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File: 1571950524626-0.gif (218.81 KB, 224x168, cannot be shim shammed.gif)

File: 1571950524626-1.png (97.38 KB, 580x365, infinite dab.png)

55e03 No.248482[View All]

Greetings. I have chosen to once again revive my neverending review series. With all of the Nyx posting that has been going on lately, I felt it appropriate to begin with a deep-dive into the fic that apparently began this massive shitflinging war. Also, I think this one was suggested to me a couple of times.

As such, I will now begin my dissection of:

Past Sins
by Pen Stroke

I will preface this by saying that while I have never read this fic before, I know it by reputation and I have a general idea what it's about. I have no particular opinion on Nyx and I have not been in this fandom long enough to understand exactly why she inspires as much butthurt as she does. However, with luck and perseverance, by the time I have absorbed and digested all 201,810 words of this epic, hopefully I will understand.

So, let's begin with some first impressions. As I mentioned already, holy shit this fucking thing is 201,810 words long. This makes it slightly more than double the length of the last long thing I reviewed, which as I'm sure everyone recalls was Silver "Starpunch" Apple and the Search for Spock's Cock, written by one of this board's very own beloved residents. Even though it was only the first six chapters, reading and analyzing it was quite a project. For the sake of comparison, the English translation of The Iliad is only 148,045 words, and War and Peace is approximately 500,000. So, without even reading a word of Past Sins, we already know that this piece of edgy pony fiction written by some sperg on the internet, in terms of length and time commitment, has already topped Homer and is about halfway to beating Tolstoy. Can it stand up to the Nigel test? We'll see.

Judging by its reception on fimfiction, this fic seems to have been very positively received. It currently has a ratio of 11,642 likes to 377 dislikes. However, considering that fimfiction.net has a reputation for being a giant circlejerk, that doesn't necessarily mean anything. The response to this fic on chans and within the fan community in general seems to be more lukewarm. In any event, however, I would say that it is a testament to the abilities of Mr. Stroke that his opus is still able to provoke controversy 7 years after its original publication. I'm actually looking forward to plowing through this.

Prelude: Resurrection

>Amidst dim candlelight, a single unicorn sat with his head bent down, eyes shut. He sat alone at the edge of a still pond, his reflection dancing in the water. The pond was nestled deep within the Everfree Forest, where the darkened trees with their gnarled branches surrounded all sides like silent sentinels.


>While most of Equestria had just shifted into spring, the Everfree was still gripped by clinging bits of winter. Snow covered the ground, and there was a lingering chill in the air. The unicorn’s hot breath left puffs of steam to curl and rise for a few seconds before disappearing into the night.


The first thing that I notice about this is that it was clearly written by someone who actually knows what he's doing. Unfortunately that's going to take some of the fun out of this. However, it also means that I will be able to spend less time pointing out bad grammar and continuity errors, and focus more heavily on pacing, character building, literary themes, etc. It also appears that Pen Stroke had some assistance with editing and revision, so I'm assuming that this is a polished final draft and not just something that some autist typed into a text box and then posted without reading it. Naturally, I'm not thinking of any specific author when I bring that up. Ahem. So, in any event, I am going to read this work as if I were reading a published book by a professional author, and will criticize it as such.

>For a long while, the unicorn had sat in utter silence on the edge of the pond with only a few nearby candles for company. The light from the tiny, flickering flames fell upon his coat and mane, which had been dyed from its natural color to a pitch black. Even his cutie mark had been covered by the dyes, his flank appearing utterly blank.


The second thing I notice about this is holy shit the edge. Based on what I've heard about it that's more or less what I was expecting, but really this is already shaping up to be one of the edgiest things I've read all year. So far I'm envisioning Pen Stroke as being someone who wears a lot of mascara and probably reads way too much Poe.

>A single blood-red leaf detached itself from the gnarled finger of a nearby tree and drifted slowly downwards, the final ember of the previous autumn burning itself out at last. Pale and ghostly moonlight drifted through the murky sky, illuminating the unicorn's face as he gazed mournfully into the reflecting pool. Haunting strains of Disintegration by The Cure echoed throughout the forest. The unicorn gazed sadly at the image of his worn, weathered face, that face which had seen so much torment, so much death. "Sadness," proclaimed the unicorn. "Infinite sadness."


Okay, that one was me. But you get the point.

>Yet, as he took in another deep breath, hoofsteps began to echo across the trees.


Alright, I know that I said I was going to try to avoid nitpicking small things the way I usually do, but this sentence naggles me. I can forgive "hoofsteps," since anyone writing in this universe invariably has to grapple with the fact that all of his characters are going to be horses performing more or less human actions. However, I'd like to point out that sound in a forest doesn't really echo across trees, in fact that phrasing doesn't even make sense. Furthermore, unless the ground out here is paved or otherwise rocky, the "hoofsteps" are probably not going to echo so much as softly thud. Even taking into account the fact that it's winter, and the ground is therefore probably hard, you still probably won't get much of an echo.
308 posts and 92 image replies omitted. Click reply to view.

55e03 No.256009

File: 1579109916153.jpg (50.72 KB, 500x375, tumblr_lo0sf5OTFI1qifkhpo1….jpg)

>>255900
Anyway…plugging right along, we now find ourselves at:

Chapter 9: Revealing Truths

The chapter begins with Twilight and Nyx walking home together. Twilight has apparently decided that the best way to deal with Nyx's most recent use of her powers is to slink away quietly, completely negating her earlier strategy of being socially visible and trying to pretend like nothing unusual happened. Nyx, for her part, seems completely oblivious to anything being wrong, which completely negates her earlier feelings of something being actually very wrong. These first occurred when she single-handedly won a tug of war match against four male ponies twice her size, and instead of clapping, the entire town stared at her like she had just shat all over the place.

Here's the problem: Nyx behaves as if she has no situational awareness at all. She knows she's not supposed to reveal her full power level in public, and yet she does anyway. Twice. In one day. Since she's only a child, it would make sense for her to not entirely grasp the danger and occasionally ignore Twilight's warning to remain incognito. However, the problem is that child or no, because of previous events she should be fully capable of understanding the danger at this point. In the aftermath of the play scene, she apparently deduced on her own that she is, in fact, Nightmare Moon (you're a faggot, Peen Stroke). She asked Twilight about it, and Twilight confirmed. She has above average intelligence and has read the story of Nightmare Moon. Even if she is still emotionally a child and can be expected to act like one most of the time, she can at least intellectually understand the implications of being NM's reincarnation, and how the town might react to this knowledge if she inadvertently revealed it to them. Thus, she knows exactly why she needs to hide her wings and horn, and why she needs to keep her magic under wraps. Keeping her identity a secret should be more important to her than it is to Twilight at this point.

However, despite this, she uses her magic to transform Fluttershy into a tree. Well, Pinkie Pie kind of pushed her into it, so maybe we can chalk that one up to peer pressure. She then sees the town freak out, and she should at least understand why. Considering that she bursts into tears at the slightest provocation and seems constantly terrified that everyone hates her, wouldn't it stand to reason that this sort of negative attention would bother her? Shouldn't she be freaking out and begging Twilight to take her back home? And yet, a couple scenes later, she just participates in the tug of war with the CMC like everything is perfectly normal. Her mind is so focused on the competition, in fact, that she manages to slip up and go full power level [i]again.[/b] Once more, the town freaks out, and she sees it, and should understand why and be bothered. Yet a scene later, here she is, just skipping happily along next to Twilight like everything is just fine.

There is no consistency to any of these characters' actions. Peen Stroke seems to more or less have his characters' personalities down and writes them appropriately enough. The scenes themselves are sometimes very well written. The problem is there is no continuity between what happens in one scene and what happens in the next. The result is that characters react appropriately to whatever specific situation they are in at the present moment, but nothing that happens in one scene has any bearing on how the next one plays out. This story is like a bunch of disconnected events happening in dreamtime, with every character simply doing whatever the situation demands with no memory of previous events.

Earlier, Nyx learns that she is NM. This scene is an emotional moment for her, and there is naturally a lot of tears and angst and Twilight comforting her and so forth and so on. However, the next time she appears, she's just a happy little kid again, excited about Learn and Play Day. Setting aside the issues I have with the timing of this big reveal, shouldn't it at least have caused some significant change in Nyx? Logically she should be in the middle of a massive identity crisis right now; winning a tug of war contest should be the least of her worries.

Twilight's behavior is also strange. She's the adult, and should understand the severity of Nyx's situation better than Nyx. And it's made clear that she does indeed understand. But what does she ever do? Nothing; she just stands passively in the background and worries to herself about it. Her actions are erratic and inconsistent; one minute she wants Nyx to just blend in and act normal, next minute she wants to barricade her in the library and hide her from view.

Next, the town. They've seen two random, bizarre acts of magic perpetrated by this one filly, who just showed up out of nowhere and looks suspiciously like Nightmare Moon, and also by sheer coincidence portrayed Nightmare Moon unsettlingly well in a play not two weeks prior. What happens there? When Fluttershy turns into a tree, they murmur and seem suspicious. However, they all show up for the tug of war competition a scene later and appear to have completely forgotten. When Nyx performs yet another feat of uncommon magic, they once again murmur and seem suspicious. Are they ever going to do anything else?

The events of the story in general often don't make sense. As I've already explained, it would be highly inappropriate and unfair to have a tug of war contest between a group of near-adult males and a group of prepubescent females take place at a friendly school competition. So why is it happening and being treated as normal? The reason is because Peen Stroke wanted to have Nyx use magic to win an unwinnable contest by herself in order to advance his plot, so he just set up the scene without thinking about how little sense it actually makes.

Pic related, because this stinks.

5949e No.256011

>>255941
>So it is just laughable later on in the series where Sirious talks about the world not being split into good people annd bad people (Saw this in the movie, I don't know if it is in the books). I mean the conflict is pretty straight forward because Harry's enemies are such twats.
Yes, the books try to say "People aren't black and white!" often even though everything is as black and white as it gets. Usually "Not always black and whiiiiiite!" is sang whenever Rowling wants to excuse an incompetent abusive adult who used Harry like a goddamn disposable lighter, or made his journey harder through malice/incompetence.
And
>You think that's bad?
During the final battle, the Battle of Hogwarts, where all the forces of light fight all the forces of darkness, aka like 38 good guys in a school of varying ages fight against 50ish Death Gobblers until Voldemort shows up to get one-shotted by Harry after Neville slices Voldemort's snake in half(killing the final horcrux Respawn Point of Voldy's even though Harry Ron and Hermione went on a multi-month adventure to hunt down all the other horcrux Respawn Points and destroy them leaving the Wizard Kids behind to suffer and get abused by Umbridge and two, count em two, abusive evil death gobbler teachers. All of this torture is mentioned briefly and then glossed over), and there's a scene where "Voldemort's terrifying Number Two bitch, the eeeevil Bellatrix LeStrange, with her spooky wide eyes and crazy love for Voldy and willingness to torture kittens", doesn't get killed by a character-developed Neville on the way to killing Voldy's Snake. Instead Bellatrix LeShit is killed by the Weasley's mom for trying to shoot Ginny Weasley aka Harry's love interest…
Got distracted, I'll start again.
During the final battle, where all the goodies "prepare to fight the baddies" aka sit around and wait for the baddies to show up and smash their shield wall and begin a free-for-all gunfight where only the teachers use interesting magic and all baddies Cast Instant Death (all scenes of the kids having Signature Spells were added in the movie)
All of the Slytherin kids refuse to fight the Death Gobblers and this is treated as proof of their villainy, even though most of them probably have parents or older brothers in that army. So the Slytherin kids are locked away in the dungeons to do fuck all during the fight, which goes off without a hitch as Harry wins in the end when Voldy and Harry shoot each other, both die because of something Rowling retconned in at the last moment, Harry talks to Dumbledore in the afterlife for some pseudo-philosophy, then Harry gets a +1up videogame style and comes back to life.
What was retconned in at the last moment? A fundamental law about how wands work: If you disarm someone with Harry's signature move Expelliarmus, then you become the New Boss of that wand forever and it will kill its owner if its owner tries to use it against you. Yes even though harry used Expelliarmus all the time until that point and it never caused that until now.
So yeah, in the end all Slytherin kids are either on the side of Voldemort and his Dick Eaters- I mean Death Eaters, or they're hiding in the dungeon like cowards.
Rowling later realized how profitable it would be for the Pottermore website to sort people into all four houses including Slytherin. And she decided she wanted to sell more Slytherin merch to everyone, not just the little girls so sexually attracted to wearing lacy black bodices while getting fucked by brooding abusive dark-haired tall rich pretty-boys, that they fail to notice how Draco and all other Slytheries are fucking losers who fail to be "cool evil" and just act like childish one-dimensional school bullies all fucking story.
So Rowling retconned her book quite blatantly by yelling "Ackshually, the kids didn't hide in the dungeon and do nothing. Instead they ran off to the Wizard Village of Hogsmeade to gather a bunch of adults not working for Hogwarts. Then they brought this fresh new army to the Battle of Hogwarts to overwhelm the Death Gobblers from behind! It was clever and tactical, because why fight now in a fair fight when you can run away and then come back to crush your enemies when the fight is no longer fair?".

