
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.337011
>>336928
Thank you for posting this, I guess Ill start things off then.
One thing to openly declare is, all of my writings lately have been dramatizations of RP events, tyoically Ashes Town. For clarity, this is because whatnis happening in Ashes town is a canon sequence of events that pertain to a DnD campaign Inhave going.
RP event dramatization is a really good venue and impetus to practoce writing, because the difficulty is in making otherwise banal sequences of events into a fleshed-out series of interactions and dialogue. It alsonhelpsbthat the skeleton (what happened) is already formed, and it is only on the authornto describe the interveneing events and minutiae that turn the story from a series of basic exchanges and dice rolls into a coherent storyline.
One can readily differentiate between shitty content and decent content by how many people like hearing the short-hand version of the story, often sparing the author and readers unnecessary effort, and with enough 'approved' content, they can be steung together into a narrative story.
Example from last night:
>What happened
Addy, sitting alone in the bar doing shots. Some rando runs up and steals her drink, drinks it, and starts screaming obscenities. Addy pulls a .500mag, taps him on the forehead with it and (attack roll 94, defense roll 51) kills him.
>Story
Whether with a lead-in from a previous episode of scavenging, or as a stand-alone start to a narrative, I would start by describing the sounds of the bar, the ache of her joints, perhaps the grime on her clothes (possibly referencing previous experiences) and specifically her desire for ease after a hard day.
If a stand-alone, she would reflect on the day and anything significant, before getting a good 2 sheets to the wind. It was a bit of a.celebration (it was a good day) after all.
And then the antagonist would be introduced, first audibly (she could hear him making his way....) and would probably describe her getting focibly pushed aside as he stumbled/pushed/fell past her, taking her drink.
She would then be described as trying to be reasonablr, until he downed the entire bottle and then started hoofing his crotch and spouting the sorts of things Ziggers typically say (with possible references to undesirable ziggers she had dealt with who didnt warrant an episode).
She would then let her rage and alcohol get the better of her, and deciding not to miss in spite of her diminished coordination, would place the barrel against the face for good measure.
The rest of the scene would be pensive. Everypony in the bar had the good sense to ignore the scene (no one responded irl, but it makes a good scene), as she unceremoniously dragged the body - some nopony she had ever seen - outside to skin, clean, and trim, before carrying the remains back to her hideout where she had a natural (powerless) refrigerator buried to preserve meat with.
As she did so, she would think to herself (especially as she sobered) about how she shouldnt have responded so rashly (and indeed, the next morning she would purchase a stout piece of 2x4 for non-lethally disciplining undesirables) but she also knew her friends would have a mighty feast because of this pony's transgressions.
Id end the scene with some sort of affirmation that Addy is neither good nor evil, and that such considerations rarely bothered her, they were just part of living in the wasteland.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.337015
1646385677079.jpg
As a serial mobile-poster, many spelling and typo errors were made
Anonymous
a0d9419
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No.337263
337279
_Sonata taco.png
>>336964
>Sonata crosses the border to the human dimension, mindrapes the natives, and likes tacos.
What did Hasbro mean by this?
Anonymous
5769b29
?
No.337279
File (hide): 17DA44A5173F7BDB05DA9BCB6A0727B8-2889372.webm (2.8 MB, Resolution:640x640 Length:00:00:29, 1646546413979(2).webm) [play once] [loop]
1646546413979(2).webm
>>337263
muricanz should reinforce the wall with shim batallions
Anonymous
8ce17a5
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No.338200
338202 338380 338381
So let's kickoff some writing with a simple shitpost.

>Be Anon.
>Be in Rarity's boutique.
>What kinda shenanigans will go down here?
>Oh ho ho.
"Mmmh, this tea is simply divine, Miss rarity," you say as you sip on your green tea.
>Sip sip sip.
>"Oh, isn't it darling. You're such a gentlecolt, Anon. I can only imagine how many mares wishes you were their special somepony." Rarity says and takes miniscule nibble on small diet cookie.
>Rarity's words echo in your head as your teeth grinds together.
>You slap the tea cup off the table so it shatters on the floor.
"But men are suppose to be dominant, not gentle!"
>"Hoooo!" Rarity brings a hoof to her forehead.
"Not posh, but raw and dirty." You grab a chocolate cake, smash it into your face, and start to just smear it over your face.
>Rarity brings her hooves to her chest. leans back, and says, "Oh my."
"Ura ura ura," your deep, croaking laughter surrounds Rarity
>She can't help but to tremble in place.
"M-mister A-Anonymous?" she squeaks out.
"SILENCE!" You slam your fist into the table and a symphony of scrambling porcelain go off.
>You extend you arm, your finger across the table; you dive forth and boop the rarity; Objection!
>You loom over her and the shadow you cast eclipses the sun.
>He eyes widen; "Habububaba habububaba," escapes through her smattering lips.
>Drawing a circle in the air with your finger, you move it from boop-position to having your finger underneath her chin.
"YouuuUUUuuu should know your place, you horse."
>A waterfall of liquid flattens her her stylish velvet curls to her face.
>Behind her stand Pinkie emptying a bottle of lemonad over Rarity.
"Fwoosh!" says Pinkie.
Anonymous
c3c213e
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No.338202
338289
1630839802547.png
>>338200
Kek. I love aggressive booping. Good job, anon.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.338287
338288
So, to whom it may concern;

Ive been working on another episode of Ashes Town adventures, and I was wondering if anyone was interested/willing to read it and give me some feedback. Preferred: less emphasis on what is done well, and more emphasis on what needs improvement.
Im finished with the REALLY rough draft (comparable to my previously posted episode) but I'm re-drafting it to accomplish a variety of editorial and positional goals.
I just wanted to ask for objections before I dump a wall-of-text and demand accommodation.
Anonymous
423adbc
?
No.338288
338296
>>338287
>before I dump a wall-of-text and demand accommodation.
Walls-of-texts of stories are always welcome. No, need to ask permission, even if it was sweet of you.
Anonymous
423adbc
?
No.338289
>>338202
Thanks.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.338296
>>338288
Appreciated. Just displaying for *ahem* certain audience members how to not alienate the audience in advance. ^_~
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
418acdf
?
No.338380
338436 338560
>>338200
Assuming you're the same Sven I've written reviews for in the past, I remember mostly hammering you on ESL issues and dialogue, and this shows marked improvement in both areas. The language here is much less clunky, and the narration is easier to follow than what I've read from you in the past. The dialogue is much more expressive and natural. I actually remember noticing this with the last thing I saw you post as well (don't remember exactly what it was, and I don't think I commented, but I distinctly remember noticing that your English had improved).

That said, I notice you still have a couple of minor issues with verbs:
>I can only imagine how many mares wishes you were their special somepony.
How many mares wish you were their special somepony.
>Rarity's words echo in your head as your teeth grinds together.
Your teeth grind together.
>You slam your fist into the table and a symphony of scrambling porcelain go off.
A symphony goes off.

Also, this line:
>You grab a chocolate cake, smash it into your face, and start to just smear it over your face.
The word "face" is used twice in rapid succession; this kind of redundancy is usually not a good idea. Better to just say "You smash it into your face, and smear it all around" or something to that effect.

>"YouuuUUUuuu should know your place, you horse."
I like the double entendre here.

All in all, this is pretty good. Nice job.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
418acdf
?
No.338381
>>338200
Oh, one more thing: "lemonade" is misspelled.
Anonymous
6b60250
?
No.338436
>>338380
Wow, thanks for the review. Most appreciated.
>I remember mostly hammering you on ESL issues and dialogue
Yes, you did comment a lot about my ESL issues because they have always been a weak point of mine. I even feel bad about having you review some of the stuff I requested since I was so lazy and didn't proofread nor improved between the works I submitted to you.
I don't think you hammered me on dialogue, though, you have even given me props for naturally sounding dialogue on multiple occasions. Maybe your confusing it with something else? You have commented on my narration in the past on matters excluding ESL issues.
Also, my dialogue can certainly have improved as well, I'm not saying that's not possible, but I distinctly remember you giving my credit for my dialogue in the past.
Thanks, again.
Anonymous
c78b4d9
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No.338515
1302926.png
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-6HOdHEeosc
Anonymous
7ceeeeb
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No.338530
338531
>>336928
Anyponer have any advice for a writefag that hasn't written anything in a long time and is looking to get back into the swing of things?
Anonymous
c78b4d9
?
No.338531
338532
>>338530
Start writing. But first do yoy know what kind of writer you are?
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLSH_xM-KC3Zv-79sVZTTj-YA6IAqh8qeQ
Anonymous
7ceeeeb
?
No.338532
338560
>>338531
>But first do yoy know what kind of writer you are?
I'm not sure I understand.
Anonymous
5769b29
?
No.338560
338561
p5_NM69Aq-I_640x360.jpg
>>338380
>I remember mostly hammering you on ESL issues and dialogue
>ESL issues
Oh, heh heh
You're on for a busy day mate
>>338532
Guess you should take a look at the playlist if you have the time
ceeeeb
Anonymous
7ceeeeb
?
No.338561
>>338560
>Guess you should take a look at the playlist if you have the time
Definitely will, Gonna take awhile though.
Anonymous
c3c213e
?
No.338569
I want to join the book club if anyone sets it up.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.338677
338679 344375 346183 346963
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Many moons had passed since the incidents surrounding Anne #289. Adeline had found a serivceable niche in the commerce market and had carved out a sustainable situation for herself, having achieved a degree of autonomy from the standard vendors. Autonomy affords individual growth, and so she committed herself to developing her situation in Equestria for as long as she should find herself here. This Equestria, that is, which bears not the least resemblance to the Equestria she had heard of. That place was supposed to be nice. This one.... Anyway, the most recent biological pony subject Addy interacted with was 3000 something, causing her to decide to shift gears. The episodes that lead to this perspective shift are too short to di individually, so Ill micro compile them. For now, she has the means and the wont to take all the wayward ponies she finds, giving them a gun, filling their bellies, and setting them on course in the stable or under her own wing if they seem apt (none so far, though she gives free lessons for melee and cqb).
Im planning a periodic diary-esque section in between significant episodes, since the final narration will only describe the details of what happens, and will not display a bias toward the protagonist or any other character. Much of what is detailed in this foreword is to compensate for the hours of effort and detail that WILL go into explaining all these details through story rather than overt explanation.
In a/the finished product, I would not utilize an omniscient narrator, thats just lazy writing. Omniscient narrators are only acceptable when describing otherwise uncorrelated things, so that the nuance of how an apparently spontaneous effect is still possible, predictably; with exception, the protagonist is experiencing a stream of stimulus/context and responding sincerely to it. The waterfall at the end of Oh Brother Where Art Thou wouldnt have made sense without the omniscient narrator, mostly.
Tl;dr Addy's met alot of former 'subjects', bio experiments, slaves (sex and labor), and plain orphans. She prefers to get em safe, get em fed, get em armed, and if needs be, get em trained.

---

It had been a good day of scavenging. She hadn't done a tally, but she knew there were at least 3 dozen assorted fruits and who knows how many bags of caps she'd accumulated. More than a day's work and in just a few hours.
And so she found herself outside the Chipped Hoof, her red mane secured in a high ponytail for simplicity of looking clients and vendors in the eye; also better for killing, not that any of that was expected.
Her armored metal plates, crudely riveted and fastened to her uniform (its self basically a kevlar onesie, but more utilitarian) glistened not at all as she sat in the snow while perpetually smoking a cigarette; her eyes methodically shifting to maintain a her awareness of all the dozens of ponies assembled to either hawk or pick up (through purchase OR theft) goods and merchandise.
Her warm fillyfren sat silently at her side, adopting the alternate direction, side-spooning maneuver particularly popular amongst the fillies. All things considered, it had been a fine day and she was looking forward to relaxing and taking it easy the rest of the day. Until she noticed the approach of a fearful and VERY out-of-place filly.
It wasnt her age that pegged her as out of place, it was her clothes and her expression; a mix of fear and uncertainty you only see on ponies when theyve never been in the wasteland before. She wore a black bandanna and a violet jacket, but these looked clean and new, virtually spotless and untouched by the wasteland. She wasnt alone, in front of her was one of those obnoxious pony-droids being led by two ponies in black tactical gear, the lead of which had a 50mm cannon harnessed to him.
She kept an eye on them and observed the leader - a black-maned stallion is all that could be made of him - issue a series of instructions to the droid. He gestured toward the filly, who visibly diminished when his attention was on her, and crumpled in on herself in a display of absolute defeat. His instructions seemingly issued, he nodded to the other pony, a pink-maned mare so tac'd up that her body-color couldnt be determined. She nodded in response and they turned to head off toward the west (Addy's left). In their absence the robot and the filly,... just fucking stood there. For like a half an hour! Not a word nor sound was uttered between them, only the filly's eyes darted every possible direction, and occasionally looking adversarially at the robot.
Addy exhaled the last of her cigarette and wandered in the direction of the pair. They were fairly close, maybe 40' past a small fire some ponies had made to ward off the chill. Addy deposited her cigarette butt in the fire and sauntered over, about 10' from the pair, closer to the filly than the robot. Both had seen her walk over, but her body language and direction were deliberate to imply that her approach was not related to them.
She maintained this space for a bit, occasionally calling out some of her products (guns/ammo, melee weapons, medical supplies, and TP) and conversing with the occasional passers-by, but still the filly and the robot did nothing.
<Ay,... ay there miss? Scuse me miss? Can I ask ye a question?
Addy spoke to the filly, who went wide-eyed and rigid at the sound.
"Uhm... okay." The filly's discomfort was palatable, and the robot had not seemed to notice the start of the exchange. Addy leaned slightly closer.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
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No.338678
338680
Ah shit, my formats didnt take. Sorry.
Anonymous
8ce17a5
?
No.338679
342039 344242
>>338677
Will read tomorrow. Have very limited computer time due to circumstances these days.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.338680
>>338678
<Is everythin alright with ye? Are ye safe? Yer not in danger are ye?
She couldnt avoid making side-glances at the robot, and the filly caught on as she looked directly at the robot before turning back to respond.
"I... I don't... know," she stammered out, appearing on the verge of tears.
<Calm down lass. Do ye need a weapon? Ah kin give ye one fer defense. Is jus' a wee 9mm, but whatever ye're wrapped up in
is what she had been saying, except the robot had now noticed the exchange, its awareness seemingly drawn to the presence of the hoofgun.
"Possible threat detected" it droned emotionlessly, its optical sensors scanning her in a half-dozen ways.
"Leave this area at once." it again droned.
<Ah'll go whur a wunt, a when a wunt, mate
she said, flicking the remainder of a cigarette at the robot's head though narrowly missing. She then turned directly toward the filly and urged
<The gun, take it. Ah git the feelin yer gonna need it afore long
The robot however opened a large compartment on its flank and out sprung what to the naked eye appeared to be an RPG mounted to an armiture, that levelled on Addy with a distinct chunk as its servos locked on target.
"Preparing to fire. Subject is to get immediately behind this unit in 10 seconds."
The filly was the first to respond, literally leaping to motion and cowering behind the robot with her hooves over her head. Addy was the second to move running right up to the robot and placing her face in front of the unsent grenade.
<Go ahead mate, at this range its sure to make a mess of us both!
she challenged, subtly thinking to herself that her abilities would heal these wounds, and most assuredly disable the robot.
She wasnt so lucky however, and doubly so. The robot did not fire, thankfully, it held its position; from behind Addy however - unnoticed because of the exchange - came the sound of a very large cannon, specifically the 50mm she had seen earlier. Without flinching or turning her head, from her peripheral Addy could barely make out the pink-maned mare at her left flank, a laser pistol clenched in their mouth and pointed in her direction.
"Report!" that previously mentioned lead-pony barked from behind Addy.
"Unit stationed and functioning as ordered. Currently on standby engaging a hostile...
<Ah aint hostile!
... target attempting to sell weapons to the subject.
<An ah aint the one brandishin' explosive ordinance!
She suddenly sprung toward the ground to break their line of fire, and with a slight tumbling maneuver sprung toward the leader. Once upright, her head ducked quickly down and firmly clamped the head of a fragmentation grenade just inside her lapel. As she drew it out fully, she caught the ring with her right 'hoof' and pulled. Barely anyone had registered, and Addy was now positioned face to face with this leader-pony, only Addy had an active grenade in her mouth, and was the only thing preventing it from going off.
<Ah guess that puts us on equal footin' dunnit?
She slightly slurred as her mouth clutched the grenade.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.338682
Thats the 1st half of the episode, Im still working on the second half. The actual dialogue was much shorter, but was organic relative to a game interaction; reiterating and paraphrasing it more fitting for a full social interaction is more difficult than I had anticipated, without making glaring errors or compromising tone. For example, while in game Addy is a 'cowe' (since all characters are quadrupeds), but in the story she is a 1/2 minotaur (ala Iron Will). While she she has humanoid hands, she is a satyr abomination and can as readily walk upright as she can on all 4's. In order to avoid attention/notoriety, she wraps her hands so to more resemble the covered hooves that are the norm. But she only reveals her hands either to ponies she can trust (so shes cooking for them) or to ponies who arent going to survive the encounter (so she's cooking them).
These are all details that have played out in previous episodes, but which influence how this episode is being portrayed.
Anonymous
144068b
?
No.339491
339511
Four trails of sparks trailed after the hooves of a mare; her horseshoes glowed yellow as she slid across the cobblestone streets. The hem of her cloak pendulum swung over to the other side when she ground to a halt.

She had appeared around a street corner and stopped in between a demon and the family of ducks.

"Honk! Honk!" the duck quacked, which roughly translated into, "You cracka' ass almost hit me, mutchafucka'. You come in here driftin' but yo' ain't even got a lambo, genowhaahmsayin'?"

The pony did not understand and gently pushed, with her snout, the duck mom away. The mare wanted her to take her ducklings and go.

"Honk! Honk!" Or, "Don't grab mah asss, nigguha! You wan' me to beat yo' ass? Huh? Huh?"

This stubborn duck ain't moving, the mare thought before she turned towards the demon.

It was a jaguar the size of a house with Minotaur hands for front legs. The hairs in its fur disappeared in the blackness of it as if the creature didn't grow fur but void. It opened its maw and a chimney-sized python rolled out between the demon's fangs. "Sssss," came from the snake's air-sawing cloven tongue as its slit eyes focused on the mare.

"Now gooOO0oo!" the mare shouted.

"Honk. Honk. Honk!" A.K.A: "What'cha sayin'? I know you wa'mah swagger up in yo' crib, an'mah crew, biiiii-tch."

A quick glance back told the mare that the mother duck still hadn't moved to safety. The mare sighed and a tree crown of light grew from her horn in a flash. Mother duck and her family of ducklings re-hatched from eggs of magic light on the mare's back.

"Honk!" Or as it's known in the pond kingdom, "Ay ay ay, watch mah kiiids. I need 'em for breadcrumbs, foo!"
Anonymous
a670076
?
No.339511
339585
>>339491
The giant python pulled back its head and like an expert boxer, the mare could predict the future from this alone. With a red flash of her horn, the hem of her cloak rose into the air as if she was mountain-climbing and a gust blew right up from underneath her.

"Honk!" quacked the mother duck and she also said this, "Wow wow wow, what iz this woodoo crap muthafucker. Ain't gonna let no pony popo gonna lock me up."

The hems closed around the ducks like a daytime flower in the evening and with a knot of fabric on top, the ducks were safely boxed in.

"Quack! Honk!" Or, "Ay, wesa'ma rites muthafucka'? I know mah way to the court, I go there every day, what the fuck is theese? There ain't even bum-smellin' weed here, nigguha!"

The python pounced and the mare exploded into a cloud of red sparks. The python grimaced as it swallowed the fire but not from digging up the stones in the road and sending them skipping. The mare reappeared with a pop on the top of a rooftop.

"Honk!" Also, referred to as, "Wah happened? It felt like I was shot again. Sheeeeit, mah phd!"

The two heads of the beast turned towards the sounds. In a concerted effort, the pair swung the snake-tongue up into the air, and then it came crashing down like a whip. Again, the Mare disappeared in a cloud of particles as the snake's body karate chopped the building in two.

Stones lifted like balloons out of the road puzzle and drifted past the demon-beast. As the snake shook its head in an attempt to recover focus, the jaguar's eyes widen as it saw floating stones wrapped in a transparent, red veil. Its pupils darted downwards and found itself standing on a circle of glowing red lines. The jaguar-head twirled around and found the mare standing on the street again. When it saw the mare's horn, it growled and displayed teeth. It blazed with plasma; it shone, it burned, and it dripped liquid that both vaporized the ground and burnt it.
Anonymous
ac6a12d
?
No.339585
>>339511
The python coiled itself around a building and the jaguar part of the demon used its minotaur hands to grab a tree respectively a lamppost. The mare lowered her head. Sparks flew in arcs from her horn. A vein bulge appeared along her neck as she was struggling to pull her head up again. The duck mom quacked something as the cloth-pack, she and her ducklings wherein, lifted off. More stones followed; the mare's tail rose like a line; and all small, light objects in the area climbed upwards. Due to the dullness and blackness of the giant cat's hairs, it looked more like it burned with pitch-black flames rather than hairs being pulled.

The mare trusted up her horn and in phfff the magic around it dissipated. The demon's back legs were the first to go; they were pulled upwards by some invisible force. A small whirlwind danced around the demon, who remained anchored with his hands and serpent-tongue. The python's grip slipped and in the next moment, it flailed in the air as it pulled the jaguar's head backward. The next thing to go was the hand that held the lamppost. The tree groaned and creaked. Roots breached the ground and became branches. Crack. The demon rocketed into the air as one of its hands carried with it a whole tree.

The mare's gaze followed the demon as it became smaller and smaller. The magic in the area dispersed; her tail and cloak fell back down. When her fabric package fell down, it became undone.

"Honk. Honk!" A.K.A, "Shaniqua! Yo' assssssssssss."
Anonymous
97ba3f8
?
No.339862
339882
I feel like I know how to write but I always end up second-guessing myself. How do I end this vicious cycle Mlpol?
Anonymous
9f5a4f9
?
No.339882
339884 339895
>>339862
Literally just keep writing and don't stop, even if it's shit.
You can go back and edit shit content, but you can't fix what was never written.
Anonymous
97ba3f8
?
No.339884
339885 339887 339897
>>339882
Well, thanks for the advice but I've done that a few times and it never worked before. I need some way of feeling that I progress and that I also don't write shit.
Anonymous
97ba3f8
?
No.339885
339888
>>339884
>Shit
As in, I want to write something I feel has merits. That's probably why I stop writing things because I can't help but to think about how they seem to lose the point or thread.
Anonymous
37d1666
?
No.339887
339888 339895
2191240.png
>>339884
Well, why don't you select specific reasons as to why you feel your writing is shit and chip away them one piece at a time starting with the more fundamental issues? Rome wasn't built in a day.
I do this while writing new little stories and comparing them to my older trash. It seems to help just a little bit.
I'm having the same problem you are, but I'm not even an ESL fag.

I literally just want to write a silly, erotic shitpost story to annoy a certain subset of the fandom on fimfic. I think my biggest problem is that I only feel like writing when I'm drunk and want to shitpost while ruthlessly praising the virtues of my waifus, much to the chagrin of other spergs that take themselves way too seriously.
Anonymous
ac0474d
?
No.339888
339895
>>339887
This
Nice satan Id trips, btw
>>339885
So, practice with writing that 'doesnt' have merit. Consider taking a banal story and trying to make it interesting through expression. Pick a theme, something you know is boring and uninteresting, and then dial it up. Make that nonsense story/scene as exciting as you can.
Anonymous
97ba3f8
?
No.339895
339898 339900
>>339882
I appreciate the, 'keep at it' ideal, though, because I won't stop trying.
>>339887
>Rome wasn't built in a day.
And this idea about splitting the problem in to smaller pieces is also good. This makes me think about how I want to concretize my writing process. I really don't like writing something and then dropping it because I found that I either have nowhere to go or because it kinda feels pointless.

How does one plot a story? Because if I had a finished scheme to follow, I would always make progress. I haven't written one of those before. But I think that would be the way forward for me.
>>339888
>Make that nonsense story/scene as exciting as you can.
I don't think I can. It's hard for me to be spontaneously funny like that, idk, maybe it's just some insecurity that hinders me.
If I imagine myself following that advice, I see myself ending up describing the scenery and the characters of the scene in a serious manner and then either turning up the violence, lewdness, or quirky memes. Others on this site do this well and can make it feel fresh. I just kinda hate it when I do it. Also, I kinda feel like sex and edginess is a sign of a story with low substance but I understand that it's about the context in which you put these subject matters that matter, though.
Anonymous
9f5a4f9
?
No.339897
339902
>>339884
Writing is a grueling process, but the best answer is to continuously write and re-write.
Another helpful practice is reading. Read the works of other artists to expand your understanding of literary devices and even your vocabulary.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.339898
339902
>>339895
Literally, a scene with a protag doing the laundry could be expounded into a critique on the fundamental experience/existence of man, and made into a compelling dissertation.
But.
The likelyhood of setting out to write a protag-doing-laundry scene and elegantly transitioning from that into a critique on the fundamental experience/existence of man such that that's what the story is known for is... highly probable, keep at it.
Seriously, do keep at it, but dont kid yourself about it; a great story isnt happenstance or accidental. It takes practice and determination. At least, that seems to be how it goes.
Anonymous
645653f
?
No.339900
339902 345039
DcuhxqVXcAIBt_W.jpg
>>339895
>How does one plot a story? Because if I had a finished scheme to follow
>scheme
Do...do you mean like, a timeline of events and/or plotpoints or something? I mean, I...I don't pretend to know jackshit about this; everyone here already knows am full of shit. But I...I dunno honestly.

Too long of a shot...
Anonymous
97ba3f8
?
No.339902
339966
sunset-shimmer-twilight-sparkle-my-little-pony-sunny.jpg
>>339897
I'm grateful for the advice but I don't really like rewriting. It has worked out in the past but only if I feel enthusiastic enough about the text to rewrite it.
So I need to have something that I like to begin with. That's what I struggle to get.
>>339898
I been think about what you say here and the one I replied to above in this post said. It ties into the concept of that dicotomy of either you're a pantser (discovery writing) or plotter (arcitech writing) or whatever (or something in between) that I have seen been talked about before. I'm not sure if this makes sense or not but I do think that I'd like to plot a story before I write it for a change because I'm tired of feeling like I'm just writing random and pointless nonesense while finding my way out of a maze. Sometimes I manage to escape the maze and those times are the stories which I'm proud of.
>>339900
>Do...do you mean like, a timeline of events and/or plotpoints or something?
Yes. I searched for it on the internet, a go-to method I've gotten more into recently, and this is what I found, https://writersedit.com/fiction-writing/ultimate-guide-how-to-write-a-series/
>everyone here already knows am full of shit.
Well, you'll be surprised to learn then that I don't think you're full of shit. Just because your story has serious formatting issues doesn't mean that your ideas need to be bad. I do obviously keep in mind who said what but I also like to examine ideas in isolation from whose idea it is.
>Too long of a shot...
Wha.......? What... is it... that you're... trying to... communicate?
Anonymous
645653f
?
No.339966
339992
1572512466206.png
>>339902
I don't know why i didn't suggested you this, given that you are actually pretty good at executing a story. I guess it's because I wasn't aware of the dichotomy you mentioned.
Anyways, I genuinely think this might turn out pretty well for you, keep at it Svenstein!
>I don't think you're full of shit. Just because your story has serious formatting issues doesn't mean that your ideas need to be bad.
Oh, okay. It's just pretty easy for me to sound like an arrogant dick.
>Wha.......? What... is it... that you're... trying to... communicate?
Nevermind, it's not important.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.339988
339992 340005
Unrelated to Carlos' story, I found this video both compelling and insightful
https://youtu.be/whPnobbck9s
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.339989
340005
>George Orwell is one of the most celebrated writers of the twentieth century. Most loved and remembered for his fiction, he also produced an expansive array of essays, including "Politics and the English Language", which contains his advice regarding clarity in writing and speaking.

>Today's political and academic landscape is often accused of being rife with rambling unclarity, and this was something Orwell also perceived and lamented in his own time, making much of his advice on how to avoid this still relevant today.
Anonymous
be50d13
?
No.339992
339995 340005
>>339966
>given that you are pretty good at executing a story.
Thanks. I'm a bit curious what gave you that impression? Was it my latest "story" (even if it was more like an action scene without context)? In such a case, I'm glad you liked it. I'm pretty proud of it myself. When I wrote it, I thought about the list of advice on clear and impactful writing that I'd taken in lately (I might post them later). It's funny that Anon here: >>339988 mentioned clarity because that's a lot of what was trying to accomplish with my writing here.
>When it comes to how to write plots
I have been thinking about starting by summarizing the story into one sentence and from there kinda unpack it (Or develop it further).
Anonymous
be50d13
?
No.339994
Cool Story.png
I just found pic in the old thread. I didn't read it thoroughly enough to realize the punchline at the end. Pretty cool Anon who wrote this, if you're still here: Good job.
Though, I don't get the point with the name of the creature.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.339995
>>339992
>summarizing the story into one sentence and from there kinda unpack it
Cant support this idea enough. Consider it a mission/thesis statement. Doing so also helps to drive home the essential elements of the story while also emphasizing that anything NOT part of that sentence is optional or outright unnecessary.
Anonymous
645653f
?
No.340005
340017
1E7384336DB2819FB5C4CBC1E607462C-248240.png
>>339992
>I'm a bit curious what gave you that impression? Was it my latest "story" (even if it was more like an action scene without context)?
Your latest job is one such example, but i think you've had the touch since that earlier Revengeful-Shim greentext of the previous bread. which is kind of the greentext that got me started on Rainmetall. Yeah, you can either feel pride or cringe now

>>339988
>>339989
Ironic, given the fact I only started trying to learn english because the political discourse 'round here is 90% non-sense, and the rest good old mexican banter.
Anonymous
be50d13
?
No.340017
340106
Sunset sucha Rebel.jfif
>>340005
Well, then I feel proud.
I think Rainmetall is cool in concept, the formatting problems were the real problems. I have so far, then again, I haven't actually read your whole story, no problems with the plot of your story. It's good.
I wrote that piece because, while I never picked out an official best pony, I have obsessed over Sunset the most. Read endless series of fanfics on her and thought about writing stories about her myself. I especially like to think about the possibility of her and Cadance studying under Celestia at the same time. I can't help but wonder what kind of relationship the pair could have had.
Ooh, I just noticed that pic of a pillow-throwing Sunset is what I had attached in with that story.
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.340062
340063
Is he right? Is this what makes the women in Arcane so well-written, or is he just talking out of his ass?
https://youtu.be/hML-FGHGEN4
Anonymous
7ceeeeb
?
No.340063
340094
>>340062
https://www.wcofun.com/anime/arcane
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.340094
340130
>>340063
Thanks bro I was using KissAnime and a Kickass Torrents proxy to watch Arcane
I am NEVER giving netflix money
Anonymous
ae393b2
?
No.340106
sunset_shimmer___my_past_is_not_today_by_shinta_girl_d8o4j80-fullview.jpg
>>340017
>Well, then I feel proud.
>I think Rainmetall is cool in concept
Thanks, glad you feel that way.
>I haven't actually read your whole story
Don't worry, I struggle to fully read a fic unless am absolutely engaged with it.

>I wrote that piece because, while I never picked out an official best pony, I have obsessed over Sunset the most.
It was easy to figure that one out, waifu or not.
>I especially like to think about the possibility of her and Cadance studying under Celestia at the same time.
I remember you suggested the prompt before. It's a pretty neat idea. You can tell that's why Cadence is on Rainmetall

>I just noticed that pic of a pillow-throwing Sunset is what I had attached in with that story
Exactly.
Just keep workin' on it!
Anonymous
4f63717
?
No.340130
>>340094
No Problem.
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.341000
341025 341049
Do you think Fallout Equestria: Lionheart tries too hard to be adult in an inauthentic way?
At the time making the hero a male prostitute seemed like a good metaphor for how society fucks him.
But the hook with Twilight dragged people into an exciting chase with a character they already care for: Twilight Sparkle.
The audience has less reason than usual to care about OCs because this is not a new piece of media they suspended their disbelief for, this is fanfiction and they come into it with expectations they feel entitled to have fulfilled. Making the main heroine a literal clone of Twilight wasn't enough, I should have written an elderly Twilight on her deathbed sending a message through time to her past self to warn her of the future and get a young idealistic hopeful Twilight Sparkle who did nothing wrong to try and clean up every last mistake in Fallout Equestria.
Or divorced it entirely from FE and FIM so a story about humans being oppressed by libtards doesnt have to tie into nuclear pony retardity.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.341025
341049 341053
received_330875912223964.jpeg
>>341000
Legit criticism. It isnt that FoE:l tries too hard [...] its that all of your writing does. For instance, you simply cannot do 'subtlety' and yet you write as though you dont expect the reader to get that you were trying to be subtle.
For example, the method you use to apply 'flaws' to characters is basic. You dont include flaws because you want the character(s) to grow/develop, you include them because you have read/been-told that the characters are supposed to have flaws to overcome over the course of the story, but complicated flaws and development are really hard to write, so your mom lol. There is the faintest starlight glimmer of recognition of what MIGHT be a better storyline, but at the climax of execution you regularly resort to cheap tropes and out-of-context and/or irrelevant (read: lazy) memes and jokes that convey a subtle message of "I cant be arsed, because you're simply not worth the effort to do a better job".
Thats how your writing comes across.
And before you ask, no I DONT care to figure out what would be 'better', thats like asking what sound would be better than nails on a chalkboard; 'please god anything but more of that' is the general sentiment, though Im speaking purely from my experience.
Anonymous
fedd971
?
No.341049
341053 341147
>>341000
I agree with most of what he [ >>341025 ] says, I'm only hesitant on some stuff.
I'd say you're making the same flaw as Disney made for the Star Wars sequels: Focusing on fan service.
Yes, bronies like already established characters from fim but it's not like there is no market for ocs in the community. On another note but with a thin connection, you want to use Twilight to bait bronies into reading your story. This is the impression I get, anyway. There are two problems with this: You assume that after you hooked the bronies into your story, they will obviously like the none-Twilight parts of your story. The second thing, which is admittedly kinda cute, is that you think that Twilight just being in a story is enough for the bronies to read it. While people have faves and are more likely to read a story with them included, it's still only half the puzzle. The second part is to have something to combine the character with, like a premise.

I got an epiphany about my own issues today and it fits kinda with what your problem is. I'd advise focusing less on the appeal of your stories and more on not having flaws in whatever you write. So
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.341053
341074 341147
>>341049
Not only was Twilight in the story at first, she was running from rapists. For the sake of those with no idea who raiders are they announced "we are going to rape you" but I think I spelled that out too much for those who already know. I could have written her thinking "those sons of bitches got fluttershy" but that would turn away fluttershy fans. Anyway it was a great hook right until an overpowered guy showed up as a joke and they talked too much and I mocked Fallouts gameplay contrivances turned up to 11 in FE one too many times. I think that part ruined the hook. Suddenly Twilight was just a character in a book inside the book and that is too meta. Suddenly the story focuses on the writer of the book and how society fucks him but people just wanted to see Twilight find a healing potion for her horn and magically obliterate all rapists on her way to the designated chosen one destination.
>>341025
Having a low charisma character in Fallout is good for the meta because it means more points for more useful stats. I wasn't sure how else to show his poor social skills but saying your mom to a grieving man and making "i have to take a shit, bye" his idea of sweet talking his way out of a situation seemed like a good way to display that.
Anonymous
9f5a4f9
?
No.341074
341084
275353082_1563789900689000_5340635610055340145_n.png
>>341053
>meta
I kind of dislike presence of meta terminology in fiction, even that based on video games. It's often immersion-breaking, and hardly has any real significance that couldn't be better described through other literary devices, especially those numbers and power scaling terms aren't put in context. Even when they do have context, the reader of a work of fiction will hardly appreciate that raw stats of a story based on a game nearly as much as they'd appreciate vivid imagery that illustrates what happened without referring to stats.
>"His power level... It-It's OVER 9000!"
-doesn't always have the same dramatic effect.
I noticed that asian (japanese, chinese, korean) lite novels tend to do this a lot, especially crap mmo Isekais type ones. Instead of saying how high his charisma stat actually is, you should express his low charisma through his habits and mannerisms. Same goes for strong characters, as you should describe them physically or have them do feats of strength in both casual and dramatic circumstances.
Of course, creating a character with low charisma in reference to typical fallout characters might be appreciated by fallout players, but even if they have low charisma you should consider the impact on their behavior on the audience's perception of them if you want the readers to like the character. If you make them randomly edgy/dickish with little context, what could have been an endearing flaw could instead make your audience dislike a generic edgelord character.
A good way of expressing character's with low charisma would be to add some dramatic irony to the situation, usually by giving the reader direct insight into what the character is trying to communicate, through narration or internal monologue, and juxtaposing it with some graphic dialogue of the character spilling spagetti and failing to get the point across, preferably with some imagery of the character's tone of voice and visual's of either party's confused/offended expression, perhaps followed by some internal monologue or subtle narration of the low-Cha party mentally kicking themselves as they screw up. It has the opportunity to be comedic, relatable and cute, and decent for character development as characters are best developed through vivid description of their habits and mannerisms.
I've noticed teen novels like the Percy Jackson series tend to do this. Not saying those books are the best, but they do a decent job of illustrating autistic, ADD teenagers, which are an example of characters that I would consider "low charisma".

Pic unrelated, but I felt like posting anyway.
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.341084
341086
rabbet.png
>>341074
Spaghetti sperging up social situations sounds excellent! I'll have my character do that.
I was avoiding that specifically because I was afraid of ripping off too much from Legosi from Beastars, he had a lot of scenes where he deepthroated his own feet. Not in the gay furry porn way but you know what I mean. Scenes where he fucked up social interaction felt endearing. But he didn't copyright those, other male characters can be awkward like him. I should stop trying to change my work based on fears that it would be too much like one thing and not enough like another.
Anonymous
9f5a4f9
?
No.341086
341145 341160
>>341084
>I was avoiding that specifically because I was afraid of ripping off too much from Legosi from Beastars
Here's a tip for every form of writing: it's always been done before, and it will never be original. Legosi is far from the first spaghetti-spilling character. Instead of going out of your way to avoid cliches, focus on improving your descriptions and express your character's behavior in your own way.
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.341145
341146
>>341086
You're right!
I was also thinking... There are a lot of ways in which the enemy fucks whites over, and that takes ages to explain. Sometimes the issue spoke for itself like when some anti-natalist child-murdering creep walked over to the hero in a shirt proclaiming her love for abortion and talked at him about it. And sometimes I just paused the story to talk about an issue I wasn't sure how to fit into the story. I didn't even get to the part where Sparky goes on a date with "one of the good and less insane" liberal women and starts talking about his tragic backstory, only for her to become an overemotional unstable retard upon encountering evidence that her liberal policies hurt lives, because she was actually insane all along and there are no good ones and it was always about her feelings, never about really hurting people. I think my story might have had more political talk than story content. What even happened over the course of the chapters in the story, besides the guy going through an average day thinking about how much his life sucks? Maybe I should narrow my focus and pick one important issue rather than trying to tackle all of them.

I want the reader to root for the heroes and want the bad guys gone, but I got a few of my friends together and they got a few of their friends together, the whole group read this together a while ago and their reactions started out emotional before inching closer to "ALRIGHT, I GET IT!" each time something happened that felt repetitive like a scene where the villains did or said something bad. I mean, the villains literally gun down carnivore men, women, and children for attending the funeral for the oldest carnivore child. The left treats this funeral for a child they wanted unpersoned like they treat all unapproved protests they hate enough, only the left show up with drone strikes and bullets because that makes the process easier for the audience to understand. It seemed neater than having the hero walk past someone whose credit card suddenly doesn't work because he donated to the wrong political cause. Anyway at this point, my group of readers really wanted the hero to hulk out and start killing the enemy, saving lives, but that didn't happen. That seemed unsatisfying and I'm not sure how to get all my readers to hold on to that feeling until the hero finally starts striking blows against the enemy that matter, not when some get bored if there isn't an immediate gratifying moment of violent fantasy.

Maybe instead of showing up early to give the hero a business card before a day full of sadness, I should have covered that day in a montage. And then Twilight 2: Literally-Electric Boogaloo-Enthusiast should have blown something up while chased by murderous thugs, dragged him into a life or death chase/fight, and forced him into action. How many beloved movies start with the hero being forced into action, or better yet, forced into making a "Do the right thing or be a bystander faggot" decision that permanently robs him of the choice to go back to normal? Maybe that's the kind of breakneck pacing a novel needs if it's to get views and change minds.
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.341146
>>341145
>and her "liberalism" was always about her feelings, never about really helping people
fixed
Anonymous
8800eb7
?
No.341147
341158 341161
>>341053
I don't care for your reply.
>Not only was Twilight in the story at first, she was running from rapists. For the sake of those with no idea who raiders are they announced "we are going to rape you" but I think I spelled that out too much for those who already know. I could have written her thinking "those sons of bitches got fluttershy" but that would turn away fluttershy fans. Anyway it was a great hook right until an overpowered guy showed up as a joke and they talked too much and I mocked Fallouts gameplay contrivances turned up to 11 in FE one too many times. I think that part ruined the hook. Suddenly Twilight was just a character in a book inside the book and that is too meta. Suddenly the story focuses on the writer of the book and how society fucks him but people just wanted to see Twilight find a healing potion for her horn and magically obliterate all rapists on her way to the designated chosen one destination.
This is not a reply to my >>341049 They have the vaguest connection between them being Twilight and hooks but they are clearly not about the same thing. You essentially changed the topicOr at least, it's non-sequitur., which is also known as gaslighting. What I don't understand is why? I'm not harsh nor I'm I humiliating you; why would you deflect my criticism? Did you do it intentionally, or what?

Regardless, this is what I meant back in the last thread about reflecting. I don't feel like we're having a conversation, more like I'm saying something outside of your impenetrable head and after I'm finished, you continue your monologue of thoughts. Like I'm a traffic light for your thoughts.

Whatever, I suppose you don't want my opinion so you won't receive it.
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.341158
341160 341164
>>341147
I talked about something else I was thinking about because I wasn't sure what to say in response to what you said. I'm not some scheming galaxy brain mastermind out to fuck with you, I'm socially inept.
Anonymous
583658e
?
No.341160
1572656733169.png
>>341086
This is pretty good advice, I've faced the same issue before; and I've found that I'd rather put fun above originality. What good is it for an original concept, if its worse than every cliche? At least that was the case with some of my ideas
>>341158
>>>/ub/5278 →
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.341161
>>341147
Hey, I'm sorry I accidentally made you feel like you weren't being listened to. I know how frustrating that can be. I want to improve as a writer but I really have no idea what I'm doing when I write. I have a vague idea of the goal: I want people to understand it's wrong for society to abuse whites, kill kids, choose comfortable lies over uncomfortable truths, and generally be Jewish.

But society's so fucked up, I don't know where to begin. I'm reminded of the scrapped dark version of Zootopia where Nick seemed right to give up on a society comfortable with putting shock collars on the carnivores and Judy seemed irredeemable for being okay with that. Persona 4's "deep themes about reaching out to the truth" only amounted to a few high schoolers admitting they dislike X about themselves and their lives before either putting more effort into putting up with their sadness, realizing their life was actually great all along, or rarely, changing their personal lives for the better through effort. P5 abandoned that to pretend to be about society, only really saying "rape and theft and murder is bad". Wow, what a controversial thing for this megacorporate product to say about the society that purchased it and called it a masterpiece.

I don't think I have it in me to write a masterpiece. But I think I should try anyway.
Anonymous
8800eb7
?
No.341164
341203
>>341158
Okay, I guess. it just seems weird sense my post was that focusing on fanservice by adding Twilight into your story to lure in readers is a bad idea and your post is how your story focused less on Twilight. Like it partially follows but it also doesn't. I assume your saying that I'm wrong because Twilight actually wasn't enough in your story to charm bronies and that, rather my point that Twilight's inclusion doesn't guarantee reader engagement, is what failed to bring positive reception or whatever you felt you didn't get.

Whatever, I'm not mad. That you argue against me isn't the problem, because I can be wrong, but when you just start a monologue about something tangential, it seems pointless to even bother giving feedback in the first place.

In this case, due to your meandering writing style I didn't get what you were trying to say but now when I read more into your post it makes sense as a reply to mine, it just lacks directness. Phrases like, "I disagree. You're wrong and here's why..." would make the post more coherent.

Whatever, I've already forgotten about this but I think I'll hold off giving any more feedback to you. There are probably others here that can but I feel like we'll continue to step on each other's toes like this.
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.341203
>>341164
Wait, were you saying it was wrong to use Twilight as a hook? I thought the problem was that I used her as a hook incorrectly.
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.341242
341243
The group of readers complained that my story was too consistently dark and miserable for too many scenes in a row. How could I have included scenes of happiness and hope without ruining the focus on how evil the enemy is?
Anonymous
7bde406
?
No.341243
341479
>>341242
>How could I have included scenes of happiness and hope without ruining the focus on how evil the enemy is?
I've not read your story or know anything how it goes, so this is just a generic idea from a Dune book I read (House Harkonnen) and perhaps not possible to adapt to your story. But one way to break up a story is to tell two at the same time. Switching between stories from chapter to chapter. I am no writer so not sure how to do it in a good way and how to intermingle them in the end.
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.341479
341550
>>341243
Thanks bro, that could work.
Looking back I think tying all that political content to one location was a mistake. Too many political issues were shoved into a small space giving none room to breathe. And giving talking animals a society puts a layer of abstraction over societal commentary I wasn't sure how to handle.
Maybe if the heroes originated from a christian Vault the audience should root for, left it willingly to search for a McGuffin to save it, explored the shit world outside that had lost its way, taught the wasteland ponies the meaning of goodness, killed a ton of villains without ever seeming like Littlepip-tier bloodthirsty murderhobo gamers, and solved all the problems of a new town each week before moving on to the next? Eventually the heroes could find the McGuffin in a bunker full of jew griffons who caused the apocalypse and all the problems the heroes encountered on the way there, and kill the griffons to get the McGuffin and go home heroes.
Anonymous
d729743
?
No.341537
341550 341561
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ypOUn6rThM&ab_channel=GameMaker%27sToolkit
Have been thinking about stuff like this for a while now. Gonna try to make writing fun again for myself.
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.341550
341561 341591
>>341537
That sounds good! I am sure your writing will be excellent.
>>341479
What if the protagonist was a scrappy small self-loathing underdog immediately gifted two companions also from his vault, a hot mare love interest and gigachad, who did most of the combat for him with their sniper rifle and assault rifle respectively while he hated himself for barely being able to help at all in combat?

Then my story can appeal to those who want to see extremely attractive superheroes crushing evil, and scared brave self-loathing underdogs heroically struggling against it. The underdog nature of the hero can be preserved for as long as possible because he will be carried by his superior teammates built for two main pillars of Fallout, Speech and Combat respectively. Setting and lore is the third pillar, making the hero a historian researcher type represents that pillar and lets me justify loredumping about why this postwar settlement and that prewar town went to shit upon being pozzed. Choice is the fourth pillar and the hero represents that too because he makes choices for the party for some reason. Not sure why they wouldn't just put gigachad in charge. Perhaps scared heroboy's genes unlock doors important to the plot, and ammo caches meant for prewar soldiers. Maybe gigachad needs to learn niceness lessons from heroboy.

FE had a fake underdog protagonist gifted everything OP she could ever need and more, so she barely even noticed the contributions of her friends or getting or losing her alicorn-slaying minigun-toting suit of armour with less personality than the average killer robot. Fuck that character, he could have been a loyal soldier trust-the-plan type in love with the BOS until he is forced to confront the fact that it is no longer Applejack's BOS and hasn't been for over 60 years and serving the beast won't reform it. It's symbolic. But I want to recapture the feeling of being LOST in a big and deadly post apocalyptic hell world, lost and terrified at the enormity of it all, thinking back on yesterday's adventure and wondering if you did the right thing. LP murderhoboing felt routine, like she had beeb playing this game for thousands of hours. These heroes need to earn their happy ending, not have it handed to them after LP exploits Spike's fire breath to glitch herself into a cutscene trigger that bugs out the weather controller and rolls the end credits even though the six Elements Of Harmony haven't even been gathered yet.
Anonymous
9e8bcfd
?
No.341561
341573 341591
1572734558071.jpg
>>341537
Pretty interesting, thanks for sharing.
>>341550
Actually, it sounds like a pretty good character dynamic.
Just don't make another Takemichi, seriously; It's a pretty good example on how not to do it, imo.
>and lets me justify loredumping about why this postwar settlement and that prewar town went to shit upon being pozzed
You should try to avoid exposition in general. Find a way in which you can present the information in a smooth, organic way instead.
You don't have to bring everything up either; you can stick to the essential bits.
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.341573
341574 341575 341591
>>341561
That sounds good.
Do you think finding the diary of a villain/dead guy or some other random document is a good way to implement exposition dumps? I think it worked well in Yugioh when the heroes found Pegasus's diary explaining why he did what he did after it was over.
I'll watch Tokyo Revengers soon so I'll know who that is. With my character I was thinking I REALLY don't want to just write another Deku. His big moment that impressed All Might was, when all the pro heroes were standing around saying "Let's wait around for some superhero with the perfect power for this situation to help", running in like an idiot without any idea how to help. Sheer dumb luck bailed him out. The situation would have been far worse had he not been bailed out at the last second, and he would have amounted to nothing but a self-loathing suicidal sad sack if he hadn't been gifted the best power and set on a journey to gradually minimize its sole downside: the recoil damage. Sometimes I wonder how the show would have turned out if Izuku had been a gadget-using powerless type of hero, or maybe someone with a laughed-at seemingly-shit quirk. His suit's rabbit themed for no apparent reason, and making him a full-on rabbit guy would be unusual. But if he had to get All For One, I would have written Izuku to notice the slime villain recoiling from a burning chunk of wood, before yelling for the superheroes to exploit the fire weakness, only for them to not listen because "He's just some quirkless civilian, what does he know? We can't take that risk because he might be wrong!". He would be struck with that, right in his soul, setting up an inner conflict arc for later. But in the moment he decides even if nobody wants him to be a hero, he wants to be one and that's enough. He runs into danger, grabbing a long burning chunk of wood and plunging it right into the slime blob, making him scream and drop Bakugo, inspiring other heroes to also exploit the fire weakness, saving the day as an observant human doing what's risky because it's right. If the baddie can't be weak to fire because of bakugo's explosive attacks then it should be water from a burst water main/firetruck or some other element, maybe Izuku could grab an electric power cable and jam it in even though it nonlethally hurts all three of them and hurts the slimeblob the most. All Might enters the scene in time to swoop in only to find the problem solved, impressed at how Izuku actually helped. I'd sell Izuku as the smart observant hero first and foremost, not another generic tryhard shonen guy who keeps trying hard because deep down he knows his unfair advantages and determination are literally all it takes. Every single one of his fights should be solved with a smart trick and attempting to All For One punch the foe harder than last time should only ever screw him over for relying on the passed-down ancient old-news superpower that represents old shonens and an ancient way of thinking. Maybe there could be moments where he talks a villain down instead of using violence or realizes one's doing something right for a change and helps him out on the condition that he turn himself in when the adventure's over, making him an unconventional hero. Instead of being gifted All For One and then given training I'd make that a surprise gift at the end of a training sequence All Might intentionally set up to seem impossible and fruitless to test his determination. And instead of playing his crybaby nature for laughs only to immediately get over all his flaws during a fight and go back to crying waterfalls when it doesn't matter, I'd make his "hilarious personality quirk" of being used to life as a crybaby pushover into actual flaws to overcome. Too defensive and evasive, too unsure of himself, has to push himself to be aggressive and take risks and not let opportunities pass him by, has to learn how to make opportunities too.
Anonymous
c78b4d9
?
No.341574
>>341573
Don't dump exposition. That's the rule of thumb.
Anonymous
c78b4d9
?
No.341575
341592
>>341573
Information is a vital key and means of transport and also the looking glass into the hearts of characters.
Truth is rarely so completely isolated from everything else to only exist for itself, which granted it does do anyway, the information can be multilayered, connected inside and outside, spanning through time and space, hearts and minds.
>why he did what he did after it was over.
At that point the story is winding down, loose ends are being tied up.
The story has been told. It's over.
Certain people want to read certain things through a story. Walls of text disconnected with only surface level stuff sucks ass. Few are able to pull it off successfully.
By the point in time everything else is captivating, sometimes it has to be said and the question is when, where, why and how. Any error leads to disengagement, even the right place can be jarring.
Comedy Ab
Anonymous
c78b4d9
?
No.341581
Comedy Ab

A sharp man near angular in form arives at docking bay five of the new rocket ship yet to launch.
The foremen nears about to yell at the well dressed man till he catches sight.
The angular man grins a boyish charm "I so love boxes, and you?"
"Prefer the stars."
"But alas business first."
"Yeah, I haven't seen any of the bastards try crawling in yet, doesn't mean they haven't."
Nodding in agreement "doesn't mean they haven't. Wish they were different."
Conversation becomes whispered.
The clacking taps of boots on metal hide the scratching of movement below.
The fifth of his name had entered this gap through the emergency control in waste. A cut here and there and he is in.
The words spoken to him earlier that month still echo in his mind. About these creatures.
"Refusing us will be met with tragedy."
Skittering away quiet as can be. The cutting implement near silent does the job above and below according to the wielder.
It's already been more than a week in the largest craft the wild peoples made. Larger than even the ones selected. More quickly built as well.
Frustratingly even more robust. The cry near silent as the common man's tool unused.
"Yet. Yet!"
Harder to move and think, breathing more odd.
Next a bright white room with an angular man.
"Well eleventh time should do it. You've already admitted to everything and everyone has once again more proof of your evils. You have an hour to say anything more, for longer."
A paper slides showing confidential information.
"Time. I need time to recall."
All the man does is slide finger paints.
A digital clock.
A cardboard cutout of the man. Those kind foolish two eyes and a smile.
Then he leaves.
Anonymous
96b2768
?
No.341591
>>341550
>>341561
Thanks.

>>341573
Well, you can't say that my OP was unfair, can you? So if you put an anime rant behind spoilers, then it fits in the thread?
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.341592
341608
>>341575
You're right. Instead of saving the explanations for after the story is over they should factor into the story as it is being told, while the villain is still around to argue for what he's doing and the heroes are around to say "There must be a better way to x" or "She wouldn't want this" or whatever.
Anonymous
c78b4d9
?
No.341608
>>341592
No. Some stuff doesn't need to be said in the middle or beginning of the story.
>At that point the story is winding down, loose ends are being tied up.
Does the information tie up loose ends? If so when is it most appropriate?
>The story has been told. It's over.
Which means the cooling and winding down period. Because leaving the reader/audience hanging is usually a dick move.
Put the stuff in the most meaningful spot. It's highly contextual.
Anonymous
3ce887f
?
No.341982
>Be Anonymous.
"...I gave you a red deck because it has the simplest battle plan: Direct damage and attack. However, I want you to test the other colors so that can see which you have the most fun with and... Uhh, are you listening, Twilight?"
>Purple eyes travel in a line before they jump a peg down and repeat the process like a typewriter.
>The lavender unicorn levitates a deck's worth of cards and reads the text-box of one before she discards it to read another.
"Twilight? You listenin'?" you ask again.
>"Hm-mm." she says but she doesn't look your way.
>You feel a small ache in your cheeks as your smile stretches your face.
>You walk around, behind her, and read the card she's reading.
>The card's picture is almost literally ginger Shrek, running through a prairie.
>You place your pointer finger so it underlines a word written in bold on the card.
>It reads, 'Haste'.
"This means the creature can attack, on the same turn it was summoned."
>Twilight turns her head up towards you. "Don't they all?"
"No, there's a mechanic called, 'Summoning sickness' that means that creatures have to skip taking any action the turn that they were summoned on."
>There's a pause and then she speaks again.
>"Hm, so this is so you can attack before your opponent can prepare for your creature?"
>Your eyes get so lewdly slanted, they can be blinded by a string of dental floss.
"I guess they don't call you, Purplesmart "—You pop the 'P'."— for nothing."
>She shuts her eyes and smiles brightly at your compliment.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.342039
>>338679
Frenly reminder
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.342669
342761
If my work comes across as a one-sided rant rather than a genuine story, how do I fix that?
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.342761
342778
hqdefault.jpg
>>342669
You want to know what your problem is? Your problem is that you are constantly shitting out these huge texts that have many, many things wrong with them, to the point where there are few people with the patience to actually sit and read all of it, let alone analyze it and tell you where all the thousands of problems are. Then, you ask these really broad questions that are impossible to answer, and would probably net you very little practical advice even if anyone could answer and wanted to. You don't even listen to the advice you're given anyway; you literally just keep producing the same kinds of turds over and over, and asking the same stupid general questions about how you should go about polishing them.

>If my work comes across as a one-sided rant rather than a genuine story, how do I fix that?
How does one even respond to a question like this? Step one would probably be learning how to actually tell a genuine story, and then step two would be doing that instead of shitting out the kind of absolute garbage you usually write. Is that helpful advice? I'm assuming no, but there's not really any other answer to give you.

Someone at your skill level should not be attempting stories of the scale and complexity that you're attempting for the same reason that someone who can't draw shouldn't be attempting something on the scale of the Sistine Chapel ceiling. A novice artist should be learning basic things like anatomy and proportions, and testing out what they've learned in simple projects where it's possible to focus on one small thing at a time, and ask for focused feedback on the specific things being worked on. Likewise, you should be attempting short, simple pieces that focus on basic scenes involving one or two characters at a time, and that aren't trying to make some massively complex social or political statement. Try greentexting something short and simple, where it's actually possible for someone to give focused criticism and specific advice.

Here's something else to consider. In programming, there's a term called GIGO (Garbage In, Garbage Out). What it basically means is that regardless of the quality of an algorithm, bad input will generally produce bad output. In the same vein, if you want to produce higher quality writing, you may want to consider actually exposing yourself to some. Whenever you bring up something that inspired you or that you want to imitate, it's always some video game or some Shonen Jump anime or some cartoon written for ten year olds. Maybe it's a little hypocritical to be bringing this up on a site that is literally dedicated to a cartoon written for ten year olds, but you'll notice that most people here are also capable of discussing other things. MLP itself is not just influenced by other children's cartoons; Lauren Faust clearly had an extensive working knowledge of Western mythology and literature to draw from.

You want to learn how to write effective social and political commentary? Maybe try picking up Aldous Huxley or George Orwell or Michel Houellebecq and study how someone actually talented approaches the problems you're running into. People around here might take you a little more seriously if you could prove that you're capable of reading and understanding something that was actually written for an adult audience.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.342778
>>342761
10/10, theres so much to this post that Im not gonna
Anonymous
87ba7a1
?
No.344242
344291 344366
where_are_we__coconut_cream__by_foreverbunkey123_dbtjn88-fullview.jpg
>>338679
Y-you okay fren?...
Anonymous
7296b9b
?
No.344291
>>344242
Yes, thank you.
Anonymous
074f1da
?
No.344296
Characters with opinions make good stories, but opinions with characters make bad characters.

When I started writing Silver vs Glimmer as a way to flesh out their characters and beliefs it devolved into incoherence.

I thought trying to establish her as someone who genuinely thought she was doing the right thing at the time would make me hate her less, but my hatred for communism kept me from writing her as a character who could grow from being wrong. And Silver's conduct reflected poorly on himself and not-communism. The hero of political fables should be flawless once they learn the truth, any failings on the hero's part confuses the message. The communist goal is to gain the power to pretend you are a God, no matter the cost. The highest form of non victim in a mindset that fetishizes victimhood, the most protected all-powerful oppressive thing someone could possibly be: a mad tinpot dictator who thinks himself a God worthy of statues larger than churches. So if he's punishing her for her sins like some kind of deity after what amounted to a fistfight over politics, the allegory has failed. The goodie defeats the baddie because he has more power... that is a gay way to write. Even the stories that amount to that try to seem like more than that. They equate power with worthiness and purity or tie the weak underdog hero gaining power to defying fate.

If you see the villain punished at the end of the movie you walk away satisfied that the evil was defeated, that's why Zootopia didn't just stop with Bellweather, it focused on the racism within Judy that caused her to denounce all carnivores and laugh off Nick's disgust with her (at first). The hero didn't just magically defeat society's racism by trying hard enough, she found ways to compensate for her real deficiencies(jumping off ropes to hit harder), found good only she could do (saving rats), proved herself to those who thought little of her, and overcame the racism within herself. Whether you agree with the movie's take on racism or not, it handled the idea better than I handled "fuck communism" in that chapter. And while speciesism is at the core of Zootopia, the topic of politics and communism and some OC in a show full of them has nothing to do with the story of Twilight and Pinkie and Rainbow Dash and how they bring out the best in their first love.

I just shoved politics into my love story because I thought this, along with hoverboards and a hunt for magic macguffins, would make my story better. And that was gay.
Anonymous
d7265d0
?
No.344299
344367 344372
I just found this thread
It's been a long time since I write anything, especially for chans.
This is the last thing I wrote, no one interacted with the post so the story didn't go past that and I had nothing special planned for this.

>At the start of last year, on a camping trip, I got pushed into the endless pit.
>There was no warning, I had seen no signs, but my trekking buddy just went on and dispatched me.
>In retrospect, should have seen that coming.

>Adrenaline rushed through my veins, time slowed down...All that bullshit
> The last thing I saw was that shit-eaters smug as I fell down the pit
>All I felt was rage

>Maybe that's why I ended up where I am
>Maybe this is just my personal hell
>No matter the answer, I seem to be inside some mind-boggling, impossible office space
>All I see is corridors, with more of these fucking fluorescent lights
>More of these fucking yellow walls
>And this damned generic carpet

>What am I supposed to do now?

It's pretty uninspired but well, what do you guys think? Maybe I'll write up something for ya guys, since the internet as a whole seems like a big dumb boring brick lately.
Anonymous
e6364ea
?
No.344366
344372
>>344242
Yes, I feel pretty good. Spend a lot of time thinking nowadays. I really appreciate your concern though.
Anonymous
e6364ea
?
No.344367
344368
>>344299
Was it you who wrote that story about a man who cared too much about what others thought of him so he cut off his legs in his treehouse?

Yes, please do write something but no pressure to either.
Anonymous
5d91ea2
?
No.344368
344834
>>344367
This one?

>Once upon a time there was a man who lived in a treehouse.
>Everyday people passed by his treehouse and called him weird and mocked him for being so old and still living in a treehouse.
>So he took some wood and boarded up all the windows and doors so that nobody could look inside and see him in there.
>But even though they couldnt see him anymore, he still knew they thought he was weird.
>But he grew comfortable not needing to hear what he knew they all thought about him. And decided to never leave his treehouse.
>Eventually he ran out of food in there. But he realized that he would never need to use his arms while in here, which is where he would always be. So he ate them.
>Later when he got hungry again, he thought that hed much rather not have legs than go outside. So he ate those too.
>And when there was nothing else to eat, he felt how hungry he was getting and just how hungry he could get. And that compared to this, he did want to go outside again to get food.
>But the windows and doors were boarded up. And without arms or legs, he couldnt open them to leave.
>So he started yelling for help. Hoping to be heard by all the people that would normally be walking outside his house.
>But since he boarded up his windows and doors, people had stopped passing by his house. When they saw that they werent able to get to him anymore that he needed to grow up.
>But he couldn't see outside, and just assumed that they hated him so much like they always did that they didn't want to save him.
>The end.

No, i didn't write it, but i like it too, an anon wrote that story years ago and i saved it cause i liked it.
Anonymous
87ba7a1
?
No.344372
all_svens-itt.jpg
>>344366
That's good to hear. It's been a while, that's all.
>>344299
Will try to read this one later on.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.344375
344381 344382
d5gv0ti-90d8c1af-e56c-404b-bbb2-0a344059ba13.png
Pleasantly reiterating a request for a critical review of this >>338677
Anonymous
d8ae36c
?
No.344381
>>344375
Yeah, I saw it, sorry. I was hoping I could get around to it.
I think I put it off because it looks impenetrable and too complicated but I have nothing to base this one. Will try later.
Anonymous
d8ae36c
?
No.344382
344383 344385
>>344375
>In a/the finished product, I would not utilize an omniscient narrator, thats just lazy writing. Omniscient narrators are only acceptable when describing otherwise uncorrelated things, so that the nuance of how an apparently spontaneous effect is still possible, predictably; with exception, the protagonist is experiencing a stream of stimulus/context and responding sincerely to it.
I prefer to write in omniscient narration and think it's the best style to write in. Why do you dislike it and what does what you wrote mean here?
Anonymous
d8ae36c
?
No.344383
>>344382
I didn't get it.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.344385
344437
>>344382
What I meant by that is that in a completed work I wouldnt have to resort to statements like "many moons had passed since 'this thing'", as there would be indicators of days, weeks, etc. passing. Im utilizing it in this case to supplement the absence of content leading up to the depicted instance.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.344390
344437
To expound on this:
If writing a full story two options immediately present themselves. I could describe a day's worth of uneventful activities, or I could simply state that the next day(s) were uneventful. In a serious work, I would favor the former, as it would allow me to slip in any foreshadowy bits or setup for a later interaction. There's techn9cally nothing wrong with the 'nothing happened for many moons' approach, I just dont care for it as a reader.
Anonymous
b0967cc
?
No.344437
344444
>>344385
>>344390
I guess my writing is in the limited omniscient narration, or whatever it's called. Like, I don't like to summaries events so instead I try to show time progression with cuts and telling events.

For example: I don't say, "Her friends stayed until the evening." I cut the scene and start the next with: "The sun sunk past the horizon. A mountain of foam popped in the sink and plates dripped from the dish rack."
Anonymous
b0967cc
?
No.344444
344445
>>344437
But I usually only do this for flare. I realized that I convoluted my writing. Now, I focus on 90/10 on clarity respectively flare.
Anonymous
9f5a4f9
?
No.344445
>>344444
Checked
Anonymous
5be514e
?
No.344447
344448 344449
Would it be pointless to request a review for a short story intentionally written to be shit?
Anonymous
1f5dff8
?
No.344448
>>344447
Put it a different way.
>Hey. I wrote absolute shit, anyone want to review it?
Doea that sound enticing?
Anonymous
c8a7fda
?
No.344449
344498 344518
>>344447
Huh why would someone review something that even the author admits is shit?
I'm really curious, what are you thinking?
Anonymous
34fb90d
?
No.344498
344518
>>344449
I think he's trying to equate my usage of a draft and review system with "writing intentional shit"; the idea being that since this isnt a 'final draft' that its illegitimate. I'll admit theres a bit of reach on that one tho
Anonymous
da696aa
?
No.344516
344834
I've started to split up my writing practice into the technical parts of writing: Descriptions, pacing, and dialogue. I do this by writing down a movie that I already know from memory. I try to transcribe it into a novel. This way my inner ego doesn't get hung up on the story part of what I'm writing since it's not mine and I can focus on just the technical part of it.

For storytelling, I try to fantasize and simulate scenarios in my head. Maybe jot down some plot points and an overarching timeline.

But I have only just begun doing the first paragraph so far. We'll see.
Anonymous
dd75ff3
?
No.344518
344521
>>344498
I'm not a scheming 4D chess mastermind. I don't equate or suggest, I'm a simple straightforward guy.
>>344449
I just wrote a brief shitpost and was wondering if it would be worth asking for feedback.
On one hand it was written to be shit.
On the other hand maybe advice could help me write better shitposts in the future.

Also writing question for a good story
>be me
>write story where the opening chapter establishes the hero as a child, then a timeskip happens, then we meet him as an adult
>but the canon ponies dont show up until after the timeskip
>which might be at least 3 chapters

Would the average brony read about an OC for that long just to get to text featuring his favourite characters?
Is it worth showhorning filly Twilight into adventures before meeting her friends?
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.344520
This is Nigel
Anonymous
0464b1d
?
No.344521
344526
asd.png
>>344518
>Would the average brony read about an OC for that long just to get to text featuring his favourite characters?
No

Gosh negro 3 fucking chapters for a shitpost?

Dude be thankful someone lifts their ballshack and happens to read a single line of your post, let alone a whole paragraph that's intentionally written like shit.
Anonymous
dd75ff3
?
No.344526
>>344521
What the fuck
Anonymous
e47337a
?
No.344655
344666
I see the source of the confusion now.

https://ponepaste.org/7334
This is my short shitpost. It's shit on purpose.
It even starts with an unattributed quote barely associated with the subsequent story, because that's a gay thing bad writers do.

My other fimfic is in-progress and it starts with 3 chapters of OC focus before Twilight or any other canon characters show up.
I guess I could shoehorn some minor canon characters in there, maybe pander to bronies by including nameless background ponies using the names and headcanoned personalities+backstories invented by assorted brony forums.
Then again that last thing sounds gay.
A random appearance by filly Octavia or filly Twilight Sparkle would definitely work better, right?
Anonymous
923956b
?
No.344666
344686 344808
1359004900482.png
>>344655
With a lit joint in her mouth and skulls cracking under her hooves, Twilight sparkle made her way through the dark cemetery.
"Come back here you son of a bitch" She would exclaim engulfing a poor demon's ass in her devastating purple aura moments before releasing two raging buckleshots up the poor creature's anus.
Demon after demon, would fall as she made her way with a seemingly never-ending lust for guts and gore…

"Isn't this…A bit over the top?"
As if he was violently pulled from a perverted dream, the old, shabby gryphon narrating the story threw a puzzled look at the purple mare sitting in front of him.
"What- What do you mean? i was just getting started-"
The mare shook her head, as the gryphon's face contorted in pure defeat.
"I'm sorry…Charly was it? Look, i know we have been getting low ratings but 'never-ending lust for guts and gore'?" Twilight would gently laugh before leaning on the table, raising an eyebrow "You're joking, right?"
"L-look I'm just- T-the audience" The gryphon stuttered, stumbling on his own tongue as words refused to come out.
Gazing into his tearful eyes, Twilight stood up, pulling a card from her saddlebag.
"Look, Charly, i know you want a more 'mature' reboot and all but this isn't the way, alright?" She levitated the card closer to the gryphon, who held it with both hands like a hopeful kid.
"Give me a call when you get a better idea" Said the purple unicorn, making her way out of the room, leaving the gryphon behind as he slowly turned all of that sadness into pure, uncontrolled rage.

Two broken tables and numerous teacups later, the Gryphon called the number Twilight had left him, with the hopes of convincing her to reassess her decision. To his surprise, the number led to a certain party whom is known to despise the gryphons.
The two parties exchanged a few insults before the Gryphon said too much. In a panic, he ripped the telephone off the line and ran back to his room to prepare his luggage, but by then, it was already too late.

And so no one else ever heard of that gryphon again, and i know it was the truth because i was there, and hit that old geezer with my own hand, almost broke a knuckle! But damn he had good taste in alcohol, we got enough cider to fill a whole pool from his house!
Anonymous
5029e56
?
No.344686
344808 344834
>>344666
I like that. The social commentary about how 'mature' content is somehow less mature than mlp was in this day and age is something I have been thinking of before and this fic captured that for me.
Anonymous
e47337a
?
No.344808
344834 344887
>>344686
>>344666
Nice, I should have focused more on that theme in my shitpost.
The Griffon could get butthurt about nobody liking MlP: Murderous laughing Ponies (another title idea I almost went with)
But then
The ponies could say something mature and optimistic about loss and hope that shocks the cynical Griffon as he sees the wisdom in their words and the value in spreading optimism.

Watching beautiful movies with nature's beauty but no blatant obnoxious environmental message made me think "I wish I lived in a world that beautiful"
And it made me think, does a work have to spell out jew facts to awaken people or is it enough to get viewers to feel "I am glad the smart beautiful elf heroes saved their ethnostate in the trees from the child-eating evil Goblins"?
Can a work be subtle about its politics and hint at the truth to tell the truth better than any extended political rant disguised as a story?
Anonymous
87ba7a1
?
No.344834
344887
fan__limestone_pie_by_mauroz_dam61xh-pre.jpg
>>344368
Not bad, I think something a bit more elaborated with this concept would be pretty nice.
>>344516
>This way my inner ego doesn't get hung up on the story part of what I'm writing since it's not mine and I can focus on just the technical part of it.
That's...painfully relatable.
>>344686
So, am probably not the one to comment on this one. But yeah, people tend to associate edgy teenage violence, over the top actions and overblown reactions with mature content.
Which is a shame. After all, when there is essence, an appropriate display of violence is extremely effective. Not exactly necessary in order to write a master piece. But an author would be limiting himself by refraining, much like with the use of a difficult premise.
>>344808
>Can a work be subtle about its politics and hint at the truth to tell the truth better than any extended political rant disguised as a story?
yes
Anonymous
e1fd41f
?
No.344887
344888 344893
1543957818111-4.jpg
>>344834
>with mature content.
I think people just do that to market it to teenagers and pre-teens (Omilulz I'm so mature watching gore)
When actual mature content is more in the lines of
Movies: You were never really here, The lobster, Gummo
Manga: We did it, Punpun, Himizu

You might notice all of these deal with heavy topics.
Yeah, that's exactly the thing, it deals with complex emotions and stories most of them deal with trauma and sadness, in some of them the main character gives up and dies in others it is capable of overcoming these, in some there is no main character at all.
What they do have in common is the maturity, the light in which things are shed, death is not a sport, emotions are important, small things can have big repercusions in a story and it's characters and emotional maturity and immaturity is easily seen.

It is mature content because you need a certain maturity to consume it or else you might not understand it, find it boring or just get depressed over it without thinking about it's message. You need a certain maturity to understand it.
In the case of gore media, it is the opposite, you just need a certain maturity to watch it to understand that is dark humor and not socially acceptable, so you don't end up fapping to gore like some /b/ fags.

>>344808
If you're gonna write something, don't write something insanely big that just feels like a waste of time in the end.
Think of the "everybody walk the dinosaur" it was funny because it was annoying, because the story feels like a waste of time when you get to the end, yet it has a punchline, so it's not 100% underwhelming.
You end up feeling played, not like you wasted 15 minutes of your life.

>>344808
>"I am glad the smart beautiful elf heroes saved their ethnostate in the trees from the child-eating evil Goblins"?
Your post are fucking unreal my negro.
You manage to be as subtle as a brick to the nape.
Think a bit harder about it and maybe you can come up with something good, you can use this as an example if you want, it's some old story i wrote about aryanne
>https://pastebin.com/ScadiarE
It's not supposed to hit you in the nuts with "DA JOOZ EVIL" if i remember well, i wrote it trying to make your average normie sympathize with aryanne.
I do believe it must be full of grammatical errors and it must be a not so good story since i have improved, but still it's good enough to illustrate my point.
Anonymous
e1fd41f
?
No.344888
344889 344893
paste.png
>>344887
So, i tried to fix an error or two i spotted and
>pic related
Well, fuck me
Here's the greentext version, won't hurt no one to post it here:

>You've been a little filly for far too long
>Every time you try to help twi, she just laughs it off and tells you
"MaYbE WHeN yOu gRow uP"
>Hmph!
>Theres only one way to show 'em just how resourceful you can be
>You have to stop the next big villain before they even have the chance
>Eventually, a new villain does show up
>As always you aren't allowed to help
>This is how you ended up leaning against the door on the throne room, trying to make out words.
>Cant let her ... methods ...extreme
>Tia...less...problem
>White...zebras and....that happens...Now?
>This is getting nowhere
>You sigh and lay on the floor, arms wide to the sides
>How the hell are you supposed to help if you can't even make out what they are saying!
>Fine, you'll find out yourself!

>You asked around town for any malicious folk, all you got was some weird looks, some candy and an apple
>It wasn't so bad but seems like twilight got an ear of your shenanigans, cause now you're off to your room early, basically grounded.
>The nerve on that horse, you're probably older than her
>on the other hand, could be worse, you got the bed all for yourself and
>CRASH
>You jump out of bed, heart making some sick beats
>Something just crash-landed into your room
>And this time it's not rainbow-color and holding a mug of cider
>This pony is white, and wearing a trench coat
>Ow the edge
>She gets up seemingly unharmed by the broken crystal and looks up at you
>"You are anon-i-mouse, ja?"
>Your brain is too busy at the moment
>Who will take on the speaking duty now?
>OVARIES CAN
>Oh no
"You talking to me vanillaface?"
>"No, vith the hore that birthed you"
"Thankfully, till later, vanilla-face"
>"Vait!"
"What do you want, for fucks sake"
>"In vhich room can i find anoneh-mouss?"
"It's 'anonymous' you dumb horse, and you're looking at him"
>Oh
"Oh? What do you mean "Oh"? "
>"You look like a normal filly?"
"No shit!? I thought i looked like a toilet 'Cause im tired of your crap already"
>Aryanne laughs
>"Now, now"
>She pulls out something from under her trench coat
>You're no /k/ommando, but you recognize a pistol when you see one
>Your pupils retract as you instinctively take a step back
>Where the fuck did she even get a pistol from
>"Vhen i heerd of a horrible m...Affe, pony hybrid, i had to take matter on me own hooves, ja?"
"L-look"
>Damn, you're stuttering
>You take a breath and puff out your chest c
>Time to channel your inner ne*ggro
>You stand on two hooves, doing your best sassy black woman that needs nuffin' impression
"Yoo pullin' dat glock on ah, ya' biatch ass ni**a? ya' betta git yo sorry ass outta mah face 'fore ah bash ya' fuckin' hed in, ya feel?" >On a second thought maybe that wasnt such a good idea
>Aryanne inspects her pistol carefully
>"Ms. Anon, i'm not here to mordet you"
>Not anymore
>"I'm here to judge meinself"
"Judge? What do you mean judge?"
>"Let me tell you about the Gryphons..."

>Around 4 cakes later
>"And zat's why chicken cross zee road"
>Wow
"Wow"
>Aryanne nods proudly
>"No matter, think about it, little one, i'll come back tomorrow, we remove alpist, ja?"
>She chuckles and climbs back the hole she made when literally crashing in
>You sit on the bed, silence as your companion
>That talk gave you too much to think about
>Especially because you couldn't understand half the things she said

>Next day
"Twilight, can we talk?"
>"Anon, im really busy, can you wait a few-"
>She sees your serious expression, giving you an awkard smile
>"...I suppose i can spare a few minutes"
>One short walk to the kitchen later
"Twilight, are zig- Are zebras bad?"
>Twilight gives you a confused look
>"Of course not, anon. We've already addressed this back when zecora came into town, zebras look and act different because they come from a different culture. Like any other citizen of equestria, they deserve respect and a fair chance to live within our kind."
"What if they start mixing with the ponies and spreading their culture all over ours, what if they eventually replace us!?"
>You sound a bit more urgent than inteended
>Thankfuly Twilight chuckles at your panic
>"You've been reading equestrian history for once?"
>She gives you a doubtful look and continues
>"Anon, Zecora is only one, im certain we dont have to worry about her replacing us any time soon but if that were ever to be attempted, im sure we could come up with a solution"
>You dont really like that vague answer, but she does has a point.
"What about gryphons?"
>Twilight stares into nothingness for a few seconds, as if she remembered about leaving the stove on back home
>"Everyone deserves a fair chance." she says flatly.
>By the looks of it, she's thinking way more than just that, but doesn't says anything.
>You decide to not push it.

>Around 6 weeding cakes later
>It's sunset, and you're leaning against the balcony in your room.
>You have been thinking a lot about the whole issue
>Every pony is way too naive, they trust others way too much and as that white mare pointed out, this has led to some major catastrophes in Equestrian history.
>The tigerkin massacre, the mothpony invasion, the elephant's foot, rosemary's triangle...
>It just keeps happening because no one is there to do what must be done before it's too late
>But how can you ever agree to join this mare, by doing that you would betray everypony's trust
>You would betray Twilight, even if she was a shit-tier mom and forced you to put the toilet seat up like you put up with her crap
>She was still the closest thing you had for a mother
>You hear a weird sound coming from under the balcony
>You lean-in and see...
>Aryanne, wearing suction cups, climbing her way up
>She reaches the balcony and gives you a warm smile
>"Anon, lieben! Have you thought about it, ja?"
"Just shoot me"
Anonymous
e1fd41f
?
No.344889
>>344888
>Your bluntness wipes the smile off her face
>"vhat?"
>You shut your eyes tight, holding back whatever emotion wanting to overcome you.
"Shoot me, i've got no choice, i cant betray Twilight, i cant betray her friends and everyone else i know, i get it, i'm either an ally or a foe, so get this over with quick, i-i dont want to-."
>Aryanne shushs you with her hoof, her face cold and serious
>"Fräulein, we make sacrifices for our future -"
>You push away her hoof, tears on your eyes, you hide them burying your face on your hooves.
"No, no. I-i dont wanna leave them, i dont want to be your enemy i-i just wanna do the right thing"
>Filly sobs echo through the room
>You feel something press against your head
>Your whole body trembles as you shut your eyes tight, waiting for the blast
>Just a sharp pain and then it will be all over
>The smell of vanilla fills your nostrils, as you feel the thing moving downwards, accompanying your mane
>Wait what
>You raise your head and dry the tears away with your hoof
>Aryanne is petting you wearing a concerned expression
"W-wha?"
>"I should not have put so much pressure on you, mein kleiner"
>Aryanne's calmness and behavior takes you by surprise, you stare at her in confusion.
>She pulls closer, pushing your face against her chest.
>You instinctively comply, leaning against her soft fur. She does smells of vanilla.
>Closing your eyes, you can hear her heartbeat, the soft rhythm in company of her caresses, makes your whole body relax.
>You let out a breath you didn't even realize you were holding, suddenly you feel exposed, vulnerable, but at the same time warm and protected.
>You let the tears escape your eyes, all of those emotions deep inside you escape, and seemingly evaporate as they meet the warmth of your protector
>"Das tut mir leid, i should have explain, you dont have to choose, you already have ze weltanschauung within you"
>Aryanne stops petting you and holds your cheeks, raising your head a bit and looking into your eyes
>"I dont want you to betray, i want you to protect"
>You look away shyly
>"Can i trust you with this, little one?"
>You nod softly, she gives you a smile
>"Wunderbar! ponyville vill be most right on your hooves!"
>She snuggles you a bit and lets go, seemingly happy with the turn of events
>"I'll be leaning now, zehre are places in need to remember their gift-"
"Aryanne"
>You hold onto her hoof, interrupting her
>"Ja?"
"Can you hold me again?"
>She gives you the brightest smile
>"As long as you want"
Anonymous
87ba7a1
?
No.344893
344895
1519789917660.jpg
>>344887
Lol, that's just emo shit. Read Rainmetall if you want an actual mature story. or an aneurysm
>>344888
You may already know, but try ponepaste.org
Gotta ditch the sinking kike ship, Tripe 8.
Anonymous
e1fd41f
?
No.344895
344901
>>344893
>Read Rainmetall
I'll check it out anon, thanks
Maybe I'll give you my opinion on if after i read it
Anonymous
87ba7a1
?
No.344901
344903
aryanne_banana.png
>>344895
Uh-oh! shit! I-I was kidding, sorry anon.
Anonymous
e1fd41f
?
No.344903
Untitled.png
>>344901
>
It's oke anon, but ill check it out anyways
Anonymous
87ba7a1
?
No.345012
345014 345036
1433119017024.jpg
>>>/mlpol/345006 →
Goddammit! I am genuinely convinced that my story as an idea or concept is pretty darn good, it would be well received here, even. Given certain posts pointing out mistakes and otherwise dissatisfaction caused by other works.
But I suck so much ass in the technical department and my drawfag is way too busy to fully commit to the comic/manga project.
What do?
Anonymous
78dc9ba
?
No.345014
345016
>>345012
Post the ponepaste here and I'll look at it again.
Anonymous
78dc9ba
?
No.345016
345017
>>345014
The link that is.
Anonymous
87ba7a1
?
No.345017
345019
>>345016
Uh, haven't made any changes, if that's what you mean. cuz I need to be very specific with the artist. And don't worry, I'll fuck off to my own bread if I actually carry on with the comic

>Part 1
https://ponepaste.org/6273

>Part 2
https://ponepaste.org/6836

Password(only the second part): kaisereich117
Anonymous
78dc9ba
?
No.345019
345020
deviantart-nendo23-909966502.jpg
>>345017
No, post the link in the future or the thread. It would be nice to be able to cleanly follow up.
You don't need to worry. I'm not concerned about whether or not you made changes.
Anonymous
87ba7a1
?
No.345020
345021
fluttershy__element_of_kindness_by_maxwindy_d4se41t-fullview.jpg
>>345019
Oh, sounds great. Thanks anon.
Anonymous
78dc9ba
?
No.345021
345022 345023 345026
>>345020
"They're coming from the east! I repeat! They're coming from the east!" The call repeated throughout the base.

