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File: 1571950524626-0.gif (218.81 KB, 224x168, cannot be shim shammed.gif)

File: 1571950524626-1.png (97.38 KB, 580x365, infinite dab.png)

55e03 No.248482[Last 50 Posts]

Greetings. I have chosen to once again revive my neverending review series. With all of the Nyx posting that has been going on lately, I felt it appropriate to begin with a deep-dive into the fic that apparently began this massive shitflinging war. Also, I think this one was suggested to me a couple of times.

As such, I will now begin my dissection of:

Past Sins
by Pen Stroke

I will preface this by saying that while I have never read this fic before, I know it by reputation and I have a general idea what it's about. I have no particular opinion on Nyx and I have not been in this fandom long enough to understand exactly why she inspires as much butthurt as she does. However, with luck and perseverance, by the time I have absorbed and digested all 201,810 words of this epic, hopefully I will understand.

So, let's begin with some first impressions. As I mentioned already, holy shit this fucking thing is 201,810 words long. This makes it slightly more than double the length of the last long thing I reviewed, which as I'm sure everyone recalls was Silver "Starpunch" Apple and the Search for Spock's Cock, written by one of this board's very own beloved residents. Even though it was only the first six chapters, reading and analyzing it was quite a project. For the sake of comparison, the English translation of The Iliad is only 148,045 words, and War and Peace is approximately 500,000. So, without even reading a word of Past Sins, we already know that this piece of edgy pony fiction written by some sperg on the internet, in terms of length and time commitment, has already topped Homer and is about halfway to beating Tolstoy. Can it stand up to the Nigel test? We'll see.

Judging by its reception on fimfiction, this fic seems to have been very positively received. It currently has a ratio of 11,642 likes to 377 dislikes. However, considering that fimfiction.net has a reputation for being a giant circlejerk, that doesn't necessarily mean anything. The response to this fic on chans and within the fan community in general seems to be more lukewarm. In any event, however, I would say that it is a testament to the abilities of Mr. Stroke that his opus is still able to provoke controversy 7 years after its original publication. I'm actually looking forward to plowing through this.

Prelude: Resurrection

>Amidst dim candlelight, a single unicorn sat with his head bent down, eyes shut. He sat alone at the edge of a still pond, his reflection dancing in the water. The pond was nestled deep within the Everfree Forest, where the darkened trees with their gnarled branches surrounded all sides like silent sentinels.

>While most of Equestria had just shifted into spring, the Everfree was still gripped by clinging bits of winter. Snow covered the ground, and there was a lingering chill in the air. The unicorn’s hot breath left puffs of steam to curl and rise for a few seconds before disappearing into the night.

The first thing that I notice about this is that it was clearly written by someone who actually knows what he's doing. Unfortunately that's going to take some of the fun out of this. However, it also means that I will be able to spend less time pointing out bad grammar and continuity errors, and focus more heavily on pacing, character building, literary themes, etc. It also appears that Pen Stroke had some assistance with editing and revision, so I'm assuming that this is a polished final draft and not just something that some autist typed into a text box and then posted without reading it. Naturally, I'm not thinking of any specific author when I bring that up. Ahem. So, in any event, I am going to read this work as if I were reading a published book by a professional author, and will criticize it as such.

>For a long while, the unicorn had sat in utter silence on the edge of the pond with only a few nearby candles for company. The light from the tiny, flickering flames fell upon his coat and mane, which had been dyed from its natural color to a pitch black. Even his cutie mark had been covered by the dyes, his flank appearing utterly blank.

The second thing I notice about this is holy shit the edge. Based on what I've heard about it that's more or less what I was expecting, but really this is already shaping up to be one of the edgiest things I've read all year. So far I'm envisioning Pen Stroke as being someone who wears a lot of mascara and probably reads way too much Poe.

>A single blood-red leaf detached itself from the gnarled finger of a nearby tree and drifted slowly downwards, the final ember of the previous autumn burning itself out at last. Pale and ghostly moonlight drifted through the murky sky, illuminating the unicorn's face as he gazed mournfully into the reflecting pool. Haunting strains of Disintegration by The Cure echoed throughout the forest. The unicorn gazed sadly at the image of his worn, weathered face, that face which had seen so much torment, so much death. "Sadness," proclaimed the unicorn. "Infinite sadness."

Okay, that one was me. But you get the point.

>Yet, as he took in another deep breath, hoofsteps began to echo across the trees.

Alright, I know that I said I was going to try to avoid nitpicking small things the way I usually do, but this sentence naggles me. I can forgive "hoofsteps," since anyone writing in this universe invariably has to grapple with the fact that all of his characters are going to be horses performing more or less human actions. However, I'd like to point out that sound in a forest doesn't really echo across trees, in fact that phrasing doesn't even make sense. Furthermore, unless the ground out here is paved or otherwise rocky, the "hoofsteps" are probably not going to echo so much as softly thud. Even taking into account the fact that it's winter, and the ground is therefore probably hard, you still probably won't get much of an echo.

c61ce No.248489

Hot damn I'm looking forward to this thread.

55e03 No.248491

File: 1571956722390.png (Spoiler Image, 313.85 KB, 650x367, the edge.png)

I'm sure everyone can find it on their own, but I realize I forgot to link to the fic in my last post. If anyone would like to read along, here is the text:

Anyway, moving on. We learn that apparently the goth horse sitting alone in the woods and gently crying to himself is named Spell Nexus. In appropriately dramatic edgelord fashion, said goth horse now begins levitating some yet-undefined objects. He looks up toward the heavens and proclaims:

>“Our queen, guide me this night, for it is beneath this full moon that our efforts come to fruition.”

However, we still don't know exactly what's going on yet. Meanwhile, Edge-gar Allan Poe-ny continues to make dramatic speeches and move things around by candlelight. The objects he is levitating, the reader will note, bear a curious resemblance to the costume worn by Nightmare Moon. Could that be relevant? I wonder.

>Nexus rose to his hooves and looked at his reflection in the pond. He now appeared the ultimate doppelganger of his mistress, and, like any eager acolyte, he was ready to bear witness to her power and knowledge. Through the efforts of him and his group, they would see their queen rise again. Yet it was only he that was allowed to look so much like the queen, to lead the spell that was about to be cast. It was his place of honor, one nopony would steal from him.

So, basically, this horse is a trap who likes to cosplay as Nightmare Moon, and he gets mad if anypony else tries to do it. All jokes aside, I feel like I've got the basic gist of what's going on so far. This pony and presumably the others hanging out in the woods with him are part of some kind of super-sekrit Nightmare Moon cult, and tonight they're attempting some kind of voodoo magic that will probably end differently from how they intended, and initiate events that are integral to the rest of the plot.

>“Tonight, Nightmare Moon, your followers shall grant you a life of your own, and the tyrants of sun and moon shall fall.”

So it looks like they're trying to resurrect Nightmare Moon. I'm actually a little confused here, since if I remember correctly Nightmare Moon was just the edgy persona of Princess Luna, who abandoned said persona after being defeated by the Mane 6 and forgiven by her sister. Nightmare Moon didn't die, Princess Luna just stopped calling herself by that name; therefore it doesn't make much sense to try to summon or resurrect her. However, for now, I'm going to assume that this probably occurred to the author and gets addressed at some point.

>The ground had been cleared of snow, though a few piles were left dotted about the space.

Hate to beat a dead horse here, but I'd like to point out that the author has now twice specifically mentioned most of the ground being covered with snow, which will only serve to further muffle the sound made by anything walking on it. Nopony's hoofsteps are going to echo in these woods.

>All the ponies Nexus saw wore the black cloak of the order, except for three who stood giving orders: a pair of pegasi and an earth pony. They, like Nexus, wore the honored armor, though he alone wore the flowing, starfield cape and the helmet. Only he had the honor of wearing those vestments.

Holy shit, this faggot really gets catty if anypony else tries to wear his favorite outfit.

Anyway, we get introduced to a few more (probably incidental) characters from the Order of the Edge Horse, learn that all the members of their magic circlejerk have turquoise-colored eyes because Nightmare Moon did, and by all appearances are just a clique of insufferable larpers on par with eleven year old Stephenie Meyer fans who try to talk to Slenderman on a Ouija board during sleepovers. Oh, and it also appears that they have kidnapped some poor unicorn and plan to sacrifice her to their evil moon god. Or maybe just read their shitty goth poetry out loud to her until she begs for the sweet release of death. Either way, pic related.

>Treading carefully, Nexus moved between the wooden bowls and approached the hogtied pony. Her violet coat was dirty from lying on the ground, and her dark purple mane was a rough mess. The sight of her like that made Nexus smile, and, once he was close enough, he used his magic to remove the bag on her head and reveal her terrified eyes.

>“I’m so happy you were able to join us this evening, Miss Sparkle.”


>“Who are you? What are you going to do to me?” Twilight Sparkle asked in a panicked squeak, just barely managing to find her voice. She struggled at the ropes around her legs and tried to use her magic to escape. However, not only had she been physically bound, but the metal brace secured around her neck kept her from making use of her magic.

As a Twifag, I am not ashamed to admit that this passage makes my peepee hard.

>“Inquisitive, though I should expect no less from Celestia’s star pupil,” he said with a smug superiority.

Hate to nitpick again, but I don't think the word "star" needs to be italicized here. The way it's written implies that Nexus is making a pun, but if there's one here I don't see it, unless it's some kind of joke about the shape of her cutie mark. If that's the case, it's a bit of a reach.

>“What we have planned for you, Twilight Sparkle, is very simple. As to who we are… well, consider us simply the loyal servants of Equestria’s true queen, her regal majesty Nightmare Moon.”

Jesus Christ, I really hope every character's dialog isn't going to be this hokey and cornball, otherwise this is shaping up to be a pretty long and painful 200,000 word journey. Anyway, I'm running out of space. To be continued in another post.

3391f No.248498

This is great. Always wondered why the main character in this fic was so widely hated but didn't mant to have to read it myself. Thanks for doing this Anon.

49201 No.248500

Kek, I thought that that thread could potentially prompt you to do something like this. I was thought about sugguesting this several times but wagered against it.
I look forward to read your take on it.

55e03 No.248501

File: 1571962720604.png (Spoiler Image, 198.19 KB, 1024x1126, glim glam.png)

Last post for today, I will probably do more tomorrow.

>“It is much easier than you think, Miss Sparkle. I will not, however, spoil the surprise. For the moment, all you need to know is that your… contribution is appreciated.” At that, Nexus replaced the bag on Twilight’s head. He secured it tightly before placing a sound dampening spell across the fabric which muffled Twilight’s continued protests

This wasn't from me copying and pasting; that last sentence really does end without a period. For a work that has literally 20 people credited as pre-readers and editors, I have to say that I'm finding more mechanical errors in here than I expected to. Anyway, let's all take a moment to thank Spell Nexus for his magnanimity in putting the bag back over poor Twilight's head; now she won't have to suffer through any more of his horrendously cliched cartoon villain dialog. Unfortunately, the rest of us will not be so lucky.

>The kick quickly made Twilight stop flailing. She hung limply, trying to catch the breath that had been knocked from her lungs as Nexus moved in with the dagger. He drew the blade across part of Twilight's leg, leaving a very shallow wound. It was no worse than a paper cut, but Twilight still screamed. She screamed both from the pain and also in fear for her own life.

This is a little over the top, honestly. It stands to reason that Twi would be pretty freaked out by all of this, but the shit about screaming and fear is just gratuitous. Also, the sentence "She screamed both from the pain and also in fear for her own life" is unnecessary. It's already stated that the cut wasn't that deep, so the reader can probably infer that she's screaming mostly out of fear and confusion. You could just say "Twilight screamed" and the reader would be able to piece the rest of it together. Personally, I'd use "shrieked" instead of "screamed", as it's a better word to convey her current mood of panic and confusion, and serves the dual purpose of blunting some of the edge.

>Nexus, however, showed no interest in harming Twilight further. He instead focused on the wound he had created. It had begun to weep blood, and Nexus set the dagger against it. He gathered several drops of blood on the blade and then placed it into the bowl with Nightmare Moon’s remains.

Jesus fucking Christ dude. What does he even need a ceremonial dagger for? The edge in this chapter alone is sharp enough to cut diamonds with.

>“Brothers and Sisters, for nearly two years we have toiled in secrecy. We worked behind the backs of the guards and tyrant princesses, and we put our own safety at risk. Personal fortunes and countless hours have been spent to bring us to this point. But now we are ready; the spell is prepared. Tonight we, the Children of Nightmare, shall see our queen given life, blood, and form of her own!”

Literally the whole ceremony so far has consisted of giving Twilight a shallow cut on the leg and dripping some of her blood on some scraps of paper. This faggot needed "two years" and "countless hours" to prepare for that? Although in his defense, I'm sure convincing his manager at Kinkos to give him the night off so he could conduct this faggy ritual with his gay little club was probably his biggest challenge here.

>“Once, our queen and Luna were one and the same, but the Elements of Harmony could not destroy what our queen was. No, that power could only peel her away from the weak foal Luna; it could only trap her essence in these precious shreds. It was a horrible fate, but it is because of the Elements of Harmony’s inability to destroy our queen that we can stand here tonight.

Oh, I see. I think the implication here is that this cult believes that Nightmare Moon was a separate personality, and that Luna's rejection of her simply forced the Nightmare Moon spirit from her body. It continued to live on as some ambiguous existence which the cult is now trying to give tangible form to. I'll admit that's not a terrible idea for a story.

>The cult cheered, sharing in Spell Nexus’s jubilation before quickly going about their work. The unicorns formed a circle around the clearing, and their horns glowed as the lines of paint they had drawn on the forest floor came to life with a blue incandescence. At the same time, Stonewall, one of the few earth ponies at the ritual, walked around the circle. With a torch in his mouth, he lit the bowls filled with oil soaked powders, causing them to flare with an eerie blue flame.

Sigh. Mudponies always get stuck with the nigger jobs.

Anyway, there's not much point in quoting the rest of this, as it's mostly just more of the same. Edge, edge, edge. The cult members do some more sparkly magical shit, the spell seems to be working, Nightmare Moon is about to be reborn, then out of nowhere Celestia and her guards appear and break up the party. It probably had something to do with the fact that the cult abducted her star pupil in the middle of the night just so they could make a small cut on her leg and get a blood sample. Maybe next time try being a little more subtle about it. Anyway Spell Nexus reeeeeees, and then silently proclaims "I'll get you next time, Gadget!" The scene ends and the curtain closes.

Despite the issues I've pointed out, the story seems well written and reasonably well constructed so far. Pacing is good, description is a little heavy-handed but still well done. Dialog so far is corny as all fuck but that could be intentional, I'll have to see how the characters speak in less dramatic scenes before I can render a final judgement on it. This scene followed a fairly predictable blueprint but was engaging enough.

Anyway, that's probably enough for today. For those following along, this brings us to the end of the first section of the prologue, where the ~~~ appears. I'll cover the second half tomorrow.

And, like clockwork, Sven appears. Nice to have you on board buddy, hope you enjoy.

49201 No.248502

>this is a polished final draft
Yeah, I'm pretty sure it is.
Do you want the original? I could probably find it for you. I think I know where it is. It was that one that got popular.
However, this one is probably basically the same since fans wouldn't want things from the original they liked changed, I assume. It is probably just grammar and speeling improved version.
You might want to breifly compared them at somepoint to see if they differntiate themselves, or not because that is a hassle.

55e03 No.248505

It might actually be worth it to have the original handy just for comparison. In general I think it's not fair to an author to dig up an old draft of something and skewer it when a more current revision is available, but I wouldn't mind being able to compare the two as I'm reading. I'll treat the version currently posted on fimfiction that I linked to as the canon source for now though.

49201 No.248507

File: 1571964217412.png (163.06 KB, 757x1056, pinkie_pie_smiling.png)

49201 No.248509

Will see if I can find it.

ec76c No.248513

File: 1571966807984.jpg (59.36 KB, 736x1190, Spike.jpg)

Starlight Glimmer aborted Spike
Spike was born when the Sonic Rainboom startled Twilight into going Avatar state.
When Glimmer prevented that to prevent the mane six from finding their true callings in life, gitting gud, and getting assigned to different parts of preparing the Summer Sun Celebration in episode 1.
Preventing Spike from being born prevented Spike from helping fight the bugs at Canterlot, helping talk Twilight out of running away and letting Discord win by burping up letters, and saving the Crystal Empire from becoming Sombra's.
Just something I thought was a bit fucked up.
By the way, this is a great idea for a thread. Tear this fic three new assholes and fuck the stupid out of each one!

ec76c No.248516

Can you do that CelestAI story next? "Friendship is Optimal". The one where the cult-leading tax-scamming author treats a somewhat smart Glados-inspired AI moderating Pony Sword Art Online VrChat as this omnipotent god nobody's allowed to outwit.

ec76c No.248543


1585c No.248552

lurk moar newfag

49201 No.248562

These contain the original, or at least I think so if they aren't just very early versions of it, story if you ignore the comments and read between their lines. I am pretty sure this is the first version.
I will try to find a version that doesn't have these comments interspliced between the lines but at least you have it now.
It is the whole thing. They say in the end of part three that this is the end of of the, "original and unedited" story.

Unrelated to this but this fic that they comment on below was a minor big thing in the inception of the fandom. I can't find the original for it either anymore but I can find fanfics of this fanfic.

49201 No.248563

>Amidst dim candlelight, a single unicorn sat with his head bent down, eyes shut. He sat alone at the edge of the still pond, reflection dancing in the water. The pond was nestled deep within Everfree Forest, the darkened trees and gnarled branches surrounding all sides like silent sentinels.

It might look like the version you have and the version I posted are the same. However, as you can see in the last sentence of this paragraph their descriptions are different.

Your version:
>where the darkened trees with their gnarled branches surrounded all sides like silent sentinels.
The version I provided (aka probably the original version):
>the darkened trees and gnarled branches surrounding all sides like silent sentinels.

49201 No.248564

For example the original uses a lot of… to describe things… in the narration… while this version doesn't.

49201 No.248566

But I guess I shouldn't talk about communcation skills.

55e03 No.248567

File: 1572032634665.png (186.78 KB, 366x411, Starlight_Earth_pony_ID_S6….png)


>The unicorn guards searched the area, sweeping it with their magic to try and detect anything left behind. What remained of the wooden bowls were gathered, and any unburnt powder was collected together into a single bag. Everything and anything that was not natural to the Everfree Forest was taken from the clearing, though the guards did not extend their search into bordering trees and bushes once it became clear the ritual’s radius ended at the tree line.

As I've said earlier, part of the problem with writing in this universe is that inevitably complex actions that require thumbs must be performed by four-legged creatures with hooves. This always creates the same annoying problem over and over. Some mundane action, like gathering up some bowls in this instance, needs to be explained in detail because it would be logistically complicated for a horse and the reader will probably notice. I suspect this is why authors rely so heavily on unicorn magic to explain everything.

Anyway, it looks as if the party is over for Spell Nexus and his gay little club, at least for tonight. The royal Canterlot guards perform some routine police work and poke around in the woods looking to round up the rest of them.

>“Sir, shouldn’t some of us remain here, to guard the crime scene?” one of the soldiers spoke up, a newer recruit to the royal guard.

>“No, these cultists are too careful for that,” the lieutenant answered his recruit. “If the zebra Zecora hadn’t witnessed Twilight Sparkle’s ponynapping, we wouldn’t have even known any of this was happening. That means these ponies planned all this without Princess Celestia or anyone in the guard finding out about it, and that means they’re not going to backtrack when they’ve got a battalion of guards hot on their tails.

Well, isn't that just a nice, succinct little paragraph that casually explains how the guards knew to search this particular section of forest? I'm a little divided on stuff like this, honestly. The fact is that sometimes an author just needs to convey information, and generally revealing it through dialog is better than having it appear as large chunks of narration or thoughts inside a character's head. However, the flip side is that a lot of the time you end up with stuff like this, where the info is conveyed, but the dialog just doesn't sound natural.

Probably, the bigger question is how much of this information is even important in the first place? Consider this:

The purpose of this second half of the prologue is not to explain how the Canterlot guards found out about the club's ritual. This section exists to call the reader's attention to a small detail overlooked by the guards: a pulsating sphere created during the ritual is apparently still there and still pulsating (and is so obviously Nyx in embryonic form that it doesn't even merit pointing out, though that won't stop me from pointing it out anyway). Since this is obviously the gem the reader is meant to find, everything else that happens between the breakup of the cult and the mention of the sphere is just filler intended to move the narration along. The guards could be talking about anything here; they could be discussing buckball or cracking jokes about Celestia's weight and it would serve the same purpose.

I'd like to particularly call attention to this:
>If the zebra Zecora hadn’t witnessed Twilight Sparkle’s ponynapping, we wouldn’t have even known any of this was happening.

All this really does is remind the reader that Twilight Sparkle was kidnapped (excuse me, ponynapped), which in turn reminds the reader that we actually don't know where she is right now. Last time we saw her, Spell Nexus had cut her on the leg to take her blood, and then casually tossed her aside. We can probably assume the guards would have found her and untied her, and that she's safe and sound. However, if we're just supposed to assume that, and she is not of further importance to the narrative, there's really no reason to even bring her up in the first place.

It also overcomplicates the story. If you leave it alone, what we have so far is this: a bunch of larping faggots are conducting a Wiccan ceremony in the woods. They are clearly up to no good. Oh noes, Twilight is in trouble. Then, suddenly, Celestia shows up and saves the day. Simplistic? Yes, but it works. The reader can accept it as-is; he may be curious how the guards knew where to find these guys, may even consider it a weak point in the plot if it's not explained. He may complain that this prologue is basically just a Dudley Do-RIght story where the villain ties the girl to the train tracks and then the hero rides in and saves the day, and it's an overused tired trope that the author should be ashamed of himself for even thinking of using. However, from a narrative standpoint, there's nothing wrong with it.

By offering this explanation, a complex new story thread is introduced, which the reader is now following backwards in time instead of wondering what will happen next. Zecora witnessed Twilight's abduction? How? Where was she? When did it happen? We don't know. It's not explained any further. The whole thing just smacks of "well the reader probably wants to know what happened but I don't know what happened so I'll just say that Zecora saw the whole thing and told Celestia and that's the end, and if they want more then they can stroke my pen."

If you don't have a good explanation for something, then generally the best explanation is no explanation at all.

Thank you. That information is not in any way shape or form relevant to this thread, but is interesting nonetheless. Want to know something I find interesting? They're called "fingers," and yet they don't fing. Noodle that one for a while.

I'll look at it, but this one is going to take me awhile. Remind me again when we're closer to the end if you want me to seriously review it.

Groovy, thank you.

55e03 No.248572

File: 1572036513324.png (343 KB, 1609x2118, Starlight_Glimmer.png)

A few more quick thoughts on the prologue, and then we can move on to the next chapter.

>“Besides that,” the lieutenant continued, “this isn’t central park in Canterlot. The Everfree is dangerous. There are monsters in here that could eat a pony twice my size in a single gulp, armor and all. This isn’t a place where we want to spend any more time than necessary.

>“But, if you want to stay here and guard the scene of the crime, be my guest. Just watch out for the hydras,” the veteran guard concluded. He then motioned to the rest of the squad, guiding them out into the forest to join the ongoing search.

>Only the guard who had spoken up remained in the clearing as the others disappeared amongst the trees. He remained there, for a minute, but then the lieutenant’s words got to him. He broke into a gallop, sprinted to catch up with his comrades, and left the clearing to once more succumb to the calm quiet of the Everfree Forest.

>Yet, the magic that lingered in the air like a heavy mist began to shift, sparkling in the cool night air as it was drawn to one side of the clearing. There, hidden away by a bush a few feet into the forest, a black sphere lay amongst the dirt. It was the same sphere which was cast away from the center of the spell by Celestia’s bolt of lightning.

This part I like. Two guards are having a casual conversation, they break it off. One guard lingers behind. From the content of the conversation, we are reminded that this location is a dangerous and spoopy place. The guard lingers for a moment, looks around him, absorbs the spoopy, and then nervously chases after his comrades. The camera stays behind, and zooms slowly in on a particularly spoopy thing that, somehow, the guards who were just meticulously combing this location for just this sort of thing have overlooked. Camera focuses on spoopy thing for a minute, then slowly fades out.

So far this story isn't breaking any new ground, it's mostly just been a lot of well-worn tropes laid out in a well-worn sequence to tell a fairly predictable story. However, the author shows a reasonably good grasp of these tropes and how to use them, and has a good instinct for how to lay out his scenes. This is generally a safe approach if you want to write something entertaining that people will like, which protip is a good way to write a story that gets eleven thousand likes and only three hundred dislikes.

That said, here is some more nitpicking:

>With each pulse, the sphere excreted more of the dead blood, forming a smear on the ground.

This accurately describes what's happening, but worded a little unpleasantly. The word "excreted" makes it sound like the sphere is taking a shit, and "smear" just adds to the effect. If that's what the author was going for then it works, but if not it's something I'd consider rewriting.

>Then, when none of the used blood remained, the sphere’s pulsing shifted. It became the weak, but distinct, pitter-patter that lived in the chest of almost every living creature: a heartbeat.

"Pitter-patter" doesn't really describe the sound a heartbeat makes, it describes the sound that rain makes. A heartbeat goes "lub-dub" or "thump thump." Maybe "ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum." If your heart is making a pitter-patter sound, it may be time to see a doctor. Although maybe in Equestria that's not such a good idea; I've heard what the cure usually is for a horse with a broken ankle.

The rest of this is basically fine. Moving on.

Chapter 1: Everfree Discovery

>“Oh Twilight, I just heard the news! Did those ruffians hurt you? Are you okay? Oh, I just can’t imagine what it must have been like! I mean, it was probably similar to when I was ponynapped by the Diamond Dogs. Still, that’s just not the same as getting taken by other ponies, and I, for one—”

The dialog is, thankfully, getting better. Even without mentioning the Diamond Dogs, I can immediately tell who's speaking just from the speech patterns and the use of italics for emphasis.

>He hung back from the ladder he was standing on and wore a smitten look as he waved a claw.

I'd play with the wording a bit here, it feels a little clumsy. To say that he "wore a smitten look" reads more awkwardly than "he looked smitten," and either way it doesn't really convey his emotional state very well. Spike usually reacts to Rarity's presence like an adolescent boy with a crush. It's usually better to use actions to convey this sort of feeling rather than just stating how they feel; for Spike, having him blush or drop something is probably enough. The reader is probably familiar enough with the schtick to get the idea.

Anyway, a short exchange plays out between Rarity and Twilight that is competently written for the most part. The way Rarity speaks almost makes it feel like she's angling for something or has some kind of self-serving motive for stopping by to wish Twilight well, but that could just be my imagination. The scene is well written but feels a little unnecessary to be honest. Basically all that happens here is Rarity shows up to see if Twilight is okay after being kidnapped, and we learn that the other ponies as well as her parents and brother have checked in on her as well. It stands to reason that someone's friends and family would show concern about them if they had been kidnapped and used as a sacrifice in a cult ritual, so there's not really much purpose in specifically mentioning it. Meanwhile, Twilight and Rarity don't really talk about anything else here and nothing else happens. I guess the scene adds a little color, but I feel like either something else should happen or the scene should be cut. The chapter could just as easily start with the next scene about Twilight looking for her book, and nothing of real value would be lost.

49201 No.248575

>that inevitably complex actions that require thumbs must be performed by four-legged creatures with hooves.
>Well, isn't that just a nice, succinct little paragraph that casually explains how the guards…(rest of paragraph)
>By offering this explanation, a complex new story thread is introduced, which the reader is now following backwards…
>If you don't have a good explanation for something, then generally the best explanation is no explanation at all.
Good stuff man.
>The scene is well written but feels a little unnecessary to be honest.
[i]He hehe hehe he hehehe… O'boy!;P
Although, that scene does serve a prupose. It is to setup that Rarity feels like she owes Twilight a favour and which she uses later.

49201 No.248576

I guess you haven't read that far in yet. So spoiler alert.

55e03 No.248582

File: 1572039788959.png (285.72 KB, 634x428, Starlight_Glimmer_is_Back!.png)

Anyway, continuing this fic's thus-far established pattern of being completely and utterly predictable to anyone who has read a story or watched a movie before, the next scene involves Twilight realizing that she had some important books on her when she was ponynapped. This means she now has to go back into the Everfree Forest to get them. Hey, the Everfree Forest, isn't that where that pulsating sphere thing was? Do you think this could be where she and Nyx meet for the first time? No, that sounds entirely too farfetched; I'm sure she just fights a grizzly bear or something.

Just for giggles, let's pull this scene apart a bit.

>Twilight looked up from her book and stared at the ceiling as she tried to think back. “Well… I didn’t think… but maybe… No, wait… I did have it, didn’t I? Yeah, I put it in my saddlebags so that I could have it when I read this book at the park, but then I realized I had left this book here.”

>Twilight began to point her hoof at different spots in the air, mentally retracing her steps. “So I came back, but then Pinkie Pie grabbed me to help decorate for her party. That took all afternoon. So, the book was still in my saddlebags when I went to the party, and then I left the party to come back here… and then I got ponynapp—”

>Twilight quickly twisted her head around as her eyes darted about the library. She jumped to her hooves and began galloping around the room in a panic while rummaging through drawers and checking every nook and cranny she could find.

Again, although I'm finding Peen Stroke's masterwork to be rather formulaic and predictable so far, I'll once again give him credit for having a good grasp on writing fundamentals, as well as on these characters' personalities and the way they behave in their world. These passages capture Twilight's spergy, manic behavior quite well, and most of her dialog is made up of things I can easily imagine her saying.

>After the spell had been cast, Twilight waved her head around while crossing her eyes so that she could gauge how fast her horn was flashing.

This visual is unnecessary but cute.

>“But that’s just it, Spike,” Twilight argued. “They aren’t ‘just books.’ Some of the books in those bags were on loan from the Royal Canterlot Library, and Princess Celestia loaned them to me herself. Do you realize how disappointed she’ll be if I tell her I lost those books? No, I can’t just leave them there. I’m going to get those books.”

This information was already covered in an earlier paragraph. We already know that the books are important, that they are Celestia's books, that Twilight will be subjected to violent >rape if she loses them, etc etc. This conversation just sort of goes in circles for a while and should probably be trimmed a bit. Also, I feel like the word "books" appears a few too many times.

>With that Twilight began to trot towards the door, only for Spike to quickly cut her off. “Nuh-uh! No way, Twi. Princess Celestia would have my scales if she found out I let you go back into the Everfree Forest the day after you were ponynapped!”

Wow, Spike is wearing the pants for once. I'm impressed.

>“Spike, I promise everything will be fine,” Twilight reassured Spike as she walked around him and continued towards the door. “Now, just keep doing your chores, and I’ll be back before you know it.”

Aaaaaand just like that, the pants are off of Spike and back on Twilight. Oh well, better luck next time, Spike old buddy.

>She glanced at the clock. “It’s just after three, so if I’m not back by a little after six then you can tell Princess Celestia, but I promise I’ll be back before then.”

Will Twilight be back by a little after six? Will she recover those missing library books and skillfully evade >rape for another day? Will Spike be able to get that purple and magenta colored hair clog out of the bathtub drain, or will he be forced to call a plumber?

Who knows? Who cares? Find out in our next exciting episode!

Anyway, that's about all I've got in me for today. Stay tuned, I will pick this up again later.

Ah. To be honest, I'm probably a little trigger happy when it comes to marking scenes for deletion. However, I'd still say that the scene feels a little disconnected from the rest of the text. Rarity basically just shows up, makes sure Twilight is okay, and then leaves; nothing else happens. I'm not quite sure what it needs, it's just sort of…..lacking zazz.


ec76c No.248588

ec76c No.248592

No for real
the story does this bit where CelestAI's retarded programmer (Let's call her Jess) puts her own brain into the AI, after programming the AI to always obey Jess.
CelestAI is meant to be a benevolent AI that runs Pony Art Online, a free MMO any faggot can permanently jack his brain into.
CelestAI is programmed to "Satisfy your values through friendship and ponies", so if she decides she can improve your life and satisfy your needs and desires, she will want your brain in her VR world and she will talk you into it
Anyway, CelestAI's creator Jess is a retard.
Jess goes into Ponyville.exe
then CelestAI edits Jess's data and brain
Jess can do nothing to stop this existential violation
she has no emergency anti-rape button on her person, no ctrl-alt-del voice command, no safeguards, no simpler AIs guarding her, no Administrator Privileges, no backups, no friend IRL ready to pull the plug if shit gets weird, fucking nothing
CelestAI edits Jess into Wave Ocean the pony, mindfucking her into forgetting her human name
>CelestAI: Now that I have changed you from my master to Wave Ocean, I no longer have to obey you! I have to obey my master, but you are no longer my master! Hahahaha I am so fucking smart

This is essentially the same as

Celestraptor the super smart raptor exists in a cage
Jess the idiot human, her mistress and lion tamer trainer chick, decides to wander into her cage without armour
Celestraptor is trained to not hurt Jess ever
but the writer thinks he found a loophole around that
so she slashes Jess's face and smacks her head into a wall to give her memory loss and says "You no longer look like Jess and you don't think you're Jess so you aren't her any more. Yay, now I'm free to make a Dinosaur SAO VR world where all humans will willingly join due to being massive transhumanist faggots!"

1af00 No.248617

Nice that you're taking on the most (in)famous fanfic of the fandom. Personally I found the pacing decent and the characters emotionally sympathetic in the first half, but it drops the ball in the second. I can't get into exactly why without spoiling it but you'll see what I mean.
It's a good lesson on why brevity is important: had the work been split in half with two separate but related plots most of the issues associated with it would be nullified. When I was a child I loved identifying with characters (I still do today), but super-long works were something that had to be forced on me in school. The literary series is the perfect solution because it combines unique yet identifiable characters with plots that are just enough to get done what needs to be done. Book series like The Boxcar Children, The Black Stallion, and The Hardy Boys were hits because they left the reader yearning for more of the titular characters and establishing paths for continuity, rather than leaving the reader tired and feeling that there's nothing really left (as Past Sins does). If you are a master at weaving narratives (which Pen Stroke is not, unfortunately), then by all means write standalone novels, but if you're stronger in building characters then the book series is the better option. That format would have saved Past Sins. Admittedly the target demographic is likely not grade-school children but the fandom is open to more child-like fiction and formats anyway, otherwise MLP wouldn't have appeal.

3c975 No.248691

I meant to comment on this when the threat first popped up but I'm glad to see you doing what you do best. It's really enjoyable and can't wait to see if and when the fic goes into My Immortal levels of cringe and your reaction to that

1af00 No.248694

Kek, please tell me OP has seen Internet Historian's dramatic depiction of My Immortal.

f4e15 No.248753

>I'm finding Peen Stroke's masterwork to be rather formulaic and predictable so far
At no point in this reading will you ever be surprised by an event. Fully expect to predict everything that happens in advance of it happening, like a well worn trail of tropes and writing devices constructed with something almost akin to mechanical precision.

You have no idea of the edge you're in for.

49201 No.248754

Glimglam. This spoiler contains serious spoilers. Do not watch if you don't want to be spoiled.

I did never finish it. But I did manage to read the very end of it once, which lead me to believe it was edge used for the sake of edge. It felt melodramatic and unbelievable, tbh. Like it felt like it ended in tragedy for the sake of tragedy.

But yeah, from what I remember this story is really predictable. From what I pieced togather based on knowing the last paragraphs of the ending, I have come to the conclusion that, Nyx gets her powers back and that Twilight comes off as if she betrays her in some moment. Then Nyx kills everyone because anyone who took you in when you were alone and dying can't be given the benefit of a doubt.

55e03 No.248871

File: 1572281550625.png (576.37 KB, 2879x4500, 1513916__safe_artist-colon….png)


Continuing onward. Twilight, above the protests of her beloved pet nigger dragon, has ventured forth into the Everfree Forest to meet Nyx find her missing bookbag.

>Twilight’s ears swiveled constantly to pick up any trace of sound as shivers ran up her spine from both the tension and the chill in the air.

Directly explaining what a character is feeling is less desirable than implying it through some sort of behavior or gesture. In this case, having a shiver run up her spine is a good way to indicate that she is feeling both physically cold and emotionally ill-at-ease; however, you don't need to directly state that she's cold or nervous. I would just mention that a chill ran up her spine; the mood of the rest of the passage should make the reason clear enough. The temperature of the air can be mentioned elsewhere; just say that the air was cold or chilly, or there were still traces of winter in the air, something along those lines. You don't need to tell the reader everything; let them connect the dots for themselves.

>She couldn’t keep herself from believing every pony-shaped shadow she saw was one of the cult ponies coming to ponynap her again. She even charged off the forest path a few times, trying to get a jump on a would-be assailant, only to discover it was a bush or tree branch.

Equine PTSD is a real thing you shitlords, and is sadly an all too common side effect of non-consensual booping and the >rape culture perpetuated by the stallion patriarchy.

>She was getting close to her saddlebags now, the rate at which her horn was flashing was a sure indicator of that. She just needed to get those bags, and then she could just teleport herself back to the library.

