As the neverending ride roars steadily onward towards oblivion, and the ninth season continues to be dominated by pozzed leftist nonsense, it becomes increasingly apparent to me that the only way to save this thing is to crash the ride with no survivors so we can salvage what we can from the wreckage. I have therefore decided to pen this alternate ending to MLP:FiM, which begins at the same time as the mid-season finale that just aired.
By the power vested in me through these almighty digits, I hereby declare that everything contained in this thread is canon, and anything in the show contradicting these events is merely the headcanon of some deranged kikes.
Nothing to see here, I'm just shitposting.
Chapter 1: A Ponyville Wedding
“I didn’t even know they were engaged!”
Sunset Shimmer watched in slackjawed amazement as Fluttershy stepped shyly and gracefully down the aisle, her long translucent gown billowing gracefully behind her. The gown, of course, had been designed by Rarity, and was as beautiful and impractical as any of the rest of her designs.
“Yes, they’ve been engaged for about two years now,” said Twilight impatiently. “You’d know that if you were around more.”
Shimmysham twitched uncomfortably, tapping her hooves and looking nervously around. She wasn’t used to being in her pony form, and she felt absurdly self-conscious about being nude, even though it was perfectly normal here. However, today, everypony was wearing formal attire, so thanks to that she was feeling doubly self-conscious about it.
“It’s just that…I feel so out of place in Equestria now. I’ve gotten so…accustomed to the other world. Things are so different there.”
“Yes yes,” snapped Twilight impatiently. “I know. You used to be a unicorn, and now you live in another universe where you attend Canterlot High, and I occasionally go back there and have adventures with you. You exist, that world exists, those events have actually happened, it’s all canon. Just like this wedding.”
Shimmer recoiled from Twilight’s rebuke as if she had just been kicked in the crotchteats. She wasn’t used to her friend speaking to her so rudely. She wondered just what it was that had Twilight in such a pissy mood today. Wasn’t a friend’s wedding supposed to be a happy occasion? She cleared her throat and decided to change the subject.
“The...uh…the groom certainly looks…handsome.”
They both turned their attention to where Discord, dressed in an immaculate white tuxedo and top hat, was standing at the altar. A different version of him stood on the other side, wearing priestly robes and officiating the ceremony.
“Dearly beloved,” said Priest Discord, “We are gathered here today to join Discord and Fluttershy in holy matrimony. If anyone objects to this union, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.”
Multiple Discords in the crowd raised a claw in objection. Groom Discord turned to them in annoyance.
“Oh, give it a rest,” he said. “You all had your chance and you blew it.”
Several Discords got up and left the garden in a huff.
Twilight made an irritated noise in the back of her throat.
“Could we move this along please?!?” she suddenly blurted, far louder than she probably meant to.
Everypony turned toward her in openmouthed shock.
“How rude,” muttered Rarity. Along with the immaculate wedding gown, she had been responsible for converting this garden into an outdoor chapel. The result of her intense labor was a whimsical pastel-colored creation she had dubbed “Fluttershy’s Wedding Playset,” and she was immensely proud of it. She had been bragging about it for weeks to anypony who would listen.
Twilight, realizing she’d stepped well over the line, reddened and looked sheepishly at the bride.
“I’m sorry, Fluttershy,” she said. “I know it’s your big day. It’s just that the new Chancellor of the EEA is coming by to inspect the school later, and considering how it went the last time that happened, I’m a little stressed out about it. I know it’s no excuse, but…”
She trailed off incoherently, staring at the ground and turning a deep crimson as her mouth began to flap of its own volition. Sunset Shimmer felt a quivering in her nether regions as she watched the succulent purple alicorn slowly lose her spaghetti in front of the entire population of Ponyville. Sweet Celestia, it always got her so hot to see Twilight behaving like an autistic sperg. She just wanted to trap her in a magical pocket dimension and ravage her all night long…but no! Twilight must never know of these feelings.
Eventually, Twilight finished babbling, and the ceremony resumed.
“Now then,” continued Priest Discord, “Since the Princess of Friendship is soooo very busy, we’ll skip the theatrics and go right to the finale. Do you, Discord, take Fluttershy to be your lawful wedded waifu, to snuggle and to boop, for as long as you both shall live?”
“I do!” said Groom Discord. The priest turned to Fluttershy, who was looking shyly at the ground.
“And do you, Fluttershy, take Discord to be your lawful and canonical husbando, forsaking Anon and all other possible husbandos in this and all other universes and timelines, for as long as you both shall live?”
“I…um…do,” the yellow pegasus murmured softly.
“Then I now pronounce you draconequus and miniature brushable horse toy! You may now kiss the bride,” said Priest Discord.
And then Discord kissed Fluttershy, and Fluttershy kissed Discord, and then they stood there making out noisily for like fifteen minutes, to the thunderous roar of applauding hooves.
“And now,” proclaimed Discord with a dramatic flourish, “We shall depart to my Realm of Chaos, where I shall proceed to make violent love to Fluttershy's every orifice for the next several weeks! I bid you all adieu!”
The crowd of Discords gave a standing ovation, and the happy couple rose slowly and elegantly into the air, rotating slowly, before vanishing suddenly in a puff of smoke.
/mlpol/ - My Little Politics
Archived thread
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>>227577
Chapter Two: Meet the New Boss
Princess Twilight Sparkle, imaginary spaghetti still dribbling from her imaginary pockets, flapped her wings frantically as she hurried towards the Friendship School. The wedding had gone on far longer than she had anticipated, and she knew that the Princess and the new Chancellor would be waiting for her.
“Oh, Sweet Celestia!” she muttered to herself. “I’m so late! I’m never going to make it there at this rate!”
And then she realized that she could just teleport, so she did that instead of flying the rest of the way.
Inside her office, Princess Celestia was waiting for her, along with a tall, gaunt, elderly griffon she had never seen before. His long, hooked beak protruded outward and downward, his mouth curled in a perpetual frown, thick-rimmed glasses balanced across the bridge. He raised a bushy eyebrow at her as she appeared suddenly in the room.
