/mlpol/ - My Little Politics

>>376992
Sunset's sister met her gaze and Sunset beamed back at her. She looked away, still a bit grumpy it seemed.

"Its good. I take it," Sunset said as she leaned forward and her face with her elbows to the table.

The girl flushed, then seemed to mull over what to say next. She peered back at Sunset.

"It is. Thank you... Sis," she said.

"Aww, anything for you, my little princess," Sunset said and gently
brushed the girl's cheek.

She pulled her face back and with a grating sound push her plate away.

"But I rather not eat if it means you will treat me like a kid." She crossed her small arms.

Sunset blinked.

"I don't look down on you-"

"But you don't show me respect."

Sunset looked a bit dejected, but like, not over-dramatically.

"What do you mean. I respect you." Sunset reached out a hand to grasp the girl's shoulder.

The girl sighed and rolled her eyes.

"You treat me like kid and-" The girl use her other hand to shove off Sunset's. "-You're waaay too clingy."

Sunset furrowed her eyebrows.

"B-b-but you use to ask me to carry you around piggyback style, hello?" Sunset waved a hand in the air.

Then she stood up. Grabbed the back of her neck with one iron grip and the started rapping with her knuckles at the girl's head.

"Anyone there, Mcfly? Think!"

The girl looked to the side while chewing her underlip.

"Because, as I said, I'm not a little kid anymore who think you're... Uhh..." A small blush creept up upon her cheeks.

Someone hanged some weights on Sunset's heart.

"Don't you like me anymore?"

The girl sent her a caring look.

"Of course I still like you but... I... Feel so locked in with you. You see me as a little girl and you your hands are always on me. I just want some space."

Now Sunset really looked dejected.

"I don't think I condescend towards you. I know you're bright, sis. Don't I always tell you that you got a big head on your shoulders."

The girl pouted and started to play with the purple bang in her fringe.

"Yes," she said and mentally added, But I don't believe you.

There was a small pause in their conversation before Sunset picked up where she left off.

"And I don't know... When can I touch you then? I love you, sis. I just want to make you feel loved."

The girl looked a bit guilty at first but then sent Sunset a glare.

"Ah, so it is for my sake, is it?"

A pause, then.

"Yes, it is. I do mean it!" Sunset met her gaze with a one of fierce determination.

They stared at each other for a bit then the girl focused back on her cake. Sunset followed suit and dug in to her cake that she hadn't touch so far. It was good, hmmmm.

"Regardless, I don't like it, so stop," the girl said.

Sunset clicked her tongue but then raised her hands up in surrender motion.

"Fine. I guess I won't touch you ever again," Sunset said.

The girl sighed.

"It's just how you do it that's the problem. You're like an octopus." The girl held her arms out and hands open as if they were the claws of a crab ready to nib a passerby swimmer's toes, given the chance.

Sunset's smile returned. She laughed.

"An octopus, huh?"

"You are. It's like, I'm your doll-"

"But I think I prefer being called a squid, that way I'd have cool cap."

Sunset snapped her fingers.

"No no no, I'd be a kraken. I'd sink ships and cause tidal waves," She said, flexed her bicep, and her lean upper arm form a bulge out with modest ball of muscle.

The girl rolled her eyes at the display but seemingly despite herself, a smile formed on her lips.

Sunset saw it and grew devil horns.

"And by the way, you're right. You're my doll. The cutest porcelain doll money can buy,"Sunset purred and cupped the girl's face and let her thumb caress her cheek.

At first the girl looked surprised by the touch but then pushed Sunset's hand away with deadpanned eyes but she still held onto her small smile.

That's all Sunset need to see to smirk as well.

The girl adopted a pleading look and grabbed Sunset's retreating hand. She brought the bigger hand down on the table with her own hands, nailed Sunset to the table with no force at all.

"Still, sis, I get that you like me but it gets... Too much sometimes," the girl said as she gave Sunset puppy eyes.

Sunset didn't look pleased.

"Please," Twilight added.

Sunset closed her eyes and sighed through her nose as her mouth formed a thin line. After a long moment, she nodded.

"Okay, I'll... Show you less love," Sunset struggled out.

The girl seemed to mull the words over before nodding with smile.

"Thank you."

And so the moment was gone and their hands broke apart. In fact, it was Sunset who broke the contact first. They continue to eat their cake slices in silence except for the background sound of the urban life buzzing around them.

>>376992
Nice!

Despite starting on hers later than the girl's, Sunset finished her cake first as the girls still had a lot of whipped cream (which she seemed to have deliberately been shaving off the slice with her spoon during the meal) and the edge of her slice left to finish. She ate slower now and she looked at the dessert with an exhausted gaze.