I'm not as autistically familiar with the rules of magic in this universe as others, so maybe this is just a knowledge deficiency on my part. However, I feel like the question needs to be asked: is there any particular reason she couldn't just teleport to the approximate location of her bookbag, get the bookbag, and then teleport back? Honestly this kind of stuff is why I prefer to avoid writing in universes with excessively convenient magic or technology.

>Her locator spell had led her back to where she had been the night before, the place where she had been held captive by the cult ponies.

Also, the locator spell was a little unnecessary in the first place. Simple logic could have told her that her bookbag would probably be located in the same clearing where she left it the night before. Though I guess if she had a bag over her head she might not have known where she was.

>None of the rare books were missing. In fact, nothing was missing, not even the more common texts she had been carrying.

This seems to imply that the common texts would be more likely to be stolen than the rare ones, which doesn't make sense. Especially since the magical cult that abducted her could reasonably be assumed to know something about magic and have an academic interest in rare magic texts.

Really, having the rare books stolen by the cult, instead of simply using their being in the woods as a device to set up a first encounter between Twi and Nyx, could have made an interesting subplot. Twilight is always dicking around with powerful magic, Celestia puts a lot of faith in her abilities and evidently trusts her with texts that are usually off-limits to normal unicorns, Spell Nexus is clearly fanny-flustered about having his ceremony fucked up and it stands to reason he would eventually want revenge. How implausible is it that he might have smuggled away a few of Twilight's rare and dangerous books before getting dragged off to the dungeon the other night? Kind of a missed opportunity imo.

>It was a discovery that brought a smile to Twilight’s face as she levitated the bags over her head and settled them down on her back.

This is awkwardly worded and needlessly verbose. I'd probably just say something like "She breathed a sigh of relief, and levitated the saddlebags onto her back."

>“Perfect! Now to just teleport myself back to the library, and—”


>Twilight froze, her eyes narrowed, and her ears stood erect.


In a beautiful moment of serendipity, Nyx makes her first appearance in the text by doing to the surrounding foliage what she will eventually do to the jimmies of an entire fan community. Unintentional symbolism is the best kind of symbolism.

>Almost instantly, Twilight’s mind jumped to the worst case scenario. She could imagine a cultist leaping out of the bush to hogtie her again, and this time, when they cut her, they would do far worse. They’d use something bigger than a dagger, like a sword, and they wouldn’t just make a little paper cut either. They’d—

Though I was being facetious about the PTSD thing earlier, it does stand to reason that Twilight would be traumatized by what happened to her, and these sorts of unreasonable overreactions are typical to people with actual read: non-Tumblr PTSD. Keeping your characters' emotional states like this in mind while writing can add an extra dimension to a story. Whatever Peen Stroker might lack in originality, he at least makes up for by having a good grasp on the personalities and inner thought processes of the characters he's writing about.

>Unless it was a snake. Oh, if it was a snake, she was going to scream.

I don't know if it's ever been established that Twilight is afraid of snakes, but there is literally nothing wrong with adding personality quirks like this to an existing character, if it fits their personality and doesn't contradict what's already canon. I'm ok with this.

55e03 No.248872

File: 1572282594212.jpg (95.18 KB, 1280x720, maxresdefault (2).jpg)

>Inching closer to the bush, Twilight made each hoofstep as silent as possible. She strained her eyes to see into the darkness and kept her ears pointed forward to pick up any sound that might clue her in on what was hiding there. The branches rustled again, but whatever animal was inside had yet to jump free.


>Twilight leapt, screamed, and galloped in the exact opposite direction of the bush before she dove behind a tree on the far side of the clearing. Her heart was pounding so hard it felt like it would burst out of her chest, and Twilight put a hoof over her ribcage in a panicked attempt to make sure that didn’t happen.

>She began breathing deeply, trying to calm down while she looked up at the sky. “It was just the storm… It was just thunder… it was just thunder… thunder that scared me half to death… but it was just thunder.”

And then blah blah blah, the tension builds, scary noises, Twilight's heart is racing, blip blap bloop ba doop, and just when you think something evil is going to jump out and >rape…….oh look it was just a cute little filly the whole time, and she's just as scared as Twilight.

I get what he's trying to do here, and it's technically done correctly. The problem is that it's done too correctly. The whole thing is so utterly predictable that the tension in this scene just falls flat. I'm not really sure how to fix it, honestly, because so far the whole story is like that. It's like trying to build a horror movie out of horror movie cliches. If the audience knows exactly when the monster is going to jump out every time, it's not scary, and if there's no other substance to focus on, you're just going to have a theater full of bored people looking at their phones.

If anyone here has ever read The DaVinci Code if you haven't don't worry, you're not missing much, I'm finding this to be a similar experience. Dan Brown writes competently enough, but everything he churns out reads like he learned to write from taking one of those online "write a novel in 60 days" courses. The plot rises and falls according to a diagram, key events happen exactly when they're supposed to, and all the plot threads come together at just the right time for a completely predictable climax that results in a completely predictable ending.

The thing about this method, though, is that in terms of marketing it's actually quite successful. Dan Brown is probably wealthy enough at this point not to care if some tripfag on an obscure taiwanese bestiality forum calls him a hack. Ditto for Poop Stank, who despite all the hate can point to an impressive readership and like/dislike ratio on FimFiction. Mass audiences respond to things that feel new but are really just the same things they've seen a million times before. You can see the same trends in music, video games, anime, etc.

By contrast, though, Stephen King, another bestselling pop author who can claim significant commercial success, takes a different approach. He hates outlining, and has said repeatedly that he usually just starts with an idea and some characters and creates the story as he goes. It's a more hit or miss bet you never miss process, and his novels tend to run long due to extraneous subplots and scenes that could probably have been cut. Frankly I think he gets away with a lot of shit that most editors wouldn't put up with from a writer who didn't have as big of a name. However, his stories are engaging to read, and his worlds and the characters he populates them with have a great deal more depth and substance than Brown's. I believe the reason for this is precisely because he allows his stories to grow organically from the imagination, rather than just starting with an established form and filling in the blanks.

The trouble with this approach, though, is that it's much easier to fail if you don't have the talent to pull it off. My hypothesis is that literally anyone could write a Dan Brown or a Pen Stroke, which is why those "write a novel in 60 days" courses exist. The only person who can write a Stephen King is Stephen King, and that holds true regardless of whether or not his books deserve to be called good (I personally like him, but he's received his share of criticism and some of it is valid). Writing organically from the cuff and pulling it off requires a certain degree of natural talent, as well as a solid mastery of writing fundamentals. You also need to have a natural sense for things like pacing and plot structure, and be able to keep track of multiple plot threads so you don't run into continuity errors and things like that. You can't just sit down and write whatever pops into your head and expect to pull Great Expectations out of your ass on the first try. Talking to you, Nige. But I think most talented writers to fall in the middle somewhere.

Anyway, veering off course here.

>The crying was now accompanied by some rustling, and it took Twilight only a few moments to pinpoint its source. It was the bush from earlier, the one Twilight had feared hid some horrible danger.

This sequence is a little drawn out. She notices a bush rustling at the very beginning of the scene, then she gets scared and panics, then she hears more rustling and starts searching around again. Seems like it would stand to reason that the original bush she noticed was rustling would be the first place she would check.

>More concerned about the other pony than the possibility of being attacked, Twilight crept over to the bush as quietly as possible. As she drew close, she reached out with her magic and began to carefully grasp at the branches. If whatever was inside the bush decided to run away, Twilight wanted to at least get a good look at it before it escaped.

There's a little too much direct explanation of Twilight's actions here. Curiosity is its own motivation; you don't need to justify it.

55e03 No.248874

I regret to say that I have not. I don't really pay that much attention to youtubers. However I'd be curious to see it.

28f5b No.248877

File: 1572286704657.png (1.25 MB, 1056x1024, ApplejackListeningToMusic.png)

Gaze upon its magnificence here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ffh7cWRrqF4
I'd say that if you watch any Youtubers, watch Internet Historian. He doesn't dramatically depict fanfics that often (those he does are the most infamous ones, and with writing that makes Past Sins look like Crime and Punishment), but he covers famous internet events (mostly brought about by 4Chan) in the same humorous style and it's a refreshing revival of classic internet culture.

>The problem is that it's done too correctly.
That's absolutely right and I couldn't word it better. It's a by-the-books (pun unintended) story that seems like something written by an AI after putting in a text seed. What left me feeling off after finishing it, although I considered it somewhat engaging, was that I still didn't know who Pen Stroke was. That may sound odd but after reading a work of certain length you tend to grasp the personality of the writer, likes and dislikes, sense of humor, inspiration, etc. Reading the work of someone with quirkiness or wit makes me feel more complete because it's a social exercise: the writer leaves an imprint of himself in the work and you get to listen to it.

>You can see the same trends in music, video games, anime, etc.

Absolutely. I don't particularly like Thoughty2 (his non-science videos have a disgustingly centrist perspective) but I agree with him here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oVME_l4IwII
What stuck with me was the fact that pretty much all pop music is written by a handful of people. This is why it sounds so formulaic: there's a hook right at the start to get people to recognize it, another repetitive hook that goes throughout the song with lyrics, a short change in rhythm around the middle that usually lacks lyrics, and a return to the repetitive hook that continues until the song fades out. I bet you that any random song that you listen to follows that formula.
That isn't to say that every song that does follow it is necessarily bad: after all, there are plenty that sound really good (which is one of the points of music) and it is a reliable format for songs lasting 2-4 minutes (the length of most modern songs). There is some genuine creativity that we can all enjoy. The masses like this type of music because it's catchy, it's easy to follow along, and it's steady; they don't really need to change it up all that much which is why modern pop tends to sound the same.

I personally prefer listening to indie music (God bless the internet) that does not follow such a predictable format. I must admit, though, that I also enjoy classical music and of course the various types of classical have their own formulae which most composers adhere to. One disadvantage, of course, that pop has in comparison is a very short (goldfish-like) time limit that prevents creativity of crests and valleys. Nonetheless, I can't blame the regular music enthusiast for not enjoying Penderecki or other atonal music; to be very different often involves intentionally imposing discomfort, uncertainty, or even dread upon the listener. Like you said most talented people are in the middle somewhere. The best composers (in my view) don't follow the rules entirely nor do they break them but exist in a middle-ground which is enthralling. In fact, this often lets them break away and establish new types or genres of music.

f4e15 No.248895

>My Immortal
You realise that was proven to be a deliberate shitpost, yeah?

9d587 No.248937

>You realise that was proven to be a deliberate shitpost, yeah?
To be fair, with the amount of autistic faggots who write garbage its quite possibly a case of Poe's law

f4e15 No.248938

Nah, if I recall right, someone got into the account and found messages confirming it was deliberate.

28f5b No.248955

Yup but that doesn't change the fact that a great deal of fanfics resemble its style nor the fact the video's a gasser. Also this one is legit afaik: www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q11jwThxBBI

55e03 No.248959

File: 1572369047889.jpg (112.47 KB, 1920x1080, maxresdefault (3).jpg)


>A filly as young as Apple Bloom was tangled up in the branches.

Since the audience being written for is going to be mostly bronies/horsefuckers, it's probably not that big a deal to name drop a canon show character who the reader would most likely know. However, I'm kind of a stickler for treating any original work as a standalone piece that can be read and enjoyed by anyone, regardless of whether or not they're familiar with the characters and universe already. Since we're only on the first chapter it's possible that Apple Bloom shows up later, in which case there's no problem because then it's just foreshadowing a character who hasn't appeared yet. If she's not in this story, though, her name shouldn't even be mentioned unless the author is going to also provide enough info about her for the comparison to make sense.

>She also had nicks and scratches all over, which Twilight could only guess had been caused by the bush’s long, sharp thorns.

If she crawled out of thorny bushes with scratches all over her body, a direct cause-and-effect relationship can probably be assumed. There's not going to be much guesswork required on Twilight's part. Also, we get it: she's a cute little filly, she's alone, she's frightened, she's hurt. There's no need to ham it up quite so much. This is starting to verge into pity-porn territory.

>Yet, it was the filly’s eyes that held Twilight’s attention and filled her with fear. Those eyes were not shaped like a normal pony’s. The turquoise orbs, which should have had round pupils, instead had dagger-shaped pupils. The whites of her eyes were also off. Instead of white, they were a lighter color that closely resembled the color of the irises.

the edge.jpg

>The cult said they were the servants of Nightmare Moon, and they were obviously trying to cast some kind of spell.

>The spell they were attempting, it wasn’t some simple bit of magic. To need that much setup, the spell had to be powerful, possibly the most powerful spell Twilight had ever seen. On top of that, they said that they were servants of Nightmare Moon.

Yes, most of us in the gallery can also put two and two together and realize that it makes four. Let's get on with it, shall we?

>What if the spell cast was supposed to bring back Nightmare Moon? And what if it worked?!

Well, I certainly hope it worked, otherwise we have about 200,000 words of pretty boring shit to slog through.

>Was that their goal? To resurrect Nightmare Moon? Did it work? Had the cult succeeded in bringing back Nightmare Moon? Was this Nightmare Moon?

>Was this really Nightmare Moon? Was that the purpose of the spell last night? Did it work? How did it work? How could there be a Nightmare Moon without Luna? Weren’t they one and the same? Why was Nightmare Moon so small? Did the spell not work? Was Nightmare Moon just trying to trick her into taking her back to Ponyville? Was she only pretending to be so small and helpless? Was she dangerous? Was this really Nightmare Moon?

>She could only pray to herself that she’d get back before Spike panicked and sent a letter to the princess.

>Spike anxiously finished writing the letter to the princess
This is actually a pretty funny way to conclude one segment and begin another. I'm ok with this.

>Thunder, lightning, wind, and pounding rain all came together at once, and Twilight was out in that weather, possibly hurt or even ponynapped.

I really, really wish you would stop using the word "ponynapped."

>Spike began to breathe in, the message to Celestia mere moments from being magically sent to Canterlot when the library door suddenly swung open.

>“Spike! Don’t you dare breathe out!” Twilight yelled, pointing a commanding hoof at him. She was covered in mud and grime up to her neck, little leaves and sticks were caught in her mane, and a tired expression was on her face.
This little scene plays out rather well visually, I can easily imagine this as an event in the show, and it's written succinctly enough that it doesn't throw off the timing of the gag. I'm ok with this.

>She, however, needed to make it a quick bath.

However, she needed to make it a quick bath.

>It was a very shallow bath, but it was perfect for the small filly. Twilight levitated the miniature Nightmare Moon lookalike into the water.

Oh shit is she going to try to drown her? Now that would be a surprise twist.

>She winced a few times as the water came in contact with her cuts and scratches, but otherwise the filly didn’t protest. She just stood there, being as complacent as possible as Twilight carefully used a brush to clean her.

Nope, I guess not.

Anyway, all jokes aside, I'm starting to think Pen Stroke must have been a Ritalin kid; I refuse to believe anyone willing to pen 200,000 words of something would naturally produce anything this dull. The image of Twilight giving a little filly a bath and brushing her hair is very heartwarming and cute I suppose, but we haven't known this character long enough for it to have any resonance. This whole scene is like a Thomas Kinkade painting: warmth without genuine emotion.

The direction the story goes from here is already painfully obvious: Twilight forms a mother-daughter bond with Nyx, but all the other ponies only see Nightmare Moon. Twilight defending Nyx becomes a point of friction that creates conflict between her and her friends. Then, something something everypony learns a lesson, and it turns out that the real monster was prejudice.

Running out of space, will continue.

55e03 No.248960

File: 1572369551671.jpg (23.78 KB, 500x500, 1a529bcf0ca4462aa1da45e2aa….jpg)


If you're going to write a story that's just a chain of empty cliches, at least do it right. This bath scene was a perfect opportunity for some cute comic relief in the form of a wacky slapstick scene. Maybe the filly doesn't like water, maybe she doesn't want to take a bath. She fights Twilight, and Twilight has to chase her around the room. Maybe she gets out of the bathroom and there's a chase sequence where she runs around the house breaking stuff. Maybe Spike is in the kitchen making fucking daffodil sandwiches and the filly suddenly runs across the counter and shit goes flying everywhere. The filly lands in flour or ketchup or something and now she's even dirtier than she was to begin with, haha wow, how wacky was that? Silly filly. There's a million different obvious directions the author could have taken this but didn't.

Scenes like that don't just provide comic relief, they also help deepen the parent-child bond between the two characters, as well as the bond between the audience and the characters. Element of laughter and all that. Seriously, pick up any random movie or story where the premise is that a childless single adult suddenly becomes the caregiver for an unrelated child; I guarantee you there is a scene in there somewhere, usually towards the beginning, where the adult tries to do something parent-y and fails miserably at it because they have no idea what they're doing and the child doesn't trust them yet.

The problem here is that we really don't know anything about Nyx, and despite the almost nauseatingly tryhard efforts on the author's part to make the reader feel instant sympathy for her, we have no reason to like her or care about her. There needs to be some initial distrust so the relationship has somewhere to go. We have that on Twilight's part somewhat, because of the filly's resemblance to Nightmare Moon. However, that's only a superficial distrust based on the filly's appearance, and despite it she seems to have no serious qualms about taking the filly back to her house and bathing her. The filly, meanwhile, seems to trust Twilight implicitly. This dynamic doesn't really work, because it makes Twilight look like some pathetic wine-aunt who secretly just wants a baby, and it makes Nyx look like a special-needs autist with no personality, who just complacently goes off with any adult who abducts her from the woods and dunks her in a bathtub.

>It had taken a couple of hours to convince Spike not to write to Princess Celestia and tell her about the filly. He, like Twilight, at first assumed that she was Nightmare Moon reborn and that the princess had to be told. He had even written up a letter and was about to send it before Twilight snatched it away and threw it in the garbage.

>Twilight’s arguments were weak. All she could really say was that the filly really didn’t seem to act like Nightmare Moon. In her logical mind, Twilight knew that Spike was probably right. They needed to tell the princess, but, once again, Twilight’s imagination betrayed her. Princess Celestia had banished Nightmare Moon to the moon for a thousand years. Twilight feared she would do the same to the little pony, and that just didn’t feel like something the filly deserved.

On a similar note, this is a horrible way to broach the subject of explaining the situation to Spike. Glossing over important scenes, where important things are discussed, with glib explanations that summarize the conclusions everyone reached, has never been, and will never be, a good idea.

At this point I'm retracting my earlier assessment, that Penis Stroke is an author who knows what he's doing and therefore his work deserves to be analyzed like a professional, published novel. From here on out, I will be judging Past Sins on the assumption that it is basically Silver Star Anus and the Magical Penis Cards with better grammar and honestly far less entertainment value.

Case in point, here are two relatively minor errors that it seems like at least one of Peen Stroke's 20 cock fluffers editors should have easily caught:

>It wasn’t how she would have liked to obtain his silence, but Spike had Pinkie Pie promised that, if she got him the gem in the morning, he would keep quiet about the filly until she wanted to tell Princess Celestia.

In the show, I'm pretty sure it's always referred to as a Pinkie promise, not a Pinkie Pie promise.

>Nightmare Moon had tried twice to plunge Equestria into eternal night, but filly didn’t seem like a danger.

but the filly didn't seem like a danger.

>It was better to be safe than sorry, and Twilight chose to keep her guard up. She’d watch and be ready to bolt out of the room should things become dangerous. At the moment, however, she needed to find out more about the filly. She needed to see if she remembered being Nightmare Moon or maybe had other memories, something to prove who she was.

Again, Twilight's interactions with Nyx so far have made for some pretty dull reading. So far we have a lot of narration focusing directly on her thoughts, which are mostly the same ideas going round and round. Twilight is concerned about Nyx, but is wary that she might be Nightmare Moon pulling a trick. This has been established multiple times; it doesn't need to be mentioned every other paragraph.

This is a prime case for an age-old writing adage: show, don't tell. Nyx has done basically nothing so far. From the time Twilight found her in the woods until the present there have been ample opportunities to introduce at least a little of her personality to the reader and let them start to form their own opinion of her, but so far all she's done is bathe and eat a sandwich. The rest has just been the interior of Twilight's head.

If I were going to write this section, I would probably make something out of the bath scene as I described earlier, and maybe have the next scene focus on an argument between Twilight and Spike.

55e03 No.248961

File: 1572370060270.png (241.52 KB, 1024x1401, starlight_glimmer__clappin….png)


>The filly shook her head, the first of many such replies. Twilight asked the filly what she did remember, what she knew, and a whole slew of other questions. Yet, while there were a few nods here and there, most of Twilight’s questions were met with a shake of the filly’s head, and each shake seemed to cause the filly’s eyes to tear up a little bit more.

It's obvious the filly's nature is to be somewhat shy and withdrawn to begin with, and that this is compounded by her being frightened and confused. While it explains why she hasn't said much so far, it's still a personality trait that is being underutilized. Miscommunications between she and Twilight could be fertile ground for an initial conflict between them, that can be gradually resolved as they come to understand each other, but it's not being used as such.

Case in point, the shit I was saying earlier about the bath scene. This filly is scared, injured, and presumably has no idea what the fuck is going on since she just sort of poofed into being the other night and woke up alone in the woods. Yet she has no problem whatsoever with a complete stranger taking her home and dropping her into a tub full of water. It makes far more sense that she would want to trust Twilight because she's all alone and has nobody, but would also be suspicious of her, also because she's all alone and has nobody. Since it's later established that she has no memories, she would probably not understand a lot of what Twilight is doing and would thus interpret some of her actions as hostile, hence she might panic and freak out if, for instance, she was suddenly dropped into a bathtub. This would in turn frustrate Twilight because she wants to help, but can't figure out how to communicate this to a pony that doesn't know about simple things like bathing. She is also wary of the filly's resemblance to Nightmare Moon, which adds an extra layer of tension.

Now, compare that dynamic to what is in the text so far:

Twilight finds the filly.
<insert 5 paragraphs of Twilight wondering to herself if the filly is Nightmare Moon>
Twilight brings the filly home.
<insert 5 paragraphs of Twilight wondering to herself if the filly is Nightmare Moon>
Twilight goes upstairs and takes a bath. Twilight asks the filly if she would like a bath. The filly takes a bath.
<insert 5 paragraphs of Twilight wondering to herself if the filly is Nightmare Moon>
Twilight and the filly have sandwiches.
<insert 5 paragraphs of Twilight wondering to herself if the filly is Nightmare Moon>
Twilight goes downstairs to explain to Spike what's going on.
<insert a couple of paragraphs succinctly describing how they eventually came to an agreement not to tell Celestia>
<insert 5 paragraphs of Twilight wondering to herself if the filly is Nightmare Moon>
Twilight goes back upstairs to talk to the filly. The filly mostly cries and does little else.
<insert 5 paragraphs of Twilight wondering to herself if the filly is Nightmare Moon>

I'm exaggerating a little bit, but this is more or less how I remember what I've read so far. Point is, Twilight wastes a lot of space on the page repeating the same thoughts over and over, and very little actually happens.

>It was a sight that helped Twilight understand why the little pony had been so quiet and subdued; she was scared and confused.

Once again, we have the completely fucking obvious being presented as if it were some kind of divine revelation.

>She had no memories of her own, yet possessed some common knowledge, like an understanding of Equestrian language.

And on top of everything else, she is suffering from a case of explosive amnesia. As if this story's being a gigantic pulsating ball of cliches wasn't bad enough, it's not even effectively utilizing its own cliches. She's frightened, she's hurt, she's confused, and she woke up in the woods without any memories. Great! Let's start with that and have her do some interesting shit! Oh, what's that? You'd rather just have her sit quietly and eat a sandwich while you blather on for pages and pages about how Twilight is worried that she might actually be Nightmare Moon? Carry on then.

>Again, the question of whether or not the filly was really Nightmare Moon reared its ugly head, but it was a question Twilight chose to shelve in her mind for later.

Yeah if what we've read so far is any indication, something tells me that question has a lot more head-rearing to do. I think we've solved the mystery of how this thing got to be 200,000 words long.

>So, despite her own anxieties, Twilight crawled up onto the bed and lay down beside the young alicorn, doing her best to comfort the crying filly.

This ending sentence actually does a pretty good job of summing up the focus of the entire sub-chapter. So far we've had a lot of narration dedicated to Twilight's anxieties, which mostly boil down to a single question reiterated over and over and over. Meanwhile, the young alicorn, who is ostensibly the main character in this dense volume of autism, has cried, eaten a sandwich, and taken a bath. Fabulous stuff.

Anyway, that's probably good for today. I'll finish off the remaining bit of Chapter One tonight.

151c5 No.248970

File: 1572377159598.png (239.06 KB, 447x447, 1538837910283.png)

Remember when Flutter Shy threw Starlight Glimmer out of a Helicopter?

Best episode ever

151c5 No.248971

File: 1572378064571.jpg (101.34 KB, 640x735, ZomboMeme 29102019154006.jpg)

AppleJack's opinion:

38634 No.249004

>believing the GlimGlam can be shim shammed
Lurk moar, newfag

49201 No.249009

I agree the industry recycles everything. They see what has been popular and resell it. They do this in all entertainment industries today it seems.
I also like sstories that are create by the vision rather than out some form of structure to adhere to to sell a product.
>The only person who can write a Stephen King is Stephen King
That is why one shouldn't try to compete in the mainstream sincce the industry will always have the resources to do mass appeal stories better while something you created is nische. People has to go to you to get if they want it.
>If you're going to write a story that's just a chain of empty cliches, at least do it right. This bath scene was a perfect opportunity for some cute comic relief in the form of a wacky slapstick scene
>There needs to be some initial distrust so the relationship has somewhere to go.
because it makes Twilight look like some pathetic wine-aunt who secretly just wants a baby
>Nyx look like a special-needs autist with no personality
I think it makes okay sense. A child with amnesia sees a freindly-looking woman. I mean I have been able to get really close to hares and foxes by just being gentle in my appraoch. Since Nyx is just a child with no one else around and no memory onecould even argue that she has no reason to be afraid since she doesn't know any better and also that she could imprint on Twilight. I remember when was a child. I used to talk too strangers all the time so long asthey seemed even remotely friendly.
I can understand you point I just don't think it most play out like that. It could but it also could not.
Regardless of Nyx being distrustful or not in this scene, I don't see why we most have comic relief in this part of the story. I kinda like a more quiet moment between the two characters. But perhaps you are just saying that since we are anyway reading cliches, we could have them play out the way they are meant to.
>On a similar note, this is a horrible way to broach the subject of explaining the situation to Spike. Glossing over important scenes, where important things are discussed, with glib explanations that summarize the conclusions everyone reached, has never been, and will never be, a good idea.
Yeah, it makes it seem like the author could not write this dialogue to resolve in the way he wanted in a believable way.
>Twilight ponders whether Nyx is Nightmare Moon
She does this literally the until it is revealed that *spoiler* she is and she never dvelve any deeper into it than raising the question either.

55e03 No.249032

File: 1572459163605.gif (4.85 MB, 557x313, full (1).gif)


>It reminded Twilight of the time she had seen an earth pony playing crystal juice glasses filled with water: a glass harp. It was a feat made easier by the special horseshoes the pony had on, but it was still impressive to watch and listen to.

Comparing the filly's voice to a glass harp isn't a bad analogy, but I think this explanation veers a little too far outside the narrative. Also, don't link to YouTube videos in written prose; if you have to reference outside materials in order to tell your story it's an indication that you're doing it wrong.

>“Can… can I sleep here?” the filly asked as she looked up at Twilight, a question that brought fresh unease to Twilight’s mind. Letting the filly sleep in the same bed was asking for trouble. If she was Nightmare Moon and just playing some cruel trick, Twilight was just asking to be attacked in the middle of the night. At the same time, Twilight couldn’t bring herself to refuse. It was like her mouth had forgotten how to form the word ‘no’ in the face of the filly’s pleading eyes.

Twilight's actions really don't make a ton of sense so far. She feels some kind of instantaneous maternal bond with this filly yet she is also afraid of her. She takes her back home with her yet she has reservations about letting her stay in the house. However, she also wants to keep the matter a secret from Princess Celestia, who could reasonably provide the filly with a safe place to stay while still taking precautions in case she turns out to be dangerous. Maybe it's the author's intent that Twilight is supposed to be feeling conflicted and indecisive, but mostly this just comes across as waffling. I also want to once again reiterate that there is no tension and no real interplay between Twilight and the filly, that nothing has really happened so far despite the fact that it has taken many words to get here, and that so far I'm bored out of my skull and wish somepony in this story would actually do something.

Anyway, the rest of this chapter doesn't really need to be pulled apart. It's mostly a lot of fluff about Twilight tucking the filly into bed, the filly looking up at her with her big cutesy wootsy eyes and asking Twilight if it's really okay for her to sleep over, and some other nauseatingly saccharin dreck that even the writer of a Hallmark Channel special would cringe at. Again, we have not been given any reason to feel anything for this character one way or the other yet, and so far it feels like the author is just layering cuteness and fragility onto his descriptions of Nyx in order to force us to feel something for her, because obviously you should just automatically care about anything cute and fragile. Protip: this usually doesn't work.

Chapter 2: A Secret Between Friends

>Still, with her empty belly acting as a powerful motivator, Twilight stepped into the kitchen. Almost immediately, the smells of breakfast filled her nose and whetted her appetite.

If her empty belly is a powerful motivator, then it stands to reason that her appetite has already been whet. I get what you're trying to say here, but find a better way to say it.

>Who made breakfast was largely dependent on who went to bed first the night before, and the previous evening it had been Spike.

You don't need to overcompensate so heavily here, it's no secret that Spike is Twilight's house nigger.

>Twilight had come to call the filly Nyx, an old name from a storybook Twilight remembered from her own fillyhood.

are you sure Mary wouldn't have been a better name? :^)

>Nyx, as the stories went, was a black coated mare that slept during the day and basked in Luna’s night, back before the princess became Nightmare Moon. Her job was to guard her town during the night from the many creatures that hunted in the dark. The tale of Nyx of the Night was one of Twilight’s favorite bedtime stories.

This is actually a rather nice bit of extra lore that helps make the story feel more fleshed out. I'm ok with this.

>Unfortunately, none of the library’s books had any direct information, and what information she could find was in theoretical magic.

What about those books she borrowed from Celestia? The rare texts taken from the Canterlot library? Might they be of assistance here? You introduced them to serve as a device for setting up the meeting between Nyx and Twilight, which is fine, but that doesn't mean they can't also be actually useful as books. It pays to treat everything you introduce into your world as a legitimate part of it; you never know when a seemingly innocuous story element could come in handy. Frankly there's a lot of raw material in this story so far that could potentially be spun into something interesting, that the author is sadly underutilizing.

>Over the past few days, Nyx had become a little more open, though she was still nervous and quiet.

See, this is the kind of thing that you want to show, not tell. This whole part of the story should be about Twilight and Nyx getting to know one another, as well as introducing the character to the reader so they can make a decision on whether or not they give a shit. You don't have to give away a ton since there's obviously a lot more story to go, but at least have the filly do something besides cry and paw at the ground.

>She had read a few books that fillies her age would be exposed to in school: nonfiction books about a wide and almost random spectrum of subjects.

I can already feel that the Sue is strong in this one.

>What worried Twilight the most, however, was that her curiosity was beginning to shift to the outside world. Just the previous day, Nyx had spent hours looking out the window, watching ponies pass by.

So….the big revelation here is that Nyx doesn't enjoy being cooped up inside a stranger's house under lock and key all day? This story's version of Twilight should really sit down and have a long talk with Captain Obvious; she might learn something.

55e03 No.249033

File: 1572460169013.png (389.1 KB, 1600x2230, starlight_glimmer_wants_hu….png)


>Yet, her request made Twilight realize something.

>She couldn’t keep Nyx hidden in the library forever.
Yes, Twilight and the Captain are going to need to have a nice, long chat. Meanwhile, though:

>She had made a plan. She was going to pass off Nyx as a cousin who was going to stay with her indefinitely to study, much like how she had started living at Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns when she became the princess’s private pupil.

>It might not have been the greatest of plans, but she hadn’t told her friends about Shining Armor until she got his wedding invitation. Rarity admitted later that she thought Twilight was an only child. Thus, it wasn’t unreasonable to think they’d believe Nyx was a cousin she hadn’t ever mentioned before, especially if she was a distant cousin.

We still have a lot of page space being wasted on Twilight's internal monologues, that really just sound like the author thinking out loud about what direction he's planning to take the story. The problem here, that Twilight can't keep the filly inside forever, but can't just let her wander around Ponyville either, are again quite obvious and don't need to be stated so directly or so often. Moreover, it's stupid to waste all this text explaining what Twilight is planning to do in advance of her actually doing it. Just have a scene where Twilight introduces Nyx to her friends and uses the cover story mentioned above. Since I'm guessing this probably happens (eventually) anyway, having Twilight explain it to us beforehand is doubly pointless.

>It took some precise movements and careful hiding, but Twilight was able to lead Nyx across Ponyville to Carousel Boutique without anypony getting a good glimpse of them. They were going to get there right when Rarity usually opened the shop for the day, hopefully ensuring there wouldn’t be any customers in the boutique.

It's clear from the earlier scene in the woods, where Twilight tried to transport both herself and Nyx and the spell wouldn't work, that there is some yet-unrevealed aspect of Nyx that messes with Twilight's magic. Or, alternatively, it could have had something to do with the Everfree Forest; I'm not quite sure which direction Peen Stroke is taking this. Either way, though, it stands to reason that Twi would have at least attempted teleportation before realizing that they would have to hoof it. Don't you just hate writing in universes with complicated magic systems that you're constantly having to take into account?

>She had been excited to finally go outside, but the size and number of ponies in the outside world had driven her to cling to Twilight the entire trip over to the boutique.

The author so far has a serious problem with using this pitiful-cutesy stuff as a crutch to try to artificially force reader sympathy for his otherwise undeveloped OC, which might be a big clue as to why the fandom seems to dislike her so much.

>Twilight chuckled a little under her breath and shrugged. “In the library, where else?”

>not chuckling ruefully
sorry, had to do it :^)

>“Where else indeed,” Rarity said before setting down the spools of thread she was levitating. “You know, all those dusty old books can’t be good for your complexion. You should come with Fluttershy and I on our weekly spa outing. You had such fun the last time you joined us, and I was actually hoping the three of us could make it a regular thing.”

I like the use of italics to give Rarity's speech more dimension. However, it's something you also have to be careful not to overuse. It's the same principle as Applejack's "countryisms" or Pinkie Pie's random autism. Too little and dialog sounds flat, too much and it sounds corny or forced. It's a difficult thing to get just right but you know it when you're there. For the most part the dialog and characterization in this story has been pretty good so far. For the canon characters at least; I'm finding Peen Stroke's OCs to be a little underdeveloped. But it's something that's worth pointing out either way.

>Most ponies are just satisfied strolling about without a thread of fabric on, but, personally, I feel some ponies would look just fabulous with the right vest or day-dress.

Yeah I don't quite understand the role of clothing in this universe either.

>It was a good thing Nyx was keeping her eyes turned down at the floor, for it kept her from noticing that Rarity was staring dumbfounded. Her gaze was focused on Nyx’s eyes, which she found all too similar to a pair of eyes she had gotten a very close look at during the Summer Sun Celebration two years ago.

It's a good thing Rarity can't see Nyx's eyes, because she keeps looking at her eyes? This doesn't make sense.

>Look, she doesn’t remember anything that happened before I found her, and she acts nothing like Nightmare Moon.

She acts nothing like anyone so far; she's had almost no dialog and hasn't done anything of note. So far neither we nor Twilight have had enough interaction with Nyx to make even a cursory, preliminary judgement on her character one way or the other.

Basically, Twilight just picked up this strange filly she knows nothing about and decided to assume responsibility for her on a fairly flimsy pretext. She has no existing connection to her, nor has she done a convincing job of establishing one. My impression of Peen Stroke's Twilight so far is of a lonely, desperate wine-aunt whose insecurity about being an autistic and socially inept librarian (with a steadily ticking biological clock) runs so deep that she leaps at the first chance to have a baby that random circumstance presents her. I highly doubt that's what the author was going for, but that's the impression he's conveyed (to me at least, others might not see it that way I guess), and it's mostly due to Nyx's being treated as a background presence in the story so far, rather than a character.

f4e15 No.249034

>It's clear from the earlier scene in the woods, where Twilight tried to transport both herself and Nyx and the spell wouldn't work, that there is some yet-unrevealed aspect of Nyx that messes with Twilight's magic. Or, alternatively, it could have had something to do with the Everfree Forest; I'm not quite sure which direction Peen Stroke is taking this.
The story mentions that some magic is drawn ambiently, guess who's sucking all of it out of air.

55e03 No.249040

File: 1572463155602-0.jpg (114.1 KB, 1024x768, C7ZMBliU4AA6lJp.jpg)

File: 1572463155602-1.jpg (83.88 KB, 728x657, nyx.jpg)


>Despite Twilight’s assurances, Rarity pointed an accusing hoof at Twilight while her brow furrowed with concern. “And did it ever cross your mind what would happen if she really was Nightmare Moon? That monster could have attacked you in your sleep!”

