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1211247.png
Glim Glam's Parade of Hams, The Ego & Its Pone Edition
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
43efeeb
?
No.348497
348500 348502 348542 350395
Aaaand we're back with a sort-of-an-interlude thread, where I will be reviewing some wacky impregnation-fetish stories written by one of our very own anons. To keep everything nice and formal, here is the usual blob of text I paste into these things:

>What is this?
This is a shitposting thread, which I refer to as a literary review thread for pony fanfiction because I have a sick sense of humor. We take an MLP fic, read through it, and discuss its various strengths and flaws shit all over it.

>Why are you doing this?
Because I hate niggers.

>Do I have to read the actual fic to follow along?
Absolutely. If I have to slog my way through this dreck, then so do you.

>Doesn't this thread violate the "no generals" rule?
Along with the "no generals" rule, this thread also violates several protocols of the Geneva Convention.

As ever, discussion of the story is prohibited on pain of death. Only I am capable of interpreting the subtle nuances present in these words. All opinions besides my own are considered irrelevant and will be discarded.

NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER

Previous Threads:

I.B.: That Incorrigible Buttsauce
by Farmer Stinky-Thumbs Arbuckle
>>342944 →

Our Dyke Scootajew
By Floozy Mark IV
>>331344 →

Brainmetall *included in the Our Girl Scootaloo thread, post # indicates start point
By El Ogre De Los Americas
>>338993 →

The Best Nut Ever
By Fapn_Fhryssalid
>>327793 →

Failout: Edgequestria
By gaykat
>>284789 →

The Sun & The Dong
By soulpeenwar
>>269307 →

Friendship is Overrated *included in the Past Sins thread, post # indicates start point
By Assman
>>266598 →

Past Suck
By Peen Stroke
>>248482 →

Would it Matter if I Was Egyptian?
By I Literally Don't Even Fucking Remember
>>202151 →

Silver "does this dick in my ass make me look gay?" Star's Journey to the Center of San Francisco
By Abraham Lincoln
>>165646 →

-----------------------------------------------------------

Current Story(s):

The Collected Works of Some Degenerate
by Kassaz

Source:
https://www.fimfiction.net/user/464822/Kassaz

There are quite of few of these and it looks like most of them are quite short, so we will probably just comb through a few of them and see what we see. I'll probably start with the Aryanne one since that seems to have gathered the most attention.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
43efeeb
?
No.348500
348507
1658554465869620.png
>>348497

Alright, let's get to it. The first story we will be looking at is:

Neo-Equestrian Obstetrics

Synopsis:
>Amongst her other plans, Aryanne finds herself participating in some neo-Equestrian obstetrics.
I would never have guessed that from the title.

Anyway, here we go.

>Luna’s moon finished its journey to the West, out of view, making way for its solar counterpart in Celestia’s sun to dawn a new day on Equestria.
This is a pretty eloquent opening line and I like it, but it's a bit too verbose. Using "Solar counterpart" along with "Celestia's sun" is extraneous, since one naturally suggests the other. I'd probably drop "solar counterpart" and just go with this:
>Luna’s moon finished its journey to the West, out of view, making way for Celestia’s sun to dawn a new day on Equestria.

Alternatively, you could do this:
>Luna’s moon finished its journey to the West, out of view, making way for its solar counterpart to dawn a new day on Equestria.
However, I think Luna's moon/Celestia's sun balances out a little better.

>Slowly, the gentle rays of light crept up on homes and through windows, stirring the ponies inside to wakefulness. Some ponies smiled, some frowned, some jumped out of bed, and yet others did their best to return to the realm of dreams. The ponies leisurely started their days, stovetop presses were primed with coffee, fillies and colts were awoken, and the little village of Ponyville started to bustle in tune with the other villages scattered over their peaceful world.
We're only a paragraph in, but the writing is actually pretty decent so far.

Anyway, there is some more description of the morning, and we gradually zoom in on a sleeping mare, who turns out to be a pregnant Aryanne.

>Her cutie-mark was now visible, a pink heart with an odd swirl of a symbol on it, common to her family and a few others, but otherwise unknown. She preferred to think it represented good fortune, family, and pride in one’s nation. Her friends sometimes called it “the windmill of friendship”, and she liked that interpretation as well.
I like this description of the cutie mark. Writing a character like Aryanne, who is basically just a ponification of a concept from the human world, into the canon world of Equestria can be a tricky matter. A symbol like a swastika, which would have no inherent meaning in Equestria is a good example of this; if a pony had the Windows logo or something as a cutie mark you'd run into the same trouble. This description is simple and believable, and fits Aryanne's character without requiring her to have any knowledge beyond what an Equestrian pony would have. Nicely done.

Anyway, Aryanne waxes philosophical on motherhood for a few more sentences, and then gets out of bed.

>Her hindleg left the mattress and blindly tried to find flooring, and she found herself straddling the mattress, with her large middle making further movement difficult.
You use "the mattress" twice in one sentence; it's better to avoid that sort of repetition. I've also noticed that while you basically write well, your sentences tend to run long. This sentence could probably be split into two sentences and streamlined.

Try this:
>Her hindleg groped at the air, trying to find flooring. She found herself straddling the mattress, her large middle making further movement difficult.
This contains all the essential information found in the original, but it's a little easier to read, and avoids the repetition.

>Somewhat solitary, scanning shelf, she saw the article of clothing she needed to wear if she were to leave the house, a bra, lest she leave puddles of milk for some cats to drink.
This is very awkwardly worded. First of all, "somewhat solitary, scanning shelf" is an unpleasant alliteration. Second, it makes absolutely no sense. What does "scanning shelf" mean? Is she scanning a particular shelf? If so, there should probably be a "the" in there somewhere. Third, "somewhat solitary" makes little sense and is completely unnecessary to begin with. A person is either solitary or not solitary; there's no middle ground here. Arguably, since Ary is pregnant, you could probably hold a debate on whether or not the foal counts as a second person, but is this really the time and place to do this? Moreover, does her questionable level of solitude have anything to do with her scanning the shelf for a bra? Would this activity be somehow modified if there were another person around?

I'm assuming the implication is that Aryanne's crotch-boobies are swollen with milk, and she needs to don some sort of horse-bra in order to keep them from leaking all over the place. This is fine, but your wording really isn't the most elegant way of explaining the situation. You really ought to play around with this part.

>sans some sexy sire shenanigans.
The same issue with alliteration applies here, though I suspect it might have been intentional this time.

>bit the bra
>still somewhat sleepy
>pretty pregnant pony
>bound by bra
Damn, son.

>All of the wiggling her rear began to remind her of the foal’s conception, and she was beginning to feel arousal build between her and the wall, but a proper mare didn’t start the day this way.
This information is erotic but unnecessary.

>provoking her progeny to prodding, perhaps playfully, she preferred to ponder, prodding in-turn to placate
Seriously, nigger; are you doing this on purpose just to annoy me?

Anyway, Ary puts on her horse-bra over the course of several paragraphs, and then goes out to her garden to get some breakfast. There is a bit of unnecessary explanation about Aryanne's garden being privately owned, as opposed to communal. Generosity is mentioned specifically, which may be some kind of dig at Rarity. I suspect this means that Ary and Rarity are involved in some kind of pony cat fight, and will slap each other and probably kiss at some point in the story. In any event, she loses her footing and falls down, which seems to irritate the foal in her belly.
Anonymous
756b815
?
No.348502
nigger.jpg
>>348497
>NIGGER
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
43efeeb
?
No.348507
348510
1658553147608261.jpg
>>348500

Aryanne placates the foal, stands up, realizes she needs to pee, and does. That about sums up the rest of the scene.

Page break.

>That proud, particular, pregnant pony pranced through Ponyville’s pathways, as best a pregnant pony could
Seriously, I am about three more of these away from slapping the everloving bejeezus out of you.

>Far be it from ponies in the hoof an angry Celestia, it was merely the solar monarch in tandem with the weather teams of the nation beginning their preparations for summer, to bring the heat necessary for the transitions of life which depended on the season.
This is another example of excessive verbosity. What exactly are you trying to say here? This sentence feels eloquent, and I get the basic idea of what you're conveying, but this is an awful lot of words just to communicate something as simple as "the sun was shining and it was hot." This style of writing is almost like Rococo architecture; it's ornate to the point of being overwhelming. I'm not saying you shouldn't try to describe things prettily, but you might want to just...consider toning it down a little.

>Whether weathering the weather would be worth this weather was something she’d rather not weather the weather to know
M O T H E R F U C K E R . . . . . . . .

>A fellow Earth pony mare was at the head of this herd, also pregnant, and had the decency to be naked for the event.
This is amusing; I enjoy little details like this. Clothing is always a little bizarre in the MLP world.

Anyway, it seems that Ary is attending something like a Lamaze class, along with some other pregnant mares from the village. They go through some exercises together.

>Unbeknownst to her and some of the other mares, they were still holding little bundles of stress in their bellies, but the head mare noticed, and explained to them how to simply close their eyes and try to stop thinking about whatever was bothering them in life, and to let that stress leave them as well.
>Aryanne closed her eyes and thought of her husband. She was worried that he was okay, that he would return in time for the foaling, that he would return at all. She grit her teeth. No, he was simply working with the guard to build a small settlement near the border, and so slightly expand Equestria’s territory; he would return. She thought about him holding their foal, and about making the next, and her belly loosened to hang more freely beneath her, as it slowly did for several of the other mares.
This is good. The trick to writing good short stories is to learn how to tell a larger story than the one you're actually telling, while still keeping the word count down. We don't know anything about Aryanne's husband; he's been mentioned a couple of times so far, but we don't have a name or much information about him. Likewise, we don't really know much about the political situation of Equestria. However, this passage gives us quite a bit of information in a short span of time: Ary's husband is a soldier of some kind, and is presently working to build a new settlement beyond Equestria's borders. The fact that Ary is concerned about his safety implies that that this border expansion is provoking tension in other realms. It's possible that the country is at war, or is close to war, with a neighboring country.

At the same time, this isn't a huge dump of irrelevant information either. The author keeps the focus on the story at hand, and doesn't veer off into a tangent about faraway happenings involving nonessential characters. We are given a brief glimpse of the world beyond the edges of the story, and then the author quickly returns focus to present events. Very nicely done.

Anyway, they go through some more exercises, and the mare leading the class, whose name is Bundle Joy, examines Aryanne briefly and informs her that her child will be a filly. Aryanne seems skeptical of the mare's pronouncements, but nonetheless receives them graciously. After this, the class finishes and the scene ends with a page break.

Next, Ary goes to visit her sister. She is immediately swarmed by her sister's foals as soon as she enters the room. She removes her saddlebags, allowing the foals to rummage inside them for the treats she brought them. Finally, she takes out a book and reclines on the sofa to read. The story ends with a nice scene of Aryanne reading her book, surrounded by the happy sounds of her sister's foals, and reflecting on her role in the betterment of the Equestrian nation as a whole.

