/mlpol/ - My Little Politics

>>327793

The text begins with a brief author's note. There are a couple of things worth going over here.

>This fanfic is obviously inspired by the awesome movie "Groundhog Day" – one of my personal favorites. You'll find that much of the fic mirrors the movie.
>The idea of a 'GHD fic' is one I've seen used in other fanfictions, perhaps most famously in certain Naruto fanfics. I point those out, because while fascinating (at least to start) I always found that they tended to become tangential, and to deviate too strongly from the core element of Groundhog Day, which was the existential wonder and emotional growth of the main character. We don't love Groundhog Day because Phil Conners (the inimitable Bill Murray) because of what he learns to do or what 'powers' he has, but because of the person he becomes, and how it hints that we, too, can be more than we are.
Obviously, it's too early to say whether this is a good story or not, but this makes me hopeful. It shows a good instinct on the author's part: instead of simply saying that he wants to do Groundhog Day with ponies, he delves into the concept of Groundhog Day and tries to get to the heart of what made it a great movie in his view. He uses this as his jumping-off point for how to go about creating a pony adaptation.

Fanfiction authors have a tendency to select premises based on crazy what-if scenarios, or because they want to explore some headcanon they have about how some aspect of their chosen universe works. With something like Groundhog Day, it's easy to see how an author might get derailed fairly early on: the focus would end up being on the wacky action, rather than focusing on the character's development.

Before starting any writing project, the question you want to ask yourself is why. Why am I writing this? Why did I choose this character as my protagonist over all the other characters I could have chosen? Is this character really the best protagonist for the kind of story I want to do? And so forth.

Again, this guy seems to have done a pretty good job here. Creating a parody/adaptation of a story is a bit like recording a cover version of a song (or a song parody for that matter). You have to ask yourself: why exactly do I want to record this? If you're just covering a song because you like the song, and you intend to simply copy what the original performer did, there's not much reason to make a record of it. The only reason anyone familiar with the song would choose to listen to your version over the original would be if your version adds something to it; you're giving the listener the same song they already like, but are adding a new dimension or perspective to it that it didn't have before.

Likewise, if your story is an overt parody of something else or uses another story as a jumping off point, you have to consider not only what the original story was about and what it was trying to say, you have to consider what your story is going to say that adds on to that, or how you can use that story as a unique vehicle to communicate something new. In the case of a parody, which is what this appears to be so far, you have to consider how well the characters in your chosen universe fit the personalities in the story you're parodying.

For comparison, we can go back to FoE for just a moment. Kkat's entire premise was basically "I want to do Fallout 3, but with ponies." In other words, he just wanted to take two things he likes and smush them together, with little thought put into how well the themes of one story would transfer into another. This guy has a similar idea: "GHD, but with ponies." However, his approach is different: he has zeroed in on what he thought made GHD a good movie, and attempts to translate that idea into the universe of MLP.

GHD is essentially a story about a selfish, egotistical man who gets trapped in a time loop. In being forced to relive the same day over and over, he is no longer capable of pursuing any of the external goals that previously defined his life; thus, he has no choice but to learn about the people around him, and in so doing learns to genuinely love and appreciate them. With this in mind, we can begin to see why this author chose Prince Blueblood, a minor background character who only ever appears in one episode to my recollection, to star in his fanfic, as opposed to Big Mac or Shining Armor or one of the other more-prevalent male characters from the show.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTQbiNvZqaY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mk5Dwg5zm2U

>Having noted this, I knew when I began writing that I had to keep the story focused, yet the setting required a great many changes, alterations and rethinkings. Compromises and cuts had to be made. I wanted things to have a set beginning and end and not to drag on unnecessarily, telling the story and maintaining the homage that this is to the original movie.
This also shows good instinct on the author's part. While he seems to want to create as faithful an adaptation of the GHD film as he can, his priority is telling the story he wants to tell, rather than making sure that every single thing from his source material is worked into his adaptation. He also seems conscious about keeping the story to a manageable size, rather than just blathering on endlessly as if a massively high word count were some kind of badge of honor (which I appreciate).

Without yet having read a single word of the actual story, I find that I like the way this author thinks so far. I've been burned several times before, however, so I guess we'll see.

There is also a brief second author's note:

>I am updating this fic after a fine bout of editing courtesy of RB Dash. I think the fic should now be as polished as it can be. Thanks again for the hard work!
That the author considered it worth his time to have his story edited, and then went back and made corrections based on the notes he received, also gives me hope.

Anyway, without further ado, let's get started.

>>327794

(1)

The story starts off with a short introductory blurb. This seems to be the important bit:

>It was, Prince Blueblood reflected as he dragged himself to bed, "Truly, the worst night ever."
>Collapsing face first into the pillows, his body shook with a resounding sigh.
>At least it was over.
This is both a clever way to open a story, and a subtle reference to the MLP episode the story is based on. The title of this work is "The Best Night Ever;" however, it starts off by saying it was the worst night ever. Though we don't yet know what night he's talking about, we are given a clue about the nature of the story we're about to read. Presumably, the progression of the night from worst-ever to best-ever is going to run parallel to the protagonist's growth.

More subtly clever is that this is the direct opposite of how this same idea is presented in the MLP cartoon. The M6 are initially looking forward to the Gala being the "best night ever," but it turns out to be the opposite. This cleverly references the show without being obnoxious about it, and it's not necessary for the reader to have seen the show in order to understand this opening paragraph. The reference is just there for anyone who picks up on it.

There is a page break, and we are given the title of the fic along with the author's name. After this, the story begins in earnest.

>"You'll be seeing Rain Booms!
>Ooo-ooo-oooh!
>Equestria Girls, we're kinda magical!
>Boots on hooves, bikinis on top!"
>An alabaster hoof silenced the infernal electronic device transmitting its unbearable pop-culture sugar-sweet ear pollution. Sapphire Shores. He hated Sapphire Shores. What was the radio even doing on that station again?
This seems to be a fandom meta-reference. I don't know the story behind it, but I know the song he's talking about:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FmNDsaTB3yo

The author appears to be taking a swipe at the song. Again, the reference is well handled: if the reader is familiar with the song in question, he gets the joke. If he doesn't, it's no big deal; the event still makes sense in context. We have a song by an artist named Sapphire Shores, and the character regards it as "sugar-sweet ear-pollution." The reader does not need any outside information about this song to understand what's happening.

In addition to the actual song reference, this is also presumably a reference to the film: in GHD, Bill Murray wakes up each day to "I Got You Babe" by Sonny and Cher playing on his clock radio (at least that's the song I remember; it's been a long time since I've actually seen that movie, so my memory may be spotty).

Anyway, the author gives us some basic expository information in the next paragraph. We learn that the character is named Blueblood, and that he is waking up the morning after a rather bad night. A gala he was attending was disrupted by a "horde of crazed critters." We are also given the impression that Blueblood is someone important: he lives in a palace, and has servants who apparently "groom" him every morning.

As his servants groom him, he reflects upon the events of the previous evening, and we begin to get a clearer picture of what happened. The Gala seems to have ended in quite a bit of general chaos: we are given a vague glimpse of rampaging animals, the destruction of the garden, some art apparently being vandalized or destroyed, and so forth. However, the focus of Blueblood's anger seems to revolve around a personal slight he endured from a "foalish mare" who apparently showered him with "low-class cake" at some point. It's not yet clear whether this event was related to the general fracas, or whether or not the mare in question had anything to do with said fracas.

The Gala was apparently an important enough event that someone will need to accept blame for its disruption. Blueblood spends some time musing about who should be thrown under the proverbial bus. Again we hear mention of the mare from the night before: she was apparently his date, and we can probably assume that the date had not gone well overall. Blueblood considers blaming the evening on her out of spite, but realizes that this would not solve his problem. His date was apparently a person of little consequence (from Ponyville), and the higher-ups of Canterlot are going to need someone a little more important to point a hoof at.

Blueblood gets dressed and heads down to breakfast. There is a bit of confusion over his clothes: it seems his servants have screwed up and laid out the wrong coat for him. The coat was picked out for the Gala the previous evening, and he doesn't want to wear it again (though he notes that it is cleanly pressed and does not have any cake stains). He decides to ignore this detail for the time being.

We are given some more expository information: the palace he is in apparently belongs to his great-aunt, who is a princess. He also has a second great-aunt, also a princess. We get a name for one of them: Celestia. The second is left a mystery for now. Incidentally, though I'm sure we all know perfectly well who all of these characters are meant to be, I'm describing them this way on purpose. Even though the author can reasonably assume his readers will have some basic familiarity with the cast of FiM, it's still his responsibility to introduce all of the characters in his story to us as if we've never heard of them before. He's doing a pretty good job of it so far.

At the moment, Blueblood is not in a mood to see his aunt Celestia, as she apparently disappeared at a rather critical moment last night, and he believes that this contributed to the ensuing chaos. He sits down and orders a much fancier breakfast than the rather simple one his aunt is eating. We have thus far been given the impression that Blueblood is rather arrogant and overly concerned with his appearance. Oh, also, we learn that the other princess' name is Luna I'm sure this is shocking to all of you.

>>327795

Just as I was beginning to wonder if anything was ever going to actually happen, something does:

>"I trust you are looking forward to this Evening's Gala?" the elderly pony inquired.
>Blueblood opened his mouth to agree, when he caught what was being said – besides the compliment.
>"W-what?" he asked, dumbly, and quickly shook his head. "What was that just now?"
>"The Gala, Prince," Proper Place repeated. "I look forward to it."
Hey, wait a minute, I thought the gala was last night? This is highly irregular. It reminds me a little of that old Bill Murray movie, Caddyshack.

Anyway, Blueballs is suspicious and thinks that Celestia might be playing a joke on him. He decides to play along for now, while observing the behavior of the others at the table. So far, everything seems normal. The next passage is a little unclear, but from what I gather he decides that he's going to call Celestia's bluff by not attending the second Gala being mentioned.

There is a page break, and we rejoin Blueblood later in the evening. Contrary to what he said in the previous subchapter, he is attending the Gala he swore not to attend. He is shocked to see the same guests are streaming in and, as far as he can tell, everything is playing out exactly the way it did the previous night.

>Blueblood had even waited patiently for the angry and shocked letters of those who had sought his patronage, now demanding he do something about the debacle – as if there was anything much he could do except to help assign blame, and direct it as much as possible away from himself. Yet no letters came. No word of insulted nobles demanding to see him. No nothing!
"No nothing" is a double negative, but apart from that this guy's grammar seems pretty decent so far. I notice that, similar to soulpeener, his prose is a little overwrought at times. Take this example from earlier:

>Yet it seemed both uncharacteristically rude and mean spirited to not only effectively facilitate the ruin of the Gala, but then to rub his face in it the next day.
This is an overelaborate way of saying something relatively simple: Blueblood is already annoyed by Celestia's flippant attitude towards the brouhaha the night before, and now she is rubbing his face in it by playing a joke on him. The verbosity obscures the meaning; I actually had to read this sentence a couple of times to figure out what it was trying to say. I'd probably truncate it somewhat:

>Yet it seemed a bit much that she had not only helped ruin the Gala, but would rub his face in it the next day.
Or something to that effect.

This is really the only passage I've come across that I felt was worth nitpicking heavily, which goes to the author's credit, but I do notice that his writing overall comes across a bit stiff and formal. Again, the style reminds me a little of soulpeener; however, it's worth noting that this author has considerably better grammar, and the forced elegance is nowhere near as tryhard as it was with soulpeener. In general, this guy's writing is pretty good so far.

Anyway, it seems that Blueblood is beginning to get a nagging feeling that something isn't right, but he still seems to think that all of this is just some kind of elaborate prank. However, he is uneasy at how similar this night is to the previous night.

Suddenly, a servant knocks on his door and informs him that Celestia has been asking about him. He realizes that, prank or no, he is going to have to make an appearance at the fake-Gala, so he tells the servant to let everyone know that he is on his way down. He goes back to his apartment (his location in physical space is a little unclear at this point, but it sounds like he's been cooped up inside an office or something for most of the day), and has his servants dress and groom him again. He checks himself out in the mirror, and observes that he is a sexy little bunt-cake indeed.

He goes downstairs and has himself announced. The strange deja-vu of the situation continues to trouble him. He makes note of a few ponies in attendance, most notably a pony named Twilight Sparkle. He does not seem to know her personally, but has heard about her from his aunt.

>And... then there was her.
I actually wanted to make a side note on something I've brought up before. In one of my previous reviews (Sun & Rose as I recall), I was complaining about the way the author was doing ellipses (...). My complaint was that the author was writing ellipses the way the one above is written, with a space following the ellipse: like... this. I was taught that the proper way to write an ellipse is...like...this...without spaces. However, it seems I was half-wrong here: I looked it up, and both methods are considered correct. Since pointing it out, I've actually noticed that the trailing space (author's method above) is the more common way of writing ellipses.

While we're on the subject of grammar-nitpicking, I'll also acknowledge another of my mistakes. In my FoE review, I called out the author on a couple of occasions for appending an apostrophe-S to denote a possessive for a noun ending in an 's':

>Deadeyes's gaping anus
vs:
>Deadeyes' gaping anus

I was always taught that the latter method was correct: if someone's name ends in 's', you add a trailing apostrophe to make it a possessive. However, I looked it up, and it seems I've been doing this wrong for about 30 years. The trailing apostrophe only applies if the noun in question is plural:

>the bees' hive
>the niggers' gang territory
>the faggots' AIDS clinic

When you are talking about one person/thing, even if the name/word ends in an 'S', you still add an apostrophe-S:

>the cerberus's gaping maw
>Claudius's gimp leg
>Deadeyes's ruined asshole
Though this will never look right to me, apparently this is 100% grammatically correct. As such, I apologize to any author I've come down on for writing their possessives this way; apparently I've been wrong about it all this time.

>>327793
>Probably a general
I would probably classify the writefag cricle thread as a general more than this one. You're a person producing content in a thread based soely around that. The other thread is more about a general subject, as in writing all potential fiction, compared to your specific subject of one fic at a time. The "responsiblity" for it's activity is also split among its users while here only you carry the flag since the thread will continue despite others input.

Then again, that rule was made ore for political threads and less for pony thread form my understanding. It might still be a good rule for pony threads, idk, but that's what I gather from reading the policy's examples text.

So far I'm shocked at how much this story doesn't seem to suck eggs. Having Blueblood's fancy talk leak into the prose might have been an artistic choice but it can get a little grating sometimes. But only a little. It's certainly better than Kkat's haphazard flirtations with the kind of shite you'd expect from a teenager's emo poetry journal.

>>327799
>s' is wrong
reeeeee
>>327803
>content producting
This, its one of my favorite recurring threads, particularly when weather prevrnts work (like today

>>327799
>When you are talking about one person/thing, even if the name/word ends in an 'S', you still add an apostrophe-S:
This is the sort of insanity that makes sense on paper for distinction of plurals or singulars...
Don't particularly like that.
>renandstimpyhorse.wav
Learn something new through hoerses. Thanks.

I have actually read this story in the past. I don't wanna poison the well so this spoiler is my own judgement on it: It's okay throughout and while I don't really remember the end, perhaps I didn't read it to the end, that's the sentiment I get from it. It is Blueblood in groundhog day scenario. Nothing more but nothing less either. From what I remember. I doubt you will be calling this guy gay at the end of it is what I'm saying, unless your standards are that anything not above 'functional' is homosexual.
But yeah, it was years ago I could be wrong in either direction.

>>327799

At this point I suspect they like changing the rules for such things so they can keep track of people easier, across generations.
At the same time, with how information is transferred, it makes sense to tweak some of the rules to better suit new mediums. Though in the end, I suspect its just so they can sell more English rules books.

>>327799

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah; a mystery mare catches BB's attention. We don't have a name yet, but she seems important.

>Just as he remembered her from yesterday. Which was much like today. She was a beauty to look at, to be sure: pristine white coat, vivid violet mane with a distinctive and feminine curl, actual crystal slippers and an intricate, layered dress in shades of red and gold. And – yes – she was looking at him with that exact same expression he had noticed at the other Gala. The... same Gala? Wide eyed, like she had found the Prince of her dreams. He felt the cruel temptation then that he had before, but quashed it. Something was going on.
Though I'm sure we all know who this "mystery mare" is going to turn out to be, I'd like to point out that the way the author has been handling her so far is well done.

This character was mentioned as early as the 9th paragraph, and has been brought up multiple times since then, so we get the impression that she is going to be someone important. However, the author has yet to give us a name, simply referring to her as "his date" or "that foalish mare." Not only does this add an element of mystery to the character, it also shows us how Blueblood sees her, which tells us something about what kind of a character Blueblood himself is. From his behavior thus far, it's evident that this guy is an arrogant, self-absorbed person pony, whatever, who has little regard for the ponies around him. The author makes this clear not by informing us directly, but by giving us examples of how he behaves and how he interacts with others.

So far we've met several characters: Blueblood himself, a couple of his servants, his aunts Celestia and Luna, and someone named Proper Place, who appears to be a butler or an assistant or something. His servants are essentially invisible to him; he only pays attention to them when they screw up. The rest of his acquaintances and relations are considered only in terms of how they seem to be treating him. Celestia and Luna are apparently his aunts, but he doesn't seem to have much affection for either of them. He seems convinced that Celestia is playing some sort of elaborate prank on him, even though she has not said or done anything that would indicate this.

In previous reviews, I've mentioned that it's important to show, not tell. What this author has done is actually a fine example of showing. All this Blueblood character has really done so far is wake up, eat breakfast, and get ready for a party. However, just by giving us a window into how he behaves, how he thinks, and how he treats others, the author has painted a clear picture of who this character is and how the reader should see him. Moreover, the character the author shows us is the character he's actually trying to show us.

In Fallout: Equestria, one of my early complaints was that Littlepoop had no clear motivations or personality, she just randomly decides to start murderhoboing her way around Equestria because something-something-justice. By the end of the story, I lividly hated her; I found her to be a deranged, self-absorbed narcissist. It's obvious from what we've read of this so far that Blueblood is a self-absorbed narcissist as well; however, the difference is that we're supposed to see Blueblood this way.

The story has just started, and I want to reserve serious judgement until we've read a little more of it. However, just from what we've read so far, I can tell you that the writing here is significantly better than Fallout: Equestria; even based on this small sample, the difference between this guy and kkat is night and day. Of the writers we've looked at so far, this guy seems to be the most competent by a substantial margin.

Anyway, moving on.

Blueblood sees his date from the previous night, and observes that she is looking at him with the same wide-eyed adoration she displayed when he first met her. Because of what transpired between them in the ether-space before the story began, he finds this odd; presumably their date did not end well, and he assumes she would now resent him. So, he decides to avoid her until he has a clearer sense of what the situation is. He ignores her, and approaches Celestia instead.

After exchanging some quick pleasantries, BB apologizes and makes a lame excuse for hiding out in his room all day. Celestia is polite but clearly doesn't care that much either way. She then introduces him to the unicorn he noticed earlier, Twilight Sparkle. Twilight strikes him as awkward and socially inept; however, he isn't paying much attention to her at present. He is more concerned with trying to pull his aunt aside so they can have a conversation in private, but Celestia is more interested in greeting the rest of her guests. She shoos him off, encouraging him to forget about "work" and enjoy himself, and promises to speak to him later. This obviously doesn't satisfy him, but he has little choice but to accept this for now.

>Glancing over his shoulder, he saw that insufferable unicorn watching him. Her eyes were intelligent and calculating, now, and not quite so blinded by awe and infatuation as before. All too cognizant of what had happened ...the last time, Blueblood gave one last farewell to the Princess' little apprentice and retreated to the Ménagerie.
"That insufferable unicorn" is somewhat ambiguous; he could either be talking about Twilight or the mystery mare mentioned earlier. From context I'm going to assume the latter; however, it might be a good idea to rewrite the paragraph so it's slightly clearer.

Also:
>All too cognizant of what had happened ...the last time, Blueblood gave one last farewell to the Princess' little apprentice and retreated to the Ménagerie.
This sentence feels off-balance. I'd probably replace the comma wafter "the last time" with another ellipsis; that's just me though.

>>327892

>A certain measure of sloth aside, Prince Blueblood was not a foal. Nor was he ignorant of the magic that was his birthright. There was something truly strange going on. This meant that it was best to observe, for the moment, so as to formulate a proper response. What happened before – and he felt a little sick thinking of things in this kind of weird "loop" – surely couldn't and wouldn't repeat itself if he just removed himself from the picture. Perhaps doing so would also reveal some clue? Perhaps doing so would just fix things by chance!
This paragraph is also a bit murky. The meaning I'm taking from this is that Blueblood, being both a unicorn and Equestrian royalty, would have a basic familiarity with magic, and might have guessed that some kind of enchantment could be responsible for the weird situation he's in. However, it's not clear just how much he's supposed to have figured out.

This jumps out at me:

>What happened before – and he felt a little sick thinking of things in this kind of weird "loop" – surely couldn't and wouldn't repeat itself if he just removed himself from the picture.
Is the word "loop" implying that Blueblood has figured out that time is literally repeating itself here, or is this just a figure of speech? If the former, then how exactly did he figure this out? If the latter, then what exactly does he think is going on?

This is one of those areas where adapting a story from one universe to another can be tricky. In GHD, Bill Murray's character is an ordinary human, living in the ordinary human world. In the ordinary world, time doesn't just suddenly start repeating itself in an infinite loop. Because the situation he finds himself in is impossible, Bill Murray is initially skeptical about what is happening to him. Again, it's been awhile since I've seen the movie, but as I remember it takes him a day or two to finally accept that he's stuck in a time loop. His instinctive reaction is to disbelieve what he knows to be impossible, even though the impossible is clearly happening, and he can only accept the situation once he has completely exhausted all rational explanations (he hit his head, he's having a dream, he is the victim of an elaborate prank, etc).

However, in Equestria, things are a little different. Magic is an accepted part of everyday life here, and it stands to reason that when something is quite obviously out of the ordinary, a spell or an enchantment is probably at the root of the problem. Thus, Prince Blueblood would have a much easier time accepting the idea of being stuck in a time loop than Bill Murray would. So, based on the information he has at his disposal so far, what would he most likely be thinking is going on right now? It's worth putting thought into questions like this.

Anyway, BB goes outside to the menagerie. Or, wait a minute...

>The Ménagerie was a series of prominent rooms and adjoining salons. Each of the main chambers was named for a prominent constellation, the very same one that adorned the ceiling of each hall in the form of a great mural. Facing North was the Bear, East the Scorpion, and West the Hound. Within each individual Ménagerie, the walls were decked in the finest tapestries and frescoes, the most elegant of marble statues were on display, and stained-glass windows provided a rich ambiance.
I'm not sure Capn_Chryssalid understands what a menagerie is. A menagerie is basically a private zoo, where a king or an extremely wealthy person will keep a collection of exotic pets. When the text said "menagerie" I assumed it meant the outdoor garden where Fluttershy wanted to go to make friends with the critters. Here, the author seems to be treating it as some kind of indoor cluster of sitting rooms or something.

It's possible that the menagerie has been repurposed into "rooms" and "salons" for the Gala, but I don't think that's what's going on. For one thing, you probably wouldn't want to have a lot of expensive tapestries and statues and stained glass windows and so forth in a place where you normally keep your pet elephants, even temporarily. Also, over the next few paragraphs, Blueblood proceeds through several "rooms" of the menagerie, and there is no mention of any exotic animals present, or any sign that they were ever present. So, I'm going to conclude that the author's use of the word is incorrect. This is a pretty big blunder; if you're going to use a word, you should at least make sure you know what it means and that you're using it correctly. Google is a thing. Also, one of the earlier author's notes mentioned that someone named "RB Dash" edited this text. This kind of giant, flashing red error is exactly the sort of thing an editor is supposed to catch, so this one is as much on Dash as it is on the author.

Anyway, Blueballs wanders around the "menagerie" for awhile. In one of the rooms, a "neon-pink mare whose legs seemed to have been replaced with springs" is causing a scene. Once again, I will note that I like the way the author is showing us the scene through the eyes of his character. We all know the pony he's referring to here clearly it's Bulk Biceps, but it stands to reason that Blueblood would not know her by name and probably doesn't care who she is all that much. So, even though a fan would immediately recognize this character and attribute significance to her, she is still simply being described as an irrelevant background presence, because that's how BB would see her. Learning to write from the perspective of your character rather than your own perspective or that of the reader is one of the best writing habits you can fall into, and it's one of the things that most of the fanfiction authors we've looked at seem to struggle with.

>Plus, just how could an earth pony be involved in anything like... this... whatever this was?
I will once again note that it's not clear what BB thinks is going on. Is he assuming magic? Does he still think it's a prank?

>>327894

Anyway, BB keeps wandering around. He encounters a "food vendor" selling "common fare" that doesn't appeal to him. He seems to have had some sort of encounter with her the previous evening. Once again, it's clear enough who this pony is, but again, the author is doing a good job of keeping the point of view limited to what his protagonist would naturally be aware of. So, for the moment, the food vendor remains a background pony :^).

Nothing else really happens. It's still a bit murky what BB thinks of the situation, but he seems to at least suspect that he is actually reliving the previous day. This suspicion seems to be confirmed when a herd of critters (the first mention of animals we've heard, despite his ostensibly being in a menagerie) rampages through the Gala and ruins it. Blueblood notes with annoyance that his Aunt Celestia has once again disappeared.

He retires to his chambers in an uneasy state, and the scene ends.

Page break. Blueblood awakens to the same song as before, and hits the snooze button on his radio. He climbs out of bed, and summons his servants to dress and groom him as he did the previous day.

>On a lark, he spoke to the servant fillies this morning.
>"The Gala is tonight." He stated it with a sigh. "Isn't it?"
If I'm following this correctly, this should only be his second repeat, yet he seems to have already more or less comprehended what's going on and accepted it. Depending on how the author is thinking about it, this might be because of what I mentioned earlier: BB lives in a world of magic, and thus would not find the idea of being placed under a time-loop spell to be as incomprehensible as a human living in our world would. It still feels slightly odd to me that he would be this blasé about it this early in the story, but I suppose we'll see where the author is taking it.

