For my fellow horse-words writers (and Pol writers), I give you: The third installment of this competition.
This time I want short stories from you fagets. They should be more than a 1000 words and less than 5000 words. Otherwise, you will be in Glimmer's rapedungeon.
Oh, by the way, Glimglam will be searching for your stories titles in the book of life as he reads aloud all of their sins. Then he will judge them, your babies, and score them by assigning a numerical value between 1-10 to each one of them. The story with the highest value wins.
Also, there is a theme to this competition. Yes, I couldn't leave well enough alone. Here's the tag along rule: The Grand Galloping Gala is happening in Canterlot. You must connect this to your story in someway. Now, this can be a very tenous connection. Here's and example: Big Mac is loading apples onto a wagon leaving for the gala but Big Mac and the story about him does not happen in Canterlot. It happens in Ponyville with him as the main character. See, you can basically write anything you want from this.
The theme is majorly for inspirational purposes.
Happy writting.
/mlpol/ - My Little Politics
Archived thread
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>>241972
>Forgets to include the deadline for this project.
The stories should be done within ten days from now.
>Forgets to include the deadline for this project.
The stories should be done within ten days from now.
Hey Sven, nice to see you’re still doing these. I may have a contribution.
>>242157
Great!
Btw, I saw this, >>240761 →, I can't wait until you request pics for the, "Misunderstood urban youth."
They were funny because they were different stereotypes of these people...NIGGGERS!!!
Great!
Btw, I saw this, >>240761 →, I can't wait until you request pics for the, "Misunderstood urban youth."
They were funny because they were different stereotypes of these people...NIGGGERS!!!
A green man was being lowered down by a rope from the roof of a museum. On the roof stood a pony, who just like the green man had a rope tied around his waist, and a Tabaxi, which was werecat type of creature. The Tabaxi was currently making pulls at a lever that was part of a mechanical tool, which the rope past through and every time he pulled the lever the tool let go of a short length of rope, which lower the green man downwards.
The green man was wearing black clothes. The clothes included were a sweater with a hoodie, which was currently not on his head, a duffle bag on his back which was fasten by its strap, a pair of plain sweatpants, and a pair of running shoes, which weren't completely black due to there being a small, stylized image on the side of them of a white pegasus wing. These shoes were currently used by Anon to push himself from the wall as he dangled from the rope.
After a while, Anon had been lowered past a few stories and was right next to a window. The storey he was next to was the last one that had any windows.
”Scarface! I'm there!” Anon called up to them.
”Right!” the Tabaxi called back to him.
The pony on the roof, who was a dark brown earth-pony stallion with a rotten apple for a cutie mark, climbed off the edge of it and the weight of his body strained the rope. It even made the tool it went through make a foreboding metallic sound. The tool had an upper limit on how much it could take. It was close to that limit. However, this was the reason they sent him down there in the first place because he was strong.
When the Tabaxi had lowered the stallion next to Anon, Anon look down to see a carriage that was attached to four creatures. They were a changeling, a batpony, a gryphon, and a pegasus. The batpony waved at him and Anon tapped a button on a device that hooked around his ear and covered it. It was some sort of earphone but wireless and after Anon had pushed the button on it, he heard a voice.
”Are you in position?” a female voice that came from the device asked.
”Yeah, and we are ready too,” Anon answered.
”Okay, remember, Anon. This can only take a quarter. You have to be back here by then.”
”Meow Or we will leave you behind,” the voice of Scarface was heard through Anon's earphone device.
”Thanks,” said Anon.
”Purr You're welcome.”
”Anon, are you sure you can do this?” the female voice asked.
Anon smirked.
”Yeah, Sunny. Have I ever let you down.”
He heard a sigh coming from the other end of the call.
”No comment. You will need your self-esteem.”
Anon heard muffled laughter coming from the others in the group over the call. He turned towards the earth-pony stallion next to him, who had let out a chuckle, and gave him a, ”Really?” look.
”Hehehe, laugh it up. I'll show you. I'll be back here in ten. Now, are you ready on your end Sunset?” He asked.
”Yes,” she said. ”Start the heist.”
Anon nodded towards Rotten Apple, who was the earth-pony stallion from before, and he got into position. The `position´ being next to the window and with his backside towards it.
Anon began to push away with his feet from the wall and he began to swing up like a pendulum from the wall. Every time he swung back towards the wall he made sure to kick off from it around the window, not on it.
When he felt he had gained enough momentum, he signaled Rotten as he kicked off from the wall. Rotten immediately moved the back leg furthermost away from the wall before his muscles tensed up and he bucked with all he had his hoof into the window.
It blew up.
The surface of the window where the hoof had hit was sent flying inside the room inside the building and a crater had replaced its area on the window, which had fallen off its frame and into the room. The window had even crumpled in on itself.
An alarm bell rang from inside the building and all of the windows, the ones on this storey and the ones on the stories above, were covered by a thick metallic gird that quickly fell behind the windows' frames. But not quick enough.
Rotten had timed his bucking so perfectly so just when Anon swung towards the window, it was destroyed. Anon was tossed through the room but not before cutting the rope off. If he hadn't, he would have been swung straight up into the ceiling after all.
He landed inside by sliding to a halt. However, he didn't stay down for long as he did a kick-up and ran out of the room. Outside of the room was a corridor. The corridor was maneuvered through quickly since not only had Anon reread the layout of the museum to the point where he knew it inside out but he also running like a nigger from the police.
The green man was wearing black clothes. The clothes included were a sweater with a hoodie, which was currently not on his head, a duffle bag on his back which was fasten by its strap, a pair of plain sweatpants, and a pair of running shoes, which weren't completely black due to there being a small, stylized image on the side of them of a white pegasus wing. These shoes were currently used by Anon to push himself from the wall as he dangled from the rope.
After a while, Anon had been lowered past a few stories and was right next to a window. The storey he was next to was the last one that had any windows.
”Scarface! I'm there!” Anon called up to them.
”Right!” the Tabaxi called back to him.
The pony on the roof, who was a dark brown earth-pony stallion with a rotten apple for a cutie mark, climbed off the edge of it and the weight of his body strained the rope. It even made the tool it went through make a foreboding metallic sound. The tool had an upper limit on how much it could take. It was close to that limit. However, this was the reason they sent him down there in the first place because he was strong.
When the Tabaxi had lowered the stallion next to Anon, Anon look down to see a carriage that was attached to four creatures. They were a changeling, a batpony, a gryphon, and a pegasus. The batpony waved at him and Anon tapped a button on a device that hooked around his ear and covered it. It was some sort of earphone but wireless and after Anon had pushed the button on it, he heard a voice.
”Are you in position?” a female voice that came from the device asked.
”Yeah, and we are ready too,” Anon answered.
”Okay, remember, Anon. This can only take a quarter. You have to be back here by then.”
”Meow Or we will leave you behind,” the voice of Scarface was heard through Anon's earphone device.
”Thanks,” said Anon.
”Purr You're welcome.”
”Anon, are you sure you can do this?” the female voice asked.
Anon smirked.
”Yeah, Sunny. Have I ever let you down.”
He heard a sigh coming from the other end of the call.
”No comment. You will need your self-esteem.”
Anon heard muffled laughter coming from the others in the group over the call. He turned towards the earth-pony stallion next to him, who had let out a chuckle, and gave him a, ”Really?” look.
”Hehehe, laugh it up. I'll show you. I'll be back here in ten. Now, are you ready on your end Sunset?” He asked.
”Yes,” she said. ”Start the heist.”
Anon nodded towards Rotten Apple, who was the earth-pony stallion from before, and he got into position. The `position´ being next to the window and with his backside towards it.
Anon began to push away with his feet from the wall and he began to swing up like a pendulum from the wall. Every time he swung back towards the wall he made sure to kick off from it around the window, not on it.
When he felt he had gained enough momentum, he signaled Rotten as he kicked off from the wall. Rotten immediately moved the back leg furthermost away from the wall before his muscles tensed up and he bucked with all he had his hoof into the window.
It blew up.
The surface of the window where the hoof had hit was sent flying inside the room inside the building and a crater had replaced its area on the window, which had fallen off its frame and into the room. The window had even crumpled in on itself.
An alarm bell rang from inside the building and all of the windows, the ones on this storey and the ones on the stories above, were covered by a thick metallic gird that quickly fell behind the windows' frames. But not quick enough.
Rotten had timed his bucking so perfectly so just when Anon swung towards the window, it was destroyed. Anon was tossed through the room but not before cutting the rope off. If he hadn't, he would have been swung straight up into the ceiling after all.
He landed inside by sliding to a halt. However, he didn't stay down for long as he did a kick-up and ran out of the room. Outside of the room was a corridor. The corridor was maneuvered through quickly since not only had Anon reread the layout of the museum to the point where he knew it inside out but he also running like a nigger from the police.
>>242349
Well, I'm not done yet but i will be with in the time limit.
>When proof reading it for some mere minutes reveal continutity errors.
Well, I'm not done yet but i will be with in the time limit.
>When proof reading it for some mere minutes reveal continutity errors.
>>242370
Maybe, but what would anons want as a price?
I could ask the drawfags in the drawthread to assist in this and perhaps find one that will draw a picture of the winner's story. I could also do that myself. Believe it or not my peak preformence is not too shabby.
It all depends on what people want.
Maybe, but what would anons want as a price?
I could ask the drawfags in the drawthread to assist in this and perhaps find one that will draw a picture of the winner's story. I could also do that myself. Believe it or not my peak preformence is not too shabby.
It all depends on what people want.
>>242349
He came to a flight of stairs going down. Instead of running down it, he sprung up to the first step before doing a long-jump. It made him fly over all the steps and he landed on the end of the flight. The landing's impact was reduced by the shoulder roll, which unlike a gymnastic roll went from one shoulder to the opposite hip, Anon transitioned into.
Down the stairs was a door. It was thrown open by Anon, who dropkicked it so that his feet also pushed down the handle of the door when his feet reach it.
On the other side of the door, Anon came to a balcony. The balcony was encapsulation the large hall, which was the entrance hall to the museum, had such a high ceiling that it passed several floors. The floor he was on was four floors above the lowest floor, the floor of the grand hall.
In the middle and near the ceiling of the grand hall was an old airship. It hanged from wires from the ceiling and looked very secure and stable.
Anon looked at it and then at the long-winded spiral staircase near him. He ran towards the place where the balcony of his floor was closest to the ship's hull and he kept his momentum and when he arrived at area closest to the ship, he turned towards the railing. The railing was used as a springboard by Anon. As Anon reach the ship's hull, he in one movement kicked off from it and went flying in the other direction. This kick allowed him to change direction but more importantly allowed him to break his fall by jumping in the other direction.
This trick was enough for me to make the fall survivable but not easy. It all went lightning fast. However, this both mattered and not really because Anon had the technique for both landing and roll ingrained in his spine. While he did focus on preforming the roll, it was more like he was focusing on the timing of the action rather than him thinking about how to do it.
He hit the floor, rolled out and began running again.
While he was running towards his next destination, he tried to feel how his body felt. He felt fine, which was something he didn't feel like trusting. It was hard to believe since it had been such a huge fall and that perhaps his body was running on adrenaline now so it disguised that fact that he was hurt. However, he felt fine and in the end, it didn't matter because it was, "do or get arrested time."
He ran past many exhibits of antique objects in glass boxes. The objects were all worth a fortune on the black market but Anon just ran past them without even so much as glancing at them. His eyes were on a door leading out of the grand hall.
On the door was a sign that read, ”Only Personal,” and Anon did not care. He entered and navigated the place like he was an employee. He did this till he found what he was looking for. A room with and an adjacent door that had a sign on it, which read, ”Archive Vault.” However, the door was not what Anon was looking for. He stopped in the middle of the room and took off his bag.
The bag had been laying on his back from his left shoulder to his right hip. This meant, if he had something in the outer pocket that was on the duffle bag's end that was near that shoulder, it would not be crushed when he shoulder rolled since he used the right shoulder to do so with.
He opened this outer pocket and took out a glass cylinder, which was more like an elonged glass jar since it had a type of lid. The cylinder's contents were visible through the glass. Anon could see that there was a red powdered substance in the end without a lid that covered about half of the cylinder's insides. The other half was a yellow creamy substance. These two substances were separated by a thick plastic disc and they were also free to move. If Anon would shake the cylinder, the yellow substance would also shake and so would the red one inside their compartment.
On the side of the cylinder, a needle was stuck to it by some transparent tape. It was removed and the needle is taken off by Anon. The needle had a peculiar design. The point was thicker than the rest of the needle, which was very thin and it was more than half the length of the cylinder.
