/go/ - Golden Oaks

>>4345
The lamb. Is focking. RAWWWWW!

>>4341
>>4111
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So, next up we've got a short conversation in which you use dialog between RD and Silver "shove a spatula up my ass and flip my hotcakes" Star to apparently insert some snide commentary on the state of modern video games into the story. The dialog itself is decently written for what it is; it seems like your dialog is generally at its least awful when you're having your characters talk about autism hobbies you enjoy, rather than complain about aspects of the show you don't like. In any event this scene is at about an appropriate length for what it is, it's decently written and I have no major complaints about it.

Next, Pinkie Pie shows up out of the blue with her welcome wagon, which is described in pretty exhaustive detail. Again, description is something you do reasonably well so no huge complaints there either. I would personally cut out the bit before this scene starts though, the little five-line interlude where Ponk is going through the process of getting the welcome wagon out and leaving Sugar Cube Corner with it. It goes back to what I was saying earlier about learning how to leave stuff out that isn't really necessary.

For instance, imagine you're writing a story where Mr. Jones and Mrs. Jones are out walking around the neighborhood, when Mr. Smith pulls up in his car and starts talking to them. Even if the text does not explicitly describe Mr. Smith getting his keys, starting his engine and backing his car out of the garage, the reader will probably just assume that he did these things based on the fact that he's driving his car. Again, just because something happens as part of a logical sequence of events, you don't necessarily need to include it in the text of the story. Events that the reader could reasonably infer took place, whose description doesn't contribute anything to the overarching narrative, can generally be left out.

Anyway, Ponk does her little "Welcome to Ponyville" routine, and naturally you take the time to mention that Silver "just flip me over and pretend I'm a mare if you don't want it to be gay" Star can immediately visualize the mechanical workings of Pinkie's welcome wagon as she's performing with it, because if you don't remind the reader of how awesome Silver is every 100 words or so they might start to forget. And just in case the point wasn't driven home, Pinkie fires off a burst of harmless confetti as her grand finale, which Silver interprets as an attack, so he casually launches some kind of magical shockwave, realizes his mistake, and casually calls it back. Have I mentioned that I hate this character yet?

So, with what I can only assume would have been a nuclear holocaust vaporizing the entire town of Ponyville and every last adorable little poner living in it very narrowly avoided, Ponk invites Silver to AJ's barn at 6pm and disappears. Naturally, now that the information that a party is happening later has been conveyed to the reader, you have no further need for Ponk and make her disappear abruptly from the story for now. Rather than say something about, oh I don't know, something that might restore my faith that this entire shoddy universe wasn't constructed for the sole purpose of stroking your OC's dick, Rainbow Dash instead immediately takes this moment to ask Silver about his fucking horseshoes. Yep, that's right, not even an "Oh Pinkie, you so crazy!" or a "That's our Pinkie Pie!" from Dash, we just move straight on into an ornate explanation of how Silver's magical horseshoes allow him to slow down time and control the fucking weather. Have I mentioned that I hate this character yet?

Okay, it looks like you do take a moment for Silver to ask RD about Ponk. However, for reference, you spend 289 words explaining the mechanics of horseshoes imbued with the powers of quantum space travel to an audience that didn't ask. 47 words is all you can spare on having Rainbow introduce one of her closest friends to your protagonist, a friend who, might I add, just went to the trouble of organizing an impromptu welcoming party for him.

>“So, who was that?”
>“That's Pinkie Pie, she's one of my best friends. She runs Sugarcube Corner, they sell cakes and stuff.”
>“Is there any particular reason why she said to visit a barn, of all places?”
>“Guess it was the only place open tonight.” She shrugged.

That's it, that's all the interest Silver shows in the pony he just met who is throwing him a party just because. Rainbow isn't much better of course, but since she's pretty much just a Rainbow Dash sockpuppet whose only role in the story is to tell Silver he's awesome, we can probably forgive her for that.

Anyways, literally the next line is this ridiculous shit:

>“Huh. Well, if you want to see how great I am at building homes fast, you can watch me build my new home.”
>That didn't exactly sound like fun, but... “How fast?” Rainbow wondered.
>“If it takes me longer than two minutes, I'll buy you a cupcake.” Silver gloated.
>“You're on!”

Holy shit, I was just kidding about turning the literal construction of the house into an actual scene. Please tell me he's not going to the hardware store after this.

Jesus Christ, no wonder this travesty is so damn long. You literally put anything into the story that you think would be cool to have in.

if post ends in significant digits Starlight Glimmer is officially a member of /mlpol/'s roster of adopted characters

>>4345
>well, you may not be that good, but bear with me
I don't presume to be an expert writer by any stretch of the imagination, I'm not quite as arrogant about my abilities as I might be coming across in this thread. But I feel like I'm at least a competent amateur.

>>4348
>spoiler
I dunno, are slot trips significant enough for you?

>>4348
>holy trips

It's official: Nigel's sperginess just led to the Glimmer Era. ;y

>>4349
You are intentionally making all of the participants show their complete, utter stupidity, save for the irreconcilable fact that glimshit is the single most pathetic mary sue OC design in the first place. Please, continue feeding Nigel as he's feeding you as you're feeding him as he's feeding you.

>>4352
(You) are cancer.

>>4353
Love you too anon.

>>4352
Trips reconfirm, Glimmy is best pony.

>>4356
Oh shit, I didn't even notice that I replied to trips with my own trips. Mods, can we make this a thing now? xdd

I kinda forgot there was a second thread. What's going on in this thread?

>>4358
Just double-trips confirming best pony. Nothin' much.

>>4358
Worshipping the newly christened Glimmer, Goddess of Glutes.

>>4358
Get comfy and read, you're getting just what you asked for

>>4358
Welcome back, Nigel, feel free to read the thread if you'd like to get up to speed.

Continuing.

>>4348
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>Silver landed in the center of the land his document-signing clone had bought for him with grace and style, a pretty nice place with a pleasant yellow thatched-roof cottage surrounded by verdant grass, a few big trees, and the odd patch of pink flowers.
Sounds like a nice place. I'll be curious to see how Silver "shove a Louisville Slugger™ up my ass, zombie corpse of Lou Gehrig, it's always been my fantasy wait was that disease contagious? oh well I already have like ten strains of AIDS" Star plans to ruin it.

>It was a peaceful, idyllic scene, and Silver glanced back at the camera to smirk as he raised a hoof, spawning into existence a pocketwatch.
Oh god what now

>His horn lit up with a blazing blue aura
>His horn lit up with a brilliant blue light
You don't need to say this twice. His horn was fucking blue, we get it.

Anyway, I'll spare everyone the play-by-play of this autism. Basically, Silver summons a bunch of clones and birds and God only knows what the fuck else, and of course uses his heavenly cosmic power to tear up the quaint little country cottage he just purchased and construct some kind of all-metal monstrosity shaped like his own head. At this point he decides that it's not big enough and tries to enlarge it somehow, screws it up, tears it down, starts over, and finally ends up with some kind of ugly metal cube structure. Actually, here's the literal description you give:
>a two-storey cube-shaped house with metallic-blue metal walls and orange windows.

I'll remind everyone that this building was constructed by the same pony who just a few short pages ago was complaining about Twilight's crystal castle being an eyesore. As with everything else Silver does in this story, the entire monumental project is accomplished without his needing to expend any actual effort, and the only reason it's included in the narrative is to show off the fact that he can do it. Because in case you haven't realized it yet, SILVER HAS ALL THE POWERS AND IS THE GREATEST PONY IN THE HISTORY OF PONIES. Oh, he also sings a fucking song while he does all this.

>Aquilla finally caught up with him and landed beside him like a pet owl, admiring the building, then she snapped her claws and warped large metal shipping containers in through gold portals. Fox ponies began opening the containers and telekinetically taking out swords, shields, hammers, helmets, axes, whips, steamrollers the size of swords, swords the size of steamrollers, and a kitchen sink.
This paragraph and the next one are in italics for some reason, and I can't for the life of me figure out why.

>He glanced back at his building and noticed that he'd somehow shaped this building into a massive sculpture of his own head, the house inside it, and he frowned.
Wait, what? I thought we already...the head thing was torn down...wait, what?

>His horn lit up, designating a point at the center of the building and turning it into a blue magical cube that grew larger every second, quickly engulfing a quarter of the building...
Wait a minute. This is the same exact paragraph that appears earlier. Verbatim. And it's italicized. Is this a mistake or is this intentional? Do you even read the shit you write before you post it? Wait a minute, it's not even quoted verbatim...

Jesus H. Christ. I reread this section 4 times and I still don't understand what the fuck is going on. There are slight differences between the italicized paragraph and the non-italicized that appears earlier, so you rewrote what you wrote instead of just copypasting it. That means you deliberately wrote the same paragraph twice. WHY??? I don't understand what you're trying to do here. I'm not even trying to make fun of you anymore, I'm just trying to UNDERSTAND.

>The fox ponies arranged themselves into groups of four, their horns lighting up. The eyes of birds flashed as they converged upon summoned palanquins, falling into the multicolored magical grips of the fox ponies, Silver leaping towards the chair in the center and posing.
>Make a home, make a home
>WE'RE SKIPPING THIS PART, IT BORES ME TO THE BONE.
Now imagine how the rest of us feel.

>His sudden outburst surprised the birds and foxes, but they rolled with it, musicians speeding their movements up with magic to rush bars out at 340 BPM before returning to their previous pace as Silver's magic bodily picked up one female red fox-pony, dipped her tail in a summoned can of white paint, and used her to paint his building's walls grey.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS I DON'T EVEN

>When it was over, he blew a gust of air up at his red-hot horn with a smirk, and sat on his haunches, admiring his work
Daily reminder that the only demonstrable real-world trait you've given this pony is an intense desire to avoid having to do any actual work, and that includes improvement to his own moral character.

>I built this home, I built this home
>Yes, I did
Literally no, you didn't.

>With my friends, I built this home
>Yes, I did!
Slaves, actually, not friends. And they built it, not you. But you're getting warmer.

Before I conclude, I would just like to say that I have a friend who offered to help me with this analysis. In order to get up to speed on the text, he tried to run it through some Chrome app he has that condenses text and speedreads it to you somehow. Doing that with this story literally broke his brain; he's traumatized now. He may never be the same again.

The last thing I received from him was this webcam footage:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E51-2B8gHtk

>>4362
I read chapter 6 in 30 minutes. My mind is mush. Sleeping did not help, nor caffeine or sugar. Im almost catatonic. I thought my program was broken when it kept repeating the same sentences 5+ times in a row. Brb catatonic.

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>“Hold on, Spike. Silver Unicorn, pointy orange mane with an orange flame at the front, with a yellow star on it, blue eyes, a constellation of orange and yellow stars for a Cutie Mark?” Twilight asked hopefully.
Oh God. Oh Christ. This is where it begins. This is the genesis point of the worst ship that has ever been attempted in almost a decade's worth of the terrible ships this fandom has come up with. If ships were literal ships, the Twilight/Silver ship would be the unholy love child of the Titanic and the Lusitania. May our just and merciful God grant us swift speeds and iceberg-infested waters.

Sooooo....

Unsurprisingly, when Spike informs Twilight that a fancy new unicorn has just flown into town on a fucking comet, and built a house in under two minutes using clones of himself, she is beyond giddy to learn that this fudge-packing faggot of a unicorn is none other than the world-famous Silver "toss a quarter down my cavernous asshole and make a wish, you will literally never hear it hit the bottom" Star. Spike is elated to learn that there is finally someone in Ponyville who is a bigger faggot than he is, but even he was unprepared to learn of the depths of sodomous debauchery to which this cum-guzzling semen sponge of a unicorn has plumbed in his life.

