/mlpol/ - My Little Politics

>>157869
Test successful, you can delete the thread now if you wish mods

>>157870
You can't tell me what to do. I'm going to sticky this thing just to spite you.

>>157871
You know what goes great with vengeful spite? The Denver Broncos

>>157871
Based John Elway at it again. Can't you tell me place how football was created again, I forgot.

>>157873
First of all, let me tell you something, you musket eating muskrat: you don't forget Football, Football forgets you. Then it remembers you. Again and again, over and over, morning noon and night, it remembers you; high and low, hither and thither, over and yon. From the first song of the sparrows to the last cry of the nightingale, Football remembers you.

For instance, do you remember a time when certain folk weren't allowed into movie theaters? Pepperidge Farm remembers. And you know who else remembers? Me. John Elway. And Football. And a couple of random passersby who made it through security before we could blank their memory. And do you know why that happened? I'll tell you why: the Oakland Raiders. They are always after me Lucky Charms. And Football, glorious Football, always at the center of all, the gravity of the universe it be. From the tiniest little tadger to the great Chicken of the Sea, which once felled the mighty Dragon of Baltimore, always Football. Just Football.

Sincerely,
Just Monika. And Football.

>>157875
Please, tell us the gospel of Football and John Elway, John Elway.

Oh shit.

>>157880
The Gospel? Heh, you couldn't handle it my friend. I'm going to start you off with the Pentateuch of Football, and if that doesn't cause your brain to explode into Football, we might be able to work our way up to the Gospel.

The first thing you have to understand is that in the beginning, there was not Football. The earth was void and without form, and also without Football. There was basketball, yes, but it was only half formed, and wandered through the desert on a horse with no name. The ponies of the earth wandered in darkness, for there was not Football to guide them.

Then, there was a great crash, as time and space itself was rent asunder by the mighty thundercock of none other than John "Do Not Touch Jimmy" Elway, whose semen was full of electrolytes and was gobbled up by the universe because it was thirsty. That semen blast came from the future, for in the past John Elway was not yet John Elway, he was only the concept of John Elway, who would one day go on to father himself and invent football, and would thence travel back in time to do this thing which would cause himself to be so that he could do the things that would also cause himself to be. But that is a story for another day.

Yea, and in the fields where later there would be Football, there was yon shepherd boy, who was doing shepherd things in his shepherd town, which was a town composed entirely of shepherds. But then one day the shepherd boy decided that he did not care for shepherd things, and said unto them: "Fuck you nigger. I ain't no shepherd no more. I am going to start a business selling buckets of owls to spacemen." And he did so, but his business did fail, for at that time there were no owls and no buckets and no spacemen. And the shepherd boy was mocked for his faggotry, and the other shepherds did laugh and throw feces in his general direction, when he didst return. But then the spirit of John Elway did appear to him, and he did declare, "Yea, my child, I am John Elway. Kneel before me, and thou shalt receive the sacrament."

And John Elway did bless the shepherd boy, and when he awoke his house was full of owls and buckets. And there was a knock at the door and he did see ten hundred thousand spacemen standing outside, eagerly awaiting their bucket of owls. And so it was that the young shepherd boy, previously mocked by other shepherd boys, did start a successful business selling buckets of owls to spacemen, and made ten thousand million dollars, and did use that money to lay the foundation of my church.

I'm going to tell you a secret. Do you know who that boy was? It was you, Anon. You are to build a church for me. Ye shall build it 40 cubits wide and ten million cubits wide, and also it shall be a hundred billion cubits in length, and its depth shall be over 9000 infinity cubits. All the cubits on earth shall be used to build this church, and when it is done, you shall go back in time to the year 3000, which is in the future from the now times, but will be in the past when you travel to the year 4000. And from there, you shall compress my church into a singularity, and that singularity shall become Football.

Football.

>>157930
Religion confirms quantum physics.

Posting in epic sticky

>>157869
>>157870
>>157871
>>157872
>>157873
>>157875
>>157880
>>157930
hmm

>>157930
Praise American. Praise Football.