>Blueblood felt a shiver run through his frame as he entered the dining hall, and saw everyone just where they were before. Eating the same things as before. Chatting about the same things as before.
This seems to imply that the opposite is true: that BB has no idea what is going on and that he's freaked out about it. If I were to give the author any advice at this juncture, it would be that he should pick a state of mind for Blueblood and hold to it for the first couple of loops, then move him progressively through different states as the story progresses and he learns more about what is happening to him.

>A servant came by, and he placed an order for tea, with milk and ginger. A dish of freshly imported yucca. It was tasty in and of itself, but it was refined and expensive. He had been hoping to start a trend with it. He also had a cliens doing business in the plant. There was that, too, but it also brought back pleasant memories.
It seems illogical that he would be thinking about something this trivial right now. Also, what is a "cliens?"

>"I trust you are looking forward to this Evening's Gala? I have heard you hired from the Canterlot Chamber Orchestra company? I look forward to their rendition of Entry of the Princess in Sun's Light."
>"It should be quite fitting," he replied, glancing across the long table. "Once the Princess shows up, and if nothing goes wrong before that."
>Strangely, Princess Celestia choose that moment to cover a small smile with a sip of tea, one of her ears twitching.
>Ah-ha! Blueblood wanted to yell. Either you know what's going on, or you planned that mischief in the first place! Ah-bloody-ha!
As far as I can tell, BB is still assuming that this is some kind of elaborate prank being played on him by Celestia. That probably makes sense enough considering the characters and setting; Celestia would have the means to orchestrate a large-scale prank that required participation from everyone in the castle, and would also probably have the magic power to cast a spell if she wanted to do it that way, so she's probably the most logical suspect right now.

We've probably read enough at this point that I can stop and sum up what I think of it so far.

Of the things we've read, this text is probably the most well constructed. At the moment, it is the frontrunner for "least objectionable fanfic I've read and reviewed," by a wide margin. As I've remarked, the author does a good job of writing from the character's perspective, the pacing is good, and he's given us a pretty clear image of what kind of person pony, whatever this Prince Blueblood is.

If I have any major criticism so far (apart from the somewhat stiff prose and the menagerie thing), it's that, while the Blueblood character is developed enough thus far, I don't find his behavior entirely believable. Namely, I find the way he's reacting to the time-loop business to be a little unconvincing thus far.

For people learning to draw, one of the most important things to learn is how to proportion different parts of the body. Even if you can draw everything else perfectly, if you've drawn a character whose arms are too long, or their head is too small, or whatever, anyone looking will notice that something is off, even if they can't put their finger on what it is. The same applies to human pony, whatever behavior in writing.

In an effort to pinpoint what it is about BB's behavior that feels off here, I'd point to a familiar psychological model, the Five Stages of Grief:

>Denial
>Anger
>Bargaining
>Depression
>Acceptance

This model describes the emotional states a person goes through when confronted with sudden loss or the prospect of their own death, and I've found it's a helpful model to use when trying to predict how a character might react to any sort of life-altering event over which they have no apparent power. Running out of space, will continue.

>>327897

Let's take a look at Prince Blueblood's situation through this lens.

Blueblood, for reasons yet unknown, finds himself reliving the same day over and over. How might he react?

>Denial
Obviously, this situation is impossible. A person doesn't just live the same day over and over again, so this can't be happening. This is either a trick, or there is something crucial that Blueblood is not understanding. The people around Bill Murray think he's a pretty weird guy, the way he keeps going around saying crazy things like "didn't we do this yesterday?" and "what kind of trick are you trying to pull on me?"

>Anger
After a few loops, as the reality of his situation becomes apparent, Blueblood begins to lash out at the world around him. As I recall, Bill Murray's character in GHD went through a similar period, where he was just doing wacky shit because he knew it wouldn't matter the next day.

>Bargaining
This would probably be the period where Blueblood calms down and realizes that mindlessly fucking with the world around him over and over isn't going to fix anything. He begins looking at it as some kind of puzzle that needs to be solved. Surely there must be some reason this is happening. There must be something he can do, some sin he can atone for or some deed that he can accomplish, and if he can just figure out what it is, then whatever force is imprisoning him will set him free.

>Depression
At this point, Blueblood has concluded that the time loop is both real and inescapable; he has no further delusions about being able to "break" the loop through some specific action on his part. The realization that he is doomed to endlessly repeat the same day over and over and over sinks in completely, and he despairs.

>Acceptance
Having made his peace with his situation, Blueblood has now attained a sort of zen state. He is no longer attempting to control his destiny or escape the loop; he accepts the situation for what it is, and it no longer bothers him. In the Bargaining state, he likely ascertained that the time loop might be some sort of divine punishment for his selfish behavior, and was probably trying to do good deeds in the hope that it would free him from the loop. However, since he was performing these acts cynically with a self-serving goal, it didn't work. However, now, he has given up on the idea of freeing himself from the loop, and is simply changing himself out of a genuine desire to change. Bill Murray wins over Andie MacDowell not because he desires her or because he wants the time loop to end, he has simply grown to love her on his own, and she sees and accepts this. By giving up on solving the puzzle, he has managed to solve the puzzle. He is now released from the loop.

This is more or less how I remember Bill Murray's character progressing in GHD. First he doesn't believe that it's happening, then he starts doing crazy stuff, then he shifts focus and begins trying to win over Andie MacDowell's character by cynically manipulating her using his knowledge of events. He eventually becomes depressed, trying to repeatedly kill himself in a number of hilarious ways. Ultimately, he comes to terms with the situation as it is, and at this point his focus shifts from trying to escape to trying to help people in the town. He is eventually able to win Andie MacDowell's genuine affection, and at this point fate releases him from the time loop.

It's a little early to judge how closely this author intends to follow this model. However, I think one thing that feels off is that Blueblood seems to have jumped the gun on "acceptance." After only a single repeat, he seems to have concluded: "welp, I'm in a time loop; what should I do about it?" In any case, though, let's keep reading and see what happens.

Page break. Blueblood has requested a private audience with Celestia, and confides in her that he is living the same day over and over. Unsurprisingly, she doesn't believe him, and he is unable to convince her. She recommends that he see her personal physician. There is a second page break, and BB is told by the physician that there is nothing wrong with him. After a third page break, he is being examined by some sort of magic specialist, who again assures him that there is nothing wrong. The specialist asks if he wouldn't rather be attending the Gala, and Blueblood tells him where he can stick it.

Another page break. Blueblood awakens to the sound of Equestria Girls by Sapphire Shores on his clock radio incidentally, are clock radios a thing in MLP? It's not really an issue as long as the author maintains a consistent setting, but I'm curious if it's a detail that occurred to him. I know they have phonographs, but I'm not sure if anything like radio broadcasts canonically exist.

He summons his servants as usual, but this time he decides to try talking to them a little. He asks them their names, and learns that they are called Light Touch and Sandy. Sandy doesn't talk much; it's not clear if she's mute or just shy.

Page break. Fast forward to the Gala, which he has decided to attend tonight. Whatever negative impression the mystery mare he keeps mentioning might have made on him during his first Gala experience, he seems inclined to try interacting with her again tonight. We still don't have a name for her, however.

>She look the part.
She looked the part. I haven't made a big deal out of it, but I've noticed a couple of minor errors like this here and there. For the most part the author's mechanics seem pretty good, so I'm assuming these are mostly typos. Everyone makes mistakes, so it's not really on the author; however, it reflects rather poorly on his editor.

BB observes Twilight Sparkle hanging around Celestia, and wonders cynically if she's hoping to achieve some kind of status boost by doing this. He then turns his attention to the mystery mare, and we finally get a name for her - Rarity.

>>327799
>I was always taught that the latter method was correct: if someone's name ends in 's', you add a trailing apostrophe to make it a possessive. However, I looked it up, and it seems I've been doing this wrong for about 30 years. The trailing apostrophe only applies if the noun in question is plural

The way you learned it applies only if both the name and the object adjoin with 's':
>the iris' striations
>Hitchens' shark
>the meme Loss' suitability

Perhaps I got it wrong, but the way English is, double-s is okay but three or more is a no-go (there's the last example, but that's how the words are structured). Quite interesting.

I think I was the one who suggested this fic way back when, but it's awkward to check now. Anyway, I hope this is a good palate cleanser. There's another GHD-inspired fic where Twilight fights off changelings, but I find Best Night Ever to both be better-written and have less le edge.

>>327899

>Rarity was demurely mingling on her own, but he could see her keeping a discreet eye on him. Not particularly caring just how much his decision would end up bringing ruin to the Gala, Blueblood graced her with a small, polished smile. Excusing himself, he headed for the rose bushes. It would just be a few minutes, and then he'd "catch" her coyly sniffing a rose, and use it to introduce himself. Just like before.
>If the Gala wanted to screw with him, he could screw with the Gala.
So far, I feel like my assessment of Blueblood's response to the situation is pretty spot-on. It's reasonable to assume that he would have figured out he's in a time-loop by now, but his calm acceptance of the situation so far doesn't seem believable to me.

Anyway, page break.

>It had proven harder than he thought. In his heart, he wanted the Gala to be a success. He wanted the power and prestige of being patron to successful cliens.
This is the second time I've come across the word "cliens" in the text. At first I assumed the author had meant to say "client" and that this was a typo, but the fact that this spelling appears twice suggests that it was intentional. Google keeps autocorrecting it to "client" and hasn't yielded anything helpful so far. It's possible that this is just some archaic or non-English spelling that I'm not familiar with (Blueblood strikes me as the kind of guy who might pretentiously throw French words into everyday conversation, so maybe this is in character for him). It sounds like it might be Latin or something. I'm curious to know if this is a real word or not.

>At the least, however, he wanted to not have to lament the disaster to come, yet it was always there in the back of his mind.
At times it seems like he's more concerned about the Gala than he is about being trapped in a loop. This also doesn't quite feel believable to me. If he knows nothing that happens tonight is going to matter tomorrow, what does he care what happens to the Gala? This guy's defining character trait so far is that he's completely self-absorbed, so I'd think his first concern would be his own situation.

>Contrary to what he had expected, being around Rarity didn't make it easier. It made it harder.
I'll bet it did. Wakka chicka wokka chicka.

>Despite being his charming self and having quite a little fun at her expense, the mirth of watching her expression fall as he took the rose she had clearly expected him to give her for himself... and then her ruining her dress with that spill... and then making her pay for that carnival food, which he ate just for the fun of following through... on repeat, it was all so stupidly hollow. Two days ago, he had been laughing inside at what he could put her through. Now it was already stale as rotten millet.
It's possible I'm too much of a stickler about this, but I really do think it's best to write fanfiction as if your reader has no foreknowledge of the universe your story is based on. Case in point:

>he took the rose she had clearly expected him to give her for himself... and then her ruining her dress with that spill... and then making her pay for that carnival food, which he ate just for the fun of following through...
Anyone who has seen the S1 finale knows this story: Rarity meets Blueblood and assumes he's going to be a gallant gentleman, but his treatment of her throughout the evening proves otherwise, ultimately causing her to lose her shit and throw cake at him (or something; it's actually been awhile since I've watched it and I don't remember all the details). From the way he's portrayed in the episode, we get the impression that BB is merely insensitive; here, though, the author has taken it a step further and is implying that he was intentionally being a dick to Rarity for keks. It's an interesting direction, but the problem here is that if the reader hasn't seen the episode of the show that this story is based on, he doesn't know exactly what's going on.

Even though most of the story so far has revolved around the events of the Gala, we've actually witnessed very little of what actually happened. This isn't bad in and of itself; usually you'll want to allude to important events and foreshadow them a little before actually delving into them. However, the problem here is that the author is directly referencing something he hasn't shown us yet, but seems to be assuming that we know what happened. You have to be careful about stuff like this. Even though it's probably a safe bet that someone reading an MLP fanfiction would have seen the S1 finale, you should still assume that they haven't for the purposes of writing your story. Ideally, a story should be completely self-contained; any information about your setting or your characters that your reader needs to know in order to understand what's going on should be presented to them somewhere in the text.

In the case of these interactions between Blueblood and Rarity, it would have been better for the author to have walked us through these events in real time, rather than recapping them after the fact the way he's doing here. From what he's written, we only get a hint of what happened: Blueblood took a rose from Rarity, spilled something on her, and made her buy him food. If we don't need to know any more about these events than this basic outline then this is fine, but it feels to me like the author is just skipping over the details of these moments because he assumes we've all seen the episode and thus already know what happened. Again; my view is that this is a bad writing habit to fall into. Even if we actually know what happened, strictly speaking we don't know, because the author hasn't told us yet.

Anyway, the scene ends on a rather ambiguous note. The Gala ends in disaster as usual (apparently), with animals charging in and so forth. At one point, Blueblood is again pelted with cake, though he doesn't seem to mind it this time around.

>>327999

Page break. We rejoin Blueballs in yet another iteration of the Gala. I'm not 100% certain, but it seems that several more iterations have passed during the ether-space between subchapters. Not wanting to deal with Rarity at all this time around, he has retreated to the Wonderbolts' VIP lounge.

A couple of Wonderbolts approach Blueblood and strike up a conversation. He seems depressed and not in much of a mood to talk to them, but he goes along with it. The two introduce themselves as Spitfire and Soarin', and ask him what he thought of their performance. He answers that it "did the job," and Spitfire is rather taken aback by the bluntness of his response. Sensing that there was something about the performance he didn't care for, she continues pressing him, until Soarin' changes the subject.

Some photographers interrupt them, asking if they wouldn't mind wrapping up their conversation because there are some guests outside that would like to have their picture taken with the Wonderbolts. Blueblood shoos them away, which Soarin' and Spitfire appreciate. The two Wonderbolts confess that they hate these sorts of parties, and ask Blueblood if he would like to come hang out with them. Presumably they are going to get high and have a threesome.

Page break. Apparently, the group caused quite a scandal by leaving the party early, but all three of them are important enough to get away with it, so nobody questioned them. They are now at a dive bar somewhere in Canterlot.

>Canterlot was a clean city, but there were more than a few ways to get truly dirty out here.
This feels like it should be the tagline to the softcore-cable-porn movie version of this story.

>There also weren't any servants or guards to call on... unless one counted the two Wonderbolts themselves, both of which had at least some military training.
Both of whom had some military training.

Anyway, it looks like ol' Blueballs is hitting it off with Soarin' and Spitfire. He balks about how low-brow and seedy the place is, but they're basically just in the middle-class part of town; the "dive" seems to be Equestria's version of an Applebee's or something.

They get their drink on for awhile, and Blueballs gets to know the two Wonderbolts a little. He finds himself feeling slightly jealous of their exciting lives, which differ significantly from the pampered world he grew up in.

>A cyan blue pegasus in a Gala dress had somehow managed to talk – or bull – her way inside. She was Spitfire's size and body type, but clearly a few years younger. Her dress – a rainbow colored affair – had gotten dirty from the descent from Castle to Canterlot, the billowy white clouds behind her now streaked with bits of brown and black.
I know I've said it several times already, but I really do appreciate the way the author has been treating the M6 like background characters so far, and introducing them to us the way that Blueblood would see them. I will probably continue to drive this point home at various points throughout this review, because I've noticed a lot of authors feel compelled to focus their story, or at least parts of it, around the M6, even if the M6 aren't central to it (Peen Stroke was particularly bad about this as I recall). Remember: just because someone is a major character in the franchise your story is based on, it doesn't mean they have to appear in your story or be given an important role.

Anyway, Soarin' and Spitfire recognize the newcomer, though they don't seem well-acquainted with her. They identify her as Rainbow Dash. They seem to view her as something of an annoying fangirl, but they invite her to join them anyway.

Blueblood is still having a bit of difficulty reconciling his natural snootiness with his desire to cut loose and enjoy himself, but he navigates the conversation well enough. Along the way, he learns that Rainbow Dash is one of the Elements of Harmony, a "pet project" of his Aunt's that he is only cursorily familiar with. He wonders briefly if the Elements might be able to help him with his ketchup problem, and makes a mental note to look into it later.

>Blueblood's attention wandered for a bit as Dash regaled two of her idols with chatter about Rain Booms and chasing lightning and exotic weather phenomenon.
Exotic weather phenomena.

Anyway, they keep talking. BB mostly sits back and enjoys the perverse thrill of blending in with commoners, and then he is suddenly called upon to tell a story of his own. For a moment I found myself wondering if he was going to end up putting his hoof in his mouth and ruining the evening, but he manages to find the right anecdote for the occasion. We are given a brief glimpse into an area of this character's life that we haven't seen before:

>"There was one mare, though." He looked longingly at the ceiling. "On the last day down there, she came down to the beach. We talked. Had a few drinks. Ate exotic fruits. Then we swam in the water and made love like Sea Ponies. That..." The Prince of Equestria sighed. "Well... that was a good day. Why couldn't this day... be that day...?"
It's basically just a short anecdote about BB getting laid on the beach, but this is the first hint we've been given that there's more to this guy than being a snooty self-absorbed dick, and the author executes it without hamming it up or making it too dramatic a moment. The scene concludes nicely; there is a subtle implication that Soarin' and Rainbow Dash hook up, and that Blueblood ends up spitroasting Spitfire, but the author leaves it tastefully ambiguous.

>>328000

Page break. Once again, Blueballs awakens to the sound of Equestria Girls by Sapphire Shores. By now he knows the drill, and is unsurprised to discover that he does not have a hangover, nor is there anypony else sleeping in his bed. However, far from being frustrated, he seems to have entered into a kind of manic bliss. He has realized that being stuck in a time loop means that he can pretty much do whatever he wants without suffering any of the natural consequences for his actions. While we are still basically following the plot of GHD, it's interesting to observe that this revelation might have significance for Blueblood that it wouldn't necessarily have had for Bill Murray's character.

Bill Murray's character was a TV weatherman, basically a local celebrity who could throw his weight around in his hometown but wasn't considered anyone special anywhere else. Blueblood, by contrast, is the Prince of an entire kingdom (or Princessdom, or whatever you want to call it). While Bill Murray's character might have had to deal with getting recognized as a TV personality from time to time, it still wasn't out of the question for him to frequent bars and such. However, Blueblood would presumably have been brought up in the Canterlot court, and would have probably led a rather stifling life so far. This is evidenced in the previous scene, in which he is clearly thrilled at the prospect of visiting a "low-class dive" read: basically an Equestrian Applebee's where middle-class poners might go to have an appletini after work.

The opportunity to cut loose and have fun, without having to deal with any of the social and/or legal consequences, would be thrilling for nearly anyone to some degree, but for Blueblood it ought to be doubly so. It could potentially add a fun dimension to his character, and provide an opportunity for the author to deviate from the script a little and have some fun himself. We'll see where he goes with it.

Anyway, he summons his servants as usual, but tells them to just give him a light going-over. His carefree attitude seems to be infectious; the servants seem to find his new relaxed demeanor a refreshing change of pace.

Page break. His chipper mood continues as he sits down to breakfast. He compliments Celestia on the sunrise; she seems pleasantly surprised to see him in this mood. This exchange is kind of interesting:

>"Tea, with milk and ginger. Nothing else. I'm going out this morning."
>"You are?" This time, to his surprise, the question came from Luna.
>It was also spoken more than a little loudly.
>"We mean," she repeated, more quietly. "You are?" The dark alicorn gave him a curious look. "You never did so before."
The meaning of Luna's remark here is a little ambiguous. She might simply be expressing surprise that he would deviate from his usual morning routine; however, taken differently, it could imply that she somehow knows what's going on, and is curious about his sudden change of behavior from previous loops. This might be foreshadowing, or it might be me reading too much into something. However, in either case, he doesn't seem to take any notice of her remark.

Page break. We once again skip forward to the Gala. It seems that the Prince has been rather busy during his downtime in the morning. He arrives in some sort of ostentatious "stretch carriage," with none other than Sapphire Shores as his date.

>A step behind her, Blueblood reveled in the scene he was making. Gone was the proper dinner suit. Instead, his flanks scintillated with rhinestones, the silver spurs on his cowboy boots jingling. He'd expressly purchased the most gaudy, tacky, inappropriate and expensive ensemble within a thousand miles. A blue silk scarf and cowboy hat completed the utterly atrocious look.
Damn, if only we were still reading FoE; I could have made so many gay jokes here.

Anyway, the fancy-pants, hoity-toity Gala crowd which no doubt includes both Fancy Pants and Hoity Toity is appropriately scandalized by the Prince's rather overblown entrance. Naturally, this was the whole point; however, Blueblood takes it a step further and proposes marriage to Sapphire Shores. She accepts, and they make out in the middle of the Gala.

Page break. Incidentally, I'd be remiss in my duties if I didn't observe that this author uses page breaks as liberally as both kkat and soulpeener before him, maybe even more so. This guy also makes rather liberal use of time skips, a-la-kkat. However, it works much, much better here. Part of this is because this author's microscenes are all concise episodes that begin and end appropriately, and make sense on their own. Also, unlike FoE, each microscene has clear relevance to the overarching plot, and the blocks of time that are skipped over don't seem to contain anything particularly important (other than the one I called attention to earlier). The other part is that this story is more intentionally surreal than FoE, so this sort of time-skipping fits the style a little better.

Anyway, the last two subchapters are just short little mini-episodes that each briefly cover some outlandish thing he does during a different iteration of the morning.

During one iteration, he orders a massive feast for breakfast, and he and Celestia end up stuffing themselves to capacity. Luna seems to perceive this as a sad cry for attention, and tells him so.

In the second iteration, he asks Luna what being immortal is like. His reasons for wanting to know should be obvious enough to the reader, but it's significant that he addresses the question to Luna rather than Celestia. Even Celestia seems a bit surprised. I'm getting the distinct impression that Luna is going to factor heavily into the larger plot of this story, and may have something to do with why time is repeating inb4 the whole story turns out to be a dream she gave him.

Anyway, that's the end of the chapter.

>>328001
>That image.
Saved and based. Literally makes me want to set a story in Canterlot that makes use of this geography.

>>328001
That pic is the kind of worldbuilding I love.
Not "Hurr durr it's so silly that these nonhumans built their capital city on a mountain. Like, what do they eat and how do they get food up there? How can a city that's purely buildings survive without nearby farms? What if an earthquake makes them fall off?"
No, it decides the real Canterlot is bigger than what we're shown in the show, its elevated position makes it great for air travel and airship travel, and while it doesn't flesh everything out with dedicated districts it does enough with that "Set of sea ports but for airships, an air-port if you will" to establish where the food comes from.
As for the story I can't think of anything clever to say about it yet.
I hope the story's going somewhere with Luna and doesn't just use her for bronybait pandering.
If anyone would know what it's like to be less popular than Celestia it's her, and I can't imagine a twat like Blueblood is all that popular with those who know the real him in-universe.

Hey this story's shit and has three million views https://www.fimfiction.net/story/45860/diaries-of-a-madman

Just kidding it has over three million words.

I swear, Bronies have too much time on their hands.

>>328063
>shit
It's better than Fallout Equestria.
>3 million views
It's 65 thousand views.
<half remembered/forgotten read of the story
>Before revision ie firstish edition
Whiny bitch gets fucked over, grows a pair stops being whiny bitch, then loses it. Then gets fucked over and does fuckery.
>Another revision or seven
Dunno
>After revision of beginning.
Gets fucked over, does some fuckery, repeat forever.
Good news plot progression.

Would I recommend? It's hard to say on one hand it has world building and lore building and character fuckery.
On the other hand it's 3 million words and growing.
Oh also
>Rape
Also losing things, friends, virginities, attempted pseudo incest, body parts being lost, new body parts, dickery, cuntery, assholery, slaves, ect ect ect. It's a cluster fuck of a world. It works.
It's almost like /mlp/ and the degradation that can happen paired with regenerative effects.
It's hard to break up the story into separate stories, but there are arcs and certain happenings that make for clear divisions in is story structure.
It's still on going. So good job with the effort and keeping on going I suppose...
Problem is sometimes it just keeps on going. Where reading a summery of events of the chapter is more fun sometimes.

With an average chapter length of 15k to 16k (swings from 7k to 30k per chapter mostly 10k or 20k). 212 chapters.
Very read able. Also has a version without the sex scenes.
>>328001
/)

>>328074
Yeah that's the joke I made. It has more words than views.

>>328094
Oh hey my id changed

Do you think this author does a good reason of deciding the reason this character is disliked, and keeping control of it?

I don't think I did, when I wrote my own story. My goal was to make him an obnoxious arrogant foolish showoff who struggles to emotionally connect with others and isn't as smart as he thinks he is. Bonding with and learning from the mane six would make him grow. But I gave him too many flaws and not enough scenes where characters hate him because of his flaws. Was there even a single scene where a canon character gets pissed off at him for being a disrespectful twat who thinks he knows better than everyone else? Or a scene where his character flaws drive a wedge between himself and others?

It reminds me of FE, where the closest Littlepip ever gets to any consequences for being a narcissistic thieving murderhobo who sees fit to decide who lives and dies and feels entitled to take anything she wants to take including lives and roles and valuable objects is this one scene where her waifu calls her a faggot on the radio for slaughtering Arbu and that other scene where a filly from Arbu recognizes LP and flees only to be gunned down by an Enclave cunt, becoming ash LP carries around in a bottle like a piss jar. Ironically while she literally carries that filly in the form of that jar she doesn't metaphorically carry her in the form of metaphorical weight. She doesn't carry that weight. She doesn't bear the burden of remembering every face she killed and every friend she lost. Losing Steelhooves the first time (falling off the ship) and the second time (death) meant nothing to her. Her enemies are not memorable interesting characters to pity, they are disposable NPCs who mwahahaha until they are killed, sometimes they have names but they are always written to be capital-E Evil second and any actual kind of character third or fourth because for Kkat sucking cock always comes first.