5949e No.256012

>>255941
>Darco talks about pure-blood and is evil but like I as a nationalist cannot recoognice myself in him because of his sitty behavoir and lack of arguments. It is like she hasn't considered her own universe at all. In the series, it seems to be implied that either you have the right genetics for magic or you don't. That's why the Weasley's children are all mages while most muggles give birth too muggles. It seems to be a recessive trait that or at least a rare trait. Is it so weird or are they so unjustified to see to it that this trait is preserved. Like literally, their entire culture will vanish if their are noone who can do magic. In fact, there are creatures, such as the dementors, that muggles can't see. If there are no wizards to combat them, wouldn't be muggles be fucked?
Rowling accidentally created a world where humans mean absolutely nothing because Wizards are the superior race in body, mind, and spirit. I've seen shitty Elf stories by Elfkin faggots that don't go as far as she did. Wizards learn faster, heal faster, have tougher bones, and can use any spell ever. There are never "I am not strong enough to use this spell" scenes, only "My spell failed because my wand is broken" or "I am not born with the gift to use this arbitrarily-rare magic like Specific Animal Transformation, Limitless Transformation, or Snake-ese Speaking".
Rowling wrote the strongest and meanest and oldest and stupidest wizards as the strongest, and only Hermione is allowed to buck this trend because she's Muggle Sue. Neville going from coward to hero doesn't count because he was an afterthought in the books. Nobody can escape the destiny they are born with no matter how hard one tries. You're born a hero, a baddie, or a nobody. For fuck's sake, I saw a Power Rangers series as a kid that did "Destiny can be changed" way better than this.
Fanfics of the era often used this premise where women are taken by the government and given to the pure-bloods(strongest wizards) as an excuse for pairings to quicky get together. Hermione would be given to Draco and they'd hate it at first, then they'd fuck and like it.
I've

5949e No.256013

>>256012
only ever seen one fandom use this premise in my life, and it's Naruto where your "Bloodline" and heritage quite literally dictates whether you are or are not allowed to use certain spells.
It doesn't matter how hard someone like Rock Lee trains, he can't outfight someone born with special eyes like Madara or Pain.
Ice, Magma, magnetism, growing extra bones to chop someone up with bone swords, white eyes with a 360-degree sphere of sight, eyes that see the future and spit magical black flames and make Gundams around you, eyes that summon meteors and reanimate the dead and give you 24 unique powers to split across up to 6 bodies, mouths on your hands that chew up and spit out exploding clay, eyes that can perfectly mind-control anyone once per day, superheated fireballs that evaporate the water in your body on contact, CREATING A PERFECT COPY OF SOMEONE YOU CAN COMMAND AND CONTROL FULLY FROM ANY DISTANCE WHILST STILL RETAINING THEIR SKILLS AND ABILITIES, merging your body with someone else's to kill it or become a freaky mutant, being born fast, laser beams made of electrified water, being a god of wood and nature and life, all of these bullshit abilities are things some people are born with, and some people are not.
Then there are the techniques that are basically clan-only but not really. Shooting your mind into someone else to control them, stabbing someone with your shadow or linking your shadow to theirs to control them, growing fifty feet tall, merging with your dog, things that are "family secrets" but not actual bloodline-only abilities.
HOWEVER
Naruto ADMITS that this is a fucked-up and unfair system.
Harry Potter refuses to look deeply at its own system. The villain is BORN EVIL because his RAPIST MOTHER drugged a MUGGLE MAN with LOVE POTION, so due to the circumstances of his birth he's physically unable to feel love.
And LOVE POTIONS are sold on school grounds by "Good guys" like the Prankster Twins Fred and George.
Harry Potter is a fucked-up world that fails to admit this! It doesn't write its heroes as people who want to change things for the better. Harry just becomes a cop for the fucked-up govt once everything is said and done, no muggle-wizard integration happens, the magic and muggle worlds are still secret, nobody learns anything from Voldemort's existence or rise to power, nobody feels like decentralizing government power or banning Love Potions, and Hermione's treated like a dumbfuck SJW for thinking the House Elves (Creatures created to be slaves, be abused, and love it) deserve rights.
Meanwhile Naruto admits what a fucked-up world it has.
It admits that child soldiers are fucked up things to use, even when used out of necessity. It admits how fucked up it is that some adult swordsman who trained his whole life can find some gutter-trash orphan in the middle of nowhere and recruit him, getting a deadly ice god on his side willing to kill for the man who made him feel important and wanted.
The protagonist Naruto Uzumaki wants to bring about world peace and end the cycles of violence that chew Ninjas up and spit them out after using them like tools. And he wants the love of his village even though it treated him like shit. This contrasts him with Sasuke whose goal is just to "kill the bad individuals" he hates this week, until he has this stupidity beaten out of him by the hero Naruto.
Naruto has villains who lack Kekkei Genkais (bloodline-limited abilities), yet still work as threats because of money and influence and having people with KGs working for them. A villainous organization of eleven people with OP KGs are able to threaten the entire world because KGs are bullshit. Some villains are motivated by their desire to steal these bullshit abilities and collect them all and matter. The final villain (before godly retcon bullshit) ends up being the KGless understudy of a KGless villain who steals a ton of KGs and then resurrects an army of dead ninjas with KGs to declare war on the entire world.
Naruto turns a fight between someone "born perfect" by having a monster shoved into him and some nobody who trained real hard into a goddamn work of art.
Someone who doesn't need to try, and can just stand with arms folded while his sand blocks everything for him, VS someone who tries with all his might to fight destiny and become somebody.
This one fight in a cheesy battle shonen aimed at kids is literally better storytelling than everything in the multi-million-word Harry Potter series.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFvaq-Ntds4

5949e No.256014

>>255958
>Time-travel in Harry Potter works like a closed loop according to this idea.
Yeah, except when time travel isn't working as a closed loop and is being used to make permanent changes like saving Buckbeak's pointless life.
And when it's used in a shitty sequel The Cursed Child where someone goes back in time to fuck up the Harry Potter series and then has to go back to unfuck it a few times until everything's hunky dory once more.

44f59 No.256030

>>255889
Had to read a review, regardless: answer to that is yes. It's power fantasy jew-wank material.

>>256009
I warned you about this shit. Look what happened: Rod Serling came to visit you, and now you're enacting a self-fulfillying prophecy. You were warned. You could have prevented this. All of this. Why didn't you read the warnings?

56f78 No.256033

File: 1579126628697.jpg (600.86 KB, 1300x810, 1573942211153.jpg)

>>256009
>Logically she should be in the middle of a massive identity crisis right now; winning a tug of war contest should be the least of her worries.
As I don't read this, I have obviously not thought about this but this is so true. That is the most intresting part after all. If Nyx isn't suppose to contemplate what this revaletion means for her alone and with Twilight, what is intresting about this?
Predictably, the story continue to be shallow not deep. Nyx will probably whine about how she can't change who she is or something else equally melodramtic. I mean consider that both Nyx and Twilight have had, so far, such a surface level analysis of the situation why should we expect anything more from them.
But yeah, your right, "This stinks" and I like many more things in this post.
>Pic is very related and I use it as subtle commantary on the world as we know it

56f78 No.256035

File: 1579130939408.png (148.55 KB, 1600x1200, ponerwithhitleronaisland.png)

>>256013
>Harry Potter refuses to look deeply at its own system. The villain is BORN EVIL because his RAPIST MOTHER drugged a MUGGLE MAN with LOVE POTION, so due to the circumstances of his birth he's physically unable to feel love.
And LOVE POTIONS are sold on school grounds by "Good guys" like the Prankster Twins Fred and George.

Kek, I didn't know that about Voldemort. Wtf.

>It doesn't write its heroes as people who want to change things for the better.

>nobody learns anything from Voldemort's existence or rise to power
Yeah, it is like the status quo that was before was perfect and didn't need to change. You think they would at least removed the slytherin house or different houses altogether since it is pretty clear, to them anyway, who becomes evil and who doesn't. I wouldn't really have liked that inclusion in the story but it would make since for these characters to do so.

If I was a wizard in that world I would actually be against house-elf liberation as well (but I agree that these wizards and witches should be
considering this based on theiir own values). Not because I'm too lazy to wave a wand to manage shores but because the elfs are just way stronger in magic so it would be a logical conclusion that they would take over the world if they were given a chance.
From what I know of the HP universe wands are used to direct ones magic for wizards and only the most talented wizards (I guess you might be able to train for it as well but I don't know), like Dumbledore really use magic without a wand. Wands are like a support item for people with lesser magic ability, it seems to imply.
But house elves? They don't point as I have seen Dumbledore do in the movies to direct their magic, they SNAP their fingers. I don't know how they direct their magic with snapping their fingers but they do.
I have head-canon theory for why this is. It is also intreting to note that ancient magic are the most powerfulest, for example the magic that saved Harry that his mother used. And we also know that the house-elves became servants/slaves to wizards, well I assume, far back in the past.
It seems to sugguest that Wizards were superior than elfs back in time but due to mixing with no magic people they have no become less powerful than the elves.

In fact, Dobby is a liabilty to the entire humanity. What if a free house elf would start going after other wizard families that has house-elves to free them. Torture them and say, "Free your house-elf or you die." Then there is two house-elves to worry about.

>What was retconned in at the last moment? A fundamental law about how wands work: If you disarm someone with Harry's signature move Expelliarmus, then you become the New Boss of that wand forever and it will kill its owner if its owner tries to use it against you. Yes even though harry used Expelliarmus all the time until that point and it never caused that until now.


Yeah, I have been trying to make sense of what happend there but there based on the movie alone. Nice explaination. Yeah, why did he die from expelliarmus?

However, I have thought about this stupid retcon that she did about wands. Through the series, people have been disarming eachother left and right. I mean they even have practice duals in Hogwarts. Are theyy not allowed to use disarming spell then or what?
I mean if a wizard disarms a witch then he now owns both of their wands. This means the witch cannot use either of that guys wand to attack him with since, as you pointed out, fucking expelliarmus can (or always will?) kill you if you cast that spell at the master of the wand you cast the spell with. Or is it in stream wands off that that happens? Idk.
What I really wanted to get to is that you can never get back to the original situation were the wizard had his wand and the witch had hers so practice is impossible with this rules.
I mean if the witch who lost her wand…

Oh, I forgot a puzzle piece in this. Right, the rule is: So long as you beat the master (disarms them) then all of his wands belong to you. This is ture because that is how Harry gains ownership of the Elderwand. He doesn't disarm the Elderwand from Draco because he doesn't posses iit, Voldemort does, but at that moment he is the master of it. This means that so long as you dis arm a person, you now own all of their wands or was that just the Elderwand?

It seems to imply that you can never return to the status quo because you can't win back just your wand, you win all the other person's wands.
This should make it impossible to train disarming spells with students.

Don't know what it means to use anothers wand either. Do they ever go through that in the books and explain what one can do with another wand and what one can't odwith anothers wand? Like in normal cases, a master can give their servant an order, is it similar here. Wouldn't it be kinda funny if all this time Voldemort used the Elderwand, Harry could have just ordered it to stop.

>doesn't get killed by a character-developed Neville on the way to killing Voldy's Snake. Instead Bellatrix LeShit is killed by the Weasley's mom

Yeah, it made me go like. Wait, was Voldemort's elites just a bunch of pussies or is Molly the secret chief director of aurors or what is happening here? It isn't satisfying I any remote way. Especially for me that kind of like her constant crazy behavoir. Yeah, she wasn't very deep but she stood out among the death eaters and had some form of personality.

56f78 No.256037

>>256035
I guess that I would still be for houe-elves having their own nation. It is just hat security measurments would be needed to be in place before that so that we aren't fucked. Otherwise, a slave master relationship doesn't necessary needs to be vile. As pets and their owners have good relationships afterall.

55e03 No.256049

>>256035
>>256013
>Harry Potter refuses to look deeply at its own system. The villain is BORN EVIL because his RAPIST MOTHER drugged a MUGGLE MAN with LOVE POTION, so due to the circumstances of his birth he's physically unable to feel love.
This is kind of amusing, actually. As much as these books are hyped by lefties as being some kind of progressive feminist fairy tale, this is basically Catholic original sin doctrine: man is born evil because of the sins of woman. I guess we can add the Bible to the list of things that no-talent cunt plagiarized.

>Harry Potter is a fucked-up world that fails to admit this! It doesn't write its heroes as people who want to change things for the better. Harry just becomes a cop for the fucked-up govt once everything is said and done, no muggle-wizard integration happens, the magic and muggle worlds are still secret, nobody learns anything from Voldemort's existence or rise to power, nobody feels like decentralizing government power or banning Love Potions, and Hermione's treated like a dumbfuck SJW for thinking the House Elves (Creatures created to be slaves, be abused, and love it) deserve rights.

This is more or less a summation of my problem with it. It presents itself as a tale of moral absolutes, but its absolutes don't stand for anything. The good guys are the good guys because they're wearing the white hats and the bad guys are the bad guys because they're wearing the black hats.