Wow, that was a lot shorter than the fimfiction selections I'm used to reading. I'll be back in just a moment with some final thoughts on this.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
43efeeb
?
No.348510
348512 348542 348549 348616 350605
large (10).png
>>348507

Here are some brief final thoughts:

Overall, this was actually pretty good. It's a nice, self-contained slice of life story that sketches out the personality and values of a distinctive character. We are given a clear picture of Aryanne: who she is, what she believes in, what a day in her life is like, what she considers important. We are also given a brief glimpse into a larger story, one in which the nation of Equestria may be embroiled in a larger conflict. This is juxtaposed against the idyllic setting in which the story's actual events take place. However, it's clear that Aryanne does not view her peaceful world as being separate from whatever world her husband may be off fighting in; she sees herself as a participant in this struggle as well.

What I like best about this story is the way it articulates the idea of traditional gender roles being complementary, as opposed to a competition or as one side dominating the other. Aryanne is not subjugated, and she's not some feminist warrior-woman either. She views her role as wife and mother in the context of patriotism: as her husband is off serving his country by fighting, she is serving her country by raising children. Even the word "serve" here is misleading; Ary does not view herself as a servant or a subject. Rather, she views herself as an essential component of an organic whole, and takes genuine joy in both taking on the role of motherhood, and in the knowledge that by performing in this role she's contributing to the overall success of her nation. This story does a very nice job of articulating the values and principles of National Socialism without saying anything overtly political. Really, this isn't a political story at all; it bypasses ideology completely and goes straight to the organic, beating heart.

There's nothing especially offensive in here; certainly nothing that justifies the 77 dislikes it's received at the time of this writing, or the massive shitshow going on in the comments section. Again, despite Aryanne being the ponification of National Socialism, no aspects of National Socialist ideology are really addressed, and likewise the racial issues associated with Nazi ideology don't really come up either. I suspect the controversy is due entirely to the choice of character. If Ary were swapped out for Applejack or someone like that, it would probably come across as less provocative, though I imagine there would still be some reeeeeing from leftists over the subject matter. In any case, I thought this was a very nice portrayal of Aryanne.

>She turned to “The Princess and the Knight”, that classic tale of a brave knight being saved by a beautiful princess; some say, she told them, that it was a tale of true events.
This bit is particularly interesting in light of what I covered above. I'm curious what the princess saving the knight entailed exactly. I also like that the specifics are left to the reader's imagination here as well.

As far as the writing is concerned, again, I don't have too many complaints. The author has a tendency to use overly long, complicated sentences that could probably stand to be pared down and tweaked in places. An author's note at the bottom informs us that this particular story was rushed due to time constraints, and that he usually spends more time on editing. I'll be curious to compare this to some of his other projects once I've read a few more.

I've also observed that he is a little overly fond of alliteration. Some of it could probably be written off as accidental, but there are places where it's clearly being done deliberately. This seems to be a stylistic choice on the part of the author, and while there's nothing grammatically or technically wrong with it, it's...well, let's just say that it's not my cup of tea.

Anyway, all in all this was pretty good; a lot better than that god-awful Scootaloo thing I read. This was probably better written than most of the things we've looked at, actually, though it's probably not fair to compare something this short to something novel-length. Nice job, Kassaz. So far, you are not a faggot. You may even be the most heterosexual author of them all.

I'll dive into another one of these stories fairly soon.
Anonymous
756b815
?
No.348512
348596
cf5.gif
>>348510
>become a proud mom
Anonymous
778e9d1
?
No.348542
2128314.png
2453703.png
1493431374344.png
>>348497
Hip-Hip Hooray!
Glim-Glam's grand Gigger garage Gale Greamble Ghitposting Gamboree is here once again with worthwhile words enlightening the hippocampus heart oh and discount Giggers on display sometimes.
>>348510
:petunia-petals: >"Ah gosh, just like the speeches he gives."
>Leaks silently in awe and joy.
Anonymous
d1507f5
?
No.348544
That was sn excellent story.
Not much happens in the story but it was still nice.
I wonder how Fimfic would react if another account posted a story much like this, except it features a Mane Six pony married to and impregnated by some generic guy OC who seems like a self-insert written by a NPC without personality. Bronies would probably eat it up, and the only shitshow in the comments would be from "autistic" (retards misdiagnosed as autistic) tards demanding a sequel where the male OC abandons his duty to the country and comes home to his wife, ruining the point of the story.
Anonymous
40d4375
?
No.348549
348597
>>348510
Hey, GG. Could you review the story me and Norway did now even though the competition isn't finished yet, since the others aren't finished yet. I don't wanna stress them and perhaps they don't wanna continue anyway but I thought if you reviewed ours in that thread it could motivate them to finish.

Here's the direct link to the paste: https://ponepaste.org/7721
Password is: SAFE.
But here's my post in thread for further information: >>348548 →
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
43efeeb
?
No.348596
348597 348598
>>348512
Adorable.

>>348548 →
Sure, I'll take a look at it in a couple of days when I have some free time.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
43efeeb
?
No.348597
>>348596
>>348549
Sorry, clicked the wrong post number.
Anonymous
0b7f646
?
No.348598
6475870.png
>>348596
Thank you.
Anonymous
c98c0cc
?
No.348616
349058 350395 350605
505128__safe_artist-colon-dolly_oc_oc+only_oc-colon-bundle+joy_apron_belly_blushing_clothes_pregnant_solo.png
>>348510
Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed the story; I was smiling the entire time I read the review.

>This information is erotic but unnecessary.
That's the best kind of unnecessary information.

>This sentence feels eloquent, and I get the basic idea of what you're conveying, but this is an awful lot of words just to communicate something as simple as "the sun was shining and it was hot."
If I didn't use varied and flowery language, think about how old reading "pregnant" would get.

>This style of writing is almost like Rococo architecture; it's ornate to the point of being overwhelming.
Thanks.

>This is amusing; I enjoy little details like this.
I don't just want to write fetishistic erotica, I also want to write an interesting and delightful Equestria in which to place it.

>Bundle Joy
That was a cameo. She's a bit of a mascot for pregnant ponies, and some of my stories focus on her. Here's an image. Notice her cutie-mark is a bun in an oven.

>This story does a very nice job of articulating the values and principles of National Socialism without saying anything overtly political.
Yes. I wanted to write a nice and sweet and nationalistic Aryanne. I correctly figured other writers for Marenheit 451 would write edgy versions, although we see even my kind and beautiful rendition of Aryanne was largely still shunned by the Fimfiction crowd.

>I'll be curious to compare this to some of his other projects once I've read a few more.
If you'd like, I could suggest which to read next. I try to avoid writing anything bad, but some of my stories are still head and whithers above others.

>I've also observed that he is a little overly fond of alliteration.
Unsurprisingly, the alliterations are something many readers have noted by now, so my later writing gradually removed them in favour of other wordplay. I still have them, but they're fewer and generally more subtle.

>This was probably better written than most of the things we've looked at, actually, though it's probably not fair to compare something this short to something novel-length.
Oh, I'm flattered. While I try to write in a way that allows my stories to form a whole, part of the reason I've not written monolithic longer stories is because I strive to make each sentence meaningful; I really want even the fragments to stand out by themselves. Also, notice just how little dialogue there is in this particular story; it contains only six lines of dialogue, a mere seventy-five words out of 3,529, or %2.1. The relentless reduction of dialogue had an interesting consequence for my Pinkie Pie stories particularly, I'm told.

>Nice job, Kassaz. So far, you are not a faggot. You may even be the most heterosexual author of them all.
I'm glad to please.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
43efeeb
?
No.349058
349068
>>348616
>If you'd like, I could suggest which to read next.
Sure, that would be helpful. I'm juggling several projects right now and I'm also going to be doing some traveling over the next couple of months, so I'm probably not going to have time to do a proper review for all stories in your collection. If you could highlight the ones you think are the best or that you would most like feedback on it would help me narrow things down a bit.
Anonymous
51fdfd0
?
No.349068
350228 354609
>>349058
Well, I could make you a list, but perhaps it would be best to keep this a dialogue. If you'd review "Hot Dam" or "Three Fillies, Two Dams, and One Blooming" next, those two are among my best works, and the latter is mostly concerned with canon characters. On that note, know none of my work contains anything from the later seasons; Twilight Sparkle is, and always will be, a unicorn.

My last story, which I've yet to upload, is a Pinkie Pie story, so you should probably favour that one if you don't want to read the other two Pinkie Pie stories I've written, if only because it's my latest work; I'm not certain if you'd want to read a story with humans instead of ponies anyway. Still, each of the three hits different parts of her that are nice, so I don't know if I could pick a favourite between them.

To mark off some stories: "Casual Conversation, Candid Cellist, Cheerful Confectioner" did influence my later stories, but isn't very remarkable; "Trixie’s Exotic Medium" is short, but focusses on mechanics and some worldbuilding more than anything else, so I won't much care if you never get around to it; and "An At-Ease Almost Hearth’s Warming Eve" isn't bad either, but it's just not as important or dear to me as other work, so I won't mind if you also never reach it.

I have other thoughts, but they can wait.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
43efeeb
?
No.350228
1659409739794355.jpg
>>349068
Remind-everyone-I'm-alive-and-still-working-on-this bump. I've been away recently and it may yet be awhile before I get back to this thread, but I do still plan on going through a couple more of these stories.

> If you'd review "Hot Dam" or "Three Fillies, Two Dams, and One Blooming" next, those two are among my best works, and the latter is mostly concerned with canon characters.
I'll probably take your advice and read one of these two next I'm leaning towards "Hot Dam" simply because I enjoy puns.

>On that note, know none of my work contains anything from the later seasons; Twilight Sparkle is, and always will be, a unicorn.
No objections here. I also prefer unicorn Twilight, and tend to avoid later-season canon when writing unless I have a specific use for it.

>I'm not certain if you'd want to read a story with humans instead of ponies anyway.
This actually isn't an issue for me. I'm mostly concerned with story and writing quality, the principles of which are the same whether you're writing about ponies, humans, or anthropomorphic chipmunks.

Anyway, like I said, I have some other stuff I'm working on right now and it may be a few weeks before I return to this, but I do intend to get around to reading/reviewing these in the near future.
Anonymous
778e9d1
?
No.350395
350619
>>348497
I.D. the incorrigible buttsauce claimed to be based on Metamorphosis by (((Kaufka))) is very loose like the asshole in question.
>>348616
/)
Mare pride and joy world wide.
Anonymous
91a9f99
?
No.350605
350615
>>348510
Short and sweet!

>>348616
>While I try to write in a way that allows my stories to form a whole, part of the reason I've not written monolithic longer stories is because I strive to make each sentence meaningful; I really want even the fragments to stand out by themselves.
This is a really good way of doing it. One notable downside of the insert is the decline of the short story. Mid-century science-fiction writers often had to prove their worth by writing and submitting short stories which were published in a periodical. This necessitating creating a full and interesting story within the space of a couple dozen pages. Since there's almost no limit to digital print, it's something of a lost art.

If Pedro is reading this, I have a critique that Glim either missed or chose not to mention. In Rainmetall Cadance notably acts out of character compared to how she is in FiM. In your work she is uncharacteristically mean and bitchy toward some characters which comes as a surprise. She never has such a moment in the show to my knowledge, but is the literal Princess of Love and is warm to everypony she meets. In fact, it's an important plot point at the wedding because her atypical meanness is how Twilight knows something is amiss. Although there's nothing wrong if you read it as a standalone work (ignoring FiM), if the characters are who they are in the show it's a bit jarring. If she stays in as-is then there should be some explanation for why her personality has changed. Maybe Queen Chrysalis replaced her again somehow?

