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File: 1569969977912.jpg (64.98 KB, 1024x576, SunriseStats.jpg)

950cf No.245247

>I decided to make my Fallout Equestria fanfic a musical, this is the song Sunrise Stardust sings when he sees the Wasteland for the first time.

Is this it?
Is this all our ancestors left for us?
Is this a joke?
A broken world, filled with blood and rust?
Is there a reason?
A reason to stand and fight?
Is there any hope left?
Could we end this eternal night?

I look to the skies.
Scorched and burned, like everything out there.
I can still hear their cries!
I can almost hear them crying out, as the flames in their hearts were all snuffed out, by a beautiful lie that no soul could put down or forget!
This world is almost dead, can we stop lying to ourselves yet?

I don’t see a sunrise… I don’t see a sunset.
I look on these blackened skies, and ask, am I in hell yet?
We knew when we left home, we’d see some shit.
I guess this graveyard of the forgotten proves it.
Now it’s time to make those who did this repay their debt!

Peace is a path you walk alone, with friends at your side.
To pretend life works any other way is suicide!
They tried to kill us!
They tried to kill our sun and moon!
They said they were righteous…
But those are the words of a loon!
Heavy lied the head of those who wore the crown,
But they lied and did nothing while our world was burned down!
The wheel of fortune says it’s time for revolution,
And an end to the animals left behind by evolution!
If it’s black and white…
It dies! Toooniiiiiiight!

That’s my decree! We’ll have our victory!
We know our history! We’ll bring stability!
They killed the old world, so we’ll make a new one,
And the flames of their mass graves shall ignite a new sun!
That shines on a new world, with clear skies of blue!
And a bright new future, for the foals of me and you!
Clean fields of grass, and an end to this strife.
That’s what I promise you all on my own life!
Zebras are animals, history shows I'm right!
And if the sun has gone out… I'll spark a new light!

0ee72 No.245258

File: 1569974247562.png (Spoiler Image, 19.63 KB, 504x250, Oekaki.png)

I don't understand the song because I lack context. Like who are the zebras and so on? You need to include it.
>pic
I'm not completely sold on your oc's color scheme: purple ad orange? Ehh? The hair ontop of his head is too similar to Silver's.
I don't like pony generator. It makes me feel even more autistic than I already am. I think it is even more presentable to not post it with your text.
>Pic attach
So his color scheme has grown on me but the style of his mane and this tail are to different. Why is his mane messy while his tail seem wellkept?

1879d No.245261

File: 1569974908659.jpg (9.67 KB, 320x240, 1565704569004.jpg)

>>245247
Nigel…

950cf No.245263

>>245258
>context
In Fallout Equestria, Fallout happens to MLP because Zebras are evil and shit.
I don't know if the writer did this on purpose (probably not because Team Littlepip has a token Zebra who gives LP bone-strengthening juice) but Zebras are pure evil in this setting, they just don't realize it.
Ponies did nothing wrong, Zebras did everything wrong and nuked the earth. The writer shoehorned Fallout elements into the FIM setting without making MLP exactly as cunty as Fallout's pre-war America was, so the far cuntier Zebras look so much worse.
Sunrise and his friends leave their Vault (underground bunker) and see just how fucked up and burned and shit the Wasteland is.
And Sunrise blames Ziggers because fuck Ziggers.
>pic
Was inspired by a picture of a sunrise I saw, a gradient with purple, yellow, orange and red.
Also it's not pony generator (pony generator has fucked-up outlines and hoof line ends done wrong)
>pic
He cuts and styles his mane different to make the posters with his head on them look cooler, his tail's naturally like that and he doesn't feel like also cutting and styling that into spikes.

7133f No.245265

>>245247
Is this a new humble beginning for your OC? If we are going by D&D stats… you have -1 in all categories except luck, which is just net 0.

950cf No.245276

>>245265
Nah this is a different OC. I'm using the Fallout SPECIAL stats, starts with 5 in all then a spare 5.
Plus +1 to all because Gifted
Plus +2 during the day because Early Bird, at the cost of -1 to all stats at night

Strength 7(+2 Early Bird=9)
Perception 7(+2 Early Bird=9)
Endurance 6(+1 Applejack Statuette=7)(+2 Early Bird=9)
Charisma 7(+2 Early Bird=9)
Intelligence 7(+2 Early Bird=9)
Agility 6(+2 Early Bird=8)
Luck 8(+2 Early Bird=10)(+1 Black Star Leader's Jacket=11)

Btw here's the story https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13107414/9/Fallout-Equestria-Sunrise-Stardust-and-The-Burned-World

de60f No.245279

File: 1569979999797.webm (3.76 MB, 1280x720, autism.webm)

Well it's certainly interesting.

25237 No.245297

Isn't there already a thread about this exact story you made in the catalogue?

>>245247
Some general thoughts:

>OC

I know it's far from me to criticise another's OC, but it looks like you've taken everything over-the-top about Silver Star and dialed it up to 11. Everything about it from the hair to the color scheme to the cutie mark screams "More" like you tried your best to make it look as original as you could get it. Might be you should tone things down a little. I can give some advice on OC creation if you want it as it's something I'm very familiar with.