Apparently, he has written a grand total of 200 books, in between splitting the atom and fighting cattle rustlers and running a massive corporation and drumming for Def Leppard. However I'm guessing if he writes anything like you, like 90% of what he writes is pure autism that has no connection to anything. Anyway, naturally, Twilight has read all of his books and her horsegina is already quivering at the thought of being able to live in the same town as his mighty meatsnack.

Nigel, I'm beginning to think I might owe you an apology. I've both implied and explicitly stated multiple times that you have no talent as a writer. However, it appears I may have been mistaken. For over the course of the next several paragraphs, you create a back and forth between Spike and Twilight, in which they continuously one-up each other over who knows the most trivia about the myriad exploits of Silver "just shove entire ears of corn up my ass, everypony else does" Star. The fact that you are able to make canon series characters lick every single square micron of your OC's balls and cock while he's not even in the room is, frankly, it's own particular type of talent.

Just so we are all on the same page here, I am going to list the accomplishments attributed to Silver, according to Spike and Twilight:
>author of 200 books
>inventor of a new type of evolutionary transformative spell, whatever the hell that means
>Seven-time Grandmaster of the royal Duelling Circuit
>owner and founder of his own magical duelling circuit
>shaved the Royal Duelling Circuit's owner's head with his own spellblade at Glitterfest 2010 (literally wat?)
>single-hoofedly revolutionized the field of summoning magic (with his dick)
>created over a thousand spells (with his dick)
>made his own chain of enchanted item stores
>inventor of some type of magical buttsex arena, called temporal echoes or some shit who even cares
>apparently owns patents to numerous to number
>has apparently also written history books too numerous number on top of his original finitely-numbered 200 books
>plays in a heavy metal band (holy shit I was joking about the Def Leppard thing)
>set up magic schools in Canterlot
>has campaigned for various political reforms (most probably having to do with sodomy laws)
>brought criminals to justice (except himself of course)
>creates interactive comics
>passed the "impossible test" at the Blah blah academy of something something who gives a shit
Ordinarily I'd make some kind of snarky remark about you blatantly ripping off Captain Kirk's backstory, but frankly it's nice to see you ripping off something that isn't Naruto or Pokeshit for once. It shows growth, sort of. Oh, wait, you specifically make a point of mentioning that he didn't cheat the way Kirk did. I stand corrected, this is clearly a completely original work.

Anyway, this next paragraph should really be quoted verbatim:
>nopony knows how he did it! He didn't have his magical system jump-started by the shock from a sonic rainboom, he didn't tap into some incredible potential power he was born with, he only had his wits and his determination to win, and he outsmarted a test nopony in over a thousand years has ever been able to pass!

Yep, you all read that correctly. Silver "I make plaster casts of my dick and sell them as wands to Harry Potter fans" Star's backstory has officially been recognized as cooler than Twilight Sparkle's, by none other than Twilight Sparkle herself. Anyway, naturally Twilight is beside herself with giddiness, so much so that she puts on her absolute fanciest of fancy fancy dresses to go and completely prostrate herself before Silver's almighty munchkin dong.

Jesus fuck. If I ever have a kid, I am going to lock him in his room and make him read portions of this when he misbehaves. No, scratch that, if I did that I would probably be arrested for child abuse.

Poor Twilight does not deserve this.

Not as bad(?) as in the other thread ( >>166259 ), here's a complete list of Nigel's posts ITT
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>>4358
There's less of them cuz he abandoned thread once his precious fic started getting dissected, then came back in the last post on the list to posture like he'd forgotten he was getting BTFO

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>>4222

>For Silver Star, seeing Applejack again after all these years was like getting a magically-accelerated steel rod launched at terminal velocity right into his soul
So, apparently Silver knows Applejack from someplace. I'm assuming since you specifically refer to him as Silver Star Apple in the title, the implication is that Silver gives himself Nestle Quik™ enemas and hangs around by the docks asking sailors if they would like to churn some chocolate butter. I also assume you are implying that Silver is somehow related to the Apple family. Even though most members of the Apple family have names and/or cutie marks that revolve around apples, and absolutely nothing about your character even remotely suggests apples to anyone. Or maybe that's going to be some crazy big reveal at some point, maybe it will turn out that his cutie mark was apples the whole time or something, who knows. I'm ashamed to admit I'm legitimately curious to find out.

Anyway, with about your usual level of narrative prowess, Silver just randomly shows up at Applejack's barn, Applejack politely greets him and leads him to the barn, and that's a scene. Have I ever mentioned that you have absolutely no idea how to tell a story? Because you have absolutely no idea how to tell a story. This scene is pretty much classic clumsily-written Nigel prose, where a character just shows up at a location, another character is there, and the text proceeds to just tell us what happens with absolutely no dialog and nothing even remotely interesting happening for several paragraphs.

I guess he's here because of the party that is being thrown on his behalf, which at least makes sense, but as usual your characters never emote or say or do anything particularly interesting. We are informed that Silver is overcome with some level of emotion at seeing AJ after all this time, which he has to contain because he doesn't want her to know it's him for whatever the fuck reason, I'm assuming this will be explained eventually. But AJ herself just behaves like an empty emotionless robot reading lines or performing actions, much like Twilight in most of the scenes she's been in, and Pinkie in the scenes she's been in. Your characters are hardly ever believable; you have them walk around and do stuff, or give them lines to say, and occasionally they sound or act like their counterparts in the show, but it's never convincing; your characters just don't speak or act the way real people(ponies) would. I can only think of two instances in this story so far where you've written dialog where the characters behave like living beings: the scene with RD where she's talking to Silver about Daring Do books, and the previous scene where Twilight and Spike are arguing over who can deepthroat Silver's cock the longest.

In both instances it's possible to read the dialog being spoken and imagine the character it's associated with actually saying it, mostly because it's one of the rare occasions where you have these characters talking about something they're interested in or excited about, rather than just delivering lines that convey information. This is probably because in both of these scenes you have them talking about things that you yourself are interested in; spergy fanboy autism in the case of the RD/Silver conversation, and your old goto topic, "how awesome is Silver Star?", in the case of Spike/Twilight.

Stop trying to write interdimensional space epics and just spend some time learning how to write convincing stories where two or more characters interact with each other. Look at the show itself. Except for the season openers and closers where most of the big villains appear, the vast majority of episodes are constructed around simple premises you could explain in single sentence. Applejack and Rainbow Dash have a race. Twilight has five friends and only two gala tickets. Fluttershy wants to sing but has stage fright. The stories are simple, but the events that happen in the stories are not what the episodes are about. As I've said before, this is primarily a show about these individual characters and how they interact with each other. Part of the reason the show has gone downhill imo is that the writers have forgotten that to a large extent and just keep adding dumb gimmicks.

Once you've got that figured out you can write all the crazy space epics you want, maybe even one that someone besides you might actually want to read. Anyway, moving on. Silver shows up, an emotionless paper doll that looks like Applejack leads him to the barn, and then suddenly:

>"SURPRISE!!!" Six ponies and one Dragon and a bunch of other less-important ponies suddenly called out.
Oh, that's a nice way to phrase it. "The six ponies I barely give a shit about, their dragon sidekick and a bunch of background characters threw my faggot OC a party. Cool."

Why are you even writing in this universe, anyway? Serious question btw. It seems like you'd rather be writing in the universe of Naruto or Pokemon or Sonic the Hedgehog. Your pony universe is basically just shit you've ripped off from Naruto and Pokemon and Sonic the hedgehog blended into a smoothie of autism with a thin skin of Pony on top. Seriously, why ponies? Why these characters? You don't seem to honestly give a shit about any of them at all, you just want to write shonen manga stories about cool guys with cool powers getting into cool battle scenes. It honestly makes about as much sense as a ten year old girl who wants to write stories about everyday friendship problems setting her story in the Dragonball Z universe.

>>4366
10/10 tbh fam

>>4367
I don't think Nigel has any more idea of how to write Applejack than the vast majority of the fanbase or even the show staff do, hence why she's an emotionless robot. I mean, he can't write any of them properly, but my best guess is that he's gonna give Applejack an entirely new personality when she realises who Silver "I need to shove as many things in my anus as possible to see how wide it can stretch for science" Star is that no one has ever seen before except him, even her closest family members to cover up his inability to write rural characters.

>>4368
btfo op wrote it

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I'd like to take a moment and go over this paragraph:
>In front of the party table, there was a pink pony, looking absolutely overjoyed. To her left, there was What's-Her-Name, the shy yellow Pegasus who was a model for a while(Not that he paid much attention to fashion... and now, he wished he'd at least bothered to try and remember her name) and a white Unicorn he recognized as Rarity(He certainly paid attention to the business world, and he'd heard of the self-taught fashionista from Ponyville who had managed to get several influential ponies on her side, making a name for herself despite her humble beginnings. He liked her, she was cool.). On Pinkie's right, there was Twilight Sparkle, Alicorn Princess and Element of Magic and general all-around chosen one, who had a pleasant smile on her face, and next to her, there was a small baby dragon, the one who saved the Crystal Empire that one time... Spike? Behind them, there was a bunch of unimportant ponies in the background, including one exceedingly unimportant reddish mare with a redder Pinkie-ish mane and tail.

This is basically Silver "I pay truck drivers to slurp rancid tuna salad out of my asshole" Star's "introduction" to the mane 6. I say "introduction" because (yawn, of course) he knows all of them already. Or, rather, he knows "of" them. It technically makes sense that he would be familiar with them, since it's established that he's diligent about research and most of the stories involving the Elements of Harmony would probably be big news in Equestria. The issue here though is that it's just dull to read. We already know these characters, Silver already knows these characters, so what's the point of going over each one? It's just one more giant, flashing neon sign pointing to the fact that you chose a bad story premise and a bad character to put in it. Even though this is just another woefully generic "anon's self-insert OC goes on a super cool adventure with the main cast, who are all really impressed by how cool he is" amateur <insert series name here> fanfiction, you make it even more tedious to read by establishing that your OC already knows everything about the world he's in and the characters he's going to meet. It's the same old problem again: your OC is too perfect, too powerful, too omniscient. There's no opportunity for growth here so why am I reading?

>In front of the party table, there was a pink pony, looking absolutely overjoyed.
Silver should already know Pinkie Pie's name.

>To her left, there was What's-Her-Name, the shy yellow Pegasus
Fluttershy can't do anything that would impress Silver so naturally he doesn't give a shit about her. You make it doubly insulting by establishing that Silver is aware of her existence, but seems to regard her as an unimportant member of the group because she doesn't have any rad powers.

>a white Unicorn he recognized as Rarity(He certainly paid attention to the business world, and he'd heard of the self-taught fashionista from Ponyville who had managed to get several influential ponies on her side, making a name for herself despite her humble beginnings.
"I don't just like myself, I also like ponies who remind me of myself." Have I mentioned that I hate your OC?

>He liked her, she was cool.
"Silver "the zebra cock inhaler" Star thinks I'm cool? Wow! Life's mission: accomplished!"
-- nopony

>Twilight Sparkle, Alicorn Princess and Element of Magic and general all-around chosen one
Not surprising he'd recognize Twilight I guess, somewhat dismissive description of her though.

>and next to her, there was a small baby dragon, the one who saved the Crystal Empire that one time... Spike?
Your character is familiar with significant plot developments in the series, we get it. Let's move on.

>Behind them, there was a bunch of unimportant ponies in the background
Again, I'd just like to say that this sort of dismissive description gets on my nerves. Whoever these ponies are, they took the time to come to a party being thrown for this testicle-juggler, I feel like that should at least entitle them to a brief description. If you don't want to go over them in detail you could at least say something like "There were some other ponies he didn't recognize" or "some ponies he didn't know". Bluntly calling them "unimportant" is just rude.

>including one exceedingly unimportant reddish mare with a redder Pinkie-ish mane and tail
I have no idea what pony you're trying to reference here. Deliberately singling her out to be insulted seems to imply that it's somepony Silver has a grudge against, but is it Silver's grudge or yours? I suspect the latter, and if that's the case you're just pointlessly breaking the fourth wall again. I get the impression this is another one of your jabs at some autistic detail of the show you don't care for, but you might want to consider spelling it out a little better for those of us less in the know, or better yet, just leaving it out entirely since probably no one cares. If she's not important, why put her in the scene to begin with?