“I’m so sorry I’m late, Princess,” she said, groveling before her former teacher in a way that would have made Sunset Shimmer’s nether regions tingle. “You see, Fluttershy’s wedding took a little bit longer than I expected, and….”
What remained of her spaghetti was depositing itself on the floor at an alarming rate. Thankfully, the Princess smiled and gave a gracious wave of her wing, as if she were trying to say “please shut the hell up, you adorable little sperg,” except she wanted to be more polite about it than that.
“It’s quite alright,” she said. “Princess Twilight Sparkle, allow me to introduce Chancellor Griffonberg, the new head of the EEA!”
Twilight turned and grinned broadly at the griffon, who only snorted.
“So…” Twilight began after several awkward seconds, “Welcome to Ponyville, Chancellor. How are you liking it here so far?”
Chancellor Griffonberg snorted again.
“It’s very dry here,” he said. “Very, very dry. My sinuses are going crazy. I don’t know how you all live here.”
His voice was a high, raspy, grating whine, and he spoke with a thick Manehattan Griffon accent. He sucked air through his enormous nostrils, as if trying to see if it was still as dry as he had previously believed. Disappointed to find that it was, he snorted a third time and continued.
“Anyway, yes. Hi, hello, my name is Herschell Griffonberg, you can call me Chancellor Griffonberg. Actually I would prefer that you call me Chancellor Griffonberg and not Herschell. And please don’t call me Mr. Griffonberg, I find that very rude. I didn’t spend all that time becoming a Chancellor just so I could be called Mister, thank you very much. Anyway, yes, hi, hello. I’m Chancellor Griffonberg, I’m the new head of the EEA, and I’ll be overseeing this school for the next few weeks, even if it means that I have to stay here and breathe in all of this terribly dry air and it’s going to be murder on my sinuses.”
“Er…Chancellor Griffonberg has been chosen to take over after Chancellor Neighsay stepped down,” Princess Celestia explained, after a few more seconds of awkward silence. “After some of the…recent incidents at your school, we felt that it would be wise to review some of the EEA’s previous policies.”
Chancellor Griffonberg cleared his throat and interjected.
“That’s right. We’re making some changes, a lot of changes actually. In Manehattan, we have some very new and exciting ideas about how to approach the future of education in Equestria. Equestria is going through a fundamental transformation, we’re going into a multicreatural mode, and we Griffons are going to be taking a leading role in that transformation. Griffons may be resented for our leading role, but without that transformation and without that leading role, Equestria will not survive. My gosh, the air here really is very dry, I don’t know how you all can stand it.”
“Um….okay….” said Twilight Sparkle. “Well, I…uh…” She still was not quite sure whether she was being scolded or not. However, the Chancellor only gave her response the briefest of nods, and then resumed his speech.
“First of all, like I said, we’re transitioning into a multicreatural society here. In Manehattan, we’re very forward thinking, very forward thinking, you see. Soon, all of Equestria is going to be like Manehattan, but first we have to get there, and your school is going to set the example, because I’m going to be overseeing it from now on. Yes, hi, how are you?”
Twilight looked over her shoulder, but didn’t see anyp—anyCREATURE else in the room. Meanwhile, Chancellor Griffonberg was looking at her as if she were expected to say something.
“Well, er…” she began. She was a little intimidated by the old griffon’s manners, but as she processed what he had said, her face suddenly brightened. “Well, I think you’ll actually be pretty happy with the way our Friendship School is being run. You see, our school is currently open to everycreature, not just ponies--“
The griffon snorted loudly and interrupted her.
“‘Open’ isn’t enough. You’ve got to have proportional representation. And by proportional, I mean you’ve got too many ponies here. Your town is called ‘Ponyville’ for Griff’s sake, that’s very problematic for all of the non-ponies who are going to be migrating here. Gosh, this air is so dry, I don’t know how you can stand it. My sinuses are going crazy. Are your sinuses going crazy? My sinuses are going crazy. Anyway, how many yaks do you have enrolled at your school?”
“Uh…just the one I think…” Twilight could feel the spaghetti beginning to dribble out of her mental pockets once more.
“Hrmph.” The griffon snorted. “You’re going to need more yaks, a lot more yaks. In Manehattan, we have thousands of yaks. Millions. You’ve never seen so many yaks until you come to Manehattan. They don’t live near me, of course, but they’re going to live near you. We have a ton of them. Yes, hi, hello.”
Chapter Two: Meet the New Boss
Princess Twilight Sparkle, imaginary spaghetti still dribbling from her imaginary pockets, flapped her wings frantically as she hurried towards the Friendship School. The wedding had gone on far longer than she had anticipated, and she knew that the Princess and the new Chancellor would be waiting for her.
“Oh, Sweet Celestia!” she muttered to herself. “I’m so late! I’m never going to make it there at this rate!”
And then she realized that she could just teleport, so she did that instead of flying the rest of the way.
Inside her office, Princess Celestia was waiting for her, along with a tall, gaunt, elderly griffon she had never seen before. His long, hooked beak protruded outward and downward, his mouth curled in a perpetual frown, thick-rimmed glasses balanced across the bridge. He raised a bushy eyebrow at her as she appeared suddenly in the room.
“I’m so sorry I’m late, Princess,” she said, groveling before her former teacher in a way that would have made Sunset Shimmer’s nether regions tingle. “You see, Fluttershy’s wedding took a little bit longer than I expected, and….”
What remained of her spaghetti was depositing itself on the floor at an alarming rate. Thankfully, the Princess smiled and gave a gracious wave of her wing, as if she were trying to say “please shut the hell up, you adorable little sperg,” except she wanted to be more polite about it than that.
“It’s quite alright,” she said. “Princess Twilight Sparkle, allow me to introduce Chancellor Griffonberg, the new head of the EEA!”
Twilight turned and grinned broadly at the griffon, who only snorted.
“So…” Twilight began after several awkward seconds, “Welcome to Ponyville, Chancellor. How are you liking it here so far?”
Chancellor Griffonberg snorted again.