>Stats

Dear lord, you made him way too overpowered. There is no way any character just starting out on their adventure (or even a seasoned adventurer, at that) should have that many points in their stats, and the explanation you gave for why it is doesn't really help anything. There would be no challenge from anything he would face as he would be able to do anything and everything, nor would he need any companions with him except to make him look even better in comparison. Honestly, it's a very similar problem to the one that still plagues Silver Star. I would highly recommend reconsidering how you've got him stated if this is how you're going to determine how he well he faces his challenges in the story.

>Musical

No. Just no. I'll admit, I might be a bit biased, but it's hard enough trying to listen through a musical let alone read one. It would make for an absolute slog of a story. Just stick to a standard exposition, using the writing advice you've been given by GlimGlam over the course of your previous adventures on the site.

>>245258
>>245263
The Zebras aren't really evil, though it isn't hard to come to such a conclusion since they seem to be an afterthought in the narrative. It's a good story, but there are many flaws, among them being how he portrayed the Zebras.

For context, the Zebras of the Zebra Roaman Empire (yes, that's actually what he calls it) are the primary adversaries of Equestria during the Great War. They have the aesthetics of the Romans, the culture of Sub-Saharan Africa, and the technology of Fallout-universe China. They believed there is evil among the stars, that Luna was their disciple, and were the ones who pressed the button first and filled the world with nuclear balefire. They also apparently had the world's only supply of coal, for some reason.

950cf No.245354

>>245297
>OC
Sounds good, what's the advice?

>Stats

They look impressive on paper but it's the Build that matters in Fallout, not the starting stats. You can get 100 Speech with a 1 in Charisma, I usually do since it's not like Boone and Ganon need the Nerve bonus. I'm going for a general Leader and Survivability build here while his Companions are the ones built do to specific tasks like sniping, cooking, building, etc. Where you put your Perks and Skills is what makes you god-tier/garbage and while his magic:all tagged skill makes building magic easier, it's still a massive point sink compared to the guys who only need 100 Guns and maybe good Survival/First Aid or someone built for that in his party.

Nude (without jacket or statue) and during the day, he has:
Strength 7(+2 Early Bird=9)
Perception 7(+2 Early Bird=9)
Endurance 6(+2 Early Bird=8)
Charisma 7(+2 Early Bird=9)
Intelligence 7(+2 Early Bird=9)
Agility 6(+2 Early Bird=8)
Luck 8(+2 Early Bird=10)

And at night:
Strength 7(-1 Early Bird=6)
Perception 7(-1 Early Bird=6)
Endurance 6(-1 Early Bird=5)
Charisma 7(-1 Early Bird=6)
Intelligence 7(-1 Early Bird=6)
Agility 6(-1 Early Bird=5)
Luck 8(-1 Early Bird=7)
Half my Fallout NV characters could wipe the floor with this guy. Most could wipe the floor with him during the day.

>Zebras

The writer might not have intended for the Zebras to be balls-deep in Stupid Evil territory, but that's how these "The stars are munstahs and we must nuke the world first or Luna wins!" tards were written.
Unless "The Stars" are a metaphor for malevolent aliens or canonically-existing eldritch horrors that really would take over if Luna was in charge (somehow), the Zebras are fucking idiots.
Remember when Fluttershy fired off the first Megaspell?
It was a healing spell. She fired it at some battlefield after the fighting there was over, to heal the wounded and allow those fleeing to retreat.
Zebras decided to use the gift of life they'd been given to resume the fighting and continue trying to kill ponies.
Sunrise genuinely believes all Zebras are pure evil, that's part of what makes him interesting.

c3bd5 No.245361

Wasn't Fallout Equestria written by a literal tranny?

91574 No.245363

>>245361
I was starting to think that now as well. I have always heard that it was made by a girl. I thought nothing about it at the time but now I hear posters here refer to the author as a, "he".
So yeah, I'm starting to suspect something like that as well.

25237 No.245366

>>245361
>>245363
I have no idea. Considering I don't know what sex the author is, I just use "he" as a generalized term, like how it used to be used as back when the world was normal.

>>245354
>OC
First, most pony designs both in canon and in OC tend to stick with one of three color themes: Warm (red, orange, yellow), Cool (green, blue, indigo, violet), or Natural (brown, brunette, auburn, blonde). White, grey, and black are universal colors that can work with almost anything. There are examples both for canon and OC ponies where color schemes mix colors from different themes well, but for the most part they tend to stick to one theme because it's easier on the eyes and doesn't result in one color taking all of the focus from the rest of the design. You did well with the Warm color scheme you gave Sunrise, but the purple you added is jaring enough to take all of the eye's attention away from everything else. You don't have to change it, but it is something I would at least consider, or make an edit with the purple changed to another Warm color and see how it looks.

Second, the mane style and tail style don't really work well together. Most ponies use their mane and tail in a similar fashion to how we use our hair as an extension of our personalities, or a representation of them. I don't know what Sunrise's personality it, but while the tail suggests practicality, the mane suggests ferocity. In fact, he seems like he suffers from what I have termed "Vegeta Syndrome", something which has afflicted Silver Star as well. What is Sunrise's personality? What kind of mane and tail style would fit him best?

