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File: 1536618478945.jpg (48.7 KB, 1191x670, Niggafinallyagoodpic.jpg)

2f236 No.170668[Last 50 Posts]

What this thread is about.

This thread is dedicated to reviews about Books, fanfictions, music, drawing/paintings, and anything really. There are, however, reviews that don't have a place in this thread. Reviews about things that don't even have a remote connection with the mlp or pol sphere.
This thread is also writefag thread. I think it is good to have these two different types of threads merged together since it becomes very natural for the reviewfags to review the writerfags' stories. But If you want them, by all means, make a write- or review- only-thread yourself.
I decided to write a review to start this thread off. That way I hope to inspire others, who usually don't write reviews, to write one themselves. Since if a swedcuck can write one then you can! No, but on a serious note. You don't need to write something with a high word count. Just write something about something you like. You can spend like four hours altogether on writing why you like something or why you didn't. It is very easy and it can be a lot of fun too.
I am going to write mostly episode reviews. I want to explain why the first two seasons are considered the golden age of mlp by many by showing why they were good. It is something people often say when some anon not from this board asks how we can be watching little girls show. We say the first two seasons were great but often leave it at that. Of course, it makes sense, one can't write a large summary on what made those seasons so great everytime someone asks.
Also, no reviews about Silver Apple Star and his adventures or whatever because I fear it would only derail the thread's purpose in that it would turn into another Nigel vs "the Glimmer internet defense force" thread. Every anon is welcomed however and you are also allowed to "shit" on the material you review.

2f236 No.170669

A short summary of the synopsis.

To summarize the episode is about: *Spoilers* Twilight is visited by herself from the future who has come to warn her about something. Before she manages to tell her however she is brought back into the future. Twilight is left in the present wondering what her future-self wanted to warn her about. Based on future-Twilight's messy look, she figures it has to be some sort of disaster. The rest of the episode is spent on Twilight trying to prevent the disaster from happening. Every time she thinks she made a breakthrough she realizes that the future hasn't changed because she is looking more and more like her future counterpart. In the end, she doesn't manage to change the future before Thursday morning but learns on Thursday that it is just a normal Thursday morning. She, therefore, decides to go back in time to warn her past self not to worry and you see where this is going. So yeah, terminator-paradox but the rest of the episode is coherent. I am actually referring to Twilight's thinking here. The solutions she comes up with to solve the problem at hand are great even if they end up failing. It almost felt like she at any moment would start to carry a lab coat and use the phrase: ”El Psy Congroo.”

2f236 No.170671

The plot: What makes it so good.

Twilight is a proactive main character in this episode. The whole episode centers around her and her actions make up the whole story. The only time Twilight is just reacting on someone else, except her future self, is when Cerberus comes to their town.
Since she misunderstands her future self's message and thinks that there will be a disaster coming on the next Tuesday morning, she must invent a plan to stop it from happening. It becomes a problem that Twilight has to solve. Her first try to stop it is to simply to control and fix if needed, things that could potentially cause disasters like the dam breaking flooding ponyville in the process or having to little water in the water tower, which could result in ponies dying of thirst. Later we see her musing over if she is missing something. This is a good question since she can only know for sure that her plan succeeded on Tuesday. Then Cerberus show up and Twilight bring him back to Tartarus. Twilight is now confident that she has solved the problem at hand and is at ease. Then she gets a papercut from a scroll and she quickly realizes that her future self had a papercut in the same manner that she does now. This means, she realized, that the disaster is still going to happen.
This is how the plot continues for the rest of the episode. I will go through it all to the end but I wanted to stop here to highlight this. The plot goes like this: There is a problem that Twilight has to solve. She comes up with a potential solution. She tests it. There is something added on to her outlook, which is another sign that the future hasn't changed its course. She tries something new. That is the basic gist of it.
Her next plan is based on what her future self told her. She had specifically told her this: "Twilight, whatever you do, don't-" before she had been brought back to the future. Therefore Twilight figures that if she doesn't move to next Tuesday, she can't possibly do whatever her future self didn't want her to do. Of course one could consider not doing anything an action but whatever. Anyway, she gets hit by dragon fire and her mane stands up just like her future self's mane did.
Her new plan is based on the fact that she doesn't know what kind of disaster she needs to stop. She, therefore, decides that find out about it is a good plan. Therefore she goes to madam pinkie. Yeah, she probably gets tricked out of her bits by the way. Pinkie has some glass orb which she pretends to read the future with. Twilight actually listens since she just like the autistic viewer (Me) remembers that pinkie sense is canon and that it can predict the nearby future. Twilight, therefore, tells Pinkie to use it and Pinkie tells her sense only told her about vague yets specific things like things falling from the sky but not what or when. Then he tails twitch and a flowerpot hits Twi in the head causing her to wear a bandage just like her future self.
Her next plan is similar to the first one but I would argue that is a different approach. I think Twilight based on the previous experience with the pinkie understands that she can't prophesize the future but she still realizes that repairing everywhere isn't a viable option either, therefore she decided to monitor everything. She does this because she still wants to first figure out what the disaster might be before making an attempt to mend it. She also does this so she can analyze as much information as possible to find something out of order.
Anyway, she looks through a telescope at the sun and it hurts her eye. Pinkie gives her an eyepatch, which was also a thing her future self wore. Twilight, learning that Tuesday is the very next day, comes to her final solution to the problem at hand: To stop time. Great comedy btw. This is also a great characterization since Twilight is thinking about this problem completely abstractly. It is practically impossible to stop time but theoretically if that were an option, then yes that would solve the problem since then Tuesday will never come. Twilight, knowing that the time-travel spells are in the canterlot archives due to her future counterpart telling her this, sets out to find a spell that allows her to stop time. It is sort of foreshadowed that the mission fails right from its beginning since Twilight is now wearing the latex body suit her future self did, which tells us at the beginning of the mission that her future self also did this.
Anyway, they don't manage to find the spell they need before the sun goes up and it is Tuesday morning. Twilight, who actually assumes that there will be no disaster a bit too quickly considering that Tuesday morning has just begun, bla bla bla decided to warn her past self that she doesn't have to worry and you see where this is going.

2f236 No.170672

The comedy. This episode is hilarious.

The comedy in this episode steems, again, from Twilight. Who is pretty much involved with every joke in this episode. My definition of a joke is a little vague. I will have to come up with a better definition unless someone can point me to a better one. It is pretty much a contradiction that was intentional made to sound funny, irony or a misunderstanding is also included it should just be obvious that the writers intended for it to be a joke. By that definition, I have counted that there are sixteen jokes in this episode, which is quite impressive for a few reasons. The first being that this episode is so plot focused and serious in its tone that it doesn't really have time for jokes in it. They managed to solve this by having the joke be in the plot. This is done by having Twilight's obsessive and freaked out personality being the end of many jokes. The episode is also twenty-two minutes which means that it is closed to being one joke per minute.
Spoilers ahead. I am going to list every joke here and explain how they work as a joke. I know the expression that explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog; No-one wants to see it. But this is an old episode and we want to know what makes up a frog and a joke.
The first real joke in the episode is when Spike misunderstand what Twilight is saying. She says: ”Frankly, I can't understand how YOU can sleep at a time like this?” The text I wrote in cursive is what's important to understand the joke. She says that figuratively but Spike response with the literal answer, which makes Twilight look silly since three a.m. is a normal time to be sleeping.
That's what Spike answers. He says: ”Three a.m?”
Before I go onto the next joke I will address why I wrote ”real” earlier in the text. It was because there was a scene, the first scene in the entire episode, about Spike dreaming he introduced Rarity to an ice-cream house. This is a sort of endearing and sort of funny but I don't think it is a joke though. Not even a visual joke to me. There is no twist to it. I guess you could say that it is funny to see his character's desires taken to the extreme like this but I still don't see it as a joke. Why I tell you this is because I want you to know that I might not include everything that you would consider funny. The episode might actually be funnier than I describe it.
The next joke is something I suppose to be funny but I am not American so I can't tell for sure. The joke goes like this. Twilight gives Spike an Almanac and says: ”There, now do you see what's wrong?” Spike replies: ”We forgot to celebarate arbor day?” I don't know if you celebrate arbor day or not. From my perspective, it would be more of a nice idealistic thing you do but not something you celebrate like you do on Christmas. So it sounds like Spike is being sarcastic
Also, the contrast between this characters is funny. Spike has just woken up and is still sleepy while Twilight is running around shouting frantically. So the sarcastic jokes, which he uses, fits well with him being a little grumpy I looked back at the episode. He doesn't look grumpy at all. Excuse my headcanon interference.from being awaken for what he considers to be a non-problem.
The next joke is on the morning. We see Twilight working with her schedule. It seems to be implied that she was awake throughout the night. The idea that she didn't go to sleep this night is reinforced later, might I add, when we later in this episode learn that she did so on another night. This means it is not something unthinkable for her to do.
Anyway, I will have to trim this down later since I keep losing focus.
Twilight talks to herself, I decided to stop quoting everything because it will only make this section longer, on how she could get time to spare for scheduling the next month. Her plan is the joke. As she states that if she can read two things at the same time then she will have time to spare, which obviously is impossible.
The next is after future-twi appear. Our Twilight goes up to her and tells her that she is not scientifically possible, yet she is obviously standing there.

2f236 No.170673

Part 2 comedy.
Joke number five is old-Fluttershy's sarcastic remark. I think it can be categorized as sarcastic but I am not sure. Fluttershy carries a lot of packages with party supplies and walks behind Pinkie who holds a bunch of balloons. Their dialog is almost necessary for the explanation of this joke so I will include it.
”Come on, Fluttershy! The party can't start before the party supplies get there,” Pinkie says.
”Happy to help but can I carry the ballons next time?” replies Fluttershy. Since balloons float and aren't a thing that you carry, it seems like a sarcastic remark to me. Then again her voice and her face don't match up with that description.
Nr. six. Twilight bumps into Fluttershy as she runs by. A pair of joke glasses with a funny (human) nose and mustache lands on her head. Unaware that she is wearing glasses she runs up to a crowd and tells them to listen up. As fast as they see her glasses, they begin to laugh. That is not the joke for the audience. The joke is after she takes off her glasses and tells them that there is a crisis and that she had just been visited by herself in the future. Here the crowd laughs again due to the fact that they think that she was just joking again and we, the audience, laugh because poor Twilight isn't getting her message through.
The next joke is like number seven or whatever. I will stop my counting. You just have to trust me that there are sixteen of them.
The next joke is when Twilight explains their newfound crisis for the rest of the ponyfolk. Aj: ”What kind of disaster?” Twi: ”I don't know. I got sucked back into the future before I could explain.” The Pinkie says the joke: ”Run for your lives!” The joke is that since she doesn't know what kind of disaster it is, she can't run from it.
In the montage that follows the ponyvillens disaster-proof Equestria. There are two visual jokes in it. The first one is actually a self-aware joke about the world-building of Equestria and everyone loves those, maybe? Big mac holds the end of a rope that is tied around pinkie with his mouth. He stands on a bridge while she hangs off this bridge from this rope while screwing some screws tighter. Earth ponies are bound to use either their hooves or mouth to grab thing with. The meta-joke comes when Big Mac says: ”Eyup,” when Twilight checks off the chore on her list. Since he opens his mouth to speak, he let go of his hold on the rope and pinkie falls in the water below.
The other is when pinkie's hair is being cut by Rarity. She cut a specific strand of hair in her mane. It is funny because the ponies in ponyville think that if pinkie's hair isn't properly cut, it can cause a disaster.
Cerberus appears in ponyville. Pinkie tells them to follow her lead as she starts screaming and running.
Twilight thinks that Cerberus leaving the gates of Tartarus is the disaster that her future self is talking about. It actually is brought up in season finale four because Celestia assumes that Tirek must have escaped during the time Cerberus was gone from his post. Anyway, Twi is therefore Thrilled at the prospect that she had finally figured out the problem at hand. So when she explains to spike that the creatures that live in Tartarus can now escape and destroy Equestria and he repeats the last part with fright in his voice, she answers with: ”Yes, isn't it great?” Obviously, it is not.
There is a running gag in this episode that appears firstly while Cerberus is in ponyville and later on while Pinkie is at Twilight's library. The joke is that Pinkie stashes things for emergencies all over ponyville that are actually for playing rather than emergencies.
The next one is the fact that the Cerberus, you know the three-headed dog that is as big as a house and guards the gates of Tartarus, is interested in a ball. The funny part about this is that it follows the logic that: "Cerberus is a dog" + "Dogs like to hunt balls" = "Cerberus Likes to hunt balls". Twilight uses a ball as some sort of bait to lure him back to Tartarus.
Twilight gets hit by a scroll that Spike breathes out and gets a papercut. She realizes quickly that it is the same as the one on her future self's cheek and therefore goes to check it in the mirror. As she realizes this she shouts out the word no. Spike misinterpreted her actions as a reaction to the contents of the scroll. He, therefore, says this: ”It is only a lost dog flyer. I guess Celestia hasn't heard we found Cerberus yet.” Kek. Have you seen this three-headed dog which is probably bigger than your house? He answers to: ”AAAAHHHHHH!!!”
The next joke is exactly the moment after this. Twilight shows Spike her cut and he answers: ”A papercut. You really need to toughen up. Just clean it out and you will be fine.” She obviously refers to the fact that she now resembles her future self more but since Spike wasn't present when her future self visited he doesn't know this.
It is actually about how the jokes start to thin out in the episode for the to return with more force in the end/climax of the story. Until this point jokes had come like a constant stream.
One could say that the solution that Twilight comes up with, the one were she plans on not moving a muscle till next Tuesday also is so ridiculous that it is a joke. Which many of her solutions becomes in their own way…. We may never know what I intended to write after this point.

So yeah, I didn't manage to include everything i wanted to include but such is life. We will see I add more things to this review.

endearing moments in the episode.
Eating icecream in front of Twi
Ice-cream running joke
I ain't got time for any more of your lectures spike My lectures?
Fourth wall joke flowerpot.
Twi contrast RD PP and Spike

2f236 No.170674

2f236 No.170678

>Woops, this section should have been posted before this one.

The episode and why I picked it.

The episode I am going to review is called: ”It's about time” and it is the twentieth episode of season two. It is written by M.A. Larsson who has written a lot of great episodes.
It is my favorite episode of them all. It has both a great plot and it is hilarious to watch.

e5ce3 No.170686

File: 1536623523018.jpg (47.39 KB, 921x458, FIMFIC - UNRELEASED 7TH CH….JPG)

But we already have two of those!

2f236 No.170693

>Also, no reviews about Silver Apple Star and his adventures or whatever because I fear it would only derail the thread's purpose in that it would turn into another Nigel vs "the Glimmer internet defense force" thread. Every anon is welcomed however and you are also allowed to "shit" on the material you review.

2f236 No.170694

And in those there is no point in bringing up any other fic than Nigel's since they are not part of the thread.

b5f96 No.170820

I'll give this a bump because I think it's a great idea. I may have a contribution in the near future, but I want to ask OP if the Nigel drama threads inspired me to attempt a serious (non-shitpost) fanfiction that used Nigel's story and characters as a jumping off point, could I post it here when it's in a readable state? I think it has actual merit as writing and I would like real input on it, but I don't want to derail your thread because of potential for Nigel drama spilling over.

5638c No.170825

Fuck what OP wants. The best threads usually ignore OP and call him a fag. Fucking do it faggot.

No offence, Sven.

c490f No.170838

Sounds interesting. I've never had someone write a fic I'm writing at the same time before, it should be cool. Good luck with that!

8127a No.170842

File: 1536697360697.png (594.21 KB, 786x870, 1497912715470-2.png)

I'll go ahead and repost the Orange-Anon greens I wrote for the last writefag thread. Man, can't believe that was almost half a year ago.


>Three years.
>Three years of seeing those pointy-beaked bird-kikes fleece Equestria for all it was worth.
>And who knows how many years they've done it for, before you got here?
>How many decades?
>Well, it doesn't matter.
>Because today will be the day that (((they))) pay for their crimes against the people of this world.
>Readjusting the heavy tank resting upon your back, you march onwards towards Griffonstone.
>To think, these kikes live in shitty, hostile environments, just like the kikes from your world.
>Even in Equestria, they're shit at planning for the future.
>Otherwise, they'd have stopped you long ago.
>You must be a mile away from the town, by now.
>Your hands begin to shake.
>You can't help but develop a wicked smile, brushing a hand down your moustache.
>Who'd have thought the handlebar moustache would go so well with the orange skin?
>Ah, but there are more important things to focus on.
>Like the sounds of hundreds of bird-kikes screaming in unison.
>You're unable to keep your hands from trembling, as your grip around the flamethrower intensifies.
>No guards are seen near the gate, as you make your approach.
>Of course (((they))) wouldn't think to guard their precious enclave.
>You briefly ponder torching the entire gate, but decide to try and push the door first.
>To your surprise, it actually does swing open.
>That's strange.
>Could this be a trap?
>The pilot light of the flamethrower sparks to life.
>You step into the town, fully prepared to torch any bird-kikes that dare to make themselves known.
>The town is run-down, filthy, and clearly has never had any kind of proper infrastructure put into place.
>But more importantly, it appeared to be empty.
>Oh, you get it.
>They're hiding away in their little dirt hovels, aren't they?
>Laughing about how they've fooled another good goy, no doubt.
>Well, you'll have to agree, it is very funny.
>It'll be even funnier, seeing them covered in napalm and screaming in agony.
>You point the flamethrower to the nearest house, and pull the trigger.
>The flames shooting up along it, cloaking it in liquid flame, is pure pleasure to watch.
>As the building begins to burn down, you move to another sad excuse of a structure, giving it the same flame treatment.
>You move around the entire town, torching building after building.
>But your enjoyment of this purge was slowly arrested by one key detail.
>No screaming could be heard.
>Not a sound, other than the crackling of flames, and the occasional collapse of a building.
>Where are they?
>Where are they?!
>Where did they go?!

>The door to your house can be heard being thrown open rather violently in the background, just as you were about to descend into your secret trapdoor.

>Oh, great, looks like Twilight came back to accuse you of--
>"Where are you, Anon?!
>Nevermind, it's worse than Twilight accusing you of harbouring evil changelings.
>Groaning, you shut the trapdoor, reconceal it, and open the door leading from your office, heading towards the living room.
>"I know you're here!"
"No, I'm here."
>He jumps badly, just like every time you sneak up behind him.
>"Gah! Anon, what have you done?!
"Nice to meet you too, Annoying Orange."
>"I'm not in the mood for your little jokes!"
"And I'm not in the mood to talk, yet here we are. What do you want?"
>"You set me up! There were no griffons there, at all!"
"Oh, there weren't?" comes your insincere reply. "Well isn't that funny?"
>"There is nothing funny about this, you wretched kike-lover! Tell me where they are!"
"First of all, I don't love those 'kikes'. Assholes keep jacking up beef prices, ever since we moved into town."
>"They're liable to do much worse! Now tell me where they are!"
"Oh, they've been… taken care of."
>"What?" comes his surprised response, soon flipping back to indignant anger. "What do you mean, 'taken care of'?"
"Oh, the wife rolled in about a week ago, scoobied them all up."
>It's so nice, seeing other-Anon at a loss for words.
>"You mean to tell me that you knew they were gone, this whole time?" he says with gradually building anger.
"Mmhm," you reply, trying your best to keep the shit-eating grin off of your face.
>"And you gave me the details on their location, knowing full well I would arrive to find no griffons to kill?!"
>He looks about ready to blow a fuse.
"Why?" you reply with a pointed grin. "Because I haven't forgotten about the one time you ate my entire goddamn anchovy pizza, you fucking douche."
>"What?! You still--"
"So I'd say this makes us even."
>"You sent me on that wild goose chase for nothing more than a petty grudge?!"
"Aren't you the guy who holds a monster grudge for those kikes cutting up your junk?"
>"Wha-- How are those two even remotely comparable?!"
"Eating my soul food was like circumcising my very soul, you filthy soul-kike. Know my pain."
"Yes, I'm sure 'what' is a very lovely country this time of year, but I'm afraid we're fresh outta time for today. I've got shit to do."
>More specifically, a wife to do.
>"I'll remember this, you disgusting, bug-loving degenerate!" he hollers as you swagger off, back towards your office.
"Hey, if you know a wife who can give you a hundred kids every time you make sweet love, please, point her out."