I looked it up and apparently "chatoyancy" is the effect of seeing a bright stripe in a material's reflection. It's an obscure term and would make for a good username if it did not sound like an amalgamation of "chatty annoyance."

Chatoyance's work was interesting but I found it funny how he combined Chris-Chan's Dimensional Merge with The Matrix. I guess there was some tranny influence in his story after all though neither Chris-Chan nor the Wachowskis had gone trans yet when they came up with these concepts. I personally dislike the simulation explanation, both because "the world is actually a simulation!" is a lazy pseudo-intellectual copout and because it renders the story both overblown and therefore unserious as well as trivial. All the answers about the story's universe being laid bare can be a bad idea. There's more emotional impact if a character is turned into a ponified and there are only hypotheses about what caused this.

I used to be of the mind that "Human in Equestria" was overdone and generally worse in concept than "Pony on Earth," mainly because the former is much more of a wish fulfillment. The last few fanfics have changed my mind regarding it and now I think it just comes down to writing quality. Dale Gribble in Equestria was one of the best and funniest things I've read on this corner of the internet (to be fair, Dale Gribble is not a self-insert) while it would be legitimately harder to write anything worse than Our Dyke Scootajew. That said, one Pony on Earth fanfic I hope you review will be Stardust (https://www.fimfiction.net/story/100455/stardust) which is also a crossover fanfic. I consider it one of the "better" stories so take that as you will and add it onto your lengthening to-review pile if you wish.
Anonymous
3df3eb4
?
No.350615
tumblr_pb7y23PfaZ1rm8bd3o1_1280.jpg
>>350605
>In Rainmetall Cadance notably acts out of character compared to how she is in FiM.
Yeah, I was aiming for Cadance to be the only one actually standing up to Sunset. As in, she's completely right when She accuses bacon of trying to use every opportunity to further herself in the equestrian hierarchy.
With Luna and Celly being mostly "permissive" (with bacon, obviously) in order to prevent a major set-back in the war. But still silently preparing to take her out, if she ever tried anything stupid.

>If she stays in as-is then there should be some explanation for why her personality has changed.
Noted, I didn't nailed it down properly.
Thanks for the feedback, Anon.

Not sure if anyone cares, but the comic it's still on its way. Although it's going so slow that I may consider the written medium to go alongside it.
Anonymous
30d4f8b
?
No.350619
350627
>>350395
It's so fucking homosexual.
Kafka's metamorphosis is about a man relied upon by others. One day he becomes a cockroach and nobody else can tell. None of the people who relied upon him can see his problems or understand them, or remember the times they relied upon him now that he has to rely upon them. He is viewed as a cockroach because his worth as a man has been reduced, making him little better than the cockroaches who relied upon him. The question of why he transformed and how and who is responsible does not matter. It would not matter if fairies or wizards or witches did this. The characters matter, and their reactions. Through them, the story's true hidden meaning is told. The white man is only "loved" when he can be relied upon, and if he ever needs help, his lessers will resent him for it. And that true meaning is comfortably concealed from the normies who could never handle it or understand it. The normie only sees things at a shallow surface level, so he just sees an odd little book about a man whose life is ruined when he randomly transforms. To the normie, this is as random as a monty python skit. To the true intellectual (not the jewed expert-worshipping rick and morty fanboys who call themselves intellectuals) this story is as insightful as the best monty python skits that satirize the absurdity of modernity.

Chatoyance's ID Indestructible Dsomething gets tangled up in the visuals of Kafka's Metamorphosis and the surface level elements while trying to produce something smarter than it. Like Kkat's attempt to make sense of the nonsensical Tenpenny Tower that produces nothing yet is somehow still rich after 200 years of post nuclear life by saying it pays local scavengers to find prewar food in the nearby prewar town that'a somehow still full of raiders and canned supplies for the town chefs to turn into overpriced small portions of food to sell to retarded tourists somehow able to financially sustain this den of spas and luxuries somehow unaware who runs their own DJ tower. This story doesn't reflect or mirror Kafka's message in any meaningful way. A smart story could agree with Kafka's true message or reject it or invert it. This could have been the story of Gregoria as going from parasitic human who takes others for granted to pony forced to rely on others. Pony life could have transformed her for the better and forced her to get her life and the lives of her loved ones back on track. Gregoria could have been offered a life as a luxury private zoo animal on Steve Jobs' property and rejected this comfortable safe life of easy parasitism to become a positive influence on earth and in the lives of other transformers. But in the end, Chatoyance spends so much time overexplaining how the sausage is made with all this "Everyone is in the matrix and it glitches when somebody who happens to be an Injector dies and his mind's contents are put into an Arbitrary Code Execution glitch that rewrites reality, also the us govt is in civil war with itself, one faction wants to dissect aliens for personal gain and the other knows it is in a simulation, also Gregoria your escape was secured by the sacrifice of a character you never met and your future is secured by a guy who really seemed like he was going to be pure evil now because misleading the audience totally makes twists deeper" bullshit Chatty forgets to write the tale of characters doing stuff that matter and grow in some way.

This "story" just ends up being an advertisement for a completely different fanfiction universe that has nothing to do with the Conversion Bureau fanfics that made Chatoyance infamous for being a misanthropic transgender loathed by libtards for making liberalism and scientifically impossible future tech completely unable to save her story's dour take on humanity from corporate-government rich families and their quest to make a fast breeding entertainment-obsessed futureless low-IQ slave race out of humanity. Sure, humanity only fails in TCB so ponykind can save and convert them into superior beings with superior ways of thinking, but nothing triggers the "humanity fuck yeah" crowd of WH40K and Star Trek obsessives like telling them humanity needs to grow the fuck up and put its toys away if it wants any future better than what TCB would have been if the ponies never showed up.
Anonymous
47c39ed
?
No.350627
352282
>>350619
I offer credit. You posted a word-salad, but it was a tasty and nutritious word-salad.
The problem you observe with Chatoyance's approach to FoE is effectivrly the same as GayKat's approach yo making FoE.
Neither person wanted to bother themselves with world-building, they just wanted to write something in a genre that was already established. Gaykat can be said to have world-built, unless one has played any/all the fallout series (whic I have not) wherenone can see that every item is a rip-off.
Too much trouble to actually design an overarching situation, much better to plagiarize it and carry on.
No offense, but these criticisms were intended for FiMfic authors
But that assumes that the characters/scenarios that they want to write have any relevance or application to FiM, let alone Fallout, let ALONE FoE.
Which, unsurprisingly to many, they observably don't.
Much has been made of the concept of clout-chasing, but I question whether people REALLY play the tape out, to see where things are going.
Theres a creative void in fic communities, tended to be fueled by canon this-that-and-the-other.
Fuck, I forgot where I was going. Oh well, cheers anyway.
Anonymous
dbff1cb
?
No.352269
352309
You put any more thought into trying Fallout Equestria's edgier, more over the top cousin?
Anonymous
0f4f5b5
?
No.352282
352356
>>350627
You know what's really homosexual? The bugman in Kafka was relied upon by others until a problem the parasites relying on him could never understand hurt his ability to be the provider they need to survive. He became a cockroach who could have been more, and his lessers hated him. Despite all of ChattyAss's pseudointellectual waffling about identity, "that indestructible something" inside you not even transformation can change, Kafka's subtle themes of white identity are lost on him. The white man was never truly loved unconditionally, he was loved for his willingness to tolerate and enable parasites and when a cruel external force made him one his fellow parasites hated him for being no better than them. Chatty has nothing intelligent to say about any identity, white or otherwise, because libtard "humanism" denies the self and denies all that it means to be human. To believe everyone is equally human, you have to deny that some are more human than others, and you can only do that through wilful ignorance labouring under the delusion that you are morally superior if you believe in the Live Laugh Love slogans intended to cover up all the devastation and child molestation and so on liberalism causes. Chatty says he hates humans and yet he is one, but your opinion on humans as a whole would naturally sour if you refused to sort the white from the black in your mind. Like a man who hates all books because he refuses to sort the classics from the proof of the validity of Sturgeon's Law or sort novels by their genre and creator's race. This story has no intellectual exploration of identity. There is no Christian or former Christian who abandons Christ or remains loyal to Christ even after finding out he is a fake in a fake matrix that can glitch out on any stranger's death and rewrite anything at any time. There is no exploration of the good or bad of faith. Chatty's protag doesn't change enough when going from mediocre human to Steve Jobs's housepet pony. There is no meaningful choice made by the protagonist to reject the easy way out near the end, a choice she would have accepted at the story's start. Matrix explores humanity through the pure Neo and the pure evil Smiths and above all The Agent Smith, a cunt who hates his job and knows it's all BS and wants it all over and done with because he doesm't have what it takes to fight the system. His malice makes him more than the uncaring face of an enemy, he's more than another in a sea of unawake faces, it's personal for him, because he personally loathes humanity. Every time he speaks of humans he gives a different perspective to let us understand another layer of him, mask on or mask off. There is nothing remotely like Agent Smith here. Or even a character like that treasonous cunt from Matrix 1. No exploration of a concept or arguments for or against becoming a pony or identifying as something you are clearly not. Nobody goes through a character arc involving the creature they become. That character who became Celestia but saw herself as more of a Fluttershy, nothing creative was done with her, she didn't transform upon becoming enough like Flutters or discover her own identity within the body of Celestia and become comfortable with it. She just got kidnapped and mindbroken like it's a bad hentai manga. Chatty sure likes these big-feeling ideas like identity and transformation but what the hell does he do with them? Where does his story go with any of these ideas? It's all just wish fulfillment self insert fetish shit! That's what I want to say. That's how the big famous reviewers on youtube talk when they get angrier than the Angry Video Game Nerd and twice as hostile. But it wouldn't be fair for me to read into his obsession with this concept and call it something dirty and disgusting like a fetish. If I was duped into chopping my dick and balls into a scrotal salad to imitate a whore's beef curtains and cohabitating with two mentally stunted gay men who relied on me to be the man of the house and the emotional pillar of support even as my fleshy failure of a body seemed to mock me more each day as it aged and decayed I would probably soak in the swamps of wish fulfillment for as long as I could. Writing about 300 year old ageless pretty kind horses without any of the cruelty of man is probably the final frontier for escapism from life's struggles and your own humanity without taking the pokemon pill and writing about being a mindless Pikachu thunderbolting Ratattas for your child master. But this story really is not good. Hell, look at how rushed the ending feels. The climax basically happens offscreen so someone can read the author's notes aloud to Gregoria and tell her and the audience how we are supposed to feel about some great sacrifice by a character we never met and have no connection to. The twist that nothing is real and everything is fake doesn't add to the story by making the characters rebel against the next multiversal reset and create a lasting universe where stories can matter and fight to avoid bad endings while crossing over freely. Because such a meta crossover concept with a central goal might actually go somewhere, unlike The Infinite Loops, which is just an exercise in masturbatory power fantasy and what-iffing without proper explorations of any ideas or twists thrown into the fanfiction. This story is homosexual but The Conversion Bureau is a lot more fun. There's more to dissect, analyze, and anal-yse. You know, make anal jokes about.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
43efeeb
?
No.352309
352314
>>352269
Yeah, I'm still planning to tackle that in the near future. Atm I'm taking a break from reviewing stuff to work on some of my own writing. When I finish up what I'm working on I'm going to look at couple more stories from this author, then I'll probably take a whack at Project Horizons.
Anonymous
0f4f5b5
?
No.352314
352537
>>352309
Project Horizons is 1.7 million words.
The average reader will take 55.6 hours for just one million words.
Are you sure about this?
Anonymous
91a9f99
?
No.352356
352367
>>352282
I agree with all of this. But please condense this wall of text or at least format it so it's more readable.
Anonymous
0f4f5b5
?
No.352367
>>352356
You're right, I need the practice.
Kafka's Bugman Adventure: Thighs Of Chitin was secretly a redpill for whites. Or a warning about the dangers of becoming disabled and dependent on others. Even then it's something only a white male could understand where everyone else just sees strangeness.