Third, what exactly does his cutie mark represent? Most cutie marks represent practical skills or talents that the pony who wears it is uniquely gifted at: Littlepip has a Pip-Buck because she's a skilled programmer and hacker, Velvet Remedy has a songbird because she's a gifted singer, and Calamity used to have a wrench because he's the ponification of Mr. Fix-it. While there can be deeper meanings or metaphors behind cutie marks, these tend to take a secondary position when compared to the cutie mark's more practical applications. What is Sunrise good at? From the look of his cutie mark, you can't really tell. It's a Ying Yang (a symbol that would undoubtedly be foreign to Equestria) inside a sun. There's nothing there that represents a practical skill or ability.

>Stats

Again, the clarification doesn't really help. For starters, you gave him 6 points to spread amongst his Specials instead of 5. Then there's the issue of the two what I suppose are meant to be traits, one of which just giving him a straight upgrade to all of his Specials while the other gives him a massive bonus to all of his Specials during the day while receiving a not-so-equivalent malus during the night when it won't matter anyways. Specials do indeed matter, as they determine the base number of points you have in their respective skills and each give their own unique bonuses and skill checks. The only time his Specials are at a normal starting amount is at night when he would presumably be sleeping, making the malus null and void.

Another issue arises from how you've got Sunrise stated: he's a Jack-of-All-Trades. Not bad at anything, but (normally) not great at anything either. Normally this isn't an issue when playing a Fallout game, but such a build tends to lend itself better to solo play than with companions, which itself doesn't lend itself well to literature. He lacks any skills that other companions could offer, and as such would just be forced to share his limited supplies and try to foalsit ponies who are ultimately vestigial to him. This is in comparison to Littlepip, who while good at being a rogue, isn't very good with anything that isn't lockpicking, hacking, or sneaking. Her skills compliment her companions, as Calamity is an excellent shot and can repair almost anything, and Velvet Remedy is charismatic and is a knowledgable healer. Unlike Littlepip, I don't see anything that Sunrise shouldn't be at least decent at.

A more minor issue is that his tagged skills don't really match with the kind of pony you decribed him as. Speech, Science, and Spellcraft make him sound more like an administrator or a researcher than a survivalist.

>Zebras

Again, a bit of a misrepresentation of why they pushed the button. You call it evil, I call it desperation. They were losing, and by a wide margin. Equestria was finally on the war path and was outpacing the Zebras at every turn, from technology to magic, and it was only a matter of time before Equestria launched a full-scale invasion of the Zebra homeland and won the war. In desperation (and perhaps just a little bit of stupidity), they decided that if they weren't going to win, no one was, and launched their megaspells at Equestria. I'm not defending that decision, nor am I defending the mistake the author made in flat-out saying "the zebras what done did it", I'm just saying that calling it evil would be a likely misattribution.

And something to keep in mind about that memory: they were soldiers in a battlefield in the middle of a war. Of course they would continue to fight, just as the ponies chose to do so as well with their newfound "gift of life". If they were replaced by humans, even those of the same race, they would still likely continue to fight on.

91574 No.245379

File: 1570043311819.png (2.65 MB, 1280x1686, winter_rar_by_vodyanoyart-….png)

>>245366
>>245366
>Most ponies use their mane and tail in a similar fashion to how we use our hair as an extension of our personalities, or a representation of them.
>Most ponies use their mane and tail in a similar fashion to how we use our hair
I would say yes and no.
I agree with what you are saying to an extent and you might also have meant what I will say now.
In cartoons characters will have traits and features that represent those traits due to the writer thinking it is funny to make it so. Pinkie has bubbly hair cause she is a bubbly pony.
But in our world our styles are often not about representing us in indirect way. Like Twilight's hair isn't short cut and bland to represent that she is a nerd. It is that way because she as a character do not really care about appearance that much while somepony like Rarity do, which is seen by her extravagant and beautiful mane.

Like a nerdy person doesn't have to wear glasses instead it can be seen through what they choose to wear. Maybe a t-shirt with star Wars on or messy hair with a fat neck beard.

You probably already knew this but just in case I guess.

25237 No.245380

>>245379
You don't think Twilight's mane style suits her personality?

91574 No.245381

File: 1570044723914.png (23.17 KB, 500x250, Oekaki.png)

>>245380
Yes, it does suit her personality. I'm just saying that it fits her personality because she would keep her mane like this rather than that it just is like that because it fits her personality. Yeah, it is a bit hard to find the words right now.

950cf No.245396

>>245366
>mark
The Yin-Yang is a blood-red golden sunrise over a white-mooned purple night. Tendrils of solar orange light radiate from it because this is the yin-yang of sunrise and sunset, but the sun always rises.
The mark means Magic, but it's customized to him because I didn't feel like ripping off Twilight's mark.
It felt more elegant than giving him a Cutie Mark of a specific device.
Also I'm not sure if I like those outlines around the sun and moon, I might remove those.
>Stats
You guessed that right, he's no survivalist. I meant "He has perks that reduce the damage he takes" by survivability build, since an army with a glass cannon for a leader will be easier to behead than an army with a Power-Armoured tank who coordinates his many from the rear most of the time anyway.
>Zebras
That way of looking at it does make sense.
I still think flipping the table when you're losing the game is an evil thing to do if you're warring with cutesy cartoon ponies who'd definitely treat losing Zebras better than our enemies would treat us if they beat us.
Sure, the Equestria of "Now" has rape and slavery and whatnot. But the Equestria that beat Zebstriperland/Zebrica/whatever Zebra-land's called probably wouldn't have had that.
Plus, why did the war start in the first place? Ponies needed coal and didn't have it,
Zebras had coal and little use for it, and some stuff happened with Wonderbolts and "Unaffiliated" pirates that escalated into full-blown war.
>>245379
I was going for something like that. Naturally, his mane and tail would look like Twilight's. But he styles his mane to look cooler, without bothering to do anything with his tail. The contrast is eye-catching.