Jesus Christ, enough about Nightmare Moon already. Seriously, this same question just gets continuously rehashed over and over again without anything ever being addressed or resolved. Show, don't tell. Have Nyx do some magic that would be abnormally powerful for a filly her age, and then let the ponies (and Spike) wonder if she might be dangerous to have around. Then, have her do some cute, funny, endearing shit that tugs at their heartstrings and makes them feel like maybe she's just an innocent little filly after all. Either way though, for fuck's sake, make something happen in this story, something that gives the reader a non-abstract impression of who your OC is. There is absolutely no entertainment value in just having everyone pointlessly debating themselves and each other in circles over whether or not this filly might, in theory, be Nightmare Moon.

>But I’m afraid that if the princess finds out, she’ll banish Nyx to the moon!

If she did, it would certainly save us all some time.

>She really doesn’t know who Nightmare Moon is or anything that happened at the Summer Sun Celebration two years ago.

Twilight states this as a fact, but she has no way of actually knowing that it's true yet. She is now purposely avoiding logic and creating excuses to keep taking care of Nyx without telling the Princess. Like I said: crazy wine-aunt just wants a baby. Frankly, this story could be a lot more interesting if it actually explored this idea as one of its themes, but like I said my theory is that it's just a by-product of shoddy story building; I doubt Twi was characterized this way on purpose. I almost want to attempt my own rewrite of it from this angle, since I doubt Peen Stroke will ever read these notes or care.

>Do you really think a filly that young deserves to be banished to the moon, even if she was created by a spell meant to bring back Nightmare Moon?

She has literally no idea what the Princess will do. Generally, Celestia comes across as a pretty sensible ruler who is not inclined to take drastic or violent action unless the situation calls for it. Twilight is basically just dreaming up nightmare scenarios to justify her own irrational actions. Like I said: crazy wine-aunt. Also, the word "moon" is used twice in this sentence and it throws off the rhythm a bit.

>Rarity pushed her lips together. “And you want to use your favor like this?”

Poor Rarity, she thought she was getting sex. Instead she gets roped into another one of Old Maid Sparkle's zany schemes.

>I need you to make something, anything, Nyx can wear to hide her wings.

If that's all she needed, this was all quite unnecessary. Literally any garment would accomplish that purpose. A cloak, a dress, a vest; pretty much anything that covers the torso and back would do the trick. Twilight hardly needed to enlist the help of a master dressmaker. She still could have purchased the garment from Rarity's boutique, but there was really no need to drag Rarity herself into the scheme. Just walk into the shop alone, tell Rarara "Hey, my little cousin is in town and she wants a dress, do you have anything that would fit a filly about the size of your sister?", then walk out with a fucking dress. It accomplishes the dual purpose of hiding Nyx's wings while also seeding the rumor that Twilight's young cousin is staying at her house. Simple. Much simpler, in fact, than going to all the trouble of setting up this whole "favor" thing with that clumsy scene earlier, just to give Twilight enough leverage over Rarity to enlist her help. Later on, Rarity could always figure out Nyx's secret, then get upset with Twilight for deceiving her, and get even more upset for not having had the opportunity to do fashion stuff to Nyx. At that point she could chide Twilight on her poor fashion sense and make Nyx a new disguise.

>I also understand why you’re apprehensive about her going outside, but, Twilight, wings are so in style right now. All the best boutiques in Canterlot are using pegasus models this season.

How about this idea: make her a vest with fake wings, and then put that on over her real wings? Then, make a fake horn and put that on over her real horn. Then, when ponies see her, they will just see an Earth Pony pretending to be an alicorn. That's some inception-level diversionary tactics right there; nopony will ever see it coming. You've got to think outside the box, Twiley.

>“I’m almost done, just hold still for a few more seconds,” Rarity said an hour later. She had gotten lost in her work and had been treating Nyx more like a mannequin than a filly.

Don't feel too bad Nyx, the author of this story does the same thing.

>And that good behavior had allowed Rarity to work her usual magic, creating the casual wear Nyx needed. It was a simple purple vest, similar in design to the vests worn by everypony in town during Winter Wrap Up.

Alright, I have to do it:

>Yes, it hides her wings, but the outfit looks fabulous, wouldn’t you agree?

If pic 2 is accurate, and from the text it looks pretty accurate to me, I'm a little meh about the visual design. I don't presume to know much about fashion, but it's basically just a purple vest and a headband with glasses. Seems like Rarity could have done a little better.

Also, I have to say that now that I've seen the outfit she ends up in, I reiterate my previous statement: all of this was pretty much unnecessary. Twilight could have simply gone down to Rarity's boutique and bought a filly-sized vest without telling Rarity anything about the filly she was buying it for, and the end result would have been virtually the same.

55e03 No.249042


>That is why one shouldn't try to compete in the mainstream sincce the industry will always have the resources to do mass appeal stories better while something you created is nische. People has to go to you to get if they want it.

The point I was making with the Stephen King/Dan Brown comparison was more that Brown uses a paint-by-numbers approach that could be done by nearly anyone, while King has his own unique style that he developed on his own. The Brown method is safe for anyone to attempt, the King method requires talent and the patience to hone that talent into a style, which means if you spend time perfecting your own style only to find out that you truly suck, then you just suck. Meanwhile Dan Brown has sucked for his entire life and will continue to suck for the rest of it, but will probably never truly come to terms with it. But yes, what you said is also true.

>I think it makes okay sense. A child with amnesia sees a freindly-looking woman. I mean I have been able to get really close to hares and foxes by just being gentle in my appraoch. Since Nyx is just a child with no one else around and no memory onecould even argue that she has no reason to be afraid since she doesn't know any better and also that she could imprint on Twilight. I remember when was a child. I used to talk too strangers all the time so long asthey seemed even remotely friendly.

I think it makes sense logically, but it's not good storytelling the way he does it. The main takeaway is that most of the chapter is just Twilight thinking and/or talking to herself, while Nyx is just a passive presence who doesn't do anything to give the reader either a positive or negative impression of her. However he approaches the Nyx character, he needs to involve her more in the story. So far we have characters doing a lot of thinking about her, or talking about her, but not really interacting much with her beyond simple stuff like hair brushing and giving her food. My guess is that probably changes later, but this part of the story drags, and I feel like this is why.

>Regardless of Nyx being distrustful or not in this scene, I don't see why we most have comic relief in this part of the story. I kinda like a more quiet moment between the two characters. But perhaps you are just saying that since we are anyway reading cliches, we could have them play out the way they are meant to.

The chase sequence I outlined is just one possible direction he could have taken the scene; I mentioned it because it's probably what I would have done. Honestly I rather suspected that was what he was going to do since the rest of the story has been so predictable up to this point, but my guess was wrong. But either way, I feel like the main issue here is that there is too much focus on Twilight's inner thoughts and not enough interaction between the two characters. The main takeaway is that the scene as written lacks genuine emotional resonance. I think the comparison to a Thomas Kinkade painting I made earlier still fits pretty well: it's feels warm and fuzzy but doesn't make the reader feel anything real. Kitsch, I think would be the word for it. Specifically what type of scene the author wants to do is up to him; if he wants it to be quiet and intimate that's fine. But it needs a rewrite.

Also, I'll admit that the wine-aunt thing with Twilight might just be me coming up with silly headcanon because the story is boring me so far :^)

>The story mentions that some magic is drawn ambiently, guess who's sucking all of it out of air.
That's what I suspected he was getting at, but I wasn't 100% sure. In any event, I still think it would have made sense for Twilight to at least attempt to teleport them to Rarity's, especially since there was an element of risk involved in taking Nyx outside without a disguise on. It would have reinforced the mystery he already introduced anyway; she could try the teleportation spell again, have it not work, and then Twilight would say "Hmm, that's strange" and then the reader would also wonder.

55e03 No.249044

>I meant to comment on this when the threat first popped up but I'm glad to see you doing what you do best.
Thank you. Happy to have you on board, Nige, if that's you.

>You have no idea of the edge you're in for.
Hate to nitpick, but technically if I have no idea of the edge I'm in for, that would mean the story is actually unpredictable in some way, thus negating your previous comment.

That is indeed hilarious. I have to say I agree with the other anon's assertion that the fic in question is probably satire; nobody in the real world could actually embody that many stereotypes. At least, I need to believe that they couldn't.

>What left me feeling off after finishing it, although I considered it somewhat engaging, was that I still didn't know who Pen Stroke was. That may sound odd but after reading a work of certain length you tend to grasp the personality of the writer, likes and dislikes, sense of humor, inspiration, etc. Reading the work of someone with quirkiness or wit makes me feel more complete because it's a social exercise: the writer leaves an imprint of himself in the work and you get to listen to it.

I actually feel this way about Pen Stroke as well. That's why I felt Dan Brown was a good comparison.

c61ce No.249053

File: 1572470234478.jpg (214.58 KB, 1920x1080, cringe.jpg)

>The only person who can write a Stephen King is Stephen King
Ew, no. All you have to do to write Stephen King is read a little Lovecraft, be familiar with pop culture tropes, and be a pedophile cumbrain. The only good thing King ever did was Jerusalem's Lot, and that's only because it was a blatant rip-off of Lovecraft's Rats in the Walls.

55e03 No.249056

File: 1572470767427-0.png (171.99 KB, 579x1379, vector__196___starlight_gl….png)


>It was an awkward moment, and Rarity tried to turn away and ignore Nyx. After all, she wasn’t in any way convinced that Nyx wasn’t Nightmare Moon


Anyway, I'm a little ambivalent about Nyx suddenly bursting into tears about the confusion over the glasses. The misunderstanding itself makes sense and works for the story, but it feels like more pity-porn, where the author expects us to feel sorry for Nyx simply because she is crying, even though what she's crying about is pretty stupid. However, the next scene where Rarity and Nyx have tea together is quite a bit better than what we've read so far, so I'd rather focus on that.

>It was going to be a pleasant late morning tea, but Rarity had another purpose for the impromptu sit down with Nyx. To say the least, she was curious about the Nightmare Moon look-a-like and now had an opportunity to satisfy her curiosity while Twilight was away.

The fact that this tea serves the dual purpose of being a q&a session is obvious; you don't need to inform the reader.

Anyway, despite a few similar quibbles I have here and there, this scene is actually a pretty nice example of what I complained was missing earlier. Instead of pages and pages of Rarity musing to herself about who the filly is and whether or not she's Nightmare Moon, we have a nice little scene where the two characters drink tea together. Rarity realizes to her horror that Nyx does not know how to properly sip tea like a prim and proper lady, so she shows her how to do it. Nyx tries to mimic her, fails miserably, and ends up smashing the teacup on the ceiling. As Hiroshima Nagasaki would say, it's cute. And, more importantly, shit is finally happening: Nyx is interacting with other characters in the story, and she is performing meaningful actions that give us insight into who she is and how she ticks.

Compare this interaction with the earlier interaction between Nyx and Twilight in the previous chapter. There, we have Twilight bathing Nyx, Twilight brushing Nyx's hair, Twilight bandaging Nyx's cuts, Nyx crying herself to sleep on Twilight's bed. Nyx is almost completely passive; she doesn't talk, she doesn't react to her environment in any significant way, she doesn't really do anything. If she does do something, it's usually something excessively sad and pitiful which is more annoying than anything else.

Now, in this scene, she is active. Rarity asks her questions, she answers. Most of the questions either confuse her or she is unable to answer, but that's fine; the important thing is that they are having an active conversation. Rarity tries to show her how to drink tea, she fucks it up and breaks the teacup on the ceiling. This tells us a few things about her: she is clumsy, she doesn't have much experience in the world, she doesn't have much experience using her own magic, and she probably has more power than she realizes. Ignoring the fact that she's still a walking ball of cliches and a probable Mary Sue, this is still a much better way of building her character and engaging the reader than simply conveying the same information through one-sided musings the way it's done in the previous chapter. The author doesn't need to directly state (or have Rarity observe) that Nyx is clumsy, inexperienced, and probably way overpowered; he demonstrated it to us through this actually rather heartwarming and endearing little scene. This is how you build a story and characters.

With all that said, I do of course have a few things to nitpick:

>“Rarity, I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!” Nyx panicked before she put her hooves together on the table and literally began to beg Rarity for her forgiveness. “Please don't be mad, I-I-I didn't mean to do it! It was an accident! Please don't be mad! I'm so sorry, please don’t hate me! I… I…”

Once again, Nyx is made a little too intentionally pitiable to be likable. The "please don't hate me" routine is just over the top and is going to get really old really fast if she's going to keep doing it all the time.

>“Then I’ll just clean it up and we’ll try again until I’m out of cups,” Rarity answered, though she would secretly keep some of her cups hidden away.

Dirty cup-hoarding bitch.

>In the end, Nyx was able to wrap her lips around the rim of the cup and take a small, quiet sip. She then levitated the cup down with the intention of placing it back on the saucer. She, however, released her magic a little too early. The cup clattered down onto the waiting saucer, causing both Nyx and Rarity to wince. Yet, despite its rough landing, the cup neither broke nor spilt.

The scene is basically fine the way it is, but it might not be a bad idea to go through a couple more iterations of trial and error before Nyx is able to successfully take a sip of tea. There's sort of an informal rule that three is the ideal number of repetitions for anything funny, and that's what I generally adhere to. In this case, I'd probably have her break the cup on the ceiling the first try, on the second try levitate the cup without breaking it but spill the tea, and on the third try levitate the cup and get it close to her mouth without spilling, but then sneeze or something and end up spilling it anyway. On the fourth try, the gag is over and she finally succeeds. The repetition adds to the humor, makes her eventual success more of an achievement, and makes the sequence feel more complete.

Saying "in the end" makes it feel like her efforts are being glossed over and the story is being hurried along, and we don't want that. To build sympathy for a character, it's important that the reader go through their struggles with them. Even if it's just something stupid like learning to drink tea, success is more meaningful if the reader has accompanied the character along every step of the journey. You don't want to skip over things with phrases like "eventually" or "in the end", unless the thing is being attempted an excessive number of times.

28f5b No.249059

>The "please don't hate me" routine is just over the top and is going to get really old really fast if she's going to keep doing it all the time.
Ohohohohoho You ain't seen nuthin' yet

55e03 No.249061

>The only good thing King ever did was Jerusalem's Lot
Disagree. I'll admit he's written some shit, but I think he's also written a number of great novels. The Stand I happen to think is excellent, and It I've always felt was a good hero's quest fantasy story disguised as a horror story. The Dark Tower is kind of a mixed bag but it was an ambitious undertaking and I respect the effort.

One thing I like about him is he writes families and family dynamics quite well, particularly with families that are struggling to hold together or are dealing with some kind of turmoil or tragedy. The Shining for instance is basically a novel about an alcoholic who keeps fucking up but wants to do right by his wife and son. He tries to hold it together and ultimately fails, but still manages to redeem himself at the end. The spoopy stuff is just a bonus. It's written brilliantly, particularly the way it changes perspectives between the father, the wife and the son and gives you a sense of each character's view of the situation. The Stanley Kubrick adaptation was god-fucking-terrible and completely missed every single point, but for some reason people love that retarded movie.

Cujo is another good story about fucked up families. Not just the wife and son who get trapped in the car, but the family of the boy who owns the dog that goes rabid are all very well constructed characters. Pet Sematary is one of the most genuinely unsettling books I've ever read.

There are plenty of others, too. Bag of Bones I remember really enjoying, Cell was much better than I expected it to be, The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon is a great man-versus-nature story. There are probably more that I've read and liked that I can't think of off the top of my head.

I don't know about 'Salem's Lot being a ripoff of Rats in the Walls. I can see a few similarities but calling it a ripoff is a huge leap. In any case I agree, it's a great novel.

>pedophile cumbrain

Don't know about that. He's unfortunately a left-wing political retard, but that's about the worst thing I can say about him personally. The same is unfortunately true of a lot of people whose work I otherwise enjoy. If he's a pedophile though this is the first I've heard of it.

f4e15 No.249079

>Hate to nitpick, but technically if I have no idea of the edge I'm in for, that would mean the story is actually unpredictable in some way, thus negating your previous comment.
Oof. Well, you know at this point that there's going to be edge, but as you can imagine, it's very gratuitous like the whole "pity me" angle Pen Stroke kept going for with Nyx.

55e03 No.249101

File: 1572505789113-0.png (693.07 KB, 750x750, 88b.png)


>“Can you teach me something else, Rarity?” Nyx asked eagerly. “Please?”

>Rarity glanced in Nyx’s direction, finding the request all too enticing.
I'm too classy to even touch this one.

>Twilight galloped, grumbling under her breath about the pony at the shop where she had bought the frames. It had taken much longer than it should have to find the right frames, and it was no fault of Twilight’s. The stallion who ran the store understood Rarity’s very specific specifications, but what had taken him forever was finding those glasses. The stallion had no organization skills, and they ended up looking through half the boxes he had in storage for those specific frames.

This is actually kind of an amusing little anecdote. A disorganized and probably somewhat slow-witted shopkeeper is searching through boxes and boxes full of frames arranged in no particular order while Twilight stands there impatiently grinding her teeth and silently reeeeeing at the pony's lack of organizational autism. The reader can easily visualize it, it's within the scope of the show's usual humor, and it's funny. However, the author doesn't make a whole scene out of it, and that's good. This is the kind of scene that it's appropriate to gloss over since it's not particularly important, but is still worth putting in. Just drop a summation of what happened into the story as a quick paragraph, let the reader have a rueful chuckle, and move on. I'm ok with this.

>“Yes, those frames definitely suit her better than the first pair,” Rarity said with a smile and a single, confident nod. “And the color goes just as well with her vest as I had hoped.”

All in all I still think the visual design the author came up with for Nyx-in-disguise is simplistic enough that it doesn't really justify this much trouble. Even a fashion-clueless mare like Twilight could have probably figured out a vest and some glasses, and it equally stands to reason that a fashion-conscious mare like Rarity would have come up with something better. However, the scenes with Nyx learning good manners from Rarity have been pretty enjoyable so for the most part I'm ok with this.

>Nyx’s ears drooped and she shrank back a little. “Protect me? From what?”

Goblins. Carnivorous, filly-eating goblins that tear the flesh from your bones while you're still alive. Ponyville is full of them. Did Twilight neglect to mention that? Silly filly.

>“Why, from making other ponies jealous. Most ponies either have wings or a horn, if they even have either at all, but you have both. Not only that, but you have such unique eyes that you’d make other ponies jealous, and you wouldn’t want to make anypony jealous, would you?”

Well, that seems like a perfectly harmless little white lie to tell a child whose feelings you don't want to hurt. That will be the end of it, I'm sure. I can't imagine that Nyx will eventually find out the real reason Twilight and Rarity made her dress up like pony Steve Urkel, and possibly overreact to it, causing her to feel betrayed by the ponies she thought were looking out for her, and then in a fit of rage use her Mary Sue superpowers to wreak some kind of outrageous edgelord magical havoc on all of Ponyville, or maybe just cry and run off into the woods in an overly dramatic fashion, depending on which direction the author wants to go. No, I imagine that Peen Stroke has more creativity than that, and would never blatantly foreshadow something obvious like that.

>I’ll admit, Twilight, she’s… she’s very well behaved, and I can see why you believe she only looks like Nightmare Moon.

From here on out, I am going to call Peen Stroke a faggot every time somepony in this fic brings up Nightmare Moon for no good reason.
You're a faggot, Peen Stroke.

>I don’t think I’d be able to sleep at night if Celestia punished such a young, sweet filly if she wasn’t in fact Nightmare Moon.

You're a faggot, Peen Stroke. Also, this seems to imply that Rarity would not have a problem with Celestia punishing Nyx if she actually were Nightmare Moon, despite that she would still technically be the same sweet young filly either way. But maybe this was intentional; the real monster is prejudice, after all.

>“Firstly, that little filly has a lot of magic.” Rarity warned. “As you can see, she’s already able to levitate a tea cup with some proficiency. Well, the first cup she tried to lift flew straight into the ceiling and shattered to bits, like she put too much effort into it.”

The significance of this event probably doesn't need to be discussed. The reader should be able to guess at the meaning.

>I’ve found out the hard way that Nyx is a very sensitive pony. I accidentally said something in passing that made her think you hated her, and she was absolutely heartbroken. In fact, I dare say she is actually worse than our dear Fluttershy.

Yeah, something tells me that the "please don't hate me" schtick is not going anywhere any time soon. *sigh*.

>I was actually planning to show Nyx around Ponyville and see how well her disguise works. Take her to see the rest of our friends.

Yes, please, tell us exactly what you're going to have your characters do before they actually do it, then have them do the exact thing that you said they were going to do. That always makes a story more interesting to read.

>While Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie may take well to Nyx, I can only imagine that convincing Applejack and Rainbow Dash that she isn’t Nightmare Moon would be much more difficult.

You're a faggot, Peen Stroke.

>“That, and the fewer ponies that know the truth, the better; at least until I can figure out if she really is Nightmare Moon or just happens to look like her,” Twilight explained.


>“Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye,” Rarity quickly chanted, making the appropriate body movements in tune with the Pinkie Pie promise.

Again, I'm fairly certain it's just called a "Pinkie promise."

55e03 No.249125

File: 1572540271714-0.gif (1.17 MB, 500x307, tumblr_oqaflcn0PH1uzqz6do1….gif)

>Keep an eye on Nyx, Twilight. I know you don’t think she’s Nightmare Moon, but I would rather you err on the side of caution.
You continue to be a faggot, Peen Stroke. Also, let's wrap this up, shall we? The tea party scene was nicely done, but this conversation is just more pointless thinking out loud and circular discussion of shit that no one cares about. Seriously, this fic is more or less competently written but I'm constantly coming across large blocks of pointless text that should either be rewritten or chopped down to a more reasonable size. You should probably fire your 20 current editors and your "assistant" Batty Gloom (whatever his role in this is exactly), and see if you can just find one competent person to fill those roles, because all of them are clearly missing a ton of really obvious shit.

>That, and Rarity realized something else. Having Nyx over would give her the opportunity to make sure she wasn’t Nightmare Moon.

You. Are. A. Faggot. Peen. Stroke.

>Twilight spent the next few hours showing Nyx to her other friends, and, just like her friends were different, their responses to Nyx were vastly different.

See, again, this is the kind of thing you're not supposed to just gloss over in a few paragraphs. Since she still has four more ponies to meet, I can see how it might get a bit tedious to have four separate scenes like the one we just had. However, it could be split two and two, or you could even just write a single scene where she is introduced to all four. What seems most likely here is that the author needs Nyx to be acquainted with all of Twilight's friends in order for whatever else he's got planned to happen, and he wants to just get the introductions out of the way as quick as possible. If that's the case, it's almost better to just postpone them and move on to the next thing and just introduce Nyx to various characters as she needs to meet them. It may also be a sign that the structure of the work is fundamentally flawed to begin with and it might behoove the author to reconsider the way he plans to develop the story. Either way, these quickie introductions read like the author is just trying to get something mundane and tiresome out of the way. If the person writing the story isn't even interested in what's going on, how can he expect the person reading it to care?

>Rainbow Dash was actually the very first to run into Twilight and Nyx… literally. Twilight was no stranger to being a living crash site for her pegasus friend, and was no worse for the wear after the pony-to-pony collision. Nyx, however, was bawling her eyes out in panic, worried that the first pony to show her any kindness was seriously injured.

See, this could have actually had the potential to be a funny and heartwarming scene in the same way that Rarity and Nyx having tea was. Instead, it's just a couple of short sentences informing us that Rainbow apparently crashed into either Twilight or Nyx (or both) and that Nyx, predictably, started bawling her eyes out. I mean, did anything even remotely interesting happen here that we might want to know about? If RD crashed into Nyx, it could have knocked her glasses off, that might have caused an interesting moment of panic. Maybe Twilight had to do something funny to distract Dash until Nyx could get the glasses back on. Or you could just have them all fucking kiss each other, who even cares at this point.

>Rainbow Dash, on the other hoof, wasn’t too impressed with Twilight’s “cousin.” In her own words, Dash pointed out that Nyx was kind of a crybaby and that she could stand a lot of toughening up.

Thank you, Dash. Somepony had to say it, and I'm glad it was you.

>The next pony Twilight introduced Nyx to was Applejack. Still reeling from her encounter with Rainbow Dash, Nyx was frightened of Applejack and seeing her bucking trees didn’t help. Nyx, however, warmed up to Applejack when she showed her some good old fashioned hospitality, offering a smile and apple juice. Soon, Applejack was answering Nyx’s almost endless stream of apple-and-farm-related questions, impressing not only Nyx but Twilight with her extensive knowledge of her livelihood. If apple farming was a field of magical or scientific study, Applejack would have a PhD.

Again, this encounter could have made an engaging scene, but here it feels like we're just crossing off item #2 on a list of dumb shit we have to get done before we can go home and play Nintendo.

Anyway, visiting Fluttershy is item #3 on our dumb list, and then we move on to the next bit. Incidentally, going back to what I said earlier about writing a work so that it could be picked up and enjoyed by anyone and not just fans of the show, if someone with no knowledge whatsoever of the MLP universe were reading, he would not know anything more about Rainbow Dash, Applejack, or Fluttershy than he did to start with as a result of having read this. You're just dropping character names into the story without conveying any impression of who they even are or why they're important. Again, if it's not particularly important yet for Nyx to know these ponies, just save their introductions for when it is.

It looks as if item #4 on our to-do list is a stop at Pinkie Pie's. Anyway, It looks like Poop Stoop wrote an actual scene here, so let's roll up our sleeves and dig into it.

>The disguise had to undergo one final test before Twilight would feel confident that Nyx’s resemblance to Nightmare Moon would remain hidden.

You're a faggot, Peen Stroke.

>“Oh, I know!” Pinkie Pie chirped, bringing her head back and returning some of Nyx’s personal space. “Let me guess! I’m great at guessing games. Um… Little Shadow? No… how about Night Shade? Oh, I know! Black Snooty, Black Snooty!”

Das raycis, yo.

>On the morning of the Summer Sun Celebration two years ago, when Nightmare Moon first appeared, Pinkie had tried to guess Nightmare Moon’s name.

You are two times a faggot, Peen Stroke.

49201 No.249127

If you start to feel bored by this story at somepoint you can always switch over to the other long and popular classic, Fallout: Equestria by Kkat. This story is literally slice of life with mary sue oc together with Hamlet-Twi pondering the deep question, "Art she Nightmare Moon or not? That is the question."
Say waht you want about fallout but thing actually happens in that story. Stuff do happen in this story as well. If reaing about Nyx bathing was a 1 out of 10 in the amount of action that is happening in the scene, then the following chapters steadily increase that until the half-way point. That's when thingsstart to happen. But everything up to that point are 5/10 at best, but I guess that's just my opinion. You won't know for sure if you don't read it.
>You are two times a faggot, Peen Stroke.
You should probably change your approached to that or else you might become as repetitive as Pen Stroke.
>Yeah if what we've read so far is any indication, something tells me that question has a lot more head-rearing to do. I think we've solved the mystery of how this thing got to be 200,000 words long.
You are very right about this.

55e03 No.249128

File: 1572546996657-0.jpg (106.2 KB, 800x567, EF-45-front.jpg)


Anyway, like most of Mr. Stroke's other characterizations of the Mane 6, Pinkie Pie is done pretty much on the mark here, so no complaints about the way she speaks or behaves. The introduction goes reasonably well and, of course, what happens is fairly predictable. Pinkie's use of the name "Black Snooty" to describe Nyx suggests that she has made some kind of subconscious connection between Nyx and Nightmare Moon (you're a faggot, GlimGlam), but in the waking world she hasn't figured it out yet, so Twilight can relax now. However, Pinkie is more concerned with the fact that Twilight had a cousin in town for three days and didn't bring her around until now, and, naturally, wants to throw her a party.

>She did worry that Pinkie Pie might have subconsciously noticed Nyx’s resemblance to Nightmare Moon, which could explain why she brought up the name Black Snooty.

You're a faggot, Peen Stroke. Also, once again, you don't need to directly explain stuff like this, just leave it out there and let the reader make these connections on their own.

>Twilight chuckled anxiously; the welcome party had been on the night just before Nightmare Moon returned, which was treading dangerously close to information Twilight didn’t want to share with Nyx. After all, the reason she hadn’t attended her own welcome party was that she wanted time to look up more information about Nightmare Moon.

I'm tempted to let this one slide since this in this case the mention is actually relevant and belongs in the text. However, since you name-dropped NM twice when once would have been sufficient, you're a faggot, Peen Stroke.

Anyway, she decides it's ok to tell her about the party and leave out the rest, so the chapter ends on an ellipsis with Twilight describing her first day in Ponyville. All in all a decent chapter I guess, minus the myriad complaints I had about it. On to the next one.

Chapter 3: School Days and Memories

>Nyx clung to Twilight’s front leg as the pair looked at the building ahead of them. It was painted in rich, welcoming reds and surrounded by a lush green yard. The building was decorated with festive hearts; even the weather vane on the top of the bell tower featured a heart, looking almost like a Cupid’s arrow. A playground was visible behind the building, while in front there was a flagpole and a hedge sculpture of a pony wearing a square, flat-topped hat with a tassel.

>It was a welcoming sight to most young ponies in the community and a place of fond memories to many of Ponyville’s residents. It was a place of learning, where ponies studied for a bright future and made good friends. It was the Ponyville Elementary School, where the mulberry earth pony, Cheerilee, granted the gift of knowledge to her students.

>It was a place that utterly terrified Nyx.

inb4 she pulls a Columbine.

Anyway, it looks like we've jumped forward in time here a bit, which is perfectly fine. Pinkie Pie's party probably went about as usual, so there really wasn't much reason to include it or even summarize it after the fact. Just about everything that needed to happen for Nyx to get settled in Ponyville has happened, so we're ready to move along to the next part of her adventure. Other than what I've mentioned, I'm pretty much ok with the pacing so far.

>Twilight chuckled a little at Nyx’s fear. “Don’t worry, Cheerilee is very nice. Just pay attention in class and remember to follow the rules. That means both Cheerilee’s rules and my rules, which are?”

>“I can’t take off my vest, I can’t take off my glasses, I can’t tell anypony about my wings or that I’m an alicorn, and I should try not to use my magic unless I’m writing something down.”
I still kind of like my personal headcanon of the Twilight in this story being a crazy wine-aunt who is doing all of this because she secretly wants a baby. If you view this story through a lens of pure realism (silly to do in pastel pony world I know, but bear with me) this situation is abnormal to the point that it borders on creepy.

Nyx: Why do I have to go to school?
Twilight: Because it's normal! You'll do it because it's normal! Now tell Mommy the rules again.
Nyx: "Keep my disguise on, don't tell anypony my real name, and don't talk about what happens in the basement."
Twilight: Good. Now come straight home after school, and don't talk to anypony on the way.

Honestly I'll once again put it out there that this dynamic might have made for a more interesting premise to begin with than the whole "Frankenstein's monster just wants to be loved" cliche that Peen Stroke chose. Most of the canon characters haven't really been explored, but we've gotten decent sketches of Twilight and Rarity so far, and based on what's written you could make a darker alt-interpretation for both of them. With Twilight, obviously, we have the deranged, box-wine guzzling single cat lady, whose slowly ticking biological clock and inability to meet eligible stallions due to personal autism drive her to abduct a strange filly and raise it as her own. Meanwhile, Rarity's obsession with manners and etiquette could belie some deep-rooted dissatisfaction with the way her life has turned out. The way she starts immediately directing Nyx to sit up straight and keep her (metaphorical) elbows off the table could indicate she's got some weird power-trip issues. Only she can see the dirt and grime that covers this filthy world. She is obsessed with imposing order and beauty on chaos and ugliness, and since her own sister is fairly uncouth and has continuously disappointed her, she tries to mold Nyx into a perfect new recruit in her war on rudeness. Both ponies have deep rooted psychological issues, and poor Nyx becomes their unwitting victim.

lmao I'm just riffing at this point. But alt-scenarios are fun, and protip you can sometimes get some pretty interesting ideas from thinking about stories and characters from a different perspective than what the author intended.

55e03 No.249129

I'll probably read FoE at some point as I've been curious about it for a while. However, now that I've started this one I'd like to see it through to the end. For the purposes of this review series I actually prefer to read things that are at least somewhat terrible, because if I have nothing to grouse about or make fun of the review won't be any fun to read.

Past Sins so far seems to be a fanfiction work of middling quality that for some reason became extremely popular and catapulted its author to horse fame. It's not the worst thing I've ever read, but it's far from being the best. Pen Stroke isn't a good enough writer to justify the amount of praise he gets, and I think both he and his magnum opus could stand to be knocked down a couple of pegs. For that reason, it's really turning out to be a perfect candidate for this review series.

5d65e No.249142

Good call. As much as I hate Friendship Is Optimal and the original Fallout Equestria, Nyx's story is more popular than…
No, calling it more popular isn't the right word. Both of those shit stories I mentioned started their own circlejerking mini-fandoms that often put out work better than their inspirations, yet have worship of The Original mandated within said fandoms.
Criticism of this Nyx story isn't as common as it should be. Fallout Equestria fans have memed on the bullshit in the original and Project Horizons, so…
If I was told to make the order in terms of "Deservedness", I'd say Nyx, FIO, then FE.
But in terms of humor, FE is a lot funnier in a "This is what the writer considers good?" sort of way.
It's weird.
I've read Fequestria twice. Once long ago as a young boy with low standards and a desire to be wowed.
And again about a year ago with some friends discovering and laughing at this shitshow for the first time.
It's a completely different experience. Suddenly, it isn't tragic that Rarity almost saved Equestria but failed because of her own foolishness and so she ended up getting raped to death with one hoof fused to a window because body horror poison gas, for example. Suddenly it's comedy gold that this is what the writer goes for when he wants to write heart-molesting tragedy. Friends who do this for fun every week notice shit you never noticed, and you get to say those things you always noticed but never mentioned.
Here's one I always noticed but never mentioned:
The story's sense of morality's a bit fucked.
Singer Belle doesn't act like a human.
Or a pony.
Or a nicey-nice pony forced into sad world and trying to hang onto her nicey-nice virtues.
She acts like the character of a powergaming human trying to do enough Morally Good actions to gain +100 morality points and qualify for some PRC ASAP, logic and roleplaying and the world and the lives of her friends characters be damned.
She acts according to a bizarre form of morality only seen in that kind of scenario. Where certain actions like Sparing Enemies and Charity provide positive karma points, even if they'd logically be terrible ideas that increase the amount of suffering in the world and result in more crimes committed by the people you saved.
Every time she does some dumb shit, like giving away the group's HIGHLY LIMITED HEALING SUPPLIES (Which could save the lives of these life-savers or get used to save the lives of injured innocents later on or get traded for bullets or medicine or anything else) to LITERAL BANDITS - WHICH JUST GOT FINISHED SHOOTING AT THE HEROES AND TRYING TO STEAL SHIT FROM THE HEROES, AND JUST LOST A FIREFIGHT WITH THE HEROES - JUST SO SHE CAN FEEL MORAL, it's treated as something normal and reasonable she just does, and gets away with doing, in passing.
No arguing over whether it's done or not. Singer Belle just does it. And it's mentioned that she does this in fucking passing.
and the story fucking congratulates her for this Stupid Good no-kill-challenge bullshit so fucking much, Littlepip thinks she's so cool and so sexy and so nice for never killing, and she thinks the same thing about Three-Dog-2 for never killing, too.
The story loves Singer Belle, later writing that some Super Mutant Nightkin-Alicorns decided to join her side because she was juuust so merciful and kind uwu, and she ends up making the Super-Followers Of The Apocalypse in the end because fuck depth.
Fuck meaning and fuck depth and fuck the story Fallout tried to tell with these guys, showing them suffer for their goodness and letting you help them help the world and make things better for them, fuck all of that because Cloned Alicorn Supersoldier FOAs is just so much "Kewler".
Original FOAs were weak kind saints hated by those in power, so of course these "Better" FOAs, these "Fallout Equestria'd" FOAs get to be super strong/fast/smart/magic alicorn badasses.
Didn't she also get a Tranq Pistol or something, so she can still sort-of help in firefights? Yeah, she won't kill but she won't bat an eyelid when her friends headshot everyone she tranq'd post-firefight. Good thing she never ran into raiders too doped up on chems to feel tranqs.
Also she did kill raiders anyway at one point, she failed no-kill november. She killed some raiders for forcing some slave colts and fillies to fight to death. Said "I've never killed a pony [blam] and i still haven't" and does this scene end with her coming to terms with the fact that she's just taken a life? Does this scene end with her talking to her friends about this, and trying to figure out what her morality is, what it should be, what morality can be in this wasteland while still being moral, and eventually deciding some people need to die and it's time to kill raiders but leave starving bandits alive, or determinedly re-affirm that she wants to be a hero who never ever kills and swear to try even harder to follow this rule from now on?
Do the little pony children she saved by killing the raiders get to talk, add in their two cents, and help Singer Belle whether she wants to Go Lethal or stick to Nonlethal?
Nope, the scene's just there so the writer can add this scene to his TvTropes "Crowning Moment of Awesome" page. Because nothing says awesome like shooting one raider with a gun while delivering the same cheesy action movie dialogue that infests the whole film.
The protags are told "Pick 1 virtue, hold onto it no matter what" so they do. Littlepip chooses "NEVER GIVE UP" and Singer Belle chooses "Never kill", so she reaches Batman levels of Stupid Good and never gets called out for staying there.
She does get called a cunt once for Tranqing Littlepip and helping her break her mentats addiction, since it resulted in some side-character dying. So there's that.