Compare Harry Potter to something like The Lord of the Rings: they both take place in worlds of absolute good and absolute evil. The difference is, Tolkien takes an explicit stance on what good and evil actually are. Evil is corruption, pursuit of power for its own sake, unbridled conquest, destruction of natural environment, unchecked industry, and world empire without morals, goals or purpose. Good is nature, natural order, aesthetic beauty, self-determination of national groups, and striving for excellence.

In Harry Potter, evil is some scary-looking guy who wants to destroy magical faggot wizard-land for no reason other than that he wants to and can, and good is some faggot and his faggot friends who want to save magical faggot wizard-land for no reason other than to save it. The reader is clearly supposed to side with Harry and the Good Guys™, but the stories never make any particularly compelling argument for why the good guys are good, or why magical wizard-land ought to be saved. the whole story of Harry Potter takes place in a separate realm cut off from our own, with no meaningful connection to it even though there is technically commerce between the two worlds. Middle Earth, by contrast, is a realm completely separate from our own, yet it can be read either as a direct allegory for our world, or more accurately as a story depicting universal truths that are as applicable to our world as any other.

Harry Potter is a completely modern story in that regard: it presents moral absolutes, but its absolutes are simply ideological statements with no substance behind them, that are used as definitions for themselves. Hogwarts™ and Dumbledore™ are good because they're Good™. Harry Potter™ fights for Good™, therefore Voldemort™ is bad by definition for opposing what has been decreed Good™ by the people whose job it is to tell us what "good" means. By the same logic, Democracy™ is good because it's Good™, therefore anything opposed to it is bad. We're allowed to occasionally criticize specific Democracies for not living up to the ideals of Democracy™, but we're never allowed to criticize Democracy™ itself. Same thing goes for Diversity™, Equality™, Civil Rights™, Science™, Feminism™, etc.

The more you pull these books apart, the easier it is to see why progressives are so gay for them, despite (or perhaps because of) their extremely low quality and complete lack of literary value.

55e03 No.256062

File: 1579162942216.png (110.09 KB, 500x550, file-1164393398-ipg-18-kb-….png)

>>256009

Anyway, back to the story itself. The first few paragraphs of this chapter are basically the tug of war scene from Twilight's perspective. Nyx's use of extremely OP magic seems to have caused a physical transformation as well, resulting in her mane and tail shifting into the physics-defying shimmery thing that all the princesses have.

At this point, it's probably safe to say that Nyx's cover is 100% blown. Forget the cult and Princess Celestia; literally anypony who is not an absolute fucking retard would logically have to have figured it out by now. Comprehensively, the events of the last few chapters were about as subtle as Bruce Wayne driving around Gotham in the Batmobile with the top down, in broad daylight, playing the "Batman" theme through the sound system and tossing Batarangs at passersby that have his Wayne Enterprises business card taped to the back, with "Bruce Wayne" scratched out and replaced with "Batman".

However, instead of maybe acknowledging this and contemplating what moves she can make from here in order to protect Nyx from the now inevitable fallout, Twilight instead delves headlong into her usual meditations:

>For the first time since the evening Nyx had called her “mom”, Twilight doubted herself. Could Nyx really be Nightmare Moon? She had always argued that Nyx just looked like the infamous Mare in the Moon, but, with those memories returning and her level of magic, was it possible she really was Nightmare Moon?


>Part of Twilight’s mind snapped at these thoughts, cracking a mental whip like an animal tamer driving a beast back into its cage. No, Nyx was not Nightmare Moon! The filly was too sweet, too well behaved, too… sensitive to ever be Nightmare Moon! She was happy. She played and laughed with her friends. Yes, Nightmare Moon laughed at times, but her laughter was maddening and born of scorn and thoughts of domination, not true happiness.


*sigh*. Peen Stroke, at this point, "faggot" is too mild a word. You are beyond the common faggotry of mere mortals. You have ascended to levels of gayness previously thought unattainable by sciences both Profane and Sacred. You have gone beyond merely sucking dick; you inhale dicks the way that normal men inhale oxygen. Doctors and biologists are currently scrambling to think up Latin names for the new human orifices you have invented in your own body, simply because you needed new holes to stuff dicks in. You have transcended the very laws of time and space itself, to exist in a quantum realm of infinite states, just so you could simultaneously experience every single possible moment in every single possible timeline, cramming every single dick that exists, has ever existed, ever will exist, and ever could exist, into every conceivable crevice of your body, and exist that way in 10 dimensional gay space for all eternity. You are the Faggot Nataraja, meditating eternally in Penis Nirvana under the Bodhi Tree of Infinite Cocks. Not even Giga Mike Pence supplied with infinite electricity could shock the gay out of you. You, sir, are the one whom the scriptures foretold, the Alpha and the Omega, the Faggot to end all Faggots, the One who shall absorb all penises in the known universe into the Great Penis Singularity, destroying this Multiverse and giving birth to another; a great and terrible Multiverse comprised solely of the pure, unadulterated, Platonic Form of pure faggotry. You, Peen Stroke, are the Quantum Faggot.

Anyway, the problem here is that at this point this whole concern is redundant on Twilight's part. It goes back to what I was saying in my previous post, that even though these characters behave in accordance with their personalities and react more or less appropriately to situations, there's no real continuity or growth between scenes. How many damn times is Twilight going to go over this? She's just stuck on endless repeat with the same batch of questions, and even the story, such as it is, has moved on.

The pressing question is not "Is Nyx really Nightmare Moon?" At this point it's quite obvious that she is. Not only to the reader, but to pretty much every significant character in the story. Nyx herself is aware of it. Thanks to the frankly preposterous events of the preceding chapter, the entire town of Ponyville should be aware of it at this point. Not only should Twilight be aware of it, it's established fact at this point that she is. She and Nyx had an extensive conversation about it. Thus, there is no reason for her to still be meditating on the subject. At this point, the question is not: "is this cute little filly really Nightmare Moon?" The question is: "What the shit do I do about the fact that this cute little filly, with whom I have formed a relationship and to whom I am now responsible, is Nightmare Moon?"

And if I may offer a suggestion, this question should ideally be explored through the events of the story, rather than in Twilight's head.

Anyway, with all that said, I will admit that an interesting question is brought up here. Twilight at one point realizes that if Nyx is really an alicorn princess, her "daughter" is basically a being of substantially greater power than she is, who will outlive her by probably thousands of years. Sort of a Mary Mother of God thing. This is an interesting story theme and could potentially be fertile ground for some interesting developments in Twilight and Nyx's relationship were it to be explored. Will this story rise to the challenge and explore it in a way that does it justice?

>Nyx nodded, returned the kazoo to her mouth, and blew on it loudly as she ran inside. Twilight smiled at this, but it was a smile destined to wither and die.


I'm not holding my breath. pic related, it's Peen Stroke's inspiration for Twilight

56f78 No.256081

>>256049
>Harry Potter is a completely modern story in that regard: it presents moral absolutes, but its absolutes are simply ideological statements with no substance behind them, that are used as definitions for themselves. Hogwarts™ and Dumbledore™ are good because they're Good™. Harry Potter™ fights for Good™, therefore Voldemort™ is bad by definition for opposing what has been decreed Good™ by the people whose job it is to tell us what "good" means. By the same logic, Democracy™ is good because it's Good™, therefore anything opposed to it is bad. We're allowed to occasionally criticize specific Democracies for not living up to the ideals of Democracy™, but we're never allowed to criticize Democracy™ itself. Same thing goes for Diversity™, Equality™, Civil Rights™, Science™, Feminism™, etc.

Yeah, really well put.
I agree. It is weird because there are always some faggot justifying their degenerate behavoir by saying that good and evil doesn't exist but these people alwasy see mt ofail to understadn that if goo and evil doesn't exist there is no reason for me to tolerate your disgusting degenerate behavoir. It is weird right because, especially were I live, it seems status quo that morality is fake (I don't use the word artifical becausse yes it is but that doesn't mean it doesn't carry value and artifical just mean +++someone+++ create it ;P) so it is weird when people are outrage over racism. Either they are jusst dishonest, as they don't actually believe in morality, and are just acting for sycophantic reasons or they actually belive there is something that is good and something that is wrong(racism).

Anyway, so
>but we're never allowed to criticize Democracy™ itself. Same thing goes for Diversity™, Equality™, Civil Rights™, Science™, Feminism™, etc.
is well put I think. Because yeah, it ties int othis idea I think that. What this system really is about is that we have learnt that good is love the authorities and evil is to not do so. It seems to be all about hte law not a deeper discussion were the superior reasoning why something is good is what is right but because the law and by extention the powers that are says so.

It is almost funny in that regard that Harry is just answering to the threats, just like a lot of ther heroes of our time, becausethe stories that I think about and want to write are about characters like, Light Yagami, who took it upon himself to do something. He was proactive and tried to change the world to for the better rather than being attack.
I don't mean to disrespect stories, such as lord of the rings, that does this. I don't necessarily think that a story is autmoatically better if they do either of these thing to the other. I do, think it is intersting though that the superhero movies and harry potter and so on are stories wih heores that protect the status quo rather than challenging it.
Maybe. but i don't know. This analysis of mine might be kinda pointless since Star wars and Django unchained are both movies that are about challenging the status quo.
I feel that there is something to this analysis, though, but I can't pput my finger on it. Whaterver.

56f78 No.256082

>>256062
This whole post was pretty funny actually.
But yeah, why is Twilight still in this roundabout of thoughts. Like how did this fic get popular when it should drive them insane. I mean, yeah, hasn't Twilight already stated and confirmed that Nyx is Nightmare Moon to Nyx herself?
This review series just opens up a new can of worms of questions. As in, why did this fic ever get popular when is has all of these problems?

56f78 No.256083

>>256062
>I will admit that an interesting question is brought up here. Twilight at one point realizes that if Nyx is really an alicorn princess, her "daughter" is basically a being of substantially greater power than she is, who will outlive her by probably thousands of years. Sort of a Mary Mother of God thing. This is an interesting story theme and could potentially be fertile ground for some interesting developments in Twilight and Nyx's relationship were it to be explored. Will this story rise to the challenge and explore it in a way that does it justice?
Yeah, that would be intresting. Especially since she wasn't an Alicorn and the fandom did have it confirmed that she would become one either at this point in time.

55e03 No.256096

>>256094
I know I would.

f7090 No.256098

>>256082
One could pose the same question of alot of the fandom-related music.
Pretty sure for alot of people the answer is "cuz ponies!"

e3f04 No.256099

>>256035
If I remember right, the Love Potion bit was metaphorical, rather then literal.
Still a shit series tho

5949e No.256111

>>256099
Unless that infinicunt Rowling retconned it, Voldy's mother literally used a date-rape potion on a muggle man to give birth to a boy who feels bad about not being fully wizard.
Eventually the mother stops giving the father the drugs, so he flees with the child.
The orphaned rapebaby is then given to the orphanage system so he can scare other kids with his power to magically abuse kids and talk to snakes.
He is a product of the wizarding world's treatment of muggles.
Getting all wizards to treat muggles better would prevent future Voldemorts.
But nobody thinks of this because Liberals refuse to admit their corrupt mockeries of civilization can fail people or birth people who want it burned down for any reason other than "mwa ha ha".
So like all "not true nazis who wanna exterminate all other not treue nazis ahahahaa hypocrite hahaha" faggots who exist in the minds of Liberals, he's a Mudblood who wants to exterminate all other Mudbloods while creating a "Blood Supremacists and pureblood wizards only" world that would kill him upon finding out who he truly is, because faggoty liberal writers think just because the Aryan Ideal exists also begins and ends at "blonde hair blue eyes" so because not all Germans looked like that all Germans are hypocrites.
Don't think too hard about why the school with records on all students doesn't just publish all data on Tom Marvolo Riddle aka "I am Lord Voldemort" himself.

5949e No.256112

>>256111
>a boy who feels bad about not being fully wizard.
and also can't love thanks to the effects of being conceived under love potion

44f59 No.256139

File: 1579243740090.jpeg (42.51 KB, 600x419, 1512470771202.jpeg)

>>256082
Those questions, and hundreds more, are precisely why most of us that came from j00t's microdick website happen to shit on every nyxcuck that rears their inbred faces on the horizon. All it has is a basic nigger bitch bandwagon appeal with emotional screeching moments and a !!DeEpLy EnGaGiNg PloT!! that is filled with !!PoNy CuLtUrE!! references. Nothing more, nor less.

