/go/ - Golden Oaks

I'm going to start tripfagging since this is now spread across multiple threads and something tells me shit is about to get real.

>>4222
>but the kids "Shitting this site up"
>x is a hipocrit becuz x" leftylie. And your ego, too
Oh look being a hypocrite again with no self awareness, and reacting like a tumblrite. You are the one shitting up the site with your constant attention whoring and thread spam, nobody else and everyone on this site thats actually from imageboards is enjoying seeing your story get ripped to shreds just like everyone enjoyed the parody. And you are the one with the biggest ego here, you suck a dick because I will never read a single page you write.

>r/whoosh
I'm sure you know so much about who belongs on which sub reddit having such a good long history with it.

>You didn't get what Silver was saying?
>to be something anypony should be proud of doing.
'Proud' is not the word you used, faggot arrogant is, which is a negative form of pride. Arrogance doesnt get referred to in a positive light. You used the wrong words to get the emotion across that's your own fault as a failure of writer not mine.

>>4240
Amen.

>>4240
A beautiful poem

>>4240
So mote it be.

By the personal and direct decree of Lord Atlas himself, it shall henceforth be known that Nigel is a faggot.

>>4244
How not to love this place?

>>4240
I shouldn't be laughing so hard at the picture alone but as a hamstick boi, I can safely say this is basically every OC in homestuck fan works.

Also that's true pottery, 11/10

>>4237
godspeed, you glorious bastard. I'm enjoying this as I've always been, but unfortunately I've been busy this last two days. Don't think your work is going unappreciated though!

>>4237
WoW!

>>4248
Holy fuck, saved. (And set as my new linux background)

>>4249
Based Glimfriend, nano-men extermination when?

>>4250
SOON(TM).

Jokes aside Glimmernigel actually made me somewhat like Glimmer. I originally hated that Twiggles gave her not only a chance at redemption but a first-class, one-way ticket to her apprenticeship, and wished that her appearance in the show were confined to select moments if anything after her premier episode.

But I kinda like her now, and that pic is so a e s t h e t i c I can't help but like it.

>>4251
Somewhat same. Besides it's fun to see /mlp/ seethe over boop-posts.
I still hate writers for forcing Glimmer friendship with my wife, tho...

Hey whats going on in this thre-

>>4253
>siding with Glimmernigel
You must be new here, friend. Take a look at Glim Glam's posts and the lolcow responses from Nigel.

>>4254
Nigel is a cocksucking faggot but communist sympathy is communist sympathy

>>4255
Would you call sympathy for Louis Budnez communist sympathy? If they realize the error of their ways and show genuine interest in dissuading Marxism, I'd say trust but verify.

>>4253
>>4255
>Memes
If you're actually serious, and not just memeing this holds as much water as Glimmernigel calling all his criticizers lefties and reddit.

He really is the quintessential screeching aspie when anyone pictures that meme of getting upset over boop shoops. I've only just learned about him in these two threads but then while browsing /sp/ I found his autism goes all the way back for an an entire year anytime a starlight glimmer post showed up, he was there with his egotistic condescending attitude. He was banned for it too. He is an insufferable cancer and I see no value in ever unbanning him, but at least there are others willing to make something useful and entertaining out of it.

>>4244
MODS = GODS
Or Admins, in this case.

>>4237
Wow!
Beautiful trip.

>>4260
Wow!
Beautiful trips.

Also >dat blender meme

>>4233
I forget, which of my stories was 91k words?
Also that was a Trump reference, not a dig at him. I support Trump.

>>4262
You're right, I spoke too soon. I'm unfamiliar with FiM Fic's format, and I misinterpreted some of the statistics.
I get it now, and here's a rundown.
Silver Star Apple and the Search for More Money, Love, The Meaning of Life, And Magical Cards - 91k
Consisting of 6 Chapters
The SIlver Spire - 19,993
Now Its a Party - 14,916
Drifting Into a Dog Daze - 6,664
The Strength of Family - 12,506
Stacking the Deck - 4,719
The First and Final Sentence - 32,208 - This is the chapter that's being ripped to shreds.

There's ALSO:
Displaced: Human In Equestria but the Human becomes Twilight Sparkle only more, also Pokemon are there - 11 Chapters totaling 29,488 words
The Last Power Fantasy: Johnny Christie ruins his own story for everyone involved - 6452 words
TCB: Rewrite of 1996 - 10,525
And finally, Coral Phoenix and the Caged Bird - 2 chapters - 2 chapters totaling 19,646 words.

Okay, so there apparently is only 91k words pertaining to the Silver "You know what to insert here by now so hurry up and do it" Star with another 66,111 words between his other stories for a grand total of 157,117 words.
That puts Nigel's combined works at almost the exact length (~1k more than) as JRR Tolkein's The Two Towers (from LoTR).
Sorry for the inaccurate estimates.

In my dream,
the world had suffered a terrible disaster.
A black haze shut out the sun,
and the darkness was alive with the moans and screams of wounded people.
Suddenly,
a small light glowed.
A candle flickered into life,
symbol of hope for millions.
A single tiny candle,
shining in the ugly dark.

I
laughed
and
blew it
out.

While we're on this topic, I think it's worth mentioning that if you're redpilling against a hostile ideology like Marxism, it's actually better, paradoxically, to have the good guys lose and the evil ideology win. This is for two reasons. First, it offers more opportunity to show rather than tell why this platform of thought is evil and to show its logical consequences. Secondly, people have a gut reaction to suffering, especially when it is inflicted by other people. When they read about pain and terror inflicted by a certain group of people, they feel an innate emotional revulsion against the violent group. Having your protagonists lose hope in the face of repression will entice more sympathy than if they go full Rambo and shoot all the baddies.

This is why I believe (and it may be an unpopular opinion on /pol/) that The Turner Diaries is terrible political fiction compared to such works as 1984 and The Camp of the Saints. These latter books present a very real possibility and, by showcasing what would happen to ordinary people down the line, serve as a timeless warning for their audience. The Diaries, on the other hand, by going full "race war now!" discouraged potential readers and, by having the protagonists commit unspeakable atrocities, disgust those who aren't already fully committed to the idea. Pierce would have had more success telling the tale of peace-loving individuals who only too late realized that the unchecked expansion of non-whites meant their doom. You have to entice from the audience the idea that even distasteful actions are necessary to prevent such a future, not actually advertise these actions. Because of the "good guys win, bad guys die" narrative the Diaries, rather than fulfilling the intended purpose, are commonly used to advertise the threat of "dangerous white supremacists."

>>4231
>>4111
>>4120
>>4222

7. You're Writing About Politics All Wrong

So, up next we've got the scene in which Silver "my cavernous punished rectum is a void from which even light cannot escape" Star undertakes the foolhardy and ultimately doomed mission of attempting to shim sham the Glim Glam (protip: the Glim Glam cannot be shim shammed). I've never been a fan of this particular kind of political writing, as it is basically the argumentative equivalent of playing a fighting game where you control both characters and want one of them to win. The author just creates a mock debate in which he can put his own arguments into the mouth of the hero and use the other characters as sockpuppets who lob softball arguments the hero can easily bat away because the author already has a response ready. It usually makes for tedious reading and usually the reader is neither convinced nor entertained. This is no exception.

There is a fantasy author named Terry Goodkind who writes this way except better. For anyone who wants to try this sort of political writing, I would recommend reading his Sword of Truth series, as it is actually a decent example of how to do it reasonably well. I will warn you that the series is I think 13 books long, he doesn't really get to the meat of the story until about book 3, and the books can be a little thick to get through at times. Mostly they're good reads though; Faith of the Fallen is one of the most inspiring things I've ever read. However, my advice for you personally, Nigel, is still Ctrl-A + Backspace.

Whether or not this kind of mock argument is a successful way to convince anyone of anything I personally doubt. The art of persuasion is a whole other topic, but the way I look at it is if you're trying to persuade someone, there's two ways you can do it. You can appeal to their mind with logic, or you can appeal to their emotions. I know that appeal to emotion is technically a logical fallacy, but the thing about it is that it works. Liberal Hollywood uses it a lot (read: exclusively). I'm not saying that right wing authors should try to emotionally manipulate their audience the way Hollywood does, because this is a disingenuous thing to do and it tends to backfire eventually, again look at Hollywood. But with fiction, the idea is to tell a story that engages the reader and creates characters that they form an emotional bond with. If you can craft stories that demonstrate the superiority of right wing ideals using characters the reader cares about, you'll do a much better job convincing the reader of your point of view than if you just wrote out the reasoning behind those ideals and dumped them into quotes. The right has an advantage here: we don't need to twist things or spin things the way the left does, all we have to do is tell the truth and make it entertaining and engaging.

I'll use Goodkind as an example. Faith of the Fallen is a story in which his protagonist, who is fighting an enemy called the Imperial Order which is basically a stand-in for Marxism, is taken prisoner by a sorceress who is a true believer to the cause. She believes that, instead of fighting the protagonist, she can convince him to join their side by demonstrating its superiority. She takes him prisoner using magic and forces him to live with her in their capital city. Basically, he has to live under their system for months on end, the idea being that he will eventually realize how much the poor people suffer and how a system of total equality is the only fair way for a society to operate. He suffers under their system but he maintains his beliefs and his spirit. He makes friends with people there and shows them small ways in which they can improve themselves and their lives, even under a system that punishes self improvement. He secretly earns gold beyond what he's rationed by working odd jobs at night. I won't spoil how it ends, but ultimately it's a story about a lone individual struggling defiantly against an oppressive order. He adapts to their system and then rises above it, and it's both emotional and inspiring. The effect on the reader is much greater than if he just had his character stand around and make speeches (well, to be fair, Goodkind does tend to have his character make a lot of speeches throughout these novels, and it's a little annoying, that's why Nigel's book made me think of it, beyond that he's good though).

I know it's tempting when putting things that interest you into a story to start going on and on about them. As much shit as I've given you here about the length of your chapter, I can understand how you got carried away; but it goes back to what I was saying about needing to develop an inner filter so you can evaluate what parts you might find interesting to write about, but that the reader might not want to read. Read your own comments section, a couple people in there tell you just as much. Imagine you're just some ponyfag who doesn't give a shit about politics, who picks this up because you want a pony story. How interested would you be in a 24,535 word long dialog about Marxism between two characters? Probably not very. A story about an individual pony's struggles in a proto-Marxist community though could be very moving. You don't need to convince someone to adopt your ideology, you just need to present it in a positive light for them to absorb and leave them to draw their own conclusions. A person who reads it might not respond immediately, but later on in a class where a Marxist professor is pushing his ideology could recall it and realize he doesn't agree with the professor. That's how you persuade people. If you just bludgeon them over the head with your ideology at most you'll be ignored and at worst you'll end up driving them in the opposite direction, again as the left is beginning to finally discover.

Show, don't tell.

>>4265
Also, this guy knows his shit. Listen to him.

>>4267
>>4111
>>4120
>>4222
Anyways, slogging my way through the argument. Ironically enough this is so far the easiest section of the text to read simply because it mostly focuses on ideology so there are less things here that make me want to facepalm while reading. There are still a few things though. We are intermittently reminded that nopony ever really liked Glimmer to begin with, she just had them all under a spell which forced them to like her (I reject your canon and embrace my own, t. Nigel). We also have plenty of Nigel-esque self-aggrandizement. The crowd is naturally sympathetic to Silver "it is literally impossible to rape me because I will never say no to anything you want to shove up my ass, but I'll still pretend not to like it if that's what you want" Star, he really doesn't have to do anything to win them over except to keep on being awesome. That always helps to create a ripping narrative. You accuse Glimmer of "shooting a filly" at one point, not quite sure what the hell that was about, but whatever. Maybe that was in one of the earlier chapters you keep insisting we all need to read before we can comprehend this masterwork.

Here's another classic Nigel-ism:
>You think you’re right, I think I’m right, but if we never talk this out like rational adults, we’ll never find out who’s really right. Now, let’s discuss how wrong you are.

Even in a mock argument where both participants are your sockpuppets, you can't even pretend you're actually having a real debate here. Really from the get-go this was never meant to be a debate, it was meant to be an inquisition. Not even a trial, because in a trial the accused gets to defend herself. You've pretty much already concluded that she's wrong about everything, this is just the part where put her in the stocks and humiliate her before leading her to the gallows.

Glimmy does get the chance to defend herself a little:
>I hate it. And I hate you. I want all your excess money taken away from you, so you’ll be left with nothing but the scraps you need to survive.
Have to be honest here, I'd read that fanfiction.

Naturally, it wouldn't be complete without more bragging from Silver "I can deepthroat an entire eggplant" Star:
>I’ve taken down white-collar criminals, golden-collar criminals, evil nobles, evil Kings and Queens, even evil Princesses. I’ve taken down monsters who tried to feed virus-infected meat to the world, so their friends can sell cures at a premium. I’ve even made life considerably harder on unethical businessponies who use Planned Obsolescence to sell marginal upgrades to pointless devices at high prices, without actually taking them down properly, because what they were doing was unethical, but not really an offense punishable by a ruined career. I’ve saved multiple Equestrias, including this one. I’m a hero.

This is just pointless bragging, and a lot of it is shit you already mentioned before. Even just cutting out filler text like this would improve quality.

Anyway, more predictable Commie-patter from Glimglam:
>You’re rich, and that’s wrong. Rich ponies are greedy, because they hoard wealth and resources. You should all be forced share them with everypony else.

You know, I have to say that as little as I came in expecting, you still manage to disappoint me. Not only did you bloat your text with an obscenely long fake argument, the argument isn't even interesting to follow. This is just typical strawman crap, where you reduce the other side's point of view down to simplistic statements that can be easily batted away. It's just reddit-tier amateur debate. It pretty much just goes "muh equality" "but muh wealth" "but muh poverty" "but muh hard work", back and forth just like that. This conversation has been had millions of times across the internet and it's not any more interesting to read here.

The least you could do is try to make this argument seem serious. Don't make your communists argue communism the way you see it, you have to try to get inside their head and argue it the way they would see it, and try to refute it from there. It doesn't just make the dialog more interesting, it's good mental exercise for you. Pretend you're a communist and you honestly believe it, then try to think of the best argument you can for Communism. Then try to refute that.

Anyway, a few more minor things. You refer to a city called "Las Haygas." If I'm not mistaken the MLP universe already has a parody Las Vegas called Las Pegasus, which is a better horse pun anyway. I'd just use that. Also, that fourth wall shit you do where you talk about "the camera" moving from the fillies back to Silver and Glimmer? Don't do that, it's cringey. I can visualize the type of gag you were going for, but if you can't figure out a better way to describe it just leave it out.

*sighs heavily*
*rubs temples*
Look Nigel, on some level I appreciate what you're trying to do here, but this really is just a very mediocre effort. You construct huge paragraphs that tediously lay out what ultimately amounts to some pretty basic arguments. I'd like to grab a snippet from your own comments section for a moment:
>While I agree with silver's ideals (communism is a horrible thing), I found myself rolling my eyes halfway through the story. If I wanted a lecture on politics, I could go watch Ben Shapiro, Steven Crowder, or Gavin McGinnis.
This guy was actually fairly polite and it looks like you responded to him nicely, I'm guessing he's one of a handful of readers who periodically strokes your cock so you don't want to piss him off. Here's an even more poignant observation:
>Also, while I get some people hate starlight glimmer, I'm personally indifferent to her character, and this chapter did not feel like her character at all (ooc). It felt like you were beating on her for no other reason than you hate her, and that's something I can't get behind.
Straight from the horse's mouth, as it were. If you won't listen to me, you should listen to this guy.

>>4265
I think the Turner Diaries is a case study in multiculturalism and what happens when you abandon your founding/majority stock.

It's no masterpiece but I think the way Naked Ape describes the "turner effect" in his video on the alt-right is pretty spot on.

>>4269
I think the "you're rich and that's wrong, you should be forced to give that away" line is just the most shitty attempt at "debate" I've ever seen. Like I said before, actually get in the head of a communist and there will be more substance. Imagine, if you will, how the scene would play out with this kind of dialogue:
>"But for you to become rich, you must take advantage of and exploit others."
>"I don't want to take everything away from rich people but what reason could you have for all this needless luxury?"
>"With the money of just one of the top 1% of America, you could give every homeless man $100,000 housing, or even up to $10,000,000 to live off if we were to take from the absolute top-earners. All those people are starving in a ditch with no way out, uneducated and illiterate, with no inheritance or safety net. And then those who are both poor and suffering a severe disability!"

Again, I don't agree with these points, since no matter how wide the gap between rich and poor, capitalism raises living standards across the board, and I believe stocks and inheritance are legitimate forms of wealth. But if you show that Glimmer is a corrupted idealist, someone who did all her commie shit out of a desire to help the helpless, as commies universally claim to, that at least draws a little bit of character around her instead of her literally being blamed for all the world's problems and accused of forcing everyone to like her to bleed them dry. That kind of characterization is inherently childish and does nothing to prove a real life political point.

>>4271
An addendum to the green in this post: remember that much of the issue is an issue of definitions and beliefs. To communists, organization and heirarchy are inherently abusive, because of the force they could potentially exert on the lower ranks. We understand a boss needs his workers and has to treat them well enough to encourage productivity, hence negotiable wages and promotions, but to them the very idea of organizing out of necessity (and not out of love for the job/desire for the end product) is immoral.

The trick to convincing a communist is not to simply screech in their face, it's to argue from their perspective. For instance:
>"If my employees wish to leave the business, outside extreme circumstances, they can. In fact I owe them severance for any overtime done in that time, which stacks up quite fast. There are market forces that dissuade bad treatment of a workforce, and often extra motivators like raises give them added satisfaction. It may seem predatory, but my role as a business-owner is important too, for without this heirarchy and my organizing of labor and resources, the business would be less efficient, or worse, stagnate and die out."
>"The alternative of a classless society without market forces is one in which the only motivation is the greater good of man, and while it is a noble goal, it's not enough for many other people, and different interpretations of morality and philosophy mean one view of a greater society is the death penalty while the other is imprisonment. The fact we're in this debate only proves this point; religions, governments and businesses all have differing beliefs for the greater good. I think the greater good is to innovate technology so that we can work towards eco-friendly alternatives that are more affordable than fossil fuels. How do I enforce that without stepping on a few hundred million people? No, by organizing a company, shaking hands and making deals to please shareholders, I'm doing as much as I can for my greater good."
>"Why equality? What makes it so appealing? We are all different, with both inborn traits and cultural ones pushing us toward a certain set of skills. This fits very neatly with the division of labor. Wouldn't it be better that a tall and athletic man works a physically demamding job relating to his interests and skills? Even if it's a sport or olympian feat like sprinting or football, if it makes him and those around him happy and his service of entertainment or exercise-related science benefits his consumers, why make him a farmer and a baker and a factory worker? He has no reason to find farming or baking interesting in his eyes, and factory work is often demeaning and low-skill labor that may very well be phased out with technological development. Let him be a basketball star or competitive runner!"

Again these are just on-the-spot ideas. Really not that hard to construct around a capitalism v. communism debate if you know your characters, setting, and ideologies.

>>4269
>>4111
>>4120
>>4222

I think that >>4271 made a good point that a lot of what is wrong with this is just how you present your arguments and portray Glimmer. I've said a lot of this before I suppose, but it bears repeating. You pretty much just use Glimmer as a mouthpiece for spouting boilerplate Communism with some weak horse puns on ideology names to connect it to MLP. As usual with you it's just bad writing and shows a lack of understanding of the universe you're writing in.

I'd like to return for a moment to what I wrote about earlier, when I went over your lack of respect for the canon characters of the show. It definitely applies here, because you're doing the same thing to Glimmer that you do to Twilight and the others. Now, when I say that you need to "respect" the canon characters, I'm not saying you necessarily need to like them, since it's pretty obvious at this point that you don't like Glimmer. However, even if you're writing about a character that you don't like, you still need to make an effort to understand who that character is and what her motivations are, otherwise why write about her? One of the biggest problems you have is that you frankly just don't write believable dialog, and that combined with the fact that you go completely off the rails here with all the politics just completely destroys the believability of the story. If you didn't occasionally throw in weak nods to your setting like saying "Marksism" instead of "Marxism" or describing Glimmyglam's utopia as "unlimited carrots for all" because haha horses eat those, I would forget I was even reading an MLP story.

Your problem is you superficially understand this world and its characters but you don't think any deeper about them. It's not even enough to just understand their backstories and basic personalities, you have to go deeper than that. Who are these characters? If you create some arbitrary situation like being lost in the woods, how differently would Twilight respond to that situation than say Rainbow Dash? You have to learn to think like that. It's not enough to just know their names and speech patterns and details of events that happened in the show, you have to think of them as real people (or horses or whatever) and try to see situations from their individual perspectives if you want to write them well. That goes just as much for Glimmer even though you don't like her.

You go way off the deep end with speculation about what Glimmer's plans were. You basically accuse her of plotting to take over the world and subject it to some kind of pony proto-Communism. Even though you're allowed to take creative license, is that really what she would try to do? Is that what she wants? Most of the arguments you put in her mouth are just boilerplate Antifa-tier commie arguments about wealth inequality. Is that really the type of inequality that Glimmer cares about? Seems to me she's more concerned about unequal distribution of talents and abilities, not material wealth.

The way I see it, at the core of Glimmer's character is loneliness. Her character basically parallels Twilight's in that she's a very smart pony but kind of a socially awkward sperg. She manages to make one friend but he goes off to magic school and she gets left behind, so she feels abandoned. Rather than try to make new friends she isolates herself and dedicates all of her time to her evil plans. There's nobody around to tell her she's being a retard and she just needs to go out and try to make some new friends. This is actually a fairly common scenario in real life, people have shot up high schools over shit like this. For a kids' show it's actually a pretty good story angle, because there's probably kids watching who can relate to Glimmy. I guess what I'm saying is, even if you want to make this character the villain, you still need to write her arguments from her viewpoint, not yours.

The difference between Twilight and Glimglam is that Twilight had Celestia to teach her and eventually push her into a situation where she was able to make friends and come out of her shell, Glimmer didn't have anyone. One of the complaints you make over and over (and I've heard this complaint elsewhere) is that Tirek did similar things to what Glimmer did, but didn't get a redemption. Well, Tirek was basically a centuries-old entity, for all practical purposes a mythical creature like Angra Mainyu or some shit. Creatures like that get vanquished and sent to Hell, that's just how fantasy works. Any chance for redemption he might have had probably passed thousands of years ago, now he's just a monster. Glimmer has a human (equine?) component and the writers apparently felt she deserved a second chance. You don't have to like this or agree with it, but that's her character and any attack on her should start from that. Don't just dump human ideologies into her mouth and have her vomit them out, it's bad writing and makes for tedious reading.

The other thing is understanding your setting from a technical perspective. *ism type ideologies are a post-enlightenment development in human thought, and are largely the product of a liberal social order. Politics don't really come up much in MLP, but to me it seems like it's basically a benevolent monarchy, with pony communities being largely autonomous in the details of how they run things. The average pony probably doesn't think much about politics on a scale larger than his local community, and what academia exists is mostly devoted to the study of unicorn magic. Ponies all seem to have race-based roles and be content with them. You can think of it as a more or less medieval social order, so aside from maybe the occasional Martin Luther type crackpot running around, you probably aren't going to have a lot of treatises and ideologies. Especially since it seems ponies are mostly content with the existing social order; there's really not much fertile ground for revolution here. That's my take, anyway.

>>4273
>>4111
>>4120
>>4222

Anyway, some more nitpicky things I guess. You mention the steel industry, but I don't know that I've seen evidence Equestria would have knowledge of making steel, although it's difficult to tell just how industrialized their society is.

>She groaned in exhaustion. “Could you stop over-analyzing everything?”
Once more, Glimmer, the pony you hate, is proving surprisingly insightful here. You go through several examples that really just emphasize the same point over and over, which is that in a society with no personal incentive to work, where everyone is expected to share labor regardless of interest or ability, work will probably not get done as efficiently, and there will be less food/wealth/whatever. Your points aren't wrong, but you don't need to make the same ones over and over. t. guy who keeps making the same points over and over

You then start talking about Equalist countries without citing examples of which countries you're talking about. I guess in a world like this where lands outside the main setting aren't very clearly laid out you've got some room for creative license, but do a teensy bit more world building here. What countries are Equalist? How does Glimmer know about them? Has she ever been to one? You go into exhaustive detail about how these places work but don't really talk about where they are in the world or who lives there, again it just feels like you're writing an essay about human politics and draping a thin layer of Pony over it. Also, you spend a lot of this paragraph restating the same points you've made multiple times already.

>One thousand, five hundred, and seventeen. This might sound strange, but after you beat down as many unrepentant and incurably evil villains as me, you start to hear the same bad, fallacious justifications for evil actions over, and over, and over again... And, you start to hear the same ways to gloat about being evil over, and over and over again... So, I decided to make a little game out of it. I count how many times I hear a certain fragment of a villainous mindset announced, such as ‘Others cannot be trusted to make the right choices, so I had to choose for them!’, or ‘I had to do it, because only I can do it! I am blameless because I was chosen by fate!’, or ‘But this is the only solution to the problem at hoof I can think of!’. After all, villains aren’t particularly unique or interesting.

Just for fun, you, the author, should do the same thing with your story. Count up how many times in this chapter Silver "pound my butt at the speed of light" Star or Starlight Glimmer makes the same point about muh wealth or muh inequality. Listening to people argue in circles in real life is tedious enough, nobody wants to read the play by play in text. TRIM THIS DOWN.

>I’m saying you’re a really boring villain. I mean, really, come on. Look at you. Put all the supposedly-reformed friend-backstabbing evilly-gloating stuff aside for a moment and look at you. You aren’t some brilliant free-thinking visionary. You aren’t some overly-idealistic, tragically deluded wannabe-hero. You’re just another run-of-the-mill god-wannabe who wishes she could change the world to better fit her vision of what reality should be. Just another idiot too dumb to see anything wrong with her own idea of a perfect world, and too much of a jerk to consider taking advice from somepony who knows more than you.
More unintentional irony. I'll say it for the umpteenth time: your hero is a really boring hero. He's a walking pile of cliches and super-powers ripped off from anime and comics and God knows what else. His backstory is corny, nothing about him is original, entertaining or believable. People in glass houses, Nigel, people in glass houses.

