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File: 1571950524626-0.gif (218.81 KB, 224x168, cannot be shim shammed.gif)

File: 1571950524626-1.png (97.38 KB, 580x365, infinite dab.png)

55e03 No.248482[View All]

Greetings. I have chosen to once again revive my neverending review series. With all of the Nyx posting that has been going on lately, I felt it appropriate to begin with a deep-dive into the fic that apparently began this massive shitflinging war. Also, I think this one was suggested to me a couple of times.

As such, I will now begin my dissection of:

Past Sins
by Pen Stroke

I will preface this by saying that while I have never read this fic before, I know it by reputation and I have a general idea what it's about. I have no particular opinion on Nyx and I have not been in this fandom long enough to understand exactly why she inspires as much butthurt as she does. However, with luck and perseverance, by the time I have absorbed and digested all 201,810 words of this epic, hopefully I will understand.

So, let's begin with some first impressions. As I mentioned already, holy shit this fucking thing is 201,810 words long. This makes it slightly more than double the length of the last long thing I reviewed, which as I'm sure everyone recalls was Silver "Starpunch" Apple and the Search for Spock's Cock, written by one of this board's very own beloved residents. Even though it was only the first six chapters, reading and analyzing it was quite a project. For the sake of comparison, the English translation of The Iliad is only 148,045 words, and War and Peace is approximately 500,000. So, without even reading a word of Past Sins, we already know that this piece of edgy pony fiction written by some sperg on the internet, in terms of length and time commitment, has already topped Homer and is about halfway to beating Tolstoy. Can it stand up to the Nigel test? We'll see.

Judging by its reception on fimfiction, this fic seems to have been very positively received. It currently has a ratio of 11,642 likes to 377 dislikes. However, considering that fimfiction.net has a reputation for being a giant circlejerk, that doesn't necessarily mean anything. The response to this fic on chans and within the fan community in general seems to be more lukewarm. In any event, however, I would say that it is a testament to the abilities of Mr. Stroke that his opus is still able to provoke controversy 7 years after its original publication. I'm actually looking forward to plowing through this.

Prelude: Resurrection

>Amidst dim candlelight, a single unicorn sat with his head bent down, eyes shut. He sat alone at the edge of a still pond, his reflection dancing in the water. The pond was nestled deep within the Everfree Forest, where the darkened trees with their gnarled branches surrounded all sides like silent sentinels.


>While most of Equestria had just shifted into spring, the Everfree was still gripped by clinging bits of winter. Snow covered the ground, and there was a lingering chill in the air. The unicorn’s hot breath left puffs of steam to curl and rise for a few seconds before disappearing into the night.


The first thing that I notice about this is that it was clearly written by someone who actually knows what he's doing. Unfortunately that's going to take some of the fun out of this. However, it also means that I will be able to spend less time pointing out bad grammar and continuity errors, and focus more heavily on pacing, character building, literary themes, etc. It also appears that Pen Stroke had some assistance with editing and revision, so I'm assuming that this is a polished final draft and not just something that some autist typed into a text box and then posted without reading it. Naturally, I'm not thinking of any specific author when I bring that up. Ahem. So, in any event, I am going to read this work as if I were reading a published book by a professional author, and will criticize it as such.

>For a long while, the unicorn had sat in utter silence on the edge of the pond with only a few nearby candles for company. The light from the tiny, flickering flames fell upon his coat and mane, which had been dyed from its natural color to a pitch black. Even his cutie mark had been covered by the dyes, his flank appearing utterly blank.


The second thing I notice about this is holy shit the edge. Based on what I've heard about it that's more or less what I was expecting, but really this is already shaping up to be one of the edgiest things I've read all year. So far I'm envisioning Pen Stroke as being someone who wears a lot of mascara and probably reads way too much Poe.

>A single blood-red leaf detached itself from the gnarled finger of a nearby tree and drifted slowly downwards, the final ember of the previous autumn burning itself out at last. Pale and ghostly moonlight drifted through the murky sky, illuminating the unicorn's face as he gazed mournfully into the reflecting pool. Haunting strains of Disintegration by The Cure echoed throughout the forest. The unicorn gazed sadly at the image of his worn, weathered face, that face which had seen so much torment, so much death. "Sadness," proclaimed the unicorn. "Infinite sadness."


Okay, that one was me. But you get the point.

>Yet, as he took in another deep breath, hoofsteps began to echo across the trees.


Alright, I know that I said I was going to try to avoid nitpicking small things the way I usually do, but this sentence naggles me. I can forgive "hoofsteps," since anyone writing in this universe invariably has to grapple with the fact that all of his characters are going to be horses performing more or less human actions. However, I'd like to point out that sound in a forest doesn't really echo across trees, in fact that phrasing doesn't even make sense. Furthermore, unless the ground out here is paved or otherwise rocky, the "hoofsteps" are probably not going to echo so much as softly thud. Even taking into account the fact that it's winter, and the ground is therefore probably hard, you still probably won't get much of an echo.
141 posts and 40 image replies omitted. Click reply to view.

f4e15 No.250096

>>250077
Trip and avatarfagging is acceptable if you're providing a form of content, and this is a form of content. I also think you should see this through because, if you're learning from this as you say, there's some solid shit later on around how he does the climax and resolution that I'd be pretty interested in seeing your thoughts on.

Also you're entirely correct about the "editors", the current version isn't actually all that different from the original, there's minor technical changes, and the rewrite it did go through was to make it conform to season 2 canon, but it's otherwise exactly the same. I wouldn't expect any kind of rewrite now, though, it's been years and Past Sins is actually in print, so it couldn't be rewritten without making a lot of rubes who actually bought the book very angry.

392b1 No.250097

Well Glim Glam you steam a good critique. While I am here just for the entertainment, seeing exactly what makes a story story tick is a fun pastime. Perhaps even I could learn to provide quality feedback one day.
>I have also found that many of the things I shit on others for doing are things that I do all the time, and I've learned how to watch out for a lot of them and avoid doing them.
To improve is a noble goal.
>>250096
>Past Sins is actually in print, so it couldn't be rewritten without making a lot of rubes who actually bought the book very angry.
Hunh, didn't know that.

55e03 No.250099

Thanks for the feedback to everyone who posted. I think what I'm probably going to do for now is just continue with Past Sins, because I actually am rather enjoying tearing into it, but I will probably try to move a little faster and not do as much line-by-line greentext quoting as I've been doing, since as Nigel pointed out I'm probably just going to end up repeating myself a lot if I do it that way. No promises, though.

Reading back over some of what I've done so far, I think I agree with Sven that >>249971 and >>249979 contain observations that are more interesting to read than just constant nitpicking of the details of the text. I actually rather enjoyed doing the summary for an alternate version of events for chapter 3, and might try to do that for more of the story. Since it sounds like a lot of the future chapters are just going to be more of the same, rather than spend my time complaining about the same things over and over, I might try to present more examples of different ways I think the story could have been constructed had Peen Stroke been less of a faggot.

f4e15 No.250102

>>250099
You are still obligated to call Peen Stroke a faggot every time Nyx is referred to as Nightmare Moon.