Anon put the cylinder on the floor with the lid up in the middle of the room and then brought the needle just above the lid. The lid was removed by Anon. Anon then proceeded to stab the needle through the yellow substance into the plastic disc beneath it. This disc was pierced through after a bit of struggle and the needle reached the red substance. The red substance was quickly meet with the yellow creamy substance poured down the now created hole of the needle. The needle was pushed fully into the glass container before Anon turned the lid on again.
Wherever the red and the yellow substances meet a seething foam appeared but also small flames but this did not concern Anon. He began shaking the cylinder like a cocktail drink. This created, even more, burning white foam in the cylinder. When the cylinder got so hot it almost burned Anon's hands, he, in a fast motion, put it back on the floor lid up and grabbed his bag as he ran out of the room the way he came.
He only managed to put a few rooms between him and the cylinder before a loud rumble from behind him assaulted his ears and the whole room shook. It was shaken so much in fact that cabinets, things on tables, and such in the room fell onto the floor.
He ran back into the room to it in disarray and a large crater where the cylinder had been. The crater was what was interesting for Anon though and he immediately ran up to it to look down it. What he saw was that of the basement floor or the inside of the vault being in a state of chaos. Just like all other adjacent rooms, the blast had shaken the floor so much that its furniture had toppled over but in this case, it could also be due to pieces of the floor that had previously been where the crater now was had been scattered over the room.
He came to a flight of stairs going down. Instead of running down it, he sprung up to the first step before doing a long-jump. It made him fly over all the steps and he landed on the end of the flight. The landing's impact was reduced by the shoulder roll, which unlike a gymnastic roll went from one shoulder to the opposite hip, Anon transitioned into.
Down the stairs was a door. It was thrown open by Anon, who dropkicked it so that his feet also pushed down the handle of the door when his feet reach it.
On the other side of the door, Anon came to a balcony. The balcony was encapsulation the large hall, which was the entrance hall to the museum, had such a high ceiling that it passed several floors. The floor he was on was four floors above the lowest floor, the floor of the grand hall.
In the middle and near the ceiling of the grand hall was an old airship. It hanged from wires from the ceiling and looked very secure and stable.
Anon looked at it and then at the long-winded spiral staircase near him. He ran towards the place where the balcony of his floor was closest to the ship's hull and he kept his momentum and when he arrived at area closest to the ship, he turned towards the railing. The railing was used as a springboard by Anon. As Anon reach the ship's hull, he in one movement kicked off from it and went flying in the other direction. This kick allowed him to change direction but more importantly allowed him to break his fall by jumping in the other direction.
This trick was enough for me to make the fall survivable but not easy. It all went lightning fast. However, this both mattered and not really because Anon had the technique for both landing and roll ingrained in his spine. While he did focus on preforming the roll, it was more like he was focusing on the timing of the action rather than him thinking about how to do it.
He hit the floor, rolled out and began running again.
While he was running towards his next destination, he tried to feel how his body felt. He felt fine, which was something he didn't feel like trusting. It was hard to believe since it had been such a huge fall and that perhaps his body was running on adrenaline now so it disguised that fact that he was hurt. However, he felt fine and in the end, it didn't matter because it was, "do or get arrested time."
He ran past many exhibits of antique objects in glass boxes. The objects were all worth a fortune on the black market but Anon just ran past them without even so much as glancing at them. His eyes were on a door leading out of the grand hall.
On the door was a sign that read, ”Only Personal,” and Anon did not care. He entered and navigated the place like he was an employee. He did this till he found what he was looking for. A room with and an adjacent door that had a sign on it, which read, ”Archive Vault.” However, the door was not what Anon was looking for. He stopped in the middle of the room and took off his bag.
The bag had been laying on his back from his left shoulder to his right hip. This meant, if he had something in the outer pocket that was on the duffle bag's end that was near that shoulder, it would not be crushed when he shoulder rolled since he used the right shoulder to do so with.
He opened this outer pocket and took out a glass cylinder, which was more like an elonged glass jar since it had a type of lid. The cylinder's contents were visible through the glass. Anon could see that there was a red powdered substance in the end without a lid that covered about half of the cylinder's insides. The other half was a yellow creamy substance. These two substances were separated by a thick plastic disc and they were also free to move. If Anon would shake the cylinder, the yellow substance would also shake and so would the red one inside their compartment.
On the side of the cylinder, a needle was stuck to it by some transparent tape. It was removed and the needle is taken off by Anon. The needle had a peculiar design. The point was thicker than the rest of the needle, which was very thin and it was more than half the length of the cylinder.
Anon put the cylinder on the floor with the lid up in the middle of the room and then brought the needle just above the lid. The lid was removed by Anon. Anon then proceeded to stab the needle through the yellow substance into the plastic disc beneath it. This disc was pierced through after a bit of struggle and the needle reached the red substance. The red substance was quickly meet with the yellow creamy substance poured down the now created hole of the needle. The needle was pushed fully into the glass container before Anon turned the lid on again.
Wherever the red and the yellow substances meet a seething foam appeared but also small flames but this did not concern Anon. He began shaking the cylinder like a cocktail drink. This created, even more, burning white foam in the cylinder. When the cylinder got so hot it almost burned Anon's hands, he, in a fast motion, put it back on the floor lid up and grabbed his bag as he ran out of the room the way he came.
He only managed to put a few rooms between him and the cylinder before a loud rumble from behind him assaulted his ears and the whole room shook. It was shaken so much in fact that cabinets, things on tables, and such in the room fell onto the floor.
He ran back into the room to it in disarray and a large crater where the cylinder had been. The crater was what was interesting for Anon though and he immediately ran up to it to look down it. What he saw was that of the basement floor or the inside of the vault being in a state of chaos. Just like all other adjacent rooms, the blast had shaken the floor so much that its furniture had toppled over but in this case, it could also be due to pieces of the floor that had previously been where the crater now was had been scattered over the room.
>>242482
Anon waste no time and hopped down the hole. Down there he saw how bad the damage truly was. Bookshelves had fallen upon others like dominos
Anon waste no time and hopped down the hole. Down there he saw how bad the damage truly was. Bookshelves had fallen upon others like dominos
>>242483
Each one had several others laying upon them after one another.
Anon looked up at the ceiling. Searching for something glowing, Anon walked between the fallen bookshelves and tried to find the right aisle. Aisle 12-C was what he was looking for because there were no bookshelves there, only a row of cabinets, one which contained a certain document he wanted. He and the others in his gang of thieves. Speaking of them, Sunset spoke through the earpiece just when Anon reached the cabinet he was looking for.
”Anon, seven minutes have passed. Where are you?” she asked.
There the cabinet was but it did not stand up it had fallen over and its door was facing down. Down Anon crouched next to it. It laid tightly against the floor but a small crack between it and the floor existed probably due to the hinges on the door. This crack is where Anon stuck his fingers in between and then began to push his legs into the floor as he tried to deadlift or at least budge it somewhat. But nothing.
He grinded his teeth against each other and the pacing of his breathing became quicker.
”Fuck!” he swore.
”What's happening, Anon? Is something wrong?” Sunset asked.
”The fucking cabinet has fallen over,” he growled.
”What do mean?”
Anon tapped himself in the head as he let out a groan.
”Exactly what I said. It has fallen over. The door is against the floor and I can't get it up.”
”Okay, but why has it fallen over?” sunset said a bit disgruntled.
Anon gestured to the hole that he entered through in the ceiling.
”Because of your fucking bomb. This whole floor got turn upside down.”
He grabbed hold of the cabinet's frame again but this time he didn't crouch but instead stepped back with one of his legs. He was trying to turn it onto its side. It seems to be working since he got some wriggle room but then he realized that was just because the cabinet balanced its door's hinges. This did not help him enough to push the cabinet onto its side.
”Look, it was the only way to get through alright. I can't plan for everything.”
”Fuuuck!” Anon shouted as he gave his all to try to tip the cabinet over. The cabinet began to balance on its edge but due to his right hand being sweaty it slid of the edge he was holding, which forced him to abort the attempt.
”What?!”
”This fucking thing!” He kicked the side of the cabinet and it gave away the sound of a dull, `Thunk.´ ”I almost had it. How many minutes have passed?”
There was a pause before he heard Sunset's voice again.
”Three minutes! Anon, you have to leave now! It will anyway take time for you to get back.”
”Damnit no! I'm so close. I will get it in my next attempt. Anway, Scarface, have you see any movement from the wonderbolts? Are they still at the gala?”
”Yes, they are,” the Tabaxi from before answered as he was currently using his binoculars to watch Canterlot castle. ”But I'm not going to wait for you. The royal guards might appear before that and we don't know where they are coming from.”
”Listen to you two. I got this one more try. Just stay put for a bit longer,” Anon said.
He ignored the protests of the others as he focused his mind on the task ahead. To flip the cabinet on its side was something he knew he could do. His sweaty palms had failed him last time. Therefore he wiped them off against his pants and then got into position.
First, he pushed it so that it tipped over on one side of its hinges, which required was the easy part. Secondly, he gathered himself before he extended and pushed away with his legs. His legs that wanted to glide away, even though his shoes usually had a good grip, were stopped by him pushing them into the ground.
A loud, `bang´ echoed throughout the room as the cabinet was tipped over to its side. In this position, it revealed its door.
Anon hunched forward and didn't tip over because his arms supported him by holding onto his knees. On the floor, beneath the knees, a poodle of sweat had gathered. Sweat beads ran down his forehead and he was taking deep breaths. Despite that and feeling a bit dizzy, he pushed himself into action as he crouched down next to the cabinet.
He opened it by the code he had and took out the envelope that had a serial number, which read, ” 1089098489-ABDG.” Then Anon realized that maybe it was more like a safe than cabinet since it required a code to enter.
”-that's why we really can't wait any longer, Anon. Anon? Are you still there? Anon?” Sunset's voice sounded through the earpiece.
”Yes, I'm still there and I got the document now. On my way, back to the window now.”
Anon ran back towards the hole in the ceiling. While he did this, he opened the larger pocket in his duffle bag and put the document there before he zipped the zipper.
”That's great, Anon!” said Sunset.
Each one had several others laying upon them after one another.
Anon looked up at the ceiling. Searching for something glowing, Anon walked between the fallen bookshelves and tried to find the right aisle. Aisle 12-C was what he was looking for because there were no bookshelves there, only a row of cabinets, one which contained a certain document he wanted. He and the others in his gang of thieves. Speaking of them, Sunset spoke through the earpiece just when Anon reached the cabinet he was looking for.
”Anon, seven minutes have passed. Where are you?” she asked.
There the cabinet was but it did not stand up it had fallen over and its door was facing down. Down Anon crouched next to it. It laid tightly against the floor but a small crack between it and the floor existed probably due to the hinges on the door. This crack is where Anon stuck his fingers in between and then began to push his legs into the floor as he tried to deadlift or at least budge it somewhat. But nothing.
He grinded his teeth against each other and the pacing of his breathing became quicker.
”Fuck!” he swore.
”What's happening, Anon? Is something wrong?” Sunset asked.
”The fucking cabinet has fallen over,” he growled.
”What do mean?”
Anon tapped himself in the head as he let out a groan.
”Exactly what I said. It has fallen over. The door is against the floor and I can't get it up.”
”Okay, but why has it fallen over?” sunset said a bit disgruntled.
Anon gestured to the hole that he entered through in the ceiling.
”Because of your fucking bomb. This whole floor got turn upside down.”
He grabbed hold of the cabinet's frame again but this time he didn't crouch but instead stepped back with one of his legs. He was trying to turn it onto its side. It seems to be working since he got some wriggle room but then he realized that was just because the cabinet balanced its door's hinges. This did not help him enough to push the cabinet onto its side.
”Look, it was the only way to get through alright. I can't plan for everything.”
”Fuuuck!” Anon shouted as he gave his all to try to tip the cabinet over. The cabinet began to balance on its edge but due to his right hand being sweaty it slid of the edge he was holding, which forced him to abort the attempt.
”What?!”
”This fucking thing!” He kicked the side of the cabinet and it gave away the sound of a dull, `Thunk.´ ”I almost had it. How many minutes have passed?”
There was a pause before he heard Sunset's voice again.
”Three minutes! Anon, you have to leave now! It will anyway take time for you to get back.”
”Damnit no! I'm so close. I will get it in my next attempt. Anway, Scarface, have you see any movement from the wonderbolts? Are they still at the gala?”
”Yes, they are,” the Tabaxi from before answered as he was currently using his binoculars to watch Canterlot castle. ”But I'm not going to wait for you. The royal guards might appear before that and we don't know where they are coming from.”
”Listen to you two. I got this one more try. Just stay put for a bit longer,” Anon said.
He ignored the protests of the others as he focused his mind on the task ahead. To flip the cabinet on its side was something he knew he could do. His sweaty palms had failed him last time. Therefore he wiped them off against his pants and then got into position.
