/mlpol/ - My Little Politics

>>382427
I dig it. No, I love it.<3 ^^

>>382427
I kept low to the ground, crawling serpentine through the underbrush to where the woods gave way to open grassland. My clothes were soaked completely through with perspiration and last night's rain. I'd covered my face and hands with mud and pine needles for extra camouflage.

I was taking no further chances. By now, the bugs had probably taken over most of the centers of power, and effectively controlled the town. I doubted any of the common ponies would be aware of it, but even so, anypony I met could turn out to be a replicant, and even those that weren't couldn't be trusted.

From now on I trust no one but myself...

I poked my head through the bushes, still keeping low to the ground. I had emerged from the forest near an unfamiliar part of town. It looked sparsely populated; all I could see were a few scattered cottages and a lone clocktower.

By that time, my hands were shaking so bad I probably couldn't have opened the hatch to an alien saucer, let alone hotwired one. On top of that, it was a long way back to Earth. If I was going to pull this off, I needed more asparagus. Lots more. And a way to light it, too.

I crawled through the grass until I came to a rail fence, and then wormed my way through into a small garden on the other side. There was a cottage a short distance away, with a lean-to shed built up against it. There would probably be some usable tools in there.

Among the rows of planted vegetables, I spied some asparagus shoots, and yanked up as many as I could find. I hadn't eaten since the previous afternoon, so I also helped myself to whatever other vegetables I could find. Someone else had already beaten me to it, though, so the pickings were slim. There were clods of dirt and half-eaten vegetables strewn around all over the place. Whatever had done this had been a lot bigger than a rabbit.

I gathered up a few bunches of carrots and celery stalks and made my way to the shed. However, it seemed that here, too, someone... or something... had beaten me to the punch. The entrance was secured with a padlock, but one of the doors had been tugged off its lower hinge so something could crawl through.

I nudged my way in the same way, and found an even bigger disaster area than the garden. Bags of vegetables had been torn open, stuff had been knocked off of shelves, there was a pile of straw that looked like it had been slept in. On top of that, there was a pervasive stench lingering in the air. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but the scent was somehow familiar.

If I didn't know better...

I shook my head and gave my face several quick slaps. The damn nicotine fit was getting so intense that I was beginning to get crazy ideas. All signs here were pointing to sasquatch activity, but that didn't make any sense. Did it?

"Man," I said out loud to myself. "Shapeshifting aliens, UFOs, talking horses... and bigfoot? Too bad I'm not here under better circumstances. This place is a paranormal investigator's dream!"

I knew I didn't have much time, and yet I couldn't resist taking a closer look at the straw pile in the corner. Sure enough, I found a clump of clearly mammalian hair, along with another small pile of half-eaten vegetables.

"Hey! Are you the one who's been digging up my garden?!"

A harsh voice rang out behind me. I spun around and saw a yellow mare with a carrot-colored mane standing at the door of the shed. I reached for the nearest thing I could use as a weapon, which happened to be a broom.

"Don't test me, horse, I had a rough night," I warned her, wielding the broom like a bo-staff. "I am a trained professional bounty hunter proficient in nine forms of kung-fu. Shishishaw!"

The mare squinted into the half-darkness of the shed.

"Hey, are you that weird monkey-thing that's been living at the Golden Oak Library? And oh sweet Celestia, what did you do to my garden shed?! Look at this mess—hey!!"

I sprang forward, swatting at her with the broom, and she took several alarmed steps backward. As soon as I was out of the shed, I threw the broom at her like a boomerang.

"Watch out!" she cried, stepping back even further. "Be careful with that, you could hurt somepony!"

"Consider that a warning..." I hissed.

The small pile of vegetables I'd gathered was still sitting on the ground near the shed door. I scooped up as many of them as I could carry, and sprinted away towards the fence.

"That's right, shoo!" the mare shouted after me. "Get out of here! And you'd better believe I'm going to have a talk with Twilight Sparkle about this, buster!"

She was still barking reprimands at me as I vaulted over the fence. I had meant to make my escape back into the forest the way I'd come, but in my haste I'd gotten turned around. I landed in a side yard between the mare's cottage and her neighbor's.

There was nowhere to go but forward. I stumbled through the tall weeds until I came to another fence, and jumped over that. My heart was pumping fast, and between the exertion and the nicotine withdrawal I was starting to get tunnel vision. I landed with a splash in a muddy patch of ground, where a bunch of chickens were milling about pecking at the ground.

The chickens all scattered, flapping their wings and clucking furiously. A little pink and blue unicorn filly came trotting around the side of the chicken coop to see what all the commotion was, and as soon as she saw me she squeaked in panic.

"Daddy!" she cried, turning around and galloping back the way she'd come.

>>382732
I realized that the mud and debris I'd deliberately covered myself with, while ideal camouflage for the forest, probably made me look like some kind of creature from the black lagoon. Or a sasquatch, even. I stumbled forward, chasing after the filly and trying to explain myself, but all that came out of my mouth was garbled gibberish. The filly looked over her shoulder, squeaked in terror again, and bolted for the nearby cottage.

The back door suddenly swung open, and a furious-looking unicorn stallion stomped out onto the porch.

"Hey!" he shouted at me as his daughter ran under his legs and into the house. "Are you the critter what dug up our garden?! Get over here!"

"Yaaagh!"

I skidded to a halt and changed direction as the unicorn came barreling after me, his horn glowing with malevolent intent. I turned and flung a bunch of carrots at him, and hit him right on the nose. That bought me a few precious seconds, but a moment later I could hear thundering hooves on the ground behind me, getting closer and closer, and could feel that electric tingling sensation I'd come to associate with unicorn auras.

Fortunately, I happened to be stumbling across the remains of a dug-up melon patch. I stooped down and grabbed the biggest melon within reach. I turned and, just as the unicorn was about to overtake me, brought it down right on his horn.

The melon exploded into a blast of juice and pulp. The unicorn shouted a string of what I could only imagine passed for expletives among pastel-colored horses. His horn extinguished, and the electric force field that had been forming around my body dissipated. I left him there cursing, trying to wipe bits of melon pulp out his eyes with a foreleg.

I scurried the last few feet towards the fence and vaulted over. I was now standing in front of a dusty road that wound off in two directions, threading past the scattered cottages. I landed directly in the path of an alarmed mare who was pulling a wagon loaded with produce, who reared up in alarm as she saw me.

"Hey!" the voice of the unicorn shouted from behind me. "That's that critter what's been diggin' up all of our gardens!"

The commotion was beginning to draw the attention of several ponies. The unicorn meanwhile had reached the fence, his angry face still smeared with bits of smashed melon.

"Somepony grab it!" he shouted. "Don't let it escape!"

A couple of the burlier-looking stallions were beginning to move in my direction. I turned and began running up the road as fast as I could.

My lungs felt like they were on fire. White specks of light were flashing at the corners of my vision. Behind me I could hear hooves thundering on the road, accompanied by the shouts of angry ponies.

I spurred myself forward as fast as my legs could carry me. I was running on pure adrenaline now, and I had a feeling that if I didn't get some nicotine into my system in the next few minutes I might actually die.

There was a clocktower ahead of me, sitting on top of the hill like a lone sentinel. I ran towards it, desperate for any shelter I could find. When I reached it, though, I found the door locked and bolted from the inside. Behind me, the mob of angry ponies was still in hot pursuit. I stumbled around the side of the building, and it was there that my overworked body finally gave out.

I collapsed to my knees, every last ounce of energy expended. I was shaking so bad from nicotine withdrawal at that point that it felt like the very atoms of my body were about to scatter to the winds. I'd dropped almost all of the vegetables I'd gathered in the pursuit; all I had left were a couple of asparagus stalks.

Crawling feebly forward on my hands and knees, I found a couple of loose rocks lying in the grass.

"Wingo!" I wheezed.

Taking a rock in each hand, I jammed a stalk of asparagus into my mouth, and knelt in the grass, frantically beating the rocks together.

"Come on," I muttered, frantically grinding the smaller rock against the larger. "Come on, baby, I just need one little spark..."

And then, the mob was upon me. They formed up in a semicircle of angry, accusing equine faces, pushing me back against the cold stone wall of the clocktower. The stalk of asparagus fell from my lips. All I could do now was curl up in the fetal position and wait for the finishing blow. And then, suddenly—

"What are you ponies doing?!?"

A soft, lilting, feminine voice cut through the din of the angry mob. It wasn't loud or commanding, but the scolding tone somehow conveyed authority. The crowd parted, and a yellow pegasus mare stepped through.

I was still lying on the grass in a fetal position, quaking and shivering. The pony looked at me with sympathy in her eyes, stroking my head gently with her foreleg.

"Shhh, it's okay, nopony is going to hurt you," she said in a soothing whisper. Then, she turned around and faced the crowd. "What are you all doing, ganging up on this poor, defenseless creature? You should all be ashamed of yourselves!"

"But he's the one who done ate up all our vegetables!" one of the ponies protested.

"Do you know that for certain?" the yellow pegasus admonished.

"Well, no, but..."

"Then you shouldn't jump to conclusions. And anyway, even if he did eat your vegetables, I'm sure he didn't mean to do any harm, isn't that right, you poor, defenseless little thing?"

She was once again stroking my head, cooing gently to me like I was a little lost kitten. The mid-morning sun backlit her face, making her light pink mane glow like an angel's halo.

"Smoooooookes....."

I gave out one last feeble croak. Then, the world dissolved into blackness, and I remembered nothing more.

>>382733
When I came to, I was lying on a straw-stuffed mattress in what I assumed was an interrogation cell in Siberia. My first thought was that I'd been hog tied, but it turned out I'd just gotten tangled up in the covers.

"Shishishaw!!"

My cat-like reflexes sprang into action. After a brief struggle with the blankets, I leapt out of bed and landed in a tiger stance. My bare feet touched smooth wooden planks. I immediately realized that whoever had abducted me had relieved me of all my weapons and stripped me down to my underwear. Then I remembered that I never had any weapons to begin with. The underwear part was still true, though. A light breeze blew in through a nearby window, reinforcing this fact.

I looked around for my captors, but saw no sign of any living presence. A familiar itching in my blood reminded me that I still needed to obtain smokes. But first, I had to get my bearings.

The room I had mistaken for a Siberian prison turned out to be a cheerfully-furnished loft with a hearth in the corner. The angle of the sun shining through the open window told me it was late afternoon.

I found my clothes, washed and folded, in a neat pile on a nearby table. Next to them was a note, but it was written in some weird alien script I couldn't decipher. I dressed quickly and headed downstairs.

The main floor of the cottage looked like the inside of a giant Habitrail. Little rodent-sized ramps and staircases crisscrossed all over the place, running between birdhouses, bird-feeders, cages, dog beds, cat beds, and everything in between. There was still no sign of the house's owner, though.

The events of the last few hours were slowly coming back to me. I remembered being chased through the village by an angry mob, and being rescued by that mysterious yellow mare. This was probably her house. By the look of things, she was a real animal nut; maybe she'd taken me in as a stray.

Other than a few pairs of beady eyes watching me from inside the many rodent-holes that dotted the walls, it seemed that I was alone. I didn't get the impression that I was a prisoner here, and the front door was right in front of me. I could probably leave if I wanted. At the same time, though, I was still hungry and smokeless. Couldn't hurt to see if the pony had any extra food lying around.

A doorway at the bottom of the stairs led to an old-fashioned kitchen with a giant stone hearth. I rummaged around the counters and shelves until I found what I was looking for: a big bunch of asparagus, fresh from the market.

"Wingo!" I said, and began breaking the stalks into cigarette-sized chunks.

There was a cauldron of what smelled like vegetable stew simmering over a low fire on the hearth. I knelt down and singed an asparagus stalk, and then took a long, grateful puff. Instantly, I could feel the artificial nicotine working its magic, and all my stress and anxiety just melted away. For the first time in hours, I could finally relax.

I sat down at the table and had a long, contemplative smoke. After awhile, though, I began to get the feeling that I wasn't alone. I turned, and saw a little white rabbit squatting on its hind legs a little ways off, watching me intently.

"Want one?" I asked, holding out a stalk of asparagus. The rabbit shook its head and pointed at one of the upper shelves.

"You want what's on the shelf?"

It nodded.

Hmm, this rabbit seems to understand what I'm saying...

I figured nothing about that should surprise me at this point. After all, the ponies on this planet could speak English, so why not the rabbits? Still, something about it made me ill at ease. How much did I really know about that yellow pegasus who'd rescued me from the lynch mob? She seemed nice enough at first glance, but I had no way of knowing her real agenda. Twilight Sparkle was a bug-replicant now, and Sweetie Belle had turned out to be a government agent. I was through trusting ponies.

Still, if I could win this bunny's trust, maybe I could get him on my side. I stood up and examined the shelf he was pointing at. At the very top, pushed all the way to the back, was a bushel of nice, fat, juicy carrots. I pulled it down.

"Is this what you want?" I asked, holding out a carrot. The bunny rabbit nodded eagerly and snatched it away. It was gone in two seconds. "Here, have another one."

I stood and watched him nibble through two more carrots, slowly puffing my asparagus stalk.

"You like those, don'tcha?" The rabbit nodded its head vigorously. "Good. Understand this, then. I'm the man with the carrots. I don't know how you're mixed up in all this, but so long as you don't cross me, you can have all the carrots you can eat. And that's not all. I can get you lettuce, squash, cucumber, watercress, whatever you want. See? I'm tall enough to reach all of it. All I demand in return is your absolute loyalty."

Just to show him I was serious, I pulled a squash down from the very top shelf and casually tossed it to him. He caught it and tore into it with rapture, staring up at me like I was a god.

"Good. I think we understand each other then."

I went back into the main room. The rabbit followed, still munching on his squash. I performed a thorough search of the room, but didn't see anything I could use. Near the sofa, though, I caught a whiff of something familiar. I paused, frowning.

I leaned down and inspected the sofa. It reeked of some kind of weird, but somehow familiar, body odor. I also found a clump of the same hair I'd found in that mare's toolshed.

>>382734
I took a long, thoughtful puff of asparagus. It all made perfect sense now. That yellow pegasus was harboring a sasquatch somewhere in this cottage. She clearly possessed some kind of weird, hypnotic power over animals. She'd probably lured it in here and trained it like a circus animal, then started sending it out at night to steal vegetables from ponies' gardens and mess up their toolsheds. Meanwhile, I'd conveniently happened along just as the other ponies were starting to get wise, so she used me as a patsy. Now I was her prisoner too, lured into her web of deceit for some unknown purpose. Well, she had no idea who she was up against. I'd turn the tables on her yet.

I decided to have another look around. There were only so many places you could hide a full-grown sasquatch in a cottage this size. There had to be another room somewhere. Sure enough, in a little alcove under the stairs I found a door that looked like it led to a basement. I tried the handle, but no luck; it was locked.

"Do you know where the key to this door is?" I asked the rabbit.

The rabbit hesitated, looking back and forth between me and the locked door. He nodded reluctantly.

"Good. Go get it."

To my surprise, though, he decisively shook his head.

"No? What do you mean no?"

The rabbit hopped off somewhere, and returned a moment later holding a sheet of paper. I recognized it as the note that had been left upstairs with my clothes. He jabbed at it with his paw for emphasis.

"I can't read that alien gobbledygook. Besides, who are you loyal to? The guy who gave you all those vegetables, or the pony who put 'em up on the top shelf where you can't reach 'em?"

However, the rabbit just shook his head firmly and jabbed at the note again. I shrugged.

"That's too bad, then," I said, holding up the bushel of carrots I was still carrying. "And here I was going to let you have all these carrots. Guess I'll just have to find some other woodland critter to give these to. Better yet, maybe I'll just eat 'em all myself. You can watch me, if you want."

I broke a carrot away from the bunch and moved it slowly towards my mouth. The bunny rabbit stared, trembling. He looked back and forth between me and the basement door. Tiny beads of sweat were breaking out on his forehead. Finally, he let out a sigh, and held out a paw as if to say 'stop.' I paused, the carrot just inches from my open maw.

With a decisive gesture, the rabbit held up the note and tore it in half. He tossed the two pieces aside, and went hopping up the stairs. He returned a moment later, holding a brass key in his mouth.

"That's a good bunny," I said, handing over the bushel of carrots and taking the key.

The door creaked slowly open. I descended into the inky depths of the cellar, going slow to give my eyes a chance to adjust. The rancid stench of sasquatch B.O. was all over the place down here; there was no doubt that I'd tracked my quarry to its lair.

The dim glow coming from the staircase was the only light down here. Dim outlines of barrels and grain sacks were just barely visible in the gloom. At the far end of the cellar, though, it looked like something was moving.

I crept slowly forward. The thing ahead of me was trying to keep still, but there was no doubt that it was a living presence. The reek coming off of it was almost intolerable, but I continued, keeping my entire body tense in case it lunged for me—

"Angel! Where did you get all those carrots? You're going to spoil your appetite!"

A soft, muffled feminine voice drifted down from upstairs. Sounded like the pegasus was home.

Before I could so anything, the dark shape in the corner sprang forward. Something large went barreling past me, shoving me roughly aside. I lost my balance and fell. Meanwhile, I caught a glimpse of something lumpy and hairy running clumsily up the stairs, wailing atonally in fear. Its cry was unlike that of any sasquatch I'd ever heard, and yet there was something oddly familiar about its voice.

I scrambled to my feet and chased after it as fast as I could. But no sooner had I made it up the stairs and back into the sunlight than the yellow pegasus flew into my path.

"You've got a lot to answer for, buster!" she admonished, jabbing at me with a hoof while floating in place. I tried to shove my way past her, but she suddenly fixed me with such an intense stare that I found myself unable to move.

Now that I was subdued, she turned her attention to a shivering lump that was hiding under the sofa.

"Shh, it's okay, I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you," she said in a soothing voice, gently stroking its back. The creature continued to whine and whimper.