“It’s very dry here,” he said. “Very, very dry. My sinuses are going crazy. I don’t know how you all live here.”
His voice was a high, raspy, grating whine, and he spoke with a thick Manehattan Griffon accent. He sucked air through his enormous nostrils, as if trying to see if it was still as dry as he had previously believed. Disappointed to find that it was, he snorted a third time and continued.
“Anyway, yes. Hi, hello, my name is Herschell Griffonberg, you can call me Chancellor Griffonberg. Actually I would prefer that you call me Chancellor Griffonberg and not Herschell. And please don’t call me Mr. Griffonberg, I find that very rude. I didn’t spend all that time becoming a Chancellor just so I could be called Mister, thank you very much. Anyway, yes, hi, hello. I’m Chancellor Griffonberg, I’m the new head of the EEA, and I’ll be overseeing this school for the next few weeks, even if it means that I have to stay here and breathe in all of this terribly dry air and it’s going to be murder on my sinuses.”
“Er…Chancellor Griffonberg has been chosen to take over after Chancellor Neighsay stepped down,” Princess Celestia explained, after a few more seconds of awkward silence. “After some of the…recent incidents at your school, we felt that it would be wise to review some of the EEA’s previous policies.”
Chancellor Griffonberg cleared his throat and interjected.
“That’s right. We’re making some changes, a lot of changes actually. In Manehattan, we have some very new and exciting ideas about how to approach the future of education in Equestria. Equestria is going through a fundamental transformation, we’re going into a multicreatural mode, and we Griffons are going to be taking a leading role in that transformation. Griffons may be resented for our leading role, but without that transformation and without that leading role, Equestria will not survive. My gosh, the air here really is very dry, I don’t know how you all can stand it.”
“Um….okay….” said Twilight Sparkle. “Well, I…uh…” She still was not quite sure whether she was being scolded or not. However, the Chancellor only gave her response the briefest of nods, and then resumed his speech.
“First of all, like I said, we’re transitioning into a multicreatural society here. In Manehattan, we’re very forward thinking, very forward thinking, you see. Soon, all of Equestria is going to be like Manehattan, but first we have to get there, and your school is going to set the example, because I’m going to be overseeing it from now on. Yes, hi, how are you?”
Twilight looked over her shoulder, but didn’t see anyp—anyCREATURE else in the room. Meanwhile, Chancellor Griffonberg was looking at her as if she were expected to say something.
“Well, er…” she began. She was a little intimidated by the old griffon’s manners, but as she processed what he had said, her face suddenly brightened. “Well, I think you’ll actually be pretty happy with the way our Friendship School is being run. You see, our school is currently open to everycreature, not just ponies--“
The griffon snorted loudly and interrupted her.
“‘Open’ isn’t enough. You’ve got to have proportional representation. And by proportional, I mean you’ve got too many ponies here. Your town is called ‘Ponyville’ for Griff’s sake, that’s very problematic for all of the non-ponies who are going to be migrating here. Gosh, this air is so dry, I don’t know how you can stand it. My sinuses are going crazy. Are your sinuses going crazy? My sinuses are going crazy. Anyway, how many yaks do you have enrolled at your school?”
“Uh…just the one I think…” Twilight could feel the spaghetti beginning to dribble out of her mental pockets once more.
“Hrmph.” The griffon snorted. “You’re going to need more yaks, a lot more yaks. In Manehattan, we have thousands of yaks. Millions. You’ve never seen so many yaks until you come to Manehattan. They don’t live near me, of course, but they’re going to live near you. We have a ton of them. Yes, hi, hello.”
>>227580
Twilight once again looked over her shoulder, but did not see anypony. Anycreature. She had to remember to keep saying that and thinking that all the time from now on. She made a mental note to spank herself later so she’d learn. Meanwhile, the old griffon was prattling on.
“…anyway, in Manehattan, we have this concept called ‘proportional representation’, it’s very forward thinking, you’ve probably never heard of it out here in the sticks. But I’ll explain it to you. Basically, it means that you’ve got too many ponies living in Equestria, you need to bring in different types of creatures from all over so that you can have more of them in your society. After that, you need to make sure that all of them are proportionally represented in schools, businesses, and so forth, until ponies are no longer such a tyrannical majority. It’s very forward thinking, you’re going to love it. It’s much more fair for everycreature.”
“Uh, well, I’m perfectly fine with that I guess, but I’m not quite sure where we’re going to find more yaks who want to enroll in Friendship School…”
The griffon snorted once more.
“Don’t worry about yaks,” he said, “I’ll find some yaks for you. I can get you thousands of yaks, millions, don’t even ask me where I get them from. In the meantime, why don’t you show me around your school? I’ve got a lot of new guidelines that I’m going to want to go over with you, because a lot has changed at the EEA since Chancellor Neighsay resigned, and you’re going to need to know all of the new regulations if you want to run a school here. Gosh, this air is just killing my sinuses, do you have any sinus potions? My sinuses are absolutely going crazy right now. Yes, hi, hello.”
Twilight once again looked over her shoulder, but did not see anypony. Anycreature. She had to remember to keep saying that and thinking that all the time from now on. She made a mental note to spank herself later so she’d learn. Meanwhile, the old griffon was prattling on.
“…anyway, in Manehattan, we have this concept called ‘proportional representation’, it’s very forward thinking, you’ve probably never heard of it out here in the sticks. But I’ll explain it to you. Basically, it means that you’ve got too many ponies living in Equestria, you need to bring in different types of creatures from all over so that you can have more of them in your society. After that, you need to make sure that all of them are proportionally represented in schools, businesses, and so forth, until ponies are no longer such a tyrannical majority. It’s very forward thinking, you’re going to love it. It’s much more fair for everycreature.”
“Uh, well, I’m perfectly fine with that I guess, but I’m not quite sure where we’re going to find more yaks who want to enroll in Friendship School…”
The griffon snorted once more.
