>ITT I post my first chapter of my fanfic story.
>Sadly, it's highly unlikely there will be more chapters.
>You know me.
>But then it's just a slider thread, which is fine by me.
>Tell me what you like or disliked, plz.^^
Story Title: Downpour of Fire
Chapter 1 -- My Fair Maiden
"Do you hear that, dad! You're gonna pay. His a molester. He's a chiiiiildmolester!"
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
An adolescent woman with green eyes sent a glare at a staring passerby. He looked away, started to jog, and
changed his path to one that put more distance between him and the woman.
"Sunset, please," said a little girl who sat in the woman's lap.
The woman whose name was Sunset glanced down at the bespectacled girl in her lap. Sunset held an arm around the girl's shoulders like big boa. With her free arm, she used her pointer- and middle-finger to twiddle a lone lock of purple hair in the other girl's fringe.
"They don't need to stare at my sister, like that," Sunset said while smiling down at the girl with half-lidded eyes.
"Mmmph, I don't think they would be staring if you were... Uhm... Less touchy." The girl looked away from Sunset's gaze and instead, gazed at the two slices of cakes with whipped cream on top, topped off with whole strawberries strewn about as decoration, and consisting of one pink layer of varies-assorted-berries cream and vanilla cream layer sandwiched between a pair of fluffy breads.
"Heh, what?" Sunset dove in and whispered into her ear as the girl's gaze stayed on the cakes in front of her. "Am I embarrassing you?"
The girl blushed, at first but then pouted and looked at the woman with annoyance in her eyes.
"I have changed. I'm not a little girl anymore."
At first Sunset looked like something invisible had stabbed her but then she gained a playful look. She wiggled her eyebrows.
Sunset pulled the girl into an tight embrace and placed her chin on top of the girl's head.
"Oh, right. My bad. You're just soooooo big, sis. I can barely reach around you anymore. Hehe, maybe bit too much cake, huh?" Sunset rocket the girl from side to side while she spoke.
After the initial surprise, the girl began to struggle against the woman. When she found it to no avail, she spoke up.
"Sunset. Let. Me. Go." she said.
The mirthful look on her features disappeared and Sunset reluctantly released her hold of the girl.
The girl jumped down on the cobblestone pavement with her brown boots, then grabbed a nearby chair, carried it around the small, round table they sat at and placed it down on the opposite of where Sunset sat, before she hopped on it. Then she dragged one of the cake saucers across the table's glass surface with a "Krrrrr," sound accompanying it.
She scooped up a piece of cake with a teaspoon that had a fancy constructed silver handle.
She glared at Sunset as she stuck a load of cake into her mouth. Sunset looked dejected and the corners of her lip jerked. She looked away and hid her head from view with one arm as she scratched her head.
Sunset's eyes wander across the street. It followed the horse-drawn chariots as it passed by the nearby road, but then stuck to an owl perched on the shoulder of a robed woman with white staff with ornamented by carved in lines that depicted vegetation and flowers, only for her eyes to jump to a new source of a sound emanating on top of a building where a sphere consisting of metal rings, were each one rotated, within each other except for the most outer one, created sounds via electrical charges zapping onto the nearby vertical, metal rods that surrounded the contraption on the roof.
Nothing she hadn't seen before.
She looked back at her sister and her smile returned as she watched her sister's blissful expression while both her cheeks were puff out with cake.
The females wore clashing fashion. The girl wore a green, fuzzy cardigan with brown and red threads sewn in both left-way and right-way and intersecting into four rhombuses over her underdeveloped chest; and a modest blue skirt so dark it almost seem to be in black. Thick-framed, rectangular, black glasses sat on her cute little nub of a nose. Whenever she moved her head too quickly, the tied bum of her deep dark blue hair would bounce around like a speed-boxing bag. Her fringe fell like a curtain over her
forehead but was clean-cut across it just above her eyebrows. A single purple highlighted bang of chaos split off from the rest of the ordered fringe. She also wore a nice looking wristwatch.