A legion of soldiers fled like ants swarming an anthill over an uneven field. In the middle of the upheaval, some soldiers have the presence of mind to destroy bridges, artillery pieces, supplies, and everything that could possibly be useful to the enemy.

”Kaiser should've never trusted that monster!” a sergeant shouted out in despair.

A croaking roar reached the sergeant's ears. He whips around and with bloodshot eyes, he stares at his private.

”We gotta run...” he whispers before they set the whole room of crates on fire and they bolt out of there.

As if the Ursa Major himself slashed the sky with his paws, dark smoke trails striped the sky but it's actually caused by projectiles as they fly by overhead.

”HQ! HQ! Do you copy? We're twenty to one! They breach sector barracked at sector four-sigma. WE CAN'T HOLD THEM!” a female official shouted into a radio mic.

She almost shoves it into her mouth as her eyes dart focus on her surrounding. Behind her, the rest of her platoon apply medical aid to engineers and workers but only the ones the severely injured. The attack from the flies had taken them by surprise.

A few tears run down her face. ”Please... HQ... We have civilians...”

I could write it like this for you. It would help me figure out my own writing problems while helping you. Would you like me to write it like this? I kinda do but that might not help you in what you want help with, perhaps?
Anonymous
78dc9ba
?
No.345022
>>345021
So.. I should have proofread. Grammar is off.
Anonymous
78dc9ba
?
No.345023
345027
>>345021
Actually, I'm gonna fix these grammar flaws now and send it again.
Anonymous
d413ffa
?
No.345026
345027
>>345021
>I could write it like this for you. It would help me figure out my own writing problems while helping you. Would you like me to write it like this? I kinda do but that might not help you in what you want help with, perhaps?
Well, it's only two chapters, and it'll likely prove useful to me. So, go ahead fren, I like the idea.
Anonymous
78dc9ba
?
No.345027
345028 345039
>>345023
"They're coming from the east! I repeat! They're coming from the east!" The call repeated throughout the base.

A legion of soldiers fled like ants swarming an anthill; they fled over an uneven field. In the middle of the upheaval, some soldiers had the presence of mind to destroy bridges, artillery pieces, supplies, and everything that could possibly be useful to the enemy.

”Kaiser should've never trusted that monster!” a sergeant shouted out in despair.

A croaking roar reached the sergeant's ears. He whipped around and with bloodshot eyes he stared at his private.

”We gotta run...” he whispered before they set the fuel soaked crates on fire and bolted out of there.

As if the Ursa Major himself slashed the sky with his paws, dark smoke trails striped the sky but they were actually caused by projectiles as they fly by overhead.

”HQ! HQ! Do you copy? We're twenty to one! They breach the barricade at sector four-sigma. WE CAN'T HOLD THEM!” a female official shouted into a radio mic.

She almost shoved it into her mouth as her eyes focused on her surrounding. Behind her, the rest of her platoon applied medical aid to engineers and workers but only the ones that were severely injured. The attack from the flies had taken them by surprise.

A few tears ran down her face. ”Please... HQ... We have civilians...”

It's funny, when I proofread, I get better results than when I send it through Grammarly. Not that it doesn't notice anything, it does, but this is way better this time.
>>345026
Good, then I'll do so.
Anonymous
78dc9ba
?
No.345028
>>345027
Then I notice more.
Like:
>...projectiles as they fly overhead...
*flew
Anonymous
e0d44b1
?
No.345036
345039 345045
gg.png
>>345012
Did you consider maybe you're focusing too much on the visuals, instead of thinking of it as a story?
I believe this would look pretty awesome in a comic, or animation but personally to start off with all this action going on and little explanation, and having it drag for so long kind of makes me lost as what is happening and why should i care.

Also i don't think using two "..." in the same paragraph is a good idea, the three points can be helpful sometimes but if you overuse them, it just feels like a cheap attempt at building suspense.

About you describing every single detail of the character, like this Sturmflügen on its first appearance...Is- Is it really that important that the reader knows exactly what the pone is wearing?
Look at how lovecraft (whom loved describing things) usually went about it, he usually described only key things and didn't bother describing other unimportant details.
First, i want you to see how he describes something important, the busdriver from The shadow over Innsmouth:
"When the driver came out of the store I looked at him more carefully and tried to determine the source of my evil impression. He was a thin, stoop-shouldered man not much under six feet tall, dressed in shabby blue civilian clothes and wearing a frayed grey golf cap. His age was perhaps thirty-five, but the odd, deep creases in the sides of his neck made him seem older when one did not study his dull, expressionless face. He had a narrow head, bulging, watery blue eyes that seemed never to wink, a flat nose, a receding forehead and chin, and singularly undeveloped ears. His long, thick lip and coarse-pored, greyish cheeks seemed almost beardless except for some sparse yellow hairs that straggled and curled in irregular patches; and in places the surface seemed queerly irregular, as if peeling from some cutaneous disease. His hands were large and heavily veined, and had a very unusual greyish-blue tinge. The fingers were strikingly short in proportion to the rest of the structure, and seemed to have a tendency to curl closely into the huge palm. As he walked toward the bus I observed his peculiarly shambling gait and saw that his feet were inordinately immense. The more I studied them the more I wondered how he could buy any shoes to fit them.
A certain greasiness about the fellow increased my dislike. He was evidently given to working or lounging around the fish docks, and carried with him much of their characteristic smell. Just what foreign blood was in him I could not even guess. His oddities certainly did not look Asiatic, Polynesian, Levantine, or negroid, yet I could see why the people found him alien. I myself would have thought of biological degeneration rather than alienage."

As you can see, he put a lot of emphasis on this man's look and his body language/how he handled himself, and not so much on his clothes.

But then, i did say he just ignored a few things, and he does indeed, look at how he describes Miss Anna Tilton, from the same novel, she is introduced as follows:
"The librarian gave me a note of introduction to the curator of the Society, a Miss Anna Tilton, who lived nearby, and after a brief explanation that ancient gentlewoman was kind enough to pilot me into the closed building, since the hour was not outrageously late."
Beep boop, done
Damn, that was fast, wasn't it? one second he's talking at the librarian and the next second he's already at the old lady's house asking for a tour around a certain place, no description at all apart from her name and her age, so we get a feel on how she might look.

I'd say i got a problem with the very opening of this, because it tells me almost nothing.
>"They're coming from the east! I repeat! They're coming from the east!"
You see, opening with this line, i really have no idea where i am, who is talking, who is coming, why should i care...
Reading that line does not make me curious about the book, in my case i can just imagine this is some sort of war and people are fighting, and to find out that is just the case is not very surprising either.

Since i got innsmouth open in the other tab, let me show you the first line from this book:
"During the winter of 1927–28 officials of the Federal government made a strange and secret investigation of certain conditions in the ancient Massachusetts seaport of Innsmouth."
Now, look at what this does: It sets up the date and season
The winter of 1927
It gives us a subject to focus on
28 officials of the Federal government
It tells us what they are doing
made a strange and secret investigation of certain conditions
It tells us where they are doing it
in the ancient Massachusetts seaport of Innsmouth.

Damn boy, that's a fucking lot of information being conveyed in just one line, ain't it?
Yes, but he didn't tell us why were the government officials conducting a secret investigation, this pokes the curiosity, and that's the point since in this book we follow the story of a character trying to find out exactly what is wrong with this "innsmouth" place he has heard about.

Now, let's put your story through the same filter:
""They're coming from the east! I repeat! They're coming from the east!""
"Soldiers were fleeing in their thousands across the uneven open terrain, as the enemy closes in, the soldiers destroy everything behind them as they retreat, bridges and artillery pieces were blown off while ammo and supply caches were set on fire."

Who?
Soldiers...A thousand? (??)
What?
Fleeing!
Where
Across the uneven open terrain? (??)

-As the enemy closes in, blablabla

Yeah
Can you see the problem here?
Anonymous
87ba7a1
?
No.345039
345042 345049
CFBC0B9363C39836AFC3BAB153CD8C98-81296.jpg
>>345027
>Good, then I'll do so.
Btw, this is what I was getting at here. >>339900
>>345036
>Did you consider maybe you're focusing too much on the visuals, instead of thinking of it as a story?
Hmm, am not so sure about this one. But you're right, I should've been a lot more concise about it. Some anons felt like the visual descriptions were lacking but that was later on.
>I believe this would look pretty awesome in a comic, or animation but personally to start off with all this action going on and little explanation, and having it drag for so long kind of makes me lost as what is happening and why should i care.
>Yes, but he didn't tell us why were the government officials conducting a secret investigation, this pokes the curiosity, and that's the point.
I did wanted to be vague about some stuff to fuel curiosity, but it seems like I've failed at that. Or the means I used weren't exactly the best for the task.
>on its first appearance
Yeah...it was probably too much in one go.
>Also i don't think using two "..." in the same paragraph is a good idea.
Oh, feel free to point that out, but I've been made aware about the three dot spam that chokes both chapters. I really hope I didn't just discourage you now.

Also, I really appreciate you taking the time to give it a read, as with anyone.
But I am particularly interested in your take, you being Spanish speaker and all; it'll probably make everything easier to grasp. Or worse, a good chunk of my grammatical fuck-ups are also fuck-ups in Spanish
Anonymous
5be9c9c
?
No.345042
345082
>>345039
>Some anons felt like the visual descriptions were lacking but that was later on.
I mean, it is your writing style and some authors have weird writing styles that, somehow, manage to work, but it's just that thing I pointed out: Reading this makes me feel like it's supposed to be /seen/ and not read.
It reminds me a lot about reading a movie script, they tend to be really descriptive of the explosions and actions, maybe even a DnD log.
When it comes to novels, I can't remember the last time I read something that focused so much in visual details and actions, like your opening and fight scenes.

>But I am particularly interested in your take, you being Spanish speaker and all; it'll probably make everything easier to grasp.
I really have no idea how that's supposed to help haha
I was planning on finishing it today but the lights went out, I'll resume reading it soon enough.
Anonymous
94cfb18
?
No.345045
>>345036
Man, the shadow over Innsmouth is my favorite Lovecraft story.
Anonymous
5be9c9c
?
No.345049
345082
1498569144034-1.png
>>345039
I like how the second part is written, maybe because it's closer to what i'm used to when it comes to prose.
Honestly, now that i understand a bit more of what is going on, i find it very interesting.
Worldbuilding-wise, this is a very interesting story, and i see you like to focus a lot on the political tensions between all the powers, that is also quite nice.

If anything, i still get the feeling this is written like a movie script, i'm not sure if that's good or bad yet because the way animated media works and novels work are usually quite different, but hey i managed to read it all and didn't have an aneurysm, so it should be fine.

If anything some parts are written in a weird way, i guess those are the main troubles it runs into, like the opening of the story, the way it shows you this huge battle first and then tells you what is happening...
You know, i actually have read -part- of a book that starts telling you something important without much explanation, and it was a good novel.
Let me show you how it starts, it's called Echo City:

"As it left the city, the thing did not once look back. It
walked with heavy steps, looked forward with rheumy eyes,
and its misted breath soon dispersed in the air. It did not
look back, because its purpose was ahead, and large though
this thing was, its brain was small and simple, its reason for
being very precise. It moved away from the world and out
into the Bonelands, and it would never return."


You can apply the same What, Who, When, Where, Why questions to this if you feel like it, but yeah that's the opening of the book.
No explanation, no nothing, we jump right into some "thing" leaving the city without looking back, you can see this leaves more questions than answers, but at the same time, the information we can get from this paragraph and the ones that follow is that this world is a very hostile place.
So, why is Echo City opening engaging? Because it hints at worldbuilding at every step, it leaves us with questions which it promises to answer and- despite it's lack of an exact description- it's quite visually rich, as the reader can clearly picture the bonelands in their mind, just by hearing the general descriptions the author gives and how the creature starts to crumble apart as it makes it's way through the bonelands.

It is fine to start something with an unrelated scene that's important to set the tone or hint at the worldbuilding, or explain something very important that we yet do not comprehend.
But doing so can be tricky, if done in the wrong way, you might just make the reader feel lost and if the reader feels lost or does not care about what is happening, he or she will most likely drop the piece before it gets to the important part.

It's also important not to drag a piece for way longer than it is welcomed, gosh some authors just love the sound of the keys typing and they end up writing a 160 pages novel on something that could very well be resolved in 80-100 pages. (Like some novel i read a few days ago, it was called The Collector, i have a lot of things to say about it but i wont)

I think you will do well nonny, i see a lot of potential in your story, i hope you keep practicing because i know you can write-up something very interesting.
Anonymous
87ba7a1
?
No.345082
d94uicf-d4e00982-f40c-46b4-b9cc-d345362fec0b.jpg
>>345042
>>345049
Sorry for the late reply, it was a busy day I didn't expected.

>Honestly, now that i understand a bit more of what is going on, i find it very interesting.
>Worldbuilding-wise, this is a very interesting story, and i see you like to focus a lot on the political tensions between all the powers, that is also quite nice.
Thanks, is relieving to hear you had an easier time following the story. And am glad you were able to enjoy it to some degree.
>If anything, i still get the feeling this is written like a movie script, i'm not sure if that's good or bad yet because the way animated media works and novels work are usually quite different.
You are right, and this is no justification, but I honestly started writing this with the comic in mind.

>You know, i actually have read -part- of a book that starts telling you something important without much explanation, and it was a good novel.Let me show you how it starts, it's called Echo City...It is fine to start something with an unrelated scene that's important to set the tone or hint at the worldbuilding, or explain something very important that we yet do not comprehend.
>But doing so can be tricky, if done in the wrong way, you might just make the reader feel lost and if the reader feels lost or does not care about what is happening, he or she will most likely drop the piece before it gets to the important part.
Alright, this is honestly stellar. Thanks a lot anon, I'll come back to this post when I work on my re-write.
>It's also important not to drag a piece for way longer than it is welcomed.
Yeah, don't worry I'll rather be as brief as possible due to time constraints.
>I mean, it is your writing style and some authors have weird writing styles that, somehow, manage to work.
I think I was wrong there. The other anon did suggested a bit more detail but it does align more with this:
<"As you can see, he put a lot of emphasis on this man's look and his body language/how he handled himself, and not so much on his clothes."
As he did mentioned body language. So, in case you're lurkin' nearby, sorry anon.

>I really have no idea how that's supposed to help haha
Well, I dunno if it had something to do with it, but you've managed to follow the story a lot better than anyone else. not their fault
>I think you will do well nonny, i see a lot of potential in your story, i hope you keep practicing because i know you can write-up something very interesting.
Thanks mate, I really appreciate your time and effort reading and providing feedback. You were quick, clear, concise and provided more than pertinent examples along the way. I wish I could have given back an equal reply.
Thanks a lot again, all in all, am glad I made that joke.
Anonymous
e47337a
?
No.345236
345239
Found something brilliantly written but it's not pony fanfiction

https://archiveofourown.org/works/22043224?view_full_work=true

I didn't think I would read it all but the story sucked me in. Felt like time wasn't even passing as I read it. It even made me feel emotions! And it had some great scenes with characters I didn't even like in the original, they turned out better here.

Is this what good writing looks like? The descriptions of the world seem superb and the author has a great grasp of the characters. I'd call parts of it too edgy if the level of violence and darkness present wasn't typical for the story's inspiration or lesser in comparison. In however much of this you want to read, what is there to analyze?
Anonymous
b51cf0a
?
No.345239
345241
>>345236
I'll read it soon enough and tell you, but i must inquire, if it is good writing what you're striving for, why not read a real book to use as example, instead of fanfiction?
Anonymous
e47337a
?
No.345241
>>345239
I have been reading real books, this fic was recommended to me by somebody else.
Anonymous
e47337a
?
No.345335
What easily understood evil shit can an invading SJW army from SJWland do to the hero's hometown and its people?

It has to be something understandable for general audiences new to politics, because in this piece of media I'm only taking politics as far as "SJWs are bad because liberalism doesn't work". No jew or WW2 stuff. Once people move to sites where they can talk about SJWs, they eventually watch videos about that stuff anyway, learning of the jewish origins of marxism and the marxist origins of SJWism.
Anonymous
e47337a
?
No.345337
Btw would it be accurate to say the core idea of Doom x Animal Crossing is better than the core idea of Fallout Equestria because it embraces the contrast instead of mixing it?

Where DxAC has fun with the contrast between cutesy animal cartoon friendliness and hyperviolent demon slaying fun, making Isabelle enjoy demon slaying as a vacation from work and putting doomguy on the island to enjoy peaceful activities or engage in peaceful activities hyperviolently, Fallout Equestria squanders what makes both distinct properties interesting by blending them into one miserable setting where the Mane Six's intellectual and moral failings allow Ziggers to ruin everything and create a boringly homogenous world of bleak edgelordery.

Everyone's favourite Doom and AC characters can have something to do in the crossover, but in FE the backstory of FE ruins and kills off its versions of the canon characters. If your favourite character in FIM is mortal and didn't die during Fallout Equestria, he or she probably died of old age over 200 years without magic/cryogenics getting involved.

And where Doom Eternal has fun shredding ontologically evil demons who deserve worse than anything any player or modder or writer can do to them, Fallout Equestria's edgy so it tries making ontologically evil monsters out of cutesy cartoon ponies. Even though Fallout already has monsters like RadScorpions and Deathclaws. Raiders(tm) and Slavers(tm) just run around raiding and slaving for no reason like MMO mobs until armed characters show up to kill them and effortlessly automatically establish a liberal democracy where Pure Evil aka any alternative to it (that's how the author sees politics) used to be.

Fluttershy shooting evil edgy ponies over ideology is tragic. Fluttershy putting down brain damaged Feral Ghouls is tragic(and a competent author would have focused on that tragedy when writing them instead of making their melee swipes detonate cars).

Some OC from a Fallout Vault/Stable born 200 years the world got nuked is completely divorced from FIM's setting even if the author says she had Moon Dancer as an ancestor alive 200 years ago. But Fluttershy shooting Doom Eternal demons is fun, like Isabelle shooting demons. But if a FIM x Doom story takes itself too seriously and gives the cartoon critters Battle Saddles and makes Doom's events into a bad future for FIM, that ruins the fun by eliminating what makes FIM unique, right?
Anonymous
b67a2c8
?
No.345463
345464 345465 345466
Watched Avatar (blue people film) with my girl recently.
Starting to think my current story would be more effective and far shorter and therefore better if there were no libtard enemies invading and ruining the fantasy world, and the story is instead an isekai coming of age story where a failed woman redoes life in a better traditional world and grows into a good woman free from the influences that corrupted her long ago.
No invading orcnigger barbarian army imported by child-eating goblins who need to be overthrown. No complicated politics. Just a good woman who wants to do good for the people who raised her right.
Anonymous
76d2921
?
No.345464
>>345463
>Watched Avatar (blue people film) with my girl recently.
No you didn’t
Anonymous
87ba7a1
?
No.345465
>>345463
>Blue people film

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YsfFJarMeJk
Anonymous
e5c2bc8
?
No.345466
1648048616946.gif
>>345463
>pretending to have a girlfriend to impress anons on /mlpol/
Anonymous
b67a2c8
?
No.345467
Knew I shouldn't have brought her up. If you want to believe she's imaginary that's fine.
Is Mongrels any good or is it shit?
Anonymous
bdade16
?
No.346182
346226
Braveheart seems like an effective propaganda film. Starts with the assertion that anyone who contradicts this version of events is trying to defend the English, who are portrayed as pure evil in this film to a historically inaccurate degree. Ends with the hero tortured and killed, because ending tales with a happy ending resolves the conflict and makes you feel like things are okay, but ending the story in tragedy makes you walk away wanting the wrong righted. Seems like that's how propaganda should be written... right? I'm still so new at all of this.

Showed my shit old Fallout Equestria fic to an apolitical writer friend, someone with no context for FIM, Fallout, Fallout Equestria, or modern politics. He hated the story, called its pacing glacial and its protagonist unbearably miserable. Hated the way I tried weaving technobabble into the story by making the hero a tech worker, he said I should have just shortened the technobabble and turned it into ads heard during a train ride before giving the hero a manual labour job where he's whipped down the mines, or some other cartoonish job that's immediately understandable as "slave labour" in the average viewer's mind. Also he hated how the hero doesn't get a "pet the dog" scene where he takes a tiny risk to do the right thing and succeeds. I thought making the hero unable to do the right thing under the sheeple regime was the point, but I always could have slipped in the hero helping some funeral attendees escape the slaughter.

He also hated that the heroes are competent and not incompetent, and he hated that the heroes are strong predatory animals controlled by a system ruled by herbivorous sheeple puppeteered by the rich, because he thought it would be better if the heroes were cute cuddly mammals and the villains were villainous "Nazi Eagle supermacists" who eat little kittens alive. "Or at the very least, villainous Lion monarchists who eat little kittens alive".

But changing that changes the story. The heroes are supposed to be people who would be great in a better system. Good-hearted geniuses and athletes denied opportunities gifted to the grass gobblers. Maybe adding more heroes to Team Hero would make that theme clearer. More people from all sorts of walks of life who could be great if not for the regime screwing them.

But I liked his "Give the hero a loved one, the villains take her away to be raped by the mad king of evil, the hero is forced to join the Resistance and violently overthrow the villains to save what he really cares about" suggestion. Even though I think giving the hero a personal motive to oppose the villains like revenge or saving a loved one detracts from any ideological or moral drive to change things. It makes me wonder if some fictional heroes would do the right thing if not forced to, when circumstances force the hero to do the right thing.

Perhaps the hero could have a cute little sister, a soft hearted sweetheart who wouldn't hurt a fly or lift a paw to defend herself, and the villains arrest her and put her in a gulag on bullshit charges(expressing sympathy for her own people?) so the hero has to save her from the rapist in charge by freeing all political dissidents present, who reunite with the Resistance and fight the tyranny of sheep. Perhaps the pedo in charge of the gulag could be the corrupt tyrannical evil Queen President's son.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.346183
346226
>>338677
<83 days an countin. Ah tried appealin to the folks on the radio, but all Ah get is static. Are all these ponies I hear over the comms just recordings?
Seriously, I think Ive been exceedingly patient thus far. And its not like Im asking for a review of War and Peace, this could take minutes,....
Anonymous
8345109
?
No.346226
346256 346461
>>346183
I suppose, that if I say I'll try to get to this today, you won't believe me? Well, that's how it will go down, if it's going down. Wanted to show that I'm not ignoring you though.

>>346182
>I'm still so new at all of this.
I don't think so. I think, you should have more confidence in yourself. You do have a good understanding of storytelling, you just have problems filtering yourself (aka pacing, red-thread).
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.346256
>>346226
You're right, I should be more confident.
Something makes this tricky...
Media out there demonizes us good guys, but if media wants to demonize the bad guys it just has to tell the truth about them. And there is not much of that. Sometimes media tells the truth about the enemy accidentally in an attempt to lie about reality, even if it's in the form of apolitically lying about reality through a fantasy story. Sometimes hook nosed greedy goblins run the banks and the author thinks nothing of it until the jew cries about it. The enemy wildly bludgeons us with simplistic lies until they stick in the heads of retards. But trying to explain the ways the enemy hurts us in a way the audience can understand is tricky.
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.346257
Furthermore, it's one thing to write about a character born into a world full of tragedy and oppression. But how can I put the appeal of escapist fantasy into these stories, and make these stories less overwhelmingly miserable? Giving the hero the means to fight back and win, toppling dictators with the power of holy magical laserbeams and AR-15s? That's a fantasy, not a fantasy story.

But the "Other world" or Isekai genre, where a human is sent to a fantasy world to live there or save it or try to return home... It's inherently escapist. Whether the guy sent in is a generic bland everyman blank slate or a detailed character with opinions and worldviews shaped by facts and past experiences, no guides to writing a fantasy world spell out how to fill your story with truth. The real truth, which the jews censor. And when magic is inherently a lie, how can you work it into a story to make it a fantasy story?

Can i still depict trannies as a bunch of mentally ill clowns who glue wings to their arms and leap off buildings because groomers told them this will turn them into real birds, if the story starts with a deity of fantasy land teleporting a human named Tim into fantasy land as a bird man? How can a book say "fantasies won't let you fly" when the book itself is a fantasy? How can your work be Christian when it relies on unchristian bullshit to happen in the first place? Can a female protagonist be the ideal tomboy gf while rejecting feminist propaganda and "muh strong wamen" bullshit, or does the fact that she's actively shaping her destiny and shooting orcish niggers instead of staying home baking pies for her chad husband while he's out shooting niggers make her less than the ideal trad submissive wife? Are Isekai protagonists technically illegal immigrants?

There are plenty of guides on shoehorning bullshit wokism into your story, making it artificially diverse-looking yet entirely black and white in its morality despite all the moral-relativist pretension. Guides on depicting whites as cowardly weak irrational hateful morons for not loving diversity. Guides on keeping your work in line with current SocJus propaganda. Guides on "understanding and accurately depicting" things the average calartsfag has never interacted with except the guides are full of propaganda and misinformation and demonization. Guides on making your villains morally reprehensible and unappealing to the audience, just in case you're afraid of idiot readers fantasizing about joining team rocket and having fun instead of taking away what you want them to take away from the story(the villains are bad). A site I used to use as a valuable source for writing advice long ago went full retard years ago and has been on a downward spiral since, recently it posted this idiocy https://springhole.net/other/story-of-a-former-conservative-conspiracy-believer.htm and I'll never understand why so many smug libtard midwits feel the need to make up tragic origin stories for themselves where they used to be Christian. Am I expected to believe they failed to meet a single Christian growing up who was not what Jewish Hollywood says Christians are? Am I expected to believe they all had the exact same upbringing? They all grew up in a very Christian place supposedly before moving to some woke shithole, getting lovebombed and gaslit and shamed and patterned and dogtrained and demoralized and groomed until they see the world and even themselves and their own past through a distorted ideological lens, but they never have anything to say about islamic terrorism or the levels of violence because they're so busy obsessing over inane Dollself Sanskin Sherlocksexual Genderqueer faggotry they can't see any evidence that the white christians were right all along.
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.346308
346312
Seems trying to put the totality of modern politics into a story overwhelms the story.
Could something further removed from earth, like medieval fantasy countries at war using swords and wizards, be fertile ground for a series of stories embodying one redpill each?
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.346312
346314
>>346308
It's not an issue of setting, it's an issue of trying to say too many complicated things at once within the same story. Even if you're dealing with large macro problems, a single protagonist isn't going to be directly affected by all of it. Try focusing on how these macro problems affect your character's life directly, instead of focusing on the macro problems themselves. What direct problems is this character facing and how do those problems relate to the issues affecting the world at large?

Your character also needs a goal. The goal needs to make sense for his situation and be attainable. "Saving the entire world from child-raping Hebrew bankers while also waking up the normies and restructuring the world economy" is probably not an attainable goal for anyone, so maybe focus on something smaller and more tailored to his situation. Maybe he's trying to pay off his house after falling victim to some predatory lending scam. Maybe his daughter is being brainwashed into a drug-addicted thot by rapacious Muslims and he's trying to win her back. Maybe both of those things are going on simultaneously and he's dealing with both.

You can have multiple goals/problems for a protagonist if you want, the key is that they need to relate to him specifically and be things that he could reasonably deal with. In your specific case, I'd actually advise against giving your character multiple goals, and would say that you should just focus on a short, simple story about a character trying to solve a single problem, since you have a tendency to get pulled off the rails when your ideas become too complex. The main idea though is to not get bogged down in the complexity of the world's problems on a macro-scale; you want to focus on your character's situation and on what affects him directly, and tailor the character's goals and problems to fit that situation.
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.346314
346323
>>346312
How's this?
>be sad guy protagonist neet
>be working in dead end entry level job with shit female bosses and co workers
>struggle to afford rent even with 3 male roommates
>each is some flavour of cucked beta male with unproductive obsessions
>one's watching tv show that foreshadows problem
>phone is called
>his sister had a child and doesnt want to take care of it plus the father was killed by isislamic explosion on the subway
>protagonist must take care of a child now
>the men put away childish things and learn the joy of being fathers/uncles
>protagonist's sister is awful until she gives up "muh strong independent actress waitress" bullshit and goes home to be a mother
>neighbour makes an incest joke and protagonist's roommates call the neighbour an unfunny faggot, protagonist is shocked as he is not used to men sticking up for him
>many chapters intended to make the audience love this adorable child later, muslims try to kidnap the kid for an occult jewish ritual so the hero murders them and gets his kid back
>at first he goes in thinking he can sneak in undetected and get out undetected but when spotted it's kill or be killed so it's technically not premeditated murder I guess
>and they all lived happily ever after
>except the dead jew muslims
Anonymous
be57da6
?
No.346323
346338
>>346314
Not bad. I think the father getting exploded by terrorists is a bit much, and the kidnapping/spy infiltration angle feels a little out of left field. Also, "Jew Muslim" is a bit of an oxymoron. Other than that though, not a bad idea; I could see this working as a story.
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.346338
>>346323
Thanks, thought the birth father had to die to justify the neet hero being promoted to parent. Guess the birth father could be a deadbeat who flees, but muslims doing it sets them up as evil for later. Could do a scene where a girl the dead father was important to cries "muh poor muslims, muh islamophobia, what if this makes people dislike them" while his warm flesh chunks are still being picked out of her hair and other peoples hair. And the hero thinks "wow, they're still the center of your universe even now".
Still not sure about the ending... I want something involving necessary and righteous physical violence against pedophiles to save a kidnapped baby in mortal peril. A climax the audience should cheer for.
Could always give the neet hero a friend to do the violence for him. Or the heroic men could do it together. Perhaps a small army could form as everyone whose life hero neet touched and improved wants to help.
But it would still fundamentally be a story about several men raising a child and eventually saving it. Not much universal appeal.

How could modern politics work in a generic fantasy setting? They're more universally appealing. But part of the appeal seems to be how it's so divorced from reality. Wise good kings rule fairly and never cause famines or suffering due to corrupt advisors, magic items provide power only the worthy can wield, some people shoot fireballs from their hands yet they'll only turn evil if demons seduce them into it, interventionist gods exist, dragons are rideable, monster girls are fuckable, evil wizards make skeleton armies because they're cunts who want the world dead, and fantasy swords work better than normal ones. Where's the room for realist morals like "fuck libtards" or "six gorillion was a mathematical impossibility" or "race is more important than noble families and thrones and crowns"?
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.346413
>write bland vanilla protagonist with more intetesting friend
>rewrite more interesting character to be the lead
>find myself writing the new protag as a blander vanilla character on the grounds that "the lead hero can't think something that controversial or do something if he's not 100% morally in the right, or he might turn away readers"
Is this a common thing for new writers?
Anonymous
9b9cf99
?
No.346461
346479
>>346226
>I say I'll try to get to this today
How bizarre that I was so confident that it would happened and then it didn't.
Oh, well any day now. I'm sure.
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.346477
346480
image.png
Not sure how many people here are familiar with Chatoyance's "ID - That Indestructible Something" but I have to ask...

Would the story actually improve if it was changed to revolve around Gregoria's character growth and an inverse of what Kafka's Metamorphosis seems to be?

The way it is now, the story's weird.
Gregoria's a loser jobless human girl who mooches off her cunt parents and abandoned a friend in need for being "too clingy" after her lover died, but she turns into a FIM pony one day, except most humans can't notice she's a MLPFIM pony.
The friend she abandoned helps her, and they start to wonder if Equestria's real and why this horse transformation happened.
Gregoria realizes she used to be a shit friend.
Malus Crown is a rich Apple-obsessed human digging up and looking at Kafka's corpse for some reason.
Many words later Malus turns out to be Steve Jobs and he's gathering all sorts of transformed animal people together because he's just sooo nice, also reality's a simulation and the deaths of some "Code Holders" can rewrite its past, present, and future spontaneously. Gregoria's friend's lover was a military guy and Code Holder and his death triggered pony transformations and made Gregoria's friend into Celestia.
Half of a secret govt organization wanted to prove this to the other, the other half is convinced reality's real and nonhumans need to be exploited evilly. The new Celestia got killed repeatedly by the govt villains to try and "prove" this world's a simulation or something, this mindbreaks her.
Oh and some character we weren't properly introduced to sacrificed himself to save people. Can't have Gregoria make that sacrifice to prove how she's grown as a person during this story.
In the end Gregoria and many others get to live with Steve Jobs in another country, having left America. Gregoria seemingly learned nothing and gets to mooch off another man, just as she once mooched off her parents. Sure she's a nicer friend but the story seems like it became a missed opportunity the second the author got distracted by the concept of reality being a simulation the deaths of important people can retcon.

Kafka's Metamorphosis is about a guy others relied on suddenly turning into a cockroach, forcing him to rely on those who once relied on him and hate him now. Losing the magic angle and saying the guy relied on got disabled after a drunk driver injured him wouldn't radically transform the story's events. If the true point of the story is "Cockroaches only love you if they can rely on you, and hate you if you're lowered to their level" this story about an awful human turning into a better pony was in a unique position to reject that idea and counterargue that just as negative transformations can ruin the lives of good people, beneficial transformation can turn bad humans into better people and help them bring out the best in those around them. It really seemed like Gregoria's story was going to be about this pony growing and helping others and turning her life around for the better(maybe even becoming her own boss, finding work in a field ponies are better at than humans, helping the friend who lost her lover get over this, proving to her parents she really does have value, and eventually rejecting the evil Malus Crown's offer. He could say to give up her free will and ability to help others, offering to take her his mansion to be looked after like a pet in his indoor home zoo next to his Puppy Room, but she would prove she has learned the value of self-sufficiency and ponyness by saying no, and then he might fuck off miserably or a chase sequence or fight might ensue, maybe the typical "hidden animal buddy roadtrip on the run from the law" cliches could ensue) before everything started revolving around Malus and conspiracies and setting up the Not-Matrix-Verse, ideas so inherently huge and dehumanizing individual characters seem pointless in the grand scheme of things.

At any point in Gregoria's life, and at any point after she perishes, any Code Holder's death could retcon the reality lived by the ones and zeroes in the Not Matrix's artificial reality. Nobody's real in this setting to themselves or each other and nothing interesting and philosophical is done with these big ideas every character seems eager to forget about. Anything anyone could accomplish today could be undone tomorrow, retconned out of reality thanks to the death of some random Star Trek-obsessed NEET causing a buffer overflow that replaces much of reality with Wookiepedia's garbage data about Glup Shitto.

This story could have included philosophical pondering about whether artificial reality matters even if no true reality is confirmed to exist or not exist outside it. Or dropped the concept entirely and focused on people embodying big ideas. I think a story that says "Pony makes you better" would have worked better than this ejaculation of random matrixesque troll physics headcanons meant to set up a "Shared fanfiction universe" so broad and open-ended literally any story in this setting could be written outside it without any changes because all that makes a story part of this "shared universe" is that it takes place in this story's specific definition of simulated reality. Writing in more interesting universes will give you characters and worlds full of history and worldbuilding, but this "shared universe" could contain anything and be anything at any moment, which means it's effectively nothing.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.346479
>>346461
Relax Sven, Im only picking on you because Im not going to do any damage. I do appreciate and anticipate your reception, but Im also running low on cheeky ways to non-disruptively(?) beg for input.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.346480
346486
>>346477
Meanwhile
>pic related
What kind of beta cuck are you? EVERYWHERE I PISS is the bathroom
Having said
>I dont know if anyobe relates, but heres 3 pages about a niche thing I just gotta blog about
Never change, anon
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.346486
>>346480
Knew I should have TLDRd.
TLDR story starts focusing on Gregoria the pony only to get distracted by a squirrel in the form of a dumb idea.
Would story be improved if it focused entirely on Gregoria and doing something interesting with Kafka's Metamorphosis like writing a counterargument to it in story form, or would that just make it different and no inherently better or worse than what ID Indestructible Dsomething ended up being?

On an unrelated note it pisses me off that it's ID Indestructible Something instead of ID Indestructible Destiny. DmC: Devil May Cry was a stupid title but it would be stupider if it was DMC: Devils Die Alone. That doesn't fit the acronym at all.
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.346547
Also the Mongrels story seems to be written well after all.
There's a bit where (huge spoiler) Louis fights an evil dogman and uses fake shit to win. Fake idiocy where he pretends his plan begins and ends at charging head first like a retard when it was really to detatch his fake horns and ram his fake foot down the mutt's throat. The moment where the dog's surprised the other horn is also fake was stupid but acceptable. Louis even pisses the dog off by revealing he was raised to be livestock, shocking the dog who thought he and his organization members were the only people alive with tragic pasts or something, and he would know this if his organization wasn't full of cringe nihilist suicidal edgefags. The dog almost wins anyway despite all that trickery, crawling like a dying mad animal, but he sees himself reflected in Louis's fuckhuge eyes and that breaks him, which was foreshadowed earlier. A lazy writer would probably make Louis a generic invincible quipping bang shooty guy with one liners. But that wouldn't be true to the character. Louis is not invincible and this author knows how to make that work.
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.346924
346929
writing books be like.jpg
>when you want to write books without degeneracy and books where your ideology wins and purges degeneracy from degenerate worlds but envisioning a world without gravity would be easier than envisioning a world without the degeneracy you saw from day one
what do?
Anonymous
cdd5841
?
No.346929
346966
my_lit12.jpg
>>346924
>what do?
1- Gravity doesn't exist
2- A world without degeneracy is totally possible, if the toll is paid
3- Begin preparations for to purge this realm.
Anonymous
9da281e
?
No.346963
346964
>>338677
So I read it. It stopped when it got intresting if you want my opinion. Otherwise, I neither loved it nor disliked it. It was hard to read through.
This is my honest take, however, make note that this is also a subjective take and nothing more.
I like your mc though.
Anonymous
dd3ca88
?
No.346964
>>346963
>It stopped when it got interesting
Apologies, I was sparing myself of continuing the narration until someone expressed an interest in it.
My biggest concern is with prose/narration, and my concern is how it comes across to the audience. Like, there are alot of little mentions both in the prelude and during the scene which are nods/references to prior events that might need more illustration, bu also for which 'this' instance is not the appropriate time, in story.
Does not knowing the reference hurt the marration? Like, are they the sort of reference that piques curiosity of what Im referencing, or is it more the aort of reference that makes you wanna punch me for being less comprehensive?
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.346966
346974
>>346929
Thank you but that's not what I meant. I need to see more depictions of degeneracy-free worlds if I'm ever going to write one well enough to get the audience attached to it. Can you recommend media with any good depictions of places without authoritarian jewish libtard dictators or degeneracy?
My local church is pozzed libtardism without any real christians present, so they're no help.
Anonymous
8df9516
?
No.346974
346975
>>346966
> I need to see more depictions of degeneracy-free worlds if I'm ever going to write one well
So, you need more so you can copy them?
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.346975
>>346974
I wouldn't copy them directly, I'd take inspiration from them.
Anonymous
ecbf7c7
?
No.347167
347209
6390432.png
6382322.png
>Be Fair Star.
>Dressed in your pink and fluffy bathrobe you saunter downstairs.
>At the dining table you see a young stallion eating a sandwich with apple slices on it.
>His coat is silver and his spikey blonde mane obscures his face as he hunches over something on the table.
"Watch you reading, cousin?" you call over to him.
>He jerks and looks up.
>You finally see the open book on the table, confirming your suspicions.
>He looks at you with a hint of annoyance.
>He almost seems to hesitate in showing you the book but then push it towards you.
>As you get closer, you recognice it instantly.
"Ooh, my book. Wanna learn blinkers' art? You don't need to read a book for that. I can teach you, you know?" you say as you walk over to the fridge.
>You take out a bottle of orange juice and start drinking.
>"Well, I'm not sure if I'm gonna commit to it yet but I thought I might try to incorporate into my Appleloosa bar brawl style." the stallion says.
>You start to laugh mid-drink and have to struggle as not to spill any as you choke on it.
>You manage after some unladylike coughs and shallowing to avert a spilling crisis.
"Wait, heh heh. You're gonna... You bar fight, Silver?"
>Silver didn't seem amused.
>"It's a martial arts style. It has bar in it's name because it was developed from bar fights. It's like most earth pony martial arts, with a lot of hindleg bucks, but mixes in some more front hoof kicks." He seemed to relax. "But if you don't know that, it does sounds a bit stranger doesn't it? But it's an actual martial art."
>During the time Silver had held a speech and explained the nature of earth pony martial arts, you had managed to unpack your breakfast on the opposite side of the table.
>You have your bottle of juice, your bowl of salad, and knäckebröd (which is good for your digestion).
>"Once, I and my lil' bro Braebrun along with other pony cowboys to fend of cattle rustlers. I've been thinking of incorporating with teleportation before I saw even heard of unicorns' blinkers' arts..."
>Fair Star gave Silver warm smile something she knew he would miss.
>She went back to eating her breakfast again.
>While she ate, she was only listening with one ear Silver continued his monologue.
>Ever since her cousin had moved in to live with you and well your dad, his uncle, in Canterlot you had started to get to know him more.
>You'd never meet up until that point.
>Silver's mother, Fallen Star, had broken off with the family years ago and had started a family with an earth pony farmer in Appleloosa.
>Dad had said that your aunt hated magic but you always got the gut feeling he wasn't telling you everything.
>Anyway, you didn't know the details, but Silver had somehow gotten in contact with dad and asked to stay here while studying magic in Canterlot.
>So these days, you ended up spending a lot of time with the cousin you had always known about but never meet.
>And you had noticed that when he felt strongly for something he would get very passionately into it.
>You smiled to yourself as Silver started to compare martial arts style between pegasi, unicorns, and earth ponies.
>You started bleping at him; no reaction.
>His clearly not even talking to you anymore.
>You shake your head but decide that least he gets it out of his system as you starts to answer his sentences with, "Mm-uhmm," between crunching on some salad's leaves.
Anonymous
68435c3
?
No.347209
347211
6459223.png
>>347167
>Be Silver Apple but Fair and Nav, your uncle, only seem to regard you as a star more than an apple.
>Guess that's to be expect, that's how your related afterall but there's just something about their tenacity on calling reminding you of being star that feels like they are trying to say something more with it.
>Not sure what though, it's clear that both of them are very proud of being unicorns, their noble status, and their family legacy but what they're trying to tell you is a bit lost on you.
>Not sure if they are trying to welcome your or insult you.
>You lean towards the former because both of them seem like nice ponies.
Anonymous
68435c3
?
No.347211
347227
>>347209
So he takes the hint when it comes to them using his other last name but not when it comes to Fair Star not really listening? Yeah, seems like an inconsistency to me as well.
While I'mbeing meta, I'd just say that this a short-story where I intend to write off some ideas I had with Nigel's oc Silver Star. After all the time in the past we spent talking about him, it's only natural that I been thinking on what to do with a character like him so here's sort of my take on him and on the lore. Call it a fanfanfic if you will.
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.347227
347273
>>347211
I officially give all current users of this site permission for anyone to write whatever they want with the Silver Star character.
Anonymous
055d411
?
No.347273
6460147.jpg
>>347227
Thanks!
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.347452
347453 347500
>be orphan, never adopted
>grow successful as cool self made man
>arrive in ponyville one day and catch Twilight's eye

>be orphan, get adopted by Twilight's parents
>develop a sister brother dynamic with Twilight
>it's a romance story between orphan OC and Rainbow Dash

What do?
Anonymous
50a753d
?
No.347453
347490
6459430.jpg
>>347452
RD, right that was the last mare in the harem you wanted Silver to have. I forgot.
I also have troubles just picking one but the only one that overlaps between your fav mane six ponies and mine is ponk. Otherwise we both also have three that we like. The other two of mine are Flutters and Rarity, and Rarity is mostly because I imagine that she be like super hawt.

Here's a purple for your purps collection.
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.347490
>>347453
That's a nice purple!
Twilight, Pinkie, and Rainbow Dash are my favourite ponies.
Anonymous
39aae74
?
No.347500
347501 348046
>>347452
Not asking cause it's wrong or anything but I wonder how the two scenarios' background stories ties in the what seems like the core story? The core seems to be mc x Twi or mc x RD romance stories so what had you in mind for why the background stories are the way they are?
Anonymous
39aae74
?
No.347501
1773371.gif
>>347500
Appearently I'm a burger, right now and I don't know why. Oh, well there are worst fates.
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.348046
>>347500
I can't decide whether to make the hero a self-made orphan, or an orphan raised by Twilight's family.
>>everyone
Anti-Christian film "Saved" makes a character arc out of the protagonist girl going from demonized Christian to Atheist degenerate. Saw that movie again, hated it.

Everything Christian is played for "laughs" and portrayed in the worst possible light, while the abusive jewish degenerate girl who shows up to school drunk at one point is painted as "the cool edgy rebel teens should idolize". Meanwhile the heroine's super-christian friend is painted as the villain despite being far kinder than the sort of "Mean girl" you'd see in most teen movies.

The protag has no father figure and a useless mother too wrapped up in her own drama to be a positive influence on her child. This is normalized, because for most people in the fatherless feminized generations these days it is normal. Trying to imagine anything else would be a fantasy. Like an orphan imagining he has rich parents. When the heroine abandons Christ, the jew befriends her and they proceed to be awful people together. When the Christian girl is pushed past her limit, she abandons Christ and is accepted by the jew. This is treated as a positive thing. This "Villainous" Christian, she's completed the "positive growth" in her "character arc", she has "overcome" her Christianity, and while she has lost her God, now she can be accepted by the one voice that really matters in this movie: The fucking jew girl.

The heroine abandons Christ when the consequences of actions she chose to take (unprotected sex with her gay boyfriend, hoping to turn him gay) catch up with her. And it's brain damage that causes her to hallucinate Christ telling her to fuck him. When the heroine "needs" abortion to undo the consequences of unprotected sex she chose to engage in, she considers it, despite protesting outside a planned parenthood clinic earlier. She doesn't go for it - That might offend Christians TOO much, keep them from buying tickets. Instead the film portrays the heroine's choice to raise this child without God and surrounded by bad influences as a happy ending for everyone.

And this work of anti-Christian propaganda effortlessly hides in plain sight within the "Comedy" and "Teen movie" categories. It raised no red flags. Nobody saw this and called it "something controversial that goes too far" because that's how far the Overton Window has been pushed. The gays get together, the new atheists befriend the jew, and the child will grow up without God surrounded by Christians the audience has been programmed to see as at best idiots, and at worst malicious lunatics who'll change for the better and abandon all that they are if pushed far enough. It's genius, and I hate it.

How could anyone possibly create a work of positive propaganda as effective as this? If some fucking demon-worshipper out there views white children as parasites and loves the idea of mothers sacrificing their kids for their career, how is a short fantasy story about a man getting isekai'd and marrying a hot elf woman only for the son they lovingly raise to be the chosen one who defeats the evil and saves the realm supposed to help anyone?
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.348241
>give fequestria fic an original setting
>no more overcomplicated shit to explain like PipBucks, Laser Weapons, the shizofucked tech levels, kkat's retarded cognitive dissonance history where liberalism ruins two races only to magically pull equestrians out of niggerish muck once a sufficiently libtarded bitch starts murderhoboing about it
>hero was born into one underground shelter 80 years after the bombs dropped with no idea if others exist outside these walls, no idea what happened to make nukes fly, and no idea what the outside world is like due to censorship
>suddenly the early chapters are a lot smoother because if nobody knows anything nobody can infodump lore
Making the hero a lion man was fucking stupid. Who wants a lion to be free?
But everyone loves dogs. The urge to avoid seeming like a zootopia or beastars ripoff is stupid. Time to make the hero a dog.
Perhaps the hero should be a dog-man, in an apartment with many canine roommates. Each one can explore the themes and ideas of the story in a different way, as society says all of these hard-working and fundamentally good dogs are failures for not being what the ruling class wants. Each one did his best and was punished for it by society. Each one has a reason to want a better life than their anti-canine society will ever give them. The audience should love these guys and want them to succeed before some inciting incident forces these guys to choose death on the spot or fighting for their lives. The latter is chosen and violence ensues.
Had this idea where after training for years and making homemade weaponry they break into a work camp gulag to free everyone there, getting an army while reuniting families. Then they march on the capital at the highest floor in the vault and overthrow it for good. Not sure where I can fit in "The heroes go to a based white micronation ethnostate to join a militia for training and they each get a based wife to impregnate".

Feels like there should be a traitor in their group, someone who would sell out others for a better life only to die for it. Movies usually do that if they don't make the traitor feel bad and undo his treason later.

If the hero is a prostitute he gets to fuck bitches onscreen which makes this story mature, and he gets screentime with awful rich bitches the audience should hate. Can also contrast his routine fucking of bitches with his genuine lovemaking when he's got someone he truly cares about. But if he's forced into literally whoring himself out by the economy to survive, before he moves to a better place, would that ruin his character?
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.348429
348439 348444 348891
In your opinion, have good fanfics ever existed?
Anonymous
a3d04dc
?
No.348439
348454
>>348429
Nope
Anonymous
3411668
?
No.348444
348454
6433888.png
>>348429
Yes.
Most are mediocre at best though.
Anonymous
10f9d33
?
No.348454
348887 348889
>>348444
What are some good fanfics, then? What do they do right?
>>348439
I think you're right. What do mainstream bronies on normie sites point to when asked about "the good" fanfics? They point to shit they probably never read like Fallout Equestria.
Anonymous
4a31842
?
No.348864
A thought occurs.
All the libtards that rageclicked the fanfic to search for things to complain about...
They could have been shown all sorts of hilarious shit during this story or flashbacks in the middle of the story.
Anonymous
88c32d9
?
No.348887
>>348454
Keepers of discord, I remember as good but a 1k story called Sandbox (ft. Sunset, Twi, Cadance) is also good. The word good means, in my world 6/10 as in not great but above average. Maybe that's not what one thinks of on an intuitive plane though.
Anonymous
35fe0fe
?
No.348889
348890 348894
>>348454
Imo, a story loses all credibility when attached to a franchise; this goes for Star Wars, DnD, Star Trek, Halo, etc. And yes of course ponies.
Ponies do not make a story good; a story must be good independent of ponies, which then evokes the inquiry of why ponies?.
Anonymous
9f5a4f9
?
No.348890
348894
>>348889
>why ponies?
Because I like ponies.
Simple as.
Anonymous
9f5a4f9
?
No.348891
>>348429
Yes. A lot of the best content in the FiM fandom is fan content.
Anonymous
dd7f0d5
?
No.348894
>>348889
Correct. You do get to see more about a franchise you liked tho, if you actually happen to enjoy the fic of course.
>>348890
If it's fun for you, that should be enough.
Anonymous
4a31842
?
No.349581
>The mind is a terrible thing to waste
Writer appreciation time.
At 6:46 the video on the psychics details The Mastermind, a brain in a tank.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sydlO9EdY-I
It's a goofy concept. A tank in a brain that psychically fucks with you. Very retrofuture. Like rayguns and thunderbolt-spitting tesla tanks. I could see Flash Gordon or Batman fighting this.
But this brief bit of backstories paints the brains in tanks as something horrifying.
Something unnatural.
Something worth talking about for reasons beside its gameplay effect without overlooking it.
There's a brain in a tank made from the brains of many people, and it's fucked up.
The experimentation never ends, not even in death.
Brains in a jar were in Fallout Equestria because they are enemies in Fallout to shoot at and be shot by.
No deep story was told here. No mystery. Littlepip is not answering a call for help from a voice on the PA system that turns out to be a brain in a jar eager to betray her. Littlepip does not explore a facility learning the secrets of "brain in a jar on a roomba with a gun" construction while vomiting and learning "volunteer" experimentation candidates included homosexuals, sociopaths in the military, POWs, the elderly, the incurably insane, assorted state dependents, peace protestors, unpeaceful protestors, and other undesirables.
These robobrains were not kind cute little ponies turned bad by science gone wrong. This was not a failed attempt to cure the disabled with robotic bodies or get injured soldiers back on the front lines despite zebra potion-induced multiple organ failure leabing them with nothing but brains.
Littlepip does not try to save or cure the robobrains or go out of her way to put them out of their misery and hunt them down wherever she hears rumors of them roaming.
These are just targets that popped up in her shooting gallery. She acts like a completionist gamer detatched from the game's reality when the author doesn't want maudlin scenes of overemotional sobbing.
But the brain tanks don't need maudlin sobbing to get the point across.
These psychic guys are fucked up. It's just enough of a reminder of the darkness and edge behind all the fun goofy alt history future tech RTS game.
Anonymous
4a31842
?
No.349848
Does fimfic's rule that MLPFIM fanfictions must have something to do with the characters or world of FIM at the time of uploading negatively restrict the types of stories that can be uploaded?
If I wanted a story on there featuring OCs in another world, and Twilight won't show up in their world until chapter 7, chapter 1 would need some microscene where Twilight shows up and exists for a bit just to reassure the audience that she is in this story and will eventually get meaningful screentime.
Or I could prewrite the whole thing and then upload it. But what typical brony would read 12k word of not ponies just to get to the part where Twilight shows up?
Anonymous
4a31842
?
No.350123
>book lover friend proofreads story
>calls my political biases too obvious
>calls my handling of political issues too one sided and clunky
>complains about length of time characters spend preaching truth to liars and retards
>stops reading before getting to the jew stuff because my handling of monarchies was "that bad"
"My old writing was worse about that"
>"Then I'm glad you didn't show me your old writing"

Guys how do you write about a good prince* of a good kingdom ruled by his evil retard father who must be overthrown for his jewery without being obvious about it?

*I'm doing the Sokka thing where he starts off dumb and grows
Anonymous
34e6069
?
No.350309
horsefucker.png

Anonymous
fe0bceb
?
No.350495
350729 350803
Maybe the biggest problem with Fallout Equestria Lionheart is that its overtly political nature turns away tards just here for more Fallout Equestria inspired bang bang shooty wangst maudlin "just like in Fallout 3!" funtimes.

And when the story takes the side of workers instead of authoritarian weaklings who outnumber the good, that political bias is too overt. But it's all too complicated to work.

I need something simpler and less niche. Something approachable that works even if any political angle is ignored. I should construct something simple and understandable out of ideas that have been done before and recontextualize them with their new context.

How's this?

>be ordinary farmboy
"Gee, it sure is boring around here"
>servants of the dark lord attack your farm
>fight them off with your friends, one will eventually betray you for evil and die for that
>lord emperor malbad sent his goons to kill you because the youngest and oldest must die to satisfy strict population controls enforced by a mad king who claims he's doing this for the earth goddess's life force
>there is no earth goddess, only a dragon of light and a dragon of darkness. Malbad claims the light and dark dragon are the same to confuse retards and make them worship earth goddess
>dad just wants to grill and knows nothing but doesnt want to make trouble
>mom thinks working for the enemy will save them
>Mom and Dad swear they complied with all of malbads orders, having no kids and eating no meat and singing no songs and never riding horses, and to save their skins they sell the hero out but they are rewarded as traitors deserve and killed by the goons to show how evil they are
>heroes arrive and save farmboy, tell him he's the sole survivor of a town the villains genocided because prophecy states a hero from there will overthrow evil. Also his parents were faggots who found him in a basket down by the river
>you know, like in Kung Fu Panda 2 or Star Wars but different. Hero is the chosen one
>malbad brainwashed the king of hero's land with dark magic, the only cure is beheading the king
>the hero has an unusual hair and eye colour
>hero's people were the best and fought back the darkness for everyones safety but when the darkness convinced human kingdoms to destroy each other instead of working together the darkness started winning and the hero is the last of a race everyone is raised to revile for being born with naturally blue hair
>many villains dye their hair and bleach their skin and get nose surgery to look more like the heros people but its all fake and they cannot grasp what really made his people able to succeed where others failed
>there is also a cute imaginary fantasy race the heroes must save from the villains by killing the villains. Just in case nobody reading wants to see the heroes save humans, the cute nonhumans need saving too.
>hero has a little sister he didnt know about until now, a princess malbad captured
>he must save her from being married to a splodistani oil merchant and molested before it is too late, any zogbot cop or soldier who gets in his way must be beheaded and to say otherwise would enable rape
>it's okay to kill cops when they get in the way of saving kids, metal gear rising said so
>malbad also summons demons to overrun the heroes land, they must perish because they contribute no value and only rape and consume and breed mostly through rape, they must be slaughtered for their sins and chased back into hell from whence they came
>in some scenes heroes read the villains cult's bible of darkness and laugh together at all the weird gay shit irl villains actually believe. Or react with disgust. Depends on the myth.
>heroes reject modernity and embrace tradition to get buff and find the strength to overthrow foreign tyrants and all diseased power structures turned against the heroes by the tyrants
>malbad is malthusian thanosism preached by a diseased old tyrannical cultist with all the worlds dictators working for him and he's draining the earth's life to prolong his own while blaming the negative environmental effects of this and his industry on the heroes people so dipshits will die trying to kill him to please a nonexistent earth goddess while dragon christ facepalms and dragon satan laughs.
>in the final battle Malbad gets FUCKING RIPPED using the power of darkness aka evil magic roids when satan dragon flies into him, but this strength decays quickly because he is not used to fighting or exerting himself, also being penetrated by satan is unnatural and it's destroying his body
>heroes kill the villain, flowers bloom, nature recovers, retards stop believing lies, no more corrupt kings, those genocided by the villains rise from the dead and congratulate the heroes because dark king malbad the megacuntish was draining their life and storing their souls in his magic gem of evil which the heroes broke
>jesus dragon also escaped the crystal and can protect his people again
>hero's real parents say they are proud of him for ending the degeneracy of darkness forever
>everyone throws a big party and the hero kisses his spunky tomboy gf who becomes trad and impregnated
>and the heroes of insertnamehereia lived happily ever after

Is this better than Fallout Equestria Lionheart?
Anonymous
fe0bceb
?
No.350729
350731 350732
>>350495
Am I asking the wrong question?
Anonymous
4128987
?
No.350731
350735
>>350729
Dude, let it go
Anonymous
4128987
?
No.350732
350735
>>350729
And by that, I don't mean 'pretend' to let it go and then come back weeks/months later. It doesn't matter anymore. Just relax.
Anonymous
fe0bceb
?
No.350735
350736
>>350731
>>350732
I don't understand what you're saying. I've moved on from caring about Fallout Equestria, now I'm writing Fire Emblem: Cool Name Pending.
Asking if it's better than Failout Equeerstrionics is probably the wrong question.
I should ask if this FE plot outline properly conveys the right tone and message or if I'm cramming too many ideas into one story again.
Anonymous
4128987
?
No.350736
350790
>>350735
>I dont understand
Credit for consistency
Anonymous
fe0bceb
?
No.350790
350793 350801
>>350736
Instead of smugposting, can you clarify what you mean?
What should I "Let go"? My desire to write and improve my writing?
Should I stop bringing up Fallout Equestria? I can do that.
But why do you only have 3 posts in this thread?
Anonymous
f633e54
?
No.350793
350801 350804
>>350790
Business first.
If you're insistent on writing a FoE fic, that's your choice.
Ask yourself, what are you trying to accomplish. You seem intent on objectives outside of writing a good story. Politics this, redpilling that; nobody reads fics to be proselytized or propogandized at. They read fics because they want MORE authentic content in their preferred genre, since the canon well has dried up.
Gaykat didnt do it right, because he wasnt focused on writing a FIMfic. He wanted to write Fallout with ponies. But ponies are just an element, the source of the fandom is Friendship is Magic. If you want to do something superior, return to the roots. It's okay if the protag has growth to experience, but generally the protag should be the one TEACHING that Friendship is Magic, not he one being taught. THAT is what will.make the protag identifiable, appreciable, and worth rooting for.
We can agree (I hope) that FoE is effectively devoid of anything that made FiM good, paying only lip service to canon characters as stand ins for Fallout characters, places, and circumstances, to promote his self insert mary sue. Did FiM have a mary sue (dont go there about Glimmer)?

As for post counts, Idgaf. You should know by now which one I am, I never change my password and make no illusion of who I am. I'm still rooting for you in my own way, but Imo you need to approach this from a completely different idea if you want to succeed at wat you have set out to do.
Anonymous
ba7d577
?
No.350801
350803
>>350793
>Ask yourself, what are you trying to accomplish. You seem intent on objectives outside of writing a good story. Politics this, redpilling that; nobody reads fics to be proselytized or propogandized at. They read fics because they want MORE authentic content in their preferred genre, since the canon well has dried up.
This. I once read a story which agreed with me on all points but was so ridculous that I didn't care for it.

I experinced this with your, >>350790
, writing as well, were your characters tell the reader about politics instead of having the story prove your point by showing this through the story.
Anonymous
ba7d577
?
No.350803
>>350801
>your characters*
The emphasize should be on the "tell" afterwards.

Anyway, so I read this: >>350495
In a way parts of it is more symbolic rather than explicit dialogue between characters, which makes it more like what I described above.
Though, this greentexted synopsis, is kinda unfocused. It has a plot of stopping the bad guys underneath it but there are so many clear symbolism that stand out.
It's not like this couldn't work but it could use some subtlety.
Anonymous
fe0bceb
?
No.350804
350806
peemeljcmp341.jpg
>>350793
I remember a time when people called Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash mary sues because they were so talented and special and important compared to their friends, as if any of that's a bad thing. It made those people dislike the characters but what would be the point in changing them to be less important and limiting the stories that can be told with them or adding extra importance to Twilight's friends by making Rarity the lost heir of a long gone magical empire and Fluttershy the ultimate doctor? Sueishness is just a collection of traits many well-written excellently handled characters get away with having because they are interesting. People call a character "sue" when it's too much for them but everyone has their own tastes and opinions about this sort of thing. Ma-Rey Sue from nu Star Wars is a dull grey blank slate for self-insertion and is sueish to a degree I'd call satirical if I thought they could write anything that funny on purpose. Silver was an obnoxious cunt and he would have been just as obnoxious a person if he was broke and magicless. Instead of worrying about sueishness I should focus on making my characters entertaining, compelling, gripping, and nuanced. Relatability is a false god, that's what the geniuses behind Avatar The Last Airbender said in their prime.

I'm still writing FIM fanfiction but this writing project about Moses Spyro learning ancient european magical swordplay and rising up with an army to overthrow Senator Armstrong Von Bolt is going to be something original. Trying to shoehorn this original story into ponyland would just get in the way, probably. Making the heroes canon ponies in an alternate timeline and the villain Chrysalis would make things easier for fimfic readers to get but I want this to be a universally appealing story of a hero rising up to destroy evil, not some preachy chick tract about the evils of inflation, fiat currency, rapefugees, gun control, speech control, niggers, and ursury with ponies shoehorned in. My first draft of this story didn't get finished before I noticed it had too many political rants that got in the way of the story and the characters, and not enough scenes of the heroes being people the audience should feel for and root for.
Anonymous
3ea815f
?
No.350806
350820
1574337987799.jpg
>>350804
I am justified to doubt you. But this post is pretty much on point for me. Sounds like something I would actually enjoy a lot.
Anonymous
fe0bceb
?
No.350820
350847
>>350806
I also find it hard to believe anyone could call Twilight or Rainbow too sueish for their tastes. Sure taste is subjective but they are missing the point. It's not any one sue trait that makes a sue, it's when mishandling of that trait harms the story. And even in such a case it's the fact that the trait was mishandled that damaged the story, not the trait itself.
Bad writers will still make bad stories if they think making a good story is as simple as not making obvious mistakes when writing one. They put all their energy into trying to write safe inoffensive content full of safe inoffensive characters because if they tried anything harder they'd make egregiously bad characters and learn nothing from the experience. Dumb fanfiction communities often share delusions about what traits are and are not off limits and how you should and shouldn't write, as if most fanfiction authors are just supposed to avoid writing about original character Eevees/Uchihas/Keyblade Wielders because "They're supposed to be rare". Smart ones don't say gay shit like that. Here's a novel idea for those kingdom hearts fanfiction obsessed losers out there, if they're sick of reading about Harry Potter's Uchiha half-Eevee OC twin sisters maybe instead of telling the fandom to write fewer of them they should read a real book!
People complain about how Fire Emblem Fates had to bend over backwards to justify Corrin the protagonist joining the villains of Darkland and helping them conquer the heroes of Lightopia, constantly making enemies kill themselves or get killed by friends of Corrin to keep his hands clean, or in the worst moments, doing a scene where Corrin slaughters countless enemies only for the subsequent talking scene to insist all of that stabbing, crushing, burning, zapping, and cursing was nonlethal. Corrin's a blank slate for self insertion power fantasies but choices made by the player rarely make sense for the character, and the authors are unwilling to make the conflict morally grey or the story of Evil Corrin or Good Corrin On Team Evil fun. You don't meaningfully reform Darkland or hold it back from going over the edge. They wanted to combine Important Chosen One Lord and Tactician into one character and they didn't want him to be too similar to the previous game's generically heroic Prince Chrom or sarcastic nerdy strategy game-loving book-reading Tactician Robin so they made Corrin as bland as bread and twice as stale and uninteresting. Fates was a mess, a missed opportunity to make something good with these ideas. Fans blame Corrin and call him the worst part of the game even though Peri exists (fuck Peri) but the whole setting's a mess, the writers just weren't doing enough of whatever they snorted when they made Three Houses and Awakening. I still think the Supports system is a bad idea. By making scenes where most possible combinations of characters interact and grow closer skippable unlockable content you waste effort writing shit the reader will only see 10% of and you'll never be able to definitively know where the player is in the game's story and what growth the character has gone through when writing these scenes. Strange characters can't have some relationships where they do get more normal and some where they don't or we end up with Peri style situations where it seems she's only the way she is because she isn't trying hard enough to be normal. Strange characters who get normal can't have their normalcy reflected later. Shy characters will never stop freaking out over nothing and nonhumans who hate humans but fall in love with one will be right back to snapping snippily at humans the next time she starts a conversation with one. Cordelia will always lust for Chrom even if she's married to Robin. Annoying characters will still say "Teehee I love violence" even if their lover told them to cut that shit out. All of this optional growth can't carry on outside the unlockable bonus scenes. These bonus scenes should be written like bonus scenes to compliment character arcs that get to matter outside the bonus scenes.
Anonymous
0e04296
?
No.350847
350852
>>350820
>>>/ub/5970 →
Anonymous
4128987
?
No.350852
>>350847
>>>/sp/20315 →
unrelated question
Anonymous
fe0bceb
?
No.351395
>start fantasy story with how the world was made because FIM did that
>proofreader calls this homosexual
>start story with the protagonist's dream about big titty bitches
>then he wakes up and goes to church and the preacher reminds everyone how the world was made
I'm getting good at this, right?
Anonymous
fe0bceb
?
No.351459
351460
>be farmboy who works on a farm
>have to take a steam train somewhere so something can be overheard on the radio during the trip, before he goes to a shithole city dominated by the enemy far more than his hometown
>he goes back home afterwards
Why does he take the train somewhere?
Anonymous
10d278c
?
No.351460
351465
>>351459
He needs to work a job there to support his family and keep from losing his farm because the world is in a economic crisis.
Anonymous
fe0bceb
?
No.351465
351466
>>351460
But he already works a full-time job doing all the farmwork for his boomerfag adoptive parents. What kind of hard and "demeaning" job could he get (not prostitution) without taking too much time away from the farm?
he has to come back home at the end of the day to see his farm being burned down by servants of the dark lord. he's almost killed only to be rescued by a hero who kills a cop for him and passes him a weapon, forcing him to begin rebelling against tyranny.
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.351466
351469
>>351465
Well if he's that hard up, why is he ruling out prostitution? Seems like he's not in a position to turn down a good offer if he gets one.
Anonymous
fe0bceb
?
No.351467
352693
Am I laying this on too thick?
>be farmboy
>get invite to capital city to meet mysterious author
>with first class train ticket
>enter first class carriage, opulent and sinfully decadent
>karens request your removal
>get stuck in to overcrowded poor carriage full of strangers, standing room only, no seats, only a bucket to piss and shit in
>radio says foreshadowing shit
>get to Whitefall City
>it's smoggy victorian london with a river of shit due to overburdened sewers in the rapefugee infested city
>there are poor doors. Doors for the poor. There is a legless homeless military veteran in danger of freezing to death in the cold. Some foreigners live in bunk beds with strangers struggling to afford rent as they do bottom tier jobs at rock bottom prices or less. Hookers are in the street. Signs warn people not to swim or fish in the shit river
>Tell a normalfag about London while calling it a fictional place and he would call it unrealistic. Might even call it heavy handed symbolism that the browning of London browned the Thames.
>hero wonders if the countryside will ever get as bad as this place. Is this the future he must sacrifice to see? Is it worth it? Is working for this system worth it?
>author turns out to be your childhood friend, now a cute girl
>parents taught her to read and write, she made books and got rich inside the system providing entertainment for the rich
>offers to take you out for a good time and catch up and offers you a job as a butler living with them
>also gives you money to keep your farm afloat for a while
>or if hero's boomer adoptive parents mortgaged the farm away years ago only to waste the cash on cruises while he was left at a friends house at age 4, gives hero what he needs to buy his own house and a farm they cant give to the bank. Hero needs money for later.
>go to restaurant and enjoy nice food
>protags devour like starving animals who might never see good food again
>rich author girl smiles. Almost forgot what that looked like after so much isolation from the poor
>characters talk about shit that happened during their lifetimes, subtly giving the viewer exposition seamlessly
>restaurant explodes, killing nice girl
>a muslim rapefugee who couldnt get laid and wishes he was put in a nicer hotel suicide bombed it with the one muslim invention: a dynamite vest
>I mean an orc performed a dark magic suicide bomb spell. Because he couldnt get laid and wishes he was put in a nicer hotel. It was a nice hotel, he just felt entitled to a better one
>hero was injured but wakes up in a hospital
>cries
>he was about to tell her he always had a crush on her, because he did
>rich parents tell protag to fuck off home and blame him because she would have been at home that day if not for the protagonist hero guy
>hero goes home sad thinking about how evil Orcs are
>radio blames society and white men for not doing enough to make life good enough for the muslims they import
>hero hates Orcs now, his racist catgirl friend was right
>goes home sad
>farm is on fire when he gets home, military force is used
>somebody reported the farm and they're searching it for something illegal
>try surrendering but the cops try to kill you
>get saved by man who kills cops and takes you to based armed christian compound
Anonymous
fe0bceb
?
No.351469
>>351466
At the start of the story the protagonist is too young for me to write him saying yes to any offer he's given.
Perverts living in the nice parts of libtard land away from all the crime, entertaining themselves with degeneracy, might offer him money for sex. But he has to say no. Because he doesn't want to, and because I don't want him to.
Anonymous
bbe96a8
?
No.351614
351641
Combining the smartphone, a device that tracks you and your vitals and your stuff and what you do, a radio, a device that broadcasts establishment voices to the masses, and an arm mounted device that reminds me of a Paroled Criminal's tracker...
That's an interesting idea symbolically, especially if it can't be removed. Some say North Korean propaganda radios can't be turned off and the only TV channels praise their dictator endlessly. Add a credit card, social credit score device, and shock collar all in one and it becomes something even more dystopian. It could taze you for stepping outside the lines, getting too close to some people, eating the wrong things. It could make your food cost more or deny you from purchasing certain kinds of food. Rich cunts with a higher social credit score for their tireless feminine efforts to root out unorthodoxy could abuse the system and demand your removal, "blocking you" irl by getting you banned from public places or making your shock collar beep threateningly if you get too close and zap you if you don't get away quickly enough. A rich rapist could do that to a victim she normally wouldn't be able to physically overpower without the shock collar. Some people feel the weight of the oppression, they're thinking people who try to hide it to fit in. And some retards play smartphone games on their glorified slave collar, wasting their paycheck and time, pacified and domesticated and homogenized and normiefied, oblivious to the world.
If a tool explicitly meant to keep its wearers in line end up jailbreaking its code to get off the grid and use the device against those in charge that's pretty symbolic too. Going outside the system to find justice.
I can't believe Fallout 3 and FE stumbled upon something like this idea accidentally. FE tried doing something by making one horse not want to wear it, despite the lack of downsides and the absurd superpowers it brings, but that was just so the author can suck LP off for being a hyper talented instant expert at everything while pretending it's all due to her overpowered gear and her ass-talent symbol in using a user-friendly cheat device and not plot armour.
I want to call it the M-Brace. Because it sounds like embrace, except it's a nonconsensual one forced onto you by those in power. The government calls their domination of you a loving enbrace. And you'll only see something wrong with the government forcing itself onto you if you're smarter than the average normie.
I hate knowing that if I gave my character an arm mounted computer tards would say "hurr durr your ripping off fallout 4 mY fAvOrItE gAmE".
Anonymous
efde116
?
No.351627
351931 353867 353929
2337194__safe_solo_female_pony_mare_simple+background_earth+pony_transparent+background_hat_ponified_bow_tail+bow_artist-colon-envygirl95_higurashi+n.png
This was my submission for the Iron Author competition at EFNW this year. You can tell from the ending that I ran out of time, but I rather liked what I came up with and was planning on finishing it. I was curious what you guys thought. Also, I didn't win the competition, though I wasn't really expecting to.

https://ponepaste.org/7918
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.351641
351657
>>351614
What does any of this have to do with writing?
Anonymous
bbe96a8
?
No.351657
351668
>>351641
The idea of the pipbuck is perfect for exploring dystopian themes but gay story gayly used it because it was in video gayme.
Then again, maybe I shouldnt put this in my work.
Maybe I should stop trying to write propaganda and just try to write good stories.
Zootopia was close enough to our world to make people relate it to the real world.
Beastars, not so much.
Handjob's Tale takes its distorted view of the right and distorts it further into an incoherent mess. It's there to push the unhinged further left and put a symbol in their programming. When they see the women dress like handjobs tail they say "This is literally like handmaid's tale" instead of "This is literally like Harry Potter".
At its core my story is one of a million third rate monomyth ripoffs. It's fun, but not smart. Propaganda can't work on smart people. Anyone who would be interested in a story where rejecting modernity and embracing tradition is the answer already knows the truth. If my story is about a farmer fighting for justice to overthrow the dictatorship is there any reason that my protag has to go to the capital just to see how awful shit is there? Does the story need to include one obligatory good rich person to contrast all the bad ones, make a side character of her so she can react to stuff normal in the hero's life as a fish out of water? I fucked up my FE story in many ways and one was trying to shoehorn in social issues with all the subtlety and grace of a wokist lecturer. How do I avoid that mistake with this one?
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.351668
351705
>>351657
I actually have a reading assignment for you if you're interested. There's no actual work involved beyond reading a book and it's entirely up to you whether or not you want to do it. However it's probably going to help you a lot more than just asking the same questions over and over again.

Go on Amazon, or if you don't want to buy from them go to whatever your bookstore of preference is, and search for a novel called The Elementary Particles by Michel Houellebecq. It may actually be called Atomization in the UK, I'm not sure. But you should be able to find it easily enough under either of those titles + the author name. It's basically a novel about the negative effects of the sexual revolution: some hippie thot gives birth to two sons and essentially abandons both of them. One grows up to be a sex-crazed incel and the other becomes an emotionally dead but otherwise successful biologist. I'm actually reading it myself at the moment. It's quite good and it struck me as a positive example of the kind of story you seem to be wanting to write. If you have any questions about the novel or would like to open a discussion about it, you're more than welcome to do so.

If you want to get good at anything, a good first step is to find someone who is better than you at it, observe their work, and try to see if you can figure out what they did. One of your many problems is that you just need to find some better inputs. Zootopia was a Pixar cartoon, and I don't know what the hell Beastars is, but I know you've mentioned it before and it sounds like complete fucking autism. I doubt you're going to learn much from either one.

Pick up something well-written and aimed at an adult audience ffs, give it a thoughtful read, and see if you can analyze it and pick out techniques the author used to get his point across.
Anonymous
c1ef9ee
?
No.351705
351930
>>351668
So far this is a really good book, I'm several chapters in. I got it from here https://b-ok.cc/ and while this isn't anything like what I'm trying to write reading more great books should help me improve my writing. Got any recommendations for books where one guy overthrows a government or joins an army or rebellion that overthrows a government? I know there are tons of trashy Y.A. books about that trying to ride the Hunger Games trend but I've never seen one of those as good as Hunger Games and Hunger Games wasn't even that good. Didn't focus enough on socioeconomic disparity and mocking the troonish outfits of the rich cunts, got too distracted by the love triangle.

Beastars is a severely autistic show about a wolf man who wants to fuck a whore rabbit girl, but their instincts and society get in the way, also society's bad. The longer it goes on, the weirder and less focused the writing gets. I don't think the author plans things before writing them. Seems that habit's common with female writers, JK Rowling didn't plan things either. Marauder's Map was made by three teenagers in their spare time, it tracks everyone's location at Hogwarts and shows you their true name. Shapeshift potions and invisibility cloaks don't fool it, not even the invisibility cloak that hid its wearer from death itself. The Weasley Twins Fred and George have the Map. Yet a villain's able to use shapeshift potion to impersonate the guy he has gagged and trapped in his suitcase, plus a traitorous cunt's able to hide out in little boy Ron Weasley's trousers living as his pet rat for years, and these two either never notice any of this or notice and never tell anyone or do anything about it. They don't even joke about how the name of a man their friend knew can be seen sleeping with their kid brother.
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.351930
351944
>>351705
>Got any recommendations for books where one guy overthrows a government or joins an army or rebellion that overthrows a government?
Probably the best thing I can recommend off the top of my head that fits that description is Faith of the Fallen by Terry Goodkind. It's technically the fifth book in a long-running series, but it's mostly a self-contained story so you could probably read it on its own. There might be some events that won't make sense without having read the previous books, but the main story is basically it's own thing. The series overall I think is basically good but kind of hit or miss, but that particular book is pretty well done as I remember. It's up to you whether you want to make the time investment of reading the whole series; you could probably get by with just starting on FotF and googling characters and events if anything confuses you.

Honestly though, even if it's not directly related to the specific type of thing you're trying to write, I really do recommend reading as much as possible, and to aim for higher-quality books. Talented authors have tricks and techniques that they use, and if you read enough of their work you will eventually start to absorb some of those tricks subconsciously. Your instinct to avoid modern YA books is right on the money; I would stick with this attitude. I've never read the Hunger Games books so I can't say if they're good or not, but my guess is that there's probably not much there. If you want to read quality books aimed at younger audiences, older classics are the way to go: the Chronicles of Narnia, The Hobbit, Alice in Wonderland; all of that. Roald Dahl's books are also quite good.

Main thing is just to read, and to read critically whenever possible. If you like something, try to analyze it and figure out why you like it. If you don't like something, try to figure out what the author is doing that irritates you. Probably the single best thing that has helped my writing improve is learning to do this.
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.351931
352047 352749
>>351627
Also, this is me, and in addition to this I'd like to request a read on the first chapter of something else I wrote:

https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/BkAnHiaxs

I've submitted this to the FimFiction thread on /mlp/ as well. Basically, it's a HiE mystery story with Philip Marlowe as the protagonist. Marlowe is the detective from Raymond Chandler's novels.
Anonymous
c1ef9ee
?
No.351944
352099
>>351930
Already read the Legend Of The Seeker/Sword of Truth books and saw the TV show. They're great!
Hunger Games had a little intelligent political commentary but it got swallowed whole by the teenage melodrama love triangle obsession. Poors are controlled with food, out of touch cunts in the Capitol obsess over image and garish tranny tier clothing and trying to out-fancy each other, the loss of child life in the system is more routine than someone actually damaging an eXpEnSiVe TaBlE, each American state that provides something valuable is denied from trading with each other freely and forced to provide for a disgustingly wasteful opulent govt that redistributes wealth as it sees fit(Texas makes x, Wisconsin makes y, Washington makes it difficult), the rich made hunting illegal, reality TV is blatantly rigged for ratings, the protag gets manipulated blindly to the point that she doesn't feel like an active driven protagonist with agency, and is only ever useful as a marketing symbol for the goodies or baddies, the rebellion that takes over stages a false flag bombing attack on children to piss people off and then immediately institute the New Hunger Games to show the rich how it feels to lose children but Catpiss shoots the new president and everything magically wraps itself up on its own, every kid gets their name in a lottery to see who fights in a ripoff of Dreadzone complete with Exterminators but to keep the middle class and poors from uniting poors are forced to enter their kids name into the lottery multiple times for bonus food portions(This part was left out of the movie probably so Catpiss's sister getting selected for Minecraft Hunger Games would feel more random and unfair), all of that's toned down in the movies. And nothing was really done with the political ideas. The baddies are bad because they make kids kill each other for sport, and the new rulers are bad if they also want to do that. But that's too far divorced from reality for anyone who reads it to think critically about their government and what it asks of them. They live under a government that wants them poor and loves making forms of self sufficiency like hunting illegal wherever it can but the target audience of tween girls and women with the brainpower of tween girls will walk away from this thinking "omg peeta and the other one r so cuuute" and everyone else walks away thinking "what a load of boring girly pandering shite". Ideally I'd like those who read my work to walk away thinking about politics instead of "Damn I'm glad I don't live in that world and nothing from there can ever happen here". I think that is what ruined a rough draft I am working on. I showed it to an apolitical writer friend who called it too dark and miserable.
Anonymous
922130f
?
No.352047
352090
>>351931
I read the first chapter of the detective story. It was neat. It's called muffians of madness which sounds like mountains of madness and the premise is reminicent of the prompt I made in one of my prompts threads. You said you made one for that thread, is this it? I must admit that I almost don't see it due to how it feels right now like a normal detective story rathar than a cosmic horror kinda deal. This is something I think is cool.
Anonymous
c1ef9ee
?
No.352078
>write opening chapter where hero's adoptive parents are abusive cunts
Pro writer friend: "Why is the hero fighting to save a world that's only ever treated him and his friends like shit? Why is he willing to believe the wise old wizard when he says hero's people used to be better before the Goblins took over?"
>hero does hours of farmwork while ranting to himself
Writer: please shorten this
>hero volunteers at church orphanage and argues with atheist cunts who dont help kids and only come here to insult christians and demand debates
Writer: ew no religion is cringe. You can't make the state religion evil and the oppressed religion good! You should make all religion evil because it's normal for media to do that.
>orcniggers break into hero's house and rape hero's adoptive mom when he's buying groceries
Writer friend: "You should make her and her husband less detestable so people won't cheer for the Orcs"

I knew I went too far with this.
I should add more not-evil old people and make the hero's parents decent people overall who are just too dumb and cowardly to notice you can't comply your way out of tyranny. Abusive obese alcoholic smoker dad will be changed to not throw beer bottles or insult his wife and mom will be changed from a narcissistic karen who insults her kid to a dozy cow. He knows redpilling these dumbfuck cuckservatives is impossible but at least they're not libtards. They're not evil, they're just not good enough to be heroes, so they don't rebel against tyranny.

Also I'm cutting the "hero gets cash for his farm, it burns, he hires mercenaries" idea. Hero should be dirt broke and hiring sellswords isn't as heroic as befriending fellow heroes and rising up.