950cf No.245397

>>245396
hit send too early but canonically, Ponies could have easily pulled off something great to save the world and earn the right to operate Equestrian miner companies in Zebra lands in return for doing magic stuff or whatever. Did the fic ever set canon limits on what Zebra magic can and can't do?

1879d No.245417

>>245396
>The contrast is eye-catching
It's not eye-catching so much as off-putting. The tail is easily recognizable as Twilight's, complete with the stripe down the middle, so it looks very obviously ripped off. Plus, it doesn't go with the mane style as has been pointed out. The other part of the problem is that really this character has two different mane styles, and neither of them go with each other. On the one hand you have the swept-back purple mane growing out of his neck, and then you've got this incongruous orange and yellow mess on top that is completely inconsistent with the rest of the design. You've basically got three different things competing for attention here visually: The orange/yellow messy mane, the short backswept mane, and the long Twilight tail. The tail is too long for either of the mane styles you've got, and the messy mane and the straight mane don't go together, so basically you have three inconsistent elements causing visual chaos. To be perfectly honest, this character kind of looks like he's wearing a fiery yellow toupee, and nopony looks cool wearing a toupee.

I also have to agree with the other anon in that purple doesn't belong in the color scheme, and that's a big part of your problem. I'd suggest replacing it with another orange or red color.

The cutie mark I don't hate, although the meaning is a little vague. But that's okay, because frankly cutie marks and their meanings are a rather ill-defined aspect of the show's lore. Mostly what I notice though is that it's very similar to Sunset Shimmer's cutie mark, and the warm color scheme along with "Sun" in the name further suggests this. Unless you want people to make that connection, you may want to consider tweaking the design.

950cf No.245438

>>245417
Sounds good, I was thinking of temporarily replacing the purple whenever he goes into a "Second Form" DT kind of thing. It's symbolic because he loses the royal purple and connection to Twilight while gaining a more aggressive red/orange colour to replace it. This also spikes out his tail like his mane, and lengthens both.

91180 No.245440

File: 1570103658558.jpg (56.27 KB, 800x412, purple ponies.jpg)

>>245417
>>245438
>The contrast is eye-catching
I think the idea of a jarring difference is intresting, between the tail and the mane. The problemfor me is what it is suppsoe to represent.
Is the idea that he is noncommital and never finish a projeect all the way through. Or is the idea that he is so unaware that not styling his tail aswell makes him look like chump and also exposes the fact to others that he wants to look cooler than he is normally.
>like he's wearing a fiery yellow toupee
Yeah, I agree.
>The purple
I changed my mind on the purple. It wwould hae worked if the hair on top of his head also was replaced by it. On or the either simply. The point is that if you are ging with mostly purple do so and if you are going with mostly yellow do so but if the tail and mane seem to fit two different ponies its wrong.
Then I guess the yellow fits better with the warm color scheme but it wouldn't be as jarring. Just use your hand to cover his head and you will see that it works okay.
>>245438
>I was thinking of temporarily replacing the purple whenever he goes into a "Second Form" DT kind of thing
So he is Kaneki, okay.
>This also spikes out his tail like his mane, and lengthens both.
And Ichigo appearently.
It is nice that you have ideas to visualize his "second form visually" but why does he even have a second form? Is that a common thing for Fallout characters to have? I haven't played fallout so I don't know.
It makes me think he is not so balanced anymore.

5a1b4 No.245441

File: 1570104087490-0.webm (3.77 MB, 480x360, Look At This Dude Origina….webm)

File: 1570104087490-1.gif (530.32 KB, 479x498, wario perfect gif.gif)

>>245247

Nice Gary Stue Stats, Jason.
9s across the board, Not Sunset Shimmer looks like he just got out of the slut oven.
Not to mention That Musical is just perfect. Proceed straight to the broadway.
Cant wait for the FOE community to review this.

91180 No.245442

File: 1570104858123.jpg (864.47 KB, 1600x2021, 1505737276953.jpg)

>>245441
>9s across the board
Since I never played Fallout, I assume 9s are pretty much top stats for a beginner character.

>>245438
This is something youshould consider. Not because a op character will stemroll his opponents but also because when a chrater has all the ablities and traits he is harder to remember.
Think about Twilight. She is booksmart, intellectual and not the mokst athletic. She knda represents an idea but if we just add more and more and more. It would be very hard to remember what idea she is suppose to represent.

Another reason is that it is hard to pinpoint what a chraccter with all the traits will do or who they are. Back with Silver Star, it was hard to know what he would do next. One moment he was depressed and the next he was goofy and happy. That transition can of course happpened but there was a lot of jarring changes to his mood and his ways. At least I thought so.

91180 No.245443

>>245442
Making characters distinct is a vital thing, I think.