Meanwhile, the young woman, wore a ripped-sleeved, tan, tank top with a print underneath her almost handful-sized mounds of flesh that depicted with only black silhouettes a knight standing over a slayed dragon with his sword stuck into it's neck. In an arch, over respectively under, the image, it was written on the fabric, 'DRAGONSLAYER', 'KNIGHTZ'. The tanktop didn't go all the way down to her cargo pants though, as it cut off just above the navel. The subtle traces of abs could been seen if one inspected her toned belly. Her cargo pants' legs had been torn off to make shorts of them. Five separate bracelets that looked more like small, black,
leather belts with either gleaming, metal spikes, or skulls, or etc. were strapped along her left arm while her right was completely bare. Her hair was also pulled back but only into a pony tail that looked like upside-down torch considering the hair it tied down. Sunset's hair oscillated like waves but the coloration of it, with it fluctuating between red and yellow, made it seem more like a billowing flame in the wind.
/mlpol/ - My Little Politics
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>>376992
Sunset's sister met her gaze and Sunset beamed back at her. She looked away, still a bit grumpy it seemed.
"Its good. I take it," Sunset said as she leaned forward and her face with her elbows to the table.
The girl flushed, then seemed to mull over what to say next. She peered back at Sunset.
"It is. Thank you... Sis," she said.
"Aww, anything for you, my little princess," Sunset said and gently
brushed the girl's cheek.
She pulled her face back and with a grating sound push her plate away.
"But I rather not eat if it means you will treat me like a kid." She crossed her small arms.
Sunset blinked.
"I don't look down on you-"
"But you don't show me respect."
Sunset looked a bit dejected, but like, not over-dramatically.
"What do you mean. I respect you." Sunset reached out a hand to grasp the girl's shoulder.
The girl sighed and rolled her eyes.
"You treat me like kid and-" The girl use her other hand to shove off Sunset's. "-You're waaay too clingy."
Sunset furrowed her eyebrows.
"B-b-but you use to ask me to carry you around piggyback style, hello?" Sunset waved a hand in the air.
Then she stood up. Grabbed the back of her neck with one iron grip and the started rapping with her knuckles at the girl's head.
"Anyone there, Mcfly? Think!"
The girl looked to the side while chewing her underlip.
"Because, as I said, I'm not a little kid anymore who think you're... Uhh..." A small blush creept up upon her cheeks.
Someone hanged some weights on Sunset's heart.
"Don't you like me anymore?"
The girl sent her a caring look.
"Of course I still like you but... I... Feel so locked in with you. You see me as a little girl and you your hands are always on me. I just want some space."
Now Sunset really looked dejected.
"I don't think I condescend towards you. I know you're bright, sis. Don't I always tell you that you got a big head on your shoulders."
The girl pouted and started to play with the purple bang in her fringe.
"Yes," she said and mentally added, But I don't believe you.
There was a small pause in their conversation before Sunset picked up where she left off.
"And I don't know... When can I touch you then? I love you, sis. I just want to make you feel loved."
The girl looked a bit guilty at first but then sent Sunset a glare.
"Ah, so it is for my sake, is it?"
A pause, then.
"Yes, it is. I do mean it!" Sunset met her gaze with a one of fierce determination.
They stared at each other for a bit then the girl focused back on her cake. Sunset followed suit and dug in to her cake that she hadn't touch so far. It was good, hmmmm.
"Regardless, I don't like it, so stop," the girl said.
Sunset clicked her tongue but then raised her hands up in surrender motion.
"Fine. I guess I won't touch you ever again," Sunset said.
The girl sighed.
"It's just how you do it that's the problem. You're like an octopus." The girl held her arms out and hands open as if they were the claws of a crab ready to nib a passerby swimmer's toes, given the chance.
Sunset's smile returned. She laughed.
"An octopus, huh?"
"You are. It's like, I'm your doll-"
"But I think I prefer being called a squid, that way I'd have cool cap."
Sunset snapped her fingers.
"No no no, I'd be a kraken. I'd sink ships and cause tidal waves," She said, flexed her bicep, and her lean upper arm form a bulge out with modest ball of muscle.
