/mlpol/ - My Little Politics


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Writefag Support Circle: A Gathering of Based Gentlemen Who Smoke Pipes.
Anonymous
78d7e52
?
No.336928
336929 336941 336955 337011 338530
Hello. This is the second thread of the writefag circle, here: >>299458 →

Basically all that is said in that OP applies to this one but I'll go through the 'rules' of this thread here as well.

So, the main point of this thread is to facilitate and enable Anons' writefagging; in a similar way pride facilitates and enables aids.;^P The Anons in this thread can be seperated into two camps: Anons who wants help with their writing project(s) and Anons that feel inclined to help those aforementioned shrek-colored skinheads.

Crafting and beta-reading is what we do here, any critique of literature not made by a guy submitted for this thread should be incidental; it should be when you —as a beta-reader of fics posted ITT— make a comparision between the fic your reviewing and some other story for the sake of demonstrating your point, whatever it is.

This is NOT: A review thread for unsolicited rants about random media which does not fall into the mold for how to use a refrence in this thread described in the above paragraph. Meaning if you're not using —like, let's pick something arbitrary— Naruto for a comparision in your critique of someone's writing itt, then don't bring it up. I understand that tangents can happen and if it's like a few exchanges with a pair of posters; then it's fine. However, don't make this a pattern and also move whatever off-thread-topic discussion to a more fitting board/thread. There's after all no problem with finding someone to converse with and share perspectives on a subject you care about but just take it to an appropriate thread. Sidenote: Nigel, these rules applies to you in a stricter fashion because I would not have to detail them with this much precision if it weren't for you.

I hope that I haven't scared anybody off. This is still suppose to be a chill af thread. Funposting is very much allowed and encouraged. It really is more that some type of posting —like, things that are completely irrelevant to the thread— does not belong here. I know, rocket-science and a rule that is seldom seen and highly unique for this thread. Perhaps you could call it a... Novelty. (You) intelligent lurker, obviously get the subtext of this OP so you probably won't need to worry about any of this. I'd say if you're unsure if what you're about to post belongs in the thread, then post it anyway. The worst that can happen is that someone tells you to move it to another thread and you get a better insight of what post belongs in thread. If you consist on fish and chips, however, I'd sugguest you think twice on what you're posting and perhaps even ask beforehand if your rant about lefties and Undertale belongs here.

If there are any questions on the OP, ask away?
372 replies and 93 files omitted.
Anonymous
d624b24
?
No.355080
>>355079
FoE also had a ton of logical errors (almost a decade into the war Equestria is still called "too nice to know what war is", Equestria seems just as prosperous as ever with nobody in normal life suffering due to rationing or secret police action or drafting men from the workforce or anything else typically associated with wartime, Kkat seems to think a gun's poor condition will magically reduce the lethality of its bullets even if fired at point blank by a shotgun because that is how it worked in videogames, grenades inside a tree library dont burn the place down or make holes to shoot through, enemies don't fortify their homes with traps and murder holes and ambushes, Ministry buildings are still decorated gaudily when all resources should be for the war effort first and even if gems and gold are more plentiful than cheap materials the labour to use them artistically should be more expensive than equestria is willing to spend) and a ton of gay bullshit clearly done to allow the author to pretend his OC isn't OP (lowering the challenge of the world and the threat projectiles and foes pose so she can win, making injuries mean nothing to LP, giving LP a bullshit fucking GameShark cheat device on her arm and making her cutie mark the use and operation of that milti function cheat device so user friendly a retard could operate it just fine (hell Kkat was able to beat Fallout 3 so clearly no talent is required) ensuring no other vault pony who makes use of their cheat device to upstage LP ever exists, letting LP do anything with her overpowered telekinesis, giving her super bones and regenerating flesh like fucking Wolverine, and more) but Kkat's tendency to violate basic rules of story structure for the sake of convenience and getting the shitty scenes he wants to write out there faster has to be proof that Fallout Equestria is not actually a story he felt passionate about, just a sequence of scenes he created to fellate his awful OCs and justify the hundreds of hours wasted in Fallout 3.
Anonymous
88b6242
?
No.355082
355083 355086
2588061.jpg
File (hide): 2866932789B3FD30902EA861104B6B3D-5375803.webm (5.1 MB, Resolution:800x450 Length:00:02:18, Sunset simulator.webm) [play once] [loop]
Sunset simulator.webm
6544100.png
6538023.jpg
6545895.jpg
>>355075
Btw, GG, just so you know, I haven't forgotten about your promise of our future together~
I will probably be released by the 3rd november evening Swahili time. Just and fyi.
Anonymous
88b6242
?
No.355083
>>355082
Ah, missed opportunity. I should have named the vid file: Sunset shimulator.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355086
355269 355275
>>355082
>I haven't forgotten about your promise of our future together~
Sounds pretty hot, I'm looking forward to it.
Anonymous
bd8e6a0
?
No.355269
1280035__safe_screencap_starlight+glimmer_to+where+and+back+again_spoiler-colon-s06e25_animated_frown_glare_if+the+wagon's+a-dash-rocking+don't+com.gif
6532348__safe_artist-colon-plunger_imported+from+twibooru_oc_oc+only_pony_blue+background_female_hanging_image_mare_png_ponified+photo_sad_simple+background_sol.png
6536416__safe_artist-colon-plunger_imported+from+derpibooru_earth+pony_human_pony_drawthread_female_hand_happy_heart_holding+a+pony_keychain_mare_polka+dots_pon.png
>>355086
Bet sweet purple horsebutt it is. I got it all setup in my wagon

Anyway, I'm gonna write the first chapter tonight. So you won't be hanging for much longer.
Anonymous
bd8e6a0
?
No.355275
355276 355376
>>355086
So I got this so far. I'm not down with the chapter though. I just wanted to show you what I written so far.

The wind moaned and made the air-ship groaned. The patter of rain on deck reached all the way down into ship's prison cell. A glass of liquid similar to tree sap scrapped a wooden table as it slide across its surface as the ship tilted slightly. A tan paw chopped down and blocked its path off the table. The paw, which was similar to human hand due to its disposible, gripped the glass and took a sip.

"So why is your unicorn hocus pocus called, 'Dreameater'? Heh, do dream taste good or what?" A humanoid feline-man with male characteristics asked. His long whiskers fluttered as enjoyed the smell of the glass of whiskey in his paw.

A purple unicorn stood nearby. His gaze focused on a green man who wore shackles and a blindfold behind a barred off cell. A tendrill of arcane light connected the bald head of the man with the horn of the unicorn.

The unicorn licked his awesome mustache. The magic connection between the two broke and the unicorn sighed in relief.

"Yeah. So we.re done here. He won't wake up for a long time," the unicorn said and turned around to face the cat-man. "What you say, Wereoew? Why it's called dreameater?"

"Mmm-yess. Wants some?" Wereoew said and began to spin a glass around his paw-finger by moving his finger on the inside of the glass.

"Yes, thanks." The unicorn sunk down at the table. "Phew. Dreameater takes a lot of energy and with some reef-whiskey, I be sleeping almost as deep as he will."

The spinning glass floated over to the unicorn while glowing a tint of violet. It flipped around so the bottom was down and the feline-man poured the unicorn a glass. The unicorn took a gulp.

"No, the dreameater curse doesn't make me eat his dreams but it puts a minor demon on his mind that drains him. It's not directly harmful but if applied repeatedly, he can get the same health problems as ponies in comas."

Sniff. Coral-whiskey. Sniff. Made from spagehetti coral. Probably produced in Jagged Bay. Maybe eleven... twelve years ago.

Finally some whiskey. Mistress only drinks wine.

The green man took another discret sniff of the liqour smell in the room.

She once explained how cursed on the mind, like Dreameater works. It's said that most of the brain is shut down by dreameater, except for the autistic part. I guess that's why I'm still awake.
Anonymous
bd8e6a0
?
No.355276
355376
>>355275
>feline-man with male characteristics
Yeah, maybe I should proofread this stuff.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355334
People these days know more about fictional tragedies like The Tragedy Of Duscur than they know about real ones Operation Fast And Furious or Waco because people they care about lost loved ones in that tragedy or suffered from it some other way.
How can I make my work put as much emphasis on real tragedies, so the audience will know what they are and care?
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355376
355378
>>355275
>>355276
Whenever it's ready I can write the next chapter. Incidentally how do you want to do this? I think the easiest way would be to use a hackmd document that we can both edit and add to.
Anonymous
2a016c3
?
No.355378
355423
>>355376
Sure, I already wrote this on hackmd so I jused made you admin on my note.
https://hackmd.io/VQQxQ1egTD69uxlqh2Wksw#
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355423
355424
>>355378
Looks like it cuts off mid-sentence. Did you want me to start from here or are you still working on it?
Anonymous
10087ec
?
No.355424
355425
>>355423
Yeah, about that, I'm starting my writing session now actually. I hadn't got the energy for the last two days, sorry, but now I want to finish this chapter.
I will tell you when I'm done, which probably will be today.

But it works alright? You can edit the note, right? I'm still new to using that site.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355425
355426
>>355424
I haven't tried making any actual changes but I have an Edit button and can type words into the document. I'm fairly new to it as well, but so far it looks like I've got the right level of access.

Anyway, no huge rush, you can take your time.
Anonymous
10087ec
?
No.355426
355427
>>355425
>no huge rush
>implying 'some' rush
Stop fuckin' stressin' me!