"You don't have to finish, if you're full," Sunset said and pointed at the girl's slice.

"I know," the girls said, "but it feels bad to waste it."

"Okay, but you don't wanna make yourself nauseous over it. It's meant to make you feel happy not ill."

The girl head her head downwards which sunset knew meant that she was thinking.

She pushed the plate a bit towards Sunset.

"Could you help me finish it?"

"Sure, I could eat the rest if you like."

"Okay."

With that, Sunset placed the plate on top of her clean (or relatively) plate.

She dug up the leftover whipped cream and re-mixed it with the rest of the cake.

"You don't like whipped cream?" Sunset asked before taking a spoonful.

"No, I like it. It was just too much, it drowns the cake."

Sunset hadn't really felt that about her own piece but she refrained from saying so, different strokes and all that.

DIII-DIII-DIII-DIIIIIING!

A blistering sound forced the pair to hunch over the table and made prompted them to attempt to squash their heads with their hands as they pushed their palms hard against their ears. Each high-pitch note that sounded like a baby made of glass crying dragged on for so long that the next note didn't replace it as much as overlapped it.

Sunset glanced around and saw other people protecting their ears as well.

The town's alarm bells were ringing. Sunset knew that that meant there was an attack but she wonder who would be attack them.

That question was soon answered as the alarm bells initial sound burst wore off but was replaced with another more chilling sound, although loud as a thunder strike and distinctly inhuman: A roar from above.

Sunset had already drawn the conclusion of what was attacking them but couldn't believe it yet.

Her doubts ceased to exist as a distinct shadow flew over them and continue down a nearby street; the shadow portrayed jagged wings and a long thin tail.

More sounds hit their ears, this one similar to sitting next to waterfall. The few shadows that existed in alleys and behind parasols and such on sunny and clear day as this one disappeared as blinding light poured down on nearby buildings. The buildings stood against the onslaught but the longer the beam of fire was directed at anything the more the object ceased to be. Slowly but certainly, things hit were chipped away at. It began with scorched marks, then the thing caught fire, before it crumpled in on itself, and then even the piece were reduced to ash, which was really just a name for dust but burnt, after all.

Panic engulfed the citizens and they fled like startled cows (like, really startled). The destination? Anywhere, but here. Sunset jumped on the girl and engulfed her in suffocating embrace, pulling her out of the way of the stream of people running straight at them. Right after her fast thinking, she was vindicated as the table and chairs they had previously enjoying were overturned. The glass table, did not hold this treatment and broke in thousands of tiny pieces. As people ran and stumbled across it.

The table they had been sitting at belong to a restaurant and was part of their outdoors area. It was elevated a bit from the rest of the cobblestone road it was sort of part of and this mini-balcony had a railing made of stone. Sunset crawled with the girl hanging onto her like a koala over to the corner of the railing took cover there.

There Sunset waited.

Yells, cries in pain, and other outburst surrounded them as people ran. Eventually, the place was deserted, except for a few people who laid on the ground either groaning, crying, or worse, not.

Sunset peeked over the edge and saw that to her luck the beast was flying away from them. Now, she had it confirmed with her eyes as well.

It was a dragon.

>>376995
What was weird was that when she heard it's roar she almost felt as if she could understand it. Not what it said but kinda. It felt more like someone yelled at her in different language then when a dog, or any other animal, barked at her.

Her eyes went back to the girl and she hunched down to her level. She still covered her ears even though the alarm bells' volume had lowered significantly since they were set off. Probably to make it possible to communicate over it once you knew of the danger. The girl also kept her eyes closed.

"Twilight," Sunset said and brushed away some hair from her forehead. "Are you okay? We should get out of here."

The girl whose name was Twilight, opened her eyes wide and nodded though it looked more like her head trembled.

"I-I'm o-okay," she whispered and nodded.

"Can you stand?" Sunset asked but she had already grabbed onto Twilight's shoulders and was in the midst of pulling her to her feet.

So when Twilight answered with an, "Mmm," she was already standing.

Sunset hunched down again but with her back towards Twilight this time.

"We need to get out of here. Hop on, we'll cover more ground if I carry you." Sunset looked back at Twilight with a serious expression.

Twilight looked around with at the devastation and at the people laying and crawling around. She made a grimace of pain and horror witnessing the scene around her.

"Shouldn't we try to help people here?"

"Twilight, the dragon can come back any minute. If it does, we're dead. I will not risk your life for some stranger. Now get on!"