55e03 No.250103

>>250102
That is a sacred obligation I fully intend to adhere to.

a2ef1 No.250114

>>250077
I for one will never read Past Sins, so I doubly appreciate your efforts in both absolving me of any niggling doubt and for giving me a rundown in an entertaining manner. By all means, please continue and nice pair of dubs.

55e03 No.250115

File: 1573371263669.jpg (862.92 KB, 2500x2500, 1573186036537.jpg)

>>249984
Okay, so I know that I literally just said I was going to avoid a lot of greentexting and nitpicking small details, but I want to do the exact opposite of that for a minute in order to point a couple of things out:

>She looked in on Nyx for a few seconds longer before gently shutting the door. She then descended the library’s staircase, climbing down to the ground floor where many ponies with worried faces were waiting. Twilight greatly appreciated the fact that all of her friends had stayed to make sure Nyx was all right, especially since Rarity and the Cutie Mark Crusaders were the only ones who knew Nyx well enough to be so concerned.

What's frustrating here is that it's almost as if Peen Stroke knows what's wrong with his story on some deep subconscious level, and this part of his brain keeps trying to correct it. However, his conscious mind, and its desire to put literally thousands of dicks in his mouth every time the clock in his house chimes, the very clock which he set to chime every fifteen minutes because he was getting tired of having to wait 60 minutes at a time to put literally thousands of dicks in his mouth, keeps preventing it from doing so.

In this case, he literally acknowledges that the only ponies besides Twilight who know Nyx well enough to go to this much trouble for her are Rarity and the CMC, and that the rest of them really don't belong in the scene. But he just….doesn't quite manage to connect the dots.

>“Would you, maybe, want some of us to stay?” Fluttershy kindly offered.

Also, this is literally the first time in the entire text that Fluttershy has had a spoken line, or has done anything. She is obviously not a significant character. Frankly she's been mentioned so little that I wasn't even sure if she was part of the rescue party. Why is she here right now?

>Scootaloo blinked before her eyes widened, a panicked frown forming on her face. “Oh no! My parents are going to flip!”

This is interesting. I know this was written pretty early in the fandom, and so a lot of the more popular fan canons probably hadn't developed yet. However I've gotten so accustomed to the generally accepted fan canon that Scoot is an orphan (or even the official canon, which is basically that her parents are irresponsible assholes, her rug munching aunts don't pay that much attention, and for all practical purposes she is pretty much an orphan) that it sounds odd to hear her name mentioned in a context of having a normal family life. I'm actually mildly curious what Peen Stroke's headcanon for Scoot's situation at this time was.

In any event, this exchange between Scootaloo and Rainbow Dash is unnecessary and another example of Peen Stroke's overall lack of proper narrative focus. Rainbow Dash, once again, is not one of the significant characters in this story. Her relationship to the main character is peripheral at best. Moreover, she wasn't even incidentally significant in the preceding scene.

Here's really the problem I have with this and why I keep drawing so much attention to it. As I stated in previous posts, Nyx is the main character and is basically the focus of the story. Twilight and Apple Bloom are her most significant relationships, with Rarity, Ponk, Scoot, Sweetie Belle, and (ugh) Twist being secondary supporting relationships. Pretty much all other characters in the series don't matter at this point, and until that changes should not be appearing for any other reason than to play incidental background roles.

In the previous chapter, we had a situation where a series of events led to Nyx being lost in the woods. The sensible thing for the author to do would be to have Twilight go looking for her, accompanied by the CMC and maybe Rarity or Ponk (I chose Ponk for my version of events). For whatever dumb reason, he chooses to assemble the entire Mane 6 and have them all go looking for her together. However, Nyx ends up at the castle of the two sisters, which means that if they all go up there together, the mystery of Nyx's secret identity will be revealed. So at this point, Peen Stroke has Twilight break away from the rest of the Mane 6 and go look for Nyx by herself anyway. Literally why even bring them all together then? There was no reason to do it.

Here's a comparable example: Frodo and Sam need to go to Mordor to destroy the Ring. On the way, they meet Gollum, and he tags along for a while. Frodo is the MC, Sam is his best friend (or possible gay lover, if we're going with Peter Jackson canon). Gollum has a secondary relationship to Frodo; Frodo pities him and wants to let him help, Gollum just wants the ring, etc etc we all know the story. Main point is, the focus of the story is on the main character, and two secondary characters who have a reason to be there; Tolkien doesn't just have a bunch of extra characters tagging along for no reason. If Peen Stroke had written LOTR, it would have been Frodo, Sam, Gollum, and Skippy the Elf. Why is Skippy there? No reason, the author just likes him and wants him to be in the story even though he doesn't really do anything. Then, later, Rainbow Dash shows up and flies them to Mt. Doom.

Now back in the world of Past Sins, we have Rainbow Dash, who was barely in the previous scene and didn't actually need to be in it at all, having a separate conversation with Scootaloo, who despite being Nyx's friend isn't that significant of a character yet. Why is this in the story? Also, the way she casually drops "loyalty" into the conversation is annoying. Hurr durr that's her element, ain't dat clever?

Anyway, Diamond Tiara knocks on the door suddenly and it looks like shit's about to get real.

I'm going to take Nigel's suggestion and start using more related pics instead of Glimmer avatars for these posts. However this time I don't have a good one so here's Golly.

677ce No.250116

>>250115
>or possible gay lover, if we're going with Peter Jackson canon
WTF! How dare you! That's the last straw. I know where you live, faggot. I bet you feel safe in Virgina, Los Angles. Yeah, that's right. You better look scared. I will get you and you will never see me comming. I wonder how it feels to know that if you hadn't insulted the greatest movie of all time, you wouldn't be in this mess. FAG!!! To think you would be able to get away with saying that Frodo's and Sam's beautiful platnic friendship is gay. It wasn't gay faggot. You just wish it to be as uncle shekelberg pegs you in the ass. I gotta target on your back. It is time for fear!

55e03 No.250125

File: 1573388838429-0.png (300.93 KB, 500x438, tenor.png)

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File: 1573388838429-2.png (234.04 KB, 370x278, 2990801.png)

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File: 1573388838429-4.png (66.04 KB, 600x450, dears-2706d3b1-05b9-458b-a….png)

>>250115
I think another part of what annoys me so much about this story is that while Peen Stroke gets most of the cliches right on the small scale, the work has high-level design problems that prevents it from feeling like its cliches are deployed effectively. Thus, what's unforgivable about this is that it tries to execute a well-worn plot and fails at it. As much as it's generally acceptable to bitch about something being cliche and formulaic, the truth is that most fiction is in some way formulaic, and just because the tropes you're using have been done to death doesn't mean you can't make the reader enjoy them for the 7,000th time. As I've pointed out before, MLP itself contains a lot of tropes and cliches; indeed Nightmare Moon to begin with is pretty much every madly cackling cartoon villain ever, and I'm sure was designed that way on purpose. No, the more I think about it this story doesn't suck because it follows a recipe. This story sucks because the author tries to change the recipe without really knowing what he's doing.