With the pony's stare no longer upon me, I was once again able to move. I glanced at where the rabbit was crouched in the corner, munching contentedly on a carrot and watching the scene unfold. Meanwhile, the pony still had her back to me.

I took a few tentative steps forward. The mare had managed to coax the animal a little ways out from underneath the sofa. Now that we were back in the daylight I could finally get a good look at it, and I realized my mistake.

Without warning, the pegasus pony took to the air and spun around to face me, fixing me with that stare of hers and freezing me in place again.

>>382735
"You'd better have a good explanation for this!" she scolded me. "All I asked you to do was to please stay out of my basement. Didn't you see that note I left you?"

"I couldn't read it," I said, my body completely rigid. Her stare relaxed slightly, and I was able to move my arms. I pulled out an asparagus stalk and put it in my mouth, but realized that I had no way to light it.

"Anyway," I continued, "I'm sorry about all that; it was just a misunderstanding. I thought you were hiding a sasquatch in your basement, but it turns out it was just Bill."

I slid the unlit asparagus back into my shirt pocket, then it suddenly dawned on me what I'd just said.

"Wait a minute. Bill?" I peered around the pegasus mare. "What are you doing here?"

Sergeant William Fontaine De La Toure D'auterive crawled the rest of the way out from under the pony's sofa, and clambered to his feet with as much dignity as he could muster. He adjusted his filthy white tank top so that his protruding gut was no longer visible for the world to see. He stared directly into my eyes, with as serious an expression as I'd ever seen on his face before.

"Please don't make me go back home, Dale. I love it here so much."

Topkek.
I didn't expect that, well done.

>>382737
Chatgpt:
>GG is a walking comedy WMD
Great stuff.^^

>>382733
He meets my wife!!!
>The mid-morning sun backlit her face, making her light pink mane glow like an angel's halo.
Very very beautiful description!
>>382736
KEK fantastic. I could have never thought of something like that

>>382743
>Chatgpt
Then again. Maybe, I'm a bit of hypocrite to bring it up as its opinion matter, tho I kinda just thought it was a funny description without taking much weight into it. But still, mb. Anyway, I put some of your VN into it and gave a whole bunch of paragraphs explaining why the word "Nigger" isn't okay and extremely low-brow. Have more finesse like South Park. The weird thing is that it doesn't really seem to disagree with my counter arguments but imo, goes deeper and deeper into mental-gymnastics.

Anyway, I love this story and your VN. And you probably, tho that is a bit gay to say.

Rescue bump, new chapter will be up shortly, it was delayed due to BabsCon + the 4chan drama.

>>382736
We all sat around the kitchen table, eating vegetable stew. The pegasus mare, whose name turned out to be Fluttershy, kept spooning out bowl after bowl for Bill, while he inhaled it like a bottomless vortex. In the rare moments when he wasn't gorging himself, he would utter burbling, contented porcine squeals that probably passed in his mind for compliments, while Fluttershy doted on him like a nursemaid. The whole scene was thoroughly nauseating, and yet somehow I couldn't look away. In other words, it was exactly the same as every other time I'd ever watched Bill D'auterive eat. The only thing that made it strange was that this time there was a woman present. Well, sort of, anyway.

Finally, the ravenous beast appeared satisfied. He leaned back in his seat and belched happily, scratching his bulbous gut.

"Well, Fluttershy, I'm impressed," I said. "You've accomplished a feat that no living soul would have ever thought possible: getting Bill to eat vegetables."

"Oh, he's a hungry little dear alright," cooed Fluttershy, dabbing at Bill's dripping chin with a cloth while he giggled. "We just have to teach him to use his napkin a little better, that's all."

"And now you've flown a little too close to the sun."

Bill shot me a quick, reproving frown, and then went back to tittering like a schoolgirl while Fluttershy cleaned the vegetable goop from around his mouth. I was getting kind of a Florence Nightingale vibe from her.

"So, Bill," I said, clearing my throat loudly. "I'm sure there's an interesting story for how you wound up on the Horse Planet. Did you come by saucer, or did they use the teleportation beam?"

Bill looked slightly confused, and then shrugged.

"I guess I got here the same way you did, Dale. It was that mirror in the basement of the old Rackley place, wasn't it?"

I frowned. My recollections of my last moments in Arlen were still hazy, consistent with the missing time phenomenon common in alien abductions. I remembered fumigating the basement of the Rackley house, all right, and I did recall something about a mirror...

"Tell me everything you remember."

Bill scooped up a glob of stew remnants from the bottom of his bowl with his fingers and cleaned them with a revolting slurp.

"It all happened last week," he said. "Me and Hank and Boomhauer were out in the alley, drinkin' a few beers. You'd already been gone for a couple of days by then. Then all of a sudden, Nancy came runnin' out of your house—”

"How's Nancy been?"

"She's... uh... fine." Bill paused, looking slightly uncomfortable. "Uh... John Redcorn's been over there an awful lot."

I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Good ol' John Redcorn. I can always depend on him. Anyway, go on."

Bill cleared his throat.

"Well, anyway, it's like I said, we were all standin' around talkin, and then Nancy came runnin' out of the house. She had some lady on the phone, who was mad because she'd hired you to spray for roaches, only you hadn't finished the job. She called the customer satisfaction number on the back of your business card, and got Nancy."

"Oh yeah, that's right, it's my home number now. Hank made me change it because he was tired of getting calls for me at Strickland."

"Yep. So anyway, Nancy gives the phone to Hank, and Hank talks to her for awhile. I guess that Rackley lady was pretty mad, because you'd left your truck parked out front and all your poison tanks and stuff in her basement, and she was threatenin' to call the police. So Hank calms her down, and says he'll come by and pick up your equipment as soon as he can."

"Was Hank mad?"

"Uh... little bit. He kept talkin' about how it's Grillstravaganza this week, and how he doesn't have time to be cleanin' up after you and so forth."

I finished the last few bites of my own bowl of stew and put an asparagus stalk in my mouth. My lighter was still missing, but there was a lantern on the table that worked well enough in a pinch.

"So anyway," continued Bill, "Hank asks Boomhauer to give him a lift over to East Arlen, and I decided to tag along. When we get there that Rackley lady is outside, and she looks pretty steamed. She's throwin' your exterminator stuff out on the lawn, yellin' and cussin' at us to load it up and get it outta here, and sayin' how she's not gonna pay you, and she's gonna get your license pulled and blah blah blah..."

I snorted and blew out a puff of asparagus smoke.

"Joke's on her, I don't even have a license. And if anything, I should be charging her extra. Her house is a magnet for extraterrestrial activity, and on top of that she probably broke my spray wand. I'll take it up with my attorney Octavio when I get home. But do go on."

"Right," said Bill. "So, like I said, Hank's awful sore by then, and for a minute it looks like he and Mrs. Rackley are gonna get into it. But then Boomhauer gets out and suddenly Mrs. Rackley gets real nice and don't seem as mad no more. On account of how Boomhauer's such a smooth talker and all."

"Yep."

"Yep. So while Boomhauer's over there dealin' with Mrs. Rackley, me and Hank get your equipment loaded up into your van—"

"The Bugabago."

"Right, the Bugabago. So then Hank fishes around under the seat until he finds your spare key, and then he drives off, mutterin' to himself about how he's gonna kick your ass and all that when you get back. Then Mrs. Rackley goes back inside her house, and me and Boomhauer get in his car and decide to go get some Whataburger.

"So anyway, we're eatin', and we get to talkin' about how weird it is that you just up and disappeared without tellin' anyone. We'd been talkin' about it in the alley earlier, and Hank just figured you were off on one of your UFO hunts or somethin', but me and Boomhauer were gettin' kinda worried on account of how it's not like you to leave a job without at least killin' all the bugs first."

I nodded thoughtfully.

"Well, I do love killing bugs.”

>>388620
"Uh huh. Well, anyway, me and Boomhauer decide it might be a good idea to go back to that house and maybe have a look around, see if we can find any clues. So we work out a plan, and we decide the thing to do is to have Boomhauer distract that lady, and meanwhile I can sneak inside the house and see what I can find.

"By the time we pull up again it's almost sundown, and we see that lady standin' in the doorway talkin' to her son. Her son's a real gangly-lookin' fella, got long hair and glasses, and he's wavin' his arms and carrying’ on, somethin’ about his manager at the video store and how he’s gonna put a hex on him and blah blah blah. Anyway, he goes walkin' off eventually, and then as soon as he's gone Boomhauer goes up to the door and starts in on Mrs. Rackley.

"And well, you know how Boomhauer is with the ladies. He's all 'dang ol' this' and 'dang ol' that', and pretty soon she and him get into his car, and they go drivin' off. Meanwhile I been hidin' in the bushes, so as soon as they're gone I sneak around to the back and slip into the house.

"I poke around in there a little bit and don't really find anythin', but then I go down to the basement and... that's when it starts gettin' weird. At first it just looks like a normal room down there, with some couches and chairs and a bunch of heavy metal posters on the walls, so I figure that's where the son sleeps. But then I go a little farther in and I notice he's got all these skulls and candles and weird-lookin' witchcraft books."

"I remember all that. I had to use one of that guy’s grimoires to kill a particularly large and feisty cockroach, as I recall."

"Well, that's not even the strangest part. So anyway, I start gettin' the creeps while I'm pokin' around in there, wonderin' if maybe I oughta go back and call the police, but then I see this weird mirror over in the corner. I go over there to take a look at it, but as soon as I do my reflection starts' getting all wavy and blurry. So I figure maybe it's a little dirty so I reach out to wipe it off, but as soon as I touch it I see this blindin' white light, and before you know it I'm standin' on a hill in the middle of the woods. And so I go wanderin’ off until I find this little town, and there’s all these cute little talkin’ ponies, and… well, I guess you can probably figure the rest out from there."

I was puffing on my asparagus, staring thoughtfully out the window as Bill told his story. Something about this didn't add up. Where was the spaceship? How had we gotten from Earth to the horse planet? What if I was wrong, and there wasn't a ship at all? If that mirror was some kind of wormhole then it threw my whole plan of escape out of whack—

A knock at the door derailed my train of thought. Fluttershy had been floating around the cottage, tidying up while Bill and I talked. She was now gliding towards the front door, as once again someone rapped on it from the other side.

"Wait!" I called out, scrambling to my feet.

I sprinted across the room, blocking her path. Fluttershy ground to a halt in midair.

"What's the matter?" she asked, alarmed.

A hoof rapped on the front door, more insistent this time.

"Who's that out there?" I hissed.

"Um, I don't know," stammered Fluttershy. "I haven't answered it yet."

The knock came again.

Outside, the sun had dipped well below the horizon and the daylight was almost gone. Bill was now coming towards us.

"What's the matter, Dale?"

I waved my hand at him to keep his voice down, then turned to Fluttershy.

"Ask them who it is," I hissed. "But don't open the door."

Fluttershy now looked worried. However, before she could do anything, the knock came again.

"Hello?" said a muffled female voice from the other side. "Fluttershy? Are you home?"

Fluttershy breathed a heavy sigh of relief.

"Oh, it's just Twilight. She's probably here because—EEP!!"

She was floating towards the door again, but cried out as I grabbed her by the tail and yanked her backward.

"Did you tell anyone I was here?!?" I demanded.

"Oh, um, well, I, uh…"

Bill tired to wedge himself in between us.

"Dale, that's no way to talk to a lady-horse, 'specially not such a purdy one—"

"Oh, cram it, Bill, we don't have time!" I said, shoving him out of the way.

"Mr. Rusty?" Twilight's voice came again from the other side of the door. "Is that you in there?"

“Crap!” I muttered.

The three of us fell silent, Bill and I frozen in mid-grapple. The voice had a friendly tone, but there was a faint menacing note underneath it.

>>388621
*THUNK*

*THUNK*

*THUNK*

Three slow knocks.

"I know you're in there, Mr. Rusty," said Twilight, still in that same fake-sweet voice. "And don't forget, you're still grounded, buster."

"Did you tell Twilight I was here?" I hissed at Fluttershy.

"Um... I might have said something to her while I was out earlier..."

Bill was looking back and forth between Fluttershy and me and the front door, his expression growing more and more confused.

"It's no use hiding in there," continued Twilight sweetly. "You're only making things harder on yourself, you know."

"Go to hell, you demon horse!" I shouted.

The voice on the other side of the door went silent. For several agonizing seconds all was still. And then:

"Fluttershy, darling, won't you please open this door?" said Rarity's voice.

"Equestria's in trouble, sugar cube!" Applejack now. "There's... there's some kinda monster invadin' the town!"

"You simply must open the door this instant!" cried Rarity.

"We could all really use your help right now," finished Twilight. "Don't you trust your friends?"

Fluttershy was now shivering on the floor, covering her head with her hooves. There was a loud thump as something large and heavy collided with the door. It hit again, harder this time, and the bolt rattled. A small pebble collided with a nearby window, and in the fading light I could see dark shapes floating outside.

"Bill, brace the door!" I ordered.

Bill threw his full weight against it as the thing on the other side made another attempt to force its way in. The hinges creaked and the bolt rattled, but Bill had been an offensive lineman and he had more than enough strength to counter a few measly alien bugs. Meanwhile, I sprang to the window and threw the shutters closed.

The thing outside rattled the door a few more times, and then stopped. For several agonizing seconds everything was silent. Then, there came a small, pitiful voice:

"Mr. Rusty?" It was Sweetie Belle. "Mr. Rusty? Aren't you going to come help me? You left me all alone out here..."

Her voice erupted into a cacophony of cruel laughter. I cracked open a shutter and peered out the window. There was a horde of the black insect creatures, at least forty or fifty of them, hovering in a semicircle around the cottage. The door rattled as one of them gave it one last kick, and then the horde receded into the darkness, still laughing, their blue-green eyes fading into the twilight like radioactive fireflies.

10/10 would read again. You've got the feel and Fluttershy Fluttershying perfect.

>>388622
I might give more feedback later but I like it!^^

>>388622
We were once again seated at Fluttershy's table. Bright morning sunlight was streaming through the window, and the birds both outside and inside the house were chirping merrily. It was shaping up to be a beautiful day, but we didn't feel especially cheerful. I don't think any of us had gotten more than a couple hours of sleep.

"Um, did you get enough to eat?"

Fluttershy was hovering above the table, cradling a half-empty pot of oatmeal in her front hooves. I nodded and waved her away, while Bill sat back, smiling and mumbling with his mouth still full. I thought I detected a slight hint of disgust in Fluttershy's expression when a glob of spittle-coated oatmeal hit her on the muzzle. Nevertheless, she smiled and dumped the remainder of the pot into his bowl without chiding him. I cleared my throat.

"So, uh, you were saying something about a book, Fluttershy?" I said.

"Hmm? Oh, yes," she replied, turning away from Bill. "It's my copy of the Creatures of Equestria Compendium. I loaned it to Twilight a few weeks ago because she wanted to read the new edition. It's probably still in her library somewhere. If anypony in Equestria knows anything about what those... those things last night were, it would be in that book."

"Hmmm..."

I scratched my chin. I doubted that a compendium on the creatures of Equestria would have much to say about creatures from not-Equestria. At the same time, though, I needed to keep everyone's spirits up. There was also the possibility that these extraterrestrials could turn out to be plain old regular-terrestrials. Equestrian terrestrials. Equestrials.

I stood up. My chair grated harshly against the wooden floor, making the other two wince.

"Listen up," I said. "Tomorrow, the three of us are going to lead an assault on the Golden Oak Library."

Fluttershy squeaked and dropped to the ground.

"Um... an assault? Are you sure that's, um... well... I'm not sure that's such a..."

"Don't worry," I said, cutting her off. "It won't be a frontal assault, and if it goes well there probably won't be any casualties."

Sadly, that didn't seem to reassure her.

"How come tomorrow?" cut in Bill, who was still spooning oatmeal into his mouth. "Why can't we just go over there right now?"

"Excellent question, Sergeant D'auterive. According to my intel, tomorrow is a school day, and Miss Cheerilee is planning to take her class on an 'educational field trip' to the Golden Oak Library. This is most likely a ploy to get the foals into Twilight's basement. As we all saw last night, the aliens know who I am and will no doubt be on their guard. However, I am technically still a member of Cheerilee's class, and if I decide to go on the field trip she'll have to let me in order to keep up appearances."

"Oh, um, so you'll be the one doing the... um... assaulting, then?" Fluttershy sounded relieved. "So, uh, what do you need us to do?"

"You and Bill will be watching from nearby. As soon as you see me enter the library with Cheerilee's class, the Billdozer here is going to block the door so that nobody can escape, and the aliens can't call for reinforcements. Meanwhile, I will personally use my fists to subdue the alien horde. Once we've reclaimed the library, you can come inside and look for that book. Then we can find out just what sort of enemy we're dealing with here."

"Oh, um, that's, um, well..."

Fluttershy was now crouched on the floor, the coward, shaking and covering her face with her wings. I glared at her in contempt.

"Dammit Fluttershy, do you want your friends back or not?"

>>390783
She lowered her wings, swallowed, and gave a reluctant nod. Nearby, Bill was licking the last bits of oatmeal from the bottom of his breakfast bowl. These two didn't exactly inspire confidence, but they were the only allies I had left. I'd have to trust them for now. I jammed an asparagus stalk into my mouth and reached for my lighter, only to remember once again that I'd lost it. I lit my stalk in the hearth embers instead, and then stomped out of the kitchen.

"Where you goin', Dale?"

Bill set his bowl down on the table and scrambled after me, Fluttershy a couple of steps behind. I paused at the front door, my hand on the doorknob.

"I need to go make some preparations," I said. "And at any rate, we can't stay here. The aliens will probably be back sooner or later."

"Should we come with you?" asked Fluttershy. I shook my head.

"It's better if I'm alone. In fact, it's probably better if they see me go off on my own, since they're probably watching the cottage. I'm their main target. You guys can slip out after I'm gone, just stick to crowded areas and don't talk to strangers. Or anyone you know. Especially not anyone you know."

