/mlpol/ - My Little Politics

If you want to see the latest posts from all boards in a convenient way please check out /overboard/

By clicking New Reply, I acknowledge the existence of the Israeli nuclear arsenal.
Select File / Oekaki
Password (For file and/or post deletion.)

Writefag Support Circle: A Gathering of Based Gentlemen Who Smoke Pipes.
336929 336941 336955 337011 338530
Hello. This is the second thread of the writefag circle, here: >>299458 →

Basically all that is said in that OP applies to this one but I'll go through the 'rules' of this thread here as well.

So, the main point of this thread is to facilitate and enable Anons' writefagging; in a similar way pride facilitates and enables aids.;^P The Anons in this thread can be seperated into two camps: Anons who wants help with their writing project(s) and Anons that feel inclined to help those aforementioned shrek-colored skinheads.

Crafting and beta-reading is what we do here, any critique of literature not made by a guy submitted for this thread should be incidental; it should be when you —as a beta-reader of fics posted ITT— make a comparision between the fic your reviewing and some other story for the sake of demonstrating your point, whatever it is.

This is NOT: A review thread for unsolicited rants about random media which does not fall into the mold for how to use a refrence in this thread described in the above paragraph. Meaning if you're not using —like, let's pick something arbitrary— Naruto for a comparision in your critique of someone's writing itt, then don't bring it up. I understand that tangents can happen and if it's like a few exchanges with a pair of posters; then it's fine. However, don't make this a pattern and also move whatever off-thread-topic discussion to a more fitting board/thread. There's after all no problem with finding someone to converse with and share perspectives on a subject you care about but just take it to an appropriate thread. Sidenote: Nigel, these rules applies to you in a stricter fashion because I would not have to detail them with this much precision if it weren't for you.

I hope that I haven't scared anybody off. This is still suppose to be a chill af thread. Funposting is very much allowed and encouraged. It really is more that some type of posting —like, things that are completely irrelevant to the thread— does not belong here. I know, rocket-science and a rule that is seldom seen and highly unique for this thread. Perhaps you could call it a... Novelty. (You) intelligent lurker, obviously get the subtext of this OP so you probably won't need to worry about any of this. I'd say if you're unsure if what you're about to post belongs in the thread, then post it anyway. The worst that can happen is that someone tells you to move it to another thread and you get a better insight of what post belongs in thread. If you consist on fish and chips, however, I'd sugguest you think twice on what you're posting and perhaps even ask beforehand if your rant about lefties and Undertale belongs here.

If there are any questions on the OP, ask away?
83 replies and 22 files omitted.
You're right. Instead of saving the explanations for after the story is over they should factor into the story as it is being told, while the villain is still around to argue for what he's doing and the heroes are around to say "There must be a better way to x" or "She wouldn't want this" or whatever.
No. Some stuff doesn't need to be said in the middle or beginning of the story.
>At that point the story is winding down, loose ends are being tied up.
Does the information tie up loose ends? If so when is it most appropriate?
>The story has been told. It's over.
Which means the cooling and winding down period. Because leaving the reader/audience hanging is usually a dick move.
Put the stuff in the most meaningful spot. It's highly contextual.
>Be Anonymous.
"...I gave you a red deck because it has the simplest battle plan: Direct damage and attack. However, I want you to test the other colors so that can see which you have the most fun with and... Uhh, are you listening, Twilight?"
>Purple eyes travel in a line before they jump a peg down and repeat the process like a typewriter.
>The lavender unicorn levitates a deck's worth of cards and reads the text-box of one before she discards it to read another.
"Twilight? You listenin'?" you ask again.
>"Hm-mm." she says but she doesn't look your way.
>You feel a small ache in your cheeks as your smile stretches your face.
>You walk around, behind her, and read the card she's reading.
>The card's picture is almost literally ginger Shrek, running through a prairie.
>You place your pointer finger so it underlines a word written in bold on the card.
>It reads, 'Haste'.
"This means the creature can attack, on the same turn it was summoned."
>Twilight turns her head up towards you. "Don't they all?"
"No, there's a mechanic called, 'Summoning sickness' that means that creatures have to skip taking any action the turn that they were summoned on."
>There's a pause and then she speaks again.
>"Hm, so this is so you can attack before your opponent can prepare for your creature?"
>Your eyes get so lewdly slanted, they can be blinded by a string of dental floss.
"I guess they don't call you, Purplesmart "—You pop the 'P'."— for nothing."
>She shuts her eyes and smiles brightly at your compliment.
Frenly reminder
If my work comes across as a one-sided rant rather than a genuine story, how do I fix that?
You want to know what your problem is? Your problem is that you are constantly shitting out these huge texts that have many, many things wrong with them, to the point where there are few people with the patience to actually sit and read all of it, let alone analyze it and tell you where all the thousands of problems are. Then, you ask these really broad questions that are impossible to answer, and would probably net you very little practical advice even if anyone could answer and wanted to. You don't even listen to the advice you're given anyway; you literally just keep producing the same kinds of turds over and over, and asking the same stupid general questions about how you should go about polishing them.

>If my work comes across as a one-sided rant rather than a genuine story, how do I fix that?
How does one even respond to a question like this? Step one would probably be learning how to actually tell a genuine story, and then step two would be doing that instead of shitting out the kind of absolute garbage you usually write. Is that helpful advice? I'm assuming no, but there's not really any other answer to give you.

Someone at your skill level should not be attempting stories of the scale and complexity that you're attempting for the same reason that someone who can't draw shouldn't be attempting something on the scale of the Sistine Chapel ceiling. A novice artist should be learning basic things like anatomy and proportions, and testing out what they've learned in simple projects where it's possible to focus on one small thing at a time, and ask for focused feedback on the specific things being worked on. Likewise, you should be attempting short, simple pieces that focus on basic scenes involving one or two characters at a time, and that aren't trying to make some massively complex social or political statement. Try greentexting something short and simple, where it's actually possible for someone to give focused criticism and specific advice.

Here's something else to consider. In programming, there's a term called GIGO (Garbage In, Garbage Out). What it basically means is that regardless of the quality of an algorithm, bad input will generally produce bad output. In the same vein, if you want to produce higher quality writing, you may want to consider actually exposing yourself to some. Whenever you bring up something that inspired you or that you want to imitate, it's always some video game or some Shonen Jump anime or some cartoon written for ten year olds. Maybe it's a little hypocritical to be bringing this up on a site that is literally dedicated to a cartoon written for ten year olds, but you'll notice that most people here are also capable of discussing other things. MLP itself is not just influenced by other children's cartoons; Lauren Faust clearly had an extensive working knowledge of Western mythology and literature to draw from.

You want to learn how to write effective social and political commentary? Maybe try picking up Aldous Huxley or George Orwell or Michel Houellebecq and study how someone actually talented approaches the problems you're running into. People around here might take you a little more seriously if you could prove that you're capable of reading and understanding something that was actually written for an adult audience.
10/10, theres so much to this post that Im not gonna
344291 344366
Y-you okay fren?...
Yes, thank you.
Characters with opinions make good stories, but opinions with characters make bad characters.

When I started writing Silver vs Glimmer as a way to flesh out their characters and beliefs it devolved into incoherence.

I thought trying to establish her as someone who genuinely thought she was doing the right thing at the time would make me hate her less, but my hatred for communism kept me from writing her as a character who could grow from being wrong. And Silver's conduct reflected poorly on himself and not-communism. The hero of political fables should be flawless once they learn the truth, any failings on the hero's part confuses the message. The communist goal is to gain the power to pretend you are a God, no matter the cost. The highest form of non victim in a mindset that fetishizes victimhood, the most protected all-powerful oppressive thing someone could possibly be: a mad tinpot dictator who thinks himself a God worthy of statues larger than churches. So if he's punishing her for her sins like some kind of deity after what amounted to a fistfight over politics, the allegory has failed. The goodie defeats the baddie because he has more power... that is a gay way to write. Even the stories that amount to that try to seem like more than that. They equate power with worthiness and purity or tie the weak underdog hero gaining power to defying fate.

If you see the villain punished at the end of the movie you walk away satisfied that the evil was defeated, that's why Zootopia didn't just stop with Bellweather, it focused on the racism within Judy that caused her to denounce all carnivores and laugh off Nick's disgust with her (at first). The hero didn't just magically defeat society's racism by trying hard enough, she found ways to compensate for her real deficiencies(jumping off ropes to hit harder), found good only she could do (saving rats), proved herself to those who thought little of her, and overcame the racism within herself. Whether you agree with the movie's take on racism or not, it handled the idea better than I handled "fuck communism" in that chapter. And while speciesism is at the core of Zootopia, the topic of politics and communism and some OC in a show full of them has nothing to do with the story of Twilight and Pinkie and Rainbow Dash and how they bring out the best in their first love.