>He blinked, and Pinkie suddenly popped up from below his field of vision and interrupted his thoughts. "Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie, and I threw this party just for you! Isn't this exciting? Are you excited? Cause I'm excited. I've never been so excited! Well, except for the time when I went-"
Aaaaand, in case this fanfic wasn't quite generic enough for the discerning connoisseurs who want the really generic stuff, here's the obligatory "Pinkie Pie being overly hyper and random because that's just what she does" part. For someone who complains this much about the show, you sure seem to make a lot of the same mistakes that its writers are frequently blamed for.

Anyway, after all this, Silver teleports himself outside because he needs to fart. Yes, that is what actually happens. This seems like a continuity error to me, since it's been clearly established that Silver's farts no longer make noise.

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Moving along. After meeting all the show's main characters, Silver randomly teleports himself outside to fart (yes, once again, this is actually what happens in the story and not me shitposting). In what is probably the most cringe-inducing scene in the story so far (an impressive feat in itself), Twilight follows him outside to see what the matter is. He explains to her that he had to fart, then specifically explains that he is standing upwind of her and that's why she can't smell anything. She didn't ask him why she couldn't smell anything. He just volunteers this information for no reason.

From there, he launches into a standard "Aw, shucks, this isn't how I expected our first encounter to be" speech where he conveniently plants the thought in her mind that he had given advance thought to what meeting her would be like.

>Silver was torn. Did he go for the funny option, and say he didn't expect her to interrogate him over his flatulence, put her on the spot for how weird this was, then get her to want to change the subject as much as he did?
I'm almost afraid to ask, Nigel, but was there a reason you even thought it would be a good idea to include a fart scene in the first place?

>Or did he try to change the subject himself, and reveal some sort of pre-held belief (He couldn't currently remember the official word for that, but he was sure such a word existed)
"previously-held belief" would have worked just fine here, without the autistic explanation in parentheses.

Then we have this:
>“I was sure we'd talk about magic, scientific discoveries, art, culture, what we're working on, current events, the world as a whole, and so much more.” He said with a slight shade of hopefulness to his voice. “The things we'd achieved in our time, and the things we wanted to achieve. What we wanted for ourselves, and what we wanted for Equestria.”
>“I'd like that,” Twilight said.

Translation:
Silver: "I was really hoping we could sit around and talk about how awesome we both are, especially me."
Twilight: System.Audio.Play("TS_standard_response_009893.wav");

And then:
>“Let's go back to the party.” Silver said, his horn lighting up with a bright blue light. Showing off, he reared up and flexed his chest muscles before slamming a hoof into the ground, an orange shockwave rippling along the ground to solidify around them.
>Before either of their eyes noticed, they were back in the barn.

Well, that clears that up. I was wondering why this scene was even in here. Turns out, you needed to get both Silver and Twilight outside the barn so you could show off the fact that Silver is capable of using some kind of fancy new magic trick to transport them both back into the barn. Still, though. "I teleported outside because I had to fart?" That's really the best you could come up with?

So, after making a stupid excuse for why he just randomly disappeared out of the barn for no reason, Silver chuckles like a faggot and the already awkwardly constructed party sequence can finally resume. Or...can it?

>Meanwhile, Aquilla remained at his home, completely forgotten by Silver as she ordered fox-ponies and birds around, having them put everything in his house away properly.
There is literally no reason for this sentence to even be in here. Nobody gives a shit where Aquilla is right now. If she's not here, the assumption is that she is probably somewhere else. If you have something important to say about what Aquilla is doing, then as soon as you reach a sensible place to cut away from the party (end of the fart scene would have probably been fine) just <insert horizontal line break> and switch over to Aquilla. If all you want to say is that Aquilla is off somewhere doing something else that isn't important to anything currently going on, don't.

>In the Barn, Silver decided to talk to Pinkie. “You know, there's something I wanted to say to you earlier today, but you rushed off before I could get the chance.” He admitted.
>"What's that?" Pinkie wondered happily, tilting her head to the side. The idea that this might be something unpleasant didn't even seem to occur to her. After all, how could anypony not like her? She was loveable.
>"You. Are. ADORABLE!" Silver declared happily, a big dumb grin spreading across his face, to the surprise of many ponies, Twilight and Rarity included. "Look at you, you're like a big pink puppy!"

Jesus Christ Nigel, this is seriously the most awkwardly written narrative I've ever read. I mean, do you even read the shit you type after you type it, or is this just some kind of rambling stream of consciousness where you just type your thoughts and publish them?

I mean, here is basically the readers digest version of your barn scene up to this point:

"Silver 'if writing novels were anything like butt sex I would be mark fucking twain' Star goes to the barn. Applejack is there. She says hello and Silver says hello. He goes into the barn. Everypony yells 'surprise'. All the ponies are there, let me describe them *describes ponies*. Some of the ponies are not important and I will say who is not important so you know. Then Silver teleports outside to fart. Then Twilight Sparkle teleports outside to see why Silver teleported outside. He says it was because he had to fart. Twilight says "oh." Then they decide to teleport back inside. Pinkie Pie is there. Silver decides to talk to Pinkie Pie. He goes up to Pinkie Pie and tells her she is cute liek pupper."

There is honestly just so much autism here I'm not even sure where to begin. It's going to have to wait until next post.

>>4373
>pre-held belief
I'm assuming either Prejudice or Preconception is the word Nigel was looking for.
>Aquilla
Meanwhile, Bob the Janitor was defrosting his freezer. Weird Al anyone? anyone?

>>4372
You change flags more often than some people take showers.

>>4376
You're crazy.

>>4377
don't ignore the fact you gave a nigel story a 10/10
nazi btfo
nazis go home?

>>4373
>>4111
>>4120
>>4222

So, when we last left off, Silver was petting Pinkie like a puppy. This scene was probably intended to be cute or funny, but the autism here is just off the charts. Let's examine some key passages.

>He stroked her mane like she was a cute little dog, and she giggled, because it tickled. His hoof travelled toward the back of her ear, and she began tapping her right hindhoof against the floor like a dog.
Ok, I'll admit this is a cute mental image. However, in the context of the scene it just makes no sense for Silver to do this all of a sudden, and the weird way your narrative jumps around here just plain makes it weird. Basically, here is the progression of events:

Silver teleports outside to fart. Twilight follows him outside. He explains to Twilight that he had to fart. This alone is jarring enough for reasons I shouldn't have to explain. Then, we have this:
>“Silver Shoes, just three-ninety-nine bits!” Silver boasted, tapping the ground and launching a piece of popcorn ten feet into the air, where his magical glow caught it and pulled it into his open mouth. “Sorry about disappearing like that, everypony, I thought there was something I'd forgotten. But there wasn't.”

Presumably, the purpose of the fart scene was to give Silver an opportunity to use his silver shoes and show off to Twilight, which...you know what, forget it. I've spent enough mental energy on the fucking fart scene and its subsequent explanation. I'm just going to say that it's ill advised, awkward, not particularly funny if it's supposed to be, even weirder if it's not, and you should give serious thought to cutting it out of the story.

Next, we have that completely random mention of Aquilla back at home doing the dishes or whatever that I mentioned in the last post was unnecessary. After that, Silver just randomly approaches Pinkie Pie and asks if he can pet her. See what I'm saying? This is just a sequence of events that just happen without being connected in a way that makes sense. I just find it difficult to imagine these or any characters behaving the way you have them behave, and that includes Silver himself. Even in the case of Pinkie wagging her tail like a puppy or whatever the fuck, it's cute but it's just weird. Silver's barely even spoken to this pony and he just randomly approaches her and asks to pet her? Does that sound like something someone would normally do at a party? This is not normal behavior. I get that this is kind of meant to be the point, but what is clearly meant to be humor just comes across as cringey and awkward, and like I said the sequence of events just doesn't make much sense. You've made it abundantly clear you don't care for my advice in general and that's your prerogative, but you should still seriously consider a thorough rewrite of this scene. At least cut the damn fart scene.

Anyway, RD seems to agree with me that Silver is behaving like a creepy weirdo and asks him to stop petting her friend. So, Silver does this:
>Silver's horn lit up and he formed a portal beneath him, casually falling through it and out of a forming vertical portal that put Pinkie between himself and Rainbow Dash, and he stroked Pinkie's mane harder while staring right at her, causing her to perform what those in another world called a memeface. "A party involving me isn't weird until there are seventh-dimensional birds flying around violating causality and dimensional boundaries like they're casual suggestions!” He declared overdramatically.

I'm not even going to bother trying to convince you anymore that having your character do stuff like this is ill-advised; I'll just focus on trying to convince you to write it better. What he's doing here is difficult to visualize the way you describe it. I get that he basically invokes Portal logic to move himself from point A to point B, but the position of the ponies is hard to keep track of. The problem is the magic trick transports Silver, but you describe it as "(he) put Pinkie between himself and Rainbow Dash." It focuses the reader's attention on where Pinkie is instead of where Silver is, and we frankly don't know where RD is because you don't specify. Pinkie is stationary, Silver moves, you should be announcing his position, not Pinkie's. I'll also mention this is a run-on sentence that should be broken up.

I would phrase it something like this:
>Silver's horn lit up, and he fell through a portal that formed beneath him, emerging through a second portal that dropped him on the other side of Pinkie. He continued to stroke her mane..."
If you want to emphasize that he did this to place Ponk between himself and RD, have RD interject something, like "Hey get back here" or something similar. In fact, if you're going to do the Portal gag, you'd actually be better off having it happen two more times instead of just once. Have it where RD runs over and tries to step between them again, so Silver pulls the portal trick again so he's back on the other side. She runs back over to that side and he does it again, and keeps petting Pinkie in between portals. Stop at three total iterations though; it's a generally accepted rule that 3 is the magic number of times the same thing will be funny in sequence. The other ponies could potentially also find this amusing and laugh; that way it looks like he's doing this to be charming and funny, instead of just having him start petting Ponk for no reason like a creepy weirdo. Could be a small step on the rather long journey of making your OC come across as less of a douche.

If you can ease into the petting business a little less awkwardly, make your characters behave a little more naturally, and lay out the Portal gag better, this could actually be a rather amusing scene.

Oh, one more thing: could you please not ever use the word "memeface" in a story again, and consider cutting it out of this one? It pretty much demeans us all. Just describe her expression, or leave it out entirely.

>>4379
>If you can ease into the petting business a little less awkwardly
If he had Pinkie being the one that approached him, it could honestly work better since we all know that one of her character traits/flaws is not knowing personal bounderies. I am refering to how she acted in: "A Friend Indeed."
Otherwise, I am a sucker for fluff myself but Silver acted towards PP as she would have done towards a filly. I don't know if it fits SS character. Wasn't he like depressed and shit?

>>4380
>If he had Pinkie being the one that approached him, it could honestly work better since we all know that one of her character traits/flaws is not knowing personal bounderies.
Yeah, I think that makes more sense too. The irony is when I first read this section I was just going to make fun of it, but after pulling it apart I think it might actually be salvageable, it just needs a heavy rewrite. He needs to establish more of a relationship between Silver and Ponk before this scene happens, or least have them speak to each other briefly, and probably have Pinkie be the one who approaches or initiates/invites physical contact as you said. Maybe balance out the earlier scene where he's talking to Rainbow Dash, make it a 3 way conversation so they all get to know each other. Seems to me Pinkie is easy enough to make friends with, it shouldn't be hard to set them up as having some type of established relationship before all this happens, even if it's just a casual "you seem cool let's hang out sometime" kind of thing.