“Don’t worry about yaks,” he said, “I’ll find some yaks for you. I can get you thousands of yaks, millions, don’t even ask me where I get them from. In the meantime, why don’t you show me around your school? I’ve got a lot of new guidelines that I’m going to want to go over with you, because a lot has changed at the EEA since Chancellor Neighsay resigned, and you’re going to need to know all of the new regulations if you want to run a school here. Gosh, this air is just killing my sinuses, do you have any sinus potions? My sinuses are absolutely going crazy right now. Yes, hi, hello.”
>>227581
Chapter Three: It's Not Easy Being Cheesy
“It’s…uh…it’s just…well…”
Sandbar rubbed a hoof against the back of his head, staring nervously at the ground. Yona was staring back at him, her enormous brow furrowed in confusion, but she waited patiently. Sandbar looked up, hoping she’d sort of just figure out what he was trying to say without him having to actually say it, but nope. She was just staring at him.
He sighed. There was not going to be any easy way to do this. Better to just bite the bullet and get it over with.
“It’s your…” he seemed to almost choke physically on the words. “Well, it’s your…vagina.”
Yona blinked.
“Yona vagina?” she said. “What about Yona vagina?”
Sandbar finally dared to look up and meet her gaze. She didn’t look offended, just confused. Maybe he should just say it.
“Yes,” he said finally. “It’s your…vagina. It…well…it kind of smells like…cheese. Old, rotting cheese. Fermenting on a radiator.”
He cringed as soon as the words were out. He never knew quite how Yona was going to react to anything he said, but her reactions tended to be pretty over the top either way, and usually involved some degree of property destruction.
Yona, however, just blinked again. She stared at him a second longer, then began to spin around around in a circle as fast as she could, taking deep breaths so as to inhale the cloud of vaginal musk that followed her around wherever she went. Once she had gotten a good enough whiff, she stopped spinning and smiled broadly.
“Oh,” she said. “You had Yona worried.”
Now it was Sandbar’s turn to be confused.
“You’re not upset?”
“Upset? Why would Yona be upset?”
“I mean, uh…” Sandbar was wondering if maybe he should just let the whole subject drop, but that was not how Sandbar played that shit. He cleared his throat. “You’re not upset that I just told you your vagina smells like rotten cheese?”
Yona shook her big head enthusiastically from side to side, causing flakes of yak dandruff to rain down all around them, much to the annoyance of the students who were walking past them in the hall.
“All yak vagina smell like cheese,” she explained proudly. “If Yona vagina smell like cheese, that mean that Yona is grownup yak now.”
She leaned towards him in a way he assumed was meant to be seductive, but sweet Celestia was it ever just...not. He stepped back, maybe a little too quickly, and cursed himself for doing it. He was really, really trying his darndest to do this without having to hurt her feelings, but she was just not making it easy.
“…tonight is full moon,” she went on. “That mean that Yona can show Sandbar how to do horizontal yak smash.”
She leaned in close, eyeing him hungrily. Her musk was all around him now. He hadn’t thought it was possible, but somehow her breath smelled even worse than her vagina. That she seemed to think she was somehow seducing him just made it that much worse. He shut his eyes and tried to breathe through his mouth.
“Sandbar have small bones,” Yona continued. “Sometimes small boned yak get crushed pelvis from horizontal yak smash. But no worry, Yona be gentle with Sandbar—“
“I THINK WE SHOULD JUST BE FRIENDS!!”
He blurted it out suddenly, much louder than he had intended. Some of the school ponies stopped walking and looked curiously at them.
Yona blinked. She blinked again. Slowly, comprehension began to spread across her face.
“Is…Sandbar…breaking up…with Yona?”
Sandbar felt like a giant gaping asshole, but he had come too far to turn back now. He willed himself to look up and meet her gaze, and slowly nodded. Tears were welling up in her eyes.
“Does…does Sandbar not like smell of cheesey yak vagina?”
Slowly, Sandbar shook his head.
“I’m…I’m sorry. It’s just…well…mare vaginas…don’t smell like that.”
He rubbed the back of his head with a hoof again, and gave a kind of a nervous chuckle. Meanwhile, Yona looked confused again.
“What mare vagina smell like?”
“Huh? Well…”
Sandbar was back to staring down at the ground. He could feel his cheeks burning. Maybe he shouldn’t have been quite so honest about why he wanted to break up with her, but then again, Professor Applejack had said that honesty was the most important thing…
“Uh, I don’t know,” he said finally. “Mare vaginas smell like…flowers…candy…cupcakes…it depends on the mare I guess. Like, Flash Sentry was telling me the other day that Headmare Twilight’s vagina smells like grape soda. And, you know, he’s definitely a pony who exists in this world and is canonically dating Headmare Twilight, so I take what he says about her vagina pretty seriously.”
Yona looked angry now.
“So, Sandbar only like stupid flower smelling pony girls? He no like strong, independent yak girl, with strong, powerful, musky cheese scented vagina?”
“It’s just, well…” Sandbar rubbed the back of his head again. “Mares are just...well…they’re just the best. They’re like, the literal ideal of female companionship, completely superior to the female of any other species. They don’t even go to the bathroom unless you want them to. Yaks just can’t even compete, I’m sorry. We’re just…I’m afraid we’re just too different, that’s all.”
He had been slowly inching away from her as they’d been speaking, and now he was close enough to the exit that he could make a more or less graceful escape.
“Anyway, we’re still friends, you know? I’ll…uh…I’ll see you in Professor Pinkie’s baking class tomorrow, okay?”
Without waiting for a response, he turned and quickly bolted out the door, towards the courtyard and freedom.
Yona just stood there, blinking, staring despondently off in the direction he had gone. All around her, the crowd was beginning to to thin out as the students made their way to class. Almost all of them were ponies. Bright, colorful, beautiful ponies, with shapely flanks and vaginas that smelled like candy and bubble gum.
“Is Yona…not pretty?” she wondered aloud, to nocreature in particular.
Chapter Three: It's Not Easy Being Cheesy
“It’s…uh…it’s just…well…”
Sandbar rubbed a hoof against the back of his head, staring nervously at the ground. Yona was staring back at him, her enormous brow furrowed in confusion, but she waited patiently. Sandbar looked up, hoping she’d sort of just figure out what he was trying to say without him having to actually say it, but nope. She was just staring at him.