>far it looks like I've got the right level of access.
Great.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355427
355545
>>355426
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JsKBIBJj-4M&list=PLowT8DbU_l3nuwMBcFaPPcWh8AdBWzCH2
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355489
Ever notice any writing cheats?

Like when two characters get together for a scene and heap compliments onto each other, verbally fellating each other to tell the audience how we are supposed to feel about these two characters and their relationship. Even if the characters are bringing up character traits we normally never see, or exclusively see the opposite of. No room for subtlety or scenes that accomplish multiple things at once. No faith in the audience's ability to understand layered complex characters with masks and fronts and personas. No faith in the audience's ability to tell how two characters feel about one another based on how they communicate unless they are verbally expositing everything "That makes me feel angry" style. Characters might even start "As You Know"ing, vomiting exposition at a character who should already know all of this shit, without a justification like "one guy forgot the story" or "they are arguing over how x event went" or "he is bringing up the day he first saw her to set the mood for when he proposes".

It feels like cheating. Instead of putting in the work to establish characters, you write characters listing traits the audience is supposed to admire in these characters.

I saw a lot of that shit in Fallout Equestria when characters would praise LP the murderhobo or the lying DJ Homage or the manipulative cunt Velvet or the walking gun NPC Calamity for positive traits the author wants us to think they have. That lying DJ lacks integrity. And I still find amusement in that scene where Calamity and Velvet praise each other for traits they supposedly have, and calamity calls the whiny bitch "so loveably practical" without sarcasm.

Seems the writing in Fire Emblem does that a lot in its optional scenes where 2 characters of your choice talk. But to be fair it's a videogame full of optional unlockable scenes rewarding players who pair units often enough, and the game's permadeath means you can't write a plot that relies on any playable character surviving his battles unless his death guarantees a game over and reset or he says "oof, cant fight with these wounds. Time to retreat" upon hitting 0 HP instead of "No, it can't end like this! I'm dead! Ack!". Writing around potential death variables seems damn near impossible, what if someone would matter to the plot but their death breaks things? They de-emphasized permadeath with each game as they drift further from intellectual strategy built for permadeath (an old FR game gave you 6 Cavaliers of decreasing strength during the story just in case most die) to horny dating sim land where savescumming is made easier with a Rewind Time button, so they should just cut permadeath and make a better story where characters can interact outside of gimmicky monastery shit and optional paired scenes of usually mediocre quality.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355521
What are your least favourite cheaty writing techniques?
Anonymous
91845a6
?
No.355545
355590 355675
>>355427
Heh, sorry but I didn't get your refrence. I'm a pleb.

But anyway, I'm gonna try to finish soon, like today or tomorrow. However, I browsed in the tutorial section of that site and found a page about how to make a book. Appearently, you make a note and then chapters in it's table of contents are like hyperlinks. So you click on them and get to the chapter.
I'd been think that might be a good way for us to structure this since we're anyway going to do this chapter by chapter.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355590
>>355545
>Heh, sorry but I didn't get your refrence. I'm a pleb.
You said not to rush you. The song is by a band called Rush.

The chapter thing should work great, it will be an easier way to keep things organized.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355596
355838
1k per month commiefornia homes vs work camp.png
>be protagonist genius who wants to learn how to fix cars because it pays better than farming and being a construction worker
>go to college at capital inspired by San Fran, London, Jew York, all the awful cities of the world combined
itsallshit.jpeg
>nigger gangs, anti-homeless gay rocks, accomodations for students that make auschwitz look luxurious, dirty needles and junkie hobos, shitting niggers, armoured volunteers feeding rapefugee camps, poor doors so low-income tenants don't have to be seen by richer ones, drivers arrested for leaving skid marks on the gay road stripes, 1k a month to live in a pod and eat goyslop, his home lacks anything you can use to cook beyond a microwave for plastic packaged shit, it's jewed harder than the protagonist's hometown, the capital was built around a mountain with rich people at the top to help the viewer visually understand the class system that gets spelled out because otherwise some readers won't get it
>this is the "best" college in the country and it's still jewed
>college life is suffering
>can't even study something good like engineering without being forced to embrace jew lies in mandatory "humanities" courses
>works hard anyway and when the term is over he goes home for christmas
>while the hero was away niggers gangraped his mom in front of his cuckservative dad who still can't hate niggers like the hero does?
>commie mob attacks to burn down the family farm
>hero embraces national socialism and kills for a better world for the next 10 chapters
Timeskip.png
WeDidIt.jpeg
>the revolution succeeded, new golden age without the jews ruining hero's country
>every character who was fucked over by the jews and niggers and fought is better off now
>hero fights defensive war for 10 more chapters to protect homeland from invaders who believe jew lies
>jews fire nukes at all white countries in a last ditch effort to stop the white Renaissance
>hero redirects the nukes to pissrael and black africa and sandniggertopia and other places that deserve it more than us
>the end

Looking good?
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355597
355598
Also how easy is it for you guys to see greentext on the default orange backgrounds?
Anonymous
147b5ef
?
No.355598
>>355597
Easy enough for me
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355600
A message sent to me was so beautiful, I wanted to share it with others.

>I understand your fears. And I am sure the project is quite ambitious. But we must not be afraid of our ambitions. If we cannot imagine what we're capable of, then we'll never be capable of anything. To imagine an ideal, to strive for an ideal, this is the mark of a great mind. I am sure that you are capable of accomplishing great things. Do not hold back. Write, and write with a fearless heart.
>I see an artist afraid to create for fear of failure. I see a man who worries about his plans, his projects, but who does not act upon them for fear of never living up to his own standards. But I see a spark within you, a spark of inspiration and ambition. A fire, which if fed, can grow into something beautiful and magnificent.
>It is often the most ambitious projects that inspire and amaze. You see into the depths of yourself and the limits of human achievement when pushing yourself to the brink. Perhaps the most admirable traits in humans are the strength of will and perseverance to accomplish the impossible.
>I think if you let go of your idea of perfection, and let go of the notion that you must get it right, you will let go of expectations, and thus expectations cannot weigh you down. Once you let go of perfection, you must be willing to fail, for that is the best way to achieve success. You are creating art, and art is not meant to be an exact science. It is an exploration of the human experience.
>You should not care whether your audience likes your setting and characters. Let go of your attachment to the outcome of your project as you write. If you do it correctly, the project will flow from your mind, like a stream. The story will create itself through your imagination, and you will simply be a spectator. This is how a creator creates, without attachment to outcomes.
>I think you should write about what you find compelling. The more honest you are, the more authentic and powerful your story will be. And when you write authentically, like the protagonist's struggles with forces beyond his control, people will relate to the character. People can forgive a poorly crafted word. But they cannot forgive a phony character nor a dishonest story. Don't worry if people like the characters or understand the setting or the themes. I say to you: love your characters and your world, and then show us, share with us, what it means to you. Share with us your love of your own story, because that is the most precious thing.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
cc280ea
?
No.355675
355680 355681 355683 355700 355708 355731 355838
pyx.png
I usually try to word-vomit something for NaNoWriMo every year, and I was going to work more on the Muffins of Madness thing but hit a wall with it. However, back when I was doing the review for Past Sins I had an idea to do a parody of it that simultaneously made fun of the original story and also tried to correct a few of the things I thought was wrong with it. For whatever reason I got in the mood to actually attempt this, and I've managed to churn out quite a bit so far. Also, I decided to replace Nyx with a completely ridiculous OC I created myself.

Here is most of what I have so far. I'm curious if other people find this as funny as I do.

https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/r11cE4hSs

>>355545
Also, Sven, are you still working or is it my turn now? Still no rush; just checking.
Anonymous
a11ad37
?
No.355680
>>355675
It should be your turn soon. I realized that due to having so much time to think about my first chapter, it became too long and too much effort.
That's why I'm shifting gears. I'm currently writing a much simpler first chapter for another story instead. It will only be about 1k words long and we'll use this one for our relay writing instead.

Hopefully, I have it done by tonight. I''l post it here.
Anonymous
a11ad37
?
No.355681
355711
>>355675
I like your oc's character design. The leopard clothes and white stripes a subtle but funny additions.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355683
355711
>>355675
Excellent Nyx parody, Nyx was clearly thrown together in a Pony Maker program first and then written about(black fur? Ugly green hairband? Ugly purple hair?) and this calls attention to that in all the right ways. That ugly hairband could only be worse if it was cheetah coloured. The meaningless detail of the glasses and stripes hammers the point home. Nyx wears her glasses to hide her weird Nightmare Moon eyes and her clothes to hide her wings, but she's drawn without wings here to represent how arbitrary is. Nyx's design works on zero levels. Everything is either random or an excuse. She is black because Nightmare Moon, she wears things to hide her Alicorn nature, and anything they can't pin on NMM is a random colour because Nyx is nothing but a hastily assembled shell artistically void of creativity. She is nothing without NMM even though the fic chooses to kill NMM with a rainbow laser after too many chapters of confused bullshit where the vague idea of a filly whines about NMM for a bit and then the author stops taking his half doses of normal pills.
Anonymous
a11ad37
?
No.355700
355711
>>355675
I have read your stoory now. It's funny, your oc makes me root for her in a way miss harry poner didn't. Pyx>Nyx.
Anonymous
a11ad37
?
No.355708
355709 355712
>>355675
So GG it's done.

Can you copy paste this and put it on an hackmd note like the one you did for your nyx story. I don't know how to make it like that with the chapters but it would be a fitting format.
Below is Chapter 1.