Jesus Christ, your paragraphs are practically long enough to be their own self-contained works. Anyway, blah blah blah, more blathering about muh poor dirt farm backstory, more pointless bragging about all the crazy shit this character can do, blatant plug for his new line of Extreme Gear (really curious now to find out what this shit is lol), more arguing in circles. The crowd naturally cheers Silver and boos Glimmer, Trixie tries to defend her and gets a tomato launched down her throat, hopefully somepony knows the Heimlich. Not even going to waste time commenting on this part. Moving on.

Oh, lol. "The Equalism that _____ tried wasn't REAL equalism." Was wondering if you'd include that one. As long as you're having Glimmyglam rattle off tired, cliche arguments you might as well throw in the kitchen sink.

So, now it looks like Rainbow Dash punches Glimmy in the face, you make a specific point of mentioning that Twilight is gone without even hinting at where she went or why (my guess is she went off to find a better fanfiction to appear in), the crowd starts getting angry, then a few more essay-length paragraphs of arguing in circles. I just want to mention too that you keep calling Glimmy's ideology Equalism, but you branded it Marksism in a previous paragraph. You should probably just pick a made-up term to use as your preferred allegory and just stick with it. Also you never really elaborate on what "Harmonism" is exactly. You throw around a lot of words, some of which are real ideologies in the human world, others seem to be part of your fictional world. You don't really elaborate on most of them and just sort of leave it to the reader to decide what they mean.

Looks like Applejack makes a token appearance, although the only dialogue you give her are Big Mac's catch phrases. Oh okay, here's a paragraph explaining the naming convention for Marksism and Equalism. I guess Marksism is Marxism and Equalism is Communism. Cleared that up I guess.

>>4274
>>4111
>>4120
>>4222

Anyway, it looks like you're finally wrapping this up, thank God. Silver finishes off Glimmer with this sick burn:
>You keep saying hierarchies are unnatural fake social constructs, but hierarchies can be seen in all natural societies across the world, across the multiverse, even in animals. Wolves, Monkeys, Rabbits... Even Lobsters have hierarchies.
<So you’re saying we should organize our society along the lines of the lobsters?
>I’m saying even Lobsters are too smart to be Equalist.

How will Glimglam ever recover?

Anyway, turns out she won't have to, as your massive raging hateboner is finally transformed into a flaming sword of justice, to finally slay the mean pastel-colored cartoon pony whose mere existence offends you so.

You know what, I'm just going to drop this next bit in verbatim instead of summarizing it, because I don't think I could even muster enough sarcasm to do it proper justice:
>Screams of awe flooded the room, and Silver grinned victoriously as he found himself lifted up by crowds of cheering ponies as they collectively lost their marbles. Across the world, birds, cats, dogs, squirrels, rabbits, cats, dogs, howls and meows and screeches and rabbit noises could be heard worldwide. Underwater, dolphins, sharks, and sea monsters cheered, bubbles flying from their mouths to the surface, a bubble popping above the ocean blue every few seconds to unleash the sound of cheering sea life. Even the sun grew a temporary face, just so that it could scream.
And yes, this paragraph is 100% unironic.

Anyway, Glimglam is so completely and utterly BTFO by Silver's sick bantz that she starts to cry, summons all of her magics, and tries to destroy him (or something). Since we couldn't possibly expect any less from him at this point, Silver "check it out lol I am now literally a flaming faggot" Star summons a corona of fire around himself, which turns out to be a spell that can literally fucking freeze time, and naturally doesn't affect him "as much," so only he can move around. He informs Glimmer that he created this spell in two hours "because he was bored", makes fun of her for taking 20 years (again I'm curious where you got this number from) to create her magic-stealing spell (because who needs to spend time and effort actually learning stuff when all you really need to do is be super-totally-awesome to begin with, amirite?), and proceeds to summon a metal ball from the earth and ram it directly into Glimmer's jaw so she bites down on her tongue. He then proceeds to physically beat the shit out of her, which he apparently justifies by the fact that his spell protects her from actual injury...somehow...though she still feels all the pain. And just to clarify, the pain we are talking about here is biting down on your tongue after getting uppercut in the jaw with a metal ball "the size of a boulder", followed by a direct kick to the face while being thrown across the room. I would also like to take this moment to remind everyone that none of this is in self-defense; Silver picked this fight himself with a pony who was eating cake at a party and apparently minding her own business.

Naturally, the only reaction to this display of unwarranted violence from the crowd is from Rainbow Dash, who only sees fit to remark on how cool it is that Silver's horn didn't even glow while he was using magic. Yes, Silver "somepony literally fist this character to death I'm not even joking anymore" Star is just that cool.

Once again, I'd like to quote something verbatim:
>“Just a little something I’ve been working on.” Silver shrugged casually, and then a wide grin broke out on his face as his eyes grew cold and his breathing grew deeper and slower. “Something to make this a little more equal.”

That's right kids at home, you read that right. Nigel's stupidly overpowered character, who has all the powers and is pretty much deus ex machina incarnate, considers magically immobilizing an opponent and beating the everliving fuck out of her while she can't move to be some kind of leveling of the playing field.

As if all this wasn't enough, Silver then casts some kind of blue tornado spell on the crowd to whip them into a fury, so that even fucking Fluttershy for fuck's sake is screaming and howling for Glimmer's blood. Yes, the text specifically mentions that Fluttershy is screaming the loudest.

Once more, verbatim:
>Glimmer sensed a pony teleporting behind her, and she turned in time to see Silver standing there, a long sword in his mouth. “Nothing personal, filly,” He muffled around the blade’s handle.

Anyway, I'm not even going to bother with a play-by-play for the rest of this. They fight for a while, if you can even call it that; it's mostly just Silver sadistically torturing Glimmer for about a page while the rest of the ponies cheer.

Some choice dialog, from the great and virtuous hero of this story about pastel cartoon ponies:
>典he best part is, no matter how hard I hurt you, it’ll never be enough! You’ll always deserve worse. Oh, the things I could do to you... Do you think, when Twilight comes back, she’ll question it when I tell her you went on a journey to find yourself? Do you think anypony in town will question it when I sell a new cow to some farmer on the other side of Equestria? Or, perhaps, I’ll turn you into a Parasprite. Those things only live for a week, you know. Or I could turn you into chocolate, and eat you.
This part isn't even in quotes, it might even just be part of the narration.

This scene is over the top even for you, Nigel. This is downright ghoulish, the only parts that redeem any of this are the parts where its unintentionally hilarious. You need actual psychiatric help. Also, what the fuck kind of wapanese keyboard do you have that allows you to hit a kanjii as a typo?

Anyway, I feel like I need about a bottle of aspirin after that scene. I'll be back.

>>4269
>You’re rich, and that’s wrong. Rich ponies are greedy
After all the amount Nigel talked up 'beating her' at a debate this is the most underwhelming copout he could have ever come up with. I guess it's not surprising when he calls all his critics reddit (irony) and communists and glimmerfags but I was hoping he could come up with a stronger argument than what a fucking third grader could LARP.

>>4274
>One thousand, five hundred, and seventeen
So is this faggot oc supposed to be immortal or what? there havent even been 10 big time villains we've seen in MLP and the reader is supposed to swallow that he's taken out more than a thousand of them. And when did that happen, when he was working in the fields as a pony he was saving the world in his spare time as a colt? This is incredibly trashy consistency, I dont even think he goes back and checks if anything lines up except dumb irrelevant shit like '2extreme 4ugear'. As always a huge red flag that the writers self insert is more important than any other character in the show and undermines all of the Elements of Harmony instantly being dwarfed by the size of his ego.

>>4275
Making up powers on the spot that this OC has never had to begin with all so he can have his a cheering crowd including the whole MLP universe apparently and have an orgy pile later. And then launches into fully psychotic, and sociopath assault and monologue that sounds like the true villain right there. Such a bad writer that he made Starlight the victim instead of the one people want to see put down, and the one actual humans with a concept of guilt and morality to sympathize with. Anyone else besides this disgusting OC would put a stop to it, not cheer it on. Makes me think that the spell he accused Starlight of using, making everyone like her is what's going on in reverse. But of course, Nigel has no self awareness.

The whole thing is a flaming dumpster fire and an insight into his warped mind. Why would he think anyone would ever want to read this and think they would agree with him? He's legitimately insane.

>>4275
">典he best part is, no matter how hard I hurt you, it’ll never be enough! You’ll always deserve worse. Oh, the things I could do to you… Do you think, when Twilight comes back, she’ll question it when I tell her you went on a journey to find yourself? Do you think anypony in town will question it when I sell a new cow to some farmer on the other side of Equestria? Or, perhaps, I’ll turn you into a Parasprite. Those things only live for a week, you know. Or I could turn you into chocolate, and eat you."

That reminds me of Handsome fucking Jack from Borderlands. You hear me Nigel? You're like Handsome Jack. You sick fuck.

>"See, I can’t just have some psychopathic murderers getting The Vault before I do. Don’t get me wrong, it’s cute that you all think you’re the heroes of this little adventure, but you’re not. You’re bandits. You’re the bad guys. And I am the goddamn hero."
>"You see, this is what I don’t get about you bad guys. You know the hero’s gonna win but you just don’t die quickly. Example. This one guy in New Haven. City’s burning, people are dying left and right, yadda yadda yadda. This jackhole rushes me with a spoon! A fricking spoon! And I’m dying laughing right? So I scoop out his stupid little eyeballs with it, and his kids are all ‘waaaaagh’! and - hahahahahaha -he can’t see where he’s going, and he’s bumping into stuff and… hahahaha. I don’t know, maybe you had to be there. The moral is: you’re a total bitch."
>"I can actually see why you'd wanna tear that particular statue down. Clearly, you're illiterate, and the image of me enjoying a good book just makes your head hurt somethin' awful."
>"Oh, get over it. I shot ONE baby. And, in fairness, it was being a dick."
>"I bet you’re feelin’ pretty great about killing that no-name bandit king, huh? Sometimes I envy you bandits, you’re so...unburdened with things like intelligence, culture, morality, honor, ambition, good looks...I could go on. I won’t. But I could. [...] DIGNITY! I forgot dignity!"

>>4275
>>4111
>>4120
>>4222

8. Your Hero is the Most Morally Reprehensible Character in Your Entire Story

So, my scroll bar is nearing the bottom of the page, the fight scene seems to be wrapping up, so it seems we are nearing the end of this particular tome of autism (thankfully).

A couple of things, here. I notice that you have Twilight inexplicably leave the scene at some point. You don't say at what point she got up to leave or where she went or for what purpose, but you make a specific point of mentioning that she isn't there anymore. My suspicion is that even with your complete dearth of anything resembling talent in the realm of characterization, on some instinctive level you probably understood that the Princess of Friendship might object to your character sadistically torturing her protege. I highly suspect that your decision to remove her from the scene had less to do with consideration for Twilight's feelings and more to do with the fact that witnessing this side of Silver's personality might harm his chances of eventually boning her. We certainly wouldn't want to introduce anything resembling an actual challenge for Silver into the story, now would we?

In any case, displaying his trademark level of callous arrogance, Silver offhandedly refers to his love interest as an "idealistic amateur (reminder that this is Celestia's protege he's talking about)" who made a grave, childish mistake in assuming that a creature such as Glimmer could possibly reform. I'm assuming, though, that Silver's desire to stick it up her vagooper will cause him to be kind enough to overlook this massive character flaw in Twilight. What a great guy.

Anyway, apparently Silver is not quite done yet. Even though Starlight is completely incapacitated at this point, he summons a bunch of his faggot-clones and has them gather around and kick the shit out of her while she lies helpless on the ground, making snarky jokes while they do it.

One might think you'd be done dumping block paragraphs full of ideological blabbering into the story since the argument scene is concluded, but one would be wrong. The Silverfags continue to make speeches about the flaws inherent in Equalism as they beat Glimmer into a near-lifeless pulp on the ground.

Silver then performs some kind of stupid over-the-top finishing move on her involving hundreds of his clones while (naturally) the crowd roars with delight (one might think that at least a couple of these candy-colored ponies residing in magical-friendship-land might be at least a little disturbed by this level of over-the-top sadism, but again one would be wrong, at least in Nigelworld). He kicks her into a metal wall he creates, drops it on her, she explodes it somehow, he is considerate enough to stop the shrapnel from flying before it tears the crowd to shreds (what a great guy), beats her up with pieces of earth he levitates from out of the ground...

Jesus H. Christ. Every time I think this is about to end it just keeps going and going. Anyway, he tortures her for a while longer, makes some more arrogant speeches about how awful she is, takes her under some kind of metal dome, threatens her some more, tortures her some more, and finally passes sentence on her. This is done in another massive block paragraph that is probably five times as wordy as it needs to be. The basic gist of it is that Starlight is forbidden to harm ponies and can never return to this dimension. In quite possibly his most arrogant act yet, he has the sentence "witnessed" by clones of himself, then opens a portal for her and orders her to go through each of the worlds she "ruined" and "fix" them. She naturally doesn't go quietly, so he finally kicks her in there and closes the portal behind him, thankfully drawing this horrendous scene to a close finally.

Anyway, blah blah blah, some shit about a magic gem, who cares. Silver pauses for a moment, reflecting on how benevolent and great he is, and how heavy is the burden of his responsibility. To quote the poet: "Sometimes it was rough being a rich and handsome superpowered genius who was an all-powerful magician and time-travelling quantum physicist who could bend time and space to his will and was also the world's greatest ninja."

Silver then chugs a Monster™ Zero-Ultra™ Energy Beverage (literally this happens), does some more reflecting on what a benevolent genius he is (literally this happens), then he goes back to the barn, where the assembled ponies all cheer him (naturally). The scene ends with Trixie being left to reflect upon how foolish she was to ever try to be Glimmer's friend. Hopefully Silver "ingestion takes too long, just put the semen in a glucose bag and hook it up to my veins" Star will find it in his magnanimous heart to forgive her.

Anyway, there's an epilogue to all this but fortunately it's only a couple of paragraphs. It basically is the big reveal for why Silver "I can literally go fuck myself" Star and his fuck-buddies that all look like him were ransacking Twilight's home, in case anyone is still reading and still cares (doubtful). As I mentioned before, they are attempting to install a hot tub into her home without her permission, because that makes sense. The chapter concludes with one of the clones exclaiming that he would like to "get a picture of her reaction" when she gets home and discovers what they did. I'll admit, I would be curious to see that reaction too, although frankly I'd be more curious to see her reaction to the surveillance footage from Applejack's barn.

>>4278
I am starting to think that this is Nigel's attempt at reverse psychology. In actuality, he loves Glimmer and communism but he is trying to do some kind of insider sabotage. Not because I think that people that have a similar ideology as myself can't be assholes, stupid or something like that. His craziness just breaks my suspense of disbelief in real life that's all.

>>4280

>I am starting to think that this is Nigel's attempt at reverse psychology.

You are giving him way too much credit. Usually, most behavior can be explained by simple reasoning. dont go for the conspiracy theories when you can just slap him on his ass.

as far as i could tell during the material i could find, Nigel has a history with disrupting and antagonizing himself against other communities. allegedly, he was active on MLPchan and did much of the same there before he was expelled. He later went on to reddit, just to get banned from there as well. IF he is only pretending to be a functional retard (which i highly doubt), this has been an OPs that has been going on for the better part of the last 3-4 years, largely offsite.

after being exposed to Nigel and his filth for a year now i can say he lacks the brain cells to pull something like that off. And even if he did, he would have gained very little but the scorn of some random pony losers on the internet. Nigel is a selfmade Internet Leper with a rat tail of A-logs.

>>4280
>Nigel is ironically this bad
Sorry, not buying it. There's far too much 'dialogue' and 'discussion' to cite and indicate that he is quite literally that bad, outside of a diabolical scheme. No sense blaming artifice when stupidity is so evident.

>>4278
>>4111
>>4120
>>4222

Lol I'm Canadian now.

Probably the most disturbing thing about this character is his extreme megalomania. The issue here is not only his blatant disregard for the feelings and general well-being of the ponies around him, but the distorted lens he sees everything through. In his mind, he genuinely seems to believe that he is not only behaving morally, but righteously. The thought never even crosses his mind that he might not have the automatic right to act as judge, jury and executioner in the case of Ponykind v. Starlight Glimmer, regardless of what she might have done. It never even crosses his mind that Twilight might not like having her house broken into and remodeled without permission. It never occurs to him either that maybe he shouldn't murder his girlfriend's protege, or that maybe having her only real friend taken away will hurt Trixie, or that at the very least if he's going to torture poor Glimmy maybe he shouldn't do it in front of a room full of ponies who probably aren't accustomed to witnessing that level of brutality. You even included the CMC in that scene ffs; did the thought even cross Silver's (or your) mind that maybe he shouldn't be brutalizing a defenseless pony in front of impressionable foals? No, not even once. He doesn't actually kill Glimmer, but the thought clearly crosses his mind and he sadistically dangles the idea in front of her, and probably sees his choosing not to go through with it as an act of magnanimity that others should praise him for.

The irony is, all of this could actually make him an interesting character in the hands of a competent writer, particularly if he wanted to write something dark and edgy. I could see Silver being a character similar to Patrick Bateman; a wealthy killer who looks at the world through the distortions of lunacy. The trouble is, Silver is written without even a hint of irony or awareness; you're just as oblivious to the insanity of his behavior as he is. His sadistic treatment of Glimmer is completely justified to you. His invasion of Twilight's privacy to you seems like a sweet romantic gesture. The fact that you had Twilight inexplicably excuse herself from the party so that she was conveniently absent during the worst of the fight scene indicates that you have some dim inkling that his actions might not be well received, but it never seems to register in either of your minds as being actually wrong. Silver doesn't want Twilight to see what he does to Glimmer, but it isn't because he's trying to shield her or spare her feelings, he just doesn't want it to interfere with his romantic pursuit of her. As soon as he traps Glimmer in an alternate dimension, the next thought on his mind is surprising Twilight with her new hot tub.

Really, if one can ignore how shitty your writing is and all the logical inconsistencies and continuity errors and general awfulness of this story, and take everything in it at face value, the only rational conclusion one can draw is that not only is your hero actually the villain, he is probably the most dangerous villain in Equestria. He has an absurd level of magical power, is demonstrably capable of excessive cruelty, is almost completely oblivious to the emotions of others, has a god complex, has nearly unlimited wealth and resources, and seems able to rationalize even the most heinous deeds into acts of heroism or love. Villains like Sombra, Tirek, Queen Chrysalis, and the like behave fairly predictably. Their motivations are pretty much the standard "I'm evil and do evil because I'm evil" routine that can only exist in cartoons and melodrama. Silver "o mighty Thor please pound me in the pooper" Star, by contrast, lives in a world of perpetual delusion. He believes he's a hero sent to rid the world of tyrants and commies and whatever the fuck else he deems fit for removal, and he doesn't care what he has to do in order to remove them.

Ironically, the idea of justice you present in this story is closer to Antifa's "I can punch Nazis because they're Nazis" logic than it is to any sort of right-wing or conservative ideal. As much time as you spend dissecting and redissecting Glimmer's ideology of "Equalism", you never really clarify what it is exactly that Silver believes in. He clearly advocates some kind of free-market capitalism, but his views on law and order are never really discussed. He seems to at least verbally express respect for Celestia and her right to rule, yet he has no problem bypassing Celestia's rule and passing judgement on a pony that Celestia's own protege, and a Princess in her own right, chose to forgive and accept as protege herself. Even if Glimmer were guilty of everything you accuse her of (once again I'd like to point out that most of it is just your autistic headcanon), and if her repentance of these acts had not actually been genuine, shouldn't she be brought before Celestia and Twilight to be judged by proper authority in light of this new information? Silver just takes it upon himself to punish her and doesn't even fucking tell Twilight about it. This isn't even frontier justice; at least there you have a criminal being condemned and sentenced by the consensus of the community. This is just one crazy unicorn going around beating the fuck out of everyone he doesn't like for no better reason than that he can.

>>4283
Oh shit, do you have custom flags now, or are you using a VPN?

>>4284
I believe that he is probably in Canada. It sounds like that to me atleast when he says: "
Lol I'm Canadian now." I can't put my finger on why right now though.

>>4285
I mean, he could just be channeling the leafy-green magic in order to piss off Nigel further. But yeah, if he is actually in the country now, enjoy your time and stick to the forested regions over the metropolitan regions.

>>4283
>the idea of justice you present in this story is closer to Antifa's "I can punch Nazis because they're Nazis" logic than it is to any sort of right-wing or conservative ideal

The irony is beyond the pale. Holy fuck. All this time talking mad shit about commie scum, and he acts almost exactly like them. It's almost like, he has less in common with the majority of the right wing and more in common with the enemy.

>>4286
Well, if he is channeling the >leaf magic, he has my blessings as a high priest of shitposting. I only ask that he returns it before the next new moon, as the magic's requirements demand.

>>4287
Now now, you only say that cuz you're an SJW-leddit-glimmernigger-commie. If you were really right wing, you'd realize the superiority of his position.

>>4288
>>4283
Lending my Burger energy through the power of the eternally bickering siblings.

INB4: Glimmernigel returns with >A FUCKING LEAF and DotR memes.

>>4288
A week and a half? Should be enough time to finish reviewing this chapter.

Jokes aside, I'm hoping that Glim!Glam decides to go back to the beginning of the fic and work forward, then give a sort of summary or analysis with this newfound context. Then the old fics if anyone's archived 'em. I've been thinking about where we're gonna get our keks if he deleted his whole fimfic, hope someone archived it all

>>4291
Your respect of the shitposting arts, and your dedication, have pleased me. Allow me to bestow upon you a small gift, in return.

Tis a tale as old as the 'Net itself,
Purging cyberspace of your works,
But in Fimfarchive's vast digital shelf,
This dream is squashed, like a Turk.

>>4278
>Your Hero is the Most Morally Reprehensible Character in Your Entire Story
I know you skimmed over it but I feel like this part deserves a little more emphasis on this point. Thanks for laying out the general flow so I can skip massive chunks of this verbal puke and just use searches.

>They're disgusted by what you've done. They're disgusted by what you ARE Glimmer!
As always this sums up everyone's reaction to reading this Silver Shitfest.

>Do you hunt down ponies worse than you, if you can find any?
Because in a universe where friendship and forgiveness is the universal concept what matters is making sure to murder or maim other ponies would definitely be something that her tutor Twilight and Celestia would approve of. Even though Starlight has already shown that she learned using force is not the answer and proved it in Shadow Play II.

>No, you’re dancing around with your new best friend, some pathetic charlatan, the only pony who sucks almost as much as you, while-”
Of course to Silver by mere guilt by association, Trixie is nearly just as bad as Starlight in Silver's eyes even though she has done nothing even close to what Starlight has done and had already turned over a new leaf with an apologetic tour when she met Starlight.

>“Don’t talk about my friend like that!” Glimmer
>As if he was catching a sword with two hooves, Silver grabbed Glimmer’s face and slammed her into the dirt, cancelling her spell. “NEVER!” He screamed, lifting her up and slamming her down again, face first. “INTERRUPT! ME!” He shouted, punching her hard where her jaw met the upper part of her head.
>“Now,” Silver said in a calmer manner, “As I was SAYING...
And here for the crime of speaking up to defend her friend, which demonstrates that she has indeed even started to learn the core fundamentals of Equestrian principles for this SIN of speaking over Silver she is brutally assaulted by this disgusting megalomaniac OC.

>>4292
I shouldn't be seeing this as much, but my immediate mental background music was this:
https://youtu.be/5Dq01x-oxWM

This entire lolcow-milking session has been a damn journey. It's more of an honor than it should be, to receive such a splendid gift.

>>4293
Thank you, you've helped me to realize a glaring issue
>>Do you hunt down ponies worse than you, if you can find any?
>Because in a universe where friendship and forgiveness is the universal concept what matters is making sure to murder or maim other ponies would definitely be something that her tutor Twilight and Celestia would approve of.
This illustrates the point; Nigel (and Silver "cruising for an anal bruising" Star by proxy) thinks he knows better than every pony in Equestria. Princesses be damned, forget the elements of harmony, Friendship is Magic (it IS a FiM fic,... right?), everything else.

This story is a FiM fic in name only, just so that Nigel can posture himself as better than everyone and everypony.
>inb4 I'm diagnosed with ligma XDDD

>>4291
>>4292
I doubt he'll delete it, his ego is too large to erase his masterwork, along with the two or three positive comments it got, which he probably reads over and over while masturbating. We could spend the next decade shitting on him and he still wouldn't admit that his story sucks. Still it's good to have this for posterity or "just in case".

>>4283
>Silver "o mighty Thor please pound me in the pooper" Star
>Silver "check it out lol I am now literally a flaming faggot" Star
>Silver "You know what to insert here by now so hurry up and do it" Star
>Silver "my cavernous punished rectum is a void from which even light cannot escape" Star
>Silver "it is literally impossible to rape me because I will never say no to anything you want to shove up my ass, but I'll still pretend not to like it if that's what you want" Star
>Silver "I can deepthroat an entire eggplant" Star
>Silver "pound my butt at the speed of light" Star
>Silver "somepony literally fist this character to death I'm not even joking anymore" Star
>Silver "cruising for an anal bruising" Star
Now this is quality writing.