Sunset's eyes were hard and left no room for arguements.

Twilight threw a last pitying gaze at the surrounding people in pain before she climbed onto her sister's back, piggyback style.

As soon as Sunset's hands latched onto Twilight's legs, her finger hooked in under her thighs next to her knees, she took off. She stepped up on the stone railing before jumping off onto the street below and taking off in sprint towards home.

Is home safe? What if... Sunset thought but she didn't really wanna finish the thought.

However, she was not alone in that chain of thought.

"Do you think mom and dad are okay?" asked Twilight as she spoke from behind, directly into her ear.

Sunset could hear the worry in Twilight's voice. Sunset shared that worry. Were her foster parents, okay?

"Let's find out," Sunset said through gritted teeth as she steeled her gaze forward not paying the passing devastation around her any heed as it all swished pass her in blur due to her swift running speed.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ End of Chapter

This story is partly inspired by this story, https://www.fimfiction.net/story/387278/birthrights-and-love , but really like only two elements are similar. Still I like that story and would recommend it.

>>376994
Thank you. ^^
I did put a lot of effort into it so that feels nice.

>>376992
Minor formatting error
The colors for each spoken character is 'wrong' for the first two spoken lines, before shifting to their respective colors

>>376992
>>376993
>>376995
Its decent so far. There are a few instances of less-than-ideal phrasing especially in the descriptions. Its easy to discern what you mean.
Additionally, some minor edits would give it a better flow and less run on sentences.
Example:
>Sunset's eyes wander across the street.
Should be an addendum to the previous paragraph, imstead reading something like:

>She looked away and hid her head from view with on arm, scratching her head before her eyes wandered across the street.

Or alternatively, you could reformat this paragraph:
>Sunset's eyes wander across the street. It followed the horse-drawn chariots as it passed by the nearby road, but then stuck to an owl perched on the shoulder of a robed woman with white staff with ornamented by carved in lines that depicted vegetation and flowers, only for her eyes to jump to
Wait hold up.
>It followed the hprse-drawn chariots
Is it one chariot? If so, it's "a horse-drawn' chariot (unless you are referring to one previously mentioned) and it shouldn't be plural

I would recommend rewritimg that section:
>Her eyes wandered across the street, drawn first by a horse-drawn chariot that promptly disappeared down a nearby road before being called to an owl standing on a robed woman's shoulder. She peered at a staff the woman was holding, it's surface displaying an ornate array of carved lines and smooth curves depicting vegetation and flowers before the crackling(?) sounds of electricity draw her attention upward toward the top of one of the nearby buildings.
Its's partially an issue of english phrasing, partially an issue of run-on sentencing. I get that you're trying to give a narration to otherwise passive/meandering gaze, but that whole paragraph/sentence needs work. This occurs elsewhere

Be careful of overuse of commas!

Your dialogue is my favorite part

>>377000
>>377001
True, saw before, when making the color tags but then forgot to fix. Thought I had. ^^
>>377003
Yh, I was unsure of that paragraph but I could really get my passion up to make it better. Just wanted to finish the chapter. So, I quickly proofread it and crossed my fingers in that I wouldn't discover any flaws in it.
> I get that you're trying to give a narration to otherwise passive/meandering gaze,
Yeah, that was what I was going for.

But yeah, I'll try to fix such paragraphs in the future. I think they are a product of laziness in edit but maybe my next piece of writing will show that.

>Be careful of overuse of commas!
What are the negative consequences of overusing commas? Do they break flow? I must admit that I kinda like commas.

Anyway, thanks for your more 'negative' notes. I'll try to learn.^^

>Your dialogue is my favorite part
Thank you, fren. ^^ What specific part do you like? The substance (what they are talking about) or the way they talk about it, or something else?

>>377004
>commas
Like in that paragraph. Even when writing meanderingly, consider avoiding nterjecting too many alternating phrases in a sentence with use of commas. This would direct you to include less description per sentence, but more detail allowig your reader to better visualize

>>377004
>dialogue
I like the general feel of it. Im not a big fan of Slice-of-Life no offense, but the story isnt my cup of tea, but constructive criticism only but there's a believable quality to the dialogue that both carries with the plot and illustrates their characters in behavioral ways. If someone told me that was an actual dialogue between sisters I wouldn't doubt it.

>>377005
>This would direct you to include less description per sentence, but more detail allowig your reader to better visualize
Okay. Let me think about for a bit.

Also, don't feel like you're forced to answer all my questions. Just saying you like what I wrote or disliked it is good enough for me, the worst thing is silent reaction to my writing, after all.