You'd think a fag so obsessed with RPGs would make each of his 3 villains or perhaps even all primary characters represent the stereotypical Character Alignments. Lawful Good, Lawful Evil, Chaotic Good, Chaotic Evil, and neutral variants of the four. ...come to think of it that reminds me of the Political Compass.
I guess you could read the three villains as incredibly shallow takes on the three Evil alignments.
Goddess Trixie is Chaotic Evil because she goes mwahahaha the loudest and her alicorns are such evil dumb cunts, one of them wears Luna's skull as a necklace.
Red Eye is Lawful Evil because his ebil(tm) bad slaver empire forces people to be orderly or some shit because muh order (except the boss secretly wants to *rolls dice* become a god by absorbing the hero and some NPC because the author's too leftist to truly depict a genuine authoritarian despot in a negative light)
And then the Enclave is Neutral Evil because it is just bad with no strong opinions on law or chaos one way or another. Just a shallow nonsensically structured genocidal self-interested force determined to exterminate the entire surface world for pissing it off by blowing up whoever the fuck from the Enclave was in Trixie's house when Xigger blew it up.
So shallow and boring... and what of the other primary characters?
Who can be called Chaotic Neutral or Lawful Good in this random story where a stream of shit just happens?
What alignment is that Mayor who hated LP, had his career harmed by not liking LP, and gave away a nuke to Red Eye even though he only had it thanks to LP?
It's not as if any meaningful inter-party conflict is ever spurred on by a difference in opinion on the best kind of good in the typical cliche fantasy setting or a more intellectual philosophical disagreement on what good is and isn't. The heroes all kill with their guns except when Velvet pretends to never kill or dislike killing when she does it, no hero has anything against killing or stealing or torture or cold-blooded murder or genocide, these "characters" are like cardboard cutouts. Or mindless videogame NPCs that follow the player avatar around and have no distinct personality that matters outside of optional skippable cutscenes like "Designated softie whines when you do something cruel" or "Velvet makes you detox and get your crack mint addiction cured so instantly and effortlessly you're left wondering why Pinkie or any other char never tried this".

...I got distracted there but fuck FE and fuck every coombrained brony who considers it the best story they ever read.

>>327899
Seems like bullshit that Blueblood hasn't yet tried the old "You, quick, think of a password! No, a series of passwords! And if I know them all because you told them to me yesterday it means I'm in a time loop and you need to help me break out of this... after you help me exploit the hell out of this for personal gain!" trick.
Celestia could make him say an increasingly funny series of passwords each time he relives the day.

https://www.wordsense.eu/cliens/
turns out cliens is a word but I'm not sure if it's used correctly.

>>328208
>I don't think I did, when I wrote my own story. My goal was to make him an obnoxious arrogant foolish showoff who struggles to emotionally connect with others and isn't as smart as he thinks he is.
Sorry, I don't mean to be mean but, really? Maybe, you're right and but like I just don't really believe that's what happened. That might be what your aim with your story turned into.
>...I got distracted there but fuck FE and fuck every coombrained brony who considers it the best story they ever read.
*Sighs* I don't comment on these things anymore because your tenacity has beaten me, and I suppose I can't fault you for being passionate, but this senstence reveal that your totally aware of the fact that what you posted was irrelevant to the thread, yet you stilled did it. The Fallout Equestria thread is over. It's okay if you make a comparison with the current fic and F:E but this is clearly just a rant about F:E. If you want to post rants about F:E either make your own thread about it or post in the writefag one. While the writefag thread isn't really about reviews, it's more about planning to write something or writing something; I'd rather see these musings of yours there than here. At least that thread is more general in terms of what it is about, here it just doesn't belong.

>>328268
>here it just doesn't belong.
Unless, it's a comparison to the current fic, as mentioned before, or a direct question to GG since, he reviewed the piece in the first place.

>>328269
Those examples are related to this fic.
The author is careful not to make Blueblood an unlikeable cunt, except during scenes where he is supposed to be a bit of a twat, but never too annoying.
LP was supposed to be a noble hero with only one moment where she """became corrupted kindness""", but she was actually that level of narcissistic entitled thieving murderhobo for the entirety of her adventure. She dragged others into conflicts they didn't want, and eventually caused the Enclave to want the entire Wasteland "Cauterized" by fulfilling her "bomb the Goddess" mission at the worst possible moment (when Enclavers were in the blast zone). Her whole world was a shallow mess of stolen half-baked ideas, and at the core of it, there was a fundamentally nonfunctional protagonist.

>>328287
>Those examples are related to this fic.
Come on dude. Are you telling me that these paragraphs were you rant on about F:E without making even one reference to this fic as a way to tie them together are actually related to each other?

>>328291
Is tone-policing me relevant to the fic?

>>328292
You can't just post whatever you want in whatever thread. Stop making this personal. I haven't made this personal. You're just the only one that does this in this thread.

>>328293
Oh, but you're wrong. Not only can he, but he will. There was once a staff member who tried to hold him to account, with blessings from other staff; alas, he was blackballed for the same staff-supported holding to account. But thats just aside.
>>328292
Nigel, swede-bro is telling you to knock the shit off. He's been your most supportive poster, dont go burning bridges. He's not wrong either, especially if youve made all the progresses youve claimed (lifting, eating,... whats moderated posting compared to that?). Also, Im going in reverse order, so I can cross reference what you said later versus what you said earlier.
>>328291
You sound naively surprised
>>328287
And youre still talking about FoE. If you wanna post about FoE, go back to the ladt thread and post there.
Of course you wont, cuz for you its all about the attention, isnt it?
>>328269
Again, this is in reverse, but this should all be well established and not cause surprise; Ive deliberately goaded him into showing his hand how many times?
>>328268
>>your totally aware of the fact that what you posted was irrelevant to the thread, yet you stilled did it.
Do I need to reemphasize that this is not an anomaly and rather that it fits with a well established pattern of behavior?

>>328296
Yeah, Ninjas I don't really know what to say. When I think about it, you're right. For some reason I expected this to blow over quickly but you're right that that's weird of me to expect. Like, he would just go, "Oh, my bad," and then we'd move on.
Idk, maybe could had started of my correction post better instead of litterally writing, "*Sighs*" but tbh, I did sigh. This is such a clear cut example to. If you read the paragraphs that begin with:
>It reminds me of FE...
and
>You'd think a fag so obsessed with RPGs would...
of this post >>328208 , you notice how it has zero to do with The Best Night Ever. He's even talking about dnd alignments.

>>328292
I link this post because it's the foundation for where these next thoughts comes from but I couldn't come up with a elegant way of tying them together with them so I'd just want you to keep them in mind for the rest.

It occured to me, like a month ago or something that, while I don't target Nigel's posts with criticism I certainly feel more "safe" You know what I mean. in doing so than somebody else because it's unlikely that anyone will come to his aid rather, it's likely that toher anons will join in in that criticism. However, that doesn't mean that I criticised him for appeal, or I'd don't like to think anyway, rather that when he does something I don't like it takes shorter time for me to decide if I'm gonna criticise him or not.

So as I became aware of this I tried to reign myself back a bit.

Here's the grub though, this post: >>328292 . It doesn't matter if I'm an anti-Nigelist or not because you (Nigel) are posting posts where they don't belong. You need to fix this.

Your speculations regarding where the villain factions in F:E belongs on the alignment chart has nothing to do with this thread, do they? No, they don't.

>>328381
And as I always say Nigel. I like you and no hard feelings but when it comes to this, you suck.

>>328381
>Like, he would just go, "Oh, my bad," and then we'd move on.
To be fair that has happened in the past.

Sorry guys, my bad.

>>328386
No problem bro.

>>328381
Fwiw, the purpose behind my criticisms of Nigel arent about writing, or appeal, or anything of the sort. The reality is, Nigel and I have ALOT in common, the main difference being age. I have had many individuals operate on me in precisely the capacity I operate on him. And for many years, I responded in very much the same capacity he has.
What their insistence helped me to realize was that the negative consequences I experienced - conclusively from outside individuals who I was wont to ascribe all manner of malevolent intent - was in fact people trying to be able to relate to me, and being unable to because I was stubborn and uncompromising. And what was I doing to inspire consequences?
Sperging out and being disrespectful.
Am I saying Nigel is wilfully disrespectful? No, but yes. Hes not being deliberately disrespectful, but he does act deliberately in a manner that is disrespectful. And honestly, thats the only issue Ive ever had with him. Im not trying to break him down, Im trying to break his ego down. Believe it or not, I want the best for him too.
Perhaps Im a little too willing to be an asshole about it, but hes got a thick skin and skull xp
I did say, we have ALOT in common
>>328386
Thank you for this acknowledgement, I feel I have been heard.

>>328381
Ninjas did not deserve to be treated like he was. He kept Niggel from getting out of control, and especially had a hand in keeping that inbred 62IQ braindead asswipe shut the fuck down from shitting up the entire board 62IQ. All the jannies and mods that voted against Ninjas deserve to be placed on a firing line with no blanks. Especially (((You))), fuckward. Either crawl back into the plebshit cesspool (((You))) came out of and never return, or hang yourself, traitor.

>>328386
Stop promising to "do better next time", soygoy. Instead: fuck off for a year. Ditch the gaslighting. Ditch the projection. Ditch the ad hominems. Ditch the self-righteous attitude. Ditch the red herrings. Ditch that over-the-fucking-top (((fursecution complex))). Ditch the (((but it's never m-muh fault, it's always someone else being M E A N to me!!!))) bullshit. Ditch the narutard trash. Ditch the inane blue-versus-orange comparisons. Come back after you've done all that.

tl;dr since your comprehension skills are so massively underdeveloped: improve yourself instead of SAYING THAT YOU WILL IMPROVE YOURSELF, WITHOUT IMPROVING YOURSELF, LIKE YOU'VE SWORN TO DO FOR TWO COMPLETE FUCKING YEARS NOW. Maybe, JUST MAYBE you won't act like the shitstain waste of ricepaper flesh that you have been.

>>328456
>Ninjas did not deserve to be treated like he was
He quit on his own.

>All the jannies and mods that voted against Ninjas
What vote? There was never any vote; this isn't the Survivor TV show. He just decided to withdraw from the server one day without announcement and then days later messaged one of the mods saying he quit.

While we're on the subject who was that guy who got banned for calling the "We should engage in duels! Nonviolent duels settled through gaming! In call of duty! That will totally prove us right about racism when we totally own people in gaming!" faggot a faggot?
Because that's the most faggoted idea of all time. "The white man's science" is correct, the jew and libtard are wrong and so they get "owned with facts and logic" all the damn time without ever changing their ways because spite against whites motivates them, not innocent ignorance.
To say "Whoever wins this game of Yugioh is right about the rapefugees" would be an insult to everyone ever harmed or killed by rapefugees, because it would mean enabling the left's "flexible" hypocritical view on facts by pretending force and the outcome of a match could change facts.
Whoever got banned for hurting that faggot's feelings wasn't harsh enough.

>>328456
Why are you saging?

>>328481
>To say "Whoever wins this game of Yugioh is right about the rapefugees"
>game of Yugioh
Of all things.
https://pastebin.com/SPzerCrz

I realized reading through that old thread from which this story originate that none of us has change. Fluttershy will forever be a doormat. Niggers will never be functional members of society. I'll always try to be polite but I'll never finish my stories. Ever. Fuuck.

>>328481
Joking aside and while I don't know the context, you're obviously right that one doesn't prove one's opinion the best through some duel in some game.

>>328490
>the best
*is the best*

>>328486
That guy sort of just does that when he's pissed, but you get used to it. When he's pissed words aren't things you put in a sentence to express a point, they're a stream of things he yells because he's pissed. Imagine he's stubbed his toe, and that's why he talks like that until the burning pain goes away.
>>328487
Lol nice shitpost. Seeing Twilight hurt/sad is sad but yugioh becoming that Calvinball-tier clusterfuck is hilarious. This is probably what the uninitiated hear when gamers start talking about WaveShining or Missing The Timing or Stances.
I miss the simplicity of old Yugioh "I set Man Eater Bug and one trap card and end my turn" before it spiralled out of control to become "I play this card that means you can do nothing for the rest of the game, now I special summon half my deck in attack mode and win because I was playing a better more expensive archetype than you, the end, GG, skill issue, shake my fucking hand".
Hey what do you think of this "Groundhog Day but it's BlueBlood at the Grand Galloping Gala" story, anyway?
Personally it bugs me that the author's thought "In a world of magic, getting trapped in time loops would be a rare thing but not an impossible thing" but didn't use that to let him skip the "Maybe I'm just confused or a prank is being played on me" phase.
If the author wanted some "Character stumbles around blindly with the wrong idea until he loses hope and exhausts all options except the right one" buildup, he should have written Blueblood searching for leads and evidence to find out who time-looped him. Then after he exhausts all possibilities (getting closer to EVERY pony involved in the process) he gives up and tries to make the best of his situation while growing as a pony.
Or just starts fucking around like a savescumming Fallout NV player who can SAVE and LOAD away any undesired consequences.

>>328501
I don't know what I feel. I had already seen Groundhog Day before I read this fic, far in the past, or I think I had. Regardless, from my memory it plays out pretty much the same but with ponies. It's essentially an reanactment but with pony puppets from my memory. I don't rememebrhow it ends though so maybe it'll get more intresting.

I thought here, for a moment, and I came to the conclusions that it isn't as I originally thought that I can't get into it because I already know the story but I think that rings false. I have rewatched movies and reread stories that I like.

I think it is that in this reanactment, form what little I remember, Blueblood, our Phillip, or whatever Bill's character is called, doesn't have the same low points. Bill's character has a lot of low points in the story for different reasons but I don't really remember such a low point for Blueblood. Essentially, I think BB will go through the same motions but not make the transition between his different mental stages and development in the story.

For example that scene with the wonderbolts where BB later gets laid is, what I strongly believe, a parallel to a scene in GH where Bill is talking to some guys at a bowling place or whatever. He's down and is talking about "how nothing matters anymore" cause his in a timeloop, right? And one of them is like, "Some look at this glass as half-empty but others as half-full." After this scene Bill decides to drive crazy through town because, why not? He can do whatever he wants without any consequnces is his mindset.

Blueblood is not the same from my limited understanding by only reading the recaps GG provides and also not even all of them. Bill had already commited suicide attempts and stuff to escape this timeloop that forced him to stay in this town he hated but he just woke up the next day. Has BB, at that point in the story even concluded that he is stuck in timeloop like this one? Is he depressed and suicidal? Again, I don't know cause I haven't followed at that well but it doesn't seem that way, right? I he not still pondering if this is some kinda prank? Yet, he comes to the same conclusion as Bill and starts to abuse the situation he is in.

Sorry, that this text is poorly written but gotta do stuff.

>>328504
>but not make the transition between his different mental stages and development in the story.
This sentence should end on the word, "believable."

>>328456
>Especially (((You))), fuckward.
Wait, are you talking to me? I didn't think so at first but I'm unsure of who else you'd be talking to. You probably aren't, either way just fyi, I'm not a mod on this site.

>>328458
Says (((You))), traitor. Sure, no votes, no coherency, no script, "he just quite on his own". Nice lie, except it wouldn't pass teh Turing Test. Keep proudly showing off those marxist simp tokens on how often (((You))) are forced into self-defense so as not to be seen as the biased cuckold centrist that (((You))) are. I'm sure (((You))) are going to receive plenty of soycialism nu-credits soon. Either own your bootlicking actions or surrender, shekelboy. No quarter.

>>328463
You were blackballed. Whether by design from jewtus or others, I fail to see the difference. (((Peer))) pressure is an accomplice, if not a main actor. Thus: don't bullshit me. Likewise, NEVER defend shitstain room temperature IQ traitors. Don't remember me? We talked about this 2 weeks before I made the decision to burn a certain bridge from someone that highly recommended your art numerous times, then burned it again. Willingly. Fuck their (((justification))), fuck the politik shitheels behind the scenes, but most importantly: fuck you if you have the audacity to defend shitty us-vs-them choices stemming from /that/ egotistical cancerous sack of trash.

>>328486
Why? Fuck Niggel for being an inbred anti-everyone-but-me britcunt that never improves himself, always blames others for his own problems, has NEVER held a subjectively moralistic conversation to save his life, and relies on being the "I'z a poor cinnamon roll boohoo woe is me" lying tart. Oh no, EVERYTHING to Niggel is black/white morality, or black/white mentality. It falls on EVERYONE else to prove him wrong, even when he's backed into a corner and can't stop being a cuckbitch.

>>328501
See? Right there, that is your problem: GASLIGHTING ANYONE THAT DOES NOT 100% AGREE WITH YOU, then going on to poison the well! You have not improved one iota, britcuck. Since I am certain that you will never improve yourself, then I now claim here and forever after 100% justification for metaphorically shitting on every single post you make. tl;dr: go hang yourself.

>>328518
No, that was not directed at you. That was a callout to a certain overripe cunt that I thought had already been dealt with, however, said cunt still needs to be excised from this site before he spreads yet more noxious cancer.

>>328521
Yes, yes, I was horribly wronged, maligned, raped, killed, then murdered. Boo hoo. Im talking to myself more than you Im really over it except when it allows me to talk shit on occasion. What I dont get is why (you) seem so passionate about it. Thats curiosity, not negativity.
On the flipside, while I dont match your intensity, Im unironically moved by some of o_O what you have said, so I wont criticize further. Thanks, this post really made my day.
god I hope this formatting works

>>328521
Well, you certainly sound compelling in your arguments.

>>328001

If everyone is done shouting at each other over inconsequential side bullshit, I'll go ahead and continue.

(2)

The chapters here don't seem to have titles, just numbers. I almost miss making fun of kkat's little pseudo-quotations at the beginning of each chapter, but it is what it is. As with the last chapter, this one begins with a short introductory episode that sets the scene.

>"You'll be seeing Rain Booms!
>Ooo-ooo-oooh!
>Equestria Girls, we're kinda magical!
>Boots on hooves, bikinis on top!"
>Blueblood let the radio play.
>He didn't bother with breakfast, either.
It seems that Blueblood is back to being depressed and moody again. If I have any complaints about this story so far, it's mostly that BB's reaction to what's happening to him seems rather inconsistent, and he seems to be shifting between mindsets rather quickly and sporadically. I actually do think that "five stages of grief" business I brought up earlier would work well as a story model, and might help to make BB's actions feel more believable.

Anyway, page break. We rejoin Blueblood in Ponyville, of all places. He is yelling at six unidentified ponies, because he apparently came here searching for the Elements of Harmony and is angry to discover that these ponies don't have them.

>It hadn't taken much to determine the locations and identities of the six mares. Of course, that unicorn had been one of them. Of-freaking-course.
At this point, it would probably be a good idea for the author to go into a little more detail about who "that unicorn" is and why Blueblood seems to dislike her so much. We know she threw cake at him during the first loop of the Gala, but that seems like a rather silly thing to hold such an intense grudge over, even for someone like BB. Also, since her name was given awhile ago, he can probably start calling her "Rarity" now, instead of "that unicorn."

>"Prince Blueblood." Twilight – the egghead of the bunch – was the first to recover her voice. She stood next to a cowering golden pegasus who looked ready to bolt in fright. "Princess Celestia has the Elements now. We can't use them without her giving them to us."
>"No. No. No. No! NO!" he corrected her, pointing accusingly with a shaking hoof. "Do not tell me that. Do not tell me you don't have the bloody Elements. I need YOU –" He pointed at each of them in turn. "– To. BLAST. ME!"
>The six mares all exchanged looks of worry.
>"Hit me with a rainbow! Bombard me with sparkles!" He all but pounded his hoof into his chest. "Drown me in light! Use the magic of Friendship! Do something!"
>The pink one wound her hoof around and crossed her eyes comically. "And ponies call ME crazy!"
>Blueblood screamed.
This is a pretty funny exchange. Remember all of kkat's cringey tryhard jokes, that went on far longer than they needed to and required familiarity with minor events from MLP and/or Fallout 3 in order to make sense? This is pretty much the complete opposite. The humor is drawn from the situation itself rather than relying on outside references, while keeping everyone's behavior in-character. Those familiar with Pinkie Pie can easily visualize how she would say this line, and even someone who has never seen the show could still chuckle at this wacky situation.

Page break. Actually, there are a whole series of page breaks; five in total. Each one consists of a single spoken line, and seems to indicate that the character is rapid-firing through several loops in which nothing significant happens. The overall storyline seems to be that Blueblood tries unsuccessfully to convince Celestia to hand over the Elements of Harmony to him, but is ultimately forced to abandon this strategy.

Page break.

>"At the Gala. At the Gala.
>"At the Gala, in the garden. I'm going to see them all. All the creatures. I'll befriend them at the Gala.
>"At the Gala. All the birdies and the critters. They will love me, big and small. We'll become good friends forever. Right here at the Gala.
>"All our dreams will come true. Right here at the Gala. At the Gala.
>"At the Gala. It's amazing. I will sell them. That you heard of. All my appletastic treats. Yummy, yummy. Hungry ponies. Give us samples. They will buy them. We will buy them. Caramel apples, apple sweets. Gimme some."
>Blueblood mouthed the lyrics to the absurd musical number. He knew it by heart at this point.
We've heard this "musical number" referenced a few times, but this is the first time we've actually seen it. I probably would have put this detailed description of it a little closer to the beginning. This author is better about providing essential information than others we've read, but he still seems to be assuming that anyone reading his text would automatically be familiar with the events of the S1 closer, and thus he does not need to describe them. I would really like to drive home the point that this is a bad habit to get into when writing derivative fiction.

Anyway, Blueballs seems to have reached his "depression" stage. He has now presumably lived through countless iterations of the loop, and no longer believes that there is any solution to the problem. He has adopted a fatalistic view of the world he finds himself in. He watches as the six ponies inexplicably performing a musical number crow about all the things they hope to achieve at the Gala, knowing that none of them are going to actually get what they want. He then ascends to one of the high towers and kills himself.

Another succession of page breaks follows. BB passes through several more iterations, destroying his clock radio at the beginning of each one. No other details of the days in question are given.

Page break, again. Blueblood apparently finds and triggers a magic spell that causes the castle to catch fire and burn. The spell requires a live sacrifice in order to work, and he offers himself. Celestia and her guests can only watch in horror as the conflagration swallows him up, flames licking at his body as he cackles like a madman.

>>328559

It appears that Blueballs was hoping that by destroying the Gala he would end the loop, but it appears that he will have no such luck. A couple more page breaks, a couple more performances by Sapphire Shores. Then, we once again rejoin him at his morning toilet.

He attempts to make conversation with his two servants, but as ever, they are apprehensive about speaking to him. He appears to have tried this a few times before. He briefly considers killing himself again, but realizes that this will simply ensure he'll be in the same position again in a few minutes.

Page break. Blueblood resignedly eats his breakfast. He no longer seems to take any particular joy in experimenting with the situation.

Page break. As an interesting change of pace, we are given a brief glimpse into the private world of Luna, a character who has been mentioned in passing and whose eventual importance has been hinted at, but who hasn't factored into the story that much so far. We see her walking down the hallway after breakfast, reflecting on how she has managed to find a pleasant equilibrium in her life. It is hinted that something tragic has happened in her recent past again, I'm sure we all know what the author is actually talking about here, but I wanted to highlight this because I like the way he approaches writing about it.

Blueblood approaches her, and once again broaches the topic of immortality. Luna gives him the same boilerplate answer she gave the last time he asked this question, but he anticipates this, and gives her response before she can.

This buys him enough of her attention to continue, and he explains his situation. Naturally, nopony believes him, so he rattles off a bit more information that he's picked up during his journey through however-the-fuck-many loops it's been; apparently, Luna is building some kind of horse-drawn Batmobile in the basement of Canterlot Castle, and one of her personal guards likes cock.

>Silence reigned after that, as Luna tried to rationalize her great-great-great nephew, whom she had hardly spoken to in months
To whom she had hardly spoken in months.

In any event, he manages to convince Luna that he isn't just screwing with her, and she agrees to hear him out.

Page break. We rejoin Bluecheese and Luna in an observatory in some seldom-visited wing of the castle.

>The once bare walls were covered in diagrams of the various malleable stellar phenomenon
Malleable stellar phenomena.

Anyway, the author's portrayal of Luna is actually rather interesting. Basically, Luna's "Princess of the Night" gig is interpreted as a creative pursuit, and the Observatory is filled with plans and diagrams of Luna's various projects. She appears to have a number of ideas in the works, from painting a new design on the moon (to replace her face which used to be there) to moving groups of stars around to improve the aesthetics of the night sky. Blueblood seems reasonably impressed.

There's a bit of a jarring transition here. The Prince looks around Luna's observatory and makes some remarks about it, and then suddenly out of nowhere...the two of them appear to be playing darts. It's not an unreasonable activity I guess, but there was no mention of a dartboard in the description of the room, no indicator that they had come up here to play darts, and nothing to segue into the dart game from the description of the room. The two of them are just suddenly playing darts for some reason. It's a bit out of left field.

Anyway, "darts" appears to be a game that pegasi invented and play commonly; he picked it up from hanging out with Soarin' and Spitfire across multiple iterations of the loop. He also seems to have picked up quite a few other handy hoofy? skills over the course of however long it's been. Incidentally, Luna seems completely unfamiliar with the game of darts; Blueblood appears to be teaching it to her. If this is the case, then why would she have a dartboard in her room in the first place?

ANYWAY, the two of them hang out, play darts, and shoot the shit for awhile. They appear to have more in common than either would have expected: they're both nobles, they're both immortal, and they both have difficulty relating to the commoners, but seem to have a latent desire to do so. It also seems that during the ether space between scenes, the two of them spent the day forming a bond and getting to know one another; BB laments that by the next day the loop will have reset, and for all practical purposes it will be like it never happened.