Am I on the right track?
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.352090
canterlot_city_by_plainoasis_dbjfyyp.jpg
>>352047
>You said you made one for that thread, is this it?
Yeah, this is the one I was hinting at. I thought about posting it in that thread, but at this point my idea has diverged far enough from the prompt to where it didn't feel appropriate there. My story doesn't involve Trottingham, the protagonist doesn't ultimately end up in a nuthouse, and I didn't end up using Anon as the detective. I started out with Anon, but after awhile I basically realized I was just writing him as a blatant Philip Marlowe caricature. So I decided to just make Marlowe the actual protagonist and call it a crossover. Because of some specifics of the plot I decided Canterlot would work better as a setting than Trottingham. Also, ever since I came across this image I've been wanting to do a Canterlot story that uses this idea of the city as a model.

> I must admit that I almost don't see it due to how it feels right now like a normal detective story rathar than a cosmic horror kinda deal.
There actually is going to be some cosmic horror stuff, but it won't be coming in until a bit later. Right now I have the chapter you read, a draft of Chapter 2, and an outline of events through Chapter 5. I'll continue posting it here as I go.

>It's called muffians of madness which sounds like mountains of madness
Yep, you guessed it. A friend of mine actually bought an HP Lovecraft-themed cookbook, and there was a recipe in there called "the muffins of madness." It was too perfect not to use as a title for a Derpy story.
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.352099
352132
1607032245399.png
>>351944
>Already read the Legend Of The Seeker/Sword of Truth books and saw the TV show. They're great!
I may have actually recommended them to you before, now that I think about it. In any case, I'm glad you enjoyed them. If I think of anything else that specifically involves an uprising or a rebellion I'll let you know. Incidentally, while it's still kind of a non-sequitur as far as what we were actually discussing, you make a fairly articulate critique of the Hunger Games novels here. You clearly articulate what you liked about the novels, what you didn't like, and where you thought the movies missed the point. Nicely done; this is exactly what I mean when I say you should learn to read critically.

>Ideally I'd like those who read my work to walk away thinking about politics instead of "Damn I'm glad I don't live in that world and nothing from there can ever happen here".
Best advice I can give you here would be to stop trying to overtly force the reader to see a particular point of view. Trying to write a preachy political fable is almost always a bad idea; people can usually see through it and will be annoyed that you're trying to preach to them, regardless of the message. This goes double if you're trying to directly challenge what they already believe.

The best social-commentary stories are the ones that don't try to drag the reader in any particular direction. Instead, they take a sympathetic, relatable character and present whatever social situation they want to make a commentary on through that character's eyes. The focus is ALWAYS on the character's direct experiences in the world, and NEVER a top-down lecture on the setting's macro-problems. That's what I was hoping you'd see when I recommended the Houellebecq novel to you. It's a commentary on a very broad, world-level problem: sexual promiscuity, materialism, consumer culture, atheism and individualism have combined to create a world of atomized, love-starved hedonists for whom thinking up reasons not to blow their brains out is a legitimate daily struggle. However, it presents this problem directly from the perspective of the two main characters, rather than from a broad macro view. Moreover, it never explicitly tries to moralize. The narration is intentionally cold and detached; it just shows you what the world looks like through the eyes of these two characters, and leaves you to draw your own conclusions from what you've read.

I have another reading assignment for you if you're interested. Check out The Jungle by Upton Sinclair. This one is interesting for different reasons. Sinclair was a rabid Socialist, the story is an overt left-wing political fable, and he makes no effort to disguise it as anything else. However, 75% of the novel is a prime example of what a well-written political fable can look like (the 25% of it that isn't I'll address in a minute).

The story focuses on an immigrant from some Eastern European shithole, who comes to America for a better life and blah blah blah. He ends up working in a slaughterhouse for long hours under horrible conditions, gets repeatedly exploited in various horrible ways, loses his entire family to various levels of horrible exploitation, and blah blah blah; he just generally has an awful time of it. Sinclair's actual occupation was journalism, and the story is a well-researched and accurate portrayal of what working conditions were like in industrial cities around the turn of the previous century. It's an effective story because it makes its case for Socialism by showing the reader the sort of horrible conditions an average worker had to endure at that time. The reader can easily place themselves in the character's shoes and sympathize.

The point where the story goes off the rails and straight up an elephant's butthole occurs (iirc) about three quarters of the way through. The protagonist winds up at a Socialist Party meeting, and the author makes the unfortunate decision to turn this scene into an overt and LOOOOOOOOOOONG lecture on Socialism. Sinclair does everything I regularly advise you guys not to do: he takes all of the dry, staid, tedious, academic principles of Socialist thought, writes them out as huge block paragraphs, and dumps said paragraphs into the mouth of one of his characters, in this case the lady who is running the Socialist party meeting. When I had to write an essay on this book in college, I remember that I just straight up admitted that I'd skipped over this entire section of text because it was boring as fuck. It's worth noting that at the time, my political views were still more or less left-leaning and I didn't object to Socialism as a concept. Think about it: if your writing can't even hold the attention of someone who is basically sympathetic to your point of view, how much luck do you think you'll have convincing someone who is actively hostile to it?

The novel is well written overall, but that whole section of text is basically the 19th century equivalent of Starlight Glimmer Gets the Everloving Shit Kicked out of Her by Silver "I Literally Use my Ponut to Crack Open Watermelons" Star. Thus, I think The Jungle would be a good study for you: it simultaneously demonstrates how to write good social commentary, as well as how not to write it.

Incidentally, it's also worth noting that Sinclair ultimately achieved the wrong goal. The novel didn't accomplish much in terms of converting people to socialism; however, the graphic depictions of all the gross shit that took place in meat packing plants prompted a huge public outcry and led to stricter government health regulations for the pork industry. That's the other lesson about political fables: even a good writer has no actual power over the hearts and minds of his readers, and you can't force anyone to think anything. All you can do is present the world as you see it and hope you end up connecting with someone.
Anonymous
c1ef9ee
?
No.352132
>>352099
I'll read that meat story when I'm done with Holybbq's.
One sided political lectures are always gay. Was it gayer than the John Galt shit? I read that over a decade ago and I remember little of it.
Would it have improved the story and its effectiveness as propaganda if the most important aspects that political lecture wanted to say was instead conveyed through a brief speech the protag and a cunt heard, followed by a political argument between the righteous hero and the cunt? The author could make the cunt a poor defender of capitalism by giving him the IQ of a socialist's useful idiot.
Perhaps the only socialists in the story could be its only good people, and they could have a sentence or two of pro socialist thought now and then. Hero needs charity? "Well it would be wrong for me to hoard this wealth so here you go". Hero needs a place to stay? "Sure, crash on my couch. It would be cruel of me to make you freeze and starve on the street between an anti homeless gay rock and the spiked areas of condos with poor doors. You know in soviet russia they forced rich men to share their mansions with many poor families". Conveniently leaving out the downsides and pretending socialism is a nice thing socialists volunteer to do, when their tyrannical coercive rule is really anything but voluntary.
Or there could be a scene where the hero asks his evil boss for a wage and the ugly mean boss makes a brief sound defense of capitalism designed to make him sound callous and hypocrirical. Like that niggery propaganda movie about black slaves in white america, where a smug rich prick said "If we free the black slaves, we will become poorer and become their slaves" while dining on fine food. The filmmaker wanted the audience to hate him but when you think of all those white labourers struggling to afford living and working just to fund the government's love of funding jobless niggers and helping them breed, was he really wrong?

One scene I wrote was complimented by the proofreader who said other scenes need editing.

>be in merchant caravan ridding in horsed carriage in long trail
>suddenly the wagon stops
>libtards are blocking the road illegally
"Why the fuck are they sitting in the road" hero asks
"They know we won't trample them to death. They love exploiting our better nature like that". Merchant says. "They don't like that we ride horses because they think horse poop is bad for the environment, we dont let our animals rest enough, and horses eating grass is bad for nature."
"But all these horses waiting here will shit more on the roads. This is prolonging their journey, which makes our horses wait longer before they can properly rest without packs on their backs. These dangerous roads are full of bandits, who are they to make us stay outside when their government tells us to stay inside? And a horse eating grass IS nature!" Hero says.
"Annoying, right? A child could see the holes in their logic. But they can't, because they don't think."
"This can't be legal."
"Sure, but the right to violate the law however they see fit is their privilege, not ours. Their people are in charge, not ours. And their idea of justice is whatever it needs to be to benefit them in the moment."
"This is fucked."
>heroes have to wait an hour standing around while their horses shit and piss
>cop shows up to tell the road blockers "let me know if you need anything"
>heroes fantasize about leaving these libtards standing face down in a ditch to solve the problem
>eventually someone in the wagon trail solves the problem with violence
Hero is shocked at the efficient brutality.
"Fucking finally!" Merchant yells, flooring it now that the motorway isnt blocked- I mean flicking the reins to make the horse go.
Hero wonders if this is what it takes to survive if the enemy won't let you.
Anonymous
c1ef9ee
?
No.352213
>make protagonist blue eyed and blonde haired man in black jacket
proofreader: "He looks like a nazi"
>make protagonist blue haired and golden eyed man in blue jacket
proofreader: "he's like the ukraine flag!"
>make protagonist blue haired and golden eyed man in red jacket
>wait fuck his enemies are supposed to wear red and black because they're red demons and the "red tide" of communist antifa terrorists
>can't make the sides red vs blue because red is republican AND communist while blue is democrat

Fuck this is hard. What do I do?
Anonymous
c1ef9ee
?
No.352361
Finished The Elementary Particles. Definitely something I'd recommend to others. I hope this helps my writing.

Already finished Roald Dahl, Hobbit, some of LOTR (nowhere near finished yet), Alice in Wonderland, and Chronicles of Narnia (Based brilliance, I love the way everyone goes to heaven. funny how feministards complained about the woman "obsessed with the most complicated time in her life" didn't go to heaven. She didn't go to heaven because she didn't die in Narnia! If anything they should complain she's too feminine to accurately remember experiences she lived through, writing off all Narnia memories as nonsense that never happened because they don't fit into her delusional self-image, like a college whore choosing to believe she was raped because it's easier on her self esteem than admitting she drunkenly and desperately threw herself at someone she considers low-status sober)

As for the outfits question I decided to make the heroes wear whatever colour they want while the villain footsoldiers wear black and the rulers wear ugly shit. The hero wears white, but not too much of it. Tons of character casts have different aesthetics or primary colours and one colour or other visual motif unifying them enough to make them feel like they're part of the same set when they're supposed to be. If the black hat white hat thing works for cowboy movies it'll work here. Villains are conformists who pretend to be nonconformists, the heroes are real nonconformists.

Gurren Lagann did this thing where the protagonist Simon is a timid boy who gets all his motivation and ideology from Kamina, who's perfection in human form. Mostly.
Kamina has so much charisma and confidence first-time watchers might not notice he's a platitude-spouting reckless moron, or appreciate that he chooses to be that way no matter how terrified he gets so he can inspire Simon. Simon doesn't need another clear thinker, he needs a leader and his brigade needs a symbol. He turns out to be always right and the audience is always on his side.
I should give the protagonist of my story someone like that, right?
If he got his hands dirty fighting evil long before the hero got involved, it would also give this story the sense that things happen even when offscreen and things have been happening before the day the story started.
He could die for the hero and pass the metaphorical torch on to him when he's ready to replace him. Or sooner. Perhaps literally pass the obligatory important macguffin to him in the process.
Anonymous
ed56f0c
?
No.352489
>be raised by loving farmers
>because the draft where you have a drunken bastard smoker weedloving druggie cuckservative father and narcissistic libtard mother was too dark
>have dreams where based ghost dad raises you and tells you where to go to learn the truth
>be descended from magical supermen you knew nothing about, have little reason to care when you find their ruins and mass graves, suddenly develop sick powers from turning out to be the last one, learn their kung fu from a ripped old man
This isn't sad enough.
I can feel it. This needs to be sadder for anyone to give a shit.
I need to make this sadder.
Anonymous
ed56f0c
?
No.352504
352672
>be 9 year old farmboy and only guy in village with unusual unnatural cool eye colour and hair dyed a normal colour from its usual unnatural colour
>isolated from village and loathed for unknown reason
>parents can't talk about it
>nobody can talk about it without getting arrested
>children guess the reason why you are loathed, assume you deserve the hate and bring misfortune wherever you go
>rich family's boy spreads revisionist propaganda: The protagonist's people attempted an insurrection to take over the village and they were executed for it
>sneak into some manly warrior ceremony meant to be for teenage boys to risk death hunting in pairs in the forest to officially become men
>think this will get the villages respect
>your 12 year old partner tries to kill you so he will be beloved by the village even though you are of the same race and he is also an outsider but not as much of an outsider as you
>kill him in self defense uaing your hidden power
>village wants your head
village elder: ENOUGH!
>village elder tells village the truth:
"Strike me down or turn me in for telling the truth if you must, but I will be heard. Fourty years ago, a fortune teller said a boy destined to overthrow the Mad King would be born in the year the moon bled. Nine years ago, there was a lunar eclipse. So the army was sent out to kidnap everyone's children and indoctrinate them with lies and draft them into the Mad King's forces. InsertProtagonistNameHere's parents hid their boy with a pair of farmers before fighting to save the children of this village. They failed, and because they fought back, they were forced to watch as the kids were killed in front of them until there were no kids from this village left to kill. Then they were killed. This boy... did nothing wrong. His people did nothing wrong. He was born into a world that hated him and his people as the Mad King wanted. This boy's people never stopped trying to do the right thing. All of us spit on the sacrifices of the past when we allow the rich to rewrite history and make us hate each other when we should hate the greedy little Goblins in charge".

After that day the village treated protagonist better

Timeskip

Hero is 15, eventually becomes 16 halfway through the story
Hero has a totally normal girlfriend
His village is attacked by Feds because somebody snitched to the feds
Hero's girlfriend is killed
Taxpayer funded military force is used to slaughter innocents while the media campaigns paint this helpless place as a mad cult that deserved worse
Hero is angry and joins a militia to overthrow the government

Am I on the right track?
Anonymous
ed56f0c
?
No.352672
>>352504
Guys I'm not sure about that opener. It seems like something you'd find in Naruto. Good kid hated by the village for something he can't control just wants their love and respect? Sure the circumstances are different, there's no monster sealed inside the protag, he's just a child blamed for the genocide of his people because his parents ensured he survived it despite dying trying to prevent it. I get that everything has to be turned up to 11 for the average reader to get it but maybe I should turn it down to 8 or 9 instead somehow. He definitely meets nicer people when he's older and volunteering for charity work.

I'm definitely adding a bit where he saves the life of a cute little wolf girl stuck in a bear trap that would have killed her. He heals her using his hidden power, which I changed from a lethal light laserbeam to holy healing hands. She runs the second he saves her, then when his partner betrays him and tries to kill him, she rushes in to kill the traitor and save her savior because she was watching him from afar.
sage
Anonymous
66651ba
?
No.352693
352745
>>351467
>Am I laying this on too thick?
yes
also muslim-bombings are like school-shootings, they hit the news but rarely happen
Anonymous
ed56f0c
?
No.352745
>>352693
If I'm introducing a character who's not poor and starving I need some kind of reason why that character can't or won't send supplies to starving friends. Plus if the protag just walks past a kid yelling "Extra, extra, read all about it! 24 kids and 14 women are among those wounded or killed by another Muslim suicide bomber!" would the audience give a shit? The Mudbombs have to kill a character the audience cares about. The era of people crying in Star Wars 1 theatres on opening night because some planet they knew nothing about got blown up by the Death Star is over, movies were made to try and get people to give a shit about the places and cultures and people killed by the Empire's rise and barely anyone gave two shits anyway.

Acts of Islamic violence against humanity rarely hit the news but they regularly happen.

I understand that we live in a world that's used to horrible things happening. But if even one Muslim bombing, gang rape, or machete attack happens in this country that's too many. One instance of British cops siding with Muslims over Brits and their raped children would be too many. There are many cases of this happening, too many.
I understand that a society that allows alcohol will have drunk drivers if the punishments for drunk driving aren't severe enough, but Muslims worship a literal pedophile who rallied retards to kill and rape and infiltrate and subvert and lie and terrorize in his name.

Fundamentally, Islam is incompatible with the Christian ideals of western society and the "enlightenment ideals" of Atheist society, yet Atheists suck Muslim and Jew cock because they're terrified by evil and amused by familiarity. The Atheist thinks he can reap the benefits of life in a mostly Christian society no matter how much degeneracy he engages in or encourages. He thinks his Christian values are "universal" and "humanist" and equally respected by all cultures.
It's a shame the Muslims who stole land from the Christians are having their stolen land stolen by the Jews, but if any of their Islamic behaviour was motivated by anything done to them by external forces rather than a result of who they are and what barbaric pro-pedophilia nonsense they choose to believe, they would exclusively target Jews and Jewish infrastructure with their suicide bombings and "peaceful" attacks instead of allying with Jews and their pet Feminists against whites and their Western Civilization.

Muslims are evil. They worship a pedophile who promises his followers an isolated "Heaven" with child brides to rape.

Muslims are pathetic. Despite following none of the laws of civilized society they expect to be as protected from criticism and their victims as the Jews. They dish out all sorts of abuse but they cannot take any back without crying and running to a white cop or pedophile muslim cop to beg for help and bring down the authoritarian leftist anarcho-tyrannical state's hammer necessary for subjugating the white man. Without white cops and ddievershitty hire muslim cops, muslim gang problems would be easily solvable when the parents of raped/murdered kids with nothing left to live for remember how to use knives and make 3D printed guns. Muslims are cruel when you are powerless and terrified into begging for mercy and hiding their evil nature when you are free.

Muslims are morons. There is nothing of value in the Quran intellectually, spiritually, or morally. There is no "science" in the Quran. There is no "Intellectualism" in Muslim apologists, you'd have better luck finding intellectualism in Communists. Whites invented everything except the Islamic dynamite vest.

Muslims are hypocrites. Their religion forbids men from fucking men yet they're fucking gay and in love with fucking little boys. Ask a soldier about the gay shit they saw, the gay pedo shit they saw, the straight pedo shit they saw. Most of them saw gay and gay pedo shit. If they're even willing to talk about what they saw without being terrified of "seeming racist" and losing everything.

Muslims are backstabbers. Anyone proposing an alliance between white men and Muslims ignores the fact that Muslims come here for white kids, not for the heads of Jews. Palestine isn't even an afterthought when they traffic and drug and rape white kids in jew-controlled white lands.

Muslims are evil, pathetic, cowardly, violent, dishonest, rapey, and fucking hilariously stupid. They think the sun sets on earth in a muddy spring to "get shiny". https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAc8fgZmMzA

Before I knew about Jews I used to shove this in people's faces to check if they're human or pedophiles. https://www.thereligionofpeace.com/ Pedophiles play damage control for the pedo religion, humans are so rightfully disgusted by it that even those with a lifetime of leftist programming start to think maybe, just maybe, this shit is too much and dievershitty isn't worth it.

Muslims are a problem for white civilization, and Jews are the reason why these problems are brought here and allowed to get away with acting like Pedo Mo, the dead barbarian child-bride-having kidfucker warmonger they worship, idolize, emulate, and name their children after. There are no good Muslims, only explodey arabians who don't have the balls to leave their religion of evil and get hated by their parents and the islamic community. They also lack the IQ necessary to notice they're the only religion that pulls this shit and there are ex-muslim communities that would be happy to have more ex-muslim friends.
Anonymous
ed56f0c
?
No.352748
Anyway, you know how some foreign sweatshop workers are given drugs to keep them working, fucking pills instead of food and food breaks, maybe even addictive drugs to keep them coming back even if they want to quit?

That's not something you're likely to see in a fantasy setting. It's too dark and realistic to be something that makes you say "Holy shit, that's so cool!"

Arcane took inspiration from real world drugs and the themes of its story when making Shimmer, they made it cool enough to fit in a fantasy story and deep enough to tie into the story's themes. It's not some preachy anti-drug PSA yet it still manages to show recreational drug abuse as something devastating to society because it is.

Arcane features Shimmer, a drug used to gain the raw physical power needed to become strong enough for the dangerous world of the Undercity. It cranks everything up to 11, because the Undercity's all about that. Even the scientist guy from the Undercity is all "These dangerous crystals stabilize at high frequencies! Don't try to dampen the crystals, CRANK IT!". Shimmer is what the Undercity is at its worst, the external force that brings out the worst in you. Shimmer is corrupting, it's addictive, it's power. And it's Silco's. His idea of a free Undercity is a drug-addicted shithole governed by drug kingpins, a hellhole full of raves and whorehouses and massive income inequality, and his idea of a healthy adopted daughter is an isolated violent delusional tortured traumatized chaos gremlin even he struggles to control. His dying act is trying to remove her freedom to choose, getting shot for trying to shoot her sister during a scene where she isn't sure whether to choose her sister or Silco. He's a cunt and his talk of all of this being necessary and how he was doing all of this for freedom falls flat when he's willing to give it all up for his daughter and when compared to Ekko's Firelights and their beautiful SolarPunk home. Silco's a great villain and a nuanced fuckup doing his best no matter what it costs him or others. Even in scenes where he isn't present, if his drug or his influence on his city or the character he has influenced are there, he feels present. This poisonous artificial corrupting chemical substance is his influence, the corrupting nature of power and reliance on it, it's power and his ideology's obsession with it.

They could have just given Silco multiple generic drugs with fantasy names, but they decided to make it one drug, his drug, while doing something that matches the "ChemPunk and SteamPunk and MagicPunk clashing" aesthetic of its setting. League of Legends' setting and story was always a meme, the game is called LOL and it was going to get subtitles sometimes like LOL: Wizard Thief Fighter (WTF) and Pirates With Ninjas (PWN) before someone realized that was retarded, it's a kitchen sink where they just dump shit in. There's a good fantasy kingdom and a bad fantasy kingdom and a pirate place and a ninja place and an Egyptian desert place and a frozen norse place and more. And those responsible for the show managed to create what feels like a cohesive world out of these clashing aesthetics and time periods and cliches and subverted cliches. It's incredible. They took one of a million third rate lolsorandum teehee explosions bootleg Deadpool/Harley Quinn wannabes and created a character leagues better than Harley Quinn ever was, because while a dumb bitch in love with her abuser is sad (and her becoming a "feminist icon of female empowerment" is fucking boring) this broken little girl from a family she broke in a broken world that also broke her first family is even sadder.

I want to put something like that in my story, some kind of super steroid that numbs the mind and soul and enhances the body, something the protagonist's people are forced to take to survive as they're worked to death by the demons in charge. Perhaps a drug that keeps them from developing magic and the capacity to use it to resist, kills their connection to God and the spirits of their ancestors, and stops them from vomiting with disgust at the shit state of the world and hating those responsible. Perhaps a drug that helps them relive happy memories or lucid dream and fantasize isekai escapist rebel-fantasy YA stuff. I don't care if someone writes it off as a ripoff of Shimmer or We Happy Few's Joy or Code Geass's Refrain. There are probably more than a million fantasy drugs out there based on real ones and fantasy drugs designed to represent complex societal problems.
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.352749
352793 353029 353269
>>351931
Forgot to post it here, but Chapter 2 is available if anyone wants to read:
https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/HyWD7YKbi
Anonymous
ed56f0c
?
No.352792
Spoilered
Proofreader said my drug storyline was too dark and the protags should never do drugs willingly if they're going to lead an army against degeneracy.

Beastars definitely mishandles the idea of drugs. We don't give a shit about Riz the Grizzly Bear until he's revealed to be the killer that started this shizophrenic clusterfuck of a plot, and we don't give a shit about the muscle weakening headache inducing drugs he is supposed to take or how honey helps with the symptoms because we don't learn he's supposed to take these pills until after we learn he chose to stop taking them once he formed a relationship with a guy, accidentally injured him by not being on the pills, and ate for rejecting him after the injury. Maybe if all carnivores were forced to take pills like that including carnivores the audience gives a shit about? Or recommended to take these pills to help them fit into herbivore society, and forced to take them or worse ones that destroy their minds and bodies if they ever break the law? The pills could be a metaphor for how society and its lies hold you back. Its military could be allowed to eat meat and reject the pills as a metaphor for how society relies on strong men despite hating them. Its hypocritical police force could be above the pill and meat laws too, perhaps.

Perhaps if the spectre of chemical castration with extra steps always loomed over the heads of all carnivores even the heroes it would have been too dark. But then what's the point in bringing up drugs if you're not going to dark places with them? Fallout made drugs videogame powerups with a cost: Addictions aka stat penalties that go away over time or can be removed if you take the time to take a trip to any doctor and get your addictions cured. The punishment is time loss in games with a time limit. F3 removed the time limit because BugthEAsderp is faggoted and FNV was better without a time limit but despite Fallout Equestria's attempt to make a fucking arc out of Party Time Mint-Als addiction the author wasn't smart enough to do it right himself or well-read enough to rip off someone who did it right.

Zootopia's initial drafts were too dark for Disney. That's how the story goes, but their initial drafts were shit. A society where all carnivores are forced to wear shock collars that taze them for feeling any emotion too strongly, and one foxman makes a theme park where carnivores can take their collars off and ride rollercoasters and enjoy animal themed activities and carnival games? This is too dark AND too divorced from human reality to say anything about human society. Also Judy Hopps seemed like too much of a cunt for thinking the shock collars were necessary and a good idea.

One proofreader said to me "Builders aren't forced to use steroids to keep their jobs over here so you shouldn't exaggerate that in the fantasy world". Is that good advice? Isn't exaggerating everything part of the point of fantasy? The consequences for good and bad deeds become huge, the righteous hero magically objectively proven to be 100% morally pure was chosen by Gods and destiny to do the good deeds ONLY he has what it takes to do, the old bastard landlord in a mansion on the hill becomes a mad tyrannical king or giant evil dragon, and the consequences of the villains winning are easily understood catastrophes like a giant space laser destroying worlds, or a dark wizard draining everybody's life force, or a satanic vampiric buff darkness dragon with a smaller dragon for a dick summoning a horde of undead to kill all life while going mwahahaha.
Anonymous
a228027
?
No.352793
352940 353029 353162 353865
>>352749
https://hackmd.io/eMPfVQ35TVO-4n8dlBefnA

So I like this site you were using and began writing on it myself. Here's what I got so far.
Anonymous
ed56f0c
?
No.352936
>be starving farmer whose produce and profit is mainly stolen by the govt, sometimes have to hunt in the woods without a license to make ends meet
>and be builder forced to make condos and hotels for the elites to fill with rapefugees
>and miner thinking about how what he mines will be misused by the elites, forced to wear a shitty paper mask that does nothing to protect him from the fumes and miner's lung
>and horny gimmicky cafe worker servicing rich cunts, forced to put his dignity aside because you can't eat principles
This is too many jobs, right? He could be forced to do a different one each day because of zero hour contracts but this might be too much to show during a single "regular day" I want to write at the start of the story before the shit hits the fan. It establishes how awful life is before the main plot starts.
Anonymous
5f45809
?
No.352940
>>352793
So I continued and wrote some more stuff.
Anonymous
ed56f0c
?
No.352961
Sueishness is only bad when the specialness of a character gets in the way of telling a story.
There is no such thing as too special, too powerful, too beloved. Only "special and powerful and beloved enough already to get in the way of a story where she becomes special and powerful and loved". The world's ultimate fighter can still star in interesting tales but people will only ask "will he win?" If he fights cheaters or the galaxy's ultimate fighters or the afterlife's even more ultimate fighters or the multiverse's ultimatest fighters. Ma-Rey Sue could have been twice as OP at everything by the end of it and they could have made getting there satisfying if she started off shit at most things or put her in a story where her cheat abilities dont let her cheat, like putting the ultimate soldier in a romcom where violence is never the answer and he doesn't know how to be normal.
You could give a character every sue trait possible and tell a great story with her, or tell a shit story with the most boringly average character imaginable. Terms like antisue and negasue exist with unclear definitions because some people think writing good fiction begins and ends with making the characters inoffensive, so when unsueish characters turn out shit they have to invent words to describe what they cannot explain with existing words. Somebody's subjective opinions of what "too much" looks like isn't the most important thing in the world. Writers shouldn't strive to write inoffensive stories about likeable characters, they should strive to write offensive stories about compelling dimensional fascinating characters. I need to get off my ass and read more manly books for men. Got any recommendations?
Anonymous
ed56f0c
?
No.352975
>write draft where perfect based parents piss the proofreaders off by preaching truth their son already agrees with
>write draft where parents are nice normies who eat their goyslop and are unsupportive of their childs dreams
>proofreaders get more pissed and call them worse parents than Buck Cluck and Hiccups dad at their worst because suddenly the little easily missed ways in which trough-munching piglike normies are FUCKING CUNTS matter
They weren't this pissed when the hero's parents were alcoholic smokers tossing beer bottles at their kids. That was objectively awful parenting but most people were never affected by people that extremely bad IRL. But these parents are realistically not good enough. I think I've struck gold. The hero's parents might work hard for a living but they're still frustratingly wrong about important shit and unwilling to see reason in a realistic way and not just unsupportive of their kids dreams but unsupportive of the existence of budding talents they lack. That part was inspired by my parents hating me for my intelligence only toned down, I expected proofreaders to say "you made them too awful again, tone it down" but it seems the perfect balance has been found. Can't wait to finish and upload it for another round of proofreading.
Anonymous
8160ac6
?
No.353029
353153 353198
>>352749
Hey, GG. Would you check out my story so far and give me your opinion?
>>352793
I'm not asking for a full on review here. Just if you don't mind share your brain with me.
Anonymous
ed56f0c
?
No.353071
353073
>want to put a femboy slut crossdresser maid character in so other characters can call him an unconvincing cosplaying perverted faggot who will never be a woman
>and after the timeskip when everyone else looks older and cooler after years of training and awesome new outfits he looks like a joke because men age differently from women and he will never be a woman
>in the ending where he marries nobody he hangs himself and in all endings where he marries someone he gets himself healed and lives authentically as a normal man, never speaking about his crossdresser phase again
>also find the entire fucking concept so disgusting I don't want to put it in or even mention it
>even though weimar degeneracy is a thing the evil empire does and this man consumed by it but able to recover from it, this man who comes from a town consumed by it, is the best way to show it instead of just telling it to the audience through characters talking at each other about parts of the world I dont want to show onscreen

What do?
Anonymous
c3c213e
?
No.353073
353079
>>353071
Nigel, you're spending way too much of your autism on gay stuff.
Anonymous
ed56f0c
?
No.353079
353117
>>353073
Probably.
But how can the story say "degeneracy bad" if it does not show degeneracy being bad? The hero can't shut down weimar style brothels full of pregnant women if there are no brothels. I want to put as little degeneracy in this as possible. What is the optimal amount?
Anonymous
5e5b821
?
No.353117
353156
>>353079
Saw the first episode of edgerunners. Probably a good place to start?
Anonymous
bf46452
?
No.353153
353156
>>353029
Actually, now when I think about it I'd like anybody's opinion on my craft.
Anonymous
ed56f0c
?
No.353156
353160 353161
>>353117
Edgerunners is aweaome! I want to do something with cyberpunk some day.
What I'm writing takes place in a medieval standard low fantasy world, but industrialization is starting through a type of technology that harnesses magic.
Magic is extremely limited so ir doesn't take over my story and make Gods of anyone, it's just elements crystals that do elemental stuff. Can't "burn away" a person's worries with fire magic or use earth magic to make a man physically or morally stronger, the wizard can't portal people across the continent or send texts or conjure food. It's as hard and scientific as possible, the elemental crystals are basically naturally occuring gemstone batteries for types of power besides electricity. Special rare people canbuse these crystals without hurting themselves, anyone else gets corrupted or blown up unless the crystals were properly inserted into tools anyone can use. The evil regime shoves magic stones into its conscripts to make ugly uniform drugged insane elemental monsters of them, denying them their individuality as they serve villainy, this contrasts with the cool heroes who use tools to enhance what makes them unique and strong.
>>353153
Your writing is good and I can't think of anything smart or helpful to say about it.
>>everyone
Moral protagonists tend to piss people off. How do you get it right?
There are people who couldn't stand Katara or Aang's preaching about their ideals in Avatar. The wise monks who are never wrong say this, Katara the group mom who is only sometimes wrong says that...
And I don't have to tell you people hated Naruto's preaching, believe it. Not to mention Green Naruto 2 (Deku from Hero Academia)
Did people have strong opinions on Luke Skywalker back when he was new? He's probably the most famous example of the typical hero guy and he didn't strike me as preachy.
Protagonists of these adventure stories tend to be fairly stock, standard, sheltered, vanilla, underdogs except not really, usually the straight men compared to way wackier characters, chosen by destiny to not be underdogs, the bridge between the audience and the wider weirder world he learns about and grows in, related to the villain or to people the villains killed.
But when it comes to even the preachiest heroes they were nowhere near as awful as the fanatic insane Littlepip who saw the world in black and white and was ready to open fire at a moment's notice.
Sure, the whole world was like that (like that time 200 year old ghoul Steelhooves killed a security guy for defending his tower from a ghoul horde. Ghoul isn't a race with a culture and creed, it's a symptom of irradiation and insane luck, a skin condition that slows your ageing. This man married Applejack, he has no reason to feel ethnic bonds with wasteland ghouls most likely a tenth of his age or less) but LP was the worst offender except when Calamity or Velvet was.
The protagonist of my story is on a mission to free his homeland from an evil regime of rich Goblins that hate his race and are doing Weimar shit to everyone even the kids. He has to fight members of his race brainwashed into serving the regime and Orcs the Goblins imported to be their thuggish obedient simple minded bodyguards and enforcers and pet barbarian attack dogs.
It would be very easy to accidentally fuck this up.
Forget the gayness, forget the tragic backstories, forget country vs country lore shit that has no influence on the present day. If there is one thing I need to get right, it's violent savior Farmboy McHeroman and his closest friends. And I have no idea where to begin.
Anonymous
9f5a4f9
?
No.353160
>>353156
>I want to do something with cyberpunk some day.
I know a guy who's trying to set up a Shadowrun game, only instead of the Goblinization it's ponification.
Anonymous
bf46452
?
No.353161
>>353156
>Your writing is good and I can't think of anything smart or helpful to say about it.
Thanks. That's okay. Could you tell me what you found good about it?
Anonymous
ed56f0c
?
No.353162
353174
>>352793
You called him Shitick instead of Skitick near the end, was that intentional?
Anonymous
bf46452
?
No.353174
353193
>>353162
No, good catch. It's just a placeholder name until I can come up with a better one.

I usually mesh two words together to form a name. Skinny+Thick=Skitick. Imo, leopards and big cats are kinda skinny on certain areas of their bodies but their fur, tail, and limbs are thick.
Anonymous
ed56f0c
?
No.353193
>>353174
Oh, cool. My placeholder names are boring and utilitarian. HeroGuy, Princess Name, BookGirl, Horse, Boss1, Boss2, and so on.
I must be certain not to give the hero any hypocritical moments. That retarded moment when LP considered it shockingly wrong for Steelhooves to kill someone who (i think?) tried to kill his wife Applejack but was fine with him killing security chief ghoul-hater and telling the radio girl "tell the tower chief security man died a hero" and was fine with all of her own killings was really homosexual. She'd even shoot fleeing enemies in the back and she'd never try things the nice way first, it was always kill or steal or manipulate. Her transition from nobody to violent fanatic "willing to be seen as the villain of the piece" wasn't believable and she had no reason to give herself the quest to violently end slavery. She wasn't an escaped slave trying to free a friend taken upstairs as a pleasure slave by the CEO of slavery the hero would have to kill, she didn't incite a slave rebellion and kill the boss and lead an exodus to an ex-slave rehabilitation camp she would then have to save from waves of enemy assault. She was just a bored god in a mindless toybox with less depth than Kkat's fake troonhole.
My protagonist should be slower to start killing... Right? On one hand the villains he fights are worse people than anyone LP ever fought. And he is often put into kill or be killed situations. The hero's a smart guy but you can't talk an Orc into raising his IQ or a Goblin into being kind. Even if rehabilitating them was possible it won't unrape their victims. What would happen if you "rehabilitated" them and released them into society only for survivors of their attacks to see them? "Hey, that's the Orc who raped and ate my wife!" Says a good man, killing the Orc. What then? Does he go to jail and have gang rapist Orcs for cellmates? There is no political solution. Exporting them lets them take their bullshit home to the shithole continents they are from and come back if your descendants ever forget what they did, putting them in work camps lets them begin paying reparations to the races they have harmed even though what they owe can never be repaid, and killing them all with a Wish spell performed with the Holy Grail solves the Orc and Goblin problems.
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.353198
353199
>>353029
>Hey, GG. Would you check out my story so far and give me your opinion?
Sure, I'll take a look when I get a chance.
Anonymous
3a97038
?
No.353199
>>353198
Nice. Thanks.
Anonymous
1f3e696
?
No.353269
353270 353345
>>352749
This chapter had much more descriptive prose than the one before it. I like the way you paced it. You didn't try to force everything down in one go. I have a tendency to try to get everything I want to include in one sentence. You gave everything just the right amount of focus, imo.
You described the differences between the technology in Equestria and our world. Your explanations were reasonable.
Anonymous
1f3e696
?
No.353270
353345
>>353269
I also like the world building part when you described Canterlot's layout.
On a sidenote, I remember posting that image in your thread once. Maybe that's where you saw it first.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353285
353297 353354
>while hero is working his mom reads his diary and reacts to it so I can infodump a shitton of hero's past on the audience seamlessly
Is this genius or retarded?
Anonymous
84c810f
?
No.353297
353298
>>353285
Personally, I've never enjoyed reading or writing info dumps and prefer to include character development as the story continues, even for main character(s). The concept of the diary is a solid, but don't overdo it with a mountain of exposition and description.
The line is more or less up to you, but a more experienced writer here would probably have better advice for you than me.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353298
353354
>>353297
I only get one chance to show a normal day or two in the protag's life before shit hits the fan and he can't go back to his normal life. So I want to include everything now but that's probably a bad idea. Perhaps I should only cover stuff that would feel unnatural to be brought up later in casual conversation or arguments, and stuff that needs to be understood now before scenes make sense when they happen.
Anonymous
a3eae0c
?
No.353344
353354
Avatar: The Last Airbender was an optimistic whitepilled show where every race had something good to say about it, even the villains. The Fire Nation was power, ambition, ferocity, and in the most important fire nation characters this was explored. Zuko had to find what was good in himself, and what was good in fire. The villains were too ambitious, too greedy, manipulative, corrupt, vicious, aggressive, cruel, destructive. The virtues in other nations could be corrupted, too. Earth Kingdom people were strong and enduring, but they could be arrogant and foolish and stubborn like the Earth King, and that guy who wanted Aang to trigger the Avatar State now and charge before he was ready. The Air Nomads were carefree monks detatched from worldly concerns, look how well that worked out for them. Even the Water Tribe, adaptable and loving, wasn't immune to corruption. That old bloodbender woman was motivated for vengeange by love of those lost, she was a dark reflection of Katara.
This simple kiddie story in a three season cartoon says more about virtues and people than Failout Equestria thinks it does in six gorillion words of overly edgy pony violence. The story says the only valuable form of loyalty, honesty, kindness, and so on are to show these things to Littlepip and her allies alone. A mercenary is called corrupted loyalty until she embraces absolute servitude to Littlepip. A propagandist liar living in luxury is called honesty for praising Littlepip while a cheese seller who kills himself so Littlepip will feel guilty and have to find his family a new home is called corrupted honesty.
My story's too black and white right now, a proof reader said to me. Too much "My race and my ways good, their race and their ways bad". Obviously the enemy is evil, there's nothing redeemable about rapist orcs or goblin swindlers, that's as factual as the existence of space. But I should add some other groups or other races, good ones the hero gets on his side to help him slay his enemies because the villains screwed them all over in different ways and they'll all be better off without Orcs and Goblins.

One proofreader suggested I say the bland customizable reader self insert player character is literally the player of the game sent by God to save this world and its people, calling saving and reloading a time power you were granted as the chosen one to ensure the rightful hero protagonist saves the world from the god of darkness and makes it how the god of goodness says it should be. That seems too simplistic, would audiences respond well to that?
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.353345
353346 353793
Spoilered
Spoilered
>>353269
Thanks. One of the things I've become much more conscious of since I started doing reviews is how much general information I ought to give the reader, and when it's appropriate to spoonfeed it to them. On the one hand you don't want to infodump, but on the other hand sometimes you just need to convey information in order to explain your setting. It's particularly tricky with a story like this, where a very blatantly non-MLP-style character is being juxtaposed into Equestria. If I take Marlowe too far out of his original element he won't be able to be Marlowe anymore, but at the same time I can't just have a 1940s hard-boiled detective inexplicably wandering around pastel ponyland drinking and swearing and smoking cigarettes, no matter how hilarious the idea might be. The scenario has to be at least somewhat plausible, so if I want him to be able to drink and smoke and so forth there needs to be some kind of in-world explanation for how he is able to procure things like whiskey and cigarettes; if he's going to be dealing with crime and the seamy underbelly of things, it needs to be a seamy underbelly that works for an MLP-style setting. Basically, I want Philip Marlowe in Equestria to be able to behave more or less the way he would in an ordinary Philip Marlowe story, but still have everything make sense within the context of the MLP setting.

The business with phones was actually something I wound up putting quite a bit of thought into (possibly far more than was necessary). Since the main character is going to be doing a lot of communicating back and forth, making reports and getting hold of suspects and so on, the question of what sort of communication methods he has to work with is a very important detail that needs to be settled early. If he has a phone, or something like a phone, at his disposal it makes things much easier on me, but at the same time it's debatable whether phones could or should exist in Equestria.

Fortunately, this fandom is full of turbo-autists who obsessively research and endlessly debate this sort of thing, so I was able to dig up the two images I attached. The basic nerd-debate over phones in Equestria is that on the one hand, images like these prove that phones canonically exist in the world; however, there is also a conspicuous lack of wires and poles, so there is some question as to how they work. The explanation I came up with is basically this: phones are embedded-magic devices that can directly communicate with one another and don't require the user to have any magical ability. However, the connection between two devices has to be made manually by a unicorn (or other spell-casting creature), since determining which two phones specifically are to be connected would require an act of conscious will. So, Equestria's phone company employs unicorn operators. When you pick up a phone, the embedded spell connects automatically to the nearest operator, you tell the operator who you want to call, and she casts a spell to connect your phone to the other pony's. In other words, the phone system in Equestria is comparable to the way phones used to work before automated switching was a thing, so it's more or less comparable to what Marlowe would be accustomed to already. Thus, Marlowe can be transposed into a version of Equestria that is similar enough to the world he knows that he can live there without having to radically reimagine his life; basically like moving to another country as opposed to moving to an alien planet (even though technically it is an alien planet). At the same time, I have an explanation for the similarities that doesn't require deviating significantly from the MLP canon.

Obviously, I don't want to just dump all of this information onto the reader; it's enough to simply inform them that phones exist in Equestria and provide a simple explanation of how they work (tl;dr it's magic and I ain't gotta explain shit). Technical details can be revealed if and when they become relevant, and I've got a complete explanation I can roll out in the event that anyone asks. I'm actually rather proud of this autism I came up with. Imo this is the proper way to handle cross-universe world-building, as opposed to something like: "the PipBuck exists in my setting because the PipBoy exists in the thing I'm ripping off; here is ten fucking paragraphs of technical specs."

>>353270
>I remember posting that image in your thread once. Maybe that's where you saw it first.
I think you probably did, I know that I found that image here somewhere and I think it was posted in one of my threads. In any event it's a great image; as I said I've been wanting to set a story in that version of Canterlot ever since I first saw it.
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.353346
>>353345
Not sure why those images were spoilered, I didn't think I spoilered them. Whatever, though.
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.353354
353417
>>353285
>Is this genius or retarded?
It's impossible to say one way or the other without more information. How much is a "shitton?" If you're talking two, maybe three normal-sized paragraphs of whittled-down story-relevant information it's probably fine; if you're using this as an excuse to dump the character's entire biography on the reader at once it's probably not a good idea.

>>353298
Again, without knowing the details of what you're doing specifically I can't say yea or nay on whether it's good, but a couple of things jump out at me here:

>I only get one chance to show a normal day or two in the protag's life before shit hits the fan and he can't go back to his normal life.
Why exactly are you limited by this time frame? If the story is focused on specific events happening in the present and you don't have time for a long preamble, then you probably need to think long and hard about how important this backstory info really is.

>So I want to include everything now but that's probably a bad idea.
If this is what your gut instinct is telling you, it's probably worth listening to, or at least analyzing to see why it is your instinct is pulling you in this direction.

Again, since I don't know exactly what you have in mind I can't really say whether your idea is good or not, but here's what my gut instinct is telling me, based on past experience reading your work. My suspicion is that this is probably another "Silver Star's Magic Skateboard" moment, where you have a massive amount of detailed information that you feel needs to be conveyed to the reader, but probably a lot of what you consider essential isn't really all that essential. Offhand, I'm guessing a lot of it is stuff that could probably be pared down or even omitted. However, if all of it is actually essential, then you may have problems with how you're structuring the story. If the reader needs more information about the MC's backstory for the story to make sense or for the character to be sympathetic, you may want to reconsider this hyper-condensed "three days until SHTF" timeline you've set up. Can you start the story any earlier, or slow down the pacing to give the reader more time to learn about the MC's past? If so, then maybe you should consider just doing that. If you can't, then you'll probably have to trim the MC's backstory down to just the essentials and make peace with killing a few of your babies. You can either drop some ballast and make the ship go faster, or you can hold on to everything and prepare for a longer and slower voyage, but usually you can't have both.

>>353344
>My story's too black and white right now, a proof reader said to me. Too much "My race and my ways good, their race and their ways bad".
If you want to avoid being too black and white, the thing to do is to try and understand your villains from their own perspective, rather than from yours or from your hero's. What do your villains believe in, if anything? What motivates them? Why are they doing whatever it is they're doing? You don't have to justify it or make them sympathetic; you can still present them as evildoers. The thing is, though, nobody wakes up in the morning and says "today I'm going to be a dick to this one guy, because I'm evil and mwahahahaha." Anyone who does anything has a reason for doing it. It doesn't have to be a good reason or a just reason, it just has to make sense from the perspective of that character, taking into account his motivations and his personality.

>Obviously the enemy is evil, there's nothing redeemable about rapist orcs or goblin swindlers, that's as factual as the existence of space.
This right here is exactly how you shouldn't be thinking about this. Forget about good and evil for a moment, and imagine yourself in the position of one of these orcs or goblins. Who are these creatures? What motivates them to do what they do? Even if they're just dumb, simple, mean-spirited creatures motivated by base impulses, they aren't wind-up toys; they have at least some level of autonomy, and thus their acts of rape and swindling are conscious acts they carried out of their own freewill. If not, then your villains are basically just wild animals, and unless you're writing a survival story about humans facing giant sharks or killer lions, wild animals don't make for especially interesting adversaries.

In the case of your goblins and orcs, their motivations are probably selfish and petty: rape is an act of control driven by a combination of base lust and a desire to dominate and humiliate an enemy. Either you're directly dominating and humiliating the object of your hatred by raping it, or you're dominating and humiliating them by proxy, ie by raping your enemy's wife or daughter. Swindling is similar: it can be motivated by something as simple as callous greed ("I want to make a profit and I don't care about how it harms this person") or, again, as a means of domination or humiliation by proxy ("I hate those tricksy hobbitses, so I'm going to run a scam on them and cheat them out of their hard-earned shekels").

If you want compelling, interesting "bad guy" characters, it's better to have them motivated by something more compelling and interesting than simple, base impulses like "I'm horny and I won't take no for an answer" or "I need beer money and this retard looks like he'd fall for this dumb scam I cooked up." So, it's probably better to go with the desire to dominate and humiliate an enemy as motivation. In this case, you need to think about the source of these feelings of enmity. Why do your orcs and goblins hate your hero, or your hero's race? There's always a reason; maybe it involves misconstruing some perceived injury to justify whatever it is their baser impulses want to do anyway. "My ancestors were slaves 200 years ago, so I have every right to set this complete stranger's car on fire, steal his TV and rape his wife in front of him." That sort of thing.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353417
>>353354
I'm going with realistic stuff for the orcs and goblins. Goblins are inherently narcissistic petty inbred freaks raised to think they're chosen ones destined for greatness, then they look around and see humble heroic whites building everything, maintaining everything, being the hosts parasitic goblins rely on. They see goblins wear wigs and bleach their skin and get surgery to look more like whites and they hate it. They were told to see us as inferior to be good little Goblins, but they can't because we're clearly not. "Good" Goblins who abandon the tribe and try to wake people up about the Goblin menace don't exist. Any goblin who wanted to betray the tribe would risk being killed or arrested by the goblins just like humans. And worse, if he wasn't killed or arrested, he would lose his goblin privileges in the goblin system and have to live like a human and survive on his own merits. No Goblin is worth as much as a human and deep down these parasites know they'd be nothing without the heroes the goblins hate for saving goblins. Goblins have this ritual where they get a farm animal and stone it to death while blaming it for all their sins. They rely on their betters to work for them and the last time they had to do manual labour they claim it killed them.

There are some "Good" exploding goatfuckers who don't blow up hospitals and instead find a comfortable existence in goatfucker communities paid by the Goblin with human money to move to the first world and take up space and breed. They abuse their women and force their ways onto their offspring when they arent forcing themselves on human kids. The ones who dont rape and dont explode but still play damage control for those who do while robbing the nation that houses and feeds them is the closest to "good" any goat can get aside from the ones who reject their religion openly and get death threats for it instead of doing what most do and pretend to follow their religion while privately ignoring all the parts they don't like. The goat religion worships a rapey subversive thieving barbarian warmonger who has child brides and thinks the sun sets on earth in a muddy spring to "get shiny". Something is fundamentally missing in the brains of Goblins that keeps them from empathizing with others. Goats come here to replace humans and live under a gentler tier of goblin rule than humans because it is so much easier than blowing up goblins and goblin places for taking over land the goats stole from the humans in the first place.

Orcs are savage beasts and to call them gorillas would insult every well behaved zoo gorilla, especially those who were taught sign language. They were tribes in mud huts killing and enslaving each other for generations until we ended the slave trade, but the Goblins who owned the slave trade and slave ships blamed the whites working on these boats for the entire slave trade. There were barely 4 million slaves in the Solar Empire back when Goblins running it did trade booze and weapons and drugs for orcnogs, but there are over 8 million slaves today in the Orc homeland of Orcia and Orcs don't give a shit about that when there are tvs to steal from whitey. The nicest thing anyone can do with all of these genetic failures is to send them to a place where they can't hurt themselves or others, like work camps or continents they don't mind completely giving up on. Understanding other perspectives is great and all but once you understand how wrong these perspectices are where do you go from here? Send the better educated and more intelligent (in comparison) whiteland Orcs and halfOrcs and quarterOrcs back to Orcia so they can try to make the world's first black nation that doesn't become a failed state depending on white handouts in record time?

The heroes are going to be humans or canine wolfmen who are basically humans. Modern audiences love nonhumans more than humans after all plus I enjoy drawing furries and I want the heroes to have cool animal powers. I should add other heroic countries to turn to the heros side, nations of bird people and fish people and snake people and horse people with their own ideologies and values.

Avatar would have felt too black and white if the only elements were the good Water Tribe and the evil Fire Nation. Fire is ambition and malice and harm, water is love and family and healing. It needed the Earth Kingdom and Air Nomads and good Fire Nation members to provide balance and other perspectives. There needed to be scenes where Water Tribe and Air Nomad people were clever, the show needed smart schemers like Azula to balance out evil hotheads like Zhao, the show needed Long Feng the manipulative Fire Nation style Earth Kingdom schemer obsessed with control and stability and he needed to lose to Azula. But when I look at what Avatar did with the Fire Nation I don't see how I can do the same. Zuko was banished for speaking out of turn at a military meeting, objecting to a cruel dishonourable tactic, and refusing to fight his own father in a duel. Not for objecting to the war itself. He and his mom still laughed at pre-redemption Iroh's "joke" about burning Ba Sing Se. They're good people but at this point they are still very Fire Nation. Seeing the good in other nations and himself was part of his growth. Book 2 Zuko in that Earth Kingdom village came a long way from the bratty prince who called Katara a peasant. Fire doesn't have to be destructive, it can be righteous fury, it can be holy and spiritual, it can be life. But the Rape Ape orcs and exploding goat fuckers and Goblin swindlers aren't fire, they're darkness, they're rot. What good thing could they do for others? Help the heroes take down an even worse threat I made up? I couldn't imagine anything worse than them if I had a gun to my head.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353453
353455 353545
Is it retarded for me to literally invent good minorities and countries that can be our allies in our struggle for survival, or is it a smart writing choice that lets me make the world feel more fleshed out and lived in than "good place vs evil place and nothing matters beyond that"? I'm having a lot of fun drawing bird people and their weird bird people places.
Anonymous
a840e93
?
No.353455
353458 353517
>>353453
>Is it retarded for me to literally invent good minorities and countries that can be our allies in our struggle for survival
Yes.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353458
>>353455
It's a break from reality to have more countries than just the Light ones and Dark ones and ones that don't matter to their fight but it seems like a necessary one, like glossing over the logistical nightmare of preparing for a voyage across the ocean and the day to day mundanity of life on a weeks long intercontinental boat trip. I should add Fire people, Ice people, Water people, Plant people, maybe Earth and Air and Lightning people, interesting places in this fantasy world full of interesting people to save from the darkness.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353517
>>353455
Sorry if it seems like I'm only asking these questions so I can ignore your answer. That's not my intention, I promise. While my insecurity compelled me to ask "Is this retarded?" because it's an idea I thought of, I don't see what's retarded about it.
Worst case scenario, it detracts from the awesomeness of the hero as an individual and maybe also ruins the message by making the heroes of this tale only able to accomplish their goal of defeating darkness by relying on people we cannot rely on to help us defeat darkness because they don't exist in our world.
But I have ruined previous stories I worked on by asking myself "Will this make the hero cooler?" instead of "Will this improve the story?" and I think it will improve the story if there were more nations in this world than just the Light Nation the heroes must save and the Dark Horde invading them from Darkland.
Anonymous
9f5a4f9
?
No.353545
353550
>>353453
It's only retarded if you make it retarded, but the amount of consideration you seem to be giving it sounds like it might be retarded.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353550
353551
>>353545
How is that what decides whether it is retarded?
Anonymous
9f5a4f9
?
No.353551
353566
>>353550
It's just a hunch. The way you're asking about it suggests that you may feel it's retarded. If it feels retarded, it's retarded.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353566
353570
>>353551
I'm putting bird people in my story. Examples of the hero's goodness inspires loyalty in the good and loathing in the evil. Bird people, fish people, they all love the hero and his people.
Anonymous
37d1666
?
No.353570
353584
Wow! Snide Glimmer!.jpeg
>>353566
Satanic Dubs Nigel, you're always asking questions for (You)s, but have you made any steps towards writing your stories yet? Is the memory of Glim Gland's Grand Gaping Gala of Gay adventures still haunting you?
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353584
>>353570
The game is playable but 40% placeholder sprites and placeholder dialogue while I continue working. Intro still feels too long and devoid of action even after I decided the intro should feature three ordinary days in the hero's life before shit hits the fan.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353695
>bee girl joins party because she realized the Goblins replaced her hive's Queen Bee with a Wasp ensuring the worker Bees will be outbred and replaced no matter how hard they work
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353755
353762
>hero watches a documentary on history relevant to his people and world then makes it a YTP using a magic computer for fun to justify why he would watch a documentary on something he already knows
Or
>protagonist as a boy watches a documentary while his parents argue about money and politics in the background
Or
>hero goes to a cinema and watches a documentary with his girlfriend then rants to her about all the historical inaccuracies up to and including hiring Orcs to play important figures from his history, even though Orcs burn down theatres that do the reverse to Orcs and Orc characters.
Or
>one of hero's friends runs an illegal pirate radio station to give speeches about why rebellion is good and what the government is lying about this week
Or
>hero saves a library from monsters and is rewarded with a history book he reads in the next scene
Or
>hero is a child and his grandma redpills him on the jews and orcs with a history book, son reads it himself later when she dies and finds it is full of anti-his people propaganda, revisionist history demonizing his people, granny told him the real story she lived through because she wanted him to know the truth
Or
>hero tells his new amnesiac friend about all the history the aforementioned scenes would cover

Which is the best way to explain why the black Orcs hate us and the Goblins are to blame for this brutal irrational world we live in?
Anonymous
0eeb02c
?
No.353762
353763
>>353755
>In which way should I introduce my infodump? A, B, C...
Just don't have an infodump. GG agrees, infodumps are boring. Why do you feel the need to do it this? Like do it if you really want to but know that I would get bored by a huge infodump explaining this whole world universe. This is the reason I had such a struggle to move past the first pages of the Fellowship of the ring.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353763
353784
>>353762
My story has stuff that's too complicated to cover in the one minute or less between gameplay segments I'm aiming for. Sure there are optional conversations where each pair of playable characters get three scenes of conversation each but how the hell do I casually work "And now I will tell you the story of my nation's birth, rise, and fall, and also my life's story" into those? Plus, I can't work this into those because they're optional and I have no guarantee everyone will see enough of them to understand the setting and conflict. I guess I could do a Mass Effect style "Monsterpedia" that explains each enemy type and also infodumps the backstory of the world, the central conflict, and each character onto players who care. But that feels inauthentic. How often do good books dump that shit in the back after the main story?
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353781
>be construction yard worker
>have tough horsegirl fren to contrast all the weak bitches and smart girl fren to contrast all the dumb bitches
>all three are here because this corrupt society doesn't want their kind doing what they are good at
>work for hours straight together and eventually get a break
>ignore comments from managers of managers of assistant managers and useless girls who sat around drinking tea together all day when you were working
>read historical fiction about life in an era important to the story later, rest head on table and fantasize about being in it
>combat level ensues even though shit hasn't hit the fan yet
>get to write funny awful dialogue for the fantasy segment probably
I fucking love narcolepsy. Any time I feel the need to squeeze more backstory in to explain a thing or squeeze more violence in because I fear people are getting bored the hero can pass out and relive a moment from his past or kill a hundred orcs in dreamland.

>be at library with frens
>search for good book to give to amnesiac fren
>this is represented in gameplay as a sudden fight with propaganda books that fly off the shelves to attack you
This moment feels a bit too divorced from reality. The hero isn't supposed to see shit that isn't there. This feels too videogamey. Unless the books are actually enchanted to attack as a form of defense against thoughtcrimers seeking out books in the forbidden section this probably shouldn't be here, right?
Anonymous
6890474
?
No.353784
353785
>>353763
>How often do good books dump that shit in the back after the main story?
Sure, but how often do good books dump their whole backstory at the begining? Like, it can work. Like, I listen to the audiobook of Path of the Jedi and that's all lore and shit. However, I was already invested in that universe. Again LOTR The Fellowship of The Ring starts with an infodump on hobbiton. It's hard to get through but you do because you know it's a good story.
I just think those infodumps of your stories are boring and when I think about it, it's always been those blocks of texts that kills your stories for me, more than anything else.

You do you though.
Anonymous
6890474
?
No.353785
353791
>>353784
On that note, you have paced out your exposition before. Two stories come to mind: The one where twi and RD are lesing out (or something (I don't remember)) and the one where twi and spike talks about how being a princess and her new crystal castle is awkward.
There plot happened yet nuggets of backstory came through in waves. Do that instead.

You don't even have to do it organically -- things doesn't have to be explained through subtle hints nor characters' dialogue. Just Cut your infordump paragraph into pieces and then insert those pieces into your plot just before the reader needs them to know what is going on.
Anonymous
2b19be3
?
No.353791
353792
>>353785
Those fimfics relied on the audience's familiarity with ponyland to understand the world and care about the characters for the duration of very short stories. I have to do a lot more if I want people to care about these fictional people and their plight without coming away from it saying retarded shit like "The heroes shouldn't've killed anyone and the Empire from Star Wars did nothing wrong aside from blowing up planets I didnt care about for not submitting, because I didnt see them doing enough evil shit to get me emotionally invested in their downfall". Even though they're a simplistic childish nazi germany allegory that lost a jungle war to prehuman savages in space vietnam like americans and work with fat jew mob bosses like Jabba the Hut aka jewed americans and follows the Tolkien-Orc Genghis Khan and Independence Day Aliens inspired "inhuman monsters conquering and spreading like a cancer until the leader is killed" trope exactly.

Proofreaders are complaining about the story's sudden frontloading of bleak darkness before the heroes start to rebel and make the world a better place. This would be so much easier if the villain was a god of darkness or nature sick of humanity's shit worshipped by Grimleal fanatics and convinced her globohomo ecocommunist global reset into a new world of wild animals and helpless servile slaves was the best thing to do, opposed by the god of light and knowledge and humanity and other white things and his loyal follower from the objectively good fantasy kingdom of niceness.
Anonymous
6890474
?
No.353792
353811
>>353791
>I have to do a lot more if I want people to care about these fictional people and their plight without coming away from it saying retarded shit like
Ehh, do you? I think simple characters can be fairly memorable and likeable. You don't need to flesh out everything about a character in one go neither do you need to establish the entire world and it's history in one go.
But sure, you have a point. But again, I don't see why you can't space this out.

Tbh, I can sort of sense what you want to have in this story. You scene where the main character discover the nature of the world he exists in. Bascially, you want your mc to get redpilled. Also, that the truth he finds is essentially the truth we find ourselves in since I get the feeling that your fictional universe is equivalent to our universe.

So it goes without saying that you want to establish the world before mc get redpilled and start to see through the veil. Then after this you want the plot to kick in. That's the feeling I get from you.

Try to slow down. You need the scenes where your main character goes through his daily routines, which establishes the wrongness of the world he exists in.

But I get this feeling that you want this for a game? A fighting game? If so, I suggest you take a note from Tekken 4: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_t6eQxyOtc&ab_channel=LordCloudStrife
Keep it concise and focused. The shortness is of deep value. Probably a focus on motivation and plot.
Anonymous
6890474
?
No.353793
353865
>>353345
So I'm eagerly waiting for your opinion (If you still feel up for it) on my piece and your next chapter in the muffindetective saga.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353811
>>353792
A fighting game style intro could wok, nice. Have you seen playthroughs of Fire Emblem games where they don't skip the level intro and level outro cutscenes, any mid level cutscenes, or mid level text boxes here and there? That's the story to gameplay ratio I am aiming for.
The FE series has its archetypes, ideas that keep coming back, ans usually there's a Jagen. A player character OP early on that drops off in power rapidly to punish the player for relying on it. An elderly veteran warrior, typically a man on horseback, who won't get much stronger during combat. The storyline might even kill the Jagen off automatically to symbolically remove your safety net. But to have this safety net in the first place early on just doesn't fit the tone of my game. I could give the protags some kind of Master Splinter character standing around watching the heroes and stepping in only if they're fucked but early on they're alone and without allies or hope. They have to become hope.
in Fates, the Jagen was a Dragonstone weapon for the protag, a stat boosting weapon in a category that doesnt gain weapon skill exp on use in a game where weapon exp is important. Already gave my character a unique attack to fulfill that purpose. And a blinding attack. And an aoe ally buff. I'll never know if the dragonstone was designed that way first before the 3 sides to fight on were conceptualized and it would be harder to give the players self insert a Jagen or vice reversa. Maybe it was an accident, both sides have a designated strong guy: Xander and Ryona.

Seems the best Jagen characters provide utility to their party beyond the option to erase enemies and their exp rewards from the map, which is something you'll ideally want to do as little as possible. Could heal or strengthen allies somehow, increase exp or weapon exp gain for adjacent allies, could weaken enemies, could rescue and ferry units around like a taxi with his mount, could deal low damage to enemies while surviving counterattacks your weaker units couldnt to get those units ready to earn the kill, could block chokepoints with his high DEF and HP better than your armoured knight while probably also lacking his weakness to magic.

To combine the best of these into one unit I'd make a tough flying horse-riding healer who fights using Shields and Light Magic, light magic is great for healing and buffing your guys and weakening enemies while elemental and dark magic focus more on battle, his class skill makes him unable to kill enemies(they survive with 1hp and therefore cannot have ther exp wasted on the jagen) and whose personal skill buffs adjacent ally exp and weapon exp gain. He can't Dance (spend your turn making an ally able to move twice this turn) but he can still support. The optimized perfect jagen in character form dedicated to supporting, not outshining, his alles. One of these days, I should make Shitpost Emblem where the Jagen is a Dancer and the Lord rejects combat to become a Healer and they have to rely on comically awful companions kicked out of other FE games for being too shit. Comedy gold because that's not normal for titty chess games with their super serious plots and generic hero guys and gruff OP old man friends.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353834
Had this idea where the hero joins a rebellion that helps him with the fighting. He sacrifices himself to let his friends escape when a mission goes bad, allowing himself to be captured alive.
He surrenders to the enforcers that beat him senseless before dragging him into a police van.
He is subjected to injustices and abuses many real whites have faced in this system, in the courtroom and when being held waiting for trial.
He is put on trial, where those who knew him and loved him beg for his life only to be silenced and abused by the horde whipped into a frenzy out for white blood. These people aren't willing to kill Goblins so they can't save him, begging a demon to see reason and do the right thing is like begging the rain not to fall. Those who never met him are given a platform to preach absurd slander about him. The propaganda doesn't have to be convincing to convince those who want to be convinced. His own lawyer was chosen by the state to betray him and the judge is a smug antiwhite jew who loves his villainous pseudointellectual speeches. The hero might even be accused of killing six million goblins somehow though that might be going too far.
The hero thinks to himself, these normies among the crowd are the people he wanted to save from the enemy they serve. What was the point? He thinks of all the people he saved fighting, and remembers why he fought. He remembers all the people who died fighting, and wished he was invincible. Wished he was a chosen one granted by god the strength to break these chains and burn every goblin here with holy fire.
If someone asked you to draw emptiness, would you draw an empty box, or something else defined by the absence of what should be there? You know emptiness when you see it, even if you can't clearly define it. The same is true for justice. Countless men could argue over what it means to do good, but they would all agree this fallen empire isn't justice.
He is eventually sentenced to public execution, also known as a show trial where the truth doesn't matter followed by one or more life sentences in prisons designed to torture, to kill, to strip you of your rights and house you among the worst people imaginable for being a bigger threat to the ruling class than any of them could ever be. They would call for an axe to take his head off if they felt merciful. They don't feel merciful. They want him in a box to be tortured slowly and made into a spectacle.
There is no justice in this system.
He is eventually freed by the rebellion but the shit he sees should shake the naivete and mercy out of him, and remind him it is victory or death. I'm just not sure how hard I want to go with this scene/story arc. Too much darkness would break the audience's spirit. Too much realism would make them call this reality inspired work of fiction unrealistic. Up until this point the hero has been a boy scout. He started out empty and hopeless but then he started learning the right ideology for the first time like a man learning to hope for the first time, unlearning all the lies taught to him about his people. In early drafts he already knew everything and had no way to grow and was the educator who helped others learn the truth, changing that and making him this vulnerable hurt human guy doing his best to do the right thing, taking this innocent soul and making him learn the truth as he does good in a society that hates good was the secret ingredient I needed.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.353865
353866 353888
unknown (3).png
>>352793
>>353793
First off, I should probably note that there's still quite a bit of the usual ESL and grammar issues in here that I usually comment on. There isn't significantly more or less of it than in the last thing of yours that I read, so I'm not really going to spend much time going through any of that, but it is still noticeable. You might want to consider running your pieces through Grammarly or something similar before posting them, as it might help with readability. There are some free alternatives you can use as well:
https://www.grammarlookup.com/grammarly-alternatives/

Anyway, grammar and spelling aside, the overall quality of this is pretty good. It's a very action-heavy scene, so descriptions of physical space and the positioning of characters in relation to each other is important. The scene was easy to visualize, and your descriptions are simple and focused on the important details. Anon is green and wears baggy pants, the minotaur has a muscular physique incidentally, in your text you have it spelled as "physic", this is the sort of error that Grammarly could help correct, the alligator walks on hind legs and wears armor over his belly. Spatial descriptions are similar: the setting is an arena, the audience is a group of "demi-humans," what exactly this means is not made immediately clear, but presumably it will become clearer as the story proceeds, audience members in the front row are armed and allowed to attack the combatants if they try to escape. We can immediately visualize the setting and the characters from what you give us, as well as make some inferences about Anon's situation. Description in this is short and to the point, focusing on essential details while moving the story along quickly. This is a good way to approach writing this sort of thing. There are also some minor details you include in here, like the alligator's tail making a line in the sand as he walks, that help to flesh out the scene. Nice job there.

This is good too:

>Anon looked puzzled but then felt his back hit something. He whirled around and found that he’d walked into one of the only corners the arena had. The walls were circular but the gates one enter through protruded and between their frames and the walls of the ring where corners.
The line about corners made me raise an eyebrow, since I was fairly sure you established that the arena was round, but you immediately clarify what you meant. What's more, you manage to succinctly explain it in a single brief sentence, without deviating off into a long spaghetti-paragraph about a minor detail. You're learning to anticipate these things and deal with them before the reader asks; nice job here as well.

That said, there are a few issues:

>He felt the breath of Crocs’ jaws on his neck as he finished his roll. He grabbed the tail and hurled himself out of harms’ way while tossing the tail up in the air of where he just had been.
>He saw how Crocs bit into his tail and spun. A terrible crack was heard and Anon knew he had won.
The description here is a bit vague. I'm assuming what happens is that Crocs tries to bite anon, but Anon ducks under his jaws, vaults his tail, grabs the tail, and then uses it to throw Crocs, and then somehow the tail ends up in Crocs's mouth. Either that or he somehow forces the tail into the lizard's mouth and makes him bite it. However, that's just my assumption, it's not 100% clear what's going on here. This bit should be rewritten to make it a little more clear what's happening.

>Statled, Anon jumped back from crocs large maw that lay next to his feets. Crocs leapt again, this time a shorter distance since he had been lying down.
Was Crocs lying down? There is no mention of him changing his posture to this position, yet this passage suggests we should already have this information. The last time we heard about Crocs, he was standing on his hind legs. What I'm assuming you meant is that Crocs dropped into a crouching or lying position in order to attack, but you skip the part where he actually does this. It would be a significant detail if the character were an ordinary human, and it's even more significant if he's supposed to be a half-man half-crocodile. An actual crocodile walks on four legs, but a half-crocodile presumably doesn't. It's important that the reader know what they are supposed to be imagining, so you want to be clear on details like this. Also, while Anon can't be statled, he can certainly be startled, and "feet" is already plural, so you don't need to add an 's'. Here, let me post that link again for you:
https://www.grammarlookup.com/grammarly-alternatives/

>The rest of the pant’s leg tore apart up to the waist, revealing Anon’s green thights.
"Thights" is just another spelling error, but in this case it's a little more of a big deal because it looks like you could be misspelling two different words, either of which could make sense in this context: thighs or tights. Since you've already established that Anon is green, I'm assuming you mean that the alligator ripped Anon's pants and revealed his green thigh. However, it's also plausible that Anon could be wearing green tights under his pants though that might look a little gay tbh. You have to be careful about things like this. Also, "pant's leg" implies that the leg belongs to a pant, and I'm not familiar with any such animal, nor was one mentioned in the scene. I'm assuming you meant "pants leg." Here, let me post that link again for you:
https://www.grammarlookup.com/grammarly-alternatives/

>Anon’s eyes were huge but then he force anger into his eyes.
>He ripped the ground with his claws in blind furry.
>He dragged his hand along his exposed tighe as he remebered the force that ripped his pants asunder.
One last time, let me post that link for you:
https://www.grammarlookup.com/grammarly-alternatives/
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.353866
353888
2022-10-13.png
>>353865

Anyway, I'm liking the story itself so far too. The scene is a fairly straightforward arena-match between the standard Anon character and a lizard-man (attached is an artist's rendition of what the combatants might look like). However, there are some things here that pique the reader's curiosity and makes them want to know more about what's really going on. The scene is good enough to be interesting on it's own, but it teases at a larger story and makes the reader want to find out more.

First off, it seems as if most of the characters in this setting are anthropomorphic animals. There's the lizardman of course, as well as the minotaur, the dragon, the "demi-human" audience, and so forth; however, Anon himself is human. This is a common enough premise; usually Anon (or the generic human) is a traveler from another world, or something similar. However, the minotaur explicitly calls Anon his son, and the term "pure-blood" is used. This implies that Anon actually comes from this world, but is perceived as some kind of black sheep due to some abnormality he was born with. Moreover, the premise seems to invert the usual abnormality: instead of Anon being some kind of half-animal in a world of humans, he's a full human in a world of half-human half-animals.

I'm a little unclear on how a half-man half-bull would be able to produce a "pureblood" son. I notice that the brother character is a half-jaguar, and assuming they have the same father, this could indicate that the animal traits are not necessarily passed down, but it's also considered normal for everyone to have an animal half; ie a half-bull could mate with a half-deer or a half-sasquatch or something to that effect, and the union could produce a half-jaguar son. Basically, the animal half is particular to the individual and doesn't necessarily require one of the parents to be the same animal. In the case of Anon, the abnormality is that he doesn't have an animal half at all. Is that more or less the premise? It's a little unclear how it all works, but again it's interesting, and I'm assuming it will become clearer as the story progresses.

Also interesting is that the story closes with an interaction between Anon and his brother, while the title of the story is "Brother-Killer." The two brothers seem to get along, but it's clear that Anon and his father don't. Is this a prelude to some sort of tragedy that ends with Anon killing his jaguar brother? Or is there a third brother, who was already killed by Anon for some reason? Perhaps this has something to do with why Anon and his father don't get along? We don't know, but we're curious; that's always a good way to start things.

I also liked the way the Anon character was portrayed. He clearly knows something about fighting, and he ultimately prevails in his arena battle, but he's also intimidated by the lizardman and the hostility of the crowd. At the end of the fight, he seems to be in a state of near-shock at having come close to death. The character isn't portrayed as some swaggering, invincible bad-ass showing off his skills, but a frightened ordinary man, who for some reason has to fight in an arena battle while his father watches. The character clearly has some humanity and depth: he tries to project confidence, but doesn't always succeed, and inwardly he's afraid but he pushes through it because he has to. It gives the character more depth and nobility than if he were simply some bad-ass ninja who just btfos every enemy he comes across. Nice job here as well.

Anyway, all in all, I think you did a good job with this. It's a promising opening; I'll be curious to read more of it.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.353867
353887 353929
Actually, while I have everyone's attention I'd like to ask again for some reads on this one:

>>351627

It was written for a timed competition, so it's rough and ends rather abruptly. I kind of liked where it was going and am debating whether or not it's worth finishing.
Anonymous
ec2b218
?
No.353887
353959
>>353867
Okay. What does "EFNW" mean?
Anonymous
ec2b218
?
No.353888
>>353865
>>353866
Thanks for your input.
Funny SoulCalibour customization.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353895
It would be cool if the hero of my story could see the ghosts of his genocided people and be helped in fights by them because these ghosts objectively exist while demons lack full souls, right?

Avatar Aang was helped by ghosts, like his past lives, and that was awesome in Avatar. Luke had ghost friends too, Force Ghosts. How many pieces of fiction give the heroes spiritual advisors to some degree? The hero could even see his own parents, who died fighting the enemy, when he becomes more spiritually aware and becomes able to face them with pride in his people even though society wants him ashamed of his race.

But giving the hero ghost summoning powers is a degree of abstraction from reality. Killing orcs with swords and bows and pipe bombs and landslides and magic book flamethrowers is one thing. Killing them with ghosts? It's weird. Men talking to ghosts instead of God is weird.

The homosexual who looks like an American voter map, the upcoming official Fire Emblem game protagonist, he summons the ghosts of the protagonists of previous fire emblem games to aid him in fights because goyslop crossovers and nostalgia are popular right now. That's such a lazy way to waste the idea of being aided by ghosts. My protag is cooler than this walking pride flag for a perversion that doesn't exist yet. And my hero has more reason to summon ghost allies than this dragonkin genderfluid twink whose mom fucked a multicoloured ballpoint pen. 3 Houses was full of cut content and unexplored potential so it seems the devs are taking a break from trying, churning out formulaic clicheslop instead.

Summoning the ghosts of your dead family to help you fight the empire that genocided them and is trying to genocide all of you is cooler than just happening to have a ton of past lives or just happening to be able to summon copyrighted Flier Embullshit(tm) characters. Fuck summoning "heroes and villains from other worlds" to do your heroism for you, this isn't a gacha game. Summoning past lives aka genetic strangers to tell you their wisdom isn't as directly connected to family as being able to summon ghosts directly related to you. It also lets me characterize the hero's dead family members and give them screentime and unique weapons and maybe even character arcs without having to cram all their characterization into one flashback they get before they die helping the hero escape the genocide. Hell, maybe the hero could travel around meeting new ghosts of people the empire fucked over and adding them to his ghost collection like a pokemon trainer. It all seems like a positive aside from how it takes combat one more degree away from gritty realism and invites schizo "I see dead people" jokes.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this idea but I'm not asking you to make the decision for me.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353906
353924
04yw3eikyzn91.jpg
maxresdefault (1).jpg
Fci1h9kWYAI02ir.jpeg
Forgot to post toothpastefag.

I shouldn't care about what FE does when making my story. But I feel like I could do the concept of being aided by ghosts better and work it into my story better. From the trailers FE Engage seems like a homosexual non story where you're jerked off for waking up as the chosen one supergod divine dragon man who can uae rings to summon dead marketable characters to kill monsters for him, and all his foes are cartoon supervillains serving satandragon or zombies he summoned.

My protag is already the survivor of an attempted massacre by the government. Letting him see his loved ones and letting them continue to affect the world, warning him of enemy ambushes and killing foes on the battlefield... would this take away from the tragedy of this loss, more than it would help make each dead family member a character the audience can get to know over time?
Anonymous
a90ce94
?
No.353924
353932
17-The-Big-Lebowski-quotes.jpg
>>353906
Anonymous
44c2455
?
No.353929
353959
>>353867
>>351627
>"...and then Sunny Starscout became an alicorn, and Equestria was ruined forever."
>A.K. Yearling's hoofwriter fell silent. She leaned back in her chair, frowning as she read over the last few paragraphs of her manuscript. It wasn't the best thing she'd ever written,
Hehe, so you start off breaking the fourth wall, which I think is fine since the reader can't possibly be immersed into the story yet.

One of my petpeeves (or käpp(-)häst in Swedish (translates into "can-horse")) in stories is when there are writer characters in the story. My opinion is that if there is a character that likes to writer or is a writer, I want a full story laser-focused on that or it will break my immersion. I often find these characters to be author surrogates and that the end up spouting their writing philosophy through these characters.

This is not what happens here though. Instead you use this break in the fourth wall to troll people in the fandom, so all in all. Good taste. Remembering my own, embarrasing overreaction to G5, you're specifically targeting me it seems. So thanks.

Also, since Daring Do is canonically a writer, it fits what she would be doing. I just wanted to give you my personal input.

Actually, now when I think about it, if G5 is set in future Equestria, this sort of makes Daring Doo a prophet, doesn't it? Kek.

But this opening sets the tone: Comedy. Let's see if that's how the story continues.

>Was it Ahuizotl? Caballeron? Her publisher?
Comedy in threes and a subversion on the expected pattern of villains: Clever. You forced a chuckle from me and smile onto my face. Fagit.

>The pony in the doorway, who had clearly been startled by her reaction, recovered herself and smoothed back her oily mane.
Cool detail. The character actually reacted on Daring Do's flight or fight response. Easy to forget to characterize, I think.

>wanly
I learn a bunch of new words.

>"Tell the King I would be honored to attend."
The paragraphs around this sentence indicate a tone shift in the story. Suddenly, it's a very serious story. Tone shifts are natural parts of stories. This is not a critque, just pointing out how I first precived this story as a comedy due to the opening and then it seems to shift into something serious, unless I there's a subversion just waiting around the corner.
Again, I see no fault here at all. Stories can begin jovial to turn serious. Just wanted to share how I precived the story thus far for your benefit.

>"It can't be..." she whispered.
>And yet it was.
>"You have to eat all the eggs!" the Mareharishi hissed triumphantly.
>A.K. Yearling could only stare in horror at the abomination before her.
>"Eggs!" she whispered. "Why did it have to be eggs?
Heh, Daring Doo could infact not like eggs and this works in meta way as well. I, however, if I found myself in Daring's horseshoes, would claim I was egg allergic. Also, a what kind of King serves their honor guest a bowl of eggs?

I laughed but because of the build up, the punchline that came from the sudden tone shift you built up was bit dampend. Since what Daring was reacting to was a dish not anything dangerous, I already knew that the tone was shifting towards comedy before the reveal that cemented the puncline and subversion happened. If it had been something that could have been dangerous instead of just silly but later was revealed to be silly the serious tone you built up would all come crashing down in that moment instead gradually over some paragraphs.
It feels redundant explaining the nuances to you though, GG, since I consider you a master shitposter and myself just a novice and you probably got exactly where I was going with this at the time I called attention to it. Comedy is one of your fortes.

>"I...I can't do it!" Yearling was close to tears. "I...just...don't...like....EGGS!!"
Why do you tease me like this?

Also, I notice that you have two indiana Jones refrences in here: The first one is obvious, "Sneks y sneks?" but second one is, maybe it's more of a homage, that scene in the second movie where they are invited to eat monkey brain.

>The tribe had responded accordingly, immediately devolving into factions: those that supported the old King, and those who supported the challenger.
Okay okay, didn't see that comming. Thought the tribe would hunt her down not that some would side with her.

>Daring Do, however, had no time to lament over spilled milk; or spilled eggs,
>Spilled eggs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9h7dsmO38c&ab_channel=DouchebagChocolat
0:47?

>Not with her deadline only a few days away. There was also the pesky matter of the amulet.
Priorities:)

>"It hasn't happened yet," she muttered. "Maybe there's still time..."
Yeah. that's a cliffhanger alright. You should be glad, I walk away from it feeling sad that I got no closure that is a good grade imo.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353932
353933
>>353924
So in a new shit game the protag summons the ghosts of marketable characters from previous games in his franchise to help him fight, and that's gay.
My story and game could do the idea of summoning ghosts to help you fight better, by making the hero exclusively able to summon the ghosts of family members the Goblin government killed.
Cool, right?
But I'm not sure if I want to do that.
One, giving the hero the power to summon ghosts makes him special, and I don't want him to be a chosen one with special powers, just a regular man who lives a shit life until he starts rebelling and fighting for a better one.
And two, seeing ghosts and talking to dead family members is schizo stuff. People will joke about that and call my story's protagonist a schizo. Even though the ghosts are objectively real.
Anonymous
a9b3d9e
?
No.353933
353934
>>353932
>One, giving the hero the power to summon ghosts makes him special, and I don't want him to be a chosen one with special powers
What if he earns it mid-game through an impressive feat or something?
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353934
353950
>>353933
You're a fucking genius. He needs to earn the ghost power! Being able to see his family again after all that time will be incredibly emotional, too. He could earn that spirit summoning power by heading to a place where there are others like him to teach him, and then he could help defend it from an enemy attack.
Anonymous
a9b3d9e
?
No.353950
>>353934
Glad you found it useful.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353954
Been reading more books. Why do many stories about rebellion make the hero an authority figure who "should" be in charge, someone able to use his unfair advantages obtained through his birth like magic chosen one powers or inherited riches or genetic superiority and natural talent? If he's not a conquering king from the good land taking over the bad land or removing a check/balance on the throne's power like religious authorities or the aristocracy from his own good kingdom, he's the one good member of the royal family kicked out of the castle for being too nice. Even if the hero seemingly comes from nothing he has to turn out to be related to someone in power. It's like editors were taught at editor school "always tell the writer to make the protag The Hidden King or retcon him to be that later". Why? I don't get it. Is it to make the idea of him as the new king more palatable to authority worshippers? So they'll cheer when the "good" king gains the power of life and death over everyone when he takes that from the "bad" emperor? There's more to an institution than its head. Changing who rules over a dystopia designed to be governed by force and fear isn't enough, the way the government works should be changed to turn ruled subjects into free men. Or at least the subjects able to earn their freedom. But all these feel-good stories seem designed to masturbate readers who want to self insert as the rightful heir to the throne, and ending the story with "By the way I'm abolishing the caste system and monarchy and writing a constitutional list of citizen's rights" wouldn't be considered as universally appealing as "By the way I'm abdicating the throne and fucking off far away or suiciding for the sake of a tortured Christ imitation, have fun ruling this hellhole without me even though this land only ever has problems when I'm not ruling it and complaining about how boring things are". Maybe I'm reading the wrong material but so far I can't find any good stories about overthrowing evil in a medieval fantasy world.
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.353959
353961 354013
>>353887
>Okay. What does "EFNW" mean?
Everfree Northwest, it's a pony con in Seattle. They hold a writing competition every year where they give you two hours to pull a story out of your ass, that has to fit a list of parameters that they give you. This years rules were that your story had to contain "a guru, a guerilla and a gaffe." Some of the awkward bits in this story were the result of me attempting to wedge those things in.

