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Writefag Support Circle: A Gathering of Based Gentlemen Who Smoke Pipes.
Anonymous
78d7e52
?
No.336928
336929 336941 336955 337011 338530
Hello. This is the second thread of the writefag circle, here: >>299458 →

Basically all that is said in that OP applies to this one but I'll go through the 'rules' of this thread here as well.

So, the main point of this thread is to facilitate and enable Anons' writefagging; in a similar way pride facilitates and enables aids.;^P The Anons in this thread can be seperated into two camps: Anons who wants help with their writing project(s) and Anons that feel inclined to help those aforementioned shrek-colored skinheads.

Crafting and beta-reading is what we do here, any critique of literature not made by a guy submitted for this thread should be incidental; it should be when you —as a beta-reader of fics posted ITT— make a comparision between the fic your reviewing and some other story for the sake of demonstrating your point, whatever it is.

This is NOT: A review thread for unsolicited rants about random media which does not fall into the mold for how to use a refrence in this thread described in the above paragraph. Meaning if you're not using —like, let's pick something arbitrary— Naruto for a comparision in your critique of someone's writing itt, then don't bring it up. I understand that tangents can happen and if it's like a few exchanges with a pair of posters; then it's fine. However, don't make this a pattern and also move whatever off-thread-topic discussion to a more fitting board/thread. There's after all no problem with finding someone to converse with and share perspectives on a subject you care about but just take it to an appropriate thread. Sidenote: Nigel, these rules applies to you in a stricter fashion because I would not have to detail them with this much precision if it weren't for you.

I hope that I haven't scared anybody off. This is still suppose to be a chill af thread. Funposting is very much allowed and encouraged. It really is more that some type of posting —like, things that are completely irrelevant to the thread— does not belong here. I know, rocket-science and a rule that is seldom seen and highly unique for this thread. Perhaps you could call it a... Novelty. (You) intelligent lurker, obviously get the subtext of this OP so you probably won't need to worry about any of this. I'd say if you're unsure if what you're about to post belongs in the thread, then post it anyway. The worst that can happen is that someone tells you to move it to another thread and you get a better insight of what post belongs in thread. If you consist on fish and chips, however, I'd sugguest you think twice on what you're posting and perhaps even ask beforehand if your rant about lefties and Undertale belongs here.

If there are any questions on the OP, ask away?
272 replies and 59 files omitted.
Anonymous
1f3e696
?
No.353270
353345
>>353269
I also like the world building part when you described Canterlot's layout.
On a sidenote, I remember posting that image in your thread once. Maybe that's where you saw it first.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353285
353297 353354
>while hero is working his mom reads his diary and reacts to it so I can infodump a shitton of hero's past on the audience seamlessly
Is this genius or retarded?
Anonymous
84c810f
?
No.353297
353298
>>353285
Personally, I've never enjoyed reading or writing info dumps and prefer to include character development as the story continues, even for main character(s). The concept of the diary is a solid, but don't overdo it with a mountain of exposition and description.
The line is more or less up to you, but a more experienced writer here would probably have better advice for you than me.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353298
353354
>>353297
I only get one chance to show a normal day or two in the protag's life before shit hits the fan and he can't go back to his normal life. So I want to include everything now but that's probably a bad idea. Perhaps I should only cover stuff that would feel unnatural to be brought up later in casual conversation or arguments, and stuff that needs to be understood now before scenes make sense when they happen.
Anonymous
a3eae0c
?
No.353344
353354
Avatar: The Last Airbender was an optimistic whitepilled show where every race had something good to say about it, even the villains. The Fire Nation was power, ambition, ferocity, and in the most important fire nation characters this was explored. Zuko had to find what was good in himself, and what was good in fire. The villains were too ambitious, too greedy, manipulative, corrupt, vicious, aggressive, cruel, destructive. The virtues in other nations could be corrupted, too. Earth Kingdom people were strong and enduring, but they could be arrogant and foolish and stubborn like the Earth King, and that guy who wanted Aang to trigger the Avatar State now and charge before he was ready. The Air Nomads were carefree monks detatched from worldly concerns, look how well that worked out for them. Even the Water Tribe, adaptable and loving, wasn't immune to corruption. That old bloodbender woman was motivated for vengeange by love of those lost, she was a dark reflection of Katara.
This simple kiddie story in a three season cartoon says more about virtues and people than Failout Equestria thinks it does in six gorillion words of overly edgy pony violence. The story says the only valuable form of loyalty, honesty, kindness, and so on are to show these things to Littlepip and her allies alone. A mercenary is called corrupted loyalty until she embraces absolute servitude to Littlepip. A propagandist liar living in luxury is called honesty for praising Littlepip while a cheese seller who kills himself so Littlepip will feel guilty and have to find his family a new home is called corrupted honesty.
My story's too black and white right now, a proof reader said to me. Too much "My race and my ways good, their race and their ways bad". Obviously the enemy is evil, there's nothing redeemable about rapist orcs or goblin swindlers, that's as factual as the existence of space. But I should add some other groups or other races, good ones the hero gets on his side to help him slay his enemies because the villains screwed them all over in different ways and they'll all be better off without Orcs and Goblins.

One proofreader suggested I say the bland customizable reader self insert player character is literally the player of the game sent by God to save this world and its people, calling saving and reloading a time power you were granted as the chosen one to ensure the rightful hero protagonist saves the world from the god of darkness and makes it how the god of goodness says it should be. That seems too simplistic, would audiences respond well to that?
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.353345
353346 353793
Spoilered
Spoilered
>>353269
Thanks. One of the things I've become much more conscious of since I started doing reviews is how much general information I ought to give the reader, and when it's appropriate to spoonfeed it to them. On the one hand you don't want to infodump, but on the other hand sometimes you just need to convey information in order to explain your setting. It's particularly tricky with a story like this, where a very blatantly non-MLP-style character is being juxtaposed into Equestria. If I take Marlowe too far out of his original element he won't be able to be Marlowe anymore, but at the same time I can't just have a 1940s hard-boiled detective inexplicably wandering around pastel ponyland drinking and swearing and smoking cigarettes, no matter how hilarious the idea might be. The scenario has to be at least somewhat plausible, so if I want him to be able to drink and smoke and so forth there needs to be some kind of in-world explanation for how he is able to procure things like whiskey and cigarettes; if he's going to be dealing with crime and the seamy underbelly of things, it needs to be a seamy underbelly that works for an MLP-style setting. Basically, I want Philip Marlowe in Equestria to be able to behave more or less the way he would in an ordinary Philip Marlowe story, but still have everything make sense within the context of the MLP setting.

The business with phones was actually something I wound up putting quite a bit of thought into (possibly far more than was necessary). Since the main character is going to be doing a lot of communicating back and forth, making reports and getting hold of suspects and so on, the question of what sort of communication methods he has to work with is a very important detail that needs to be settled early. If he has a phone, or something like a phone, at his disposal it makes things much easier on me, but at the same time it's debatable whether phones could or should exist in Equestria.

Fortunately, this fandom is full of turbo-autists who obsessively research and endlessly debate this sort of thing, so I was able to dig up the two images I attached. The basic nerd-debate over phones in Equestria is that on the one hand, images like these prove that phones canonically exist in the world; however, there is also a conspicuous lack of wires and poles, so there is some question as to how they work. The explanation I came up with is basically this: phones are embedded-magic devices that can directly communicate with one another and don't require the user to have any magical ability. However, the connection between two devices has to be made manually by a unicorn (or other spell-casting creature), since determining which two phones specifically are to be connected would require an act of conscious will. So, Equestria's phone company employs unicorn operators. When you pick up a phone, the embedded spell connects automatically to the nearest operator, you tell the operator who you want to call, and she casts a spell to connect your phone to the other pony's. In other words, the phone system in Equestria is comparable to the way phones used to work before automated switching was a thing, so it's more or less comparable to what Marlowe would be accustomed to already. Thus, Marlowe can be transposed into a version of Equestria that is similar enough to the world he knows that he can live there without having to radically reimagine his life; basically like moving to another country as opposed to moving to an alien planet (even though technically it is an alien planet). At the same time, I have an explanation for the similarities that doesn't require deviating significantly from the MLP canon.

Obviously, I don't want to just dump all of this information onto the reader; it's enough to simply inform them that phones exist in Equestria and provide a simple explanation of how they work (tl;dr it's magic and I ain't gotta explain shit). Technical details can be revealed if and when they become relevant, and I've got a complete explanation I can roll out in the event that anyone asks. I'm actually rather proud of this autism I came up with. Imo this is the proper way to handle cross-universe world-building, as opposed to something like: "the PipBuck exists in my setting because the PipBoy exists in the thing I'm ripping off; here is ten fucking paragraphs of technical specs."

>>353270
>I remember posting that image in your thread once. Maybe that's where you saw it first.
I think you probably did, I know that I found that image here somewhere and I think it was posted in one of my threads. In any event it's a great image; as I said I've been wanting to set a story in that version of Canterlot ever since I first saw it.
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.353346
>>353345
Not sure why those images were spoilered, I didn't think I spoilered them. Whatever, though.
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.353354
353417
>>353285
>Is this genius or retarded?
It's impossible to say one way or the other without more information. How much is a "shitton?" If you're talking two, maybe three normal-sized paragraphs of whittled-down story-relevant information it's probably fine; if you're using this as an excuse to dump the character's entire biography on the reader at once it's probably not a good idea.

>>353298
Again, without knowing the details of what you're doing specifically I can't say yea or nay on whether it's good, but a couple of things jump out at me here:

>I only get one chance to show a normal day or two in the protag's life before shit hits the fan and he can't go back to his normal life.
Why exactly are you limited by this time frame? If the story is focused on specific events happening in the present and you don't have time for a long preamble, then you probably need to think long and hard about how important this backstory info really is.

>So I want to include everything now but that's probably a bad idea.
If this is what your gut instinct is telling you, it's probably worth listening to, or at least analyzing to see why it is your instinct is pulling you in this direction.

Again, since I don't know exactly what you have in mind I can't really say whether your idea is good or not, but here's what my gut instinct is telling me, based on past experience reading your work. My suspicion is that this is probably another "Silver Star's Magic Skateboard" moment, where you have a massive amount of detailed information that you feel needs to be conveyed to the reader, but probably a lot of what you consider essential isn't really all that essential. Offhand, I'm guessing a lot of it is stuff that could probably be pared down or even omitted. However, if all of it is actually essential, then you may have problems with how you're structuring the story. If the reader needs more information about the MC's backstory for the story to make sense or for the character to be sympathetic, you may want to reconsider this hyper-condensed "three days until SHTF" timeline you've set up. Can you start the story any earlier, or slow down the pacing to give the reader more time to learn about the MC's past? If so, then maybe you should consider just doing that. If you can't, then you'll probably have to trim the MC's backstory down to just the essentials and make peace with killing a few of your babies. You can either drop some ballast and make the ship go faster, or you can hold on to everything and prepare for a longer and slower voyage, but usually you can't have both.

>>353344
>My story's too black and white right now, a proof reader said to me. Too much "My race and my ways good, their race and their ways bad".
If you want to avoid being too black and white, the thing to do is to try and understand your villains from their own perspective, rather than from yours or from your hero's. What do your villains believe in, if anything? What motivates them? Why are they doing whatever it is they're doing? You don't have to justify it or make them sympathetic; you can still present them as evildoers. The thing is, though, nobody wakes up in the morning and says "today I'm going to be a dick to this one guy, because I'm evil and mwahahahaha." Anyone who does anything has a reason for doing it. It doesn't have to be a good reason or a just reason, it just has to make sense from the perspective of that character, taking into account his motivations and his personality.

>Obviously the enemy is evil, there's nothing redeemable about rapist orcs or goblin swindlers, that's as factual as the existence of space.
This right here is exactly how you shouldn't be thinking about this. Forget about good and evil for a moment, and imagine yourself in the position of one of these orcs or goblins. Who are these creatures? What motivates them to do what they do? Even if they're just dumb, simple, mean-spirited creatures motivated by base impulses, they aren't wind-up toys; they have at least some level of autonomy, and thus their acts of rape and swindling are conscious acts they carried out of their own freewill. If not, then your villains are basically just wild animals, and unless you're writing a survival story about humans facing giant sharks or killer lions, wild animals don't make for especially interesting adversaries.

In the case of your goblins and orcs, their motivations are probably selfish and petty: rape is an act of control driven by a combination of base lust and a desire to dominate and humiliate an enemy. Either you're directly dominating and humiliating the object of your hatred by raping it, or you're dominating and humiliating them by proxy, ie by raping your enemy's wife or daughter. Swindling is similar: it can be motivated by something as simple as callous greed ("I want to make a profit and I don't care about how it harms this person") or, again, as a means of domination or humiliation by proxy ("I hate those tricksy hobbitses, so I'm going to run a scam on them and cheat them out of their hard-earned shekels").

If you want compelling, interesting "bad guy" characters, it's better to have them motivated by something more compelling and interesting than simple, base impulses like "I'm horny and I won't take no for an answer" or "I need beer money and this retard looks like he'd fall for this dumb scam I cooked up." So, it's probably better to go with the desire to dominate and humiliate an enemy as motivation. In this case, you need to think about the source of these feelings of enmity. Why do your orcs and goblins hate your hero, or your hero's race? There's always a reason; maybe it involves misconstruing some perceived injury to justify whatever it is their baser impulses want to do anyway. "My ancestors were slaves 200 years ago, so I have every right to set this complete stranger's car on fire, steal his TV and rape his wife in front of him." That sort of thing.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353417
>>353354
I'm going with realistic stuff for the orcs and goblins. Goblins are inherently narcissistic petty inbred freaks raised to think they're chosen ones destined for greatness, then they look around and see humble heroic whites building everything, maintaining everything, being the hosts parasitic goblins rely on. They see goblins wear wigs and bleach their skin and get surgery to look more like whites and they hate it. They were told to see us as inferior to be good little Goblins, but they can't because we're clearly not. "Good" Goblins who abandon the tribe and try to wake people up about the Goblin menace don't exist. Any goblin who wanted to betray the tribe would risk being killed or arrested by the goblins just like humans. And worse, if he wasn't killed or arrested, he would lose his goblin privileges in the goblin system and have to live like a human and survive on his own merits. No Goblin is worth as much as a human and deep down these parasites know they'd be nothing without the heroes the goblins hate for saving goblins. Goblins have this ritual where they get a farm animal and stone it to death while blaming it for all their sins. They rely on their betters to work for them and the last time they had to do manual labour they claim it killed them.

There are some "Good" exploding goatfuckers who don't blow up hospitals and instead find a comfortable existence in goatfucker communities paid by the Goblin with human money to move to the first world and take up space and breed. They abuse their women and force their ways onto their offspring when they arent forcing themselves on human kids. The ones who dont rape and dont explode but still play damage control for those who do while robbing the nation that houses and feeds them is the closest to "good" any goat can get aside from the ones who reject their religion openly and get death threats for it instead of doing what most do and pretend to follow their religion while privately ignoring all the parts they don't like. The goat religion worships a rapey subversive thieving barbarian warmonger who has child brides and thinks the sun sets on earth in a muddy spring to "get shiny". Something is fundamentally missing in the brains of Goblins that keeps them from empathizing with others. Goats come here to replace humans and live under a gentler tier of goblin rule than humans because it is so much easier than blowing up goblins and goblin places for taking over land the goats stole from the humans in the first place.

Orcs are savage beasts and to call them gorillas would insult every well behaved zoo gorilla, especially those who were taught sign language. They were tribes in mud huts killing and enslaving each other for generations until we ended the slave trade, but the Goblins who owned the slave trade and slave ships blamed the whites working on these boats for the entire slave trade. There were barely 4 million slaves in the Solar Empire back when Goblins running it did trade booze and weapons and drugs for orcnogs, but there are over 8 million slaves today in the Orc homeland of Orcia and Orcs don't give a shit about that when there are tvs to steal from whitey. The nicest thing anyone can do with all of these genetic failures is to send them to a place where they can't hurt themselves or others, like work camps or continents they don't mind completely giving up on. Understanding other perspectives is great and all but once you understand how wrong these perspectices are where do you go from here? Send the better educated and more intelligent (in comparison) whiteland Orcs and halfOrcs and quarterOrcs back to Orcia so they can try to make the world's first black nation that doesn't become a failed state depending on white handouts in record time?

The heroes are going to be humans or canine wolfmen who are basically humans. Modern audiences love nonhumans more than humans after all plus I enjoy drawing furries and I want the heroes to have cool animal powers. I should add other heroic countries to turn to the heros side, nations of bird people and fish people and snake people and horse people with their own ideologies and values.

Avatar would have felt too black and white if the only elements were the good Water Tribe and the evil Fire Nation. Fire is ambition and malice and harm, water is love and family and healing. It needed the Earth Kingdom and Air Nomads and good Fire Nation members to provide balance and other perspectives. There needed to be scenes where Water Tribe and Air Nomad people were clever, the show needed smart schemers like Azula to balance out evil hotheads like Zhao, the show needed Long Feng the manipulative Fire Nation style Earth Kingdom schemer obsessed with control and stability and he needed to lose to Azula. But when I look at what Avatar did with the Fire Nation I don't see how I can do the same. Zuko was banished for speaking out of turn at a military meeting, objecting to a cruel dishonourable tactic, and refusing to fight his own father in a duel. Not for objecting to the war itself. He and his mom still laughed at pre-redemption Iroh's "joke" about burning Ba Sing Se. They're good people but at this point they are still very Fire Nation. Seeing the good in other nations and himself was part of his growth. Book 2 Zuko in that Earth Kingdom village came a long way from the bratty prince who called Katara a peasant. Fire doesn't have to be destructive, it can be righteous fury, it can be holy and spiritual, it can be life. But the Rape Ape orcs and exploding goat fuckers and Goblin swindlers aren't fire, they're darkness, they're rot. What good thing could they do for others? Help the heroes take down an even worse threat I made up? I couldn't imagine anything worse than them if I had a gun to my head.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353453
353455 353545
Is it retarded for me to literally invent good minorities and countries that can be our allies in our struggle for survival, or is it a smart writing choice that lets me make the world feel more fleshed out and lived in than "good place vs evil place and nothing matters beyond that"? I'm having a lot of fun drawing bird people and their weird bird people places.
Anonymous
a840e93
?
No.353455
353458 353517
>>353453
>Is it retarded for me to literally invent good minorities and countries that can be our allies in our struggle for survival
Yes.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353458
>>353455
It's a break from reality to have more countries than just the Light ones and Dark ones and ones that don't matter to their fight but it seems like a necessary one, like glossing over the logistical nightmare of preparing for a voyage across the ocean and the day to day mundanity of life on a weeks long intercontinental boat trip. I should add Fire people, Ice people, Water people, Plant people, maybe Earth and Air and Lightning people, interesting places in this fantasy world full of interesting people to save from the darkness.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353517
>>353455
Sorry if it seems like I'm only asking these questions so I can ignore your answer. That's not my intention, I promise. While my insecurity compelled me to ask "Is this retarded?" because it's an idea I thought of, I don't see what's retarded about it.
Worst case scenario, it detracts from the awesomeness of the hero as an individual and maybe also ruins the message by making the heroes of this tale only able to accomplish their goal of defeating darkness by relying on people we cannot rely on to help us defeat darkness because they don't exist in our world.
But I have ruined previous stories I worked on by asking myself "Will this make the hero cooler?" instead of "Will this improve the story?" and I think it will improve the story if there were more nations in this world than just the Light Nation the heroes must save and the Dark Horde invading them from Darkland.
Anonymous
9f5a4f9
?
No.353545
353550
>>353453
It's only retarded if you make it retarded, but the amount of consideration you seem to be giving it sounds like it might be retarded.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353550
353551
>>353545
How is that what decides whether it is retarded?
Anonymous
9f5a4f9
?
No.353551
353566
>>353550
It's just a hunch. The way you're asking about it suggests that you may feel it's retarded. If it feels retarded, it's retarded.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353566
353570
>>353551
I'm putting bird people in my story. Examples of the hero's goodness inspires loyalty in the good and loathing in the evil. Bird people, fish people, they all love the hero and his people.
Anonymous
37d1666
?
No.353570
353584
Wow! Snide Glimmer!.jpeg
>>353566
Satanic Dubs Nigel, you're always asking questions for (You)s, but have you made any steps towards writing your stories yet? Is the memory of Glim Gland's Grand Gaping Gala of Gay adventures still haunting you?
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353584
>>353570
The game is playable but 40% placeholder sprites and placeholder dialogue while I continue working. Intro still feels too long and devoid of action even after I decided the intro should feature three ordinary days in the hero's life before shit hits the fan.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353695
>bee girl joins party because she realized the Goblins replaced her hive's Queen Bee with a Wasp ensuring the worker Bees will be outbred and replaced no matter how hard they work
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353755
353762
>hero watches a documentary on history relevant to his people and world then makes it a YTP using a magic computer for fun to justify why he would watch a documentary on something he already knows
Or
>protagonist as a boy watches a documentary while his parents argue about money and politics in the background
Or
>hero goes to a cinema and watches a documentary with his girlfriend then rants to her about all the historical inaccuracies up to and including hiring Orcs to play important figures from his history, even though Orcs burn down theatres that do the reverse to Orcs and Orc characters.
Or
>one of hero's friends runs an illegal pirate radio station to give speeches about why rebellion is good and what the government is lying about this week
Or
>hero saves a library from monsters and is rewarded with a history book he reads in the next scene
Or
>hero is a child and his grandma redpills him on the jews and orcs with a history book, son reads it himself later when she dies and finds it is full of anti-his people propaganda, revisionist history demonizing his people, granny told him the real story she lived through because she wanted him to know the truth
Or
>hero tells his new amnesiac friend about all the history the aforementioned scenes would cover