He sighed. There was not going to be any easy way to do this. Better to just bite the bullet and get it over with.
“It’s your…” he seemed to almost choke physically on the words. “Well, it’s your…vagina.”
Yona blinked.
“Yona vagina?” she said. “What about Yona vagina?”
Sandbar finally dared to look up and meet her gaze. She didn’t look offended, just confused. Maybe he should just say it.
“Yes,” he said finally. “It’s your…vagina. It…well…it kind of smells like…cheese. Old, rotting cheese. Fermenting on a radiator.”
He cringed as soon as the words were out. He never knew quite how Yona was going to react to anything he said, but her reactions tended to be pretty over the top either way, and usually involved some degree of property destruction.
Yona, however, just blinked again. She stared at him a second longer, then began to spin around around in a circle as fast as she could, taking deep breaths so as to inhale the cloud of vaginal musk that followed her around wherever she went. Once she had gotten a good enough whiff, she stopped spinning and smiled broadly.
“Oh,” she said. “You had Yona worried.”
Now it was Sandbar’s turn to be confused.
“You’re not upset?”
“Upset? Why would Yona be upset?”
“I mean, uh…” Sandbar was wondering if maybe he should just let the whole subject drop, but that was not how Sandbar played that shit. He cleared his throat. “You’re not upset that I just told you your vagina smells like rotten cheese?”
Yona shook her big head enthusiastically from side to side, causing flakes of yak dandruff to rain down all around them, much to the annoyance of the students who were walking past them in the hall.
“All yak vagina smell like cheese,” she explained proudly. “If Yona vagina smell like cheese, that mean that Yona is grownup yak now.”
She leaned towards him in a way he assumed was meant to be seductive, but sweet Celestia was it ever just...not. He stepped back, maybe a little too quickly, and cursed himself for doing it. He was really, really trying his darndest to do this without having to hurt her feelings, but she was just not making it easy.
“…tonight is full moon,” she went on. “That mean that Yona can show Sandbar how to do horizontal yak smash.”
She leaned in close, eyeing him hungrily. Her musk was all around him now. He hadn’t thought it was possible, but somehow her breath smelled even worse than her vagina. That she seemed to think she was somehow seducing him just made it that much worse. He shut his eyes and tried to breathe through his mouth.
“Sandbar have small bones,” Yona continued. “Sometimes small boned yak get crushed pelvis from horizontal yak smash. But no worry, Yona be gentle with Sandbar—“
“I THINK WE SHOULD JUST BE FRIENDS!!”
He blurted it out suddenly, much louder than he had intended. Some of the school ponies stopped walking and looked curiously at them.
Yona blinked. She blinked again. Slowly, comprehension began to spread across her face.
“Is…Sandbar…breaking up…with Yona?”
Sandbar felt like a giant gaping asshole, but he had come too far to turn back now. He willed himself to look up and meet her gaze, and slowly nodded. Tears were welling up in her eyes.
“Does…does Sandbar not like smell of cheesey yak vagina?”
Slowly, Sandbar shook his head.
“I’m…I’m sorry. It’s just…well…mare vaginas…don’t smell like that.”
He rubbed the back of his head with a hoof again, and gave a kind of a nervous chuckle. Meanwhile, Yona looked confused again.
“What mare vagina smell like?”
“Huh? Well…”
Sandbar was back to staring down at the ground. He could feel his cheeks burning. Maybe he shouldn’t have been quite so honest about why he wanted to break up with her, but then again, Professor Applejack had said that honesty was the most important thing…
“Uh, I don’t know,” he said finally. “Mare vaginas smell like…flowers…candy…cupcakes…it depends on the mare I guess. Like, Flash Sentry was telling me the other day that Headmare Twilight’s vagina smells like grape soda. And, you know, he’s definitely a pony who exists in this world and is canonically dating Headmare Twilight, so I take what he says about her vagina pretty seriously.”
Yona looked angry now.
“So, Sandbar only like stupid flower smelling pony girls? He no like strong, independent yak girl, with strong, powerful, musky cheese scented vagina?”
“It’s just, well…” Sandbar rubbed the back of his head again. “Mares are just...well…they’re just the best. They’re like, the literal ideal of female companionship, completely superior to the female of any other species. They don’t even go to the bathroom unless you want them to. Yaks just can’t even compete, I’m sorry. We’re just…I’m afraid we’re just too different, that’s all.”
He had been slowly inching away from her as they’d been speaking, and now he was close enough to the exit that he could make a more or less graceful escape.
“Anyway, we’re still friends, you know? I’ll…uh…I’ll see you in Professor Pinkie’s baking class tomorrow, okay?”
Without waiting for a response, he turned and quickly bolted out the door, towards the courtyard and freedom.
Yona just stood there, blinking, staring despondently off in the direction he had gone. All around her, the crowd was beginning to to thin out as the students made their way to class. Almost all of them were ponies. Bright, colorful, beautiful ponies, with shapely flanks and vaginas that smelled like candy and bubble gum.
“Is Yona…not pretty?” she wondered aloud, to nocreature in particular.
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>>227585
Chapter Four: The Third and Final Sentence
Starlight Glimmer was busy getting >her dick sucked when the door suddenly opened and Twilight and a griffon she didn’t recognize entered the room.
“And this is our school counselor, Starlight Gli—oh sweet Celestia, I’m so sorry Starlight!”
“Uh, hi Twilight,” said Starlight Glimmer, grinning sheepishly. The silver unicorn stallion with the bright orange mane crouching in front of her had not stopped gobbling shlong, so she tapped him lightly on the forehead with a hoof until he reluctantly pulled >her giant throbbing cock out of his mouth.
“Yes, hi, hello, you must be Starlight Glimmer, I’ve heard so much about you,” said the old griffon, apparently unfazed by the situation. “My name is Chancellor Griffonberg, please call me Chancellor and not Mister. I’m in charge of the school now. Who is your friend here?”