>>353929
>I often find these characters to be author surrogates and that the end up spouting their writing philosophy through these characters.
That's generally how it works. If you don't overdo it, it's a good way to throw some of your random thoughts into your text without derailing it. In this case, the opening line was just something funny that popped into my head. My original idea was to have that line be the end of a bedtime story that Cadance was reading to Twilight, but I couldn't think of anywhere else to take it that wasn't pornographic. So, I decided to make it the last line of a presumably very shitposty Daring Do novel.

>Heh, Daring Doo could infact not like eggs and this works in meta way as well. I, however, if I found myself in Daring's horseshoes, would claim I was egg allergic. Also, a what kind of King serves their honor guest a bowl of eggs?
The egg thing made it in there because I needed Daring Do to make a gaffe of some kind. I figured I'd have her violate some ancient tribal taboo by refusing to eat something she was offered, decided to make it a bowl of eggs because it was funny. Unfortunately there were fewer people from 4chan there than I expected; none of the reviewers got the joke and were mostly confused by it. That's the risk you run when you reference something outside the story for humor, but in this case I think it works.

There was another entry in the competition called "Gaslight Gatekeep Girlboss" that attempted the same thing: referencing an internet meme for laughs. I didn't get the joke there, but presumably the judges did, because it won honorable mention for having a funny title. I looked it up and apparently it's some normie meme that originated on Tumblr and moved to Twitter; I can't quite figure out what it means, though. It generally helps to know your audience.

Anyway, I'm glad my egg joke was appreciated.

>It feels redundant explaining the nuances to you though, GG, since I consider you a master shitposter
Thank you.

>The tribe had responded accordingly, immediately devolving into factions: those that supported the old King, and those who supported the challenger.
>Okay okay, didn't see that comming. Thought the tribe would hunt her down not that some would side with her.
If I remember correctly, at this point in the story I had something like 15 min left in the competition, and I realized I needed to put in something about a guerilla. I decided to just have the tribe break into guerilla warfare with each other over the egg snafu. In the rewrite I might try to expand on this part a bit.

>Yeah. that's a cliffhanger alright. You should be glad, I walk away from it feeling sad that I got no closure that is a good grade imo.
Nice, thank you for your input; I'm glad you liked it. I'm going to try to finish it up at some point in the somewhat near future.
Anonymous
9c3692a
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No.353961
353969
>>353959
>Gaslight Gatekeep Girlboss
Parody of "Live Laugh Love" (generic fake-uplifting greetings-card slogan shit you'd see on the walls of whores) that's semi-ironically calling attention to the toxicity of the archetypical "strong independent working businesswoman typically in middle management" persona and her manipulative underhanded domineering dishonest generally-unpleasant nature. They mock the unpleasantness of that stereotypical bitch when they aren't pretending it's something to celebrate.
Anonymous
2807619
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No.353969
353977
>>353961
>They mock the unpleasantness of that stereotypical bitch when they aren't pretending it's something to celebrate.
Is that all it is? Nothing new about that; women have been passive-aggressively backstabbing each other since the dawn of time.
Anonymous
60bd8c4
?
No.353977
>>353969
>Is that all it is? Nothing new about that; women have been passive-aggressively backstabbing each other since the dawn of time.
Why does it need to be more or new? Race realism isn't new either but making memes on the subject isn't bad considering how the world is.
Anonymous
9b0b2bd
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No.354013
354018 354061
Spoilered
Spoilered
>>353959
So I have this desire to write a story with you, kinda like how I did with Norway in that comp I asked you to judge. What can I say, I really dig that concept of relay writing. As you have probably noticed by the fact that I have tried/done it three times by now.

But I also know that I have problems with finishing what I start and would suck as a partner, despite how I like to imagine that "this time things will be different."

I don't know. I just wanted to inform you of what I want even though I haven't come up with any exact/concrete plan or purposal. Just liked to hear what you have to say about this before I bothered to think about any premise or anything.

Is there anyway I can seduce you, GG?
Anonymous
d1e344b
?
No.354018
354108
1573975933606.png
>>354013
>But I also know that I have problems with finishing what I start and would suck as a partner, despite how I like to imagine that "this time things will be different."
KEK
You think you're bad, kid?
Anonymous
9c3692a
?
No.354056
If each character in my story has to fulfill a purpose to the story and themes, the protagonist's birth parents and adoptive parents are going to be very important people to this tale.
Stories about teenagers saving the world usually make the parents awful people like the Dursleys, or good people who "just don't understand" until they do like Hiccup's dad from How To Train Your Dragon. Or complete afterthoughts. Or people who die as quickly as possible. I've seen the parents used as ideals for the hero to strive for before, by dying before the story begins they gain a sort of mythical status in the eyes of their son. You are descended from heroes who loved you and died fighting for you, not the idiots raising you wrong and holding you back. It's an appealing idea, no wonder Harry Pothead ripped it off.

Perhaps the hero's birth parents should be good people who got killed by the government. They died saving the protagonist and his little sister, or they decided to send them away to foster parents or relatives just before the attack, either way the hero and his little sister are the only survivors of the attack and they are now adopted.

The hero wants to protect his little sister, she's extremely important to him. The orphan he saves in the woods and adppts as his second sister is also important. I was thinking the adoptive parents could be great people without any flaws at all. Or they could be hard working but stuck-in-the-past cuckservative boomers who notice their world's getting worse but refuse to admit (((who))) is to blame and recognize what needs to be done about it. Or maybe the dad's a cuckservative and the mom's a libtard, but they're able to stay married because neither really cares about their principles or political views that strongly, that seems more realistic for that generation. Dad distrusts technology and magic, and forbids his son from having dreams above his social class and studying technology because dad's a retarded cuckservative faggot, and mom pretends to love the invading Orc hordes despite making her son or husband get groceries for her because she doesn't feel safe walking around alone with so many Orcs about even though she doesn't want to admit it. If they were truly good people they would have fought for a better world back when it was easier for them to win instead of selling the country out to the enemy and letting their kids inherit the fallout of their mistakes. And then there would be no story about the heroes fighting back against the system and winning.
Anonymous
2807619
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No.354061
354068
>>354013
Sure, I can get behind that idea. Just let me know what the details are and when you'd like to get started.
Anonymous
2bcd66c
?
No.354068
354069 354070
d4kjqvi-88b5dc1c-7ef1-47d6-89ba-dde1dd040ae3.png
>>354061
Nice!
I was thinking that in the story we'd write, we'd write every other chapter. The only rule is that everything that is written is canon and belongs in the story's continuity, so now changing afterwards. If we come to a disagreement over the story's progression, I guess we'll get into a retcon war. "Somehow... Palpatine returned." [/s

So one of us writes the first chapter of a story and then we continue from there. I will make sure to proofread through my chapters before posting them. I prmoise.

When it comes to long-term structure. I'll try to do my absolute best to keep up but I don't really demand the same from you. Hopefully, we can inspire the other to continue the story but if it ceases to amuse you, you can always quit. You're not signing on some contract here. Fineprint: Your soul belong to the ride! Obviously, if we feel that this is moving towards a conclusion then we end it as well.

>when you'd like to get started.
At the start of november fits me the best. 7th november at the latest for me.
Anonymous
2bcd66c
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No.354069
354070
>>354068
I fucked up the spoilers sadly. Only, like, one part is suppose to be spoiled.
Anonymous
2807619
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No.354070
354107 354113
>>354069
I've done that before.

>>354068
Don't stress out too much about structure, this kind of thing is usually just a fun exercise. Ordinarily I'd begin a story by making notes and outlining the general plot, but for something like this it's more fun to just come up with the whole thing on the fly. If we end up with something good we can always edit it so it's more coherent; otherwise my intent is to just have fun and shitpost. I'm probably putting too much thought into this Marlowe thing I'm doing currently; it might actually help me to take a break and do something fun and silly for awhile.
Anonymous
9c3692a
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No.354101
Designing the bird people and writing them into my story came easy to me because there is a lot you can do with the idea of elements associated with birds. They split into lightning birds and wind birds and snow birds. Different answers to the questions raised by the fall of their empire. But the fish people... I have no idea what to do with the fish people. Water as an element can mean anything. Should there even be a sea kingdom when all aquatic characters can live on land or in the sea just as easily, with no need to moisturize or strap water dispensers over their gills? Fish people could be found anywhere after escaping their hellish underwater communist dictatorship, if they aren't descendants of someone who did. Cutting the sea kingdom as a location to visit seems to help the pacing of what's on the pages so far, but that leaves blank chapters where sea kingdom stuff was planned to go.

Also unfired Chekovs guns are a sign of bad writing, and it's retarded that Littlepip never used an unlabelled Memory Orb and ended up forced to experience her own mother's memories of Littlepip's conception from her mother's perspective.

All that talk of LP viewing too many memory orbs. But the giganigger turbofaggot author never fires that Chekov's Gun, even when LP goes back home and meets her own mother, saves her own mother, and watches her crush call her own mother a faggot.
This would be the perfect time for LP to get a gift from her own mother: A memory orb to defaggotize her. Making mom hate faggots so much she's willing to rape her own daughter by proxy using her own memories of Littlepip's dead or absent father would make the target audience hate her more and that's what good writing is really all about!
Jk.

On a serious note there was this bit where LP saves her vault from baddies who invaded and killed everyone. She sees brains splattered on walls, dead ponies, and the remnants of parties ponies threw for their "new friends". Parties with cake and balloons. Then the author revives characters so they can show up and congratulate LP.

The scene should have been written so that when ponies in the party room saw the designated new friend greeter get shot, everypony fled to the communal emergency bunker, leaving behind all the party shit, maybe trampling some ponies along the way or locking the bunker early with others still unsecured so some vault ponies can die without all vault ponies dying.
Could still find dead ponies and remnants of a party. But now LP would get into exciting unique fights against enemies in long metal coridoors she knows like the back of her girlfriend while trying to stop the enemies from reaching the bunker.
Some Characters established in the opening chapter before LP left the Vault should have died and some should have survived. Instead Kkunt writes as if everyone died and then pretended he didn't.
Fucking shit story. Terrain and weaponry and time limits and objectives and tactics never matter. Nobody splits up to cover multiple objectives and then thinks "fuuuuck fighting without that friend i am used to fighting beside is hard, I really wish Steelhooves was here right now to take bullets for me- oof ouch a bullet grazed me, I wish our healer was here right now but she's needed more elsewhere healing wounded people we're defending". Characters just spray bullets like it's a FPS because the retard author has terminal gamer brain syndrome. Gay.
Anonymous
83e81af
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No.354107
620355.png
>>354070
>otherwise my intent is to just have fun and shitpost.
Then that's what we will do.
Anonymous
83e81af
?
No.354108
354111
1576367581899.png
sunset_shimmer_and_twilight_sparkle_by_rockset_de3oli1-pre.jpg
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d9h00sj-ab95c484-5e30-4b65-963e-1e033679ff43.jpg
>>354018
>Kiiiiid
I'm one year older than you.
Anonymous
a9b3d9e
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No.354111
354113
FB_IMG_15817181029052743.jpg
FB_IMG_16136906315025230.jpg
FB_IMG_15804776478198124.jpg
FB_IMG_15847400862340775.jpg
FB_IMG_15736184044099332.jpg
>>354108
Maybe? Never posted my age.
Dangerously based shimpost tho.
Anonymous
83e81af
?
No.354113
354152 354161
>>354111
>Maybe? Never posted my age.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUivBz1s0y8&ab_channel=ponyvangelist
>Dangerously based
This is who I am. I'm not gonna hide that... Any longer!!!
>>354070
Though, I started thinking. What if you shitpost and I write something more serious. Like not super serious that's gonna take time to write but something more plot oriented. I don't feel in the mood for shitposting nor do I really think that I'm that good at it tbh.
Besides comedy works best with contrast, as wise black man E;R once said, "If everything is exaggrated nothing is."
Anonymous
83e81af
?
No.354114
6424800.png
1573754934970.png
horse_butt.png
6456735.png
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Forgot images.
Anonymous
9c3692a
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No.354124
354130
>hero's birth parents were national socialists in WW2 and the hero saw them die helping him escape
>hero's birth parents were Waco'd recently, they died helping the hero escape, and WW2 happened decades earlier
>hero's birth parents were farmers killed by a communist mob and the cops refused to investigate or prosecute and the hero was sent to live with relatives as if nothing had ever happened even though the killers are still out there, WW2 happened decades earlier
>hero's birth parents were farmers attacked by a communist mob and his father gunned the commies down for tresspassing with intent to kill. Cops arrested him, mom sent hero to live with relatives, other commies arrived later to kill and rape mom, she went down shooting them and when she couldn't fight any more she blew her home up to kill the invaders and herself. Hero's dad can be rescued later in the story.

Which works better for my story?
Anonymous
83e81af
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No.354130
354143
1cf4afb4389b4db61e0151704251a3af.jpg
>>354124
This is a bad question. I haven't read your story. You need to answer this one yourself. Afterall, it depends on what you're going for.
Anonymous
9c3692a
?
No.354143
354145 354152
>>354130
I know I have to be the one who decides on the final answer to these questions, but I was hoping to hear people's opinions on these answers.
The hero fleeing from the massacre of his family, looking back just in time to see them die to buy him the time to escape, only escaping with his little sister and the knowledge that his enemy is evil and he must protect his sister... It felt too emotional in a way that makes it feel unrealistic.
The hero and his sister getting sent away before the massacre and then learning about it later didn't have enough emotion behind it.
Anonymous
83e81af
?
No.354145
354148 354156
>>354143
But the thing is, I don't know what you're aiming for. All of those alternatives could work in the hands of a skilled writer.

If you are unsure of what level of emotion you want your begining to have, I guess you'll have to figure that out.

But if I'm suppose to come with sugguestions then I say copy this scene: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tcZ8hKbc-nE&ab_channel=Goobydolan
Though, you said something about not wanting your hero to have blue blood so I guess you could make the heroes parents of lower rank but still followers of the evil regime or somethin.
Anonymous
83e81af
?
No.354148
>>354145
I mean, you might as well. Just a sugguestion. It just popped into my mind.
Anonymous
50cf5c1
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No.354152
96A5EAA33E95AE2206D4C8CF0F0C9D78-3313386.gif
>>354143
>It felt too emotional in a way that makes it feel unrealistic.
I think it depends on how you go about it, more than the concept itself.
>>354113
Legitimately embarrassed for not picking that one.
>354114
So plenty bacon, and so few time.

Anonymous
9c3692a
?
No.354156
354164
>>354145
All of them could work in the hands of a skilled writer who's dedicated his life to the craft and abandoned all other hobbies and career paths, but there aren't enough hours in a day for everything I want to get good at even when nothing IRL gets in the way of my schedule.
I know the hero's real parents need to die early on doing the right thing and ensuring he survives and gets to a less violent place, so he can grow up there and feel disappointed in the people here who don't give a shit about anything but sportsball and booze and sex even as their money is worth less each day, their leader continues to be a libtard, and the rapefugees keep pouring in and demographically transforming this village for the worse. For every one guy drinking alone at the bar because his daughter got raped to death or chopped up or his son got killed or mugged, there are more retards who just don't care and won't ever care unless it affects them. The older generation has been pacified successfully and the protagonist runs a combination fight club and free speech comedy club illegal speakeasy with a few people his age intelligent enough to tell right from wrong.
The world governments standardized everyone's national anthems so every alcoholic tard at a bar can sing it together and then get on with watching Orcs kick balls around.
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.354161
354200
>>354113
Whatever type of story you want to work on is fine. When I say "shitpost" I don't necessarily mean the story itself has to be funny or silly, I just mean that I will be taking more of a laid-back approach to how I write it, without obsessing over planning or trying to make it perfect. Just kind of let the story turn into whatever it wants to turn into without worrying too much about the final product.
Anonymous
50cf5c1
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No.354164
354201 354203
>>354156
They are probably equally good ideas. Likewise, not one of them is easier to write than the other.
I think that's what he's saying.
Anonymous
fab2cbf
?
No.354200
>>354161
>I just mean that I will be taking more of a laid-back approach to how I write it, without obsessing over planning or trying to make it perfect.
Yeah, that's the right approach.
Anonymous
fab2cbf
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No.354201
6311515.jpg
>>354164
>I think that's what he's saying.
Indeed.
Anonymous
9c3692a
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No.354203
281.jpg
>>354164
Yeah, that makes sense.
I shouldn't let the fear of making any part of my writing "too much" hold me back. I'm writing a story here, not a product intended for mass market appeal. If I wanted broad appeal and a reliable steady paycheck I'd study digital art and paint female superheroes with their tits out. This isn't tits. It's why I'm making the fun one first, before I make the serious story.
Putting the war further in the past gives it a mythical sense of weight like a creation myth, a tale of Gods and Titans warring to make the world what it is today, and making the mob that destroyed the protagonist's normal life motivated by the world government's dishonest retelling of that war makes the weight that time period and the lies about it have on the hero's life clear.

I wrote a scene where the hero uses the magic powered water filtering device he built and explains to his new adoptive parents "No, this one won't blow up" and it works as character writing but it also rapidly infodumps how magic does and doesn't work in this setting. No wizards are going to magic away problems that need to be solved with blood and soil. His new mom cares for her new sons wellbeing but is also a huge pussy terrified of going against the grain and his new dad is a cuckservative twat with no intellectual insight into the modern world or the world of lies he grew up in. Dad doesn't want his son "wasting his time" with anything intellectual, he wants his son to be okay with the life of a debt slave labourer with a paycheck that effectively shrinks by the week (hyperinflation) and no hope of upwards mobility or a stable future. He's the kind of guy who's in denial about how bad things really are. My own father inspired this guy but I toned him down a lot so he isn't a physically and mentally abusive alcoholic pedophile obsessed with escapism and yelling at his wife and kids over money he wasted. His habit of shouting and throwing to establish authority or cucking immediately to adults unintimidated by him isn't reflected in this tale. Adoptive dad only inherited the guy's fucking retarded views on whether technology is anything worth pursuing a career in and whether his son's obvious technical talents should be nurtured or loathed. My father was also a cuckservative and my mother was a libtard or cuckservative depending on what allowed that maliciously narcissistic bitch to feel superior to others in the moment. The hero's caring adoptive mother was a complete fabrication, I don't know what those look or sound like IRL so I'm exclusively drawing from fiction here and women I've met. Kind of fucked up how designing all those new swords was so much easier for me than this. Then again mechanical principles and the laws of physics are always the same no matter what you're reading unless the author's being weird. You should see the hero's personal sword, it's fucking sick. I thought about giving him an energy sword of purest holy light but it felt too immaterial and imaginary so I gave him a big bulky fuckhuge sword he designed himself to suit his might and that felt right. Symbolically swords are the basic cliche hero weapon and he knows that. Swords are also traditional, and he uses traditional swordsmanship while his enemies just swing weapons. He starts with experience with Bows and learns Swordsmanship and Light Magic over the course of the story.

Does anyone know of any stories with well written mothers they can recommend?
Anonymous
9c3692a
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No.354257
The idea of "Witch Hunters" is usually used to give a fictional evil government so called "fascist undertones" by making its dedicated anti-magician police force visually ape the jew's distorted presentation of the Gestapo. It gives the oppressed person magic he can use to make overthrowing the dictatorship easier. "They hate us because we're better than their silly society with its military heirarchies and childishly exaggerated visible signs of corruption" is just easy to understand.

The government sends these people after you because they hate and fear you.
All because you are something you cannot change or control, because of a natural talent you could control if you met the right people and might consider using against the enemy. They come for you, for no fault of your own, and if they don't kill you or imprison you for life or make you work against your kind to escape what they want to do to the rest of you, they torture you for no reason or attempt to "cure" you via tortures a perverted jew dreamed up when he caricatured medieval era punishments.

It's something from the realm of fiction. Something forcefully embedded into man's cultural pool of shared ideas like a STD donated by the jews.

It's the typical "they hate you because you are different" trope twisted to fit the oppression fantasy and jewish or homosexual or jewish homosexual fantasy of their own imagined supremacy. It isn't an understanding of what the jew is doing and deserves, it's all based in baseless fear. It isn't disgust towards the faggot, no, it's homo-phobia, an irrational fear like the fear of infinity, spiders, and infinite spiders.

It's a strong cultural idea but where the idea that the invading horde of soulless enemies (probably from an inhospitable awful place forcing them to be this way like Mordor or an icy wasteland or space because how else could anyone act so monstrously towards us) flee like orcs or fade like ghosts or shut down like drones or die like aliens if you take out the warlord/alien mothership/king/sorceror in charge comes from mythologizing Genghis Khan, this comes from the Jewish attempt to rewrite the truth. Mythologizing oppression they never faced, fantasies of witch-hunting book-burning Christian Catholic whites with iron maidens and rooms full of BDSM gear, fantasies to try and get other groups to imagine this and other retarded YA dystopia cliches as what oppression looks like even though we live in a dystopia.

And so I'm not sure if I should apply it to my setting when so much of it is informed by real shit the uninformed deny.

Even though it would be great for my story if the hero or his sister was caught illegally practicing magic or accused of doing that, and the hero's adoptive mother (who won't fight for a cause but wouldn't mind dying for one) sacrifices herself to get arrested by saying "I'm the magician, not them" and the hero's father just sulks obesely and refuses to fight and try to save that woman from the anti magic gulag even after the hero calls him a faggot.

Everything in my story is inspired by reality, except the bird people, who have a based Service Guarantees Citizenship society that could work in reality. Would it be cheating to use this idea people are used to associating with tyrants and the othering of innocents and the persecution of others?
Anonymous
9c3692a
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No.354501
>kids from the future show up to say "The future we're from is suffering because you lost, and we time travelled to help you win this time!"
I like time travel plots but I didn't like the way it says the hero would be doomed to fail if not for something physically impossible like time travel. So the hero won the first time, but didnt kill all the villains, and the survivors time travelled first to cheat, making it okay for the surviving heroes with nothing to lose to time travel to set things right.
And because these future kids know the consequences of treating the enemy with kid gloves, they know more than anyone else what the enemy deserves and they're prepared to give it to them.
It means more work for me because now I have to give every character children, but fuck it, I'm already going all out.
Anonymous
d624b24
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No.354630
No matter how many mechanical high tech arm designs I go through in ideation, none of them look right on the protagonist. He has to have one metal arm for the sake of the story and gameplay but fuck me, designing high tech arms is hard.
Does anyone here have any suggestions?
Besides "just make the prosthetic arm look like a normal one except when it comes off or splits apart or does whatever else the arm needs to do".
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.354764
When talking to a published writer about how I had my protagonist read a book during his work break - fantasizing about being in the book and fighting alongside its fictional heroes to justify a segment of playable fun violence halfway through a sequence of characterization and worldbuilding scenes without any gameplay, and to display that the hero wants to save lives and be a hero even though the world won't let him be a hero right now - he said something to me.
He asked me "Why are you trying to fit your story idea around what you think the gamer audience will want? Do you really think gamers will get impatient, ignore the story you're writing and the world you're creating, and drop your game if you ask them to go five whole minutes without clicking a button to put an axe through someone's face?"
I didn't have an answer for that.
Maybe I've been going about this all wrong.
Videogames work best with simple stories you can express in a few lines during combat or between moments of combat.
This complicated work of political fiction inspired by the real world might not be suited to the medium of videogames after all.
Anonymous
73282a4
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No.354971
354972
What do you dislike most about Ben 10? Analyzing and critiquing stuff is fun, and this overhyped kid's cartoon jumped countless sharks in its lifespan and changed wildly. Someone here has to have something to say about that show.

Personally I think simply having greatness fall into your lap is a gay premise for any hero when compared to working hard to earn it and the watch is too OP for any kind of stakes.
Anonymous
9f5a4f9
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No.354972
354975
>>354971
I liked it when I was a child, but my parents were scared of cartoons and only let me watch PBS (like a poor person), so I had to sneak-watch it.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.354975
354976
>>354972
What's PBS?
Over here we had fourish tv channels for years. No fancy tv boxes until I was a teenager. I think I learned to find shows in parts on youtube or on WatchCartoonOnline dot com style sites before I learned how the Sky box remote works.
Anonymous
9f5a4f9
?
No.354976
354999
>>354975
PBS is "Public Broadcasting Service". Taxpayer subsidized public television. PBS Kids airs educational cartoons for kids.
Some of them were decent. You might recognize Arthur or Clifford.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.354999
355004
>>354976
I remember those! Good wholesome kids shows. Usually. DW and characters like her were a bad influence on women.

This video https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=vzEmnroywsc starts with a comment from a pseudointellectual who thinks certain things a story can have like "human villains" and "female heroes" inherently makes the story superior to a story without it.

The youtuber is great from what Ive seen of him so far but midwit pseuds like the commenter make me sick. Pitch Meeting is not intellectual film critique, it is a comedy skit that seeks to make mockeries of every film out there both good and bad, whatever will get this ScreenJunkies CinemaSins shit more views. LOTR isnt worse for lacking a super strong Elf girl with pneumatic magic mega punch action, the author chose not to include one. To simplify the fellowship of these men, these brothers, and the unifying of their races into "their character arc is competing over killscore" is as asinine as saying 1984 is a movie about why you shouldn't break the law. It's so surface level that it misses everything beneath the surface.

Silco IS a villain, you lack a moral compass if you can't tell why this abuser is a bad influence on Jinx even if he does have the excuse of being trapped in his traumatic past that causes him to project his views on family onto others. He views freedom as a neverending drug fuelled rave no matter the human cost. He is obsessed with control. He is obsessed with the cause and expects everyone to sacrifice for him whatever he wants sacrificed, until he develops enough of a bond with Jinx to understand why Vander put his family before ideology and ruthless pragmatism. Silco is a horrible influence on Piltover and the Undercity, and his scary guy act (And Jinx's attempt to impress him while stealing the gemstone) spooks Pilties into thinking he wants the city's destruction instead of independence. LOTR isn't an inferior story for refusing to give every single villain sympathetic qualities like a loved one or a tragic backstory. LOTR didn't try to make you ask whether subversion and greedy dragons and ambitious insane conquering tyrants and big evil floating eyes watching you are evil even if they have their reasons for being obstacles for the heroes to overcome, LOTR set out to state that these things are evil and heroes both great and tiny can triumph over them. Bad people can become good if they try hard enough, but monsters were never truly people. Great men can slay monsters and humble small everyday men can both abandon their daily comforts to rise to the occasion and resist the temptation to give in to evil. Orcs are made from mud because they are an invading horde of niggers partly inspired by Genghis Khan but undoubtedly also niggers.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355004
>>354999
*uniting the races

LOTR recognizes the differences in body and ability between races and does not pretend that Bilbo could kick Gandalf's ass by believing in himself hard enough. LOTR recognizes that Bilbo doesn't need to be able to do this to be a true hero. LOTR doesn't deny the differences between fundamentally different people and demand they all "get along" and mix in a multikulti hellhole, it respects these different groups by letting them work together without making them one like the typical globalist Star Trek and Mass Effect style notion of a "United States of Earth, with one Universal Federal Government micromanaging all planets and all people".

In that respect, Arcane is inferior. Piltover and Zaun refuses to recognize the difference in ability between races, and between males and females. The greatest fighter in the Undercity, the kingmaker who decides who runs it, a tech genius, and a manipulative political schemer, all women and nobody finds this odder than Bulbok's presence. Piltover and Zaun are made by the descendants of refugees from assorted other destroyed places, yet idiots and geniuses and white and blacks are equally represented among the richest and poorest places to fit the authors subconscious biases from being raised on generations of globalist propaganda or their overt globalist agenda. I don't know enough about the writers to make that call and I don't care enough to check their twitter. Nobody finds it shocking that a black tech genius, female sharpshooter, female tech genius, or fat rich idiot exists, and only Viktor calls attention to any kind of systemic oppression against himself by lying his way into an academy that made a teacher's assistant out of him upon finding out he was a crippled poor guy from the Undercity without a wealthy rich noble house Patron. Arcane's writing says its greatest triumphant moments are scenes of violence, no important moments of resisting temptation here.

Even the idea that Piltover and Zaun/The Lanes/The Undercity should try to get along as one is retarded. The show treats this as the default best option without asking any questions about whether Zaun might be better off without the Piltover council creating laws its rulers dont have to follow and sending down cops allowed to act like mad thugs in the name of "letting topsiders feel safe". Silco's undercity is painted as what the Undercity will become without any kind of law beyond a drug kingpin, and Jayce's choice to make peace with Silco's undercity is painted as giving up instead of helping Vi's fight. Maybe Zaunites should secede and maybe they could live a better life as free people without a council of unelected technocrats, politicians, and corrupt business tycoons deciding what laws the commoners must obey. Zaun and Piltover have wildly different cultures yet the show insists on attributing this to their different physical locations and economies instead of asking what kinds of people lived in the places whose refugees came together to make Piltover and the Undercity and whether that could have anything to do with the cultures that developed. Arcane is modern so it chooses to pretend race is as superficial and skin deep as hair colour, when in truth race is flesh deep, no, bone deep. Race determines bones, intelligence, and more. LOTR understood this. And niggers might as well be made from mud for all they do to make Orcs look like pleasant neighbours in comparison.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355008
Sonic 06 for the PS3 had a lot of big story ideas and fumbled most of them.

How would you fix them, and how would you want them fixed?
Anonymous
ef2df9e
?
No.355028
355044 355045 355073
As far as pacing goes, do you guys like time skips over the course of a few days to a week in between major plot points. Or would you prefer a story following multiple characters to fill in those points in between?
Anonymous
d624b24
?
No.355044
Bad ponyfic dialogue is all https://ponerpics.org/images/6441370?q=15.ai

>>355028
What are the time skips trying to accomplish?
Cutting out the boring parts where nothing happens?
Anonymous
d624b24
?
No.355045
355046
>>355028
If it will suit the themes of your story and help to set up things for later, the effort to make short stories happen during timeskips can be worth it.
Anonymous
84c810f
?
No.355046
355049 355073
>>355045
This is essentially what my end goal is.
I'm in the early stages of a prologue (about 2000 words.) And am shooting for a long haul spanning multiple months/years of in universe time. Depending on how in depth I plan for separate climaxes of course.

The Mention of the Fellowship in the post above got me thinking of following multiple characters that cross paths multiple times.
Swapping between parties to tell of each of their whereabouts at various points throughout the story.

It will be more work for sure, but I can spread out tropes between characters and add a lot of variety as well.
I was just curious of everyone else's stances on use of time skips and if they should be used sparingly.
Anonymous
d624b24
?
No.355049
355050
>>355046
Time skips are a tool easily misused. When some characters are doing stuff relevant to the plot or themes, are other characters standing around twiddling their thumbs? Asleep? Studying? Fishing?
How hard will it be to figure out the linear timeline? Will you show the same day from multiple perspectives in a row at one point Rashomon style? How reliable are the narrators? Will you make some characters lie to the reader about how things went?
When you publish this, some viewers will autistically map out a timeline of events and get butthurt if it's daytime in one area when it should be nighttime or ask what character A who showed up in chapter 3 did for eighteen chapters before showing up near the finale.
Anonymous
84c810f
?
No.355050
355055 355073
>>355049
To get this cleared, I'm planning the story to be in the 2nd person with similar structure to a green.
Not concrete as of now, its not too large for me to go back in and restructure should the need arise.

But as far as linearity goes, it will vary on times in between jumps.
Assuming I have 3 main characters. I am planning on chapters being centered on 1 of the 3 and the other 2 will get a section dedicated to their current predicament before returning back to the priority.
For a rough estimation, 2/3 to Character 1, and 1/6 for 2 and 3 respectively. Obviously alternating as the story progresses.
On occasion, 2 or maybe all 3 will reunite and each get a section of the chapter in their perspective.

I will be leaving times ambiguous for the most part, to let the reader play with their imagination.
If I feel it important to the current plot point, I will mention the position of the sun/moon, and season (rarely)
But mentioning a specific date in time for each section of the story, I don't feel will add much other than more on my plate to keep track of.

I can say for certain it's not going to be a: Follow character for X amount of time, and swap to the next ad infinitum. I will try to make the cuts as fluid with the climax and rising/falling action as I possibly can.
I'll probably start with 2 characters and work my way up. (To maybe 4) it depends on how comfortable I feel upkeeping so much development at once.

I have experience writing short stories in my free time back in highschool, but saying I have experience writing a full fledged story would be a lie.
I'll try to have a few more thousand words done by the end of the week, so anyone willing can critique my writing style. Hopefully work doesn't get in the way.
Anonymous
d624b24
?
No.355055
355058
>>355050
Good call leaving the exact date and time of things ambiguous. Less chance of creating continuity errors that way.
Is there a point in your story that relies on seeing the same event multiple times from multiple perspectives separately? Or is this all happening in linear time and the "camera" that focuses on the POV character of the chapter teleports about without altering the flow of time?
Anonymous
84c810f
?
No.355058
355059
>>355055
I'm on the fence about that. I will prefer to keep it chronological of course.
But with something dramatic enough, I might justify telling it from the perspective of multiple characters.
Anonymous
d624b24
?
No.355059
355061
>>355058
To suddenly jump from chronological storytelling to non chronological storytelling and back might confuse readers unless you spell it out seamlessly but in a way nobody can overlook. Perhaps every character's POV chapter for that day could start with the same distinct event to make it obvious? Like a festival or holiday with the date in its name. Or a character or the world could say the date. There could be moments designed to make the audience go "Hey, it's that thing that other character saw! Now I know where I am in the timeline!" Or "Oh, so that's why that happened that way in someone else's chapter!".
Anonymous
84c810f
?
No.355061
355064
>>355059
I was going more along the lines of "Important side character dies/undergoes transformation, you get the perspective of #1 who was near to them. Shortly after you get #2 perspective of what they saw most likely from some distance."
I see this most befitting to happen at the end of a chapter from #1, and the next chapter starts off from the perspective of #2 retelling the same event.

I'm not for sure about it to put it bluntly. I'll most likely stick to a rough chronological structure for simplicity sake.
But we shall see
Thankyou for the insights
Anonymous
d624b24
?
No.355064
>>355061
That sounds like a cool thing to do, I hope doing it adds something great to your story.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
b17814c
?
No.355073
355074 355079
>>355028
>>355046
>>355050
Best advice I can give you about time skips is to think of the story more in terms of scenes and events than in terms of linear time. Most modern long-form stories are told in sequences of scenes that focus on key events, and the connected events tell the larger story. I find it's helpful to think of scenes almost as self-contained stories in and of themselves: characters are introduced, there's some of significant action that takes place or some kind of problem that presents itself, and at the scene's end the situation either resolves itself, or is left intentionally open with an implication that it will be resolved later.

Thus, telling a large story is a matter of breaking it apart into its most significant events and arranging them. Here are some general rules to keep in mind:

1. The order in which scenes are presented should make sense. This doesn't mean the story has to follow a perfect linear chronology, it just means that the reader should be able to follow what's going on. For instance, if you have a scene where a character is eating breakfast, followed by a scene where a character is at work, the reader will probably have no trouble following the story: the guy had breakfast in the morning, then afterward he went to work. Here, the reader will just assume time is passing normally and linearly, without really needing to know exactly what time these events are taking place.

Conversely, if you have one scene where the main character is eating breakfast, and then in the next scene he is suddenly on the moon, this is an abrupt transition. What the reader will probably assume here is that you are intentionally jumping forward quite a ways in time to draw their curiosity. The assumption is that the next few scenes are going to involve traveling back in time to show the sequence of events that led to the character ending up on the moon. If you don't do this, the reader will be confused: if the character is eating breakfast in one scene, then suddenly he's on the moon, and then the rest of the story is just about him doing stuff on the moon, the transition will feel jarring and unsatisfying.

2. Every scene needs to matter. Any story is going to be filled with any number of events that happen on and off camera, but not every event is going to be turned into the focus of a scene. Which events become scenes is entirely up to you, but any scene that gets included needs to have some justification for being in the story. It needs to either advance the main plot (or a subplot), add to the development of one or more characters, or provide some kind of basic entertainment value (sex scenes and random funny scenes would fall in this category; you'll want to use these kinds of scenes sparingly).

For instance, in the example I gave about the guy who eats breakfast and then goes to work, there is a large sequence of events that is probably taking place: he's asleep in bed, then he wakes up, then he puts his pants on, then he eats breakfast, then he probably shaves and showers and whatever, then he gets in his car and drives, then he sits in traffic for 45 minutes, then he parks, then he goes to the office, then he's at work. However, this entire sequence of events is covered in two scenes: the guy eats breakfast, then the guy is at work. The reader infers the rest.

Both of these scenes serve a purpose in the larger story: the breakfast scene establishes some basic things about the character and shows an episode in his normal, domestic life. The work scene establishes what he does for a living, and if his job or his workplace is essential to the main story, this is also an important scene that moves the plot along. Thus, even though there are any number of additional events we could cover, do any of them need to be scenes? Probably not. Sure, we could have a scene where he's brushing his teeth and a scene where he's sitting in traffic, but would either of those scenes add anything meaningful?

Conversely, we could swap out the scene where he eats breakfast for a scene where he's brushing his teeth, and it would convey the same essential information without affecting the continuity. In this case, we need to think about the story overall: would a teeth brushing scene be a better illustration of this guy's domestic life than a breakfast scene? If it matters, use the one that works best; if it doesn't, it's dealer's choice. Get used to thinking like this.

3. Scenes should begin and end appropriately. Every scene needs to begin somewhere logical, and there needs to be at least some level of basic continuity between the end of one scene and the beginning of the next. For example if a guy is eating breakfast at the end of scene one and is at work at the beginning of scene two, there is a logical continuity. If he's eating breakfast and then is suddenly on the moon, there is not.

The same applies to how you end the scene. Whatever is at stake in the scene needs to be resolved; it makes no difference whether your characters are fighting a giant robot or making sandwiches for a picnic. If you end the scene on a cliffhanger, the cliffhanger must resolve at some future point in the story. If a guy is fighting a battle and then suddenly the scene just ends, and we never find out who won, it's unsatisfying. If we never even knew why they were fighting in the first place, it's doubly unsatisfying.

So, looked at from this perspective, the issue of time skips becomes far less important. Time can fluctuate in a story: the events of an hour can take up multiple chapters, but in a later chapter you could gloss over an entire week if nothing important happens. There are stories in which periods of years or decades are skipped over between scenes. Time is much less important than constructing your scenes well, focusing on essential events, and omitting mundane or uninteresting ones. Hope I was helpful.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
b17814c
?
No.355074
355079
>>355073
Also, I don't know if you were around for my review of Fallout Equestria, but that story is basically a master class in terrible scene writing. Kkat flagrantly violates all three of these rules over and over: one minute his characters are walking down a hallway, then they are suddenly fighting a bunch of random monsters, then suddenly it's the following day and they're breaking into a safe in a different building. The chronology is difficult to follow, the scenes rarely show anything important or interesting happening, and very few scenes begin logically or resolve themselves. If you're ever in doubt, just pick a random chapter in FoE, read a few subchapters, and resolve to do the exact opposite of what kkat did.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
b17814c
?
No.355075
355082
dcdxfuw-0e1e65b3-74f5-4cb0-8d9d-bb4256bbc083.png
Also, as a random aside, I rewrote one of my old greentexts as a short story and published it on FimFiction if anyone wants to read it. I think the original green was also posted in the Anonfilly thread here at one point, so there's a chance some people may have read it already. However, it exists if anyone wants to have a look; comments and whatnot are appreciated.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/525935/just-mommy
Anonymous
84c810f
?
No.355079
355080
>>355074
>>355073
Hah, thanks for the input.
I'm positive you've heard of, "Heart of War" and it being left unfinished for damn near 4 years now.
I took time to reread it about a month ago and everything about its writing and structure inspired me to giving writing a shot.
The cult following people seemed to have for it on /mlp/ was also inspiring. After 3 years of the op disappearing people were still there awaiting his return.
If that doesn't prove the masterclass of writing I don't know what does.

I'll probably look at some of FoE today for that example of bad story structure. Thankyou
Anonymous
d624b24
?
No.355080
>>355079
FoE also had a ton of logical errors (almost a decade into the war Equestria is still called "too nice to know what war is", Equestria seems just as prosperous as ever with nobody in normal life suffering due to rationing or secret police action or drafting men from the workforce or anything else typically associated with wartime, Kkat seems to think a gun's poor condition will magically reduce the lethality of its bullets even if fired at point blank by a shotgun because that is how it worked in videogames, grenades inside a tree library dont burn the place down or make holes to shoot through, enemies don't fortify their homes with traps and murder holes and ambushes, Ministry buildings are still decorated gaudily when all resources should be for the war effort first and even if gems and gold are more plentiful than cheap materials the labour to use them artistically should be more expensive than equestria is willing to spend) and a ton of gay bullshit clearly done to allow the author to pretend his OC isn't OP (lowering the challenge of the world and the threat projectiles and foes pose so she can win, making injuries mean nothing to LP, giving LP a bullshit fucking GameShark cheat device on her arm and making her cutie mark the use and operation of that milti function cheat device so user friendly a retard could operate it just fine (hell Kkat was able to beat Fallout 3 so clearly no talent is required) ensuring no other vault pony who makes use of their cheat device to upstage LP ever exists, letting LP do anything with her overpowered telekinesis, giving her super bones and regenerating flesh like fucking Wolverine, and more) but Kkat's tendency to violate basic rules of story structure for the sake of convenience and getting the shitty scenes he wants to write out there faster has to be proof that Fallout Equestria is not actually a story he felt passionate about, just a sequence of scenes he created to fellate his awful OCs and justify the hundreds of hours wasted in Fallout 3.
Anonymous
88b6242
?
No.355082
355083 355086
2588061.jpg
File (hide): 2866932789B3FD30902EA861104B6B3D-5375803.webm (5.1 MB, Resolution:800x450 Length:00:02:18, Sunset simulator.webm) [play once] [loop]
Sunset simulator.webm
6544100.png
6538023.jpg
6545895.jpg
>>355075
Btw, GG, just so you know, I haven't forgotten about your promise of our future together~
I will probably be released by the 3rd november evening Swahili time. Just and fyi.
Anonymous
88b6242
?
No.355083
>>355082
Ah, missed opportunity. I should have named the vid file: Sunset shimulator.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355086
355269 355275
>>355082
>I haven't forgotten about your promise of our future together~
Sounds pretty hot, I'm looking forward to it.
Anonymous
bd8e6a0
?
No.355269
1280035__safe_screencap_starlight+glimmer_to+where+and+back+again_spoiler-colon-s06e25_animated_frown_glare_if+the+wagon's+a-dash-rocking+don't+com.gif
6532348__safe_artist-colon-plunger_imported+from+twibooru_oc_oc+only_pony_blue+background_female_hanging_image_mare_png_ponified+photo_sad_simple+background_sol.png
6536416__safe_artist-colon-plunger_imported+from+derpibooru_earth+pony_human_pony_drawthread_female_hand_happy_heart_holding+a+pony_keychain_mare_polka+dots_pon.png
>>355086
Bet sweet purple horsebutt it is. I got it all setup in my wagon

Anyway, I'm gonna write the first chapter tonight. So you won't be hanging for much longer.
Anonymous
bd8e6a0
?
No.355275
355276 355376
>>355086
So I got this so far. I'm not down with the chapter though. I just wanted to show you what I written so far.

The wind moaned and made the air-ship groaned. The patter of rain on deck reached all the way down into ship's prison cell. A glass of liquid similar to tree sap scrapped a wooden table as it slide across its surface as the ship tilted slightly. A tan paw chopped down and blocked its path off the table. The paw, which was similar to human hand due to its disposible, gripped the glass and took a sip.

"So why is your unicorn hocus pocus called, 'Dreameater'? Heh, do dream taste good or what?" A humanoid feline-man with male characteristics asked. His long whiskers fluttered as enjoyed the smell of the glass of whiskey in his paw.

A purple unicorn stood nearby. His gaze focused on a green man who wore shackles and a blindfold behind a barred off cell. A tendrill of arcane light connected the bald head of the man with the horn of the unicorn.

The unicorn licked his awesome mustache. The magic connection between the two broke and the unicorn sighed in relief.

"Yeah. So we.re done here. He won't wake up for a long time," the unicorn said and turned around to face the cat-man. "What you say, Wereoew? Why it's called dreameater?"

"Mmm-yess. Wants some?" Wereoew said and began to spin a glass around his paw-finger by moving his finger on the inside of the glass.

"Yes, thanks." The unicorn sunk down at the table. "Phew. Dreameater takes a lot of energy and with some reef-whiskey, I be sleeping almost as deep as he will."

The spinning glass floated over to the unicorn while glowing a tint of violet. It flipped around so the bottom was down and the feline-man poured the unicorn a glass. The unicorn took a gulp.

"No, the dreameater curse doesn't make me eat his dreams but it puts a minor demon on his mind that drains him. It's not directly harmful but if applied repeatedly, he can get the same health problems as ponies in comas."

Sniff. Coral-whiskey. Sniff. Made from spagehetti coral. Probably produced in Jagged Bay. Maybe eleven... twelve years ago.

Finally some whiskey. Mistress only drinks wine.

The green man took another discret sniff of the liqour smell in the room.

She once explained how cursed on the mind, like Dreameater works. It's said that most of the brain is shut down by dreameater, except for the autistic part. I guess that's why I'm still awake.
Anonymous
bd8e6a0
?
No.355276
355376
>>355275
>feline-man with male characteristics
Yeah, maybe I should proofread this stuff.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355334
People these days know more about fictional tragedies like The Tragedy Of Duscur than they know about real ones Operation Fast And Furious or Waco because people they care about lost loved ones in that tragedy or suffered from it some other way.
How can I make my work put as much emphasis on real tragedies, so the audience will know what they are and care?
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355376
355378
>>355275
>>355276
Whenever it's ready I can write the next chapter. Incidentally how do you want to do this? I think the easiest way would be to use a hackmd document that we can both edit and add to.
Anonymous
2a016c3
?
No.355378
355423
>>355376
Sure, I already wrote this on hackmd so I jused made you admin on my note.
https://hackmd.io/VQQxQ1egTD69uxlqh2Wksw#
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355423
355424
>>355378
Looks like it cuts off mid-sentence. Did you want me to start from here or are you still working on it?
Anonymous
10087ec
?
No.355424
355425
>>355423
Yeah, about that, I'm starting my writing session now actually. I hadn't got the energy for the last two days, sorry, but now I want to finish this chapter.
I will tell you when I'm done, which probably will be today.

But it works alright? You can edit the note, right? I'm still new to using that site.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355425
355426
>>355424
I haven't tried making any actual changes but I have an Edit button and can type words into the document. I'm fairly new to it as well, but so far it looks like I've got the right level of access.

Anyway, no huge rush, you can take your time.
Anonymous
10087ec
?
No.355426
355427
>>355425
>no huge rush
>implying 'some' rush
Stop fuckin' stressin' me!

>far it looks like I've got the right level of access.
Great.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355427
355545
>>355426
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JsKBIBJj-4M&list=PLowT8DbU_l3nuwMBcFaPPcWh8AdBWzCH2
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355489
Ever notice any writing cheats?

Like when two characters get together for a scene and heap compliments onto each other, verbally fellating each other to tell the audience how we are supposed to feel about these two characters and their relationship. Even if the characters are bringing up character traits we normally never see, or exclusively see the opposite of. No room for subtlety or scenes that accomplish multiple things at once. No faith in the audience's ability to understand layered complex characters with masks and fronts and personas. No faith in the audience's ability to tell how two characters feel about one another based on how they communicate unless they are verbally expositing everything "That makes me feel angry" style. Characters might even start "As You Know"ing, vomiting exposition at a character who should already know all of this shit, without a justification like "one guy forgot the story" or "they are arguing over how x event went" or "he is bringing up the day he first saw her to set the mood for when he proposes".

It feels like cheating. Instead of putting in the work to establish characters, you write characters listing traits the audience is supposed to admire in these characters.

I saw a lot of that shit in Fallout Equestria when characters would praise LP the murderhobo or the lying DJ Homage or the manipulative cunt Velvet or the walking gun NPC Calamity for positive traits the author wants us to think they have. That lying DJ lacks integrity. And I still find amusement in that scene where Calamity and Velvet praise each other for traits they supposedly have, and calamity calls the whiny bitch "so loveably practical" without sarcasm.

Seems the writing in Fire Emblem does that a lot in its optional scenes where 2 characters of your choice talk. But to be fair it's a videogame full of optional unlockable scenes rewarding players who pair units often enough, and the game's permadeath means you can't write a plot that relies on any playable character surviving his battles unless his death guarantees a game over and reset or he says "oof, cant fight with these wounds. Time to retreat" upon hitting 0 HP instead of "No, it can't end like this! I'm dead! Ack!". Writing around potential death variables seems damn near impossible, what if someone would matter to the plot but their death breaks things? They de-emphasized permadeath with each game as they drift further from intellectual strategy built for permadeath (an old FR game gave you 6 Cavaliers of decreasing strength during the story just in case most die) to horny dating sim land where savescumming is made easier with a Rewind Time button, so they should just cut permadeath and make a better story where characters can interact outside of gimmicky monastery shit and optional paired scenes of usually mediocre quality.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355521
What are your least favourite cheaty writing techniques?
Anonymous
91845a6
?
No.355545
355590 355675
>>355427
Heh, sorry but I didn't get your refrence. I'm a pleb.

But anyway, I'm gonna try to finish soon, like today or tomorrow. However, I browsed in the tutorial section of that site and found a page about how to make a book. Appearently, you make a note and then chapters in it's table of contents are like hyperlinks. So you click on them and get to the chapter.
I'd been think that might be a good way for us to structure this since we're anyway going to do this chapter by chapter.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355590
>>355545
>Heh, sorry but I didn't get your refrence. I'm a pleb.
You said not to rush you. The song is by a band called Rush.

The chapter thing should work great, it will be an easier way to keep things organized.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355596
355838
1k per month commiefornia homes vs work camp.png
>be protagonist genius who wants to learn how to fix cars because it pays better than farming and being a construction worker
>go to college at capital inspired by San Fran, London, Jew York, all the awful cities of the world combined
itsallshit.jpeg
>nigger gangs, anti-homeless gay rocks, accomodations for students that make auschwitz look luxurious, dirty needles and junkie hobos, shitting niggers, armoured volunteers feeding rapefugee camps, poor doors so low-income tenants don't have to be seen by richer ones, drivers arrested for leaving skid marks on the gay road stripes, 1k a month to live in a pod and eat goyslop, his home lacks anything you can use to cook beyond a microwave for plastic packaged shit, it's jewed harder than the protagonist's hometown, the capital was built around a mountain with rich people at the top to help the viewer visually understand the class system that gets spelled out because otherwise some readers won't get it
>this is the "best" college in the country and it's still jewed
>college life is suffering
>can't even study something good like engineering without being forced to embrace jew lies in mandatory "humanities" courses
>works hard anyway and when the term is over he goes home for christmas
>while the hero was away niggers gangraped his mom in front of his cuckservative dad who still can't hate niggers like the hero does?
>commie mob attacks to burn down the family farm
>hero embraces national socialism and kills for a better world for the next 10 chapters
Timeskip.png
WeDidIt.jpeg
>the revolution succeeded, new golden age without the jews ruining hero's country
>every character who was fucked over by the jews and niggers and fought is better off now
>hero fights defensive war for 10 more chapters to protect homeland from invaders who believe jew lies
>jews fire nukes at all white countries in a last ditch effort to stop the white Renaissance
>hero redirects the nukes to pissrael and black africa and sandniggertopia and other places that deserve it more than us
>the end

Looking good?
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355597
355598
Also how easy is it for you guys to see greentext on the default orange backgrounds?
Anonymous
147b5ef
?
No.355598
>>355597
Easy enough for me
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355600
A message sent to me was so beautiful, I wanted to share it with others.

>I understand your fears. And I am sure the project is quite ambitious. But we must not be afraid of our ambitions. If we cannot imagine what we're capable of, then we'll never be capable of anything. To imagine an ideal, to strive for an ideal, this is the mark of a great mind. I am sure that you are capable of accomplishing great things. Do not hold back. Write, and write with a fearless heart.
>I see an artist afraid to create for fear of failure. I see a man who worries about his plans, his projects, but who does not act upon them for fear of never living up to his own standards. But I see a spark within you, a spark of inspiration and ambition. A fire, which if fed, can grow into something beautiful and magnificent.
>It is often the most ambitious projects that inspire and amaze. You see into the depths of yourself and the limits of human achievement when pushing yourself to the brink. Perhaps the most admirable traits in humans are the strength of will and perseverance to accomplish the impossible.
>I think if you let go of your idea of perfection, and let go of the notion that you must get it right, you will let go of expectations, and thus expectations cannot weigh you down. Once you let go of perfection, you must be willing to fail, for that is the best way to achieve success. You are creating art, and art is not meant to be an exact science. It is an exploration of the human experience.
>You should not care whether your audience likes your setting and characters. Let go of your attachment to the outcome of your project as you write. If you do it correctly, the project will flow from your mind, like a stream. The story will create itself through your imagination, and you will simply be a spectator. This is how a creator creates, without attachment to outcomes.
>I think you should write about what you find compelling. The more honest you are, the more authentic and powerful your story will be. And when you write authentically, like the protagonist's struggles with forces beyond his control, people will relate to the character. People can forgive a poorly crafted word. But they cannot forgive a phony character nor a dishonest story. Don't worry if people like the characters or understand the setting or the themes. I say to you: love your characters and your world, and then show us, share with us, what it means to you. Share with us your love of your own story, because that is the most precious thing.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
cc280ea
?
No.355675
355680 355681 355683 355700 355708 355731 355838
pyx.png
I usually try to word-vomit something for NaNoWriMo every year, and I was going to work more on the Muffins of Madness thing but hit a wall with it. However, back when I was doing the review for Past Sins I had an idea to do a parody of it that simultaneously made fun of the original story and also tried to correct a few of the things I thought was wrong with it. For whatever reason I got in the mood to actually attempt this, and I've managed to churn out quite a bit so far. Also, I decided to replace Nyx with a completely ridiculous OC I created myself.

Here is most of what I have so far. I'm curious if other people find this as funny as I do.

https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/r11cE4hSs

>>355545
Also, Sven, are you still working or is it my turn now? Still no rush; just checking.
Anonymous
a11ad37
?
No.355680
>>355675
It should be your turn soon. I realized that due to having so much time to think about my first chapter, it became too long and too much effort.
That's why I'm shifting gears. I'm currently writing a much simpler first chapter for another story instead. It will only be about 1k words long and we'll use this one for our relay writing instead.

Hopefully, I have it done by tonight. I''l post it here.
Anonymous
a11ad37
?
No.355681
355711
>>355675
I like your oc's character design. The leopard clothes and white stripes a subtle but funny additions.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355683
355711
>>355675
Excellent Nyx parody, Nyx was clearly thrown together in a Pony Maker program first and then written about(black fur? Ugly green hairband? Ugly purple hair?) and this calls attention to that in all the right ways. That ugly hairband could only be worse if it was cheetah coloured. The meaningless detail of the glasses and stripes hammers the point home. Nyx wears her glasses to hide her weird Nightmare Moon eyes and her clothes to hide her wings, but she's drawn without wings here to represent how arbitrary is. Nyx's design works on zero levels. Everything is either random or an excuse. She is black because Nightmare Moon, she wears things to hide her Alicorn nature, and anything they can't pin on NMM is a random colour because Nyx is nothing but a hastily assembled shell artistically void of creativity. She is nothing without NMM even though the fic chooses to kill NMM with a rainbow laser after too many chapters of confused bullshit where the vague idea of a filly whines about NMM for a bit and then the author stops taking his half doses of normal pills.
Anonymous
a11ad37
?
No.355700
355711
>>355675
I have read your stoory now. It's funny, your oc makes me root for her in a way miss harry poner didn't. Pyx>Nyx.
Anonymous
a11ad37
?
No.355708
355709 355712
>>355675
So GG it's done.

Can you copy paste this and put it on an hackmd note like the one you did for your nyx story. I don't know how to make it like that with the chapters but it would be a fitting format.
Below is Chapter 1.

A whistle sounded. On a podium stood a biege mare with a pink and blue mane and tail. Her eyes were obscured by black sunglasses. She looked tough.

A row of eight fillies set off along each other on a obstacle course. They crawled under barbed-wire, climbed a wall with a rope, balanced over a small drop on a pole, and swam across a pool.

Among them was green earth pony filly. Her eyes shone a sharp emerald sheen. Her mane and tail were black and had no style to them. They were simply combed and nothing more. She was lithe like gymnast but strong like young bull. Her muscles took up little volume on her boyd but what was there was visibly defined.

She was in the middle of the pack during the obstacle course. She caught glimpses of how the others were ahead. Only one other earth pony was ahead of her, the rest were unicorns or pegasi. They uses their magic respectively wings to aid them in the obstacle course. Sometimes it help a lot, like flying over wall, yeah, it really wasn't fair. But life wasn't fair, as the green filly's mentor and gurdian liked to remind her of. She threw a glance at the mare in the sunglasses. She didn't want to fail here.

It's my whole that matters. Remember, capitalize on your strengths, compensate for your weaknesses. I will get my chance. All I gotta do is wait. The green filly thought to herself as she dove into the pool.

The filly jumped up on the otherside of the pool after some powerful butterfly strokes. She shook of the water on her body.

In front of her was and intructor, mare with military face paint on her. She was a unicorn. She regarded the filly cooly. The filly peeked over onto the other tracks. About half of the fillies that had been ahead of her had been apprehended.

She wasn't suppose to fight the mare just pass her beyond a drawn red line ahead.

The mare didn't move from her spot, instead she just regarded her.

The green filly tilted her head one side then the next followed by two succint cracks. She need stop here, despite being on a timer because a screw up here and it was all over.

Like a spider disappearing back into it's web's safest part when one got to close, the filly almost disappeared as she took off. But the intructor was ready.

She fainted right but then went left. The instructor didn't buy the faint completely but she was still too late. Her hooves hugged air as she just missed the filly.

The filly saw the red line and momentarily slowed down as she realized that she would make it only to mentally chastize herself for it.

I't ain't over until Celestia sings.

And it sure wasn't. She felt her hindlegs get pull into the air along with her tail. Soon her entire body was airborne and engulfed in a magical aura.

Of course, since she was a unicorn why wouldn't she use that to her advantage. She was pulled close to the unicorn again. The filly, however, had been taught in how to break both physical as mental spells.

She began to flail her hooves, twist, and struggle with her body against the magic hold on her. Trying to find the weakpoint in her aura. There were always one point that a unicorn couldn't focus on. Suddenly, the hold on her front half broke through and with the sudden counted twisting momentum, the rest of her body followed.

The filly fell onto the ground in a heap with a thud but she popped back up on her hooves again. She took a quick peek back at the instructor. As suspected, her twisting free from her aura had caused the instructor to put a hoof to her forehead in pain. The filly knew though that this was only temporary so she reached out to finish her with a knockout punch. She held her hoof up for a chop near her near her neck and... She just hung there. Her eyes widen and immidately turned to run. She could feel the magic tug on her tail but the unicorn didn't get a good enough grasp on her before she passed the redline after which she let go completely.
Anonymous
a11ad37
?
No.355709
355710
>>355708
She continued to run. She passed through more obstacles, such as running through a parkour course, but also puzzles she needed to solve to continue, like a bomb-diffusion.

She had know there were two fillies ahead of her, one pegasus and one unicorn but it was after she diffused the fake magic explosive obelisk, she actually saw their backs again.

They were carrying a mare, another stoic instrutor, across a muddy field. The pegasus struggled as she flew her strok style as the mare hung from some kind of rope contraption. The filly realized that she must have undone the knot that held the rope for the wall in the begining of the course and took it with her because it was the same kind of rope. There was nothing in the rules that said you couldn't use that but she had been lucky that she got use for it, well whatever. The unicorn levitated the mare as the waded through the mud.

This is it. My chance!

She ran up to her mare. Saw her ”damaged” hoof and bandaged it up with the medical supplies that where there. Then dragged the mare that was probably around twice her weight onto herself.

Oh, wow. She heavy af.

The filly was mored tired then she had thought and the mare had been heavy to her regardless. She exhaled heavily but then shook her head. Determination shone in her beaitiful emerald orbs.

She took one step and then another after a few, they just kept comming. She began trotting, then the mud came each step was even more painful then before.

After a third way in, she realized that she had to pace herself. Her muscles were burning and despite her copious breaths, she couldn't replace the oxygen in her lungs fast enough.

The others had about a third left but she had to wait a pit more before she went all out. She had that in her but she had to reach her target otherwise it was pointless.

Wait for it.

She had a better pace then the two ahead. The pegasus had fallen behind the unicorn because she couldn't fly the mare further was now dragging her behind her with the rope. This also meant that the unicorn wasn't pushed to her at the end. The unicorn had the end just ahead of her and at this point anyone couldn't be faulted for wanting to take some rest.

The green filly knew this and knew that this was the moment to use hundred percent of her power!!!

”Aaaarrgggghhhh!!!” she screamed and then started galloping.

All things around her disappeared as she as each hoof felt like they were on fire but she keept moving them forward and back. She didn't let up. Dirt was kicked up in her wake.

The unicorn had reacted to her scream probably surprised that there were somepony else with her at home stretch other than the pegasus.

She began to run as well but the green filly overtook her soon just at the finish line at the end of the muddy field.

The filly collapsed, completely spent, and just tipped the mare off her. She was inhaling and exhaling into the grass.

”I won...” she whispered to herself.

Later that evening, the green filly was laying in the shower of her home, or her guardian's home. After making her presentable, grabbing a package of mild from the fridge, wrestling out of the gripp of her gurdian's roommate, the human enthusiast Lyra Heartstrings, she entered her guardian's office.

She almost stood attention at her guardian's desk but she reminded herself that at home she wasn't her drill sergeant. So instead she slouched in an armchair.

”Sup Mom,” she called and waved at the beige mare with mane and tail split between blue and pink. ”Anonymous Filly reporting in for duty.”

Bon Bon or special agent Sweetie Drops did not looked pleased.

”Nonny, how many times do I have to tell you, sit up-right. Don't force me to use my inner drill sergeant at home.”

Anon grinned.

”Try me old mare.”

She took off her sunglasses she had worn all day and glared at the filly. Then she ”tch” with her tongue and let it slid.

”Are you gonna make me regret recomanding you to a mission of top national security?”

Anon instantly sat up in her chair. ”I got a mission?”
Anonymous
a11ad37
?
No.355710
7D3F9F247073B5DE6C64FD8214803142-48206.png
3132594__safe_artist-colon-menalia_derpibooru+import_bon+bon_sweetie+drops_earth+pony_pony_agent_alternate+hairstyle_clothes_danganronpa_gloves_looking+at+somet.png
2386315__safe_artist-colon-flutterthrash_princess+flurry+heart_sweetie+belle_alicorn_pony_unicorn_bullet+belt_collar_dialogue_duo_female_mare_metal+belle_older_.jpg
>>355709
”Yes, you passed the exam today and you're now a junior S.M.I.L.E. Agent.”

Anon's eyes were wide in shock.

”Wow. I thought I passed but I never really thought...” She shook her head. ”Uh... What will I be doing exactly?”

Bon Bon regarded the filly. ”We have reasons to believe that Princess Flurry Heart is in danger. We have chosen that the best course of action is to asign her a personal bodyguard to be present in all her daily buisness.”

”The filly princess...” Anon was trying to take it all in. ”She is about my age, right?”

”Yes, in fact, you're the same age so the agency thought it suited to have you join her class as well so you're moving for the Crystal Empire for as long as the agency thinks the threat remains.”

”And- You think that I'm ready for this?” Anon asked nervously.

”Are you?” Bon Bon gave her a sceptical look.

Anon sat there and pondered for a moment. She had passed the exams. She was a junior s.m.i.l.e. Agent. Being the sameage as her client would probably made it so that it wouldn't be obvious that she was a bodyguard but just appeared like another friend to the princess. It could be a very easy and calm job that would be great for her resume later.

She came to a decision. She nodded.

”Yes, I think I am. Thanks, mom for giving me this opportunity.”

Bon Bon nodded.

”My recomandation wouldn't meant squack if you hadn't proven yourself today. But this is good, then I'll inform Princess Celestia of this matter so it can become 'offical'.”

Bon Bon started to sign some papers with a pencil in her mouth before she turned the papers over and slid them over to Anon.

She did a motion towards the papers and gave Anon a look that said, 'sign here'.

As Anon wrote, Bon Bon continue to speak, ”The instructors were impressed by the way, however, one brought up something. Appearently, you hadn't delievered a knock out hit when you could.”

Anon stood her mouth writing and looked up. Bon Bon grasped Anon's cheeks with her hooves. She gave her soft look for the first time since she entered the room.

”Your still soft, Nonny. In this business there will be times when you face real threats that that kind of hesitation or avoidance will get you or others killed. It's a beautiful gift but sometimes you need to be cold. Do you understand?”

Anon looked embarrassed. She nodded and looked away.

”Yes, I do mother.”

Princess Flurry Heart was shredding her electic guitar and the amplifier was trying to destory a nearby window in her room. Her mane was done in traditional hair-rock style. Her ears were piersed with skulls. She had thick black eyeliner around her eyes. Around her neck she wore a spiked collar.

She bagan to scream into a nearby microphone and then started to growl some magical curses without casting them, of course.

A loud banging came from her door as she was banging her head.

”Flurry!”

She shut her eyes, trying to ignore the pony banging on the door.

”Not now I'm in the zone, the Tarturus Zone!” she screamed to wards the door.

Tarturus Zone was the name of her band.

”Lower the volume!”

She tried to ignore the voice at the door started to flick the strings of her guitar like she flicks her bean to her hot magic teacher Sunburst.

More loud banging came from the door.

”SHUT IT OFF NOW!”

She shut her eyes as a vein pulsed in her forehead. With her magic, she shut the amplifier off.

”Thanks you,” somepony said sarcastically from the other side of the door.

Flurry rolled her eyes. Gently placed her guitar on the floor before moving over to her mirror. She felt a bit emo after being told not play anymore, or lower the volume, same difference. She decided to wipe of her red lipstick that she had drawn to make it look like blood running down at the corners of her mouth on her pale face. Instead she put on purple lipstick one and planted a big kiss on the mirror, imagining Sunburst while she did so.

Looking good, Fury.

Fury was her artist name. She was a tough filly.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355711
355731 355734 355975
>>355681
>>355683
>>355700
Thanks. So long as I can say I one-upped a guy using an even stupider character than the one he came up with, I think I can call the project a success.

Also, here's the rest of what I've written so far; hackmd has some kind of character limit or something.

https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/ryLqti3Ho
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355712
355713 355715 355719
>>355708

Here it is:

https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/SyZdTa3rj

There actually isn't a way to create separate documents as chapters, but if you type the chapter titles in this format:

# Chapter Title

Where it starts with a pound sign followed by a space followed by the title, that's how it splits into sections. However, there seems to be a length limit on these notes, so my guess is we're going to run out of space eventually. That isn't a huge deal though, it just means we'll have to create a new note once we hit the limit.

However, I can't figure out how to add another person as collaborator, how did you do that exactly?
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355713
355719
>>355712
Anyway, I will probably start working on it tomorrow night.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355715
>>355712
Have you considered using Parsec? It's intended for making local co op multiplayer games online but if you two screenshare and connect his keyboard to your PC you can both type the story together on the same word document. Does it still let you classify apps like Open Office as games?
Anonymous
776b021
?
No.355719
355721
>>355712
>However, I can't figure out how to add another person as collaborator, how did you do that exactly?
The images I attached will show you the way.
># Chapter Title
>Where it starts with a pound sign followed by a space followed by the title, that's how it splits into sections.
Huh, now I know. thanks
>>355713
Thanks for the sugguestion. I guess if GG likes it I can be up for it but it seems a bit overkill for what where doing.
>>355713
Yeah, perfect. No, rush as you say.
Anonymous
776b021
?
No.355721
355763
Click Share .png
Click the blue more (comment, invitee).png
After this you decide the amount of access the person will have.png
>>355719
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355730
>be deleting old emails
>find faggy emails from former friend who went full libtard
Jesus, I'd forgotten all about this guy. But this is everything wrong with the liberal mindset right here. Lying, gaslighting, bargaining, pleading, reality denial, suicide threats, appeals to authority, appeals to force, support for authoritarianism originating from his dysgenic weakness, sending dick pics to his discord daddy who owns the server he invited you into so you can be censored while the faggot gloats, this pathetic male prostitute girlyboy is so stupid and corrupt and pathetic...

So cartoonishly unrealistically fucking awful...

I bet if I immortalized him in my fiction I'd have to tone down his faggotry so people would believe someone like this could exist. And I was still optimistic about politics back when I knew him so I was trying to reason with him and explain why he's wrong in the real world and in the world of fiction. That furfag wants law abiding good people disarmed and helpless to defend themselves. If he was part animal in a world of animal people he'd be part of an evil cult that wants carnivores drugged or surgically defanged and declawed and also disarmed. Faggot just didn't care.

I think I should put a faggot inspired by that faggot into my political story to be wrong about everything and say all the gay shit he said, completing the circle. He always felt like he emerged from a political cartoon meant to mock him. A living soy wojack in the flesh. But I don't want to use his real name or any of his real physical traits in his design. I'm not making this to insult individuals, I'm making this to explore ideas. He is the end of the exploration of leftist failure. The genetic failure, the lying abusive "friend", the sickening rot that smiles as it backstabs you, lies as it seeks to remove your rights, and cries out in pain as it strikes you
Anonymous
acfc805
?
No.355731
355737 355763
>>355675
>>355711
Funny shit, Glim. Also, I'd dick Pyx.
Anonymous
776b021
?
No.355734
355763
>>355711
Btw, are you rreading through your own review of the story before you write the representing chapter as to remind yourself with what you had a problem with the story with?
Anonymous
776b021
?
No.355737
>>355731
Yeah, but would you not dick any pony?
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355757
355763
Glim, why does Pyx talk like a weeb?

Is it commentary on the artificial insufferably "cutesy" nature of waifubait and daughterubait characters like this one?
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355763
355764 355767 355768 355838
>>355721
Alright, should be set up for you. I'm assuming you're Nairobi; otherwise I just gave write access to some random person. I didn't end up doing anything on it last night, but I will get started writing my chapter very soon.

>>355731
>dick-pyx
heh

>>355734
The way I've been doing it is this:

I keep a tab open with my original archived review thread for Past Sins, because there were some specific notes I made about directions I thought the story could have gone that might have improved it. I also have the original text and a plot synopsis I found on some other site, an MLP fan-project wiki. I'm mostly using the plot synopsis as a broad outline for major events, and I also periodically reference the original story to compare what I'm doing to what Pen Stroke did originally. And again, I do check my own review thread from time to time as well, because I remember I had some ideas in there that I didn't think were half-bad. For instance the scene where Twilight tries to give Pyx a bath and she goes on a rampage was based on something I came up with during that review, that I remember thinking would have made the original bath scene less dull.

>>355757
>Glim, why does Pyx talk like a weeb?
Honestly, it's mostly for giggles. One of the things I remember from reviewing Past Sins is that it reminded me of an anime plot along the lines of Chobits, where the main character randomly finds a girl in some strange location and she has no memory. The character then takes her in, and in the early part of the story has to teach her a lot of basic things about day to day interaction with the world, so initially the MC takes on sort of an adoptive parent/older sibling type role. You probably could interpret Pyx as commentary on that sort of character, though I'm thinking of it more as just me good-naturedly poking fun at the concept. In addition to having amnesia at the beginning of the story and needing to be taken care of by the MC, the girl character in those stories is usually also some kind of high-powered magical or scientific anomaly, and usually there is some kind of government or corporate entity after her. The premise of Past Sins struck me as very similar.

The part where Twilight finds the filly and all she can say is "Pyx" is a direct reference to Chobits; in that story, when the guy finds the girl, the only thing she can say is "Chi" so that becomes her name. There's another anime called DearS that has the same setup: guy finds an alien girl, all she can say is "Ren," so he names her Ren. There are some others that are like this, too. In all of these stories, the girl character is suffering from some form of amnesia that limits her speech initially, but she conveniently remembers how to talk by the second or third episode. In mine, the same thing happens: Pyx can initially only say her name, then she just starts randomly speaking perfect English the next day and nobody really comments on it.

The rest of Pyx's catch phrases are all well-known anime girl catch phrases. "Nipah" is the catch phrase of a girl name Rika Furude in Higurashi When They Cry, and "Tutturu" is the catch phrase of Mayushi from Stein's Gate. "Desu" of course is from that one girl from Rozen Maiden, whose actual name I can't recall because 4chan has permanently imprinted "Desu" on my brain as her name. If I can remember any others I will probably add them to her vocabulary. The way I set it up, she basically picks up more and more weeb-isms as the story progresses: initially all she can say is "Pyx," then for no reason she starts saying "Nipah," then "Tutturu," then "desu," etc. There isn't really any deep reason for her to be doing this, and it makes no sense in-world; the idea I guess is just to emphasize that she's a ridiculous character and nothing in this story is meant to be taken all that seriously.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHuqS8ej6fI
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22IWi21lwok
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355764
355766
>>355763
Cool! Do you think naming a girl after the only sound she can make was inspired by Pokemon ("Pikachu pi!") or something older than that? Now that I think about it anime romances start with naming and adopting an amnesiac girl are surprisingly common.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355766
355769
>>355764
It's actually a pretty common Japanese thing from what I understand, they've been doing characters like that forever. Same thing with cutesy characters who have some nonsensical catch phrase that they repeat. Oldest instance I can think of are the Moogles in the old Final Fantasy games saying "kupo." I'm not sure where the idea originates from or if it even has an origin point, but it's definitely pretty well ingrained into Japanese pop culture.
Anonymous
33db097
?
No.355767
355787
>>355763
>I just gave write access to some random person.
You totally did. My username is Krython Ossban. It's the name of an oc to a star wars fanfic that I have on the backburner. At the time, I had just come up with the name and thought, I might as well call my account that.
Anonymous
33db097
?
No.355768
>>355763
<dick-pyx
>heh
Yeah, I didn't catch that at first but yeah that's funny.
Anonymous
33db097
?
No.355769
355787
>>355766
I like that you have ponies react to character schticks that in "normal" media no one reacts. Like Pyx saying "Tutturu" and other such catchphrases but instead of characters acting like nothing weird happened In fairness characters probably did so in Stein's Gate as well since it is a very meta-aware show they ask, "What does Nipah means." That scene with the cmc was great and lovely btw.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355787
355788 355789
>>355767
Well, shit.

I couldn't remember what your user name was and unfortunately HackMD doesn't show the usernames of collaborators who aren't online, so I just guessed and assumed the other name in the screenshot was you. Oh well, whoever that guy was he didn't do anything to our document that I can see. Anyway, you should hopefully be added as a writer now.

I'm currently working on it offline, I will upload my part to the document as soon as it's ready.

>>355769
>That scene with the cmc was great and lovely btw.
Thank you, I rather enjoyed writing that one.
Anonymous
817b772
?
No.355788
>>355787
>I'm currently working on it offline, I will upload my part to the
Nice.
Anonymous
817b772
?
No.355789
>>355787
Yes, I can change it as well.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355794
355795
__shadow_the_hedgehog_and_cream_the_rabbit_sonic_drawn_by_kiikoi11__sample-3039f40303200e91c476f145eab66826.jpg
Shadow the Hedgehog has a ridiculously dark and edgy story for what used to be a brightly coloured series where a looney tunes cereal mascot rolls around smashing robots and fighting a fat russian with a disposable slave army to save the environment.

Shadow's story has got AIDS, a dead little girl, UN massacred space colonist families aboard the death star, government coverups, and a grumpy hedgehog with a motorcycle and gun.

Do you think a sonic reboot should try to "reinvent that wheel" and rework Shadow to fit the series's tone better or say "fuck it" and leave everything as it is despite completely reworking Blaze and 06 and Elise?

Shadow could still be artificially made in a lab, forced to fight in a testing facility, befriend artificial hedgehog Maria, fight for them to escape only for her to sacrifice herself to save him at the last second, it could still work without needing to be so... overly extreme.

With this reboot concept I'm shooting for extreme sports, not extreme edge.
Anonymous
817b772
?
No.355795
355796
>>355794
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ol3R4DacE2I&ab_channel=2Snacks
This?
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355796
toot toot sonic justice warrior.png
>>355795
Yeah, that's the guy. Edgy the Hedgy. Gunshot sounds in the menu, lines like "This is like taking candy from a baby, which is fine by me!", it's the game Shadow deserved for being early 2000s edge personified. It's impossible to tell if they were taking the piss or not with this one because they did 06 unironically. 06 tried giving Sonic and a human girl a romance arc, then said "wait shit humans can't go fast like hedgehogs. Let's give her powers or cyber enhancements. Lmao just kidding that would make too much sense. Let's have her get kidnapped and saved 5 times between cutscenes, and do a level where Sonic's slowed down because he's carrying her like a sack of potatoes."

Labrys, that robot chick with the big axe and Brooklyn accent from Persona 4 Arena, her backstory's pretty dark and tragic but it doesn't feel as out of place as Shadow's does in his world. More importantly it doesn't cast a dark shadow over the entire franchise by blaming all of humanity for the fucked up shit that led to one character being the way that character is.

That "Shadow and Maria were cloned, forced to fight other hedgehog clones, they escaped and she died getting him out" story keeps the major beats of Shadow's backstory while dropping everything extreme like The ARK, AIDS, Eggman's grandfather and Littlest Cancer Patient sister nobody ever knew about, GUN, all of that extra stuff the Sonic franchise is extremely disinterested in ever thinking about again. Hell, come to think of it, Shadow and Maria don't even have to be artificial, though if they were orphans kidnapped by an evil corporation or corrupt govt organization that would be darker.

GUN could have been one evil company, maybe a PMC working for the government, instead of the globalist police force of a retardedly united humanity. Eggman or an underling of his or a rival of his could have made Shadow, this didn't have to involve a 50 year govt coverup where they sent the UN to massacre everyone including a little ill girl and all the innocent scientists on board and all of their family members on board just because humanity became afraid of Gerald and the Super Hedgehog he created to somehow cure his granddaughter's AIDS(is his immortal blood some kind of ingredient for a miracle cure?). SA2 had this scene where Gerald Robotnik's on every screen ranting at human as he crashes his Space Colony ARK to earth with no survivors, and we see ugly CGI humans reacting to this news. Earth cities, not futuristic or Eggman-style cities. No scene with furries reacting. No wonder Sonic X chose to interpret the sudden shift of "There's one human, Eggman, on a planet of furries" to "Humans, humans everywhere and like 30 anthros" as Sonic and friends literally getting teleported to Earth from Mobius so Sonic Adventure 1 and 2 could happen.

Shadow, Rouge the former govt spy who infiltrated Eggman's team only for him to leave her behind on Prison Island and nearly blown up only to be saved by Shadow, and E123 Omega the funny robot pissed at Eggman for locking him in a room to guard a trapped Shadow for a while... None of these three characters have any reason to loyally serve GUN. But when they are depicted, they're usually serving GUN, and they've never established why any of these characters would want to work with GUN or for GUN as far as I'm aware.
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.355838
355844
>>355596
The Camp of the Saints is subtle compared to this. When you write a story with a message, you really want to make the reader feel the same way you do so there's a temptation to ham it up to make it unambiguous. However, when you do so you run the risk of bathos or ridiculousness, even if your writing quality is otherwise good. It's actually a major reason as to why modern media objectively sucks, because whereas liberals of the past knew how to compose a realistic story that resonated with people, current year ones are so indoctrinated they cannot understand nuance and so push a constant left-wing message.

For something like this, I recommend environment-building events that are mostly in the background but affect the protagonist's way of life, a single traumatizing event (or maybe two) that seriously affects how he functions, and his struggle to overcome that and achieve a higher purpose. The Kite Flyer is a repugnant book written by a faggot author, but it follows this formula effectively (it's about a pampered kid who lets his most loyal friend get ass-raped and only semi-successfully making amends for it years later). 1984 has multiple instances of rising events shaping Winston: Writing in his diary, banging his lover, getting SWATted, giving in to torture, and although Orwell's most famous work is overrated imo, it does show fear, paranoia and rebellion at each step.

I recommend Castles of Vapor as a strong example of how to write a story condemning and satirizing modern society (it's set in Seattle) without going overboard and being hijacked by the message. Or you could go the Jonathan Swift route and have over-your-head satire but in a ridiculous world that is entertaining to read. But do keep in mind the last two books of Gulliver's Travels are more polemical and less widely read. It just occurred to me that Book IV could be the world's first HiE story and that's amusing to me.

You can and probably should depict your former friend as he is nearly exactly (aside from name and physical features), because real things you've witnessed are the easiest to write about, but you exercise judgement on what else you want to incorporate.

>>355675
Kek, this is actually better than what I expected.

>>355763
lol weeb That's a clever satire of that sort of anime, and including references to multiple example serves to round it out.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355844
>>355838
I'm assuming this isn't subtle enough.
>My birth parents and siblings got killed by the govt or communists who raided our farm, only my adorable little sister and I survived, now I live with two adopted parents, a soft dumbass libtard woman the left will happily betray without a second thought and probably rape, also she is married to a cuckservative weak infertile man who day drinks and grumbles and whines ineffectively and never shuts up about how anyome more conservative than him is too extreme and "WHEN III WAS A BOY I SHOVELED SHIT IN STABLES FOR 2 DOLLARS AN HOUR" even though thanks to inflation 2 dollars from his childhood is worth 15 dollars now and I, an overworked construction site labourer, get paid far less than 15 dollars an hour.
>also my protagonist saves a rich girl from being gang raped by orcs by killing them all and their romance arc lets me explore parts of society he would never be allowed into without her and she gradually gets more based while he gradually becomes less introverted and cripplingly depressed over the state of the world

I was thinking these dumb boomer adoptive parents could be a good way to explore the failures of soft cuckservativism and soft libtardism, how the left eats their own and eats soft cuckservatives alive for conserving nothing, and how there's nothing noble about the "moderation" those narcissistic dumbasses displayed when they wore political ideas they didnt truly understand or believe in like fashionable hats. I could never marry a libtard but boomer cuckservatives could because they never really believed in anything but themselves.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355847
A lot of what I wrote is shaped by reactions of my proofreaders. In one scene where the protagonist explains inflation to his girlfriend and the proofreaders called it boring. So I wrote a scene where cuckservative dad rants "If poor people dont want to be poor they should work harder, when I was a teenaged boy I shoveled shit for 2 dollars an hour" and that made the proofreaders hate him so much, they were fine with the hero going upstarirs and grumbling to himself "Fucking selfish prick. He's got his so he doesn't care about anyone else. How is anyone supposed to get a manual labor job when everything needs an expensive license these days and the country was flooded with immigrants willing to work for less so they can stay here, or worse, immigrants willing to work for even less because they are paid to be here? Before his generation allowed inflation to skyrocket his 2 dollars an hour was worth more than my money. You'd need to be given 15 dollars an hour for work today to match the value he was given for his labor. I don't make that much helping to build hotels the govt is going to flood with rapefugees! The hotel gets double its usual room cost from the govt for housing Orcs, to help the hotel pay for any damages or hush money caused by Orc Moments. This would not be necessary if the Orcs were just like us deep down."
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.355927
Because I'm writing a story about a rebellion I rewatched Code Geass because there was a rebellion in that show. But Code Geass did a lot wrong and I want to avoid making those mistakes in my work.