Which is the best way to explain why the black Orcs hate us and the Goblins are to blame for this brutal irrational world we live in?
Anonymous
0eeb02c
?
No.353762
353763
>>353755
>In which way should I introduce my infodump? A, B, C...
Just don't have an infodump. GG agrees, infodumps are boring. Why do you feel the need to do it this? Like do it if you really want to but know that I would get bored by a huge infodump explaining this whole world universe. This is the reason I had such a struggle to move past the first pages of the Fellowship of the ring.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353763
353784
>>353762
My story has stuff that's too complicated to cover in the one minute or less between gameplay segments I'm aiming for. Sure there are optional conversations where each pair of playable characters get three scenes of conversation each but how the hell do I casually work "And now I will tell you the story of my nation's birth, rise, and fall, and also my life's story" into those? Plus, I can't work this into those because they're optional and I have no guarantee everyone will see enough of them to understand the setting and conflict. I guess I could do a Mass Effect style "Monsterpedia" that explains each enemy type and also infodumps the backstory of the world, the central conflict, and each character onto players who care. But that feels inauthentic. How often do good books dump that shit in the back after the main story?
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353781
>be construction yard worker
>have tough horsegirl fren to contrast all the weak bitches and smart girl fren to contrast all the dumb bitches
>all three are here because this corrupt society doesn't want their kind doing what they are good at
>work for hours straight together and eventually get a break
>ignore comments from managers of managers of assistant managers and useless girls who sat around drinking tea together all day when you were working
>read historical fiction about life in an era important to the story later, rest head on table and fantasize about being in it
>combat level ensues even though shit hasn't hit the fan yet
>get to write funny awful dialogue for the fantasy segment probably
I fucking love narcolepsy. Any time I feel the need to squeeze more backstory in to explain a thing or squeeze more violence in because I fear people are getting bored the hero can pass out and relive a moment from his past or kill a hundred orcs in dreamland.

>be at library with frens
>search for good book to give to amnesiac fren
>this is represented in gameplay as a sudden fight with propaganda books that fly off the shelves to attack you
This moment feels a bit too divorced from reality. The hero isn't supposed to see shit that isn't there. This feels too videogamey. Unless the books are actually enchanted to attack as a form of defense against thoughtcrimers seeking out books in the forbidden section this probably shouldn't be here, right?
Anonymous
6890474
?
No.353784
353785
>>353763
>How often do good books dump that shit in the back after the main story?
Sure, but how often do good books dump their whole backstory at the begining? Like, it can work. Like, I listen to the audiobook of Path of the Jedi and that's all lore and shit. However, I was already invested in that universe. Again LOTR The Fellowship of The Ring starts with an infodump on hobbiton. It's hard to get through but you do because you know it's a good story.
I just think those infodumps of your stories are boring and when I think about it, it's always been those blocks of texts that kills your stories for me, more than anything else.

You do you though.
Anonymous
6890474
?
No.353785
353791
>>353784
On that note, you have paced out your exposition before. Two stories come to mind: The one where twi and RD are lesing out (or something (I don't remember)) and the one where twi and spike talks about how being a princess and her new crystal castle is awkward.
There plot happened yet nuggets of backstory came through in waves. Do that instead.

You don't even have to do it organically -- things doesn't have to be explained through subtle hints nor characters' dialogue. Just Cut your infordump paragraph into pieces and then insert those pieces into your plot just before the reader needs them to know what is going on.
Anonymous
2b19be3
?
No.353791
353792
>>353785
Those fimfics relied on the audience's familiarity with ponyland to understand the world and care about the characters for the duration of very short stories. I have to do a lot more if I want people to care about these fictional people and their plight without coming away from it saying retarded shit like "The heroes shouldn't've killed anyone and the Empire from Star Wars did nothing wrong aside from blowing up planets I didnt care about for not submitting, because I didnt see them doing enough evil shit to get me emotionally invested in their downfall". Even though they're a simplistic childish nazi germany allegory that lost a jungle war to prehuman savages in space vietnam like americans and work with fat jew mob bosses like Jabba the Hut aka jewed americans and follows the Tolkien-Orc Genghis Khan and Independence Day Aliens inspired "inhuman monsters conquering and spreading like a cancer until the leader is killed" trope exactly.

Proofreaders are complaining about the story's sudden frontloading of bleak darkness before the heroes start to rebel and make the world a better place. This would be so much easier if the villain was a god of darkness or nature sick of humanity's shit worshipped by Grimleal fanatics and convinced her globohomo ecocommunist global reset into a new world of wild animals and helpless servile slaves was the best thing to do, opposed by the god of light and knowledge and humanity and other white things and his loyal follower from the objectively good fantasy kingdom of niceness.
Anonymous
6890474
?
No.353792
353811
>>353791
>I have to do a lot more if I want people to care about these fictional people and their plight without coming away from it saying retarded shit like
Ehh, do you? I think simple characters can be fairly memorable and likeable. You don't need to flesh out everything about a character in one go neither do you need to establish the entire world and it's history in one go.
But sure, you have a point. But again, I don't see why you can't space this out.

Tbh, I can sort of sense what you want to have in this story. You scene where the main character discover the nature of the world he exists in. Bascially, you want your mc to get redpilled. Also, that the truth he finds is essentially the truth we find ourselves in since I get the feeling that your fictional universe is equivalent to our universe.

So it goes without saying that you want to establish the world before mc get redpilled and start to see through the veil. Then after this you want the plot to kick in. That's the feeling I get from you.

Try to slow down. You need the scenes where your main character goes through his daily routines, which establishes the wrongness of the world he exists in.

But I get this feeling that you want this for a game? A fighting game? If so, I suggest you take a note from Tekken 4: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_t6eQxyOtc&ab_channel=LordCloudStrife
Keep it concise and focused. The shortness is of deep value. Probably a focus on motivation and plot.
Anonymous
6890474
?
No.353793
353865
>>353345
So I'm eagerly waiting for your opinion (If you still feel up for it) on my piece and your next chapter in the muffindetective saga.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353811
>>353792
A fighting game style intro could wok, nice. Have you seen playthroughs of Fire Emblem games where they don't skip the level intro and level outro cutscenes, any mid level cutscenes, or mid level text boxes here and there? That's the story to gameplay ratio I am aiming for.
The FE series has its archetypes, ideas that keep coming back, ans usually there's a Jagen. A player character OP early on that drops off in power rapidly to punish the player for relying on it. An elderly veteran warrior, typically a man on horseback, who won't get much stronger during combat. The storyline might even kill the Jagen off automatically to symbolically remove your safety net. But to have this safety net in the first place early on just doesn't fit the tone of my game. I could give the protags some kind of Master Splinter character standing around watching the heroes and stepping in only if they're fucked but early on they're alone and without allies or hope. They have to become hope.
in Fates, the Jagen was a Dragonstone weapon for the protag, a stat boosting weapon in a category that doesnt gain weapon skill exp on use in a game where weapon exp is important. Already gave my character a unique attack to fulfill that purpose. And a blinding attack. And an aoe ally buff. I'll never know if the dragonstone was designed that way first before the 3 sides to fight on were conceptualized and it would be harder to give the players self insert a Jagen or vice reversa. Maybe it was an accident, both sides have a designated strong guy: Xander and Ryona.

Seems the best Jagen characters provide utility to their party beyond the option to erase enemies and their exp rewards from the map, which is something you'll ideally want to do as little as possible. Could heal or strengthen allies somehow, increase exp or weapon exp gain for adjacent allies, could weaken enemies, could rescue and ferry units around like a taxi with his mount, could deal low damage to enemies while surviving counterattacks your weaker units couldnt to get those units ready to earn the kill, could block chokepoints with his high DEF and HP better than your armoured knight while probably also lacking his weakness to magic.

To combine the best of these into one unit I'd make a tough flying horse-riding healer who fights using Shields and Light Magic, light magic is great for healing and buffing your guys and weakening enemies while elemental and dark magic focus more on battle, his class skill makes him unable to kill enemies(they survive with 1hp and therefore cannot have ther exp wasted on the jagen) and whose personal skill buffs adjacent ally exp and weapon exp gain. He can't Dance (spend your turn making an ally able to move twice this turn) but he can still support. The optimized perfect jagen in character form dedicated to supporting, not outshining, his alles. One of these days, I should make Shitpost Emblem where the Jagen is a Dancer and the Lord rejects combat to become a Healer and they have to rely on comically awful companions kicked out of other FE games for being too shit. Comedy gold because that's not normal for titty chess games with their super serious plots and generic hero guys and gruff OP old man friends.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353834
Had this idea where the hero joins a rebellion that helps him with the fighting. He sacrifices himself to let his friends escape when a mission goes bad, allowing himself to be captured alive.
He surrenders to the enforcers that beat him senseless before dragging him into a police van.
He is subjected to injustices and abuses many real whites have faced in this system, in the courtroom and when being held waiting for trial.
He is put on trial, where those who knew him and loved him beg for his life only to be silenced and abused by the horde whipped into a frenzy out for white blood. These people aren't willing to kill Goblins so they can't save him, begging a demon to see reason and do the right thing is like begging the rain not to fall. Those who never met him are given a platform to preach absurd slander about him. The propaganda doesn't have to be convincing to convince those who want to be convinced. His own lawyer was chosen by the state to betray him and the judge is a smug antiwhite jew who loves his villainous pseudointellectual speeches. The hero might even be accused of killing six million goblins somehow though that might be going too far.
The hero thinks to himself, these normies among the crowd are the people he wanted to save from the enemy they serve. What was the point? He thinks of all the people he saved fighting, and remembers why he fought. He remembers all the people who died fighting, and wished he was invincible. Wished he was a chosen one granted by god the strength to break these chains and burn every goblin here with holy fire.
If someone asked you to draw emptiness, would you draw an empty box, or something else defined by the absence of what should be there? You know emptiness when you see it, even if you can't clearly define it. The same is true for justice. Countless men could argue over what it means to do good, but they would all agree this fallen empire isn't justice.
He is eventually sentenced to public execution, also known as a show trial where the truth doesn't matter followed by one or more life sentences in prisons designed to torture, to kill, to strip you of your rights and house you among the worst people imaginable for being a bigger threat to the ruling class than any of them could ever be. They would call for an axe to take his head off if they felt merciful. They don't feel merciful. They want him in a box to be tortured slowly and made into a spectacle.
There is no justice in this system.
He is eventually freed by the rebellion but the shit he sees should shake the naivete and mercy out of him, and remind him it is victory or death. I'm just not sure how hard I want to go with this scene/story arc. Too much darkness would break the audience's spirit. Too much realism would make them call this reality inspired work of fiction unrealistic. Up until this point the hero has been a boy scout. He started out empty and hopeless but then he started learning the right ideology for the first time like a man learning to hope for the first time, unlearning all the lies taught to him about his people. In early drafts he already knew everything and had no way to grow and was the educator who helped others learn the truth, changing that and making him this vulnerable hurt human guy doing his best to do the right thing, taking this innocent soul and making him learn the truth as he does good in a society that hates good was the secret ingredient I needed.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.353865
353866 353888
unknown (3).png
>>352793
>>353793
First off, I should probably note that there's still quite a bit of the usual ESL and grammar issues in here that I usually comment on. There isn't significantly more or less of it than in the last thing of yours that I read, so I'm not really going to spend much time going through any of that, but it is still noticeable. You might want to consider running your pieces through Grammarly or something similar before posting them, as it might help with readability. There are some free alternatives you can use as well:
https://www.grammarlookup.com/grammarly-alternatives/

Anyway, grammar and spelling aside, the overall quality of this is pretty good. It's a very action-heavy scene, so descriptions of physical space and the positioning of characters in relation to each other is important. The scene was easy to visualize, and your descriptions are simple and focused on the important details. Anon is green and wears baggy pants, the minotaur has a muscular physique incidentally, in your text you have it spelled as "physic", this is the sort of error that Grammarly could help correct, the alligator walks on hind legs and wears armor over his belly. Spatial descriptions are similar: the setting is an arena, the audience is a group of "demi-humans," what exactly this means is not made immediately clear, but presumably it will become clearer as the story proceeds, audience members in the front row are armed and allowed to attack the combatants if they try to escape. We can immediately visualize the setting and the characters from what you give us, as well as make some inferences about Anon's situation. Description in this is short and to the point, focusing on essential details while moving the story along quickly. This is a good way to approach writing this sort of thing. There are also some minor details you include in here, like the alligator's tail making a line in the sand as he walks, that help to flesh out the scene. Nice job there.

This is good too:

>Anon looked puzzled but then felt his back hit something. He whirled around and found that he’d walked into one of the only corners the arena had. The walls were circular but the gates one enter through protruded and between their frames and the walls of the ring where corners.
The line about corners made me raise an eyebrow, since I was fairly sure you established that the arena was round, but you immediately clarify what you meant. What's more, you manage to succinctly explain it in a single brief sentence, without deviating off into a long spaghetti-paragraph about a minor detail. You're learning to anticipate these things and deal with them before the reader asks; nice job here as well.

That said, there are a few issues:

>He felt the breath of Crocs’ jaws on his neck as he finished his roll. He grabbed the tail and hurled himself out of harms’ way while tossing the tail up in the air of where he just had been.
>He saw how Crocs bit into his tail and spun. A terrible crack was heard and Anon knew he had won.
The description here is a bit vague. I'm assuming what happens is that Crocs tries to bite anon, but Anon ducks under his jaws, vaults his tail, grabs the tail, and then uses it to throw Crocs, and then somehow the tail ends up in Crocs's mouth. Either that or he somehow forces the tail into the lizard's mouth and makes him bite it. However, that's just my assumption, it's not 100% clear what's going on here. This bit should be rewritten to make it a little more clear what's happening.

>Statled, Anon jumped back from crocs large maw that lay next to his feets. Crocs leapt again, this time a shorter distance since he had been lying down.
Was Crocs lying down? There is no mention of him changing his posture to this position, yet this passage suggests we should already have this information. The last time we heard about Crocs, he was standing on his hind legs. What I'm assuming you meant is that Crocs dropped into a crouching or lying position in order to attack, but you skip the part where he actually does this. It would be a significant detail if the character were an ordinary human, and it's even more significant if he's supposed to be a half-man half-crocodile. An actual crocodile walks on four legs, but a half-crocodile presumably doesn't. It's important that the reader know what they are supposed to be imagining, so you want to be clear on details like this. Also, while Anon can't be statled, he can certainly be startled, and "feet" is already plural, so you don't need to add an 's'. Here, let me post that link again for you:
https://www.grammarlookup.com/grammarly-alternatives/

>The rest of the pant’s leg tore apart up to the waist, revealing Anon’s green thights.
"Thights" is just another spelling error, but in this case it's a little more of a big deal because it looks like you could be misspelling two different words, either of which could make sense in this context: thighs or tights. Since you've already established that Anon is green, I'm assuming you mean that the alligator ripped Anon's pants and revealed his green thigh. However, it's also plausible that Anon could be wearing green tights under his pants though that might look a little gay tbh. You have to be careful about things like this. Also, "pant's leg" implies that the leg belongs to a pant, and I'm not familiar with any such animal, nor was one mentioned in the scene. I'm assuming you meant "pants leg." Here, let me post that link again for you:
https://www.grammarlookup.com/grammarly-alternatives/

>Anon’s eyes were huge but then he force anger into his eyes.
>He ripped the ground with his claws in blind furry.
>He dragged his hand along his exposed tighe as he remebered the force that ripped his pants asunder.
One last time, let me post that link for you:
https://www.grammarlookup.com/grammarly-alternatives/
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.353866
353888
2022-10-13.png
>>353865

Anyway, I'm liking the story itself so far too. The scene is a fairly straightforward arena-match between the standard Anon character and a lizard-man (attached is an artist's rendition of what the combatants might look like). However, there are some things here that pique the reader's curiosity and makes them want to know more about what's really going on. The scene is good enough to be interesting on it's own, but it teases at a larger story and makes the reader want to find out more.

First off, it seems as if most of the characters in this setting are anthropomorphic animals. There's the lizardman of course, as well as the minotaur, the dragon, the "demi-human" audience, and so forth; however, Anon himself is human. This is a common enough premise; usually Anon (or the generic human) is a traveler from another world, or something similar. However, the minotaur explicitly calls Anon his son, and the term "pure-blood" is used. This implies that Anon actually comes from this world, but is perceived as some kind of black sheep due to some abnormality he was born with. Moreover, the premise seems to invert the usual abnormality: instead of Anon being some kind of half-animal in a world of humans, he's a full human in a world of half-human half-animals.

I'm a little unclear on how a half-man half-bull would be able to produce a "pureblood" son. I notice that the brother character is a half-jaguar, and assuming they have the same father, this could indicate that the animal traits are not necessarily passed down, but it's also considered normal for everyone to have an animal half; ie a half-bull could mate with a half-deer or a half-sasquatch or something to that effect, and the union could produce a half-jaguar son. Basically, the animal half is particular to the individual and doesn't necessarily require one of the parents to be the same animal. In the case of Anon, the abnormality is that he doesn't have an animal half at all. Is that more or less the premise? It's a little unclear how it all works, but again it's interesting, and I'm assuming it will become clearer as the story progresses.

Also interesting is that the story closes with an interaction between Anon and his brother, while the title of the story is "Brother-Killer." The two brothers seem to get along, but it's clear that Anon and his father don't. Is this a prelude to some sort of tragedy that ends with Anon killing his jaguar brother? Or is there a third brother, who was already killed by Anon for some reason? Perhaps this has something to do with why Anon and his father don't get along? We don't know, but we're curious; that's always a good way to start things.

I also liked the way the Anon character was portrayed. He clearly knows something about fighting, and he ultimately prevails in his arena battle, but he's also intimidated by the lizardman and the hostility of the crowd. At the end of the fight, he seems to be in a state of near-shock at having come close to death. The character isn't portrayed as some swaggering, invincible bad-ass showing off his skills, but a frightened ordinary man, who for some reason has to fight in an arena battle while his father watches. The character clearly has some humanity and depth: he tries to project confidence, but doesn't always succeed, and inwardly he's afraid but he pushes through it because he has to. It gives the character more depth and nobility than if he were simply some bad-ass ninja who just btfos every enemy he comes across. Nice job here as well.

Anyway, all in all, I think you did a good job with this. It's a promising opening; I'll be curious to read more of it.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.353867
353887 353929
Actually, while I have everyone's attention I'd like to ask again for some reads on this one:

>>351627

It was written for a timed competition, so it's rough and ends rather abruptly. I kind of liked where it was going and am debating whether or not it's worth finishing.
Anonymous
ec2b218
?
No.353887
353959
>>353867
Okay. What does "EFNW" mean?
Anonymous
ec2b218
?
No.353888
>>353865
>>353866
Thanks for your input.
Funny SoulCalibour customization.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353895
It would be cool if the hero of my story could see the ghosts of his genocided people and be helped in fights by them because these ghosts objectively exist while demons lack full souls, right?

