/go/ - Golden Oaks

>>4240
I shouldn't be laughing so hard at the picture alone but as a hamstick boi, I can safely say this is basically every OC in homestuck fan works.

Also that's true pottery, 11/10

>>4237
godspeed, you glorious bastard. I'm enjoying this as I've always been, but unfortunately I've been busy this last two days. Don't think your work is going unappreciated though!

>>4237
WoW!

>>4248
Holy fuck, saved. (And set as my new linux background)

>>4249
Based Glimfriend, nano-men extermination when?

>>4250
SOON(TM).

Jokes aside Glimmernigel actually made me somewhat like Glimmer. I originally hated that Twiggles gave her not only a chance at redemption but a first-class, one-way ticket to her apprenticeship, and wished that her appearance in the show were confined to select moments if anything after her premier episode.

But I kinda like her now, and that pic is so a e s t h e t i c I can't help but like it.

>>4251
Somewhat same. Besides it's fun to see /mlp/ seethe over boop-posts.
I still hate writers for forcing Glimmer friendship with my wife, tho...

Hey whats going on in this thre-

>>4253
>siding with Glimmernigel
You must be new here, friend. Take a look at Glim Glam's posts and the lolcow responses from Nigel.

>>4254
Nigel is a cocksucking faggot but communist sympathy is communist sympathy

>>4255
Would you call sympathy for Louis Budnez communist sympathy? If they realize the error of their ways and show genuine interest in dissuading Marxism, I'd say trust but verify.

>>4253
>>4255
>Memes
If you're actually serious, and not just memeing this holds as much water as Glimmernigel calling all his criticizers lefties and reddit.

He really is the quintessential screeching aspie when anyone pictures that meme of getting upset over boop shoops. I've only just learned about him in these two threads but then while browsing /sp/ I found his autism goes all the way back for an an entire year anytime a starlight glimmer post showed up, he was there with his egotistic condescending attitude. He was banned for it too. He is an insufferable cancer and I see no value in ever unbanning him, but at least there are others willing to make something useful and entertaining out of it.

>>4244
MODS = GODS
Or Admins, in this case.

>>4237
Wow!
Beautiful trip.

>>4260
Wow!
Beautiful trips.

Also >dat blender meme

>>4233
I forget, which of my stories was 91k words?
Also that was a Trump reference, not a dig at him. I support Trump.

>>4262
You're right, I spoke too soon. I'm unfamiliar with FiM Fic's format, and I misinterpreted some of the statistics.
I get it now, and here's a rundown.
Silver Star Apple and the Search for More Money, Love, The Meaning of Life, And Magical Cards - 91k
Consisting of 6 Chapters
The SIlver Spire - 19,993
Now Its a Party - 14,916
Drifting Into a Dog Daze - 6,664
The Strength of Family - 12,506
Stacking the Deck - 4,719
The First and Final Sentence - 32,208 - This is the chapter that's being ripped to shreds.

There's ALSO:
Displaced: Human In Equestria but the Human becomes Twilight Sparkle only more, also Pokemon are there - 11 Chapters totaling 29,488 words
The Last Power Fantasy: Johnny Christie ruins his own story for everyone involved - 6452 words
TCB: Rewrite of 1996 - 10,525
And finally, Coral Phoenix and the Caged Bird - 2 chapters - 2 chapters totaling 19,646 words.

Okay, so there apparently is only 91k words pertaining to the Silver "You know what to insert here by now so hurry up and do it" Star with another 66,111 words between his other stories for a grand total of 157,117 words.
That puts Nigel's combined works at almost the exact length (~1k more than) as JRR Tolkein's The Two Towers (from LoTR).
Sorry for the inaccurate estimates.

In my dream,
the world had suffered a terrible disaster.
A black haze shut out the sun,
and the darkness was alive with the moans and screams of wounded people.
Suddenly,
a small light glowed.
A candle flickered into life,
symbol of hope for millions.
A single tiny candle,
shining in the ugly dark.

I
laughed
and
blew it
out.

While we're on this topic, I think it's worth mentioning that if you're redpilling against a hostile ideology like Marxism, it's actually better, paradoxically, to have the good guys lose and the evil ideology win. This is for two reasons. First, it offers more opportunity to show rather than tell why this platform of thought is evil and to show its logical consequences. Secondly, people have a gut reaction to suffering, especially when it is inflicted by other people. When they read about pain and terror inflicted by a certain group of people, they feel an innate emotional revulsion against the violent group. Having your protagonists lose hope in the face of repression will entice more sympathy than if they go full Rambo and shoot all the baddies.

This is why I believe (and it may be an unpopular opinion on /pol/) that The Turner Diaries is terrible political fiction compared to such works as 1984 and The Camp of the Saints. These latter books present a very real possibility and, by showcasing what would happen to ordinary people down the line, serve as a timeless warning for their audience. The Diaries, on the other hand, by going full "race war now!" discouraged potential readers and, by having the protagonists commit unspeakable atrocities, disgust those who aren't already fully committed to the idea. Pierce would have had more success telling the tale of peace-loving individuals who only too late realized that the unchecked expansion of non-whites meant their doom. You have to entice from the audience the idea that even distasteful actions are necessary to prevent such a future, not actually advertise these actions. Because of the "good guys win, bad guys die" narrative the Diaries, rather than fulfilling the intended purpose, are commonly used to advertise the threat of "dangerous white supremacists."

>>4231
>>4111
>>4120
>>4222

7. You're Writing About Politics All Wrong

So, up next we've got the scene in which Silver "my cavernous punished rectum is a void from which even light cannot escape" Star undertakes the foolhardy and ultimately doomed mission of attempting to shim sham the Glim Glam (protip: the Glim Glam cannot be shim shammed). I've never been a fan of this particular kind of political writing, as it is basically the argumentative equivalent of playing a fighting game where you control both characters and want one of them to win. The author just creates a mock debate in which he can put his own arguments into the mouth of the hero and use the other characters as sockpuppets who lob softball arguments the hero can easily bat away because the author already has a response ready. It usually makes for tedious reading and usually the reader is neither convinced nor entertained. This is no exception.

There is a fantasy author named Terry Goodkind who writes this way except better. For anyone who wants to try this sort of political writing, I would recommend reading his Sword of Truth series, as it is actually a decent example of how to do it reasonably well. I will warn you that the series is I think 13 books long, he doesn't really get to the meat of the story until about book 3, and the books can be a little thick to get through at times. Mostly they're good reads though; Faith of the Fallen is one of the most inspiring things I've ever read. However, my advice for you personally, Nigel, is still Ctrl-A + Backspace.

Whether or not this kind of mock argument is a successful way to convince anyone of anything I personally doubt. The art of persuasion is a whole other topic, but the way I look at it is if you're trying to persuade someone, there's two ways you can do it. You can appeal to their mind with logic, or you can appeal to their emotions. I know that appeal to emotion is technically a logical fallacy, but the thing about it is that it works. Liberal Hollywood uses it a lot (read: exclusively). I'm not saying that right wing authors should try to emotionally manipulate their audience the way Hollywood does, because this is a disingenuous thing to do and it tends to backfire eventually, again look at Hollywood. But with fiction, the idea is to tell a story that engages the reader and creates characters that they form an emotional bond with. If you can craft stories that demonstrate the superiority of right wing ideals using characters the reader cares about, you'll do a much better job convincing the reader of your point of view than if you just wrote out the reasoning behind those ideals and dumped them into quotes. The right has an advantage here: we don't need to twist things or spin things the way the left does, all we have to do is tell the truth and make it entertaining and engaging.

I'll use Goodkind as an example. Faith of the Fallen is a story in which his protagonist, who is fighting an enemy called the Imperial Order which is basically a stand-in for Marxism, is taken prisoner by a sorceress who is a true believer to the cause. She believes that, instead of fighting the protagonist, she can convince him to join their side by demonstrating its superiority. She takes him prisoner using magic and forces him to live with her in their capital city. Basically, he has to live under their system for months on end, the idea being that he will eventually realize how much the poor people suffer and how a system of total equality is the only fair way for a society to operate. He suffers under their system but he maintains his beliefs and his spirit. He makes friends with people there and shows them small ways in which they can improve themselves and their lives, even under a system that punishes self improvement. He secretly earns gold beyond what he's rationed by working odd jobs at night. I won't spoil how it ends, but ultimately it's a story about a lone individual struggling defiantly against an oppressive order. He adapts to their system and then rises above it, and it's both emotional and inspiring. The effect on the reader is much greater than if he just had his character stand around and make speeches (well, to be fair, Goodkind does tend to have his character make a lot of speeches throughout these novels, and it's a little annoying, that's why Nigel's book made me think of it, beyond that he's good though).

I know it's tempting when putting things that interest you into a story to start going on and on about them. As much shit as I've given you here about the length of your chapter, I can understand how you got carried away; but it goes back to what I was saying about needing to develop an inner filter so you can evaluate what parts you might find interesting to write about, but that the reader might not want to read. Read your own comments section, a couple people in there tell you just as much. Imagine you're just some ponyfag who doesn't give a shit about politics, who picks this up because you want a pony story. How interested would you be in a 24,535 word long dialog about Marxism between two characters? Probably not very. A story about an individual pony's struggles in a proto-Marxist community though could be very moving. You don't need to convince someone to adopt your ideology, you just need to present it in a positive light for them to absorb and leave them to draw their own conclusions. A person who reads it might not respond immediately, but later on in a class where a Marxist professor is pushing his ideology could recall it and realize he doesn't agree with the professor. That's how you persuade people. If you just bludgeon them over the head with your ideology at most you'll be ignored and at worst you'll end up driving them in the opposite direction, again as the left is beginning to finally discover.

Show, don't tell.

>>4265
Also, this guy knows his shit. Listen to him.

>>4267
>>4111
>>4120
>>4222
Anyways, slogging my way through the argument. Ironically enough this is so far the easiest section of the text to read simply because it mostly focuses on ideology so there are less things here that make me want to facepalm while reading. There are still a few things though. We are intermittently reminded that nopony ever really liked Glimmer to begin with, she just had them all under a spell which forced them to like her (I reject your canon and embrace my own, t. Nigel). We also have plenty of Nigel-esque self-aggrandizement. The crowd is naturally sympathetic to Silver "it is literally impossible to rape me because I will never say no to anything you want to shove up my ass, but I'll still pretend not to like it if that's what you want" Star, he really doesn't have to do anything to win them over except to keep on being awesome. That always helps to create a ripping narrative. You accuse Glimmer of "shooting a filly" at one point, not quite sure what the hell that was about, but whatever. Maybe that was in one of the earlier chapters you keep insisting we all need to read before we can comprehend this masterwork.

Here's another classic Nigel-ism:
>You think you’re right, I think I’m right, but if we never talk this out like rational adults, we’ll never find out who’s really right. Now, let’s discuss how wrong you are.

Even in a mock argument where both participants are your sockpuppets, you can't even pretend you're actually having a real debate here. Really from the get-go this was never meant to be a debate, it was meant to be an inquisition. Not even a trial, because in a trial the accused gets to defend herself. You've pretty much already concluded that she's wrong about everything, this is just the part where put her in the stocks and humiliate her before leading her to the gallows.

Glimmy does get the chance to defend herself a little:
>I hate it. And I hate you. I want all your excess money taken away from you, so you’ll be left with nothing but the scraps you need to survive.
Have to be honest here, I'd read that fanfiction.

Naturally, it wouldn't be complete without more bragging from Silver "I can deepthroat an entire eggplant" Star:
>I’ve taken down white-collar criminals, golden-collar criminals, evil nobles, evil Kings and Queens, even evil Princesses. I’ve taken down monsters who tried to feed virus-infected meat to the world, so their friends can sell cures at a premium. I’ve even made life considerably harder on unethical businessponies who use Planned Obsolescence to sell marginal upgrades to pointless devices at high prices, without actually taking them down properly, because what they were doing was unethical, but not really an offense punishable by a ruined career. I’ve saved multiple Equestrias, including this one. I’m a hero.

This is just pointless bragging, and a lot of it is shit you already mentioned before. Even just cutting out filler text like this would improve quality.

Anyway, more predictable Commie-patter from Glimglam:
>You’re rich, and that’s wrong. Rich ponies are greedy, because they hoard wealth and resources. You should all be forced share them with everypony else.

You know, I have to say that as little as I came in expecting, you still manage to disappoint me. Not only did you bloat your text with an obscenely long fake argument, the argument isn't even interesting to follow. This is just typical strawman crap, where you reduce the other side's point of view down to simplistic statements that can be easily batted away. It's just reddit-tier amateur debate. It pretty much just goes "muh equality" "but muh wealth" "but muh poverty" "but muh hard work", back and forth just like that. This conversation has been had millions of times across the internet and it's not any more interesting to read here.

The least you could do is try to make this argument seem serious. Don't make your communists argue communism the way you see it, you have to try to get inside their head and argue it the way they would see it, and try to refute it from there. It doesn't just make the dialog more interesting, it's good mental exercise for you. Pretend you're a communist and you honestly believe it, then try to think of the best argument you can for Communism. Then try to refute that.

Anyway, a few more minor things. You refer to a city called "Las Haygas." If I'm not mistaken the MLP universe already has a parody Las Vegas called Las Pegasus, which is a better horse pun anyway. I'd just use that. Also, that fourth wall shit you do where you talk about "the camera" moving from the fillies back to Silver and Glimmer? Don't do that, it's cringey. I can visualize the type of gag you were going for, but if you can't figure out a better way to describe it just leave it out.

*sighs heavily*
*rubs temples*
Look Nigel, on some level I appreciate what you're trying to do here, but this really is just a very mediocre effort. You construct huge paragraphs that tediously lay out what ultimately amounts to some pretty basic arguments. I'd like to grab a snippet from your own comments section for a moment:
>While I agree with silver's ideals (communism is a horrible thing), I found myself rolling my eyes halfway through the story. If I wanted a lecture on politics, I could go watch Ben Shapiro, Steven Crowder, or Gavin McGinnis.
This guy was actually fairly polite and it looks like you responded to him nicely, I'm guessing he's one of a handful of readers who periodically strokes your cock so you don't want to piss him off. Here's an even more poignant observation:
>Also, while I get some people hate starlight glimmer, I'm personally indifferent to her character, and this chapter did not feel like her character at all (ooc). It felt like you were beating on her for no other reason than you hate her, and that's something I can't get behind.
Straight from the horse's mouth, as it were. If you won't listen to me, you should listen to this guy.

>>4265
I think the Turner Diaries is a case study in multiculturalism and what happens when you abandon your founding/majority stock.

It's no masterpiece but I think the way Naked Ape describes the "turner effect" in his video on the alt-right is pretty spot on.

>>4269
I think the "you're rich and that's wrong, you should be forced to give that away" line is just the most shitty attempt at "debate" I've ever seen. Like I said before, actually get in the head of a communist and there will be more substance. Imagine, if you will, how the scene would play out with this kind of dialogue:
>"But for you to become rich, you must take advantage of and exploit others."
>"I don't want to take everything away from rich people but what reason could you have for all this needless luxury?"
>"With the money of just one of the top 1% of America, you could give every homeless man $100,000 housing, or even up to $10,000,000 to live off if we were to take from the absolute top-earners. All those people are starving in a ditch with no way out, uneducated and illiterate, with no inheritance or safety net. And then those who are both poor and suffering a severe disability!"