The girl rolled her eyes at the display but seemingly despite herself, a smile formed on her lips.
Sunset saw it and grew devil horns.
"And by the way, you're right. You're my doll. The cutest porcelain doll money can buy,"Sunset purred and cupped the girl's face and let her thumb caress her cheek.
At first the girl looked surprised by the touch but then pushed Sunset's hand away with deadpanned eyes but she still held onto her small smile.
That's all Sunset need to see to smirk as well.
The girl adopted a pleading look and grabbed Sunset's retreating hand. She brought the bigger hand down on the table with her own hands, nailed Sunset to the table with no force at all.
"Still, sis, I get that you like me but it gets... Too much sometimes," the girl said as she gave Sunset puppy eyes.
Sunset didn't look pleased.
"Please," Twilight added.
Sunset closed her eyes and sighed through her nose as her mouth formed a thin line. After a long moment, she nodded.
"Okay, I'll... Show you less love," Sunset struggled out.
The girl seemed to mull the words over before nodding with smile.
"Thank you."
And so the moment was gone and their hands broke apart. In fact, it was Sunset who broke the contact first. They continue to eat their cake slices in silence except for the background sound of the urban life buzzing around them.
Sunset's sister met her gaze and Sunset beamed back at her. She looked away, still a bit grumpy it seemed.
"Its good. I take it," Sunset said as she leaned forward and her face with her elbows to the table.
The girl flushed, then seemed to mull over what to say next. She peered back at Sunset.
"It is. Thank you... Sis," she said.
"Aww, anything for you, my little princess," Sunset said and gently
brushed the girl's cheek.
She pulled her face back and with a grating sound push her plate away.
"But I rather not eat if it means you will treat me like a kid." She crossed her small arms.
Sunset blinked.
"I don't look down on you-"
"But you don't show me respect."
Sunset looked a bit dejected, but like, not over-dramatically.
"What do you mean. I respect you." Sunset reached out a hand to grasp the girl's shoulder.
The girl sighed and rolled her eyes.
"You treat me like kid and-" The girl use her other hand to shove off Sunset's. "-You're waaay too clingy."
Sunset furrowed her eyebrows.
"B-b-but you use to ask me to carry you around piggyback style, hello?" Sunset waved a hand in the air.
"Anyone there, Mcfly? Think!"
The girl looked to the side while chewing her underlip.
"Because, as I said, I'm not a little kid anymore who think you're... Uhh..." A small blush creept up upon her cheeks.
Someone hanged some weights on Sunset's heart.
"Don't you like me anymore?"
The girl sent her a caring look.
"Of course I still like you but... I... Feel so locked in with you. You see me as a little girl and you your hands are always on me. I just want some space."
Now Sunset really looked dejected.
"I don't think I condescend towards you. I know you're bright, sis. Don't I always tell you that you got a big head on your shoulders."
The girl pouted and started to play with the purple bang in her fringe.
"Yes," she said and mentally added, But I don't believe you.
There was a small pause in their conversation before Sunset picked up where she left off.
"And I don't know... When can I touch you then? I love you, sis. I just want to make you feel loved."
The girl looked a bit guilty at first but then sent Sunset a glare.
"Ah, so it is for my sake, is it?"
A pause, then.
"Yes, it is. I do mean it!" Sunset met her gaze with a one of fierce determination.
They stared at each other for a bit then the girl focused back on her cake. Sunset followed suit and dug in to her cake that she hadn't touch so far. It was good, hmmmm.
"Regardless, I don't like it, so stop," the girl said.
Sunset clicked her tongue but then raised her hands up in surrender motion.
"Fine. I guess I won't touch you ever again," Sunset said.
The girl sighed.
"It's just how you do it that's the problem. You're like an octopus." The girl held her arms out and hands open as if they were the claws of a crab ready to nib a passerby swimmer's toes, given the chance.
Sunset's smile returned. She laughed.
"An octopus, huh?"
"You are. It's like, I'm your doll-"
"But I think I prefer being called a squid, that way I'd have cool cap."