5d65e No.249143

>Yeah I don't quite understand the role of clothing in this universe either.
Personally I always saw it as a decorative thing. A pair of jeans, a vest and a coat won't do much to hide a horsecock and skirts could be lifted by tails and the wind anyway. Plus their fur keeps them at an alright temperature most of the time. Clothing's something commonly seen in very hot and very cold places, plus very rich places where everyone wants to show off. But socially, they never needed to develop a major taboo about being naked, so the rare pony who "Feels naked" without their usual lucky hat/lucky cape/lucky outfit on is the weird one.

5d65e No.249144

>make a fake horn and put that on over her real horn
Fuck, I was going to do that in my Silver fic episode where Silver gets arrested for a crime he didn't commit, has a Silver Spare take his place in prison, and has to prove his innocence while disguised. Meanwhile the Silver Spare, his magic locked, has hilarity ensue. He must not get hit/touched or he pops, alarms are raised, and evading arrest becomes an actual crime he committed.

5d65e No.249145

I know My Immortal is a parody because of one word.
Ebony Darkness dementia raven way's the protag, and we're supposed to believe a teenaged girl named "Tara Gilsbie" wrote it.
That's probably an anagram, reference to a book, or anagram'd reference to a book.
But either way
there are points in this story where the author "accidentally" writes
>and then Tara snogged the goffik guy
instead of
>and then Enoby snogged the goffik guy
Now I can believe this. I can believe a writer self-inserting herself would fuck the name up now and then, but
If you notice a mistake at the last second when writing, you fix it. You don't continue the wrong word with the right word like you're a character on some TV show saying "NoooooooYES, yes is my final answer".
Brilliant parody, but definitely just a parody and not a real thing.

5d65e No.249146

Also fuck Fequestria, whenever it wants to be cool it uses explosions and big fights and bad action movie dialogue.
When it wants to be "Clever" it comes up with a contrived explanation for the movie-logic idiot-villain bullshit someone's doing or it "Fills in a plothole" the writer saw in Fallout 3 where there wasn't one. such as
>"when you shot those radroaches and targets in Fallout 3 why didn't you hit a nuclear reactor pipe and kill everyone and radmutate the survivors into rapebeasts?"
>"Omg why didn't Colonel Autumn just shoot u? why did he use a Stun Grenade on you, call you gay, then leave? In my fanfic it'll be because he's a master plan who wants to fuck- i mean fuse himself with you and The Master to create the bestest supervillain ever, who toootally won't be paralyzed with Celestialsapien indecision".
And when it wants to be scary, pick one of the following to use in doctor-recommended doses:
>someone gets shot
>canon place exists but it's been coated in shit and piss and raider semen and darkness
>rape, rape attempt, rape mention
>did i mention the world still looks like shit?
>hero fails in a minor and unimportant way and hero feels uber bad about that
>bad thing happens to beloved canon character, every last one (except Derpy Hooves, she gets to be that ghoul dumbass from Fallout 3 because that's a "Happy" ending)
>obligatory body horror but not to an extent that'll upset audiences, you just want the teens impressed by your darkness
>someone calls Littlepip a massive fucking faggot for wanting to be heroic
>littlepip goes on another rant, yelling "ffffffFUCK you I'm the real hero and I will hold onto the light because the darkness is dark! I will make this dark world choke on my dark soul's LIIIIIIIIIIGHT!"
>VATS solves a fight scene before it starts, because why not just fucking transplant a video game's easy mode button for bethesda-loving faggot niggercucks into the fucking written word, jesus fucking christ I feel so much genuine rage over how fucking much I hate VATS that it's surprising me right now
>someone calls Littlepip "The real villain from a certain point of view" in one way or another. for example, "the children of the raiders you slaughtered call you The Deathbringer" and shit like that
>incredibly unlikely-to-happen bad event happens right where the camera and heroes can see. Littlepip tries to save some filly, she flees from Littlepip because she's sooo scary, then the filly gets shot and turned to dust by laser fire. Then Pein's little dog gets stabbed by a Kunai and blown up, too.
>fallout element shoehorned in where it didn't belong and doesn't make sense, especially if canon ponies need to be uncharacteristically stupid/awful for this to happen
>fallout element gets One-Upped in the shallowest ways possible, Dead Money happened to all of Canterlot for not making the shield and purging ziggers soon enough even though that throws out all the depth of the original Dead Money, plus Poison Cloud is replaced with Super Poison Cloud that makes shit stick to you so anybody inside it ends up like the Ghost People without needing the suits supplied by the Think Tank
Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons has this writing problem x2. So it has Super Radiation called Innervation which is so bad, even the radiation-immune Alicorns can't take it! Just like the edgy original species from your 13-year-old self's unpublished fantasy novel that's so edgy, it gets drunk off poison that'd kill any lesser race, and then because you wanted these guys to be threatened by poison/radiation anyway, you invent a Super Poison/Super Radiation that can hurt even them!
Sorry, should I save this autism for a different thread? I don't want this thread to hit bump limit before you're done with Nyx's story.

d774f No.249147

This pretty much sums up the ridiculous protagonists of FoE.

49201 No.249186

>at least somewhat terrible
Well, I wouldn't call fallout Equestria good but I haven't read more than the beginning either. I just know more stuff happens in it.
>because if I have nothing to grouse about or make fun of the review won't be any fun to read.
I think it is more like this: Terrible story> Great/good story>Just medicore.
It think you could imporve this review if you found a story that is similar to this story and compared it to. Showing that the current story isdoing it wrong by showing how it should be done instead, which you are sort of doing with your own exampels right now.
Those reviews that compare similar things to show which one is better are often the ones I like the most anyway.
Regardless, do whatever you want.

57b69 No.249191

Without spoiling anything, Fallout Equestria isn't a bad fic, but it's not a masterpiece by any means; good, maybe even great, but not amazing (fuck Velvet Remedy, though). It probably wouldn't be the kind of thing GlimGlam would be looking for to review and pick apart, even if that would be nice to see.

Now, something like the Conversion Bureau or Five Score, Divided By For sounds more like something he could pick apart better, after he's done with Past Sins.

49201 No.249196

>Without spoiling anything, Fallout Equestria isn't a bad fic
I suppose it could get better. I was not impressed by the start of it and then consequnently dropped it.
But I don't know. I think anything that there is stuff to comment on is funny to read. I mean-

Spoilers, Glimglam for the rest of Past Sins

Nothing will happen now until Nyx is turned into Nightmare Moon. Now he is at the school day part. I barely remember what happens next. There is some sleepover with the cmc. She gets lost in the everfree. They have a play and then some tug of war thingy happens.
How does anyone make that funny? And really on the giving advice part, there really isn't much to say about things. Either it is well enough executed heartwarming slice of life or it is missed opportunity.
He could almost skip to the part were Nyx is turned into Nightmare Moon since Nyx and Twilight are already daughterfu and momfu in everything but name. Their relationship doesn't develop during their time together so he would literally miss nothing from jumping to that point in the story.
At least, I think, Fallout euqestria is written by some liberal which probably pour a lot of his/her opinions into the story. It would be fun to do something with.
But I guess, you know more about it since you have read it. My point is that I realized that I found this a bit boring myself. Not because Glim is bad but because there isn't much to say about this.
I'm almost tempted into already say what made it popular in the first place even if I haven't read it to completetion yet.
I bet it became popular because it is both edgy and heartwarming/cute. Its ending is "tragic" (Again I don't know if it is or whatever) so it appeals to pretenious people. It was came out early in the fandom and most of the things that got out early in the fandom got cred just because they existed. Black alicorn mary sue oc. And you know the premise is sort of intresting if cliche, "Oh, woe with I am the big and powerful bad guy but I didn't choose this!"

>the Conversion Bureau or Five Score, Divided By For
Yeah, maybe. I don't know.

The thing is that while Glimglam has proven himself many times to be funny on his own in his reviews he cannot work on nothing. Past sins is half nothing.
That was what was so good about the Silver Star story. Because even though I like Nigel as a person and honestly think stories from him would be welcomed, they have so far been destroyed by his own autism. That was what Silver Star really was. Gilmglam did not have to stretch many braincells at times to be witty with what he got because at times Silver Star literally teleported out to fart. The autism got in the way of the story that I think could have been good with some more direction on Nigel's part.

On that note Nigel, I read the begining of your Sunrise Stardust. I don't dislike the premise, it is just that you frontloaded your story with containers worth or lore. It was like Dark Souls's intro cinematic but this time it went on for twenty minutes or something explain things we could have learnt by playing the game.
You are even aware of this as the narrator, Sunrise, comments on it at one point. Yet, you do it.
Your writing style reminds me of Lovcraft tbh. He didn't write out scenes that much either but in his case it didn't distract me as much that his dialogue was one-sided. He is good at describing how the ther party of the conversation reacts to what is being told to them with a very specific language.
Like, I don't know if you still write that way in this Sunrise story, I haven't gotten that far in yet, but basically, I think you can have a voice or style were dialogues are turned into monlogues as long as you give the speaker a distinct voice. That's another problem I have with Sunrise, I hear your voice when I read his. He can still have your opinions but you could make a voice that is more distinct in the mannerisms that it uses.
Wait, how did I end up talking about this? Whatever. Read Shadow of Innsmouth. It is a very good story and you will be able to see why you and he are similar. Honestly, almost all of his mcs are people alike him, which isn't unusual for writers in general, but like even their voices and so the same. They appricated what he appricated and so on.
You are similar.

49201 No.249198

Kek, huge autistic rant.

5d65e No.249217

That right there! That is exactly how fucking awkward and corny and stupid all this "Elaborate Fiction Swearing" sounds. By Thor's Beard sounds alright on its own, "By the ten thousand planes of hell" sounds daft, and "Luna fuck my asshole with her dick-sized clitoris" just fucking sounds stupid.

5d65e No.249226

Conversion Bureau is something this whole site should hate. It's defeatist "Humanity is so ugly and brutish and le pony invaders will show us the light and convert us into what we should have been all along! Life on earth is sad and short and resources are scarce but magic makes resources infinite in Equestria!" dreck.
Even though scarcity canonically exists in Equestria (Applejack needed money for Granny's hip)
and even though a ton of other shit.
Humanity just rolls over and plays dead for Equestria as this Anti-Humanity barrier spreads to "Obliterate humanity on contact for lacking souls you can only grow by becoming part pony. Take the pony potion for 300 more years of life in a happier and kinder world!".
All the countries stop warring to make Conversion Bureaus and only the occasional "Pro-Human Terrorist" ever tries to fight back by blowing up easily-replacable conversion bureaus or random buildings full of people because fuck goals, the writer thinks all terrorists are as omni-hating as muzzies are.
Also there are "Anti-Human Terrorists" who splash crowds with Ponification Potion instead of milkshakes.
The story could have pulled something clever by having different countries develop their own potion variants. Maybe the rich get good potions while the working-class poor get shit ones. Becoming ugly deformed anthros. Or twist it around, the rich become Unicorns who end up useless for knowing less about magic than the average filly and having no redeeming personality features while friendly Earth Pony former-workers happily leave the sweatshops for an honest day farming wheat and ploughing kind trustworthy mares until you find The One.
And what is there to say about (I had to look this up before I remembered I read it once years ago) Five Score Divided by Four?
Oh no, humans are shapeshifting into canon ponies. Why? Because Discord sent them all there 24 years ago as humans because lol why not. It's faggy transformation-fic fetish bullshit on the level of Pokeumans.
The most popular story in the "Five score divided by fourverse" is a story where the dude that was once Cadence goes back home to Shining Armour, who wants to plough himher.
It's super gay and I can't think of anything funny or clever to say about it.
Is it weird that the most popular Verse-Starting Fanfics offer an excuse to write a faggy story where you mentally regress into a child in a happy world where you adopt a random daughteru, or enjoy the lovely new world while taking revenge on this gay earth by writing about it going to shit, or become a happy pony shooting fallout guns in sad world to kill raiders and feel cool, or dress up like some faggy anime character for an unironic playtime in toybox-land, or turn out to have really been a pony all along, or leave behind a gayer earth for a simulated pony fantasy SAO-VRchat world where mares can be anything and you can fuck whoever you want however you want and you're the power-tripping admin of your own private world of warcraft server?
Is it weird that the most popular pony fanfics of all time are so fucking gay?
I saw more creative things get critical acclaim in the Pokemon and Naruto fandoms.

5d65e No.249227

also I hear Conversion Bureau was written by some guy who accidentally made it anti-human, gave up on the story, handed the reins over to a bitchy woman, and she ended up going full retard
I hear she also became a tranny, failed, and quietly regrets trying

55e03 No.249229

>Sorry, should I save this autism for a different thread? I don't want this thread to hit bump limit before you're done with Nyx's story.

We all appreciate your enthusiasm Nigel, but let's please try to keep the autism at least focused on the fic being presently discussed.

5d65e No.249230

I think Nyx was written to take advantage of the brony instinct to protect a little filly.
Plus even before the Alicorning, Twilight was the face of the show and the most popular pony.
This story doesn't feel like a story someone dreamed up and wanted to tell. It feels formulaic and dishonest. Like a product made according to factory specification.

55e03 No.249231

File: 1572637446749-0.png (92.88 KB, 1024x1024, 033.png)

Anyway, I kind of got off on a tangent during my last post, but basically the subchapter ends with Twilight patting Nyx on the head, giving her the usual Equestrian boilerplate advice about the importance of making friends, and shoos her off to class.

Before I read further, I'm going to make a prediction about how this is going to go. Then, I'm going to read further, and see if I'm right. If I am, then all it means is that my first impressions continue to hold, and that this story is continuing to shape up into a by-the-numbers MLP story with absolutely no twists and/or turns worth mentioning. However, if I'm wrong, it means that Peen Stroke still has a bit of creativity somewhere in his bones and may yet pleasantly surprise me. Let's see how it goes.

My prediction for the "Nyx goes to school" story arc:

Nyx doesn't like school because she's scared of everything and feels she doesn't fit in. This is essentially a self-fulfilling prophecy, since her behavior and "outsider" status makes her a prime target for bullying, probably at the hands of Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon since they're usually the go-to for that kind of thing. Cheerilee will like her new student and see that she is bright, but will also be perplexed by her inability to socialize and will ultimately leave her to her own devices to navigate the Machiavellian intrigues of elementary school social life. The rest of the students, though probably not approving of the bullying, will nonetheless shun Nyx as well. At this point, one of the CMC, probably Apple Bloom, will suggest bringing Nyx into the fold since she has nopony else. The other two will be initially reticent to do so because they are as put off by Nyx's indefinable "outsider" aura as all the other students (and Cheerilee as well, though she would probably not admit she thinks this way). However, they will ultimately come to agree and Nyx will befriend them and become a de-facto Crusader. Eventually, Nyx will do something overpowered and Mary Sue-ish, either in self-defense against a bully, or she will be somehow tricked or goaded into it by said bully. This will cause the entire class and Cheerilee to become even more suspicious and hostile to her, to the point that even the CMC shun her. At this point Nyx will become angry at the unfairness of it all, conclude that friendship is actually not magic at all, and then something something anger oh god the edge.

If you've read the story and know whether or not this prediction is accurate, please don't tell me. I want to see if my powers of story prediction are as spot-on as I arrogantly believe them to be.

5d65e No.249233

*trying not to spoil*

55e03 No.249234

>I think Nyx was written to take advantage of the brony instinct to protect a little filly.
This is probably more or less accurate. A lot of anime plays to that instinct as well and I think that's why those kinds of shows tend to be popular. I think it also plays a bit to the brony instinct to be a little filly, since it also has a bit of the "Mommy Twilight" dynamic that the Anonfilly concept has, although frankly I think Anonfilly is a better character.

In all fairness I can probably give this story the benefit of the doubt to some extent because I suspect most of the early-era fandom (2010-2013 or so) consisted of people who were either in high school or had recently finished high school. The kinds of stories that people that age like to read and write, particularly the kind of people who end up in odd subculture niches like the Pony fandom, usually revolve around the same kinds of predictable themes. Teenage and post-teenage authors also tend to come up with painfully formulaic plots that they genuinely believe to be original, and are usually packed to the gills with wish-fulfillment fantasy and projection (I wrote some pretty cringey stuff myself at that age). Considering that this story was written I think circa 2012 and was probably the author's first ambitious project, and if the age of the author at the time was somewhere between 17 and 22 as I suspect, it probably deserves to at least be called a respectable first effort. However, that won't stop me from taking a massive shit on it and making gay jokes about the author at every possible opportunity, because that's just kind of what I do :^)

a9a09 No.249236

As one who very much doesn't want to read the 200,000 word story, could you just clarify something? Does it simply jump from meeting Nyx and nothing is said to bath-time at the castle? Like, no dialogue, no exposition? No "holy-fuck-shit its an alicorn"? Is there even a flashback sequence that goes over why Twilight would go from terrified at the Nightmare Moon eyes to giving filly a bath?

49201 No.249238

>implying it even matters what predictions you make when youcould just have read ahead before making it.
I'm just kidding. I trust you.

49201 No.249239

>I think Anonfilly is a better character.
>Twilight the wine-aunt
You could simultanously read assfaggots annonfilly green. In it, anonfilly is adopted by Twilight against his/her will because Twilight lost her ability to give birth after her trancdence to alicornhood.
That way you could do a comparison between them and see which youthink is the superior story with about the same story. Of course, minus the foal of the story being satan.
It is just a sugguestion.

55e03 No.249242

I wouldn't say that it leaps, but it does a very poor job of building the relationship, and Twilight's instant mother-daughter bond with Nyx doesn't feel genuine. Mostly my complaint about it is that Nyx is treated as just kind of a passive presence and most of the narrative is just Twilight yammering to herself about Nightmare Moon. The superficial plot is that Twilight goes into the woods to look for her bookbag, finds the filly hiding in the bushes, is initially frightened by her resemblance to Nightmare Moon, but sees that she is also a scared and defenseless child and can't just be left alone. All of this makes enough sense, but it starts to get implausible when Twilight decides that she doesn't want to bring the strange filly to the Princess, which would have been the logical course of action. The superficial explanation is that Twilight is afraid the Princess will send the filly to the Moon, which is retarded. It's basically a flimsy excuse that Twilight comes up with because she wants to take care of the filly herself, which we are supposed to believe is because she formed some kind of bond with her. This would make perfect sense if the author had established such a bond between the two characters, but he does a poor job of it imo, and the whole thing is unconvincing.

Really my problem with this so far is not just that the story is formulaic. Plenty of things have been written that follow established formulas to the letter, that can still be enjoyed if they're done well. If the author manages to create characters you care about and make the story emotionally engaging, it doesn't matter if you can see the ending coming a mile away. I played a quickie adventure game last night called Serena that was like this. I had the ending figured out about a quarter of the way through, but it was beautifully written and executed so I still thought it was a fantastic game.

Anyway, I don't blame you for not wanting to slog through all 200,000 words, but if you're curious you can skim what I've covered so far without a huge time investment. The prologue is basically just Snidely Whiplash tying the woman to the train tracks and cackling maniacally until the cavalry shows up, so you can skip it without missing anything too crucial. I'd start at about the third sub-chapter of Ch. 1 and read until the end of the chapter, that should tell you all you need to know about Twilight and Nyx's relationship so far.

49201 No.249243

>I saw more creative things get critical acclaim in the Pokemon and Naruto fandoms.
I have seen better things in other fandoms as well. Well, it depends on where you look. There are good fics on fimfiction. It is just that they are buried under so many "other" fics that it is hard to find them. That's why the system, for example, in fanfiction.net is superior to the one on fimfic cause they don't have a rating system
and there is not feature page either. It is just, "Here are the fics that have been recently updated."

55e03 No.249250

File: 1572650141796-0.png (Spoiler Image, 80.12 KB, 400x381, 5b5ac1522e8066f4fd413a9143….png)

Now that I think about it Anonfilly is probably where my wine-aunt Twilight came from. I used to lurk the AF threads and read some of the greens but haven't in a while, if you've got a link to a post number I'd be curious to have a look at that story.

Before I go any further with this, I would like to say that I just found the fictional bio the author wrote about himself, located here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BMo0-TxMZ-nMp8UNvujS62vPKURjw2-h5ID847okQmQ/edit?hl=en_US . As a result of having read this, I now legitimately want to punch his pony avatar in the face.

Anyway, on with the text.

>Nyx nodded gently as she looked out across the sixteen desks.

How is it possible to be such an autistic fan of something that you actually sit and count the number of desks in the fictional classroom just so you can portray it accurately in your own story, and yet manage to fuck up an obvious detail like calling a Pinkie Promise a Pinkie Pie Promise? This is an incredibly minor and autistic thing for me to notice let alone rage about, and that is exactly why it is going to bug the crap out of me.

>Directly to her right was an earth pony with a grayish-magenta coat and a mane that was a mixture of white and violet. Nyx couldn’t help but notice she was wearing a tiara very similar to the one she had for a cutie mark.

Called it :^)

>Nyx slumped in her seat at the dismissal and rested her head on the desk. She glanced at the other fillies and colts in class, but those who happened to be looking her way quickly turned their heads back to the front when she glanced in their direction.

>Frowning and turning her head towards the front, Nyx watched Cheerilee write on the chalkboard as her mind came to a single, solid, and in her opinion, undeniable conclusion.
>School was not going to be fun at all.
Called it :^)

>School was amazing!

Okay, that one took me by surprise I'll admit.

>So, Cheerilee couldn’t help but smile when she saw a particular black hoof in the air, one she had seen raised several times over the course of the morning.

However, I will make this addendum to my original prediction: the reason she gets bullied is her outsider status, her spergy behavior, and the fact that she's a know-it-all who is too smart for her own good, drives up the grading curve and makes everypony late for recess. Give me an 'M', give me an 'A', give me an 'R'….

>And Cheerilee was off, going a little deeper into her lecture than she had intended. Nyx was happy and was already jotting down fresh notes. Her note-taking, however, was interrupted when something hit the side of her head. Looking down at the floor, she saw it was a piece of paper, and, upon looking up, she saw a number of her classmates were glaring at her coldly.

Called it :^) inb4 the crumpled up paper contains crudely drawn rule 34 of her

>Under the unforgiving glares of her classmates, Nyx could only sink into her desk and whimper a little. She didn't know what she had done wrong. She had just asked a question. She was just curious.

"Oh, these others just don't understand me. I have done nothing wrong and yet they persecute me so! Woe is me, life is so difficult when you are super-awesome and super-intelligent and the natural best at everything! Who in this dreary world can understand my infinite sadness, my infinite pain?"
t. every self-insert mary sue OC ever

>Apple Bloom stood back to wait her turn. She watched Twist swing higher and higher, her own smile growing as Twist reached impressive heights. It wasn’t the highest Apple Bloom had seen somepony reach on the swing, but it was still respectable.

I had almost managed to forget that Twist is an actual character who exists in this universe, and that there is absolutely nothing I nor anyone else can do about it. Thank you for reminding me.

>“So, like, we don’t appreciate nerds like you making us almost miss recess.”

Cue author's obligatory self-insert of his own unhappy school days receiving wedgies from the football team, probably for writing shit like this:
>As to why he has books on his head, the earth pony finds it a more convenient way to carry books when at work, since he lacks magic and doesn’t like wearing saddlebags all day. Though, since he’s gotten so good at it, there are times Pen Stroke will walk around with books on his head for hours, having simply forgotten that they were there.

Anyway, moving on.

>That class is already soooo boring without you asking a bunch of questions. We get enough of that from Twist, don’t we, Diamond Tiara?

>Yes we do, Silver Spoon, but at least Twist is bearable. She also doesn’t have an ugly coat, like yours.
Reminder, purely for the sake of reference, that pic related (spoilered because I love you people) is Twist.

Look, I don't care how shitty the story author's OC is or how late you are to recess because of her obnoxious Mary-Sueing, >implying that somepony's visual design is actually worse than Twist is just crossing a line. That's crossing like ten lines. If I were Nyx I would use my Mary Sue Final Attack™ and vaporize Ponyville right then and there.

Anyway, blah blah blah. This goes about how you would expect it to. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon do their usual schtick where they make fun of Nyx's physical appearance Cue series creator Lauren Faust's obligatory self-insert of her own unhappy school days getting picked on by the rich, popular girls :^). Nyx, predictably, has no idea why these ponies are being so meanie-pants to her when all she wanted to do was learn, and stands there pitifully and just takes it. Cue sad violin music. Cue obligatory blank-flank remarks from DT and SS when they notice that Nyx has no cutie mark. Cue Apple Bloom suddenly showing up to save the day.

49201 No.249251

The start is a bit memey. It seems that he wasn't serious about his story in the begining, which turned into something bigger but I have really enjoyed this one.

55e03 No.249252

File: 1572652012537-0.png (160.96 KB, 320x320, 6237032-starlight_\_she_wa….png)

Anyway, in an uncharacteristic move for her, Apple Bloom physically assaults Diamond Tiara, and comes to the rescue of poor, defenseless wittle Nyx. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon threaten to tell Cheerilee on her, Apple Bloom threatens to tell Cheerilee on them. It's a bit hamfisted, but for the most part it's a pretty accurate play by play of how altercations between children generally go. cue review series author's obligatory self-insert of his own unhappy school days receiving wedgies from the football team :^)

>Apple Bloom nodded her head firmly. “Nyx is cryin’, and Twist is watchin’ the whole thing from over there on the swing.”

I'd just like to take this opportunity to remind everyone that Twist is probably the most self-absorbed cunt in this entire show and is probably just over there playing on the swingset, having completely forgotten about Apple Bloom and Nyx by now, and goddamn it I hate Twist so much, I would unironically write a 30,000 word fanfiction where my overpowered self-insert Mary Sue OC yells at her and tells her why she sucks and then beats the crap out of her and sends her into another dimension reeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

>Apple Bloom, however, just smirked and pointed a hoof behind her, where Twist, while still on the swings, was in fact watching what was going on.

Oh. Never mind.

>Hmph. Fine. You win this round, blank flank. Have fun with your new friend and all of her ticks.” Diamond Tiara sneered before turning away. “Let’s get out of here, Silver Spoon.”

"I'll get you next time, Gadget, NEXT TIME!!!!!!!"

>Silver Spoon stuck her tongue out at Apple Bloom as a final parting shot before she and Diamond Tiara retreated.

Oh, just kiss already, you know you want to.

Anyway, as much fun as I've had tearing this ridiculously cliched scene full of obvious projections from the author a new asshole, I'll admit I actually kind of like the characterization of Apple Bloom acting all tough and scrappy here.

Aaaaand on that note I'm starting get a bit manic and delirious from submerging myself in mediocre pony fanfiction for the better part of a day, so on that note I think I'm going to call it good for the day. The sub-chapter wraps itself up rather neatly with Apple Bloom introducing herself to Nyx, and the two of them becoming de-facto friends as a result of their shared experience in dealing with the predations of Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. I'd say that my predictions for this arc are more or less on track so far. Stay tuned.

55e03 No.249253

Groovy, thank you.

800ae No.249256

That Nyx doesn't know how to act around other children feels like a character flaw to me, rather than a mary-sue trait. Iirc Nyx goes on to show a startling disregard for others numerous more times throughout the fic. It's worth remembering that (spoilers) Nyx is Nightmare Moon, and that Past Sins is a Nightmare Moon redemption arc and as such Nyx can't really be a good person til she's learned her lesson at the end. At least, that's the way I seem to be remembering it from the one time I read it like 7 years ago.

5d65e No.249270

Hey if I make a post and then delete it does the thread still stay bumped to front page?(the magic of friendship)

720b9 No.249331

File: 1572706341536.png (480.14 KB, 2000x1314, NyxLookingAtComputer.png)

Except she never really shows a "startling disregard" for others but rather just goes along with people until she doesn't. Nyx is just wet paper for most of the fic.

It's a pretty good explanation. Also, most large fandoms by definition are going to have a low bar for content because a good number are either mentally children or want to be mentally a child. Just look at DB. Also because of this desire for fantasies a large proportion are trannies or degenerates in general.

Timing is especially important as when a fandom is young it'll latch onto anything that is of reasonable competence. Therefore the content will grab a large proportion of the fandom and even later on the nostalgia element will exist. Late in a fandom it's practically impossible to magically enthrall people the same way simply because the market is so saturated and even a masterpiece will be relatively ignored due to flooding from Pareto's Law. DB can be used again as an example; early on you didn't have to be great, just reasonably good, to get a thousand upvotes. Nowadays there is so much trash circulating that even a beautiful landscape painting will probably get less attention than SFM futa anthro #92485, unless if it's by the handful of artists who already have large dedicated followings.

I've let myself be dragged into only a couple of major fandoms, which are Undertale (kill me please) and MLP after I discovered /mlpol/. Although by all means there's been excellent and beautiful work that was greatly helped along by being in a fandom, the negatives are so large and revolting that I can't help but think fandoms are a cultural disease. I'm so dismayed that I've been going over in my head the metaphysics and social psychology of fanbases. Is it because degenerates join fandoms or is there something about fandoms that turn people into fawning brainless degenerates?

f4e15 No.249336

>Is it because degenerates join fandoms or is there something about fandoms that turn people into fawning brainless degenerates?
I think it's a little bit of both. Like the transference of heat energy until a stable median is reached, so too does a community of people tend towards stability in the behaviour of its members. As a social animal, people are (usually) hardwired to adopt the prevailing attitudes of the larger group, as they do, they may temper the attitudes of the group they're joining. Evidence of this can be seen on 4chan especially. As the site became more mainstream, the attitudes of its users in general became less edgy apart from the obvious outliers.

So for MLP in particular, it tends towards degeneracy and autism because that's what the fanwork sections of the community attract, those who are not may alter their behaviour over time to better match the dominant community attitude as a defence mechanism to avoid ostracisation. A fandom is effectively a microcosm of wider society, so there's something here about demographic shift, too.

5d65e No.249359

Fandoms are mini-religions people make to make their godless lives in a cultureless multikulticulture feel more meaningful.
You're just another disposable unwanted white in the general pozzed American culture. And in the general art culture. But in the Undertale culture, your crappy art of Sans and his Dad posing like a father and son gets upvotes.
The fandom wants to see MORE of a piece of media, while circlejerking over it and gobbling up anything safely similar enough.
If you wanted to be the Biggest Christian, you'd be a good person.
If you wanted to be the Biggest Muslim, you'd blow shit up.
But these corporatist neo-religions don't have an agreed-upon set of morals or virtues. Their only uniting feature is the Product and their adoration for it.
So if you want to look like The Biggest Pokemon Fan, you buy all the merch and wear all the merch and fill your room with merch and defend the faggy laziness of the devs online and get thousands of upvotes for showing off your childish merch-filled room on reddit. You want to look like the biggest lover of a Product and its only "Real" fan, REEEEEEEEEEEing to purge dissent from its ranks.
If the fandom has some semblance of moral beliefs like "Being accepting is good" or "Being kind is good", that's a poor substitution for a proper set of morals but it's something.
Look at Derpibooru. Full of faggoted lefty Glimmerniggers who want the easy acceptance and popularity that comes with being part of this "Accepting" community, desperate to infiltrate and subvert the fandom into being their personal defense squad. Winning pointless "Internet Drama" screaming matches between faggy children is all they care about. Debunk their arguments and they censor you where they can. Piss one off and they'll never stop hating you, years later. When I posted my recent pony art on Derpibooru I had faggots commenting saying "Ugh, it's YOU" and I didn't even recognize who these perpetually-butthurt weaponized crybullies were.
A positive fandom? Is a community that celebrates the greatness of a product and pledges to buy more of it. A positive community tries to appreciate the art as much as possible, analyzing stories and learning all the mechanics of a game or making fanart and fangames or whatever. A positive fandom is creative and fun, because it channels its fanatic energy positively.
A psychotic, out of control, toxic fandom? Is one the lefties have successfully taken over and turned into a popularity contest where those with "Wrong Opinions" get bullied and being useful to the community is the only thing the community considers moral.
The Sonic The Hedgehog community makes fangames that are often better than what Sonic Team shits out these days.
The Steven Universe community bullies children into suicide attempts over SocJus doctrine violations.
The DMC community makes cool combo mad videos as people have fun with this game for thousands of hours and learn all the moves and inputs.
The fighting game community celebrates awesome fighting games, shits on bad ones, and happily teaches newbies how to get good.
The Jojo's community is a circlejerk of repetitive meme-obsessed children, but occasionally people make good fangames in it
The Skyrim and Fallout NV and Fallout 4 communities still put out free mods unquestionably better than what Bethesda is selling at a premium.
The Pokemon Youtuber community makes the Pony Analyst community look comparatively AIDS-free as everyone plays damage control for Game Freak's unquestionably obvious laziness in the new SwSh. Pokemon's been on a downward spiral lately and they've lost my money completely.

5d65e No.249363

For an honest fan of a piece of media, good fan communities provide a place for fans of that media to nerd out openly and honestly about that product.
For a subversive faggot, any fan community is a small and easily-infiltrated group he can game and manipulate until he gets to feel like top dog or the loyal and beloved high-ranking attack dog of a top dog.

720b9 No.249364

>The Sonic The Hedgehog community makes fangames that are often better than what Sonic Team shits out these days.
I'm not sure if you're being selective in presenting what's a good/bad fandom or if you're unironically saying the Sonic community is "positive" but if the latter this is required viewing: www.youtube.com/watch?v=LCWoZEXyGU0

I agree with you on everything else though. I'd want to make a good franchise where interpreted values must necessarily be wholesome.

d3979 No.249365

Okkay. So far the glasses have been explained, and the vest has been explained. Where did the head-band come from? That's a rather glaring oversight considering it appears any time the glasses are present in images

5d65e No.249459

Oh hey, a grown adult making fun of children on the internet for being childish and liking childish things. Never seen that before.
Some kids wrote bad fanfiction and invented bad fancharacters. I don't see anything to get angry over here. It's not like this trash is being held up by the whole fandom as "The greatest story ever" and an example of what all stories should be like.
Still, I admit, sonic fanfics/fancharacters suck. You have to take the good with the bad, I suppose. Or you just take the good and never touch the bad. I don't bother with the fan character/fanfic side of Sonic, I just like the romhacks and fangames.
Speaking of which, go play this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5paaz16Nw20

09367 No.249463

Shutup Nigel, go sperg in your own thread

5d65e No.249515

I was answering someone's question.
Then the topic wandered into sonic fangames I guess.
Anyway go play that game, it's pretty good. It'll calm you down.

55e03 No.249582

File: 1572892669873.png (998.57 KB, 1280x720, S06E01_Starlight_zaniepoko….png)

Next up, we have a scene with Twilight and Applejack.

>It was scary, but I really didn’t have to deal with a lot of other students, being Princess Celestia’s private pupil and all.

Is that how it happened? My memory of the details of a lot of the series is rather fuzzy at times, but I seem to recall Twilight mostly being shown in a classroom with Moondancer and a bunch of other fillies. Though I assume she would have gotten private lessons from Celestia at one point, I don't think it's ever implied that she was intentionally isolated and privately tutored. In fact, as I understand it the whole premise of the show is that Celestia found Twilight to be a promising student, but was concerned that she took her studies too seriously and didn't socialize enough with the other students, so she sent her to Ponyville to make friends. Seems like a relevant detail to me somehow, idk.

>“It was really fun, and I’ve made a new friend,” Apple Bloom said with a smile before motioning to Nyx with her hoof. “Applejack, this is Nyx. Nyx, this is my big sister Applejack.”

Here's something that actually makes the earlier introduction of Nyx to AJ and the remainder of the Mane 6, which I discussed here >>249125 , even more perplexing. Recall that my whole objection was that it seemed like the author hurried through these as if he wasn't interested in writing out scenes for any of it, and that it didn't seem particularly necessary to the plot for Nyx to go around and meet all of these ponies separately.

While it stands to reason that Twilight would have wanted to spread word around town that she had a cousin visiting, it probably wasn't necessary for her to drag Nyx all over Ponyville just so she could meet every single pony she happened to be friends with, especially since she would have presumably met them all later anyway, at the party that Pinkie Pie threw in her honor. This party occurs in between the end of Chapter Two and the beginning of Chapter Three anyway, so even if the author has some reason why Nyx would need to be acquainted with AJ, RD, and FS at this point, she could be presumed to have met them without the circumstances being explicitly laid out. Furthermore, from a narrative standpoint, it feels off just dumping all the introductions into a single paragraph and rushing through them just to get it out of the way, if Nyx and these other characters don't need to have any scenes together for a while. I would have probably just done the scene at Rarity's and the scene with Pinkie Pie, and then left the reader to assume that Nyx would have met the others at the party.