25237 No.245453

>>245438
Yeah, no. I would absolutely recommend NOT having a "second form". I get that you like anime, but mixing in elements from anime where they don't belong isn't a good idea. It also doesn't help the arguments of your character not being overpowered/a Gary Stu.

>>245440
There isn't really a "second form" in Fallout. The closest I can come up with is the late-game perk Nerd Rage, which increases your Strength to 10, gives you massive damage reduction, and slows down your perception of time, but it only fires when you are just a hair's length away from death and doesn't happen every time.

>>245442
The highest any of your Specials in Fallout can go is 10, so he is just barely under the strongest he could be. Technically you can go past 10, but 10 is effictively the highest.

950cf No.245456

>>245440
Kaneki? I had to look that one up, I've never seen Tokyo Ghoul.
Fallout characters don't have a second form, I was thinking of taking the Nerd Rage perk and amping it up, writing it as some Devil-Trigger Avatar-State bullshit and telling myself it's for deep and symbolic "He temporarily abandons his equinity to save his equines!" metaphorical reasons and not just because I'm a massive faggot for the rule of cool.
>>245442
That's a really damn good point. I'm going to go and rework something.

812b4 No.245472

>>245456
>That's a really damn good point.
Thanks!

950cf No.245596

>>245472
The "make characters distinct" thing is a really good point. I'm going to introduce some shit my character's bad at.

a699a No.245597

>>245596
Thanks. Flaws are a good way to, first and foremost, develop an arch for your character. I'm mean to overcome a trait or flaw is basically what an arch is about in the first place.
However, distinct is more about how a chracter stands out from his backdrop.
Like what suppoting characters do you have?
Are there things that other characters can do that Sunrise can't and vice versa?

950cf No.245603

>>245597
The answer to that is too long for phoneposting.
But I'm thinking of taking that flaws thing further.
What if this guy couldn't shoot, at all?
What if he was a really shit shot, barely able to hit someone within 100M and unable to hit anyone beyond that?
Or he was magically restricted from using guns, either due to a vow he magically made or a curse put upon him by anti-gun cucks on his floor.
So he'd have to use magic exclusively in fights, which costs energy, which means he can't keep up Surpressive Fire like a gunner could.
I like the "he willingly rejects guns to boost his magic power" one more than the "he was unable to get rid of the curse" thing.

950cf No.245639

>>245603
note: I ripped off Vows and Limits from hunter x hunter because magic needs limits

c6f99 No.245653

File: 1570298148178.png (131.08 KB, 852x692, 1555189347186.png)

>>245603
>"he willingly rejects guns to boost his magic power"
Look it all depends on how limited magic is in your story. Spells can literally do whatever we want them to so giving up on guns to have magic is not, in my world, a sacrfice but a no-brainer.
>magic needs limits
Yes, exactly. I haven't watch hunterxhunter but from that is…
Wait.
> to boost his magic power
What do you mean boost? A flaw isn't a boost.

Really, this is okay. This idea. Having your character be the magic specialist in the group sounds intresting.

I think the best way for you to make sure that you mc doesn't take over your story is by developing your support characters in the group. I assume there will be like a dnd party with Sunrise as the leader.

Does Sunrise have a friend? Develop him. Give him sympathtic traits, which you like and respect. Do a thought experiment and pretend for a moment to be this guy. How does it feel to follow Sunrise? Is he a good leader? How is their relationship?
Let him have moments were he shins and let him have moments where is perticular brand of skills comes into play.
That way, you can avoid creating a mary sue.

c6f99 No.245654

>>245653
>Pic
>This is not a subtle insult
>I just pick a random pic in my folder.

950cf No.245662

>>245653
You're good at this. That's genius! Time to give Sunrise's friends more depth.
By the way, I was thinking of giving the supporting characters conversations with each other where they talk about stuff that isn't the apocalypse or apocalypse related stuff, even after they leave the Stable and have to deal with the fucked up worlds bullshit, but it feels weird for people to talk about stuff that isn't apocalypse related when shit is bad. It's hard to make that feel natural but it's working well. They want to talk about non apocalypse related stuff during the night shift and shit. It takes their minds off the horrors they sure during the day.
Also, I don't think I can do the "Sunrise can't use guns" bit because if I did, then he wouldn't be able to use that bitching gun Emerald had made for him in an earlier chapter. Plus anything with guns on it, like a power armour battle saddle suit, would be out of the question.

62be5 No.245668

>>245662
Nigger, you've been given enough ideas to write your own Lord of the Rings series (please don't), and you're still at the "Thats a good idea, got any more?" stage? For fuck's sake, you've been given GOLD advice for over a fucking year. Get it together, don't sing it, bring it.
Or STFU. That's an option too

78419 No.245674

File: 1570319595778.png (577.82 KB, 1280x1142, 6E741B60-941B-4D2A-A7C1-4E….png)

