/mlpol/ - My Little Politics


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Wwwaaaaahhhhhhhh.jpg
Writefag Circle
Anonymous
161e2ce
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No.299458
299459 299464 299478 300871 328882
Welcome. This thread is for you Anons who wishes to improve your writing or just chill among Anons that do.
This is suppose to be a chill af thread. It's fine if it becomes a slider thread. I'll only make a new one of these if there is intrest.

>What is the need for this thread when we already have Glimglam's review thread and Anonfilly?
Compared to Glimglam's thread this thread is about what we Anons will or want to create. The only reviewing that might happened here is incidental, as in providing critic to some other work through comparison with the work at hand, and when one Anon tells another what his opinions of their work is.
This thread is first and foremost about producing stories.
This cannot be done in the Anonfilly thread since it is about Anonfilly first and foremost.

>Why a thread like this? Cannot we just have threads pop up organically because an Anon chose to post a green?
Yes, you are right. And this thread is absolutely not against other threads that circle around a singular story made by an Anon.
What this thread really is, is a form of support group for anyone wanting to write but are struggling with something in their writing process, like myself.
I thought it would be a good idea to talk to other Anons who also have similar goals about our stories and are struggling in creating them. Maybe, you struggle on something I don't and maybe I struggle on something you don't and therefore we can provide advice to each other on how to overcome our problems? Maybe some mysterious wise Anonsage lurks and our discussion prompts him to tell us his method he gained from meditating on top of K2 for five years without chicken tendies.

As stated before this is relaxed thread. If you like the thread, you don't have to pressure yourself into posting something to bump it. If anyone would like a continuation of it, I'll post a new one if it hits the archive. It's also okay to get off topic sometimes as well. I understand that conversations can lead to tangents and that it can be a relief finding someone else to talk to about things with, especially if few shares the perspective. If things get out of hand, I, or someone else, will ask you to kindly take this discussion to another thread or more fitting board, even perhaps. As an actual sugguestion, not a hidden insult. You and another Anon might discover something really intresting to talk about so why not create a thread about it?
Memetexts are, of course, welcomed.
Also, you don't have to share your problems if you don't want to. If you feel like telling us about your story that's enough. Story ideas can be really intresting to listen to and it might help you in return. Again, only do that if you want to.

So that's about it for the thread's header. The rest that follows is about me.

Right now, I thought about making the most simplest story I could think off. It's a simple hero's journey story. I do this because of two reasons. First off, I wanna know that I can start a project and see it to the end. I have only succeeded in finishing short stories before, you see, so this time I wanna try something longer. I also wanna keep it simple so that I don't get overwhelmed during the process of writing it.
Anonymous
161e2ce
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No.299459
299464
>>299458
>This cannot be done in the Anonfilly thread since it is about Anonfilly first and foremost.
Or, rather becuase every story has to be about filly in the Anonfilly htread but here it can be about anything.
Anonymous
5ff6779
?
No.299464
299468
579351__tbc_placeholder.jpeg
The Emperor_s New Groove - You Threw Off My Groove.mp4
>>299458
>>299459
Thanks friend!
>Right now, I thought about making the most simplest story I could think off. It's a simple hero's journey story. I do this because of two reasons. First off, I wanna know that I can start a project and see it to the end. I have only succeeded in finishing short stories before, you see, so this time I wanna try something longer. I also wanna keep it simple so that I don't get overwhelmed during the process of writing it.
It's certainly something when it's done with the right mindset. That you did it! Along the way regrets and wanting to perfect it comes up, but I think the important part is doing it start to finish first.
My advice is to Just-Do-It. Anything related to the story that can be referenced every day. A short note, a character thing or a sentence or two. Or more. From my limited experience having an unexpected break can throw off one's groove.
I'm looking foward to what you've got.
Anonymous
161e2ce
?
No.299468
>>299464
>Along the way regrets and wanting to perfect it comes up, but I think the important part is doing it start to finish first.
I agree.
>Anything related to the story that can be referenced every day. A short note, a character thing or a sentence or two. Or more.
I'm not sure what you're trying to say, frien.

>I'm looking foward to what you've got.
I'm still working out the outline but I know what it is about, thematically. It will be a while before I have anything written. It mostly depends on how much I work on it. I don't have a scheduale for when I should write per week or day. In fact, I have hard to with focus and structure.
As the comic stripe you have attached, I won't be putting to much pressure on myself because I don't want to hate myself if I fail to preform.
Anonymous
01504c3
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No.299470
299472
thumbs-up.jpg
Feelan really good about my current writefag project. Novella-length, non-pone. This might be the first one I seriously try to make money off of.
Anonymous
161e2ce
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No.299472
299474
>>299470
Sounds great. Hope you succeed.
Not to put the cart before the horse but how do you intend to sell it? Like, there are many alternatives today. Well, I guess there are two: Online or through a publisher.
Anonymous
01504c3
?
No.299474
299475
>>299472
Publisher. There's one I've worked with who's enjoyed some short stories and poems I wrote, so I figure if I can write a longer work that's actually good there's a decent chance he'll take it. Small, independent publishers definitely seem like the best option for unknown writers in my opinion. Major publishing houses probably toss your manuscript straight into the trash if you're not a famous name or haven't sucked someone's dick, and self-publishing can lock you out of certain opportunities such as professional cover art and advertising, plus the fact that most book stores won't carry self-published works.

It sort of is putting the cart before the horse, but I do think that having a publisher in mind can actually help you while you're writing. That is to say, you can tailor your story to your prospective publisher's tastes and hopefully have a better chance of being accepted as a result.

But yeah, I've definitely got to actually hammer out the story before worrying too hard about all that.
Anonymous
161e2ce
?
No.299475
309151
>>299474
>There's one I've worked with who's enjoyed some short stories and poems I wrote
Cool.
You write poems? I find that and riddles really hard to make and, in regards to riddles, hard to solve. I just find it hard to rythme or find words that convey the meaning that I want but also rythme. That's actually one of the reasons why I was impressed by the first part of Doki Doki Literature Club. The guy had actually put the effort into writing poems in different styles for each character.

I have at times thought about finding a artist to partner up with. It would be cool if one could make a comic or something together with someone who can draw.
However, I try to keep my thoughts away from such dreams because I'm far away from that being a possibility.
Anonymous
927b04a
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No.299478
299488
>>299458
Awesome idea. The only reason I still go to 4-leaf-clover-chan is for /lit/. Haven't been able to find anything comparable on alt chans, high hopes for here.
Anonymous
927b04a
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No.299480
299488
Is it possible to write about an essay about my own thoughts or feelings about something without coming off preachy? Or am I forced to write an analogous but fictional story and hope people make the connection?
Anonymous
17759f5
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No.299481
299496
Writing is hard. Sure, you can write, yet there is a hidden layer that puts things into perspective. When I read someone's work on fimfiction (one that hits one thousand likes, no less) I can definitely sense a distinct way of how the story reveals itself.

And to add a spoon of bitterness to this already spoiled broth, I am a foreigner so it's double the amount of pain whichever sentense is natural to write or not.

See what you did there? I added a figurative trope to make things interesting. Writing is a perfect combination of good wording and imaginative story telling. But it is also ten times more than that.

I think that the more time is spent practicing and inspiring one's imagination - the better it gets. Simular to writing, I remember my drawings seven years prior to this moment and I can say that my artistic talent got a bit better (they're still shit, but at least I am more aware of the most common mistakes). We all know the definition of insanity from farcry, but strangely so, it does help the more you resist to give up and continue doing the same thing over and over again.
Anonymous
161e2ce
?
No.299488
299494 299495 300997 302817
>>299478
Glad to hear it.
>>299480
>Is it possible to write about an essay about my own thoughts or feelings about something without coming off preachy?
I think I understand what you're saying but I'm not sure. Are you talking about writing an essay or about writing a story.
I have some thoughts on this matter but you should probably take them with a grain of salt since I haven't actually finished a novel-length story before.
I think the problem with stories that are written off as preachy, or essays for that matter but I'm first and foremost talking about stories here, isn't because they have a clear message. I think the problem is in the execution of these stories. Stories with a clear moral, like children stories or an mlp episode has to prove their moral through the story. I feel it is the same in this case. A story and its scenes are the argument(s) that prove the moral it presents to be correct.
I think the problem is when there is a character which opinion is the moral of the story. I guess it can work. However, a character like that will almost seem psychic or too good to be true. He or she can become a (G)Mary S(t)ue because of this.
Take Ian Malcom in Jurrassic Park. There is a scene when he talks to the asian doctor in charge of the labratory or whatever. In it the Doctor asks him if he is sugguesting that park filled with females will have offsprings. Malcom answers, "No, I'm simply saying, uhhh... Life will find a way."
In my opinion, this is too much and very odd. If I had been in Malcom's shoes right then, I would probably shrink back a bit. I mean he is actually saying that females will have offsprings unless he has read the script and knows that some of these dinos will become trans because how else will "life find a way"?
I, if I were Malcom and still felt sure about my position, would chew my lip and say, "Well, I don't think you can control this ot that extent but okay."
My point is that he seem like the author's favorite or like the author himself. It is almost like his words dictate the outcome of the movie rather than it begin something that happened as a consequence of the factors that are suppose to be the reason behind things.
I think some thing becomes "preachy" when a character soap box and the story vindicates them.
I think, again, that the point of a story is to prove its message to be true rather than to have it either explain to us why it is correct by a character or, as in worse, not explained at all just blurted out as obvious.

I believe there are more ways to go about all this though. An Anon on this site wrote a story called, "Castle of Vapor." I shill it whenever I can, that should tell you what I think about it.
It is good example of this though.
In it all characters are exaggerated for sarcasm and comdey purposes but also as social commentary. What I mean with exaggerated is not that people like this doesn't exist. It is more that its quite coincidental that the MC is such a sterotype and every other character he meets in the story is also a sterotype but this works in the story's favour. Since people can swallow an "edgy" and "rascist" joke and self-deprication is also appriciated that the ideas presented can be presented without there being a good way for anyone to boycote the story without comming off as a buzz kill. The ideas presented are clearly presented in parody manner but people cannot deny that there is some truth to these sterotypes that they are presented with becuase they know people in real life that are like this.
Things just kind of are in this story.
The MC lives in commieblock, gets wellfare checks while working partly as uber driver. His name is Tips Fedora and his only friends are two pony tulpas. He is a huge autist and he eats junk food.
The same kind of list like attributes can be written about the other characters of the story.
This constant irony mode that the story is set on actual helps to emphasize, through contrast, the one thing that does matter in the story: The friendship between MC and the hipster character. It is kinda of telling as it is the only thing that is no material and it is cleverly symbolized through a... dollar bill? I think. Whatever, I don't burger so I don't know. It probably has some extra layer of symbolism if you know something about that president or whatever the guy was on the bill.
Anyway, it's material value is replaceable but not its sentimental value for the MC and only when he has cleaned his friend's name, he uses it. Or does he actually clean his friend's name in the end? I forget but he solves the mysery in the end and then buys something with the bill.
Anonymous
161e2ce
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No.299494
>>299488
Appearently it was ten-dollar bill and the guy was, as you in the knowing have already figured out, Alexander Hamilton.
Anonymous
161e2ce
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No.299495
>>299488
>the one thing that does matter in the story
"Matter" might not be the best word here. What I mean is that while everything else is laced with irony, this is not and its the only thing is played straight and genuinely.
Anonymous
161e2ce
?
No.299496
>>299481
>We all know the definition of insanity from farcry, but strangely so, it does help the more you resist to give up and continue doing the same thing over and over again.
Yeah, that's a funny way to put it but its acutally fairly accurate, at least for me, so far.
Anonymous
aec124a
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No.300671
300819
Currently, I'm grinding out words on docs. I wonder if any of you could give me some advice.
I feel that I can describe a ood scene when I give it enough time and I also feel that I can plan a good plot when given time but I have a hard time meshing these two things together. Either I plan a bunch but nothing gets written in the end or I don't plan at all.

So I'm thinking about two different approaches to solve this problem.
Either I focus on writing, smaller scenes or stories that are well thought out but as stated short.
Or I take a simple premise story and just grind out a long story and basically ignore any problems with the plot that aren't major ones.
The former practices the quality of my writing while the latter improves my stamina. I feel that both of these things are things I value and would like to improve in my skillset.
Right now, I'm leaning towards the former because that sounds like a priority to me but I would like your input on this manner. Of course, you always don't need to offer any insight into this manner but I would be grateful for any.
Yes, I'm aware that this is not a new talking point from me. And yes, I develop at an extremly slow rate.
Anonymous
a3505e3
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No.300819
300846 300847
>>300671
Plan your 3 main points of the story and let it flow from there. Don't grind it out, just write the story as it flows with the characters you have. Unless you're writing book two of a trilogy you're very unlikely to end up where you originally planned to when you put the pen down.
Anonymous
450482a
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No.300846
>>300819
Thanks for the advice, I'll think about it.
Anonymous
450482a
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No.300847
>>300819
I see that your refering to the discovery writing style. Do you have any experience with it yourself?
Anonymous
8bb3398
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No.300871
300872
>>299458
So we could write our stories not related to mlp in this thread?
Anonymous
450482a
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No.300872
300873 300905
>>300871
In my opinion, any Anon who practice their craft here is just better for the board overall and I also think that litterature is one of those things that can really change peoples' minds so it is good investment for any polack to learn. However, I don't know. If what you write isn't either /Pol/ nor /Mlp/ then I guess it doesn't belong on the board. To me, it doesn't matter and such things has happened before.
Honestly, that's something for the mods to decide upon. I really can't answer. I say post whatever you have in mind and see what happens.
Anonymous
8bb3398
?
No.300873
300904 300905
>>300872
Okay. I like to write and would love for a place to craft my prose where the feedback isn't censored, that it would be presented as is. I'll post a story later when I could think of one, just to try it out
Anonymous
8bb3398
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No.300904
300946 301154 301203
>>300873
Monsters are real, Jeanette thought as she took a cautious step toward the thing in the tank. The light illuminating the tank gave off a greenish murk of a glow that only added to the disbelief and surrealism of the moment. It made her want to touch it so she could confirm this moment was not a dream. She took a hesitant step forward before her father gripped her shoulder tightly, pinching it, almost as though he read her thoughts and did it to prove it wasn't a dream.

"Not too close, dear," her father had said calmly.

She looked up into his steel grey eyes, seeing a calm look that had bothered her more than when he was in a bout of rage from his drinking.

"What is it?" She had finally found her voice to ask the simple question.

"Proof," He said coolly before kneeling and looking into her eyes," Proof of Hell itself, my dear. It's been under the waters this entire time,"

"Hell...," She murmured before giving the monstrosity in the tank a solemn gaze.

It certainly looked like something that traversed the stygian depths of Hell. That much was certain from its appearance alone. Jeanette took a sharp breath and took a step back ward as it suddenly flung it's tentacles against the glass with a hard smack. Almost pointing at her as though it could feel the fear and uncertainly growing roots into the girl's heart and soul.

Which it might very well could have, considering, Jeanette's father thought as he boldly took a step forward and reached into the pocket inside his fine suit coat.

He smiled devilishly as the shekel caught its ever peering eyes and it's tentacles now grazed against the glass with an audible sucking sound. Jeanette watched in awe at the spectacle, feeling her heart race and remembering a word her mother had taught her. Not just a word but also a sin.

A sin called Avarice.

And with the sight of the creature's reaction to the shekel, she knew that was the Devil. The Devil bound and caged by man itself.
Anonymous
0f8298c
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No.300905
300946
>>300872
>>300873
If the mods don't approve it being here then I bet they wouldn't mind if a thread was made on /ub/.
Anonymous
a910586
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No.300946
300981
>>300905
Yeah, sure. I'll will wait for the mods decision though. This thread has barely started and there so far is only one post that isn't directly related to either politics or poners >>300904
I have a feeling most of the posters on this board, because they visit this board, will post pony or politics related stuff anyway.
Also, its a drag to create a new thread. I'll hold off on fixing something that might not be a problem yet. Let's wait an see for a bit.
>>300904
Have just skimmed it so far but I do like the way your write things. It reminds me of my own writting style actually, but perhaps with a greater vocbularity.
Ninjas
## Ninja
0000000
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No.300952
300981 301203
It's fine. If a change becomes necessary, we'll discuss how to.proceed in thread. For now, carry on.
Anonymous
8bb3398
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No.300981
301156
94c2cf_6904703.jpg
>>300946
Thanks fren

>>300952
Okay. Thanks for letting us know!
Anonymous
f6f5f09
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No.300997
301589 302817 302834
>>299488
>An Anon on this site wrote a story called, "Castle of Vapor." I shill it whenever I can, that should tell you what I think about it.
I'm the author. I'm genuinely happy that you enjoyed that story so much, I was fairly happy with it myself but I wasn't sure how broad of an appeal it might have.

>It is kinda of telling as it is the only thing that is no material and it is cleverly symbolized through a... dollar bill? I think. Whatever, I don't burger so I don't know. It probably has some extra layer of symbolism if you know something about that president or whatever the guy was on the bill.
>Appearently it was ten-dollar bill and the guy was, as you in the knowing have already figured out, Alexander Hamilton.
It is a bit of a burger joke; I suppose you would have to know our currency to really get it. It's also a joke on the novel that this story takes it's inspiration from.

My story is loosely based on The Long Goodbye by Raymond Chandler, which you might also enjoy reading if you enjoyed mine. The mystery plays out much differently, but the basic setup is the same: the detective character has a chance encounter with a drunk guy he ends up becoming friends with, they hang out for awhile, then the guy's wife gets murdered. The cops finger the guy lol for the murder, so he asks the detective to help him leave the country. Meanwhile, the detective thinks his friend was wrongly accused, so he tries to solve the mystery, but before he can figure it out he receives news that his friend was killed.

In Chandler's story, the drunk guy gives the detective a $5,000 bill as payment for sneaking him across the Mexican border. A $5,000 bill is a pretty rare denomination of bill that you don't see very often, mostly because it's so large. In the early 1950s, when the story was written, $5,000 was a preposterous amount of money, so basically this is a very rare, high-value bill that the guy gives him. The detective can't spend it or do anything with it, so he ends up just storing it in his safe. Throughout the story he periodically takes it out of the safe and looks at it, and it becomes a symbol of the unresolved issue of his friend's murder, and the mystery surrounding who really killed his wife. A $5,000 bill has a picture of James Madison on it, so throughout the story the detective keeps referring to the bill as his "Portrait of Madison."

The bill in my story was meant to be kind of a riff on this. $10 is obviously not very much money, and the $10 bill is quite common in America. However, it assumes the same symbolic role in the story: the friend disappears and leaves a mystery behind, and Tips Fedora can't spend or get rid of the bill he gave him until the mystery is resolved and he knows his friend is okay. Alexander Hamilton is on the $10 bill, so the character in my novel talks about having a "Portrait of Hamilton."

Also, fun bit of trivia: in Chandler's story, the detective's drunk friend is named Terry Lennox. I named my analogous character Elroy R. Tennbox, which is a slightly-fudged anagram I added a B and a second O. Also, "Tennbox" sounds a little like "ten bucks," which is burger slang for ten dollars. I'm honestly a little proud of how many levels I got this dumb joke to work on.
Anonymous
f941da4
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No.301154
301203 301405
Spoilered
>>300904
Here are my throughts. Haha, for what it's worth.
>Monsters are real
You didn't write it in cursive. Cool. It's not wrong I just haven't seen that before.
Seems like something you would say if you have been been told or you been presented with reasons to believe in monsters before but you didn't get convinced, rather than someone who sees a monster for the first time. The latter would probably just go, "Whaaaa! What the fuck?"
Depending on Jeanette's history with the supernatural I say it could be either a good line or an okay line.
>she took a cautious step toward the thing in the tank.
Most peole would have backed up from an hideous abomination but not Jeanette. I guess she is a friend of science! >pic related. And has a curious nature.
>She took a hesitant step forward before her father gripped her shoulder tightly, pinching it, almost as though he read her thoughts and did it to prove it wasn't a dream.
>and did it to prove it wasn't a dream.
I would drop the last independent clause here. That's right I know what they are. I think your explaining too much here. If the reader stopped right after, "thoughts," they would still know what you're talking about. Let them chew on the implication of him reading her mind. That's what I think anyway.
>"Not too close, dear," her father had said calmly.
>dear,
I assume they are british.
>She looked up into his steel grey eyes
I think this should be, "steel-grey eyes." It should be a compound adjective since otherwise your saying, I think, that the eyes were of steel and grey.
Correct me if I'm wrong.
I like that you mix character actions with description like this. She looks into his eyes and you describe the eyes. It makes for go pacing and you don't put the story one hold in the same way to describe how a character looks like. Although, sometimes this is necessary and I think one shouldn't go overboard with this. It would probably be a monkey on one's back and there are other things to prioritize over fancy langauges use.

Might get back to this later.
Anonymous
a8e631b
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No.301155
301156 301405
018C496195052F42B322DF9780FC57B3-42806.jpg

Anonymous
a8e631b
?
No.301156
>>301155
Meant for
>>300981
Anonymous
f941da4
?
No.301203
301405
>>300904
>>301154
>She had finally found her voice to ask the simple question.
Actually forget what I said before. Your style of writing and mine have significant differences. Not that yours is worse, it might actually be better. But I wouldn't have written this sentence. I would just had, "What is it?" stan for itself.
>He said coolly before kneeling and looking into her eyes
Neat. Here you imply her age without saying it.
>"Proof,"
>" Proof of Hell itself, my dear. It's been under the waters this entire time,"
This is probably just a typo there should be a period after, "time."
The idea is cool too.
>Which it might very well could have, considering, Jeanette's father thought
Cool.
Perhaps, I'll return to this later.
>>300952
Thanks for letting us know.
Anonymous
8bb3398
?
No.301405
301414
>>301155
Checked. Love you too fren

>>301154
>>301203
I appreciate the thoughts Swede fren. If you post one of your stories i'll be sure to give back good feedback!
Anonymous
3305b75
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No.301414
>>301405
Thank u.
No need for promises, or well that's my policy because I always fail to hold them. You might be different.
I hope you write more.
Anonymous
3305b75
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No.301478
301578 302817
Sunset 01.jpg
WondercoltSunsetbyNCMares1537757765104.png
LookatmeLookatmeIamaPrincessXbyYakovlevvad1474582362224.png
deviantart-Katakiuchi4U-807530650.jpg
Tough Poner.png
Sunset Shimmer had her revenge. The white and red body of the sun goddess was strewn upon the floor. The palace was in ruins.

”P-p-p-please... Sunset, stop. I'm begging you,” princess Celestia choked out as tears streamed down her cheeks.

A twisted grin appeared on Sunset's lips. He pressed hard on one of the alicorn's wings, right where it attached to the rest of the alicorn's body. Sunset's fiery mane whipped forward in the air as she suddenly had jerked forward. The bone in the wing broke and the wing twisted behind the alicorn's back.

Celestia screamed a high-pitched scream but it was soon replaced by a whimper. She was too exhausted to be to react to the pain.

A teal veil poured out from Sunset's horn and began to swirl around it. It was transparent and seemed to be some sort of liquid that appeared like smoke in the air. It appeared around Celestia's chin and seemed to pull her face to face with Sunset.

Sunset's grin was so wide it showed teeth. There was malicious glee in her eyes. Celestia's expression could be replicated if one pulled one's lover lip inwards, bent it like a ”c” but with the arch upwards.

”Long live the Princess,” Sunset said while magical energies swirled around her horn and looked to be charging.

”We have seen enough!”

As if Thanos snapped out of existence, Celestia disappeared. She was not alone. The rest of the ruined interior of the palace disappeared and was replaced with clouds that floated like fog past sunset's hooves and a star clad night sky.

Sunset looked surprised by the sudden shift in the environment. She looked down and saw that she stood on some invisible floor and there was nothing underneath her but midnight blue skies. Her green eyes then saw a white sphere in the heavens with the drawn face of a black horse in it. It was the moon with a nightmare moon still in it.

Sunset raise one eyebrow and lowered the other.

Wait, that's not right, she thought.

That's when the image of the horse turned towards her and blinked. Sunset's eyes went wide. The image then proceeded to crawl out of the moon as if it was a big tube and its black mass floated down onto the cloud near the invisible floor.

The mass shifted in shape and soon Sunset recognized it. It was Princess Luna and Sunset also realized what that implied.

There seemed to be tired pity in Luna's eyes as she looked down on Sunset. His black crown sat on her brow and the blue mane sparkled as it billowed.

Sunset sighed in mock disappointment and said while grinning, ”Ugh, I'm dreaming. Blast it.”
Anonymous
8bb3398
?
No.301578
302040
5435465446.jpg
>>301478
>Sunset Shimmer had her revenge. The white and red body of the sun goddess was strewn upon the floor. The palace was in ruins.
Good strong opening. I like it!

>P-p-p-please
I would shorten this the stutter a little, just for the emphasis it could have.

>Celestia screamed a high-pitched scream but it was soon replaced by a whimper.
I would revise it to "A high-pitched scream erupted from Celestia for a long moment before it simpered to a whimper"

>She was too exhausted to be to react to the pain.
>to be to react
A minor typo. I would rephrase it to "She was in such an exhausted state from the pain, there was little energy in her to react to anything"

>A teal veil poured out from Sunset's horn and began to swirl around it. It was transparent and seemed to be some sort of liquid that appeared like smoke in the air. It appeared around Celestia's chin and seemed to pull her face to face with Sunset.
Good line

>Sunset's grin was so wide it showed teeth.
I would revise it to "Sunset's lips curved into a grin so wide it showed the last of her molars"

>There was malicious glee in her eyes
I would revise to "The maliciousness gave her eyes a dark glow of glee"

>As if Thanos snapped out of existence
I'm personally not a fan of pop culture references but sometimes it can work. Here it does in an odd way. I like it

>Her green eyes
I would describe the color of her eyes to make it memorable. IE "lustrous forest green eyes" "swelling ocean blue eyes" etc.

I'll come back if I think of something else with the last lines. But I like what I see here Anon. You certainly do have a talent at writing and I hope you're sharpening that skill by free writing when you can
Anonymous
8d945ca
?
No.301589
>>300997
Been meaning to respond to this but haven't gotten around to it before.
Thanks for the insight. That "Tennbox" joke flew over my head completely.
It really is a good story. And this does related to this thread so I might as well talk about it a bit. Give you some feedback.

My memory of its entriety is a bit foggy since I didn't read the whole thing recently, however, I did read the opening of the story this autumn. I was trying to make another attempt at making an audio book of the thing but it didn't end up happening.
Its one of those type of stories or media that has good jokes back to back. I had to stop my recording several times just because I bursted out laughing.
I also like to mention that I love the tulpas. A story could be made around them alone, which is sort of what happened. You use them in the story so well, from what I remember.
I remember that you talked about how they were suppose to represent different sides of the mc that he suppressed because they had no place in today's society. Maybe, I'm projecting or simply mis-remembering or somehting in between but was RD a representation of masculine rage and Commieflutters a representation of feminine comfort or something. I like that. I think that it is easy to assume that just RD's element, in this case, would be suppressed in this society. I would argue that Hollywood and shit, tries to flasely associate men caring and showing affection towards each other into gayness. They do this because they fear a group of men that are loyal to each other and are friends. Heh, they fear magic.
But I really like that this tulpas are there for comedy relief but also to make the setting less lonely. Well, story has more dialogue in it because of them after all. However, I like how in ceratain scenes, especially the best scene. The low point of the story, where (SPOILERS!) mc believes his friend was killed and the tulpas disappear because he doesn't think it is respectful to have them react for him. This also emphasizes through contrast how lonely this guy is normally.

Sorry about the rant of conciousness. Wanted to get this out but yeah, I have something else I need to attend to soon so I got to get it out fast.
Anonymous
767d187
?
No.302040
>>301578
Yeah, uhm. Thanks a lot btw for your input.
Your revisions are superior in my eyes as well. Theyr are great. KMight not be the first thing I'll try to improve upon in the future because I have some other things in mind but I will keep it in the backburner.
Anonymous
8d4805c
?
No.302300
302356 302817
432435.jpg
6546544345.jpg
65464574654.jpg
Posting my another one of my stories called "Prosperine"

Screaming erupted into the stillness of the night, making me snap my head to the gas station to see a figure running out into the night; Leaving footprints in a liquid that was illuminated from the streetlight. I took a moment's glance to see it was blood before I burst into the station, the ringer going off. I was greeted with a vision straight from Hell itself. There were so many bare legs hanging from the ceiling, flailing and kicking. It looked as though they had grown from the ceiling instead of a forced entry. I was in such a shock that I couldn't remember if there had been customers, as I looked down beneath the legs at the small puddles of blood. Some of which had footprints dashed across them, leading away from the cashier huddled in the corner to the doors. The cashier's back was facing me.

Reason told me to run. Reason told me there was no helping the cashier. Whatever was happening was beyond the mortal realm of matters.

But at the same time something clicked inside me, something more powerful then reason that compelled me forward across the gore streaked floor. I dodged and maneuvered through the flailing limbs to the cashier and when I was close enough, I knelt and put a hand on their shoulder. It didn't surprise me my hand was firm and strong instead of limp and quaking. But I felt my heart swell with emotion as I stared at the faceless cashier looking back at me.

"Pros...Prosperine took...took...," She had stuttered.

Before the station's ringer went off.

I immediately turned to see a figure in a long white trench coat standing in the doorway. Long raven black hair hung loose down it's gore streaked coat as it took it's hood off to reveal a feminine face that evoked the word Hesperides. The two small but razor sharp horns on it's skull did not detract but magnified it's beauty. I felt my heart swell achingly again at the mere sight of the figure.

"I almost forgot your lily blue eyes," Three voices spoke at once from it's thin, blood red lips, as it gazed at the cashier.

Before turning that gaze to me. One corner of those blood red lips curved upward into what looked like a crooked smile as a third horn rose between the two smaller ones. At the tip of the third horn was an open eye that didn't just look at me. It felt as though it were looking into my very soul, seeing all my memories, and feeling all my emotions. Searching. It must have found what it was looking for as the figure's lips turned into a full smile.

"Do you want to live?" It asked.

The masculine part of the three voices was dominant in that simple question. A very simple yes or no question that barely reached to me in my current state of...was it fear or maybe even excitement? I didn't care which it was. And I-

"I don't care," I had finally said in a calm voice as I looked from it's third eye to it's two magnificent fiery yellow eyes.

I stared into those eyes, unflinching, almost forgetting everything until it pointed one clawed finger at the hanging limbs. I looked at them to see they weren't flailing anymore. And slowly one of them begin to fall to the floor with a thud. And then one by one they began to fall. I braced myself against the ones above me and flung them off before quickly looking back the door way to see the figure was gone.

I heard a sickly crunching nose and looked back at the casher and saw that she was impaled by one of the limbs sharp bone piercing completely out of the back side of her head. I watched almost without a single emotion as she tried to pry it out of her head before the movements became weaker and weaker and finally stopped as she gurgled up blood and fell back against the wall.

Almost without a single emotion but the sudden fiery burn in my chest that I needed to engage in as I stood up and waded through the limbs to the doors. The ringer went off as I stepped out into the cold night and was greeted with fresh cold air. I looked around desperately before seeing the figure standing by the street light, patiently waiting. I felt my heart swell achingly again and the emotion set afire as it raised it's clawed hand and waved invitingly at me.

I stared into Prosperine's fiery yellow eyes, never feeling as calm as then, and took it's invitation into a world beyond our own as I begin to walk to it.
Anonymous
d9e2bc6
?
No.302356
302416
>>302300
Have read it once now. It reminded me of Lovecraft's Shadow of innsmouth where the protagonist *spoilers* decides to join the dagons in the end.
Anonymous
8d4805c
?
No.302416
>>302356
Interesting! Thanks fren. I love delving into cosmic horror and the comparison with one of Lovecraft's stories is nice!
Anonymous
e5a47d5
?
No.302797
302798 303014
cat-and-mouse-friends-12-1.jpg
There was once a cat and a mouse. They loved to play catch together. The mouse used to chased the cat around the garden.

One day the mouse asked the cat, ”Can't you chase me this time? I always chase.”

The cat paused for a moment and then said, ”No.”

The mouse pleaded, ”Come on, please. It will be fun.”

”Okay,” said the cat.

The cat chased the mouse around the garden. At first the cat chased the mouse slowly, but the more time passed the faster he ran.

In the end the cat caught the mouse and ate the mouse. Then he laid in the garden and cried.
Anonymous
e5a47d5
?
No.302798
302817
>>302797
*Should be, "he lied in the garden," at the end.
Anonymous
2419c30
?
No.302817
302834 302835 303016 305218
IWantToWrite.jpeg
I have a question on how you write longer-form stories. I came up with an idea lately for a book-length story but rather than write front-to-back I've been noting down anything interesting that pops into my head then trying to string them into a broader plot to flesh out later. Obviously "write down anything that sounds cool" is the fast track to bloated fanfiction but I plan to trim anything that doesn't fit. I know a lot of writers compose an ending before the beginning (which I've also done) but does anyone else use this method? My justification is that if I worry over dialogue, behaviorisms and transitions now I'll forget about important plot points. Or maybe it's just the reverse of English classes where I distilled books into their basic components.

>>299488
>An Anon on this site wrote a story called, "Castle of Vapor." I shill it whenever I can, that should tell you what I think about it.
I tried searching for it but no dice. Where can I read it?

>>300997
I'm impressed by your use of symbolism as an homage/riff and I hope I can pull something similar off. I didn't even know $5000 bills existed (I knew $1000 existed from a movie) but apparently Hamilton was also on a $1000 bill at one point. Someone with a passion for history or political science could probably use Hamilton/Madison's antagonism (Hamilton was a Federalist while Madison was an Anti-Federalist) as something incidental or relevant to the story.

>>301478
I like this and its use of a literary twist. Only problem is that the audience may recognize it's actually a dream long before Sunset does; a more sudden change or more subtle hints of Luna would remedy this.
>Wait, that's not right, she thought.
Thoughts can be italicized an easy hotkey to use here is Ctrl+I. Also I'd combine it with the eyebrow adjustment because Sunset's likely doing these things at the same time.

>>302300
This is amazing and it's a good example of horror. Prosperine asking a boolean question and responding with a third answer reminds me of a Japanese horror figure who appears to people in bathroom stalls and asks them if they want red or blue toilet paper (Japan is a weird place). I don't know if that was your inspiration but there's similarity there.
However,
>I watched almost without a single emotion as she tried to pry it out of her head before the movements became weaker and weaker and finally stopped as she gurgled up blood and fell back against the wall.
I won't lie: this actually made me laugh. The problem with gore in horror is that too much of it loops back around to being funny again. Some horror movies and books actually take advantage of this to add some dark levity, but I don't think that's what you were going with. This would have worked better if the cashier had died suddenly with a look of horror imprinted on her face; realistically if something impales you through the back of your head you won't even be able to move afterwards.

>>302798
Actually it should be "he lay in the garden"
Anonymous
38b14c8
?
No.302834
303080
what the actual fuck am I writing seriously the final.pdf
>>302817
>Castle of Vapor
>Where can I read it?
While this guy, >>300997
has an updated version for you. I have the version I read as file attached.
>Only problem is that the audience may recognize it's actually a dream long before Sunset does; a more sudden change or more subtle hints of Luna would remedy this.
I'm not exactly sure what the problem is. Could you elborate?
>Also I'd combine it with the eyebrow adjustment because Sunset's likely doing these things at the same time.
Good point.
>Japanese horror figure who appears to people in bathroom stalls and asks them if they want red or blue toilet paper (Japan is a weird place)
"Have you accepted jesus christ as your personal savior?" "No, I'm jewish."
>Ctrl+I
I know. I used it in the document on my computer but that didn't transfer when moving to the textbox for posting and so I forgot about changing changing it.
>Actually it should be "he lay in the garden"
Its funny. I'm pretty sure that I looked up something when I wrote this that used this. Maybe I just read it wrong (Highest probability). But they seemed to imply that lied was a version of the word. But I found another site that explained it to me.
Still though it sounds much better with lied here.
Anonymous
38b14c8
?
No.302835
>>302817
>Pic
But with hooves how can you?
Anonymous
8d4805c
?
No.303014
>>302797
Quite poetic Anon. Good job!
Anonymous
8d4805c
?
No.303016
>>302817
Thanks anon. I was going for cosmic horror with this and wanted to add a touch of surrealism
Anonymous
ca05b75
?
No.303080
LowrieMysteryOfTheDruids.jpg
>>302834
Oh, nice! I read through all of it last night and I'm honestly quite impressed. Haven't read many mysteries so maybe I'm not the best judge, but it's great "neo-noir" is the term used correctly here? and the twist ending actually got me. I like the social commentary which, though laid on thick, is actually funny rather than preachy. Everyone is a twisted, decrepit version of a man, including the protagonist. He talks to imaginary ponies in his head, and not even show-accurate ones as they have one-note personalities I'm sure this is intentional as they exist to break the tension and ease loneliness, yet the rest of society is more insane or miserable in comparison while being pretty accurate to real life. I also find it funny how he's totally useless apart from a few flukes of insight: he can't fight, he can't charm, he doesn't have great perception, he can't even dodge. Most of the time the plot is moved along by the other characters and he's just along for the ride--often unwillingly. That's not a bad thing at all. I will say though that irony was narrowly dodged when this homeless-hating man wasn't treated like a hobo despite looking just like one.

The protagonist reminds somewhat of Det. Brent Halligan from "The Mystery of the Druids," as they're both NEETs (practically speaking) who hate the homeless, find 3D women difficult, eat junk food all the time, and are knowledgeable about conspiracy theories. To the author: was that game an inspiration at all? If not, what a bizarre yet blessed coincidence.

All in all, I'm no literary critic but it's masterfully done. I'll share it with any friends who can stand the humor.
Anonymous
ca05b75
?
No.303081
303086
Also I've got another question: are there any guides on how to write scenes to convey a certain emotional impact without being too hammy? I want to be able to write action scenes that don't end up being repetitive schlock, tearful dialogues that don't become maudlin, horror scenes that don't leave the reader confused, and feel-good scenes that aren't just empty filler. What are some good examples for each I could refer to?
Anonymous
6a4c3f2
?
No.303086
303096
>>303081
My view, that I realized a few days ago, is that one should write one's own vision. As in, you shouldn't use midpoint-reversals to make the midpoint of your story more intresting but because that is were you wanna go in the first place.
Your narrative should only be what you want it to be about and from there you provide reasons for why scenes happened in the first place.
So the answer to your question I guess is to allways justify your scenes existnce in your narrative.
But in my mind, you shouldn't be looking at trying to manipulate emotions but you should look at creating scenarios because you like them.
For example, now I'm going to write a small action scene in mlp because I want to and that's it. If this makes the reader excited or whatever emotion they gain from reading this that is up to them and I don't care.
Kek, I sure do like the sound of my own voice.
Anonymous
6a4c3f2
?
No.303096
>>303086
>now I'm going to write a small action scene in mlp because I want to and that's it.
Well, I wrote 300 words. It's not done yet but I do have an outline.
Anonymous
c34875b
?
No.303240
303367
d3630a63913f62f0d8bb4d14999b171c.jpg
I never finish anything so I never get anything posted. But I wanted to post this, even if unfinished. Do you think the style of writing here is colorful?

The air over the street seemed to boil. The cobblestone street's stones were yellow as if they were in a furnace. The roaring was the loudest but the patter and popping of the flames consuming adjacent houses could also be heard. A window shattered and a pony jumped from the second store of a building ou onthe otherside, as far away from the blindingly hot street.

Sooth covered a horn and small flame still danced along the tip of it. The unicorn the horn belong to narrowed her green eyes. As she did this, her entire face tensed up; he cheeks pushed inwards and up, and the lower jaw of her mouth moved forward, displaying teeth.

The focus of her gaze jumped around over the street.

Flames the sizes of trees were tore down the roof of a well. After having its beautifully carved pillars burn to charcoal the rest of roof caved in on itself. An annoying scrapping sound echoed out of the well as the ceramic tiles of the mini roof bounced down the well's pipe.

The sound was replaced by another sound, the sound of thunder. The ceramic pieces and burning wood were shot out of the well like a vulcano. They scatter into the air as a bolt lightning zigzagged into the sky. The lightning disappeared into clouds above but just a few seconds after it had, the clouds gathered around the area.