First, he pushed it so that it tipped over on one side of its hinges, which required was the easy part. Secondly, he gathered himself before he extended and pushed away with his legs. His legs that wanted to glide away, even though his shoes usually had a good grip, were stopped by him pushing them into the ground.
A loud, `bang´ echoed throughout the room as the cabinet was tipped over to its side. In this position, it revealed its door.
Anon hunched forward and didn't tip over because his arms supported him by holding onto his knees. On the floor, beneath the knees, a poodle of sweat had gathered. Sweat beads ran down his forehead and he was taking deep breaths. Despite that and feeling a bit dizzy, he pushed himself into action as he crouched down next to the cabinet.
He opened it by the code he had and took out the envelope that had a serial number, which read, ” 1089098489-ABDG.” Then Anon realized that maybe it was more like a safe than cabinet since it required a code to enter.
”-that's why we really can't wait any longer, Anon. Anon? Are you still there? Anon?” Sunset's voice sounded through the earpiece.
”Yes, I'm still there and I got the document now. On my way, back to the window now.”
Anon ran back towards the hole in the ceiling. While he did this, he opened the larger pocket in his duffle bag and put the document there before he zipped the zipper.
”That's great, Anon!” said Sunset.
>>242704
”Is it though? He is late. He will never make it back in time. I'm leaving!” Scarface said.
”Nooo! We still got time, damn it!” Sunset said.
But Anon heard over the com the sound of flying carriage drifting away on streets.
Anon had just climbed up out of the hole, run up the stairs and was about to get back to the room he came from when he heard Sunset over the com.
”I'm sorry, Anon but I will abandon you as well. Do not hate me for this but I will shut off the radio communication now, bye forever.”
”Nooooooooooooo, Sunset. Don't do it!!!!!”
*Click.*
Anon then opened the door to the room he entered the building from. The room was walked through and Anon came to the window he had exited from before.
The metal grid that had covered it was gone now due to Anon having started the fire alarm, which in the faulty museum's security system made this specific window remove its metal grid.
Outside the window, Anon saw that carriage was gone and he then turned to watch the clock on the wall inside the room. It should that he was back before fifteen minutes had passed.
Rainbow Dash and the Wonderbolts came shortly after and found Anon on his knees with his outstretched in the air dramatically.
He had realized that the ones he loved and trusted had not kept their promise and abandon him. He had been abandon by everyone even Sunset. One could truly not trust anyone. All beings were driven by selfish desires. Oh, what a world.
Rainbow Dash walked up to him and said.
”Okay, big guy. You are under arrest for-”
But she was interrupted by Anon.
”YOU'RE TEARING ME APART SUNSET!!!!”
”Is it though? He is late. He will never make it back in time. I'm leaving!” Scarface said.
”Nooo! We still got time, damn it!” Sunset said.
But Anon heard over the com the sound of flying carriage drifting away on streets.
Anon had just climbed up out of the hole, run up the stairs and was about to get back to the room he came from when he heard Sunset over the com.
”I'm sorry, Anon but I will abandon you as well. Do not hate me for this but I will shut off the radio communication now, bye forever.”
”Nooooooooooooo, Sunset. Don't do it!!!!!”
*Click.*
Anon then opened the door to the room he entered the building from. The room was walked through and Anon came to the window he had exited from before.
The metal grid that had covered it was gone now due to Anon having started the fire alarm, which in the faulty museum's security system made this specific window remove its metal grid.
Outside the window, Anon saw that carriage was gone and he then turned to watch the clock on the wall inside the room. It should that he was back before fifteen minutes had passed.
Rainbow Dash and the Wonderbolts came shortly after and found Anon on his knees with his outstretched in the air dramatically.
He had realized that the ones he loved and trusted had not kept their promise and abandon him. He had been abandon by everyone even Sunset. One could truly not trust anyone. All beings were driven by selfish desires. Oh, what a world.
Rainbow Dash walked up to him and said.
”Okay, big guy. You are under arrest for-”
But she was interrupted by Anon.
”YOU'RE TEARING ME APART SUNSET!!!!”
I have thought about this before but I truly am the inverse Placeholder. Placeholder write just the barebones of things and his dialogue is a bit stilted. My writting is the opposite, I waste everybodies fucking time with extranous details and never get to the point. While my dialogue isn't stilted, most of it is just unecessary.
Oh, man. I thought I had solved my issue with pacing but apperently not. I mean look at this fucking garbage I just produced. It has begining, a middle, and end. Sure, but everything is so bloated. Like if the story is a about a theif who gets left behind by his comrads on heist that goes wrong, then WTF is up with all this parkour nonsense? I guess one could argue that is adds to the immersion, as showing that Anoon is competent theif, but the same could have been down so much easier. I could just have Anon pick a door lock or something.
I know where these problems stem from. It is from my appriciation of the rule, "Show, don't tell," that my writting suffers. The thing about showing over telling, though, is that I'm suppose to do two things: Not break the immersion of the story and be concise with my writting. It is the latter part where I struggle becasue... Well... I'm too autistic.
Afterall, pacing is about where you focus your attention and description. Or something like that. At least, I know you don't want to describe a frying pan to ridicolous levels if it ain't important to the plot. But the reverse is also true, that you do want take your time to describe things that are important to the plot. So my problem is to understand which scenes these are(maybe not so much) and how much is enough but also not too little for a minor scene.
Okay, so an example. Character A is a fighter. This is his first fight and he is just going to fight against a couple of goonsthat are not really relevant to the story at large but are therre to introduce us to the fact taht A can fight.
If Placeholder would be writting this scene, he would write it like this:
>A got into fighting position.
>The enemies charged at him.
>After a bit of struggle, A knocked them all out by kicking each one in the face.
>He won.
I on the other hand would write it like this:
>The fist goon ran up to A and fired off a punch towards his face with his left hand.
>A doged by jerking backwards.
>His face barely avoided geting hit.
>...
>...
>...
>...
>...
>Anon, who was still fighting the first goon saw that the others had gotten themselves bags of popcorn, which they were now muching on.
I exaggerate. There iss some truth to this though and while an detailed action scene might not be boring to read tosome compared to just description about something more mundane, in this example this is just suppoe to be a scene where it is established that A is a good fighter. If it gets a life of its own, the rest of the story will sufffer because the plot will basically be on hold till it is over.
So yeah, rant over.
Oh, man. I thought I had solved my issue with pacing but apperently not. I mean look at this fucking garbage I just produced. It has begining, a middle, and end. Sure, but everything is so bloated. Like if the story is a about a theif who gets left behind by his comrads on heist that goes wrong, then WTF is up with all this parkour nonsense? I guess one could argue that is adds to the immersion, as showing that Anoon is competent theif, but the same could have been down so much easier. I could just have Anon pick a door lock or something.
I know where these problems stem from. It is from my appriciation of the rule, "Show, don't tell," that my writting suffers. The thing about showing over telling, though, is that I'm suppose to do two things: Not break the immersion of the story and be concise with my writting. It is the latter part where I struggle becasue... Well... I'm too autistic.
Afterall, pacing is about where you focus your attention and description. Or something like that. At least, I know you don't want to describe a frying pan to ridicolous levels if it ain't important to the plot. But the reverse is also true, that you do want take your time to describe things that are important to the plot. So my problem is to understand which scenes these are(maybe not so much) and how much is enough but also not too little for a minor scene.
Okay, so an example. Character A is a fighter. This is his first fight and he is just going to fight against a couple of goonsthat are not really relevant to the story at large but are therre to introduce us to the fact taht A can fight.
If Placeholder would be writting this scene, he would write it like this:
>A got into fighting position.
>The enemies charged at him.
>After a bit of struggle, A knocked them all out by kicking each one in the face.
>He won.
I on the other hand would write it like this:
>The fist goon ran up to A and fired off a punch towards his face with his left hand.
>A doged by jerking backwards.
>His face barely avoided geting hit.
>...
>...
>...
>...
>...
>Anon, who was still fighting the first goon saw that the others had gotten themselves bags of popcorn, which they were now muching on.
I exaggerate. There iss some truth to this though and while an detailed action scene might not be boring to read tosome compared to just description about something more mundane, in this example this is just suppoe to be a scene where it is established that A is a good fighter. If it gets a life of its own, the rest of the story will sufffer because the plot will basically be on hold till it is over.
So yeah, rant over.
>>242716
I guess I should make it clear that I do not mean any disrespect towards Placeholder. Just saying that we could really learn from each other or well, I haven't read anything from him in a while. Maybe he has gotten better at that.
I guess I should make it clear that I do not mean any disrespect towards Placeholder. Just saying that we could really learn from each other or well, I haven't read anything from him in a while. Maybe he has gotten better at that.
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>>242726
That does look tasty. I like to imagine that the muffin just came out from the oven and its dough has yet to solidify. The hot dough then gets sucked through the straw and melts on her tongue. Mmmm.
However, I don't know what you want to convey with a reaction image like this. Derpy's expression is kinda unreadable after all. You will have to clarify.
Another Nigel-tier rant in-coming...
I know I can't force anyone. Even if I want to... But I do like these threads. Ever since the success of the first one, which it was. Just check it out, https://mlpol.net/mlpol/archive/res/197973.html
A good time was had by all and that's what I want to do with these threads. The point isn't who wins but just writing a small silly story and share it with other Anons with similar interests. That's why the second competition thread I made failed, https://mlpol.net/mlpol/archive/res/213469.html , even though it seemed to had more goodwill than the previous one, but it failed because it was too complicated and it was too big. You gained less from writing than the effort you put in; It was like a serious competition without a serious price to go along with it.
This is not what I want to do with these threads. They are supposed to be some kind of community get-together amongst the writers here. This is why the entries from now on can only be short stories because they are not that demanding to write. Anyone here can type one-thousand words on like max three hours or something and not get stuck on that arbitrary number, in the future I will have no limits at all for the stories posted (any contribution will do), but it is more to make a point.
Another thing about these threads that were lost in the second installment was that these competitions are less about who wins and more about having fun and expression ourselves. The part of the fun is especially important. These threads are supposed to be lighthearted or that is what I want to get to, if not before, now anyway. This is actually connected to the other part about expressing ourselves.
I want you to unleash your autism like a cannon shot.
The anons of this community are pretty similar but not without our differences either. I love the (((diversity))) among the writers of this board.
I want to read stories from our two edgelords: Lone15 and Placeholder(the german on in the first thread). I want to reply to their posts with Higarshi reaction gifs.
I like for our local pervert, Canda-sama to write a horsefucking story and for me to reply to it with, ”Okay, it's well made and kinda hot at times but did you have to write the ponies to be anatomically correct? I mean horsepussy is just a meme, right? I mean they are kinda weird looking.” Only to the meet with replies calling me a faggot and even have the mods write in their fancy green text on my post that, ”Son, you sure are gay.”
I love to read entries from the, ”WHATTHEFUCKISGOINGON?!”-squad, which consists of OcultFacade and Dusker. I like to sit down and read their stories. And then read it again and then again and still not get it.
I want the filler-king, Rueben to waste my time.
I want the guy who can't write serious stories, Kingbattlebrit, to write the most meta crock of a shitpost ever.
I would like Nigel to make feel like an autistic reject again and not this rebel against ZOG.
I hope I can raise the dead: The guy who wrote the manos series, the guy who wrote this >>146529 → , and Canda-sempai.
I also want this silly, easy, and simple stories on the thread to inspire and to make other anons try their hand at writing only for them to realize that it is not so hard (to be averagely good at it).
I wish this can become like a game night, were you and a couple of buddies gather at someone's place, take a couple of drinks, and play a board game but for writers.
This is why I won't stop here. I will redo this thread on Friday. This one won't have any word count restriction you need to keep track of or a theme you need to adhere to. Just come and type something extremely autistic or whatever you like. This one will only be three days, during the weekend. After that, we wait for Glimglam to determine a winner and that will be it.
The next time, I won't pressure myself. I will just write a short silly story and that will be it. There won't be any need for any complex story arch or an arch at all for that matter. Just a bunch of text.
So please, hang out with me. It will be fun.
That does look tasty. I like to imagine that the muffin just came out from the oven and its dough has yet to solidify. The hot dough then gets sucked through the straw and melts on her tongue. Mmmm.
However, I don't know what you want to convey with a reaction image like this. Derpy's expression is kinda unreadable after all. You will have to clarify.
Another Nigel-tier rant in-coming...