>I don't know if it fits SS character. Wasn't he like depressed and shit?
Nigel's biggest shortcoming is characterization. He really has a hard time figuring out who any of these characters are and making their words and actions fit that mold, and this includes the characters he creates himself. Now that you mention it I think that's a big part of what feels wrong in this scene. Everything that happens here is out of place with everything else, especially Silver's behavior.

Silver tends to be all over the place. One minute he's he's an arrogant, coldhearted gangster, the next he's acting like some kind of hero philanthropist, the next he's a mopey emo complaining about how unfulfilled he is. His random autistic "I want to pet you like a puppy" behavior comes out of absolutely nowhere, and is so completely inconsistent with anything we know about him so far that it's jarring. It's clearly written to either be funny or cute and random, it may even be an attempt to make him more sympathetic. However it comes across as borderline rapist/molester type behavior because the impression we have of Silver thus far is that he's a self-centered narcissist and possible sociopath. Even the desires he expresses to find love or friendship are ultimately self-serving; thus far we've been introduced to a character that wants to have friends, not to be one. Thus, a scene that's intended to soften your impression of the character just makes you slightly more repulsed by him.

>>4378
To be honest with you I didn't really read it, I just skimmed the first couple of paragraphs, concluded it was a shitpost, and gave you a "well memed, my friend!" response. If you want a serious analysis of it, then fine, here you go:

From Wikipedia:
>Poe's law is an adage of Internet culture stating that, without a clear indicator of the author's intent, it is impossible to create a parody of extreme views so obviously exaggerated that it cannot be mistaken by some readers for a sincere expression of the parodied views.

In essence, this text can be interpreted one of two ways: either it is a sarcastic parody of a "guide" to writing Sonic fanfiction intended to mock the kind of autistic individual who would write such a guide, or else it is an actual, unironic guide to writing Sonic fanfiction, written by just such an individual. Without knowing context or source, we will never truly be certain which it is, so I am just going to assume it's real writing advice and treat it as such.

Taken as writing advice, this text does offer a few decent tips and tricks for the aspiring autistic writer of autistic Sonic fanfiction. I particularly like the awesomeness math™ method for determining a character's awesomeness, as awesomeness can be a difficult trait to quantify. I was disappointed, however, that it does not expand upon this concept by pointing out that you can exponentially increase awesomeness by combining awesome characters from different series. For instance, if you take Rainbow Dash (decidedly the most awesome character in MLP) and combine her with Goku, the awesomest character from DBZ, you get a character called Rainboku, who is probably the most awesome character ever conceived by anyone. Incidentally, Nigel, you can't ever use her, because she is copyrighted, by me.

Rainboku is a horse with a tragic past and a bright future. Bright as in explosions, which you will see in a moment. That is called foreshadowing, and it is a literary technique, but you can't use it because it is copyrighted, by me. Anyway, Rainboku was born on a far-off alien world, and was frequently made fun of for being the only Super-Saiyan horse with a rainbow colored mane and super awesome powers, and also she could run really really fast, and also she was traumatized when her home planet was destroyed, by a mysterious fighter which turned out to be her from the future. You see that? That was what the foreshadowing was for. But I will remind you again that nobody but me is allowed to do that.

Rainboku has a chip on her shoulder because her father was Bill Cosby and her mother was Wonder Woman, and they would frequently get drunk and violent and sometimes sexual with her. That is why you can never mention the name Bill Cosby around her, because it reminds her of the time she was molested by Wonder Woman. However she has a heart of gold underneath it all, and when push comes to shove, she can summon laser beams which shoot out of her eyes and destroy aliens and Bill Cosby other bad people, which is why her home planet banished her to Equestria once they found out that it was her from the future that had destroyed her home planet. Also, her home planet had been moved to a different planet at that point, because the original planet had been destroyed. By Rainboku.

Anyway, in summation, Nigel's brilliant writing advice in Sonic Sonic Sonic is truly an inspiration to us all. It is a fine continuation of the ancient, noble tradition of old masters passing their tips and tricks down to a younger generation. Anyone with autism or autism-related conditions who wishes to write really super awesome Sonic fanfiction could benefit immensely from this guide.

Thus, after thorough analysis, my original rating still stands:
10/10 tbh, fam.

>>4381
I am going to follow you now on this thread btw. I have been an aspireing writer, although on and off, since I was small and this is one of my major intrests. No-one cared for my thread on reviewing and I have learned from these two threads that I might not get popular on this site if I attention-whore about it by posting a new one.
I simply have to come to terms with the fact that nobody notice me just like irl. I once walked into the girls' lockerroom after gym class while they were undressing and I was nothing to them. Sadpepe.jpg. I am just joking I am not actually sad.
What I think is most jarring about all this is the fact that Nigel sometimes says smart things but then goes back to write about fart scenes. Some of his comments in the other thread about fim are, what I would consider, top-notch epiphanies but his own story is filled with brainfarts Joke intended
I don't like to write too much so I am trying to summarize all his flaws into one sentence but it is hard with out it becoming a run-on-sentence.
Also, Nigel. I know this isn't funny to hear. I would also be a bit torn if people told me that my story that I had invested time and energy in was bad. However, you should try to see this as your own character arc's rockbottom to overcome. Take what you learn from glimglam with others, maybe the entirety of the two threads and rewrite or write a new story.
To sum up basicly what everyone probably has already said: Your story has no direction. Scenes are therefore irrelevent in the grand scheme of things since there is no ggrand scheme; no goal. Your charactes are inconsistent and undefined.
There is more but in my opinion those are your major flaws.

>introduced to a character that wants to have friends, not to be one
Which actually could be his character arc. That he consider himself the best and therefore feels entiled to be the center of attention all the time but later learns to care about others than myself.
I even think Nigel has begun to claim that that is the purpose of his character in the other thread. The reason I say, "claim" however, is because there hasn't been a single piece of evidence so far in the story, from what I can understand, in the story thus far and Nigel simply says that he will have it happen in future chapters.
I seems to me that he is realising that Silver is indeed not developing. He practicly admitted that was the case.
But here is the thing: If there is parts of your story were nothing develops, then cut it out.

You know what Nigel I am going to write your story for you in a WAY shorter version for you. I anyway need to pratcise my writting skills and I don't feel like I am actually giving away too much of my own unquie:er storylines. The basic story is already there and that story is nothing too orignal in my view so I might aswell.
I have even thought of actually posting my own storyline ideas simply because it is the current year and I rather share it with you guys anyway. But I haven't decided yet so I will hold onto it a bit longer.

>>4384
>o much of my own unquie:er storylines.
I am sorry for my preteniousness. I need to be taken down a step by reading a fucking book once in while and not just think that all the world novels are just shonen-tier manga.

If I had to make Silver a more consistent and liked character, but I could only do so by adding up to 5000 words of content to earlier chapters and scenes overall, what would you suggest?

>He stopped his reading when his secretary walked into his office and put a tray on his desk. He scanned the tray and saw that it had the can of coffee, an empty cup and a sandwich that he had asked for but he also noted something he hadn't asked for. There was a blueberry muffin on the tray.
”Coffe, sir?” Aquilla his Griffin secretary said.
>He put down his book and rolled his eyes before he pointed at the muffin.
”What is that?” he asked.
>Aquilla being a little taken aback by his weird question answered with the obvious.
”A muffin.”
”No, I mean why is it on my tray. If you are trying to bribe me with baked goods, then you should know it is futile and I will not give you an increase for that.” He stared at her coldly with eyes piercing into her.
”No, that wasn't my intent sir... Really, I just baked some for my children back home before I got here and thought that you might want one too.” Aquilla blather nervously as she looked at the hem on her maid outfit that she was fiddling with her talons.
”Aha.” Silence filled the room for a moment before Silver spoke up. ”Well, are you going to fill my cup today or...”
”Sorry, sir.” Aquilla a bit stressed got into action and poured him a cup. She managed to even with her hasty movements not to spill anything. When she had was done, she put the edibles and the cup on his desk with the exception of the muffin. When she kept the muffin on the tray, Silver said.
”I will eat the muffin but I only wanted to make sure that you didn't get any false hopes up.” He pointed on the muffin and with dragging motion towards his desk. In the beginning, it seemed like Aquilla was annoyed by this but when she meets Silver's gaze she gave him a smile but it seemed forced.
>She was about to turn and walked out of the office with her tray when she remembered something.
”By the way, sir. You had an appointment with a Mr. Grounds in about a half an hour but it seems he is already here. He is currently sitting in the waiting room. I am not saying that you need to take his appointment now, sir. I just wanted to tell you tha-”
”Um-ch Sen-*Swallows*-d him *slurp* in.” Silver said. His voice barely audible because he was in the middle of stuffing his mouth the muffin.
”Now?”
>He shook his head.
”Yes, now. What are you waiting for, a promotion? Go and fetch him.”
>A grimace of irritation displayed itself on Aquilla's face for but a moment before she left through the door.
>Silver had just managed to finish eating his sandwich and muffin before Mr. Grounds entered his office.
”Mr. Coffe Grounds, you are here because you wanted to discuss and potentially sell your coffee shop in Ponyville. Is that about right?” Silver said. His voice seemed almost monotone and he looked generally bored. He wasn't even looking at Ground direction but instead seemed to be searching for something in his drawer.
”Yes, and I think you will pleasantly surprised by what I am offering. Ehh?” Coffee looked around and then back to Silver. ”Do you perhaps have a chair that I may borrow?”
”No, you may not. Or Rather. You will soon be leaving anyway since I am not even remotely interested.” A grin formed on Silver's lips as he found what he was looking for and therefore looked back to face Coffee.
”But sir. I assure you that this is a great offer. If I didn't need a change of pace, I won't sell it. The shop has an interior designed by the local famous fashionista, Rarity herself. It has a great location; there exist no competing coffee shop in the district. And-” Coffee Grounds ranted on desperately until Silver interrupted him.
”That was well worded, Coffee Grounds. Kudos to you. Indeed it is the only coffeeshop in the area but there is this little bakery you see. Called Sugercube corner. Do you know about it perhaps? It has the address Ponyville Square fourteen and your shops has the same name but number seventeen.” A smirked had formed on Silver's lips. His voice was calm and quiet but there seemed to be some kind of taunting glee in his voice as he spoke.
>Coffee breathed at a faster rate and tears of sweat were starting to form on his forehead.
”Well, you see-” He began.
”And what do we have here.” Silver levitated the thing he had found in the drawer from before. It was an article that had been cut out from its newspaper but any keen news follower could clearly see by its layout that it belonged to the prestigious newspaper, Horesenews.
”This article is from five years ago. It reads: The Paraspryte Infestation in Ponyville Threatens the Local Stores in longterm. Mhm, why is that I wonder

I need to go to bed I will finish this part here. more than so I cannot say.
>>4386
If you "have to" and you feel like there is "only" one way to do so, do so.

>>4387
And that, Nigel, is how you prepare a character with advance knowledge of the situation without making it overbearing. Details flow through natural dialogue, instead of "Silver knows all this already, except it hasn't been mentioned"

>>4388
I meant if I had to do it with that "Can only add, not take away" restriction. I can not into words goodly sometimes.
>>4387
Jesus, Silver's an asshole in this. He's even an asshole about eating! And about getting food, too. But I'm curious to see where you're going with this.
And working the Parasprites from S1 into this was genius! Sometimes I think that even though I came up with some smart ways to unfuck the damage bad nu-fim decisions did to the setting of FIM, I should just skip the unfuckening parts and make the fic an AU where none of that crap happened in the first place. No friendship school to restock with proper teachers and better-written students, no dumb castle to turn into something that'd make Skyrim-playing mod-users jealous, and no "And then every poochie independently decided to fuck off over to the Crystal Empire, where they remained offscreen for the rest of the fic". It'd also remove the "I need to make Silver someone Twilight would reasonably be interested in, and could date without the 'OMG twilight is dating beneath her station! What a scandal! How unprincesslike!'" crap.
>>4389
Could you call me "Ash"? I get that a name needs to be assigned to me, but Nigel is also the name of that one dumbass on 4chan who hates MLP for "Being a kiddy thing" so much he set up a bot to tell him when people post stuff that's also on Derpibooru outside of 4/mlp/.
I don't hate MLP. Or MLPFIM. Hell, the show's nu episodes adopting that kind of "Kiddy stuff like songs and friendship are dumb and lame" attitiude for the sake of shallowly seeming "Enlightened and self-aware and above it all" is one of those things I hate about nu-FIM.