A whistle sounded. On a podium stood a biege mare with a pink and blue mane and tail. Her eyes were obscured by black sunglasses. She looked tough.

A row of eight fillies set off along each other on a obstacle course. They crawled under barbed-wire, climbed a wall with a rope, balanced over a small drop on a pole, and swam across a pool.

Among them was green earth pony filly. Her eyes shone a sharp emerald sheen. Her mane and tail were black and had no style to them. They were simply combed and nothing more. She was lithe like gymnast but strong like young bull. Her muscles took up little volume on her boyd but what was there was visibly defined.

She was in the middle of the pack during the obstacle course. She caught glimpses of how the others were ahead. Only one other earth pony was ahead of her, the rest were unicorns or pegasi. They uses their magic respectively wings to aid them in the obstacle course. Sometimes it help a lot, like flying over wall, yeah, it really wasn't fair. But life wasn't fair, as the green filly's mentor and gurdian liked to remind her of. She threw a glance at the mare in the sunglasses. She didn't want to fail here.

It's my whole that matters. Remember, capitalize on your strengths, compensate for your weaknesses. I will get my chance. All I gotta do is wait. The green filly thought to herself as she dove into the pool.

The filly jumped up on the otherside of the pool after some powerful butterfly strokes. She shook of the water on her body.

In front of her was and intructor, mare with military face paint on her. She was a unicorn. She regarded the filly cooly. The filly peeked over onto the other tracks. About half of the fillies that had been ahead of her had been apprehended.

She wasn't suppose to fight the mare just pass her beyond a drawn red line ahead.

The mare didn't move from her spot, instead she just regarded her.

The green filly tilted her head one side then the next followed by two succint cracks. She need stop here, despite being on a timer because a screw up here and it was all over.

Like a spider disappearing back into it's web's safest part when one got to close, the filly almost disappeared as she took off. But the intructor was ready.

She fainted right but then went left. The instructor didn't buy the faint completely but she was still too late. Her hooves hugged air as she just missed the filly.

The filly saw the red line and momentarily slowed down as she realized that she would make it only to mentally chastize herself for it.

I't ain't over until Celestia sings.

And it sure wasn't. She felt her hindlegs get pull into the air along with her tail. Soon her entire body was airborne and engulfed in a magical aura.

Of course, since she was a unicorn why wouldn't she use that to her advantage. She was pulled close to the unicorn again. The filly, however, had been taught in how to break both physical as mental spells.

She began to flail her hooves, twist, and struggle with her body against the magic hold on her. Trying to find the weakpoint in her aura. There were always one point that a unicorn couldn't focus on. Suddenly, the hold on her front half broke through and with the sudden counted twisting momentum, the rest of her body followed.

The filly fell onto the ground in a heap with a thud but she popped back up on her hooves again. She took a quick peek back at the instructor. As suspected, her twisting free from her aura had caused the instructor to put a hoof to her forehead in pain. The filly knew though that this was only temporary so she reached out to finish her with a knockout punch. She held her hoof up for a chop near her near her neck and... She just hung there. Her eyes widen and immidately turned to run. She could feel the magic tug on her tail but the unicorn didn't get a good enough grasp on her before she passed the redline after which she let go completely.
Anonymous
a11ad37
?
No.355709
355710
>>355708
She continued to run. She passed through more obstacles, such as running through a parkour course, but also puzzles she needed to solve to continue, like a bomb-diffusion.

She had know there were two fillies ahead of her, one pegasus and one unicorn but it was after she diffused the fake magic explosive obelisk, she actually saw their backs again.

They were carrying a mare, another stoic instrutor, across a muddy field. The pegasus struggled as she flew her strok style as the mare hung from some kind of rope contraption. The filly realized that she must have undone the knot that held the rope for the wall in the begining of the course and took it with her because it was the same kind of rope. There was nothing in the rules that said you couldn't use that but she had been lucky that she got use for it, well whatever. The unicorn levitated the mare as the waded through the mud.

This is it. My chance!

She ran up to her mare. Saw her ”damaged” hoof and bandaged it up with the medical supplies that where there. Then dragged the mare that was probably around twice her weight onto herself.

Oh, wow. She heavy af.

The filly was mored tired then she had thought and the mare had been heavy to her regardless. She exhaled heavily but then shook her head. Determination shone in her beaitiful emerald orbs.

She took one step and then another after a few, they just kept comming. She began trotting, then the mud came each step was even more painful then before.

After a third way in, she realized that she had to pace herself. Her muscles were burning and despite her copious breaths, she couldn't replace the oxygen in her lungs fast enough.

The others had about a third left but she had to wait a pit more before she went all out. She had that in her but she had to reach her target otherwise it was pointless.

Wait for it.

She had a better pace then the two ahead. The pegasus had fallen behind the unicorn because she couldn't fly the mare further was now dragging her behind her with the rope. This also meant that the unicorn wasn't pushed to her at the end. The unicorn had the end just ahead of her and at this point anyone couldn't be faulted for wanting to take some rest.

The green filly knew this and knew that this was the moment to use hundred percent of her power!!!

”Aaaarrgggghhhh!!!” she screamed and then started galloping.

All things around her disappeared as she as each hoof felt like they were on fire but she keept moving them forward and back. She didn't let up. Dirt was kicked up in her wake.

The unicorn had reacted to her scream probably surprised that there were somepony else with her at home stretch other than the pegasus.

She began to run as well but the green filly overtook her soon just at the finish line at the end of the muddy field.

The filly collapsed, completely spent, and just tipped the mare off her. She was inhaling and exhaling into the grass.

”I won...” she whispered to herself.

Later that evening, the green filly was laying in the shower of her home, or her guardian's home. After making her presentable, grabbing a package of mild from the fridge, wrestling out of the gripp of her gurdian's roommate, the human enthusiast Lyra Heartstrings, she entered her guardian's office.

She almost stood attention at her guardian's desk but she reminded herself that at home she wasn't her drill sergeant. So instead she slouched in an armchair.

”Sup Mom,” she called and waved at the beige mare with mane and tail split between blue and pink. ”Anonymous Filly reporting in for duty.”

Bon Bon or special agent Sweetie Drops did not looked pleased.

”Nonny, how many times do I have to tell you, sit up-right. Don't force me to use my inner drill sergeant at home.”

Anon grinned.

”Try me old mare.”

She took off her sunglasses she had worn all day and glared at the filly. Then she ”tch” with her tongue and let it slid.

”Are you gonna make me regret recomanding you to a mission of top national security?”

Anon instantly sat up in her chair. ”I got a mission?”
Anonymous
a11ad37
?
No.355710
7D3F9F247073B5DE6C64FD8214803142-48206.png
3132594__safe_artist-colon-menalia_derpibooru+import_bon+bon_sweetie+drops_earth+pony_pony_agent_alternate+hairstyle_clothes_danganronpa_gloves_looking+at+somet.png
2386315__safe_artist-colon-flutterthrash_princess+flurry+heart_sweetie+belle_alicorn_pony_unicorn_bullet+belt_collar_dialogue_duo_female_mare_metal+belle_older_.jpg
>>355709
”Yes, you passed the exam today and you're now a junior S.M.I.L.E. Agent.”

Anon's eyes were wide in shock.

”Wow. I thought I passed but I never really thought...” She shook her head. ”Uh... What will I be doing exactly?”

Bon Bon regarded the filly. ”We have reasons to believe that Princess Flurry Heart is in danger. We have chosen that the best course of action is to asign her a personal bodyguard to be present in all her daily buisness.”

”The filly princess...” Anon was trying to take it all in. ”She is about my age, right?”

”Yes, in fact, you're the same age so the agency thought it suited to have you join her class as well so you're moving for the Crystal Empire for as long as the agency thinks the threat remains.”

”And- You think that I'm ready for this?” Anon asked nervously.

”Are you?” Bon Bon gave her a sceptical look.

Anon sat there and pondered for a moment. She had passed the exams. She was a junior s.m.i.l.e. Agent. Being the sameage as her client would probably made it so that it wouldn't be obvious that she was a bodyguard but just appeared like another friend to the princess. It could be a very easy and calm job that would be great for her resume later.

She came to a decision. She nodded.

”Yes, I think I am. Thanks, mom for giving me this opportunity.”

Bon Bon nodded.

”My recomandation wouldn't meant squack if you hadn't proven yourself today. But this is good, then I'll inform Princess Celestia of this matter so it can become 'offical'.”

Bon Bon started to sign some papers with a pencil in her mouth before she turned the papers over and slid them over to Anon.

She did a motion towards the papers and gave Anon a look that said, 'sign here'.

As Anon wrote, Bon Bon continue to speak, ”The instructors were impressed by the way, however, one brought up something. Appearently, you hadn't delievered a knock out hit when you could.”

Anon stood her mouth writing and looked up. Bon Bon grasped Anon's cheeks with her hooves. She gave her soft look for the first time since she entered the room.

”Your still soft, Nonny. In this business there will be times when you face real threats that that kind of hesitation or avoidance will get you or others killed. It's a beautiful gift but sometimes you need to be cold. Do you understand?”

Anon looked embarrassed. She nodded and looked away.

”Yes, I do mother.”

Princess Flurry Heart was shredding her electic guitar and the amplifier was trying to destory a nearby window in her room. Her mane was done in traditional hair-rock style. Her ears were piersed with skulls. She had thick black eyeliner around her eyes. Around her neck she wore a spiked collar.

She bagan to scream into a nearby microphone and then started to growl some magical curses without casting them, of course.