>Silver "Semen Please Daddy" Star
>Silver "I don't care if your dick has Zebra shit on it I want it in my mouth" Star
>Silver "Help Me I Am Literally Drowning In Cum" Star
>Silver "genie of the weenie" Star
>Silver "hot cross my buns" Star
>Silver "Squeeze me I'm full of custard" Star
>Silver "You know what on second thought don't help me, just give me more cum" Star
>Silver "Mrrmphrrrgarblgarblgarbl that's the sound I make when choking on half-breed donkey cock" Star
>Silver "Mommy Dressed Me Like A Filly When I Was a Colt and This is How I Turned Out" Star
>Silver "Ho ho ho I am Santa Claus, get it? It's because there is semen all over my face and it looks like a beard" Star
>Silver "I'm not even going to give him a nickname this time as his real name is literally synonymous with sucking cock" Star
>Silver "Fuck My Ponut Until it Tears At The Seams, Resembling A Leaky Raspberry Jam Filled Donut that has been stepped on" Star
>Silver "I want you to pump my asshole like you've been wandering in the desert and just found one of those old timey water pumps and are desperately trying to get water out of it" Star
>Silver "seriously, I am a colossal faggot have you figured this out yet" Star
>Silver "I will suck your dick so hard you will literally turn inside out" Star
>Silver "pound my asshole until my hips break" Star
>Silver "I'm like a wine connoisseur but with penises instead of wine" Star
>Silver "Rock Out With Your Cock In My Ass" Star
>Silver "I came to kick ass and chew bubble gum and suck thousands of dicks and not do the first two things" Star
>Silver "fuck my throat until the choker breaks, then put it back on and fuck me again" Star
>Silver "can you please get this bowling pin out of my ass doctor I have to poop, put it back in when I'm done though please" Star
>Silver "can you get AIDS from French kissing a male camel's butthole? asking for a friend) Star
>Silver "grab me by my flanks and launch me into orbit, Rocket Man" Star
>Silver "fist me Daddy" Star and his Silver "there's ten of us now so let's make an equine centipede" Spares
>Silver "yummy cummy in my tummy" Star
>Silver "if this van's a rockin it's what I'm suckin cock in" Star
>Silver "just stick it in, the cum from the last guy is lube enough" Star
>Silver "fist my asshole and use me as a boxing glove to fight Antifa, it's literally all I'm good for" Star
>Silver "are people still laughing at these?" Star
(every fucking time)
>Silver "I'm so Reddit I drew a Pickle Rick face on my dick to surprise my dad" Star
>Silver "I'm not gay I just suck a lot of zebra dick" Star
>Silver "hot cross my buns" Star
>Silver "I swallow if I'm thirsty" Star
>Silver "my gaping, ruined anus can literally be used to play skeeball" Star
>Silver "Down on the Docks is Where I Hunt for Cocks" Star
>Silver "your scrotum is my lucky totem" Star
>Silver "I got an infection from that last beef injection" Star
>Silver "I can't resist throbbing beefy dong either though" Star
>Silver "I think Dan Harmon is actually a pretty great guy" Star
> Silver "put a saddle on me and ride me to the gay bar" Star
>Silver "Starpunch" Star
>Silver "I can fit a whole pineapple in my rectum wanna see?" Star
>Silver "I'm a mare trapped in a stallion's body" Star
>Silver "Self-insert? What's that? I dont care just insert it into me" Star
>Silver "oh shit I'm out of butt lube and the butt lube store is closed today this is the worst Christmas ever" Star
>Silver "Tell the Doc I crave the cock" Star
>Silver "does this dildo in my ass make my ass look fat?" Star
There should be a medal for these kinds of demigod-tier shitposts.

>>4283
I feel a bit sad you have reached the end of the chapter. I hope we get to hear what happens next (seen from your point of view).

>>4283
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>>4222

9. Chapter 6 - Summation and Final Thoughts

Well, I have now officially read all 32,223 words of this particular selection, and am ready to offer my final verdict:

Put simply, this blows. The issues with this chapter alone, both in terms of its technical construction and its overall literary value, are so numerous I could probably devote twice as many posts to it as I already have and still not even scratch the surface of just how atrocious this story is. The narrative is clumsy and confusing, and reads like an unrevised first draft (which I assume is exactly what it is). You frequently contradict yourself, or randomly introduce new elements into the story without offering explanation. Characters enter and remove themselves from scenes for no reason other than to help move the story in a direction that you want it to go, regardless of whether or not it makes any sense. Most characters are just cardboard cutouts of themselves with no depth whatsoever.

For instance, you construct a scene in which Pinkie Pie throws a party for Twilight at Silver's behest, to which everypony is invited (summoned?). From the beginning of the scene, you never even make it clear whether or not Twilight is attending her own party, or how she got where she is, or what she's doing. You mention her not being there, then all of a sudden she's there, then all of a sudden she's not anymore. Why is she wandering in and out of this barn party? What are her reactions to the fragments of events she witnesses? You make it clear that she isn't present during the fight scene, but her location for most of the party is unclear. At one point we see her "smiling proudly" as she watches Silver and Glimmer apparently making nice after Silver, alarmingly, attacks her out of nowhere. She is not mentioned again until nearly the end of the fight scene, where you simply state that she "wasn't there."

Your handling of the crowd of townsponies during this scene is equally confusing. At one point you mention a spell being cast on them by Silver, but it's never clear just what he does. At one point it sounds as if the spell somehow amplifies their emotions and makes them angrier at Glimmer. However, in a later paragraph you mention the spell somehow holding back the other ponies and preventing them from interfering, implying they might want to. Which is it? The only thing that remains consistent is, no matter what your OC does, they always cheer him for it. The CMC are apparently playing Go Fish throughout this whole scene and ignoring it, making them, apart from Glimmer, probably the most sensible characters in your entire story.

I've already gone into pretty exhaustive detail about your insensitive handling of the show's main (mane?) cast, so I won't dwell too much on it here, but I do want to reinforce a couple of important points. You set up Twilight as Silver's love interest but also make it abundantly clear that Silver has almost no respect for her intelligence or judgement. The narrative basically reduces her to a tittering schoolfilly who spends her leisure time doodling Silver's name on her notebook over and over. Even though her official title in Equestria is Princess of Friendship, and she has assumed responsibility for Glimmer's reformation in that capacity, Silver apparently sees no issue with expelling Glimmer from the universe on the basis of her past crimes, dismissing Twilight's views as "naive" without bothering to even consult her about it. As far as I can tell, Silver basically sees Twilight as just a QT 3.14 with a nice plot I'm not saying she isn't mind you, but if that's all you're going to treat her as you might as well just write porn, and the lack of apparent awareness you write him with suggests that this is basically your view as well. It's interesting that in a story where you repeatedly exalt your own character's struggles and accomplishments, and seem to be pushing a moral that hard work is the only path to success, you have that same character behave so dismissively to the struggles and accomplishments of his love interest. At the absolute least he could have asked her if she even wanted a damn hot tub before he tore all the plumbing out of her house, Jesus Christ that is some next level autism.

To summarize, this fanfiction is basically just a bad story that is written badly. The whole thing is just a rambling, incoherent narrative that glorifies your OC and pays little attention to the universe and characters of the source material. Your handling of every scene is clumsy and insincere, and the text spends about two thirds of its length being a Reddit-tier political treatise that just rehashes the same basic points over and over. About the only thing you pay any serious attention to is your autistic world mechanics; magic and Extreme Gear and all that horse shit that Protip: nobody but you cares about. Learn to actually write these characters and this world before you go trying to add elements to it.

Anyway, I originally just wanted to troll you a little, write up a couple of snarky posts pointing out some of the more obvious defects in your writing, and move on with my life. However, as I stated earlier, I am now fascinated by this train wreck you call your body of work. Since you have repeatedly stated in these threads that it is not possible to give your magnum opus a fair ANALysis without having read the whole thing, that is precisely what I am going to do.

The overture has concluded. Join us next time, everypony, as we begin our true deconstruction of Silver Star Apple and the Search for More Money, Love, The Meaning of Life, and Magical Cards. And by all means, anyone with the interest to do so is free to also read the text and submit their own thoughts. I'd like it if we could turn this thread into sort of a book club/rountable discussion on writing, maybe even inspire each other to do some writefagging ourselves.

Before we get too far into Silver Apple Star and the Search For Rice Krispy Squares and Hard Sweaty Butt Sodomy, or whatever the title is, I want to provide some background on Nigel's overall body of work.

This is a list of all the stories Nigel has thus far published to FiMfiction along with their associated ratings by the community:

The Last Power Fantasy: Johnny Christie ruins his own story for everyone involved
13 upvotes / 26 downvotes (66% negative)

TCB: Rewrite of 1996
19 upvotes / 55 downvotes (74% negative)

Displaced: Human In Equestria but the Human becomes Twilight Sparkle only more, also Pokemon are there
29 upvotes / 94 downvotes (76% negative)

Coral The Phoenix and The Caged Bird
7 upvotes / 28 downvotes (80% negative)

And of course, the masterwork, Silver Star Apple and the Search for More Money, Love, The Meaning of Life, and Magical Cards. Ironically, this pile of dogshit is apparently Nigel's most popular work, racking up an impressive 41 upvotes, compared to a mere 44 downvotes (51% negative). Congratulations, Nigel, maybe one day you'll beat the spread.

Hilariously enough, Nigel is also a member of the following groups:
>The Decent Writers Club
>Parody of Overpowered OCs
>Why in the heck doesn't anypony appreciate OC's?
>Bronies With Blades
>Good OCs
>Undertale (every fucking time)
>Best Stories Ever
>Authors Against Harsh Critics

Oh, sweetie.

>>4302
This 100k word firewood is somehow listed as Romance, Slice of life and Comedy. Did anyone see anything funny in what he wrote like a completely series lecture over communism barely even letting Starlight have a word in before burying her in more long winded berating and that's even without the sadism. Even his attempts at humor falls on it's face, but political 'debates' (which gives him more credit than it's due because it wasnt a debate )is what I look for in a quality comedy.

It speaks volumes when Nigel only thinks the merit of good writing are just more to slog through for the reader when it's always been said the soul of wit is in brevity.

I'm sure the dislike ratio will drop through the floor after people read chapter 6. Maybe it could have avoided it's fate before hand and starting out at sea was all naive and wishful thinking before the Silver "I can fit that whole ice burg inside me" Star became nothing more than a mouthpiece for his own ego and sank this Titanic of a fimfic.

>>4301
I have in fact been thinking about posting a review thread on this site for a while now. I am almost done with my review that I thought I would post on it. The review is about the episode: "It's about time".
I also think that would be great anyway.

All the ocs that populated the rich land that was mlpol had gathered. The firstborn had returned, SilverFagot!Star

>>4301
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Chapter 1: The Silver Spire of Curved Monkey Penises

>His eyes drifted toward the other book, a fantasy novel, a trashy and derivative piece of genre fiction. He'd like to say he didn't know why he was still reading this trash, but he knew perfectly well. He wanted to know everything about this book, he wanted to read it all, and then he wanted to lock it away somewhere and never read it again. If he ran into any fans of this book, he wanted to be able to launch himself into a ten-minute rant about this book. He hated this book, but after seventeen chapters of garbage, simply giving up would be like... well, simply giving up.
Welcome to my world, Silver. Welcome to my world.

This story actually starts off somewhat promising, so clearly you need to add "tragedy" to your list of genre tags. We are immediately introduced to Coffee Grounds, a coffee-colored unicorn with a white mane and tail that resembles whipped cream. He is a somewhat lazy businesspony who owns an unsuccessful but well-situated coffee shop that he is trying to sell. His personality is that he basically enjoys making money but has little interest in his work; his talent is making coffee but he has never taken it particularly seriously. Most of the work gets delegated to subordinates, so the business has never taken off despite being in a prime location. However, he imagines that he can probably sell it at a good profit and coast on the money for a bit.

Congratulations, Nigel: you have just created your first decent character. His concept and design is silly, but not unintentionally so like with Silver "I have second degree burns inside my rectum because I was curious what would happen if I put a piping hot Arby's™ Jalapeno Popper up there" Star; he's just mildly silly in a way that would fit into the universe of the series. You clearly establish a personality and a basic motivation for him. His goals are believable and in sync with his character. He seems like the type of pony who has some bad habits and negative traits, but nothing so awful it would turn a reader against him immediately. He is a somewhat frivolous but likeable pony with room to improve. This is a well-made character; I would read a story about Coffee Grounds.

Sadly, it all goes downhill from there. After a brief scene in which there is some confusion over an appointment, we learn that the pony Coffee Grounds is going to try to sell his shop to is none other than Silver "forget about the second degree burns, if I don't get a cucumber in my rectum before noon I will literally start having panic attacks" Star. Naturally, our first introduction to Silver immediately paints him as a colossal douchebag. We find him in the penthouse office of his personal skyscraper, reading a book on magic (and also a trashy fantasy novel, his impressions of which are quoted above). We learn that he has apparently been reading for the last 17 hours, but only 6 have passed, due to his ability to slow down time or something.

There's some back and forth between Silver and his Griffon secretary about whether or not he may actually be too awesome for his own good, and the various types of ennui he's developing from his adversaries not being awesome enough to provide him a slight challenge before he vanquishes them anyway. He is introduced to us as a self-made billionaire and super genius who spends most of his time and energy on esoteric magical pursuits, and seems to enjoy grifting wealthy ponies whom he perceives as intellectually beneath him, which as far as I can tell is part of how he built his fortune (rather negating some of his later speeches about earning his fortune through hard work, imo). Basically, this character is introduced to us as Tony Stark without all of the things that make Tony Stark sympathetic. Also, he seems to have a habit of chugging some kind of magic-enhancing elixir that concerns his secretary.

Anyway, this is followed by a rather long and complicated sequence of events in which Silver "okay so the cucumber seems to have ruptured my burns and now I have an extremely painful infection up there, but if you think that will stop me from having butt sex you obviously don't know me very well" Star does a bunch of magical acrobatics to transport himself across the street to where his meeting is. I personally think this scene is a bit long and complicated, but you clearly want to demonstrate Silver's magic abilities and his cocky desire to show them off, so I guess it's kind of a judgement call whether to scale it back or not. As an action sequence it's not bad.

Well, to make a long story short he then crashes through the window and makes a rather theatrical entrance that annoys the ponies he's meeting with, apparently this is deliberate and meant to reinforce the fact that he's a complete douche. At least he repairs the window. The meeting is between himself and three ponies: Coffee Grounds, and two others whose names I have trouble remembering, Lemon Pledge and Comet™ Bathroom Cleaner With Bleach I think, or something to that effect. I'm assuming they're just throwaway characters anyway.

I'm assuming the meeting is a fairly important scene for this part of the story and will probably have numerous instances of supreme douchery from Silver "oh god I wasn't kidding about these infected rectal burns being painful but Jesus H. Christ do I ever enjoy sodomy" Star, that will need to be catalogued and memed, so I will save it for the next post.

Pic related is a character I've christened Onion Hulk as I don't know who he really is or why he exists; after Coffee Grounds he is my favorite character you have yet created.

>>4128
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Alright, so we're maybe about a third of the way into Chapter One and already we have a prime example of Silver "how many calories are in dog semen? asking for a friend" Star behaving like an utterly reprehensible douchebag. Apparently deciding that the three ponies he's kept waiting (he gave all three of them an appointment at the same time and then kept them all waiting for several hours) are not worth even this much of his time, he uses his magic to construct separate livestock pens for each one (not making this up), and then sends clones of himself in with each one to handle the actual meetings. He then sits down and continues to read his book, which I assume is some kind of instruction manual on how to become even more of an insufferable mongoloid, while conducting the meetings simultaneously via some form of telepathy (not making this up).

So anyway, it looks like we're dealing with Comet Ping Pong first. Apparently Comet is being blackmailed by somepony and wants Silver "literally shove patio furniture up my ass" Star to fix it for him. He offers money, which naturally Silver finds insulting. Silver brags about how rich he is for a while, taking the time to mention that he invests his money instead of just sitting on it, because apparently he's the first pony in Canterlot to have thought of that (wait, you can get rich by investing money? I thought you were just supposed to hoard it like a lake troll. teach me your ways, Alan Greenspan!). After that, he informs Comet Wang that his price is that he wants to literally own him, including his home, his inheritance, his title (apparently he's a Prince or something) and replace him with a clone of himself (or something).

Oh, this is rich:
>“You lost your right to call yourself a Prince when you did something even young foals know not to do. I've seen pictures of your wife, and she's adorable. She also doesn't seem like a legitimately terrible pony, so tell me, what possessed you to betray her trust – and betray her – like this?”
Apparently, the whole issue here is that Comet "betrayed" his wife by pawning her jewelry to buy collectible action figures, and the blackmailer is threatening to expose him. I'll admit that's actually a funny gag, so good job there, but the trouble is it's not really an evil enough act to justify how shitty Silver behaves. What I assume we're supposed to take away from this scene is that Silver is meant to be some type of Chaotic Good rogue-type character who enriches himself by scamming others, but it's okay because the people he scams are scoundrels themselves. We're all supposed to laugh at how clever he is and applaud his exploits, while taking satisfaction in the comeuppances he inflicts upon his marks. While this type of character is a time-tested and popular archetype, the challenge with it is you have to make your rogue likeable. Put simply, if you're going to have Silver behave like even more of an obnoxious douche than the people he scams, it doesn't work.

In any case, as we saw in our sneak peek at Chapter 6, Silver treats mares pretty badly himself, and is probably not a pony who is in any position to be whiteknighting. And yet he goes on:
>Relationships are about communication and mutual understanding. Not some foalish zero-sum game where whoever apologizes first loses and whoever has more power over the other and gets away with being terrible to the other more often wins!
And there you have it, folks. A lecture on how to build a successful marriage from a character who will eventually burglarize his girlfriend's house in order to make improvements to it that she didn't ask for, after sending a pony she'd adopted as a personal protege into another dimension without bothering to consult her about it. Moving on.

Anyway, Silver offers Comet a metaphorical deal with the devil, in which he can choose to either give up his cushy life in Canterlot and start a new life with his wife in alternate-timeline Manehattan, or take his chances with the blackmailer. We leave him pondering for a bit, and move on to Coffee Grounds' interview. We also get a short interlude paragraph in which Silver chuckles to himself about how stupid Coffee Grounds appears to be and gets annoyed with how his clones aren't performing quite as he'd like them to.

Oh, one small thing:
>It was irritating to note that the replica hadn't blinked once, the entire time, and it made Silver wonder if he remembered to have the other replicas blink. Like finding a typo in your work you had once failed to notice, it was irritating in a way nothing else could possibly match.
I would just like to mention that I have come across multiple typos in this work.

>>4308
>>4309
I don't know how much you have left to post, but it should be capped, for the sake of posterity. Other people should be made aware of Nigel's fuckups and your insight into them.

>>4045
I really liked your work, don't let hater sjw's tell you how to write man.

>>4309
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>"So as you can see, Mr Star... may I call you Silver?" Coffee asked with a wide grin.
>"You may not." Silver said flatly, staring at the businesspony with his barely-interested, unblinking ice-blue eyes that seemed far too old, cold and wise for his young-adult age.
>pic related
Daily reminder that if your fanfic OC is young, is described as having any sort of spiky anime hair, has stats maxed out in multiple areas significant to the world you're in, is capable of feats that would prove challenging or impossible to the most talented canonical characters, and is considered "wise beyond his years," you probably have a (G)(M)ary S(t)u(e) and should consider scrapping the story and heading back to the drawing board.

So anyway when we last left Silver "don't call me Silver my name is Lady Marmalade, the Eternal Chugger of Cum" Star, he had finally deigned to interview a much better-designed character by the name of Coffee Grounds, who is giving a presentation on his business that Silver is not even remotely interested in listening to, no doubt because he is too busy dreaming about creamy buttered mustang penises. The meeting is used briefly as a framing device for spoonfeeding the reader a large portion of Silver's backstory, in which we basically learn what we already knew about him: he's rich, suspiciously powerful, extremely lucky, and pretty much a cum gargling faggot. The spoonfeeding ends with a rant about how overpriced and poorly run CG's coffee shop is:
>...these fools, who had squandered such a great location with mediocre and VASTLY overpriced coffee that drove away anypony who didn't somehow convince themselves that the generic 'Black fancy chairs in one corner, wooden tables on the whole left wall, walled-off food counter with workers behind it and an easily-changeable chalkboard for prices, orange lighting with black and brown highlights on the room's colour scheme' ambiance was worth the outrageous prices... These fools were not worthy of owning a business.
I assume this suspiciously detailed description of a coffee shop is probably in here because some hipster coffee joint overcharged you for a latte or something IRL. Or, maybe you just hate coffee shops in general. Everything you write seems to either be a revenge fantasy or a regular fantasy that reads like one.

And oh God, you just won't stop with the unintentional irony:
>I once read a certain work of fiction, when I was bored, and it starred a supposedly intelligent protagonist. To make this supposed intelligence clear enough to the audience the writer expected his books to have, the writer decided to remind you how intelligent he considered this character every five lines. That's what it felt like, at least. To make matters worse, the character himself, as though constantly peacocking for an invisible audience, kept reminding every other character in the story what a 'Genius' he considered himself.
But holy shit you just keep going:
>Unfortunately, this character was stupid, and he only seemed intelligent because outside of a few rare puzzle-solving moments of ingenuity, he was only the smartest character in a world of idiots. He was boring to read, boring to watch, he was annoying, and he was utterly unlikable. There was never any tension, because this character would constantly get bailed out by pure dumb luck and conveniences upon conveniences if his own wit combined with the writer's wit couldn't hack it. He had no ponifying moments, beyond the obvious and stereotypical ones, and while fans may argue his unbearable personality was a front to cover his insecurities, the writer certaintly didn't seem to be going for that at the time, but I'm sure he'd happily accept the credit for such a great get-out-of-ponifying-characters-free card. He constantly wasted time trying to validate the chips on his shoulders, and his own stereotypical physical deficiencies by rubbing his supposed intelligence in the face of every character who'd let him, and it was just downright unpleasant to read. So I'll skip the part where I'd planned to do that on the way here, you'll skip the part where you'll make that necessary, and I'll get to the other two, who have far more interesting backstories.

This is all dialog spoken by Silver btw, and none of it is even relevant to the conversation at hand. He just blurts this out for no reason. It's like your subconscious is trying to force its way into your conscious mind and tell you something about what you're writing and why you probably shouldn't keep writing it.

Anyway, CG makes an offer that is probably a highball figure, but instead of negotiating in the normal way until a fair price is reached, Silver makes an insultingly low offer, which CG naturally has no choice but to accept because hey, it's not like any of the other moneyed elites in Canterlot are going to be interested in buying a piece of valuable real estate, amirite? Anyway, he sells his coffee shop for 25 bits (down from 2500) and is out of the story.

>>4313
>Silver makes an insultingly low offer, which CG naturally has no choice but to accept
>He sells his coffee shop for 25 bits (down from 2500) and is out of the story.
For some perspective on how much of an asshole move this is (and a reminder to research your material you're going to write for) 8 bits can buy a basket of apples from Applejack in Season 1. So Silver "I need all the bits for myself stacked up as a towering golden dildo for personal use" Star thinks an entire business shop is worth 3 baskets of apples. Insulting low offer is putting it too lightly, but everyone is a spineless doormat in this universe so the OC can shine over everyone else.

>>4313
>It's like your subconscious is trying to force its way into your conscious mind and tell you something about what you're writing and why you probably shouldn't keep writing it.
Kek
Nigel's subconscious is like: "WAKE ME UP INSIDE! I CAN'T WAKE UP!"

>>4313
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>>4222

Next up is Lemon Bar, who apparently is one of any number of farmers who were swindled out of their family farms by Silver "it's not really grifting if you condescend to them and call them stupid also I suck cock lol" Star, who apparently bought up a fuckton of them and is now running some sort of Monsanto type factory-farming operation all across Equestria. Silver naturally justifies this by insulting Lemony Goodness and telling him that he sucks at business, basically because he and his family wanted to take weekends off and sell their products at prices below the level of extortion.

Before we go any further, I just want to once again say that this character is just awful. He's not just badly designed and badly written, he's a genuinely bad person (pony?). You seem to want him to be sympathetic and even heroic but it's almost as if you yourself are so lacking in basic decency that you don't even realize just how reprehensible his actions are, and expect everybody reading to chuckle along with you while Silver "oh yeah pound more shekels up my ass Mr. Shekelberg" Star just goes around cheating ponies and making fun of how stupid he thinks they are.

This character's whole backstory, as I understand it, is that he is supposed to be a self-made billionaire who started with nothing and rose quickly to the top on the strength of elbow grease and wits. You describe him as a cunning businesspony who uses his genius business acumen to cheat the ponies who deserve it and reap the profits as a reward, sort of an ethical rogue as I described earlier. However, thus far you haven't demonstrated that at all with him. So far we haven't seen him going after gangsters or shady businessponies or even low-level crooks. At this point in the story all we know about him for certain is that he performed some kind of hostile takeover on a family farm (which he justifies by calling the farmer lazy and stupid, and insisting that he didn't "deserve" to run his farm). We see him extort a pony who comes to him for help dealing with a blackmailer, essentially forcing him to trade his identity and his title in exchange for keeping a relatively minor transgression a secret. Moreover, Silver justifies this by acting like he's teaching him some kind of lesson about appreciating his wife and having a better relationship with her, however it would have been better for him to just go home, confess what he'd done and try to work out their differences. Nopony learned anything from that encounter yet Silver profited and acted like he did something noble.

Last we have Coffee Grounds, whose only real crime was being lazy and running his business poorly. However he was still the rightful owner of the property he was selling and deserved a fair price for it, how well he ran the business on it shouldn't have mattered. After all, Silver was basically buying the location and getting the shop for free, and it's pretty obvious that Silver has plenty of cash to throw around and will be able to turn a profit one way or the other.

So far, as much as we've heard about Silver's vaunted work ethic, as well as his heroic exploits fighting cattle rustlers and whatever the fuck else, we really haven't seen him do anything besides sit on his ass reading books while getting rich off the misfortunes of others, then berating them for being stupid. This really is one of the most unpleasant heroes I've ever encountered in any story, mostly because he's written without any level of irony or awareness on your part of how awful he truly is.

One of my all-time favorite stories is a comic written by Ed Brubaker called The Last of the Innocent. It's a story about a truly reprehensible protagonist. Basically, he abandons his hometown and his high school sweetheart to marry a rich girl and climb the social ladder. Then, when the marriage fails, he cooks up a scheme to murder his wife, get a huge pile of money out of her father through some fancy stock manipulations, then moves back to his hometown so he can just pick up where he left off with his old girlfriend whom he dumped. He does all kinds of horrible fucked up shit for completely selfish reasons, and gets away with all of it. The thing is though, it's told brilliantly. You see everything that happens through this golden haze of childhood nostalgia that serves as the protagonist's motivation. You see the place in his mind that he wants to get back to, the innocence of his youth that he threw away to go chase money and status. He discards his new life with the same carelessness and impulsiveness that he discarded the old one with. He learns absolutely nothing, and never atones for his transgressions. It has an ending that is happy for the evil protagonist, but to anyone reading is just plain fucked up. It's honestly one of the most brilliantly written things I've ever read.