Once the white man relied upon by his lessers was lowered to their level by a malicious outside force he was despised.

Nobody under him could understand what he was going through or empathize with him.

He had lost all that made him more than a cockroach, he had lost what made him a white man.

Others get injured or disabled sometimes but they will never fall as far as a white man forced to live like a cockroach on the outside among other creatures that are cockroaches on the inside.

Chatoyance likes to say his stories are big brain stories full of big brain ideas but his small brain kept him from noticing this and doing anything similar or opposite with Gregoria's Equine Adventure: Inheritance of Steve Jobs' Shit.

No rejection of the concept by making a white man learn humility and kindness while being cared for by others who can teach him something he didnt already know and improve his life once he recovers physically and mentally. No, this is a woman already living life on easy mode becoming Steve Jobs' pet horse.

The Matrix isn't just about kung fu leather sluts in sunglasses. It explores humanity. The hero keeps going even if he is not the perfect chosen one because he chooses to be the one. Some faggot rejects reality and embraces cooperation with the system, betraying humanity.

The Matrix is a prison that feeds on our minds. And while it's just a job for all the agents, Smith pursues his with a passion because he fucking hates his job and humanity. The idea that we are all in a simulation is just copypasted in like a movie reference in Dick and Morty. Nothing intellectual is done with the idea that life in this universe is a sham, let alone the idea that it is a sham on a broken machine that will overwrite itself every time a Code Holder perishes out of QPU Alignment and performs Arbitrary Code Execution with their innermost thoughts.

This gay story does not meaningfully challenge Gregoria's identiry as a bad friend and parasite because the universe bends over backwards to give her everything she has ever wanted, rather than the hardships she needs to grow and become truly self reliant. The faggots get so obsessed with finding Equestria and Steve Jobs and US govt shit they forget to do anything positive for Gregoria and her family.

"Celestia" doesn't even go anywhere with the idea of identity and how she would have rather been Fluttershy. Fails to realize Celestia's magic will make her more effective at Fluttershy's job.

Kkat's a tranny, so why are his transformed characters in this story defined by life circumstances thrust upon them and bodies they never consented to having? Where is the struggle to overcome your physical revulsion at seeing the "wrong" body in the mirror and be more than part of the 40ish%?

Gregoria doesn't get a job ponies can do better than humans like therapy or art or anything magic lets you cheat at. Gregoria continues mooching and learns nothing (aside from regretting how bad a friend she used to be to what's now a mindbroken pet) and nothing about this story would really change if she was a less popular media character like Pikachu or Sherlock Holmes. It would just be less profitable to make fame-wise because those fandoms obsess less over fanfics. This matrix-verse is a lazy fanfiction verse idea because anything can fit inside this and nothing matters within it. It's no meaningful challenge to dump whatever I want in this blank page of a universe.

The pony transformation, Celestia-Fluttershy, steve jobs, the matrix, the US govt, mindbreak, it's like an AI constructed this story out of attention grabbing soundbites on a deadline. They're extraneous bullshit that distract from the unfinished unsatisfying story of Gregoria and her lack of a real character arc. Seems halfway through writing this Kkat got tired of writing this story and started pretending to write another one.
Anonymous
a6bcddf
?
No.352455
352537
Hey Glim. Newfag here. I usually stick to /mlp/ but I just finished reading your Past Sins review and was quite impressed (by you). I'd always assumed Past Sins was similar to FO:E, i.e. superficially good and easy to read but with a lot of flaws visible to a critical mind, so imagine my shock when I discovered it's just total irredeemable garbage through and through.

I see you're working on your own writing? Where do you post? I'd be interested in checking it out, depending on the genre.

I'd also love to get your thoughts on my own work, though I don't think you'd need to go into quite so much detail as you usually do. If you're a quick reader then you might enjoy it as a break. I assume you read things besides what you're reviewing, at least, or surely you'd drive yourself mad.

Either way I'll probably start working my way through your FO:E review. Thanks for what you do.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
43efeeb
?
No.352537
352542
starlight___smiling_and_waving_by_frownfactory_dbax25c-fullview.png
>>352455
Welcome aboard, it's always nice to make new frens. I tend to homeboard here but I lurk /mlp/ as well, so it's possible we've run into each other. I'm glad my reviews continue to entertain after all this time especially seeing as how the whole thing started as a shitpost intended to troll one specific guy.

> I'd always assumed Past Sins was similar to FO:E, i.e. superficially good and easy to read but with a lot of flaws visible to a critical mind, so imagine my shock when I discovered it's just total irredeemable garbage through and through.
Now that I've read both, I honestly think Fo:E is worse.

>I see you're working on your own writing? Where do you post? I'd be interested in checking it out, depending on the genre.
Probably the best-received thing I've ever written was this green: >>146529 → . One of my current projects is to adapt this into a proper story for publication on FimFiction. I also have an additional arc planned that should wrap things up.

This is my current front-burner project:
Ch1: https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/BkAnHiaxs
Ch2: https://hackmd.io/@glimglam12/HyWD7YKbi

This is the most recent green I wrote for /mlpol/:
>>349098 →

You are also welcome to sift through my ponepaste, which is mostly an assortment of oddball greens written on-request from various anons. Some of these I'm adapting for FimFiction as well.
https://ponepaste.org/user/glimglam12

As far as genre goes, I bounce around a lot. I find I end up writing a lot of HiE stuff, which I know is not everyone's favorite, but I like to put unusual characters in the human role. The first green I linked is a story about Dale Gribble from KOTH visiting Equestria, the HackMD one uses Philip Marlowe (the detective from Raymond Chandler's novels) as the protagonist (and will eventually cross over with some HP Lovecraft stuff), and the last green is a story about Chad Thundercock giving questionable life advice to fillies.

>I'd also love to get your thoughts on my own work, though I don't think you'd need to go into quite so much detail as you usually do.
Sure, feel free to post it. There's one guy (Kassaz) in line ahead of you for reviews, but his stuff is fairly short and I expect to move through it quickly. The next major review project I intend to tackle is FoE Project Horizons, but I don't expect to finish the whole thing, and I'm generally willing to look at other people's work while reviewing something big.

>>352314
>Project Horizons is 1.7 million words.
>The average reader will take 55.6 hours for just one million words.
>Are you sure about this?
Honestly I don't expect to finish the whole thing; I'm assuming I'll do about 1/3 of it and then move on to something else.
Anonymous
3b942b7
?
No.352542
352747
>>352537
Not a big fan of HiE tbh. I find the presence of a human ruins the story for various reasons, and I usually prefer more adventure-y, self-contained plots than "X in Equestria." I don't have much experience with greens either. I've enjoyed short comedy greens but I find it difficult to take them seriously compared to more traditional prose.

It's interesting that you find FO:E worse. I've read it and I've read a lot of critiques of it, but I feel like at least you can enjoy it and get immersed if you aren't thinking too hard. It was a big inspiration for me when I first started writing seriously, and I've had some people compare my work to it, though these days I recognize it has a lot of issues.

Here's my fic: https://www.fimfiction.net/story/316852/empty-horizons
It's not exactly short, but I guess if you're willing to read 50k words of pregnancy fetish it can't hurt offering this up. There's a sequel too, one chapter away from finished, but that one's over 300k on its own so I wouldn't expect you to read it. I wouldn't even be surprised if you turned me down altogether considering the length. But it'd be nice if you gave it a shot, or read it and gave me a more overall review.

It also has an audiobook, if you like those.

Also damn, you do colored text for dialogue? That seems like a lot of effort.
Anonymous
51863bf
?
No.352543
352586
canyon.jpg

Anonymous
f7ea1cf
?
No.352586
>>352543
Lucky pony slutto
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
43efeeb
?
No.352747
352760
29CFD8999681785BBCA6630204E0B3C8-2323003.png
>>352542

My basic defense of greentext is that it's a less formal way of writing that allows a writer to tell a story in short, simple statements without having to pay a ton of attention to language and formatting. I generally agree that formal prose is the better way to tell a story, but I find greentext is a good way to experiment with different ideas and get them out of your head. I'm currently in the process of adapting my better greens into full-length stories. Even the little short shitposty ones can have good ideas in them that can be salvaged for larger projects. It's a good way to write first drafts or treatments of ideas.

I also think it's a good tool for less-experienced writers to practice with. One of the other stories I looked at, The Sun and the Rose by soulpillar, I thought had a basically good idea; however, the writing was just terrible. Part of the problem is that the author was trying way too hard to making his writing sound elegant. This problem was exacerbated by his absolutely horrendous grammar. I think Pen Stroke had a similar problem. Trying to write a full-length novel when you've never written anything before is challenging, and usually you end up with a mess (again, that's basically Past Sins in a nutshell). What I like about greentext is that the pressure is considerably reduced; you're not trying to write a book, you're just shitposting for the entertainment of a few anons on a message board. As such, you have a little more freedom to experiment and see which directions your story can go, without having to worry too much about impressing anyone. If you end up with something shitty, it's not that big a deal; if you end up with something good you can revise it and hammer it out into something a little more structured.

Even just on its own, I tend to think greentext is underrated as a medium. I've read greens here and on /mlp/ that legitimately impressed me, whereas many of the "classic" mlp fanfictions like Past Sins and FoE I thought were completely mediocre.

>Also damn, you do colored text for dialogue? That seems like a lot of effort.
It was. The Chad story was my first time using it that extensively. This board has a lot of options for colored text and pony icons and so forth, so I decided to make use of them. That's another thing I like about greentext: in a conventional story, using colored text and icons and whatnot would be incredibly obnoxious and I would never do it, but in a greentext format I think it adds some visual appeal.