5949e No.256170

>>256139
Aye. I'm not trying to doubt or dick on Glim here but I'm not sure what else he can say about this fic. The sooner this is over and done with so any other story can be analyzed and shat on, the better.
How many more ways can anyone say "This story is terrible because: the writing is low-iq, nobody acts in a reasonable manner that makes sense given their characterizations and backstories, scene to scene continuity is nonexistent, it's a paint-by-numbers frankenstein's monster of popular cliches stolen and misused Rowling-style, unfunny pony references to please bronyfags are everywhere, emotions are tools the author uses clumsily to try and make you feeeeel instead of telling an actual interesting story, and the fundamental premise of the story is broken because Nyx is not the embodiment of any past sins and she doesn't really suffer due to the sins of others anyway, and in the end she kills Nega Nightmare Moon to become her own pony and that's the end"?
I'll keep reading because I want to see how it ends, but the same valid complaints keep redundantly repeating because the faggot author never grows or improves or moves away from a framework he lacks the skill to use correctly. You'd think he'd get SOME improvement as he keeps writing and keeps getting more "feedback" (cocksucking) from his 14 cheerleaders- I mean reviewers, but he just keeps being a faggot.

e3f04 No.256172

We done talking about rowling and her boytoy wizard?

55e03 No.256180

File: 1579305645148.jpg (66.1 KB, 457x658, c10-80.jpg)

>>256170
Hmm. This is actually a rather good point. Nevertheless, my autism compels me to finish this. I might try to speed it up a bit, though.

>>256172
I am. If you guys want to keep blabbering about it in the background though I'm not going to stop you.

>>256062
Moving right along.

The next subchapter begins with Rarity running errands. I'd like to have a quick look at this paragraph:

>Rarity stopped in her tracks. She had been running errands in Ponyville, but they were now a trivial concern. Twilight had been uncommonly reclusive for a few days, ever since the Learn and Play Day. Now, that alone wasn’t too abnormal, but the aggravated shout Rarity had just heard made her worry. Abandoning her planned route, she strode right up to the library’s front door and knocked several times.


This is a rather clumsy way of doing this. If I understand this correctly, Rarity is going about her daily business, when she hears a shout coming from Twilight's tree and goes to investigate. That alone is fine, but with the way this is written, Rarity's behavior seems weird and robotic. She's just walking around shopping and thinking about fashion, and then the second she hears a noise, her train of thought just instantly leaps from whatever she's doing to Twilight and all this stuff from Learn and Play Day that happened (presumably) days ago. It doesn't make a ton of sense. Unless Rarity has been really hung up on what happened with Nyx (which is possible I suppose, but I don't get that impression from this passage), her attention should mostly be focused on her errands and whatever fashion project she's in the middle of. The noise suddenly alarms her, and she goes to investigate. That's all that really needs to be said here.

While it makes sense for the reader's focus to be on the events of the previous chapter, for the characters in the story life has moved on. Even if these characters are still thinking about it (which from the strangeness of the events we can probably assume many of them would be) it still has to be approached in a believable way.

Anyway, Rarity goes into the library and Twilight immediately panics and starts hiding things the second she enters. Rarity picks up one of the crumpled papers she'd tried to hide, probably expecting to find that Twilight was looking at Rule 34 of her, but is disappointed to find that it's just a letter she was writing to Princess Celestia about Nyx. Twilight confesses that she has been awake for the last three days agonizing about this, and Rarity decides to offer a friendly ear.

>Despite the odd looks she received from passersby on the street, Rarity carried Twilight all the way back to Carousel Boutique. She then sat Twilight at her kitchen table and prepared an early afternoon tea.

This seems completely unnecessary. They could have just as easily had tea at Twilight's place, and just because Twilight hasn't slept doesn't mean she can't walk. Protip for authors: try not to make your story any more complicated than it has to be.

>Twilight didn’t lift her head from the table. She only rolled her head enough to look at Rarity from the corner of the eye before she said, “Rarity… I know, I finally know for sure that Nyx is Nightmare Moon.”

>Rarity lifted her hoof from Twilight’s shoulder, unable to believe the words she had just heard leave Twilight’s mouth. “You know? How do you know?”
I…just…*sigh*. There's no point in going over all this again. Peen Stroke, you are a sperm-gargling homosexual from beyond the stars.

Anyway, it's looking like all of this deliberation about Nightmare Moon may finally be drawing to a close. Twilight seems to pick a side when she stops herself from referring to Nyx by name and instead calls her Nightmare Moon.

>Twilight looked up at Rarity, desperation in her eyes. “Rarity, what if she takes her away? What if she sends her to the moon? I’d never see her again. She’d be all alone, and she hates that. And what would I tell her friends when they ask where she’s gone? They’d want to see her, want to write her letters, but how would I send letters to the moon?”

This is probably meant to be heart-wrenching, and I suppose if you're able to ignore all of the clumsy storytelling up to this point, it could be. Twilight is understandably in agony here: she's caught between what her rational mind and sense of duty tells her is the right thing to do, and what her heart is telling her.

However, if you're like me and you're not able to ignore the clumsy storytelling, this passage is laughably ridiculous. "H-h-how would I send letters to the moon?" Tippity top kekkles. I laughed for like twelve solid minutes after I read that.

Incidentally, in "the business", this kind of decision is usually referred to as the crossroads moment, or the point in a character's arc where she has to make a moral choice which determines how the rest of the story is going to go. This crossroads moment is remarkably similar to the one in Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, where Huck has to decide whether to help Jim the slave escape and find his family, or to dutifully return Miss Watson's missing property, so that he may be appropriately flogged and then re-harnessed to his cotton gin. And, much like Huck Finn, I rather suspect Twilight is going to make the wrong choice here. But let's watch.

55e03 No.256192

File: 1579312590613.jpg (129.07 KB, 799x600, d76c18f1e63b57ad621162091f….jpg)

>>256180
Continuing.

>Twilight, do you know what happened last week? The Cutie Mark Crusaders, Nyx included, came stumbling into my shop covered in honey, leaving sticky hoofprints all across my front room.

Wakka chicka wokka chicka.

Anyway, despite all this retardation about sending ponies to the moon and so forth, this conversation isn't terrible. Twilight, unfortunately, just keeps repeating the same fears she has voiced to the reader over and over up until now, most of which were fairly stupid to begin with, and we don't really get anything new or insightful out of her. As such, the pathos attempted here mostly falls flat. However, Rarity's side of the dialog is more or less ok. She makes some fairly sensible points: that Nyx may have NM's personality and memories, but she is her own person (pony, whatever), and that Twilight's care has likely had a positive influence on her. Twilight has been sperging out in isolation over a serious problem, and Rarity listens to her friend's concerns and puts them into perspective for her. All in all it's a nice friendship moment, consistent with the show's overall themes.

Naturally, Peen Stroke ruins it by dropping in some more unnecessary references to events from the series, including the bit about Twilight turning her parents into plants that he's referenced several times already. Seriously, it was like a two second gag from a flashback clip; it does not deserve this much attention.

We are also reminded that the aftermath of the last chapter's events really wasn't made clear. How did the town react to what Nyx did? Has the temperature changed somewhat? Are the townsponies treating the two of them differently now? It really wasn't resolved. The way the chapter ends, it sort of implies that Twilight just sort of scooped up Nyx and slunk away, and that's how they left it, but we don't know for certain that was the case.

It isn't made significantly clearer here. At one point, Rarity mentions that rumors are circulating about what happened, and suggests that Twilight and Nyx remain visible and act normal. Twilight mentions that she "considered" hiding. This implies that…she hasn't been hiding? Yet the whole premise of this scene is that she's been cooped up in the library for three days and Rarity has been worried. And where has Nyx been lately? Has she just been wandering around town, playing with her friends? If the town is starting to view her differently, wouldn't that make things a bit uncomfortable for her? Shouldn't Twilight be worried that she might get targeted for more bullying, or could inadvertently draw more attention to herself? And what about that spy Pinkie was chasing? Are Twilight and Rarity aware of that situation, or is that Pinkie's deal? Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash know about it, but they could have mentioned it to Twilight, since it was Nyx they were watching. Which of her friends has Twilight been in contact with since Learn and Play Day, or has she just been sitting in the library alone writing letters all this time?

This story has so many frayed loose ends flapping around in the breeze right now it's ridiculous. You have to think about these kinds of things when you're writing. Obviously you don't want to bog down your text with a ton of unnecessary details, but an author should generally know where his characters are and what each of them are doing at all times, even if it happens "off camera" or if none of it factors into the story. Maintaining a consistent, logical timeline of events when writing helps avoid continuity errors and confusion.

Anyway, whatever. Twilight and Rarity go to the spa and that's how the subchapter ends. I wonder if Rarity had to carry Twilight to the spa as well? Maybe the tea rejuvenated her fucking legs and she can miraculously walk now.

Next scene is Nyx's sleepover. When the scene begins, the fillies appear to have played some sort of game that got out of hand and resulted in Big Mac being tied up wakka chicka wokka chicka. They are subsequently sent to bed early, but don't want to go to sleep yet. Unsurprisingly, Peen Stroke drops in yet another show reference in the form of Twilight's book on sleepovers from the sleepover episode. Although this reference is a little better, in that it actually fits into the story instead of pulling the story off track just to make the reference. This is an example of the kind of referencing of source material that it's usually ok to do, as long as they don't end up spending their sleepover talking about Twilight's sleepover.

>We… could… have a pillow fight.”

>“We’ve only got four pillows, and my bedroom is too small,” Apple Bloom said, shooting down the idea.
This makes no fucking sense. There's four of them, and they have four pillows; that is literally all you need to have a pillow fight.

Anyway, they end up playing truth or dare wakka chicka wokka chicka. They change it to "truth or challenge," and it's a little unclear what the difference is exactly, but I can probably let that slide. Nyx is inexplicably uncomfortable with the idea, which seems to foreshadow that something bad is going to happen as a result. Personally, I think they should have just played Trivial Pursuit: MLP Edition. That way, Peen Stroke could have gotten all of his stupid obscure references and background character namedrops out of his system. But whatever, let's see where it goes.

One more minor thing: I'm not complaining about her being gone, but I have to say it's a little odd that Twist seems to have faded out of the story. In this world she was originally part of this group of friends, and as I recall Nyx was closer to her than she was to Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo. However, it's mostly been the CMC plus Nyx for awhile now, with no mention of Twist. It's somewhat odd for the author to set up one group of friends, then suddenly change it without explanation.

5949e No.256194

>>256180
>The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
Never got around to reading that, what's it like?
I read a bastardized shortened version of Great Expectations in school as a kid once, though. It was shite. Haven't read the real GE yet but I assume it's got a less bare-bones story with some actual sense to it. This kiddy short version felt like someone explained it poorly while leaving out what the writer wanted these "this happen then this then this" shit to mean.

5949e No.256199

>>256192
also Peen Stroke is a faggot

997d3 No.256201

File: 1579314211766.png (109.4 KB, 854x480, bequiet.png)

>>256192
>pic
>>256194
>what's it like reading a book
>GE
South Park doesn't count. Read a book nigga
>>256180
Please continue. Some people come to this thread to enjoy your autismal breakdown, and don't have a hardon for you to hurry the fuck up and break apart whatever they have a hate-boner for
>Rowling
Seriouly, who the fuck cares? You thought Nigel's opus was bad, this is 7 fucking books!

55e03 No.256202

>>256194
It's worth reading. Mark Twain was a witty guy and he spins a good yarn. One of the things that's noteworthy about Huckleberry Finn is that Twain got super autistic about writing dialog accurately, to the point where he actually went around to various parts of the United States and took extensive notes on regional dialects. He has each of his characters speaking very accurately in the dialect that they would have used based on where they came from. It's a really good study if you want to learn techniques for writing character speech patterns. He writes the Southern Negro dialect of the time so accurately that modern lefties reeee about it being super racist, plus the word "nigger" is used copiously throughout the text, to the point where it's one of the main things you notice. That alone should be enough to recommend it.

>Great Expectations

That's a good one too. I can imagine an abridged or summarized version being bad, because the story relies on a lot of really implausible coincidences that probably don't summarize well. You have to read it in Dickens' prose to get the full effect.

44f59 No.256204

>>256201
Stop trying to suck the dick of every Nigel and becoming more popular than them by gargling mannaise. That only makes you more of a colossal faggot. Britcucks are trash on principle, which makes you triple their own trash, goy.

56f78 No.256208

>>256201
Some people came just for glimglam and would prefer to analysis something that is more relavant to the rest of the world no matter what we think about that. It is nice to say to people, if the conversation ever arise, that, "Rowling is a hack and here's why." This is more intresting to me than why a fanfic to a dying fandom has already many detractors. This is why I read her first book because I am curious to why it was successful and trying to pinpoint why I dislike it.
You are allowed to have your opinion just as others can have their's. Glimglam can do whatever he wants to do in the end.

So it was good that you gave him your input in the end otherwise he would have not known there are people who like him to take his time with the review.

55e03 No.256213

File: 1579324863154.gif (97.1 KB, 220x220, shit fuck.gif)

>>256192

Anyway, it does indeed look like the foreshadowing was intentional. When Nyx's turn rolls around, she chooses "Truth" and is told to reveal something about herself that she has never told any other pony. She chooses to reveal her wings.