I just shoved politics into my love story because I thought this, along with hoverboards and a hunt for magic macguffins, would make my story better. And that was gay.
344367 344372
I just found this thread
It's been a long time since I write anything, especially for chans.
This is the last thing I wrote, no one interacted with the post so the story didn't go past that and I had nothing special planned for this.

>At the start of last year, on a camping trip, I got pushed into the endless pit.
>There was no warning, I had seen no signs, but my trekking buddy just went on and dispatched me.
>In retrospect, should have seen that coming.

>Adrenaline rushed through my veins, time slowed down...All that bullshit
> The last thing I saw was that shit-eaters smug as I fell down the pit
>All I felt was rage

>Maybe that's why I ended up where I am
>Maybe this is just my personal hell
>No matter the answer, I seem to be inside some mind-boggling, impossible office space
>All I see is corridors, with more of these fucking fluorescent lights
>More of these fucking yellow walls
>And this damned generic carpet

>What am I supposed to do now?

It's pretty uninspired but well, what do you guys think? Maybe I'll write up something for ya guys, since the internet as a whole seems like a big dumb boring brick lately.
Yes, I feel pretty good. Spend a lot of time thinking nowadays. I really appreciate your concern though.
Was it you who wrote that story about a man who cared too much about what others thought of him so he cut off his legs in his treehouse?

Yes, please do write something but no pressure to either.
This one?

>Once upon a time there was a man who lived in a treehouse.
>Everyday people passed by his treehouse and called him weird and mocked him for being so old and still living in a treehouse.
>So he took some wood and boarded up all the windows and doors so that nobody could look inside and see him in there.
>But even though they couldnt see him anymore, he still knew they thought he was weird.
>But he grew comfortable not needing to hear what he knew they all thought about him. And decided to never leave his treehouse.
>Eventually he ran out of food in there. But he realized that he would never need to use his arms while in here, which is where he would always be. So he ate them.
>Later when he got hungry again, he thought that hed much rather not have legs than go outside. So he ate those too.
>And when there was nothing else to eat, he felt how hungry he was getting and just how hungry he could get. And that compared to this, he did want to go outside again to get food.
>But the windows and doors were boarded up. And without arms or legs, he couldnt open them to leave.
>So he started yelling for help. Hoping to be heard by all the people that would normally be walking outside his house.
>But since he boarded up his windows and doors, people had stopped passing by his house. When they saw that they werent able to get to him anymore that he needed to grow up.
>But he couldn't see outside, and just assumed that they hated him so much like they always did that they didn't want to save him.
>The end.

No, i didn't write it, but i like it too, an anon wrote that story years ago and i saved it cause i liked it.
That's good to hear. It's been a while, that's all.
Will try to read this one later on.
344381 344382
Pleasantly reiterating a request for a critical review of this >>338677
Yeah, I saw it, sorry. I was hoping I could get around to it.
I think I put it off because it looks impenetrable and too complicated but I have nothing to base this one. Will try later.
344383 344385
>In a/the finished product, I would not utilize an omniscient narrator, thats just lazy writing. Omniscient narrators are only acceptable when describing otherwise uncorrelated things, so that the nuance of how an apparently spontaneous effect is still possible, predictably; with exception, the protagonist is experiencing a stream of stimulus/context and responding sincerely to it.
I prefer to write in omniscient narration and think it's the best style to write in. Why do you dislike it and what does what you wrote mean here?
I didn't get it.
What I meant by that is that in a completed work I wouldnt have to resort to statements like "many moons had passed since 'this thing'", as there would be indicators of days, weeks, etc. passing. Im utilizing it in this case to supplement the absence of content leading up to the depicted instance.
To expound on this:
If writing a full story two options immediately present themselves. I could describe a day's worth of uneventful activities, or I could simply state that the next day(s) were uneventful. In a serious work, I would favor the former, as it would allow me to slip in any foreshadowy bits or setup for a later interaction. There's techn9cally nothing wrong with the 'nothing happened for many moons' approach, I just dont care for it as a reader.
I guess my writing is in the limited omniscient narration, or whatever it's called. Like, I don't like to summaries events so instead I try to show time progression with cuts and telling events.

For example: I don't say, "Her friends stayed until the evening." I cut the scene and start the next with: "The sun sunk past the horizon. A mountain of foam popped in the sink and plates dripped from the dish rack."
But I usually only do this for flare. I realized that I convoluted my writing. Now, I focus on 90/10 on clarity respectively flare.
344448 344449
Would it be pointless to request a review for a short story intentionally written to be shit?
Put it a different way.
>Hey. I wrote absolute shit, anyone want to review it?
Doea that sound enticing?
344498 344518
Huh why would someone review something that even the author admits is shit?
I'm really curious, what are you thinking?
I think he's trying to equate my usage of a draft and review system with "writing intentional shit"; the idea being that since this isnt a 'final draft' that its illegitimate. I'll admit theres a bit of reach on that one tho
I've started to split up my writing practice into the technical parts of writing: Descriptions, pacing, and dialogue. I do this by writing down a movie that I already know from memory. I try to transcribe it into a novel. This way my inner ego doesn't get hung up on the story part of what I'm writing since it's not mine and I can focus on just the technical part of it.

For storytelling, I try to fantasize and simulate scenarios in my head. Maybe jot down some plot points and an overarching timeline.

But I have only just begun doing the first paragraph so far. We'll see.
I'm not a scheming 4D chess mastermind. I don't equate or suggest, I'm a simple straightforward guy.
I just wrote a brief shitpost and was wondering if it would be worth asking for feedback.
On one hand it was written to be shit.
On the other hand maybe advice could help me write better shitposts in the future.

Also writing question for a good story
>be me
>write story where the opening chapter establishes the hero as a child, then a timeskip happens, then we meet him as an adult
>but the canon ponies dont show up until after the timeskip
>which might be at least 3 chapters

Would the average brony read about an OC for that long just to get to text featuring his favourite characters?
Is it worth showhorning filly Twilight into adventures before meeting her friends?
This is Nigel
>Would the average brony read about an OC for that long just to get to text featuring his favourite characters?

Gosh negro 3 fucking chapters for a shitpost?

Dude be thankful someone lifts their ballshack and happens to read a single line of your post, let alone a whole paragraph that's intentionally written like shit.
What the fuck
I see the source of the confusion now.

This is my short shitpost. It's shit on purpose.
It even starts with an unattributed quote barely associated with the subsequent story, because that's a gay thing bad writers do.

My other fimfic is in-progress and it starts with 3 chapters of OC focus before Twilight or any other canon characters show up.
I guess I could shoehorn some minor canon characters in there, maybe pander to bronies by including nameless background ponies using the names and headcanoned personalities+backstories invented by assorted brony forums.
Then again that last thing sounds gay.
A random appearance by filly Octavia or filly Twilight Sparkle would definitely work better, right?
344686 344808
With a lit joint in her mouth and skulls cracking under her hooves, Twilight sparkle made her way through the dark cemetery.
"Come back here you son of a bitch" She would exclaim engulfing a poor demon's ass in her devastating purple aura moments before releasing two raging buckleshots up the poor creature's anus.
Demon after demon, would fall as she made her way with a seemingly never-ending lust for guts and gore…

"Isn't this…A bit over the top?"
As if he was violently pulled from a perverted dream, the old, shabby gryphon narrating the story threw a puzzled look at the purple mare sitting in front of him.
"What- What do you mean? i was just getting started-"
The mare shook her head, as the gryphon's face contorted in pure defeat.
"I'm sorry…Charly was it? Look, i know we have been getting low ratings but 'never-ending lust for guts and gore'?" Twilight would gently laugh before leaning on the table, raising an eyebrow "You're joking, right?"
"L-look I'm just- T-the audience" The gryphon stuttered, stumbling on his own tongue as words refused to come out.
Gazing into his tearful eyes, Twilight stood up, pulling a card from her saddlebag.
"Look, Charly, i know you want a more 'mature' reboot and all but this isn't the way, alright?" She levitated the card closer to the gryphon, who held it with both hands like a hopeful kid.
"Give me a call when you get a better idea" Said the purple unicorn, making her way out of the room, leaving the gryphon behind as he slowly turned all of that sadness into pure, uncontrolled rage.

Two broken tables and numerous teacups later, the Gryphon called the number Twilight had left him, with the hopes of convincing her to reassess her decision. To his surprise, the number led to a certain party whom is known to despise the gryphons.
The two parties exchanged a few insults before the Gryphon said too much. In a panic, he ripped the telephone off the line and ran back to his room to prepare his luggage, but by then, it was already too late.