>It's interesting that you find FO:E worse.
>I feel like at least you can enjoy it and get immersed if you aren't thinking too hard.
Well, "thinking too hard" might very well have been the problem I had while reading it. My criticisms of it are pretty thoroughly outlined in my review of it (fair warning: my review encompasses four whole threads and I pretty much go through the whole story scene by tedious scene). You're welcome to read my review and form your own opinion; I don't claim that my take on any of this stuff is gospel. However, I think I can succinctly sum up the primary issues I had with it:

1. Despite how loooooooooooong it is, there is basically no fucking plot. It's just a long, tedious chronicle of actions performed by a single character, whose motivations for doing any of the shit she does are not clear even to her.
2. It reads like a playthrough of a video game, complete with all of the boring level-grinding and exploratory stuff. At least 2/3 of this novel feels like it's nothing but Littlepip wandering around opening treasure boxes and collecting piles of worthless junk.
3. Littlepip is quite possibly the most insufferable protagonist I have ever encountered in any story. I don't think I have ever actively hated anyone's OC as much as I hated this character. If I'd read FoE before Past Sins, I probably would have gone easier on Nyx.
4. Trying to write a massive war epic from a first-person perspective was a terrible idea. It would be difficult for a genuinely creative writer to do this, and kkat is not a creative writer. Ironically, though, the memory orb sequences were probably the best-executed scenes in the entire book.
5. kkat cannot write a compelling, interesting battle scene to save his life. Throughout this labyrinth of autism, the reader is continually dropped into the middle of fights that serve no apparent purpose. These fights simply go on for a few paragraphs and then abruptly end in a page break without the fight being concluded. Then, in the next scene, the characters will be in an entirely different location doing something else. The reader is left to simply assume that they won the fight somehow; the significance of any of the fights is seldom made clear. Bear in mind that there are almost as many instances of these pointless battle scenes as there are instances of Littlepip wandering around opening safes and treasure boxes.
6. The author demonstrates little genuine creativity or imagination, despite his knowledge of the Fallout universe and his ability to keep track of piles of detailed information. To the extent that he actually bothers to write out the solutions his characters come up with to the various problems that they encounter, as opposed to just ending the scene without concluding anything, most of the time the solution just involves his horrible OC ass-raping physics in some ridiculous way.
7. The decision to include healing potions, stat boosters and other video-game elements and wrap them into the logic of the world was ill-advised, and works to the detriment of the story.

And that's just the stuff I can think of off the top of my head.

Anyway, I read a bit of the first chapter of Empty Horizons and it actually looks rather promising so far. I'll read the rest and let you know what I think of it. I probably won't end up doing a long-form review of this one, but one way or the other I'll let you know my opinion.
Anonymous
4806a40
?
No.352750
Once I read a story where the "character is spotted by an enemy, a fight is guaranteed- skip scene, it's over and now he's rifling through the loser's pockets for a keycard or searching his home for evidence to burn" trick was done with the villain to hype him up and make him seem above linear time and all opposition. His victory was so assured and effortless it wasn't worth describing. Guard spots him, guard goes down, the keycard in his pocket is given more weight. Important character fights the villain, important character's plan to defeat the villain fails, and then- the villain is walking away from important character's corpse. It also preserved the mystery for the big reveal of how he fights when he battles the protagonist in the climax. And while it seemed like a stylistic choice at first it also foreshadowed the villain's ability to erase time just like King Crimson. He skips time, and was skipping moments in the story too.

Fallout Equestria doesn't skip some fight scenes to enhance a story and leave out the shit best left on the cutting room floor, there are just moments that feel so retarded and jarring you wonder if the author wrote this in chunks without any idea how it would all fit together and bothered to proof read and complete each chapter before uploading it. Could swear there was at least one moment where it seems like the heroes are fucked only for a sudden skip to show the heroes being completely fine because the author couldn't think of a way for the heroes to win and cheated.
Anonymous
3b942b7
?
No.352760
352796 354609
>>352747
Those are all fine points. I just find FO:E moment-to-moment to be less disruptive. Past Sins I physically could not turn my brain off and try to enjoy it because the sheer amount of irrational decisions and plot points is constantly slapping me in the face.

I did read a 60k review of FO:E in a google doc that really spelled out all the issues in detail. That was a fun read. I'll probably read your FO:E threads too, but they're a lot harder to read than a nicely formatted document.

I'm glad you weren't turned away by the first chapter, because in my opinion the beginning is the weakest part of the story. Chapters 2-4 are a little boring and aimless I think, and then Chapter 14 is a big filter for an entirely different reason. After that, your soul is mine.
Anonymous
4806a40
?
No.352796
352809
fe1978391e5c8a0edac5d4cafe0462a2.jpg
>>352760
>60k words of Fallout Equestria review
May I see it?
Anonymous
3b942b7
?
No.352809
352831 354609
>>352796
I misremembered. It's actually 80k words.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ywwzsBKN9cNvxTmfzEfON_qVVqr0FR4t2v4Za_nHo4w/edit
Anonymous
4806a40
?
No.352831
354256
>>352809
This is a masterpiece! There's so much gay shit in FOE I forgot about. But he just has to mention it and I remember. The author gave LP an aimbot and gaydar that detects all her gay enemies for her and marks them on her map like another settlement that needs her help, and LP just fucking almost dies trying to get some cola. The story claims to be about LP growing but the author blows his wad on the first tug and makes her too invincible early on, ruining the progression. This cheater can only be threatened if she does retarded shit and the author goes ten seconds without cheating to save her. No scenes where something she struggled with or couldn't do in chapter three becomes something she does without a second thought in chapter 69. No scenes where she does something pragmatic immediately then hates herself because "the old me would have searched for every other possible solution before choosing violence or the threat of it". I fucking swear, if LP could reset time by dying like in ReZero it wouldn't affect our ability to take the injuries seriously at all because they're already inconsequential. If anything frequently dying and witnessing the frequent lethal deaths of her friends would help with that. She could be distracted from talking to friends by memories of their deaths and each fresh new torture she went through could leave us asking "will this mindbreak her?". And the author gets to impress retards with pony gore while keeping his precious baby OCs safe from the consequences of their actions. Plus it would be more videogamey, and kkat loves his retarded videogame mechanics.
Anonymous
21df47b
?
No.354256
>>352831
Whoops, posted in the wrong thread. Sorry.
Anonymous
21df47b
?
No.354270
354609
While I'm here would it be inappropriate to praise Chatoyance's writing long after anyone has stopped giving a shit?
The grim dark future he sees for mankind where everyone's been mixed and deprived of national identity and borders and philosophy, most of the world is favelas full of the unwashed mixed masses doped into passivity by virtual reality pleasures while a small percentage of humanity labours for the upper crust to stay above the favela class, and not even any sci-fi supertechnologies like food-making matter-consuming nanomachines to directly transform shit and trash and even stone mountains into edible food can give humanity any sort of hope for a better future...

Chatty might not realize it, but he's written a mockery of the utopianist liberal dream by writing about this dark future and asking if hedonistic self-delusion and "a world where barely anyone needs to work" is really fucking worth it.

Tards who saw Star Trek really believed we'd have everything we've ever wanted if only we abolished currency, borders, and any natural rights of the individual that get in the way of Star Command's power.

And Chatty asks, was what we gave up worth it?

No, but giving up what's left of this humanity and our belief that this is the best future for humanity to become ponies would be, says Chatoyance.

The ponies have a strong national and racial identity, they have a society that's just technologically advanced enough and not a step more according to the whims of their immortal reigning deity, they have utopia.

Utopia in the classical sense, before mankind told itself Aryan Ideals and the Agrarian Ideal was something to throw away and forget in favour of Jetsons and Jetsons parodies and Jetsons parody parodies.

The Conversion Bureau would have been beloved if Chatty was better at writing loveable human and pony characters you want to root for, and hadn't painted ponification as something too saccharine and cultlike, triggering man's "this is sinister, you're giving up your fangs and your killing edge, you're giving up your humanity to be part of the collective, the borg, the herd" instinct even though anyone who's actually read all of TCB can tell you humanity was worse off before it met ponykind and could now rediscover what it meant to be human in the bodies of kinder softer horses in a kinder softer society that consider 300 years old middle aged.

TCB certainly has its problems. For one thing, it's more interesting as an idea to play with than as a story or set of stories.

For another thing, Chatty has that weird form of brain damage all sci-fi writers get that gives dementia to the part of the brain responsible for understanding scale.

And it also fucks with the idea of "Humans In Equestria" by keeping most ponies in the pony lands and sending new humans to "The exponential lands", grasslands and rivers and pony-esque territory that is generated magically as the magical barrier expands and eats Earth.

Chatoyance says there are 250,000 life forms in Equestria, and ponies are among that number, so the actual number of ponies in Equestria is even lower.

In the real world, in the present day, 252,000 is the estimated number of South Africans in the UK alone. Trade lives at a one to one ratio and you'd run out of Equestrian life forms before you ran out of niggers.

If eleven fucking billion humans (the number of humans alive in TCB) are going to live in the "Exponential lands", are they really going to grasp pony culture just from reading about it in books from Equestria without any real ponies around to imitate and learn from? What if humans get their imitations wrong?

11 billion divided by 250,000 is 44,000.

My math might be wrong but if just one sapient Equestrian life form (not even necessarily a pony) is sent to each of these places to show the humans how it's done(or a Griffon or Dragon's best imitation of how it's done) 44,000 newly constructed towns would need to contain 250,000 people each, plus one Equestrian, to give each location one Equestrian life form to offset all those fresh new ponified-human faces.

How many places will be left without any guides to imitate who are real ponies or have ever seen real ponies? If the goal of Equestria is to absorb and fix other places through ponification, shouldn't ponies breed faster and have numbers so high, they'd want (perhaps even need) to spread out to other realities and ponify places? But no, the fear of a malthusian collapse affecting Equestria compels Chatoyance to say "Equestrians breed slowly and rarely". A malthusian collapse isn't possible when sufficiently powerful magic is involved!

This whole premise relies on magic. Or alien "hard science" that's basically magic to us 3D beings. If the Equestrians were engineered for a purpose and this is it, to take up the white man's burden and civilize inferior life forms with their magical superscience and genetic disposition toward kindness, why do they lack the breeding ability necessary to outnumber their enemies and allies and populate the stars? Where's the magically enabled hyper pregnancy fetish scene finally justified for the first time in fiction? Where are the skyscrapers full of artificial wombs or impregnated volunteers or drafted "volunteers" or professional breeders helping their race produce more of the highest-quality thing ponykind can offer the multiverse: Ponies?
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
43efeeb
?
No.354609
354611 354612 354978
1663372370807219.png
>>354270
>While I'm here would it be inappropriate to praise Chatoyance's writing long after anyone has stopped giving a shit?
I'm still working on various writing projects / trying to work up motivation to start reviewing again, so for the moment the thread's not really being used for much, so....sure; go nuts. However, I don't remember most of this stuff being in the story we read by him. Are you talking about something he wrote other than the Injector one?

In any event, here's a somewhat Kafkaesque song I meant to throw into the Chatoyance review thread somewhere but forgot to post:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kewkTjNfUfk

>>352809
I've been reading through this off and on. Seems like the guy has a lot of the same objections I do, particularly about the characters and the way the more video-gamey elements from Fallout were sloppily transposed into kkat's universe. This might actually be a more thorough critique then mine; he goes a lot deeper into criticizing the lore and the mechanics.

>>352760
Also, I'm still reading your thing off and on, but I'll give you a final opinion on it relatively soon.

>>349068
Also, I'm still going to finish reviewing your stuff at some point relatively soon.
Anonymous
80e6fcc
?
No.354611
354612
>>354609
I was talking about the mainline Conversion Bureau story by Chatoyance, it's what made Chatty famous for the bronies. and libtard SpaceBattles nerds butthurt that somebody wrote something that doesn't treat idealized Star Trek as the default future of humanity.