The main idea he's got, which is basically "cute and endearing little girl turns out to be a massively powerful and possibly evil entity," is a pretty common anime script. Elfen Lied and This Ugly Yet Beautiful World are the two that spring immediately to mind for me (pics 1-2 related), but there are plenty of others. Steel Angel Kurumi, Chobits, and DearS (basically Chobits with big boobs) are somewhat different but still follow the basic pattern (pics 3-5 related). There are probably plenty of others I could think of too. Here is the setup: usually the show begins with some kind of out of context event like a spaceship crashing. After the credits roll, the opening scene is usually some random innocent Person X discovering le cute innocent girl by accident. Usually she is wandering around in a fugue state or else unconscious. Le cute innocent girl is so le cute and innocent that Person X knows he/she can't just leave her alone by herself, and so Person X (hereafter referred to as X so I don't have to type as much) takes responsibility and le cute innocent girl (hereafter referred to as LCIG so I don't have to type as much) comes to live with him.

The unorthodox living situation is usually somehow disruptive for X, and early episodes generally focus on him adapting to having LCIG living with him. Frequently there is some kind of friend or neighbor who is an acquaintance of X, and who discovers the situation and becomes involved. If X is male, this person is usually a childhood friend who has a crush on him. She may have some jealousy of LCIG or misinterpret the situation, but ultimately her kindhearted nature prevails and usually she ends up forming her own relationship. LCIG generally has some type of low-grade amnesia, and has no idea how to interact with the world in a normal way. She typically has to be taught how to do basic things like put on clothes and go grocery shopping. She often can't remember her name so X gives her one. LCIG sometimes attends school, usually the same school as X if he/she is also a student.

Usually these stories go on being pretty lighthearted and slice of life for several episodes, during which time both X and the audience are intended to form a bond with LCIG. However, about midway through the series, the plot starts to thicken. We are usually introduced to something like a cult or a government agency that is independently investigating the spaceship crash or whatever happened at the very beginning. Eventually we learn that there is some kind of secret weapon or super powered alien that was in the spaceship that the agency is interested in for purely nefarious purposes.

Surprise surprise, this usually turns out to be LCIG, who it is revealed has some kind of superpower that she doesn't know she has because she lost her memory. The nefarious agency tries to reclaim her, usually there is some kind of climactic event where her power awakens and she unleashes it either intentionally or unintentionally. X, who has been told by the agency to stay out of it, does the opposite of that and gets super-involved. Usually the agency is defeated somehow, and LCIG and X resume their unorthodox but happy life with all the frens they made along the way. Or, in the case of something like Elfen Lied, it gets fucked up and never really stops being fucked up. Details can vary, but these shows all follow the same basic pattern, especially in the beginning.

Now, let's take a look at Past Sins through this lens. It begins with an out of context scene in which a nefarious cult is trying to revive Nightmare Moon (you're a faggot, Peen Stroke). tl;dr, it fails. Kind of. Next scene, Twilight Sparkle is walking through the woods and finds LCIG Nyx. Nyx is suffering from low-grade amnesia and is very le cute and innocent. Twilight Sparkle decides she can't leave le cute and innocent filly alone in the woods so she takes her home, gives her a name, and informally adopts her.

Twilight then enlists the help of her friend Rarity to try and create an outfit for Nyx, whose alicorn status she needs to hide. In addition to making clothes, Rarity spends time with LCIF and begins to form her own bond. Next, Twilight enrolls Nyx in school so she can learn the basic things about interacting with the world that she doesn't understand. This leads to a subplot arc where Nyx is getting bullied by Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, which in turn leads to a situation where Nyx inadvertently ends up back in the Everfree Forest. Through sheer coincidence (or is it fate?) she winds up back at the place where Nightmare Moon had her final stand. Her power awakens sort of, but not really. Twilight (along with all of her friends for some reason) shows up and rescues her. That basically brings us to where we're at currently.

Running out of space, will continue in next post.

55e03 No.250126

File: 1573394708715-0.png (664.9 KB, 1374x1029, glory hole super rad oc do….png)

>>250116
>It is time for fear!
*fears*

>>250125
Where Past Sins immediately goes wrong is that it is constantly reminding the reader about the Nightmare Moon connection from the get go. Other than suggesting it via the prologue and allowing the reader to probably figure it out on their own fairly quickly, the connection should not be directly mentioned until much later. In fact the reader should not even be thinking about it, even if they see it right away. If we're following the "LCIG is actually super powerful entity" script, and I think I've effectively demonstrated that there are more than incidental similarities, then the entire story up to this point should be focused on Nyx learning about life in the new world she just woke up in, and forming a bond with Twilight and her friends, as I've already suggested multiple times.

The situation is slightly trickier here since it's established that Nyx bears enough of a physical resemblance to Nightmare Moon to where neither Twilight nor Rarity can ignore it. It also deviates slightly in that the ceremony scene in the prologue involves Twilight (Person X) and is thus part of the story's initial continuity, which usually doesn't happen. However, this doesn't necessarily break the formula. Planting an initial seed of suspicion in Twilight's head at the resemblance to NM when she first meets Nyx, and maybe having it resurface from time to time, can add to the tension if its done right. But we shouldn't constantly be having long monologues from Twi about "is Nyx Nightmare Moon? Is Peen Stroke a faggot?" at this (or any) point, because we already know the answer to both questions is yes, and it's just plain annoying to have to read it so many times.

The shows I chose as examples in the previous post are all quite different from each other, but one thing consistent between them is that in most of the early episodes, LCIG behaves as such, and is treated as such by X and whatever supporting cast exists. Even in a situation like this, where T and her friend R suspect there may be more to LCIF than meets the eye, at this point in the story they should push those thoughts to the back of their minds, and treat her as just a cute lonely filly who deserves a normal shot at life. The story at this point should focus primarily on smaller events and subplots that allow Nyx to form a deeper personal bond with Twilight and the other friends in her close orbit (recall my faggy solar system analogy if you want clues about which characters she should be building relationships with). Conflict at this point should be developed through smaller subplot arcs like the Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon bullying story, which even when you take into account how predictable it is, is still pretty fertile ground for a subplot in a story like this.

I'm probably going to try to get to the end of Chapter 4 and see where we are at that point. Then I'd like to do a similar thing to what I did with Chapter 3, where I take the events that have taken place and map out how I would probably have the story go if I were writing it. That was a fun exercise and I think being able to directly compare the two is a better way to illustrate what I'm talking about than just talking in circles for posts upon posts. I will probably be doing it at intermittent points throughout this analysis, and hopefully by the end we will have a nice outline of a much better story for anyone who can't be fucked to read this one, or who has read it but would like to pretend that they actually read something else.

Now then, where was I?

Oh yeah. Twilight's friends, who should not have been there in the first place, all just left, and Twilight is just about to settle down with a nice box of wine and her dog-eared copy of Eat, Pray, Love, when suddenly there is a knock at the door. She opens it, and who should be standing there but Diamond Tiara and her parents, Filthy Rich and Affluent Rich.