I know I can't force anyone. Even if I want to... But I do like these threads. Ever since the success of the first one, which it was. Just check it out, https://mlpol.net/mlpol/archive/res/197973.html
A good time was had by all and that's what I want to do with these threads. The point isn't who wins but just writing a small silly story and share it with other Anons with similar interests. That's why the second competition thread I made failed, https://mlpol.net/mlpol/archive/res/213469.html , even though it seemed to had more goodwill than the previous one, but it failed because it was too complicated and it was too big. You gained less from writing than the effort you put in; It was like a serious competition without a serious price to go along with it.
This is not what I want to do with these threads. They are supposed to be some kind of community get-together amongst the writers here. This is why the entries from now on can only be short stories because they are not that demanding to write. Anyone here can type one-thousand words on like max three hours or something and not get stuck on that arbitrary number, in the future I will have no limits at all for the stories posted (any contribution will do), but it is more to make a point.
Another thing about these threads that were lost in the second installment was that these competitions are less about who wins and more about having fun and expression ourselves. The part of the fun is especially important. These threads are supposed to be lighthearted or that is what I want to get to, if not before, now anyway. This is actually connected to the other part about expressing ourselves.
I want you to unleash your autism like a cannon shot.
The anons of this community are pretty similar but not without our differences either. I love the (((diversity))) among the writers of this board.
I want to read stories from our two edgelords: Lone15 and Placeholder(the german on in the first thread). I want to reply to their posts with Higarshi reaction gifs.
I like for our local pervert, Canda-sama to write a horsefucking story and for me to reply to it with, ”Okay, it's well made and kinda hot at times but did you have to write the ponies to be anatomically correct? I mean horsepussy is just a meme, right? I mean they are kinda weird looking.” Only to the meet with replies calling me a faggot and even have the mods write in their fancy green text on my post that, ”Son, you sure are gay.”
I love to read entries from the, ”WHATTHEFUCKISGOINGON?!”-squad, which consists of OcultFacade and Dusker. I like to sit down and read their stories. And then read it again and then again and still not get it.
I want the filler-king, Rueben to waste my time.
I want the guy who can't write serious stories, Kingbattlebrit, to write the most meta crock of a shitpost ever.
I would like Nigel to make feel like an autistic reject again and not this rebel against ZOG.
I hope I can raise the dead: The guy who wrote the manos series, the guy who wrote this >>146529 → , and Canda-sempai.
I also want this silly, easy, and simple stories on the thread to inspire and to make other anons try their hand at writing only for them to realize that it is not so hard (to be averagely good at it).
I wish this can become like a game night, were you and a couple of buddies gather at someone's place, take a couple of drinks, and play a board game but for writers.
This is why I won't stop here. I will redo this thread on Friday. This one won't have any word count restriction you need to keep track of or a theme you need to adhere to. Just come and type something extremely autistic or whatever you like. This one will only be three days, during the weekend. After that, we wait for Glimglam to determine a winner and that will be it.
The next time, I won't pressure myself. I will just write a short silly story and that will be it. There won't be any need for any complex story arch or an arch at all for that matter. Just a bunch of text.
So please, hang out with me. It will be fun.
>>242778
That hit me right in the feels.
I... kept putting off writing something... it's the same thing that happened last time in the last competition.
Also in the anonfilly thread...
I'm sorry.
I'll start writing a story since today is Mon-
It's Tuesday already?!
That hit me right in the feels.
I... kept putting off writing something... it's the same thing that happened last time in the last competition.
Also in the anonfilly thread...
I'm sorry.
I'll start writing a story since today is Mon-
It's Tuesday already?!
>>242789
Hehe, dude don't worry about. Don't feel guilty. In the weekend we're gonna have good time you and I.
Hehe, dude don't worry about. Don't feel guilty. In the weekend we're gonna have good time you and I.
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Apologies for reviews coming well over a week late. I had surgery recently and have mostly been binging on TV and books, and generally avoiding anything requiring effort. Anyway it looks as if there was only one entry, which seems to be from the OP, unless we have multiple Swedes. I'm not entirely certain if I'm still supposed to be acting as contest judge; but, on the other hand, I see text, and I'm in a critical mood, so here goes.
>>242349
To save myself the trouble of pointing out multiple similar errors, I'll begin with the observation that this text already has multiple ESL-related grammatical issues. Mostly it's simple stuff that nonetheless stands out: "the rope past through" instead of "the rope passed through," "which lower the green man downwards" instead of "which lowered the green man downwards," etc. Again, it would be cumbersome to point out every single one of these in the text, and I can forgive a fair amount of it due to ESL. However, it's worth mentioning that it's noticeable and detracts from the story. You may want to consider signing up for Grammarly or something similar and running your works through it before publishing, as I recall this being an issue with the last thing I read from you.
Now that that's out of the way, we can begin to address the content.
>On the roof stood a pony, who just like the green man had a rope tied around his waist, and a Tabaxi, which was a werecat type of creature.
You should probably make a bit more of an effort to describe the Tabaxi, rather than just casually mentioning that it's a werecat type of creature. For one thing, "werecat" doesn't really give the reader any more of a visual than "Tabaxi" does. What is a werecat exactly? What does it look like? Does it have fur or skin? Does it walk on two legs or four? The reader has no idea, so you need to paint them a picture. Also, the way you just clumsily drop in an explanation for an unfamiliar word makes it feel like you're breaking your narrative, sort of like if an actor in a movie suddenly turned to the camera and explained some plot detail to the audience. It kills the suspension of disbelief for just a second. The main thing that does this is the word "which". You should also separate the Tabaxi bit from the description of the pony, rather than trying to jam it all into a single sentence. I'd probably rewrite it thusly:
>On the roof stood a pony, who just like the green man had a rope tied around his waist. Next to him, a Tabaxi was pulling at the levers of a mechanical tool. His big, meaty paws made short, calculated jerking motions that let the rope down inch by inch. Beads of sweat ran down his thick hairy neck as he stared in icy concentration at the tool, while his 36 inch dick swung lazily in the breeze between his bulbous and distended kneecaps.
Notice what I've done here. Instead of breaking away from the narrative to describe the Tabaxi, I drop in a physical description while simultaneously describing the action going on in the story. Rather than focusing on what a Tabaxi is, I focus on what it is doing, and casually mention some of the creature's physical characteristics while I'm at it. We now have a visual image not only of the creature, but of the scene. Even though the reader has probably never heard of a Tabaxi before, I don't need to break away from the story to describe it to them, because they already know that it is a creature with big meaty paws, a thick hairy neck, a 36 inch dick, and bulbous, distended kneecaps. For the record, I have no idea if this is really what a Tabaxi looks like, but since you, the writer, have failed to provide me with an adequate visual image, I have no choice but to fill in the blanks from my imagination. Feel free to substitute your own physical descriptions in place of mine.
>The green man was wearing black clothes. The clothes included were a sweater with a hoodie, which was currently not on his head, a duffle bag on his back which was fastened by its strap, a pair of plain sweatpants, and a pair of running shoes, which weren't completely black due to there being a small, stylized image on the side of them of a white pegasus wing. These shoes were currently used by Anon to push himself from the wall as he dangled from the rope.
This is also pretty clumsy visual description. We probably don't need a complete inventory of everything the character is wearing. If you feel that it's necessary to include all of this info, try to do it the way I illustrated above, where you focus on action and casually describe the character while you're doing it.
For instance, the first sentence in this paragraph is "The green man was wearing black clothes." Think about it for a second. Is that really the first thing the reader needs to know about the green man? You then go on to say "The clothes included were a sweater with a hoodie..." which is then followed by an itemized list of everything he's got on. This whole paragraph reads like someone's laundry list, and you don't even mention the far more interesting fact that the guy is rappelling down the side of a building until literally the end of the paragraph. Also, try not to include unnecessary details. For instance, how important is it really that the hood for his sweater is not on his head? Does the reader really need to know about the pegasus wing insignia on the side of his shoes? It's clear you have a very vivid image of this guy in your head while writing, and that's good, but you need to filter out the stuff the reader doesn't need to know. You can always mention it later if it turns out to be important.
>>242349
To save myself the trouble of pointing out multiple similar errors, I'll begin with the observation that this text already has multiple ESL-related grammatical issues. Mostly it's simple stuff that nonetheless stands out: "the rope past through" instead of "the rope passed through," "which lower the green man downwards" instead of "which lowered the green man downwards," etc. Again, it would be cumbersome to point out every single one of these in the text, and I can forgive a fair amount of it due to ESL. However, it's worth mentioning that it's noticeable and detracts from the story. You may want to consider signing up for Grammarly or something similar and running your works through it before publishing, as I recall this being an issue with the last thing I read from you.
Now that that's out of the way, we can begin to address the content.
>On the roof stood a pony, who just like the green man had a rope tied around his waist, and a Tabaxi, which was a werecat type of creature.
You should probably make a bit more of an effort to describe the Tabaxi, rather than just casually mentioning that it's a werecat type of creature. For one thing, "werecat" doesn't really give the reader any more of a visual than "Tabaxi" does. What is a werecat exactly? What does it look like? Does it have fur or skin? Does it walk on two legs or four? The reader has no idea, so you need to paint them a picture. Also, the way you just clumsily drop in an explanation for an unfamiliar word makes it feel like you're breaking your narrative, sort of like if an actor in a movie suddenly turned to the camera and explained some plot detail to the audience. It kills the suspension of disbelief for just a second. The main thing that does this is the word "which". You should also separate the Tabaxi bit from the description of the pony, rather than trying to jam it all into a single sentence. I'd probably rewrite it thusly:
>On the roof stood a pony, who just like the green man had a rope tied around his waist. Next to him, a Tabaxi was pulling at the levers of a mechanical tool. His big, meaty paws made short, calculated jerking motions that let the rope down inch by inch. Beads of sweat ran down his thick hairy neck as he stared in icy concentration at the tool, while his 36 inch dick swung lazily in the breeze between his bulbous and distended kneecaps.
Notice what I've done here. Instead of breaking away from the narrative to describe the Tabaxi, I drop in a physical description while simultaneously describing the action going on in the story. Rather than focusing on what a Tabaxi is, I focus on what it is doing, and casually mention some of the creature's physical characteristics while I'm at it. We now have a visual image not only of the creature, but of the scene. Even though the reader has probably never heard of a Tabaxi before, I don't need to break away from the story to describe it to them, because they already know that it is a creature with big meaty paws, a thick hairy neck, a 36 inch dick, and bulbous, distended kneecaps. For the record, I have no idea if this is really what a Tabaxi looks like, but since you, the writer, have failed to provide me with an adequate visual image, I have no choice but to fill in the blanks from my imagination. Feel free to substitute your own physical descriptions in place of mine.
>The green man was wearing black clothes. The clothes included were a sweater with a hoodie, which was currently not on his head, a duffle bag on his back which was fastened by its strap, a pair of plain sweatpants, and a pair of running shoes, which weren't completely black due to there being a small, stylized image on the side of them of a white pegasus wing. These shoes were currently used by Anon to push himself from the wall as he dangled from the rope.
This is also pretty clumsy visual description. We probably don't need a complete inventory of everything the character is wearing. If you feel that it's necessary to include all of this info, try to do it the way I illustrated above, where you focus on action and casually describe the character while you're doing it.
For instance, the first sentence in this paragraph is "The green man was wearing black clothes." Think about it for a second. Is that really the first thing the reader needs to know about the green man? You then go on to say "The clothes included were a sweater with a hoodie..." which is then followed by an itemized list of everything he's got on. This whole paragraph reads like someone's laundry list, and you don't even mention the far more interesting fact that the guy is rappelling down the side of a building until literally the end of the paragraph. Also, try not to include unnecessary details. For instance, how important is it really that the hood for his sweater is not on his head? Does the reader really need to know about the pegasus wing insignia on the side of his shoes? It's clear you have a very vivid image of this guy in your head while writing, and that's good, but you need to filter out the stuff the reader doesn't need to know. You can always mention it later if it turns out to be important.
>>244970
>>242349
Alright, so it looks like our scene so far is some sort of breaking and entering operation, possibly a burglary or espionage situation. As far as the scene itself goes, this is a good opening for a story. You pique the reader's curiosity by laying out an interesting scene, but not explaining the context or what exactly is going on. We've got Anon, a pony, and some type of werecat creature with meaty paws and a 36 inch dick trying to break into a building by rappelling down the side of it. What are they up to? Are they window cleaners? Base jumpers? Are they here to steal the Declaration of Independence? We don't know, and if we want to know we are going to have to keep reading to find out.
>The pony on the roof, who was a dark brown earth-pony stallion with a rotten apple for a cutie mark, climbed off the edge of it and the weight of his body strained the rope. It even made the tool it went through make a foreboding metallic sound. The tool had an upper limit on how much it could take. It was close to that limit. However, this was the reason they sent him down there in the first place because he was strong.