Fluttershy was once again trembling visibly. I watched her for a moment, and then turned to Bill.

"Bill, your job for now is to protect Fluttershy."

His face lit up.

"I won't let you down!"

He knelt on the floor next to her and began mumbling creepy reassurances, while pawing at her mane with his sticky oatmeal fingers. I watched them for a moment, frowning.

"Angel Bunny!" I called. Fluttershy's pet rabbit scampered to the front of the room and looked up at me attentively. "Your job is to protect Fluttershy from being protected by Bill."

The rabbit gave me a grave salute. Bill looked a little indignant.

"And now," I said, "I must be off. If all goes well, I shall see you both at the Golden Oak Library at oh-eight-hundred tomorrow. May God have mercy on our souls."
[hr]
Avoiding the main road, I made my way around the edge of the forest, and then cut through the trees until I could see Applejack's farm. The place looked deserted, but that didn't necessarily mean it was empty. Nothing had been cleaned up from the fight the other day. The barn door and several of the windows were still hanging open.

From my hiding place in the bushes, I scanned the ground near the barn, trying to spot where I'd dropped my lighter. No luck. I thought about getting closer so I could search more thoroughly, but in the end I decided against it. I probably had bug-eyes all over me, and I couldn't chance an ambush. However, the fillies' treehouse wasn't that far away, and I remembered they had a lantern in there that would do in a pinch.

Using every stealth trick I knew, I doubled back through the woods, taking the long way in case I was being watched. I didn't think the bugs actually knew about the treehouse, and I didn't want to lead them there if I could avoid it. When I got there I crouched behind a tree and watched the place for a solid three minutes, but saw no sign of activity, either in the treehouse or the surrounding woods. Finally confident that I was alone, I ascended the entry ramp and went in.

Everything inside was just as the foals and I had left it. Seeing it again just reminded me of everything that had happened. I felt my entire body tense up.

"Mr. Rusty...?"

In the back of my mind, I could hear Sweetie Belle's voice from last night.

"Mr. Rusty? Aren't you going to come help me?"

The tension was getting worse, and it wasn't just because I needed a smoke. Had the aliens really gotten Sweetie Belle, or were they just screwing with my head?

"You left me all alone out here..."

I shook the thoughts away, and grabbed the lantern I'd come for. This was no time to get sentimental over some traitorous horse who was probably in bed with the Federal Government. Whether they had her or not, it didn't change my objective. First, I was going to kick those aliens in whatever region of the body their species was traditionally kicked. Then, I was going to find a way off of this godforsaken rock.

The wick of the lantern had been turned way down, but there was still a very small flame. I increased it enough to light my stalk, then lowered it again to conserve fuel. I noticed what looked like a newspaper sitting on the crate that was sometimes used as a table, so I grabbed that as well.

You never know; I might need something to read.

I took one last look around the treehouse, and then headed back down the ramp and into the woods. There was plenty of daylight left, and I still had work to do.

>>390786
I spent the night in a ditch, and when I woke up I was covered with dew and freezing. I sneezed and peeled the now-damp newspaper off of my back.

They had a blanket up there too. Why didn't I grab that instead of the newspaper?

It didn't matter. I had work to do. I crawled up to the lip of the ditch and peered over. I was maybe a couple of yards from the only road connecting the school to the town. Except for a few like Apple Bloom and Silver Spoon that lived farther out, most of the foals on their way to school would happen by this way.

Sure enough, little groups of foals soon began trickling by. I recognized most of them. They were all chatting normally, like they didn't have a care in the world.

Eventually, the group I was waiting for rounded the bend. Apple Bloom was at the front, followed by Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle. Bringing up the rear was... me. I watched them as they went past. The bugs seemed to be getting better at imitating the ponies they replaced; the three fillies were bantering with each other in a way that sounded almost normal, and the foals they greeted on the road as they went past didn't seem to detect anything was amiss. The one that was playing me even had a stalk of asparagus clenched in his teeth, and was doing a fairly convincing imitation of my voice.

"...and that's why the FCC shrunk hamsters down to a tenth of their original size," my doppelganger was saying, as Scootaloo's doppelganger continued to nod and feign interest. "It was all part of their plot to assassinate Richard Nixon, because he was going to expose the truth about... uh... UFO's!"

I had to bite my lip so hard it drew blood; otherwise I would have burst out laughing and blown my cover. Everything he was saying was absolute nonsense.

"Alright, guess I have to take it back," I muttered to myself. "This guy's nothing but a pathetic amateur. Everybody knows that hamster-shrinking project had nothing to do with Nixon."

I spat out the butt of my asparagus stalk. This was going to be too easy.

Keeping low and out of sight, I moved through the underbrush parallel to the road, keeping pace with the three "fillies" and the "human." When they reached the school, I crept forward as close as I dared, and peered out from behind a tree.

There was a confused crowd of foals milling around outside the schoolhouse, as I'd suspected there would be. "Cheerilee" was standing in front of the locked door, rattling it in frustration.

"Miss Cheerilee, what's going on? Why is the door locked?"

A little yellow foal was pawing at the teacher's front leg, to her visible frustration. For just a moment Cheerilee's eyes flashed green, but she took a deep breath and composed herself.

"I don't know, dear," she said, putting maybe just a pinch too much saccharine into her tone. "I must have locked it yesterday and forgotten about it."

"Don't you have the key?" the filly pressed.

Miss Cheerilee clenched her teeth and forced a grin.

"I... must have left it at home..."

Heh. Left it in your desk drawer is more like it...

I reached into my pocket and made sure the key was still there. It was.

During my brief time in Ponyville, I'd learned that this was an extremely high-trust society; probably why the bugs were able to infiltrate it so easily. Ponies almost never locked their doors. When I'd come by the schoolhouse the previous afternoon, I'd found that bug-Cheerilee had found no reason to break with this practice. I'd stolen the key from the teacher's desk, shuttered all the windows from inside and then locked the door on my way out.

As the filly continued to paw at her and ask silly questions, Cheerilee's glance focused on something lying on the ground near the door. Her eyes narrowed as she realized it was the butt of an asparagus stalk. She looked up sharply and made eye contact with the three "Crusaders" in the back row. They gave an imperceptible nod and began to fan out, doing their best to look like they were just casually wandering off.

I smiled to myself. They were falling right into my trap.

I'd been careful to leave deliberate traces of my presence all over the schoolyard. I knew that would make the bugs immediately suspicious, and they'd have no choice but to search for me. But, if they were still going through with this 'field trip' farce, it meant that most of the foals hadn't been replicated yet, and they'd have limited manpower to work with. Horsepower. Whatever. Either way, the further out they were spread, the easier it would be to get at least one of them alone.

I noticed Silver Spoon had also casually detached herself from the milieu, and was now prowling the yard along with the three crusaders. The rest of the foals were just chatting with each other or milling around looking bored.

"Scootaloo" gave a low whistle, and signaled to the other three that she'd found something. I smiled again. In addition to a few scattered asparagus butts and intentional footprints, I'd also set up some extremely obvious booby-traps around the playground, and it looked like Scoot had found one. The four fillies were now clustered around, working to dismantle it.

That only left "Dale" to be dealt with. He was still standing near the back of the crowd, scanning the treeline at the edge of the grounds. Probably keeping watch.

Perfect.

As soon as he was looking in my direction, I poked my head out and made sure he saw me. His eyes narrowed, and he spat out his asparagus.

"Excuse me, teacher," he said, in that half-right sounding voice. "I'm going to go away and smoke some more vegetables."

Cheerilee gave him a sly nod, and resumed fussing with the door.

I walked quickly around the edge of the yard, circling the schoolhouse building. I could hear doppel-Dale's soft footsteps in the grass behind me. As soon as I was in sight of the outhouses around back, I broke into a sudden sprint.

>>390787
Dale gave a muffled curse, and took off in pursuit. I ducked behind one of the outhouses, and as soon as I heard him rounding the corner I sprang out and took a swing at him. However, his reflexes were quicker than I'd anticipated, and he ducked, hissing at me.

We faced off. I went into a dragon stance. He immediately fell into an identical stance. I waved my right arm. He mimicked the gesture. I waved my left arm. He mimicked that too. I stuck out my tongue and blew a raspberry. He did the same.

"You're pretty good at this," I said.

My doppelganger sneered.

"Thanks."

"Ever heard of a guy named Harpo Marx?"

"No."

"Too bad. Well, how about that famous field marshall from the Thirty Years War? I think his name was... Johann Testiclaes!"[sup]1[/sup]

Before he could respond, I unleashed the dreaded Gribble Dragon Attack, a deadly finishing move that I hadn't used since grade school.

Kicking a man in the crotch as hard as you can is never a pleasant task, and it's even worse when you have to do it to yourself. I couldn't help but wince as I watched myself double over with intense pain, my eyes bugging out of their sockets, in this case taking the shape of actual bug eyes. But, as I'd suspected, these creatures had a limited understanding of human anatomy, so this was pain he hadn't prepared for. As my doppelganger clutched at his abdomen, struggling to regain his breath, half-transforming back into a bug, I seized a nearby hunk of wood and gave his head one hell of a wallop. He went down immediately, either unconscious or dead. As soon as he hit the ground, there was a flickering of green light, and my former impersonator had once more assumed his natural shape.

Before I could decide what to do with him, though, I heard hoofsteps approaching.

"Hello? Is anypony back here?"

I tensed. That was Sweetie Belle's voice. I looked at the thick piece of wood that was still in my hand.

"Hello?" she called again.

There was a weird twinge in the pit of my stomach. Even though I knew she was probably an alien replicant, somehow the idea of clubbing Sweetie Belle with a two-by-four didn't sit well with me. Did I really have the stomach for this?

"Helloooo...."

The hoofsteps were close now; she'd be there any second. In a panic, I threw my club aside, and snatched a burlap sack that was lying nearby and tossed it over the unconscious bug. For some reason I still had that newspaper rolled up in my back pocket, so I pulled it out and unfolded it. When Sweetie Belle turned the corner, I was leaning up against the door to the outhouse, whistling casually and pretending to read the paper, doing my best to block her view of the bulky burlap-covered shape underneath me.

I could feel her eyes on me. I continued to whistle, and turned the page.

"Uh... Mr. Rusty?"

I lowered the paper briefly.

"Oh, hey there Sweetie Belle. If you need to get into the latrine, somepony's already in there."

I resumed reading and whistling. I could still feel her watching me. I was beginning to sweat.

"Uh... Mr. Rusty?" she repeated. "What are you doing?"

I glanced at where I'd tossed the club, and realized to my dismay that it was now too far away to grab easily. I glanced back at Sweetie Belle, who was still watching me with a slightly confused, slightly suspicious expression.

She is pretty tiny. I can probably take her with my bare hands if she doesn't transform into something bigger...

She took a step closer, raising an eyebrow.

"Are you reading the Foal Free Press?"

"Why yes I am," I replied, hoping I sounded more relaxed than I felt.

"Uh... why?"

I turned a page, pretending to be completely absorbed and ignoring the question.

"Hmmm... This press claims to be foal-free, and yet if I didn't know better I'd say it was written entirely by foals. Interesting..."

Sweetie Belle watched me for a few seconds longer, and then sighed.

"What was Oswald?" she asked suddenly.

I looked up.

"Huh?"

"I said: what was Oswald?"

The question caught me off guard.

"Well, framed, obviously, but how did you know—oh, wait a minute, that was the password, wasn't it? But wait, if you're one of them, I shouldn't have told you about the password... but then again, if you knew about the password, that probably means you aren't one of them—"

She sighed heavily, and an aquamarine aura suddenly yanked my newspaper away. She trotted around me and peered under the burlap sack.

"Is this the one that was pretending to be you?" she asked.

"...uh, yeah. There's still another one around here somewhere, pretending to be you—"

"I already got that one."

Sweetie Belle's horn aura lifted the latch on the outhouse, and the door swung open. Inside was another one of the horse-bugs, lying unconscious on the floor. Its legs were trussed together with some kind of expensive-looking silk ribbon, tied in a bow.

She reddened slightly.

"I borrowed the ribbon from Rarity's shop," she explained. "Hopefully she won't be mad that I took it."

I looked more closely at the bug. There was a huge lump near its horn, that had swollen almost to the size of its entire head. I looked back at Sweetie Belle, who reddened further.

"I... hit it with a rock."

I nudged the creature with my foot. It made sort of a low burbling sound in the back of its throat, and that was all.

"Yeesh. How hard did you hit it?"

She scowled.

"Listen, Mr. Rusty. Those bug-things took my sister, they took my friends... I'm through horsing around!"

I kind of wanted to make a joke there, but the look of unbridled fury in that tiny unicorn's eyes changed my mind. She glared at me.

"So, are you gonna help me, or do I have to do this by myself?" she demanded.

I swallowed.

"Uh... okey dokey."

>>390789
>I'm through horsing around!
Woah! Pony supremacy there.
>Infiltrating the infiltrators
>Doppelganging the doppelganger
This is so smart. I love it<3

>>390783
>>390786
>>390787
>>390789
What a treat! Sweetie must be badass to escape bup-prison like that

>>390789
Sweetie Belle and I quickly hog-tied the replicant I'd brained with the last of the ribbon, and tossed him into the outhouse next to hers.

"Come on, we'd better get going," I said. "If we're gone for too long the other bugs will get suspicious."

"Right. Oh, before we go, I need to give you something."

She flipped open her school saddlebag and levitated a small object in my direction. As soon as I realized what it was, I excitedly snatched it out of her aura.

"My lighter!" I cradled it lovingly against my cheek. "Oh, you sweet beautiful baby, I'll never let you out of my sight again!"

I held the lighter in front of my eyes for a moment, gazing at it in silent contemplation. A genuine Zippo, owned and used by Lee Harvey Oswald, only $63.99 on eBay. Order now, only a few left. Fuel and certificate of authenticity not included. The beautiful Promethean flame from which all smokes flow.

"I found it on the ground at Apple Bloom's farm. I figured you'd want it back."

I turned my reverent gaze to Sweetie Belle, and felt an overwhelming gratitude. Maybe this little white unicorn filly wasn't a government agent after all.

We closed up the outhouse and went back into the schoolyard. Doppel Bloom, Doppeloo and Doppel Spoon had just finished dismantling the last of the traps I'd set up, and were trotting back to rejoin their classmates. They glanced at us briefly, and I gave them what I hoped was a cool, subtle nod. Sweetie Belle did the same. They nodded back and continued walking.

"Remember: we're pretending to be bugs pretending to be us," I whispered to her as we walked. "Don't act too much like yourself, but then again, don't act too much not like yourself."

"I've been doing this all morning," Sweetie whispered back. "It's weird, but you get used to it. Kinda."

Ahead of us, it looked like Cheeriloppel had given up on trying to get the door open, and was now focused on herding the foals together.

"Did you learn anything from hanging out with those other three?" I asked. "Anything we can use?"

Sweetie Belle frowned.

"They mostly tried to act like Apple Bloom and Scootaloo in case anypony was watching, but sometimes when we were alone they'd talk about 'the queen' or 'the hive.'"

"Just like fireants. Why am I not surprised?"

"I couldn't really understand most of what they were saying," she continued. "It was weird. Something about... eating love? It didn't make any sense, but I couldn't ask questions because I had to pretend I knew everything already. But they want to get all the foals over to Twilight's library for some reason. None of the adults, just the foals."

"That's probably where the hive is. If I had to guess, I'd say it's in the basement somewhere. Damn, if only I had my poison tanks this would be easy..."

We were getting close to where Cheerilee and the others were, so we had to stop whispering to each other. Cheerilee gave me an inquisitive look. I nodded slightly, and drew my finger across my throat in a cutting motion, hoping that signal had the same meaning for bugs and ponies that it does for humans. Luckily, she seemed to take my meaning. She gave a light nod, and then turned to the class, all smiles again.

"All right, everypony!" she cried, in that too-sweet voice. "Let's all get in line, and we can go on our field trip!"
[hr]
The inside of the Golden Oak Library looked about the same as the last time I'd been there. The horse children were just sort of milling around. A couple of them were scanning rows of books on the shelves, but most of them just looked bored or confused.

Sweetie Belle and I entered last. After the door clicked shut, I hung back for minute or two, until I heard the soft muffled thump of something large and bulky pressing up against it. It sounded like the Billdozer was in place.

"Alright, everypony. Now that we're all here, let's have a look at Ponyville's historic Golden Oak Library!"

The bug pretending to be Twilight Sparkle was standing in the center of the room, right in front of that table with the carved wooden horse's head on it. She had a big, awkward, creepy grin plastered across her face, like she had no idea how a normal pony was supposed to act in front of other ponies. It was like I said: these things were getting really good at imitating their counterparts.

She cleared her throat and began moving awkwardly about, pointing to shelves of books and giving long explanations of things that didn't really require them. Most of the foals had already lost interest and were looking around in a bored way. A few of them began talking amongst themselves in low voices.

"What's so special about the Golden Oak Library?" I heard one filly whisper to her friend. The other foal shrugged.

"I don't know. This is a really weird field trip."

I scanned the room, taking a quick mental inventory of our known enemies. There was Twilight of course, as well as Cheerilee, Silver Spoon, Apple Bloom and Scootaloo. No sign of Spike, but that didn't mean he wasn't lurking around somewhere. As for any of the other ponies who I knew had been replicated, I didn't see them, and I didn't suspect they'd be around. I was beginning to understand what the plan here probably was, and if I was right the bugs wouldn't have thought they'd need much more than a skeleton crew for this. We had an advantage, but it wouldn't last long. I'd need to move quickly.

The main room of the library was a giant circle, carved into the trunk of the tree. Directly across from where I stood was a staircase that led up to the loft that served as Twilight and Spike's living space, and next to that was an alcove that led to the basement.

I edged as close as I could to Sweetie Belle without looking suspicious.

"I need to get into the basement," I whispered. "Think you could cause a distraction so I can slip down there?"