Now, according to the wiki, Spoiled Rich does not make an actual appearance until S5, so at the time of writing the name of Diamond Tiara's mother would not have been known. It's therefore perfectly acceptable for Peen Stroke to have invented this character, in the same way that it's perfectly acceptable for him to have invented parents for Scootaloo. I would also contend that the idea of authors having to update past stories to reflect new additions to the canon is silly; personally I think it's acceptable practice to set a story at any point in the canon you like, and to take as many liberties as you please with whatever hadn't been revealed at that time. At that point you can just call it an "alternate timeline" story. If there's stuff in the canon that you don't like, this is usually a lot less messy than trying to retcon it out starting from the present. Nigel, pay attention here.

However, with all that said, I would also like to say that I think "Affluent Rich" is a pretty dumb pony name. Both of her names are just synonyms of each other, which is stupid. It's like if Peen Stroke had chosen to name his pony avatar "Homosexual Gay." It would be accurate, but also redundant. Pony names are usually a word or phrase that subtly alludes to the pony's personality, identity, or primary occupation. In Peen Stroke's case, he would be better off going with something like "Glory Hole" or "Pearl Necklace." Maybe "Stallion Tickler." But I digress.

Anyway, I'm running out of space and it's getting late. We will rejoin Twilight Sparkle, Affluent Moneyhaving, Diamond Tiara et al at a later date, when we resume our neverending dive into Glory Hole's magnum opus.

e2c8c No.250131

>>250115
> Also, the way she casually drops "loyalty" into the conversation is annoying. Hurr durr that's her element, ain't dat clever?
Fucktons of old pony fanfics do this before the "metagame" of faggoty crowdpleasers that gets you into the Nepotism Box was figured out.
It's what happens when the author is a giganigger with no understanding of the Mane Sox's virtues or any desire to give each character a chance to shine and show off their element.
Btw I've been told by one of the site's faggy admins a while ago that the box isn't actually automated. If a faggy admin likes your story he will put it in the box so it can grow from 25 likes to 200ish or even 500ish likes.
This fandom is so fucking small. And I hate how the site decided writers should divide their time between writing and promoting themselves. What does that leave for readers besides useless praise and useless bitching? Fans should support art they love through promoting it.

e2c8c No.250146

>>250116
I think The End was a better boss fight.
>>250126
What fic do you think you'll do after this one? You don't have to pick one from the list I gave you, I just picked ones that are:
>trash in unique and interesting ways
>beloved by the fandom's faggots
>overrated

e2c8c No.250153

>>250126
You know what'd be cool? If you did two similar overhyped bad fanfics at once, comparing and contrasting them.

dfce1 No.250155

>>250153
Nigel!
versus
Peen Stroke!
Ready!
GO!!!
Ignore me, I'm just shitposting

e2c8c No.250160

>>250155
Peen Stroke's Nyx vs Puppysmiles VS Snowblind, which saccharine shitshow of an attempted heartstring-tugger is worse?

d774f No.250163

>>250160
Definitely Snowdrop. That one is a parody in itself. Only way it would be more heartstring tugging would be if she was an orphan who was raped by windigos

3136c No.250166

>>250163
But the mother that we see in Snowdrop is just a memory. It cuts away to imply that her mother is dead in the present. She really is an orphan.

d774f No.250189

>>250166
ah. Haven't seen that vid in years. That just makes it even more of a tryhard tearjerker.

e2c8c No.250202

>>250189
Shoot me for saying this but the DBZ fandom has episode-length fan-animations that do a better job of:
>sticking to the source material while building upon it
>keeping in line with the source material's tone
>adding new and interesting ideas to the show
Not much of a better job, but a better job all the same.

677ce No.250205

>>250126
Kek, nice pic.

e2c8c No.250235


e2c8c No.250319

Is there a list somewhere of all books sorted by word count? Preferably just the classics.
Was looking at the length of my Fallout Equestria story and I think I'm winning.

0eb70 No.250358

From what I've read in this thread and various snippets of the lore, Nyx could have been (and with some liberal head-canon, is) a respectable OC. I'm still not reading that shit though.
>>250126
Looking forward to more.

55e03 No.250400

File: 1573664917688-0.jpg (43.87 KB, 874x676, Billionaire_Bot.jpg)

>>250126

Anyway, what follows next is pretty much your obligatory upstairs/downstairs haves vs. have-nots muh great injustice scene, in which Diamond Tiara and her affluent family lob obviously false accusations at poor lonely wine-guzzling Twilight against which she attempts to defend herself to no avail. We learn that while preceding events were taking place the entirely-too-cuntily-portrayed-imo Diamond Tiara was off telling her parents a sob story about how the evil town librarian had approached her and threatened to turn her into a cactus (yes, this actually happened in the text). Obviously, DT left out the part where she tricked Nyx into going into the woods by herself. Twilight defends Nyx by explaining what happened, DT's mother defends her daughter by denying that she could ever possibly be guilty of any wrongdoing because blah blah we're rich and you're poor, stops short of suggesting that Twilight be burned at the stake for even suggesting such libel, and ultimately ends the confrontation on a "well, I never!" note when her only slightly more reasonable husband finally intercedes. The only thing this scene is missing is an image of "Affluent Rich" spitting out tea as a monocle falls from her eye.

Diamond Tiara eventually gets hoisted by her own petard when she accidentally admits to having done exactly what Twilight accused her of, however even after this her mother continues to be a massive cunt. Filthy Rich grounds DT, but informs Twilight that they will be speaking to the Mayor about this relatively minor misunderstanding over what ultimately amounts to an altercation between children, because as we all know, every rich person is evil and does stuff like that because they can. #Yang2020 #Muh1000Dollars

Oh yeah, Twilight also namedrops Princess Celestia, who still doesn't know about Nyx, as a way of countering Filthy Rich's namedropping of the Mayor. My, what a remarkably complex tapestry of conflicting interests and intrigue Mr. Stroke is weaving here.

Once again, we have a more or less competently written scene that follows a rather predictable blueprint. While I still don't agree with the logistics of how he had events take place in the preceding chapter, I can see that he intended to develop a conflict between Twilight and the Rich family, and he needed Twilight to threaten Diamond Tiara in order to make this happen. The new conflict does add an additional element to the story and makes it more interesting, so I'll actually go ahead and give him a jaunty tip of my cap for this. The downside of it (apart from my earlier complaints about the logic of ch 3) is that the scene he chose to initiate the conflict with is a little eye-rollingly heavy-handed. Diamond Tiara and her family are portrayed as stuck up, unreasonable, spiteful, cruel, aristocratic snobs; the sort of villains that the audience is supposed to immediately boo and hiss because ehrmahgod evil rich people. Not only is it veering the story back into cornball melodrama territory, I also think it's kind of an unfair depiction of these characters.