The reveal is a bit of a letdown. The CMC don't really seem to grasp the implication that she's an alicorn or the reincarnation of NM, nor do they seem particularly curious about why she kept it a secret. Their reactions are a little strange, actually. Initially they stand there with their jaws hanging open, as if they're completely shocked. But then they just sort of launch into a casual discussion about it that makes it clear that the whole "alicorn" implication has gone completely over their heads. This is actually fine, since they're kids and based on their personalities and backgrounds couldn't really be expected to know about alicorns and higher level magic unless it had been covered in class. I'm guessing the affairs of Canterlot and the Princesses are pretty far removed from the concerns of the average provincial schoolchild, so they might not know that an alicorn is rare or that being one indicates higher magic. The problem I have is more "what the hell was the point of all this in the first place?"

There's some rather questionable logic to all of this. When she reveals her wings, her primary concern is that her friends might be "jealous," and she's relieved to find that they aren't. This is consistent with the earlier part of the story, where Twilight and Rarity tell her she needs to keep her wings a secret because other ponies might be jealous of her. However, that was just a bullshit lie they fed her so she'd agree to keep her vest on without them needing to tell her why. Remember, it's been established that Nyx knows that she's Nightmare Moon now. She's figured it out; she's no longer innocent. She knows perfectly well why Twilight and Rarity wanted her to keep her wings hidden. She can also be presumed to understand why they lied to her about it.

The whole thing makes less sense the more you think about it. If Nyx knows who she is and why she needs to hide her wings, why take such a huge risk in revealing them? Maybe she is getting tired of carrying the burden and wants to confide in her friends, but if that's the case why didn't she actually confide anything? All she does is tell them that she has wings, and they clearly don't catch on to the significance. At this point it would probably have made more sense to have her just flat out confess to them that she's Nightmare Moon's reincarnation, and pour her guts out about the whole thing. If written correctly, it could be the first genuine emotion we've seen in the whole story. At that point, the CMC's acceptance of her after the confession would actually mean something. Instead, we get this half-assed goofy scene, where Nyx just comes right out and says "Hey guys, I've got wings!", completely blowing her own cover for no reason, and her friends are just like "Hey, cool! Wings!" and that's that. What the hell was even the point?

Anyway, they are apparently making too much noise, so Applejack bangs on the door and threatens to hogtie them. Apparently, AJ has the same philosophy about sleepovers as Kahn Souphanousinphone. Peen Stroke casually tosses in yet another reference, this time the Cutie Mark Crusaders theme from that episode where they sing a song at the talent show. He helpfully drops the lyrics into the text in case anyone reading has forgotten them. Peen Stroke, please see pic related.

The narrative cuts to Spell Nexus, sipping orange juice in his secret lair and reading his fan mail. We are given a completely unnecessary synopsis of a bunch of events that we've already read about, as well as a slightly interesting but mostly just confusing tidbit of information: apparently Learn and Play Day was an event orchestrated by Nexus himself. Then, Celestia shows up at his front door. Nexus, as you'll recall, is the director of Celestia's school, and as far as we know she has no current suspicion that he is involved in the cult.

>He motioned to a large cushion that was kept in his study specifically as a seat for royal alicorn guests.

That seems like an oddly specific thing to have in your house.

Anyway, they talk. Most of it is fairly predictable, but generally necessary dialog that starts bringing some of the various plot threads together. Celestia seems to be getting closer to the truth than Nexus is comfortable with. She knows about Nyx, she knows that Twilight doesn't have a cousin, she's checked genealogy records and there hasn't been a Nyx born in X number of years, etc etc.

Of somewhat more interest is Celestia's assessment of Nyx. She acknowledges that Nyx is nothing like NM, and goes on to describe NM as a "a vindictive, deceptive, hateful pony." This once again raises the question of who, exactly, NM actually was/is. The way Celestia talks about her here, it's almost as if she's describing a separate entity from her sister Luna. So what was NM exactly? Was she Luna? An aspect of Luna? Or some kind of evil demon who possessed her?

>“She was a threat to all Equestria… and I watched it happen. I watched as Luna, my dear sister, became that monstrous mare bent on vengeance. It was my duty as a big sister to protect her, and I failed. I failed so horribly that I had to banish her to the moon and wait a thousand years for six ponies to do what I could not.

The whole backstory of the two sisters doesn't exactly make a fuckton of sense to begin with, but I feel like that one's probably on Lauren Faust.

55e03 No.256214

>>256213

Anyway, the rest of this is just the usual tedious back and forth about whether an innocent filly could ever truly be as evil as Nightmare Moon. All of the arguments are just rehashes of what Twilight has already spent half the book pondering, and a summary of stuff we've already read, with a little bit of Spell Nexus crowing to himself about how Celestia isn't fit to rule and Nightmare Moon is the only true queen thrown in for good measure.

I'll be honest, this conversation goes on for way too long and it's mostly stuff that could stand to be cut or at least shortened. The scene is necessary because its clearly setting up the next major plot development, but the essential information could probably be condensed into a scene maybe a third as long. Generally, excessively long conversations are something you want to avoid when writing, particularly when it's just two characters discussing something abstract that would be better suited to discussion threads about a work rather than the work itself.

The main takeaway is that Nexus needs to do some kind of complex spell to transform Nyx fully into Nightmare Moon (or something like that), and he's pondering how to do it when Celestia conveniently shows up and gives him an opportunity. He tells her he can set up a spell that will allow them to see inside Nyx and tell if she's truly a threat to Equestria or not, Celestia just needs to separate Nyx from Twilight and bring her to Canterlot so he can do the spell. Celestia thanks him and goes home.

Welp, that's the end of the chapter and I think I'm at my limit for this for tonight, so I'm going to leave it here.

56f78 No.256251

>>256208
Okay, this fandom isn't dying just because there series has ended. That was stupid of me.

5949e No.256266

>>256202
Thanks, mate! By the way I still appreciate your review of this shite story.
The way I saw the nightmare moon stuff was always:
Luna felt bad about ponies sleeping at night instead of appreciating how hard she tried to make pretty patterns in the sky. Darkness festered within her heart and took form to create Nightmare Moon, possessing her and turning her crazy. A bigass animu fight scene would result in massive collateral damage, and immortality might let them go at it forever. So Celestia sealed her sister within the moon using the EOH because she doesn't have all 6 personal virtues strongly enough to use the Purify function, plus a thousand years is a blink of an eye to immortal alicorns and it'd give Celestia plenty of time to look for a pony or many ponies strong enough to use the EOH to purify the darkness from Luna's heart completely, letting her think clearly again and say "sorry for being a massive faggot and making you do what needed to be done".
So a pony who's been alive for 20 years would say "omg 1000 years? dick move celestia, thats a very long time!"
but that's because they lack an immortal's perspective on time.
Also if she found 1-6 ponies strong enough to use the EOH at max power at any point before 1000 years passed, she could spring NMM early for the purification.
>>256251
The brony fandom isn't dying per se, it's splitting up. Some parts are rotten to the core, full of commie faggots chasing activity and diverse thought out of their circlejerks because they still think it's 2012 and for every one they ban and harass and chase away and silence ten more will show up. They're dying. Some parts feel dead as fuck because we're used to a sea of noisy selfish greedy brainlet faggots screaming for new content that appeals solely to their isekaifag tastes, and we're not used to a slower and more intellectual discussion atmosphere now that most of those faggots have moved on to media that works better as isekai fantasy trash.
Show discussion however is pretty much dead because what else is there to do except say "yeah bad episodes are bad and good episodes are good" all day? Argue over which episodes are best and worst?
We can't speculate over things the show could have revealed because the show already chose to answer every possible question as disappointingly as possible.
Except we totally fucking can and it would be fun to do so, because the show's mistakes made in later seasons should only as "canon" to us as the shitty Disney Stawaws films are. Nobody here "really" thinks Chewbacca ate people in a cave in the middle of nowhere before meeting Han, who killed a space cthulhu during the Kessel Run, right? Nobody here really thinks Faust's vision (or the shared vision of her creative team) involved throwing out cute comfy slice of life adventures with a moral at the end in favour of preachy shite meant to shill this week's freelancer's bland OCs, right? Nobody here really thinks Sheev "My shlong is bigger than the Senate" Palpatine knocked up some sith bitch to produce a random nobody who knocked up some other random nobody to produce a god-tier Ma-Rey Sue, and nobody here really thinks the real world of ponies has a random bitter nopony in the middle of nowhere who's three times stronger than everyone else but doesn't know what letters or consequences or the rights of others are, right? Nobody here really thinks Luke Skywalker became a hermit who gave up on life and Equestria really ended up going open-borders and becoming diversified trash where ponies are outnumbered six to one, right?
Once upon a time we had fun speculating on what the show might do some day, and what amazing secrets could be revealed. We can still recapture that fun by speculating on what the show could have done better. In our fanfics, the world of ponies can be anything.

56f78 No.256511

>>256213
>Remember, it's been established that Nyx knows that she's Nightmare Moon now. She's figured it out; she's no longer innocent. She knows perfectly well why Twilight and Rarity wanted her to keep her wings hidden. She can also be presumed to understand why they lied to her about it.

The whole thing makes less sense the more you think about it. If Nyx knows who she is and why she needs to hide her wings, why take such a huge risk in revealing them? Maybe she is getting tired of carrying the burden and wants to confide in her friends, but if that's the case why didn't she actually confide anything? All she does is tell them that she has wings, and they clearly don't catch on to the significance. At this point it would probably have made more sense to have her just flat out confess to them that she's Nightmare Moon's reincarnation, and pour her guts out about the whole thing.
It is really cool that you caught this. I'm actually impressed. This right here is some high-tier analysism.
It is so good in fact that I'm rationalizing in my head right now that I would also have caught that if I read this.

>What the hell was even the point?

The only point I can come up with (yes, rhetorical question but still) is that it is jsut to cement howspecial she is.

> He helpfully drops the lyrics into the text in case anyone reading has forgotten them.

It makes you think about the fact that he had betareaders/editors/prereaders or whatever they are called in this situation. Like why was this no cut?
> Learn and Play Day was an event orchestrated by Nexus himself
"All according to keikaku." What the fuck. Such nonsense. How did he do that and what the fuck for? To test Nyx? In that case why did he not arrage for fromthing to happen so she was forced into using her epic powers instead of just hoping she would do something so retarded. Like if she is in hiding with Twilight Sparkle wouldn't Twi have adviced her not do use her magic. Would that be a crazy assumption for Spell Nexus to make? I don't think so.
Wouldn't it be better to push her into a situation were she has to use her powers to like save her friends or whatever. Like a tree falling over or somone from the cult pretending to be a pedo and attempt a kidnapping. Like arenn't these cult memebers devoted? Wouldn't his name be clear anyway when Nightmare Moon came back into power.

To be honest, if I was Spell Nexus, after I would have my suspicions confirmed that; yes, Nyx is NNM; my next step wouldn't be to get her powers back but to make her join his side. What garantee does he even have that Nyx, now that she has had a loving reltionship with Twi and who knows what else they have discussed alone, wouldn't juse have these values not to be a comic villain but actually be the Nyx of today but grown up and with all her powers. Maybe she doesn't want to rule Equestria anymore. Has he even considered that Twilight might have "brainwahsed" NNM while she has kept Nyx with her?

fd49e No.256513

>>256511
>If Nyx knows who she is and why she needs to hide her wings, why take such a huge risk in revealing them?
The "Little Orphan Naruto" cliche exists for Acceptance Porn, aka emotional manipulation. When the sad special orphan reveals to his friends that he has wings and special powers and special eyes and a monster sealed within him, his friends lovingly accept him like the acceptance-porn Whorrasami scenes from the shit Legend Of Whorra comics.
Their acceptance is contrasted with the minor characters and characters the writer dislikes, who hate the Special.
Good characters exist to tell the Special "We love you even though you're special!"
Bad characters exist to tell the Special "We hate/fear/suspect/exclude you because you're special!"
The story is only over once the writer decides it's time for the Special to prove he's a good Special and not a bad one. By sparing the life of a baddie, saving the live of a goodie/baddie/the town/the world, befriending the demon inside him to gain use of its powers, or defeating your inner darkness once and for all to become the strongest Special ever.
It's the faggiest evolution of The Hidden King cliche yet. Which is already faggoted, being the "I'm special and bullied for it. But turns out I'm the best and most useful Rudolph chosen one ever! Those bullies must bow down to me and apologize and kiss the earth I fucking walk on because I'm the best!" fantasy.

56f78 No.256531

>>256513
I am sure you are already aware but what you qouted was what glimglam wrote not me. I just fucked up my use of arrows ">".
>Good characters exist to tell the Special "We love you even though you're special!"
>Bad characters exist to tell the Special "We hate/fear/suspect/exclude you because you're special!"
Anyway, I agree. You really hit the nail on the head. This is so common that I feel like I got several simulantous ptsd flashbakcs to diifferent animes that I have seen.
>Which is already faggoted, being the "I'm special and bullied for it. But turns out I'm the best and most useful Rudolph chosen one ever! Those bullies must bow down to me and apologize and kiss the earth I fucking walk on because I'm the best!" fantasy.
It isn't really that I hate the idea. A character an indeed be special and people can have different reactions to this character. I think my main problem is the lack of naunce when it came to the subject. As you say, the friends of themc are always over it imediately, so you wonder why we ever feared there would be a problem and the bad guys are just so heavy handed and clumsy in their behvoir that you can stop rolling your eyes.
I mean wouldn't not be a fnny twist if the bad guys were the accpating ones while the good guys were the ones that hated the mc.

