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1510551708934-0.jpeg
I think I might have a problem
Anonymous
OtQ86
?
No.4045
2889 4047 4049 4050 4052 4055 4058 4134 4311 4365 4433 226293 307213
I tried to sneak a redpill into my pony fanfic, by including a scene in one chapter where someone argues with Glimmer over her dumb commie ideas, and the communist ideology is debunked.

I got carried away, so it's at 107,920 words right now, and only 80% finished.
341 replies and 140 files omitted.
Anonymous
yGEkV
?
No.4096
4097 4099 4108 4148
>>4093
I get that you probably wanted me to be pissed off over this, but the first chapter was actually kinda funny. I'll read the rest later.
Great job, man! I'm glad I inspired you to be creative.
Anonymous
DbOY7
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No.4097
4098
>>4096
Seems he always has been while your work still lacks
Anonymous
yGEkV
?
No.4098
4099 4101 4106 4108 4112 4148 4365
>>4097
Alright, I read the whole thing, and it went downhill quickly.

I thought you were going to do something creative with the whole "this character thinks he's the coolest" thing, but then you didn't. You just wrote the self-indulgent fapfic you believe my work is. You wrote what my work appears to be, in your eyes. And then your Glimmy tulpa felt slighted by my work, so you added a scene where Glimmer magically recovers from losing my magic and molests someone bigger and physically stronger than her. It's kind of disappointing, really.

Portals aren't exactly complex, Glimmer lost most of her magic near the end of the chapter in a way that would allow me to write a "Glimmer learns moral lessons as a weakling who cant magic her way through everything and might gain a cutie mark in temporal repair" story if I ever felt like it, I'm not familiar with Bleach(Zanpakutos are from that, right?), and Silver's Spares barely have 1hp each, they would break apart into wisps of magic blue smoke if you patted one on the back too hard.

But the comedic timing of the first chapter was good. Get over your blind love for Glimmer and desire to whiteknight for her, and you could be a great writer some day.
Anonymous
1N58c
?
No.4099
4100
Duh.jpg
>>4098
>>4096

Anonymous
yGEkV
?
No.4100
4102 4365
>>4099
I don't get it
Anonymous
ksShE
?
No.4101
4365
>>4098
Why did autocorrect change "her magic" to "my magic"?
1N58c
?
No.4102
4103
>>4100
It's a satire portraying the immaturity and low level of your work, it took you a considerable amount of time to realize that *maybe* you will not like what he wrote.
Anonymous
ksShE
?
No.4103
4104 4105 4106 4108 4112 4365
>>4102
But that isn't how satire works. To use simple terms, you smeared shit on a canvas and said that's what my art is.
Sure, that's what it is to you. But it isn't for you, and I could only make this for you by making my story into exactly what y'all wrote: more nonsensical "Glimmer is teh best" trash.
You didn't even parody my work right. It started off as one, painting Silver as a motorcycle-riding bad boy everyone lusts over, but...
It seems that you pissed yourself off while writing this. Emphasizing his ego to the point of absurdity was funny, but emphasizing how much he hates Glimmer... There are jokes that can be made about this. But you didn't make any jokes about it. You just emphasized Thrackerzod's skin tone- I mean Silver's dislike of Glimmer and called it a day.
Well, you didn't exactly call it a day. You wrote "Glimmer sucks" so many times, you had to write a "Glimmer molests him and is loved by all" fapfic to calm yourself down. Then you called it a day.
I mean, really. You could have made the obvious joke, you could have had Silver take Glimmer's sue status and end up the way he was before you derailed your own fic, that would have been funnier.
I get that this was written to "totally btfo me", but this is leftist-tier comedy.
Anonymous
ksShE
?
No.4104
4365
>>4103
Trump. Donald Trump. Dolan Thrackerzod.
Hmm...
Soy. Is that also censored here?
Chinanon
PH0HQ
?
No.4105
ClappingOctavia.gif
>>4086
>>4087
>>4088
>>4089
>>4090
This. This is true art.

>>4103
>not getting any sort of lesson
Anonymous
vbPDq
?
No.4106
File (hide): A145E3294557D91F65E1F5C002C4FD6A-1358047.m4v (1.3 MB, Resolution:640x360 Length:00:00:16, Curse ye hame ha Chris Chan.mp4) [play once] [loop]
Curse ye hame ha Chris Chan.mp4
>>4103
>>4098

>"You dont even get humour!", moos the lolcow as it damage controls your mockfic.
King Battle
!Brit.FtQ3o
+ri0C
?
No.4107
4112
>>4094
Save it, it's all yours my friend.
Anonymous
ftyz8
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No.4108
4111
>>4096
>>4098
>>4103
Wow. For just one brief, fleeting second it almost looked like you were going to learn something there.
Anonymous
2bGH1
?
No.4109
>more nonsensical "Glimmer is teh best" trash.
>You just emphasized Thrackerzod's skin tone- I mean Silver's dislike of Glimmer and called it a day.
>leftist-tier comedy

Hahahaha! HAAAAAA HAHAHAHA!