And so no one else ever heard of that gryphon again, and i know it was the truth because i was there, and hit that old geezer with my own hand, almost broke a knuckle! But damn he had good taste in alcohol, we got enough cider to fill a whole pool from his house!
344808 344834
I like that. The social commentary about how 'mature' content is somehow less mature than mlp was in this day and age is something I have been thinking of before and this fic captured that for me.
344834 344887
Nice, I should have focused more on that theme in my shitpost.
The Griffon could get butthurt about nobody liking MlP: Murderous laughing Ponies (another title idea I almost went with)
But then
The ponies could say something mature and optimistic about loss and hope that shocks the cynical Griffon as he sees the wisdom in their words and the value in spreading optimism.

Watching beautiful movies with nature's beauty but no blatant obnoxious environmental message made me think "I wish I lived in a world that beautiful"
And it made me think, does a work have to spell out jew facts to awaken people or is it enough to get viewers to feel "I am glad the smart beautiful elf heroes saved their ethnostate in the trees from the child-eating evil Goblins"?
Can a work be subtle about its politics and hint at the truth to tell the truth better than any extended political rant disguised as a story?
Not bad, I think something a bit more elaborated with this concept would be pretty nice.
>This way my inner ego doesn't get hung up on the story part of what I'm writing since it's not mine and I can focus on just the technical part of it.
That's...painfully relatable.
So, am probably not the one to comment on this one. But yeah, people tend to associate edgy teenage violence, over the top actions and overblown reactions with mature content.
Which is a shame. After all, when there is essence, an appropriate display of violence is extremely effective. Not exactly necessary in order to write a master piece. But an author would be limiting himself by refraining, much like with the use of a difficult premise.
>Can a work be subtle about its politics and hint at the truth to tell the truth better than any extended political rant disguised as a story?
344888 344893
>with mature content.
I think people just do that to market it to teenagers and pre-teens (Omilulz I'm so mature watching gore)
When actual mature content is more in the lines of
Movies: You were never really here, The lobster, Gummo
Manga: We did it, Punpun, Himizu

You might notice all of these deal with heavy topics.
Yeah, that's exactly the thing, it deals with complex emotions and stories most of them deal with trauma and sadness, in some of them the main character gives up and dies in others it is capable of overcoming these, in some there is no main character at all.
What they do have in common is the maturity, the light in which things are shed, death is not a sport, emotions are important, small things can have big repercusions in a story and it's characters and emotional maturity and immaturity is easily seen.

It is mature content because you need a certain maturity to consume it or else you might not understand it, find it boring or just get depressed over it without thinking about it's message. You need a certain maturity to understand it.
In the case of gore media, it is the opposite, you just need a certain maturity to watch it to understand that is dark humor and not socially acceptable, so you don't end up fapping to gore like some /b/ fags.

If you're gonna write something, don't write something insanely big that just feels like a waste of time in the end.
Think of the "everybody walk the dinosaur" it was funny because it was annoying, because the story feels like a waste of time when you get to the end, yet it has a punchline, so it's not 100% underwhelming.
You end up feeling played, not like you wasted 15 minutes of your life.

>"I am glad the smart beautiful elf heroes saved their ethnostate in the trees from the child-eating evil Goblins"?
Your post are fucking unreal my negro.
You manage to be as subtle as a brick to the nape.
Think a bit harder about it and maybe you can come up with something good, you can use this as an example if you want, it's some old story i wrote about aryanne
It's not supposed to hit you in the nuts with "DA JOOZ EVIL" if i remember well, i wrote it trying to make your average normie sympathize with aryanne.
I do believe it must be full of grammatical errors and it must be a not so good story since i have improved, but still it's good enough to illustrate my point.
344889 344893
So, i tried to fix an error or two i spotted and
>pic related
Well, fuck me
Here's the greentext version, won't hurt no one to post it here:

>You've been a little filly for far too long
>Every time you try to help twi, she just laughs it off and tells you
"MaYbE WHeN yOu gRow uP"
>Theres only one way to show 'em just how resourceful you can be
>You have to stop the next big villain before they even have the chance
>Eventually, a new villain does show up
>As always you aren't allowed to help
>This is how you ended up leaning against the door on the throne room, trying to make out words.
>Cant let her ... methods ...extreme
>White...zebras and....that happens...Now?
>This is getting nowhere
>You sigh and lay on the floor, arms wide to the sides
>How the hell are you supposed to help if you can't even make out what they are saying!
>Fine, you'll find out yourself!

>You asked around town for any malicious folk, all you got was some weird looks, some candy and an apple
>It wasn't so bad but seems like twilight got an ear of your shenanigans, cause now you're off to your room early, basically grounded.
>The nerve on that horse, you're probably older than her
>on the other hand, could be worse, you got the bed all for yourself and
>You jump out of bed, heart making some sick beats
>Something just crash-landed into your room
>And this time it's not rainbow-color and holding a mug of cider
>This pony is white, and wearing a trench coat
>Ow the edge
>She gets up seemingly unharmed by the broken crystal and looks up at you
>"You are anon-i-mouse, ja?"
>Your brain is too busy at the moment
>Who will take on the speaking duty now?
>Oh no
"You talking to me vanillaface?"
>"No, vith the hore that birthed you"
"Thankfully, till later, vanilla-face"
"What do you want, for fucks sake"
>"In vhich room can i find anoneh-mouss?"
"It's 'anonymous' you dumb horse, and you're looking at him"
"Oh? What do you mean "Oh"? "
>"You look like a normal filly?"
"No shit!? I thought i looked like a toilet 'Cause im tired of your crap already"
>Aryanne laughs
>"Now, now"
>She pulls out something from under her trench coat
>You're no /k/ommando, but you recognize a pistol when you see one
>Your pupils retract as you instinctively take a step back
>Where the fuck did she even get a pistol from
>"Vhen i heerd of a horrible m...Affe, pony hybrid, i had to take matter on me own hooves, ja?"
>Damn, you're stuttering
>You take a breath and puff out your chest c
>Time to channel your inner ne*ggro
>You stand on two hooves, doing your best sassy black woman that needs nuffin' impression
"Yoo pullin' dat glock on ah, ya' biatch ass ni**a? ya' betta git yo sorry ass outta mah face 'fore ah bash ya' fuckin' hed in, ya feel?" >On a second thought maybe that wasnt such a good idea
>Aryanne inspects her pistol carefully
>"Ms. Anon, i'm not here to mordet you"
>Not anymore
>"I'm here to judge meinself"
"Judge? What do you mean judge?"
>"Let me tell you about the Gryphons..."

>Around 4 cakes later
>"And zat's why chicken cross zee road"
>Aryanne nods proudly
>"No matter, think about it, little one, i'll come back tomorrow, we remove alpist, ja?"
>She chuckles and climbs back the hole she made when literally crashing in
>You sit on the bed, silence as your companion
>That talk gave you too much to think about
>Especially because you couldn't understand half the things she said

>Next day
"Twilight, can we talk?"
>"Anon, im really busy, can you wait a few-"
>She sees your serious expression, giving you an awkard smile
>"...I suppose i can spare a few minutes"
>One short walk to the kitchen later
"Twilight, are zig- Are zebras bad?"
>Twilight gives you a confused look
>"Of course not, anon. We've already addressed this back when zecora came into town, zebras look and act different because they come from a different culture. Like any other citizen of equestria, they deserve respect and a fair chance to live within our kind."
"What if they start mixing with the ponies and spreading their culture all over ours, what if they eventually replace us!?"
>You sound a bit more urgent than inteended
>Thankfuly Twilight chuckles at your panic
>"You've been reading equestrian history for once?"
>She gives you a doubtful look and continues
>"Anon, Zecora is only one, im certain we dont have to worry about her replacing us any time soon but if that were ever to be attempted, im sure we could come up with a solution"
>You dont really like that vague answer, but she does has a point.
"What about gryphons?"
>Twilight stares into nothingness for a few seconds, as if she remembered about leaving the stove on back home
>"Everyone deserves a fair chance." she says flatly.
>By the looks of it, she's thinking way more than just that, but doesn't says anything.
>You decide to not push it.