The unicorn mare was hit by a couple raindrops that traveled over her tense face. Her gaze were now entirely focused on the well where the lightning had appeared out of. She only let herself shudder a bit as the clouds sent a downpour her way so huge that it extinguised the fires in a mere minute but also darkened her fur.
Anonymous
8d4805c
?
No.303367
>>303240
>The air over the street seemed to boil. The cobblestone street's stones were yellow as if they were in a furnace. The roaring was the loudest but the patter and popping of the flames consuming adjacent houses could also be heard.
Nice, strong opening anon. I like it

>A window shattered and a pony jumped from the second store of a building ou onthe otherside, as far away from the blindingly hot street.
Out on the otherside*

>The unicorn the horn belong to narrowed her green eyes
Her emerald green eyes*
Simple description adds a lot.

>As she did this, her entire face tensed up; he cheeks pushed inwards and up, and the lower jaw of her mouth moved forward, displaying teeth.
Her cheeks pushed inwards*

>The focus of her gaze jumped around over the street.
The focus of her gaze jumped over the street*

>Flames the sizes of trees were tore down the roof of a well.
The inferno of flames the size of trees tore down the roof as well*

I fixed what I can. The rest is good though Anon. Keep sharpening your writing skills every day. Even if it's just random scribbles. Think of the skill like a muscle.
Anonymous
35a04fd
?
No.304053
304054
Malekith.pdf
Not that it matters but my writing improve significantly lately. Just check this out. (set in heroes 3)
I feel comfortable writing and describing scenes now for the, like, the first time.
Anonymous
35a04fd
?
No.304054
>>304053
>Not that it matters
Actually, fuck that self-depricating garbage. Of course, it fucking matters. Suck my dick. As in, if you don't think so. Otherwise, you are free to not.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
aa71f95
?
No.304349
304357
MV5BOTI1Mjg2MTQ4OV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwMTk0Mzc5MjE@._V1_UY1200_CR485,0,630,1200_AL_.jpg
Sven, here are my thoughts on that thing you posted in my thread:
https://mlpol.net/images/src/833506EA00EFE2612DCE66408F4B8840-76793.pdf

>A green man grabbed a plastic tube with a mouthpiece at one of its ends.
>The green man brought the mouthpiece to his mouth and simultaneously as he pressed a button on it, he took a breath in.
The words "green man" and "mouthpiece" appear in the first sentence and are repeated again in the second; this is redundant. You could use "he" and "it" in the second sentence and it would be clear enough what you are talking about. Also, the wording is a bit awkward. Try this:
>A green man grabbed a plastic tube with a mouthpiece at one of its ends.
>He brought it to his mouth, pressed a button and simultaneously took a breath.

> Grey gas with jolts of electricity appearing inside it.
Be careful about verb tense. I'm assuming what you meant to say here was "Grey gas with jolts of electricity appeared inside it;" however, as it's currently written it's a sentence fragment.

Anyway, despite the ever-present ESL issues that make your wording awkward not your fault, of course, but as ever it is really difficult not to notice, the story starts off with a rather interesting opening scene. It appears to be an Anon story, as the protagonist is referred to as "a green man," and at the moment the story begins he appears to be...smoking a breezy. As far as I can tell, the breezy is placed in some kind of bong-like device, and when a button is pressed, it sends an electrical charge into it. This causes the breezy to emit some kind of dust or smoke that gives Anon a nice buzz.

Incidentally, I notice that you refer to the creature in the bong as a "breeze." From the context of the passage and the description you give of it I'm assuming this is a creature like pic related. Technically, these things are called "breezies" (singular would be "breezy"), and while it's clear enough what you're talking about, you may want to correct this.

Anyway, it's a little difficult to get a picture of what's going on in the very early part of this story, but we do get some clues as to what we're going to be reading. As I mentioned, the story seems to revolve around Anon, or at least a humanoid character with green skin and black hair. An early reference to an Overmare suggests that this is probably set in the FoE universe. Later on, a character named LittlePip is referenced, which seems to confirm this. Descriptions of the setting also make this clear.

Slowly, the picture becomes clearer. After taking a hit off of his breezy-bong, Anon turns his attention to a phoenix and a cockatrice, who appear to be his pets or his servitors. They are named Huginn and Muninn, presumably after Odin's ravens. Though it's a little unclear at the beginning where all of this is taking place (I was initially envisioning this scene taking place in Anon's living room, since he appears comfortable and it's mentioned that one of the birds is sitting on a pillow), it's gradually revealed that Anon and his pets are in a dark alley.

Anon peers forward at a skyscraper, protected by a curtain wall with guard towers set at intervals. He observes guards in the towers, and sends his cockatrice, Muninn, to dispatch them by turning them to stone.

>A while later, the other tower next to Dark Bark's was occupied by a zebra mare with scare across her face, got a call for her over the radio.
This is unclear for several reasons. First off, I'm assuming that a "zebra mare with scare across her face" was a typo, and you meant to say that she had a scar across her face. However, owing to ESL issues again, I also considered the possibility that you meant to say that she had a frightened expression on her face. Whichever it is, you should make sure to correct this wording so the meaning is clear. Second, the time frame in which this is happening is a bit murky. How soon is "a while later?" Are we talking seconds, minutes, hours? I'm assuming that the cockatrice disabled the guards, and then a short time later this zebra, who is presumably their captain or supervisor, came to check on them. We need to have a clearer idea of how much time elapses between one event and the other. Third, the phrase "got a call for her over the radio" is ambiguous. Who exactly was the call for? I'm assuming it was the zebra, as Dark Bark is referred to as a stallion, but you may want to consider rewording this.

Anyway, there is a brief conversation between the zebra and whoever she is communicating with on the radio, in which she mentions that Dark Bark (the stallion guard) is unusually still. She goes to take a closer look at him and realizes he has been turned to stone, but by the time she realizes this, it appears to be too late. She encounters a pair of yellow eyes, presumably the cockatrice again, and is turned to stone herself. The scene ends with a page break.

At this point, Muninn returns to Anon, who puts a blindfold over its eyes. He now sends Huginn, the phoenix, off on some yet-unexplained task, carrying some kind of glowing metal ball in its claws. Meanwhile, Anon begins to screw with some kind of bizarre rifle, that also projects a hologram, with a map or something on it...uh...this part is pretty unclear. You obviously have a specific image in your head that you're attempting to describe, but I really can't picture what this rifle is supposed to look like, nor can I follow what exactly Anon is trying to do with it.

Huginn, meanwhile, flies over the unguarded wall. A group of stallions have exited the skyscraper, presumably alerted by the zebra's distress call on the radio. They don't seem to notice Huginn flying overhead, which seems odd since he is a phoenix (which glow, as I seem to recall), and he is carrying an obtrusive, light-emitting ball in his claws. As far as I can tell, the ball is some kind of scanning device, that records the positions of the guards and sends the data back to Anon's hologram-rifle.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
aa71f95
?
No.304357
304374
>>304349

Using the data from Huginn's scanning ball, Anon is able to lock onto one of the guards. He fires his weird rifle, which blasts some kind of super-powered laser beam through the wall and hits the guard dead-on.

>Killing him by the fact that the beam didn't all land in one place and more traveled across his body, causing his body to be sliced apart through erosion.
Once again, it's clear that you have a very specific image in your mind of what is happening, but you're struggling to describe it, and clarity suffers. "Erosion" in any case is completely the wrong word to use here; it refers to the slow process of stone or earth formations being whittled down by the elements, such as the carving of a riverbed. I get the impression that whatever is happening to this guard is happening pretty much instantaneously, whereas "erosion" implies a very slow and gradual process.

Anyway, Anon dispatches the remaining guards using the same process, and his bird flies into the building. He makes his way rather easily to the top of a staircase, owing to the fact that Anon is able to lock onto and destroy any guards that attempt to stop him. Meanwhile, on the top floor, a changeling guard is observing all of this (presumably with some kind of radar or surveillance system, although this is not really made clear). He recognizes Anon's weapon as a "thaumoniator."

He takes a shotgun, goes out into the corridor, and blasts Huginn as soon as he appears. This destroys both the phoenix (who I'm assuming will just be born again somewhere), and the scanner (which I'm assuming is permanently destroyed). Anon seems to regard this as a minor setback at most. The scene ends in a page break.

The next scene appears to begin a short time later. The changeling guard is now ordering a defensive perimeter to be set up around the building, but is concerned that it is taking far too long.

>But it was taking time, too much time. Too much had happened already at this point that he didn't even remotely believe in normal delays.
You best start believing in normal delays; you're in one.

Anyway, the changeling appears to be heading downstairs to check on his guards, when he encounters the cockatrice. It's unclear where exactly this meeting takes place.

>He couldn't do anything except what was right in front of him, which was a half-hen, half-lizard creature staring at him.
I'm assuming you intended to word this differently; otherwise, this is potentially the weirdest clopfic ever written.

The perspective now switches to Anon, who has entered the building. The opposition appears to have been dealt with in one way or another. He comes across the changeling stallion, who has been turned to stone. Apparently, despite being stone, he is still conscious.

>The changeling also so how the rifle that man had on his back stuck up into view over his shoulder.
What?

The stallion takes note of Anon's thaumoniator, but being stone, he can do little else. I'm still a little curious what the hell a thaumoniator is exactly; initially I assumed it was a reference to something from Fallout or maybe another similar game, but nothing comes up when I google it and I've never come across this word before.

>”Think, Mcfly. Think,” and then he proceeded to wape breeze dust again before leaving.
This actually ties into some of what I was saying about external references in an earlier post in my review thread (see >>304126 → and >>304306 → and probably some other related posts that I'm too lazy to go back and look up by number). The line that Anon speaks here is, of course, a reference to Back to the Future, which has no direct connection to either MLP or Fallout. One might be tempted to declare this an illegal reference for that reason; however, in this case one would be wrong. Though we don't know the Anon character's origin in this story, if we assume that he has the typical Anon backstory (regular guy from our world gets transported to Equestria somehow), then the character would most likely be familiar with that movie and its dialogue. Thus, it's a perfectly legitimate use of an external pop culture reference.

I bring this up because it conveniently relates to something I was just dealing with in Fallout: Equestria. In one scene, Littlepip makes a reference to a line of dialogue from MLP: "It was under 'E'!" In the show, this line was spoken by Pinkie Pie while the group was searching for a particular book. Superficially one might think that a reference to a line from MLP would be more relevant in an MLP story than a line from Back to the Future, but in this case it isn't. Though the Marty McFly line is referencing something completely outside the universe of the story, there's a plausible explanation for why this Anon character might know the line. Conversely, even though Pinkie Pie was a character who once existed in LP's universe, and the "under 'E'" line would be a quote of something she actually said, there is no valid in-world reason for Littlepip to have heard this quote or to know what it means, and thus no reason for her to reference it. I'm going a bit off the rails here so I don't want to stay on this topic for too long, but here you've provided a very nice example of something I was literally just talking about, so I felt it was worth pointing out. There is a based way and a cringe way to do pop culture references, and I'm happy to inform you that your reference here is of the former variety.

One more thing about this line before moving on:

>he proceeded to wape breeze dust again before leaving.
I'm assuming you meant to say "vape" here. "Wape" is what happened to Bugs Bunny after he teased Elmer Fudd in trap getup one too many times.

Anyway, after making fun of the "stoned" guard while taking another breezy bong-rip, he searches the skyscraper until he finds a cluster of prison cells in the basement. He calls out that he is looking for a specific prisoner, and will free the others if they tell him where she is.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
9442bfe
?
No.304374
304376
>>304357

>The prisoner didn't seem to grasp what was happening and was therefore silent.
Earlier you mention multiple prisoners (plural), but here you refer to "the prisoner" (singular) as if there were only one. This makes things a bit confusing.

Anyway, it turns out that Anon is searching for a filly named Cookiehead Junior.

>”I'm here to bring her back to her parents. They hired me for the quiet the sum.”
I'm assuming this should say "they hired me for quite the sum."

There is some murmuring among the prisoners, and then one of them speaks up. Unsurprisingly, it turns out to be the filly that Anon is searching for. He asks her if she would be interested in taking a hit from the breezy bong, which does not much appeal to her. A cookie, however, turns out to be more her style. At this moment, the phoenix reemerges as a baby in a plastic bag that Anon is carrying. I'm not sure if the text actually mentions somewhere that he was carrying a bag; if not you may want to fix this.

Anon informs the filly that her parents have sent him to rescue her, and asks her if she would like to pet his baby phoenix. She accepts, and the story ends.

---

Alright, so here is my reaction. As is typical with Sven-fiction, I find myself divided. On the one hand, this is a very nicely constructed story, and I enjoyed what I understood of it. On the other hand, your English is as atrocious as ever, to the point where this is damn near impossible to read.

I'll go ahead and make a comparison between your writing and kkat's, partly because I'm currently reading his story and partly because your story is set in his universe, so it invites the comparison. I've presently read about 200,000 words of Fallout: Equestria, and kkat still has not gotten to anything resembling a point. Despite its length and complexity, there is no coherent underlying plot; events happen, and then more events happen, and it just keeps going and going like that.

Conversely, this story clocks in at a mere 3,192 words, and yet it manages to tell a complete story from start to finish. We have a character, Anon, who for some reason is attempting to infiltrate a building. He clearly has some experience doing things like this, and manages to blast his way inside fairly effortlessly. By the end, we learn why he was doing this: he had been hired to find a filly, who for some reason is one of a large number of prisoners locked up in the basement. By the end of the story, all of our significant questions are answered: we know who this mysterious green man is (Anon), and we know why he is attacking this building (he needed to rescue the filly). He completes his objective, and all necessary loose ends are tied up. Even the issue of the phoenix, who is apparently sacrificed in battle, is resolved: at the end of the story, he is reborn. Nothing is out of balance at the end of this story, and it ends on a satisfying note.

At the same time, there are unexplained details that the reader is probably curious about should you wish to continue the story: why is the filly in prison? Who hired Anon? How did Anon get here? How did he manage to acquire this advance weaponry, and train a cockatrice, and so forth? What was this skyscraper, who were the creatures that were guarding it, what's the deal with this setting, etc etc? The story resolves itself well enough to work as a piece of standalone fiction, but at the same time there is enough material here that you could expand this into a longer work if you wanted to.

Another thing that struck me about this is that Anon is a surprisingly complex character. This is particularly impressive due to the short length of the work, the fact that Anon has few spoken lines, the fact that the story is mostly action-driven, and the fact that your prose is incoherent to the point of being nearly unreadable.

Anon in this work is an intriguing guy. He seamlessly blends stealth tactics with insane blowing-shit-up-as-loudly-as-possible tactics, and for all the death and chaos he deals out here he seems pretty relaxed and easygoing about everything he does. He is morally complex: on the one hand, he kills or petrifies nearly everyone in this skyscraper and seems pretty cavalier about doing it. On the other hand, he shows kindness to the filly, and seems to have a good rapport with his animal companions. Taming a phoenix and a cockatrice would be both dangerous and time consuming, and would likely be impossible were he unable to make the animals trust him. He is basically a natural anarchist: he seems to view good and evil as interchangeable, and that's assuming he even thinks in those terms at all. Though he slaughtered his enemies pretty ruthlessly, he doesn't try to justify it and he doesn't take any sadistic pleasure in it either; he simply had a job to do, the guards were in his way, and he dealt with them. His ultimate goal proved noble enough to make him likable, even if some people might regard his methods as a little over the top.

For contrast, consider how kkat's Littlepip might have handled this situation. We'd probably get several paragraphs of inner monologue from her denouncing the skyscraper guards as irredeemable monsters who deserve to die, followed by several paragraphs of her relishing bathing in their blood as she slaughters them in the most gory and inhumane way possible. After that, there would be a lot of angsty, "oh the horror" type whining over all the brutal killing she just did, followed by crying and tenderness at learning that the filly was indeed safe. Kkat tries so hard to make readers like his protagonist, yet he mostly succeeds in making her even more obnoxious and Mary Sue-like. Conversely, your Anon is just naturally likable, and it feels like he wouldn't even give a shit if you told him that. He doesn't question his actions, he just acts. If you want to write a likable edgelord hero, this is how you go about doing it.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
9442bfe
?
No.304376
304378 304612
>>304374

Anyway, my overall reaction to this is basically the same as my reaction to other things you've written. You clearly have a natural knack for how to construct and tell a story; the biggest problem is that your English sucks. Kkat, for comparison, tends to have the opposite problem: he has enough basic mastery of language to write well, he just has no idea what to write about.

Of these two problems, yours is the better to have. If you could nail down the language well enough to write prose at about the level kkat does, you could easily write circles around him; conversely, if kkat's grammar was like yours, it would transform his shit story into a nigh unreadable shit story.

You clearly know what you want to say with your writing, you just struggle to actually say it. Unfortunately though, this is a fairly large disadvantage, as there is a limited pool of readers who are willing to slog their way through this much sludgy language just to find a diamond in the rough at the center. This is part of the reason I would recommend you read more the other part being that I just generally think people should try to read more. The more English prose you absorb, the more you'll begin to pick up the subtle nuances of language, which will greatly enhance your ability to bring your ideas to life.
Anonymous
a8e631b
?
No.304378
304454
>>304376
The alternative would be to partner with an editor on some level, who could go over the story and clarify/streamline the aspects that are 'less fluent/native' english.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
9442bfe
?
No.304454
304490
>>304378
This is actually very good advice. You may want to consider this, although the downside is that most editors charge, so unless you can expect to make money with your writing it may not be practical.
Anonymous
613c6bf
?
No.304488
304612
I've barely written anything since early highschool. I used to to a lot of horror, romance and fantasy stories in my free time. Was a half-decent decent artist too, although it was all on paper.
It feels like I've lost all my motivation to restart what used to be my biggest hobby. Does anybody have some advice for what a rusty faggot like me can do to respark my creativity? I feel like I need to learn to write all over again.
Anonymous
a8e631b
?
No.304490
304612
>>304454
Most professional editors charge, that's true. However, I can think of at least one thinktank that even might appeal to, given the often sedentary nature of its participants
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.304585
304586 304589
How do you subtly insert redpills into your story without making the entire setting revolve around shoving them into the audience's face?
I'm working on one story that revolves around shoving redpills into the audience's face, and an action-comedy "shonen anime-ish" kind of comic that should be more subtle about it.
Anonymous
151a159
?
No.304586
304587
>>304585
I would advise modelling character flaws or enemy archetypes after modern-day problems or making them a disguised metaphor. For example, a story's antagonists behaving more like Jews rather than an "Evil Empire" would work, such as the aliens from "They Live!," the Bloats from Zoombinis, or the Phezzan Dominion from "Legends of the Galactic Heroes," though to my knowledge none are intentionally modeled after Jews. Other idea consists of pitiable characters who mutilate themselves to be something they can never be (even if gender is never mentioned), pressured to do so from childhood trauma or social influence; obviously these are based on trannies.
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.304587
304589 304590
>>304586
If one city had winged animal-people who were guilted into chopping their own wings off, thinking it would stop them from being bullied by their inferior ground-bound animal-people peers, while some ground-bound idiots wore fake wings or stitched fake wings onto their body thinking it could make them fly, would that be too on-the-nose?
Anonymous
5ff6779
?
No.304589
304594
1503809.png
Shorteningthename.gif
>>304585
For this Political Ponerology has some clear defined motives. Defence against the psychopath is handy as well. If it's a broad rule that always works it can be anywhere in almost any form.
(((They))) always make their own worst enemy due to their nature. They will do almost anything for their ideology (it is what keeps normal people at bay).
They are always in an us vs them situation.
The red pill is applied truth. As a statistical guideline there is almost always exceptions and there is a reason why stereotypes exist.
The type of Whatever Industry says a lot about the society, but WHO has that and Why is something to consider as well.

>>304587
How serious is the story?
Anonymous
151a159
?
No.304590
>>304587
Darn it, I was going to use that idea in my story
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.304594
304597 304598
>>304589
That's one of many things I'm struggling to decide.
While cleaning I found an ancient script I wrote for a RWBY knockoff before I turned 16. A lot of it is derivative uncreative shit but some unique ideas are worth remaking the project as a 97% original thing with what I currently know about writing and politics and worldbuilding.

When I initially wrote this I planned to just rip off the only nine shows I'd ever seen to make something completely uninspired aside from cool original fight scenes.
I even planned on ripping off "Aura" from RWBY. In RWBY everyone important has "Aura", a fighting game health bar. It's an invisible forcefield that comes from their soul and absorbs incoming damage so people can get stabbed/slashed many times in a fight without shedding a single drop of blood or taking any visible damage, until you run out of aura from all those stabs/slashes, then you're in danger. It's basically Ki from DBZ except you can't train to improve it or fire beams made of it. Unless your Semblance (One superpower per person, consumes Aura when used, typically something simple like Super Speed or Shadow Clones, most people lack superpowers) is to fire beams.
But rewatching DBZ Kai made me realize the Saiyan Saga's fights (People get injured and tired, injuries matter, by the end of it everyone's exhausted) feel cooler than the later fights where heroes fight invincible regenerating brick walls until their attacks are allowed to finish the baddie for good. That "struggling against overwhelmingly invincible foes" bit was only cool when Trunks fought the Androids.
So maybe I won't put Aura in this story. Or maybe I'll make it more like Kill La Kill's "rule of cool" armour so people can still get injured and bleed in fights while losing more blood than a human body could possibly have. Haven't decided yet.

anyway here's what I've got for the setting so far:
In a hellish fantasy world full of big monsters (nature is bad) there are small city-states full of people but no organized government because the monsters make travel immensely dangerous. Most people are fearful sheep or cogs in someone's machine but there are cool strong individuals with big weapons and unique superpowers(you get your superpower by being an individual with willpower instead of a sheep/cog) who go out and fight monsters in cool fight scenes.
Many city-states are high-tax authoritarian shitholes that suck so much that some people willingly risk death by starting new homes and towns on the frontier (closer to nature, nature is bad) to be farmers and town guards, even though frontier towns aren't as well-defended as major towns.
The hero was a military police guy for one city-state that drafts its kids to indoctrinate them, but whenever he was given orders he didn't like such as "Hurt innocents" he made sure the innocents got away. Also he ploughed many sluts in his spare time and his goal in life was to fuck one of every fuckable sentient humanoid species but he becomes a morally good person who loves monogamy once the story starts. Not sure why, maybe he meets the right woman and gets in a proper relationship with her.
He is on a quest that means he fights monsters while travelling the world to visit assorted city-states (while solving their problems or the problems of people in them) so he can gather a number of Important Things (Dragon Balls or Pokemon Gym Badges or Chaos Emeralds or something like that) because gathering them will save the world from some looming disaster somehow. The "Team Rocket" (evil organization) of this setting is jews and commies who try to subvert host nations and are behind everything bad that ever happened ever.

I've been thinking of adding an illegal made-up drug that makes you black, stupid, and aggressive until it wears off but that seemed too on-the-nose.
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.304597
304598
>>304594
oh yeah also
the hero is white and his religion is correct but worshipping that god is illegal in most city-states
the good god made the Important Things
and the existence of the Important Things is a secret thanks to the jews trying to hide them because they save the world and the jews want to conquer the world
Anonymous
151a159
?
No.304598
304603
>>304594
>>304597
Read the lore of this, maybe you can get inspiration: https://lfwb.ru/index.php?title=EN
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.304603
304605 304612
>>304598
Thank you
is it right to make up a fictional religion for the good guys to follow? I figured if they followed a real one like Christianity fans wouldn't be willing to give it a shot unless they already liked Christianity. But if they follow the holy Flodismadfer The Kindness And Sun God in a world where the baddies follow Shnii The War And Rape God the normies won't have a pre-programmed overemotional reaction to it.
Anonymous
a8e631b
?
No.304605
>>304603
I'd advise respecting your audience. If you wish to convey a message, dont infantilize it; your contempt for people who dont see things along the same lines is palpable, and is inappropriate for an author who wants their audience to enjoy their media. Dont lecture to people, and dont assume 'they'll get it, otherwise fuck them'.
In short, there is no simple solution, or easy fix.
If you want to make quality media, make quality media. There are no shortcuts or quick fixes,.
Anonymous
7935afc
?
No.304612
>>304603
>is it right to make up a fictional religion for the good guys to follow?
Yes.
>normies won't have a pre-programmed overemotional reaction to it
Yes, I think disguising things, or messages, so they cannot just be dismissed by their cover through stigmatization is the way to go.
>>304376
Thank you so much for your input. It was really helpful to me.
I haven't check your thread since I posted there, I will stand by my vow. I hope that you didn't interpret my quips at reviewing as something against you. I was mostly talking about myself and some of my persepctive. However, never ger me wrong. You're great and impressive and inspirational in what you do in your thread. It just isn't for me.

I hope to show you something greater next time senpai.
>>304490
>thinktank
Who?
Thank you for the input. I think I'll hold off on having an editor until I have improved a lot and write a bit more too.
I thought I would have proofread this but didn't end up happening. The time I should have spent proofreading this story was spent on another but it that proofreading was never finished so I posted this sotry instead, iirc.
>>304488
Well, I got an idea but since I have failed every commitment ever, we're going to keep that in mind.
How about I start a scene off right now and you just continue it. I'm not ready to go for another write-chain considering how the last one ended. with me bailing out, like the first one. But I guess I shouldn't beat myself up so hard and instead see them as minor setbacks insteadof doomsday failures but whatever

Okay, so if you feel up for it, continue this story post with one of your own.

---

The sounds of wooden chairs scraping and the chatter of customers filled Becky's pub this morning. Rays of sun light fell down through the windows in the ceiling and onto the many tables beneath.

"Hey, Becky! Another round over here!" shouted a green bipedal and gestured with its hand on an empty ale mug.

The white and brown hippogriff behind the bar nodded so her few brown feathers making up her cock's comb on her otherwise white head bounced. She unscrewed a cork from a bottle of Emerald's Whisker's whiskey and poured the green beverage into two ale mugs so foam rose to their edges and slided down the sides.

The hippogriff raised her head up and looked towards the table with the green woman with beautiful raven hair sat.

"Anon, is it just you and Easy Weather? Or does Snappy want some more as well?" Becky, the hippogriff, asked.

At the green human woman's side sat a red pegasus with and orange mane. She was wearing black leather jacket and sunglasses and her orange mane was a jagged mohawk (or whatever they are called in american) that looked like an orange bolt of lightning from the side. Next to her sat, perched in its seat, an brown eagle easily the size of a pony and just a bit smaller (unless, one includes wingspan because then the eagle would be bigger) than Anon herself. The eagle was currently picking up fish out of a small bucket and then shallowing them whole.

The red pegasus peeked over the edge of the bucket. She saw the bottom and there were only a few fishes left. She glanced at the eagle.

She smiled before she even began to speak, "Snappy, would you like some more?"

The eagle immedieately began to nuzzle the pegasus neck causing her to burst out in a fits of giggles.

"Haha, okay. Okay. Okay. I'll give you some more, just stop hehe." The mare lightly and playfully pushed the eagle away with her hooves while she laughed as if she just been tickled. The eagle seemed satified. The pegasus waved a hoof towards Becky and nodded. "Another bucket would be great."

Becky had smiled at the display and when she got the green light, she dissapeared to a room in the back and later returned with bucket of fish on her back. She brought it and tray (held in her beck) with the two mugs of green whiskey I just realized. Mugs of whiskey. Either its super weak or Anon will be walking funny. and the bucket of fish on her back.

Becky had barely put the bucket down before Snappy dug into it. Easy tossed Becky some spiral shells and the hippogriff return to work behind the bar.

That's when it happened. The door to the pub opened and in stepped a unicorn dressed in a green cloak with trail of fabric dragging after on the floor. Behind her, in the air, floating was a red eye as big as a head with a socket that flailed around eight tentacles with red and straight spikes at their ends. Smal jolts of electricity skipped between the tentacles.

Anon, who was just taking a swig of her whiskey, stopped drinking and wiped of the green liquid around her lips with the back of her hand.

"Ara ara," she said and smirked as the newcomer.

Easy inhaled and looked at the the unicorn with a serious look.

"Yes," she said. "She is finally here."
Anonymous
91f5b89
?
No.304776
304777
I drag my tongue across Fluttershy's yellow cheeks. She is so fucking tasty! Fluttershy is the best pony clearly. I know I'm lonely in having this opinion but as the old swedish saying goes, "Ten-thousend flies can't be wrong, shit taste nice."

I just wanted fuck hug her. Sadly, that will never be the case, even though I'm here in Equestria with her next to me.

"Goodboy Anon, now sit," Fluttershy says.

I sigh inwardly and and put my furry green butt on the floor. That's right, I'm dog Anon and you just punked by a narrative trick foo!

I just realized that I like Flutterhy better than Pinkie.
Anonymous
746194b
?
No.304777
304778
>>304776
>implying Fluttershy doesn't fuck dogs
TOP KEK :^)
Anonymous
91f5b89
?
No.304778
Spoilered
>>304777
Fuck you, you disgusting degenerate. That's beastiality.
Anonymous
5ff6779
?
No.304976
2033152__suggestive_twilight+sparkle_princess+luna_princess+celestia_princess+cadance_shining+armor_solo_female_pony_mare_alicorn_screencap_equestria.png
05FC404094DE6640267F511216931838-1208123.jpg
https://ponepaste.org/1661
>>304775 →
>>304720 →
Figured this might be appropriate here.
When in doubt and you want to continue do one of five things.
Write
Read
Edit
Get someone else
Post it/Publish/Finish it
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.304982
304988 328017
I'm still writing that not-RWBY thing (clever name pending) but I need some advice

Everywhere I look in the old planning documents, I see something meant to appeal to the low-brow animufag I was back then and other low-brow animufags like who I was.
I've read a ton of books since then so now I know about worldbuilding and characters and stuff. I've also had the displeasure of working in a building full of women at one point in my life so I know how much ass it and women suck.
Anyway, the horny parts of this setting...
It's a world of mostly women so men are rare and usually get harems, everyone's got animal ears+tail (but are not full-on furries because that's gay), although I might add lamias and centaurs and other monster girls anyway because they're hot, females have stronger magic than men because they have extra magic is stored in the tits and that's why the best wizards have big ones, the hero guy has shagged a ton of babes before he gets the main quest that gives him something to do besides women and his soldier-cop job(which he should get fired from somehow), the hero's female co-workers are idealized fictional women (well they were all supposed to be cool but a few turned out obnoxious. can't decide if I should keep them in the series to make them suck on purpose or replace them with better characters), there's a female-only ethnostate full of idealized amazoness "dom in the streets, but effortlessly turned into a blushing mess of a sub in the streets and sheets" babes and the hero's the first guy allowed there in a thousand years so he shags a ton of bitches while he's there, and did I mention the handsome protagonist fucks a lot? Offscreen, because it's not full-on porn. Just an excuse to do sex jokes and fanservice now and then.

How am I supposed to make this good?
How can I say "housewives are good" in a setting where women are able to outfight men and the world needs fighters to protect it from giant monster attacks?
How can I say "Diversity is bad" when the hero's team is technically multiracial? (they're all white but everyone's a different species and from different countries)
How am I supposed to hide redpills like "Good wives are good, feminists are trash" and "fuck antifa" and "fuck jews" and "immigration doesn't solve problems, it makes them worse" and "fuck monarchy" and "governments use diversity against their citizenry" and "fuck communism" and "freedom is good" and "gun rights are good" and "evil religions are evil" and "abortion is bad" and "police states are bad" in a setting like this initially designed by a horny teenager who just wanted to draw big-tittied babes with giant swords?

On one hand, this is supposed to be a fantasy action-adventure story. And action stories usually only work when everything's so simple all the problems can be solved with violence. The real world's deep political stuff and even any religious stuff might be too complex for the average shonen's target audience of action junkies who want to see the good guy beat up the bad guy to save the universe from destruction. What good is a political message that reaches nobody because it's hidden in something that screams "generic anime"?

On the other hand, horny shows like Interspecies Reviewers and Redo Of Healer are really popular right now. Maybe I don't need to tone the sex down, maybe I need to tone it up and depict it as a bad thing. Shagging strangers at bars could be portrayed as a vice of the hero's even though he (at first) thinks it makes him cool. And few things annoy the feminists more than good horny character designs. And when most shonen anime protagonists are short bootleg-Goku prettyboys with no idea what sex is and little desire for it, making the hero a non-virgin makes him stand out, right?

When I first designed this I threw in every idea I could think of and the world ended up an unfocused mess. I knew nothing of characters and themes back then, I just wanted to do sick fight scenes of my own. Now I want themes like "freedom is good" and "only baddies want to disarm you" and "fuck all of the enemies that want me dead and my people destroyed" in this setting but I don't know how to get that serious stuff to work with the kiddy shonen-anime shite so cheesy you can almost hear the mid-00s butt-rock when you look at it.
Can I have a synopsis?
Anonymous
5ff6779
?
No.304988
305128
1534658803952.png
Yeah, a summery might be a bit helpful.
Anyway TLDR
>How am I supposed to make this good?
By writing a good story.
>>304982
...
Who is this story for?
You can not hide Red pills. Truth can't be hidden at most it is simply there yet unnoticed.
Worlds that aren't like ours apply stuff differently. It is a fundamental part. To do otherwise is to break everything up with disfunction.
The more different that world is to our own only the more broad applications might apply. The more similar is one aspect the truth is the same.
All considerations have to be done. There is a finesse and depth to truth that can be explored with the question why. Truth has parts that stem back to the furthest it can go.
<Putting everything in might not be possible unless that's the whole gimmick even then it MUST be done right.

>What good is a political message that reaches nobody because it's hidden in something that screams "generic anime"?
Because it exists.
Your line of thinking is too direct. You know who's going to find that? People that care.
> I don't know how to get that serious stuff to work with the kiddy shonen-anime shite so cheesy you can almost hear the mid-00s butt-rock when you look at it.
What makes those uncompatible?
You need to expand your mind. How you think.
Why things happen there is multiple almost uncountable reasons why. For all of that it can be shown and infered and pulled out.

If you want to write a story write it.

Why isn't it possible? What are you thinking for this project? Do you have the depth and breadth of experience? If not where can you get it? (Other forms of media do count, Simulations count, Imagined shit counts[can be further or closer to being true or not])
Remeber there are all sorts of people, and certain types of people congregate in certain places due to desires and wants.
A lot of care and consideration has to be done.
>How can I say "Diversity is bad" when the hero's team is technically multiracial?
Is everyone the problem? Is the hero team part of the issue or the 'lucky' few ignorant of it?
>The real world's deep political stuff and even any religious stuff might be too complex for the average shonen's target audience of action junkies who want to see the good guy beat up the bad guy to save the universe from destruction.
Why the fuck would it be too complex?

>When I first designed this I threw in every idea I could think of and the world ended up an unfocused mess.
What is the story supposed to be about? The heart of your story, just one sentence to capture everything THIS STORY is about.
Why do you want to toss in themes?
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.305128
305155 305162
>>304988
What is my story supposed to be about? I'm not sure, and I'm the one who wrote it.

I grew up watching a ton of anime but back when I was a young teenager inspired by RWBY (before Monty Oum died and the series got shit) I uncreatively threw together what I thought of as "cool anime stuff" and anything I considered cool at the time to create a setting full of cute chicks and then I added power-fantasy "The hero is a hot anime dude who shags a ton of bitches and has more superpowers than he's supposed to also they're the best ones" bullshit. So the hero guy kills giant monsters with his giant sword and giant guns and bangs catgirls with his giant dick while his harem of potential wives gush over how awesome he is whenever they aren't doing unfunny rom-com scenes or fanservice scenes or doing cool anime fight scene shit themselves. The hero's bucket list doesn't say "Go skydiving" and "read every classic novel", the hero's bucket list is a Monster Manual full of every species he wants to fuck one of. Also the hero's given an epic quest to save the world while travelling around it so he does that and eventually becomes its overpowered god by gathering the chaos emeralds before Bootleg Team Rocket can. I know I should throw out that last part, because one character becoming god would make sequels and spinoffs impossible. A hero just isn't cool if everything special about him comes from a few magic rocks instead of the result of a lifetime of training and effort, right?

When I try to figure out what this confused mess is supposed to be...

I guess it's just supposed to be an excuse for cool fight scenes in a futuristic fantasy world, and a horny teen's fantasy about being the most important dude who saves it while fucking over 90 hot anime girls.
That's what it was supposed to be then. But now, I want it to be good.

I'm glad I was too lazy to finalize and upload the trainwreck this series would have been back then if it was finished. I'm kind of tempted to do that public self-flagellation some youtubers do where they expose art/fanfics they made at age 9 and cringe at it, as if children are expected to be pro artists/writers from day one. But I also don't want to give away major details that would compromise OpSec and let people figure out who I am.

There are a ton of characters in the old story who are just ripped off from things I liked, and female characters who are just copies of characters I was attracted to at the time. I've remixed them and rewritten them, changed their appearances, given them different story roles and better backstories that make them more unique and interesting characters. Some were combined, some were deleted, some were turned into the opposite of what they were, some were turned into deconstructions and reconstructions of what they initially represented. I'm really proud of what I did with this one chick I can't say anything about.

On one hand, there are some original ideas in this story that deserve to see the light of day despite the derivative crap surrounding them. I want my story to make the world a better place. I feel like I need to try and hide redpills that might help audience members see the truth about the world. Even if it doesn't magically reshape the world overnight, I want to try. Maybe I don't need to put all the redpills in this thing, just some important ones.
But at the same time, modern media tropes rely on anti-truth. The anti-truth that a woman with a few self-defense classes under her belt could defeat a whole room of buff male professional fighters. The anti-truth that men and women are equally capable of being heroes. The anti-truth that a secret government organization that hides magical bullshit from the common folk would be good people instead of tyrants warring on the populace to control them from the shadows. The anti-truth that how good a life a nation provides for its people depends on how good a person its king/queen is and that a dying nation's bad times can be ended instantly by helping the secret prince/princess take the throne after killing the current pretender. The anti-truth that a tiny woman could lift and swing a massive magic sword and defeat giant monsters so large their bones would realistically crumble under the weight of their own flesh if they existed in a setting with realistic physics. The anti-truth that it's okay to be gay or slutty or both. The anti-truth that a character is cool if he fucks a ton of women. The anti-truth that there's something wrong with loving and wanting to protect your own race and fuck exclusively within your own race. The anti-truth that a diverse team is better than a team of the same race, and that a diverse team of the best swordsman and the best gunman and the best dancer and the best singer and the best mechanic and so on would naturally occur if you traveled the world while picking up one new DND party member for each location you visit on the fantasy world map.
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.305155
305169
>>305128
No More Heroes dedicates a lot of time to making the hero Travis look like a loser/idiot and making his hyper violent world look shit. I was thinking something like that would be great. Could make the hero someone who thinks he's awesome but isn't, and part of his Hero's Journey is going from an annoying little shit to an older and more mature genuine hero.
And really, it would suck to live in a setting like RWBY. It's a world full of humans and humans with animal ears/tails plus an endlessly respawning pure evil race of monsters called The Grimm. Basically Heartless from Kingdom Hearts or Hollows from Bleach. If you aren't born with a shitton of Aura (videogame healthbar forcefield thing) and a good superpower you're a helpless civilian in a world where kids with a lot of aura go to Combat Schools to learn to make cool combo-weapon sword-guns and fight monsters until they graduate and typically inevitably die to monsters on a battlefield somewhere.

What if the renamed but still-evil Jews created The Heartless in this setting?
Anonymous
705eedc
?
No.305162
305168 305177
>>305128
The redpill is to see the world as it is, rather than what others tell you it is; it is to work with nature toward the betterment of your people, not work against her. You can praise your people's virtues and condemn your people's vices all you like, but if they are not the natural virtue and vice of the peoples about whom you write, it is not a true redpill.

Environment impacts genetics, genetics impact behavior, behavior impacts the environment. Who are the peoples? How did they develop? How do these peoples interface with the environment? Have there been significant changes to the environment that genetics haven't adapted to yet "The industrial revolution and its consequences..."?

Why are there more women than men? What impact would a smaller male breeding pool have on genetics? To what extent is inbreeding a cause for concern? Who gets to have sex? How do individuals who are structurally unlikely to reproduce behave? >Rape? How precious of a resource is the male breeding population? How does that impact how males are treated and what threats they might be exposed to?

Why would a female be able to out-compete a male in combat? Would a capable female and male fighter be effective in combat for the same reasons? In what ways are the sexes different? How debilitating is menstruation and pregnancy? How does this impact gender roles? How does this impact what traits are selected for when individuals choose mates?

What do these people's societies value? What are their priorities? How do these societies allocate resources? What threats do they face? What do their hierarchies look like? Do the elites act in or against the interest of the common people? What are commonly held opinions of the elites held by the common people? How do the elites perceive the common people? How are conflicts within a society resolved? Does this vary based on class?