A loud banging came from her door as she was banging her head.

”Flurry!”

She shut her eyes, trying to ignore the pony banging on the door.

”Not now I'm in the zone, the Tarturus Zone!” she screamed to wards the door.

Tarturus Zone was the name of her band.

”Lower the volume!”

She tried to ignore the voice at the door started to flick the strings of her guitar like she flicks her bean to her hot magic teacher Sunburst.

More loud banging came from the door.

”SHUT IT OFF NOW!”

She shut her eyes as a vein pulsed in her forehead. With her magic, she shut the amplifier off.

”Thanks you,” somepony said sarcastically from the other side of the door.

Flurry rolled her eyes. Gently placed her guitar on the floor before moving over to her mirror. She felt a bit emo after being told not play anymore, or lower the volume, same difference. She decided to wipe of her red lipstick that she had drawn to make it look like blood running down at the corners of her mouth on her pale face. Instead she put on purple lipstick one and planted a big kiss on the mirror, imagining Sunburst while she did so.

Looking good, Fury.

Fury was her artist name. She was a tough filly.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355711
355731 355734 355975
>>355681
>>355683
>>355700
Thanks. So long as I can say I one-upped a guy using an even stupider character than the one he came up with, I think I can call the project a success.

Also, here's the rest of what I've written so far; hackmd has some kind of character limit or something.

https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/ryLqti3Ho
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355712
355713 355715 355719
>>355708

Here it is:

https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/SyZdTa3rj

There actually isn't a way to create separate documents as chapters, but if you type the chapter titles in this format:

# Chapter Title

Where it starts with a pound sign followed by a space followed by the title, that's how it splits into sections. However, there seems to be a length limit on these notes, so my guess is we're going to run out of space eventually. That isn't a huge deal though, it just means we'll have to create a new note once we hit the limit.

However, I can't figure out how to add another person as collaborator, how did you do that exactly?
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355713
355719
>>355712
Anyway, I will probably start working on it tomorrow night.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355715
>>355712
Have you considered using Parsec? It's intended for making local co op multiplayer games online but if you two screenshare and connect his keyboard to your PC you can both type the story together on the same word document. Does it still let you classify apps like Open Office as games?
Anonymous
776b021
?
No.355719
355721
>>355712
>However, I can't figure out how to add another person as collaborator, how did you do that exactly?
The images I attached will show you the way.
># Chapter Title
>Where it starts with a pound sign followed by a space followed by the title, that's how it splits into sections.
Huh, now I know. thanks
>>355713
Thanks for the sugguestion. I guess if GG likes it I can be up for it but it seems a bit overkill for what where doing.
>>355713
Yeah, perfect. No, rush as you say.
Anonymous
776b021
?
No.355721
355763
Click Share .png
Click the blue more (comment, invitee).png
After this you decide the amount of access the person will have.png
>>355719
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355730
>be deleting old emails
>find faggy emails from former friend who went full libtard
Jesus, I'd forgotten all about this guy. But this is everything wrong with the liberal mindset right here. Lying, gaslighting, bargaining, pleading, reality denial, suicide threats, appeals to authority, appeals to force, support for authoritarianism originating from his dysgenic weakness, sending dick pics to his discord daddy who owns the server he invited you into so you can be censored while the faggot gloats, this pathetic male prostitute girlyboy is so stupid and corrupt and pathetic...

So cartoonishly unrealistically fucking awful...

I bet if I immortalized him in my fiction I'd have to tone down his faggotry so people would believe someone like this could exist. And I was still optimistic about politics back when I knew him so I was trying to reason with him and explain why he's wrong in the real world and in the world of fiction. That furfag wants law abiding good people disarmed and helpless to defend themselves. If he was part animal in a world of animal people he'd be part of an evil cult that wants carnivores drugged or surgically defanged and declawed and also disarmed. Faggot just didn't care.

I think I should put a faggot inspired by that faggot into my political story to be wrong about everything and say all the gay shit he said, completing the circle. He always felt like he emerged from a political cartoon meant to mock him. A living soy wojack in the flesh. But I don't want to use his real name or any of his real physical traits in his design. I'm not making this to insult individuals, I'm making this to explore ideas. He is the end of the exploration of leftist failure. The genetic failure, the lying abusive "friend", the sickening rot that smiles as it backstabs you, lies as it seeks to remove your rights, and cries out in pain as it strikes you
Anonymous
acfc805
?
No.355731
355737 355763
>>355675
>>355711
Funny shit, Glim. Also, I'd dick Pyx.
Anonymous
776b021
?
No.355734
355763
>>355711
Btw, are you rreading through your own review of the story before you write the representing chapter as to remind yourself with what you had a problem with the story with?
Anonymous
776b021
?
No.355737
>>355731
Yeah, but would you not dick any pony?
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355757
355763
Glim, why does Pyx talk like a weeb?

Is it commentary on the artificial insufferably "cutesy" nature of waifubait and daughterubait characters like this one?
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355763
355764 355767 355768 355838
>>355721
Alright, should be set up for you. I'm assuming you're Nairobi; otherwise I just gave write access to some random person. I didn't end up doing anything on it last night, but I will get started writing my chapter very soon.

>>355731
>dick-pyx
heh

>>355734
The way I've been doing it is this:

I keep a tab open with my original archived review thread for Past Sins, because there were some specific notes I made about directions I thought the story could have gone that might have improved it. I also have the original text and a plot synopsis I found on some other site, an MLP fan-project wiki. I'm mostly using the plot synopsis as a broad outline for major events, and I also periodically reference the original story to compare what I'm doing to what Pen Stroke did originally. And again, I do check my own review thread from time to time as well, because I remember I had some ideas in there that I didn't think were half-bad. For instance the scene where Twilight tries to give Pyx a bath and she goes on a rampage was based on something I came up with during that review, that I remember thinking would have made the original bath scene less dull.

>>355757
>Glim, why does Pyx talk like a weeb?
Honestly, it's mostly for giggles. One of the things I remember from reviewing Past Sins is that it reminded me of an anime plot along the lines of Chobits, where the main character randomly finds a girl in some strange location and she has no memory. The character then takes her in, and in the early part of the story has to teach her a lot of basic things about day to day interaction with the world, so initially the MC takes on sort of an adoptive parent/older sibling type role. You probably could interpret Pyx as commentary on that sort of character, though I'm thinking of it more as just me good-naturedly poking fun at the concept. In addition to having amnesia at the beginning of the story and needing to be taken care of by the MC, the girl character in those stories is usually also some kind of high-powered magical or scientific anomaly, and usually there is some kind of government or corporate entity after her. The premise of Past Sins struck me as very similar.

The part where Twilight finds the filly and all she can say is "Pyx" is a direct reference to Chobits; in that story, when the guy finds the girl, the only thing she can say is "Chi" so that becomes her name. There's another anime called DearS that has the same setup: guy finds an alien girl, all she can say is "Ren," so he names her Ren. There are some others that are like this, too. In all of these stories, the girl character is suffering from some form of amnesia that limits her speech initially, but she conveniently remembers how to talk by the second or third episode. In mine, the same thing happens: Pyx can initially only say her name, then she just starts randomly speaking perfect English the next day and nobody really comments on it.

The rest of Pyx's catch phrases are all well-known anime girl catch phrases. "Nipah" is the catch phrase of a girl name Rika Furude in Higurashi When They Cry, and "Tutturu" is the catch phrase of Mayushi from Stein's Gate. "Desu" of course is from that one girl from Rozen Maiden, whose actual name I can't recall because 4chan has permanently imprinted "Desu" on my brain as her name. If I can remember any others I will probably add them to her vocabulary. The way I set it up, she basically picks up more and more weeb-isms as the story progresses: initially all she can say is "Pyx," then for no reason she starts saying "Nipah," then "Tutturu," then "desu," etc. There isn't really any deep reason for her to be doing this, and it makes no sense in-world; the idea I guess is just to emphasize that she's a ridiculous character and nothing in this story is meant to be taken all that seriously.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHuqS8ej6fI
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22IWi21lwok
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355764
355766
>>355763
Cool! Do you think naming a girl after the only sound she can make was inspired by Pokemon ("Pikachu pi!") or something older than that? Now that I think about it anime romances start with naming and adopting an amnesiac girl are surprisingly common.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355766
355769
>>355764
It's actually a pretty common Japanese thing from what I understand, they've been doing characters like that forever. Same thing with cutesy characters who have some nonsensical catch phrase that they repeat. Oldest instance I can think of are the Moogles in the old Final Fantasy games saying "kupo." I'm not sure where the idea originates from or if it even has an origin point, but it's definitely pretty well ingrained into Japanese pop culture.
Anonymous
33db097
?
No.355767
355787
>>355763
>I just gave write access to some random person.
You totally did. My username is Krython Ossban. It's the name of an oc to a star wars fanfic that I have on the backburner. At the time, I had just come up with the name and thought, I might as well call my account that.
Anonymous
33db097
?
No.355768
>>355763
<dick-pyx
>heh
Yeah, I didn't catch that at first but yeah that's funny.
Anonymous
33db097
?
No.355769
355787
>>355766
I like that you have ponies react to character schticks that in "normal" media no one reacts. Like Pyx saying "Tutturu" and other such catchphrases but instead of characters acting like nothing weird happened In fairness characters probably did so in Stein's Gate as well since it is a very meta-aware show they ask, "What does Nipah means." That scene with the cmc was great and lovely btw.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355787
355788 355789
>>355767
Well, shit.