Avatar Aang was helped by ghosts, like his past lives, and that was awesome in Avatar. Luke had ghost friends too, Force Ghosts. How many pieces of fiction give the heroes spiritual advisors to some degree? The hero could even see his own parents, who died fighting the enemy, when he becomes more spiritually aware and becomes able to face them with pride in his people even though society wants him ashamed of his race.

But giving the hero ghost summoning powers is a degree of abstraction from reality. Killing orcs with swords and bows and pipe bombs and landslides and magic book flamethrowers is one thing. Killing them with ghosts? It's weird. Men talking to ghosts instead of God is weird.

The homosexual who looks like an American voter map, the upcoming official Fire Emblem game protagonist, he summons the ghosts of the protagonists of previous fire emblem games to aid him in fights because goyslop crossovers and nostalgia are popular right now. That's such a lazy way to waste the idea of being aided by ghosts. My protag is cooler than this walking pride flag for a perversion that doesn't exist yet. And my hero has more reason to summon ghost allies than this dragonkin genderfluid twink whose mom fucked a multicoloured ballpoint pen. 3 Houses was full of cut content and unexplored potential so it seems the devs are taking a break from trying, churning out formulaic clicheslop instead.

Summoning the ghosts of your dead family to help you fight the empire that genocided them and is trying to genocide all of you is cooler than just happening to have a ton of past lives or just happening to be able to summon copyrighted Flier Embullshit(tm) characters. Fuck summoning "heroes and villains from other worlds" to do your heroism for you, this isn't a gacha game. Summoning past lives aka genetic strangers to tell you their wisdom isn't as directly connected to family as being able to summon ghosts directly related to you. It also lets me characterize the hero's dead family members and give them screentime and unique weapons and maybe even character arcs without having to cram all their characterization into one flashback they get before they die helping the hero escape the genocide. Hell, maybe the hero could travel around meeting new ghosts of people the empire fucked over and adding them to his ghost collection like a pokemon trainer. It all seems like a positive aside from how it takes combat one more degree away from gritty realism and invites schizo "I see dead people" jokes.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this idea but I'm not asking you to make the decision for me.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353906
353924
04yw3eikyzn91.jpg
maxresdefault (1).jpg
Fci1h9kWYAI02ir.jpeg
Forgot to post toothpastefag.

I shouldn't care about what FE does when making my story. But I feel like I could do the concept of being aided by ghosts better and work it into my story better. From the trailers FE Engage seems like a homosexual non story where you're jerked off for waking up as the chosen one supergod divine dragon man who can uae rings to summon dead marketable characters to kill monsters for him, and all his foes are cartoon supervillains serving satandragon or zombies he summoned.

My protag is already the survivor of an attempted massacre by the government. Letting him see his loved ones and letting them continue to affect the world, warning him of enemy ambushes and killing foes on the battlefield... would this take away from the tragedy of this loss, more than it would help make each dead family member a character the audience can get to know over time?
Anonymous
a90ce94
?
No.353924
353932
17-The-Big-Lebowski-quotes.jpg
>>353906
Anonymous
44c2455
?
No.353929
353959
>>353867
>>351627
>"...and then Sunny Starscout became an alicorn, and Equestria was ruined forever."
>A.K. Yearling's hoofwriter fell silent. She leaned back in her chair, frowning as she read over the last few paragraphs of her manuscript. It wasn't the best thing she'd ever written,
Hehe, so you start off breaking the fourth wall, which I think is fine since the reader can't possibly be immersed into the story yet.

One of my petpeeves (or käpp(-)häst in Swedish (translates into "can-horse")) in stories is when there are writer characters in the story. My opinion is that if there is a character that likes to writer or is a writer, I want a full story laser-focused on that or it will break my immersion. I often find these characters to be author surrogates and that the end up spouting their writing philosophy through these characters.

This is not what happens here though. Instead you use this break in the fourth wall to troll people in the fandom, so all in all. Good taste. Remembering my own, embarrasing overreaction to G5, you're specifically targeting me it seems. So thanks.

Also, since Daring Do is canonically a writer, it fits what she would be doing. I just wanted to give you my personal input.

Actually, now when I think about it, if G5 is set in future Equestria, this sort of makes Daring Doo a prophet, doesn't it? Kek.

But this opening sets the tone: Comedy. Let's see if that's how the story continues.

>Was it Ahuizotl? Caballeron? Her publisher?
Comedy in threes and a subversion on the expected pattern of villains: Clever. You forced a chuckle from me and smile onto my face. Fagit.

>The pony in the doorway, who had clearly been startled by her reaction, recovered herself and smoothed back her oily mane.
Cool detail. The character actually reacted on Daring Do's flight or fight response. Easy to forget to characterize, I think.

>wanly
I learn a bunch of new words.

>"Tell the King I would be honored to attend."
The paragraphs around this sentence indicate a tone shift in the story. Suddenly, it's a very serious story. Tone shifts are natural parts of stories. This is not a critque, just pointing out how I first precived this story as a comedy due to the opening and then it seems to shift into something serious, unless I there's a subversion just waiting around the corner.
Again, I see no fault here at all. Stories can begin jovial to turn serious. Just wanted to share how I precived the story thus far for your benefit.

>"It can't be..." she whispered.
>And yet it was.
>"You have to eat all the eggs!" the Mareharishi hissed triumphantly.
>A.K. Yearling could only stare in horror at the abomination before her.
>"Eggs!" she whispered. "Why did it have to be eggs?
Heh, Daring Doo could infact not like eggs and this works in meta way as well. I, however, if I found myself in Daring's horseshoes, would claim I was egg allergic. Also, a what kind of King serves their honor guest a bowl of eggs?

I laughed but because of the build up, the punchline that came from the sudden tone shift you built up was bit dampend. Since what Daring was reacting to was a dish not anything dangerous, I already knew that the tone was shifting towards comedy before the reveal that cemented the puncline and subversion happened. If it had been something that could have been dangerous instead of just silly but later was revealed to be silly the serious tone you built up would all come crashing down in that moment instead gradually over some paragraphs.
It feels redundant explaining the nuances to you though, GG, since I consider you a master shitposter and myself just a novice and you probably got exactly where I was going with this at the time I called attention to it. Comedy is one of your fortes.

>"I...I can't do it!" Yearling was close to tears. "I...just...don't...like....EGGS!!"
Why do you tease me like this?

Also, I notice that you have two indiana Jones refrences in here: The first one is obvious, "Sneks y sneks?" but second one is, maybe it's more of a homage, that scene in the second movie where they are invited to eat monkey brain.

>The tribe had responded accordingly, immediately devolving into factions: those that supported the old King, and those who supported the challenger.
Okay okay, didn't see that comming. Thought the tribe would hunt her down not that some would side with her.

>Daring Do, however, had no time to lament over spilled milk; or spilled eggs,
>Spilled eggs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9h7dsmO38c&ab_channel=DouchebagChocolat
0:47?

>Not with her deadline only a few days away. There was also the pesky matter of the amulet.
Priorities:)

>"It hasn't happened yet," she muttered. "Maybe there's still time..."
Yeah. that's a cliffhanger alright. You should be glad, I walk away from it feeling sad that I got no closure that is a good grade imo.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353932
353933
>>353924
So in a new shit game the protag summons the ghosts of marketable characters from previous games in his franchise to help him fight, and that's gay.
My story and game could do the idea of summoning ghosts to help you fight better, by making the hero exclusively able to summon the ghosts of family members the Goblin government killed.
Cool, right?
But I'm not sure if I want to do that.
One, giving the hero the power to summon ghosts makes him special, and I don't want him to be a chosen one with special powers, just a regular man who lives a shit life until he starts rebelling and fighting for a better one.
And two, seeing ghosts and talking to dead family members is schizo stuff. People will joke about that and call my story's protagonist a schizo. Even though the ghosts are objectively real.
Anonymous
a9b3d9e
?
No.353933
353934
>>353932
>One, giving the hero the power to summon ghosts makes him special, and I don't want him to be a chosen one with special powers
What if he earns it mid-game through an impressive feat or something?
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353934
353950
>>353933
You're a fucking genius. He needs to earn the ghost power! Being able to see his family again after all that time will be incredibly emotional, too. He could earn that spirit summoning power by heading to a place where there are others like him to teach him, and then he could help defend it from an enemy attack.
Anonymous
a9b3d9e
?
No.353950
>>353934
Glad you found it useful.
Anonymous
d56d26b
?
No.353954
Been reading more books. Why do many stories about rebellion make the hero an authority figure who "should" be in charge, someone able to use his unfair advantages obtained through his birth like magic chosen one powers or inherited riches or genetic superiority and natural talent? If he's not a conquering king from the good land taking over the bad land or removing a check/balance on the throne's power like religious authorities or the aristocracy from his own good kingdom, he's the one good member of the royal family kicked out of the castle for being too nice. Even if the hero seemingly comes from nothing he has to turn out to be related to someone in power. It's like editors were taught at editor school "always tell the writer to make the protag The Hidden King or retcon him to be that later". Why? I don't get it. Is it to make the idea of him as the new king more palatable to authority worshippers? So they'll cheer when the "good" king gains the power of life and death over everyone when he takes that from the "bad" emperor? There's more to an institution than its head. Changing who rules over a dystopia designed to be governed by force and fear isn't enough, the way the government works should be changed to turn ruled subjects into free men. Or at least the subjects able to earn their freedom. But all these feel-good stories seem designed to masturbate readers who want to self insert as the rightful heir to the throne, and ending the story with "By the way I'm abolishing the caste system and monarchy and writing a constitutional list of citizen's rights" wouldn't be considered as universally appealing as "By the way I'm abdicating the throne and fucking off far away or suiciding for the sake of a tortured Christ imitation, have fun ruling this hellhole without me even though this land only ever has problems when I'm not ruling it and complaining about how boring things are". Maybe I'm reading the wrong material but so far I can't find any good stories about overthrowing evil in a medieval fantasy world.
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.353959
353961 354013
>>353887
>Okay. What does "EFNW" mean?
Everfree Northwest, it's a pony con in Seattle. They hold a writing competition every year where they give you two hours to pull a story out of your ass, that has to fit a list of parameters that they give you. This years rules were that your story had to contain "a guru, a guerilla and a gaffe." Some of the awkward bits in this story were the result of me attempting to wedge those things in.

>>353929
>I often find these characters to be author surrogates and that the end up spouting their writing philosophy through these characters.
That's generally how it works. If you don't overdo it, it's a good way to throw some of your random thoughts into your text without derailing it. In this case, the opening line was just something funny that popped into my head. My original idea was to have that line be the end of a bedtime story that Cadance was reading to Twilight, but I couldn't think of anywhere else to take it that wasn't pornographic. So, I decided to make it the last line of a presumably very shitposty Daring Do novel.

>Heh, Daring Doo could infact not like eggs and this works in meta way as well. I, however, if I found myself in Daring's horseshoes, would claim I was egg allergic. Also, a what kind of King serves their honor guest a bowl of eggs?
The egg thing made it in there because I needed Daring Do to make a gaffe of some kind. I figured I'd have her violate some ancient tribal taboo by refusing to eat something she was offered, decided to make it a bowl of eggs because it was funny. Unfortunately there were fewer people from 4chan there than I expected; none of the reviewers got the joke and were mostly confused by it. That's the risk you run when you reference something outside the story for humor, but in this case I think it works.

There was another entry in the competition called "Gaslight Gatekeep Girlboss" that attempted the same thing: referencing an internet meme for laughs. I didn't get the joke there, but presumably the judges did, because it won honorable mention for having a funny title. I looked it up and apparently it's some normie meme that originated on Tumblr and moved to Twitter; I can't quite figure out what it means, though. It generally helps to know your audience.

Anyway, I'm glad my egg joke was appreciated.

>It feels redundant explaining the nuances to you though, GG, since I consider you a master shitposter
Thank you.

>The tribe had responded accordingly, immediately devolving into factions: those that supported the old King, and those who supported the challenger.
>Okay okay, didn't see that comming. Thought the tribe would hunt her down not that some would side with her.
If I remember correctly, at this point in the story I had something like 15 min left in the competition, and I realized I needed to put in something about a guerilla. I decided to just have the tribe break into guerilla warfare with each other over the egg snafu. In the rewrite I might try to expand on this part a bit.

>Yeah. that's a cliffhanger alright. You should be glad, I walk away from it feeling sad that I got no closure that is a good grade imo.
Nice, thank you for your input; I'm glad you liked it. I'm going to try to finish it up at some point in the somewhat near future.
Anonymous
9c3692a
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No.353961
353969
>>353959
>Gaslight Gatekeep Girlboss
Parody of "Live Laugh Love" (generic fake-uplifting greetings-card slogan shit you'd see on the walls of whores) that's semi-ironically calling attention to the toxicity of the archetypical "strong independent working businesswoman typically in middle management" persona and her manipulative underhanded domineering dishonest generally-unpleasant nature. They mock the unpleasantness of that stereotypical bitch when they aren't pretending it's something to celebrate.
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.353969
353977
>>353961
>They mock the unpleasantness of that stereotypical bitch when they aren't pretending it's something to celebrate.
Is that all it is? Nothing new about that; women have been passive-aggressively backstabbing each other since the dawn of time.
Anonymous
60bd8c4
?
No.353977
>>353969
>Is that all it is? Nothing new about that; women have been passive-aggressively backstabbing each other since the dawn of time.
Why does it need to be more or new? Race realism isn't new either but making memes on the subject isn't bad considering how the world is.
Anonymous
9b0b2bd
?
No.354013
354018 354061
Spoilered
Spoilered
>>353959
So I have this desire to write a story with you, kinda like how I did with Norway in that comp I asked you to judge. What can I say, I really dig that concept of relay writing. As you have probably noticed by the fact that I have tried/done it three times by now.

But I also know that I have problems with finishing what I start and would suck as a partner, despite how I like to imagine that "this time things will be different."

I don't know. I just wanted to inform you of what I want even though I haven't come up with any exact/concrete plan or purposal. Just liked to hear what you have to say about this before I bothered to think about any premise or anything.

Is there anyway I can seduce you, GG?
Anonymous
d1e344b
?
No.354018
354108
1573975933606.png
>>354013
>But I also know that I have problems with finishing what I start and would suck as a partner, despite how I like to imagine that "this time things will be different."
KEK
You think you're bad, kid?
Anonymous
9c3692a
?
No.354056
If each character in my story has to fulfill a purpose to the story and themes, the protagonist's birth parents and adoptive parents are going to be very important people to this tale.
Stories about teenagers saving the world usually make the parents awful people like the Dursleys, or good people who "just don't understand" until they do like Hiccup's dad from How To Train Your Dragon. Or complete afterthoughts. Or people who die as quickly as possible. I've seen the parents used as ideals for the hero to strive for before, by dying before the story begins they gain a sort of mythical status in the eyes of their son. You are descended from heroes who loved you and died fighting for you, not the idiots raising you wrong and holding you back. It's an appealing idea, no wonder Harry Pothead ripped it off.

Perhaps the hero's birth parents should be good people who got killed by the government. They died saving the protagonist and his little sister, or they decided to send them away to foster parents or relatives just before the attack, either way the hero and his little sister are the only survivors of the attack and they are now adopted.

The hero wants to protect his little sister, she's extremely important to him. The orphan he saves in the woods and adppts as his second sister is also important. I was thinking the adoptive parents could be great people without any flaws at all. Or they could be hard working but stuck-in-the-past cuckservative boomers who notice their world's getting worse but refuse to admit (((who))) is to blame and recognize what needs to be done about it. Or maybe the dad's a cuckservative and the mom's a libtard, but they're able to stay married because neither really cares about their principles or political views that strongly, that seems more realistic for that generation. Dad distrusts technology and magic, and forbids his son from having dreams above his social class and studying technology because dad's a retarded cuckservative faggot, and mom pretends to love the invading Orc hordes despite making her son or husband get groceries for her because she doesn't feel safe walking around alone with so many Orcs about even though she doesn't want to admit it. If they were truly good people they would have fought for a better world back when it was easier for them to win instead of selling the country out to the enemy and letting their kids inherit the fallout of their mistakes. And then there would be no story about the heroes fighting back against the system and winning.
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.354061
354068
>>354013
Sure, I can get behind that idea. Just let me know what the details are and when you'd like to get started.
Anonymous
2bcd66c
?
No.354068
354069 354070
d4kjqvi-88b5dc1c-7ef1-47d6-89ba-dde1dd040ae3.png
>>354061
Nice!
I was thinking that in the story we'd write, we'd write every other chapter. The only rule is that everything that is written is canon and belongs in the story's continuity, so now changing afterwards. If we come to a disagreement over the story's progression, I guess we'll get into a retcon war. "Somehow... Palpatine returned." [/s

So one of us writes the first chapter of a story and then we continue from there. I will make sure to proofread through my chapters before posting them. I prmoise.

When it comes to long-term structure. I'll try to do my absolute best to keep up but I don't really demand the same from you. Hopefully, we can inspire the other to continue the story but if it ceases to amuse you, you can always quit. You're not signing on some contract here. Fineprint: Your soul belong to the ride! Obviously, if we feel that this is moving towards a conclusion then we end it as well.

>when you'd like to get started.
At the start of november fits me the best. 7th november at the latest for me.
Anonymous
2bcd66c
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No.354069
354070
>>354068
I fucked up the spoilers sadly. Only, like, one part is suppose to be spoiled.
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.354070
354107 354113
>>354069
I've done that before.

>>354068
Don't stress out too much about structure, this kind of thing is usually just a fun exercise. Ordinarily I'd begin a story by making notes and outlining the general plot, but for something like this it's more fun to just come up with the whole thing on the fly. If we end up with something good we can always edit it so it's more coherent; otherwise my intent is to just have fun and shitpost. I'm probably putting too much thought into this Marlowe thing I'm doing currently; it might actually help me to take a break and do something fun and silly for awhile.
Anonymous
9c3692a
?
No.354101
Designing the bird people and writing them into my story came easy to me because there is a lot you can do with the idea of elements associated with birds. They split into lightning birds and wind birds and snow birds. Different answers to the questions raised by the fall of their empire. But the fish people... I have no idea what to do with the fish people. Water as an element can mean anything. Should there even be a sea kingdom when all aquatic characters can live on land or in the sea just as easily, with no need to moisturize or strap water dispensers over their gills? Fish people could be found anywhere after escaping their hellish underwater communist dictatorship, if they aren't descendants of someone who did. Cutting the sea kingdom as a location to visit seems to help the pacing of what's on the pages so far, but that leaves blank chapters where sea kingdom stuff was planned to go.

Also unfired Chekovs guns are a sign of bad writing, and it's retarded that Littlepip never used an unlabelled Memory Orb and ended up forced to experience her own mother's memories of Littlepip's conception from her mother's perspective.

All that talk of LP viewing too many memory orbs. But the giganigger turbofaggot author never fires that Chekov's Gun, even when LP goes back home and meets her own mother, saves her own mother, and watches her crush call her own mother a faggot.
This would be the perfect time for LP to get a gift from her own mother: A memory orb to defaggotize her. Making mom hate faggots so much she's willing to rape her own daughter by proxy using her own memories of Littlepip's dead or absent father would make the target audience hate her more and that's what good writing is really all about!
Jk.

On a serious note there was this bit where LP saves her vault from baddies who invaded and killed everyone. She sees brains splattered on walls, dead ponies, and the remnants of parties ponies threw for their "new friends". Parties with cake and balloons. Then the author revives characters so they can show up and congratulate LP.

