So next, after slogging our way through some awkward and cringey proto-conversation between Rainbow Dash and Silver "ejaculate directly onto the bullseye I drew on my forehead and win a prize" Star, they talk about books for a while, in an exchange of what turns out to actually be slightly better dialog. Silver of course is still a massive autistic dong, but as it turns out, one of the few times where it's appropriate to behave like a massive autistic dong is when you're sperging out about books you enjoy (or don't enjoy, as the case may be :^)
). For one brief shining moment, Nigel, you actually manage to create a dialog between two characters that somewhat resembles a natural conversation those two characters might have...
...and then you ruin it by veering off into another paragraph in which Silver begins bragging incessantly about stuff he owns. Oh well, it's not like anyone didn't see that coming. Anyway, this faggot has been in Ponyville for literally less than 30 minutes and he's already hitting on Rainbow Dash. Naturally, his way of going about it is to brag about himself, in this case by telling her that he not only owns all of the companies that publish the most significant Daring Do fanzines, but also that he contributes to them (anonymously of course, so he won't be shown favoritism, although it's kind of pointless since he already knows his submissions are the most awesome and will automatically win).
Anyway, he bets Rainbow Dash 9000 bits that she can't suck off an entire hockey team faster than he can, or maybe their contest has something to do with Daring Do books, idk I wasn't really paying attention. Anyway:>“What, nine thousand?” Rainbow asked in surprise.Okay, I'll admit that if that joke was intentional, it was pretty funny.
Oh, also the loser of the bet has to treat the winner to a meal. Yes, everyone, you read that correctly: Silver has just attempted the literal oldest trick in the book and Rainbow is about to fall for it.>“Scared, Rainbow Dash?” Silver asked tauntingly.>“You wish!” She declared. “You're on!”>“Really, if one thousand is too much, I can make it ten. What I'm really after is the meal.”
(pretty sure you just said the bet was for 9,000 btw, don't know where you're getting these numbers from)>“Oh, really?” She asked, raising an eyebrow.>“Yeah. What's the best place to get something to eat in this town?” He wondered...
Well, as everypony
knows, Silver, the best place to get something to eat in Ponyville is the Expensivest Restaurant in Ponyville, owned by a tough-as-nails old pony named Emerald Whiskers, famed throughout the land for his emerald whiskers. Be sure to try the expensivest meal, I hear it's the tops. Just try not to wreck up the place, you gigantic mong.
And then...oh, Jesus. Jesus Christ. I...I...I just...Jesus. Reading this is like watching a slow motion train wreck, but every time you think the train is finished being wrecked, it figures out a way to get even more wrecked than it was previously. This thing is no longer even recognizable as something that was ever a train.
in addition to being the publisher of all the Daring Do fanzines
as well as the author of all the cool enchanted interactive puzzles
contained in said fanzines, Semen Star is also secretly the world's most widely respected author of Daring Do fanfiction
, Silver Fox. SF is naturally also Rainbow's favorite author besides A.K. Yearling herself, who I'm surprised Silver has not yet claimed as a long-lost daughter from another dimension or some shit. Jesus H. Christ Nigel, there's going over the top for the sake of lulz or exaggeration, and then there's just being downright retarded. How does this character find the time to do all this shit? Oh, right, his fucking time manipulation ability that he figured out while he was fistfighting Dracula and teaching Einstein the theory of relativity. That apparently allows him to churn out Daring Do fanfictions (which I hope to Christ are at least marginally less shitty than what I'm reading currently) at the speed of light while conducting thousands of stock transactions per second and hollowing out the Equestrian middle class through hostile takeovers of small businesses. At this point you should not be trying to write fanfiction, you should be talking to your doctor about adjusting your Adderall regimen.
And then...Jesus Christ, I'm just going to paste this next paragraph in.>"That's right, I'm THE Silver Fox, creator of Silver Spiked Space, False Sense of Infinity, and Imperfect Suffervoid 9X!" The nerd announced with dark glee as the sky darkened and the camera zoomed in, as though the pony was a costumed supervillain announcing that HE was the one who dumped countless tonnes of pudding mix into the ocean and stole every puppy in the world. "He who made Rain Supreme herself, the best interactive comic tester in the business, spend two hours in one room, eight hours in the next room, and four days stuck in the next, only to find she'd wasted all that time on a dead end! He who made her break down in tears and use an emergency exit password for the first time in her life, and take a two-week vacation from all interactive comics before the next interactive puzzle on her list made her rediscover what she loved about puzzles and temples, an interactive puzzle I also created, under, a false, pseudonym!" He announced, gasping for air near the end. He took a deep breath, and calmed himself. "He who made the still-unbeaten A Special Silver Variety of Velocity! He who slakes his thirst with the tears of the unworthy and feasts upon the shattered hopes and dreams of the poor tortured souls that once knew what it was like to hope!"
Needless to say, Rainbow is impressed and probably horny.
And, believe it or not, that is how the first chapter ends. We still have 4 more chapters to go. God save us all.