In the series (for clarity's sake you can assume I mean s1 and s2 when I mention the series from here on out, due to the time period of the story), though Diamond Tiara is usually kind of an obnoxious twat, her antics never really go beyond being a playground bully, and a fairly mild one at that. She's arrogant and unkind, but generally not overly cruel or sadistic. I'm skeptical that she would be evil enough to actually try to murder, or at least negligently manslaughter (ponyslaughter, whatever), one of her classmates, feel no remorse whatsoever, and even go so far as to try to have her parents cause actual real-life problems for said classmate's caregiver just because she had made a (probably not serious) threat to her.

Affluent Rich, as I went over, is basically an OC created by Peen Stroke because DT's mother was not a canon character in the show yet. So, he's got a fair amount of liberty here. However, I think she also goes overboard and I don't find her behavior entirely believable. It's true that some parents, particularly mothers, can get a little insanely defensive of their children, but usually nobody is this unreasonable, particularly when it becomes apparent that her child was actually the one in the wrong. Although who knows, a lot of women are just plain nuts.

Filthy Rich, though portrayed as the voice of reason, still goes overboard in threatening involve the Mayor. That's just silly. I don't think any reasonable person (pony, whatever) could take Twilight's threat to turn DT into a cactus seriously enough to cause real trouble over it. It's reasonable for a parent to be upset that another adult threatened his child, but in this case the child in question had done something actually quite serious, and Twi was right to be angry. DT's actions were not just wrong, but actually endangered Nyx's life. Even ignoring this, DT still lied to her parents and made it sound like Twilight did something worse than she did, while omitting what she herself did. Twilight yelled at a child in anger and might have gone overboard, so she would probably be wise to at least apologize for that much, but that's about it.

Filthy Rich has always struck me as a fairly level headed businesspony. He's maybe a little snooty at times, but I've never gotten the impression he's meant to be portrayed as evil or antagonistic. I doubt he'd be willing to waste the Mayor's time over something this ridiculous; if anything he'd probably realize that his daughter could technically be accused of attempted murder and would want this situation to go away as quickly and quietly as possible. Any sane person (pony, whatever) would just chalk this up to wacky little kid bullshit and call it a night.

Anyway, the scene ends with some light humor. Spike has some funny interactions with the owl, and then they all go to bed.

55e03 No.250402

>>250153
I don't know if I could handle doing two of these simultaneously, tbh. If there's two fics that are related to each other in a way that would warrant examining them together, that might work. I could also attempt it with a couple of shorter ones I suppose.

677ce No.250405

>>250400
>Evil rich people
This is a very very common trope within the mlp fandom. I have seen this so many times.
>Affluent Rich
I don't think she was in this scene in the original. I think it just were Filithy Rich since I don't think she existed in the story at all in the original.

e2c8c No.250421


>>250402
Perhaps you could take one of the "Greatest Brony Fanfics of all time" that's effectively just some low-brow lowest common denominator-pleasing trash dressed up in pseudointellectualism, then take a fic that came out recently and is exactly the same just with a lower score and less pseudism, and expose the ways in which they're the same shit.
Then again, a focused teardown of the fandom's biggest darlings (Nyx, Fallout Equestria, Project Horizons, Puppysmiles's story Pink Eyes, Friendship is Optimal, that new "Fallout Equestria Commonwealth" that's literally just a writeup of a bad Fallout 4 LP, For Scores Divided my Whores, My Little Dashie, Cupcakes, Murky Number Seven, and whatever else has a big score) could be great fun.
Especially if we let the circlejerking lefty faggots on /mlp/ fanfiction general know we see the faults in the stories they hold up as examples of how everyone "Should" write. That'd piss off the egobabies and their fanclubs.
If you're looking for something shorter you could get done in one day, I found this
https://falloutequestria.fandom.com/wiki/Fallout:_Equestria_Side_Stories
It's a list of all the Fallout Equestria stories separated into Shilled For By Equestria Daily, Complete, Incomplete, One-Shot, Cancelled, and Radio Play categories.
You can sort them by length, chapter count, etc.
So you can do anything from the 1,780,334 words of Project Horizons to the 1,193 words of Fallout Equestria - The Trip.

55e03 No.250437

File: 1573673974293-0.png (106.53 KB, 447x600, medium (1).png)

>>250400
The sub chapter concludes with another Kinkade-esque scene where Nyx cuddles up next to Twilight in bed, complete with a paragraph about Twilight staring out the window and thinking about Nightmare Moon. Other than dropping in the obligatory 'You're a faggot, Peen Stroke,' we can probably skip this bit since I don't really have any complaints about it that I haven't voiced already about similar scenes.

So anyway, next we get a little more development of the main plot. Here, we cut to our shadowy secret organization that wishes to use LCIF for their nefarious, but yet unknown, purposes.

>The butler, Proper Etiquette, stepped back and opened the manor’s door wider, allowing the trio of ponies to slip inside.

Okay, I just want to take a minute to say that so far, Peen Stroke seems to really suck balls at thinking up pony names. "Proper Etiquette" isn't quite as bad as "Affluent Rich," but it just smacks of laziness. "Nyx" is an okay name I guess, and I like that he troubled himself to think up a backstory for where the name came from. "Spell Nexus" isn't terrible. However, it seems like any time he needs a name for an incidental background character, he just takes the first lazy thing that comes to mind and runs with it. What's something that goes with rich? Uh, "affluent", I guess. What do I call the butler? Well, butlers have proper etiquette so…I think I'll name him that. At least try to make it a pun or something. Personally I'd have named him Kurt Manners.

The rest of his OC names are okay, but fairly generic sounding. "Night Wind" sounds like something that happens when you eat too much pizza close to bedtime. "Gray Gale" sounds alright but doesn't really evoke any strong imagery. Same with "Stonewall." It's okay for a generic goombah tough guy character I guess, but it's not tremendously imaginative. His cutie mark, incidentally, is literally a stone wall. Like what the hell does that signify? Is he a mason of some kind? Is it to suggest that he's strong and dependable? Is his special talent protecting the inner bailey of a castle from invaders and absorbing missiles fired by trebuchets? I'll shut up now.

Anyway, we are once again introduced to Spell Nexus, the unicorn we met in the prologue, who was dressing up like Nightmare Moon and playing Skinny Puppy records in the woods. We see him now, sitting in his manor house without his makeup on, and we learn that apparently he is the headmaster of Celestia's school as well as some kind of highly placed royal advisor.

>“And not all of us have cushy jobs like you do,” Stonewall grumbled. “The commander is already suspicious of why I was late reporting in after what happened in Everfree. I’m skating on thin ice with the Town Guard.”

Okay, so I guess Stonewall is a guard. That basically makes sense I guess.

This scene actually demonstrates why I've been kvetching so much about all the mentions of Nightmare Moon by Twilight so far. This scene is fairly well placed in terms of pacing, but it lacks the oomph that it would ordinarily have, because this is not even close to being the first mention we've seen of the subject. The reader already knows that Nyx is Nightmare Moon reborn, so there's really no big reveal here. Obviously, the reader would probably be able to deduce Nyx's identity fairly easily one way or the other, but having Twilight be as aware of it as she is rather deflates the impact of this part of the story.