>>4390
Nigel please. For one, you're not Lee Goldson - aka Barneyfag - who is so notorious on 4chan that he's even featured in some anon's OC, including Tracy Cage. For two, why would you be called Ash when your name is Nigel, Nigel? We could call you by your real name, but that would be impolite.
Besides, you had your chance. I was willing to call you King Britanon if you had cut the crap a year ago; no such luck now! XDDD

>>4386
>>4390
>>4386
>Adding 5000 words
>I meant if I had to do it with that "Can only add, not take away" restriction.
There is no restricting you stupid retard, and there is no compromise on this either.
Learn how to kill your babies and throw out your extremely bad drafts of autistic rambling like what you wrote that are failures.

>If I had to make Silver a more consistent and liked character what would you suggest
One of the main problems with your fic and characterization of Silver as a whole is how you waste everyones time with extremely long winded blathering, either with what Silver is doing or what he's saying. And your portrayal of Silver someone to be redeemed falls flat on its face as because no pony actually reacts to him being a scumbag, so he's just getting away with murder. Look at the rewrite of the first introduction of Aquilla. >>4387 While sweedenfag uses her as a way to compare Silver to scrooge, a secretary that means well but keeping her head down is nothing new, it's better than the inconsistent garbage that you put out.

In your Chapter 1 one minute shes annoyed, the next she's impressed over stupid time magic, then shes hyped about more stupid speed magic, and then shes flying along being proud of him. There is no real consistency or depth with her character other than she gets impressed by magic and shes a lacky. But she isnt being used to contrast Silver and put him in a negative light, instead it's positive reinforcement as an empty cheer leader, compared to sweedenfag's Aquilla she is kind of disgusted by his idea of stuffing his face while he fetches the appointment. But puts up with it for the sake of job, this is a relatable character the audience can sympathize with right off the bat and puts Silver in a bad light.

In your fic the later cut-aways back to her building the house alone while Silver is at the party is out of place because its already been established she doesnt really care about being treated as a second class slave. The repeated attempts to make the audience sympathetic to her and make Silver look bad do nothing for emotional impact because she doesnt mind it, and she isnt having a hard time. The cuts away to her from Silver, then back with nothing happening. The scenes with her feel completely pointless as they neither add to the overall narrative of Silvers development, or the animu action plot. It's pure filler every time and it sucks ass. If you refuse to take away retarded pointless filler then you will still be left with ass. One more bit of information that Sweedenfag gives us is the muffin doesnt just serve that Silver is an asshole, but also shows that she (a griffon) has a better understanding of FiM's principles with friendship of sharing with no underhanded motives, than a pony which flips the usual roles on it's head.

>And working the Parasprites from S1 into this was genius! Sometimes I think that even though I came up with some smart ways to unfuck the damage bad nu-fim
>I should just skip the unfuckening parts and make the fic an AU where none of that crap happened in the first place.
This kind of response makes it clear you dont actually know why Sweedenfag actually put in the parasprites, and you just go off on your usual retarded rants about FiM. So I'm just going to point it out.

Your fic is over bloated with dumps of crammed useless information, and the handling of Silver is the biggest offender of this. You've given no time to develop any character else beyond maybe one scene and the fic is suffocated with focusing every inch of your effort on what Silver thinks, or what hes doing, or what he is saying. Filler is littered throughout your fic thats only purpose is to make Silver look good and/or demonstrate one of his '200 spells he invented', it quickly becomes obnoxious and never ends. The first scene of the fic is another prime example, there are characters like Coffee Beans and the other two that are quickly introduced but then dropped completely after Chapter 1 never to be heard from again. Meanwhile Sweedenfag cuts out all of the magic parkour crap that took up 2+ pages. Sweedenfag does a better job at giving us small bits about Silver and others, he doesnt even need to mention a retarded 8 year olds idea of kewl magical feats, something like that can be saved for later. Overloading the audience with new information is one of the quickest ways to lose them, and thats not even when it's in the form of autistic walls. In Sweedenfag's rewrite Silver still doesnt know the mane6, because he disregards that Rarity has given Coffee's a make over and raised the value, this scene doubles it's use as we dont need to repeat that Silver doesnt know the mane6 when chapter 2 starts. Sweedenfag used the newspaper to establish that Silver has more interest in Ponyville than the meeting as a hint to give us the idea that the story will involve Ponyville, it's not a way to 'fix' 'nu fim' and until you get over your bitter bias, that the ideas can have merit it's just the execution that's the problem (just like your case) then you're not going to be able to be a good story teller.

>>4387
”Let's see if we can figure it out okay?” Silver said with a juvenile voice.
”There are three things in this article that I think is interesting. Number one: One of the most affected by the parasite swarm is the store's owner Earl Grey, who runs a coffee shop in Ponyville Square- Wait a minute, Ponyville Square? Isn't that where your coffee shop is? Was there another one in Ponyville just recently?”
Coffee Beans swallowed and had a weird out of place laugh and grin.
”Uhm, Earl Grey was the last owner of the coffee shop. I bought it from him.”
”Did you now. How long time ago was this, if I may ask?”
Looking really uncomfortable Coffee answered.
”Two and half years ago.”
Silver nodded in a mock understanding.
”Let's keep reading. There is three interview in this article. They are interviewing the mayor here about some new law she has implemented. ”The municipality of Ponyville can't afford to pay for potential parasite egg merging in the future but we cannot let this happen again. Therefore I have decided that there has to be a law that if you find parasites in your home or store, you yourself most ensure that they are dealt with. So it is the law that you to take care of any parasprites if you find them since if they multiply they can cause us all damaged but the municipality won't help you with the removal of them,” said Mayor mare to our reporter.”
”If you had read your scientific paper like I do, you could have read last week, I think it was, in the latest number of Dora the Explorer that parasprite reproduced asexually by vomiting out a bunch of ”eggs”. These eggs later merge together to form a new parasprite, however, this ”later” can vary. The eggs have a biological clock on them that decides when they will merge. The time it takes can vary from immediately to, well the oldest specimen so far is from three-hundred years ago. It is speculated that they this is a mechanism to ensure that the parasprites survive even if a major catastrophe happens.”
”What means for your store is that unless there is a complete utter top-to-bottom renovation were you remove all the eggs that possibly could exist there almost wrecking your own coffee shop in the process, there can always pop-up one little parasprite that can cause havoc in Ponyville. And if I then own the store from where the parasprite, I will need a good lawyer.”
Coffee Beans seemed to be turning pale even though he had fur.
”I by no means meant to deceive you. It is not as bad as it sounds. It-” Coffee said quickly.
”I am not done.” Silver said, which caused Coffee to stop promptly.
”Not only do I have to be on constant alert that no parasprites minutes from my shop but I also have to pay professionals to remove them. They do mention that in the article, by the way, that the poison used to kill off parasprites and their eggs are completely different. The first one is harmless against ponies, the other one is hazardous and costs a fortune, which they speculate that none of the stores could reasonably afford to do.”
Before Coffe could interject Silver continued talking.
”And to top it off. I have tasted a cake made by your competition. They along with some other chefs made a collaboration of some sort that won the national dessert competition that was held in Canterlot a few years back. And what do I have to compete with them with Coffee and FUCKING sandwiches!” Silver had suddenly realized that he was justified to be angry at this pony who tried to trick him so he shouted out the last part and slammed his hooves on his desk.
”B-but s-sir!” Coffee had backed away with his hooves in the air.
”You got duped two years ago and now you're trying to dupe me!”
”Two and a half.”
”It doesn't matter! You idiot!”
Silence lingered in the air for a moment before Coffee turned for the door. When he had reached the door, Silver called.
”Come back.” Silver said. He seemed to have calmed down and was now leaning back in his armchair with a bored expression.
Coffee did as he was told and walked back to the desk. His face showed signs of fear as if he feared that Silver would reprimand him in some way.
”What prized had you imagine to sell it for?”Silver asked.
Coffee braced himself.
”Two-hundred-thousand bits,” he said as he braced himself.
”Make that fifty-thousand bits instead. I am not going to bid higher for this-” He trailed off for a moment as he made circler motions with his hoof while he was searching for the right word.”-place.”
>Coffee pondered it for a moment before he agreed. The transaction went fast enough. Silver read thoroughly through the contract to make sure everything was well with it. Aquilla had come in during this an offered coffee to them but Silver had declined on Coffee Beans behalf before he had could answer. Saying that something along the line that, ”He wanted a change of pace away from coffee.” After both Silver had signed the two copies of the contract with their signatures and Silver had handed Coffee a check of fifty-thousand bits, Coffe who was fuming at this point walked out of the office.

>>4393
>Silver drank from his new cup of coffee. While looking at the newly signed contract, his eyes began to wander over to the news article. As previously stated there were three ponies interviewed in it: Earl Grey, Mayor Mare, and the last one, Applejack.
>He stared grimly at the last name and then looked back at the contract again.
”Honesty, huh, Applejack? ” He whispered to himself.
>Letting go of those thoughts. He swiveled around in his chair and looked out at Canterlot through the window that could only be described as a glass wall.
>The sun was sinking down behind the horizon. He looked over his shoulder and to the clock on his desk.
>He snickered a bit to himself as he saw what time it was and spun a few laps in his chair before he stopped at his desk.
>Then there was a knock on the door.
”You may enter.”
>Aquilla walked in.
”I will soon be taking my leave for today, sir. I just wanted to know if there was anything you want me to do before I go,” Aquilla said.
”Oh, nothing really... Perhaps you could pour me a shot of that whiskey by Emerald whiskers. I feel like celebrating It is a transparent bottle with a big label that reads Liquid Emeralds. It is in that cupboard, the second shelf from the top to the right.” He pointed at cupboard in the corner of the room. ”Also before you leave today I would like you to book a chariot flight for tomorrow I am going to visit my newly bought shop in Ponyville.”
>Aquilla nodded and said.
”I'll make sure that I do it before I leave.”
She waited for a thank you but Silver had already begun staring out the window again.
>Aquilla then went into action and found the bottle and a shot-glass rather quickly in the cupboard. As she began to screw the cork into the cork of the bottle, Silver stood with his back turned towards her and looked out the window.
”Hehehe, the princess lowered the sun too early today. Tsk tsk, Princess what are you doing?” Silver said in a chirpy voice.
>This caused Aquilla to giggle a little, which caused Silver to smiled proudly over himself but the smile faltered as quickly as it had come.
”How's your day sir? You sound cheerful.” Aquilla had finished removing the cork from the bottle and was ready to pour him a shot.
He turned around and sat down in at his desk again.
”Ha, we don't know yet. I might regret this day later but I believe I should be able to turn this location into something beneficial in the end. Can you believe that that guy intended to sell such a place for such a prize? That he even dared to try to trick me.” Silver said, seemingly fascinated by the nerve of Coffee Beans.
”He tried to trick you?” Aquilla said as she glanced at the door.
”Indeed he did.”
”Then I understand that you are upset and didn't want to offer him any coffee before. How shameless,” she said. Then she saw that he still had some coffee in his cup. ”Do you want to pour you shot now even though you still got some coffee left.” She pointed with a claw at the cup.
”Yes, do that. I will drink it now.”
>As Aquilla held both the bottle and the glass as she pours it, Silver mumbled something.
”Like you are any different.”
>Aquilla's face contorted to that of complete rage for a second and threw down the glass into the floor. It shattered in thousands of pieces and left a transparent green puddle on the wooden floor.
”No! I am not like that!”
>Both of them seemed stunned and shock by what had just transpired. Aquilla woke up first from the shock and put the bottle back on the desk. Before her eyes went searching for a paper or a rag to wipe it up with.
”I am sorry sir.”
>This shock Silver out of his slumber.
”You better be! Do you know how much that brew and glass cost? The things I own are not for breaking! They are expensive, you moron!” he shouted at her and practically stood on his desk with his hooves planted on it.
>Aquilla had already gotten past her point of patience so it was easy to make her angry again.
”You can not call me that! I'm not a moron or some con-artist after your money! If you keep on berating me like this, I'll quit! I 'll quit. I tell you.”
”No, you don't quit because you're fired!”