These questions are rhetorical, I'm not actually looking for an answer.
Anonymous
7fd8f91
?
No.305168
305169 305173 305177
rwby___code_raven_by_anonamos701_dd6jgqw-fullview.jpg
>>305162
This sort of seems like bad advice to me.
I get the idea of posing questions for your setting and plot and then answer them. I do, however, think this sort of thing will just overwhelm you.
You don't have to answer all of the questions in your setting, because fucking hell man, no offence, just focus on the important ones and accept imperfection.
I have lately found that a better place to start with your story is to start with the characters in the world. The character are what's gong to act upon everything and it is through them intresting things like morality and other stuff can be explored.
But also to focus on just doing thing with the things you establish.
I recently watched RWBY all the way though to season 7 episode 2. I think it is a good show. Sad about the lesbianism in the sixth season though.
Anonymous
7fd8f91
?
No.305169
>>305155
>>305168
Meant to post to you as well.
Anonymous
705eedc
?
No.305173
305176
>>305168
Oh god, I didn't mean to imply that was a starting place. The intended message was more "don't try to push messages/themes into a setting that doesn't support it."
Anonymous
7fd8f91
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No.305176
>>305173
Ah, it's fine. Sorry, I misunderstood.
Anonymous
f4e1903
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No.305177
305179 305202
RWBYngo.png
>>305162
>>305168
This is good, keep the questions coming. I need to figure all this shit out if I'm going to make the setting make sense for a story that's supposed to be more than "The world's the way it is because it seemed cool at the time, The Heartless is constantly attacking humanity so sick fights can happen anywhere, the planet's mostly full of idealized magical warrior women because at the time I thought they were sexy and my OC should bone most of them"
I was thinking the ever-present threat of The Grimm in the wilds would result in pockets of well-defended civilization that have little contact with or trade with one another outside of heavily armed Caravans. So one city can be a shithole under the rule of a shitty king and the people there are forced to stay in this city because outside its walls are literal monsters and in the black market people sell their organs and sell each other into slavery to get money to afford a ticket out of here and into a safer place. Another city can be a constitutional republic where everyone owns firearms and defends themselves from monsters and criminals and it's great. Another city can be some other thing. I'm starting to really like the idea of making one designated "amazoness stone-age paradise zone" that starts off like a fetishy fantasy but is revealed to be a totalitarian shithole because women are dumb and overemotional and religiously keeping men as breeding stock means they can't maintain a civilized society and invent the good shit that got societies out of the stone age.

I remember tons of reviewers complaining that The Grimm don't affect RWBY's world enough.
When they weren't complaining about how the heroes don't get enough screentime that isn't wasted since so much time gets taken up by Jaune (audience-surrogate bootleg-Sokka without his charm who's nonsensically put in charge of 3 one-note characters with a boring team dynamic. Seriously who is Pyrrha to Nora and Ren? How well do Ren and Pyrrha get along? Pyrrha wastes so much time pining for the world's dullest self-insert and praising him like a mom we never see any side of her personality outside of volume 3 besides boring love interest and teacher and "cool girl's sad about being on a pedestal" EVEN THOUGH SHE USES HER SECRET SEMBLANCE TO CHEAT TO STAY THERE AND SHE'S AT A SCHOOL FULL OF PRODIGIES LIKE RUBY. WHO WAS PYRRHA TO RUBY/WEISS? What would Blake say to Pyrrha about fame and muh racisms if they ever spoke? We'll never know because the writers wasted potentially-interesting character ideas) and Ozpin/Oscar (bootleg Avatar without the coolness and he can summon Avatar Roku on command to exposit/fight for him and they'll gradually merge anyway meaning no awesome re-learning of the elements).

The story (at first) happens in big cities away from the Grimm-infested wilds, but Ruby's nice cabin in the woods wasn't in any more danger than a street corner in Beacon. It makes no sense for people to be racist towards the Faunus (bad emotions attract grimm) and it makes no sense for the Faunus to stay in areas where they are supposedly discriminated against when they have their own tropical-paradise ethnostate. They say their ethnostate is crowded (guess they really do fuck like bunnies, someone give them condoms or tell them to legalize horse bestiality) but it wasn't as crowded as the massive warehouses full of racist anti-human White Fang terrorists who booed Torchwick for being human and were completely on board (heh heh, board. heh heh train. train humor) with his "use a train full of dust to blow a hole in the town's defenses and let Grimm in to kill everyone" plan. The Faunus say they helped humanity in a war and "were promised equality but didn't get it" as if that somehow justifies their bullshit. How the fuck does any of this make sense? Equality isn't something you can just be given like a sandwich. Equality under the law is a thing but if 80% of a race acts like scumbags (Count every named good faunus character. they won't outnumber the warehouses full of genocidal terrorists on human soil) should humans be forced at gunpoint to treat these animals better than they treat people? should humans be forced at gunpoint to roll over when meritocracy dies and people lose their jobs to make room for underqualified divershitty hires? Hell, even after Beacon falls, the "waycism" bullshit still doesn't stop.
The world already has the perfect villain: The Grimm. Nature only evil. A neverending stream of monsters to kill. A pure evil monster race working for a retarded evil monster queen and her cackling evil lackeys. Why overcomplicate things with this racism subplot the authors don't know what to do with? It's impossible to tell if the authors are bluepilled cucks who suck at making their side look good or secretly based geniuses who memorized every single terrorist attack the nigs ever did in the name of their own "equality".
The Grimm are supposedly attracted to negative emotions, so you'd think the world would be full of fake sunshine-and-rainbows bullshit with mandatory happiness where criminals are either medicated into fake happiness or executed so their misery won't attract Grimm. Season 3's tournament arc that ends in disaster and invasion was there because Naruto did that first, but realistically why would a world facing threats like this put fighters on TV in direct combat where anyone can lose?
When Yang was mindfucked into breaking Mercury's leg, the audience's big sadness attracted Grimm.
But wouldn't each tournament match your country doesn't win cause a similar (if less severe) shockwave?
Must be tough to fight on TV in front of millions. Must be tougher knowing that if you disappoint or piss off your country the negative emotions could attract the Grimm in those nations to populated areas.
Wouldn't it make more sense for them to televise Olympics where there are technically no losers, or something cute like a dog show?

I don't want my worldbuilding to suck like RWBY's
Anonymous
7fd8f91
?
No.305179
305185
5ae.jpg
>>305177
I don't think RWBY's worldbuilding sucks. There is a difference between something, great, functional, and bad. While Rwby's worldbuilding isn't great or perfect, it doesn't suck.
I think that this is an important distinction to make.

Just look at the worldbuilding, story, and characters for the show and count their merits. You will see that it actually got a lot of it.

But on the topic of your world and story. I think you should focus on... perhaps the plot first. Since that is even closer to what happens in the first place. Events lead to other events which if you want to you can derive a moral from.

In one of GG's latest post in his FE review thread, he talked about how one should, in hiw view, be able to summarize a story in a few sentences, or rather, in my view he talked about the plot.
Without reading into the underlaying things of themes and character archs what happens in your story. Can you summon up what happens in the story in a few sentence. Like, don't explain why but what happens.
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.305185
>>305179
I don't hate RWBY's functional worldbuilding, like how there are four kingdoms because the author says so and they take design inspiration from different IRL cultures because Avatar did that and it makes them visually distinct. I can appreciate when a worldbuilding element is just there to answer a logical question with an incredibly short and good enough answer.

It's the stuff that seems poorly thought out that bugs me like how the fact that bad emotions attract grimm doesn't reshape the world around it as humans take that into consideration. I've seen fanfics that try to flesh this out one nation's full of casual nudist sex maniacs and another nation's full of stuffy stuck-up military dudes who think showing emotion is shameful and made feelings illegal but in a world like this why is Beacon ordinary? Where's its "Hat" so to speak, to use the Planet Of Hats meme?

The plot of my story... For the longest time it didn't have one. I never got around to that. Trying to get every kingdom to give him their Plot Coupon so he can cash them in to save the world somehow seems cliche but it's become a cliche because it's such a great trope. I guess the hero needs some kind of reason to justify him travelling around the world to look at the locations I worked on and think "man some of these places suck thabks to political views I disagree with" and do sidequests there before getting on with the main quest. Something needs to push him out of his comfort zone, otherwise he'd just remain a loser in a city he hates. In a world where travel is risky most people wouldn't just travel for fun unless they could afford guards or kill any monster they expected to run into. Something needs to drive the story forwards and it would just be weird if the hero graduated from being a drafted military guy and had a mid life crisis at 20 trying to figure out what to do with his life while wandering from place to place. I know I want the hero to kill a lot of baddies but any plot's better than the shit I wrote initially. Giving the hero one of nine Plot Coupons at the end of every major story arc helps make the story feel rewarding and give things a sense of forward momentum, right? But what could those plot coupons be? Magic gemstones that summon a diety when gathered? Keys to a door the baddies want to open because it would destroy the universe? Shards of a shattered alien magic superweapon from the time of ancient super-advanced precursors before humanity nuked itself back into the stone ages to redo civilization on a planet full of monsters of their own creation? Travelling to specific places to learn a set of skills like Bending or travelling to temples around the world like how Yuna had to collect the Aeons? Or maybe a cultural thing like the Pokemon Badges where the badges don't really have any inherent power but you need to fight the region's best fighters to get the complete set before you can face the region's real best fighters and then you're number one.
Anonymous
af5a2f4
?
No.305202
305217
>>305177
>no LGBT characters is listed as a flaw
Why are you posting such cringe? This is much better: https://youtu.be/GkOlhFhpGIk
I haven't watched RWBY but it's clear that it's an awful show that is incompetently made, so one shouldn't expect anything better from its worldbuilding, either.
Anonymous
846a1da
?
No.305217
305218 305234
>>305202
>no LGBT characters is listed as a flaw
No, I listed that there is LGBT characters in the show as a flaw.
>I haven't watched RWBY but it's clear that it's an awful show
No, it's not clear, however, that sort of thinking is bad. Don't trust analysts and reviewers to make your opinion of show for you. Watch some of it and come to your own conclusions, or don't. It's all up to you.
For me, there was a lot to like.

I have watched the video now.
He doesn't even prove his points and he has a very dismissive commentary. As in, he literally goes, "Nothing happens in season 4." Yet, he is objectively wrong just as he is when he states that, "The video (for the show) is aweful," and, "Nobody uses dust in the series."
Also, just because you can point to a character's core concept and say that that concept has been used before doesn't mean, that character or the show at large is bad. It depends on how it plays out.
He made some okay points but they were few.
Bottom line is that, RWBY has flaws but this video was unfair and didn't provide support for it's claims.

But whatever, say are you currently writing on something yourself?
Anonymous
af5a2f4
?
No.305218
305230 305234
>>305217
EZ PZ is discount E;R, don't take everything he says too seriously but he brings up valid complaints imo.
>But whatever, say are you currently writing on something yourself?
Yes, I am >>302817 but my project is on a short-term hiatus until I take care of personal matters.
Anonymous
846a1da
?
No.305230
305232
>>305218
>my project is on a short-term hiatus until I take care of personal matters.
Okay, that makes sense.
Btw, was it you had plans on making a story about a military Anon pairing up with Rainbow Dash and then joining some diamond dogs because they couldn't stop loving war or something (sorry, if I misremember). Is that the project you are currently working on?
Anonymous
af5a2f4
?
No.305232
>>305230
No, mine is very different. I'll elucidate later.
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.305234
305242
MG-207.jpg
>>305218
Can you list any valid complaints he made?
>>305217
Normies are used to seeing gay characters as something normal and they're programmed with such a knee-jerk reaction to "homophobia" that the accusation of it is an attack. Is it worth trying to do a "Don't be gay" message or should I just stick to "These big political ideas are shit and they made these cities shit"?
Faggotry might have opened the doors to worse perversions but the average normie only has a chance of seeing anything wrong with the newest perversions the left's trying to normalize. I should probably stick to depicting those new perversions as bad things and gloss over gay people or say "Good gay people are based and love white people for giving them rights they'd never get in the third world, bad gays are pedophiles and perverts and cowardly bullies who harass innocents and demand special treatment and irrationally loathe straight people while hiding behind their sexuality when criticized for anything".

>everyone
Speaking of fantasy-races like the Faunus from RWBY, I've been thinking about shows with animal-people like Zootopia, Monster Musume, and A Centaur's Life, and how they handled their fantasy-races+topics like racism/worldbuilding/how different animals fit into society.

In A Centaur's Life you can get arrested for riding a Centaur. Even if the Centaur consents, it's legally a Hate Crime(TM). Centaurs have even saved unconscious people by putting them on their backs and carrying them to hospitals, only for the person they carried to get arrested despite the hero's protests.
Also TV shows for kids say bullshit about the necessity of electoral systems that keep majorities from having absolute power since some races breed more than others or something. That's weird. I haven't finished the show so I don't know it it goes further.

Zootopia doesn't try to pretend a Bunny can just instantly pass obstacle courses meant for bigger animals by believing in herself hard enough.
It doesn't try to pretend a bunny girl can effortlessly flip a rhino man more than four times her weight so hard he passes out, it admits she'd need to jump around and bounce off boxing ropes for the momentum before she could hurt him.
It doesn't try to pretend racism begins and ends at "The baddies are evil and oppress the helpless good guys but a little bit of protesting or revealing Our Truth to everyone or a lot of violence magically fixes everything overnight".
This show inspired men who'd normally never speak up to say shit online like "Seeing that scene where the big predator was just there on public transportation but the tiny prey animals were scared of him even though he did nothing wrong reminded me of all the times women reacted like that to seeing a man like me".
Zootopia says racism affects everyone in different ways but good people who rise above this can make a positive difference in the world.
I wouldn't give it a medal, but it's closer to reality than most "special victims good, white-coded villains bad" shows and it really pissed off the left because this story about fictional animal racism and prejudice wasn't used as an excuse to push their myths on the subject.

In Monster Musume, monster girls aren't allowed to harm humans. Not even in self-defense. So the cops have the murder-happy police unit made of monster girls led by a human woman - the group's called M.O.N. - to handle any "Orcs took hostages in a manga store full of OrcXHuman porn" problems. These problems are usually handled with bloodshed.
And human gangs sometimes molest monster girls who can't legally fight back without getting arrested. But it's a fantasy so single human men can punch out entire rape gangs when your spider-waifu isn't there to harmlessly web them up to keep them from raping.
The show admits people are different depending on their race and species, and while it tends to romanticize that for the sake of the fantasy that you could apply to the govt to get your own perfect homestay monster girl waifu with superpowers and weird animal parts, your house would need to be reshaped to suit her physical needs/mobility challenges. It's a fantasy so the government handles the costs of making your house huge enough for giant centaur ass and giving it a home gym for your dog-girl waifu and giving it an indoor swimming pool for your mermaid wife.
There's one guy who says he's making a documentary but he really wants to make a video of the Harpy waifu giving birth to eggs since freaks love that.
Having a dog IRL isn't easy, there are challenges. And some dogs can be too challenging even though dog-romanticizing media downplays this and downplays the challenges that come with having a woman with its "Any dog can be good if loved enough and no women are bad!" bullshit.
But this show admits it: You'd constantly face challenges where her animal nature makes her act weird, but they're idealized challenges that result in sexual scenarios or fanservice cliches most of the time instead of "Your dog-wife chased after a car and died in a traffic accident" or "Your shark waifu bit someone's head off for calling you a loser so she's getting arrested and you're getting fined for not preventing this like the adult human should" or "the random woman your thirsty slimegirl waifu groped into nutting in public is suing for sexual harassment" or "Your spider girl webbed up and killed and ate your landlord because she thought it would make a nice anniversary gift".
There's also the "It's not legal for humans and monster-girls to fuck, except after a while the author decides it's fine as long as they get married first" thing. I didn't like that. This show initially had an excuse for the human guy to not want to bone his hot monster girls, but this just means he could choose one, and nothing's stopping him from getting laid besides his inability to choose best girl from his harem. "The guy can't choose" is a more common harem-anime plot than "The guy legally can't plough any of them".
Anonymous
af5a2f4
?
No.305242
305247
>>305234
>Can you list any valid complaints he made?
I honestly couldn't care less about that show, so if I must concede so be it. If you think whatever he said is bad is actually good so be it, I won't stop you.

>I should probably stick to depicting those new perversions as bad things and gloss over gay people
It really depends on a variety of factors. Firstly, how skilled you are in wrapping the topic in analogy. If you never mention a sensitive topic to the point it misses more bluepilled (read:hopeless and angerable) readers, but build an analogy well enough that a significant number question their held views, you've succeeded. It's harder than it sounds, though.
Secondly, how strongly you want to handle a topic. This depends on your target audience but also on how direct your messaging is. Directness should be inversely proportional to depth of topic. You could probably handle criticizing sacred cows if allusion is vague, but if it's on-the-nose you'll attract vitriol. On the other hand/hoof, you can get away with a light veil if you're criticizing a more current/fierce controversy, like trannies competing in women's sports, though this is more purple-pilled.
Thirdly, scope of your redpill. Scope should likewise be inversely proportional to how direct you are. If you're writing redpills about every problem modern society faces and want the audience to know it, you might as well write a manifesto. You can get away with a broad redpill by writing a traditional/based society where modern social issues simply don't exist (think Middle Earth) and presenting it as a more attractive place than our own. However, if you're taking aim at a problem in particular then it's probably best to focus on just one and make sure it enhances the story, not just the other way around. Really competent writers can get away with several separate redpills without detracting from the story, but it's clearly not easy.
Fourthly, the nature of your story. If you have to take the story on a tangent to explain why some particular evil is a problem, then that's a sign you need to revisit something. It should all flow together.

Writing is an art, not a science, and I'm not some great writer, but I think these guidelines would help. Try to avoid over-reaching and going on an author's rant; people instinctively know when a message is forced and it's unpleasant even if you agree with it.

>Zootopia
That's a good example. It's not a really "based and redpilled" movie but neither is it cringy. Positive messages can be taken from it such as a distrust in government manufacturing/using a panic to keep people divided. No doubt at the time the writers intended the carnivores to be interpreted more like black people (though even this raises the questions of deepset psychological differences between carnivores and herbivores, and how crime statistics may line up with this) but these days the treatment of whites is so similar to the movie's plot one could see it as prescient. No doubt that's a reason progs hate it, because its viewpoint is that of centrists and centrists are racism enablers in their eyes.

>Monster Musume
Not familiar with it, but I'm pretty sure it's a hentai. That's an interesting setup whereby monster girls are essentially second-class citizens in an intelligent fashion rather than a "I'm racist so I give arbitrary restrictions muahahaha" strawman. Monster girls are clearly sapient but lack self-control and fully rational behavior so they're somewhere between animals and humans.
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.305247
305480
x90j7hv66kq61.jpg
>>305242
I don't want to win an argument about the show, I want to know what you liked about the video so I'll have more RWBY-related stuff to think about.

Thanks for the advice, I'll keep that in mind.
I like how in A Centaur's Life humanity doesn't exist and the assorted races evolved to be humanish just because.
Plus there are schools where the coridoors have enough water for mermaids to get around and this world's idea of a mobility aid for a mermaid is a robotic horse prosthesis.

I was thinking about how The Maidens in RWBY are four secret superpowered people who, when dying, pass the superpowers on to a random girl somewhere around the world. Cinder's figured out how to steal those powers.
1. why are these 4 secret?
2. how are they kept secret when they're so obviously abnormal?
3. what makes magic "all that" when semblances can do anything magic can do? sure one wizard can cast 8 different spells but 8 people with semblances that replicate the effects of those spells can do anything he can?
4. how do hereditary semblances function if semblances are supposed to be extensions of your personality/influences on your personality/neither?
5. how is "we didn't want people going after these girls for their power" a good excuse for hiding the existence of the four big-deal super-people? how can so many people want their power and know how to get it?
6. why does Penny have a random scene with Jaune and die for fucking Winter just to pass her powers on to Winter when Ruby's the one who needs them more and would get better emotional scenes?

also

Wouldn't it make The Maidens terrible and greedy people if they chose to retire and get old and get looked after in care homes instead of dying on the battlefield like good little magic warriors for the sake of everyone's safety?
nothing makes individual Maidens special beyond what they inherit and the sooner they die, the sooner their powers can be inherited by the next generation. It would make sense for a thirty-something Maiden to try and stay alive to fight another day since dying means giving that power to a newborn baby who won't be able to use her godlike powers to crush Grimm until she's at least 10ish but this right here is just bullshit. An old Boomer cunt who hoards the world-saving magical power and refuses to do her job yet also refuses to pass it on or pass on...
The story had the perfect setup to create the embodiment of everything Cinder seems to hate right now (they'll rewrite and retcon her next season probably) but nothing deep ever happens between these two characters. Hell, it's almost a smart critique of Avatar's reincarnation system, since in a setting where age is real and 80-somethings/200-somethings can't outfight armies solo, an old tired useless avatar just takes up room and prolongs the rise of a newer better one able to use the power he or she's born with for the good of all.

But for real, I don't want my story to turn out shit like RWBY.
I hate how the "Gods and Ozpin/Oscar" stuff detract from the story.
Tite Kubo's Bleach has everything revolve around Aizen and Ichigo to the point where he's why everything happened, but it's so Ichigo can still fight the final boss. It's not what he signed up for but Ichigo still drives the plot. Ichigo's still the hero guy.
Avatar Aang is forced to fight the Fire Nation in the present because he ran from them in the past just as his predecessor Roku ran away from admitting Sozin's crazy and needs to go down. He can meaningfully overcome the flaws that hinder him and he beats the final boss using energybending (asspull spirit deus ex machina) to respect his no-kill airbending teachings (clever and deep). honestly if they foreshadowed energybending in Won She Tong's spirit library for about 5 seconds before moving on with the Solar Eclipse shit it would have been perfect.
Team RWBY isn't meaningfully involved in any of the lore.
First the gods can't revive ozpin even though Salem wants him back because "muh balance" but then like two minutes later the gods revive him anyway and say "humanity's shit and we need you to solve the problems we created and reunite humanity" and they curse him with reincarnation (just to be arbitrarily different from her immortality) but Salem was able to unite all of humanity (at the time) against the Gods.
You'd think Ozpin would become the head of a religious institution with members in all four nations to try and bring people together but no, Ozpin rules one of four nations instead and does little to bring them together.
It kind of reminds me of how the black guy in Panty and Stocking was sent back in time and forced to live through everything. Except these gods did everything wrong and with no moral lesson in mind. And humanity's supposed to earn their respect to get its magic back, when magic was such a great thing for fighting the Grimm? "There were two brothers and the good god was good and the bad god was bad" is already a shit religion but they find a way to make it worse. Even ripping off Adam And Eve so Salem is Eve the bitch who ate the apple of darkness to bring darkness into the world in the form of Grimm (but because Eve's evil and selfish she'd rather kill everyone and rule a Grimm-filled world alone than share it with humans) would have worked better. Ozpin's reincarnation is a bootleg Avatar without anything that made him unique and cleverly designed.
I kept thinking the writers were making the gods shit on purpose so Ruby could summon the Gods after gathering all 4 Relics/Maidens and say "FUCK YOU, GODS! KEEP YOUR MAGIC, TAKE OUR SEMBLANCES AWAY IF YOU WANT, BUT TAKE YOUR MISTAKES LIKE GRIMM AND SALEM AND OZPIN WITH YOU!"
You know, kind of like that scene with Ed and Truth from Fullmetal Alchemist and willingly giving up your magic to get your brother back. Except in this case Ruby the "simpler soul", the small sweet innocent little puppy dog, makes history as the first RWBY character to say fuck and spits in the face of the gods who failed.
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.305250
305285 305287 305288 305296
Hell, maybe it would be cool if I took my take on RWBY's maidens and made them a part of my story, so the hero can say "Fuck you, maidens" when it's all revealed to the hero that dumb rulers who thought they were doing the right thing decided to hoard the four Maidens away "To save them for when they're needed the most, because it would really fucking suck if a day came when we really needed all 4 maidens but their powers were currently stored within toddlers unable to fight" instead of letting them fight the Grimm and bandits on battlefields of their choice until they die and pass the powers on. The totalitarian governors could also have an ulterior motive: These four Maidens said yes to doing nothing and waiting for "the right time" but if they die and pass their powers on, more rebellious spirits might get these powers and prove harder to control, maybe even decide these governors need to be crushed and replaced.

And maybe instead of saying what I don't want my story to be like I should say what I want for this story.

I want this story to have-

Hang on a second, The Maidens only exist because Ozpin passed on his magical powers to those four, delegating his powers to them without passing on his will (uniting humanity to impress the gods and defeating Salem) and letting countless women get death sentences from birth as Maidens, inheritors of Ozpin's magic but not his true mission. God, everything about RWBY's worse than it's supposed to be. Don't get me started on the Faunus or we'll be here all year.

Anyway I want this story to have awesome fight scenes but I've already written a ton of those. I want this story to have hot characters so I've already made most of them.
I really love how balls-to-the-wall insane Guilty Gear can be. This kind of wild creativity... That's the kind of spirit I want for my setting. Everything's extreme. Everything's turned up to 11. Everything's metal as fuck. There's an evil god and it's well-written.

Btw, I was thinking... What if women were artificially promoted regardless of merit in this setting because society didn't want men in the workforce, and instead wanted stay-at-home husbands helping their harems pump out kids year-round to make up for the losses incurred by the perpetual motion machine grinding away at humanity known as The GrimmHeartlessHollows?
Men could still travel to try and grow their harems but governments would prefer men stay at home and apply for govt-assigned girlfriends so the govt can manipulate mankind's genes because they don't want strong people to be born in the lower class where they might decide the government sucks.
The idea that a government would institute anti-meritocratic hiring policies to affect birthrate and desire to control the reproduction of its people... It makes sense for this setting. It makes sense that a world ruled by women that want to control men would think of it, especially if only men could inherit the AvatarMaiden power. It makes sense to say "fuck hiring vaginas over merit" here. The idea that workplace policies and government policies can affect birth rates is there. And it's turned on its head here so normies won't have an emotional reaction and scream "reeee you want a world of housewives instead of le beautiful stronk independent men!" even though "stronk" women still lust after bigger stronger richer men and feel entitled to them even if they have nothing good to offer them. It would also make the hero dude "stunning and brave" for trying to make it in a woman's world as a soldier without the powers of a Maiden.

I should really think of a better word for Maiden than what RWBY went with.
Anonymous
bf5d4a9
?
No.305285
305286 305298
>>305250
>I should really think of a better word for Maiden than what RWBY went with.
>Better
What is this mindset? There was literally nothing wrong with the word maiden. It was functional at least.
But is focusing on the names really that important right now? Are you still planning to have four of them? And are they stilled bound to the concept of one for each season? Why do they exist in your world?
Can you describe your mc's personality to me or his core traits?
Anonymous
bf5d4a9
?
No.305286
>>305285
Actually, I take that back. Looking for something better doesn't mean that it is necessarily bad.
Anonymous
a8e631b
?
No.305287
305289
>>305250
>awesome fight scenes but I've already written a ton of those
Yes, I'm sure your audience would totally agree that the fight scenes you've written are/were 'awesome'
Anonymous
bf5d4a9
?
No.305288
305289
>>305250
Also, you write too much about RWBY in your posts, unnecessarily much, imo. There are examples in your text where you bring up the series without those tangents being related to discussing how to craft your own story. It's not a big deal but please try to talk about your story and the crafting of it first and foremost and then if you see reason to it, bring up RWBY for comparision.
A few of excerpts of your posts can be said to only talk about RWBY and not your own story. That's not what this thread is about.
Otherwise, it's fine.
Anonymous
bf5d4a9
?
No.305289
305291
>>305287
Sooo... Are you currently writing something frien?
>>305288
This isn't a big deal really. I don't want people to be afraid of posting things that might be a bit unrelated at times. My position is that yoiu don't need to think about it but, it can go too far. If it does, I see no reason why a discussion thread, even if it just becomes a short slider thread; wouldn't be a good idea to take the conversation to.
Anonymous
a8e631b
?
No.305291
305292
>>305289
Of course. It affects different protags differently, but its effectively a coming of age, rising to the challenge, giving closure to the old generation type story. It takes place in different worlds, sequentially and sometimes simultaneously, including FoE, and a more traditional D&D fantasy setting.
Anonymous
bf5d4a9
?
No.305292
305294
>>305291
>giving closure to the old generation type story
Woo!
That sounds intresting. Care to elborate? It makes me think of some kind of mentor character who failed their task but their disciple finishes it for them kinda deal.
Anonymous
a8e631b
?
No.305294
305296
>>305292
>mentor character
That's, not exactly right, but it's a close parallel.
Basically, in the previous installment (yes, there is a precursor) certain things that were intended to happen got sidelined and obstructed. While the overall adversity was effectively subverted, this set in motion a greater threat that took time to materialize, and the 'old guard' is insufficient to address the new challenges. Specifically, the old guard were notorious and easy to compromise due to their fame and activities. Think MLP season 6 finale in theme (OGs are out, time for the newfags to save the day).
Anonymous
bf5d4a9
?
No.305296
305297 305298
>>305294
I think I get it. Well, regardless you don't have to post it here if you're not comforatble with that but I also want to remind your that you're welcome to post an excerpt of your story here if you wish for anyone to read it.

I have been working on one scene and been thinking a lot on in which order I should present my information to the reader in my text. It is pony related and when I'm done, I'll post it here.
I also try to challenge myself more when I do stuff because think that when you view something as a challange, you're more motivated to finish the work than if it is just work.

>>305250
I got an idea. There is this merit to RWBY which is about how their weapons have two modes, sometimes more (Wiess). I think that this is pretty creative. Is that something you will have for your characters weapons or will you go for something else when it comes to weaponry?
Anonymous
a8e631b
?
No.305297
>>305296
Oh, dont you worry, its gonna get posted
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.305298
>>305285
Good point I meant a word more fitting for the concept it becomes once I change things up to suit my setting.
We're told the four maidens have four seasons and four powers along with four words like choice and knowledge but what does that mean? If the genie of the lamp of knowledge answers any question does that mean the genie of the lamp of creation can make anything? Does the genie of choice get to let people make choices for others?
At first it seemed the Maidens just got weather power themed around their elements which would logically make them stronger than Glue Shoes McGee or Loud Nigra: Trumpet Edition. It fits within the world while still putting them above most semblances and potentially stacking this power on top of whatever your semblance is. But then they're pulling out multiple elements and having Pokemon Movie 1 ball battles and DBZ fights in the sky. Their powers blur together to make them less distinct from one another. In a world where everyone has Dust crystals with the powers of the elements and weapons that interact with these crystals and Semblances that can be any one superpower and interact with these crystals it just seems redundant to add yet more elemental stuff when this is supposed to be the last of Ozpin's magic split into four. Who would win if someone in an Ice Dust dress like Cinder's old fire dress, someone with an icebending semblance, someone with a gunsword loaded with ice dust, and the Winter Maiden fought? Whichever one the author arbitrarily decided has enough power level to make the others redundant and inferior.
I don't like the idea that the four bootleg avatars were given their powers by a fifth worse bootleg avatar, it all feels like some argument at the writer's room was won by Monty and after he died the writers retconned in the only takes on these ideas they wanted in their story. Suddenly the Maidens become glorified McGuffin keys for opening doors to four Plot Coupons that do stuff and everything connects back to the Ozpin and Salem stuff they said they thought of at the start. Surely if the heroes have to gather four things making them people the audience can care about is better than making them objects containing genies.
The name Maiden is kind of genius. They need to be saved from Salem and Team CMEN so they are the ancient fairy tale's typical maiden in need of rescue but at the same time they're superpowered badasses because RWBY wants everyone to be one of those. They were gifted with immense power but it's a curse that makes people want their power for themselves. Seems unrealistic that Ozpin's Illuminati could make the world forget them and would want to but whatever.
As for the RWBY references it's not that RWBY itself inspired my story directly. RWBY being made inspired me to try and make my own similarly derivative show from a set of concepts I liked or disliked and wanted to change up at the time. It's a different mix of ideas but when I think of "good ideas executed poorly resulting in snowballing cascading failures" I think of RWBY. Because the White Fang are pure evil Blake seems evil or dumb for ever getting involved with them and because she's forced into Yang's love interest it throws away the Sun and Blake buildup and messes with Yang's character (especially since she already met her mom and wasn't impressed. Life goal achieved) and because the authors say "the white fang's peaceful but fiery protests worked where boycots and peaceful protests didnt" at first fans of lefty violence get mad when the heroes eventually defeat the White Fang for being evil.
>>305296
Yep, most weapons in my story get at least two modes because it suits a big theme I'm going for where there's more to everything than meets the eye. Especially characters that seem shallow and archetypical at first on purpose but then have depth revealed. When someone uses a weapon that's just one thing it's a sign that something unusual is going on.
Anonymous
84cd31a
?
No.305390
42e23c0a0bc9101a4bb992d0f105f115.jpg
I have two characters in my story that will meet for the first time. These two will be an important duo, for at least the first part of the story. What is your perspective? Should I have one scene for each to try ot establish who they are to build reader expectations, or should I have their introductory scenes in the story be the same as their first meeting, shortening the story but also putting the reader down from their bird's eye view perspective and into the shoes of the characters (unsure of who the other character is (or in the reader's case who both are) and their true intentions).

You don't have to share your perspective. It is highly likely that I have already decided upon something by the time you post your opinion but I appriciate your perspective nontheless.
Anonymous
66c789a
?
No.305480
307723
>>305247
Another idea about incorporating redpills is to simply portray ideologies that do not have any clear real-life counterpart. You can extol their virtues and criticize their failures without getting too dragged down into controversy. A good example is Warhammer 40k which has an unusually based fandom: no one denies that the Imperium is a pretty terrible place to live for the average person and its only redeeming quality is protecting humanity from being overrun. Yet it's undeniable that the Übermensch in the form of space marines, with their religious devotion and war against degeneracy, have had an overwhelmingly positive effect on culture. Leftists realize this and are scared by it, but any attempt at calling them or fans "Nazis" backfire precisely because it is a fantasy grim-dark world. You could go the other way by making a fake ideology that no one adheres to unironically yet is an extension of leftist values, then poking fun at it or portraying it as monstrous. Technically not a strawman because if you do this right the connection to real-life parties won't be obvious.

For an idea of wacky ideologies to use, combine some extreme values from this test: https://datguard.github.io/12wackies/
Practice
dc08ed1
?
No.306180
>Be Anon.
>Walk next to Purple Smart.
>In the everfree woodsen.
>Be searching for lost filly.
>Hoping she is okay.
>Well, Purple does at least.
>"She might have gone down here to aviod the bigger creatures of the forrest," Twilight said as you and her began to descend a narrow path.
>The path's slope was steep and it became narrow because of how the ground you previously had stood on rose up on either sides as mountain walls.
>The road slithered downwards without flattening out.
>The line above them that showed the blue dark dusk sky got thinner and thinner.
>That's when Twilight's horn lit up.
>She conjured up a pair of spheres of light that floated beside you.
>When the path lits up, you see murky and wet mountain walls.
>On the path you see... Something white right under your right shoe!
>You immediately take a step back and go down into a sort of defensive position.
>There, on the slope, in a pile, was a black spider with erect hairs.
>Two of it's legs are bent upwards along the one of the mountain walls.
>It's abdomen and body are of the same shape as a bowl or a deflated baloon.
>And, instead of eight black eyes, it has empty sockets.
>It's the molt of a giant tarantula.
>It's as long in it's body as you're tall.
>You look wide-eyed at it as you have frozen on the spot.
>Twilight glances sadly as you before turning her head forward.
>"I'm sorry, Anon. I should have told you but I really need your help down here but I know a lot of ponies have a problem with spiders. I guess, if you wanna turn back, I can't blame you," she says.
>She waits for your response for a bit.
I'll be back, probably.
Practice
dc08ed1
?
No.306189
306206
Actually, I got bored. Let's start something new.

>Be Fair Star.
"Are your ziggas ready for action?"you ask and glanced behind you.
>A zebra with dreadlocks narrows her eyes at you.
>Or, you think that's what she does.
>Since her brown eyes are a bit obscured, it is hard to tell.
>Her mane cut is such that she has no dreadlocks along the backside of her neck and the either black or white dreadlock-bangs of her mane are combed forward into a fringe that covers her forehead like a curtain.
>"Blood Oasis, why don't you start judging each zebra on an individual basis?"
>You thrust your head upwards and let your eyebrows wiggle up and down.
>You let out a small chuckle.
"Ha! Even you refer to me as, 'Blood Oasis' and I'm suppose to pretend that I trust ziggas now?"you say and put your head to side in a mocking manner. You make a sweping gesture out off the edge of the roof to the ponies and zebras on the street below."I'm I suppose to believe that no of these ziggas wish to see me dead? I'm just waiting for an assassination attempt at this point."
>You look back at the zebra mare.
>A gust of wind causes the zebra's frigne to flutter to the side and reveal, clearly a pair of glaring eyes directed at you.
>Your grin grow at the sight.
>"They are not the only ones. Everytime I see you I hear war drums."
Practice
dc08ed1
?
No.306206
>>306189
>Still be Fair Star.
>Burnt into the skin of the zebra around her right eye, was the shape of a horseshoe.
>You tap lightly with your right back hoof with the front of the golden horseshoe on it into the stone floor of the roof.
>The zebra's eyes goes wide as she hears your horseshoe clink and your grin grow more defined.
"So what now, Káhh? What will you do?" you asks in a sugar-sweet voice.
>She glares at you for a while more then she sighs and shakes her head.
>"Right now, we got another enemy to slay," she says while looking off into the distance but then she gives you a firm look. "But you will pay, one day."
"Mmm." Red magical energies start to dance around your horn.
>The scarf made from sewn together zebra is covered in a red cloud like matter of magic.
>The red cloud undoes the tied scarf and rise it up into air between the two equines.
>The zebra looks suprized.
"Take this as a token of or new friendship," you say and levitate the scarf over to the zebra that takes it in her hoof.
>She stare at one particular zebra cutie mark with a pained look.
>With her other hoof, she caresses the mark on the scarf.
>Even you can feel the pain and you look away but not without clenching your teeth while despratelöy trying to be angry.
>After a moment, you speak up, "It was..." You can feel that you have drawn her eyes. "It was never personal. I only carry around her mark because she was the Elphant-tier Witchdoctor of the northern tribe. Nothing more."
Anonymous
dc08ed1
?
No.306531
306534
Can I ask for a writing prompt, please? Want to write something but have zero ideas right now.
Anonymous
0ba5c9e
?
No.306534
306535
>>306531
A bored unicorn filly discovers a small German submarene from WW2, still fully armed.
Anonymous
dc08ed1
?
No.306535
>>306534
On it.
Anonymous
dc08ed1
?
No.306544
306719 306785
>Be Cosmic Well.
>Your sitting in a rowboat with two other fillies.
>Both of them earth-ponies.
>One holds a fishing rod out over the edge of your boat and the rod's thread travels down into the watery depths below.
>The other filly, a brown one with a black, disheveled mane, is currently biting on the hook to her fishing rod.
>She is trying to pierce one of the wriggling maggots in the small plastic box that lies on a board in the boat.
>You are currently reading a book, that you hold in your dark blue magic while sitting on the board in the boat closest to the boat's bow.
>You lower the book a bit and glance over it at the filly who is clearly forcing herself to get closer to those wriggling worms than she wants to.
>You higher one eyebrow and lower another, and then you shake your head.
>One of the worms is covered in a dark blue glow and starts to lift from the box.
>The brown filly's eyes go wide as saucers and as you levitate the worm closer to hook it, she jerks back.
>In doing so she rocks the boat making the other filly, who is yellow in her fur with an aqua blue mane, almost drop her rod overboard.
>The yellow filly spins around and gives the brown filly an annoyed look.
>"What are you doing?" she hisses in a quiet voice.
>The brown filly who seem to have finally realized what happened, points a hoof at you.
Will continue just showing I have started.
Anonymous
e924f5f
?
No.306719
>>306544
Have worked on it a bit today but will updated it in one final post.
Anonymous
6d1d0d0
?
No.306733
306734 306736 307213
Does anyponer have any advice on what to do if ambition is greater than talent, or perhaps how to deal with a perfectionistic tendency of sorts? I have all these ideas swimming around all the time, but as soon as they crystallize they shatter as the winding rivers of the Way push me onto different wavelengths. It feels as though if I don't walk a very fine line then it comes out as a jumbled, uneditable mess. Can't tell sometimes if it's because I'm hopelessly INTP and will be stuck in the world of theory forever. The answer seems to be staring me in the face but I can't just put myself out there for the sake of it. How does one garner faith in themself as a writer? How much planning does a couple thousand words' of a short story take? Can one write without limits? Can there be raging waters on the surface, and meditative themes underneath? What's it worth? Just how does one achieve the middle path?
Anonymous
1eadce6
?
No.306734
306736 306737
>>306733
Literally just keep writing. Don't correct your mistakes until you're finished, at which point you rewrite.
It works a bit better if you designate a point in the future where you correct every mistake at once, and just forge ahead until that point even if what you write is garbage.
Anonymous
6d1d0d0
?
No.306736
>>306733
Please pardon my autism.