>>392558

Sweetie gave a light nod, and began walking towards the center of the room. Meanwhile, Twilight had moved on to another bookcase, continuing her lecture for the two or three foals who were still bothering to feign interest.

"...and over here, we have... uh... Star Swirl the Bearded's famous treatise on... uh... teleportation!"

She gestured toward a thin volume that didn't look like a treatise on anything of the sort. A little pink unicorn's hoof shot into the air.

"Um, Miss Twilight?"

"Yes?"

"I thought Star Swirl the Bearded's teleportation book was at the Royal Canterlot Library. That's what Miss Cheerilee said."

Two other foals nodded at that. Twilight's face flickered with irritation.

"Well, yes, it is, but this is my personal copy, which I brought with me from Canterlot..."

The unicorn raised her hoof again.

"But isn't teleportation in the restricted section? Won't you get in trouble for bringing it here?"

"Yeah," chimed in another one. "And how come the title says A Dinner of Oats by Nora Hinney Wallace? Did you switch the book covers so Princess Celestia wouldn't find out you took it?"

The whites of Twilight's eyes flickered green, and for just a moment it looked like she might actually lose her temper and drop the facade. Then, suddenly, there came a loud crash. Everypony's eyes turned to the center of the room, where the big wooden horse's head had just fallen off its pedestal.

"Ahhh!" cried Diamond Tiara, leaping out of the way just as it fell. "You did that on purpose!"

Sweetie Belle took several steps backward.

"No, I didn't, honest!" she stammered. "I just bumped into it!"

"Liar! Like I'd really believe a stupid blank flank!"

Silver Spoon quickly wedged herself between the two fillies.

"I really don't think she did it on purpose..."

"What are you taking her side for?" demanded Tiara. "You're supposed to be my friend!"

She gave Spoon a shove, causing her to bump into Sweetie Belle. She didn't actually bump her that hard, but Sweetie pretended to lose her balance, crashing into a nearby colt.

"Hey!" cried the colt indignantly. He shoved her back, and she wobbled the other way.

Several of the foals were now shouting at each other, arguing passionately over whether or not Sweetie Belle had intentionally knocked over the wooden horse head. Fake-Twilight shot fake-Cheerilee an angry glance.

"Get them under control!" she hissed. "You're their teacher, aren't you?"

Cheerilee took a step forward and cleared her throat.

"Now now, class, let's all settle down..."

Nopony paid any attention to me as I made my way slowly around the edge of the room. I ducked through the alcove, treading on the stairs as softly as I could.

The steep, narrow staircase wound through one of the tree's roots into a little hollowed out room underground. A dim shaft of sunlight poking through a tiny window was the only light. I gave my eyes a couple seconds to adjust, then had a look around.

The cellar looked about the same as I remembered it, just a few boxes of random junk and barrels full of stored vegetables. In the corner was the little cot Twilight had given me to sleep on. The whole room looked... disappointingly ordinary. There were no signs of an alien hive anywhere that I could see.

Then I noticed a faint green glow coming from the wall, behind a stack of rather large boxes. With some effort I managed to push them aside, revealing a crudely-dug tunnel about the diameter of a manhole. I got down on my hands and knees and crawled through.

The tunnel sloped steeply downward, twisting and turning its way through the earth, until finally I emerged into a wide cavern. When I rose to my feet, I saw something that every alien hunter spends his life dreaming about, but few are ever lucky enough to see.

The cavern was full of translucent green glowing pods, each one containing an unconscious pony floating in stasis. Twilight, Spike, Rarity, and Cheerilee were all grouped into one corner. Nearby I found Silver Spoon and her parents, along with two of the three Crusaders and Applejack's family. There were also a couple I didn't recognize: an old mare with glasses who looked like she might be the town's mayor, and a little grey and blonde pegasus with cross-eyes.

Suddenly, I heard the scuffling of earth on the floor behind me. I wheeled around to see a pink, poofy-maned earth pony standing between me and the tunnel. As soon as she saw me, she flashed a big, silly grin and began hopping up and down excitedly.

"Tee hee hee!" she giggled, in a singsong voice that was creepily out of sync with the atmosphere down there. "That's right, Mr. Rusty! It was meeeeeeeee the whole time! Bet you weren't expecting that, were you?"

I lifted my clip-on sunglasses and squinted at her. Then I lowered them again and shrugged.

"I have no idea who you are."

The pony stopped bouncing.

"Really?"

I lit an asparagus stalk.

"Nope."

She cocked her head inquisitively to the side.

"Reeeeeeeeeally? We've seriously never met?"

"Sorry."

"You mean you've been in this town for this long and you didn't run into me? I didn't throw you one of my super-annoying high-energy welcome parties that I throw for literally everypony who moves here, or sometimes for ponies who have lived here for years, or sometimes just for no reason at all?"

I thought for a moment, then shook my head.

"Nope, that doesn't ring a bell. Don't take it personally, though." I gestured towards the pods. "To be perfectly honest, these ponies all kind of look the same except for the colors. It's hard to tell them apart sometimes."

The pink pony sighed, and her voice deepened noticeably.

"Well, I can't argue about that." There was a bright green flash, and she transformed. "Anyway, it doesn't matter. For it was actually me the whole time!"

>>392559
The creature now standing before me looked similar to the other bugs I'd seen, only much taller. Not counting her long, twisted horn, she stood almost at my height, her bulbous green eyes animated by an intelligence that I hadn't noticed in any of the others. A mane of translucent, webby hair drooped down over her face.

"So, you're the alien queen..."

She flashed me an evil smile, a long reptilian tongue darting out of her mouth and back in again.

"You may address me as Queen Chrysalis. I must say, it's a pleasure to finally meet you face to face. You've been a thorn in my carapace for some time... Rusty Shackleford."

Good, she doesn't know my real name, I thought. I can use that. Wait, how is that useful?

Queen Chrysalis went on, still smiling in an unpleasant way.

"Unfortunately for you, Mr. Rusty, your pathetic plan to infiltrate my hive never stood a chance. I'll admit, you caught me by surprise when you and your little friend stumbled across our... activities. However, since then I've kept a close eye on your every move. I could have ended the game much sooner, but you've been... fun. You and your friends. But I'm afraid that all your efforts were quite in vain."

I could hear hoofsteps and frightened voices in the tunnel behind her, growing closer. Queen Chrysalis moved aside, and one by one the foals of Cheerilee's class stepped into the cavern. A couple of the drone bugs, who apparently no longer felt the need to remain in disguise, brought up the rear, and herded them into a corner. The foals cowered, mewling and terrified, some of them staring wide-eyed at the glowing, translucent coccoons with ponies inside.

Finally, Sweetie Belle stumbled out of the tunnel, shoved roughly forward by the clones of her two friends.

"Put that one over there, with Rusty Shackleford," commanded Queen Chrysalis. Not-Scootaloo gave Sweetie Belle a rough shove, and she stumbled over to where I was standing. "Where are the others?"

Not-Apple-Bloom transformed back into bug-form with a bright green flash.

"They're coming, your Majesty," it rasped. "The big one is... slow."

We stood for an uncomfortably long time, listening to a lot of grunting and panting coming from the tunnel. Finally, Bill crawled into the cavern on his hands and knees, sweaty and covered with earth and grime. Behind him came a dissheveled Fluttershy, looking almost as terrified as the foals in the corner. The bug that was driving them hissed angrily, and they scrambled into place next to Sweetie Belle and myself. Bill, still on his hands and knees, looked up at me remorsefully.

"I'm sorry, Dale," he panted. "They... they got me pretty easy."

"Oh, that's okay Bill," I said. "I never had much faith in you anyway."

He smiled gratefully, apparently taking that as some kind of reassurance.

In the meantime, several more bugs had entered the cavern and were buzzing menacingly about, hissing and snarling, herding the four of us closer together. Chrysalis stood watching us with an aristocratic leer. The insect formerly known as Scootaloo alighted next to her.

"That's the last of them, your Majesty."

Queen Chrysalis turned to her underling.

"Were you seen by anypony on the outside?"

The creature shook its head. Chrysalis smiled.

"Good. From this point forward, we proceed with the original plan. Prepare the foals. As for these four... take them deeper into the lair, put them in a cell."

She turned to us with an evil, triumphant grin that made Fluttershy begin to whimper.

"I still haven't decided what I'm going to do with them."

>>392560
I hadn't been wrong when I compared these creatures to fireants. The pod-filled cavern turned out to be little more than the vestibule of a complex warren of tunnels that must have taken them months to dig. We were escorted through this neverending maze by two beefy-looking bug-ponies. They eventually led us to a cramped holding cell at the end of a long tunnel, shoved us inside, and slammed the grate shut.

"Maxilla!"

One of our escorts shouted down the tunnel. A smaller bug-pony emerged from the darkness, his flying slightly lopsided. He looked stunted and malnourished.

"Thir!"

"Queen Chrysalis wants all of us on deck for the infiltration. We need you to stay here and keep an eye on these prisoners."

"Thir yeth thir!"

The creature gave an enthusiastic salute, perhaps a bit too enthusiastic. It accidentally clonked its own head with its front hoof, almost knocking itself out of the air. The bug who had summoned it sighed heavily.

"Just try not to screw this up, okay Maxilla? It's a simple job. I had to pull a lot of strings to get you back into the horde after that last incident."

"THIR YETH THIR!!"

Maxilla saluted and nearly fell again, then alighted gracelessly on the floor. He began to march back and forth in front of our cell with a determined grimace on his face. The larger bug watched him for a moment or two, and then sighed again.

"Come on," he said resignedly to his companion. "We need to get back to the main invasion force."

"Are you sure your little brother can handle this?" the other one said in a low voice as they buzzed off down the corridor. "He's not exactly the brightest orb in the hive."

"I know," replied the first bug. "But who else is going to do it? Not me, I can tell you that much. Be stuck down here guarding the idiot brigade while everyone else is up there gorging themselves? Not a chance. Now come on, we need to hurry and join the invasion, or we'll both be on guard duty."

Their echoing voices faded away into the darkness. Maxilla continued to stomp back and forth in front of our cell. I grabbed the bars of the wooden grate that was blocking our exit and rattled them lightly. They moved a little easier than they probably should have.

Maxilla immediately turned and glared at me.

"HEY!" he shouted. "Youthe guythe better not be thinging about ethcaping!"

"Don't worry, we're not," I assured him. "I just wanted to make sure the bars were secure, that's all."

He narrowed his eyes at me suspiciously, and then resumed his pacing. I went to the back of the cell where the others were seated glumly on the floor.

"How's it look?" whispered Sweetie Belle.

"We're trapped in a poorly-built cell, under the supervision of one inept guard," I whispered back. "I won't lie, we're in a tough spot. But I've been in tougher."

I sat down next to her.

"I wonder when they're gonna feed us?" wondered Bill aloud, to nobody in particular. "Oh, wait a minute! I think I actually might still have some oats left."

He dug into his pocket, producing a glob of half-dried oatmeal that looked like it was at least forty percent pocket lint.

"Would you like some, Fluttershy? I don't mind sharing."

He pushed it under Fluttershy's nose, and she drew her head away.

"Oh, um, no thanks. You can have it."

"Suit yourself!"

He stuffed it into his mouth and began to chew noisily, picking bits of lint out of his teeth and tossing them to the floor of the cell. We all sat and watched him with a sort of morbid fascination. No matter how many times you've seen Bill D'aueterive eat, you never quite get used to it.

"Oh!" Fluttershy exclaimed sudddenly, nosing into the saddlebag she wore. "I did manage to pick this up before they captured us."

She came back up with a book in her mouth, and set it down on the floor.

"What is it?" asked Sweetie Belle.

"Oh, um, it's the Creatures of Equestria Compendium I loaned to Twilight. Luckily it was just lying on a table next to the door, so I found it right away."

"Wingo! I love compendia!"

I snatched it up and immediately began flipping through the pages.

"Um, I know they imprisoned us, and they're trying to take over Ponyville and all, but they're actually quite nice if you give them a chance," Fluttershy went on. "When I asked if I could take this book along so I'd have something to read, they were very understanding. I really hope we can get this whole silly mess cleared up soon, though. It's almost Angel Bunny's lunchtime, and he gets very upset if he doesn't get his salad."

"Where is Angel Bunny, anyway?" I asked.

"Oh, um, he ran away."

"Typical." I continued to flip through the pages of the book. "Hmmm..."

"What does it say?" Sweetie Belle stood with her front hooves on my leg, trying to peer over my forearm.

"...I can't read a word of it. It's in some ancient foreign language."

She strained her neck a little further, then glared up at me.

"You mean ordinary Ponish?"

"Yeah, that."

She rolled her eyes, and snatched the book out of my hands with her magic. She flipped through a few pages, then paused and looked back at me again.

"Hey, wait a minute. How were you reading the school newspaper earlier?"

"I... might have been faking it."

"What about Miss Cheerilee's lessons, then?"

"Also faking."

"So, when you were letting Scootaloo copy your notes in class..."

"Yeah, she was just copying gibberish."

Sweetie Belle sighed.

"Rarity's right, you really are a bad influence on us," she muttered. "Oh wait, here we go!"

>>392561
She set the open book down on the floor. We all gathered behind her and peered over her shoulder as she gestured at the illustration on the page. The creature definitely resembled the things we'd been fighting.

"It looks like they're called 'changelings,'" she said. "Here, listen:

"'Changelings are indig... indigenous to all regions of Equestria, though they prefer to nest underground and keep out of sight. Their magic and hive-mind power allows them to imitate the appearance of any creature that's been seen by any member of the hive, but while in that form they are sus... sus...'"

"Yeah, they're sus, go on..."

Sweetie Belle shot me an irritated look.

"'They are sussep... susceptible to that creature's weaknesses. They survive by feeding on love. While changeling hives can be very dangerous if left alone, they rarely harm ponies directly. Instead, they will capture unsuspecting ponies, placing them in high... burr... hibernation... and taking their place. They sye... they sye-phone love from friends and relatives for a period of several months to several years, consuming a portion and storing the rest.

"'When the hive has stored up enough food, the captives are released and the changeling drones return to the deepest part of the nest, filling in tunnels and destroying all trace of their presence on the surface. The hive then enters a dormant phase which lasts for two or more pony generations. Because of their stealth and the in... free... quen-see of their appearances above ground, changeling infiltrations will often go completely undetected. Victims of changeling attacks experience lost time and dis... orientation, the... seh-ver-ity... of which will vary depending on time spent in... stasis.'"

Sweetie Belle released her aura and the book closed. Fluttershy breathed a heavy sigh of relief.

"There, you see?" she said. "They're not so bad. All we have to do is wait, and eventually they'll leave on their own."

"Wait for years?!?" Sweetie Belle was incredulous. "While all of our friends are trapped in those gross cocoons?"

"Oh, well, um, maybe it won't be quite that long..."

I lit a stalk. Now that I finally had all the pieces, it was easy to see how it all fit together.

"Don't you guys understand?" I demanded. "The foals! That was their plan the whole time!"

Sweetie Belle got it first.

"So... they kidnap all the foals in town, and take their places..."

"Right! Then they can just feed off the love from their families for years, without anyone being any the wiser. These 'changelings' aren't the first race of aliens to try something like this. I've always suspected something similar about my son Joseph. I'd have given him back to the Zeta Reticulans years ago if I hadn't grown so danged attached to the little guy..."

"So, wait a minute," interjected Bill. "What about... uh... Twilight Sprinkles, an' Charity, an' Scrappy Doo, an' all them other cute little ponies whose names I don't remember?"

"Decoys. And to isolate the town. They needed Cheerilee because she was the schoolteacher, obviously. And the mayor, so the local government wouldn't be a problem."

"And Silver Spoon's parents work in Canterlot," added Sweetie Belle. "And Twilight writes letters to Princess Celestia... and Rarity and Applejack just got in the way I guess..."

She trailed off abruptly, looking at the entrance to the cell. We'd all been so engrossed in our conversation that we'd completely forgotten about Maxilla. He'd stopped his pacing, and was now pressing his face against the grate, glaring at us intently.

"HEY!" he shouted. "Are youthe guythe trying to ethcape?!?"

"No," said Sweetie Belle, doing her best to sound innocent.

"No," said Fluttershy.

"I'm actually pretty comfy in here," said Bill.

Maxilla's eyes narrowed.

"Youthe guythe can't fool me! Youthe guythe are plotting to ETHCAPE!!"

"Honest, we're not," Fluttershy assured him.

"Yeah," I added. "We're just distracting you so that they can escape!"

I pointed over his head, at the empty cell across the tunnel from us.

Maxilla's bug-eyes went even more bug-eyed. He wheeled around and galloped into the empty cell, grunting and hissing in frustration.

"NOOO!!" he shouted. "THEY ETHCAPED!! YOUTHE GUYTHE TRICKED ME!!!!"

"Yeah, we sure put one over on you, all right," I crowed. "By now, they're probably up on the surface, screwing up your whole invasion! You'll never catch them now!"

"THATH WHAT YOU THINK!!" he shouted. His wings buzzed as he took to the air. "YOUTHE GUYTHE WON'T GET AWAY FROM ME!!!"

The echoes of his voice faded into the distance as he shot off down the corridor, weaving drunkenly from side to side and cursing. Behind me, Fluttershy made a tut-tut noise in the back of her throat.

"That was mean," she chided.

I shrugged.

"Honestly, I didn't think it was going to work. Anyway, we should probably get out of here. Bill, you want to do the honors?"

The Billdozer threw his not-inconsiderable bulk against the grate, and after a brief strain it dislodged, clattering against the floor of the tunnel. We all stepped out into relative freedom.

"Come on!" I said. "I think I remember the way we came in. Sweetie Belle, Fluttershy, once we get back to that cavern, you two work on getting all the ponies out of those cocoons."

"Right," they said, nodding.

"And Bill, since you've got a lot of extra love that nobody else seems to want, your job will be to distract any changelings we run into. Now come on, we haven't got much time! S'go, s'go!"