8127a No.170843

File: 1536697397749.png (225.57 KB, 1007x1150, 1524785207749.png)

>"For the last time, Anon, I am not interested in ponies!"
"Listen, asshole," you start, looking this orange nigga straight in the eyes, "Everyone and their mother can see you need to get laid."
>"I do not need to 'get laid', and I certainly am not about to share a bed with another race!"
"See, this is what I'm talking about! If you were any more wound up, I could use you as a Beyblade launcher!"
>You sidle up to the mustachioed man, throwing an arm around his shoulder.
"Come on, man, I'm offering to help a nigga out here."
>"Your 'help' entails race mixing!"
"First off, it's species mixing."
>"You fuck--"
"No, seriously, it's like porking aliens. And ponies are way, way hotter than asari, too."
>"Th-that doesn't change a thing!"
"Sure it does. Second of all, well, exactly that! Those gals are smoking!"
>"Your wife isn't even a pony!"
"No, she isn't, and don't get any ideas, fucko."
"Back on topic. Seriously, when was the last time you saw a filthy, disgusting thot?"
>"What kind of question is that?!" he yells at you. "I had to deal with their ilk far too often!"
"Yeah, back on Earth."
>Ahh, activating his almonds always shuts him up.
"Now, when was the last time you saw one of those skanks, in the body of a pony?"
>He thinks for a moment, before raising his finger.
"That wasn't Rarity."
>And down went that finger.
>"Damn it."
"Yeah, never. Trust me, these gals have got it all!"
>"Even if you do have… some kind of a point there, what makes you think I would simply sleep around with them?"
"Aww, you're a romantic!"
>"No, but 'hooking up' is degenerate beyond measure!"
"It's settled, then! We're hitting the town, tonight!"
>"Wait, what?"
"Bring your best suit and your pocketbook, pal-io, because we're gonna find you a date!"
>"I never agreed to any such thing!"
"Less whining, more dating!"
>"You insufferable bastard…!"
"In the flesh, in Equestria, and the only friend you've got here. See you at the club!"


>This wasn't going nearly as well as you'd hoped.
>"You're a fuckingh liar, Ahnon," other-Anon slurs. "Theresh no pohnies here for me!"
>Well, he's not wrong.
>Most of the mares hanging around the club didn't want too much to do with either of you.
>And the few that were interested, were summarily scared away by his talks of gassing griffons.
>And lynching zebras.
>And replacing the diarchy with a national socialist system.
>That one really didn't go over well with Rainbow Dash.
>Only thing that got him to stop nursing the bruise, was drinking.
>And man, did you have to rein him in, to keep him from drinking himself into a stupor.
>"You fuckin' cuuuuck…"
>Funny, you'd think a guy like him could hold his liquor better than that.
>Oh, well.
"Hey, douchelord. Hang tight for a tick, I've gotta take a piss."
>"An-and you're gonna talk about the Mighty Duck movies, after?"
>Huh, so there is some memery in him, after all.
>Anyways, you give his shoulder a few pats, and make for the bathroom, hoping and praying that he doesn't spot Zecora hanging around in the back.
>Okay, you need a new plan.
>The direct approach clearly isn't fucking working.
>But what is there, even?
>You guess you could hunt down some other ponies, but man.
>About the only thing you're likely to find is lonely NEETs, uptight bitches, and Starlight drinking alone.
>Not the best odds.
>Ah, fuck it.
>Mama didn't raise herself no dirty quitter, no siree!
>One way or another, that asshole's getting his dick wet!
>You barge out of the bathroom, striding over to the loner's corner of the bar.
>You will find someone to--
>"Yew bucking schtatist cuuuuck!"
>Hello there, who's voice is that?
>Making your way over to where the glass was heard breaking, you're met with the sight of a very drunk Starlight, unsuccessfully fighting off another mare.
>A very yellow mare, her mane half black and even more yellow.
>"I-it haschn't been t-tried, yet…"
>"I oughta throw ya out'f a chopper…!"
>Wait, what did she just say?
>"Hey," the bartender yells, "Cut that out, both of you!"
>"And Leslie, you're not getting anything else, until you pay your tab!"
>"I doooo pay it!"
>"All except the tax!"
>"Tahxation ish theft!"
>You can't keep the smile off of your face.
>Pony God has answered your prayers, tonight.
"I'll take her from here, barkeep."
>"Anon? The heck's this all about?"
"The will of chaos, my good booze-slinging friend," you say while sliding some bits over to him. "Consider her tab paid off."
>He rolls his eyes, but takes the money all the same, while you start leading the pony in question along.
>"Am I beingh d'tained?"
"No, girl, you're being volunteered."
>You spin around, kneeling down to look her in the eyes.
"You're Leslie, right?"
>"Leeshlie Faaaair."
"So, what brings you to the bar, tonight?"
>"Good timesh… nopony wants to stop the schtatist cucks…"
>She's perfect.
"Perfect! Listen, listen, I've got something to tell you."
>You keep leading her towards where you left other-Anon, who thankfully is still there.
"I've got this buddy with me tonight, right? Hates cucks and degenerates like you wouldn't believe."
"Anyways, he's super duper shy, but let me tell you, he thinks you're the hottest thing since recreational McNukes™."
>The second she starts blushing, you show her to the man, himself.
>"Thish big, ohrange cuck?"
>"Hey, who you calling cuck, cuck?"
>"N-no, you're a cuck!"
>"No, you!"
>They go from calling each other cucks, to sucking face in the middle of the bar.
>You smile, even as the bar staff kicks you all out.
>And as other-Anon takes the fair maiden home, you offer some thanks to Pony God.
>Your work here is done.

8127a No.170844

File: 1536697565592.png (372.63 KB, 1553x900, 1525068998322.png)

Oh yeah, there's also a pseudo-followup to this story over at the latest n' greatest porn thread (>>164927).
I wouldn't mind writing more about our friendly neighbourhood O-non, but alas, I'm running a little low on ideas for things involving him.

aa865 No.170846

File: 1536698434400.jpg (32.52 KB, 302x475, 230733.jpg)

A really interesting book, if you like philosophy, politics or simply wonder if humans are as arrogant as you think they are, this is a book for you.
The author is quite an extremist when making his statements, for such, a lot of people take this book as being an edgy book, but there's no real argument on those screams of displeasure, as the author has a solid base for his claims, most of the time.

Of course not everything in this book is right, nor everything that is written here is the hard truth, but it is a good read, i recommend this to anyone that has a like for philosophy and politics.

558f5 No.170850

Anybody have a pdf of "The Plague Dogs" saved? I've been meaning to get to it for a while now and I can't find any sites that offer it without Jewing out or putting me on a waiting list. Local libraries also have nothing.

5468e No.170855

Just as the poster said under you. Fuck me. To be honest since no-one posted on this thread after more than three-quaters of a day I thought no-one was intrested so I should just be happy if anyone post on it so disregard that shit rule. Let the shitposting commence. I don't have any power anyway and even if I did it wouldn't matter since I am swedish. I sit on the toilet when I take a leak and never speak up.

aa865 No.170940

Just pee on the sink like a normal person, man

852e3 No.170947

Found it in Norwegian in the National Library archive (not that it helps). But I will keep on looking. I want to read it or have it read to me myself (tempted at going for Audible trial account to get the audiobook for free)
>if you don't mind reading the print (for a limited time) your local library should be able to order it (at least that is how I understand it)

b5f96 No.170997

>pee in the sink
Does your country not have empty plastic jugs or something?

b5f96 No.170999

Also, thank you. The first draft should be finished by the end of the month, I will post it when it's in a readable state.

Thanks for being a sport about it, Nige.

aa865 No.171005

File: 1536775810985.jpg (Spoiler Image, 3.42 MB, 3120x4160, IMG_20180912_195429_HDR.jpg)

S-shut up

29044 No.171195

>I will post it when it's in a readable state.
Okay. If you feel like you want any input on it, feel free to post here.

29044 No.171216

Wanna do a collab? I write the a first part of a story and you contiune it in anyway you want and than I or someone takes over after that. We create writting chain.
It will have to wait till later thougth. I got to do somethings before.

29044 No.171285

I have written 500 words now and i know where i am going now but it took more time than i expected.

50cbd No.171290

I just saw this without following the rest of this thread. Depending on its general content I'd be up for that.

8127a No.171302

File: 1536917939809.jpg (46.31 KB, 900x566, 152540__safe_artist-colon-….jpg)

Just like my old chatroom LARP days?! Sign me up!

96440 No.171373

File: 1536959125891.jpg (88.9 KB, 1280x720, Ididntfindamorefittingpic.jpg)

”So what did you want to discuss, Scruti?” The voice of a brown earth pony said. The voice was harsh.
”I have a job for you that I think you will find most pleasing. Doctor Caballeron,” a mangy old grey griffin with a collar of ragged white feathers answered him.
>Black and grey was the brown earth pony's mane, which was slicked back. Two bushy eyebrows partly covered his green eyes. He had a shirt with a lot of pockets and a red scarf with white dots that stuck out around his neck. On his flank was a golden skull.
>Around Caballeron was a three bipedal demi-humans; a fat fish guy, a hunchback dog man, and a ripped tiger guy. They were all keeping their eyes on him.
”Your oldest daughter has caused the king trouble as of late. She stole some scrolls of incriminating nature from the king's library archive. That is why I am here. I have been ordered to find them for him and now I am delegating that job to you,” Scruti cawed out the words.
>Scruti had a constant smirk on his beak, which sounded impossible since he had a beak yet he somehow managed.
>His eyes were yellow and his right eye's iris was stuck in a completely dilated position.
>Black feathers covered his head seemingly mimicking some kind of hair. They were all ruffled up. ”So what? I have no reason to help you. I rather die!” Caballeron spat out.
>The griffin pointed at a dark corner of the basement. There three ponies with their heads covered by bags were bounded and over them stood another demi-human lifeform.
>When Caballeron saw them, obvious fear and anticipation displayed on his face.
>Scruti made a gesture towards the badland goon with the hostages. The goon saw it and removed the bags off their heads.
>It was a mare and two foals; one was a filly the other was a colt. They all had cloth bound around their head and over their mouths.
>Caballeron recognized their faces immediately and they recognized him. The mare shouted something towards him but it became inaudible due to the cloth muffling her.
”Leaf!” he shouted as he meets the gaze of the mare who had a pleading look on her face.
”I got them back for you,” said Scruti.

96440 No.171374

>Caballeron turned back to him. Through gritted teeth, he panted quickly and loudly. His eyes were wide opened but stared into the dirty floor below.
”I cannot exchange Daring's life for the rest of my family. I love them all.”
>Massaging his forehead, Scruti answered.
”As I already told you, I want the scrolls. I don't care about Daring. If you bring me them, we will forget about her crimes.”
”Even if that is true, I am not stupid enough to believe that you will hold your end of the bargain.” He pointed at the three bounded ponies but glared venomously at Scruti. ”Who do I know that you will you will release my family if I give you the scrolls, huh? I don't have any leverage in this situation!”
>Scruti was waving his claw like he was deflecting his words.
”I want you to calm down and listen now. I am going to dangle a carrot in front of you now, livestock.” He pointed back to the three ponynapped. ”They will be leaving with you after this meeting is over.”
”The rules for this mission are as follows you bring me these scrolls before Daring Do reaches Equestria. She must not be allowed to bring them to the princess you see.” Scruti walked up to a chest and opened it. He grabbed a small that was filled so much that it stretched the sack. It made a tinkling sound when took it. ”Without the scrolls, there is no proof and then doubt Celestia will believe her anyway but I leave that to you as well. You should know that if Celestia learns of the contents of these scrolls or if you try to cross me in any way,”-Scruti was in front of Caballeron now and looked at him from the side; inspecting him with his right, iris-dilated eye.-”I will make you regret it.”
>They stared at each other for a moment. Caballeron opened and then closed his mouth.
”Or do you believe that you will be safe in Equestria?”
”That is good to hear because you would be a fool otherwise, Doctor.”
>Scurti handed him the bag and it rustles gently. Caballeron grabbed it between his hoof and his chest.
”That is a more than ten-thousand badland shells. That and they-” Scruti motioned for the goon with the hostages to bring them here. The goon complied and cut their binding off only keeping the ropes that were tied around there neck left to use a leach as he leads them forward. ”-are your parting gifts.”
>When they came close enough to each other Caballeron and the other three ponies embraced each other. When Caballeron tried to remove the cloth on his wife, Scruti spoke up.
”Ugh, have your family reunion later. I am not done talking business with you.” Caballeron stopped and turned his gaze towards him.
”Your daughter was last sighted in a market district in the town Seagull Horn Port with a bipedal creature my spy could not recognize. Not that I blame the griffin. These badland creatures all look the same to me.” He looked at his lackeys with distaste. ”I assume that she is going through the jungle to the Fang Wood city that borders were she can pass the Equestrian border and that this creature is her guide.
>Caballeron seemed to contemplate this for a moment.
”What if there is an information leakage?” he asked.
”It is of no concern. No one takes stock in badland rumor and the badland creatures couldn't utilize information if I gave them a step-by-step tutorial on how to do it. They are that dumb.”
>A whimper came from the fish guy. His mouth was big as a pizza oven and he was pouting profusely.
”Yeah, that's right,” Scruti said towards the fish guy and then he turned towards Caballeron again.
”I want to remind you to not cross me. I have eyes everywhere and they will report to me if you do something suspicious,” Scurti said.
>Caballeron nodded.
”Now let me explain what is in these scrolls and how they look like so you don't bring me the wrong ones. It would be embarrassing.”

You can continue this if you want, however you want but I imagine that this scene cuts here and that the next scene is with Daring Do and Anon.

8127a No.171393

File: 1536970994971.jpg (289.27 KB, 941x935, 1522214419716.jpg)

N-no fair, you didn't tell me this would be third person! H-how dare you make me try something different!

"Ayy, Tempie!" the jacket-clad green creature called into the tele-payth booth, much to the displeasure of the nearby creatures. "What's shakin', hot stuff?"
>"Call me 'Tempie' again, and I'll lash you to the bow of my airship," a vexed yet sensual voice called back, in the usual echoing quality of a tele-payth booth.
"Ooh, moving up the list? Should I bring the ball gag, too?"
>"FOR THE LOVE OF--!" the voice hollers after some spluttering, before cutting off into deep breaths.
"Yes, for the love of what? Aphrodite? Slaanesh? Pizza the Hutt? C'mon, don't leave me hanging here!"
>Grumbling was heard, followed by hoofsteps, some quiet murmuring, and then a different voice making itself known:
>"Anon, you've got to stop teasing her so much," calls back the voice of a certain little hedgehog. "One of these days, she's gonna snap."
"Grubber, has there ever been any problem I couldn't solve with ear scratches and some kung-fu? C'mon."
>"Pfft, your funeral."
"You're invited!"
>"Thanks. Anyways, did you get to the town?"
"Yesiree!" Anon gestures, as if the booth was capable of watching, towards the rest of the bustling market square. "Have I ever not been to my spots on time, lil' buddy?"
>"Guess not. Did you find the target yet?"
"Teensy bit tough finding a target that wasn't explained to you beforehand."
>"W-wait, what?! You don't even know who you're looking for?!"
"Yeah, pretty nuts, huh? Man, what I wouldn't give to reincarnate as a mindflayer…"
>"You didn't even look at the case files, did you?!"
"Oh," Anon starts, pulling something from his back pocket in wide, exaggerated motions, "You mean, the big files that say 'Do not open without orders,' those ones?"
>"Ohmygosh, you're impossible," Grubber mutters, before clearing his throat and regaining his volume. "Yeah, the case files which you are now ordered to open."
>With childlike glee, Anon tears into the packet like a Hearthswarming present, poring over it's contents in silence.
>His smile grows even bigger, his glee reaches new heights, when he scans through his target's profile.
"Dude, a celebrity?! Geez, Tempie should've told me to open this earlier! I would've at least gotten some eau de Maulwurf sprayed on!"
>"Listen, we just need you to get her within Equestrian borders, all right? She's got some--"
"Very important documents jacked from our lovely avian friends," Anon drones, adlibbing the lines from the document. "What, Cadie run out of gossip material already?"
>"Would it kill you to take this seriously?!"
"Grubber, I take all my assignments seriously! Never took you for such a savage, dawg!"
>"Look, just bring her down to Fang Wood, will you?"
"What, did Tempie get allergic to Klugetown or something?"
>"She said, and I quote: 'I'm not letting that stupid ape turn my ship into a mobile stripclub again'."
"Hey, those sky pirates totally fell for it! Never even saw me stealing their ship!"
>"No Klugetown flights, Anon."
>"Anything else?"
"Just one," Anon chirps, folding the documents back into his pocket now that he was done reading them. "What's my exfiltration method?"
>"By hoof. That flare is a last resort, understand?"
"So now we're hopping borders, Mexicolt style? I'll make sure to pick up a mariachi costume while I'm in town!"
>"I… I don't even know where to--"
"Thanks, buddy! Catch you later! Oh, and tell Tempie she better choose me, before she loses me!"
>And with a flourish, Anon presses the button on the Tele-payth booth to hang up.
"All right," he whisper-shouts to himself, spinning in place and gyrating with glee, "Time to pick me up some chicks!"
>With the swagger of a baker's dozen of G's, Anon strides into the middle of the densely populated square, scanning through the crowds for any sign of his daring quarry.
>Of course, he knew that she'd be in disguise, so this was going to require some delicate stealth procedures.
>Cupping his hands around his mouth, he takes a deep breath.
"Yoohoo! Daaaaaring! Daring, where you at? Daddy needs your daring self in his daring life!"
>Truly, he was the pinnacle of stealth.
>Not that that was ever really an option, given some of the parties he'd picked out in the crowd.
"Tell you what, Dares! The Flagon Wagon, drinks on me! Got a vodka cran with your name on it, babe!"
>Because as Anon knew all too well, you can't go wrong with the vodka cran, unless you happened to be one Tempest Shadow.
>Striding over towards said mobile bar, Anon takes a seat and orders his drinks, though thankfully he doesn't have long to wait.
>"Don't move, wise guy."
>Right on cue, a hooded pegasus mare sat next to him, the telltale pressure of a wing blade pressed up against his side.
>"You've got ten seconds to tell me what you're--"
>In one swift motion, Anon swipes the wingblade aside, grabbing the mare by the withers.
>She recoils as if expecting a strike, but wasn't quite expecting Anon to immediately start kissing her, freezing whatever motion she was about to make.
>And, by extension, allowing him to pick her up, one hand very unsubtly grabbing hold of her rump, and break for a nearby alleyway.
>She thrashes against his hold, but such simple moves do little to deter the experienced lady killer.
>It's only when he's gotten to the alcove hidden behind the dumpster that he finally breaks lip contact.
"Heh, was it as good for you as it was for me?"
>A loud SMACK rings out as her hoof collides with his face.
"No horseshoes in this desert? That's hardcore, Dares."
>"Who the hay do you think you are?!" the mare growls, glaring daggers at the tall green man.
"Very glad you asked, ma'am," he chirps, flashing his ID. "Special S.M.I.L.E. agent Anon, and your ticket outta this dump."

Expect more on the morrow. Maybe.

c048c No.171395

File: 1536971075202.png (285.09 KB, 539x720, flip ferrari and the odiou….png)

8127a No.171397

File: 1536971413768.jpg (47.29 KB, 1280x720, 1499071603209.jpg)


ca668 No.171398

My VPN keeps fucking up my flag. Let's see if it worked this time.