>Around 6 weeding cakes later
>It's sunset, and you're leaning against the balcony in your room.
>You have been thinking a lot about the whole issue
>Every pony is way too naive, they trust others way too much and as that white mare pointed out, this has led to some major catastrophes in Equestrian history.
>The tigerkin massacre, the mothpony invasion, the elephant's foot, rosemary's triangle...
>It just keeps happening because no one is there to do what must be done before it's too late
>But how can you ever agree to join this mare, by doing that you would betray everypony's trust
>You would betray Twilight, even if she was a shit-tier mom and forced you to put the toilet seat up like you put up with her crap
>She was still the closest thing you had for a mother
>You hear a weird sound coming from under the balcony
>You lean-in and see...
>Aryanne, wearing suction cups, climbing her way up
>She reaches the balcony and gives you a warm smile
>"Anon, lieben! Have you thought about it, ja?"
"Just shoot me"
>Your bluntness wipes the smile off her face
>You shut your eyes tight, holding back whatever emotion wanting to overcome you.
"Shoot me, i've got no choice, i cant betray Twilight, i cant betray her friends and everyone else i know, i get it, i'm either an ally or a foe, so get this over with quick, i-i dont want to-."
>Aryanne shushs you with her hoof, her face cold and serious
>"Fräulein, we make sacrifices for our future -"
>You push away her hoof, tears on your eyes, you hide them burying your face on your hooves.
"No, no. I-i dont wanna leave them, i dont want to be your enemy i-i just wanna do the right thing"
>Filly sobs echo through the room
>You feel something press against your head
>Your whole body trembles as you shut your eyes tight, waiting for the blast
>Just a sharp pain and then it will be all over
>The smell of vanilla fills your nostrils, as you feel the thing moving downwards, accompanying your mane
>Wait what
>You raise your head and dry the tears away with your hoof
>Aryanne is petting you wearing a concerned expression
>"I should not have put so much pressure on you, mein kleiner"
>Aryanne's calmness and behavior takes you by surprise, you stare at her in confusion.
>She pulls closer, pushing your face against her chest.
>You instinctively comply, leaning against her soft fur. She does smells of vanilla.
>Closing your eyes, you can hear her heartbeat, the soft rhythm in company of her caresses, makes your whole body relax.
>You let out a breath you didn't even realize you were holding, suddenly you feel exposed, vulnerable, but at the same time warm and protected.
>You let the tears escape your eyes, all of those emotions deep inside you escape, and seemingly evaporate as they meet the warmth of your protector
>"Das tut mir leid, i should have explain, you dont have to choose, you already have ze weltanschauung within you"
>Aryanne stops petting you and holds your cheeks, raising your head a bit and looking into your eyes
>"I dont want you to betray, i want you to protect"
>You look away shyly
>"Can i trust you with this, little one?"
>You nod softly, she gives you a smile
>"Wunderbar! ponyville vill be most right on your hooves!"
>She snuggles you a bit and lets go, seemingly happy with the turn of events
>"I'll be leaning now, zehre are places in need to remember their gift-"
>You hold onto her hoof, interrupting her
"Can you hold me again?"
>She gives you the brightest smile
>"As long as you want"
Lol, that's just emo shit. Read Rainmetall if you want an actual mature story. or an aneurysm
You may already know, but try ponepaste.org
Gotta ditch the sinking kike ship, Tripe 8.
>Read Rainmetall
I'll check it out anon, thanks
Maybe I'll give you my opinion on if after i read it
Uh-oh! shit! I-I was kidding, sorry anon.
It's oke anon, but ill check it out anyways
345014 345036
>>>/mlpol/345006 →
Goddammit! I am genuinely convinced that my story as an idea or concept is pretty darn good, it would be well received here, even. Given certain posts pointing out mistakes and otherwise dissatisfaction caused by other works.
But I suck so much ass in the technical department and my drawfag is way too busy to fully commit to the comic/manga project.
What do?
Post the ponepaste here and I'll look at it again.
The link that is.
Uh, haven't made any changes, if that's what you mean. cuz I need to be very specific with the artist. And don't worry, I'll fuck off to my own bread if I actually carry on with the comic

>Part 1

>Part 2

Password(only the second part): kaisereich117
No, post the link in the future or the thread. It would be nice to be able to cleanly follow up.
You don't need to worry. I'm not concerned about whether or not you made changes.
Oh, sounds great. Thanks anon.
345022 345023 345026
"They're coming from the east! I repeat! They're coming from the east!" The call repeated throughout the base.

A legion of soldiers fled like ants swarming an anthill over an uneven field. In the middle of the upheaval, some soldiers have the presence of mind to destroy bridges, artillery pieces, supplies, and everything that could possibly be useful to the enemy.

”Kaiser should've never trusted that monster!” a sergeant shouted out in despair.

A croaking roar reached the sergeant's ears. He whips around and with bloodshot eyes, he stares at his private.

”We gotta run...” he whispers before they set the whole room of crates on fire and they bolt out of there.

As if the Ursa Major himself slashed the sky with his paws, dark smoke trails striped the sky but it's actually caused by projectiles as they fly by overhead.

”HQ! HQ! Do you copy? We're twenty to one! They breach sector barracked at sector four-sigma. WE CAN'T HOLD THEM!” a female official shouted into a radio mic.

She almost shoves it into her mouth as her eyes dart focus on her surrounding. Behind her, the rest of her platoon apply medical aid to engineers and workers but only the ones the severely injured. The attack from the flies had taken them by surprise.

A few tears run down her face. ”Please... HQ... We have civilians...”

I could write it like this for you. It would help me figure out my own writing problems while helping you. Would you like me to write it like this? I kinda do but that might not help you in what you want help with, perhaps?
So.. I should have proofread. Grammar is off.
Actually, I'm gonna fix these grammar flaws now and send it again.
>I could write it like this for you. It would help me figure out my own writing problems while helping you. Would you like me to write it like this? I kinda do but that might not help you in what you want help with, perhaps?
Well, it's only two chapters, and it'll likely prove useful to me. So, go ahead fren, I like the idea.
345028 345039
"They're coming from the east! I repeat! They're coming from the east!" The call repeated throughout the base.

A legion of soldiers fled like ants swarming an anthill; they fled over an uneven field. In the middle of the upheaval, some soldiers had the presence of mind to destroy bridges, artillery pieces, supplies, and everything that could possibly be useful to the enemy.

”Kaiser should've never trusted that monster!” a sergeant shouted out in despair.

A croaking roar reached the sergeant's ears. He whipped around and with bloodshot eyes he stared at his private.

”We gotta run...” he whispered before they set the fuel soaked crates on fire and bolted out of there.

As if the Ursa Major himself slashed the sky with his paws, dark smoke trails striped the sky but they were actually caused by projectiles as they fly by overhead.

”HQ! HQ! Do you copy? We're twenty to one! They breach the barricade at sector four-sigma. WE CAN'T HOLD THEM!” a female official shouted into a radio mic.

She almost shoved it into her mouth as her eyes focused on her surrounding. Behind her, the rest of her platoon applied medical aid to engineers and workers but only the ones that were severely injured. The attack from the flies had taken them by surprise.

A few tears ran down her face. ”Please... HQ... We have civilians...”

It's funny, when I proofread, I get better results than when I send it through Grammarly. Not that it doesn't notice anything, it does, but this is way better this time.
Good, then I'll do so.
Then I notice more.
>...projectiles as they fly overhead...
345039 345045
Did you consider maybe you're focusing too much on the visuals, instead of thinking of it as a story?
I believe this would look pretty awesome in a comic, or animation but personally to start off with all this action going on and little explanation, and having it drag for so long kind of makes me lost as what is happening and why should i care.

Also i don't think using two "..." in the same paragraph is a good idea, the three points can be helpful sometimes but if you overuse them, it just feels like a cheap attempt at building suspense.

About you describing every single detail of the character, like this Sturmflügen on its first appearance...Is- Is it really that important that the reader knows exactly what the pone is wearing?
Look at how lovecraft (whom loved describing things) usually went about it, he usually described only key things and didn't bother describing other unimportant details.
First, i want you to see how he describes something important, the busdriver from The shadow over Innsmouth:
"When the driver came out of the store I looked at him more carefully and tried to determine the source of my evil impression. He was a thin, stoop-shouldered man not much under six feet tall, dressed in shabby blue civilian clothes and wearing a frayed grey golf cap. His age was perhaps thirty-five, but the odd, deep creases in the sides of his neck made him seem older when one did not study his dull, expressionless face. He had a narrow head, bulging, watery blue eyes that seemed never to wink, a flat nose, a receding forehead and chin, and singularly undeveloped ears. His long, thick lip and coarse-pored, greyish cheeks seemed almost beardless except for some sparse yellow hairs that straggled and curled in irregular patches; and in places the surface seemed queerly irregular, as if peeling from some cutaneous disease. His hands were large and heavily veined, and had a very unusual greyish-blue tinge. The fingers were strikingly short in proportion to the rest of the structure, and seemed to have a tendency to curl closely into the huge palm. As he walked toward the bus I observed his peculiarly shambling gait and saw that his feet were inordinately immense. The more I studied them the more I wondered how he could buy any shoes to fit them.
A certain greasiness about the fellow increased my dislike. He was evidently given to working or lounging around the fish docks, and carried with him much of their characteristic smell. Just what foreign blood was in him I could not even guess. His oddities certainly did not look Asiatic, Polynesian, Levantine, or negroid, yet I could see why the people found him alien. I myself would have thought of biological degeneration rather than alienage."

As you can see, he put a lot of emphasis on this man's look and his body language/how he handled himself, and not so much on his clothes.