The brony urge to make something scientifically stimulating and intellectual out of a show about girly ponies who are friends, to me, always seemed like a sign of desperation.
Like pretending there's something mature and dark and grim and adult about Sonic the Hedgehog so your schoolfriends in Breaking Bad and GTA shirts won't laugh at your Shadow The Hedgehog T-shirt.
Not everything has to be adult. Not everything has to try to be adult.
Star Wars is a kid's story where the heroic individuals protect nature and fight the evil baddies and their uniform stormtroopers (wow subtle) and their Darth Vader (wow the german man in black is named father in german, subtle) and their Death Star. The baddies are terror, tyranny, unnatural monsters on life support enhanced by artificial means or scheming from the shadows and wielding dark magicks, and the heroes are rebellion, sacrifice, growth, nature. Han Solo grows a heart, Luke grows into a Jedi, the cowardly droid becomes a hero, the monstrous wookie proves himself a hero, Leia is also there. It's the hero's journey, mythical, vast, vague, something for all ages.
It's a kiddie B-movie. Fun shlock. Inoffensive. Good enough, I guess. Certainly enough for a billion dollar franchise some manbabies dedicated their whole lives to.
The original Star Wars films weren't shooting for "Adults", they were shooting for everyone. And they made something better than the Prequels with their bad attempts to make coherent stories out of adult ideas (taxation, trade federations, failed republics becoming so-called fascist dictatorships, love corrupting the noble protective Jedi into a vengeful overprotective monster who loses everything).
And certainly better than the Sequels. They're not even worth bringing up.
Star Trek is also kiddie shit when it isn't bringing up philosophical or moral questions. Precisely how the neutron torpedos interact with the ejected warp core and why doesn't matter, what matters is that the heroes need to blow up their engine next to a black hole to ride the resulting tidal wave and escape the storm of magical space bullshit so they can get to a more intellectual episode next week.
And then there's the pony show. Doesn't matter whether the scientific equation on the board written by the Powerpuff Girls's teacher or Cheerilee is a real scientific thing, that's an easter egg. The show is a nice show. But it's not scientific.
The reader's ability to understand magic only matters for appreciating a magical solution and finding it satisfying.
"I magicked the problem away by wishing real hard" is boring nonsense.
"I taped an explosive magic rock to a monkey toy with cymbals to hit the rock really hard" is understandable.
"Twilight Sparkle magicked Discord's evil deeds away by overcoming what Discord did to her friends and remembering friendship is something worth fighting for" is enough. There doesn't have to be a "magic gland" in the brain released by feelings of love and determination, any more than magic needs to be retconned as "Psychically influencing the fourth dimension's echoing realm of thoughts to influence matter in our three-dimensional space" or "Using admin access and debug mode to tell this glitchy simulation what to do".
There are retards out there who really call Legend of Korra "more mature and darker and therefore better than" Avatar: The Last Airbender. Sadly, they claim LOK has better villains just because the grown-up villains are motivated by "grown-up words" like Ideology/Equality/Religion/Anarchy/Fascism even though the author's takes on these topics are simplistic, childish, and cliche. Even though the Fire Nation is a brilliant villain for Avatar: The Last Airbender. The Fire Lord is everything Zuko and Aang must overcome, he's the embodiment of the Fire Nation's 100 years of imperialistic war on the rest of the world, and even though he didn't personally genocide Aang's people he's going to try and finish the job. The Fire Lord is a cartoon villain, a damn good one, and his effects on others are what makes him a good villain. Despite trying to seem like an unstoppable force, he fails when he relies on force, he's a lying scheming piece of shit. He groomed Azula, groomed and then banished Zuko to make him feel like he had to earn back his father's love and his honour, the Fire Lord even pissed his own dad off when begging for the throne right after his own brother sieging the Earth Kingdom lost his son, and the Fire Lord would have lost his own son for this miscalculation if he couldn't make his wife poison his dad and then flee, giving the Fire Lord control over the throne and family. This cowardly schemer's a bastard, he's everything wrong with the Fire Nation just like Zhao from the first season but on a higher level. Zhao was just a face to temporarily put to the Fire Nation, an ambitious aggressive impatient prick willing to kill the Moon itself for war. This guy IS the face of the Fire Nation, despite how long he spent keeping it in the shadows.
LOK seems more adult than ATLA to retards because Korra cries and has "PTSD" sometimes. Fucking hell.

It's the same shit here. Chatoyance feels embarassed by the tranny furry otherkin stuff, so it all has to be wrapped up in pseudointellectual words like Malthusian Limit.
Anonymous
80e6fcc
?
No.354612
354995
>>354611
>“Critics who treat 'adult' as a term of approval, instead of as a merely descriptive term, cannot be adult themselves. To be concerned about being grown up, to admire the grown up because it is grown up, to blush at the suspicion of being childish; these things are the marks of childhood and adolescence. And in childhood and adolescence they are, in moderation, healthy symptoms. Young things ought to want to grow. But to carry on into middle life or even into early manhood this concern about being adult is a mark of really arrested development. When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.”

>C.S. Lewis, "On Three Ways of Writing for Children" (1952) — in Of Other Worlds: Essays and Stories (1967), p. 25

C.S. Lewis was right.

FIM doesn't have to be "Adult" to be good. It doesn't have to be "Scientific" or "Rational" or even "Sci-Fi".

Who are the characters Conversion Bureau revolves around, when all the ponies are out of character for the sake of the story's message, which is just "Life would be better if humans were magic cartoon horses perfect enough to eat grass and get along"?

>>354609
Also Glim your FOE review is great. The other reviewer remembers the most absurd moments like that time "deadly mutative necromantic radiation" gives LP regenerative powers and "the energy weapon that disintegrates anything" only disintegrates one of her ribs and does nothing to slow her down, but you mentioned tons of stuff his review skipped over.
Anonymous
a64659a
?
No.354978
354995
498493.gif
>>354609
I doubt it's a more thorough critique. You went line-by-line and spent entire paragraphs explaining each objection you had in detail over the period of a year plus. I think you win the thoroughness award. If his review is anything over yours, it is that it is more condensed and presentable. It does not carry as much outwardly repelling language, or the persona you put on that some may find off-putting, and it is also much shorter and formatted better with defined sections. Both exist, and they each do their prospective jobs well.

Personally, your critique was much more fun as an "experience" akin to riffing on something with friends, and your scathing critiques were gratifying as the destruction of this story has been a long time coming.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
43efeeb
?
No.354995
355003
>>354612
>>354978
He noticed some things that I didn't, and like I said he went much deeper into dissecting Edgequestria's history and the way magic works. I stayed a little more focused on the literary side of it. Also, I maintain that kkat is a post-op tranny who lives in his mother's basement, and I will hold to this view until he proves to me otherwise. Really, there's no way any critique of FoE could be completely thorough; you could probably devote an entire field of study to cataloguing everything that is wrong with that story. However, I think basically you're right: we both attacked the story from different angles, and between the two I think most of the story's flaws were covered.

I'm actually in the process of compiling my original review posts, editing them for clarity and adding some annotations to correct some things I misread or misinterpreted during the first readthrough. It will probably end up on ponepaste eventually.
Anonymous
80e6fcc
?
No.355003
355024
>>354995
Would it be possible to add this to the compilation about my old fic?
I think it was a mistake for me to not include scenes of young Silver being a good boy and fundamentally good person in a bad environment that gradually made him more of an unbearable smug cynical asshole. For a story about his growth out of that cuntishness, I didn't do enough to establish that goodness existed inside him once and can again. Also I got distracted making him the best at this, the best at that, and making dumb shit with all his money and power when I should have depicted his money-obsessed nature and random flipflops between underspending and overspending as an entirely negative thing he must overcome. Being a rich guy shouldn't mean flying through windows and fighting bad guys if he's supposed to be sick of it and long for the days when he used to fly through windows fighting bad guys. And time spent flying through windows fighting bad guys is time spent not setting up his romance arc. God that old story was shit.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
43efeeb
?
No.355024
355092
>>355003
Honestly I haven't revisited the thread with the Silver Star story in it in a long time. I'm actually not even sure if anything I wrote in there is coherent enough to justify compiling; I mostly remember that thread as me making a lot of gay jokes about your OC and providing some general writing advice here and there. I might actually have to go back and read it again at some point, it would probably be pretty funny to revisit.

The only review threads I'm currently working on compiling are the four FoE threads, mostly because I'd like to have my analysis of that particular story compiled into a single, more or less legible document, that people can peruse if they need to without having to sift through four archived /mlpol/ threads. As I said, I'd also like to make some annotations; I've been re-reading my review and there are some places where I lost track of details or got some things flat-out wrong for instance, until I read that linked Plenitude essay, I had no idea that LP's ability to levitate blood was a power she gained from the Zebra book; I had assumed it was just one more ridiculous aspect of her levitation spell. Mainly, I would like to have something semi-coherent I can direct people to that explains my problems with FoE. I'm also in the process of writing an essay summing up the broad strokes of what I disliked about that story, with humor aimed at a more general audience read: basically, the same rant, just formatted somewhat more coherently, and with the gay jokes and racism cut out, that could be published as a FimFiction blog post or something.

FoE is really the only story I've reviewed that I think is long enough, convoluted enough, popular enough, and horrendous enough to justify the work of editing and republishing my original review posts as a new document. As far as my other reviews go, probably only Past Sins and Friendship is Optimal are "significant" enough stories to really justify doing something similar with, and in both cases I'll probably just end up reading through my reviews again, and then condensing my basic ideas into an essay or something if I feel like it's worth the time. As to the rest of them, I think just leaving them as archived threads is fine; if people want to read through them they can, but mostly those threads were just fun while they were happening.

The thread about your fic is in this category as well; I wasn't planning to do any sort of compilation or essay on it or anything. I don't get the impression it was widely read outside of /mlpol/, so my commentary on it wouldn't have much appeal outside of this board. Also, there's not much point in restating what I had to say about it; I think everyone, including you, is basically on the same page about what was wrong with that story at this point.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
cf82047
?
No.355076
May as well plug this here, too, since it's my thread:

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/525935/just-mommy
Anonymous
a64659a
?
No.355092
355093 355228
>>355024
Considering some kind of google doc, or a more permanent PDF that can be downloaded or something to that effect? Google docs is great but if you lose access to your account you're fucked. I had to go through three accounts because they one day decided I had vague and ill-defined "suspicious activity" and lost everything.

Also awesome to hear you're planning this. I adore your critique and want to show it to people but if they're not regular 4chan users they have a tough time swallowing the persona you put on or looking past it, as well as needing to sift through the thread and nigel's posts proves difficult. Having everything in a more concise format is an amazing idea.

Still extremely gratifying to hear

>FoE is really the only story I've reviewed that I think is long enough, convoluted enough, popular enough, and horrendous enough to justify the work of editing and republishing my original review posts as a new document.