30c7b No.171399

God fucking dammit

30c7b No.171400

well whatever at least I got dubs

96440 No.171468

Well, I would dislike your Anon irl but as a character his actually funny and add nyaunce to the story even if he is a little rapey. I guess it could be because I am a cucked Swed as well. Myabe I should try that sometime start off by molesting a stranger. It is at lest efficent. I mean if they don't like it then you can move on faster.
>"No, but 'hooking up' is degenerate beyond measure!"XD
Anyway, as I said I think that your Anon character adds somethng to the story which I couldn't have done myself.
Understandd what I mean when I write this. I can only write serious characters that is characters that take things seriously. This is because I only want to write serious characters and because I have hard time believing they could exist.
Your anon doesn't take anything seriously and just lives for the moment.The personality type that I have the hardest time to deal with. Anon is seriously the rogue character to a T and he makes this feels like and adventure novel. He and Daing Do are a rogue duo. Anon is likeable and funny rogue and perverse. Daring is the dashing heroic rogue. All we need is a trickster rogue in this and then we have all the rogue tropes Although, I am not a fan of tropes sincei want to write unique things or at least that I did not intended to copy an already existing story line.. At least the ones that I can think of.
Also, because Daring, Grubber and Tempest all react to Anon's hyperactive spaz behavoir negatively, my suspension of disbelief isn't broken. Even if at some point Daring and Anon become couple, it would make sense that Daring in this situation she, even if she was the most promiscous mare ever, is in wouldn't be intrested in a one-night stand when is on such a mission but i could be wrong.
I know am blathering sorry.
These were some great jokes:
>"What, Cadie run out of gossip material already?"
>So now we're hopping borders, Mexicolt style? I'll make sure to pick up a mariachi costume while I'm in town!"
>Truly, he was the pinnacle of stealth
Hehe, admit it you wish you were as good at world building as me. My names are are the very definition of creativity.
>"Look, just bring her down to Fang Wood, will you?"
"What, did Tempie get allergic to Klugetown or something?"
>"She said, and I quote: 'I'm not letting that stupid ape turn my ship into a mobile stripclub again'."
"Hey, those sky pirates totally fell for it! Never even saw me stealing their ship!"
>"No Klugetown flights, Anon."
Also, you are way better at expressing yourself and your are so wordy but that is to be expected.
Also, I like how you added Tempest and her crew into this. They can be potential support characters and dependeding if we want or not we can say that the storm king either exist in this fic.
Also, I noted this.
>That flare is a last resort, understand?"

96440 No.171469

Great pic. Made me laugh. I love the pony creator oc.

8127a No.171520

File: 1537026756622-0.jpg (1.67 MB, 3840x4780, MLP_The_Movie_background_a….jpg)

File: 1537026756622-1.jpg (2.5 MB, 2067x2125, 708242__explicit_grotesque….jpg)

Glad you like it, Sven. Leafy aims to please.
Guess this is the part where I offer some feedback of my own, huh?

I don't mind at all that you want to hit a more serious angle with your particular side of it: in fact, one of the reasons I went with the jokester rogue archetype is precisely because it contrasts heavily with that other angle, giving both that little extra oomph. Don't let my madness dissuade you, my man, just keep doing your thing. It's all according to keikaku.
Having said that, I've noticed that your descriptions of events tend towards 'tell' more than 'show', which makes things read more like an instruction manual than it does a story. I'm pretty shit at explaining things, since I'm more of a 'teach and learn by example and allegory' kinda guy, so I'll pick out some sections and rewrite them to better reflect what I mean.

>Around Caballeron was a three bipedal demi-humans; a fat fish guy, a hunchback dog man, and a ripped tiger guy. They were all keeping their eyes on him.
>Scruti's pointed look wasn't alone: three other sets of eyes kept a close watch on Caballeron from all around, each pair belonging to what could only be demi-humans. A quick scan of his eyes showed them to be a portly fish-man, a hunched-over wolfman, and a particularly muscular half-tiger.
Big takeaway:
Describe, don't explain! Explanations are for manuals, descriptions are for stories. It's a common beginner's mistake, and sometimes it's unavoidable, so don't get too hung up on it. Just keep an eye out, and re-read your lines to try and catch this!

”The rules for this mission are as follows you bring me these scrolls before Daring Do reaches Equestria. She must not be allowed to bring them to the princess you see.” Scruti walked up to a chest and opened it. He grabbed a small that was filled so much that it stretched the sack. It made a tinkling sound when took it. ”Without the scrolls, there is no proof and then doubt Celestia will believe her anyway but I leave that to you as well. You should know that if Celestia learns of the contents of these scrolls or if you try to cross me in any way,”-Scruti was in front of Caballeron now and looked at him from the side; inspecting him with his right, iris-dilated eye.-”I will make you regret it.”
"The rules for this mission are quite simple," Scruti intones, turning towards a chest against the wall behind him. "Bring me the scrolls before they reach Equestria."
>Opening the chest, he pulls out a small sack stuffed so full, it almost prevented the contents from jingling as it was swung around.
"Naturally, we can't risk her telling Celestia about the contents of the scrolls, even if you do retrieve them," he continues, walking back towards Caballeron. "While I doubt the princess would believe her, it's not a chance I'm willing to take. I will leave solving that problem at your discretion."
"However," he snaps, turning his head to glare at him with his widened eye, "Should the princess learn of their contents, or if you try to cross me in any way, I will make you regret it."
Big takeaway:
First, build on the last big takeaway on describing and not explaining.
Second, break your paragraphs up! Walls of text just cause the reader to blank out and skim through it, very bad if there are important details hidden within. The general rule is to keep it to one paragraph per action. You already look like you know about the 'one speaker per paragraph' rule, and this is very similar to that. To extend on that, one speaker and action per line would be a better way to put it. Cramming more than one into a line needlessly elongates it, and makes it a chore for the reader!
Third, the thesaurus is your new Holy Bible. Phrases such as 'intone' and 'snapped' carry more meaning and flavour beyond 'said', without extending into 'said in a dull tone' or 'said angrily'. Use these synonyms well, but make sure you don't go overboard, too: nobody ever uses 'cantillate' and 'verbalize' in place of 'said', for example. A little more minor of a detail, but worth keeping in mind.

Next up, some more general observations.
>Although, I am not a fan of tropes sincei want to write unique things or at least that I did not intended to copy an already existing story line
Everything has tropes, my friend. Trying to avoid them isn't the trick: it's owning the tropes that makes things work. You take those tropes and make them your bitch, show them who's the top in the relationship. As long as you know what you want to do, ain't no trope gonna stop you.
>you are way better at expressing yourself and your are so wordy
It's partially my style, but it's mostly experience talking, since I've been writefagging for the better part of a couple of years now. Just keep plugging away at your stories, and you'll pick up the ropes and tricks just through perseverance.

Oh yeah, and don't worry too much about needing to make whole new towns, areas, items, characters, and concepts. Pic #1 is a great reference for in-universe places I use constantly, and the MLP Wiki is great for digging up and reusing what's already there. If show canon's there, why not use it?
>I like how you added Tempest and her crew into this.
>They can be potential support characters
>"That flare is a last resort, understand?"
Here's another trick for you: what you don't describe is just as important as what you do. I could leverage her and the flare at any point later on, but since I left it intentionally open-ended and explained indirectly through inferral, I could just as easily not use them at all. A handy trick to use if you want to dodge writing yourself into a corner.

>I know am blathering sorry.

Don't you apologize, Sven. Our nations are cucked enough without having to apologize for making genuine observations. Hope this was helpful to you!

d0285 No.171795

I won't post anything in the begining of this week. I am a bit behind in my studies so I going to catch up. When I have done that I will start to contribute to this again. I have even intended to make my writefagging my only hobby for the the comming month.
This was really helpful. I will return to why on a later date.
Also, I am kind of hype over the possiblities of this.

13dc9 No.172115

File: 1537265814192.png (59.95 KB, 406x438, brele.png)

Is it acceptable to post premise/summary instead of a full story here?
I have some ideas to the story that I'll probably never write cause I'm lazy that I want to run through others to see if they aren't too autistic and maybe get some ideas back.
I remember that I wrote that summary once somewhere and it was like 7-8k words long (though it included shit like character summary etc.) so it's like small story itself.

b1e89 No.172176

File: 1537294245428.jpg (55.08 KB, 604x550, Warnstuff.jpg)

Yes, that sounds great. Pls do.
Threads has changed

13dc9 No.172180

Tomorrow tho, it's too late today.

13dc9 No.172474

File: 1537383702720.png (617.53 KB, 600x592, autism_labels.png)

Here goes autism
Ok, so first thing first, it’s gonna be HiE. Just small warning for those who aren’t too found of that type of stories. There is some waifufaggotry but it’s gonna be important for the plot in more ways than just >Anon fucks one of M6 (also I just want to include it).

Our main guy is a ruskie (gonna call him here Anon but he’s probably gonna have some normal name), veteran of both Chechen wars and student of some decent uni, so he has some mechanical knowledge.
Equestria in this setting is advanced more on a level of early seasons, so not much in electricity department, lack of an industrial base, most of the stuff is hoof or horn-crafted and more advanced devices are rather product of magic than tech.
Also magic isn’t some all doing force but rather tool that can be used to do many things and solve many problems, but not everything.
Also pic related

>This all is happening before story starts:

After being killed either during his second deployment or some time after, Anon lands in Gryphonia. Right in the middle of their civil war. He gets roped into the conflict on the rebel/independence side and to some extent helps to win it. I’m not talking about him introducing any human weapons or anything like that but rather smaller things, more advanced command chain, ways to encrypt messages etc. Biggest impact on the conflict he has thanks to basic knowledge about biology, after sharing it with griphon they are able to develop some crystals/runes that can simulate earth pony magic and in quick time secure food supply thus removing their biggest weakness. He also gets fascinated by magic and coupled with his earlier interest in machines and weapons he starts to experiment with it (to the extent that non magic user can so things like crystals and runes).
After that development war rather quickly comes to a stalemate and rebels gain de facto independence. During his few months in that land Anon learns about the new world, gains some money, some powerful friends and some powerful enemies.
But he also builds some distrust towards Celestia, Equestrians had long-lasting friendship with griffons so when rebellion started ponies supported loyalists side, stopped trade with insurgent provinces which almost led to starvation.
During peace conflict on the field changes in conflict in the court, so he decides to move away from his enemies and from country destroyed by war into more hospitable land: Equestria.
He finds place away far away enough from Canterlot to not be found by Celestia (who probably won’t take too kindly to someone who fought against Equestrian ally) but also close enough to have access to all comforts that those living in the Equestrian heartland have. Also steady supply of meat (Everfree).
So Ponyville. He orders construction of a house there, fills all necessary documents and after some wait embarks on a journey to Equestria.

13dc9 No.172478

File: 1537383945021.jpg (153.76 KB, 700x523, factory.jpg)

Previous post happens before the actual story starts and is rather part of a world building but I feel like those things are important to later understand some parts of the plot.
So here is the actual story:
Anon arrives to Ponyville about 10 months before the show starts. He brings with himself most of his possessions, his magical and tech-magical stuff that he gathered during the war, armor, weapons etc. Some of those things not exactly legal in Equestria.
After first few days he gets generally accepted by ponies, he isn’t some alien or guy from Everfree, but someone who has home already built, who uses their money, even his customs aren’t that different. He meets some of the non existing yet M6, starts some initial friendship with RD, AJ distrust him cause she can see that he hides a lot so she tries to avoid him.
When buying furniture and talking with Filthy Rich he notices extremely high prices of iron (another piece of world building: not only iron is rather rare in ponyland but also most iron mines lie on the other side of the country and are owned by group of nobles who artificially inflate prices to gain more money. After war in Gryphonia started and trade with iron rich rebel provinces stopped prices of iron in Equestria skyrocketed and are still very high). Anon mentions that he has some connections in the newly independent state and after some talking decides to start small (at first) trade company. While for Filthy it’s mostly for money, Anon is more interested in acquiring various objects that for various reasons he can’t buy in Equestria but needs for his experiments. He sends some letters and waits for a reply.
Aside from that he hunts in the Everfree, at some point RD notices and also wants to be included in his trips. After some nagging he finally agrees, but she of course doesn’t listen to his orders and gets both of them badly hurt in the process.
At this point I plan to slowly start her change, she’s still blue cunt but I want Anon’s influence to shape her.

Now there are few weeks of peace. Anon learns more about runes, finish construction of his first handmade gun (I’m going for the XIX century vibe later so probably something muzzle-loaded and rifled). His partnership with Filthy starts working, they start with small amounts of iron and some other minerals like coal, they use Anon’s contact to buy it from still in theory hostile country and then Rich can distribute it to buyers. Earnings are so high that they quickly start to expand though it’s still is on a rather local scale. After recovery RD continues to go with Anon but now she listens to him and actually learns something from those trips, they explore forest, at some point also meet Zecora.

Next big habbening is when some foal (I plan to go for Dinky) gets lost in the Everfree. Ponies already know that Anon explores it so they call him for help but not before foal’s father goes to look for her. RD joins him and after some time they find a foal, wounded father and manticore. Anon uses his gun to kill monster and manages to save father (would explain what happened to Dinky’s father/Derpy husband, also why Derpy is retarded in the show – she went bonkers when her husband got killed).

After that whole debacle Anon realizes that Ponyville, town on the verge of the forest filled with monsters don’t have any protection. Mayor Mare explains that he send letters many times to the princess but never got any response – that doesn’t help Anon’s opinion about Celestia, it isn’t her fault, she isn’t the one who reads most of those letters but various ministers but Anon doesn’t know that.
So after some thinking he decides to form militia. Ponies at first are pretty reluctant and only a few joins (RD, Derpy’s husband and some other Anon’s friends) but because at this point Anon is rather respected by other folks and militia isn’t strictly for fighting monsters but also to help during storms and other disasters more ponies start to join and ranks swell to something around 30.
Also RD learns about firearms so Anon is forced to tell her more and more, though he still keeps a lot of his past hidden, but bond between them grows.

At this point it’s 5-6 months after Anon’s arrival and his company is rather big so he decides to sell part of his ownership to Rich and instead to open a factory. He knows that there is a giant market in Equestria for high quality, mass-produced tools among those who don’t have magic so he opens steel mill and tool production. With magic setting this up and construction is quite fast so after short time he’s able to start production. He looks for some ponies knowledgeable about technology, which isn’t common, but after some time he employs Flim and Flam as his chief engineers.
Ponyville start to expand slowly, with all that money from taxes, increased trade and new workplace it starts to turn into small town.

13dc9 No.172481

Changes in Ponyville now became so prominent that it’s noticed by nobles and Celestia.
During his few months Anon made a lot of enemies in the Canterlot, his iron deals destroyed monopoly that nobles had over it, his militia is something unknown in otherwise peaceful country so it’s alarming that government lost their sole control over military power, there are rumors about him possessing unknown weapons and magical devices. While Celestia isn’t really hostile towards him, her whole surrounding and court is so she starts to be quite wary of those new developments.
Nobles try to somewhat stop that change of status quo, but they can’t do much. From the financial side Ponyville has various tax exemption (it was meant to encourage settlement around Everfree). They cut funding for the town but at this point most of the income comes from the local taxes.
They pressure Weather Factory to fire pegasi who are in militia but they are simply reemployed by town or full time enrolled into militia. Only effect that their meddling has is further negativity towards government (and by extension Celestia whose really only fault is that she trust her nobles to don’t do shit like that which worked for past decades) from Ponyville citizens and Anon himself.

Over the course of the next few weeks everything is pretty calm, factory expands, they produce some proper equipment for militia (brigandines, spears, helmets, swords and shields) nothing too extravagant but they are already better equipped than royal guards. After few visits in Everfree with Anon to collect some rare plants/materials for some extra pay and to map and explore the nearest surroundings of the town they saw more action too.

Next important point is when Anon during one of his lone hunts finds Diamond Dogs (not that retarded breed that lives outside of Everfree, they are properly equipped hunting pack). He tries to follow them but they find and capture him. They take him to alpha and after some talking and explaining Anon learns about their misery.
Clans that live closer to borders of Everfree don’t have access to much arable lands, instead mountains and this parts of forest are rich in various minerals. Those clans are forced to almost slave like labor by dogs living up north, who hold most of the fields and fertile land in the forest. For sending north most of their raw and manufactured goods they get food instead.

Anon finds great opportunity here, food in Equestria is dirty cheap, and with trade with griffons stopping to be lucrative because after so much time others also started to import iron from them here he found new, cheap source that also is more or less tax-free.
After promising a deal to alpha he gets released and returns to Ponyville. He pitches idea to Filthy who while at first reluctant finally agrees to his proposition and they start preparations, expansion of railroad towards Everfree and creating stockpile zone next to town.
During Anon’s longer than usual absence RD realizes that she started to worry about him, worry more than about normal friend. It confuses her at first but when she realizes that she starts to develop some feelings for him she doesn’t know what to do and decides to not act and wait.

After that it’s about 1-2 months until Summer Sun Celebration, but nothing of any great importance happens until then. I’m probably gonna focus more here on Anon’s experiments and advancements in his factory, building of more guns for SHTF situation etc. But basically during that time trade with dogs start and Anon gets more interaction with Apples due to him trading a lot of food now.
AJ never stopped to be suspicious about Anon and after she saw all those changes that went against many of her principles it started to grow to enmity. She’s especially sour about RD being so close to Anon and feels like she’s losing a friend because of him. Big Mac on the other hand is happy about new business and as de facto head of the family he’s happy to sell apples to him.

First act ends just before show start and Twilight arrival to Ponyville, with the whole town in frenzy preparing for princesses arrival, Anon worried about meeting a princess and RD whipping preparing militia for the event.
OR after Nightmare Moon is defeated, I’m not sure.

I might write some more, I have another act more or less prepared, or I can do some world building if anyone is interested
It's the first piece of writing that I did in a few months and frankly I feel like doing some more.

cc7c5 No.172536

Hey fuck you, I did that first.

1a295 No.172538

What did you do first?

68955 No.173724

Okay, so I like your worldbuilding. The civil war between the griffins is interesting and how you later use the fact that Anon has contacts from there to Anon's advantage is also good. It would make sense that if these griffins had some resource that was rare, importing them would be a golden opportunity for Anon.
Also, it would make sense for anyone in Equestria, such as nobles or whatever, to become suspicious of Anon since if he is from or has contacts with griffins separatist aka enemies to Equestria, they would suspect him to be on some kind of mission to subvert Equestria.

So I like your world building. So far, I have seen little of your Anon, though. Anon became skilled in all things technical and in war because of the war. If the story starts when anon appears in ponyville and the war is just Anon's backstory, then it is like his actual story and character arc was in his past. So far, you haven't mentioned how he develops as a person while he is in Ponyville. His technical skills and such increase but his character doesn't. If you haven't put any thought into what Anon's character arc is supposed to be, then that is something you will have to do. RD is the only one that develops so far, as in feelings for Anon.

>During peace conflict on the field changes in conflict in the court, so he decides to move away from his enemies and from country destroyed by war into more hospitable land: Equestria.

I'm not really certain if this means that he was forced to move or not. In my mind, to fight in a war means either that you are forced into it or that you fight for something because you are actually putting your life on the line. What I am after is the question of what Anon wants. If he moves to Equestria because he has to, is his mind on the issue of winning the war in some way or has he left that conflict behind him?

68955 No.173725

I will add to this story later. Have school work to do before.

13dc9 No.173799

File: 1537697100643.jpg (71.68 KB, 484x484, 1508423397230.jpg)

>I'm not really certain if this means that he was forced to move or not.
Before getting into gryphonia he fought in the both chechen wars. Drafted into the first and then volunteered to second. (I actually somewhat based his backstory on the character of Arkady Babchenko, his memoirs from those wars are really interesting).
Just after that or even during his second deployment he lands in the griphonia, in the middle of their war.

So he lands in gryphonia, and his whole world and possessions are what he had n himself in the moment of transportation. He doesn't have home, he doesn't have friends so after the initial confusion he looks for any chance to secure his livelihood. And in the war torn country it's either picking a side or getting the fuck out.
At first, he joins separatists just because they were the first to stumble upon him and not too hostile, but as the time progress he get's more involved.
Of course it still isn't his war, but now it's war of his comrades so he has some reasons to fight, and showing his loyalty and sharing knowledge is also a good way to gather some money and contacts so he just tries to further aims of his side and secure as much resources as he can for himself.
Later another reason he get's more involved in R&D is his interest in magic.

But after the war ends and dust settles there is no reason for him to stay. Economy is strained, you have plenty of crime and misery, and when external enemy disappears infighting starts. His comrades get redeployed to the different units and branches.
He has no place for himself yet, he lived there for the past few months but he doesn't have a home, he isn't a part of any community aside from his friends from army.
It's not like his life is in immediate danger but moving away is the most optimal option.
And Equestria is neighboring country, with good economy, temperate climate and other qualities that new born griffon states lack.

As for Anon's character his let's say growth really starts to be prominent in the later parts of the story. That first act may look pretty long but it's basically setting the stage for the real SHTF situation.
So far his development is rather focused on acclimatization to the different way of life.
He just went from conflict on earth to the griphon war and then to peace. For a long time only bonds he formed with others were forget under the fire of enemy so it's hard for him to trust normal relationship.
His change is shown through the relationship with Dash, at first even though they seem as a close friends he doesn't trust her much. That's what AJ sees and why she is negative towards him, for ponies after few weeks of knowing each other they're basically best friends. After situation in the forest where they both get hurt fighting with local fauna he has more bonding experience with Dash than almost all other ponies so from her perspective they are pretty close as a friends, while he just starts to trust her.