The scene should have been written so that when ponies in the party room saw the designated new friend greeter get shot, everypony fled to the communal emergency bunker, leaving behind all the party shit, maybe trampling some ponies along the way or locking the bunker early with others still unsecured so some vault ponies can die without all vault ponies dying.
Could still find dead ponies and remnants of a party. But now LP would get into exciting unique fights against enemies in long metal coridoors she knows like the back of her girlfriend while trying to stop the enemies from reaching the bunker.
Some Characters established in the opening chapter before LP left the Vault should have died and some should have survived. Instead Kkunt writes as if everyone died and then pretended he didn't.
Fucking shit story. Terrain and weaponry and time limits and objectives and tactics never matter. Nobody splits up to cover multiple objectives and then thinks "fuuuuck fighting without that friend i am used to fighting beside is hard, I really wish Steelhooves was here right now to take bullets for me- oof ouch a bullet grazed me, I wish our healer was here right now but she's needed more elsewhere healing wounded people we're defending". Characters just spray bullets like it's a FPS because the retard author has terminal gamer brain syndrome. Gay.
Anonymous
83e81af
?
No.354107
620355.png
>>354070
>otherwise my intent is to just have fun and shitpost.
Then that's what we will do.
Anonymous
83e81af
?
No.354108
354111
1576367581899.png
sunset_shimmer_and_twilight_sparkle_by_rockset_de3oli1-pre.jpg
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d9h00sj-ab95c484-5e30-4b65-963e-1e033679ff43.jpg
>>354018
>Kiiiiid
I'm one year older than you.
Anonymous
a9b3d9e
?
No.354111
354113
FB_IMG_15817181029052743.jpg
FB_IMG_16136906315025230.jpg
FB_IMG_15804776478198124.jpg
FB_IMG_15847400862340775.jpg
FB_IMG_15736184044099332.jpg
>>354108
Maybe? Never posted my age.
Dangerously based shimpost tho.
Anonymous
83e81af
?
No.354113
354152 354161
>>354111
>Maybe? Never posted my age.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUivBz1s0y8&ab_channel=ponyvangelist
>Dangerously based
This is who I am. I'm not gonna hide that... Any longer!!!
>>354070
Though, I started thinking. What if you shitpost and I write something more serious. Like not super serious that's gonna take time to write but something more plot oriented. I don't feel in the mood for shitposting nor do I really think that I'm that good at it tbh.
Besides comedy works best with contrast, as wise black man E;R once said, "If everything is exaggrated nothing is."
Anonymous
83e81af
?
No.354114
6424800.png
1573754934970.png
horse_butt.png
6456735.png
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Forgot images.
Anonymous
9c3692a
?
No.354124
354130
>hero's birth parents were national socialists in WW2 and the hero saw them die helping him escape
>hero's birth parents were Waco'd recently, they died helping the hero escape, and WW2 happened decades earlier
>hero's birth parents were farmers killed by a communist mob and the cops refused to investigate or prosecute and the hero was sent to live with relatives as if nothing had ever happened even though the killers are still out there, WW2 happened decades earlier
>hero's birth parents were farmers attacked by a communist mob and his father gunned the commies down for tresspassing with intent to kill. Cops arrested him, mom sent hero to live with relatives, other commies arrived later to kill and rape mom, she went down shooting them and when she couldn't fight any more she blew her home up to kill the invaders and herself. Hero's dad can be rescued later in the story.

Which works better for my story?
Anonymous
83e81af
?
No.354130
354143
1cf4afb4389b4db61e0151704251a3af.jpg
>>354124
This is a bad question. I haven't read your story. You need to answer this one yourself. Afterall, it depends on what you're going for.
Anonymous
9c3692a
?
No.354143
354145 354152
>>354130
I know I have to be the one who decides on the final answer to these questions, but I was hoping to hear people's opinions on these answers.
The hero fleeing from the massacre of his family, looking back just in time to see them die to buy him the time to escape, only escaping with his little sister and the knowledge that his enemy is evil and he must protect his sister... It felt too emotional in a way that makes it feel unrealistic.
The hero and his sister getting sent away before the massacre and then learning about it later didn't have enough emotion behind it.
Anonymous
83e81af
?
No.354145
354148 354156
>>354143
But the thing is, I don't know what you're aiming for. All of those alternatives could work in the hands of a skilled writer.

If you are unsure of what level of emotion you want your begining to have, I guess you'll have to figure that out.

But if I'm suppose to come with sugguestions then I say copy this scene: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tcZ8hKbc-nE&ab_channel=Goobydolan
Though, you said something about not wanting your hero to have blue blood so I guess you could make the heroes parents of lower rank but still followers of the evil regime or somethin.
Anonymous
83e81af
?
No.354148
>>354145
I mean, you might as well. Just a sugguestion. It just popped into my mind.
Anonymous
50cf5c1
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No.354152
96A5EAA33E95AE2206D4C8CF0F0C9D78-3313386.gif
>>354143
>It felt too emotional in a way that makes it feel unrealistic.
I think it depends on how you go about it, more than the concept itself.
>>354113
Legitimately embarrassed for not picking that one.
>354114
So plenty bacon, and so few time.

Anonymous
9c3692a
?
No.354156
354164
>>354145
All of them could work in the hands of a skilled writer who's dedicated his life to the craft and abandoned all other hobbies and career paths, but there aren't enough hours in a day for everything I want to get good at even when nothing IRL gets in the way of my schedule.
I know the hero's real parents need to die early on doing the right thing and ensuring he survives and gets to a less violent place, so he can grow up there and feel disappointed in the people here who don't give a shit about anything but sportsball and booze and sex even as their money is worth less each day, their leader continues to be a libtard, and the rapefugees keep pouring in and demographically transforming this village for the worse. For every one guy drinking alone at the bar because his daughter got raped to death or chopped up or his son got killed or mugged, there are more retards who just don't care and won't ever care unless it affects them. The older generation has been pacified successfully and the protagonist runs a combination fight club and free speech comedy club illegal speakeasy with a few people his age intelligent enough to tell right from wrong.
The world governments standardized everyone's national anthems so every alcoholic tard at a bar can sing it together and then get on with watching Orcs kick balls around.
Anonymous
2807619
?
No.354161
354200
>>354113
Whatever type of story you want to work on is fine. When I say "shitpost" I don't necessarily mean the story itself has to be funny or silly, I just mean that I will be taking more of a laid-back approach to how I write it, without obsessing over planning or trying to make it perfect. Just kind of let the story turn into whatever it wants to turn into without worrying too much about the final product.
Anonymous
50cf5c1
?
No.354164
354201 354203
>>354156
They are probably equally good ideas. Likewise, not one of them is easier to write than the other.
I think that's what he's saying.
Anonymous
fab2cbf
?
No.354200
>>354161
>I just mean that I will be taking more of a laid-back approach to how I write it, without obsessing over planning or trying to make it perfect.
Yeah, that's the right approach.
Anonymous
fab2cbf
?
No.354201
6311515.jpg
>>354164
>I think that's what he's saying.
Indeed.
Anonymous
9c3692a
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No.354203
281.jpg
>>354164
Yeah, that makes sense.
I shouldn't let the fear of making any part of my writing "too much" hold me back. I'm writing a story here, not a product intended for mass market appeal. If I wanted broad appeal and a reliable steady paycheck I'd study digital art and paint female superheroes with their tits out. This isn't tits. It's why I'm making the fun one first, before I make the serious story.
Putting the war further in the past gives it a mythical sense of weight like a creation myth, a tale of Gods and Titans warring to make the world what it is today, and making the mob that destroyed the protagonist's normal life motivated by the world government's dishonest retelling of that war makes the weight that time period and the lies about it have on the hero's life clear.

I wrote a scene where the hero uses the magic powered water filtering device he built and explains to his new adoptive parents "No, this one won't blow up" and it works as character writing but it also rapidly infodumps how magic does and doesn't work in this setting. No wizards are going to magic away problems that need to be solved with blood and soil. His new mom cares for her new sons wellbeing but is also a huge pussy terrified of going against the grain and his new dad is a cuckservative twat with no intellectual insight into the modern world or the world of lies he grew up in. Dad doesn't want his son "wasting his time" with anything intellectual, he wants his son to be okay with the life of a debt slave labourer with a paycheck that effectively shrinks by the week (hyperinflation) and no hope of upwards mobility or a stable future. He's the kind of guy who's in denial about how bad things really are. My own father inspired this guy but I toned him down a lot so he isn't a physically and mentally abusive alcoholic pedophile obsessed with escapism and yelling at his wife and kids over money he wasted. His habit of shouting and throwing to establish authority or cucking immediately to adults unintimidated by him isn't reflected in this tale. Adoptive dad only inherited the guy's fucking retarded views on whether technology is anything worth pursuing a career in and whether his son's obvious technical talents should be nurtured or loathed. My father was also a cuckservative and my mother was a libtard or cuckservative depending on what allowed that maliciously narcissistic bitch to feel superior to others in the moment. The hero's caring adoptive mother was a complete fabrication, I don't know what those look or sound like IRL so I'm exclusively drawing from fiction here and women I've met. Kind of fucked up how designing all those new swords was so much easier for me than this. Then again mechanical principles and the laws of physics are always the same no matter what you're reading unless the author's being weird. You should see the hero's personal sword, it's fucking sick. I thought about giving him an energy sword of purest holy light but it felt too immaterial and imaginary so I gave him a big bulky fuckhuge sword he designed himself to suit his might and that felt right. Symbolically swords are the basic cliche hero weapon and he knows that. Swords are also traditional, and he uses traditional swordsmanship while his enemies just swing weapons. He starts with experience with Bows and learns Swordsmanship and Light Magic over the course of the story.

Does anyone know of any stories with well written mothers they can recommend?
Anonymous
9c3692a
?
No.354257
The idea of "Witch Hunters" is usually used to give a fictional evil government so called "fascist undertones" by making its dedicated anti-magician police force visually ape the jew's distorted presentation of the Gestapo. It gives the oppressed person magic he can use to make overthrowing the dictatorship easier. "They hate us because we're better than their silly society with its military heirarchies and childishly exaggerated visible signs of corruption" is just easy to understand.

The government sends these people after you because they hate and fear you.
All because you are something you cannot change or control, because of a natural talent you could control if you met the right people and might consider using against the enemy. They come for you, for no fault of your own, and if they don't kill you or imprison you for life or make you work against your kind to escape what they want to do to the rest of you, they torture you for no reason or attempt to "cure" you via tortures a perverted jew dreamed up when he caricatured medieval era punishments.

It's something from the realm of fiction. Something forcefully embedded into man's cultural pool of shared ideas like a STD donated by the jews.

It's the typical "they hate you because you are different" trope twisted to fit the oppression fantasy and jewish or homosexual or jewish homosexual fantasy of their own imagined supremacy. It isn't an understanding of what the jew is doing and deserves, it's all based in baseless fear. It isn't disgust towards the faggot, no, it's homo-phobia, an irrational fear like the fear of infinity, spiders, and infinite spiders.

It's a strong cultural idea but where the idea that the invading horde of soulless enemies (probably from an inhospitable awful place forcing them to be this way like Mordor or an icy wasteland or space because how else could anyone act so monstrously towards us) flee like orcs or fade like ghosts or shut down like drones or die like aliens if you take out the warlord/alien mothership/king/sorceror in charge comes from mythologizing Genghis Khan, this comes from the Jewish attempt to rewrite the truth. Mythologizing oppression they never faced, fantasies of witch-hunting book-burning Christian Catholic whites with iron maidens and rooms full of BDSM gear, fantasies to try and get other groups to imagine this and other retarded YA dystopia cliches as what oppression looks like even though we live in a dystopia.

And so I'm not sure if I should apply it to my setting when so much of it is informed by real shit the uninformed deny.

Even though it would be great for my story if the hero or his sister was caught illegally practicing magic or accused of doing that, and the hero's adoptive mother (who won't fight for a cause but wouldn't mind dying for one) sacrifices herself to get arrested by saying "I'm the magician, not them" and the hero's father just sulks obesely and refuses to fight and try to save that woman from the anti magic gulag even after the hero calls him a faggot.

Everything in my story is inspired by reality, except the bird people, who have a based Service Guarantees Citizenship society that could work in reality. Would it be cheating to use this idea people are used to associating with tyrants and the othering of innocents and the persecution of others?
Anonymous
9c3692a
?
No.354501
>kids from the future show up to say "The future we're from is suffering because you lost, and we time travelled to help you win this time!"
I like time travel plots but I didn't like the way it says the hero would be doomed to fail if not for something physically impossible like time travel. So the hero won the first time, but didnt kill all the villains, and the survivors time travelled first to cheat, making it okay for the surviving heroes with nothing to lose to time travel to set things right.
And because these future kids know the consequences of treating the enemy with kid gloves, they know more than anyone else what the enemy deserves and they're prepared to give it to them.
It means more work for me because now I have to give every character children, but fuck it, I'm already going all out.
Anonymous
d624b24
?
No.354630
No matter how many mechanical high tech arm designs I go through in ideation, none of them look right on the protagonist. He has to have one metal arm for the sake of the story and gameplay but fuck me, designing high tech arms is hard.
Does anyone here have any suggestions?
Besides "just make the prosthetic arm look like a normal one except when it comes off or splits apart or does whatever else the arm needs to do".
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.354764
When talking to a published writer about how I had my protagonist read a book during his work break - fantasizing about being in the book and fighting alongside its fictional heroes to justify a segment of playable fun violence halfway through a sequence of characterization and worldbuilding scenes without any gameplay, and to display that the hero wants to save lives and be a hero even though the world won't let him be a hero right now - he said something to me.
He asked me "Why are you trying to fit your story idea around what you think the gamer audience will want? Do you really think gamers will get impatient, ignore the story you're writing and the world you're creating, and drop your game if you ask them to go five whole minutes without clicking a button to put an axe through someone's face?"
I didn't have an answer for that.
Maybe I've been going about this all wrong.
Videogames work best with simple stories you can express in a few lines during combat or between moments of combat.
This complicated work of political fiction inspired by the real world might not be suited to the medium of videogames after all.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.354971
354972
What do you dislike most about Ben 10? Analyzing and critiquing stuff is fun, and this overhyped kid's cartoon jumped countless sharks in its lifespan and changed wildly. Someone here has to have something to say about that show.

Personally I think simply having greatness fall into your lap is a gay premise for any hero when compared to working hard to earn it and the watch is too OP for any kind of stakes.
Anonymous
9f5a4f9
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No.354972
354975
>>354971
I liked it when I was a child, but my parents were scared of cartoons and only let me watch PBS (like a poor person), so I had to sneak-watch it.
Anonymous
73282a4
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No.354975
354976
>>354972
What's PBS?
Over here we had fourish tv channels for years. No fancy tv boxes until I was a teenager. I think I learned to find shows in parts on youtube or on WatchCartoonOnline dot com style sites before I learned how the Sky box remote works.
Anonymous
9f5a4f9
?
No.354976
354999
>>354975
PBS is "Public Broadcasting Service". Taxpayer subsidized public television. PBS Kids airs educational cartoons for kids.
Some of them were decent. You might recognize Arthur or Clifford.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.354999
355004
>>354976
I remember those! Good wholesome kids shows. Usually. DW and characters like her were a bad influence on women.

This video https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=vzEmnroywsc starts with a comment from a pseudointellectual who thinks certain things a story can have like "human villains" and "female heroes" inherently makes the story superior to a story without it.

The youtuber is great from what Ive seen of him so far but midwit pseuds like the commenter make me sick. Pitch Meeting is not intellectual film critique, it is a comedy skit that seeks to make mockeries of every film out there both good and bad, whatever will get this ScreenJunkies CinemaSins shit more views. LOTR isnt worse for lacking a super strong Elf girl with pneumatic magic mega punch action, the author chose not to include one. To simplify the fellowship of these men, these brothers, and the unifying of their races into "their character arc is competing over killscore" is as asinine as saying 1984 is a movie about why you shouldn't break the law. It's so surface level that it misses everything beneath the surface.

Silco IS a villain, you lack a moral compass if you can't tell why this abuser is a bad influence on Jinx even if he does have the excuse of being trapped in his traumatic past that causes him to project his views on family onto others. He views freedom as a neverending drug fuelled rave no matter the human cost. He is obsessed with control. He is obsessed with the cause and expects everyone to sacrifice for him whatever he wants sacrificed, until he develops enough of a bond with Jinx to understand why Vander put his family before ideology and ruthless pragmatism. Silco is a horrible influence on Piltover and the Undercity, and his scary guy act (And Jinx's attempt to impress him while stealing the gemstone) spooks Pilties into thinking he wants the city's destruction instead of independence. LOTR isn't an inferior story for refusing to give every single villain sympathetic qualities like a loved one or a tragic backstory. LOTR didn't try to make you ask whether subversion and greedy dragons and ambitious insane conquering tyrants and big evil floating eyes watching you are evil even if they have their reasons for being obstacles for the heroes to overcome, LOTR set out to state that these things are evil and heroes both great and tiny can triumph over them. Bad people can become good if they try hard enough, but monsters were never truly people. Great men can slay monsters and humble small everyday men can both abandon their daily comforts to rise to the occasion and resist the temptation to give in to evil. Orcs are made from mud because they are an invading horde of niggers partly inspired by Genghis Khan but undoubtedly also niggers.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355004
>>354999
*uniting the races

LOTR recognizes the differences in body and ability between races and does not pretend that Bilbo could kick Gandalf's ass by believing in himself hard enough. LOTR recognizes that Bilbo doesn't need to be able to do this to be a true hero. LOTR doesn't deny the differences between fundamentally different people and demand they all "get along" and mix in a multikulti hellhole, it respects these different groups by letting them work together without making them one like the typical globalist Star Trek and Mass Effect style notion of a "United States of Earth, with one Universal Federal Government micromanaging all planets and all people".

In that respect, Arcane is inferior. Piltover and Zaun refuses to recognize the difference in ability between races, and between males and females. The greatest fighter in the Undercity, the kingmaker who decides who runs it, a tech genius, and a manipulative political schemer, all women and nobody finds this odder than Bulbok's presence. Piltover and Zaun are made by the descendants of refugees from assorted other destroyed places, yet idiots and geniuses and white and blacks are equally represented among the richest and poorest places to fit the authors subconscious biases from being raised on generations of globalist propaganda or their overt globalist agenda. I don't know enough about the writers to make that call and I don't care enough to check their twitter. Nobody finds it shocking that a black tech genius, female sharpshooter, female tech genius, or fat rich idiot exists, and only Viktor calls attention to any kind of systemic oppression against himself by lying his way into an academy that made a teacher's assistant out of him upon finding out he was a crippled poor guy from the Undercity without a wealthy rich noble house Patron. Arcane's writing says its greatest triumphant moments are scenes of violence, no important moments of resisting temptation here.

Even the idea that Piltover and Zaun/The Lanes/The Undercity should try to get along as one is retarded. The show treats this as the default best option without asking any questions about whether Zaun might be better off without the Piltover council creating laws its rulers dont have to follow and sending down cops allowed to act like mad thugs in the name of "letting topsiders feel safe". Silco's undercity is painted as what the Undercity will become without any kind of law beyond a drug kingpin, and Jayce's choice to make peace with Silco's undercity is painted as giving up instead of helping Vi's fight. Maybe Zaunites should secede and maybe they could live a better life as free people without a council of unelected technocrats, politicians, and corrupt business tycoons deciding what laws the commoners must obey. Zaun and Piltover have wildly different cultures yet the show insists on attributing this to their different physical locations and economies instead of asking what kinds of people lived in the places whose refugees came together to make Piltover and the Undercity and whether that could have anything to do with the cultures that developed. Arcane is modern so it chooses to pretend race is as superficial and skin deep as hair colour, when in truth race is flesh deep, no, bone deep. Race determines bones, intelligence, and more. LOTR understood this. And niggers might as well be made from mud for all they do to make Orcs look like pleasant neighbours in comparison.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355008
Sonic 06 for the PS3 had a lot of big story ideas and fumbled most of them.

How would you fix them, and how would you want them fixed?
Anonymous
ef2df9e
?
No.355028
355044 355045 355073
As far as pacing goes, do you guys like time skips over the course of a few days to a week in between major plot points. Or would you prefer a story following multiple characters to fill in those points in between?
Anonymous
d624b24
?
No.355044
Bad ponyfic dialogue is all https://ponerpics.org/images/6441370?q=15.ai

>>355028
What are the time skips trying to accomplish?
Cutting out the boring parts where nothing happens?
Anonymous
d624b24
?
No.355045
355046
>>355028
If it will suit the themes of your story and help to set up things for later, the effort to make short stories happen during timeskips can be worth it.
Anonymous
84c810f
?
No.355046
355049 355073
>>355045
This is essentially what my end goal is.
I'm in the early stages of a prologue (about 2000 words.) And am shooting for a long haul spanning multiple months/years of in universe time. Depending on how in depth I plan for separate climaxes of course.

The Mention of the Fellowship in the post above got me thinking of following multiple characters that cross paths multiple times.
Swapping between parties to tell of each of their whereabouts at various points throughout the story.