In order to tell a story about an unlikable protagonist, you have to at a minimum be conscious of who the character you're writing is, and be willing to acknowledge him as an evil bastard while still presenting events the way he sees them. You don't want to pass judgement on him but you don't want to excuse him either, the trick is to just show him as both the way he sees himself and the way he really is. You can almost think of it as watching someone through a window when they think they're alone. Your problem is you have no idea who your character is, because his worldview is your worldview, and you assume it's the audience's view as well. His cruel and callous actions to you seem heroic, the things his creepy autism compels him to do you assume will be seen as lovable quirks. There's no law against writing characters that resemble or think like you, but in order to do so you have to be able to step back and look at yourself objectively and critically, which so far you seem unable to do.

Also, read Poe if you want more well-told stories about evil MCs.

Why are (((the subversive elements))) alternating between bumping this thread and the other one?

>>4317
Maybe read some of it, Nigel, you might learn something.

>>4318
>>4317

Nigel only has a high verbal IQ, otherwise he is dumb like a box of rocks, both in literacy and socially. The sheer ignorance of his narcing ego shield him from any objective improvement the review of his workbody could provide. This whole thread is just mental toiletpaper to him. If he were to admit to his failure his whole imagined writer career would come crashing down. He has more in common with an anti trump partisan than anything else. This whole Glimmernigger conspiracy is his personal "Muh Russian Hackers" tulpa.

>>4308
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>>4316
Something tells me the first draft of this OC had him as a (((Griffon))).

>>4316
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>>4222

Anyway, let's get back to this travesty. When last we left Lemon Shower, the poor asshole was trapped in a meeting with Silver "[insert gay joke here] or better yet just insert a galvanized metal tube into my rectum to expedite hamster ingress" Star, begging for his farm back, as far as I can tell from the rather convoluted dialog. Anyway Silver, in his infinite wisdom, apparently discerns that Lemony Snickett always wanted to be an artist, so he uses his limitless cosmic power to drill knowledge into his brain, so all of a sudden he knows how to art (not making this up). Lee Lemons is so pleased by this that he cries tears of joy, thanks Silver for showing him such magnanimity, and leaves, presumably with whatever deal regarding the farm he was trying to arrange concluded in Silver's favor.

I'll remind everyone that all three of these meetings are happening simultaneously and being conducted by Silver's clones, while Silver sits off by himself somewhere, stroking his knobby horse dong to Neighponese foal porn.

Anyway, the three ponies unsurprisingly all accept Silver's contracts and lick his heavenly balsamic nutsac as thank you for the opportunity to be in the same room with him. The meetings conclude with Silver being some tiny percentage wealthier than he was before, which he celebrates by going back to his fucking personal skyscraper and bouncing around the room singing to himself about how awesome he is (not making this up).

Quoth the mighty hero:
>EAT IT! EAT EVERYTHING! EAT! GRASS! GET ON MY LEVEL, CANTERLOT! AND EVERY LAST PONY IN IT! GET! ON! MY! LEVEL! I HAVE EVERYTHING YOU EVER HAD AND EVER WILL HAVE, AND THEN SOME!

Then, he becomes seized by some profound ennui, realizing perhaps for one brief microsecond that all the wealth in Canterlot can't make him any less of a gigantic chud. In a rare moment of self-reflection, he thinks back on the events of his recent past and wonders if maybe there's more to life than what he's been doing. Naturally, he uses his magic to conjure a self-amplified electric guitar shaped like his cutie mark (not making this up) and performs an impromptu emo ballad, with clones of himself summoned to sing harmony (not making this up). I really feel like it's in everyone's best interest to include the lyrics of the song verbatim:
>"Gold has lost its lustre, just as gems have lost their shine." Silver sang, starting with a melancholy chord, air solidified by his telekinetic grip serving as the pick.
>"I'm getting bored of victory, and making everything mine.
>I've fought hard to get where I am, and I have come so far.
>Aside from the sun, which doesn't count, I shine as the brightest star.
>I've reached heights I once dreamed of, just as I once fortold!
>So why is this starry void... so cold?
>Why do I still feel this way?
>What is this void inside my heart?
>I've reached the goal I've been aiming for,
>Since my journey's start.
>I've fought to build a throne,
>And claim it for my own
>And I've done it all alone.
>I've built a brighter future,
>I've left the past behind.
>My will is steel, so why is my heart a stone?
>I've travelled so far from where I began
>My life's gone according to my plan
>I used to break locked doors, now they open for me
>I used to be alone, and I still am,
>But now I see...
[clones of himself sing harmony]
>Now I see...
>I've reached heights I once dreamed of, just as I once fortold!
>So why is this starry void... so cold?"

Aw, poor fella. Anyway, his mopings were apparently seen by his Griffon secretary (((Aquilla))), whose widdle heart just bweaks to see her awesome boss so down in the dumps.

>She looked at him with concern. “Seeing you mope around like that was painful in ways you can't even begin to imagine.” She growled. ”I can almost feel my spleen organizing betting pools on when my other organs shut down. You are a train made of win, but it's spinning its wheels and crashing into a train made of suck, I want to look away and I easily could, but it wouldn't change the fact that you're moping around like a loser and it's annoying. Go get some friends already!”

And yes, that is actual dialog. Ms. Griffonstein then demands to know who the last mare he spoke to was, Silver whips out his little black book and immediately flips to a picture of a sexy stallion I'm too classy to even touch that one, and then there's a whole paragraph of spergy nonsensical bullshit about Spitfire and the Wonderbolts, which seems to be another aspect of the show you have some irrational hatred of that you feel like blathering about...some more spergy blathering about dubstep of all things...at this point I'm just skimming text again until it resumes coherence. I think the basic gist of this is that Silver doesn't date much and tends to fail at relationships (who would have guessed).

Eventually we get some more pseudo-depth from Silver:
>“I always feel nothing,” Silver said dramatically, looking off into the distance with a somber expression. “My soul is an ever-expanding void I can sate only with that which I hunger for. Though the emptiness within me is that which drives me on, seeking out greater challenges and new tastes and other forms of fulfilment, the emptiness erodes my will to continue on with each breath, like an animal gnawing at its bars. Yet without that hunger, I am no more than a satisfied Elder Dragon, sitting on his hoard and doing nothing with it. What does it mean to desire? What does it mean to have? Does life exist to eat, or does life exist to want to eat? Are you truly alive when searching for your next meal, or when consuming it?”

Jesus Fucking Christ dude. Anyway, long story short Ms. Talonberg tells Silver to quit being a faggot and go make some friends.

>>4321
>>4111
>>4120
>>4222

So basically, long story short is, Silver "my farts don't even make noise anymore" Star decides that what's missing in his life besides an understanding of basic decency is friends, a concept which he seems to define as "ponies who stroke your dick and tell you you're great because they want to, not because they have to." Of course, he arbitrarily chooses Ponyville from a list of thousands of towns in Equestria he could possibly vacation in, and teleports himself there because fuck taking the train like a poorfag. What could possibly go wrong?

So, naturally, Silver makes an appropriately douchey entrance by appearing over Ponyville, rocketing across the sky like a comet. His supersonic hearing, which he uses to listen in on conversations to make sure ponies he doesn't know aren't talking about him, tells him that Pinkie Pie mistook his coloring for grey, which naturally pisses him off.

His first impressions of the town:
>...looking at Ponyville, he noticed a completely out-of-place crystal castle monstrosity around all the nice, normal, thematically-fitting cottage houses. He’d have to be blind to not miss it, considering how the thing was a giant eyesore.
...says the guy who built a giant phallic silver skyscraper in the middle of fucking Canterlot. Oh, wait a minute:
>Then again, he lived in a giant silver and steel tower he’d built himself in a town filled with buildings made from marble, ivory, and stone, so what right did he have to tell strange ponies to get better taste in interior and exterior decorating?
Well, I'll be jizzed on by an orangutan, a glimmer :^) of self awareness from Silver "I keep a wine cork in my anus when nopony's using it because my sphincter doesn't really work very well at this point" Star. Maybe there's hope for this tale yet.
>This right, really, since his Steel Spire was awesome and thematically fitting while not fitting, while this big crystal temple just looked weird in an old-looking town like this.
Nope, never mind, he's back to being a colossal douche.
>Like someone had found a nice diorama of a city from a hundred moons ago, and slapped down a big pink gem where their megagem turbodream megaprincess hyperbeauty infinicastle would stand.
We get it, you don't like the fucking Princess Castle Playset™ in the middle of Ponyville™; let's move on. You don't need to take common complaints from the internet and dump them into your narrative, it comes across as bitchy and annoying. Plus, everyone reading knows what you're talking about and why you're bringing it up; it's borderline breaking the fourth wall and it kills the enjoyment of reading a story. Learn to filter your thoughts.

>He turned to look at the approaching Pegasus, noting her impressive speed. Which made sense, now that he looked at her beautifully lithe and toned aerodynamic body and the pure magnificence of her strong-looking wings. With wing muscles like those, she could probably crush multiple apples with her feathers alone. Her prismatic mane was odd, but cute, a rare mutation, and despite how 'rainbow' was a collection of colours and not a colour in its own right, it seemed to suit this mare perfectly.
Well, it looks like even Silver wants to cum inside Rainbow Dash. I mean, he's going to be disappointed when he finds out she's not a dude, but still, we can hardly fault his patrician taste. Anyway, I'll grant that you can visually describe things well when you want to, you should try to emphasize that and downplay the autistic rambling in future projects. +5 for that paragraph.

>"Hey, I've heard about you!" He said, realizing who she was. The information was already there in his mind, he just wasn't really paying attention. "You saved Equestria a bunch of times, right?"
>"Yeah, but my friends helped." Rainbow humble-bragged.
>"Cool. So, what can you tell me about The Light of Harmony, or as some call it, Rainbow Power?" Silver asked.
>"Uh... not much. We got six rainbow keys, and a big tree, and we got awesome new rainbow forms-" Rainbow said.
>"What in rainbow colouration?" Silver joked, to her confusion. "Nevermind, just a bad joke," He said, deciding to write that one down later.
Aaaaaaaaand -5 for the clumsily written cringe-inducing dialog that follows. I knew we'd break even eventually. You really need to learn how to write naturally flowing dialog. Nobody talks this way; not here, not in Equestria. Instead of just using dialog as a way to get information on the page or as a means for your character to brag about himself, try thinking about how actual conversations work and try to emulate them. A good exercise would be to put two characters into a random situation and give them something mundane to talk about. Make it a scene where very little else is going on and pretty much all that the characters can do is talk. Try to avoid anything huge or earth-shattering, just write the sort of casual conversation that two ponies would have if they were just hanging out shooting the shit. Think of the conversation from the perspective of each character and try to imagine what they would likely say to each other, eventually you'll just start writing better dialog without even needing to think about it. It goes back to what I was saying earlier about thinking harder about these characters. Who are they? What do they think and feel in various situations? How do they each respectively behave if X happens? You don't even have to write it down, just think about it while you're at work or wandering around grocery shopping or whatever.

>Opens thread expecting a ton of shit
Literally pages upon pages of Nigel getting shat on
Glim you are doing god's work take a (you)

>>4322
>>4111
>>4120
>>4222
So next, after slogging our way through some awkward and cringey proto-conversation between Rainbow Dash and Silver "ejaculate directly onto the bullseye I drew on my forehead and win a prize" Star, they talk about books for a while, in an exchange of what turns out to actually be slightly better dialog. Silver of course is still a massive autistic dong, but as it turns out, one of the few times where it's appropriate to behave like a massive autistic dong is when you're sperging out about books you enjoy (or don't enjoy, as the case may be :^)). For one brief shining moment, Nigel, you actually manage to create a dialog between two characters that somewhat resembles a natural conversation those two characters might have...

...and then you ruin it by veering off into another paragraph in which Silver begins bragging incessantly about stuff he owns. Oh well, it's not like anyone didn't see that coming. Anyway, this faggot has been in Ponyville for literally less than 30 minutes and he's already hitting on Rainbow Dash. Naturally, his way of going about it is to brag about himself, in this case by telling her that he not only owns all of the companies that publish the most significant Daring Do fanzines, but also that he contributes to them (anonymously of course, so he won't be shown favoritism, although it's kind of pointless since he already knows his submissions are the most awesome and will automatically win).

Anyway, he bets Rainbow Dash 9000 bits that she can't suck off an entire hockey team faster than he can, or maybe their contest has something to do with Daring Do books, idk I wasn't really paying attention. Anyway:
>“What, nine thousand?” Rainbow asked in surprise.
Okay, I'll admit that if that joke was intentional, it was pretty funny.

Oh, also the loser of the bet has to treat the winner to a meal. Yes, everyone, you read that correctly: Silver has just attempted the literal oldest trick in the book and Rainbow is about to fall for it.

>“Scared, Rainbow Dash?” Silver asked tauntingly.
>“You wish!” She declared. “You're on!”
>“Really, if one thousand is too much, I can make it ten. What I'm really after is the meal.”
(pretty sure you just said the bet was for 9,000 btw, don't know where you're getting these numbers from)
>“Oh, really?” She asked, raising an eyebrow.
>“Yeah. What's the best place to get something to eat in this town?” He wondered...

Well, as everypony knows, Silver, the best place to get something to eat in Ponyville is the Expensivest Restaurant in Ponyville, owned by a tough-as-nails old pony named Emerald Whiskers, famed throughout the land for his emerald whiskers. Be sure to try the expensivest meal, I hear it's the tops. Just try not to wreck up the place, you gigantic mong.

And then...oh, Jesus. Jesus Christ. I...I...I just...Jesus. Reading this is like watching a slow motion train wreck, but every time you think the train is finished being wrecked, it figures out a way to get even more wrecked than it was previously. This thing is no longer even recognizable as something that was ever a train.

So, apparently, in addition to being the publisher of all the Daring Do fanzines as well as the author of all the cool enchanted interactive puzzles contained in said fanzines, Semen Star is also secretly the world's most widely respected author of Daring Do fanfiction, Silver Fox. SF is naturally also Rainbow's favorite author besides A.K. Yearling herself, who I'm surprised Silver has not yet claimed as a long-lost daughter from another dimension or some shit. Jesus H. Christ Nigel, there's going over the top for the sake of lulz or exaggeration, and then there's just being downright retarded. How does this character find the time to do all this shit? Oh, right, his fucking time manipulation ability that he figured out while he was fistfighting Dracula and teaching Einstein the theory of relativity. That apparently allows him to churn out Daring Do fanfictions (which I hope to Christ are at least marginally less shitty than what I'm reading currently) at the speed of light while conducting thousands of stock transactions per second and hollowing out the Equestrian middle class through hostile takeovers of small businesses. At this point you should not be trying to write fanfiction, you should be talking to your doctor about adjusting your Adderall regimen.

And then...Jesus Christ, I'm just going to paste this next paragraph in.
>"That's right, I'm THE Silver Fox, creator of Silver Spiked Space, False Sense of Infinity, and Imperfect Suffervoid 9X!" The nerd announced with dark glee as the sky darkened and the camera zoomed in, as though the pony was a costumed supervillain announcing that HE was the one who dumped countless tonnes of pudding mix into the ocean and stole every puppy in the world. "He who made Rain Supreme herself, the best interactive comic tester in the business, spend two hours in one room, eight hours in the next room, and four days stuck in the next, only to find she'd wasted all that time on a dead end! He who made her break down in tears and use an emergency exit password for the first time in her life, and take a two-week vacation from all interactive comics before the next interactive puzzle on her list made her rediscover what she loved about puzzles and temples, an interactive puzzle I also created, under, a false, pseudonym!" He announced, gasping for air near the end. He took a deep breath, and calmed himself. "He who made the still-unbeaten A Special Silver Variety of Velocity! He who slakes his thirst with the tears of the unworthy and feasts upon the shattered hopes and dreams of the poor tortured souls that once knew what it was like to hope!"

Needless to say, Rainbow is impressed and probably horny.

And, believe it or not, that is how the first chapter ends. We still have 4 more chapters to go. God save us all.

>>4323
Also, I accept your (you) and say thankya. Have a Fluttershy being adorable in return.

>>4321
I'm pretty much positive that this impromptu emo ballad is Nigel's attempt to mimic the show verbatim. Since the show does random songs from every character under the sun, then it's OK too for his OC to do it. Like when Chrysalis sang even though it's out of character for her. Imitating the show on the surface without having a deeper understanding of the themes is a common occurrence in this train wreck fic. He does it all the way up until Chapter 5 and 6 with Silver "I'm making motions at the 'camera' because I'm ready for my money shot" Star and tries to break the 4th wall with stupid stuff that would only work if it had an actual audience on TV instead of an actual immersive world like most FIMfiction is written.

Also he's apparently bi polar schizophrenic with split personalities, always a bad sign when you cant even keep a consistent character. That last chunk sounds like some faggot goth lamenting about his emptiness and how other people just cant 'get it' its a jarring change from his cocky asshole attitude and just seems entirely forced for him to get a 'peptalk' from his adoring (((Griffon))) who lost all her cool and calm personality the moment she started fangirling about his speed and how proud she is of him doing stupid magic parkour that goes on for way longer than it needs to.

>>4324
>>4111
>>4120
>>4222
Well Nigel, we are officially finished with Chapter 1 of your glorious epic. Before moving on, I would like to take a moment to reflect on this chapter and give some final thoughts on it.

>>4326
This anon makes a good point:
>Imitating the show on the surface without having a deeper understanding of the themes is a common occurrence in this train wreck fic.

This is exactly what bothers me about the way you write. It goes back, again, to what I've said over and over: that before you start writing, you need to have an understanding of what you want to write and why you want to write it. This story is all over the fucking place. You don't understand how to write any of these characters at all. You have a superficial understanding of the world they live in and how it works, and a basic knowledge of their personalities, but it's all just an overlay. You understand them enough to know that Rainbow Dash uses words like "cool" and "awesome", or that Pinkie Pie is generally hyperactive and will speak and behave as such, and you think you can generate a believable fictional world just from that.

You can't just describe an episode of the series the way it looks in your head and expect everyone to love it. Text is a different medium than film or animation. Some visual elements of a cartoon don't translate well into a text-only story, in the same way that some novels don't translate well into film. You also have to be willing to explore your characters a little more, you can't get away with just relying on gags and action and the assumption that the reader already knows who these ponies are. The reader doesn't want to just read some autistic kid's fantasy, they want to be told a story; they want characters they can engage with and feel something for, and a story where shit that's interesting to them actually happens. You have to be willing to go a little deeper than just "Fluttershy is quiet and likes animals." Who is Fluttershy? What are her beliefs and convictions? What is the first thing she thinks about when she gets up in the morning? You have to use your imagination a little to accomplish this. Start with her base character and try to think from her perspective while writing her. Just describing things that might happen in the show the way they would probably happen isn't enough.

The other thing is that you have no idea how to build a story. Basically, you write like a high school kid. You just think up scenarios and events and scenes that you think would be cool in Ponyland, and just have them happen in sequence without trying to adhere to any sort of narrative structure. Chapters are basically as long as you feel like making them. You have a chapter that goes on for like 4,000 words, then you have another that goes on for 32,000 words. You're not telling a story, you're just narrating events in sequence to a reader.

"First I got up today, then I had breakfast, then I got in my car, then I drove to work, but I stopped at the gas station to get a soda. Then I remembered I forgot my badge so I had to drive back home. My roommate was home so I stopped to remind him that he still owes me like $20. Then I grabbed my badge and left. Traffic was bad so it took a while and I was late, then I got to work and my boss was mad because I was late..."

Would you read a novel that told the story like that? The story could actually be about something very exciting, like maybe the guy gets to work and terrorists attack his office or something. It wouldn't matter because the author is telling the story badly. That may be how events would happen if it was real, but in a story you have to assess what to describe and what to skip over. You have to set mood and tone, and build up to whatever the main event is. For instance with your story, was it really necessary to spend probably about two pages describing all the crazy flight tricks Silver does as he's trying to fly across the street? Is there some purpose to including that in the narrative, or did you just write it because you thought it was cool and wanted to write about it? You randomly interject all sorts of things into the story that don't need to be there. You could probably trim this story down to a reasonable length just by cutting out all of Silver's inner monologues and inappropriate rambling about his backstory. All the snide little cracks you throw in about your personal complaints regarding the show don't help either. Don't like Twilight's castle? Why even put it in the story? Just don't mention it. Unless it's going to be a significant location later, there's no reason to even mention that it's there.

The way you end this chapter is badly done too. It just sort of cuts off abruptly, like your microwave tendies were suddenly done cooking and you decided not to write any more. Here's how it ends (this is following the discussion about Daring Do books):
>"This just got interesting... " Rainbow said with a daring gleam in her eye, and it faded quickly as she noticed something. "Hey, wait a second... Where's Pinkie Pie?"

You end this like you're ending it on a cliffhanger, but you're not. Just ending a chapter with a question doesn't make it a cliffhanger. The reader isn't wondering where Pinkie Pie is. You barely mention Pinkie Pie to begin with. She doesn't have any speaking parts in the scene. The entire last section of text has been nothing but dialog between RD and Silver talking about Daring Do. The reader has probably forgotten that Pinkie Pie was ever even in this scene. The question is just jarring. It has nothing to do with anything that has happened up to this point and it wasn't on the reader's mind. The chapter doesn't really conclude, the text just sort of randomly stops

see how jarring that was? :^)

>>4327
>significance of Twily's castle
If he omitted it, where would he home invade to install a preposterous jaccuzi? We can't have discontinuity XD

>>4327
Chapter Two: Literally Thousands of Dicks in My Ass, an Autobiography; by Silver Star

We next find ourselves in the office of Mayor Mare, who apparently is mired in a chasm of existential angst because she feels that Twilight Sparkle's ascension to Princesshood has rendered her role as mayor irrelevant. There is some grumbling about the ostentatious crystal castle (of course, can't miss an opportunity to wedge that in somewhere), and a general sense that having Celestia's star pupil and Equestria's newest Princess residing in the town has pushed her aside and made her position ceremonial.

Since the inner workings of Equestrian politics aren't really addressed in the show, there is some room for creative interpretation here, and you have every right to explore this story angle if you would like. I would personally argue, though, that this is an unlikely way for events to play out. Equestria probably functions similarly to feudalism, in which the ruler technically has supreme power but is not involved in the nuts and bolts of local governments. Ponyville probably has some sort of town charter granted by Celestia which requires them to pay taxes or tithes, but grants the town the right to operate more or less as it sees fit. Also, Twilight's is technically a Princess, but her official title is Princess of Friendship. There may be some implication that she is destined to be Celestia's successor at some point, but I don't get the impression the title comes with much political power for now; I think her job is mostly just to teach ponies about friendship and occasionally fight monsters. In Ponyville she would probably be a local celebrity and not much else. Mayor Mare's office would probably still have the same authority it always had. Anyway, that's enough of my autism, let's get back to yours.

This small paragraph in which we get a glimpse into the Mayor's psyche is actually somewhat funny and decently written. It's good for the same reason your opening bit about Coffee Grounds was good. It gives you a small glimpse into the mind of an incidental character, and for a brief couple of paragraphs get a sense of who that pony is and what their lives are like before returning to the main story. In this case, you also poke fun at some of the many logical inconsistencies you can come up with when you take children's cartoons and overanalyze them, which usually results in some funny observations. This is actually a decent way to inject some light humor into your story and I would encourage you to do more of it; but again, just don't go overboard with it.

Unfortunately, like most of the small nuggets of gold scattered throughout the barren rocky wasteland of this text, the nice thing you manage to create for an instant is immediately buried in shit once the narrative returns to its main focus. Pinkie Pie enters the scene, out of breath and hyperactive as usual, to inform the Mayor that "Ehrmygurd, the most super awesome pony I've ever seen just arrived in Ponyville and I'm so excited!!" This seems to answer the burning question posed at the end of the last chapter, in which we are left to ponder the whereabouts of Ms. Pie. Actually, here is exactly what she says:

>I was out playing with Rainbow Dash but this new silver Unicorn showed up and he was flying and he looked super serious and fancy but I bet he's just really sad and lonely and he's never been in town before so I want to throw him a party because he probably doesn't have any friends in Ponyville yet!
This more or less reads like a line she would actually say despite its content, so good job there I guess. Although Pinkie is usually the easiest of the Mane 6 to write dialog for. Pretty much all you have to do is write a long, rambling run-on sentence and end it with an exclamation mark, and the reader will automatically read it in her voice. But I digress.

It seems we are now sadly back on track. Once again, the principle characters from the series are fawning all over your OC and rubbing his dick, and the Nigelverse is once more as it should be. Whew, for a second I thought I was going to have to keep saying nice things about this. In any event, the only thing we learn from this scene is that Pinkie Pie is just as excited as everypony else will eventually be to learn that Silver "my stool has been pushed so far up my ass by rectal penetration that I can't even fit dicks down my esophagus anymore, but damned if I'm not going to try" Star has come to Ponyville. Yippee.

>>4329
For reference, the term "Prince" or "Princess" is an abbreviation of the term "Principle" or sovereign in their area of application/expertise. So yes, Princess Twilight is the Principle of Friendship which is a not insignificant title pertaining to an area of magic and experience that is not unheard of to ponies, but the extent and gravity of which has yet to be determined. Having said - and as evidenced by the Movie - she's essentially powerless and a figurehead in matters *not* pertaining to friendship (including governance).

>>4329

Anyway, just like the last chapter, this one starts on a high note and goes down the shitter quickly. We get even more of your rambling, incoherent narrative style than usual. You know, I really have to say that this scene really is just a complete waste of potential. You go to all that trouble of setting up a scene in the mayor's office, and then we learn that all that is really happening is Pinkie wants to throw Silver a party and doesn't know where he lives. This probably has to do with the fact that he has been in Ponyville all of 30 minutes and hasn't had time to buy a house yet. It makes absolutely no sense. Then, you follow it with this clumsy sequence in which Pinkie tries to follow Silver around but can't sneak up on him, because of his rad ninja skills. The scene concludes with Pinkie deciding to have the party at Applejack's.