But then, i did say he just ignored a few things, and he does indeed, look at how he describes Miss Anna Tilton, from the same novel, she is introduced as follows:
"The librarian gave me a note of introduction to the curator of the Society, a Miss Anna Tilton, who lived nearby, and after a brief explanation that ancient gentlewoman was kind enough to pilot me into the closed building, since the hour was not outrageously late."
Beep boop, done
Damn, that was fast, wasn't it? one second he's talking at the librarian and the next second he's already at the old lady's house asking for a tour around a certain place, no description at all apart from her name and her age, so we get a feel on how she might look.

I'd say i got a problem with the very opening of this, because it tells me almost nothing.
>"They're coming from the east! I repeat! They're coming from the east!"
You see, opening with this line, i really have no idea where i am, who is talking, who is coming, why should i care...
Reading that line does not make me curious about the book, in my case i can just imagine this is some sort of war and people are fighting, and to find out that is just the case is not very surprising either.

Since i got innsmouth open in the other tab, let me show you the first line from this book:
"During the winter of 1927–28 officials of the Federal government made a strange and secret investigation of certain conditions in the ancient Massachusetts seaport of Innsmouth."
Now, look at what this does: It sets up the date and season
The winter of 1927
It gives us a subject to focus on
28 officials of the Federal government
It tells us what they are doing
made a strange and secret investigation of certain conditions
It tells us where they are doing it
in the ancient Massachusetts seaport of Innsmouth.

Damn boy, that's a fucking lot of information being conveyed in just one line, ain't it?
Yes, but he didn't tell us why were the government officials conducting a secret investigation, this pokes the curiosity, and that's the point since in this book we follow the story of a character trying to find out exactly what is wrong with this "innsmouth" place he has heard about.

Now, let's put your story through the same filter:
""They're coming from the east! I repeat! They're coming from the east!""
"Soldiers were fleeing in their thousands across the uneven open terrain, as the enemy closes in, the soldiers destroy everything behind them as they retreat, bridges and artillery pieces were blown off while ammo and supply caches were set on fire."

Soldiers...A thousand? (??)
Across the uneven open terrain? (??)

-As the enemy closes in, blablabla

Can you see the problem here?
345042 345049
>Good, then I'll do so.
Btw, this is what I was getting at here. >>339900
>Did you consider maybe you're focusing too much on the visuals, instead of thinking of it as a story?
Hmm, am not so sure about this one. But you're right, I should've been a lot more concise about it. Some anons felt like the visual descriptions were lacking but that was later on.
>I believe this would look pretty awesome in a comic, or animation but personally to start off with all this action going on and little explanation, and having it drag for so long kind of makes me lost as what is happening and why should i care.
>Yes, but he didn't tell us why were the government officials conducting a secret investigation, this pokes the curiosity, and that's the point.
I did wanted to be vague about some stuff to fuel curiosity, but it seems like I've failed at that. Or the means I used weren't exactly the best for the task.
>on its first appearance
Yeah...it was probably too much in one go.
>Also i don't think using two "..." in the same paragraph is a good idea.
Oh, feel free to point that out, but I've been made aware about the three dot spam that chokes both chapters. I really hope I didn't just discourage you now.

Also, I really appreciate you taking the time to give it a read, as with anyone.
But I am particularly interested in your take, you being Spanish speaker and all; it'll probably make everything easier to grasp. Or worse, a good chunk of my grammatical fuck-ups are also fuck-ups in Spanish
>Some anons felt like the visual descriptions were lacking but that was later on.
I mean, it is your writing style and some authors have weird writing styles that, somehow, manage to work, but it's just that thing I pointed out: Reading this makes me feel like it's supposed to be /seen/ and not read.
It reminds me a lot about reading a movie script, they tend to be really descriptive of the explosions and actions, maybe even a DnD log.
When it comes to novels, I can't remember the last time I read something that focused so much in visual details and actions, like your opening and fight scenes.

>But I am particularly interested in your take, you being Spanish speaker and all; it'll probably make everything easier to grasp.
I really have no idea how that's supposed to help haha
I was planning on finishing it today but the lights went out, I'll resume reading it soon enough.
Man, the shadow over Innsmouth is my favorite Lovecraft story.
I like how the second part is written, maybe because it's closer to what i'm used to when it comes to prose.
Honestly, now that i understand a bit more of what is going on, i find it very interesting.
Worldbuilding-wise, this is a very interesting story, and i see you like to focus a lot on the political tensions between all the powers, that is also quite nice.

If anything, i still get the feeling this is written like a movie script, i'm not sure if that's good or bad yet because the way animated media works and novels work are usually quite different, but hey i managed to read it all and didn't have an aneurysm, so it should be fine.

If anything some parts are written in a weird way, i guess those are the main troubles it runs into, like the opening of the story, the way it shows you this huge battle first and then tells you what is happening...
You know, i actually have read -part- of a book that starts telling you something important without much explanation, and it was a good novel.
Let me show you how it starts, it's called Echo City:

"As it left the city, the thing did not once look back. It
walked with heavy steps, looked forward with rheumy eyes,
and its misted breath soon dispersed in the air. It did not
look back, because its purpose was ahead, and large though
this thing was, its brain was small and simple, its reason for
being very precise. It moved away from the world and out
into the Bonelands, and it would never return."

You can apply the same What, Who, When, Where, Why questions to this if you feel like it, but yeah that's the opening of the book.
No explanation, no nothing, we jump right into some "thing" leaving the city without looking back, you can see this leaves more questions than answers, but at the same time, the information we can get from this paragraph and the ones that follow is that this world is a very hostile place.
So, why is Echo City opening engaging? Because it hints at worldbuilding at every step, it leaves us with questions which it promises to answer and- despite it's lack of an exact description- it's quite visually rich, as the reader can clearly picture the bonelands in their mind, just by hearing the general descriptions the author gives and how the creature starts to crumble apart as it makes it's way through the bonelands.

It is fine to start something with an unrelated scene that's important to set the tone or hint at the worldbuilding, or explain something very important that we yet do not comprehend.
But doing so can be tricky, if done in the wrong way, you might just make the reader feel lost and if the reader feels lost or does not care about what is happening, he or she will most likely drop the piece before it gets to the important part.

It's also important not to drag a piece for way longer than it is welcomed, gosh some authors just love the sound of the keys typing and they end up writing a 160 pages novel on something that could very well be resolved in 80-100 pages. (Like some novel i read a few days ago, it was called The Collector, i have a lot of things to say about it but i wont)

I think you will do well nonny, i see a lot of potential in your story, i hope you keep practicing because i know you can write-up something very interesting.
Sorry for the late reply, it was a busy day I didn't expected.

>Honestly, now that i understand a bit more of what is going on, i find it very interesting.
>Worldbuilding-wise, this is a very interesting story, and i see you like to focus a lot on the political tensions between all the powers, that is also quite nice.
Thanks, is relieving to hear you had an easier time following the story. And am glad you were able to enjoy it to some degree.
>If anything, i still get the feeling this is written like a movie script, i'm not sure if that's good or bad yet because the way animated media works and novels work are usually quite different.
You are right, and this is no justification, but I honestly started writing this with the comic in mind.

>You know, i actually have read -part- of a book that starts telling you something important without much explanation, and it was a good novel.Let me show you how it starts, it's called Echo City...It is fine to start something with an unrelated scene that's important to set the tone or hint at the worldbuilding, or explain something very important that we yet do not comprehend.
>But doing so can be tricky, if done in the wrong way, you might just make the reader feel lost and if the reader feels lost or does not care about what is happening, he or she will most likely drop the piece before it gets to the important part.
Alright, this is honestly stellar. Thanks a lot anon, I'll come back to this post when I work on my re-write.
>It's also important not to drag a piece for way longer than it is welcomed.
Yeah, don't worry I'll rather be as brief as possible due to time constraints.
>I mean, it is your writing style and some authors have weird writing styles that, somehow, manage to work.
I think I was wrong there. The other anon did suggested a bit more detail but it does align more with this:
<"As you can see, he put a lot of emphasis on this man's look and his body language/how he handled himself, and not so much on his clothes."
As he did mentioned body language. So, in case you're lurkin' nearby, sorry anon.

>I really have no idea how that's supposed to help haha
Well, I dunno if it had something to do with it, but you've managed to follow the story a lot better than anyone else. not their fault
>I think you will do well nonny, i see a lot of potential in your story, i hope you keep practicing because i know you can write-up something very interesting.
Thanks mate, I really appreciate your time and effort reading and providing feedback. You were quick, clear, concise and provided more than pertinent examples along the way. I wish I could have given back an equal reply.
Thanks a lot again, all in all, am glad I made that joke.
Found something brilliantly written but it's not pony fanfiction


I didn't think I would read it all but the story sucked me in. Felt like time wasn't even passing as I read it. It even made me feel emotions! And it had some great scenes with characters I didn't even like in the original, they turned out better here.

