>>4187>>4111>>41204. Burglary isn't Romantic, plus One (1) Thing You Did Well
Alright, back to the rancid meat of your text. Before we get too deep into the argument/fight between Starlight Glimmer and Silver "grab me by my flanks and launch me into orbit, Rocket Man" Star, I just want to say a few words about the short interlude between the date scene and the party.
There is a short, somewhat confusing, segment broken by dividers in which Silver "fist me Daddy" Star and his Silver "there's ten of us now so let's make an equine centipede" Spares apparently show up at Twilight's crystal castle, summon Spike out of the house and take him off somewhere, presumably for some kind of butt stuff, and then proceed to ransack the castle for unknown reasons. This section, and its subsequent follow-up at the end of the story, are a prime example of you having, on some level, some innate instinct for how to build a scene and pique reader curiosity, but your autism keeps getting in the way of your understanding what's a good idea and what isn't.
Basically, as I mentioned, the setup here is that the clones all show up and ransack Twilight's house for reasons that are not explained, leaving the reader to wonder why. You then ask them to set that curiosity aside for, sweet Pony Jesus, 24,535 words, before you get back to it.
Okay, hold on, stop the presses for a moment. I'll get back to this in a second, but holy shitcock. I have been operating thus far on the assumption that the length of your entire text is, give or take, 20k words long. This is based on >>4046
where your screencap shows a total document length of 19,129 words; I hadn't bothered to do a word count of my own. In the OP post you claim a length of over 100k words, but you seem to have confused word count with character count so I ignored that boast. However, I need to look deeper into this, hold the fuck on for a second.
The complete word count of this story is 32,223. Let's all take a moment and let that sink in.
32,223 words, 24,535 of which consist of a single scene. The argument scene between Glimglam and Silver "yummy cummy in my tummy" Star accounts for about 76% of this incredibly bloated text. For a point of reference, The Great Gatsby
by F. Scott Fitzgerald clocks in at 48,413 words. Do the math. Your autistic pony story, which can be summarized in its entirety as "MC goes on date, talks about himself, robs girlfriend's house, shim shams the Glim Glam spoiler alert: you can't shim sham the Glim Glam
, the end", is approximately 67% the length of one of the most highly regarded novels ever written in the English language. 24,535 words into TGG takes us to roughly the part where Gatsby is showing Daisy his house. In the length of time it takes you to lay out one scene, F. Scott Fitzgerald lays out his exposition, introduces all major characters along with their conflicts and backstories, and is chugging along at a fair clip through the rising action portion of his narrative. That is literally insane.
Anyway, back to what I was on about. After the bloated fight scene, if anyone is still reading and still remembers what happened earlier (protip: this is literally no one), you then provide the payoff for the earlier scene in which poor Twilight, as if her cad boyfriend didn't treat her badly enough to begin with, gets her house robbed by Mr. Smith style copies of him.
The cliffhanger payoff, for anyone who cares (protip: this is literally no one), is that it turns out Silver "if this van's a rockin it's what I'm suckin cock in" Star wasn't robbing the place, he was actually remodeling her house and installing a hot tub. I'm sure that in the dark, twisted maze of your creepy little autistic brain, this probably seems like some kind of sweet romantic gesture. Well, I'm going to give you a piece of advice that may one day save your life, in the event that (God save us all) you ever end up with an actual, human girlfriend: it isn't
. Breaking into a woman's house in order to install major features that will affect home value, mess with plumbing and rearrange her furniture isn't romantic or sweet. It's insane. She will call the police.
In any case, I don't doubt that Silver's motivations here, like the rest of his (and your) motivations in this story, are completely self-serving. If I had to predict where you were planning to go next with this, I'd say you were going to have poor little Twiggles become even more smitten with her dashing faggot of a boyfriend, and no doubt reward him for his kind, sweet behavior with a romantic hot tub scene. Weren't you, you perv? This scene would no doubt also last the length of another great American novel, and would probably also be filled with lengthy novellas about Silver's time travel abilities dumped into quotes.
Oh yeah, there was one other thing. In the interlude space between the date and The Shit, in a rare moment of actual thoughtfulness, Silver "just stick it in, the cum from the last guy is lube enough" Star asks Pinkie Pie to throw Twilight a party, and she uses her typical cartoon logic to accomplish this. Silver is then left trying to analyze how she did it. This is actually pretty clever. Trying to analyze cartoon physics from the perspective of actual physics is always fun and can make for some good gags. This is good, I would keep this. Just don't get carried away.