Try to avoid saying things like "who was" or "which is" in the text of a story. You want to tell the story without sounding like you're telling a story, if that makes sense. Also, try to avoid run-on sentences when possible. For instance, that first bit should probably be rewritten like this:
>The pony on the roof, a dark brown earth-pony stallion with a rotten apple for a cutie mark, climbed off the edge. The weight of his body strained the rope, and the tool made a foreboding metallic sound.
You'll note that I removed "who was" from the description of the pony. I separated his climbing off the edge from the straining of the rope and the mechanical noise into two separate sentences, since even though they relate to the same event, they deal with two separate things. On the one hand is the pony who is climbing off the edge of the roof, and on the other is the effect that this action is having on the equipment he is using. Beyond these simple modifications, I left your original text basically intact, but I think you'll agree that it reads a little better.
Anyway, moving on. The pony lowers himself next to Anon, and we are introduced to a few new characters. We learn that there is some type of ground crew at the bottom, driving the vehicle that will no doubt cart away the Declaration of Independence once our intrepid team manages to steal it. We also meet a yet to be introduced female character, who appears only as a voice in Anon's earpiece.
I'd actually like to take a moment to say that your dialog here is quite good. The flow is good and it reads like a believable conversation. The playful banter between Anon and the unseen Sunset character gives us a brief insight into the relationship between these two characters. It also conveniently drops in the name of the female character, and gives us a slight idea of what is going on in the scene. We still don't know what exactly Anon and co. are trying to do, but we know that they're attempting some kind of difficult job or heist, that probably requires some level of finesse beyond the abilities of the average individual. We also get a sense that this group works together regularly, and that there is some degree of friendly competition between them. We also learn that Scarface, the well-hung werecat, has an annoying desu-like habit of interjecting cat noises into everyday conversation. I'll warn you that this could make me want to punch him at some point. Finally, at the end of the dialog segment, our original suspicions are confirmed, and we learn that this is indeed a heist. Excellent work here; you convey information and move the story along through the use of natural-sounding dialog that is easy and enjoyable to read. Do more of this.
>Anon nodded towards Rotten Apple, who was the earth-pony stallion from before, and he got into position. The `position´ being next to the window and with his backside towards it.
I'll once again mention that you should refrain from saying "who was" whenever possible. "Anon nodded towards Rotten Apple, the earth-pony stallion from before, and he got into position" would work just as well. Also, "The 'position' being next to the window..." is another clumsy passage that should be changed. When you're writing in 3rd person omniscient like this you want the narration to be as unobtrusive as possible, and generally you don't want the story to read as if it's being read out loud by someone. There are ways to use that type of narration as a literary device, but I don't get the sense that this is what you're going for here. For this passage, you could just say something like:
>Anon nodded towards Rotten Apple, the earth pony stallion from before. He got into position, next to the window with his backside pointed towards it.
In this case, I simply appended a brief explanation of the position Rotten Apple is moving into, and since this created a run-on sentence, broke it apart.
>The surface of the window where the hoof had hit was sent flying inside the room inside the building and a crater had replaced its area on the window, which had fallen off its frame and into the room. The window had even crumpled in on itself.
I'm too tired to pull this passage apart right now, but suffice it to say that it could do with a rewrite. Try to strike a balance between writing sentences that convey information but are still aesthetically pleasant to read. Also, watch out for run-ons.
>The corridor was maneuvered through quickly since not only had Anon reread the layout of the museum to the point where he knew it inside out but he also running like a nigger from the police.
This is also a run-on. Try to break your stream of consciousness narrative into concepts and write a sentence to address each concept.
>>242349
Alright, so it looks like our scene so far is some sort of breaking and entering operation, possibly a burglary or espionage situation. As far as the scene itself goes, this is a good opening for a story. You pique the reader's curiosity by laying out an interesting scene, but not explaining the context or what exactly is going on. We've got Anon, a pony, and some type of werecat creature with meaty paws and a 36 inch dick trying to break into a building by rappelling down the side of it. What are they up to? Are they window cleaners? Base jumpers? Are they here to steal the Declaration of Independence? We don't know, and if we want to know we are going to have to keep reading to find out.
>The pony on the roof, who was a dark brown earth-pony stallion with a rotten apple for a cutie mark, climbed off the edge of it and the weight of his body strained the rope. It even made the tool it went through make a foreboding metallic sound. The tool had an upper limit on how much it could take. It was close to that limit. However, this was the reason they sent him down there in the first place because he was strong.
Try to avoid saying things like "who was" or "which is" in the text of a story. You want to tell the story without sounding like you're telling a story, if that makes sense. Also, try to avoid run-on sentences when possible. For instance, that first bit should probably be rewritten like this:
>The pony on the roof, a dark brown earth-pony stallion with a rotten apple for a cutie mark, climbed off the edge. The weight of his body strained the rope, and the tool made a foreboding metallic sound.
You'll note that I removed "who was" from the description of the pony. I separated his climbing off the edge from the straining of the rope and the mechanical noise into two separate sentences, since even though they relate to the same event, they deal with two separate things. On the one hand is the pony who is climbing off the edge of the roof, and on the other is the effect that this action is having on the equipment he is using. Beyond these simple modifications, I left your original text basically intact, but I think you'll agree that it reads a little better.
Anyway, moving on. The pony lowers himself next to Anon, and we are introduced to a few new characters. We learn that there is some type of ground crew at the bottom, driving the vehicle that will no doubt cart away the Declaration of Independence once our intrepid team manages to steal it. We also meet a yet to be introduced female character, who appears only as a voice in Anon's earpiece.
I'd actually like to take a moment to say that your dialog here is quite good. The flow is good and it reads like a believable conversation. The playful banter between Anon and the unseen Sunset character gives us a brief insight into the relationship between these two characters. It also conveniently drops in the name of the female character, and gives us a slight idea of what is going on in the scene. We still don't know what exactly Anon and co. are trying to do, but we know that they're attempting some kind of difficult job or heist, that probably requires some level of finesse beyond the abilities of the average individual. We also get a sense that this group works together regularly, and that there is some degree of friendly competition between them. We also learn that Scarface, the well-hung werecat, has an annoying desu-like habit of interjecting cat noises into everyday conversation. I'll warn you that this could make me want to punch him at some point. Finally, at the end of the dialog segment, our original suspicions are confirmed, and we learn that this is indeed a heist. Excellent work here; you convey information and move the story along through the use of natural-sounding dialog that is easy and enjoyable to read. Do more of this.
>Anon nodded towards Rotten Apple, who was the earth-pony stallion from before, and he got into position. The `position´ being next to the window and with his backside towards it.
I'll once again mention that you should refrain from saying "who was" whenever possible. "Anon nodded towards Rotten Apple, the earth-pony stallion from before, and he got into position" would work just as well. Also, "The 'position' being next to the window..." is another clumsy passage that should be changed. When you're writing in 3rd person omniscient like this you want the narration to be as unobtrusive as possible, and generally you don't want the story to read as if it's being read out loud by someone. There are ways to use that type of narration as a literary device, but I don't get the sense that this is what you're going for here. For this passage, you could just say something like:
>Anon nodded towards Rotten Apple, the earth pony stallion from before. He got into position, next to the window with his backside pointed towards it.
In this case, I simply appended a brief explanation of the position Rotten Apple is moving into, and since this created a run-on sentence, broke it apart.
>The surface of the window where the hoof had hit was sent flying inside the room inside the building and a crater had replaced its area on the window, which had fallen off its frame and into the room. The window had even crumpled in on itself.
I'm too tired to pull this passage apart right now, but suffice it to say that it could do with a rewrite. Try to strike a balance between writing sentences that convey information but are still aesthetically pleasant to read. Also, watch out for run-ons.
>The corridor was maneuvered through quickly since not only had Anon reread the layout of the museum to the point where he knew it inside out but he also running like a nigger from the police.
This is also a run-on. Try to break your stream of consciousness narrative into concepts and write a sentence to address each concept.
>>242482
>>244976
>The landing's impact was reduced by the shoulder roll, which unlike a gymnastic roll went from one shoulder to the opposite hip, Anon transitioned into.
This sentence is a little unclear, particularly "Anon transitioned into." What is he transitioning into? Considering >flag I'm not sure I want to know.
>Down the stairs was a door. It was thrown open by Anon, who dropkicked it so that his feet also pushed down the handle of the door when his feet reach it.
This is a tad verbose. You could probably describe the same action using a lot less words. For one thing, you have two verbs here that both refer to the action of opening the door: "thrown" and "dropkicked." You should pick one and run with it. I personally would choose dropkicked. The reader can probably infer that the door would be thrown open simply from that. Also, it is usually much less awkward to say "Anon opened the door" rather than "The door was opened by Anon." The bit about the handle turning is just an unnecessary detail that can probably be omitted.
>The balcony was encapsulation the large hall, which was the entrance hall to the museum, had such a high ceiling that it passed several floors.
*cringes internally*
>He ran towards the place where the balcony of his floor was closest to the ship's hull and he kept his momentum and when he arrived at area closest to the ship, he turned towards the railing.
Keep an eye out for those run-on sentences. Usually any sentence that reads like "Anon did this, and then he did this, and then he did this, and then he did that." should be seen as a red flag. There's no hard and fast rule for how to break these sentences up, but try to divide them into easily digestible chunks where each sentence deals with a specific concept.
>This trick was enough for me to make the fall survivable but not easy.
*cringes externally*
>On the door was a sign that read, ”Only Personal,” and Anon did not care.
It's good that Anon does not take these things personally. All jokes aside, this may be another ESL thing, but it's worth pointing out that "personal" and "personnel" are two different words that mean two vastly different things, yet are nonetheless often confused with each other. "Personal" is an adjective which refers to something of or belonging to a given individual, such as "personal hygiene," "personal space" or "nothing personal, kid." "Personnel" is a noun that refers to employees of an organization. I'm assuming in this case you meant to say "Only personnel," which is still a bit awkward. "Personnel Only" or, better yet, "Authorized Personnel Only" is usually how these types of signs are written. Don't feel bad, even native English speakers confuse these two words fairly often, but it's one of those your/you're type things that ruffles the feathers of grammar Nazis like myself, and I felt obliged to point it out.
>A room withand an adjacent door that had a sign on it, which read, ”Archive Vault.”
>However, the door was not what Anon was looking for.
Why mention it then?
>The bag had been laying on his back from his left shoulder to his right hip. This meant, if he had something in the outer pocket that was on the duffle bag's end that was near that shoulder, it would not be crushed when he shoulder rolled since he used the right shoulder to do so with.
You're veering into autistic levels of detail here. It's good that you have a clear mental image of what exactly this character is doing, and it's also good that you're thinking about things like "would something in this duffel bag have been crushed by that shoulder roll I had him do earlier?" However, you don't need to convey every single action this character takes to the reader.
If you were following the skewering I did of Nigel's magnum opus, you may recall the scene in which Silver "I physically need this buttplug inside me because my sphincter doesn't work anymore" Star spends about three pages gallivanting around on his magic skateboard doing loop de loops all over the city. As much as you might like to imagine all the cool acrobatic stunts Anon is doing right now, you really don't need to cover every single detail of every single action he's performing, and you may want to give some thought to how much of this information is really essential to the scene. You're sort of defeating your own purpose here, because you've got an action-packed scene full of cool jumps and acrobatics, but you're boring the reader to tears by describing it in these Rainman levels of autistic detail. Action scenes should move quickly and use minimal language. Only use enough description to give the reader a sense of the physical space Anon is in, and the actions Anon is taking. Everything else is just fat that can be trimmed.
The same advice applies to the next paragraph about the glass cylinder. Just give the reader a quick description and move on.
>It was removed and the needle is taken off by Anon.
Try not to mix past and present tense (is/was).
Anyway, my advice for the rest of this section is more of the same. Basically, what happens here is Anon breaks into the Employees Only section of what appears to be a museum, and uses some kind of chemical bomb to blow a hole in the floor. You've got a fairly exciting scene here, but again your description is just way too detailed and verbose. Try to strike a balance between painting a vivid image of the scene you're trying to create and moving the action along at a reasonable pace. You could probably have cut this entire post in half and still conveyed the same essential information, and the reader would be far more engaged.
>>245025
As far as entering the contest goes OP would have to answer that, but if you want to write something and post it I'd be happy to give you a review and a rating.
>>244976
>The landing's impact was reduced by the shoulder roll, which unlike a gymnastic roll went from one shoulder to the opposite hip, Anon transitioned into.
This sentence is a little unclear, particularly "Anon transitioned into." What is he transitioning into? Considering >flag I'm not sure I want to know.
>Down the stairs was a door. It was thrown open by Anon, who dropkicked it so that his feet also pushed down the handle of the door when his feet reach it.