I couldn't remember what your user name was and unfortunately HackMD doesn't show the usernames of collaborators who aren't online, so I just guessed and assumed the other name in the screenshot was you. Oh well, whoever that guy was he didn't do anything to our document that I can see. Anyway, you should hopefully be added as a writer now.

I'm currently working on it offline, I will upload my part to the document as soon as it's ready.

>>355769
>That scene with the cmc was great and lovely btw.
Thank you, I rather enjoyed writing that one.
Anonymous
817b772
?
No.355788
>>355787
>I'm currently working on it offline, I will upload my part to the
Nice.
Anonymous
817b772
?
No.355789
>>355787
Yes, I can change it as well.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355794
355795
__shadow_the_hedgehog_and_cream_the_rabbit_sonic_drawn_by_kiikoi11__sample-3039f40303200e91c476f145eab66826.jpg
Shadow the Hedgehog has a ridiculously dark and edgy story for what used to be a brightly coloured series where a looney tunes cereal mascot rolls around smashing robots and fighting a fat russian with a disposable slave army to save the environment.

Shadow's story has got AIDS, a dead little girl, UN massacred space colonist families aboard the death star, government coverups, and a grumpy hedgehog with a motorcycle and gun.

Do you think a sonic reboot should try to "reinvent that wheel" and rework Shadow to fit the series's tone better or say "fuck it" and leave everything as it is despite completely reworking Blaze and 06 and Elise?

Shadow could still be artificially made in a lab, forced to fight in a testing facility, befriend artificial hedgehog Maria, fight for them to escape only for her to sacrifice herself to save him at the last second, it could still work without needing to be so... overly extreme.

With this reboot concept I'm shooting for extreme sports, not extreme edge.
Anonymous
817b772
?
No.355795
355796
>>355794
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ol3R4DacE2I&ab_channel=2Snacks
This?
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355796
toot toot sonic justice warrior.png
>>355795
Yeah, that's the guy. Edgy the Hedgy. Gunshot sounds in the menu, lines like "This is like taking candy from a baby, which is fine by me!", it's the game Shadow deserved for being early 2000s edge personified. It's impossible to tell if they were taking the piss or not with this one because they did 06 unironically. 06 tried giving Sonic and a human girl a romance arc, then said "wait shit humans can't go fast like hedgehogs. Let's give her powers or cyber enhancements. Lmao just kidding that would make too much sense. Let's have her get kidnapped and saved 5 times between cutscenes, and do a level where Sonic's slowed down because he's carrying her like a sack of potatoes."

Labrys, that robot chick with the big axe and Brooklyn accent from Persona 4 Arena, her backstory's pretty dark and tragic but it doesn't feel as out of place as Shadow's does in his world. More importantly it doesn't cast a dark shadow over the entire franchise by blaming all of humanity for the fucked up shit that led to one character being the way that character is.

That "Shadow and Maria were cloned, forced to fight other hedgehog clones, they escaped and she died getting him out" story keeps the major beats of Shadow's backstory while dropping everything extreme like The ARK, AIDS, Eggman's grandfather and Littlest Cancer Patient sister nobody ever knew about, GUN, all of that extra stuff the Sonic franchise is extremely disinterested in ever thinking about again. Hell, come to think of it, Shadow and Maria don't even have to be artificial, though if they were orphans kidnapped by an evil corporation or corrupt govt organization that would be darker.

GUN could have been one evil company, maybe a PMC working for the government, instead of the globalist police force of a retardedly united humanity. Eggman or an underling of his or a rival of his could have made Shadow, this didn't have to involve a 50 year govt coverup where they sent the UN to massacre everyone including a little ill girl and all the innocent scientists on board and all of their family members on board just because humanity became afraid of Gerald and the Super Hedgehog he created to somehow cure his granddaughter's AIDS(is his immortal blood some kind of ingredient for a miracle cure?). SA2 had this scene where Gerald Robotnik's on every screen ranting at human as he crashes his Space Colony ARK to earth with no survivors, and we see ugly CGI humans reacting to this news. Earth cities, not futuristic or Eggman-style cities. No scene with furries reacting. No wonder Sonic X chose to interpret the sudden shift of "There's one human, Eggman, on a planet of furries" to "Humans, humans everywhere and like 30 anthros" as Sonic and friends literally getting teleported to Earth from Mobius so Sonic Adventure 1 and 2 could happen.

Shadow, Rouge the former govt spy who infiltrated Eggman's team only for him to leave her behind on Prison Island and nearly blown up only to be saved by Shadow, and E123 Omega the funny robot pissed at Eggman for locking him in a room to guard a trapped Shadow for a while... None of these three characters have any reason to loyally serve GUN. But when they are depicted, they're usually serving GUN, and they've never established why any of these characters would want to work with GUN or for GUN as far as I'm aware.
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.355838
355844
>>355596
The Camp of the Saints is subtle compared to this. When you write a story with a message, you really want to make the reader feel the same way you do so there's a temptation to ham it up to make it unambiguous. However, when you do so you run the risk of bathos or ridiculousness, even if your writing quality is otherwise good. It's actually a major reason as to why modern media objectively sucks, because whereas liberals of the past knew how to compose a realistic story that resonated with people, current year ones are so indoctrinated they cannot understand nuance and so push a constant left-wing message.

For something like this, I recommend environment-building events that are mostly in the background but affect the protagonist's way of life, a single traumatizing event (or maybe two) that seriously affects how he functions, and his struggle to overcome that and achieve a higher purpose. The Kite Flyer is a repugnant book written by a faggot author, but it follows this formula effectively (it's about a pampered kid who lets his most loyal friend get ass-raped and only semi-successfully making amends for it years later). 1984 has multiple instances of rising events shaping Winston: Writing in his diary, banging his lover, getting SWATted, giving in to torture, and although Orwell's most famous work is overrated imo, it does show fear, paranoia and rebellion at each step.

I recommend Castles of Vapor as a strong example of how to write a story condemning and satirizing modern society (it's set in Seattle) without going overboard and being hijacked by the message. Or you could go the Jonathan Swift route and have over-your-head satire but in a ridiculous world that is entertaining to read. But do keep in mind the last two books of Gulliver's Travels are more polemical and less widely read. It just occurred to me that Book IV could be the world's first HiE story and that's amusing to me.

You can and probably should depict your former friend as he is nearly exactly (aside from name and physical features), because real things you've witnessed are the easiest to write about, but you exercise judgement on what else you want to incorporate.

>>355675
Kek, this is actually better than what I expected.

>>355763
lol weeb That's a clever satire of that sort of anime, and including references to multiple example serves to round it out.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355844
>>355838
I'm assuming this isn't subtle enough.
>My birth parents and siblings got killed by the govt or communists who raided our farm, only my adorable little sister and I survived, now I live with two adopted parents, a soft dumbass libtard woman the left will happily betray without a second thought and probably rape, also she is married to a cuckservative weak infertile man who day drinks and grumbles and whines ineffectively and never shuts up about how anyome more conservative than him is too extreme and "WHEN III WAS A BOY I SHOVELED SHIT IN STABLES FOR 2 DOLLARS AN HOUR" even though thanks to inflation 2 dollars from his childhood is worth 15 dollars now and I, an overworked construction site labourer, get paid far less than 15 dollars an hour.
>also my protagonist saves a rich girl from being gang raped by orcs by killing them all and their romance arc lets me explore parts of society he would never be allowed into without her and she gradually gets more based while he gradually becomes less introverted and cripplingly depressed over the state of the world

I was thinking these dumb boomer adoptive parents could be a good way to explore the failures of soft cuckservativism and soft libtardism, how the left eats their own and eats soft cuckservatives alive for conserving nothing, and how there's nothing noble about the "moderation" those narcissistic dumbasses displayed when they wore political ideas they didnt truly understand or believe in like fashionable hats. I could never marry a libtard but boomer cuckservatives could because they never really believed in anything but themselves.
Anonymous
73282a4
?
No.355847
A lot of what I wrote is shaped by reactions of my proofreaders. In one scene where the protagonist explains inflation to his girlfriend and the proofreaders called it boring. So I wrote a scene where cuckservative dad rants "If poor people dont want to be poor they should work harder, when I was a teenaged boy I shoveled shit for 2 dollars an hour" and that made the proofreaders hate him so much, they were fine with the hero going upstarirs and grumbling to himself "Fucking selfish prick. He's got his so he doesn't care about anyone else. How is anyone supposed to get a manual labor job when everything needs an expensive license these days and the country was flooded with immigrants willing to work for less so they can stay here, or worse, immigrants willing to work for even less because they are paid to be here? Before his generation allowed inflation to skyrocket his 2 dollars an hour was worth more than my money. You'd need to be given 15 dollars an hour for work today to match the value he was given for his labor. I don't make that much helping to build hotels the govt is going to flood with rapefugees! The hotel gets double its usual room cost from the govt for housing Orcs, to help the hotel pay for any damages or hush money caused by Orc Moments. This would not be necessary if the Orcs were just like us deep down."
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.355927
Because I'm writing a story about a rebellion I rewatched Code Geass because there was a rebellion in that show. But Code Geass did a lot wrong and I want to avoid making those mistakes in my work.