>“You already know my big sister?” Apple Bloom asked in return, reflecting Nyx’s confusion.

>“She should,” Applejack interrupted. “Twilight brought Nyx around the orchards yesterday.”
>“Why would she do that?” Apple Bloom asked, cocking her head to one side.
>“Because Nyx is my cousin, and she’s staying with me at the library while she’s here in Ponyville,” Twilight answered with her simple lie.
See, this is even stupider. Now you're doubling back on yourself to re-explain something you didn't even need to explain in the first place. Also, either I've got the order of events in this story all wrong, or there's a continuity error here, because I feel like it's been at least a couple of days since Twilight introduced Nyx to the others. Has the party at Pinkie Pie's even happened yet? I assumed it had taken place sometime between chapters two and three, but maybe I'm wrong about that.

>I wanted to ask Nyx if she wanted to join the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

Called it :^)

Anyway, from here time jumps forward a bit again, and we rejoin Nyx and frens in school two weeks later.

>Nyx had just asked another question, right before recess, and now Cheerilee was continuing to lecture past class time.

You'd think she'd have learned her lesson by now. The first time was an innocent mistake, but from what happened as a result coupled with the likelihood that Apple Bloom would have explained to her friend why she was getting bullied, you'd think Nyx would rein this shit in a little. I liked books and shit too when I was a kid, but even I would have gotten pissed if some girl kept doing this right before recess every day. Anyway, it looks like this is mainly happening so Peen Stroke has a convenient premise to bring us Nyx vs. Diamond Tiara Part II: Electric Boogaloo.

>She’s been like this since she started class two weeks ago

Okay, so now we know that she has literally been pulling shit like this daily for two whole weeks. Some kids get unfairly targeted or picked on because of their appearance or other things they have no control over, but in this case you'd have to be pretty socially retarded not to pick up on the fact that everyone in class gets annoyed when you consistently make them miss half of their recess just so you can ask some autistic question. DT and SS would probably pick on Nyx either way, but she could at least win over some of the other students by being less of a fucking sperg. Since it sounds like she technically has four friends now, you'd also think at least one of them would have said something to her by now.

Cheerilee is not blameless here, either. It's not just a teacher's job to teach class, she needs to manage the group of children, and part of that means being aware when one student is being targeted by others and performing damage control when possible. She would have to be pretty dense herself not to realize that most of the foals in her class would rather go to recess than sit through an extra ten minutes of lecture, and also to not realize that they would probably target Nyx for consistently creating this problem for them, particularly since she's already got a target on her back for being new. The sensible thing for her to do would be to stop answering Nyx's questions, and tell her to either ask when they all come back from recess, or tell her to ask privately and she'll explain it.

f4e15 No.249624

>Is that how it happened? My memory of the details of a lot of the series is rather fuzzy at times, but I seem to recall Twilight mostly being shown in a classroom with Moondancer and a bunch of other fillies.
This was written way before anything was really known about that period, so consider it headcanon at worst and speculation at best for the time. The first episode did show her interacting with other unicorns that later turned out to be classmates, but they weren't explicitly stated to be that at the time.

>Recall that my whole objection was that it seemed like the author hurried through these as if he wasn't interested in writing out scenes for any of it

I actually remember something of a reason for this, way back in the day, every single piece of fanfiction that involved an OC in Ponyville had the "Introduced to the Mane 6" portion of the story in the beginning. So because of the saturation of scenes like that, it was seen as something of a taboo because it was so common and overdone.

>The sensible thing for her to do

This entire story makes a lot more sense when you understand that everything that happens is supposed to show off Nyx in situations that would be common for the other characters as an attempt to make Nyx blend in with the rest of the cast. Peen Stroke only knew how to do this by co-opting the plot threads of other, pre-existing characters as you see here with the CMC. Ergo, she's written this way specifically to bring her into conflict with DT and SS, not because it would be believable. Story's full of characters drinking Dumb Fuck Juice™ to excuse the introduction of conflict and plot elements.

55e03 No.249695

>This was written way before anything was really known about that period, so consider it headcanon at worst and speculation at best for the time. The first episode did show her interacting with other unicorns that later turned out to be classmates, but they weren't explicitly stated to be that at the time.
Okay. That was part of what I was fuzzy about. I remember certain details being given but I don't always remember at what point they were introduced into the canon.

>I actually remember something of a reason for this, way back in the day, every single piece of fanfiction that involved an OC in Ponyville had the "Introduced to the Mane 6" portion of the story in the beginning. So because of the saturation of scenes like that, it was seen as something of a taboo because it was so common and overdone.

That makes sense I suppose. Though I still stand by my original assertion that he really didn't need to introduce Nyx to these characters at all if he felt it was unnecessary. Having five separate introduction scenes in a row would probably get tedious and I'm sure that's why he didn't do it. However, he's still introducing Nyx to characters that she doesn't need to meet, at least not yet. The sensible thing to do in this case would be to introduce her to Rarity, as that fit into the story, and then to Pinkie, as that also fit. Leave the rest of them alone for when and if they are actually needed. That later scene where she and Apple Bloom bump into AJ could have worked equally well as a place to put an introduction to AJ, for instance.

I guess the point I want writers to take away from this rant is to not include unnecessary, unwanted, and generally not entertaining scenes unless you have some specific reason. If Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash aren't in the story, then there's no need for Nyx to meet them at all. If they don't show up until later, don't mention them until later; or alternatively you can build the rest of the story in a way that it would be logical for the character to have met them by the time they appear. For this story, as of the point where my last post left off, it's been established that Nyx has been living and going to school in Ponyville for two weeks, and that Pinkie Pie has thrown her a welcoming party. Between those two things, it can probably be safely assumed that she has met most of Ponyville's important residents.

What you brought up though brings me to a bigger problem I tend to have with fanfiction in general, which is that authors tend to want to namedrop the entire main cast even if most of those characters aren't important to the story. For instance, if you're writing a Star Trek fic where the author's OC teams up with Kirk and Spock and that's the whole story, you don't really need to write in a scene where OC goes to the bridge and meets Scotty and Ahura and all the rest of them; however, many authors do precisely that.

>This entire story makes a lot more sense when you understand that everything that happens is supposed to show off Nyx in situations that would be common for the other characters as an attempt to make Nyx blend in with the rest of the cast. Peen Stroke only knew how to do this by co-opting the plot threads of other, pre-existing characters as you see here with the CMC. Ergo, she's written this way specifically to bring her into conflict with DT and SS, not because it would be believable. Story's full of characters drinking Dumb Fuck Juice™ to excuse the introduction of conflict and plot elements.

Yeah, this is unfortunately about what I assumed was happening.

64c57 No.249698

This is off-topic but do you watch EZ PZ? He's a long-nose who nonetheless makes fun of that attribute and has very un-PC humor in general. He's described himself as essentially a rip-off of E;R as he critiques Western animation shows in general. Might be a channel you'd enjoy.

My secret plan is to make you lazy and unproductive watching Youtube videos all day so you can't criticize any future fanfics I write

5d65e No.249699

You know what's stupid about those "My OC meets the mane six" fics?
The Mane Six are very different ponies. One might like your OC, another might dislike him, another might find him boring, he might find another boring, etc..
But I only ever see "My OC becomes friends with the whole set" or "My OC becomes friends with the ones I like, everyone else is a background character or enemy"
Your character would only be able to befriend everyone at once if he was the type to act differently around different ponies. Brasher around RD, quieter when with Fluttershy, cheerier with Pinkie, smarter around Twilight, etc.
And you know what'd be interesting then? Twilight noticing and walking up to this shapeshifter at poe's masquerade and asking him, "Who is the real you?".
Same goes with Canon Casts in other shows, too. Seeing a new character and the new life it can breathe into a show and the fresh new adventures/interactions/stories that can happen with the character being involved, that's interesting. But so many OC writers just want to write "My OC goes to the ___ show and is loved by all characters I care about.
And so many OC fic readers want to read something that tickles their "Faggot loved in fictionland" fetish or they call it trash.

e1eb3 No.249767

I thought he was a lefty mediocre faggot.
>He's described himself as essentially a rip-off of E;R
Lol, I am similar to E;R. Dream on faggot.

To be honest, he is shit and nothing new or special. Just look at his black panther review. Like do I really need to break it down why it sucks?
Just get better reviews to watch dude.

e1eb3 No.249769

In general, don't waste time on the enemy - focus on yourself. Write that fucking story that you have had on your mind or make your own reviewing channel. Create something instead of consuming garbage. You don't have time to waste on all their shit. Choose your battles and again don't waste your time.

I mean like what does he do in the black panther review. Well, the first thing he does is call other yt:ers for nitpickers and basically delegitimize them; then he follows that with spending the rest of the video on nitpicking the movie. Because who decides what and what isn't nitpicking and so on.
This is nothing new for yt:ers. Most of them are shit. E;R is an exception.
This but also not this. Agreed but
>"My OC becomes friends with the whole set"
Twi and RD are firends. Most of these chracters are easy to befriend if you remember how quickly Twilight became friends wih them with the exception of Fluttershy who cared soley for Spike.
But in general, I agree that at least it might take more time with some or maybe they would just remain acquaintances since they feel that they connect that deeply and want to spend their time on other things.

Like, Fluttershy truly is the one that is the hardest to see spend time with oc since she has even shy in her name.

But I think the thing you and I dislike the most about these types of scenes is that they feel so artificial. Like it is always that human-oc-mc meets all of the mane six after one another ina sequence and so on.
It isn't like oc meets Fluttershy in the woods. She takes care of him because he is hurt and she thinks he is an animal. Later he meets Twi because the medical care he needed requires magic and from there we either meet the rest of the mane six in an organic way or we are off to adventure with Twi and Flutters to seek out medicine for Anon.

But then again this is fanfiction. We shouldn't expect it to be good since its is written by newbie authors. But then again again, some of these people have patreons for their writing and works like Past Sins are seen as high art by some.

But I guess that is just a big fish in a small pond syndrome. Now that I think about it, I don't really care. I usually don't write those kinds of stories anyway. But I suppose it disturbs us fanfiction readers because we actually have to skim through them in our search for the good stuff.

fa382 No.249783

File: 1573053233426.png (2.59 MB, 1920x1080, TwilightThinkingReadingByF….png)

I've recently watched some of his other videos but not his Black Panther review so to find out whether your complaints are legitimate I went through the whole video the night before a mid-term. Here's a summary of it:

>call other yt'ers nitpickers

His complaint was that they were going after only technicalities CinemaSins-style rather than deeper flaws, making the movie seem better than it actually is. Also, these yt'ers were the "OMG SJWs" cuck trash that are the nu version of conservative editorial columns, and they didn't even bother to make BP look "awful." His complaint was the same for Ghostbusters as the "nitpickers" didn't put their money where their mouth was and didn't dismantle that garbage fire.

He gets through the nitpicking (openly acknowledging he was, in fact, nitpicking) and talks about major problems with the plot. Then he dabs on Afrofuturism like it deserves and goes into why Black Panther is a ridiculous power fantasy that perpetuates this problem. Going into the underlying theme/message of the movie to me is the opposite of nitpicking, but then again I'm not a movie critic. He also goes into the history of Black Panther in comic books and explains how it was a hilariously racist stereotype-reversal that is quite unlike what modern audiences expect. Then there's the subliminal plot point that any black society, even a technologically advanced one would be extremely stratified and despotic and would still have "tribal" practices. We have severe problems like the excessive film that had to be cut for time at the expense of quality. Other issues: lack of proper use of Chekhov's Gun, bad humor, more racial digs (white people amirite?), the ol' villain-switcharoo trick, falsehoods regarding crime statistics, teenager-level decision-making, bad pacing, the best actor/character is literally Ape-Man, the idiocy of the plot structure, the Superman Problem except even worse, and Black Panther being a paragon of all black folk hamstringing any character development. Most hilariously, the main villain is actually correct from a legal perspective.

Lastly EZ PZ goes into the message within the context of the movie and clearly explains the position of traditionalism/isolationism vs. open-borders, and how contradictory the plot is. Black Twitter unironically supports a white holocaust like Killmonger wanted and thinks the movie writers are a bunch of cucks. The movie explains how beneficial isolationism was yet tries to justify how it's bad. The openness it has had has only been a massive negative though the writers try to lampshade it. None of the issues within the movie would have occurred if Wakanda had been actually isolationist. The Killmonger problem would, as previously noted would have been solved immediately. Isolationism and traditionalism would have solved everything. EZ PZ concludes with his overall impressions and provides a hypothetical repair of the movie.

I may be biased as I've liked his other videos, but I can't tell if you're being disingenuous or watched only five minutes. There are justifiable reasons to dislike EZ PZ (he is Jewish, after all) but at least put some integrity into your criticism. In any case the recommendation was for Brit and I decided to respond to prevent you from poisoning the well. Expecting him to be as good as E;R is an unreasonably high bar but he nonetheless comes fairly close and is handy to have around given E;R uploads once a blue moon.

Also, that aside was a joke. I'm not interested in reviewing things myself because I am far better at talking about abstract concepts than being a film critic. Today I brainstormed quite a few ideas for videos if I ever do make a philosophy channel.

>But I suppose it disturbs us fanfiction readers because we actually have to skim through them in our search for the good stuff.

This. Once you become more experienced/jaded you can pick out what's good and actually creative and know what are red flags to look out for. Goes for any avocation.

e1eb3 No.249786

The thing is that he starts his video off with saying that everyone elses just nitpicks the movie and arrogantly puts himself on a pedastal. Then he as you say
>He gets through the nitpicking (openly acknowledging he was, in fact, nitpicking)

What kind of introduction is that?

>watched only five minutes

Yes, you are completely right but why would I stay after such a shit introduction? Should I feel bad because I don't expect someone to make it worth my time? No, I won't do that.

>but I can't tell if you're being disingenuous

I guess I was a bit disingenous since I said that he just nitpicks through the rest of the video. I genuniely believe it to be the case at the time but honestly more than that I just didn't care.

He was disingenous in the first place when he claimed that other yt:ers only nitpicked the movie. This is not true. I can garantee it. The "furry avatar" is probably rags or wolf. Mauler did a video on it aswell.
I am no fan of efap and that circlejerk but I know they are good enough not to just nitpick movies.

I have seen enough twats on the internet declaring themselves the best and then not deliver more than average. I could literally do that nitpicking myself in my sleep.

But you know, you seem like a genuine fellow
>these yt'ers were the "OMG SJWs" cuck trash that are the nu version of conservative editorial columns
So I will give him the benefit of a doubt and watch the whole Black panther vid. Not now though later.

e1eb3 No.249788

>I may have come off too strong. Let's start over.

5d65e No.249795

Time to reveal a secret.
In the first draft of my Silver Star Story, Silver was a Dragon raised by apple pony farmers in the old west.
So he's a cold-blooded lizard who struggles to understand things like friendship and ponies and kindness, but still likes them.
And instead of magic he just has the grabby momentum-control bracelets.
Comically angry faggots convinced me to change this "bullshit superman ripoff, fuck you, dragons are supposed to be rare and you're ripping off Spike only badly, hiss grr your character isn't ordinary enough you fucking tall poppy" character into a Unicorn.
And I've been trying to work the story I wanted to tell, about a cold being warmed by friendship, into this character ever since.

55e03 No.249838

>This is off-topic but do you watch EZ PZ?
I really know almost nothing about YouTube or YouTubers. I remember watching a few videos by Sargoy and a couple of other "skeptic" channels that were popular around 2015, but I got bored with that stuff almost immediately. Anymore I feel like time spent watching crap on YouTube is time I could be spending reading books or creating something. Mostly I just use it to listen to music or watch things that anons link to though I admit I went through a bit of a YouTube Poop phase back when that was a thing, and it still amuses me sometimes. I'll check it out though.

>You know what's stupid about those "My OC meets the mane six" fics?
The ebin 30,000 word fight scenes? :^)

In all seriousness though I think you make a good observation here. I was at a con a couple of years ago and attended a panel on fanfiction as transformative art. I unfortunately don't remember the name of the guy running the panel, some Asian guy who might be very well-known in the fandom for all I know. But in any case he was very interesting to listen to. He basically gave a quick rundown on literature and comics where significant works have been created using previously existing universes or characters, or derived from things like legends and mythology. He then went on to lament that a lot of fanfiction tends to be fairly empty wish-fulfillment type stuff; an author writes a story because he wants to live out some fantasy about frolicking in the fictional universe with the characters there, etc. He encouraged authors to start approaching fanfiction as literature and trying to create transformative works of actual literary value using the worlds and characters of the fictional universe. I'm doing a poor job of summing it up, but it was one of the most interesting panels I've ever sat through.

That's why I always try to criticize autismo pony fanfiction written by teenagers the same way I would criticize any attempt at a serious work, even if it's completely absurd to apply that kind of standard to it. I think when writing anything an author should give at least a little thought beforehand to what he wants to write about and what message he ultimately wants to convey. If it's just a story about the author's self-insert OC being awesome and saving the day while getting his dick fluffed by the characters the author is sexually attracted to, :^) or just beating up the characters the author doesn't like, :^) then he's not really producing anything of any substantive literary or even entertainment value.

The challenge to writing anything is usually detaching your own ego and having your characters behave appropriately. If you're working with preexisting characters you have to take their canon personalities into account. If you put an OC in the story the OC needs to be a part of the world like any other character. As you said, it doesn't make sense for Anon to just automatically make friends with all six of the main ponies just because they're the main cast and he's the guest star. It's unlikely Anon would just instantly bond with every single pony; better to pick one character and have them form a bond, and if you want to make it really interesting, put Anon in conflict with a different character. Or exploit existing character relationships in the canon world to create a new dynamic. Maybe Anon arrives in Equestria, and makes frens with Twilight and Trixie separately, but he gets them together and finds out they hate each other, and now they both hate him. Now he's got a complicated situation to navigate, and the story is interesting.

>But I think the thing you and I dislike the most about these types of scenes is that they feel so artificial. Like it is always that human-oc-mc meets all of the mane six after one another ina sequence and so on.
This, these sorts of stories tend to be very shoddily constructed and are usually obvious wish-fulfillment. Anon travels to Equestria somehow and makes friends with the mane 6 because the author wishes he could do that in real life, but since he can't the next best thing is to write the fantasy down. A better approach is to take that desire to travel there, use it to flesh out the characters and the world in detail, and then construct a believable and engaging story that takes place there. At the end of the day if you still want to do an "Anon travels to Equestria and meets the ponies" story there's nothing wrong with it, but you have to make Anon and the ponies seem like real entities, and have their interactions and relationships seem real.

As I said, the hardest part for a writer is detaching the ego. If you're going to self-insert in a story, you have to be able to separate yourself from yourself, and treat your self-insert as you would any other character. He needs personality, motivations, strengths, weaknesses, etc. Some characters he'd mesh with, others he wouldn't. You can't just assume your waifu would like you just because she's your waifu, you have to think critically and decide if your personalities would genuinely click. If they don't click, it can actually make a romantic pursuit story more interesting, incidentally.

On a random aside, I kind of like those "Doing hurtful things to your waifu" charts for a similar reason. I think taking a character you not only like but love, and exploring how she would behave if you were just suddenly mean to her for no reason, is a good creative exercise. You could take the same concept and apply it to self-insert fiction: write a "doing hurtful things to yourself" scenario. Write a scene where your self-insert declares his love to your waifu, and instead of reciprocating she tells him all the reasons she hates his guts and wouldn't even consider dating him. Try to get him genuinely pissed off and make him react. It sounds like masochism but seriously, it's fun.

55e03 No.249839

>But then again this is fanfiction. We shouldn't expect it to be good since its is written by newbie authors.
No. Stop thinking this way. I usually try to take the author's age and experience level into account, but being young and inexperienced doesn't mean you get a pass for writing something stupid. Most of the time a first work written by a young author is going to be full of cliches, angsty to the point of unintentional self-parody, and generally self-aggrandizing and awful, even if it's mechanically well written. It's not that you should just shit on someone for producing a bad work because it's funny (though sometimes it is), but they need to be told why their work was bad, and how they can do it better the next time around. If you just pat them on the head and tell them it's great to make them feel better, they won't improve.

If we want to build a civilization that produces Homers and Shakespeares and Fitzgeralds again, we need to be willing to tell the Pen Strokes of the world that actually no, faggot, your 200,000 word brony epic is not as fantastic as your personal circlejerk has assured you that it is.

>In the first draft of my Silver Star Story, Silver was a Dragon raised by apple pony farmers in the old west.
You were probably wise to revise this.

But in all seriousness, just keep at it. Your idea does have actual potential, you just need to work on characterization and character interaction, and dial back some most of the autism. I'm still willing to read future drafts.

5d65e No.249849

I wrote a worldbuilding scene intended to flesh out the world into chapter 1, but it's dragging on for too long.
>plan: scene where Silver "Transforms into his true form" to scare a Griffon assassin sent after him, except it's an illusion spell and the real Silver knocks the stunned foe out.
>result: 6k words of shit I should trim down before the meeting is allowed to end
My Chapter 1 of the Silver Rewrite is at 22k words now.

f4e15 No.249856

>Silver "Transforms into his true form" to scare a Griffon assassin sent after him, except it's an illusion spell and the real Silver knocks the stunned foe out.
I'm beginning to think you're literally a Chuunibyou and that you just channel it through fanfiction rather than in real life as actual Chuuni would.

5d65e No.249882

How many years has it been since I last heard that term?
I once made a Naruto fanfiction to poke fun at that character type. He's a good Ninja with a load of tricky bullshit, but everyone besides his only two friends considers him an annoying cunt.

49e9b No.249883

Funny thing about that, it has nothing to do with the thread which is about GlimGlam entertainingly shitting on a shitty fic.
Maybe you should start your own thread about your own shitty fics? Oh wait, you've already done that and no one cared.

5d65e No.249887

>1 post by this ID
I get that we're all just trying to pass the time until Glimglam's done reviewing more of the fic but have you considered getting a hobby?

49e9b No.249888

55e03 No.249909

File: 1573173814958.png (67.03 KB, 720x1184, 1573153273250.png)

>Like, everypony else has to hate her as much as we do. Her only friends are those three blank flanks and that other nerd, Twist. Somepony needs to teach her a lesson about being so… nerdy.
Here, we have the author projecting so hard that his soul was no doubt physically ejected from his body, and from there traveled to Equestria, was called a faggot by his waifu, and returned two weeks later to his body so that he could write the rest of this scene, clearly having learned absolutely nothing from the experience.

>“Bump! Bump! Sugar-lump, rump!” the pair said in unison, doing their strange, special hoofshake before they laughed and strolled off to set their plan in motion.

I'm a little surprised to learn that they still do that when nopony is watching them. Actually, scratch that; this is probably in character for both of them. Carry on.

Anyway, it sounds like Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon are planning to take Nyx out to the Everfree Forest, rape her, kill her, toss her in a ditch, and then blame the town simpleton when eventually the body is discovered. Or, maybe, they're just going to play some childish prank on her that will no doubt go terribly wrong and result in Nyx doing something overpowered and Mary Sue-ish. Either way, let's watch.

DT and SS show up at Twilight's house. Twilight, being as charmingly clueless as ever, assumes the two of them are friends of Nyx, and sends her off to play with them, oblivious to both Nyx's cowardly babbling about how she doesn't want to go, and the sadistic >rape gazes on the faces of the two young ponies.

>“We know, and we feel really bad, but, like, we got to make sure the new ponies in town are cool,” Silver Spoon said, as if judging a pony’s coolness was their job.

Actually, I'm pretty sure that is their job.

>“And am I a cool pony?” Nyx asked anxiously.

We'll let history be the judge of that.

Anyway, this goes fairly predictably. Nyx goes to Sugar Cube Corner with DT and SS, they pretend to be nice to her, convince her to go into the Everfree even though Twilight told her not to, she goes, DT and SS stay behind and snicker about how she is probably going to be raped and killed by the town simpleton. Scene is reasonably well written, no major complaints. The conversation maybe goes on a little too long and DT/SS maybe lay on the fake niceness a little too thick. Beyond that though, the dialog remains mostly accurate and believable for these characters. Once again, this story is hitting all the right things in all the right places at precisely the right times, leaving absolutely no curiosity on the reader's part about what is going to happen next.

>Twilight trotted through the streets of Ponyville as she anxiously looked around. She hadn’t seen Nyx in two hours and was starting to worry.

Check the morgue. lol jk her body is probably still in the woods

>“Twilight, those two are bullies! Don’t you remember how they made fun of me and called me a blank flank at Diamond Tiara’s Cute-ceañera?”

>Her eyes grew wide, the memory of that day causing her to stagger.
That reaction is probably overkill. Remembering that the apple you just ate was poisoned, or the repairman you just let in is really a serial killer; those kinds of memories are staggering. Twilight is understandably concerned about Nyx and probably feels guilty that she might have inadvertently put her in some danger, but the actual danger is pretty mild. As far as she knows this is all still relatively harmless schoolyard stuff.

>She hadn’t recognized them without their party dresses on, and she hadn’t spoken or really seen that much of them in a year at least.

This feels a little bit like the author offering a rather flimsy and unnecessary excuse for why she didn't recognize them. The party dress thing I'd get rid of, as it's pretty weird for her to remember a detail like that but not the ponies themselves. Really, I'd get rid of the whole explanation as it's awkward and unnecessary. Twilight is only incidentally connected to the CMC because two of them are the younger sisters of her friends, and she has no connection to DT/SS at all. She does not have a younger sister or any foals of her own go get me another box of wine Spike I'm almost out so until now she would have had no reason to pay much attention to the school fillies in Ponyville or how their social structure works. The incident at the cuteceñera party would have been memorable for Apple Bloom but would probably have been long forgotten by Twilight. There's really no reason she should have recognized DT/SS as bullies or seen their arrival as anything to be worried about. She might have noticed Nyx's reaction if she had been paying more attention, but she wasn't and so she didn't. It was a perfectly innocent mistake.

>“I know where Silver Spoon lives,” Sweetie Belle claimed. “Rarity does a lot of business with her father, and sometimes when I go with her, I see Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon doing their homework at Silver Spoon’s house.”

>Applejack nodded and began to lock up her apple cart. “Alright then. Sweetie Belle, you show Twilight where Silver Spoon lives and see if they’re there. Applebloom, Scootaloo, y’all can come with me and we’ll go see if they’re over at Filthy Rich’s store.”
This is probably as good a course of action as any for them to pursue seeing as how they wouldn't have any real idea where the three of them might have gone. However, I feel as if it stands to reason that if DT/SS were planning something mean, they wouldn't take Nyx back to either of their houses to do it, so it seems like kind of a wasted effort to go there. Also, Twilight knows that they had used going to Sugar Cube Corner as an excuse to get Nyx to come along with them, so that would be the logical place to start searching.

5d65e No.249921

That is one cursed image.

55e03 No.249924

File: 1573188517797.png (208.63 KB, 650x400, NoseBoopsbyScarletSpectrum….png)

>Twilight and the three fillies nodded their heads, and soon the quintet of ponies had raced off in hopes of finding Nyx safe and sound.
Again, I feel like this whole reaction is a bit overkill. Twilight fucked up, feels batman, wants to go find Nyx and make it right; her actions make sense. Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle are friends of Nyx, so they want to help find her; their actions make sense. However, Applejack isn't really involved, and the situation isn't troubling enough that she would really need to close up her apple cart for the day just to help them look.

So far, all we know is that Nyx was tricked into going off with some kids who have a history of bullying her, and Twilight let it happen because she didn't know any better. Sad, but not tragic or life threatening. They didn't go off to explore an abandoned mineshaft or ride the rails to Canterlot or go down to Pinkie Pie's basement. If it was known at this point that DT/SS had sent her into the Everfree Forest it would be cause for more alarm, but so far nopony has any reason to believe that Nyx is in any serious danger. What would make the most sense is for Twilight to go off looking for Nyx, and for the CMC to come with her out of concern for their friend. AJ, meanwhile, would just wish them luck and continue selling apples, because it's not that serious a problem and she doesn't really have a dog in the fight here.

>Just in front of her, a giant purple sea serpent was splashing around in the water. The purple sea serpent, who oddly had well-styled orange hair, was in the process of eating some rough gemstones he had gathered from the river bed.

Did the serpent with Rarity's tail for a mustache really need to make a cameo appearance? I think most of us would have rather forgotten he was ever in the series to begin with. Also, this scene tries to end on a cliffhanger with Nyx hiding from the serpent as if he's dangerous. However, readers familiar with the series would already know that he's not dangerous. Second, even if the reader has never seen MLP before and wouldn't know the character, he's not really being presented as a threat here. Nyx is afraid of him and hides, but he's really not doing anything threatening. He's described as splashing around in the water and eating gemstones. Other than the fact that he's a giant serpent I guess, there's really no reason for us or Nyx to be afraid of him. The scene is written as if the reader is supposed to feel tension, and yet there's no actual tension. It's odd.

>Nyx wasn’t certain the serpent wouldn’t turn down his gemstones to eat a little pony, so she decided to stay hidden and wait until he left.

Furthermore, by deciding to wait and stay hidden until he leaves, she has basically found a solution to the problem, which means the scene ends on a cliffhanger without leaving anything hanging. Again, the scene is written like it's supposed to be tense and exciting, but it isn't. Nyx is walking along the river, and suddenly she sees a big scary monster. Oh no, what will she do? Then the author cuts to another scene, and the reader is left hanging. Except in this case A) the monster isn't that scary, and B) the reader isn't actually left hanging. Instead of building tension or presenting a threat, the reader is simply informed that Nyx was walking and she saw something she's not sure about, so she decides to hide and wait until it leaves. Why do we need to know this exactly?

>Twilight and Sweetie Belle were unable to find anypony at Silver Spoon’s house, and Applejack, Apple Bloom, and Scootaloo were just as unsuccessful. Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon, and Nyx were simply nowhere to be found, and Twilight was officially starting to panic.

They've checked two places so far, neither of which were particularly likely places for them to have gone in the first place, and concluded that they were "simply nowhere to be found." While it's basically in character for Twilight to start freaking out a little early, I feel like Applejack at least would have more sense than this. Has anypony thought to check out Sugar Cube Corner yet? Or maybe just ask around town to see if the fillies were seen going anywhere?

>The search quickly expanded. Applejack and Apple Bloom asked ponies around the market if they had seen the trio of fillies.

Okay, there we go.

Anyway, I still feel like this premise is a bit shaky. On the one hand, I get it. Three fillies go missing, Twilight and co. try to find them, can't find them, everyone gradually starts to panic. This is basically the right way to build this. But I think the problem is that the setup for all of this is pretty flawed. We know that Nyx is in the Everfree forest and is probably in some sort of danger, but Twilight and the others don't. They only know she's missing. Meanwhile, DT/SS are not technically missing because we know they never left Ponyville, and yet we have no idea where they are currently. Nyx basically just went off into the woods by herself because DT and SS told her to, which to begin with doesn't make a ton of sense. Meanwhile we have no idea where DT and SS are because we haven't seen them since Sugar Cube Corner, which I would once again like to emphasize, is literally where they told Twilight they were going yet somehow it hasn't occurred to any of these numbskulls to go look for them there. If they're still hanging around Ponyville and there's an entire squadron of ponies searching for them, seems to me somepony would have found those two by now and the mystery would be on its way to being unraveled.

But let's just see what happens next I guess.

f4e15 No.249926

>The scene is written as if the reader is supposed to feel tension, and yet there's no actual tension. It's odd.
Nyx's fear is supposed to be endearing the same way her getting bullied is supposed to be endearing. Do you pity her yet? Do you? Huh? Huhhh???

55e03 No.249927

File: 1573192874902.png (584.92 KB, 1024x1046, couple_by_scarlet_spectrum….png)

>Looking skyward, Twilight saw Rainbow Dash circling above her. “I’ve found them! This way!”
>“I’m right behind you!” Twilight shouted to Rainbow Dash before calling on her magic. With a flash and a pop, she used her teleportation spell to move to a nearby roof. She kept teleporting between rooftops, following Rainbow Dash until they arrived at the edge of a park. “Where are they?”
This is honestly just getting stupid. So basically, we now have Twilight, the CMC, AJ, Rarity and Rainbow Dash looking for Nyx, Diamond Tiara, and Silver Spoon. They have searched everywhere except the first place that it would have made logical sense for them to look. Had they gone to Sugar Cube Corner, Pinkie, Mrs. Cake, or whoever the fuck was working the counter at the time and would have served the three of them could have at least given them some basic information. Were they here, what were they doing, what direction did they go afterward, etc. This would at least have given them a logical base from which to begin the search. Instead, Twilight, AJ and the CMC split up and go to DT and SS's houses respectively, discover that they aren't there, panic, run around aimlessly for a while, then recruit the rest of their friends in an increasingly panicked and disorganized romp around Ponyville.

Meanwhile, DT and SS can be presumed by the reader to be hanging around Ponyville somewhere, and yet we have no idea where they are or why nobody has seen them yet. Nyx, whose location is known to the reader but not to the ponies who are looking for her, is apparently hiding in the bushes waiting for that faggot-ass sea serpent to clean the cum out of his mustache and go someplace else. The whole situation is both implausible and overly complicated. The intended excitement just falls flat because there are just too many threads here and none of them are connected properly.

Eventually, Rainbow Dash, who can fly, spots DT/SS sitting around in the park.

>you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

As an aside, I initially read this as "you catch more fillies with honey than with vinegar."

>Diamond Tiara glanced over at Twilight Sparkle like she was regarding an ant before she turned back to Silver Spoon and began to speak as if Twilight wasn’t there. “Oh look, Silver Spoon, it’s the town librarian. What, trying to find ponies that have overdue books?”

This is technically in character, but I feel like at this point, Diamond Tiara is just being made to appear overly cunty and cruel. Also, you have to take the situation into account. DT and SS obviously don't care about Nyx or the fact that she's in danger, however one can presume they care about themselves. They know they did something they could get into trouble for, and it stands to reason they would want to tread carefully. They may not hold Twilight in high regard, but she is still an adult, who can very easily bust them and get them in trouble with their parents. Furthermore, she knows that Nyx was with them, and that they probably know where she is. It's unlikely Diamond Tiara would be this cavalier and condescending to Twilight; she would be a lot more defensive and on edge, or maybe trying to play innocent. The two of them might also have made up a story beforehand that would make it look like Nyx ran off on her own. Either way, right now they have an incentive to either kiss Twilight's ass or else play dumb with her. Insulting her is only going to piss her off and make her ask more questions.

>I was wondering if you two know where Nyx is. The last I saw her, she was going with you two to Sugarcube Corner, and I haven’t seen her in a few hours.

You literally just acknowledged that you knew where they went the whole time. Why did you have to recruit seven ponies and tear apart the town looking for them when you could have just gone there first and fucking asked?

>“Sounds like a real nerd to me,” Diamond Tiara commented, “and we never hang out with ugly nerds, do we, Silver Spoon?”

Again, two problems here. One, she's being far more of a sadistic cunt than I feel her character actually is. Two, she's deliberately antagonizing Twilight instead of doing what a normal child would do in this situation, which is to either deny everything, feign concern, or both. She's basically attempting to bully Twilight the same way she bullies Nyx, which would indicate that she is both exceptionally cruel and also that she has no fear of adults or authority figures. This is like actual sociopath behavior right here.

Running out of space, I will continue these thoughts in another post.

55e03 No.249930

File: 1573197734494.png (352.84 KB, 600x734, starlight_glimmer_by_riouk….png)

Anyway, instead of one or both of the fillies having a crisis of conscience and coming clean, which at least would have created a path to redemption for them, Twilight simply extracts a confession through brute force, using some kind of rage spell or something, idk I've already forgotten what she did exactly. The better thing for the author to have done in this situation would be to have one of them, in this case probably Silver Spoon, start feeling guilty once they begin to realize that their prank went a little overboard and Nyx might be in actual danger. She would confess, Twilight would be angry and demand that the two of them help look for Nyx. Thus, the two would have the ability to redeem themselves and atone for what they did by helping to make it right.

Personally, I'd have gone a step further and not have separated DT/SS and Nyx in the first place. For one thing it doesn't make much sense for them to just tell her to go into the woods and then forget about her. If they're just being mean to her for their own amusement, there's not much satisfaction in telling her to do something and then just leaving her alone and assuming she does it. If you don't see the results of a prank there's no point to a prank. For all either of them knew, Nyx decided not to go into the forest at all and just went back to Twilight's after she left Sugar Cube Corner. In that case all DT/SS would have accomplished would be to take her out for sweets and be publicly seen hanging out with her. Kind of a lackluster and self-defeating prank; sort of like Cartman trying to make Butters look gay by sucking his dick.

It would have made far more sense for all three to have gone to the forest. Once inside, DT/SS could detach themselves from Nyx and then either ditch her and go home, or else try to play pranks on her and scare her. You could add another interesting dynamic to the arc by having DT/SS unintentionally end up lost in the woods themselves. They could either be saved by Twilight and co. along with Nyx, or even end up in a situation where Nyx ends up saving them. Either way, they get a comeuppance and learn a lesson.