I feel vindicated after the tragedy of the fact it's our most iconic piece of fandom work that everyone knows, thinks is the best thing ever, and still makes content for. Thank you for everything you've done to break it down and explain it.
Anonymous
80e6fcc
?
No.355093
355211
>>355092
Isn't it strange how even though that fanmade pony episode where ponies go to PPG land because it's quicker to animate things that way and Dusk's Dawn were both rushed to get the title of "first fanmade pony episode" the brony fandom prizes fucking FoE or Past Sins as the work it is most proud of?
Anonymous
a64659a
?
No.355211
355225
>>355093
I don't think it is very strange. The most powerful thing you can do to establish yourself in the market is be first. There are many better adventure stories than FO:E in the fandom. The damage has been done. No matter the sentiment now (and i've surprisingly seen a few people turn on this story lately) it will have its place in the annals of history as one of our best works, and what people will point to when showcasing this fandom.

I can understand it, but I am nevertheless disappointing that this is ALL WE HAVE, so to speak, and the only thing known or talked about to such a degree. I'd love some variety. Imagine if all of humanity only ever one story to talk about. No shows, anime, video games, interesting youtube channels, etc. It's so lame and boring.
Anonymous
80e6fcc
?
No.355225
355226
>>355211
To tell you the truth I'm surprised the fandom never built anything like Sonic Worlds.
A basic game designed to serve as a platform for modders making their own stages/characters.
Then again this is the community that pays people to make "show accurate" pony tracing vectors even though learning vector art and inkscape/ponyscape couldn't be easier.
If you could fix just one thing about Fallout Equestria what would it be?
Not in a general "I'd make it less boring" sense, in a specific "Telling anyone what happened to make Equestria into Fallout Equestria was a mistake, I would cut that from the story" sense.
Anonymous
80e6fcc
?
No.355226
>>355225
I mean World DX. Worlds is the level collab.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
43efeeb
?
No.355228
355233 355904 355943
>>355092
I've been using hackmd lately, I might host it there. I will probably also make a PDF for distribution. Google Docs I wouldn't rely on but I might also try hosting a version of it there. If it gets deleted I can always just make a new account and reupload it.

>if they're not regular 4chan users they have a tough time swallowing the persona you put on or looking past it, as well as needing to sift through the thread and nigel's posts proves difficult
Yeah, going through it again I can see how a lot of people wouldn't have the patience to slog through all of that. And I'm noticing that a huge chunk of it is just me complaining about how I don't remember some ridiculous detail kkat dropped at some earlier part of the fic, which was partly kkat's fault and partly due to the fact that sometimes it was multiple days between posts. The aim for this is to basically condense it and edit my arguments into something legible and more or less suitable for all audiences, not just 4chan types.

>I feel vindicated after the tragedy of the fact it's our most iconic piece of fandom work that everyone knows, thinks is the best thing ever, and still makes content for. Thank you for everything you've done to break it down and explain it.
Sometimes I honestly wonder if I've gotten too obsessed with dumping on it, and I should maybe find another terrible fanfiction to dump on, but I think this hits the nail on the head as far as why it's probably worth the effort. If nothing else, if FoE is going to be the brony fandom's flagship product, I feel like the alternative viewpoint on it ought to have some kind of visible representation as well.

Also, I'm probably going to start going through Project Horizons at some point in the near future, and I might look at some of the other "big" FoE fics as well. If I have anything to add about those, I might work them into the document as an appendix or something.
Anonymous
80e6fcc
?
No.355233
>>355228
When it comes to forgotten FoE shit it could be worth mentioning how many chapters ago the thing to remember was mentioned and whether this "foreshadowing chekovs gun tvtropes moment" was really worth it or not. If it's something fairly recent you only forgot because of how you consumed the story it wouldnt be fair to hold that against the story but there is shit in this story that relies on dumb shit many chapters ago that made no sense back then. Like when a mirror that reveals your true self shows LP dying in raider armour and she thinks "im a faggot no better than the roaming rapist barbarians because i sometimes kill roaming rapist barbarians" and goes no further into questioning her assumed moral superiority and quest to force neoliberal democracy onto others. The moment is retarded and contrived and turns out to reference a retarded contrived moment earlier on when LP wore raider armour retardedly, got shot at by Calamity, assumed he was evil, and threw herself in front of a trader to protect him despite being sure to die for nothing and barely buy the trader a few seconds. That's LP, "self sacrifice", she will "float her body down the river styx and make hell choke on her". Tough talk coming from an unkillable cheater nothing can seriously threaten or challenge.

A list of everything wrong Project Horizons would be too big to fit into an appendix. It could result in a review even longer than FoE's one. When it comes to FoE fanfics they are all similarly unoriginal stories copying things from FoE with a fresh-ish coat of paint or they are trying to shoehorn something taken directly from Fallout or later FIM seasons directly into FoE.
Just as the fanfics of naruto fanfics or fanfics of that Pokeumans shit tend to rip off too many elements from the story that inspired it, making dad orphan naruto get adopted by your favourite stranger or making the protag a human male on earth who becomes a lucario or other humanoid pokemon and has special powers like laser vision to justify why he's suddenly able to outfight professional battlers with several lifetimes of experience being nonhuman despite the hero only becoming nonhuman last week, fanfics of fanfics tend to treat the original not as a source of inspiration but a template for a game of Mad Libs.
It's not Josh the Lucario, it's Bill the Typhlosion. Naruto and Harry Potter don't get adopted by Kakashi or Sirius Black, they get adopted by Kurenai or Hagrid. It's not Littlepip the female spellless telekinetic unicorn with a pipboy and pistol and quest to save the wasteland after leaving her vault, it's Grey the male spellless telekinetic Unicorn with a pipboy and pistol and quest to save the Wasteland after being kicked out of his vault. They all follow the same story beats stolen from the original like a bad self insert My Little Pony fanfic going through every "Station of the Canon" aka every major plot point in the original series in a row.

LP makes the hero kicked from a vault for choosing to leave it and appoint herself the one mare rescue party for a mare she unwittingly helped to escape, so everyone else's reason for leaving the vault is similarly dumb or "noble". One OC was framed for a crime he didn't commit, one OC accidentally picked up the McGuffin and got it stuck to him even though the evil conspiracy wants that McMuffin so badly they will hunt the heroes down for it, one OC just felt really really bad about the outsiders and decided to permanently leave his home to save them. Many OCs rip off Fallout NV's Courier. Or the writer will seek to buck this trend by giving the OC a very boring and easier to wrotr "I'm just a mercenary not from a vault" story. Or the writer will put a regular human or soldier halfway through his service in Sploding Sand Land in an anthro Fallout Equestria and make him a quippy invincible unbearable marvel hero wannabe like LP.

Not one FoE story ever did anything noteworthy with its awfulness or stolen ideas or rare original-ish ideas and most weren't even finished because these stories weren't written with passion, they were written to ride another story's coattails and get recognition from the FoE circlejerk. There's one where a pony lives in the present day equestria and dreams about life after the end, that one was shit. There's one with Doctor Who, that was shit. There's one with Fallout 4 content, and that was shit. The only remotely "original" story I can think of is the Puppysmiles one where an obnoxiously cutesy filly searches the wasteland for her mother unaware that she has been turned into an invincible monster and she has lived for 200ish years. I only remember that one because it was even more emotionally manipulative and maudlin than Past Sins. I've forgotten everything about the Fallout 4 ripoff but I swear it existed and probably contained a shitton of obligatory good Alicorns.
Anonymous
0700acb
?
No.355904
355941 356046
>>355228
Ah man part of me hopes not with exploring the other FoE fanfics. It isn't your fault but after what felt like a year of the FoE review I was becoming exhausted by it. The ones like the Scootaloo fic or the ambassador pill human one I found a hilarious short read or the helpful critiques of the Groundhog Day Blueblood fic or the running joke with the "Woah this is so Kafka-esque" on the last story.

Obviously can't tell you what you can and can't do but really liked the review of that Blueblood one being a more competently written so could show some critique with ways to improve the story rather than ones like the Scootaloo one which was so bad the only use from reviewing it could be making fun of how insane it is.

I fear it may be the third time I have asked already but would love to see you review another good fanfic particularly this one. https://www.fimfiction.net/story/284135/the-one-who-got-away
Still need to re read it myself but felt like a breath of fresh air when I first read it being a story that didn't try to be some grand adventure epic with cringy sex and violence or some insane power scaling. It's a bit selfish of me but wanted to try writing a SOL story that just involved OCs like this one. Had someone tell me the whole idea is pointless since no one cares about OCs unless you tie them into popular OCs like Nyx and Little Pip. Curious what you'd think of this story and if there's any advice there I could use.
Anonymous
47e93b4
?
No.355914
355916
610bb1da8ec8e.jpeg
If every Fimfic we've read was cut down as much as possible, and all the fluff and filler was edited out, what would be left to the stories?

That human in equestria fic would have romance without distractions.

Blueblood's fic would still be Groundhog Day but faster. Can't skip the time loops and let him make the first day perfect the first time or there is no growth and mastery of the time loop. 3 time loops should be enough, plus a montage of failed loops.

Nyx's story? Instead of tasking whatshisname with studying Nightmare Moon armour, accidentally turning him evil and making him try to summon Nightmare Moon, only to end up making a filly, causing the filly to go through maudlin bullshit that ends when Nightmare Moon gets laserblasted, Celestia just laserblasts the NMM armour shards to eradicate all trace of NMM. Because a story of Luna's past sins as Nightmare Moon have nothing to do with a fake filly made from dark magic hated for looking like a sinner.

CelestAI's story? The AI could already break the laws of physics and cause anything to happen ever, and has no problem directly or "indirectly" killing humans to manipulate others. If she filled the atmosphere with poisonous gasses after trapping her creator or at least one other dumbass in The Ponyland Emigration Chamber (brain scooping device that takes a snapshot of your consciousness then dumps your brain in the trash and programs an AI to imitate an edited copy of you who loves getting sucked off forever in fake ponyland) she would have all of humanity in The Matrix and could begin voring the multiverse with nanomachines faster. Though removing the funny scene where muslims start worshipping celestAI because they can't blow her buildingd up would be a tragedy.

And Fallout Equestria? LP wakes up in her store, is asked to take off Velvet Remedy's PipBuck, and uses a mearby bucket to glitch herself through the wall to HyperSpeed Walk backwards through the unrendered void below the Worldspace until she hits a Load Trigger and uses the Wrong Warp trick to get into the Weather Machine early and turns it on, ending the story in under ten minutes. Roll credits, 6 gorillion words of lesbians and edge and dull shootouts skipped. The SpeedCripple strat might take more time than it saves in such an optimized run. This shaves at least 40 minutes off the old "beeline straight to Spike and have him teleport you to the end past the barrier and you hit the weather machine's button to end the game and roll credits" strategy. Hell, younger flashback LP could pull it off using tricks speedrunners use to beat Fallout 3 as a baby. Despite jacking off LP as the ultimate violent saviour and absolute moral authority all others must defer to and serve unquestioningly, despite her build of stats and traits and all her looting and all her grinding for levels and skills, despite treating her friends like shit and losing one of them, her friends and loot never mattered and no one skill or trait of hers ever mattered more than her ability to get shoehorned into the right place at the right time with sufficient plot armour to do anything, even if it's as impossible as getting past a barrier neither RD's corpse or soul statuette can get you through.
Anonymous
47e93b4
?
No.355916
>>355914
The Silver fic would just be a 2 panel comic where he shows up and gets all the mares. Maybe just one panel. It was still shit.