>Also, it would make sense for anyone in Equestria, such as nobles or whatever, to become suspicious of Anon since if he is from or has contacts with griffins separatist aka enemies to Equestria, they would suspect him to be on some kind of mission to subvert Equestria.

I tried to give them various motivations for that, during the first few months communication between Equestria and griphonia is rather rare so they realize that Anon is tied to griphons in any way past business at the point where he already have many enemies in the court.
For some it's because this new upstart breaks existing status quo and their monopoly over iron, for others it's militia. They feel like such force is unnecessary in a peacefull country like Equestria and if it exists it should be controlled by them not some weird ape. For some its plain racism ordesire to get favors from more powerful nobles.
He isn't universally hated, and there are many who actually gained from his work and who support him or are ambivalent towards him but there is strong faction who wants him gone.
Celestia herself isn't really his enemy, he doesn't like her and after she learns more and more about him she gets more suspicious but there is no open hostility between them.

I think I'm just gonna write some more summary, a lot of things get explained later in the story and I don't have anything else to do today.

68955 No.173814

>With the chin being the highest point of the beige mare, she always looked down on the creatures in front of her even if they towered above her in actuality. Making sure her steps were heard, her hooves smashed down into the sandstone road's pavement making for loud sounding thuds.
>She was followed by a diverse entourage of armored creatures marching in an erratic pace.
>They followed an anfractuous path with two unwelcoming sides to it; one side was blocked by a lofty brick wall and wooden barricaded windows and the other side was a simple precipice that let you freefall into the chasm below.
>One would think that the mare leading the rest would look down to see where she stepped on such a snaky road but she kept her gaze fixed at the purple twilight sky above that were only partly ruin because the sun had not set yet. It was as if she dared the road to make a sudden sharp turn.
>After a corner, the company entered an airship harbor with rows full of ships docked to adjacent piers that protrude out from the quay. Walking past several before trotting out on one of the piers, the beige mare, found who she was looking for but also someone she rather not have found.
>An ensemble consisting of a skin-tight full body suit with short sleeves, shoulder- and back-plates and metal plated horseshoes was being worn by magically disabled purple unicorn flaunting a magenta mohawk mane-do.

I am not finished with this part yet. I am trying to implement your >>171393 teachings into my work and that is why it takes more time. i have, however, figured out what to write so I am going to finsih it maybe not today though.

8127a No.176187

Take all the time you need, Sven. And welcome to the wonderful world of hobby writefagging.

8127a No.176191

>"S.M.I.L.E.?" Daring asks, disbelief written all over her face.
"That's right, hotness. Special agent!"
>"I don't remember S.M.I.L.E. agents stalking mares in their spare time."
"What?!" Anon bellows, pulling back. "How dare you!"
>"How dare I?! You're the one who--!"
"This is not my spare time, Dares! I'm in the middle of a very important mission right now!"
>"I… huh?"
"Apologize this instant!"
>Daring spends a few moments regarding Anon with a thoroughly confused expression, before that same expression twists into a small frown, and she gives her head a small shake.
>She jumps into action with practiced ease, jumping out of the alcove and using her wings to quickly pivot in place the second she hits the dirt, allowing her to take off down the alleyway.
"Well, that went well," Anon mutters to himself, his smile returning.
>It hadn't escaped his notice that she had taken off down the alleyway, away from the crowds.
>Strolling out of the little alcove, he takes his time in following the alley to wherever it happened to take him.
>Flying wasn't an option here, thanks to both the overhanging coloured cloths filtering the sunlight down several shades, and the ever-present griffonian air police, doing their best to stop any and all sky pirates.
>And by sky pirates, they of course mean hippogriffs, but when they've got publicity quotas to meet, they're not going to be picky about grounding some random pegasus.
>And if there's one thing Anon knew, it was that Daring wasn't stupid: she'd never risk getting stopped and frisked by those dirty catbirds, hence her need to blend into that crowd from before.
>He finally comes to the end of the alleyway, his smile growing ever wider when he sees what's waiting for him at the end.
>'The Lusty Zebrican Mare', complete with flashing magic-neon signs, oozing so much skin-crawling negative class that it could probably solve the Dominion of Mankind's oil crisis.
>In other words, his kind of joint.
>The burly bull-men halfsies at the door let him in without much trouble, and his brief scan of the crowd reveals exactly what he'd expected to find.
>Half-humans, in all the races of the genetic rainbow, clustered around several dancing poles propped up on stages, each one manned by a pair of zebras, a unicorn, two halfsie snake women, and the most unnaturally curvaceous minotaur cow he'd ever had the displeasure of seeing pole dance.
>All of that to the tune of the most horrible, most generic Badlands club music he could possibly imagine, courtesy of the thoroughly bored griffon DJ hiding in the back, conveniently next to one of the large bar's self-service stations.
>And to his utter lack of surprise, at that same bar is none other than a certain gold-coated, black-and-gray maned professional thief, doing her damndest to blend in.
>He had already been on an intercept course towards her, but when one of the local halfsies of the snake persuasion began feeling up a wing, Anon picked up his pace, grabbing hold of the snake-man's shoulder right as she pushed him away, spinning him around so they were face to face.
"I don't appreciate you touching my girl, buddy," Anon fires, his eyes briefly scanning his neck and shoulders for any brands. "Get your own."
>Anon's tone was plenty dissuading enough for the very inebriated snake-man, and he leaves quickly after slurring some shaky apologies.
>Fortunately for Anon, he had no branding, so he let him leave without further incident.
>"You again…?!" Daring hisses.
"Y'know, you didn't even let me finish my spiel back there, Dares!" Anon chirps, seating himself next to her. "Barkeep, how about some Seaquestria Reserve over here?"
>As the bartender bends down to get the very hidden-away beverage, Anon leans over towards Daring, who hasn't done much else but glare daggers at him.
>"What are you even after, smart guy? Don't tell me, you want my treasure for yourself, huh?"
"Amazingly, no. Besides, I wouldn't call the catbird king's dirty laundry treasure, per se. Although, I can totally hook you up with somepony who'd pay top bit for--"
>"You're not getting them, and that's that!" Daring whisper-shouts his way. "'I don't want them', give me a break!"
"Well, you're in the right place for a break, hotness!"
>Right on cue, the barkeep clears his throat, allowing Anon to take stock of what he's dealing with.
>The fact that he's a halfsie snake-man isn't what puts him on edge, but the brand on his neck.
>Stylized stick-griffon, in the distinctive style of the Griffonstone mafia, but with the ever-so-slight alteration of the feather lines being upside-down.
>The tail end of something dissolving into both his and Daring's drinks doesn't escape his notice either, not that he ever intended to drink the swill that those hippogriffs call 'Seaquestria Reserve' anyways.
"Ah, thanks buddy!" Anon chirps without skipping a beat, grabbing both his and Daring's steins. "Hey, speaking of break, how about we hit the slot machines, hot stuff?"
>"Pay up first, monkey."
>Setting down one stein, Anon flips a pair of hundred-skal shells his way.
"Keep the change."
>Smirking slightly at the barkeep's stutters, Anon leads an unsurprisingly compliant Daring towards the spill-proof slot machines, complete with a nearby bar with nothing but shitty beers on tap.
>"Did you see that? On that guy's neck?"
"Better believe it, babe."
>"Don't call me babe," she whisper-snaps back at him. "First some pretender makes out with me, and now the Syndikat's here?!"
"Oh, he wasn't Syndikat."
>"Horseshit, he wasn't! Did you see the brand?"
"Yep, and that wasn't a Syndikat one." he replies as evenly as ever, sliding a few shells into the machine to keep appearances up.
>"And I guess mister 'top secret agent' is going to tell me, somepony who's tangled with the Syndikat before, how he wasn't?"

8127a No.176192

"Shit, you've tangled with them before, too? What'd you steal from them?"
>"Wh-- No, don't change the subject! I know Syndikat when I see them!"
"Well, you oughta be able to tell me what their S.O.P. is for targets the barkeep finds."
>"Why don't you tell me first, tailhole?"
>Anon digs into one of his pockets, pulling free a couple of small ribbons of drug-test paper.
"They have a habit of chatting up their targets, keeping them nice and distracted while the muscle gets a knife nice and close to their backs. Y'know, lead them away for a little heart-to-heart."
>The papers dip into both drinks, turning a telltale blood orange.
"Now, caldera snakevine poison? That's classic R.G.I.A."
>Daring's eyes bug out, and her jaw drops when the wet paper begins smouldering in open air.
"Wow, they used the top-shelf shit, too. This'll curdle dragon stomach acid, you know. Ask me how I know that."
>"H-how'd you…?"
"I told you hotness, I'm a professional. And one on an important mission, to boot."
>A very throaty voice clearing from behind the pair cut off Daring's reply, and the two turn their heads to face the source of the voice.
>Three very burly halfsies greeted them, each with the telltale brands of their leash holders displayed proudly on their necks.
>To the untrained eye, they might seem like the brands of the big Griffonstone crime ring, the Syndikat.
>But to a trained agent like Anon, the slight difference in the wing details gave them away as Royal Griffonstone Intelligence Agency muscle.
"Something I can help you gentlemen with?"
>"Yeah," the big, dim-eyed fishman spits Anon's way. "Youse hangin' 'round my gurl there, partnah?"
"Aw, nuts, she's yours? Babe, you never told me you were taken!"
>"What are you even--?!"
>Anon kicks her back leg in the universal sign of 'play along, you fucking dipshit', although such a description would definitely be better placed upon the halfsies trying to intimidate the pair.
>"Uhh, yeah! Sorry, but it's just not working out. Anon here's just so much better!"
"Well there you have it, big guy. Looks like you're out one date for the night."
>"Outside," the fish-man grumbles. "Now."
>Anon couldn't have asked for a better way to avoid involving the crowd inside the club.
>Two more halfsies very unsubtly peel off of the crowd and follow behind both Anon and Daring as they're led out of the club, the bouncers outside of the door joining them once they're fully out of the building.
>"Youse got somethin' that don't belong to youse, pony. Hand it ovah."
"Man, real 'love them and mug them' type, aren't you?"
>"Can it, ya stinkin' fullblood! Ah ain't talkin' to youse!"
"Aww, that's too bad, since I just love listening to the sound of your voice!"
>"What part'a 'can it' didn't youse undahstand?" the fishman snarls, he and his buddies pulling knives free and making a show of swinging them around.
"Seriously, have you considered talk radio? I'm sure they'd love hearing the sage advice you've got under your belt!"
>"A'ight, tha's it! Cut this hosah up!"
>"What the hay are you doing?!" Daring whisper-shouts.
"My job," Anon whispers back, his smirk never fading.
>"C'mere, smartass!"
"Hey, hey, easy-peasy there, hotshot."
>Anon can't help but roll his eyes at the five halfsies circling him, trying way too hard to look intimidating.
"Oh, put the knives away. Honestly, it's like it's your first day on the payroll!"
>"Now, listen--"
"Uh-uh, you listen. See, here's how it's gonna go. I'm gonna drop every one of your little buddies here, then we're gonna have ourselves a little talk about manners and employers, you feel?"
>"Get him!"
>The snake-man is the first to lunge, but all that reptilian DNA doesn't prepare him or any of the other halfsies for Anon's lightning fast reactions.
>A swift bicycle kick at just the right time knocks the snake-man's knife into the air, and Anon takes that airtime to pull his own knife free with his left hand.
>Ducking low, he slashes at the legs of a charging bull-man, his cries of pain quickly muffled by his faceplant into the still shocked snake-man, both crashing to the dirt in short order.
>Shooting back upright, Anon's right hand catches the bigger knife, his smirk still perfectly intact.
"Two satisfied customers! Who's next?"
>The remaining halfsies, lacking as they are in the intelligence department, all charge Anon simultaneously, even the bouncers flanking Daring.
>Going for another duck, he slashes at the knees of a rather furry, rather slender tiger-man, letting his body flop onto Anon's back.
>Stabbing both knives into the tiger-man's sides, he whirls the man around in a circle, using his thrashing legs to hit the other halfsies, knocking three of them flat on their asses before he pulls the knives out and throws the tiger-man to the ground.
>One of the bouncers is given a solid, mid-air flying kick by none other than Daring, the impact of the kick not only knocking him out cold, but lined up just so that his head would knock against the other bouncer's head, knocking him out as well.
>Only two halfsies were left: the leading fish-man, and a badly shaking wolf-man with an actual glimmer of intelligence in his eyes.
"So what's your story, wolfboy? How come you're hanging out with these hosers?"
>Nothing but nervous stutters leave the wolf-man's throat.
"Listen, kid. Do yourself a solid and just book it on out of here. Don't throw your life away for these clowns, all right?"
>That was all the encouragement he needed, the wolf-man dropping his knife and taking off down the alleyway, never looking back.
"Alright," Anon drones, pointing both knives at the fish-man. "Which catbird had you mug Daring here?"
>"Sc-sc-sc-Scruti!" the fish-man cries, dropping his knife and falling to his knees.
>The knife in his right hand is thrown at the fish-man's head, where the pommel collides with his forehead, knocking him out cold.
"Oh, fuck my life," Anon groans.

ec99d No.176317

I will add to this in the morning or rather >>173814 this. Liked what you wrote will come back to it.

e3d34 No.176451

I have some ideas but only mobile con

ffe21 No.176463

What do you mean? Do you not have a computer you can post it with?
I have sorted it out now and have started writting it. Hopefully I can finish it before my computer erodes away.

e3d34 No.176466

Got a pc but no connection so i gotta find a way to post anyway without making a clusterfuck out of it

6e8f5 No.176832


>Climbing the wooden boarding bridge with rope railings, Sunset and the rest of her gang of mercenaries came up on deck that was like a spacious room because of the inflated air balloon above them acted as a ceiling as it was much greater than the ship is held aloft.

>At the moment though, the white balloon was wrinkled like raisin and only hold itself up but would later be filled by air when they would take off. If one looked down between the piers one could see that there was a floor in the groove they created which the ship stood on.
>When Captain Celaeno came on board, she gestured to them to follow her as she went down below deck.
>The [insert name here for Sunset's mercenary gang] were inclined to follow her, however, they waited for Sunset to make the first move. When Sunset walks downstairs into the lower floors of the boat, they accompanied her down.
>They were lead through the ships different floors by Celaeno. They went through the same procedure on each floor: Celaeno telling them that a number of Sunset's mercenaries could sleep there, Sunset told that many of her soldiers to settle in and she also left them with a warning not to cause any commotion while they were on the ship. She explicitly said that: ”If any of you stir up any trouble, I will test if airship keelhauling is as dangerous as regular ones.”
>She had left the last of her warriors, who were going to sleep in the basement that was filled with provisions, with a word about how they should not consume any of the beverage or foods unless they wanted to explore how it was like to be an anchor.
>Now Captain Celaeno had only Sunset left to guide to where she would be staying on the ship.
>Celaeno ascended the stairs leading up to the uppermost floors at a quick pace. She did not look behind her to see if Sunset followed. Almost like she wanted to avoid eye contact.
>Sunset did not increase her pace to match the parrots and therefore lost her in the staircase. She, however, caught glimpses of her later on a higher floor turning the corner of the end of a corridor.
>When she turned the same corner, she meets the captain again going back for her. As they locked eyes, Sunset could see glimpses of nervousness in her eyes. Sunset returned her look with a scrutinizing look that probably came off as annoyed.
>Celaeno averted her gaze and instead directed her attention towards a door that she pointed at with a claw.
”That's your cabin,” she said.
>She then tried to pass Sunset but Sunset stepped in front of her blocking her way.

6e8f5 No.176833


>For a brief moment a flash of annoyance crossed Celaeno's face for Sunset to halt her. Only for it to disappear when she was reminded of who she was dealing with when she saw Sunset's face.

>To think that a creature that she had to look down on her feets to see could be so intimidating.
”Do you need help with something more?” Celaeno asked.
>The only light that lit up the corridor was the window at its end that where behind Celaeno but because it was like that Celaeno's shadow covered Sunset in darkness.
”Yes, I would like to know what you and Tempest talked about.”
>Celaeno moved her claws in front of her and waved defensively.
”Sorry, Sunset. I shouldn't reveal information about other clients.”
”So she is a costumer, huh? What business have you two been up to?”
>Celaeno looked like she wanted to beat herself.
>Sunset continued to move forward low like a predator and drove the parrot further back in the corridor till Celaeno reach the wall at the end of it.
”Nothing really. Just mundane things. You wouldn't be interesting,” The parrot nervously blathered.
”Try me,” Sunset said with a strict and commanding voice. Her eyes pierced the parrot. On the tip of her horn a small teal flame burst to life, travel backward, and it illuminated her face and the dark corridor.
”Raah! Thank you for providing us with these supplies Captain Celaeno. Raah!” Celeano said.
>She spoke in the voice of Tempest Shadow. As she spoke her empty eyes stared straight ahead at nothing in particular.
>When she was done speaking she clasped her talons around her beak and looked profusely embarrassed.
>Sunset was surprised for a moment causing her magic to fade out but then a sly grin etched itself onto Sunset's face.
>Her head tilted to the side as she looked at her.
”Parrot Syndrome, huh?” said Sunset.
>With fright Celaeno looked at her, clearly loathing this situation.
>Her reaction only made Sunset's smile spread even further.
”I assume that that was Tempest. It sure sounded like her.”
>It looked for a while like Celeano wanted to deny it but then she realized how futile it would be.
”At the beginning of spring, I delivered a large supply order to them. That's all.”
”Really, then what were you talking about before then when I meet you?”
”Oh, she wanted to know if I could recommend a tailor for her. The ballon to her ship is leaking so she needed someone to repair it. I told you it wasn't very interesting.”
>Her posture became more relaxed than before. She breathes out heavily and wiped away her sweat.
>Sunset didn't notice this as she was pondering this new information and held a hoof to her chin.
”It doesn't make any sense. Why would you not simply tell me something so trivial from the beginning?” Sunset look at her sharply.
>Celaeno gulped.
”It is our policy not to reveal things about our clients to others.”
”Right, I understand that. Yet, you have been acting so suspicious, like you, there is something you don't wish for me to know. Tell me what you are hiding from me, NOW!” Sunset lunged with her horn flaring with magic but then stopped almost immediately afterward and her magic dimmed out.
”Raah! Celie, you adorable chicken. You even wrote your own name on them. Raah!” said Celeano in a manly voice.
>When she came out of her state, Celaeno blushed so hard that even though her cheeks were covered in white down they seemed to be pink.
>Meanwhile, Sunset looked rather pleased with herself for turning the tables into her favor.
”Who was that Celaeno?”
>Tipping her hat over her face in an attempted to hide, Celeano looked away in shame.
”Why do you have to know?” She said.
>Sighing heavily, Sunset answered.
”I just want to make sure that you two aren't plotting against me.”
>Celaeno immediately remove her hat from her face and with wide eyes looked Sunset straight in the eyes to make sure that the point she would make got through.
”No, please believe me. I would never do something like that to you, ”Celano cried out pleadingly.
”Yeah, you are right you won't.”
>Sunset seemed satisfied with that response but there was nibbling feeling in the back of her mind that wanted to know more: curiosity.
”But then there really shouldn't be any problems in telling me who that was?”
>When Celaeno didn't answer sunset added.
”Do you want me to stimulate your syndrome again? I can elaborate beyond jumpscares, believe me.”
”Okay, okay fine. His name is Anon and he is human. He is a member of Tempest's group.”
”I didn't know she had members like that I thought that all her members were overgrown hedgehogs-gorillas or whatever they are called. So what did the two of you talk about?”

”Spit it out already!” Sunset spat getting tired of all this stalling.
”He stole my panties.” Anime fucked my life up

”Huh?” spluttered a dumbstruck Sunset.
>Celaeno squirmed on the spot.
”I had asked tempest to look for them but she hadn't found them. They were not in his room.”

”Uuuuhh, well I must be off. Good to know you have better things to do than conspire against me.”
>Sunset turned around with an out-weirded and flustered face.
”By the way, do you know where our employe is?”
>Still looking ashamed, Celaeno pointed at a door in the other end of the corridor.
”Doctor Caballeron and his family are in that room.”