>>256266
I saw a review of the last skywalker or whatever name it has. I don't think that reviewer is great or anything, it was Mauler, but like I think he is good at checking consitency in a work rather than any more deeper analysis. But I don't dislike him or anything I just have some problems with some of his stuff and I really don't like the criclejerk that is efap.
To contrast him with E;R and it would reveal that while E;R does critize plot concistency as well, he doesn't only do that. Most ofhis critism is about context and other such intresting things about the film. He only lists the worst errors in the script before moving on to things like, why an already established charater like Han is intresting as a foil to Luke but not on his own. Mauler, on the other hand, is plot consitency error listing machine.
But like, I thought that he would be a good source to know wheater or not the movie, that I wasn't going to watch anyway, was good or not.

Oh man. This I the first time in years when I have been wanting to go and watch a movie in the cinema.
To think they could actually make it worse. I honestly, just expected a reboot of the "return of the jedi" and that Abrahams would just try to pretend that "The last jedi" didn't happend but… Holy shit.
Where do you even start? It is a cringecomedy.

Ah, it is fucking great.

fd49e No.256587

>I mean wouldn't not be a fnny twist if the bad guys were the accpating ones while the good guys were the ones that hated the mc.
That's fucking genius!
By the way this site's code still lets people hit new reply with an empty post. That should be patched out (perhaps with a minimum letter count of 1 letter per post? so you can still post a one-word "no" if need arises) before some cunty shill uses it to flood a thread and get it to bump limit.

55e03 No.256601

File: 1579718604252.png (255.57 KB, 417x1000, 125001.png)

>>256214

Chapter 10: Treachery

>School was officially out for the summer.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mBqiC5ox8Bw

Welp, it looks like the school ponies are on vacation now. I'll note once again that it seems odd that the central group of Nyx's friends has shifted entirely to Nyx + the CMC, as opposed to the original dynamic of Nyx, Apple Bloom and Twist. This is further enforced by a discussion taking place between the fillies, in which they brainstorm ways to spend the summer trying to get their cutie marks. Nyx suggests keeping a list of ways, and then going down the list and trying each one. This, combined with her wearing a CMC cape in the tug of war scene previously, seems to imply that she has been officially inducted as a Crusader and Twist is history. Again, Twist sucks and I'm not really complaining about her being gone, but I'll say again that it's somewhat odd from a storytelling perspective to set up a group of supporting characters for the protagonist at the beginning, and then just randomly drop one without explanation and add two more to make a new group. If Peen Stroke wanted her to join the CMC from the beginning, which I honestly think is the most practical choice even though it's also the least original, it would have made more sense to just have her befriend Apple Bloom in the beginning, and then get introduced to the other two through her without even bringing Twist into it.

Anyway, Nyx runs home bursting with excitement about summer vacation. She proudly shows Twilight her grades, they go out for frosty chocolate milkshakes to celebrate, they play in the park, blah blah blah, a fun day is had by all. Just as we're beginning to wonder if this chapter is just going to be one long chain of pointless yet soothing pastoral scenes of Twilight living out her neurotic single mommy fantasies, suddenly stuff happens.

Twilight returns home to find Princess Celestia's chariot parked out front and the Princess herself waiting for her in the library. Based on the events at the end of the last chapter, we can probably assume that this visit will involve >rape.

This scene is actually somewhat interesting. Peen Stroke gets to the point admirably quickly, and does not waste page space with a lot of pointless dialog summarizing what we already know. Celestia listens to Twilight's story, and then zeros in on the central question: how does Twilight see her relationship to Nyx? Princess Cadance is once again namedropped, which is mildly annoying since she has only been mentioned once in passing and her identity or connection to the current story was not really elaborated upon there either. However, the mention is probably minor enough not to be a huge deal. The main point is that Twilight finally puts it all out in the open, and confesses to Celestia that she (and according to her, Nyx) see their relationship as being mother and daughter.

Unfortunately, once Twilight drops that rather large and spicy meat-a-ball, it's just sort of left hanging in the air without ever being addressed. Celestia simply laments that this relationship makes her task more difficult, and then the conversation veers off into some technical backstory about the summoning ritual, which I will address in a second. But first, some rather technical literary stuff needs to be addressed.

With this subterfuge that Nyx is her cousin, Twilight has essentially created a conflict between herself and the outside world, or more accurately between herself and reality. She has assumed the role of mother to Nyx, and Nyx has basically accepted her as such. However, at present this relationship can only exist in a bubble that depends on the perpetuation of a falsehood to maintain itself and denies certain realities within the external world. For the relationship to continue indefinitely (the happily-ever-after ending), a situation where it can permanently exist needs to be created. For that to happen, the deception first needs to come down, and the issues in reality need to be dealt with and resolved.

Here are the issues: First, Twilight is not Nyx's real mother. Regardless of how either of them feels about each other, this remains a fact. Second, Twilight has intentionally misled the town, Princess Celestia, and all of her friends with a false story about Nyx's origins which could be easily disproven, in order to clumsily construct a situation where she has a right to be Nyx's guardian. This story has been disproven, so the required situation no longer exists; it is now known that Twilight and Nyx are not related to each other, so Twilight has no legitimate claim to guardianship over Nyx. Third, Nyx's identity as Nightmare Moon. Twilights oft-vocalized concern that Celestia could take Nyx away from her is actually justified; Celestia has every right and every reason to do this. Fourth, reality; there are things happening in the external world that are at present unknown to both Celestia and Twilight, but are known to the reader. The cult summoned Nyx into the world for a purpose, and are searching for her in order to fulfill that purpose. They have found her and are coming to get her. Thus, for all these reasons, Twilight and Nyx can no longer continue the life that they have lived up until this point.

Peen Stroke seems to more or less get this, but he misses something rather crucial. Celestia presses Twilight on how she sees herself in relation to Nyx, and Twilight admits that she feels like a mother to her, but Celestia just lets it go after that. The scene ultimately concludes with Celestia taking Nyx away, which needs to happen one way or the other. However, the false situation Twilight has created is not challenged, Celestia does not morally rebuke Twilight for her deception, and despite the tension of the scene no real confrontation is taking place. I'm almost out of space so I will try to explain this a little better in my next post.

55e03 No.256602

File: 1579720719577.png (129.06 KB, 500x400, 0d1.png)

>>256601

It's a little complicated to explain this, but I'm going to do my best.

Here is the issue with the confrontation between Twilight and Celestia. Though it technically resolves itself correctly, with Nyx being taken away, Celestia does not challenge Twilight's guardianship over Nyx, nor does she call her out or hold her accountable for her deception, thus the central issue remains unresolved. In literature, at least in modern Western pop literature where the existence of objective good and evil is assumed and the "good guys" always live happily ever after, conflicts need to resolve and wrongs need to be righted. This includes unintentional wrongs or wrongs that were done for the right reasons. A "good guy" who commits a wrong act needs to face, or be made to face, the wrong and acknowledge it. Then, they must lose whatever they have gained as a result of the wrong. Finally, they must atone for the wrong, and at that point, if they have proven themselves worthy of it, they can get back some or all of what they lost. There are many examples of this type of thing, especially in movies. Most romantic comedies follow this formula, actually: guy sees girl he likes but she's unattainable, guy engages in some sort of clever deception to get girl, everything goes great for a while, then girl finds out about deception, guy loses girl, guy goes through some kind of trial and works to win back the girl on his own, girl forgives guy and they end up together. Disney's Aladdin is also a good example.

Given this formula, here is how this scene should work. Celestia finds out the truth and goes to confront Twilight. Twilight realizes she's out of moves and confesses everything. Celestia becomes angry. She can probably understand Twilight's feelings, and may have a soft spot for her favorite student, but at the same time she has all of Equestria to worry about. Twilight has been keeping a potentially dangerous entity hidden for what amounts to a basically selfish reason: she wanted to be a mother. Moreover, she's a liar liar pants on fire. Celestia sternly admonishes Twilight for keeping this a secret, and for potentially endangering all of Equestria. She can acknowledge that Twilight may have had her reasons, but she needs to remain resolute in her position that what Twilight did was inexcusable. If this seems a little cunty and unreasonable, that's by design; in order for this scene to work Celestia has to play the villain for a minute here. Twilight cries and pleads with her not to take Nyx away. Celestia appears moved by her emotional plea, but ultimately remains firm in her judgement. Nyx, who at this point is still just getting dinner ready like everything is fine, is suddenly taken away by Celestia. Plenty of opportunity here for the sobbing and general waterworks that Peen Stroke is so fond of. Twilight, meanwhile, realizes that she dun goofed; she endangered Equestria, she hurt Nyx, she lied to her friends, she disappointed Celestia. Feels batman. /scene.

Now, here is what actually happens in the text: Celestia comes to confront Twilight. Twilight confesses everything, Celestia seems to understand. She asks about how she sees herself in relation to Nyx, Twilight confesses that she thinks of herself as Nyx's mother. Again, Celestia doesn't question this at all, she's just sympathetic and understanding. Celestia goes on to explain a bunch of technical stuff about how the spell worked, and explains how this proves incontrovertibly that Nyx is NM. Twilight seems shocked even though she has already reached the same conclusion multiple times herself. They argue back and forth for awhile, but ultimately Celestia insists on taking Nyx back. However, she assures Twilight that it will only be for one night. She then explains the plan that Spell Nexus came up with, rehashing details which the reader already knows. Twilight is all like "b-b-but what happens if she really is Nightmare Moon?" (Jesus fucking Christ, Peen Stroke). Celestia, again being as sympathetic and warm as possible, gently informs her that….yep, you guessed it. Bang! Zoom! Straight to the moon. However, even the impact of this is blunted; before Twilight even has a chance to be horrified, Celestia reassures her that if everything is ok, she will most likely get Nyx back the following morning.

See how the second version doesn't hit the feels nearly as hard? Also: the detail about the separation being only for one night dilutes the punch even further. That detail should be dropped. As far as anyone knows, Nyx is going away forever and she and Twilight will never see each other again. Anything less than that is too low-stakes for the reader to give a shit.

Anyway, as is par for the course with this story, Peen Stroke attempts to shore up the weaknesses in his narrative with pseudo-emotion, like a director trying to cover up a bad script by ordering his actors to ham up the drama. There is all sorts of crying and weeping and pleading. Celestia is also crying; she feels just awful about tearing Twilight and Nyx apart for one literal night. Here's the worst though:

>“So please,” Celestia whispered. “Please, Twilight Sparkle, I ask this of you not as a princess of Equestria or as your teacher, but as a pony who fears for those she cares about. Let me take Nyx. Allow me to put these fears to rest, for you do not know how much they torture me.”


You ask this of her? Let you take Nyx? Allow you to put these fears to rest? Bitch, you the Princess of Equestria; you don't ask, you tell. Twilight is your subordinate, you don't need her permission. Not for sex, not for anything. Jesus H. Christ. Not only does this completely fail to address the fact that Twilight was the one who fucked up here, Peen Stroke has Celestia apologizing to Twilight for doing her job. This scene fails bigly, which is a shame, because it's an important scene.

55e03 No.256605

File: 1579722233913.jpg (9.97 KB, 236x132, f4c5e21bfe0bdcbdfac19ed978….jpg)

>>256602

Anyway, a few other minor things to take away from this scene. For one, we learn the technical details of how NM was resurrected in the first place. Apparently when NM was defeated in episode 1, or 2, or whichever episode it happened in, her armor shattered into pieces and scattered around the floor of the castle. Since Peen Stroke seems to be one of those fans who is incredibly autistic about details like this, I'm assuming this is true. Celestia ordered the fragments collected and gave them to Spell Nexus to study. Nexus of course eventually reported that they had been "stolen" from his manor, and yada yada yada that's how the cult wound up with them.

This is all basically fine. One could probably raise an eyebrow at the level of trust Celestia places in Spell Nexus, and that he doesn't seem to have ever lost her trust despite him being the most glaringly obvious suspect when the fragments are stolen, but honestly I could go either way. Having the villain of the story turn out to be the ruler's most trusted advisor is a fairly common trope, and it's perfectly acceptable to do in this type of story, even if it isn't 100% plausible. More to the point here is the issue of the armor itself, because it once again raises the question of just what NM is to begin with.

The armor is the evidence that Celestia uses to conclude, once and for all, that Nyx is Nightmare Moon (you suck all the dicks, Peen Stroke). The essence of NM was somehow extracted from this armor, and then given physical form in the person (pony, whatever) of Nyx. So this means…what? Nightmare Moon was an entity separate from Luna, who was forced out of Luna's body when the Mane 6 did their whatever the fuck harmony magic, and it broke apart with her armor? Did the spirit live in the armor to begin with, and Luna became possessed when she put the armor on? Or was NM some aspect of Luna's personality that was forced out of her by the magic and then absorbed into the armor fragments? Or was Nightmare Moon just some run of the mill wandering spirit that possessed Luna, and then remained in her armor after it was broken?