Sunset snapped her fingers.
"No no no, I'd be a kraken. I'd sink ships and cause tidal waves," She said, flexed her bicep, and her lean upper arm form a bulge out with modest ball of muscle.
The girl rolled her eyes at the display but seemingly despite herself, a smile formed on her lips.
Sunset saw it and grew devil horns.
"And by the way, you're right. You're my doll. The cutest porcelain doll money can buy,"Sunset purred and cupped the girl's face and let her thumb caress her cheek.
At first the girl looked surprised by the touch but then pushed Sunset's hand away with deadpanned eyes but she still held onto her small smile.
That's all Sunset need to see to smirk as well.
The girl adopted a pleading look and grabbed Sunset's retreating hand. She brought the bigger hand down on the table with her own hands, nailed Sunset to the table with no force at all.
"Still, sis, I get that you like me but it gets... Too much sometimes," the girl said as she gave Sunset puppy eyes.
Sunset didn't look pleased.
"Please," Twilight added.
Sunset closed her eyes and sighed through her nose as her mouth formed a thin line. After a long moment, she nodded.
"Okay, I'll... Show you less love," Sunset struggled out.
The girl seemed to mull the words over before nodding with smile.
"Thank you."
And so the moment was gone and their hands broke apart. In fact, it was Sunset who broke the contact first. They continue to eat their cake slices in silence except for the background sound of the urban life buzzing around them.
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Despite starting on hers later than the girl's, Sunset finished her cake first as the girls still had a lot of whipped cream (which she seemed to have deliberately been shaving off the slice with her spoon during the meal) and the edge of her slice left to finish. She ate slower now and she looked at the dessert with an exhausted gaze.
"You don't have to finish, if you're full," Sunset said and pointed at the girl's slice.
"I know," the girls said, "but it feels bad to waste it."
"Okay, but you don't wanna make yourself nauseous over it. It's meant to make you feel happy not ill."
The girl head her head downwards which sunset knew meant that she was thinking.
She pushed the plate a bit towards Sunset.
"Could you help me finish it?"
"Sure, I could eat the rest if you like."
"Okay."
With that, Sunset placed the plate on top of her clean (or relatively) plate.
She dug up the leftover whipped cream and re-mixed it with the rest of the cake.
"You don't like whipped cream?" Sunset asked before taking a spoonful.
"No, I like it. It was just too much, it drowns the cake."
Sunset hadn't really felt that about her own piece but she refrained from saying so, different strokes and all that.
DIII-DIII-DIII-DIIIIIING!
A blistering sound forced the pair to hunch over the table and made prompted them to attempt to squash their heads with their hands as they pushed their palms hard against their ears. Each high-pitch note that sounded like a baby made of glass crying dragged on for so long that the next note didn't replace it as much as overlapped it.
Sunset glanced around and saw other people protecting their ears as well.
The town's alarm bells were ringing. Sunset knew that that meant there was an attack but she wonder who would be attack them.
That question was soon answered as the alarm bells initial sound burst wore off but was replaced with another more chilling sound, although loud as a thunder strike and distinctly inhuman: A roar from above.
Sunset had already drawn the conclusion of what was attacking them but couldn't believe it yet.
Her doubts ceased to exist as a distinct shadow flew over them and continue down a nearby street; the shadow portrayed jagged wings and a long thin tail.
More sounds hit their ears, this one similar to sitting next to waterfall. The few shadows that existed in alleys and behind parasols and such on sunny and clear day as this one disappeared as blinding light poured down on nearby buildings. The buildings stood against the onslaught but the longer the beam of fire was directed at anything the more the object ceased to be. Slowly but certainly, things hit were chipped away at. It began with scorched marks, then the thing caught fire, before it crumpled in on itself, and then even the piece were reduced to ash, which was really just a name for dust but burnt, after all.