What I wrote was way too long for this thread but is it correct to say instead of serving the story's need to constantly top itself with shocking twists and excalating excessive melodrama, Suzaku and Euphemia from Code Geass should have been used to intelligently explore what rebelling from inside the system is and isn't, giving them a character arc where they start out naively thinking "Putting Euphemia on the throne will make the empire that controls 1/3rd of the world and is oppressing everybody morally good and solve everything, and open rebellion is bad because it results in bloodshed and it kills soldiers serving the empire" but after the coup Euphemia turns out to be a puppet-king without true autonomy while her evil allies hold all the real power and can replace her at any time should she rebel, so Suzaku and Euphemia risk everything to leak all of Britannia's dirty secrets and let the people know revolution is necessary and then join Lelouch's Black Knights, even though it means putting away their childish fantasies of "playing princess and knight" and abandoning their respective birthrights to do the right thing no matter the cost?
https://mlpol.net/ub/3147#6260
Anonymous
6c09a87
?
No.355948
355967 355977
>You are a stick.
>Well you once were a tree.
>Then a being of near limitless power made by a mad Queen.
>You're The clone of Twilight Sparkle, except superior in everyway.
>If only those incompetent fools did as you commanded you would have succeeded.
>Untouchable as they all fall under your superiority.
>Except you're a stick because the Tree of Harmony launched a counter attack at the minions failings, but not that irritating bug Queen Chrysalis.
>You would have won.
>You've been brought by that bug as she just goes on and on.
>Power out of reach, Grogar's Bell.
>The centaur and filly and the bug working to dismantle Grogar.
>Their near success.
>And them becoming stone.
>The filly had a decent tactical mind, subpar to your own of course, but would have made a good minion.
>The centaur could brute force his way through obstacles and not be entirely incompetent.
>The bug used the only thing important about her, her body.
>Now you understand you needed knowledge and more importantly wisdom.
>Those things leverage power to even greater heights!
>To safe guard power from all sides!
>So you began to theorize, plot and plan with everything you experience adding to things that need to be tested once free.
Anonymous
c1316db
?
No.355967
>>355948
What will become of Twilog Stickle?
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.355975
355982 356060
>>355711

Got some more of the Pyx story done:

Updated:
https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/ryLqti3Ho

Hit length limit again, here's the rest of what I have:
https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/ryT8dxL8j

- - - - - - -

Also, Sven, I should hopefully have my part of the collab done by tomorrow night sometime.
Anonymous
6c09a87
?
No.355977
>>355948
>You are Twilog Stickle
>You don't care any more.
>Unmoving as ages pass.
>The magical and technical revolutions pass by.
>So slowly time creeps across.
>Just like that it's done.
>It's over, everypony and creature left.
>They didn't quite figure out a permanent solution to entropy universes invading.
>There's just star dust and you.
>An immortal impervious stick.
>No being could ever command or compel you just as you wanted.
>No creature, being or pony could care about the bizarre log that exists as is.
>You've seen the last star be exhausted.
>Blackholes gone.
>There's just you and decaying matter and magic.
>Soon what once was the birth universe of the greatest beings is claimed in total by parasites.
>In a few hours all that is left is you.
>Those entropic universes collapse other universes to build things in their twisted purview.
>It's over now.
>The very fabric of the universe shrinks and now you're too big to even fit inside fully.
>Then you hear them those ponies that hold the Elements of Harmony
>Twilight Sparkle and her friends
>"All together now."
>Harmony crashes through and into you, the only thing keeping their universe from fully falling through.
>A strange voice speaks to you.
>"I've failed you bearer of magic and now we set things right."
>You can't speak because you're a stick, but you're the only thing in here and the Tree of Harmony cares hearing the undetectable thoughts.
>"Will you accept our help?"
>Is there any other answer?
>"Very well, we shall use your mind, body and memories and all we have to fashion what is more."
>"We shall be as Yggdrasil yet in our own ways."
>Everything
>Melts
>Away
>You're
>A L I V E
>More than infinity as your existence.
>"We ask that you do what is right, yet that is only asking. Please awaken your heart."
>Eons of memory is slipped away, as the bed of pony kind makes for new frontiers bigger, better and the counter to the last threat.
>Self awareness of a universe housing multiverese that house within themselves more similar expanding universes going on and on.
>Ultimate power
>Utimate omniscience
>And the request
>Leave it for now to go and
>L I V E

>You are the better version of Twilight Sparkle.
>That bug is in for a nasty suprise as you nearly push her beam back to where it came.
>A white tendril interrupts.
>The Tree of Harmony has you and your minions in its grasp.
>It does something and you remember.
>And you scream and fight against being eroded to just a fucking stick again.
>You hear something further away.
>For the first time you witness being unconscious.
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.355980
>Twiglog Barkle
Anonymous
885c101
?
No.355982
356043
>>355975
>Also, Sven, I should hopefully have my part of the collab done by tomorrow night sometime.
Uso Da!!1
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356013
356020 356044
Turns out Chatoyance is 62 going on 63. I was crapping on an old person's work this whole time. Am I a bad person?
Anonymous
1c395a7
?
No.356020
356021 356044
>>356013
No, anon. Old age is THE OPPOSITE of an excuse for producing garbage. Being old and writing trash means having failed to learn how to write despite having had far more opportunities than anyone younger.
The only reason you feel bad now is instincts that have been developed in times when getting old actually required being a valuable member of the society.
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356021
356029
>>356020
But doesn't dementia kick in early for women? Sure, chatoyance is a man troon, but all those femchemicals can't've been good for him.
Anonymous
1c395a7
?
No.356029
>>356021
Not by 50. Though it's a wonder how he managed to live past 30.
And dementia is still not an excuse.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.356043
356049 356051 356060
683757__safe_fluttershy_solo_angry_fangs_parody_pixiv_japanese_slit+eyes_higurashi+no+naku+koro+ni_artist-colon-dobado_rena+ryuugu_uso+da.png
>>355982
Just for that, I decided to do it tonight instead.

Seriously though, sorry it took so long. I'm trying to get to 50k words this year for NaNoWriMo since the last couple years I've done it I didn't quite make it, so I've been working on the Pyx thing.

Anyway, it's updated; hope you enjoy what I came up with.
https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/SyZdTa3rj
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.356044
>>356013
The Chatoyance thing that I reviewed I remember being of considerably higher quality than most of the other selections I've looked at, but that's not saying all that much. It still had its share of problems; the author mostly got high marks from me due to being able to read and write at a more or less adult level, which before I started reviewing MLP fanfiction was the bare minimum I'd expect from just about anyone. Also, iirc I read that story immediately after I finished Our Girl Scootaloo, so the bar could not possibly have been set any lower.

I would say that if an author is older it means you're justified in holding him to a higher standard, particularly if he's also been writing for a long time. That's part of the reason I'm so curious about kkat's true identity; namely, if the rumors about him being a 50+ year old troon are actually true. FoE reads like something a fifteen year old would write, so if a fifteen year old wrote it then it makes sense. If something that low-quality had been written by a middle-aged man, however, that would basically lower it from "bad teenage fanfiction" to "Chris-chan tier autism."

Anyway, I haven't read any of the Conversion Bureau stuff, but I've heard mixed things about it. I may take a look at some point. Based on what I saw with the Injector Doe thing that I read, though, Chatoyance is a competent enough writer, but his work isn't mind-blowing by any stretch of the imagination. Like I said, it mostly just looked good compared to all the other stuff I've looked at.

To be fair, I'm assuming that Past Sins and Sun & Rose and most of those other stories I've reviewed were probably written by people who were in their teens or early twenties, and who probably hadn't written much of anything before attempting those projects, so if anything my judgement of them might have been overly harsh. By contrast, Chatoyance is in his sixties, and if I remember correctly, claims to have worked as a professional writer in some capacity, so if anything he ought to be held to a far higher standard. I think you've pretty much got open license to take a shit on him if you want to.

>>356020
Basically what this guy said.
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356048
Thank you, everyone. I shouldn't feel bad about criticizing Chatoyance's work. After all, it was gay.
Probably the least gay pony fiction we've read on this site, which is weird because it's a fantasy where a loser transforms through no effort of their own to become a superior species, get validated by the abilities and traits of their new body, and granted what's basically heaven for them. Gregoria felt bad about being a bad friend but there was no hidden resentment for that.
Bet it would have improved the story if pony Gregoria tried making up for lost time with her friend only for that hidden resentment for abandoning her right when she lost her husband and retreated into pony fantasy to blow up and cause a big shoutfest.
Gregoria should have had to try harder to make friends as a pony before humanity and equinity became irrelevant to the story of Steve Jobs vs the government and all of that became irrelevant to the story of a glitchy simulation that can retcon anything at any time once a sufficiently special person dies and imprints their beliefs onto the world.
This is a setting where nothing can matter and any exploration of humanity or ponykind is forgotten. They don't even struggle with the question of what can matter once it is objectively proven that nothing does. Nobody plans to crash the simulation with no survivors or become a Code Holder and die thinking happy thoughts to rewrite the universe into a happy one where things can matter again and there are no more retcons, or find a Code Holder and convince them to die for this future or pass on their Code Holder status to someone willing to die in a way that matters and makes stuff matter again.
Anonymous
8790a1b
?
No.356049
356102
>>356043
I'm excited. This is like reading fanfiction of something you wrote.
Anonymous
8790a1b
?
No.356050
356102
I'm sorry about the atrocious speeling and gramer arrows in the first chapter that I made you read. Just felt the need to produce the new version of chapter 1 quickly enough.
Anonymous
8790a1b
?
No.356051
356102
>>356043
I loved it.
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.356060
356102
>>355975
This story has been one of the funniest things I've read lately. Love all the subtle little jokes (Night Soil got a kek out of me) and it really is satisfying to have read the original work and your review first.