Again, I don't agree with these points, since no matter how wide the gap between rich and poor, capitalism raises living standards across the board, and I believe stocks and inheritance are legitimate forms of wealth. But if you show that Glimmer is a corrupted idealist, someone who did all her commie shit out of a desire to help the helpless, as commies universally claim to, that at least draws a little bit of character around her instead of her literally being blamed for all the world's problems and accused of forcing everyone to like her to bleed them dry. That kind of characterization is inherently childish and does nothing to prove a real life political point.

>>4271
An addendum to the green in this post: remember that much of the issue is an issue of definitions and beliefs. To communists, organization and heirarchy are inherently abusive, because of the force they could potentially exert on the lower ranks. We understand a boss needs his workers and has to treat them well enough to encourage productivity, hence negotiable wages and promotions, but to them the very idea of organizing out of necessity (and not out of love for the job/desire for the end product) is immoral.

The trick to convincing a communist is not to simply screech in their face, it's to argue from their perspective. For instance:
>"If my employees wish to leave the business, outside extreme circumstances, they can. In fact I owe them severance for any overtime done in that time, which stacks up quite fast. There are market forces that dissuade bad treatment of a workforce, and often extra motivators like raises give them added satisfaction. It may seem predatory, but my role as a business-owner is important too, for without this heirarchy and my organizing of labor and resources, the business would be less efficient, or worse, stagnate and die out."
>"The alternative of a classless society without market forces is one in which the only motivation is the greater good of man, and while it is a noble goal, it's not enough for many other people, and different interpretations of morality and philosophy mean one view of a greater society is the death penalty while the other is imprisonment. The fact we're in this debate only proves this point; religions, governments and businesses all have differing beliefs for the greater good. I think the greater good is to innovate technology so that we can work towards eco-friendly alternatives that are more affordable than fossil fuels. How do I enforce that without stepping on a few hundred million people? No, by organizing a company, shaking hands and making deals to please shareholders, I'm doing as much as I can for my greater good."
>"Why equality? What makes it so appealing? We are all different, with both inborn traits and cultural ones pushing us toward a certain set of skills. This fits very neatly with the division of labor. Wouldn't it be better that a tall and athletic man works a physically demamding job relating to his interests and skills? Even if it's a sport or olympian feat like sprinting or football, if it makes him and those around him happy and his service of entertainment or exercise-related science benefits his consumers, why make him a farmer and a baker and a factory worker? He has no reason to find farming or baking interesting in his eyes, and factory work is often demeaning and low-skill labor that may very well be phased out with technological development. Let him be a basketball star or competitive runner!"

Again these are just on-the-spot ideas. Really not that hard to construct around a capitalism v. communism debate if you know your characters, setting, and ideologies.

>>4269
>>4111
>>4120
>>4222

I think that >>4271 made a good point that a lot of what is wrong with this is just how you present your arguments and portray Glimmer. I've said a lot of this before I suppose, but it bears repeating. You pretty much just use Glimmer as a mouthpiece for spouting boilerplate Communism with some weak horse puns on ideology names to connect it to MLP. As usual with you it's just bad writing and shows a lack of understanding of the universe you're writing in.

I'd like to return for a moment to what I wrote about earlier, when I went over your lack of respect for the canon characters of the show. It definitely applies here, because you're doing the same thing to Glimmer that you do to Twilight and the others. Now, when I say that you need to "respect" the canon characters, I'm not saying you necessarily need to like them, since it's pretty obvious at this point that you don't like Glimmer. However, even if you're writing about a character that you don't like, you still need to make an effort to understand who that character is and what her motivations are, otherwise why write about her? One of the biggest problems you have is that you frankly just don't write believable dialog, and that combined with the fact that you go completely off the rails here with all the politics just completely destroys the believability of the story. If you didn't occasionally throw in weak nods to your setting like saying "Marksism" instead of "Marxism" or describing Glimmyglam's utopia as "unlimited carrots for all" because haha horses eat those, I would forget I was even reading an MLP story.

Your problem is you superficially understand this world and its characters but you don't think any deeper about them. It's not even enough to just understand their backstories and basic personalities, you have to go deeper than that. Who are these characters? If you create some arbitrary situation like being lost in the woods, how differently would Twilight respond to that situation than say Rainbow Dash? You have to learn to think like that. It's not enough to just know their names and speech patterns and details of events that happened in the show, you have to think of them as real people (or horses or whatever) and try to see situations from their individual perspectives if you want to write them well. That goes just as much for Glimmer even though you don't like her.

You go way off the deep end with speculation about what Glimmer's plans were. You basically accuse her of plotting to take over the world and subject it to some kind of pony proto-Communism. Even though you're allowed to take creative license, is that really what she would try to do? Is that what she wants? Most of the arguments you put in her mouth are just boilerplate Antifa-tier commie arguments about wealth inequality. Is that really the type of inequality that Glimmer cares about? Seems to me she's more concerned about unequal distribution of talents and abilities, not material wealth.

The way I see it, at the core of Glimmer's character is loneliness. Her character basically parallels Twilight's in that she's a very smart pony but kind of a socially awkward sperg. She manages to make one friend but he goes off to magic school and she gets left behind, so she feels abandoned. Rather than try to make new friends she isolates herself and dedicates all of her time to her evil plans. There's nobody around to tell her she's being a retard and she just needs to go out and try to make some new friends. This is actually a fairly common scenario in real life, people have shot up high schools over shit like this. For a kids' show it's actually a pretty good story angle, because there's probably kids watching who can relate to Glimmy. I guess what I'm saying is, even if you want to make this character the villain, you still need to write her arguments from her viewpoint, not yours.

The difference between Twilight and Glimglam is that Twilight had Celestia to teach her and eventually push her into a situation where she was able to make friends and come out of her shell, Glimmer didn't have anyone. One of the complaints you make over and over (and I've heard this complaint elsewhere) is that Tirek did similar things to what Glimmer did, but didn't get a redemption. Well, Tirek was basically a centuries-old entity, for all practical purposes a mythical creature like Angra Mainyu or some shit. Creatures like that get vanquished and sent to Hell, that's just how fantasy works. Any chance for redemption he might have had probably passed thousands of years ago, now he's just a monster. Glimmer has a human (equine?) component and the writers apparently felt she deserved a second chance. You don't have to like this or agree with it, but that's her character and any attack on her should start from that. Don't just dump human ideologies into her mouth and have her vomit them out, it's bad writing and makes for tedious reading.

The other thing is understanding your setting from a technical perspective. *ism type ideologies are a post-enlightenment development in human thought, and are largely the product of a liberal social order. Politics don't really come up much in MLP, but to me it seems like it's basically a benevolent monarchy, with pony communities being largely autonomous in the details of how they run things. The average pony probably doesn't think much about politics on a scale larger than his local community, and what academia exists is mostly devoted to the study of unicorn magic. Ponies all seem to have race-based roles and be content with them. You can think of it as a more or less medieval social order, so aside from maybe the occasional Martin Luther type crackpot running around, you probably aren't going to have a lot of treatises and ideologies. Especially since it seems ponies are mostly content with the existing social order; there's really not much fertile ground for revolution here. That's my take, anyway.

>>4273
>>4111
>>4120
>>4222

Anyway, some more nitpicky things I guess. You mention the steel industry, but I don't know that I've seen evidence Equestria would have knowledge of making steel, although it's difficult to tell just how industrialized their society is.

>She groaned in exhaustion. “Could you stop over-analyzing everything?”
Once more, Glimmer, the pony you hate, is proving surprisingly insightful here. You go through several examples that really just emphasize the same point over and over, which is that in a society with no personal incentive to work, where everyone is expected to share labor regardless of interest or ability, work will probably not get done as efficiently, and there will be less food/wealth/whatever. Your points aren't wrong, but you don't need to make the same ones over and over. t. guy who keeps making the same points over and over

You then start talking about Equalist countries without citing examples of which countries you're talking about. I guess in a world like this where lands outside the main setting aren't very clearly laid out you've got some room for creative license, but do a teensy bit more world building here. What countries are Equalist? How does Glimmer know about them? Has she ever been to one? You go into exhaustive detail about how these places work but don't really talk about where they are in the world or who lives there, again it just feels like you're writing an essay about human politics and draping a thin layer of Pony over it. Also, you spend a lot of this paragraph restating the same points you've made multiple times already.

>One thousand, five hundred, and seventeen. This might sound strange, but after you beat down as many unrepentant and incurably evil villains as me, you start to hear the same bad, fallacious justifications for evil actions over, and over, and over again... And, you start to hear the same ways to gloat about being evil over, and over and over again... So, I decided to make a little game out of it. I count how many times I hear a certain fragment of a villainous mindset announced, such as ‘Others cannot be trusted to make the right choices, so I had to choose for them!’, or ‘I had to do it, because only I can do it! I am blameless because I was chosen by fate!’, or ‘But this is the only solution to the problem at hoof I can think of!’. After all, villains aren’t particularly unique or interesting.

Just for fun, you, the author, should do the same thing with your story. Count up how many times in this chapter Silver "pound my butt at the speed of light" Star or Starlight Glimmer makes the same point about muh wealth or muh inequality. Listening to people argue in circles in real life is tedious enough, nobody wants to read the play by play in text. TRIM THIS DOWN.

>I’m saying you’re a really boring villain. I mean, really, come on. Look at you. Put all the supposedly-reformed friend-backstabbing evilly-gloating stuff aside for a moment and look at you. You aren’t some brilliant free-thinking visionary. You aren’t some overly-idealistic, tragically deluded wannabe-hero. You’re just another run-of-the-mill god-wannabe who wishes she could change the world to better fit her vision of what reality should be. Just another idiot too dumb to see anything wrong with her own idea of a perfect world, and too much of a jerk to consider taking advice from somepony who knows more than you.
More unintentional irony. I'll say it for the umpteenth time: your hero is a really boring hero. He's a walking pile of cliches and super-powers ripped off from anime and comics and God knows what else. His backstory is corny, nothing about him is original, entertaining or believable. People in glass houses, Nigel, people in glass houses.

Jesus Christ, your paragraphs are practically long enough to be their own self-contained works. Anyway, blah blah blah, more blathering about muh poor dirt farm backstory, more pointless bragging about all the crazy shit this character can do, blatant plug for his new line of Extreme Gear (really curious now to find out what this shit is lol), more arguing in circles. The crowd naturally cheers Silver and boos Glimmer, Trixie tries to defend her and gets a tomato launched down her throat, hopefully somepony knows the Heimlich. Not even going to waste time commenting on this part. Moving on.

Oh, lol. "The Equalism that _____ tried wasn't REAL equalism." Was wondering if you'd include that one. As long as you're having Glimmyglam rattle off tired, cliche arguments you might as well throw in the kitchen sink.

So, now it looks like Rainbow Dash punches Glimmy in the face, you make a specific point of mentioning that Twilight is gone without even hinting at where she went or why (my guess is she went off to find a better fanfiction to appear in), the crowd starts getting angry, then a few more essay-length paragraphs of arguing in circles. I just want to mention too that you keep calling Glimmy's ideology Equalism, but you branded it Marksism in a previous paragraph. You should probably just pick a made-up term to use as your preferred allegory and just stick with it. Also you never really elaborate on what "Harmonism" is exactly. You throw around a lot of words, some of which are real ideologies in the human world, others seem to be part of your fictional world. You don't really elaborate on most of them and just sort of leave it to the reader to decide what they mean.

Looks like Applejack makes a token appearance, although the only dialogue you give her are Big Mac's catch phrases. Oh okay, here's a paragraph explaining the naming convention for Marksism and Equalism. I guess Marksism is Marxism and Equalism is Communism. Cleared that up I guess.

>>4274
>>4111
>>4120
>>4222

Anyway, it looks like you're finally wrapping this up, thank God. Silver finishes off Glimmer with this sick burn:
>You keep saying hierarchies are unnatural fake social constructs, but hierarchies can be seen in all natural societies across the world, across the multiverse, even in animals. Wolves, Monkeys, Rabbits... Even Lobsters have hierarchies.
<So you’re saying we should organize our society along the lines of the lobsters?
>I’m saying even Lobsters are too smart to be Equalist.

How will Glimglam ever recover?

Anyway, turns out she won't have to, as your massive raging hateboner is finally transformed into a flaming sword of justice, to finally slay the mean pastel-colored cartoon pony whose mere existence offends you so.

You know what, I'm just going to drop this next bit in verbatim instead of summarizing it, because I don't think I could even muster enough sarcasm to do it proper justice:
>Screams of awe flooded the room, and Silver grinned victoriously as he found himself lifted up by crowds of cheering ponies as they collectively lost their marbles. Across the world, birds, cats, dogs, squirrels, rabbits, cats, dogs, howls and meows and screeches and rabbit noises could be heard worldwide. Underwater, dolphins, sharks, and sea monsters cheered, bubbles flying from their mouths to the surface, a bubble popping above the ocean blue every few seconds to unleash the sound of cheering sea life. Even the sun grew a temporary face, just so that it could scream.
And yes, this paragraph is 100% unironic.

Anyway, Glimglam is so completely and utterly BTFO by Silver's sick bantz that she starts to cry, summons all of her magics, and tries to destroy him (or something). Since we couldn't possibly expect any less from him at this point, Silver "check it out lol I am now literally a flaming faggot" Star summons a corona of fire around himself, which turns out to be a spell that can literally fucking freeze time, and naturally doesn't affect him "as much," so only he can move around. He informs Glimmer that he created this spell in two hours "because he was bored", makes fun of her for taking 20 years (again I'm curious where you got this number from) to create her magic-stealing spell (because who needs to spend time and effort actually learning stuff when all you really need to do is be super-totally-awesome to begin with, amirite?), and proceeds to summon a metal ball from the earth and ram it directly into Glimmer's jaw so she bites down on her tongue. He then proceeds to physically beat the shit out of her, which he apparently justifies by the fact that his spell protects her from actual injury...somehow...though she still feels all the pain. And just to clarify, the pain we are talking about here is biting down on your tongue after getting uppercut in the jaw with a metal ball "the size of a boulder", followed by a direct kick to the face while being thrown across the room. I would also like to take this moment to remind everyone that none of this is in self-defense; Silver picked this fight himself with a pony who was eating cake at a party and apparently minding her own business.

Naturally, the only reaction to this display of unwarranted violence from the crowd is from Rainbow Dash, who only sees fit to remark on how cool it is that Silver's horn didn't even glow while he was using magic. Yes, Silver "somepony literally fist this character to death I'm not even joking anymore" Star is just that cool.

Once again, I'd like to quote something verbatim:
>“Just a little something I’ve been working on.” Silver shrugged casually, and then a wide grin broke out on his face as his eyes grew cold and his breathing grew deeper and slower. “Something to make this a little more equal.”

That's right kids at home, you read that right. Nigel's stupidly overpowered character, who has all the powers and is pretty much deus ex machina incarnate, considers magically immobilizing an opponent and beating the everliving fuck out of her while she can't move to be some kind of leveling of the playing field.

As if all this wasn't enough, Silver then casts some kind of blue tornado spell on the crowd to whip them into a fury, so that even fucking Fluttershy for fuck's sake is screaming and howling for Glimmer's blood. Yes, the text specifically mentions that Fluttershy is screaming the loudest.

Once more, verbatim:
>Glimmer sensed a pony teleporting behind her, and she turned in time to see Silver standing there, a long sword in his mouth. “Nothing personal, filly,” He muffled around the blade’s handle.