>>4394
>Those words made Aquilla lose her breath. Slackjawed she just stared straight into the wall. Then she turned to Silver with tears in her eyes and a pleading look.
”P-p-please sir. I-I have kids... I need this job...” Aquilla was now sitting on her haunches with her claws clasped together as if she prayed.
>Silver still looked angry and sort of disgusted. His upper lip rose and crinkle displayed itself between his eyebrows and he was practically shaking.
”Well, you should have thought about that before you threw a temper tantrum in my office. Now leave and don't show your face here again,” he said.
>At fist Aquilla didn't seem to want to move. She just sat there as if this was all bad dream that she soon would wake up from. She only got up and walked to the door when Silver said, ”Are you deaf? I said get out.”
>Just before she was about to close the door after her, she leaned on its handle like she needed to support herself and stuck her head in through the crack of the door into Silver's office. Her head low and she wasn't looking at Silver but the floor when she spoke.
”You know. You are right. I lied this morning. I didn't bake those muffins for my children. I baked them for you.” She looked up at him. He looked surprised. ”I wanted to thank you for getting this job two weeks ago and also... Because I pity you. In my life, I have never met someone, pony nor Griffin, as lonely as you. You spend all your day occupied in the top of this tower isolated. To me, it seems as if you don't have any loved ones in your life.” She noticed his perplexed expression. ”Do you?”
>Her question was meet with silence because Silver was thinking about the question.
”I thought so,” Aquilla said before she closed the door behind her and left the office.
>Waking up from his shellshock, Silver sprung into action and tried to catch up to her. As he opened the door to exit his office he saw that Aquilla was half-way through the corridor that leads to the elevator.
>With quick steps he caught up to her and walked alongside her as he spoke.
”Ha, pretty clever retort you had back there. Yeah, I am the bad guy because you actually thought about me. Right. I believe in that.” As he talked the got to the elevator and Aquilla pushed a button and the doors opened and she walked inside leaving Silver there.”It was more like you wanted to secure your position not by actually hard work but by milking my.”
Aquilla looked at him with almost pitiful eyes as she said.
”Goodbye, Silver Star.”
>Then the elevator doors shut close.
”Yeah, that is right no rebuttal!” He screamed at the elevator and then began walking back to his office. Well, there he saw the mess on the floor looked at the open bottle that still stood on the desk. He grabbed it as he walked by the desk and to a doorway that leads out on his balcony. He opened it and walked out. The day had turned into night and the moon and the stars were out.
>Above his head on the wall of his incredibly high skyscraper stood the logo for his company, ”Silver's Industries” in pop-out black color contrasted from the rest of the silver colored skyscraper.
>As looked down on the city below but couldn't see any ponies from this height. His tower was only rivaled by Canterlot's castle itself.
>Something stung in his chest and he took a large swig of his bottle.
”No, it is not I who is the bad.guy. I have just realized the truth.” He whispered to himself. ”All ponies are by nature selfish and only gullible fools believe that anyone genuinely cares for another.”He looked back at the door in his office as if he was addressing it. ”Anyone who believes that they actually have friends are fools. You are stupid!” He shouted the last part, then he turned towards the city below again and screamed from the top of his lungs down at them. ”YOU ARE ALL IDIOTS!” In his scream, his voice cracked.
>Howver, since he was so high up the ponies below, didn't see and even less hear him.

>And then he farted.

>>4395
That's how I imagine the first chapter be like. I do however lacck more ideas right now so won't continue it because I am not sure how I would go about. I probably get him to mett Twi in some way and have him fall head over hels for her.

>>4392
>that she (a griffon) has a better understanding of FiM's principles with friendship of sharing with no underhanded motives, than a pony which flips the usual roles on it's head.
I didn't actually occur to me that is actually displayed reversed roles. I was just intrested in showing how cynical Silver is, that he actually thinks there is something underhanded with such a simple kind gesture.
>newspaper to establish that Silver has more interest in Ponyville than the meeting
I actually in the begining thought that he had done reseach in a libarary. They usually keep a copies of newpaper numbers and archive them but you gave me an idea. Since Silver has apple in his name, I thought that I could take the liberty of implying that he has some kind of past history with Applejack.
You see my orignal intent with having Rarity be the one who designed the interior was to build some kind of natural connection for Silver to meet Twilight when he visited ponyville. Now there is three options.
1) Be impressed by interior design think about hire rarity ffor job meets TWi
2) Scout out the competetion, the cakes, and meet pinkie->Twi
3)Visit (sister,cousin,frined,sister-in-law,ex) Applejack for whateever reaon that has to do with past->twi
4) Be unorignal an have pinkie throw a party for Silver like she did Twilight so you don't have to be imaginitive. Then again why waste time on something trivial if you have something more exciting futher into the plot.
Why i am so focused on TWi is because she would be the key to change his behavoir since he wants to be with her an therefore must change his behavior. Unlike other characters who he simply don't care for if they don't like him.
Also the idea i had however consious it might have been. About this first "chapter" was basicly aout to things. I hope that this comes thrrough in my text.
1) Silver is cynical and therefore he ddoesn't believe that anyone can want to genuinly be friends.
2)A reason for why he went to Ponyville.
1)I used Coffee beans to show his reason for cynism because there are actually ponies who tries to trick him.
Aquilla is there to show that since he assumes everyone is out to get him. His cynism hurt inocent and keeps him lonely.
2)I changed the shops location to ponyville and made sure that Silver bought the place so that he could go there. I guess this is one of my problems since it comes off as why the fuck wouldd anyone want to own that place wel well
>>4389
>Details flow through natural dialogue
Ah, you don't know how much that warmths my heart.
>>4390
<And working the Parasprites from S1 into this was genius!
Thanks, I often try to use fim's rules to my advantage.

>>4397
I'm unironically enjoying this rewrite. Not only is Silver not a wholly self-absorbed megalomaniac, but his financial and personal motivations are both understandable and quite shrewd without being (((excessive))).
>inb4 Mlpol hijacks Silver and makes him a presentable, believable, and identifiable (to the reader) OC

>>4397
>I didn't actually occur to me that is actually displayed reversed roles.
Consider it a happy accident for something Nigel did making her a Griffon but if it were a Pony it wouldnt have as much of an impact. Nigels Aquilla is boring as hell, because its just the very start of everyone licking his OCs balls being impressed by everything magical Silver does. You know if Aquilla has spent so long with him it would have been a better dynamic if she wasnt impressed by his 12 year old magic tricks. Desensitizing is a thing, and theres only so long before it just becomes the same ol Silver trying to show off to impress other ponies. About the only thing that remains consistent about Silver that Nigel wrote, he is an egomaniac but he wants to be the center of attention.

> Since Silver has apple in his name, I thought that I could take the liberty of implying that he has some kind of past history with Applejack.
If you read ahead or looked at the other thread he does have some loose relation as her cousin but again, iit's just inconsistent trash the way ihe portrayed that suddenly hes all sentimental about her but doesnt show it. It's honestly just bad and a complete contradiction to how much of an asshole he has been to everyone else in the previous chapter without actually going through any development. And then he is still an asshole, not to Rarity directly, but it's implied after being an autist to PinkiePie with the random petting.

Maybe he only cares about the successes of his own family IE the apples, so he kept applejack articles about her heroism around as a comparing competition or motivation, so he set out to be the best of the family in an insecure manor, the riches and whatever he accomplishes are still overshadowed by AJ's simple life and they can provide a counter to his unabashed in-your-face showboating and gaudy branding. Silver could even hold some resentment towards AJ because of this, but he wouldnt show it.

ANY of the options are better than whatever mary sue shit Nigel came up with, which is just empty connections to the mane6 with no interesting dynamics.

>>4399
>Maybe he only cares about the successes of his own family IE the apples, so he kept applejack articles about her heroism around as a comparing competition or motivation, so he set out to be the best of the family in an insecure manor, the riches and whatever he accomplishes are still overshadowed by AJ's simple life
It is good that I have you that way I don't need to think. If I continue, I will incorporate this into the story. I, as stated, just drew the connection between Applejack and the newspaper so that I could explain why he would have a old newspaper in his drawer. I didn't think much more about it but I actually thought about the opposite of what you did. I thought that I could have Applejack being the one that resented Silver due to the fact that he got rich through George Soros-tier bullshit econmics and stock exchange instead of hard wrok in the form of manual labour or at least something that provided something to society.
But your idea works better withh the story since if applejack is the one with the resentment, then Silver doesn't have a concrate reason for keeping those articles around. With your idea, he does.
Maybe I will use both if I continue, which I really feel like doing but you know real life.
I thought about making their past be next door neightbors in manehatten. When AJ lived with the oranges he lived in the apartment next door and they were eachothers first friend and pretty much did everything togather. Or his adopted into the oragne family or whatever. The important thing is that they meet there.
I just realised something I could do. What do you think about this?
Silver and AJ are childhood friends but when AJ leaves for Ponyville, Silver is left alone. Silver therefore builds up his cynism and disbelief of friendship. In ponyville he falls for Twi but in the end he ends up with Glimmer due to the fact that they share so much incommen.

>>4400
> the riches and whatever he accomplishes are still overshadowed by AJ's simple life
I think I would want to have Silver be unaware of the fact that these things do overshaddow his stuff but I don't know.
>they can provide a counter to his unabashed in-your-face showboating and gaudy branding.
This Silver has yet to display the trait of showboating. I am not saying that couldn't have this character trait he has but it is not something I have yet given him. I guess there is one thing though when i think about it.
>gaudy branding
If you refering to the logo on his skyscraper than I agree that it is gaudy. The reason I put it there in the first place was actually not because I wanted to show of his showboating side but because I relaise how similar his character and situation was to Tony Stark's. I am not a marvel fan but I have watched the first Avengers movie in which Tony Stark's Tower is mention. I realised that Star and Stark are so similar that I could refernce it. I have some kind of neptune syndrome and therefore I try to put in refernces everywhere. If you looked through the text, if you haven't already noticed, there are a number of them. If I am going to be more serious however, then I will tone down the use of refernces since they only take away from the story.
Now that I the character has a gaudy brand I could either go two way, at least from what I see. I could have Silver be a cocky fuck or I could have it just a simple name he took because he didn't want to overthink it.
My version of Silver is someone who has gotten rich by making deals not developing a company and then I got to a point were could buy smaller companies and sudddenly he had an empire.
What are your thoughts?
>>4398
>makes him a presentable
I am not being sarcastic when I ask but genuinly curious of what it means for a character to be presentable. Can you elaborate?
>I'm unironically enjoying this rewrite
Muh Feelings
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3wNQHnEXBLs

>>4401
>presentable
Not: embarrassing, an eyesore, an insult to the franchise, nauseating to behold, a waste of everyone's time, an affront to the practice of writing.
Please continue

>Apples-Applejack
>Oranges-Silver Star
Maybe a family fued?
>>4402
Hehehe, thanks.