I'll be honest, analyzing a story like this to this level of detail is probably going a bit overboard, but since bronies analyze the show to this level all the time, I feel like it's fair game. The source material falls so squarely into the realm of fairy tales that it's almost impossible to write anything in this world without some degree of "it's magic, I ain't gotta explain shit." But I think for authors, it's good to think about this stuff. Even if you intend to leave a detail like this intentionally vague, you should assume that you're going to get the occasional autismo reader who will ask about it, and in that case you should probably have an answer prepared. Having a concrete explanation in your head for how things work is also a good way to ensure continuity in the story.

Anyway, what else? Once the Twilight/Celestia discussion concludes and Twilight agrees to have Nyx taken away for a minimum of one night, Celestia goes into the kitchen to break the news to Nyx herself. Really, it would have made more sense for Peen Stroke to just end the scene here, since we already know what's going to happen, and the details of how Nyx is transported to the castle don't really matter that much. Celestia basically feeds Nyx some bullshit, telling her she needs to take her back to the castle to be examined by the royal doctor wakka chicka wokka chicka. This seems out of character for Celestia; she's usually pretty straightforward, and anyway she's supposed to be a monarch. It's a little beneath her dignity to stoop to this level of petty trickery just to get a child to obey her. Again, you the princess, bitch; act like it. Anyway, Nyx falls for it because she's retarded, but then on the way out she sees the look on Twilight's face, senses that something is up, changes her mind and resists, so Celestia drags her away by force, in a scene so hammed up it got this story banned in most Muslim countries.

Again, this entire sequence is completely unnecessary; it could have just ended with Celestia going into the kitchen to grab Nyx and we could have assumed the rest. If anything it's more effective to just end a scene like this on an ominous note and leave the rest to the reader's imagination. My suspicion though is that Peen Stroke instinctively senses that this scene doesn't quite have the emotional punch that it ought to, but instead of fixing what's wrong with it, he just patches it over by hamming up the drama and the pseudo-emotion. Nyx is wrenched away from Twilight as violently as possible, the tears and emotion are over the top. Even without the underlying structural issues I pointed out, this scene lacks punch anyway because of the mundane fact that as far as anyone knows so far Nyx is only going away for one night, so on top of everything else all this drama feels like it's basically for nothing anyway. The only reason the reader has to suspect that Nyx won't just be back at Twilight's by this time tomorrow is because we know that Spell Nexus is really trying to release Nyx's evil nature rather than just test it. However, neither Nyx nor Celestia nor Twilight would know this; hence there's no reason for them to behave this way. Nyx, maybe, since she's young and she doesn't know what's going on.

And I feel as if I would be remiss in my duties not to lob an appropriate amount of snark at the sub-chapter's ending line:

>It was then Nyx cried out with all the force and volume her small voice would allow.

>“MOMMY!!!”

Come on, dude. There's laying it on thick, and then there's just being ridiculous.

55e03 No.256608

File: 1579723585281.jpg (24.32 KB, 270x335, cd7b46a14d1553dbd0ca4b7dce….jpg)

>>256605

Anyway, we rejoin Twilight as she dwindles off into the twilight realm of her own secret thoughts, sobbing and cutting herself and chugging Peter Vella and generally writhing in maternal agony. Fortunately, we don't have to listen to another ten page inner monologue about whether Nyx is or is not Nightmare Moon, as the matter seems to have finally been settled (you're merciful but still a faggot, Peen Stroke). However, just when you thought all the ridiculous over the top drama from the previous sub-chapter was over, it just…keeps on going.

Nyx's scream of "mommy" apparently snaps Twilight out of her gloomy reverie, and she suddenly decides to go chase after Celestia and take her symbolic daughter back by force. This action would have made far more sense had the conflict of the previous scene been handled the way I suggested, and left Twilight with the impression that Nyx is being taken away forever. As it stands, rushing to commit possible regicide against her mentor and liege, along with her contingent of royal guards, just to save Nyx from having to spend one night in Canterlot and undergo an examination is probably the most neurotic thing Twilight has done in this entire story, and that's honestly saying a lot. It's also worth noting that she apparently leaves Spike locked in the kitchen, and we don't hear anything more about him for the rest of the fucking chapter. Wait, I thought the kitchen was just sealed off by a spell that Celestia cast, which she probably would have taken down by now, and for that matter does the golden oak kitchen even have a door, and…oh, who even gives a shit at this point?

Anywho, she goes charging out the door, but oh no, the chariot is already flying away. She goes chasing after it, tries to teleport but fails for some reason or another (protip: at this point nobody is thinking about her teleportation powers and it's a fairly inconsistent ability anyway, even in the source material, so it's probably best to just not even bring it up here), lands facedown in the mud, and watches helplessly as it flies away. Naturally, she then bursts into even more tears than the tears she was already in from having burst into them before.

>It all came rushing in too fast. The realizations and heartaches filled Twilight to the brim. She couldn’t cry hard enough or fast enough; the pain was just too severe. In the end, it simply overwhelmed her, and she screamed. She cried out to the night with the loudest, most pain-filled voice that had ever escaped her lips:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXNqEURmKtA

And oy vey, it just keeps going. Without even a moment's reprieve (seriously, with a scene this heavy it's usually better to break the tension with something before diving into another equally heavy scene, not sure what would work here, but there really ought to be at least one somewhat calmer scene before the spell takes place), we cut to Canterlot, where Celestia's chariot lands and Spell Nexus and his fruity little cult are waiting. Celestia, of course, is crying, because why the hell wouldn't anypony in this story not be crying.

>“No… no, I’m not,” Princess Celestia replied, trying to keep her composure but finding it difficult. “I just stole a filly away from her mother. If Nyx isn’t a threat, then what I’ve done is inexcusable.”

>“Such a task should not have fallen to one with a heart as tender as yours, Your Highness,” Nexus offered solemnly. “But, hopefully, you shall be able to return her to Twilight unharmed in the morning.”
>“No,” Celestia corrected, “the harm has already been done.”

Again, this reaction is way over the top for what is actually happening right now. If Nyx is going to be returned unharmed to Twilight in the morning, this was nothing but a mild inconvenience. There's a chance that she wont be, which I guess raises the stakes, but that's about as far as you can go with it. As I said before, if you want the scene to have this much emotional punch, it would have been far better to not even introduce the whole "it's just for one night" possibility in the first place. Just have Nexus inform Celestia that he can run a spell on Nyx to test whether or not she's evil, don't say how long it takes or give any sort of time frame at all. Then, have Celestia go to collect Nyx and chew out Twilight. Have the scene end with Nyx being dragged away, and as far as Twilight or Nyx or the reader knows, they are never going to see each other again. Then you have a heart-wrenching emotional scene if you want, because there is actually something heart-wrenching going on. As it stands, this is a pretty weak brew. I know what the author wants me to feel, but I don't feel it, because the level of emotion he's forcing is not proportional to what's actually happening. The fact that instead of correcting it, he just keeps trying harder and harder to make me feel without giving me a valid reason just makes it worse. Peen Stroke is using about 150% of his ass to try and make me feel here, and yet somehow he still manages to be half-assed about it. I didn't even know that was possible.

>“Please, my little pony… Please, let Twilight be right about you.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7u0wg3t6osM

Anyway, yada yada yada they do the spell. It goes about as you would expect: Nexus has Celestia pour all her magic into it, she just blindly trusts him even as he stands there snickering in the background, and then the light turns evil and the spell blows up, as Nexus stands there cackling in triumph.

>It was then, all too late, that Princess Celestia realized the treachery that thrived in her royal court.

Even without third-person omniscience literally anyone could have seen this coming like ten miles away. Seriously bitch, you suck at your job.

55e03 No.256610

File: 1579725613390.jpeg (50 KB, 532x364, 50122aa0ce53b.jpeg)

>>256608

And even though the chapter should have logically ended right then and there, the insanity keeps on going for another three subchapters.

For no good reason I can discern, Spell Nexus teleports the whole fucking ritual into the middle of Ponyville. The reason given in the text is that apparently the spell needs time to complete, and Nexus wants to ensure that Celestia and her guards and whatnot can't interfere. This makes enough sense I suppose, but why go to Ponyville of all places? It's pretty far away, if distance is a factor in what is probably a complex teleportation, and it's probably the first place Celestia would look if she were trying to find Nyx. There are literally thousands of locations, like, oh, I don't know, the middle of a remote forest or the top of a mountain or literally anywhere remote and unpopulated, that would make more sense for them to hide out than Ponyville, where the only other pony in Equestria who has a connection to Nyx and might try to interfere with their evil schemes lives.

In an even stupider development, Peen Stroke chooses this moment of all moments to reveal that the spy that Pinkie was chasing around two chapters ago was none other than Horte Cuisine, another irrelevant background pony that literally no one except the most turbo-autistic of bronies would know or give a shit about. Had Peen Stroke chosen to wait a little bit longer to drop the inevitable H-bomb on all of his story threads, the cute little sub-plot about Pinkie investigating the spy could have probably been milked for another couple of scenes, with Pinkie eventually discovering his identity anyway. But nope, it was totally essential that we all learn right here and now that the spy was actually some waiter pony who probably made one appearance in one scene in one episode and was never seen again. Glad we cleared up that mystery.

>“Should we be worried about the villagers?” Stonewall asked. He looked over his shoulder and took note of the crowd of ponies that was growing beyond the perimeter formed by the rest of the cult. The residents of the small community looked on in confusion, fear, and awe.

>“Our brothers and sisters will keep the crowd at bay, and Princess Celestia will not be able to follow us quickly enough to interfere,” Spell Nexus assured before smiling down at Nyx, who had already grown much larger. “Look, our queen is already at half the size she should be. We have nothing to fear. Nopony can stop us.”

Again, this makes no sense whatsoever. Why come here of all places? Now you have to worry about crowd control and the spell. However, as the next subchapter begins, we learn the reason that Nexus decided to come here: because Peen Stroke needed to set up a confrontation scene between nu-evil-Nyx and all of the ponies who up until earlier that afternoon had been her friends, but now she hates for some reason. Who gives a shit about logic or continuity when you've got a cool scene mapped out in your head, amirite Peen Stroke? Anyway, in the next subchapter Twilight feels the dread power of the magic, and sees the lightning flash, and blah blah blah. She runs to the scene just in time to see another giant lightning flash hit the center of the spell.

Switch camera to Nyx. Celestia apparently sedated her so she wouldn't have to listen to her crying and moaning all the way back to Canterlot (an ability I'm guessing most readers rather wish they had), and now she suddenly wakes up as a much taller, much powerfuler, much eviler poner. Naturally, the first thing she does is cackle madly like a psychopath.

>It was the laughter of somepony who had just realized a cruel and terrible truth.

>Nyx finally understood everything. She understood why she woke up in the Everfree Forest when she did. She understood why she had memories of fighting Twilight Sparkle. She understood why she was able to say those lines in that school play so well.
>She remembered what she was, who she was.

*sigh*. If this episode ever makes it to DVD, the commentary track will be nothing but the sound of writer/director Peen Stroke gobbling schlong after schlong after schlong.

Anyway, I would just like to take this moment to remind everyone that Nyx already knows all of this, and as such it is not much of a revelation. She knows what and who she is, she deduced it on her own weeks ago. She and Twilight had a long, emotional chat about it, and since then she would have had ample time to process the information. Since it didn't seem to affect her much in any of the scenes between then and now (despite it being the kind of revelation that would open up a Pandora's box of existential questions for nearly anyone, let alone a child), maybe she came down with a case of explosive amnesia and forgot, and now she's remembering again; who knows. Let's see what happens next.

Next we are presented with yet another reason that the cult chose Ponyville as the place to finish up their ceremony: in true edgelord style, Nyx now has the ability to wreak bloody revenge on everyone who was ever mean to her, which basically means Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon since everyone else has actually been quite nice to her. We have arrived at the point which should logically be the climax, and yet somehow it manages to be anticlimactic; nothing in the story so far really justifies the amount of anger she displays here. She literally talks about killing them. Sure, they were pretty awful to her in the beginning, but for the most part it seems to have ebbed off, and most of the recent events have just shown her as a normal happy kid living a normal happy kid life. I guess the thing in the woods was a bit traumatic for her and could have left some kind of lasting scar, and that is the specific event that gets referenced here, but still; overkill much?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-b89zcruko

56f78 No.256612

>>256610
If they were going to include Nyx turning into NNM why not called the chapter, "The Revival." Also,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gbYxY1lgnqw

55e03 No.256614

File: 1579728509772.jpeg (15.92 KB, 256x198, 2atd-1519257099-401766-me….jpeg)

>>256610

>“Hello, Cheerilee, my teacher. Yes, I am no longer Nyx, but I’m sure you could tell all these ponies who I really am. After all, you saw the resemblance just as everypony else did. And was it not you who called me ‘wicked and dastardly’? Was that not why I was perfect for the part in your little spring play?”