Panic engulfed the citizens and they fled like startled cows (like, really startled). The destination? Anywhere, but here. Sunset jumped on the girl and engulfed her in suffocating embrace, pulling her out of the way of the stream of people running straight at them. Right after her fast thinking, she was vindicated as the table and chairs they had previously enjoying were overturned. The glass table, did not hold this treatment and broke in thousands of tiny pieces. As people ran and stumbled across it.
The table they had been sitting at belong to a restaurant and was part of their outdoors area. It was elevated a bit from the rest of the cobblestone road it was sort of part of and this mini-balcony had a railing made of stone. Sunset crawled with the girl hanging onto her like a koala over to the corner of the railing took cover there.
There Sunset waited.
Yells, cries in pain, and other outburst surrounded them as people ran. Eventually, the place was deserted, except for a few people who laid on the ground either groaning, crying, or worse, not.
Sunset peeked over the edge and saw that to her luck the beast was flying away from them. Now, she had it confirmed with her eyes as well.
It was a dragon.
"You don't have to finish, if you're full," Sunset said and pointed at the girl's slice.
"I know," the girls said, "but it feels bad to waste it."
"Okay, but you don't wanna make yourself nauseous over it. It's meant to make you feel happy not ill."
The girl head her head downwards which sunset knew meant that she was thinking.
She pushed the plate a bit towards Sunset.
"Could you help me finish it?"
"Sure, I could eat the rest if you like."
"Okay."
With that, Sunset placed the plate on top of her clean (or relatively) plate.
She dug up the leftover whipped cream and re-mixed it with the rest of the cake.
"You don't like whipped cream?" Sunset asked before taking a spoonful.
"No, I like it. It was just too much, it drowns the cake."
Sunset hadn't really felt that about her own piece but she refrained from saying so, different strokes and all that.
DIII-DIII-DIII-DIIIIIING!
A blistering sound forced the pair to hunch over the table and made prompted them to attempt to squash their heads with their hands as they pushed their palms hard against their ears. Each high-pitch note that sounded like a baby made of glass crying dragged on for so long that the next note didn't replace it as much as overlapped it.
Sunset glanced around and saw other people protecting their ears as well.
The town's alarm bells were ringing. Sunset knew that that meant there was an attack but she wonder who would be attack them.
That question was soon answered as the alarm bells initial sound burst wore off but was replaced with another more chilling sound, although loud as a thunder strike and distinctly inhuman: A roar from above.
Sunset had already drawn the conclusion of what was attacking them but couldn't believe it yet.
Her doubts ceased to exist as a distinct shadow flew over them and continue down a nearby street; the shadow portrayed jagged wings and a long thin tail.
More sounds hit their ears, this one similar to sitting next to waterfall. The few shadows that existed in alleys and behind parasols and such on sunny and clear day as this one disappeared as blinding light poured down on nearby buildings. The buildings stood against the onslaught but the longer the beam of fire was directed at anything the more the object ceased to be. Slowly but certainly, things hit were chipped away at. It began with scorched marks, then the thing caught fire, before it crumpled in on itself, and then even the piece were reduced to ash, which was really just a name for dust but burnt, after all.
Panic engulfed the citizens and they fled like startled cows (like, really startled). The destination? Anywhere, but here. Sunset jumped on the girl and engulfed her in suffocating embrace, pulling her out of the way of the stream of people running straight at them. Right after her fast thinking, she was vindicated as the table and chairs they had previously enjoying were overturned. The glass table, did not hold this treatment and broke in thousands of tiny pieces. As people ran and stumbled across it.
The table they had been sitting at belong to a restaurant and was part of their outdoors area. It was elevated a bit from the rest of the cobblestone road it was sort of part of and this mini-balcony had a railing made of stone. Sunset crawled with the girl hanging onto her like a koala over to the corner of the railing took cover there.
There Sunset waited.
Yells, cries in pain, and other outburst surrounded them as people ran. Eventually, the place was deserted, except for a few people who laid on the ground either groaning, crying, or worse, not.
Sunset peeked over the edge and saw that to her luck the beast was flying away from them. Now, she had it confirmed with her eyes as well.
It was a dragon.