Ideally, the outline of the story so far should go something like this: spoopy prologue with spoopy ritual, Twilight finds filly in woods and takes her home, cute stuff happens with filly, pls diamn tira no bully filly, filly lost in woods cus bully, filly find castle and awaken ancient power, filly goes home with Twilight and denouement of mini-arc, cutaway to spoopy cult talking about Nighmare Moon. The only points on this outline where Nightmare Moon should even be mentioned at all are in boldface. Other than some incidental mention, like it might be necessary to have Twilight and Rarity briefly discuss the resemblance in order for things to make sense, the story in between the prologue and this second cult scene should focus entirely on Twilight and Nyx building their bond, as well as the mini-arc about Nyx getting bullied. The main plot of the story, about Nyx being NM reborn, is something that should be teased at in the beginning to get the reader interested, then set aside for a bit while you build the characters up. Then, at about this point in the story, you reintroduce the cult and have the main arc start picking up steam. If we've already heard about how Nyx looks like Nightmare Moon a billion different ways from Sunday, hearing it one more time isn't going to make things any more interesting.

Anyways, next we have a character named…Bastion Yorsets? What the shit? Is that his real name?

Okay, so, my first impression was that Peen Stroke was just drunk and mashing his keyboard when he came up with this name, but apparently he's referencing an existing background pony. The image he links to in the text (again, I'm not a huge fan of hyperlinks to outside content in story text) is broken, but some light googling turned up a bit of information. Apparently Bastion Yorsets is a fan nickname for a pony officially named Top Marks, who was one of the judges when filly Twilight was trying to hatch Spike. As to where the hell the name Bastion Yorsets came from, or what it means, I couldn't even begin to say. This is probably one of those in-jokes that you have to have been in the fandom a long time to get. If anyone knows more, feel free to share with the class.

Well, whatever. Bastion Yorsets gets woken up in the middle of the night by Princess Celestia visiting his room, but not for the reason he was probably hoping. Apparently he is the leader of a group researching the cult's spell, and I am running out of characters so to be continued.

55e03 No.250451

>>250437
So anyway, Bastion whatever the fuck Yorsets is in bed whacking his fucking horse cock to dreams of Princess Celestia's thicc succulent plot, when who should appear at his door but Princess Celestia herself. Taking great pains to hide his massive throbbing boner, he lets her in. She exposes some plot to him, but not in the way that he was hoping for.

Apparently, Mr. Yorsets is the leader of a research group mentioned in the previous sub-chapter by the cult, which is conducting research on the spell used by the cult during the prologue.

>Celestia glanced up from her seat on Bastion’s couch, which was just large enough to support her larger stature.

If you want to call her fat, just say so.

Anyway, the premise for her showing up this late is a bit strange. She apologizes for arriving in the middle of the night unannounced, but apparently she wants a routine progress update on the work he is doing, which all logic would dictate is something that could easily wait until morning. I mean she is the ruler of Equestria and is probably used to just doing whatever the fuck she wants, but you'd think she'd have a little more common courtesy than this. Like if my boss wants to know how a project is coming along, he usually abides by the established custom of waiting until normal business hours to discuss it. If he's ringing my doorbell in the middle of the fucking night and expects me to answer, something damn well better be on fire.

The main thing we're supposed to take away from this scene, however, is that Celestia now knows (or suspects, at least) that the spell casting that she thought she'd interrupted in time had produced some kind of result, though she doesn't know what. Bastion-whatever-the-fuck is now tasked with investigating it.

>That is a very theoretical branch of magic, Princess. Incomplete spells have been known to do a variety of things, and some never do the same thing twice.

klaatu barada necktie.

Anway, the Princess thanks him for his time and gets up to leave. Oh shit, here we go. Looks like Bastion wants to know why the hell this couldn't have waited until morning.

>I have simply realized that I have not been providing your team with the materials it needs to analyze this spell quickly, and… I have also come to realize this evening that swiftness in this matter is of the utmost importance.

Aaaaaaand he punts. Looks like this question didn't occur to Peen Stroke until after he'd already written the scene, and rather than rewrite it, he decided to just toss in a weak explanation. I mean, let's face it, Bastion Deldickaroon is just going to go back to sleep anyway, and none of this is going to get dealt with one way or the other until everyone punches in tomorrow, so again there's really no reason she couldn't have just waited until morning and flagged him down in the hall or something. Well, whatever, it's not that huge a deal I guess.

Anyway, that is the end of chapter four. I am going to take a nap, and will probably be back in a few hours with some thoughts on the story so far.

677ce No.250497

>>250451
"Oh, Danny. I'm going to take a nap."

d774f No.250517

>>250421
FoE Starlight. The absolute worst fic that is taken seriously.

e2c8c No.250523

>>250517
That name gave me a fucking brainblast PTSD flashback to a fic so bad I don't believe I'm remembering it correctly.
Is it the one where an OP Alicorn Mary Sue = who's sooo strong she can just rip the locks out of locked boxes to make her low lockpicking skill irrelevant - is the New Element Of Magic and works for the combination NCR and Followers Of The Apocalypse
even though the whole point of these factions were:
>NCR wants to "Bring America back" but it's full of corrupt cunts willing to exploit it. Brahmin barons, water barons, etc. also didn't fully execute every last Great Khan like they should have.
>Followers Of The Apocalypse is far too nice for its own good and only succeeds when the Player Character helps it. Undermanned, underequipped, stretched too thin and unwilling to cut corners/ropes.

210d4 No.250614

Review a few "episodes" of the a Lunaverse. It's like any parody soap opera TV series. Tons of filler, no ideas, shitty atmosphere, garbage prose, hateable characters.

Trixie and Luna are the good guys and the Mane6 are all bad guys. Except every character is unlikable and hated by the author for anything.
The background characters are part of the cast and have retard stereotypical personalities.
The author's first language isn't even English.
Raindrops is my most hated character for being the angry butch who nobody calls her out on her own bullshit and beats the living crap out of her. Instead she's presented as unfallible.

d774f No.250616

>>250523
Yep. And with enough Inception-type narrative to make one nauseous reading.

e2c8c No.250620

>>250614
I vaguely remember a story called "The life and times of a winning pony" or something, it's about an "Ethical Slut" kind of character. That Jewish "trope". You know, the modyrn female fantasy: Sucking a billion dicks and being a bar's walking fuckhole and best permanent fixture, being desired by everyone, while also having the right to beat up anyone who wants to fuck you and isn't up to your standards. At one point she gets into a barfight with Rainbow Dash and kicks RD in the cunt so hard it nearly debabies her for life.
This is, of course, one of the most popular brony fanfics of all time because bronies have no actual respect for any of these characters, hence why authors are fine with degrading canons for the sake of trashy OCs when the story's so full of crowdpleasing faggotry that it gets their faggy tiny dicks hard.
Fuck that story. Add that to the list of bullshit to burn…
Maybe we're overburdening Glimmy here. Perhaps this thread should focus on Nyx and we should make fic-destroying storytime a communal thing for another thread, where different users submit shitfics they want torn apart, others "claim" them and tear them apart while submitting different ones.
Then others could review your reviews of the shit fics.
Or we could assign a few chapters of Project Horizons each to all this site's different users, and we all review them in order. The characters are so cliche you can easily start halfway in and understand everything.