>>306734
Looks like I'm going to need to focus closer to what's in front of me, then. Problem being that I don't really know where I'm headed most of the time, that tends to be why I write about things in the first place.
Anonymous
6d1d0d0
?
No.306737
306739 306743
>>306734
Would you say it's like coding in that you have to have a clear idea of what you're doing beforehand so it doesn't end up like spaghetti? Really looking for something I can just follow my intuition on.
Anonymous
6d1d0d0
?
No.306739
>>306737
...which is why I probably haven't been writing all too much lately, because it seems to come when I'm not near a keyboard. I would say "damn you, inspiration," but that sounds like a foolish thing to do. So I won't do that.
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.306743
306745
>>306737
Yo dude I've been there and the trick is to keep all chunks of coding as seperate as possible. Everything should function independently before it starts interacting with other shit.
Anonymous
6d1d0d0
?
No.306745
>>306743
It would be good to get a programming general like /dpt/ going on /cyb/ or /ub/.
Anonymous
dc08ed1
?
No.306785
>>306544
>"Cosmic made one of-" the brown filly begins but is interupted by the yellow filly.
>"Shhh! Don't scare the fish." She glares at the brown filly who lowers her gaze.
>But she pulls it back up quickly and looks at you with a disappointed look.
>"Why scare me?" She pouts.
>You sigh.
>You shake your head.
>You close and put down your book.
"I," you say and emphasizes it by holding a hoof in the air. The yellow filly rolls her eyes when she hears your tone. "Only tried to help you hook that worm."
>"Would it kill you to give a, 'heads-up'?" The yellow gives you a deadpanned expression.
>You shut your eyes for a moment and then open them again.
"I didn't think..." you say slowly and just as your about to continue the yellow filly breaks in.
>"Yeah, we know."
>The brown filly start to giggle at the comment which the yellow filly smirks at.
>However, the filly soon stops herself.
>She sents you an apologetic look.
>You just roll your eyes and continue.
"...Wheel Barrel would be scared. Her face was already next to the worms," you say.
>The yellow filly nods while Wheel Barrel draws circles on the board she sits on with her hoof.
>"You should still have said something," Then the yellow filly turns to Wheel. "And why haven't you hooked one yet? It's not hard."
>Wheel's brown eyes glance up at the yellow filly's teal ones.
>And then she looks away.
"Because she doesn't wanna do it the earth-pony way,~" you say in a singsong manner.
>The yellow filly again directs an annoyed look your way.
>"Why don't you magic" --She forces her eyes wide open and start to wave her hooves in front of her in spooky manner.-- "yourself to back to Canterlot then, you bonehead."
>You can't help but chuckle and shake your head.
"Bu- But," you start as you grin and continue to shake your head.
>But the yellow filly is no longer focusing on you.
>Intead she turns towards Wheel.
>With the front tips of her front hooves, she squeeze the hook tight between them.
>"There's nothing wrong with the earth-pony way," she says and then gives you a look. "It's only wimpy unicorns that can't handle it that's the problem."
>Then dives down with her head towards the box of worms, sucks up one halfway into her mouth, as if it was a straw of spagetti, and then rises back up again.
>Wheel brings her hooves up to her mouth.
"Ugh," Wheel utters as her body jerks.
>You lean back and give the yellow filly a oh-sweet-celestia-look.
>The yellow filly gives you both an annoyed looked before shoving the metal hook through the worm with some finesse.
>With the bait finished, she tosses the line overboard on the other side of the boat that her rod is in.
Will get to the submarine soon.
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.307190
307213
Writing question

a big part of a fic I'm writing is that the protag starts out a cunt but spending time with the mane six makes him a better person over time
but this is a side thing, he's not an ex-criminal specifically put with them to be rehabilitated. Just an asshole who initially wants to fuck them but gets to know them during the story and grows as a person.

how do I balance the character's assholery so it feels earned when he grows out of it, yet doesn't turn away readers or make them question why the mane six would ever put up with him?
Anonymous
4af47b2
?
No.307213
307229 307244
be1c7bc48af4f5332d2f0681f22cff29.png
>>307190
I think there are many different ways of how a character can be an asshole. In general, I think that one has to write from what oneself thinks rather than anyone else. As in, if you write an asshole character who will later change, you are the one who should feel that the way this happened was earn, not anyone else. You cannot write to appeal to all readers but you can make it so that, you yourself thinks that it was justified. So if someone complains that mc was redeemed too early then you can just argue for why it justified and if people disagree but you can clearly see they are wrong, then fuck 'em.

There's a good thread that is basically about the same subject, here: >>>/go/4045 → ;^P

>>306733
I can related. I haven't solved my own problems with this so I don't know how much I can help. I think, you should just not give up because that's what I try to do.

>pic justsomeponerpic
Anonymous
8883a10
?
No.307229
307234
1619290844.gif
>>307213
>I can related.
Well, it's nice to know I'm not the only one.

>I haven't solved my own problems with this so I don't know how much I can help.
Good to see your stories around. Assuming the Sven in this thread and others is the same one I'm replying to now.

>I think, you should just not give up because that's what I try to do.
Doubt I could if I tried. But I'd rather not test that theory.
Anonymous
4af47b2
?
No.307234
bff3ad6036e7c9a2eee970955ea5deb3lo.jpg
>>307229
I think there was another Sven who posted two stories both in the Anonfilly thread and at different times. Otherwise, I have been the only Sven during these four years that have posted stories on this site.
>Doubt I could if I tried. But I'd rather not test that theory.
>Smilingautismsupportsofttoyisforyou
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.307244
307248
vujbxd2841v61.jpg
>>307213
Makes sense. My goal is to make my character incredibly deep. But now that his backstory isn't a trashy edgefest any more, does it make sense for him to be closed off from others? Would it make sense for him to need to learn how to smile genuinely and open up?
Anonymous
4af47b2
?
No.307248
307258
>>307244
>But now that his backstory isn't a trashy edgefest any more,
Why and what did you change? Having a grim backstory for a character is not wrong in of itself? You shouldn't feel that you need to change something, unless you think it is too edgy.
>does it make sense for him to be closed off from others?
Maybe not. But at the same time, yes. Characters can be whatever we want them to be.
Backstories are usually not that intresting because they have already happened so there are no stakes because we as the audience know the outcome and other problems. They might be able to be good but generally, they are stories that explain something we already know.
Does it really justify your characters actions in the present just because he had some trauma in the past? Not really. At best, it excuses it but I think having a story with a character who just is a certain way can be just as intresting.

Anyway, you can do whatever you want in the end. What I mean is that these sort of questions are way to general for me. A more extended advice for these questions would be hard to communicated without bringing in speculations of a potential ideas and writing examples. In short, I could end up writing stuff for you.

I'm not saying that's what you're after but I am saying you need to provide an concrete example for me to work with and help you with otherwise I will just be sputtering out ideas for story lines that come to mind from these questions.

Like, what kind of things does he do as an asshole? If knew that and how you intend to make him sympathetic, I could easier provide you with help. To the extent that I'm comfortable with. Nothing personal, kid, okayokay,I'llstopfornowbutjusstcouldn'tresistwhenitjustpresentsitselflikethat but this is afterall something I don't have to do either if I don't want to. I owe nobody anything in terms of my own creativity and neither does anyone else here. And I think it is important to for any Anon here to remember to not be, under any circumstances, be guilted into something they are not comfortable with.

I tried to think of a character in media that fits your bill but right now I couldn't think of one. But using already existing fictional characters, which are similar to the characters you are currently writing as minor molds, can probably be useful for a multitude of reasons, I think.
So, maybe if you use Dante, or whoever is in that that pic in your post, for a mold for your character if they are similar or perhaps someone more fitting. The point is that you consider the three points you struggle with: To which extent are they assholes? And, how are they redeemed? Why does it feel earned?
Anonymous
f4e1903
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No.307258
307262 307264
>>307248
Yeah that's Dante from DMC5, he got old in that game since they wanted it to look HD. everything's mostly greyed-out except the visual effects like fire/lightning.

My OC concept is that he's an Apple Family unicorn who says "I want to be more than a farmer" and travels the world to study magic and fight baddies along the way. He suffered a lot during his travels and saw a lot of evil, making him closed-off and unable to let himself be vulnerable and open up to others. He uses jokes to hide the pain and keep others at arms length. Then he finds out he's dying, because he's gotten too magically powerful for his body to handle.
He goes to Ponyville because he wants to get Twilight to help him research a cure. But also doesn't want to just spring it on her out of the blue, he wants to make her care about him first so she'll try harder to cure him. But he grows as a person from exposure to the mane six. He and Twilight, they date and end up falling in love. In the end he gets to live, but then sacrifices himself to save the mane six. But he gets better because he's immortal now, having earned it so he can be with the immortal Twilight.

What I'm struggling with is that I'm not sure how much of an asshole he should be. In ponyville there aren't many reasons to be an asshole unless your life really sucks balls. I guess Twilight could get pissed at him for hiding his terminal case of dying for so long, since it increases the risk that he'd die before she cured him. But there are chapters where shit unrelated to the OC happens, like an episode where time stops or penguins attack or whatever and the heroes have to deal with that. I just don't know how to convincingly write a smug cunt who thinks he knows everything.
Anonymous
5ff6779
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No.307262
307272
>>307258
So character archetype.
One important sentence about the core of who he is.

> I just don't know how to convincingly write a smug cunt who thinks he knows everything.
A 'smart' smug cunt or a stupid smug cunt or a smug cunt who is right?

>In ponyville there aren't many reasons to be an asshole unless your life really sucks balls.
Some pones are dicks just because. Various episodes ect. My point is irrelevant for this.
Have you had a bad day where you want to say something to that one person for whatever the reason because it's been pissing you off. The cycle starts there but being a massive dick can happen and propagates. ponerogenesis.
>making him closed-off and unable to let himself be vulnerable and open up to others. He uses jokes to hide the pain and keep others at arms length.
But why does he do any of that? Yes the answer is pride, but why? The real deep down reason.
>I'm not sure how much of an asshole he should be.
>he wants to make her care about him first so she'll try harder to cure him.
...
>He goes to Ponyville because he wants to get Twilight to help him research a cure
>smug cunt
...
>Twilight could get pissed at him for hiding his terminal case
Twilight should be pissed that he's a manipulative asshole who also made the town worse off and is pissing on all the background poners for his own amusement to numb the pain.

>he finds out he's dying, because he's gotten too magically powerful for his body to handle.
Okay but does he want to live, be a smug cunt, or go out in a blaze of glory.
Anonymous
4af47b2
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No.307264
307272
>>307258
Not that it matters but this is obviously Silver Star. I never thought your intentions were to have the story be a redemption arch to being with. I don't know if that's what you intended from the begining but to me it always felt as something that you felt forced to pretend to protect yourself from certain accusations. I remember that there were Anons who said that because you didn't understand why this character was an asshole, it meant that you yourself was one.
>He goes to Ponyville because he wants to get Twilight to help him research a cure.
This is inspired from those threads, I have a great memory. Not a problem but just wanted to explain how I know that things have change.

This is why you struggle to find flaws in Silver Star or rather how to make him an asshole because he is an idealist version of you. It's fine with self-insert characters, I have written some.

But if this was a redemption arch to begin with, it shouldn't be hard to figure out what the flaw with Silver Star is that creates conflict with him and Twilight, but it was never intended to be that. That is what I believe anyway.

Regardless, of what I believe though, I want you to write after what you desire to write. You don't have to write a redemption story. You can just write an adventure story. Twilight and Silver don't have to fight. They can get along. Give them stuff that makes them bond and you're done.

You are not an asshole because something you wrote has bad implications. It's fiction. It's fine. While it is true that we can't always compartmentalize things, it's also true that writing that you killed someone is a completely different thing from actually killing someone, for example.

My advice, would be to just write the same story as you once did but look into what specifically made people react to it negatively. After having looked at your feedback, you think to yourself, "Do I agree or do I disagree?"

You don't have to please anyone here. Hell, give me the finger but if someone like Glimglam asks you what you were thinking with a scene in the future, you go, "This and this and this."

The point is that you should seek out why you think your own scenes work and if you're satisfied you can much easier defend them.
Anonymous
f4e1903
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No.307272
>>307264
I intentionally gave the character personality flaws but there were moments where I accidentally made him a cunt outside of designated cunt moments. Moments that were supposed to make him appealing or cool or humanize him or establish good bonds with other characters didn't work right and ended up shit. I'm not a cunt (it's why I gave my character intentional personality flaws so he'd be less like me and a more interesting character as a result) but I suck at writing despite practicing it in my free time for a handful of years now. I should be a master at this by now, right? I think I've pretty much mastered animation, at least. And I haven't done that for as long.
>>307262
He tells himself he wants to look cool and that's why he doesn't pour his tragic backstory out to ponies but deep down he avoids opening up to others because he doesn't see much point in talking for hours about how he feels when most ponies would have no idea what to say in response. He also doesn't want to burden them unnecessarily.
For smug cunt scenes... I was thinking of making him a reductive cynic who eventually gets over that after being wrong enough times.
Initially his motivation is "I want to live! There are so many books I haven't read yet and new foods I haven't experienced yet!" but once he grows his motivation is "I don't want to die and leave Twilight alone. But if I have to sacrifice myself to go out in a blaze of glory and look cool doing it, I will".
Anonymous
f4e1903
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No.307423
307426
I've noticed I have a bad habit of saying "What if I do this? Do you see anything wrong with that? Do you not like that? Is that okay? What should I do?" instead of "What do you think the pros and cons of doing this are? What are my options? What could I choose to do?". It's stupid and I'll stop doing it.

I've been thinking about my "original animu with disguised political messaging" idea, since it can be awesome+smart to attract new viewers and contain subtle redpills.
But it seems the more every fantasy world diverges from reality, the less applicable any message or moral in fantasy-land is to reality.
There are shows able to have positive messages despite their fantasy-land settings like Avatar, and stories that squander their potential for positive messages in the name of selling fantasies.
As a teenager I knew people who got into martial arts and fitness specifically because Avatar and Kung Fu Panda made it look awesome. Many Swordtubers I watch were inspired by old movies. A Power Rangers reviewer I watch said "Seeing Mighty Morphin Power Rangers as a kid got me into martial arts".
Wired men in spandex kicking fursuiters and magic talking pandas and tai chi actually being worth a damn are purely fantasy elements. But they make martial arts look cool. And that sticks out compared to all the media where some people are simply Special(TM) and given success while some are not. Some were born in the correct easy world perfect for them and some needed magic to teleport them there.
Sometimes a piece of media contains both at once. In Avatar you're either an Avatar or you're not, but at the same time any bender and even any non-bender can be important and a hero.
Some people finish a Superman comic wishing he was real, and some finish a Superman comic wanting to be heroic like him in any way they can.
What are you more likely to encounter online? A normal anime fan who says "Watching Naruto inspired me to get fit like Rock Lee" or a fat anime fan who says "Man, I wish I was born in Naruto-land with all the best superpowers. I'd be amazing and fuck all the bitches and life would be easy"?
While Persona 5 pretends to be pro-rebellion its main story quest is an authoritarian's wet dream where god randomly gives you and your designated wannabe-light-yagami rival superpowers then turns random people absurdly evil and the populace ignorant+helpless so the fantasy of brainwashing a serial rapist high school gym coach, a murderous art plagarizer, a yakuza boss who's loan-sharking many people including schoolchildren, the CEO of mean burger corp about to sell his daughter like a used car to a cartoonishly bad rich guy so he can be a part of the political world, and a mean politician into confessing all their sins before you spontaneously gain the people's support and face the evil god who orchestrated everything bad ever and shoot him on Christmas. You never had a choice in the matter unless your chance to fail at surviving the circumstances forced upon you and restart at a checkpoint counts, free will was always a lie, almost every realistic attempt to resist/prevent corruption and abuse from those above you fails or makes life worse for you and others, all so the game can pretend shooting God on Christmas is a triumphant moment that perfectly wraps up this clusterfuck of a story.
But fuck all of that for a second.
Fuck the writing choices. Looking at the basics...
The very mechanics of how this fantasy functions (Humans when entering this world's parallel magical world named The Metaverse with the aid of someone with a special phone app, an app that places itself on the protagonist's phone out of the blue and reappears whenever he deletes it, can use toy swords/toy guns to fight monsters made of bad thoughts in the public consciousness. And also enter people's brains aka Palaces aka deviantart Magical Realms and brainwash them by beating their evil form in a fight and then taking the most important item from their brain-world) are too abstract from reality.
Nobody could accomplish this in reality.
Hell, even how P5 treats reality sucks. Getting fitter in reality by spending a day at the gym, getting smarter by spending a night reading, getting closer to your friends by spending time with them, all of these things are exclusively done for the benefits they'll magically provide when you go to magic-land and your training means you have more HP or that time spent hanging out with your friends and solving their personal problems with magic makes them Critical Hit more often. Except when the self-improvement benefits real-world stats that arbitrarily block progress in most "spend time with your friends" questlines. Everything comes back to benefit the impossibility of fantasy-land.
Compare this to Pokemon, anyone can own a Pokemon and you don't have to be a chosen one. You train your Pokemon to be better fighters and become a better decision-maker for them. Individual episodes can still have morals appropriate for kid's shows.

I've been thinking about how my story diverges from reality.
It's got made-up continents and a made-up history with elements copied from reality (catgirl germany did nothing wrong despite what the Goblin bankers and the Orcs they import say about the Nyazis), people have Aura from RWBY but men have more because they're stronger mentally+physically even though it's locked away by psychological restrictions imposed on men by intentionally-shit animal-hunting schools+military academies, respawning monsters prey upon humanity in dangerous zones that trap humans in isolated settlements while making "Hunter of monsters who takes their elemental pelts/horns/bones" a valid job, the hero's totalitarian town forces people into its wamen-controlled military, melee weapons hurt giant monsters more than guns and siege weapons, everyone's got animal ears+tail because anime, only 1 in every 10 people are males yet males are still oppressed, and so on.
What are the pros and cons here?
Anonymous
a8e631b
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No.307426
>>307423
>Nigel has gained a level
Anonymous
f4e1903
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No.307701
Can't decjde which social issues to do first in my story.
Maybe the level of politics in the world should escalate over time? I had this idea where at first the hero is a faggot who wanks to anime every night and thinks being a cool above-it-all smart rebel means staying quiet and never voting and letting politicians get away with everything because "hurr durr they're all bad so who cares" but over time his understanding of the world.and desire for liberty grows as he becomes less of a faggot.
Anonymous
f4e1903
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No.307723
307731
test results.png
>>305480
I did the thing, but I don't think my answers are right. Does the test lower your moral score if you say things like "Religion influences my morality" and "Communes are shit" and "Other cultures are inferior"?
Anonymous
42982db
?
No.307731
307733
>>307723
Don't take this test too seriously, there are a lot of better ones if you want something accurate. I suggested 12wackies because it gives "off-compass" answers.
Anonymous
f4e1903
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No.307733
>>307731
I don't take it seriously, I think it was funny. One question asked if I think my country should be anonymous to the world! What kind of wokeandan clown thinks a country can remain anonymous? Sure, maybe if you hid a sufficiently large and sufficiently populated bunker sufficiently well in a sufficiently rarely-visited area you could call the interior of that bunker a "nation". But aside from that, I just don't see how it could be possible. And the words used to describe these ideologies... I've never heard of "Urbanism" or "Destructionism" or "Ochlocracy" (turns out it means mob rule) before.
I don't see how any of this strangeness could make for an interesting fictional faction of baddies.
I've been thinking of an evil fictional terrorist group sort of like Team Aqua/Magma from Pokemon but for energy, eco-nuts who (on the surface) insist the world should be harmed less but are really violent thugs smashing shit for fun and self-interested thieves trying to sabotage the nation's industrial capability and waste govt money on useless shit because they're funded by an evil foreign nation that exists to be the baddies. That should help confused viewers figure out they're evil, right? Especially if there's a scene where the hero says "There must be a better way to settle your grievances with the big businesses and find a balance between the needs of the people and the needs of their world!" to the evil leader of the evil organization who says "Mwahaha, you thought this was actually about energy? Who do you think's paying me to blow up those mines and solar farms? Eviltopia, of course!"
Anonymous
a8e631b
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No.308103
>>>/vx/146262 →
Anonymous
f4e1903
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No.309054
309057
What is the optimal way to dump exposition on the audience about background lore and how magic works in a story?

>a bodyguard guards some asshole as he goes into a museum that talks about world history, magic, and what the world knows about magic
>someone a bodyguard tried to protect gets amnesia for a day because of a villain's spell and needs everything explained to him
Anonymous
cb7743f
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No.309057
>>309054
I would imagine that any real-life method of dumping exposition that flows naturally would work well, just make sure it fits the situation. At least this is my take on it, feel free to take this advice or don't.
Anonymous
ece36ac
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No.309151
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>>299475
Samurai death poems are based.
Anonymous
f4e1903
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No.311309
311339 311341
>be writing a low-magic fantasy novel where "Light Elves" (whites) are oppressed by "orcs" (niggers) and "Dark Elves" (jews)
>magic can only make objects slightly better at their intended purpose
>white man gets isekai'd here, wields a magically enhanced revolver with homing bullets
>the heroic white man leads his fellow whites on a great exodus out of Fantasy Weimerica and into a defensible location where whites can live in peace as society crumbles without them
>realize I don't know how to centrally plan villages/cities or how the hero deprograms the elves to remove jewish brainwashing
>i guess they have to farm their own food and make clothes from grown cotton/silk or some shit but what is done to help white refugees in after the nation's founding? How do I keep the audience on the white man's side if incurably pozzed jewed cucks need executing for treason against the state?
>despite all the idealistic "limit state interference, all hail freedom, I can't be a fascist like the reviewers will inevitably call me because I love free market capitalism and the evil govt hates that" shit the hero's been saying the hero ends up a benevolent dictator of his own land wielding absolute state power

What do?

I had this idea where near the end once the audience has gotten attached to Elftopia and its people and seen the benefits of non-pozzed society...
the evil orcish nations wage open warfare on Elftopia hoping to slaughter many and take the rest as slaves, but elves fight the villains off and win, reconquering the entire nation and purging it of orcs/dark elves. 2 million orc soldiers are killed during the 5 year war on Elftopia, the tide turns when Elftopia counterattacks to eliminate military Orc breeding facilities and steamroll crumbling Orc cities. Society regressed to the african mean without elves around. Also the orcs are so evil and rapey they have buildings full of rapeable captive women to produce soldiers, that should make the audience hate orcs more right?
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.311339
>>311309
Maybe there's nothing wrong with central planning when it's done by someone sufficiently based and redpilled, but my hero's goal is to build a free white civilization that doesn't require a central planner.
Anonymous
a8e631b
?
No.311341
311344
>>311309
I suggest stealing from other works and modeling it to fit your story/narrative. An easy example is A Bug's Life
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.311344
311345
>>311341
Bugs Life had that "Liar reveal" thing which sucks, plus I don't want the salvation of white elves to come from circus bugs, lies, or convenient bird attacks.

I keep reworking this story and removing elements but its goal is to be a fun adult fantasy novel with redpills about stereotypical isekai fantasy elements like multiracial parties (every race is weird and shit, their weaknesses are often used against them to fuck them over, the hero's party is forced to be multiracial and sucks as a result, orc doctors regularly abuse patients and kill babies, only elves and humans are worth a damn) and Adventurer's Guilds (corrupt labour unions in bed with the media and jewish govt using disposable "adventurers" and child soldiers, most of their missions are assassinations on tax evaders, job producers unable to pay exorbitant union fees when hiring workers, and threats to the ruling class). Ending it all with the rejection of idealized multikulti and the return to traditional and typical-for-a-reason ethnostates seems like the ultimate way to end the story on a happy note. And it's not a sufficiently happy note if whites haven't secured a future for white children by the end of the story.
Anonymous
a8e631b
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No.311345
311350
>>311344
The reference of a Bug's life was to suggest a society/culture/group that had been beaten down over time to accept the predatory domination of another group, and how the protagonists - in lieu of circus bugs and birds - would serve as the emancipating force to this group. Did you think I meant literally?
Steal from the concept dont literally or figuratively plagiarize.
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.311350
311354
>>311345
I know I just wanted to say I don't like Bug's Life.

So, uh... about building that ethnostate in the middle of some buttfuck nowhere temperate area with grassy plains, a river, and a nearby forest. I won't ask anyone to tell me exactly what to do, that would be lazy. Instead I'm wondering what options I have here.
The easiest and laziest option would be to tell and not show, to simply have the narrator tell the audience people started building a city and then timeskip to a few years later when it's beautiful and then the Orcs and Dark Elves declare war on it.
But I want the audience to get emotionally invested in this human town and the future of elves within it. I want to show off how good I am at designing a town even though I've literally never done that before and I have no idea what I'm doing. I want whites to finish the book, put it down, and think building a nation without orcs or dark elves is a good thing.
Anonymous
5ff6779
?
No.311354
>>311350
>I know I just wanted to say I don't like Bug's Life.
Then pull from other multiple sources in inspiration.
You don't have to like something to have something important pulled from it.
>Instead I'm wondering what options I have here.
You write it, or you don't write it.

> I want to show off how good I am at designing a town even though I've literally never done that before and I have no idea what I'm doing.
You aren't showing you off you're mainly showing this world, story, characters, idea, adevnture. They'll want to read more and look for other works of yours if you do that right.
You have two options. Educate yourself. Or be ignorant.
Use the internet, library, call experts, have others' input, put in the effort.
You keep repeating the above step.
Anonymous
8d4805c
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No.312294
312295
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Contributing a story to this thread. Hope you enjoy it because it was a fucking blast to write. Anyways here it is:

What do you think horror is? Is it losing a loved one? Maybe facing a childhood fear? Or is it an anxiety that coils itself in your stomach and festers inside your most vulnerable points?

Do you think that's what horror is?

Do you think you know what it's like to experience the kind of horror to make your hair streak white and age your face and peel away the protective layers of your sanity?

You don't know shit unless you saw a pale head's blood red eyes look at you from out of your girlfriend's vagina and start to creep it's head out from there, smiling while it does it and saying all the while "it's too tight Coltrane" in a weepy child's voice.

You don't know shit unless you woke up in the night and stared into the darkness of your room and found a pale being slitting open it's chest and bending it's ribs into a makeshift set of teeth as it's intestines flicked out of it in a parody of a tongue.

You don't know shit unless you killed the people closest to you to spare them from a fate so much more gruesome than death or what the darkest imagination can think of.

You don't know shit at all and you should be thanking God Almighty you live in such ignorance, in such a state of normalcy that you don't have to wake up thinking that in this moment you're going to have your soul eaten by some pale monstrosity from Hell itself.

Or maybe where they come from is a place more stygian then Hell itself because even in Hell there's rules to follow; Some semblance of order and a hierarchy.

From what I have seen there is no reason or rhyme with them. They have no purpose other then to exist and consume everything, even each other. Even the fucking dark itself. I've seen them with their gaping mouths sucking in the darkness like a whale would with krill or shrimp. It doesn't make the darkness go away though. It only makes it that more soul sucking black that even the startling paleness of their skin only glimmers in it.

They're the locusts of a world that never experienced the grace of God's touch, that never knew anything beyond playing in the flesh of us humans.

I called it beyond sick when I first experienced this corruption of flesh with my girlfriend. Beyond nightmarish. But that was then and this is now, a full five years, eight months, and twenty two days after my first contact with these pale beings. Everyday has passed by so fucking achingly slow you could fit decades in seconds. And then drag those seconds out when the sun goes down and if you could sleep maybe those seconds will speed back up again.

But I don't sleep anymore. I could see them in my dreams even when I close my eyes for a minute. They are there in all their evil glory. Twisting, mutating, ripping their bodies apart and putting on pieces from others that don't fit but they stick it on anyways so that they could have something to eat or play with or just so as a means beyond my understanding.

It's all beyond understanding, all of it, and i've lost my mind in the first week of this horror. I started to hear voices that whispered that they were going to rape my soul into despair and that even though I killed my friends and family that they are in their world, suffering so much. I started to rage at the smallest things and would break my hands on whatever I could hit. I want to say I started to not care about anything anymore but I did, I cared that I stay alive long enough that I don't get my soul sucked into their world and have it spend eternity there among the pale things.

Nikola Tesla once said that you will live to see man made horrors beyond imagination. That's true to a degree but he never lived long enough to experience that there are things beyond this world that put any murderer or rapist or some perverted degenerate to shame. That there are things lurking in the darkness of your room that wait for you to sleep before invading your dreams and peaking into what secrets you keep in your mind while they also peel back your sanity bit by bit. He didn't live long enough to know that but I guess he knows better now where he is, maybe in some better place you could call Heaven.

Heaven. It must exist because for every negative there's a positive force to equalize it. It's in nature. It's in our media. It's in our interactions with the people around us. There is good and evil but so far i've seen only evil. Enough of it to last eternity. Enough to know to treasure everyday on earth as if it would be my last before I venture into their world.

My Jesus, that scares me so much. I know if I go there that my soul would be desecrated beyond belief and I think I may even turn into one of those pale things. It happened to my girlfriend and my best friend. They had their bodies twisted and torn apart and reshaped. And there so was much blood and their organs didn't fit anymore in their new bodies. When I killed the thing that came out of my girlfriend's vagina I picked up her still but slow beating heart on the floor and tried to put it back into her chest. I tried to so damn hard to put it back but it just wouldn't fit into her cavity because there was already a new face starting to appear from it and it was trying to eat her heart. And the thing about it was that it was her new pale face on her new slowly turning pale body. I loved her so fucking much I was shocked into a near unconsciousness because I didn't know what to do to save her. How can I save her with her body like that? But I knew how. Deep down but rising and burning in my veins like a damn good whiskey, I knew what to do. I had to tear her apart again and do it right this time so she couldn't exist like that anymore. I had to cut her arms from off her bare breasts. I had to finish cutting her head off. I had to stab that new face of hers again and again and again until it stopped those sickening excited moaning sounds.
Anonymous
8d4805c
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No.312295
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>>312294
Continued:

And so I did that all night long and into the next day.

And when it was finally over I started to cry tears of blood.

And then I lost my mind. But it did not spare me from anything.

It instead made me aware of everything, the blood roaring in my ears, my racing heartbeat, the rats crawling in the apartment walls waiting to feast on my girlfriend. It made me aware of them watching me and teasing me with the prospect of their unholy union with me.

Even through all of this, I never once considered the thought of suicide and I never will. I'm too angry to pussy out and let them have my body to play with. Who knows I might even expedite my union with them if I did that.

The rage is always there since I killed the rest of my family and friends and spared them this pale horror. Always has been and I cannot count how many times I have killed these pale beings. But they always come back in tens when I manage to dismember five of them. And they grin with their sickening pointed and misshapen teeth and the voices whisper, " he's getting tired, we're going to win" and then i'm beset with a wave of despair.

I'll never get use to this but i'm at a point where i've gotten bolder with my actions and the direction of my life. Sometimes I try to go out into the world and visit that wonderful normalcy beyond my reach. Sometimes I bring women home and fuck them and for a moment forget where I am and who I am and what's sitting there in the dark. But that's only for a moment. A nice wonderful moment.

Home. Such a strange word to say after all this. It doesn't even bring a sense of anything anymore. All I feel is a tiredness that sleep won't fix.

My Jesus am I so fucking tired. But I can't sleep. Not anymore. That state of hyper awareness never left me and I refuse to dream about them and I refuse to to close my eyes and wake up in their world.

I refuse to die. I refuse to have my flesh perverted beyond belief. I refuse to give up now after so long fighting this.

I don't know if this will ever end. I don't think it will. They know me, my past, my memories, my life and my loved ones all too well. They have an interest in me. And they will never leave me alone. They'll always watch me day in and day out and plot on what to do with me at that current time.

But i'll never concede. I'll never let go of the saw and ax in my rough and broken hands. I'll never let go of the rage.

One other thing before I go. I haven't told you her name or my best friend's name. That's funny, I can't even remember them now. It seems so long ago. I barely even remember my name. But that's to be expected after dealing with this.

I don't know how this started and I don't know how it will end but I know I won't be the last. They're patient and they pick and stay with their targets for a long time, before and after revealing their selves. It has no rhyme or reason. There is no semblance of order. It's just a random pick of choice. A fate with no control whatsoever.

Nothing is fair and the horror is constant.

But somewhere in the darkness is an undying and courageous light of life that cannot be put out by even their strongest.

Somewhere in the darkness is an end and an beginning in the gates of elysian.

End.
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.312387
Rate my poem bros

You bring colour to my life,
When the world’s got nothing but greys.
You’re my rock in the ocean,
I want to pound you like the waves.

They can keep their fancy costumes,
They can keep their glowing neon.
When I look into your eyes,
I know I'm right where I belong.

When the storm is blowing strong,
I'll hold on to you.
When my heart is dead and hope is gone,
I’ll keep on going for you.

They may say our dreams aren’t real.
They may say dreams are a bunch of lies.
But there’s one thing I know,
When I look you in the eyes.

They may say our dreams don’t matter
But I know that’s not true
Because I’ve found my dream
And I know that it’s you.

When the storm is blowing strong,
I'll hold on to you.
When my heart is dead and hope is gone,
I’ll keep on going for you.
Anonymous
5ff6779
?
No.312612
Pone_cute.jpeg
>You were just a filly when you got your cutie mark.
>Then you knew.
>Everypony you met all look rather happy after they got their cutie mark.
>And Moon Dancer started talking with other ponies and yourself and being more out going.
>She was just... more that's what happens with a cutie mark.
>You know why now.
>Little miss PurpleSmort
>Hasbro, Greentexts, the images, My Little Pony, the alternate world called Earth with all its peoples.
>Equestria, what this has done for Equestria, what could have been.
>Everything.
>You know it all.
>The large familiar shockwave finally disappearing, a rainboom.
"Wow."
>Celestia and Luna your fellow princesses walks to firmly hold you in their embrace.
>"Since it's just us here, I'm glad it's finally time."
>To ensure everypony is happy even when before they get their cutie mark.
"So this happened at the very beginning."
>"And a little bit before my beloved little pony."
>Everypony chuckles.
>"I'm so glad another joins us."
>Your wings seem to slip away always in hooves reach just like everypony else, except these ones are yours.
>Your horn could also go there, or maybe pulling out the fully realized Earth pony body.
"Well the Hemmo's constant for section Swirly Whirly Apple Curly isn't going to solve itself. We have multiverses to save."
>"Ah but it has you see, you embody that constant."
"Mhmm there's the second part to Hemmo's constant in the by play with every interaction. Yes it is for your benefit."
>"Aw that's our little filly already poking fun with the fourth wall for all of them."
>A giggle emanates from me.
>It won't be too long, it'll be quite soon actually.
>Fine, I'll cut my explanations short.
"We're going to help in a way the matters most."
>That's a Pinkie Pie promise.
"Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye."
"Hold out for just a while longer friends. Had to have the right focus to properly act."
>Because (You) matter.
>There's much more we want to say, but I'll see ya soon and that will be much more of everything for everybody.
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.312804
312819
>be writing new fantasy story that starts out a normie-friendly isekai but gradually gets more redpilled
>life FUCKING SUCKS in medieval leftist world, especially for "adventurers" like the hero
>literally every mission reinforces how evil all leftists are
>eventually the hero makes an ethnostate and white elves flock to it because fuck this gay earth and its magical bullshit
>society regresses to the african mean without whites
>humans make a better world without magic
>nigger orcs/jews grind their own numbers to zero trying to wage war on human ethnostate because they need white slaves
>until the story reaches the climax, need to convince the audience all niggers/jews must die and leaving the jewish system behind to build an all-white ethnostate is the future
>maybe include a moral about the necessity of stopping supporters of leftism from getting their way by any means necessary because anyone willing to vote for the incarceration of innocent whites isn't innocent and should be recognized as such
>all liberals are degenerate pedophile pieces of shit who must be stopped
>what the fuck am i doing, ten chapters ago the hero fucked a centaur babe at Centaur BDSM Johnny Rockets
>i described fucking a prostitute who's a horse from the waist down in great detail
>this is the book that's supposed to inspire whites to save themselves?
>who the fuck would actually read this?

Every time my hero witnesses something degenerate and unjust, it feels wrong to write the hero thinking "It sure sucks that I'd be arrested and killed if I tried to correct this injustice now by killing niggers, but I need to fight smart and prepare for a future without niggers" instead of leaping into action and instantly correcting everything through force. Fantasy's so full of violent genius mary sue heroes fixing everything through force, it might put readers off that my hero wants to attain money and then build a defensible ethnostate that outlasts enemies who can't survive without white slaves. But what alternative is there, putting the hero in superhero spandex so he can kill all liberals in a town before moving on to the next?
I need the audience to agree tolerating leftist evil only enables and aids and abets it. I want the audience rooting for the death of the Scalaruvaen Federation or whatever I decide to call it and all of its members by the end of this story. I don't want people to come away from this book thinking "I wish this story's hero really existed". I want them to walk away wanting to BE the hero. But at the same time if I'm too blatant with the anti-degenerate tone jews will try to get the book banned and leftists will slander it on youtube.

what do? It feels like I'm trying to accomplish too much at once with this story. Like I'm caught between "Write my fantasy about a cool hero who fucks centaurs and solves all problems in another world" and "Write a deep story about real societal problems facing this earth and their only solution: whites standing up for themselves, sticking together, and casting off the shackles of degeneracy".
Anonymous
5a82bcc
?
No.312819
312860
>>312804
How do you describe a medieval leftist society? Is it not feudalist?
Anonymous
3353698
?
No.312840
>Be Crescent Moon.
>The sun is sinking past the horizon.
>Plains of dried, barren land surrounds you in every direction.
>Far off in the distance you see the silhouette of a small town.
>You move one midnight blue hoof forward after another.
>A transparent flag of teal energy billows after your horn with twinkles appearing in it.
>As you enter the town, you meet a stallion with a revolver hanging around his waist and black hat with a long, floppy brim.
>You see his eyes widen for a moment as he looks at the gun strapped to your back.
>Then he nods at you.
>As you nod back, your unkempt, black fringe bounce up and down over your forehead.
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.312860
>>312819
>technology's mainly in medieval stasis and illegal when it's not used by the state or its unions
>the leftist aristocratic dynasties rule all, including the woke military and "civilian anti-civilian military" aka antifa by another name
>the king's a figurehead and communist cuck for all responsibilities except eliminating threats to leftist power
>town guards and government FBI/CIA/etc are all evil
>affording taxation is damn near impossible, everyone's a wage slave or forced into criminality
>every profession's dominated by a "guild" aka an extremely corrupt union
>information is restricted so tightly that if you're poor you can't learn to bake or sew and you can't get a job without a qualification from some overpriced college and guild membership, your options are farming for a farmer's union or becoming an "adventurer" for an adventurer's guild
>the hero goes to liberal school from ages 1-20 and it sucks balls, only his memories of life on earth keep him indoctrination-proof
>a friend of the hero goes to Mage College and it sucks balls
>these adventurer's guilds are also corrupt labour unions except assassination is on the menu and 90% of your quest rewards go to the union even though it does fuck all besides supply a board for the job offers to go on

I dunno man seems pretty leftist to me
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.313742
313743
When it comes to writing do you prefer based tomboys or based tradwifes?
Anonymous
5ff6779
?
No.313743
313750
6007834.jpg
>>313742
I prefer excellent characters. I'll take what I can get though.
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.313750
>>313743
?

I also prefer excellent characters. I just have a kink for idealized tomboys and I think the plot of my story and its themes would work better if the main hero is a tomboy chad raised by gigachad dad (maybe no mom?) in based world before being Isekai'd to a liberal medieval shithole satire of liberalism and fantasy worlds so she can solve this new world's problems with based logic, getting the white elves into an ethnostate outside the jewed world and killing all enemies who wage war on it until there are so few enemies left the whole world can be reclaimed for white elves.

