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1510551708934-0.jpeg
I think I might have a problem
Anonymous
OtQ86
?
No.4045
2889 4047 4049 4050 4052 4055 4058 4134 4311 4365 4433 226293 307213
I tried to sneak a redpill into my pony fanfic, by including a scene in one chapter where someone argues with Glimmer over her dumb commie ideas, and the communist ideology is debunked.

I got carried away, so it's at 107,920 words right now, and only 80% finished.
350 replies and 156 files omitted.
Anonymous
/0Jpm
?
No.4396
>>4395
That's how I imagine the first chapter be like. I do however lacck more ideas right now so won't continue it because I am not sure how I would go about. I probably get him to mett Twi in some way and have him fall head over hels for her.
Anonymous
/0Jpm
?
No.4397
4398 4399
>>4392
>that she (a griffon) has a better understanding of FiM's principles with friendship of sharing with no underhanded motives, than a pony which flips the usual roles on it's head.
I didn't actually occur to me that is actually displayed reversed roles. I was just intrested in showing how cynical Silver is, that he actually thinks there is something underhanded with such a simple kind gesture.
>newspaper to establish that Silver has more interest in Ponyville than the meeting
I actually in the begining thought that he had done reseach in a libarary. They usually keep a copies of newpaper numbers and archive them but you gave me an idea. Since Silver has apple in his name, I thought that I could take the liberty of implying that he has some kind of past history with Applejack.
You see my orignal intent with having Rarity be the one who designed the interior was to build some kind of natural connection for Silver to meet Twilight when he visited ponyville. Now there is three options.
1) Be impressed by interior design think about hire rarity ffor job meets TWi
2) Scout out the competetion, the cakes, and meet pinkie->Twi
3)Visit (sister,cousin,frined,sister-in-law,ex) Applejack for whateever reaon that has to do with past->twi
4) Be unorignal an have pinkie throw a party for Silver like she did Twilight so you don't have to be imaginitive. Then again why waste time on something trivial if you have something more exciting futher into the plot.
Why i am so focused on TWi is because she would be the key to change his behavoir since he wants to be with her an therefore must change his behavior. Unlike other characters who he simply don't care for if they don't like him.
Also the idea i had however consious it might have been. About this first "chapter" was basicly aout to things. I hope that this comes thrrough in my text.
1) Silver is cynical and therefore he ddoesn't believe that anyone can want to genuinly be friends.
2)A reason for why he went to Ponyville.
1)I used Coffee beans to show his reason for cynism because there are actually ponies who tries to trick him.
Aquilla is there to show that since he assumes everyone is out to get him. His cynism hurt inocent and keeps him lonely.
2)I changed the shops location to ponyville and made sure that Silver bought the place so that he could go there. I guess this is one of my problems since it comes off as why the fuck wouldd anyone want to own that place wel well
>>4389
>Details flow through natural dialogue
Ah, you don't know how much that warmths my heart.
>>4390
<And working the Parasprites from S1 into this was genius!
Thanks, I often try to use fim's rules to my advantage.


Anonymous
oQ6cq
?
No.4398
4401
>>4397
I'm unironically enjoying this rewrite. Not only is Silver not a wholly self-absorbed megalomaniac, but his financial and personal motivations are both understandable and quite shrewd without being (((excessive))).
>inb4 Mlpol hijacks Silver and makes him a presentable, believable, and identifiable (to the reader) OC
Anonymous
jgt3m
?
No.4399
4400
>>4397
>I didn't actually occur to me that is actually displayed reversed roles.
Consider it a happy accident for something Nigel did making her a Griffon but if it were a Pony it wouldnt have as much of an impact. Nigels Aquilla is boring as hell, because its just the very start of everyone licking his OCs balls being impressed by everything magical Silver does. You know if Aquilla has spent so long with him it would have been a better dynamic if she wasnt impressed by his 12 year old magic tricks. Desensitizing is a thing, and theres only so long before it just becomes the same ol Silver trying to show off to impress other ponies. About the only thing that remains consistent about Silver that Nigel wrote, he is an egomaniac but he wants to be the center of attention.

> Since Silver has apple in his name, I thought that I could take the liberty of implying that he has some kind of past history with Applejack.
If you read ahead or looked at the other thread he does have some loose relation as her cousin but again, iit's just inconsistent trash the way ihe portrayed that suddenly hes all sentimental about her but doesnt show it. It's honestly just bad and a complete contradiction to how much of an asshole he has been to everyone else in the previous chapter without actually going through any development. And then he is still an asshole, not to Rarity directly, but it's implied after being an autist to PinkiePie with the random petting.

