The events that transpire in this scene don't feel natural. Part of it is your dialog as I explained in the previous post, but that's not all. Your characters' actions and behaviors don't feel natural. Basically, the sequence of events here is: Silver is sitting in his office gloating about how he got one over on Coffee Beans/Grounds, and Aquilla is pouring him a drink. It's a perfectly natural situation for these two to be in and, except for the awkward dialog, feels reasonably natural. However, the situation gets weird fast. Silver makes some offhanded remark to her that she takes offense to, she gets angry and yells at him, then breaks his glass. He reacts by getting even angrier and firing her. Then she immediately becomes penitent and teary eyed, begging for her job back. Silver shows her no pity and tells her to leave again. Then, as she is leaving, she tells him she pities him for being lonely. The scene ends with Silver stewing by himself.
I get what you were going for here, and it wasn't a bad idea. The idea here was to illustrate that Silver is cold and arrogant and tends to look down on beings he considers less intelligent than he, which is basically everypony. Aquilla, who cares for him on some level, takes offense at this, and explodes on him when he insults her in this way. By having him get angry and fire her over something relatively minor, even as she's begging him to reconsider, you illustrate both that Silver is a coldhearted and arrogant pony, and that this is really just a front that conceals his loneliness and ennui. You establish his initial motivation for (assuming your story will follow the same trajectory as Nigel's) the main plot of the story, which is basically "Silver moves to Ponyville and learns to make friends." In theory it's a great scene and a much better means of conveying this information than the cringe-inducing emo ballad in Nigel's text. By all means you are on the right track here. However, in execution, it sadly falls flat.
The issue here as with the dialog is that the exchange just doesn't feel natural. Your characters' emotions go from zero to 60 and back again with very little warning. Aquilla is just pouring Silver a drink, you don't get any insight into her thoughts as she's doing it. There is nothing in any of the exchange up until this point suggesting that she might be about to get angry. She just explodes on him out of nowhere. Silver, too, overreacts in a way that the reader will likely puzzle at.
Getting characters to emote convincingly is one of the hardest things to do when writing fiction, and I myself admit to struggling with it. A common mistake is to assume that making your characters behave more emotionally will amplify the emotional content in a scene. This is a yuge
mistake; the kind of fiction this type of pseudo-emotion produces is the stuff cringe threads are made of. Unless you're writing about characters who are bipolar, transgendered, or otherwise psychologically unstable, usually it's safe to assume that they won't just burst into tears for no reason, or get majorly angry out of nowhere.
It ties into something I've been trying to drill into Nigel's skull over the course of many, many posts: characterization. The key to writing effective emotional content is understanding who your characters are at a fundamental level. What defines them? What's important to them? What makes them tick? Even if you're just writing some simple piece of flash fiction like this, where you're just going to write a single scene and never touch these characters again, you still need to flesh them out and make them into real individuals.
Who is Aquilla, for example? We know she's a griffon, and you establish that she has kids and has been working for Silver for two weeks. Based on that information, does it make sense that she would get this angry over such a minor insult? She clearly needs the job, and has responsibilities that preclude her being reckless and impulsive the way someone without kids could afford to be. While she might have some initial spark of interest in her boss (this doesn't necessarily mean sexual interest, btw), her thoughts are likely going to be more focused on her kids and her family and her life outside of work than on Silver at this point. She probably just wants to pour this faggot a drink and get home; his comment would likely annoy her but she'd probably let it slide. Imagine yourself in this situation. Do you cuss out your boss every time he says or does something that annoys you? A more appropriate reaction would be to just suck it in, say "Yes sir no sir" the way she's supposed to, then go out for drinks later with friends and make fun of her lame, pathetic, lonely boss behind his back.
If it's crucial to your scene that she react more emotionally to Silver's insults, you need to establish an initial connection between her and Silver more effectively. Why does she care what this douchebag thinks of her enough to get this mad over it? The fact that she baked him muffins isn't enough; why did she bake him muffins? Why does she give a shit even though he's clearly a thoughtless asshole? To achieve this effect you'd be better off establishing Aquilla as kind of a Wayland Smithers to Silver's Mr. Burns, or a Miss Moneypenny to Silver's James Bond: the tireless, loyal, underappreciated assistant who has stuck by her cad boss through thick and thin, and remains loyal no matter how badly he treats her.
Also, however you end up structuring your characters and their relationships to each other, you need to lead into the outburst better. Build tension; don't just have them go from casual conversation to heated argument in the space of a line or two. Writing is a lot like acting in that you need to understand your characters thoroughly in order to present them effectively to an audience. Overacting is not an effective substitute.