This is a tad verbose. You could probably describe the same action using a lot less words. For one thing, you have two verbs here that both refer to the action of opening the door: "thrown" and "dropkicked." You should pick one and run with it. I personally would choose dropkicked. The reader can probably infer that the door would be thrown open simply from that. Also, it is usually much less awkward to say "Anon opened the door" rather than "The door was opened by Anon." The bit about the handle turning is just an unnecessary detail that can probably be omitted.
>The balcony was encapsulation the large hall, which was the entrance hall to the museum, had such a high ceiling that it passed several floors.
*cringes internally*
>He ran towards the place where the balcony of his floor was closest to the ship's hull and he kept his momentum and when he arrived at area closest to the ship, he turned towards the railing.
Keep an eye out for those run-on sentences. Usually any sentence that reads like "Anon did this, and then he did this, and then he did this, and then he did that." should be seen as a red flag. There's no hard and fast rule for how to break these sentences up, but try to divide them into easily digestible chunks where each sentence deals with a specific concept.
>This trick was enough for me to make the fall survivable but not easy.
*cringes externally*
>On the door was a sign that read, ”Only Personal,” and Anon did not care.
It's good that Anon does not take these things personally. All jokes aside, this may be another ESL thing, but it's worth pointing out that "personal" and "personnel" are two different words that mean two vastly different things, yet are nonetheless often confused with each other. "Personal" is an adjective which refers to something of or belonging to a given individual, such as "personal hygiene," "personal space" or "nothing personal, kid." "Personnel" is a noun that refers to employees of an organization. I'm assuming in this case you meant to say "Only personnel," which is still a bit awkward. "Personnel Only" or, better yet, "Authorized Personnel Only" is usually how these types of signs are written. Don't feel bad, even native English speakers confuse these two words fairly often, but it's one of those your/you're type things that ruffles the feathers of grammar Nazis like myself, and I felt obliged to point it out.
>A room with
>However, the door was not what Anon was looking for.
Why mention it then?
>The bag had been laying on his back from his left shoulder to his right hip. This meant, if he had something in the outer pocket that was on the duffle bag's end that was near that shoulder, it would not be crushed when he shoulder rolled since he used the right shoulder to do so with.
You're veering into autistic levels of detail here. It's good that you have a clear mental image of what exactly this character is doing, and it's also good that you're thinking about things like "would something in this duffel bag have been crushed by that shoulder roll I had him do earlier?" However, you don't need to convey every single action this character takes to the reader.
If you were following the skewering I did of Nigel's magnum opus, you may recall the scene in which Silver "I physically need this buttplug inside me because my sphincter doesn't work anymore" Star spends about three pages gallivanting around on his magic skateboard doing loop de loops all over the city. As much as you might like to imagine all the cool acrobatic stunts Anon is doing right now, you really don't need to cover every single detail of every single action he's performing, and you may want to give some thought to how much of this information is really essential to the scene. You're sort of defeating your own purpose here, because you've got an action-packed scene full of cool jumps and acrobatics, but you're boring the reader to tears by describing it in these Rainman levels of autistic detail. Action scenes should move quickly and use minimal language. Only use enough description to give the reader a sense of the physical space Anon is in, and the actions Anon is taking. Everything else is just fat that can be trimmed.
The same advice applies to the next paragraph about the glass cylinder. Just give the reader a quick description and move on.
>It was removed and the needle is taken off by Anon.
Try not to mix past and present tense (is/was).
Anyway, my advice for the rest of this section is more of the same. Basically, what happens here is Anon breaks into the Employees Only section of what appears to be a museum, and uses some kind of chemical bomb to blow a hole in the floor. You've got a fairly exciting scene here, but again your description is just way too detailed and verbose. Try to strike a balance between painting a vivid image of the scene you're trying to create and moving the action along at a reasonable pace. You could probably have cut this entire post in half and still conveyed the same essential information, and the reader would be far more engaged.
>>245025
As far as entering the contest goes OP would have to answer that, but if you want to write something and post it I'd be happy to give you a review and a rating.
File (): CE0B3F5DD03B64E49C5DDA2874D41BB9-346690.jpg (338.6 KB, 679x950, 1562564590110.jpg)
>>244970
>Apologies
No nigga. You don't have to feel like you need to do anything. I'm super grateful that you took your time and reviewed my piece.
I have some questions and things to say but I doubt I will be able to say them before I leave. I will be gone until, probably, thuseday.
I have another short story, it will be about 5-6 thousend words, on the way. I put a lot of work into planing it and I'll think it will turn out great. You don't have to promise anything but I am hoping that you could review that one aswell. But don't feel forced to.
I have read what you have said to here >>244979 will give you a response. It was great anyway.
>>245025
It is kinda over but if you want to dothat then we can restart it again. There is no problem with that. So yeah, post anything you like.
>>243108 →
>>244970
Btw, the stories in this thread are kinda part of the competition aswell or well, they are part of the competition I made because no one posted in this one. There are two other stories, the one with a swedish flag is mineYou don't have to review two stories of mine, both the other two stories are not. They would probably enjoy a review as well if you want to that is.
>Apologies
No nigga. You don't have to feel like you need to do anything. I'm super grateful that you took your time and reviewed my piece.
I have some questions and things to say but I doubt I will be able to say them before I leave. I will be gone until, probably, thuseday.
I have another short story, it will be about 5-6 thousend words, on the way. I put a lot of work into planing it and I'll think it will turn out great. You don't have to promise anything but I am hoping that you could review that one aswell. But don't feel forced to.
I have read what you have said to here >>244979 will give you a response. It was great anyway.
>>245025
It is kinda over but if you want to dothat then we can restart it again. There is no problem with that. So yeah, post anything you like.
>>243108 →
>>244970
Btw, the stories in this thread are kinda part of the competition aswell or well, they are part of the competition I made because no one posted in this one. There are two other stories, the one with a swedish flag is mineYou don't have to review two stories of mine, both the other two stories are not. They would probably enjoy a review as well if you want to that is.
File (): 717A32DD2497EA0C2A9568295A8B2BE4-1991570.png (1.9 MB, 2787x2148, 3283556 - Friendship_is_Magic My_Little_Pony PearlyIridescence Starlight_Glimmer Trixie_Lulamoon.png)
File (): ED0E796E61E67C66A8E743DB0371ECAF-62261.jpg (60.8 KB, 960x742, g4nh6Gr.jpg)
>>242704
>>242483
>>245029
>Anon wasted no time and hopped down the hole. Down there he saw how bad the damage truly was. Bookshelves had fallen upon others like dominos.
Is this damage the result of the explosion Anon just caused, or is this damage that existed previously that Anon is here to investigate? You may want to clarify.
>Aisle 12-C was what he was looking for because there were no bookshelves there, only a row of cabinets, one which contained a certain document he wanted.
Could that document be pic 2 related?
>Sunset spoke through the earpiece just when Anon reached the cabinet he was looking for.
>”Anon, seven minutes have passed. Where are you?” she asked.
Anon could have done it in three minutes if you hadn't spent all that time describing duffel bags and glass canisters.
>There the cabinet was but it did not stand up it had fallen over and its door was facing down.
We are approaching levels of cringe that should not even be possible. Seriously though, you can literally just say "The cabinet had fallen over" and this would convey your meaning.
>On the floor, beneath the knees, a poodle of sweat had gathered.
lmao. I'm assuming you meant "puddle."
Anyway, ESL-grammar aside, in general this post reads much better than the previous one. Mostly this is due to the reliance on dialog rather than excessive description to move the story along. My reaction to your writing is sort of inverse to my reaction to Nigel's, in that he is quite good at description but writes horrendous dialog, whereas you write very natural and flowing dialog but your description needs work.
Also, if I might make a minor suggestion regarding the action here, you might want to have Anon solve the puzzle of the tipped over cabinet more creatively than he does. If you've ever played Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis, there is a puzzle where a tipped-over bookcase is blocking something, and Jones solves it by unscrewing the back of the bookcase rather than trying to move it. This scene reminded me of this puzzle which is why I'm bringing it up. In this case, you present an interesting challenge to the character, but it's rather wasted by having him solve it using a simple brute force solution that anyone could have thought of. Having a character use his own ingenuity to solve the problems he encounters can make both the character and the story more interesting. Just a suggestion.
>>242705
>”Is it though? He is late. He will never make it back in time. I'm leaving!” Scarface said.
I'm not complaining, but I notice that you've dropped the "meow" and "purr" stuff from Scarface's dialog. Whether you leave it out or keep it in is ultimately up to you, but either way, be consistent. If you give a character a particular speech affectation, it's important to adhere to it, otherwise you should consider removing it.
>”I'm sorry, Anon but I will abandon you as well. Do not hate me for this but I will shut off the radio communication now, bye forever.”
Wow, what a cunt. Also, I've been meaning to ask, is this Sunset Shimmer or an original character who happens to have a similar name? The reader (assuming they are someone familiar with the Pony universe) is probably wondering the same thing. If you want them to wonder, then good; you should keep this character's identity mysterious for now. If the name is just a coincidence, you may want to drop a subtle hint like using her full name somewhere. Also, you may want to consider having her speak a little more informally, ie "don't" in place of "do not." You want to avoid vernacular and slang in narration, but in dialog it can add flavor and substance to a character's speech.
>The room was walked through
"He walked through the room" reads much less awkwardly.
>The metal grid that had covered it was gone now due to Anon having started the fire alarm, which in the faulty museum's security system made this specific window remove its metal grid.
Couple of things here. First, you probably want to say "the museum's faulty security system" rather than "the faulty museum's security system," as the latter makes it sound as if it's the museum that is faulty, rather than the security system. Second, this explanation for why the grid is gone is probably a little too complicated to drop into a single sentence, and may be unnecessary. The most important thing to consider is whether or not Anon actually knows why the grid is missing, or if he simply sees that the grid is missing and rolls with it. If he's pulling off a heist, it's not beyond reason that his group would have known about an exploitable flaw in the security system and factored that into their plan. If this is the case, you can mention it, but you'll probably want to break it into a couple of short sentences. Something more like this:
>The metal grid covering the window was gone. The museum's security system had a flaw which caused the grid from this specific window to go down, and fortunately Anon knew about it.
If the grid is down but Anon doesn't know why, just say that the grid is down and don't offer an explanation; just let the reader puzzle it out on his own.
Anyway, it looks like we've reached the end of the story. However, I'm running out of space, so I'll share my final thoughts and give you a rating in a new post.
>>242483
>>245029
>Anon wasted no time and hopped down the hole. Down there he saw how bad the damage truly was. Bookshelves had fallen upon others like dominos.
Is this damage the result of the explosion Anon just caused, or is this damage that existed previously that Anon is here to investigate? You may want to clarify.
>Aisle 12-C was what he was looking for because there were no bookshelves there, only a row of cabinets, one which contained a certain document he wanted.
Could that document be pic 2 related?
>Sunset spoke through the earpiece just when Anon reached the cabinet he was looking for.
>”Anon, seven minutes have passed. Where are you?” she asked.
Anon could have done it in three minutes if you hadn't spent all that time describing duffel bags and glass canisters.
>There the cabinet was but it did not stand up it had fallen over and its door was facing down.
We are approaching levels of cringe that should not even be possible. Seriously though, you can literally just say "The cabinet had fallen over" and this would convey your meaning.
>On the floor, beneath the knees, a poodle of sweat had gathered.
lmao. I'm assuming you meant "puddle."
Anyway, ESL-grammar aside, in general this post reads much better than the previous one. Mostly this is due to the reliance on dialog rather than excessive description to move the story along. My reaction to your writing is sort of inverse to my reaction to Nigel's, in that he is quite good at description but writes horrendous dialog, whereas you write very natural and flowing dialog but your description needs work.
Also, if I might make a minor suggestion regarding the action here, you might want to have Anon solve the puzzle of the tipped over cabinet more creatively than he does. If you've ever played Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis, there is a puzzle where a tipped-over bookcase is blocking something, and Jones solves it by unscrewing the back of the bookcase rather than trying to move it. This scene reminded me of this puzzle which is why I'm bringing it up. In this case, you present an interesting challenge to the character, but it's rather wasted by having him solve it using a simple brute force solution that anyone could have thought of. Having a character use his own ingenuity to solve the problems he encounters can make both the character and the story more interesting. Just a suggestion.
>>242705
>”Is it though? He is late. He will never make it back in time. I'm leaving!” Scarface said.
I'm not complaining, but I notice that you've dropped the "meow" and "purr" stuff from Scarface's dialog. Whether you leave it out or keep it in is ultimately up to you, but either way, be consistent. If you give a character a particular speech affectation, it's important to adhere to it, otherwise you should consider removing it.
>”I'm sorry, Anon but I will abandon you as well. Do not hate me for this but I will shut off the radio communication now, bye forever.”