What the shit, yo? What did Cheerilee ever do to her? I don't remember her ever calling Nyx 'wicked and dastardly.' I'd like to call attention to something I wrote in an earlier post ( >>254167 ), when Twilight was trying to cheer Nyx up by telling her all the nice things she did for Peewee that we never saw:

>An effectively told story brings the reader along on the character's journey. You feel what the character feels because you've experienced it alongside them. As it stands, we have witnessed absolutely no development of any relationship between Nyx and Peewee, so learning that Nyx apparently feeds him treats does nothing for us. The anecdote about her bringing him to school one day for show and tell would have probably made a good addition to the story, and could have replaced any number of uninteresting and pointless scenes; however it didn't, and so this little factoid means nothing to us.


This bit about Cheerilee seems to be the same kind of thing. Maybe it happened and I'm not remembering it, and if that's the case and someone can point to a place in the text where Cheerilee calls Nyx 'wicked and dastardly,' or anything to that effect, please call me out on it. However, I feel like once again something that happened 'off-camera' is being referenced, which again is a huge no-no. Any major event that has a serious effect on a character's development needs to be in the text somewhere, you can't just suddenly drop it on the reader out of nowhere and use it as a justification for whatever the character is doing in the present.

Even if it's something that happened in the distant past before the story started, it at least needs to have been mentioned or implied or referenced at least once prior to its being used as a character motivation. This is just Writing 101 shit here. In fact, it isn't even Writing 101; this is the kind of basic shit you're just expected to know, and if you don't know it you have to take remedial English for a year just to get into Writing 101. So far, Cheerilee has been written as a completely sympathetic character; maybe a little inept as a teacher sometimes, but generally good-hearted and well-intentioned. It makes no sense for Nyx to just attack her on this pretext. It's like if she were to suddenly turn around and say "oh yeah, also Rarity molested me after we had tea that one time back in Chapter Two, so now I'm going to atomize her for that even though there's been absolutely nothing in the story to hint at it or that would make anyone dislike her." If it's not in the text, it didn't happen.

Anyway, next she confronts Twilight. This at least was more or less set up properly. Although the scene where Celestia takes her away was handled poorly, we still saw Nyx being taken away by force, and Twilight not intervening. It's not unreasonable to assume that Nyx would not have understood what was happening other than that she was being separated from Twilight and Twilight was allowing it. A sense of betrayal is understandable here. However, there really hasn't been enough time elapsed between then and now for it to have sunken in that much; I still think there should have been some kind of intermediary events in between Nyx's being taken and NM's awakening.

>“Or are you here to apologize to me? To beg and grovel at my hooves? To admit that you were wrong to keep me in the dark? Or were you simply so desperate to care for a filly of your own that you didn’t want to believe the truth?”

kek. Looks like she saw through Twilight's neurotic Mommy complex.

Seriously though, even this doesn't make a ton of sense. Twilight really didn't keep her in the dark. She initially didn't tell her that she was Nightmare Moon of course, but when Nyx figured it out on her own Twilight was honest about it. Really, I'm still a little baffled by Peen Stroke's decision to even have Nyx realize her true identity in the first place. It happened way too early, it made the story complicated in ways I've already discussed, and he didn't even end up doing anything with it. Most of the characters have been behaving as if that conversation never took place. Wouldn't it have been simpler to just have her not figure it out at all?

Imagine this scenario: Celestia comes to take Nyx away. Nyx is scared shitless and doesn't know what's going on, she just knows that big scary ponies are here to take her away from Twilight forever, and Twilight is just standing there letting it happen. Betrayal hits her like a pineapple in the ponut. Then, later, she is locked up in a cage or something feeling hurt and alone, and some scary pony she's never met before (Spell Nexus) comes in and starts talking to her. He explains everything to her: the spell, her identity, all of it; full redpill, nothing held back. Now, Nyx realizes that not only did Twilight let her get taken away, she's been lying to her this whole time. A giant invisible mallet is now pounding that betrayal pineapple deeper and deeper. She feels rage and pain as she is led to the chamber where the spell is being cast. Then, when her true nature awakens, the rage takes over and consumes her. Boom; there you have it. You now have a bridge scene to put between Nyx's abduction and the spell, and a legit motivation for her to turn evil, all in one fell swoop. This is how you build a story; it's really not that hard. Seriously, Peen Stroke, do you have any interest in those remedial English courses? Registration is open.

fd49e No.256616

>>256610
Son of a bitch, this really is a bad Naruto fanfiction.
The "Scene where elderly powerful ruler of village is 'forced' to take a child away from a good home and a traitor in his/her court is to blame for everything that ever went wrong" scene is stupid enough
But it even ends in a character being knocked out so a "Character actually tries to save kid, and finds it quite easy thanks to important characters always winning" scene can't happen!
I thought having Twilight not get knocked out was something comparatively original, but nope, Peen Sucker just decided he wanted to have Nyx get knocked out.
And now we get this "Naruto is taken over by the Kyubi so a mind-controlled evil Naruto can berate everyone in his shitty village for being a cunt to him. The will be an obligatory part where the Kyubi demo fox thing even says: I might be a demon but even I wouldn't be this cunty!" scene.
The child completely snaps, just like the authors of these fics often feel like doing.
You're probably sick of hearing me talk about Naruto by now, and I'm sick of bringing it up. But scene for scene, line for line, beat for fucking plot beat, this is a Naruto fanfiction template ripped off completely, and it fails.
Why does it fail?
Well obviously, this author is such a goddamn faggot.
But the other reason why this fails?
THE PONY WORLD IS NOT AN ANIME WORLD!
The pony world might be darker than its brightly-coloured bullshit seems, but it's absolutely nowhere near as dark as Naruto and shit like this Orphan Naruto cliche just doesn't belong in this setting.
There are no child soldiers in MLP.
That one gloomy child in MLP isn't gloomy because of a backstory that makes Neji Hyuga's backstory look tame.
Nobody in MLP is destined for a long and miserable and potentially-short career as a red shirt and murderer for hire due to being born without a magical superpower that puts them above the "standard" magical superpowers everyone has.
For god's sake it's a joke in my story that Silver considers his backstory to be tragic because by cartoonishly ideal pony world standards "I grew up without friends" is as tragic as it gets barring extreme circumstances!
This story's writer is like a faggot in a bakery.
Unwilling to put the effort in to bake anything, yet still wants cake.

fd49e No.256617

>>256616

We didn't get a scene where it's revealed that the Little Orphan's infamous love for a certain food (ramen noodles in naruto) actually has a dark secret behind it: literally nobody will sell him food without spitting in it or overcharging him, his comically shitty apartment building has no running water or gas or electric or anything beyond a microwave he was given for a birthday, and only a tiny ramen stand in the middle of nowhere treats kid Naruto with any respect.
We didn't get any scenes of the Little Orphan running for his life from a gang of angry drunken assholes who eventually catch him and beat him up just to give the writer's chosen favourite character an excuse to show up and save the orphan by kicking asshole ass and reminding them that "This is illegal, you know! If you don't stop beating up my son I will chop your arms off and have that scarred-scalp bloke from the Chunin Exams everyone forgot about torture you for years! He'll shove hot needles right in your fucking eyes!"
We didn't get any scenes of the Little Orphan talking to his inner darkness and struggling to hold it in, having no idea what's going on because the Ninja President made talking about Kyubi bullshit illegal and his psychologically fucked up murder preparedness training in child soldier school was sabotaged and he was taught everything ever wrong because everyone in the village wanted this child to be utterly unlikely to survive a life-threatening combat situation.
All of this is shit that happens in Little Orphan Naruto fics in an attempt to extract emotion out of the reader. And it's shit that just wouldn't fucking work in the pony world!
It says something that the naruto fandom considers "Naruto is a miserable orphan… but his Kyubi demon starts talking to him and giving him advice and raising him to be kewl!" to be more orginal. Even if it's only because what two authors consider a "cooler naruto" to be usually differ. I don't know what that says but it says something.
The writer reminds me of Rowling: Desperate to rip off popular things and sell them to audiences who've never seen them before, without knowing why they ever worked in the first place.
Here, let me predict the rest of the story:
A battle inside the mind of Nyx takes place. Good Nyx fights and defeats evil Nyx. Evil Nyx is defeated forever, leaving the good Nyx with all of her power.
The cultists are killed by Dark Nyx, or arrested by Celestia and sent to the dungeons because when Konoha citizens are bad in Naruto they got sent to Morino Ibiki's Torture and Interrogation Room. And the state's love of sending prickish civilians to torture gulags with the aid of the secret police for being mean to child soldiers is always treated as an overwhelmingly good thing because fuck dem stupid civilians they'd be dead without muh military. Also wow, I remembered his name this time.
The townsfolk who were mean to Nyx realize being bad is wrong, and they apologize for being pricks.
Nyx says "I must go now, my planet needs me" and becomes a wandering "badass" because the writer is out of ideas now that he's at the end of the template. He wants the story to end and thinks if "tomorrow, everyone woke up and an ordinary day happened" can be written in the next chapter then a new chapter must be written.
Normally this is where the Ninja President says "But child soldier, I want to use you!" and Naruto says "No I'm free now" and Ninja President says "I guess this truly is better for everyone, be free my sort-of adoptive grandson!"
Adoptive Parent says "I'm proud of you, my offspring! Go now, be free!"
and the writer completely fucking forgets about the realities of life as a travelling homeless superstrong ninja because fuck it the story needs to end somehow and he sacrificed the likability of Leaf Village already so Naruto staying here would be a sad end.

fd49e No.256618

>>256616
Also, "Twilight attempted to teleport but it didn't work for some reason"?
Yeah, and somehow Palpatine is back.
For fuck's sake if you're dead set on having her teleportation fail just have her be too emotional to focus on a spell.
Or she focuses on Nyx and tries to teleport, but because most memories were had elsewhere in ponyville or back at her home she teleports there instead of onto Celestia's sky-taxi.

55e03 No.256619

File: 1579729526696.jpg (9.1 KB, 480x360, Expirments-of-Twilight-Spa….jpg)

>>256614

ANYWAY, there's a little bit of emotional back and forth, her kind and gentle nature is clearly struggling against the influence of NM's personality and all that. This mostly falls flat since her motivation for turning evil in the first place is pretty flimsy. She's got a somewhat valid reason to be mad at Twilight, at least from a child's perspective, though I would still suggest to Peen Stroke (in the event he ever solicited my advice, I guess) that he apply the revisions I suggested to make it more solid. Beyond that, she's actually had a pretty happy life in Ponyville from what I've seen; she's been picked on a couple of times and she had a fight with her mommy a few hours ago, but beyond that she hasn't unduly suffered. It's not as if the town singled her out and persecuted her just for looking like Nightmare Moon; in fact most of the time it's hard to tell whether or not they even notice, which is funny considering how often the subject comes up. Once again, Peen Stroke is really stroking into overdrive trying to make the reader feel something, but there's just no reason for us to feel what he wants us to. I don't sympathize with Nyx at all here; she's basically shooting up the school because she had kind of a rough day.

The only real conclusion one can draw, in fact, is that most of this is just coming from the influence of the Nightmare Moon personality, which once again raises the philosophical question of what that is exactly. I'm sorry to keep harping on the subject, but more and more I'm beginning to suspect it may be at (or near) the core of what makes this story so spectacularly mediocre. This story is fundamentally about Nightmare Moon, but the author doesn't seem to have ever decided (or even thought about) who or what Nightmare Moon is at the deepest possible level. Here, she seems to be presented as kind of a generic spirit of hate and anger, that possesses an otherwise normal pony and transforms her into an evil version of herself. If that's the case, it makes this whole scene rather dull, because if I'm reading the situation correctly, Nyx is about to spend the next…Jesus Christ, ten more chapters…doing a lot of really bad things that she doesn't have any real motive to do. If the NM persona is making her do this, it's roughly the same as if she were on drugs or mentally ill; she can't really be held completely responsible for her actions. This annoys me because it basically lets her off the hook in advance for whatever she's going to do, like some kind of wacky Equestrian Papal indulgence. At the same time, according to this story's own canon, Nyx is Nightmare Moon, so…what then? She possessed herself? She was really evil all along? Maybe the spell supercharged her evil side and now she's all hopped up on some kind of magical PCP? she is black, after all :^) I'm not really sure how to interpret this, but more importantly, I can't really think of an excuse for it that makes it suck less.

Anyway, after Nyx gets done giving Twilight a proper tongue lashing wakka chicka wokka chicka, Spell Nexus and his little circlejerk step up and give her a lot of obsequious "allow us to escort you to your palace, my queen" type bullshit. She goes off with them, just as Celestia and Luna show up. That's pretty much the end of the chapter.

wew lad, that was a whole lot of concentrated autism. I think I need to go lie down for a while. Stay tuned, we will continue with chapter 11…soon, I think.

56f78 No.256622

File: 1579730742887.png (624.56 KB, 4341x1495, 3232139 - Clear_Sky Cookie….png)

>>256619
Holy shit that's a lot of posts in a short while. How many are you gonna do today?

Ugh, fucking lust my greatest sin. Though, I could not resist the temptation of making that joke.


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