>Get over your blind love for Glimmer and desire to whiteknight for her, and you could be a great writer some day.

The unbelievable, universe-shattering, sides-obliterating salt on display. This was probably the best thing to wake up to in months. No, years. You sir, are the right-wing equivalent of the chick who attended Trump's inauguration to scream "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" So absolutely unaware of any facet of personality, worldview or politics beyond yourself that anyone who isn't an exact clone of your idealized self with the same taste in media, the same caveman's range of words, the same pleb-tier understanding of nationalism, fascism, social justice retardation, race, and muh horseshoe must be a harcore SJW who has a life-sized Glimmer they bought from BigSexyPlush.

I would rather spend my life as a human-interests editor at Al Jazeera than edit a single one of your works. That mockfic had you down pat.
Anonymous
vbPDq
?
No.4110
4117
drama alert.jpg
https://derpibooru.org/1814266
Anonymous
ksShE
?
No.4111
4112 4114 4115 4118 4124 4128 4130 4135 4136 4142 4152 4154 4157 4158 4162 4173 4187 4189 4191 4197 4198 4201 4208 4210 4211 4212 4230 4231 4267 4269 4273 4274 4275 4278 4283 4301 4308 4309 4313 4316 4321 4322 4324 4327 4339 4348 4362 4364 4365 4367 4372 4373 4379
>>4108
What am I supposed to learn here? That a bunch of whiny and hypocritical Glimmer fanboys love to project? I already knew that.
What, exactly, am I supposed to "Learn" from you "Enlightened Commissar Teachers"?
That I'm a fool for not loving Glimmer and Communism as much as you? That I'm a fool for not being what you consider cool? Why do you feel entitled to not only my respect, but my reverence?
You children barely have the comedic understanding that made Epic Movie what it was.
What am I supposed to say, "Haha wow ok sorry guys looks like I made Silver too much like your version of him"? He acts cooler than he is, that's an aspect of his character. Something that flew over your head, it would seem.
You'd say that no matter what his name was, because that's the level of literary understanding you pseuds operate on. If it has Bad Tropes, like The OP OC, it is a Bad Story. It should include Good Tropes that you like, instead.
You say you hate it when writers "Won't take your criticism", but what you really mean is that you hate it when writers won't take your criticism as gospel.
You aren't entitled to representation. You aren't entitled to a pat on the back and a "Good job!" for saying you don't like the taste of OCs because of what your circlejerk says about all OCs, regardless of quality. You aren't entitled to my time. And I don't really care what words and tropes and other badwords you call me on this site or any other site. You aren't my target audience. Do you know who does want you as their target audience? Youtubers who post slideshows of reddit screencaps.
If you want me to turn my story around and rework it for your precious, delicate sensibilities, pay me.
King Battle
!Brit.FtQ3o
+ri0C
?
No.4112
4113 4116
9hv7-1494787811-89694-512.png
>>4094
>>4107
Also if you need a profile image, I would urge you to use this one, of my personal OC Silver Star. Silver Star is a super ultra rad motorcycle bad ass with a heart of gold. But he's also humble. And a scientist. Did I ever tell you about the time he went on a date with Twilight Sparkle and spent the whole date talking about troll physics? Man, it was great. There's really a lot you can learn from this OC, I hope you like him.

>>4098
>>4103
>>4111
I don't know who you are or why you're on this board impersonating me, but I really think you need to get over yourself. All I wanted to do was post a piece of original fiction I wrote that I think has a really great message if you give it a chance. You seem to be interpreting it as some kind of satire of your work. Sorry, but I'm afraid I've never heard of you. My name, though, is King Battlebrit, and I am a prolific author of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic-inspired original fiction, and I think you could learn a lot from my work if you give it a chance. Allow me to provide an in-depth explanation of this work for you, so that you may better understand it and possibly even further advance the quality of your own work, if you're indeed a writer that is.

As I mentioned, you seem to think this work is some kind of low-effort satire of your work. Nothing could be further from the truth. This is a completely original piece of fiction written to make a complex statement on the subject of urban decay, featuring my ultra-rad OC Silver Star, whom you seem to have misinterpreted as some kind of ironic parody of a similar character you came up with. Again, I apologize if you misunderstood, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to claim independent invention here. See pic related if you would like a visual reference, I'm sure it should clear up any misunderstandings about similarities to your work.

In any case, the central focus of this story is the restaurant, and it's eventual destruction by forces outside the control of its management staff. The phrase "less is more" has always been a central tenet of my literary philosophy, and I always like to incorporate elements into my work that you don't always see. This particular restaurant is, as the story mentions, the best restaurant in Ponyville, neigh Equestria. It's owner, an aging Earth Pony by the name of Emerald Whiskers, is a tough-as-nails old pony who has seen it all. He is, might I add, rather famous for his emerald colored whiskers. He spent his whole life building up that restaurant, in an endless, Sisyphean struggle against hostile government regulation, mob interference and the like. Read Atlass Shrugged by Ayn Rand to get a better picture of what I am talking about. In the end, though, it was all in vain as his restaurant was eventually destroyed during the ebin battle between Starlight Glimmer and my personal OC, Silver Star.