Wow, what a cunt. Also, I've been meaning to ask, is this Sunset Shimmer or an original character who happens to have a similar name? The reader (assuming they are someone familiar with the Pony universe) is probably wondering the same thing. If you want them to wonder, then good; you should keep this character's identity mysterious for now. If the name is just a coincidence, you may want to drop a subtle hint like using her full name somewhere. Also, you may want to consider having her speak a little more informally, ie "don't" in place of "do not." You want to avoid vernacular and slang in narration, but in dialog it can add flavor and substance to a character's speech.
>The room was walked through
"He walked through the room" reads much less awkwardly.
>The metal grid that had covered it was gone now due to Anon having started the fire alarm, which in the faulty museum's security system made this specific window remove its metal grid.
Couple of things here. First, you probably want to say "the museum's faulty security system" rather than "the faulty museum's security system," as the latter makes it sound as if it's the museum that is faulty, rather than the security system. Second, this explanation for why the grid is gone is probably a little too complicated to drop into a single sentence, and may be unnecessary. The most important thing to consider is whether or not Anon actually knows why the grid is missing, or if he simply sees that the grid is missing and rolls with it. If he's pulling off a heist, it's not beyond reason that his group would have known about an exploitable flaw in the security system and factored that into their plan. If this is the case, you can mention it, but you'll probably want to break it into a couple of short sentences. Something more like this:
>The metal grid covering the window was gone. The museum's security system had a flaw which caused the grid from this specific window to go down, and fortunately Anon knew about it.
If the grid is down but Anon doesn't know why, just say that the grid is down and don't offer an explanation; just let the reader puzzle it out on his own.
Anyway, it looks like we've reached the end of the story. However, I'm running out of space, so I'll share my final thoughts and give you a rating in a new post.
>>242705
>>245040
The ending to this feels like you were running out of time and had to hastily cobble something together, which I can understand but nonetheless feel obliged to mention that I noticed. The story ends on a somewhat humorous note, with Anon on his knees being overly dramatic about being abandoned by his friends. However, the impact is blunted somewhat by the fact that we don't really know that much about the relationship between Anon and Sunset, though it is treated as if it is important. Her betrayal seems to wound him more deeply than that of the others, but we don't know why exactly. You've established that the two of them have some kind of preexisting relationship, but the nature of it is not elaborated upon. Is she his girlfriend? His close friend? His pony half-sister? We don't know, but it's clear that he sees her as more than a partner in crime. For that matter, we still don't know if this Sunset character is Sunset Shimmer or just another pony OC who happens to have Sunset in her name. If the story is over, you should have answered this question by now.
The final scene ends with Anon being arrested by Rainbow Dash, but he is so grief-stricken at Sunset's betrayal that he ignores her completely, cutting her off and yelling "YOU'RE TEARING ME APART, SUNSET!!!!" Even if this ending is intended to be lighthearted and humorous, it still needs to make an emotional impact in order for the humor to work, and for that to happen the reader needs context. You don't provide any; the details of Anon and Sunset's relationship are murky and vague, so the ending lacks emotional impact and the humor falls flat.
Here is my overall take on this piece: it's ostensibly a story about Anon and co. stealing the Declaration of Independence, but really it's a story about Sunset's betrayal of Anon. Put more simply, even though the story is about a heist, the heist is secondary to Anon and Sunset's relationship, so the narrative should focus more on these two characters and less on the heist itself. You've actually got a pretty good idea here, but you waste a lot of space going on and on about the stuff in Anon's duffel bag and how he rolls down the stairs, and other than a few brief dialog exchanges there's very little interaction between the two main characters. If you end up rewriting this, I would suggest cutting all the description about Anon's journey through the museum down to the bare essentials, and have Anon and Sunset talking to each other over the radio as he's walking. The kind of playful banter you have them engaging in earlier is good, you just need to go into a little more detail. What specifically they discuss isn't really important, but I would recommend having Anon bring up some event from the past that gives the reader a clue as to what their relationship is, and have them bantzing back and forth about it while occasionally dealing with practical matters like opening doors or setting bombs. By the time Anon gets to the fallen cabinet puzzle, he and Sunset should have had a nice little conversation that gives the reader a glimpse into their feelings for each other.
The one thing that stands out to me here is that their feelings are clearly uneven. It's clear that Anon sees Sunset as someone fairly close to him, either a lover or a close friend, whereas Sunset's feelings about Anon are far more capricious and casual. There's a lot of fertile ground for humor here, as you can play on a lot of "femme fatale" tropes that fit into this kind of story. Anon is in love (or whatever) with Sunset, but Sunset just sees Anon as a business associate, or maybe even just a rube she's running a con on. Fujiko from Lupin III or Faye from Cowboy Bebop would be good references for the Sunset character, if you're familiar with any of them. Anon thinks the two of them are partners in crime, but Sunset cuts and runs as soon as the going gets tough, leaving Anon holding the bag. Anon rends his clothing and overreacts, and then Rainbow Dash hauls him off to pony jail where he will no doubt be non-consensually booped. The reader chuckles. Close curtain. Even a short, silly flash fiction piece like this can have a lot of depth and impact if you construct it correctly.
Anyway, that's my take on this. Here's my final evaluation:
Grammar and Mechanics: ESL/10
Concept: 9/10
Execution: 5/10
Final Grade: C+
>>245034
I noticed the other thread. I haven't had time to go through what's in there yet, but I will take a look.
>>245040
The ending to this feels like you were running out of time and had to hastily cobble something together, which I can understand but nonetheless feel obliged to mention that I noticed. The story ends on a somewhat humorous note, with Anon on his knees being overly dramatic about being abandoned by his friends. However, the impact is blunted somewhat by the fact that we don't really know that much about the relationship between Anon and Sunset, though it is treated as if it is important. Her betrayal seems to wound him more deeply than that of the others, but we don't know why exactly. You've established that the two of them have some kind of preexisting relationship, but the nature of it is not elaborated upon. Is she his girlfriend? His close friend? His pony half-sister? We don't know, but it's clear that he sees her as more than a partner in crime. For that matter, we still don't know if this Sunset character is Sunset Shimmer or just another pony OC who happens to have Sunset in her name. If the story is over, you should have answered this question by now.
The final scene ends with Anon being arrested by Rainbow Dash, but he is so grief-stricken at Sunset's betrayal that he ignores her completely, cutting her off and yelling "YOU'RE TEARING ME APART, SUNSET!!!!" Even if this ending is intended to be lighthearted and humorous, it still needs to make an emotional impact in order for the humor to work, and for that to happen the reader needs context. You don't provide any; the details of Anon and Sunset's relationship are murky and vague, so the ending lacks emotional impact and the humor falls flat.
Here is my overall take on this piece: it's ostensibly a story about Anon and co. stealing the Declaration of Independence, but really it's a story about Sunset's betrayal of Anon. Put more simply, even though the story is about a heist, the heist is secondary to Anon and Sunset's relationship, so the narrative should focus more on these two characters and less on the heist itself. You've actually got a pretty good idea here, but you waste a lot of space going on and on about the stuff in Anon's duffel bag and how he rolls down the stairs, and other than a few brief dialog exchanges there's very little interaction between the two main characters. If you end up rewriting this, I would suggest cutting all the description about Anon's journey through the museum down to the bare essentials, and have Anon and Sunset talking to each other over the radio as he's walking. The kind of playful banter you have them engaging in earlier is good, you just need to go into a little more detail. What specifically they discuss isn't really important, but I would recommend having Anon bring up some event from the past that gives the reader a clue as to what their relationship is, and have them bantzing back and forth about it while occasionally dealing with practical matters like opening doors or setting bombs. By the time Anon gets to the fallen cabinet puzzle, he and Sunset should have had a nice little conversation that gives the reader a glimpse into their feelings for each other.
The one thing that stands out to me here is that their feelings are clearly uneven. It's clear that Anon sees Sunset as someone fairly close to him, either a lover or a close friend, whereas Sunset's feelings about Anon are far more capricious and casual. There's a lot of fertile ground for humor here, as you can play on a lot of "femme fatale" tropes that fit into this kind of story. Anon is in love (or whatever) with Sunset, but Sunset just sees Anon as a business associate, or maybe even just a rube she's running a con on. Fujiko from Lupin III or Faye from Cowboy Bebop would be good references for the Sunset character, if you're familiar with any of them. Anon thinks the two of them are partners in crime, but Sunset cuts and runs as soon as the going gets tough, leaving Anon holding the bag. Anon rends his clothing and overreacts, and then Rainbow Dash hauls him off to pony jail where he will no doubt be non-consensually booped. The reader chuckles. Close curtain. Even a short, silly flash fiction piece like this can have a lot of depth and impact if you construct it correctly.
Anyway, that's my take on this. Here's my final evaluation:
Grammar and Mechanics: ESL/10
Concept: 9/10
Execution: 5/10
Final Grade: C+
>>245034
I noticed the other thread. I haven't had time to go through what's in there yet, but I will take a look.
>>245040
Thanks so much. I really can't into writting a response right now. Both due to being tired and having other things to do. However, just know that I'm enjoying myself.
Also, note that the story does end in stupid a manner but that is because I rush the ending for this story. I will explain later but basically, the story is suppose to continue from the point after anon retrives the "declaration of independence."
The original intent for the story was that there was going to a bya parkour cahse scene with anon being hunted down by the wonerbolts throughout Canterlot.
Thanks so much. I really can't into writting a response right now. Both due to being tired and having other things to do. However, just know that I'm enjoying myself.
Also, note that the story does end in stupid a manner but that is because I rush the ending for this story. I will explain later but basically, the story is suppose to continue from the point after anon retrives the "declaration of independence."
The original intent for the story was that there was going to a bya parkour cahse scene with anon being hunted down by the wonerbolts throughout Canterlot.
>>245047
>You've established that the two of them have some kind of preexisting relationship, but the nature of it is not elaborated upon.
During their first conversation. I intened to hint at them being an item but dropped it because I thought was only gonna bog down the rest of the story which was only suppsoe to be a simple action sequnence.
Then when I wrote the hastily thrown togather ending, I forgot that I had dismissed that plot point.
>You've established that the two of them have some kind of preexisting relationship, but the nature of it is not elaborated upon.
During their first conversation. I intened to hint at them being an item but dropped it because I thought was only gonna bog down the rest of the story which was only suppsoe to be a simple action sequnence.
Then when I wrote the hastily thrown togather ending, I forgot that I had dismissed that plot point.
File (): 9B182B835369BA0FFDDA83E2E7CF0063-95497.jpg (93.3 KB, 600x600, why not both.jpg)
>>245050
Personally I'd go with the Sunset/Anon romance-betrayal angle over the action angle if you're planning to keep the story the length that it is, as I feel that it's the more interesting story. That may just be a subjective preference on my part, though. However, if you're planning on extending it into a longer story, then pic related would be my advice.
In any case, if you want the story to be about Sunset and Anon, you'll want to elaborate on their relationship. If you want the story to be about the heist, you may want to consider elaborating on what they're stealing and why they're stealing it.
Personally I'd go with the Sunset/Anon romance-betrayal angle over the action angle if you're planning to keep the story the length that it is, as I feel that it's the more interesting story. That may just be a subjective preference on my part, though. However, if you're planning on extending it into a longer story, then pic related would be my advice.
In any case, if you want the story to be about Sunset and Anon, you'll want to elaborate on their relationship. If you want the story to be about the heist, you may want to consider elaborating on what they're stealing and why they're stealing it.
File (): 785053E18A074CD59FFF4DD8F2A321C5-39738.jpg (38.8 KB, 540x333, You're tearing me apart liza.jpg)
>>245051
>Pefering romance over action
What are you a gurl?!
Thanks then I know. I won't make a rewrite about this, however, I have another project in mind that I will post in its own thread. As I have already said in my other posts, I will ask you for advice on it as well. If you don't mind that is..........................
>Pefering romance over action
What are you a gurl?!
Thanks then I know. I won't make a rewrite about this, however, I have another project in mind that I will post in its own thread. As I have already said in my other posts, I will ask you for advice on it as well. If you don't mind that is..........................
>>245051
Anyway, tanks for this review. It was fucking great. I learnt a lot and somethings I already knew but you reminded me of these things, which is also great.
Anyway, tanks for this review. It was fucking great. I learnt a lot and somethings I already knew but you reminded me of these things, which is also great.
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>>244970
>I'm in a critical mood
So have you thought about rebooting your review thread? Would read if you did.
>I'm in a critical mood
So have you thought about rebooting your review thread? Would read if you did.
File (): C0DBC4BD3E66E9B74B16E4DA890A7732-429569.png (419.5 KB, 1800x1200, Spooky Roll and Write.png)
Just gonna leave this here for your consideration on this fine October 1st.