Anyway, I'm not even going to bother with a play-by-play for the rest of this. They fight for a while, if you can even call it that; it's mostly just Silver sadistically torturing Glimmer for about a page while the rest of the ponies cheer.

Some choice dialog, from the great and virtuous hero of this story about pastel cartoon ponies:
>典he best part is, no matter how hard I hurt you, it’ll never be enough! You’ll always deserve worse. Oh, the things I could do to you... Do you think, when Twilight comes back, she’ll question it when I tell her you went on a journey to find yourself? Do you think anypony in town will question it when I sell a new cow to some farmer on the other side of Equestria? Or, perhaps, I’ll turn you into a Parasprite. Those things only live for a week, you know. Or I could turn you into chocolate, and eat you.
This part isn't even in quotes, it might even just be part of the narration.

This scene is over the top even for you, Nigel. This is downright ghoulish, the only parts that redeem any of this are the parts where its unintentionally hilarious. You need actual psychiatric help. Also, what the fuck kind of wapanese keyboard do you have that allows you to hit a kanjii as a typo?

Anyway, I feel like I need about a bottle of aspirin after that scene. I'll be back.

>>4269
>You’re rich, and that’s wrong. Rich ponies are greedy
After all the amount Nigel talked up 'beating her' at a debate this is the most underwhelming copout he could have ever come up with. I guess it's not surprising when he calls all his critics reddit (irony) and communists and glimmerfags but I was hoping he could come up with a stronger argument than what a fucking third grader could LARP.

>>4274
>One thousand, five hundred, and seventeen
So is this faggot oc supposed to be immortal or what? there havent even been 10 big time villains we've seen in MLP and the reader is supposed to swallow that he's taken out more than a thousand of them. And when did that happen, when he was working in the fields as a pony he was saving the world in his spare time as a colt? This is incredibly trashy consistency, I dont even think he goes back and checks if anything lines up except dumb irrelevant shit like '2extreme 4ugear'. As always a huge red flag that the writers self insert is more important than any other character in the show and undermines all of the Elements of Harmony instantly being dwarfed by the size of his ego.

>>4275
Making up powers on the spot that this OC has never had to begin with all so he can have his a cheering crowd including the whole MLP universe apparently and have an orgy pile later. And then launches into fully psychotic, and sociopath assault and monologue that sounds like the true villain right there. Such a bad writer that he made Starlight the victim instead of the one people want to see put down, and the one actual humans with a concept of guilt and morality to sympathize with. Anyone else besides this disgusting OC would put a stop to it, not cheer it on. Makes me think that the spell he accused Starlight of using, making everyone like her is what's going on in reverse. But of course, Nigel has no self awareness.

The whole thing is a flaming dumpster fire and an insight into his warped mind. Why would he think anyone would ever want to read this and think they would agree with him? He's legitimately insane.

>>4275
">典he best part is, no matter how hard I hurt you, it’ll never be enough! You’ll always deserve worse. Oh, the things I could do to you… Do you think, when Twilight comes back, she’ll question it when I tell her you went on a journey to find yourself? Do you think anypony in town will question it when I sell a new cow to some farmer on the other side of Equestria? Or, perhaps, I’ll turn you into a Parasprite. Those things only live for a week, you know. Or I could turn you into chocolate, and eat you."

That reminds me of Handsome fucking Jack from Borderlands. You hear me Nigel? You're like Handsome Jack. You sick fuck.

>"See, I can’t just have some psychopathic murderers getting The Vault before I do. Don’t get me wrong, it’s cute that you all think you’re the heroes of this little adventure, but you’re not. You’re bandits. You’re the bad guys. And I am the goddamn hero."
>"You see, this is what I don’t get about you bad guys. You know the hero’s gonna win but you just don’t die quickly. Example. This one guy in New Haven. City’s burning, people are dying left and right, yadda yadda yadda. This jackhole rushes me with a spoon! A fricking spoon! And I’m dying laughing right? So I scoop out his stupid little eyeballs with it, and his kids are all ‘waaaaagh’! and - hahahahahaha -he can’t see where he’s going, and he’s bumping into stuff and… hahahaha. I don’t know, maybe you had to be there. The moral is: you’re a total bitch."
>"I can actually see why you'd wanna tear that particular statue down. Clearly, you're illiterate, and the image of me enjoying a good book just makes your head hurt somethin' awful."
>"Oh, get over it. I shot ONE baby. And, in fairness, it was being a dick."
>"I bet you’re feelin’ pretty great about killing that no-name bandit king, huh? Sometimes I envy you bandits, you’re so...unburdened with things like intelligence, culture, morality, honor, ambition, good looks...I could go on. I won’t. But I could. [...] DIGNITY! I forgot dignity!"

>>4275
>>4111
>>4120
>>4222

8. Your Hero is the Most Morally Reprehensible Character in Your Entire Story

So, my scroll bar is nearing the bottom of the page, the fight scene seems to be wrapping up, so it seems we are nearing the end of this particular tome of autism (thankfully).

A couple of things, here. I notice that you have Twilight inexplicably leave the scene at some point. You don't say at what point she got up to leave or where she went or for what purpose, but you make a specific point of mentioning that she isn't there anymore. My suspicion is that even with your complete dearth of anything resembling talent in the realm of characterization, on some instinctive level you probably understood that the Princess of Friendship might object to your character sadistically torturing her protege. I highly suspect that your decision to remove her from the scene had less to do with consideration for Twilight's feelings and more to do with the fact that witnessing this side of Silver's personality might harm his chances of eventually boning her. We certainly wouldn't want to introduce anything resembling an actual challenge for Silver into the story, now would we?

In any case, displaying his trademark level of callous arrogance, Silver offhandedly refers to his love interest as an "idealistic amateur (reminder that this is Celestia's protege he's talking about)" who made a grave, childish mistake in assuming that a creature such as Glimmer could possibly reform. I'm assuming, though, that Silver's desire to stick it up her vagooper will cause him to be kind enough to overlook this massive character flaw in Twilight. What a great guy.

Anyway, apparently Silver is not quite done yet. Even though Starlight is completely incapacitated at this point, he summons a bunch of his faggot-clones and has them gather around and kick the shit out of her while she lies helpless on the ground, making snarky jokes while they do it.

One might think you'd be done dumping block paragraphs full of ideological blabbering into the story since the argument scene is concluded, but one would be wrong. The Silverfags continue to make speeches about the flaws inherent in Equalism as they beat Glimmer into a near-lifeless pulp on the ground.

Silver then performs some kind of stupid over-the-top finishing move on her involving hundreds of his clones while (naturally) the crowd roars with delight (one might think that at least a couple of these candy-colored ponies residing in magical-friendship-land might be at least a little disturbed by this level of over-the-top sadism, but again one would be wrong, at least in Nigelworld). He kicks her into a metal wall he creates, drops it on her, she explodes it somehow, he is considerate enough to stop the shrapnel from flying before it tears the crowd to shreds (what a great guy), beats her up with pieces of earth he levitates from out of the ground...

Jesus H. Christ. Every time I think this is about to end it just keeps going and going. Anyway, he tortures her for a while longer, makes some more arrogant speeches about how awful she is, takes her under some kind of metal dome, threatens her some more, tortures her some more, and finally passes sentence on her. This is done in another massive block paragraph that is probably five times as wordy as it needs to be. The basic gist of it is that Starlight is forbidden to harm ponies and can never return to this dimension. In quite possibly his most arrogant act yet, he has the sentence "witnessed" by clones of himself, then opens a portal for her and orders her to go through each of the worlds she "ruined" and "fix" them. She naturally doesn't go quietly, so he finally kicks her in there and closes the portal behind him, thankfully drawing this horrendous scene to a close finally.

Anyway, blah blah blah, some shit about a magic gem, who cares. Silver pauses for a moment, reflecting on how benevolent and great he is, and how heavy is the burden of his responsibility. To quote the poet: "Sometimes it was rough being a rich and handsome superpowered genius who was an all-powerful magician and time-travelling quantum physicist who could bend time and space to his will and was also the world's greatest ninja."

Silver then chugs a Monster™ Zero-Ultra™ Energy Beverage (literally this happens), does some more reflecting on what a benevolent genius he is (literally this happens), then he goes back to the barn, where the assembled ponies all cheer him (naturally). The scene ends with Trixie being left to reflect upon how foolish she was to ever try to be Glimmer's friend. Hopefully Silver "ingestion takes too long, just put the semen in a glucose bag and hook it up to my veins" Star will find it in his magnanimous heart to forgive her.

Anyway, there's an epilogue to all this but fortunately it's only a couple of paragraphs. It basically is the big reveal for why Silver "I can literally go fuck myself" Star and his fuck-buddies that all look like him were ransacking Twilight's home, in case anyone is still reading and still cares (doubtful). As I mentioned before, they are attempting to install a hot tub into her home without her permission, because that makes sense. The chapter concludes with one of the clones exclaiming that he would like to "get a picture of her reaction" when she gets home and discovers what they did. I'll admit, I would be curious to see that reaction too, although frankly I'd be more curious to see her reaction to the surveillance footage from Applejack's barn.

>>4278
I am starting to think that this is Nigel's attempt at reverse psychology. In actuality, he loves Glimmer and communism but he is trying to do some kind of insider sabotage. Not because I think that people that have a similar ideology as myself can't be assholes, stupid or something like that. His craziness just breaks my suspense of disbelief in real life that's all.

>>4280

>I am starting to think that this is Nigel's attempt at reverse psychology.

You are giving him way too much credit. Usually, most behavior can be explained by simple reasoning. dont go for the conspiracy theories when you can just slap him on his ass.

as far as i could tell during the material i could find, Nigel has a history with disrupting and antagonizing himself against other communities. allegedly, he was active on MLPchan and did much of the same there before he was expelled. He later went on to reddit, just to get banned from there as well. IF he is only pretending to be a functional retard (which i highly doubt), this has been an OPs that has been going on for the better part of the last 3-4 years, largely offsite.

after being exposed to Nigel and his filth for a year now i can say he lacks the brain cells to pull something like that off. And even if he did, he would have gained very little but the scorn of some random pony losers on the internet. Nigel is a selfmade Internet Leper with a rat tail of A-logs.

>>4280
>Nigel is ironically this bad
Sorry, not buying it. There's far too much 'dialogue' and 'discussion' to cite and indicate that he is quite literally that bad, outside of a diabolical scheme. No sense blaming artifice when stupidity is so evident.

>>4278
>>4111
>>4120
>>4222

Lol I'm Canadian now.

Probably the most disturbing thing about this character is his extreme megalomania. The issue here is not only his blatant disregard for the feelings and general well-being of the ponies around him, but the distorted lens he sees everything through. In his mind, he genuinely seems to believe that he is not only behaving morally, but righteously. The thought never even crosses his mind that he might not have the automatic right to act as judge, jury and executioner in the case of Ponykind v. Starlight Glimmer, regardless of what she might have done. It never even crosses his mind that Twilight might not like having her house broken into and remodeled without permission. It never occurs to him either that maybe he shouldn't murder his girlfriend's protege, or that maybe having her only real friend taken away will hurt Trixie, or that at the very least if he's going to torture poor Glimmy maybe he shouldn't do it in front of a room full of ponies who probably aren't accustomed to witnessing that level of brutality. You even included the CMC in that scene ffs; did the thought even cross Silver's (or your) mind that maybe he shouldn't be brutalizing a defenseless pony in front of impressionable foals? No, not even once. He doesn't actually kill Glimmer, but the thought clearly crosses his mind and he sadistically dangles the idea in front of her, and probably sees his choosing not to go through with it as an act of magnanimity that others should praise him for.

The irony is, all of this could actually make him an interesting character in the hands of a competent writer, particularly if he wanted to write something dark and edgy. I could see Silver being a character similar to Patrick Bateman; a wealthy killer who looks at the world through the distortions of lunacy. The trouble is, Silver is written without even a hint of irony or awareness; you're just as oblivious to the insanity of his behavior as he is. His sadistic treatment of Glimmer is completely justified to you. His invasion of Twilight's privacy to you seems like a sweet romantic gesture. The fact that you had Twilight inexplicably excuse herself from the party so that she was conveniently absent during the worst of the fight scene indicates that you have some dim inkling that his actions might not be well received, but it never seems to register in either of your minds as being actually wrong. Silver doesn't want Twilight to see what he does to Glimmer, but it isn't because he's trying to shield her or spare her feelings, he just doesn't want it to interfere with his romantic pursuit of her. As soon as he traps Glimmer in an alternate dimension, the next thought on his mind is surprising Twilight with her new hot tub.

Really, if one can ignore how shitty your writing is and all the logical inconsistencies and continuity errors and general awfulness of this story, and take everything in it at face value, the only rational conclusion one can draw is that not only is your hero actually the villain, he is probably the most dangerous villain in Equestria. He has an absurd level of magical power, is demonstrably capable of excessive cruelty, is almost completely oblivious to the emotions of others, has a god complex, has nearly unlimited wealth and resources, and seems able to rationalize even the most heinous deeds into acts of heroism or love. Villains like Sombra, Tirek, Queen Chrysalis, and the like behave fairly predictably. Their motivations are pretty much the standard "I'm evil and do evil because I'm evil" routine that can only exist in cartoons and melodrama. Silver "o mighty Thor please pound me in the pooper" Star, by contrast, lives in a world of perpetual delusion. He believes he's a hero sent to rid the world of tyrants and commies and whatever the fuck else he deems fit for removal, and he doesn't care what he has to do in order to remove them.

Ironically, the idea of justice you present in this story is closer to Antifa's "I can punch Nazis because they're Nazis" logic than it is to any sort of right-wing or conservative ideal. As much time as you spend dissecting and redissecting Glimmer's ideology of "Equalism", you never really clarify what it is exactly that Silver believes in. He clearly advocates some kind of free-market capitalism, but his views on law and order are never really discussed. He seems to at least verbally express respect for Celestia and her right to rule, yet he has no problem bypassing Celestia's rule and passing judgement on a pony that Celestia's own protege, and a Princess in her own right, chose to forgive and accept as protege herself. Even if Glimmer were guilty of everything you accuse her of (once again I'd like to point out that most of it is just your autistic headcanon), and if her repentance of these acts had not actually been genuine, shouldn't she be brought before Celestia and Twilight to be judged by proper authority in light of this new information? Silver just takes it upon himself to punish her and doesn't even fucking tell Twilight about it. This isn't even frontier justice; at least there you have a criminal being condemned and sentenced by the consensus of the community. This is just one crazy unicorn going around beating the fuck out of everyone he doesn't like for no better reason than that he can.

>>4283
Oh shit, do you have custom flags now, or are you using a VPN?

>>4284
I believe that he is probably in Canada. It sounds like that to me atleast when he says: "
Lol I'm Canadian now." I can't put my finger on why right now though.

>>4285
I mean, he could just be channeling the leafy-green magic in order to piss off Nigel further. But yeah, if he is actually in the country now, enjoy your time and stick to the forested regions over the metropolitan regions.

>>4283
>the idea of justice you present in this story is closer to Antifa's "I can punch Nazis because they're Nazis" logic than it is to any sort of right-wing or conservative ideal

The irony is beyond the pale. Holy fuck. All this time talking mad shit about commie scum, and he acts almost exactly like them. It's almost like, he has less in common with the majority of the right wing and more in common with the enemy.

>>4286
Well, if he is channeling the >leaf magic, he has my blessings as a high priest of shitposting. I only ask that he returns it before the next new moon, as the magic's requirements demand.