This all goes back to what I was saying in my previous post about how you just flat out have no fucking idea how to build a story. This narrative goes absolutely everywhere and nowhere. You just lay out sequences of events without bothering to filter which ones are important and which ones contribute nothing to the overall story. It's just long, rambling autism.

"Silver was sitting in his office in his skyscraper one day, when his assistant came in and told him that he had to go to a meeting. He was all like, I don't want to go, but then his assistant said he had to go. So he put on his rocket skis or whatever and flew all across the town for like fifteen minutes doing barrel rolls and loop de loops, until eventually he went in and had the meeting. He cheated three ponies out of their livelihoods and made himself slightly richer than he was already. Then, he decided he was bored so he went to Ponyville. When he got to Ponyville, he met Rainbow Dash and they talked about books, and also Pinkie Pie was there but she ran off somewhere. Then, the Mayor of Ponyville was sitting in her office contemplating the absurdity of existence when Pinkie Pie suddenly came in. She wanted to know where Silver Star lived but the Mayor didn't know, so she left. Then, she tried to follow Silver Star around town but Silver was too much of a ninja and she couldn't sneak up on him, so she decided to just have a party at Applejack's for him. Then she went back to work because she was on her break this whole time."

That is a literal, accurate synopsis of your story to this point. Literally what the fuck am I reading?!? We are thousands of words into this thing at this point and we don't even have a hint as to what it's ultimately about. I don't think even you know, or rather I think that it never occurred to you to make it about anything. It's just a long string of disconnected scenes and a general chronology of events which you are just going to keep writing until you decide to call it finished. You have no central theme, no structure, and no plot. Here's an assignment for you: read a novel some time. Pay attention to how the author lays it out. Notice how each thing that happens in the story is significant and each individual scene contributes to the telling of a greater story. Notice how characters don't just randomly spout nonsensical dialog that has nothing to do with the story. Notice how the author doesn't randomly dump personal opinions or long autistic descriptions of cool things the main character can do into long paragraphs that distract from the story. Notice how the entire work appears to have been planned to some extent.

That's not to say that there's anything necessarily wrong with just shooting from the hip; some writers methodically outline every scene, some just sort of wing it. Stephen King, from what I understand, just sort of pulls his stories out of his ass as he goes, and he seems to be doing well enough for himself. But I guarantee you he at least thinks about what his story will ultimately be about and what the general sequence of events is going to be before he starts writing.

Also:
>Mayor Mare shrugged, and went back to thinking of titles for the autobiography she'd get time to write some day. The Mayor of... Mayor... Mayor... Mayords? Maids? Mayor Mare 2: Mare Harder? The Autobiography of Unparallelled Mayorosity? No, those were terrible. 'The Mare Wearing the Mayorly Mask' was far better. Then again... Could she top that?

>Mayor... Revealed. Mayor Unmasked. Mayor Mare The Mayor and the Town That Needed A Mayor. Mayor Mare And The Night Of A Thousand Mayors. Mayor, Mayor, Mayor. Mayor, Mayor, I'm a Mayor, said Mayor Mayor I'm a Mayor. Mayor Unleashed. Crimson Mayor. Mayor of Mayors. Mayornnaise. Mayornado.

It's like you're just letting your cat walk around on your keyboard at this point. Although if that's the case maybe you should just let him finish the story for you.

>>4330
My understanding is that the term "Prince/Princess" derives from "Principate", which is what Augustus Caesar called his government to avoid proclaiming himself Emperor like Julius did. The idea is that most or all of the government's power rests in a principal individual. It was somewhat different from a monarch in that the power rested in the title rather than the man, and the role was not inherently hereditary. It would be similar to a President consolidating the powers of Congress and the Judiciary into the role of President and then using those powers to decree that the presidency could be held for life. I suspect words like "principle", "principality", and even "Principal (as in Principal Celestia)" all have their root in the same basic term, so your definition as "principle in their sovereign area of application/expertise" seems pretty spot on.

Threadly reminder Nigel is now spontaneously sperging out about random video game DLC in the other thread because he thought he got a positive response for once.

>>4331
>Mayor x100
Oh yeah, that orange gem parody is sure making sense now. I cant tell you how fucking annoying it is to read that tripe, like when does it end? The joke ended after the first 10 times of slightly different way to say or combine 'Mayor' with another word. Just makes me want to drop it and throttle the author not read further.

>>4334
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=d9KVN4WfHHc
The one true Mayor

Op inspired me to start writing. Here's an excerpt:

The silo's just went up in flames, kabooooooom Katatatatatatataatatatatata. "INCOMING" The sarge exclaimed, then suddenly Nooooooo!. Nooooooo! SARGE!!!!, Jimmy cried as Sergeant Memphis fell to the ground, minus 1 head. "YOU BASTARDS" said Jimmy the red shirt wearing private as he ran towards the fire shooting in a blaze of glorious revenge. The insurgents shells,shot from Patria AMOS PT1s , were impacting left and right, but this did not stop Private Jimmy on his suicide mission to revenge his fallen and headless friend Sergeant Memphis. Whilst shooting 3 enemy combatants in the head he cried, "Fucking eat my lead" and "Game over, you terrorist Muslim scum". Then he reached for 3 hand grenades from his US navy Issue Grenade belt Model number 2332/A1. He pulled the pins and swallowed them in order to shit out the cause for his enemies death later on and with an elegant move he simultaneously ducked and throw the armed grenades towards the scared and cowardly towel-heads.

>>4336
Too low-effort for me. King Battlebrit did a great job of parodying OP, but that was just sort of...a badly choreographed CoD cutscene with bad grammar.

>>4337
You are wrong. This piece has stakes, ideology, conflict and goals, all while expressing character development. It is better than anything written in this thread.

>>4331
>>4111
>>4120
>>4222

No sooner does Pinkie Pie go off to plan her surprise party for Silver "I once shoved an entire bag of marbles up my ass because I wanted to rapid-fire shit them all into the toilet bowl at once to give my neighbor war flashbacks and also because I love putting things up my ass in general" Star, then who should appear in Mayor Mare's office but Silver "seriously one time I shoved an entire Subway™ Footlong Spicy Italian™ up there and that Jared guy stopped by later and fisted me but that was unrelated" Star. Wow, if only he'd made his dramatic entrance just a few minutes (seconds? hours? I really get no sense of time whatsoever from this narrative) earlier then they wouldn't have missed each other. Ha! Ha! Ha! What a zany comedy of errors this is turning out to be.

Anyway, then we get what is quite possibly the most underwhelming and pointless exchange in this entire narrative rife with underwhelming and pointless exchanges:
>“Hi, my name is Silver Star, I'm a businesspony from Canterlot, I'm rich, and I'd like to build a vacation home for myself here, while also setting up a wildly successful enchanted item store, vastly improving the local economy... If that's alright with you, of course.”
>“Okay,” She said. stunned.

Well, I'm glad we got that settled. I know that's how I usually get my building permits. Anyway, since obviously Silver can't be fucked to even stick around and sign his own paperwork, he summons some kind of magical blue bird thing to sign the documents. However, apparently the blue bird thing also can't be fucked to actually sign the documents, so she summons...you know what, I'll just quote it:
>From the growing blue void, a Silver Star emerged like a boyband emerging from the stage's floor, as if he'd been standing on an invisible elevator that slowly and dramatically rose. When he was through, the blue void vanished anticlimactically, the sound stopping instantly, white trails of energy fading away.
>“What just happened?” Mayor Mare asked.
>“I breached the boundaries of time and causality, and pulled into this reality a Silver that never was, but could have been. This is the Silver that will sign your documents, the Silver from the potential reality that chose to do so before leaving,” She explained, lying. She had actually used an overdramatic illusion spell, and then summoned a Silver replica from the building where he stored the ones that didn't fade away, burst, or get absorbed after completing their tasks. However, she could have performed the feat she described, if Silver desired it.

Jesus Fucking Christ Nigel. Where do you even come up with this stuff? See, here's the problem: this isn't funny enough to be considered humor, and it makes too little sense to be taken seriously. Not only do you waste space on the page writing long, intricate descriptions of events that are blatantly unnecessary for the scene you're writing, most of the time the scenes are themselves blatantly unnecessary. Forget all the confusing shit about the magical bird and the clone of Silver from another timeline or whatever the fuck happens; does your story even need this scene in the first place? Where literally all that happens is Silver signs some paperwork and gets a building permit from the Mayor? Why include that in the story? The only information this conveys is that Silver bought some land to build a house and a store on. Are you going to cover the construction of the house as well? How about a scene where Silver buys homeowner's insurance? Ooh, and I absolutely can't wait to read about his exciting trip to the hardware store to buy drywall paste!

You don't need to put mundane details like this into a story. Just because something happens doesn't mean you need to write about it. You could have just written a scene that covers anything important that happens on the day Silver arrives in Ponyville (protip: from what I've read this is basically nothing), then advance time about a week, and rejoin Silver in his new house, or his new shop. You wouldn't need to explain how Silver got his building permits; you can simply mention that time has passed and he has a house and a shop now. The reader can fit the rest of it together himself. And don't waste things like magical familiars and complex illusion spells on crap like this. I know you think it's cute or funny or something but it's just autistic. Trust me, nobody but you is laughing.

Incidentally, doing this would have made the previous scene involving Pinkie Pie less awkward. If I'm following the sequence of events correctly, first Silver makes his grand entrance in Ponyville. The first ponies he meets are Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie. Silver stops and chats with Dash for a bit. Pinkie wanders off at some point during their autistic conversation. This is where it gets confusing.

Apparently she flies directly to the Mayor's office to ask the Mayor where Silver lives. She just saw him arrive probably within the last hour, why would she assume he would even have a place to stay yet? Why would she assume the Mayor would know? Then she tries to follow him around for a bit, the timeline here is unclear because it seems to imply that he's no longer with RD. Then, he goes to the Mayor's office to apparently declare his intent to build a house. Why do that? Even if he's rich enough to just buy property the way anyone else would buy a sandwich, wouldn't it still make more sense for him to look around town to see if there's land for sale, instead of barging into the Mayor's office? Nothing about this scene makes sense. Now, if you just had Silver arrive in Ponyville, then skip a couple of weeks to where he's established, and then have Pinkie throw a welcome party for the new pony in town, that would make sense.

>>4339
This seems like as good a time as any to address your technique of description.

As I and several others have mentioned before, description is one of the few things you actually do well. Your problem is that you have no idea what to focus your powers of description on. Here, I'm going to give you a quick example of misuse of description:

The porcelain sink stood tall and majestic, towering above the black and white checkerboard pattern of the bathroom floor. Designed in 1925 by the Kohler corporation, this magnificent old pedestal sink rose gracefully from the floor in a fluted base, and then spread out gracefully like a tulip, collecting dripping water from its faucets as a real tulip would catch the morning dew. Separate hot and cold water spouts, a common feature of older sinks, reached out over the bowl like twin talons glinting in the light of the Possini lighting fixture mounted above. A total of four Philips head screws held the fixture in place, so that it remained attached to the ceiling, cascading warm and inviting light down onto the white porcelain of the sink below, like a cold winter sun shining wanly upon a field of fresh snow.

Next to the sink lay the dead body of Mrs. James, the house's current owner. Her throat had been cut.

You could probably say that the first paragraph is a good descriptive paragraph. It's phrased elegantly and paints a clear picture in the reader's mind of what it wants them to see. It even sets a mood; the line comparing the porcelain to snow and the light to a cold winter sun gives the reader the impression of a story set in winter. However, since presumably the story is going to be about the murder of Mrs. James, do I really need to spend that much time describing what the bathroom sink looked like? Or, alternatively, if I want to write about sinks, should I have even mentioned the body?

What if I were to be less of a cheeky bastard about this, and give as much description to the dead body as I do to the sink? Let's take a look:

The porcelain sink stood tall and majestic, towering above the black and white checkerboard pattern of the bathroom floor. Designed in 1925 by the Kohler corporation, this magnificent old pedestal sink rose gracefully from the floor in a fluted base, and then spread out gracefully like a tulip, collecting dripping water from its faucets as a real tulip would catch the morning dew. Separate hot and cold water spouts, a common feature of older sinks, reached out over the bowl like twin talons glinting in the light of the Possini lighting fixture mounted above. A total of four Philips head screws held the fixture in place, so that it remained attached to the ceiling, cascading warm and inviting light down onto the white porcelain of the sink below, like a cold winter sun shining wanly upon a field of fresh snow.

Near the base of the sink, a woman's outstretched hand, motionless and pale, pointed its fingers up towards the ceiling. The red paint on her fingernails stood in sharp contrast to the snow white of her icy skin, a cold and frozen wasteland spattered with sudden drops of crimson. Thick, viscous blood of a similar hue pooled on the floor around her, oozing slowly outward from the ragged gash in her neck.

Alright, I'm going to stop there because this example is veering quickly into edgelord territory. But you get the point; she's dead, and it's probably not natural causes. The second paragraph actually conveys less information than the single sentence from the first example, since we do not yet know her name or that she's the owner of the house. However, despite communicating less information, the second paragraph does a much better job of setting tone and drawing the reader into the narrative. However, we've still got some problems. Read the entire example, the bit about the sink as well as the bit about Mrs. James.

Both paragraphs are well written, evoke mood, and paint a vivid picture. However, they are sort of competing with each other for the reader's attention. One is about a body, one is about a sink. Which is more important to the story? Well, we can probably assume that we're not writing about sinks, so if we're going to trim from anything it should be the first paragraph. However, it still has some salvageable elements. The white porcelain, the bathroom light as a cold winter sun, these are good images for a murder scene.

So what do we get rid of? Well, the reader probably doesn't give a shit what year the sink was made, who built it, how many faucets it has, or how many screws are holding the fucking light in place, so all that shit can go. Simply mentioning that it's a pedestal sink is probably enough to give the reader an image, so we don't need to go into detail about how it flutes up gracefully or whatever the fuck. Plus, the analogy of the tulip collecting morning dew conflicts with our winter theme, so let's lose that bit as well. Now, we take what's left and work it into the paragraph about the dead body. In our next episode, we'll take a look at what our scene has become.

>>4340
The pristine pedestal sink rose like a headstone over the frigid expanse of black and white tile. An outstretched hand, equally pale and cold and devoid of life, clawed emptily toward the ceiling. The violent red paint on the fingernails stood in stark contrast to the white expanse of flesh and the tower of porcelain, as did the thick, viscous blood which pooled on tile and ran in warm rivulets down frozen skin. High above, the ceiling fixture cast a harsh light on the scene below, a cold winter sun shining mercilessly down on crimson-spattered snow.

</edge>

Anyway, apart from putting ourselves in the mood to listen to gloomy goth music with the lights out, what did we accomplish here? Well, basically we have learned how to take two vividly descriptive yet conflicting paragraphs and work them into harmony with each other, as well as learning how to selectively include and exclude elements from our narrative. In addition to the fact that we now have only one paragraph where we formerly had two, also note the economy of words. At it's absolute longest point, when we had two highly descriptive paragraphs, our narrative text was 213 words long. The final paragraph we wound up with is only 96. We more than halved the number of words we wrote, yet we doubled it's impact, all while removing much of the explicit description. The lengthy descriptions of the sink obviously are gone, but you'll notice that we also removed mention of the gash in the woman's neck and we never explicitly state that anyone is dead. However, nobody reading this paragraph could possibly mistake it for anything but a description of a murder scene.

What did we keep? Imagery. Anything related to snow, ice, winter, or coldness stayed in. Anything warm or pleasant was dropped. Not only does this convey our implied setting of literal winter, it also helps to reinforce the images of death and instill subconscious unease in the reader. Winter is the death of the year, and the season of winter is harsh and unforgiving. Things die in winter, and the winter sun, even at its brightest, provides little warmth. In Asian cultures, white is the color of death; in Western cultures black is. We have both black and white appearing in the bathroom tile, and there is an implied comparison of the tile floor to the cold, hard earth during winter. The comparison of the pedestal sink to a tombstone has already got the reader thinking of this scene as a grave. See how this shit works?

</edge>

Frankly, your subconscious does a lot of the work, so it's not like you need to spend hours sitting around thinking up color symbolism for all of your themes. I wasn't even thinking about the symbolic meaning of black or white or winter when I pulled this idea out of my ass, this idea pretty much just started as "I'm going to describe a murder scene in a bathroom, but focus on the bathroom fixtures instead of the dead body." I just arbitrarily made the floor tiles black and white because I instinctively felt that it would be a better choice than flower-printed 1970s linoleum. The shit about the bathroom light being a winter sun just randomly popped into my head and I added it because I liked it. Just practice doing shit like this and after a while you'll start doing it without even thinking. You can even generate story ideas this way, just sit down and write the first thing that pops into your head, then try to revise it into something worthwhile.

The important thing is to always go back over what you wrote, again and again. Look at each paragraph with a magnifying glass. Is this the best way to say what I want to say? Do I really need this sentence about water faucets? Is this 32,000 word ideological argument or this weird scene about a magical blue bird signing paperwork really essential to the story? What do I want to communicate with this text, and how can I make every word in it work to communicate it? That's what you should be thinking about. Even this example paragraph I wouldn't call quite done yet. It's better than what we started with, but it could still probably stand to be tweaked a little bit, I just don't personally feel like messing with it any further. Plus, it's starting to put me in kind of a gloomy mood. I might have to go watch some ponies. Anyway.

Read back over the first paragraph, the one about Kohler sinks and whatever. We started with a shitpost, and we wound up with something that could probably serve as a decent opening paragraph to a mystery novel, or at least a mystery novel for edgy goth teenagers. Granted, how to use winter as symbolism for death is probably not something that will come up much in My Little Pony fanfiction, but the same principles apply no matter what you're writing about.

When I tell you to trim your text down, Nigel, this is what I'm talking about. When I tell you to filter your ideas and thoughts, Nigel, this is what I'm talking about. Nigel? NIGEL? Are you listening Nigel?

>>4341
It's very purple...

>>4332
Your understanding is wrong. Princesse is the old French female version of prince.

>>4341
Another thing that the winter metaphors appeals to is the huwite man's innate sense of danger that's inherent to the life of a race of hunters and farmers whose lives are spent fending off predators in the dark forests and snowy landscapes. That is a huge cultural thing for us, influenced by the fact our blue eyes are more sensitive to light and our light skin is most comfortable in cool environments with less direct sunlight.

There's so much meaning that we western people apply to the winter metaphors because it appeals to our aesthetic focus and our history, both cultural and genetic, of being in such stark, quiet yet not safe situations. It has the potential to be beautiful.

>>4341
An apt metaphor for this thread is that you are the literary equivalent of Gordon Ramsey (well, you may not be that good, but bear with me) and Nigel is one of those horrible chefs he yells at. 90% of the time chefs don't care about the opinion of a Michelin-star, world-famous chef and instinctively defend their cooking, refusing to bear criticism.

To put Nigel's writing in culinary terms, the meat is raw, the seasoning is overwhelming and tasteless, the vegetables have been frozen and reheated and are disgusting, and everything is mushy, practically a slurry.

>>4345
The lamb. Is focking. RAWWWWW!

>>4341
>>4111
>>4120
>>4222

So, next up we've got a short conversation in which you use dialog between RD and Silver "shove a spatula up my ass and flip my hotcakes" Star to apparently insert some snide commentary on the state of modern video games into the story. The dialog itself is decently written for what it is; it seems like your dialog is generally at its least awful when you're having your characters talk about autism hobbies you enjoy, rather than complain about aspects of the show you don't like. In any event this scene is at about an appropriate length for what it is, it's decently written and I have no major complaints about it.

Next, Pinkie Pie shows up out of the blue with her welcome wagon, which is described in pretty exhaustive detail. Again, description is something you do reasonably well so no huge complaints there either. I would personally cut out the bit before this scene starts though, the little five-line interlude where Ponk is going through the process of getting the welcome wagon out and leaving Sugar Cube Corner with it. It goes back to what I was saying earlier about learning how to leave stuff out that isn't really necessary.

For instance, imagine you're writing a story where Mr. Jones and Mrs. Jones are out walking around the neighborhood, when Mr. Smith pulls up in his car and starts talking to them. Even if the text does not explicitly describe Mr. Smith getting his keys, starting his engine and backing his car out of the garage, the reader will probably just assume that he did these things based on the fact that he's driving his car. Again, just because something happens as part of a logical sequence of events, you don't necessarily need to include it in the text of the story. Events that the reader could reasonably infer took place, whose description doesn't contribute anything to the overarching narrative, can generally be left out.

Anyway, Ponk does her little "Welcome to Ponyville" routine, and naturally you take the time to mention that Silver "just flip me over and pretend I'm a mare if you don't want it to be gay" Star can immediately visualize the mechanical workings of Pinkie's welcome wagon as she's performing with it, because if you don't remind the reader of how awesome Silver is every 100 words or so they might start to forget. And just in case the point wasn't driven home, Pinkie fires off a burst of harmless confetti as her grand finale, which Silver interprets as an attack, so he casually launches some kind of magical shockwave, realizes his mistake, and casually calls it back. Have I mentioned that I hate this character yet?

So, with what I can only assume would have been a nuclear holocaust vaporizing the entire town of Ponyville and every last adorable little poner living in it very narrowly avoided, Ponk invites Silver to AJ's barn at 6pm and disappears. Naturally, now that the information that a party is happening later has been conveyed to the reader, you have no further need for Ponk and make her disappear abruptly from the story for now. Rather than say something about, oh I don't know, something that might restore my faith that this entire shoddy universe wasn't constructed for the sole purpose of stroking your OC's dick, Rainbow Dash instead immediately takes this moment to ask Silver about his fucking horseshoes. Yep, that's right, not even an "Oh Pinkie, you so crazy!" or a "That's our Pinkie Pie!" from Dash, we just move straight on into an ornate explanation of how Silver's magical horseshoes allow him to slow down time and control the fucking weather. Have I mentioned that I hate this character yet?

Okay, it looks like you do take a moment for Silver to ask RD about Ponk. However, for reference, you spend 289 words explaining the mechanics of horseshoes imbued with the powers of quantum space travel to an audience that didn't ask. 47 words is all you can spare on having Rainbow introduce one of her closest friends to your protagonist, a friend who, might I add, just went to the trouble of organizing an impromptu welcoming party for him.

>“So, who was that?”
>“That's Pinkie Pie, she's one of my best friends. She runs Sugarcube Corner, they sell cakes and stuff.”
>“Is there any particular reason why she said to visit a barn, of all places?”
>“Guess it was the only place open tonight.” She shrugged.

That's it, that's all the interest Silver shows in the pony he just met who is throwing him a party just because. Rainbow isn't much better of course, but since she's pretty much just a Rainbow Dash sockpuppet whose only role in the story is to tell Silver he's awesome, we can probably forgive her for that.

Anyways, literally the next line is this ridiculous shit:

>“Huh. Well, if you want to see how great I am at building homes fast, you can watch me build my new home.”
>That didn't exactly sound like fun, but... “How fast?” Rainbow wondered.
>“If it takes me longer than two minutes, I'll buy you a cupcake.” Silver gloated.
>“You're on!”

Holy shit, I was just kidding about turning the literal construction of the house into an actual scene. Please tell me he's not going to the hardware store after this.

Jesus Christ, no wonder this travesty is so damn long. You literally put anything into the story that you think would be cool to have in.

if post ends in significant digits Starlight Glimmer is officially a member of /mlpol/'s roster of adopted characters

>>4345
>well, you may not be that good, but bear with me
I don't presume to be an expert writer by any stretch of the imagination, I'm not quite as arrogant about my abilities as I might be coming across in this thread. But I feel like I'm at least a competent amateur.

>>4348
>spoiler
I dunno, are slot trips significant enough for you?

>>4348
>holy trips

It's official: Nigel's sperginess just led to the Glimmer Era. ;y

>>4349
You are intentionally making all of the participants show their complete, utter stupidity, save for the irreconcilable fact that glimshit is the single most pathetic mary sue OC design in the first place. Please, continue feeding Nigel as he's feeding you as you're feeding him as he's feeding you.

>>4352
(You) are cancer.

>>4353
Love you too anon.

>>4352
Trips reconfirm, Glimmy is best pony.

>>4356
Oh shit, I didn't even notice that I replied to trips with my own trips. Mods, can we make this a thing now? xdd

I kinda forgot there was a second thread. What's going on in this thread?

>>4358
Just double-trips confirming best pony. Nothin' much.

>>4358
Worshipping the newly christened Glimmer, Goddess of Glutes.

>>4358
Get comfy and read, you're getting just what you asked for

>>4358
Welcome back, Nigel, feel free to read the thread if you'd like to get up to speed.

Continuing.

>>4348
>>4111
>>4120
>>4222

>Silver landed in the center of the land his document-signing clone had bought for him with grace and style, a pretty nice place with a pleasant yellow thatched-roof cottage surrounded by verdant grass, a few big trees, and the odd patch of pink flowers.
Sounds like a nice place. I'll be curious to see how Silver "shove a Louisville Slugger™ up my ass, zombie corpse of Lou Gehrig, it's always been my fantasy wait was that disease contagious? oh well I already have like ten strains of AIDS" Star plans to ruin it.

>It was a peaceful, idyllic scene, and Silver glanced back at the camera to smirk as he raised a hoof, spawning into existence a pocketwatch.
Oh god what now

>His horn lit up with a blazing blue aura
>His horn lit up with a brilliant blue light
You don't need to say this twice. His horn was fucking blue, we get it.

Anyway, I'll spare everyone the play-by-play of this autism. Basically, Silver summons a bunch of clones and birds and God only knows what the fuck else, and of course uses his heavenly cosmic power to tear up the quaint little country cottage he just purchased and construct some kind of all-metal monstrosity shaped like his own head. At this point he decides that it's not big enough and tries to enlarge it somehow, screws it up, tears it down, starts over, and finally ends up with some kind of ugly metal cube structure. Actually, here's the literal description you give:
>a two-storey cube-shaped house with metallic-blue metal walls and orange windows.