To add to the tragedy, Lyra and Bon Bon, a pair of hardworking mares who scrimped and saved for an entire month just to enjoy one single meal at a fancy restaurant, arrive finally on the day they had set, only to find the restaurant in ruins. Can you imagine how crushed they would be? Not even by the flying debris that was launched through the air during Silver's final attack, although that would cause the tragic death of several ponies, who were regrettably unable to attend Glimmer's eventual coronation due to being dead. No, they were metaphorically crushed, emotionally damaged beyond repair, all because one selfish pony wanted to have an ebin anime battle in the middle of Ponyville's expensivest restaurant.

Incidentally, if you would like to learn more about the art and craft of writing, I would direct your attention to the subtle plot building I did near the top of post >>4088, where it says, and I quote: "Twilight cried out in terror as her beloved Silver was thrown back through the restaurant, knocking over all the tables and stuff so that there was a terrible mess on the floor that somepony would probably have to clean up later." At the end of the narrative, you'll note that Silver is then tasked with the moral burden of cleaning up the rubble of the restaurant he destroyed. And the ponies who give him that task are none other than the unintended victims of his actions, Lyra and Bon Bon. It's a literary technique called "foreshadowing," and it sets the tone early on for the eventual resolution of the moral conflict the story introduces. Read The Turn of the Screw by Henry James to get a better picture of what I am talking about.

>I'm not familiar with Bleach(Zanpakutos are from that, right?)
Bleach is an epic drama penned by Tite Kubo, whom many regard as the F. Scott Fizgerald of modern Japan. Much like Masashi Kishimoto's Naruto, it is a fascinating tale, essentially Dragon Ball Z but with different characters, that draws upon overused tropes of the Shonen genre without contributing anything significant to it. I deeply feel that it is something you would enjoy.
Anonymous
ksShE
?
No.4113
4115 4365
>>4112
So, this is happening. Great.
Am I "Btfo"d yet?
Jesus, the left really can't meme.
Anonymous
ftyz8
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No.4114
4120
>>4111
>mooooooooo
Anonymous
JL8oX
?
No.4115
4120
ohnoes.jpg
>>4111
>what lurn
Glad you asked!
>He acts cooler than he is, that's an aspect of his character
Sounds like OP to me
>You aren't entitled to representation. You aren't entitled to a pat on the back and a "Good job!" for saying you don't like the taste of OCs because of what your circlejerk says about all OCs, regardless of quality
Ditto, except replace "saying [...] all OCs" with "writing another fic"
>You aren't my target audience
Then fuck off. You say you 'don't care' (or whatever the literal quote is) and yet it is obvious you do by the extraordinary lengths you will go to try and plead your case to an audience which seems increasingly adversarial.
This whole scenario is particularly amusing to me because I've just spent hours bingeing on Gordon Ramsay, and the comparison between you and many of the chefs/owners/managers who he literally has to berate sense into is astonishing.
>>4113
>BTFO
Yes, actually

>t. guy who took you seriously and gave you (and will continue to give) honest suggestions that might help you improve your writing if you'd stop sperging for just one fucking second


Anonymous
Zz3Mo
?
No.4116
>>4112
I love you man holy shit
Anonymous
ftyz8
?
No.4117
4119
>>4110
>deleted
What was uploaded there?
Anonymous
Zz3Mo
?
No.4118
369302a.jpg
>>4111
>reddit
Wubba lubba dubdub my dude. Whenever they lift your ban, I'd love to share my Rick and Morty edits. I even got a shirt, to show my status as a high-IQ reddit friend! :^]
Anonymous
Zz3Mo
?
No.4119
>>4117
It was a screencap of Battlebrit's fic. I think someone reported it :^)
Anonymous
ksShE
?
No.4120
4121 4123 4128 4130 4135 4136 4142 4152 4154 4158 4162 4173 4187 4189 4191 4197 4198 4201 4208 4210 4211 4212 4230 4231 4267 4269 4273 4274 4275 4278 4283 4301 4308 4309 4313 4316 4321 4322 4324 4327 4339 4348 4362 4364 4365 4367 4372 4373 4379
>>4115
>>He acts cooler than he is, that's an aspect of his character
>Sounds like OP to me
Stopped reading there. You really don't understand what the word means. But that's alright, I won't call you out. I'll just skip over posts from this ID.
But could you tell the others here why you feel it "BTFO"s me when some Glimmer fan decides to mockingly imitate what I either am, or seem to be conflated with for the sake of convenience?
>>4114
If that's all you see when you read my posts, why bother reading them? Why not close your eyes, open up Notepad, and type about how hard you're laughing at the cringiest mooiest thing you can imagine there?