It will be more work for sure, but I can spread out tropes between characters and add a lot of variety as well.
I was just curious of everyone else's stances on use of time skips and if they should be used sparingly.
Anonymous
d624b24
?
No.355049
355050
>>355046
Time skips are a tool easily misused. When some characters are doing stuff relevant to the plot or themes, are other characters standing around twiddling their thumbs? Asleep? Studying? Fishing?
How hard will it be to figure out the linear timeline? Will you show the same day from multiple perspectives in a row at one point Rashomon style? How reliable are the narrators? Will you make some characters lie to the reader about how things went?
When you publish this, some viewers will autistically map out a timeline of events and get butthurt if it's daytime in one area when it should be nighttime or ask what character A who showed up in chapter 3 did for eighteen chapters before showing up near the finale.
Anonymous
84c810f
?
No.355050
355055 355073
>>355049
To get this cleared, I'm planning the story to be in the 2nd person with similar structure to a green.
Not concrete as of now, its not too large for me to go back in and restructure should the need arise.

But as far as linearity goes, it will vary on times in between jumps.
Assuming I have 3 main characters. I am planning on chapters being centered on 1 of the 3 and the other 2 will get a section dedicated to their current predicament before returning back to the priority.
For a rough estimation, 2/3 to Character 1, and 1/6 for 2 and 3 respectively. Obviously alternating as the story progresses.
On occasion, 2 or maybe all 3 will reunite and each get a section of the chapter in their perspective.

I will be leaving times ambiguous for the most part, to let the reader play with their imagination.
If I feel it important to the current plot point, I will mention the position of the sun/moon, and season (rarely)
But mentioning a specific date in time for each section of the story, I don't feel will add much other than more on my plate to keep track of.

I can say for certain it's not going to be a: Follow character for X amount of time, and swap to the next ad infinitum. I will try to make the cuts as fluid with the climax and rising/falling action as I possibly can.
I'll probably start with 2 characters and work my way up. (To maybe 4) it depends on how comfortable I feel upkeeping so much development at once.

I have experience writing short stories in my free time back in highschool, but saying I have experience writing a full fledged story would be a lie.
I'll try to have a few more thousand words done by the end of the week, so anyone willing can critique my writing style. Hopefully work doesn't get in the way.
Anonymous
d624b24
?
No.355055
355058
>>355050
Good call leaving the exact date and time of things ambiguous. Less chance of creating continuity errors that way.
Is there a point in your story that relies on seeing the same event multiple times from multiple perspectives separately? Or is this all happening in linear time and the "camera" that focuses on the POV character of the chapter teleports about without altering the flow of time?
Anonymous
84c810f
?
No.355058
355059
>>355055
I'm on the fence about that. I will prefer to keep it chronological of course.
But with something dramatic enough, I might justify telling it from the perspective of multiple characters.
Anonymous
d624b24
?
No.355059
355061
>>355058
To suddenly jump from chronological storytelling to non chronological storytelling and back might confuse readers unless you spell it out seamlessly but in a way nobody can overlook. Perhaps every character's POV chapter for that day could start with the same distinct event to make it obvious? Like a festival or holiday with the date in its name. Or a character or the world could say the date. There could be moments designed to make the audience go "Hey, it's that thing that other character saw! Now I know where I am in the timeline!" Or "Oh, so that's why that happened that way in someone else's chapter!".
Anonymous
84c810f
?
No.355061
355064
>>355059
I was going more along the lines of "Important side character dies/undergoes transformation, you get the perspective of #1 who was near to them. Shortly after you get #2 perspective of what they saw most likely from some distance."
I see this most befitting to happen at the end of a chapter from #1, and the next chapter starts off from the perspective of #2 retelling the same event.

I'm not for sure about it to put it bluntly. I'll most likely stick to a rough chronological structure for simplicity sake.
But we shall see
Thankyou for the insights
Anonymous
d624b24
?
No.355064
>>355061
That sounds like a cool thing to do, I hope doing it adds something great to your story.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
b17814c
?
No.355073
355074 355079
>>355028
>>355046
>>355050
Best advice I can give you about time skips is to think of the story more in terms of scenes and events than in terms of linear time. Most modern long-form stories are told in sequences of scenes that focus on key events, and the connected events tell the larger story. I find it's helpful to think of scenes almost as self-contained stories in and of themselves: characters are introduced, there's some of significant action that takes place or some kind of problem that presents itself, and at the scene's end the situation either resolves itself, or is left intentionally open with an implication that it will be resolved later.

Thus, telling a large story is a matter of breaking it apart into its most significant events and arranging them. Here are some general rules to keep in mind:

1. The order in which scenes are presented should make sense. This doesn't mean the story has to follow a perfect linear chronology, it just means that the reader should be able to follow what's going on. For instance, if you have a scene where a character is eating breakfast, followed by a scene where a character is at work, the reader will probably have no trouble following the story: the guy had breakfast in the morning, then afterward he went to work. Here, the reader will just assume time is passing normally and linearly, without really needing to know exactly what time these events are taking place.

Conversely, if you have one scene where the main character is eating breakfast, and then in the next scene he is suddenly on the moon, this is an abrupt transition. What the reader will probably assume here is that you are intentionally jumping forward quite a ways in time to draw their curiosity. The assumption is that the next few scenes are going to involve traveling back in time to show the sequence of events that led to the character ending up on the moon. If you don't do this, the reader will be confused: if the character is eating breakfast in one scene, then suddenly he's on the moon, and then the rest of the story is just about him doing stuff on the moon, the transition will feel jarring and unsatisfying.

2. Every scene needs to matter. Any story is going to be filled with any number of events that happen on and off camera, but not every event is going to be turned into the focus of a scene. Which events become scenes is entirely up to you, but any scene that gets included needs to have some justification for being in the story. It needs to either advance the main plot (or a subplot), add to the development of one or more characters, or provide some kind of basic entertainment value (sex scenes and random funny scenes would fall in this category; you'll want to use these kinds of scenes sparingly).

For instance, in the example I gave about the guy who eats breakfast and then goes to work, there is a large sequence of events that is probably taking place: he's asleep in bed, then he wakes up, then he puts his pants on, then he eats breakfast, then he probably shaves and showers and whatever, then he gets in his car and drives, then he sits in traffic for 45 minutes, then he parks, then he goes to the office, then he's at work. However, this entire sequence of events is covered in two scenes: the guy eats breakfast, then the guy is at work. The reader infers the rest.

Both of these scenes serve a purpose in the larger story: the breakfast scene establishes some basic things about the character and shows an episode in his normal, domestic life. The work scene establishes what he does for a living, and if his job or his workplace is essential to the main story, this is also an important scene that moves the plot along. Thus, even though there are any number of additional events we could cover, do any of them need to be scenes? Probably not. Sure, we could have a scene where he's brushing his teeth and a scene where he's sitting in traffic, but would either of those scenes add anything meaningful?

Conversely, we could swap out the scene where he eats breakfast for a scene where he's brushing his teeth, and it would convey the same essential information without affecting the continuity. In this case, we need to think about the story overall: would a teeth brushing scene be a better illustration of this guy's domestic life than a breakfast scene? If it matters, use the one that works best; if it doesn't, it's dealer's choice. Get used to thinking like this.

3. Scenes should begin and end appropriately. Every scene needs to begin somewhere logical, and there needs to be at least some level of basic continuity between the end of one scene and the beginning of the next. For example if a guy is eating breakfast at the end of scene one and is at work at the beginning of scene two, there is a logical continuity. If he's eating breakfast and then is suddenly on the moon, there is not.

The same applies to how you end the scene. Whatever is at stake in the scene needs to be resolved; it makes no difference whether your characters are fighting a giant robot or making sandwiches for a picnic. If you end the scene on a cliffhanger, the cliffhanger must resolve at some future point in the story. If a guy is fighting a battle and then suddenly the scene just ends, and we never find out who won, it's unsatisfying. If we never even knew why they were fighting in the first place, it's doubly unsatisfying.

So, looked at from this perspective, the issue of time skips becomes far less important. Time can fluctuate in a story: the events of an hour can take up multiple chapters, but in a later chapter you could gloss over an entire week if nothing important happens. There are stories in which periods of years or decades are skipped over between scenes. Time is much less important than constructing your scenes well, focusing on essential events, and omitting mundane or uninteresting ones. Hope I was helpful.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
b17814c
?
No.355074
355079
>>355073
Also, I don't know if you were around for my review of Fallout Equestria, but that story is basically a master class in terrible scene writing. Kkat flagrantly violates all three of these rules over and over: one minute his characters are walking down a hallway, then they are suddenly fighting a bunch of random monsters, then suddenly it's the following day and they're breaking into a safe in a different building. The chronology is difficult to follow, the scenes rarely show anything important or interesting happening, and very few scenes begin logically or resolve themselves. If you're ever in doubt, just pick a random chapter in FoE, read a few subchapters, and resolve to do the exact opposite of what kkat did.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
b17814c
?
No.355075
355082
dcdxfuw-0e1e65b3-74f5-4cb0-8d9d-bb4256bbc083.png
Also, as a random aside, I rewrote one of my old greentexts as a short story and published it on FimFiction if anyone wants to read it. I think the original green was also posted in the Anonfilly thread here at one point, so there's a chance some people may have read it already. However, it exists if anyone wants to have a look; comments and whatnot are appreciated.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/525935/just-mommy
Anonymous
84c810f
?
No.355079
355080
>>355074
>>355073
Hah, thanks for the input.
I'm positive you've heard of, "Heart of War" and it being left unfinished for damn near 4 years now.
I took time to reread it about a month ago and everything about its writing and structure inspired me to giving writing a shot.
The cult following people seemed to have for it on /mlp/ was also inspiring. After 3 years of the op disappearing people were still there awaiting his return.
If that doesn't prove the masterclass of writing I don't know what does.

I'll probably look at some of FoE today for that example of bad story structure. Thankyou
Anonymous
d624b24
?
No.355080
>>355079
FoE also had a ton of logical errors (almost a decade into the war Equestria is still called "too nice to know what war is", Equestria seems just as prosperous as ever with nobody in normal life suffering due to rationing or secret police action or drafting men from the workforce or anything else typically associated with wartime, Kkat seems to think a gun's poor condition will magically reduce the lethality of its bullets even if fired at point blank by a shotgun because that is how it worked in videogames, grenades inside a tree library dont burn the place down or make holes to shoot through, enemies don't fortify their homes with traps and murder holes and ambushes, Ministry buildings are still decorated gaudily when all resources should be for the war effort first and even if gems and gold are more plentiful than cheap materials the labour to use them artistically should be more expensive than equestria is willing to spend) and a ton of gay bullshit clearly done to allow the author to pretend his OC isn't OP (lowering the challenge of the world and the threat projectiles and foes pose so she can win, making injuries mean nothing to LP, giving LP a bullshit fucking GameShark cheat device on her arm and making her cutie mark the use and operation of that milti function cheat device so user friendly a retard could operate it just fine (hell Kkat was able to beat Fallout 3 so clearly no talent is required) ensuring no other vault pony who makes use of their cheat device to upstage LP ever exists, letting LP do anything with her overpowered telekinesis, giving her super bones and regenerating flesh like fucking Wolverine, and more) but Kkat's tendency to violate basic rules of story structure for the sake of convenience and getting the shitty scenes he wants to write out there faster has to be proof that Fallout Equestria is not actually a story he felt passionate about, just a sequence of scenes he created to fellate his awful OCs and justify the hundreds of hours wasted in Fallout 3.
Anonymous
88b6242
?
No.355082
355083 355086
2588061.jpg
File (hide): 2866932789B3FD30902EA861104B6B3D-5375803.webm (5.1 MB, Resolution:800x450 Length:00:02:18, Sunset simulator.webm) [play once] [loop]
Sunset simulator.webm
6544100.png
6538023.jpg
6545895.jpg
>>355075
Btw, GG, just so you know, I haven't forgotten about your promise of our future together~
I will probably be released by the 3rd november evening Swahili time. Just and fyi.
Anonymous
88b6242
?
No.355083
>>355082
Ah, missed opportunity. I should have named the vid file: Sunset shimulator.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355086
355269 355275
>>355082
>I haven't forgotten about your promise of our future together~
Sounds pretty hot, I'm looking forward to it.
Anonymous
bd8e6a0
?
No.355269
1280035__safe_screencap_starlight+glimmer_to+where+and+back+again_spoiler-colon-s06e25_animated_frown_glare_if+the+wagon's+a-dash-rocking+don't+com.gif
6532348__safe_artist-colon-plunger_imported+from+twibooru_oc_oc+only_pony_blue+background_female_hanging_image_mare_png_ponified+photo_sad_simple+background_sol.png
6536416__safe_artist-colon-plunger_imported+from+derpibooru_earth+pony_human_pony_drawthread_female_hand_happy_heart_holding+a+pony_keychain_mare_polka+dots_pon.png
>>355086
Bet sweet purple horsebutt it is. I got it all setup in my wagon

Anyway, I'm gonna write the first chapter tonight. So you won't be hanging for much longer.
Anonymous
bd8e6a0
?
No.355275
355276 355376
>>355086
So I got this so far. I'm not down with the chapter though. I just wanted to show you what I written so far.

The wind moaned and made the air-ship groaned. The patter of rain on deck reached all the way down into ship's prison cell. A glass of liquid similar to tree sap scrapped a wooden table as it slide across its surface as the ship tilted slightly. A tan paw chopped down and blocked its path off the table. The paw, which was similar to human hand due to its disposible, gripped the glass and took a sip.

"So why is your unicorn hocus pocus called, 'Dreameater'? Heh, do dream taste good or what?" A humanoid feline-man with male characteristics asked. His long whiskers fluttered as enjoyed the smell of the glass of whiskey in his paw.

A purple unicorn stood nearby. His gaze focused on a green man who wore shackles and a blindfold behind a barred off cell. A tendrill of arcane light connected the bald head of the man with the horn of the unicorn.

The unicorn licked his awesome mustache. The magic connection between the two broke and the unicorn sighed in relief.

"Yeah. So we.re done here. He won't wake up for a long time," the unicorn said and turned around to face the cat-man. "What you say, Wereoew? Why it's called dreameater?"

"Mmm-yess. Wants some?" Wereoew said and began to spin a glass around his paw-finger by moving his finger on the inside of the glass.

"Yes, thanks." The unicorn sunk down at the table. "Phew. Dreameater takes a lot of energy and with some reef-whiskey, I be sleeping almost as deep as he will."

The spinning glass floated over to the unicorn while glowing a tint of violet. It flipped around so the bottom was down and the feline-man poured the unicorn a glass. The unicorn took a gulp.

"No, the dreameater curse doesn't make me eat his dreams but it puts a minor demon on his mind that drains him. It's not directly harmful but if applied repeatedly, he can get the same health problems as ponies in comas."

Sniff. Coral-whiskey. Sniff. Made from spagehetti coral. Probably produced in Jagged Bay. Maybe eleven... twelve years ago.

Finally some whiskey. Mistress only drinks wine.

The green man took another discret sniff of the liqour smell in the room.

She once explained how cursed on the mind, like Dreameater works. It's said that most of the brain is shut down by dreameater, except for the autistic part. I guess that's why I'm still awake.
Anonymous
bd8e6a0
?
No.355276
355376
>>355275
>feline-man with male characteristics
Yeah, maybe I should proofread this stuff.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355334
People these days know more about fictional tragedies like The Tragedy Of Duscur than they know about real ones Operation Fast And Furious or Waco because people they care about lost loved ones in that tragedy or suffered from it some other way.
How can I make my work put as much emphasis on real tragedies, so the audience will know what they are and care?
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355376
355378
>>355275
>>355276
Whenever it's ready I can write the next chapter. Incidentally how do you want to do this? I think the easiest way would be to use a hackmd document that we can both edit and add to.
Anonymous
2a016c3
?
No.355378
355423
>>355376
Sure, I already wrote this on hackmd so I jused made you admin on my note.
https://hackmd.io/VQQxQ1egTD69uxlqh2Wksw#
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355423
355424
>>355378
Looks like it cuts off mid-sentence. Did you want me to start from here or are you still working on it?
Anonymous
10087ec
?
No.355424
355425
>>355423
Yeah, about that, I'm starting my writing session now actually. I hadn't got the energy for the last two days, sorry, but now I want to finish this chapter.
I will tell you when I'm done, which probably will be today.

But it works alright? You can edit the note, right? I'm still new to using that site.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355425
355426
>>355424
I haven't tried making any actual changes but I have an Edit button and can type words into the document. I'm fairly new to it as well, but so far it looks like I've got the right level of access.

Anyway, no huge rush, you can take your time.
Anonymous
10087ec
?
No.355426
355427
>>355425
>no huge rush
>implying 'some' rush
Stop fuckin' stressin' me!

>far it looks like I've got the right level of access.
Great.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355427
355545
>>355426
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JsKBIBJj-4M&list=PLowT8DbU_l3nuwMBcFaPPcWh8AdBWzCH2
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355489
Ever notice any writing cheats?

Like when two characters get together for a scene and heap compliments onto each other, verbally fellating each other to tell the audience how we are supposed to feel about these two characters and their relationship. Even if the characters are bringing up character traits we normally never see, or exclusively see the opposite of. No room for subtlety or scenes that accomplish multiple things at once. No faith in the audience's ability to understand layered complex characters with masks and fronts and personas. No faith in the audience's ability to tell how two characters feel about one another based on how they communicate unless they are verbally expositing everything "That makes me feel angry" style. Characters might even start "As You Know"ing, vomiting exposition at a character who should already know all of this shit, without a justification like "one guy forgot the story" or "they are arguing over how x event went" or "he is bringing up the day he first saw her to set the mood for when he proposes".

It feels like cheating. Instead of putting in the work to establish characters, you write characters listing traits the audience is supposed to admire in these characters.

I saw a lot of that shit in Fallout Equestria when characters would praise LP the murderhobo or the lying DJ Homage or the manipulative cunt Velvet or the walking gun NPC Calamity for positive traits the author wants us to think they have. That lying DJ lacks integrity. And I still find amusement in that scene where Calamity and Velvet praise each other for traits they supposedly have, and calamity calls the whiny bitch "so loveably practical" without sarcasm.

Seems the writing in Fire Emblem does that a lot in its optional scenes where 2 characters of your choice talk. But to be fair it's a videogame full of optional unlockable scenes rewarding players who pair units often enough, and the game's permadeath means you can't write a plot that relies on any playable character surviving his battles unless his death guarantees a game over and reset or he says "oof, cant fight with these wounds. Time to retreat" upon hitting 0 HP instead of "No, it can't end like this! I'm dead! Ack!". Writing around potential death variables seems damn near impossible, what if someone would matter to the plot but their death breaks things? They de-emphasized permadeath with each game as they drift further from intellectual strategy built for permadeath (an old FR game gave you 6 Cavaliers of decreasing strength during the story just in case most die) to horny dating sim land where savescumming is made easier with a Rewind Time button, so they should just cut permadeath and make a better story where characters can interact outside of gimmicky monastery shit and optional paired scenes of usually mediocre quality.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355521
What are your least favourite cheaty writing techniques?
Anonymous
91845a6
?
No.355545
355590 355675
>>355427
Heh, sorry but I didn't get your refrence. I'm a pleb.

But anyway, I'm gonna try to finish soon, like today or tomorrow. However, I browsed in the tutorial section of that site and found a page about how to make a book. Appearently, you make a note and then chapters in it's table of contents are like hyperlinks. So you click on them and get to the chapter.
I'd been think that might be a good way for us to structure this since we're anyway going to do this chapter by chapter.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355590
>>355545
>Heh, sorry but I didn't get your refrence. I'm a pleb.
You said not to rush you. The song is by a band called Rush.

The chapter thing should work great, it will be an easier way to keep things organized.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355596
355838
1k per month commiefornia homes vs work camp.png
>be protagonist genius who wants to learn how to fix cars because it pays better than farming and being a construction worker
>go to college at capital inspired by San Fran, London, Jew York, all the awful cities of the world combined
itsallshit.jpeg
>nigger gangs, anti-homeless gay rocks, accomodations for students that make auschwitz look luxurious, dirty needles and junkie hobos, shitting niggers, armoured volunteers feeding rapefugee camps, poor doors so low-income tenants don't have to be seen by richer ones, drivers arrested for leaving skid marks on the gay road stripes, 1k a month to live in a pod and eat goyslop, his home lacks anything you can use to cook beyond a microwave for plastic packaged shit, it's jewed harder than the protagonist's hometown, the capital was built around a mountain with rich people at the top to help the viewer visually understand the class system that gets spelled out because otherwise some readers won't get it
>this is the "best" college in the country and it's still jewed
>college life is suffering
>can't even study something good like engineering without being forced to embrace jew lies in mandatory "humanities" courses
>works hard anyway and when the term is over he goes home for christmas
>while the hero was away niggers gangraped his mom in front of his cuckservative dad who still can't hate niggers like the hero does?
>commie mob attacks to burn down the family farm
>hero embraces national socialism and kills for a better world for the next 10 chapters
Timeskip.png
WeDidIt.jpeg
>the revolution succeeded, new golden age without the jews ruining hero's country
>every character who was fucked over by the jews and niggers and fought is better off now
>hero fights defensive war for 10 more chapters to protect homeland from invaders who believe jew lies
>jews fire nukes at all white countries in a last ditch effort to stop the white Renaissance
>hero redirects the nukes to pissrael and black africa and sandniggertopia and other places that deserve it more than us
>the end

Looking good?
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355597
355598
Also how easy is it for you guys to see greentext on the default orange backgrounds?
Anonymous
147b5ef
?
No.355598
>>355597
Easy enough for me
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355600
A message sent to me was so beautiful, I wanted to share it with others.