Maybe he only cares about the successes of his own family IE the apples, so he kept applejack articles about her heroism around as a comparing competition or motivation, so he set out to be the best of the family in an insecure manor, the riches and whatever he accomplishes are still overshadowed by AJ's simple life and they can provide a counter to his unabashed in-your-face showboating and gaudy branding. Silver could even hold some resentment towards AJ because of this, but he wouldnt show it.

ANY of the options are better than whatever mary sue shit Nigel came up with, which is just empty connections to the mane6 with no interesting dynamics.
Anonymous
pcvWz
?
No.4400
4401 4404
>>4399
>Maybe he only cares about the successes of his own family IE the apples, so he kept applejack articles about her heroism around as a comparing competition or motivation, so he set out to be the best of the family in an insecure manor, the riches and whatever he accomplishes are still overshadowed by AJ's simple life
It is good that I have you that way I don't need to think. If I continue, I will incorporate this into the story. I, as stated, just drew the connection between Applejack and the newspaper so that I could explain why he would have a old newspaper in his drawer. I didn't think much more about it but I actually thought about the opposite of what you did. I thought that I could have Applejack being the one that resented Silver due to the fact that he got rich through George Soros-tier bullshit econmics and stock exchange instead of hard wrok in the form of manual labour or at least something that provided something to society.
But your idea works better withh the story since if applejack is the one with the resentment, then Silver doesn't have a concrate reason for keeping those articles around. With your idea, he does.
Maybe I will use both if I continue, which I really feel like doing but you know real life.
I thought about making their past be next door neightbors in manehatten. When AJ lived with the oranges he lived in the apartment next door and they were eachothers first friend and pretty much did everything togather. Or his adopted into the oragne family or whatever. The important thing is that they meet there.
I just realised something I could do. What do you think about this?
Silver and AJ are childhood friends but when AJ leaves for Ponyville, Silver is left alone. Silver therefore builds up his cynism and disbelief of friendship. In ponyville he falls for Twi but in the end he ends up with Glimmer due to the fact that they share so much incommen.
Anonymous
pcvWz
?
No.4401
4402
>>4400
> the riches and whatever he accomplishes are still overshadowed by AJ's simple life
I think I would want to have Silver be unaware of the fact that these things do overshaddow his stuff but I don't know.
>they can provide a counter to his unabashed in-your-face showboating and gaudy branding.
This Silver has yet to display the trait of showboating. I am not saying that couldn't have this character trait he has but it is not something I have yet given him. I guess there is one thing though when i think about it.
>gaudy branding
If you refering to the logo on his skyscraper than I agree that it is gaudy. The reason I put it there in the first place was actually not because I wanted to show of his showboating side but because I relaise how similar his character and situation was to Tony Stark's. I am not a marvel fan but I have watched the first Avengers movie in which Tony Stark's Tower is mention. I realised that Star and Stark are so similar that I could refernce it. I have some kind of neptune syndrome and therefore I try to put in refernces everywhere. If you looked through the text, if you haven't already noticed, there are a number of them. If I am going to be more serious however, then I will tone down the use of refernces since they only take away from the story.
Now that I the character has a gaudy brand I could either go two way, at least from what I see. I could have Silver be a cocky fuck or I could have it just a simple name he took because he didn't want to overthink it.
My version of Silver is someone who has gotten rich by making deals not developing a company and then I got to a point were could buy smaller companies and sudddenly he had an empire.
What are your thoughts?
>>4398
>makes him a presentable
I am not being sarcastic when I ask but genuinly curious of what it means for a character to be presentable. Can you elaborate?
>I'm unironically enjoying this rewrite
Muh Feelings
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3wNQHnEXBLs
Anonymous
9ksNv
?
No.4402
4403
>>4401
>presentable
Not: embarrassing, an eyesore, an insult to the franchise, nauseating to behold, a waste of everyone's time, an affront to the practice of writing.
Please continue
Anonymous
pcvWz
?
No.4403
>Apples-Applejack
>Oranges-Silver Star
Maybe a family fued?
>>4402
Hehehe, thanks.