And to the other gommies here...
I'm used to debating politics on the internet. I'm used to seeing crying hypocrites claim that I'm this or that, or that I need to stop acting in this or that way, and there's never any substance to these liberal arguments. It's always "I feel you're a X", "I feel you need to stop being so Xish", "I feel you're so triple-hilarious megalmao-level wrong that I don't need to explain why", that sort of garbage.
I wrote a chapter where Glimmer, instead of going back to her home planet, is sent to what her new home planet should be. I knew this would get some crossdressing panties in a twist, and it did. What would I gain by taking their screeching projections seriously?
Anonymous
Zz3Mo
?
No.4121
>>4120
You keep using those words, I no think they mean what you think they mean. Stating an opinion three paragraphs into a factual rebuttal doesn't make it an argument from feelings. Insulting you after showcasing in-depth the sweet nectar that has been spilling from your kek-teat does not make it ad-hominem.

I have an idea: delete system32 and spend a week reading fascist literature. Maybe by the end of it you'll be a bit better at being a member of the alt-right you seem to like gatekeeping for while telling others they're gatekeepers.
Anonymous
aWENX
?
No.4122
Damon_Gant_Portrait.png
Nigel. Honey. Sugarplum. I don't appreciate you insulting my fellow horsefuckers-in-arms like this, much less my Commonwealth brothers from another mother.
You will cease and desist all of your outrageous attacks on the character of my friends this instant, or I will be forced to curse you with my dark, >leafy >green sorcery.
Anonymous
5I5zH
?
No.4123
4125
>>4120
Oh right, cuz I can't just reset my router n shit
Anonymous
vbPDq
?
No.4124
File (hide): 12AB867062F2D715EE1891E2AF9FC923-610468.m4v (596.2 KB, Resolution:1280x720 Length:00:00:04, DSp worthless humans.mp4) [play once] [loop]
DSp worthless humans.mp4
>>4111

>You children barely have the comedic understanding.
>You aren't entitled to my time.
>You aren't my target audience. (are we "over", too? .0.)
>your precious, delicate sensibilities
>pay me.

Get out of here, Sean Bradley Dickenson. This thread is about King Battlebrit and his glorious Glimmernigeria fanfic. Nobody asked for your plagiarist opinion.


Anonymous
Zz3Mo
?
No.4125
4126
>>4123
He's only worth teasing. No extra energy at this point is worth a penny. Let this thread be a reminder that you should sooner kill traitors and normie plebbitors than an enemy. Out of the three types of NatSocs, he can only qualify as a soldier, and that will take much training that may not even pay off.
Anonymous
ksShE
?
No.4126
4127 4365
>>4125
"Teasing"
Lol gay
Anonymous
Zz3Mo
?
No.4127
>>4126
The true intellectual wit of The Scholar, and the mental fortitude of an Adventurer, clearly exhibited by glimmernigel.

I take it back, you aren't even worth keeping around as a warrior. You would likely Petraeus rather than fight the enemy because without a glimmer, without that thing to fight for the sake of fighting it, you're nothing.
Anonymous
X4+Gg
?
No.4128
4129 4130 4131 4132 4133 4135 4141 4183 4229 4240 4309
glim glam.png
>>4111
>>4120
Listen, you limey autist. I opened your story yesterday and I slogged my way through all ~20,000 words of this dreck (well, to be fair I skipped over like 70% of the argument between Silver and Glimmer because it didn't seem relevant to the story). I'm going to tell you exactly what's wrong with it, whether you want to listen or not.

1. Your OC Sucks
As much as it seems like I'm beating a dead pony at this point, I would like to once again draw your attention to the simple fact that your OC is God almighty fucking terrible. There is not one redeeming feature to this character. Not. One. There is nothing that can be done to salvage this character other than to discard him and start again. Your character is the literal definition of a Mary Sue. If you take Plato's theory of the Forms as gospel, the Form of the concept of a Mary Sue character would be Silver Star, even beating out the original Mary Sue from that Star Trek fic eons ago that the name is derived from. It's honestly like you went to a convention panel called How to Avoid Creating a Mary Sue OC and did everything they said not to do. Let me demonstrate:

>Sometimes it was rough being a rich and handsome superpowered genius who was an all-powerful magician and time-travelling quantum physicist who could bend time and space to his will and was also the world's greatest ninja.
This is a quote from a trollfic some anon probably wrote in an hour while sitting on the toilet. You've accused him of misrepresenting your character, but this sentence literally describes your character verbatim. You literally made your self-insert character rich, handsome, ridiculously overpowered both physically and mentally, a more powerful magician than the canon world's established top magician and protagonist, Twilight Sparkle (who is naturally madly in love with him) an interdimensional traveler who writes books about quantum physics, and literally the world's greatest ninja.

What do you do with a character like this? What is his purpose? Where is his development arc? His struggles, his travails, the things that makes the audience root for him and want to see him succeed? There are none, the only thing the audience (such as it is) wants to see him do is succ.