951c2 No.250621

>>250620
>Maybe we're overburdening Glimmy here. Perhaps this thread should focus on Nyx and we should make fic-destroying storytime a communal thing for another thread
Couldn't have said it better myself

e2c8c No.250623

>>250620
Also, "Sweetie belle infinite loops" or whatever it's called. It's about Sweetie Belle ripping off Fairly Odd Parents Channel Chasers except she hops between different popular fanfic worlds. She'll enter the Cupcakes world and kill psycho pinkie, enter the Rainbow Factory world and destrpy the factory, enter some "respected" fanfics world and converse casually with its most popular characters, enter a Pokemon crossover and become Pokémon champ overnight, etc.
Anyone else starting to find this "meta" fanfic shit tiresome? You can only beat a katana elf vampire mary sue plot armor cunt if you've got better skills/more power and more plot armor-fu. Discord snapping his god fingers to erase the lusted-after wish wulfillment oc god ploughing all 151 canon and fanon mares isn't exactly a thrilling fight scene. We already fucking agree bad fics are bad, only faggots disagree with that. Maybe I've been in these trenches for too long, but maybe fanfiction can only ever truly be a dick sucking itself off through its own anus.

392b1 No.250628

>>250620
I 'member the story of Deep throat cock slut. At first a question on how ponies were named.
The solution their mothers named them at birth by way of seeing the future, or feeling the power of the forc- I mean harmony.

>Maybe we're overburdening Glimmy here. Perhaps this thread should focus on Nyx and we should make fic-destroying storytime a communal thing for another thread
>>250621
Oh, yeah that's a good point…

e2c8c No.250642

>>248482
Hey, Glim. What do you think of this "Fanfic Criticism Thread" idea?

677ce No.250648

>>250642
I don't like to be honest famlam. We need less generals. They lead to stagnation. If there is a fanfic you or another person wants to review, there is nothing wrong with creating one. This board certainly got space for it.

a5e0a No.250653

>>250648
I want to be a guy that tears these terrible fics twenty new assholes each but my life's too full of IRL bullshit right now, and I need to spend what little free time I have on productivity and self-improvement.
I could reserve one shit fic, but I'd be slow as hell finding time to review its chapters.

677ce No.250663

>>250653
>but my life's too full of IRL bullshit right now
>I need to spend what little free time I have on productivity and self-improvement.
> I'd be slow as hell
Take your time. In fact focus on the tjhing you need to get done before doing this. Writing isn't fun afterall. It is not something one does for leisure. It is fun to have the final product but not funto spend your free time on.
I say to have a plan a few hours of free time at the end of your day so that you have something to look forward to while doing the things you should do during the day.
Therefore you should wait until you haave moe free time so that you can put an hour of it into this project. That way you still got free tiem for other things you like doing.
Take you time, these fics are not going anywhere and neither are we.

b15ce No.250696

interesting

55e03 No.250807

File: 1573856058940-0.jpeg (69.16 KB, 800x599, wp.jpeg)

>>250451
Sorry, my "nap" wound up becoming a longer sleep than I'd thought, and I wound up playing vidya all night instead of writing.

So anyway, I think I've covered what I dislike about Peen Stroke's methods and approach adequately enough. What I'd like to do now is go back over the story so far and do something like what I did with Ch. 3, where I outline how I think events could have been made to play out, that would have more sense, had more emotional impact, and more effectively told the type of story that I think the author was trying to tell. What follows is a high-level outline of how I would probably tell this story if I were writing it.

Prologue
One big thing I would make is eliminating Twilight's abduction. If all the cult needs is to make a small cut on her leg to get a small amount of blood, it would have been far easier to just obtain the blood through less potentially dangerous means. It's established later that the cult has agents in Ponyville, and could have employed one of them to sneak into Twilight's house at night and take a blood sample, or even have her randomly attacked by a "masked assailant" who would never be caught or connected to the cult. This information could be introduced later so as not to bog down the prologue with unnecessary details.

I think this would also help by not dragging the Person X character (from our LCIG story model from earlier) directly into events too early. She is still connected, but does not have as much direct knowledge of what is going on. The tradeoff here is that the dramatic impact of the prologue is lessened by removing the shock of a "live sacrifice" being a part of the ceremony. The image of Twilight being bound and gagged and dragged into the woods in the middle of the night has a fair amount of shock value that piques the reader's interest, which is important to do in the opening scenes of a story.

However, the way the text is currently written, the impact is blunted anyway since it's almost immediately revealed that Twilight is not going to be seriously hurt or killed in the course of the ritual. Spell Nexus basically just gives her a small cut on the leg and then lets her go. This not only deflates the impact of the scene, it also hurts the story logically. The cult obviously values secrecy and caution, but abducting Twilight makes her a witness, and letting her go makes her a liability. Peen Stroke basically writes himself into a corner here, as the logical thing for Spell Nexus to do would be to kill Twilight, which he is also quite capable of doing since he has her bound and gagged and restricted from using her magic. This would be a problem for a lot of very obvious reasons. It's also troublesome since Twilight's abduction is what ultimately alerts the guards and causes the ceremony to be broken up. A pony as intelligent as Spell Nexus is written as would have weighed the options here, realized that abducting Twilight is unnecessary overkill, and opted to just collect a blood sample through simpler means. Peen Stroke seems to instinctively realize all this, but rather than fix it by rethinking and rewriting the scene, he just keeps patching over his mistakes with a lot of "but then this happened and then this happened," which is just bad form.

So, to summarize, here is how I would do the prologue:

Scene opens in the woods. Spell Nexus is meditating with candles and doing his preparations. Describe the cult's costumes and ritual instruments vaguely rather than explicitly. Drop clues that suggest Nightmare Moon but don't mention her name directly. Don't explain to the reader what exactly the cult is doing in the woods, leave it mysterious. Leave out the Twilight gets abducted part, compensate for the lost excitement by building up the mystery of the ritual. Maybe have a lot of spoopy lights and green smoke and shit like that. Explicitly mention that the cult leader is using a vial of somepony's blood, but don't say whose or how it was obtained.

Let the tension build. Cult goes to the altar, sets up all their weird voodoo stuff. Spell Nexus chants, mention a "Queen" or whatever but again don't say Nightmare Moon, let the reader guess at it. As the spell is rising in intensity, the ceremony is suddenly broken up by Celestia's guards as is currently written. Spell Nexus, Gray Gale, Night Wind and the other important cult members escape, a few are captured. Casually name dropping the cult member characters who become important later is a good idea btw, so that should be left in.