>>4400
>I thought that I could have Applejack being the one that resented Silver due to the fact that he got rich through George Soros-tier bullshit econmics and stock exchange instead of hard wrok in the form of manual labour or at least something that provided something to society.
You could do both actually. Silver can be someone who started off with good intentions but got lost in the greedy egotistic factor. The kind of person who wanted to expand the apple family 'brand' but and went into the business side to do it, without their approval because it's not the Apple way.

As far as AJ resenting him, it can be more like he knows of her but she doesnt know of him because hes the black-sheep of the apple family and was kept secret from her, ashamed of what he became. AJ would definitely still side against his Soros like methods especially now, but with your idea of involving the Oranges (Learning the business side) would be like a fate that Applejack narrowly avoided. So she could be conflicted about Silver as a whole over time and play a good part in his development unlike in the Nigel-fic where she's just practically irrelevant and it's just there to make Silver look good in comparison.

The gaudy branding Silver does I was talking about is a reference to how he remakes literally everything he touches with that stupid orange and blue star. it's part of chapter one, he breaks into a window then remakes the window but with his stainglass star 'brand'. its just more egotism from him, he has to let everyone know that he was there and changed the window. he does this a lot with anything he owns. He is basically obsessed with orange and blue combination, and has his house having orange or blue windows, and likewise the door. The orange/blue is the same colors of his cutiemark, so as always with silver it's all self-absorbed with no sense of awareness. Unlike Nigel's version where he's their pride and joy gag worthy, if the Apple family turned their backs on him then it gives a good reason for his insecurity and lone wolf egotism.

I think the fact they might have known eachother when AJ ran away from home to the Oranges and learn the higher classlife has some potential, and it would work with Silver's ego/insecurity that he thought AJ would agreewith him, since they both wanted a different path from the typical apple family life. Just going on a re-write of the Nigelfic for Chapter2,I would imagine it would be a real sting if AJ didnt recognize him at the party and then he has a sort of breakdown over this and needs to get out for air and teleports out. Instead of the retarded and autistic unfunny Nigelfic "i needed to fart" reasonin the original version.

Lol, I leave for a couple of days and Swedanon hijacks my hijacking of Nigel's thread.

>>4405
>hijacks
Allah Akbar!;)

>>4395
I like how you flesh out this character. Judging by the shitstorm for this fic, I guess it's a great improvement on your part. Consider a pastebin when you finish planning this story out.

>>4406
Also just so you know I'm interested to read your interpretation of this story and will post my thoughts once I've read it, I just haven't quite gotten to it yet.

>>4404
>He is basically obsessed with orange and blue combination,
>it's all self-absorbed with no sense of awareness.
I wasn't aware of this. It is like Silver has OCD. It is actually hilarious!
>without their approval because it's not the Apple way.
>because hes the black-sheep of the apple family
>if the Apple family turned their backs on him then it gives a good reason for his insecurity and lone wolf egotism.
I like this idea and pretty much this entire post is intressting. I, however, don't have much to add at least not now. Thank you for your input. It was great.
>then he has a sort of breakdown over this and needs to get out for air and teleports out. Instead of the retarded and autistic unfunny Nigelfic "i needed to fart" reasonin the original version.
I don't know. You have to ask yourself which one is more dramatic?
>>4407
Thanks so much. I actually have pastebin account but I have yet to upload anything.

>>4408
Please do. I would love some input.

Nigel samefagging on qa and con sidering to leave MLPOL due to trolling

exposed by mod ban notice

>>4411
Not that I disapprove given the circumstances, Nigel was unironically praising reddit which is everything this site was founded against, but isn't there a policy against using information gained through staff positions to out people?

>>4412
I have seen mods using hashes to out samefagging trolls before with little complaint, but you do raise a good point.

>>4413
To be clear again, I don't disapprove, since samefagging is a form of shilling. It's simply a precedent we should keep in mind for future reference in case someone tries to define 'information' as 'knowledge gained through moderation tools' which would include spotting samefags samefagging in a thread with no post IDs or flags. Atlas might have to add more legalese to the policy page if it starts coming up as an issue in the future.

>>4413
>>4414
To respond with clarity
>No staff member shall use the information he obtains in his position on staff for personal gain, lulz, or to harass/humiliate a user or other staff members

The purpose of the notice was not to harass/humiliate the user, but to indicate that the shilling (same-fagging) had not gone unnoticed and to make a statement about derailing the RWSS thread.

>>4415
Nigel probably wouldn't view it that way, if he hasn't left the site completely in shame, and good riddance if he has.

>>4415
>>4416

obviously this is an underground mass harassment campaign against Jason organized offsite and all staff that formerly trollshielded him are in fact radical glimmerniggers that have displaced the original staff

>>4417
Vril please

>>4387
>>4393

So far my impression of this is that it is indeed a much better handling of the Silver Star character and the story than in Nigel's work. I do have a couple of minor issues: one is that the sentence structure and grammar is a bit awkward at times. I'm guessing from your flag that English is not your first language so that can probably be allowed to slide, but you may want to go back over it at some point and do some editing. Most of it is fairly minor but nonetheless noticeable, like saying "He wasn't even looking at Ground direction" instead of "He wasn't even looking in Grounds' direction"; things like that. Also I notice you introduce the shop owner as Coffee Grounds (which is the character's name in Nigel's work), but by the end of the exchange you're calling him Coffee Beans.

That said, the actual structure of the story is again much better than the original. Probably the best thing about this is that it eliminates the massive blocks of speech and inner monologue and tediously detailed action sequences that bog down Nigel's story. Nigel, if you're paying attention, this is a fine demonstration of how to properly build a scene.

Most notable is that the dialogue between Silver and Coffee Grounds/Beans reads like an actual conversation. Each speaker says something, and then the next speaker speaks. This sounds like an obvious way of putting it but in Nigel's story the conversations are mostly dominated by huge walls of text spoken by Silver "your nutsac belongs in my butt crack" Star. Probably the most excruciating example is the "date" scene, which consists of Twilight asking single-sentence questions and Silver going on for pages and pages explaining how he is able to do cool magic tricks.

In any dialog between two characters, no single character should be speaking for for more than a sentence or two. Occasionally a character will need to make a big speech or explain something which requires a larger section of quoted text, but this should definitely be used sparingly. If you find your characters doing this a lot it's usually a good indicator that you need to go back over your dialogue and cut some stuff out. To Nigel's credit it's actually very easy to fall into the trap that he does. The problem is that the way we think is different from the way we communicate. Thought is usually a continuous stream of ideas flowing in a somewhat incoherent stream through your head. If you sit down and attempt to write out anything you have to say on a given topic, you find that even though you know exactly what to say in your head, putting it into words can be difficult. However, with discipline you can generally compose solid, coherent paragraphs that convey everything you want to convey.

Speech is different. The next time you have a conversation with someone, pay attention to how much you are able to say before it becomes apparent that the other person wants to say something. Most of the time you are only able to get a sentence or two out before the other person will speak, and they will do the same until you speak again. You also only have a short time to translate your ideas into something that can be communicated and often you won't be as articulate on a given topic in conversation as you are on paper. A conversation on a complex topic will generally play out as a long, convoluted back and forth that may have completely deviated from the original topic by the time you get to the end. This is vastly different from a written essay, where the author has the ability to sit and think for a while, then write, then think, then write.

That's what is so unnatural about Nigel's dialogue; his characters don't interact with each other, they give speeches. Or rather, Silver gives speeches and all other characters just stand around and listen. The difference between your version of this scene and Nigel's illustrate this perfectly. In Nigel's, Silver just berates and lectures Coffee for paragraphs and paragraphs at a time, and it just makes the person reading it instantly hate the character. Your version of this character is really as much of a dick as Nigel's. The end result is functionally the same; Silver cuts through the shop owner's sales pitch, assesses that he is in a more vulnerable position than he lets on, and chooses to take advantage of this and acquire the shop at well below asking price (though I also notice you make the monetary figures add up more sensibly, good job there too). However, Silver keeps most of his thoughts to himself. We get to learn who this character is by observing his behavior, rather than listening to his philosophies and ideologies in his own words. The standard mantra is "Show, don't tell" and this does a fine job of demonstrating that principle.

>>4419
>>4387
>>4393

Also of note is that you do a good job of doing what I've been trying to convince Nigel to do for a long time now: filter out unnecessary crap. These first two posts basically take the first major scene in Nigel's first chapter and condense it down to its essential elements.

What fundamentally happens? Silver "my ass is like a roller coaster baby baby you want to ride" Star meets with Coffee Grounds and buys his shop. What is the subtext here? Coffee Grounds is trying to present his business as successful but ultimately he needs to get rid of it. You alter the specific reason he's trying to get rid of it from the original text but in this case it's not important, as it only really affects the reader's perception of the Coffee Grounds character, who is incidental. You also move the location of the coffee shop from Canterlot to Ponyville.

In any event, the central focus is Silver Star, who we are being introduced to. Which leads us to the final significant element: what is this scene trying to communicate? Mainly that Silver is a savvy businesspony, somewhat ruthless, probably more than a little arrogant, who is not above taking advantage of others in a weak position. He is successful and knows his way around a negotiating table. This is a very good introduction to Silver. Bear in mind that we learn all of this about him just from these two posts, and that is all I have read so far. The total word count for this section of text is 1,756. For comparison, Nigel's original text does not arrive at this point in the narrative until 11,938 words in.

Now, to be fair, that is just a raw word count from the beginning of the text until the end of the Coffee Grounds interview. In your text you cut out a couple of major scenes that consume a lot of text in Nigel's work. Again most of what you cut out is just unnecessary bullshit that needed to be trimmed anyway: we are spared the excruciatingly dull scene where Silver straps on his magic rocket boots and goes flying around all over Canterlot, for instance. You also reduce the initial exchange between Silver and Aquilla down to a couple of lines of dialogue before moving on to Coffee and Silver. This is also probably a good choice; Nigel's scene basically consists of a conversation with Aquilla where Silver admits to some feelings of discontentment and boredom. This really shouldn't happen before the character has been properly introduced; with a character like this, who is meant to be an initially unlikable character who you gradually learn there is more to than meets the eye, you want to peel back layers gradually like an onion. You want your introduction to the character to pique curiosity while only showing a single side of him. In this case, making the reader's first impression of Silver to be of his business acumen and ruthlessness was a good choice, particularly since you revealed this through events rather than just having Silver blather.

The scene I personally would not have cut, however, is the opening scene where Coffee Grounds is going up the elevator. That scene was one of a handful of things Nigel actually managed to do well, and I was basically enjoying the story up until the point where he switched over to Silver and his time spells and rocket boots. It's a good scene for a number of reasons: it introduces the story from the perspective of an incidental side character rather than the main character, which allows the reader to get an initial impression of characters and events from a distance. We learn that Coffee is going to meet with someone named Silver Star, and all we know about him is that he is mysterious and important. This piques initial reader curiosity and gives the author something to build on as he gradually presents the character. It's also good because it fleshes out the Coffee Grounds character and gives him a motivation and personality. Any opportunity you can take to humanize a side character, even if the character will only appear once, should be taken, so long as it doesn't make you deviate too much from the main story. It fleshes out your world and makes it feel more like a real place inhabited by real people/horses.

>>4420
Thank you for your thoughts. I will comment on it later when I have time.
Also, not because I really feel that this is needed to be said, you don't have to sugercoat any of your criticism. I want to improve.

>>4421
And I can take it.

>>4421
>>4394
>>4395
Alright, here are my thoughts on the rest of it, Swedanon.

Again, while it may not be something you can reasonably be blamed for due to your living in a Swahili-speaking country, your English is a bit awkward and it interferes with the telling of your story. One thing you may want to pay attention to is comma use. It's not a mistake you make consistently but there are multiple places in this story where a sentence goes on longer than it should without any punctuation like this one that I am right here writing like this see what I am doing it reads funny when there are no commas being used. Also, while your dialog is generally better than Nigel's it is still somewhat awkward. You may want to go back over your characters' speaking parts and experiment a little with rewriting their sentences. Try to use fewer words and make them flow more like natural speech.