>>4287
Now now, you only say that cuz you're an SJW-leddit-glimmernigger-commie. If you were really right wing, you'd realize the superiority of his position.

>>4288
>>4283
Lending my Burger energy through the power of the eternally bickering siblings.

INB4: Glimmernigel returns with >A FUCKING LEAF and DotR memes.

>>4288
A week and a half? Should be enough time to finish reviewing this chapter.

Jokes aside, I'm hoping that Glim!Glam decides to go back to the beginning of the fic and work forward, then give a sort of summary or analysis with this newfound context. Then the old fics if anyone's archived 'em. I've been thinking about where we're gonna get our keks if he deleted his whole fimfic, hope someone archived it all

>>4291
Your respect of the shitposting arts, and your dedication, have pleased me. Allow me to bestow upon you a small gift, in return.

Tis a tale as old as the 'Net itself,
Purging cyberspace of your works,
But in Fimfarchive's vast digital shelf,
This dream is squashed, like a Turk.

>>4278
>Your Hero is the Most Morally Reprehensible Character in Your Entire Story
I know you skimmed over it but I feel like this part deserves a little more emphasis on this point. Thanks for laying out the general flow so I can skip massive chunks of this verbal puke and just use searches.

>They're disgusted by what you've done. They're disgusted by what you ARE Glimmer!
As always this sums up everyone's reaction to reading this Silver Shitfest.

>Do you hunt down ponies worse than you, if you can find any?
Because in a universe where friendship and forgiveness is the universal concept what matters is making sure to murder or maim other ponies would definitely be something that her tutor Twilight and Celestia would approve of. Even though Starlight has already shown that she learned using force is not the answer and proved it in Shadow Play II.

>No, you’re dancing around with your new best friend, some pathetic charlatan, the only pony who sucks almost as much as you, while-”
Of course to Silver by mere guilt by association, Trixie is nearly just as bad as Starlight in Silver's eyes even though she has done nothing even close to what Starlight has done and had already turned over a new leaf with an apologetic tour when she met Starlight.

>“Don’t talk about my friend like that!” Glimmer
>As if he was catching a sword with two hooves, Silver grabbed Glimmer’s face and slammed her into the dirt, cancelling her spell. “NEVER!” He screamed, lifting her up and slamming her down again, face first. “INTERRUPT! ME!” He shouted, punching her hard where her jaw met the upper part of her head.
>“Now,” Silver said in a calmer manner, “As I was SAYING...
And here for the crime of speaking up to defend her friend, which demonstrates that she has indeed even started to learn the core fundamentals of Equestrian principles for this SIN of speaking over Silver she is brutally assaulted by this disgusting megalomaniac OC.

>>4292
I shouldn't be seeing this as much, but my immediate mental background music was this:
https://youtu.be/5Dq01x-oxWM

This entire lolcow-milking session has been a damn journey. It's more of an honor than it should be, to receive such a splendid gift.

>>4293
Thank you, you've helped me to realize a glaring issue
>>Do you hunt down ponies worse than you, if you can find any?
>Because in a universe where friendship and forgiveness is the universal concept what matters is making sure to murder or maim other ponies would definitely be something that her tutor Twilight and Celestia would approve of.
This illustrates the point; Nigel (and Silver "cruising for an anal bruising" Star by proxy) thinks he knows better than every pony in Equestria. Princesses be damned, forget the elements of harmony, Friendship is Magic (it IS a FiM fic,... right?), everything else.

This story is a FiM fic in name only, just so that Nigel can posture himself as better than everyone and everypony.
>inb4 I'm diagnosed with ligma XDDD

>>4291
>>4292
I doubt he'll delete it, his ego is too large to erase his masterwork, along with the two or three positive comments it got, which he probably reads over and over while masturbating. We could spend the next decade shitting on him and he still wouldn't admit that his story sucks. Still it's good to have this for posterity or "just in case".

>>4283
>Silver "o mighty Thor please pound me in the pooper" Star
>Silver "check it out lol I am now literally a flaming faggot" Star
>Silver "You know what to insert here by now so hurry up and do it" Star
>Silver "my cavernous punished rectum is a void from which even light cannot escape" Star
>Silver "it is literally impossible to rape me because I will never say no to anything you want to shove up my ass, but I'll still pretend not to like it if that's what you want" Star
>Silver "I can deepthroat an entire eggplant" Star
>Silver "pound my butt at the speed of light" Star
>Silver "somepony literally fist this character to death I'm not even joking anymore" Star
>Silver "cruising for an anal bruising" Star
Now this is quality writing.

>Silver "Semen Please Daddy" Star
>Silver "I don't care if your dick has Zebra shit on it I want it in my mouth" Star
>Silver "Help Me I Am Literally Drowning In Cum" Star
>Silver "genie of the weenie" Star
>Silver "hot cross my buns" Star
>Silver "Squeeze me I'm full of custard" Star
>Silver "You know what on second thought don't help me, just give me more cum" Star
>Silver "Mrrmphrrrgarblgarblgarbl that's the sound I make when choking on half-breed donkey cock" Star
>Silver "Mommy Dressed Me Like A Filly When I Was a Colt and This is How I Turned Out" Star
>Silver "Ho ho ho I am Santa Claus, get it? It's because there is semen all over my face and it looks like a beard" Star
>Silver "I'm not even going to give him a nickname this time as his real name is literally synonymous with sucking cock" Star
>Silver "Fuck My Ponut Until it Tears At The Seams, Resembling A Leaky Raspberry Jam Filled Donut that has been stepped on" Star
>Silver "I want you to pump my asshole like you've been wandering in the desert and just found one of those old timey water pumps and are desperately trying to get water out of it" Star
>Silver "seriously, I am a colossal faggot have you figured this out yet" Star
>Silver "I will suck your dick so hard you will literally turn inside out" Star
>Silver "pound my asshole until my hips break" Star
>Silver "I'm like a wine connoisseur but with penises instead of wine" Star
>Silver "Rock Out With Your Cock In My Ass" Star
>Silver "I came to kick ass and chew bubble gum and suck thousands of dicks and not do the first two things" Star
>Silver "fuck my throat until the choker breaks, then put it back on and fuck me again" Star
>Silver "can you please get this bowling pin out of my ass doctor I have to poop, put it back in when I'm done though please" Star
>Silver "can you get AIDS from French kissing a male camel's butthole? asking for a friend) Star
>Silver "grab me by my flanks and launch me into orbit, Rocket Man" Star
>Silver "fist me Daddy" Star and his Silver "there's ten of us now so let's make an equine centipede" Spares
>Silver "yummy cummy in my tummy" Star
>Silver "if this van's a rockin it's what I'm suckin cock in" Star
>Silver "just stick it in, the cum from the last guy is lube enough" Star
>Silver "fist my asshole and use me as a boxing glove to fight Antifa, it's literally all I'm good for" Star
>Silver "are people still laughing at these?" Star
(every fucking time)
>Silver "I'm so Reddit I drew a Pickle Rick face on my dick to surprise my dad" Star
>Silver "I'm not gay I just suck a lot of zebra dick" Star
>Silver "hot cross my buns" Star
>Silver "I swallow if I'm thirsty" Star
>Silver "my gaping, ruined anus can literally be used to play skeeball" Star
>Silver "Down on the Docks is Where I Hunt for Cocks" Star
>Silver "your scrotum is my lucky totem" Star
>Silver "I got an infection from that last beef injection" Star
>Silver "I can't resist throbbing beefy dong either though" Star
>Silver "I think Dan Harmon is actually a pretty great guy" Star
> Silver "put a saddle on me and ride me to the gay bar" Star
>Silver "Starpunch" Star
>Silver "I can fit a whole pineapple in my rectum wanna see?" Star
>Silver "I'm a mare trapped in a stallion's body" Star
>Silver "Self-insert? What's that? I dont care just insert it into me" Star
>Silver "oh shit I'm out of butt lube and the butt lube store is closed today this is the worst Christmas ever" Star
>Silver "Tell the Doc I crave the cock" Star
>Silver "does this dildo in my ass make my ass look fat?" Star
There should be a medal for these kinds of demigod-tier shitposts.

>>4283
I feel a bit sad you have reached the end of the chapter. I hope we get to hear what happens next (seen from your point of view).

>>4283
>>4111
>>4120
>>4222

9. Chapter 6 - Summation and Final Thoughts

Well, I have now officially read all 32,223 words of this particular selection, and am ready to offer my final verdict:

Put simply, this blows. The issues with this chapter alone, both in terms of its technical construction and its overall literary value, are so numerous I could probably devote twice as many posts to it as I already have and still not even scratch the surface of just how atrocious this story is. The narrative is clumsy and confusing, and reads like an unrevised first draft (which I assume is exactly what it is). You frequently contradict yourself, or randomly introduce new elements into the story without offering explanation. Characters enter and remove themselves from scenes for no reason other than to help move the story in a direction that you want it to go, regardless of whether or not it makes any sense. Most characters are just cardboard cutouts of themselves with no depth whatsoever.

For instance, you construct a scene in which Pinkie Pie throws a party for Twilight at Silver's behest, to which everypony is invited (summoned?). From the beginning of the scene, you never even make it clear whether or not Twilight is attending her own party, or how she got where she is, or what she's doing. You mention her not being there, then all of a sudden she's there, then all of a sudden she's not anymore. Why is she wandering in and out of this barn party? What are her reactions to the fragments of events she witnesses? You make it clear that she isn't present during the fight scene, but her location for most of the party is unclear. At one point we see her "smiling proudly" as she watches Silver and Glimmer apparently making nice after Silver, alarmingly, attacks her out of nowhere. She is not mentioned again until nearly the end of the fight scene, where you simply state that she "wasn't there."

Your handling of the crowd of townsponies during this scene is equally confusing. At one point you mention a spell being cast on them by Silver, but it's never clear just what he does. At one point it sounds as if the spell somehow amplifies their emotions and makes them angrier at Glimmer. However, in a later paragraph you mention the spell somehow holding back the other ponies and preventing them from interfering, implying they might want to. Which is it? The only thing that remains consistent is, no matter what your OC does, they always cheer him for it. The CMC are apparently playing Go Fish throughout this whole scene and ignoring it, making them, apart from Glimmer, probably the most sensible characters in your entire story.

I've already gone into pretty exhaustive detail about your insensitive handling of the show's main (mane?) cast, so I won't dwell too much on it here, but I do want to reinforce a couple of important points. You set up Twilight as Silver's love interest but also make it abundantly clear that Silver has almost no respect for her intelligence or judgement. The narrative basically reduces her to a tittering schoolfilly who spends her leisure time doodling Silver's name on her notebook over and over. Even though her official title in Equestria is Princess of Friendship, and she has assumed responsibility for Glimmer's reformation in that capacity, Silver apparently sees no issue with expelling Glimmer from the universe on the basis of her past crimes, dismissing Twilight's views as "naive" without bothering to even consult her about it. As far as I can tell, Silver basically sees Twilight as just a QT 3.14 with a nice plot I'm not saying she isn't mind you, but if that's all you're going to treat her as you might as well just write porn, and the lack of apparent awareness you write him with suggests that this is basically your view as well. It's interesting that in a story where you repeatedly exalt your own character's struggles and accomplishments, and seem to be pushing a moral that hard work is the only path to success, you have that same character behave so dismissively to the struggles and accomplishments of his love interest. At the absolute least he could have asked her if she even wanted a damn hot tub before he tore all the plumbing out of her house, Jesus Christ that is some next level autism.

To summarize, this fanfiction is basically just a bad story that is written badly. The whole thing is just a rambling, incoherent narrative that glorifies your OC and pays little attention to the universe and characters of the source material. Your handling of every scene is clumsy and insincere, and the text spends about two thirds of its length being a Reddit-tier political treatise that just rehashes the same basic points over and over. About the only thing you pay any serious attention to is your autistic world mechanics; magic and Extreme Gear and all that horse shit that Protip: nobody but you cares about. Learn to actually write these characters and this world before you go trying to add elements to it.

Anyway, I originally just wanted to troll you a little, write up a couple of snarky posts pointing out some of the more obvious defects in your writing, and move on with my life. However, as I stated earlier, I am now fascinated by this train wreck you call your body of work. Since you have repeatedly stated in these threads that it is not possible to give your magnum opus a fair ANALysis without having read the whole thing, that is precisely what I am going to do.

The overture has concluded. Join us next time, everypony, as we begin our true deconstruction of Silver Star Apple and the Search for More Money, Love, The Meaning of Life, and Magical Cards. And by all means, anyone with the interest to do so is free to also read the text and submit their own thoughts. I'd like it if we could turn this thread into sort of a book club/rountable discussion on writing, maybe even inspire each other to do some writefagging ourselves.

Before we get too far into Silver Apple Star and the Search For Rice Krispy Squares and Hard Sweaty Butt Sodomy, or whatever the title is, I want to provide some background on Nigel's overall body of work.

This is a list of all the stories Nigel has thus far published to FiMfiction along with their associated ratings by the community:

The Last Power Fantasy: Johnny Christie ruins his own story for everyone involved
13 upvotes / 26 downvotes (66% negative)

TCB: Rewrite of 1996
19 upvotes / 55 downvotes (74% negative)

Displaced: Human In Equestria but the Human becomes Twilight Sparkle only more, also Pokemon are there
29 upvotes / 94 downvotes (76% negative)

Coral The Phoenix and The Caged Bird
7 upvotes / 28 downvotes (80% negative)

And of course, the masterwork, Silver Star Apple and the Search for More Money, Love, The Meaning of Life, and Magical Cards. Ironically, this pile of dogshit is apparently Nigel's most popular work, racking up an impressive 41 upvotes, compared to a mere 44 downvotes (51% negative). Congratulations, Nigel, maybe one day you'll beat the spread.

Hilariously enough, Nigel is also a member of the following groups:
>The Decent Writers Club
>Parody of Overpowered OCs
>Why in the heck doesn't anypony appreciate OC's?
>Bronies With Blades
>Good OCs
>Undertale (every fucking time)
>Best Stories Ever
>Authors Against Harsh Critics

Oh, sweetie.

>>4302
This 100k word firewood is somehow listed as Romance, Slice of life and Comedy. Did anyone see anything funny in what he wrote like a completely series lecture over communism barely even letting Starlight have a word in before burying her in more long winded berating and that's even without the sadism. Even his attempts at humor falls on it's face, but political 'debates' (which gives him more credit than it's due because it wasnt a debate )is what I look for in a quality comedy.

It speaks volumes when Nigel only thinks the merit of good writing are just more to slog through for the reader when it's always been said the soul of wit is in brevity.

I'm sure the dislike ratio will drop through the floor after people read chapter 6. Maybe it could have avoided it's fate before hand and starting out at sea was all naive and wishful thinking before the Silver "I can fit that whole ice burg inside me" Star became nothing more than a mouthpiece for his own ego and sank this Titanic of a fimfic.

>>4301
I have in fact been thinking about posting a review thread on this site for a while now. I am almost done with my review that I thought I would post on it. The review is about the episode: "It's about time".
I also think that would be great anyway.

All the ocs that populated the rich land that was mlpol had gathered. The firstborn had returned, SilverFagot!Star

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Chapter 1: The Silver Spire of Curved Monkey Penises

>His eyes drifted toward the other book, a fantasy novel, a trashy and derivative piece of genre fiction. He'd like to say he didn't know why he was still reading this trash, but he knew perfectly well. He wanted to know everything about this book, he wanted to read it all, and then he wanted to lock it away somewhere and never read it again. If he ran into any fans of this book, he wanted to be able to launch himself into a ten-minute rant about this book. He hated this book, but after seventeen chapters of garbage, simply giving up would be like... well, simply giving up.
Welcome to my world, Silver. Welcome to my world.