6e8f5 No.176835

So between this >>173814 section and this one >>176832 there is suppose to be a scene were Sunset (the biege mare even though she is yellow for those of you who aren't color blind) have an interaction with Tempest.
The really important scene is the one after this one >>176833
I will get to it firs before I get to the one with Sunset and Tempest since those are tirvial and don''t effect the plot as directly and as much as the one wit hSunset and Caballeron does. I will hope it will be done around friday or saturday.

02ac0 No.177477

File: 1538792097460-0.png (36.74 KB, 830x650, Flip_Ferarri.png)

File: 1538792097460-1.pdf (555.07 KB, Flip.pdf)


So here's my ridiculous meme novel featuring my interpretation of Nigel's OC. It hasn't really been edited beyond a single quick skim through so there is probably a lot of shit wrong with it. I would appreciate criticism and input from anyone willing to slog through all 118 pages of it.

It's attached as a PDF because it's like 55k words and I don't want to take up the whole thread, but if there's any issues downloading I can throw it in a pastebin or something.

70e49 No.177625

So basiclly I have had things on my mind lately. Honestly, I had a breakdown. So that is the reason for why I had a hard time post things to this story.
Below this paragraph I will include the scene after my latest post to the story but in an unfinsihed sketch of what I wanted to write. The reason for me posting it instead of a written version is because now when I feel better must focus on my stuides for a while, probably most of these three incomming weeks, since there is an exam I have to manage.

>Here is the scene that follows >>176833

sunset notice his family through a door crack and almost looks displease ? Mybe

1Sun: Othewise I have to sayt hta you are lucky I have nothing schedauled for this week. Htat I could komma här på så kort varsel.
2Cab: Was it luck or the money I wonder
3Sun: hehe
4Sun: So finding the infamous adventure daring do and steal her shit is baout it?
5Cab: Yes, however, I like to add a condition to the deal and that is that you don't kill daring do no matter waht
Sun: Okay, but that will cost extra. And while we are on the subject I like to be payed upfront
6 Cab:Certainly
turns to the bag on his desk
7Cab: eeh , I honestly hope it won't come down to that I think we can get her to give itto us.
This might be something I would add later. I feel it might not fit this moment.

8 Feel the machette on his neck
9 Cab: I heard that your poilcy was not to rob customers since it would ruin yuour image
10 Sun:That's when they arn't enough to stupid to just leave their money ungaurded.

13 she grabs it and mlooked smugly at the stallion like he was stupid parhaps
14 Sun: I will be seeing you
15 Cab: You know this is really ins't my job it is scruti's.
16 Sun: No you are lying
17 am I has some document proof or whatever the sigil

19 perhaps he can have the the tatto newly marked on his neck takes off scarf
20 she regonices it of course
21 Scared pants you muthercfucker you tricked me .
22 Do you blame me I have to succed in this job no matter what
23 trying to controll rage
24 Are you in or do i need to tell scruti that you are not?
25 sammlar sig
26 I am in growling
27 Excelent now Are you willing to hear my plan
28 Reluctenlty sunsert moves towars the desk
29 Okay, so do we know where Daring is?
30 they was last seen in seagull port market district this morninng
31 They ?
32 Well she and some badland creautre. We know every little perhaps it was a radom incounder
33 Ponders
34 How do you know this ?
35 Scruti got a call from one of his spies about it
36 Looks at the map stares
37 So she is crossing the border
38 Yes and that is were we come in we are going to intercept her at fangwood before she reaches equstria

46 Looks at the distance from kluge town and seagull pot andd from seagull port to ang wood
47 Looks anoyed
48 I presume that is based on the idea that she would walk there. There must be ahirsjhips there since the place is called a port but it lacks any without any nearby major water suppluy. Why canät she just fly to Fangwood.
49 Because Scruti has powerful contacts there. His first orders were probably to stop all out going airship trafick. It wouldprobably take them all they but I have no doubt that is is done by now.
50 Looks out hte window and meets the night sky
51 So how long do you think it will take for her to travel to fangwood by hoof?
52 It will probably take her three to four day to get to the djungle and than two to three days to get to fangwood.
53 Ses tha there is a markant skillnad between the distance of s-j and j-f
54 Why so much time through the jungle
55 Because she woul have to walk slowly through it Aristolle and his culthas set up a base around the acient tempel of nananan ef fdafsd in the area and they wouldn't want to be discovered
56 Who is aristolle
57 Uh, you don't know him? He and his cult is rahter famous
58 no I haven't. But might be beause I haven't been traveling much in the badland. I havemostly just stayed inthis town ever since I got here.
59 That can explain it. He almost never leaves the jungle and when he does he only wisit Fangwood. That is where I made most of my deals with him. Since you can fins lawless and neutral ground there.
60 Fangwood is lawless. I heard it belondded to the deers? Don't they have laws there?
61 The city is split up into a bunch of factions with the deers aliied with equstrians and the deers faction allied with the griffins being the two largest. There is a sort of stalemate proxy war going on there. It is a crazy place.
62 Okay, well then if we are going to intercept them then I assume that we will reach fangwood in shorter time then
63 Yes we will we have all the advantegaes. We have alonger road ahead of us than theyy do but since we can fly the bird way, keep moving druing the night and move faster than they do we will make up for it. We will reach seagull city in three days and from there it will take us a day to reach Fangwood. While they atelast take five.
64 So we will be waiting for them. Still though you said that this Aristolle could potentially take Daring's stuff
65 In that case we will have to strike a deal with him. He would probably not have anything against selling them.
66 Pushes bag in on her
67 We can talk more later. I do however want to leave as quick as possible. I will tell the captain to take off while there is still light being relfeted in the clouds above we want to be above them before it is too dark for two reasons. Cover and direction.
68 Both of them leave the room

8127a No.177657

File: 1538862766001.jpg (87.68 KB, 765x447, 1479413429194.jpg)

Don't feel like you've gotta rush into this or anything, Sven. Take all the time you need.

70e49 No.177658

I see so this pretty much the background of this character which will be revealed through out the story if I interpreted this correctly.
>At first, he joins separatists just because they were the first to stumble upon him and not too hostile, but as the time progress he get's more involved.
>Has already been in two wars
I think it makes total sense.
I like it to be honest so what happens next? Do you diviate from mlp fim s1 e1 or is everything pretty much the same but now there is new character amongst the main cast.
Will you follow the the first season after that or will you change things there as well?

ce4d0 No.177691

File: 1538866018312.gif (720.23 KB, 581x508, 1521717534885-0.gif)

>It happens.

70e49 No.177697

Thanks, leafy-sempai. I just wanted to post the ideas I had for the plot of this story. There is this unspoken idea between us that whatever we write in our posts become canon in our story. If you write something, I can't dismiss this in my part (Since it actaully happened in the story) vice versa. And I really think that this is neat. This sort of tennis back-and-forth makes it so it is never clear where the story is going and that keeps it intresting. It is also intresting how we read eachothers work and try to intrpret the others intention. Which you did fantstic btw
>"Sc-sc-sc-Scruti!" the fish-man cries…
>"Oh, fuck my life," Anon groans.
You amplified Scruti to a more danagerous character with that dialogue.
So the reason for posting that>>177625
was because I wanted to show you what Ideas I had for the story and in what way I would expose them. Since it is not in finished format, however, you don't need to follow any of it. I just wanted to show you what my ideas were.
This>>177625 was written before this>>176833. I thought about it since this post >>176833 took such a large effort to make I felt like I, even if I feel better now, dont have the energy to write it at the moment.

70e49 No.177699

I like these and I intend on give you feed back on them as well.

02ac0 No.178036

File: 1539018099021.pdf (554.6 KB, Flip.pdf)

Updated version, couple of minor errors corrected that were pointed out by some people I showed it to.

13dc9 No.178289

>Will you follow the first season after that or will you change things there as well?

Depends on which part of S1.

Most of the events that happened during s1 will be mentioned, some of them would go completely differently and some of them will be resolved before they start to affect town or M6.
It really depends on which episode. If it’s something that affects mostly M6 there is no real reason for Anon to be there unless it’s centered around Dash.
Events that affect whole town will in most cases go in a different manner. Some will be resolved by militia, some by M6.

Anon won't be just hamfisted into eveything cause he's a human, if it affecta him or those close to him it'll be in the story but shenanigans of other ponies aren't of big importance to him.

First big deviation is with appearance of NMM.
Tl;dr version is that militia goes with M6 to the forest, that allows them to avoid most of the trials for elements and deepens rift between Dash and Twilight. After some regular fight between militia and NMM she gets blasted with elements but because of sustained physical damage and elements not working 100% properly (bearers aren’t as great friends as they were in the show) Luna ends in rather dire situation.
It isn’t anything permanent but for now she ends in coma, with scrambled memories and barely clinging to life.
After that Twiglet decides to stay in Ponyville and we start with s1.

Aside from events from episodes this act (from the begging of s1 to the gala) will be a lot more concentrated on dogs and brewing conflict between Anon and Equestrian authorities.
While so far most of animosity was between him and some parts of nobility it changes now.

Celestia isn’t ecstatic about what happened to Luna, she knows that it was necessary but her beloved sister is barely alive now and a lot of injures were made by militia.

Twilight letters don’t paint Anon in a favourable light too. A lot of them is just autism speaking but after some investigating Twilight also finds about some not exactly legal activities that Anon partakes in (some of his magic research, producing weapons etc.). Twiligth doesn’t have any evidence but it’s another red light for Celestia.

In an effort to regain some footing in Ponyville and curb militia someone deicides that it’d be great idea to place some Royal Guards in Ponyville, it’s a home to the Element Bearers now. Another thing that doesn’t go well, there is a lot of animosity between guards and militia and another reason for more negativity between Anon and his surroudnings and the crown.

So he simultaneously gets closer to dogs to the point where at he end of s1 he has position of authority there, and gets agitated by Equestrian government.

After gala he's forced to completely abandon Ponyville, destroy eveything he can't take with himself and escape to the Everfree.

It's getting late now but I'll go into more details later.

b8dd2 No.178356

File: 1539251187014.mp3 (123.63 KB, Flip-Teaser.mp3)

Greatly enjoyed it, well worth a read
>or have Microsoft read it to you

13dc9 No.178945

File: 1539631330740.png (880.27 KB, 686x685, Rysunek bez nazwy.png)

Ok, let’s focus on Diamond Dogs for now.
First some more wordbuilding:

Before ponies arrived to what is today known as Equestria they lived up north. They weren’t divided by racial lines, of course there were places where only unicorns/pegasi /earth ponies lived but there were also various states that weren’t limited by such things.

Most of Equestria was inhabited by other races. Diamond Dogs in the west and central parts, zebras in the south and changelings living among them in quasi symbiotic relationship. (They don’t feed solely on emotions, they are omnivores but love is vital for them during the early development to stay healthy and necessary to use magic).

Ponies lived in harsher climate but thanks to pegasi control over weather and earth ponies abilities to grow plants they could survive there and were protected from invasion, because no other race would be able to build sustainable agriculture up north.

What ponies call wendigos was in reality a small ice age. It forced majority of ponies to migrate south while those who stayed formed crystal empire.

But before it get to the point where ponies couldn’t sustain themselves it created a lot of upheaval in the south. Without access to magic it hit other states a lot harder. With strings of bad harvests, natural disasters and civil unrest it collapsed dog’s state and they regressed to more tribal state. Changelings could no longer sustain themselves in the war ridden country and were forced to go into hiding and turn to hunting for food.

When ponies arrived they easily pushed barbarians into hiding and settled in the Equestria. Some dogs escaped into Everfree (a lot smaller than in the present time), some into various mountains and other places where they were safe.

After climate warmed and dogs could regain some strength they realized that their land doesn’t belong to them anymore and all attempts to reclaim it only established them in pony history as a monsters and brutes.

Now most of their population lives in various clans in Everfree and while there are some other dogs in some places in Equestria, small gene pool and diet often including mostly gems lead up to the intellectual regression and often various mutations of those groups. Again contributing to pony perception of their whole species.

And back to the story now.
Quick recap: So far contacts between Anon and dogs were limited mostly to business sphere.
In an effort to make trade easier dogs constructed a trading hub at the verge Everfree and linked with Ponyville by the railroads. They sell mostly raw ores and in exchange get food and various magical items. That’s how it looks before s1 start.
Now, during s1 there is shift in the story and it starts to focus more and more on dogs and dog related stuff while Anon’s affairs in the Equestria get more and more bogged down and a lot of work down on the ground gets given to his subordinates and associates.
So trading business is now mostly owned by Filthy Rich, Anon is only responsible for contacts with dogs and after materials get to Ponyville they are moved further by others.
Militia now has bunch of semi competent ponies that can carry out a lot of responsibilities and Anon doesn’t need to take care of everything.
So now his attention is focused on his own work and experiments, factory and dogs.

While at first trade between ponies and dogs went unnoticed by other clans it changes quickly. Before Anon's dogs've been sdending most of their production to the stronger clans living deeper in Everfree and got food and other materials in exchange. But because their own food production was limited they were practically dependent on the supply of food from outside and were forced into very unfavourable deals make them de facto serfs to to other dogs.
Similar situations happened to most other clans that weren’t situated in the center of the forest, while technically they were independent in practice they were puppet states.
There were various attempts through the years to change this situation but clan that started to make problems would quickly find that all their allies turned back on them and ceased trade and if it hasn't stoppe them they would find an army on their doorsteps.
But now, with food source outside of Everfree clan next to Ponyville decided that it’s their moment and they should try to regain some power. And Anon was key piece of this plan.

And he wasn’t opposed to helping them. Over the time he found great friends among dogs, they reminded him a lot of his old comrades. Living in the Everfree, even in an organized state, was still full of dangers. Wild magic, constant danger of attack by various creatures created hard people that were different from the ponies. Why he had some friends among ponies he could really connect with only a few of them and even then they wouldn’t really understand him on many occasions. His only close comrade among ponies was Dash and it took her a lot of effort to break through his shell.
But dogs were different, and he found it a lot easier to connect with them. So when alpha asked him for help it hadn’t taken much effort to bring him to the cause.

So parallel to living in Ponyville he offers more and more knowledge to dogs while simultaneously getting more respect in their community. Organization and logistics, forming some standing military force etc.
Of course not all dogs accept him, alpha’s son see him as his rival, some see him as a heretic etc.

Dogs have their own system of beliefs, I think about something between traditional Slavic beliefs and Siberian shamanism, with focus on nature spirits and Everfree itself. They can to some extent interact with the forest itself and with forest creatures. They use timberwolves as mounts, they give their dead to the forest etc.

13dc9 No.178947

File: 1539631442525.jpg (445.16 KB, 1276x2097, cdf090f5cce6dc1a3dec81d083….jpg)

After his factory in Ponyville gets trampled during the Ursa indcident he dicdies to move it to the trading post in an effort to escape equestrian jurisdiction. After that he can start employing dogs and thanks new cheap workforce and better access to resources further expand industry.

During that time tension between Anon’s clan and neighbours arise and conflict is coming so his clan prepares in frenzy. They lack numbers or standing military so Anon must quickly organize force that can withstand fight with a lot stronger enemy.

He asks some of his most trusted ponies from militia to teach dog officers what they can, aside from switching production of factory to mostly military supplies he also tries to buy as much equipment as he can from Equestria and other places. Coincidentally place with a large stash of various military supplies and people who Anon knows that can sell them is also a place with shaky relations with Equestria – rebel provinces.

He manages to ship large amounts of contraband into the Everfree but in the process almost completely destroys any chances of peaceful life in Equestria. Even if he wasn’t caught directly he left some clues and it’s only a matter of time before his enemies among nobles get evidence of his crime.

Before invasion Anon manages to train some decent force, and while still outnumbered they are partially equipped with firearms, have some rudimentary artillery etc. Their enemies don't expect any serious resistance so they manage to repel invading force and almost completely cut down their ruling class (other armies are more akin to feudal, so wealthy and powerful knights forming cavalry and bulk of army formed by those who aren’t really interested in fighting) but during the struggle alpha’s son dies, alpha gets badly wounded and Anon himself also sustains some injuries though not so grave.

Civilian population of the enemy clan is quick to welcome incoming army when they offer free food, lowering taxes and skilled propaganda, without their overlords there is nothing pushing them to fight against their brothers.

In the meantime Anon returns with the alpha and rest of wounded, then he returns to Ponyville but not before dying alpha makes him promise to take of care of his dogs cause he’s now the only one that can protect them when the real war starts.

After return to Ponyville Anon plans to abandon Equestria before he gets pursued but Gala is coming.
He was supposed to go with Dash (he’s high enough on a social ladder now to get invitation).
While Dash had feeling for him for a long time she tried to hide that partially from it being uncool, and partially because for all her bravado she didn’t know what to do.
Anon, not being blind and stupid realized it long ago, even before his friends pointed it out to him but because he knew that he would be forced to leave soner rather than later, and not wanting to force Dash to decide between him and her whole life he never acknowledged her affection as anything more than being close friends in hope that she’ll change her mind. (Great idea, right?)
With Gala coming she decided that it would best moment to ask him to be something more than friends, while he decided that it would be too cruel towards her to leave before Gala, even though his friends in Canterlot warned him that if goes he might get captured.

So they go to the Gala, have great time together, then Anon manages to slip from the guards looking for him and goes to already prepared train to escape. Dash after realizing it is heartbroken, but follows him and manages to catch him in the train. They talk to each other, confess their feelings etc., all that sappy stuff. Anon manages to persuade Dash to not follow him cause now someone needs to protect ponies that were close to him from negative repercussions and Dash is the only one he can trust to do it.
Train is caught by some guards, they fight them off and manage to arrive to Ponyville. Anon already moved everything valuable to the forest, so he sets his home on fire and escapes while Dash stays and is supposed to act as if he used magic to charm her. (matching one of Twilight’s theories, he knows some weird magic and Dash is one of elements so for our lil autist everything looks legit)

14df2 No.179047

File: 1539695103637.png (363.54 KB, 960x786, BanGunsAndMarijuana.png)

Quite nice! This offers a bit of nuance and plenty of opportunity for character development. Also shows more of the diamond dogs, who are otherwise neglected in fanfics.

However, I have a couple of questions. Firstly, wouldn't it be more profitable for Anon to sell some of his technology to aspiring industrialists? Being one man and having a limited access to labor and capital would prevent him from developing industry overnight, but he may see opportunity in drawing up patents to some simple earth inventions and sell them to those who can and want to set up factories for their manufacture. This may make him (besides loads of money) some potential allies, if not friends, among the upper classes of Equestria, therefore providing a counterpoint to the established elites being suspicious. It would also make some plotlines, like the Gala escape, more realistic and provide added depth through political intrigue.

Also, I am interested in what the Mane 6 think of him, besides Applejack and Rainbow Dash. Twilight would probably be thrilled at the opportunity of studying something completely new to Equestria, creating a new attachment to Ponyville almost as strong as her canon friendships. She may serve as an unlikely bit of comic relief (if you're going for that) as she constantly invades his personal life to get to know him better. Rarity would probably be ambivalent other than for the increased number of customers. Pinkie would be in a whirl from having to entertain and welcome all the newcomers. Fluttershy I can imagine trying to endear herself to Anon and volunteering to guide him through the Everfree, only to run out screaming once he kills and butchers an animal.

The townsponies would probably want to keep their distance, with the exception of some despite disapproval from friends and relatives. Lyra would probably want to befriend the human (out of fancanon) and the CMC would want to find out secrets for attaining their cutie marks, as well as what his cutie mark is.

But these are just some thoughts. If you want to focus on a few characters then by all means do so; some of my favorite fanfics are centered on just two or three characters.

13dc9 No.179058

File: 1539700324428.jpg (119.01 KB, 1083x682, 1459869460105.jpg)


Ok, you must remember that Anon isn't some alien in that story. He didn't came from Everfree or thanks to some freaky magic. He used a train, he had home already built for him. He knew pony language and even his customs weren't that weird.

> Firstly, wouldn't it be more profitable for Anon to sell some of his technology to aspiring industrialists?

In theory it probably would.
But there are a few problems with it.

First and foremost Anon isn't interested in starting the industrializaiton in Equestria. He decided to open factory because he coudln't manufacture many things that were needed for his personal experiments and work, not because he wanted to be some big Equestrian capitalist.

It isn't even that profitable to him either, he doesn't know how to built most of necessary machines. He knows some magic, he knows about firearms, has decent education and knowldge about history. But that doesn't mean that he instantly knows how to build everything he needs. So he'll just employ someone that has knowledge about that stuff (Flim and Flam) and only give them general guidelines and concepts.