Is this what good writing looks like? The descriptions of the world seem superb and the author has a great grasp of the characters. I'd call parts of it too edgy if the level of violence and darkness present wasn't typical for the story's inspiration or lesser in comparison. In however much of this you want to read, what is there to analyze?
I'll read it soon enough and tell you, but i must inquire, if it is good writing what you're striving for, why not read a real book to use as example, instead of fanfiction?
I have been reading real books, this fic was recommended to me by somebody else.
What easily understood evil shit can an invading SJW army from SJWland do to the hero's hometown and its people?

It has to be something understandable for general audiences new to politics, because in this piece of media I'm only taking politics as far as "SJWs are bad because liberalism doesn't work". No jew or WW2 stuff. Once people move to sites where they can talk about SJWs, they eventually watch videos about that stuff anyway, learning of the jewish origins of marxism and the marxist origins of SJWism.
Btw would it be accurate to say the core idea of Doom x Animal Crossing is better than the core idea of Fallout Equestria because it embraces the contrast instead of mixing it?

Where DxAC has fun with the contrast between cutesy animal cartoon friendliness and hyperviolent demon slaying fun, making Isabelle enjoy demon slaying as a vacation from work and putting doomguy on the island to enjoy peaceful activities or engage in peaceful activities hyperviolently, Fallout Equestria squanders what makes both distinct properties interesting by blending them into one miserable setting where the Mane Six's intellectual and moral failings allow Ziggers to ruin everything and create a boringly homogenous world of bleak edgelordery.

Everyone's favourite Doom and AC characters can have something to do in the crossover, but in FE the backstory of FE ruins and kills off its versions of the canon characters. If your favourite character in FIM is mortal and didn't die during Fallout Equestria, he or she probably died of old age over 200 years without magic/cryogenics getting involved.

And where Doom Eternal has fun shredding ontologically evil demons who deserve worse than anything any player or modder or writer can do to them, Fallout Equestria's edgy so it tries making ontologically evil monsters out of cutesy cartoon ponies. Even though Fallout already has monsters like RadScorpions and Deathclaws. Raiders(tm) and Slavers(tm) just run around raiding and slaving for no reason like MMO mobs until armed characters show up to kill them and effortlessly automatically establish a liberal democracy where Pure Evil aka any alternative to it (that's how the author sees politics) used to be.

Fluttershy shooting evil edgy ponies over ideology is tragic. Fluttershy putting down brain damaged Feral Ghouls is tragic(and a competent author would have focused on that tragedy when writing them instead of making their melee swipes detonate cars).

Some OC from a Fallout Vault/Stable born 200 years the world got nuked is completely divorced from FIM's setting even if the author says she had Moon Dancer as an ancestor alive 200 years ago. But Fluttershy shooting Doom Eternal demons is fun, like Isabelle shooting demons. But if a FIM x Doom story takes itself too seriously and gives the cartoon critters Battle Saddles and makes Doom's events into a bad future for FIM, that ruins the fun by eliminating what makes FIM unique, right?
345464 345465 345466
Watched Avatar (blue people film) with my girl recently.
Starting to think my current story would be more effective and far shorter and therefore better if there were no libtard enemies invading and ruining the fantasy world, and the story is instead an isekai coming of age story where a failed woman redoes life in a better traditional world and grows into a good woman free from the influences that corrupted her long ago.
No invading orcnigger barbarian army imported by child-eating goblins who need to be overthrown. No complicated politics. Just a good woman who wants to do good for the people who raised her right.
>Watched Avatar (blue people film) with my girl recently.
No you didn’t
>Blue people film

>pretending to have a girlfriend to impress anons on /mlpol/
Knew I shouldn't have brought her up. If you want to believe she's imaginary that's fine.
Is Mongrels any good or is it shit?
Braveheart seems like an effective propaganda film. Starts with the assertion that anyone who contradicts this version of events is trying to defend the English, who are portrayed as pure evil in this film to a historically inaccurate degree. Ends with the hero tortured and killed, because ending tales with a happy ending resolves the conflict and makes you feel like things are okay, but ending the story in tragedy makes you walk away wanting the wrong righted. Seems like that's how propaganda should be written... right? I'm still so new at all of this.

Showed my shit old Fallout Equestria fic to an apolitical writer friend, someone with no context for FIM, Fallout, Fallout Equestria, or modern politics. He hated the story, called its pacing glacial and its protagonist unbearably miserable. Hated the way I tried weaving technobabble into the story by making the hero a tech worker, he said I should have just shortened the technobabble and turned it into ads heard during a train ride before giving the hero a manual labour job where he's whipped down the mines, or some other cartoonish job that's immediately understandable as "slave labour" in the average viewer's mind. Also he hated how the hero doesn't get a "pet the dog" scene where he takes a tiny risk to do the right thing and succeeds. I thought making the hero unable to do the right thing under the sheeple regime was the point, but I always could have slipped in the hero helping some funeral attendees escape the slaughter.

He also hated that the heroes are competent and not incompetent, and he hated that the heroes are strong predatory animals controlled by a system ruled by herbivorous sheeple puppeteered by the rich, because he thought it would be better if the heroes were cute cuddly mammals and the villains were villainous "Nazi Eagle supermacists" who eat little kittens alive. "Or at the very least, villainous Lion monarchists who eat little kittens alive".

But changing that changes the story. The heroes are supposed to be people who would be great in a better system. Good-hearted geniuses and athletes denied opportunities gifted to the grass gobblers. Maybe adding more heroes to Team Hero would make that theme clearer. More people from all sorts of walks of life who could be great if not for the regime screwing them.

But I liked his "Give the hero a loved one, the villains take her away to be raped by the mad king of evil, the hero is forced to join the Resistance and violently overthrow the villains to save what he really cares about" suggestion. Even though I think giving the hero a personal motive to oppose the villains like revenge or saving a loved one detracts from any ideological or moral drive to change things. It makes me wonder if some fictional heroes would do the right thing if not forced to, when circumstances force the hero to do the right thing.

Perhaps the hero could have a cute little sister, a soft hearted sweetheart who wouldn't hurt a fly or lift a paw to defend herself, and the villains arrest her and put her in a gulag on bullshit charges(expressing sympathy for her own people?) so the hero has to save her from the rapist in charge by freeing all political dissidents present, who reunite with the Resistance and fight the tyranny of sheep. Perhaps the pedo in charge of the gulag could be the corrupt tyrannical evil Queen President's son.
<83 days an countin. Ah tried appealin to the folks on the radio, but all Ah get is static. Are all these ponies I hear over the comms just recordings?
Seriously, I think Ive been exceedingly patient thus far. And its not like Im asking for a review of War and Peace, this could take minutes,....
346256 346461
I suppose, that if I say I'll try to get to this today, you won't believe me? Well, that's how it will go down, if it's going down. Wanted to show that I'm not ignoring you though.

>I'm still so new at all of this.
I don't think so. I think, you should have more confidence in yourself. You do have a good understanding of storytelling, you just have problems filtering yourself (aka pacing, red-thread).
You're right, I should be more confident.
Something makes this tricky...
Media out there demonizes us good guys, but if media wants to demonize the bad guys it just has to tell the truth about them. And there is not much of that. Sometimes media tells the truth about the enemy accidentally in an attempt to lie about reality, even if it's in the form of apolitically lying about reality through a fantasy story. Sometimes hook nosed greedy goblins run the banks and the author thinks nothing of it until the jew cries about it. The enemy wildly bludgeons us with simplistic lies until they stick in the heads of retards. But trying to explain the ways the enemy hurts us in a way the audience can understand is tricky.
Furthermore, it's one thing to write about a character born into a world full of tragedy and oppression. But how can I put the appeal of escapist fantasy into these stories, and make these stories less overwhelmingly miserable? Giving the hero the means to fight back and win, toppling dictators with the power of holy magical laserbeams and AR-15s? That's a fantasy, not a fantasy story.

But the "Other world" or Isekai genre, where a human is sent to a fantasy world to live there or save it or try to return home... It's inherently escapist. Whether the guy sent in is a generic bland everyman blank slate or a detailed character with opinions and worldviews shaped by facts and past experiences, no guides to writing a fantasy world spell out how to fill your story with truth. The real truth, which the jews censor. And when magic is inherently a lie, how can you work it into a story to make it a fantasy story?

Can i still depict trannies as a bunch of mentally ill clowns who glue wings to their arms and leap off buildings because groomers told them this will turn them into real birds, if the story starts with a deity of fantasy land teleporting a human named Tim into fantasy land as a bird man? How can a book say "fantasies won't let you fly" when the book itself is a fantasy? How can your work be Christian when it relies on unchristian bullshit to happen in the first place? Can a female protagonist be the ideal tomboy gf while rejecting feminist propaganda and "muh strong wamen" bullshit, or does the fact that she's actively shaping her destiny and shooting orcish niggers instead of staying home baking pies for her chad husband while he's out shooting niggers make her less than the ideal trad submissive wife? Are Isekai protagonists technically illegal immigrants?