This character is even bad by the standards of the shit-tier anime you blatantly rip off (Naruto, etc). Most Shonen Jump protagonists are stupidly overpowered badasses with little personality. That is to be expected since these stories are written for nine year old Japanese boys who just tune in to watch battles and explosions. However, even crap anime protagonists have more depth than Silver Star. Those characters are usually at least given some kind of flaw or foible, something to make them human and sympathetic to the audience. He might be socially awkward, bad with women, goofy, silly; the kind of person who can beat any opponent in battle, but in between fights is always making the other characters roll their eyes at him. A good example would be Vash the Stampede from Trigun (a much better anime imo than Naruto or DBZ or any others you rip off actually, but it works well enough as an example here). He is a powerful superhuman with a gun built into his arm, who is literally powerful enough to destroy the world if he wants to. However, that's just in battle. Most of the series he is treated almost like a comic relief character, a goofy awkward sperg who is always fucking things up. By the end of the show you are endeared to him and genuinely sympathize with his struggles. Silver Star? Not at all. From the very beginning he is overpowered and a master at everything he does. His love interest practically worships him. The entire plot arc of the story is nothing but him lecturing another pony. He learns nothing. He doesn't grow. He doesn't struggle. He doesn't have to. He's already the world's richest and handsomest magical super scientist ninja, who all the mares love and all the stallions want to be. His only role in the story is to be awesome.

I'm going to split this into multiple posts because frankly, Nigel, this has been a long time coming and I want to make sure I get everything out that needs to be out.
Anonymous
Zz3Mo
?
No.4129
>>4128
Hooohh shit here we go niggers, I got my popcorn ready after reading that first post. This is gonna be satisfying.
Anonymous
X4+Gg
?
No.4130
4131 4132 4133 4135 4141 4183 4229 4240
Starlight_Glimmer_is_Back!.png
>>4128
>>4111
>>4120

2. Your Insufferable Narcissism

If your garbage fanfic can be said to have any sort of overarching literary theme, it is its egregious, over the top glorification of your own ego. Like most autistic individuals, you exhibit extreme narcissistic behavior, with your own perception of your talents and significance contrasting with reality, as well as a complete inability to see yourself the way others see you. This is ultimately why you respond so negatively to criticism, it's not just that you don't want to see how awful you or your work are, it's that you are literally incapable of it. Well, again, I'm going to explain it to you anyway.

The entire first chapter of your work consists of a "date" between Silver "Massive Faggot" Star and Twilight Sparkle. The focus of the writing should be on the development of their relationship. If you had any talent as a writer you would dial back Twilight's level of interest and dial up Silver "I Chug Stallion Cum" Star's level of spergy behavior, so that he is constantly putting his hoof in his mouth and Twilight is continuously getting offended or weirded out by him. At the same time you would add in a couple of cute flirty moments, and maybe conclude with Twilight learning something about Silver "Anus Gaping From All the Raping" Star that, while she still isn't quite sure about him, maybe makes her feel a little sympathetic to him. You would then conclude the date, leaving the reader feeling as if progress had been made but ultimately looking forward to the next installment of the romantic sub-plot.

However, this is not what you do. As mentioned earlier, Silver "Stick it in my Ponut" Star is already super powered and beloved by all, which Twilight already knows. She doesn't need to learn anything about him to know she is madly in love with him, she already wants his mighty member more than she wants to be the Princess of Friendship. She's only on this date so she can worship him and ask him questions about himself.

That brings us to the crux of the biscuit. While this chapter is ostensibly a date between Twilight and Silver "I can't talk about myself right this second because my esophagus is literally bursting with cock, but as soon as I'm finished I'll go on for twelve pages" Star, that really has nothing to do with what is really going on here. The "date" is really just a flimsy framing device you use to dump in walls of text about the autistic details of how magic and technology in your setting works, and how Silver "Please stick it in deeper you're not even touching my prostate yet" Star is the undisputed master of all of it. Twilight, the love interest of the protagonist, is barely even a presence here. Her only role is to ask questions that serve as preludes to the spergy bullshit you want to crap all over the page, and occasionally interject things like "wow" and "neat" to remind you of how awesome Silver "Balls Against my Chin For the Win" Star is, in case the reader might have forgotten.

In fact, you get so carried away blathering about world mechanics that you don't even want to waste space paying lip service to the flimsy framing device. You start off the date by having Twiggles and Silver "Cum On My Lips and Win a Prize" Star agree to a you-ask-me-one-I-ask-you-one kind of dialog. This is almost immediately abandoned. The entire conversation is Twilight asking Silver "give me two bits and you can slide down the chimney" Star questions about all the amazing things he can do, because apparently she is just so madly fascinated by Silver "never mind the two bits just fuck my throat already" Star that she ends up eagerly asking him question after question, never even stopping to consider that he might want to ask her some questions (what a self-centered cunt, amirite?)