>>377006
>but there's a believable quality to the dialogue that both carries with the plot and illustrates their characters in behavioral ways.
>If someone told me that was an actual dialogue between sisters I wouldn't doubt it.
*Blushes*
That's pretty high praise. Thank you. ^^

I didn't finish it but this is a 2/3 of chapter two.

Tell, me what you think so far.

---
Chapter 2 --- Home's where The Heart is

"
'If judge Judy was ruling over this case, she'd rule in favor of the McKennas.'

'So you didn't sell your wife into slavery, like you said you would?'

'No, ma'am.'
"

purps
sunny
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>>377275
Twilight bounced up and down on her sisters back. It was hard sitting still, this time. Usually, although it was a long time ago she got a piggyback ride, she would barely move as not to make it difficult for Sunset; this time however, she felt this strong urge to jump down and run on her own.

Sunset ran through a crowd of fleeing citizens in counter-current fashion. Twilight knew this didn't bode well. She had recognized the path they were on. It was one of the paths to their house but if people were running away from there... She felt her being squeezed by merciless hand. She really didn't know what to do if she something had happened to her parents. I guess, that was the whole point, there would be nothing she could do.

Twilight's hands held onto Sunset around her shoulders but she clasped her them together beneath Sunset's throat.

"Please, God," Twilight whispered to God but being essentially next to Sunset's ear made her pick up on it as well. "Please, let Mommy and Daddy be okay. Please pleaseplease-pleeeease. Owww. Ple-e-ease..."

Twilight whined and sobbed out the last parts.

Sunset gripped Twilight's clasped hands with on of her own.

"Shhh, Twilight, shhh," Sunset whispered back as she felt Twilight convulse irregular on her back while she would feel her wet cheek on the side of her neck. "Don't lose hope, yet they could be completely fine just as worried about us as we are about them."

Twilight breathing steadied itself and she hugged Sunset so hard that she started to constrict her throat somewhat.

"I-I'm sorry. *hiccup* I guess I'm just a little kid after all. *hic* Thank you, big sister." Twilight whispered into Sunset's ear so closely that her mouth and Sunset's ear were touching.

Sunset kept running. Letting the world around her become a blur as she knew the path home by heart. She pushed her cheek towards Twilight and soon found her cheek. They brushed against each other like that for a while. Both of them, even Sunset, shut their eyes in the act.

Sunset brought up her other side's hand up to Twilight's outer cheek and caressed it like one would a newborn kitten.

"Twi, you don't need to say sorry. I... It's me. I just... Can't seem to stop myself," Sunset said seemingly with much difficulty.

Twilight peered at her sister with glassy eyes, seeming about ready to overflow again. She opened her mouth but it was as if Sunset had a sixth sense regarding her speaking because she got interrupted before she even got a word in.

"But let's talk about that later, okay? Can you be on the lookout for the dragon in the sky?" Sunset rapped off.

Twilight nodded but then realized Sunset couldn't really see her without straining herself and said, "Yes, I can look for it."

She immediately looked to and fro up towards the sky. Meanwhile, she noticed that Sunset took the shortcut at the end of this path home in her peripheral. Sunset jumped and skipped a couple steps at staircase. During the landing, Twilight had glued her stomach and chest with Sunset's back to prevent her from hitting herself on her back. Sunset raced through a bunch of slithering, interconnected alleyways, which width was so short that Twilight had always felt threaten by the walls there since it felt like they could flatten her at any time. However, this time, even the crude graffiti on the walls felt reassuring.

Sunset turned a corner and grinded to a halt outside of the labyrinth of alleyways. Twilight's head spun in the direction of where she knew it to be, however, what she found wasn't the blue villa that was their house. Instead, she found a black brick foundation of a house with flames dancing on the house's grave sending off a pillar of black smoke rising with the wind.

The fact that the whole area had been burnt to crisp, didn't really register with Twilight as she completely tunneled on the corpse of her
home.

Not even Sunset could be the strong one this time.

"No!" Sunset yelled.

If Sunset had run fast before, she practically galloped now. It only took a brief two minutes to reach their home but in that time, Twilight lived for years. Like an earthquake had hit her, she trembled.

Sunset ran passed the shattered stone wall and gate, passed the piles of ashes that previously had been the home's garden, but then fell on her knees in front of the cracked porch. She been panting for a while now and her legs had been burning for a bit as well but it wasn't physical exhaustion that brought her to her knees.

She clenched her teeth together but her face did not display anger but despair. She sat there stunned.