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>>245271
I thought I wuld make one for the filly crowd but personally since I have another project in production it won't be anything that takes too much effort. But that is a nice touch with that random generation. I have been thinking about creating such a template before. So it is fun to see they exist on their own.
I thought I wuld make one for the filly crowd but personally since I have another project in production it won't be anything that takes too much effort. But that is a nice touch with that random generation. I have been thinking about creating such a template before. So it is fun to see they exist on their own.
>>245215
I would like to get another review thread going, I just need to find something that I'd like to skewer, preferably something abysmally bad. But I'll try to get it going either way. Mostly it's just a matter of mustering the autism to do it, as it's rather time consuming. Between reading/analyzing the text and composing a response complete with snarky wit and gay jokes, most of those Nigel posts were taking me about an hour apiece on average, sometimes longer if I was working with a particularly dense passage.
I would like to get another review thread going, I just need to find something that I'd like to skewer, preferably something abysmally bad. But I'll try to get it going either way. Mostly it's just a matter of mustering the autism to do it, as it's rather time consuming. Between reading/analyzing the text and composing a response complete with snarky wit and gay jokes, most of those Nigel posts were taking me about an hour apiece on average, sometimes longer if I was working with a particularly dense passage.
File (): 9AEA542A466EB2257352FDB027BA96A1-71157.jpg (69.5 KB, 736x662, 96c0a4d05ffff75475573baedfc642cb--mini-pony-ponys.jpg)
>>245359
>>245359
>I just need to find something that I'd like to skewer, preferably something abysmally bad.
I have many suggestion ofr just those kinds of fics. You just have to ask.
Like, "Pasted Sins." It is one of the classics but you know Nyx is a Mary sue.
I guess it is kinda sweet at times though. Never finished it it either.
> Mostly it's just a matter of mustering the autism to do it, as it's rather time consuming.
I can understand that. Don't feel bad if you don't.
I enjoy your reviews anyway and I think I have read all of your posts on Nigel's two old threads. But to be fair, I think I have read all posts on that thread anyway.
>>245359
>I just need to find something that I'd like to skewer, preferably something abysmally bad.
I have many suggestion ofr just those kinds of fics. You just have to ask.
Like, "Pasted Sins." It is one of the classics but you know Nyx is a Mary sue.
I guess it is kinda sweet at times though. Never finished it it either.
> Mostly it's just a matter of mustering the autism to do it, as it's rather time consuming.
I can understand that. Don't feel bad if you don't.
I enjoy your reviews anyway and I think I have read all of your posts on Nigel's two old threads. But to be fair, I think I have read all posts on that thread anyway.
File (): 6660BA91AB5E768F51E016A2E69543DB-983714.png (960.7 KB, 1863x1264, 1560010557374.png)
>>244970
>Rather than focusing on what a Tabaxi is, I focus on what it is doing, and casually mention some of the creature's physical characteristics while I'm at it
It is interesting because that is the way I used to write. It is not seen in all my previous writing but it is something I have implemented in my writing before. Like you want to establish both that your character has white hair, take care of her appearance and what the character is currently doing, you write: ”She combed her white hair.” But I realize now that I moved away from that way of writting, almost subconciously, because I read someone on the internet critiscising that way of writting. They joked about the fact that the possessive form of the noun combined with the adjective gave a more identifying meaning. Like, ”Her white hair was combed, not her black hair cause it was being discriminated against.”
But yeah, when I think about it people evidently know what you are saying in context so I shouldn't care about such silliness.
>>245040
>The room was walked through
"He walked through the room" reads much less awkwardly.
Yes, I know. The reason I write like that is to avoid writing sentences like these, ”A went to the job. A eat on the job. A talked to B. A was given a ride home by B.”
I'm trying to do the whole switch between who/what is the object and who/what is the subject by switching from passive to active voice and vice versa. I'm trying to have my paragraphs flow from one sentence to another.
So instead of the previous example I write, ”A went to the job. On the job food was eaten by A. A talked to B. B gave A a ride home.”
Because that paragraph flows more than the first one but I guess that is for more academical writing and not for creative writing.
Sometimes I get a flow between sentences that do not have this structure they go something like this.
>A cat jumped up on the table. Up there it began to dance the dance of its people.
I think these sentences flow into each other but I can't do it consistently nor do I really know what flow actually is. I feel like I am tone death but with sentence flow instead.
Here is part of the post that made me think about flow in the first place:
On the subject of descriptions, the descriptions used here, from the very first sentence, sounded kinda robotic and list-like. Let me illustrate:
>From the image and its text, he knew what type of file this was. He also knew exactly why it was on his computer. Yet, it was mere speculation. He could not be sure before he had open it. He wanted to be lucky and be wrong.
Rearranged without editing:
- From the image and its text, he knew what type of file this was.
- He also knew exactly why it was on his computer.
- Yet, it was mere speculation.
- He could not be sure before he had open it.
- He wanted to be lucky and be wrong.
You see how it just reads like a list, and not a fully connected paragraph? That isn't very natural.
The classical rule of "reading your dialogue out to yourself" also applies to descriptions and internal dialogue. Remember: you're painting an image for the reader to be immersed into. Making a list just reads like, well, a list. But a proper description?
>`anon&filly.mp4`, the filename read. Of course. What else would it be? It's not like the thumbnail left much to the imagination. And yet, he couldn't help but wonder if it was a mistake. Maybe, he thought, it's nothing like that. Deciding to test his luck, he arrow-keyed over to it and struck the Enter key.
That's a fully integrated description right there. Things should read like organic descriptions, trains of thought, the whole shebang.
The thing is with his rewrite, especially the second sentence, and the way he describes it is not what I aim for in my writing style. He is talking about, ”trains of thought,” and I'm not about that. I don't want to give the reader any insight into my characters' thoughts. The only time I let things like this happened is when I don't have time to make it better or am lazy. But my ideal is not this.
At times, I have thought that it is okay that my sentences to not really flow into each other as long as they are on the same topic. I thought that if each paragraph is a bundle of sentences haphazardly strung together because they all address the same topic, then it would be okay. Like sentences about what anon is wearing are all on the same topic, what anon is wearing, so they can in no order, in particular, be in the same sentence. Is that an okay way to go?
What do you think about flow and what that anon, I quoted, said?
>Rather than focusing on what a Tabaxi is, I focus on what it is doing, and casually mention some of the creature's physical characteristics while I'm at it
It is interesting because that is the way I used to write. It is not seen in all my previous writing but it is something I have implemented in my writing before. Like you want to establish both that your character has white hair, take care of her appearance and what the character is currently doing, you write: ”She combed her white hair.” But I realize now that I moved away from that way of writting, almost subconciously, because I read someone on the internet critiscising that way of writting. They joked about the fact that the possessive form of the noun combined with the adjective gave a more identifying meaning. Like, ”Her white hair was combed, not her black hair cause it was being discriminated against.”
But yeah, when I think about it people evidently know what you are saying in context so I shouldn't care about such silliness.
>>245040
>The room was walked through
"He walked through the room" reads much less awkwardly.
Yes, I know. The reason I write like that is to avoid writing sentences like these, ”A went to the job. A eat on the job. A talked to B. A was given a ride home by B.”
I'm trying to do the whole switch between who/what is the object and who/what is the subject by switching from passive to active voice and vice versa. I'm trying to have my paragraphs flow from one sentence to another.
So instead of the previous example I write, ”A went to the job. On the job food was eaten by A. A talked to B. B gave A a ride home.”
Because that paragraph flows more than the first one but I guess that is for more academical writing and not for creative writing.
Sometimes I get a flow between sentences that do not have this structure they go something like this.
>A cat jumped up on the table. Up there it began to dance the dance of its people.
I think these sentences flow into each other but I can't do it consistently nor do I really know what flow actually is. I feel like I am tone death but with sentence flow instead.
Here is part of the post that made me think about flow in the first place:
On the subject of descriptions, the descriptions used here, from the very first sentence, sounded kinda robotic and list-like. Let me illustrate:
>From the image and its text, he knew what type of file this was. He also knew exactly why it was on his computer. Yet, it was mere speculation. He could not be sure before he had open it. He wanted to be lucky and be wrong.
Rearranged without editing:
- From the image and its text, he knew what type of file this was.
- He also knew exactly why it was on his computer.
- Yet, it was mere speculation.
- He could not be sure before he had open it.
- He wanted to be lucky and be wrong.
You see how it just reads like a list, and not a fully connected paragraph? That isn't very natural.
The classical rule of "reading your dialogue out to yourself" also applies to descriptions and internal dialogue. Remember: you're painting an image for the reader to be immersed into. Making a list just reads like, well, a list. But a proper description?
>`anon&filly.mp4`, the filename read. Of course. What else would it be? It's not like the thumbnail left much to the imagination. And yet, he couldn't help but wonder if it was a mistake. Maybe, he thought, it's nothing like that. Deciding to test his luck, he arrow-keyed over to it and struck the Enter key.
That's a fully integrated description right there. Things should read like organic descriptions, trains of thought, the whole shebang.
The thing is with his rewrite, especially the second sentence, and the way he describes it is not what I aim for in my writing style. He is talking about, ”trains of thought,” and I'm not about that. I don't want to give the reader any insight into my characters' thoughts. The only time I let things like this happened is when I don't have time to make it better or am lazy. But my ideal is not this.
At times, I have thought that it is okay that my sentences to not really flow into each other as long as they are on the same topic. I thought that if each paragraph is a bundle of sentences haphazardly strung together because they all address the same topic, then it would be okay. Like sentences about what anon is wearing are all on the same topic, what anon is wearing, so they can in no order, in particular, be in the same sentence. Is that an okay way to go?
What do you think about flow and what that anon, I quoted, said?
>>245601
>Run-on sentences
While the other sentences you pointed out are-ish, I don't think this one is:
>The pony on the roof, who was a dark brown earth-pony stallion with a rotten apple for a cutie mark, climbed off the edge of it and the weight of his body strained the rope.
From what I understand, this is not a run-on sentence. Its a compound-complex sentence with two independent clauses and one subordinate clause. I don't think I messed up the conjunctions either.
>Who and which does not break immersion
>Try to avoid saying things like "who was" or "which is" in the text of a story. You want to tell the story without sounding like you're telling a story, if that makes sense
>Also, the way you just clumsily drop in an explanation for an unfamiliar word makes it feel like you're breaking your narrative, sort of like if an actor in a movie suddenly turned to the camera and explained some plot detail to the audience. It kills the suspension of disbelief for just a second. The main thing that does this is the word ”which”.
I don't think this makes sense. ”Who” and ”which” are just conjunctions you begin adjective clauses with. I don't think they break immersion for the reader more than ”but”, ”or”, and ”and” do.
I don't use participles all the time because I want sentence variety. To you, I guess I am projecting now but, they stand out because you are looking for them, which you do because you think they are bad.
I think what breaks immersion is when the reader is given information they could not have gain from simply being on the scene. Like:
>The car, which was red, drove one the road. Or the red car drove on the road.
Both of these don't break immersion. Well, the first one is awkward since you don't devote an entire clause for a simple adjective.
>The car, which was a family heirloom, drove down the road.
Rather than the use of ”who” and ”which”.
>Run-on sentences
While the other sentences you pointed out are-ish, I don't think this one is:
>The pony on the roof, who was a dark brown earth-pony stallion with a rotten apple for a cutie mark, climbed off the edge of it and the weight of his body strained the rope.
From what I understand, this is not a run-on sentence. Its a compound-complex sentence with two independent clauses and one subordinate clause. I don't think I messed up the conjunctions either.
>Who and which does not break immersion
>Try to avoid saying things like "who was" or "which is" in the text of a story. You want to tell the story without sounding like you're telling a story, if that makes sense
>Also, the way you just clumsily drop in an explanation for an unfamiliar word makes it feel like you're breaking your narrative, sort of like if an actor in a movie suddenly turned to the camera and explained some plot detail to the audience. It kills the suspension of disbelief for just a second. The main thing that does this is the word ”which”.
I don't think this makes sense. ”Who” and ”which” are just conjunctions you begin adjective clauses with. I don't think they break immersion for the reader more than ”but”, ”or”, and ”and” do.
I don't use participles all the time because I want sentence variety. To you, I guess I am projecting now but, they stand out because you are looking for them, which you do because you think they are bad.
I think what breaks immersion is when the reader is given information they could not have gain from simply being on the scene. Like:
>The car, which was red, drove one the road. Or the red car drove on the road.
Both of these don't break immersion. Well, the first one is awkward since you don't devote an entire clause for a simple adjective.
>The car, which was a family heirloom, drove down the road.
Rather than the use of ”who” and ”which”.
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