He waxes philosophical for a bit:

>"It's alright," he assured her. "That's just how things are. I said earlier that maybe I was immortal, but maybe the truth is that I'm not even here? When you can't live and you can't die, and nothing you do changes anything around you, can you really say that you exist? I used to laugh at funny questions like that when I was a foal."
I'll admit I've always had a fondness for these "time loop" stories myself, and I've spent a fair amount of time thinking about the weird existential issues they bring up. For instance, what becomes of all the other characters in this world when each loop ends? Do their lives continue onward the next day? If so, does some version of Blueblood continue to exist in that world and behave the way he naturally would? Whenever he kills himself in a loop, does some version of himself die, while his consciousness persists? For that matter, what is consciousness? Is anything real in the first place?

>"You can call us Luna, you know." She sighed, softly. "We would like it if more ponies just called us Luna."
>The Gala was a disaster. Again.
The transition here is rather abrupt; tbh I would probably put a page break between these two lines. Normally I gripe when an author overuses breaks, and his text is divided into obnoxiously tiny microscenes. However, for reasons I've already touched on, in this story it seems to work as a stylistic device.

>>328561

Anyway, they end up staying awake all night and talking about minor, unimportant, fun things, and just generally enjoying each others' company. Interestingly, the implication seems to be that the Prince doesn't actually go to bed, which touches on another odd thing I've always wondered about with these GHD type stories. Here, it seems like as soon as the clock rolls over and it's officially the "next" day, he just suddenly and abruptly wakes up in his bed to the sound of Equestria Girls again.

Page break. Equestria girls are kind of magical. They wear boots on hooves, with bikinis on top. You'll be seeing rainbooms. Etc etc.

Page break. We rejoin Blueblood at an unspecified point in the future and/or the present and/or the past, talking to an old gardener. He appears interested in learning something about the various animals and plants that inhabit the castle grounds. As far as I can tell there is no broader significance to this; he's just taking Luna's advice from the previous scene and using his immortality to broaden his horizons.

Page break. Blueblood is at breakfast, and asks Celestia if she could tell him a bit more about her student Twilight Sparkle. Celestia seems taken aback by his sudden interest, and BB plays it off like he's interested in her for social reasons (or views her as a potential romantic conquest). We also learn that BB and Twi apparently met at some point in the distant past, when they were both very young; not sure if that's going to be important or not. Anyway, Celestia decides to oblige him.

Page break. BB is now at the Royal Academy of Arts and Sciences, basically Canterlot's version of Harvard or Yale or something. He is apparently an alumnus of the school, though it seems this had more to do with his family connections than with his being a particularly bright student.

He visits one of his old professors, a gruff old codger named Whitemane. He informs his former teacher that he has been practicing teleportation, and would like some advanced instruction. Whitemane makes no effort to conceal his lack of faith in his former student's abilities, but grudgingly agrees to help him out when BB mentions the sizable grant he plans on making to the university this year.

Page break. Blueblood is one of three ponies attending a performance by the Canterlot Chamber Orchestra. He observes that the cellist is rather attractive. The relation of this scene in time or space to the previous one is unclear.

Page break. Blueblood is in the middle of a teleportation lesson with Whitemane. Despite his assurances that he has been practicing, Whitemane does not seem impressed with his powers so far. This scene would have made far more sense as a sequel to the previous Whitemane scene; the Orchestra scene feels rather randomly wedged in.

Page break. Blueblood is now in the Royal Gardens at Canterlot, admiring the subtle intricacies of how the various plants are arranged. Actually, scratch that; he's working in the garden.

These scenes are beginning to feel increasingly disjointed, and it's not clear exactly how time is progressing here. That may be intentional on the author's part. In any case, the basic idea seems to be that Blueblood is using his "immortality" to broaden his horizons; rather than sitting around brooding or trying to kill himself to no effect, he seems to be dedicating his endless days to studying various subjects. This whole segment of the text feels a little like a montage; my guess is that this is more or less what the author is trying to mimic. It's been a long time since I've seen GHD, but there is probably a sequence like this that shows Bill Murray using his time to try different things.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fs59YtxkxC4

Anyway, the overall point of this seems to be that Blueblood is improving himself. After a couple more page breaks (nothing significant happens; BB goes to the library in one and manages to somewhat impress Whitemane with his improved teleportation skills in another), we once again join him at breakfast with Celestia and Luna. He remarks that he is looking forward to the Gala tonight, and generously extends an invitation to one of his servants (who plans on proposing to his lady-friend that evening).

Page break. Now he's in Ponyville. It seems he has something big planned.

Page break again.

>Blueblood started with what should have been the easiest of the six. Softly humming the silly little tune these same mares would sing later tonight before the castle gates, the time-looped Prince plotted out just what he had to do. Come hell, high water, or Celestial menopause he would make at least one Gala work. For peace of mind if nothing else, he had to try.
It feels like we're beginning to go off the rails a bit here. Apparently, all of the stuff Blueblood has been doing recently was not just idle self-improvement; his purpose seems to be "making at least one Gala work." Okay, fine; I can see that as a plausible goal for this character and this story. Why, though? Why does this character suddenly care about making the Gala work? Did he care about this before? If not, then what has changed? For that matter, what is even the significance of the Gala?

This author has so far done a much better job of properly building a story than any other author we've looked at. However, he still seems to be banking quite a bit on the reader's assumed familiarity with the MLP episode this is based on. We've heard about the Gala here and there, but we still don't really know anything about it. What is it? Why is it a big deal? How exactly did it go wrong? Why does Prince Blueblood believe that fixing the Gala is the key to exiting the time loop? What led him to this conclusion? Since so much of the story appears to revolve around this event, we really ought to know more about it by now than we do. There is still a lot that the author hasn't told us, but at the same time seems to assume that we would know.

>>328564

>This meant – he was sure of it – dealing with the six Elements of Harmony.
For that matter, we don't know much about the Elements of Harmony either. What are they, exactly? What has the Prince learned about them so far? What reasoning led him to believe that they would be useful here? If they're going to be important, we need to know.

>Miss Rarity would theoretically be the easiest. According to the information he'd gathered, she had gone to the Gala specifically to find him and to fall in love. In the first run through, and quite a few more, he had rather decisively smashed her expectations of the night by being his usual self.
See, this is kind of what I'm talking about. All of this is just fine, but we haven't really witnessed any of it and don't know that much about it. Rarity has thus far only been a minor background presence, even though the author has dropped quite a few hints that she's going to eventually become a major character. We should have witnessed at least some of what he's talking about by now, and gotten some sort of explanation for why these events turned out the way they did.

So far, we only know some very basic things. We know that the Gala is some kind of party taking place on the day that Prince Blueblood is endlessly repeating. We know that the event ends badly, and that there are rampaging critters involved. We also know that Rarity is a pony attending the Gala, and that the evening somehow ends with her getting mad at Blueblood and throwing cake on him, and that (for reasons yet unexplained) Blueblood considers this to be the lynchpin event that causes the Gala to implode.

From these established facts, we can make a few simple assumptions. Rarity appears to have some kind of crush on Prince Blueblood, and Blueblood seems to have treated her thoughtlessly enough that on most iterations of the evening she ends up throwing cake at him, and this somehow triggers a tragic end to the Gala. The Gala itself appears to be an important social event, and presumably the Prince, were he not trapped in a time loop, might have to deal with some of the fallout from this. However, we knew at least this much by the middle of Chapter One; we ought to have quite a few more details sketched in by now, especially if almost the entirety of this story revolves around an endless repetition of this one event.

Up until now, I've been praising the author for the way he's been introducing the M6 characters to us as though they were minor background characters of little importance. I stand by my original assertion that this was well done. Prince Blueblood is a self-absorbed character, he has no evident connection to any of these characters, and thus has no reason to notice them; as such, there's no reason for the author to pay any more attention to them than he would to any other background character. However, if they're going to eventually become important characters, the author needs to fill us in on them as he goes. Prince Blueblood needs to get to know these characters, and we need to see him do it.

It's probably easiest to demonstrate by example. Consider the following two sentences (these are mine; they don't actually appear in the story):

>A quiet, shy-looking yellow mare stood in the corner, pawing tentatively at the ground with her hoof.
>His friend Fluttershy stood in the corner, pawing tentatively at the ground with her hoof.

Both of these sentences would be perfectly acceptable for Fluttershy's first appearance in a story. However, when deciding which one to use, you'd want to first consider two things:

1. Is Fluttershy going to be an important character in the story?
2. Does the character observing Fluttershy know who she is already?

If Fluttershy does not factor into the story and your protagonist does not know her, then Fluttershy can and should remain "the quiet yellow mare" for the entire duration of your text; we don't need to know who she is any more than we need to know the name of Background Pony #426. If your protagonist knows Fluttershy already, you might want to use her name when describing her, but if she's not going to be an important character, you shouldn't bring her up any more often than you need to.

However, if Fluttershy is initially a stranger to the protagonist but becomes an important character later, you need to first introduce us to her as a stranger, but gradually fill her in as the protagonist gets to know her. She might be "the quiet yellow mare" initially, but as time progresses we should gradually learn her name, as well as as whatever parts of her biography the reader needs to know, regardless of whether or not the reader would reasonably have this information already due to Flutters being a major character in the show. This author has done a good job on the first part of this, but is unfortunately beginning to fudge the second.

In this case, we have Rarity, a major character in the show and (presumably) a major character in this story. At the beginning of the story, Prince Blueblood has little connection to her; she is an apparent stranger with whom he has had a single unpleasant encounter. Thus, it is appropriate for him to refer to her as "that unicorn" or "that unpleasant mare" or something to that effect. However, by now it's becoming clear that Rarity is going to become a major character, so the author needs to begin moving her storyline to the front burner. The reader needs to be introduced to her through Blueblood's eyes. Who is she? More importantly, how does she appear to Blueblood? How does she treat him? How does he treat her? We need to see it; just because he's writing a derivative work doesn't mean the author gets to shirk his duties and let the show handle his exposition for him. Even when dealing with well-known events, a story still needs to be able to stand on its own as a self-contained work.

>>328568
Also the author's gay for just choosing teleportation and gardening. There are many spells you could learn in a time loop. Blueblood should be prioritizing ones that can get him out of horrible situations and create good situations like portals teleportation transformation and bullshit weather phenomena. Give the gala nice weather. Learn to summon animals so you can summon ones that like Fluttershy and won't flee into the Gala. Give Pinkie a summoned dog toy to distract her. Get Twilight to walk around with you by offering her a chance to speak to Celly in private after the Gala then have Twilight fix every problem that comes up during the gala if you can't fix it. Impress her with your magic knowledge while getting more magic info out of her. Let Rarity down gently and respectfully with a "I'm not ready for a serious relationship with anypony as I am still recovering from a bad breakup, maybe some other time". Buy whatever food from AJ ends up fucking shit up at any given time because if it's in your stomach it can't be thrown at you or however that night went.

>>328586
>There are many spells you could learn in a time loop. Blueblood should be prioritizing ones that can get him out of horrible situations and create good situations like portals teleportation transformation and bullshit weather phenomena.
That's a relatively minor issue. Part of what I like about this author so far is that he by and large resists the temptation to get pulled off on crazy "If I were in a time loop what would I do?" or "how could the Grand Galloping Gala have been fixed?" tangents, and focus on what the story is really about, which is the growth arc of the main character. He even specifically mentions in the author's note at the beginning that this is what he was trying to do.

Presumably, Blueblood learns quite a few things during however many loops he goes through, as does Bill Murray in GHD. However, they are not all catalogued or gone over in detail; the author just gives us a few quick examples to show that BBwas spending his time learning things. This will most likely pave the way for future scenes in which he will have skills or knowledge beyond what his character could reasonably be expected to possess were he not stuck in a time loop. The author has given his character a reasonable amount of leeway to pull oddball talents out of his ass in future scenes, as long as he doesn't go overboard with it.

>>328568
Apparently this fic has a sequel titled "This Platinum Crown" which, though unfinished, has reached a staggering word count of 887,118. Even if it was first published in 2012 and had its last chapter published in 2019 it still surpasses Fallout: Edgequestria which "only" reached 620,295 words.

Anyway, I've little to offer in the analysis of the current work so I'll get back to lurking. Keep up the good work Glimmy, it is always a pleasure to read your reviews.

>>328594
>Proving to Luna that his telling the truth
>Them playing darts
>Why his teching her
>I haven't seen GHD in a while.
My sugguestion is that you do that because then you'll see the story with my eyes.
For example after Bill convinces his love intrest, Rita or whatever, about the fact that he is stuck in a timeloop, she stays with him and plays darts through the night. He teaches her how to. He stays awake and yet, when the days over he wakes up by the alarm at six as if he had just slept.

Another obeservation you'll share with me if you do that is that you're on chapter two now but if you compare this story to the movie, we're actually at the begining of the third act. This stuff about learning skills to make the big social event of the night be a success is the climax of the film, or you know making the day successful is.

Which makes me both wonder if there will be originality in the later chapters or if the pacing will just slow down since if we follow GHD's script, we're at our endgame now.

I also don't like how BB is just gonna help Rarity all of a sudden. Have I missed something? Is there a scene were he comes to the conclusion that he was a jerk towards her and that he needs to change himself? As you very well put:
> Okay, fine; I can see that as a plausible goal for this character and this story. Why, though? Why does this character suddenly care about making the Gala work? Did he care about this before? If not, then what has changed?

>Fanfics should be self-contained
Here's where we'll have to disagree, I'm afraid. I do agree that it would be jarring to follow BB around and his inner monologue in the narration. He doesn't know them and while this is third person perspective, it's clear that we're limited to our mc's perspective. The third person perspective is not omniscent.

It's the second part of this, where you go wrong. Fanfictions are not independent works of art. You can write them like so if you want but I won't. Nobody is gonna come around and read an mlp fanfic without knowing at least the basics of the universe. They wouldn't be fans if they didn't. Yes, there has probably been someone who has done this. But fuck that guy. I don't want summaries of the series events and such when I already know the context. Yes, if something obscured is brought up that's nice. Being in a timeloop where I relearn everything I already know, isn't. It is pain.

Not the same Sven as the one above btw.

>>328594
You're right. I was comparing this story to "Chunin Exam Day", a popular Naruto fanfic in which Naruto gets trapped in a time loop that resets every time he fails the exams or dies.

It starts off using the limits of the time loop to limit his growth, as any results from physical exercise during one loop go away during the next, and whenever he wants a teacher to teach him something he has to spend time during the loop actually convincing that guy to help.

Then it plays with the idea of a power boost by giving out one that makes him stronger while fucking up his control over his magic and body, plus he has to hide his newfound ears and tail with magic if he doesn't want his retarded hometown to panic and try to kill him.

But then it goes off the rails and starts jacking off the main character shockingly quickly, letting him ignore all downsides of the powerboost and get a harem that timeloops with him, and get all sorts of OP skills just for the sake of having them. By the end of it they're not even trying to become Chunin any more, they're just fucking with everyone and the world.

Some of the worldbuilding is good (justifying why magical ninjas would work for the cash of normal-ass magicless rich people instead of ruling the world solo, through the introduction of magic-immune samurai and element-bending monks loyal to the rich people, justifying the ninja magic tricks taught to all beginners as the only ones that work reliably against these guys)

and some of the worldbuilding is taking the piss (There's a Kishimoto clan full of inbred poisonous retards who ruin whatever they touch. They're also Uchiha fanboys who share the same last name as Naruto's actual author Masashi Kishimoto, a Uchiha fanboy. There's also a Rowling family with the power to make themselves and everyone around themselves confused about who their friends and foes are. Because Dumbles in JK Rowling's Harry Potter is such a manipulative cunt, countless readers hated him even if they can't pin down exactly why. I could post a huge-ass off-topic rant about why I think that is but I think that would be off topic.)

Chunin Exam Day also engages in "Character bashing" (Having characters berate a character for sucking) which I'm not a fan of. Especially since a lot of character-bashing authors exaggerate how awful a character they dislike is, sometimes to such an absurd degree that this story's take on the character has nothing in common with who the character actually is.

This story takes fucking with Sasuke and Sakura, this franchise's two most loathed characters, to such a degree that many people who hate these characters (myself included) think it goes way too far.

I know "I don't like character bashing" a funny thing for me to say since I wrote that Glim scene and everything, but I'm too old for that childish stuff now. I see my "It's okay because she really is this shit and someone has to say it plus I need her out of Ponyville for the story to work" justification doesn't change the fact that Glim as a character comes out of nowhere and has no relevance to the story beyond this scene, plus a newcomer would have no idea who she is and her critics already hate her while her fans already love her despite everything. Plus it's bad for my story's pacing. I should either make Glimmer a part of this story that matters or take her out of it completely, same with the magic school and divershitty six and other shit I don't like.

In Chunin Exam Day there's an ending twist where during a designated "Let's just fuck around" timeloop the Ninja President in charge of anything gets berated for failing at life and not noticing how awesome Naruto has become, then the president decides "Fuck it, Naruto's promoted to Chunin now, also I quit" and this instantly breaks the time loop. It's played for laughs and there's a bit where one of the girls who just finished a dangerous experiment is told the loops are over now, and goes "Oh fuck I actually could have just died for real".

I guess it's funny but wouldn't it have been funnier if the story ended with the heroes permanently fucking themselves and their world up by being too detached from the possibility of meaningful consequences?
Sure they'd be stronger than when the loops started but that would be bittersweet if the rest of the world hated them for doing some "prank" that went way too far.

Bonus points if a mind-reader could peek into their minds and vomit at the shit he sees before telling everyone, ruining their reputation.
It could work as a deconstruction of the idea that time loops equal character growth and are therefore always a good thing.
Naruto and pals end up with everything they THINK they ever wanted (fame, money, power) but none of what they actually wanted (the respect of others, friendship, a purpose in life).

Then again an ending like that might make those who started reading that story specifically for OP naruto shenanigans and effortless "character growth" (if by character growth you mean the power level going up) feel betrayed.

What do you think of this, Glim and other readers? Do you think a time loop should only be used to tell the story of a hero growing, or do you think it could be used to tell an interesting story about a timeloop that brought someone to the "fuck around because there are no consequences" stage and then stopped looping, letting a man who thought he had freedom deal with consequences he never expected?

>>328612
>I could post a huge-ass off-topic rant about why I think that is but I think that would be off topic.
>Green I posted before: Who would win, 'The Reaper', or Nigel?
"That is not dead which can eternal spaghetti, and with strange aeons even death may die."

>Do you think a time loop should only be used to tell the story of a hero growing, or do you think it could be used to tell an interesting story about a timeloop that brought someone to the "fuck around because there are no consequences" stage and then stopped looping, letting a man who thought he had freedom deal with consequences he never expected?
I was actually thought about the same idea ealier. Yeah that would be cool but do I even need to say anything?

>>328607
> I do agree that it would be jarring to follow BB around and his inner monologue in the narration.
Didn't finish my sentence. It would be jarring if we got information BB didn't knew because of the perspective when we are under the assumption that it's also partly BB's perspective.

This story definitely should have done a better job establishing who the mane six are and how BB got to know them and know what the elements of harmony do and how they actually work.
Even a line or two per horse (plus a joke where the first few times he thinks of them he forgets their name and thinks of them as Purple Smart or Marshmallow or Crazy Pink or Shy One or Food One or Wannabebolt) before eventually memorizing their names would be enough.
Do you think there should have been a chapter where BB's sequential attempts to unfuck part of the gala naturally causes him to spend time with each of the mane six in turn growing closer to them before moving on to the next plan he can think of for escaping or exploiting the time loop?

>>328607
>>328617
>My sugguestion is that you do that because then you'll see the story with my eyes.
If you were around for the Fallout: Equestria threads, you might remember me making frequent objections like:

>who the hell is this character?!?
>why the fuck is this happening?!?
>why the tits are they going to this place?!?

...and so on in that fashion. Usually someone else in the thread would reply, and the explanation was generally:

>this character is meant to be ______ from Fallout 3*
>because it happened in Fallout 3*
>because in the ______ DLC from Fallout 3*, this was a location

*Every once in a blue moon, a character/event/location from Fallout 1, 2, or New Vegas would be referenced, but 3 seemed to be the content well that kkat was pumping most often.

Before I started with this story, I considered rewatching GHD. I still plan to in fact I have it on good authority that it may get shown for Movie Night sometime in the fairly near future, but I want to more or less wrap this story up before I do so. The reason for this is because, prior to reviewing FoE, I considered playing the Fallout games, but ultimately decided not to. This proved to be the right decision, precisely because it led to me being confused about numerous points in the story that were obvious references to the games. If I had been familiar with the games, I'd have recognized the author's references and my brain would have used them to fill in the plot holes. Thus, I might have overlooked several parts of kkat's story that don't make sense without understanding these references.

Adding references to external stories or properties that don't necessarily pertain to the universe you're writing in is fine; in fact with a story like this one or FoE, that is essentially a parody of something unrelated to MLP set in the MLP universe, it's pretty much unavoidable. If this author wants his story to completely mimic the GHD film that's perfectly fine too. However, every story needs to make sense in its own context. Just because a story is a parody of another story doesn't mean the author can just throw events into his story without explanation, just because those events occur in the movie/game/whatever that is being parodied.

If there is a scene in GHD in which Bill Murray and Andie MacDowell are playing darts, then fine. If the author specifically wrote a scene in which Prince Blueblood and Princess Luna are playing darts because he wanted it to mirror this scene from the movie, then that is also fine. However, while this explains why Capn_Chryssalid chose to write this particular scene, it still doesn't answer the essential questions I posed when discussing the scene. Namely:

>why are these two characters suddenly playing darts?
and
>if Luna is unfamiliar with the game of darts (which the text establishes), then why does she have a dartboard in her room?

Even though someone familiar with GHD might recognize what the author was trying to do with this scene, it still doesn't solve the problem of the scene not making sense in context. The solution here would probably be very easy and would only require the author to write a few extra sentences. Maybe Luna just has an old dartboard in her room for some reason, and when Prince Blueblood is looking around, he notices the old dartboard and asks about it. Luna answers that she doesn't remember where she got it, and has no idea what it is. Blueblood, who has probably just learned to play darts himself as a result of hanging around with the pegasi the "other" night, is delighted at having an opportunity to show off something new that he's learned, and suggests that they play. This simple addition to the text would completely solve the problem I was complaining about, provide a logical segue into the dart scene, and wouldn't require the author to change any important aspects of his dart scene.

>Here's where we'll have to disagree, I'm afraid. I do agree that it would be jarring to follow BB around and his inner monologue in the narration. He doesn't know them and while this is third person perspective, it's clear that we're limited to our mc's perspective. The third person perspective is not omniscent.
>It would be jarring if we got information BB didn't knew because of the perspective when we are under the assumption that it's also partly BB's perspective.
You seem to have misunderstood what I was suggesting. I'm not saying we need a complete recap of everything that happened in the S1 closer, including the parts that Blueblood would not logically have known or seen. I'm saying that, since this story is about a character living the same day over and over again, before we can descend into the loops, we need to know what the first day was like for this character so we have something to compare the events of the loops to. That means that we need to see what the Grand Galloping Gala was like through the eyes of Prince Blueblood. This would not require any kind of omniscient perspective.

Think of it this way: an "event" is just something that happens. It exists in time, regardless of whether or not it's perceived by anyone. Every section of time contains multiple events. If you're telling a story that takes place on a given night in a given location, any number of events will occur. However, not every event that takes place within that time frame is going to be perceived by everyone in that location. Thus, if you're telling the story of that night from one character's perspective, you'd see a completely different bunch of events than you would see if you told the same story from the perspective of a different character.

Hold on, I'm almost out of space. I'll continue in another post.

>>328759

What the author needs to do here is provide us with a complete account of Blueblood's initial Gala experience. This would include some events that overlap with the S1 finale, and others that would be new to us. Some events that are in the episode would be excluded from this part of the story, because Blueblood wouldn't have seen them.

My problem with the way the author approached this is that he began his story on the first loop day, rather than the first day; presumably, the reason for this is because he assumes the reader has seen the episode this story is based on, and he can skip over this stuff because we already know it. This is a bad habit to get into and writers shouldn't do it, particularly when the stuff you're skipping over is information that is essential to the story you're trying to tell.

Here's an example:

>No: his thoughts turned to the ruined Gala. Specifically to the foalish mare who had so showered him with low class cake, and then to the cascade of destruction that had turned the noble Ménagerie Ursae into a house of cards. Compared to the structural and artistic destruction, the stampede of wild animals that followed was really almost an afterthought: an insulting addendum to the devastation.
We, the omniscient brony audience, are familiar with the MLP episode entitled "The Best Night Ever." Thus, we know what events are being referenced here: Blueblood uses Rarity to shield himself from a falling cake, which pisses off Rarity and causes her to chew him out while shaking cake all over him. Afraid of getting dirty, Blueblood backs up until he bumps into a statue, which falls over onto Rainbow Dash, who knocks something else over, and so forth and so on; everything goes to shit. However, we the readers of this particular story, entitled "The Best Night Ever," do not know these specifics, because we haven't been shown them. All we know is what the author tells us, which is what is quoted above. What does "being showered with low-class cake" mean? What kind of "structural and artistic destruction" took place? What's this business about a "stampede of wild animals?" It sounds exciting; how come the author hasn't told us what happened there? Is he planning on telling us later? That is how the quoted paragraph would be read by someone unfamiliar with the S1 closer.

Instead of the vague recap he gives us, the author ought to show us these events in real time as if we've never seen them before. The first scene of the story should ideally be a retelling of the S1 finale through Blueblood's eyes. Since Blueblood spent most of that evening with Rarity, then those are the events the retelling should focus on. Events that Blueblood wouldn't have seen, like Fluttershy trying to chase critters in the garden, would probably be omitted. Ditto for the stuff that took place before the Gala even started, like Twilight turning an apple into a carriage or whatever; Blueblood would have been getting dressed and whatever while that was taking place, so that's what we should be hearing about. Other events from the episode which might have been witnessed by Blueblood, such as Pinkie disrupting the dance floor, would be included; again, though, we'd be seeing it from Blueblood's perspective, not the omniscient perspective of the actual episode.