He also has no reasons to help Equestria in any way. Yeah, he has some friends in Ponyville but it isn't his nation, he has no loyalty to it. He has no place that he can call his own right now, if he really wanted to start revolution he could to it easier in griphon lands. And Equestrian government from his position did everything it could to screw him up, even before he arrived to Equestria. (poneis supporting opposing side during the griphon war)

Another thing is pony society as a whole. There aren't many inventors or aspiring industrialists there. Ponies are tied to their jobs for life, not even because cutie-marks force them but because their culture revolving around cutie-marks forces them. So every change is incredibly slow and often when some inventions appears it wouldn't catch simply because there are no ponies around with right talents to pursue that avenue.


Anon isn't part of M6 just because he's a human in Ponyville. He has his own friends, his own goals, only things linking him with M6 is Dash and chaos that elements create around themselves.

It isn't fic about M6. Yeah they appear often, they have big impact on the story, but if there is no reason for them to be invloved then they aren't.

As I said before Twilight isn't found of him and he doesn't like her too.
He doesn't like Celestia and Twalot practically worships her. She has magic autism while Anon isn't keen on sharing his knowldge with someone he doesn't trust, and is very touchy about his privacy.
She believes that it's Anon's fault that Dash doesn't like her and see him as a reason while elements aren't united (she's right here).
She came from Canterlot and in many ways her ideals are similar to ideals of other nobleponies. etc.

AJ doesn't trust him one bit, as I said before nad has reasons to do it cause he hides a lot of stuff. On the other hand her family gained a lot of money thanks to dealing with him and Big Mac is his friends so she isn't openly hostile.

Ponk is just Ponk, yeah Anon interacts with her but on the same level as with any other pony, also with growth of Ponyville she has a lot of other ponies so devote her time to.

FS and Rarity are rather ambvivalent towards him. I don't see reasons for him to interact with them much aside from maybe buying some gems from Rarity or asking her to repair his clothes. But for him they are just another pair of ponies in Ponyville untill they became elements.

You need to remember that he lived in Ponyville for months before show starts. For regular ponies he is just a respected member of community.
He created militia and while at first a lot of folks were distrusfull towards it after some time they warmed up, especially considering that it wan't stricted fighting force but they also healped during bad weather, fires etc. And then there are ponies who are in militia, his circle of friends, ponies who work for him etc.

911f9 No.179061

File: 1539703133100.png (306.7 KB, 496x406, AyeFairEnough.png)

Fair enough. I think it's better to keep the story from being over-cluttered. It gives more time for introspection within major characters such as Anon, RD and Celestia.

It also sounds like AJ has the same sort of relationship with the protagonist that she has in A Very Happy and Sunny Life.

f0f6c No.179210

I have yet to read it but it seems interesting when I get the time I will.
Thanks, again I will keep that in mind.
If you are still around Glim then I want to reassure you that your words did not fall on deaf ear and that I also will at some point post my thoughts about it.
Have someone archived these threads in some way? There is some really useful writing advice in there that we can use in this thread. Otherwise, I will try to do it. I am not the most skilled person with a computer so that is why I asked if someone else had done it already.
This thread is also a thread you should check out if you haven't since it also contains useful advice.
Also, I might make a rebuttal for this one.

f0f6c No.179214

Something I cooked up. I thought about the fact that the last writefag thread op specificly asked the anons' to post prompts about ocs. The idea was that we would generate an oc so wellliked that is got its own thread. A lot of anons misundertood this, somehow, evidently thought that it were story premises that op wanted not ocs. Not that I was any different since I also ignored op at the time.

Anyway, here is a story about an oc. Joke Jinx.

>In my nightmare I dreamed about the day that I found myself waking up to with a jerk. Weirdly enough, my mother was in my room and was on her way to wake me.

”Good that your awake sweety. I have finished breakfast downstairs. Come down when you are done,” the cyan blue mare with purple mane said before she took the spiral staircase down from the attic.
>My mom had apparently not noticed the state I was in as she left me. My back was glued to wrinkled sheets as they were soaked in sweat. My breathing was rapid and shallow. My mane was disheveled and my facial expression was that of dread.
>I slapped myself across the face. It hurt.
”It will all be fine. I got this.” I mumbled and hoped.
>I put on a brave face and with some determination tossed the covers aside. I trotted over to the bathroom.
>When I was finished in the bathroom, I went downstairs and joined my parents at the dining table.
>Standing on three-legged trivet was a kettle with carrot soup which wonderful aroma reached my nostrils and compelled me to levitated a ladle of it to my bowl.
>After breakfast and a reprimanded by my dad for carelessly levitating a full ladle of soup across the dining table, I gathered my newly purchased books and placed them into my also new saddlebags.

d8518 No.179224

Opening a Fallout fic with "War has changed".
Also >>170686 is a fagget

f0f6c No.179405

Now I am trying to make this into a scene.

>Sunset left Captain Celaeno, who was glad their conversation was over, for the door she had picked out.

>The door was knocked and response telling her to enter was heard from the other side.
>The door was swept to the side revealing a room with bookcases to each side of the door, a slightly open door leading to an adjacent room that was covered in darkness and at the other end of the room stood a desk. At the desk at the doctor that she was looking for.
>The dusk night sky that could be seen through the windows behind him made him stand out even more. The stearine candlelight flickered as to shut the book he was reading.
”I suppose that you are here to discuss our bargain,” said the doctor as he directed his gaze towards Sunset.
>The door was closed behind Sunset by one of her hind legs.
”Yes, and I like to be given that part of my payment that was upfront now if you would?” asked Sunset, not really asking, as she walked further into the room.
>As she passed the door to the adjacent door, she looked through the crack in the slightly opened door. The light from the room she was in fell in through the crack and cut through the darkness with clear contrast. The light showed that there was a pegasus mare with two foals laying on a bed inside the room. Sunset noticed them but didn't linger.
”Of course. Let me get it.” Caballeron began digging in a drawer in the desk.
”Anyway, you are quite lucky that I was free this week.” Sunset wore a mischievous smile.
>This made Caballeron chuckle a bit.
”I see so it had nothing to do with the payment.”
>After scooping up the big bag he got from Scruti up from the drawer and onto the table, Caballeron proceeded to untie the bag and carefully pour out about the right amount of badland shells that piled up on the table.

8c302 No.179413

File: 1539894439237.png (326.11 KB, 531x618, _smokey Says RESIST.png)

may as well repost this here

>be smokey the bear

>Be 2020
>Be the 9th Forrest fire this month
>head into a large city
>see a sign "Welcome to San Francisco"
>heads into a store
>see a TV
>"this is an emergency alert please evacuate the fire is headed your way!. Black block Peaceful protesters set a fire because of trump."
>flees to another city
>heads to the center of town
>finds a group of people
>gives a impassioned speech,on nature and its beauty
>gets pelted with bottles and bricks
>gets called a "Fascist,and a bigot"
>run off into a Forrest
>one of them throws a Molotov at me
>the Forrest is on fire
>runs past a "man" with a fur suit mask on his head raping a dog on the edge of the forest
>anger burns within me as i see this
>something snaps
>swipes him with my bear claws
>flees deeper into the Forrest
>be later that night
>Jewgles fascist
>1st result
>be 2025
>has taken up the swastika to help the whites fight the brown hordes
>be Leader of Death Squad 1488
>get sent on a mission to take out some local (((leadership)))
>get to a dark snow covered Forrest
>kill your way through the low level negroid and mestizo npcs
>get to the cabin hes at
>make it to the (((leadership)))
>See a chair facing the window
>walk up to the chair
>turn it around
>Oh Shit its Burnt corpse
>corpse starts beeping
>"oh shit!"
>dives into the hallway as the room is engulfed in flames
>has to flee the house as the fire is quickly spreading
>lose more than half your team in the resulting Forrest fire

f0f6c No.179704

[Insert description for this badland currency]
>He dragged shells along the desk with his hoof with quick motions, separating them from the pile and counting them at the same time.
>He felt a flat and cold surface underneath his chin that directed his view away from the money on the table and instead at the stupefied look of the mercenary leader. She nodded at him and smiled gleefully. A blank machete that reflected the surrounding candle lights with weird symbols engraved along the flat surface of the blade, which was currently under his chin. A teal but transparent mist wavered about the handle of it.
”Woah. My intel told me that you this experienced badland veteran but this is just ridiculous naivety.” She pointed at the big bag of shells on the desk. ”It's like you're asking to get robbed.”
>As fast as the fear and surprised had come for Caballeron it was replaced by calmness and boredom.
”I had heard that you were trustable.”
>Sunset took his bored look as a sign that he had given up.
”Yes, we are. To those who aren't complete naive fools.”

f0f6c No.179713

Glad you did. Although, jokes probably fly over mmy head since I lack background knowledge about Smokey.

f0f6c No.179968

>The shells on the table hovered up and placed themselves in the bag. The bag was strung closed by the strings and flew over to Sunset's hoof. It looked like they were carried by teal cloud.
>Grapping the bag, she began to back towards the door.
>A sadistic smiled had appeared on her face and she couldn't hold back her jab that was on her tongue.
”It has been a pleasure doing business with you, doctor. I hope you will hire us again sometime.”
>Her quib had the reverse effect from the one Sunset had hoped. Instead of being angry he merely snickered. This made her stop.
”There is something you should know before you go, Sunset,” said the doctor.
”And what is that?” said Sunset, a bit uncertain now that she had noticed how calm he was.
”This mission is not something I came up with. I am just working under someone else.”
”So I told my boss, whose payment for this job is what you are currently holding, that I would hire your mercenary band.”
>Sunset's temporary insecurity was replaced with a mirthful smile.
”He, do you not know who you are talking to? I practically own this town. Whoever your boss is he-”
”I am working for Scruti.”
”Wha…” With a cautious and scrutinizing look, she tried to figure out if he was bluffing or not. ”No. You are lying.”
”Am I? If only I had proof mmh.”
>He wedges his hoof under his tan scarf That I wrote about before. This is what is called foreshadowing done right. and pry it off. As the scarf fell off, it revealed his bare neck and a sore patch of it where a tattoo was drawn.
>Sunset's eyes recognized it immediately. It was the stylized griffin symbol that represented R.I.G.A.

f0f6c No.179970

>The spoiler is joke

f0f6c No.180262

> Teeth were clenched so hard that it made a loud knock, which was made by a mad Sunset. If looks could kill, then Caballeron would have been dead.
”You motherbuckerRemember this one?. You tricked me!”
”And you tried to steal from me. So I consider us even.”
>Sunset stood there glaring at the doctor for a while before she begrudgingly gave in, said: ”Fine.” and threw her bag over to Caballeron.
>Cathing it and pouring out some shells on the table again, he began to count them again to see that Sunset got the amount that he had promised.
>Sunset stepped up to the desk.
”Nonono, no. If I have to work for someone like Scruti, then I want extra pay for the pressure I have to put up with.”
>Caballeron's inspecting gaze meet Sunset's hardened one.
”Sure. I will double your pay but that is it.”
>Sunset nodded in approval and reach out a hoof.
>They shook hooves.
>When the bag of money that contained Sunset's pay was done, Caballeron had expected her to leave, however, while he had counted the shells, she had been inspecting the map he had on his desk, now her focus was not on the money but on the map.
>Caballerson had scribbled in travel routes and comments on the map over the badlands region that the map visualized.
>For an example had he added a comment in red ink encapsulated by a bubble of the same color that also encapsulated the Seagull port, which read: ”Daring n' guide is here.” in small writing.
>He had also drawn two potential routes of travel for the duo from Seagull to Fangwood. One was drawn in the same red ink as before. It had also written next to it in that red color the words: ”Most likely.”
>The The second route was drawn in a yellow ink and had the words ”Second m l,” and ”If they get airship,” next to it in yellow.
>This line was completely straight to Fangwood from Seagull while the red one was more sinuous that took, what looked like from birds-eye-view, major detours to get to the goal.
>One each of these lines he had even written down the approximate distance they would have reach for each day depending on route. As an example, if one followed the red-colored route, it would be indicated which coordinates on the map you were by the end of the first day, in this case, you would be just outside of the port in the desert.

8c302 No.180272

thanks, i didn't put any smokey related jokes in.
Good stuff, Sven.

f0f6c No.180678

>From Klugetown to Fangwood were there another line drawn. This one in black and was like the yellow one clearly written by the aid of a ruler since it was completely straight. It represented the path they would take with their airship. The time stamps on this line, like the yellow line, was further between than the ones on the red one.
>Sunset pointed at Fangwood.
”So I'm guessing you know this do to R.I.G.A's intel?”
>Sunset didn't look at him with and any anger anymore. It had been replaced with a gaze that Caballeron interpreted as down to business look.
”Yes, you are allowed to know about it if you want to. It is no secret that Seagull port has a lot of R.I.G.A spies after all,” Caballeron said.
”Spare me the details.”
>Caballeron nodded.
”Daring was first sighted this morning exiting a pub in the market district called the Flagon Wagon being carried out in a rush by a bipedal green creature. The R.I.G.A spy who had followed the green creature there wasn't ready for the rush and lost sight of them.”
>With had hoof held up to her mouth sunset looked like she pondered what Caballeron had said. She did but only partially most of her attention had been shifted from Daring's whereabouts when Caballeron had mentioned the R.I.G.A spy. When Caballeron had mentioned the spy he spoke the words: ”The R.I.G.A spy,” instead of saying: ”Our local spy,” or something similar. That he didn't seem to feel any camaraderie with his fellow R.I.G.A members. This combined with the fact that his tattoo looked new and the area on his neck around it was still sore suggested to Sunset that Caballeron was new members to R.I.G.A. However, it didn't seem likely that Caballeron would be given this amount of finical support for this mission and work so independently if they didn't trust him. Perhaps he was a really big deal in R.I.G.A, perhaps not. She decided she would think about it later.

f0f6c No.180680

>”So I'm guessing you know this do to R.I.G.A's intel?”
Due to.

8127a No.180719

File: 1540341676858-0.jpg (265 KB, 1200x789, namibia10_1200px.jpg)

>It took a good deal of effort on Anon's part to keep his palm from impacting his face; he had expected some kind of griffon higher-up to be involved in this situation given the high number of R.G.I.A. plants he just dealt with, but having said higher-up be Scruti was about as bad as it got.
>""Scruti?" Daring inquires off-hoovedly. "Never heard of anypony like that before."
"There's a good reason for that," Anon intones, seriousness finally beginning to creep into his voice. "Unfortunately, it's not the good kind of reason."
>"Whatever. Look, thanks for the whole save and all that, but I don't need you--"
"This particular catbird is one nasty piece of work, Dares."
>"Can't be any nastier than Ahuizotl."
"Oh, so Ahuizotl heads the R.G.I.A., tortures halfsies into obedience, packs one hell of an intelligence network, and just so happens to have his eyes set on you and those pretty little scrolls of yours?"
>Daring's unamused frown began to twist into an uncertain frown.
"Only reason I've gotten away with tangling with his goons so long is because he thinks random-ass humans are as dumb as halfsies. Even then, I wouldn't call it permanent cover, you feel?"
>"Why the hay would somepony--"
"Somegriffon," Anon winks, "You filthy racist."
>Daring might have avoided grumbling, but she certainly didn't avoid scrunching her muzzle in annoyance.
>"Why would somegriffon like that want these stupid scrolls that badly?"
"You know, I'd like to know that myself."
>"Just so we're clear, you're not getting them. End of story."
"Just so we're clear, you're not leaving without me. In fact, I think I'll be taking the lead from here. See, there's this friend of mine--"
>"Oh, taking the lead, huh? Listen, tailhole, I don't follow anypony's lead! And definitely not the lead of somehuman as annoying as--"
"Knowing him, he's probably planned every which route out of this place you'll end up taking. That or he actually trusted some lackey's tracking skills for once."
>"S-so what?"
"Well, once his toadies figure out where you're going by your lonesome, they'll black-bag you, drag you over to his command post, and you'll be treated to the five-star Griffonstone interrogation treatment, just for daring to fuck with their royalty."
"See, your Ahuizotl, or uh… what was the other guy's name, Cape O'Reilly or something--"
>"Don't bring him up again," she growls.
"Just Ahuizotl then. See, he'd just chain you to a slab of stone and be happy watching you sink into some sand or something. Now, Scruti and his catbird cohorts are more into the whole 'removing your hoof wall and poking the exposed tissue with electric needles' kind of experience, you dig?"
>Just as he expected, she cringes back at the description, clutching her hoof to her chest.
"I mean, they do similar shit to keep their halfsie muscle in line. So hey, if you wanna deal with that, be my guest. But I'm not letting you check into the hotel Griffonstone with those scrolls on you. And since I can tell you'd prefer a hotel reservation somewhere else, well…"
>"Damn it," she grumbles.
"Lucky for you, I've got a great little spot lined up! A little out of the way on one of the routes outta here, but a good friend of mine is in charge of the joint. So, y'know, perfect place to chillax for a night, maybe check out what's in those little bundles of parchment you've got. Whaddya say?"
>"I suppose I don't have much choice, do I?"
"Hey, if you're into the electric needle thing, I'm not gonna judge--"
>"Guuhhh!" she shudders. "Don't talk about that!"
"It's worse to watch, believe you-me."
>"Fine, damn it, fine! Will you leave me alone after I show you what's in these dumb things?"
"Only if they're full of innocent gossip."
>But if they were being pursued by Scruti's crew, Anon knew they couldn't hold anything remotely innocent: the only question was how bad the dirt in those scrolls was, that he'd be the one pursuing them.
>"Ugh, fine! Where's your dumb… wherever you're taking me?"
"What, the hotel? Oh, just stick close by, hotness. We'll be there in an hour or two."
>"Let's get something else straightened out, 'Agent' Anon. If you ever kiss me again, I'll do way worse than smack you, got it?"
"Fair, fair, that may have been a little too fast. Would you settle for hoof-holding?"
>"Wh-what is wrong with you…?"
"Y'know, every lady I meet keeps asking me that after a while. Never figured out why…"
>"Oh, whatever! Just get moving already!"
>And thus, Anon led Daring through Seagull Horn proper, eventually exiting through one of the gates leading out of the port town and beginning their trek into the desert.
>The journey quickly took an unexpected detour for Daring: Anon decided to stride off the path and down into the sand dunes themselves, something she initially viewed as insane until he pointed out the vague, hidden trail just beneath the tops of the dunes.
>Left with little choice but to follow, she does so in relative silence, allowing Anon to collect his thoughts.
>With any luck, he'd be at his good friend's hideout in no time flat, but unfortunately, he'd definitely have to call this one in to Tempest given the involvement of the R.G.I.A.
>He decides against calling in right away however, saving that for after he pores through those scrolls proper: after all, he might have to make multiple calls, depending on what he'll find.
>"Are you sure you're going the right way? It's been two hours now!"
"Perfect! Thanks for keeping the time for me, Dares!"
>He continues to stride towards a particularly tall and steep sand dune.
>"Who the hay is crazy enough to build out here, anyways?!"
"I'll show you!"