Twilight hopped off her step sister's back and ran passed Sunset, on her way in the smoldering wreckage that was their house. The flames had been replaced by glowing and sparking embers in the ashes by now.

Sunset gasped and then snatched Twilight's hand with the speed of snake lounge.

Twilight tried to pulled herself lose but Sunset held so hard that she'd probably leave a mark. Sunset then, with one jerk of her hand, pulled Twilight off her feet and in close to her body. She then spun and then placed Twilight underneath, on the ground. Sunset's body formed a protective cocoon over Twilight.

"Sunset, what are you doing?" Twilight asked in anguish. "Let me go, or I'll bite you. Mom and Dad-"

"Could be dead. I'm not letting you see that," Sunset said.

Twilight ceased to struggle immediately.

"No, please. No."

Sunset gave her a soft hug.

"Hopefully, they aren't, but I'll check. Not you."

I got a bit too many Sunset pics and a bit too few twis, mb.

>>377276
Sunset let go of her smaller sister. Despite what one might assume, Twilight didn't immediately rush towards the ruin of their old house but instead just laid there with her eyes shut. Her lip twisted into a grimace of pain. She clasped her hands again.

Sunset stood up, walked over to the wrecked porch, and, by threading carefully, stepped into what used to be the entrance hall. Well, the walls still stood but the it's small roof, the burnt remains of it, had fallen onto the floor.

"Mom! Dad!," Sunset shouted as she continue to on the still warm ashes around her.

If Sunset walked too fast, she'd kick it up in the air and get into her lungs. She pulled off her shirts, folded it and then tied it around her face like a mask.

"Twilight Velvet! Night Light!" Sunset placed her hands around her mouth to amplify her shouting.

Sunset entered what used to be the kitchen and found the legs of the dinner table stick out underneath the top floor that had caved in on top.

"Velvet! Light!" she shouted but this time closer to the caved in floor.

If they are here (and alive), Sunset thought, How I'm I suppose to find them in all this rubble?

She looked around in exasperation. She found that the few things that weren't burnt were the things that had been covered by something else that had. A cupboard had tipped over and most of the porcelain on it's shelves were broke. However, there were also a trio of perfectly intact stuffed animals: A grey horse wearing white polka-dotted blue shorts, a cute and demure looking hedgehog with soft, fuzzy fabric where the spikes would normally be, and a lion with goofy smile on its features.

It almost made, Sunset pause in her search seeing how her old bedroom friend had survived: Edgy, the hedgehog.

On the stove, Sunset saw that food had been splattered. She found the cauldron of responsible the floor leaving a trail of soup from there to the stove. An idea started to form in Sunset's head and a knot in her heart. It froze to a block of ice as she followed the trail back to the stove and saw soup drip of the stove onto the floor.

She crouched down and hooked hold of the ledge of the caved-in floor. She inhaled and then tried to stand up. Her leg muscles went from relaxed to tense to explosively flexed. The floor moved.

She could lift it just a bit and she managed to lift it on inch at a time with a lot of effort. She yelled through clenched teeth and a strained grimace. Her fingers felt flat by the weight they held up.

She got it up to her waistline before she stopped.

"I think I see... Mom!" said Twilight's voice from behind her.

Sunset nearly jumped but managed to restrain herself and still hold the weight up.

She had sort of figured that Twilight would eventually come in here if it took too long.

Twilight was on her all fours next to her as she crawled passed Sunset underneath the floor she was lifting with all her might.

"TWILIGHT! Get out of there," Sunset shouted.

Twilight paid her no heed and continued to crawl.

"Mom! Please, wake up," Twilight shouted from beneath the caved-in floor.

"What? Is Velvet there? Twilight?" Sunset tried to duck her head to see Twilight but it wasn't possible. Immediately, the strain of lifting the floor, returned in full force.

Twilight had crawled a broken wine bottle and some overturned chair. She had stopped next to an unconscious woman with striped white and purple hair.

Twilight's heart jumped up into her throat at the sight. She grabbed the woman's shoulders and shook them. There was no response.

"Mom. Do you hear me?" Twilight almost whispered towards the woman, then she didn't anymore. "Mom! Please wake up!"

Still the woman did not move.

"Ahh..." Twilight's scream turned into a whimper.

Twilight felt as if she was gonna fall in on herself that's when she hear Sunset call her name.

"Twilight! Twilight! Twilight!" Sunset called. "What is happening in there?"

"It's mom! She won't wake up!" Twilight crawled back towards Sunset. If anyone could help, it be her.

Sunset blew out steam on the regular but she kept the floor up. Twilight's desperation shone on her face.

"Can you pull her out of there?" Sunset asked.