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>>376995
What was weird was that when she heard it's roar she almost felt as if she could understand it. Not what it said but kinda. It felt more like someone yelled at her in different language then when a dog, or any other animal, barked at her.
Her eyes went back to the girl and she hunched down to her level. She still covered her ears even though the alarm bells' volume had lowered significantly since they were set off. Probably to make it possible to communicate over it once you knew of the danger. The girl also kept her eyes closed.
"Twilight," Sunset said and brushed away some hair from her forehead. "Are you okay? We should get out of here."
The girl whose name was Twilight, opened her eyes wide and nodded though it looked more like her head trembled.
"I-I'm o-okay," she whispered and nodded.
"Can you stand?" Sunset asked but she had already grabbed onto Twilight's shoulders and was in the midst of pulling her to her feet.
So when Twilight answered with an, "Mmm," she was already standing.
Sunset hunched down again but with her back towards Twilight this time.
"We need to get out of here. Hop on, we'll cover more ground if I carry you." Sunset looked back at Twilight with a serious expression.
Twilight looked around with at the devastation and at the people laying and crawling around. She made a grimace of pain and horror witnessing the scene around her.
"Shouldn't we try to help people here?"
"Twilight, the dragon can come back any minute. If it does, we're dead. I will not risk your life for some stranger. Now get on!"
Sunset's eyes were hard and left no room for arguements.
Twilight threw a last pitying gaze at the surrounding people in pain before she climbed onto her sister's back, piggyback style.
As soon as Sunset's hands latched onto Twilight's legs, her finger hooked in under her thighs next to her knees, she took off. She stepped up on the stone railing before jumping off onto the street below and taking off in sprint towards home.
Is home safe? What if... Sunset thought but she didn't really wanna finish the thought.
However, she was not alone in that chain of thought.
"Do you think mom and dad are okay?" asked Twilight as she spoke from behind, directly into her ear.
Sunset could hear the worry in Twilight's voice. Sunset shared that worry. Were her foster parents, okay?
"Let's find out," Sunset said through gritted teeth as she steeled her gaze forward not paying the passing devastation around her any heed as it all swished pass her in blur due to her swift running speed.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ End of Chapter
What was weird was that when she heard it's roar she almost felt as if she could understand it. Not what it said but kinda. It felt more like someone yelled at her in different language then when a dog, or any other animal, barked at her.
Her eyes went back to the girl and she hunched down to her level. She still covered her ears even though the alarm bells' volume had lowered significantly since they were set off. Probably to make it possible to communicate over it once you knew of the danger. The girl also kept her eyes closed.
"Twilight," Sunset said and brushed away some hair from her forehead. "Are you okay? We should get out of here."
The girl whose name was Twilight, opened her eyes wide and nodded though it looked more like her head trembled.
"I-I'm o-okay," she whispered and nodded.
"Can you stand?" Sunset asked but she had already grabbed onto Twilight's shoulders and was in the midst of pulling her to her feet.
So when Twilight answered with an, "Mmm," she was already standing.
Sunset hunched down again but with her back towards Twilight this time.
"We need to get out of here. Hop on, we'll cover more ground if I carry you." Sunset looked back at Twilight with a serious expression.
Twilight looked around with at the devastation and at the people laying and crawling around. She made a grimace of pain and horror witnessing the scene around her.
"Shouldn't we try to help people here?"
"Twilight, the dragon can come back any minute. If it does, we're dead. I will not risk your life for some stranger. Now get on!"
Sunset's eyes were hard and left no room for arguements.
Twilight threw a last pitying gaze at the surrounding people in pain before she climbed onto her sister's back, piggyback style.
As soon as Sunset's hands latched onto Twilight's legs, her finger hooked in under her thighs next to her knees, she took off. She stepped up on the stone railing before jumping off onto the street below and taking off in sprint towards home.
Is home safe? What if... Sunset thought but she didn't really wanna finish the thought.
However, she was not alone in that chain of thought.
"Do you think mom and dad are okay?" asked Twilight as she spoke from behind, directly into her ear.
Sunset could hear the worry in Twilight's voice. Sunset shared that worry. Were her foster parents, okay?