Here's an example:
>I will soon be taking my leave for today, sir. I just wanted to know if there was anything you want me to do before I go.
This sentence is grammatically correct and there's nothing wrong with it from a technical perspective, but as dialog it's a bit stiff. Silver's response is not much better:
>Oh, nothing really… Perhaps you could pour me a shot of that whiskey by Emerald whiskers. I feel like celebrating It is a transparent bottle with a big label that reads Liquid Emeralds. It is in that cupboard, the second shelf from the top to the right.

Although the nod to the illustrious King Battlebrit's iconic Emerald Whiskers character is noted and appreciated, the homage might work better if these characters didn't sound like robots reading lines from an Aaron Sorkin script. Again, aim for a natural flow of words, and try not to use more words than are necessary to communicate what you want the character to say. Here's a rewrite of that short exchange between Silver and Aquilla for comparison:

>I'm leaving for today, sir. You need anything else before I go?
>Not really. I suppose you could pour me a drink. Use the new stuff I bought, the Emerald Whiskers brand. Liquid Emeralds, I think it's called. You'll find it in the cupboard, second shelf from the top on the right. I rather feel like celebrating.

See how it feels a bit more natural? Writing natural-sounding dialog is more of an art than a science, and it's a fairly common thing to struggle with. I still find myself rewriting dialog more often than any other part of a story. Just play around with it and see what sounds better. I've found it also helps to listen to other people's conversations and make a note of how they say things. Pay attention both to what words the person used to say what they had to say, as well as the information they were trying to convey. People have different ways of speaking and it's a good idea to think how one character in your story uses language vs. another. The differences don't need to be huge, but each character should have a speaking style that fits their character. For instance, with Applejack you can use a lot of Southernisms and country slang; Pinkie Pie speaks very hyperactively; Rainbow Dash speaks casually and says "awesome" a lot; Twilight sounds like a bookworm; Rarity is overly polite and well mannered; you get the idea.

If you want a really interesting study in dialog writing you should read The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. Mark Twain literally went around to different regions of America with a notebook taking detailed, autistic notes about all the various dialects and speaking styles in America. He replicated nineteenth century Nigger-speak so effectively it eventually caused the book to be banned in American high schools because muh racism.

Something you do well that I think is worth developing is the way you intersperse dialog with descriptions of events, and conveying information through conversation rather than narrative whenever possible. For instance, the way you have Silver and Aquilla do a back-and-forth while she's pouring him a drink. You have a sentence or two of dialog from one character, then something happens, then the other character responds. Tiny little slice of life type scenes like this are the best way to bring characters to life. I think if you could learn to write more naturally flowing dialog you could really tell some engaging and convincing stories using this technique.

I'd like to delve more into the meat of this section of story as well, but I think I will use another post to do it as I only have about 1500 chars remaining and there are a few things I want to address.

>>4422
>And I can take it.
that's right you can

>>4423
>>4395
>>4394

The events that transpire in this scene don't feel natural. Part of it is your dialog as I explained in the previous post, but that's not all. Your characters' actions and behaviors don't feel natural. Basically, the sequence of events here is: Silver is sitting in his office gloating about how he got one over on Coffee Beans/Grounds, and Aquilla is pouring him a drink. It's a perfectly natural situation for these two to be in and, except for the awkward dialog, feels reasonably natural. However, the situation gets weird fast. Silver makes some offhanded remark to her that she takes offense to, she gets angry and yells at him, then breaks his glass. He reacts by getting even angrier and firing her. Then she immediately becomes penitent and teary eyed, begging for her job back. Silver shows her no pity and tells her to leave again. Then, as she is leaving, she tells him she pities him for being lonely. The scene ends with Silver stewing by himself.

I get what you were going for here, and it wasn't a bad idea. The idea here was to illustrate that Silver is cold and arrogant and tends to look down on beings he considers less intelligent than he, which is basically everypony. Aquilla, who cares for him on some level, takes offense at this, and explodes on him when he insults her in this way. By having him get angry and fire her over something relatively minor, even as she's begging him to reconsider, you illustrate both that Silver is a coldhearted and arrogant pony, and that this is really just a front that conceals his loneliness and ennui. You establish his initial motivation for (assuming your story will follow the same trajectory as Nigel's) the main plot of the story, which is basically "Silver moves to Ponyville and learns to make friends." In theory it's a great scene and a much better means of conveying this information than the cringe-inducing emo ballad in Nigel's text. By all means you are on the right track here. However, in execution, it sadly falls flat.

The issue here as with the dialog is that the exchange just doesn't feel natural. Your characters' emotions go from zero to 60 and back again with very little warning. Aquilla is just pouring Silver a drink, you don't get any insight into her thoughts as she's doing it. There is nothing in any of the exchange up until this point suggesting that she might be about to get angry. She just explodes on him out of nowhere. Silver, too, overreacts in a way that the reader will likely puzzle at.

Getting characters to emote convincingly is one of the hardest things to do when writing fiction, and I myself admit to struggling with it. A common mistake is to assume that making your characters behave more emotionally will amplify the emotional content in a scene. This is a yuge mistake; the kind of fiction this type of pseudo-emotion produces is the stuff cringe threads are made of. Unless you're writing about characters who are bipolar, transgendered, or otherwise psychologically unstable, usually it's safe to assume that they won't just burst into tears for no reason, or get majorly angry out of nowhere.

It ties into something I've been trying to drill into Nigel's skull over the course of many, many posts: characterization. The key to writing effective emotional content is understanding who your characters are at a fundamental level. What defines them? What's important to them? What makes them tick? Even if you're just writing some simple piece of flash fiction like this, where you're just going to write a single scene and never touch these characters again, you still need to flesh them out and make them into real individuals.

Who is Aquilla, for example? We know she's a griffon, and you establish that she has kids and has been working for Silver for two weeks. Based on that information, does it make sense that she would get this angry over such a minor insult? She clearly needs the job, and has responsibilities that preclude her being reckless and impulsive the way someone without kids could afford to be. While she might have some initial spark of interest in her boss (this doesn't necessarily mean sexual interest, btw), her thoughts are likely going to be more focused on her kids and her family and her life outside of work than on Silver at this point. She probably just wants to pour this faggot a drink and get home; his comment would likely annoy her but she'd probably let it slide. Imagine yourself in this situation. Do you cuss out your boss every time he says or does something that annoys you? A more appropriate reaction would be to just suck it in, say "Yes sir no sir" the way she's supposed to, then go out for drinks later with friends and make fun of her lame, pathetic, lonely boss behind his back.

If it's crucial to your scene that she react more emotionally to Silver's insults, you need to establish an initial connection between her and Silver more effectively. Why does she care what this douchebag thinks of her enough to get this mad over it? The fact that she baked him muffins isn't enough; why did she bake him muffins? Why does she give a shit even though he's clearly a thoughtless asshole? To achieve this effect you'd be better off establishing Aquilla as kind of a Wayland Smithers to Silver's Mr. Burns, or a Miss Moneypenny to Silver's James Bond: the tireless, loyal, underappreciated assistant who has stuck by her cad boss through thick and thin, and remains loyal no matter how badly he treats her.

Also, however you end up structuring your characters and their relationships to each other, you need to lead into the outburst better. Build tension; don't just have them go from casual conversation to heated argument in the space of a line or two. Writing is a lot like acting in that you need to understand your characters thoroughly in order to present them effectively to an audience. Overacting is not an effective substitute.

>>4395
>And then he farted.
Okay, I totally didn't see that twist ending coming.

Because I haven't posted here in a while, have a retro Glimmy, everyone.

>>4426
On a completely random and unrelated topic, does anyone know how to get Unity to render in a lower resolution and color depth? I want to make a game with that type of N64 look.

>>4427
You can set resolution via Screen class (not sure about color depth)
https://docs.unity3d.com/ScriptReference/Screen.SetResolution.html

>>4428
Oh shit, that will probably work. Thank you.

Man, why do so many people want Silver Star Apple to be a cunt to everyone, even his own secretary?
Is this some kind of "I need to rationalize away why he was so mean to my waifu" or is this just supposed to annoy me? Because greentext of my OC is still greentext of my OC.

>>4430
Hey Nigel, there's some Glimmerniggers on 8ch/trap/ ,... I think they would appreciate your take on the matter

>>4430
He was a cunt before hand tho

>>4045

Is there a character that could even possibly EVEN TOUCH Silver Star? Let alone defeat him. And I'm not talking about Edo Tensei Silver Star. I'm not talking about Gedou Rinne Tensei Silver Star either. Hell, I'm not even talking about Juubi Jinchuuriki Gedou Rinne Tensei Silver Star with the Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan and Rinnegan doujutsus (with the rikodou abilities and being capable of both Amateratsu and Tsukuyomi genjutsu), equipped with his Gunbai, a perfect Susano'o, control of the juubi and Gedou Mazou, with Hashirama Senju's DNA implanted in him so he has mokuton kekkei genkai and can perform yin yang release ninjutsu while being an expert in kenjutsu and taijutsu. I’m also not talking about Kono Yo no Kyūseishu Futarime no Rikudō Juubi Jinchuuriki Gedou Rinne Tensei Silver Star with the Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan (which is capable of Enton Amaterasu, Izanagi, Izanami and the Tsyukuyomi Genjutsu), his two original Rinnegan (which grant him Chikushōdō, Shuradō, Tendō, Ningendō, Jigokudō, Gakidō, Gedō, Banshō Ten’in, Chibaku Tensei, Shinra Tensei, Tengai Shinsei and Banbutsu Sōzō) and a third Tomoe Rinnegan on his forehead, capable of using Katon, Fūton, Raiton, Doton, Suiton, Mokuton, Ranton, Inton, Yōton and even Onmyōton Jutsu, equipped with his Gunbai(capable of using Uchihagaeshi) and a Shakujō because he is a master in kenjutsu and taijutsu, a perfect Susano’o (that can use Yasaka no Magatama ), control of both the Juubi and the Gedou Mazou, with Hashirama Senju’s DNA and face implanted on his chest, his four Rinbo Hengoku Clones guarding him and nine Gudōdama floating behind him AFTER he absorbed Senjutsu from the First Hokage, entered Rikudō Senjutsu Mode, cast Mugen Tsukuyomi on everybody and used Shin: Jukai Kōtan so he can use their Chakra while they are under Genjutsu. I'm definitely NOT Talking about sagemode sage of the six paths Juubi Jinchuuriki Gedou Rinne Tensei Super Saiyan 4 Silver Star with the Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan, Rinnegan, Mystic Eyes of Death Perception, and Geass doujutsus, equipped with Shining Trapezohedron while casting Super Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann as his Susanoo, controlling the Gold Experience Requiem stand, having become the original vampire after Alucard, able to tap into the speedforce, wearing the Kamen Rider Black RX suit and Gedou Mazou, with Hashirama Senju's DNA implanted in him so he has mokuton kekkei genkai and can perform yin yang release ninjutsu while being an expert in kenjutsu and taijutsu and having eaten Popeye's spinach. I'm talking about sagemode sage of the six paths Juubi Jinchuuriki Gedou Rinne Tensei Legendary Super Saiyan 4 Silver Star with the Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan, Rinnegan, Mystic Eyes of Death Perception, and Geass doujutsus, equipped with his Shining Trapezohedron while casting Super Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann as his Susanoo, controlling the Gold Experience Requiem stand, having become the original vampire after having absorbed Alucard as well as a God Hand, able to tap into the speedforce, wearing the Kamen Rider Black RX suit, with Kryptonian DNA implanted in him and having eaten Popeye's spinach while possessing quantum powers like Dr. Manhattan and having mastered Hokuto Shinken.

>>4433
This is an amazing list of character traits and development. Thank you for analyzing the character so thouroughly

>>4433
>having eaten Popeye's spinach
I nearly choked there.

>>4433
I think I've found my new pasta.