I'll remind everyone that this building was constructed by the same pony who just a few short pages ago was complaining about Twilight's crystal castle being an eyesore. As with everything else Silver does in this story, the entire monumental project is accomplished without his needing to expend any actual effort, and the only reason it's included in the narrative is to show off the fact that he can do it. Because in case you haven't realized it yet, SILVER HAS ALL THE POWERS AND IS THE GREATEST PONY IN THE HISTORY OF PONIES. Oh, he also sings a fucking song while he does all this.

>Aquilla finally caught up with him and landed beside him like a pet owl, admiring the building, then she snapped her claws and warped large metal shipping containers in through gold portals. Fox ponies began opening the containers and telekinetically taking out swords, shields, hammers, helmets, axes, whips, steamrollers the size of swords, swords the size of steamrollers, and a kitchen sink.
This paragraph and the next one are in italics for some reason, and I can't for the life of me figure out why.

>He glanced back at his building and noticed that he'd somehow shaped this building into a massive sculpture of his own head, the house inside it, and he frowned.
Wait, what? I thought we already...the head thing was torn down...wait, what?

>His horn lit up, designating a point at the center of the building and turning it into a blue magical cube that grew larger every second, quickly engulfing a quarter of the building...
Wait a minute. This is the same exact paragraph that appears earlier. Verbatim. And it's italicized. Is this a mistake or is this intentional? Do you even read the shit you write before you post it? Wait a minute, it's not even quoted verbatim...

Jesus H. Christ. I reread this section 4 times and I still don't understand what the fuck is going on. There are slight differences between the italicized paragraph and the non-italicized that appears earlier, so you rewrote what you wrote instead of just copypasting it. That means you deliberately wrote the same paragraph twice. WHY??? I don't understand what you're trying to do here. I'm not even trying to make fun of you anymore, I'm just trying to UNDERSTAND.

>The fox ponies arranged themselves into groups of four, their horns lighting up. The eyes of birds flashed as they converged upon summoned palanquins, falling into the multicolored magical grips of the fox ponies, Silver leaping towards the chair in the center and posing.
>Make a home, make a home
>WE'RE SKIPPING THIS PART, IT BORES ME TO THE BONE.
Now imagine how the rest of us feel.

>His sudden outburst surprised the birds and foxes, but they rolled with it, musicians speeding their movements up with magic to rush bars out at 340 BPM before returning to their previous pace as Silver's magic bodily picked up one female red fox-pony, dipped her tail in a summoned can of white paint, and used her to paint his building's walls grey.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS I DON'T EVEN

>When it was over, he blew a gust of air up at his red-hot horn with a smirk, and sat on his haunches, admiring his work
Daily reminder that the only demonstrable real-world trait you've given this pony is an intense desire to avoid having to do any actual work, and that includes improvement to his own moral character.

>I built this home, I built this home
>Yes, I did
Literally no, you didn't.

>With my friends, I built this home
>Yes, I did!
Slaves, actually, not friends. And they built it, not you. But you're getting warmer.

Before I conclude, I would just like to say that I have a friend who offered to help me with this analysis. In order to get up to speed on the text, he tried to run it through some Chrome app he has that condenses text and speedreads it to you somehow. Doing that with this story literally broke his brain; he's traumatized now. He may never be the same again.

The last thing I received from him was this webcam footage:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E51-2B8gHtk

>>4362
I read chapter 6 in 30 minutes. My mind is mush. Sleeping did not help, nor caffeine or sugar. Im almost catatonic. I thought my program was broken when it kept repeating the same sentences 5+ times in a row. Brb catatonic.

>>4362
>>4111
>>4120
>>4222

>“Hold on, Spike. Silver Unicorn, pointy orange mane with an orange flame at the front, with a yellow star on it, blue eyes, a constellation of orange and yellow stars for a Cutie Mark?” Twilight asked hopefully.
Oh God. Oh Christ. This is where it begins. This is the genesis point of the worst ship that has ever been attempted in almost a decade's worth of the terrible ships this fandom has come up with. If ships were literal ships, the Twilight/Silver ship would be the unholy love child of the Titanic and the Lusitania. May our just and merciful God grant us swift speeds and iceberg-infested waters.

Sooooo....

Unsurprisingly, when Spike informs Twilight that a fancy new unicorn has just flown into town on a fucking comet, and built a house in under two minutes using clones of himself, she is beyond giddy to learn that this fudge-packing faggot of a unicorn is none other than the world-famous Silver "toss a quarter down my cavernous asshole and make a wish, you will literally never hear it hit the bottom" Star. Spike is elated to learn that there is finally someone in Ponyville who is a bigger faggot than he is, but even he was unprepared to learn of the depths of sodomous debauchery to which this cum-guzzling semen sponge of a unicorn has plumbed in his life.

Apparently, he has written a grand total of 200 books, in between splitting the atom and fighting cattle rustlers and running a massive corporation and drumming for Def Leppard. However I'm guessing if he writes anything like you, like 90% of what he writes is pure autism that has no connection to anything. Anyway, naturally, Twilight has read all of his books and her horsegina is already quivering at the thought of being able to live in the same town as his mighty meatsnack.

Nigel, I'm beginning to think I might owe you an apology. I've both implied and explicitly stated multiple times that you have no talent as a writer. However, it appears I may have been mistaken. For over the course of the next several paragraphs, you create a back and forth between Spike and Twilight, in which they continuously one-up each other over who knows the most trivia about the myriad exploits of Silver "just shove entire ears of corn up my ass, everypony else does" Star. The fact that you are able to make canon series characters lick every single square micron of your OC's balls and cock while he's not even in the room is, frankly, it's own particular type of talent.

Just so we are all on the same page here, I am going to list the accomplishments attributed to Silver, according to Spike and Twilight:
>author of 200 books
>inventor of a new type of evolutionary transformative spell, whatever the hell that means
>Seven-time Grandmaster of the royal Duelling Circuit
>owner and founder of his own magical duelling circuit
>shaved the Royal Duelling Circuit's owner's head with his own spellblade at Glitterfest 2010 (literally wat?)
>single-hoofedly revolutionized the field of summoning magic (with his dick)
>created over a thousand spells (with his dick)
>made his own chain of enchanted item stores
>inventor of some type of magical buttsex arena, called temporal echoes or some shit who even cares
>apparently owns patents to numerous to number
>has apparently also written history books too numerous number on top of his original finitely-numbered 200 books
>plays in a heavy metal band (holy shit I was joking about the Def Leppard thing)
>set up magic schools in Canterlot
>has campaigned for various political reforms (most probably having to do with sodomy laws)
>brought criminals to justice (except himself of course)
>creates interactive comics
>passed the "impossible test" at the Blah blah academy of something something who gives a shit
Ordinarily I'd make some kind of snarky remark about you blatantly ripping off Captain Kirk's backstory, but frankly it's nice to see you ripping off something that isn't Naruto or Pokeshit for once. It shows growth, sort of. Oh, wait, you specifically make a point of mentioning that he didn't cheat the way Kirk did. I stand corrected, this is clearly a completely original work.

Anyway, this next paragraph should really be quoted verbatim:
>nopony knows how he did it! He didn't have his magical system jump-started by the shock from a sonic rainboom, he didn't tap into some incredible potential power he was born with, he only had his wits and his determination to win, and he outsmarted a test nopony in over a thousand years has ever been able to pass!

Yep, you all read that correctly. Silver "I make plaster casts of my dick and sell them as wands to Harry Potter fans" Star's backstory has officially been recognized as cooler than Twilight Sparkle's, by none other than Twilight Sparkle herself. Anyway, naturally Twilight is beside herself with giddiness, so much so that she puts on her absolute fanciest of fancy fancy dresses to go and completely prostrate herself before Silver's almighty munchkin dong.

Jesus fuck. If I ever have a kid, I am going to lock him in his room and make him read portions of this when he misbehaves. No, scratch that, if I did that I would probably be arrested for child abuse.

Poor Twilight does not deserve this.

Not as bad(?) as in the other thread ( >>166259 ), here's a complete list of Nigel's posts ITT
>>4045
>>4046
>>4048
>>4050
>>4054
>>4078
>>4080
>>4082
>>4085
>>4098
>>4100
>>4101
>>4103
>>4104
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>>4126
>>4222
>>4262
>>4317
>>4358
There's less of them cuz he abandoned thread once his precious fic started getting dissected, then came back in the last post on the list to posture like he'd forgotten he was getting BTFO

>>4364
>>4111
>>4120
>>4222

>For Silver Star, seeing Applejack again after all these years was like getting a magically-accelerated steel rod launched at terminal velocity right into his soul
So, apparently Silver knows Applejack from someplace. I'm assuming since you specifically refer to him as Silver Star Apple in the title, the implication is that Silver gives himself Nestle Quik™ enemas and hangs around by the docks asking sailors if they would like to churn some chocolate butter. I also assume you are implying that Silver is somehow related to the Apple family. Even though most members of the Apple family have names and/or cutie marks that revolve around apples, and absolutely nothing about your character even remotely suggests apples to anyone. Or maybe that's going to be some crazy big reveal at some point, maybe it will turn out that his cutie mark was apples the whole time or something, who knows. I'm ashamed to admit I'm legitimately curious to find out.

Anyway, with about your usual level of narrative prowess, Silver just randomly shows up at Applejack's barn, Applejack politely greets him and leads him to the barn, and that's a scene. Have I ever mentioned that you have absolutely no idea how to tell a story? Because you have absolutely no idea how to tell a story. This scene is pretty much classic clumsily-written Nigel prose, where a character just shows up at a location, another character is there, and the text proceeds to just tell us what happens with absolutely no dialog and nothing even remotely interesting happening for several paragraphs.

I guess he's here because of the party that is being thrown on his behalf, which at least makes sense, but as usual your characters never emote or say or do anything particularly interesting. We are informed that Silver is overcome with some level of emotion at seeing AJ after all this time, which he has to contain because he doesn't want her to know it's him for whatever the fuck reason, I'm assuming this will be explained eventually. But AJ herself just behaves like an empty emotionless robot reading lines or performing actions, much like Twilight in most of the scenes she's been in, and Pinkie in the scenes she's been in. Your characters are hardly ever believable; you have them walk around and do stuff, or give them lines to say, and occasionally they sound or act like their counterparts in the show, but it's never convincing; your characters just don't speak or act the way real people(ponies) would. I can only think of two instances in this story so far where you've written dialog where the characters behave like living beings: the scene with RD where she's talking to Silver about Daring Do books, and the previous scene where Twilight and Spike are arguing over who can deepthroat Silver's cock the longest.

In both instances it's possible to read the dialog being spoken and imagine the character it's associated with actually saying it, mostly because it's one of the rare occasions where you have these characters talking about something they're interested in or excited about, rather than just delivering lines that convey information. This is probably because in both of these scenes you have them talking about things that you yourself are interested in; spergy fanboy autism in the case of the RD/Silver conversation, and your old goto topic, "how awesome is Silver Star?", in the case of Spike/Twilight.

Stop trying to write interdimensional space epics and just spend some time learning how to write convincing stories where two or more characters interact with each other. Look at the show itself. Except for the season openers and closers where most of the big villains appear, the vast majority of episodes are constructed around simple premises you could explain in single sentence. Applejack and Rainbow Dash have a race. Twilight has five friends and only two gala tickets. Fluttershy wants to sing but has stage fright. The stories are simple, but the events that happen in the stories are not what the episodes are about. As I've said before, this is primarily a show about these individual characters and how they interact with each other. Part of the reason the show has gone downhill imo is that the writers have forgotten that to a large extent and just keep adding dumb gimmicks.

Once you've got that figured out you can write all the crazy space epics you want, maybe even one that someone besides you might actually want to read. Anyway, moving on. Silver shows up, an emotionless paper doll that looks like Applejack leads him to the barn, and then suddenly:

>"SURPRISE!!!" Six ponies and one Dragon and a bunch of other less-important ponies suddenly called out.
Oh, that's a nice way to phrase it. "The six ponies I barely give a shit about, their dragon sidekick and a bunch of background characters threw my faggot OC a party. Cool."

Why are you even writing in this universe, anyway? Serious question btw. It seems like you'd rather be writing in the universe of Naruto or Pokemon or Sonic the Hedgehog. Your pony universe is basically just shit you've ripped off from Naruto and Pokemon and Sonic the hedgehog blended into a smoothie of autism with a thin skin of Pony on top. Seriously, why ponies? Why these characters? You don't seem to honestly give a shit about any of them at all, you just want to write shonen manga stories about cool guys with cool powers getting into cool battle scenes. It honestly makes about as much sense as a ten year old girl who wants to write stories about everyday friendship problems setting her story in the Dragonball Z universe.

>>4366
10/10 tbh fam

>>4367
I don't think Nigel has any more idea of how to write Applejack than the vast majority of the fanbase or even the show staff do, hence why she's an emotionless robot. I mean, he can't write any of them properly, but my best guess is that he's gonna give Applejack an entirely new personality when she realises who Silver "I need to shove as many things in my anus as possible to see how wide it can stretch for science" Star is that no one has ever seen before except him, even her closest family members to cover up his inability to write rural characters.

>>4368
btfo op wrote it

>>4367
>>4111
>>4120
>>4222
I'd like to take a moment and go over this paragraph:
>In front of the party table, there was a pink pony, looking absolutely overjoyed. To her left, there was What's-Her-Name, the shy yellow Pegasus who was a model for a while(Not that he paid much attention to fashion... and now, he wished he'd at least bothered to try and remember her name) and a white Unicorn he recognized as Rarity(He certainly paid attention to the business world, and he'd heard of the self-taught fashionista from Ponyville who had managed to get several influential ponies on her side, making a name for herself despite her humble beginnings. He liked her, she was cool.). On Pinkie's right, there was Twilight Sparkle, Alicorn Princess and Element of Magic and general all-around chosen one, who had a pleasant smile on her face, and next to her, there was a small baby dragon, the one who saved the Crystal Empire that one time... Spike? Behind them, there was a bunch of unimportant ponies in the background, including one exceedingly unimportant reddish mare with a redder Pinkie-ish mane and tail.

This is basically Silver "I pay truck drivers to slurp rancid tuna salad out of my asshole" Star's "introduction" to the mane 6. I say "introduction" because (yawn, of course) he knows all of them already. Or, rather, he knows "of" them. It technically makes sense that he would be familiar with them, since it's established that he's diligent about research and most of the stories involving the Elements of Harmony would probably be big news in Equestria. The issue here though is that it's just dull to read. We already know these characters, Silver already knows these characters, so what's the point of going over each one? It's just one more giant, flashing neon sign pointing to the fact that you chose a bad story premise and a bad character to put in it. Even though this is just another woefully generic "anon's self-insert OC goes on a super cool adventure with the main cast, who are all really impressed by how cool he is" amateur <insert series name here> fanfiction, you make it even more tedious to read by establishing that your OC already knows everything about the world he's in and the characters he's going to meet. It's the same old problem again: your OC is too perfect, too powerful, too omniscient. There's no opportunity for growth here so why am I reading?

>In front of the party table, there was a pink pony, looking absolutely overjoyed.
Silver should already know Pinkie Pie's name.

>To her left, there was What's-Her-Name, the shy yellow Pegasus
Fluttershy can't do anything that would impress Silver so naturally he doesn't give a shit about her. You make it doubly insulting by establishing that Silver is aware of her existence, but seems to regard her as an unimportant member of the group because she doesn't have any rad powers.

>a white Unicorn he recognized as Rarity(He certainly paid attention to the business world, and he'd heard of the self-taught fashionista from Ponyville who had managed to get several influential ponies on her side, making a name for herself despite her humble beginnings.
"I don't just like myself, I also like ponies who remind me of myself." Have I mentioned that I hate your OC?

>He liked her, she was cool.
"Silver "the zebra cock inhaler" Star thinks I'm cool? Wow! Life's mission: accomplished!"
-- nopony

>Twilight Sparkle, Alicorn Princess and Element of Magic and general all-around chosen one
Not surprising he'd recognize Twilight I guess, somewhat dismissive description of her though.

>and next to her, there was a small baby dragon, the one who saved the Crystal Empire that one time... Spike?
Your character is familiar with significant plot developments in the series, we get it. Let's move on.

>Behind them, there was a bunch of unimportant ponies in the background
Again, I'd just like to say that this sort of dismissive description gets on my nerves. Whoever these ponies are, they took the time to come to a party being thrown for this testicle-juggler, I feel like that should at least entitle them to a brief description. If you don't want to go over them in detail you could at least say something like "There were some other ponies he didn't recognize" or "some ponies he didn't know". Bluntly calling them "unimportant" is just rude.

>including one exceedingly unimportant reddish mare with a redder Pinkie-ish mane and tail
I have no idea what pony you're trying to reference here. Deliberately singling her out to be insulted seems to imply that it's somepony Silver has a grudge against, but is it Silver's grudge or yours? I suspect the latter, and if that's the case you're just pointlessly breaking the fourth wall again. I get the impression this is another one of your jabs at some autistic detail of the show you don't care for, but you might want to consider spelling it out a little better for those of us less in the know, or better yet, just leaving it out entirely since probably no one cares. If she's not important, why put her in the scene to begin with?

>He blinked, and Pinkie suddenly popped up from below his field of vision and interrupted his thoughts. "Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie, and I threw this party just for you! Isn't this exciting? Are you excited? Cause I'm excited. I've never been so excited! Well, except for the time when I went-"
Aaaaand, in case this fanfic wasn't quite generic enough for the discerning connoisseurs who want the really generic stuff, here's the obligatory "Pinkie Pie being overly hyper and random because that's just what she does" part. For someone who complains this much about the show, you sure seem to make a lot of the same mistakes that its writers are frequently blamed for.

Anyway, after all this, Silver teleports himself outside because he needs to fart. Yes, that is what actually happens. This seems like a continuity error to me, since it's been clearly established that Silver's farts no longer make noise.

>>4372
>>4111
>>4120
>>4222

Moving along. After meeting all the show's main characters, Silver randomly teleports himself outside to fart (yes, once again, this is actually what happens in the story and not me shitposting). In what is probably the most cringe-inducing scene in the story so far (an impressive feat in itself), Twilight follows him outside to see what the matter is. He explains to her that he had to fart, then specifically explains that he is standing upwind of her and that's why she can't smell anything. She didn't ask him why she couldn't smell anything. He just volunteers this information for no reason.

From there, he launches into a standard "Aw, shucks, this isn't how I expected our first encounter to be" speech where he conveniently plants the thought in her mind that he had given advance thought to what meeting her would be like.

>Silver was torn. Did he go for the funny option, and say he didn't expect her to interrogate him over his flatulence, put her on the spot for how weird this was, then get her to want to change the subject as much as he did?
I'm almost afraid to ask, Nigel, but was there a reason you even thought it would be a good idea to include a fart scene in the first place?

>Or did he try to change the subject himself, and reveal some sort of pre-held belief (He couldn't currently remember the official word for that, but he was sure such a word existed)
"previously-held belief" would have worked just fine here, without the autistic explanation in parentheses.

Then we have this:
>“I was sure we'd talk about magic, scientific discoveries, art, culture, what we're working on, current events, the world as a whole, and so much more.” He said with a slight shade of hopefulness to his voice. “The things we'd achieved in our time, and the things we wanted to achieve. What we wanted for ourselves, and what we wanted for Equestria.”
>“I'd like that,” Twilight said.

Translation:
Silver: "I was really hoping we could sit around and talk about how awesome we both are, especially me."
Twilight: System.Audio.Play("TS_standard_response_009893.wav");

And then:
>“Let's go back to the party.” Silver said, his horn lighting up with a bright blue light. Showing off, he reared up and flexed his chest muscles before slamming a hoof into the ground, an orange shockwave rippling along the ground to solidify around them.
>Before either of their eyes noticed, they were back in the barn.

Well, that clears that up. I was wondering why this scene was even in here. Turns out, you needed to get both Silver and Twilight outside the barn so you could show off the fact that Silver is capable of using some kind of fancy new magic trick to transport them both back into the barn. Still, though. "I teleported outside because I had to fart?" That's really the best you could come up with?

So, after making a stupid excuse for why he just randomly disappeared out of the barn for no reason, Silver chuckles like a faggot and the already awkwardly constructed party sequence can finally resume. Or...can it?

>Meanwhile, Aquilla remained at his home, completely forgotten by Silver as she ordered fox-ponies and birds around, having them put everything in his house away properly.
There is literally no reason for this sentence to even be in here. Nobody gives a shit where Aquilla is right now. If she's not here, the assumption is that she is probably somewhere else. If you have something important to say about what Aquilla is doing, then as soon as you reach a sensible place to cut away from the party (end of the fart scene would have probably been fine) just <insert horizontal line break> and switch over to Aquilla. If all you want to say is that Aquilla is off somewhere doing something else that isn't important to anything currently going on, don't.

>In the Barn, Silver decided to talk to Pinkie. “You know, there's something I wanted to say to you earlier today, but you rushed off before I could get the chance.” He admitted.
>"What's that?" Pinkie wondered happily, tilting her head to the side. The idea that this might be something unpleasant didn't even seem to occur to her. After all, how could anypony not like her? She was loveable.
>"You. Are. ADORABLE!" Silver declared happily, a big dumb grin spreading across his face, to the surprise of many ponies, Twilight and Rarity included. "Look at you, you're like a big pink puppy!"

Jesus Christ Nigel, this is seriously the most awkwardly written narrative I've ever read. I mean, do you even read the shit you type after you type it, or is this just some kind of rambling stream of consciousness where you just type your thoughts and publish them?

I mean, here is basically the readers digest version of your barn scene up to this point:

"Silver 'if writing novels were anything like butt sex I would be mark fucking twain' Star goes to the barn. Applejack is there. She says hello and Silver says hello. He goes into the barn. Everypony yells 'surprise'. All the ponies are there, let me describe them *describes ponies*. Some of the ponies are not important and I will say who is not important so you know. Then Silver teleports outside to fart. Then Twilight Sparkle teleports outside to see why Silver teleported outside. He says it was because he had to fart. Twilight says "oh." Then they decide to teleport back inside. Pinkie Pie is there. Silver decides to talk to Pinkie Pie. He goes up to Pinkie Pie and tells her she is cute liek pupper."

There is honestly just so much autism here I'm not even sure where to begin. It's going to have to wait until next post.

>>4373
>pre-held belief
I'm assuming either Prejudice or Preconception is the word Nigel was looking for.
>Aquilla
Meanwhile, Bob the Janitor was defrosting his freezer. Weird Al anyone? anyone?

>>4372
You change flags more often than some people take showers.

>>4376
You're crazy.

>>4377
don't ignore the fact you gave a nigel story a 10/10
nazi btfo
nazis go home?

>>4373
>>4111
>>4120
>>4222

So, when we last left off, Silver was petting Pinkie like a puppy. This scene was probably intended to be cute or funny, but the autism here is just off the charts. Let's examine some key passages.

>He stroked her mane like she was a cute little dog, and she giggled, because it tickled. His hoof travelled toward the back of her ear, and she began tapping her right hindhoof against the floor like a dog.
Ok, I'll admit this is a cute mental image. However, in the context of the scene it just makes no sense for Silver to do this all of a sudden, and the weird way your narrative jumps around here just plain makes it weird. Basically, here is the progression of events:

Silver teleports outside to fart. Twilight follows him outside. He explains to Twilight that he had to fart. This alone is jarring enough for reasons I shouldn't have to explain. Then, we have this:
>“Silver Shoes, just three-ninety-nine bits!” Silver boasted, tapping the ground and launching a piece of popcorn ten feet into the air, where his magical glow caught it and pulled it into his open mouth. “Sorry about disappearing like that, everypony, I thought there was something I'd forgotten. But there wasn't.”

Presumably, the purpose of the fart scene was to give Silver an opportunity to use his silver shoes and show off to Twilight, which...you know what, forget it. I've spent enough mental energy on the fucking fart scene and its subsequent explanation. I'm just going to say that it's ill advised, awkward, not particularly funny if it's supposed to be, even weirder if it's not, and you should give serious thought to cutting it out of the story.

Next, we have that completely random mention of Aquilla back at home doing the dishes or whatever that I mentioned in the last post was unnecessary. After that, Silver just randomly approaches Pinkie Pie and asks if he can pet her. See what I'm saying? This is just a sequence of events that just happen without being connected in a way that makes sense. I just find it difficult to imagine these or any characters behaving the way you have them behave, and that includes Silver himself. Even in the case of Pinkie wagging her tail like a puppy or whatever the fuck, it's cute but it's just weird. Silver's barely even spoken to this pony and he just randomly approaches her and asks to pet her? Does that sound like something someone would normally do at a party? This is not normal behavior. I get that this is kind of meant to be the point, but what is clearly meant to be humor just comes across as cringey and awkward, and like I said the sequence of events just doesn't make much sense. You've made it abundantly clear you don't care for my advice in general and that's your prerogative, but you should still seriously consider a thorough rewrite of this scene. At least cut the damn fart scene.

Anyway, RD seems to agree with me that Silver is behaving like a creepy weirdo and asks him to stop petting her friend. So, Silver does this:
>Silver's horn lit up and he formed a portal beneath him, casually falling through it and out of a forming vertical portal that put Pinkie between himself and Rainbow Dash, and he stroked Pinkie's mane harder while staring right at her, causing her to perform what those in another world called a memeface. "A party involving me isn't weird until there are seventh-dimensional birds flying around violating causality and dimensional boundaries like they're casual suggestions!” He declared overdramatically.

I'm not even going to bother trying to convince you anymore that having your character do stuff like this is ill-advised; I'll just focus on trying to convince you to write it better. What he's doing here is difficult to visualize the way you describe it. I get that he basically invokes Portal logic to move himself from point A to point B, but the position of the ponies is hard to keep track of. The problem is the magic trick transports Silver, but you describe it as "(he) put Pinkie between himself and Rainbow Dash." It focuses the reader's attention on where Pinkie is instead of where Silver is, and we frankly don't know where RD is because you don't specify. Pinkie is stationary, Silver moves, you should be announcing his position, not Pinkie's. I'll also mention this is a run-on sentence that should be broken up.