"Let's find out," Sunset said through gritted teeth as she steeled her gaze forward not paying the passing devastation around her any heed as it all swished pass her in blur due to her swift running speed.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ End of Chapter
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This story is partly inspired by this story, https://www.fimfiction.net/story/387278/birthrights-and-love , but really like only two elements are similar. Still I like that story and would recommend it.
>>376994
Thank you. ^^
I did put a lot of effort into it so that feels nice.
>>376994
Thank you. ^^
I did put a lot of effort into it so that feels nice.
>>376992
Minor formatting error
The colors for each spoken character is 'wrong' for the first two spoken lines, before shifting to their respective colors
Minor formatting error
The colors for each spoken character is 'wrong' for the first two spoken lines, before shifting to their respective colors
File (): BE4718EAD6D4878BC7843FDF26B90C1A-179875.png (175.7 KB, 800x678, Screenshot_20240919-125052~2.png)
>>376992
>>376993
>>376995
Its decent so far. There are a few instances of less-than-ideal phrasing especially in the descriptions. Its easy to discern what you mean.
Additionally, some minor edits would give it a better flow and less run on sentences.
Example:
>Sunset's eyes wander across the street.
Should be an addendum to the previous paragraph, imstead reading something like:
>She looked away and hid her head from view with on arm, scratching her head before her eyes wandered across the street.
Or alternatively, you could reformat this paragraph:
>Sunset's eyes wander across the street. It followed the horse-drawn chariots as it passed by the nearby road, but then stuck to an owl perched on the shoulder of a robed woman with white staff with ornamented by carved in lines that depicted vegetation and flowers, only for her eyes to jump to
Wait hold up.
>It followed the hprse-drawn chariots
Is it one chariot? If so, it's "a horse-drawn' chariot (unless you are referring to one previously mentioned) and it shouldn't be plural
I would recommend rewritimg that section:
>Her eyes wandered across the street, drawn first by a horse-drawn chariot that promptly disappeared down a nearby road before being called to an owl standing on a robed woman's shoulder. She peered at a staff the woman was holding, it's surface displaying an ornate array of carved lines and smooth curves depicting vegetation and flowers before the crackling(?) sounds of electricity draw her attention upward toward the top of one of the nearby buildings.
Its's partially an issue of english phrasing, partially an issue of run-on sentencing. I get that you're trying to give a narration to otherwise passive/meandering gaze, but that whole paragraph/sentence needs work. This occurs elsewhere
Be careful of overuse of commas!
Your dialogue is my favorite part
>>376993
>>376995
Its decent so far. There are a few instances of less-than-ideal phrasing especially in the descriptions. Its easy to discern what you mean.
Additionally, some minor edits would give it a better flow and less run on sentences.
Example:
>Sunset's eyes wander across the street.
Should be an addendum to the previous paragraph, imstead reading something like:
>She looked away and hid her head from view with on arm, scratching her head before her eyes wandered across the street.
Or alternatively, you could reformat this paragraph:
>Sunset's eyes wander across the street. It followed the horse-drawn chariots as it passed by the nearby road, but then stuck to an owl perched on the shoulder of a robed woman with white staff with ornamented by carved in lines that depicted vegetation and flowers, only for her eyes to jump to
Wait hold up.
>It followed the hprse-drawn chariots
Is it one chariot? If so, it's "a horse-drawn' chariot (unless you are referring to one previously mentioned) and it shouldn't be plural
I would recommend rewritimg that section:
>Her eyes wandered across the street, drawn first by a horse-drawn chariot that promptly disappeared down a nearby road before being called to an owl standing on a robed woman's shoulder. She peered at a staff the woman was holding, it's surface displaying an ornate array of carved lines and smooth curves depicting vegetation and flowers before the crackling(?) sounds of electricity draw her attention upward toward the top of one of the nearby buildings.
Its's partially an issue of english phrasing, partially an issue of run-on sentencing. I get that you're trying to give a narration to otherwise passive/meandering gaze, but that whole paragraph/sentence needs work. This occurs elsewhere
Be careful of overuse of commas!