>>245662
>You're good at this. That's genius!
Thanks a lot!
>where they talk about stuff that isn't the apocalypse or apocalypse related stuff
It is kinda specific. It all depends on who these characters are. However, I will provide with some ideas.
>Beauty
It matters. If they see a field of beautiful flowers, a mountain range with glaciers in the distance, or large and old building of equestrian architecture, they might stop and take in the sight. Then they might comment on it and say, "Whoa, that's pretty cool."
Woman loves to fancy themselves up so maybe if you have two mares in the party they could be talking about what they are wearing or ribbons and stuff you know.
>The group's history
Have something happen in the begining of their journey that becomes an injoke, which is brought up everytime something similar happen.
Like Sunrise is and early bird so when the others take notice of this. Everyday he ends up waking everybody up, or whatever, so they start to nickname him the rooster. Then there is another party member how stays up late and have a harder time getting up in the morning so they name him/her the owl. Then there is this pony who uses brute force to solve all of his problems so they call him the woodpecker because he keeps banging his head against the wall. Someone who is good at spoting things from a distance so they call him the hawk. Another can be called the hen because he is careful or often scared. And finally, one can be called the peacock because she is always trying to fancy up herself.
And because of all these nicknames, they refer to themselves as the birds or something.
Another idea is to have a mistake in preperation be named after the first pony who did it. Like forgetting to revmoe or put on the safety on their guns so they do not fire or fire when it is not convenient and that action is called a Sunrise. So it is like, "That's your third Sunrise this week."
Or the group could have an in common dislike for one of those miniteries and their policies. Everytime they see a poster for one, they are memeing and mocking it by using a specfic phrase like, "Muh ministery." Everyone then starts laughing at that.
>Hopes and dreams for the future
After they have dealt with whatever their endgoal is, this can also vary from pony to pony, what do they want? Do they want to settle down with a family somewhere? Do they wanna keep in contact with the rest of the group or do they just see them as temporary partners? Will this change during their journey? Maybe somepony know they have their origin in Canterlot so they wanna go there and see it. Maybe they have a dream of creating a radio show, to be artist (singer or whatever), or just create somekind of new start for ponies in Equestria.
>Relationship within the group
Romantical or just frienship. They can talk about how they meet about, how they appricate things they have done for each other, or simply that they are there.
>Leisure activities and hobbies
Somepony could talk about how they like to draw, gardening, or something. Like they pass a bunch plants and one of them is like,"Oh, I used to grow them in the stable. It is really hard to make them survive but I guess that it is easier here because they have sunlight." And then the group could talk about this.
>Food
Everybody eats so cooking and favorite foods a given.
>Past and family
They talk about things they did when they weren't really aware of their situation.
>Self-aware
The group feels as you do and a one character thinks that talking about things unrelated to their struggle against the zebras is a waste of time while some other thinks that one cannot always work. Another cannot live up to that ideal but cannot justify spending time on their leisure activity. They might draw when the others are asleep or something and then are always tired during the day.
And you, as the writer, is suppsoe to come to somekind of conlusion about like how much is too much leisure activity and/or how much can one work/fightwithout breaks or whatever. Just differnt perspectives and such.

78419 No.245675

>>245668
I was think about how this is basically help-vamparism when I give so specific advice.
I guess I shouldn't do this, should I?

90113 No.245677

>>245675
You’re fine

de60f No.245678

>>245668
I mean, Tolkien spent literal decades writing the actual Lord of the Rings series, and he still wasn't done with everything he wanted to include by the time he died.

950cf No.245680

>>245674
I wish I had something I could argue over so I'd feel less like I have nothing to say except "Fuck yes, this is amazing! More plz"
Because you're bringing up really good points. And this help will make my story better, and it's one everyone will get to read and review for free. I'm not Kotaku, I won't charge people for reviews.
By the way, I've been thinking
Fallout's inspired by Mad Max. So it's desert post-apocalypse car stuff, plus pulp sci-fi from the olden days.
Fallout 3 wanted to rip off the Fallout aesthetic while moving it 200 years into the future and putting it in Washington DC for no reason. So it's got desert problems (need clean water) in a world nobody's tried to save in 200 years. That's fucking dumb.
Anyway, desert apocalypse isn't the only apocalypse setting out there.
Plenty of other post-apocalyptic stories have taken place in other environments. Hellish oceans, hellish forests, hellish cities…
I should put an area of untamed ultra-dangerous forestry into this story's map.
Fighting in a forest is interesting because you've got fuckloads of natural cover, fuckers can be in the trees and bushes, puddles with poison leeches can kill you, all sorts of animals can attack you, you can't see shit because there's so many trees blocking your view in every direction, and that's without adding in radioactive carnivorous rape-tentacle killer plants or crazy tree-worshipping tribals or mutant bugs that could wipe the floor with Pokemon, it's great.
But…
Ponies eat grass, so I'd need to make this poisonous grass so they can't just eat it to get free food.
Also, having to march through a deadly forest is something I don't think any Fallout Equestria fic has ever done before. Would they be fine with that?

62be5 No.245681

This is seriously one of the biggest cases of putting the cart before the horse I've ever seen

78419 No.245685

File: 1570326824349.png (1.03 MB, 1080x1920, 56218.png)

>>245680
>I have nothing to say except "Fuck yes, this is amazing! More plz"
Thank you!
>having to march through a deadly forest is something I don't think any Fallout Equestria fic has ever done before. Would they be fine with that?
I don't see why they wouldn't. It is your take and fantazy. If they complain that you don't simple copy-paste the original setting, then they are the problem.
>untamed ultra-dangerous forestry
It is your story so you can do whatever you want and maybe I'm exaggerating but don't you feel this is all a bit much? It is like the starkiller-base. If you walk through a lion's den unarmed, then the risk of getting killed does not increase signficantly if a dragon moves in: It is still high. It might even lower since they will keep each other busy with infighting.
Like the Death Star would have been able to destroy five planets as well given time to reload and it is not like the planets could have escaped it by flying through hyperspace.
Now I'm giving you my own inspiration again but why don't you flip this narrative and the expectations of your foe audeince on its head.

