This is eerie and evocative. Why are you posting it here, of all places? My recommendation is that you clean it up, write it as conventional prose, not greentext, with the normal third person limited perspective, and put it on AO3. Or maybe Fimfic. Does Fimfic still exist? Let me check. Weird, Fimfic is still up. You could make a Fimfic account and put it there. This place is deader than fried chicken, and what little activity there is on most boards is mostly shrill autists who got b& from 4chins for spamming pony memes in /pol/.
Seriously, this is worth working on further.