Anonymous
jgt3m
?
No.4404
4409
>>4400
>I thought that I could have Applejack being the one that resented Silver due to the fact that he got rich through George Soros-tier bullshit econmics and stock exchange instead of hard wrok in the form of manual labour or at least something that provided something to society.
You could do both actually. Silver can be someone who started off with good intentions but got lost in the greedy egotistic factor. The kind of person who wanted to expand the apple family 'brand' but and went into the business side to do it, without their approval because it's not the Apple way.

As far as AJ resenting him, it can be more like he knows of her but she doesnt know of him because hes the black-sheep of the apple family and was kept secret from her, ashamed of what he became. AJ would definitely still side against his Soros like methods especially now, but with your idea of involving the Oranges (Learning the business side) would be like a fate that Applejack narrowly avoided. So she could be conflicted about Silver as a whole over time and play a good part in his development unlike in the Nigel-fic where she's just practically irrelevant and it's just there to make Silver look good in comparison.

The gaudy branding Silver does I was talking about is a reference to how he remakes literally everything he touches with that stupid orange and blue star. it's part of chapter one, he breaks into a window then remakes the window but with his stainglass star 'brand'. its just more egotism from him, he has to let everyone know that he was there and changed the window. he does this a lot with anything he owns. He is basically obsessed with orange and blue combination, and has his house having orange or blue windows, and likewise the door. The orange/blue is the same colors of his cutiemark, so as always with silver it's all self-absorbed with no sense of awareness. Unlike Nigel's version where he's their pride and joy gag worthy, if the Apple family turned their backs on him then it gives a good reason for his insecurity and lone wolf egotism.

I think the fact they might have known eachother when AJ ran away from home to the Oranges and learn the higher classlife has some potential, and it would work with Silver's ego/insecurity that he thought AJ would agreewith him, since they both wanted a different path from the typical apple family life. Just going on a re-write of the Nigelfic for Chapter2,I would imagine it would be a real sting if AJ didnt recognize him at the party and then he has a sort of breakdown over this and needs to get out for air and teleports out. Instead of the retarded and autistic unfunny Nigelfic "i needed to fart" reasonin the original version.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
MyG5d
?
No.4405
4406
Lol, I leave for a couple of days and Swedanon hijacks my hijacking of Nigel's thread.
Anonymous
2m0wH
?
No.4406
4408
>>4405
>hijacks
Allah Akbar!;)
Anonymous
7spTn
?
No.4407
4409
>>4395
I like how you flesh out this character. Judging by the shitstorm for this fic, I guess it's a great improvement on your part. Consider a pastebin when you finish planning this story out.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
MyG5d
?
No.4408
4410
>>4406
Also just so you know I'm interested to read your interpretation of this story and will post my thoughts once I've read it, I just haven't quite gotten to it yet.
Anonymous
2m0wH
?
No.4409
>>4404
>He is basically obsessed with orange and blue combination,
>it's all self-absorbed with no sense of awareness.
I wasn't aware of this. It is like Silver has OCD. It is actually hilarious!
>without their approval because it's not the Apple way.
>because hes the black-sheep of the apple family
>if the Apple family turned their backs on him then it gives a good reason for his insecurity and lone wolf egotism.
I like this idea and pretty much this entire post is intressting. I, however, don't have much to add at least not now. Thank you for your input. It was great.
>then he has a sort of breakdown over this and needs to get out for air and teleports out. Instead of the retarded and autistic unfunny Nigelfic "i needed to fart" reasonin the original version.
I don't know. You have to ask yourself which one is more dramatic?
>>4407
Thanks so much. I actually have pastebin account but I have yet to upload anything.


Anonymous
/0Jpm
?
No.4410
>>4408
Please do. I would love some input.
Anonymous
7R9AQ
?
No.4411
4412
Opera Snapshot_2018-09-16_203417_mlpol.net Nigel samefagging on qa.png
Nigel samefagging on qa and con sidering to leave MLPOL due to trolling

exposed by mod ban notice
Anonymous
04c0I
?
No.4412
4413
>>4411
Not that I disapprove given the circumstances, Nigel was unironically praising reddit which is everything this site was founded against, but isn't there a policy against using information gained through staff positions to out people?
Anonymous
Daevr
?
No.4413
4414 4415
>>4412
I have seen mods using hashes to out samefagging trolls before with little complaint, but you do raise a good point.
Anonymous
04c0I
?
No.4414
4415
>>4413
To be clear again, I don't disapprove, since samefagging is a form of shilling. It's simply a precedent we should keep in mind for future reference in case someone tries to define 'information' as 'knowledge gained through moderation tools' which would include spotting samefags samefagging in a thread with no post IDs or flags. Atlas might have to add more legalese to the policy page if it starts coming up as an issue in the future.
Anonymous
Scruffy
JSdD5
?
No.4415
4416 4417
>>4413
>>4414
To respond with clarity
>No staff member shall use the information he obtains in his position on staff for personal gain, lulz, or to harass/humiliate a user or other staff members