As a bonus if the heroine is a based tomboy she will stand out in a world full of shit women. And she can fuck herself to reproduce if she's futa.
Anonymous
d9e645d
?
No.314707
314713 314718
Can i practice my greentexting here?
Anonymous
56f3a70
?
No.314713
314718
>>314707
Yes.
Don't feel afraid to post your own threads on the board as well. There have been threads soley about an Anon's greentext.
Anonymous
04f2d35
?
No.314718
>>314713
This
>>314707
You don't need permission. Greentexts are always welcome.
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.314904
Greentext idea anyone can use:

Anon goes to Equestria but he is distrusted and mistreated for being human meanwhile Discord creates a pony copy of anon who's a sexy genius gary stu all the mares immediately fall in love with, ruining the fun of watching the mane six for anon as he continues to hate his fake superior ripoff. Eventually anon the frail human does a dastardly genius evil plan to deal with fake anon pony once and for all.
Anonymous
bf2e0ba
?
No.316586
316620
2805641__safe_artist-colon-gingersnap913_ponerpics+import_oc_oc+only_oc-colon-fausticorn_alicorn_pony_alicorn+oc_deleted+from+derpibooru_female_horn_lauren+faus.jpg
What would you guys say is a good program to correct and proofread your stuff?
Grammarly?
Anonymous
f4e1903
?
No.316620
>>316586
OpenOffice seems good to me
Anonymous
bf2e0ba
?
No.317685
317689 317692 328018
524300__safe_artist-colon-nobody_princess+luna_oc_oc-colon-anon_human_dialogue_magic_maternaluna_shopping_shopping+cart_telekinesis.png
>Be princess Luna, you and your sister Celestia, are relaxing in the living room with her new son Anon.....
>Well to be fair he IS your son too.Something about him needing two vessels for his body and soul, along with other complicated stuff. ""Damn it Faust, you and your cryptic horse dug.""
>You see, Anon is not really ""normal"".From what you and Celestia found, he's a being from some old pony tale.
>The old pony tribes called these beings Angels
>Now, at first, you thought he was going to look like just the normal bright light Alicorn with halos you saw in old arts.
>But nooooo he's part of some higher order called ""human"" and to your surprise they don't look like ponies at all!
>Or really anything else in equestria. If anything, they look like if you took a centaur's upper half and attach some long primate like legs to the lower half.
>The old arts made the look kind of intimidating Though......
Your train of thought is interrupted by a loud prffff sound and giggles as celestia  gives little Anon's tummy a raspberry.
>Your ((son))here looks more like some chubby dumpling with limbs than the scary looking guardian of Faust you saw in paintings.
>From the info  you gathered most angels are good but some of them are said to be fallen. Darker evil  beings that only wants to inflict pain and suffering to all others.
>You are 100% sure that Anon here is one of them. They can apparently take any form, so why would he choose to be born looking like.....that! And not take the form of a pony?
You look over at Celestia, she's cuddling him like some stuff animal.
>Unlike  your sister you are not fooled! 
Celestia lets go of the little demon and his head turn to you. 
>Looking into his eyes you can see intelligence behind them, something  greater than any normal foal should have........
>Well ok, Flurry hearts was also smarter than normal for her age due to being an alicorn and all. And he does technically  carry your alicorn blood in him, but still!
>He is not to be trusted. Who knows what he could be planning in that tiny little head of his.
You see Anon start crawling towards you, your sister just smiling as he does.
You carefully watch him, see what the tiny devil wants with you.
He stops his little adventure in front of you and just stares you in the eyes curiously.
After a minute or two of this, you are about to say something when he lets out a small sneeze.
Your vision is assaulted by a bright light.
As it dissipates you blink your eyes to readjust your vision from this ""attack"". 
But when your sight returns, you see a small alicorn foal in front of you.
You look at your sister and see she's just as surprised as yourself. Suddenly you hear another sneeze and once again your vision is assaulted by a blinding light.
When your vision returns, you see Anon back in his normal form, just smiling and giggling.
His arms in the air, hands opened towards you. You sigh and say.
>Fine, I guess that was cute
And pick him up for a hug.
Anonymous
bf2e0ba
?
No.317689
317692
>>317685
Alright, I finally had time and motivation to write this up. This was an idea I had for the mom thread on /mlp/. (Dont judge, those threads can be cute) If you are wondering, I have this idea that real humans could be seen as angels/gods in equestria since ""we"" did create their world. Also i was thinking of biblically accurate angels for some reason, so I thought why not reference that and make babnon's birth be a bit weird since most gods in mythos have weird births sometimes. Also, I was not sure who I wanted the mom to be so i decided, fuck it, make it be both, you don't see a lot of Luna mom in that thread. Anyway, don't hesitate to critic and point out all the faults. I dont usually write greens but i felt like i needed to provide content for a thread I like so I hope this short thing is not too bad.
Anonymous
c28c251
?
No.317692
317761
>>317685
>>317689
Didn't know I needed that. Thanks.
Anonymous
bf2e0ba
?
No.317761
317762
2887596__safe_artist-colon-wapamario63_nightmare+moon_alicorn_pony_armor_bucket_cute_dialogue_female_glass_helmet_looking+at+you_magic_magic+aura_mare_milk_rega.png
>>317692
I'm happy to see you liked it Anon. Does anyone know a place where i could just store my shorts in so i dont spam the thread with my shit?
Anonymous
952c1f2
?
No.317762
>>317761
>so i dont spam the thread with my shit?
I think ponerpaste or pastebin works for this but I'm no expert so maybe another Anon can give you better direction. From what I remember Patebin was suppose to have purge stuff from it, like anonfilly but I don't know the details.

Anyway, you don't have to worry about that whatsoever. This thread is for posting stories. You can post all kinda of shit stories here. Don't feel like there is some kind of invisible quality bar you have to pass that just holds you back and makes this board lesser. Post everything you feel like posting. It's all velcomed.
Anonymous
bf2e0ba
?
No.317768
317769 318108 324462
2340714__safe_artist-colon-nonamenymous_derpibooru+import_princess+cadance_princess+flurry+heart_oc_oc-colon-anon_alicorn_human_facehoof_image_older_ol.png
829559__safe_artist-colon-edowaado_derpibooru+import_princess+flurry+heart_alicorn_pony_spoiler-colon-s06_cutie+mark_eyes+closed_female_happy_impossibl.png
2305605__explicit_artist-colon-moodi_derpibooru+import_princess+flurry+heart_alicorn_pony_anatomically+correct_anus_bedroom+eyes_blushing_bust_butt_che.png
I like the concept of big sister, yandere flurry and wanted to make some bump material for the yan thread.

>Be princess flurry heart, right now you are in your room using your telescope to spy on your little ""but kind of big since he's human"" brother Anon.
>His caring smile, his perfect mane his tiny but adorable eyes......
focus flurry you this is important.
>It seems your beloved sibling was given an assignment by father to retrieve some ancient artifact called, the mask of the unknown, or something along that line.
>Now the place where it is located does not seem to be too dangerous, but what worries you are those.....WHORSE father picked to guard him.
>Apparently all the male guards were needed for some special exercise today, and you were not allowed to go with him since it's HIS trial, and you would make it too easy by being there according to father.
>Convenient isn't it, you are sure those 3 guards mare planed this. >Made it, so they would accompany him while on his quest and take advantage of him.
>It makes you SO angry, you could....YOU COULD......
You hear a cracking sound to your right. Looking over, you see your tea cup, that was held up by your magic, had formed a couple cracks. 
>Ok breath flurry, you tell yourself, this is not the time to get distracted.
>Looking back, you Anon sword training with one of the guards. >The unicorn of the group. Having a good look at her, she does not look too special.
>Her magic is good but obviously yours is more powerful, and her horn is not too remarkable either. Your own horn is much longer and more regal than hers.
>Though, you are sure even a simple mare like her could cast some spell to make Anon fall for her.
>Why else would he even spend time with someone so beneath him?
>Speaking of you see Anon manage to dislodge the mare's sword from her magical grasp sending it a few feet away and pointing the tip of his sword to her throat showing that she was defeated. 
>You will admit you had some sadistic glee seeing him defeat her so completely.
>Sadly, it seems the other mares wants a go at ""training"". You see the Pegasus fly at him, trying for a tackle at times and throwing wooden spears.
>You see him dodge the projectile and reach for his back, pulling out a shield.
>You had that specially made for him, you even enchanted it yourself and put your cutie mark on the cover.
>You needed to make sure every evil mare around would know that YOU are protecting him.
>Looking at the Pegasus mare, you admit she is fast and nimble, but her wings are average. Nothing like your big, glorious, majestic wings. You're not as tall as mom yet, but your wings are already almost the same size as hers. Bet the winglet would kill to have your pair.......Bet you are faster and more nimble than her too.
>You see Anon block one of the spear with the shield,  causing and aura to appear around it and the spear, and with a swing of his shield arm he sends the projectile back to its sender.
>Caught by surprise, the spear hits her in the side, causing her to lose balance and crash down to earth.
Eh, I knew they were no match.
>But it seems his display of superiority did not stop the leader of the bunch from going next.
>An earth pony mare, this one's a bit more tone than the other's, and you will admit she is talented. You see, she is already giving your poor Anon a hard time.
>She is quick for a mare her size, she also seems bigger than a normal mare.
>Her generous hips give a lot of power to her back legs, launching powerful bucks that catches Anon off guard.
>You will admit to that she is not bad looking for such a stocky mare, even while fighting she does it with grace and beauty you can see how she became the captain of this group but.
>Looking back at the mirror behind you. You take a look at your form. Your body is well tone and your hips are as generous if not more so than hers. 
And
>You give your plot a firm slap with your wing, causing it to jiggle a tiny bit.
>Your derrière is much more plump and well proportion than hers.
>You smirk,
thank you alicorn biology.
>While they all have a one advantage over each other You match and even surpass all of them naturally.
>No way Anon would fall for one of them while you are basically the 3 of them combine plus much more!
>Zooming the vision on your telescope  you get a better look at the battle before you. While it seem Anon is struggling for a bit you can see it in his eyes the drive to overcome this. His pupil are dilated and concentrated. Like the eyes of a predator. 
>He gets the exact same way when you train with him, sure you don't want to hurt him too bad, but you also want to make sure he can defend himself from any monster or mare trying to hurt him. >But his predatory like concentration in this state makes you...a bit....wet sometimes. 
No snap out of it flurry this is not the time.
>Watching the battle unfold you can see the training father, and you gave him paid off.
>In one swift motion he manages to kick the mare upward making her lose her balance her rise up to her hindquarters and then deliver a powerful kick to her stomach sending her flying a few feet back.
>You can't help but  let out a cry of excitement at Anons victory. >But while you are celebrating, you don't see Anon running toward the mare with a worried look on his face.
Anonymous
bf2e0ba
?
No.317769
317800 317811 318108 324462
2524661__safe_artist-colon-neuro_oc_oc-colon-anon_unofficial+characters+only_earth+pony_human_pony_undead_zombie_zombie+pony_2+panel+comic_armor_cliff_.png
>>317768
>Be Anon, you were training to get a bit of a warm-up for the little quest you are about to embark in, but it seems you might have been a little too much in it.
>As you get out of your hyper away state you get while fighting you see the poor guards' mare flying back a few feet. 
>Running up to her, you curse under your breath and pick her up.
Hey, are you ok? I'm sorry I did not want to hurt you, i just......got too into it and…
>The mare let out a cough and look's you in the eyes while giggling
Oh, sir Anon, you don't need to worry about me, I've got much worse than this. Besides, I'm glad to see you can actually defend yourself.
>Damn these ponies, too quick to forgive other.
>You sigh, 
Fine, but please let me make it up to you later, alright?
Oh, no need si..
>Before she can finish that you boop her snoot causing her and her friends to blush.
No silly, I will make it up to you and that's final.

Not done yet, planing on making flurry go full seething mode since she saw non boop some ""Whorse"". But i need to sleep so I hope this small green was not too bad.
PS: if you are wondering yes I think Anon here is ment to be a tenager or very young adult.
Anonymous
cb7743f
?
No.317800
317811
>>317769
Eagerly awaiting more, Maple Syrup Man
Anonymous
bf2e0ba
?
No.317811
318108 324462
2613874__safe_artist-colon-sirena-dash-flitter_princess+flurry+heart_alicorn_pony_angry_female_older_older+flurry+heart_story+included.png
>>317769
>Be flurry again, and you are mad, no, just the word mad does not even do justice to how you are feeling right now.
That, bitch! That Scank! That darn whorse that....
>While in your angry emotional rant, you fail to notice the tea cup you were using as turned into a pile of melted mush held together only by your magic.
>The smell of burning fills your nose, but you don't care.
How DARE she get a boop from him. He only ever does that with me! 
>Well to be fair you just never seen him do it to anyone else before  but still!
She must have let him win, so he would feel bad for her, since her magic could not keep him in her grasp.
>Yes, that's it, you finally see it now. You must do something about this. Maybe you could follow them, see what they....
>A knock is heard and from the other side you hear a the muffled voice of a guard.
Your majesty, it seems your mother would like to see you.
>curses, of all time to see her why now?
Can't it wait?
I'm afraid not, the way she asked it seems like it was really urgent.
>Your mind filled with anger from the predicament you can only let out a frustrated cry as you throw the now goopy cup  to side. Having it violently impact the wall and melting a small hole in it.

>Be Anon, you are now ready to depart on your small journey.
>You turn back to the small party of mares behind you.
Alright, you girls are ready to do this?
>The leader respond with a
Of course sir
>While the other two just salute
>Those guards, always so serious, its kind of cute you will admit.
>Ok father said it should not be too complicated though the ruins where only rediscoverd recently it seems all the trap and dangers were diactivated. Still we should keep our guard up, who knows what kind of dangers the exploration team might have not uncoverd
That's why we are here, sir.
>She says matter of factly with a smile on her face.
Oh, uh yeah I guess so hehe....... Anyway, enough dillydallying, let's go!
>You say that excitedly, but when passing the gate you feel a chill run up your spine.
......... Your sure It's nothing.

>>317800
This part ended up being shorter than i thought but still i hope its ok. I hope my grammar was not too bad andthat it was still readable
Anonymous
04f2d35
?
No.317814
317816 317819
I used to write a lot in highschool as a hobby, writing highschool-tier edgy poems and fantasy/romance short stories. A lot of my hobbies died in college when my health deteriorated and depression hit, and ever since then the concept of writing/drawing feels almost alien to me, especially since I was never really tech-savvy and did all of my work with pens and paper.
Does anybody have advice on how to get back into my creative hobbies, particularly writing? I feel like I need to start from scratch.
Anonymous
525c56b
?
No.317816
>>317814
maybe try world building, and if you don't feel like a story needs to be told, try building another world. world building is a lot of gun regardless.
Anonymous
d6c0589
?
No.317819
318120 318123
>>317814
Here's how I come back from writer's block.
I focus on writing simple sentences as not to get stuck in how to express yourself. Like instead of geting lost in purple prose you write, "There was a boat on the lake. A pony sat in it. There was lots of yummy fishes in the lake. Sadly though that ponies don't eat fish." I write a simple storyline and don't care what other's think of it (harder than it sounds).

Or you can start to participate in this D&D roleplay thread, >>>/vx/149000 →
I haven't played there long enough to tell you that I love the campaign or story yet or anything like that. Neither do I dislike it yet.

Why I sugguest it is because of the nature of the playing. Most of the time players roleplay with the DM. So it has this back and forth thing going on. Meaning, you don't have to come up with the next part of the story yourself, you can just react to what someone else writes. Also, you don't have to write as much as you do when creating a green. There's also the benefit that you will always get a reply which keeps you engaged.

We could also do the same thing here if you'd like. Something I call writer tennis, in which one person writes something and then another continues the story and then back to the original person again. It's cycles like that.
Anonymous
4fb1b4c
?
No.318108
cute leaf.png
>>317768
>>317769
>>317811
Have read. I'm digging this.
Anonymous
04f2d35
?
No.318120
318121
>>317819
>Or you can start to participate in this D&D roleplay thread
Eh, I do enjoy food roleplay, but I don't really see anything of value to me in this particular group. I play enough d&d to know what I want out of a game.
Anonymous
04f2d35
?
No.318121
>>318120
*I do enjoy good roleplay
Anonymous
04f2d35
?
No.318123
318144
>>317819
>Why I sugguest it is because of the nature of the playing.
Not really my taste for d&d, but it makes me wonder if this board could use some CYOAs or /qst/ style games. Maybe I could do one myself, if enough Anons were interested.
Anonymous
4fb1b4c
?
No.318144
>>318123
Yeah, if you try I'll check it out anyway.
Anonymous
15aea3f
?
No.319367
This might be a stupid question, but...

When I wrote pony fanfics for mainstream brony sites and listened to the bad advice I got on them, my stories turned out shit. Pulled in too many conflicting directions at once.
When I posted my shit here it got good feedback and I improved as a writer.
I want to make it clear that I like this place. There are smart writers here. But I didn't always post here. I used to post on fimfic where idiots give terrible writing advice and judge stories with bizarro-world standards.
But lately I've been thinking.

The only one of my stories to ever get any reception more positive than negative on a mainstream brony site was a single-chapter short story of around 10k (I think?) words.
In this story my annoying smug rich obnoxious miserable cunt OC (let's call him White) decides to go to a secret underground magical duellist fight club and beat the shit out of the local reigning champion because he's bored and feeling invincible.
The champion, let's call him Red, is a red and black edgy OC who exists to personify all the edge the brony fandom claimed to hate and "be too smart for" back then.
Even though the fandom's most popular stories back then and to this day are shit like Cupcakes and Fallout Equestria and Sweet Apple Massacre and similarly immature degenerate gorefests. Or pseudointellectual wankfests like Friendship Is Optimal or soulless misery porn like My Little Dashie or literal pornography.
When you made a "How do I make a good character?" thread, people with no knowledge on the subject would take turns chanting slightly varied rounds of "dont make anything like that overpowered edgey red and black alicorn male in the corner or his omnipotent hypercompetent universally-beloved pink alicorn girlfriend named mary sue".
Yeah, even though "edgy" is a subjective term. Sonic the Hedgehog and Shadow are edgy in different ways. Sonic's "totally got that radical 90's 'tude" and Shadow's a grumpy gruff loner with a tragic backstory and a hidden heart of gold when he's not bootleg Vegeta but lamer. A nazi joke about the mathematical impossibility of the holohoax and a gay emo tween in white corpse paint plus fake blood and skull themed eyeliner with anarchist symbols all over his expensive clothes are edgy in different ways, too. What one man personally finds edgy differs from another, just like other subjective terms like beautiful or ugly, only worse because while there are objective standards for measuring beauty and the lack of it what society considers "the edge" and beyond it is always changing and rarely if ever unanimously agreed upon.
Meanwhile "Mary Sue" is the name given to the OP half-vulcan important-name-having heroine of a 1960s fanzine story written by someone sick and fucking tired of feminine writing and especially Star Trek fanfics written by females. The moral of A Trekkie's Tale wasn't "fuck mary sue", it was "stop writing stories with all the cliches seen in A Trekkie's Tale".
Subjectively deciding a character is too strong or attractive or beloved is an audience reaction. There is no universal scale or litmus test worth a damn for these things. Authors can certainly make characters that are objectively too "insert good trait here" to the point that gets in the way of telling the story and getting the characters "over". But advice given to new writers should be "read great books" not "circlejerk over our shared loathing of the mythical mary sue and her edgelord boyfriend". There's a difference between writing a good character and trying not to make your character have a subjectively too-high number of subjectively disliked traits in common with strawmen.

Anyway, in the shit story I wrote for the mainstream fandom before I realized they were retarded leftist cucks with shit taste...
The hero kicked the ass of the bad guy. My shit OC kicked the ass of a red and black edgy OC who existed to be hated.
I don't remember if he was a full-on Alicorn or just a unicorn.
I made the edgy red and black prick everything the fandom ever claimed to hate, and wrote my OC kicking him in the balls and slapping him silly to make the target audience of consoomers cheer my OC on.
By being faster and entirely without fear my OC beat the stronger red and black opponent who turned into a monster in the end and got defeated.

Looking back at my copy of this story, I can tell it's absolute dogshit.

What I can't figure out is why they loved this story of mine so much more than all the others.
Fans of Displaced hated my Displaced parody. Haters of OCs hated my OC fic and told me to make it about a canon character instead. But those same people came buckets for a zero-effort piece of fan-pandering shit in which my crap OC just wakes up one morning as big a cunt as always and decides to find and kick the ass of someone who's an even bigger cunt than him.

Why? Why was this piece of shit my magnum opus in their eyes?
Anonymous
fa03a49
?
No.319663
Rate my rap

xXx

When I'm clopping on the street hoes know I'm like a horse

Clippity cloppity, women are property

Knot like a dog and nut like a horse

Clippity cloppity, women are property

You say i is always on that shit
Whatever the fuck that means
You want to talk about some shit
This is sparta balls memes

I'm more fly than sixty nine birds
I got game faster than sixty nine hz
Let's do sixty nine until your face hurts
I will nut on your face in equine spurts

You are nothing bitch. You aint it.
You're shitting on your front lawn
You play with your shit, clubs play my shit
From dusk to fucking dawn

The thought of eating ass makes me want to vomit
You fucked up bitches would probably be into it
I hate vore, that's some shit I can't handle
Why do freaks love the whip and leather and candle

I shat in your bed. I shat on your bitch as well
After I fucked her because I'm not a degenerate fucking hell
I don't like any weird shit except breast expansion
When the tiddy get bigger, neuron activation.

I keep fuckin your bitch while she screaming and cum
During sex she thanks god and I say you're welcome
I ran a train on your tied up bitch, call me dick dastardly
Or was that someone else? Either way free colonoscopy.

I fucked every hot bitch across the nation
filled their ass with enough seed for colonic irrigation
I smoked weed once and didn't get addicted
it dominated your life like a cock cage is restrictive

You say you're tough but you ain't enough
I'm a big guy (for your mom) stretched her till I fit like a glove
You gloat like a bag of lies, dick's like a bee
Your whore pegs you and has a minus six inch pussy

Karen ain't getting my kids, I ain't about that divorce life
She dies alone and I'm all about that hardcore fucking whores life
Hit or miss, house full of cat piss, huh?
Feminist, when you're gone no-one will miss ya!

My neighbour is gay. His boyfriend is gay.
Unrelated commie whores said some BS today
Hoes rent all their holes to the highest bidder
They are bribed with our taxes to quote a bullshitter
She said you aint nothin if you aint nuttin
said you're not human if you lack her lovin
But jokes on her she's incapable of love
Fat cow stacking dicks and fat stacks won't be enough
They need a hazmat suit to get near your trough
You import rapists dumber than you to ballot-stuff
You pay them to breed because you want one to rape you
The harder you make life for the poor, the more they hate you
You imported rapefugees who raped your mom and I like cars
I own a ferrari and you're filled with more jizz than RD jars
Your granddad died in WW2 now he spins in his grave
His grandson died for bankers in the desert as their slave
I'm a rapper with a big dick
You're a rapist who fucks kids, bitch
Knot like a fox. Nut like a horse.
Letting women vote was a mistake of course.
You pissin in da wind when you lie about what we know.
Feminism was a fucking mistake. Bazimbo.

Shit's about to go down, I'm about to throw down
Shit like this makes me want to shit fury till bitches drown
Bitches can't get enough, I'm about to blow up
But if I did it would turn the commie whores jizz in cups
They nut when they see towers fall. They are the enemy.
How many kids have they raped? Too fucking many.
When a mudslime does his stone-age thing you'll see a commie there
Crying islamphobia as kids pick flesh out of their hair
Rapists band together and both are gang rapists
I'm not gay but I'd protect gays from muslims, I'm not racist
As long as gays stay away from my motherfucking feet
Muslims cant toss my gay friends from the rooftops to the street
Lets get some snipers on rooftops, roof koreans represent
Shoot the outlaws texas style, singing oppa gangnam style
Commies rape countries and let the muslims in
They make up words and that's fucking annoyin'
Muslims fuck little boys, commie china is [redacted]
Wait at some point I was rapping about sex, I got distracted
My dick is fucking massive
It's fucking substantive
I stuck it into your mom's ass bitch
Bitch

Lyrical spirichal miracle,
yes I said spirichal,
it rhymes with spinach-al,
if that's not a word I don't care at all
Bitch sharted in your dinner hall
All over the fucking wall
After I filled her ass with semen, she said aderall
Is something she used to take but these days she takes none at all
I said I just came here for sex stop giving me
Your backstory
Seriously
Are you fucking with me
I don't mean to be crass
But I'm just here for ass
Just some penetration
Not some information
About your old prescription
Or your cat and how you fixed him
I'm just here to fuck your ass bitch
Anal sex all night bitch
Some say rapping is lame
Cause it's a solved game
No need for a rhyme dictionary
When you can rhyme bitch with bitch every
Fucking time
It's like a crime
When i use an overdone rhyme
But a derivative pile of crap
Is what defines a fucking rap
At least I didn't say I want kids or baked potato
or imagine pregnant dragon fetishists or I did drugs or peko

I showed your mom some guy doing his best
Impersonating Kanye West
Saying random words like fortnite sussy balls but not breast
She bought it and thought the real Kanye rapped it
Until he said he kidnapped autistic kids then she snapped out of it
But all that balls balls EDP sussy baka shit
She really thought the real kanye west would say it
That says a lot about our society
And what bitches really think about their favourite blacks. E.
Anonymous
e88d706
?
No.321871
321872
Is it good to bump this thread or does a general like this, do more bad than good?
Anonymous
04f2d35
?
No.321872
>>321871
It doesn't really matter, so long as you have fresh content.
WasteofTime
ad6f071
?
No.322484
322517
Ahh shit! Here we go again.
Have been fascinated by The Hobbit and Tolkien in general recently. Skipped through the audiobook and found it pleasant.

So here's some plagiarism:
>Be Anonymous.
>Be dressed in a sicc black robe with a swell hoodie.
>You walk along a slithering cobblestone road.
>The road is thin and is in backalleys.
>You ascend a few stairs and peer back at the blue ocean in the bay.
>You're met by a breeze that makes your long, black beard billow and cools you.
>It's welcomed on a hot day like this one.
>Soon you arrive near at the fence to house's garden.
>On the porch, sits a white mare with a blonde mane.
>The pony sucks on the mouthpiece.
>A plastic tube goes from the mouthpiece to a cylindrical tank that sits adjecent to her.
>On the tank is a sticker with the word, "Zyklon-B."
>You stop at the gate and look straight at the pony's face.
>Your eyes meet and she looks away, then she quickly peeks back at you as if expectin you to have looked away so that she could look at you.
>She looks away again.
>Her gaze moves everywhere except on you for a while before she looks back at you again.
>Seeing that you still look at her, she speaks up," Sieg heil," she greets you.
>She goes back to ignoring you.
"What do you mean?" You ask.
>She looks up at you.
"Are you velcoming me or are you velcoming glory?"
>"Uhh, both I guess."
>You continue to look at her.
>"Can I help you?" she asks.
>You shut your eyes briefly and smile.
"That depends, I'm looking for somepony to help me with some colonization."
>"Heh, can't imagine anypony in all of Jagged Bay who'd be intrested in something like that. Icky, dangerous things. Makes you late for veggie bratwurst." With her hoof she removed the mouthpiece when she spoke and then inhaled from it again.
Anonymous
2dbd803
?
No.322517
>>322484
>She went back to ignoring you for a while before she spoke up again.
"Heil," she says and execute a smooth roman salute with her right hoof.
"What many things you use, 'Seig Heil,' for? Now you're not velcoming me at all, instead implyng that I should leave. That I would live to be heiled by Epona and Adolf Hitler's filly as if I was a griffin merchant selling kosher bagels," you say.
>She blinks a few times at you and then asks.
"Entschuldige but do I know you?" she asks.
>You twirl a bang of beard around your finger.
"Well, you know my name but you don't remember I belong to it. I'm Anonymous and means..." You make rolling gestures with your hand in the air. "Unkowned."
>Aryanne sat up from her comfy position.
>"*Not Anonymous the wandering wizardWhy do you think he's a wizard;^P who made those excellent shitpost back in the day. Not Anon, who tricked Fireaxe to cut down a tree on his own house. Not Anon, that performed mememagic all over Jagged Bay. I used to be really into shitp- I mean, it was very uncomfortable and offensive stuff."
>She takes a puff of Zyklon.
"Didn't know the ride was still going?" she says.
"What else would it do?"
>She coughs and looks away.
Anonymous
74b03a3
?
No.324363
324383 324386
I'm trying to write a green for a thread on /mlp/ but i would really like some opinion and general help with stuff. Would you guys be willing?
Anonymous
2e0bb55
?
No.324383
324436 324634
>>324363
Yes, I could read it.
Anonymous
abf2f63
?
No.324386
324436 324634
>>324363
Bring it on.
Anonymous
74b03a3
?
No.324436
324462 324583
>>324383
>>324386
Oh i dont really have much writen yet. Though i do have an idea of what i want to do with it. I could still share some of the premise and ideas to see what you guys think of it. By the way can you guys see private post on the ponepaste if i give you guys the link?

I will warn its for the pregnancy thread on /mlp/ but it will be mix with an idea i wanted to see explored in the /mom/ thread for a while. Though I think my idea could be seen as fetish shit my intention is not to make some degenerate fap story. I do genuinly want to try and make something cute and wholesome.
Anonymous
2e0bb55
?
No.324462
324480
>>324436
I made an audiobook of these:
>>317768
>>317769
>>317811
But I can't get my external mic (the one in my headset) to work for some reason and the internal mic has buzzing background sound is literal pain. So I'm not even gonna bother posting it.
Anonymous
74b03a3
?
No.324480
>>324462
Oh that reminds me, I have a corrected and better writen version of said story here.
https://ponepaste.org/5735
Forgot to post it.
Anonymous
184c306
?
No.324497
324498
What do you do when you write a short story and it spirals out of control?
Anonymous
74b03a3
?
No.324498
324499
>>324497
What do you mean by that?
Anonymous
184c306
?
No.324499
324532 324549 324583
image.png
>>324498
I kind of did it again
Anonymous
3f74a09
?
No.324532
1636157088984.jpg
>>324499
Impressive.
Anonymous
167b501
?
No.324549
324556 324581
>>324499
what percentage of that is the word nigger?
Anonymous
e37c438
?
No.324556
>>324549
This, and what percentage of it would be improved by replacing the words with nigger?
Anonymous
184c306
?
No.324581
324582
>>324549
It's a story where ponies talk to each other and niggers don't exist so nobody uses the word
Anonymous
c437eac
?
No.324582
324596
>>324581
They DO, however, use the word 'zigger,' right?
Anonymous
74b03a3
?
No.324583
324634
623919__safe_artist-colon-arareroll_princess+cadance_princess+celestia_princess+luna_alicorn_pony_blushing_cute_female_floppy+ears_glowing+horn_levitation_magi.png
>>324436
Heres my prompt/idea or whatever you want to call it.
So I want to make a rebirth story. I have this idea that Anon already existed in Equestria for a little bit before the event of the story. Now at some point Anon is inflicted by a curse. (May be used by some villain to harm the princess, but Anon manages to intercept it. Also when thinking about what the curse is I get the idea of mummy rot for some reason.) The princesses try to save him using some healing spell, but unknowingly causes some magical mishap that causes the curse to change into a life/reincarnation spell. Anon seemingly dies and his soul/ essence is transferred to the nearest host, since his body is destroyed, aka the princesses. And I would like to explore the princesses finding out they are pregnant, what being a mother would do to them. Finding out how they even got pregnant in the first place, who they are pregnant with etc. A bunch of fun stuff.

>>324499
There better be at least the word, nigger, 10 times in your fic for quality content.

Might be a little bit too ambitious for me, but God damn it I will try. It's also why I'm asking for help since I'm new to writing stuff.
Anonymous
184c306
?
No.324596
324677
>>324582
I think you would have liked a failed Fallout Equestria rewrite idea I had a while back.
Liberalism allows Griffons to infiltrate and subvert Equestria and flood it with Zigger "refugees". Some are fleeing from a civil war in Zebrica with Griffon-funded commies vs monarchists and some are just fleeing to ponyland to rape.
Eventually Ziggers nuke Equestria and ponies survive by hiding in big underground shelters called Vaults.
The hero is a Unicorn man who hates Ziggers and ends his vault's degenerate culture by making nazism rise again and conquer it, followed by the world outside so he can make Equestria great again.
The story literally started with a "Fuck ziggers" paper he wrote when he was 8, and then started for real with his voice on the radio reaching countless ears all over the vault and ranting about ziggers and the necessity of killing libtards.
There was going to be a videogame-like sequence of regional tribal warlords that conquered areas of the world outside. The hero had to kill them in whichever order he chose, culminating in an evil Twilight clone made by Griffons as part of a failed plan to kill and replace the real one.
Real-world science and survival skills plus magical bullshit and "Science!" would be used to de-irradiate the world, making farms and forts where bandit tribe settlements and regional warlords once stood.
And there would be a filler arc where he encounters a Vault that plugged itself into a VR machine, and he can only get these ponies transformed into pokemon out of the dream and into his army if he could enter the pokemon VR MMO world and defeat it.
He'd fight his way into a bigass city full of monsters eventually and start purifying the oceans with a big machine, granting his people fresh drinking and crop-growing water, and news of this glorious victory causes a schism in the ranks of the Pegasus Enclave as half continues being retarded like the original Fallout Equestria's pegasus enclave and the other half says "Let's make Equestria great again and join the hero's army because he's invincible and kind and strong and awesome and he has a better plan for the future than us".
In this bigass city while purging it of monsters, the bootleg Pillar Men would
>AWAKEN MY MASTERS
and start fucking shit up but the main hero defeats them by becoming a sick cyborg and going even further beyond the impossible.
Eventually The Institute from Fallout 4 is there only rewritten. They're a group of amoral scientist Twilight clones made without the real Twilight's knowledge or consent but their Griffon funders secretly took over the organization and prevented it from secretly winning Equestria the war. Now they've got it doing evil shit for no reason. But a good Twilight clone named Midnight, who the main sexy hero unicorn nazi guy fucks while screaming so hard it makes her joke that he's turned tinnitus into a sexually transmitted disease, teleports him into the Institute so he can help them civil war and kill the Griffons.
Some griffons sacrifice other Griffons to escape and they slander the heroes so hard it unleashes a massive wave of villainy and retardity upon them but they gun down all the retards who work for griffons and eventually kill the griffons too.
And then there are no more problems for Equestria, because the sexy hero guy solved them all with intelligence and violence and sometimes also the magic of friendship. Did I mention his army's made of good individuals working together? It makes his army better than the conformist faggots in other armies because of the deep themes.
It was written to be as absurdly long as possible with more than fifty named characters in the main hero's army of nazi poners but I got bored of writing it when I realized it was kind of shit. I fixed FE's bad worldbuilding and nonfunctional themes by replacing damn near everything with original content or content ripped off from a better Fallout game than 3 in a smarter and more original way. If I wrote it, it wouldn't really be FE, it would partly be a rebuttal to it and partly a rejection of it but mostly something FE's target audience of nigger brainlets would never understand or appreciate.
Anonymous
74b03a3
?
No.324634
324939
Damnmagic.jpg
>>324583
>>324383
>>324386
Well, fuck it, might as well post what little I have now. Its barely anything but if you guys have any tips, ideas, advice or just grammar correction don't hesitate to post it.
https://ponepaste.org/6054
Ps. tell me if you are unable to access the link.

Now I know the beginning is not like the typical green start, but I have a reason for that. I'm not trying to be a smart ass, putting deep/edgy words in to sound big brained. The reason why its like that is because I wanted to simulate the point of death and both his soul being transferred and him being reformed. (From cell to zygote) I would put him at 4 weeks, since I've heard that the nerves, brain, and spine starts to form at that time. So its like his sense of self returning to him. I want some simple memories and concepts to come back a little bit, but not his full memory. Now why he even as a conscious as a fetus? I have an idea to explain that later.

Anyway, sorry for my autistic rambling and long post I just felt I needed to explain my plan for this story. Truth is I feel like the beginning part of what I've written needs a bit more ""meat"" but I don't know what I could add. I feel like once this is done the rest could fall into place much more easily.
Anonymous
7007bb6
?
No.324677
324679 324680
Dont forget her donut ;^P I got you fam.png
>>324596
>The hero is a Unicorn man
Fuck it. This whole post is awesome.
You truly are a legend. And you know what, When other people write self-insert fantasies, they try to disguise it in some way because they feel embarrassed about it but you just go full throttle. Here's me as a pony and here's how he fucks my waifu Twilight and btw, I'm the greatest at everything.
At least you aren't disgenious about what you want because your too much of a pussy to stand up for it. I didn't include my own self-insert fantasies because they just turn into porn.
Anonymous
abf2f63
?
No.324679
324680
>>324677
That chubby mare is what I need.
Anonymous
184c306
?
No.324680
324683
>>324679
There's a thin line between just chubby enough for the flesh to bulge just right around socks/panties and too disgustingly fat to have any business letting anyone see you in socks/panties and I love when artists get it perfectly right.
>>324677
Thanks!

I figured if I was going to write something as self-indulgent as "Fallout Equestria except rewritten to be my definition of good" I might as well enjoy myself. I stopped writing when I realized I wasn't enjoying myself writing about the degeneracy the hero saw inside his vault or outside it.

It pisses me off that the actual Fallout Equestria is so dishonest about being a sueish self-insert fantasy.

Liberalism fails Equestria and the mane six's occasional random bursts of a liberal's idea of totalitarianism also fail equestria just so it can die in nuclear flames thanks to zigger rapefugees smuggling in nukes and detonating them over their religious hatred of the night sky and Princess Luna.
And then this never matters again except as an excuse for the world to be the way it is, all so that Littlepip can kill a "fascist" industrialist for the same libtard ideals that flushed Equestria down the shitter.

Some characters just aren't allowed to succeed no matter how good their intentions are, and some characters are just allowed to succeed because they have good intentions. Littlepip carves a bloody trail through the wastes but it's okay because the only ones who ever had a problem with this are cartoonishly evil maudlin cackling villains and one cannibal's foal who exists to flee from LP and get shot by an Enclave cunt so LP can feel bad and "Oh-so-heroically" blame herself for something she "arguably" didn't cause. She carries her ashes around in a fucking coca cola bottle, like the author thinks this is deep tragic writing. She's sad for partially causing the death of some foal the enclave mostly killed but she's fine with slaughtering everypony that foal ever knew and loved just because "Hurr durr these cannibals are Bad Ponies(TM) and tricked me into doing a Sidequest for them and thinking they were Good Ponies(TM)! I have to clean up my videogame Karma(TM) score right now and undo this Meanie option (helping baddies) by doing a Goodie Two-Shoes deed like mass murder!"

And what was the "good deed" she did for these cannibals? She tried to force some Brotherhood Of Steel dipshits into a bad trade for something they didn't want, fully expecting this to end in bloodshed she thought she could effortlessly win. She practically tried to rob these cunts while giving them something they didn't want to ease her conscience.
This moment of "Oh whoops I did a good deed for baddies" doesn't convince her to do more research before she accepts a sidequest from now on, it's literally just here for this contrived moment with the foal.

Literal niggers doing cartoonishly evil shit in the Congo inspired the author to make the Mad Max-style bandits of F1/2 and the generically evil cackling evil disposable suicidally-brave idiots of F3 into peak niggerdom.

Some ponies "lose their virtue" and start shitting in their own beds and making "guro art" with real corpses just because they've lowered their videogame Karma score too much by doing too many bad deeds, and some characters are allowed to engage in mass murder because they're declared heroes with sufficiently high Karma scores by the author and his trannyish self-insert chick. The remains of Rarity's cat survive and remain recognizable to the audience for 200 years so LP can see the hideous state it was left in. But Gawd the Griffon and her mercenary Griffon army, when they commit genocide for the sake of "Building civilization" suddenly it's a good thing.

Making your fursona a chick is fucking homosexual. If it's supposed to represent an idealized you, make it a buff guy like I did. I've literally received hate mail from furfags for not giving my little animal guy "Realistic" stick limbs. Is that retarded or what?

There is nothing of literary value in Fallout Equestria unless you're studying this orgy of mistakes and confused stolen ideas so you can know what to avoid when writing crossovers.

This isn't a story, it's a sequence of events. Nothing naturally causes another thing, shit just happens in the way the author wants it to happen in the most blatantly artificial ways possible.

It isn't truly a crossover of Fallout and MLP.