>>157965

I can't handle this much John Elway.

>>157966
Well, then you'd better pull the covers up over your head and not watch this next part. The rest of you had better get some buckets to hold all of the redpills I'm about to drop.

The year: 1989 AD. The reanimated corpse of Ted Danson's ghost from the future had become a mechanized brain imprisoned in the robot body of none other than William Clinton, the man who would be elected President of the United States in 3 years. Clinton at the time was injecting himself in the veins with kangaroo semen to produce artificial longevity, since as I'm sure everypony knows he is over 10,000 years old and is well-known to be Egyptian. On that very same day, a cat was walking along the railroad tracks on the D-line from Union Station to the Center of the Earth in Pittsburg, when who should appear but the spirit of a Cuban man named Pete. Pete asked the cat if he would like three wishes, and the cat said "Sure, why not" only it came out sounding like "meow." In Cuban this is the most horrific of insults, and Pete unleashed his mighty fury upon the cat, turning him inside out. That cat was none other than film critic Gene Shalit, who was on his way to lick a few buttholes before lunch.

The inside out Shalit cat became a vengeful ghost hell-bent on seeking revenge against Pete, who was also known as Ahuizotl, the Doom Bringer (but not the original Doom Bringer; that comes later). However, when the Shalit cat passed William Clinton, known to his friends as Bill, he couldn't resist licking his butthole a little. Bill interpreted this as an attempt to steal his Lucky Charms, and sent the cat hurtling through the time/space continuum, four hundred thousand million years into the past, to a time when Football was just beginning to emerge as an abstract concept.

Shalit journeyed from the Wellspring of Horse Vagene, which is the source of all life from which warmth and goodness flows, and threw a quarter in and made a wish. However the quarter was unknown to the ponies of that time, and the Wellspring would not accept it. And so the Shalit cat had to earn forty thousand bits, the minimum amount required for an offering, by doing the only thing he knew how to do: licking buttholes. He went around from pony to pony, licking ponut for a bit apiece, until he eventually ran out of ponies and had to start over, because there were only a few ponies on the Earth at that time. Also the Earth was not called the Earth, but your mortal tongue cannot pronounce that which it was called, and so instead we shall call it Frank. Anyway, eventually Shalit cat had earned about 5,000 bits, which was five times as many ponies as there were on the earth at that time, and he had licked all of their buttholes until they were tired of it and no longer wanted to pay. So he had to earn a living some other way, so he traveled into the future and invented Tivo, then took five hundred thousand dollars out of his mother's sock drawer and sent it hurtling through time and space where it arrived at his ranch style house in the ancient past, on the planet Frank. He traveled a similar path himself to collect it before the Gypsies got there.

However, along the way, his butthole accidentally occupied the same space at the same time as Bill Clinton's butthole, and they became joined at the butthole and traveled across time and space together. They had many adventures and met many colorful characters, and later became the basis for the Pushmi-pullyu creature in Hugh Lofting's beloved Dr. Dolittle stories. However, that is not relevant. Anyway, it soon became apparent to both Clinton and Shalit that being joined at the butthole was not going to work out. So, they did what they had to do and summoned the mighty spirit of John Elway, who at that time (approximately 100,000,000 BC) was just beginning to gestate in the womb of Rainbow Dash, whom he had recently impregnated in the guise of Dan Reeves.

Now, let's return for a moment to the year 1988 AD, one year prior to the fateful event which set all of this in motion probably I think. The Denver Broncos stood on the very lip of the Valley of Death, locked in Mortal Kombat with none other than that most foul and bestial creature of shadows, the Washington Redskins. John Elway at the time was being played by actor Tony Curtis, on account of the real John Elway being at Super Bowl XXII on Earth IV, winning the game for the Denver Broncos there. Alas, Tony Curtis was full of false football most foul that day, and lost the game as did you just now. However, he was able to throw a single 56 yard pass which cut through the fabric of time and space for the third time that day, allowing Head Coach Dan Reeves to plunge into the dark abyss and travel ten hundred thousand million years into the past, whereupon he did enter the hourly-rate motel in Cloudsdale and bed the fair Lady Dash. I think you know the rest of the story.