This story actually starts off somewhat promising, so clearly you need to add "tragedy" to your list of genre tags. We are immediately introduced to Coffee Grounds, a coffee-colored unicorn with a white mane and tail that resembles whipped cream. He is a somewhat lazy businesspony who owns an unsuccessful but well-situated coffee shop that he is trying to sell. His personality is that he basically enjoys making money but has little interest in his work; his talent is making coffee but he has never taken it particularly seriously. Most of the work gets delegated to subordinates, so the business has never taken off despite being in a prime location. However, he imagines that he can probably sell it at a good profit and coast on the money for a bit.

Congratulations, Nigel: you have just created your first decent character. His concept and design is silly, but not unintentionally so like with Silver "I have second degree burns inside my rectum because I was curious what would happen if I put a piping hot Arby's™ Jalapeno Popper up there" Star; he's just mildly silly in a way that would fit into the universe of the series. You clearly establish a personality and a basic motivation for him. His goals are believable and in sync with his character. He seems like the type of pony who has some bad habits and negative traits, but nothing so awful it would turn a reader against him immediately. He is a somewhat frivolous but likeable pony with room to improve. This is a well-made character; I would read a story about Coffee Grounds.

Sadly, it all goes downhill from there. After a brief scene in which there is some confusion over an appointment, we learn that the pony Coffee Grounds is going to try to sell his shop to is none other than Silver "forget about the second degree burns, if I don't get a cucumber in my rectum before noon I will literally start having panic attacks" Star. Naturally, our first introduction to Silver immediately paints him as a colossal douchebag. We find him in the penthouse office of his personal skyscraper, reading a book on magic (and also a trashy fantasy novel, his impressions of which are quoted above). We learn that he has apparently been reading for the last 17 hours, but only 6 have passed, due to his ability to slow down time or something.

There's some back and forth between Silver and his Griffon secretary about whether or not he may actually be too awesome for his own good, and the various types of ennui he's developing from his adversaries not being awesome enough to provide him a slight challenge before he vanquishes them anyway. He is introduced to us as a self-made billionaire and super genius who spends most of his time and energy on esoteric magical pursuits, and seems to enjoy grifting wealthy ponies whom he perceives as intellectually beneath him, which as far as I can tell is part of how he built his fortune (rather negating some of his later speeches about earning his fortune through hard work, imo). Basically, this character is introduced to us as Tony Stark without all of the things that make Tony Stark sympathetic. Also, he seems to have a habit of chugging some kind of magic-enhancing elixir that concerns his secretary.

Anyway, this is followed by a rather long and complicated sequence of events in which Silver "okay so the cucumber seems to have ruptured my burns and now I have an extremely painful infection up there, but if you think that will stop me from having butt sex you obviously don't know me very well" Star does a bunch of magical acrobatics to transport himself across the street to where his meeting is. I personally think this scene is a bit long and complicated, but you clearly want to demonstrate Silver's magic abilities and his cocky desire to show them off, so I guess it's kind of a judgement call whether to scale it back or not. As an action sequence it's not bad.

Well, to make a long story short he then crashes through the window and makes a rather theatrical entrance that annoys the ponies he's meeting with, apparently this is deliberate and meant to reinforce the fact that he's a complete douche. At least he repairs the window. The meeting is between himself and three ponies: Coffee Grounds, and two others whose names I have trouble remembering, Lemon Pledge and Comet™ Bathroom Cleaner With Bleach I think, or something to that effect. I'm assuming they're just throwaway characters anyway.

I'm assuming the meeting is a fairly important scene for this part of the story and will probably have numerous instances of supreme douchery from Silver "oh god I wasn't kidding about these infected rectal burns being painful but Jesus H. Christ do I ever enjoy sodomy" Star, that will need to be catalogued and memed, so I will save it for the next post.

Pic related is a character I've christened Onion Hulk as I don't know who he really is or why he exists; after Coffee Grounds he is my favorite character you have yet created.

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Alright, so we're maybe about a third of the way into Chapter One and already we have a prime example of Silver "how many calories are in dog semen? asking for a friend" Star behaving like an utterly reprehensible douchebag. Apparently deciding that the three ponies he's kept waiting (he gave all three of them an appointment at the same time and then kept them all waiting for several hours) are not worth even this much of his time, he uses his magic to construct separate livestock pens for each one (not making this up), and then sends clones of himself in with each one to handle the actual meetings. He then sits down and continues to read his book, which I assume is some kind of instruction manual on how to become even more of an insufferable mongoloid, while conducting the meetings simultaneously via some form of telepathy (not making this up).

So anyway, it looks like we're dealing with Comet Ping Pong first. Apparently Comet is being blackmailed by somepony and wants Silver "literally shove patio furniture up my ass" Star to fix it for him. He offers money, which naturally Silver finds insulting. Silver brags about how rich he is for a while, taking the time to mention that he invests his money instead of just sitting on it, because apparently he's the first pony in Canterlot to have thought of that (wait, you can get rich by investing money? I thought you were just supposed to hoard it like a lake troll. teach me your ways, Alan Greenspan!). After that, he informs Comet Wang that his price is that he wants to literally own him, including his home, his inheritance, his title (apparently he's a Prince or something) and replace him with a clone of himself (or something).

Oh, this is rich:
>“You lost your right to call yourself a Prince when you did something even young foals know not to do. I've seen pictures of your wife, and she's adorable. She also doesn't seem like a legitimately terrible pony, so tell me, what possessed you to betray her trust – and betray her – like this?”
Apparently, the whole issue here is that Comet "betrayed" his wife by pawning her jewelry to buy collectible action figures, and the blackmailer is threatening to expose him. I'll admit that's actually a funny gag, so good job there, but the trouble is it's not really an evil enough act to justify how shitty Silver behaves. What I assume we're supposed to take away from this scene is that Silver is meant to be some type of Chaotic Good rogue-type character who enriches himself by scamming others, but it's okay because the people he scams are scoundrels themselves. We're all supposed to laugh at how clever he is and applaud his exploits, while taking satisfaction in the comeuppances he inflicts upon his marks. While this type of character is a time-tested and popular archetype, the challenge with it is you have to make your rogue likeable. Put simply, if you're going to have Silver behave like even more of an obnoxious douche than the people he scams, it doesn't work.

In any case, as we saw in our sneak peek at Chapter 6, Silver treats mares pretty badly himself, and is probably not a pony who is in any position to be whiteknighting. And yet he goes on:
>Relationships are about communication and mutual understanding. Not some foalish zero-sum game where whoever apologizes first loses and whoever has more power over the other and gets away with being terrible to the other more often wins!
And there you have it, folks. A lecture on how to build a successful marriage from a character who will eventually burglarize his girlfriend's house in order to make improvements to it that she didn't ask for, after sending a pony she'd adopted as a personal protege into another dimension without bothering to consult her about it. Moving on.

Anyway, Silver offers Comet a metaphorical deal with the devil, in which he can choose to either give up his cushy life in Canterlot and start a new life with his wife in alternate-timeline Manehattan, or take his chances with the blackmailer. We leave him pondering for a bit, and move on to Coffee Grounds' interview. We also get a short interlude paragraph in which Silver chuckles to himself about how stupid Coffee Grounds appears to be and gets annoyed with how his clones aren't performing quite as he'd like them to.

Oh, one small thing:
>It was irritating to note that the replica hadn't blinked once, the entire time, and it made Silver wonder if he remembered to have the other replicas blink. Like finding a typo in your work you had once failed to notice, it was irritating in a way nothing else could possibly match.
I would just like to mention that I have come across multiple typos in this work.

>>4308
>>4309
I don't know how much you have left to post, but it should be capped, for the sake of posterity. Other people should be made aware of Nigel's fuckups and your insight into them.

>>4045
I really liked your work, don't let hater sjw's tell you how to write man.

>>4309
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>"So as you can see, Mr Star... may I call you Silver?" Coffee asked with a wide grin.
>"You may not." Silver said flatly, staring at the businesspony with his barely-interested, unblinking ice-blue eyes that seemed far too old, cold and wise for his young-adult age.
>pic related
Daily reminder that if your fanfic OC is young, is described as having any sort of spiky anime hair, has stats maxed out in multiple areas significant to the world you're in, is capable of feats that would prove challenging or impossible to the most talented canonical characters, and is considered "wise beyond his years," you probably have a (G)(M)ary S(t)u(e) and should consider scrapping the story and heading back to the drawing board.

So anyway when we last left Silver "don't call me Silver my name is Lady Marmalade, the Eternal Chugger of Cum" Star, he had finally deigned to interview a much better-designed character by the name of Coffee Grounds, who is giving a presentation on his business that Silver is not even remotely interested in listening to, no doubt because he is too busy dreaming about creamy buttered mustang penises. The meeting is used briefly as a framing device for spoonfeeding the reader a large portion of Silver's backstory, in which we basically learn what we already knew about him: he's rich, suspiciously powerful, extremely lucky, and pretty much a cum gargling faggot. The spoonfeeding ends with a rant about how overpriced and poorly run CG's coffee shop is:
>...these fools, who had squandered such a great location with mediocre and VASTLY overpriced coffee that drove away anypony who didn't somehow convince themselves that the generic 'Black fancy chairs in one corner, wooden tables on the whole left wall, walled-off food counter with workers behind it and an easily-changeable chalkboard for prices, orange lighting with black and brown highlights on the room's colour scheme' ambiance was worth the outrageous prices... These fools were not worthy of owning a business.
I assume this suspiciously detailed description of a coffee shop is probably in here because some hipster coffee joint overcharged you for a latte or something IRL. Or, maybe you just hate coffee shops in general. Everything you write seems to either be a revenge fantasy or a regular fantasy that reads like one.

And oh God, you just won't stop with the unintentional irony:
>I once read a certain work of fiction, when I was bored, and it starred a supposedly intelligent protagonist. To make this supposed intelligence clear enough to the audience the writer expected his books to have, the writer decided to remind you how intelligent he considered this character every five lines. That's what it felt like, at least. To make matters worse, the character himself, as though constantly peacocking for an invisible audience, kept reminding every other character in the story what a 'Genius' he considered himself.
But holy shit you just keep going:
>Unfortunately, this character was stupid, and he only seemed intelligent because outside of a few rare puzzle-solving moments of ingenuity, he was only the smartest character in a world of idiots. He was boring to read, boring to watch, he was annoying, and he was utterly unlikable. There was never any tension, because this character would constantly get bailed out by pure dumb luck and conveniences upon conveniences if his own wit combined with the writer's wit couldn't hack it. He had no ponifying moments, beyond the obvious and stereotypical ones, and while fans may argue his unbearable personality was a front to cover his insecurities, the writer certaintly didn't seem to be going for that at the time, but I'm sure he'd happily accept the credit for such a great get-out-of-ponifying-characters-free card. He constantly wasted time trying to validate the chips on his shoulders, and his own stereotypical physical deficiencies by rubbing his supposed intelligence in the face of every character who'd let him, and it was just downright unpleasant to read. So I'll skip the part where I'd planned to do that on the way here, you'll skip the part where you'll make that necessary, and I'll get to the other two, who have far more interesting backstories.

This is all dialog spoken by Silver btw, and none of it is even relevant to the conversation at hand. He just blurts this out for no reason. It's like your subconscious is trying to force its way into your conscious mind and tell you something about what you're writing and why you probably shouldn't keep writing it.

Anyway, CG makes an offer that is probably a highball figure, but instead of negotiating in the normal way until a fair price is reached, Silver makes an insultingly low offer, which CG naturally has no choice but to accept because hey, it's not like any of the other moneyed elites in Canterlot are going to be interested in buying a piece of valuable real estate, amirite? Anyway, he sells his coffee shop for 25 bits (down from 2500) and is out of the story.

>>4313
>Silver makes an insultingly low offer, which CG naturally has no choice but to accept
>He sells his coffee shop for 25 bits (down from 2500) and is out of the story.
For some perspective on how much of an asshole move this is (and a reminder to research your material you're going to write for) 8 bits can buy a basket of apples from Applejack in Season 1. So Silver "I need all the bits for myself stacked up as a towering golden dildo for personal use" Star thinks an entire business shop is worth 3 baskets of apples. Insulting low offer is putting it too lightly, but everyone is a spineless doormat in this universe so the OC can shine over everyone else.

>>4313
>It's like your subconscious is trying to force its way into your conscious mind and tell you something about what you're writing and why you probably shouldn't keep writing it.
Kek
Nigel's subconscious is like: "WAKE ME UP INSIDE! I CAN'T WAKE UP!"

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Next up is Lemon Bar, who apparently is one of any number of farmers who were swindled out of their family farms by Silver "it's not really grifting if you condescend to them and call them stupid also I suck cock lol" Star, who apparently bought up a fuckton of them and is now running some sort of Monsanto type factory-farming operation all across Equestria. Silver naturally justifies this by insulting Lemony Goodness and telling him that he sucks at business, basically because he and his family wanted to take weekends off and sell their products at prices below the level of extortion.

Before we go any further, I just want to once again say that this character is just awful. He's not just badly designed and badly written, he's a genuinely bad person (pony?). You seem to want him to be sympathetic and even heroic but it's almost as if you yourself are so lacking in basic decency that you don't even realize just how reprehensible his actions are, and expect everybody reading to chuckle along with you while Silver "oh yeah pound more shekels up my ass Mr. Shekelberg" Star just goes around cheating ponies and making fun of how stupid he thinks they are.

This character's whole backstory, as I understand it, is that he is supposed to be a self-made billionaire who started with nothing and rose quickly to the top on the strength of elbow grease and wits. You describe him as a cunning businesspony who uses his genius business acumen to cheat the ponies who deserve it and reap the profits as a reward, sort of an ethical rogue as I described earlier. However, thus far you haven't demonstrated that at all with him. So far we haven't seen him going after gangsters or shady businessponies or even low-level crooks. At this point in the story all we know about him for certain is that he performed some kind of hostile takeover on a family farm (which he justifies by calling the farmer lazy and stupid, and insisting that he didn't "deserve" to run his farm). We see him extort a pony who comes to him for help dealing with a blackmailer, essentially forcing him to trade his identity and his title in exchange for keeping a relatively minor transgression a secret. Moreover, Silver justifies this by acting like he's teaching him some kind of lesson about appreciating his wife and having a better relationship with her, however it would have been better for him to just go home, confess what he'd done and try to work out their differences. Nopony learned anything from that encounter yet Silver profited and acted like he did something noble.

Last we have Coffee Grounds, whose only real crime was being lazy and running his business poorly. However he was still the rightful owner of the property he was selling and deserved a fair price for it, how well he ran the business on it shouldn't have mattered. After all, Silver was basically buying the location and getting the shop for free, and it's pretty obvious that Silver has plenty of cash to throw around and will be able to turn a profit one way or the other.

So far, as much as we've heard about Silver's vaunted work ethic, as well as his heroic exploits fighting cattle rustlers and whatever the fuck else, we really haven't seen him do anything besides sit on his ass reading books while getting rich off the misfortunes of others, then berating them for being stupid. This really is one of the most unpleasant heroes I've ever encountered in any story, mostly because he's written without any level of irony or awareness on your part of how awful he truly is.