>Fanfictions are not independent works of art. You can write them like so if you want but I won't. Nobody is gonna come around and read an mlp fanfic without knowing at least the basics of the universe. They wouldn't be fans if they didn't. Yes, there has probably been someone who has done this. But fuck that guy. I don't want summaries of the series events and such when I already know the context. Yes, if something obscured is brought up that's nice. Being in a timeloop where I relearn everything I already know, isn't. It is pain.
Every story is, in effect, its own self-contained universe, even if it takes place in an established universe. In the case of fanfiction, you're dealing with an established universe, and most of your readers will be familiar with most of the canon lore. Thus, you can make a few basic assumptions about the reader's knowledge. For instance, in an MLP fic you probably don't need to go into exhaustive detail about how all of your characters are horses; you can probably assume the reader will know that much going in.

However, if there is any information that the reader has to have in order to understand your story, which doesn't fall under the umbrella of basic common knowledge, you need to make sure that information is available in your text somewhere. You don't need to explain every detail of the universe, but you have to provide essential information; this is an ironclad rule. Your narrative needs to be self-explanatory: all events need to make sense in the story's own context, every important character needs to be introduced to the reader. Even if certain details will make more sense to someone already familiar with the universe you're writing in, you still need to tell your story clearly enough so that anyone would be able to pick it up and follow the basic plot.

>>328759
>If the author specifically wrote a scene in which Prince Blueblood and Princess Luna are playing darts because he wanted it to mirror this scene from the movie, then that is also fine. However, while this explains why Capn_Chryssalid chose to write this particular scene, it still doesn't answer the essential questions I posed when discussing the scene.
Yeah, this is on me. I fucked up and didn't communicate what I wanted to say. What I meant was not that you're wrong because youd haven't watch GHD lately but because you'd understand my point of view. I didn't say what that point of view was though, I guess I assumed that you had read it because I posted about it here, >>328504
Why? I don't know why I would assume this to be the case.

My perspective about this fic is essentially that it follows the motions of the original GHD without making sense of it in the context of it's own story. So I agreed with your criticism there how the dart scene was wierdly out of place for the story.

>That means that we need to see what the Grand Galloping Gala was like through the eyes of Prince Blueblood. This would not require any kind of omniscient perspective.
We also agree on this. While I could see this story being told the way it is; I'd, with the benefit of hindsight I guess, begin the story with the gala just to see BB's perspective of the event and, specifically, his original views on Rarity. So far I haven't really got a good impression of what their relationship is. It seems kinda handwaved. BB's was just screwing with her? Okay. (Do you feel that way too?) It's strange but not because I haven't seen the S1 finale. We never learnt how BB precieved the Gala anyway so this would be a good place for some creative interpretations from the writer. It would tie into BB's decision to save the Gala for the poners (especially for Rarity, which I thought he hated). So you're right I did misunderstand.

>However, if there is any information that the reader has to have in order to understand your story, which doesn't fall under the umbrella of basic common knowledge, you need to make sure that information is available in your text somewhere.
We agree on this but I don't think we agree on what things fit under that umbrella.
>Your narrative needs to be self-explanatory: all events need to make sense in the story's own context,
S' gud, nigguha.
>every important character needs to be introduced to the reader.
Nah, man.
Joking aside, I disagree. I don't have to introduce Twilight Sparkle in a fanfic. I can just identify her through her name. Like this,
>Be Twilight Sparkle.
>Force Anon to bite down on bar of soap.
>Fin.
But I might be wrong or I misunderstand what you're saying so if you have some corrections then please post them. I felt that I was too aggressive in my last post so yeah, I'm open to ideas anyway.
>you still need to tell your story clearly enough so that anyone would be able to pick it up and follow the basic plot.
I just don't think that anyone should necessarily need to be able to pick it up.

>>328759
If the story's first Time Loop with Blueblood was used to establish what his typical day during this time loop (and his first time experiencing this day as it happened in the show) looks like, as he denies what's going on and thinks "wow this is just like the dream I had last night" until the end when it's all over and thinks "well that was weird. If I wake up tomorrow having the exact same day it means I'm in a time loop" would that be brilliant genius writing or homosexual retardity?
At the very least it could simultaneously tell us what happened that night and what he thinks of those at the party.

Also, shouldn't blueblood's reaction to the thought of being in a time loop indicate how common these are in his world? Surely the viewpoint character's reaction is supposed to tell us these things unless he is specifically supposed to be a fish out of water who learns how common these are from someone who knows more than him.
It just feels like this story is missing a scene where Blueblood thinks "Am I trapped in a time loop? That only happens in fiction! You'd need mountain-lifting levels of strength to cast the spell and small island-destroying levels of power to maintain it! What cruel eldritch horror time god thing have I offended now? *proceeds to panic and do dumb bullshit and then calm down*"
or "Oh great I'm trapped in a bloody time loop. What a lame prank. Somepony must have slipped a Time Potion into my food. Everyone knows how to break these loops! I just have to cast the counterspell... Which I don't know how to do. Great. Now I have to get closer to Celestia or Twilight until they teach me. I sure hope I don't develop feelings for them or Twilight's annoying friends."
or "Am I trapped in a time loop? That's incredibly illegal! When I find out who's using all his magic power to maintain this loop and scare him into undoing the loop so he can use his magic to defend himself from me, he is SO going to jail! Now to investigate and hopefully not get closer to anyone during the investigation."

It also feels like this story is missing a scene where Blueblood makes a big conspiracy corkboard and thinks "Right, after over 200 loops I have figured out everything there is to know about these figures at the gala. If I leave Canterlot time loops back so nopony outside Canterlot can be maintaining the time loop, that's just how the time loop spell works."
His profiles of each major character could fill the audience in on what they need to know about Celestia, Twilight, RD, anyone else who would matter in this story.

>>328761
Anyone familiar with FIM can reasonably be expected to know who Twilight is when they start reading a fanfic but if the story's going to be a good story in its own right it should still give the audience an introduction to the character good enough for the story being told. The audience would need to know her name and what she looks like for example. And if the events of an episode of the show are going to be important the events of it should get a recap at the very least. Even if it's just
>The sight of a star-coated purple hat atop a blue Unicorn with silvery-white hair was a surprising one.
>Trixie? Why was she here?
>Twilight hadn't seen that boastful showpony since the time she came into town with a wagon full of fireworks, made boastful claims about amazing power she couldn't back up, failed to defend the town once a giant bear was brought into town by two idiots, and fled.
Now someone unfamiliar with Trixie could still enjoy a fanfic about her where what happened in her only episode of the show is relevant.
But if Trixie was just a minor character namedropped into a story about Anon and his quest to get laid we wouldn't need to know about Trixie's backstory for the fic itself to make sense.
The Fimfiction official writing guide should talk about this shit instead of nonsense like "Lavender unicorn syndrome".

>>328761
But I suppose it's a good habit to get into if you're going to go professional.

What would you say if I obtained some fic recommendations from someone who wrote one of the crapfics on the review list?
It could be interesting to find out what a shitfic-writer considers "good" besides his own crap.

>>328765
I'd say it would be interesting to hear their reasoning behind how they wrote their stories. Of course for many it might just be different degrees of "It seemed pretty funny/cool" but it would be nice if we could see behind the curtain and what inspired them to make certain choices.

I still have to finish reason the Silver review but I believe it started out that way somewhat. Nigel said he was taking the criticism to heart and is revising the story so I'd say if Glim Glam or any other literature savy folks could offer them advice it would be a net gain for everyone if writers could hone their craft and make higher quality fan works afterwards.

Besides FoE I feel Glim doesn't have any animosity towards the authors so if they were willing to come here it would do wonders for the discussion though I admit if I were more witty I'd feel bad making quips and jokes about their story if they were present in the discussion to view that.

The Sun and the Rose author comes to mind where we were all cracking up at the ambassador pill, the hazmat helmet, the rat catching and eating gag, and Celestia's harem crypt but I'm not sure the author would appreciate it and I'd feel bad bringing them here if they couldn't laugh along with the review.

>>328568

>Darkly, Blueblood still considered some of the stunts he pulled back then kind of amusing. Rarity was a beautiful mare, and supposedly very generous – according to that Wonderbolt crazy pegasus, the friendship letters he had read, and the others who knew her – but she also rather reminded him of his mother and the usual coterie of mares he had to associate with in court. He just didn't particularly like noblemares. He had resigned himself to marrying a daughter of one of the many rich or noble houses of Equestria, but it didn't mean he would make it easy for her. If his mate-to-be was going to be a gold digger or a trophy, she could at least be a compliant one.

>Or so he had thought.

>Hence why, theoretically, making Rarity's Gala evening go right was the easiest of the six. All he supposedly had to do was act like she wanted him to act: like a proper Prince and gentlecolt. He could even wine and dine her as necessary. It wouldn't be hard. But... it also raised other potential problems, mostly with the fact that her falling in love with him was rather different than them falling in love with each other. He could definitely act like he had fallen in love with her, but it would be just that: an act.

This is a good example of what I'm talking about. The author is basically thinking out loud here, establishing a motivation for why Blueblood is pivoting towards focusing on Rarity and her friends. However, if he had shown us at least a few of their interactions up until now, he wouldn't need to bother explaining all of this here; it would already be apparent what Blueblood is about to do and why.

By and large this is a fairly well-written story, particularly when compared to the others I've read and reviewed in these threads. However, there are two major revisions I would recommend to the author. The first is the "5 stages" business I brought up earlier: basically, the author ought to plot out in advance how Blueblood will initially react to being stuck in a time loop, what he ultimately is supposed to learn from this experience, and what emotional states he is going to pass through along the way. Personally, I think the 5 stages model would work well for this and that is probably how I would approach it; however, there are probably any number of different ways you could go about it.

The second major revision I would suggest is that the reader needs to be walked through the events of the Gala in their entirety at least once, as they occurred in the show (or the first loop). Ideally, this should either be the opening scene, or should at least occur somewhere near the beginning.

In my mind, there are two possible reasons for why the author chose to write it this way. The first is that fell into the typical fanfic trap: anyone reading an MLP fanfic is probably an MLP fan, and thus would be familiar with the content of significant episodes. The second possibility is that he made the same basic assumption, and figured that including a well-known event like the Grand Galloping Gala would bore readers by rehashing events they already know by heart.

If the latter, this actually calls attention to another side of the issue. I've frequently made the case that a story ought to contain all of the essential information the reader needs in order to make sense of what's going on; if an event from the source material factors heavily into your story, then you need to include at least the broad strokes of that event somewhere in your text. However, the other side of this is that you don't want to deluge the reader with non-essential information, and admittedly, the complete plot of a well-known episode of the series might fall into this category.

This story revolves almost entirely around the plot of the S1 finale, so the essential details of that story need to be in here somewhere; there's no way around this. However, the average brony circa 2012 could reasonably be expected to know the episode by heart, and if the first chapter of this story consisted of a tedious shot-for-shot rehash of a well-known episode, I could see there being a lot of grumbling about it in the comments section. So, the solution here would be for the author to take the basic plot of the episode and make it his own.

This is how I would probably approach it. As written, the story opens with a short prologue, which I'll reprint here for convenience since it's short:

>Unmitigated.
>Unprecedented.
>Unabashed.
>Unsalvageable.
>Disaster.
>The Gala was a disaster.
>It was, Prince Blueblood reflected as he dragged himself to bed, "Truly, the worst night ever."
>Collapsing face first into the pillows, his body shook with a resounding sigh.
>At least it was over.

This is a good prologue, and I would keep this the way it is. I would also have the story open the same way: with Equestria Girls playing on the radio and Blueblood shutting off his alarm. However, the way the author presently has it, the story begins on the first repetition: Blueblood wakes up on what ought to be the morning after the Gala, but finds himself repeating the previous day. I would have the story begin on Day Zero instead of Day One, and walk the reader through Gala day as BB first experienced it. This way, the reader would directly witness all of the events that are being repeated, and everyone would be on the same page going forward.

While it would technically be a rehashing of a story the bronies would already know, it would be new because we would be seeing familiar events from a new perspective, and would probably see some new events as well. In the episode, the story focused entirely on the M6; here, we would be seeing things from Prince Blueblood's perspective, with the M6 presented as incidental or background characters at best. We would also witness new events: Blueblood eating breakfast with Celestia, and everything else he did before the Gala began. If you want to write derivative fiction effectively, it's a good idea to start thinking like this.

>>328977

Anyway, I kind of got sidetracked there. I forget where exactly I left off in the text, but the basic gist is that Blueblood is now, for reasons the author has not made clear, trying to ensure that the six Element-bearers have a good time at the Grand Galloping Gala. Each of these six ponies has a specific desire they hope to realize, and Blueblood's task is now to ensure that they do.

He decides to focus on Rarity first, since her desire is apparently to have him fall in love with her. Though this would outwardly appear to only require his behaving like a gentlecolt the way she expects him to, he acknowledges that it might be easier said than done. He is also concerned about pulling it off so effectively that she actually does fall completely in love with him, which he seems to want to avoid. As far as I can tell, he has no genuine affection for her at this point; he simply wants to ensure that she has a good time at the Gala. He has two Royal Guards escort him to Ponyville a few hours before the Gala, and knocks on Rarity's door.

>True, he had dropped by uninvited and unannounced – that could be fixed next time – but honestly, how long was it taking for her to get sufficiently ready to answer his summons.
This is a question and should end with a question mark.

>Finally, the door opened... and a little filly with a pink and purple two-toned mane appeared.
Again, kudos on describing well-known characters from BB's perspective rather than just name-dropping them.

>"I'm Sweetie Belle!" The little filly stuck out her hoof, then, thinking better of it, remembered her manners and bowed slightly. Nothing like the groveling and kowtowing that was expected whenever a real royal showed up.
Also kudos on having her name-drop herself in a convincing way, so you don't have to keep on awkwardly referring to her as "the pink and purple two-maned filly." However, would this filly logically know who Blueblood is just from sight? Or is Blueblood simply assuming that she would?

>"I am Prince Blueblood. Tell me, Sweetie Belle, is your mother home?"
Bolded text is the author's. The subchapter ends abruptly here, and is followed by a page break. Then, this:

>Blueblood composed himself. No jokes this time.
>"I'm Sweetie Belle!" The adorable little filly, just like before, first thought about trying to shake hooves before remembering to bow in greeting. No jokes this. time. No jokes this time. No jokes this time.
>"I am Prince Blueblood. Tell me, Sweetie Belle, would you like to go to the Gala with me?"
Page break again.

The implication is that Blueblood put his hoof in his mouth by implying that Sweetie Belle was Rarity's daughter, and had to wait for time to reset before he could try this encounter again. However, the following day he can't resist making another joke about it. It's funny, but a little awkwardly executed. This kind of abrupt cutting works better in film than in text. As I mentioned frequently during my FoE review, different types of gags and devices don't always transfer well between mediums.

In this case, while the faux pas of mistaking (or intentionally pretending to mistake) Sweetie for Rarity's daughter rather than her sister might be serious enough to warrant a do-over, the second incident really doesn't. Unless he's being openly mean-spirited or creepy about it, jokingly asking Rarity's school-aged sister to a dance to which he's obviously there to invite Rarity would probably come across as an attempt at being cute or charming. It might even help him to win Rarity over, particularly if he's realized that part of the problem is she ends up seeing him as a narcissistic, self-absorbed dick.

Anyway, there's another page break, and this time Blueblood steels himself to be super-srsly about doing what he came there to do. He asks Sweetie if Rarity is home, and gets kind of an ambiguous response; it seems Rarity is technically here, but is not quite fabulous enough to be seen yet. Since he apparently has a number of other tasks yet to perform, he leaves his bouquet and an invitation to the Gala with Sweetie, who assures him that her sister will probably say "yes."

>"Good. I was thinking of having a chariot pick her up, but apparently she'd prefer to ride with her friends." He shook his head; no need to share that bit of information. "Just tell her to be ready by eight."
This is a bit ambiguously worded. Does he actually say the first part of this out loud?

>Yes: Rarity would theoretically be the easiest of the six. All he had to do was not ruin her night while also possibly convincing her that she didn't want to marry into his family. If his harridan of a mother had been alive, Blueblood was sure that would have been much easier. He'd work out those particulars later.
It would indeed seem he's still not especially interested in Rarity, and is simply trying to ensure that she has a good time at the Gala for some other reason. His overall goal seems to be to convince her that the two of them are not right for each other, but to do it without spoiling her evening or making her hate him.

>The fashionista – part one – was ready.
>The stage was set.
>Now for the Element of Laughter.
Author's italics. I'm actually not sure why this was italicized, since "Element of Laughter" isn't the name of a ship (though I suppose it could be). Anyway, while it's clear enough what BB is attempting to do, the why is still a bit murky. My best guess is that he is still trying to get hold of the Elements of Harmony, and since he can't convince either Celestia or the six ponies to hand them over willingly, he hopes he can somehow charm them into it by showing them a good time.

Anyway, that's the end of the chapter.

>>328978
What if the story started with Day One of the loop but BlueBlood just repeated everything while thinking "wow this is just like yesterday"?
It could add tension to the retelling of an episode we've already scene because we'd be waiting for BB to catch on and realize he's time looping.

>>328761
>I don't have to introduce Twilight Sparkle in a fanfic.
Literally who?

In all seriousness though, I should probably clarify that I'm talking about stories written in a standard novel or short-story format, like the one we're reading. I basically evaluate anything I read on FimFiction according to the same rules by which I'd evaluate something printed in a book. Greentext is an informal style that developed entirely within chan culture, and it's a little more geared towards shitposting and fun. Since very little written in a green is likely to be read outside the board it's posted in, I don't usually hold it to the same rules. In general, I actually find greentext writers in this fandom tend to produce higher-quality work overall than their counterparts writing fanfiction. Probably because the informality of it takes some of the pressure off; greentexts are mostly written for fun, so the style tends to be a little less tryhard. Still though, I think a lot of what I cover here can be applied to green as well as to fanfic writing.

>>328766
>Besides FoE I feel Glim doesn't have any animosity towards the authors so if they were willing to come here it would do wonders for the discussion though I admit if I were more witty I'd feel bad making quips and jokes about their story if they were present in the discussion to view that.
Most of the insults I hurl at the various authors we look at are for the entertainment of people reading the thread. If one of these guys had approached me with their stories asking me to read and review it, I'd probably give them more or less the same advice, but present it just a little more tactfully. Mostly, I figure that since there is very little chance that any of these people will ever read what I've written about them, I can let loose and have a bit of fun at their expense.

If some of these authors dropped by it might change how I approach talking about their stories somewhat, but it wouldn't change my basic assessment of them. I think it would be interesting to hear what some of them have to say for themselves. I was also kind of hoping that some representatives of FoE's rabid fanbase might drop by during the FoE threads and try to argue against my points, but sadly they never did.

>>329002
I tried taking one argument point to a Fallout Equestria site (The black and white morality of the story despite the illusions of moral greyness, where Generic Inconsistently Sometimes-Idealistic Sometimes-Pragmatic Wishy-Washy Comfortable Liberalism is contrasted exclusively with Pure EvilTM).
I wondered what they would say, if I pointed out how the story simply assumes the heroes are in the right for gunning ponies down and waging their war on slavery and cannibalism, only ending up fighting The Enclave because Red Eye got them involved with that plotline that came out of nowhere and wasn't properly set up once for the entire story. Fuck me for saying something positive about Fallout 3 now but at least it thought to put an old man in Megaton who says "Have you heard the radio? The Enclave Radio says the Enclave are going to save us and make america great again! Yay America!". Sure it was low-effort and cringe but at least it was setup.
But the retarded FE fanboys, they just attacked and censored me and carted out the usual leftist "You're an incel nazi, and I don't know what you're talking about! What you call liberalism is not liberalism, that's just what the alt-right says liberalism is! Also uh... You dared to call women 'Females'! That sounds like something a sexist incel would do! MODS! BAN THIS SEXIST!" bullshit. When I pointed out how the story felt the need to put pro-working males propaganda in the "Gender is topsy turvy" stable even though in reality males are the ones working hard jobs and dirty jobs, they censored me. I got banned and my posts were deleted, but I archived the thread anyway even though it was only up for about three fantards to see it and attack me in it.

It's as if the author has no consistent morality, no strong views on whether utilitarian "Gun a rapist down to save a victim" thinking or idealistic "Take a rapist to jail to try and rehabilitate him to avoid killing or eternally imprisoning him no matter the cost" thinking is correct, no genuine desire to do good, just the desire to be jacked off for vaguely babbling about deep-sounding terms like virtues and values when he's not getting hard writing about his lesbiansona mowing down easily-killed cardboard cutouts in a shooting gallery that imitates moral greyness by making canon ponies pull dick moves when fighting pure evil moon-fearing Big Mac-killing ziggeretards.

Fuck Fallout Equestria, it wouldn't surprise me if the circlejerking microfandom that has kept it on life support for all these years only do so because they love being big names in this small pond for making Fallout Equestria media like fanart and fanfics and audiobooks and long cons(the myth that you're toootally working on a playable video game right now).

Hey Glim do you think the formulaic nature inherent in ripoffs hurts this story?
We know the author is going to make Blueblood less of a cunt over time and when he's learned something about the importance of giving up in the face of futility and trying to enjoy your eternal prison and the company of cellmates who won't remember you tomorrow he'll be freed from the looping dream Luna presumably put him into.
We already know this cliche plotline and where it's going.
Doesn't that hurt our ability to enjoy the story in the moment?

>>329017
An excellent point. The author's notes about 'btw, groundhog day' would have served the audience better at the end of the work. Had they done so, the audience's confusion would mirror BB's (for the 3 minutes he didnt realize this was a time-loop). Though, that would also make the unusually-astute perception that much more glaring, so a simple fix wouldnt also improve the story.

>>329025
Maybe declarations like "I was inspired by ____" are better kept to interviews or blog posts.
Frontloading the story with "This is literally just fucking Groundhog Day but horse starring some OC playing the part of Prince Blueblood" gave the game away.
Perhaps this time loop story should have a twist like "There is more than one time looper, and the second one is hunting the first, and maybe being killed by the second is the only way to permanently kill both of them". That could add a ticking countdown clock and force the hero to find a way to break the time loop that doesn't involve being killed by her, even if it means offing himself many times to reset the day whenever death by her seems inevitable.
I feel like I already know this story and got sick of it before I've even finished it. Maybe if I was still a very young brony thirsty for more FIM content the thought of "Reforming" this "Villain" would be so shocking that it would get me hooked. But Blueblood's more a stereotype or archetype than his own person.
I've seen the movie and it feels like that movie was used like a cheat-sheet when this author copied its homework. The characters don't play darts because one or more characters really love darts, they play darts because that's what the characters did in the movie.
At least this story isn't doing to less-liked parts of this movie (if they exist?) what Fequestria did with less-liked parts of the game he adapted: Wallpapering over them with overcomplicated yet boringly simple convoluted clusterfuck reimaginings of these events/locations. I still can't fucking believe his solution to "the rich tower quest sucked" was "a minor character solves it offscreen and is killed for picking the mean hero option instead of the libtard villain option".
Does Blueblood have any twists in who he is or the life he's led? Characters can feel bloated and unfocused if they have too much going on but this guy feels like he's got nothing going on. Sometimes he's a prick and sometimes he's not.
Surely such a straightforward and bland protag should have early moments that reveal hidden depths to raise interest in the character or more interesting side characters to carry the story, right? But in a time loop, by design only the main character can be the focus. everyone else is a toy for him to fuck with until the phase where he starts connecting with and learning from these characters.

>>329002
>Literally who?
Okay, that was a great joke.

>>328978

(3)

Blueblood arrives at Sugarcube Corner, and can't resist making a few snooty remarks about it.

>Despite the gingerbread-imitation exterior, it was a fairly common pastry shop. Then again, compared to spending one drunken night at a seedy Trottin' Donuts Shop it was fairly high class. Princess Celestia herself had also graced it with her presence once before, making it effectively haute couture.
"Haute couture" specifically refers to a type of clothing and can't really be applied to architecture or food. This isn't the first time this author has used a term like this incorrectly. It's possible he's doing it on purpose: maybe Blueblood uses overly florid language in an attempt to appear sophisticated, but ends up making himself look foolish by using the words incorrectly, kind of like Little Carmine from The Sopranos.

However, I don't think that's what's going on here. Earlier, the term "menagerie" was used to describe an area of the Royal Palace that clearly is not a menagerie. However, this term was being used as though it were the proper name for that location, which would have been used by everyone. This suggests that it's the author, rather than the character, who is in error. If so, it's a pretty glaring error that needs to be addressed. Seriously, it takes a fraction of a second to google these things; there's no excuse for shit like this.

>The sad and pathetic truth was that Celestia could visit a country outhouse and the nobles would quickly call it a "Petite Trianon" and squabble over the right to visit.
This technically makes sense; however, "Petite Trianon" refers to a specific building in France, which I assume doesn't exist in Equestria and therefore shouldn't be known by Blueblood or any other pony. Having the ponies speak French in the first place is a little iffy, but it's permissible as a stylistic choice. Logically it's suspect that ponies should even be speaking English, but when you have a story set in a foreign or imaginary country which would presumably have its own language, there's usually an assumption that the author is "translating" it by having the characters speak in the common tongue of the audience he's writing for. Having an English-speaking character use French where English would suffice is a pompous affectation of speech, which signals that the character is pretentious and overly-concerned with signaling sophistication. Presumably, we can assume that when Blueblood uses French, he is "actually" speaking in some other language from his own world, the use of which would have the same social connotation. However, having characters overtly reference well-known landmarks that exist outside their own universe is a no-no.

Anyway, Blueballs goes into Sugar Pube Corner and asks to speak with someone named Pinkamena. The ponies inside all recognize him, and are all clearly awed by having a royal enter this out-of-the-way sweet shop. In deference to propriety (and also probably to avoid standing out any more than he does already), he orders a cupcake. He doesn't have to wait long before the object of his search appears.