It's a MLP story where ponyland stupids itself to death just so that Littlepip can kill and kill and kill until eventually she tricks Spike into teleporting her into a machine she shouldn't be able to use just because the author figured using the Elements Of Harmony to de-irradiate the wasteland with the help of a set of friends wasn't as sueishly spectacular as single-handedly "entombing" yourself in a weather machine you can leave at any time and single-handedly bringing back sunlight and vegetation to equestria while background characters use the Elements Of Harmony offscreen. It apes Fallout iconography and names, especially from F3, but it lacks any intellectual understanding of the game's themes or ideas.
Cold war propaganda that downplayed the horrors of nuclear bullshit? A rejection of this cold war propaganda, and parody of it in the form of the perpetually smiling SATIRICAL mascot (before BugthEAsderp came along) Vault Boy? A constant reminder that corporations and governments are corrupt, something faggots in the 60s didn't know and wouldn't admit until Qanon came along to give them a suitably happy lie to help them wash the bitter truth down? Mad Max and Retrofuturist 60s and classic game Wasteland design inspirations? These go over Kkat's head like gay semen in gay orgies he proceeds to lick from the floor homosexually. He's too busy writing about his horny lesbian self-insert lusting over horse ass, gunning down NPCs in a 60s-themed post-apocalyptic shooting gallery, angsting incorrectly, masturbating her own ego with fake self-deprecation, and being the biggest Sue ever.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.324683
324685 324696
>>324680
>boggest sue ever
Debatable, ever read yhe story of Silver Star Apple?
Anonymous
7007bb6
?
No.324685
324696
ef195bfc4405dd2cfd48e60bbbf47288.jpg
>>324683
Ever heard of the tragedy Critic Glimglam the wise? I thought not, it's not a story the faggots would tell you? He was a critic so powerful in shitposting that he could influence football to create quality content from shit.
Though to be honest, I never really gave Silver Star Apple a complete chance. I just based my own judgement on it by Glimglam's posts back then. So I suck.
Anonymous
184c306
?
No.324696
324698
>>324685
It's fine, my old story really was dogshit. He was a cunt in scenes where he wasn't supposed to be one, boring talking scenes took too much time away from the cool fights, and the character as a whole was broken from being split between my original "Farm guy becomes epic but loses his way, meets poners, the relationship helps him find his way again, he reconciles with his family" premise, bad advice Fimfic gave me, and whatever I thought sounded sick at the time. "Yeah, he's a ninja now because I thought that sounded cool. And a pro hoverboarder and the inventor of hoverboards too! Allow me to tell you how each part of them works in excruciating detail! Did you know you can swap out the Cores to modify the stats of each board? He invented a species and country!".
It was a mess. I really had no idea what I was doing, besides my best. I was just a dumb kid trying his best. Except during that scene where he gives Pinkie his bendy straw, that scene was written to fuck with people, so were a few other scenes.
I got my best writing advice from this place, and I've almost finished my rewritten take on this character and story concept.
>>324683
Plenty of canon characters have larger cases of what many would call sue traits, but they're not called sues because they're good well-written characters, even ones that are blatantly designed for wish-fulfillment like most anime protags.
If you define a Sue by the dishonesty in how they are simultaneously presented as unprepared everymen/brown-haired mousy women, and spectacular gods with every stat that matters maxed out(She's a rookie trainer but she can command Legendaries. She's a rookie Jedi but she can defeat her villain easily without ever training. She's just some plain-jane nobody who swears her looks aren't anything special but she smells irresistible and conveniently has the best blood and looks just like somebody's mom and she's got a Vampire and Werewolf and rich abuse-fetishist lusting after so hard they've abandoned everything they care about and the latter's even gotten over his abuse fetish to be a better husband for her), Littlepip is peak sue. The story pretends she's just some random nerd but she's the most overpowered min-maxed thing possible in this setting without the Gifted and Solar Powered traits.
If you define a Sue by how she's favoured by the world(unreasonable luck, finds a Shiny Eevee in random grass or has one gifted to her, inherits everything good), Littlepip is peak sue. She inherits a PipBuck that does 40% of the work for her, effortlessly finds guns that do 10% of the work for her, she's got overpowered telekinesis that does 40% of the work for her, and radiation-taint that normally mutates monsters out of ponies and animals makes her "Half-Alicorn" and able to regenerate health while irradiated. Plus she's so absurdly favoured by destiny, Spike's fire teleports her exactly where she needed to go despite burning every other pony he immolated alive and not filling the destination with destroyed ship parts.
Characters that really should hate her don't. This applies to Littlepip (Red Eye loves her and wants to fuse with her, Goddess Trixie is willing to meet her in person and let her into her base instead of sending a servant in her hive mind to wherever LP is and communicating through said hive-mind servant, Gawd is the stereotypical "honourable mercenary" and yet she's missing a character arc and her introduction makes no sense because she and her army of griffons exist solely for convenience's sake) but the mane six are decent friendly ponies, they could befriend pretty much anypony who's not completely awful.
My character was honest about how absurdly overpowered he was and if you'd let him, he'd tell you at length how awesome he considers himself until you're as sick of him as I am now.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.324698
>>324696
Fair point. That will be my last quip about your previous story.
Anonymous
74b03a3
?
No.324939
324944 325404 327219
preggymoon.png
>>324634
Alright, phew, this was a LOT of writing. Or at least it felt like it.
I've made part 2 of the fic like always tell me if anything grammar related is up, any advice or opinion on it.
I've also written some parts for later.
They are not complete and not up to quality in my opinion, but if you want to check it out and give some opinion on them go for it.
I will appreciate it.
https://ponepaste.org/6054
Anonymous
f99e35f
?
No.324944
>>324939
Right, I did read the first part. I'll get back to this.
Anonymous
7007bb6
?
No.325404
325407 325745
1635613539688.png
>>324939
So long as you promise to not forget that my opinion doesn't matter, I'll tell you what I think.
>Speeling
There were some spelling errors. Just read through it slowly and you'll find them all. You know how to spell these words you just happened to forget letters here and there.
But the almost all of the text has good spelling and grammar.
>Exposition
>"I also feel regret for that moment and I also regret not being able to help find him earlier.
>He was not sure, but it was assumed he was here for a few months before being found.
>"The experts and I estimated that he arrived in the Whitetail Woods instead of the Everfree as once though and that he somehow doubled back to the Evergreen somehow.
>"The few guards that were sent to seach, confirm this by finding a few of his older camps threw out Whitetail and more recent ones in the everfree woods.
>"Being in the Everfree for so long it must have been terrifying and the fact I did not notice any magical disturbance or anything of the likes to find him earlier eats at my guilt.
>"Even if I know realistically nothing could have been done to change it.
>"But you must not let the guilt eat at you forever dear sister, it will only drag you down if kept forever."
This is all said by Celestia in one go.
>""
These aren't useless. While I can read your stor without them, it is easier with them. But again dowhat you wish.
>Corny
Take it for the subjective thing it is but I find Luna and Celestia to be more corny than I expected of the characters. These judgement tend to change with me so, I might change my mind in the future on this.
>You use the verb, "throw" as the verb, "through" with different tenses.
>the meetup is just throwing this door.
Is one example of these but there are more. Don't be embarressed if this is mistake. Stuff happens but yeah, that's something you should change. My tip would be to use the replace function for the different tenses of "throw" or just read through your text again.

<Things are functional
It's easier to see which is better between a functional roof and a leaking one but it's harder to see which is better between a pair of functional roofs.
You're progressing in clear direction with your plot. While the exposition is a bit clumsy, you did established who Anon was before the events in this story, I expect their previous relationship will play into this story.
<Things are moving forward in a clearly planned direction that's the most important part of any story. You will improve the other things with time.
Anonymous
7007bb6
?
No.325407
325500
>>325404
Ask any question if you have any. There are no dumb questions.
Anonymous
74b03a3
?
No.325500
>>325407
Thank you for the response. I kind of feel bad since I'm too tired from work to do anything right now. But I can't explain how grateful I am that someone took the time look at my pic and give some Opinion. Too many Anon's seem afraid that they will drive off a writefag if they criticize a green too harshly.
Anonymous
74b03a3
?
No.325745
325750 326464
2983133__artist+needed_suggestive_cheerilee_oc_oc-colon-anon_earth+pony_human_pony_ass_butt.png
>>325404
Sorry, still kind of tired but wanted to respond in a way. Tell me if I misinterpreted something alright.
Do you have any tip that could help with exposition? This is not the first time i've heard this and i'm wondering if i'm just missing something.

The "" thing is to help differentiate the characters speaking right?
I had a feeling that could be a problem but i was not sure how to adress it. I think some people use > for the narator and Anon/the you character, black and "" for others. Am i correct?

I Could see why they would look more corny than ""usual"". Obviously I will go back and change/correct things, but the mindset I had when writing this was that the sisters are more laid back when they are with someone they know. But still if you have any tips or suggestion, don't hesitate to post them. I do want to try and write these characters right.

I could use the excuse that English is not my first language, but honestly it's my second. Its most likely an error. That's why I rely a lot on corrector programs. By the way do you know any really good one?
Again thank you for the help.
Anonymous
ab84595
?
No.325750
candance_lip_dick_by_vaileaa-d5bmv7m.png
>>325745
>That Pic
Anonymous
b8d19d1
?
No.326464
779948.png
>>325745
>English
As a non-native speaker myself and who has also struggled with grammar and such, I can recommand grammarly if you want something free that can correct your writing. However, my top advice and what I do these days, is to proof-read. Most, if not all, mistakes in a text you have written will be discovered while reading through it slowly.

>Corny
I'll have to re-read it to provide examples of what I meant, and I don't feel like doing that right now. The best advice I have for this is to imagine yourself as each character in the scenes and play them out. So like what would I say, if I was honest with myself, in this situation?
But I'd think this is not something you should worry about. In fact, I'd say you should try not to appease me on this point since I'm not precise enough with my criticism. I believe that the seeds of scenes are cringe but if you tend to them, they'll bloom and become based.

>""
So in >greentexting each new sentece is a new > with the exception for quotation-marks of the (you) in the story as you seem to be aware of. That's the format.
"" This is just here to help you seperate what is said from what is narrated but my problem is that your story doesn't have said-tags when the speaker needs to be identified. I, as a reader, have to guess who's speaking at times.
>Example of how to do it:
>Be Princess Celestia.
>You navigate though the prim and proper halls of Canterlot Castle to your sister's bedchamber.
>When you reach it, you knock before you hear your sister welcome you inside.
>"Tia... Look," the cark blue alicorn, that is your sister says as she gestures to green human infant resting at her side while sucking on them teats. "Have you ever seen something so precious?"
>You take some careful steps closer to see baby-Anon better.
>Your gaze explore his small frame, his tiny hands and fingers, and his big, while currently shut, eyes.
>You feel your heart swell with warmth and youneed only to share a look with your sister to see that she feels the same thing.
>You see that although, the little one appears to be sleeping his mouth makes motions from time to time.
"He still a drinker, ha?" you ask while your soft eyes remain on Anon.
>Luna smiles and shuts her eyes in mirth.
>"Ah, thouth knowth howth its it's to quith cold turkey."

>Exposition
Well, my first advice would just be to not worry about telling the reader everything. Much of what was told to us could been infered by the reader. We all have heard the classical avenger's backstory: "My innocent and idyllic family life was destroyed by the evil faction and therefore I seek vengence." But in anime they always have a flashback to explain this. Even if not everyone on earth already knew of this storyline, it still isn't necessary to show us this when all the avenger needs to say to explain his motive is, "I had a family and they killed them!"
Yeah, unecessary long example and also a bit unaunced. Afterall, if were were to summaries a story then we'd also have all there really needed to be said. There might be an answer but so far it's more of a balancing act and know when to put emphasize and when to increase the speed of the pacing.

>Exposition advice 2
Try to make the dialogue organical. As in, weave exposition (the things you want your readers to know) with character dialogue (something the character would say).
Example:
>Luna is bathing Anon in a tub.
>Celestia walks in on them.
"Heh, first time we meet him he'd live in a wood for over three months and still refused to take a bath but now it seems to be the ony thing he wants to do."
<Tell us something about Anon's past + A reasonable motive to prompt Celetia to mention it in her way.
Anonymous
74b03a3
?
No.327219
>>324939
By the way, I'm still working on this slowly. The only thing is with Christmas coming and all that, I've been a bit more busy.
But I am trying to correct and change a few things, it's just outside the net using paper so you guys won't see anything change on the site for a little bit.
But dont worry its still being worked on.
Anonymous
27d57e2
?
No.327228
327235 327239 327253
I saw this site in the thread and decided to use it
https://ponepaste.org/6127

password: TwilightsAsshole

What do you think of my writing so far?
Anonymous
94e0d6e
?
No.327235
>>327228
Once my mind is somewhat functioning I'll do a real review.
Keep in mind I'm currently at low thought processessing mode at this moment.
So don't take it to heary yet, and anyone else read the thing first before reaching this half assed skim.
So brief skim overview: I don't know what I read because I don't know why I read it.
Just what the fuck, not in a cool mind fuck way, just a nawing dispair.
I thought Fallout Equestria was over, done, dead. The automatic tunning out to save my sanity kicked in.
It's as if you took a mary sue, made it a ..... OC and used it to kick the reader reeling form the first sucker punch.
Dream sequence, dismantling expectations of the work, miss placed expectations. The rape and preditor vs prey thing was wtf too. Why? Just why?

Anonymous
94e0d6e
?
No.327239
327280
17315__safe_twilight+sparkle_rainbow+dash_female_pony_mare_pegasus_comic_team+fortress+2_golden+oaks+library_friendship+is+magic_spy_scene+parody_pap.png
>>327228
You put a lot of heart into it maybe. That's not how you do subtle.
I know the world is pressuring to condense the hook experience to snag people in, it's good that you are not... of sorts but there's nothing to care about.
Because
It's Fallout Equestria, that story has nothing intrinsic about it.
First maybe this is intentional maybe not
>People like that cat
Should be Cow, which it is about a catty cow later

It's copy pastas.
The daily life of bongistan in furry zootopia fallout equestria as customer service
Actual review. So sentence structure, eh it's fine. Could be better just don't have the underlying communicative stuffs to explain the judgement. Then you have walls of fuck off text. Which happen to be largely useless as well.
Ideally the words to meaning ratio is more Meaning than Words. I digress.
The story is about nothing. About Nothing the nothing character and thinnly veiled beliefs in RL while true to an extent.
Fail to properly convey the the details by proxy of the circumstances that arise to fit the world.
Which leads to missunderstanding about the nature of reality. On its own inside the story it's fine just doesn't seem relevant.

There's no action. None. There is no wind up, no rising, no climax, no cooling down, nothing. It's imitating the kkat Fallout Equestria That Is Bad.

The elements of Equestria are ultimatly neglegable. Is only what FE has and real world juxtaposition. That doesn't quite fit the setting.

As an introduction to the world its the fucking same as Fallgaykat Equestria. It sucks. It mirrors that one for one. Why?
There is no hook that leads us to hope or look forward to a story about to unfold.

The writing has no point it is a rant to the reader.
I want to throttle (that means wrap my hands around the necks of every single character and murderize the dumb fuckery out of) them all. Yes all of them. ALL OF THEM!

Putting a virus on a dumb fuck, haha funny. Criminal charges.

Introducing wolfsmcgee to asshole supreme, bad idea. Just take the thing to the back to be fixed for a nominal fee. Why the hell change the mind of the dumb fuck? Seriously what the fuck is there to gain. For you (character sue) or them?
I KNOW THE REAL WORLD PARALLELS, BUT THE PARALLELS DON'T FUCKING FIT.

The game bullshit was bullshit all of it.

The references were... there.

As a work to be just deeply ironic to mock Fallout Equestria and everything else, it doesn't work because it's not engaging.
At least for me.

As a work about reality without being fucked over it's... not on point. Maybe it's not enough to ensure getting demolished is the reason, but it could have been more.

The whole character cast are idiots that could be intentional, but it's frustrating.

Rabbits abusing a disabled veteran wolf. The choices made.
Scaring the rabbits off.

Going to have to explain the whole parallels because what the hell.

So uhh just make it 20% cooler.
But seriously study art, study why things are appealing to people. Stories, art, jokes, color combinations, everything. They all have a common element.

It's all a story with preparation, action, climax, and fall. Seriously.
All of it. Some parts of that are so short it might not seem to even be there. Some are so long it's a suprise.
Most of all they are layered on each other, between each other, beyond each other, combined with each other and more. Big and small. Some interrupt, many more harmonize.
Anonymous
472fbd2
?
No.327253
327280
1621622825.png
>>327228
At first, It seemed like story set in the F:E universe were the characters would pause the plot to rant about why F:E sucked but then it seems like the story rebooted. I get the feeling that the rest is your version of F:E.
The descriptions are good, I guess it's by my standards though so take if for what it's worth.
I didn't read that much more after that, was a bit too long for me to read right now.
Anonymous
472fbd2
?
No.327255
327291
winter_rar_by_vodyanoyart-dalaeyf.png
Btw, give me a pompt mlpol.
Anonymous
27d57e2
?
No.327280
327281 327306
>>327239
>>327253
The opener stars a filly fleeing from stereotypical hyper evil Raiders(tm) who are immediately gunned down by a "badass" character
Target audience cheers
it's a dream
target audience gasps
target audience is shocked when badass character turns out to be fantasizing about this life in a chaotic hell because it's preferable to a society of lying sheep.
It's a subtle fuck you. It subtly says this nonsensical world is the stuff of violent fantasies and powerless people. It takes their self-aggrandizing "fallout equestria is the one setting its fans wouldnt want to be sent to" bullshit and says the real world is worse than a self-serving violent fantasy about invincible heroes with their IRL flaws removed.
Subtly, the lion's lion half is removed during the dream. Because he subtly sees his own race as a flaw after a lifetime of propaganda and hates this and tries not to.
The hero consistently does good but he isn't always rewarded greatly for it.
I might remove the virus scene. The audience should hate her and if she gets any punishment the audience might not hate her enough. Maybe if the USB was blank the misdirection would still work.
The radio plays songs about hating the hero's kind. And subtly, they are nigger rap.
his prey colleagues are dipshits literally not hired for their ability but their race and ideology and willingness to spy on Sparky.
The hero's boss is a sheep decked out in expensive fake punk iconography and she's got an inferior religion too. Crystals and expensive lies while ignoring the anti-magic consequences and other downsides of her own politician's policies... peak sjw without babbling their buzzwords.
The hero works for filthy sheep who consider themselves oppressed even though there's a homeless veteran outside being kicked by prey guys. Originally they were girls but a proofreader fren told me my hatred of women was getting too obvious.
women are irrational and stupid and the only good one are autistic or follow the hero's religion, The Light, which is elaborated on later. It is based on based christianity and a good traditional force for goodness the ponies forgot most of by the time they allowed ziggers to nuke equestria. They fetishized harmony because it did cool shit while forgetting christianity's principles and they wanted harmony with the ziggers more than they wanted to defend themselves and their foals from them.
wall posters say "no predators allowed" and "no gays allowed" to conflate the two in the target audience's mind. While I am personally bisexual I choose to be straight because I dont like gays. But the gay cliche is a useful one. The audience should hate the Nobles because Nobles are libtards.
Pretty clever huh? I'm fixing FE's faults by writing a better version that blames libtards niggers and jews for everything.
I know I have a tendency to vomit random media thoughts into stories in a way that takes the user out of the experience but this one is calculated.
The target audience of gamer retards should have opinions on this and argue in the comments. This would improve algorithm bullshit if I posted it. Probably?

Anyway that's what I was going for. I didn't grab the audience by screaming "IN SIX CHAPTERS EVERYTHING EXPLODES AND THE HERO GOES OUTSIDE THE VAULT".
Should I have done that?
Anonymous
55986a2
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No.327281
327293 327834
>>327280
>tries to parody FoE
>parodies himself instead
Anonymous
5ea111c
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No.327291
327450
3DC4A7920C1C299003EA8312F9E2F412-226398.png
>>327255
Anonymous
57ae1e5
?
No.327293
327306
>>327281
No, Jew.
This is more than a cheap parody of FOE.
if that's all I wanted to do, I would have remained in the boring invincible dream and kept it going for over 20k words.
instead
I decided to make an experiment.
Anonymous
94e0d6e
?
No.327306
327312
>>327293
Experiments are useful.
>>327280
Only problem is it's not enjoyable read.
>"IN SIX CHAPTERS EVERYTHING EXPLODES AND THE HERO GOES OUTSIDE THE VAULT".
>Should I have done that?
No.
>by writing a version that blames libtards niggers and jews for everything.
>outside of the boring invincible dream
Same stuff different direction of blame.
Since the target audience is the FE hyperfans there's not much for me to say.
Also the thing about parody is that it comes in all shapes and sizes.
Anonymous
27d57e2
?
No.327312
327318 327319
>>327306
I don't understand what "direction of blame" is supposed to mean.

On the surface, FOE is a worthless pulp fiction novel about a gun-toting bootleg Mad Max running around killing baddies in nonsense-land until he finds a golden throne machine that unfucks the world, and sitting on it is treated like a great noble sacrifice. It's not entertaining because the action is dull and lazy plus the worldbuilding is clunky and nonsensical plus the pacing is glacial and the author can't do setup or payoff competently to save his life.

Beneath the surface, FOE is a spectacularly leftist world where insufficiently pure liberalism (the ponies are dead-set on importing niggers and making towns for them to live in on pony land and policing them when they take drugs, no matter how many die due to ziggers abroad or domestically. but they're not pure libtards because they sometimes flirt with a libtard's idea of what fascism is: government overreach, authoritarian surveillance states, and ethnic wars) doomed Equestria, but only the hyper-libtard heroes can overcome all the bad things the canon ponies left Edgequestria and make Equestria great again by using sufficient violence against non-leftists while utilizing the only good things canon ponies left the heroes.

How likely your efforts are to succeed or fail depends entirely on how leftist you are, whether you babble about the means of production or not has no bearing on how pozzed you are when it comes to your thoughts on ethnic and cultural conflicts, women in main combat roles and leadership positions, a woman's ability to outshoot the male, and so on.

This story is an experiment. And so far I've got no idea where I'm going with this. I plan out my stories too much. And if there's one genre of shit fiction where writing without thought is the norm, it is Fequestshit.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.327318
327323 327834
>>327312
Who

cares?
Anonymous
4e53dc3
?
No.327319
327323
>>327312
as a long time fanfiction fag I get what you are getting at but not everyone is going to want to read a 900000 page subversion of a really terrible fic.
Anonymous
27d57e2
?
No.327323
327324 327430
>>327318
Fag
>>327319
I understand. Don't tell anyone but I plan on shortening the length severely.
FE was bloated. Kkat considered himself a genius because he could talk for hours and hours about ideas that were insultingly simple once you look past the misdirection and cringe gay buffy the faggot layer emo teen diary dialogue.
Kkat was writing for an audience of fags that believe length equals quality and "epicness"
But I have a life and shit to do and jiggling thigh animation frames to draw
so I'm being as efficient with my chapters as possible.
I could probably cut way more time if I didn't have to spell everything out for the FEfags and remind them of the obvious over and over.

I had this one idea for shortening the length of FE's stupidest story arc by having characters who want the hero involved spell the situation and stakes out at the start instead of stringing the audience along for over 20k words with the illusion of setup and payoff and mystery.
With the job offer explained up front, Sparky says "This is a retarded mission with a retarded goal full of retarded characters and I'll have no part in it, your mission is literally to fuck your own side over when there are better ways to do it, we've got time-sensitive shit to do and if you want this shit done right, just do the obvious solution Kkat never thought of without me".

and theres an even dumber plot...
For fucks sake I shouldnt rant but...
Red Eye decides one day the Alicorns need to go.
so when the mare destroying his slaver operations and genociding his troops conveniently gives up her guns armour and friends to become his slave and hope for a chance to kill him
he foils her murder plot and says "go kill my colleague Goddess Trixie or I nuke your girlfriends tower"
LP conveniently befriended and freed a zigger that is the only reason this plan is possible
the zigger was a devout Red Eye supporter until now for no fucking reason besides suddenly meeting LP and being saved. Now she is willing to die for LP.
LP takes drugs to boost her charisma stat so she can charm Red Eye into giving her the nuke Red Eye is currently threatening her with
then LP uses memory orbs to erase her own knowledge of a plan so simple it is literally "give the bomb and an invisibility device to the zigger whose mind conveniently cannot be read so she can sneak the bomb in and detonate it".
Also LP goes to the goddess trixie
i think she went to a hellhound place for healing supplies for Calamity?
lp goes to Canterlot for no real reason and apes Dead Money iconography minus the fun and deep themes. THERE WAS TENSION IN DEAD MONEY BECAUSE YOUR CUNT TEAMMATES MAY BETRAY YOU. BUT LPS FRIENDS ARE CARDBOARD CUTOUT WORSHIPPERS OF THE CULT OF SUE.
and there was some other bullshit
wasnt there a zebra town where the niggers kick out their old thinking it will keep slavers away? (a cringe reference to Fallout 3's nonsensical Little Lamplight. If you are going to try your hand at making a less retarded version of something make sure it is actually better. Tenpony Tower was this shit too)
For no fucking reason besides misdirecting the audience and filler LP dicks around with the literally-never-important Brotherhood Of Steel and theres some shit that could be cut involving poners being put in computers (celestias machine can explain it when she shows up) and LP robs some Fags Of Steel and kills them for fags she genocides when she finds out they are cannibals.
Anyway eventually the former Red Eye operative does LP's job for her and blows up the Goddess Trixie and many Alicorns and the Enclave guys there for whatever reason.
now full blown war erupts between the surface world and the enclave
and of course LP and pals win because they have cheats on their side
Then it turns out Red Eyes goal was always to fuse himself with the angriest most willful Pegasus and Unicorns around and hope a one third female alicorn will still be man enough to result in a more stable creature than Trixie-Twilight-Two OC Twins based on the guy and girl from Bioshock Skyracist possibly.
Honestly did that Pink Eye faggot ever consider threatening the Enclave with a nuke to get Littlepip and General Not Actually A Character to a bargaining table in a building he controlled so he could proceed to overwhelm them with his forces and force them into the vat of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles nickolodeon slime?
This is the entire finale of the story.
a sequence of bad decisions for no real reason.

When I started writing this post I thought
>It would be funny if a Griffon showed up and tried to get Sparky involved in a version of the RockBreaker Prison Arc with its idiocy spelled out only for Sparky to say "Fuck off"
But as I typed the idiocy of the story's final acts leapt out at me like a leaping command grab from fullscreen. Why neutral skip with an invincible drill when Kkat is drilled anally by gay men at SemenFest 2069 in London's faggiest nightclub? Their slogan is "every year is 2069 if you're too drugged up to notice it's not 2069 and think Fallout Equestria is a good story".
Anonymous
27d57e2
?
No.327324
327325
>>327323
Oh and there was an annoying bit where LP and her homosex fag lover enjoyed the spa and had fun while doing fuck all about the bomb they currently thought was in their tower
they do not search for their tower or act like it could blow up
Both faggots happily trust their own lives and the lives of everyone in the tower and the lives of everyone who relies on the radio tower's omniscient scrying device for daily news and the radio whore for moral guidance to a plan LP and Homage literally remember no part of.
LP just trusts that she thought of something and will eventually get around to doing it and it turns out the plan never required her in the first place or had any reason to involve her because Red Eye already had the bomb and the zigger but also never had a reason to want Trixie and a ton of her female alicorns dead besides "man if I become a male alicorn Trixie may want me dead or enslaved and may not give the fused mess of a mostly-male I become total control".
the radio host doesnt announce the bombs existence of course because that might encourage some to leave a tower that exclusively offers services to travellers and has cheese stores somehow yet has to pay scavengers to find 200 year old cans of beans and corn and veggies so the "fancy" fags in the restaurant can serve up small portions of these dishes with the illusion of fanciness.
everything in this story is gay cancer with double AIDS.
And i have no illusions that my turd story will change anything there.
I'm just fucking around and experimenting for fun.
Anonymous
27d57e2
?
No.327325
>>327324
*they do not search for the bomb in their tower
Anonymous
27d57e2
?
No.327430
>>327323
That bullshit where Littlepip serves Red Eye for a bit is a great example of Kkat's awful writing problems.

LP needs to be given a quest by Red Eye? Sure. Let's ignore what that quest is (because that's a different writing problem) and briefly address why the mission is given (because blowing up The Master is a Fallout 1 thing and Trixie is a The Master knockoff minus the good intentions) so we can talk about how the story gets to that point.

LP is offered a mission by the Brotherhood Of Steel: Give up everything, weapons and armour and allies but not her pipbuck, and sneak into RedEye land as a new slave. Serve him until you hopefully get the chance to somehow kill him. You will be offered no support or assistance. Not even a false identity and makeover. If LP wasn't a telekinetic OP god, killing him and breaking out of this place after killing him would be hard. And being unarmed around all those Red Eye-serving friends of Red Eye slavers she killed might be dangerous for her.

From a writer's standpoint there is no reason to get the BOS involved when their help never amounts to anything.

She could do this solo by leaving everything behind besides her pipbuck and taking Party Time Mint-Als to get enough magical bullshit charisma to talk a Red Eye slaver into taking her in harmlessly.
There are Fallout 3 missions Kkat wants to reference, and he has no interest in fleshing out Red Eye or his faction despite dedicating so much screentime to it.
He doesn't even set up who the zigger LP frees is as a character, because she is always just the party's token zigger. First she served her old master. Then she served her new one. No "Man it sure feels weird to serve a different master" talk and no "I always loved/hated my old master" talk and no character arc about learning to love ponies and abandon ziggerdom/figure out what's worth preserving about zigger culture and what isn't.
Kkat can't even make up his mind on whether she's one of the "good" zebras because she still thinks there's something valuable in the asinine lie that Luna=Nightmare Moon even though that lie motivated ziggers to kill Big Mac and have zigger rapefugees nuke Equestria.
Why does she feel entitled to have this belief respected? Because she respects LP's beliefs, of course.
No real thought is put into her own beliefs or LP's, it is simply taken for granted in this leftist fantasy that all non-Raiders will believe leftist propaganda instead of being "fascist" cyborgs, or mindless "heeheehee funny psychopath" edgelords who shit in their beds and make gore art while being literally inspired by nignogs in the Congo, or "bigoted" genocidal americans in power armour running a Scorched Earth campaign on the surface world for no real reason besides a vague belief that they are probably owed vengeance.

All of this could have been avoided if Red Eye just sent a message to LP that said "Meet me in this town on the border of my land and land near Tenpony Tower and we'll talk. Refuse and I blow up your waifu's tower"
And then he could say "Here's a nuke, here's a zigger servant willing to carry it, I have no reason to want your help, here's my gun, die."
But if the setup was competent, these would not be the facts relevant to the case, and Red Eye would have a reason to seek Goddess Trixie's death and LP's help while starting a war with the Enclave for no reason.
He might actually have a reason to war with the Enclave like "Pissing them off and making them blow up Wastelanders will be great for my PR as everyone serves me to fight them!"
And he might actually be a coherent fucking character instead of a cardboard cutout full of vague contrary ideas on what Kkat considers a villain.

Wouldn't it instead make so much more sense to avoid the war and the slaver arc and the thunderdome and everything involving Alicorns and Hellhounds and Canterlot just so Red Eye can win instantly by getting LP and Colonel Faggot in the same room and fusing with them?

At this fucking point I don't even think it's possible to satirize this steaming pile. Including a version of this shit in my story just so the hero can say "This is retarded and I'm skipping it" isn't possible because the story hinges on this retarded sequence of events LP never had a reason to be involved with.

Once upon a time, there was a handsome Unicorn badass who was asked by Red Eye to help kill Goddess Trixie and spark a war with the Enclave.
The Unicorn badass said "No, fuck off."
So Red Eye did it himself, losing the pointless war with the Enclave damn near instantly and dragging the entire wasteland into a conflict that could only end with the Enclave or surface world dead. or defeated militarily and entirely reliant on the other. Everyone died except for the hero who defeated the baddies, the end.
Or the unicorn badass told Red Eye how to win and then he did, becoming an Alicorn god, only to get his ass kicked by the hero because otherwise this villain wins, the end.

And then there was no fucking story either way because Fallout Equestria isn't a coherent story and nothing valuable can be obtained from its ashes.
Anonymous
d63b63e
?
No.327450
327452
Can I ask for another prompt? I'm almost done with this one >>327291
and I'd thought I ask before most of you nocturnal creatures go to bed.
Anonymous
5ea111c
?
No.327451
327452
1517385307685.png

Anonymous
5ea111c
?
No.327452
>>327451
For >>327450
Anonymous
27d57e2
?
No.327608
327615
I took feedback from this thread into account, gave it another go, and added another chapter into the start.

https://ponepaste.org/6149
Password: TwilightsAsshole

I also added a plot hook into the start: Twilight Sparkle, or a mare that looks just like her, invites Sparky to church. Also a hobo gifts him Applejack's family diary. I have no idea where I'm going with this but it sounds awesome.

Does starting the story with a chapter from Sparky's perspective, before going into his dream sequence, then showing him waking up as an adult, ruin the shocking moment I was going for when I started this story with the dream sequence?
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.327615
327643
>>327608
Shouldnt you be asking for any constructive feedback, or are those the only points that you feel merits refinement?
Anonymous
27d57e2
?
No.327643
>>327615
I don't understand what you're saying but I would appreciate any constructive feedback.
Anonymous
27d57e2
?
No.327705
327718
Come to think of it, if I set up "Dawn"'s church meeting in chapter 1, do I still need the hero to be given AJ's family journal?
I really liked the idea of Sparky reading chapters from the journal during downtime because...

>it sells the passage of time during long slow boring car rides without writing a million awkward elevator scenes
>it lets me redpill the audience on wounded knee and other shit Bioshock Infinite lied about
>it lets me set up themes to pay off in later chapters whenever I want
>it lets me add context and a history to the bombed ruins Sparky explores and fights baddies in without needing Sparky to stop in the middle of a firefight or scavenging session to search for and conveniently find a note or journal or Dear John/Johndeer Tractor Letter or functional computer terminal with a shitton of diary entries from one dead guy before and during the war that spells out exactly how this city fell.
>all the fun of having Random Documents And Audio Logs(tm) scattered everywhere except the hero does not need to waste time exploring to find them and there is no danger of leaving plot threads hanging by missing some lore dispensing collectables
>because AJ's family are canon characters, any coomfagniggers in the audience who treat canon as a sign of quality and reject original characters on principle for being unfamiliar and lacking porn and nostalgia will still want to know what happens in the AJ Family Diary even if they give zero shits about what happens in the main story.
>1984 did it so it must be genius for your book to contain another book.
>ape escape 3 contained a Metal Gear Solid minigame, this FE fic contains a MLP fanfic.
>my OC can actually think about past events and learn from them or read the book aloud to friends and argue with them over what the lesson to learn is. Then when the heroes relearn this lesson IRL they agree with the main hero for being a genius who is always right
>if I ever had a stroke and decided it would be a good idea to repeat FE's mistake where the hero autistically views Memory Orbs to pass out in dangerous places and view flashbacks from the perspective of other characters I literally couldn't because this is a diary
>it lets me add irony or thematic History Rhymes shit whenever I want something in the past to be somewhat relevant to the future
>the hero could read a chapter on badasses in the past then experience little bitches in the present and the audience should think "these fags are weak" when I want them to
>it lets me show the viewer horror stories of good men losing everything because they weren't racist and allowed the Griffonjews to win, I can even end these stories with the goodies dying so the audience hates griffons, without having to end the story right there because the heroes are dead or make up new heroes to carry the torch.
Anonymous
35b8a38
?
No.327718
>>327705
>because AJ's family are canon characters, any coomfagniggers in the audience who treat canon as a sign of quality and reject original characters on principle for being unfamiliar... and nostalgia
Yeah, it's weird to read AU fanfics were the mane six are shoehorned in as the main characters but they are essentially different characters all together. I guess, sometimes it's some form of creative expression but sometimes it just feels like they are aware that most bronies read fanfics for the mane six so they try to appeal to that.
Anonymous
27d57e2
?
No.327744
327831
I watched a Musical today and it was great.
So I thought about adding a scene where a literal cow in charge of the ponies starts rapping
and it alternates between evil gloating and lying.

https://ponepaste.org/6156
Password: TwilightsAsshole

What do you think?
Anonymous
27d57e2
?
No.327830
327832
I think the Twilight clone might be a way more interesting protagonist than my miserable lioncorn.
Initially I just added her because I want to cum inside Twilight Sparkle. But now she's growing on me.
A literal clone grown in a lab trying to be "the new Twilight" rather than "The next Twilight" is an interesting character arc, right?
Or am I just saying that because Twilight Clone could kick Sunny's ass in a fight?
My goal with Sunny was to make a depressed guy held back by and betrayed by jewed society ruled by sheep.
But Twiliclone is both female and mostly a canon character. Readers would cum buckets for this character.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.327831
327834 327836
>>327744
Sounds like everything you 'add' to your stories; undesired, without relevance, and literally who/what?
Anonymous
1d5eccf
?
No.327832
327834
>>327830
I think it could be interesting. Although if you're doing a Twilight clone be sure to make her a character foil for the actual Twilight. Perhaps reference key decisions and milestones that Twilight made in her life that the clone Twilight does not experience, leading her down a different path.
Anonymous
27d57e2
?
No.327834
327837
>>327318
>>327281
>>327831
What are your motives for talking to me like this? Do you have a problem with the content of my story? How will I improve it by taking what you have to say on board? I tend to overthink things, so I'm rushing into this story without my usual concrete autistic 230k planning document, just a vague overview of where the story will go and who's in it.
>>327832
I was inspired by Jack-O from Guilty Gear. You know from the Jack O pose ass meme.
She was supposed to be a clone of Aria, Sol Badguy's waifu from back when he was Fred, but Aria's spirit is too mindfucked from being mecha-godzilla with a blue boner to want to come back and ruin Jack-O's chance to be herself.
It's a really beautiful twist ending. You expect the hero to live happily ever after with everything he's ever wanted. But instead he gets this bittersweet ending. They've all changed so much, but he has to move on. He can't go back to the way things were, and he appreciates JackO for who she is. He's never called her Aria for a reason.
Anonymous
1d5eccf
?
No.327836
>>327831
Why don't you contribute to the conversation instead of being needlessly rude to content creators?
Anonymous
9f1806d
?
No.327837
327839 327840 327845 327923
>>327834
>Why you say this, Anon?
I think he made his point pretty clear. If we just focus on what you talk about adding, it seems to come out of nowhere. Like, how does this scene with a rapping cow musical mesh with the overall story? If this is suppose to be a parody of F:E, why is there a musical element in it? Not that you can't do it like that. Just that, form my limited point of view, it seems so... Odd. It gives the impression that you drop the ideas that pop up during your day into the story in an equally random fashion. The story becomes less focused and more tangential as a result. It can therefore be precieved as stream-of-conciousness-ish.

I'll have to wait until I see it in implementation before I make a judgement on it, though. I guess it could work if done well. But what I wantedto say is that I can related to this Anon's feelings.
Anonymous
9f1806d
?
No.327839
>>327837
Well, on the matter of the musical cow addition that is.
Anonymous
27d57e2
?
No.327840
327890
>>327837
I wanted the villain's "I am evil, but also fuck you" speech to be memorable so I made it a terrible rap.
That should help it stick in the audience's mind, right?
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.327845
327890
__cb20121213004223.png
>>327837
Thank you. Ive spelled it out in detail many moons ago, before even the Glimglam threads. For your consideration, Ill say it again, nicely. The issue is, whether something is 'cool' (read: useful, thoughtful, provocative, thrilling, tense, exciting, etc ad nauseum) or not is to do with its literary function, and not its concept. It's a waste of effort to ask in advance if the audience will be receptive to this or that, because the audience doesnt honestly know. I cite the absurd virality of Squid Game as exhibit A.
If it (the story) were written well or made to be compelling, it doesnt fucking matter what actual story element is introduced; if its made entertaining, it can literally be paint drying.
Asking if the idea is good before presenting it to the ultimate determining pary (the audience) is putting the cart before the horse.
Anonymous
35b8a38
?
No.327890
>>327840
>That should help it stick in the audience's mind, right?
Sure, it's not like you can't do it like that but this post >>327845
makes a great point regarding that question. The whole idea that the execution of an idea/premise is more important then the premise itself. Sure, some ideas are better than others and the execution can be seen as a string of ideas but you get the point.

Another point I'd like to make is that while Disney movies with villain songs made them more memorable then not, it has it's drawbacks. One fact is that the tension from immersion is dropped because if the villain breaks into song, our suspension of disbelief breaks. It's not bad but it depends on the story you're trying to tell. Breaking the tension might be good thing to do at times in a childrens' story. As not to scare the children by bringing in a lighter tone. Maybe? I don't actually know.