The only questions Silver "I'm starting to run out of gay jokes" Star has for Twiggles are "What is your favorite color?", "Are you single?", and "What was your first day in Ponyville like?" The last question is probably the only one that could indicate this colossal verbal monument to the author's self-centeredness has any interest in learning anything about Twilight, and naturally the story cuts off before she even answers. The chapter ends with Twilight "owing" Silver "I'll never run out of gay jokes because this character will never run out of gay" Star I think, six questions? I honestly stopped counting because honestly, who the fuck even cares? You'll never get back to it.
Anonymous
ohvYX
?
No.4131
giphy.gif
>>4128
>>4130

Anonymous
Zz3Mo
?
No.4132
KEEP GOING DUDE I LOVE THIS.gif
>>4128
>>4130

DID I MENTION THIS THREAD NEEDS TO GO IN /go/ BECAUSE THIS GUY JUST MANAGED TO SURPASS EVEN KING BATTLEBRIT
Anonymous
QX3so
?
No.4133
4299
1515836082739.gif
>>4128
>>4130
>Silver "Massive Faggot" Star
>Silver "I Chug Stallion Cum" Star
>Silver "Anus Gaping From All the Raping" Star
>Silver "Stick it in my Ponut" Star
>Silver "I can't talk about myself right this second because my esophagus is literally bursting with cock, but as soon as I'm finished I'll go on for twelve pages" Star
>Silver "Please stick it in deeper you're not even touching my prostate yet" Star
>Silver "Balls Against my Chin For the Win" Star
>Silver "Cum On My Lips and Win a Prize" Star
>Silver "give me two bits and you can slide down the chimney" Star
>Silver "never mind the two bits just fuck my throat already" Star
>Silver "I'm starting to run out of gay jokes" Star
>Silver "I'll never run out of gay jokes because this character will never run out of gay" Star
This thread HAS to go in /go/, if not for the fic earlier than it absolultely has to just for this list of nicknames for Silver "If It Ain't Gay It Ain't the Way" Star.
RIVqr
?
No.4134
>>4045
>100k words of muh glimmer is a commie
You have to be pretty fucking creatively bankrupt to base your entire story on a meme and then go into neck deep into political sperging which nobody wants to read.
Anonymous
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No.4135
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>>4130
>>4111
>>4120

2a. Clumsy World Building

I'm including these sections as a subscript to my section on your narcissism because it relates to your handling of the Silver-Twilight date.

I'm going to say this bluntly first and foremost: DUMPING HUGE WALLS OF TEXT INTRICATELY EXPLAINING HOW MAGIC AND SCIENCE AND WHATEVER THE FUCK ELSE IN YOUR WORLD WORKS INTO QUOTES AND HAVING IT SPOKEN BY THE MAIN CHARACTER IS NOT HOW YOU FUCKING WORLD BUILD. This cannot be overemphasized. Nobody wants to sit and read all that dreck. Nobody cares enough how magic in your universe works to sit and read all that, and even if someone did, they wouldn't want it explained to them all at once.

The shit you wrote about magic and whatever is not something you publish for the reader. You write it all out for yourself, save it into a text file on your hard drive, and use it as a reference to maintain continuity whenever something in your story happens that uses those mechanics. Even if your intention was to write a plotless, shallow, Shonen Jump-ripoff action story completely devoid of character building and feeling (mission accomplished, btw), the kind of autists who read that sort of garbage and obsess over all the stupid details like what power such-and-such character has, and who would win in a fight between so-and-so, don't want to be spoonfed the details all at once. They want to watch battle after battle after mind-numbing battle, and have the mechanics demonstrated so that they can obsess over the details themselves. I seriously doubt even the most brain-dead Narutard would give even two fucks about your stupid GOD FUCKING AWFUL OC (I'm just going to point to >>4128 again because I really want to emphasize that your OC is horrendous), but if you took the time to do it properly you could probably salvage your world mechanics and build a better story with a better MC. And when I say better I mean better according to the standards of your chosen genre, in which fortunately for you the bar is really not set all that high.

Incidentally, what I mentioned would apply equally in a quality story with actual literary value. When writing a story focusing on romance or politics or attempting to make a moral commentary you will want to downplay battles and world mechanics in general since your audience probably won't care. However if you want to write out world mechanics for continuity it's probably a good idea. However in your case I would not attempt writing anything good before at least managing to successfully write something that isn't god-awful.

2b. Disrespect for Canon Characters

This also relates directly to your handling of the Twilight date. As I mentioned earlier, Silver "Semen Please Daddy" Star spends the entire date blabbering about himself and shows essentially no genuine interest in Twilight at all, other than the dumb scene taking place in his head in which he makes le awkward comment and freaks out internally. This is probably intended to be funny but it falls short, mainly due to its having no effect on the conversation whatsoever; Twilight's level of interest doesn't change and she just keeps asking him tedious questions about how he gallops and how time travel works and whatever the fuck else.

If you made your character a narcissistic asshole on purpose you could use that as a plot building device by having Twilight react appropriately to Silver "I don't care if your dick has Zebra shit on it I want it in my mouth" Star's egotism and storm off, similar to Rarity's reaction to Prince Blueblood's behavior in the Gala episode. This would then present a fine opportunity for Silver "Help Me I Am Literally Drowning In Cum" Star to do some self-reflection, realize he might not be as great as he thinks he is, apologize to Twilight (if you want to make the reader actually give a shit you should probably have her act like a tsundere bitch for a couple of chapters and make him work for it before she forgives him), thus setting the stage for the second date, which if done properly the reader would care about. However, this would unfortunately require a level of self-awareness that you don't seem to possess.