However, what you probably don't know is at that moment, the hybrid Bill-Clinton-Inside-out-cat-Gene-Shalit was hiding under the bed, hoping to collect a drop of Rainbow Dash's vaginal secretion, which would hold the key to ending the curse of being connected at the butthole for all eternity. So, in order to collect it, Gene Shalit cat did what Gene Shalit cat does best, and licked the butthole of Rainbow Dash mid coitus, causing her to clench everything. This triggered the almighty orgasm that gave birth to John Elway and Football itself. That's right, you heard right: the inside-out-cat version of Gene Shalit from Universe e198322-xg was instrumental in the creation of Football.

Upon his release from the womb thousands of years in the future and also the past, John Elway traveled back in time and gave the newly separated Gene Shalit cat all the bits it needed for the Wellspring. It gave him one glorious wish, which he used to become human Gene Shalit.

That Wellspring was the vagina of none other than Rainbow Dash.

>>158114
Because of events I've chronicled above, there was now $500,000 sitting on the porch of Gene Shalit cat's ranch style home in the distant past on Planet Frank. Since Shalit was now a human and had no further need of a ranch style home designed for a cat's body, and also he didn't need the $500k anymore because he had gotten his wish and become a real boy, so he just sort of left things the way they were. This turned out to be a mistake, because as it turns out the ranch-style home had been designed and built single-handedly by architect Frank Gehry, who had been flown in from the past specifically to build this home. It had been revealed to him in a dream by John Elway of the future that he must travel to the past and build a house that will be 40 cubits deep, and 800 cubits deep, and a minimum of 8922 cubits deep. In depth it must be 9000 cubits, and also 23 cubits deep. Also, all of these measurements had to be resized to fit an inside-out cat.

Well, Frank Gehry ain't no fucking bitch and he rose to the challenge like a boss architect from outer space (which he literally was; see the Chronicles of Frank Gehry Ch. XXIV verses 19-32. Cross-reference with Outer Zebulon: A Brief History by Lewis Carroll and I think you'll see what I'm talking about, nudge nudge wink wink say no more). However, the cat for whom it was built only lived there for like six months before he found another place on account of his having been given a shiny new body by John "Don't Be Afraid of the Dark" Elway and the Wellspring of horse pussy or whatever the fuck I said. Frank Gehry doesn't take that sort of shit lying down if you know what I mean, so he flew into a murderous rampage and swore revenge.

Meanwhile, as many as 900 and no fewer than 12 Gypsies appeared in the world that day, for they had formerly been players for the Washington Redskins, who had accidentally fallen into the rift in the time space continuum torn by a 56 yard pass thrown by Tony Curtis portraying John Elway in a false version of Super Bowl XXII that had been staged on the Moon and broadcast to the Earth as an intricate hologram in order to confound the eternal Jew. The Gypsies mostly just went to the house because they were all fans of the architecture of Frank Gehry and wanted to see the new cat house he had designed. However it wasn't the kind of cat house that they had been hoping for and so they became angry and burned it down. However while they were burning it down they found $500,000 on the porch, so they took that for their pain and suffering. When Frank Gehry arrived on the scene two hours later he found his master work to be a flaming ruin, and vowed revenge for the second time that day.

Meanwhile, the Gypsies used the $500,000 to open a chain of frozen yogurt stands, which the ponies of the time had never heard of. It became successful, and as it turned out frozen yogurt is a natural aphrodisiac for ponies, and they were fruitful and multiplied in number. Yea and then the Spirit of John Elway did look upon the ponies of Equestria and declare that it was good, and he kicked a really sweet field goal that flew across the sky and became the first Sonic Rainboom that would later echo across the heavens five hundred million times, and then it traveled through space and became whatever portion of Football hadn't been created yet. This is how John Elway was able to go from 94% to 95% football. The story of the remaining 5% is for another day.