>I understand your fears. And I am sure the project is quite ambitious. But we must not be afraid of our ambitions. If we cannot imagine what we're capable of, then we'll never be capable of anything. To imagine an ideal, to strive for an ideal, this is the mark of a great mind. I am sure that you are capable of accomplishing great things. Do not hold back. Write, and write with a fearless heart.
>I see an artist afraid to create for fear of failure. I see a man who worries about his plans, his projects, but who does not act upon them for fear of never living up to his own standards. But I see a spark within you, a spark of inspiration and ambition. A fire, which if fed, can grow into something beautiful and magnificent.
>It is often the most ambitious projects that inspire and amaze. You see into the depths of yourself and the limits of human achievement when pushing yourself to the brink. Perhaps the most admirable traits in humans are the strength of will and perseverance to accomplish the impossible.
>I think if you let go of your idea of perfection, and let go of the notion that you must get it right, you will let go of expectations, and thus expectations cannot weigh you down. Once you let go of perfection, you must be willing to fail, for that is the best way to achieve success. You are creating art, and art is not meant to be an exact science. It is an exploration of the human experience.
>You should not care whether your audience likes your setting and characters. Let go of your attachment to the outcome of your project as you write. If you do it correctly, the project will flow from your mind, like a stream. The story will create itself through your imagination, and you will simply be a spectator. This is how a creator creates, without attachment to outcomes.
>I think you should write about what you find compelling. The more honest you are, the more authentic and powerful your story will be. And when you write authentically, like the protagonist's struggles with forces beyond his control, people will relate to the character. People can forgive a poorly crafted word. But they cannot forgive a phony character nor a dishonest story. Don't worry if people like the characters or understand the setting or the themes. I say to you: love your characters and your world, and then show us, share with us, what it means to you. Share with us your love of your own story, because that is the most precious thing.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
cc280ea
?
No.355675
355680 355681 355683 355700 355708 355731 355838
pyx.png
I usually try to word-vomit something for NaNoWriMo every year, and I was going to work more on the Muffins of Madness thing but hit a wall with it. However, back when I was doing the review for Past Sins I had an idea to do a parody of it that simultaneously made fun of the original story and also tried to correct a few of the things I thought was wrong with it. For whatever reason I got in the mood to actually attempt this, and I've managed to churn out quite a bit so far. Also, I decided to replace Nyx with a completely ridiculous OC I created myself.

Here is most of what I have so far. I'm curious if other people find this as funny as I do.

https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/r11cE4hSs

>>355545
Also, Sven, are you still working or is it my turn now? Still no rush; just checking.
Anonymous
a11ad37
?
No.355680
>>355675
It should be your turn soon. I realized that due to having so much time to think about my first chapter, it became too long and too much effort.
That's why I'm shifting gears. I'm currently writing a much simpler first chapter for another story instead. It will only be about 1k words long and we'll use this one for our relay writing instead.

Hopefully, I have it done by tonight. I''l post it here.
Anonymous
a11ad37
?
No.355681
355711
>>355675
I like your oc's character design. The leopard clothes and white stripes a subtle but funny additions.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355683
355711
>>355675
Excellent Nyx parody, Nyx was clearly thrown together in a Pony Maker program first and then written about(black fur? Ugly green hairband? Ugly purple hair?) and this calls attention to that in all the right ways. That ugly hairband could only be worse if it was cheetah coloured. The meaningless detail of the glasses and stripes hammers the point home. Nyx wears her glasses to hide her weird Nightmare Moon eyes and her clothes to hide her wings, but she's drawn without wings here to represent how arbitrary is. Nyx's design works on zero levels. Everything is either random or an excuse. She is black because Nightmare Moon, she wears things to hide her Alicorn nature, and anything they can't pin on NMM is a random colour because Nyx is nothing but a hastily assembled shell artistically void of creativity. She is nothing without NMM even though the fic chooses to kill NMM with a rainbow laser after too many chapters of confused bullshit where the vague idea of a filly whines about NMM for a bit and then the author stops taking his half doses of normal pills.
Anonymous
a11ad37
?
No.355700
355711
>>355675
I have read your stoory now. It's funny, your oc makes me root for her in a way miss harry poner didn't. Pyx>Nyx.
Anonymous
a11ad37
?
No.355708
355709 355712
>>355675
So GG it's done.

Can you copy paste this and put it on an hackmd note like the one you did for your nyx story. I don't know how to make it like that with the chapters but it would be a fitting format.
Below is Chapter 1.

A whistle sounded. On a podium stood a biege mare with a pink and blue mane and tail. Her eyes were obscured by black sunglasses. She looked tough.

A row of eight fillies set off along each other on a obstacle course. They crawled under barbed-wire, climbed a wall with a rope, balanced over a small drop on a pole, and swam across a pool.

Among them was green earth pony filly. Her eyes shone a sharp emerald sheen. Her mane and tail were black and had no style to them. They were simply combed and nothing more. She was lithe like gymnast but strong like young bull. Her muscles took up little volume on her boyd but what was there was visibly defined.

She was in the middle of the pack during the obstacle course. She caught glimpses of how the others were ahead. Only one other earth pony was ahead of her, the rest were unicorns or pegasi. They uses their magic respectively wings to aid them in the obstacle course. Sometimes it help a lot, like flying over wall, yeah, it really wasn't fair. But life wasn't fair, as the green filly's mentor and gurdian liked to remind her of. She threw a glance at the mare in the sunglasses. She didn't want to fail here.

It's my whole that matters. Remember, capitalize on your strengths, compensate for your weaknesses. I will get my chance. All I gotta do is wait. The green filly thought to herself as she dove into the pool.

The filly jumped up on the otherside of the pool after some powerful butterfly strokes. She shook of the water on her body.

In front of her was and intructor, mare with military face paint on her. She was a unicorn. She regarded the filly cooly. The filly peeked over onto the other tracks. About half of the fillies that had been ahead of her had been apprehended.

She wasn't suppose to fight the mare just pass her beyond a drawn red line ahead.

The mare didn't move from her spot, instead she just regarded her.

The green filly tilted her head one side then the next followed by two succint cracks. She need stop here, despite being on a timer because a screw up here and it was all over.

Like a spider disappearing back into it's web's safest part when one got to close, the filly almost disappeared as she took off. But the intructor was ready.

She fainted right but then went left. The instructor didn't buy the faint completely but she was still too late. Her hooves hugged air as she just missed the filly.

The filly saw the red line and momentarily slowed down as she realized that she would make it only to mentally chastize herself for it.

I't ain't over until Celestia sings.

And it sure wasn't. She felt her hindlegs get pull into the air along with her tail. Soon her entire body was airborne and engulfed in a magical aura.

Of course, since she was a unicorn why wouldn't she use that to her advantage. She was pulled close to the unicorn again. The filly, however, had been taught in how to break both physical as mental spells.

She began to flail her hooves, twist, and struggle with her body against the magic hold on her. Trying to find the weakpoint in her aura. There were always one point that a unicorn couldn't focus on. Suddenly, the hold on her front half broke through and with the sudden counted twisting momentum, the rest of her body followed.

The filly fell onto the ground in a heap with a thud but she popped back up on her hooves again. She took a quick peek back at the instructor. As suspected, her twisting free from her aura had caused the instructor to put a hoof to her forehead in pain. The filly knew though that this was only temporary so she reached out to finish her with a knockout punch. She held her hoof up for a chop near her near her neck and... She just hung there. Her eyes widen and immidately turned to run. She could feel the magic tug on her tail but the unicorn didn't get a good enough grasp on her before she passed the redline after which she let go completely.
Anonymous
a11ad37
?
No.355709
355710
>>355708
She continued to run. She passed through more obstacles, such as running through a parkour course, but also puzzles she needed to solve to continue, like a bomb-diffusion.

She had know there were two fillies ahead of her, one pegasus and one unicorn but it was after she diffused the fake magic explosive obelisk, she actually saw their backs again.

They were carrying a mare, another stoic instrutor, across a muddy field. The pegasus struggled as she flew her strok style as the mare hung from some kind of rope contraption. The filly realized that she must have undone the knot that held the rope for the wall in the begining of the course and took it with her because it was the same kind of rope. There was nothing in the rules that said you couldn't use that but she had been lucky that she got use for it, well whatever. The unicorn levitated the mare as the waded through the mud.

This is it. My chance!

She ran up to her mare. Saw her ”damaged” hoof and bandaged it up with the medical supplies that where there. Then dragged the mare that was probably around twice her weight onto herself.

Oh, wow. She heavy af.

The filly was mored tired then she had thought and the mare had been heavy to her regardless. She exhaled heavily but then shook her head. Determination shone in her beaitiful emerald orbs.

She took one step and then another after a few, they just kept comming. She began trotting, then the mud came each step was even more painful then before.

After a third way in, she realized that she had to pace herself. Her muscles were burning and despite her copious breaths, she couldn't replace the oxygen in her lungs fast enough.

The others had about a third left but she had to wait a pit more before she went all out. She had that in her but she had to reach her target otherwise it was pointless.

Wait for it.

She had a better pace then the two ahead. The pegasus had fallen behind the unicorn because she couldn't fly the mare further was now dragging her behind her with the rope. This also meant that the unicorn wasn't pushed to her at the end. The unicorn had the end just ahead of her and at this point anyone couldn't be faulted for wanting to take some rest.

The green filly knew this and knew that this was the moment to use hundred percent of her power!!!

”Aaaarrgggghhhh!!!” she screamed and then started galloping.

All things around her disappeared as she as each hoof felt like they were on fire but she keept moving them forward and back. She didn't let up. Dirt was kicked up in her wake.

The unicorn had reacted to her scream probably surprised that there were somepony else with her at home stretch other than the pegasus.

She began to run as well but the green filly overtook her soon just at the finish line at the end of the muddy field.

The filly collapsed, completely spent, and just tipped the mare off her. She was inhaling and exhaling into the grass.

”I won...” she whispered to herself.

Later that evening, the green filly was laying in the shower of her home, or her guardian's home. After making her presentable, grabbing a package of mild from the fridge, wrestling out of the gripp of her gurdian's roommate, the human enthusiast Lyra Heartstrings, she entered her guardian's office.

She almost stood attention at her guardian's desk but she reminded herself that at home she wasn't her drill sergeant. So instead she slouched in an armchair.

”Sup Mom,” she called and waved at the beige mare with mane and tail split between blue and pink. ”Anonymous Filly reporting in for duty.”

Bon Bon or special agent Sweetie Drops did not looked pleased.

”Nonny, how many times do I have to tell you, sit up-right. Don't force me to use my inner drill sergeant at home.”

Anon grinned.

”Try me old mare.”

She took off her sunglasses she had worn all day and glared at the filly. Then she ”tch” with her tongue and let it slid.

”Are you gonna make me regret recomanding you to a mission of top national security?”

Anon instantly sat up in her chair. ”I got a mission?”
Anonymous
a11ad37
?
No.355710
7D3F9F247073B5DE6C64FD8214803142-48206.png
3132594__safe_artist-colon-menalia_derpibooru+import_bon+bon_sweetie+drops_earth+pony_pony_agent_alternate+hairstyle_clothes_danganronpa_gloves_looking+at+somet.png
2386315__safe_artist-colon-flutterthrash_princess+flurry+heart_sweetie+belle_alicorn_pony_unicorn_bullet+belt_collar_dialogue_duo_female_mare_metal+belle_older_.jpg
>>355709
”Yes, you passed the exam today and you're now a junior S.M.I.L.E. Agent.”

Anon's eyes were wide in shock.

”Wow. I thought I passed but I never really thought...” She shook her head. ”Uh... What will I be doing exactly?”

Bon Bon regarded the filly. ”We have reasons to believe that Princess Flurry Heart is in danger. We have chosen that the best course of action is to asign her a personal bodyguard to be present in all her daily buisness.”

”The filly princess...” Anon was trying to take it all in. ”She is about my age, right?”

”Yes, in fact, you're the same age so the agency thought it suited to have you join her class as well so you're moving for the Crystal Empire for as long as the agency thinks the threat remains.”

”And- You think that I'm ready for this?” Anon asked nervously.

”Are you?” Bon Bon gave her a sceptical look.

Anon sat there and pondered for a moment. She had passed the exams. She was a junior s.m.i.l.e. Agent. Being the sameage as her client would probably made it so that it wouldn't be obvious that she was a bodyguard but just appeared like another friend to the princess. It could be a very easy and calm job that would be great for her resume later.

She came to a decision. She nodded.

”Yes, I think I am. Thanks, mom for giving me this opportunity.”

Bon Bon nodded.

”My recomandation wouldn't meant squack if you hadn't proven yourself today. But this is good, then I'll inform Princess Celestia of this matter so it can become 'offical'.”

Bon Bon started to sign some papers with a pencil in her mouth before she turned the papers over and slid them over to Anon.

She did a motion towards the papers and gave Anon a look that said, 'sign here'.

As Anon wrote, Bon Bon continue to speak, ”The instructors were impressed by the way, however, one brought up something. Appearently, you hadn't delievered a knock out hit when you could.”

Anon stood her mouth writing and looked up. Bon Bon grasped Anon's cheeks with her hooves. She gave her soft look for the first time since she entered the room.

”Your still soft, Nonny. In this business there will be times when you face real threats that that kind of hesitation or avoidance will get you or others killed. It's a beautiful gift but sometimes you need to be cold. Do you understand?”

Anon looked embarrassed. She nodded and looked away.

”Yes, I do mother.”

Princess Flurry Heart was shredding her electic guitar and the amplifier was trying to destory a nearby window in her room. Her mane was done in traditional hair-rock style. Her ears were piersed with skulls. She had thick black eyeliner around her eyes. Around her neck she wore a spiked collar.

She bagan to scream into a nearby microphone and then started to growl some magical curses without casting them, of course.

A loud banging came from her door as she was banging her head.

”Flurry!”

She shut her eyes, trying to ignore the pony banging on the door.

”Not now I'm in the zone, the Tarturus Zone!” she screamed to wards the door.

Tarturus Zone was the name of her band.

”Lower the volume!”

She tried to ignore the voice at the door started to flick the strings of her guitar like she flicks her bean to her hot magic teacher Sunburst.

More loud banging came from the door.

”SHUT IT OFF NOW!”

She shut her eyes as a vein pulsed in her forehead. With her magic, she shut the amplifier off.

”Thanks you,” somepony said sarcastically from the other side of the door.

Flurry rolled her eyes. Gently placed her guitar on the floor before moving over to her mirror. She felt a bit emo after being told not play anymore, or lower the volume, same difference. She decided to wipe of her red lipstick that she had drawn to make it look like blood running down at the corners of her mouth on her pale face. Instead she put on purple lipstick one and planted a big kiss on the mirror, imagining Sunburst while she did so.

Looking good, Fury.

Fury was her artist name. She was a tough filly.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355711
355731 355734 355975
>>355681
>>355683
>>355700
Thanks. So long as I can say I one-upped a guy using an even stupider character than the one he came up with, I think I can call the project a success.

Also, here's the rest of what I've written so far; hackmd has some kind of character limit or something.

https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/ryLqti3Ho
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355712
355713 355715 355719
>>355708

Here it is:

https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/SyZdTa3rj

There actually isn't a way to create separate documents as chapters, but if you type the chapter titles in this format:

# Chapter Title

Where it starts with a pound sign followed by a space followed by the title, that's how it splits into sections. However, there seems to be a length limit on these notes, so my guess is we're going to run out of space eventually. That isn't a huge deal though, it just means we'll have to create a new note once we hit the limit.

However, I can't figure out how to add another person as collaborator, how did you do that exactly?
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355713
355719
>>355712
Anyway, I will probably start working on it tomorrow night.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355715
>>355712
Have you considered using Parsec? It's intended for making local co op multiplayer games online but if you two screenshare and connect his keyboard to your PC you can both type the story together on the same word document. Does it still let you classify apps like Open Office as games?
Anonymous
776b021
?
No.355719
355721
>>355712
>However, I can't figure out how to add another person as collaborator, how did you do that exactly?
The images I attached will show you the way.
># Chapter Title
>Where it starts with a pound sign followed by a space followed by the title, that's how it splits into sections.
Huh, now I know. thanks
>>355713
Thanks for the sugguestion. I guess if GG likes it I can be up for it but it seems a bit overkill for what where doing.
>>355713
Yeah, perfect. No, rush as you say.
Anonymous
776b021
?
No.355721
355763
Click Share .png
Click the blue more (comment, invitee).png
After this you decide the amount of access the person will have.png
>>355719
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355730
>be deleting old emails
>find faggy emails from former friend who went full libtard
Jesus, I'd forgotten all about this guy. But this is everything wrong with the liberal mindset right here. Lying, gaslighting, bargaining, pleading, reality denial, suicide threats, appeals to authority, appeals to force, support for authoritarianism originating from his dysgenic weakness, sending dick pics to his discord daddy who owns the server he invited you into so you can be censored while the faggot gloats, this pathetic male prostitute girlyboy is so stupid and corrupt and pathetic...

So cartoonishly unrealistically fucking awful...

I bet if I immortalized him in my fiction I'd have to tone down his faggotry so people would believe someone like this could exist. And I was still optimistic about politics back when I knew him so I was trying to reason with him and explain why he's wrong in the real world and in the world of fiction. That furfag wants law abiding good people disarmed and helpless to defend themselves. If he was part animal in a world of animal people he'd be part of an evil cult that wants carnivores drugged or surgically defanged and declawed and also disarmed. Faggot just didn't care.

I think I should put a faggot inspired by that faggot into my political story to be wrong about everything and say all the gay shit he said, completing the circle. He always felt like he emerged from a political cartoon meant to mock him. A living soy wojack in the flesh. But I don't want to use his real name or any of his real physical traits in his design. I'm not making this to insult individuals, I'm making this to explore ideas. He is the end of the exploration of leftist failure. The genetic failure, the lying abusive "friend", the sickening rot that smiles as it backstabs you, lies as it seeks to remove your rights, and cries out in pain as it strikes you
Anonymous
acfc805
?
No.355731
355737 355763
>>355675
>>355711
Funny shit, Glim. Also, I'd dick Pyx.
Anonymous
776b021
?
No.355734
355763
>>355711
Btw, are you rreading through your own review of the story before you write the representing chapter as to remind yourself with what you had a problem with the story with?
Anonymous
776b021
?
No.355737
>>355731
Yeah, but would you not dick any pony?
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355757
355763
Glim, why does Pyx talk like a weeb?

Is it commentary on the artificial insufferably "cutesy" nature of waifubait and daughterubait characters like this one?
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355763
355764 355767 355768 355838
>>355721
Alright, should be set up for you. I'm assuming you're Nairobi; otherwise I just gave write access to some random person. I didn't end up doing anything on it last night, but I will get started writing my chapter very soon.

>>355731
>dick-pyx
heh

>>355734
The way I've been doing it is this:

I keep a tab open with my original archived review thread for Past Sins, because there were some specific notes I made about directions I thought the story could have gone that might have improved it. I also have the original text and a plot synopsis I found on some other site, an MLP fan-project wiki. I'm mostly using the plot synopsis as a broad outline for major events, and I also periodically reference the original story to compare what I'm doing to what Pen Stroke did originally. And again, I do check my own review thread from time to time as well, because I remember I had some ideas in there that I didn't think were half-bad. For instance the scene where Twilight tries to give Pyx a bath and she goes on a rampage was based on something I came up with during that review, that I remember thinking would have made the original bath scene less dull.