Twilight gestured with both her hands in the direction of their mom.

"I don't know! I don't even know if she's alive and-"

"Stop it! Calm down, sis. Crawl back in there and check for a pulse. Try to pull her out if you can."

Twilight nodded with clenched teeth before worming back under again.

Sunset increased her frequency of exhales and inhales in preparation for what she had in mind. She closed her eyes and imagined falling down her throat and travel to her heart. The feeling of heat emanating from glowing coal spread out from her heart to every nook and cranny of her body. She could hear the crackle of glowing or burning.

She opened her eyes and saw her arms gleam in sweat and be red like a cooked lobster. She glanced into a pile of nearby ashes, it had come to life with a small glow.

Her muscles creaked as their skin seemed to peel of them and the tendon and flesh seemed to tangle in on itself.

The floor felt several times lighter than before. She pulled it passed her waist and up on her shoulders before pushing off again, standing tall with the floor resting on her hands of her upwards stretched arms. Now, when the floor had been pushed up so far Sunset's head was beneath it, even she saw Velvet.

Twilight stood on her knees next to the woman with her two fingers on her throat. When she saw Sunset, her eyes went wide. Her lip trembled.

Sunset saw Twilight's seemingly scared expression.

>>377277
"Twilight? Twilight!" Sunset asked.

Twilight snapped out of it.

"I can feel her pulse. It's there," Twilight said.

"Okay, that's good. Can you pull her out of there?"

"I don't know." Twilight wrapped her arms around Velvet's stomach and grimaced as she tried to lift with her back. "I don't... Think."

Sunset nodded and closed her eyes.

"Okay."

She felt the palms of her hands sink into the floor she was holding up. A sizzling sound came from her hands along with trails of smoke slithering away from her hands.

----

That's all I had. Clearly, it ends abruptly in the middle of the chapter.

Anyway, I'm grateful for any input of any size.

>>377279
This is great. Keep it coming.

>>377280
Thank you, I might because you said that, otherwise, I might have not.

>>377331
>otherwise, I might have not.
That's really sad to see. Im not that guy, Im the guy who gave tips for the earlier chapters.
Make no mistake: it's already a really good, developing story. Never doubt that, even around a ghost-town like the board can be. I'll offer suggestions a bit later, but please don't think your work is unappreciated; I said Im not a fan of slice of life, but never said I wasnt enjoying it

>>377331
Whatever you post I always read

>>377331
I don't always engage because tbh I don't think I'm qualified to critique writing, but your posts are excellent. Keep up the good work.

>>377343
Thank you, that means a lot to me.
Nice pictures, I like the first one a lot.
>>377348
>I'm qualified to critique writing
^^ I don't think one needs to be qualified. Tell me whatever thoughts that pop up, if you feel like it. I appreciate it.
>your posts are excellent.
Thank you, that feels nice to hear but are you qualified to give critique? ;^P
>>377341
>Make no mistake: it's already a really good, developing story. Never doubt that
I do like certain aspects of what I have written but others less. When I write off-the-cuff like I'm now, I find myself always worrying about my scenes having a point. I mean, kinda of a spoiler but not really, the original "story" was really just a scene where Sunset defends her sister Twilight from a dragon. It's just an action scene that might lead onto more story revolving the mystery of where Sunset's powers comes from, later on. However, I haven't even gotten to that action yet.

There are two things that bother me with what I have written so far:
1. The parts that I do like don't really tie into the continuation of the story. For example, the Sunset's clinginess and Twilight's apprehension about it is something I think came out well. However, I don't have a plan on where to take that now nor do I now where it fits into a primarily action-adventure story. Maybe, I can just leave it as a standalone, as an introductory scene that has very little with the rest of the story. Maybe, it has merit in just being by itself. But another part of my thinks I should continue to develop this idea along the story.

I had more to say and I'll try to get around to it. The spoiler beneath is basically the points I have left to make but I didn't formulate them that well probably:
2. Parts, I don't like might, like this latest chapter where I felt it was a bit tedious and also lacked tension for the scene. (Did I get stuck seeing the trees for the forest?)
3. I think that writers in general have hard time telling if people like what they write, like that last section of what I wrote it's hard for me to imagine anyone liking it. That also makes me ask the question if I write for myself or to entertain others, or something in between, and why I'm doing what I'm doing.
Do I sound pretentious right now? Well, it's kinda you're fault, you shouldn't have said such nice things.

>but please don't think your work is unappreciated; I said Im not a fan of slice of life, but never said I wasnt enjoying it
I'm really happy about that, thank you.