There are plenty of guides on shoehorning bullshit wokism into your story, making it artificially diverse-looking yet entirely black and white in its morality despite all the moral-relativist pretension. Guides on depicting whites as cowardly weak irrational hateful morons for not loving diversity. Guides on keeping your work in line with current SocJus propaganda. Guides on "understanding and accurately depicting" things the average calartsfag has never interacted with except the guides are full of propaganda and misinformation and demonization. Guides on making your villains morally reprehensible and unappealing to the audience, just in case you're afraid of idiot readers fantasizing about joining team rocket and having fun instead of taking away what you want them to take away from the story(the villains are bad). A site I used to use as a valuable source for writing advice long ago went full retard years ago and has been on a downward spiral since, recently it posted this idiocy https://springhole.net/other/story-of-a-former-conservative-conspiracy-believer.htm and I'll never understand why so many smug libtard midwits feel the need to make up tragic origin stories for themselves where they used to be Christian. Am I expected to believe they failed to meet a single Christian growing up who was not what Jewish Hollywood says Christians are? Am I expected to believe they all had the exact same upbringing? They all grew up in a very Christian place supposedly before moving to some woke shithole, getting lovebombed and gaslit and shamed and patterned and dogtrained and demoralized and groomed until they see the world and even themselves and their own past through a distorted ideological lens, but they never have anything to say about islamic terrorism or the levels of violence because they're so busy obsessing over inane Dollself Sanskin Sherlocksexual Genderqueer faggotry they can't see any evidence that the white christians were right all along.
Seems trying to put the totality of modern politics into a story overwhelms the story.
Could something further removed from earth, like medieval fantasy countries at war using swords and wizards, be fertile ground for a series of stories embodying one redpill each?
It's not an issue of setting, it's an issue of trying to say too many complicated things at once within the same story. Even if you're dealing with large macro problems, a single protagonist isn't going to be directly affected by all of it. Try focusing on how these macro problems affect your character's life directly, instead of focusing on the macro problems themselves. What direct problems is this character facing and how do those problems relate to the issues affecting the world at large?

Your character also needs a goal. The goal needs to make sense for his situation and be attainable. "Saving the entire world from child-raping Hebrew bankers while also waking up the normies and restructuring the world economy" is probably not an attainable goal for anyone, so maybe focus on something smaller and more tailored to his situation. Maybe he's trying to pay off his house after falling victim to some predatory lending scam. Maybe his daughter is being brainwashed into a drug-addicted thot by rapacious Muslims and he's trying to win her back. Maybe both of those things are going on simultaneously and he's dealing with both.

You can have multiple goals/problems for a protagonist if you want, the key is that they need to relate to him specifically and be things that he could reasonably deal with. In your specific case, I'd actually advise against giving your character multiple goals, and would say that you should just focus on a short, simple story about a character trying to solve a single problem, since you have a tendency to get pulled off the rails when your ideas become too complex. The main idea though is to not get bogged down in the complexity of the world's problems on a macro-scale; you want to focus on your character's situation and on what affects him directly, and tailor the character's goals and problems to fit that situation.
How's this?
>be sad guy protagonist neet
>be working in dead end entry level job with shit female bosses and co workers
>struggle to afford rent even with 3 male roommates
>each is some flavour of cucked beta male with unproductive obsessions
>one's watching tv show that foreshadows problem
>phone is called
>his sister had a child and doesnt want to take care of it plus the father was killed by isislamic explosion on the subway
>protagonist must take care of a child now
>the men put away childish things and learn the joy of being fathers/uncles
>protagonist's sister is awful until she gives up "muh strong independent actress waitress" bullshit and goes home to be a mother
>neighbour makes an incest joke and protagonist's roommates call the neighbour an unfunny faggot, protagonist is shocked as he is not used to men sticking up for him
>many chapters intended to make the audience love this adorable child later, muslims try to kidnap the kid for an occult jewish ritual so the hero murders them and gets his kid back
>at first he goes in thinking he can sneak in undetected and get out undetected but when spotted it's kill or be killed so it's technically not premeditated murder I guess
>and they all lived happily ever after
>except the dead jew muslims
Not bad. I think the father getting exploded by terrorists is a bit much, and the kidnapping/spy infiltration angle feels a little out of left field. Also, "Jew Muslim" is a bit of an oxymoron. Other than that though, not a bad idea; I could see this working as a story.
Thanks, thought the birth father had to die to justify the neet hero being promoted to parent. Guess the birth father could be a deadbeat who flees, but muslims doing it sets them up as evil for later. Could do a scene where a girl the dead father was important to cries "muh poor muslims, muh islamophobia, what if this makes people dislike them" while his warm flesh chunks are still being picked out of her hair and other peoples hair. And the hero thinks "wow, they're still the center of your universe even now".
Still not sure about the ending... I want something involving necessary and righteous physical violence against pedophiles to save a kidnapped baby in mortal peril. A climax the audience should cheer for.
Could always give the neet hero a friend to do the violence for him. Or the heroic men could do it together. Perhaps a small army could form as everyone whose life hero neet touched and improved wants to help.
But it would still fundamentally be a story about several men raising a child and eventually saving it. Not much universal appeal.

How could modern politics work in a generic fantasy setting? They're more universally appealing. But part of the appeal seems to be how it's so divorced from reality. Wise good kings rule fairly and never cause famines or suffering due to corrupt advisors, magic items provide power only the worthy can wield, some people shoot fireballs from their hands yet they'll only turn evil if demons seduce them into it, interventionist gods exist, dragons are rideable, monster girls are fuckable, evil wizards make skeleton armies because they're cunts who want the world dead, and fantasy swords work better than normal ones. Where's the room for realist morals like "fuck libtards" or "six gorillion was a mathematical impossibility" or "race is more important than noble families and thrones and crowns"?
>write bland vanilla protagonist with more intetesting friend
>rewrite more interesting character to be the lead
>find myself writing the new protag as a blander vanilla character on the grounds that "the lead hero can't think something that controversial or do something if he's not 100% morally in the right, or he might turn away readers"
Is this a common thing for new writers?
>I say I'll try to get to this today
How bizarre that I was so confident that it would happened and then it didn't.
Oh, well any day now. I'm sure.
Not sure how many people here are familiar with Chatoyance's "ID - That Indestructible Something" but I have to ask...

Would the story actually improve if it was changed to revolve around Gregoria's character growth and an inverse of what Kafka's Metamorphosis seems to be?

The way it is now, the story's weird.
Gregoria's a loser jobless human girl who mooches off her cunt parents and abandoned a friend in need for being "too clingy" after her lover died, but she turns into a FIM pony one day, except most humans can't notice she's a MLPFIM pony.
The friend she abandoned helps her, and they start to wonder if Equestria's real and why this horse transformation happened.
Gregoria realizes she used to be a shit friend.
Malus Crown is a rich Apple-obsessed human digging up and looking at Kafka's corpse for some reason.
Many words later Malus turns out to be Steve Jobs and he's gathering all sorts of transformed animal people together because he's just sooo nice, also reality's a simulation and the deaths of some "Code Holders" can rewrite its past, present, and future spontaneously. Gregoria's friend's lover was a military guy and Code Holder and his death triggered pony transformations and made Gregoria's friend into Celestia.
Half of a secret govt organization wanted to prove this to the other, the other half is convinced reality's real and nonhumans need to be exploited evilly. The new Celestia got killed repeatedly by the govt villains to try and "prove" this world's a simulation or something, this mindbreaks her.
Oh and some character we weren't properly introduced to sacrificed himself to save people. Can't have Gregoria make that sacrifice to prove how she's grown as a person during this story.
In the end Gregoria and many others get to live with Steve Jobs in another country, having left America. Gregoria seemingly learned nothing and gets to mooch off another man, just as she once mooched off her parents. Sure she's a nicer friend but the story seems like it became a missed opportunity the second the author got distracted by the concept of reality being a simulation the deaths of important people can retcon.

Kafka's Metamorphosis is about a guy others relied on suddenly turning into a cockroach, forcing him to rely on those who once relied on him and hate him now. Losing the magic angle and saying the guy relied on got disabled after a drunk driver injured him wouldn't radically transform the story's events. If the true point of the story is "Cockroaches only love you if they can rely on you, and hate you if you're lowered to their level" this story about an awful human turning into a better pony was in a unique position to reject that idea and counterargue that just as negative transformations can ruin the lives of good people, beneficial transformation can turn bad humans into better people and help them bring out the best in those around them. It really seemed like Gregoria's story was going to be about this pony growing and helping others and turning her life around for the better(maybe even becoming her own boss, finding work in a field ponies are better at than humans, helping the friend who lost her lover get over this, proving to her parents she really does have value, and eventually rejecting the evil Malus Crown's offer. He could say to give up her free will and ability to help others, offering to take her his mansion to be looked after like a pet in his indoor home zoo next to his Puppy Room, but she would prove she has learned the value of self-sufficiency and ponyness by saying no, and then he might fuck off miserably or a chase sequence or fight might ensue, maybe the typical "hidden animal buddy roadtrip on the run from the law" cliches could ensue) before everything started revolving around Malus and conspiracies and setting up the Not-Matrix-Verse, ideas so inherently huge and dehumanizing individual characters seem pointless in the grand scheme of things.