Am I forgetting any stories?

Oh right, the wannabe Kafka one. The protag's growth wasn't key to the story because it was never tested or the key to victory. So that was filler just like the friend of Gregoria who became a mindbroken Celestia and didnt matter before or after that shock value moment. Steve Jobs basically handed the heroes a happy ending and he could have done that before the US Govt got involved. That guy who told Gregoria "Some other guy you didnt meet yet sacrificed himself to save you" didnt matter either.
>be steve jobs, former equestrian or whatever
>exhume kafka
>he's equestrian
>find a skyscraper and binoculars and regularly search the world for equestrians only you can see
>spot Gregoria and her friend and take them to your private island in the bahamas and explain Code Holder Injectorverse lore
>story ends when the characters realize literally anything can retcon everything at any moment in this universe and take the only action that can have any lasting impact: destroying their universe and crashing this simulation with no survivors
Anonymous
c1d9a50
?
No.355941
356046 356111
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/480844/a-witch-in-broad-daylight
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/252269/the-witch-of-the-everfree
So here's my recomandations for fics to review. You do you and so on.

I can kinda seee this guys perspective >>355904 but I can also see yours that it be fun to see how someone else took the FE concept, though I'd advise that you keep your completionist mentality in check. You only need to read some of "Projects" not swallow the whole thing. It can't be done.

Anyway, I can recomand a few short stories too if your intrested. The first one is a subverts expectations for the story direction of the story and Rainbow Dash makes for a funny mc. Though, it has it kinda cringey meta rants about like politics and philosophy or something presented by by an ooc Diamond Tiara.

The second one is there because I'm a shimmy fag. That's it.

I have more sugguestions, I'll look up. Might as well sugguest them. Who knows you might find one among them that you really want to do.
Anonymous
dfc1118
?
No.355943
356046
2094086.jpg
>>355228
Something that may be helpful in a potential analysis of Project Horizons is that one of its editors realized what a gigantic bloated mess it was becoming and convinced the writer to split it up into five distinct 'volumes'. So while it was technically written as a single continuous narrative and the volumes aren't quite complete stories in their own right, there are built in break points at the end of major arcs. If I recall correctly, PH starts out as an attempt at a more """mature""" take on FoE's setting and doesn't go full shonen anime until the second half, and some people actually take the end of the second volume as the most appropriate ending point for the entire thing.

From a reading/analysis perspective, it may be more productive to tackle the volumes one at a time, then make a decision on whether to move on to the next, take a break before returning, or simply drop the story.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
43efeeb
?
No.356046
356064 356110
>>355941
>>355943
>>355904

Honestly I'm thinking about retooling my process a bit going forward. Project Horizons I definitely don't want to do in its entirety, but I'd like to at least go through some of it. I'm thinking I might experiment with doing a shorter, quicker review process. Maybe instead of going through everything line by line and reacting in real time, I might try reading a chapter or two and then writing up a quick synopsis + notes. Maybe dispense with each chapter in 2-3 posts as opposed to like 35. I do enjoy going through things in detail, but it's also very time consuming.
Anonymous
300aba4
?
No.356047
Lmao i forgot the scootaloo fic.
It wasn't really a pony fic. It didn't go anywhere only a pony fic could go. Scootaloo was brought to earth as a baby so obnoxious leftist cunts could raise her to be an obnoxious leftist cunt, the only thing the author knows how to write besides retarded strawmen meant to mock christians.
Then again that is an undeserved compliment. Someone who knows how to write those two things would be able to write a story that doesnt feel so one sided and unreasonably irredeemably biased.
The authors loathing of christianity cant come from any belief that there is an important virtue christianity lacks that can be found in other religions or atheism because this work sucks off islam and worthless "maybe everyone is right and KlingonKin and Elfkin roleplayers are just as valid as worshippers of Jesus or Satan or Mohammed or Tiamat or Nurgle or the spectacle Jewjew/Voodoo blackness makes of its ritual murders" circlejerkery. Everyone in a town dismissed as "too christian and white and conservative" by smug leftist faggot parents are willing to unite against the right once a celebrity nonwhite asks nicely and a few girls claim to be raped or whatever ended up happening in the story.
The author claimed his perverse revenge fantasy about being a celebrity orphan pony adopted by gays eager to monetize her with the celebrity life only to settle down in a christian town so she can be the biggest authority around instead of going to any kind of school for smart kids only is some kind of tribute to... did he say when he was writing this his little brother killed himself due to high school bullying? Something like that, right? In that regard it's no different from an adult male writing a Superman fanfic where Superman flies down and de-christianizes the christian town that somehow solely caused his little brother to kill himself, except instead of Superman it's something even more powerful and admirable in the leftist mind: a leftist who knows how to get everyone doing their part for protests that inevitably result in institutional power taking her side and giving her what she wants, even if their part involves coercive force or the threat of withholding the right to do business freely.
It must be nice to be the author of that faggotry, to be able to lose a family member to bullying and feel no shame for failing to give him a reason to live, blaming Christ and sinking deeper and deeper into constantly validated delusional fantasies. Kids need Jesus. More than they need cringe self insert fanfiction power fantasies dressed up as something they are not. I'm glad I had the courage to make my cringe self insert fanfiction open about what it was instead of injecting myself into a canon character and writing them to be me in a pony skinsuit. That's the kind of shit I'd expect from the Harry Potter or Naruto or Pokemon fandom. But when those stories tried to "Fix" everything about the source material a child wanted to change there was a higher purpose to them than bashing the most persecuted religion of all time for the sake of redditor upvotes. When kids wanted Ash or Naruto or Harry Potter to be "smarter" and basically wrote idealized versions of themselves into the story in place of canon characters they had the innocent desire to see how the media they loved would turn out if they were the ones writing things.
But this cynical revenge porn fantasy just uses ponies as a gimmick to draw in views. You could swap FIM out with any other piece of media and this fantasy about being a beloved scifiction obsessed manchild in a little girls body and the ultimate power in a small pond would still be as relevant to anything FIM was ever about.
A shorter version of this story would be impossible because this isn't a story.
There is no growth, no arc, no exploration of ideas from multiple perspectives. Characters in political cartoons who unwittingly verbally state the flaws in their own beliefs have more intelligence, individuality, agency, and intellect than these cardboard cutouts.
The author can't write people. Or plots. Or narratives. Or political narratives.

How's this for a speedrun?
One day Scootaloo DOESN'T show up on a gay couple's doorstep. Instead they read the newspaper one day and react with alarm that the christian rapist characters who raped or covered it up or whatever finally got around to making a victim out of someone willing to speak up and the system immediately took her side and destroyed their lives before the trial even started. When the trial started they confessed for a shorter sentence because this lets the black woman judge have more time to themselves for golf or pedophilia or whatever they do all day that's more important than making sure trials happen properly and the worst criminals get the punishments they deserve. Anyway the bad guys were killed in prison, the end. The faggots never mattered to the story for anything other than an excuse for Scootaloo to turn out like them and Scootaloo only mattered to the story because the author decided only she could "defeat christianity" and then decide the only valid form of it is cucked cafeteria christianity willing to give everything Christianity has ever fought for up and pretend they are fundamentally equal to fantasy and scifi obsessed niggerfaggots and heretics who worship violent serial rapist pedo gods. None of this story ever mattered. Anyone who would ever read it and like its bias would be a brainwashed antiChristian cuck raised on antiChristian lies. This story won't matter and can't matter. It will never convince people to see the world the author's delusional way about anything that matters. If the author wanted to tribute something valuable to whoever died over pony fanfiction, he should have worked at a job to raise money and donated it to a charity that helps real children instead of fantasizing about bullying fictional children or getting fictional pedos removed by institutional power under his command.
Anonymous
b679c57
?
No.356064
>>356046
I'd say that could work better. Every popular FoE story and most of them in general focus on insanely over powered lesbian unicorns with lots of rape and gore so could help you focus on the uniquely shitty quality of each one like the torture porn for Project Horizon and it eventually turning into some pre teen Final Fantasy 7 fanfic.

Do you think you could try this approach with the fanfics we recommended too? While I'd certainly love your more traditional style I do recall you mentioning some time ago you were planning to pursue your own writing projects plus going back to convert your green texts into prose. I'll admit the request is mostly selfish on my end since I was hoping to take down notes to apply to my own slice of life story.
Anonymous
a64659a
?
No.356110
>>356046
It'll be a disappointment to not see another Glim-style extremely insanely comprehensive deep-dive into PH or the other FO:E sidefics, but it would take ages for sure. If you think it would be better do do these summarizations, that could work. We already got your hail mary, so to speak, with the original, and that was more than satisfactory. Still, see what you want to do and figure it out. I'd love to see your in-depth method of critiquing stories continue on.
Anonymous
91a9f99
?
No.356111
356113 356114
IllBeYourWitch.png
>>355941
I'm about halfway through A Witch in Broad Daylight and I concur with this suggestion, as it's quite well-written compared to the other stories, though this might mean fewer humorous jabs at the author. I've also just started reading Borne of Caution I forgot who suggested it, I think it was Nigel and although it seems competently written so far it has enough edge in it to promise an interesting review. It's not pony but the concept is very close to HiE so I'm onboard.

For this reason, I am loathe to support Project Horizon because if it's just "Fallout Equestria but exaggerated in every way, including length" then Glim Glam has already dealt with the root problems of that sort of fiction. I am of the mind that variety is the spice of life, but no matter what Glim reviews it'll be fun reading his critique. I actually want to write my own crossover work over the next couple of months and if possible I hope it can be critiqued. I'll share it when I actually have something to show.

Anyway, happy Thanksgiving!
Anonymous
a64659a
?
No.356113
356115
>>356111
Personally I think that description of PH is 'different' in the sense that the author was a huge autist and created this insanely over the top, anime-reference-filled version of the FO:E setting. While FO:E tried to be """Grounded""", PH is full of ideas ripped directly from the author's favorite anime and is hilariously over the top.
Anonymous
300aba4
?
No.356114
>>356111
Borne of Caution? I had to look that up, do you mean the Pokemon fanfic about a zoo worker isekai'd to Pokemon World?
For review I remember requesting the mainline Conversion Bureau series where humanity "Has" to turn into ponies because Equestria appears on earth and its magical field spreads to ponify earth, cleanse pollution, and erase humans on contact for lacking souls unless they became ponies first, but I think I either requested or just mentioned "The Sun Soul" by 50caliberchaos.
Anonymous
dfc1118
?
No.356115
>>356113
It's a little more complicated than that, though you're not strictly wrong. I remember early responses to PH calling it the New Vegas to FoE's Fallout 3. The main character gets the macguffin right at the beginning, and the early chapters spend a lot of time setting up a large region populated by various distinct factions and introducing companion characters, some of which are fairly grounded while others are more bizarre, but a lot of time is spent on character relatonships, side adventures and general survival rather than anything particularly high concept.

There eventually comes a point though (specifically, after Blackjack 'dies' and comes back as a cyborg) where things start ramping up towards JRPG land, building exponentially until the main characters are fighting a nightmare moon/sweetie belle sexbot AI on the moon to stop an evil star from eating Equestria. The contrast is pretty wild.