>>377397
>The Maker's eye is never satisfied
There will never be a point where you will feel like any project or effort was "your absolute best". There is always room for improvement, and part of creative production is deciding when a thing is refined "enough"

>>377397
Also, I may have ADD and if so, I'll get medicine for that. Regardless, I struggle to get things done but I also can find myself bored of continuing a story sometimes. So we will see what happens. But, if I quit, it's likely it's for one of these reasons than the ones stated above.
>>377401
I think you're right.

>>377278
Sunset lowered the floor onto her shoulders and lighten the load on of her hands, almost freeing it from the burden of holding up the floor. Then she slide that hand forward along the floor leaving a trail of smoke as her hand part the floor's underside's surface as she melts it slightly. Then she followed that hand with step forward. This way she began to raise the floor above her while moving forward, closer to the unconscious body of her foster-mom Velvet.

The closer she got, the heavier it got. After some heavy lifting, Sunset reached Velvet. She grabbed her shoulder only to release her grip immediately as she heard the, now familiar, sizzling sound of burning emanating from their contact.

That small contact alone left a light-pink hand print on Velvet's skin.

Sunset cringed and peered at Twilight. Twilight looked desperate. Sunset narrowed her gaze at Velvet before she grabbed the back area of her dress. The area was constructed in leather and strings, it clearly served the same function as a corset would. She used this as a handle for a her hands. She waddled back out from the floor while carrying the woman in her hands while holding up the fallen floor on her back.

Sunset felt the strain on all her muscles. Her muscles felt like knots that her limbs struggled against rather than what she pulled with.

When she reached the end of the floor, she fell out from it and collapsed behind her bringing Velvet with her.

Twilight pounced onto her mother's side, which made Sunset realize her job was not over yet despite her body wanting to give up.

"Move sis," Sunset said and Twilight moved to the side as Sunset rolled Velvet onto her back before placing both hands on her chest.

Sunset did not know what to do next. Velvet had a pulse so did Sunset need to compress her chest? Press she just needed air or was something wrong with her head. She decided to inhale a bunch of air before putting her lips together with her mother and blowing all out into her throat.

The sizzling sound returned again and Sunset broke the "kiss" quickly and began to pump Velvet's chest with a clumsy, untrained rhythm as per the next step by the CPR manual, as done by complete amateur.

"*Gluk* Haa!" Velvet choked before wheezing out.

"Mom!"

"Velvet!"

Twilight pulled her mom into a tight embrace, as much as her small arms could to the larger woman. She started to cry into her dress, leaving dark, wet spots.

Sunset wanted to join in and make it a group hug, however, since she practically on fire she refrained. She did feel a huge sense of relief as if a big weight had been removed from her shoulders.

Velvet blinked as her gaze danced groggily as she peered down at Twilight essentially burrowing into her side.

"Twily?" she asked as she sat up on her elbows and that's when she saw Sunset. "Sunny? Why are you so red? And, are those... Horns?"

Sunset blinked and looked over at Twilight with a puzzled expression.

Twilight's eyes stretched as they peer up at Sunset. Their gazes meet before Twilight looked away, scared?

Sunset pulled her hand through her hair only to stop when her fingers touch something hard. She began to feel and grip the rock-hard appendages she had encounter that despite peering upwards, she couldn't catch a glimpse of.

There were two of them she discovered and she traced their shape with her hands. It seemed indeed that growing from her scalp a pair of backwards-bending, long horns protruded, each with the girth of both her pairs of pointer- and long- fingers put together.

The fact that she had sprouted horns made Sunset question if she was dreaming or not but the fact that they also seemed to be shrinking in her hands, made her question everything even more.

Am I cursed?

Sunset shook her head.

"I don't know. But I'm alright though. We shouldn't worry about me right now, where's Nightlight and Shining? Are they in the house?" Sunset asked Velvet.

>>377402
Of course Im right, but seriously, what you describe is highly characteristic of ADHD (idk the difference with add). If you can take nothing else to heart, take this.

If youre adhd and unmedicated, no it isnt you, life is literally harder.

>>377413
I'm not sure if this qualifies as melodramatic writing. Lethal doses of cringe ahead. Viewer discretion is advised. ;^P Jk, but I do hope that didn't over do it. It's a fine balance, like seasoning or something, or is it?

Velvet Velvet Grey
Twilight Twilight Purple
Sunset Sunset Orange

----

Velvet looked a her dumbly for a moment before she gasped.