One of my all-time favorite stories is a comic written by Ed Brubaker called The Last of the Innocent. It's a story about a truly reprehensible protagonist. Basically, he abandons his hometown and his high school sweetheart to marry a rich girl and climb the social ladder. Then, when the marriage fails, he cooks up a scheme to murder his wife, get a huge pile of money out of her father through some fancy stock manipulations, then moves back to his hometown so he can just pick up where he left off with his old girlfriend whom he dumped. He does all kinds of horrible fucked up shit for completely selfish reasons, and gets away with all of it. The thing is though, it's told brilliantly. You see everything that happens through this golden haze of childhood nostalgia that serves as the protagonist's motivation. You see the place in his mind that he wants to get back to, the innocence of his youth that he threw away to go chase money and status. He discards his new life with the same carelessness and impulsiveness that he discarded the old one with. He learns absolutely nothing, and never atones for his transgressions. It has an ending that is happy for the evil protagonist, but to anyone reading is just plain fucked up. It's honestly one of the most brilliantly written things I've ever read.

In order to tell a story about an unlikable protagonist, you have to at a minimum be conscious of who the character you're writing is, and be willing to acknowledge him as an evil bastard while still presenting events the way he sees them. You don't want to pass judgement on him but you don't want to excuse him either, the trick is to just show him as both the way he sees himself and the way he really is. You can almost think of it as watching someone through a window when they think they're alone. Your problem is you have no idea who your character is, because his worldview is your worldview, and you assume it's the audience's view as well. His cruel and callous actions to you seem heroic, the things his creepy autism compels him to do you assume will be seen as lovable quirks. There's no law against writing characters that resemble or think like you, but in order to do so you have to be able to step back and look at yourself objectively and critically, which so far you seem unable to do.

Also, read Poe if you want more well-told stories about evil MCs.

Why are (((the subversive elements))) alternating between bumping this thread and the other one?

>>4317
Maybe read some of it, Nigel, you might learn something.

>>4318
>>4317

Nigel only has a high verbal IQ, otherwise he is dumb like a box of rocks, both in literacy and socially. The sheer ignorance of his narcing ego shield him from any objective improvement the review of his workbody could provide. This whole thread is just mental toiletpaper to him. If he were to admit to his failure his whole imagined writer career would come crashing down. He has more in common with an anti trump partisan than anything else. This whole Glimmernigger conspiracy is his personal "Muh Russian Hackers" tulpa.

>>4308
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>>4316
Something tells me the first draft of this OC had him as a (((Griffon))).

>>4316
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Anyway, let's get back to this travesty. When last we left Lemon Shower, the poor asshole was trapped in a meeting with Silver "[insert gay joke here] or better yet just insert a galvanized metal tube into my rectum to expedite hamster ingress" Star, begging for his farm back, as far as I can tell from the rather convoluted dialog. Anyway Silver, in his infinite wisdom, apparently discerns that Lemony Snickett always wanted to be an artist, so he uses his limitless cosmic power to drill knowledge into his brain, so all of a sudden he knows how to art (not making this up). Lee Lemons is so pleased by this that he cries tears of joy, thanks Silver for showing him such magnanimity, and leaves, presumably with whatever deal regarding the farm he was trying to arrange concluded in Silver's favor.

I'll remind everyone that all three of these meetings are happening simultaneously and being conducted by Silver's clones, while Silver sits off by himself somewhere, stroking his knobby horse dong to Neighponese foal porn.

Anyway, the three ponies unsurprisingly all accept Silver's contracts and lick his heavenly balsamic nutsac as thank you for the opportunity to be in the same room with him. The meetings conclude with Silver being some tiny percentage wealthier than he was before, which he celebrates by going back to his fucking personal skyscraper and bouncing around the room singing to himself about how awesome he is (not making this up).

Quoth the mighty hero:
>EAT IT! EAT EVERYTHING! EAT! GRASS! GET ON MY LEVEL, CANTERLOT! AND EVERY LAST PONY IN IT! GET! ON! MY! LEVEL! I HAVE EVERYTHING YOU EVER HAD AND EVER WILL HAVE, AND THEN SOME!

Then, he becomes seized by some profound ennui, realizing perhaps for one brief microsecond that all the wealth in Canterlot can't make him any less of a gigantic chud. In a rare moment of self-reflection, he thinks back on the events of his recent past and wonders if maybe there's more to life than what he's been doing. Naturally, he uses his magic to conjure a self-amplified electric guitar shaped like his cutie mark (not making this up) and performs an impromptu emo ballad, with clones of himself summoned to sing harmony (not making this up). I really feel like it's in everyone's best interest to include the lyrics of the song verbatim:
>"Gold has lost its lustre, just as gems have lost their shine." Silver sang, starting with a melancholy chord, air solidified by his telekinetic grip serving as the pick.
>"I'm getting bored of victory, and making everything mine.
>I've fought hard to get where I am, and I have come so far.
>Aside from the sun, which doesn't count, I shine as the brightest star.
>I've reached heights I once dreamed of, just as I once fortold!
>So why is this starry void... so cold?
>Why do I still feel this way?
>What is this void inside my heart?
>I've reached the goal I've been aiming for,
>Since my journey's start.
>I've fought to build a throne,
>And claim it for my own
>And I've done it all alone.
>I've built a brighter future,
>I've left the past behind.
>My will is steel, so why is my heart a stone?
>I've travelled so far from where I began
>My life's gone according to my plan
>I used to break locked doors, now they open for me
>I used to be alone, and I still am,
>But now I see...
[clones of himself sing harmony]
>Now I see...
>I've reached heights I once dreamed of, just as I once fortold!
>So why is this starry void... so cold?"

Aw, poor fella. Anyway, his mopings were apparently seen by his Griffon secretary (((Aquilla))), whose widdle heart just bweaks to see her awesome boss so down in the dumps.

>She looked at him with concern. “Seeing you mope around like that was painful in ways you can't even begin to imagine.” She growled. ”I can almost feel my spleen organizing betting pools on when my other organs shut down. You are a train made of win, but it's spinning its wheels and crashing into a train made of suck, I want to look away and I easily could, but it wouldn't change the fact that you're moping around like a loser and it's annoying. Go get some friends already!”

And yes, that is actual dialog. Ms. Griffonstein then demands to know who the last mare he spoke to was, Silver whips out his little black book and immediately flips to a picture of a sexy stallion I'm too classy to even touch that one, and then there's a whole paragraph of spergy nonsensical bullshit about Spitfire and the Wonderbolts, which seems to be another aspect of the show you have some irrational hatred of that you feel like blathering about...some more spergy blathering about dubstep of all things...at this point I'm just skimming text again until it resumes coherence. I think the basic gist of this is that Silver doesn't date much and tends to fail at relationships (who would have guessed).

Eventually we get some more pseudo-depth from Silver:
>“I always feel nothing,” Silver said dramatically, looking off into the distance with a somber expression. “My soul is an ever-expanding void I can sate only with that which I hunger for. Though the emptiness within me is that which drives me on, seeking out greater challenges and new tastes and other forms of fulfilment, the emptiness erodes my will to continue on with each breath, like an animal gnawing at its bars. Yet without that hunger, I am no more than a satisfied Elder Dragon, sitting on his hoard and doing nothing with it. What does it mean to desire? What does it mean to have? Does life exist to eat, or does life exist to want to eat? Are you truly alive when searching for your next meal, or when consuming it?”

Jesus Fucking Christ dude. Anyway, long story short Ms. Talonberg tells Silver to quit being a faggot and go make some friends.

>>4321
>>4111
>>4120
>>4222

So basically, long story short is, Silver "my farts don't even make noise anymore" Star decides that what's missing in his life besides an understanding of basic decency is friends, a concept which he seems to define as "ponies who stroke your dick and tell you you're great because they want to, not because they have to." Of course, he arbitrarily chooses Ponyville from a list of thousands of towns in Equestria he could possibly vacation in, and teleports himself there because fuck taking the train like a poorfag. What could possibly go wrong?

So, naturally, Silver makes an appropriately douchey entrance by appearing over Ponyville, rocketing across the sky like a comet. His supersonic hearing, which he uses to listen in on conversations to make sure ponies he doesn't know aren't talking about him, tells him that Pinkie Pie mistook his coloring for grey, which naturally pisses him off.

His first impressions of the town:
>...looking at Ponyville, he noticed a completely out-of-place crystal castle monstrosity around all the nice, normal, thematically-fitting cottage houses. He’d have to be blind to not miss it, considering how the thing was a giant eyesore.
...says the guy who built a giant phallic silver skyscraper in the middle of fucking Canterlot. Oh, wait a minute:
>Then again, he lived in a giant silver and steel tower he’d built himself in a town filled with buildings made from marble, ivory, and stone, so what right did he have to tell strange ponies to get better taste in interior and exterior decorating?
Well, I'll be jizzed on by an orangutan, a glimmer :^) of self awareness from Silver "I keep a wine cork in my anus when nopony's using it because my sphincter doesn't really work very well at this point" Star. Maybe there's hope for this tale yet.
>This right, really, since his Steel Spire was awesome and thematically fitting while not fitting, while this big crystal temple just looked weird in an old-looking town like this.
Nope, never mind, he's back to being a colossal douche.
>Like someone had found a nice diorama of a city from a hundred moons ago, and slapped down a big pink gem where their megagem turbodream megaprincess hyperbeauty infinicastle would stand.
We get it, you don't like the fucking Princess Castle Playset™ in the middle of Ponyville™; let's move on. You don't need to take common complaints from the internet and dump them into your narrative, it comes across as bitchy and annoying. Plus, everyone reading knows what you're talking about and why you're bringing it up; it's borderline breaking the fourth wall and it kills the enjoyment of reading a story. Learn to filter your thoughts.

>He turned to look at the approaching Pegasus, noting her impressive speed. Which made sense, now that he looked at her beautifully lithe and toned aerodynamic body and the pure magnificence of her strong-looking wings. With wing muscles like those, she could probably crush multiple apples with her feathers alone. Her prismatic mane was odd, but cute, a rare mutation, and despite how 'rainbow' was a collection of colours and not a colour in its own right, it seemed to suit this mare perfectly.
Well, it looks like even Silver wants to cum inside Rainbow Dash. I mean, he's going to be disappointed when he finds out she's not a dude, but still, we can hardly fault his patrician taste. Anyway, I'll grant that you can visually describe things well when you want to, you should try to emphasize that and downplay the autistic rambling in future projects. +5 for that paragraph.

>"Hey, I've heard about you!" He said, realizing who she was. The information was already there in his mind, he just wasn't really paying attention. "You saved Equestria a bunch of times, right?"
>"Yeah, but my friends helped." Rainbow humble-bragged.
>"Cool. So, what can you tell me about The Light of Harmony, or as some call it, Rainbow Power?" Silver asked.
>"Uh... not much. We got six rainbow keys, and a big tree, and we got awesome new rainbow forms-" Rainbow said.
>"What in rainbow colouration?" Silver joked, to her confusion. "Nevermind, just a bad joke," He said, deciding to write that one down later.
Aaaaaaaaand -5 for the clumsily written cringe-inducing dialog that follows. I knew we'd break even eventually. You really need to learn how to write naturally flowing dialog. Nobody talks this way; not here, not in Equestria. Instead of just using dialog as a way to get information on the page or as a means for your character to brag about himself, try thinking about how actual conversations work and try to emulate them. A good exercise would be to put two characters into a random situation and give them something mundane to talk about. Make it a scene where very little else is going on and pretty much all that the characters can do is talk. Try to avoid anything huge or earth-shattering, just write the sort of casual conversation that two ponies would have if they were just hanging out shooting the shit. Think of the conversation from the perspective of each character and try to imagine what they would likely say to each other, eventually you'll just start writing better dialog without even needing to think about it. It goes back to what I was saying earlier about thinking harder about these characters. Who are they? What do they think and feel in various situations? How do they each respectively behave if X happens? You don't even have to write it down, just think about it while you're at work or wandering around grocery shopping or whatever.

>Opens thread expecting a ton of shit
Literally pages upon pages of Nigel getting shat on
Glim you are doing god's work take a (you)

>>4322
>>4111
>>4120
>>4222
So next, after slogging our way through some awkward and cringey proto-conversation between Rainbow Dash and Silver "ejaculate directly onto the bullseye I drew on my forehead and win a prize" Star, they talk about books for a while, in an exchange of what turns out to actually be slightly better dialog. Silver of course is still a massive autistic dong, but as it turns out, one of the few times where it's appropriate to behave like a massive autistic dong is when you're sperging out about books you enjoy (or don't enjoy, as the case may be :^)). For one brief shining moment, Nigel, you actually manage to create a dialog between two characters that somewhat resembles a natural conversation those two characters might have...

...and then you ruin it by veering off into another paragraph in which Silver begins bragging incessantly about stuff he owns. Oh well, it's not like anyone didn't see that coming. Anyway, this faggot has been in Ponyville for literally less than 30 minutes and he's already hitting on Rainbow Dash. Naturally, his way of going about it is to brag about himself, in this case by telling her that he not only owns all of the companies that publish the most significant Daring Do fanzines, but also that he contributes to them (anonymously of course, so he won't be shown favoritism, although it's kind of pointless since he already knows his submissions are the most awesome and will automatically win).

Anyway, he bets Rainbow Dash 9000 bits that she can't suck off an entire hockey team faster than he can, or maybe their contest has something to do with Daring Do books, idk I wasn't really paying attention. Anyway:
>“What, nine thousand?” Rainbow asked in surprise.
Okay, I'll admit that if that joke was intentional, it was pretty funny.

Oh, also the loser of the bet has to treat the winner to a meal. Yes, everyone, you read that correctly: Silver has just attempted the literal oldest trick in the book and Rainbow is about to fall for it.

>“Scared, Rainbow Dash?” Silver asked tauntingly.
>“You wish!” She declared. “You're on!”
>“Really, if one thousand is too much, I can make it ten. What I'm really after is the meal.”
(pretty sure you just said the bet was for 9,000 btw, don't know where you're getting these numbers from)
>“Oh, really?” She asked, raising an eyebrow.
>“Yeah. What's the best place to get something to eat in this town?” He wondered...

Well, as everypony knows, Silver, the best place to get something to eat in Ponyville is the Expensivest Restaurant in Ponyville, owned by a tough-as-nails old pony named Emerald Whiskers, famed throughout the land for his emerald whiskers. Be sure to try the expensivest meal, I hear it's the tops. Just try not to wreck up the place, you gigantic mong.

And then...oh, Jesus. Jesus Christ. I...I...I just...Jesus. Reading this is like watching a slow motion train wreck, but every time you think the train is finished being wrecked, it figures out a way to get even more wrecked than it was previously. This thing is no longer even recognizable as something that was ever a train.

So, apparently, in addition to being the publisher of all the Daring Do fanzines as well as the author of all the cool enchanted interactive puzzles contained in said fanzines, Semen Star is also secretly the world's most widely respected author of Daring Do fanfiction, Silver Fox. SF is naturally also Rainbow's favorite author besides A.K. Yearling herself, who I'm surprised Silver has not yet claimed as a long-lost daughter from another dimension or some shit. Jesus H. Christ Nigel, there's going over the top for the sake of lulz or exaggeration, and then there's just being downright retarded. How does this character find the time to do all this shit? Oh, right, his fucking time manipulation ability that he figured out while he was fistfighting Dracula and teaching Einstein the theory of relativity. That apparently allows him to churn out Daring Do fanfictions (which I hope to Christ are at least marginally less shitty than what I'm reading currently) at the speed of light while conducting thousands of stock transactions per second and hollowing out the Equestrian middle class through hostile takeovers of small businesses. At this point you should not be trying to write fanfiction, you should be talking to your doctor about adjusting your Adderall regimen.