Your dialogue is my favorite part
>>377000
>>377001
True, saw before, when making the color tags but then forgot to fix. Thought I had. ^^
>>377003
Yh, I was unsure of that paragraph but I could really get my passion up to make it better. Just wanted to finish the chapter. So, I quickly proofread it and crossed my fingers in that I wouldn't discover any flaws in it.
> I get that you're trying to give a narration to otherwise passive/meandering gaze,
Yeah, that was what I was going for.
But yeah, I'll try to fix such paragraphs in the future. I think they are a product of laziness in edit but maybe my next piece of writing will show that.
>Be careful of overuse of commas!
What are the negative consequences of overusing commas? Do they break flow? I must admit that I kinda like commas.
Anyway, thanks for your more 'negative' notes. I'll try to learn.^^
>Your dialogue is my favorite part
Thank you, fren. ^^ What specific part do you like? The substance (what they are talking about) or the way they talk about it, or something else?
>>377001
True, saw before, when making the color tags but then forgot to fix. Thought I had. ^^
>>377003
Yh, I was unsure of that paragraph but I could really get my passion up to make it better. Just wanted to finish the chapter. So, I quickly proofread it and crossed my fingers in that I wouldn't discover any flaws in it.
> I get that you're trying to give a narration to otherwise passive/meandering gaze,
Yeah, that was what I was going for.
But yeah, I'll try to fix such paragraphs in the future. I think they are a product of laziness in edit but maybe my next piece of writing will show that.
>Be careful of overuse of commas!
What are the negative consequences of overusing commas? Do they break flow? I must admit that I kinda like commas.
Anyway, thanks for your more 'negative' notes. I'll try to learn.^^
>Your dialogue is my favorite part
Thank you, fren. ^^ What specific part do you like? The substance (what they are talking about) or the way they talk about it, or something else?
>>377004
>commas
Like in that paragraph. Even when writing meanderingly, consider avoiding nterjecting too many alternating phrases in a sentence with use of commas. This would direct you to include less description per sentence, but more detail allowig your reader to better visualize
>commas
Like in that paragraph. Even when writing meanderingly, consider avoiding nterjecting too many alternating phrases in a sentence with use of commas. This would direct you to include less description per sentence, but more detail allowig your reader to better visualize
>>377004
>dialogue
I like the general feel of it. Im not a big fan of Slice-of-Life no offense, but the story isnt my cup of tea, but constructive criticism only but there's a believable quality to the dialogue that both carries with the plot and illustrates their characters in behavioral ways. If someone told me that was an actual dialogue between sisters I wouldn't doubt it.
>dialogue
I like the general feel of it. Im not a big fan of Slice-of-Life no offense, but the story isnt my cup of tea, but constructive criticism only but there's a believable quality to the dialogue that both carries with the plot and illustrates their characters in behavioral ways. If someone told me that was an actual dialogue between sisters I wouldn't doubt it.
>>377005
>This would direct you to include less description per sentence, but more detail allowig your reader to better visualize
Okay. Let me think about for a bit.
Also, don't feel like you're forced to answer all my questions. Just saying you like what I wrote or disliked it is good enough for me, the worst thing is silent reaction to my writing, after all.
>This would direct you to include less description per sentence, but more detail allowig your reader to better visualize
Okay. Let me think about for a bit.
Also, don't feel like you're forced to answer all my questions. Just saying you like what I wrote or disliked it is good enough for me, the worst thing is silent reaction to my writing, after all.
>>377006
>but there's a believable quality to the dialogue that both carries with the plot and illustrates their characters in behavioral ways.
>If someone told me that was an actual dialogue between sisters I wouldn't doubt it.
*Blushes*
That's pretty high praise. Thank you. ^^
>but there's a believable quality to the dialogue that both carries with the plot and illustrates their characters in behavioral ways.
>If someone told me that was an actual dialogue between sisters I wouldn't doubt it.
*Blushes*
That's pretty high praise. Thank you. ^^