I would phrase it something like this:
>Silver's horn lit up, and he fell through a portal that formed beneath him, emerging through a second portal that dropped him on the other side of Pinkie. He continued to stroke her mane..."
If you want to emphasize that he did this to place Ponk between himself and RD, have RD interject something, like "Hey get back here" or something similar. In fact, if you're going to do the Portal gag, you'd actually be better off having it happen two more times instead of just once. Have it where RD runs over and tries to step between them again, so Silver pulls the portal trick again so he's back on the other side. She runs back over to that side and he does it again, and keeps petting Pinkie in between portals. Stop at three total iterations though; it's a generally accepted rule that 3 is the magic number of times the same thing will be funny in sequence. The other ponies could potentially also find this amusing and laugh; that way it looks like he's doing this to be charming and funny, instead of just having him start petting Ponk for no reason like a creepy weirdo. Could be a small step on the rather long journey of making your OC come across as less of a douche.

If you can ease into the petting business a little less awkwardly, make your characters behave a little more naturally, and lay out the Portal gag better, this could actually be a rather amusing scene.

Oh, one more thing: could you please not ever use the word "memeface" in a story again, and consider cutting it out of this one? It pretty much demeans us all. Just describe her expression, or leave it out entirely.

>>4379
>If you can ease into the petting business a little less awkwardly
If he had Pinkie being the one that approached him, it could honestly work better since we all know that one of her character traits/flaws is not knowing personal bounderies. I am refering to how she acted in: "A Friend Indeed."
Otherwise, I am a sucker for fluff myself but Silver acted towards PP as she would have done towards a filly. I don't know if it fits SS character. Wasn't he like depressed and shit?

>>4380
>If he had Pinkie being the one that approached him, it could honestly work better since we all know that one of her character traits/flaws is not knowing personal bounderies.
Yeah, I think that makes more sense too. The irony is when I first read this section I was just going to make fun of it, but after pulling it apart I think it might actually be salvageable, it just needs a heavy rewrite. He needs to establish more of a relationship between Silver and Ponk before this scene happens, or least have them speak to each other briefly, and probably have Pinkie be the one who approaches or initiates/invites physical contact as you said. Maybe balance out the earlier scene where he's talking to Rainbow Dash, make it a 3 way conversation so they all get to know each other. Seems to me Pinkie is easy enough to make friends with, it shouldn't be hard to set them up as having some type of established relationship before all this happens, even if it's just a casual "you seem cool let's hang out sometime" kind of thing.

>I don't know if it fits SS character. Wasn't he like depressed and shit?
Nigel's biggest shortcoming is characterization. He really has a hard time figuring out who any of these characters are and making their words and actions fit that mold, and this includes the characters he creates himself. Now that you mention it I think that's a big part of what feels wrong in this scene. Everything that happens here is out of place with everything else, especially Silver's behavior.

Silver tends to be all over the place. One minute he's he's an arrogant, coldhearted gangster, the next he's acting like some kind of hero philanthropist, the next he's a mopey emo complaining about how unfulfilled he is. His random autistic "I want to pet you like a puppy" behavior comes out of absolutely nowhere, and is so completely inconsistent with anything we know about him so far that it's jarring. It's clearly written to either be funny or cute and random, it may even be an attempt to make him more sympathetic. However it comes across as borderline rapist/molester type behavior because the impression we have of Silver thus far is that he's a self-centered narcissist and possible sociopath. Even the desires he expresses to find love or friendship are ultimately self-serving; thus far we've been introduced to a character that wants to have friends, not to be one. Thus, a scene that's intended to soften your impression of the character just makes you slightly more repulsed by him.

>>4378
To be honest with you I didn't really read it, I just skimmed the first couple of paragraphs, concluded it was a shitpost, and gave you a "well memed, my friend!" response. If you want a serious analysis of it, then fine, here you go:

From Wikipedia:
>Poe's law is an adage of Internet culture stating that, without a clear indicator of the author's intent, it is impossible to create a parody of extreme views so obviously exaggerated that it cannot be mistaken by some readers for a sincere expression of the parodied views.

In essence, this text can be interpreted one of two ways: either it is a sarcastic parody of a "guide" to writing Sonic fanfiction intended to mock the kind of autistic individual who would write such a guide, or else it is an actual, unironic guide to writing Sonic fanfiction, written by just such an individual. Without knowing context or source, we will never truly be certain which it is, so I am just going to assume it's real writing advice and treat it as such.

Taken as writing advice, this text does offer a few decent tips and tricks for the aspiring autistic writer of autistic Sonic fanfiction. I particularly like the awesomeness math™ method for determining a character's awesomeness, as awesomeness can be a difficult trait to quantify. I was disappointed, however, that it does not expand upon this concept by pointing out that you can exponentially increase awesomeness by combining awesome characters from different series. For instance, if you take Rainbow Dash (decidedly the most awesome character in MLP) and combine her with Goku, the awesomest character from DBZ, you get a character called Rainboku, who is probably the most awesome character ever conceived by anyone. Incidentally, Nigel, you can't ever use her, because she is copyrighted, by me.

Rainboku is a horse with a tragic past and a bright future. Bright as in explosions, which you will see in a moment. That is called foreshadowing, and it is a literary technique, but you can't use it because it is copyrighted, by me. Anyway, Rainboku was born on a far-off alien world, and was frequently made fun of for being the only Super-Saiyan horse with a rainbow colored mane and super awesome powers, and also she could run really really fast, and also she was traumatized when her home planet was destroyed, by a mysterious fighter which turned out to be her from the future. You see that? That was what the foreshadowing was for. But I will remind you again that nobody but me is allowed to do that.

Rainboku has a chip on her shoulder because her father was Bill Cosby and her mother was Wonder Woman, and they would frequently get drunk and violent and sometimes sexual with her. That is why you can never mention the name Bill Cosby around her, because it reminds her of the time she was molested by Wonder Woman. However she has a heart of gold underneath it all, and when push comes to shove, she can summon laser beams which shoot out of her eyes and destroy aliens and Bill Cosby other bad people, which is why her home planet banished her to Equestria once they found out that it was her from the future that had destroyed her home planet. Also, her home planet had been moved to a different planet at that point, because the original planet had been destroyed. By Rainboku.

Anyway, in summation, Nigel's brilliant writing advice in Sonic Sonic Sonic is truly an inspiration to us all. It is a fine continuation of the ancient, noble tradition of old masters passing their tips and tricks down to a younger generation. Anyone with autism or autism-related conditions who wishes to write really super awesome Sonic fanfiction could benefit immensely from this guide.

Thus, after thorough analysis, my original rating still stands:
10/10 tbh, fam.

>>4381
I am going to follow you now on this thread btw. I have been an aspireing writer, although on and off, since I was small and this is one of my major intrests. No-one cared for my thread on reviewing and I have learned from these two threads that I might not get popular on this site if I attention-whore about it by posting a new one.
I simply have to come to terms with the fact that nobody notice me just like irl. I once walked into the girls' lockerroom after gym class while they were undressing and I was nothing to them. Sadpepe.jpg. I am just joking I am not actually sad.
What I think is most jarring about all this is the fact that Nigel sometimes says smart things but then goes back to write about fart scenes. Some of his comments in the other thread about fim are, what I would consider, top-notch epiphanies but his own story is filled with brainfarts Joke intended
I don't like to write too much so I am trying to summarize all his flaws into one sentence but it is hard with out it becoming a run-on-sentence.
Also, Nigel. I know this isn't funny to hear. I would also be a bit torn if people told me that my story that I had invested time and energy in was bad. However, you should try to see this as your own character arc's rockbottom to overcome. Take what you learn from glimglam with others, maybe the entirety of the two threads and rewrite or write a new story.
To sum up basicly what everyone probably has already said: Your story has no direction. Scenes are therefore irrelevent in the grand scheme of things since there is no ggrand scheme; no goal. Your charactes are inconsistent and undefined.
There is more but in my opinion those are your major flaws.

>introduced to a character that wants to have friends, not to be one
Which actually could be his character arc. That he consider himself the best and therefore feels entiled to be the center of attention all the time but later learns to care about others than myself.
I even think Nigel has begun to claim that that is the purpose of his character in the other thread. The reason I say, "claim" however, is because there hasn't been a single piece of evidence so far in the story, from what I can understand, in the story thus far and Nigel simply says that he will have it happen in future chapters.
I seems to me that he is realising that Silver is indeed not developing. He practicly admitted that was the case.
But here is the thing: If there is parts of your story were nothing develops, then cut it out.

You know what Nigel I am going to write your story for you in a WAY shorter version for you. I anyway need to pratcise my writting skills and I don't feel like I am actually giving away too much of my own unquie:er storylines. The basic story is already there and that story is nothing too orignal in my view so I might aswell.
I have even thought of actually posting my own storyline ideas simply because it is the current year and I rather share it with you guys anyway. But I haven't decided yet so I will hold onto it a bit longer.

>>4384
>o much of my own unquie:er storylines.
I am sorry for my preteniousness. I need to be taken down a step by reading a fucking book once in while and not just think that all the world novels are just shonen-tier manga.

If I had to make Silver a more consistent and liked character, but I could only do so by adding up to 5000 words of content to earlier chapters and scenes overall, what would you suggest?

>He stopped his reading when his secretary walked into his office and put a tray on his desk. He scanned the tray and saw that it had the can of coffee, an empty cup and a sandwich that he had asked for but he also noted something he hadn't asked for. There was a blueberry muffin on the tray.
”Coffe, sir?” Aquilla his Griffin secretary said.
>He put down his book and rolled his eyes before he pointed at the muffin.
”What is that?” he asked.
>Aquilla being a little taken aback by his weird question answered with the obvious.
”A muffin.”
”No, I mean why is it on my tray. If you are trying to bribe me with baked goods, then you should know it is futile and I will not give you an increase for that.” He stared at her coldly with eyes piercing into her.
”No, that wasn't my intent sir... Really, I just baked some for my children back home before I got here and thought that you might want one too.” Aquilla blather nervously as she looked at the hem on her maid outfit that she was fiddling with her talons.
”Aha.” Silence filled the room for a moment before Silver spoke up. ”Well, are you going to fill my cup today or...”
”Sorry, sir.” Aquilla a bit stressed got into action and poured him a cup. She managed to even with her hasty movements not to spill anything. When she had was done, she put the edibles and the cup on his desk with the exception of the muffin. When she kept the muffin on the tray, Silver said.
”I will eat the muffin but I only wanted to make sure that you didn't get any false hopes up.” He pointed on the muffin and with dragging motion towards his desk. In the beginning, it seemed like Aquilla was annoyed by this but when she meets Silver's gaze she gave him a smile but it seemed forced.
>She was about to turn and walked out of the office with her tray when she remembered something.
”By the way, sir. You had an appointment with a Mr. Grounds in about a half an hour but it seems he is already here. He is currently sitting in the waiting room. I am not saying that you need to take his appointment now, sir. I just wanted to tell you tha-”
”Um-ch Sen-*Swallows*-d him *slurp* in.” Silver said. His voice barely audible because he was in the middle of stuffing his mouth the muffin.
”Now?”
>He shook his head.
”Yes, now. What are you waiting for, a promotion? Go and fetch him.”
>A grimace of irritation displayed itself on Aquilla's face for but a moment before she left through the door.
>Silver had just managed to finish eating his sandwich and muffin before Mr. Grounds entered his office.
”Mr. Coffe Grounds, you are here because you wanted to discuss and potentially sell your coffee shop in Ponyville. Is that about right?” Silver said. His voice seemed almost monotone and he looked generally bored. He wasn't even looking at Ground direction but instead seemed to be searching for something in his drawer.
”Yes, and I think you will pleasantly surprised by what I am offering. Ehh?” Coffee looked around and then back to Silver. ”Do you perhaps have a chair that I may borrow?”
”No, you may not. Or Rather. You will soon be leaving anyway since I am not even remotely interested.” A grin formed on Silver's lips as he found what he was looking for and therefore looked back to face Coffee.
”But sir. I assure you that this is a great offer. If I didn't need a change of pace, I won't sell it. The shop has an interior designed by the local famous fashionista, Rarity herself. It has a great location; there exist no competing coffee shop in the district. And-” Coffee Grounds ranted on desperately until Silver interrupted him.
”That was well worded, Coffee Grounds. Kudos to you. Indeed it is the only coffeeshop in the area but there is this little bakery you see. Called Sugercube corner. Do you know about it perhaps? It has the address Ponyville Square fourteen and your shops has the same name but number seventeen.” A smirked had formed on Silver's lips. His voice was calm and quiet but there seemed to be some kind of taunting glee in his voice as he spoke.
>Coffee breathed at a faster rate and tears of sweat were starting to form on his forehead.
”Well, you see-” He began.
”And what do we have here.” Silver levitated the thing he had found in the drawer from before. It was an article that had been cut out from its newspaper but any keen news follower could clearly see by its layout that it belonged to the prestigious newspaper, Horesenews.
”This article is from five years ago. It reads: The Paraspryte Infestation in Ponyville Threatens the Local Stores in longterm. Mhm, why is that I wonder

I need to go to bed I will finish this part here. more than so I cannot say.
>>4386
If you "have to" and you feel like there is "only" one way to do so, do so.

>>4387
And that, Nigel, is how you prepare a character with advance knowledge of the situation without making it overbearing. Details flow through natural dialogue, instead of "Silver knows all this already, except it hasn't been mentioned"

>>4388
I meant if I had to do it with that "Can only add, not take away" restriction. I can not into words goodly sometimes.
>>4387
Jesus, Silver's an asshole in this. He's even an asshole about eating! And about getting food, too. But I'm curious to see where you're going with this.
And working the Parasprites from S1 into this was genius! Sometimes I think that even though I came up with some smart ways to unfuck the damage bad nu-fim decisions did to the setting of FIM, I should just skip the unfuckening parts and make the fic an AU where none of that crap happened in the first place. No friendship school to restock with proper teachers and better-written students, no dumb castle to turn into something that'd make Skyrim-playing mod-users jealous, and no "And then every poochie independently decided to fuck off over to the Crystal Empire, where they remained offscreen for the rest of the fic". It'd also remove the "I need to make Silver someone Twilight would reasonably be interested in, and could date without the 'OMG twilight is dating beneath her station! What a scandal! How unprincesslike!'" crap.
>>4389
Could you call me "Ash"? I get that a name needs to be assigned to me, but Nigel is also the name of that one dumbass on 4chan who hates MLP for "Being a kiddy thing" so much he set up a bot to tell him when people post stuff that's also on Derpibooru outside of 4/mlp/.
I don't hate MLP. Or MLPFIM. Hell, the show's nu episodes adopting that kind of "Kiddy stuff like songs and friendship are dumb and lame" attitiude for the sake of shallowly seeming "Enlightened and self-aware and above it all" is one of those things I hate about nu-FIM.

>>4390
Nigel please. For one, you're not Lee Goldson - aka Barneyfag - who is so notorious on 4chan that he's even featured in some anon's OC, including Tracy Cage. For two, why would you be called Ash when your name is Nigel, Nigel? We could call you by your real name, but that would be impolite.
Besides, you had your chance. I was willing to call you King Britanon if you had cut the crap a year ago; no such luck now! XDDD

>>4386
>>4390
>>4386
>Adding 5000 words
>I meant if I had to do it with that "Can only add, not take away" restriction.
There is no restricting you stupid retard, and there is no compromise on this either.
Learn how to kill your babies and throw out your extremely bad drafts of autistic rambling like what you wrote that are failures.

>If I had to make Silver a more consistent and liked character what would you suggest
One of the main problems with your fic and characterization of Silver as a whole is how you waste everyones time with extremely long winded blathering, either with what Silver is doing or what he's saying. And your portrayal of Silver someone to be redeemed falls flat on its face as because no pony actually reacts to him being a scumbag, so he's just getting away with murder. Look at the rewrite of the first introduction of Aquilla. >>4387 While sweedenfag uses her as a way to compare Silver to scrooge, a secretary that means well but keeping her head down is nothing new, it's better than the inconsistent garbage that you put out.

In your Chapter 1 one minute shes annoyed, the next she's impressed over stupid time magic, then shes hyped about more stupid speed magic, and then shes flying along being proud of him. There is no real consistency or depth with her character other than she gets impressed by magic and shes a lacky. But she isnt being used to contrast Silver and put him in a negative light, instead it's positive reinforcement as an empty cheer leader, compared to sweedenfag's Aquilla she is kind of disgusted by his idea of stuffing his face while he fetches the appointment. But puts up with it for the sake of job, this is a relatable character the audience can sympathize with right off the bat and puts Silver in a bad light.

In your fic the later cut-aways back to her building the house alone while Silver is at the party is out of place because its already been established she doesnt really care about being treated as a second class slave. The repeated attempts to make the audience sympathetic to her and make Silver look bad do nothing for emotional impact because she doesnt mind it, and she isnt having a hard time. The cuts away to her from Silver, then back with nothing happening. The scenes with her feel completely pointless as they neither add to the overall narrative of Silvers development, or the animu action plot. It's pure filler every time and it sucks ass. If you refuse to take away retarded pointless filler then you will still be left with ass. One more bit of information that Sweedenfag gives us is the muffin doesnt just serve that Silver is an asshole, but also shows that she (a griffon) has a better understanding of FiM's principles with friendship of sharing with no underhanded motives, than a pony which flips the usual roles on it's head.

>And working the Parasprites from S1 into this was genius! Sometimes I think that even though I came up with some smart ways to unfuck the damage bad nu-fim
>I should just skip the unfuckening parts and make the fic an AU where none of that crap happened in the first place.
This kind of response makes it clear you dont actually know why Sweedenfag actually put in the parasprites, and you just go off on your usual retarded rants about FiM. So I'm just going to point it out.

Your fic is over bloated with dumps of crammed useless information, and the handling of Silver is the biggest offender of this. You've given no time to develop any character else beyond maybe one scene and the fic is suffocated with focusing every inch of your effort on what Silver thinks, or what hes doing, or what he is saying. Filler is littered throughout your fic thats only purpose is to make Silver look good and/or demonstrate one of his '200 spells he invented', it quickly becomes obnoxious and never ends. The first scene of the fic is another prime example, there are characters like Coffee Beans and the other two that are quickly introduced but then dropped completely after Chapter 1 never to be heard from again. Meanwhile Sweedenfag cuts out all of the magic parkour crap that took up 2+ pages. Sweedenfag does a better job at giving us small bits about Silver and others, he doesnt even need to mention a retarded 8 year olds idea of kewl magical feats, something like that can be saved for later. Overloading the audience with new information is one of the quickest ways to lose them, and thats not even when it's in the form of autistic walls. In Sweedenfag's rewrite Silver still doesnt know the mane6, because he disregards that Rarity has given Coffee's a make over and raised the value, this scene doubles it's use as we dont need to repeat that Silver doesnt know the mane6 when chapter 2 starts. Sweedenfag used the newspaper to establish that Silver has more interest in Ponyville than the meeting as a hint to give us the idea that the story will involve Ponyville, it's not a way to 'fix' 'nu fim' and until you get over your bitter bias, that the ideas can have merit it's just the execution that's the problem (just like your case) then you're not going to be able to be a good story teller.

>>4387
”Let's see if we can figure it out okay?” Silver said with a juvenile voice.
”There are three things in this article that I think is interesting. Number one: One of the most affected by the parasite swarm is the store's owner Earl Grey, who runs a coffee shop in Ponyville Square- Wait a minute, Ponyville Square? Isn't that where your coffee shop is? Was there another one in Ponyville just recently?”
Coffee Beans swallowed and had a weird out of place laugh and grin.
”Uhm, Earl Grey was the last owner of the coffee shop. I bought it from him.”
”Did you now. How long time ago was this, if I may ask?”
Looking really uncomfortable Coffee answered.
”Two and half years ago.”
Silver nodded in a mock understanding.
”Let's keep reading. There is three interview in this article. They are interviewing the mayor here about some new law she has implemented. ”The municipality of Ponyville can't afford to pay for potential parasite egg merging in the future but we cannot let this happen again. Therefore I have decided that there has to be a law that if you find parasites in your home or store, you yourself most ensure that they are dealt with. So it is the law that you to take care of any parasprites if you find them since if they multiply they can cause us all damaged but the municipality won't help you with the removal of them,” said Mayor mare to our reporter.”
”If you had read your scientific paper like I do, you could have read last week, I think it was, in the latest number of Dora the Explorer that parasprite reproduced asexually by vomiting out a bunch of ”eggs”. These eggs later merge together to form a new parasprite, however, this ”later” can vary. The eggs have a biological clock on them that decides when they will merge. The time it takes can vary from immediately to, well the oldest specimen so far is from three-hundred years ago. It is speculated that they this is a mechanism to ensure that the parasprites survive even if a major catastrophe happens.”
”What means for your store is that unless there is a complete utter top-to-bottom renovation were you remove all the eggs that possibly could exist there almost wrecking your own coffee shop in the process, there can always pop-up one little parasprite that can cause havoc in Ponyville. And if I then own the store from where the parasprite, I will need a good lawyer.”
Coffee Beans seemed to be turning pale even though he had fur.
”I by no means meant to deceive you. It is not as bad as it sounds. It-” Coffee said quickly.
”I am not done.” Silver said, which caused Coffee to stop promptly.
”Not only do I have to be on constant alert that no parasprites minutes from my shop but I also have to pay professionals to remove them. They do mention that in the article, by the way, that the poison used to kill off parasprites and their eggs are completely different. The first one is harmless against ponies, the other one is hazardous and costs a fortune, which they speculate that none of the stores could reasonably afford to do.”
Before Coffe could interject Silver continued talking.
”And to top it off. I have tasted a cake made by your competition. They along with some other chefs made a collaboration of some sort that won the national dessert competition that was held in Canterlot a few years back. And what do I have to compete with them with Coffee and FUCKING sandwiches!” Silver had suddenly realized that he was justified to be angry at this pony who tried to trick him so he shouted out the last part and slammed his hooves on his desk.
”B-but s-sir!” Coffee had backed away with his hooves in the air.
”You got duped two years ago and now you're trying to dupe me!”
”Two and a half.”
”It doesn't matter! You idiot!”
Silence lingered in the air for a moment before Coffee turned for the door. When he had reached the door, Silver called.
”Come back.” Silver said. He seemed to have calmed down and was now leaning back in his armchair with a bored expression.
Coffee did as he was told and walked back to the desk. His face showed signs of fear as if he feared that Silver would reprimand him in some way.
”What prized had you imagine to sell it for?”Silver asked.
Coffee braced himself.
”Two-hundred-thousand bits,” he said as he braced himself.
”Make that fifty-thousand bits instead. I am not going to bid higher for this-” He trailed off for a moment as he made circler motions with his hoof while he was searching for the right word.”-place.”
>Coffee pondered it for a moment before he agreed. The transaction went fast enough. Silver read thoroughly through the contract to make sure everything was well with it. Aquilla had come in during this an offered coffee to them but Silver had declined on Coffee Beans behalf before he had could answer. Saying that something along the line that, ”He wanted a change of pace away from coffee.” After both Silver had signed the two copies of the contract with their signatures and Silver had handed Coffee a check of fifty-thousand bits, Coffe who was fuming at this point walked out of the office.

>>4393
>Silver drank from his new cup of coffee. While looking at the newly signed contract, his eyes began to wander over to the news article. As previously stated there were three ponies interviewed in it: Earl Grey, Mayor Mare, and the last one, Applejack.
>He stared grimly at the last name and then looked back at the contract again.
”Honesty, huh, Applejack? ” He whispered to himself.
>Letting go of those thoughts. He swiveled around in his chair and looked out at Canterlot through the window that could only be described as a glass wall.
>The sun was sinking down behind the horizon. He looked over his shoulder and to the clock on his desk.
>He snickered a bit to himself as he saw what time it was and spun a few laps in his chair before he stopped at his desk.
>Then there was a knock on the door.
”You may enter.”
>Aquilla walked in.
”I will soon be taking my leave for today, sir. I just wanted to know if there was anything you want me to do before I go,” Aquilla said.
”Oh, nothing really... Perhaps you could pour me a shot of that whiskey by Emerald whiskers. I feel like celebrating It is a transparent bottle with a big label that reads Liquid Emeralds. It is in that cupboard, the second shelf from the top to the right.” He pointed at cupboard in the corner of the room. ”Also before you leave today I would like you to book a chariot flight for tomorrow I am going to visit my newly bought shop in Ponyville.”
>Aquilla nodded and said.
”I'll make sure that I do it before I leave.”
She waited for a thank you but Silver had already begun staring out the window again.
>Aquilla then went into action and found the bottle and a shot-glass rather quickly in the cupboard. As she began to screw the cork into the cork of the bottle, Silver stood with his back turned towards her and looked out the window.
”Hehehe, the princess lowered the sun too early today. Tsk tsk, Princess what are you doing?” Silver said in a chirpy voice.
>This caused Aquilla to giggle a little, which caused Silver to smiled proudly over himself but the smile faltered as quickly as it had come.
”How's your day sir? You sound cheerful.” Aquilla had finished removing the cork from the bottle and was ready to pour him a shot.
He turned around and sat down in at his desk again.
”Ha, we don't know yet. I might regret this day later but I believe I should be able to turn this location into something beneficial in the end. Can you believe that that guy intended to sell such a place for such a prize? That he even dared to try to trick me.” Silver said, seemingly fascinated by the nerve of Coffee Beans.
”He tried to trick you?” Aquilla said as she glanced at the door.
”Indeed he did.”
”Then I understand that you are upset and didn't want to offer him any coffee before. How shameless,” she said. Then she saw that he still had some coffee in his cup. ”Do you want to pour you shot now even though you still got some coffee left.” She pointed with a claw at the cup.
”Yes, do that. I will drink it now.”
>As Aquilla held both the bottle and the glass as she pours it, Silver mumbled something.
”Like you are any different.”
>Aquilla's face contorted to that of complete rage for a second and threw down the glass into the floor. It shattered in thousands of pieces and left a transparent green puddle on the wooden floor.
”No! I am not like that!”
>Both of them seemed stunned and shock by what had just transpired. Aquilla woke up first from the shock and put the bottle back on the desk. Before her eyes went searching for a paper or a rag to wipe it up with.
”I am sorry sir.”
>This shock Silver out of his slumber.
”You better be! Do you know how much that brew and glass cost? The things I own are not for breaking! They are expensive, you moron!” he shouted at her and practically stood on his desk with his hooves planted on it.
>Aquilla had already gotten past her point of patience so it was easy to make her angry again.
”You can not call me that! I'm not a moron or some con-artist after your money! If you keep on berating me like this, I'll quit! I 'll quit. I tell you.”
”No, you don't quit because you're fired!”