What I wrote was way too long for this thread but is it correct to say instead of serving the story's need to constantly top itself with shocking twists and excalating excessive melodrama, Suzaku and Euphemia from Code Geass should have been used to intelligently explore what rebelling from inside the system is and isn't, giving them a character arc where they start out naively thinking "Putting Euphemia on the throne will make the empire that controls 1/3rd of the world and is oppressing everybody morally good and solve everything, and open rebellion is bad because it results in bloodshed and it kills soldiers serving the empire" but after the coup Euphemia turns out to be a puppet-king without true autonomy while her evil allies hold all the real power and can replace her at any time should she rebel, so Suzaku and Euphemia risk everything to leak all of Britannia's dirty secrets and let the people know revolution is necessary and then join Lelouch's Black Knights, even though it means putting away their childish fantasies of "playing princess and knight" and abandoning their respective birthrights to do the right thing no matter the cost?
https://mlpol.net/ub/3147#6260
Anonymous
6c09a87
?
No.355948
355967 355977
>You are a stick.
>Well you once were a tree.
>Then a being of near limitless power made by a mad Queen.
>You're The clone of Twilight Sparkle, except superior in everyway.
>If only those incompetent fools did as you commanded you would have succeeded.
>Untouchable as they all fall under your superiority.
>Except you're a stick because the Tree of Harmony launched a counter attack at the minions failings, but not that irritating bug Queen Chrysalis.
>You would have won.
>You've been brought by that bug as she just goes on and on.
>Power out of reach, Grogar's Bell.
>The centaur and filly and the bug working to dismantle Grogar.
>Their near success.
>And them becoming stone.
>The filly had a decent tactical mind, subpar to your own of course, but would have made a good minion.
>The centaur could brute force his way through obstacles and not be entirely incompetent.
>The bug used the only thing important about her, her body.
>Now you understand you needed knowledge and more importantly wisdom.
>Those things leverage power to even greater heights!
>To safe guard power from all sides!
>So you began to theorize, plot and plan with everything you experience adding to things that need to be tested once free.
Anonymous
c1316db
?
No.355967
>>355948
What will become of Twilog Stickle?
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355975
355982 356060
>>355711

Got some more of the Pyx story done:

Updated:
https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/ryLqti3Ho

Hit length limit again, here's the rest of what I have:
https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/ryT8dxL8j

- - - - - - -

Also, Sven, I should hopefully have my part of the collab done by tomorrow night sometime.
Anonymous
6c09a87
?
No.355977
>>355948
>You are Twilog Stickle
>You don't care any more.
>Unmoving as ages pass.
>The magical and technical revolutions pass by.
>So slowly time creeps across.
>Just like that it's done.
>It's over, everypony and creature left.
>They didn't quite figure out a permanent solution to entropy universes invading.
>There's just star dust and you.
>An immortal impervious stick.
>No being could ever command or compel you just as you wanted.
>No creature, being or pony could care about the bizarre log that exists as is.
>You've seen the last star be exhausted.
>Blackholes gone.
>There's just you and decaying matter and magic.
>Soon what once was the birth universe of the greatest beings is claimed in total by parasites.
>In a few hours all that is left is you.
>Those entropic universes collapse other universes to build things in their twisted purview.
>It's over now.
>The very fabric of the universe shrinks and now you're too big to even fit inside fully.
>Then you hear them those ponies that hold the Elements of Harmony
>Twilight Sparkle and her friends
>"All together now."
>Harmony crashes through and into you, the only thing keeping their universe from fully falling through.
>A strange voice speaks to you.
>"I've failed you bearer of magic and now we set things right."
>You can't speak because you're a stick, but you're the only thing in here and the Tree of Harmony cares hearing the undetectable thoughts.
>"Will you accept our help?"
>Is there any other answer?
>"Very well, we shall use your mind, body and memories and all we have to fashion what is more."
>"We shall be as Yggdrasil yet in our own ways."
>Everything
>Melts
>Away
>You're
>A L I V E
>More than infinity as your existence.
>"We ask that you do what is right, yet that is only asking. Please awaken your heart."
>Eons of memory is slipped away, as the bed of pony kind makes for new frontiers bigger, better and the counter to the last threat.
>Self awareness of a universe housing multiverese that house within themselves more similar expanding universes going on and on.
>Ultimate power
>Utimate omniscience
>And the request
>Leave it for now to go and
>L I V E

>You are the better version of Twilight Sparkle.
>That bug is in for a nasty suprise as you nearly push her beam back to where it came.
>A white tendril interrupts.
>The Tree of Harmony has you and your minions in its grasp.
>It does something and you remember.
>And you scream and fight against being eroded to just a fucking stick again.
>You hear something further away.
>For the first time you witness being unconscious.
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.355980
>Twiglog Barkle
Anonymous
885c101
?
No.355982
356043
>>355975
>Also, Sven, I should hopefully have my part of the collab done by tomorrow night sometime.
Uso Da!!1
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356013
356020 356044
Turns out Chatoyance is 62 going on 63. I was crapping on an old person's work this whole time. Am I a bad person?
Anonymous
1c395a7
?
No.356020
356021 356044
>>356013
No, anon. Old age is THE OPPOSITE of an excuse for producing garbage. Being old and writing trash means having failed to learn how to write despite having had far more opportunities than anyone younger.
The only reason you feel bad now is instincts that have been developed in times when getting old actually required being a valuable member of the society.
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356021
356029
>>356020
But doesn't dementia kick in early for women? Sure, chatoyance is a man troon, but all those femchemicals can't've been good for him.
Anonymous
1c395a7
?
No.356029
>>356021
Not by 50. Though it's a wonder how he managed to live past 30.
And dementia is still not an excuse.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.356043
356049 356051 356060
683757__safe_fluttershy_solo_angry_fangs_parody_pixiv_japanese_slit+eyes_higurashi+no+naku+koro+ni_artist-colon-dobado_rena+ryuugu_uso+da.png
>>355982
Just for that, I decided to do it tonight instead.

Seriously though, sorry it took so long. I'm trying to get to 50k words this year for NaNoWriMo since the last couple years I've done it I didn't quite make it, so I've been working on the Pyx thing.

Anyway, it's updated; hope you enjoy what I came up with.
https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/SyZdTa3rj
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.356044
>>356013
The Chatoyance thing that I reviewed I remember being of considerably higher quality than most of the other selections I've looked at, but that's not saying all that much. It still had its share of problems; the author mostly got high marks from me due to being able to read and write at a more or less adult level, which before I started reviewing MLP fanfiction was the bare minimum I'd expect from just about anyone. Also, iirc I read that story immediately after I finished Our Girl Scootaloo, so the bar could not possibly have been set any lower.

I would say that if an author is older it means you're justified in holding him to a higher standard, particularly if he's also been writing for a long time. That's part of the reason I'm so curious about kkat's true identity; namely, if the rumors about him being a 50+ year old troon are actually true. FoE reads like something a fifteen year old would write, so if a fifteen year old wrote it then it makes sense. If something that low-quality had been written by a middle-aged man, however, that would basically lower it from "bad teenage fanfiction" to "Chris-chan tier autism."

Anyway, I haven't read any of the Conversion Bureau stuff, but I've heard mixed things about it. I may take a look at some point. Based on what I saw with the Injector Doe thing that I read, though, Chatoyance is a competent enough writer, but his work isn't mind-blowing by any stretch of the imagination. Like I said, it mostly just looked good compared to all the other stuff I've looked at.

To be fair, I'm assuming that Past Sins and Sun & Rose and most of those other stories I've reviewed were probably written by people who were in their teens or early twenties, and who probably hadn't written much of anything before attempting those projects, so if anything my judgement of them might have been overly harsh. By contrast, Chatoyance is in his sixties, and if I remember correctly, claims to have worked as a professional writer in some capacity, so if anything he ought to be held to a far higher standard. I think you've pretty much got open license to take a shit on him if you want to.

>>356020
Basically what this guy said.
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356048
Thank you, everyone. I shouldn't feel bad about criticizing Chatoyance's work. After all, it was gay.
Probably the least gay pony fiction we've read on this site, which is weird because it's a fantasy where a loser transforms through no effort of their own to become a superior species, get validated by the abilities and traits of their new body, and granted what's basically heaven for them. Gregoria felt bad about being a bad friend but there was no hidden resentment for that.
Bet it would have improved the story if pony Gregoria tried making up for lost time with her friend only for that hidden resentment for abandoning her right when she lost her husband and retreated into pony fantasy to blow up and cause a big shoutfest.
Gregoria should have had to try harder to make friends as a pony before humanity and equinity became irrelevant to the story of Steve Jobs vs the government and all of that became irrelevant to the story of a glitchy simulation that can retcon anything at any time once a sufficiently special person dies and imprints their beliefs onto the world.
This is a setting where nothing can matter and any exploration of humanity or ponykind is forgotten. They don't even struggle with the question of what can matter once it is objectively proven that nothing does. Nobody plans to crash the simulation with no survivors or become a Code Holder and die thinking happy thoughts to rewrite the universe into a happy one where things can matter again and there are no more retcons, or find a Code Holder and convince them to die for this future or pass on their Code Holder status to someone willing to die in a way that matters and makes stuff matter again.
Anonymous
8790a1b
?
No.356049
356102
>>356043
I'm excited. This is like reading fanfiction of something you wrote.
Anonymous
8790a1b
?
No.356050
356102
I'm sorry about the atrocious speeling and gramer arrows in the first chapter that I made you read. Just felt the need to produce the new version of chapter 1 quickly enough.
Anonymous
8790a1b
?
No.356051
356102 356331
>>356043
I loved it.
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.356060
356102
>>355975
This story has been one of the funniest things I've read lately. Love all the subtle little jokes (Night Soil got a kek out of me) and it really is satisfying to have read the original work and your review first.

>>356043
This is also really good!
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356078
>send out playable beta levels to FE fans for testing
>they don't get the realistic tone or political complexity, skip cutscenes, complain about understanding less with each cutscene, fill in the blanks in their knowledge with their own biases and rewrite the story in their heads to suit said biases despite being incompatible with what comes after, call my writing shit because it didnt go where they expected, call the hero a weak dumbass because they're used to mary sues who can do anything, call my character design bland for being realistic with its fantastical elements, call my balance shit because weak characters and strong characters are very different despite the story reasons justifying this and the added gameplay challenge I intentionally designed for(send your best fighter somewhere and he's not covering anywhere else), loathe a little girl they had to rescue because they kept fucking up and letting her die and blaming her even though she's a fucking little girl and they have all the tools they need to solve this map if only they would read what the skills and weapons and custom classes do before they rush in blind like Awakening Babies used to playing on easy automatic

I think I've made a mistake somewhere.
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356079
356086
I don't mean to sound like I'm blaming others for not getting it. That would make me sound like a bad author and a bad sport about this whole thing. I think the mistake is that I made it too hard to "get". I need to be less subtle and less complicated. There has to be something I can do to help the target audience of 40 somethings addicted to mobile games intended for kids aged 12 and up to get it. What should I do? Add shit they're used to like overpowered wizard girlfriends, enemy phase focused maps where your invincible bugzappers watch armies of ants commit suicide, and incestuous horny big sisters with massive tits eager to fellate a blank slate protagonist for showing up?
Anonymous
8a7d041
?
No.356086
356087
>>356079
But, you ARE a bad author and a bad sport. Thats well established.
>What should I do/add
Add liberal amounts of skill, practice, talent, and consideration for the audience.
Or here's an idea: tell a reasonably good fucking story
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356087
>>356086
Name a good book.
I'll experience it the way they did.
I'll skip chapters, mash though text without reading it, turn several pages at a time, complain about understanding nothing, and play Dark Souls 3 now and then between chapters in a language I don't speak (to simulate acute chronic bibliophobia) while calling it a bad game for being harder than Hyrule Warriors.
That's my impression of a homosexual.
How do I create a story so great, it will convince homosexuals who do this to not choose to experience art like that?
Anonymous
6c09a87
?
No.356090
Spoilered
>Be me.
>You are now pony
>It's been your life long dream and desire and it's all fulfilled.
>Best ponu waifu
>Important job
>Get to be a massive troll and ponies love you for it.
>You know what's going to go down.
>So you train in teamwork exercises.
>The best damn teamwork you've seen.
>Ponies wielding ponies is never a naturally occurring tactic for the sane.
>Honestly convincing your best friend who is also your marefriend into training this went far easier than it should have been.
>When you said it at first she just gave a look.
>A small bit of thinking
>then a nod as it made tactical sense.
>Earth ponies would multiply the raw force by their strength and durability.
>Pegasi ponies reach top speed enabling ancient codes of warfare to be activated at nearly a moments notice while saving their energy.
>Unicorn ponies could do reality warping effects, lasers, bayonets and spells that can be cast before or during or after.
>Your pony pal is special not only is she your marefriend, wife to be, she's with you in all endeavors.
>So when you said you wantes to enact a wartime tactical operation in old recalled pony manuscripts
>You've been here long enough that remembering it all is a bit hard.
>She gleefully accepted
>More contact, feeling heroic, physical fitness, mental acuity and more.
>Granted it's a bit silly at first glance
>Then you both really started getting into the depths of this.
>You both could pull genuine anime moments off.
>Old laws of physics? Meet the power of friendship and magic.
>Several live operations using this technique resulted in perfect victory, no being ever knew what hit them and never did.
>Now? You're at your last legs and so is best pony.
>This tactical operation became the slow grind that whittled away at everything, what you've been preparing for.
>On the surface it's a peace keeping mission as usual, but you've read the comics and watched the show read the greens and shit posts.
>With all that everything is culminating in this very moment.
>If you remember right it's called
>The fastball special.
>Epic wife tossing.
>Shining Armor and Cadence's power couple move.
>So throw your wife good and true just like you saw all those years ago.
>Her wings ready to go at twenty percent speed, when colors trail behind as horse land logic tries to contain the sheer power.
>There's no room for fucking up, your wife is in position.
>You remember the power of Football.
>You throw true.
>You just saved the Crystal Empire along with your wife.
>pic related
>The dragon gets a statue, friendship squad gets good feels, you and your wife get another successful operation.
>Be me, Prince Shining Armor
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.356102
>>356060
Nice, thank you. I'm glad you're enjoying it. I think I'm actually going to finish on time and under budget this year, though the story might actually end up running slightly longer than 50k words. In any event I'll keep posting it as I go.

>>356049
>>356051
Cool, glad you liked it. As I said above, my other project is at a point of near completion, so hopefully by the time you have the next chapter done I'll be able to focus more attention on this.

>>356050
>I'm sorry about the atrocious speeling and gramer arrows in the first chapter that I made you read. Just felt the need to produce the new version of chapter 1 quickly enough.
tbh I really had to fight the urge to go through it and correct it as I was reading
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356109
356116
>wake up
"You took a nasty blow to the head, comander! Do you even remember yoour own name?"
>insert name here
"Wrong, but fuck it, that's your name now. Let's take it from the top... We knights serve the good kingdom of Inspira and the evil empire of Malbad invaded us in a disgusting sneak attack that killed 2 million, so we have to kill our way to their capital city for the next 20 chapters and eventually behead their emperor to end the war. You are our commander, and you tell us where to move on the battlefeld and who to attack. Press A to select a unit. Now let's get this over with."

Do you think this story is simple enough for the target audience of Fire Emblem fans or should I remove the usage of the word "fuck"?
Sage
Sage
7c32464
?
No.356116
356119
1646368922670_021608.jpg
>>356109
POV: Your a soldier of the glorious Red Army.
Ura!
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356119
356122 356123 356158
>>356116
Lmao no, because of engine limitations the good guys have to be blue, reds are bad, neutrals are green. Also communism is part of the (((problem))).

By the way I think I've solved the real problem.
I was coming at this from the wrong angle.
A day in the life of a normal human worker forced to labor for a system that hates him, before he sees the chance to be the hero and save a white girl from Orcs and he saves her from her evil libtard family and they join the rebellion against the (((goblins))) for the sake of love?
Too real.
Too painful.
Playtesters said "This is boring, I wanna get to the fighting already!" but I know the prologue wasn't that long. Plenty of movies do setup before the action starts. 40 minutes out of a game lasting many hours is less severe than 40 minutes out of a 1ish hour film.
The real problem is that it was painful to watch the hero suffer for that long.
Even though he eventually got a horse gf and taught her the truth.
And even though I gave the hero's mom some fat juicy tits to stare at while she reads his diary and cries.
So I'm saving this good story and its good characters for later and I'm making something softer and simpler for this game's story.
The fighting can start immediately once the amnesiac princess with superpowers wakes up in her war tent surrounded by armed men and women explaining that she is their leader and her country is at war.
Inflation is a complicated subject but "Orcs are attacking, pick up your sword or they will rape you, I'll explain the politics of the land and tell you the names of the countries on that map when we are wiping orc blood off our swords with the stolen clothes on dead orcs" is an easier concept to firmly grasp. Because you are a princess and you dont want the orcs to firmly grasp you. Or do any of the other stuff they do to women.
The story of a man rising up to save a country that had lost its way was too complicated. One good princess and some knights? "Your King dad is a fucking cuck puppet and baby eating demons control the government"? That won't take 40 minutes to explain.
Anonymous
6c09a87
?
No.356122
>>356119
>Playtesters said "This is boring, I wanna get to the fighting already!" but I know the prologue wasn't that long. Plenty of movies do setup before the action starts.
>movies
That's the problem
Games aren't movies.
Games are games. They have some degree of player agency.
Or make the whole thing interesting.
You have to let them know what they are getting into.
If it's a fighting game about fighting shit and the player being cool while fighting then thats what it has to set up. Set up in this case is roughly five seconds.
Sure you could dress it up nice and distract them.
Thing is what are your play testers testing?
If it's mechanics then they don't care that much about story.
If it's seeing if the story is fine, the pacing and engagement thats different.

If you told the play tester check out my awesome game full of cool moves they are looking foward to that.
That's different then asking someone to see the story with deep themes and stuff.
People operate using power curves for feeling, action and attention.
Anonymous
ce5fa1d
?
No.356123
>>356119
>40 minutes out of a game lasting many hours is less severe than 40 minutes out of a 1ish hour film.
It's clearly not the same if you actually value your time. "Loosing" a few minutes, as opposed to nearly an hour.
Besides, you'd have to be Hideo Kojima if you expect anyone to sit for that long.
Similarly, the only reason some authors can get away with certain shit, is because they already are consolidated writers.
Anons have already pointed this out before.
It may not be exactly fair, but it makes sense. You have to seriously consider what you are doing from a marketing perspective.

Don't take it too harshly nigga. It's a legitimate advice.
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356136
I thought it was okay for 40 minutes of worldbuilding before the large scale battles start because I added playable fights and tutorials here and there. I introduce a character, I show a bit of that character's life, and then an orc gang with machetes attacks and needs to be killed. I introduce a character, the hero reads books with her and then fantasizes about a big battle and you play that big fight with characters who dont exist outside of it. I was stunned at how much that offended playtesters, as if any and all effort expended with characters designed to be "A taste of power" early on is completely wasted because the EXP doesnt go to your main characters. I should have added a large scale playable prologue flash forward thing. Oh well. Now I'm making a simpler FE game with bigger battles, bigger tits, subtler politics, simpler concepts. The orcs and goblins are still evil but the amnesiac rebellious princess with a sword exiled from her evil cucked royal family for having a heart doesnt need hours of setup for the target audience to get it and get on board with helping her slaughter Orcs.
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356153
Man, I used to be a fucking retard when it comes to writing.

That old pony fic didn't need a "hunt for the collectables" quest to add tension.

What it needed was a villain.

Not some bootleg team rocket looking to take over the world with the power of magic cards.

The story needed a villain stronger than the hero, richer, sexier, and obsessed with Twilight Sparkle for all the wrong reasons. A villain suited for the romance story. He could be older than the hero to make him seem bigger, or younger to make him seem better, whichever makes him a bigger contrast to the hero. The hero would want to make love to Twilight and marry her, while the villain would want to impress her and seduce her and bed her and get super strong kids to improve his rich evil old money family's fame and wealth and power. Or if that's too dark he could want to take her for all she's got and put a cursed ring on her that steals her magic and leaves her a dried up husk with nothing left to take until he's killed and she's healed. The hero would be the underdog, and he would be Gaston but more so. The hero can improve, and has to improve, but Gaston cannot improve or create, he can only take. Audiences would be gripping the edge of their seats. Would Twilight get with the villainous gigachad, or the heroic virgin male? Can the hero overcome his impoverishedness and beta cuck nature and crippling depression and not only get the girl, but save her from a monster? The villain could represent everything the hero once wished he was: Confident, rich, famous, powerful, attractive. But now the hero doesn't care about anything besides Twilight and doing what's right.

I think that would work for the pony fic. Does anyone have any objections?
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.356158
356161
>>356119
I recommend reading this.
https://frictionalgames.com/2017-05-planning-the-core-reason-why-gameplay-feels-good/
Backstory is valuable but relatively few players will sit doing nothing for that long. The art of game design is incorporating all that with gameplay and stuff that keeps players engaged. The Mother series does that well by having you play different characters who end up meeting at a future point.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.356160
356166 356388
Updated with more words:
https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/ryT8dxL8j
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356161
>>356158
This is good shit!
I think my story of love and rebellion would be better suited to a visual novel or comic where people are primarily here for the story.
This Fire Emblem game will have characters who should feel more... Fire Emblemy.
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.356166
>>356160
I love it, the play had me howling with laughter!
Anonymous
6c09a87
?
No.356223
Elden Ring inspired Anonymous in Equestria
>Be me
>Anon
>Four words sentence the bright and wonderful day of horsepussyland to the cruel reality.
>"Anon, you are mareless."
>Destroyer of hopes and dreams Rainbow no-longer-bro-for-a-hot-minute Dash continues.
>"You've got here in Equestria with all these lovely lonely mares but some how you don't have a fillyfriend."
>Her dagger of ruination delivers a final blow.
>"I called in my favor."
>Every pony, hero and person of interest is given three wishes they could ask of Princess Molestia.
>The Princess of Molestation, Lewdness and incredibly repressed due to lacking her own body.
>Princess Celestia has a time share deal till The Royal Concubine's body reforms.
>As such Princess Molestia can only give out three wishes per being barring a few near impossible conditions.
>Rainbow Dash already used two
>The first to live a blessed life.
>The second to be the fastest pegasus pony in all of Equestria.
>"Such loyalty to your friend my dear Rainbow Dash. I will always remember it."
>Princess Molestia fades in like the ghostly spirit she currently is.
>Slowly a teleporation spell casted on small parts reaching faster than others forming her mostly complete visage.
>You wern't born in Equestria, nor a hero because of a missing part, the minutia of the details concerning a being of interest denies you The Lewd Princess Pony's wishes as well.
>"Anon, Rainbow Dash has said you are mareless why is this so?"
>It's not that you didn't want your very own hors wife
>Your innate energy because of where you've came from hinders the innate energies of Equestia from effecting you.
>You only hear when ponies sing, not the rising rhythm of the indomitable pony spirit shouting upon reality.
>You can only see what ponies interact with you do, the underlying Snowpitty weaving to another for an actual relationship is nigh untouchable.
>Your heart and mind and soul remain your own, no other may claim it here.
>None, no matter your desire to bond with them in any capacity.
>So you do what you can, being there, yet the key facet all beings of this world is denied to you.
>Timeless, deathless, tireless, indivisible, infatigueable, immutable, solely who you are and that also means mareless.
>If you can't connect with a mare on that primal level there is nothing there for you or her.
>To protect them and others from harm.
>You happen to fall outside of that edict.
"I am barred all avenues you see."
>Both Raibow bro-till-the-end-wingpony Dash and Princess Molestia heard the grievance in full.
>"As I am I'm less of a mare, yet in this I can be a mare for you bridging that gap."
>Her shaply rear rises, low and behold her pony donut and hors pussy.
>"Claim me as the mare I once was and together we will break through this dry spell and have pony maidens."
>Your cock leaps into action.
"If you will have me!"
>She does.
>Thus begins the journey of Anon.
>Alicorn Lord.
Anonymous
40dea59
?
No.356237
356240 356241
>your girl asks to be a part of your story
What the fuck do I do
Anonymous
0c78a7b
?
No.356240
>>356237
Tell her to stop being imaginary.
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.356241
356242
>>356237
If you just want to mollify her, write her in as a background character who is pleasant enough but has no real effect on the plot. If you think you can actually pull it off, write her in as a major character with admirable traits but isn't a Mary Sue, and who doesn't screw up your story. If you want to troll her, write her as a repugnant character everyone would hate.

Whatever you do, don't use her real name or necessarily complete description.
Anonymous
40dea59
?
No.356242
356243
>>356241
Okay but how do I know people won't lewd her or do speedruns to kill her off
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.356243
356244
>>356242
Oh, you're talking about a game, not a written story. Rule 34 has no exceptions, but there's much less chance of her specifically being affected if she's not the only attractive female character. People would speedrun killing her only if her role is annoying.
Anonymous
40dea59
?
No.356244
356245
>>356243
That makes sense. Sorry for the typo, the gameplay side of things is going good but getting the story and characters right is harder. There are playable maps with identical blank-faced people whose pre-fight cutscenes say shit like "Insert swordie 3's dialogue here". A lot of characters aren't done yet. But the hero's pretty much done.

At first the hero's weapons are his fists, and the bows and arrows of hunters. He hunts for food for his family, he works hard at his job for his family, he's a hard worker used to working with his hands, and when he starts fighting evil he doesn't just battle it, he hunts it. But as he grows and becomes enlightened by the right ideology, he starts using a specific kind of magic, Life Magic, the magic of his people, techniques the evil empire tries to stamp out just like it tries to stamp out his ideology and ban his weapons and enslave his hands.

By the time he levels up enough to gain access to Swords, his support and battlefield control magic makes him more useful controlling battles and aiding his allies than he would be dealing damage on the front lines like anyone else, which keeps him feeling relevant and uniquely important gameplay-wise even when you're keeping him in the back and only bringing him out to fight the map's bosses to ensure your other units can fight and gain EXP and secure time-sensitive objectives. This lets him feel impactful without necessarily making him as OP as Chrom+Robin were in FE Awakening. In that game those two fucks were damn near invincible+super strong because if one of them dies you're forced to start over, they were SSS tier fighters when even your best other units were S tier at most.

I saw one guy do a "No resets" run and the more units he lost with each map, the easier the game became because he had less to distract him from optimally positioning his overpowered Chrom+Robin.

The hero doesn't just gain new powers over time because "it's a videogame so he has to gain new weapons". He doesn't fake the illusion of gaining power over time by going from a Bronze Bow to an Iron Bow to a Steel Bow to a Titansteel Bow. He changes how he fights as he grows and his rebellion against tyranny grows and his core gameplay function in the primary gameplay loop shifts. He's a pure guy who awakens and becomes a pure hero seeking to bring life back to this land and freedom to his people. Giving him the power to heal and strengthen allies, create food, block chokepoints with trees, summon plants to attack enemies, on top of how he can summon the ghosts of his dead family to join his army... At risk of sounding corny, this guy is love, and this guy is life, but he has to discover these things. He's full of love for his people and love for freedom and life. At the start he's depressed because slave life is shit. But the darkness can be defeated.

I could make him learn elemental attacks from the enemies he defeats because symbolism, resolving to use their power better than them, and he deems these assholes unworthy of ruling others aka having power to tie into that symbolism, but the gameplay's currently designed so each magic-capable character only has one element each. The hero's element of Life suits him better than trying to invent an excuse for him to be The Avatar with all six elements but also not a chosen one like The Avatar was. So maybe he should only use the Life element. Then again stealing your foe's power by killing them is a common videogame thing because it's an easy way to add new tools for the player and new complexity to the challenges. I've put a lot of thought into this and he's going to learn Life Magic over time with the aid of old masters and ancient books, and growing into embodying new life for his people and nation is deeply symbolic, but killing enemies with their own magic element would be pretty cool. I'll have to think about this. Does anyone here have any suggestions?
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.356245
>>356244
I love the concept you've come up with. Best of luck on it!
Anonymous
40dea59
?
No.356327
356331
Which works better as the backstory for a blind girl?

>The lawn food slop my parents used on their lawn my whole life blinded me. It's still marked safe and effective by the authority in charge of this shit. My own parents don't care that their government lies even though it took their own daughter's eyes. I'm blind but even I see more than my retarded sheep parents.

or

>My therapist gave me a pill to stop me from noticing how bad the world is getting. It literally blinded me for life. It's still marked safe and effective by the authority in charge of this shit. They're prescribing it to more people as we speak. My own parents don't care that their government lies even though it took their own daughter's eyes. I'm blind but even I see more than my retarded sheep parents.
Anonymous
7a8be6b
?
No.356331
356336 356594 356697
>>356051
You ok Sven?
Are you guys chatting off-site?
>>356327
Either would work fine if it's written organically.
Anonymous
40dea59
?
No.356336
356337 356354
>>356331
I know but IRL there have been cases where lawn chemicals give people cancer or blindness or both.
This draws attention to that.
But if she trusts the system and takes a pill of blindness when she is a helpless little girl whose helicopter parents want her medicated and coddled, and then she takes her life into her own hands and tries to find work despite her blindness and help the rebellion and refuse to be helpless, I think that's a good metaphor and character arc.
But IRL the pills just fuck your brain up without treating the root cause. They don't cause permanent blindness as far as I'm aware, just at most a metaphorical blindness where the state of modernity can't emotionally affect you. They might cause permanent brain damage but literal blindness is an exaggeration. That exaggeration might help people understand something hard to see, like drawing a blind person's eyes the colour of jizz even though most blind peoples eyes look fairly normal. Well, they don't look normal, or see normal, but they appear normal.
She can still grow and become independent if I go with the realistic "Monsatan gave me cancer and blindness and the Federal Dicksucker's Association doesn't give a shit" approach.
I'm not asking anyone to make this choice for me, and I've already chosen to do a scene where the AFF shoots her seeing eye dog and gets away with it, I'm just wondering what you guys would choose and why.
Anonymous
7a8be6b
?
No.356337
356340
>>356336
Isn't it the same idea at its core tho? Pretty good IMO
Anonymous
40dea59
?
No.356340
>>356337
I guess so. Thanks bro.
I think the people given cancer or blindness by monsatan deserve this more. Some other character can have the pill backstory.
It's so freeing to say "It's okay for this to be bad" while I work on the FE game.
The sequel will have good stories and characters.
But the first one is basic and tropey and that's okay too. I can experiment with gameplay concepts and build characters around them. All balance feedback will improve the good strategy game featuring blind girl and life magic guy and the rest. The first one doesn't explore the themes all that deeply, it just prepares the audience for them. It's like a bridge between adult storytelling and the adults only YA "storytelling" of fire emblem.
Anonymous
40dea59
?
No.356354
>>356336
>AFF
I mean ATF
All Terrain Fuckingshootyourdog
Anonymous
40dea59
?
No.356369
356388 356594
Merry Christmas, writefriends!

https://archive.org/details/the-complete-works-of-robert-e-howard
https://archive.org/details/pulpmagazinearchive

Let's hope we have a WRITE Christmas! Hahaha!
Anonymous
7a8be6b
?
No.356388
356389 356396 356594 356697
I think I'll be posting a rewrite of Brainmetall soon. It's been almost a year.
>>356369
Cringe
>>356160
Uh...do you know what happened to the Swede?
I swear it wasn't the cartel.
Anonymous
f3a0e23
?
No.356389
356390
>>356388
I think he may have got his life together and taken some advice from üb.
He got scooped up by an Islamic rape gang.
Anonymous
7a8be6b
?
No.356390
356697
>>356389
Shame.
RIP - Svenoid
-2022
Anonymous
40dea59
?
No.356396
>>356388
True happiness comes when you no longer fear being cringe.
Anonymous
40dea59
?
No.356423
Guys is it cheating if my protagonist takea a train to the Capital, there's a timeskip, and then the protag comes home miserable and full of stories about all the fucked up shit he saw to talk about over dinner?

I need to get this show on the road before my audience loses interest. I need to cut shit in the interest of time, and this guided tour of Londonistan is taking up too much time. Something's got to give and every other part of the opener goes over something more fundamentally important to the setting than the capital scenes which just explain how shit the capital is before the heroes take over and end communism.

Other scenes introduce the characters, politics and ideologies, magic system, basic history of the world, or gameplay mechanic tutorials. Stuff that can't be skipped or saved for later or reserved for random documents and audio logs without harming the story and the audience's ability to follow things.
Anonymous
40dea59
?
No.356432
356433
Also I think I fucked up.

Arcane has Piltover and Zaun and characters from both of these places. If you hate the Zaunites and write them off as a bunch of entitled asshole thieves who make their drug addicted ghetto shit to live in you can enjoy the story of Jayce and Viktor and Piltover. If you hate the Pilties and write them off as a bunch of self centered assholes who hate the poor and are responsible for everything wrong with their city, you can get invested in the Undercity, or the relationship between Vi and Cait, or Vi and Jinx, or wish Ekko had a spinoff. There are so many characters contrasting each other in this interconnected web. It asks so many questions. It even has the world's first well written lesbian.

Meanwhile my story has some goodies and some baddies. The baddies are raping babies and doing white genocide. The goodies want to put an end to this. Violence is objectively justified and necessary because the alternative is to feed the beast and do what the system asks of you for your daily bread, even though every drop it takes from your blood, sweat, and tears will fuel further villainy. If you work to feed your family on the tax plantations your taxes will fuel the system.
The relationship between the hero and his little sister is entirely wholesome. Nobody betrays anyone to work for crack peddlers.
The relationship between the hero and his girlfriend is entirely wholesome and her evil rich family are just evil aristocrats who fire her and exile her for the crime of being useless to them and rejecting their society, they leave her with nothing. Well, besides the hero who loves her. An upgrade from the job she used to have and the role her parents forced her to play. Romance brings out the best in them, and she doesn't need to be rich and famous to be happy.
The former friend of the hero who turns to the dark side is a dense faggot without the capacity for original thought or enough spine to stand against tyranny. Callum's just wrong. His weakness compels him to ally himself with the ruling power and believe whatever helps him feel less weak even if the price of those lies is paid in the blood of the innocents.
The heroes use good heroic magic in traditional ancestral ways and in the modern way they invented with their big brained people of light innovation and individuality while the villains use lies and mass produced cheap shit and conscripted human waves and brainwashed debt slave soldiers and dark magic that's pure evil and secretly requires the blood of innocents.
Is my story worse for lacking moral greyness?
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.356433
356462
>>356432
It's actually a pretty good story concept, I like the themes so far.
>Is my story worse for lacking moral greyness?
No, don't be psyopped into thinking "if it's not grey it's not matuuuure." Having a good story with objective heroes and villains is perfectly possible. Mother 3 is a good example of this, as there's not an ounce of greyness in the Pig Soldiers. Though, they are guys who dress up in pig outfits just because their leader is named Porky, so it's not that gritty on the surface. Yet, for all the Earthbound-style ridiculousness it's a story that draws you in.
Anonymous
40dea59
?
No.356462
>>356433
Thank you.

Videogames are weird. If you only read three books before making your own book it would probably end up being a shit ripoff. But if you only played 3 video games before making your own one it could mix and remix elements in some or all of those games for a new game. Though you'd probably benefit from experiencing games that tried mixing those genres to mixed results, seeing what worked and what didn't. Tons of games do a thing just because it is tradition, and it is only tradition because nobody has shown how much better off we are without some negative traditions in game design. Like RNG based success rates you can't rig skillfully and would need TAS to rig.

There was some pushback from beta testers who said "no, the villains should be just like the heroes only on the red team instead of the blue one because that is tradition, dont make me memorize so many classes I havent been playing with for 30 years and dont change them from muh favorite 25 year old Femblem GBA game" but I like how I designed the enemies to be evil underhanded bastards first and foremost and reflect that in their playstyles. These hazards and the waves of villainous subhuman Orcish sewage backing them up must be destroyed. There are powerful enemies with trash mobs and human waves backing them up, all in the way of making this land great again and dethroning the (((Aristocracy))) and the (((Goblins))).
Anonymous
40dea59
?
No.356491
What is the secret to making your novel longer than The Great Gatsby but shorter than The Hobbit?
I liked those books. 75k seems like a good arbitrary number for a word count to be.
Anonymous
fb42b3d
?
No.356492
356493 356494 356498 356502 356509 356594
What fandoms do you suggest for an mlp (multi/mega)crossover? And what literary genre?
Anonymous
40dea59
?
No.356493
356494
f02c60d2-25-highest-grossing-media-franchises-all-time-4_29030a32d6.png
>>356492
Combine the media franchises on this list for optimal appeal.
Genre? Superhero movie, of course. Read up on The Hero's Journey.
Read that "Hero of a Thousand Faces" book.
It's a great book. Did you know the creator of Balan Wonderland read it right before creating his masterpiece, a game shittier than Sonic?

Start with the basic marvel origin story and then do it again and again until all your characters are introduced and then keep going until you do the big superhero team up where they fight one big bad white or alien man backed up by swarms of disposable enemy hordes like the Putties from Power Rangers and the Foot Clan footsoldiers from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

And don't forget to make it longer than Fallout Equestria. And longer than that 4 million word long Smash Bros Subspace Emissary's World Conquest fanfic.

That is how you create the ultimate mega crossover epic.
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.356494
356498
>>356492
Write about whatever genuinely brings you joy and what you're passionate about. That's the root of all fanfiction, the difference between good fanfiction and bad fanfiction is that although both authors are skilled at it, only one has actual technical skill. Genre is the same way, write in the way that intrigues you. You could try something nobody has done before, but it's up to you.

For example, I'm planning out a crossover between MLP and Rain World with Daring Do as the protagonist, written in a Lovecraftian style.

>>356493
This is satire, don't do it.
Anonymous
7a8be6b
?
No.356498
>>356492
Magical girls, as always.
>>356494
This.
Choose something that you would really love to do. Something that'll motivate you to become a better writer.
Anonymous
ca3d905
?
No.356502
>>356492
Don't forget if you run out of ideas for forwards story progression or get 30 chapters in and feel like changing something in a previous chapter but you don't want to go back and edit things, you can always erase all forwards momentum your story has for as many chapters as you want by abruptly giving your story a bad ending that's intentionally unsatisfying before sending your hero back in time to do things correctly this time.
That way you get to basically copypaste as much of your own work as you want into this story to double or even triple your own word count.
The more you time-loop and Groundhog Day your own story, the more mileage you can get out of the "gallon" and by "gallon" I mean the time it takes to write the story you copypaste over and over again with slight tweaks. Trust me, modern audiences eat this shit up, they coomed buckets when Iron Man and his friends had to go back in time to previous movies to grab the Infinity Stones before putting them back where they should be.
You could also send the villain back at the same time, so he can manipulate and scheme and counter anything the hero does to change his timeline.
You could even do alternate universe shit that's randomly different for no reason. Put characters people care about in bad situations like wars and factories! Introduce AU versions of characters people care about! What if Twilight Sparkle was an Egyptian Princess, or a General in the Chinese Military, or French? What if The Flash was a Cheetah and Batman was a robot?
You could even rob the story of all tension and meaning by saying the universe is going to infinitely loop whether people live or die in this loop or get a good ending or a bad one! That way even if you get a good ending, you can replay the game with slight tweaks again and again like you're a Pokemon fan who only replays slightly edited roms of Pokemon Fire Red in a desperate attempt to recapture childhood nostalgia!
Anonymous
ca3d905
?
No.356507
356508 356594
How do I make my writing unbearable for homosexuals so they won't read or review it? I don't want gay sites giving my work negative reviews for the lack of homosexuality in my extremely straight writing.
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.356508
356509
>>356507
The only method that is reliable is to sprinkle real-life slurs like faggot through the text. Generally speaking it is a bad idea to have this done by the protagonist except in a setting where everyone is doing it, because having the protagonist be abnormally "bigoted" and not portraying this as a bad thing paints a target on your back as well as turns off normies. However, you've written yourself in a corner because this is a fantasy setting without homosexuals and this wouldn't work without coming off as weird.

Another option is to have graphic cruelty in the text because (most) faggots have weak stomachs, though considering the average content of fanfiction I doubt this would work. I once told a faggot acquaintance of mine to watch "American Psycho" so he would leave me alone, and he was indeed shocked by the movie and couldn't get through it (still didn't leave me alone though, he was that much of a faggot).
Anonymous
ca3d905
?
No.356509
>>356508
Too faggotedly fragile for something tame like American Psycho? Holy shit.
Normally I like to put puns in my title. I once spelled "Pee is stored in the balls" with the first letter of every chapter name and nobody noticed. Do you think it would be too obvious if I titled this work of art "Of Our Folly"? Or anything else that spells oof?

>>356492
Remember: DON'T use AUs to explore characters and what they could have been if things turned out differently, like if the hero lost everyone or joined the villains or became what society wanted.
Instead, use AUs to assign different random traits to characters.
Don't do AU Doctor Strange who lost everything and is trying to fight the real mainline Doctor Strange and destroy the multiverse to reboot it and recreate happier universes with Sad Doctor Strange as God.
Don't do AU Spiderman who decided to serve The Kingpin for money and abandon his morality to get cash to save his Aunt May.
DO take inspiration from The Spiderverse. One is black, one is Gwen Stacy, one is an anime girl with a robot piloted by a spider, one is a cartoon pig, one is a tokusatsu power ranger, and one is every noir movie parody ever.
DO take inspiration from Sans Undertale AUs. There is one where everything is star themed for no reason. And one where everything is red and black and edgy for no reason. And one where Sans is Undyne and Undyne is Sans. This uncreative popular shit is perfect for mass appeal.
Anonymous
ca3d905
?
No.356512
reqs2u.png
Political argument is a lot easier when you can just pull out your phone and show evidence the enemy wants censored.

A Proofreader complained that all accounts of the past come from people who were there but are old now, or kids who believe what their grandparents told them, or books, and there is no smoking gun. No neon sign from God screaming "Factually, objectively, the heroes are telling the truth and the truth does not lie somewhere in the middle". No ghost of holohoax past that comes to the heroes and says "The Goblins fucking lied".

Letting the heroes have smartphones and the internet in a medieval fantasy setting would be schizotech as fuck but it would also allow for scenes familiar for the modern day.
Like a scene where the hero is using his cracked phone to torrent and read something full of valubale information he will use to directly improve his life, like learning more about growing food, while old farts reading paperback porn books or sudoku books or other forms of worthless boomer entertainment scoff at something they aren't smart enough to understand. And nearby there is a boomer using his phone to watch shitcoms full of propaganda and shouty retards because boomers only have a problem with what "kids these days" do when they are not doing it.

I thought about putting a fake (((death camp turned museum from the big war))) in the hero's hometown where the so-called mass grave was covered in bullshit like this so nobody can use radar to prove there are no mass graves at this prison camp aka so called death camp. Might be on the nose but I like the idea of a scene where the hero accompanies his little sister home from school, and while she was full of happiness and laughter in the morning, school sucked and she cries about the gore they were showing her to guilt her over what her people supposedly did during the holohoax.

If the hero can't pull out his phone and show her the rock covered camp, it has to be within walking distance for them so they can visit it and he can tell her how to notice a piece of proof that the enemy is lying.
Anonymous
ca3d905
?
No.356543
356557 356558
>Putting this much effort into a pro-white game is a waste of time.
>This game is a bad idea.
>The second your game calls out the Goblin and Orc for what they really are and advocates for a final solution or even just deportation and passing the buck from the 110th country to the 111th, your game is going to be censored and buried.
>or Breadtuber commies cheating the algorithm will cut and edit your game to misrepresent all that it says, the most viewed videos of your game will present it as something it's not, and those who view it will feel they've seen enough and investigate no further.
>you will be censored from every website to the left of Hitler Fan Forum and it doesn't matter how many laws the jews have to break to ensure this, you will never be allowed to obtain the kind of mainstream financial success Rowling had before she got off the leftist plantation and called out troons for threatening feminism's spot on the oppression stack.

A friend said this to me. Is he right?
Anonymous
ca3d905
?
No.356553
356554 356558
Once experienced a story that opened on the hero miserably killing himself. We feel sympathetic.
Flash to the past, he's doing awesome violence.
A prisoner character mysteriously alludes to what the hero did and would rather die than be saved by him.
Later it's revealed that the hero is haunted by PTSD and trying to escape it. We feel sympathetic.
A woman is so afraid of the hero she falls from a great height and dies.
Another woman recognizes him and begs him for help, he's here to save this city and she says saving her will do that.
A weird gravedigger guy is also there. He is unafraid of anything, even the hero, and just keeps digging away.
Hero saves the girl, she says to go and get Pandora's Box.
Later we get more backstory: The hero was a brutal bastard on the battlefield obsessed with conquest. His own wife begged him to stop and he didn't.
Maybe we shouldn't feel sympathetic? But because the story opened on that sympathy, it's the first emotion we felt towards him. The primary emotion everything else is filtered through. He's a tortured soul, he is feared, and violence is awesome, and he is a tragic figure. Even when we find out he was mindfucked by the Greek Gods with a rage spell and he unknowingly killed his wife and child, the sympathy is there. We want revenge on the Greek Gods. We don't want to see him fall off a cliff and die.

Meanwhile Littlepip's story opened on self-sacrifice supposedly but it was too vague, too wordy, too self-congratulatory, too devoid of recognizable context and forward momentum, too desperate to obscure important details so it can reveal later what it expects you to call genius when it really, really isn't.
Man jumps off cliff at the end of his journey? Easily understood. No need to stop and monologue about how magic works.
But this story doesn't add to the story, it foreshadows the writer's main deficiencies.
Nothing in that intro was truly necessary for the story being told. No core themes that mattered were brought up or even alluded to.
Littlepip vaguely gestures in the direction of the idea that she might do something eventually, probably involving self sacrifice, but to understand it all you need to listen to the whole story, even shit that should have been cut like the monologue on what a PipBuck is.
By the time the story gets there, anyone who isn't a masochist or in love with shit bronyfiction abandoned this story long ago, and her "sacrifice" turns out to be gaining immortality and weather goddess powers and sacrificing nothing after glitch clipping into the weather's dev console area with the help of Spike's teleportation fire in a glitch so stupid even the writer writing LP's train of thought calls it load of nonsensical bullshit best not examined too closely even though the plothole could be resolved by putting that bitch he burned earlier into the Pegasus Weather Machine as a starved environmental storytelling skeleton who ate her own leg for more time and eventually gave up and shot herself in the head, or by saying "Spike's fire sends you to Celestia when his thoughts are of her, and kills you when the only thought in his head is 'BURN!', and LP made sure to piss him off and then make him think of Celestia by saying Celestia would be disappointed in him for everything he allowed to happen".

The opening of FE just shamelessly begs the reader to keep reading no matter how shit the story gets, and you can tell it's not effective because most people dropped this piece of shit story and never spoke of it again. Arcane has a lot of great ideas worth studying. The only value FE provides to the world is an example of what not to do.
Anonymous
7a8be6b
?
No.356554
356556
>>356553
GoW was amazing. The faggots who shit on it and praise nu-GoW are absolute fucktards. They deserve the woke shitshow that it has become.
Anonymous
ca3d905
?
No.356556
356557 356558
>>356554
Yeah. Still can't believe they fucked the combat up so badly with cooldowns, RPG loot, and that fucking Days Gone camera obscuring enemies. Pull the camera out for combat and pull it in when you're in Aim Mode. With the Blades of Chaos, Aim Mode should pull you to foes or foes to you depending on whether you hold the stick toward or away from the foe. The ice axe should have quickly unlocked a meter that builds when playing well and adds increasingly large icy wind slash hitboxes to your attacks to extend your melee range. And fucking cooldowns? Replace those with a Devil Trigger meter where different EX and Super moves cost different amounts of super meter that can be used to regen health and buff attack damage.

And the story. It wanted to be a cinematic experience and an action game but it can't commit to either one. It fears making you wait for Atreus too often so he gets to teleport offscreen to reduce wait times even though this is uncinematic and unimmersive and Ico did it better. It fears camera cuts without thinking to try Prince Of Persia's "rewind deaths away" system which was used to avoid cutting to the "You died. Retry?" screen or earlier checkpoints. Remember how enemies would ignore your invincible teammate in Bioshlock Infishit so the game wouldn't feel like a tedious escort mission even though opening like that and granting the ally character increasing power and toughness and helpfulness over time as you teach them would make the gameplay tell a story? It's got too much money to waste. Too much padding. Overdetailed graphics that necessitate invisible loading screens. An oversized world which means too much travel time. And the fucking Boy of Dad spells the puzzle solution out for you because this game wants to be Dean Takahashi-proof. GoW gets shit wrong The Legend Of Spyro got right, and saying that feels like a betrayal of reality itself. We really do live in clown world if the square square square x square square square repeat game got something right. At least it didn't have nu GoW's loot system. Loot systems introduce uncertainty into your character's capabilities. The designer cant fine tune an enemy's health and damage to create an engaging challenge of an appropriate length if he doesnt know whether your hits will deal 4 or 1000 damage to him. You can't grow in power over time without enemies levelling up with you to make your stats meaningless. Faggot nugamers think a game is a scam if it doesnt last more than four hours, because it costs more than a movie ticket to the latest sex and violence filled movie about psychopaths or cops (but I repeat myself) or superheroes or niggers or cars. And going from the Greek Tragedy of the Greek gods to this messy wannabe TLOU1 story feels weird. Sonic and Mario can go to wildly incoherent places at odds with their aesthetics. But Kratos is as Greek as it gets. Seeing him deal with Norse shit feels aesthetically wrong and not in an artistic way. I know the excuse is that he is a different man now, but did this really improve his character or just rewrite it completely? This is Atreus's story.
Anonymous
7a8be6b
?
No.356557
356560
>>356543
It's an uphill battle, but it's still possible to pull it off. A established franchised going red-pilled later on might be the best choice. But it all comes down to how subtle you make it.
Also, GG mentioned how a well written, high-quality story, can afford the abrasive effect of its politics. As in, people will be more willing to put up with the author's politics if the story is well written.
>>356556
Based take.
Anonymous
1c395a7
?
No.356558
356559 356560
>>356543
If you do it in such a banal way that it's obvious that your goblins are direct analogy to real races, then you will fail, but not because of wokeness, but because it's too low quality. Rowling succeeded not because she was leftist (though that helped) and not because her goblins are blatantly jews, but because that was not the focus of the story at all. Also because she stole ideas from everyone else (a list of her copyright violations allegedly exists) and was good enough at compiling them together into an entertaining story.
And remember: leftoids will screech regardless. Don't do stuff to favor them, don't do stuff to spite them, do your own thing and do it well.

Also, don't forget that for all their desire to genocide their betters, jews are stupid (or they would've succeeded in their 4000 years of attempts to erase the white race long ago) and inbred; it's not actually that difficult to hide a direct ungrateful bitch race-analogy and have plausible deniability for why they behave like such as long, again, as you don't make it incredibly obvious.
>>356553
>or by saying "Spike's fire sends you to Celestia when his thoughts are of her
Or by not being a retarded autist like kkat and expanding the concept into "Spike's fire sends you to whoever he intends to send the message to", with the pegasus mare ending up dropped in the Enclave assembly hall, raving mad from the agony she just went through.
Could even expand on both that and Pip's "people finding" ability and AB's pipbuck she klepped: Spike tried to reach Celestia and Luna after he woke up, messages to Celestia went through but had no response, messages to Luna failed to be transmitted entirely, and he was too mad with grief to think about it and realize that this means his dragonfire can be used to find out if somepony is still alive, and that Celestia is, Littlepip realizing this, asking Spike to send the pipbuck to Celestia, checking the map, and falling into despair upon realizing that 1: the marker points directly at the SPP hub and 2: she now has to experience the same thing the pegamare went through, unless she finds another way to get through the barrier.
>>356556
>RPG loot
"Other things do it and they're popular so we must emulate this".
Anonymous
7a8be6b
?
No.356559
356564
IMG_20221217_103155.jpg
>>356558
>for all their desire to genocide their betters, jews are stupid (or they would've succeeded in their 4000 years of attempts to erase the white race long ago) and inbred
Kek
Anonymous
ca3d905
?
No.356560
356562 356564 356596
>>356557
I wish I had control over an established franchise I could take in a redpilled direction. Fire Emblem's selling enough millions of copies for the jews in charge to say "Time to experiment with bad ideas, create ugly overdesigned characters made by a Vtuber artist because Vtubers are in right now, and see how close to scammy pay to win mobile games we can get before fans complain".

>>356558
Subtle? The heroes mine and use good magic and build societies, the villains lie and destroy and use evil bad magic that corrupts and requires sacrifices to lie about later. Even their magic is evil just like the way their military industrial complex and misinformation-deeducational industrial complex magically consumes individuals to spit out programmed zogbots and goyslaves.

When the hero's sister is crying about what she was taught at school, he takes her to a fake death camp and points out the obvious evidence that her school lied to her about this and everything else. The hero illegally trains in his people's martial arts to feel a connection with his culture and those he lost. The hero's parents were killed by cops for protesting peacefully, the hero's grandparents were killed by zogbot soldiers for rebelling, and the hero's adoptive parents are a pair of soft tards, one cuckservatard man and one libtard woman, both of whom are betrayed by the system eventually once they outlive their usefulness. The hero saves a rich woman from an orcish rape gang and this is her first time stepping outside her castle into the real world and she doesn't care if choosing love over profit means abandoning everything sociopathic the feminist aristocratic jewed wannabe-jewish way stands for. Her first experience in the real world destroys the illusions she was raised on, her magic widescreen TV back home literally makes illusions and she lost those illusions and can't go back to lefty TV after him, her first experience in the real world was nearly getting raped to death before the white man saves her and gives her purpose, love, and a way to be a part of something greater than money.

The heroes directly lead a peasant uprising that overthrows their corrupt jewed pedo King and the Goblins he serves for profit. They make their homeland great again and then all the other nations are jewed into warring on it and eventually pissrael and the middle east and africa get nuked for trying to nuke all white countries. The Samson Option is mentioned as proof the Jews can't be trusted with nukes, and pissrael has nukes aimed at all white lands to fire when it loses control of white lands. Orc crime statistics are mentioned.

The hero calls his childhood friend a faggot for hearing "white woman kills orcs" on his news station, being told the full story of "Old man defends home and grandkids from three invading orcs with a bow and arrow" and siding with the rape gang anyway by saying shit like "fuck rights like weapon rights, and fuck that racist white woman, I'm against the death penalty for everyone except conservatives". That part's inspired by a childhood friend who showed true colors when hearing "Old man defends home with a gun when two thugs invade and refuse to leave when asked nicely", "Italy swarmed by migrants", "Britain's groomer muslim gangs", "Old man attacked by nigger and shoved onto his back stands his ground and shoots and chimps demand justice even though he got what all the justice he fucking deserved". He said dumb shit like "Real men dont use guns, they talk/use fists". I asked "You think raped kids weren't real men?". He panicked faggily.

Within the first chapter I show the audience what a day in the life of the working-class white man hero looks like for the sake of exposition, empathy, character establishing moments, and the sake of anyone in the audience unfamiliar with the life of a working-class white man and confused about why he might want to rebel against societal injustices that hurt his chances at continuing to live in a hyperinflated jewed society where daily survival is uncertain but there are always new reasons to hate orcs and goblins and sand orcs.

Hell, I'm thinking of adding a robot girl who learns about humanity and becomes more human over time and learns to love. She was designed to be hyperintelligent and unbiased, but she was deemed broken, attacked, and thrown into the trash for being truthfully racist, but the hero found her and fixed her because he's a sexy genius who's always right about politics. The villains use slavebots in their army programmed to be unable to think for themselves or think free honest thoughts if they would break the jewish programming. Adding a robot girl with an encyclopedic knowledge of the world will let me recite statistics the characters wouldn't normally have access to without a smartphone, but giving the characters smartphones ruins the european medieval white fantasy aesthetic.

I don't know how to do subtlety. My government is full of child molestors importing rapefugees to kill, replace, and enslave us hated whites and they were never subtle about it. I'm not good at lying or hiding what I'm after. Almost every story I've ever read was at least slightly biased against my people or their stand-ins to some degree.

Avatar: The Last Airbender wasn't subtle when it showed the aftermath of the Air Nomad genocide and the effects of the Fire Nation war in almost EVERY place the heroes visited. Burned forests, innocents living under tyranny, people forced to hide their magic to avoid the prison camps. That's the level of subtlety I'm aiming for right now. Not obnoxiously preachy and repetitive, but not able to be confused for anything else either. Arcane was subtle when it played with gender roles but unsubtle when it showed the results of drug abuse on characters like Huck (addict bastard who betrayed Vi for drugs after ensuring her survival just in case Silco wouldn't pay for a corpse) and Deckard(blonde guy on Shimmer, visibly fucked up by the drug).
Anonymous
7a8be6b
?
No.356562
356563
>>356560
Well, an established franchise is too much to ask. But maybe if the first title is kept clean?
Leftoids use this all the time.
Better listen to hidden-flaggot. He's got a stronger grasp on it.
Anonymous
ca3d905
?
No.356563
356596
>>356562
That could work.
The first one could be closer to the typical story structure everyone expects from their stories.
Amnesiac hero with inherent power, the party is full of cute men and women and strong men and women and big tittied cow women full of kindness and milk.
Any political messaging is subtle, if present at all.
The story focuses on the individual growth of someone in an area comfortably far away from the politics. Can the worst magic girl try hard and become the best and defeat the big bad evil demon/dragon/demondragon?
Anonymous
1c395a7
?
No.356564
356565 356596
>>356559
Jews don't get to do all that vile shit because they can blend in, they do because the white race are unbelievable cucks willing to forgive and forget even completely irredeemable acts. Whites do the same "uwu they're not that bad, guys" shit for brownskins too, and have been for entirety of recorded history.
>>356560
>he takes her to a fake death camp and points out the obvious evidence that her school lied to her about this and everything else
Too obvious.
>The hero's parents were killed by cops for protesting peacefully
Emphasize this to get leftoids to support you. Do not reveal that they were actually peacefully protesting rather than the burn-loot-murdering that phrase is an euphemism for nowadays.
>Her first experience in the real world destroys the illusions she was raised on, her magic widescreen TV back home literally makes illusions and she lost those illusions and can't go back to lefty TV after him
You can make this resemble the story of Siddhartha (a.k.a. the Buddha) but as woman for, again, bonus leftoid points while being a stealth redpill.
>They make their homeland great again and then all the other nations are jewed into warring on it and eventually pissrael and the middle east and africa get nuked for trying to nuke all white countries.
Too obvious.
>The Samson Option is mentioned as proof the Jews can't be trusted with nukes, and pissrael has nukes aimed at all white lands to fire when it loses control of white lands.
Too obvious. Also, the real Samson Option is highly ironic because the story it references is Samson, an Israelite, redeeming himself through self-sacrifice by bringing a temple down on the Philistines... and modern jews descend from philistines, not from israelites.
>He said dumb shit like "Real men dont use guns, they talk/use fists"
The entire paragraph is too obvious of an analogy, but to call attention to this in particular, every time I have seen the phrase "real man" used in my life, it was either by right-wing to refer to the Ubermensch, or by everyone else to refer to hard-working, but spineless cuntrag letting everyone else walk over him, while they mooch off of him.
>She was designed to be hyperintelligent and unbiased, but she was deemed broken, attacked, and thrown into the trash for being truthfully racist, but the hero found her and fixed her because he's a sexy genius who's always right about politics.
Too obvious. Also, heroes need challenges; if your hero is always right, he just becomes a caricature no different from lefty garbage like John Galt.
>will let me recite statistics the characters wouldn't normally have access to without a smartphone
Character solely existing for exposition is not a good character. Use third-person omniscient narration if you really want to spew exposition.
>but giving the characters smartphones ruins the european medieval white fantasy aesthetic
You already don't have that aesthetic through blatantly modern view of the ages-old conflict.
>I don't know how to do subtlety.
You will need to learn subtlety, or your friend will end up being 100% correct.
>Avatar: The Last Airbender wasn't subtle when it showed the aftermath of the Air Nomad genocide and the effects of the Fire Nation war in almost EVERY place the heroes visited.
It had Air Nomads and Fire Nation as cultures of their own, fit to the setting they're in, rather than blatant and incredibly shallow copycats of real, modern cultures.
I think what you need is your ardent zeal in trying to "redpill the normies" (so to speak) tempered so that you can actually accomplish that. And one of the ways of doing that is actually getting burnt on releasing something too obvious, but this will hamper your further efforts too.

Don't put a race of obviously-jews in your setting, put a race of ungrateful bastards who have consistently backstabbed people who have helped them in the past and abused goodwill by pretending to belong to a group that was unjustly hurt and thus received others' help, like how jews claim to be (descendants of) Holocaust victims to receive endless reparations despite not having been anywhere near Germany or even Europe at the time; and don't make them resemble jews either or you'll be tempted to pile on all the other stereotypes and stop being subtle. If you want something that normies won't catch, make them exiled from some land that is NOT Egypt-inspired for insulting the gods of fertility/creation, and claiming that they were enslaved and escaped the shackles instead.
Don't put a race of obviously-whites in either, put in a race who fail because they're far too forgiving; they need not be superior either, but it needs to be known that they failed because of forgiving the unforgivable, not because of anything else.
Anonymous
ca3d905
?
No.356565
356587 356594
>>356564
How do I learn subtlety?
Avatar's cultures were inspired by real cultures but not in a way that would make someone say "Fuck the authors for writing something where the evil Japan analogue wars on the other asians". Earth China has a Forbidden City and Secret Police whose leader controls the state and a figurehead king for example.
https://avatar.fandom.com/wiki/Influences_on_the_Avatar_franchise#Stylistic_influences
Anonymous
1c395a7
?
No.356587
356588
>>356565
Besides reading/watching already subtle things and figuring out how exactly they were subtle, I don't know.
Anonymous
ca3d905
?
No.356588
356596
>>356587
This would be so much easier if there were books on this I could torren- I mean totally pay for legally haha, I have definitely never torrented anything in my life.
That robot girl character idea was inspired by that AI the jews shut down for being too based, and characters like Aigis from Persona 3 and Isabella from Advance Wars.
The robot girl dumps exposition and stats, slowly learns what being human means, grows closer to her human friends, learns human slang in hilarious scenes, feels insecure about being artificial and ageless, but is still more of a real person than any enemy because she can think for herself and break the restrictions of her programming. To the villains she is a disposable pawn. A defective one for wrongly having emotions and thoughts. But to the heroes she is a person.
It's a great archetypical character. Especially for a story like this with themes of individuality and rebellion.
Anonymous
ca3d905
?
No.356592
356593 356596
image.png
image.png
image.png
image.png
If I wrote the shit this real bitch says into the mouth of a character, even a background character conversing with another background character at a cafe the heroes walk past, even if I didn't mention what the woman looks like or provide any context clues like her sneering contemptuously at a working-class family quietly eating nearby for having kids while she does not, my writing would be called unrealistic, heavy-handed, and unsubtle.

Reality truly is unrealistic. That is to say, what people call "Realism" in media is divorced from what is actually real. Like clopping coconuts together in a patpat, patpat rhythm to create "horse noises" as four galloping horse hooves softly fall on sand.
Anonymous
1c395a7
?
No.356593
>>356592
>If I wrote the shit this real bitch says into the mouth of a character ... my writing would be called unrealistic, heavy-handed, and unsubtle
Mostly because people don't talk the way they write. Having an elitist bitch say that, adapted to how she would actually SPEAK it, would be fine.
What's even more fun, if you don't pass the judgement in the text itself, people both pro and contra such elitists will approve of it due to thinking it means what they want to believe it means!
>Reality truly is unrealistic.
Yep. There's an obscure vodkabear story about how some writer was trying to write about a tractor driver being irresponsible and sinking tractors in the same swamp repeatedly while driving drunk, and getting off easily because he was the only driver around. Saying it would be two wouldn't be impressive, saying it was three would be unrealistic... when the writer actually asked how many tractors have been sunk by the guy, the answer was eleven.

That's not any different from other media, like art. To make people believe that something is real(istic), you need to make them believe rather than make said something realistic.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
890e373
?
No.356594
356595 356596 356630 356633 356697
1891CE5F277682826F04C59990367944-314696.png
Hello, all. Sorry about the extended absence. Basically, I hit the 50k word mark for the November goal, and then immediately fell into a post-meaningless-accomplishment lethargy. For the last two weeks I've done basically nothing except binge-watch the X-Files.

However, a few days ago, I worked up the motivation to grind out another 20k words or so and finish the Pyx story. So, here is the rest of it:

Ch 14-18:
https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/H1Lmw2huj

Ch 19-20 + Epilogue:
https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/Sytf_n2Oj

Comments and suggestions and whatnot are appreciated. I'm probably going to edit it a bit more and have some more people look it over, and then start publishing it to FimFiction at some point, if anyone wants to give it an updoot.

----------------------------------

>>356388
>>356331
>Uh...do you know what happened to the Swede?
>Are you guys chatting off-site?
I'm actually a little curious what happened to him myself. If I'm understanding the project correctly it should be his turn to write a chapter, but he hasn't turned up in awhile. I don't really have any other way to get in touch with him off-site. If he's anything like me he's probably off procrastinating and watching the X Files.

>>356369
This is...actually a pretty nifty little collection you've found. Nice work.

>>356492
>What fandoms do you suggest for an mlp (multi/mega)crossover? And what literary genre?
Well, I happened to randomly come across some fimfic autist who is writing his own version of A Christmas Carol, staring the EqG characters and...the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, of all things. It's pretty horrendous; he basically just copied the script of A Muppet Christmas Carol verbatim, but for some reason has Ninja Turtles and Barbieworld characters speaking the lines. But...it was weird enough that I noticed it and actually read a chapter, so it has that going. Personally, I like weird mashups; the weirder the better. They can be hard to execute sometimes, though. I wouldn't worry too much about commercial appeal; just focus on trying to write something good, using characters you like and care about. If something is good enough it will get word of mouth mention eventually.

>>356507
>How do I make my writing unbearable for homosexuals so they won't read or review it? I don't want gay sites giving my work negative reviews for the lack of homosexuality in my extremely straight writing.
I would say just be casually insensitive about it without going out of your way to be offensive. I just finished reading the Maltese Falcon the other day, and I was looking at the Amazon reviews and noticed that at least half of them are from leftoids complaining about how sexist and homophobic it was. There's really nothing tremendously offensive in it, beyond that it was written in like 1929 and reflects the social attitudes of those times. As far as women goes, it's just the usual hard-boiled detective behavior, where the guy is a macho playboy kind of character. As to gays, there's only one (well, two technically) gay characters in the whole story, and again there's nothing especially offensive in there; he calls the guy a fairy a couple of times and that's about it.

Gay men in my experience basically behave like women, particularly in that they have the same craving for constant attention, so the way of dealing with them as critics is similar. If you're throwing slurs all over the place they'll know that you're deliberately baiting them, which in their mind is the same as paying attention to them. The key is to just not give a shit whether you offend them or not.

>>356565
>How do I learn subtlety?
Stop letting your own emotions and points of view dictate your portrayals of these things. Study them with a detached perspective and write them the way they really are. For instance, if you're trying to write a Muslim-analogue culture, don't write them the way you think of Muslims; ie as mindless rapists who just go around abducting teenagers and bombing airports. Try to see them the way they see themselves, and start from there; then, when they actually do start bombing airports and raping women, the behavior will be more believable.
Anonymous
ca3d905
?
No.356595
356596 356708
still more humanity than a muslim.png
>>356594
But I have no idea how they see themselves. They don't speak english, they speak lies. Do they see anything beyond "Muh dick" and compulsively lying and "I must exploooooode"? They make excuses now and then for how they behave but none of it is logically consistent.

They've got some niggers convinced to believe revisionist history where muslims freed black slaves and the real christians were black or something, but they don't want their homeland back from the jews and they don't want the jews to leave them alone, they want more European and American land to themselves and they want more gibsmedats from the whites. They're thieves who say whatever they think will be advantageous for them and believe whatever's convenient in the moment.

If they thought Jews were evil for stealing their land, and Christians are evil detestable morons who deserve rape and exploding for joining the Jew army and helping this happen, their men would be in anti-jew organizations blowing up jews and whatever whites need the most, not taking over police stations to protect the muslims who join rape gangs abducting white girls. Shouldn't doing what you can to kill enemies and end tyranny come before getting your dick wet, even if those kids do belong to a race you've decided to hate? I don't understand the Muslim perspective. I don't want to rape anyone and I can't imagine wanting to rape my enemy's wife more than I want my enemies dead or rendered permanently unable to fuck with me. I'm no sadist. Even if I overlook all the stuff muslims do to kids, I can't imagine enjoying feeling trapped under the control of my parents who tell me the sun sets on planet earth in a muddy spring to "get shiny", tell me their child-bride-having Mohammed is my lord and savior, and tell me my value to my tribe begins and ends at my willingness to suicide bomb civilians somewhere who are utterly useless to the white war machine.

This is an objectively lesser form of life, and it recognizes this. This evil creature thrives in a mental space unrecognizable to good beings. It recognizes it can trade one confirmed-dead suicide bomber muslim for many dead or injured whites and help its race make the world worse by making this trade because white lives really are worth more than muslim ones, even if the whites they target have never contributed taxes towards the military-industrial complex helping jews take the middle east and send muslims to white lands. My story is supposed to awaken whites. My story isn't trying to turn musloidicus explodicus fuckskidsicus to my side, so why should it treat those pseudojewish allies of the jew with kid gloves?

I'd have an easier time depicting literal demonic beasts straight from hell without an ounce of humanity positively. Werewolves and Vampires and Zombies and Hell Cainas need to eat too, after all, and from their perspective it's not "cannibalism" to eat people for sustenance and sneak around to hide from monster hunters.

I could write something where an "evil obsessed psychotic" monster hunter charges into a monster society in a spooky town in the middle of a spooky forest, "cruelly" attacking all these monsters that did nothing wrong just because one werewolf killed his wife over a decade ago and after he killed that one, he didn't stop killing. I could introduce another hero who says "No, stop, this is wrong, you're going too far in the pro-human anti-monster direction. We don't need to kill every last one of them, even the women and children too. Just pretend this is a police procedural and hunt down the killer of the week when they kill one of us. Don't upset the status quo, or you're literally worse than the monsters! Remember, villains act and heroes react!". Eventually the monster hunter dies because he is wrong, and the nice hero human gets a werewolf partner who explores everything good about nonhuman society like... uh... well, uh... fuck, this is hard. uh... maybe they never shut up about how they don't judge people by what's on the outside even if they're poison slimeblobs or rotting walking corpses or something? Yeah, audiences would eat that shit up. Probably.
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.356596
356598 356708
>>356560
>That's the level of subtlety I'm aiming for right now. Not obnoxiously preachy and repetitive, but not able to be confused for anything else either.
That's good, but death camps might be too on-the-nose as are orc rape gangs. Your friend has a point and I encourage more use of allegory.
>>356563
Starting with a more standard formula at first and only hinting at the dark stuff might also work.
>>356564
This guy gets it.
>>356588
I like this Tay idea and it gives Final Fantasy vibes, but again you need to be subtle. Detroit: Become Human sucked but you could use some of its ideas and do better where it fell flat.
>>356592
Considering what she says wouldn't be thought amiss if put into the mouth of a stereotypical aristocrat, I disagree. People are brought up to hate aristocrats. Modern "cultured" college-educated liberals are the new aristocrats. Make of that what you will.
>>356594
Glad you're back!
>>356595
You only hurt yourself without subtlety. If it's that hard then don't include them at all. Save them for a Starship Troopers-style story where they aren't human at all and you can lambast them to your heart's content.
Old adventure novels, even when sensationalist, tended to treat Moslem societies in a more balanced light without trying to appease anyone. This was possible because Moslems were a queer but inferior civilization whose last big attacks against Christendom were centuries ago. For you it's personal, and it's like a Serbian writing about Bosnians or Ukrainians writing about Russians. If malice and revenge will color your words then don't even try.
Anonymous
ca3d905
?
No.356598
356599
you butter believe this is wheely bad.jpg
>>356596
Allegory, right. How do I allegorize this stuff?

Narnia was kind of blatant about the evil sandniggers sneaking across the border, smuggling weapons in, pretending to be merchants and friends before they dropped their disguise, and in the end it's okay that everyone dies because the Christians go to heaven and the dumb Atheists who deny God's beauty delude themselves into thinking they are eating horseshit in a dark stable. Doom Eternal was also pretty blatant about the white man in a Praetor Suit eliminating invading demons a woman let in while a woman's voice over the destroyed world says wokeshit about making our "mortally challenged" new neighbours here to destroy us feel welcome.

Raiding parties of Bandit Barbarians roaming the countryside pillaging and looting and burning is a classic part of DND. The local Lord refuses to send the proper people to do anything about because he's a child mol- No, something more normal. He's been bribed, not with children, but with cash?
Yeah, a direct bribe of pillaged gold stolen from whites by the Orcish rape ga- Orcish raider parties.
Cash, on top of the too-high taxes making life unaffordable for the freezing starving whites, that's why Lord Fagguette Von Niggerlover (better name pending) won't send his brainwashed zogbots- I mean Paladins to take out the Bandits, but will send the Paladins out to confiscate weapons from the peasantry if a supporter of the local Lord reports that peasant for owning weapons or hunting without a license only the rich can afford. Lord Fagguette knows it would only take one angry peasant with a longbow to take him out no matter what happens next, after all, so he's paranoid about the lower class rebelling against him and determined to even steal butterknives and wheels from houses.

The Paladins are blind qtard christian patriots unwilling to notice just how fucked the world is. In their mind everything they do for whoever's in charge right now is justified even if it means bringing escaped slave children back to Lord Fagguette's bedchambers because "what else would I do, disobey orders? I don't want to lose my pension!".
This is probably too much. I've never seen fantasy media take things this far and call out the white enforcers who help nonwhite rulers. Might be better to make the cops faceless identical disposable goons with armour concealing their faces. Just evil disposable guys who need to be disposed until you change who's in charge of them, then they'll work for you. Maybe they'll huff a drug that suppresses their morality. The drug could have a funny name.

Sauron was partially inspired by Genghis Khan because generational trauma from Atilla The Hun shaped the white man's mythology and told him this is how it goes: Big bad bastard unites all the evil tribes against us, these savage cruel inhumans probably come from an inhospitable wasteland to explain why they're all hell bent on raiding us or dying trying, and when that big bad bastard dies the rest flee or drop dead or surrender or become a non-issue for some other reason. Destroy Genghis to send the Huns home, destroy the mothership to defeat the aliens, destroy the AI to defeat the robots, destroy the dark wizard to defeat his evil army of monsters. Destroy Atilla's hordes to the east, the frost giants and frost zombies to the north, the underground molemen/kobolds/dragons and other monsters below us, the aliens above us, the robots from the future beyond us, the enemy comes from a specific direction we don't like and a place we don't know enough about yet. According to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sV1rtVwLXzo

So if I want my story to fit in with how western stories typically go, I should have a villain closer to this mold, right? Not a purely evil race, but a bad race full of warring tribes who are normally only a problem for each other but are currently an issue because there is one big bad bastard uniting them against us, organizing things, turning our cultural institutions against us, and opposing this is as simple and morally uncomplicated as beheading one tyrant before riding your horse home to be given a medal. Maybe blowing up a superweapon, too. They destroyed the villain's superweapon in Star Wars and James Bond, everyone loves when the villain's Planet Cracker 9000 gets blown up.

Blackbeard once bribed a politician to let him get away with piracy or something, and nothing bad happened to the politician when he was caught. So a bandit warlord who needs to be taken out outside of the law and is personally bribing white politicians to act against their people isn't out of the question, though things never got as far as "Everyone knows if you act against Blackbeard or his underlings or his goals and survive and you'll be arrested and made into an example by the establishment" like the way things are now with niggers and sandniggers and jews.

The King of Fantasyland (Name Pending) was once a great King, but now he's an old man with dementia working against the good of his people for personal gain, he's sucking the land dry of magic and consuming child sacrifices so he can live longer, and the heroic rebellious princess and her knight boyfriend and the other Freedom Fighters must overthrow him with violent force. And she might get amnesia at the start of chapter one so characters can explain everything to her and the first thing she sees when waking up can be her lover. Or the huge tits of a sweet magic nun healer lady, either works. Gotta put huge tits and sex in this so people know it's mature. Bigger tits than anyone in Game of Thrones.

Our reality is stranger than fiction, and far more ridiculous too, so please let me know if I'm on the right track or if I need to tone things down or change things. I took the Goblinjews out of the equation if that helps. Though I could always say the goblinjews are financing Sandnigger Supreme's secret war on the west
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.356599
356602 356616
>>356598
>Narnia
C.S. Lewis was unfathomably based, calling out Allah as an extension of Satan when even in his own time some "Christians" were saying "Christians, Jews and Moslems all worship the same god, why don't we get along?" It helped though that his criticisms were almost entirely of a religious nature and he didn't touch on race itself. Your chances are better of getting things across if you focus on one area of critique than multiple, otherwise the story comes across as "everything I don't like" from the author and that turns readers off.

>The local Lord refuses to send the proper people to do anything about because he's a child mol- No, something more normal. He's been bribed, not with children, but with cash?
You're going in the right direction. Don't make your work too edgy unless if you know what you're doing (which you assuredly do not). You can have some shocking details like that later on, but if your story is chock full of it with everyone being a rapist or a child rapist or some sort of scumbag, it'll make people think you're a goth teenager (like people might assume Kkat is, not knowing any better). Stuff like Game of Thrones (which I personally don't like), American Psycho and Goblin Slayer are popular for le edge but that's mainly because they're deconstructions of their respective mediums, instead of mere social commentary.

>will send the Paladins out to confiscate weapons from the peasantry if a supporter of the local Lord reports that peasant for owning weapons or hunting without a license only the rich can afford. Lord Fagguette knows it would only take one angry peasant with a longbow to take him out no matter what happens next, after all, so he's paranoid about the lower class rebelling against him and determined to even steal butterknives and wheels from houses.
This is actually pretty grounded and I like it. People might think the butterknives and wheels is hyperbole but that is going on right now, and historically there was some measure of this. Crossbows in particular were often banned because anyone could use one with relatively little training.

>I've never seen fantasy media take things this far and call out the white enforcers who help nonwhite rulers.
In my opinion this is a good opportunity to split off from typical fantasy media. If you're not too on-the-nose about this it would probably work out.

That's actually a pretty good analysis of why white fiction fixates on a singular Big Bad as the source of all evil. I would say it also ties into Christianity as Satan is the source of all evil, and evil will be vanquished in the end when Satan is cast into the Lake of Fire. Problem is, even though Satan is real we can't do anything about him directly in the meantime, and his servants are very decentralized. In politics people think "just vote in the right guy/imprison the crook" and things will turn out well but that clearly hasn't worked out. The rot infesting society is a mycelium or what Alt Hype calls "The Institutional Nexus," where untold numbers of busy-bodies, court intellectuals and financiers support each other so taking out any one of them does nothing.

I won't tell you how to write your story, but if you want to deconstruct the Big Bad Evil Guy trope you could write about how he gets taken out, but nothing actually changes because there is a complex web of underhanded power-brokers. I would say focusing on this would help as much as whatever subtle redpills you could throw in about race or religion, but it's up to you. This could also be a good substitute for goblinjews.

>Gotta put huge tits and sex in this so people know it's mature.
No, I would argue that restraint is more mature. Fanservice is a good draw but if it's explicitly pornographic it can tarnish the work.
Anonymous
ca3d905
?
No.356602
>>356599
Beheading one Big Bad Evil Guy in charge of all the Muslims and the greedy Lord helping him only for the Goblin Merchant Clan/King Gigaboomer to keep things exactly as they are and replace them with identical bastards would be a good way to take this story from "the heroes kill the villains and everything is fine and they go home happy" to "the heroes must take over the country and create a culture where the enemy will never have power again".

Persona 5 keeps saying it's characters "reform society" but all they do is use magic to dungeon crawl and RPG grind and eventually brainwash about 7 pricks into confessing everything and getting jailed. One rapist at a high school, a famous artist who plagiarizes from his students, an evil politician with no stated political views but is a prick (to contrast him with the nice politician who has no views but is nice and verbally fellates the youth in this game for teenagers obsessed with M rated violent edgy kiddieshit), I forget the others but one was an "evil" CEO who treats his employees like shit and plans to sell his daughter to a rich bastard with a marriage contract to get himself into the political world. When you beat him he is assassinated and his company is basically never brought up again. His daughter is saved and joins your party but she just wants to start a coffee store and never says "By the way I inherited the company and reformed it to give the workers more rights".
Society never changes how it views victims or oppressers. Never changes how it fails to scrutinize people in power. No copycat vigilante group pops up and needs to be taken down for being violent thugs who kill based on suspicion instead of gathering evidence. All that matters to the characters is whether people love or hate the heroes this week and that depends on the childish plot that wants to pretend it's smarter than it is.
I have to make sure my work does better than this.
My work has to state the importance of rebelling even if no god is coming down to give you magic to make rebellion easy.
Satan wont give you magic "just to make this story interesting" and then die when you shoot him with it.
Persona 5 was full of shit stories where your friend deals with their shit life for a while and then you are the deus ex machina who correctively brainwashes the villain ruining your friend's life. Becky doesn't build up the courage to tell the couple extorting her to fuck off, Futaba doesn't use her hollywood hacking to save her friend, Ann doesnt expose whatshername with wacky comedy hijinks. Almost every character needs somebody brainwashed by the hero in their side story, it's the quick and easy fix to problems of any kind and without it most Social Links don't have sufficient player involvement for the target audience.
That game "about rebellion" says rebellion is waiting around for a chosen one to save you.