There is not even a hint of irony to how Silver "You know what on second thought don't help me, just give me more cum" Star behaves in this story. You, the author, are genuinely as narcissistic as he is, and seem to honestly believe that the reader is more interested in how Silver "Mrrmphrrrgarblgarblgarbl that's the sound I make when choking on half-breed donkey cock" Star manages to travel between worlds and split the human genome and how he totally kicked the shit out of Goku that one time, than he is in the mare he is supposed to be on a date with.
Anonymous
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No.4136
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>>4135
>>4111
>>4120

2b. Disrespect for Canon Characters - Continued

This is a hard pill for authors like you to swallow, but the simple fact is that fanfiction audiences are going to care more about the established canon characters than they do about your OC. Even if you knew how to create an OC that wasn't absolutely pure, undiluted warm diarrhea streaming out of the butthole of a Zebra-Griffon-Donkey chimera created through whatever the fuck magic process you autistically described that created your dumb half-horse-half-dragon thing that Silver "Mommy Dressed Me Like A Filly When I Was a Colt and This is How I Turned Out" Star had his long, drawn out mock Naruto battle with to impress Twilight who he is only superficially interested in because the author likes to rub his pathetic knobby limp dick to pictures of her directly into the mouth of the reader whether they want to taste said diarrhea or not (protip: they don't), the reader is still going to care more about how you depict the canon characters than how you develop your OC. It's not an excuse to make a shitty OC mind you, if anything it means you should work even harder to make your OC likeable because you have a steeper grade to climb with him. However, you need to remember that people reading your fanfic are going to be coming into this story with feelings and opinions regarding established characters and they are going to expect you to write them properly. You don't even attempt to do this with Twilight.

Even ignoring the fact that you don't write dialog for her that sounds like anything she would actually say (I feel like someone else in this or maybe the other thread pointed this out to you, and in a rare moment of introspection you actually admitted it was a shortcoming of yours, so I won't focus on it, although how to properly write dialog for established characters is definitely a subject you should research), you write Twilight in a way that is frankly insulting to anyone who even remotely gives a shit about this character.

She doesn't say anything. She doesn't do anything. Her only purpose in this story is to be Silver "Ho ho ho I am Santa Claus, get it? It's because there is semen all over my face and it looks like a beard" Star's love interest, and you don't even treat her with enough respect to even make her effective even as that. I really want to drive this point home. You put Twilight on a date with Silver "I'm not even going to give him a nickname this time as his real name is literally synonymous with sucking cock" Star, and instead of using this as an opportunity for the two to have a meaningful conversation, you turn it into a massive masturbation scene for your garbage OC, who, I would once again like to stress, is just awful.

The universe you are writing in is called "Friendship is Magic", not "Autistic Battle Scenes With Lasers and Explosions are Cool". The whole series is about relationships. I get that some authors like to write edgy or dark stories, or try to put in more action or drama, but ultimately this is a show about friendship. Interaction between characters is important in this world. Whatever else you want to add to the universe by writing fanfiction, you need to learn how to write stories about how characters relate to each other. Nobody, and I mean literally nobody, wants to read a story that is just a huge egotistical jerkoff-fest for a terrible character you created. Learn who your fucking audience is before you start writing, you turbosperg.

Pic related is Twilight this time instead of Glimmer. I want you to look at her. I want you to remember that according to your own rules, by writing this god-awful story, you created a parallel universe in which this poor, beautiful, intelligent creature has been reduced to a flimsy, one-dimensional, empty-headed nothing that you stuck in your story for no reason other than to give yourself a boner, and to prop up your shit-tier OC, one Silver "Fuck My Ponut Until it Tears At The Seams, Resembling A Leaky Raspberry Jam Filled Donut that has been stepped on" Star. This poor pony, once the Princess of Friendship, is wandering around the shitty world you made for her, probably struggling to remember who she was and who she is supposed to be, but all she can think about is how badly she wants to jump the bones of the stupid character you foisted upon her as a love interest. You created that world. Now suffer for it.
Anonymous
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No.4137
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>>4136
Oh yeah, one point I wanted to make that I forgot to include:

>His eyes widened. “Out of all the theories I’ve heard, that one’s definitely the smartest.” He said, and she grinned, making that cute little squeaky-toy noise only a pony could make. “But no,” He said, and, surprised, she made that noise in reverse.
I am quite frankly a misogynistic pig who has mentally put ponies into some pretty raunchy situations, and even I think this statement is almost jaw-droppingly demeaning to Twiggles, particularly when taken in context with the rest of this section of the story.