Sorry, I know I was supposed to be releasing the text of this here before fimfic but I kind of got sidetracked. On the upside, however, the entire book is now finished and edited, so I am just going to dump the rest of it here in one go.

-----------------------------------

We returned to the cavern to find the pods undisturbed and unguarded. Fluttershy and Sweetie Belle immediately got to work tearing them open. They were filled with some kind of viscous, phosphorescent ooze that gave off a powerful cloying odor.

"Ugh, this stuff is disgusting!" muttered Sweetie Belle, covering her nose with her foreleg while her aura struggled to rip the membrane.

Fluttershy seemed a little more in her element.

"There, there," she cooed to the coughing, sputtering filly who tumbled out of the orb she'd torn open. "Everything is going to be just fine..."

I turned around and left them to their work.

"Keep at it," I said. "I'm going to go up the tunnel a little ways, make sure the coast is clear."

I got down on my hands and knees and crawled into the low tunnel that led back up to Twilight's tree. Before I'd gone far, I turned a corner and came face to face with Maxilla.

"Youthe guythe tricked me..."

"Yaagh..."

I backed slowly out the way I'd come. Maxilla advanced on me, matching my pace. His eyes were now glowing bright green.

As soon as I was out of the tunnel I sprang to my feet and ran in the opposite direction.

"Bill, grab him!" I shouted.

Before I'd gone two steps, I felt a faint electrical tingling around one of my ankles, and I fell flat on my face. I rolled onto my back just in time to see Maxilla finish transforming into Chrysalis.

Bill crashed into her from the side, throwing his big beefy arms around her neck and tackling her. Her concentration broke, and the beam around my ankle dissipated. Chrysalis gave out an angry hiss. I flipped over onto my stomach again and crawled across the cavern towards the orbs. Several of them had been torn open, and there were now several disoriented-looking foals looking about in confusion. I kept crawling forward.

"WAAAAH!!"

Bill cried out, and I looked up just in time to see him go sailing over my head, landing with a crash in a pile of cocoons. Behind me came another angry hiss. I kept scrambling forward as quickly as I was able.

Ahead of me, Fluttershy and Sweetie Belle were still tearing pods open as quickly as they could. I saw a purple leg floating in one at the bottom of the pile.

"That looks like Twilight," I muttered.

If I strained I could probably reach it, but something was pulling me back. I looked over my shoulder, and saw that Chrysalis had transformed into some kind of gigantic translucent bear. It had one of my ankles in its claw, and was dragging me towards it. I kicked it with my other leg, and its grip loosened just enough for me to free myself and scramble forward.

The bear roared and grabbed me again, but I could still reach the pod. I shoved my hand through the membrane, stretching my arm as far as it would go.

"Come on..."

At last I felt my hand wrap around something, and gave it a hard tug. Twilight's long, flexible, tentacle-like purple leg began to emerge from the cocoon, spikes and all. Wait; something wasn’t right.

I gave one final yank, and a baby dragon belched out through the tear in the cocoon, bringing a small tidal wave of viscous fluid along with it.

"Oh dammit, I grabbed Spike!”

Wait a minute, maybe I can use him after all. This trick worked once before…

I gave the claw holding my leg another sharp kick, and it released me again with an angry roar. Spike, meanwhile, was blinking and coughing, looking around in confusion.

"Wh... whuh... what's going on? Where am I, how did I get—WHOA!!!"

I yanked on his tail again, lifting him up in the air and swinging him around in a circle over my head.

"WAAAAAAAGH!!!"

I let him go, and he went sailing across the cavern. He went smack into the Chrysalis-bear's open mouth and stuck in her throat, just as she was about to roar again. The bear coughed and choked, trying to hack up Spike while he struggled to pull himself out.

"Shishishaw!"

I scrambled to my feet. For the moment, the bear had stopped paying attention to me while she was focused on trying to dislodge the struggling dragon. I looked around hurriedly. Fluttershy seemed to have gone catatonic at the sight of the bear, and had stopped opening orbs; I could see her in the corner, cowering along with the foals. Sweetie Belle was nowhere that I could see. I scanned the pods frantically, looking for somepony, anypony, that might be helpful.

"PPPHHHAAAAFFFT..."

I heard a loud cough behind me, and suddenly Spike, covered in bear-saliva, went sailing by and collided with the orb-pile. His flailing claws managed to tear one of them open, and a pony that looked like Applejack came tumbling out.

"Wh... what in the hay..."

"Sis!!"

Applebloom, still wet and sticky from her time in stasis, came galloping out from somewhere. She ran to her sister, followed by Scootaloo in a similar state, with Sweetie Belle right behind them.

>>395142
Meanwhile, the bear hacked and coughed a couple more times, and then there was a bright flash of green light as it transformed back into Queen Chrysalis. She advanced on us, her eyes glowing with cold, green fury.

"You..." she hissed. "You think you can win against me?!?" Her horn began to spark and glow. "For this transgression, I will seal you all in crystal coccoons, from which you'll never escape... it will be a thousand years or more before you again see the light of day... I will not allow my hive to be robbed of the love we need to survive..."

I kept backing away from her until I could feel myself brushing up against the membrane of a cocoon. Chrysalis’s horn crackled with some kind of terrible magic, and my entire body began to tingle with electricity as some kind of green crystal substance began to take shape around me. It was hard to move, and soon it was hard to breathe. Green fog closed in all around me...

Then there came a loud crack, like a mirror breaking, and the fog dispersed. Suddenly I could move again. Bill had his arms wrapped around Chrysalis's neck, and was nuzzling his face into her mane.

"Mmm, you sure are purdy," he said. "I bet you could turn into all sorts of purdy ladies for me..."

Chrysalis, alarmed, was struggling to free herself from his grasp, but it looked like she was weakening somehow.

"What... what is this...?!?" she muttered. "This love, it's... it's delicious! It's... love, but... tinged with so much sadness and shame and regret! It's been centuries since I've tasted delicacies like this... And there's so much of it..."

Her eyes were starting to glaze over. The angry aura surrounding her horn sputtered out, and was replaced with a dull green glow, that seemed to be somehow siphoning energy off of Bill. Bill giggled.

"Hmm-hmm, that tickles! Say, would you like to hear about what happened with me and my wife Lenore?"

"Oh... yes... yess, pleeeease..."

It was unsettling as all hell to watch, but… you can’t argue with results.

Fluttershy had meanwhile recovered herself, and was freeing the last of the foals. I punched my way into the nearest pod and began tearing it open, when I felt something sharp kick me in the shin. I looked down and saw Spike glaring up at me.

"Don't ever do that to me again," he growled. I shrugged.

"Sorry, it was kind of an emergency. Anyway, you're fine now, right? Why don't you help me with some of these pods, I think this one's got Twilight in it..."

==

Rarity and Applejack went up the tunnel first to scout ahead, followed by Cheerilee and the foals from her class. The Mayor and the Spoon family and a couple of other ponies I didn't recognize brought up the rear. The Cutie Mark Crusaders were making the rounds of the cavern, making sure there weren't any orbs that we'd missed. The entire cavern now stank with the sweet, cloying odor of the orb-fluid.

"...and that fifth time I thought Lenore really had come back, but it turned out she was just really drunk. She got kicked out of the bar I guess, and they took her keys away and called a cab for her, but she blacked out in the backseat and couldn't give the driver an address. Since she still had my address on her driver's license, they just dropped her off at my place, and then when she woke up she kinda had a freak out. I tried to give her a bowl of eggs, but she just stole my wallet and my keys and drove off in my truck. I still think she'll come back home eventually, but Hank made me cancel all my credit cards after she took 'em, so it's prob'ly pretty hard for her to buy gas and such..."

Bill was still chattering away, while Chrysalis lay on her back nearby, staring up at the ceiling with a glazed-over expression. Her abdomen had swollen to an alarming size.

"Uh, Bill?" I said. "That's probably enough."

Bill stopped talking, and looked down at the changeling queen. Her tongue lolled out of her mouth, a thin ribbon of drool running down her chin. A faint, pitiful croaking sound emanated from her throat. One of her legs twitched spasmodically.

"Ooh, that looks like insulin shock," said Bill. "I been there before. She's in for a wild ride..."

"Come on," I said. "We need to get out of here."

I glanced back to where Twilight and Spike were huddled in the corner. Twilight was scribbling out something onto a sheet of parchment, which she then rolled up and sealed.

"There!" she said. "Spike, hurry and send this to the Princess!"

Spike breathed green flames onto the scroll, and it disappeared. Twilight then turned to face the three foals who were trotting up to her.

"Is that everypony?"

Sweetie Belle nodded.

"Yeah, there aren't any more of the cocoon-things. And I'm pretty sure we've found everypony who was missing."

"Good." Twilight turned her attention to Queen Chrysalis, who was still lying comatose on the floor of the cavern. "Uh, what should we do about her?"

I walked over and nudged her with my foot. She groaned faintly, muttered something unintelligible, and went back to staring vacantly at the ceiling.

"I think she's eaten her fill of love for now," I said. "We should probably tie her up, though. Sweetie Belle, do you have any of that ribbon left?"

Sweetie Belle tied the queen's legs up with a neat little bow, and then we started up the tunnel. When we emerged into the library, we found everypony milling around, chatting anxiously.

"Twilight!" Applejack came trotting up as we came through the cellar door. "Y'all get everything wrapped up down there?"

Twilight nodded.

"Yeah."

>>395144
She climbed the little staircase to her sleeping loft, and came back down with a key floating in her aura. She went a little ways back into the cellar alcove, and I heard the door shut and the lock click.

"There," she said as she returned. "I locked the cellar just as a precaution. Queen Chrysalis won't be a problem, at least not for awhile..."

While they were talking, I wove my way through the crowded library and peered through one of the windows. Outside, it looked like a perfectly normal day in Ponyville, with ponies going about their business as if absolutely nothing was amiss. I felt tiny hooves digging into my shin, and looked down to see Sweetie Belle watching me anxiously.

"What's the matter, Mr. Rusty? Is anything wrong out there?"

"No.... I'm pretty sure all the changelings except the queen are out there in the town somewhere, but..."

"...but those things can change shape, right?"

Scootaloo came trotting up to join us, followed by Apple Bloom.

"What should we do, Mr. Rusty?"

"Well, we can't just stay in this library forever..."

I opened the door and stepped outside. It felt good to be out in the fresh air again, but it was far too early to relax. The three Crusaders trotted out after me, followed by Twilight, Spike, Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rarity.

"...the rest of y'all just stay in here until it's safe," Applejack was saying over her shoulder as she stepped through the door. "Big Mac, you'll keep an eye on things?"

"Eeyup," a deep voice said from inside the tree.

I lit an asparagus stalk and scanned the crowd. A few ponies were throwing curious glances in our direction, but apart from that they were just going about their normal business.

"How are we gonna know which ponies are changelings?" whispered Sweetie Belle.

"Sweetie Belle!" hissed Rarity sharply. "You and your friends get back in the library this instant!"

"Oh, come on!" Sweetie Belle protested. "We want to help!"

"Rarity's right," said Applejack. "This is too dangerous a game for fillies, ya'll should just get back inside and let us handle it."

"Well, y'all would still be trapped in them dang cocoons if it wasn't for us!" Apple Bloom complained.

By now, we were starting to attract a bit of attention. We must have looked pretty strange, standing around arguing outside the town library, and several ponies had stopped to stare at us. Apple Bloom and her sister were beginning to sound like they might actually start brawling, when Scootaloo suddenly cut them off.

"Look!" she cried, pointing. "It's... us!"

We all looked, and sure enough the "Cutie Mark Crusaders" had just rounded the corner. As soon as they saw their counterparts they froze in their tracks. The fake Apple Bloom uttered a curse, and then the three of them spun around and took off at a gallop.

"Grab those foals!" I shouted, much to the alarm of the townsponies, and sprang after them.

They scattered off in different directions, but I managed to pounce and grab fake-Scootaloo by the tail. I held her up in the air triumphantly as she struggled and cursed.

A small crowd of onlookers had gathered around, murmuring to each other as they watched us. A stallion stepped forward.

"Hey!" he barked at me. "What do you think you're doing to that filly?!?"

"Do not be alarmed, ponies!" I called out. "This filly... is an imposter! Observe!"

The crowd gasped as I punched Scootaloo in the face, three times, hard, in succession. After that, they all just stared at me in shocked silence.

"M... Mr. Rusty... why...?"

>>395145
Scootaloo looked at me with tears running down her face. She had a black eye, and it looked like I'd broken her nose. Blood was trickling out of one nostril. Suddenly, I didn't feel quite so sure of myself. I glanced over my shoulder, to where the other three Crusaders were standing with Twilight and the others, then back at the bleeding, crying filly I was holding.

"Uh, I did grab the right one, didn't I?"

The stallion took another step towards me, his expression grim.

"Alright, that's quite enough," he said. "You're in a lot of trouble, pal—"

"Mr. Rusty!" I heard the real Scootaloo's voice shouting behind me. "It's okay! Hit her again!"

I glanced hesitantly back and forth between the two Scootaloos and the approaching stallion.

"Mr. Rusty!" the Scootaloo behind me shouted again. "Oswald was framed!"

That was all I needed. I gave the Scootaloo in my hand another good, hard wallop. This time she hissed loudly, and then suddenly exploded into a burst of green light. When it faded, there was a changeling buzzing in the space where she'd been, struggling to free itself from my grasp.

A cry of alarm went up from the crowd. There was another burst of green light as a nearby mare transformed into a changeling, then another did the same. The stallion who had been advancing on me scowled, and then with a burst of light he transformed as well.

Pandemonium erupted. All around us, tiny bursts of green were going off like fireworks as changelings began appearing everywhere. The regular ponies were galloping off in every direction, shouting and screaming, as more ponies began to emerge from the nearby houses, peeking out their windows to see what all the commotion was.

Nearby, Twilight grabbed a couple of changelings in her aura and bonked their heads together, and they both fell unconscious to the ground. A third changeling was chasing Spike around, while Applejack bucked at a swarm of them buzzing around her. I saw a Sweetie Belle with green, glowing eyes go running past me, with a second one charging after her. Her big sister, meanwhile, seemed to be having some kind of a conniption, breaking down into hysterics.

Fluttershy, who had immediately taken refuge under a nearby water trough as soon as the fighting broke out, caught sight of something and poked her head out.

"Oh, my! Look!"

Several of us turned in the direction she was pointing. Further up the road, a cloud of dust was rising into the air. I could feel the ground trembling slightly beneath my feet. Then, from out of the dust, there burst a huge herd of stampeding rabbits, led by a single white one with a determined look on his face.

"It's Angel Bunny!" I cried. "And he brought reinforcements!"

One of the changelings dropped to the ground, directly in the path of the stampeding bunnies. There was a flash of green light, and the changeling transformed into an enormous hawk. It spread its wings and cawed.

The bunnies all came to a dead stop. They looked at each other uncertainly for a moment, and then back at the hawk. It cawed and flapped its wings again. Abruptly, the bunnies all turned around and scampered off the way they'd come.

"Oh wait, never mind."

Meanwhile, Sweetie Belle had caught her double, and had her pinned against the ground. She raised her front hoof in the air, and brought it down on the doppelganger's nose. It hissed angrily back at her.

"That's for Rarity!" shouted Sweetie Belle. She raised her hoof and brought it down, again and again. "And this one's for Scootaloo! And Apple Bloom! And Twilight! And Applejack..."

By now the doppelganger had turned back into its changeling form. Its face looked pulpy and swollen, and green blood was oozing out of its nose.

"Please... stop..." it hissed pathetically. Sweetie Belle was having none of it, however.

"...and Miss Cheerilee," she shouted. "And Silver Spoon's parents! And Silver Spoon, even though I don't like her very much..."

Sweetie Belle continued to rain down blow after blow upon the helpless creature, oblivious to its cries for mercy. While she was thus occupied, three more changelings landed and began to creep up on her. I scooped up a fistful of sand from the road, and stepped in front of them. They gave me a menacing hiss.

"Stay back," I said. "That's my little pony."

The three changelings hissed again, and crouched as though they were about to spring. I readied my hand to throw. Then, suddenly—

"Stop where you are!!"

A deep, booming, authoritative voice came from somewhere above us. The shadows of hundreds of ponies appeared suddenly all across the ground. I looked up to see a huge swarm of pegasi descending from the heavens above. They were all armored like Roman centurions, and wore nasty-looking bladed shoes on their hooves.

>>395146
All around us, the changelings stopped whatever they were doing and broke into a mad panic. They scattered away in every direction, some of them transforming into any shape they could think of, as the huge army of pegasi swooped down in pursuit. Some kind of large airship or flying saucer was floating down out of the sky, silhouetted against the sun. A moment later I saw that it was a chariot, drawn by two of the armored pegasi. In it sat the largest and most terrifying horse I'd yet seen since first I arrived on this distant planet.

"All changelings are hereby ordered to surrender!" the gleaming white-winged unicorn proclaimed in a booming voice, her translucent pastel mane streaming behind her. "By order of Princess Celestia!"
[hr]
A few hours later I sat alone at the top of a hill near the school. The town spread out below me was still noisy, but most of the chaos seemed to have died down. A few of the armored pegasus guards were still darting about here and there, restoring order and chasing down whatever changelings they could find. I had completely lost track of Bill, Twilight, and all the others, but at the moment I was too exhausted to care. All I wanted was a rest and a smoke.

I ground out my asparagus stalk on a nearby rock, and put another one in my mouth. It was late afternoon, and the sun was starting to dip down below the mountains. In the distance I could see the outline of what looked like a far-off castle. It was the first time I'd ever noticed it. I'd been on this planet for almost two weeks, but there was still so much about it that I didn't know.

"Oh, there you are, Mr. Rusty."

I turned around and saw a little marshmallow-colored foal trudging up the hillside.

"Sweetie Belle."

She made it to the top and plopped down in the grass next to me. I lit my asparagus and took a long drag. She watched me for a time.