Like Sunrise and co has from early aged heard how outside world is ruled by Zebras and how the ponies have been forced underground because of this. They prepare themselves for years to escape their stable and take back parts of Equestria for the ponies. Armed to the teeth they finally reach the surface and… Everything is simply gone.

The land is either scorched or a desert. The biggest creature in on earth(or whatever their world is called) is a cockroach. There are no Zebras, nor any dragons, hydras, or cool mutated creatures like the deathclaw. Just death and emptiness. They have no use for their guns and their combat training as they go about trying to find a way to live on the surface.

Now I wanna adress my own posts. Part of my doesn't care about if you makes stories from my ideas and inspiration. I mean, hypothetically, if you created a work that
indirectly saved the white race then who cares if I get regonized for it in this life. My personal glory takes a backseat to our victory.
On the other hand, I know it is not generally a good thing to do things you might regret later. I am not sure if I am really comfortable giving you my inspiration and get nothing for it.
So I will take my time to think about what I should do in case like this. However, that's just specific advice like when I give examples and ideas more general advice I have no problem giving. The only counter-argument there is as this anon, >>245662
, pointed out. You have actually many threads, which are gold mines when it comes to advice, at your disposal.

I am not really a critic or rather I do not wish to be. I wish to be a great writer. However, Glimglam is a great critic And he seems to like being that but what do I know. Maybe, he has aspirations of wanting to be a great writer as well. In that case, go for it dude! and he gave me (and some others) thoughtful reviews in this these threads, >>241972 , and >>243108 . Why don't you ask him to take a look at what you have done so far? In worst case scenrio, he won't. God, I have become such a woman. I meddle with everything.

Regardless, I will be busy with studying for the midterms so I really can't into writing advice right now.
>pic
>mfw stuying;)

78419 No.245686

>>245677
I will trust you on that.

950cf No.246272

>>245685
Women meddle to feel like they're helping, bro. You're actually helping. I appreciate you and your input.
You like Death Note too? Awesome! I loved that show, but I wish it ended after that bit where the cooler dude did the "Exactly as planned" to win. He won and the game ended there, so keeping the story going afterward by adding in two bootleg Ls while adding MORE friends to Light's team felt pointless. I liked the tragic ending, but it would have been better if it was tragic for everyone involved. Then it'd really feel less like the hero lost and more like the world's just fucked up.
I don't know how to contact Glimglam, but it'd be nice if he could review this too. There are some scenes in this story I'm really not happy with at all, like the dick scene, but I have no clue how to fix them.
Also good point with the Death Forest being too intense. "Death Cities" full of cleared-out rooms and bombed-flat buildings and evil snipers who want to cook and eat you because they can't eat their many bullets are nowhere near as intense as a death forest.
The gang will start in a burned-out shit forest full of dead trees, to add the cover problem and explain why spear-chuckers would be a problem for gun-users. A living and breathing death forest should be a "late-game area" so to speak, the rumor of an area with "actual greenery" being looked at as mythical bullshit until someone proves it real by going near the forest, seeing it, and not getting turboraped by wild animals/plants. Then it gives the heroes a reason to be there: Poison grass might grow here, sure, but somehow this place was spared maginuclear annihilation and it has its own sun/plant life that adapted to not need sun. Maybe a race of solar mutant fireflies. Anyway the heroes need to conquer that territory and tame it, turn it into farmlands. A man VS nature story! That's a game-changer, since most Fallout fics just have the heroes struggle to beat canon Fallout enemies in canon Fallout locations while going through the plots of canon games.

950cf No.246273


03127 No.246302

>>245685
Congrats, you're his new dopamine fix

41da1 No.246311

File: 1570667419325.gif (17.36 KB, 500x468, _luftkrieg jumping.gif)

>>246302
I guess. I don't really mind though so long as I don't need to give away my own ideas and inspiration and I have time.
I don't have that much high hopes for Nigel to bring high quality to the table. I mean it could happen but experince proves otherwise doesn't it? I don't really know why that is though, Nigel. Theoretically, I think you should be able to be able to produce good things. I have seens enough reason to believe in this but at the same time it never happens. I am mostly doing this because I am very passionate about writing. I think that having any thread about writing will generate more will to write from this community than none.
>>246272
>You like Death Note too?
Its great and I agree that's the moment it goes bad.
> A living and breathing death forest should be a "late-game area" so to speak
Yes. Pacing is good to have for many reasons and one of them is because you don't wanna, as they say, blow your load to early.
>Anyway the heroes need to conquer that territory and tame it, turn it into farmlands. A man VS nature story!
If you want to that that's fine. I don't personally like these stories that much. I guess they could be intresting. It's just that they always turn into minecraft.
All of these problems that it has can probably be solved by skilled writer so I guess they are more like pitfalls. I have five reasosn for this.