Spell Nexus flees cursing Celestia and wondering at how she found out about the ritual. Leave out the shit about Zecora as it's an unnecessary digression (and won't make sense anyway if Twilight isn't abducted). Maybe the explanation is that the cult has a double agent in their midst who is feeding Celestia information. Maybe the guards just got lucky and went to investigate some random report they received that some freaks were out doing weird shit in the woods. Who knows. Leave it unexplained. It could factor in later as an important plot point, or it could just be left to the reader's imagination if it's not important. The reader doesn't need to know everything.

Aftermath: the guards are cleaning shit up. They talk to each other about how spoopy and weird the whole thing is. Maybe joke around a little about what kind of freaks and crazies would do this, but make sure there is still a feeling of unease in the air. Guards leave, the scene is forgotten, but end with the slow zoom on the little pulsating embryonic Nyx in the corner of the forest.

55e03 No.250816

File: 1573864457515-0.gif (83.18 KB, 250x126, c9a.gif)

>>250807
Chapter 1:
Actually, not having Twilight abducted wrecks a fair amount of the early story, since it not only screws up the Rarity favor thing, it's the reason she ends up in the woods and meets Nyx in the first place. But, let's see what we can do with it.

Scene opens as before where Rarity is at Twilight's house. They are discussing something bad that happened to her, and clearly has Twilight shaken up. Twilight describes being attacked at random by somepony, who scratched her on the leg with some kind of strange looking knife and stole her bookbag. She's naturally freaking out and overreacting, because naturally it's traumatic being jumped and cut with a knife, and also because she had a bunch of rare books that Celestia loaned her in the bag, and she's terrified that the Princess will find out that she lost them. Something about the attack leaves her with an uneasy feeling too, as the knife looked ritualistic, maybe in a way that she subconsciously remembers from somewhere. Like maybe she saw an illustration of it in one of the books. Meanwhile Rarity is trying to calm her down and comfort her and talk her through her autism fit. She's sorry she didn't come sooner, she owes her a favor, blah blah blah slip that in somewhere. In this version of the scene though, note that I have shifted the agitation originally felt by Rarity onto Twilight.

Rarity leaves, but Twi is still agitated. The knife thing is still on her mind but mostly she's freaking out about the books. Spike meanwhile is starting to get annoyed because she keeps pacing around the house thinking out loud, and finally suggests that she use her locator spell to find the bookbag. Twilight thinks that's a brilliant idea and chides herself for not thinking of it sooner. She does the thing, and learns that her books are out in….the Everfree Forest? My, what a strange place for them to be.

Against Spike's admonitions, she decides to go into the forest alone to retrieve the books. Spoopy thunderclouds are gathering, wind is kicking up, everything is spoopy and foreboding. She discovers the bag lying in a little clearing, and it strikes her as passing strange that whoever stole the books just dumped them in the woods like this. Everything about this situation has her feeling uneasy. She opens the bag and checks to make sure they are still there; they all are. That makes the whole thing even weirder. Why would somepony attack her and steal her books and then just leave them? Well, the truth is, we don't know. It could be a bunch of reasons. Most likely, the cult agent that stole the books doesn't care about them and only did it so it would look like Twilight was randomly attacked. That pony still had the bookbag during the ritual, and left it when the guards came. The real explanation doesn't really matter, let the reader wonder about it.

Suddenly, rustle. Rustle rustle. What's that? Twilight is instantly on edge. It could be lions, or tigers, or bears…..oh my, it's just a cute little filly. Wait, that filly is pretty weird looking. And why is she in the Everfree by herself?

There should be two places, exactly two, in the story between the first appearance of Nyx and the point in Ch. 4 where the cult reappears, where Nightmare Moon should be mentioned by name. This is one of them. Twilight, for an instant, sees only the eyes, the black coat, the blue-purple whatever mane, and for a single terrifying moment thinks that Nightmare Moon has come back to Equestria. Then, a minute later, she realizes that this is crazy, that it's only a little filly, although the resemblance is certainly passing strange. She also notes that the filly is an alicorn which is definitely weird. She is leery that the filly might be some kind of creature or projection of the forest, but as she gets closer, it's clear that the filly is terrified and alone. Twilight doesn't know what to make of the situation, but she knows she can't leave a defenseless filly alone in the woods, so she takes her home with her.

Twilight gets home just as Spike is about to call the pony cops and have them start dredging the woods for purple unicorn bodies. She accurately predicts that he would probably just end up more agitated if he saw that she had brought some weird-looking alicorn filly with her from the Everfree, so she smuggles Nyx upstairs in a blanket or something. She tries to speak to the filly, but she seems downright scared of everything and doesn't seem to talk. Twilight tells [-]her manservant-/-] Spike to rustle up some fucking sandwiches already, and goes to give the filly a bath.

As I mentioned earlier, I would probably put some kind of funny scene here. The filly probably doesn't know what a bath is, and freaks out when Twilight attempts to dunk her in water. Twilight loses control of the situation, and filly goes rampaging through the house, eventually running into the kitchen where Spike is making sandwiches like a house nigger. This is how Spike learns that there is a strange alicorn filly living in the house.

Alternatively, you could still go the same route as what's in the text, and have a more subdued scene where Twilight simply gives the filly a bath and the filly complies. I personally think the chase scene would add humor and make the story more dynamic, but it's really author's choice here.

Anyway, once Twilight tells Spike the story, Spike's first inclination is to tell the Princess about the strange alicorn filly, but Twilight doesn't want to do that. She can't quite figure out why, but it doesn't seem like a good idea. Spike reluctantly agrees to help keep the secret. Again, Nightmare Moon should not be mentioned. I would also probably not have the filly talk at all in this chapter, just gestures and noises, but that is also author's choice. Once the situation is resolved, everyone goes to bed.

To be continued.

677ce No.250851

I haven't read these latest reviews but will. Don't think your reviews go unappricated, you nigger.

e96f4 No.250903

>>250807
>>250816
This. You would be a far better author than most but you would also be criminally underrated.

>>250620
I like that kind of idea. I've been kind of busy but tearing into a fanfic is the perfect relaxing activity.

>>250623
Do you mean the Sweetie Belle Chronicles? Imo it's alright though it delves into edge/pityporn territory with Sweetie having to be the mute janitor of an eldritch musician and of course is all about that fanservice with different dimensions. It's extremely long and I haven't gotten past the "hedge" part of the story; Sweetie hasn't felt like a Mary Sue to a major degree yet.

a5e0a No.250911

>>250903
Yeah it gets worse. Also I nominate Games Pony Plays. Edgy trash where Twilight is kidnapped and turned into the Cartoon Supervillain kind of edgy cunt. Also Rainbow Dash gets taser-raped into turning evil. Rarity was raised as a killer and she acts girly to piss her dad off. Finally, The Stare becomes a magic nuke because of course this trashy war fic does that.

a5e0a No.251075

Hey OP are you doing ok?

a7d34 No.251091

>>251075
Not OP, but I'd wager that beleaguering him with requests and almost-demands before he's even begun to finish this effort (which is ambitious and lengthy enough without adding to it) wasn't a good idea. Maybe appreciating the effort he has and may still give and not being needy about his response would be a better way to encourage his continued activity.
Or maybe he's busy. In either case, lurk moar.


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