And then...Jesus Christ, I'm just going to paste this next paragraph in.
>"That's right, I'm THE Silver Fox, creator of Silver Spiked Space, False Sense of Infinity, and Imperfect Suffervoid 9X!" The nerd announced with dark glee as the sky darkened and the camera zoomed in, as though the pony was a costumed supervillain announcing that HE was the one who dumped countless tonnes of pudding mix into the ocean and stole every puppy in the world. "He who made Rain Supreme herself, the best interactive comic tester in the business, spend two hours in one room, eight hours in the next room, and four days stuck in the next, only to find she'd wasted all that time on a dead end! He who made her break down in tears and use an emergency exit password for the first time in her life, and take a two-week vacation from all interactive comics before the next interactive puzzle on her list made her rediscover what she loved about puzzles and temples, an interactive puzzle I also created, under, a false, pseudonym!" He announced, gasping for air near the end. He took a deep breath, and calmed himself. "He who made the still-unbeaten A Special Silver Variety of Velocity! He who slakes his thirst with the tears of the unworthy and feasts upon the shattered hopes and dreams of the poor tortured souls that once knew what it was like to hope!"

Needless to say, Rainbow is impressed and probably horny.

And, believe it or not, that is how the first chapter ends. We still have 4 more chapters to go. God save us all.

>>4323
Also, I accept your (you) and say thankya. Have a Fluttershy being adorable in return.

>>4321
I'm pretty much positive that this impromptu emo ballad is Nigel's attempt to mimic the show verbatim. Since the show does random songs from every character under the sun, then it's OK too for his OC to do it. Like when Chrysalis sang even though it's out of character for her. Imitating the show on the surface without having a deeper understanding of the themes is a common occurrence in this train wreck fic. He does it all the way up until Chapter 5 and 6 with Silver "I'm making motions at the 'camera' because I'm ready for my money shot" Star and tries to break the 4th wall with stupid stuff that would only work if it had an actual audience on TV instead of an actual immersive world like most FIMfiction is written.

Also he's apparently bi polar schizophrenic with split personalities, always a bad sign when you cant even keep a consistent character. That last chunk sounds like some faggot goth lamenting about his emptiness and how other people just cant 'get it' its a jarring change from his cocky asshole attitude and just seems entirely forced for him to get a 'peptalk' from his adoring (((Griffon))) who lost all her cool and calm personality the moment she started fangirling about his speed and how proud she is of him doing stupid magic parkour that goes on for way longer than it needs to.

>>4324
>>4111
>>4120
>>4222
Well Nigel, we are officially finished with Chapter 1 of your glorious epic. Before moving on, I would like to take a moment to reflect on this chapter and give some final thoughts on it.

>>4326
This anon makes a good point:
>Imitating the show on the surface without having a deeper understanding of the themes is a common occurrence in this train wreck fic.

This is exactly what bothers me about the way you write. It goes back, again, to what I've said over and over: that before you start writing, you need to have an understanding of what you want to write and why you want to write it. This story is all over the fucking place. You don't understand how to write any of these characters at all. You have a superficial understanding of the world they live in and how it works, and a basic knowledge of their personalities, but it's all just an overlay. You understand them enough to know that Rainbow Dash uses words like "cool" and "awesome", or that Pinkie Pie is generally hyperactive and will speak and behave as such, and you think you can generate a believable fictional world just from that.

You can't just describe an episode of the series the way it looks in your head and expect everyone to love it. Text is a different medium than film or animation. Some visual elements of a cartoon don't translate well into a text-only story, in the same way that some novels don't translate well into film. You also have to be willing to explore your characters a little more, you can't get away with just relying on gags and action and the assumption that the reader already knows who these ponies are. The reader doesn't want to just read some autistic kid's fantasy, they want to be told a story; they want characters they can engage with and feel something for, and a story where shit that's interesting to them actually happens. You have to be willing to go a little deeper than just "Fluttershy is quiet and likes animals." Who is Fluttershy? What are her beliefs and convictions? What is the first thing she thinks about when she gets up in the morning? You have to use your imagination a little to accomplish this. Start with her base character and try to think from her perspective while writing her. Just describing things that might happen in the show the way they would probably happen isn't enough.

The other thing is that you have no idea how to build a story. Basically, you write like a high school kid. You just think up scenarios and events and scenes that you think would be cool in Ponyland, and just have them happen in sequence without trying to adhere to any sort of narrative structure. Chapters are basically as long as you feel like making them. You have a chapter that goes on for like 4,000 words, then you have another that goes on for 32,000 words. You're not telling a story, you're just narrating events in sequence to a reader.

"First I got up today, then I had breakfast, then I got in my car, then I drove to work, but I stopped at the gas station to get a soda. Then I remembered I forgot my badge so I had to drive back home. My roommate was home so I stopped to remind him that he still owes me like $20. Then I grabbed my badge and left. Traffic was bad so it took a while and I was late, then I got to work and my boss was mad because I was late..."

Would you read a novel that told the story like that? The story could actually be about something very exciting, like maybe the guy gets to work and terrorists attack his office or something. It wouldn't matter because the author is telling the story badly. That may be how events would happen if it was real, but in a story you have to assess what to describe and what to skip over. You have to set mood and tone, and build up to whatever the main event is. For instance with your story, was it really necessary to spend probably about two pages describing all the crazy flight tricks Silver does as he's trying to fly across the street? Is there some purpose to including that in the narrative, or did you just write it because you thought it was cool and wanted to write about it? You randomly interject all sorts of things into the story that don't need to be there. You could probably trim this story down to a reasonable length just by cutting out all of Silver's inner monologues and inappropriate rambling about his backstory. All the snide little cracks you throw in about your personal complaints regarding the show don't help either. Don't like Twilight's castle? Why even put it in the story? Just don't mention it. Unless it's going to be a significant location later, there's no reason to even mention that it's there.

The way you end this chapter is badly done too. It just sort of cuts off abruptly, like your microwave tendies were suddenly done cooking and you decided not to write any more. Here's how it ends (this is following the discussion about Daring Do books):
>"This just got interesting... " Rainbow said with a daring gleam in her eye, and it faded quickly as she noticed something. "Hey, wait a second... Where's Pinkie Pie?"

You end this like you're ending it on a cliffhanger, but you're not. Just ending a chapter with a question doesn't make it a cliffhanger. The reader isn't wondering where Pinkie Pie is. You barely mention Pinkie Pie to begin with. She doesn't have any speaking parts in the scene. The entire last section of text has been nothing but dialog between RD and Silver talking about Daring Do. The reader has probably forgotten that Pinkie Pie was ever even in this scene. The question is just jarring. It has nothing to do with anything that has happened up to this point and it wasn't on the reader's mind. The chapter doesn't really conclude, the text just sort of randomly stops

see how jarring that was? :^)

>>4327
>significance of Twily's castle
If he omitted it, where would he home invade to install a preposterous jaccuzi? We can't have discontinuity XD

>>4327
Chapter Two: Literally Thousands of Dicks in My Ass, an Autobiography; by Silver Star

We next find ourselves in the office of Mayor Mare, who apparently is mired in a chasm of existential angst because she feels that Twilight Sparkle's ascension to Princesshood has rendered her role as mayor irrelevant. There is some grumbling about the ostentatious crystal castle (of course, can't miss an opportunity to wedge that in somewhere), and a general sense that having Celestia's star pupil and Equestria's newest Princess residing in the town has pushed her aside and made her position ceremonial.

Since the inner workings of Equestrian politics aren't really addressed in the show, there is some room for creative interpretation here, and you have every right to explore this story angle if you would like. I would personally argue, though, that this is an unlikely way for events to play out. Equestria probably functions similarly to feudalism, in which the ruler technically has supreme power but is not involved in the nuts and bolts of local governments. Ponyville probably has some sort of town charter granted by Celestia which requires them to pay taxes or tithes, but grants the town the right to operate more or less as it sees fit. Also, Twilight's is technically a Princess, but her official title is Princess of Friendship. There may be some implication that she is destined to be Celestia's successor at some point, but I don't get the impression the title comes with much political power for now; I think her job is mostly just to teach ponies about friendship and occasionally fight monsters. In Ponyville she would probably be a local celebrity and not much else. Mayor Mare's office would probably still have the same authority it always had. Anyway, that's enough of my autism, let's get back to yours.

This small paragraph in which we get a glimpse into the Mayor's psyche is actually somewhat funny and decently written. It's good for the same reason your opening bit about Coffee Grounds was good. It gives you a small glimpse into the mind of an incidental character, and for a brief couple of paragraphs get a sense of who that pony is and what their lives are like before returning to the main story. In this case, you also poke fun at some of the many logical inconsistencies you can come up with when you take children's cartoons and overanalyze them, which usually results in some funny observations. This is actually a decent way to inject some light humor into your story and I would encourage you to do more of it; but again, just don't go overboard with it.

Unfortunately, like most of the small nuggets of gold scattered throughout the barren rocky wasteland of this text, the nice thing you manage to create for an instant is immediately buried in shit once the narrative returns to its main focus. Pinkie Pie enters the scene, out of breath and hyperactive as usual, to inform the Mayor that "Ehrmygurd, the most super awesome pony I've ever seen just arrived in Ponyville and I'm so excited!!" This seems to answer the burning question posed at the end of the last chapter, in which we are left to ponder the whereabouts of Ms. Pie. Actually, here is exactly what she says:

>I was out playing with Rainbow Dash but this new silver Unicorn showed up and he was flying and he looked super serious and fancy but I bet he's just really sad and lonely and he's never been in town before so I want to throw him a party because he probably doesn't have any friends in Ponyville yet!
This more or less reads like a line she would actually say despite its content, so good job there I guess. Although Pinkie is usually the easiest of the Mane 6 to write dialog for. Pretty much all you have to do is write a long, rambling run-on sentence and end it with an exclamation mark, and the reader will automatically read it in her voice. But I digress.

It seems we are now sadly back on track. Once again, the principle characters from the series are fawning all over your OC and rubbing his dick, and the Nigelverse is once more as it should be. Whew, for a second I thought I was going to have to keep saying nice things about this. In any event, the only thing we learn from this scene is that Pinkie Pie is just as excited as everypony else will eventually be to learn that Silver "my stool has been pushed so far up my ass by rectal penetration that I can't even fit dicks down my esophagus anymore, but damned if I'm not going to try" Star has come to Ponyville. Yippee.

>>4329
For reference, the term "Prince" or "Princess" is an abbreviation of the term "Principle" or sovereign in their area of application/expertise. So yes, Princess Twilight is the Principle of Friendship which is a not insignificant title pertaining to an area of magic and experience that is not unheard of to ponies, but the extent and gravity of which has yet to be determined. Having said - and as evidenced by the Movie - she's essentially powerless and a figurehead in matters *not* pertaining to friendship (including governance).

>>4329

Anyway, just like the last chapter, this one starts on a high note and goes down the shitter quickly. We get even more of your rambling, incoherent narrative style than usual. You know, I really have to say that this scene really is just a complete waste of potential. You go to all that trouble of setting up a scene in the mayor's office, and then we learn that all that is really happening is Pinkie wants to throw Silver a party and doesn't know where he lives. This probably has to do with the fact that he has been in Ponyville all of 30 minutes and hasn't had time to buy a house yet. It makes absolutely no sense. Then, you follow it with this clumsy sequence in which Pinkie tries to follow Silver around but can't sneak up on him, because of his rad ninja skills. The scene concludes with Pinkie deciding to have the party at Applejack's.

This all goes back to what I was saying in my previous post about how you just flat out have no fucking idea how to build a story. This narrative goes absolutely everywhere and nowhere. You just lay out sequences of events without bothering to filter which ones are important and which ones contribute nothing to the overall story. It's just long, rambling autism.

"Silver was sitting in his office in his skyscraper one day, when his assistant came in and told him that he had to go to a meeting. He was all like, I don't want to go, but then his assistant said he had to go. So he put on his rocket skis or whatever and flew all across the town for like fifteen minutes doing barrel rolls and loop de loops, until eventually he went in and had the meeting. He cheated three ponies out of their livelihoods and made himself slightly richer than he was already. Then, he decided he was bored so he went to Ponyville. When he got to Ponyville, he met Rainbow Dash and they talked about books, and also Pinkie Pie was there but she ran off somewhere. Then, the Mayor of Ponyville was sitting in her office contemplating the absurdity of existence when Pinkie Pie suddenly came in. She wanted to know where Silver Star lived but the Mayor didn't know, so she left. Then, she tried to follow Silver Star around town but Silver was too much of a ninja and she couldn't sneak up on him, so she decided to just have a party at Applejack's for him. Then she went back to work because she was on her break this whole time."

That is a literal, accurate synopsis of your story to this point. Literally what the fuck am I reading?!? We are thousands of words into this thing at this point and we don't even have a hint as to what it's ultimately about. I don't think even you know, or rather I think that it never occurred to you to make it about anything. It's just a long string of disconnected scenes and a general chronology of events which you are just going to keep writing until you decide to call it finished. You have no central theme, no structure, and no plot. Here's an assignment for you: read a novel some time. Pay attention to how the author lays it out. Notice how each thing that happens in the story is significant and each individual scene contributes to the telling of a greater story. Notice how characters don't just randomly spout nonsensical dialog that has nothing to do with the story. Notice how the author doesn't randomly dump personal opinions or long autistic descriptions of cool things the main character can do into long paragraphs that distract from the story. Notice how the entire work appears to have been planned to some extent.

That's not to say that there's anything necessarily wrong with just shooting from the hip; some writers methodically outline every scene, some just sort of wing it. Stephen King, from what I understand, just sort of pulls his stories out of his ass as he goes, and he seems to be doing well enough for himself. But I guarantee you he at least thinks about what his story will ultimately be about and what the general sequence of events is going to be before he starts writing.

Also:
>Mayor Mare shrugged, and went back to thinking of titles for the autobiography she'd get time to write some day. The Mayor of... Mayor... Mayor... Mayords? Maids? Mayor Mare 2: Mare Harder? The Autobiography of Unparallelled Mayorosity? No, those were terrible. 'The Mare Wearing the Mayorly Mask' was far better. Then again... Could she top that?

>Mayor... Revealed. Mayor Unmasked. Mayor Mare The Mayor and the Town That Needed A Mayor. Mayor Mare And The Night Of A Thousand Mayors. Mayor, Mayor, Mayor. Mayor, Mayor, I'm a Mayor, said Mayor Mayor I'm a Mayor. Mayor Unleashed. Crimson Mayor. Mayor of Mayors. Mayornnaise. Mayornado.

It's like you're just letting your cat walk around on your keyboard at this point. Although if that's the case maybe you should just let him finish the story for you.

>>4330
My understanding is that the term "Prince/Princess" derives from "Principate", which is what Augustus Caesar called his government to avoid proclaiming himself Emperor like Julius did. The idea is that most or all of the government's power rests in a principal individual. It was somewhat different from a monarch in that the power rested in the title rather than the man, and the role was not inherently hereditary. It would be similar to a President consolidating the powers of Congress and the Judiciary into the role of President and then using those powers to decree that the presidency could be held for life. I suspect words like "principle", "principality", and even "Principal (as in Principal Celestia)" all have their root in the same basic term, so your definition as "principle in their sovereign area of application/expertise" seems pretty spot on.