The purpose of the notice was not to harass/humiliate the user, but to indicate that the shilling (same-fagging) had not gone unnoticed and to make a statement about derailing the RWSS thread.
Anonymous
04c0I
?
No.4416
4417
>>4415
Nigel probably wouldn't view it that way, if he hasn't left the site completely in shame, and good riddance if he has.
Anonymous
7R9AQ
?
No.4417
4418
77d822215330b8a82efb5e8f7d3b3fe8-imagepng.png
>>4415
>>4416

obviously this is an underground mass harassment campaign against Jason organized offsite and all staff that formerly trollshielded him are in fact radical glimmerniggers that have displaced the original staff
Anonymous
04c0I
?
No.4418
>>4417
Vril please
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
92GEG
?
No.4419
4420
>>4387
>>4393

So far my impression of this is that it is indeed a much better handling of the Silver Star character and the story than in Nigel's work. I do have a couple of minor issues: one is that the sentence structure and grammar is a bit awkward at times. I'm guessing from your flag that English is not your first language so that can probably be allowed to slide, but you may want to go back over it at some point and do some editing. Most of it is fairly minor but nonetheless noticeable, like saying "He wasn't even looking at Ground direction" instead of "He wasn't even looking in Grounds' direction"; things like that. Also I notice you introduce the shop owner as Coffee Grounds (which is the character's name in Nigel's work), but by the end of the exchange you're calling him Coffee Beans.

That said, the actual structure of the story is again much better than the original. Probably the best thing about this is that it eliminates the massive blocks of speech and inner monologue and tediously detailed action sequences that bog down Nigel's story. Nigel, if you're paying attention, this is a fine demonstration of how to properly build a scene.

Most notable is that the dialogue between Silver and Coffee Grounds/Beans reads like an actual conversation. Each speaker says something, and then the next speaker speaks. This sounds like an obvious way of putting it but in Nigel's story the conversations are mostly dominated by huge walls of text spoken by Silver "your nutsac belongs in my butt crack" Star. Probably the most excruciating example is the "date" scene, which consists of Twilight asking single-sentence questions and Silver going on for pages and pages explaining how he is able to do cool magic tricks.

In any dialog between two characters, no single character should be speaking for for more than a sentence or two. Occasionally a character will need to make a big speech or explain something which requires a larger section of quoted text, but this should definitely be used sparingly. If you find your characters doing this a lot it's usually a good indicator that you need to go back over your dialogue and cut some stuff out. To Nigel's credit it's actually very easy to fall into the trap that he does. The problem is that the way we think is different from the way we communicate. Thought is usually a continuous stream of ideas flowing in a somewhat incoherent stream through your head. If you sit down and attempt to write out anything you have to say on a given topic, you find that even though you know exactly what to say in your head, putting it into words can be difficult. However, with discipline you can generally compose solid, coherent paragraphs that convey everything you want to convey.

Speech is different. The next time you have a conversation with someone, pay attention to how much you are able to say before it becomes apparent that the other person wants to say something. Most of the time you are only able to get a sentence or two out before the other person will speak, and they will do the same until you speak again. You also only have a short time to translate your ideas into something that can be communicated and often you won't be as articulate on a given topic in conversation as you are on paper. A conversation on a complex topic will generally play out as a long, convoluted back and forth that may have completely deviated from the original topic by the time you get to the end. This is vastly different from a written essay, where the author has the ability to sit and think for a while, then write, then think, then write.