1) The over-emphasize of man's rationality. Man is suddenly the most objective-fixate creature ever. It is like going from living a softer life to a harder one doesn't really effect him at all.
If he sees a palm tree and a pair of cocunuts, he is gonna use is ingenuity. He will find a long stick and then hit those coconuts till they drop.
Instead of, you know, going into a state off panic. He won't be thinking about the fact that he is on an island far away from civilsation and probably never see his family again. He won't worry about how his loved one might get a new man during the time he is gone. He won't think about the fact that everyone he every knew throughout his life is esentially dead. He won't just give up seeing such a huge challenge infront of him.
No! He will just Robinson Crusoe this entire thing.

2)It can be quite mundane watching someone cook, hunt, fish, clean, build and so on. The writer always wants to show how realistic they can write this whole thing so we get all the details about what they do.
Some might appericate this but it isn't for me.

I will continue when I have more time.

4fe0d No.246452

Why would anyone expect quality writing from a morbidly obese man with two ugly long-dogs who can't separate his autistic online social (and ironically fictional) identity from his private actual one.

950cf No.246517

>>246452
Imagine being too afraid to show off what country you're from as you try desperately to insult a man doing more than you to bring activity and discussion to this site.
If you unchecked "Don't show my flag", would it be a Jew's flag?
I haven't been morbidly obese in ten years, and I'm proud of that. I haven't masturbated in two months, and I'm proud of that.
What do you have to be proud of, Jew?

950cf No.246519

>>246311
1. To use the faggy colloquialism, "This, fucking this"! That bothers me in a lot of other stories, too. Something bizarre and unexpected happens to the everyman hero, tearing him from his peaceful life and thrusting him into a story. So immediately, he focuses on survival knowledge he suddenly always had, he shoots to kill (with maybe a "Omg i just killed! oh noooo uwu these hands have sinned… Fuck it time to stop being a lil bitch and start being kewl!" scene afterwards but don't count on it) focuses on surviving and moving the plot along, he never hesitates or makes mistakes some newbie in that situation would actually make, and he's only allowed to be a retarded fucking casual way in over his head who annoys the "hardened veterans" of this story outside of combat where he's in no real danger. Well he's never in danger but you know what I mean.
The stories where a guy cries for a bit about having to leave his peaceful life behind, then enters survival mode mentally are a bit better but it should be a constant struggle. People don't just magically develop the coping mechanisms necessary to deal with this shit overnight. Some people never develop the mechanisms and think it's a matter of being born tough enough or not tough enough. Keeping hope alive is hard, especially in bad times. I've been through enough of them to know that. It's not like the fantasy where Ninjas kidnap everyone you care about and give you a reason to stop being a boring human in an NPC mask and start being cool.
There was this one movie, Knight and Day. Some hot babe gets dragged into an action movie hero's bullshit, so he drags her screaming ass through adventures. At one point he puts her under for a while and does cool shit offscreen, with her waking up every so often. After enough adventuring, she becomes the magic badass and he becomes the guy being put to sleep because reasons. Don't remember the reasons, but I didn't like the film. What, would Hollywood only let someone make a premise about a woman being dragged into James Bond if she toggles God Mode near the end?
2. Makes sense. I only like these scenes when they're doing something for the first time or there's some great intellectual/physical challenge to it. Cooking their first meal, killing their first prey animal for food, building their first crossbow, blowing oxygen into the furnace, de-irradiating water, making water in space and growing crops on mars, and so on. I don't want to fully rip off that mars book but I'm taking inspiration from it. But with tech, not magic. Magic is for fireballs and fucked-up bullshit, not solving problems that'd be more interesting to solve with real-world science. "And then he used magic to grow stone corn out of stone because nobody irradiated the stone, then he turned the stone corn to real corn", who'd read that and call it clever?

Anyway, focus on midterms. Get a good score and learn all the shit. But for you, not for them. Colleges are rigged and the job market's fucked, making your own business is a more stable future than trying to get into (((their))) workplace.

950cf No.246525

>>246519
An addendum to 1:
The first thing you think when a demon emerges from the earth to throw fireballs at you won't be "Grr stop violating the laws of physics and thermodynamics with your weird fireball that has no reason to remain a ball as it flies through the air!" it will be "holy shit what the fuck" and then "oh wow that's a damn good costume/magic trick"
Nothing takes me out of a "This is a tense and serious situation" mood like characters trading shit unfunny quips mid-combat. If I'm supposed to take this to mean these characters are Just That Good, so they can block bullets and quip while not getting shot, sure. But if this is a serious setting where reality is cruel, then being Just That Good shouldn't stop reality from throwing you a curveball. Just once, I'd love to see a scene where some quippy wannabe gets badly wounded by a lowly enemy grunt, who's just as shocked as everyone that he actually hit someone. And from then on it motivates this dude to take fights seriously.

4fe0d No.246600

>>246517
A standard deviation higher IQ? Retard.
Just arguing with yourself - go on scream ree Vril Vril or write fag anon ree ree.

Did you delete that Twitter or those pictures at least? You seem more afraid than me gentile. Who even took them? Your MOM? Because a photo in the third person while you look like a fucktard seems about right for it.

950cf No.246648

>>246600
Imagine thinking Jews actually have higher IQs
Comparing the IQ of a blackless ethnostate to a diversified shithole is hardly fair.



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