Starlight glanced down at the stallion, who was now making big goo-goo baby eyes at her, hoping she would stick the dick back in his mouth.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” she said. “This is Silver “lube up my rump and give it a pump” Star. He is my personal ass slave and exists for no other purpose but to pleasure my feminine penis. I canonically have a feminine penis, by the way.”
Chancellor Griffonberg nodded approvingly.
“Yes, I noticed that. I approve of that, it’s very forward thinking. You’d fit in well in Manehattan. Is it circumcised?”
“You better believe it.”
The Chancellor nodded approvingly again.
“That’s great. Terrific. I’m very glad to hear that. Yes, hi, hello. You were, uh, you said your name was Starlight Glimmer? Didn’t you enslave an entire village a couple of years ago?”
Starlight blushed.
“Yes, yes I did,” she said. “I stole everypony’s cutie marks and replaced them with equality signs.”
The Chancellor nodded even more approvingly than before.
“I thought that was you. I heard about that, nice job. I approve of that. We do that sort of thing in Manehattan all the time. Although we don’t directly enslave ponies so much, we just flood their communities with yaks until their votes don’t matter anymore. But I digress. Gosh, it sure is dry here. Don’t you think this air is really dry? It’s doing a number on my sinuses, I can tell you that much. Yes, hi, hello, how are you?”
The old griffon turned his attention to Silver “never fear, I can take it in the rear” Star, who was now sniffing at his tiny circumcized griffon cock and salivating like a hungry poodle.
“Shoo, Mr. Sliver whatever your name is. The grownups have to talk now. Starlight Glimmer, can you tell your ass slave to go away please? We have business to discuss. Yes, hi, hello.”
“Silver,” said Starlight Glimmer, “Why don’t you go down to the docks and see if those sailors want to take turns raping you for three and a half hours again? And try not to get AIDS this time.”
“I make absolutely no promises!” cried Silver “wubba dub dub let me nub on your chub” Star. “Excelsior!”
And with that, he galloped out of the room, never to appear in this story again.
“Um, anyway,” Twilight cleared her throat. “This is our school counselor, Starlight Glimmer.”
“Yes, hi, hello, we’ve met already,” said Chancellor Griffonberg. “Now listen to me Starlight Glimmer, this is very important. I need to know how many students you have at this school that aren’t ponies.”
“Oh, well…” Starlight Glimmer went over her student records. “Looks like it’s just the five students, actually.”
“Yeah, that’s not acceptable. You’re going to need more. Lots more. Thousands more. Now I’m going to be sending you some yaks from Manehattan. I have a guy there who gets me yaks, he’s very good. He’ll be sending thousands of yaks, millions of yaks, to Ponyville, and they’re going to be your students from now on, and you’re going to make them feel at home. Yes, hello, hi.”
Chapter Four: The Third and Final Sentence
Starlight Glimmer was busy getting >her dick sucked when the door suddenly opened and Twilight and a griffon she didn’t recognize entered the room.
“And this is our school counselor, Starlight Gli—oh sweet Celestia, I’m so sorry Starlight!”
“Uh, hi Twilight,” said Starlight Glimmer, grinning sheepishly. The silver unicorn stallion with the bright orange mane crouching in front of her had not stopped gobbling shlong, so she tapped him lightly on the forehead with a hoof until he reluctantly pulled >her giant throbbing cock out of his mouth.
“Yes, hi, hello, you must be Starlight Glimmer, I’ve heard so much about you,” said the old griffon, apparently unfazed by the situation. “My name is Chancellor Griffonberg, please call me Chancellor and not Mister. I’m in charge of the school now. Who is your friend here?”
Starlight glanced down at the stallion, who was now making big goo-goo baby eyes at her, hoping she would stick the dick back in his mouth.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” she said. “This is Silver “lube up my rump and give it a pump” Star. He is my personal ass slave and exists for no other purpose but to pleasure my feminine penis. I canonically have a feminine penis, by the way.”
Chancellor Griffonberg nodded approvingly.
“Yes, I noticed that. I approve of that, it’s very forward thinking. You’d fit in well in Manehattan. Is it circumcised?”
“You better believe it.”
The Chancellor nodded approvingly again.
“That’s great. Terrific. I’m very glad to hear that. Yes, hi, hello. You were, uh, you said your name was Starlight Glimmer? Didn’t you enslave an entire village a couple of years ago?”
Starlight blushed.
“Yes, yes I did,” she said. “I stole everypony’s cutie marks and replaced them with equality signs.”
The Chancellor nodded even more approvingly than before.
“I thought that was you. I heard about that, nice job. I approve of that. We do that sort of thing in Manehattan all the time. Although we don’t directly enslave ponies so much, we just flood their communities with yaks until their votes don’t matter anymore. But I digress. Gosh, it sure is dry here. Don’t you think this air is really dry? It’s doing a number on my sinuses, I can tell you that much. Yes, hi, hello, how are you?”
The old griffon turned his attention to Silver “never fear, I can take it in the rear” Star, who was now sniffing at his tiny circumcized griffon cock and salivating like a hungry poodle.
“Shoo, Mr. Sliver whatever your name is. The grownups have to talk now. Starlight Glimmer, can you tell your ass slave to go away please? We have business to discuss. Yes, hi, hello.”
“Silver,” said Starlight Glimmer, “Why don’t you go down to the docks and see if those sailors want to take turns raping you for three and a half hours again? And try not to get AIDS this time.”
“I make absolutely no promises!” cried Silver “wubba dub dub let me nub on your chub” Star. “Excelsior!”
And with that, he galloped out of the room, never to appear in this story again.
“Um, anyway,” Twilight cleared her throat. “This is our school counselor, Starlight Glimmer.”
“Yes, hi, hello, we’ve met already,” said Chancellor Griffonberg. “Now listen to me Starlight Glimmer, this is very important. I need to know how many students you have at this school that aren’t ponies.”
“Oh, well…” Starlight Glimmer went over her student records. “Looks like it’s just the five students, actually.”