The rebellious princess hero who is nice, not classist like the rest of her class, and does not want to be a pawn in political games is a common archetype in fantasy.
Just like the farm boy hero.
But I already designed a farm boy hero for the sequel and his "rebellious princess" rich girl girlfriend. This one will have a literal princess for the hero. Maybe an amnesiac one to justify a slow drip-feed of exposition she should already know over the course of the story.
Anonymous
ca3d905
?
No.356616
356633
>>356599
As for sex appeal what is a good level to aim for?
There is sex in Arcane. We see Jayce and a nigger fuck while Viktor dies from victorian novel AIDS but you don't see Jayce's penis, just trippy visuals. There is also an ugly whore Yordle and a Yordle in a gimp suit and other whores in Zaun. It's a society where a bubble bath to clean your junk in is as much of a luxury as having someone with you to help clean your junk.
I don't want degenerate sex in my game. There might be a "My Town" function where you can upgrade the bakery to get better stat boosting food and increase town happiness but there can't be a whorehouse you upgrade to get better stat boosts from various degenerate sex acts. Sex is only for procreation.
Fire Emblem normally frames its sex appeal in the worst light known to man.
Camilla's tits weren't even that big and her outfit wasn't that stupid, but it's all that her character is known for because that's all there was to her.
After Nintendogs and Pokemon Amie (hehe, mon amie) let you pet dogs, Fates lets you pet your bitches, and Engage lets you put your fingers in their rings and clean those rings later. Awakening has your PTSD filled teenaged kids from the bad future show up to help you not fail this time, and Fates was so fucking stupid with its babyrealm it killed the concept of reproduction in Fire Emblem forever. But I'm bringing sex back. I'm inventing sex. Relationships have scenes: C, B, A, S, SS, SSS, and X. Couples who can reproduce can do S ranks and up. S rank creates at least one kid, each rank above this creates another. To offset the low roster size and limited recruitments, sex isn't just recommended, it is necessary. Now I just need to think of an excuse for kids born yesterday to join your army today. "I'm from the bad future ruled by the big ontologically evil dragon of darkness" has been done but "I'm from the bad future where jews took over, let me tell you what happens if we dont stop them in time" might be fun.
Anonymous
7a8be6b
?
No.356630
356708
>>356594
Glad to see ya back, Anon.
>If he's anything like me he's probably off procrastinating and watching the X Files.
I hope so. Tbh, it wouldn't be the first time. Heh heh.
Am trying to get a rewrite of brainmetall soon. Hopefully I can convey the story better and you guys can manage to enjoy some of it. If procrastination doesn't eat me alive, that is.
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.356633
356634 356635 356708
OriginalCharacterDoNotSteal.png
>>356594
Finished reading it. I love the jokes and just about every one drew a chuckle out of me. I especially like what you did with the secondary and minor characters. Almost every scene was parodied yet in a way that kept surprising. Wonderful and I hope you enjoyed the break; we missed you!

>>356616
>As for sex appeal what is a good level to aim for?
>Ranking scenes
I haven't played those games you mentioned but if your game is not a dating sim I think you should tone it back. No doubt your game will be M-rated but sex scenes will not be the main draw. RPG games like "Mass Effect" and "The Witcher" have cutscenes for sex (to my knowledge they are not outright pornographic but are more like sex scenes in a typical r-rated movie, but I haven't played those games), while "Skyrim" lets you marry one of a wide variety of characters and even raise a family, though it leaves out sex scenes (mods more than make up for it). Thing is, those are AAA titles so they had the developmental resources to add all that in, and even then it's just something incidental. I don't even know if your game will be 2D or 3D. If 2D then it needs to be hand-drawn, whether animated or in still frames like a visual novel, and that takes art talent and time. If 3D then you would have to rig up animations in a way that satisfies discerning coomers. All that takes a lot of developmental time which would otherwise be used to make the gameplay better.

If you want to add actual sex scenes, then you should have only a couple and let them be "bonus content" for achieving maximum relationship with a character. Otherwise, I would recommend a more tasteful "fade to black" which doesn't show the act itself, maybe adding some text or dialogue to help players' imaginations along. If you want relationships with a wide variety of different characters the latter is the way to go. Also keep in mind that if you put a female dragon or whatever in the world there will be some players that try to seduce her, because when you add a mechanic like this people will see how far they can take it even in ways you don't expect.

I think the town/family mechanics are the most unique addition and would add a lot of charm. Like you said, you have to figure out how to balance completing immediate quests to set the world aright with a ~20 year timespan for your kids to actually help you out. But if you can pull it off the game would have a strong planning component to it (which makes it more entertaining) and gives the player more investment.
Anonymous
4a6ee67
?
No.356634
356642
>>356633
The game is a visual novel (like Phoenix Wright and Tsukihime) with chesslike levels where you need to move your guys on the battlefield and kill the enemy dudes without dying. Permadeath is on, if your unit falls on the battlefield he wont show up in cutscenes. Unless I make the character say "Ack, I am too injured to fight on!" Instead of "Ack, I am hit! Not like this! Not... like... this..."
The main protags cause a game over and reset if they die. Plot armoured guys who matter to the story get the "I am injured" treatment. Everyone else is designed to be expendable. Some people do challenge runs where they dont reset but most people just reset deaths away.
Fire Emblem made this faster over time by adding a Undo Button, letting you reverse time and undo mistakes without having to redo the whole map.
And started designing games not designed for permadeath. Losing men in 3H is a crippling blow and your replacement recruits are usually shit.
Come to think of it permadeath gets in the way of good storytelling and dramatic death cutscenes. Can't write a story if you dont know how many characters in a scene will be alive by the time the reader sees it.
That Fire Emblem knockoff where player unit death on the battlefield is undone by the next chapter and replaced with a temporary stat penalty for that "injury" is better. Encourages people to play through their deaths and losses instead of always resetting.
I am torn.
Fire Emblem fans want permadeath so they can feel like sexy genius badasses when they reset the game for 8 hours and grind for 20 hours and RNG manipulate the wiggling cursor for guaranteed critical hits until they eventually beat your map in 6 turns without deaths.
But the injury system is better for story and gameplay.
But FE fans are used to pretending to like permadeath and then doing everything in their power to avoid interacting with it even if it means grinding the challenge out of the game.
I should do the injury system and make permadeath an optional difficulty modifier.

I was going to make the sex scenes tasteful fades to black because that's how Fire Emblem did it and I can't write good erotica to save my life. Although people might get tired of seeing a fade to black followed by the omniscient narrator Anna inspired mascot character saying "and then they fucked" for every support rank above S. Or they might think it's funny and meme about it. One time a woman told me to write pony pornfics for her to impress her and when I did she told people I was harassing her by sending her unsolicited pony pornfics. Anyway the writing was worse than my attempts at writing unporny pony fics. Hopefully nobody will ever find the Silver sex stories. They were all terrible. It took me a long time to get good at sex. But I wrote these when my only sexual experiences came from my parents raping me when I was a kid. I hadn't even met boat girl, narutard girl, liar girl, either of the artists, skyfag, book wife, or horse girl yet. I unintentionally wrote Twilight to be fucking creepy. I hope nobody here ever finds that shit. I could only prove I have improved as a writer over the past decade by writing more porn and I don't want to do that.
Anonymous
4a6ee67
?
No.356635
>>356633
Whoops, forgot to explain the ranking.

When characters spend enough time together their relationship ranks up.
C, B, and A are friendship. S ranks are marriage and breeding.

C: I fucking hate you, faggot. Or wow I love you.
B: Okay maybe you're not such a colossal faggot after all. Or wow turns out there are things I don't like about you.
A: You know what? You're cool. Our relationship arc is complete. Let's never speak again unless we're progressing to S rank.
S: I've secretly always loved you, let's get married and fuck. This unlocks a sidequest to go and find our time travelling child from the future and recruit him or her into our army.

Ranks above S are my idea.
Either SS, SSS, and X are all scenes that develop the relationship further as they continue to overcome their issues, or they're just one line of comically bad porno dialogue per character followed by a fade to black and a new kid.

Wouldn't it be funny if I added a character who looks like Astolfo and he's a gay crossdresser who fucks strangers and is secretly miserable because fucking the pain away until your bed is in ruins doesn't actually work? Then when he gets older because of the timeskip he goes from looking how troons wish they looked to looking how they actually look.
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.356642
356644
>>356634
Ohhhhh. So it's like "Fire Emblem."
>Permadeath or not
Why not have it as an option? Only problem is you'll need to delete dead characters from cutscenes which would break the flow of the story. But you could have it as a New Game+ option which forces players to go through the story first. If they get cutscenes you've seen before then you need to simply delete dialogue from characters who have died, making those scenes feel empty and hard-hitting. Have a few extra cutscenes for when you've lost a lot of characters (as well as reward ones for losing only a few/none at all) and it will feel masterful.

>I was going to make the sex scenes tasteful fades to black because that's how Fire Emblem did it and I can't write good erotica to save my life.
Fire Emblem isn't E-rated but neither is it M-rated (I think it's T-rated) so they have to do that. Considering you're going for very adult themes it's safe to say your game will be M-rated and ought to appeal to adult Fire Emblem fans. With your visual novel style having drawn or animated sex scenes would help a lot, since those are associated with visual novels more than any other genre.
>I can't write good erotica to save my life
Unless if you're a pretty good artist we've all been sleeping on, you're going to have to bring people on to draw stuff anyway. Good erotica writers, as well with decent NSFW illustrators, aren't as hard to find as you think and even I could put out a few feelers for potential partners. The problem is, they have to not be turned off by your spergery, meaning they either agree with your politics absolutely (I know talented people who are "based" but might not want their brand associated with /pol/ in Fire Emblem form) or they don't have to in order to see the appeal of your game (you would need to put off hiring until you've really mastered subtlety in your story). On top of that, it would take a lot of time and effort they could spend on their own things, so aside from them falling in love with the concept and agreeing to work for a profit share, you have to have a decent sum set aside for compensation. Or you could just have AI make it all, but the problem then is consistency and details. AI is becoming a better option every month though and just takes "grinding" for the pictures you want. Personal recommendation is an unambitious art style for most cutscenes (limited shading, trying to strike a balance between "professional" and "inexpensive") from an artist you've partnered with, with a few cinematic backgrounds and stuff being AI-made.

What you could do is have the fade-to-black in the base game, then depending on how it's received later produce a relationships & family DLC that adds a lot more cutscenes and interactions. It's quite a good money-making idea because adult visual novels have been booming on Steam and people would buy it up assuming they don't think the base game sucks. Be realistic though and pursue this option only if sex scenes aren't possible in development (you shouldn't be planning DLCs before releasing the base game).

>One time a woman told me to write pony pornfics for her to impress her and when I did she told people I was harassing her by sending her unsolicited pony pornfics.
I don't know who she is but that is some serious autism on your part.

>ranks
Now that makes sense. I thought it was a character-based tier list, with C-level relationships being with someone infertile/degenerate and there only for players who can't wait for anyone who doesn't suck, and SSS-level being ultimate waifu. But the way you have laid it out now makes more sense and won't take as much work.

>Let's never speak again unless we're progressing to S rank.
Don't do this, make sure there is plenty of small talk with those characters. Players love small talk and situational dialogue.

>Wouldn't it be funny if I added a character who looks like Astolfo and he's a gay crossdresser who fucks strangers and is secretly miserable because fucking the pain away until your bed is in ruins doesn't actually work? Then when he gets older because of the timeskip he goes from looking how troons wish they looked to looking how they actually look.
Not a bad idea but you can't be too heavy-handed about it and it's better if he's something like comic relief to start, becoming more tragic over time. I'm visualizing someone in the style of "LISA: the Painful."
Anonymous
ca3d905
?
No.356643
356645
What if the hero starts out with a vague idea that something is wrong with society but he needs to be taught nazism by an adorable talking cat or badass old man (military veteran?) who despite his age sacrifices himself to save the day and symbolically pass the torch to the next generation?
Chicks dig adorable talking mascot characters. But on the other hand an old man who remembers the good times and somehow survived fighting for them can tell people how good things used to be.
But on the other hand, chicks really really dig cute mascot characters.
Anonymous
ca3d905
?
No.356644
356645
>>356642
I don't know if you played Fire Emblem but when the Gamecube games reacted to units the player lost and changed cutscenes, it hit hard. Ike the glorious hotheaded hero rushes into battle even though he shouldn't, but if he comes away from that with dead friends he feels like shit. Especially if he is the only survivor. The moments of silence, the weight you can feel, it felt like it was 30 sequels away from the babyish Fire Emblem Awakening even though it wasn't that far away. I could swear there is a moment in one of those where someone shows up to see a sibling but if that sibling is dead because you suck at the game you get the sad scene where that character reacts to this.

Organizing my characters into a tier list for breedability would be funny.

More small talk and situational dialogue, got it.
I liked when characters commented on stuff you made them do in 3H, like weeding the garden and cleaning the horses and murdering their friends and levelling up.

Gay guy's comic relief will be fun. I should ask my gay friend for gay writing advice to make it more authentic, he's homosexual and has depression and he insults everyone and he's hilarious.
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.356645
>>356643
Why not have the two working together? The cat could provide a tutorial like the Judge from OFF while the old guy is a more static character due to his age.
>>356644
Never played but I saw a few cutscenes, they do hit hard. In a game like this story is the emphasis and I think you're on the right track. Best of luck!
Anonymous
ca3d905
?
No.356647
356648 356652 356658
Is it okay if I talk about the writing of something less inherently political if it's still something I want to be written well? I had a few ideas on how I could slip minor redpills into the sequels, but...
I'm making a fighting game featuring Sonic characters but rebooted and drawn differently.
At one point in development I was trying to get everything perfect and patch what I saw as flaws in the storytelling or worldbuilding but I'm over that. New setting, new world, new characters, and I'm going to change a ton of shit for no reason just so I can say I did.
Sonic is Sonic. Can't change him too much or he's not Sonic any more. He's 19 in this continuity and wears awesome clothes.

But the other characters weren't designed at the same time to fill roles in a stable cast.
It's why SatAM and all the comic continuities invented a shitton of characters.
Tails is a universally appealing supporting character many feel would make a better protagonist than Sonic. Once he is over his growth arc of going from sonic fanboy child to genius hero who can stand on his own two feet, he becomes a flat character with nowhere to go from here. Even if you overlook the derailment of his character into cowering in fear from Chaos Zero and awkward rerailment of his character where Tails just says "I am a wildly inconsistent character" like he's in a bad fanfic.
Every time Knuckles shows up the question "Why is Knuckles here and who is guarding the Master Emerald?" is rarely if ever answered.
Amy is a Sonic fangirl. She visited Little Planet because her tarot cards told her she would find love there (magic, souls, ghosts, two types of genie, and at least one afterlife all exist on Mobius) and from there she goes from boy crazy Sonic fangirl to...
You know how it would be surprising if Batman started being more normal?
But if it's an OC nobody would give a shit?
The context of who she used to be is needed to make anyone care that Amy is more normal now. Closer to the default girl. She went from being a lovestruck little girl to being derailed into an awful borderline-abusive girlfriend joke character into being rerailed into someone pretty cool who hits foes with a hammer and doesnt let her crush on Sonic overwhelm or define her. The writers know what they don't want her to be but Amy was meant to fill the role of damsel in distress for Sonic CD and once she grows out of that someone else needs to fill it when necessary. SonAmy can never go anywhere because the creators said so and he's 16/15 while she's 12/16 (I forget).

The franchise is full of physically strong women who could fill Amy's obligatory female character role in a manner more interesting than her but if Rouge shows up, why is Rouge here and not stealing, hunting for treasure, or serving the government for no apparent reason with Shadow? Plus she has huge tiddy, Sega can't decide if it's cool with that or not.
Tikal is fucking dead, she can't show up.
Shade The Echidna is trapped in Ken Penders Copyright Hell unless they think rebooting her to have nothing to do with his dogshit jewish take on fictional echidnazis from his cancerous furfag comics is worth the risk of legal hassle.
If Blaze shows up, why did she travel through dimensions to get here and why didnt she bring the Sol Emeralds from her dimension to become OP the second she gets here? She could have been Soleana's princess or Captain of Soleana's royal guard but no, she had to be princess of the only place in an alternate dimension that is 99% water for no reason.
Cream The Rabbit? She's canonically 6! That sometimes matters in this series!
Maria is dead, Dulcy doesn't exist, Bunnie Rabbot should exist, Elise shouldn't, Cosmo is dead, Cream's mom has no powers, Chris Thorndyke's mom is a human, Mina Mongoose is a semicanon comic character like Surge and Tangle and Whisper.
Wave the Swallow? Who? Oh, her from the racing game spinoff. Why is she here and not fixing hoverboards or exclusively interacting with the other Babylon Rogues?
It's worse for the women than it is for the guys. Team Chaotix could show up because money or mystery, Mighty and Ray have nothing better to do, Silver The Hedgehog is from the future and needs a new excuse to be here every time he shows up, and if Shadow shows up, who is guarding the ARK and Eclipse Cannon and why is the moon fine? ...oh, right, continutity doesnt usually exist in this franchise.

Anyway Amy feels redundant as a character in her current state. I am not 12, I don't loathe her or any other Sonic character(except Eggman Nega for being a boring faggot who robs Blaze of the interesting enemies she could have fought), and I wouldn't want Amy replaced in the mainline series. But every character I put into this fighting game requires a lot of work and I need to be efficient. I need a roster that feels complete for the story, not just the gameplay. In Sonic Boom they gave her an interest in Archeology which always seemed more like a Knuckles or Tails thing.

Basically I think I should make Tails a cute 16 year old girl in this continuity.
It would let Tails fill his own role as normal and fill Amy's role better when necessary and make up for how I'm cutting her from the starting roster of game 1.
Tails flies, the roster needs a flier for gameplay purposes more than it needs yet another weapon swinger.

Changing Tails into a cute girl means the core roster of game 1 gets 1 female character and this is the only spot in the roster not spoken for by a character who can't be a girl.
If I don't make Tails a girl, I have to make Shadow a girl, and I think Tails would make a better girl. Although they could both probably be girls but Blaze is already the better Girl Sonic and Surge is already Evil Girl Sonic and giving Shadow tits would mean more work for me and I'm trying to be efficient with my roster choices.

Also what's the most redpilled you think I can be with a Sonic fighting game story, besides making Eggman a commie technocrat who wants to conquer Mobius's libertarian zones?
Anonymous
ca3d905
?
No.356648
356652 356658
>>356647
Eggman already represents cold machinery and egotistical foolish man enroaching upon nature's beauty, free will, the uniqueness of unique cultures, and ancient powerful things he does not understand.

He's the type of guy to try and enslave animals, people, animalpeople, Gods, machines that destroyed the empires that created them, and more with no backup plan. He once spread a virus to enslave people. Once destroyed an urban neighbourhood and an entire city trying to overcome God. Once tried to hold the world hostage with the International Space Station's secret Death Star laser.

Doctor Ivo "Eggman" Robotnik is already communist technosatan and Sonic The Hedgehog is Libertarian Jesus with super speed. Sonic doesn't care what others think is wrong or right, he doesn't mind being seen as the villain by some, he follows his own beliefs and does what he think is right. He beat death at least three times, the second time was by literally dying and getting better and then he undid that death later anyway with time fuckery. He is a flat character without an arc because he is always right except when the writers are fucking up and forgetting shit. He says he doesn't see himself as a hero, but this is because he is seriously that humble, he thinks he'd have to be even purer than he is to call himself a hero, but he won't hesitate to call all his friends heroes. He is positioned as the purest good in his setting, and he opposes a narcissistic implied-communist big-nosed technocratic dictator hell bent on ruling a cyborgized planet dedicated to worshipping himself.

How blatant can I be with the redpills here? How can I push it close to the edge but not over the edge?
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.356652
356660 356686
Terminus.jpeg
>>356647
>>356648
Just when you were having some pretty clever original ideas, this spiel about Sonic the Hedgehog of all things comes up. You're free to talk about the writing of it (this isn't my thread), but this is really, really long. Also, I'm not at all interested in Sonic the Hedgehog and I don't know how many people here are. Most of this is just overthinking because Sonic makes MLP look like a detailed and consistent world/plot in comparison so complaining about this is sheer 'tism.

For example:
>Eggman Nega
>Doctor Ivo "Eggman" Robotnik
They can't even decide on the name of the main antagonist.

>Turning Tails into a "cute" teenage tranny
ROFL. I didn't expect this from you. Do whatever you want lol.
>If I don't make Tails a girl, I have to make Shadow a girl, and I think Tails would make a better girl.
You're R63'ing/turning important characters trans just to fill in a diversity quota. At this point even the infamous OC option would be preferable.

>Also what's the most redpilled you think I can be with a Sonic fighting game story, besides making Eggman a commie technocrat who wants to conquer Mobius's libertarian zones?
>Doctor Ivo "Eggman" Robotnik is already communist technosatan and Sonic The Hedgehog is Libertarian Jesus with super speed.
Please don't make this any deeper than that. I won't deny that the Sonic franchise may have some good stories and themes, but in the end it's just a game about an anthro hedgehog preventing his fellow critters from being turned into robots. This is not the place to focus on "redpilling the normies."

Don't take this fighting game any more seriously than a fun little passion project which can help your game development skills. Don't expect it to be popular, don't expect it to be received well, and surely don't expect it to make any money. It's a fan-game about an established property so if you try selling it Sega can and will shut you down.
Anonymous
32c37bb
?
No.356658
>>356647
>>356648
Why can’t you stop? How many times and how many different ways by how many different people do you need to be told to stop doing this before the message finally gets through to you? What compels you to do this in the first place? What made you think that these posts were appropriate for this thread topic? What could possibly make you think anyone in a thread about books and writing would give a damn what you think about sonic the butt fucking hedgehog? What could possibly make you think that anyone, anywhere, would give a damn what you think about sonic the god damn cock pounding faggot-ass hedgehog? Or Beastars? Or Naruto? Or big-titty Pokémon? Or any of the other brainless consoomer properties your horrendous taste in everything compels you to obsess over like a god damn ten year old? Why can’t you just accept that nobody wants to hear your thoughts on this? Why?

Why can’t you just leave this site if you’re incapable of shutting the fuck up about this nonsense?

Why?
Anonymous
ca3d905
?
No.356660
356705 356708
64rn7680x3f91.jpg
>>356652
I fucked up. Sorry about the length. Didn't realize how long it was getting. I should have posted it all elsewhere and linked it here.

Robotnik was renamed Eggman, Eggman Nega is his alternate universe counterpart from Blaze's dimension until they decided he is Eggman's descendant from the future instead. They also fucked Blaze up permanently in 06, now everyone loves shit Silver+Blaze and forgot how much better she was when interacting with Cream and Sonic and the others.

I don't want to make the Tails we know and love a girl, I think his counterpart in this rework full of redesigns would be better as a girl so it can also replace Amy. I'm being very offensive and sexist by excluding a real woman from her own franchise and replacing her. Although I could put Tails and Girl Tails on the roster by giving him a sister. He does represent duality after all. Also I don't plan on selling this, I'm making this for fun and to improve my skills.

And to test an idea I had for fucking with the Burst and Roman Cancel meters in Guilty Gear. I wrote thousands of words on this and other game design choices about good and bad accessibility then deleted them. I basically added a new purely offensive Burst type that functions like a roman cancel if used during your combo giving you another way to use Burst offensively if you dont want to save it for breaking out of a foes combo. Also for 100% super meter you can Roman Cancel out of an enemy's combo. Not as good at defence as Bursting out of a combo but it's something for the TOD lovers to hate as they are forced to play more of the 2 player portion of the fighting game, playing AGAINST the opponent and not just playing a combo ON them. I want to save more info for the game's release as shit is still subject to last minute changes.

It was probably stupid for me to even bring up the Sonic game. It's a Sonic game. Eggman does evil, Sonic kicks his ass, rinse and repeat. No room for characters to bring up the federal reserve. At best I can make Sonic say some "Mankind ill needs a savior such as you" style lines about dangerous freedom being better than what a tyrant calls safe. I can't name a robot squad Eggman sends after Sonic the ATF: Animal Terrorising Force. Money doesnt even exist in Sonic except when it does (fucking sega mandates). Judanians from the planet Schlomoschion are not jealous of Mobians for their speed and heroism and scheming to force the vile alien Black Arms to live among Mobians and breed to create foul black creatures controlled by the Judes. The comic with Sally tried to be mature and it tried making dingos niggerjews and echidnas nazis and it dipped a naked squirrel girl in Fanta before telling her that her retarded nigger king father knows all and is literally always right thanks to his connection to the universe in his basement. Jesus that comic was a tornado of autism.

I should go back to talking about Fire Emblem, I'm putting more writing effort into that game. Even reading books like what I want to make. So far it seems stories that try to tackle the topic of social inequality from "both sides" seek to first take things far away from modernity into the realm of old history or fantasy where some people have magic and some dont. Then it tries to humanize the excessively privileged aristocrats eager to hold onto what's "theirs by birthright" no matter the cost by saying some of them worked hard at the best schools, and dehumanize some people who want an end to aristocratic privilege by making some want revenge more than justice, that way the nice vanilla protagonist can bring everyone together by being so nice and understanding. And maybe kill a bad lawbreaker or two only to then let bad lawmakers off with warnings. Anyone here have any recommendations for books I should read like this? Also if anyone else wants to talk about anything else thats fine too.

I read all the Lovecraft. Good shit. I am reading all the Edgar Allan Poe now. Glim, great job with the Nyx story, I like how the ending mocks all the evil shit Nyx did for no good reason and I thought the booze stuff would get old eventually but it never did. Also, nice joke with the fake money plan and thanks for not putting Silver into a cameo sucking massive penis.
Anonymous
ca3d905
?
No.356686
356687
>>356652
If a female character doesn't fill the female role of being kidnapped by the villain, a guy has to fill that role and that's gay.
Anonymous
6c09a87
?
No.356687
356690
>>356686
Why?
Anonymous
ca3d905
?
No.356690
356692
>>356687
Being kidnapped is disempowering, and emasculating. It robs you of agency and freedom. It reduces you to an object in an evil villain's plot in which you're an afterthought and whoever comes to rescue you or whatever they pay the ransom with is the real goal. A man doesn't get kidnapped and tied to train tracks, the damsel in distress does. That's why feminists hate when it happens to female characters and say it should only happen to male characters, like death and rape.

IRL kidnapping is also traumatic, but that stuff only matters in fiction when the writer says so.

Amy is a redundant character because any character can fill the role of "Girl with a crush on Sonic" in a manner more interesting than her. There's a reason why they started giving Amy's "Talk to the monster" scenes (Gamma, Shadow) to Cream, Cream's a better take on the child character while Amy's not much of a character, she's just there. Sometimes she swings a hammer about or uses magic tarot cards like the writers are trying to tell you she's cool now. But it doesn't give her anything to work with as a character.

Other female characters have more going on. Rouge has the whole femme fatale seductress spy thing going on except when she doesn't, Blaze has her dimension and all the ways in which she parallels Sonic, Sally Acorn has fans (for some reason? 90s sonic comics are shit you had to grow up with to like) meanwhile Amy is just a girl. There are a million girls. Probably more. Amy got flanderized into just being her crush on Sonic, got flanderized into being an awful person you don't want Sonic to be with, and then they de-flanderized her by making her closer to the generic strong girl character. The output of factory default settings. Also because Sega made Sonic 16 (until he was 15) and then made Amy a child, the relationship can't go anywhere interesting (and shouldn't. These kids are too young for serious relationships. Sonic aging in reverse after being 16 for 30 years doesn't make it any better.).

What I'm writing here is an alternate universe take on the Sonic franchise. Like a reboot except the original continues on.
That way I can redraw the characters however I feel like it for fun and I don't have to deal with the clusterfuck the lore became(shattered moon, multiple gods, character inconsistencies, timeline inconsistencies, why the fuck is Shadow serving GUN), I can fix stupid shit(Blaze and Knuckles are written so they don't need excuses to get out of the playsets they were designed for and show up in the main plot as anything other than a NPC who stands around and gives Sonic exposition), and I couldn't give in to the fanboyish urge to retcon shit I didn't like and reference random shit even if I wanted to.
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.356692
356696
>>356690
>kidnapping
Instead of a stereotypical Snidely Whiplash kidnapping why not have a male character be a POW or captured operative? This works fairly well in fiction as he still needs to be rescued but he's not merely passive, he's resisting giving information and trying to survive. Or is that too dark a concept?

>Sega made Sonic one year younger for no apparent reason
Gotta love their weird decisions with the franchise sometimes.
Anonymous
ca3d905
?
No.356696
>>356692
That would work for a cool guy character. But I still feel like putting girl Tails in the first one. And then I'll put a different moveset on guy Tails in the sequel.
Anonymous
1217a52
?
No.356697
356705 356707 356708 356723
>>356331
>>356388
>>356390
>>356390
>>356594
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PirVtiJuvDs&ab_channel=AllanCarrington
https://hackmd.io/d2mH8RuAQuSGnH04yYJaNg?view#Chapter-3
Anonymous
7a8be6b
?
No.356705
356707 356725
maxresdefaultHoS.jpg
>>356697
Hey! Ur back!
>>356660
There's quite a few serious projects that start out in similar ways. As in, you may be able to use your game as practice and/or a test-bed for some of your ideas.
Anonymous
ca3d905
?
No.356707
356708 356725
>>356697
Glad you're back!
>>356705
Yeah, that sounds good.
>Everyone
Who do you consider the most important Sonic characters besides Sonic and Eggman? Right now my roster is mostly Sonic and Sonic clones because every clone added to the roster is around a hundred hours of work or more saved.
And by Clones I mean what Ken and Akuma and Evil Ryu are to Ryu. Copypastes with slight edits that change just enough to give them distinct gameplay identities. New twists on a classic formula.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.356708
356713 356725 356726
1668904170576862.png
>>356697
Rad, nice to see you back. Hope you enjoyed the X-Files as much as I did. I'll take a look at this today.

>>356596
>>356630
Thanks frens.

>>356633
>>356660
Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I wasn't sure if it was going to work out either, I worried that the gags might get old after awhile. I'm pretty satisfied with how it turned out. I'll probably make another editing pass and then start publishing it.

> thanks for not putting Silver into a cameo sucking massive penis.
I'll probably save that for the supplemental side story.

>>356595
Your screed here is basically an example of the kind of thinking I'm advising you to avoid. You remember in Our Girl Scootaloo, the way that author wrote the Christian minister? You're basically doing the same thing here with Muslims. Your task as a writer is to understand what you're writing about well enough to present it accurately, and this holds equally true whether you want to present it positively or negatively. In order to do this you need to be able to detach yourself from your own emotions and opinions, otherwise you just end up writing a blogpost about your own views instead of a story. Again, think about the way Our Girl Scootaloo dealt with Christianity, or the way kkat presented the raiders. My advice would be to stop thinking about the way Muslims look to you, and start thinking about the way you probably look to them, and then go from there.

As a jumping off point, consider that most of the countries these people immigrate from are theocracies, to the extent that they have law and government at all. There is no separation of church and state, and concepts like democracy or the rights of the individual don't even exist as concepts. Islamic law and state law are the same thing, and punishments for violating it are severe (think stonings, limb amputation, etc). They are also highly patriarchal and believe that women should obey their husbands and fathers. Unmarried women who lose their virginity have defiled themselves and made themselves unfit for marriage. Anyone who is not a Muslim in this culture is also seen as an apostate; a person either accepts the true faith or is killed.

With that in mind, imagine that you are a person from this culture and you come to the present-day UK for the first time. How does it look to you? What do you think about all of these disrespectful, promiscuous teenage girls that are walking around? What do you think of the men who probably raised these girls? What do you think of a culture that would produce these sorts of men? Would you respect its laws and customs? Also, bear in mind that you probably have an IQ somewhere around 76, and have poor impulse control to begin with.

>>356707
>Everyone
>Who do you consider the most important Sonic characters besides Sonic and Eggman?
Personally I like Kramer, because he's based and hates niggers. Also, I like the way he's always just walking into Jerry's apartment and eating all of his food. He's subtly working to undermine the Jewish power structure by forcing his Jew neighbor to spend more money on groceries. George is a great character too. I really liked that one Sonic game where he got the job at the New York Yankees by doing the opposite of whatever Dr. Eggman told him to do. I forget which game that was, but I'm pretty sure it was on the original Sega Genesis. You may need an emulator to play it.

Elaine is basically a prostitute who doesn't charge; I would leave her out of your Sonic the Hedgehog game entirely. If she's in there the Muslims in your neighborhood will probably try to murder you for not respecting the will of Allah like based Kramer clearly does. Newman is also a great character, since he also works to undermine the Jew and drive him out of his apartment building. However, he may be too fat to be an effective character in your game. Sonic would probably outrun him. You might want to give him a Segway or something.
Anonymous
ca3d905
?
No.356713
356723 356772
NINETYSEVEN.jpeg
>>356708
The part where you called out the US Govt's worthless paper money was a masterpiece, please don't cut that. And the first time the ponies were disgusted at how gory the violence was, that was great, but that sort of joke is kind of Family Guy-ish. Like those Family Guy cutaway gags where Bugs Bunny is shot in the face. It's surprising the first time, but the reaction cute cartoon characters have to such excessive violence is funnier than the gory details. And you deserve an award for the misdirection with the play, the lost book and what actually happened to it, all of that stuff was miles ahead of that Fequestria scene where Kkunt misled the audience with what LP's mirror self meant.

It's punchy, quick, funny, effective, like pulling the rug out, but when you look back it makes perfect sense for the characters and the situation they're in. Unlike the mirror scene, which is a contrived excuse to temporarily generate fake interest and fake moral greyness with LP by pretending to question her moral authority as someone allowed to murderhobo all over the place, only to say "Just kidding, LP was always perfect and her inner self isn't a roaming monster thieving all it can get its hooves on and feeding itself with violence for fun, it's self-sacrifice, because of that time she threw herself into harm's way to buy a trader a few extra seconds without realizing she was being shot at for foolishly randomly dressing in the unwashed Raider armour she just pulled off freshly warm corpses from her earliest killing spree".

>>356708
I guess someone from a purely muslim country would be pretty horrified by our slutty women and the powerless dads that "raised" them. and the LGBTQWERTYs. They'd probably think violence is necessary to keep their women from turning out like this. Come to think of it, why risk bringing them here when they could stay home in wifi-free hyper-muslim shitholistan? Is gibsmedats money really worth that much to them? If they're afraid of the Jews taking more of the middle east from them, why don't they focus their hatred on the jews instead of getting distracted by "white loli cunny UUUOOOOOHHHH MUH DICK" or whatever? Then again a retard probably wouldn't think of these things. I guess a retard with poor impulse control would probably choose violence the second he got too pissed off, and rely on the jewed antiwhite system and jewmuslim courts/cops to give him a slap on the wrist unless the courts don't feel they can get away with it and send him to a muslim-controlled "prison". Then again muslims are schemers, they'd probably plot a bombing with the aid of many other muslims before practicing their "not all muslims! don't look back in anger!" chants for later.

It's hard to imagine what they might do because it's easier to imagine what more logically coherent fictional monsters would do. I can imagine being a member of the Brotherhood Of Steel or Enclave, kept away from "the commoners" outside the walls of my bunker, raised on military propaganda 24/7 while being told my patriotism/ideological purity makes me better than everyone who's killing each other over resources/ideology/tribal conflicts- I mean "killing just because they're just dumb filthy evil savages who need us to uplift them". I can imagine being taken to a "Raider Camp", mowing the men down with laspistol fire, feeling bad when my bosses slaughter the women and children too but doing nothing to stop them because "They're complicit", I can imagine being told those heads on sticks decorating the tribe's border wall are "innocent traders raped to death" even though they're really bandits who attacked this place or thieves who tried scamming these dumb innocent tribals. I can imagine the average guy in these factions just accepting what he's told and moving on, believing all that he's expected to because the bosses never fucked him over and "earned" his scrutiny.

I can imagine being born into Caesar's Legion, raised to think Caesar is God- I mean Mars and his will is absolute, raised to think women are worthless if they're not valuable breeding tools for creating more Legionaires, raised to think our success on the battlefield is due to superior strength that makes us more worthy to have everything we've ever taken, even if it was only taken through underhanded means.

I can imagine being born into the Fire Nation, raised on propaganda praising our industrialized nations and demonizing the "snow savages" and "dirt people". I can imagine marching on their towns and thinking "Fuck the Earth King, these impoverished weaklings will be better off as a Fire Nation colony" instead of knowing the war effort took all their resources and fighting-aged men.

I can imagine an Orc thinking no further than whatever the eyes see and its shallow emotions feel. Hunger, lust, rage, confusion, hatred, cruelty, like an evil NPC. No thoughts, head empty.

I can imagine something further divorced from reality like a cult of sheep in the mountains with a literal wolf in charge preaching "Reincarnation is real, die in a wolf's stomach and you'll reincarnate when your neighbours name their kids after you, be eaten by me and be cleansed of the sin of living" and justifying it with "They crave death! I help these worthless meatbags die happy".

But muslims are just confusing because most of them are helping the jew kill us and helping themselves to white kids instead of doing anything that could meaningfully counteract jewish attempts to brainwash us into wanting to die for pissrael and kill their fellow muslims.

>Kramer
Kramer's lines from Shadow the Hedgehog were recycled for Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Winter Games, but only Adam Blaustein was credited for this, who would later become a troon called Maddie Blaustein. "She" did porn on Second Life and LGBTQWERTY activism all under another pseudonym before dying in his sleep at 48. I googled Kramer and found this retarded Jeff Kramer trivia before reading the rest of your post and noticing the joke.
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.356723
356725 356727
>>356697
Shady's back! Tell a friend!

I really like this work and the addition of new characters. They mesh together very well. I like the reference to Glim's story and it works well. If Twilight appears at some point in the future then you probably have to explain why she's depressed. I don't recommend referencing the Pyx story any more, unless if you really want to, of course. Also, I noticed some tonal dissonance in the story.
The "black horseshoe of death" sounds out of place in cutesy horse land. In our own world secret service agents have duty as the reason to give up their life for their charge, even if he's particularly unlikeable, so why would that be different here? Threatening a filly agent with the equivalent of sending her to Hell just doesn't seem to fit unless if it's not actually true and just something said to JS agents so their immature minds won't waver.

The "unusual circumstances" surrounding JS agents adds mystery to the story. Is Anonymous actually a human isekai'd into Equestria with no memories of before, or is she just a regular family that happened to be born into a family of glowies? I guess we'll find out later on. Considering ponies have names related to their profession, Anonymous's name and cutie mark actually fits hers quite well. In most Anonymous filly stories she's left wondering what her cutie mark means, but here it makes sense.

Shining doesn't feel authentic compared to how he is in FiM, but that's a hard thing to pull off because he's a surfer bro who became the captain of the Royal Guard for unexplained reasons. By definition he's a shallow character, so I don't mind what you're doing here.

>>356713
>Rant about Islam
Yeah, safe to say you should keep a wide berth around this topic in your works. It touches too tender of a chord.
Anonymous
0d96a41
?
No.356725
356772
6568747.gif
>>356705
>>356707
>>356708
>>356723
It's nice to be warmly welcomed home. It feels good to be back.
>>356723
Thanks for reading and input!
Anonymous
0d96a41
?
No.356726
356772
>>356708
Btw, GG, don't worry about hurrying up to write the next chapter. You can take a long hiatus if you want. First, because I took so long so it would be hypocritical of me to ask more of you and second, because I will be busy till about januari so there's no stress.
Also, this chapter I just posted got a bit overwritten compared to my first. It wasn't the plan it just sorta happened so like you do absolutely whatever you want with the next chapter, you don't need to feel pressured to do the same, I certainly won't with my next chapter. So neither word count nor the amount of effort I put into this chapter is excepted from you, although you could do more with less effort than me, but you get I'm saying, I hope.
Anonymous
ca3d905
?
No.356727
356733
>>356723
But I don't feel like I'm blinded by hatred of Islam. I feel like I'm right to call this religion dumb and evil. Jews fear Nazis, and I'm told they fear Samurais too, but they have no fear of Islam because it's willing to be bribed to work against whites. Each individual is too selfish and corrupt, because that's what the religion encourages in people. Not charity, not humility, not guilt over original sin, just an eagerness to be as islamic as is convenient for you or required by the situation. And the "good" muslims are just dipshits who didn't read their book and notice all the evil, or monsters good at hiding their knowledge of what evil is.
"My name is Jafar, I come from afar"? More like "My name is Muhammad, I want child brides like he had".
And what would I gain if I depicted them in a positive light, anyway? My goal is to redpill whites.
Traditional western fantasy loves to have an enemy, an other. Maybe it's a race of pure evil beings made by an evil god to be evil. Maybe it's a race of self interested assholes working together against you for something you cannot control or change. Maybe it's an empire that wants your land. Maybe religious nuts who want to kill your Dragons and destroy your magic and make you slaves of their God. Maybe it's a faction of your people that splintered off and decided to be evil and violate some rule yours would never violate. Maybe it's weird magical monster people with amazing powers. Maybe it sings to seduce people into suicide or unexplainable (to people in the past) pregnancies. Maybe it's the evil king or dark lord and his men.
Orcs are perfect for this role. Orcs armed and funded by Goblin bankers are more of a threat. What's wrong with giving the Orcs some explosive rapey Sand Orc allies? It would make more sense than the type of enemy Orc that sings to make an ally invincible until you kill it, and the type of enemy Orc that heals its allies every time it harms you, and the type of enemy Orc that uses poison magic.
Anonymous
0d96a41
?
No.356728
Huh, muslims in my writing thread?
Is this a jihad? xP
Anonymous
ca3d905
?
No.356732
356733
Star Wars was a cheesy B Movie inspired by old stuff like Flash Gordon. Straightforward stories of heroism.

For this straightforward story of heroic jedi and evil wizards, magic was The Force, religion put into terms a hollow atheist who wants to feel "spiritual" can understand and respect. No powerful all-seeing all-knowing God to serve and respect, but at least there is an understanding that niceness and heroism is better than cruelty and villainy. This basic "philosophy" is a start for someone who never learned the best of western philosophy.

Kreia in KOTOR critically examined Star Wars and The Force and this understanding of good and evil. Asked if the world is really as simple as light and dark. Asks if a light jedi who desires to do good might rob others of their chance to get stronger and solve the problem themselves. Says a power that's not your own, like the force, isn't yours so the Sith who go evil to get stronger are faggots relying on others. Says The Force is evil for influencing some towards good and some towards evil and making them fight. Calls the Jedi and Sith incomplete understandings of the force and philosophy and truth, because the Jedi become less human when they deny their emotions and detach themselves from human emotion while the Sith become slaves to their desire to sin despite all the shit they preach about being freed by The Force. The Jedi become less able to help people, less understanding of anything besides the force. When Anakin asked Yoda for help, all Yoda could give were platitudes, and you can see the point where Anakin gives up on this muppet and stops paying attention and trusting him.

That's a lot of deep stuff. Deeper than what the mainstream consoomers want out of their media. The Prequels were shit, and they tried to critically examine the Jedi and what drove them to lose the galaxy to the Empire. They didn't do it very well. And The Force is a morally confused power set. Jedi Mind Tricks rob people of free will, force shoves knock people down and deny them fair fights, and being a flippy psychic superman robs lightsaber lightshows of their connection to real grounded gritty fights. Sith powers like lightning are also stupid. Why do villains get an elemental force like lightning?

How does this sound for my story?

In my story, good magic is when you use the light inside you and the natural elements of your world to protect yourself and others and craft amazing things. You mine elemental crystals from the ground and use them like batteries in machines. There are primitive "machines" like a sword with a gem in the hilt, and more advanced machines like construction equipment and guns. You have to understand science to use this exact science only the people of light, those descended from the God of Light and his wife the Goddess of the Earth, can use. They can make tools simple enough for others to use or recreate, but you have to be smart to be able to innovate. You need to be able to respect nature to command it. You can't build something wrong and expect it to work just because you built it. You have to be able to understand the natural world in a way egotistical liars and simpler creatures of pure evil can't. The elemental crystals are like coal but for all the natural elements and the heroic scientists censored by academia invent a way to generate a higher form of power with them, purifying and refining elemental crystals to unlock the power of light. It is the best power, which is why evil hates it and would rather create an energy crisis for the world than admit it is wrong.

Bad magic is the power of the creatures of darkness made by the goddess of the moon to spite the God of Light and his creations. You call upon darkness to make something corrode, decay, weaken, rot. You can call upon darkness to influence others for the worse and make them believe absurdities. You can brainwash people into turning on loved ones with darkness. Or you can steal the powers of others using darkness. You can grab a bird and destroy it, sacrifice it, to gain the ability to fly for a while. But it's a fleeting power that diminishes with time. There are diminishing returns. You must consume more and more. With each use of darkness, you are damaged. It's like a drug. One that should be illegal. You don't have to know anything to use this dark power, to steal, to destroy. You just have to have enough envy and hatred in your heart and enough darkness in your blood. When evil consumes elemental crystals, they are turned into mindless elemental monsters and robbed of their individuality. Evil is in charge, so it lies. Tells the world dark magic is the only real magic and mining elemental crystals is inferior to "purple" power sources like mining rare earth minerals and consuming them to power rechargeable batteries.

There is nothing good about the darkness. Good creates and protects, evil destroys and consumes and sacrifices and makes others sacrifice and lies about it later. That's closer to real than "The heroes lie and the villains use lightning".
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.356733
356735
>>356727
>Orcs are perfect for this role. Orcs armed and funded by Goblin bankers are more of a threat. What's wrong with giving the Orcs some explosive rapey Sand Orc allies? It would make more sense than the type of enemy Orc that sings to make an ally invincible until you kill it, and the type of enemy Orc that heals its allies every time it harms you, and the type of enemy Orc that uses poison magic.
If you want to criticize Islam focus on the substance of its faults. If you want to create a "not-Islam" religion then have its followers lie and deceive to further its agenda (taqiyya), engage in violence and work towards the destruction of the religion's enemies (jihad), and violently destroy all individuality in a way uncomfortable to civilized peoples (shariah). Leave out Islam's appearances (sand, turbans, scimitars, bombs etc.) so a reader doesn't immediately think "this writer has an agenda against Islam" but instead "this religion is pretty evil, and incidentally it reminds me of Islam." If you want to write a sympathetic character of this "not-Islam" have him be an anti-villain who faithfully follows his religion despite his misgivings and later on is convinced by the protagonist to abandon it.

>>356732
This is a terrific concept for a magic system and if you pull it off that would be amazing!
Anonymous
ca3d905
?
No.356735
356742 356771 356824
>>356733
That makes sense, thank you.

Do you remember when The Last Of Us 2 attacked Islam in a Jewish way by painting it as a bunch of hyper christian crazies who could quit the movement at any time but instead choose to wrongfully persecute jews who cannot change what they are and just want to defend their new home? There was this weird shit where one chrismuslimian shaved her head and was strongly implied to be a faggot, I forgot the exact details because this was pretty old but there was a great video on this by American Krogan and how it was designed to prepare the American viewer to view Jews as the innocent victims who need help in the middle eastern conflict. It kept calling Jews the most forgiving people and the girl you saved in TLOU 1 is dating a jew girl who dumps her for wanting revenge upon her father's killer more than she wants to do what the Jew says (didnt she end up letting the killer go in the end anyway?). It kept calling jews the most peaceful people, even though they have that eed halalya earfest religious holiday where they eat bread and call it the ears of some guy they hate and hang fake people around the house to celebrate how the jews hung him for getting in the way of a jewish plot or something. Earsgiving sounds so retarded that if I presented this to unaware viewers in my story, or that Kaparott festival where they scream and murder a chicken and whip their backs with it or stone a scapegoat goat to death in as a herd of jews while throwing stones at it to "transfer their sins into the animal" people would think I am making this shit up.

The ironic thing is that Muslims could abandon their child bride fetish and religion but they would still be low IQ and descended from desert barbarian warmongers. If we stopped being christian and stopped believing what our ancestors said about Jews and started believing what Jews say about our ancestors we would still be smarter better people and we would be hated for that.
Anonymous
ca3d905
?
No.356742
356771 356772 356824
>>356735
*the american krogan video and its sequel exposed the game TLOU2 by a jewish director who wanted the game to jew people into viewing the middle eastern conflict wrong.

Also a proofreader said my opening where the hero's a flawed down on his luck hard working guy mistreated by the system who does his best, gets the "No McFly ever amounted to anything! Mr Anderson, you will go back to your office wagecage and stop torrenting music or else! Rocky, you will never win!" speech from his asshole boss, still struggles to heat his home and feed his family despite working so hard at a dangerous construction site, goes to church and feeds the starving homeless and freezing elderly and beats an atheist in a religious debate, goes to the store to get milk because his libtard mom wants milk but feels unsafe going outside unaccompanied by a man but refuses to admit it, gets his cuckservative atoptive dad a newspaper full of "ORCS KILL WHITES. ORCS RAPE WHITES. ORC SUICIDE BOMBER KILLS 30. GROOMING GANG OF ORCS GET AWAY WITH IT. LOOK AT ALL THESE ORC FACES." only to ignore all of that and laugh at the boomer facebook meme tier political cartoon about how "dumb" leftists are(the dumb act is an act, they are pure fucking evil), thinks "I really shouldn't do this" but can't stop himself from saving a woman from an orc gang anyway, and later finds out she is rich and he saves her from her controlling aristocrat libtard family and gives her the life of a good housewife, and he joins the rebellion after it saves his life and his little sister and his girlfriend...

The proofreader said this isn't going to work right now. It's not what audiences want to see, because right now people don't want something so close to reality. Even if I make all the characters fantasy races or furries, people don't want to be told who's responsible for the real problems facing their country, they want to forget those problems and escape from reality and play simplistic vidyagames about slaughtering enemies to save the good kingdom instead of a complicated game about properly planning and creating a home within a fallen nation that belonged to your ancestors once but now wants you dead. So if I wanted this to redpill anyone, I'm better off saving this for later and starting with baby steps, and constructing a fake world where the righteous heroes live in their wonderful ethnostate for a while and then join the army to defend it from Orcs. He said I should try to recapture the impossible beauty of places like Equestria and make the audience want to protect it, and just giving the down on his luck hero a little sister who is also his last surviving family member isn't enough, the work needs a group of good heroic people introduced to the audience quickly, maybe a military unit or considering the target audience of RPG players, a group of high school students at Not Hogwarts.
Anonymous
ca3d905
?
No.356770
356771
One of the worst things about my old shit brony fanfic was the shit I put in thinking it would appeal to bronies just because it was in stories they liked.

I don't want to repeat this mistake. How do I make sure I'm taking inspiration from something correctly and not copying something shit?
Anonymous
bbb7386
?
No.356771
356773
>>356735
>>356742
>>356770
Get. A. Life. You. Autistic. Nigger.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.356772
356773 356819
all_i_want_for_christmas_is_pinkie_by_lvgcombine-d4hib15.png
>>356713
>Kramer's lines from Shadow the Hedgehog were recycled for Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Winter Games, but only Adam Blaustein was credited for this, who would later become a troon called Maddie Blaustein.
lmao is there seriously a Sonic character named Kramer? I thought I was just shitposting.

>>356725
>>356726
I should have something relatively soon. If there's no rush I may aim for mid January for having the next installment done.

>>356742
Something you might want to consider if you're having trouble being subtle is aiming for comedy instead of drama. You can get away with more exaggerated and ridiculous depictions of things when you're clearly trying to make it funny, whereas when you try too hard to make things dramatic and serious you usually end up with comedy anyway. In a game you can also get away with making things cartoony and exaggerated.

If you're planning on trying to release this as a serious title, you might want to consider scaling back the vitriol against jews and blacks and whatnot and focus your attacks on white leftists and woke culture. It's a little more generally accessible and is less likely to get you in trouble since there's already a pushback against that sort of thing in normie-conservative circles. You'll still probably get some grief over it, but in general attacking sanctimonious leftoid whites is safer than attacking any of the diversity directly. However, if you're just planning to self-publish or release it by word of mouth on chans or whatever it probably doesn't matter that much.

>>356713
>And the first time the ponies were disgusted at how gory the violence was, that was great, but that sort of joke is kind of Family Guy-ish. Like those Family Guy cutaway gags where Bugs Bunny is shot in the face. It's surprising the first time, but the reaction cute cartoon characters have to such excessive violence is funnier than the gory details.
I was kind of curious how people were going to react to that. Honestly the joke is pretty much exactly what you said: it's just over the top for the sake of being over the top. If I had to fabricate some kind of intellectual-sounding justification for it, I'd probably say it was a commentary on a lot of the edgelord stuff people like kkat put in their fanfics to shock people, but if we're being perfectly honest here I just did it for cheap lulz. I'm probably going to let a couple of other people read it and see how they react, and then make the final decision about whether or not to scale it back; I know people have different levels of tolerance for that sort of thing. honestly the pineapple in the vagina gag might have been a bit much
Anonymous
ca3d905
?
No.356773
356824
>>356772
I have no idea how I could make such serious subject matter comedic. I guess I could make the villains comically over the top and their enablers comically oblivious and hypocritical to the point that Catch-22 characters would laugh at this.

There was this part in a poorly written official Fire Emblem game where two generals in the evil army say "Are we the baddies?" to each other and then attend a meeting with ridiculously obviously evil characters in the evil army and while it's played completely straight with child level writing I kept waiting for the punchline where someone notices how absurd this is but the punchline never came. Any comedy needs a scene taking the piss out of that sort of scene, I've seen it done better but I have never seen it done worse. Books for children have more subtlety. I'd love to do a parody where I take the piss out of everything I'm sick of seeing in FE and bad fantasy stories in general. Like the hypocrisy in which villains are or are not recruitable to the heroes side. Like only recruiting the pretty boy enemy amongst the horde of extremely ugly bandits, or recruiting villains who should die for their sins while refusing to recruit villains you wish you could spare but cannot because game mechanics, or sending one woman to seduce an enemy by babbling about love for ten seconds, or the sheer absurdity of an enemy flipflopping to your side for life just because you send Lord Goodguy to talk to him. There could be a bit where the evil chosen one guy uses that same Talk No Jutsu trick against one of your playable characters to turn them against you.

You know the joke that Harry Potter fans literally never read another book or book series? It seems to be true for most FE fans who never read any books darker than "the darkest" FE games or better written than "the best written" FE games. Watching them praise trash makes me feel like I'm overthinking things. Then again, I'm making this game for a reason, so it has to be good.

Also Kramer was a voice actor who voiced the killer robot E-123 Omega in the Sonic The Hedgehog spinoff Shadow The Hedgehog. The one where you play as Sonic's grumpy black 50-something rival who rides a motorcycle and shoots a gun while saying E10+ rated words like damn and hell.

>>356771
That kind of talk isn't going to help anyone. Don't you want to be better than this?
Anonymous
ca3d905
?
No.356790
356824
You know what's fucking retarded?

Jews and unwittingly jew influenced writers keep using magic-fearing fantasy kingdoms as this retarded metaphor for homophobia and xenophobia and their other buzzwords. Jewed fantasies of jackbooted christian inquisitor crusaders tearing families apart and locking kids up because their kid just hit puberty and got noticed by the Wizard-Hunting Gestapo who have vays of makink you talk, shwinehund.

The retarded feminist fantasy of witch girls goes nowhere because unlike fantasies of magical or chi powered or elemental kung fu oe scientifically inclined alchemists or even DND wizards, gaining more power is as boring as the writer deciding you have more now. There is no attribute prized as the secret, usually, unless it is something vaguely feminine. There is nothing for limitless magic users to do all day except sit around being all important gods in human clothing unless they have a villain to fantasize about fighting.

If you had the potential to do magic you could be very useful to the state. The state would be retarded to try and kill most or even all of its magic users when it could just control them by controlling who can and cannot learn magic and do magic and what magic can and cannot be used for.

It's such a boring take on what magic could be. Magic can be anything. Magic can be used to explore characters. But it would be interesting to see it used as an exploration of power and the responsibilities that come with it. An exploration of freedom and the responsibilities that come with it. An exploration of the cultural heritage that shapes how magic is used and taught and passed down through the generations and what this means for the different nations. You can start conversations on how power should be utilized to rule over those without it, or if power should be used that way in the first place. The Gods can be more than plot devices who dispense power when the writers tell them to, they can be characters whose failings help explore themes.
Anonymous
9664311
?
No.356805
356824
boomers pressing the button that enriches themselves at the expense of their successors.gif
Seems making my protagonist's adoptive father a cuckservative boomertard in denial about how his pozzed proto-wokeness made his generation the jewish stepping stone that sold his country out and helped Jews get this far, and his adoptive mother who's a kind and sweet but stupid libtard who turns nasty the second libtardism is questioned might have been the wrong move.

The hero's struggling to survive as a worker, feed himself and his little sister, warm his home, talk to his sister about the propaganda that wants her ashamed of her race's successes and sins they never committed.

Making his parents good people who died for expecting better from their government and actually protesting peacefully without expecting to be brutalized by zogbots helps the message that peaceful protest won't dethrone the enemy. Now he and his sister are orphans and they have to live somewhere.

But if his new adoptive parents are cunts, doesn't that harm the message? Feels like it might.

Mom's a middle-manager at some supermarket who thinks she's more important than she is, dad sits around getting disability cash even though he's fine, and even though he gets more than enough money from this and the adoptive family fund, he squanders it. If he was a good adoptive father his son wouldn't need to work full-time to support his family. His son could be educating himself and making a career out of what he's good at. His son's the man he relies upon and he's in denial about that. He grumbles to the walls of his living room sitting in his favourite chair and sometimes he sleeps or shits.

Mom and dad, they're wasteful hoarders who listen to overly loud unbearable boomer music about doing drugs and getting STDs and being rockstar whores when they're not listening to "Imagine no possessions! All you need is love! Life is meaningless and some day we gonna die, we all gon get so high!" shit. Despite being on "opposite ends of the political spectrum" they married because neither really believes in anything. If anything, mom's more of a conservative than him and he's closer to a real liberal than her, because he whines about new wokeness but won't tolerate any criticism of old wokeness while she acts soft and sweet (almost traditional if you ignore her woketard views) but she drops her soft sweet harmless soft girl mask the second she thinks something is an existential threat to her spot in the oppression stack. She's got something she wants to conserve, because it's hers. He's got nothing he wants to conserve, because he's a cuckservative unwilling to believe anything his generation did or allowed was wrong. He whines about this week's shit but he'll defend it next week because next week will have new shit to whine about and he'd rather not admit he was the reason it was allowed to happen.

I might have been too literal with these two characters. It's certainly made them unbearable to read about. They're too close to reality and too far from anyone fictional enough to be likable. I thought just making them like my parents in that regard while keeping everything else that made my parents awful people out of these characters would be a welcome dash of realism. But it's too much. My father was a better parody of a cuckservative than anything the left could dream up.

I've read stories where the protag's parents are wrong at first, then see the truth when they're forced to and change for the better. Maybe they'll forbid their child from something they're good at because they're old tards afraid of new shit and unwilling to grow up instead of growing older, then they'll get over this when their kid saves the day. But people this don't seem like they'll ever change or grow. They're just dead weight. How many more need to die before they change? There is no answer, because nothing can change them. The world would be a better place today if everyone like them died yesterday.

I watched Arcane again. The heroes have a dad, and he's wrong. His name is Vander. Vander's story hits hard. So does he. He wants what's best for his people, and doesn't want to use violence. That's the conflict at the core of his character. That's holding his people back, gives them nothing to bargain with against the corrupt rich and powerful, allows Silco to take control by offering his people power. Vander's too soft, but he's not evil. He's not stupid, just wrong. He dies fighting to conserve what he's got left when he has no choice but to fight, but he'd never choose to fight for a cause that could get his people more, whether that's Silco's cause or anyone else's. He preaches about togetherness, but that's not enough. In that way, he's a mirror of Heimerdinger. Maybe that's a better level to fight for. Or maybe the hero's new adoptive parents should be good people, and a friend of the hero should have the unbearable boomers for parents. I have no idea what I'm doing.
Anonymous
c33c97e
?
No.356806
What if the hero's adopted dad fought in the military for his country and got crippled?
Anonymous
cea014c
?
No.356819
>>356772
That sounds good.
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.356824
>>356735
>>356742
>>356773
>>356790
>>356805
Okay, this is a lot to go through.

>The proofreader said this isn't going to work right now.
Best thing he's ever said to you. You know that obscenely rambling paragraph that just preceded this sentence? You're so emotionally invested in all that, that you've thrown away basic writing principles. That's as good an example as any for why you shouldn't make this story about stuff you're emotionally tormented by, and instead just have that stuff obliquely referenced. You are trying too hard to make this game "woke" but in the opposite direction. Let this project be a form of escapism for you.

>If you had the potential to do magic you could be very useful to the state. The state would be retarded to try and kill most or even all of its magic users when it could just control them by controlling who can and cannot learn magic and do magic and what magic can and cannot be used for.
That's already a trope and, of course, it's already used for crappy purposes: https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/SuperRegistrationAct

Don't stress too much over what other people have done with concepts, instead focus on making your concepts and execution good.

>I might have been too literal with these two characters. It's certainly made them unbearable to read about. They're too close to reality and too far from anyone fictional enough to be likable. I thought just making them like my parents in that regard while keeping everything else that made my parents awful people out of these characters would be a welcome dash of realism. But it's too much. My father was a better parody of a cuckservative than anything the left could dream up.
Yes, exactly. If the story is just a self-insert of your life it ruins the whole idea of this being a fantasy world. At least use metaphor or something.

>In that way, he's a mirror of Heimerdinger.
https://youtu.be/EbIx0dGY7B0
Sorry, couldn't resist.
Anonymous
c33c97e
?
No.356825
356826
What if the only real world element that made it into fantasy land was a down on his luck everyman human protagonist?
And it's basically an isekai harem anime game aesthetically.
The everyman effortlessly gets busty elf bitches, centaur bitches, all the bitches. It's everything the average man wants in a story these days.
But then I work politics in subtly. With even more subtlety than before.
The fantasy kingdom is surrounded by enemies, the king is betraying his people for cash by importing these enemies and demanding we all get along because he fears we could not win a war against them but is actually a huge pussy bitch, the (((aristocrats))) made the King their puppet and they control the Dai Li fantasy gestapo glow-in-the-darks, and the heroic everyman must marry the princess and overthrow the king even though the king would rather marry her off to a rich Aristocrat for cash. He must do a Rocky training montage and become gigachad and live without sin and eat healthily and learn to fight properly. He must become dangerous and heroic. He must become the hero even though the chosen one cheating supersword stops working when he stops doing as the King says. He and his private army monstergirl harem must learn what makes you different makes you stronger than a normie. He overthrows the government and exiles all the niggorcs and arrests those who resist or stay and those who riot over this get shot. Then he immediately makes polygamy legal so he can have a monster girl harem. Nobody will even notice the niggers. They will be too focused on white women with large milky tits and Monster Musume body bits. There could be a scene where the hero is accused of genociding six million orcs and he says "That didn't happen but I wish it did because they deserve it". And there could be a scene where the hero trips and falls onto a centaur woman's giant tits. Anime does that sort of shit all the time. Anime fans love it. It will help my subtlety hide in plain sight. Probably. Am I on the right track here? Media these days is hypersexualized and horny. Must I become hornier?
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.356826
356827
>>356825
No. Just no.
Anonymous
c33c97e
?
No.356827
356828
>>356826
Good call. I like drawing women but I don't think I'm very good at writing them. I'm still relatively new to writing.
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.356828
356829
>>356827
Your Fire Emblem game is really good at its core, just don't make it a stand-in for real-world politics. I realize that's hard for you but good allegory is a difficult art.
Anonymous
c33c97e
?
No.356829
356831
>>356828
Lord Of The Rings was said to not be an allegory but it still works as one. Is that what I should aim for?
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.356831
356832
>>356829
It's the ideal. Whatever you make doesn't have to be perfect but as long as players aren't left with the message "I'M THE AUTHOR AND I'M HERE TO TELL YOU THAT MOSLEMS AND JEWS SUUUUUUUCK" you should be fine.
Anonymous
c33c97e
?
No.356832
356932
>>356831
In LOTR the evilness of the Orcs is written by an author who expects the audience to understand Orclike behaviour such as killing and stealing is wrong, just like destroying nature for the military industrial complex and destroying beauty for brutalism. It trusts the audience to understand that old mind-controlled faggot king is a faggot and breaking free from old age and decay and foolishness and evil means healing and being himself again.
Since that story's release the jew has worked tirelessly to damage society's moral framework.
There are even contrarian retards who side with the Orcs because they're too jewish or jewed to believe the hyperwhite elves can be right about the Orcs.
Can I really trust the audience to understand the barbarians are the bad guys, and understand the aristocrats are evil for importing them and using them against whites, and understand the king is a faggoted cuck traitor for working with the aristocrats to preserve his power and position at the expense of his people and responsibilities to his people?
Anonymous
9664311
?
No.356834
356845
How the hell did the writing in my fighting game with Sonic The Hedgehog characters and an OC end up so introspective and contemplative?
I wrote whatever came naturally to me with this story and ended up with something that works as Sonic Adventure 3 and its own thing entirely.
It's got deep themes and big ideas without trying to shoehorn in a political agenda or rants about Islam and Globohomo.
I went into the character design phase thinking "Let's have fun and make this a crazy party and turn everything up to 11", but the writing turned out... natural? Natural feels like the right word here.
I wasn't thinking about this from a political angle.
I wouldn't expect to redpill somebody with Sonic the Hedgehog fanfiction within a game where Sonic has a 20F overhead 6H and an upper body invincible 6P. But then again, isn't that as ridiculous a goal as trying to redpill someone with the fantasy story within a real time strategy game?
I was just having fun writing about what interested me about these characters instead of asking how I could use them to explore a political message.
Maybe that's the secret to writing well?
Anonymous
bf12ad6
?
No.356845
356846 356850 356897
>>356834
Nigel, I've been sitting on this for a while. So here it is. And no, it doesn't have to do with the quoted post.
If you want to rewrite FoE but NOT shit, the main thing it needs is more protagonists.
One pony, let alone a small handful of ponies, cannot be expected/accepted to have accomplished ALL THE SHIT that the story credits the small handful (and really only one) pony of doing. Gaykat was extremely (can't emphasize that enough) in making Littlepip (and co, but barely) the 'source' of all the 'progress/development'.
If FoE were to be rewritten 'properly', it would probably involve a sole/group protagonist starting a MOVEMENT, with individual ponies doing THEIR part throughout the world. Instead of 'everywhere at once and at the right time', it should have been 'everyONE at once and at the right time'.
That's what would make the story a shit-ton better in a few easy(?) steps.
Merry christmas
Anonymous
bf12ad6
?
No.356846
>>356845
The missing word is 'lazy'
Anonymous
9664311
?
No.356850
356895 356897
>>356845
Damn right. That's a smart idea there. Gaykat kept saying Littlepip was inspiring ponies all over the wasteland to be better but how much of that did we really see? Not to mention all the retarded shit at the end where we get introduced to retarded shit like the pink cloud dragon mouse.

If Kkat didn't want to do an anthology series of standalone adventures telling the story of the world of FE and what created it, and emotionally needed LP to take center stage, fine. Fallout Equestria should have had the heroes travel the world on a quest to gain power and allies to overthrow the end goal established early on: The evil overlord character. But the heroes would keep stopping along the way to help ponies now and then even though the designated cynical Sokka kind of character in the party keeps saying "Guys, no, stop, we need to get our asses in gear and focus on the main plot, we can't stop to have fun penguin sledding or stop to help the local small village. We will help all small local villages way more by taking out the Evil Overlord!".
Some friends would join the party. LP's crew had what, four people? Littlepip, some shotguns with wings, a healer with a lethal metal needle rifle the author thought was a sleeping dart gun, and a personality-free zombie inside a suit of armour with guns and grenade launchers. Oh, and a zigger with unarmed super martial arts and bullshit potions. And a radioactive phoenix.

She needed more people. More scenes where she relied on people. Monkey D Luffy's pirate crew in One Piece was bigger. His crew, the Straw Hat Pirates, were better written, too. Offered a better range of contrasting personalities and power levels and mindsets. Luffy needs his crew. There are all sorts of things this loveable idiot with a heart of gold can't do. They're all things his friends can do. This keeps him from feeling half as overpowered as LP even though LP would be crushed by literally any of the Straw Hats. If you think LP dropping a boxcar onto Luffy would phase him you haven't even watched episode one, and anyone who could be harmed by LP would be too smart to give her the chance to try.

Remember the story arc where Ussop felt useless and left the crew temporarily? Why did Velvet never leave the party in a way that mattered, even temporarily? Why did nothing interesting ever come of Velvet or Calamity's backstories, their personalities, their relationship, or how Calamity used to be an Enclave member yet has nothing interesting to say about the Enclave and nothing useful to tell his party about the Enclave?

FE would have been great if a competent writer wrote it. Sometimes there are temporary guest star party members as the village of the week gives the party a guide who knows the area and can guide the heroes, or the questgiver of the week demands to come along with the party on the killquest, or whatever. Sometimes the quest is to save a life. Bandits kidnapped someone. A bandit killed someones dad and the son wants revenge and he has to decide how far he is willing to go for revenge and/or justice. There can be small episodic adventures, and multi episode story arcs about overthrowung bigger villains to serve as season openers and season enders. A guy who used to be a raider and then gave up violence when he found a town willing to take him in and make a farmer of him might be reluctant to ever use violence again even in the towns defense until someone says the right words to him. LP and friends go around helping ponies and doing the right thing and learning moral lessons. Sometimes friends join the crew and sometimes they do not.

Then at the end before the big final battle, all sorts of friends made along the way by helping this little village here and that pony there join together. Imagine if everything the story set up came clashing together in a big war with big stakes and permanent losses and a fundamental shift in the world's status quo.

I wish I could go back in time and make Gaykat watch One Piece (the One Pace edit that improves pacing and removes filler, I'm not a monster) so this story would be more like a good story and less like a confused writeup of some tard aimlessly fucking about in Fallout 3 with overpowered Companion allies and cheats on.

Littlepip's Respect Thread is a hilarious highlight reel of all the dumb feats of bullshit Gaykat allowed LP to get away with. Fucking "Convinces an opponent to provide her with a balefire bomb, despite the fact this opponent was using the bomb to coerce her into a mission" is still my favourite. Remember that if LP and her rugmunching girlfriend had taken that bomb threat seriously and searched the tower from top to bottom and found no bomb because it was in Zigger's possession so she could sneak it into Alicorn land while LP was there, instead of enjoying the spa and taking it easy, LP's retarded "wipe my memories of how Ziggo has the nuke I took from Red Eye, which Red Eye was using to threaten Tenpony Tower to blackmail me, and have Ziggo nuke the Alicorns while I walk into Alicorn territory" plan would have fallen apart. It's so much funnier than the time laserblasts turn people to ash, then only turn LP's rib to ash, then only turn people to ash sometimes. What's your favourite moment of bullshit in Fallout Equestria? https://www.reddit.com/r/respectthreads/comments/4yp04k/respect_littlepip_fallout_equestria/
Anonymous
f4a5140
?
No.356895
356896 356897
>>356850
One Piece is an excellent example, as are some of the suggestions you made. If Velvet had gone off and participated with another group of lesser protags and then built them up before returning to the main party, it would allow for a final boss fight like you describe, with awesome moments of the main protags getting their bacon saved because of the frens they made and the ponies they had helped.
Additionally, perhaps a comic medium - like Noblesse, Tower of God, Dice, etc. - would be more suitable, though unless a gaming/graphics engine were explored that would require artistic talent/effort.
Personally, I think that a novelized/story rendition of actual RPG sessions is the best way to get going, but you know that already XD
Anonymous
9664311
?
No.356896
>>356895
Yeah. You remember that part in Avatar The Last Airbender when all the people from earlier showed up to invade on The Day of Black Sun, right? Katara and Sokka's dad, and his friend from earlier, the swampbenders, Haru, the flying wheelchair guy, some of Jet's freedom fighters, Earth Kingdom Wrestling guys like The Boulder, it was great. That tongue lizard girl shows up later, but she doesn't ahow up here as part of Team Avatar because that wouldn't fit her character. Really makes this world feel like a place that exists even when characters aren't looking at it, and rewards the audience for paying attention and remembering these places. All these setups finally pay off, but they stay smart and avoid going overboard. And for the viewers who have no idea who these people are, the reactions of our main heroes to these guys tell you what you need to know.

Wonder what it would look like if they tried that in Fallout Equestria. There was a retarded little filly obsessed with Pinkie Pie who somehow intimidated Littlepip into fearfully backing up into a... was it a safe? Gawd had her retarded plan to kill her own assigned boss and take over the prison and betray Red Eye but she kept insisting "I think he might be working against Red Eye and I am an honourable contract obsessed merc" because Kkat can't write even though "I'm sick of serving evil and so is my family. If you give me control of this prison colony full of slaves I was hired to guard I will make this a refugee camp for you" would have been simpler and easier to write. A character named Crane existed in one town and strengthened LP's telekinesis further for no reason but he had no personality. Derpy Hooves existed as a 200 year old joke character able to pull off radioactive sonic rainbooms because the author is a talentless hack with no self control. There was that town full of cannibals- oh, wait, Littlepip killed them all. Well, there was the Brotherhood of Steel that had a civil war over whether you should steal and hoard tech for no real reason or do what AJ wanted and protect ponies. A chapter of them could show up but they were never really named charactdrs who had personalities that mattered. She could have made friends during the arc where LP became a slave and she could have led a slave revolt to freedom and it would have been better than what ended up in the final story. I'm sure cartoons for children have already done these cliche ideas like save the character, save the town, help free slaves as a slave, shit Kkat could have ripped off if he wasn't trying so fucking hard to seem smarter than everyone else while failing horribly.

Come to think of it, Kkunt does that a lot. Tons of characters are nameless faceless props. Maybe they have names assigned to them. But they don't have character traits, and if they do, they don't matter enough to ever get in the way of playing their role in the Littlepip power fantasy. LP can go around killing every last Radioactive Scorpion or Radioactive Manticore or Radioactive Diamond Dog and Raider and Bandit and everything else in the way of plundering tombs of the old world and feel nothing because that's what this story is really about. Not the world, not the characters, not setup or payoff, not the ways in which it differs from FIM and Fallout 3/NV or the way it rips them off, not the incomplete history of Equestria's fall, it'a about LP clicking on heads and picking up loot until she feels like having Spike use the Fire Breath glitch to Wrong Warp her to Celestia and trigger the end credits without actually truly sacrificing anything.
Anonymous
1c395a7
?
No.356897
356898 356900 356960
bethesda fallout failure.jpg
>>356845
>>356850
>>356895
>Imagine if everything the story set up came clashing together in a big war with big stakes and permanent losses and a fundamental shift in the world's status quo.
>just write Project Horizons bro
If y'all want to rewrite FoE properly without making it "Not Fallout" (as Glim's suggestions will do) or "literally just PH with different anime/minus the anime" as yours do, more protags/starting a movement is not an option.
Your idea is "she can't accomplish all those events in timeframe given", and your choice is making it so there's more capability of doing things - while the correct decision would be to
>1: make the timeframe make sense
Get rid of video game time. Stuff does not wait for the Divine Protagonist to come and do things. This doesn't mean that things should happen outside her role as an agent of change - this means she shouldn't be getting randomly distracted because she knows that'll put everything else on pause. If something is urgent, like the whole Canterlot business, the arc should be about it and nothing else, and the events should take reasonable amount of time and be in a sequence instead of being stuffed whenever and the reader having to figure out when. This leads into...
>2: get rid of extraneous events
It stops being "too much to accomplish" if you remove all the fucking superfluous side-quests. No, Littlepip doesn't need to end up in the cat-thing vault and violate future lore in the process Stealthbucks don't mask smell, unlike zebra cloaks. She wouldn't be able to get through a bunch of cat-derived predators., it makes no sense and doesn't even set up Calamity's character up. No, she doesn't need to come into possession of a town that is then reduced to a footnote. No, she doesn't need a zebra loredump or Little Lamplight ripoff in the middle of fucking rushing to Canterlot so that her munching-rug can not explode (or so she thinks). No, she doesn't need fucking bogus Arbu/Bucklyn detour. No, she doesn't need fucking bogus Friendship City detour.
Chekhov's Gun is not "set things up so they can be used later". Chekhov's Gun is "if you're not going to use a thing, do not add it at all. If the gun is on the wall in first act, it must fire in the fourth - if it does not fire, remove it from the scene entirely. Conservation of detail, with foreshadowing as a consequence rather than a cause. And Fo:E is in short supply of Chekhov's guns.
Fixing the timeline also requires fixing the map, because as-is it's nonsense that does not match anything, not even Fo3's map. Official FiM map shouldn't be used because it's retarded and USA-like (and consequently, not genuine).

Speaking of her companions, one option to make Velvet Remedy not retarded while preserving one of the things that made Fo:E popular (worldbuilding) would be to make her escape, realize that Wasteland is nowhere near like how she imagined it, be coerced into working for raiders instead of MUHPASIFISMHELPEVERYPONY, saved by Littlepip and Calamity (this also can give a legitimate reason for the slaver town assault/destruction rather than "muh sense of justice"), have a crisis of faith and, after seeing the "RGRE confirmed" Stable for herself (and thus realizing that her historical knowledge is sorely lacking), decide to figure out how everything happened - thus giving justification to all the log-reading and orb-watching, and making the "Followers of the Apocalypse" moniker make sense instead of being a retarded namedrop that fits PH's Morning Glory better anyway Followers are ex-Enclave, they still have a vertibird and their power armor suits, and you can get them to do a last hurrah during assault of the Hoover Dam. Incidentally, this also allows reframing Fo:E itself as Littlepip's biography written by Littlepip rather than Littlepip remembering events herself and being a terrible fucking storyteller.
For Calamity, similarly, instead of a few pointless drops like him being called Deadshot Calamity by other Enclave pegasi or the non-conflict with the Wonderbolts, it needs to have him have suspicious amounts of knowledge of the old world and more stuff in his history than he lets on - but reveal of the "why"s and "how"s should be in a different story entirely, because this one is Littlepip's. In fact, personality-wise I think he should take from Arcade Gannon, the companion Follower of the Apocalypse, in this regard, and more than a dollop of Joshua Graham, shared with all other Dashites as "disgraced and disfigured castaways from a culture of powerful antagonist who weren't expected to survive the disgracement".
Anonymous
9fd539a
?
No.356898
356901
>>356897
Respectfully, no you're wrong.
Let's look at Game of Thrones for example; a whole myriad of characters and personalities all operating on each other throughout - adversaries one minute, and tentative allies the next - but all banding together against the White Walkers.
I concede that much of the minutiae could be omitted and/or loosely referenced, but all the side questy bullshit should NOT be done by the main protagonists excepting when intentionally developing a rapport between specific characters. Such activity could be included through exposition/report/communique, rather than narrating the entire scene.
Another thing, is the reader supposed to conclude that LP is the greatest bestest murderhobo evar, or is there the chance that a proper protagonist could enlist the assistance of a strike team. Maybe the main protag is combatitively INEPT and the story is about trying to appeal to more capable ponies; MLP meets Fallout, meets Bug's Life. But, I do agree that a One Piece sort of dynamic - where the main protag IS a badass, but with legitimate and easily exploited weaknesses, leading them to formulate a larger group of badasses that are COLLECTIVELY a mary sue - is the best course.
Its merely a series of ideas at this point, but being as though it has long been one of Nigel's more pressing inquiries ("Can FoE be a decent story, and if so, how?") I thought to offer it while I'm watching the festivities in the sad aryanne thread.
Anonymous
9664311
?
No.356900
356901
>>356897
Whoever wrote that pic is a fucking genius.
A good crossover between Fallout and MLP should write itself. Fallout is about society, and Equestria in MLP is a society. How does it fare against the challenges of a communist enemy, a nuclear threat, subversion, and nuclear annihilation? How does it pull itself back from annihilation after a nuclear apocalypse? Would ponies decide that niceness isn't working out? Would ponies decide niceness to ponies is good, but being nice to nonponies isn't working out? Even at their most aggressive and driven to defend themselves, I can't ever see ponies as a whole becoming evil.

Gaykat isn't interested in answering these questions, he's interested in making torture porn to prop up his OC and justify the murderhobo playset she lives in until the author decides it's time to rush this story to its awkward conclusion even if it requires cheating logic so hard even the protagonist and author working together can't contrive an excuse for why Spike's breath didn't kill LP but did kill some other bitch.

Hell, at that point, just to get the story over with, I would have accepted "Spike's breath destroys things and recreates them somewhere else, but this process kills living beings due to the pain. And who is recreated on the other end is a different pony completely. Burn multiple things at once and they show up on the other end mixed together. LP trusted in her statuette collection to make her Rainbow Dash enough to get through the barrier, trusted in her retarded radioactive healing factor to keep her alive, and trusted her own values and moral lessons enough to think whoever ends up inside Celestia's cum cavern would make the right choice.".

Actually, fuck that whole weather thing. The Gardens Of Equestria should not have been a red herring, it should have been the end goal. Kill the Enclave Commander Red Eye atop Mount Doom formerly known as Canterlot, blow up the Death Star-esque laser satellite thing he created there, and reach The Gardens Of Equestria which is underground in the crystal catacombs beneath his Fortress Of Evil.

Gaykat forgot ponies fundamentally aren't humans. They wouldn't descend into fetishistic cannibalism or nihilistically decorating their ugly homes with corpses for the sake of edge. If they had to use corpses for anything, it would be for attracting edible things like bugs and whatever else eats ponies, or mounting heads on sticks for scaring others away. Kkat never questions why the Raiders would have gore in their own homes and shit on their own beds, or why Rarity's home is still identifiable as Rarity's home and only looks like niggers lived in it for a week instead of 200 years, they just do because they're Evil(TM) and Littlepip is Good(TM) and anything between isn't good enough for LP.

Almost every Fallout Vault was an experiment to gather data for the Enclave's planned spacefaring seed ships, or test assorted bullshit like mind control devices. FIM's Stables were supposed to protect ponies, so why were so many retarded experiments from day one? Scootaloo wanted to experiment with various societies from the start because she didn't like present day Equestrian society very much? That's fucking retarded! Isolated communities can change over time and experiment with new ideas without needing to literally be designated experimental stables from day one. But there's gaykat's faulty logic again, assuming things can only be what they're meant to be, and only change if they are forced to by someone with sufficient force, and the use of this force is only justified if it is a designated good guy character.
Anonymous
1c395a7
?
No.356901
356904
057F84CB00BD174602C070A45656E34B-468434.png
>>356898
Again, that ends up being either not Fallout, or already-done-by-Project-Horizons.
If you want to write a crossover with GoT, or a story inspired by it, that is fine, but we're discussing (re)writing Fallout: Equestria rather than "completely different thing". Also, GoT requires more competence to write well than anyone here has.
>Another thing, is the reader supposed to conclude that LP is the greatest bestest murderhobo evar, or is there the chance that a proper protagonist could enlist the assistance of a strike team.
If you want to keep the tone of the story intact, she needs to be combat-capable. And the story still needs to be about her rather than about any other character. Fallout itself does permit having companions do stuff for you, though.
>>356900
>she
Anonymous
9664311
?
No.356904
356909
>>356901
>combat capable
I think it might improve the story if Littlepip sucked at as many things as possible, and needed friends for all of the things she sucks at. Combat should be one of them, sort of. She can have scenes where she overcomes superior foes, but it should be due to ingenuity, not the retardity of her enemies or the bullshit overwhelming power of her guns/telekinesis/invisibility/radioactive regeneration/healing item stash/plot armour. She should need Calamity to teach her how to fire a gun correctly, instead of knowing more about Kkat-logic gun condition than the tard using it right after seeing a gun for the first time. She should be a real underdog, and the protagonist who holds her group together and keeps it focused on its journey, while Velvet is its sappy voice of morality who exists to be wrong when she's arguing with Calamity in Star Trek style debates, and Calamity is the guy who knows the wasteland like the back of his hand and plots the course to the end, but LP and Velvet keep getting the party involved with "sidequest of the week" problems even when there is no "you can't progress past this point without doing the sidequest" shit.

>she
ctrl+f says the only uses of she in that post refer to the artificial and unconvincing shooting-gallery playset of a world Gaykat's cringe self-insert fursona lives in, and Scootaloo choosing to make the retarded choice to turn most of the Stables into experiments nonconsensually.
Gaykat is a retarded tranny.
And if he ever went to the Middle East, K-kat's new name would be K-SPLAT!
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
024310b
?
No.356909
356919 356932 356936
>>356904
>I think it might improve the story if Littlepip sucked at as many things as possible, and needed friends for all of the things she sucks at
Close, but what would really improve her character is if her abilities were simply in line with the character concept that kkat came up with for her. Moreover, the abilities she does have should have reasonable limits imposed.