>She seemed harmless enough. Earth pony. Bright pink coat and darker pink mane. Aqua blue eyes, about the same color as his own. At least she was sitting still and not bouncing around. Balloons for a cutie mark. Which explained a few things.
Once again, the author nails description right on the head. When I talk about introducing canon characters to the reader through the eyes of the protagonist, this is exactly what I mean. It's short and to the point, provides a clear visual description of the character, and presents a well-known character from the point of view of a character who would have no reason to already know who she is.

>Everypony is saying you're a Prince, but you don't have any wings, just a horn, so how can you be a Prince? Oh! Or is it just a name, like the Fresh Prince, or the Artist formerly known as Prince? Are you an artist?"
This seems to fall into the category of what I was talking about earlier: referencing things from outside the established universe that no character in the story has any right to know. However, it's also an established trope in Pastel Ponyland that Pinkie Pie is inexplicably capable of feats that no other character can perform. It actually appears in Lauren Faust's show bible as I recall: Pinkie is exempt from the laws of logic and physics to some degree, and can do cartoonish things like stretch her neck out, hang on the ceiling (as is the case in this scene), pull random silly objects out of hammerspace, and so forth. Faust also specifies that only Pinkie should be capable of these sorts of actions. These kinds of superhuman superpony, whatever feats are fine to some extent, as long as their use is limited to a single character, and if they are just gags that don't meaningfully impact the story. The genie from Aladdin is probably the best example of this kind of thing that I can think of off the top of my head. Anyway, I'd say there's no foul here.

Case in point: a little further into the exchange, Blueblood observes that Pinkie's behavior is so sporadic and random that he can't predict how she will behave in each loop, despite everything else being essentially the same. He actually lets it slip that he is living the same day over and over, which seems to neither surprise nor concern Pinkie.

>He just facehoofed.
I really, really really wish pony fiction authors would stop using this word. Along with "squee," "muggle" and "microaggression," it's on my short list of made-up words whose use I would actually outlaw, on pain of death, if I had the power to do so.

>>329054

Anyway, there's an unnecessary page break, and the next scene opens a second or two after the end of the previous one. Their dialogue here is actually pretty funny and is worth reading. The basic gist is that BB explains to Pinkie, the way he might explain it to a child, that the Gala is a formal affair, and won't be the same kind of party that she's used to. He offers to teach her some formal dances so that she can enjoy the Gala properly. She seems skeptical, but ultimately accepts his offer.

Page break. Once again the progression of time is left a bit murky (this might be intentional, or it might be a shoddy area that the author might consider cleaning up a bit), but we are told that Blueblood spends a few iterations of the loop teaching Pinkie Pie how to dance like a proper lady. The long and short of it seems to be that he is successful.

Page break. With Generosity and Laughter out of the way, Blueblood can now turn his attention to a third pony, who resides in the country outside Ponyville. Though the character has not been introduced to us yet, I'm sure we already know that the pony in question is Bulk Biceps.

>Those loops where he had killed himself in a variety of ways had left a no less pleasant impression.
Those loops in which he had killed himself in a variety of ways had left no less pleasant an impression.

Anyway, he goes to a farm called Sweet Apple Acres. He is impressed by both the size of the holding and the fact that their land borders the fabled Everfree Forest. He encounters a "red-coated fellow" who seems to regard his visit with suspicion.

Page break. In the next scene, he is speaking to the same pony. Since he now has a couple of Royal Guards alongside him, we can assume that he is on a different iteration of the loop than in the previous scene. He asks to speak to someone named Miss Applejack. The stallion is still suspicious and borderline-hostile, but he ultimately agrees to go and fetch his sister.

>Applejack was fit and strong, but not in the manufactured way that came from spending time at a gym or with – in his case – a personal trainer. It may just have been near-legendary earth pony vitality at work coloring his impression – they did say, once you went earth pony, you never went back – but she was just such a raw specimen. Sandy and Light Touch would have had a field day getting this mare ready for the Gala.
Once again, the author demonstrates a knack for summing up the essential aspects of a character, and presenting them to the reader through the eyes of his protagonist. The story overall is not without its flaws, but this author's descriptions of his characters is pretty top-notch.

Anyway, as the conversation proceeds, we get a bit of explanation for the stallion's hostility earlier: apparently, there were some disputes over the farm's borders a couple of years ago, which resulted in Canterlot's insistence that the Apples yield some of their farmland to the Everfree Forest. Since Blueblood is apparently head of some kind of map committee, the two ponies assume that his visit has something to do with this. Unfortunately for Blueblood, once AJ goes off on her tirade, he is mostly on defense about the border dispute. Despite it being his job to oversee stuff like this, he seems woefully uninformed about the details, which irritates AJ. The scene ends, but we can assume the conversation only goes south from here.

Page break. Blueblood appears to be looking into the Apple family's complaints about the way their border dispute was handled.

>Blueblood ground his teeth together in frustration, digging out the Everfree maps. He was Grand Veneur, which meant he decided the protected status of Equestria's wildlands.
Once again, the author's French seems a bit spotty. "Grand Veneur" was a position in the French medieval court, in charge of the king's hunting dogs; to my knowledge, he would have nothing whatever to do with overseeing land-use issues and border disputes. Since the author goes on to explain that the Everfree, along with all the other reserved nature areas in Equestria, are technically game preserves, there might be some leeway here. The Grand Veneur was also in charge of managing the hunt itself, so it's possible that setting the borders of hunting lands would fall under his jurisdiction. However, since this author now has an established pattern of blatantly misusing terminology, particularly French terminology, I'm inclined not to grant any clemency here. Also: why exactly would vegetarian ponies go hunting in the first place?

Anyway, Blueblood looks into the land dispute and discovers that one of his surveyors appears to have deliberately cheated the Apples. He summons one of his assistants, pulls some records, and prepares to look deeper into the matter.

Page break. In some future loop, he returns to the farm. This time, it's all business. He introduces himself as the Grand Veneur, and asks to speak to the head of the farm. Despite his request having nothing to do with the management of hunting dogs, the stallion whose name is given as Macintosh agrees to fetch his sister. BB considers it passing strange that the younger sister was given ownership of the farm over the older stallion:

>In Equestria, this was historically the right of female primogeniture, but there was nothing barring a first born male from inheriting these days, even among the most old fashioned of aristocratic houses.
Capn_Chryssalid, like kkat, seems to have interpreted Equestria as being a female-dominant society. Since it's in keeping with the structure of the show (most important roles tend to be held by females), and since the show is aimed at girls in the first place, this actually makes perfect sense and I don't have a problem with it. As an aside, however, I appreciate Chryssalid being less heavy-handed about it than kkat was.

>>329056
Do you think it was right to interpret Equestria as a society dominated by females, just because most major characters we saw in FIM were female, especially those in positions of power like Mayor Mare and Princess Celestia/Luna?
It could just as easily be assumed that these are rare exceptions to the rule, or that we don't often see males because they're busy with incredibly vital jobs/businesses they have absolute control over.
Stories that put females in power tend to do so for arbitrary reasons without any excuses for things turning out this way like "This species lacks any strength or intelligence or maturity difference setting males apart from females" or "Magic makes up for any differences" or "The usual difference is reversed for this species" or "Long wars killed so many men the women left behind had to learn to be men" or "Males were gaslit and guilt-tripped into handing society over to women over the generations". It's as if the average author was raised to believe any differences in how society treats males and females are arbitrary with no basis in biology or societal responsibilities/rights at all.

>>329056

Anyway, Blueblood confesses to AJ that one of his surveyors acted improperly. He apologizes and tells her that they will be compensated for the loss, and he promises to keep a closer eye on his subordinates. This pleases her, and she invites him in for something to eat.

Inside, he takes a shit on the coffee table and then tells them all that he was just kidding about the land thing; in fact, he's actually decided to confiscate their entire farm. Then he goes "woobly woobly woo," punches Granny Smith in the face, kicks over a bunch of their furniture, and absconds with their entire supply of zap-apple jam, leaving his bewildered guards to fend off the enraged family while he escapes in a balloon. Not really of course, that's just what I would probably do if I were in a time loop. Also, I wanted to see if you guys were still paying attention. Also, it's like 5 o'clock in the morning and dumb stuff is really funny to me right now.

Now, here's what actually happens. He goes inside the Apple family farmhouse, where he encounters a young filly who asks him a lot of strange, childish questions about his cutie mark. He good-naturedly indulges her, but doesn't otherwise pay her much attention. Meanwhile, AJ goes into the kitchen to fix him something to eat. He casually mentions to AJ that he also wanted to talk to her about the Gala that evening. AJ seems a bit surprised by this, but continues making coffee.

Meanwhile, the young filly, whose name is Bulk Biceps, keeps pressing him about his cutie mark, which depicts a compass rose. She wants to know how he got it. Though he doesn't seem to actually remember much about how he got his mark or what it means, he tells her that he got lost one day, and found something that "wouldn't make much sense" to her. It's unclear if he's just making this up so she will leave him alone, or if this is something that is going to be important later. In any case, the interaction feels natural and is handled well, and as ever, the author does a good job of describing both the character and the situation from the perspective of Blueblood.

It's all going fairly well, until he gets to the actual subject of his visit. He tells AJ that one of her friends (she assumes it was Twilight) told him that she was planning to "sell her wares" at the Gala that evening. His natural snootiness kicks in when discussing her food. This ticks her off, and we are left to assume that the conversation goes south from here.

Page break. Different loop, same circumstances. He does a little better this time, but makes the mistake of attempting to buy her off. He asks her how much she was expecting to bring in that night from the sale of her "apple-tastic treats." When she tells him, he scoffs at the amount, and offers to give her that much money if she will leave her shitty apple-wares at home so the Gala attendees won't get horrible apple-scented diarrhea from peasant-food. Then, he goes "woobly woobly woo," takes a shit on the coffee table, and dives out through the window despite the door being closer. Well, that's not exactly what happens, but you get the idea; long story short, this approach doesn't work either, and he has to wait another loop and try again.

Page break. He gives it one more go. This time, he tries to convince her that apples are "out of vogue" in Canterlot. Unsurprisingly, AJ doesn't buy this either; she digs in her hooves and insists that she can bring them back into vogue. Sensing that she is getting defensive again, and not wanting to break any more of her furniture because he's finally gotten bored with doing that, he tries to calm her down by assuring her that he does, in fact, enjoy apples.

>"Really?" The country mare gave him a shrewd look. "What's yer favorite type'a apple then?"
>"Calville Blanc d'hiver," Blueblood easily answered. "We have them imported from Prance."
I am now in the habit of googling everything even remotely French-sounding that this guy puts into his text. I'm happy to report that "calville blanc d'hiver" is actually a kind of apple, and not a kind of shit-covered coffee table. "Prance" also checks out as a pony-themed analog to France.

Anyway, for a moment it looks like AJ is going to get pissed off again due to his snootiness, but as it turns out, she knows about all sorts of apples, including the Prench kind that the Royal Family apparently enjoys. She admits that "adapting to one's market" makes sense, and considers his suggestion that tarts made with Golden Delicious apples (which are apparently similar in texture) might go over better with the fancy crowd. However, since she's already made a bunch of treats for the Gala, it would be impractical to start over from scratch. The scene ends on an ambiguous note; it's not clear whether or not Blueblood was able to convince her of anything.

Page break. Blueballs awakens once more to Never Gonna Give You Up Equestria Girls, and smashes that MF like button. It seems he still has apples on the brain.

Page break. He walks straight past Celestia and Luna at the breakfast table, cackling to himself about apples, and heads into the pantry.

Page break. It seems that BB has finally found a rather creative solution to his ketchup apple problem. We rejoin him back at the Apple farm, in the same conversation he's had multiple times now. This time, he presents AJ with a menu which, we can assume, he had modified this morning. She sees that most of the items she has made for the Gala are already part of the free buffet being offered. Obviously, this means it wouldn't make sense to try to sell different versions of the same treats.

In a move that would have made Machiavelli proud if he'd been a lunatic obsessed with apples, BB offers to take the treats off the menu, but AJ's honesty of course compels her to refuse. Instead, they decide that she will dress up her existing treats to make them fancier, and sell them at a ridiculous markup.

>>329065
I like it because it's different than our world and mares are also very cute and I love them. Simple as.

>>329089
Poners are cute but if they only ended up becoming business owners or whatever because the gender bias favours them in this setting doesn't that make them less cool?

>>329107
How so? Who's to say their society is a harsh matriarchy that quashes a stallion's dreams of being a performer or something? This goes doubly so when you remember that cutie marks help organize societal roles. There simply seems to just be less stallions so they're represented less. Equating this to our real world and flipping it to a matriarchy with the same standards seems kind of silly, since we have an almost exact 50-50 split in the real world.

Regardless, I don't think about it that way, nor do I think super hard on the subject or relate it to things in the real world. What would you propose as a different or better approach?

>>329069
>Pic
The Best one indeed

>>329065
More or less this:
>>329089

I place ponies in the same category as anime girls: basically an idealized femininity that exists in a pure world that modernity and individualism hasn't touched. There isn't any apparent battle of the sexes in Equestria, nor does it seem like either gender is being oppressed or subjugated by the other; everyone just has their given roles in society and performs them.

I mainly brought this up to contrast how this author approaches the subject with how kkat does. Basically, Capn_Chryssalid's world has a semi-medieval social structure, along with a concept of primogeniture in which property traditionally transfers to the oldest daughter rather than the oldest son. Blueblood observes that this tradition is slowly giving way to a more informal and practical system, in which the property is transferred to the oldest child without gender being considered. The implication is that this is just happening naturally, and it doesn't appear that the issue has caused any significant upheaval. My guess is that the subject won't come up in this story again. Conversely, while kkat's Equestria was also a female-dominant world, he tried to inject political commentary by having a stable that reversed the roles and forced a male-dominant society. It mostly fell flat, because the issues he was attempting to comment on are a part of this world, but don't really apply to Equestria. The reasons why were covered in my FoE review.

>>329017
I tend to agree with >>329025 that it would have been better for the author to not call as much early attention to the fact that his story parallels GHD; it would have been better to just tell the story as-is, and let the audience make the connection to GHD on their own. I want to stress that there's nothing inherently wrong with using another story as the basis for your own story, but if you're just doing a shot-for-shot remake of something that already exists, the only difference being that you have ponies acting out the drama instead of humans, there's not much point. The object in doing a story like this is not to simply replicate the original work as closely as possible, it's to show a meaningful connection between what the original work has to say and what your work has to say. What is GHD ultimately a story about? How does that connect to Equestria? What could characters in MLP learn from being put through similar circumstances to what the characters in GHD experience? That's how you have to approach a story like this. To look at it another way: why GHD? Why MLP? Why do these two things go together? Why did the author choose to pair these two things up, out of all the other things he could have chosen to pair up? There has to be a better reason than just "well I like GHD and I like MLP." Thus far, the author is doing a reasonably good job, though again, I do agree with anon that he's probably following the script of GHD a little too closely.

>>328993
This basically just describes what the author is doing already.

>>329069

The Equestria Girls song plays again, signifying that yet another loop has begun. This time, Blueblood turns his attention to sorting out Twilight Sparkle.

He knocks at Twilight's door, and is greeted by her small dragon assistant, whose name is Spike. Spike is rather irate with Blueblood for using him to send a letter to Twilight this morning; however, this also means that, unlike in the previous situations, Blueblood is expected by the pony he's visiting and doesn't need to waste additional time explaining why he's here.

>"It wasn't that uncomfortable, was it?" He looked down at the little dragonkin.
I'm docking five points for the use of the word "dragonkin."

>Blueblood entered the quaint little library-in-a-tree. He had been quite impressed the first time he had done so – it was a feat of magic in and of itself to produce such a structure – but the novelty had worn off after enough loops.
There also seems to be an implication that we've skipped a few loops, and that he's already attempted to deal with Twilight several times before.

Anyway, Spike shows Blueballs into the treebrary. Twilight is expecting his visit, but is preoccupied by her studies and isn't paying much attention to him. Spike, meanwhile, continues to eye BB suspiciously. His hostility actually has nothing to do with BB's reasons for wanting to see Twilight; he's mostly suspicious that the handsome stallion might be trying to horn in on Rarity. BB, due to his quasi-omniscience gained from living through multiple loops, already knows about Spike's crush, but he can't resist having a bit of fun with him over it. Watching Spike try to mark his territory is rather funny poor Spike; no matter what kind of story he's in, he's always a cuck.

Anyway, most of this scene focuses on BB's conversation with Spike. Twilight comes downstairs at the end of it, but it's not clear what they talk about, because after a page break the perspective suddenly switches to Rainbow Dash.

The scene opens with the six mares hanging out together, apparently getting ready for the Gala. Dash apparently found a special "VIP" pass taped to her cloud-house when she woke up that morning, which will allow her access to the special areas of the Gala off-limits to regular attendees. It also entitles her to spend the evening with two Wonderbolts of her choice.

While Dash is understandably excited, it seems that Rarity has grown rather suspicious of Blueblood. She remarks how strange it is that the Prince visited not only her, but all of her friends as well (except Fluttershy, apparently), in the space of a single day. They all idly discuss the matter while continuing to get dressed for the Gala. The prevailing sentiment seems to be that the Prince has some ulterior motive; presumably, he has singled the six of them out for special treatment because they are Celestia's special guests. While Rarity thinks this makes sense enough, it doesn't quite sit right with her. While her dream was to attend the Gala with the Prince as her date, she wants to be approached because of who she is, not simply out of obligation. Thus, while everything seems to have been set up perfectly (or near-perfectly) according to Blueblood's design, it appears there is still a crucial piece of the puzzle that he hasn't accounted for. This is the first serious hint we've been given that the most significant part of the story is going to revolve around how he treats Rarity.

In any event, she dismisses her concerns for the moment, and the six friends all vow that this will be "the best night ever." End of chapter.

(4)

The chapter begins with a rather cryptic Author's Note:

>Pachelbel – Canon – In D For Three Violins & Cello
>Bach – Double Violin Concerto
>Bach – Cello Suite Prelude to Gavotte
Presumably, he has some rather specific background music in mind for this chapter. If these compositions are meant to factor into the story in some significant way, I'd advise against doing this, for the same reason I'd advise against referencing IRL landmarks like the Petite Trianon: these composers and compositions shouldn't logically exist in this world, so they shouldn't be referenced. If you want to reference them, just think up cutesy horse-puns that sound like their names and use those instead.

Anyway, the chapter opens with brief microscene, in which a mysterious unicorn moves an earth pony named Melody out of the way just in time to avoid having a potted plant fall on her head. Who could this mysterious unicorn be? I wonder...

Page break. In this microscene, Blueblood teleports into place just in time to rescue a pegasus foal named Scootaloo, who appears to be practicing her flying. Presumably she has injured herself doing the same thing in previous loops.

As a side note: I get what the author is doing here, and what he's referencing, but this is another instance of something that works in film not translating well into text. Abrupt cuts between very short scenes work fine in a visual medium where everything that's happening is instantly visible; in text, you have to describe everything. Here, we just have a couple of short, disjointed scenes with no sense of time or place being stacked on top of each other. It's not clear exactly what's happening, where it's happening, why it's happening, or when it's happening, so it's confusing to watch. To some degree this fits with the generally surreal timeline of this particular story, but even so it's jarring.

Page break. The perspective switches suddenly to one of Blueblood's guards. The guard's name is Mercury; the name sounds familiar but I don't remember where I heard it. The guard does not seem to hold a high opinion of his employer in the first place, and is doubly annoyed at the bizarre orders he's been given today. However, he's a Royal Guard and Blueblood is a Royal, so he pretty much has to do what he's told.

>>329141
What if the montage microscenes moment was described differently? Perhaps like this:

>In one loop, Blueblood learned of Scootaloo injuring herself while trying to fly. From that moment on, he would ensure this would never happen in another loop.

>>329144
>BB is the real reason Scootaloo never flew
Dubs make it so

>>329141

This scene has little bearing on any of the events we've witnessed so far. Basically, the guard (who is a pegasus) has been posted in a cloud, instructed by Blueblood to watch out for a particular situation. Though the instructions make little sense to the guard, he soon observes what he was supposed to be looking for: a sky blue Unicorn being manhandled marehandled? by a group of Diamond Dogs. The unicorn seems in the habit of referring to herself in the third person, so we quickly learn that her name is The Great and Powerful Trixie. Anyway, long story short he rescues her from the Diamond Dogs, and carries her off to safety.

Page break. The next microscene is only two lines long:

>Blueblood teleported briefly, just in time to relieve his Guard.
>"Sorry," he whispered, conspiratorially. "But that one was better left to you than me."
This event probably didn't need its own dedicated scene.

Page break. Blueblood makes a short detour to help a stranded carriage fix a broken wheel.

Page break again.

>Looking none the worse for wear despite the little detour, Blueblood stepped off his chariot and took in the magnificent sight of Castle Canterlot, built into the side of the mountain like a hanging garden. Green fields and hills stretched and rolled, dotted by perfectly maintained trees and rows of flowering bushes. A cascading waterfall framed the inward wing of the Palace, flowing eternally from a magical spring that recycled the water as it fell into the lake below. Golden spires and onion domes crowned white and pink marble towers rose behind the Regal Gate's main façade.
As ever, the author nails his description right on the head. However, I'd probably suggest that this basic description of Canterlot Castle should appear somewhere much earlier in the story, since it's a pretty significant location.

>I hardly ever looked at it from the outside, before today, he realized. Whatever 'today' even means to someone like me.
This probably has something to do with why he put this description here, however.

Anyway, the M6 pull up to the castle entrance, and they do their little song and dance routine.

>The look she was giving him was one Blueblood knew all too well. Infatuation. He'd seen it so many times in so many mares with starry eyed dreams of royal families and courtly romance. But there was no courtly romance. The royal family, such as it was, was a dreary sham. It was nothing to sing about. It was nothing any sane mare wanted a part of.
>He had seen that look so many times, even before he began reliving this day.
>For the first time, he felt truly terrible.
This is kind of interesting. Once again, the story seems to be hinting that most of the rest of it is going to focus on Rarity and Blueblood somehow, though I'll say the author has been a bit slow in setting it up. It's also interesting because it provides kind of a different perspective on something previously handled by the show. A major part of the Gala episode involves Rarity getting cold water splashed all over her fairy-tale romance fantasy. From her point of view, the whole thing involves her Prince Charming dream-date turning out to be a complete jerk. Here, we have the same thing but from Blueblood's point of view.

Being stuck in a time loop seems to have basically forced introspection on this guy: he's had to reexamine his entire view of life. He's clearly grown and changed in a number of ways since the story began. However, he's not quite there yet. His fundamental view of the world, and his own role in it, still hasn't changed all that much; he just understands himself a bit better than he did before.

Blueblood is a jaded cynic, who has spent his entire life dealing with politics and life as a member of the Royal Family; Canterlot doesn't hold any particular glamor for him. Moreover, we get the impression that he sees himself as kind of useless, and never had much reason or drive to apply himself to anything. Even though he's a Prince, he knows that the two current rulers, his aunts, are going to outlive him by several hundred years, and he'll never rule Equestria. He doesn't seem to especially want to rule Equestria either; his problem is that he has nothing else to aspire to, and no apparent purpose in life beyond participating in social functions and holding ornamental offices. So, his view of Canterlot high society is quite different from Rarity's: to him it's just an empty world of vapid status-seeking.

Rarity, for all her beauty and sophistication, is still basically just a small-town girl living in a lonely world. She views Canterlot through rose-tinted glasses which are no doubt also quite fashionable, and her fantasy is of course going to be dashed against the rocks at the Gala. In the MLP episode, we see this event from Rarity's perspective. Here, we get a chance to see Blueblood's side of it.

BB probably finds Rarity's naiveté annoying, in part because she's happier living with her fantasy than he is living in reality. So, he likely finds some perverse pleasure in destroying her image of him. My guess is that this is a big part of the motivation the author has in mind for him: the story isn't just about BB becoming a nicer guy, it's about him figuring out why he is the way he is, and how he can improve himself in order to change.

This kind of thinking is the difference between high-concept and low-concept writing. Low-concept is "I want to do a mashup of GHD with ponies, because I like GHD and I like ponies." High-concept is "I want to take this one-shot background pony and do a character study of him, and I want to use the plot of GHD as a vehicle to accomplish this." Whatever my final opinion of this story turns out to be, the fact is that the author chose a good concept and a good approach, and so far the execution is pretty decent. I'd really encourage all of you to start thinking about your own writing projects in this way.

>>329232

Anywho, page break. Blueblood observes Twilight running off to meet the Princess, as she had done in all previous iterations. This time around, he has advised her to be patient about it, as Celestia has other responsibilities with which to concern herself.

>It wasn't that she hated the Gala, as Blueblood had come to for a time. She just needed some small, tiny release from the repetition and monotony. More than anyone else alive – if he was alive – Blueblood understood how she had to be feeling, and why her eyes lit up when she saw her prize pupil enter the room.
This is presumably something that Blueblood would have learned about Celestia across various loops. However, the text has not focused much on Celestia and we haven't really witnessed any behavior from her that would suggest she feels this way. This is another one of those "show don't tell" areas, as well as another one of those "don't rely so heavily on the reader's presumed familiarity with the show" areas.

Anyway, Rarity sidles up to him, and BB suddenly remembers that she is supposed to be his date for the evening. So, he switches back into mack-daddy mode and takes her to meet the Princess. Since all three of them already know each other on a more or less personal level, this is mostly just a matter of decorum. Celestia mentions in passing that Luna has declined to attend the Gala, on the grounds that she "does not feel quite ready" to make public appearances. BB privately laments that he has not yet figured out a way to convince her to change her mind. After this, he quietly reassures Twilight that the Princess will have time for her soon enough if she will only be patient, and then he and Rarity head off to get krunk.