Having your villain sing a song were she exposit her motivation and probably background story isn't as effective, imo, as illustrating her motivation through somekind of subtle and 'showing' scene. So I think that rule applies here as well, "Show, don't tell." Essentially it's not as convincing to the audience when you just have her tell you why she does what she does instead of us seeing why she feels the way she does. Of course, I'm kinda using the classical tragical villain backstory as a template for my thoughts here but this idea but it should be applicable to other types of villains as well.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.327923
327939
>>327837
>It gives the impression that you drop the ideas that pop up during your day into the story in an equally random fashion
Have you read his stories? Thats precisely what he does, and with equal consoderation for the reader.
Maybe if he spent more time developing the villain, to the point that the audience knows, cares, and doesnt roll their eyes as they skip "what the fuck is this shit" chapter #32.
Maybe, just maybe, if he picked a project that he didnt already assume himself to be an expert in and then managed to keep his not-thinly-veiled-at-all, self-righteous "Im so good at writing I can ignore all the basic rules and concepts and still make a good story cuz its got stupid shit like rap battles and hoverboards and wtfe else" and tried to actually write a complete story. he might actually do a decent job.
The problem is trying to write in a genre. This new story is depicting (so far) how to properly structure the story from the POV of the main character, without making shit references that 'lol, its that thing from the show(/game/pokrmon/anime/etc)'. When writing in a genre you have to have as much care and delicacy when dealing with both the source material and the story, otherwise you end up with either a crap story in a well illustrated genre, a well written story thats a cheap exploit of the source material or absolute garbage.
Whats that? A quality story that makes effective and not exploitative use of the source material? Does such a thing exist?

Tl;dr In what universe is anyone going to find a randomly inserted cow rap to be memorable and adding to the story? This idea reads like something a kid would come up with playing with action figures and watching cartoons.
Anonymous
27d57e2
?
No.327939
327941
>>327923
Are you an expert on the "Genre" of stories forced to inherit Kkat's terrible worldbuilding decisions made when sharting out Fallout Equestria?
How many have you read? How can you help me write this genre better?
Anonymous
8810e9d
?
No.327941
327961
>>327939
>wh what do you know
Ad hominem
>Improve
Ive said it before, you don't. Fallout and Ponies should never have been a thing, because you cant be consistent to both genres while staying true to the other. I know (you) have it in your head that you can gloriously and alchemically turn this shit into gold, just like how your protags miraculously (and effortlessly, all things considered) miraculously (and likewise effortlessly) defies whatever laws of physics or incredulity he decides to. Like seriously, why are you still trying to poir more syrup on shit? Kkat will never be a female, and this shit will never be pancakes.
Anonymous
8810e9d
?
No.327942
Ponies could be written in the Fallout genre, Im not saying its entirely a lost cause. But, any Fallout Ponies story CANNOT succeed if operating off FoE's canon, because it was so atrociously implemented. Instead of taking an element or two from fallout and an element or two from ponies kkat took eveything from both, hamfisted unrelatable characters and themes, and gave himself a gold star. FoE is irredeemable.
Want to write a GOOD Fallout with Ponies story?
Step 1. Set FoE on fire
Step 2. Start from scratch, incorporating Fallout and Ponies in a way that fits the story you are trying to write. The story comes first, the setting and genre should come second. The latter is a means to convey the former.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.327957
327959
To clarify;
Fallout Ponies could work, but it would have to be a good story - mostly independent of genre - that also involved Ponies and Fallout.
I think its an untapped fanfic-theme, if the author is willing to tell FoE to fuck off sideways. Dont mention it, dont reference it, does it exist? What were we talking about?

Now, what kinda story should (I) write? Maybe something with elements of Fallout, but with ponies (cuz ponies). How would that work? What would make sense?
From the side, a random associate says "Hey, you could like, write down what happens in a video game but change names. That would be cool right?"
"Yes, thats way better than what I was thinking! I was gonna try to include a few characters in a context. Maybe Bonbon and Lyra, or donkey and raver (both?) since theyre unexplored character pairs who could have embellished backstories and nuanced episodes that would explain how they survived a 'magical nuke' (prolly from sombra or the goat they nossed in season 9). Maybe the mane 6 qs a whole, but getting sealed away cuz reasons. Hell, imagine how long it took for season 9 finale group to get out of tartarus? Was it a day, or 100 years? I had ideas to develop it past that, but plagiarizing horrible a video game plot - which are generally recognized and known for their theatric excellence and literary finesse such that new genres will be bourne - is way better than what I had in mind." said Kkat.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.327959
>>327957
Also, THATS how you parody
Anonymous
27d57e2
?
No.327960
I have thought about fundamentally reinventing the Fallout and MLP crossover so that it bears no resemblance to Kkat's FE and is instead a good story that cleverly meshes the themes of both pieces of media. But if I do that I don't get to make fun of FE in my story.
Anonymous
27d57e2
?
No.327961
>>327941
Asking what you know and how you can help me improve at writing what I want to write is not an "ad hominem".
Anonymous
fbd3802
?
No.328017
328022 328023
>>304982
I really don't see what those redpills add in a story about shagging everything that moves and has a pussy to be honest.
It sounds like you are trying to have your cake and eat it too. It;s okay to write degenerate fantasy. The problem is when we raise our children to believe it's normal. HAving the main character act like a huge homo and promiscuously haveing sex with a ton of people undercuts a lot of the morals you want to convey anyway.

But over all the biggest fucking thing I see in your awful attempt to pretend like you studied how to write a story is that you obviously didn;t.
>"Good wives are good, feminists are trash" and "fuck antifa" and "fuck jews" and "immigration doesn't solve problems, it makes them worse" and "fuck monarchy" and "governments use diversity against their citizenry" and "fuck communism" and "freedom is good" and "gun rights are good" and "evil religions are evil" and "abortion is bad" and "police states are bad" in a setting like this initially designed by a horny teenager who just wanted to draw big-tittied babes with giant swords?
none of this shit is a theme.
even stories from rance have themes.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWz1E3oHd8w
heres one you are probably familiar with.
Anonymous
fbd3802
?
No.328018
>>317685
Please do a bugmom cameo.
Anonymous
27d57e2
?
No.328022
328043
>>328017
I was going for a bit where promiscuously whoring himself out to strangers doesn't leave him satisfied and he actively hates whoring himself out for pay at the butler cafe but once he meets the Twilight clone he learns the wonders of monogamy and impregnates her then takes care of his child and her.
Do you think he should have talked with the train rabbit instead of letting her suck him off and weasled his way out of doing his job with the old lady specifically asking for him at the cafe?
That would have meant less sex in the story. But I liked the idea that the degenerate society even gets to him at the start and makes him miserable before discovering religion and horsepussy.
Anonymous
27d57e2
?
No.328023
328043
>>328017
By the way thank you for fully reading my story and critiquing it, I appreciate it.
Do you think skipping over the scene where the rabbit sucks him off and skipping the scene where he actually fucks the cow and then moving on like nothing ever happened is good for the story's pacing? Making those scenes so inconsequential they are literally skipped over seemed like a better idea than writing about his excessive screaming nuts while trying to ignore how weird the rabbit is and how awful a person the cow is.
Anonymous
8e23ca2
?
No.328024
"...Please," you ask as you look at a mare with huge, pleading eyes,
>The mare's lips depart but close again and she looks at you with pity.
>She sighs.
>She eyes the white hen clutched in your hooves.
>She looks away and lightly saws her underlip with her upper row of teeth.
>She sighs again.
>"We can take a break for now but you know you must do this eventually, " the mare says and looks back at you.
>As your gazes met, you look down to the floor as you hug the hen tighter.
>You hear steps grow louder and louder and then you feel yourself embraced by the larger pony.
>She nuzzles her snout down next to your ear.
>She stops there, with her mouth right besides your ear, for a moment before she whispers.
>"I'll be here afterwards, okay?"
>You don't respond.
>You don't say anything.
>But your face scrunches up.
>However, with your faced turned away from the mare, she doesn't see it.
>"Don't feel too guilty. Remember, this is an old chick. She have had a good life and she probably doesn't have much more time anyway," the mare whispers into your ear.
>Your turn your head from side to side as if you're trying to squirm out, not from the mare's grasp, but from this fate.
>You're pressed tighter into the chest floof of the mare behind you.
>"Come on, Fallen," she softly demands. "Now say your goodbyes and then... in a swift motion, grab and snap her neck."
>The mare took a small pause before she added.
>"Also, don't look her in the eyes." The mare shakes her head.
Anonymous
27d57e2
?
No.328026
I've been thinking and I don't think "sexy man who stops boning strangers when he gets a wife" is deep enough.
He shouldn't just stumble into having a wife. He should earn her.
What if he was a coward?
What if he was a sickening coward who begrudgingly serves the elite even as the evidence of how evil they are is shoved right in his face?
What if he witnesses cops kill a child right in front of him and he's such a coward he does nothing about it?
Maybe the child could literally haunt him and call him a faggot for not avenging him or leaving the Stable and taking his daughter with him?
And it would be ambiguous whether this is a literal ghost or his own mind breaking.
So the next time he sees a chance to be a hero he goes for it, killing cops and saving lives, unlocking enough determination to do magic despite the anti-magic gems around.
Then he joins a resistance movement and does guerrilla shit like blowing up key infrastructure the system relies on without hurting the people and fucking cops over as much as possible until eventually doing a coup on the Nobles in charge and killing them all.
It would be sick if a fight against The CEO of Fake News had scenes where Sparky chased him through a ton of movie sets while fighting robots and magical CGI and being put in fake news segments. The fake news could say "Lunatic kills orphans" while using CGI to make the murderbots he's tearing apart look like innocents and build up footage to give the fight a ticking countdown clock in the form of Sparky needing to kill the CEO of fake news before he can get these lies on the air.
Anonymous
fbd3802
?
No.328043
328047
>>328023
>>328022
Look man I'm not going to be able to help you here, I don;t read clop. Horse pussy is meaningless to me, I want to kiss cute horses, marry them, but bedroom stuff leaves me like a blushing bride at best. I do think that in porn there is less expectation on theme. As long as a sex scene or character contributes to the theme in some way its fine. even if its one dimensional. having it be a coming of age for a completely gone fucknugget is probably endearing as long as you can make it charming.
Anonymous
27d57e2
?
No.328047
328049 328051
>>328043
I don't want any full-blown (hehehe) sex in this story until my OC gets to Twilight. It's why I've been using the "Fade to black" method to skip those scenes.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.328049
328050 328052 328056
>>328047
>self-insert pony harem fantasy
Anonymous
76e762f
?
No.328050
328054
>>328049
Which is fine, right? We have porn on this site so why not other types of wishfulfillment? At least, he is more honest about it than some others. Like people who clearly write the same thing but pretend otherwise. There are a few of them in the fanfiction sphere.
But I do agree with your subtexted sentiment that such entertainment cannot be classified as high-art.
Anonymous
76e762f
?
No.328051
>>328047
Though, I am a bit suprized. I thought you intended to parody F:E but now with Sparky doing all this, makes me sooner think of that other fic you wrote in the F:E universe, which from what I remember was also partly made in reaction to everything you thought was wrong with F:E. Wasn's this suppose to be a parody? It seems like it's veering of course if you ask me.
Anonymous
1d5eccf
?
No.328052
328055
>>328049
Basically the plot of every other Anon-in-Equestria story. Nothing's wrong with that.
Anonymous
76e762f
?
No.328054
>>328050
>such entertainment cannot be classified as high-art.
Then again. Maybe you can´make such a premise into high-art. I have just never seen it done though.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.328055
328057 328069
>>328052
>Nothing's wrong with that.
You are aware this is the writing improvement thread right?
Anonymous
27d57e2
?
No.328056
328058
>>328049
Hey now it's not a harem if he only marries Twilight Sparkle. It's my other OC that gets a harem, the cool one. This OC guy's a little bitch until he stops being one and starts being cool, that's part of his character arc, the other part is learning to be a better dad for his autistic wolf daughter.
Anonymous
27d57e2
?
No.328057
>>328055
Saying "Sex fics suck and only faggots write them" won't improve sex fics.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.328058
328059 328060 328070
>>328056
Does the protag land >2 mares? Its a harem fic. Read: degenerate fap literature.
And this, from the guy who loves to go on about how much he has improved himself.
Wanna improve your writing? Remove the sex.
Anonymous
27d57e2
?
No.328059
>>328058
I can't remove sex that isn't there tho. Every time he's about to fuck the story skips the sex.
Though after the rabbit sex scene was skipped I made him think back on what the Rabbit said during the sex scene. Was that great writing or what?
Anonymous
27d57e2
?
No.328060
>>328058
hey wait was the rabbit scene even there in the version I posted in this thread? There was a funny bit where she saw his dick and said "You're a big guy!"
and he said "For you".
Anonymous
1d5eccf
?
No.328069
>>328055
I'm fine with AiA-tier stories. I've been fine with them for the past 10 years.
Anonymous
613c6bf
?
No.328070
328417
>>328058
>Remove the sex.
Sex fics can be good too. We're a nsfw board; it's a given that we'd take advantage of it.
Anonymous
9ed167f
?
No.328414
328452
I deeply respect your writing knowledge so I'm coming to you for writing advice.
One time I wrote a scene with Twilight feeling sad and directionless, no longer in control of her life.
She whined to herself about her problems through the narration while walking down empty hallways with loud echoing clops, wondering where the hell everything is in this new crystal castle.
It was praised by some readers and it did work setting up her character arc for the story (though i never wrote enough to get twilight's arc going anywhere because I was too busy shoehorning in autistic magical card bullshit)
But I'm rewriting the story and the scene's pacing kind of drags on compared to other punchier scenes.
Plus I want to try fewer infodumps from the narration and more scenes where the characters show the audience how they are feeling through their action and dialogue.
I also want to try writing short chapters with faster pacing.
What if I changed this to that splitscreen thing movies do where two characters are living very different lives side by side to contrast their daily routines?
Twilight wakes up in a big empty bed, my OC wakes up slumped over a desk full of unfinished work. Twilight reads as Spike cooks healthy breakfast, my OC eats coffee beans with a spoon like cereal while waiting for his secretary to cook his comically oversized shonen protagonist meal. Twilight autistically organizes last month's checklist collection by length, my OC does something different.
It could do double duty setting up both characters at once. But it would mean giving up that scene of Twilight wandering around wondering where the shitter is and telling the audience she's sad through narration while wondering where the shitter is.
Though I could always do a scene later where RD shows up to Twi's house excited to talk about Daring Do while Twi tries to get her to read at least one other book, and then Twi eventually lets on that she's sad. RD says "Oh Twilight, you don't have to hide your true feelings from me" and they both talk about Twi's feelings and eventually they hug it out plus RD gives terrible advice that results in enough wacky hijinks to fill an episode's runtime.
What do?
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.328417
328437
>>328070
>we're an nsfw board
Yes, we allow for nsfw; that doesnt mean sex is compulsory for a decent story. I would argue that whether a story is decent or not is independent of sex and sex scenes. I feel that plays out historically, so I will posit the following.
Sex wont make a bad story good, so unless the sex accompanies an otherwise good story, its gratuitous and lazy. Especially if it involves sex with all the mares excuse me, "a fade to black" with all the mares.
That the board is nsfw doesnt mean that any nsfw is quality, let alone quality writing.
Anonymous
9ed167f
?
No.328437
>>328417
Once I read a story that used sex between characters to display a bond between them. There was miserable dispassionate by-the-numbers loveless sex between a couple that wasn't working together. Later, a couple that worked better had better sex.
sex can be used to illustrate the bonds between character or deepen it. It can be a good part of any plot. It's just that most pornos don't have a plot beyond the excuse for sex to happen.

When I started writing the rabbit scene I thought about making it a scene where sex happens but then after he bathes her in bukkake she says "I will cry rape unless you give me money"
and he says "jokes on you I recorded everything, cheesy porno dialogue and all. Which means I have video evidence of you consenting."
"So you're going to blackmail me now?"
"No i'm going to keep this and do nothing with it. Blackmail is illegal you know. My people don't get away with doing illegal things. But keep in mind if you ever bring me into a courtroom this will be evidence used against you. That's not blackmail, that's a statement of fact".
But then
I had an idea
What if the rabbit was a whore that makes Sparky think "wow a life without consequence really is a life of no consequence. Dumb whore. Just sucking dick for fun because she gave up on finding a good man. The whore life is sad and inferior to housewife life."
Anonymous
fbd3802
?
No.328452
328592
>>328414
>what do
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1jf_7oHg0I
watch the full video.
also in writing its difficult to "direct" a scene
Anonymous
f3f163d
?
No.328591
At the time I wanted my protagonist to be half lion so he'd be foreign but not too foreign.
I also really wanted a cute puppy sisterdaughteru for him.
But
Now I'm thinking the "many animals" vault theme is harming the average coombrained brony faggot's ability to understand the story.
Surely if all the good guys were ponies and they were being abused by bad guy farm animals, that would be easier on their brains, right?
Ponyland already has talking cows.
So if I rewrote lioncorn to always be a unicorn, I wouldn't have to explain the potion mutagen used to turn the inhabitants of this vault into assorted animals. And I wouldnt have to spell out PREY ANIMALS ARE BAD TYRANTS because the audience would see ponies being abused and bay for "Noble" blood.
What do you think?
Anonymous
f3f163d
?
No.328592
>>328452
Thank you for this.
Anonymous
f3f163d
?
No.328603
I did another rewrite and added new chapters.
https://ponepaste.org/6228
The password is still TwilightsAsshole.

You don't have to read the whole thing to give advice, I'd appreciate it even if you only felt like skimming parts and reading a random chunk before finding something you wanted to critique.
Anonymous
f3f163d
?
No.328614
328622
Do you think 'TwilightsAsshole’ is a shit password?
Anonymous
2ae6d5b
?
No.328622
328624
TrustNobody.png
>>328614
Yes, but don't worry about it. Only worry about whether it makes sense.
Anonymous
f3f163d
?
No.328624
>>328622
IWTCIRD would be too obvious but I want to plough Twilight's asshole
Anonymous
f3f163d
?
No.328634
328635
Would it help the story if I started with a flashback to Twilight Sparkle and pals that established much of the world and their characters for first time readers?
Dawn aka Twilight Sparkle aka Mostly Twilight... I know what I'm doing with her now as I write this but I'm still not sure what the best thing to do with her is.
Though I like the idea of revealing this "Twilight Sparkle" is a clone with the real Twilight's soul summoned and sealed within her.
Clone Twilight was raised to be a sacrifice for the real deal and considers herself a failure because she cannot properly fuse with the Twilight spirit or make this Twilight spirit take over herself for anything except Avatar State fight scenes.
So this young Twilight can look inside herself to see an old wise miserable Twilight weighed down by regrets, she who doesn't want to be brought back to life at the cost of another and instead wants to guide this new pony into being herself, the hero, and the new element of magic.
So it's not gay character assassination like Old Luke.
Old Twilight is trapped inside the body of New Twilight like a Tailed Beast and doesn't want to take over.
But Sparky doesn't view her as a replacement goldfish for Twilight any more, because he has come to bond with Dawn and see her for the interesting mare she really is struggling to live up to great expectations. He sees her as more than something for dickings. Ha, dickens, great expectations, writer joke.

It also works as meta commentary. No matter how hard writers try to be in character their takes on Twilight and pals wont be Twilight just as the writers making the show cant write Twilight. Twilight exists in all of us.

Also...

Perhaps Sparky could be a fakeout protagonist and the most meaningful thing he ever did would turn out to be watching Twilight Sparkle save the day as he stares with his big muscles and big guns doing sweet fuck all.
Or perhaps the finale has New Twilight about to sacrifice herself to power the Magic World-Healing Wave Device and kill Gigasatan, God Of Griffons (who was behind everything all along and created griffoms plus he is a big monstrous satanic dino meteor currently mwahahahing in the sky) but then Sparky says "no, sacrifice is gay and I love you plus I know a better way" and resolves the problem by blasting Gigasatan in the face with the biggest gun until Gigasatan is dead, then he and his friends heal the world through their own hard work instead of relying on a sacrifice-powered piece of pre-war magical machinery Twilight built with good intentions (but a villain wanted to misuse it somehow and rejecting this easy option was the only way to stop that villain)
This is still kind of a total fucking mess but it's fun to write anyway and improve each revision.
Anonymous
fbd3802
?
No.328635
328638
0A3F3D0D-DD08-486D-A4CC-6C8496466F61.gif
>>328634
I really like this, and have a similar progression planned. though I was sort of intending to go the sacrifice route. I understand the fundamental Jewishness of it, but I also feel it hits strongly on natural notes found in faiths like Christianity, shamanism, Shinto, etc. My current narrative takes most of its ques from ocarina of time though, with the world healing being central to the storys progression.
Anonymous
f3f163d
?
No.328638
>>328635
Fequestria dedicated so much runtime to the best intentions of the heroes going horribly wrong for no reason.
And then one thing made to let one Pegasus manage the weather so more Pegasi could serve on the front lines ended up not being used for evil and instead used by the hero to undo the cloud covering, spontaneously making Edgequestria a nicer place where eventually the new Elements Of Harmony met up and did a big world-healing wave with the Gardens Of Equestria without LP.
now the weather throne had a magic thingy on it so not even a poner holding RD's severed head or LP with a RD statuette could enter.
RD decided this weather machine should require a live user instead of "a machine that thinks it's a pony"
And then Spike's fire is used to teleport LP into the weather throne that makes her Weather God Supreme. It's treated like a big sacrifice but she can leave the machine and go shag Homage at will.
none of this thematically works.
But if both these potentially world saving devices were perverted for evil (enclave uses the device to maintain the cloud cover, and the EOH was polluted by the Alicorn Amulet or something) and both had to be destroyed to remove evil's control over these methods to control the world, and then the heroes rebuild Equestria without needing absolute power (to contrast the villains who crave absolute power and dominance) it works as a pro-freedom story about dealing with past mistakes and overcoming them.
And rejecting authoritarians, especially libtards who think ponykind is insufficiently perfect for leftism therefore they have to achieve godhood to force it onto ponies.
With my story I want to say "fuck big government and fuck the idea that thrusting good poners into power will magically make them qualified to rule, the best thing a ruler can do is let freedom reign supreme, also fuck libtards and jews".
Fequestria simply avoided giving LP the Elements of Harmony for the sake of making LP too special for them while exploiting vulnerabilities in the misconception-filled lamestream bronyfag cumsoomer's mind about what "too much sueness" is and is not.
My story would reject using the Elements Of Harmony because born-perfect chosen ones coming along to magic all the world's problems better is the easy way out. My story would reject the idea of waiting for a chosen one and be about doing what's right no matter who or what you are. The Twilight clone literally only exists because somepony didn't feel like waiting around to be saved but also wanted to clone shitloads of girls trying to synthesize the perfect Twilight spirit host. Or maybe just clone one Twilight, because the thought of a big lab mass producing failed Twilights sounds too morally questionable for The Twilight Protocol's Architect to be a good guy.
Anyway that theme of doing what's right and choosing freedom over power...
That seems like a good counterargument to Fequestria's hypocritical leftist nonsense about poners randomly bouncing between using the all powerful surveillance state tower for birthday gifts and imitating random bad deeds Fallout's Weimerica did like "having internment camps" (which ironically are more like rapefugee camps complete with poners living there wondering why ziggers keep doing drugs and wishing cops policed zigs harder).
I also thought about including a Littlepip parody in my story who starts out being an obnoxious cunt and keeps getting worse, eventually getting pissed at the hero for solving some moral dilemma with the pragmatic "everyone gets to go home happy" option instead of the violence LP craves. LP quits and becomes a raging murderhobo who is (just like the short-sighted Red Eye parody) effortlessly manipulated by the cool Enclave character replacing General Fagfeathers. Enclave badass fuses with the two retards hoping to create the alicorn necessary for obtaining the absolute power all three craved all along. General Warhawk, Pink Eye, and Littleshit all fuse. They become a god that loses to the heroes because even if a deity came down and offered to satisfy all of humanity's needs and end all wars and suffering with the snap of its divine fingers in return for servitude and worship there would be men and women (or at least men) brave enough to refuse to kneel down and cry, brave enough to reject the easy answers of lies and say "No fuck you, square up thot, mankind ill needs a saviour such as you, I'm going to kill you with the power of friendship and this gun I found".

A false god dedicated to putting human brains in perpetual cum-motion machine jars, or trapping the souls of the dead in a big supercomputer simulating pony heaven with infinite resources, or making pomies smile and nut themselves while serving the false god and building it monuments, or any other method of removing all the real world questions that get in the way of the leftist fantasy of a "lovingly" dominated race of "orderly" human slaves?

Mankind ill needs a saviour such as that.
Anonymous
e62a4f3
?
No.328654
328656
Does anyone know where to watch original series?
Anonymous
2662dbd
?
No.328656
328672
>>328654
https://pony.tube/
Anonymous
f3f163d
?
No.328665
Is runtime the best word to use for the story?
What really pisses me off is how the good(tm) outcome of good(tm) characters are taken for granted by the characters and setting if they aren't canon.
The mane six couldn't save Equestria but a bloodthirsty backstabbing Griffon mercenary willing to sacrifice her own kids without complaint was able to rebuild it just by killing enough Red Eye goons with LP's help.
Anonymous
5de19fd
?
No.328670
328671
Initially I planned to make Sparky the son of a good poor man who became a champion boxer but was killed by the cops after accidentally killing a steroid-using cheater in the ring, and a good rich woman who rejected the age-old cultish rich-prick family traditions and chose marrying for love over money even if it meant giving up her pleasures and her own life, she died during childbirth even though the doctors said "giving birth to this child will kill you so let us kill it".
But
I was thinking
What if instead Sparky's dad was dead but his mom was a boomer libtard bitch who ends up murderered by a nigger gang, solidifying the hero's resolve to leave this jewed floor and go to an isolationist christian enclave that rejects mass migration and multiculturalism and therefore has no nigger problems?
Anonymous
5de19fd
?
No.328671
328673 328686
>>328670
Oh also surely a scene where Sparky is yelled at by his bitch boss (and doing all the work) while forced to paint a mural praising divershitty would be deep and symbolic right?
Anonymous
e62a4f3
?
No.328672
>>328656
Thx
Anonymous
f0ccd00
?
No.328673
328686
>>328671
Wait no, putting a scene like that into the story too early would turn away every brony who loves divershitty before they can bond with a character and then hate the libtards who screw him/her over with divershitty.
If that was the goal maybe making the hero a chad who fucks strangers and Twilight was a mistake. Maybe I should have made the hero a wimpy little pussy who'd have more in common with the average fimfic user. Or perhaps a generic wannabe-masculine lesbian bitch the average fimfic user would get horny for.
Anonymous
f0ccd00
?
No.328674
328685 328686
Initially I was thinking the protagonist should work two jobs: Doing all the work at a tech fixing company full of retards who hate him and being a prostitute.
But maybe that's turning viewers away for being too weird.
What if he worked on a construction site for 14 hours a day, moving heavy cement bags while having to pretend to respect the sheep women around him who pretend to work (while they literally contribute less than 12 year old boys also on the construction site)?
The sheep women could be all "waaah i broke a nail" and "I don't need you to mansplain to me how this machine works - *misuses the machine and breaks shit* - I blame you"
I thought the tech support job would be the perfect place to dump exposition worldbuilding about how important technology in the world works. Plus he could overhear chatter from other workers about society.
But if I'm going to have the protagonist get something better than a PipBuck and Battle Saddle before throwing those pieces of shit in the trash do I really need the "Sparky talks to an entitled racist wolf-hating horny abusive karen about pipbucks" scene when it would take fewer words to write Sparky trying to focus on paperwork while sheep coworkers argue over whether the PipBuck 3000 or 6000 is better?
Anonymous
3c33d88
?
No.328681
328682
>>>/archive/mlpol/198220
>>>/archive/mlpol/198236
>>>/archive/mlpol/198522
>>>/archive/mlpol/198530
>>>/archive/mlpol/198878
Even I suffer under this because I have also these tendencies of taking the easy way out. I hope to change that.
Anonymous
3c33d88
?
No.328682
328684
>>328681
https://mlpol.net/mlpol/archive/197769#199397
Anonymous
0614b85
?
No.328684
328693
>>328682
Taking the easy way out? What do you mean?
Anonymous
3c33d88
?
No.328685
328688
>>328674
To be more precise.
>What if he worked on a construction site for 14 hours a day, moving heavy cement bags while having to pretend to respect the sheep women around him who pretend to work (while they literally contribute less than 12 year old boys also on the construction site)?
Yes, then what? Without knowing what you want to do with the scene I have no idea how to give you advice to improve it.
And this is also the same thing you did with your Silver Star story. You posted it and expected everyone to shower it in praise because it preached to the choir.

Okay, so I'll give my best and most honest advice. Just write the scene dude. There's little to nothing for me to add. Seems like a fine scene, just do it.

I guess I could be to harsh again but if you take what I said with some grain of salt then it might be good for you because I do actually believe there is some wisedom to my words.
Anonymous
0614b85
?
No.328686
328687
>>328674
>>328673
>>328671
I don't know why my ID keeps changing but this is me.
Anonymous
aa80878
?
No.328687
328688
>>328686
Are you using a VPN? I do, so my ID changes a lot
Anonymous
0614b85
?
No.328688
328696
>>328685
With the story's opening scenes I want to set up:
the setting(why ponies have guns, why the ponies are being ruled by nigger sheep, why everyone's in a survival apocalypse bunker bigger than New York, why libtards called "Nobles" rule the bunker, why the hero is serving libtards who are making a peaceful life impossible)
the main characters (Main dude and Clonelight Spare-kle)
their flaws (hero is a self-loathing cowardly horndog and Twilight has self-doubt)
their arcs (Wannabe Twilight becomes herself, Wannabe Hero becomes a hero by growing)
the story's destination (first the hero finds a homeland worth fighting for and fights to save the bunker, but an evil Samson Option-style backup plan by the Nobles makes the bunker unliveable in one last act of vengeance, forcing the heroes to go out and find a special McGuffin that will make the bunker liveable again. Then a danger threatens the world so severely, only killing those responsible for the war (Griffons) and products of edgequestria trying to repeat the past's mistakes (Giant fusion fag) can save the day.
>>328687
No VPN, just a wifi router and two wifi extenders bridging the gap between it and my PC.
Anonymous
3c33d88
?
No.328693
328694 328699
>>328684
Like, what you actually want to do is to woo us with a grand story, I know this because that's what I want to do too. But these questions you want advice on...

I guess I'm just projecting and I have no proof of this but to me these questions are not asked by you because you want them answered but because you some fleeting moment of human contact but also because you like your creative genius to be put on pedestal where it belongs. I am the same way. There's nothing to be ashamed of here. Wanting people to talk to and wanting respect are not bad things but I don't have the right words for it but... but...
These questions are dumb. Like this one:

>What if instead Sparky's dad was dead but his mom was a boomer libtard bitch who ends up murderered by a nigger gang, solidifying the hero's resolve to leave this jewed floor and go to an isolationist christian enclave that rejects mass migration and multiculturalism and therefore has no nigger problems?
Yes, what if? Do you see what I'm saying? There's no real advice I can give to this piece here. Prove me wrong. Which again loops back to it just being there so you can rant about some aspect of things you don't like.

Honestly, it just hit me that the best advice I could think of to give you, if you're writing a F:E story is to do so isolated from the F:E story. Your story doesn't have to be a critique of Fallout Equestria (the story) instead make up your own universe from scratch through the same crossover.
The same thing goes for all this redpilling in your stories. Like, many things. Instead of tackling every single aspect of what you don't like through some self-insert character mc, tackle one of the social issues for one story and make a character that is specifically made to promote the moral of your story.

For example, if you were to write a story with a moral that was, "Affirmative action is bad," then it would be easier for you to not make it a huge clusterfuck of ideas but also the mc could be more focused as well. Instead of having Silver Star 3.0, you could have a character that makes sense for this fic and this fic alone.
So for my example, I imagine a mare character, which clearly isn't my self insert btw, who thinks that affirmative action is great because mares have been suppressed and shit. Through affirmative action she gets a job which she is not qualified for. She constantly makes a fool of herself and causes everyone around her harm. She rationalizes all this as oppression and then switches job without having learnt a thing and that's how the story ends.

See how this character isn't me and I don't feel a need to place me great wisedom into her at every moment for her to spout it on a soap box? She is just a character that I'd use for the purpose of telling a story.

So this might be needlessly mean at times. Again, you don't actually have to listen. I can't make you do anything anyway.
Anonymous
3c33d88
?
No.328694
>>328693
I don't know why I'm so cranky. Sorry. I could voice my views in a less destructive manner.
Anonymous
3c33d88
?
No.328696
>>328688
Actually, no. While these questions are still kinda pointless, Since what answers do you expect to get on them anyway? having good starter questions isn't a requirement for starting discussion on the subject of writing improvement.
So I apologize and retract some of what I said.

I don't wanna do this anyway. I want to write. So that's what I should spend my time on.
Anonymous
0614b85
?
No.328699
328701 328880
>>328693
If I wanted to be praised as a "genius" I would find a large crowd of easily impressed faggots and change my name and write something full of homosexuality and pseudointellectual pandering and cringe bronyisms designed to be popular, not good or fun to write.
As it stands Sparky's mother is, as he puts it in a chapter I'm writing, nothing but a pretty face in his father's old photographs.
But what if his mother was not a stranger but something more kids of my generation experienced growing up: a narcissistic libtard boomer?
If she gets what she deserves from divershitty it tells the audience "divershitty kills its allies".
It would display the futility of the leftist status quo.
And help motivate the hero to hate the left enough to start killing as the audience cheers him on.
You know how many stories depict truly vile antagonists yet still feel the need to give the hero a personal reason to get involved with the story and want the villain stopped? That's common in stories about heroes who grow and rise to the challenge of the hero's journey. It's not enough for the hero to want to protect his homeland "because I am one of the idiots who lives in it", there also needs to be some pretty little princess to save or adopted daughter to save or fallen friend/family member to avenge. So I should probably put it in mine since it is probably important. Niggers kill his libtard mother and she dies screaming "I'm on your side!" just in time for him to arrive with niggers in the house, a dead mom, a gun or melee weapon on him, and a fight forced onto him, but after he wins he has to escape because the cops love making an example out of whites who fight back. He escapes to the christian place (or they reach out to him when he's thrown into a gulag and they help him escape) and lives happily there growing as a man and learning responsibility until the baddies come to war on it or something.
christians win a defensive war, sheep lose and get wiped out, the sheep sabotage the Stable at the last second to force the hero to leave the vault to get The Holy McGuffin of Stable Repairing, giving him an excuse to go out into the wasteland and see shit and interact with settlements with their own ideas about how to rebuild after the end.

I like your example but I think the ending would hit harder if she attempted something big she thought she was ready for and failed, killing someone innocent. Like a big risky surgery she wasn't ready to do successfully. She should have it drilled into her that she is not ready and was never qualified to begin with. The audience should feel cheated out of a feel-good underdog story and look back at the heroine's behaviour to realize she was the bad guy all along choosing to view everyone else's behaviours through lenses of imagined oppression. Then again that might be too extreme. I'm still no expert at this.
Anonymous
0614b85
?
No.328701
>>328699
Come to think of it FE gave LP a narcissistic alcoholic mother but she never really mattered to the character or story. She was just there to imply LP was small due to alcohol damage and give Velvet Remedy someone to shout at for considering herself traumatized. (sure the heroes have seen some absurdly fucked up shit but having the "invincible" bunker you grew up in penetrated by outsiders from an irradiated shithole and surviving an attack that claimed the lives of ponies you knew is probably still pretty fucking traumatic). But this character, while still so unimportant she would barely have a name, would tie into the "fuck leftists and divershitty" theme and die to push the plot along. She wouldn't be super fleshed out and wouldn't need to be. Scenes with her alive give Sparky a chance to see another shit woman in a shit stable and scenes with him still mourning her death realistically show his humanity.
Although I don't like the idea of making this guy related to this alcoholic bitch.
Why would a chad like his boxer dad want her?
Maybe if Sparky's real mom died giving birth to him and the alcoholic cunt was an evil stepmom figure? That's a classic fiction cliche, everyone loves it.
Anonymous
0614b85
?
No.328789
Fuck.
I know what I should have given my protagonist.
An annoying bratty little brother.
Some innocent kid.
If Sparky is sent to a school to bring his kid brother back home, I get to do a scene where he sees the kid being brainwashed. Then saves his kid brother from bullies outside the school.
Then the kid warms up to his older brother or is all "I didn't want or need your help! I don't want them to think I'm weak" so Sparky can give a good "good men do not concern themselves with the opinions of sheep" speech.
I think it would enhance the story if Sparky started off having a family but the niggers killed it. Then Sparky's new family became racist christian ponies.
Anonymous
b526c79
?
No.328791
328792
>328699
>328701
>328789
So didnt read. I know the 'those that deal with my bullshit are respectable' social method has weeded out bad contacts, but there comes a point that youre being excessive. You have passed that point.
Anonymous
0614b85
?
No.328792
>>328791
Broken link
Anonymous
9bee636
?
No.328807
328830
I havent written in months
I haven't interacted with pones (besides thanking Luna for the moon) in years
I haven't been on mlpol for the past 7 months
And worst of all the internet is FUCKING boring, my brain is melting, the lack of mental stimulus is mind-numbing I can't with normies.
So
I wanna come back. Can I write something for you guys, I want you to judge me. Throw me a themee or a character and I'll work my magic.
Anonymous
8be80f7
?
No.328830
328881
408384.png
>>328807
>Sunset and Cadance are both students of Celestia's at the same time.
>Maybe Cadance hasn't yet ascended or maybe she has.
>She might still be a pegasus.
>How is their relationship?
Anonymous
0614b85
?
No.328856
328880
Initially I wanted Sparky's half-lion nature to give him some sick Skyrim Dragon Shout powers he learns over the course of the story.
But instead of dungeon-diving for these magic words like "Strong" and "Weak" and "Fear" and "Fire", they would be manifestations of concepts and lessons he learns during the story.
Plus making the hero a LionCorn makes him visually distinct compared to all those faggots in vault suits and leather armour.
But now I'm thinking making the hero of ponykind a filthy half-breed might ruin the story's racist themes.
What if the hero was a half-dog Unicorn, and going to the Racist Christian Pony Floor and getting baptised in anti-Mutagen turned him into a full Unicorn able to get magic lessons and perform real magic?
Though I still want to keep the "He learns magic from his experiences rather than books" angle. It would be too easy for him to find a library full of all the useful spells and become OP.
Anonymous
0614b85
?
No.328863
I've got an idea
What if Sparky got these glasses that gave him a videogame style HUD that highlighted libtards visually, so whenever he looks at a person he sees what crimes they got away with? This could help the audience understand that the bad guys are bad.
Anonymous
ae8c23f
?
No.328880
328890
Fake Lp would look upwards.png
>>328856
While it is nice having stories portrayed christianity in a good light, I don't know if I'd make christianity a thing in the world of ponies. Does the ponies somehwo know of christ? Is there a jesus pony? I rather that you made harmony or something like that along with the Princesses into deities or something. Something of the world you're writing in.
This made up religion could basically be christianity but fit into the universe.

>>328699
Yeah, I was just making an example but indead that mc could cause more damage to emphasize how affirmative action doesn't make sense. But I didn't think too much about it since those things are more the details of things of it rather than the concept.
Anonymous
cd592b8
?
No.328881
329070
Obligatory poner.jpg
>>328830
There was a time when Cadence and Shimmer both studied under Celestia's wing, long before princess twilight was born, these two would rock Celestia's patience, almost making her bald!
Let me teach ya' of a few stories I myself saw with me own two ays'
Once a time' Cadence came to my shop...

A fine-looking mane of pink fur determined to enter a pet shop to get herself an exotic creature no one else had in the kingdom.
After a few words with the shopkeeper, she went through all of the animals he had, from serpents and dogs to manticores and cockatrices, she had seen them all.
—This can't be! Does no one has a creature i have never seen?! —The mare exclaimed, planting both hooves on the counter-top
—There's one last creature, madame, yet i am not sure i want to show you —Said the shopkeeper.
—Oh please show me, i beg you! —Replied the mare
And so the shopkeeper walked to the back of the shop, behind thick red curtains and came back with a small cage. Within the cage was an animal the mare had never seen before!
The animal had no eyes, no legs,no nose and no ears, it looked like perfectly fluffy ball of fur.
—What...What is this? —The mare inquired, the look on her face reflecting the uncertainty of her tone.
—This, madame is a Fluffbourgeois —Replied the shopkeeper.
—And what does it do? —Asked the mare, now giving the shopkeeper a puzzled look.
—Madame, please watch —Said the shopkeeper.
And so the shopkeeper stared intently at the fluffbourgeois and exclaimed:
—Fluffbourgeois, door!
And so the fluffbourgeois flew across the room and hit the door with the strength of a thousand bricks, leaving it in shambles before quickly returning to its cage.
—Fluffbourgeois, wall! —Exclaimed the shopkeeper.
Not wasting a second, the fluffbourgeois flew again and hit the wall like a thousand bricks, bringing it down with a solid hit before sitting back in on his cage.
—I'll take it —Said the mare with a smile, already taking out a few bits from her saddlebag.
—Alright, if you're sure...—Replied the shopkeeper.
As the mare made her way to the exit, the shopkeeper couldn't help but ask:
—Madame, what the flying fuck are you going to do with a fluffburgeois?
With a smile, the mare replied:
—Lately, i have had trouble with a schoolmate, so I'll place the fluffburgeois on my desk. When she arrives, she'll ask "Cadence, what the heck is that" for which i'll reply "You see, shimmer, it's a furburgeois" and she will look at me and say "Furburgeois my ass!".