>>355757
>Glim, why does Pyx talk like a weeb?
Honestly, it's mostly for giggles. One of the things I remember from reviewing Past Sins is that it reminded me of an anime plot along the lines of Chobits, where the main character randomly finds a girl in some strange location and she has no memory. The character then takes her in, and in the early part of the story has to teach her a lot of basic things about day to day interaction with the world, so initially the MC takes on sort of an adoptive parent/older sibling type role. You probably could interpret Pyx as commentary on that sort of character, though I'm thinking of it more as just me good-naturedly poking fun at the concept. In addition to having amnesia at the beginning of the story and needing to be taken care of by the MC, the girl character in those stories is usually also some kind of high-powered magical or scientific anomaly, and usually there is some kind of government or corporate entity after her. The premise of Past Sins struck me as very similar.

The part where Twilight finds the filly and all she can say is "Pyx" is a direct reference to Chobits; in that story, when the guy finds the girl, the only thing she can say is "Chi" so that becomes her name. There's another anime called DearS that has the same setup: guy finds an alien girl, all she can say is "Ren," so he names her Ren. There are some others that are like this, too. In all of these stories, the girl character is suffering from some form of amnesia that limits her speech initially, but she conveniently remembers how to talk by the second or third episode. In mine, the same thing happens: Pyx can initially only say her name, then she just starts randomly speaking perfect English the next day and nobody really comments on it.

The rest of Pyx's catch phrases are all well-known anime girl catch phrases. "Nipah" is the catch phrase of a girl name Rika Furude in Higurashi When They Cry, and "Tutturu" is the catch phrase of Mayushi from Stein's Gate. "Desu" of course is from that one girl from Rozen Maiden, whose actual name I can't recall because 4chan has permanently imprinted "Desu" on my brain as her name. If I can remember any others I will probably add them to her vocabulary. The way I set it up, she basically picks up more and more weeb-isms as the story progresses: initially all she can say is "Pyx," then for no reason she starts saying "Nipah," then "Tutturu," then "desu," etc. There isn't really any deep reason for her to be doing this, and it makes no sense in-world; the idea I guess is just to emphasize that she's a ridiculous character and nothing in this story is meant to be taken all that seriously.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHuqS8ej6fI
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22IWi21lwok
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355764
355766
>>355763
Cool! Do you think naming a girl after the only sound she can make was inspired by Pokemon ("Pikachu pi!") or something older than that? Now that I think about it anime romances start with naming and adopting an amnesiac girl are surprisingly common.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355766
355769
>>355764
It's actually a pretty common Japanese thing from what I understand, they've been doing characters like that forever. Same thing with cutesy characters who have some nonsensical catch phrase that they repeat. Oldest instance I can think of are the Moogles in the old Final Fantasy games saying "kupo." I'm not sure where the idea originates from or if it even has an origin point, but it's definitely pretty well ingrained into Japanese pop culture.
Anonymous
33db097
?
No.355767
355787
>>355763
>I just gave write access to some random person.
You totally did. My username is Krython Ossban. It's the name of an oc to a star wars fanfic that I have on the backburner. At the time, I had just come up with the name and thought, I might as well call my account that.
Anonymous
33db097
?
No.355768
>>355763
<dick-pyx
>heh
Yeah, I didn't catch that at first but yeah that's funny.
Anonymous
33db097
?
No.355769
355787
>>355766
I like that you have ponies react to character schticks that in "normal" media no one reacts. Like Pyx saying "Tutturu" and other such catchphrases but instead of characters acting like nothing weird happened In fairness characters probably did so in Stein's Gate as well since it is a very meta-aware show they ask, "What does Nipah means." That scene with the cmc was great and lovely btw.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355787
355788 355789
>>355767
Well, shit.

I couldn't remember what your user name was and unfortunately HackMD doesn't show the usernames of collaborators who aren't online, so I just guessed and assumed the other name in the screenshot was you. Oh well, whoever that guy was he didn't do anything to our document that I can see. Anyway, you should hopefully be added as a writer now.

I'm currently working on it offline, I will upload my part to the document as soon as it's ready.

>>355769
>That scene with the cmc was great and lovely btw.
Thank you, I rather enjoyed writing that one.
Anonymous
817b772
?
No.355788
>>355787
>I'm currently working on it offline, I will upload my part to the
Nice.
Anonymous
817b772
?
No.355789
>>355787
Yes, I can change it as well.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355794
355795
__shadow_the_hedgehog_and_cream_the_rabbit_sonic_drawn_by_kiikoi11__sample-3039f40303200e91c476f145eab66826.jpg
Shadow the Hedgehog has a ridiculously dark and edgy story for what used to be a brightly coloured series where a looney tunes cereal mascot rolls around smashing robots and fighting a fat russian with a disposable slave army to save the environment.

Shadow's story has got AIDS, a dead little girl, UN massacred space colonist families aboard the death star, government coverups, and a grumpy hedgehog with a motorcycle and gun.

Do you think a sonic reboot should try to "reinvent that wheel" and rework Shadow to fit the series's tone better or say "fuck it" and leave everything as it is despite completely reworking Blaze and 06 and Elise?

Shadow could still be artificially made in a lab, forced to fight in a testing facility, befriend artificial hedgehog Maria, fight for them to escape only for her to sacrifice herself to save him at the last second, it could still work without needing to be so... overly extreme.

With this reboot concept I'm shooting for extreme sports, not extreme edge.
Anonymous
817b772
?
No.355795
355796
>>355794
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ol3R4DacE2I&ab_channel=2Snacks
This?
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355796
toot toot sonic justice warrior.png
>>355795
Yeah, that's the guy. Edgy the Hedgy. Gunshot sounds in the menu, lines like "This is like taking candy from a baby, which is fine by me!", it's the game Shadow deserved for being early 2000s edge personified. It's impossible to tell if they were taking the piss or not with this one because they did 06 unironically. 06 tried giving Sonic and a human girl a romance arc, then said "wait shit humans can't go fast like hedgehogs. Let's give her powers or cyber enhancements. Lmao just kidding that would make too much sense. Let's have her get kidnapped and saved 5 times between cutscenes, and do a level where Sonic's slowed down because he's carrying her like a sack of potatoes."

Labrys, that robot chick with the big axe and Brooklyn accent from Persona 4 Arena, her backstory's pretty dark and tragic but it doesn't feel as out of place as Shadow's does in his world. More importantly it doesn't cast a dark shadow over the entire franchise by blaming all of humanity for the fucked up shit that led to one character being the way that character is.

That "Shadow and Maria were cloned, forced to fight other hedgehog clones, they escaped and she died getting him out" story keeps the major beats of Shadow's backstory while dropping everything extreme like The ARK, AIDS, Eggman's grandfather and Littlest Cancer Patient sister nobody ever knew about, GUN, all of that extra stuff the Sonic franchise is extremely disinterested in ever thinking about again. Hell, come to think of it, Shadow and Maria don't even have to be artificial, though if they were orphans kidnapped by an evil corporation or corrupt govt organization that would be darker.

GUN could have been one evil company, maybe a PMC working for the government, instead of the globalist police force of a retardedly united humanity. Eggman or an underling of his or a rival of his could have made Shadow, this didn't have to involve a 50 year govt coverup where they sent the UN to massacre everyone including a little ill girl and all the innocent scientists on board and all of their family members on board just because humanity became afraid of Gerald and the Super Hedgehog he created to somehow cure his granddaughter's AIDS(is his immortal blood some kind of ingredient for a miracle cure?). SA2 had this scene where Gerald Robotnik's on every screen ranting at human as he crashes his Space Colony ARK to earth with no survivors, and we see ugly CGI humans reacting to this news. Earth cities, not futuristic or Eggman-style cities. No scene with furries reacting. No wonder Sonic X chose to interpret the sudden shift of "There's one human, Eggman, on a planet of furries" to "Humans, humans everywhere and like 30 anthros" as Sonic and friends literally getting teleported to Earth from Mobius so Sonic Adventure 1 and 2 could happen.

Shadow, Rouge the former govt spy who infiltrated Eggman's team only for him to leave her behind on Prison Island and nearly blown up only to be saved by Shadow, and E123 Omega the funny robot pissed at Eggman for locking him in a room to guard a trapped Shadow for a while... None of these three characters have any reason to loyally serve GUN. But when they are depicted, they're usually serving GUN, and they've never established why any of these characters would want to work with GUN or for GUN as far as I'm aware.
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.355838
355844
>>355596
The Camp of the Saints is subtle compared to this. When you write a story with a message, you really want to make the reader feel the same way you do so there's a temptation to ham it up to make it unambiguous. However, when you do so you run the risk of bathos or ridiculousness, even if your writing quality is otherwise good. It's actually a major reason as to why modern media objectively sucks, because whereas liberals of the past knew how to compose a realistic story that resonated with people, current year ones are so indoctrinated they cannot understand nuance and so push a constant left-wing message.

For something like this, I recommend environment-building events that are mostly in the background but affect the protagonist's way of life, a single traumatizing event (or maybe two) that seriously affects how he functions, and his struggle to overcome that and achieve a higher purpose. The Kite Flyer is a repugnant book written by a faggot author, but it follows this formula effectively (it's about a pampered kid who lets his most loyal friend get ass-raped and only semi-successfully making amends for it years later). 1984 has multiple instances of rising events shaping Winston: Writing in his diary, banging his lover, getting SWATted, giving in to torture, and although Orwell's most famous work is overrated imo, it does show fear, paranoia and rebellion at each step.

I recommend Castles of Vapor as a strong example of how to write a story condemning and satirizing modern society (it's set in Seattle) without going overboard and being hijacked by the message. Or you could go the Jonathan Swift route and have over-your-head satire but in a ridiculous world that is entertaining to read. But do keep in mind the last two books of Gulliver's Travels are more polemical and less widely read. It just occurred to me that Book IV could be the world's first HiE story and that's amusing to me.

You can and probably should depict your former friend as he is nearly exactly (aside from name and physical features), because real things you've witnessed are the easiest to write about, but you exercise judgement on what else you want to incorporate.

>>355675
Kek, this is actually better than what I expected.

>>355763
lol weeb That's a clever satire of that sort of anime, and including references to multiple example serves to round it out.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355844
>>355838
I'm assuming this isn't subtle enough.
>My birth parents and siblings got killed by the govt or communists who raided our farm, only my adorable little sister and I survived, now I live with two adopted parents, a soft dumbass libtard woman the left will happily betray without a second thought and probably rape, also she is married to a cuckservative weak infertile man who day drinks and grumbles and whines ineffectively and never shuts up about how anyome more conservative than him is too extreme and "WHEN III WAS A BOY I SHOVELED SHIT IN STABLES FOR 2 DOLLARS AN HOUR" even though thanks to inflation 2 dollars from his childhood is worth 15 dollars now and I, an overworked construction site labourer, get paid far less than 15 dollars an hour.
>also my protagonist saves a rich girl from being gang raped by orcs by killing them all and their romance arc lets me explore parts of society he would never be allowed into without her and she gradually gets more based while he gradually becomes less introverted and cripplingly depressed over the state of the world

I was thinking these dumb boomer adoptive parents could be a good way to explore the failures of soft cuckservativism and soft libtardism, how the left eats their own and eats soft cuckservatives alive for conserving nothing, and how there's nothing noble about the "moderation" those narcissistic dumbasses displayed when they wore political ideas they didnt truly understand or believe in like fashionable hats. I could never marry a libtard but boomer cuckservatives could because they never really believed in anything but themselves.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355847
A lot of what I wrote is shaped by reactions of my proofreaders. In one scene where the protagonist explains inflation to his girlfriend and the proofreaders called it boring. So I wrote a scene where cuckservative dad rants "If poor people dont want to be poor they should work harder, when I was a teenaged boy I shoveled shit for 2 dollars an hour" and that made the proofreaders hate him so much, they were fine with the hero going upstarirs and grumbling to himself "Fucking selfish prick. He's got his so he doesn't care about anyone else. How is anyone supposed to get a manual labor job when everything needs an expensive license these days and the country was flooded with immigrants willing to work for less so they can stay here, or worse, immigrants willing to work for even less because they are paid to be here? Before his generation allowed inflation to skyrocket his 2 dollars an hour was worth more than my money. You'd need to be given 15 dollars an hour for work today to match the value he was given for his labor. I don't make that much helping to build hotels the govt is going to flood with rapefugees! The hotel gets double its usual room cost from the govt for housing Orcs, to help the hotel pay for any damages or hush money caused by Orc Moments. This would not be necessary if the Orcs were just like us deep down."
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.355927
Because I'm writing a story about a rebellion I rewatched Code Geass because there was a rebellion in that show. But Code Geass did a lot wrong and I want to avoid making those mistakes in my work.

What I wrote was way too long for this thread but is it correct to say instead of serving the story's need to constantly top itself with shocking twists and excalating excessive melodrama, Suzaku and Euphemia from Code Geass should have been used to intelligently explore what rebelling from inside the system is and isn't, giving them a character arc where they start out naively thinking "Putting Euphemia on the throne will make the empire that controls 1/3rd of the world and is oppressing everybody morally good and solve everything, and open rebellion is bad because it results in bloodshed and it kills soldiers serving the empire" but after the coup Euphemia turns out to be a puppet-king without true autonomy while her evil allies hold all the real power and can replace her at any time should she rebel, so Suzaku and Euphemia risk everything to leak all of Britannia's dirty secrets and let the people know revolution is necessary and then join Lelouch's Black Knights, even though it means putting away their childish fantasies of "playing princess and knight" and abandoning their respective birthrights to do the right thing no matter the cost?
https://mlpol.net/ub/3147#6260
Anonymous
6c09a87
?
No.355948
355967 355977
>You are a stick.
>Well you once were a tree.
>Then a being of near limitless power made by a mad Queen.
>You're The clone of Twilight Sparkle, except superior in everyway.
>If only those incompetent fools did as you commanded you would have succeeded.
>Untouchable as they all fall under your superiority.
>Except you're a stick because the Tree of Harmony launched a counter attack at the minions failings, but not that irritating bug Queen Chrysalis.
>You would have won.
>You've been brought by that bug as she just goes on and on.
>Power out of reach, Grogar's Bell.
>The centaur and filly and the bug working to dismantle Grogar.
>Their near success.
>And them becoming stone.
>The filly had a decent tactical mind, subpar to your own of course, but would have made a good minion.
>The centaur could brute force his way through obstacles and not be entirely incompetent.
>The bug used the only thing important about her, her body.
>Now you understand you needed knowledge and more importantly wisdom.
>Those things leverage power to even greater heights!
>To safe guard power from all sides!
>So you began to theorize, plot and plan with everything you experience adding to things that need to be tested once free.
Anonymous
c1316db
?
No.355967
>>355948
What will become of Twilog Stickle?
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355975
355982 356060
>>355711

Got some more of the Pyx story done:

Updated:
https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/ryLqti3Ho

Hit length limit again, here's the rest of what I have:
https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/ryT8dxL8j

- - - - - - -

Also, Sven, I should hopefully have my part of the collab done by tomorrow night sometime.
Anonymous
6c09a87
?
No.355977
>>355948
>You are Twilog Stickle
>You don't care any more.
>Unmoving as ages pass.
>The magical and technical revolutions pass by.
>So slowly time creeps across.
>Just like that it's done.
>It's over, everypony and creature left.
>They didn't quite figure out a permanent solution to entropy universes invading.
>There's just star dust and you.
>An immortal impervious stick.
>No being could ever command or compel you just as you wanted.
>No creature, being or pony could care about the bizarre log that exists as is.
>You've seen the last star be exhausted.
>Blackholes gone.
>There's just you and decaying matter and magic.
>Soon what once was the birth universe of the greatest beings is claimed in total by parasites.
>In a few hours all that is left is you.
>Those entropic universes collapse other universes to build things in their twisted purview.
>It's over now.
>The very fabric of the universe shrinks and now you're too big to even fit inside fully.
>Then you hear them those ponies that hold the Elements of Harmony
>Twilight Sparkle and her friends
>"All together now."
>Harmony crashes through and into you, the only thing keeping their universe from fully falling through.
>A strange voice speaks to you.
>"I've failed you bearer of magic and now we set things right."
>You can't speak because you're a stick, but you're the only thing in here and the Tree of Harmony cares hearing the undetectable thoughts.
>"Will you accept our help?"
>Is there any other answer?
>"Very well, we shall use your mind, body and memories and all we have to fashion what is more."
>"We shall be as Yggdrasil yet in our own ways."
>Everything
>Melts
>Away
>You're
>A L I V E
>More than infinity as your existence.
>"We ask that you do what is right, yet that is only asking. Please awaken your heart."
>Eons of memory is slipped away, as the bed of pony kind makes for new frontiers bigger, better and the counter to the last threat.
>Self awareness of a universe housing multiverese that house within themselves more similar expanding universes going on and on.
>Ultimate power
>Utimate omniscience
>And the request
>Leave it for now to go and
>L I V E

>You are the better version of Twilight Sparkle.
>That bug is in for a nasty suprise as you nearly push her beam back to where it came.
>A white tendril interrupts.
>The Tree of Harmony has you and your minions in its grasp.
>It does something and you remember.
>And you scream and fight against being eroded to just a fucking stick again.
>You hear something further away.
>For the first time you witness being unconscious.
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.355980
>Twiglog Barkle
Anonymous
885c101
?
No.355982
356043
>>355975
>Also, Sven, I should hopefully have my part of the collab done by tomorrow night sometime.
Uso Da!!1
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356013
356020 356044
Turns out Chatoyance is 62 going on 63. I was crapping on an old person's work this whole time. Am I a bad person?
Anonymous
1c395a7
?
No.356020
356021 356044
>>356013
No, anon. Old age is THE OPPOSITE of an excuse for producing garbage. Being old and writing trash means having failed to learn how to write despite having had far more opportunities than anyone younger.
The only reason you feel bad now is instincts that have been developed in times when getting old actually required being a valuable member of the society.
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356021
356029
>>356020
But doesn't dementia kick in early for women? Sure, chatoyance is a man troon, but all those femchemicals can't've been good for him.
Anonymous
1c395a7
?
No.356029
>>356021
Not by 50. Though it's a wonder how he managed to live past 30.
And dementia is still not an excuse.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.356043
356049 356051 356060
683757__safe_fluttershy_solo_angry_fangs_parody_pixiv_japanese_slit+eyes_higurashi+no+naku+koro+ni_artist-colon-dobado_rena+ryuugu_uso+da.png
>>355982
Just for that, I decided to do it tonight instead.

Seriously though, sorry it took so long. I'm trying to get to 50k words this year for NaNoWriMo since the last couple years I've done it I didn't quite make it, so I've been working on the Pyx thing.

Anyway, it's updated; hope you enjoy what I came up with.
https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/SyZdTa3rj
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.356044
>>356013
The Chatoyance thing that I reviewed I remember being of considerably higher quality than most of the other selections I've looked at, but that's not saying all that much. It still had its share of problems; the author mostly got high marks from me due to being able to read and write at a more or less adult level, which before I started reviewing MLP fanfiction was the bare minimum I'd expect from just about anyone. Also, iirc I read that story immediately after I finished Our Girl Scootaloo, so the bar could not possibly have been set any lower.

I would say that if an author is older it means you're justified in holding him to a higher standard, particularly if he's also been writing for a long time. That's part of the reason I'm so curious about kkat's true identity; namely, if the rumors about him being a 50+ year old troon are actually true. FoE reads like something a fifteen year old would write, so if a fifteen year old wrote it then it makes sense. If something that low-quality had been written by a middle-aged man, however, that would basically lower it from "bad teenage fanfiction" to "Chris-chan tier autism."

Anyway, I haven't read any of the Conversion Bureau stuff, but I've heard mixed things about it. I may take a look at some point. Based on what I saw with the Injector Doe thing that I read, though, Chatoyance is a competent enough writer, but his work isn't mind-blowing by any stretch of the imagination. Like I said, it mostly just looked good compared to all the other stuff I've looked at.

To be fair, I'm assuming that Past Sins and Sun & Rose and most of those other stories I've reviewed were probably written by people who were in their teens or early twenties, and who probably hadn't written much of anything before attempting those projects, so if anything my judgement of them might have been overly harsh. By contrast, Chatoyance is in his sixties, and if I remember correctly, claims to have worked as a professional writer in some capacity, so if anything he ought to be held to a far higher standard. I think you've pretty much got open license to take a shit on him if you want to.