Anyway, the vengeful ghost of Frank Gehry returned to the future to take his revenge. Did I mention that he was a ghost now? Because he was a ghost now. This is because he ran afoul of some pirates along the way, whose ship was captained by none other than Bill Clinton, whose butthole had recently been freed from being eternally joined with the butthole of inside out cat Gene Shalit. Bill Clinton's ship would later travel to the Lost City of Atlantis, which at that time was just called the Regular City of Atlantis, where he would dig up a five hundred million year old haunted cursed mummy, whom he would later wed and join in a blood pact with so they could try to take over the world. It is because of this blood pact that Bill Clinton must consume the flesh of orphans in order to sustain himself. Wheat Thins also work, but his preference is orphans.

Anyway what the fuck was I talking about. Oh yes, the ghost of Frank Gehry traveled to the year 1999, where Prince's film Purple Rain was being filmed for later distribution in the past. Anyway after a long wall of text about nothing he had forgotten why he was there, and then remembered that he was supposed to take revenge on somebody. He had forgotten who though. Then he went to New York to a party at one of his own buildings, and saw film critic Gene Shalit there, licking human buttholes like he hadn't even used to be an inside out cat. Frank Gehry immediately remembered that this was the guy, and flew into a rage and started blowing papers and stuff all around the room, because he was a ghost now and that was the best he could do. And Gene Shalit was all like "oh no I stacked those papers neatly and now they are blowing around the room who the fuck is doing this?" and ghost Frank Gehry was all like "heh heh heh it was me, that's what you get for not living in the house I built for you you fucking faggot" but Gene Shalit couldn't hear him because he was a ghost now. I mean Frank Gehry was a ghost, not Gene Shalit. If Gene Shalit had been a ghost he would have been able to hear him because ghosts can usually hear each other. However if Gene Shalit had been a ghost and Frank Gehry had not it wouldn't have worked. Although maybe it would have since Frank Gehry was the one laughing and would have been the human in that scenario, and ghosts can usually hear humans, it's just the opposite that usually doesn't work so well.

That is why you need a medium to hear ghosts laugh or ask them questions.

John Elway, may you and your ponies bless the XFL. The NFL keeps killing itself, so we need the XFL to succeed.

oh no

>>158133
Is Football against cat cruelty?

>>158244
>>157869

Handegg is fake and gay. Football is where its at.

(((John Elway))) is a false Prophet. Oliver Kahn is the true champion of Football.

>>158245
>John Elway is a false prophet
>German flag
Get off the computer, Ahmed.

>>158245
Heh. That you have to shill your pathetic live action foosball game this hard just shows your level of desperation, Jamal. And your false prophet shall be dealt with in due time.

As long as redpills are being dropped, let me tell you a thing or two about (((Oliver Kahn))).

Oliver Kahn was created in a laboratory over four thousand years ago. He was created by combining the DNA of a British orphan boy who wanted more porridge with that of Kahn from King of the Hill. However, the creature that emerged from the genetic Dutch oven in which he was constructed did not resemble anything his creators had intended, and so he was cast out into the wilderness to fend for himself. He was able to scrape by on the strength of his bearing a striking resemblance to Gary Busey, but beyond that he had little redeeming qualities other than an ability to play an obscure kickball derivative that was popular among the more savage tribes of the unsettled territories.

On the strength of this, he founded a church of False football, which would later gain great malevolent power by bathing in the blood of children. In five hundred million years time, a follower of this church would travel back in time and create…….the Oakland Raiders. Just sayin'.

>>158363
This post is correct.
Oliver Kahn, not good.
John Elway, a good prophet.

>>158133
>The story of the remaining 5% is for another day.
It's another day, can we hear the story of how John Elway became 100% football?

>>158672
Well, the story begins in rural Idaho, where a young man named Philip Glass was first beginning to write minimalist compositions. Few people are aware of the music that Glass wrote during his time in rural Idaho, and that is because it has been kept secret, hidden from the public because of the knowledge it contains. However, one such piece was called Can You Feel the Love Tonight, the title of which was later stolen by known poofta Elton John for an unrelated composition. It was this piece that, when played backwards, would open up a rift in the dimensional fabric that led directly between our universe and the universe in which everyone has two buttholes, and this is important for several reasons which I can't tell you just yet.