"Um... can I try one of those?"

I looked at her.

"They'll stunt your growth."

"That's okay. I'm not worried."

I shrugged, and then passed her a stalk. She put it between her lips, and I held up my lighter and singed the tip. She puffed on it a couple of times, making a strange face.

"Well?" I asked. "How is it?"

"It tastes like... burned asparagus."

We sat in silence for a time, puffing on our smokes. Ahead of us, the sun continued its descent behind the mountains. The air around us was getting cooler. In the thicket off to one side, the first evening cricket began to chirp. A moment later, another one took up the song. The sky over Planet Equestria changed slowly from red to orange to purple, until the first alien star of the night began to twinkle.

"Mr. Rusty?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't think I like this very much."

"That's okay. It's a bad habit anyway."

I took the asparagus stalk out of her mouth, ground it against the rock, and threw it off into the thicket. Then I took a long puff off of mine.

"Yep."

"Yep."

=

Gribble's Log
Day 17
Location: Golden Oak Library

What I originally mistook for invaders from outer space turned out to be a race of tunnel-dwelling shapeshifters native to this world. Since the battle, the town has been under the occupation of Celestia's forces, though the Princess herself appears to have returned to her castle in the mountains. We are assured that this is merely a precautionary measure, and that control will be returned to Ponyville's Mayor as soon as the identity of all ponies can be confirmed. As a person who has spent his life under CIA surveillance, I have my doubts.

The changelings themselves appear to have mostly fled. A few of them were captured and taken to Celestia's dungeon, most likely for interrogation and/or dissection, but the majority seem to have escaped into the Everfree Forest. According to Fluttershy's book, these creatures can't survive long on the surface without a source of love to feed on, and are thus unlikely to pose further threat.

The fate of Queen Chrysalis herself remains a mystery. Celestia's soldiers performed a thorough search of the cellar of the Golden Oak Library, but could find no trace of the tunnel. Digging a few feet below ground in the spot where it had been yielded no results; it has been filled in as surely as if it had never existed.

So, it would seem that all is well that ends well. The good news of this outcome is that the changeling situation has been resolved, and I have learned to stop worrying and trust the little ponies. The bad news, however, is that I am still marooned on an alien planet with no means of returning home. I am pretty much back to square one.

Sgt. Bill D'auterive has been of regrettably little help. Since the battle, he has spent the majority of his time frolicking about Ponyville and/or stuffing himself with sweets at Sugar Cube Corner. He continues to develop a creepy attachment to Fluttershy, and shows no interest in helping me find a way home.
[hr]
"Mr. Rusty? Are you down there?"

I heard Twilight's voice calling me from the top of the stairs.
"I'll be right up!"

I quickly finished writing and shoved my new journal back into its hiding place, behind the small writing desk in the corner of the cellar. Twilight had been kind enough to give me a stack of parchment sheets to use, although technically I was supposed to be using them for...

Ah, crap. I forgot.

I was supposed to be down here writing a letter to Princess Celestia about friendship. Apparently, even though I just saved the entire town from destruction, that hadn't been quite enough justification for Twilight to un-ground me.

Oh, what the hell, I guess I can just B.S. something. The ponies can't read my language anyway.

I grabbed a sheet of parchment off of the stack and hastily scribbled something, then went upstairs.

I found Twilight Sparkle lying on the floor of the main room of the library, engrossed in some books that were spread open in front of her. She looked up when I stepped through the alcove.

>>395147
"Oh good, Mr. Rusty, there you are. Did you finish that letter to the Princess?"

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I did."

She took the parchment out of my hand in her horn aura and skimmed it quickly. She frowned, and began reading aloud:

"'Dear Princess Celestia: My name is Rusty Shackleford, and I can produce several convincing documents that will attest to this fact. I come from a small, completely unremarkable planet that is nowhere near the Milky Way Galaxy and is of no strategic value. Our planet produces neither oats nor hay, and is currently experiencing a severe sugarcube shortage. Horses would hate it there. Sincerely, Rusty Shackleford.'"

I shifted uncomfortably on my feet.

"I... uh... thought you couldn't read my language..."

Twilight broke into a wide grin.

"I figured it out last night. Deciphering languages is kind of a hobby of mine. When I was a filly, I once translated the complete apocrypha to Star Swirl's Arcana from the original Old Ponish in one weekend. It was raining, and I was bored." She held up a soggy notebook in her aura. "Your language is a little tricky, but I was able to figure it out pretty easily thanks to this!"

"My old log! I thought it was gone forever! Where did you get this?!?"

"Applejack found it in the woods near her farm. You can have it back, I'm done copying it."

I snatched it out of her aura and thumbed through the pages. It was soaked through and covered in mud, but the writing appeared to have mostly survived. I glared at Twilight, who was still smiling brightly.

"You win this round, Sparkle."

"Um... okay, thanks!" She returned her attention to my letter. "By the way, there's nothing about friendship in here. You should probably rewrite this."

She passed the letter back to me. I knelt down on the floor and hastily scribbled an addendum, then gave it back. She held it up again and read it out loud:

"'PS: Friendship is like an ointment when you've been stung by fifty bees.'" Twilight sighed heavily. "This is the best I'm going to get out of you, isn't it?"

"'Fraid so."

"Alright. I guess it's better than nothing. I'll have Spike send it later when he gets home."

"So I'm not grounded anymore?"

"No, I suppose you've learned your lesson. Actually, I forgot why I even grounded you in the first place."

"Because I thought Silver Spoon was a robot, so I jumped her and stole her glasses."

"Oh. Right. Well, try not to assault any more school fillies going forward."

"No promises."

I headed for the front door.

"Wait!" she called. "That isn't the only reason I called you up here. I've been working on your problem, and I think I might have figured out a way to send you back to your own world."

"Really?" I paused with my hand on the knob.

"Yeah, it's something I've been working on for the last few days. Well, actually, I've been working on it for awhile, I was working on it before the changelings—well, I guess it's easier if I just show you. Get your friend Bill, and meet me in the meadow where you first entered Equestria."
[hr]
"Alright, so. It looks like we have everypony here. Every... er... eh. Well, whatever. Point is, we're all here."

I stood in the meadow, puffing an asparagus and listening to Twilight's awkward preamble. Next to me, Bill was eating a carrot-dog and scratching his gut. Some of the ponies had come along to see us off: Fluttershy and the Crusaders were there, along with Applejack and a few others.

"So anyway," Twilight continued, "I've been doing some research on portals ever since Mr. Rusty's arrival. The mirror that the two of you came through seems to be one side of a stable tunnel that links your world with Equestria. The other side is probably an identical mirror somewhere in this world. I've heard rumors of mirrors like this existing, but they're extremely rare artifacts. It's actually pretty amazing that you found one, actually. Anyway, the mirrors are usually built in pairs, with one mirror in each of the linked worlds. However, in this case it seems like the one on our side is inactive, or possibly destroyed. So, you exited the tunnel through this mirror instead."

"So does that mean there's no way for us to get back?" Bill sounded hopeful.

"Well, normally, yes. However, due to the amount of magic that was expended transporting both of you here, there is quite a bit of magical residue still lingering around in this area. Residue which has trace amounts of the magic from your world in it. Naturally, it will dissipate sooner or later, but for now, if properly energized and stabilized, it can be used to temporarily reopen the portal that brought you here. Observe!"

Her horn began to glow purple, then yellow, then finally bright white. The wind began to stir, leaves and bits of grass swirling around us.

>>395148
Gradually, a spot in the air in front of her began to sparkle. Twilight screwed up her face in concentration, straining with effort, until the spot gradually widened, transforming an entire section of air into an oval of crackling television static. Everyone gasped.

Twilight turned to us triumphantly.

"There," she said, panting a little with exertion but clearly proud of herself. "Now, in order for this to work, the temporary portal needs to be stabilized from the other side. Luckily, I was able to make contact with someone in your world who seems to have some knowledge of basic magic."

She turned back to the oval of static and called out: "Ward! We're ready for you now!"

The portal sparkled and crackled. A flickering image behind the static became clearer and clearer, like someone was moving the rabbit-ears of the TV to try and find a signal. Finally, the static cleared, revealing a room I recognized as the Rackleys' basement. Gazing back at us from the other side was a gangly-looking guy, maybe twenty-five years old, with long hair and thick black glasses, wearing some kind of druid's robe.

"Success!" the man cried, raising an exultant fist. "Let all ye who doubted my power gaze upon my works and despair! Behold, my minions! For I have opened a portal to the Land of the Unicorns!"

"Well, technically I opened it," corrected Twilight, looking somewhat annoyed. "But, you boys certainly did your part, so... thank you."

However, Ward didn't seem to have heard her. He was still crowing about the "triumph of his great work" as a small group of even dorkier-looking guys wearing the same kind of robe crowded around him, staring at the portal with astonishment.

"Holy crap, Ward," said one of them. "I can't believe it actually worked."

"Yeah," said another, "This is incredible. I mean, naturally we never doubted your power for a second, but—"

Abruptly, a man in a black t-shirt pushed his way past the throng of robed dweebs.

"Man, dang ol' lookit this, man, you dang ol' boys just chantin' a little o'that ol' 'bubble bubble, toil and trouble,' then just lookit that man, dang ol mirror mirror on the wall, man, like you got a little ol' talkin' horsie in there and everything, like... I'm dang ol' impressed, man."

I only knew one man capable of improvising such beautiful poetry in a moment like this.

"Boomhauer!" I cried.

"Man, dang ol' Gribble, is that you man?"

Several more nerds were shoved aside by a square-headed man wearing glasses and a work shirt.

"Yeah, alright," said the newcomer irritably. "You guys got some kinda trick mirror down here, very nice. Are we just about done with this nonsense?"

"Hank! Ohmahgawd it's Hank! Over here Hank!" shouted Bill, waving his arms excitedly. "Oh, you gotta come see this place! There's all these cute little ponies, and—"

"SILENCE! THE ALMIGHTY MANOLGAR CALLS FOR SILENCE!" Ward Rackley's shrill voice cried out. The image in the portal had warped, and was beginning to flicker into static again.

"He's right," said Twilight quickly. Her horn flared, sending a rapid infusion of magical energy into the portal, which seemed to strengthen it. She turned to Bill and I again. "I know you two must be excited to see your friends, but I need you to calm down. Strong emotions will affect which direction the energy flows through the vortex. Ward, I don't think I can hold this open much longer, we need to get this done quickly!"

"Resplendent," said Ward. "Begin the incantations, my brothers! The hour of witching is at hand!"

Ward's gang of nerds had formed a circle around the perimeter of the basement. They were now holding candles and chanting in a language that sounded like half-Latin, half-Klingon. One of them was performing some kind of weird interpretive dance, waving a smoking censer around.

"Okay, well, that's not really—well, okay... I guess if you guys want to chant like that it won't hurt anything," said Twilight. "Anyway, Ward, have their friends stand as close to the mirror as possible without touching it. We need them to serve as a draw."

"I bid the companions come forward!" cried Ward, with a theatrical gesture. Boomhauer and Hank stepped up to the mirror. Hank sighed.

"Is your little magic show just about finished?" he demanded. "I'm missing half a day of work for this."

Ward ignored him, focusing his attention on the unicorn in the mirror.

"Okay, good," said Twilight. "Now, tell them to call for their friends."

"The two of you must now call them forth!" cried Ward to Hank and Boomhauer. "Your voices shall be a beacon in the dark, to guide home thy wayward companions from the realm of faerie into which they have strayed!"

Hank sighed and rubbed his temples.

"Look, I don't know what in the hell this is all about, but Dale, Bill, wherever the two of you are hiding, just come out so we can hurry and get the hell outta here."

"More emotion," said Twilight.

"Let thy anger burst forth!" said Ward.

"Gladly," snapped Hank. He jabbed a finger at the mirror. "Dale, Bill, you two idiots have done some danged stupid things over the years, but this just tears it! Everyone's been worried sick about you, and here you are just hiding out in this jackass's basement behind some stupid phony mirror and making me miss work! Right in the middle of Grillstravaganza, too! If you two don't get out here right now, I'm gonna kick both your asses, I tell ya what!"

"Resplendent! Let the hate flow through you..."

Hank glared irritably at Ward.

"And if you don't get out here quick, I'm gonna warm my foot up kickin' this guy's ass..."

The portal had opened much wider now. The wind was whipping around us like a miniature hurricane. With each angry word from Hank, I could feel a force beginning to draw me irresistibly towards the aperture. I took a step. Then another.

I felt something pawing insistently at the back of my leg.

"Mr. Rusty? Do you really have to go?"

>>395149
I turned to see the three Crusaders staring up at me with their big round eyes. Something stabbed me in the heart. Probably something I ate.

"Yeah, 'fraid so," I said, kneeling down. "My planet needs me. Plus, my family is probably wondering where I've been for the last two weeks."

The three of them crowded in for a hug.

"Promise you won't forget us, okay Mr. Rusty?" said Sweetie Belle.

Something was making my eyes water. Probably my damn allergies; of all the times for them to start acting up. I patted her on the head.

"Unless the government erases my memory, nothing could make me forget you three."

I stood up. The portal had become a gaping vortex, tugging at me like the gravity from a black hole. Nearby, Bill was clinging to Fluttershy and sobbing like a baby.

"Pleeeeease come back to Earth with me! I promise you'll like it there, there's all sorts'a critters and whatnot there you can care for, 'fact there's a whole family of mice livin' under my sofa. You like mice, right...?"

Fluttershy looked more and more uncomfortable the longer this went on.

"Um, okay, there there, it's alright..."

She patted the back of his head gently with her fetlock, all the while attempting to wriggle out of his grasp. Finally she succeeded, and with a powerful flap of her wings she leapt across the meadow in a graceful arc. When she alighted a safe distance away, hiding behind Applejack, she turned and waved.

"Um, okay, goodbye," she called. "It was... nice seeing you!"

Bill let out one long sob, that sounded like the last bit of air being squeezed out of a camping mattress.

Twilight's horn glowed with an almost blinding light, crackling and sparking like a Tesla coil. It looked like she was using most of her strength just to keep the portal open.

"Alright now, y'all have said your goodbyes," said Applejack, stepping towards us. "Time to get goin', I don't think Twilight can hold this thing open too much longer."

On the other side of the portal, Hank was still going on and on about kicking our asses, getting angrier and angrier as he went. The pull from the vortex was intense now. I put one foot in front of the other, drawing closer... closer...

"I DON'T WANNA GO!!"

Immediately following Bill's anguished outburst was a sound like a thunderclap. The force that had been pulling us towards the portal suddenly reversed course and threw us violently backward. In the split second I spent flying through the air I could see Hank and Boomhauer being yanked in after us. Then we all collapsed into a heap on the other side of the meadow.

"Dang it Bill, you giblet-head!" Hank was yelling as he pulled himself to his feet. "Just what in the hell did you do? Where in the hell are we? I oughta kick your—"

Twilight Sparkle stood up unsteadily, rubbing her head with her front hoof and shaking the dust out of her mane. The portal was gone.

"Well, that could have gone a lot better," she muttered.

She gave her head one final shake. Hank had meanwhile gone completely silent, cutting himself off mid-sentence as he was yelling at Bill. He stared at the approaching unicorn with an expression of shock and horror, capable only of making a low warbling sound in the back of his throat.

Twilight smiled awkwardly and extended her hoof.

"Sorry about that," she said. "This was a minor setback, but I'm sure we can get it sorted out. Anyway, my name is Twilight Sparkle, and I would like to formally welcome the two of you to the land of Equest—"

[size=4em]"BWAAAAAAAH!!!"[/size]



Gribble's Log
Day 19
Golden Oak Library

Thanks to Bill, it would seem that he, Hank, Boomhauer and I are now marooned indefinitely on the planet of the horses. Twilight Sparkle has today informed us that the last of the residual magic in the meadow was used up in her attempt to reopen the portal. She no longer has any way that she knows of sending us home. Her letters to the Princess on the subject have thus far gone unanswered.

Despite the Princesses' (alleged) power of being able to move the heavenly bodies, somehow this planet does not seem to have unlocked the secret of advanced space travel. While this has thrown something of a monkey wrench into my plans of escaping by spacecraft, it also means I no longer need worry about a pony invasion of my homeworld.

I have chosen to accept my fate with quiet dignity. And so, I shall while away the rest of my days at Sugar Cube Corner and the schoolhouse and the apple orchard, frolicking amongst the horse-people and learning their ways.

While it pains me that I must finally say goodbye to my beloved wife and son, I can at least take comfort in knowing that my good friend John Redcorn will be there to look after them. Perhaps, one day, he will even come to love them as his own.
[hr]
I slid my journal back into its hiding place, yawned, and stood up. My stomach was grumbling, and it smelled like there was something cooking upstairs.

I found Spike in the kitchen. He was standing on a little stepladder in front of the stove, stirring a pot of celery soup. My stomach grumbled again.

"Oh, hey there Mr. Rusty. Soup's not quite ready yet."

"Where's Twilight?"

"Out shopping. She said something about the Princess coming by later, I'm not sure when. As soon as she gets back we'll have dinner."

"'kay. I'm probably gonna step out for a bit myself."

"Alright. Don't be gone too long."

"I won't."

I grabbed a few cans off the counter and headed out the front door.

Outside, it was a crisp, clear afternoon in Ponyville. A couple of mares nodded cheerfully to me as they trotted by. It was amazing that this town could be so carefree after everything that had happened just a few short days ago, but these creatures were surprisingly resilient.

There is much we humans can learn from the humble talking equine...

Down the road a ways, standing by a low fence, I found Hank, Bill and Boomhauer. I passed a can to each of them and cracked open the last one one for myself.

>>395150
"Yep," I said.

"Yep," replied Bill, opening his can.

Bill looked pretty bright and chipper these days. He hadn't lost any weight despite being on an all-vegetable diet for nearly a month, but even so, he looked like his time in Ponyville had done him some good.