This entire date scene can be summarize thusly:
>Twilight and Silver "I want you to pump my asshole like you've been wandering in the desert and just found one of those old timey water pumps and are desperately trying to get water out of it" Star meet for lunch and "conversation"
>Silver "seriously, I am a colossal faggot have you figured this out yet" Star spends the entire date talking about himself
>asks Twilight her favorite color and whether or not she is single
>beyond this shows no apparent interest in her
>Twilight is compared to a chew toy, reduced to making cute squeaky noises just because Silver "I will suck your dick so hard you will literally turn inside out" Star gave her some superficial praise, not because of anything she said or did, but because she is so far the only pony who seems intelligent enough to understand just how totally awesome Silver "pound my asshole until my hips break" Star actually is
>This is all 100% unironic

I know self reflection is a tall order for you Nigel, but please try to absorb some of this. It really is crucial to your understanding just why everyone keeps shitting so hard on you.
Anonymous
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No.4138
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>>4137
Alright, I am off to take a short break to eat something, and then I will resume. If anypony would like to grab a snack or use the bathroom, now is the time.
Anonymous
Zz3Mo
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No.4139
>>4138
God's work man. I'm on the road but just know I'm loving every last syllable. I only wish I had access to my desktop so I could personally be the one to screencap this thread and spread it like wildfire.
Anonymous
aWENX
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No.4140
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>>4138
Very cogent stuff, friend! Well, for me, at least: can't speak for Nigel. Keep it up!
Anonymous
YeeFt
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No.4141
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>>4128
>>4130
>>4135
>>4136
>>4137

Anonymous
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No.4142
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>>4136
>>4137
>>4111
>>4120

3. Blaming the Audience

This section is less about your work itself and more about your reaction to criticism of your work, but it's all part of the same lesson, and it's just as important for you to absorb if you have any hope at all of improving as a writer (which at this point I'm not even sure is what you actually want).

So far, your reaction to criticism (and frankly, there has been some valuable and insightful criticism made in both threads already, which you sadly seem hell-bent on ignoring because muh ego) has been dismissive and insulting, and shows that you frankly have no idea why you should even want to write fanfiction in the first place. The single recurring theme I am hearing from you over and over again is "this wasn't written for you." This is bullshit.

Even ignoring the simple question of if it wasn't written for us why would you even bother posting it here, statements like "you didn't get what I was going for" or "you're not the intended audience" are the perennial complaint of the talentless hack. Here's the thing, Nigel: you don't pick your audience, your audience picks you. You're asking people to take time away from whatever it is they're doing and devote a portion of it to reading some pile of shit you wrote. If you're going to do that, the absolute least you could do is make it interesting for them. If you can't even be fucked to do that much, the absolute least you could do is not berate them when they tell you to piss off with it.

While it's true that certain stories are usually aimed or marketed at different groups of people, that doesn't really apply here. It can be assumed that since this story is set in the FiM universe and is posted on FiMfiction, you are probably writing a story aimed at fans of the My Little Pony franchise, specifically the FiM series. Thus, if fans of that series and that type of fiction are telling you your story is shit, you should listen.

Here's another thing, Nigel: you say that the story was written for a different audience, but who is that audience exactly? This is a board made up of at least half pony fans, with the other half being /pol/ anons who are at a minimum willing to tolerate pony. Nobody is shitting on your story because it's a pony story. You specifically made the story about politics (a bad choice of theme for this story and you pulled it off poorly, but we'll get into that later), so it's not as if anyone here is criticizing it because of your political stances. If we're not in your target audience, who is?

The crux of the biscuit here is that we are not in your target audience because nobody is in your target audience. This kind of pure, undiluted, 100% homegrown weapons grade toxic-to-human-and-pony-life-alike shit doesn't have an audience. Your target audience is anyone who is willing to wade through the ocean of verbal diarrhea you wrote, suck your dick and tell you how awesome you and your shit-tier OC are. You came here looking to find such people, and surprise surprise didn't find any, so you flip your shit and tell everyone that it's us, not you, who are the ball lickers. Well, fuck you.

Okay, I'm cutting this one short for now because I completely forgot I picked up a shift tonight and have to go to work. I will be back in like four hours. Nigel, I don't know if you're reading this or if you're off somewhere sulking, but I'm going to give you the in-depth criticism of your shit-tier work that you yourself demanded if it takes me all night tonight and all day tomorrow. Remember: you brought this on yourself.

To those in the gallery eating popcorn and enjoying the show, I bid you adieu and implore you to stick around for the remaining acts.

Until we meet again, friends and countrymen.
Anonymous
2bGH1
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No.4143
>>4142
Glorious stuff so far. Can't wait for the political portion of this - the suspense is killing me to hear the portion where you really fucking nail that faggot until he begs you for more.
Anonymous
YeeFt
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No.4144
4145 4146
>>4142
Im learning myself and might give writing another go tbh
Anonymous
aWENX
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No.4145
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>>4142
Oh, I'll be watching this intently, even if I can't do it real-time. Hell, I'm itching to contribute something to the thread myself, should Nigel remain obstinate.
>>4144
You definitely should. Hell, any excuse to reboot the old writefag thread is a good one.