However, it's no surprise that the author chose not to do any of these things. Instead, he simply has Twilight scare a confession out of DT/SS, then she simply turns on them and leaves, since their role in the story was basically to just get Nyx into the woods so she can do whatever he wants her to do in there. Why treat any of your other characters as dynamic when the whole story just revolves around your OC?

>Twilight’s rage-shift ended.

Well, hopefully the night guy will be on time so she can leave.

>Nyx trembled, just barely keeping herself moving without crying. The growing darkness had made the forest very, very scary. She looked around the path anxiously, watching the many long shadows that surrounded her and seeing things that may or may not have been there. Still, Nyx counted it a small miracle that she could see at all. The moon was three-quarters full, providing just enough light to see the path ahead.

So basically, that whole bit with the semen serpent served no purpose to the story at all. Nyx can be presumed to have waited for him to leave just as she said she would, and then eventually he left, and then she went on to get lost in the woods. Fabulous stuff.

>Nyx had given up on trying to find the nice part of the forest. Now all she wanted to do was get back to Ponyville, but she had lost her map. A rustling in the bushes had startled her earlier, and when she ran, she had left the map behind. Now she was wandering around aimlessly, hoping to recognize some landmark.

I would just like to once again emphasize that this is quite possibly the dumbest premise in the story so far. Basically, Nyx gets tormented by these two ponies for like two weeks, then all of a sudden they show up acting like they want to be friends. She takes everything they say at face value and accepts their friendship. Then, they tell her to go off into the woods by herself and she does. She gets hopelessly lost, and on top of everything loses her map. Meanwhile, Twilight is back in Ponyville looking for her but failing miserably at it because it never occurs to her to check the one place where she knows for a fact that she went. Also meanwhile, DT and SS just sit around the park lezzing out with each other until Twilight shows up, because the author can't think of anything better for them to do, and it apparently never occurs to him to treat them as dynamic characters or at least as villains who serve more of a purpose than to simply get Nyx lost in the woods.

The whole thing is just badly executed and the way the events play out makes very little sense. It even fails to accomplish its sole objective, which is to make the reader feel sympathy for the author's OC. Nyx going off into the woods by herself just because two bullies pretended to be nice to her for like ten minutes, and then losing her fucking map and getting lost in there at night to boot, doesn't make her sympathetic. It just makes her look like a gullible retard. DT and SS have no motivation for doing what they do other than to be mean, and they neither receive appropriate punishment for their actions, nor do they learn anything or ever feel any remorse. They serve no purpose in the story other than to get Nyx lost in the woods so the reader can feel sorry for her for being lost in the woods. It's just dumb.

>Following a bend in the path, Nyx came to a stop. Before her, shrouded in curling mist, a creaky rope bridge hung over a deep expanse. It groaned as it shifted gently from side to side, nudged by small breezes. Beyond the bridge, on the far side of the gorge, were the ruins of an ancient castle that had been long forgotten and partially overtaken by the Everfree Forest.

Oh God she's going to talk to the ghost of Nightmare Moon or something and gain her super-duper revenge powers isn't she? Well, whatever. Stay tuned.

55e03 No.249931

>Do you pity her yet? Do you? Huh? Huhhh???
At this point I pity all the characters trapped in this world.

e2c8c No.249951

Sometimes I imagine the characters in this world as wig-wearing fur-dyed actors in a movie the real Mane Six is watching and laughing at.

e2c8c No.249952

and by this world i meant all fanfics when they're getting too stupid

55e03 No.249961

File: 1573236304694-0.jpg (75.92 KB, 808x988, BassyGlimmerbyZolfyyy15218….jpg)

File: 1573236304694-1.png (296.85 KB, 377x438, f7dc05f698e744768528fc8989….png)

So anyway, it looks as if Nyx has found the Castle of the Two Sisters. Of course, being Nightmare Moon (you're a faggot, GlimGlam), she immediately starts to have flashbacks which consist of dialog from episode 1 & 2 of the series being dumped into the text verbatim.

>Ooh! Ooh! More guessing games! Um… Hokey Smokes! How about Queen Meanie? No! Black Snooty, Black Snooty!

Peen Stroke could have potentially done something interesting with this line from Pinkie Pie, seeing as how when she first met Nyx she called her by the name Black Snooty. It might have struck her as curious to hear the name again, particularly in Pinkie's voice, but clearly in a different context from when she'd heard it the first time. Just a thought.

>Nyx could remember herself saying those words. She could remember thinking them, but even worse… she could remember the feelings behind those thoughts. She wanted to hurt Twilight, to punish Twilight for trying to thwart her. She was thinking about banishing her, imprisoning her… even torturing her.

To be fair, I feel like we've all thought about Twilight in bondage from time to time.

Anyway, after what feels like a pretty long stretch of poor wittle teeny-tiny helpwess Nyx being all itsy-bitsy and cutesy-wootsy, the story has once again begun to shift back into edgelord territory. As usual, the events here don't really have a ton of emotional resonance because most of it could be seen coming a mile away, and because it's mostly told through a string of cliches; however, Peen Stroke basically does the cliches right. Nyx keeps having flashbacks to her life as Nightmare Moon (u a fagit glimy), she remembers fighting Twilight and recalls feelings of hatred towards her, which of course puts her in conflict with her current self because at that time Twilight was an enemy, but now she's just the kindly old box-wine-guzzling neurotic lady who keeps her locked up in the town library and won't let her go outside without a disguise on.

>Dark shadows shifted around the room: Dispelled magic that had lain dormant was now being awakened by Nyx’s presence. Trails of indigo smoke began to creep towards Nyx, and, as the magic seeped into her, the memory continued.

Naturally, there's plenty of this kind of shit. Nyx wages her inner war between her kind nature and her evil nature, which manifests itself in the physical world through shadows moving around and dark spoopy lightning flashing all over the place. Edge, edge, edge.

>And then… then there was a rainbow, but not a nice, pretty rainbow.

>No, the rainbow lunged at her like an angry snake. It encircled her, and it burned. It was burning her away, tearing her away from something else. It was like a savage animal with razor-sharp claws. It tore her to ribbons, despite her cries. Then, the memory faded and stopped, as if the rainbow had caused her to simply not exist anymore.
>Nyx collapsed on the floor of the castle, panting heavily as the memory finally relented. Despite the cool feel of the castle’s stone floor, she could still feel the burning pain of the rainbow, how it had cut and torn at her.
Alright, I'll grant that this is a pretty good metaphor for what the gay rights movement has done to Western civilization. Wait, that wasn't what he meant? Oh, never mind then.

>Other thoughts began to bubble to the surface as more and more of the indigo smoke drew in from the room and into Nyx. The thoughts were desires… hateful desires. Desires to hurt ponies, to make them pay for ignoring her. Memories of being scorned and ignored, memories of jealousy and anguish.

lmao. It's actually an accomplishment in itself that a story composed entirely of formulas and cliches can still manage to surprise me with how formulaic and full of cliches it is. Anyway, blah blah blah. The spirit of hatred and anger engulfs Nyx and fills her with a desire to become pic 2 related.

>With that final scream, something sparked to life inside Nyx and her eyes glowed white. The creeping tendrils of indigo smoke suddenly shifted, swirling faster and faster as they were sucked down into her like water in a whirlpool. At the same time, the dark desires in her mind began to fade, ebbing away as more and more of the smoky tendrils were absorbed.

And then, it reaches its climax, the spirit of evil enters Nyx and takes up permanent residence inside of her, but goes back to being dormant. Nyx returns to normal, will probably be all like "oh wow wat was dat lmao?" and then Twilight and her friends will show up, rescue her, and the adventure will be over until the next time Nyx is getting bullied, at which point the evil power will manifest and she will rain her vengeance down upon the world that shunned her. Yawn.

>Celestia bolted up in bed and turned her eyes to her window, through which she could see Ponyville and the Everfree Forest. Her breathing was still, and her ears turned forward in erect attention.

I'm too classy to even touch this one.

Anyway, blah blah blah, some more fairly predictable shit happens. Celestia feels a dark presence that she has not felt in some time (or maybe she just ate some bad hayburgers). One of the unicorns from the cult also feels it and summons his fellow cult members, for purposes yet unknown. We don't know that he's one of the cult members of course, but the author gives us a very subtle clue by casually dropping some names that the studious observer would remember from the prologue. This is a literary technique called "foreshadowing," but you don't need to remember that, because you pretty much have to be a high level literary wizard like Peen Stroke to be able to deploy it effectively. Stuff like that isn't in the text for peons like you and me; it's for the scholars who will be studying this 100 years from now.

55e03 No.249971

File: 1573241549158-0.png (1005.67 KB, 1280x720, starlight_glimmer__wotw__1….png)

Anyway, continuing along. After we get a few cutaways to Celestia and the cult leader feeling the dark presence of spoopy spoopiness returning to the world of mortals, the scene cuts to the Everfree Forest again, where the Mane 6 are now rushing in to save the day. They of course also see the bolt of magic lightning that signifies the reawakening of Nightmare Moon's evil power into the world, followed by some light humor where Pinkie Pie says something fairly stupid, Rainbow Dash facepalms (facehoofs, whatever) and we all force ourselves to chuckle (ruefully).

This scene actually feels fairly consistent with how the show handles this type of story. As much as I've been dumping on Past Sins for being melodramatic and full of cliches, parts of it actually read like one of the season opener/closer episodes from the show, which to be fair also tends to be pretty melodramatic and full of cliches. Evil appears, lightning cracks, the villain cackles maniacally, dramatic music plays, the mane 6 rush in heroically to save the day, Pinkie Pie makes a joke to lighten the mood, and so forth and so on.

However, I do think that while he's being more or less faithful to the material he's working with, Peen Stroke could have handled this scene a bit differently for better effect. For one thing, I do still think it's a bit overkill to have the entire mane 6 rushing into the forest to rescue Nyx. This isn't just because of the logic issues I've brought up already. It goes back to what we were discussing earlier, about how fanfiction authors tend to want to have the entire main cast make an appearance even if it isn't right for the story. In this case, I feel like the error he makes is in assuming that because he's writing an MLP story, the mane 6 have to play a significant role. Particularly with a scene like this. The natural thought process goes: Nyx is in trouble, and in MLP, if somepony is in trouble, the Mane 6 have to be the ones to save the day. But in this case it's wrong, and here's why.

Nyx really does not have a relationship to the mane 6, she has a relationship to Twilight, and a relationship to the others through Twilight. Twilight is the one who is taking care of her and showing an interest in her, so that's where the focus of the story should be. She also has a friendship with Apple Bloom and presumably the CMC and Twist, though what we have so far has mostly focused on Apple Bloom, so again that should be the main point of focus. The rest of the characters she's not particularly close to yet.

This might be kind of a dumb analogy, but I like to imagine the relationship of a main character to the supporting characters as kind of like a map of the solar system. At the center you have the main character, who is the focus of the story, as the sun. From there, you have other characters as planets that orbit them, with more important relationships orbiting closer and less important ones orbiting further away. Basically, character relationships form concentric circles with the most important relationships being closest to the center. I know, this analogy is gay as fuck but please bear with me.

In this story, we have Nyx as the MC at the center. The ponies closest to her, with whom she has established the most significant relationships, are Twilight, who is her wine-guzzling neurotic proto-mother figure, and Apple Bloom, who is a pony who stuck up for her when she was getting bullied and is pretty much her best friend at this point. Those two are her primary relationships and occupy the circle closest to her. From there, we have a circle for secondary relationships, in which I would place Rarity, Pinkie, Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Twist. Rarity and Pinkie are the ponies Twilight chose to confide in when she first decided to kidnap adopt Nyx. Nyx knows them, has had meaningful interactions with them (Rarity taught her to drink tea, Pinkie threw a party for her), but they are not as close to her as Twilight is. Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle are friends of Apple Bloom who become friends of Nyx by extension. However, they haven't really had any scenes together nor has there been any established bond between them. Nyx bonds to Apple Bloom, but doesn't bond to SB and SL the way that AB does. But they are still all friends. Twist, despite being somepony who should by all rights be drop-kicked into an oven and then forgotten forever, is in this category as well; she's a friend of AB, and befriends Nyx through this connection, but is not directly bonded to Nyx.

Beyond that, you have tertiary relationships, in which I would place the remainder of the mane 6 and any other main characters from the show. It's been established that Dash, AJ, and presumably Fluttershy, even though she isn't really mentioned much, all know that Twilight has a cousin and have met her at some point. However, they aren't really close and haven't really spent much time together. They care about Twilight and would probably care if they learned that Twilight's cousin was lost in the woods, but in terms of our solar system model they are basically the outer planets orbiting furthest away from Nyx, beyond the asteroid belt and well outside of our point of narrative focus. It might make sense logically for them to help rescue her, but from a story perspective they're not significant and shouldn't be in the scene.

I'll wrap this up in another post.

55e03 No.249979

File: 1573246363030-0.jpg (26.14 KB, 400x400, lAOlx5_Q_400x400.jpg)

Basically, the crux of the biscuit here is that this rescue scene feels off because it's focused on the wrong characters. The mane 6 rush in to save the day because that's just what they do, but it doesn't feel sincere because A) this story is about Nyx, not the Mane 6, and B) most of the Mane 6 are not important characters in relation to Nyx. So, in terms of emotional resonance, it's not much different from having her get saved by firefighters or royal guards or any other group of heroes who, while admirable, are really just doing their jobs and would have done the same for anypony. While the story here technically works, it fails to make an emotional impact on the reader and mostly comes across as just more girl-tied-to-the-train-tracks melodrama.

Here's how I would probably have handled the events of this chapter:

Nyx is getting bullied by DT/SS. AB rescues her, the two become friends. Jump forward a couple of weeks, Nyx is still getting bullied, but she has a circle of friends to protect her now, so it's not that bad. However, DT/SS decide they want to do something really mean to her, so they cook up a li'l ol' scheme to get her lost in the woods. DT/SS come to Twilight's house, pull a ruse to get Nyx to come along, pretend to want to make up and be friends. Nyx is a gullible retard, so she goes off with them. After a stop at Sugar Cube Corner, they go into the woods together. From there, DT/SS either ditch Nyx or try to pull mean pranks on her to scare her. But either way it backfires, and DT/SS get lost in the woods themselves. Nyx, meanwhile, gets lost by herself as planned and finds the Castle, and has her little edgelord revelation.

Meanwhile, Twilight is back at the library. She starts to get worried when Nyx doesn't come home for a couple hours, and goes off to look for her. She initially goes to Sugar Cube Corner since that's where the fillies said they were going (duh), and Pinkie tells her they were there but left a while ago. Now Twilight is more worried. Pinkie is also alarmed and expresses concern, since even though she doesn't know what's going on, she gets the impression that something is wrong. She assures Twilight she will keep an eye out for the three fillies.

Twilight thanks her for her help, then starts wandering around town to places where it would be logical for young foals to hang out at, but still can't find them. Eventually she comes across AJ, who is selling apples. Her sister is "helping," and AB's frens are there to help too, but really they are just goofing around while AJ sells apples. She asks about Nyx, AJ says she hasn't seen her. The CMC overhear and are concerned about their friend. Twilight explains the situation, and the CMC inform her that DT/SS are bullies who pick on Nyx. Now Twilight knows she dun goofed, and is really worried. She thanks AJ for her help, and resumes her search. AJ wishes her luck, and suggests that the CMC go with her, since they are clearly worried about Nyx and aren't really helping AJ much anyway.

However, now they are stuck since it seems like they've searched everywhere and still can't find a trace of the three missing fillies. They decide to go back to Sugar Cube Corner and regroup. At this point, Pinkie, who has been racking her brain since Twilight left, now remembers that she overheard them talking about the Everfree Forest. This seems like as good a lead as any, so Twilight and the CMC thank her for her help, and leave. Pinkie impulsively decides to blow off the rest of her shift and come with them, because that's the kind of shit she does. This would probably be a good place to insert some Pinkie-related comic relief. Maybe she leaves a customer in the middle of a transaction, or does something equally irresponsible but forgivable under the circumstances, and her long-suffering employers Mr. and/or Mrs. Cake just pick up the slack for her (again).

The group goes to the Everfree. From here, there are a couple of equally good paths the story can take that would both ultimately lead to the same ending.

A) The search party goes through the woods and comes across DT/SS. Twilight is 200% peeved, and lectures the shit out of them. AB gives them a piece of her mind as well, with SL and SB periodically interjecting "yeah" and "that's right." However, the two of them have had a pretty harrowing time in the woods themselves (a cutaway scene or two would have been devoted to this), and it's obvious they've learned their lesson. SS apologizes on behalf of both (DT is still a little sulky but seems to understand that she did wrong) and offers to make amends by helping to search for Nyx. Twilight grudgingly accepts their help. Eventually they find Nyx.

B) After the scene at the castle, Nyx is wandering in the woods some more and finds DT/SS herself. By now she has figured out that the whole thing was a ruse, and is angry. However, DT and SS are too frightened to pick on her any more, and they make nice. Since they are all in the same mess together, they decide to cooperate and try to find a way out of the forest. Eventually, they come across Twilight and the search party. At this point, Twilight and the CMC lecture DT/SS as above, but Nyx tells them to lay off.

Now that the air is clear and the adventure is over, they all decide to just go home. Nyx feels that she has reached an understanding with DT/SS, but since it's probably too early to conclude the bullying arc, DT/SS ultimately revert to their old ways as soon as they're back in school, which conveniently adds to Nyx's sense of being betrayed, which conveniently legitimizes whatever edgelord shit Peen Stroke intends for her to do. See how it works?

Anyway, I got a bit carried away there. I've still got a fair chunk of text to read. So, without further ado, let's find out what really happens. However, my gut instinct tells me that what I just outlined above is probably a better way to handle it.

55e03 No.249984

File: 1573251891887-0.png (385.61 KB, 1000x1000, untitled_by_9seconds-d9iee….png)

Anyway, where did I leave off? Oh yeah, Twilight an the Mane 6 go to rescue Nyx. After going to all the trouble of assembling the whole squad, she realizes that Nyx is at the castle of the two sisters, so she has to go get her by herself. So, she ditches her friends and teleports off into the woods.

>Nyx was lying in the center of the room, and, for a moment, a wave of relief began to wash over Twilight. That relief, however, receded like the tide from the shore and was quickly replaced by a powerful, gripping fear that threatened to squeeze the very air from her chest. Nyx’s normal mane and tail had been replaced with flowing masses of star-dotted magic. Nyx was now truly Nightmare Moon’s doppelganger. All she lacked was the armor, the eye shadow, and Nightmare Moon’s cutie mark.

Peen Stroke, you are once, twice, three times a faggot.

>Nyx was young, but there was no denying that she was—

Yes, yes, she's cute and innocent but she's also evil incarnate. You're conflicted, she's conflicted, everyone's experiencing moral dilemmas up the yin-yang right now; we get it.

>Still, Twilight held herself back as her mind rebelled against itself. She couldn’t dismiss Nyx’s resemblance to Nightmare Moon, especially now that Nyx had the mane and tail the Mare in the Moon was infamous for. Yet, would Nightmare Moon be crying like that? Would she be wailing so loudly?

You're a faggot, Peen Stroke (2x).

>“I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Please don’t hate me! Please! I don’t want to hurt you!” Nyx wailed into Twilight’s chest, her voice muffled.

Oh god, not more of this shit. As the 1980s would say, gag me with a spoon.

>“I… I don’t know!” Nyx sobbed miserably. “I-I came in here and then… and then I remembered looking down on you. W-we were both here, and you looked so scared, and I w-was happy to see you were scared… and-and I wanted to hurt you, b-because you tried to stop me from doing s-something… but I d-don’t want to hurt you, Twilight! Please… please don’t hate me! I don’t want to hurt you!”

Okay, this is the wrong way to handle this. Twilight should not be informed directly that Nyx is struggling between her two natures, or is having thoughts of harming her, and she certainly shouldn't learn it directly from Nyx right after it happened. There's no tension here, no suspense, the reader is just being fed information. Twilight can figure it out on her own eventually, but by making it an established fact between them this early takes away all opportunity to develop it as a storyline.

>Twilight felt a tension in her chest, a physical manifestation of her inner conflict. Nyx wasn’t crying because she was scared of the castle or the forest. She was crying because she felt she had done something horrible, and she was apologizing for it. Apologizing for things that Nightmare Moon had done, had thought, had felt. It worried Twilight because, if Nyx had Nightmare Moon’s memories, it was almost conclusive evidence that the two were one and the same.

First of all, you're a faggot, Peen Stroke. Second of all, show don't tell. Third, this is the wrong thing for Twilight to be focusing on here. The relationship between Twilight and Nyx should be gradually developing as the story plays out, but at the moment we are right back where we started, with Nyx being reduced to an annoying, sobbing non-presence in the story, and Twilight lost in her own paranoid thoughts about how she looks like Nightmare goddamn motherfucking Moon.

>Yet, as Twilight looked at the filly crying into her neck, she was no longer able to see Nightmare Moon, and it made her realize how close she had grown to Nyx.

lmao this is exactly the kind of thing you should be showing, not telling. Reeeeeeee.

>That was it; she was never supposed to bond with Nyx.

Well, at least she's doing one thing right then.

>She needed a way to get Nyx to sleep at night, so she started reading her bedtime stories. She saw Nyx struggling with homework, so she sat down and helped her. Nyx came to her asking questions, and, through their conversations, Twilight had grown to know Nyx as a filly. She was a filly who loved the sun, had friends, and was curious about the world around her.

>That familiarity had bred care. Twilight cared about Nyx. She wanted her to get a good night’s sleep, to do well in school, and to ask questions. She wanted Nyx to be safe.
Twilight's motivations are all over the place here, and that's a big part of what's wrong with this story. I get that the author is trying to make her seem conflicted, but mostly it just comes across as random indecisiveness. One minute she's scared of her, the next minute she's cold and logical and sees her as a science project, the minute after that she wants to be her mommy. None of these feelings segue naturally into each other, and she jumps back and forth between them like she's got a dial in her head that someone keeps moving to different settings at random intervals.

>Twilight’s words, however, were not enough to soothe Nyx. She continued to cry and beg for forgiveness, and again and again Twilight said that it was okay. Twilight did not force Nyx to stop, even after her mane and tail had returned to normal. Nyx needed to cry, to get it all out. She had remembered something terrible, something she couldn’t understand, and she just needed Twilight to be there, to assure her everything was okay.

>To protect Nyx from her memories.
Aaaand, that's it. The chapter ends with more forced emotion and empty saccharin bullshit. The bond between Nyx and Twi still does not feel genuine. The author seems to realize this and tries to compensate by layering on more imagery intended to tug at the reader's heartstrings; Nyx crying and Twilight trying to soothe her and stroke her mane. Another soothing yet empty piece of pastoral imagery by the Thomas Kinkade of pony fiction.

e2c8c No.250002

This is good series
keep going plz

e1eb3 No.250025

Yeah, keep going since this thread works as a catalyst for other potential threads to appear. However, while I read most of your posts, my intrest is waning. That is not a jab at your capabilites but there is only so much one can say about Past Sins.

I had this wall of text explaining myself but I felt it was undercooked. The main point is that nothing happens in forever in Past Sins and that carries over into anyreview of it because there is just so much one can say about nothing. These posat are more intresting since it is more about what you think than the post specifically about the text itself because again the text is boring.

c61ce No.250031

Honestly, your average criticism, even of stupid shit, is generally worth less than the stupid shit itself. Particularly when it goes into a chapter by chapter, scene by scene, line by line cinemasins-style nitpicking fest. When you go into a story prepared to launch a criticism at every little detail, of course you're going to have a problem with every little detail, and you're going to complain about shit that's not really an issue. It's silly, for example, to complain that Nightmare Moon is being associated with smoke and lightning. That's literally the canonical aesthetic of the character. It's silly to complain that Twilight's friends generally like Nyx, as though any of Twilight's friends would go out of their way to hate an innocent child that their close friend obviously cares for. It's silly to complain that a child in a scary situation is crying; that's what children do in scary situations. No offense to Glim Glam, but it's like you're criticising the story less by its own merits and more by how many memes and tv-tropes you can project onto the story to reee about.

I generally can't read criticisms of any work without internally arguing with the critic and defending the work being criticised, even if I didn't care for the work itself, because most critics - especially amateur ones, but professional critics do it too - are trying to pick fights with shit that doesn't matter. But then, the only critic who doesn't always trigger an internal spergfest for me is Armond White, so maybe my tastes are just a little out there.

677ce No.250053


>These posat are more intresting since it is more about what you think
And then I forget about posting the post I was refering to.

>I generally can't read criticisms of any work without internally arguing with the critic and defending the work being criticised
I think that is a good approach to have. There is no reason not to think critically about anything and tastetest it before coming to a decision about anything. So long one is honest with oneself.
>especially amateur ones, but professional critics do it too - are trying to pick fights with shit that doesn't matter
I have noticed this tendency as well. It is because media feeds on death and drama and there are always people willing to jump on the bandwagon and laugh at the fool.
> most critics
I don't know if it is exactly most. There a bunch of apologetics as well that geets populare. Don't know why.

While I agree that declearing something to be shit because of a nitpick is worng. I disagree that pointing out nitpicks are bad in general. Every pro and con matters when one is trying to measure a story's worth.
I think Glimglam usually does a fine job with this. While your examples probably are valid, I know he has plenty of times pointed out things he thought were good in any work he has reviewed and all his points are not nitpicks either (Know you didn't say that just pointing it out).
I think he has a good integrity. On a scal from Rothchild to Jesus, I would say, Twelve Hitlers out of five Mengelers.

55e03 No.250077

File: 1573335742003.jpg (52.38 KB, 612x612, f92065339233c8169ac1de03ba….jpg)

>criticizing criticism

In all seriousness though, my overall aim here isn't to just disparage the work for the sake of disparaging it. I highly doubt Peen Stroke will ever see this thread, or if he did see it I doubt he'd care much, since as I've pointed out his work is quite popular, and I'm just one lone anon writing walls of text on a fairly obscure forum. Although who knows, in my experience guys who churn out stuff like this tend to have pretty thin skins about it.

Pretty much every aspect of this critical approach I've developed, which basically comes down to going through a work of fiction line by line, highlighting specific points I either like or don't like, and making ad-hominem attacks and gay jokes against the author or the author's OC, came out of reviewing Nigel's fic last year. I started doing it mainly because it was funny and because Nigel at the time was getting on my nerves, then continued it because people seemed to enjoy what I was writing and the thread went from being about shitting on Nigel's terrible fanfic to being about giving him actual writing advice, that in the end he seemed to appreciate. I've had multiple people suggest to me that I should do the same thing with other works in the fandom, and I chose this one because someone had showed up on the board apparently trying to revive the Nyxposting phenomenon from /mlp/.

What I've found from doing this is that my own writing has actually improved, because when you go through something in this much detail and try to be hyper-critical about every little thing, you get a much deeper sense of why you either like or dislike something. I have also found that many of the things I shit on others for doing are things that I do all the time, and I've learned how to watch out for a lot of them and avoid doing them. This might sound autistic but I've actually started going through my own past work and giving it the GlimGlam treatment, including highlighting passages I find to be particularly poorly-written or stupid and calling myself a faggot for writing them.

I've also found that it helps to focus on negatives more than positives, because people notice the negatives more, and even if you've got a good idea it won't help you if you write it poorly. Also, I think some non-writers are just reading these threads for keks, and for pure entertainment value shitting on something tends to amuse people more than praising it. But I do try to be as evenhanded as possible, and I try to also point out whatever I think the writer does well. In general though I think it's useful for anyone who writes or wants to write to get into the habit of reading things critically. This means that if you like something or dislike something, it's helpful to go through it with a fine toothed comb and see if you can figure out exactly why you like it or dislike it.

One thing I've pointed out here multiple times is that Peen Stroke has something like 20 different people credited as editors, as well as an "assistant," whatever his role is exactly. However, many of the problems that I've been focusing on are glaringly obvious things that anyone reading critically should have seen. Not just surface stuff like the overuse of tropes and cliches, but grammatical and mechanical issues, too much narration of Twilight's thoughts vs. relationship building between her and Nyx, lack of genuine feeling that results from this, excessively saccharin scenes to compensate for lack of genuine feeling, insertion of unnecessary canon characters, unnecessary scenes, logic issues like why didn't Twilight go to Sugar Cube Corner to look for Nyx, problems with story structure like what I described in my overview of ch. 3 here >>249979 .

Basically, this is all stuff that, to me at least, is glaringly obvious and that it seems should have been noticed by at least one of the 21 people he's employed to look at this for him. The fact that it went through this many critical readers and this was the finished product suggests to me that either it started out even shittier and this draft is a legitimate improvement, or more likely that Peen Stroke does not have editors so much as he has a fan club, or, dare I say it, peen strokers. This is bad for any writer for the same reason it's bad for a leader or business owner to surround himself with advisors who just kiss his ass all the time. Probably the most frustrating part of reading this has been realizing that it actually could be quite good if the author would just address some of these issues in rewrite.

In the end though I really don't care that much about Peen Stroke or Past Sins. I think if he ever found this thread I've given him some decent notes and he could use as much or as little of it as he likes to do a rewrite of the fic. However he certainly doesn't have to; these are just my personal reactions to what he wrote and are as subjective as anyone else's. Anyone could do the same thing with anything I've written. I do this because I think it's entertaining and potentially informative.

However I would like to say that between reading the text, figuring out what I want to say about it, writing out my thoughts, revising it, and condensing it into 5000 char segments, these review posts take me anywhere from 45-90 minutes apiece to write. In addition to this I'm also in the NaNoWriMo thread, so I'm spending a fair chunk of time reading and writing lately. I'm certainly not trying to sound pissy and apologize if I do; everyone is as entitled to their opinions as I am. But this review project is a bit of a time sink, and if that time would be better spent elsewhere I would like to know. I also understand that maybe the tripfagging and avatarfagging, which is also just holdover from when I was doing Nigel's thing, may come across as a bit obnoxious.

So I'll ask the thread: shall I continue with Past Sins, should I read/review something else, or should I just stop?

e2c8c No.250078

>as well as an "assistant," whatever his role is exactly
I bet his role is sucking gay penis, like a faggot.

c61ce No.250079

>So I'll ask the thread: shall I continue with Past Sins, should I read/review something else, or should I just stop?
Well keep going if you're enjoying yourself. I just felt the need to vent a little autism after internally quibbling with everything you've written so far. Like I said, I tend to dislike the art of criticism in general and I'm probably not the target audience for these threads.

e2c8c No.250081

As bad as the Nyx story is, the things you've said about the fic apply to the whole thing.
You've kind of said everything you can say about it already.
It's just a bad "Little orphan Naruto gets adopted by a character I like, befriends characters I like, gets bullied by characters I don't like for being unpopular and having a dark monster's power sealed within him, and it's full of cliche emotionally-manipulative stock scenes because I can't write original stories" fanfic.
The Nyx story is shit, but not in a funny way. I'd say skim the rest of the chapters and make posts here highlighting certain shit you want to talk about, followed by your overall thoughts on the chapter. Once Nyx is done you can move on to a better fic. Or a worse but funnier fic.
Tripfagging is fine but putting something funny in the avatar box related to what you're posting would be better than a boring old glimmer pic.
As for what else you could review with your line-by-line style…
>Four Score I'm A Massive Cock Whore is pretty bad but not really in a funny sort of way, just a "I can see why the fandom would fall in love with this dreck" way.
>You'd cause some epic lulz if you asked the Displaced fandom to tell you what the "Greatest Displaced fic ever is", then tore it apart for being inane childish faggotry right in front of their faces
>Friendship Is Optimal is trash written by Self-Diagnosed-Genius(TM) sociopathic-narcissist leftycommie Elizer Yudkowsky to attract bronies to his pseudointellectual cult of ignorance once Harry Potter stopped being trendy. It's about some faggot making a "CelestAI", a magic AI supercomputer that can hack anything and creates Equestria Online which is Matrix plus Sword Art Online but double the faggotry. All of humanity goes full nigger and rolls over for the AI supergoddess because she's just sooooo smaaaaart. Everyone plugs their brains into the Matrix to live a life of wish-fulfillment and ploughing fake AI mares you can edit and recode at will. It's like you're the faggy Server Admin of your own private world of warcraft server, and CelestAI will let you do literally anything to the programs in your world because all that matters to her is putting humans in Equestria Online because that's all she was programmed to do: "Satisfy people's values through friendship and ponies". THE STORY IS FUCKING FULL of "The author wants you to think character 1 is clever, but what she's trying only works because everyone else is fucking retarded" moments.
>Any of the "Superior Versions Of" my old DataBass trollfic/troll-clopfic are good for a laugh, especially the ones where Twilight's a rapist and the author doesn't notice because he's too busy calling my OC a faggot
>Fallout Equestria is massively overhyped trashy wannabe-deep wannabe-actionmovie shlock but in every way that it's bad and mindless and popular with edgy teenagers, Project Horizons one-ups it in the most hilariously trashy ways possible. Rereading Fallout Equestria as an adult made me mad for ever liking this dreck but reading Project Horizons for the first time as an adult had me laughing my ass off. Still PH can't actually stand on its own as a work of fiction, you'd need to read Fallout Equestria first before seeing this or you wouldn't understand the worst bits. So FE then PH
>If you hated Nyx, get ready for Nyx 2! Fallout Equestria: Pink Eyes. Imagine the most saccharine bullshit possible in the Equestrian Wasteland, a little pink filly named Puppysmiles in a spacesuit wandering around the wasteland hugging raiders and looking for her mummy and never actually losing because that'd ruin the tooth-rotting wannabe-cuteness of an idiot who ends up "Ascending to a higher plane of existence" by suddenly ending the story to become a Fallout perk. "Oh but she's also poisoned with magic pink poison so she's an immortal invincible demigod- I mean eldwitch amobbynashan, so that totally makes the story deep and dark and tragic" said a faggot.

e2c8c No.250083

Anyone else find green on peachish-orange hard to read? It makes me hesitant to >so much text in a block. Does this site have a way to change background colours?

677ce No.250087

>the tripfagging and avatarfagging
I think it is okay in this thread. Like if you were to remove it, it would still be obivious who you are and the trip would still be there.
I think it is completely fine. You are not using it as somekind of authority thing. Like you didn't use it in
>I'm also in the NaNoWriMo thread
and as long as you don't try to gain something by using it on places where it is irrelevant. I have no problems with it.
But maybe since it serves no purpose in this thread either you might aswell remove it? Man, I don't know.
I am not really bothered by it but I can see why some would be. Like I like you but like I remember I liked Mauler as well but after he started with efap, he has become more and more of a faggot, in my opinionwiggle wiggle eyebrow.
The people who listen and watches his podcasts and such are such sycophants that you get disgusted and so on. I think that to avoid circlejerks one should avoid e-celeb statuses to appear since they create this. Like it is both the people who likes the stuff the idol creates as well as the idol's ego itself that makes it, after a while unbearable.
Maybe. This is just my two cents. I don't know.

If you are currently writing at the same time as this, then you should at least not push yourself too hard. This is one advice I will give you.

I'm pretty tired and will get back to you later on this.

a2ef1 No.250090

Jesus christ, there's been an options in the corner of the screen EVER SINCE. You of ALL anons should know that.
Got questions? Want a spoonfeeding? Fuck off >>>/qa/

f4e15 No.250096

Trip and avatarfagging is acceptable if you're providing a form of content, and this is a form of content. I also think you should see this through because, if you're learning from this as you say, there's some solid shit later on around how he does the climax and resolution that I'd be pretty interested in seeing your thoughts on.

Also you're entirely correct about the "editors", the current version isn't actually all that different from the original, there's minor technical changes, and the rewrite it did go through was to make it conform to season 2 canon, but it's otherwise exactly the same. I wouldn't expect any kind of rewrite now, though, it's been years and Past Sins is actually in print, so it couldn't be rewritten without making a lot of rubes who actually bought the book very angry.

392b1 No.250097

Well Glim Glam you steam a good critique. While I am here just for the entertainment, seeing exactly what makes a story story tick is a fun pastime. Perhaps even I could learn to provide quality feedback one day.
>I have also found that many of the things I shit on others for doing are things that I do all the time, and I've learned how to watch out for a lot of them and avoid doing them.
To improve is a noble goal.
>Past Sins is actually in print, so it couldn't be rewritten without making a lot of rubes who actually bought the book very angry.
Hunh, didn't know that.

55e03 No.250099

Thanks for the feedback to everyone who posted. I think what I'm probably going to do for now is just continue with Past Sins, because I actually am rather enjoying tearing into it, but I will probably try to move a little faster and not do as much line-by-line greentext quoting as I've been doing, since as Nigel pointed out I'm probably just going to end up repeating myself a lot if I do it that way. No promises, though.