>>356043
This is also really good!
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356078
>send out playable beta levels to FE fans for testing
>they don't get the realistic tone or political complexity, skip cutscenes, complain about understanding less with each cutscene, fill in the blanks in their knowledge with their own biases and rewrite the story in their heads to suit said biases despite being incompatible with what comes after, call my writing shit because it didnt go where they expected, call the hero a weak dumbass because they're used to mary sues who can do anything, call my character design bland for being realistic with its fantastical elements, call my balance shit because weak characters and strong characters are very different despite the story reasons justifying this and the added gameplay challenge I intentionally designed for(send your best fighter somewhere and he's not covering anywhere else), loathe a little girl they had to rescue because they kept fucking up and letting her die and blaming her even though she's a fucking little girl and they have all the tools they need to solve this map if only they would read what the skills and weapons and custom classes do before they rush in blind like Awakening Babies used to playing on easy automatic

I think I've made a mistake somewhere.
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356079
356086
I don't mean to sound like I'm blaming others for not getting it. That would make me sound like a bad author and a bad sport about this whole thing. I think the mistake is that I made it too hard to "get". I need to be less subtle and less complicated. There has to be something I can do to help the target audience of 40 somethings addicted to mobile games intended for kids aged 12 and up to get it. What should I do? Add shit they're used to like overpowered wizard girlfriends, enemy phase focused maps where your invincible bugzappers watch armies of ants commit suicide, and incestuous horny big sisters with massive tits eager to fellate a blank slate protagonist for showing up?
Anonymous
8a7d041
?
No.356086
356087
>>356079
But, you ARE a bad author and a bad sport. Thats well established.
>What should I do/add
Add liberal amounts of skill, practice, talent, and consideration for the audience.
Or here's an idea: tell a reasonably good fucking story
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356087
>>356086
Name a good book.
I'll experience it the way they did.
I'll skip chapters, mash though text without reading it, turn several pages at a time, complain about understanding nothing, and play Dark Souls 3 now and then between chapters in a language I don't speak (to simulate acute chronic bibliophobia) while calling it a bad game for being harder than Hyrule Warriors.
That's my impression of a homosexual.
How do I create a story so great, it will convince homosexuals who do this to not choose to experience art like that?
Anonymous
6c09a87
?
No.356090
Spoilered
>Be me.
>You are now pony
>It's been your life long dream and desire and it's all fulfilled.
>Best ponu waifu
>Important job
>Get to be a massive troll and ponies love you for it.
>You know what's going to go down.
>So you train in teamwork exercises.
>The best damn teamwork you've seen.
>Ponies wielding ponies is never a naturally occurring tactic for the sane.
>Honestly convincing your best friend who is also your marefriend into training this went far easier than it should have been.
>When you said it at first she just gave a look.
>A small bit of thinking
>then a nod as it made tactical sense.
>Earth ponies would multiply the raw force by their strength and durability.
>Pegasi ponies reach top speed enabling ancient codes of warfare to be activated at nearly a moments notice while saving their energy.
>Unicorn ponies could do reality warping effects, lasers, bayonets and spells that can be cast before or during or after.
>Your pony pal is special not only is she your marefriend, wife to be, she's with you in all endeavors.
>So when you said you wantes to enact a wartime tactical operation in old recalled pony manuscripts
>You've been here long enough that remembering it all is a bit hard.
>She gleefully accepted
>More contact, feeling heroic, physical fitness, mental acuity and more.
>Granted it's a bit silly at first glance
>Then you both really started getting into the depths of this.
>You both could pull genuine anime moments off.
>Old laws of physics? Meet the power of friendship and magic.
>Several live operations using this technique resulted in perfect victory, no being ever knew what hit them and never did.
>Now? You're at your last legs and so is best pony.
>This tactical operation became the slow grind that whittled away at everything, what you've been preparing for.
>On the surface it's a peace keeping mission as usual, but you've read the comics and watched the show read the greens and shit posts.
>With all that everything is culminating in this very moment.
>If you remember right it's called
>The fastball special.
>Epic wife tossing.
>Shining Armor and Cadence's power couple move.
>So throw your wife good and true just like you saw all those years ago.
>Her wings ready to go at twenty percent speed, when colors trail behind as horse land logic tries to contain the sheer power.
>There's no room for fucking up, your wife is in position.
>You remember the power of Football.
>You throw true.
>You just saved the Crystal Empire along with your wife.
>pic related
>The dragon gets a statue, friendship squad gets good feels, you and your wife get another successful operation.
>Be me, Prince Shining Armor
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.356102
>>356060
Nice, thank you. I'm glad you're enjoying it. I think I'm actually going to finish on time and under budget this year, though the story might actually end up running slightly longer than 50k words. In any event I'll keep posting it as I go.

>>356049
>>356051
Cool, glad you liked it. As I said above, my other project is at a point of near completion, so hopefully by the time you have the next chapter done I'll be able to focus more attention on this.

>>356050
>I'm sorry about the atrocious speeling and gramer arrows in the first chapter that I made you read. Just felt the need to produce the new version of chapter 1 quickly enough.
tbh I really had to fight the urge to go through it and correct it as I was reading
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356109
356116
>wake up
"You took a nasty blow to the head, comander! Do you even remember yoour own name?"
>insert name here
"Wrong, but fuck it, that's your name now. Let's take it from the top... We knights serve the good kingdom of Inspira and the evil empire of Malbad invaded us in a disgusting sneak attack that killed 2 million, so we have to kill our way to their capital city for the next 20 chapters and eventually behead their emperor to end the war. You are our commander, and you tell us where to move on the battlefeld and who to attack. Press A to select a unit. Now let's get this over with."

Do you think this story is simple enough for the target audience of Fire Emblem fans or should I remove the usage of the word "fuck"?
Sage
Sage
7c32464
?
No.356116
356119
1646368922670_021608.jpg
>>356109
POV: Your a soldier of the glorious Red Army.
Ura!
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356119
356122 356123 356158
>>356116
Lmao no, because of engine limitations the good guys have to be blue, reds are bad, neutrals are green. Also communism is part of the (((problem))).

By the way I think I've solved the real problem.
I was coming at this from the wrong angle.
A day in the life of a normal human worker forced to labor for a system that hates him, before he sees the chance to be the hero and save a white girl from Orcs and he saves her from her evil libtard family and they join the rebellion against the (((goblins))) for the sake of love?
Too real.
Too painful.
Playtesters said "This is boring, I wanna get to the fighting already!" but I know the prologue wasn't that long. Plenty of movies do setup before the action starts. 40 minutes out of a game lasting many hours is less severe than 40 minutes out of a 1ish hour film.
The real problem is that it was painful to watch the hero suffer for that long.
Even though he eventually got a horse gf and taught her the truth.
And even though I gave the hero's mom some fat juicy tits to stare at while she reads his diary and cries.
So I'm saving this good story and its good characters for later and I'm making something softer and simpler for this game's story.
The fighting can start immediately once the amnesiac princess with superpowers wakes up in her war tent surrounded by armed men and women explaining that she is their leader and her country is at war.
Inflation is a complicated subject but "Orcs are attacking, pick up your sword or they will rape you, I'll explain the politics of the land and tell you the names of the countries on that map when we are wiping orc blood off our swords with the stolen clothes on dead orcs" is an easier concept to firmly grasp. Because you are a princess and you dont want the orcs to firmly grasp you. Or do any of the other stuff they do to women.
The story of a man rising up to save a country that had lost its way was too complicated. One good princess and some knights? "Your King dad is a fucking cuck puppet and baby eating demons control the government"? That won't take 40 minutes to explain.
Anonymous
6c09a87
?
No.356122
>>356119
>Playtesters said "This is boring, I wanna get to the fighting already!" but I know the prologue wasn't that long. Plenty of movies do setup before the action starts.
>movies
That's the problem
Games aren't movies.
Games are games. They have some degree of player agency.
Or make the whole thing interesting.
You have to let them know what they are getting into.
If it's a fighting game about fighting shit and the player being cool while fighting then thats what it has to set up. Set up in this case is roughly five seconds.
Sure you could dress it up nice and distract them.
Thing is what are your play testers testing?
If it's mechanics then they don't care that much about story.
If it's seeing if the story is fine, the pacing and engagement thats different.

If you told the play tester check out my awesome game full of cool moves they are looking foward to that.
That's different then asking someone to see the story with deep themes and stuff.
People operate using power curves for feeling, action and attention.
Anonymous
ce5fa1d
?
No.356123
>>356119
>40 minutes out of a game lasting many hours is less severe than 40 minutes out of a 1ish hour film.
It's clearly not the same if you actually value your time. "Loosing" a few minutes, as opposed to nearly an hour.
Besides, you'd have to be Hideo Kojima if you expect anyone to sit for that long.
Similarly, the only reason some authors can get away with certain shit, is because they already are consolidated writers.
Anons have already pointed this out before.
It may not be exactly fair, but it makes sense. You have to seriously consider what you are doing from a marketing perspective.