“Yeah, that’s not acceptable. You’re going to need more. Lots more. Thousands more. Now I’m going to be sending you some yaks from Manehattan. I have a guy there who gets me yaks, he’s very good. He’ll be sending thousands of yaks, millions of yaks, to Ponyville, and they’re going to be your students from now on, and you’re going to make them feel at home. Yes, hello, hi.”
>>227588
Starlight Glimmer looked over her shoulder but saw nopony.
“Er, well,” she began, flipping through the various notes that she had lying around on her desk. “I’m not sure we can accommodate that many yaks…”
“Yeah, that’s not acceptable. The new guidelines from the EEA explicitly state that there need to be at least a thousand yaks in every school with populations under a thousand.”
“That seems like kind of a weird guideline…”
The Chancellor snorted.
“Frankly, I’m surprised at you, Starlight Glimmer. I expected that sort of thing from the Princess of Friendship here, since she’s a provincial and wouldn’t understand.”
“I did grow up in Canterlot,” muttered Twilight under her breath.
“…but I’d think that you of all ponies would be able to understand the importance of equality,” continued the Chancellor. “In Manehattan….well, anyway, it’s not negotiable, I’m going to have thousands of yaks on the train to Ponyville first thing in the morning. I want you to make them feel welcome when they come to your school. My gosh, but the air in here is very dry. I don’t know how you stand it here with all of this dry air. My sinuses are going crazy. Do you have a humidifier or anything?”
The question was directed at Twilight Sparkle, who immediately looked up and vomited spaghetti. The Chancellor waved an impatient claw at her.
“Never mind. Now, we’ve got some other new EEA guidelines I need to go over with you. First of all, how many lesbians do you have in this town?”
Twilight pretended to shuffle through the papers on Starlight Glimmer’s desk as her spaghetti-addled brain hastened to make sense out of the question.
“O-oh, oh yeah. Lesbians. Well, I’m pretty sure that Lyra and Bon Bon is canon, I’m sure we can all agree on that. Then there’s Scootaloo’s aunts I guess, that’s canon now…”
Chancellor Griffonberg nodded approvingly.
“Yes, I heard about that, very forward thinking.”
Twilight trailed off, lost in thought. Did Ponyville have any more lesbians? The town seemed to be mostly mares, and they had pretty much all made out with each other at one time or another, but she wasn’t sure if that counted or not. As she began to vomit spaghetti once more, the Chancellor waved his claw.
“Never mind,” he said. “We’ll get to that later. For now, I’d like to meet the rest of the instructors at this school.”
I will be adding to this periodically.
Starlight Glimmer looked over her shoulder but saw nopony.
“Er, well,” she began, flipping through the various notes that she had lying around on her desk. “I’m not sure we can accommodate that many yaks…”
“Yeah, that’s not acceptable. The new guidelines from the EEA explicitly state that there need to be at least a thousand yaks in every school with populations under a thousand.”
“That seems like kind of a weird guideline…”
The Chancellor snorted.
“Frankly, I’m surprised at you, Starlight Glimmer. I expected that sort of thing from the Princess of Friendship here, since she’s a provincial and wouldn’t understand.”
“I did grow up in Canterlot,” muttered Twilight under her breath.
“…but I’d think that you of all ponies would be able to understand the importance of equality,” continued the Chancellor. “In Manehattan….well, anyway, it’s not negotiable, I’m going to have thousands of yaks on the train to Ponyville first thing in the morning. I want you to make them feel welcome when they come to your school. My gosh, but the air in here is very dry. I don’t know how you stand it here with all of this dry air. My sinuses are going crazy. Do you have a humidifier or anything?”
The question was directed at Twilight Sparkle, who immediately looked up and vomited spaghetti. The Chancellor waved an impatient claw at her.
“Never mind. Now, we’ve got some other new EEA guidelines I need to go over with you. First of all, how many lesbians do you have in this town?”
Twilight pretended to shuffle through the papers on Starlight Glimmer’s desk as her spaghetti-addled brain hastened to make sense out of the question.
“O-oh, oh yeah. Lesbians. Well, I’m pretty sure that Lyra and Bon Bon is canon, I’m sure we can all agree on that. Then there’s Scootaloo’s aunts I guess, that’s canon now…”
Chancellor Griffonberg nodded approvingly.
“Yes, I heard about that, very forward thinking.”
Twilight trailed off, lost in thought. Did Ponyville have any more lesbians? The town seemed to be mostly mares, and they had pretty much all made out with each other at one time or another, but she wasn’t sure if that counted or not. As she began to vomit spaghetti once more, the Chancellor waved his claw.
“Never mind,” he said. “We’ll get to that later. For now, I’d like to meet the rest of the instructors at this school.”
I will be adding to this periodically.
File (): 2F5992EE6BFC33DD6445F303391B8404-238421.jpg (232.8 KB, 396x2019, YakYakistanWar.jpg)
Yakety yak, don't talk back
Lol, this should be good.
>>227577
You ruined the experince a bit whe you said that you were just shitposting. Do you ever do anything else but shitpost?
>“That’s right. We’re making some changes, a lot of changes actually. In Manehattan, we have some very new and exciting ideas about how to approach the future of education in Equestria. Equestria is going through a fundamental transformation, we’re going into a multicreatural mode, and we Griffons are going to be taking a leading role in that transformation. Griffons may be resented for our leading role, but without that transformation and without that leading role, Equestria will not survive.
What are you trying to say about my beloved cousin, goy?
You ruined the experince a bit whe you said that you were just shitposting. Do you ever do anything else but shitpost?
>“That’s right. We’re making some changes, a lot of changes actually. In Manehattan, we have some very new and exciting ideas about how to approach the future of education in Equestria. Equestria is going through a fundamental transformation, we’re going into a multicreatural mode, and we Griffons are going to be taking a leading role in that transformation. Griffons may be resented for our leading role, but without that transformation and without that leading role, Equestria will not survive.
What are you trying to say about my beloved cousin, goy?
>>227873
>Do you ever do anything else but shitpost?