"The alarm-bells! I was cooking and were about to leave to look for you but then I thought that Nightlight would do the same thing-and-I-thought-it-might-be-better-not-leave-so-if-you-were coming here so we'd not run past each other. I'm sorry, I should have just left," Velvet rapped off while her face trembled. She looked like she was reliving the moment.

Sunset motioned with an open hand downwards.

"That's okay. That's okay. We're fine. Where is Night and Shining?"

Velvet looked like her head was one of those IQ-puzzled with a little metal ball stuck in maze that needed to be tilted back and forth and side to side to be navigated. Eventually, she found the center.

"Nighty." She whispered. "Knowing him, he's probably on his way from the forge. And Shining..."

Velvet began to suck in air and did not stop. She looked like he son had died and now she was looking through her collection of baby-pictures.

"Argh! Why did you never listen to me? Always, with you dreaming about being knightz. Well, now there is a dragon here, what are you gonna do?" Velvet said pointed a accusatory finger at Sunset.

Sunset's face pulled all its skin to the point between her eyes in an instant.

"Ugh," Sunset exclaimed and smacked herself on the forehead. [color #FA3]"Of course, he's probably with his squad right now, looking to fight it, if not already..."

Sunset trailed off, she seemed to have lost herself in her head.

Velvet sat up and looked almost ready to move further and pounce on Sunset. Twilight clung to her arm and was carried along.

"How many times did I tell you to stop egging each other on. You're so tough, right? But now Shining will die because of all this stupid knightz crap!" Velvet yelled and stood up, almost looking keyed for a fight.

Twilight pulled away from her mom before cupping her ears, looking distressed.

Sunset eyes shut at first when she was yelled at, her mouth drawing a thin line as she was silently fuming. However, when she opened her eyes to retort and saw Twilight's uncomfortable expression, she growled.

"Grrrrrr- Stop! YELLLING!" As Sunset shouted this, a flame bloomed out of her mouth before fading away with accompanying sparkles.

While the fire hadn't been that close to even lick Velvet, she still fell back on her butt as she reeled back from it.

Sunset blinked rapidly and brought her hand to her lips, Twilight's eyes expanded to the size of saucers, and Velvet had a look between confusion and disgust.

Velvet's looked changed to one of disappointment.

"What's becoming of you, Sunset?"

"I don't... What?" Sunset pulled herself away from the confusion she felt over having just spit fire with irritation.

Velvet put a hand to her chest.

"Are you going to use your weird powers to threaten me now?"

"Tch." Sunset clicked her tongue. "No..."

"You know, might doesn't make right. You do know that, right?"

Sunset grabbed a bundle of her hair and pulled.

[color #FA3]"I... Look, this is not the time! Twi is alive and well, Night is probably too. I just saved you, mom-" Sunset gave Velvet a glare and Velvet looked to the side, looking a bit guilty. "-and now I want to find Shining and-" Sunset abruptly cut herself off.

Velvet felt something cold grasp her heart and and she inhaled through clenched teeth.

"And what? Die together?" Velvet stood up and walked up to Sunset. She stood there a moment, quiet. Then she smiled despondently at Sunset before moving a lock of her long curly beacon hair to the side. "You still don't believe me, do you?"

Sunset just blinked and stood still. Her anger placated.

"When I tell you that I love you and that, to me, you're my daughter." Velvet sniffled and few tiny crystal drops welled up over her eyes. "I don't want to lose you, either."

Velvet then moved her hands and decisively grabbed hold of one of Sunset's horns.

"This still doesn't matter to me, so long as you don't use it to hurt anyone," Velvet continued and gave a Sunset a warm smile.

Sunset's mouth gaped and closed, like a fish. There was a pleasant tingling in her heart, like someone was tickling it with a feather.

"Vel- Mom, you'll burn yourself," Sunset said and gestured to remove her hand from her horn.

Velvet stroke it with a coy smile.

"It's fine. See? It's actually quite cool."

They looked into each others eyes for a moment. Twilight looked on, feeling hopeful that the fighting was over.

The moment was interrupted as they heard a scream outside.

"Aaahhhhhrrrrgh," a male voice yelled, starting from high-pitch and then rolling down transitioning into a growl of pain.

There was a pause then the voice was heard yelling again.

"Velvet. Velvet! VELVET!"

"Dad!"
Blue for nightlight.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------End of Chapter 2

>>377428
>no it isnt you, life is literally harder.
Thank you. I think that's very good advice. I think, I have doubted my intelligence in the many times due to how unproductive I have been and felt.

>>377461
I'll be honest. I don't know how much sense there is in Velvet surviving just because she wasn't burned. She was still lying in a burning room. Should oxygen deprived in reality?