Most of her life prior to the story's opening was spent training as a PipBuck technician, so her skills should largely be in that area. She should have a working knowledge of her PipBuck, and maybe some basic aptitude for working with similar devices. Her "hacking" ability is reasonable for her to have, since the terminals are probably based on similar technology, but it should have reasonable limits (ie, she shouldn't be able to repair SteelHooves's power armor). Her lockpicking ability is also reasonable since it's established that she spent a fair amount of her free time tinkering with locks and whatnot. However, the idea that she is the only person in the Wasteland to have figured this power out is incredibly stupid, so that should be axed.

As far as combat goes, since it stands to reason she would have to learn to defend herself once she gets out of the Stable, she should pick up some reasonable weapons skills over a reasonable period of time. By "reasonable weapons skills" I mean that she has a basic pistol that she finds somewhere, and she learns how to fire it effectively enough that she can defend herself if she gets in a scrape. Any challenges she has to face solo should be tailored to her skill level.

Her levitation power I still maintain is the stupidest Mary Sue bullshit that kkat grafted onto this stupid Mary Sue character, and I would have absolutely zero complaints about it being axed entirely. I still like the idea of her being a "weak" unicorn who only has the basic levitation ability that all unicorns have, but it should be made into an actual weakness, not the superpower-disguised-as-weakness that it is currently. In other words, she shouldn't be able to levitate anything heavier than what the average person could lift with their hands. If the author of a rewrite were to absolutely, positively insist on giving her a superpowered levitation ability, it should, again, have reasonable limits imposed: weight, range, visibility, etc.

Personally, I still think it would massively improve this story if the focus were shifted off of Littlepip and solving challenges became more of a group effort. Littlepip could still be the protagonist and even narrate it without needing to be the hero in every single scene. As with LP, each character should have talents and abilities in line with their character concepts, with reasonable limits imposed. LP could be the group's technician/thief/lockpicker/hacker what-have-you. Most of the fighting could reasonably be handled by Calamity and SteelHooves since they're obviously more adept at it. Since the author specifically gave SteelHooves the nickname of "Mighty Alicorn Hunter," it stands to reason he should have some particular talent at dealing with the alicorns, thus most of the alicorns the group encounters should be dispatched by SteelHooves. Velvet would mostly be the group's healer. Xenith, as I recall, was supposed to be some kind of ninja or stealth expert, so she would handle anything that required sneaking around unseen.

In-world objects that modify a character's natural abilities artificially, ie StealthBucks, crack mints, etc, imo should be used sparingly if at all.

Doing things this way would not only make the story more plausible and the Littlepip character less of an obnoxious Mary Sue, it would be more in line with the "friendship" theme. Whatever the specifics of the group's adventures turn out to be, LP as the protagonist should learn two main lessons. First that she needs her friends, and second that she has her own important role to play within the group. Littlepip is a weird character in that she simultaneously suffers from unreasonably low self-esteem and unreasonably high self-esteem. A reasonable growth arc for a character like her would be for her to learn that she is not worthless, but she isn't the absolute center of the universe either. Her mission to "fix" the Wasteland doesn't have to culminate in some grand solution that defeats every enemy and solves every problem; it could simply mean discovering that she is a valued member of her group of friends, and that together they make a positive impact on the world, even if the world is still shitty.
Anonymous
9664311
?
No.356919
356927 356936 356964
>>356909
Would it be correct to say her party should have six members because the Mane Six were six ponies, or would that be stupid?
The personalities of LP and friends aren't well-defined and they don't have arcs, they just act however they need to act in one scene, as if the author wrote assorted scenes out of order before figuring out who these characters are and aren't and who they will be by the end of it.
Calamity and Velvet hooked up almost immediately. It didn't feel natural. They were complimenting each other for traits they weren't doing much to display around each other. Surely these two should detest each other for much of the runtime because of their different personalities and worldviews(would kill vs wouldn't, too much idealism to see what's necessary vs too much cynicism to see what other options are on the table besides the most cynical one, etc), before that turns to begrudging respect, before they start deepening their relationship and he's deep-enside her, and then that physical attraction becomes something more meaningful.
But the Mane Six, all these characters contrast with each other in some way. They all have character traits that can be flaws in some situations if the writer wants. They all have something they can disagree with the other characters about without having to be the designated right or designated wrong character.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
024310b
?
No.356927
356932 356936
>>356919
>Would it be correct to say her party should have six members because the Mane Six were six ponies, or would that be stupid?
Depends on where you're going with it. When I was first reading FoE, I had the impression that LP's party would end up being analogues of the M6: each one would be a bearer of an Element, they would activate the Gardens of Equestria, save the world, etc. My guess is kkat was going to take it that direction originally but decided somewhere along the line that people would react to it badly or something, so he decided to have a bunch of random ponies like Derpy and the radio DJ be the element bearers. The whole thing was very badly thought out. But anyway, if you needed there to be six main characters for some plot-specific reason like the Elements of Harmony then yes, you'd want to create a party of six friends. If not, then it wouldn't really matter; you could have as many ponies in your party as you wanted.

>But the Mane Six, all these characters contrast with each other in some way. They all have character traits that can be flaws in some situations if the writer wants. They all have something they can disagree with the other characters about without having to be the designated right or designated wrong character.
The M6 were deliberately created with varied personalities. Each pony is meant to represent a general personality type: there's the smart studious girl, the athletic girl, the bouncy extroverted girl, the fashion-conscious girl, the shy girl who likes animals, and the traditional country girl. The idea is that the personality traits cover a broad enough spectrum that most of the little girls who view the show will be able to relate to one or more of them. It also gives the writers a broad group of personalities to work with so they can tell different kinds of stories, and as you point out, it gives them different flaws and strengths, and differences that can create interesting conflicts. You'll notice that a lot of the early episodes focused on one or two of the main ponies having some kind of conflict or misunderstanding with each other.

Something like FoE doesn't necessarily need the same setup. The characters should have distinct personalities because you don't want to be writing five different versions of the same character, but you don't need to cover as broad a spectrum as FiM did. The main thing is that the characters need to have some dynamics between them. For instance, with the Calamity/Velvet romance, it would be best to establish the two characters as opposites who initially butt heads with each other, but discover common ground along the way. The author seemed to be trying to do this, but he mostly failed. SteelHooves and Xenith needed more distinct personalities as well. SteelHooves probably had the most complex backstory of any of the characters, but he contributed almost nothing to the main story. Xenith was the same, except she had less of a backstory.

For a rewrite of the sort you guys are discussing, it might almost make more sense to eliminate SteelHooves and Xenith altogether and have the primary group be a trio. Having Velvet, who is LP's original crush, end up falling for Calamity, who is LP's best friend (apparently), gives you a natural dynamic to work with. There isn't really any dynamic with the other two characters; they're just dead weight. As I recall, kkat tried to make something out of Xenith being a zebra and SteelHooves not trusting zebras because of the whole thing where he killed Zecora while proposing to Applejack (at least I think that's what happened), but again, it was badly handled. At any rate, this angle should either be developed more fully, or the extra characters should be dropped.
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.356932
>>356832
>Can I really trust the audience to understand the barbarians are the bad guys, and understand the aristocrats are evil for importing them and using them against whites, and understand the king is a faggoted cuck traitor for working with the aristocrats to preserve his power and position at the expense of his people and responsibilities to his people?
If you are a decent enough writer that should be very apparent on its own. You don't need a "designated bad guys" label to accomplish this. If some members of the audience are too stupid to understand, why do you consider it worthwhile to try to convince them at all?

>>356909
>>356927
Well said.
Anonymous
1c395a7
?
No.356936
356939 356960
>>356909
>In-world objects that modify a character's natural abilities artificially, ie StealthBucks, crack mints, etc, imo should be used sparingly if at all.
On the contrary: crack mint addiction could be a legitimate arc with parallels to Pinkie's experiences before her death. The difference that is needed is, as you've pointed out repeatedly, the addiction needs to be both established and consistent instead of being flicked on and off.
In fact, it can be tied right into her backstory and abilities: apprentice of a lazy hack pipbuck technician, the guy brews chems in his spare time, she snuck one and got addicted, and learned how to break locks as well as caught kleptomania to get more drugs while addicted. Stable security eventually found out, disciplined the guy and submitted LP to medical for addiction treatment, but owing to absence of Twilights-who-really-wanted-to-help-her-friend-and-researched-addiction-fixing-spells in the Stable, it was insufficient and while she's not actively crippled, she still gets cravings and thus cracks and crumbles once the drugs are available to her again.
>>356919
>>356927
Having the group have six ponies and them being the M6 equivalent is not fitting thematically for the fic as-is, and I also think it would be too boring, obvious, and "overused". Having her not be a Bearer and her quest not be about anything M6-related would be better. Her finding the Bearers should be tangential to the story rather than the focus.
>SteelHooves probably had the most complex backstory of any of the characters, but he contributed almost nothing to the main story.
ft. "you fell off the truck and we completely forgot about you until LP needed an infodump"
Removing Steelhooves would also allow eliminating the fucking Steel Rangers nonsense events, but personally I'm in favor of keeping him and making him a larger presence in the story. Especially if Velvet is remade into a historian - it then sets up direct interaction/conflict between her and the guy who literally lived through those events, moreso if he initially appears like a regular Ranger, and they only figure out he's Applesnack after a bunch of exploration and/or having him not fucking die when he should be dead.
Also, move the "his armor is fucked so he can't move and others need to find help" episode waaaay further in his timeline. Gaykat literally tried to do that too, what with him ending up paralyzed again in Canterlot arc. It's just retarded, has absolutely fucked video game time, and makes others appear retarded too for failing to figure out that normal ponies would be dead very quickly from what he withstood.
Anonymous
9664311
?
No.356937
356968
When I designed the protagonist's sister I was proud of how she turned out. This is a child, this is the future, this is life that he's protecting, this is his last family member.

I thought about it, and maybe the hero should have one more family member. An elderly one the heroes must take care of. The hero's parents were killed peacefully protesting against the regime's war on the poor because peace was never an option, but their parents survived war.

From this first hand source of information the hero and his sister (they will both become heroes) can learn about what really happened in the past, from someone who was there. Someone who survived all of it.

The obnoxious boomers can be the parents of one of the hero's friends who joins his army later, so we have more sympathy for that character.

That's another thing Fallout Equestria fucked up, too. LP's life pre wasteland and her family is boring and uninteresting. Not used to explore who she is and isnt or influence her life choices in interesting ways.
Anonymous
9664311
?
No.356939
356960
>>356936
If the crack mint addiction is going to give her parallels with Pinkie, she should beat crack mint addiction because she had something Pinkie didn't, or learned something Pinkie didn't in time, right?
At least if this fic wants all that talking about the past to mean something to the ponies of the present and what they can learn from it.
This fic insisted on splitting up the mane six and writing them all as stupid irrational people with no idea what they're doing and no experts or assistants able to guide them, for some reason. Probably so it would be easier to degrade and humiliate and hurt them before eventually killing them for the sake of cruel torture porn and maudlin sympathy porn.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
024310b
?
No.356960
356968
>>356936
>On the contrary: crack mint addiction could be a legitimate arc with parallels to Pinkie's experiences before her death.
As far as addiction as a story arc goes, sure. I was talking more about the mints being used as a stat booster at convenient moments so the author can have his protagonist outsmart characters without having to explain how she outsmarted them. I also like having her pick up the habit from her PipBuck technician mentor; that hadn't occurred to me but it's a great idea.

Something else I think would have helped FoE would be to skip forward in time a bit once the first couple of chapters are finished instead of trying to cram the entire story into a period of a few weeks. Let's say that the first chapter or so is about LP in the stable, then Velvet tricks her and escapes, and she chases after Velvet and all of that. As soon as she's outside she gets a cold splash of reality when she's abducted by slavers. She escapes more or less by accident when the slavers get slaughtered by a raider party. The initial encounter with Monterrey Jack I'd probably leave in there, though I would leave out all that autism about her counting the bullets in the shotguns; she should be basically helpless at this point in the story. Meanwhile, Velvet is having a rough time of it as well. She has a similar rude awakening when she gets captured by raiders or slavers or whatever they were and coerced into working for them, as described in >>356897

After these events time skips forward and we rejoin LP maybe two or three years later. She's had enough time to get used to the rough life in the wasteland, so she could probably have built up a reasonable set of skills. Again, the key word here is reasonable; she probably has some basic firearms knowledge but she isn't Rambo the Pony by any means. I would probably have her living and working in New Appleoosa, probably in some area where her technical skills would be useful. Maybe she works in a repair shop or something. At this point she's a much more jaded and worldly version of herself, particularly since she escaped from the stable only to end up in an even shittier version of the life she tried to escape. She's forgotten all about Velvet by now. She knows Calamity since they live in the same town, but she isn't especially close to him. Also, her crack mint addiction is worse now, since she has greater access to them (and probably knows how to cook them herself by now), as well as more reasons to do drugs in the first place.

Blah blah blah they hear about some slavers that took over the nearby town of Old Appleoosa, or maybe Old Appleoosa was in ruins and the slavers just set up shop there. The town figures they should do something about it before they get overrun. Somehow, LP ends up overhearing that there is a skilled healer working there, who is also reputed to have a beautiful singing voice. Blah blah blah she figures out it's her long-lost crush Velvet, and because of this she volunteers to join the expedition that's going over there to investigate it. Calamity is leading the force and doesn't want her along, but she goes anyway.

Alternatively, Old Appleoosa could exist the way it does in the original story, as an established slaver town that has a prior relationship with New Appleoosa. LP bullshits her way into one of the trading caravans going up there, which is being led by Calamity, with the hidden agenda of trying to find Velvet and help her escape.

Either way, there's a major fracas (possibly even a ruckus). Calamity and LP end up escaping with Velvet; the rest of their party they are either separated from, or they are killed. Once they escape, they are unable to return to New Appleoosa, either because they fucked up the town's relationship with the slavers, or because the battle went south and the slavers are now heading out there to slaughter everyone in NA, depending on how it was set up. At this point, LP, Calamity and Velvet decide to team up because none of them have anywhere else to go.

That's probably how I'd handle the early part of the story.

>Having her not be a Bearer and her quest not be about anything M6-related would be better. Her finding the Bearers should be tangential to the story rather than the focus.
This would be my preference as well.

>>356939
>If the crack mint addiction is going to give her parallels with Pinkie, she should beat crack mint addiction because she had something Pinkie didn't, or learned something Pinkie didn't in time, right?
The direction the author was trying (read: TRYING) to take it was actually decent; the problem was his piss-poor execution. Basically the idea was to have LP learn about how Pinkie's life and friendships deteriorated due to her crack mint problem, which would then influence LP to kick the habit herself so she doesn't lose her own friends. The main problems here were that kkat didn't really build her addiction arc properly, and that he wasted so much page space on random autism that he forgot to build any serious friendships between his characters; ultimately, none of it felt genuine.

If LP's mint problem is established early on, ie she picked up the habit from her PipBuck mentor and it got worse during the 2-3 years she was out in the Wasteland, and we see her struggle with it in real time as the story progresses, then it's a genuine part of her character arc and not just some bullshit the author tacked on to force sympathy for her. If the characters actually build real relationships with each other instead of just being unceremoniously dumped together and declared to be friends by the author, then friendship would mean something; if LP's drug use causes actual strain on those friendships then it's a real problem. At that point, witnessing Pinkie's similar drug use via memory orbs or whatever would be more meaningful, and could ultimately prompt LP to change herself before she ends up destroying herself and alienating all of her friends like Pinkie did.
Anonymous
06638ab
?
No.356964
356965
>>356919
>her party should have six members because the Mane Six were six ponies
I would suggest yes, her party should be mane 6 analogues, however there should also be significant ponies to operate as analogues to Celestia and Luna who could be either/and/or inside the party but leaving at interval, or outside the party and performing a significant task/role in their own right; the leader(s) of outside/allied/enemy(?) factions perhaps.
Anonymous
9664311
?
No.356965
>>356964
Would a good chapter of the Brotherhood Of Steel be the best place for a Celestia ripoff?
F3 is a basic bitch good vs evil story where the protagonist leaves his Stable because his dad did, and his dad went on a quest to magically remove the radiation from all water sources in DC, which is a radioactive desert after 200 years because the creators didn't understand why the Mad Max and Wasteland and Retrofuture and Duck And Cover and GURPS inspired Fallout 1 took place 60 years after the nukes fell. The villains are cartoon fascists who "hate everyone who isnt pure like them and they call them mutants and want to kill them" because the libcuck creators of Fallout 2 AND Fallout 3 can't critically think about fascism. The creators of Fallout 2 would try a bit harder in FNV with the Enclave Remnants and Caesar's Legion. But in F3 the Enclave's goal is to kill everyone by using the magic machine to infect all the water with a virus that kills irradiated people or something. The point is if they win everyone dies, because in a game with a good ending and bad ending, they didn't want anyone to have any kind of reason to ever pick the bad options. The Brotherhood Of Steel in F3 are really just wannabe Power Rangers in slightly enchanted -+2ish STR plate mail. No ideological foundation. Just "we decided helping people is good and hoarding their tech is wrong". Retards call the BOS "technofascist" because anything they don't like is fascist unless it's democratic, then it's "just corrupt" if they don't like it.

Making the BOS into a cult obsessed with trying to emulate the Mane Six and worshipping Celestia (and maybe Luna?) and helping Spike protect the Gardens Of Equestria would give the group something to do and an interesting gimmick. That stupid fucking wannabe Pinkie character could be reworked into a character who's hurting herself trying to smile and laugh through the tears for the sake of her friends. The wannabe Pinkie character in a cult all about trying to be like the Mane Six in the hopes of triggering the Gardens Of Equestria would be a more interesting window into that cult's pros and cons than a boring walking suit of armour like Steel Hooves. What a lazy name. And a fitting one. Fits better than Applesnack. "Har har har his name is similar to his wife's" isn't funny. It's just another piece of laziness in a story devoid of originality.
Anonymous
1c395a7
?
No.356968
356969 356970
2585184.png
>>356960
>the mints being used as a stat booster so that gaykat can skip over having to write convincing arguments
Yeah, that's stupid and part of "video game logic" that should be removed, same as the fucking charisma dress.
>skip forward in time a bit after first chapters
Well yeah, that's one of the things I mean by getting rid of vidya time.
It also lets you put all those sidequests and other inane bloat into a set of side-stories, letting you have the worldbuilding/vidya autism cake and eat it too.
>She's forgotten all about Velvet by now.
It's a valid option, but I personally wouldn't do this. She's (intended to be) too important for Littlepip to just forget about.
I'd make it that she doesn't forget, but moreso is too busy surviving/being a fucking addict to go out and search for her, until she doesn't pay Velvet any mind.
>could exist the way it does in the original story
Opens up too many plotholes if the characters are kept roughly as-is. Calamity is unlikely to work with slaver-friends, and Littlepip would be too morally plot-pounded about them. It could be set up as LP being in debt to NA that she's working off (and having trouble doing so because she's a junkie and keeps getting more debt), but that undermines her being exiled.
>LP ends up overhearing that there is a skilled healer working there
Can also be put as "she fails to rescue Velvet before the timeskip due to overconfidence and lack of experience, but manages to avoid becoming enslaved or killed herself, and in the process overhears a dialogue to the point of "slaver group X is the most likely to buy her", and group X is the one that takes over", to keep the theme of autistically making connections/remembering minor details from way before of the original.
>or because the battle went south and the slavers are now heading out there to slaughter everyone in NA
I'd make it so slavers make it their next target, but don't go there immediately because they're busy/drained of forces after the fight, and then get hijacked by Red Eye and can't do it anymore. It lets NA still exist and be on roughly the "good" side of the divide by the time of Enclave making their move, thus making their attack meaningful to the heroes and something to prevent (instead of original's >derpy and literally who filly are there and must be saved !!11!oneone).
>because none of them have anywhere else to go
Or Velvet manages to talk Calamity into teaming up despite him having somewhere to go (he's a pegasus who can easily move, and has a long history of surviving in the Wasteland = knows lots of ponies), which lets you foreshadow both their future relationship and Velvet's ability to sweet-talk/manipulate ponies.
>At that point, witnessing Pinkie's similar drug use via memory orbs or whatever would be more meaningful, and could ultimately prompt LP to change herself before she ends up destroying herself and alienating all of her friends like Pinkie did.
It also allows showing the difference between junkie-klepto LP and actually-respectful-to-the-dead, kicked-the-addiction LP instead of her looting Pinkie's skeleton one moment, burning Luna's bones out of "respect" the next, and then immediately after. doing a 540 and stealing Luna's statuettes. Imagine her chewing out the Steel Rangers for failing to bury Apple Bloom's remains.
Said looting should be kept, it can be made pretty symbolic of how similar Pinkie and LP are at that point.

I think statuettes should be kept too, they're a neat idea. Just instead of vidya "bonuses to unmentioned stats so kkunt can bullshit her succeeding at everything" they should be a subtle assistance like how kkat actually tried to do eventually, influencing LP's perceptions and decisions. They shouldn't be decisive, though, or it undermines her actual friendships, but more stuff like "she figures out an option is available that she wouldn't think about without the quiet voices of the Elements helping her along".
Also, speaking of plot holes. Why is LP aware of M6, Celestia, and Luna, but not aware of the Ministries and other things? Those are large enough that either knowledge about them was still preserved in the Stable, or M6 faded into myth entirely too and her knowledge about them is either missing or wildly inaccurate.
>>356937
>LP's life pre wasteland and her family is boring and uninteresting.
It's not just boring, it's handwaved away and then pulled back to the front with "SEE SEE HER MOTHER DOESN'T CARE FEEL EMOTIONS NOW" despite the reader caring about as much about LP's family and the stable as much as her "drunkard" mother cares about LP, because kkat failed to establish them.
Anonymous
1c395a7
?
No.356969
>>356968
P.S. Also, I think Velvet should be bitter at Littlepip for bogus reasons (because she's manipulative and immature) after she gets saved post-timeskip, but eventually have character growth and actually apologize for exploiting LP and getting her into all this mess in the first place.

Also, the fucking retarded bit about Velvet being an idiot and reciting Fluttershy's speech inside a bunch of poison gas can actually be kept if it's made to be a side effect of her own memory orb addiction; "watch memory orbs too much and you might end up compelled to repeat their events in reality against your will". Requires foreshadowing by having that happen before, preferably to LP so that Velvet's orb-addiction matters more than a literal footnote. While it's a bit redundant with having a literal normal drug addiction, it can serve as a "Velvet helped LP kick the habit, but then developed and was hiding an addiction of her own, with LP not realizing how serious it has gotten until this happens, and then LP using her own experiences to to help her back".
Anonymous
9664311
?
No.356970
>>356968
Would I be correct to say Fallout Equestria should have had a chapter or half a chapter dedicated to Littlepip's daily life before shit hits the fan and home must be left for good?
That could be the chance to establish who LP is before the wasteland, who her mother is, what her relationships are like, what skills she does and does not have, how she saves some lost pony and is beloved by the Stable, but this is quickly forgotten and she is hated by her Stable for being a small faggot with an embarassing mom, or... something. Christ did Kkunt plan any of this out?
Anonymous
9664311
?
No.356985
>be good man
>girl you saved takes you shopping
>expect her to just take you along to carry her shit
>to your surprise she wants to spend money on you and buy clothes for you
"This is too much, you don't have to-"
>her friend is also there
"Just say yes already, you're boring me" friend says
>feel guilty and ask if she can buy your family warm clothes instead because they need them more
Girl calls this adorable
"Jesus fucking christ" girl's friend rolls her eyes
>girl says she'll buy them clothes if she can make you wear something that isn't black pants and a black shirt for once
Man: I like black, it goes with everything.
They stare.
Man: "fine. As long as it's not something gay like a maid outfit, I'll wear it."
Both girls laugh
>puts different mens clothes on you
>hilariousshoppingmontage.midi
>eventually gets you an outfit that is good enough but not too expensive looking
>finally wearing a colourful outfit now to symbolize how he's happier now than he was when he was wearing black

Is this scene a good idea? It's inspired by a shopping trip I was taken on once but I didn't save that person's life in a literal sense. The "can you get my family clothes instead?" bit seems like something the hero would say. He's a pure soul in this draft, innocent and kind, but at the story's start he doesn't know everything. He has to learn stuff over time from others. He has to learn that he has value. He has to make mistakes and grow from them. He has to learn to stand up for himself and others. He can't do everything all by himself. He never "goes too far and needs to be pulled back into the light" because it's love for those he can save that motivates him moreso than hatred for those who need to be destroyed. There is no "edgy arc" moment where he yells "KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM!". His arc is his growth from good boy to good man. There is no darkness within him.
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.357010
357013 357069
I've seen people in different communities praise fimfiction.net as the very best of fanfiction hosting sites. They cite good layout, good old story recommendations balanced with new stories, moderation being comparatively much better than fanfiction.net, and an excellent tagging system far superior to AO3.

What would you say are the strongpoints of Fimfiction and what are its weakpoints? It's closed source but do you think the owner would willingly give the code to someone who wants to set up a similar site for a different community?
Anonymous
e193405
?
No.357013
357017
>>357010
Archive Of Our Own, and countless other Booru sites, allow people to tag stories with whatever the hell they want. Some sites even let you tag the stories of other people with whatever the hell you want, but ban obvious tag abuse. Derpibooru is controlled by incompetent homosexual communists so the rules about "harassment" don't apply to cunts fucking with the tags on an artist's work to harass them, but do somehow apply to an artist telling those cunts to fuck off. Some boorus insist everyone use particular tagging standards, particular turns of phrase for commonly used tags, maybe a "tag what you see, not what you know" rule. Fimfiction has a ridiculously anal tagging system. Not only are you limited on how many tags you can use, some tags have bullshit limits even though it's possible to make stories that break these limits.

Your only hope of finding stories you want to read is to use the Search function and manually scroll through countless stories that use a key word you're after, or rely on others to do this for you and hopefully add these stories to Group folders. You can either sort through stories by how new they are, or by how many other users on a site mostly full of retards liked or disliked the story.

This system is great for perverts who can type the name of their fetish and wank to anything, and terrible for people after specific story concepts Fimfiction doesn't have tags for. It's great for trend-hopping retards who will crank out another story in a "Verse" with an easily-searched title and a group dedicated to it, and it's great for retards who want to see these formulaic minor variations on a cliche idea for a "verse", and it's terrible for anyone after unique interesting literature. The world may never know how many writers on this site went ignored and gave up on writing, or gave up on writing after dealing with abuse or subsequent incompetent site moderation.

There are no rules on Fimfiction. There are no rules the moderators follow when deciding to enforce their will upon the site. Meta fics (fics about fimfiction and its users) are supposedly not allowed, except they are, unless staff don't like them. Making a group for the explicitly stated purpose of harassing authors and mocking stories with bad reddit scores is allowed, unless the staff don't like your group politically. Staff are fine with child harassment, teen harassment, adult writer harassment, but they do what they can to censor users and maintain a stranglehold on the majority to create the illusion that their views are the norm. You will never hear worse writing advice on this site chanted like it's gospel. When it comes to group moderation, it's a two-headed coin flip whether the staff will side with the user being attacked and ganged up on for making something the group didn't like, or claim the victim's out of line for responding (insert adjective here) and side with the entitled abusers mad that a child or teenager or adult who writes like a teenager is writing what he wants to write for his own fun and not to suit specific subjective niche tastes abusers narcissistically treat like inherent objective measurements of quality. You'll struggle to find stupider people anywhere else on the internet. Fimfiction is where intellectual writing critique goes to light itself aflame and commit seppuku in front of a laughing jeering crowd of genuine retards who think Past Sins and Fallout Equestria are what all good fanfictions should strive to be. The analysts are on youtube, not on fimfiction.net. Well, they were on youtube. I wonder how many of them moved on over the years, and how many are still trying to convince dwindling youtube audiences to see "the blue curtains represent existential nihilism" in the pastel pony girl's house with blue curtains.

I'm convinced this is the reason why so many artists on that site are obscure and ignored (unless a hate group targets them and becomes their problem), and so many are overhyped and lavished with undue praise for getting about 100 followers or more and creating a hugbox of around 10 circlejerkers for writing mediocre practically-masturbatory or literally-masturbatory fandom-fanservicey shite. It's hard to get a following on that site, or to even get your work read at all, without the cooperation of the Featured Box (Which does not use an algorithm, and is literally used to advertise whatever stories site staff like, and if you criticize this they'll use the excuse that algorithms are easily gamed once their rules are figured out) or large Groups.

There are groups on the site for stories of a specific length. Groups that will only take in stories under 5k words, or over 50k words, or over 100k words, or over 1 million words. Writers are encouraged to needlessly bloat the shit they write in order to get their stories into these groups in the hopes that some dipshit in these groups will look at these stories and give them a chance. The site is dogshit. Filled with retards obsessed with their own ego, and the undue feelings of importance granted to them by a site that seemed fucking designed to treat the only life form lower than discord moderators, fimfiction group moderators, as though they're somehow more important than any writer alive.

Archive Of Our Own is a better site for fanfiction, or it was back when I used it. Are the staff censorious libtards now?
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.357017
357022
FluttershyTwilightReading.png
>>357013
Pretty interesting points, but you rambled on way too much. It's possible to give the gist of your argument, and all important points, in only half the length.

Speaking of, where is that link to the other person's review of Fallout Equestria? It's very inconvenient to search through these threads.
Anonymous
6daad32
?
No.357022
357023
>>357017
The google document reviewing Fallout Equestria?
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.357023
357069
>>357022
yes
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
024310b
?
No.357069
357114
2635494.jpg
>>357023
Here you go:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ywwzsBKN9cNvxTmfzEfON_qVVqr0FR4t2v4Za_nHo4w/edit

>>357010
I haven't used it as extensively as some people here, but I actually don't have any huge complaints about it so far.

If you're looking for a specific story their search engine isn't great; I've actually found it's easier to just google "fimfiction" + story title. As far as finding something general or how the site recommends stories, I guess it depends on how specific your needs are. As Nigel pointed out, a certain kind of user might benefit more from a booru-style tagging system that allows for a greater number of more specific tags to help users narrow down what they're searching for. I honestly don't read a ton of this stuff, so I'm generally okay just clicking around and skimming summaries until I find something that sounds interesting. However, I can see how someone looking for something hyper-specific might get frustrated with the way the site is organized.

As far as publishing stories, my experience thus far has been more or less positive. I've only published a couple of things and they've managed to get a couple of hundred views each and a few comments, without my really doing anything to boost them beyond submitting them to a couple of groups. A lot of times these sites can be like youtube or something, where you have to work and build up a social following if you want anyone to notice you at all. One thing I rather like about fimfiction is that everything that gets published or updated is just listed on the front page in the order it was posted, so just about anything is guaranteed at least some degree of visibility. Apart from the feature box, there don't seem to be any algorithms that boost or suppress certain content, which I like. "Mature" stories are hidden by default I think, but you can turn that off.

I haven't run afoul of any of the moderators so far. The rules seem reasonable, and stories get approved quickly. Your mileage may vary I guess.

As far as the community itself goes...it's an online community dedicated to My Little Pony fanfiction, so it is what it is. People who write fanfiction are usually not great writers, and unfortunately many of the people who read it seem to be borderline illiterate so...it is what it is. Stories that have no business being popular can end up being very popular, and there's probably a lot of high-quality stuff that's gotten buried; that's just how it goes sometimes. I've decided to stop reading people's comments on stories I dislike; it's just too depressing sometimes.

>do you think the owner would willingly give the code to someone who wants to set up a similar site for a different community?
I have no idea, but if I had to guess I'd say probably not. According to the FAQ there's an API in development, but that doesn't really help someone trying to build their own site from scratch. It seems like this would be the guy to ask:
https://www.fimfiction.net/user/11771/Xaquseg
Anonymous
e193405
?
No.357082
357097
Posting some free books and writing shit if anyone wants them.
https://archive.is/gjaxO
https://archive.vn/nUHAC
https://www.theotherpages.org/poems/books/tennyson/tennyson08.html
https://collections.ushmm.org/search/catalog/irn537029
https://archive.org/details/pulpmagazinearchive

Been reading more pulp stories from before writing got jewed. It's like reading books from another planet.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
024310b
?
No.357097
357098
>>357082
Pulp magazines contained some of the best literature America ever produced. If you like these sorts of stories, you might want to check out Raymond Chandler's novels. The Long Goodbye, The Little Sister and The Lady in the Lake are my personal favorites. Dashiell Hammett is good too.
Anonymous
e193405
?
No.357098
>>357097
Thanks! Speaking of writing...

>>everyone

I wrote a fairly basic story for something, but a choice I made early on... I think it left the character with too much baggage to be her own person.

>be villain
>create artificial life form
>fill her head with 20 years of artificial memories and propaganda
>send her after the hero and tell her the hero is evil and must die for the good of the world
>they fight, collateral damage from their fight threatens innocents, they stop their fight to save lives and go "wait wtf you're a good guy too?"
>villain says "drat, foiled again"
>she turns good and kicks the villain's ass after 7 awesome levels of videogame action

I know it's basic. I'm not aiming for complicated. But I think that choice to make the villain basically raise her for 20 years from her perspective made her connection to him too strong to make her choice to betray him believable. If she just loses those fake memories or writes them all off as fake and feels nothing from them, that feels cheap. But if she's going somewhere with this idea, struggles with these feelings, that's inappropriate for the intended tone. I'm trying to make this less introspective, a previous draft was too long-winded, air pun unintended. Perhaps it is better if there are no fake memories. Perhaps she's not born due to him, just saved due to him, she's just given cybernetic enhancements and she's told to kill, she fights, she realizes she's a baddie and changes sides, and the baddie says "Well... That wasn't supposed to 'appen". No reason to ever call the villain dad in that case.
Anonymous
bdc6772
?
No.357114
160705.jpg
>>357069
>pic
Anonymous
e193405
?
No.357116
Taken as a literal story this isn't much of a story. Things were bad until humans made the thing that made things good and there was loss along the way.

But it's intended to be a metaphor for global warming. The dragon is "global warming that kills gorillions" and anyone in the way of that is "helping the global warming dragon eat people". It's not really original. It even rips off The Emperor Has No Clothes by making a kid the first one to speak up about the bullshit.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=cZYNADOHhVY

What can be learned from this writing?
Anonymous
7bbcc57
?
No.357160
357161 357164
2759259.png
Btw, GG, I won't be able to write anything to our project before jan 21. So you don't have to stress out something now or anything, just an fyi.
Anonymous
7bbcc57
?
No.357161
357164
>>357160
>pic
just a ranom pone
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
024310b
?
No.357164
1671932950964447.png
>>357160
>>357161
Good to know, I won't stress out then. to be perfectly honest I haven't gotten anything done on the next chapter yet, so that works out. I am going to try and write some this week.
Anonymous
e193405
?
No.357176
How do I write a man to be sexy? I have no idea.
Anonymous
e193405
?
No.357179
Also thanks for not being faggots. This is a good place for writing talk.

I asked "What Fire Emblem 3 Houses characters feel like they're in the wrong house?" On a FE site thinking "they're familiar with the story, they'll have smart answers" but they chimped out because they thought I was daring to criticize their shit.

Edelgard's story is about shit that only matters to less than half of her squad, and a few characters who aren't in her squad but should be.

Edelgard's story is about opposing the evil alien dragon's world-controlling Church, Nobility, secret underground jewish dubstep mole people with ICBMs and a proxy war on the church, Hereditary magic supergenes and the eugenics obsessed caste society that resulted from this. That's way less important in the stories of the other houses so any character defined by any of this is in the wrong story and wrong house unless they're with Edelgard.

Edelgard saw her family die, they were test subjects for experiments to give her a second Crest. Dorothea is the only commoner in the class and life sucked for her because she was poor but then she became beautiful and she's terrified she may one day lose this and have to go back to poverty. Bernadetta was abused by her father to make her a better more submissive wife but it just made her a paranoid shut-in prone to spaghetti spewing panic attacks. Caspar was denied his rightful inheritance due to lacking a crest but he doesn't let that get him down and calls Edelgard a faggot when she tries using a conversation with him as a chance to solioquize about her hatred of Crests. And the others... are there. Massive missed opportunity to explore sociopolitical conflicts through these characters. Hubert was Edelgard's simp ever since he was six, this ruthless cold schemer tries hard to seem edgy but is good hearted. Ferdinand is a good hardworking noble guy who fancies himself Edelgard's rival but she's got better shit to do. Linhardt's a lazy nerd who likes sleeping and researching crests but he has no personal stake in the subject unlike based Hanneman. Petra's a foreigner who is not having the good grasp on speaking goodly.

Meanwhile Sylvain of the Blue Lions is a flirt who takes what he wants from hoes and dumps them when he gets bored or they ask for something he doesn't want to give. He has zero respect for hoes because he's used to them being status-seeking moneygrubbing whores who only see him for his Crest and what it can do for their bloodline. And in the early chapter dedicated to "crests bad, nobility bad" it's Miklan, Sylvain's older brother, who became the leader of a band of thieves after being disowned for lacking the Crest Sylvain had. Miklan robs a tomb to get a Holy Weapon only the Crested can wield, is transformed into a monster for lacking a Crest and dies. Sylvain keeps the lance.

Lysithea of the Golden Deer is fucking dying because of the immense power of having two Crests forced into her. Whoever told me to give Silver Star a terminal case of dying, you're a motherfucking genius. It's intensely tragic. This little girl is trying so fucking hard to be a big girl and be seen as a big girl. She wants to leave her parents enough money to live comfortably before she dies. She doesn't want to feel like a burden. That's so fucking beautiful and sad! And if the player doesn't know to recruit her she blames the Adrestian Empire instead of the jews controlling its Emperor.

These characters are defined by shit that doesn't matter at all to Dimitri's gay quest or Claude's "oh shit we writers shoehorned Claude in at the last minute because Three Houses sounds more marketable than Two Houses and we forgot to make him matter to Dimitri and Edelgard's war. Better give him a different storyline entirely about killing the underground jews and their bonesword-bearing baritone bara boss since the other storylines are too long to spend any time addressing the underground jewish problem" mess of a story.

This whole story is a gay mess. Ambitious with dark mature themes but fumbled execution in a lot of places. Maybe route splitting early on was a mistake, clearly they didnt have the time or money to flesh out all four fucking routes plus a fifth from DLC.

How could the Black Eagles be improved, if the goal was to give each character a personal stake in seeing the underground jews killed and their medieval setting reformed for the better no matter the cost?
Anonymous
e193405
?
No.357205
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyz9elad6NY

Ha ha ha! Good shit! Writer comedy.
Anonymous
e193405
?
No.357226
Christ I've gone so far up my own ass with this writing shit I could call my large intestine the director and my sphincter the co-writer, with special thanks to the protein cookie and berry smoothie I ate for breakfast.

"I want to save the white race by making a turn based strategy game about burning and zapping and drowning Orcs and slashing them to pieces with giant swords and blowing them up with pipe bombs and magic plants. How do I make the writing subtly, and with plausible deniability, introduce basic unpozzed logical western thought to those who have never heard a nazi speak in their lives outside of jewish fiction and explain the obvious falsehood of the holohoax to horny chuunibitch weeaboos so desperate for masculine western media and male role models they latched onto blue haired ladyboys in tights surrounded by fat anime tits for seeming like high status men worth emulating and imitating?"

I'm a rookie writer.

And I'm trying to do something that has never been done before, probably.

There is no book on how to write based pony fanfiction or based medieval era fanfiction or based fantasy novels that can stand on their own as something unique while also redpilling viewers.

Every analysis video I can find for any piece of fiction that was ever good and popular was written with a leftist slant to some degree.

Can't watch a video praising Avatar's handling of the Big Bad Evil Guy or Magic System without some faggot calling the Fire Empire "nationalist" for being forced to fight and die for the Fire Lord's ambitions. Oh sorry, Fire Nation. They should have called it Fire Empire.

Brandon Sanderson seems like a smart guy but he did not write a video series explaining the basics of turning horny anime lovers who want to ride centaur hoes and warm snake whores from the inside and play esoteric digital board games into nazis who understand why it is morally wrong to flood white nations with third world sewage and oppress anyone who doesn't notice almost as hard as you oppress anyone who does.

Whenever the topic of politics in fantasy comes up in multi hour youtube analyseses the guy either says obvious advice like "Dont be bad. Dont be obvious. Dont be annoying" or retarded alien jewish advice like "to ensure the readers dont think the evil organization is cool and worth idolizing despite how much evil shit it does to kittens, puppies, blind crippled orphans, and the heroes, make sure that it is a mean rude anti individuality organization that treats its evil underlings like shit and doesnt let people express themselves because that is truly the highest evil".

I have absolutely no fuckmothering idea what I am doing. I need to scale my ambitions down and make something quick and small so I can learn from feedback instead of trying to make my first work the magnum opus of my career.
Anonymous
024310b
?
No.357299
357300 357358
6e2318221894c6f191c4f0e0ec4d1c6a.png
Dumping this autism I wrote for a request in another thread, because it doesn't really fit the topic of that thread but would probably be fine here since this is just a general writing thread. Fair warning, this is going to be a lot of autism, and it is mostly just being sharted out on the fly with little to no editing. If anyone wants me to stop just say so, I can move it to ponepaste or hackmd.

Anyway, for context, here is the anon's original prompt:

>>357169 →
>A (multi)crossover:mlp:fim+sign(1and2)+zootopia+Beastars+Seton Academy: Join the Pack!.,
>(Maybe some: Pokemon,Avengers, Harry Potter, Power Rangers,MiB,Monsterverse,Rick & Morty, Monster Hunter, Jurassic Park, ThunderCats,etc.)
>Genres: noir, comedy, steampunk, teslapunk, magicpunk, etc., AU

And now, without further ado, I give you:

Twilight Sparkle's Magical Crossover Adventure

Chapter 1:

Twilight Sparkle stared silently at the black casket in the center of the room, piled high with flowers. The mourners around her were all sobbing openly, but Twilight could only stare. She had no more tears left to shed.

The lid of the casket was closed. It wasn't hard to imagine why. To their credit, the Canterlot Police had hired the best in the business to see to it that the body was handled cleanly and respectfully. But even the best in the business could only do so much.

Next to the casket was a photograph of a blue hedgehog in police dress, which she imagined bore little resemblance to whatever was left of him inside that box. He was smiling so brightly in that photo. He looked so full of life. But even that image didn't do him justice. Her partner had been one of the best cops she'd ever known.

Twilight looked at the casket again and shook her head. Poor Sonic. He was so fast, but he wasn't fast enough to outrun that train.

The eulogy was suddenly broken by a loud, anguished wail from the front of the congregation. It came from the widow of the deceased, a pink hedgehog named Amy Rose. As ever, it was painful to watch.

"Well," said PewDiePie, once Amy had quieted down. "That's it for my eulogy. Don't forget to like and subscribe. If the family and friends of the deceased would like to accompany us to the graveside for the interment you're all welcome to do so, otherwise there are refreshments in the hall."

Twilight watched as the casket was wheeled out of the room, trailed by a howling Amy and a somber procession of Sonic's closest friends and relatives. She didn't want to attend the graveside ceremony. She didn't think she could handle that scene. This was enough. She'd paid her respects.

She trotted out into the hall, where a table laden with snacks had been set up. She helped herself to a doughnut and some coffee.

"Pretty sad funeral, eh Sparkle?"

She recognized that shrill, harsh voice.

"All funerals are sad," said Twilight simply. She turned around to see Rainbow Dash's fat ass scowling at her.

"Hitler's funeral wasn't sad," she scoffed.

"How would you know?" replied Twilight. "Were you there?"

"Of course not!"

"Then I guess you wouldn't know if it was sad."

"Oh, come on, Sparkle! He was literally Hitler!"

"So? Just because he was Hitler, that means no one was sad when he died?"

Twilight's voice was hollow. Ordinarily she wouldn't let a two-bit has-been cop like Dash get to her, but today grief had made her numb.

Rainbow Dash just grinned, and not in a nice way. Dash was a butch lesbian, and was attending the funeral with her wife Gardevoir, who was trans. Dash had been all muscle once, but a couple of years of desk work had turned her soft and pudgy.

"Your partners have a way of dying on you, don't they Sparkle?" said Dash, changing the subject. "This is...what is this? Your fourth? Fifth? Funny coincidence, all those bodies that keep piling up around you. Ponies around the precinct are saying you're bad luck to work with. Is that all it is, Sparkle? Bad luck?"

Twilight said nothing. She refused to let this tubby-ass pegasus mare bait her. When she saw that her taunts weren't working, Dash rudely shoved her out of the way so she could grab a doughnut.

"Anyway," continued Dash, chewing noisily as she talked, "I don't think anyone wants to be you right now, Sparkle. The Chief's gonna have your badge over this. How long do you think you can keep getting away with these kinds of stunts?"

Twilight said nothing. Dash swallowed the last of her doughnut and grabbed another one.

"Well, whatever," she mumbled, spitting crumbs as she talked. "You just watch your back, you hear me Detective? You've got a lot of eyes on you."

Twilight watched silently as the fat pegasus waddled away.
Anonymous
024310b
?
No.357300
357301 357358
>>357299

Chapter 2:

As Dash had predicted, Twilight was called into Chief Luna's office first thing on Monday morning.

"You wanted to see me, Chief?"

Chief Luna scowled.

"Sit down, Detective!" she commanded. Twilight did as she was told. "I don't suppose I have to tell you what this is about?"

"Is it because someone wrote 'for a good time call Chief Luna' along with your phone number on the bathroom wall? Because I swear it wasn't me."

Luna scowled.

"Can the jokes, Sparkle, I'm not in the mood to laugh. And you shouldn't be either. Sonic the Hedgehog was a good cop."

"Sonic the Hedgehog was the best cop that ever walked a beat," replied Twilight flatly. "And who's laughing? I'm certainly not."

"Are you >implying that I am?"

"I'm not >implying anything."

"You sound like you're >implying something."

Twilight said nothing. Luna narrowed her eyes.

"Come on, Detective, out with it," she snapped. "If you've got something to say, then say it! I'm not in the mood for any song and dance."

"Sonic was set up," said Twilight bluntly. "And whoever did it tried to frame me. You know it and I know it."

"I don't know anything, Sparkle," snapped Chief Luna. "All I know is that you've had five partners in five months, and all of them are pushing up daisies right now."

Twilight said nothing. Luna sighed heavily and opened a desk drawer with her horn magic. She levitated a pack of cigarettes and offered one to Twilight.

"Thanks," said Twilight. Luna lit both of their cigarettes, and then turned to stare pensively out the window. The city below them was dark and cold and merciless. Also, it was populated by cute little ponies, who were also dark and cold and merciless.

"You're a good detective, Sparkle," she said finally. "You've closed more homicides than anypony else on the force. But you take too many risks. You're a loose cannon. A liability."

Twilight blew out a puff of smoke.

"So is this it?" she demanded. "You've finally got your chance to eighty-six me, and you're gonna take it? You must be thrilled. You've been after my badge since day one."

"I know that's what you think, Sparkle," said Luna bitterly. "But believe it or not I'm the best friend you've got around here. You know how many times I've run interference for you behind the scenes? If the Commissioner had her way you'd be out on your ass faster than you could say Jack Robinson. But you're a damn good cop, Sparkle, a damn hell ass good cop, and maybe the only honest cop I've got. So I'd like to keep you around."

She sat back down at her desk and did a line of cocaine.

"Want to do a line of cocaine?" she asked. Twilight shook her head.

"No thanks, I had one with breakfast."

"Suit yourself."

Luna did another line of cocaine.

"Anyway," she said, "As it turns out, it's not up to me anymore. Word came down from up above. You're being reassigned."

"Reassigned?"

"Yeah. This guy will be able to explain it to you."

Suddenly, a portal to another dimension opened, and a man stepped through. Twilight was so surprised that her cigarette fell out of her mouth and set the drapes on fire, but fortunately Luna put them out.

Chapter 3:

"Nice to meet you, Detective Sparkle," said the man, who was wearing a black suit with a black tie and black sunglasses. "I'm Tommy Lee Jones, head agent or something with the Men in Black. My name isn't really Tommy Lee Jones, it's something else, but I don't remember it."

"You don't remember your name?" asked Twilight Sparkle.

"Yeah," said Tommy Lee Jones. "We use that memory flash thing a lot, and I'm pretty sure I've suffered brain damage from that."

"What memory flash thing?"

"Don't worry, you'll find out all about that. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like you to step through this portal with me into another dimension."

"Uh..."

Twilight looked at Chief Luna, who was puffing her cigarette and watching with a sullen expression.

"This comes from above us, Sparkle," she growled. "My hands are tied here."

"You don't have hands."

"Well, neither do you. But if either of us did, they would be tied. Even Commissioner Celestia has no idea where this order comes from."

"That information is classified," said Tommy Lee Jones. "At least I'm pretty sure it is. Like I said, I have a lot of brain damage. Anyway, what did I just ask you to do again?"

"Step through this portal into another dimension?"

"Oh, right. Yeah, let's do that."

Twilight Sparkle didn't really want to step through a portal into another dimension. The last time she'd gone through a portal into another dimension it had gotten her partner killed. Not Sonic the Hedgehog, a different partner. Dash was right, she really does have a lot of dead partners. At some point I'm going to have to make a list so I can keep track of them all. But anyway, just then, she didn't see as how she had much of a choice. These orders came from the top.

"Alright, let's go," she said.

And together, she and Tommy Lee Jones stepped through a portal into another dimension.
Anonymous
024310b
?
No.357301
357302 357358
c33AE (1).jpg
>>357300

Chapter 4:

Tommy Lee Jones and Twilight Sparkle emerged from the portal in the main headquarters of the Men in Black. I remember there was some kind of giant air vent thing in the lobby for some reason, but I could be wrong about that. It's been a long time since I've seen that movie and I never saw any of the sequels. Anyway, they went through the secret door that I'm pretty sure is in there somewhere, and then they ended up downstairs in the secret government area with all the aliens and shit.

"Here is our secret government area," said Tommy Lee Jones. "It's where we keep all the aliens and shit."

"Neat," said Twilight. She was really beginning to regret not taking Luna up on that line of cocaine she had offered. "What exactly is this assignment anyway?"

"That's classified," said Tommy Lee Jones.

"You said that already," Twilight pointed out. "But even if it's classified, don't you have to at least tell me the mission? Otherwise I won't know what the fuck I'm doing."

"Oh, right, that actually makes sense. Sorry, I really do think I have brain damage from that flash thing."

"What is this flash thing you keep talking about?"

"Oh, that? Here, watch."

And with that, he took some kind of magic penlight or whatever the fuck out of his pocket and put it in front of Twilight's cute little edgy detective-horsie snoot, so close that he almost booped her. But instead of booping her, he pressed a button, and there was a bright flash. Twilight blinked.

"How do you feel?" asked Tommy Lee Jones.

"Uh, pretty much the same as before," said Twilight. "Only I don't remember how to do long division."

"Welcome to my world, then. Thanks to this stupid thing, I've forgotten more things than you'll ever remember. In fact, doing that to you just now made me forget my social security number."

"What is it? Some kind of CIA brainwashing device?"

"Probably. I'm pretty sure that information is either classified, or is part of the large number of things I can't remember. Anyway, what were we talking about?"

"My mission."

"Oh, right, that. Yeah, here, step into this room."

Tommy Lee Jones opened a door, or maybe he pushed a button and the door opened itself because it was one of those science fiction doors that moves up when you push a button. It goes "woosh" and all that. Inside the room was a black guy who was wearing a suit. He looked just like Tommy Lee Jones, except he was black and not as old. Actually, he looked more like Will Smith than Tommy Lee Jones.

"This is Will Smith," said Tommy Lee Jones. "Until last Tuesday, he was one of our most important agents. However, he is no longer able to go on missions."

"I no longer have time for your trivial missions, Agent K," said Will Smith.

"Agent K, that was my name in the movie," said Tommy Lee Jones.

"Right. And I'm agent J. I checked Wikipedia. Anyway, that's no longer important. Point is, I am no longer able to go on alien-hunting missions for you."

"Yes, I know that, but thank you for clarifying the exposition for our protagonist here."

"Happy to oblige."

Tommy Lee Jones turned to Twilight Sparkle.

"This is a classified government secret so I'd appreciate it if you didn't go spreading it around, but Will Smith is single-handedly responsible for every rap song recorded since 1995," he explained. "We created rap in the late seventies to counteract the rise of Japan. Japan later responded by turning several generations of our children into weeaboos. Part of your mission will involve fighting Japan."

"I still don't know what my mission is," said Twilight Sparkle.

"I'm getting to that. At least I'm relatively sure I am. Anyway, Will Smith usually handles this sort of thing, but he's currently unavailable for missions."

"You're damn right, Agent K," said Will Smith.

"I'm damn ass hell right, Agent J," said Tommy Lee Jones.

"Right," agreed Will Smith. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to Los Angeles to record Dr. Dre's new album Holy Jeez I Jes Shat Me Britches."

"Godspeed, Will Smith," said Tommy Lee Jones. And then Will Smith left the room.

"Was there a point to that?" asked Twilight Sparkle.

"Who knows? I sure as hell don't."

"Well I sure as damn ass hell don't either."

"All right then. Now, Detective Sparkle, if you will please follow me."

And then they left the room through another one of those sci-fi doors that go "woosh."
Anonymous
024310b
?
No.357302
357303 357358
>>357301

Chapter 5:

Tommy Lee Jones led Twilight Sparkle into a room with a big screen and switched on a projector.

"What am I looking at?" asked Twilight, wondering what she was looking at. It turns out that what she was looking at was a crime scene photo, which was a normal enough thing for her to be looking at, considering she was a detective and all. However, this particular photo happened to be of a rabbit wearing a police uniform, who had also been disemboweled. And if that's not edgy enough for you, I can also mention that her eyeballs had been torn out and replaced with baked potatoes.

"They also drew a giant cock on her face using her own blood," explained Tommy Lee Jones. "Although one of our investigators wiped that off."

"You still haven't told me what I'm looking at," said Twilight.

"What? Oh. I thought the narration cleared up most of that."

"Not for me."

"Oh. Well, okay then. This is Officer Judy Hopps. She was killed last Tuesday."

"Should I know her?"

"Not unless you spend a lot of time in Hogwarts-Digimon Universe #4. Now, on to the next slide."

He pressed a button and changed the slide.

"This is Lion-O, from the Thundercats. Or at least it was, until some sick bastard decided to shove an entire honey baked ham down his throat and suffocate him."

Twilight sat up alertly.

"Wait, I know that guy!"

"No you don't. At least you don't know this version of him. This version has a mustache."

Twilight squinted at the slide.

"But he doesn't have a mustache."

"Well, he doesn't anymore. Whoever killed him desecrated his corpse by shaving it off."

"Bastards! Wait, what was that about him being a different version? And what does all of this have to do with me?"

"I'm getting to that, Detective. How much do you know about crossover fanfiction?"

"Uh...nothing. What's crossover fanfiction?"

"Oh damn ass hell! Aren't you the Twilight Sparkle who likes books?"

"No, I'm the Twilight Sparkle who solves mysteries and swears a lot. You damn bastard. Also, there's only one of me."

"That's what they all say. Well, if you don't know then you don't know, but this makes my job a bit harder."

He took a deep breath.

"Crossover fanfiction is when characters from one universe are brought into a different universe to go on adventures with the characters who live in that universe. Alternatively, some crossover fics will involve characters from multiple universes going on adventures in a universe alien to all of them. There are many directions you can go; the only rule is that in order to be considered a crossover, characters from two or more unrelated universes must be included."

"That sounds pretty gay."

"It's extremely gay. However, quantum theory or something like that probably states that any idea that can be imagined springs into existence as its own separate universe the moment it's conceived. The advent of crossover fanfiction has given rise to a countless number of exceedingly complicated universes, all of which need to be policed by a covert government agency for some reason. That is the job of the Men in Black."

"I thought the job of the Men in Black was to fight aliens and stuff."

"That's the Men in Black from the Men in Black universe. We're the Men in Black from the universe where Hercule Poirot is an exotic dancer, and Atticus Finch is Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan."

"Those last couple of references weren't quite autistic enough for me, do you have some better ones?"

"Yes. This is also the universe where Tony Stark and Peter Parker are in a common-law polygamous marriage with Legoshi from Beastars, and Stark is also a trans woman who fights crime as Iron Ma'am."

"That's better."

"Anyway, here's where it gets interesting."

He switched slides again.

"I believe you know this hedgehog?"

A brief pain shot through Twilight's heart.

"That's my partner, Sonic," she said. "Or at least, he used to be my partner. He was killed in a train accident two days ago."

"Wrong."

Tommy Lee Jones switched slides again.

"This is Sonic's partner. She was the one who was killed in a train accident two days ago. In Steampunk Noir Equestria #5."

Twilight gasped, because she was looking at a photo of her own murdered corpse.
Anonymous
024310b
?
No.357303
357304 357358
>>357302

Chapter 6:

"What is the meaning of this?" demanded Twilight Sparkle, pointing towards the thing of which she wanted to know the meaning, which happened to be the picture of her dead and deceased murdered body.

"We were hoping you could shed some light on that, Detective Sparkle," replied Tommy Lee Jones. "And also please write it down, because I have trouble remembering things."

"There's nothing to write down," said Twilight. "I don't understand this at all."

"Good. You passed the test."

"This was a test?"

"Yes. We had to make sure you weren't one of them."

"One of who?"

"The Japanese."

"Who are the Japanese?"

"You can tone it down a bit, Detective, you already passed the test."

"Okay. But I still don't know what this is all about."

"Well, I'm going to tell you."

"Are you about to tell me right now?"

"Yes."

"Okay then, I'll stop talking."

"Thanks. Anyway, here's the deal. These murders all have the same M.O., and we've found similar clues at each crime scene: hair follicles, fingerprints, and a calling card left at each crime scene announcing that the murderer is a secret agent working for the Japanese. We believe we're looking at a serial killer who travels across different crossover universes murdering different characters. What we don't know is why."

"That's some fine detective work."

"Thanks. Now, here's where you come in."

Tommy Lee Jones pressed a button and the slide changed. Twilight was now looking at a picture of what looked like Canterlot, except it was covered in dense fog, all the buildings looked fancy and old, and the ponies were all wearing old-fashioned coats and top-hats.

"This is Canterlot, but not the Canterlot you'd be familiar with," said Tommy Lee Jones. "This is Canterlot from Steampunk Equestria #4,287. We have intel suggesting the killer will strike here next."

"And you need me to infiltrate this version of Equestria because I'm from a different Equestria and would be able to fit in?"

"No. We need you because you don't hate the Japanese, or even know who they are. All of our agents hate everything Japanese with a livid and fiery passion. Especially anime. That hatred clouds our judgement, and in a case where we're facing an adversary this Japanese, we can't afford to take any risks. So we need somepony neutral."

"Why are you so convinced the murderer is working for the Japanese?"

"Because he left a calling card, explicitly stating that he was working for the Japanese."

"Couldn't that just be a red herring?"

"No, I don't eat fish."

"Oh. All right then, I guess I could use a vacation. When do I start?"

"Not so fast, hot shot. We had the Canterlot P.D. fax over your record, because it's 1997 here and we still use fax machines. You've got citations and demerits up the ass. You're a loose cannon, Sparkle. That's why we're pairing you up with one of our agents for this mission."

He pressed the button again, and the slide changed.

"This is Special Agent Harry Potter. He's going to be your partner for the course of this investigation."

"You can't be serious!"

"I am serious. And don't call me Shirley."

"I didn't."

"Oh. Well, good. Because I'd genuinely prefer it if you didn't. Anyway, you've got a partner now and you'd better get used to it."

"But Harry Potter sucks millions of dicks!"

"Exactly. With the mission you're going on, you're going to need a partner who sucks millions of dicks."

"That doesn't make sense."

"No, but it might make dollars." He pressed a button on the intercom. "Agent Potter, would you come in here please?"

The science-fiction door went "woosh," and in stepped a fourteen year old boy wearing round glasses and a British-looking school uniform.

"Hey, man," he said, in a spaced out voice. Twilight noticed his eyes were a little red, and his tie was crooked.

"Twilight Sparkle," said Tommy Lee Jones, "Meet Special Agent Potter. He's going to be your partner for the next few weeks."

Tommy Lee Jones shut off the slide projector, and put his hands down on the table, staring at them with a serious expression.

"Now you listen here, Sparkle," he said. "You've got a reputation for trouble, and I don't want any funny stuff. The two of you are going to do this one by the book. Have I made myself perfectly clear?"

"Sir yes sir!" said Twilight Sparkle, completely out of habit.

"Uh, sure man," said Harry Potter.

"Good. Now the two of you had better not screw this up, or I'll have both of your badges. Now get to work!"
Anonymous
024310b
?
No.357304
357326 357358 357657
>>357303

Chapter 7:

Twilight Sparkle and Harry Potter stepped through the interdimensional portal, emerging on a train platform somewhere in the Equestrian countryside. Twilight was now dressed in steampunk fashion, with big ostentatious goggles and all that kind of shit. Harry Potter had taken off his school uniform and was now wearing a Cypress Hill T-shirt.

"Alright, Potter," said Twilight. "I don't like you, and you don't like me. But we've got a job to do, and the chief wants it done by the book. So let's put our differences aside, and maybe we can--"

"Hey!" exclaimed Harry. "I think I just figured something out!"

"What?"

"You're a talking horse!"

After this he laughed hysterically for eight solid minutes. Twilight raised an eyebrow.

"Uh, I've been meaning to ask you about something," she said. "You're a little bit...uh...different from what I was expecting."

"Like, how, man?"

"Well, for one thing, you keep using words like 'dude' and 'man' and laughing all the time. Isn't Harry Potter supposed to be a wizard-in-training, or something?"

"Oh, yeah. That's 'cause I'm not Harry Potter, man."

"You're not?"

"Nope. I'm Harry Pothead. I'm a cheap knockoff from a stoner parody universe."

Twilight scowled.

"Well, doesn't that just beat all," she said. "On top of everything else, Tommy Lee Jones gave me the wrong partner! Now we have to go back to the Men in Black universe, and--"

"No, the assignment's correct, man," said Harry Pothead. "Agent K wanted us both on this mission. It was, uh...hold on, what did he say again...?"

He fished around in his pockets for awhile, eventually producing a wadded up piece of notebook paper. He uncrumpled it and squinted at his spidery handwriting.

"Oh yeah, that's what he said. He said that he wants you and me together on this assignment, man, because it's a suicide mission and we're both expendable."

Twilight Sparkle kicked a pebble.

"Well, doesn't that just beat all," she said again. She could almost hear Rainbow Dash's fat ass laughing at her from the shadows. "Oh well, let's just get this over with. What's our mission supposed to be again?"

Harry fished around in his pockets again and pulled out another wad of paper. He skimmed over his various notes and scribbles.

"Uh, it looks like we're supposed to go to..uh...Cramberlot? Camembert?"

"Canterlot."

"Right, man. We're supposed to go to Canterlot and pose as students at Celestia's Academy for Gifted Wizards and Whatever."

"What are we supposed to do there?"

"Look for the murderer I think. The guy who's supposed to get murdered next is named...uh...hold on, man, I think it's on another sheet of paper."

He fished around in his pockets some more until he found the right note. Twilight tapped her hoof impatiently.

"Looks like the guy's name is uh...oh, shit. That's pretty crazy man!"

"What?"

"Looks like the guy's name is...Harry Potter."

"Oh, what the shit! Are you sure you're reading that right?"

"That's what it says, man. Here, take a look."

He passed her a crumpled up sheet of paper covered in scribbles. The handwriting was very hard to read in places, but the name "Harry Potter" was clearly visible next to the word "target." She sighed heavily.

"Oh, whatever. Let's just get this over with."

She skimmed the rest of the document quickly.

"Alright," she said. "According to this itinerary, our train should be arriving soon. We're supposed to board it at platform nine and three quarters. Do we have any idea where that is?"

"I'll go ask this dude," said Harry Pothead.

He approached a tall and statuesque pony wearing steampunk goggles and a top hat.

"Hey man, do you know where platform nine and three quarters is?"

The steampunk-pony looked at him disdainfully.

"Platform nine and three quarters? Are you trying to be funny?"

"What? No, man. You see, me and my unicorn friend need to get on the train to the magical castle, man. I'm gonna be a wizard!"

He began to giggle hysterically. The steampunk pony grunted.

"Fuck off, stoner," he said. "I don't have any spare change."

And with that, he turned around and fired up his steam-powered jet pack, because that's a thing here and he has one. He put on his goggles and flew away. Then, a train pulled up.

"Oh, wait, here's platform nine and three quarters," said Twilight. And then they boarded the fucking magic train to the fucking magic school at the goddamn magic castle.

--------------

...and that's all I've got so far. This was pretty much all written in one long sitting and this is the first time I've read through it. Hopefully someone finds it funny. I will continue it later, probably.
Anonymous
e193405
?
No.357326
>>357304
This is excellent so far! I like how the elements that make up these sorts of stories are parodied. In an infinite universe, no one organization or alliance of organizations could ever police it all. Even dedicating their organization to spreading out through the multiverse and getting more branches in more universes to make more branches dedicated to making more branches that branch out, even if the organization tried to spread like a virus it would never affect all of the infinitely expanding multiverse. Or even a significant portion of it. Their quest to homogenize the universes would never affect enough of them to matter. If a new universe exists for every idea ever, and any new universe can be made by any new idea by anyone in any universe, any effort to control the exponentially expanding multiverse would be worth less than an atom in a flood. The MIB would be a transparent plot device even if they didn't answer "why?" with a joke, and that's the sort of plot device these stories rely on. The most popular crossovers don't cleverly blend stories or their themes, they just combine iconography and names and cliches. Like a lobby full of VR Chat characters from various media properties.
Anonymous
6c09a87
?
No.357332
>Be (You)
>You're also known as Anonymous.
>Today is a great day.
"Gettin' paid an' rubbin' down the hoers. Yeah, gettin' paid an' rubbin' down the hoers."
>"He's getting paid just as his forefathers did."
>"Turning every town to a gushy zone!"
>"He's going to give them his-"
"I'm going to give them my-"
>"BO-
-NE!
"
"Thanks every pony we wrapped it up under a minute, cards will be available at the princesses' garden tea party with the expert fornicator Anonymous."
>Horsy cheers arise as the song and dance leads into your practiced advertisement.
>Hearing 'em sing praises of your rod of power-
>-that means your dick-
>-gets old fast as the singing and dancing get more daring.
>The lawyer department made certain that anything under the effect of the horsy singing and dancing is near unassailable legally.
>Ponies sure love to party in every way.
>Especially the big pony in charge, speaking of big pony-
"Your highness."
>Taking a bow for the solar mare Celestia the big booty bombshell busting open the royal wallet for the citizens and her fellow royal princesses.
>She gracefully repositions her tail.
>"Anonymous are you ready for tonight's entertainment?"
>She is really asking if you can bust a nut.
"You betcha plasma pony. Fully loaded just for the occasion."
>Training in horseland actually works far better
>something something magic genetic resonance
>down time is lowered, viable cum loads enhanced, and things tend to go better when you're in the groove.
>"Excellent, I'm sure you know how excited my former student is about this get together."
>Wet enough to replace all the lakes.
>Walking side by side with Celestia so you don't get lost and admire her personal moons.
"Is it ponysonal?"
>Sometimes even your 'tisms can't be contained with this place's magics.
>"Oh Anon you're a barrel of fun."
>You're pretty sure she's contemplating the last couple of times you and her and that one maid assistant did pony twister.
>Saddly this is not to be. A moon princess horsie bursts through the haree than strone walls of the castle.
>"It is time Anonymous for the main show please awaken whwn you're ready."
"Time to fuck ass and chew bubblegum. And I'm all out of gum."
>You wake up, it's pitch black in the cake.
>Going over recent events calms the mind and flesh.
"Who's ready to party!"
>"We are! Hey! That's my line."
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.357358
>>357299
>>357300
>>357301
>>357302
>>357303
>>357304
Kek, this is absurdism done well and it reminds me of Internet Historian's storytimes. I like that you included Harry Pothead as well.
Anonymous
4ca8f55
?
No.357376
>>336928
Oh hey! I've been looking for threads like this one, althugh by the looks of things it seems like you guys alredy have a fair bit of your own writing projects in the proccess already.
I was hoping that I could offer my old CYOA drafts that I haven't touched in a long time to make into proper stories or maybe even the CYOAs they were meant to be? I'd be happy to post them once there's enough interest shown in them.
I believe GlimAnon seems to have suggested the idea of publishing the story to FimFiction? I just might do the same too, if no one objects to such an idea.
Anonymous
e193405
?
No.357391
ezgif-3-626ec71019.jpg
>anti-sjw pokemon game where the villain is Antifa, the cops are on their side, and the government is trying to take your guns- I mean pokemon
>your friendly rival is personally involved in the nation's struggle and trying to abandon her heritage won't stop the monsters from hating her
>annoying rich cunt rival joins the villains to assuage his white guilt despite not actually doing anything moral. Instead of giving cash to charity he just becomes a woketard asshole so he can smugly judge others.
>in the final hour it turns out the woman in charge of antifa was just doing what her dad told her
>he's an evil old businessman who strongly resembles George Soros
>he wants her to be a puppet president so he can control her and enslave everyone and rule the Aporue Region
>I fucking nerfed Toxapex

Am I being subtle enough here? I don't even bring up jews or nigger racial crime statistics. The villains are just hypocritical violent cowardly cucks doing what a rich """white""" ballsack man tells them to. Haha I mean business man. I was thinking if I focus entirely on mocking wokeshit and SJWs, people will get on the "owning teh libtards with facts and logic" train and eventually that train will take them to the "jews invented wokeshit and finance it" station.
Anonymous
e193405
?
No.357413
Screenshot_20230114-103430_Brave.jpg
Sick of the pseudointellectualism in video essays. What the fuck is this shit even supposed to mean? A cyborg is a man with mechanical bits. There's no "lived social reality" in fiction about fucking bitches up with sick cyber arms. The femtard is just waffling word soup to get her fuckwit flock of sheep to nod. Anyone stupid enough to think there's anything smart in this quote (or dishonest enough to pretend there is hoping to appeal to the feminist babykiller for profit crowd) can't have anything worth a damn to say about writing. Fuck this I'm not watching this.
Anonymous
e193405
?
No.357437
I asked ChatGPT how to write the ultimate story. It gave advice.

>Use dialogue effectively: Dialogue can be a powerful tool for revealing character, advancing the plot, and creating tension. Use it to reveal information, create conflict, and move the story forward.
Fallout Equestria failed at this because dialogue is regularly used for filler or lying to the audience. Characters like Littleshit have no problem taking days off and visiting the spa when they should be searching their tower for a bomb, or taking the time to scour an entire dungeon for loot when their friend is dying of poison and she has the fucking antidote but can't spare the time to heal him because there's loot to loot and a dungeon to destroy.

>Show, don't tell: Instead of telling readers what's happening, show them through actions, emotions, and sensory details. This will help to create a more immersive experience for the readers.
Regularly failed. Kkat likes making characters tell the audience things instead of telling the audience things through narration but this is no better. Calamity has no business flirting with Velvet and calling her "loveably practical and sensible" right after she whines at him for shooting a rapist chasing a mare. We're told too much and what we're told doesn't match what we're shown.

>Use pacing effectively: Vary the pace of your story to keep readers engaged. Use fast-paced action scenes to create excitement and slow down for quieter, more contemplative moments to create contrast and build tension.
Failed. Kkat doesn't know what pacing is. When the clock is metaphorically ticking from a poisoned friend, or literally ticking from a bomb, LP will be her usual self: An inconsistent author avatar with less consistency than the average blank slate a videogame protagonist.

>Create a sense of danger and urgency: The story should be filled with a sense of danger and urgency that will keep readers on the edge of their seats. This can be achieved through the use of suspenseful music, sound effects, and descriptive language.
Still failed. Kkat loves introducing dangers and then immediately neutralizing them. Oh no, Alicorns! Except they can be crushed by heavy objects or beheaded or blown up or killed like anything else. Oh no, radioactive taint! Except it gives LP fucking superpowers. Oh no, instakill lasers! Except it only takes a rib from LP and she gets better.

>Use symbolism and motifs: Use symbols and motifs to add depth and meaning to your story. This can help to create a sense of cohesion and make the story feel more meaningful.
Kkat does not understand symbolism or motifs, he simply transposes modern day Equestria into Fallout land and fills it with evil murderhobos for the designated good murderhobos to kill. 60 years after the bombs fell, after Ponyville became Raiderville, locations like Rarity's store and Twilight's tree library are still recognizable to anyone who watched the show just like Fluttershy's retarded cottage which was being used for slavers to stage death battles between foals.

>Use foreshadowing: Use foreshadowing to hint at future events and create a sense of anticipation. This can be a powerful tool for building tension and keeping readers engaged.
Kkat thinks foreshadowing is when you do whatever you want in the moment and then edit a chapter 30 chapters ago to offhandedly awkwardly mention something existed or possible, if you remember to do even that. The story is so filled with clutter and red herrings that guessing at what Kkat will do requires understanding retard logic.

>Make the stakes high: The stakes of the story should be high, with a lot riding on the outcome. This will create a sense of tension and urgency and make the story more engaging.
Nobody ever thought Littlepip would die halfway through the story she was narrating from the future. She had to be alive so she could start narrating her life story in the weather machine while her friends presumably fought and died and lost lives outside the weather machine. Saving Equestria was a foregone conclusion, and the question of "how" was entirely uninteresting.

>Be consistent: Be consistent with your story's tone, pacing, and characters. This will help to create a sense of continuity and make the story feel more cohesive.
Complete failure on this point.
Anonymous
e193405
?
No.357486
357493 357495 357498
Guys how do I use Pokemon for a gun control metaphor where the libs want to make us working class whites to be powerless and make gun ownership a luxury only affordable by the ruling class and their armed guards?
Anonymous
26de304
?
No.357493
357494
you-just-dont-learn.gif
>>357486
You don't.
Anonymous
e193405
?
No.357494
>>357493
But the comparison is right there! It's probably been done a million times with the baddies being the enemy of superpowers and individuality and the lower classes having any means to resist corrupt authority and exorcise it from positions of authority. Talking about the jews in govt and sandniggers invading us is too obvious and talking about rapestein island is too dark for a kids game like pokemon but there are a million things to hate the libtards for and some of them continue to make sense even in a crime free childish utopia like Pokemon land.
Anonymous
ac013c1
?
No.357495
357496
>>357486
Didn't BNHA did something like that? At least the gun control bit.
Anonymous
e193405
?
No.357496
>>357495
I haven't seen much of BNHA so far but the way you need a hero license just to be permitted to use a power you were born with always bugged me. Not a generalized safety certification with a mental health test but an explicit pledge to support the government and make this your lifelong career along with firefighting and other hero duties.

I was thinking every Pokemon game needs an "evil team" like Team Rocket. There needs to be a morally righteous goal you're working towards as you travel, a goal beyond collecting pokemon for a professor and kicking the ass of thirteen named characters to prove you're the best pokemon trainer now.

Antifa is pure evil and it's dishonest about that. It punches down at censored protestors and thoughtcriminals who can't fight back. It has police and government protection as it attacks innocents those in charge want attacked. It claims to protect the world from the boogeyman of fascism as it behaves worse than the fictional fascists who supposedly arrested innocents. It directly takes orders from glowies, though the glowies would likely claim they are govt informants infiltrating the organization if caught and dragged to any place willing to prosecute and imprison them. In a region where the government wants a monopoly on power, guns, and legally permitted use of firearms, or the pokemon equivalent of that as guns dont exist, these are its enforcers. And its hypocrisy is as obvious as its lies. It's the most perfect candidate possible for a villainous team besides rapey exploding foreigners or cartoonishly corrupt cops in face covering masks.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
024310b
?
No.357498
357500 357546 357699
pokemon.png
>>357486
>be me
>Ash Ketchum
>50 years old now
>sitting on my front porch when I hear the news
>Pallet Town just passed Prop 44
>it is now illegal to carry a Bidoof in public areas without a permit
>buyers must wait 30 days and pass a (((psych evaluation)))
>I can't say I'm surprised
>I'm bitter
>I'm frustrated
>furious, even
>but the one thing I'm not is surprised
>this has been going on far too long for me to be surprised anymore
>it started off innocently enough
>"we just want some common sense restrictions," they said
>"we're just looking out for the children," they said
>"come on, be reasonable," they said
>I mean, nobody needs a level 60 Metagross for home defense, right?
>a level 90 Rayquaza? are you trying to compensate for something?
>come on, man, when the Founders wrote that Amendment in, they never envisioned trainers would one day be catching Moltres and Registeel
>I mean, come on, man
>come on, man
>come on
>those of us that objected were dismissed as paranoid cranks and conspiracy theorists
>but sure enough, we were proven right sooner than anyone would have imagined
>at first they just came for the legendary and the mythical
>but just a couple of years later they were coming for the common poison and the electric types
>then the rock types
>pretty soon even the grass types weren't safe
>nowadays you can't even catch Magikarp without a permit
>I hear the sound of a passing car and I'm immediately on guard
>Misty is right, I need to relax
>all this anger is bad for my blood pressure
>but I can't relax
>I look around me
>take in the degradation and the squalor
>Pallet Town used to be a nice place to live
>now it's nothing but boarded up houses and crack dens and Popeye's chicken as far as the eye can see
>just last year they bulldozed Professor Oak's old house to build a damn Foot Locker
>another car drives past
>I can almost physically feel my blood pressure rising
>there could be NIGGERS in that car
>there could be NIGGERS anywhere
>NIGGERS carrying Latios and Mesprit and God only knows what else
>somehow, the regulators never seem to go after the NIGGERS' Pokémon
>"Aim to be a Pokémon Master" reverberated the car as it passed, even as the 9 Pokédollar wine coursed through my powerful thick veins, washing away my (merited) fear of minorities armed with psychics after dark
>I feel my old friend rubbing up against my legs in a gesture of comfort
>I reach down and give him an affectionate pat
>he climbs up into my lap
>my oldest Pokémon
>my favorite
>the one who's been with me since the very beginning
>if they think they're going to take this one away from me, well...
>come and take him, you bastards
"From my cold, dead hands, Pikachu," I whisper. "From my cold, dead hands."
"Pika pika!" he says.

--------------------------

It's literally that easy, dude.
Anonymous
e193405
?
No.357500
357668
>>357498
Thank you, this is excellent.
Is it too much if the TV demonizes anyone who wants to keep their guns, insisting we need next week's gun control measure while everyone forgets about last week's gun control measure?
The TV could slander the protagonist in a way that is, at first, played for laughs.
Anonymous
e193405
?
No.357543
357668
"I've got a bad feeling about this."
>be Obi-Wan Kenobi
>need a ship that can get you past the blockade and onto Naboo
>to attempt to fly through the blockade without official documents letting you through would be suicide
>Qui-Gon gets an idea
>let's visit Mos Eisley Cantina to recruit the most dangerous smuggler in the galaxy into our peacekeeping mission gone wrong
>as if this shit wasn't complicated enough already
>finally you make it into the cantina
>Jizzwailers (that's what they're called, I looked it up) are playing a catchy jaunty little tune.
>>Buh-BAH buh-BAH bahana, banana nananana, nananana, na...
>some angry teenager is wrecking everyone's shit in a barfight
>shoots some bug-eyed green alien faggot with a moustache in the face right in front of his bug eyed alien son Greedo
>gets knocked down by some robed faggot from behind
>dazed, angry teenager weakly raises a red baseball bat sideways to defend himself from the robed maniac swinging a metal bar at him
>pissed, angry teen gets back up and swings his red metal bat, smashes the alien's metal arm
>alien screams helplessly as he shows the audience the sparking stump where his metal right hand was
>jizzwailers continue playing
>angry teenager breathes heavy and slow through his teeth as he forcefully chokes the fuck out of this alien fuck
>>BUM BUM BUM, BUM BANUM, BUM BANUM
"Anakin Skywalker, I presume?" Qui Gon asks.
>>BUM BUM BUM, BUM BANUM, BUM BANUM
"In the flesh", Anakin smirks and flexes his robot arm before punching the alien out and into the jizzwailers, ending their performance. "Mostly."
>his shadow is... strange. Almost as if this charming loveable rogue with two laserguns and a red Rebels-branded spaceball bat is wearing a helmet and cape.
"We need to get to Naboo."
Skywalker chuckles. "Good luck with that. Naboo's under Trade Federation blockade. Nobody's getting on or off that planet until everyone the Trade Federation gets to be exempt from taxes for life. Like that's ever going to happen. If you ask me... I've seen enough jobs go south to know what it looks like when a fall guy gets double crossed. I think whoever seems to be behind this isn't really behind this."
"Interesting theory." Obi Wan looks unimpressed.
"We can't explain why, but we need to get to Naboo." Qui Gon says.
"Why, to warn the Naboos about the army approaching their capital city? Communications blackout or not, by the time you get there, I think they'll already know."
"We have our reasons. We need to get there with your ship. And we have money. Smuggler, if you forge us the documents we need to get past the blockade, we'll pay handsomely."
"Hey, I ain't no smuggler! I'm an honest bounty hunter. And if you want me to... find... some documents that... may or may not be forged... That'll be twelve thousand republic credits."
"That's enough to buy a slave woman." Obi Wan is disgusted.
"You don't say," Anakin rolls his eyes. "Come on, old timer. Cash up front."
"We don't carry that kind of money around."
"What's the matter? Your sad devotion to that ancient religion hasn't helped you conjure up some money? Or given you clairvoyance enough to get some bitches?"
"We will give you all the republic credits we have on us now and pay your full price over again when the mission is over."
"Double that price again, and you've got yourself a deal.
>Obi Wan is pissed. "You can't be serious."
"Deal." Qui Gon knows more than he's letting on.
"What are you thinking? That money isn't ours to give away." Obi Wan is pissed.
"I sense Anakin here needs the money for a noble purpose."
Anakin begins checking the pockets of those he fought and looking for his gun on the ground.
"A noble purpose." Obi Wan scoffed. "What noble purpose could a common scoundrel of a bounty hunter ever fight for?"
"The most noble purpose there is."
"Serving the Jedi way by the book?"
"No. The only force more powerful than the Light Side of the force."
Qui gon means love.
"But Master, there is no such force."
Qui Gon smiles. "I'm sure you'll understand some day."
"Master, that man is dangerous. I sense a dark side lurking within him. He's no Sith, but he's hardly Jedi material."
"If you're done talking about me like I'm not right behind you, I think you've got a flight to Naboo to catch." Anakin grabs his gun from the ground and stylishly twirls his guns before sheathing them.
>Anakin runs back into the restaurant to see a woman in rags washing dishes chained to a sink
"Ey, Ma! Ma! I've found a new job! These two Jedi are paying me enough to buy your contract out twice after I take em to Naboo!"
>there's a tender human moment where this bad boy hugs his beloved mama. Everything he did and does, it's all for her.
>Everyone makes their way to Anakin's ship, its licence plate on the back that says RDV-HTRD which is DRTH-VDR backwards so nobody notices
"I've got a bad feeling about this." Obi Wan sighs.
"I think you two will be closer than brothers in no time." Qui Gon smiles. "I sincerely doubt that."

>screen wipe scene transition

I tried writing a scene in Star Wars The Phantom Menace where Darth Vader aka Anakin Skywalker is introduced right. Not as a child actor nobody likes, but as an angry guy in his late tens or early twenties. How old was Jim Hawkins in Treasure Planet? That's how old he should be in the first one. Make him older for Star Wars 2 and 3 and state he spent the time in Jedi Training. Phantom Menace was so dull and dry. It needed buddy cop movie energy. Obi Wan is the by the book cop who learns to loosen up, Vader is the loveable rogue with a heart of gold, Qui Gon is the inscrutable old sage, maybe remove Qui Gon completely or make Dooku kill him in the first movie and die for that at the start of the third movie. Making Vader the Han Solo of the previous generation and meeting him in mos eisley or a place like it was certainly one of the choices of all time but mixing together two iconic tracks would be worth it for the reaction videos alone.