It's not all I do, but it tends to be what I'm best at. That detective novel I wrote a few months ago for instance is something that (I at least believe) has some artistic value to it, but it's also a little shitposty, and that's by design. I find I produce the best work when I approach whatever I'm doing with a certain degree of self-deprecation and humor. Whenever I start taking myself too seriously and try to consciously produce high art, it always comes out as pure cringe-inducing shit.
You can probably think of this particular project as a half-shitpost that is also a satire of the lamentable direction the show has taken over the last two seasons and the shitty lackluster ending it's probably going to have. I'm taking it about as seriously as is possible when writing satire I suppose. I wanted to work out some of my frustrations about the direction the show has gone, but rather than try to retcon away the stuff I don't like the way Nigel does, I've instead decided to go the opposite path and carry all of the stupidest elements in the show as well as some of the more objectionable ships and fan-canons to their most ridiculous extremes. You can think of it as a shitpost with genuine artistic intent, if that helps you enjoy it more. However, be advised that I do intend to have some fun with this, which definitely means it will contain some good old fashioned shitposting.
>Do you ever do anything else but shitpost?
It's not all I do, but it tends to be what I'm best at. That detective novel I wrote a few months ago for instance is something that (I at least believe) has some artistic value to it, but it's also a little shitposty, and that's by design. I find I produce the best work when I approach whatever I'm doing with a certain degree of self-deprecation and humor. Whenever I start taking myself too seriously and try to consciously produce high art, it always comes out as pure cringe-inducing shit.
You can probably think of this particular project as a half-shitpost that is also a satire of the lamentable direction the show has taken over the last two seasons and the shitty lackluster ending it's probably going to have. I'm taking it about as seriously as is possible when writing satire I suppose. I wanted to work out some of my frustrations about the direction the show has gone, but rather than try to retcon away the stuff I don't like the way Nigel does, I've instead decided to go the opposite path and carry all of the stupidest elements in the show as well as some of the more objectionable ships and fan-canons to their most ridiculous extremes. You can think of it as a shitpost with genuine artistic intent, if that helps you enjoy it more. However, be advised that I do intend to have some fun with this, which definitely means it will contain some good old fashioned shitposting.
>>228968
Btw. We once talked about how your detective story got good after the middle point of the story and I said something along with, or atleast I thought it in my head that, you should have a clear premise that your story follows so people knew what the story was about. So the solution that I had in mind was that you would extrapolate the begining of the story.
However, I have changed my mind on this a bit. Due to these videos, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G30xZxJLR8U , https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0kQrT8S2Mrw , and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luCvLhCosGA&t=5s
Yeah, e-celeb and like everyone I have things I disagree with him aabout. But I think these videos are of high quality.
Btw. We once talked about how your detective story got good after the middle point of the story and I said something along with, or atleast I thought it in my head that, you should have a clear premise that your story follows so people knew what the story was about. So the solution that I had in mind was that you would extrapolate the begining of the story.
However, I have changed my mind on this a bit. Due to these videos, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G30xZxJLR8U , https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0kQrT8S2Mrw , and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luCvLhCosGA&t=5s
Yeah, e-celeb and like everyone I have things I disagree with him aabout. But I think these videos are of high quality.
>>228968
Btw, can I post chaoter on this thread?
> I've instead decided to go the opposite path and carry all of the stupidest elements in the show as well as some of the more objectionable ships and fan-canons to their most ridiculous extremes.
I will try to stay true to this theme if I you would let me.
Btw, can I post chaoter on this thread?
> I've instead decided to go the opposite path and carry all of the stupidest elements in the show as well as some of the more objectionable ships and fan-canons to their most ridiculous extremes.
I will try to stay true to this theme if I you would let me.
>>229276
Sure, go ahead, I loves me some nice chaoter.
In all seriousness, this could be fun as a group project if that's what people want. Besides, stealing Nigel's nickname for himself has imbued me with the power to retcon away anything I don't like in a story. So, if I don't like anything you come up with, I can just write an overly verbose explanation for why it didn't actually happen, and possibly remove all of your OCs from the story with excessive violence.
Sure, go ahead, I loves me some nice chaoter.
In all seriousness, this could be fun as a group project if that's what people want. Besides, stealing Nigel's nickname for himself has imbued me with the power to retcon away anything I don't like in a story. So, if I don't like anything you come up with, I can just write an overly verbose explanation for why it didn't actually happen, and possibly remove all of your OCs from the story with excessive violence.
There was a knock on Zecora's door. Zecora herself was attending her Cauldron that was boiling so much that bubbles covered its entire surface when she heard the knock.
”Oh please, why don't you cease. The temperature is just right, why don't you take a hike and come back tonight,” Zecora said to the door.
”Zigga, whatchu talking about? Leaving a sista hanging!” came a replay through the door.
Zecora's eyes widen like how cracked eggs in a frying pan are larger than non-cracked?
”Who are you? Are you in my crew?”
”Whaa u rhyming for? An ugly hoe like you will never get in on one of those fancy record label deals, buhitch. Now open this gooddamn door!”
”Is that you Zala but I do not recognize this voice.” Zecora was passive for a moment wondering if it really was a good idea to let a derange stranger into her house. Eh, what is the worst thing that could happen? ” My curiosity gives me no choice.”
Zecora walked over and opened the door.
There in the entrance stood none other than Applejack.
”Oh please, why don't you cease. The temperature is just right, why don't you take a hike and come back tonight,” Zecora said to the door.
”Zigga, whatchu talking about? Leaving a sista hanging!” came a replay through the door.
Zecora's eyes widen like how cracked eggs in a frying pan are larger than non-cracked?
”Who are you? Are you in my crew?”
”Whaa u rhyming for? An ugly hoe like you will never get in on one of those fancy record label deals, buhitch. Now open this gooddamn door!”
”Is that you Zala but I do not recognize this voice.” Zecora was passive for a moment wondering if it really was a good idea to let a derange stranger into her house. Eh, what is the worst thing that could happen? ” My curiosity gives me no choice.”
Zecora walked over and opened the door.
There in the entrance stood none other than Applejack.
I can't do more before the weekend.
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