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I'm 26 and I literally haven't been able to do a fucking thing with my life yet. Where do I even start at this point?
U should check the catalog anon.
Start by getting a job, and saving up for a house.
Well op, i might as well share a secret with you, life has no meaning, you have to give life a purpose.
If you are writing this thread i will just assume you do nothing but waste time all day.
Just stop doing it man, create an objective and a plan to get to that objective, then execute and adapt to unexpected things.
It's ok Anon there is still hope just follow the following steps and you will be set!

1 start a routine every morning set an alarm every morning at the same time every day. Once you get up make your bed as soon as that's done brush your teeth, after that go for a jog, walk, or swim for an hour get a nice morning workout for 1 hour. Now that you are done with your workout eat breakfast. Congrats you now have some type of order in your life it sounds crazy but chances are your life is a little on the disorganized side and as for the workout a healthy body and a healthy mind are important it's like yin and yang.

2 Now that you have your morning routine set you NEED TO FIND A JOB. Start small, walmart, Burger King, etc. You have a job WOOT WOOT congrats you are now an adult! Work there for 6 months then go to a credit union get a TINY credit card about 100-200 bucks. Right now your credit score is probably 0 meaning no one BUT a credit union will give you a card. Now with a 0 they will want you to do a money backed account yes this sucks because that 100 dollar credit card requires you to pay 150 upfront. YES you are getting semi fucked over but suck it up buttercup that is part of dealing with banks. So you have a credit card shiny pretty plastic! Now to teach you about credit. Credit is a sad sad thing that is needed to survive in this world sadly so you need to be smart with it. So that 100 dollar credit card go CRAZY get something worth A WHOLE 100 DOLLARS! So now you officially HAVE DEBT! Yes this is great and sucks all at once, so now make ONLY minimum payments on this card and do not touch it or spend ANY on it until you have it payed off. I know this sounds weird the reason for it is to get that score it should take about 1 year to pay off this card after this card is paid off you should have a credit score of ~735 a VERY good credit score that will be a fantastic start for you! Do this EVERY year until you reach step 4 AND DO NOT GET MORE CREDIT CARDS!

3 Now go down to your local community college and poke around at degrees. Find one you find interesting get your idea set and then GO HOME AND STUDY. You have 1 year to study, save up let's say 3000 bucks and then go to school. Now you may ask "What do I study" You want to test out of your writing, math and English classes so study what you forgot in HS. So crack open your basic algebra, geometry and trig. Next thing you are probably asking "WHY 3000 BUCKS I WANT HOOKERS AND BLOW" well suck it up buttercup community college is roughly 1500 a semester or 3000 a year you want to have about 1 years worth of tuition before you start and rebuild it EVERY year. DO NOT TOUCH COLLEGE LOANS EVER!

4 Now you have a job, college, and starting your life. Do this until graduation then on your last year find an internship use this internship to find a job in your field. Find that job and work it! Congrats you are now 29! You have been been building that credit score up for the past 3 years your score should be in the 750+ range so excellent credit. Congratulations you are now a fully functional adult it took you 3-4 years but your life is now fully inline and ready to go in life!

Now you are asking "Anon you are just some random asshole on an alt chan who is respond to my thread in the middle of the night why should I trust your advice" well this is a modified version of what i did when I was 17 with some updates that I wish I had done and I am currently a homeowner and living the dream! Trust me on this the steps I set up work and they got me to where I am today.

This is very thorough and I appreciate it, anon. I really just wanna move out though. I was told I'd need FOUR remedial math classes to be accepted at any college.

The only thing I have are some technical school certificates of completion (and a driver's license I guess) but everything I learned there is surely outdated by now.

And you prolly didn't want my life story but I do walk every morning (usually) so that's something I guess.