>>4394
>Those words made Aquilla lose her breath. Slackjawed she just stared straight into the wall. Then she turned to Silver with tears in her eyes and a pleading look.
”P-p-please sir. I-I have kids... I need this job...” Aquilla was now sitting on her haunches with her claws clasped together as if she prayed.
>Silver still looked angry and sort of disgusted. His upper lip rose and crinkle displayed itself between his eyebrows and he was practically shaking.
”Well, you should have thought about that before you threw a temper tantrum in my office. Now leave and don't show your face here again,” he said.
>At fist Aquilla didn't seem to want to move. She just sat there as if this was all bad dream that she soon would wake up from. She only got up and walked to the door when Silver said, ”Are you deaf? I said get out.”
>Just before she was about to close the door after her, she leaned on its handle like she needed to support herself and stuck her head in through the crack of the door into Silver's office. Her head low and she wasn't looking at Silver but the floor when she spoke.
”You know. You are right. I lied this morning. I didn't bake those muffins for my children. I baked them for you.” She looked up at him. He looked surprised. ”I wanted to thank you for getting this job two weeks ago and also... Because I pity you. In my life, I have never met someone, pony nor Griffin, as lonely as you. You spend all your day occupied in the top of this tower isolated. To me, it seems as if you don't have any loved ones in your life.” She noticed his perplexed expression. ”Do you?”
>Her question was meet with silence because Silver was thinking about the question.
”I thought so,” Aquilla said before she closed the door behind her and left the office.
>Waking up from his shellshock, Silver sprung into action and tried to catch up to her. As he opened the door to exit his office he saw that Aquilla was half-way through the corridor that leads to the elevator.
>With quick steps he caught up to her and walked alongside her as he spoke.
”Ha, pretty clever retort you had back there. Yeah, I am the bad guy because you actually thought about me. Right. I believe in that.” As he talked the got to the elevator and Aquilla pushed a button and the doors opened and she walked inside leaving Silver there.”It was more like you wanted to secure your position not by actually hard work but by milking my.”
Aquilla looked at him with almost pitiful eyes as she said.
”Goodbye, Silver Star.”
>Then the elevator doors shut close.
”Yeah, that is right no rebuttal!” He screamed at the elevator and then began walking back to his office. Well, there he saw the mess on the floor looked at the open bottle that still stood on the desk. He grabbed it as he walked by the desk and to a doorway that leads out on his balcony. He opened it and walked out. The day had turned into night and the moon and the stars were out.
>Above his head on the wall of his incredibly high skyscraper stood the logo for his company, ”Silver's Industries” in pop-out black color contrasted from the rest of the silver colored skyscraper.
>As looked down on the city below but couldn't see any ponies from this height. His tower was only rivaled by Canterlot's castle itself.
>Something stung in his chest and he took a large swig of his bottle.
”No, it is not I who is the bad.guy. I have just realized the truth.” He whispered to himself. ”All ponies are by nature selfish and only gullible fools believe that anyone genuinely cares for another.”He looked back at the door in his office as if he was addressing it. ”Anyone who believes that they actually have friends are fools. You are stupid!” He shouted the last part, then he turned towards the city below again and screamed from the top of his lungs down at them. ”YOU ARE ALL IDIOTS!” In his scream, his voice cracked.
>Howver, since he was so high up the ponies below, didn't see and even less hear him.

>And then he farted.

>>4395
That's how I imagine the first chapter be like. I do however lacck more ideas right now so won't continue it because I am not sure how I would go about. I probably get him to mett Twi in some way and have him fall head over hels for her.

>>4392
>that she (a griffon) has a better understanding of FiM's principles with friendship of sharing with no underhanded motives, than a pony which flips the usual roles on it's head.
I didn't actually occur to me that is actually displayed reversed roles. I was just intrested in showing how cynical Silver is, that he actually thinks there is something underhanded with such a simple kind gesture.
>newspaper to establish that Silver has more interest in Ponyville than the meeting
I actually in the begining thought that he had done reseach in a libarary. They usually keep a copies of newpaper numbers and archive them but you gave me an idea. Since Silver has apple in his name, I thought that I could take the liberty of implying that he has some kind of past history with Applejack.
You see my orignal intent with having Rarity be the one who designed the interior was to build some kind of natural connection for Silver to meet Twilight when he visited ponyville. Now there is three options.
1) Be impressed by interior design think about hire rarity ffor job meets TWi
2) Scout out the competetion, the cakes, and meet pinkie->Twi
3)Visit (sister,cousin,frined,sister-in-law,ex) Applejack for whateever reaon that has to do with past->twi
4) Be unorignal an have pinkie throw a party for Silver like she did Twilight so you don't have to be imaginitive. Then again why waste time on something trivial if you have something more exciting futher into the plot.
Why i am so focused on TWi is because she would be the key to change his behavoir since he wants to be with her an therefore must change his behavior. Unlike other characters who he simply don't care for if they don't like him.
Also the idea i had however consious it might have been. About this first "chapter" was basicly aout to things. I hope that this comes thrrough in my text.
1) Silver is cynical and therefore he ddoesn't believe that anyone can want to genuinly be friends.
2)A reason for why he went to Ponyville.
1)I used Coffee beans to show his reason for cynism because there are actually ponies who tries to trick him.
Aquilla is there to show that since he assumes everyone is out to get him. His cynism hurt inocent and keeps him lonely.
2)I changed the shops location to ponyville and made sure that Silver bought the place so that he could go there. I guess this is one of my problems since it comes off as why the fuck wouldd anyone want to own that place wel well
>>4389
>Details flow through natural dialogue
Ah, you don't know how much that warmths my heart.
>>4390
<And working the Parasprites from S1 into this was genius!
Thanks, I often try to use fim's rules to my advantage.

>>4397
I'm unironically enjoying this rewrite. Not only is Silver not a wholly self-absorbed megalomaniac, but his financial and personal motivations are both understandable and quite shrewd without being (((excessive))).
>inb4 Mlpol hijacks Silver and makes him a presentable, believable, and identifiable (to the reader) OC

>>4397
>I didn't actually occur to me that is actually displayed reversed roles.
Consider it a happy accident for something Nigel did making her a Griffon but if it were a Pony it wouldnt have as much of an impact. Nigels Aquilla is boring as hell, because its just the very start of everyone licking his OCs balls being impressed by everything magical Silver does. You know if Aquilla has spent so long with him it would have been a better dynamic if she wasnt impressed by his 12 year old magic tricks. Desensitizing is a thing, and theres only so long before it just becomes the same ol Silver trying to show off to impress other ponies. About the only thing that remains consistent about Silver that Nigel wrote, he is an egomaniac but he wants to be the center of attention.

> Since Silver has apple in his name, I thought that I could take the liberty of implying that he has some kind of past history with Applejack.
If you read ahead or looked at the other thread he does have some loose relation as her cousin but again, iit's just inconsistent trash the way ihe portrayed that suddenly hes all sentimental about her but doesnt show it. It's honestly just bad and a complete contradiction to how much of an asshole he has been to everyone else in the previous chapter without actually going through any development. And then he is still an asshole, not to Rarity directly, but it's implied after being an autist to PinkiePie with the random petting.

Maybe he only cares about the successes of his own family IE the apples, so he kept applejack articles about her heroism around as a comparing competition or motivation, so he set out to be the best of the family in an insecure manor, the riches and whatever he accomplishes are still overshadowed by AJ's simple life and they can provide a counter to his unabashed in-your-face showboating and gaudy branding. Silver could even hold some resentment towards AJ because of this, but he wouldnt show it.

ANY of the options are better than whatever mary sue shit Nigel came up with, which is just empty connections to the mane6 with no interesting dynamics.

>>4399
>Maybe he only cares about the successes of his own family IE the apples, so he kept applejack articles about her heroism around as a comparing competition or motivation, so he set out to be the best of the family in an insecure manor, the riches and whatever he accomplishes are still overshadowed by AJ's simple life
It is good that I have you that way I don't need to think. If I continue, I will incorporate this into the story. I, as stated, just drew the connection between Applejack and the newspaper so that I could explain why he would have a old newspaper in his drawer. I didn't think much more about it but I actually thought about the opposite of what you did. I thought that I could have Applejack being the one that resented Silver due to the fact that he got rich through George Soros-tier bullshit econmics and stock exchange instead of hard wrok in the form of manual labour or at least something that provided something to society.
But your idea works better withh the story since if applejack is the one with the resentment, then Silver doesn't have a concrate reason for keeping those articles around. With your idea, he does.
Maybe I will use both if I continue, which I really feel like doing but you know real life.
I thought about making their past be next door neightbors in manehatten. When AJ lived with the oranges he lived in the apartment next door and they were eachothers first friend and pretty much did everything togather. Or his adopted into the oragne family or whatever. The important thing is that they meet there.
I just realised something I could do. What do you think about this?
Silver and AJ are childhood friends but when AJ leaves for Ponyville, Silver is left alone. Silver therefore builds up his cynism and disbelief of friendship. In ponyville he falls for Twi but in the end he ends up with Glimmer due to the fact that they share so much incommen.

>>4400
> the riches and whatever he accomplishes are still overshadowed by AJ's simple life
I think I would want to have Silver be unaware of the fact that these things do overshaddow his stuff but I don't know.
>they can provide a counter to his unabashed in-your-face showboating and gaudy branding.
This Silver has yet to display the trait of showboating. I am not saying that couldn't have this character trait he has but it is not something I have yet given him. I guess there is one thing though when i think about it.
>gaudy branding
If you refering to the logo on his skyscraper than I agree that it is gaudy. The reason I put it there in the first place was actually not because I wanted to show of his showboating side but because I relaise how similar his character and situation was to Tony Stark's. I am not a marvel fan but I have watched the first Avengers movie in which Tony Stark's Tower is mention. I realised that Star and Stark are so similar that I could refernce it. I have some kind of neptune syndrome and therefore I try to put in refernces everywhere. If you looked through the text, if you haven't already noticed, there are a number of them. If I am going to be more serious however, then I will tone down the use of refernces since they only take away from the story.
Now that I the character has a gaudy brand I could either go two way, at least from what I see. I could have Silver be a cocky fuck or I could have it just a simple name he took because he didn't want to overthink it.
My version of Silver is someone who has gotten rich by making deals not developing a company and then I got to a point were could buy smaller companies and sudddenly he had an empire.
What are your thoughts?
>>4398
>makes him a presentable
I am not being sarcastic when I ask but genuinly curious of what it means for a character to be presentable. Can you elaborate?
>I'm unironically enjoying this rewrite
Muh Feelings
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3wNQHnEXBLs

>>4401
>presentable
Not: embarrassing, an eyesore, an insult to the franchise, nauseating to behold, a waste of everyone's time, an affront to the practice of writing.
Please continue

>Apples-Applejack
>Oranges-Silver Star
Maybe a family fued?
>>4402
Hehehe, thanks.

>>4400
>I thought that I could have Applejack being the one that resented Silver due to the fact that he got rich through George Soros-tier bullshit econmics and stock exchange instead of hard wrok in the form of manual labour or at least something that provided something to society.
You could do both actually. Silver can be someone who started off with good intentions but got lost in the greedy egotistic factor. The kind of person who wanted to expand the apple family 'brand' but and went into the business side to do it, without their approval because it's not the Apple way.

As far as AJ resenting him, it can be more like he knows of her but she doesnt know of him because hes the black-sheep of the apple family and was kept secret from her, ashamed of what he became. AJ would definitely still side against his Soros like methods especially now, but with your idea of involving the Oranges (Learning the business side) would be like a fate that Applejack narrowly avoided. So she could be conflicted about Silver as a whole over time and play a good part in his development unlike in the Nigel-fic where she's just practically irrelevant and it's just there to make Silver look good in comparison.

The gaudy branding Silver does I was talking about is a reference to how he remakes literally everything he touches with that stupid orange and blue star. it's part of chapter one, he breaks into a window then remakes the window but with his stainglass star 'brand'. its just more egotism from him, he has to let everyone know that he was there and changed the window. he does this a lot with anything he owns. He is basically obsessed with orange and blue combination, and has his house having orange or blue windows, and likewise the door. The orange/blue is the same colors of his cutiemark, so as always with silver it's all self-absorbed with no sense of awareness. Unlike Nigel's version where he's their pride and joy gag worthy, if the Apple family turned their backs on him then it gives a good reason for his insecurity and lone wolf egotism.

I think the fact they might have known eachother when AJ ran away from home to the Oranges and learn the higher classlife has some potential, and it would work with Silver's ego/insecurity that he thought AJ would agreewith him, since they both wanted a different path from the typical apple family life. Just going on a re-write of the Nigelfic for Chapter2,I would imagine it would be a real sting if AJ didnt recognize him at the party and then he has a sort of breakdown over this and needs to get out for air and teleports out. Instead of the retarded and autistic unfunny Nigelfic "i needed to fart" reasonin the original version.

Lol, I leave for a couple of days and Swedanon hijacks my hijacking of Nigel's thread.

>>4405
>hijacks
Allah Akbar!;)

>>4395
I like how you flesh out this character. Judging by the shitstorm for this fic, I guess it's a great improvement on your part. Consider a pastebin when you finish planning this story out.

>>4406
Also just so you know I'm interested to read your interpretation of this story and will post my thoughts once I've read it, I just haven't quite gotten to it yet.

>>4404
>He is basically obsessed with orange and blue combination,
>it's all self-absorbed with no sense of awareness.
I wasn't aware of this. It is like Silver has OCD. It is actually hilarious!
>without their approval because it's not the Apple way.
>because hes the black-sheep of the apple family
>if the Apple family turned their backs on him then it gives a good reason for his insecurity and lone wolf egotism.
I like this idea and pretty much this entire post is intressting. I, however, don't have much to add at least not now. Thank you for your input. It was great.
>then he has a sort of breakdown over this and needs to get out for air and teleports out. Instead of the retarded and autistic unfunny Nigelfic "i needed to fart" reasonin the original version.
I don't know. You have to ask yourself which one is more dramatic?
>>4407
Thanks so much. I actually have pastebin account but I have yet to upload anything.

>>4408
Please do. I would love some input.

Nigel samefagging on qa and con sidering to leave MLPOL due to trolling

exposed by mod ban notice

>>4411
Not that I disapprove given the circumstances, Nigel was unironically praising reddit which is everything this site was founded against, but isn't there a policy against using information gained through staff positions to out people?

>>4412
I have seen mods using hashes to out samefagging trolls before with little complaint, but you do raise a good point.

>>4413
To be clear again, I don't disapprove, since samefagging is a form of shilling. It's simply a precedent we should keep in mind for future reference in case someone tries to define 'information' as 'knowledge gained through moderation tools' which would include spotting samefags samefagging in a thread with no post IDs or flags. Atlas might have to add more legalese to the policy page if it starts coming up as an issue in the future.

>>4413
>>4414
To respond with clarity
>No staff member shall use the information he obtains in his position on staff for personal gain, lulz, or to harass/humiliate a user or other staff members

The purpose of the notice was not to harass/humiliate the user, but to indicate that the shilling (same-fagging) had not gone unnoticed and to make a statement about derailing the RWSS thread.

>>4415
Nigel probably wouldn't view it that way, if he hasn't left the site completely in shame, and good riddance if he has.

>>4415
>>4416

obviously this is an underground mass harassment campaign against Jason organized offsite and all staff that formerly trollshielded him are in fact radical glimmerniggers that have displaced the original staff

>>4417
Vril please

>>4387
>>4393

So far my impression of this is that it is indeed a much better handling of the Silver Star character and the story than in Nigel's work. I do have a couple of minor issues: one is that the sentence structure and grammar is a bit awkward at times. I'm guessing from your flag that English is not your first language so that can probably be allowed to slide, but you may want to go back over it at some point and do some editing. Most of it is fairly minor but nonetheless noticeable, like saying "He wasn't even looking at Ground direction" instead of "He wasn't even looking in Grounds' direction"; things like that. Also I notice you introduce the shop owner as Coffee Grounds (which is the character's name in Nigel's work), but by the end of the exchange you're calling him Coffee Beans.

That said, the actual structure of the story is again much better than the original. Probably the best thing about this is that it eliminates the massive blocks of speech and inner monologue and tediously detailed action sequences that bog down Nigel's story. Nigel, if you're paying attention, this is a fine demonstration of how to properly build a scene.

Most notable is that the dialogue between Silver and Coffee Grounds/Beans reads like an actual conversation. Each speaker says something, and then the next speaker speaks. This sounds like an obvious way of putting it but in Nigel's story the conversations are mostly dominated by huge walls of text spoken by Silver "your nutsac belongs in my butt crack" Star. Probably the most excruciating example is the "date" scene, which consists of Twilight asking single-sentence questions and Silver going on for pages and pages explaining how he is able to do cool magic tricks.

In any dialog between two characters, no single character should be speaking for for more than a sentence or two. Occasionally a character will need to make a big speech or explain something which requires a larger section of quoted text, but this should definitely be used sparingly. If you find your characters doing this a lot it's usually a good indicator that you need to go back over your dialogue and cut some stuff out. To Nigel's credit it's actually very easy to fall into the trap that he does. The problem is that the way we think is different from the way we communicate. Thought is usually a continuous stream of ideas flowing in a somewhat incoherent stream through your head. If you sit down and attempt to write out anything you have to say on a given topic, you find that even though you know exactly what to say in your head, putting it into words can be difficult. However, with discipline you can generally compose solid, coherent paragraphs that convey everything you want to convey.

Speech is different. The next time you have a conversation with someone, pay attention to how much you are able to say before it becomes apparent that the other person wants to say something. Most of the time you are only able to get a sentence or two out before the other person will speak, and they will do the same until you speak again. You also only have a short time to translate your ideas into something that can be communicated and often you won't be as articulate on a given topic in conversation as you are on paper. A conversation on a complex topic will generally play out as a long, convoluted back and forth that may have completely deviated from the original topic by the time you get to the end. This is vastly different from a written essay, where the author has the ability to sit and think for a while, then write, then think, then write.

That's what is so unnatural about Nigel's dialogue; his characters don't interact with each other, they give speeches. Or rather, Silver gives speeches and all other characters just stand around and listen. The difference between your version of this scene and Nigel's illustrate this perfectly. In Nigel's, Silver just berates and lectures Coffee for paragraphs and paragraphs at a time, and it just makes the person reading it instantly hate the character. Your version of this character is really as much of a dick as Nigel's. The end result is functionally the same; Silver cuts through the shop owner's sales pitch, assesses that he is in a more vulnerable position than he lets on, and chooses to take advantage of this and acquire the shop at well below asking price (though I also notice you make the monetary figures add up more sensibly, good job there too). However, Silver keeps most of his thoughts to himself. We get to learn who this character is by observing his behavior, rather than listening to his philosophies and ideologies in his own words. The standard mantra is "Show, don't tell" and this does a fine job of demonstrating that principle.

>>4419
>>4387
>>4393

Also of note is that you do a good job of doing what I've been trying to convince Nigel to do for a long time now: filter out unnecessary crap. These first two posts basically take the first major scene in Nigel's first chapter and condense it down to its essential elements.

What fundamentally happens? Silver "my ass is like a roller coaster baby baby you want to ride" Star meets with Coffee Grounds and buys his shop. What is the subtext here? Coffee Grounds is trying to present his business as successful but ultimately he needs to get rid of it. You alter the specific reason he's trying to get rid of it from the original text but in this case it's not important, as it only really affects the reader's perception of the Coffee Grounds character, who is incidental. You also move the location of the coffee shop from Canterlot to Ponyville.

In any event, the central focus is Silver Star, who we are being introduced to. Which leads us to the final significant element: what is this scene trying to communicate? Mainly that Silver is a savvy businesspony, somewhat ruthless, probably more than a little arrogant, who is not above taking advantage of others in a weak position. He is successful and knows his way around a negotiating table. This is a very good introduction to Silver. Bear in mind that we learn all of this about him just from these two posts, and that is all I have read so far. The total word count for this section of text is 1,756. For comparison, Nigel's original text does not arrive at this point in the narrative until 11,938 words in.

Now, to be fair, that is just a raw word count from the beginning of the text until the end of the Coffee Grounds interview. In your text you cut out a couple of major scenes that consume a lot of text in Nigel's work. Again most of what you cut out is just unnecessary bullshit that needed to be trimmed anyway: we are spared the excruciatingly dull scene where Silver straps on his magic rocket boots and goes flying around all over Canterlot, for instance. You also reduce the initial exchange between Silver and Aquilla down to a couple of lines of dialogue before moving on to Coffee and Silver. This is also probably a good choice; Nigel's scene basically consists of a conversation with Aquilla where Silver admits to some feelings of discontentment and boredom. This really shouldn't happen before the character has been properly introduced; with a character like this, who is meant to be an initially unlikable character who you gradually learn there is more to than meets the eye, you want to peel back layers gradually like an onion. You want your introduction to the character to pique curiosity while only showing a single side of him. In this case, making the reader's first impression of Silver to be of his business acumen and ruthlessness was a good choice, particularly since you revealed this through events rather than just having Silver blather.

The scene I personally would not have cut, however, is the opening scene where Coffee Grounds is going up the elevator. That scene was one of a handful of things Nigel actually managed to do well, and I was basically enjoying the story up until the point where he switched over to Silver and his time spells and rocket boots. It's a good scene for a number of reasons: it introduces the story from the perspective of an incidental side character rather than the main character, which allows the reader to get an initial impression of characters and events from a distance. We learn that Coffee is going to meet with someone named Silver Star, and all we know about him is that he is mysterious and important. This piques initial reader curiosity and gives the author something to build on as he gradually presents the character. It's also good because it fleshes out the Coffee Grounds character and gives him a motivation and personality. Any opportunity you can take to humanize a side character, even if the character will only appear once, should be taken, so long as it doesn't make you deviate too much from the main story. It fleshes out your world and makes it feel more like a real place inhabited by real people/horses.

>>4420
Thank you for your thoughts. I will comment on it later when I have time.
Also, not because I really feel that this is needed to be said, you don't have to sugercoat any of your criticism. I want to improve.

>>4421
And I can take it.

>>4421
>>4394
>>4395
Alright, here are my thoughts on the rest of it, Swedanon.

Again, while it may not be something you can reasonably be blamed for due to your living in a Swahili-speaking country, your English is a bit awkward and it interferes with the telling of your story. One thing you may want to pay attention to is comma use. It's not a mistake you make consistently but there are multiple places in this story where a sentence goes on longer than it should without any punctuation like this one that I am right here writing like this see what I am doing it reads funny when there are no commas being used. Also, while your dialog is generally better than Nigel's it is still somewhat awkward. You may want to go back over your characters' speaking parts and experiment a little with rewriting their sentences. Try to use fewer words and make them flow more like natural speech.

Here's an example:
>I will soon be taking my leave for today, sir. I just wanted to know if there was anything you want me to do before I go.
This sentence is grammatically correct and there's nothing wrong with it from a technical perspective, but as dialog it's a bit stiff. Silver's response is not much better:
>Oh, nothing really… Perhaps you could pour me a shot of that whiskey by Emerald whiskers. I feel like celebrating It is a transparent bottle with a big label that reads Liquid Emeralds. It is in that cupboard, the second shelf from the top to the right.

Although the nod to the illustrious King Battlebrit's iconic Emerald Whiskers character is noted and appreciated, the homage might work better if these characters didn't sound like robots reading lines from an Aaron Sorkin script. Again, aim for a natural flow of words, and try not to use more words than are necessary to communicate what you want the character to say. Here's a rewrite of that short exchange between Silver and Aquilla for comparison:

>I'm leaving for today, sir. You need anything else before I go?
>Not really. I suppose you could pour me a drink. Use the new stuff I bought, the Emerald Whiskers brand. Liquid Emeralds, I think it's called. You'll find it in the cupboard, second shelf from the top on the right. I rather feel like celebrating.

See how it feels a bit more natural? Writing natural-sounding dialog is more of an art than a science, and it's a fairly common thing to struggle with. I still find myself rewriting dialog more often than any other part of a story. Just play around with it and see what sounds better. I've found it also helps to listen to other people's conversations and make a note of how they say things. Pay attention both to what words the person used to say what they had to say, as well as the information they were trying to convey. People have different ways of speaking and it's a good idea to think how one character in your story uses language vs. another. The differences don't need to be huge, but each character should have a speaking style that fits their character. For instance, with Applejack you can use a lot of Southernisms and country slang; Pinkie Pie speaks very hyperactively; Rainbow Dash speaks casually and says "awesome" a lot; Twilight sounds like a bookworm; Rarity is overly polite and well mannered; you get the idea.

If you want a really interesting study in dialog writing you should read The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. Mark Twain literally went around to different regions of America with a notebook taking detailed, autistic notes about all the various dialects and speaking styles in America. He replicated nineteenth century Nigger-speak so effectively it eventually caused the book to be banned in American high schools because muh racism.

Something you do well that I think is worth developing is the way you intersperse dialog with descriptions of events, and conveying information through conversation rather than narrative whenever possible. For instance, the way you have Silver and Aquilla do a back-and-forth while she's pouring him a drink. You have a sentence or two of dialog from one character, then something happens, then the other character responds. Tiny little slice of life type scenes like this are the best way to bring characters to life. I think if you could learn to write more naturally flowing dialog you could really tell some engaging and convincing stories using this technique.

I'd like to delve more into the meat of this section of story as well, but I think I will use another post to do it as I only have about 1500 chars remaining and there are a few things I want to address.

>>4422
>And I can take it.
that's right you can