That's what is so unnatural about Nigel's dialogue; his characters don't interact with each other, they give speeches. Or rather, Silver gives speeches and all other characters just stand around and listen. The difference between your version of this scene and Nigel's illustrate this perfectly. In Nigel's, Silver just berates and lectures Coffee for paragraphs and paragraphs at a time, and it just makes the person reading it instantly hate the character. Your version of this character is really as much of a dick as Nigel's. The end result is functionally the same; Silver cuts through the shop owner's sales pitch, assesses that he is in a more vulnerable position than he lets on, and chooses to take advantage of this and acquire the shop at well below asking price (though I also notice you make the monetary figures add up more sensibly, good job there too). However, Silver keeps most of his thoughts to himself. We get to learn who this character is by observing his behavior, rather than listening to his philosophies and ideologies in his own words. The standard mantra is "Show, don't tell" and this does a fine job of demonstrating that principle.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
92GEG
?
No.4420
4421
>>4419
>>4387
>>4393

Also of note is that you do a good job of doing what I've been trying to convince Nigel to do for a long time now: filter out unnecessary crap. These first two posts basically take the first major scene in Nigel's first chapter and condense it down to its essential elements.

What fundamentally happens? Silver "my ass is like a roller coaster baby baby you want to ride" Star meets with Coffee Grounds and buys his shop. What is the subtext here? Coffee Grounds is trying to present his business as successful but ultimately he needs to get rid of it. You alter the specific reason he's trying to get rid of it from the original text but in this case it's not important, as it only really affects the reader's perception of the Coffee Grounds character, who is incidental. You also move the location of the coffee shop from Canterlot to Ponyville.

In any event, the central focus is Silver Star, who we are being introduced to. Which leads us to the final significant element: what is this scene trying to communicate? Mainly that Silver is a savvy businesspony, somewhat ruthless, probably more than a little arrogant, who is not above taking advantage of others in a weak position. He is successful and knows his way around a negotiating table. This is a very good introduction to Silver. Bear in mind that we learn all of this about him just from these two posts, and that is all I have read so far. The total word count for this section of text is 1,756. For comparison, Nigel's original text does not arrive at this point in the narrative until 11,938 words in.

Now, to be fair, that is just a raw word count from the beginning of the text until the end of the Coffee Grounds interview. In your text you cut out a couple of major scenes that consume a lot of text in Nigel's work. Again most of what you cut out is just unnecessary bullshit that needed to be trimmed anyway: we are spared the excruciatingly dull scene where Silver straps on his magic rocket boots and goes flying around all over Canterlot, for instance. You also reduce the initial exchange between Silver and Aquilla down to a couple of lines of dialogue before moving on to Coffee and Silver. This is also probably a good choice; Nigel's scene basically consists of a conversation with Aquilla where Silver admits to some feelings of discontentment and boredom. This really shouldn't happen before the character has been properly introduced; with a character like this, who is meant to be an initially unlikable character who you gradually learn there is more to than meets the eye, you want to peel back layers gradually like an onion. You want your introduction to the character to pique curiosity while only showing a single side of him. In this case, making the reader's first impression of Silver to be of his business acumen and ruthlessness was a good choice, particularly since you revealed this through events rather than just having Silver blather.

The scene I personally would not have cut, however, is the opening scene where Coffee Grounds is going up the elevator. That scene was one of a handful of things Nigel actually managed to do well, and I was basically enjoying the story up until the point where he switched over to Silver and his time spells and rocket boots. It's a good scene for a number of reasons: it introduces the story from the perspective of an incidental side character rather than the main character, which allows the reader to get an initial impression of characters and events from a distance. We learn that Coffee is going to meet with someone named Silver Star, and all we know about him is that he is mysterious and important. This piques initial reader curiosity and gives the author something to build on as he gradually presents the character. It's also good because it fleshes out the Coffee Grounds character and gives him a motivation and personality. Any opportunity you can take to humanize a side character, even if the character will only appear once, should be taken, so long as it doesn't make you deviate too much from the main story. It fleshes out your world and makes it feel more like a real place inhabited by real people/horses.
Anonymous
VKvIN
?
No.4421
4422 4423
>>4420
Thank you for your thoughts. I will comment on it later when I have time.
Also, not because I really feel that this is needed to be said, you don't have to sugercoat any of your criticism. I want to improve.
Anonymous
VKvIN
?
No.4422
4423
>>4421
And I can take it.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
IbNLO
?
No.4423
4424
>>4421
>>4394
>>4395
Alright, here are my thoughts on the rest of it, Swedanon.

Again, while it may not be something you can reasonably be blamed for due to your living in a Swahili-speaking country, your English is a bit awkward and it interferes with the telling of your story. One thing you may want to pay attention to is comma use. It's not a mistake you make consistently but there are multiple places in this story where a sentence goes on longer than it should without any punctuation like this one that I am right here writing like this see what I am doing it reads funny when there are no commas being used. Also, while your dialog is generally better than Nigel's it is still somewhat awkward. You may want to go back over your characters' speaking parts and experiment a little with rewriting their sentences. Try to use fewer words and make them flow more like natural speech.