8127a No.180720

File: 1540341725829.png (112.95 KB, 509x244, boltcaster.png)

>Once Anon walks up to the dune's steep sand 'wall', he reaches out with his hand, as if to knock on it.
>Daring's incredulity at his clear descent into insanity soon turned into disbelief when she heard the sound of metal being knocked on, Anon's hand rapping against the now clearly false wall of sand.
>He knocks out a musical pattern of some kind, and moments after he steps back, part of the false sand wall slides inwards and hinges back, revealing a secret doorway.
>"Wh-whaaaaaa…?! H-how did--?!"
"Dominion of Man, hotness. The Dominion of Man's crazy enough to build an outpost out here. Well, they were also smart enough to abandon it, so there's that."
>"D-Dominion? B-but, aren't they--"
"At war with Equestria? Yeah, but this is the Badlands, and like I said, it's abandoned. I told you, real good friend of mine lives here now!"
"Questions later, Dares. Sandstorm generator's about to kick on in, oh, ten seconds."
>That was all the encouragement she needed to hurry inside, Anon entering at a similar pace.
>The doors shut behind them just as a loud, sudden gust of wind kicks up from behind, blowing a plume of sand through the small crack for a brief moment.
>The dim red lights above quickly give way to bright white lights, showing the decommissioned Dominion facility's very welcoming entrance in all it's glory.
>Welcoming, in this case, being a wall of auto-crossbow nests trained on the pair of them.
>Out from behind the nests, however, waddles out an older human woman, a kindly smile on her face as she makes her way towards the two of them.
>Anon's smile grows as he lays eyes on the old woman.
>Once she's within a few feet of the two, she procures a strange device shaped like a microphone, and presses it to her throat: a throat that Daring only just realized had a hole in it.
>Then, she began to speak.
>"Mmnnnnnn why if it isn't little ole Nonny!"
>That was the first time Daring ever heard the distinctive, robotic, inflectionless voice of a mechanical larynx in action, and if she were being honest with herself, it was one of the more unnerving things she'd both seen and heard: a sentiment not shared by Anon, who moves up to hug the old lady without skipping a beat.
"Great to see ya again, Gran!"
>"Mmnnnnnn it's been so long! Three months by my count!"
"Yeah, sorry about that. Duty calls and all that, y'know?"
>"Mmnnnnnn that why you brought that cute little pony?"
>"Hey, who're you calling cute?!"
"Do you see any other cute ponies here, Dares? C'mon."
>"Oh my gosh I'm going to hang you," Daring grumbles to herself.
>Her grumbling doesn't last long upon hearing the old woman's attempt to laugh through the mechanical larynx: short, robotic noises more akin to coughing than they were laughing, the only thing giving it away as laughter being her facial expression.
"But sadly, yes, this is a business appointment, Gran."
>"Mmnnnnnn who'd you tick off this time, Nonny?"
"Only the top brass of the R.G.I.A."
>"Mmnnnnnn first the Dominion's Spectres, now the R.G.I.A.?"
"I never claimed to be smart, Gran. Only clever!"
>More of that unnerving laughter filtered through this "Gran"'s mechanical larynx.
>"Mmnnnnnn room for two, then?"
"You know it!"
>"Hey, wait a minute! What do you mean, 'room for two'?!"
"What else would I mean, Dares?"
>"Ohmygosh, are you kidding me?! First you try and kiss me, now you're trying to sleep with me?!"
"I wasn't going to, but that is a great idea! There's even this nice restaurant here we can--"
>Both humans in attendance shared a laugh at Daring's expense, the red-faced orange pegasus getting even more ruffled up for the trouble.
"But seriously," Anon interjects, his laughter stopping on a dime. "It's just so we can watch each other's backs. Never know, even out here."
>"Mmnnnnnn he's not wrong, plenty of shady folks hide out here. Mmnnnnnn we keep the peace most times, but nothing's better than good old fashioned teamwork."
"This I can attest to. By-the-by, what happened to that one shitlizard who tried to kill me here?"
>"Mmnnnnnn dog food."
>"Okay, that's quite enough of that! Look, can we just get on with this already?!"
>"Mmnnnnnn fair enough. Nonny here's always been a big ole teaser."
"The best of the best."
>"Mmnnnnnn one other thing, Nonny. Mmnnnnnn who's tab is this going on?"
"No tab this time, Gran, just cash upfront. Just as long as I get my receipt, y'dig?"
>Even in the S.M.I.L.E. agent world, filing expenses was still a thing, even with their generous paychecks and mission stipends.
>"Mmnnnnnn wonderful. Follow me, you two."
>The old lady takes the lead this time, Anon and Daring passing by the auto-crossbow nests manned by humans and the occasional kirin, each of them offering waves and smiles to Anon as he passes by.
>The group enters into a big hotel lobby that was clearly repurposed from some kind of old military base, a large sign reading "The Cloak & Dagger" hanging above the combination reception desk and armoury.
>Members of every race milled around the lobby and went through the hallways going about their business, but the staff and guards were predominately humans and kirins, the guards with boltcasters and flameproof armour respectively. Of note was the occasional pack of diamond dogs in mining gear, rushing down the hallways carrying various items around.
"This, Dares, is the best place for underworld players to unplug and relax. Well, as best as big criminal types and secret agents can unplug in the field, anyways. Sadly, it's not off Scruti's radar, but it'll take him a day or two to figure out we're here."
>"Mmnnnnnn you didn't tell me he was the guy on your ass, Nonny."
"Well, I did say top brass."
>"Mmnnnnnn fine, guess that means you won't be staying long."

8127a No.180721

File: 1540341822666-0.jpg (102.36 KB, 638x972, Spectre_SC2_Head1.jpg)

"Hey, I'm doing the best with what I've got here! Oh, by-the-by, how're the comm lines holding up?"
>"Mmnnnnnn all working last I checked. Now get over here and register already."
>The book is filled out, and Daring's eyes bug out at the two, three, four, five thousand shells that Anon pays out, receiving a little receipt and a pair of triple-headed keys in return, labels reading '419' dangling off of them.
>After waving to this 'Gran' and promising to speak to her later, Anon takes Daring towards a rickety old lever-operated elevator, where he works his way up to the fourth floor, passing Daring her key while he was at it.
>"Ffffffive thousand shells, are you serious?!"
"Twenty-five hundred per head a night, Dares. No parties, either."
>"Sheesh, what are the rooms made out of, solid gold?!"
"Close. Try the best sensory and magical insulators money can buy. Even with the diamond dogs chipping away at the mines here, they've gotta pay for that shit somehow."
>"They better be clean."
"Hey, underworld honchos pride themselves on cleanliness!"
>Room 419 is reached, and Anon wastes no time in throwing the door open and stepping in, Daring following suit and shutting the door behind her.
>Indeed, the room was very clean, and way more spacious than she expected a two-bedroom hotel room to be, and while not as lavish as she thought, it was clear that there was lots of work put into making this place as private as possible, the wallpaper itself having magical runes for silencing the outside world worked into their flowing designs.
"Word of advice, don't touch the liquor cabinet. They charge out the nose for the privilege."
>That only helped to sour Daring's mood, given that she was in the middle of reaching for said cabinet.
>"I'm not sure I wanna know."
"Three hundred shells for that bottle of Minos gin you were eyeing up. Per sixth of the bottle."
>"Excuse me, what the buck?!"
"Hey, you know anyone who'd be crazy enough to ship booze out here? Under that kind of secrecy, too? Honestly, it's a small miracle the cabinets are kept this stocked in all the rooms!"
>"All right, I get the idea!"
"Glad I could help," Anon winks her way. "Now how about those scrolls?"
>For the first time since their meeting, she takes her cloak off completely, throwing it aside.
>Daring keeps her eyes fixed on Anon, observing for any sudden movements; Anon keeps his eyes fixed on her for an entirely different reason, looking over her lithe form with undisguised interest.
>She snorts her annoyance, but says nothing as she slides off the previously covered saddlebags, exposing more of herself for Anon's viewing interest.
>"Enjoying yourself there, tailhole?"
"Ever so slightly less now."
"Seriously, I oughta crucify the sick bastard who decided to blemish that fine posterior of yours with that scar."
>It's the mention of the scar that finally causes her to spread her wings to cover herself from his gaze.
>"Th-that's what you were looking at?!"
"Yes, your butt. Fantastic fat-to-muscle ratio, by the way. All that temple raiding really shows!"
>"I swear, I'm this close to kicking your teeth in!"
"Scar looks kinda ripped up, though. Serrated blade or a spinning saw, if I had to guess. My money's on saw. Get caught in a trap for a split second, huh?"
>Daring looses a groan almost akin to a howl, before nearly tearing the saddlebags open and throwing a metal cylinder from inside at him, which he catches with practiced ease.
>"There! There's your dumb scroll!"
"Sweet! Let's get reading!"
>Flopping onto his own bed like a teenager chatting a lover over the phone, he gingerly pops the lid on the cylinder that reads 'GRAS-RDL-112-114'.
"Man, you snagged the R&D logs from the royal researchers? No wonder that feathery almost-cyclops wants you!"
>"When this is over, I'm filing a restraining order."
"Hah, restraining orders in the Badlands! Ahh, good one, Dares!"
>She only offers an angry snort before flying to her own bed, two other scroll cylinders in her possession.
>Anon meanwhile was busy scanning through the contents of the first scroll of three, a scroll about the Griffonstone Royal Academy of Science's 112th R&D log for the royal family.
>It appeared to be their attempts at creating a cure for impotence, something that was considered a failure when it didn't work on the king.
>Log 113 was their attempts to recreate Dominion boltcasters without steel, another failure thanks to a lack of a suitable replacement metal.
>But it was log 114 that caused his smile to vanish, his mirth to freeze, and his demeanour to shift to seriousness.
"Holy shit," he murmurs, sliding the scrolls back into their home. "The mad bastards actually did it."
>"What, find a way to shut you up?"
>The cap goes back on the cylinder, and he throws it over to Daring's bed while he stands back up and strides towards the door.
>"Hey, what are you--?"
"Stay here."
>He doesn't wait for her response, all but slamming the door behind him as he makes his way back to the elevator, descending back to the main floor.
>"Mmnnnnnn back already, Nonny?" Gran monotonically chirps from behind the reception desk.
"I've got some calls to make, Gran."
>"Mmnnnnnn your friend on the airship, right?"
"Not this time. I need to get a hold of Spectre command."
>Gran's expression turns grave.
>"Mmnnnnnn what happened?"
"Worst possible thing, that's what."
>Wordlessly, she brings him behind the desk towards the telepresence booth, where she dials it in.
>"Operative," the booth booms in a deep, commanding, and all-too-familiar voice for Anon, "Code and rationale."
"Still using codes, colonel?"
>Deathly silence reigns for several moments.
>"You've got some nerve, traitor," Incognito all but snarled down the line.
"I'm not playing he-betrayed-she-betrayed with you today, Nito."

8127a No.180722

I swear I'm not normally this productive. Inspiration is a fickle mistress!

f0f6c No.180895

>Sunset pointed at Fangwood.
Should be Seagull horn port since that's where the text: "Daring n' guide is here" is.
Good to see you again fam. I really like what you wrote. I will tell you what I like about it
I'm reading it now. I don't know when I will finish. So far I say that it has a slow opening that seems kind of pointless(keep in mind that I have not read through the whole thing). I didn't get hook by it. However, I did chuckle a couple of times. Him using sunglasses in the middle of the night and Flip Ferrari's personality in general is kind of quirky.

f0f6c No.180979

>Caballleron look for a response from Sunset. When he didn't get it, he continued.
”I assume that she is still on the move.” He turned to the window. ”Or rather settled somewhere for the night by now. Otherwise, Scruti would have called this mission off by now.”
>Nodding, Sunset followed the lines to Fangwood with her eyes.
”Okay, it is time that you explained. In your letter, you said that you wanted to hire me to steal some important and valuable documents from the famous adventurer Daring Do. And now I have learned that it is actually R.G.I.A who wants the documents and that I will steal them for them. I get that.
>Turning his attention back to her, Caballeron listen intently to her and nodded every time she finished her statements as to confirm that they were true.
”What I don't get, however, is why Daring would try to move to Fangwood in the first place? Does she have a buyer in Fangwood? Or what?”
”No, I believe that she is trying to cross the border to Equestria. To bring these documents to the princess,” said Caballeron.
>Sunset look at nothing particular. She was deep in thought.
”Then why does R.G.I.A know about them?… Oh, because she stole them from them. Right?”
>Caballeron looked a bit unnerved by how quick she caught on.
”Yes, that is correct. They are top secrets that belong to the king of Griffinstone.”
”So what is in these documents. Wait, on second thought. If Scruti is involved, then I rather be kept in the dark.”
>Sunset said the last part in a bit of hurry but at the end of it in her mind, she said: Atleast for now.
>Something melancholic came upon Caballeron's expression.
”It is my personal belief Sunset that ponies that live in Equestria have most of there thoughts on Equestria. No matter if we were born here or moved here, we all know where we are from. In this land, where everyone around us are unlike us, our minds seem to drift to the place where we actually belong.”
>Sunset gave him a look that said: Where are you going with this?”
”My question is what is your relationship with Equestria.”
A bit annoyed, Sunset huffed.
”I don't see why that's any of your business or relevant.”
>His hooves were put up in front of him as he waved them to alleviated the tension.
”I just want to make sure that you don't feel any sense of patriotic loyalty towards the motherland. After all, if Daring is working for the Princess, then that makes us both traitors. I just want to make sure that you are ready for that.”
>Sunset rolled her eyes.
”Well, if I wasn't, then there wouldn't be much that I could do about it. I have to do this after all.
”Well, true. But I just wanted to be on the safe side.”
”Fuck Equestria! Fuck Celestia!”
[i]Well, then I don't have to worry about that then,
thought Caballeron as he made a goofy grin. Sidenote: Don't ask her about Equestria. The little lady has quite the temperament, not unlike another little lady I know.
>Sunset wasn't too thrilled about the grin on Caballeron's face. To her, it looked condescending. She was not the one that had acted wrongly.
Being a little indignant when somepony asks questions about things that are none of his concern was a normal reaction, she thought. Acting as if he knew me.
>A question she was going to ask earlier but forgot to came to mind.
”By the way, you said that you believe Daring is going to bring these papers to Celestia but what do you base this on? Do you know her?”
>Caballeron hesitated for a moment before he answered.
”No. I just thought it would make sense for her. Her persona of being an adventurer that finds lost artifacts and brings them to museums is well known. I just thought that this would be more like something she would do than her selling these files to the highest bidder. That's all.”
>Caballeron congratulated himself for being able to say that without stuttering.
This filly is sharp both in claws and in her head. I got to be careful what I say around her.
>Sunset seemed to agree with his assessment.

f0f6c No.180980

>She looked back to the map and viewed the yellow one especially.
”The yellow is if she takes an airship to Fangwood?”
”Yes, but that route is the most unlikely one of them all. Scruti's peons have by now shut down all outgoing airship traffic. No doubt about it.”
>Sunset dragged her hoof along the yellow line from Seagull Horn port to Fangwood.
”Am I understanding this correctly? With an airship, it is only one whole day, a twenty-four hours journey, to Fangwood from Seagull horn port.”
”Tha's right. Airships take the shortest route, travel both day and night and travel at least three times faster than what you do one hoof. If she happens to seize one, then we will need to change our plans in to: ”Get out!” Because we will never be able to catch up and then we will have Scruti on our necks.”
>Both of them hung over the map now.
”Why does the frequency of the timestamps say that it takes three days to move through the desert from the port to the jungle and the same amount of days to move through the jungle when the jungle is not even a third of the distance one travels through the desert? Is it really the terrain?”
>A sly smile crept onto Caballeron's lips.
”No, it is not the terrain. You are right.” Sunset mouth contorted into a satisfied smug smile when he heard those words. ”It is because a cult leader Ahuizotl has his base in the nearby temple. Namely the nearby ancient temple of AeyrThanks, https://www.fantasynamegenerators.com/temple-names.php. If they want to get passed there, they will have to move slowly as to not get discovered,” Caballeron answered.
>Sunset's eyes followed the red line and but stopped twice in short intervale. She was surprised by what she saw.
”Whoa, what is this. It takes a whole day to walk through Fangwood. That's just a small city,” said Sunset.
”It takes time to pass through due to the proxy war that is going on there. The deers that populate the city are divided into many different factions that tires to take control over the city. The two major ones are those allied with Griffinstone and Equestria. You have to know your way around. One day might actually be a bit of a pessimistic assumption but I rather be on the safe than sorry,” explained Caballeron.
>Shifting her focus back and forth between the different destinations and the lines, Sunset came to a conclusion.
”Drawings tells me that you have estimated our arrival to be in four days and theirs to be in seven.”
”Yes, even though we travel much greater distance. We will get there before them since we are in an airship,” said Caballeron. Going on about his airships again like some kind of sellspony. ”Also, we want to get there as quick as possible to make it impossible for her to cross the border there. It will be much harder for her to pass the border elsewhere since Fangwood is closest.
>Sunset nodded.
”I hired this ship and crew for this trip because I knew that the captain recently installed a phone and an antenna on this ship. We will be able to utilize R.G.I.A's intelligence network and as fast as we know where she is we will move to apprehend her. Getting to Fangwood is just our first move.”
>By the mention of the captain, Sunset raised her head and looked out of the window. Outside, she saw the harbor in all its full glory but not because of the light of the sun but because of the illumination of the lanterns.
>Her tongue clicked.
”That featherbrain! We haven't left yet,” she exclaimed.
Surprised, Caballeron turned around and looked outside the window as well.
”Yeah, you are right,” he said. Stunned by how this could have gone unnoticed by him.
>Sunset stomped her hooves on the floor and walked with haste over to the door.
”I will give that lazy chicken a piece of my mind. Do I need to die just because you are snoozing on the job,” she grumbled.
”Tell her to fly above the clouds layer as not to disclose our travel direction.”
”Will do,” Sunset said before she slammed the door shut.
>Cringing due to the sound it made, Caballeron hope it hadn't woken up the rest of his family.

f0f6c No.180981

Nest i will fill in the gap between this >>173814 and this >>176832
After that this section will become coherent. Yippey!
The gap is just a minor heated argument between Sunset and Tempest. It is only there to establish that 1) Sunset is a magic powerhouse 2) Sunset's group (The Sun's rays) and Tempest group are revivals and enemies and have their disagreements.
>”Daring was first sighted this morning
It should be "last" instead of "first".

02ac0 No.181009

Cool, thank you for your interest. If you don't like it that's okay, I'm interested in hearing your notes either way. Feel free to be as vicious as you like, I can take the criticism. This particular book is sort of a meme-tier work but I genuinely want to improve.

01792 No.181068

I will gladly review it but it will have to wait until I have time.
Also, take my criticism with a grain of salt. I have never written anything even remotely as long as your story even in my own langauge.
But that is kind of what I like about this thread. It is peers helping eachother and it doesn't have to be good (refering to my own stories).
I liked your november thread btw. I have some thoughts about it and this thread. They are a bit much to write on a phone so I will write them when I get back home again.
But they come down to a question: Do you want to join leafy and me in our writting chain? Leafy obviously has to be okay with it first.
If he is and you feel up for it, then you can can add something to the story or you can write the scene that I have not yet written. That I talk about here >>180981
Anyway, I think writting is more enjoyable when you do it with others. Just pay attention to already established things in the story.

9a786 No.181534

”Are you ready, miss Toss?” shouted Spitfire who wore her medal adorned captains' uniform with her campaign hat and sunglasses.
>An brown-orange earth pony with a darker brown-red mane looked over the thick rectangular metal bar that held her body pressed against what she felt was the cold metal of the cogwheel behind her.
>She checked so that her goggles sat tight against her skull.
>With a determined look, she nodded.
”Yes, ma'am.”
>Spitefire made a motion like a karate chop into the air with her hoof but slower.
>The large spiral patterned surface that was the dizzytron's wheel came to life by the push of a button. Operating the machine was another examinator pegasus. The lever for the wheel's spinning speed was slowly but surely reaching its maximum position.
>On the surface of the dizzytorn's surface where that earth pony that was held in place between the metal bar and the cogwheel. In a circle, motion spun she on the dizzytorn's wheel about the center. Meanwhile, she was spun around in place by the cogwheel in the opposite direction.
>She kept her eyes open even if the what she saw made her sick to her stomach. Orders had been given to her about not closing them no matter what. This was part of her training after all.
>Looking straight ahead was a weird experience though. In the beginning, she had been able to know when she was opposite down and when she was not by simply using what was in her field of vision as reference points. Now, when she spun so fast she couldn't determine whether she was upside down or not by either reference points or by the feeling of gravity.
>As she wasn't any longer so focused nor clear in her head from all the dizziness she wasn't too sure about it or maybe it was because she simply couldn't comprehend what she saw before she was watching something new but she began to think that the world around her blurred together into one image.

9a786 No.181565

So King Arthur Battle Brit I intend to begin my review. I have yet to read much of it but I will with time.
The position of a critic is way easier than the position of a writer. Take everything I say as advice and suggestions and always remember, ”I am not qualified to analyze anything.”-DWK.
The first thing you see when you open the pdf is the cover. I like that you took the effort to make it and there are things that you can enjoy about it. First is the obvious meme material it contains: Starlight's boop pose, your OC created by the pony generator, the text about autism that kind of reminds you of the daring do books (Jungle of terror) cover's text snippets, John Elway as a qt mark and of course Silver Star. But it also foreshadows what I will assume completely unaware of if this is true or not (Since I have only read up to the point were FF takes over PP party and wakes up the next morning) is the main conflict of this story. The fact that there is a contrast between Silver Star and Flip Ferrari. The one difference you can see from the cover art is that Silver wears a fancy costume while Flip has a bushy unkempt mane with sunglasses.
This is mere speculation at this point, and probably a bit of projection on my part, partly because I want you to take this route. I really like the idea of two opposing characters with contrasting and conflicting ideas.
The last thing I will mention about the cover art is that the funny joke that it would be forwarded by Lauren Faust. However, I am a bit sad that you didn't actually include a forward where she simply screams.
Your opening paragraph and sentence are not hooking me. Now one might say that hooks are only for millennials that are too overstimulated so they can't do anything for a longer period of time before getting bored and quit while I can attest to being like this at times. One might also say that if I am reading your book for leisure activity or for another purpose that I want to be assured that your book will satisfy whatever it is that I want it to satisfy. Otherwise, I will look for another book or do something else that satisfy that need. Since this seems to be a comedy by the cover that "need" is to feel joy.
Your first paragraph instantly tells me one thing: You have been taken lessons from me on story writing.
I almost always start my stories by describing my character or having them wake up and then describe them.