Meanwhile, back in Equestria, the chain of frozen yogurt stands that I had mentioned earlier was causing a population boom among ponies. This was good for the local yogurt economy, and also for Football, for every time a pony orgasms it causes fluctuations in Football which ripple throughout time and expand Football by one tenth of a thousandth of a millionth of a percent, which over time will lead to Maximum Football. At that time the universe will end and everything will start all over again. However we are not even close to that point yet.

The main thing to remember is that at this time John Elway was only 95% football. And so it was that he did look to the heavens and cry out to his almighty father John Elway, "O John Elway, please tell me how I, your faithful servant John Elway, can become more Football so that I might be more like John Elway?" And in response, the heavens did part, and John Elway did hear a small portion of Can You Feel the Love Tonight being played backwards, and a rift in the universe did open up down the middle of the first rift in the universe, and John Elway did step through into the universe where everyone has two buttholes. And he did journey thence to the top of Mount Ararararararararararararat, which in that universe was called Mount Evans, and he did ascend to the lofty height of twelve million cubits, which made him nearly as tall as the mountain itself. And then the Mountain Troll did come out from his cave, and did begin to fart from both of his buttholes, and in that universe any fart from the second butthole was tuned exactly one fifth below the farts from the first butthole, allowing anyone in that universe to play the bass part of a butthole jug band. And the other mountain folk did come out of their caves and did dance a hearty butthole jig, and bluegrass fart music did rent the heavens asunder, allowing John Elway to step into an entirely different universe, where everything smells like peaches for some reason but otherwise it looks normal.

In that world, John Elway sought out John Elway, who sent him to see John Elway, the nigger destroyer, who at that time was destroying niggers in what would later become known as San Diego. And as he rent his final nigger asunder, John Elway didst approacheth him and ask "Hey John Elway, tell me how I can become more like you, John Elway." And John Elway did say unto John Elway: "Take the next bus into the holy city of Denver, and there all shall be revealed unto you."

And so it was that John Elway hopped on the interdimensional space bus, which is sort of like a regular bus except it goes through space and it's all interdimensional and shit, and eventually that bus passed through twelve thousand million versions of Denver until eventually it arrived in the Denver at which John Elway's destiny was to be fulfilled. He arrived during the middle of Super Bowl XXXII, where The Denver Broncos were squaring off against their arch rivals, the Denver Broncos. The Denver Broncos had fought their way through the entire NFC to get to this point, defeating The Denver Broncos, the Denver Broncos, the Denver Broncos, and even their bitter nemesis from the previous year, the Denver Broncos. Everyone in the audience was also the Denver Broncos, and the game was being watched at home by millions upon millions of the Denver Broncos. For this was the universe in which everyone is the Denver Broncos, and as you can well imagine, it is the most holiest of all universes. And all the Denver Broncos did stand aside when they saw him, and all the Denver Broncos did stand up and sing the national anthem, which in that world is Can You Feel the Love Tonight by Philip Glass.

And the Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft the Great Football from the bosom of the lake that was in the middle of the football field for some reason, signifying by divine providence that John Elway was to become an additional 5% Football. And so it was that John Elway did kick the mightiest of field goals, and made five hundred thousand more touchdowns, leading the Denver Broncos to a final, glorious victory. And then John Elway's Football Hat did glow bright orange, a glare so blinding that it enveloped all, and that universe was rent asunder for like the fifth or sixth time, and John Elway did return to Equestria, surrounded by the heavenly light of 100% Football.

And the ponies did rejoice.

>>158807
can you give me the vector of lord Elways magnificent footballesque head?

>>158824
nevermind, im retarded and forgot how to photoshop for a second.

>>158824
>>158825
this is the one I use if it helps you to spread the message of football

>>158450
>Jew Aryanne
Blasphemy.

>>158867
Pleb
(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

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