Threadly reminder Nigel is now spontaneously sperging out about random video game DLC in the other thread because he thought he got a positive response for once.

>>4331
>Mayor x100
Oh yeah, that orange gem parody is sure making sense now. I cant tell you how fucking annoying it is to read that tripe, like when does it end? The joke ended after the first 10 times of slightly different way to say or combine 'Mayor' with another word. Just makes me want to drop it and throttle the author not read further.

>>4334
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=d9KVN4WfHHc
The one true Mayor

Op inspired me to start writing. Here's an excerpt:

The silo's just went up in flames, kabooooooom Katatatatatatataatatatatata. "INCOMING" The sarge exclaimed, then suddenly Nooooooo!. Nooooooo! SARGE!!!!, Jimmy cried as Sergeant Memphis fell to the ground, minus 1 head. "YOU BASTARDS" said Jimmy the red shirt wearing private as he ran towards the fire shooting in a blaze of glorious revenge. The insurgents shells,shot from Patria AMOS PT1s , were impacting left and right, but this did not stop Private Jimmy on his suicide mission to revenge his fallen and headless friend Sergeant Memphis. Whilst shooting 3 enemy combatants in the head he cried, "Fucking eat my lead" and "Game over, you terrorist Muslim scum". Then he reached for 3 hand grenades from his US navy Issue Grenade belt Model number 2332/A1. He pulled the pins and swallowed them in order to shit out the cause for his enemies death later on and with an elegant move he simultaneously ducked and throw the armed grenades towards the scared and cowardly towel-heads.

>>4336
Too low-effort for me. King Battlebrit did a great job of parodying OP, but that was just sort of...a badly choreographed CoD cutscene with bad grammar.

>>4337
You are wrong. This piece has stakes, ideology, conflict and goals, all while expressing character development. It is better than anything written in this thread.

>>4331
>>4111
>>4120
>>4222

No sooner does Pinkie Pie go off to plan her surprise party for Silver "I once shoved an entire bag of marbles up my ass because I wanted to rapid-fire shit them all into the toilet bowl at once to give my neighbor war flashbacks and also because I love putting things up my ass in general" Star, then who should appear in Mayor Mare's office but Silver "seriously one time I shoved an entire Subway™ Footlong Spicy Italian™ up there and that Jared guy stopped by later and fisted me but that was unrelated" Star. Wow, if only he'd made his dramatic entrance just a few minutes (seconds? hours? I really get no sense of time whatsoever from this narrative) earlier then they wouldn't have missed each other. Ha! Ha! Ha! What a zany comedy of errors this is turning out to be.

Anyway, then we get what is quite possibly the most underwhelming and pointless exchange in this entire narrative rife with underwhelming and pointless exchanges:
>“Hi, my name is Silver Star, I'm a businesspony from Canterlot, I'm rich, and I'd like to build a vacation home for myself here, while also setting up a wildly successful enchanted item store, vastly improving the local economy... If that's alright with you, of course.”
>“Okay,” She said. stunned.

Well, I'm glad we got that settled. I know that's how I usually get my building permits. Anyway, since obviously Silver can't be fucked to even stick around and sign his own paperwork, he summons some kind of magical blue bird thing to sign the documents. However, apparently the blue bird thing also can't be fucked to actually sign the documents, so she summons...you know what, I'll just quote it:
>From the growing blue void, a Silver Star emerged like a boyband emerging from the stage's floor, as if he'd been standing on an invisible elevator that slowly and dramatically rose. When he was through, the blue void vanished anticlimactically, the sound stopping instantly, white trails of energy fading away.
>“What just happened?” Mayor Mare asked.
>“I breached the boundaries of time and causality, and pulled into this reality a Silver that never was, but could have been. This is the Silver that will sign your documents, the Silver from the potential reality that chose to do so before leaving,” She explained, lying. She had actually used an overdramatic illusion spell, and then summoned a Silver replica from the building where he stored the ones that didn't fade away, burst, or get absorbed after completing their tasks. However, she could have performed the feat she described, if Silver desired it.

Jesus Fucking Christ Nigel. Where do you even come up with this stuff? See, here's the problem: this isn't funny enough to be considered humor, and it makes too little sense to be taken seriously. Not only do you waste space on the page writing long, intricate descriptions of events that are blatantly unnecessary for the scene you're writing, most of the time the scenes are themselves blatantly unnecessary. Forget all the confusing shit about the magical bird and the clone of Silver from another timeline or whatever the fuck happens; does your story even need this scene in the first place? Where literally all that happens is Silver signs some paperwork and gets a building permit from the Mayor? Why include that in the story? The only information this conveys is that Silver bought some land to build a house and a store on. Are you going to cover the construction of the house as well? How about a scene where Silver buys homeowner's insurance? Ooh, and I absolutely can't wait to read about his exciting trip to the hardware store to buy drywall paste!

You don't need to put mundane details like this into a story. Just because something happens doesn't mean you need to write about it. You could have just written a scene that covers anything important that happens on the day Silver arrives in Ponyville (protip: from what I've read this is basically nothing), then advance time about a week, and rejoin Silver in his new house, or his new shop. You wouldn't need to explain how Silver got his building permits; you can simply mention that time has passed and he has a house and a shop now. The reader can fit the rest of it together himself. And don't waste things like magical familiars and complex illusion spells on crap like this. I know you think it's cute or funny or something but it's just autistic. Trust me, nobody but you is laughing.

Incidentally, doing this would have made the previous scene involving Pinkie Pie less awkward. If I'm following the sequence of events correctly, first Silver makes his grand entrance in Ponyville. The first ponies he meets are Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie. Silver stops and chats with Dash for a bit. Pinkie wanders off at some point during their autistic conversation. This is where it gets confusing.

Apparently she flies directly to the Mayor's office to ask the Mayor where Silver lives. She just saw him arrive probably within the last hour, why would she assume he would even have a place to stay yet? Why would she assume the Mayor would know? Then she tries to follow him around for a bit, the timeline here is unclear because it seems to imply that he's no longer with RD. Then, he goes to the Mayor's office to apparently declare his intent to build a house. Why do that? Even if he's rich enough to just buy property the way anyone else would buy a sandwich, wouldn't it still make more sense for him to look around town to see if there's land for sale, instead of barging into the Mayor's office? Nothing about this scene makes sense. Now, if you just had Silver arrive in Ponyville, then skip a couple of weeks to where he's established, and then have Pinkie throw a welcome party for the new pony in town, that would make sense.

>>4339
This seems like as good a time as any to address your technique of description.

As I and several others have mentioned before, description is one of the few things you actually do well. Your problem is that you have no idea what to focus your powers of description on. Here, I'm going to give you a quick example of misuse of description:

The porcelain sink stood tall and majestic, towering above the black and white checkerboard pattern of the bathroom floor. Designed in 1925 by the Kohler corporation, this magnificent old pedestal sink rose gracefully from the floor in a fluted base, and then spread out gracefully like a tulip, collecting dripping water from its faucets as a real tulip would catch the morning dew. Separate hot and cold water spouts, a common feature of older sinks, reached out over the bowl like twin talons glinting in the light of the Possini lighting fixture mounted above. A total of four Philips head screws held the fixture in place, so that it remained attached to the ceiling, cascading warm and inviting light down onto the white porcelain of the sink below, like a cold winter sun shining wanly upon a field of fresh snow.

Next to the sink lay the dead body of Mrs. James, the house's current owner. Her throat had been cut.

You could probably say that the first paragraph is a good descriptive paragraph. It's phrased elegantly and paints a clear picture in the reader's mind of what it wants them to see. It even sets a mood; the line comparing the porcelain to snow and the light to a cold winter sun gives the reader the impression of a story set in winter. However, since presumably the story is going to be about the murder of Mrs. James, do I really need to spend that much time describing what the bathroom sink looked like? Or, alternatively, if I want to write about sinks, should I have even mentioned the body?

What if I were to be less of a cheeky bastard about this, and give as much description to the dead body as I do to the sink? Let's take a look:

The porcelain sink stood tall and majestic, towering above the black and white checkerboard pattern of the bathroom floor. Designed in 1925 by the Kohler corporation, this magnificent old pedestal sink rose gracefully from the floor in a fluted base, and then spread out gracefully like a tulip, collecting dripping water from its faucets as a real tulip would catch the morning dew. Separate hot and cold water spouts, a common feature of older sinks, reached out over the bowl like twin talons glinting in the light of the Possini lighting fixture mounted above. A total of four Philips head screws held the fixture in place, so that it remained attached to the ceiling, cascading warm and inviting light down onto the white porcelain of the sink below, like a cold winter sun shining wanly upon a field of fresh snow.

Near the base of the sink, a woman's outstretched hand, motionless and pale, pointed its fingers up towards the ceiling. The red paint on her fingernails stood in sharp contrast to the snow white of her icy skin, a cold and frozen wasteland spattered with sudden drops of crimson. Thick, viscous blood of a similar hue pooled on the floor around her, oozing slowly outward from the ragged gash in her neck.

Alright, I'm going to stop there because this example is veering quickly into edgelord territory. But you get the point; she's dead, and it's probably not natural causes. The second paragraph actually conveys less information than the single sentence from the first example, since we do not yet know her name or that she's the owner of the house. However, despite communicating less information, the second paragraph does a much better job of setting tone and drawing the reader into the narrative. However, we've still got some problems. Read the entire example, the bit about the sink as well as the bit about Mrs. James.

Both paragraphs are well written, evoke mood, and paint a vivid picture. However, they are sort of competing with each other for the reader's attention. One is about a body, one is about a sink. Which is more important to the story? Well, we can probably assume that we're not writing about sinks, so if we're going to trim from anything it should be the first paragraph. However, it still has some salvageable elements. The white porcelain, the bathroom light as a cold winter sun, these are good images for a murder scene.

So what do we get rid of? Well, the reader probably doesn't give a shit what year the sink was made, who built it, how many faucets it has, or how many screws are holding the fucking light in place, so all that shit can go. Simply mentioning that it's a pedestal sink is probably enough to give the reader an image, so we don't need to go into detail about how it flutes up gracefully or whatever the fuck. Plus, the analogy of the tulip collecting morning dew conflicts with our winter theme, so let's lose that bit as well. Now, we take what's left and work it into the paragraph about the dead body. In our next episode, we'll take a look at what our scene has become.

>>4340
The pristine pedestal sink rose like a headstone over the frigid expanse of black and white tile. An outstretched hand, equally pale and cold and devoid of life, clawed emptily toward the ceiling. The violent red paint on the fingernails stood in stark contrast to the white expanse of flesh and the tower of porcelain, as did the thick, viscous blood which pooled on tile and ran in warm rivulets down frozen skin. High above, the ceiling fixture cast a harsh light on the scene below, a cold winter sun shining mercilessly down on crimson-spattered snow.

</edge>

Anyway, apart from putting ourselves in the mood to listen to gloomy goth music with the lights out, what did we accomplish here? Well, basically we have learned how to take two vividly descriptive yet conflicting paragraphs and work them into harmony with each other, as well as learning how to selectively include and exclude elements from our narrative. In addition to the fact that we now have only one paragraph where we formerly had two, also note the economy of words. At it's absolute longest point, when we had two highly descriptive paragraphs, our narrative text was 213 words long. The final paragraph we wound up with is only 96. We more than halved the number of words we wrote, yet we doubled it's impact, all while removing much of the explicit description. The lengthy descriptions of the sink obviously are gone, but you'll notice that we also removed mention of the gash in the woman's neck and we never explicitly state that anyone is dead. However, nobody reading this paragraph could possibly mistake it for anything but a description of a murder scene.

What did we keep? Imagery. Anything related to snow, ice, winter, or coldness stayed in. Anything warm or pleasant was dropped. Not only does this convey our implied setting of literal winter, it also helps to reinforce the images of death and instill subconscious unease in the reader. Winter is the death of the year, and the season of winter is harsh and unforgiving. Things die in winter, and the winter sun, even at its brightest, provides little warmth. In Asian cultures, white is the color of death; in Western cultures black is. We have both black and white appearing in the bathroom tile, and there is an implied comparison of the tile floor to the cold, hard earth during winter. The comparison of the pedestal sink to a tombstone has already got the reader thinking of this scene as a grave. See how this shit works?

</edge>

Frankly, your subconscious does a lot of the work, so it's not like you need to spend hours sitting around thinking up color symbolism for all of your themes. I wasn't even thinking about the symbolic meaning of black or white or winter when I pulled this idea out of my ass, this idea pretty much just started as "I'm going to describe a murder scene in a bathroom, but focus on the bathroom fixtures instead of the dead body." I just arbitrarily made the floor tiles black and white because I instinctively felt that it would be a better choice than flower-printed 1970s linoleum. The shit about the bathroom light being a winter sun just randomly popped into my head and I added it because I liked it. Just practice doing shit like this and after a while you'll start doing it without even thinking. You can even generate story ideas this way, just sit down and write the first thing that pops into your head, then try to revise it into something worthwhile.

The important thing is to always go back over what you wrote, again and again. Look at each paragraph with a magnifying glass. Is this the best way to say what I want to say? Do I really need this sentence about water faucets? Is this 32,000 word ideological argument or this weird scene about a magical blue bird signing paperwork really essential to the story? What do I want to communicate with this text, and how can I make every word in it work to communicate it? That's what you should be thinking about. Even this example paragraph I wouldn't call quite done yet. It's better than what we started with, but it could still probably stand to be tweaked a little bit, I just don't personally feel like messing with it any further. Plus, it's starting to put me in kind of a gloomy mood. I might have to go watch some ponies. Anyway.

Read back over the first paragraph, the one about Kohler sinks and whatever. We started with a shitpost, and we wound up with something that could probably serve as a decent opening paragraph to a mystery novel, or at least a mystery novel for edgy goth teenagers. Granted, how to use winter as symbolism for death is probably not something that will come up much in My Little Pony fanfiction, but the same principles apply no matter what you're writing about.

When I tell you to trim your text down, Nigel, this is what I'm talking about. When I tell you to filter your ideas and thoughts, Nigel, this is what I'm talking about. Nigel? NIGEL? Are you listening Nigel?

>>4341
It's very purple...

>>4332
Your understanding is wrong. Princesse is the old French female version of prince.

>>4341
Another thing that the winter metaphors appeals to is the huwite man's innate sense of danger that's inherent to the life of a race of hunters and farmers whose lives are spent fending off predators in the dark forests and snowy landscapes. That is a huge cultural thing for us, influenced by the fact our blue eyes are more sensitive to light and our light skin is most comfortable in cool environments with less direct sunlight.

There's so much meaning that we western people apply to the winter metaphors because it appeals to our aesthetic focus and our history, both cultural and genetic, of being in such stark, quiet yet not safe situations. It has the potential to be beautiful.

>>4341
An apt metaphor for this thread is that you are the literary equivalent of Gordon Ramsey (well, you may not be that good, but bear with me) and Nigel is one of those horrible chefs he yells at. 90% of the time chefs don't care about the opinion of a Michelin-star, world-famous chef and instinctively defend their cooking, refusing to bear criticism.

To put Nigel's writing in culinary terms, the meat is raw, the seasoning is overwhelming and tasteless, the vegetables have been frozen and reheated and are disgusting, and everything is mushy, practically a slurry.