Page break. The perspective now switches to Fluttershy, who as I recall was the only pony to whom Blueblood did not pay a personal visit.

Flutters is, of course, out in the garden (the area that ought by all rights to be called the Menagerie), trying to rustle up some animals to play with. She becomes visibly annoyed at the presence of multiple signs discouraging her from "disturbing" the animals. A sign encouraging her to speak with the Game Warden if she wants to have contact with the animals seems to particularly annoy her; however, she soon realizes that the signs are probably just common-sense warnings intended for the general party guests.

She decides to observe the established protocol for now, and seeks out a Game Warden as instructed. She runs into the same guy from whom Blueblood was taking botany lessons a few scenes ago, and we are given the impression that Blueblood has warned him that a particular pegasus filly might try to seek him out tonight. He agrees to show her around.

Page break. Perspective switches to Applejack. Though she is still a bit skeptical about the changes to her sales approach that BB suggested earlier, she follows his instructions, and is pleasantly shocked to discover that decorating her treats and tacking on an absurd markup seems to be working on the Canterlot crowd.

Page break. Rainbow Dash now. She heads back to the reserved VIP area, flashes her badge, and finds herself standing amongst the entire Wonderbolts squad.

>Dash took a few more steps, cool as ice –
>Before a fangasm struck, throwing her cool demeanor into the punch bowl.
I'm docking ten points for the word "fangasm" here.

Page break. In keeping with the emerging pattern, the perspective now switches to Pinkie Pie.

>A beautiful, rhythmic canon filled the dance hall of the Ménagerie Ursae.
I'm giving back the ten points I docked earlier for the subtle pun here.

Anyway, Ponk appears to have also taken BB's lessons to heart. She reins in her impulse to start dancing and partying, and dutifully minds her manners while mingling with the upper class pones in attendance. She singles out an earth pony named Blue Swift, and after some brief conversation invites him to dance. He accepts, and the two of them begin one of the fancy-dances she learned earlier that day with Blueblood.

The two of them dance well enough that it earns them a round of applause, and Ponk is elated at her success in mastering a form of partying hitherto unknown to her.

Page break. We are now back to Blueblood's perspective. BB is in high spirits from observing that so far his plan has executed flawlessly. He has reined in his natural impulse to screw with Rarity's feelings, and in return he has learned a few things about her: it turns out that she knows quite a bit about gems, for instance. In return, he shows her some of the artwork displayed in the palace.

>His favorite was a gift from Griffin Tribes, made of dragon leather. It took some effort not to show her that 'tapestry.' Celestia had hidden it away in the corner of a trophy room, but hadn't wanted to insult the griffins by getting rid of it entirely. Instead, he had pointed out a more recent addition: a hoof-stitched rug given to them by the Plains Buffalo. It was somewhat crude, compared to so many other fine pieces, but there was an elegance in its simplicity that he had come to understand over the last year or so of loops.
This seems to be subtly highlighting some of Blueblood's growth: the implication seems to be that, while he already knew quite a bit about art from his formal education, he has recently developed a more serious appreciation for it. Presumably the Buffalo rug is something that the old Blueblood wouldn't have appreciated.

However, the bit about the dragon-leather tapestry could be elaborated upon. First, it's a little unclear whether "Griffin Tribes" refers to a tribe of griffins, or if it's a single individual whose name happens to be Griffin Tribes. Also, there is no detail provided about the tapestry itself. What does he like about it? Why did Celestia elect to have it hidden away? Does the reason have something to do with why he decides not to show it to Rarity? Is it a naughty tapestry? The implication here is a little vague.

>>329628

Page break. At this point, we are given our first hint that, while BB's plan is thus far working as designed, it may not be producing the results he'd hoped for.

He and Rarity sit down in one of the inappropriately named menageries to take a break and look at the stars. He specifically chooses a spot where the two of them will be visible, in order to instill as much jealousy as possible in the assorted mares wandering around. He assumes that this will please Rarity, but to his surprise she seems a bit melancholy. However, he can't really get much of an explanation out of her; she assures him that he has been a perfect gentleman and has shown her a lovely evening.

They are soon joined by Applejack, who has completely sold out of her stock of fritters and pies and what-have-you, and managed to make 1,000 bits. Again, though she ought to be pleased with herself, she seems a bit down. She still seems a bit confused that ponies were willing to pay such a high markup for her treats, and now that she has sold out of her wares, she has nothing to do for the rest of the evening.

Another page break, and we rejoin Fluttershy in the garden. She, too, appears to have fallen into melancholy, despite her Gala experience nominally working out the way she'd hoped it would. Though she seems to have made friends with the Game Warden rather quickly, the animals are as into her as as she was hoping.

>Ever since getting her cutie mark, Fluttershy had had a special bond and a way with animals. She had even befriended a manticore. Or at least she had interacted with one without being eaten. She worked with bears. She worked with bunnies and ferrets and mice and butterflies and bees and essentially every non-pony non-plant form of life she had ever encountered in Ponyville. They called to her heart, and she felt free and unrestrained and loved and appreciated and... and powerful... around them.
>Working with animals made her feel alive, like she didn't have a fear or care in the world. Other ponies made her nervous. Even her friends. She felt insecure and hesitant. Animals were different. They embraced her without reservation or duplicity or judgment. She could be herself among them. She didn't need to be 'that shy pegasus.' She could just be Fluttershy.
As an aside, this is yet another good example of the kind of thing I've been talking about. Even though the reader can reasonably be expected to know who Fluttershy is, the author still takes a couple of paragraphs to introduce us to her as though she were a new character, and to give us a quick rundown of her personality and motivation.

Anyway, page break. Back to Blueblood again. He now observes that Soarin and Spitfire are nearby, but Rainbow Dash does not appear to be with them. After a one-sided conversation that must have been extremely confusing for the two Wonderbolts, Blueblood deduces that the reason Dash hasn't bumped into them yet must have something to do with the price of Applejack's pies. He then rushes off, beckoning them along with him. This seems to incite curiosity in Rarity and AJ, who sneak off to follow him as well.

Page break. We now jump to Dash's perspective. Much like her friends, she finds that despite having had a perfectly fine evening, for some reason she isn't quite satisfied. And, much like Rob Schneider, she's finding out that being a VIP pass-holder at the Gala isn't all it's cracked up to be.

The problem is twofold: first, even though her VIP pass entitles her to monopolize two Wonderbolts for the evening, she can't decide which two she would most like to hang out with. The second issue is that, even if she could decide, she doesn't feel right about essentially forcing two complete strangers to pretend to be her friends for an entire evening. So, she has mostly spent the evening hanging around in the VIP lounge, talking to various Wonderbolts but otherwise not doing much. BB then enters, along with her friends AJ and Rarity, and introduces her to Spitfire and Soarin.

Page break. Blueblood and Rarity are now back on the dance floor, or the "Menagerie Ursae" as the text calls it, watching the odd spectacle of Ponk behaving like a lady. BB has just teleported in from dealing with some minor problem or another. Rarity seems to understand that he needs to leave her from time to time to check on things and make sure the Gala is perfect, but he observes that she still seems dissatisfied about something.

>Rarity was quiet, fiddling a little with her sweet flavored apéritif.
I have once again googled the author's French to make sure he is using it correctly. In this case, it could go either way.

An apéritif is a drink that is served before a meal; basically a drink that goes with any appetizers being served. Whether or not the drinks Rarity and Blueblood are consuming count as apéritifs depends entirely on whether or not a meal is being served. We know there is a buffet of some sort, but it may just be some kind of snack bar the crowd is meant to nibble at. I'm not sure if the buffet is meant to count as dinner, or if an actual dinner will be served at some point. In any event, if Rarity and Blueblood have already eaten what they consider to be their evening meal, the drinks they are presently consuming would be called digestifs. Incidentally, I'm aware of how asinine it is to split hairs like this, but I feel like I'm justified. For one, the author has an established pattern of misusing these kinds of terms, so it's worth checking. For another, this is the kind of thing that both Blueblood and Rarity ought to consider an important distinction. Third, there really isn't all that much in this story for me to nitpick, but I feel like I ought to nitpick something.

>Sipping from his glass, the apéritif wetting both the palate and the appetite for more than just an exquisite Gala dinner, he held out his hoof.
Cool, looks like they haven't served dinner yet. I guess the question resolved itself.

>>329635

Anyway, having had enough of their fancy-pants Frenchy beverages, Blueblood and Rarity set them down to have a dance. We are surprised by Blueblood's graceful, conservative fox-trot, and after that they head out onto the steps for half an hour, while we remain watchfully in the garden. Whoops, wrong book.

There are a couple more random Frenchisms flung at us, petite pas and pas de cheval, and apart from the author's accidental misgendering of the word "pas" reeeeee stop triggering me shitlord, both appear to be used more or less correctly. In any event, Blueblood manages to impress both Rarity and the crowd with his sick dance moves and overall suave Chadliness; however, the evening still seems to be missing some indefinable je ne c'est quois. Now he's got me speaking French; seriously, you may feel free to punch me if I keep doing this.

Page break. We finally arrive at dinner, which as far as I can tell has never taken place in any of the other loops because the party gets destroyed before then. The mane 6 are seated together, and they all chat while Blueblood observes the proceedings. He observes that, despite their apparent earlier disappointment, they all seem to be cheering up and enjoying themselves a bit.

Celestia pulls him aside and they have a short conversation. She commends him for orchestrating a flawless gala, but he notices that she seems a little depressed. He seems to somehow intuit that he might have made things a little too perfect, but before he can discuss it further he has to suddenly teleport away to perform the heimlich on a pony who is choking on a dinner roll I remember this being something that happened in GHD. This seems to be one coincidence too many for Celestia, and she asks to have a word with him in private once the Gala is over.

Page break. Blueblood spills his guts to Celestia, who is surprised by his revelation, but believes him. He explains that this is why he has been working so hard to ensure the Gala goes perfectly:

>"A part of me thought: maybe if the Gala goes perfectly, then the loop will end? There has to be a reason why this is happening to me, on this night of all nights. And partly, it was just out of curiosity. Could I even do it?" Blueblood chuckled again, easily. "I think I've gotten to the point where I'm doing things just for the challenge of doing them."
This is probably about as good an explanation for his actions as we could expect.

Celestia, in her turn, confesses that she had been rather hoping that the Gala would be a disaster just to make it a little more fun, but she still congratulates her nephew on all the personal growth he's achieved.

Page break. The Gala has gone off without a hitch, and BB is about to head off to bread. However, he runs into Rarity in the corridor, who asks to speak with him alone wakka chicka wokka chicka.

>She still wore her Gala dress, he noticed, but without some of the accoutrements. Specifically, most of her jewelry had been left somewhere – probably her room – and its absence drew attention to her features. Not for the first time, he thought that she was an attractive mare. Her eyes were a stunning blue, stormy dark when she got angry and bright and light when she laughed; her voice was quite pleasing, provided she wasn't screeching or using it as a weapon of mass destruction. Her coat wasn't quite white, but a very soft and feminine shade of light gray. Good breeding; good poise; even a good dancer.
>She really was regal; a true lady.
No commentary here; I just wanted to once again call attention to this author being good at character description.

>A bit of magic unlocked his private study, and a flash of light activated the electronic lights. Candles, even magical wickers and lamps, were off limits here, just as in the library. A fire could easily destroy irreplaceable documents and records. Sadly, this gave the room a harsher form of illumination than it needed. Some pony really should find a way to dim these electronic light devices. Perhaps he could spend the next thirty or forty loops studying electronic engineering? Not like it would hurt for the effort.
This seems like an odd detail to bring up. Nothing in the story so far has suggested the presence of electricity or electric lights in Equestria, and I don't see how this information is relevant.

My guess is that this is one of those brony-detail explanations that authors feel compelled to insert into their stories: some random autismo detail in the cartoon gets noticed by the fan community, which provokes an autismo online discussion in which everyone comes up with their own headcanon for how to explain the detail. In this case, the occasional presence of electrical appliances in Equestria seem to suggest that they would have electricity, but the fantasy setting doesn't really seem conducive ba dum tss to this level of technology.

Personally, I prefer to leave shit like this alone. Even though an author might have some really cool headcanon he dreamed up for why Rarity is able to own an electric hairdryer, if this information isn't relevant to your story, it's better to leave it out. This paragraph pulls the reader's attention away from what's actually going on in the story in order to answer a question that they didn't ask.

Anyway, there's some more autism about the lights, and then he shows Rarity his office. She asks him about his job, and he explains that while he never took it all that seriously before, he's since realized that it affects the lives of real ponies, and he has endeavored to pay more attention from now on.

He shows her his collection of maps, of which he seems rather proud. This alludes to a small detail that came up earlier: his cutie mark is apparently a map, but he never understood what it was supposed to mean. We also get a quick rundown of how he got his mark: he apparently solved some sort of maze when he was a colt.

>>330094

After some more chit chat, they come to the reason for Rarity's visit. She observes that he seemed to somehow know what she and all of her friends had wanted to get out of the Gala. Like Celestia, she has also noticed that he has demonstrated an uncanny ability to anticipate things that were about to go wrong, such as the falling statue and choking pony incidents from earlier. However, unlike Celestia, she doesn't put the puzzle pieces together. She observes that he put so much effort into making sure that everyone else was having a good time, and subsequently was unable to enjoy himself.

She seems to have figured out that his gentlemanly conduct towards her was mostly for show; or, rather, that he knew that she had a crush on him and that it was her dream to go to the Gala with him, and he was just doing his best to accommodate her wish. While she appreciates the effort, she knows that he's not actually in love with her; he's just being charming for her benefit for the same reason he set up Fluttershy with the Game Warden and taught Pinkie Pie how to dance like a fancy person pony, whatever.

I'm fairly certain there is a scene exactly like this somewhere in GHD, but even if it's plagiarized this scene is still fairly well done. I'd recommend reading the whole thing. In any case, we can examine this bit of it:

>"Blueblood. I don't know if you used some sort of magic to do it. And I'm not angry." He relaxed a bit, and the fashionista lowered her hoof to the floor. "The only pony you didn't seem to bother with was yourself. What did you want out of tonight's Gala?
>"I know..." she concluded, a little sadly. "I know it isn't romance. I know it isn't me."
>Yesterday, he would've snorted at her admission. At her broken heart. Today, he felt terrible; he felt like he'd failed. Not just in making the perfect Gala. But as him.
>"Miss Rarity..." He took her hoof and touched his forehead to hers. "I am sorry. You are a perfect lady. But... I am not a perfect Prince."
>"Next year," she asked, and he felt her breath on his chest as she leaned into him. "Next Gala, I'd like it if we could do what you want. What makes you happy."
In these threads, we've spent a lot of time talking about what bad writing looks like. I wanted to highlight this as an example of what good writing looks like. Seriously; compare this emotional interaction between Blueblood and Rarity to Peen Stroke's saccharine scenes of Nyx and Twilight bawling their eyes out, or kkat's hammed-up, gory, and unintentionally hilarious attempts at tragedy. The difference here is night and day.

The emotion in this scene is understated, but it's communicated perfectly. Nobody is sobbing or rending their clothing here, and nobody needs to. We immediately feel exactly what we are supposed to be feeling, and can clearly understand what these two characters are feeling and communicating to each other.

Even though Rarity got exactly the evening she'd been wishing for, she's still sad because she knows the Prince doesn't actually love her; he just wanted the Gala to go smoothly for reasons of his own. She can't reasonably find fault with him, and she appreciates the lengths he was willing to go to for her and her friends. However, she's still sad because even though she got her dream date with the Prince, in the process she's been forced to accept that her crush on him is completely one-sided.

Blueblood, for his part, has realized that even though he technically did everything correctly and achieved the end he was trying to achieve, he still managed to fuck things up by not fully understanding the problem he was solving. He granted the material side of Rarity's wish without considering why she wanted what she wanted: her wish wasn't to be pampered and shown a good time, she wanted to fall in love and have a storybook romance. It was the same with the other five as well: he gave them all what they wanted, but not quite what they wanted.

Moreover, he now realizes that he's completely misjudged Rarity. In >>329232 , I explained that at the beginning of the story, Blueblood likely found her naive fantasies about the glamor and sophistication of Canterlot annoying, and took some perverse pleasure in ruining that for her. As of the middle part of the story, he's begun to feel bad about his past behavior, and on this particular iteration has gone to great lengths to atone for it. However, prior to this moment, he never really understood what exactly he was trying to atone for.

Blueblood initially disliked Rarity because he thought she was a vain, shallow, empty, naive social-climber. However, he has now gotten to know her and realizes that this isn't the case; moreover, he has realized that this label applies more to him than it does to her. Now, he's grown even further: he realizes that even though he's been trying to give Rarity and her friends the "best night ever" hurr durr I said the name of the thing, his motivations are still cynical and self-serving.

By contrast, Rarity, despite having just had her dream crushed, is thinking only about him: she admonishes him for paying too much attention to others and neglecting his own needs since this is a brony story, I'm sure that her being the embodiment of Generosity and blah blah blah factors into things as well here. He now feels batman, partly because in trying to atone for crushing Rarity's dream before he managed to actually crush again it in a different (and probably worse) way, and partly because he is now being forced to contrast his own nature to hers, and finds it wanting.

Anyway, that's the end of the chapter.

>>330116
>I wanted to highlight this as an example of what good writing looks like.
To each there own I suppose.

I guess I could have missed something since I haven't been following this thread lately and therefore have only read the post I'm you;ing of your latests posts.

I also suppose that compared to anything in Past Sin this is obviously better but if Past Sin's strongest heartwrenching scene was a 1/10, then this is 4/10. I'm not denying some of the aspects of what you bring up but I don't believe in this scene.

It reminds me of the lame cliche of the female love intrest that makes the mc realize how selfish he is and stuff meanwhile the woman is presented as this selfless and almost sexless character that only wants to find true love.

This story is telling me that Rarity, that at the time got fucked about by this guy all night before she got a cake in her face, is now reacting to the fact that she is getting everything she wants but what? Is it going to slow for her? I don't believe that a person who has a crush on someone and then they take their time to spend an even sole with them, would conclude that they don't like them. Wouldn't it be more like that she makes advances and he denies her and she wonders, "Wtf?" It seems that the absence of moves from BB's side is what is tipping her off to the truth but that isn't believable to me. At least, if she goes in for a kiss in private and he witholds her, then the obvious question becomes, "Do you not like me?"

I guess, I'm just saying that while I can see some of your points and agree with the notion that it's better than anything related to Nyx; it is held back, for me, because of the things I stated above.

Reading the work of Chatoyance has been a life-changing experience for the better.

If you're heaping praise on this story for being a tolerable ponification of the Groundhog Day movie (which has been turned into an overdone stock plot almost as overused as The Fantastic Voyage Episode and The One Where They Switch Brains and The One Where An Evil New Baby Or Pet Has Its Misdeeds Blamed On The Old Pet) by making it about a one-off character and a day we're familiar with, that's ok. But reading Chatoyance could make mountains weep waterfalls.

Never has there been an author with such a uniquely fascinating way of writing, such a vivid imagination, such masterful grasp of Kafka, and the only implausible thing about the grim dark future she sees for the future of humanity is that it's capable of providing some semblance of food for its absurdly high population before Equestria flies in to save our souls. I'm definitely not sarcastically fucking around for comedy's sake when I say reading Chatoyance has been an eye-opening experience that should be forced upon everyone capable of sight at least once, and audiobooks or braille should be given to those who cannot experience it any other way or do no want to experience it any other way.

Harry Potter is shit. Fallout Equestria was the fun kind of shit usually even though the ending was a contrived drawn-out mess just like the rest of it. Past Sins and the Celestia Knight one were shit. I don't remember if there was some other one. My old fic was shit too. But the combined works of Chatoyance belong in art galleries. Facing the Mona Lisa and Van Goghs there should be an entire wall stacked floor to ceiling, wall to wall, with framed printed pages of transhumanist ponification fanfiction. This fic has been alright I guess with the occasional nice scene (I liked the Blueblood and Rarity scene). But Chatoyance is on a whole other level. A whole other dimension. Kkat can keep his tabletop formulas and formulaic cliches, I prefer the magic.

Chatotance's fics seem better than anything else on the planet when it comes to pony fiction. They're better than any other pony fic I've read, anyway. These aren't just fanfics, these aren't just real stories, these are literatures that should be held up as vital works of literature in a gigantic movie theatre in Idaho, Florida. Aliens would read this and like us. Possibly. Depends on what they're into. The author might be a misanthropic tranny leftard who loves vaccines and hates Jesus despite writing a story where the rich cunts with megacorps (including medical megacorps) are baddies, but not even Babe Ruth hit 100% of his shots. Chatoyance, short for Chatty Annoyance presumably or maybe it's some gayass obscure term for a light related or space phenomena, doesn't need balls or a bat to hit it out of the park just like the Chicago Mets (lets go baby love the Mets) against the Australian Dingos at Carnergie Ball last Septober 69th.

All memes aside, Chatoyance's work is something I'm glad I got around to reading in full now that I know what I know about politics and writing.

>>330116

Anyway, sorry about the extended absence again. Let's get back to it. We're actually on the last chapter now, so this should be finished up in relatively short order.

(5)

The day begins as usual, with Equestria Girls playing on the radio. It sounds like the two of them mostly stayed up talking all night. BB is now frustrated that for all his efforts, the clock has once again reset and it's like everything that took place the previous night never even happened.

Anyway, he resolves not to fall back into his previous malaise. His current philosophy seems to be to regard every day as an opportunity to improve himself or learn something.

>Inhaling, fortifying his resolve, Blueblood forced himself out of bed and opened the curtains to take in the Gardens below. It was another day; another beautiful morning.
Technically speaking this isn't true.

Page break. BB stands before the statue of Discord in the Garden. Celestia mentioned Discord in passing the previous night, but there hasn't really been much of an explanation given for who this character is and what he represents; the author seems to be mainly relying on the reader's familiarity with the show's lore here. In any case, BB stands in front of the statue for awhile, considers setting him free to see if he could help him with his ketchup problem, but ultimately decides against it.

Page break. Gala time again. The perspective switches to Spike, and the author does a fairly decent job of switching the "voice" of the narration to Spike's style of speech. In any case, nothing out of the ordinary happens; the M6 do their song and dance routine, and then wander off to their respective activities at the Gala. There seems to be an implication that BB didn't perform any direct interventions this time around. However, at the very end of the scene, Spike belches up a letter. He initially assumes it is a message for Twilight, but is surprised to find that it is addressed to him.

Page break. Twilight's perspective. She goes to greet Celestia, and is surprised to discover that Luna is there as well.

>"Happy... to have helped?" Twilight shook the dark alicorn's hoof, surprised that she was more gentle with her grip than she was in toning down her speaking voice.
How exactly would "grip" be a factor here? For that matter, how exactly does hoof-shaking work in the first place? Pastel ponyland can be a pain in the ass to write in sometimes.

Anyway, Celestia is about to explain to Twilight that she needs to stand and greet guests and doesn't have time to chat, when Blueblood points out that decorum only states that one of the Princesses need be present to do the greeting. Since Luna can probably handle the guest-greeting on her own, and seems more enthusiastic about it than Celestia is, he suggests that she and Twilight excuse themselves and spend some time together.

Page break. Rarity's perspective. Rarity is surprised and flattered to note that Prince Blueblood seems to know who she is, despite that they have never met before. The implication of all of this so far seems to be that BB is still trying to ensure the night goes well for these six ponies, but is being a bit more subtle about it tonight than he was the previous night.

Page break. Rainbow Dash now. Dash appears to have somehow rescued a pie that Soarin' wanted (it's unclear how exactly it was in danger), and this serves as an introduction to both Soarin' and Spitfire. The two Wonderbolts recognize Dash as the pony that won the Best Young Flyer competition, and ask her if she wants to hang out. It seems a "scheduling mishap" has ensured that the two of them are free for the evening. Blueblood's involvement is implied but not stated.

Page break. Applejack. AJ is depressed, because the party guests are more interested in the fancy buffet being offered than in the apple confections she's selling. However, she is soon approached by a small throng of servants, who seem more receptive to what she has to offer. Her spirits pick up as she makes a couple of sales. Again, the implication seems to be that Blueblood has chosen a more subtle means of influencing the night's proceedings.

Page break. Fluttershy is in the garden, attempting to molest the animals, when a mysterious white unicorn suddenly appears and asks her what she is doing. She initially assumes that she has been caught doing something illegal, or at least improper, and is worried that she is going to be kicked out of the party. However, the unicorn who is most certainly Blueblood himself, though kudos to the author on keeping to Fluttershy's perspective and describing him as a stranger, since Flutters would not know him in this iteration of the loop assures her that she is not in any trouble.

He explains that many of the animals in the garden were captured wild, or were rescued from abusive situations, and as such they are not as tame as the animals she is probably used to. As such, it will probably take longer than a single night to befriend them. However, he assures her that she can come back to the garden at any time in the future and see them if she likes.

Page break. Ponk now. She is bored and depressed because none of the fancy ponies appreciate her unique and exuberant approach to partying down. However, her spirits pick up when the orchestra leader announces that there has been a rather strange request.

It turns out to be a very strange request indeed. Spike, who can apparently play the piano, ascends the stage and performs, of all songs, "Shake a Tail Feather" by Taj Mahal. This is a pretty bizarre out-of-world reference, but whatever; the point is, Ponk dances and has a good time. At the end, she is approached by a strange white unicorn, who offers to show her how to dance in a more traditional style.

The implication seems to be that the message Spike received in the earlier scene was likely instructing him to sing this song, specifically for Pinkie's benefit.

>>330621

The perspective now returns to Rarity, who is presently searching for Blueblood. It appears her goal for the evening is once again to seduce him. However, she runs into Applejack and Fluttershy instead. It turns out that the two of them are having a pretty good evening so far: Applejack nearly sold out of her stock of fritters and whatnot, and Fluttershy...hasn't gotten herself thrown out of the castle for molesting animals, I guess. Yet.