Reading back over some of what I've done so far, I think I agree with Sven that >>249971 and >>249979 contain observations that are more interesting to read than just constant nitpicking of the details of the text. I actually rather enjoyed doing the summary for an alternate version of events for chapter 3, and might try to do that for more of the story. Since it sounds like a lot of the future chapters are just going to be more of the same, rather than spend my time complaining about the same things over and over, I might try to present more examples of different ways I think the story could have been constructed had Peen Stroke been less of a faggot.

f4e15 No.250102

You are still obligated to call Peen Stroke a faggot every time Nyx is referred to as Nightmare Moon.

55e03 No.250103

That is a sacred obligation I fully intend to adhere to.

a2ef1 No.250114

I for one will never read Past Sins, so I doubly appreciate your efforts in both absolving me of any niggling doubt and for giving me a rundown in an entertaining manner. By all means, please continue and nice pair of dubs.

55e03 No.250115

File: 1573371263669.jpg (862.92 KB, 2500x2500, 1573186036537.jpg)

Okay, so I know that I literally just said I was going to avoid a lot of greentexting and nitpicking small details, but I want to do the exact opposite of that for a minute in order to point a couple of things out:

>She looked in on Nyx for a few seconds longer before gently shutting the door. She then descended the library’s staircase, climbing down to the ground floor where many ponies with worried faces were waiting. Twilight greatly appreciated the fact that all of her friends had stayed to make sure Nyx was all right, especially since Rarity and the Cutie Mark Crusaders were the only ones who knew Nyx well enough to be so concerned.

What's frustrating here is that it's almost as if Peen Stroke knows what's wrong with his story on some deep subconscious level, and this part of his brain keeps trying to correct it. However, his conscious mind, and its desire to put literally thousands of dicks in his mouth every time the clock in his house chimes, the very clock which he set to chime every fifteen minutes because he was getting tired of having to wait 60 minutes at a time to put literally thousands of dicks in his mouth, keeps preventing it from doing so.

In this case, he literally acknowledges that the only ponies besides Twilight who know Nyx well enough to go to this much trouble for her are Rarity and the CMC, and that the rest of them really don't belong in the scene. But he just….doesn't quite manage to connect the dots.

>“Would you, maybe, want some of us to stay?” Fluttershy kindly offered.

Also, this is literally the first time in the entire text that Fluttershy has had a spoken line, or has done anything. She is obviously not a significant character. Frankly she's been mentioned so little that I wasn't even sure if she was part of the rescue party. Why is she here right now?

>Scootaloo blinked before her eyes widened, a panicked frown forming on her face. “Oh no! My parents are going to flip!”

This is interesting. I know this was written pretty early in the fandom, and so a lot of the more popular fan canons probably hadn't developed yet. However I've gotten so accustomed to the generally accepted fan canon that Scoot is an orphan (or even the official canon, which is basically that her parents are irresponsible assholes, her rug munching aunts don't pay that much attention, and for all practical purposes she is pretty much an orphan) that it sounds odd to hear her name mentioned in a context of having a normal family life. I'm actually mildly curious what Peen Stroke's headcanon for Scoot's situation at this time was.

In any event, this exchange between Scootaloo and Rainbow Dash is unnecessary and another example of Peen Stroke's overall lack of proper narrative focus. Rainbow Dash, once again, is not one of the significant characters in this story. Her relationship to the main character is peripheral at best. Moreover, she wasn't even incidentally significant in the preceding scene.

Here's really the problem I have with this and why I keep drawing so much attention to it. As I stated in previous posts, Nyx is the main character and is basically the focus of the story. Twilight and Apple Bloom are her most significant relationships, with Rarity, Ponk, Scoot, Sweetie Belle, and (ugh) Twist being secondary supporting relationships. Pretty much all other characters in the series don't matter at this point, and until that changes should not be appearing for any other reason than to play incidental background roles.

In the previous chapter, we had a situation where a series of events led to Nyx being lost in the woods. The sensible thing for the author to do would be to have Twilight go looking for her, accompanied by the CMC and maybe Rarity or Ponk (I chose Ponk for my version of events). For whatever dumb reason, he chooses to assemble the entire Mane 6 and have them all go looking for her together. However, Nyx ends up at the castle of the two sisters, which means that if they all go up there together, the mystery of Nyx's secret identity will be revealed. So at this point, Peen Stroke has Twilight break away from the rest of the Mane 6 and go look for Nyx by herself anyway. Literally why even bring them all together then? There was no reason to do it.

Here's a comparable example: Frodo and Sam need to go to Mordor to destroy the Ring. On the way, they meet Gollum, and he tags along for a while. Frodo is the MC, Sam is his best friend (or possible gay lover, if we're going with Peter Jackson canon). Gollum has a secondary relationship to Frodo; Frodo pities him and wants to let him help, Gollum just wants the ring, etc etc we all know the story. Main point is, the focus of the story is on the main character, and two secondary characters who have a reason to be there; Tolkien doesn't just have a bunch of extra characters tagging along for no reason. If Peen Stroke had written LOTR, it would have been Frodo, Sam, Gollum, and Skippy the Elf. Why is Skippy there? No reason, the author just likes him and wants him to be in the story even though he doesn't really do anything. Then, later, Rainbow Dash shows up and flies them to Mt. Doom.

Now back in the world of Past Sins, we have Rainbow Dash, who was barely in the previous scene and didn't actually need to be in it at all, having a separate conversation with Scootaloo, who despite being Nyx's friend isn't that significant of a character yet. Why is this in the story? Also, the way she casually drops "loyalty" into the conversation is annoying. Hurr durr that's her element, ain't dat clever?

Anyway, Diamond Tiara knocks on the door suddenly and it looks like shit's about to get real.

I'm going to take Nigel's suggestion and start using more related pics instead of Glimmer avatars for these posts. However this time I don't have a good one so here's Golly.

677ce No.250116

>or possible gay lover, if we're going with Peter Jackson canon
WTF! How dare you! That's the last straw. I know where you live, faggot. I bet you feel safe in Virgina, Los Angles. Yeah, that's right. You better look scared. I will get you and you will never see me comming. I wonder how it feels to know that if you hadn't insulted the greatest movie of all time, you wouldn't be in this mess. FAG!!! To think you would be able to get away with saying that Frodo's and Sam's beautiful platnic friendship is gay. It wasn't gay faggot. You just wish it to be as uncle shekelberg pegs you in the ass. I gotta target on your back. It is time for fear!

55e03 No.250125

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I think another part of what annoys me so much about this story is that while Peen Stroke gets most of the cliches right on the small scale, the work has high-level design problems that prevents it from feeling like its cliches are deployed effectively. Thus, what's unforgivable about this is that it tries to execute a well-worn plot and fails at it. As much as it's generally acceptable to bitch about something being cliche and formulaic, the truth is that most fiction is in some way formulaic, and just because the tropes you're using have been done to death doesn't mean you can't make the reader enjoy them for the 7,000th time. As I've pointed out before, MLP itself contains a lot of tropes and cliches; indeed Nightmare Moon to begin with is pretty much every madly cackling cartoon villain ever, and I'm sure was designed that way on purpose. No, the more I think about it this story doesn't suck because it follows a recipe. This story sucks because the author tries to change the recipe without really knowing what he's doing.

The main idea he's got, which is basically "cute and endearing little girl turns out to be a massively powerful and possibly evil entity," is a pretty common anime script. Elfen Lied and This Ugly Yet Beautiful World are the two that spring immediately to mind for me (pics 1-2 related), but there are plenty of others. Steel Angel Kurumi, Chobits, and DearS (basically Chobits with big boobs) are somewhat different but still follow the basic pattern (pics 3-5 related). There are probably plenty of others I could think of too. Here is the setup: usually the show begins with some kind of out of context event like a spaceship crashing. After the credits roll, the opening scene is usually some random innocent Person X discovering le cute innocent girl by accident. Usually she is wandering around in a fugue state or else unconscious. Le cute innocent girl is so le cute and innocent that Person X knows he/she can't just leave her alone by herself, and so Person X (hereafter referred to as X so I don't have to type as much) takes responsibility and le cute innocent girl (hereafter referred to as LCIG so I don't have to type as much) comes to live with him.

The unorthodox living situation is usually somehow disruptive for X, and early episodes generally focus on him adapting to having LCIG living with him. Frequently there is some kind of friend or neighbor who is an acquaintance of X, and who discovers the situation and becomes involved. If X is male, this person is usually a childhood friend who has a crush on him. She may have some jealousy of LCIG or misinterpret the situation, but ultimately her kindhearted nature prevails and usually she ends up forming her own relationship. LCIG generally has some type of low-grade amnesia, and has no idea how to interact with the world in a normal way. She typically has to be taught how to do basic things like put on clothes and go grocery shopping. She often can't remember her name so X gives her one. LCIG sometimes attends school, usually the same school as X if he/she is also a student.

Usually these stories go on being pretty lighthearted and slice of life for several episodes, during which time both X and the audience are intended to form a bond with LCIG. However, about midway through the series, the plot starts to thicken. We are usually introduced to something like a cult or a government agency that is independently investigating the spaceship crash or whatever happened at the very beginning. Eventually we learn that there is some kind of secret weapon or super powered alien that was in the spaceship that the agency is interested in for purely nefarious purposes.

Surprise surprise, this usually turns out to be LCIG, who it is revealed has some kind of superpower that she doesn't know she has because she lost her memory. The nefarious agency tries to reclaim her, usually there is some kind of climactic event where her power awakens and she unleashes it either intentionally or unintentionally. X, who has been told by the agency to stay out of it, does the opposite of that and gets super-involved. Usually the agency is defeated somehow, and LCIG and X resume their unorthodox but happy life with all the frens they made along the way. Or, in the case of something like Elfen Lied, it gets fucked up and never really stops being fucked up. Details can vary, but these shows all follow the same basic pattern, especially in the beginning.

Now, let's take a look at Past Sins through this lens. It begins with an out of context scene in which a nefarious cult is trying to revive Nightmare Moon (you're a faggot, Peen Stroke). tl;dr, it fails. Kind of. Next scene, Twilight Sparkle is walking through the woods and finds LCIG Nyx. Nyx is suffering from low-grade amnesia and is very le cute and innocent. Twilight Sparkle decides she can't leave le cute and innocent filly alone in the woods so she takes her home, gives her a name, and informally adopts her.

Twilight then enlists the help of her friend Rarity to try and create an outfit for Nyx, whose alicorn status she needs to hide. In addition to making clothes, Rarity spends time with LCIF and begins to form her own bond. Next, Twilight enrolls Nyx in school so she can learn the basic things about interacting with the world that she doesn't understand. This leads to a subplot arc where Nyx is getting bullied by Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, which in turn leads to a situation where Nyx inadvertently ends up back in the Everfree Forest. Through sheer coincidence (or is it fate?) she winds up back at the place where Nightmare Moon had her final stand. Her power awakens sort of, but not really. Twilight (along with all of her friends for some reason) shows up and rescues her. That basically brings us to where we're at currently.

Running out of space, will continue in next post.

55e03 No.250126

File: 1573394708715-0.png (664.9 KB, 1374x1029, glory hole super rad oc do….png)

>It is time for fear!

Where Past Sins immediately goes wrong is that it is constantly reminding the reader about the Nightmare Moon connection from the get go. Other than suggesting it via the prologue and allowing the reader to probably figure it out on their own fairly quickly, the connection should not be directly mentioned until much later. In fact the reader should not even be thinking about it, even if they see it right away. If we're following the "LCIG is actually super powerful entity" script, and I think I've effectively demonstrated that there are more than incidental similarities, then the entire story up to this point should be focused on Nyx learning about life in the new world she just woke up in, and forming a bond with Twilight and her friends, as I've already suggested multiple times.

The situation is slightly trickier here since it's established that Nyx bears enough of a physical resemblance to Nightmare Moon to where neither Twilight nor Rarity can ignore it. It also deviates slightly in that the ceremony scene in the prologue involves Twilight (Person X) and is thus part of the story's initial continuity, which usually doesn't happen. However, this doesn't necessarily break the formula. Planting an initial seed of suspicion in Twilight's head at the resemblance to NM when she first meets Nyx, and maybe having it resurface from time to time, can add to the tension if its done right. But we shouldn't constantly be having long monologues from Twi about "is Nyx Nightmare Moon? Is Peen Stroke a faggot?" at this (or any) point, because we already know the answer to both questions is yes, and it's just plain annoying to have to read it so many times.

The shows I chose as examples in the previous post are all quite different from each other, but one thing consistent between them is that in most of the early episodes, LCIG behaves as such, and is treated as such by X and whatever supporting cast exists. Even in a situation like this, where T and her friend R suspect there may be more to LCIF than meets the eye, at this point in the story they should push those thoughts to the back of their minds, and treat her as just a cute lonely filly who deserves a normal shot at life. The story at this point should focus primarily on smaller events and subplots that allow Nyx to form a deeper personal bond with Twilight and the other friends in her close orbit (recall my faggy solar system analogy if you want clues about which characters she should be building relationships with). Conflict at this point should be developed through smaller subplot arcs like the Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon bullying story, which even when you take into account how predictable it is, is still pretty fertile ground for a subplot in a story like this.

I'm probably going to try to get to the end of Chapter 4 and see where we are at that point. Then I'd like to do a similar thing to what I did with Chapter 3, where I take the events that have taken place and map out how I would probably have the story go if I were writing it. That was a fun exercise and I think being able to directly compare the two is a better way to illustrate what I'm talking about than just talking in circles for posts upon posts. I will probably be doing it at intermittent points throughout this analysis, and hopefully by the end we will have a nice outline of a much better story for anyone who can't be fucked to read this one, or who has read it but would like to pretend that they actually read something else.

Now then, where was I?

Oh yeah. Twilight's friends, who should not have been there in the first place, all just left, and Twilight is just about to settle down with a nice box of wine and her dog-eared copy of Eat, Pray, Love, when suddenly there is a knock at the door. She opens it, and who should be standing there but Diamond Tiara and her parents, Filthy Rich and Affluent Rich.

Now, according to the wiki, Spoiled Rich does not make an actual appearance until S5, so at the time of writing the name of Diamond Tiara's mother would not have been known. It's therefore perfectly acceptable for Peen Stroke to have invented this character, in the same way that it's perfectly acceptable for him to have invented parents for Scootaloo. I would also contend that the idea of authors having to update past stories to reflect new additions to the canon is silly; personally I think it's acceptable practice to set a story at any point in the canon you like, and to take as many liberties as you please with whatever hadn't been revealed at that time. At that point you can just call it an "alternate timeline" story. If there's stuff in the canon that you don't like, this is usually a lot less messy than trying to retcon it out starting from the present. Nigel, pay attention here.

However, with all that said, I would also like to say that I think "Affluent Rich" is a pretty dumb pony name. Both of her names are just synonyms of each other, which is stupid. It's like if Peen Stroke had chosen to name his pony avatar "Homosexual Gay." It would be accurate, but also redundant. Pony names are usually a word or phrase that subtly alludes to the pony's personality, identity, or primary occupation. In Peen Stroke's case, he would be better off going with something like "Glory Hole" or "Pearl Necklace." Maybe "Stallion Tickler." But I digress.

Anyway, I'm running out of space and it's getting late. We will rejoin Twilight Sparkle, Affluent Moneyhaving, Diamond Tiara et al at a later date, when we resume our neverending dive into Glory Hole's magnum opus.

e2c8c No.250131

> Also, the way she casually drops "loyalty" into the conversation is annoying. Hurr durr that's her element, ain't dat clever?
Fucktons of old pony fanfics do this before the "metagame" of faggoty crowdpleasers that gets you into the Nepotism Box was figured out.
It's what happens when the author is a giganigger with no understanding of the Mane Sox's virtues or any desire to give each character a chance to shine and show off their element.
Btw I've been told by one of the site's faggy admins a while ago that the box isn't actually automated. If a faggy admin likes your story he will put it in the box so it can grow from 25 likes to 200ish or even 500ish likes.
This fandom is so fucking small. And I hate how the site decided writers should divide their time between writing and promoting themselves. What does that leave for readers besides useless praise and useless bitching? Fans should support art they love through promoting it.

e2c8c No.250146

I think The End was a better boss fight.
What fic do you think you'll do after this one? You don't have to pick one from the list I gave you, I just picked ones that are:
>trash in unique and interesting ways
>beloved by the fandom's faggots

e2c8c No.250153

You know what'd be cool? If you did two similar overhyped bad fanfics at once, comparing and contrasting them.

dfce1 No.250155

Peen Stroke!
Ignore me, I'm just shitposting

e2c8c No.250160

Peen Stroke's Nyx vs Puppysmiles VS Snowblind, which saccharine shitshow of an attempted heartstring-tugger is worse?

d774f No.250163

Definitely Snowdrop. That one is a parody in itself. Only way it would be more heartstring tugging would be if she was an orphan who was raped by windigos

3136c No.250166

But the mother that we see in Snowdrop is just a memory. It cuts away to imply that her mother is dead in the present. She really is an orphan.

d774f No.250189

ah. Haven't seen that vid in years. That just makes it even more of a tryhard tearjerker.

e2c8c No.250202

Shoot me for saying this but the DBZ fandom has episode-length fan-animations that do a better job of:
>sticking to the source material while building upon it
>keeping in line with the source material's tone
>adding new and interesting ideas to the show
Not much of a better job, but a better job all the same.

677ce No.250205

Kek, nice pic.

e2c8c No.250235

e2c8c No.250319

Is there a list somewhere of all books sorted by word count? Preferably just the classics.
Was looking at the length of my Fallout Equestria story and I think I'm winning.

0eb70 No.250358

From what I've read in this thread and various snippets of the lore, Nyx could have been (and with some liberal head-canon, is) a respectable OC. I'm still not reading that shit though.
Looking forward to more.

55e03 No.250400

File: 1573664917688-0.jpg (43.87 KB, 874x676, Billionaire_Bot.jpg)


Anyway, what follows next is pretty much your obligatory upstairs/downstairs haves vs. have-nots muh great injustice scene, in which Diamond Tiara and her affluent family lob obviously false accusations at poor lonely wine-guzzling Twilight against which she attempts to defend herself to no avail. We learn that while preceding events were taking place the entirely-too-cuntily-portrayed-imo Diamond Tiara was off telling her parents a sob story about how the evil town librarian had approached her and threatened to turn her into a cactus (yes, this actually happened in the text). Obviously, DT left out the part where she tricked Nyx into going into the woods by herself. Twilight defends Nyx by explaining what happened, DT's mother defends her daughter by denying that she could ever possibly be guilty of any wrongdoing because blah blah we're rich and you're poor, stops short of suggesting that Twilight be burned at the stake for even suggesting such libel, and ultimately ends the confrontation on a "well, I never!" note when her only slightly more reasonable husband finally intercedes. The only thing this scene is missing is an image of "Affluent Rich" spitting out tea as a monocle falls from her eye.

Diamond Tiara eventually gets hoisted by her own petard when she accidentally admits to having done exactly what Twilight accused her of, however even after this her mother continues to be a massive cunt. Filthy Rich grounds DT, but informs Twilight that they will be speaking to the Mayor about this relatively minor misunderstanding over what ultimately amounts to an altercation between children, because as we all know, every rich person is evil and does stuff like that because they can. #Yang2020 #Muh1000Dollars

Oh yeah, Twilight also namedrops Princess Celestia, who still doesn't know about Nyx, as a way of countering Filthy Rich's namedropping of the Mayor. My, what a remarkably complex tapestry of conflicting interests and intrigue Mr. Stroke is weaving here.

Once again, we have a more or less competently written scene that follows a rather predictable blueprint. While I still don't agree with the logistics of how he had events take place in the preceding chapter, I can see that he intended to develop a conflict between Twilight and the Rich family, and he needed Twilight to threaten Diamond Tiara in order to make this happen. The new conflict does add an additional element to the story and makes it more interesting, so I'll actually go ahead and give him a jaunty tip of my cap for this. The downside of it (apart from my earlier complaints about the logic of ch 3) is that the scene he chose to initiate the conflict with is a little eye-rollingly heavy-handed. Diamond Tiara and her family are portrayed as stuck up, unreasonable, spiteful, cruel, aristocratic snobs; the sort of villains that the audience is supposed to immediately boo and hiss because ehrmahgod evil rich people. Not only is it veering the story back into cornball melodrama territory, I also think it's kind of an unfair depiction of these characters.

In the series (for clarity's sake you can assume I mean s1 and s2 when I mention the series from here on out, due to the time period of the story), though Diamond Tiara is usually kind of an obnoxious twat, her antics never really go beyond being a playground bully, and a fairly mild one at that. She's arrogant and unkind, but generally not overly cruel or sadistic. I'm skeptical that she would be evil enough to actually try to murder, or at least negligently manslaughter (ponyslaughter, whatever), one of her classmates, feel no remorse whatsoever, and even go so far as to try to have her parents cause actual real-life problems for said classmate's caregiver just because she had made a (probably not serious) threat to her.

Affluent Rich, as I went over, is basically an OC created by Peen Stroke because DT's mother was not a canon character in the show yet. So, he's got a fair amount of liberty here. However, I think she also goes overboard and I don't find her behavior entirely believable. It's true that some parents, particularly mothers, can get a little insanely defensive of their children, but usually nobody is this unreasonable, particularly when it becomes apparent that her child was actually the one in the wrong. Although who knows, a lot of women are just plain nuts.

Filthy Rich, though portrayed as the voice of reason, still goes overboard in threatening involve the Mayor. That's just silly. I don't think any reasonable person (pony, whatever) could take Twilight's threat to turn DT into a cactus seriously enough to cause real trouble over it. It's reasonable for a parent to be upset that another adult threatened his child, but in this case the child in question had done something actually quite serious, and Twi was right to be angry. DT's actions were not just wrong, but actually endangered Nyx's life. Even ignoring this, DT still lied to her parents and made it sound like Twilight did something worse than she did, while omitting what she herself did. Twilight yelled at a child in anger and might have gone overboard, so she would probably be wise to at least apologize for that much, but that's about it.

Filthy Rich has always struck me as a fairly level headed businesspony. He's maybe a little snooty at times, but I've never gotten the impression he's meant to be portrayed as evil or antagonistic. I doubt he'd be willing to waste the Mayor's time over something this ridiculous; if anything he'd probably realize that his daughter could technically be accused of attempted murder and would want this situation to go away as quickly and quietly as possible. Any sane person (pony, whatever) would just chalk this up to wacky little kid bullshit and call it a night.

Anyway, the scene ends with some light humor. Spike has some funny interactions with the owl, and then they all go to bed.

55e03 No.250402

I don't know if I could handle doing two of these simultaneously, tbh. If there's two fics that are related to each other in a way that would warrant examining them together, that might work. I could also attempt it with a couple of shorter ones I suppose.

677ce No.250405

>Evil rich people
This is a very very common trope within the mlp fandom. I have seen this so many times.
>Affluent Rich
I don't think she was in this scene in the original. I think it just were Filithy Rich since I don't think she existed in the story at all in the original.

e2c8c No.250421

Perhaps you could take one of the "Greatest Brony Fanfics of all time" that's effectively just some low-brow lowest common denominator-pleasing trash dressed up in pseudointellectualism, then take a fic that came out recently and is exactly the same just with a lower score and less pseudism, and expose the ways in which they're the same shit.
Then again, a focused teardown of the fandom's biggest darlings (Nyx, Fallout Equestria, Project Horizons, Puppysmiles's story Pink Eyes, Friendship is Optimal, that new "Fallout Equestria Commonwealth" that's literally just a writeup of a bad Fallout 4 LP, For Scores Divided my Whores, My Little Dashie, Cupcakes, Murky Number Seven, and whatever else has a big score) could be great fun.
Especially if we let the circlejerking lefty faggots on /mlp/ fanfiction general know we see the faults in the stories they hold up as examples of how everyone "Should" write. That'd piss off the egobabies and their fanclubs.
If you're looking for something shorter you could get done in one day, I found this
It's a list of all the Fallout Equestria stories separated into Shilled For By Equestria Daily, Complete, Incomplete, One-Shot, Cancelled, and Radio Play categories.
You can sort them by length, chapter count, etc.
So you can do anything from the 1,780,334 words of Project Horizons to the 1,193 words of Fallout Equestria - The Trip.

55e03 No.250437

File: 1573673974293-0.png (106.53 KB, 447x600, medium (1).png)

The sub chapter concludes with another Kinkade-esque scene where Nyx cuddles up next to Twilight in bed, complete with a paragraph about Twilight staring out the window and thinking about Nightmare Moon. Other than dropping in the obligatory 'You're a faggot, Peen Stroke,' we can probably skip this bit since I don't really have any complaints about it that I haven't voiced already about similar scenes.

So anyway, next we get a little more development of the main plot. Here, we cut to our shadowy secret organization that wishes to use LCIF for their nefarious, but yet unknown, purposes.

>The butler, Proper Etiquette, stepped back and opened the manor’s door wider, allowing the trio of ponies to slip inside.

Okay, I just want to take a minute to say that so far, Peen Stroke seems to really suck balls at thinking up pony names. "Proper Etiquette" isn't quite as bad as "Affluent Rich," but it just smacks of laziness. "Nyx" is an okay name I guess, and I like that he troubled himself to think up a backstory for where the name came from. "Spell Nexus" isn't terrible. However, it seems like any time he needs a name for an incidental background character, he just takes the first lazy thing that comes to mind and runs with it. What's something that goes with rich? Uh, "affluent", I guess. What do I call the butler? Well, butlers have proper etiquette so…I think I'll name him that. At least try to make it a pun or something. Personally I'd have named him Kurt Manners.

The rest of his OC names are okay, but fairly generic sounding. "Night Wind" sounds like something that happens when you eat too much pizza close to bedtime. "Gray Gale" sounds alright but doesn't really evoke any strong imagery. Same with "Stonewall." It's okay for a generic goombah tough guy character I guess, but it's not tremendously imaginative. His cutie mark, incidentally, is literally a stone wall. Like what the hell does that signify? Is he a mason of some kind? Is it to suggest that he's strong and dependable? Is his special talent protecting the inner bailey of a castle from invaders and absorbing missiles fired by trebuchets? I'll shut up now.

Anyway, we are once again introduced to Spell Nexus, the unicorn we met in the prologue, who was dressing up like Nightmare Moon and playing Skinny Puppy records in the woods. We see him now, sitting in his manor house without his makeup on, and we learn that apparently he is the headmaster of Celestia's school as well as some kind of highly placed royal advisor.

>“And not all of us have cushy jobs like you do,” Stonewall grumbled. “The commander is already suspicious of why I was late reporting in after what happened in Everfree. I’m skating on thin ice with the Town Guard.”

Okay, so I guess Stonewall is a guard. That basically makes sense I guess.

This scene actually demonstrates why I've been kvetching so much about all the mentions of Nightmare Moon by Twilight so far. This scene is fairly well placed in terms of pacing, but it lacks the oomph that it would ordinarily have, because this is not even close to being the first mention we've seen of the subject. The reader already knows that Nyx is Nightmare Moon reborn, so there's really no big reveal here. Obviously, the reader would probably be able to deduce Nyx's identity fairly easily one way or the other, but having Twilight be as aware of it as she is rather deflates the impact of this part of the story.

Ideally, the outline of the story so far should go something like this: spoopy prologue with spoopy ritual, Twilight finds filly in woods and takes her home, cute stuff happens with filly, pls diamn tira no bully filly, filly lost in woods cus bully, filly find castle and awaken ancient power, filly goes home with Twilight and denouement of mini-arc, cutaway to spoopy cult talking about Nighmare Moon. The only points on this outline where Nightmare Moon should even be mentioned at all are in boldface. Other than some incidental mention, like it might be necessary to have Twilight and Rarity briefly discuss the resemblance in order for things to make sense, the story in between the prologue and this second cult scene should focus entirely on Twilight and Nyx building their bond, as well as the mini-arc about Nyx getting bullied. The main plot of the story, about Nyx being NM reborn, is something that should be teased at in the beginning to get the reader interested, then set aside for a bit while you build the characters up. Then, at about this point in the story, you reintroduce the cult and have the main arc start picking up steam. If we've already heard about how Nyx looks like Nightmare Moon a billion different ways from Sunday, hearing it one more time isn't going to make things any more interesting.

Anyways, next we have a character named…Bastion Yorsets? What the shit? Is that his real name?

Okay, so, my first impression was that Peen Stroke was just drunk and mashing his keyboard when he came up with this name, but apparently he's referencing an existing background pony. The image he links to in the text (again, I'm not a huge fan of hyperlinks to outside content in story text) is broken, but some light googling turned up a bit of information. Apparently Bastion Yorsets is a fan nickname for a pony officially named Top Marks, who was one of the judges when filly Twilight was trying to hatch Spike. As to where the hell the name Bastion Yorsets came from, or what it means, I couldn't even begin to say. This is probably one of those in-jokes that you have to have been in the fandom a long time to get. If anyone knows more, feel free to share with the class.

Well, whatever. Bastion Yorsets gets woken up in the middle of the night by Princess Celestia visiting his room, but not for the reason he was probably hoping. Apparently he is the leader of a group researching the cult's spell, and I am running out of characters so to be continued.

55e03 No.250451

So anyway, Bastion whatever the fuck Yorsets is in bed whacking his fucking horse cock to dreams of Princess Celestia's thicc succulent plot, when who should appear at his door but Princess Celestia herself. Taking great pains to hide his massive throbbing boner, he lets her in. She exposes some plot to him, but not in the way that he was hoping for.

Apparently, Mr. Yorsets is the leader of a research group mentioned in the previous sub-chapter by the cult, which is conducting research on the spell used by the cult during the prologue.

>Celestia glanced up from her seat on Bastion’s couch, which was just large enough to support her larger stature.

If you want to call her fat, just say so.

Anyway, the premise for her showing up this late is a bit strange. She apologizes for arriving in the middle of the night unannounced, but apparently she wants a routine progress update on the work he is doing, which all logic would dictate is something that could easily wait until morning. I mean she is the ruler of Equestria and is probably used to just doing whatever the fuck she wants, but you'd think she'd have a little more common courtesy than this. Like if my boss wants to know how a project is coming along, he usually abides by the established custom of waiting until normal business hours to discuss it. If he's ringing my doorbell in the middle of the fucking night and expects me to answer, something damn well better be on fire.

The main thing we're supposed to take away from this scene, however, is that Celestia now knows (or suspects, at least) that the spell casting that she thought she'd interrupted in time had produced some kind of result, though she doesn't know what. Bastion-whatever-the-fuck is now tasked with investigating it.

>That is a very theoretical branch of magic, Princess. Incomplete spells have been known to do a variety of things, and some never do the same thing twice.

klaatu barada necktie.

Anway, the Princess thanks him for his time and gets up to leave. Oh shit, here we go. Looks like Bastion wants to know why the hell this couldn't have waited until morning.

>I have simply realized that I have not been providing your team with the materials it needs to analyze this spell quickly, and… I have also come to realize this evening that swiftness in this matter is of the utmost importance.

Aaaaaaand he punts. Looks like this question didn't occur to Peen Stroke until after he'd already written the scene, and rather than rewrite it, he decided to just toss in a weak explanation. I mean, let's face it, Bastion Deldickaroon is just going to go back to sleep anyway, and none of this is going to get dealt with one way or the other until everyone punches in tomorrow, so again there's really no reason she couldn't have just waited until morning and flagged him down in the hall or something. Well, whatever, it's not that huge a deal I guess.

Anyway, that is the end of chapter four. I am going to take a nap, and will probably be back in a few hours with some thoughts on the story so far.

677ce No.250497

"Oh, Danny. I'm going to take a nap."

d774f No.250517

FoE Starlight. The absolute worst fic that is taken seriously.

e2c8c No.250523

That name gave me a fucking brainblast PTSD flashback to a fic so bad I don't believe I'm remembering it correctly.
Is it the one where an OP Alicorn Mary Sue = who's sooo strong she can just rip the locks out of locked boxes to make her low lockpicking skill irrelevant - is the New Element Of Magic and works for the combination NCR and Followers Of The Apocalypse
even though the whole point of these factions were:
>NCR wants to "Bring America back" but it's full of corrupt cunts willing to exploit it. Brahmin barons, water barons, etc. also didn't fully execute every last Great Khan like they should have.
>Followers Of The Apocalypse is far too nice for its own good and only succeeds when the Player Character helps it. Undermanned, underequipped, stretched too thin and unwilling to cut corners/ropes.

210d4 No.250614

Review a few "episodes" of the a Lunaverse. It's like any parody soap opera TV series. Tons of filler, no ideas, shitty atmosphere, garbage prose, hateable characters.

Trixie and Luna are the good guys and the Mane6 are all bad guys. Except every character is unlikable and hated by the author for anything.
The background characters are part of the cast and have retard stereotypical personalities.
The author's first language isn't even English.
Raindrops is my most hated character for being the angry butch who nobody calls her out on her own bullshit and beats the living crap out of her. Instead she's presented as unfallible.

d774f No.250616

Yep. And with enough Inception-type narrative to make one nauseous reading.

e2c8c No.250620

I vaguely remember a story called "The life and times of a winning pony" or something, it's about an "Ethical Slut" kind of character. That Jewish "trope". You know, the modyrn female fantasy: Sucking a billion dicks and being a bar's walking fuckhole and best permanent fixture, being desired by everyone, while also having the right to beat up anyone who wants to fuck you and isn't up to your standards. At one point she gets into a barfight with Rainbow Dash and kicks RD in the cunt so hard it nearly debabies her for life.
This is, of course, one of the most popular brony fanfics of all time because bronies have no actual respect for any of these characters, hence why authors are fine with degrading canons for the sake of trashy OCs when the story's so full of crowdpleasing faggotry that it gets their faggy tiny dicks hard.
Fuck that story. Add that to the list of bullshit to burn…
Maybe we're overburdening Glimmy here. Perhaps this thread should focus on Nyx and we should make fic-destroying storytime a communal thing for another thread, where different users submit shitfics they want torn apart, others "claim" them and tear them apart while submitting different ones.
Then others could review your reviews of the shit fics.
Or we could assign a few chapters of Project Horizons each to all this site's different users, and we all review them in order. The characters are so cliche you can easily start halfway in and understand everything.

951c2 No.250621

>Maybe we're overburdening Glimmy here. Perhaps this thread should focus on Nyx and we should make fic-destroying storytime a communal thing for another thread
Couldn't have said it better myself

e2c8c No.250623

Also, "Sweetie belle infinite loops" or whatever it's called. It's about Sweetie Belle ripping off Fairly Odd Parents Channel Chasers except she hops between different popular fanfic worlds. She'll enter the Cupcakes world and kill psycho pinkie, enter the Rainbow Factory world and destrpy the factory, enter some "respected" fanfics world and converse casually with its most popular characters, enter a Pokemon crossover and become Pokémon champ overnight, etc.
Anyone else starting to find this "meta" fanfic shit tiresome? You can only beat a katana elf vampire mary sue plot armor cunt if you've got better skills/more power and more plot armor-fu. Discord snapping his god fingers to erase the lusted-after wish wulfillment oc god ploughing all 151 canon and fanon mares isn't exactly a thrilling fight scene. We already fucking agree bad fics are bad, only faggots disagree with that. Maybe I've been in these trenches for too long, but maybe fanfiction can only ever truly be a dick sucking itself off through its own anus.

392b1 No.250628

I 'member the story of Deep throat cock slut. At first a question on how ponies were named.
The solution their mothers named them at birth by way of seeing the future, or feeling the power of the forc- I mean harmony.

>Maybe we're overburdening Glimmy here. Perhaps this thread should focus on Nyx and we should make fic-destroying storytime a communal thing for another thread
Oh, yeah that's a good point…

e2c8c No.250642

Hey, Glim. What do you think of this "Fanfic Criticism Thread" idea?

677ce No.250648

I don't like to be honest famlam. We need less generals. They lead to stagnation. If there is a fanfic you or another person wants to review, there is nothing wrong with creating one. This board certainly got space for it.

a5e0a No.250653

I want to be a guy that tears these terrible fics twenty new assholes each but my life's too full of IRL bullshit right now, and I need to spend what little free time I have on productivity and self-improvement.
I could reserve one shit fic, but I'd be slow as hell finding time to review its chapters.

677ce No.250663

>but my life's too full of IRL bullshit right now
>I need to spend what little free time I have on productivity and self-improvement.
> I'd be slow as hell
Take your time. In fact focus on the tjhing you need to get done before doing this. Writing isn't fun afterall. It is not something one does for leisure. It is fun to have the final product but not funto spend your free time on.
I say to have a plan a few hours of free time at the end of your day so that you have something to look forward to while doing the things you should do during the day.
Therefore you should wait until you haave moe free time so that you can put an hour of it into this project. That way you still got free tiem for other things you like doing.
Take you time, these fics are not going anywhere and neither are we.

b15ce No.250696


55e03 No.250807

File: 1573856058940-0.jpeg (69.16 KB, 800x599, wp.jpeg)

Sorry, my "nap" wound up becoming a longer sleep than I'd thought, and I wound up playing vidya all night instead of writing.