Boomhauer opened his can and took a sip.

"Mmm hmm."

Hank was silent. We all looked at him expectantly. He looked back at us for a moment, then sighed heavily. Poor Hank. He was really having a tough time with all of this.

"Come on, Hank, have a drink," I told him. "It'll make you feel better."

He sighed again, cracked open his can, and took a sip. He made a face and shuddered.

"What is this stuff?"

"Carrot juice."

Hank shuddered again.

There was a commotion further up the road. Several ponies moved out of the way of an approaching dust cloud. For a moment I thought the bunnies were stampeding again, but then I saw a little pegasus filly beating her wings like a hummingbird, propelling herself forward on a scooter. She skidded to a stop in front of us with an enthusiastic wave.

"Hi, Mr. Rusty! Me and the girls are meeting up at the clubhouse later to search for our cutie marks! Want to join us?"

"You bet! I got dinner at Twilight's first, but after that I'll come right over!"

"'kay. We've got a lot of stuff we want to try, so we'll probably be out at least until sundown. Later, if Applejack says it's okay." She glanced at the others, and added: "You guys can come too, if you want."

Hank grimaced.

"Uh... 'cutie marks'?"

"Yeah, Hank, it's great!" I said. "On this planet, as soon as you find out what you're best at, a little picture of it magically appears on your butt! I bet you could get a cutie mark for selling propane if you gave it a shot."

Hank gave me a dangerous, level stare.

"Dale, I've been pretty understanding about... uh... all this. But don't you ever use the words 'propane' and 'cutie mark' in the same sentence again."

Boomhauer shook his head and chuckled.

"Man, these dang little ol' talkin' horsies with their little ol' butt tattoos, man, dang ol' ridin' around on them little ol' scooters, flappin' them little ol' horsie wings, dang ol' what a time to be alive, man."

"Well, be that as it may Boomhauer, you know I don't joke around when it comes to propane." Hank took a sip of his juice, grimaced, and then glanced uncomfortably at Scootaloo. "Yep."

Scootaloo looked back and forth between us, a slightly confused look on her face. Then, she just shrugged and smiled.

"Well, okay Mr. Rusty, I guess I'll see you later!" She gave us all a wave, then took off on her scooter again. We watched her trail of dust fade away into the distance.

Bill tittered.

"That Scootaloo, she's such a little scamp. I'm thinkin' me an' Fluttershy might adopt her. You know, after we get married an' all."

Boomhauer clapped him on the back.

"Man, D'auterive, look at you, tyin' that dang ol' knot, man! I dang ol' never thought I'd see the day! Lemme give you them dang ol', you know, congratulations man, and you know, you ever need someone, you know, be your dang ol' best man and all, just... dang ol' say the word, man."

Hank sighed.

"Bill, you are not marrying 'Fluttershy.'"

Bill looked rather indignant.

"Are you suggesting the two of us live in sin, Hank?"

"Yeah, Hank," I chimed in. "You want them living in sin?"

Hank sighed again, rubbing his temples with his free hand. That vein in his neck was starting to throb.

"Shut up, Dale."
[hr]
By the time I got back from the clubhouse, it was well after dark. I pushed open the door to the library and to my surprise found everyone sitting around inside. Hank and Twilight appeared to be deep in conversation.

"...so you're saying it's both clean-burning and efficient?" Twilight inquired.

"Yep," replied Hank. "Just one gallon of propane produces about ninety-one-thousand BTUs of heating and cooking power. Burns a lot cleaner than charcoal, too, I tell ya what. It was first synthesized in 1857 by a scientist named Marcellin Berthelot. Now, I should inform you that he was French, but... don't let that give you the wrong idea. Propane is a clean burning and reliable source of fuel, I tell ya what, and I can offer you my personal guarantee that it will meet all your heating and energy needs."

Twilight rubbed a fetlock under her chin.

"Hmm... well, I'm not sure what 'French' means, but this 'propane' of yours sounds very interesting, Mr. Hank. I'd really like to study it further."

Hank wasn't exactly smiling, but he did have that gleam in his eye that he always gets when he talks about propane. I took that as a good sign. He still looked pretty uncomfortable, but then again, for Hank, it would be weird if he didn't look uncomfortable. But I think I could honestly say that this was the least uncomfortable I'd seen him since coming through the portal.

"Well, uh, if I'd known I'd be coming... uh... here... I'd have brought some brochures with me. I usually keep some in my jacket, but I left it in m'truck... suppose that was a bit unprofessional of me..." he trailed off, scratching the back of his neck.

Twilight suddenly noticed me standing there.

"Oh, Mr. Rusty, you're back. Good; you're the last one I need. I finally got a reply from Princess Celestia. She wants to meet you." She glanced back at Bill and Boomhauer. "Well, she wants to meet all of you, actually, but she especially wants to meet you, Mr. Rusty. She's on her way over right now. I put together a vegetable tray for the occasion."

She gestured toward an elaborate spread of produce, that looked like it had been arranged alphabetically and then sorted by color. It didn't look like anyone had touched it so far. I grabbed a piece of celery to be polite.

There came a knock at the door.

"Oh, that's probably her," said Twilight, leaping to her hooves and trotting quickly to the door. "Mr. Hank, I guess we'll have to continue our discussion about propane some other time."

>>395151
Hank looked disappointed.

She opened the door, and then bowed her head as an impressively large, elegant, winged unicorn took a graceful step into the library. This was the first time I'd ever seen the Princess up close. She had a long, flowing pastel-colored mane that seemed to glow on its own, enormous white wings, and a coat so white it almost lit up the room on its own. She looked like some kind of beautiful hybrid between a unicorn and a swan. A uniswan, perhaps.

"Princess Celestia," said Twilight, kneeling respectfully.

"Greetings, Twilight," said Celestia, with a smile and a graceful nod. "I apologize for not answering your letters sooner. Things have been rather hectic around Canterlot since the changeling incident, as I'm sure you can understand."

"Of course, Princess. Oh! Here are the strange creatures you wanted to meet—"

"Your Majesty!" I cut in, bowing. "On behalf of Planet Earth, we extend our thanks for your gracious hospitality, as well as the consideration you have shown us by not having us dissected or frozen in carbonite."

Princess Celestia looked somewhat taken aback.

"Er... yes, thank you."

"And might I say that you are looking most radiant this evening! Your student Twilight Sparkle told me that you are over a thousand years old, but if you ask me, you don't look a day over nine hundred! As a matter of fact, she also told me that, since you really seem to enjoy cake—"

"Okaaaaaaay, thank you very much, Mr. Rusty!" Twilight shoved me roughly to the side, grinning like a maniac. Sweat was breaking out on her forehead.

Celestia smiled.

"Shall I assume, then, that this is the Rusty Shackleford I've heard so much about?"

"Affirmative, my liege!" I bowed again. "I am Rusty Shackleford, and that is my full and legal name. In the event that a tracking chip is ever implanted into the base of my spine, please record my identity as such."

"I... see," said Celestia. She turned to the others. "And who might all of you be?"

Bill immediately sprang to attention and saluted.

"D'auterive, comma. William Fontaine De La Toure, comma. Sergeant Barber, comma, United States Army, comma—"

"Shut up, Bill." Hank cut him off and stepped forward. "Uh, ma'am, I apologize for my two idiot friends, Sgt. D'auterive, and... uh... 'Mr. Shackleford'. I'm Hank Hill, Strickland Propane."

He extended his hand, but the Princess didn't seem to understand the gesture. After several awkward seconds, he retracted it. Celestia cleared her throat, and turned to the last member of our group.

"And, eh... you are?"

Boomhauer glanced up from the copy of the Foal Free Press he was thumbing through.

"Yo. Dang ol' Boomhauer, man."

He returned his attention to the newspaper.

"I see." The Princess cleared her throat again. "So, we have... Rusty Shackleford, Sergeant D'auterive, Hank Hill Strickland Propane, and... er... Dangle Boomhauer Man. Your people have such... interesting names! I am Princess Celestia. I am delighted to meet you all, and bid you welcome to my land of Equestria."

She turned to me.

"Rusty Shackleford, I also wish to extend my heartfelt thanks to you. Without your help, we would not have learned of the changeling infiltration in Ponyville until it was far too late. The Equestrian crown owes you a debt. If there is anything we can do for you, please do not hesitate to ask."

"You flatter me, O Mighty Horse Emperor," I said. "For dealing with infestations is all in a day's work for a licensed professional exterminator-slash-bounty hunter. All I ask is that, as your mighty Empire expands inevitably outward into the stars, you will please spare our humble Earth from colonization."

Celestia shot a puzzled glance at Twilight, who could only shrug helplessly.

"Shut the hell up, Dale," Hank hissed at me through clenched teeth.

"Rusty," I corrected.

He sighed.

"Rusty." He approached the Princess. "Look, your... uhh... highness... we appreciate the hospitality and all, but... all we really want is to go back home. To Texas. America."

Celestia smiled warmly.

"Yes, of course. I had rather imagined that you would. And that brings us to the other purpose of my visit." She turned and fixed Twilight with a stern gaze. "Twilight. You should not have attempted such a complicated spell without consulting me first."

Twilight bowed her head.

"I'm sorry, Princess..."

"Yes, well, fortunately no one was hurt. In any case, I think I have a solution. Your research was correct, Twilight, the mirror described by Rusty Shackleford and his friends is indeed paired with an identical mirror here in Equestria. There are rumored to be several still in existence. I believe that I have located the one we need in storage at Canterlot Castle."

Twilight looked up, and her ear gave a hopeful twitch.

"You mean, I didn't screw up? There's a way to send them all back home after all?"

"Yes. And that is why I wish to give you all these."

Her horn ignited, and she floated to each of us in turn an elegantly printed ticket.

"These tickets are your admission to a special banquet, which is to be held in Canterlot in your honor," she explained. "All of your friends from Ponyville are invited to attend as well. This celebration is the least we can do, as thanks for your bravery in helping to subdue the changeling threat. And, when the festivities conclude, we should be able to finally send you home."

"Wingo!" I exclaimed, grabbing my ticket. "I'm finally going to Canterlot!"

Princess Celestia smiled graciously, bowed to us, and then turned her attention back to Twilight.

>>395152
"And now, my student, I must take my leave. I trust I will have your letter on what these experiences have taught you about the Magic of Friendship on my desk by the time I get back."

"O-of course, Princess! I'll have Spike send it off immediately!"

The Princess smiled again, turned, and departed. As soon as she was through the door, she spread her majestic wings and took off into the air. We watched her go, a bright streak of pastel against the moonlit sky.

I felt something jab me in the ribs, and turned to see Hank fixing me with a stern look.

"Whatever happens," he said softly through clenched teeth, "My son does not find out about this place."



We arrived in Canterlot by train just as the sun was going down. Me, Hank, Bill and Boomhauer rode in a car with Twilight and Applejack. Fluttershy and Rarity, along with the Crusaders and a couple more of Twilight's friends, were in the car behind us. We were all decked out in special outfits that Rarity had been nice enough to create for us; all except for Hank, who refused to get undressed to have his measurements taken. She actually made a pretty good approximation of the tuxedo I wore to my high school prom. Boomhauer looked fantastic as usual, and Bill had even bathed for the occasion.

The city greeted us with a heroes' welcome. From the station to the castle, the streets were lined with ponies cheering and throwing ticker-tape and flowers in our path. Apparently news had spread far and wide of our victory against the changeling horde, and everypony in Canterlot had come out to catch a glimpse of the strange alien monkey-men from outer space. The irony was not lost on me.

At the castle we were treated to a five-course meal, four of which, regrettably, were composed mainly of oats and hay. Desserts were provided by one of Twilight's friends, the pink earth pony who ran the sweet shop in Ponyville. Queen Chrysalis had actually done a pretty good imitation of her, I thought, now that I'd met her in person.

After dinner, things got a bit livelier. A DJ with an elaborate sound setup was blasting dance music, there was carrot juice and cider for all, and the ponies on the dance floor were going crazy. It was like Studio 54, but with talking horses.

I stood off to the side, near one of the abandoned dinner tables, puffing an asparagus stalk and watching Twilight have some kind of epileptic seizure out on the dance floor. The bass from the sound system thudded against my chest.

"Interesting," I mused aloud. "They've unlocked the secret of wubs, and yet space travel eludes them..."

"Were you talking to me?"

I looked down to see Twilight's friend, the little pink earth pony with the cotton candy mane, staring up at me with a huge, happy grin.

"Nope, sorry, just thinking out loud," I said.

"Okey dokey lokey! Are you having a good time? I'm having a great time! I was hoping everypony here would have a great time, and so far it looks like everypony is having a super terrific time, which is even better than having a great time! I'm sooooooo happy! Did you get enough cupcakes? If not, there should be plenty more cupcakes! When I baked the cupcakes today, I thought to myself: how many cupcakes are we going to need? I was reeeeeeally worried we weren't going to have enough cupcakes, so I baked waaaaaaaaay more than I thought we would need, but as it turned out, that was the right choice, because so far it looks like everypony is really enjoying the cupcakes! Anyway, if you want more cupcakes, be sure to stop by the cupcake table, because thanks to me, there are plenty of cupcakes!"

"Thanks! I will."

She trotted happily away.

"Dale!" I turned my head to see a disheveled Bill D'auterive approaching, panting and out of breath. "Have you seen Fluttershy anywhere?!"

"Nope, sorry."

"I haven't seen her since we got off the train! I know she's s'posed to be here, and I thought I saw her sittin' at one of the other tables at dinner, but now I can't find her anywhere!"

"Relax, I'm sure she's around here somewhere."

"Yeah, but I really need to see her tonight! I'm gonna pop the question, and I figured this party would be the right occasion for it." He reached into his jacket pocket and began fishing around for something. "I went all over Ponyville, but I couldn't find anywhere that sold engagement rings, and I'm not sure what kind of ring would fit a pony anyway, but I grabbed an onion ring from the buffet table, and I figure that's probably close enough, right?"

He held out his hand and showed me the smushed onion ring he'd retrieved from his pocket.

"Sure! And even if she says no, at least you've still got an onion ring."

"Dang it, Dale! Don't jinx it! Oh, I've really gotta find her now..."

"You should ask that pink one with the cocaine problem. She seems to know everyone here."

"That's a good idea! You seen her?"

"Yeah, she just went over there to check on the cupcake table."

"Thanks Dale!"

Bill scurried quickly off in the direction I was pointing. A moment later, I heard a soft voice murmur from under the table behind me:

"Um, is he gone?"

"Yeah, he's gone. You're safe to come out."

>>395154
A little yellow muzzle nudged its way out from under the tablecloth, and Fluttershy crept timidly forward.

"T-thank you."

"Don't mention it."

"Um, could you do me one more favor?"

"Sure, name it."

"Could you not tell him I'll be out in the garden?"

"No problem. So long as there aren't any food trucks out there, he probably won't even think to look."

"'kay. Thanks."

She slunk back down on her belly, slipping covertly from table to table until she disappeared through one of the side doors.

I ground out my asparagus stub and wandered aimlessly among the crowd. Everywhere, ponies were dancing and cavorting and having a grand old time. From time to time I would bump into somepony I knew, and they would give me a cheerful hello and return to their dancing.

I knew I should be celebrating too, but a strange melancholy had come over me since dinner. After what had happened before, we'd all decided it would be best not to tell Bill about it, but I knew that this would probably be the last time I'd ever see any of these ponies. No more Ponyville. No more Canterlot. No more Equestria. Just plain old ordinary Earth, with its plain old ordinary citizens, and the plain old ordinary CIA watching my every move.

Dang it. And I never did get my cutie mark...

At one end of the hall, where it wasn't so crowded, I stopped and lit another asparagus. It looked like there was some work being done in this part of the building, because some construction scaffolding had been built up against the wall. Hank was standing a little ways off, looking up at it with an appraising eye. I recognized Big Macintosh standing next to him.

"Huh," said Hank. He reached out and rattled a wooden beam. "Seems pretty solid. You use framing nails, or are these bolted?"

"Bolted."

"Huh. Well, alright."

"Eeyup."

"Yep."

I smiled to myself, and slipped away before they spotted me. It was nice to see Hank finally cutting loose and living it up for a change.

The noise and the music and the heat from all those horse-bodies packed into the hall was beginning to get to me, though. I found a door that led out to a large balcony, overlooking the town of Canterlot. I leaned against the stone railing, smoking and staring up at a beautiful, star-dappled sky. Even after everything that had happened, I realized that I was really going to miss this place.

"Oh, hey Mr. Rusty! I finally found you." I turned around to see Sweetie Belle looking me up and down. "Your tuxedo looks nice."

"Yep. Your sister does good work. She make yours too?"

Sweetie grinned proudly and spun around, showing off her dress. She stumbled a little on the hem, but managed to stop herself from falling over.

"Lookin' good," I said.

"Thanks."

We went from the railing to a stone bench that stood up against the wall, near some potted plants and a little fountain. I plopped down, suddenly exhausted. Sweetie Belle clambered up and sat down next to me.

I suddenly noticed Boomhauer at the other end of the balcony, chatting with that little cross-eyed gray mare I'd seen around town. I was too far away to hear what they were saying, but it looked like he was laying down his usual routine: "dang ol' this," and "dang ol' that," just pattering away. Even with her eyes pointed in different directions, it was clear that the mare was entranced, and was hanging on his every word. I shook my head, chuckling a little.

"That Boomhauer. Even on the Planet of the Horses, that guy has a way with the ladies."

Sweetie Belle frowned, watching what I was watching but not quite understanding what I meant. Then her face lit up.

"Oh yeah, I have something for you!"

Her horn ignited, and she fumbled around inside a pocket sewn into her dress. She passed me a small package, clumsily wrapped with colored paper, but nonetheless tied up with a nice ribbon in a neat little bow.

I opened it, and held up a neatly cut square of crimson fabric. I flipped it around, and saw that there was a blue patch with a yellow foal-shaped insignia sewn on the back.