Here's an example:
>I will soon be taking my leave for today, sir. I just wanted to know if there was anything you want me to do before I go.
This sentence is grammatically correct and there's nothing wrong with it from a technical perspective, but as dialog it's a bit stiff. Silver's response is not much better:
>Oh, nothing really… Perhaps you could pour me a shot of that whiskey by Emerald whiskers. I feel like celebrating It is a transparent bottle with a big label that reads Liquid Emeralds. It is in that cupboard, the second shelf from the top to the right.

Although the nod to the illustrious King Battlebrit's iconic Emerald Whiskers character is noted and appreciated, the homage might work better if these characters didn't sound like robots reading lines from an Aaron Sorkin script. Again, aim for a natural flow of words, and try not to use more words than are necessary to communicate what you want the character to say. Here's a rewrite of that short exchange between Silver and Aquilla for comparison:

>I'm leaving for today, sir. You need anything else before I go?
>Not really. I suppose you could pour me a drink. Use the new stuff I bought, the Emerald Whiskers brand. Liquid Emeralds, I think it's called. You'll find it in the cupboard, second shelf from the top on the right. I rather feel like celebrating.

See how it feels a bit more natural? Writing natural-sounding dialog is more of an art than a science, and it's a fairly common thing to struggle with. I still find myself rewriting dialog more often than any other part of a story. Just play around with it and see what sounds better. I've found it also helps to listen to other people's conversations and make a note of how they say things. Pay attention both to what words the person used to say what they had to say, as well as the information they were trying to convey. People have different ways of speaking and it's a good idea to think how one character in your story uses language vs. another. The differences don't need to be huge, but each character should have a speaking style that fits their character. For instance, with Applejack you can use a lot of Southernisms and country slang; Pinkie Pie speaks very hyperactively; Rainbow Dash speaks casually and says "awesome" a lot; Twilight sounds like a bookworm; Rarity is overly polite and well mannered; you get the idea.

If you want a really interesting study in dialog writing you should read The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. Mark Twain literally went around to different regions of America with a notebook taking detailed, autistic notes about all the various dialects and speaking styles in America. He replicated nineteenth century Nigger-speak so effectively it eventually caused the book to be banned in American high schools because muh racism.

Something you do well that I think is worth developing is the way you intersperse dialog with descriptions of events, and conveying information through conversation rather than narrative whenever possible. For instance, the way you have Silver and Aquilla do a back-and-forth while she's pouring him a drink. You have a sentence or two of dialog from one character, then something happens, then the other character responds. Tiny little slice of life type scenes like this are the best way to bring characters to life. I think if you could learn to write more naturally flowing dialog you could really tell some engaging and convincing stories using this technique.

I'd like to delve more into the meat of this section of story as well, but I think I will use another post to do it as I only have about 1500 chars remaining and there are a few things I want to address.

>>4422
>And I can take it.
that's right you can
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
jr+zk
?
No.4424
>>4423
>>4395
>>4394

The events that transpire in this scene don't feel natural. Part of it is your dialog as I explained in the previous post, but that's not all. Your characters' actions and behaviors don't feel natural. Basically, the sequence of events here is: Silver is sitting in his office gloating about how he got one over on Coffee Beans/Grounds, and Aquilla is pouring him a drink. It's a perfectly natural situation for these two to be in and, except for the awkward dialog, feels reasonably natural. However, the situation gets weird fast. Silver makes some offhanded remark to her that she takes offense to, she gets angry and yells at him, then breaks his glass. He reacts by getting even angrier and firing her. Then she immediately becomes penitent and teary eyed, begging for her job back. Silver shows her no pity and tells her to leave again. Then, as she is leaving, she tells him she pities him for being lonely. The scene ends with Silver stewing by himself.

I get what you were going for here, and it wasn't a bad idea. The idea here was to illustrate that Silver is cold and arrogant and tends to look down on beings he considers less intelligent than he, which is basically everypony. Aquilla, who cares for him on some level, takes offense at this, and explodes on him when he insults her in this way. By having him get angry and fire her over something relatively minor, even as she's begging him to reconsider, you illustrate both that Silver is a coldhearted and arrogant pony, and that this is really just a front that conceals his loneliness and ennui. You establish his initial motivation for (assuming your story will follow the same trajectory as Nigel's) the main plot of the story, which is basically "Silver moves to Ponyville and learns to make friends." In theory it's a great scene and a much better means of conveying this information than the cringe-inducing emo ballad in Nigel's text. By all means you are on the right track here. However, in execution, it sadly falls flat.