Sorry, if I sound patronizing in this text. I simply have a hard time expressing myself any better. I don't even remotely consider my power level in writing to be something special. Many of the explanations above are probably things you already know. I mean just because you didn't have a story hook that doesn't mean you don't know about hooks or that the idea of a hook is something that you don't understand or oppose. When I see something I consider flawed I will mention it and I will also expand upon it. That means that I sometimes will expand upon on things you simply overlook but already know. An example of this would be me mentioning that you have a typo in your text and then explain why you shouldn't have a typo in your text. It is not like I don't believe that you don't know this. I do this because it is impossible for me to know what you don't already know and because it could be useful for others that might read this.

I will continue with with hooks tomorrow.

9a786 No.181567

I have some comments on your fic as well if you're intrested. You will receive them regardless but please validate me!;P
And I will give you feedback aswell, Leafy.

89b75 No.181839

I have mulled it over and I don't value the story hook as the most important part of a story. Often people who read books in books stores read the premise of the story first or skims the first pages to see if it is for them. At least, that's how I imagine how it goes. I only read fanfiction. But I imagine people who actually leave their homes and go to the bookstore have the same procedure as I have when finding what to read. One can also read a book without a good hook because one knows the writer has produced quality works before, as it is with your case, or because the book was recommended to them. It doesn't hurt to have a hook though because even though I really enjoyed your story >>167255 , I didn't begin reading your story immediately when you posted it. Well, I did read up to Silver star was introduced. I will get to that part later how it takes time for your story to start going.
So everyone with a web browser can find multiple sources one what is a story hook and how to make one. I will include a definition of sorts since it is more or less necessary for explaining why your story doesn't have one.
Basically, a story hook is the beginning of a bait post. You are supposed to trick the reader into taking it and invest some time in what you wrote.
You can do this in a various way but the main ones, I think, are: Ask or imply a question that the reader will get his answer for if he continues reading; show off something unique or outstanding about your story, characters or world or simply dive instantly into the plot.
The hook is also supposed to represent your story in some way. Interestingly enough your current hook does this since it makes me think of meme fanfic-tier writing, which is kind of what you are parodying. It seem to be based in Nigel's Silver Star universe after all. Also, SilverNigel, again I have nothing against you. I just think your story is bad. I hope that you will stick around this thread and feel free to post your stories here. The more the merrier.
Now back to your opening. As stated before, I barely read real books with the exception of a few, Lovecraft's novels being one of them. I am, however, trying to change this folly of mine. But I know there is a book called the Invisible Man and that is pretty much all I know about it. The thing is: The main character of that story probably didn't need a description beyond that he was invisible yet paradoxly he needs more of a description than most characters in fiction in his story. Why? Because the fact that he is invisible is the entire plot while in Amnesia: The Dark Descent, we never see more than the hand of Daniel as he carries around his lantern because his appearance is insignificant to the plot.
Even if your readers get the wrong mental image of how your character looks and keeps that throughout the story at least are they reading your story. If you start it off by giving them too much of unrelated and seemingly unnecessary information they might not.
The funny part is that you already have a great hook for your story in your next paragraph. In my opinion, your story should have started with this sentence: ”Despite the full moon, Flip found it hard to discern just what was down there through the added gloom cast by his aviators, and yet he would not take them off, for that was not how Flip Ferrari lived.”
And then have the next paragraph describing him. Just a bit of editing is needed.
While we are on the subject of the first paragraph: ”He had a bright orange mustache that matched the color of his mane, rare for a pony, but then Flip Ferrari was a rare sort of pony indeed.”
I think it is hard to know the meaning of this sentence. Is it rare for a pony to have a mustache or one that matches the color of his mane or both?
I will have more positive things to say in my next post and negative things.
Basically, I like your descriptions that are way superior to my own and I like the small subtle jokes that you make here and there.
”He glanced up at the position of the moon and stars, although in truth their positions meant absolutely nothing to him.”
This one made me laugh hard.

60339 No.182166

I am the thread's OP btw. Unless my flag didn't make that obvious. I wanted to post what I want this thread to become. The thing is: I like the art of storytelling. I enjoy a variety of different reviews on the internet and I also think a lot about scenarios for stories in my leisure time. It is my hobby and I sort of aspire to write my own novels one day.
My dilemma is that I have no one to talk about these things too. I have tried to talk to family and friends about the art of storytelling but it is clear that they do not share that interest with me.
That is why I write this now. I want to discuss things I can't in irl with you anons.
That's also why I keep updating it with content. It is less for the content and more for the procedure of bumping this thread for me. I want you to see it and tempt you to post on anything on it.
The Nigel drama >>165646 >>166259 was actually a blessing in disguise. It proved to me that there were a lot of competent literature interested anons on this board. So many different Anons gave solid advice on the art. Some more than others. The one that posted most was the anon who namefag'd Before I ask this question, I want to make a point that it is a rhetorical question. I understand that people have lives and stuff they rather are doing. So when I ask: ”Where are they now?” that is not to say that have an obligation to be here. My point is that we have all these talented people on this board yet Anonfilly is the write-fagging is happening or the porn thread. I also enjoy anonfilly, thank you very much ;^P. But the anons doing the writing in those threads are quite established writefaggots. They are great at what they doing, however, they have to stay within a limited premise of Anon going filly and most of what becomes of that is slice of life stories. There is nothing wrong with that but it isn't more than that either.
I see that I have firewood but I don't know how to make a fireplace.
I want to entice anons to post on this thread. Since the Nigel thread proved they clearly have an interest for the art. Well, enough to shit on Nigel. There must be a way to get them started.
I have thought about a range of different project to do this. They all have a common key component with them being some kind of collaboration.
I have three ideas.
The first one is something similar to the thing I and the leaf are doing on this thread. Writing the same story. A good name for it is a write chain.
A different version of this is to have Anons splitting up a story into different sections and then have different Anons on different parts of it. An Anon can be making the characters, one can do the world building and one can strung togather the story. The story becomes a team effort.
The third idea is to have an anon writing the story and another giving feedback. Actually, that is called an editor, right? So it is not a new idea.
My point is that if someone posted on this thread, it is because they want other anons to read it. Otherwise, they would have just written it offline. There needs to be a feedback loop for content creators otherwise there is no reason for them to post here unless they want mlpol anons to read to help give them something. The only time that would happen is if someone is trying to contribute to the movement. It is on such a small scale that it hardly matters and that most of us don't care what a complete stranger thinks.
The anonfilly thread does the feedback loop both good and bad. The good part is that it is almost impossible to write something on there without getting any (you)s and it is often positive. The bad part is that most of it could have been replaced by simple thumbs up likes. Maybe that isn't fair. Anons do write done what they liked and didn't like sometimes and it doesn't have to be this long ass reviews for everything either as long as the content creator is recognized. But that is where that thread could improve but I suppose it has to happen organically.
On this thread, however, someone wrote a 55 kilowords doc and it got like two different anons commenting on it.
King battle brit shows promise. He could seriously write good stories on this website. The main reason for this is because he has managed what so many other amateur writers can't. He can finish his stories. He also has the stamina and the dedication to stay with a story through.
It is not anybody's fault. I am just saying that this is a problem.
So from now on, I will review any story you post on this thread at least with a few sentences. So if you want to try your hand at writing and want some feedback, post it here. I will give you a general rundown of what I think about it.
In the meantime what do you think about all this?
Also, if you want to tripfag or namefag do so. If ego drive you, at least you are doing something.
Also, I really think that the Nigel threads are a goldmine of writing advice.

02ac0 No.182209

I appreciate your insights and I appreciate that you're reading my book. You've given some good notes and I will likely make some adjustments to the text based on some of the input I've received so far. Writing a good opening line is an art form in and of itself, and there's a lot of different ways to approach it. I actually gave a good deal of thought to what the opening line of this story should be, and ultimately decided that a direct description of the character would be the way to go. When writing in a universe like MLP, where the visual style is fairly well established, you can assume that most readers will have a certain idea what a character will look like without giving too much description. It is probably not necessary to mention that the character is a horse, for instance. However, readers also have certain details that need to be fleshed out in order to imagine the character. I find that mentioning mane color, mane style if noteworthy, coat color, cutie mark and any other pertinent details (such as Flip's sunglasses and mustache for instance) is usually what people would like to know for a significant character. Minor characters you can usually get away with just mentioning a color or a cutie mark and that's usually enough. Thinking up cutie marks for each new character I find to be the biggest pain in the ass when writing pony fiction, but I digress. In any event, I rather like your suggestion of just swapping the positions of the first and second paragraphs and may do just that in the next edition.

Also, I'll be sure to get on Lauren Faust about that foreword she still owes me.

>someone wrote a 55 kilowords doc and it got like two different anons commenting on it.

I had rather hoped to get some more (You)s when I posted it I'll admit, but I also acknowledge that it's long and a bit of a time commitment to read, so I humbly thank you and anyone else willing to slog their way through it. I also think if I'd had it done when the Nigel drama peaked, that would have been the ideal time to post a parodic Silver Star novel, but it took me most of September to write unfortunately and by the time I had it finished the drama had died down. At least my "other" Silver Star story will forever be immortalized.

I fully support this thread and fully support the goal of encouraging more writefagging across the board. If you weren't planning to already, I would encourage you and everyone else in this thread to consider participating in NaNoWriMo this month (thread on it here https://mlpol.net/mlpol/res/178720.html). The Flip Ferrari novel was actually an attempt at the same challenge (hopefully I didn't expend all my autism and can still pull a second novel out of my ass this month).

As to writefagging on the board, I fully intend to do more of that and hope we can get more anons to do the same. With the slow board speed and small comfy community this would really be the ideal place to do it. I also like the Anonfilly threads but I agree that it would be nice to have other types of fiction being written not confined to that narrow theme. I think that if anyone thinks of a good story prompt, the best idea is to start a thread and encourage people to write greentext or other types of stories from the prompt, rather than just forcing stories into narrow generals based on a consistent theme the way it appears to work on /mlp/. Incidentally I am the author of the Dale Gribble Goes to Equestria green (https://mlpol.net/mlpol/res/146529.html), which I had a lot of fun writing and which seemed to have been fairly well received. I would like to try more seat-of-my-pantsu writing like that in the future. I also want to write a couple of Flip Ferrari sequels, although I have to admit I'm a bit ponied out a the moment and will probably need to spend some time writing about other subjects before I get back to it. I also would like to accept your invitation and join you and Canada in your collaborative story, and as soon as I get a free moment to read what's been written so far I'll see if I can add anything to it.

8127a No.182236

File: 1541018133427.png (334.99 KB, 634x530, 1529615283004.png)

You've certainly got passion on your side Sven, I'll handily hand you that in a handbasket. And believe me when I say I know what you mean about enjoying the art and all things connected to it.
The thing about engagement with the other anons lurking here is that while it would be marvelous to have a big ol' influx of (You)'s and feedback, there's a few things inhibiting that.

To address the biggest part of that, I need to talk directly to you. And by you, I mean (You), the lurking faggot reading this post right now. Yes, (You) won't do it for one of three reasons:
1) /mlpol/'s high post quality expectation, dissuading even a simple 'hey that's pretty good mane, a (You) for your efforts!'
2) Nothing in this thread really grabs you enough to even warrant a reply.
3) You want to say something, but are left wanting for something to say, quality be damned.
There's always been a bit of a disconnect between creator and consumer in one other major field, so I'll lay it out plain for those who might genuinely not know: any feedback, even a simple "this is shit, kys faggot" is preferable to silence.
Sven here rightly points out that Anonfilly has the lion's share of writers on it's side, and the simple truth of the matter is that all creators, be they writefags, drawfags, or even the guys dropping news threads, need validation of some kind. Anonfilly creators are given every incentive to continue because they receive it in spades, while other creators here do not, and thus splutter and fade. Call it what you will, but it is what it is, and the results speak for themselves.
A prolific example in recent memory of validation-spurred creativity outside of Anonfilly is the recent victory thread for the /pol/league (>>174353): writefag and drawfag alike received their validation, and thus continued. Meanwhile, the drawfag (>>143043) thread is sporadic at best, and the Leslie (>>129494) thread has little to nothing. And did you ever wonder why Nigel kept continuing his tirade of autism in his containment threads (>>166259, >>165646) for so long? Yo.
Now, I'm not trying to indict (You) for being a bystanding limpwristed cocksmoker. Well, okay, maybe I am a little, but I'm guilty of the same thing as well. I know there's a good community here, it's just a little shy. Don't worry about what you've got to say, just make sure you say it, is what I'm saying. You guys hold the key to keeping the train going, so don't be afraid to give it a turn. Use it or lose it, before Atlas forgets to pay the site's bill again!

Now back to you, Sven.
I like your gumption, I really do. Hold dearly onto that passion of yours, it'll take you all sorts of places. Since you're going with the feedback theme, I'll offer some up too.
This is more about the woes of being ESL, but your grammar could use a bit of touching up in your stories. No complaints about spelling. Unfortunately, the only thing I can really suggest for that is to read shitloads of English language stuff (preferably not fanfics) and just absorb the rules through osmosis. If you're looking for a good pick in terms of fantasy, I can heartily recommend Terry Goodkind's The Sword of Truth books though they get rather convoluted after the 10th book, with the characters stepping into Mary Sue/Gary Stu territory a lot after that mark.
You've also picked up my unfortunate habit of overusing commas, something I'm also trying to iron out. The general rule there is pretty simple: if you can get away without it and the words still read as you intended, you don't need it. It's tough though, since it needs a lot of proofreading to catch yourself doing it. Habits are a bitch.
If you're wanting for something to give feedback on, boy have I got a treat for you. I'm the same guy who writes all the stories for the porn threads here, but if you click through the Pastebin links and get to my account, you'll find the monstrous multiple-part thing I'm currently writing for AiE over on 4/mlp/. Needed a little break from it since I'm all 'tism'd out after almost two years of constant updates, but I'm always down for feedback, provided you can stomach all 495,000-ish words and counting of it. :^)

Didn't know you were the same guy who did the Gale Dribble stuff, fren. I'll admit I haven't read it yet, since I don't know much about the source material, but I may give it a whirl later. Ditto for the Flip Ferrari thing, though that was more time constraints than voluntary restraint.
Won't be able to rustle up the 'tism for NaNoWriMo, though that may change later. We'll see.
Definitely drop more thread prompts and answer the calls when the itch strikes you though. God and pre-Scruffening /mlp/ made them that way. If you're lucky enough, you may get it A S C E N D E D, as in >>>/go/3498 :^).
Oh, no pressure for dropping in on the LARP by the way. I'm down for making it a full-on MUD should you accept the call.

01792 No.182333

>>182209 >>182236
Thanks for the positive responses. I am really glad and thrilled about it.
I will try to get back to you soon. Right now I am phone posting and I only have internet connection on very specific location heere. It is diffucult to type here. I won't be out of here until monday.

689a6 No.182338

You know what sucked about the Nigel drama? It was just one writer getting attacked by the bitter raiders he protected the site from a year ago, and shit "kys uwu silver i like penis star should get raped by glimmer" posts outnumbered actual quality posts by people who knew what they were talking about. Then it died when everyone realized how pathetic and obsessive those three raiders are.
I've been working on a rewrite of that fic aided by the good writing advice I got, by the way. I'll upload chapters when I can upload every chapter at once.

ce4d0 No.182340

No Nigel. Bad Nigel. Don't try to restart old drama.

689a6 No.182341

Do you mean the old drama those raiders try and restart whenever they make a post like this >>182041
gay posts like this >>4452
Or do you mean this old drama? >>3266
If you mean all of it, want to talk about my rewritten Silver fic instead? I had a good idea on how to make him less OP.

ce4d0 No.182342

Just don't bring it up, alright? If you're working on rewriting your fic, go ahead and post about that, but only that. Don't try to antagonize and restart old shit that's been settled for a while by now.

ce4d0 No.182343

Anyways, yes, I would like to hear what your idea was on how to make him less OP.

689a6 No.182344

I'll make him fat.
Sure, he used to be a cowboy pony, but he really let himself go.
I'll say the time he spent in Canterlot made him slow and fat and lame, and the only reason why he can do all the flippy jumpy fighty shit he does is because he takes daily doses of a potion that temporarily makes him fit and buff, but when it wears off, he goes right back to being fat.
Also, in his timeline between being a cowboy pony and going to Canterlot, he spent two years searching for immortality and failed to find anything good, so he gave up on that.
He now also has issues with finishing stuff he started. He's lazy and doesn't do that often.
And he never finished his inner peace+spin training in Pony China. So he can only do the hole-moving shit, and at a much slower pace than actual masters can. And he doesn't have inner peace.

ce4d0 No.182349

…Gonna be honest, I've been mulling that over in my head for the past few minutes, and…really the only thing I have is that it's certainly the most unique way I've seen someone try to nerf their character, and considering I've had to do that a few times with my own OCs and with other people's, that's saying something. If you think it will work, I would say go for it, but I don't think it's the right solution for this particular problem.

02ac0 No.182371

File: 1541099980648.pdf (578.26 KB, Flip.pdf)

>bitter raiders he protected the site from a year ago
It's really really funny that this is still your interpretation of what happened. Here, have a complimentary copy of the latest edition (now with a special foreword by Lauren Faust™) and it may brighten up that sour disposition of yours.

Anyway, if you'd like something positive to channel all that autistic rage of yours into, why not join us for NaNoWriMo? >>178720

I still say that if anyone could crank out 50,000 words in the space of a month it's you. Just try not to make the whole thing one scene this time.

5fd68 No.182615

Right, now I am also only phone posting in the nationalnovemberwrite thread. I write it on my computer first then i transfer it from my pc to my phone. Then i post it as a pdf on the thread. Hope this helps.

5fd68 No.182627

I liked the foreword. It 0and the blank pages work as a great hook honestly. I loved the twist on laurens character. Saw that the silver star part was shorter. I like that aswell because it was something i was going to nag about.

f0f6c No.182987

>I'll make him fat.
It is a nerf. I wouldn't have done that though. I would have chosen to add a flaw to his personality rather than that. It is only in the sexy and the fighting dualist department that this is something bad. He can still be a good person. I mean shall his character development be training montage? But this is what i personally think.
Accel world did this btw.

ce4d0 No.182989

No idea what that is.

123be No.182993

I don't understand the post. Silver's story is about Silver going from asshole who wants Twilight like he wanted the last cool thing he got to a good pony who genuinely cares for her. I gave him a general nerf to what I thought were the most OP things about him.

f0f6c No.183059

I think this story is from søren kierkegaard. It is basically a story about God's love for humanity.
So there is this King who is in love with a simple girl that works at a booth in the market. He ponders how to make her love him.
He thinks up a plan. He will dress in his finest clothes, exit through his golden carriage pulled by the finest six horses in the kingdom and an orchestra is going to play a fanfare as she steps out with the crown on his head. Then and there he will propose.
He is quite mirthful about this plan for a while before he realizes. Sure, the girl would be impressed but she wouldn't love him.
So he cooks up a new plan. This time instead of exiting out of this carriage he will give her it.
Again he becomes cheerful about the plan until he realizes that no matter what he gives her she wouldn't love him. She would be grateful but nothing more.
So the king of the land, who can order anyone to do anything, even he cannot force her to love him. To genuinely love him, she must choose to do so. Therefore, he disguises himself as a simple peasant as he walks up to her.

My point is that Silver Star can be how OP or underwhelming as can be. That, in my opinion, shouldn't the main focus in love story such as this. It should be about the relationship between these characters. Basically, why they like each other why they don't.
I am the same anon that wrote this >>170851
I didn't nerf your character. I simply chose not to focus on those parts because they seemed unrelated to the rest of the story.
It is an anime.

ce4d0 No.183061

That would explain it. I think I've watched maybe two animes in my life.

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