Don't take it too harshly nigga. It's a legitimate advice.
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356136
I thought it was okay for 40 minutes of worldbuilding before the large scale battles start because I added playable fights and tutorials here and there. I introduce a character, I show a bit of that character's life, and then an orc gang with machetes attacks and needs to be killed. I introduce a character, the hero reads books with her and then fantasizes about a big battle and you play that big fight with characters who dont exist outside of it. I was stunned at how much that offended playtesters, as if any and all effort expended with characters designed to be "A taste of power" early on is completely wasted because the EXP doesnt go to your main characters. I should have added a large scale playable prologue flash forward thing. Oh well. Now I'm making a simpler FE game with bigger battles, bigger tits, subtler politics, simpler concepts. The orcs and goblins are still evil but the amnesiac rebellious princess with a sword exiled from her evil cucked royal family for having a heart doesnt need hours of setup for the target audience to get it and get on board with helping her slaughter Orcs.
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356153
Man, I used to be a fucking retard when it comes to writing.

That old pony fic didn't need a "hunt for the collectables" quest to add tension.

What it needed was a villain.

Not some bootleg team rocket looking to take over the world with the power of magic cards.

The story needed a villain stronger than the hero, richer, sexier, and obsessed with Twilight Sparkle for all the wrong reasons. A villain suited for the romance story. He could be older than the hero to make him seem bigger, or younger to make him seem better, whichever makes him a bigger contrast to the hero. The hero would want to make love to Twilight and marry her, while the villain would want to impress her and seduce her and bed her and get super strong kids to improve his rich evil old money family's fame and wealth and power. Or if that's too dark he could want to take her for all she's got and put a cursed ring on her that steals her magic and leaves her a dried up husk with nothing left to take until he's killed and she's healed. The hero would be the underdog, and he would be Gaston but more so. The hero can improve, and has to improve, but Gaston cannot improve or create, he can only take. Audiences would be gripping the edge of their seats. Would Twilight get with the villainous gigachad, or the heroic virgin male? Can the hero overcome his impoverishedness and beta cuck nature and crippling depression and not only get the girl, but save her from a monster? The villain could represent everything the hero once wished he was: Confident, rich, famous, powerful, attractive. But now the hero doesn't care about anything besides Twilight and doing what's right.

I think that would work for the pony fic. Does anyone have any objections?
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.356158
356161
>>356119
I recommend reading this.
https://frictionalgames.com/2017-05-planning-the-core-reason-why-gameplay-feels-good/
Backstory is valuable but relatively few players will sit doing nothing for that long. The art of game design is incorporating all that with gameplay and stuff that keeps players engaged. The Mother series does that well by having you play different characters who end up meeting at a future point.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
2807619
?
No.356160
356166
Updated with more words:
https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/ryT8dxL8j
Anonymous
f52e904
?
No.356161
>>356158
This is good shit!
I think my story of love and rebellion would be better suited to a visual novel or comic where people are primarily here for the story.
This Fire Emblem game will have characters who should feel more... Fire Emblemy.
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.356166
>>356160
I love it, the play had me howling with laughter!
Anonymous
6c09a87
?
No.356223
Elden Ring inspired Anonymous in Equestria
>Be me
>Anon
>Four words sentence the bright and wonderful day of horsepussyland to the cruel reality.
>"Anon, you are mareless."
>Destroyer of hopes and dreams Rainbow no-longer-bro-for-a-hot-minute Dash continues.
>"You've got here in Equestria with all these lovely lonely mares but some how you don't have a fillyfriend."
>Her dagger of ruination delivers a final blow.
>"I called in my favor."
>Every pony, hero and person of interest is given three wishes they could ask of Princess Molestia.
>The Princess of Molestation, Lewdness and incredibly repressed due to lacking her own body.
>Princess Celestia has a time share deal till The Royal Concubine's body reforms.
>As such Princess Molestia can only give out three wishes per being barring a few near impossible conditions.
>Rainbow Dash already used two
>The first to live a blessed life.
>The second to be the fastest pegasus pony in all of Equestria.
>"Such loyalty to your friend my dear Rainbow Dash. I will always remember it."
>Princess Molestia fades in like the ghostly spirit she currently is.
>Slowly a teleporation spell casted on small parts reaching faster than others forming her mostly complete visage.
>You wern't born in Equestria, nor a hero because of a missing part, the minutia of the details concerning a being of interest denies you The Lewd Princess Pony's wishes as well.
>"Anon, Rainbow Dash has said you are mareless why is this so?"
>It's not that you didn't want your very own hors wife
>Your innate energy because of where you've came from hinders the innate energies of Equestia from effecting you.
>You only hear when ponies sing, not the rising rhythm of the indomitable pony spirit shouting upon reality.
>You can only see what ponies interact with you do, the underlying Snowpitty weaving to another for an actual relationship is nigh untouchable.
>Your heart and mind and soul remain your own, no other may claim it here.
>None, no matter your desire to bond with them in any capacity.
>So you do what you can, being there, yet the key facet all beings of this world is denied to you.
>Timeless, deathless, tireless, indivisible, infatigueable, immutable, solely who you are and that also means mareless.
>If you can't connect with a mare on that primal level there is nothing there for you or her.
>To protect them and others from harm.
>You happen to fall outside of that edict.
"I am barred all avenues you see."
>Both Raibow bro-till-the-end-wingpony Dash and Princess Molestia heard the grievance in full.
>"As I am I'm less of a mare, yet in this I can be a mare for you bridging that gap."
>Her shaply rear rises, low and behold her pony donut and hors pussy.
>"Claim me as the mare I once was and together we will break through this dry spell and have pony maidens."
>Your cock leaps into action.
"If you will have me!"
>She does.
>Thus begins the journey of Anon.
>Alicorn Lord.
Anonymous
40dea59
?
No.356237
356240 356241
>your girl asks to be a part of your story
What the fuck do I do
Anonymous
0c78a7b
?
No.356240
>>356237
Tell her to stop being imaginary.
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.356241
356242
>>356237
If you just want to mollify her, write her in as a background character who is pleasant enough but has no real effect on the plot. If you think you can actually pull it off, write her in as a major character with admirable traits but isn't a Mary Sue, and who doesn't screw up your story. If you want to troll her, write her as a repugnant character everyone would hate.

Whatever you do, don't use her real name or necessarily complete description.
Anonymous
40dea59
?
No.356242
356243
>>356241
Okay but how do I know people won't lewd her or do speedruns to kill her off
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.356243
356244
>>356242
Oh, you're talking about a game, not a written story. Rule 34 has no exceptions, but there's much less chance of her specifically being affected if she's not the only attractive female character. People would speedrun killing her only if her role is annoying.
Anonymous
40dea59
?
No.356244
356245
>>356243
That makes sense. Sorry for the typo, the gameplay side of things is going good but getting the story and characters right is harder. There are playable maps with identical blank-faced people whose pre-fight cutscenes say shit like "Insert swordie 3's dialogue here". A lot of characters aren't done yet. But the hero's pretty much done.

At first the hero's weapons are his fists, and the bows and arrows of hunters. He hunts for food for his family, he works hard at his job for his family, he's a hard worker used to working with his hands, and when he starts fighting evil he doesn't just battle it, he hunts it. But as he grows and becomes enlightened by the right ideology, he starts using a specific kind of magic, Life Magic, the magic of his people, techniques the evil empire tries to stamp out just like it tries to stamp out his ideology and ban his weapons and enslave his hands.

By the time he levels up enough to gain access to Swords, his support and battlefield control magic makes him more useful controlling battles and aiding his allies than he would be dealing damage on the front lines like anyone else, which keeps him feeling relevant and uniquely important gameplay-wise even when you're keeping him in the back and only bringing him out to fight the map's bosses to ensure your other units can fight and gain EXP and secure time-sensitive objectives. This lets him feel impactful without necessarily making him as OP as Chrom+Robin were in FE Awakening. In that game those two fucks were damn near invincible+super strong because if one of them dies you're forced to start over, they were SSS tier fighters when even your best other units were S tier at most.

I saw one guy do a "No resets" run and the more units he lost with each map, the easier the game became because he had less to distract him from optimally positioning his overpowered Chrom+Robin.

The hero doesn't just gain new powers over time because "it's a videogame so he has to gain new weapons". He doesn't fake the illusion of gaining power over time by going from a Bronze Bow to an Iron Bow to a Steel Bow to a Titansteel Bow. He changes how he fights as he grows and his rebellion against tyranny grows and his core gameplay function in the primary gameplay loop shifts. He's a pure guy who awakens and becomes a pure hero seeking to bring life back to this land and freedom to his people. Giving him the power to heal and strengthen allies, create food, block chokepoints with trees, summon plants to attack enemies, on top of how he can summon the ghosts of his dead family to join his army... At risk of sounding corny, this guy is love, and this guy is life, but he has to discover these things. He's full of love for his people and love for freedom and life. At the start he's depressed because slave life is shit. But the darkness can be defeated.

I could make him learn elemental attacks from the enemies he defeats because symbolism, resolving to use their power better than them, and he deems these assholes unworthy of ruling others aka having power to tie into that symbolism, but the gameplay's currently designed so each magic-capable character only has one element each. The hero's element of Life suits him better than trying to invent an excuse for him to be The Avatar with all six elements but also not a chosen one like The Avatar was. So maybe he should only use the Life element. Then again stealing your foe's power by killing them is a common videogame thing because it's an easy way to add new tools for the player and new complexity to the challenges. I've put a lot of thought into this and he's going to learn Life Magic over time with the aid of old masters and ancient books, and growing into embodying new life for his people and nation is deeply symbolic, but killing enemies with their own magic element would be pretty cool. I'll have to think about this. Does anyone here have any suggestions?
Anonymous
cd07184
?
No.356245
>>356244
I love the concept you've come up with. Best of luck on it!