The issue here as with the dialog is that the exchange just doesn't feel natural. Your characters' emotions go from zero to 60 and back again with very little warning. Aquilla is just pouring Silver a drink, you don't get any insight into her thoughts as she's doing it. There is nothing in any of the exchange up until this point suggesting that she might be about to get angry. She just explodes on him out of nowhere. Silver, too, overreacts in a way that the reader will likely puzzle at.

Getting characters to emote convincingly is one of the hardest things to do when writing fiction, and I myself admit to struggling with it. A common mistake is to assume that making your characters behave more emotionally will amplify the emotional content in a scene. This is a yuge mistake; the kind of fiction this type of pseudo-emotion produces is the stuff cringe threads are made of. Unless you're writing about characters who are bipolar, transgendered, or otherwise psychologically unstable, usually it's safe to assume that they won't just burst into tears for no reason, or get majorly angry out of nowhere.

It ties into something I've been trying to drill into Nigel's skull over the course of many, many posts: characterization. The key to writing effective emotional content is understanding who your characters are at a fundamental level. What defines them? What's important to them? What makes them tick? Even if you're just writing some simple piece of flash fiction like this, where you're just going to write a single scene and never touch these characters again, you still need to flesh them out and make them into real individuals.

Who is Aquilla, for example? We know she's a griffon, and you establish that she has kids and has been working for Silver for two weeks. Based on that information, does it make sense that she would get this angry over such a minor insult? She clearly needs the job, and has responsibilities that preclude her being reckless and impulsive the way someone without kids could afford to be. While she might have some initial spark of interest in her boss (this doesn't necessarily mean sexual interest, btw), her thoughts are likely going to be more focused on her kids and her family and her life outside of work than on Silver at this point. She probably just wants to pour this faggot a drink and get home; his comment would likely annoy her but she'd probably let it slide. Imagine yourself in this situation. Do you cuss out your boss every time he says or does something that annoys you? A more appropriate reaction would be to just suck it in, say "Yes sir no sir" the way she's supposed to, then go out for drinks later with friends and make fun of her lame, pathetic, lonely boss behind his back.

If it's crucial to your scene that she react more emotionally to Silver's insults, you need to establish an initial connection between her and Silver more effectively. Why does she care what this douchebag thinks of her enough to get this mad over it? The fact that she baked him muffins isn't enough; why did she bake him muffins? Why does she give a shit even though he's clearly a thoughtless asshole? To achieve this effect you'd be better off establishing Aquilla as kind of a Wayland Smithers to Silver's Mr. Burns, or a Miss Moneypenny to Silver's James Bond: the tireless, loyal, underappreciated assistant who has stuck by her cad boss through thick and thin, and remains loyal no matter how badly he treats her.

Also, however you end up structuring your characters and their relationships to each other, you need to lead into the outburst better. Build tension; don't just have them go from casual conversation to heated argument in the space of a line or two. Writing is a lot like acting in that you need to understand your characters thoroughly in order to present them effectively to an audience. Overacting is not an effective substitute.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
jr+zk
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No.4425
>>4395
>And then he farted.
Okay, I totally didn't see that twist ending coming.
Anonymous
QX3so
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No.4426
4427
1714334__safe_artist-colon-fillerartist_starlight glimmer_3d_animated_blender_boop_female_glimmerposting_lidded eyes_looking at you_looki.gif
Because I haven't posted here in a while, have a retro Glimmy, everyone.
Anonymous
ftyz8
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No.4427
4428
>>4426
On a completely random and unrelated topic, does anyone know how to get Unity to render in a lower resolution and color depth? I want to make a game with that type of N64 look.
Anonymous
3v+ZF
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No.4428
4429
>>4427
You can set resolution via Screen class (not sure about color depth)
https://docs.unity3d.com/ScriptReference/Screen.SetResolution.html
Anonymous
ftyz8
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No.4429
>>4428
Oh shit, that will probably work. Thank you.
Anonymous
hBe2E
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No.4430
4431 4432
Man, why do so many people want Silver Star Apple to be a cunt to everyone, even his own secretary?
Is this some kind of "I need to rationalize away why he was so mean to my waifu" or is this just supposed to annoy me? Because greentext of my OC is still greentext of my OC.
Anonymous
Vo2oA
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No.4431
>>4430
Hey Nigel, there's some Glimmerniggers on 8ch/trap/ ,... I think they would appreciate your take on the matter
Anonymous
sJNK5
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No.4432
>>4430
He was a cunt before hand tho
Anonymous
TCwI+
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No.4433
4434 4435 4436
silver_star_apple__colour_corrected__by_silverstarapple-db5la92.png
>>4045