>>356020
Basically what this guy said.
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356048
Thank you, everyone. I shouldn't feel bad about criticizing Chatoyance's work. After all, it was gay.
Probably the least gay pony fiction we've read on this site, which is weird because it's a fantasy where a loser transforms through no effort of their own to become a superior species, get validated by the abilities and traits of their new body, and granted what's basically heaven for them. Gregoria felt bad about being a bad friend but there was no hidden resentment for that.
Bet it would have improved the story if pony Gregoria tried making up for lost time with her friend only for that hidden resentment for abandoning her right when she lost her husband and retreated into pony fantasy to blow up and cause a big shoutfest.
Gregoria should have had to try harder to make friends as a pony before humanity and equinity became irrelevant to the story of Steve Jobs vs the government and all of that became irrelevant to the story of a glitchy simulation that can retcon anything at any time once a sufficiently special person dies and imprints their beliefs onto the world.
This is a setting where nothing can matter and any exploration of humanity or ponykind is forgotten. They don't even struggle with the question of what can matter once it is objectively proven that nothing does. Nobody plans to crash the simulation with no survivors or become a Code Holder and die thinking happy thoughts to rewrite the universe into a happy one where things can matter again and there are no more retcons, or find a Code Holder and convince them to die for this future or pass on their Code Holder status to someone willing to die in a way that matters and makes stuff matter again.
Anonymous
8790a1b
?
No.356049
356102
>>356043
I'm excited. This is like reading fanfiction of something you wrote.
Anonymous
8790a1b
?
No.356050
356102
I'm sorry about the atrocious speeling and gramer arrows in the first chapter that I made you read. Just felt the need to produce the new version of chapter 1 quickly enough.
Anonymous
8790a1b
?
No.356051
356102
>>356043
I loved it.
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.356060
356102
>>355975
This story has been one of the funniest things I've read lately. Love all the subtle little jokes (Night Soil got a kek out of me) and it really is satisfying to have read the original work and your review first.

>>356043
This is also really good!
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356078
>send out playable beta levels to FE fans for testing
>they don't get the realistic tone or political complexity, skip cutscenes, complain about understanding less with each cutscene, fill in the blanks in their knowledge with their own biases and rewrite the story in their heads to suit said biases despite being incompatible with what comes after, call my writing shit because it didnt go where they expected, call the hero a weak dumbass because they're used to mary sues who can do anything, call my character design bland for being realistic with its fantastical elements, call my balance shit because weak characters and strong characters are very different despite the story reasons justifying this and the added gameplay challenge I intentionally designed for(send your best fighter somewhere and he's not covering anywhere else), loathe a little girl they had to rescue because they kept fucking up and letting her die and blaming her even though she's a fucking little girl and they have all the tools they need to solve this map if only they would read what the skills and weapons and custom classes do before they rush in blind like Awakening Babies used to playing on easy automatic

I think I've made a mistake somewhere.
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356079
356086
I don't mean to sound like I'm blaming others for not getting it. That would make me sound like a bad author and a bad sport about this whole thing. I think the mistake is that I made it too hard to "get". I need to be less subtle and less complicated. There has to be something I can do to help the target audience of 40 somethings addicted to mobile games intended for kids aged 12 and up to get it. What should I do? Add shit they're used to like overpowered wizard girlfriends, enemy phase focused maps where your invincible bugzappers watch armies of ants commit suicide, and incestuous horny big sisters with massive tits eager to fellate a blank slate protagonist for showing up?
Anonymous
8a7d041
?
No.356086
356087
>>356079
But, you ARE a bad author and a bad sport. Thats well established.
>What should I do/add
Add liberal amounts of skill, practice, talent, and consideration for the audience.
Or here's an idea: tell a reasonably good fucking story
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356087
>>356086
Name a good book.
I'll experience it the way they did.
I'll skip chapters, mash though text without reading it, turn several pages at a time, complain about understanding nothing, and play Dark Souls 3 now and then between chapters in a language I don't speak (to simulate acute chronic bibliophobia) while calling it a bad game for being harder than Hyrule Warriors.
That's my impression of a homosexual.
How do I create a story so great, it will convince homosexuals who do this to not choose to experience art like that?
Anonymous
6c09a87
?
No.356090
Spoilered
>Be me.
>You are now pony
>It's been your life long dream and desire and it's all fulfilled.
>Best ponu waifu
>Important job
>Get to be a massive troll and ponies love you for it.
>You know what's going to go down.
>So you train in teamwork exercises.
>The best damn teamwork you've seen.
>Ponies wielding ponies is never a naturally occurring tactic for the sane.
>Honestly convincing your best friend who is also your marefriend into training this went far easier than it should have been.
>When you said it at first she just gave a look.
>A small bit of thinking
>then a nod as it made tactical sense.
>Earth ponies would multiply the raw force by their strength and durability.
>Pegasi ponies reach top speed enabling ancient codes of warfare to be activated at nearly a moments notice while saving their energy.
>Unicorn ponies could do reality warping effects, lasers, bayonets and spells that can be cast before or during or after.
>Your pony pal is special not only is she your marefriend, wife to be, she's with you in all endeavors.
>So when you said you wantes to enact a wartime tactical operation in old recalled pony manuscripts
>You've been here long enough that remembering it all is a bit hard.
>She gleefully accepted
>More contact, feeling heroic, physical fitness, mental acuity and more.
>Granted it's a bit silly at first glance
>Then you both really started getting into the depths of this.
>You both could pull genuine anime moments off.
>Old laws of physics? Meet the power of friendship and magic.
>Several live operations using this technique resulted in perfect victory, no being ever knew what hit them and never did.
>Now? You're at your last legs and so is best pony.
>This tactical operation became the slow grind that whittled away at everything, what you've been preparing for.
>On the surface it's a peace keeping mission as usual, but you've read the comics and watched the show read the greens and shit posts.
>With all that everything is culminating in this very moment.
>If you remember right it's called
>The fastball special.
>Epic wife tossing.
>Shining Armor and Cadence's power couple move.
>So throw your wife good and true just like you saw all those years ago.
>Her wings ready to go at twenty percent speed, when colors trail behind as horse land logic tries to contain the sheer power.
>There's no room for fucking up, your wife is in position.
>You remember the power of Football.
>You throw true.
>You just saved the Crystal Empire along with your wife.
>pic related
>The dragon gets a statue, friendship squad gets good feels, you and your wife get another successful operation.
>Be me, Prince Shining Armor
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.356102
>>356060
Nice, thank you. I'm glad you're enjoying it. I think I'm actually going to finish on time and under budget this year, though the story might actually end up running slightly longer than 50k words. In any event I'll keep posting it as I go.

>>356049
>>356051
Cool, glad you liked it. As I said above, my other project is at a point of near completion, so hopefully by the time you have the next chapter done I'll be able to focus more attention on this.

>>356050
>I'm sorry about the atrocious speeling and gramer arrows in the first chapter that I made you read. Just felt the need to produce the new version of chapter 1 quickly enough.
tbh I really had to fight the urge to go through it and correct it as I was reading
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356109
356116
>wake up
"You took a nasty blow to the head, comander! Do you even remember yoour own name?"
>insert name here
"Wrong, but fuck it, that's your name now. Let's take it from the top... We knights serve the good kingdom of Inspira and the evil empire of Malbad invaded us in a disgusting sneak attack that killed 2 million, so we have to kill our way to their capital city for the next 20 chapters and eventually behead their emperor to end the war. You are our commander, and you tell us where to move on the battlefeld and who to attack. Press A to select a unit. Now let's get this over with."

Do you think this story is simple enough for the target audience of Fire Emblem fans or should I remove the usage of the word "fuck"?
Sage
Sage
7c32464
?
No.356116
356119
1646368922670_021608.jpg
>>356109
POV: Your a soldier of the glorious Red Army.
Ura!
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356119
356122 356123 356158
>>356116
Lmao no, because of engine limitations the good guys have to be blue, reds are bad, neutrals are green. Also communism is part of the (((problem))).

By the way I think I've solved the real problem.
I was coming at this from the wrong angle.
A day in the life of a normal human worker forced to labor for a system that hates him, before he sees the chance to be the hero and save a white girl from Orcs and he saves her from her evil libtard family and they join the rebellion against the (((goblins))) for the sake of love?
Too real.
Too painful.
Playtesters said "This is boring, I wanna get to the fighting already!" but I know the prologue wasn't that long. Plenty of movies do setup before the action starts. 40 minutes out of a game lasting many hours is less severe than 40 minutes out of a 1ish hour film.
The real problem is that it was painful to watch the hero suffer for that long.
Even though he eventually got a horse gf and taught her the truth.
And even though I gave the hero's mom some fat juicy tits to stare at while she reads his diary and cries.
So I'm saving this good story and its good characters for later and I'm making something softer and simpler for this game's story.
The fighting can start immediately once the amnesiac princess with superpowers wakes up in her war tent surrounded by armed men and women explaining that she is their leader and her country is at war.
Inflation is a complicated subject but "Orcs are attacking, pick up your sword or they will rape you, I'll explain the politics of the land and tell you the names of the countries on that map when we are wiping orc blood off our swords with the stolen clothes on dead orcs" is an easier concept to firmly grasp. Because you are a princess and you dont want the orcs to firmly grasp you. Or do any of the other stuff they do to women.
The story of a man rising up to save a country that had lost its way was too complicated. One good princess and some knights? "Your King dad is a fucking cuck puppet and baby eating demons control the government"? That won't take 40 minutes to explain.
Anonymous
6c09a87
?
No.356122
>>356119
>Playtesters said "This is boring, I wanna get to the fighting already!" but I know the prologue wasn't that long. Plenty of movies do setup before the action starts.
>movies
That's the problem
Games aren't movies.
Games are games. They have some degree of player agency.
Or make the whole thing interesting.
You have to let them know what they are getting into.
If it's a fighting game about fighting shit and the player being cool while fighting then thats what it has to set up. Set up in this case is roughly five seconds.
Sure you could dress it up nice and distract them.
Thing is what are your play testers testing?
If it's mechanics then they don't care that much about story.
If it's seeing if the story is fine, the pacing and engagement thats different.

If you told the play tester check out my awesome game full of cool moves they are looking foward to that.
That's different then asking someone to see the story with deep themes and stuff.
People operate using power curves for feeling, action and attention.
Anonymous
ce5fa1d
?
No.356123
>>356119
>40 minutes out of a game lasting many hours is less severe than 40 minutes out of a 1ish hour film.
It's clearly not the same if you actually value your time. "Loosing" a few minutes, as opposed to nearly an hour.
Besides, you'd have to be Hideo Kojima if you expect anyone to sit for that long.
Similarly, the only reason some authors can get away with certain shit, is because they already are consolidated writers.
Anons have already pointed this out before.
It may not be exactly fair, but it makes sense. You have to seriously consider what you are doing from a marketing perspective.

Don't take it too harshly nigga. It's a legitimate advice.
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356136
I thought it was okay for 40 minutes of worldbuilding before the large scale battles start because I added playable fights and tutorials here and there. I introduce a character, I show a bit of that character's life, and then an orc gang with machetes attacks and needs to be killed. I introduce a character, the hero reads books with her and then fantasizes about a big battle and you play that big fight with characters who dont exist outside of it. I was stunned at how much that offended playtesters, as if any and all effort expended with characters designed to be "A taste of power" early on is completely wasted because the EXP doesnt go to your main characters. I should have added a large scale playable prologue flash forward thing. Oh well. Now I'm making a simpler FE game with bigger battles, bigger tits, subtler politics, simpler concepts. The orcs and goblins are still evil but the amnesiac rebellious princess with a sword exiled from her evil cucked royal family for having a heart doesnt need hours of setup for the target audience to get it and get on board with helping her slaughter Orcs.
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356153
Man, I used to be a fucking retard when it comes to writing.

That old pony fic didn't need a "hunt for the collectables" quest to add tension.

What it needed was a villain.

Not some bootleg team rocket looking to take over the world with the power of magic cards.

The story needed a villain stronger than the hero, richer, sexier, and obsessed with Twilight Sparkle for all the wrong reasons. A villain suited for the romance story. He could be older than the hero to make him seem bigger, or younger to make him seem better, whichever makes him a bigger contrast to the hero. The hero would want to make love to Twilight and marry her, while the villain would want to impress her and seduce her and bed her and get super strong kids to improve his rich evil old money family's fame and wealth and power. Or if that's too dark he could want to take her for all she's got and put a cursed ring on her that steals her magic and leaves her a dried up husk with nothing left to take until he's killed and she's healed. The hero would be the underdog, and he would be Gaston but more so. The hero can improve, and has to improve, but Gaston cannot improve or create, he can only take. Audiences would be gripping the edge of their seats. Would Twilight get with the villainous gigachad, or the heroic virgin male? Can the hero overcome his impoverishedness and beta cuck nature and crippling depression and not only get the girl, but save her from a monster? The villain could represent everything the hero once wished he was: Confident, rich, famous, powerful, attractive. But now the hero doesn't care about anything besides Twilight and doing what's right.

I think that would work for the pony fic. Does anyone have any objections?
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.356158
356161
>>356119
I recommend reading this.
https://frictionalgames.com/2017-05-planning-the-core-reason-why-gameplay-feels-good/
Backstory is valuable but relatively few players will sit doing nothing for that long. The art of game design is incorporating all that with gameplay and stuff that keeps players engaged. The Mother series does that well by having you play different characters who end up meeting at a future point.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.356160
356166
Updated with more words:
https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/ryT8dxL8j
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356161
>>356158
This is good shit!
I think my story of love and rebellion would be better suited to a visual novel or comic where people are primarily here for the story.
This Fire Emblem game will have characters who should feel more... Fire Emblemy.
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.356166
>>356160
I love it, the play had me howling with laughter!
Anonymous
6c09a87
?
No.356223
Elden Ring inspired Anonymous in Equestria
>Be me
>Anon
>Four words sentence the bright and wonderful day of horsepussyland to the cruel reality.
>"Anon, you are mareless."
>Destroyer of hopes and dreams Rainbow no-longer-bro-for-a-hot-minute Dash continues.
>"You've got here in Equestria with all these lovely lonely mares but some how you don't have a fillyfriend."
>Her dagger of ruination delivers a final blow.
>"I called in my favor."
>Every pony, hero and person of interest is given three wishes they could ask of Princess Molestia.
>The Princess of Molestation, Lewdness and incredibly repressed due to lacking her own body.
>Princess Celestia has a time share deal till The Royal Concubine's body reforms.
>As such Princess Molestia can only give out three wishes per being barring a few near impossible conditions.
>Rainbow Dash already used two
>The first to live a blessed life.
>The second to be the fastest pegasus pony in all of Equestria.
>"Such loyalty to your friend my dear Rainbow Dash. I will always remember it."
>Princess Molestia fades in like the ghostly spirit she currently is.
>Slowly a teleporation spell casted on small parts reaching faster than others forming her mostly complete visage.
>You wern't born in Equestria, nor a hero because of a missing part, the minutia of the details concerning a being of interest denies you The Lewd Princess Pony's wishes as well.
>"Anon, Rainbow Dash has said you are mareless why is this so?"
>It's not that you didn't want your very own hors wife
>Your innate energy because of where you've came from hinders the innate energies of Equestia from effecting you.
>You only hear when ponies sing, not the rising rhythm of the indomitable pony spirit shouting upon reality.
>You can only see what ponies interact with you do, the underlying Snowpitty weaving to another for an actual relationship is nigh untouchable.
>Your heart and mind and soul remain your own, no other may claim it here.
>None, no matter your desire to bond with them in any capacity.
>So you do what you can, being there, yet the key facet all beings of this world is denied to you.
>Timeless, deathless, tireless, indivisible, infatigueable, immutable, solely who you are and that also means mareless.
>If you can't connect with a mare on that primal level there is nothing there for you or her.
>To protect them and others from harm.
>You happen to fall outside of that edict.
"I am barred all avenues you see."
>Both Raibow bro-till-the-end-wingpony Dash and Princess Molestia heard the grievance in full.
>"As I am I'm less of a mare, yet in this I can be a mare for you bridging that gap."
>Her shaply rear rises, low and behold her pony donut and hors pussy.
>"Claim me as the mare I once was and together we will break through this dry spell and have pony maidens."
>Your cock leaps into action.
"If you will have me!"
>She does.
>Thus begins the journey of Anon.
>Alicorn Lord.
Anonymous
40dea59
?
No.356237
356240 356241
>your girl asks to be a part of your story
What the fuck do I do
Anonymous
0c78a7b
?
No.356240
>>356237
Tell her to stop being imaginary.
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.356241
356242
>>356237
If you just want to mollify her, write her in as a background character who is pleasant enough but has no real effect on the plot. If you think you can actually pull it off, write her in as a major character with admirable traits but isn't a Mary Sue, and who doesn't screw up your story. If you want to troll her, write her as a repugnant character everyone would hate.

Whatever you do, don't use her real name or necessarily complete description.
Anonymous
40dea59
?
No.356242
356243
>>356241
Okay but how do I know people won't lewd her or do speedruns to kill her off
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.356243
356244
>>356242
Oh, you're talking about a game, not a written story. Rule 34 has no exceptions, but there's much less chance of her specifically being affected if she's not the only attractive female character. People would speedrun killing her only if her role is annoying.
Anonymous
40dea59
?
No.356244
356245
>>356243
That makes sense. Sorry for the typo, the gameplay side of things is going good but getting the story and characters right is harder. There are playable maps with identical blank-faced people whose pre-fight cutscenes say shit like "Insert swordie 3's dialogue here". A lot of characters aren't done yet. But the hero's pretty much done.

At first the hero's weapons are his fists, and the bows and arrows of hunters. He hunts for food for his family, he works hard at his job for his family, he's a hard worker used to working with his hands, and when he starts fighting evil he doesn't just battle it, he hunts it. But as he grows and becomes enlightened by the right ideology, he starts using a specific kind of magic, Life Magic, the magic of his people, techniques the evil empire tries to stamp out just like it tries to stamp out his ideology and ban his weapons and enslave his hands.

By the time he levels up enough to gain access to Swords, his support and battlefield control magic makes him more useful controlling battles and aiding his allies than he would be dealing damage on the front lines like anyone else, which keeps him feeling relevant and uniquely important gameplay-wise even when you're keeping him in the back and only bringing him out to fight the map's bosses to ensure your other units can fight and gain EXP and secure time-sensitive objectives. This lets him feel impactful without necessarily making him as OP as Chrom+Robin were in FE Awakening. In that game those two fucks were damn near invincible+super strong because if one of them dies you're forced to start over, they were SSS tier fighters when even your best other units were S tier at most.

I saw one guy do a "No resets" run and the more units he lost with each map, the easier the game became because he had less to distract him from optimally positioning his overpowered Chrom+Robin.

The hero doesn't just gain new powers over time because "it's a videogame so he has to gain new weapons". He doesn't fake the illusion of gaining power over time by going from a Bronze Bow to an Iron Bow to a Steel Bow to a Titansteel Bow. He changes how he fights as he grows and his rebellion against tyranny grows and his core gameplay function in the primary gameplay loop shifts. He's a pure guy who awakens and becomes a pure hero seeking to bring life back to this land and freedom to his people. Giving him the power to heal and strengthen allies, create food, block chokepoints with trees, summon plants to attack enemies, on top of how he can summon the ghosts of his dead family to join his army... At risk of sounding corny, this guy is love, and this guy is life, but he has to discover these things. He's full of love for his people and love for freedom and life. At the start he's depressed because slave life is shit. But the darkness can be defeated.

I could make him learn elemental attacks from the enemies he defeats because symbolism, resolving to use their power better than them, and he deems these assholes unworthy of ruling others aka having power to tie into that symbolism, but the gameplay's currently designed so each magic-capable character only has one element each. The hero's element of Life suits him better than trying to invent an excuse for him to be The Avatar with all six elements but also not a chosen one like The Avatar was. So maybe he should only use the Life element. Then again stealing your foe's power by killing them is a common videogame thing because it's an easy way to add new tools for the player and new complexity to the challenges. I've put a lot of thought into this and he's going to learn Life Magic over time with the aid of old masters and ancient books, and growing into embodying new life for his people and nation is deeply symbolic, but killing enemies with their own magic element would be pretty cool. I'll have to think about this. Does anyone here have any suggestions?
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.356245
>>356244
I love the concept you've come up with. Best of luck on it!