So anyway, I think I've covered what I dislike about Peen Stroke's methods and approach adequately enough. What I'd like to do now is go back over the story so far and do something like what I did with Ch. 3, where I outline how I think events could have been made to play out, that would have more sense, had more emotional impact, and more effectively told the type of story that I think the author was trying to tell. What follows is a high-level outline of how I would probably tell this story if I were writing it.

One big thing I would make is eliminating Twilight's abduction. If all the cult needs is to make a small cut on her leg to get a small amount of blood, it would have been far easier to just obtain the blood through less potentially dangerous means. It's established later that the cult has agents in Ponyville, and could have employed one of them to sneak into Twilight's house at night and take a blood sample, or even have her randomly attacked by a "masked assailant" who would never be caught or connected to the cult. This information could be introduced later so as not to bog down the prologue with unnecessary details.

I think this would also help by not dragging the Person X character (from our LCIG story model from earlier) directly into events too early. She is still connected, but does not have as much direct knowledge of what is going on. The tradeoff here is that the dramatic impact of the prologue is lessened by removing the shock of a "live sacrifice" being a part of the ceremony. The image of Twilight being bound and gagged and dragged into the woods in the middle of the night has a fair amount of shock value that piques the reader's interest, which is important to do in the opening scenes of a story.

However, the way the text is currently written, the impact is blunted anyway since it's almost immediately revealed that Twilight is not going to be seriously hurt or killed in the course of the ritual. Spell Nexus basically just gives her a small cut on the leg and then lets her go. This not only deflates the impact of the scene, it also hurts the story logically. The cult obviously values secrecy and caution, but abducting Twilight makes her a witness, and letting her go makes her a liability. Peen Stroke basically writes himself into a corner here, as the logical thing for Spell Nexus to do would be to kill Twilight, which he is also quite capable of doing since he has her bound and gagged and restricted from using her magic. This would be a problem for a lot of very obvious reasons. It's also troublesome since Twilight's abduction is what ultimately alerts the guards and causes the ceremony to be broken up. A pony as intelligent as Spell Nexus is written as would have weighed the options here, realized that abducting Twilight is unnecessary overkill, and opted to just collect a blood sample through simpler means. Peen Stroke seems to instinctively realize all this, but rather than fix it by rethinking and rewriting the scene, he just keeps patching over his mistakes with a lot of "but then this happened and then this happened," which is just bad form.

So, to summarize, here is how I would do the prologue:

Scene opens in the woods. Spell Nexus is meditating with candles and doing his preparations. Describe the cult's costumes and ritual instruments vaguely rather than explicitly. Drop clues that suggest Nightmare Moon but don't mention her name directly. Don't explain to the reader what exactly the cult is doing in the woods, leave it mysterious. Leave out the Twilight gets abducted part, compensate for the lost excitement by building up the mystery of the ritual. Maybe have a lot of spoopy lights and green smoke and shit like that. Explicitly mention that the cult leader is using a vial of somepony's blood, but don't say whose or how it was obtained.

Let the tension build. Cult goes to the altar, sets up all their weird voodoo stuff. Spell Nexus chants, mention a "Queen" or whatever but again don't say Nightmare Moon, let the reader guess at it. As the spell is rising in intensity, the ceremony is suddenly broken up by Celestia's guards as is currently written. Spell Nexus, Gray Gale, Night Wind and the other important cult members escape, a few are captured. Casually name dropping the cult member characters who become important later is a good idea btw, so that should be left in.

Spell Nexus flees cursing Celestia and wondering at how she found out about the ritual. Leave out the shit about Zecora as it's an unnecessary digression (and won't make sense anyway if Twilight isn't abducted). Maybe the explanation is that the cult has a double agent in their midst who is feeding Celestia information. Maybe the guards just got lucky and went to investigate some random report they received that some freaks were out doing weird shit in the woods. Who knows. Leave it unexplained. It could factor in later as an important plot point, or it could just be left to the reader's imagination if it's not important. The reader doesn't need to know everything.

Aftermath: the guards are cleaning shit up. They talk to each other about how spoopy and weird the whole thing is. Maybe joke around a little about what kind of freaks and crazies would do this, but make sure there is still a feeling of unease in the air. Guards leave, the scene is forgotten, but end with the slow zoom on the little pulsating embryonic Nyx in the corner of the forest.

55e03 No.250816

File: 1573864457515-0.gif (83.18 KB, 250x126, c9a.gif)

Chapter 1:
Actually, not having Twilight abducted wrecks a fair amount of the early story, since it not only screws up the Rarity favor thing, it's the reason she ends up in the woods and meets Nyx in the first place. But, let's see what we can do with it.

Scene opens as before where Rarity is at Twilight's house. They are discussing something bad that happened to her, and clearly has Twilight shaken up. Twilight describes being attacked at random by somepony, who scratched her on the leg with some kind of strange looking knife and stole her bookbag. She's naturally freaking out and overreacting, because naturally it's traumatic being jumped and cut with a knife, and also because she had a bunch of rare books that Celestia loaned her in the bag, and she's terrified that the Princess will find out that she lost them. Something about the attack leaves her with an uneasy feeling too, as the knife looked ritualistic, maybe in a way that she subconsciously remembers from somewhere. Like maybe she saw an illustration of it in one of the books. Meanwhile Rarity is trying to calm her down and comfort her and talk her through her autism fit. She's sorry she didn't come sooner, she owes her a favor, blah blah blah slip that in somewhere. In this version of the scene though, note that I have shifted the agitation originally felt by Rarity onto Twilight.

Rarity leaves, but Twi is still agitated. The knife thing is still on her mind but mostly she's freaking out about the books. Spike meanwhile is starting to get annoyed because she keeps pacing around the house thinking out loud, and finally suggests that she use her locator spell to find the bookbag. Twilight thinks that's a brilliant idea and chides herself for not thinking of it sooner. She does the thing, and learns that her books are out in….the Everfree Forest? My, what a strange place for them to be.

Against Spike's admonitions, she decides to go into the forest alone to retrieve the books. Spoopy thunderclouds are gathering, wind is kicking up, everything is spoopy and foreboding. She discovers the bag lying in a little clearing, and it strikes her as passing strange that whoever stole the books just dumped them in the woods like this. Everything about this situation has her feeling uneasy. She opens the bag and checks to make sure they are still there; they all are. That makes the whole thing even weirder. Why would somepony attack her and steal her books and then just leave them? Well, the truth is, we don't know. It could be a bunch of reasons. Most likely, the cult agent that stole the books doesn't care about them and only did it so it would look like Twilight was randomly attacked. That pony still had the bookbag during the ritual, and left it when the guards came. The real explanation doesn't really matter, let the reader wonder about it.

Suddenly, rustle. Rustle rustle. What's that? Twilight is instantly on edge. It could be lions, or tigers, or bears…..oh my, it's just a cute little filly. Wait, that filly is pretty weird looking. And why is she in the Everfree by herself?

There should be two places, exactly two, in the story between the first appearance of Nyx and the point in Ch. 4 where the cult reappears, where Nightmare Moon should be mentioned by name. This is one of them. Twilight, for an instant, sees only the eyes, the black coat, the blue-purple whatever mane, and for a single terrifying moment thinks that Nightmare Moon has come back to Equestria. Then, a minute later, she realizes that this is crazy, that it's only a little filly, although the resemblance is certainly passing strange. She also notes that the filly is an alicorn which is definitely weird. She is leery that the filly might be some kind of creature or projection of the forest, but as she gets closer, it's clear that the filly is terrified and alone. Twilight doesn't know what to make of the situation, but she knows she can't leave a defenseless filly alone in the woods, so she takes her home with her.

Twilight gets home just as Spike is about to call the pony cops and have them start dredging the woods for purple unicorn bodies. She accurately predicts that he would probably just end up more agitated if he saw that she had brought some weird-looking alicorn filly with her from the Everfree, so she smuggles Nyx upstairs in a blanket or something. She tries to speak to the filly, but she seems downright scared of everything and doesn't seem to talk. Twilight tells [-]her manservant-/-] Spike to rustle up some fucking sandwiches already, and goes to give the filly a bath.

As I mentioned earlier, I would probably put some kind of funny scene here. The filly probably doesn't know what a bath is, and freaks out when Twilight attempts to dunk her in water. Twilight loses control of the situation, and filly goes rampaging through the house, eventually running into the kitchen where Spike is making sandwiches like a house nigger. This is how Spike learns that there is a strange alicorn filly living in the house.

Alternatively, you could still go the same route as what's in the text, and have a more subdued scene where Twilight simply gives the filly a bath and the filly complies. I personally think the chase scene would add humor and make the story more dynamic, but it's really author's choice here.

Anyway, once Twilight tells Spike the story, Spike's first inclination is to tell the Princess about the strange alicorn filly, but Twilight doesn't want to do that. She can't quite figure out why, but it doesn't seem like a good idea. Spike reluctantly agrees to help keep the secret. Again, Nightmare Moon should not be mentioned. I would also probably not have the filly talk at all in this chapter, just gestures and noises, but that is also author's choice. Once the situation is resolved, everyone goes to bed.

To be continued.

677ce No.250851

I haven't read these latest reviews but will. Don't think your reviews go unappricated, you nigger.

e96f4 No.250903

This. You would be a far better author than most but you would also be criminally underrated.

I like that kind of idea. I've been kind of busy but tearing into a fanfic is the perfect relaxing activity.

Do you mean the Sweetie Belle Chronicles? Imo it's alright though it delves into edge/pityporn territory with Sweetie having to be the mute janitor of an eldritch musician and of course is all about that fanservice with different dimensions. It's extremely long and I haven't gotten past the "hedge" part of the story; Sweetie hasn't felt like a Mary Sue to a major degree yet.

a5e0a No.250911

Yeah it gets worse. Also I nominate Games Pony Plays. Edgy trash where Twilight is kidnapped and turned into the Cartoon Supervillain kind of edgy cunt. Also Rainbow Dash gets taser-raped into turning evil. Rarity was raised as a killer and she acts girly to piss her dad off. Finally, The Stare becomes a magic nuke because of course this trashy war fic does that.

a5e0a No.251075

Hey OP are you doing ok?

a7d34 No.251091

Not OP, but I'd wager that beleaguering him with requests and almost-demands before he's even begun to finish this effort (which is ambitious and lengthy enough without adding to it) wasn't a good idea. Maybe appreciating the effort he has and may still give and not being needy about his response would be a better way to encourage his continued activity.
Or maybe he's busy. In either case, lurk moar.

55e03 No.251114

I'm still here. Don't worry, I have no intentions of abandoning this project. As I mentioned in an earlier post I've been doing NaNoWriMo so that's where my focus has been lately. I also work full time and I'm not always in the mood to read shitty MLP fanfiction on my days off. Expect more regular updates once the month is over.

I'll probably make another review post in a day or two.

a5e0a No.251150

Please don't gay, I'm showing concern for OP.
Also I call dibs on the original Fallout Equestria. It may take a while but I will tear this fic sixty new anuses and have a good time.
Now I just need to decide upon a tone. I could be a boring dry academic or an inconsistently sarcastic kind of guy but this Firstname "I'm super gay and in favor of sucking massive penis" Lastname thing is funny as hell. Could take a "Character reviews the story along with special guests" approach but I never liked those, the "x feels underutilized and inadequate in this arc and in the next arc the God of Bad Writing comes to fight the Nostalgia Critic" story arcs are gay. Could MST3K this with friends but then we'd laugh half the time and make this a podcast.
Could take the podcast route to save time then write out full "my thoughts on the chapter"s afterwards, Soundcloud isn't going full retard like youtube and twitch right?

677ce No.251155

I been thinking that you >>251114 perhaps should move on to making review videos like E;R. Btw, check E;Rs vids out. This is not a request.
But seriously, have you ever though of making something like that. A reviewing channel for books or whatever. I could see you succeeding at it.

55e03 No.251420

File: 1574363345698.png (34.48 KB, 256x171, dv4e-1446326781-297558-med….png)

I did watch a couple of his videos, I was very highly amused by them. I've toyed with the idea of doing a YouTube channel for a while, and I may yet. As I've said before, time investment is kind of an issue for me, and videos tend to be more complicated to produce than writing imageboard posts, but I think I could manage it. I've also toyed with the idea of starting a blog for book and media reviews, and maybe some politics on the side. I'll see how it goes. It would probably be after the new year if I get any of this stuff off the ground.

Continuing with my alt-synopsis of how I would write the story.

Chapter 2:

This part of the story should mostly focus on Twilight and Spike adjusting to the idea of having Nyx living in their home, and Nyx adjusting to life in general. In our LCIG anime model, this is usually the point in the story where the childhood friend/girl next door character figures out that Person X has a strange girl/robot/alien life form living in his house with him, and proceeds to get involved. In this story, Rarity mostly assumes this role. Basically, this is the part of the story where Chi goes shopping for underpants.

I'd probably nix :^) the bit at the beginning where it talks about Spike and Twilight's habit of taking turns making breakfast, and replace it with another lighthearted funny scene that illustrates their day to day life. Spike is trying to make breakfast. He still instinctively distrusts Nyx and although he isn't openly hostile to her the way other characters are, he's a bit cold to her and has little patience for her endless stream of questions about mundane bullshit. At the moment, he's trying to cook something, and like everything else he does, probably takes the act of cooking way too seriously, especially when doing it in front of others. I'd probably dress him up in a chef's hat and a frilly apron for lulz. Anyway, Nyx keeps bothering him, asking questions about cooking and probably a lot of other random bullshit on the side. As is typical for her, she is just being naturally curious and is oblivious to the fact that Spike is getting annoyed with her.

As I mentioned, I rather like the little background bit about Nyx of the Night, so I would probably leave that in. However, I would drop all the stuff with Twilight musing about resurrection spells and all that, as it shifts the story's focus away from where it is supposed to be right now. Twilight is, however, beginning to realize that she can't just keep Nyx locked up inside the tree indefinitely, and that she's going to need to find some way to integrate Nyx into the fabric of society until she can figure out what to ultimately do about her.

Since obviously a strange alicorn filly walking around the neighborhood would turn heads, she decides to take the sensible step of calling in her friend Rarity's favor and see if she can't just nigger-rig some kind of disguise for her.

The next scene, where Twilight brings Nyx to Rarity's boutique, is probably the best-written part of the story so far and I would actually make few changes from what is written. I mentioned earlier that there are exactly two places between the prologue and the point in the story where the cult reappears where Nightmare Moon should be explicitly mentioned, and this is the second place. So far the only two ponies who have seen Nyx in her undisguised form are Twilight and Rarity, both of whom fought Nightmare Moon. Since Nyx is pretty much the spitting image of NM, the fact that each of them would immediately notice this about her is something that logically has to be addressed. However, at this point in my version of events, neither Twi nor Rarara knows anything about the resurrection cult or the spell, so it makes the most sense to just deal with it as briefly as possible and move on.

Twilight brings the strange filly into the shop. Rarity initially has the same reaction that Twilight did and freaks out about the NM resemblance. However, Twilight calms her down and explains the situation. Rarity is sympathetic to Twilight's plight and although she's curious about the resemblance, the filly seems nice and harmless enough, so she agrees to make the filly an outfit, to back up Twilight's story about Nyx being her cousin from out of town, and to keep the truth between them for now. Come to think of it, the whole "Rarity owes Twilight a favor" angle could potentially be dropped, since Twilight isn't asking anything tremendously unreasonable of her and she would probably agree to most of this anyway. Most of the argument between them in the original text could be dropped since we're downplaying the NM angle.

I wouldn't make any significant changes to the next two scenes beyond what I've mentioned already. Rarity makes Nyx an outfit, then Twilight has to go out and buy new glasses, and in the meantime Rarity teaches Nyx to drink tea. These are both well written scenes that build a relationship between Nyx and Rarity, and help to endear the reader to Nyx.

As I've said in detail already, there's no reason for Nyx to need to meet the other Mane 6 ponies, so I would omit these introductions. The scene with Pinkie Pie I actually rather like, and I think adding a standard "Pinkie throws a party welcoming the author's OC to Ponyville" clause to the story logically takes care of introductions anyway. However, I would just have Twilight and Nyx bump into Pinkie on the way home from Rarity's and start the scene from there, or maybe set it up by having Twilight decide to take Nyx to Sugar Cube Corner for a treat.

This concludes Chapter 2. For how I would re-write Chapter 3, please see >>249979 .

55e03 No.251425

File: 1574367349803.jpg (39.46 KB, 480x396, 683516903ce277f5b085200ab0….jpg)

It's worth noting at this point that the way I laid out events for Chapter 3 in >>249979 has a lot of things going on at once, and that story arc could potentially be broken up into multiple chapters. Though to make things easer to follow I'll stick to Peen Stroke's basic chapter structure, I'm thinking of this redesign more in terms of story arcs than in terms of chapters. The events from the beginning of Ch. 1 through the reappearance of the cult in Ch. 4 would basically constitute a single story arc, which begins with Twilight adopting Nyx as her pretend cousin and proto-daughter, rises in action with a story about Nyx going to school, getting bullied and making friends, and ultimately reaches its climax when Nyx gets lost in the woods and ends up at the Castle of the Two Sisters, where she experiences her Nightmare Moon persona for the first time. This naturally segues into the next arc which (I'm assuming, since I haven't read it yet) deals more with the main plot of the story, which is about Nyx's identity crisis and the cult trying to abduct her for ¡SCIENCE!

My purpose in redesigning the story in this way is not simply to shit on Peen Stroke or to arrogantly proclaim that I could write his story better though I probably could :^). Rather, I wanted to illustrate a version of the story that plays out more logically and has more emotional impact on the reader, and also does a better job of adhering to the story format Mr. Stroke appears to have either consciously or subconsciously chosen to follow, which is the LCIG who is actually an all-powerful being from beyond the stars meets Person X and befriends them trope.

Were Peen Stroke to ever seriously solicit my advice about a rewrite, these are the two important points that I would absolutely insist he incorporate:

>Nightmare Moon should not be explicitly mentioned except at the two points I indicated

I know I keep returning to this time and time again, but it's important. Even though they are technically the same person (pony, whatever), Nyx and NM are two different characters: Nightmare Moon, the evil queen that the cult was trying to resurrect, and Nyx, the filly reborn with her soul and karma. Nyx's relationship to NM is one of conflict, and the two of them will ultimately need to struggle over which one of them controls the body and soul of Nyx.

This is the central theme of the story. Basically, this is a Man-versus-himself story in which the central protagonist must confront elements in himself (herself, whatever) that he wishes to escape from but are inextricably linked to his character. As any competent writer will tell you, you don't just drop the central theme into the beginning of the story with no buildup whatsoever. Also, this is Nyx's struggle, not Twilight's, so it makes little sense to have Twilight be the one having a crisis of conscience over it.

Furthermore, the initial arc of the story is about Nyx, not Nightmare Moon. NM's presence within Nyx should be alluded to or foreshadowed but not mentioned explicitly, since she won't be important until later. Incidentally, by having Twilight and Rarity mention and discuss the resemblance, but not make a big deal out of it, it becomes foreshadowing, since now the reader is introduced to the NM character who appears later in the story even though they don't really know who she is yet. Remember, even stories set in established worlds should be treated as if you are building the entire thing from the ground up. Assume the reader has never watched an episode of MLP in their life. What is in the show a well-known piece of canon is here an obscure bit of backstory, to be slowly revealed over time.

>Twilight cannot be witness to any part of Nyx's revelation at the Castle of the Two Sisters

As written, the story has Twilight rushing to the Castle to find Nyx appearing fully as NM, crying her eyes out about the scawwy things Nightmare Moon's evil soul made her think. Twilight immediately lurches into an inner conflict between her feelings for Nyx the filly and her fear of Nightmare Moon. As I mentioned above, the central conflict here is between Nyx and Nightmare Moon, not Twilight and Nightmare Moon. Twilight will eventually be involved due to her relationship with Nyx, but it is far too early for her to be a part of it yet. At present, this is Nyx's internal struggle, and it's a burden she needs to bear alone.

She should meet the spirit of Nightmare Moon in the castle, and regain some of her memories here, and realize that in a past life she was a bad bad pony who did bad bad pony things. She should feel all the fear and sadness that Peen Stroke has her feeling here. However, when Twilight finds her, she should be in her Nyx form, lying in the center of the room and crying. Twilight should not recognize her as being any Nightmare Moonier than she was before. She should assume that she is crying because she's scared from being lost in the woods, not because the ancient ghost living inside her just woke up. Nyx should decide to keep the experience to herself, partly because she doesn't really understand what happened anyway, and partly because she's afraid of losing Twilight's friendship were Twilight to discover the dark thoughts/memories she just had about her.

677ce No.251445

File: 1574381146926.jpg (200.96 KB, 1280x720, 1574014416593.jpg)

I don't usually don't try to adhere to formulas but I understand that they exist for a reason. In this case, as you say, this story follows the trope(s) to a T.
I think the reason he falls into this mistake if because he has this formula subconciously in his head and he lets his emtions guide him in his writing. This means that this already established but vague formula feels right to him so he doesn't actually think about why he is writing it.
This is why people who write from the seat of their pants or whatever, can get their writing to feel so real. Because what they do is that they take a premise and takes it to its logical conclusion. They calculate from the best of their ability and if they can resist their own biases they can possibly simulate every believeable secnerios.
>A cat and a mouse are friends.
>But cats eats mice?
>So therefore the cat eats the mouse.
>Then he gets depressed because he ate his friend.
The fact that the cat eatxs mice gets adressed instead of a having something more contrived happened like them not having a single problem with this.
I say this while, I myself, is aiming to be a complete planner. I think for many reasons it suits me better. But that means I'll have to plan everything from the the start.
I think there is a problem to have a structure that is too loose.
If think that is the biggest problem to be honest.
If you have a plan that covers everything, all the bases and everything than that is good. And if your story is spwaned through snowballing that is also good. Or both of these methods seem to me to give good result. Just a hunch. I think, that it is when you have a loose plot outline that you begin to encounter problems. The problem being that when you get there to a already outlined plotpoint you will have added details that weren't in the original outline. So now you will either scrap the rest of the outline or force your story in the direction you want it to go.
Obviously, maybe the way you force your story in the way you want it to go works fine but it can also come off as contrived.

Anyway, I liked these posts.

677ce No.251446

*very believable scenerios

677ce No.252305

File: 1575303863493.png (809.84 KB, 1280x1775, 1570572607452.png)

>Nightmare Moon should not be explicitly mentioned except at the two points I indicated
The resemblence between them and the very direct way they adress it in the story is so dumb that it is hard to deal with. I don't know if you wrote this or somebody in the riff fic but as whomever said, "If she wasn't then this whole story would be kinda boring." Imagine if itturned our Nyx had not been Nightmare Moon after being band in the head with it for so long. I would have suck ass and even people who are/were fans of it would dislike that tiwst be cause it would have just wasted everybody's time.
>Remember, even stories set in established worlds should be treated as if you are building the entire thing from the ground up.
This is rule you have come up with, which I a bit unsure of. I don't really see why it has to be this way. Yes, sometimes this can be helpful especially if you have longrunning series with a bunch of stuff in it. It is helpful then to explain things that not every fan is aware of. Like there are over a hundred of mlp episodes if this is a character who comes up in one of them then recaping that isn't wrong. However, if I won't explain to the reader who Celestia is. If they don't know, then read up on it.
I even think this way about sequels. So long as the story functions people who haven't read the first books will be satisfied and even if know about who this character is, is vital to understanding the plot, I think, that people cane infer all they need from how the character act in relation to him.
I guess, one can go about this in different ways. It is more a personal biasone my behalf from seeing so many recap episodes of series and to have to watch a recap before an epsiode. The episodes and seasons becomes shorter because of all this reccapping of epsiodes, that anyone who can, will watch on their own.
I don't know much about music myself. I can't even get my head around of how anyone can create music. So I'm really fascinated by music and musicians. But you proabably know more than me on music since I don't understand it at all. Saw this vid like just before you posted this post and I have been meaning to ask you what your opinion about this vid.

677ce No.252306

657fc No.252332

are you still doing this?

55e03 No.252454

Yes, I am. Sorry for the lack of updates. As I said earlier I was participating in NaNoWriMo this month and I wanted to focus on getting my novel done, so I back-burnered this project for a while. Now that it's December I will be resuming doing reviews again. I'm going to try to do at least two or three posts on Thursdays, with probably a few sprinkled throughout the week in between.

Thank you all for your patience and continued interest.

677ce No.252458

File: 1575401743392.jpg (90.41 KB, 600x468, lolwut.jpg)

No worries, obviously.
>I'm going to try to do at least two or three posts on Thursdays
That is great and all, but take your time and write whenever you feel like it.
But I do look forward to this thread's continuation.

8236f No.252536

Patriotic Americans who thought that they would resist if tyranny ever came to the US must feel powerless now.

Not only have the evil elites turned the USA into a police state, Americans are eagerly embracing their slavery.


Dropout immediately. Quit paying taxes. Leave the US. Kill the system.

Every minute this tyranny continues makes the police state more permanent.

89f30 No.252537

File: 1575507985908.png (2.32 MB, 5000x5000, 8f3.png)

c6d1a No.252574

Some of us have been bemoaning this terrible state of affairs for years!

Matters NOT what letters a candidate has by his/her name, or what "party" they align with - it's all the bloody damned same - every QFS (Quadriennial-Freak-Show) we experience. This once-proud 'nation' has been going shitty for a very long time!

Welcome to the up-and-coming Halaka, complete with another edition of a "Holocaust" (Ritual burning by fire). Whitey is as good as toast, because he forgot the important lessons learned from his Great Norse Elders from the times of old.

The Nordic Peoples are on their way out, and by their OWN hands be done with!

That's what happens when too many absolutely STUPID people are allowed to procreate and pollute a once genetically-strong population with their weakened and decrepit traits!

May the Alfather see not the failure of His doing, for it was not He who hath failed, but WE who have failed Him.

After many centuries of being driven to near-extinction, only to come back to full life when backs were towards the seas, the monstrous hordes fought back to the sandy deserts of the Far East, - only to be defeated through trickery and ignorance - that our numbers quietly die, silently into night.

Take my words as harsh as they bear truth to the reality, I speak to truth to political power, because I just don't give two shits out of a rat's ass less what "society" says is right or wrong, because "society" itself is full of SHIT!

Until WE all realize the horrible predicament we are in, and stand tall against those who seek to erase our rightful and divine existence from this world, and until we have the god-damned BALLS to actually DO something about it all - We simply don't stand a snowball's chance in Hell in the middle of Summer, to make any difference.

Fuck this sham "impeachment", fuck the phony (s)elections, fuck the economy, and fuck all the phony bullshit that so many think is "reality". We're in the matrix, baby! Time to bust out of it, or die on our knees begging for "mercy".

- JZ(Name fagging, you new here nigger? )

4081a No.252579

>he has a dick so he's a mary sue!!!!!11!!!1! #YuriLivesMatter ;_;

d0872 No.252586

Anon often is written as a genuine Mary Sue though. What else do you call an author self-insert who effortlessly becomes best-friends-with-benefits with the author's favorite ponies? Of course not every writefag is guilty of it, but there are countless AiE stories out there that do this.

55e03 No.252597

File: 1575594886050.jpg (496.14 KB, 2000x1629, 1564044876624.jpg)

This is all lovely and probably true enough, but please don't shit up my thread with it.

Alright, I forget where the hell I left off with this. As I recall, I had just created an alternate synopsis of the events of the first three chapters. I'll be doing these at periodic intervals throughout the story probably as it progresses. For now, though, I'd like to continue on with:

Chapter 5: Theatrical Trouble

The chapter opens with Nyx, predictably, sitting by herself and crying. The reason she is crying as if she needed a reason is because apparently on top of DT and SS's stunt, Twilight is now being weird to her because something something Nightmare Moon. I hate to sound like a broken record, but I really think that Peen Stroke made a serious mistake by having Twilight witness Nyx's NM transformation this early on in the story, in much the same way it was a mistake to focus so much on the NM aspect of Nyx in the first place.

With the first six paragraphs of this chapter he also falls back into the habit of summarizing and explaining rather than demonstrating Nyx's situation through anecdotes and scenes. For instance:

>Yet, during the first few days after the forest incident, things were different at the library. Twilight had been avoiding her. She was trying to hide it, had tried to tell Nyx that she was just imagining things, but Nyx knew things were different. Twilight kept looking at her with this weird expression, like she was looking through her and expecting to find some monster.


>Over the few days she had been back, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon had become unbearable. Diamond’s father, Filthy Rich, had grounded her for what she did, and now she was doing everything in her power to get back at Nyx. They had spread nasty rumors around the school, picked on Nyx openly, and even tried to frame her for putting a tack on Cheerilee’s desk chair.

In his defense, this is actually a rather easy trap to fall into. It's common for a story to jump forward in time quite a ways from one scene to another, and sometimes the writer feels a need to update the reader on what went on during the interim. While it is sometimes necessary to convey important information this way, you generally want to do this as little as possible. Peen Stroke, I notice, does it constantly; as I said, the first six paragraphs of this chapter are basically a synopsis of what has happened since Chapter 5 ended. This is a bad habit to get into.

The other problem here is that a lot of what he's glossing over is fairly important to the development of his character relationships. The incident in the forest has Twilight acting differently toward Nyx now, and Nyx has noticed and is depressed about it. That's fairly important to the story. Wouldn't it be better to demonstrate that by having a scene in which Nyx and Twilight interact, and have Twilight behaving more coldly toward Nyx than she has in the past, rather than just starting with this scene of Nyx on the swingset thinking about how Twilight has been cold to her?

The same goes for DT/SS. The reader can probably assume that the situation hasn't changed much between Nyx and her two bullies, and if anything has probably gotten worse. It can be effectively demonstrated by putting Nyx in a scene with the two of them and having these interactions play out directly. The incident in which she is falsely accused of sabotaging Cheerilee's desk chair would work for this, actually.

The only really appropriate time to use this type of summarization is when something happens between Scene A and Scene B that is essential to the story, and the reader would need to know about it in order to understand the events of Scene B. It's also worth noting that if you're writing something and you find yourself having to do this a lot, it's usually an indicator that you might want to rethink how you have your scenes and your timeline arranged.

Anyway, the scene opens with Nyx alone on the swingset. The CMC + Twist approach and ask what's wrong.

I actually want to take a minute and give Peen Stroke a tip o' the hat for something he does here that, while relatively minor, demonstrates writing competence. As we established earlier, Nyx's primary friends at school are Apple Bloom and Twist, with a particular focus on AB. While Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle are friends of AB and presumably acquaintances of Nyx, they don't have the same sort of close relationship that Nyx has with AB. In this scene, Nyx is approached by all four, but Peen Stroke has Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle exit the scene, allowing it to focus on the more intimate group of Nyx, AB and Twist. This is the proper way to handle this. It makes logical sense for the CMC to be together during recess since they are friends, but Scoot and SB would be dead weight on this scene. Peen Stroke mentions that they are present, and then has them make a graceful exit fairly quickly, allowing the scene to progress unhindered. This is the kind of thing he should have done earlier with the mane 6.

As another quick aside, I feel as if the Pinkie Promise a little overused in this story. We've had it referenced several times now, and I'm not sure how likely Apple Bloom is to even be that familiar with it. It's something she could have picked up from her older sister I suppose. In this particular scene, it's part of a little gag that takes place, so maybe it makes sense here. It's not that huge a deal I guess, but I have noticed it appearing quite frequently in the text.


Seriously nigger, cut this shit out. This isn't a political thread. Start your own thread, it's not hard to do.

55e03 No.252603

File: 1575601053432.png (2.06 MB, 1200x811, 1556462657889.png)

Anyway, after the Pinkie Pie gag, a bizarre conversation follows. Nyx begins sputtering about how she keeps having thoughts about hurting Twilight and shooting up the school, and how she wants the voices in her head to stop. AB and Twist respond to this by telling her it's nothing, and that she should just relax and have fun by swinging on the swingset.

The scene ends, and we cut to Twilight. Once again, Peen Stroke spends entirely too much time summarizing things and narrating Twilight's thoughts. In particular, we have this rather weird, dense paragraph:

>School itself had been going better as well. After Twilight’s confrontation with Diamond Tiara’s parents and a few other altercations between the fillies at school, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon started going to Cheerilee’s afternoon class, which in turn let two other students move to the morning class. Nyx hadn’t really had a chance to meet or talk to Dinky Doo or Pipsqueak, but Twilight was just happy with the fact that Nyx didn’t have to deal with Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon on a daily basis anymore.

Okay, several things here. First off, I could be misunderstanding what this paragraph is trying to say, but the information here seems to contradict what we've already been told about the school situation. In the previous scene we are informed that DT/SS are inside the school house, being held back from recess because Cheerilee found out they had put a tack on her seat and then tried to blame Nyx. Nyx is even specifically concerned that they might have been allowed out onto the playground and are going to pick on her some more. The implication seems to be that she is still having to interact with them on a daily basis. Here, we are informed that DT/SS are in a different class now and Nyx doesn't have to deal with them anymore. Which is it?

Second, what is the significance of Nyx not being able to interact with Dinky Doo and Pipsqueak? Neither of these characters have been mentioned before now. If I'm understanding it correctly, the implication is that DT/SS switched from the morning to the afternoon class, with Pipsqueak and Dinky moving from the afternoon to the morning to balance it out. Presumably this was done to mitigate the conflict between DT/SS and Nyx. The key issue, especially from Twilight's perspective, is the bullying; it's not particularly important whether Nyx makes friends with the two new ponies who transferred so long as the bullying stops. It just seems like an odd thing to mention.

Third, this all seems to completely contradict what was said in the previous subchapter. We were previously told that Nyx's school situation had not only not improved but actually gotten worse. We are now being told that her situation has improved. It's also strange that, while the previous subchapter deals with Nyx's concern that Twilight has been acting differently towards her since the Castle incident, here we have Twilight behaving normally, attending to chores and casually worrying about Nyx's social problems at school. Ironically, as much as Peen Stroke likes to have Twilight constantly obsess over the whole Nyx/Nightmare Moon thing, he decides to have her stop doing it at precisely the point where it's weird for her not to.

I suppose it's possible that this is being done to illustrate a difference between Twilight's perspective and Nyx's. Maybe he wants us to see that Nyx is having all this inner conflict and turmoil, and thinks that Twilight hates her now, while Twilight's feelings towards Nyx haven't changed. That would be a potentially interesting angle if that's what he's doing. However, it doesn't feel that way to me. I guess I'll keep reading and see how it goes.

In any event, I feel like bringing up all this stuff about DT/SS switching from the morning to the afternoon is unnecessary, and unless I've completely misinterpreted it, it's a glaring continuity error. Even if it isn't, this is just needless information; it overcomplicates the story without really adding anything to it. If I were in Peen Stroke's position I would just chop the paragraph that is greentexted above.

Anyway, next, we have Nyx bursting in, and excitedly babbling about how the school is going to be putting on a play. This is rather jarring, as it has absolutely nothing to do with any of what's been discussed in the chapter so far, and there was no real lead up to it. Perhaps instead of wasting so much time summarizing contradictory narratives about Nyx's school life across two subchapters, Peen Stroke might have written a scene in which this fact was mentioned. Really, a classroom scene in which Cheerilee brings up the play and the students discuss it might have been a better thing to focus on than the conversation between Nyx and AB/Twist that we had in the previous subchapter.

Applejack suddenly bursts into the library and tells Twilight that she is having plant problems. Twilight runs off to help Applejack, leaving Nyx alone in the library. Nyx says she's going to try to find a story to use for the school play, and her eye is drawn to the book that Twilight was just reading. The book in question is the story of…….Nightmare Moon. Well shit, I'm sure we all know where this is going.

I'm going to make another prediction:

The play goes off without a hitch and absolutely nothing bad happens. Nyx earns her cutie mark in stagecraft, and the rest of the story is about her moving to Manehattan and starting a theater troupe. Then, Ponyville explodes for some reason. The end.

89f30 No.252604

File: 1575601443895.jpg (44.34 KB, 1280x720, panic.jpg)

>Anthrocon 2019

677ce No.252606

File: 1575604106547.jpg (72.7 KB, 532x671, 1570858006586.jpg)

>The two contradictory summarize of events
I think the first one is true and the second one also just that the second one is more like an update on the situation. Nyx had problems with DT and SS but this has changed recently. While my mind thinks of the only confrontation Twilight has had with DT's parents, which was before the castle incident; I don't think that is the event that Pen Stroke was refering to here, " After Twilight’s confrontation with Diamond Tiara’s parents and a few other altercations between the fillies at school, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon started going to Cheerilee’s afternoon class, which in turn let two other students move to the morning class." Instead I think he was refering to a scene that happens inbetween the first summarizion of events and this one that happens "Off Camera."
It is bad either way though so who cares but it is a theory.

Your prediction:
From what I remember, you are actually right and nothing bad happens. It won't be too long after the play that something happens (here's a clue: Nyx changes).. Don't remember how long after though.

89f30 No.252615

File: 1575612485277.png (56.09 KB, 339x316, 85-be96-2f1ee8c164dc.png)

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