Anywho, it turns out that Fluttershy wants to find Blueballs so she can thank him for teaching her not to molest animals, or at least to have the decency to buy them dinner first. Since Rarity is also looking for him, they decide to all go look for him together.

As they are searching, they are eventually drawn to a spectacle taking place on the dance floor. Celestia and Blueblood are dancing together, along with a number of other couples. Pinkie and Twilight are also dancing. Unsurprisingly, Celestia and Blueballs are the center of attention. Rarity is crestfallen, because she now feels intimidated about asking him to dance.

>Impossibly, Pinkie Pie's front legs stretched to pull them in closer once they entered Pinkie-range.
Things that work well in a visual medium, particularly in a cartoon, don't always translate well into text.

Anyway, it seems that Twilight is also a bit perturbed at watching the two of them have so much fun together.

>"Why Twilight," she cooed. "Are you jealous?"
It's not really this author's fault, but thanks to Fallout: Equestria I can no longer hear a female pony cooing, purring or nickering without dying a little inside.

>Abruptly, the music became a slower, but still energetic concerto, punctuated with a bassoon instrumental solo. It reminded Rarity of the countryside, the day after Winter Wrap Up – the fields coming into bloom for the first time, life renewed and a reward for the work put in by everypony in town. It was a beautiful and romantic piece, and as much as Twilight was her good friend, it was the kind of music she would have preferred to share with...
This is a good way to describe music in text: give the reader a general idea of what it sounds like, but focus most of the narration on trying to connect it with whatever feelings or memories it inspires in the characters listening to it. The author would have been better served if he'd done this with the pieces that appeared earlier, instead of directly referencing specific compositions.

In particular, the reference to the Taj Mahal song was just flat-out bizarre; unless this is a GHD reference I'm not getting, I can't think of any reason why an author would want to do something like this. Frankly, even if it is a GHD reference, I'd still advise strongly against doing stuff like this. Equestria is its own world and has its own artists and composers. There might be analogs for different styles of music that exist in our world, but it would be pretty damn weird if these ponies were actually familiar with our pop songs and classical pieces. As I've stated in other reviews, referencing things from outside the universe you're writing in is generally a no-no; at best it's confusing to the reader, and at worst it completely breaks the suspension of disbelief.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9oaM0Bzh27w

Anywho, Rarity decides to grab Twilight and dance with her, and they laugh and frolic and have fun together, and Rarity momentarily forgets her troubles. Then, Princess Celestia suddenly cuts in and takes Twilight away from her presumably to groom her for whatever she's got planned for later that evening. However, it turns out that this, too, was subtly engineered by Blueblood: as Celestia dances off to the Royal Rape Chamber with Twilight, the Prince approaches Rarity and the two of them begin their dance.

Aaaand...long story short they dance, and it's magical, and both Rarity and Blueblood seem to be of the opinion that this is the Best Night Ever™.

>"I should warn you," he whispered. "I promised a little dragon that he could dance with you, so I won't have you all to myself tonight."
inb4 the story ends with Spike and Blueblood tag-teaming Rarity in an upstairs closet.

Page break. We rejoin Blueblood and Rarity together in the garden. The Gala is winding down, and no longer needs as much attention from Blueblood. The two of them have been using magic to cut topiaries of each others' cutie marks.

Their conversation suggests that the story is winding down, and capn_chryssalid is attempting to bring it in for a more or less graceful landing. Blueblood spills his guts to Rarity, explaining that he's always been kind of a dick, and for whatever reason he's always enjoyed being mean to the various shallow mares that find him appealing for various shallow reasons. However, he doesn't want to be that pony anymore. He also apologizes for having initially seen her as one of those shallow mares: from spending time with her, he's observed that there is more to her than that. Rarity, for her part, confesses that she was initially attracted to him for his social status and sophistication and so forth, but has found that there is more to him than she realized. And so forth and so on; you all probably get the idea.

Anyway, they kiss, there's fireworks, and the scene ends with the two of them teleporting off to bed where presumably Spike is waiting with a couple of eight-balls and an economy-size drum of Astro-Glide.

Page break. He wakes up to the same song as usual...but this time, Rarity is sleeping next to him. Achievement unlocked: Day Two.

There's two more page breaks after this, but they are very short and mostly just provide a little wrap-up: one focuses on Celestia and Luna at breakfast wondering where BB is, and the other focuses on his two servants that usually dress him, wondering the same thing.

Anyway, that's it; that's the end of the story. Another one down. I'll finish up with some final thoughts momentarily.

>>330741

Addendum - there is a small author's note included at the end of the text:

>For the curious:
>I imagined the piece Celestia and Blueblood danced to, to be akin to "Schubert's 'Fantasie' in C major, aka the 'Wanderer Fantasy' for Piano & Orchestra."
>Which then became a slower piece like "Concierto de Aranjuez" when Rarity and Blueblood danced.
>I think I've let my personal love of classic music seep into this fic a bit too much.
>Of course we mustn’t forget another classic:
>"Twist it, Shake it" (Shake Your Tail Feather)
>Ray Charles (1930-2004) (RIP)
Apparently I got it wrong; it was Ray Charles who wrote the original version of that song, not Taj Mahal. This actually makes the intended reference a little clearer: the song in question was used in The Blues Brothers, which was from the same general time period as GHD ackshually, I think the two films are about a decade apart; however, John Belushi, Dan Ackroyd and Bill Murray were all contemporaries and, I think, alumni from the same generation of SNL.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2PRkUDZXDkk

Anyway, while I can appreciate the author's overall taste in music and film, I stand by my original assertion that he should not have referenced specific pieces from outside his chosen setting. If he really wanted to include these pieces in his story, the way to do it would have been to provide a very general description of the music in the text, and then include footnotes with the referenced compositions that basically just say "this is an example of the kind of song I had in mind while writing."

>>330747

Final Thoughts:

I actually don't have a whole lot to say here; overall, this was surprisingly good. In one of the earlier threads, some anon asked me if there were any MLP fanfics I've read that I actually liked, and at the time I had to answer 'no;' apart from some scattered greentext stories I've read here and on /mlp/, I have not thus far been overly impressed by the efforts of the brony literati. However, thanks to this story I've amended that view somewhat.

While it isn't perfect, this is by a wide margin the best thing I've read and reviewed in this thread series. The key to writing a good story is to not only have a good idea, but to execute it well. Most of what we've looked at so far has failed in one or both of these areas:

>Sun & Rose
Good concept but poor execution

>Assed Sins
Poorly-thought-out concept and very poor execution

>Friendship is Oatmeal
Reddit-tier midwit concept and utterly horrendous execution

>Failout: Edgequestria
Pretty much the worst thing I've ever read

>Nigel's Silver Star Thing
LA CREATURA

Considering that this is where the bar is set, I think capn_chryssalid deserves quite a bit of praise. He chose a simple, entertaining, and promising concept, and used it to create a fun, lighthearted and amusing romantic comedy. It's not a particularly deep story, but that's okay; it wasn't really meant to be at least I don't think it was. If I were teaching a special-ed course on how to write autistic fanfiction about colorful cartoon horses, this faggot would get the highest grade I've given out so far: a B+.

The basic premise was "GHD with ponies," but unlike kkat's "Fallout with ponies" concept, chryssalid actually ventured below the surface of his idea. Rather than just churning out a wacky homage to the comedic stylings of Bill Murray with horses instead of people, he attempted to get to the core of what made GHD the film that it was, and put genuine thought into how best to emulate it using the characters available in the circa-2012 MLP canon.

From this starting point, he produced a character study of Prince Blueblood, a one-shot background character whose portrayal was not especially positive in the one episode in which he appears. Chryssalid manages to take this unlikable minor character and transform him into a sympathetic protagonist. The resulting story takes a well-known episode of the show and presents it from an entirely different point of view, creating a unique story that can stand on its own with or without the reader's having prior familiarity with MLP and its characters. In short, this is the first author we've looked at who was able to successfully use fanfiction as a vehicle to create a transformative work with artistic value in its own right.

As to the story itself, there are several things he does well. I've observed at multiple points throughout this review that the author does a fine job of describing characters and locations. He also does a good job of writing from the perspective of his characters, and in keeping the focus on the characters he is writing about, rather than just focusing on the M6 because they're the main characters of the show.

He also avoids a couple of pitfalls that a story like this could have easily fallen into. As Nigel (as well as the author himself) observed, a GHD-style "time-loop" story is a pretty well-traveled idea. This format gives the author an almost unlimited license to dream up wacky what-if scenarios about the universe he's writing in, and as such it's a very popular format for a certain kind of obsessed nerd fan. When writing something like this, there is a huge temptation to go off the deep end with headcanons and what-if speculation; a story like this can easily devolve into an endless Reddit-tier circle-jerk about all the wacky things that could happen in a time loop. As such, the story ends up being more about the concept of a time loop, and less about the characters actually inside the loop. This author more or less avoided all of that, so kudos there.

That said, there are a few things that could be done to tighten the story up a bit. I've already mentioned that Blueblood's reactions to being stuck in a loop don't always feel believable. I think the author could have put a bit more thought into how this character would actually react to this situation, and how he would go through various states of mind in a fairly predictable order (denial, anger, bargaining, etc). I've already gone over this extensively so there's no need to repeat it here.

Also, I feel like the story rather abruptly shifts focus to the M6 about halfway through. While Blueblood still remains the central character, it's not clear why he decides to suddenly start paying so much attention to these six ponies that he previously had no interest in. Part of the problem is that, while the author hints from the very beginning that Rarity will be an important character, she doesn't really factor into the story until around this time. His connection to the M6 is obviously through Rarity, but the author doesn't really develop it this way. Instead, he gives us a rather vague, clumsy explanation about Blueblood suddenly deciding that, because the M6 are the "Elements of Harmony" (a concept which is itself not well-explained), showing them "the best night ever" must be somehow crucial to breaking the time loop. The chain of reasoning that led him to this conclusion is not made clear.

I would solve this by giving more early screen time to BB's early disastrous encounter(s) with Rarity, and as he gradually realizes that he is interested in her, have that interest expand to her friends as well. Also, as I mentioned earlier, I think having the story begin on Loop Zero, instead of Loop One, would make a huge difference. It would introduce the reader to all of the essential characters and events, and make the story much easier to follow.

>>330779

Incidentally, I'm sorry if this review was a bit dull compared to some of my others; paradoxically, a better-written story generally produces fewer amusing shitposts. Apart from nitpicking the author's high-school-level French, he didn't really give me a lot of material to work with as far as bantz were concerned. Good for him, bad for all of you, I guess.

Anyway, that's about all I had for this one. I may actually return briefly to this story in about a week or so, as I wanted to take a look at how closely this text follows the plot of Groundhog Day; however, I will need to rewatch the film in order to do that. I actually have it on good authority that it might be shown on this very website, at around 5:30 PST this Friday. Until then, however, I don't really have any more notes.

Stay tuned. Next up is Our Girl Scootaloo, by Cozy Mark IV. I've skimmed a bit of this story already, and let's just say that I don't expect there to be any dearth of material for gay jokes this time around.

Until then, I bid you all adieu.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsM_VmN6ytk

I'm glad this story didn't go on for 300k more words than it needed to, constantly tacking new skills and resources and superpowers onto the main character. I'm glad Twilight didn't team up with Blueblood to store backups of everypony's minds inside Blueblood's so that when he loops he can restore the memories of the mane six to help them maintain their growing skillsets and power levels through subsequent loops dedicated to powerwanking their power levels and levels of importance until the audience gets bored. I'm also glad this story only looped one day instead of his entire life, and didn't ruin the point of the GHD by making every fifth or so loop an Alternate Universe or crossover with some other kiddy franchise like Pokemon or RWBY for no apparent reason. Most of all I'm glad the focus remained on the main character most affected by the loop and allowed them to have agency in the function of the loop and the quest to break it even though most of them ended up unaware of the loop. It would suck gay balls if the story rendered the mortal characters irrelevant by introducing flat-character gods in charge of the omniverse who do important maintenance shit to the supercomputer keeping the omniverse running offscreen while the characters we read about entertain themselves without consequences or meaning over the course of multiple lifetimes waiting for the gods to fix the fabric of reality and then wipe away the minds of every life form aware of the constant loops. If random characters retained their memories of past lives in time loops sometimes but not all the time, that would get confusing and stupid fast. Especially if they got into adoptive family trees so complex you'd need a flowchart to keep track of it. Although the concept of someone being different from who they normally are during an AU or Crossover and then retaining these memories and their changed personalities once their universe returns to normal sounds like an interesting concept, like a villain who remembers being a hero and sees this as a chancs to change or a Twilight Sparkle who remembers having Batman as a father figure and portals into another universe to search for him even if he remembers none of this in his current loop, I doubt anyone who'd write something as homosexual as all the homoshit I just said could ever do such a big concept justice.

Whoops, hit New Reply too soon.

Anyway what does the list of fics to read in what order look like now, Glim?

>>330793
Next is Our Girl Scootaloo followed by the Chatoyance thing.

>>330800
Excellent. Have you tried using RapidReader to read these faster? I have ADHD and this helps me concentrate.

>>330804

Speed isn't really a factor. If I were just reading these books to read them I'd probably blow through them fairly quickly, the idea here is to go through them slowly and closely analyze how the text is constructed. Speed-reading it would kind of defeat the point.

>>330785

Just one more brief note about TBNE before we move on. I rewatched the original GHD film and paid special attention to how closely the plot of this story followed it. For the most part, my notes on this story haven't really changed all that much, but there are a few things that are probably worth mentioning.

The author made a good decision in using the film as a rough guide, rather than trying to remake it shot for shot with ponies instead of humans. Several scenes in this story overtly parody scenes in the film, and the rough structure of the film's story is used, but by and large this story does its own thing. Again, I think this was the right choice on the author's part. For instance, the character of Larry in the film doesn't really have a direct analog in TBNE, but you don't really feel like anything is missing.

By and large, this is a good approach to writing a parody story, or any other kind of story that is based on a preexisting work. Rather than trying to mimic it scene for scene, you use the base story as a jumping off point and/or a general reference, while ultimately letting your story move in the direction that it wants to. The King Battlebrit story that Sven likes, Castles Made of Vapor, is also a good example of this: it uses Raymond Chandler's The Long Goodbye as a jumping off point, and most of the main characters in the story are direct analogs for characters in Chandler's story. The plots mirror each other as well, up until roughly the point where the autismo detective is interrogated by the police. Once the mystery gets going, it veers off from Chandler's plot entirely and becomes its own thing.

Anyway, rewatching GHD mostly confirmed observations I've already made regarding this story, so the main changes I'd recommend the author make are ones I've already pointed out.

In the film, Bill Murray's character is not immediately dumped into the time loop. The first few scenes of the film are devoted to exposition: we are introduced to the character and his personality, get a few examples of how he treats others, and are walked through the significant events of the original Groundhog Day. The story begins in earnest the "next" day, when he wakes up to the first iteration of the loop. You'll recall my recommendation that TBNE should have done something similar: have the story begin with a quick walkthrough of the events of the original Grand Galloping Gala, seen from Prince Blueblood's perspective.

My second main point was also confirmed by rewatching the film. In GHD, Bill Murray goes through several distinct, clearly delineated mental states over the course of the film. The model I suggested using for this was the classic Five Stages of Grief model: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. The film doesn't follow this model exactly, but you can clearly divide Murray's behavior into distinct states that progress logically from one to the next at key points in the story. I would probably describe Murray's states as: confusion, jubilation, depression, newfound resolve, acceptance/resolution.

Here is basically how it works in detail:

>confusion
Murray is understandably freaked out by his weird deja-vu experience. He spends the first few loops trying to figure out what the hell is going on, at one point confiding in Andie MacDowell's character and going to see several doctors.

>jubilation
Still not understanding why he is stuck in a loop, but having more or less accepted that it is happening, he realizes he can pretty much do whatever he wants with no consequences. He proceeds to goof around and do reckless things, and also learns to use the loop itself as sort of a reality hack, getting to know a person in one loop so he can exploit what he learns in the next. Once he begins noticing that he's attracted to MacDowell's character, he attempts to use this hack to seduce her.

>depression
A crucial turning point is when Murray realizes that he can't win MacDowell's heart through dishonest means. He spends multiple loops learning everything he can about her, until finally he is able to show her a near-perfect day. He comes close to sealing the deal with her but blows it at the last minute; after this, he is unable to replicate the perfect time they had. It is at this point that depression sets in: he realizes that he is trapped living the same day forever and ever, and nothing he does on one day will matter the next. The novelty has worn off, basically. It is at this point that he begins attempting suicide in various ways.

>newfound resolve
Once it becomes apparent that he can't kill himself, Murray once again begins using the time loop to his advantage. However, this time, instead of using it to exploit people or to pull silly pranks, he uses his time to improve himself and learn new things. He reads books, learns to play the piano, and so forth and so on. It is also around this time that he begins to take a serious interest in the well being of others, using his knowledge of events to rescue people from various misfortunes. Another pivotal moment in the story occurs when he tries multiple times to save a homeless man from dying, but ultimately can't.

>acceptance/resolution
Eventually, Murray reaches something like a zen state, where he no longer cares about either exiting the loop or using it for exploitation; he accepts it at face value and attempts to use his knowledge and skills to make life better for the people of the town. Andie MacDowell takes notice of his changed behavior, and they end up once again having a magical day together. However, since this time around he is not cynically trying to manipulate her, she doesn't detect any deceit or dishonesty in his actions, and thus accepts his feelings when he expresses them. The pivotal moment occurs when Murray tells her that even if it's all reset the next day he doesn't care, because he loves her. She accepts his feelings this time, and he finally exits the loop.

>>331257

As I've pointed out, the main problem that TBNE has is that in the early part of the story, Blueblood's emotional states are rather muddled. In particular, he seems to skip most of the confusion stage, and tends to jump schizophrenically between jubilation and depression. As such, it's a little hard to understand his motivations, and his actions don't always feel believable. As I also observed, the jump from depression to newfound resolve seems to just sort of happen without any clear reason for it; he also suddenly pivots his attention at one point from focusing on himself to focusing on the M6, without any obvious explanation. When we examine the structure of GHD, we can see why.

There are clear turning points in the plot that delineate where Murray's character progresses from state to state. He goes from confusion to jubilation at the point when a couple of drunks he's hanging out with make an offhanded comment that makes him realize he can do whatever he wants. Jubilation to depression occurs when his attempt to seduce MacDowell fails and he realizes he is permanently trapped in a situation where his actions will never matter. Depression to newfound resolve occurs when he once again spends another day with MacDowell and realizes that he genuinely loves her, and the penultimate transformation occurs when he selflessly offers his love to her while fundamentally understanding that he can't expect anything in return.

Conversely, TBNE lacks similar turning points. The main reason for this is a difference in focus: from the beginning, GHD keeps its central focus on the developing relationship between Bill Murray and Andie MacDowell's characters, punctuated by Murray's silly antics. In TBNE, Blueblood doesn't take much notice of Rarity at the beginning and spends almost no time with her; the story is focused entirely on Blueblood's grappling with the existential quandary of a time loop. Thus, there's nothing for the story to pivot on. Instead of Blueblood deciding to help the M6 because he realizes he loves Rarity, he decides to help the M6 for some vaguely-defined reason that (apparently) has something to do with the Elements of Harmony, and realizes in the process that he loves Rarity. The result is that the story overall doesn't have anywhere near the same amount of emotional punch as GHD, and much of the early portion, while more or less entertaining, feels meandering and unfocused.

The solution is more or less what I prescribed to begin with: make Rarity a more significant character from the beginning, and restructure Blueblood's character progression into distinct states, which pivot on crucial developmental moments between his and Rarity's relationship. Include an expository section at the beginning that sets the scene and introduces the reader to the events of the Gala, rather than just recapping them.

Anyway, that's pretty much the last of my notes for TBNE. Next up is Our Girl Scootaloo by Cozy Mark IV, which we will begin momentarily.

New Story:

Our Girl Scootaloo
by Cozy Mark IV & Jan. McNeville

Source:
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/91215/our-girl-scootaloo-1-of-3

Total Word Count:
125,576

Synopsis:
>Just as a lonely man once found a filly Rainbow Dash, so did a tiny Scootaloo turn up in the backyard of a loving couple with no children of their own. Years later, Prof. T. Sparkle, Ph.D, writes the official biography of one particular Earth's first Pony citizen, with instructions to 'talk to anyone you need to and don't censor anything.' Rated T and now 20% cooler.

Chapter One: Why is there a Time Portal in the Backyard?

The text starts off with a long portion of italicized text, that appears to be a prologue and/or framing device, probably set after the events of the story we're about to read. It's easier if I just paste some of it in:

>"Well, I have the first chapter done," the lavender alicorn pony sighed. "I'm still not sure why you picked me to write this, Scoot."
>"You're the best writer I know, you're good at research and you're unbiased. I trust you to tell people the real story, not the sugar-sweet censored-up thing everyone in two different worlds expects." The orange pegasus smiled. "Also, you write faster than anyone else I know and the advance from the publishing company is enough to live on while you wait for your fellowship to start. Even guest professors need to publish something."
>"Publish or perish, yes. It's partly what left Starswirl the Bearded to languish in obscurity for so many years. If he had just thought to hire a proofreader…"
We are literally three paragraphs into the text, and I already hate the dialogue in this as much as I hate Hell, all Montagues, and OP.

Anyway, holy jeez; this shit just keeps going and going. I can already tell this one is going to be an...interesting experience.

On some level I have to say I'm a little impressed. Most of the authors we've looked at have managed to rein in the severe autism for at least a couple of pages. Past Sins, for instance, I remember actually having a pretty well written opening scene, and the rest of them managed to at least fool me into thinking the book might not be absolutely terrible for at least a chapter or two. This one, however, is just insane, babbling autism right out of the gate. I don't even know what the hell I'm reading here.

As far as I can tell, what we are witnessing is a conversation between Twilight Sparkle and (a possibly older) Scootaloo. There appears to be some sort of connection between Equestria and the human world; as far as I can tell, both Scoot and Twilight reside here, and Twilight appears to be a professor or something. Again, the autism pretty much fires off a mile a minute here, so it's hard to tell exactly what the fuck they are talking about. However, I think the basic gist of it is that Scootaloo is asking Twilight to ghost-write her autobiography, or something like that.

I'm not even going to attempt to do a detailed summary of all of this, but here is a brief summation of what we learn (or can infer) from the prologue:

>Scootaloo appears to be adopted, and her adoptive father is an engineer of some kind
>her adoptive parents appear to be human (this is partly inferred from what I already know about this story's premise)
>Pinkie Pie has written a cookbook that is apparently giving JK Rowling a run for her money on the bestseller list
>Rarity is now a "gay icon" (not making this up), and there is a hit broadway musical about her
>Applejack is some kind of venture capitalist or something; apparently she sells brand-name cider or something
>Rainbow Dash has entered into some sort of unholy partnership with Gatorade
>for some bizarre reason, the ponies now celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, and Hearth's Warming

Anyway, apart from this, the main thing I would like to call attention to is that the dialogue in this is fucking atrocious. Anyone already familiar with either of these characters will immediately note that they don't sound even remotely like themselves; everyone else will simply note that they don't sound like anybody else, either. This isn't a conversation that would ever take place between anyone, either human or equine; this is a massive expository infodump about characters we haven't met thinly veiled as conversation.

ANYWAY, after this, there is a page break, and the story proper begins. The implication seems to be that the text we are about to read was written by Twilight.

The story opens with yet another massive infodump, this one about the David character who was referenced in the prologue:

>David Jayne Martin had grown up in a God-fearing family, attended church and even at a young age, wanted to know all about how things worked. When he worked on machines and computers things worked out well, and at a young age he earned the reputation as the go to kid for any and all computer problems.
The phrase "at a young age" appears twice in succession and feels redundant.

Anyway, we learn that David (presumably human), is a thoroughly dull, cookie-cutter urban liberal with a pretty standard backstory. In all likelihood, he is a thinly-veiled self-insert for one or both of the authors (this appears to have been co-written by two people). To save time, I'll sum him up neatly:

David Jayne Martin was a bright, curious lad with a predilection for science, who is also gay. He was raised in a conservative Christian family, with all of the usual baggage that sort of thing entails for this sort of person. His parents sent him to a private Christian school, where he got good grades, but he soon realized he wasn't like the other boys and blah blah blah; all of that shit. He then grew up, enrolled in a more liberal college that his parents disapproved of, explored his gay side, and blah blah blah; all of that shit. Eventually he met another faggot, and they fell in love.

We are now given the other faggot's extensive backstory, which I will cover in my next post.

>>331277
Is it funny that Our Girl Scootaloo 2 of 3 has fewer likes than 3 of 3 and 1 of 3?
what kind of person would like the start and end of a story but skip the middle?
shit like this is why I do not consider the likes and dislikes on fimfic legitimate valuable information. That, and the abundance of stories that are liked for being popular but rarely if ever read to completion and reviewed accordingly. Fimfic's highest rated stories are some of the worst war crimes ever committed against literature. Like Failout Fagqueefstrywhore.

>>331282
Not terribly. People start reading, and stop after the first one and give it a thumbs up or they read through the sequels and give the last one in the chain a thumbs up.

>>331277
Were you going to make a new thread? When you do make a new thread, link to the previous threads and the name of the book reviewed, so we can more easily reference things
Somehow, earlier in my fandom... career... I read all but the last chapter of 'our girl scootaloo'. Couldn't take it anymore and just stopped reading it. I think what bothered me the most about this one was that they tried to take themselves seriously in the writing of it. Faggot.

Do you think this lesbian story will hide adult comedy but lesbian in the story with clever subtlety or just shoehorn nonstraightness everywhere?

>>331283
I was actually planning on just using this one until it hit bump limit so as to not clutter up the catalog, but I suppose it might make more sense to have a separate thread for each book. I'll go ahead and make a new one.

New Thread:
>>331344 →