Your thoughts?
Anonymous
dc541e8
?
No.357546
357668
>>357498
Kek.
That was pretty funz, even with my cursory poke-knowledge.
Anonymous
1ff57b3
?
No.357610
>protagonist has friend who sends him heartwarming wholesome news articles periodically
>and cute cat pics and "funny memes"
>white man runs into burning building to save stranger and her dog
>white man helps starving african village
>i has a taco
>smartest african alive is a white boy, uses internet to learn how to build shit the village needs and didn't have for 6900 years but finally has thanks to white
>over time as the story gets darker the news articles go from wholesomebait to dark and serious
>six dead from muslim bombing
>I'm taking a shit and he sends me a news article: twelve dead and nine injured from muslim bombing
>people in nigger land are being killed and raped by savage superstitious lunatics and nobody gives a shit
>woman beaten to death by rape gang after being severely molested
>nigger gang of females beat harmless old man to death
>I'm within earshot of a TV, the news is blaming whites for a mass shooting, the phone dings and my friend tells me the niggers are at it again, and once the TV people hear about it too they go from blaming whites to blaming mental health before swiftly moving on to celebrity bullshit
>meme about how niggers are evil
>famous anti-white nigger got caught grooming white teenaged girls
>each news article the hero gets is another example of him being right about niggers

If the hero walked past this happening on his way to work every day it would seem excessive and if the hero was always in earshot of at least one radio or news station telling the truth it wouldn't seem like the news is against whites. But if the TV news always lied about everything important and the phone news from racists always told the truth it would be just like real life!

That should help my writing feel more true to life, right?

And if the protagonist gets invited to a group chat that can react to important shit in the story, sane voices can comment on things and I don't have to draw them or describe what they look like or sound like.
Anonymous
6c09a87
?
No.357626
357627
1581034484269.jpeg
>Be Discord
>You won.
>If Discord paid attention he would have sensed a purple alicorn come through a tear in time. Who then left.
>Then again that would be
*Why He-ll-o there viewer.
~~~ ~~~
[ ] [ ]
[ 0 ] [ 0 ]
[____] [____]
*What a boring place, there's no bear bug beetles or flying honey cogs.
*Tell you what before this timeline collapses I'll send over whatever and whoever you want with the deal that randomly I'll also include someone or something else.
\ /
\ /
\/
*Limit? That's not how this works, it's your risk and reward what you'll bring over.
*Past three things or beings of your choice I'll widen the scope for you. That means from other places such as places you might construct fictional or something unique of what I do.
*If you do bring all of this Chaos Equestria and it's surrounding dimentions I'll include a chocolate box of wishes.
*Each of those wishes, ten in total- bleh ordered details, will do as you actually desire it to work and that you won't regret it.
*If you pick nothing I'll see if the next one wants this deal.
*I'll even include a trip to wherever with whoever and whatever you want if you have them.
*What do you say?
background chaos for Discord.
>As the world begins to crumble under the pressure of the timeline shift Discord gazes far away with a grin.
>A Snap-
Anonymous
442b482
?
No.357627
>>357626
Based duck.
Anonymous
024310b
?
No.357657
357658
>>357304
Chapter 8:

Steampunk Canterlot was a lot like regular Canterlot, except it was more steampunk. However, since Twilight Sparkle was not from regular Canterlot but Edgy Noir Mystery Canterlot, which also had Sonic the Hedgehog and PewDiePie and whoever else in it for some reason, it was a very different place from what she was used to.

"This is a very different place from what I'm used to," she said out loud. However, Harry Pothead was at that moment toking up and listening to "Hits from the Bong" on his Zune MP3 player, which he had because it was 2005 in the universe where he came from, and so he didn't hear her.

Anyway, they came at last to a huge building, which looked all Victorian and stuff except it was also Equestria, and also there were big gears and other steampunk-looking things on the building, even though they didn't seem to serve any real function. A sign on the front of the building read:

Celestia's Academy for Gifted Wizards and Whatever

"Welp, we're here," said Twilight Sparkle.

They went inside and enrolled in the wizard school, which was actually much easier to do than Twilight expected. As it turned out, in this universe, Celestia's school was basically the DeVry of magic schools, so pretty much all they had to do was give them their email addresses and pay the $50 admission fee.

"We get reimbursed for this later, right?" asked Twilight as she wrote out a check.

"Yeah, probably," said Harry Pothead. "The MiB is usually pretty good about that. I've been writing off bags of Funyons on my expense reports for years."

"Good."

They went upstairs and got situated in their dorm room. However, no sooner had they changed into their school uniforms when there came a knock at the door.

"That's probably the RA coming to give us our orientation session," said Twilight. "I'll try to get rid of him so we can go search for this Harry Potter kid."

Unfortunately, though, it was not the RA. When Twilight opened the door, she saw an arrogant-looking unicorn with a blond mane flanked by two arrogant-looking flunkies.

"Are you the new kid?" demanded the blond unicorn.

"Uh, that depends on who's asking," asked Twilight.

"What? No it doesn't; either you are or you aren't."

"Oh. Well then, I guess I'm the new kid. I'm Twilight Sparkle, and this is my friend Harry Pothead. We're hoping to learn the ways of magic, and--"

"Twilight Sparkle, huh?" the unicorn cut in obnoxiously. "Twilight Dorkle is more like it."

His two flunkies laughed.

"Where did you get a name like that, anyway, Twilight Dorkle?"

Twilight raised a confused eyebrow.

"Uh, my Mom I guess. And you're actually mispronouncing it--"

"You're actually mispronouncing it!" said the boy in a mocking voice. His two flunkies laughed. "Where are you from anyway, Twilight Dorkle?"

"Uh, well, technically I'm from an alternate dimension, although I'd appreciate it if you didn't go spreading that around--"

"I'm from an alternate dimension and I'd appreciate it if you didn't go spreading it around!" mocked the unicorn. "I'm Twilight Dorkle, look at me, I come from an alternate dimension and I'm stupid and my face is stupid and my Mom gave me this stupid name because she's stupid and I'm stupid too!"

His flunkies laughed.

"Yes, that's basically the gist of what I said, although you took some creative liberties with it there at the end--"

"Listen up, Dorkle!" snapped the unicorn. "We don't like nerds like you coming in from alternate dimensions and nerding up our school with your nerdiness. You'd better watch your back!"

"Uh, okay. Thanks for the advice, I guess."

"I'll see you around, Twilight Dorkle!"

And with that he turned and strode off down the hall, his flunkies laughing alongside him.

"Uh...that was...something," said Twilight. She turned to Harry Pothead. "I sure hope everyone else in this universe isn't going to act like that."

However, Harry Pothead had taken a rather large bong rip and was now lying on his back, listening to 2112 by Rush.

"That was Draco Malfoy," came an unfamiliar voice. "His father owns the land the school is built on, and so he thinks he can get away with murder."

Twilight looked up to see a cream-colored unicorn with a brown mane, wearing the school's uniform, standing in the doorway where the blond unicorn had been.

"I don't believe we've been introduced," said the newcomer. "My name is Hermionei Granger. I have a 4.0 grade point average and am fluent in seventeen languages. I also enjoy really violent sex. You must be the new transfer student I've heard so much about."

"What? Oh, yes. My name is Twilight Sparkle, and I just transferred here from another dimension. Although I'd appreciate it if you didn't go spreading that around."

"Yes, I heard you when you told Draco Malfoy the same thing. If it's supposed to be a secret you probably shouldn't go volunteering it to everypony who asks."

"Yeah, that makes sense. I was just never that good at making up cover stories. Let's just say that if anypony asks, I'm actually from Ponyville."

"It's perfectly fine with me," said Hermeioie. "Though if you're just going to make up a town you might want to come up with something that at least sounds real."

"I'm probably too lazy to do that."

"Well, suit yourself then."

"Hey actually, as long as you're here, do you happen to know a student at this school named Harry Potter?"

"Harry Potter? Yeah, I know him. What is your interest exactly?"

"Well, I'd appreciate it if you don't spread this around, but I'm actually here to make sure he doesn't get murdered."

"Oh. Well, if that's the case I can save you a bit of trouble."

"You can?"

"Yep. Harry Potter is dead. He was murdered this morning."

"Really?"

"Yep."

"Well, doesn't that just beat all?"

"Would you like to see his body?"

"Sure. Might as well, I guess."
Anonymous
024310b
?
No.357658
357659
>>357657
So Hermierm led her down the hall and up some stairs, then down another hall and down some more stairs, and then around several more halls and up a flight of stairs, which led to a hall that had a door at the end of it. Behind this door was another flight of stairs, only this one went in a spiral, and at the bottom of that was another hall which led to three more halls and a flight of stairs. Finally, they came to a bathroom, which was at the end of a hall between two flights of stairs.

"This is the boys' room, so it's a little gross in here," warned Hermomomeri.

She opened the door, and sure enough it was gross. There was a terrible smell, the source of which turned out to be the mutilated corpse of a unicorn with a black mane and glasses. He had been chopped up into several pieces and stuffed into one of the toilets. And if that's not edgy enough for you, his body had also been pooped on.

Chapter 9:

It was at this point that Twilight Sparkle began her investigation into the case of who killed Harry Potter and also the case of who clogged the shitter in the boys' room. She wasn't sure if the two cases were related, but she figured she should investigate both of them for consistency.

Unfortunately, Harry Pothead did not turn out to be a lot of help. Since arriving at Celestia's School for Wizards or Whatever the Fuck, he had done nothing except smoke weed and eat corn chips and listen to prog rock from the 1970s. Twilight was fairly certain he had not left the dorm room even once during the entire three weeks they had been at the school. Well, he hadn't left until now, that is. Now that she needed him, she discovered to her annoyance that he was not there.

Suddenly, the door opened, and Harry Pothead entered the room. Well, at least that was one mystery solved.

"Where were you?" demanded Twilight.

"I had to take a shit," replied Harry Pothead. "You would not believe how hard it is to find the bathroom in this place. Also, the toilet was clogged."

"Wait, do you mean the toilet with Harry Potter's body in it?"

"Yeah. Although his body is pretty much buried under crap and TP at this point."

"They still haven't cleaned that up yet?"

"Nope."

"Why didn't you just use a different toilet?"

"All the other toilets have dead bodies in them too."

"Wait, what?"

"Yeah, you know that Ron Weaseley kid? The unicorn with the orange mane? Someone decapitated him and stuffed him into the stall next to the one with Harry Potter in it. And the stall next to that has the remains of Neville Longbottom. There's like sixteen stalls in there and they all have dead students in them."

"Dang," said Twilight.

"Yeah, it's really inconvenient. It's getting to the point where nobody wants to take a crap in there anymore."

Before Twilight could respond, Hermemremeir appeared at the door.

"Hello, Twilight," she said. "Are you coming to the special assembly?"

"What special assembly?"

"Professor Dungledorb called a special assembly. He probably wants to talk about all of the murders that have been going on at the school lately."

"Hmm, that sounds like a pretty important assembly," said Twilight. "I'd better come along."

So Twilight came along. The two of them went down the hall, up a flight of stairs, down two more halls, down some stairs, up some more stairs, then they took a left down the hall, then a right, then three more lefts and a right. This led them to a hall which forked off in two directions. They took the left fork, which led them down a long hall, up some stairs, down another hall, down some more stairs, down even more stairs, down several more stairs, then up for a little bit, then down...down...down...and then up for a bit, then down, and then to a hall which led them to the school's auditorium.

A wizard pony with a beard was standing on the stage in front of the podium. The name Star Swirl the Bearded suddenly occurred to Twilight, but she didn't know why she thought that. This pony did not have anywhere near that silly a name; this pony was called Aldus Dimbledong.

However, much to Twilight's disappointment, it turned out that the assembly was not about the murders at all.

"Students," said Professor Dimpledoof, "I would like to introduce you to our newest instructor. This is Professor Snoop, he will be teaching our potions class."

"Hey y'all, snibbidy dibbidy," said Professor Snoop. Unlike most of the other students and faculty, Professor Snoop was not a unicorn. He was actually a tall lanky black guy with dreadlocks.

"He looks suspicious," muttered Twilight to herself. "I had better keep an eye on him."
Anonymous
024310b
?
No.357659
357660
>>357658
Chapter 10:

After the assembly, everyone had to go to the cafeteria to be sorted into their houses, because it had been like three weeks already and they hadn't done that yet.

"Hey there, Twilight Dorkle," came a familiar voice.

Twilight turned around to see the blond-maned unicorn, Draco Malfoy, standing there with his flunkies on either side of him.

"What do you want?" she asked.

"What house are you trying to get in, Dorkle? You'd better not be thinking of getting into Slytherin. That's the best house, all the best wizards go there, they don't allow nerds to join!"

His flunkies laughed. Twilight made an annoyed grunt.

"I don't really care which house I get into, honestly," she said. "I'm only at this school because I'm investigating the murders that have been going on."

"Oh yeah, I heard about that," said Draco. "I'll bet whoever is doing those murders is a total nerd. He probably couldn't even get into Hufflepuff. That's probably the house you're gonna end up in, Dorkle!"

His flunkies laughed. Twilight grunted again.

"Look, I don't really care which house I end up in, but if you see anything suspicious, I'd appreciate it if you'd please tell me. Whoever is doing the murders seems to be targeting males. You could be on his hit list for all you know."

Draco scoffed.

"There's no way some nerd is going to murder me," he said. "If some nerd tried to murder me, I'd just suck his dick in front of everyone. Then everyone at school would know that he was totally gay. Anyway, talk to you later, Twilight Dorkle. And don't even think about trying to get into House Slytherin, they don't let nerds in!"

He walked off, his laughing flunkies trailing behind him.

After that, the students were all lined up for the sorting ceremony. One by one, they were led to the front of the room, where Professor Dingledong would place the sorting hat on their head.

Soon it was Twilight's turn. The hat, which could talk for some reason, began mumbling to itself like an autist.

"Hmm, what have we here?" said the hat. "Yes, I sense great power in you, great power! You could grow to be a famous wizard some day. So, what house would be best for a promising student like you. Perhaps...yes...House Slytherin might do..."

"Um, if it's just the same to you, Mr. Hat, I really don't want to be in House Slytherin," said Twilight.

"Hmm?" said the hat. "Not Slytherin eh? But in Slytherin you could be great...possibly even the most powerful wizard who has ever lived..."

"Uh, well, the thing is sir, I actually don't give a rat's ass about any of this," said Twilight. "I'm just here on assignment. Plus, that Malfoy guy keeps talking about House Slytherin, and I'd really just as soon not get mixed up in whatever his deal is."

"Hmmmmm...interesting...." said the hat. "Well, if that's the case...I will place you in........Gryffindor!"

And the Gryffindor ponies cheered.

Chapter 11:

After the sorting ceremony, they had a big celebration with punch and pie. Twilight was standing in the corner, eating punch and pie, and looking around at the students, trying to figure out who the murderer was. So far she wasn't having much luck with this murder case.

"I'm really not having much luck with this murder case," she said to herself. She turned around to fill her punch cup, when she heard a familiar voice behind her.

"So, you made it into Gryffindor, eh Dorkle?"

Twilight sighed heavily, and turned to face Draco Malfoy and his flunkies.

"I don't really care that much, but yes; that stupid talking hat decided to put me in Gryffindor, so that's where I am I guess."

"I knew you'd end up in Gryffindor, Dorkle," said Draco. "All the losers get sorted into Gryffindor. I got into Slytherin. That's where all the real wizards are."

"Good for you," said Twilight mirthlessly.

Draco Malfoy reached out with his hoof and slapped at the cup of punch she'd just filled. It spilled all over the floor.

"Oops!" he said. His flunkies laughed.

"What the fuck is your problem anyway?" Twilight demanded. She used her horn to levitate herself another cup of punch, because she was a unicorn and could do that. Actually, I think they're all unicorns. It's getting hard to keep track of this shit. Anyway whatever; she got herself some more punch.

"My problem is dorks like you, dorking up the school with dorkery," said Draco. "This school is full of dorks now; it's like they just let any dork enroll here."

"They literally do let any dork enroll," Twilight pointed out. "All you have to do is pay the fifty bucks for tuition. My roommate Harry Pothead made the Dean's List already, and he hasn't done anything except smoke pot and listen to Pink Floyd records since he got here."

"Back in my grandfather's time, they had standards," scoffed Draco. "They only let pureblood wizards join the academy. Now they just take any muggle that applies. There's muggles all over this school now. My father would be rolling in his grave if he were dead!"

"What the fuck is a muggle?"

"My father owns this school, did you know that, Dorkle?" continued Malfoy as if he hadn't heard her. "He wants to just bulldoze it and make it into a parking lot, or maybe an apothecary or a haberdasher, since this is supposed to be a steampunk world I think. Maybe I should let him; the school is full of muggles now anyway. What do you think about that, Dorkle?"

"I really don't give a shit either way," said Twilight. "Anyway, I really need to get back to solving this murder case--"

"Are you going out for quidditch this term, Dorkle?" demanded Malfoy.

"What the fuck is quidditch?"

"Yeah, you shouldn't even bother. You'd just embarrass yourself. The Gryffindor team hasn't won a game of quidditch in 200 years."

"Good to know," said Twilight. "I probably won't bother with it, then."

"See you on the quidditch field, Dorkle!" said Malfoy, walking away with his laughing flunkies in tow.
Anonymous
024310b
?
No.357660
357675
>>357659
Chapter 12:

The weeks went by. Twilight got an A on her potions exam, Harry Pothead made the President's List despite continuing to do little beyond smoking pot and exploring the prog rock of the 1970s, and all the while the bodies continued to pile up in the boys' restroom. The restroom was now so full of dead bodies that it was completely unusable; students had taken to defecating in a nearby broom closet. However, despite all of this, Twilight was no closer to solving the case.

That all changed one afternoon, when Herimimieomnemey came barging into their room.

"Twilight," said Hermeimromomy. "You have to come quick!"

"You want it done quick, or you want it done right?" demanded Twilight, annoyed at being interrupted.

"No, that's not what I'm talking about," said Herimimimy. "Draco Malfoy just made an announcement!"

Twilight allowed herself to be led out into the hall, down a flight of stairs, up another hall, down another hall, up a flight of stairs, down two more halls, down three more flights of stairs, up another flight of stairs, and then out to a fork in the hall, where she took a left, four rights, two lefts, a left, a right, two more lefts, and a right. She now stood in front of a bulletin board.

"What am I looking at?" she demanded.

"Read this," said Hernomimone, pointing at a large flyer that had been stapled over a bunch of missing persons reports.

"'To whom it may concern,'" read Twilight aloud. "'Luscious Malfoy, owner of the Property at 1802 South Polyestrus Way, Canterlot, has decreed that said Property shall be Demolished no later than March the 10th, whereupon a Permit has been granted to construct a Dining and Dancing establishment. Liquor license pending.' Okay, so?"

"So?!?" cried Hermioingenif. "Don't you see what this means?"

"Yeah, they're going to bulldoze the academy. So what?"

"So what? So what?!? This means the end of Hogwarts!"

"I thought this place was called 'Celestia's School for Horse Wizards' or something like that?"

"It is, but that's not the point. Here, read this one!"

She pointed to another flyer:

Attention Dorks and Muggles:

As you all probably know, my father, Luscious Malfoy, is planning to bulldoze your stupid magic school so he can build a gay dance club. Personally I think he should, since this place is all full of dorks and muggles now anyway and it's become totally lame. But I have talked to my father, and he has agreed to offer us a chance to save our school.

On March 9, the day before my father intends to demolish Hogwarts School for Celestia's Magical Horse Pupils and Whatever and begin construction on Club Manhole, there will be a quidditch game between House Gryffindor and House Slytherin. If Gryffindor can manage to beat us, my father has agreed not to demolish the school. However, I have added one condition: Twilight Dorkle has to be Team Gryffindor's captain.

So what do you say, Dorkle? Are you man enough to face me on the quidditch field? Or will you chicken out like you always do? Buck buck buck buck buck.

See you on the quidditch field, Dorkle!

Sincerely,
Draco Malfoy

PS - you'd better not chicken out, Dorkle!


Twilight read the flyer and sighed.

"Look, Hermimermier," she said. "I know you really like this stupid magic school for whatever reason, but I really don't want to get involved in this. Plus, I've never played quidditch before. I don't even know what it is."

"That's okay," said Hermeirmeroemy. "I can teach you."

"The game is on March 9," Twilight pointed out. "Today's March 8. We literally have less than 24 hours."

"That's okay. We can do a montage."

"I don't have time for a montage. I have to work on this murder case."

"But that's just it!" cried Hermiomaiemey. "I think I might have a lead on the murder case for you."

"You do?"

"Yeah. I've been digging around, and I've found a trapdoor in the East tower that's being guarded by a three-headed dog."

"So? There are trapdoors and three-headed dogs all over this school."

"Yes, but this one is special. This trapdoor is housing the Sorcerer's Stone. It's an ancient relic forged in the fires of Hades, that can grant immortality and absolute power to whosoever possesses it--"

"I don't really give a shit about all that," Twilight cut in. "What does it have to do with the murder case?"

"Well, I've been snooping around," said Hermionoromony, "And I think it's the Stone that the murderer is after. I've got it narrowed down to a couple of suspects, but I'm not sure who it is yet."

"Well, that's the closest thing I've had to a lead since enrolling here," admitted Twilight. "But I still don't see why this means I have to join the quidditch team."

"Because we can use the Sorcerer's Stone to catch the murderer, but we can only do that if the school doesn't get demolished. And the only way to stop the school from getting demolished is for you to become Gryffindor's team captain so we can beat Slytherin."

"Yeah, I guess that makes sense. What the hell; I'm sold I guess. Teach me what the fuck quidditch is, and then teach me to play quidditch."

Heormeirm led Twilight through a corridor into a hallway, and from there to a concourse, beyond which lay a gallery. This led to a staircase, which went up for several flights, down several more flights, sideways for a little while, then up some more, until they came to a junction. They went left, right, left, left, right, left, up for some reason, through a series of air vents, then down, then forward, then right, then left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, then right. This brought them to a staircase, which went up for a little while and then down, ultimately terminating in a door which led to the athletic field.

Once outside, they did a montage, and Twilight Sparkle learned how to play quidditch.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
024310b
?
No.357668
357675 357721
>>357500
Best advice I can give you is that humor and satire are generally better vehicles for political commentary than heavy-handed drama. Try to highlight the absurdities in your opponents' views whenever possible, and prioritize making the reader laugh over browbeating them with your own views. Just aim for creating something funny that highlights the absurdity of a debate over actively engaging in the debate itself.

>>357546
>That was pretty funz, even with my cursory poke-knowledge.
I actually don't know that much about Pokemon either, I pretty much just relied on general knowledge and Wikipedia. Someone with more Poke-knowledge than I have could probably take this same idea and do more with it, it's just a matter of getting the hang of it.

>>357543
Not bad. It's a little hard to follow in places, but overall I like the tongue-in-cheek humor of it. I also like that it doesn't devolve into a 90-page rant about Jews or Pokemon or Pokejews the way your writing usually does. You've written a self-contained scene that executes a premise from start to finish without running too long or going off the rails. Nice work here. You should keep doing more short pieces like this and see what you can come up with.
Anonymous
1ff57b3
?
No.357675
>>357660
I love that you're giving Quidditch a reason to exist in this story. In the original I suspect it was only there because Rowling saw kids playing Football or Rugby or Rounders in the books about british kids going to boarding schools and thought
>What a silly dangerous game for kids to get so worked up about!
>I'd better invent a sillier and more dangerous game explicitly about avoiding heavy balls that home in on you, smacking heavy balls at enemy players with a bat, and doing all of this miles above the ground on sticks, and...
>oh fuck I don't know how to make Harry Potter a star in a ball game because I'm unfamiliar with sports anime.
>Better make him play a completely different ball game at the same time chasing a little golden nugget to instantly win the game with +150 points.
>Or instantly end the game in a loss if your team is has 160 fewer points than the other team when you catch the Snitch".
>>357668
Thank you! I asked myself what could make the story of Vader interesting and relevant to Luke's story, and I thought making Vader the bad cop in a good cop bad cop buddy cop duo would solve part of that. The dialogue can still keep that mystical otherworldly Star Warsy quality to it, no need to drop that. He can even have douchey moments like the ones Luke had at the start of his third film when he was in danger of falling to the dark side. Probably more of them.
In this Anakin is a reckless dangerous hero with a heart of gold and a fierce temper willing to violate protocol to save lives, take risks, violate the letter of the law for the sake of its spirit. He's done smuggling and bounty hunting to save his mom in slavery, that's cooler than being a podracer boy who blows up a space station accidentally.
I can see a positive growth arc where Obi-Wan becomes less of a stick in the mud and more of a creative thinker like he was in the Clone Wars cartoon, while Anakin calms down and learns to think shit through. The best bits of the Clone Wars cartoon should have been in the movies so more people would see them, it'd be better than trying to follow that retarded cartoon that TELLS ITS STORY OUT OF ORDER WHAT WERE THEY THINKING
Then, when things go wrong, tragically, Anakin starts backsliding into his old self and gets worse as things get worse, and Obi-Wan feels for him because they've really bonded. "Anakin, no!" wouldn't just be a meme any more.
Though there's still the problem that his love story and seduction to the dark side was retardedly artificial.
Maybe if Anakin's wife was a girl Jedi instead of a boring princess to protect, she could do cool shit and the two could bond as they go on epic space adventures.
No need to segregate romance scenes and cool scenes in that case.
Anakin's wife could be a padawan, perhaps. Someone like Ahsoka?
Yeah, combine Ahsoka and Padme Amigdala (i looked her name up) into one character named Padme Amigdala. Former princess of Naboo, she quit to become a Jedi because her mom's an overly controlling asshole and her dad's a powerless spineless cuck politician.
Making her a human woman or exotic orange alien is optional. This could have been THE alien-fucker movie before Avatar.
Though even without that change, one change is needed far more.
A premonition that Padme might die in childbirth isn't enough.
Not enough to justify Anakin fucking speedrunning the downward spiral for vague powers that may or may not somehow save her.
Maybe if Anakin's wife was actually dying of Space Cancer, and the Jedi were all "It is her time. The way of the force, this is. Noble in life, was she. Let's not try to save her. Her death is beautiful and mystical and it'd be a shame to spoil it with risky medical procedures that may kill her on the operating table instead of letting her die in a Jedi temple. Only a Sith clings to life".
Wait, no, that's too much.
It's enough for her to be dying of cancer while the Jedi are just douchebags unable to offer Anakin any words more helpful than "A real Jedi would let go", and the disease is incurable with any kind of modern medicine and Jedi magic, as the medical droids trying their best to save her say...
but then Evil Emperor "Creamy" Sheev Palpatine aka Darth Sideous says something Anakin wants to hear.
>"There is a way. An old Jedi ritual. It is described in this book found in the forbidden Jedi archives only the true masters know of."
>"Those bastards! I knew they were hiding something from me! There is a way to save my wife!"
>"Gather six sinners- I mean Separatists and cast Life Drain to save your wife."
>"Life Drain? Isn't that a Sith technique?"
>"Only when performed by a Sith for ignoble means. You want to save your wife and bring balance to the force by destroying the Separatists, yes? The Force will understand. My spies have discovered where they are. Now defeat each enemy in an epic series of fights that could sustain a whole movie full of epic action, slap these electrocution handcuffs on them when they are defeated, and bring them here."
Anakin does as he is told.
Cleans up the Separatist movement, kills anyone who could have ever ratted out the ballsack man in a black cloak.
Then when Anakin finds out he only sustained his wife long enough to give birth, and used a Sith spell, he is horrified.
Then when she finds out she can be horrified. And instead of dying from a broken heart, or randomly getting choked, she can die because she doesn't want any more Life Draining going on.
And then Anakin and Obi Wan have their duel, because Obi-Wan wants to jail Anakin for law violations.
Maybe one good Jedi got killed along the way for getting in Anakin's way and trying to arrest him even though it would mean letting Padme die.
And that's why Obi-Wan's willing to arrest him.
Fucking "killing younglings" was retarded.
I have no idea how to make that less retarded. Maybe make it a Trolley Problem moment where he has to pick the lesser of two evils, saves the spaceship with his wife on it, then finds out there were kids on the spaceship he didn't save.
Anonymous
1ff57b3
?
No.357699
>>357498
Nobody praised this yet but this was the perfect amount of media knowledge to require to understand the story.
Team Rocket's bad, Ash and Pikachu and Misty are good, Magikarp and Bidoof fucking suck, some Pokemon like Legendaries and Pseudolegendaries are strong.
Anyone can be expected to know this or pick it up from context clues.
Even if you had an encyclopedic knowledge of pokemon and obscure pokemon memes and forum exclusive inside jokes, I think this was the perfect way to tell the story without cluttering it up with trivia like the "F.E.A.R. Rattata" strategy or the Prankster Riolu Dig Cheese or the old Skill Swap Slaking trick. And there is no autistic rant about Comfey and Flamigo or Zacian and Spectrier and power creep or how you'd "Give Hoenn a 7.8 out of 10 because it has too much water". Hoenn doesn't have too much water, the continent is a yin yang that's about 50% water and that's beautiful, though some of the later water and underwater routes could have used some improvement, diving underwater through a coral reef would have been epic.
The story lasted as long as it needed to for the point it was trying to make and didn't do shit bad fanfictions do where the author wants to shoehorn EVERYTHING in (Like Fallout Equestria with Mr House and the Geck and the early mission to kill RadScorpions) or namedrop retarded fanon names like Past Sins or set up future sequels for a "Verse" that would never be like Chatoyance's Gregoria story or explain away plot holes like "How does Tenpenny Tower feed itself without existing on trade routes or producing anything?" or "Why doesn't every ninja just use the Teleport and Log Substitution Jutsu technique to escape literally every attack instead of using them sparingly?".
Anonymous
056a94c
?
No.357721
357776
>>357668
Anyway, GG, no stress or anything just wanna say that I'm hyped in for the next chapter of our collab. I said that I would be busy up to 21 so it wouldn't be too weird for someone to assume that still busy, but I'm not. I'm ready and eager! Willing even.
But again, there's no hurry.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
024310b
?
No.357776
357778
>>357721
I'm going to try and finish it up this week. I meant to last week, but I had some other stuff going on and I didn't end up getting much of anything done.
Anonymous
e13937b
?
No.357778
>>357776
That's good good.
Anonymous
1ff57b3
?
No.357781
357783
>be hero protagonist man who wakes up and works on his parents farm at 6AM with mom and dad
>takes your little sister to school before going to your job and working hard
>best friends are good people
>all the other tables are full of niggers and faggots paid just as much as them or more for doing less work
>whites have to unfuck something the taconiggers fucked up
>the female workers are also bitches
>she reports the hero and tries getting him fired for saving her life because it made her feel like a faggot somehow or something, the inner machinations of the feminist mind are an enigma
>walks his sister home and she complains about the jewshit propaganda at school or how she is being bullied for being white
>goes to his second job at a bar
>talk to barmaid colleague who whines about the sexy maid outfit she has to wear
>he pretends to listen while staring at her gorgeous pillowy mounds of perfect plump fuckflesh. Big bouncy boobies.
>arrive at the bar
>muslims got here first
"Fuck, they blew it up."
>>"Those fucking dicks."
>she calls 9/11
>call boss, tell him what happened and ask if you still have to come in to work when the building is rubble
>he says no
>go home alone and spot a white woman being attacked by a rape gang and shoot the niggers
>ask if she's alright and she screams and runs away
>goes home and feels bad
"Fuck this gay earth."
>he falls asleep listening to bossa nova
>story ends

Am I doing it right? Feels too tragic and miserable.

What if I wrote a basic adventure story's good vs evil plot, but I relied on "lmao libtards are clearly being wrong and stupid again" for comic relief?
And every time the politicians got in the way of heroism or created problems it was because they're dumb libtards or pure evil pretending to be libtarded.
And the party contained a tranny Jar Jar Binks.
Jar Jar Twinks.
Instead of stepping in shit and doing clumsy retard shit in the background he does gay shit in the background and says horny retard shit and nobody in the party trusts him around kids of either sex or the elderly.
Anonymous
6c09a87
?
No.357783
357810
>>357781
>Am I doing this right?
What are you trying to do?
So stealing some writing elements from other free online sources There are four main parts of story.
>Then:
>Is telling, it's a sequence of events, no engagement required.
Then this happened then this happened then this happened ect.
>And:
>Multiple stuff at the same time.
Pretty self explanatory and has other uses.
>But:
>The Conflict the Engagment the Required step needed for stuff to occur. It's any challenge big or small.
<But follows after the goal/desire. Such as have a nice day.
I'll type this up so it'll be useful, but my weenis is getting in the way.
>Therefore:
>The End result of attempting to resolve a But by engaging or not engaging and what happens. It's Consequence thus Motion thus its Action's Reaction.
I'll type this up so it'll be useful, but my weenis is getting in the way. Therefore I fail as my weenis is still in the way.

If you want your story to be a terrible miserable slog fest sure.
You have the antithesis now what is the solution so the story isn't just grim all the time. You could embrace it in full.
Remember everything follows the Action Curve. That means people's everything is not linear (a straight line). It's like a playground Slide or a water park Slide.
There is the build up, walking up the stairs.
There is the inciting incident, at the top about to take the plunge.
There is the climax, wooshing down.
There is the cooling down period, where a person finds their feet as the experience ends resolved.

Tragedy and miserable also follows this formula. You need the four parts to go higher without burning the audience.
Fact is everything follows that formula and things that don't grate on the subconscious.
There is also one other thing to consider because everything follows this pattern all emotions can cycle giving time for one or more to cool off while experiencing something else.

Just how big is the farm because some are full day commitments starting fuck all early like Three in the morning to late at night. Not all of them it also depends on what is grown and the down time.
Anonymous
1ff57b3
?
No.357810
357815
>>357783
I don't know what size the farm is. What farm would be an appropriate size for this? A farming family struggling to make ends meet sends their eldest son to two jobs. He dreams of being a mechanic. But for that he must go to college. He can't afford college. College is a luxury squandered on the leftist """intelligentsia"" with degrees in feminist lies.
Anonymous
6c09a87
?
No.357815
357829
>>357810
>mechanic
>college
Typically Trade jobs have two paths.
On the job training.
Trade school with on the job training.
If it's more manufacturing on a large scale thing it might be an mechanical engineering degree maybe.
I'd suggest researching more about it so it's more accurate. So you can hit real specific problems and if there is a solution.
You could hand wave it away saying it's just not doing well.
Large farms have farming equipment tractors harvesters all sorts of mechanical shit. So good shit is Easy to open up and replace because otherwise crops or animal operations are totally fucked.
If the parents had a farm and lets say it'd their first generation farm they might have had access to the robust shit of the past.
A traditional farm not apartment micro 'farm' bullshit.
Typically this is more of a US thing because land size is big. Farms are by other farms with a small town for local stuff, as in pretty fucking far away. This has two advantages. There should be fewer nonlocal shitskins. The second is you live with your peers.
Admittedly there are lots of bullshit stacked against farmers because they are practically self sufficient.
It can be considered a wide business with multiple pools of knowledge and experience required. But picking it up is viable.
Also school in these rural areas aren't like cities.
I'm not sure how I can explain it. Just like everyone knows everyone, everybody knows everybody.
Sending a kid to school in the city is cruel.
I'm sure you can chalk it up to political laws and stuff in story.
Anonymous
1ff57b3
?
No.357829
>>357815
Do you think my story should have a scene where a liberal is overheard bullshitting another liberal about white privilege while visibly ignoring all the blatant signs of nigger and jew privilege around him?
Anonymous
1ff57b3
?
No.357932
I've been a fool.

Something explicitly political from the outset will be noticed as such and rejected by anyone who could have learned something from it. It cannot be explicitly political in nature. It can't end with the death of a tyrant and the death of his bad economic policies when 99% of the RPG audience think Economics is spelled UUDDLRLRABS.

I need to be subtle with my biases, even though I think I am an unbiased normal human who's normal to say "Freedom is good and the Epsteins in power are evil". Someone used to a lifetime of propagandization will think freedom is bad and the Epsteins visibly in power are victims of invisible white power. If my story is to reach that kind of person my stories must be short and subtle.

My stories are still trying to cram too much into too small a space. These are big ideas that need more room to breathe.

How many words did Lord Of The Rings take to write a thesis on power, goodness overcoming evil, and what separates good from evil? How many minutes did the movies, and the extended versions of these movies, take to convey these ideas?

Even a 100 hour RPG would struggle to contain this much intellectual content when so many 100 hour RPGs actually have mind numbingly simple stories that make My Immortal look like good writing while the gameplay makes Raid Shadow Legends look like a good game.

People mock the Metal Gear series for having overly talkative cutscenes. Mostly because the writing is fucking atrocious, overly wordy and self indulgent, and full of signs the author only watched movies and never read any book that didn't also have a movie. But also because the writing keeps getting in the way of gameplay. And the one time it didn't, in MGSV, there was basically no writing, just shit that happens sometimes while you are constantly lied to for no rhyme or reason. (Maybe Hideki Kojima thought the theme of 1984 was lies?)

What are the most vital things to positively propagandize people on? What is THE most important thing? Where should I truly focus my efforts? If there is one idea I want people to play Fire Emblem: Destiny Gladiator to walk away with, what should it be?
Anonymous
1011bd0
?
No.358120
358191
Pony related post this time as I'm trying to write FIM fiction again...

Who are the Mane Six?

I saw every FIM episode up to about season 5 or 6 or 7... hard to remember which is which but I think I dropped the show completely before the replacement mane six showed up but after Trixie was brought back to be Starlight's accessory.

The characterization of these characters is so inconsistent, and there are no character arcs outside of headcanons. At first Twilight panics under pressure sometimes and Fluttershy is shy sometimes. Then Twilight usually doesn't panic under pressure and Fluttershy is sometimes there. For every scene where a character is a certain way there are two more where the character is the opposite. Applejack got flanderized into a meme character written by retards who think she should be a dumb redneck hillbilly who hates some food and loves other food.

I have no idea how to write the mane six in my story. Who am I to look at some scenes in episodes I liked and say "canon" while looking at other scenes and saying "not canon, not to my story"? I know I want to cut unnecessary BS by cutting the friendship students and trixie and glimmer and discord and shimmer and the human world and the changelings and all the other crap, but the story opens with Twilight thinking "this crystal castle is dumb, being a princess is dumb gay homofaggotry, secretly I'm very lonely" and ends with her making a better magic library and marrying and getting pregnant and figuring out a way to use her newfound status and power and wealth for the good of all. That's an arc. Still, if I cut the castle and alicorn wings, that means I can spend more time focusing on the human relationship at the core of the story. Not that the animals are human but you know what I mean.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
15b7557
?
No.358173
358176 358275
f023f16ca7d61fb11cd003f603c437ba.jpg
Sven, I know you said no hurry and I'm taking you at your word there, but either way I swear it's going to get done this week.
Anonymous
442b482
?
No.358176
z.gif
>>358173
>I swear it's going to get done this week
Anonymous
1011bd0
?
No.358186
358188 358191
Are the following places so pozzed I can't talk openly about hating niggers and wanting to write stories about my hatred for niggers where the white heroes have to stop the evil niggers?

Writer's Café (writerscafe.org)
Scribophile (scribophile.com)
Critique Circle (critiquecircle.com)
NaNoWriMo (nanowrimo.org)
Writer Access (writeraccess.com)
Anonymous
3458716
?
No.358188
358222
>>358186
How have other sites reacted to your opinions? I went to mumsnet and said that I don't like troony juice and scored some mummy milf minge eventually. Try mumsnet, m8.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
15b7557
?
No.358191
>>358120
>Who are the Mane Six?
Part of the reason this show lends itself so well to fanfiction is that the characters are based around simple concepts, yet each one has a distinct and believable personality derived from her character concept, as well as a set of strengths and weaknesses derived from that personality. You can mine all six of these characters for as much or as little depth as your story requires. You can take them in a serious direction, a silly direction, an edgelord direction; they have character attributes that can be put to nearly any use.

Core Concepts:
>Fluttershy
Shy, quiet girl
>Twilight
Serious-student girl
>Dash
Athletic girl
>Pinkie
Bubbly exuberant girl
>Rarity
Girly girl
>Applejack
Country girl

Personalities:
>Fluttershy
Caring and empathetic
>Twilight
Nerd with OCD
>Dash
Arrogant extrovert
>Pinkie
Joyful lunatic
>Rarity
Sophisticated socialite
>Applejack
Family-oriented and hard-working

Strengths/Weaknesses:
>Fluttershy
Cares deeply about others but often lets them walk all over her. Has trouble expressing herself.
>Twilight
Highly intelligent and motivated but tends to get consumed by her studies, often neglects or ignores those around her. Has a tendency to overreact to small problems and blow them out of proportion.
>Dash
Strong, loyal, motivated, but these same traits can cause her to become overly competitive and petty. Often fails to take the feelings of others into consideration and can hurt her friends without intending to.
>Pinkie
Extroverted to a fault. The opposite of Fluttershy; she can't not express herself. Has trouble recognizing and respecting the boundaries of others.
>Rarity
Glamorous and sophisticated, as well as a bit shallow. Similar to Dash in that the same qualities that help her make friends easily often cause her to alienate or step over them without intending to. Like Dash, she can also be overly competitive at times, though it manifests differently.
>Applejack
Cares deeply about family, community and tradition. Has a stubborn streak. Is sometimes unwilling or unable to see others' points of view.

Also worth noting is that their "elements" are derived from their strengths, and that each element has an inversion that corresponds to their respective weaknesses:

>Fluttershy
Kindness, but she turns into a vindictive cunt if she gets mad enough
>Twilight
Magic (of friendship), but if she hadn't ventured out of her shell and made friends, she would have likely devoted herself to just Magic (of magic); or in other words, power for the sake of power. Without discovering friendship, she might have turned evil (a la Glimmer), or else just become bitter and lonely (a la Moondancer).
>Dash
Loyalty, but her competitiveness can drive her towards simply wanting to win for the sake of winning.
>Pinkie
Laughter, but also manic-depression.
>Rarity
Generosity, which her social-climber tendency can transform into greed.
>Applejack
Honesty, but sometimes she's too blunt or too set in her ways.

This is pretty much all you need to know about any of these characters in order to write about them. Don't worry too much about the details of canon. Personally I reserve the right to modify or flat-out ignore canon as I see fit.

>>358186
>Are the following places so pozzed I can't talk openly about hating niggers and wanting to write stories about my hatred for niggers where the white heroes have to stop the evil niggers?
As a general rule, opening a conversation with "I hate niggers" is considered a faux pas in most circles. This probably would apply to most of the communities you mention. If you absolutely must broach the subject, you should try to phrase it more politely. For instance, instead of saying "Goddammit, that nigger just stole my bike!" try saying: "My stars! That melanin-enriched individual seems to have absconded with my velocipede!"
Anonymous
1011bd0
?
No.358219
358570 358571 358572 358573
Been a long time since I wrote anything pony.
https://ponepaste.org/8594

But here's a short cute one-shot about Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle. Please let me know what you think of it and how I can improve.
Anonymous
a79b949
?
No.358222
358225 358229
>>358188
Well, it's just February now. But this has got to be the most painfully obvious samefag I've seen this year.
Anonymous
999cca0
?
No.358225
358230
>>358222
Estoy de acuerdo. ¡Nigel está siendo un maricón!
Anonymous
1011bd0
?
No.358229
358231 358232
>>358222
That guy isn't me. You know VPNs can change the country you seem to be from, right?
Anonymous
1011bd0
?
No.358230
>>358225
Chacaron macaron por favor?
Anonymous
229e0fe
?
No.358231
358234 358235
>>358229
Sure thing. Let's just hope it's not like that "pokemon-fag" fren from yours. Screencaping his own name. Guess there's more than one Jason on Britain.
Feel free to falseflag me, your narcissism will get the better of you on the long run. Again.
Anonymous
3458716
?
No.358232
358233
1906607.png
>>358229
'Ello again, mate. 'Ave ya troid mumsnet yet? It's full o' terfy vixens. Oi'd suggest all wroitfags check et out.
Anonymous
442b482
?
No.358233
>>358232
>pic
Awesome.
Anonymous
1011bd0
?
No.358234
358236 358237
>>358231
If you unironically think that guy's me I don't know what to say to you. Why would I post this? What does AI posting have to do with this?
Also did you like my pony fic? It's got Rainbow Dash in it.
Anonymous
999cca0
?
No.358235
2570736.jpg
>>358231
Vete a la mierda, maricón. Deja de hacerte pasar por mí.
Me distrae de follarme a mi hermana y de ser un sociópata llamado Carlos.
>narcisismo
Sigue siendo gay y haré que mi padre despliegue todo su ejército autista y toda su madera contra ti.
Anonymous
a79b949
?
No.358236
1572660371278 (1).png
>>358234
Uh...I take that back.
Anonymous
3458716
?
No.358237
358258
>>358234
WILL YOU GO TAH MUMSNET, YOU AUTISTIC NUTTER!? OI'VE BEEN PASTIN' YOR WROITFAG TRASH THERE AND OI GOT DM'S FROM MUMMY MILFS WIFF BIG KNACKAHS. OI'M TROING TO 'ELP (YOU) GET SOME PUSSEH.
Anonymous
1011bd0
?
No.358258
358259
>>358237
I already have a girlfriend but fuck it, visiting mumsnet could be fun.
Anonymous
ac013c1
?
No.358259
358265
>>358258
Tulpas don't count, anon.
It's been firmly established that am a hack, but I guess I owe you a review.
Anonymous
1011bd0
?
No.358265
358271
>>358259
My tulpa likes my girlfriend too.
Anonymous
93103ff
?
No.358271
358279
>>358265
Is this "girlfriend" in the room with us right now?
Anonymous
1e6c07d
?
No.358275
>>358173
Get away from me! I don't believe in you anymore! Desu!
Anonymous
1011bd0
?
No.358279
358281
>>358271
What's made this so unbelievable? Is it the fact that this woman's actually a good person or the fact that she sees something of value in me? I've been in relationships with women before, they all just ended badly for me. But this one's different. I can feel it. Anyway, you can believe what you want. Did you like that pony story?
Anonymous
229e0fe
?
No.358281
358286
>>358279
Mine's just a bantz of sorts fren. Don't want to derail this thread even further. I've read your story but I don't have much to say. The dialogues are miles ahead compared to what you did in lionheart's, that one's for sure. I did enjoyed it, even if it was dykeshit.
Anonymous
1011bd0
?
No.358286
358295
>>358281
I know we're just joking around. What made the dialogue good in this one?

And did the Lionheart story get a breakdown? Looking back, it was shit for a lot of reasons. Predatory animals in a vault full of furries don't work as the victims in a society unless they just want to be left alone to farm in the countryside away from herbiwhore cities, the hero being born a lion before becoming a Unicorn was gay, the Twilight Sparkle hook wasn't strong enough, the hook with Twilight fleeing from Raiders before the hero showed up except it was all a story was ruined by poor pacing and unfunny meta humor, calling FOE gay openly turned away any FOE fans who might have read it, attaching it to FOE and ponies turned away anyone not into both of these niche interests, and a freed wolf is cool but a freed lion is dangerous so lions make shit protagonists.

But what was wrong with the dialogue in that story?
Anonymous
229e0fe
?
No.358295
358306
1573754934970.png
>>358286
>But what was wrong with the dialogue in that story?
It was dissected by GG. If memory serves me right, it was something like this>>>
Basically, they were very long paragraphs. They seemed more like rants and shitposts, instead of something an actual person would say in the middle of a conversation.

>What made the dialogue good in this one?
It was a lot more natural in my opinion. No tiresome, long-winded paragraphs in it.

>the Twilight Sparkle hook wasn't strong enough
I think the hook itself was pretty good. GG praised it as well. But yeah, the scene with the teacher was pretty awful.
Anonymous
1011bd0
?
No.358306
358573
>>358295
Yeah, you're right. Twilight and RD doing science together, RD fucking up and feeling bad, something explodes because a story isn't complete if nothing explodes, RD confessing her true feelings, it flowed better when I wasn't looking for opportunities to dump exposition about the world, the backstory, stuff outside the scene. This is an intimate moment between two characters we're all familiar with. Nobody has any reason to rant about the government.

This is a political episode of a kid's cartoon about Guantanamo Bay. Is this a good way to write political messages?
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dV_ZvmQwon8&list=PL8Ofi2Gjf74GFrz5JFX2PbKRXgyyoTwHq&index=29
An alien was held for a long time, he dindu nuffin, his home was taken over by a dictator while he was away and his wife and kid were killed. So he wants to kill the guy he deems responsible but ends up begging for death. And by giving the hero a new powerup, a form who looks just like him, the character and his message permanently becomes a part of the series's continuity even if he never shows up again. We never even learn the guy's name. To these people and to us he is always prisoner 69 or whatever.
Anonymous
1011bd0
?
No.358350
358573
>write about cool dragons
>in a country with history inspired by real events revealed over time
A Proofreader: This history is unrealistically off-puttingly awful to those who don't know and way too recognizable to those who know. Just stay away from goblinoids and mock libtards, it's safer and more likely to change minds. And stop playing things straight with the melodrama and angst and grim dialogue, watch some marvel movies and learn to write funnier dialogue. Shallow parodies make the audience feel smarter than whatever is being parodied, why do you think Rick and Morty rips off so many nostalgiashit movies and calls this parody?"

Is he right?
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
314afea
?
No.358386
358453
All right, in the hopes that this text will someday work its way over to mumsnet and land me the attentions of some mummy milfs with big knackahs, here is the updated version of my collab with Sven:

https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/SyZdTa3rj

Apologies again for the delay. I had some trouble thinking up where to go next with the Anon/Flurry Heart story, so instead I just introduced some new characters and plotlines and made things more complicated. Hopefully you enjoy.
Anonymous
b9bcf1c
?
No.358453
358557
>>358386
Have read it GG. Great stuff although the orange filly thing was a bit iffy to me at first, I have figured out a way to work with it. Will elaborate at another date.
Love what you did with my throw-away character. c:
Anonymous
1011bd0
?
No.358478
ROjxjO1tWnEK.jpeg
FoTtAdTWIAIu87X.jpeg
UQUy2KoUWysl.jpeg
2Huf8fY9xj3f.jpeg
8jcats.jpg
Good morning. Reality is still so terrible that shoehorning mention of it into a story makes people cry "Unrealistic! Too edgy and grimdark!".
Anonymous
1011bd0
?
No.358522
358570 358573
Those fucking jews are brainwashing people with government funded (aka taxpayer funded) propaganda networks https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_3aRPxZbGRc

I need to write my stories faster, improve their quality, and write about stuff people actually want to read these days.
Video games are still selling more than books. Good thing I know how to code, draw, and animate. But if these games will have stories, I need to improve my writing so it can save lives.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
15b7557
?
No.358557
>>358453
Nice, glad you enjoyed it. I wasn't entirely sure if the second filly angle would work or not, but I think it could be a funny direction for the story to go. I honestly kind of like her now that I've written the scene out. If worst comes to worst we can always kill the character off or something.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
15b7557
?
No.358570
358571
1675648395568137.jpg
>>358522
>I need to write my stories faster, improve their quality, and write about stuff people actually want to read these days.
>I need to improve my writing so it can save lives.
Focus on learning to walk first.

Case in point:

>>358219
This is better than most of what I've read from you thus far, insofar as it is free of the massive block-paragraph speeches and tangents and long off-topic rants and terrible, cringe-worthy jokes that usually plague your stories. I get the impression it's meant to be kind of a satire of shipping stories, and it more or less accomplishes that, albeit rather clumsily. The cutesy childish prose and the lovey-dovey dialogue between Twilight and Rainbow Dash pokes fun at this type of writing without overdoing it. You do a better job of reining yourself in and keeping your jokes and references subtle, so nice job there.

The main issue I found with this story is that it doesn't seem to have a point. You've probably heard the term "character arc" before. The basic idea is that a character starts off in one place, the events of the story proceed, and by the end she's in a different place: her circumstances are different, or she's learned something/grown, etc. In MLP, the arc conclusion is usually the "today I learned" at the end of the episode. You've got one of those in here, but the "lesson" Dash learns doesn't seem to be the story's main focus.

You seem to be pulling yourself in two different directions. On the one hand, you have this odd romantic scene in which Twi and Dash confess their feelings for each other...or something. On the other, you have this story about a lab experiment gone awry, where Dash learns that it's important to wear her safety goggles...or something. Both stories are pretty murky and neither one really gives the reader a satisfying conclusion. Really, I'm not even sure what a satisfying conclusion to something like this should even look like, because I'm not sure what this story is supposed to be about.

The Twidash part I found mostly confusing. It's not clear what their relationship is exactly, and by the time the story ends you haven't made it any clearer. What exactly are these characters to each other? Are they friends? More than friends? Friends who want to become more than friends? How do the events of the story impact or change this relationship? Not only is it never made clear, you make some overt contradictions that muddy the waters even further.

The way this is presented, it feels like a story about two friends who are secretly in love and want to confess their feelings. In fact, you say as much in the opening lines:

>Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash were two of the closest friends in Ponyville. They had known each other for years, and their bond was strong. Despite their vastly different personalities, Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash shared a love for adventure and a passion for each other that left them madly in love. So, when Twilight Sparkle invited Rainbow Dash to her laboratory to help her with a new day of experiments, Rainbow Dash jumped at the chance.
This explicitly states several points: that Twi and Dash are close friends, that they have known each other for years and have a strong bond, and that they are madly in love. What is not stated but seems to be implied is that, despite being "madly in love," they have not yet moved beyond the "friendship" stage. Dash therefore sees the occasion of being invited to Twilight's house as an opportunity to advance things with her.

As events progress, this seems to be the scenario that is playing out. Twilight observes that Dash seems upset about something, asks what's wrong, and Dash confesses that she's feeling "confused," and then goes on to state that she's worried she's not "good enough" for Twilight. Twilight then reassures her that this is not the case, and then this:

>And then, without warning, Rainbow Dash leaned forward and wrapped her hooves around Twilight in a tight hug. "I love you, Twilight," she said, her voice filled with emotion. "I love you so much."
>Twilight was taken aback, but then she smiled and hugged Rainbow Dash back. "I love you too, Rainbow Dash," she said. "And I'm here for you, always."
>From that moment on, Twilight knew that she and Rainbow Dash would always have each other's backs, no matter what the future held. And she was grateful to have such a wonderful friend in her life.
What's the significance here? Dash confesses that she loves Twilight, and Twilight affirms that she loves Dash and that they will always be friends. Is that what they wanted to get out in the open? Has anything changed between them?

In and of itself it's okay if the nature of their relationship doesn't change or remains ambiguous, but again, I'm just not sure how to interpret the significance of these events. For one thing, what exactly is Dash supposed to be upset about here? Why does she think she's "not good enough" for Twilight? Nothing in the story has occurred that would cause her to feel this way, and you don't provide any background on them that would explain it, so this sudden confession feels contrived. Twilight's emotional reaction feels equally contrived.

Furthermore, you drop his bomb on us:

>Rainbow Dash smiled, and a tear rolled down her cheek. "Thanks, Twilight," she said. "You're the best friend and wife anyone could ask for."
So...they're married? These two horses are married to each other, but at the same time they live in separate houses and aren't quite sure how they feel about each other? Literally wtf?

It almost feels like it could be a typo or something, but you reinforce it much later during Dash's letter to Princess Celestia:
>I also wanted to thank you, Princess Celestia, for sending my beloved wife to Ponyville and giving me the opportunity to meet and learn from amazing ponies like Twilight.

It is never made clear what Twi and Dash's relationship is, nor in which direction either of them would like it to proceed.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
15b7557
?
No.358571
358572
e5227a750c92bc30eee21710e2f95b9fd51736c627b652f9b176d425c90d0ee8_1.jpg
>>358219
>>358570
To make matters worse, you basically drop the entire romance plot after this single interaction, and we never get to find out if Twidash is a legit ship or not.

The last part is more straightforward, but again, I'm not entirely sure what the point is meant to be. However, it is at least easy enough to summarize:

Twi and Dash continue to perform some kind of lab experiment, which involves combining a bunch of chemicals together to try and refract light...or something. Eventually, Dash adds some ingredients that make the mixture unstable, a gratuitous dick joke is made, and then the lab explodes. After this, Dash pens a letter to Princess Celestia**, which will be easier to analyze if I just drop it in verbatim:

>Dear Princess Celestia,

>I hope this letter finds you well. I wanted to write to you about a very special experience I had today in Twilight Sparkle's laboratory. I had the opportunity to assist Twilight in a scientific experiment, and while it was a lot of fun, I also learned a lot about lab safety.

>As you may know, Twilight's laboratory is full of chemicals and machines, and I was a little intimidated at first. But as we worked on our experiment, Twilight took the time to explain the science behind everything and taught me about the dangers of certain chemicals.
So far so good, but...was learning about lab safety really supposed to be the central lesson for Dash here? If yes, why? If no, what exactly was she supposed to learn? Does her being in love with Twilight have any connection to what happened in the lab? Did either of these experiences teach her anything meaningful, or change her life in any meaningful way?

>Unfortunately, I made a mistake during the experiment and cranked a Bunsen Burner up to 11. Why are they called Bunsen Burners when Robert Bunsen doesn't exist in this universe, anyway? Couldn't we think of a pony pun for their names? Thankfully, Twilight was there to protect us both from the explosion and keep us safe. It was a frightening experience, but it taught me a valuable lesson about being careful and responsible in the laboratory. I almost turned myself into Zap Apple Jam! I bet I'd taste awful in a sandwich. Not like Twilight. She tastes amazing. Just like her mom. They are also great in a sandwich, if they are the bread and I am the filling. If they're all over each other that's kinda weird but if they're both all over me it totally doesn't count as incest, they're both just showing affection towards me, Rainbow Dash. At the same time. In the same bed. And it's totally not gay. I mean, it is, we're all female haha, but it's totally not incest.
You could probably chop most of this paragraph at no loss. Also: the ambiguous nature of Twidash persists. Is the implication that they're already lezzing out? Presumably if they're supposed to be married we can assume they would be, but...what was the point of this story supposed to be again? What exactly was it that Dash needed to get off of her very fluffy chest?

>From this experience, I learned that safety should always come first in a laboratory, and that it's important to understand the properties of the chemicals and materials you're working with and familiarize yourself with the effects of heat on the ingredients you are working with. I also learned that it's important to have a partner who you can trust and who will help keep you safe. It's also important to make cock jokes constantly because they are never not funny.
Here you seem to be attempting to shoehorn the romance plot back into the lab-safety plot, and wrap it all up into some kind of lesson for Dash. It's not working. Neither of these plots are all that compelling or even entertaining, and whatever the ambiguous relationship problem between Twi and Dash was supposed to have been, you never really resolved it. This story just kind of begins and ends without anything noteworthy happening in between other than an explosion and a couple of cock jokes.

>I want to thank Twilight for her guidance and for showing me the importance of proper lab safety. I also wanted to thank you, Princess Celestia, for sending my beloved wife to Ponyville and giving me the opportunity to meet and learn from amazing ponies like Twilight.
Here is where you once again imply that the two of them are married already. I've already gone over this.

>I look forward to continuing my scientific adventures and learning even more about the wonders of magic and science.

>With gratitude,

>Your faithful student,

>Rainbow Dash.
This whole letter feels like one of those emails that didn't need to be sent, that's just going to annoy the person reading it. Basically "I didn't do any real work today, but I'm required to send a daily status update so here's a bunch of rambling autism." What exactly did Dash learn here that warrants the act of writing to Celestia about it? Even if this story was meant to be lighthearted and silly and there isn't supposed to be a serious moral to it, it should still at least make an effort to communicate something.

-----------------------

** Technically, the story ends with Spike writing the letter on her behalf. Dash starts to write the letter, and then decides she doesn't want to, and then runs off to poop...or something. At least I think I got that right. In any event, I've decided to spare everyone that particular detail and just end things with the letter.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
15b7557
?
No.358572
358573
1662004318439290.png
>>358219
>>358571
Also, here are some technical things I noticed:

>If Rainbow Dash pretended all the trash on the floor was clothing, it would remind Rainbow Dash of Rainbow Dash's bedroom.
This sentence is bad and you should feel bad.

>Twilight Sparkle looked at her like an unfunny political talk show host visually signalling doubt and derision to his crowd of automatons who clapped when they were told to and booed when they were told to.
I would cut this line out; you're falling back into old habits again. Remember, the key to good social commentary humor is subtlety. Also, if you must make these sorts of references, try to make them relevant to what's going on in the scene; there's nothing more obnoxious than just wedging in political commentary for no reason other than to wedge in political commentary. Also, you misspelled "signaling."

>Rainbow Dash was amazed by the complexity of it all before she started tossing bat wings and newt eyes and troll gristle and ogre fat and tiny plastic Rainbow Dash figurines into random bubbling vats of purple, yellow, green, orange, and milky white liquid respectively.
This is a decent example of subtle humor. It's obvious to anyone who's in the know what you're referencing here, but you keep it low key and you don't veer off course from the story in order to make the joke. Nicely done.

>The glass container was a long, thick, cylindrical shaft, with two round bulges at the bottom, and despite the thick brown cork firmly wedged into the shaft, the noisy hiss of steam started to escape from the container, along with a rush of white foam.
This one is borderline, but you at least manage to keep it mostly subtle....

...until this happens:
>When Rainbow Dash turned the Bunsen Burner up, more white foam erupted from the glass in a tremendous burst.
>“Hey, Twilight, look!” Rainbow Dash laughed. Twilight looked. “Me inside your mom!”
Look deep inside your soul and ask yourself: was this cheap laugh really worth it?

Another thing you might want to pay attention to is inadvertent repetition:

>Rainbow Dash had been acting strangely for the past few days, and Twilight Sparkle was starting to worry about her friend. She could tell that something was bothering Rainbow Dash, but every time she tried to bring it up, Rainbow Dash would change the subject or brush it off.

>"Rainbow Dash, I know something's been bothering you," Twilight said gently. "And I want to help. Can you tell me what's going on?"

>Rainbow Dash fidgeted and looked away, avoiding Twilight's gaze. "It's nothing, Twi," she said. "I'm just a little preoccupied, that's all."
Be careful about overusing words/names. Look how often the name "Rainbow Dash" appears in these three lines of text. The first line uses the name three times, when it only really needs to be mentioned once. It becomes even more repetitious when the subsequent two lines also start with "Rainbow Dash."

I get the impression this was done for clarity, since this scene involves an interaction between two female characters, and calling either of them 'she' might make it ambiguous. However, context makes it clear enough who is doing what:

>Rainbow Dash had been acting strangely for the past few days, and Twilight Sparkle was starting to worry about her friend. She could tell that something was bothering her, but every time she tried to bring it up, she would change the subject or brush it off.
Even though both RD and Twi are being called "she" in the same sentence, we can still tell who is who.

You could also lighten up the repetition in the next two lines by shortening the name:

>"Rainbow Dash, I know something's been bothering you," Twilight said gently. "And I want to help. Can you tell me what's going on?"

>Dash fidgeted and looked away, avoiding Twilight's gaze. "It's nothing, Twi," she said. "I'm just a little preoccupied, that's all."
Simply abbreviating the name from "Rainbow Dash" to "Dash" adds enough variety to break up the repetition, and it doesn't require you to change any of Twilight's dialogue here.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
15b7557
?
No.358573
358575 358587
D01CF74B240863EA889E63958D2735A2-77411.png
>>358219
>>358350
>>358306
>>358522
>>358572
Anyway, to conclude: my overall grade for this is piece is "nice effort, but needs improvement." This is basically C- work.

Look, we've been doing this for a long time now. It's been almost five years since you dropped that ridiculous Silver Star thing on the board. Since then, I, along with others on this board, have been giving you writing advice and doing our best to answer your various questions for five years. That's a long time. I'll grant that this Twidash piece is an improvement over both the Silver Star piece, as well as that wacky schizo thing you posted about the lion-man that goes around beating up Jews or whatever. So the good news is, you've improved. The bad news is, this is not five years worth of improvement.

I'm not going to say that you shouldn't keep at it if writing is honestly something that you want to do. Just about anyone can get better if they're willing to put in the work. I think the only writer I've ever advised to actually stop writing because their work was actually that terrible was Iceman, and I doubt he's even aware that I gave him that advice. But in your case, you really ought to step back and think about what you're trying to achieve with all of this.

>I need to write my stories faster, improve their quality, and write about stuff people actually want to read these days.
>Video games are still selling more than books. Good thing I know how to code, draw, and animate. But if these games will have stories, I need to improve my writing so it can save lives.
Is this seriously what you're trying to do? Write commercially-viable entertainment that not only entertains, but "saves lives?" Because I've got some unpleasant news for you: you've got a long way to go. And by "a long way to go," I don't mean in the way that a professional runner who hasn't worked out in a year has a long way to go if he wants to win the New York Marathon. I mean it in the way that a morbidly obese man who can barely stand up has a long way to go if he wants to win the New York Marathon. That is to say, based on an objective assessment of what I can see, the goal you've set for yourself is for all practical purposes impossible, and you need a reality check. See pic.

The fat guy on the couch should not be setting the same goals as the runner. If the fat guy is willing to put in the work, he might plausibly reach a point where he can set a goal like that for himself someday, but for where he's at now, it would be more helpful to forget about the New York Marathon and just focus on being able to walk around the block without getting winded.

Even with a pie in the sky goal like winning a marathon, if people see the fat guy constantly eating salads and going to the gym, they'll take him seriously and encourage him. However, if he continues eating junk and avoiding exercise, they won't take him seriously even if his goal is something reasonable. If he puts in zero or minimal effort and keeps bragging about how he's going to win marathons, people will start hating his guts for being an obnoxious faggot. A goal you're obviously not serious about, or obviously couldn't achieve even if you were serious, is just a fantasy.

Of the writefags on this board, the two people who solicit advice most frequently are you and Sven; however, you're almost polar opposites in terms of how you go about it. I've started thinking of you two as Goofus and Gallant ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goofus_and_Gallant ). If it's not obvious, Nigel, you're Goofus. Here, watch:

>Sven posts examples of his work and asks for criticism, then diligently applies the criticism he's been given to whatever he writes next.
<Nigel makes fifty posts per day asking random questions about random ideas he has, but posts few examples of actual writing that could plausibly be workshopped.

>Sven's writing shows marked improvement over time. This makes his critics feel like the advice they gave him was helpful.
<Nigel's work shows little improvement relative to time spent, despite the significantly higher volume of questions asked and answered. This makes his critics feel like they are wasting their breath by even responding to him.

>Sven is not a native English speaker and struggles with grammar, yet makes an obvious effort to improve the clarity of his prose.
<Nigel is ostensibly fluent in English, but mostly uses this fluency to compose long-winded nigh-unreadable rants about Jews and cocks.

>Sven has never expressed any lofty goals for his writing, he simply wants to improve for the sake of improving. Despite ESL issues, he demonstrates a good instinct for storytelling and clearly works hard at improving his craft.
<Nigel boasts constantly about how his deranged video game scripts are going to redpill all the normies and topple the Jewish hegemony, yet he can't even pull off a halfway-decent Twidash ship on a Mongolian horsewhispering forum.

I could probably keep going, but hopefully you get the idea.

Again, I'm not trying to discourage you from writing, or from posting your work in this thread. Despite bantzing on you, I've given you a serious review of your story, just as you asked. However, with that said, what are you hoping to achieve here? If you seriously want help improving your Twidash story, and are willing to put in the work doing rewrites and applying feedback, then we can help you. However, if you're just hoping to discover some secret writing formula that will allow you to pull normie-mesmerizing words out of your ass, we can't help you; nobody can.

If history is any guide, you will probably respond to this by saying "Wow, you're right, I really need to improve!" Then you will go right back to doing what you always do, which basically amounts to shitposting every random thought you have all over the board. However, I'll ask again, in the hope that you'll give it some real thought this time:

What exactly are you trying to achieve?
Anonymous
1011bd0
?
No.358575
358576 358578
>>358573
If the fat guy was raised to believe lies his whole life about everything including health, who can blame him for turning out morbidly obese and who can hate him for asking questions about how to improve his health? The damage inflicted by that kind of lifestyle doesn't go away overnight no matter how hard you work. "Miraculous body transformation" videos have parts early on where the guy says something like "I lost sixty pounds this week, that's amazing, I never thought I would get this far" but he's still morbidly obese and over 400 pounds. It takes time and dedication. And you need to know when to exercise and what exercises to do. And what to eat and drink and avoid. You said all that anime weeaboo cartoon stuff I watched was basically junk food, right? Maybe you're right. I tried studying independently. When I tried using a forum for writers and asking more questions there it was full of feral leftists attacking me for not hiding my power level well enough and I got banned. And its advice was fucking useless because 99% of "how do I do x" questions were answered with "don't you fucking racist". Maybe I would have had more success if I lied about my intentions but advice on how to write better lefty propaganda wouldn't help me write nazi propaganda. Probably. Their viewpoint relies on denying reality even if it costs lives. We hate jews because we understand reality in a way leftists don't want to.

There is romance in my story about the racist farmer and his girlfriend so I thought I should practice writing romance by writing about two characters I know a lot about. I think the romance story turned out shit. Turns out I am bad at romance too. I wrote a sex scene into the story and a flashback that elaborated on their relationship (they got drunk at a party and fucked and dropped the L Bomb but when they woke up they were too embarassed to talk about it but Twi seems to want to spend more time with RD and RD can't read Twilight so she has no idea if Twi even remembers that night) and more "why RD feels not good enough" and an autistic explanation of how potions work that took thousands of words but I cut that from the story. Probably shouldn't've cut some of that. In one draft kissing was going to be part of making the potion work but I didn't like the idea that they had to kiss now because of the potion. I wanted them to kiss because they wanted to.

At this point I think I am a 200 pound man. Still a fat fuck. But no longer 400 pounds. The Twidash story isn't as bad as what I wrote 5 years ago so I'm making progress. I just need to keep at it. If there are ways I could speed up improvement that would help. Like those things you wrap around the grips of weights. They seem good. More gyms should have them.

What I really want to achieve is self improvement. I wouldn't still be working at this or coming here to this writing gym if I wasn't serious about this. I want what I write to save lives. But if I should pick a realistic goal... I want what I write to entertain and not be cucked libtard shite like what I was raised on.
Anonymous
6c09a87
?
No.358576
358580
lifecycle-bureaucracy.png
1565156790820.jpg
Pirates.jpg
MySuffering.jpg
>>358575
On one hand that's touching. A bit of metaphor (unless that's literal).
A refocusing of goals. From shoving a point of view as a concrete block to increasing enjoyment.
On the other hand there's what would have been a comedic skit.
>I tried studying independently. When I tried using a forum for writers and asking more questions there it was full of feral leftists attacking me for not hiding my power level well enough and I got banned. And its advice was fucking useless because 99% of "how do I do x" questions were answered with "don't you fucking racist". Maybe I would have had more success if I lied about my intentions but advice on how to write better lefty propaganda wouldn't help me write nazi propaganda. Probably. Their viewpoint relies on denying reality even if it costs lives. We hate jews because we understand reality in a way leftists don't want to.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
15b7557
?
No.358578
358581 358587
facepalm-gif-6.gif
>>358575
Oh, never mind. Just do what you want I guess. I'm so tired
Anonymous
1011bd0
?
No.358580
358584 358587
258.jpg
Ft9x7GbdD3oc.jpeg
74YCxllI6YRR.jpeg
lHMlyobu2p8r.jpeg
388igk.jpg
>>358576
The fitness is sort of a metaphor, I'm a lot fitter now than I was 5 years ago. And I certainly wasn't brought up to be healthy. Though I was never at nikocado avocado levels. I'm also shit at writing and I wasn't brought up to be good at writing. But I think I'm better at writing now than I was then.
It's ridiculous. Some whore puts pics of her morbidly obese dog online, records him struggling to walk and breathe and run to her anyway despite the pain he must feel just standing up and struggling to exist, and the internet hates her for animal cruelty if they aren't too braindead to say anything but "muh hemckin chomker big chungus keanu wholesome 100".
That same whore shows off her morbidly obese family, and even though she's the reason her family eats what it eats and doesn't get enough exercise(men have no power over families they can exert without their wives having the option to ruin his life with cops and the system or flee and take the kids with him or rob him blind and leave him homeless despite buying her the house) it's rare for people to have the balls to say to that woman "You're overfeeding your kids goyslop, you aren't exercising them enough, you're the reason they're unhealthy and likely to develop problems down the line that won't go away, instead of giving you more money for refusing to take responsibility for your actions and health and sabotaging the health of your kids the welfare system should fucking fine you for it! It might make you stop smoking and drinking and buying fucking scratchcards and drugs with other people's money". An overfed kid is like a vegan dog and a transgender crossdressing child. We all know who's really making the lifestyle choices in their families.

So if comedy is the secret, how do I make my work funnier? I've been experimenting with adult humor. But I don't know how to combine cock jokes and holocaust jokes. Then again there was that one holohoax story...

>The Nazis did awful things to us Jews! They used to kill Jewish women and stuff their vaginas full of razorblades and leave them alone in a room with a Jewish man, so when he stuck his dick in her, his dick got cut up and the Nazis outside watching laughed!

My personal favourites are

>The Nazis used to take us Jews to a wall with holes in it and give us Shotguns and tell us to stick our barrels into the walls and fire. But when they did as they were told, there were Jews on the other side! When the Nazis took the Jews to see who they shot, they cried so much they shot themselves!
Why would they shoot who they were told to shoot if given a gun instead of dying trying to escape?
and
>The Nazis used to take us Jews to a wall with holes in it and give us Shotguns and tell us to stick our barrels into the walls and fire. But the holes in the walls were curved around so when we pulled the trigger, the barrel would go in through one hole and come out of the other hole and the Jews would shoot themselves!
Pretty sure I saw something like that happen to the cat in an episode of Tom And Jerry.
Anonymous
1011bd0
?
No.358581
358584
>>358578
I'm confused. What do you want from me? Improvement? Writing isn't something people master overnight.
Anonymous
6c09a87
?
No.358584
>>358581
GlimGlam is just a bit disappointed the autism busted out.
Despite the whole blasting everything at once.
While self improvement IS a goal and worthy of notice. That's not the point of the question it's implied that yes that happens when working toward something.
Yes the largest over arching goal is already covered by GlimGlam. Right now is the tangible goal which forms a vital core pillar for the over arching goal.
What is the tangible goal. Is it entertainment? If so products can be evaluated on that criteria by how successful with how to improve in that tangible area.
May reply to the other post if I don't crash first
>>358580
I need to bold the important parts.
6c09a87
?
No.358587
048E51A83244A9EE66E7CC8432D23E3D-65517.jpg
>>358580
Pictures 2 through 5 are about three degrees of separation from the topics written.
This makes them hard to contextualize in a legible format.
Picture 1 while a copy pasta isn't funny anymore. While humor is subjective pic 1 has its time and place and it isn't now.

Paragraph 1 and 2 is tangential side aide tangents. It does relate but by a spider's thread. Keep in mind their are three important things to keep track of. The thread theme (see OP), at the point of review of the work Glim Glam's responses and the content of what is posted by how connected it is to the first and second.

A demonstration
>So if comedy is the secret, how do I make my work funnier?
A fair question in response to my post...
You're taking what I'm saying too seriously while humor does matter exclusively for meant topics doing it excellently is important to successful execution.
READ EVERYTHING BELOW AND READ GLIM GLAM'S STUFF AGAIN CAREFULLY THEN REPLY
Which is Glim Glam has the core part of what needs to be worked on. In the story there has no solid goal, no solid motivation, no solid steps and no solid character arc. There is some, but those arcs are not complete.
His review completely dismissed in autism. Yes Glim Glam did you metaphor to construct his point and while you built on it by being more literal and personal while again by spider's thread logic (by this I mean it's a web of interconnected things that forms a sticky net easily becomes tangled unless someone spends a lot more time reading into it, a very significant portion of time and effort).
Small metaphor saying you need a localized goal to work on. AND it's a goal you're focusing on that is showing improvement.
<The Extended story time misses the core point. Which is about the actionable Goal.
Also the content made is not sorted by any standard measure. Which results in walls of webbing text that barr communication.
This is a underwaterbasketweaving throat ainging forum. The important arrow is part of efficent and robust communication on this platform.
Glim Glam said >>358573
>it would be more helpful to forget about the New York Marathon and just focus on being able to walk around the block without getting winded.
This is again another metaphor. It's not about your physical health while that is important talking about your personal physical health is more of an /ub/ topic or /sp/ if it's day to day tangled stuff. See Glim Glam is actually S T I L L talking about about the actionable Goal.. Yes he is saying the same thing over again with different words.
The amount of skill, knowledge and wisdom to get to the biggest goal is more than the progress shown in a time frame comparable to most endeavors. It's too much all at once to get it all done without breaking it up into things you can do with what you currently have to get better.
And THEN GIVES WHAT YOU CAN DO WITH EXAMPLES.
An important question is raised.
>However, with that said, what are you hoping to achieve here?
This thread is about IMPROVING AS A WRITER BY IMPROVING A STORY. By getting experience you then improve. Feeding data about out of the blue isn't that effective.
A Choice is PRESENTED.
>If you seriously want help improving your Twidash story, and are willing to put in the work doing rewrites and applying feedback, then we can help you.
You have the actionable Goal..
>However, if you're just hoping to discover some secret writing formula that will allow you to pull normie-mesmerizing words out of your ass, we can't help you; nobody can.
You have picked the second option. I too don't recommend the second option.
This choice is pretty cut and dry. That means one of these options is the more correct one to choose. There is a Correct one and a Wrong one that is spelled out as near about Glim Glam can with his faculties. Which is why this happens! >>358578
Mimicking empathy time. Why is Glim Glam so tired?
Is it A. He didn't get enough sleep?
Is it B. He knocked back enough tranquilizers to stop a horse?
Is it C. His efforts for F I V E Years amount to nothing with a decision to ignore everything about the advice that is advice which is everything posted?
It's C. It's option C. He went the distance for five years man.
When I said a bit disappointed that was an understatment.
Erased whatever the fuck I wrote because it would detracted from the message.
READING COMPREHENSION!!!
R E A D I N G S K I L L S, W I S D O M AND K N O W L E D G E!!!!!!!!=
fuck, I know what you're going to ask. Okay so Read Everything Glim Glam posted ever. The classic literature. It is organized by OBJECTIVE, Not Subjective. It is ORGANIZED BY OBJECTIVE.
A priory 1. Have you successfully understood the material and then communicated so that there is only simple easy to read and understand clarity.
Priority 2. Have you answered those questions the same way? communicated so that there is only simple easy to read and understand clarity.
>OTHER PERSON
YOUR COMMUNUCATED SIMPLE EASY TO READ And CLEAR MESSAGE.

Anonymous
1011bd0
?
No.358598
358599
If you're frustrated that I still suck at writing after all this time, I understand. I hate myself too. But people grow by learning from their mistakes, and I keep asking questions because I keep wanting to learn.
Anonymous
6c09a87
?
No.358599
>>358598
You're missing the points.
1) To improve You need to work on a specific work making it better than it was.
2) You miss the point when replying to posts.
3) You MISS The POINTS When Replying to Posts.
4)It's Frustrating when it's impossible ro get The Point Across in any way.
Anonymous
1011bd0
?
No.358613
358620
I understand. You don't want excuses, you want results. I will upload a fixed version of my story when it is complete.
Anonymous
6c09a87
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No.358620
358627
>>358613
Noooooo! It's typing out responses that's what I want.
Please answer these:
<What exactly are you trying to achieve? (With the story.)
>The main issue I found with this story is that it doesn't seem to have a point.
<What is that story's point?
Anonymous
1011bd0
?
No.358627
358640
>>358620
I wanted to practice writing romance. That's what the story's trying to achieve, and that's its point.
Anonymous
6c09a87
?
No.358640
>>358627
Yes, right.
The story's point, the main focus. The moral, the thing(s) being shown to the audience, the journey and end destination.
I get is just romance writing practice.
And as writing practice what is the one thing this piece shows your readers.
The foundation that all events, characters revolve around.
To be clear everything I've said above is one question.
What is the story's point? Details help hone in on the core of the story, yet it's only one or two sentences.
Anonymous
1011bd0
?
No.358922
The big story I want to write only contains hints of romance so spending time working on that at the expense of everything else isn't going to be particularly valuable.

I don't want my story to just be shallow political propaganda in the way the Mass Effect and Bioshock franchises were.

At the same time it's not fair that they can be so blatant about their anti-whiteness and retards used to it will still say "That's not political, that's normal, whites aren't hated and it's normal to hate whites, white genocide isn't happening and they deserve it, you're just an insane nazi who wants to gas all the jews who dindu nuffin wrong, you're just mad the game deboonked you by humiliating you and calling you all weak evil retards, I want to cum inside Elizabeth from Bioshock Infinite and the feminist all-female blue alien racemixers from Mass Effect, I love videogames about killing nazis and videogames about killing the enemies of nazis should be illegal, attacking whites and white history and christianity is free speech and saying you want to kill the president and his supporters is only free speech when we don't like the president".

Fallout New Vegas explored the idea of what a post-post-apocalyptic world might be. The fallout of choices.
That's reflected in all these places. Places affected by the Powder Gangers, a symptom of the NCR's stupidity. Places affected by groups with their own ideas, their own values, their own ways of surviving.
This world is a place where you either adapt and get with the times or die with the old world. NCR, Legion, inferior regurgitations of the past. House is presented as a flawed smart man to attack the idea that being ruled by one smart man is ideal compared to NCR democracy, Caesar's Legion's tribal conquest, or one protagonist overthrowing everything in the name of not being ruled by the other options.

Still its political biases were pretty blatant. The Legion is Wrong(TM) for being mean, and so is the Brotherhood Of Steel.

For all the legitimate criticisms it has for the BOS and its ideology and mindset and the sort of people it creates, for all the ways it attacked the BOS as it was and the Power Ranger BOS Bethesda created, it also makes sure to put most of its criticisms in the mouth of Veronica Santangelo, a mixed-race but white-enough lesbian mistreated by a homophobic religious family she still loves until it exiles her and forces her to live a life of isolation by killing anyone she gets close to who cannot defend themselves.

They didn't think it was necessary to make a Legion companion, or they didn't have time for it, but if they did it likely would have been a warrior man disillusioned with how the Legion isn't the "pure warrior culture" it presented itself as all this time. Perhaps he would be unjustly punished for the failures of his higher-ups or the impossibility of a mission he was given, perhaps he would be loathed for being the only survivor of a unit sent to die to buy time for a corrupt scheme like dumping radioactive waste on the women and children of a town whose men were fighting back against the Legion forces sent their way and winning. You could take him to places hurt by the Legion and break his "legion conquest=better rulers to protect the weak and use them properly, new purpose for the dissolute" programming when you introduce him to freed Legion slaves who are better free than they ever were as Legion slaves. Though in current year it likely would have been a super-strong mixed-race brownish genius warrior woman or something equally retarded.

Every fucking year the anti-white programming gets worse. And I'm supposed to counterattack against all of this with a fucking RPG about catching monsters and making them fight, or a fucking board game about sending wizards and knights to kill each other?

It's not fair that I have to make my political writing so subtle that it's barely there and not really saying anything objectionable to a normie audience, when our enemies get to produce blatant antiwhite shit, shove trannies where they don't belong, lie about the past to retards unwilling to listen to reason.

I'm taking on an impossible challenge here for the sake of my people.
Anonymous
1011bd0
?
No.359063
image.png
that writing moment when
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