"The girls and I were talking," Sweetie Belle continued. "We're still not sure if Sooners from Okrahoma ever get cutie marks, but... we'd still like to make you an honorary member of the Cutie Mark Crusaders!"

I held up the cape, examining it in the moonlight. My eyes stung. The cape seemed a little blurry, like I was looking at it through pebbled glass. Probably my damn allergies acting up again. I stood up, and tied it around my neck.

"Rarity let me use her sewing machine to make it," Sweetie went on. "Sorry, I kinda had to guess at the size. I hope it fits okay."

She'd guessed a little small; it only reached about halfway down my back. Still, I felt myself swelling with... some kind of emotion. Never since earning my letter as Towel Manager for the Arlen High Football Team had I felt this much pride. My allergies were getting much worse.

"It fits perfect," I said. "I can't wait 'til the guys at the gun club see this! They will be figuratively green with envy. Shishishaw!"

I fell into a dragon stance and karate-chopped the air. Sweetie Belle giggled.

"I'm glad you like it."

I felt suddenly bad that I hadn't thought to get anything for her. I reached into my pocket, but all I had in there was my notebook and a few loose asparagus sticks. In my other pocket, though, my fingers closed around something hard and metallic.

"Here, I got something for you too," I said. "It's not much I guess, but..."

I gave her my Oswald Zippo. She held it up in her horn aura, turning it around. The starlight glittered on the surface. She smiled.

"Thanks, Mr. Rusty."

>>395155
A high, shrill whistle cut suddenly through the air, and a moment later, high in the sky, a firework exploded into a flowering burst of pink and green. Another one followed, this one bright blue. Then came another. And another. Slowly, ponies from inside the hall began to trickle out onto the balcony, drawn by the fireworks. Sweetie and I stayed on our bench, watching as the sky lit up with colors.

"Hey, Sweetie Belle?"

"Yeah?"

"There's something else I want to tell you. My name's not actually Rusty Shackleford. It's Dale Gribble. And I'm not from Oklahoma, I'm from Arlen, Texas." I paused, then added: "Keep that to yourself, though. There are government agencies out there that would literally kill for that information. And that Scootaloo seems like kind of a blabbermouth."

Sweetie Belle giggled again. Then she sniffed, wiping at her nose with a fetlock. Her eyes looked a bit watery. Guess she had allergies too.

"Your secret's safe with me."

The balcony was crowded now. The exploding sky had blossomed into a meadow of greens and blues and pinks and purples.

"Hey, Mr. Rusty? I mean, Mr. Dale?"

"Yeah?"

"Who exactly is Lee Harvey Oswald, anyway?"

Above us, a particularly elaborate firework was going off, a multicolored explosion, so bright that it cast the entire balcony in a warm glow of pastel-colored light. The crowd on the balcony gave a collective "ooooh," followed by a collective "aaah" when a second one followed. I watched it until the last ember faded, only to be replaced instantly by another, equally amazing firework. And another. And another.

"Nobody important, Sweetie Belle. He's nobody important."

===

We all stood together in a small stone chamber, gazing at the mirror that Princess Celestia had unveiled. Instead of our reflections in the glass we saw Ward Rackley's basement, the image rippling slightly, as if we were viewing it through a waterfall.

"There," said Princess Celestia, the warm glow fading from her horn. "Both portals should now be open. This should be a far more stable matrix than the one that brought you here. I trust you've all said your goodbyes?"

I looked at my three friends, then over my shoulder at the small group of ponies standing solemnly behind us. After the massive party in the great hall, this felt like a small family affair. It was just the four of us, plus Celestia, the Crusaders, and Twilight and her friends.

I was still wearing my Crusader cape. Hank kept giving me funny looks, but otherwise he didn't comment. The three Crusaders gave me an encouraging smile, and each raised a hoof in salute. I returned the gesture. Hank sighed heavily but still said nothing. I turned and nodded to Celestia.

"Very well," said the Princess. "Now, if you would all three step into the mirror—"

"WAIT!!"

Hank groaned and rubbed his temples.

"Dang it, Bill," he said. "What is it this time?"

Instead of answering, Bill wheeled sharply around and approached Fluttershy. We all braced ourselves for the inevitable scene, yet it didn't come. Bill simply stood before her, and calmly began to speak.

"Fluttershy," he began. "Ever since the day I first came here, when you found me rummagin' around in that mare's garbage can, I've kinda felt like... kinda felt like..."

Suddenly he burst into tears, kneeling on the ground and pulling Fluttershy into a bear hug.

Okay, THERE'S the scene we were expecting...

"PLEEEEEEASE Fluttershy, I don't wanna go back home," he sobbed. "It's so perfect here, and I been so happy! The others might have to go back, but I can stay here with you, no problem! It ain't no problem at all! The Army might get a little sore at me, what with me goin' AWOL and all, but they'll never think to look for me in Equestria..."

Fluttershy, looking extremely uncomfortable, managed to wriggle herself out of Bill's arms and leapt into the air, landing behind Applejack and peering out at him cautiously. Bill continued sobbing for a second or two, and then with visible effort he composed himself. He stood up, wiped the tears from his eyes, straightened the gigantic sequined bow-tie that Rarity had made for him, and cleared his throat.

"I'm sorry," he said, with as much dignity as he could muster. "I'm a little emotional right now. I guess what I'm tryin' to say is, Fluttershy..." He got down on one knee, reached into his pocket, and held out the mashed, lint-covered remnants of what I could only assume used to be an onion ring. "Will you marry me?"

The assembled mares and fillies all gasped in unison. Hank, Boomhauer and I stood stone-faced, hardly daring to breathe. We all waited for what felt like an eternity. Everyone's eyes were on Fluttershy, who increasingly looked like she wanted to melt into a puddle and escape through the cracks between the flagstones. Finally, she spoke:

"Oh, um... no thank you."

Keeping her head low to the ground, she gave us all an awkward, apologetic smile, backing slowly towards the doorway. Once she was through, she spun around and galloped away as fast as she could. We all stood in silence, listening to the echoes of her hoofsteps fading away.

In that moment, I could swear I heard Bill's soul physically shattering into a million pieces.

Finally, Hank stepped up, grabbed Bill by the collar, and dragged him to his feet. Bill couldn't even speak. All he could do was emit a long, low, pitiful whine, like a bicycle tire with a pin-sized hole in it.

"Alright, Bill," said Hank, patting him awkwardly on the shoulder. "There there, and... such..."

He walked him slowly back towards the mirror. Bill offered no resistance, only continuing to make that low, pitiful whining sound. Celestia cleared her throat.

"Ah... alright, then. Before I send you all home, have any of you learned any lessons about friendship that you wish to share?"

"Well, actually I—"

>>395156
"Uh, no ma'am," Hank cut me off loudly. "I can assure you that none of us learned a thing. Yep. Uh, thank you for your... uh... hospitality and all..."

He trailed off, anxiously nudging Bill, Boomhauer and I towards the mirror.

"Let's get the hell out of here," he muttered into my ear.

Celestia cleared her throat again.

"Uh, very well then. Sergeant D'auterive, would you like to go first?"

Bill, dead-eyed and emotionless, stepped through the mirror without resisting. His body seemed to glow for a moment, then rippled like heat-haze, before finally dissipating into vapor.

"Hank Hill Strickland Propane, would you like to go next?"

"Uh, well, ma'am, the name is actually... uh... well, never mind..."

Hank was still muttering as he stepped up to the mirror. His image glowed and flickered like Bill's had, and then in an instant he was gone.

"Dangle Boomhauer Man?"

"Yo."

Without another word, Boomhauer stepped up to the mirror, shimmered for a moment, and vanished. Finally, Celestia turned to me.

"Rusty Shackleford?"

I stepped up to the mirror. The image of Rackley's basement rippled serenely before my eyes, like a mirage in the desert. I hesitated, looking over my shoulder.

"Goodbye, Dale." Sweetie Belle mouthed the words and gave me an encouraging smile.

Dang it. These allergies...

I nodded, took a breath, and then stepped into the mirror. Instantly I felt a warmth envelop my body. The world around me seemed to flicker, then fade, and then finally it resolved itself into a blinding white light...

=

Down in the dark, sacred depths of my beloved basement, I sat at my workbench. Staring at the cinder block wall in front of me. Thinking. Pondering. Questioning the questions that no other living man dared to question.

Nearby, my tank of Peruvian cockroaches hissed. How I'd missed that sound. I gave them a reassuring hiss in return. As if to say: "No need to fear, little roaches. Your Lord and Master is here again. And he's not going anywhere."

The hissing of the roaches pulled me out of my reverie. I glanced at the clock. It was three-fifteen. I was expected in the alley.

On a hook nearby, next to my spare Dale's Dead-Bug jumpsuit and emergency gas mask, hung a crimson piece of fabric with a patch on it. I held it for a moment, feeling the soft, velvety texture of the cloth, feeling strangely sentimental. Then, I spread it across my back and tied the ends in a neat little bow under my chin.

Upstairs, I found my beloved wife, Nancy, fussing around in the kitchen. When Hank, Bill, Boomhauer and I had come back through the mirror it had been nighttime. Convincing Mrs. Rackley not to call the police had been a little tricky, but thankfully Hank's truck was still parked out front, so we'd all made it home okay. For some reason, though, when I got home, Nancy wasn't there. She hadn't been home in the morning, either. This would be the first time the two of us had seen each other in the nearly three weeks that had passed since I'd wandered into the magical land of Equestria. I braced myself for an emotional scene.

Nancy gave me a passing glance as she closed the refrigerator door.

"Oh, there you are, Sug," she said, giving me a light peck on the cheek. "I got one of my migraines tonight. I'm on my way to John Redcorn's. No need to wait up; dinner's in the fridge."

Before she could walk away, I caught her by the hand and pulled her close. She gasped in surprise.

"Nancy, my sweet," I began. "I am sorry that I left you to fend for yourself for what must have felt like an eternity. I swear to you, even though the life of a soldier of fortune is fraught with danger, and I must sometimes answer its call, I promise will always return to your side."

Nancy just looked at me blankly.

"Uh, did you go somewhere, Sug? I'm sorry, I just... you're usually down there in your basement, I just assumed that's where you were."

A car horn honked outside.

"Anyway, Sug, that's probably John Redcorn. Bye! Have fun at your gun club, or... whatever you're doin' tonight!"

So strong, this woman. She must have been lost without me, but she's keeping herself together for my sake. So steadfast, so dependable; like a rock...

I followed her to the patio door. Out in the alley, a Jeep had pulled up to our driveway, blasting an old Alice Cooper song. In the driver's seat sat a long-haired, muscular Indian. It must have been hotter than usual that day, because he wasn't wearing a shirt.

Nancy sprinted across the lawn and jumped into the passenger seat. They both gave me a quick, uncomfortable glance. I waved at them and smiled. They smiled awkwardly and waved back.

I felt relieved, like a huge millstone had finally been lifted from my chest. Here I'd been worried that my prolonged absence might have driven my poor wife mad with grief. But old dependable John Redcorn had stepped up to the plate. Thanks to his steadfast, trustworthy nature, my wife and son had wanted for nothing while I was away.

Good ol' John Redcorn. Not every man would do that for another man's family, but John Redcorn was a true, true friend. And a true, true friend helps a friend in need. I didn't deserve a friend like him, but I sure was glad to have him.

Maybe one day, I'll be able to repay him for all he's done for me.

I'd been thinking a lot about friendship lately, for some reason or other. Lacking the soul of a poet, I can't quite put it into words, but it's almost like... friendship is some kind of ethereal, supernatural force. You know, the kind of force that allows you to do things that wouldn't be physically possible using regular methods. There's probably a word for it, but danged if I know what it is.

>>395157
I stood there in the open doorway for a moment, watching them speed off into the distance, inhaling the hot fragrant air of a scorching Texas afternoon. I'd been sad to leave Equestria, but dang it felt good to be home.
[hr]
Out in the alley, it was the same as it ever was. Hank, Bill and Boomhauer all stood by Hank's fence, staring contentedly off into the distance, lost in their private meditations. I pulled an ice-cold Alamo off of a six pack for each of them, then grabbed one for myself. I put the remaining two into a cooler at Bill's feet.

Hank was staring at me. I wasn't sure why.

"Uh, Dale?" he said after awhile.

"Yes?"

"I thought we all agreed: no capes in the alley."

"Oh, come on, Hank!"

Hank shook his head.

"Sorry, Dale. I hate to be a stickler, but you signed and initialed the alley bylaws when you moved in. Just like the rest of us."

I let out a pouty sigh, watching Hank's face, but he showed no signs of relenting. So, I went back into my house, took off the cape, and hung it up on its peg next to the gas mask.

When I returned to the alley, Hank gave a satisfied nod and returned my beer.

"Yep," said Hank.

"Yep," I replied.

"Mmm-hmm," said Boomhauer.

And then... silence. We all looked at Bill. He hadn't said a word since we got back. He mostly just stared off into space, not even blinking. Sure, if you put a beer in his hand, he'd open it, and drink from it, but... it was as if some vital part of him were no longer there.

I cracked open my beer, took a sip, and then lit a cigarette. I almost coughed. Retraining my lungs to breathe smoke instead of vegetable fumes was going to be tough. Then again, it was nice just to be able to puff on a genuine Manitoba; to romp once more in the verdant meadows of flavor country.

"Give it back! That's mine!"

"No way, dork! You'll have to take it from me!"

A child's voice cried out, followed by another. I felt a strange longing I didn't fully understand, and craned my neck towards the sound. Unfortunately, it had just been some neighborhood kids playing keep-away with each other.

I puffed my smoke, and drank my beer, wondering what it was that I'd been hoping for. Boomhauer and Hank sipped their own beers. From time to time we would all glance uncomfortably at Bill, who continued to stare vacantly into space.

Finally, Hank cleared his throat:

"So, uh, what did you guys do this weekend? Me, I won a salesman's promotion through Strickland and got invited to the Dallas Cowboys Training Camp, and that's why I wasn't around. Yep. And it sure was one hell of a weekend, I tell ya what. Yep. Dallas Cowboys. How 'bout you, Bill? You do anything exciting over the weekend?"

Bill D'auterive's dead-eyed gaze remained fixed on the horizon. He took a long, noisy sip of his beer, belched, and said nothing. Hank furrowed his brow.

"Uh... well... alright, then." Hank cleared his throat. "Anyway, Boomhauer, how 'bout you? Do anything exciting this weekend? Any of your... uh... lady friends come over, and whatnot?"

"Man, dang ol' Hank, man, what you talkin' about, man, ain't no Cowboys Training Camp 'round here, man, I tell ya what: them dang little ol' horsies, man, dang ol' just kept on makin' me smile, man, like, ya know, it's like they're... they're like... like... It's like them dang ol' little ponies just be singing them little ol' songs all the time, man, like dang ol'... 'all you gotta do is take a cup of flour,' man, dang ol'... I tell ya what, it's like, every ol' day you gotta just smile smile smile, you know? Dang ol' shared it's magic with me, man."

Hank nodded approvingly.

"Yep, you said it, Boomhauer. A whole weekend with the Dallas Cowboys. Sure doesn't get any better than that, I tell ya what." He took a long sip of his beer. "Yep. The Dallas Cowboys."

He took another sip, and turned to me.

"So, Dale, how was your, uh... UFO meet-up? Find any flying saucers?"

I stared at him blankly for a moment.

"What are you talking about, Hank? You know perfectly all four of us were in Equestri—"

"AHEM!!"

Hank cleared his throat loudly, cutting me off in mid-sentence with the Hank Hill death stare. I didn't understand what was making him so upset, or why he felt the need to make up such ridiculous cover stories for all of us. But then I figured it out: we were back in Arlen now. The government probably had hundreds of spy satellites, all pointed at me, listening to my every word. I could no longer speak freely; not without endangering the horse planet. Who knew what our evil scientists would do to those poor, defenseless, noble creatures? Hank might have saved an entire civilization just then.

Good old Hank, having my back like that. What a great friend. All these guys are great friends. Even Bill. It's almost like, friendship is... friendship... is... ah, whatever; it'll come to me.

"Riiiiiiiight..." I said, giving him a cool nod. Then, loud enough for any eavesdroppers to hear, I said: "The UFO convention was great, Hank! I saw plenty of flying saucers, and they gave us a guided tour of Area 51!"

Hank gave me a light nod.

"Okay, then. Yep."

"Yep," I said.

Silence. We both looked at Bill, who was still staring into space. He took another long, loud slurp of beer. Hank gave him a worried frown and then looked quickly away.

"Yep," he said again.

Someone sniffled. We turned to Bill, but he was just gazing off at nothing. The sniff came again.

This time we turned to Boomhauer. He sniffed a third time, wiping a tear from his eye.

"Dang ol' muffins, man.

>>395158
................and, that's the end. Hope you enjoyed the story, it has been a fun journey writing it from literally 2018 until the present, sorry about the inconsistent updates and whatnot.

The remaining chapters will be uploaded to fimfiction once per week, the story will be officially complete as of the first week of August most likely.

Also: if you would like a nice, snazzy PDF copy of the full text, properly formatted without all of the ugly fimfic bbcode formatting, I've gone ahead and attached it. Also also, said PDF is the final text of the print version I'm currently doing of this. If you're going to be at EFNW this year, barring any unforeseen circumstances there should be copies of it for sale. If you can't make it and would like a printed copy of this, let me know. There will likely be some left over, and if not I can do another run or set it up as a print-to-order or something.

This is amazing, friend! I thank you so much for writing it!!! The ending brought tears to my eyes. I love Fluttershy (whom you wrote perfectly) and feel bad for Bill.

>>395248
Thank you, I appreciate that. Happy you enjoyed it.

>>395159
IMO some parts should be on the cutting room floor, but overall a good read
(ending the fic with implication made me kek)

>>374307
from what cartoon is Gale?

>>395643
>from king of the hill
sorry, I am apparently blind

>>395159
Archived for #Deca.Mare.