Is there a character that could even possibly EVEN TOUCH Silver Star? Let alone defeat him. And I'm not talking about Edo Tensei Silver Star. I'm not talking about Gedou Rinne Tensei Silver Star either. Hell, I'm not even talking about Juubi Jinchuuriki Gedou Rinne Tensei Silver Star with the Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan and Rinnegan doujutsus (with the rikodou abilities and being capable of both Amateratsu and Tsukuyomi genjutsu), equipped with his Gunbai, a perfect Susano'o, control of the juubi and Gedou Mazou, with Hashirama Senju's DNA implanted in him so he has mokuton kekkei genkai and can perform yin yang release ninjutsu while being an expert in kenjutsu and taijutsu. I’m also not talking about Kono Yo no Kyūseishu Futarime no Rikudō Juubi Jinchuuriki Gedou Rinne Tensei Silver Star with the Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan (which is capable of Enton Amaterasu, Izanagi, Izanami and the Tsyukuyomi Genjutsu), his two original Rinnegan (which grant him Chikushōdō, Shuradō, Tendō, Ningendō, Jigokudō, Gakidō, Gedō, Banshō Ten’in, Chibaku Tensei, Shinra Tensei, Tengai Shinsei and Banbutsu Sōzō) and a third Tomoe Rinnegan on his forehead, capable of using Katon, Fūton, Raiton, Doton, Suiton, Mokuton, Ranton, Inton, Yōton and even Onmyōton Jutsu, equipped with his Gunbai(capable of using Uchihagaeshi) and a Shakujō because he is a master in kenjutsu and taijutsu, a perfect Susano’o (that can use Yasaka no Magatama ), control of both the Juubi and the Gedou Mazou, with Hashirama Senju’s DNA and face implanted on his chest, his four Rinbo Hengoku Clones guarding him and nine Gudōdama floating behind him AFTER he absorbed Senjutsu from the First Hokage, entered Rikudō Senjutsu Mode, cast Mugen Tsukuyomi on everybody and used Shin: Jukai Kōtan so he can use their Chakra while they are under Genjutsu. I'm definitely NOT Talking about sagemode sage of the six paths Juubi Jinchuuriki Gedou Rinne Tensei Super Saiyan 4 Silver Star with the Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan, Rinnegan, Mystic Eyes of Death Perception, and Geass doujutsus, equipped with Shining Trapezohedron while casting Super Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann as his Susanoo, controlling the Gold Experience Requiem stand, having become the original vampire after Alucard, able to tap into the speedforce, wearing the Kamen Rider Black RX suit and Gedou Mazou, with Hashirama Senju's DNA implanted in him so he has mokuton kekkei genkai and can perform yin yang release ninjutsu while being an expert in kenjutsu and taijutsu and having eaten Popeye's spinach. I'm talking about sagemode sage of the six paths Juubi Jinchuuriki Gedou Rinne Tensei Legendary Super Saiyan 4 Silver Star with the Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan, Rinnegan, Mystic Eyes of Death Perception, and Geass doujutsus, equipped with his Shining Trapezohedron while casting Super Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann as his Susanoo, controlling the Gold Experience Requiem stand, having become the original vampire after having absorbed Alucard as well as a God Hand, able to tap into the speedforce, wearing the Kamen Rider Black RX suit, with Kryptonian DNA implanted in him and having eaten Popeye's spinach while possessing quantum powers like Dr. Manhattan and having mastered Hokuto Shinken.
Anonymous
rvdTy
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No.4434
>>4433
This is an amazing list of character traits and development. Thank you for analyzing the character so thouroughly
Anonymous
Daevr
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No.4435
tenor (6).gif
>>4433
>having eaten Popeye's spinach
I nearly choked there.
Anonymous
QX3so
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No.4436
1522284582600.jpg
>>4433
I think I've found my new pasta.