At any point in Gregoria's life, and at any point after she perishes, any Code Holder's death could retcon the reality lived by the ones and zeroes in the Not Matrix's artificial reality. Nobody's real in this setting to themselves or each other and nothing interesting and philosophical is done with these big ideas every character seems eager to forget about. Anything anyone could accomplish today could be undone tomorrow, retconned out of reality thanks to the death of some random Star Trek-obsessed NEET causing a buffer overflow that replaces much of reality with Wookiepedia's garbage data about Glup Shitto.

This story could have included philosophical pondering about whether artificial reality matters even if no true reality is confirmed to exist or not exist outside it. Or dropped the concept entirely and focused on people embodying big ideas. I think a story that says "Pony makes you better" would have worked better than this ejaculation of random matrixesque troll physics headcanons meant to set up a "Shared fanfiction universe" so broad and open-ended literally any story in this setting could be written outside it without any changes because all that makes a story part of this "shared universe" is that it takes place in this story's specific definition of simulated reality. Writing in more interesting universes will give you characters and worlds full of history and worldbuilding, but this "shared universe" could contain anything and be anything at any moment, which means it's effectively nothing.
Relax Sven, Im only picking on you because Im not going to do any damage. I do appreciate and anticipate your reception, but Im also running low on cheeky ways to non-disruptively(?) beg for input.
>pic related
What kind of beta cuck are you? EVERYWHERE I PISS is the bathroom
Having said
>I dont know if anyobe relates, but heres 3 pages about a niche thing I just gotta blog about
Never change, anon
Knew I should have TLDRd.
TLDR story starts focusing on Gregoria the pony only to get distracted by a squirrel in the form of a dumb idea.
Would story be improved if it focused entirely on Gregoria and doing something interesting with Kafka's Metamorphosis like writing a counterargument to it in story form, or would that just make it different and no inherently better or worse than what ID Indestructible Dsomething ended up being?

On an unrelated note it pisses me off that it's ID Indestructible Something instead of ID Indestructible Destiny. DmC: Devil May Cry was a stupid title but it would be stupider if it was DMC: Devils Die Alone. That doesn't fit the acronym at all.
Also the Mongrels story seems to be written well after all.
There's a bit where (huge spoiler) Louis fights an evil dogman and uses fake shit to win. Fake idiocy where he pretends his plan begins and ends at charging head first like a retard when it was really to detatch his fake horns and ram his fake foot down the mutt's throat. The moment where the dog's surprised the other horn is also fake was stupid but acceptable. Louis even pisses the dog off by revealing he was raised to be livestock, shocking the dog who thought he and his organization members were the only people alive with tragic pasts or something, and he would know this if his organization wasn't full of cringe nihilist suicidal edgefags. The dog almost wins anyway despite all that trickery, crawling like a dying mad animal, but he sees himself reflected in Louis's fuckhuge eyes and that breaks him, which was foreshadowed earlier. A lazy writer would probably make Louis a generic invincible quipping bang shooty guy with one liners. But that wouldn't be true to the character. Louis is not invincible and this author knows how to make that work.
writing books be like.jpg
>when you want to write books without degeneracy and books where your ideology wins and purges degeneracy from degenerate worlds but envisioning a world without gravity would be easier than envisioning a world without the degeneracy you saw from day one
what do?
>what do?
1- Gravity doesn't exist
2- A world without degeneracy is totally possible, if the toll is paid
3- Begin preparations for to purge this realm.
So I read it. It stopped when it got intresting if you want my opinion. Otherwise, I neither loved it nor disliked it. It was hard to read through.
This is my honest take, however, make note that this is also a subjective take and nothing more.
I like your mc though.
>It stopped when it got interesting
Apologies, I was sparing myself of continuing the narration until someone expressed an interest in it.
My biggest concern is with prose/narration, and my concern is how it comes across to the audience. Like, there are alot of little mentions both in the prelude and during the scene which are nods/references to prior events that might need more illustration, bu also for which 'this' instance is not the appropriate time, in story.
Does not knowing the reference hurt the marration? Like, are they the sort of reference that piques curiosity of what Im referencing, or is it more the aort of reference that makes you wanna punch me for being less comprehensive?
Thank you but that's not what I meant. I need to see more depictions of degeneracy-free worlds if I'm ever going to write one well enough to get the audience attached to it. Can you recommend media with any good depictions of places without authoritarian jewish libtard dictators or degeneracy?
My local church is pozzed libtardism without any real christians present, so they're no help.
> I need to see more depictions of degeneracy-free worlds if I'm ever going to write one well
So, you need more so you can copy them?
I wouldn't copy them directly, I'd take inspiration from them.
>Be Fair Star.
>Dressed in your pink and fluffy bathrobe you saunter downstairs.
>At the dining table you see a young stallion eating a sandwich with apple slices on it.
>His coat is silver and his spikey blonde mane obscures his face as he hunches over something on the table.
"Watch you reading, cousin?" you call over to him.
>He jerks and looks up.
>You finally see the open book on the table, confirming your suspicions.
>He looks at you with a hint of annoyance.
>He almost seems to hesitate in showing you the book but then push it towards you.
>As you get closer, you recognice it instantly.
"Ooh, my book. Wanna learn blinkers' art? You don't need to read a book for that. I can teach you, you know?" you say as you walk over to the fridge.
>You take out a bottle of orange juice and start drinking.
>"Well, I'm not sure if I'm gonna commit to it yet but I thought I might try to incorporate into my Appleloosa bar brawl style." the stallion says.
>You start to laugh mid-drink and have to struggle as not to spill any as you choke on it.
>You manage after some unladylike coughs and shallowing to avert a spilling crisis.
"Wait, heh heh. You're gonna... You bar fight, Silver?"
>Silver didn't seem amused.
>"It's a martial arts style. It has bar in it's name because it was developed from bar fights. It's like most earth pony martial arts, with a lot of hindleg bucks, but mixes in some more front hoof kicks." He seemed to relax. "But if you don't know that, it does sounds a bit stranger doesn't it? But it's an actual martial art."
>During the time Silver had held a speech and explained the nature of earth pony martial arts, you had managed to unpack your breakfast on the opposite side of the table.
>You have your bottle of juice, your bowl of salad, and knäckebröd (which is good for your digestion).
>"Once, I and my lil' bro Braebrun along with other pony cowboys to fend of cattle rustlers. I've been thinking of incorporating with teleportation before I saw even heard of unicorns' blinkers' arts..."
>Fair Star gave Silver warm smile something she knew he would miss.
>She went back to eating her breakfast again.
>While she ate, she was only listening with one ear Silver continued his monologue.
>Ever since her cousin had moved in to live with you and well your dad, his uncle, in Canterlot you had started to get to know him more.
>You'd never meet up until that point.
>Silver's mother, Fallen Star, had broken off with the family years ago and had started a family with an earth pony farmer in Appleloosa.
>Dad had said that your aunt hated magic but you always got the gut feeling he wasn't telling you everything.
>Anyway, you didn't know the details, but Silver had somehow gotten in contact with dad and asked to stay here while studying magic in Canterlot.
>So these days, you ended up spending a lot of time with the cousin you had always known about but never meet.
>And you had noticed that when he felt strongly for something he would get very passionately into it.
>You smiled to yourself as Silver started to compare martial arts style between pegasi, unicorns, and earth ponies.
>You started bleping at him; no reaction.
>His clearly not even talking to you anymore.
>You shake your head but decide that least he gets it out of his system as you starts to answer his sentences with, "Mm-uhmm," between crunching on some salad's leaves.
>Be Silver Apple but Fair and Nav, your uncle, only seem to regard you as a star more than an apple.
>Guess that's to be expect, that's how your related afterall but there's just something about their tenacity on calling reminding you of being star that feels like they are trying to say something more with it.
>Not sure what though, it's clear that both of them are very proud of being unicorns, their noble status, and their family legacy but what they're trying to tell you is a bit lost on you.
>Not sure if they are trying to welcome your or insult you.
>You lean towards the former because both of them seem like nice ponies.
So he takes the hint when it comes to them using his other last name but not when it comes to Fair Star not really listening? Yeah, seems like an inconsistency to me as well.
While I'mbeing meta, I'd just say that this a short-story where I intend to write off some ideas I had with Nigel's oc Silver Star. After all the time in the past we spent talking about him, it's only natural that I been thinking on what to do with a character like him so here's sort of my take on him and on the lore. Call it a fanfanfic if you will.