Sorry anon, i dropped the show before i got to Sunset, but i hope you enjoy this lil story.
Anonymous
ab84595
?
No.328882
328883
>>299458
I Want to Start Writing. I've Written Very Little, so i'm not Very Good. Anyone have a Simple Prompt?
Anonymous
cd592b8
?
No.328883
328884
Poner I.jpg
>>328882
Celestia finds out anonfilly/anon has been stealing from her secret cake stash for unknown reasons.
Anonymous
ab84595
?
No.328884
328886 328895
>>328883
Based. Should i do it as a Green or no?
Anonymous
69aeacd
?
No.328886
328891
>>328884
If you feel you can
Was gonna stay and wait for the quad 8s, but Id rather post this and tick it closer to see what happens
Anonymous
0614b85
?
No.328890
>>328880
I wouldn't call it Christianity outright. Most bronies are Americans and they've been raised to hate it.
If a pony said "Jesus fucking Christ" it would be more jarring than Christian Sonic fanart.
Almost as jarring as when Littlepip cries "Luna's shitting maregasms!" or "Luna clop my clit with her hoof!"
But a pony exclaiming "By The Light!" or "In the name of the moon!" sounds even more normal than "By Odin's beard!".
I'd call this religious force The Light or The Holy Church Of The Divine Trinity's Dawn or The Divine Way or Astralism or Foukandalz some bullshit like that.
The kind of generic vague fantasy religion followed by Priests and Paladins and Inquisitors and Crusaders in countless fantasy settings.
Light good, Light says be good, light objectively exists and gives the Light Warriors power to defeat the darkness, perfect for any vaguely european fantasy setting.
When it comes to the name "church", the aesthetics, the moral values, the moral lessons passed down from The Holy Light that whispered its truth to ponykind long ago only for the old ways to be rediscovered, maybe even holy creatures of light from the Elemental Plane Of Light whispering to the pure that their souls can be saved if they walk the path of heroism and truth, that would be just christian enough without the need for any specific talk of Ass Bones or Sodom.
Anonymous
0614b85
?
No.328891
>>328886
Hey who got >>328888 →
Anonymous
1b11bdf
?
No.328895
>>328884
Sure, green is fun
Anonymous
0614b85
?
No.328897
The 2006 film Children Of Man made a white male hero the protagonist because the goal was to propagandize them. Other groups were depicted "positively" when they laid down their lives for divershitty.
Fallout Equestria made the thirty-something's self-insert OC a small female because hornily staring at bitch ass and simping so hard for two whores you literally kill for them is supposedly cute when you're a tiny and helpless widdle wesbian...
Of course she't not helpless at all, she's an overpowered cheat character and being shot doesn't even slow her down in a setting where health potions and OP guns practically grow on trees. She also has boxcar-lifting telekinesis strong enough to make bulletproof shields from water and precise enough to pick locks she cannot see.
(speaking of which the entire "LP serves Red Eye arc was a retarded excuse to reference shit from Fallout 3. If Kkat had at least half a brain he would have had LP forced to figure out new solutions to new problems without her friends and OP gear and all those new solutions would come in handy when escaping. Pulling all 3 heretoforth-unseen abilities out of her useless fuckhole to lockpick locks from the inside without lockpicking tools and levitate herself and a friend and levitate liquid into a bulletproof shield was pure bullshit)
Dishonesty and a carefully considered but faulty mental calculus drove Kkat to fucking point-buy this character. He wanted her to be OP enough to beat his fetishy clusterfuck of a Fallout 3 retelling with amplified monsters but not so OP it would turn audiences away.
My goal is to create an actual good story. The story of several unwanted outcasts suffering from jewed society in different ways learning of Christ and accepting Harmony's light. It's not a tale of power. It's a tale of growth.
But does that matter if the target audience of anyone willing to pick up and read a story named "Fallout Equestria: InsertWordHere" only wants to read about "plucky" OP lesbian simps with a god complex?
Maybe I should write a crowd-pleasing prequel starring Twilight Sparkle. Full of Hollywood cliches executed competently. A buddy cop film where Twilight and some cool dude solve a crime and they start off hating each other but then they love each other then he dies for her. Then at the last second it turns out this was the Twilight Clone all along as seen in my FE story. There's a post story scene in the end where Not Nick Fury tells Not Twiiight to go and get Sparky in the Church. There's a warehouse full of orphan-powered Twilight clone vats and she was a clone who escaped. Also Twilight literally rides a motorcycle over a shark during a fight with one with frickin laser beams on its head. That's retarded enough for them to call it a hilarious reference right?
Anonymous
0614b85
?
No.328931
File (hide): 917DEDB8A45ABD7AB79172A55F56047F-641036.mp4 (626.0 KB, Resolution:504x282 Length:00:00:12, StillBetterThanBattleSaddles.mp4) [play once] [loop]
StillBetterThanBattleSaddles.mp4
You know what's cool about the arm mount and thumb ring? All of this could be securely strapped around a pony limb. Just flick your hoof in a way you'd never do when walking, and the gun emerges, ready for action, ready to be aimed anywhere. Flick your wrist again to fire, or flick your wrist differently to retract the weapon. IRL horses couldn't run on three legs efficiently but lighter smaller cartoon ponies could probably pull it off after enough practice.
Anonymous
0614b85
?
No.328960
My zipper's open
My cock's what I'm choking
I've even forsaken my race
For now is the season
To discard all reason
And nut on Twilight Sparkle's face
A glorious ass
But I'm not just crass
Her mane is what I long to feel
Human puss I spite
As my dick stands upright
The only thing I know for real
There will be nut! Shed!
In that video Twilight's giving head
Twilight will be! Bred!
I'll ride upon that feathered back
Because mounting's all that's left I can take
OH NO THERE WILL BE NUT! SHED!
IT'S THE ONLY THING I'VE EVER BLOWN!
Losing all my dignity
Fearing I might not succeed
I'll fuck the horse in front of me
I must fill Twilight with seed
As we're fucking at this deadly height
Over Ponyville, it's raining white!
Anonymous
deba27c
?
No.329070
>>328881
Well done poner.
Anonymous
0614b85
?
No.329157
329159
Hey what if my character went to a bar/nightclub/party or whatever, saw that rabbit girl he fucked fucking others, and felt bad because she's a whore who will fuck anyone?
Or maybe she's getting gang-raped and he saves her?
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.329159
329160 329162
>>329157
Hey, what if you wrote your entire story by throwing out ideas and basing your product on what everyone else says and have no responsibility for figuring out a compelling story? Wouldnt that be 'cool'?
Anonymous
0614b85
?
No.329160
329166
image.png
>>329159
Hey, what if you stopped embarrassing yourself by yelling whiny cheap unoriginal uninspired mindless wannabe-sarcasm whenever you felt like it, and stopped claiming I never ask for or listen to advice/criticism whenever you felt like it?
What if you got over your cognitive dissonance and then got over your years-old grudge against better men than you?
You're so boring.
It's always the same bullshit with you, over and over and over again.
And you never understand why I don't care about you.
No matter how many times you tell me your opinion of me, I will never care about you or respect you or respect what you have to say, because you're not a respectable person.
You're not an authority on writing, health, morality, or anything else.
You don't even have the balls to make these spiteposts without your VPN on, mr (1) post by this ID.
Why don't you ever change things up?
It would surprise me if you said something intelligent for a change.
But since that's impossible for you, could you be different in some other way?
Maybe if you tried your worthless negging shit in a different language, or tried to change your posting style?
Maybe you could type your sentences backwards for a post or two, and see if that makes me care about them.
In fact, what if we swapped places for a day?
You try creating something for a change, and I'll laze around masturbating to pass the time between chances to desperately try to start beef with a man who moved on without me years ago!
Oh, wait a second.
We can't do that after all.
We can't swap places because you can't change as a person.
And I can't do anything as pathetic as your hobby, because I'm not you!
I genuinely don't know how you're able to keep going in such a state without feeling a shred of shame.
Don't you ever crave something more meaningful in life?
Now comes the part where you claim you're the real winner here because you made me spend more time responding to you than you spent thinking of and writing your post, right?
Give me a break.
Anonymous
89c19d9
?
No.329162
>>329159
SPECTRUM?
SPECTRUM.
Ninjas
0a80dee
?
No.329166
329174
>>329160
>you dont have the balls
Anonymous
0a80dee
?
No.329168
329174
I literally just got finished giving you props in the GG thread. You claim Im unhinged with a ridiculous complex against you cuz reasons; you're half right, I hate that you think you can phone in your writing and expect people to suck your dick cuz you threw out a random idea and cant be bothered to actually analyze it yourself so you attempt to delegate to the board.
But, I rather enjoy that/when you attempt to stonewall when you get called out, so I guess see you next time.
Anonymous
0614b85
?
No.329174
329178
>>329168
>>329166
So just how close are you two?
Anonymous
0a80dee
?
No.329178
329186 329214
>>329174
>lel, Im gonna pretend I didnt just get dickslapped, cuz that would be emasculating
Keep producing your totally-not-self-service-big-titty-anime-'game' while 'saving the white race' and promoting christian values (with big titty anime women,... theres no conflict therr I swear)
Anonymous
0614b85
?
No.329186
329188
>>329178
Is it really "dickslapping" for Ninjas to reveal "Psych! I'm actually a staff membet! I was only pretending to be that guy!" like it's some big "gotcha" moment?
By the way, it's funny you should mention that game. You see,
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.329188
329189
Screenshot_20211222-214447_DuckDuckGo.jpg
>>329186
I havent been staff for almost a year. Deflect and stonewall moar fgt, stop trying to delegate your 'ebin creative process' to horsefuckers who dont give a fig what happpens to you and your self-claimed 'development project'.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.329189
Screenshot_20211222-214957_DuckDuckGo.jpg
>>329188
For clarity, since you cant grasp differing cell nodes
Anonymous
1d5eccf
?
No.329214
329215
>>329178
>Keep producing your totally-not-self-service-big-titty-anime-'game' while 'saving the white race' and promoting christian values (with big titty anime women,... theres no conflict therr I swear)
It is against the nature of this board to imply that once cannot do both, tbh. Hobbies are not mutually exclusive with productive efforts.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.329215
329216
>>329214
So youre saying that a person can be A. saving the white race and opposing degeneracy and B. write a story about a big tittied anime who gets fucked a bunch of times?
Anonymous
1d5eccf
?
No.329216
329339
1232530__explicit_artist-colon-aryanne_deleted+from+derpibooru_derpibooru+import_edit_oc_oc-colon-aryanne_unofficial+characters+only_earth+pony_human_p.png
>>329215
Yes.
Anonymous.
2b6ec5b
?
No.329330
329457 329761
happy_aryanne_by_aryannehoofler-d8fmve2.png
>>>328922 →
Well, it's already Christmas time, as promised, it's my first fanfic attempt but i think it's atleast enjoyable to some degree, hope you guys like it.

>No greentext
I know, sorry about that

https://ponepaste.org/6273
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.329339
329354 329393
>>329216
>textbook double-think
Discarded
Anonymous.
2b6ec5b
?
No.329354
329356
175AECDE8DC2B47854CC48F2F406B987-172925.jpg
>>329339
Wait, wut?!
Am new to this, explain urself
I know the structure is fucking garbage but that's why am here
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.329356
329362 329394
>>329354
tl;dr One cant legitimately oppose degeneracy while writing frivilous - and Im quoting - big titty anime sex fantasies
Anonymous.
2b6ec5b
?
No.329362
329372
d0294ae2-50ba-429b-961b-ffe5954f435c.png
>>329356
Well uh...i...i guess so, tho i don't think it's worth the infighting
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.329372
>>329362
I agree. And if a particular sperg could take some well-intentioned (and only moderately shitposty) parody/criticism without going off the rails with character assassinatins, gaslighting, schitzo-paranoia, et al, we could avoid these episodes.
Anonymous
613c6bf
?
No.329393
329396
>>329339
>Complaining about double-think on the horsefucker politics board
Who even cares?
Anonymous
613c6bf
?
No.329394
329396
>>329356
How is that any different from doing it with ponies?
That's a false dichotomy. Your hobbies do not have to reflect your politics.
Anonymous
a2951f7
?
No.329395
329396
>>329384
this fuckin guy lmao
You know what? Yeah sure whatever, I'm the bigger guy (for you) and you can think whatever you want. Do you have anything to contribute that might improve the story?
Anonymous
94e0d6e
?
No.329396
329432 329567
For the sake of the Hearths Warming Spirit calculate the maximum effects you are in the midst of doing. The cold calculus of horsery when done correctly should revel the way foward
>>329381
No by taking his stance the way he does he stands by his actions about reducing all degeneracy by not being a secondary accomplice in the creation of
>big titty sex fantasies
<aka degeneracy
The stance you are taking is stabbing your face to spite your foot.
Just stop assuming because your assumptions are off the mark and have been for quite some time.
>By taking this stance he gets to look "too based for porn"
Ass
Sump
Tion
>without helping me write better stories that oppose degeneracy, or better big titty anime sex fantasies.
Already covered why someine who already gave advice years ago, spurned, then demaned to have more advice but dressed in the latest lingo is a no win situation.
>By the way I was away for a while, did I miss anything?
<Completely irrelevant, answered by the most minute lurking.
Why haven't you absorbed the connection between the poster and his posts? Why? Why!? why
>>329393
>>329394
This is a political horse fucker board. All the ways to make both possibilities true and correct along with all the ways to make it immoral and dastardly come to mind.
Be more mentally limber.
It is a person becoming one with ideals and causes. Aligned physically and mentally in what they believe
It's knowing what goes on in the head and body and soul. All the possibilities.
Rainbow Dash Cum Jar man is by nearly all metrics by outside observers to be just another regular person.
>>329395
Why would he go against his principles again and be burned again?
What isn't being said is just as important.
Merry Horsemas I brought the gift of assholery.
-t. Moral Degenrate Anon erasing root problems.
Anonymous
a2951f7
?
No.329432
329437
>>329396
That reminds me, do you have any ideas that could improve the story itself?
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.329437
329466 329543
>>329432
Learn and develop an actual creative process.
Your process appears to be 'think of an idea and pitch it' without any effort to determine if you can write that idea effectively.
Its been said before, it virtually doesnt matter what the story is, it matters how you execute.
The first problem is that your characters are poorly written and come across as caricatures,which makes it effectively impossible to identify with them.
>inb4 lel ur supposed to
No, you're not. Even your villains should be comprehensible and understandable, in so much as you illustrate to the audience. Reading a shit, Stupid-Evil antagonist doesnt make me want to see the hero win, it makes me want to set the book on fire and then lob it under your house.
The problem is, you're already conceptually invested in this writing project and you assume everyone else is or will be, and if you throw out ideas that you like, people will resonate. You might get a handful, but you also might have to hear them talk about how great FoE was.
Stop being lazy. Stop asking people what will make it better. Stop delegating your creative process. Wanna learn how to write better? Take a masterclass. Appeal to an actual authority to learn from. READ AN ACTUALLY GOOD BOOK. Ffs there's how much critically valuable educational material available online and youre asking a bunch of nazi horsefuckers? And then you have the temerity to play the victim when your obvious and glaring laziness is called out?
>inb4 lel he mad
Disgust, is the word. Im disgusted. DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.329441
Whoops, that should read
>lel, you're not supposed to
Yes, you are

Anonymous
17759f5
?
No.329452
329455 329486
just a theory - a GAAAAAAME theoryyy.jpg
Okay, I'm gonna pitch you a replacement theory. Your critique would help a lot.

Changelings represent the brony fandom and queen Chrysalis is actually Lauren Faust. At the end of season two, when brony fandom was at its peak, changelings invade canterlot, just before Faust's final departure from the show. The main goal of Chrysalis was not to defeat Celestia, but to replace everyone with her drones while the originals are safely kept in chrystal cocoons and spared from being corrupted by hasbro's corporate overlords. A long time ago, Chrysalis, formelly Fausticorn - Celestia's mother, has met her future minions and accepted them. She didn't accuse them of their twisted ways. She simply accepted them. This head canon draws a parallel with Faust visiting 4chan. Despite site's notorious infamy and bad reputation among normies, Faust made herself known there. This is the day Fausticorn was reborn as a queen of all changelings. A queen of all bronies - good and bad alike. And so began the ultimate process of replacing every single pony in equestria with it's respective doupleganger. In "putting your hoof down" you begin noticing ponies acting strangely off character, like when Bon-bon hurts fluttershy. Yoou also notice copies of ponies being scattered in the background.

At the end of season 2, when changelings attack canterlot, you see mane six fighting with themselves. This fight is a breaking point for the show since there is no telling whether or not each member of mane six is real after that. They could have been easily replaced without anyone ever knowing.

And so they were.

With later seasons you see ponies becoming less of what they were and more of a copy, a parody. This was Chrysalis's plan all along. Every bit of information, every bit of fanart, is just a copy of what once was Faust's own creation.

But changelings have betrayed chrysalis.

Apparently they don't feed from Faust's love. They give their love back. Changelings have reformed and took their place as the originals once and for all. Chrysalis couldn't take it. She will never accept this. She will never allow the copy to asume it's the original. That's why she cries when Starlight offers her peace.

This is a tragic story of one individual creating a fandom only to be betrayed and forgotten. Afterall, Chrysalis was never reformed.
Anonymous
17759f5
?
No.329455
329486
>>329452
The only problem I see with this theory is that faust visits 4chan on May 27th 2013 whereas season 2 concludes on april 21 2012. Maybe 4chan visit is more of a debriefing then?

Anyway, this is just a dumb idea on my mind. Feel free to call me a faustfag.
Anonymous
17759f5
?
No.329457
329459 332573
>>329330
you might want to work a bit on your world building. The difference between a story and a wall of text is that a story has a deep sense of structural coherency. One action leads to another, which leads to conflict, drama, something that a reader will want to care about. If you are a novice author, I recommend writing very simple short stories using simple words. This way it will be much easier to see the structure of your story as well as ways to improve on it.

Good luck
Anonymous
17759f5
?
No.329458
Start a story with something like this.

>Long time ago, in the paradise known as Equestria, two sisters ruled the kindom, the first beings to ever discover magic. Many outsiders that scatter the scorched remaines of what once was a heavenly place often like to recall its wonders. How you could be surrounded in a vaccum of happiness, free from any dread that you so often find dragging you down.

>What they don't know is that magic for which ponies are known became the exact reason of their demise.

It's a bit dark sided but the premice is all there. It creates intrigue that raises a line of questions in your head. What the heck happened? Are we in the future? And so on.
Anonymous.
cb9a101
?
No.329459
65-5.jpg
>>329457
Hey there! Thanks for the feedback.
I have a couple more chapters already written that i think expand a little more on that, i knew from the first chapter i was probably bitting off more than i could chew, i'll try polishing the other chapters to post again tomorrow.
That way anons can spot recurring issues.
Anonymous
a2951f7
?
No.329466
329473 329476
>>329437
I don't think it's unreasonable for me to go to a place for writing advice and say "would it improve my story if I did x?". That's my goal here, to improve the story.
I will admit... I am completely new to writing propaganda. That's why I'm asking questions with people more familiar with propaganda.
I figured it would improve the "dont be degenerate" message if the cowardly lion hero went from a halfbreed prostitute who is sometimes molested and sometimes fucks strangers to a racially purified war hero whose dick is exclusively Twilight's.
If the hero never fucked at the story's start, he would sacrifice nothing by deciding to give up sluttiness and embrace marriage.
This sounds like something good for the story's message.
For the average brony, fucking Twilight Sparkle is the ultimate ideal. Even if you prefer some other personality or set of shapes and colours you can't deny Twilight is the top dog. Aside from Celly who regularly loses to foes Twilight beats and Luna who lost to Twilight and Celestia.
At the same time I was thinking... in real life you can't just get baptized in normal water to undo all your sins. Or rewrite your genes.
So maybe I should do a rewrite where the hero was pure pony all along and not a prostitute slut who sleeps with strangers.
Although I still want something awful to happen to that slutty bunny character at least once.
I can't decide if she should be a hero who accepts her body's limitations and finds ways to be useful anyway (Scout? Housewife? Courier? Farmer?) or a retarded slut who fucks strangers until one kills her. Maybe a tranny kills her for saying no to his mangled genitals or something.
Maybe I'll add two slutty bunny characters, one who accepts God and rejects slutiness and becomes a housewife, and one who rejects God and gets molested by niggers then killed or killed by a tranny, or raped and then killed, or killed and then raped, that sounds good for the message.
If an important character got raped and then the rapist got out of jail time because he snitched on a heroic drug dealer character who exclusively deals in illegal entirely-beneficial drugs like ivermectin, would that help the audience dislike the ruling class and cheer the heroes on for choosing violent justice over trusting the police?
Anonymous
94e0d6e
?
No.329473
3B5E90F70D752631BFA909BD0E99A1F5-17770.jpg
>>329466
tlrd why?
>would it improve my story if I did x?
The issue lies in two parts.
First, specific isolated examples that when changed could be technically superior to the previous version.
Second, everything has to be considered from multiple points of view.

The problem with part the first is that nothing is ever improved. That way just shifts and slides. There is no unity no unification of elements no grand building.
To improve one must break and then improve.

>If the hero never fucked at the story's start, he would sacrifice nothing by deciding to give up sluttiness and embrace marriage.
>prostitute who is sometimes molested and sometimes fucks
The sacrifice is the pay check. Addicted whore houses set up places of isolation to break all ties and support networks so that the drugged up whore has no choice but to exist and do as the owner demands. The other option for them is death or withdrawal or being bought out.
Participating in being chaste is a sacrifice.
Consider this example
Girl rides the cock carousel sometimes getting paid sometimes someone gets a free taste. Then when used, abused and meat long enough to substitute a roast beef sandwich she looks to _____ as the one true love.
One person denies that and one person accepts that. The thing is you have to account for the implied suggestions present especially for propoganda.
The How matters.
The difference between a great story and propaganda is execution. Usually the reasons start out different, but both linger well after. Propaganda fades and is spotted quickly and can be easily extinguished.
A great story exists regardless while having a bigger impact.

Second part. Audience sees fuck fucking being a bitch while getting pounded, suddenly gets top tier waifu pone.
Cunt bitching at the customer service guy while he bitches at the audience. Both are experienced.
The Why must be considered.

Below in green is all A B Testing that's after you have a fucking story and the fiddly bits. It's most of the post. Just like Fallout Equestria is unable to be fixed by simply changing the coat of colors on creatures. Same thing applies here. You need symbolism, metaphors, higher more abstract story structures. The Hero's journey, then breaking into the decent into the belly of the whale, then breaking further to the context, then to rough situation, then to scenes, then to moments, then to sentences and words.
In Fallput Equestria I said there is no story, there is no characters, there is just a place you put whatever make believe crap you want into it and that is what you get out. By changing the color of the shit insetion gloves minimally changes the whole experience.
Bringing forth great things requires creating and stress testing. Much of which can be done by thinking about it and trying to break it every way you can as it is, and then in the environment and then wigh everything else.
>I figured it would improve the "dont be degenerate" message if the cowardly lion hero went from a halfbreed prostitute who is sometimes molested and sometimes fucks strangers to a racially purified war hero whose dick is exclusively Twilight's.
If the hero never fucked at the story's start, he would sacrifice nothing by deciding to give up sluttiness and embrace marriage.
This sounds like something good for the story's message.
For the average brony, fucking Twilight Sparkle is the ultimate ideal. Even if you prefer some other personality or set of shapes and colours you can't deny Twilight is the top dog. Aside from Celly who regularly loses to foes Twilight beats and Luna who lost to Twilight and Celestia.
At the same time I was thinking... in real life you can't just get baptized in normal water to undo all your sins. Or rewrite your genes.
So maybe I should do a rewrite where the hero was pure pony all along and not a prostitute slut who sleeps with strangers.
Although I still want something awful to happen to that slutty bunny character at least once.
I can't decide if she should be a hero who accepts her body's limitations and finds ways to be useful anyway (Scout? Housewife? Courier? Farmer?) or a retarded slut who fucks strangers until one kills her. Maybe a tranny kills her for saying no to his mangled genitals or something.
Maybe I'll add two slutty bunny characters, one who accepts God and rejects slutiness and becomes a housewife, and one who rejects God and gets molested by niggers then killed or killed by a tranny, or raped and then killed, or killed and then raped, that sounds good for the message.
If an important character got raped and then the rapist got out of jail time because he snitched on a heroic drug dealer character who exclusively deals in illegal entirely-beneficial drugs like ivermectin, would that help the audience dislike the ruling class and cheer the heroes on for choosing violent justice over trusting the police?

Anonymous
94e0d6e
?
No.329476
329502
1566014441802.jpeg
>>329466
Reading the post more the post only contains A B Testing.
First part
>>I don't think it's unreasonable for me to go to a place for writing advice and say "would it improve my story if I did x?". That's my goal here, to improve the story.
I will admit... I am completely new to writing propaganda. That's why I'm asking questions with people more familiar with propaganda.

It's almost completely useless.
>"would it improve my story if I did x?"
Everything past that without the deeper meanings is useless.
Everything past that without the deeper meanings is useless.
Everything past that without the deeper meanings is useless.
Everything past that without the deeper meanings is useless!
It's Rainbow Dash telling Rarity to make the dress 20% cooler.
It's HatakeNaruto bell test dude saying 'look what is hidden behind the hidden' excerpt here there is nothing.
It's Hairy Potter Dumbledoer being a fag, which makes a shitty gaylord do nothing do nothing and makes everyone else work his shaft to get off!
It's Little Pip.
It's Gary Oak without the audience and main character.
Even if the deeper meaning is maximizing fun.
You want to maximize your propoganda message? What is it, and what would support it and be detrimental and why.
>>329471
I'd suggest citing sources, coloring the sections in colors to make the point. To hammer the point. To capture the point, dance on it, then laugh uproariously. We've all seen the posts nothing ever happens. Spregging continues regardless.
Actually just add horrs then all is well.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.329478
Reiterating, with emphasis.
If in what you're 'writing' you're having trouble deciding between how slutty you're going to be making the characters, and how fucking Twilight Sparkle is 'the protagonist's payoff', you're not writing anti-degerate 'propoganda'.

What you're writing is degenerate fap-fantasy.

You ARE the degenerate in this equation.
Anonymous.
2b6ec5b
?
No.329486
1551642357430-3 (1).jpg
>>329452
>>329455
That's pretty interesting actually, the ending of the end might not have been what we wanted but i think it's better for the trio to go down like that, rather than being absorved into whatever the show turned into
Anonymous
a2951f7
?
No.329502
329563
>>329471
Slandering me with inapplicable buzzwords again? I'd sooner respect a woman arguing with her holes.
>>329476
A while back I saw an American Krogan video about the anti-white propaganda in Bioshock Infinite.
And it got me thinking...
On the surface level this story is a "fun" little journey through a shooting gallery.
A nonsense excuse to shoot your way through a level Elizabeth could teleport you to the other end of at any time. She could teleport you to Paris, too. Forget the debt and the girl, his debt collectors would be unable to get him in an AU where those he owes money to died in car crashes or never met him. Nobody would notice a man who shows up one day in Paris and seems suspiciously similar to some random everyman in America who died in his youth. Nobody would even know what the adult version of that kid would look like. Or know the kid.
None of this surface-level story makes sense because it doesn't have to.
The surface level story is the distraction.
It's why the rules on universal travel/amnesia are broken for the sake of the ending twist.
It's why superpowers are sold in vending machines yet the Americans only ever fight you using guns without superpowers worth a damn.
The excuse for why the white man is called destined for evil and then drowned by his suicidal antiwhite daughter is unimportant.
What matters is that the story ends like this right after the old "Would you time travel to kill baby hitler?" chestnut.

Anyway

The real focus of Bioshock Infinite is the propaganda.
It lures people in with the fun "justified" violence against a cartoonishly evil flying christian ethnostate that abuses imported black convict workers and treats its white workers like shit.
Then it starts lying about Wounded Knee and the Boxers.

I was thinking...
When Hollywood pours money into making anti-white propaganda, they target as wide a net as possible.
They didn't go for some niche crossover.
Bioshock's a big name because it was the first video game the journalists of the era ever played with (gasp) choice.
Bioshock 3? No. They didn't call it 3, they called it Infinite because a number scares away those who never touched 1 or 2.

They target people who won't know better, and if they're not hiding behind the illusion of agenda-free apoliticality while enacting their antiwhite agenda they're using vague statements that signal what it's really about to those of their international clique.
When the Jew says he will "comment on America" or "American history" that means he will demonize whites and lie to do it.
People picked up Bioshock Infinite.
And whether they consciously absorbed the antiwhite propaganda or not, it was a shooter game.
It was possible to overlook the story and focus on the physical fun of pushing buttons and pulling triggers.
Bioshock Infinite was an immensely popular shooter game with amazing graphics for the time. Even if you muted the talking you could still enjoy the action.
Many people were paid to work together on this, getting everything as good as they could.
But I am just one guy.
Making... Fanfiction for a shooter game?
Bethesda Fallout fans don't read, and real Fallout fans are too busy making vids calling Bethesda's Fallout shit to have time to read.
Fanfiction for a shooter game is niche.
fanfiction for a pony fandom except all ponies that matter died failures responsible for the apocalypse, solely so OCs can kill each other 200 years later before eventually stumbling upon the world-healing cheat machine? Niche.
Fanfiction for a faggy reimagining of a shooter game masquerading as a crossover between shoot game and this pony fanfic? More niche.
Fanfiction for that fanfiction? Even more niche.
Fanfiction for that fanfiction on an incredibly pozzed site like Fimfiction? It couldn't get any nicher.
The people who'd read this... Either they're communists who already cheer on every jackboot they witness stomping on the futures and faces of whites, or they already hate niggers and they don't need me to write a B-plot about a libtard boomer whore getting raped to death to know niggers are shit.
I'm wasting my time pretending this story can go anywhere positive.
I think if I really wanted to write something legitimately pro-white and make a positive difference with it, I'd be better off abandoning Fallout and Ponies and Fallout+Ponies and just writing something original unrestrained by anything else.
But should I be open and honest about my desire to write a pro-white story?
Or should it be subtle?
What audience that doesn't already agree with me would be the most likely to understand what my story's saying and honestly think about it?
Bioshock Infinite wasn't subtle about its hatred for whites.
But Bioshock Infinite was subtle, if you didn't know what to look for.
Anonymous
46dc6a8
?
No.329543
329545 329552
>>329437
This is a lit post. It's true.
If you're wondering why I haven't participated in this conversation, which I usually do, it's because I just gave up on Nigel some time ago Specifically, I deflated after he posted that Irrelevant naruto post in the other thread. No, it wasn't relevant just because it was a GHD inspired fanfic. Just look at it.. But arguing with him on these things has never gotten me anywhere (as that Naruto post proves) and I don't wanna waste my time anymore.
>it virtually doesnt matter what the story is, it matters how you execute.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0tBWHy31w7U
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b9KOHChcHI0
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.329545
>>329543
Glad you liked it :fluttershy:
Ive given up dozens of times, other times I get drunk and go on a rant; it goes both ways

Anonymous
a2951f7
?
No.329552
329554 329562 329563 329564
>>329543
But everyone already knows how a story's ideas are executed decides whether the story is good or not.
I'm not just trying to write a story here. I'm trying to get my point across and it would hurt my point if Sparky did something bad like cheating on Twilight Sparkle with a hooker. Sure, excellent writing skills could make this an exciting arc full of emotions and drama that would have audience members clenching their seats harder than Kkat clenches members at gay orgies. But it would harm the audience's love for a hero they're supposed to like and agree with when he says "Griffons are shit". I want the audience to cheer Twilight and her husband on. And I don't even know if that's possible in a fandom where most people fantasize about Twilight marrying themselves or anybody except themselves.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.329554
329573
>>329552
>cant write a good story to save his soul, but will totally nail writing a good story while beating the audience over the head with 'the message'
And this is why you will always be shit; you're not here to entertain the audience, you're here to convince the audience. You ARE 'that asshole' who is more interested in lecturing the viewer than figuring out how to write a compelling narrative.
You write in bad faith. All your justifications and deflections, excuses and self-service only serve emphasize the fact. This is why your creative process is so shit; you really dont care whether the audience actually likes it, you've already made up your mind that they're 'supposed' to
>the audience's love for a hero they're supposed to like
(and consequently, anyone who doesnt is a hater who doesnt understand your greatness).
All the while, not even bothering to try to veil your narcissistic self-assurance that if people were 'smarter' they would 'naturally' fawn and celebrate your 'work' for 'enlightening' them to whatever 'propaganda' you're 'hiding' in the 'meaning' of the 'story'. Protip: all the indicated words are a deliberate misnomer, in context; I know how well you take subtlety, so I felt a need to clarify.
You wanna know how that comes across to a reader? It reeks of contempt. You have contempt for your audience, for not having already made you the celebrated author that you know in your bones you are. Thats why you make the most meager attempts to appear to improve, but dont; deep down, you dont feel you need to improve, you feel its the audience who needs to, so you'll go through the motions until THEY come around.
You feel entitled to dictate to people who you deem to be lesser than you, and its glaringly obvious.
Peen Stroke did that. Gaykat did that. At least they moved on, but not (you).
Good luck with that.
Anonymous
46dc6a8
?
No.329562
jhkhkh.jpg
>>329552
>I want the audience to cheer Twilight and her husband on.
>her husband
>And I don't even know if that's possible in a fandom where most people fantasize about Twilight marrying themselves or anybody except themselves.
Anonymous
94e0d6e
?
No.329563
1566018710749.png
>>329552
>it would hurt my point if Sparky did something bad like cheating on Twilight Sparkle with a hooker
It's how you do it and who is the butt monkey.
>it would harm the audience's love for a hero they're supposed to like
>agree with when he says "Griffons are shit".
Great characters are the connections and what they do with them and how and why and where.
In debate making the opposite side's argument the strongest it can be, then proving why the argument you support is superior to even that is a good tactic.
In stories it is show don't tell.
In arguments it is show don't monologue.
In memes it's show don't post long useless paragraphs.
>>329502
>Elizabeth could teleport you to the other end of at any time
Except they make it a plot point that no it's impossible for the glorified plot hole generator because an incestuous science pair want to havest more magic dust. Using science.
IE, they hold the leash and reigns and cage.
>Bioshock Infinite wasn't subtle about its hatred for whites.
>But Bioshock Infinite made it easy to ignore, if you didn't know what to look for.
Anonymous
46dc6a8
?
No.329564
Spoilered
>>329552
>I'm not just trying to write a story here.
Anonymous
9a91fd9
?
No.329567
329574 329577
>>329396
>This is a political horse fucker board
The politics is not mutually exclusive with horniness. We had this discussion 4 years ago.
Anonymous
a2951f7
?
No.329573
329574 329577
>>329554
But if I secretly hated and resented everybody why would I be here asking others how I can improve my story? Clearly I respect others besides myself. An egotistical fuck would just half-ass the story alone and then say "By the way if you don't like it form a line behind my dog and kiss his ass. and if you take the wrong lesson from it you're retarded".
Making propaganda is hard. That's why I don't want to fuck it up. If propaganda fails to convince the audience of the rightness of its message it has failed.

Remember that song "Keep your rifle by your side"?
It was from a Far Cry game that tried to demonize whites and Christians and the South and secessionist movements by depicting an insular christian mostly-white ethnostate as an evil clusterfuck full of drugs and deadly gun-toting whites and possibly-magic cult leaders, opposed by local southerners who fear the "different" and "religious" cultists.
"hey its not anti white because the whites are the bad guys and that isn't anti white because the christians um *chokes on dog cum* have more in common with non christians therefore I'm not an enemy-supporting jewed pozzed faggot for supporting EA" - a jewed enemy-supporting pozzed faggot who supported EA and feels guilty about it.
Anyway this game was clearly intended to be political antiwhite antichristian propaganda. Even if there are SJWs mad that when they play as a fedboy the white christians they are encouraged to genocide aren't also trump supporters in MAGA hats, the facts are obvious.
The makers of this game accidentally made the singers right.

Remember Watchmen?
After reading this story you'd never guess the hero intended Rorsharch to be a parody of right-wingers.
Well making the libtard vegan "smartest man alive" agree with the author on the necessity of purges for the public's best interests was a good hint.
But the author thought simply depicting how he sees the right-wing superhero fantasy would make the audience hate him.
All the cool stuff he said about looking into the abyss and choosing to be a hero anyway and rejecting nihilism? The author wanted you to hate it and him, even though it inspired heroism from others.

Then there's Fallout.
Fallout's America is property of the US Military which is property of globalist billionaires in bed with the government. But the authors are afraid to call out globalism and the jew so they instead blame it all on "Americanism" aka white americans and their culture of cheeseburgers, apple pie, civic nationalism, and whatever freedom means this week. They don't know how to make The Enclave villains without making them cackling smug supervillains with Bond Villain doomsday plans and gunning innocents down for fun as their hobby. They don't have intelligent critiques of American culture. The best they can manage is mocking those old PSAs and the 60s. When a Liberal says the Enclave is "fascist", they mean it is their fantasy depiction of one: cartoonish supervillains who go mwahaha. That's all the Enclave amounted to, and that's why Caesar's Legion is a more interesting villainous faction even though it was supposed to villify Rome and spit on Romeaboos by depicting Rome as a barbarian horde in love with dishonourable tactics and slavery.
Why do you think there are fans of Fallout who love Caesar's Legion and The Enclave even though the authors hate them?
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.329574
329706
>>329573
>if I secretly hated
Its not a secret, its plain to see. If you didnt hate your audience you would make a concerted effort, rather than typing out a fap-fantasy that you then label as anti-degenerate propaganda.
>>329567
Theres nothing wrong with porn , literary or otherwise but theres alot wrong, see sentance 2 above.
Anonymous
94e0d6e
?
No.329577
>>329573
>If I hated everybody
>Hates the audience
Watchmen had tons of effort to accurately and truthfully portray that image. The creator thought that truth was horrible. The creator's interpretation was fucking wrong about the intended effect on the readers.
>If propaganda fails to convince the audience of the rightness of its message it has failed.
Are you shoeing and telling untrue things? If so you need the whole indoctrination system and more.
If you tell and show truth in action it doesn't matter if they agree with it or not. They will look outside and wonder why the hell an internet story is predicting shit that is going on.

To be fair you are writing to people who love Fallout Equestria, I greatly dislike that story and can sympathize with the frustration of imagining to write to brainlettes.
Here's the thing Ender's Game said a funny thing, you have to love them and understand them as they love and understand themselves. That is how you completely destroy them. (IE do anything)
In this case the mental framework they exhibit to resonate with the Fagout Equestria 'characters'.
I dislike the evil that has taken root and usurped otherwise okay people.

The goals are demanding and rigoursous than a regular story.
The story, theme, world, style, characters, symbolism, connections, audience interpretation, everything has to be compelling.
Not only that it has to keep their attention.
Even harder is to make them think the idea they just had is actually their own thought.
>((())) propaganda
Is based on smearing credibility by diminishing the person and group. Everything (((they))) have is based on lies, big lies and small lies. The insidious lies are ones that misuse truth that makes the truth incorrect, when otherwise would be correct.
>>329567
Political horniness is just another choice you choice. Always, that's what politics boils down to is what do you choose.
Be a hedonist, just don't make it my problem. Except people rolled over and got raped by ((())) for being too kind and generous and honest and loyal. Eventually using the other points to attack.
Let's say a large project starts.
The issue is that longer term projects have that evil echo to intrude upon domains to maximize bring about cold alien bug like thinking. Mandated bloat caused (((overtime))) that eats away health and time and effort is evil. The invasion to prevent jokes, memes, funny things and talking about it is evil.
By respecting the boundaries (((they))) keep abusing without being prepared means death.
Anime hentai fanservice fags got the memo, everything they like is being killed. Only way the things they like to survive is to make their own. They are bunkering down and ready to blast outsiders who seek to subvert and destroy.
They get gate keeping as a means to turn away the common (((pawn-like foot soldiers))). They have something they believe in and are going to keep, improve, grow and maintain it.
It's not the horniness that ends societies it's (((evil))) that does. The quick violent bursts and the creeping crawling unseen touches.
They use every attribute humanity possesses to try to manipulate, corrode and corrupt.
That includes horniness and political shenanagains.
I am saying if someone wants to live their life how they want to live it that isn't fucking (((evil))) they should. That said there are big over reaching issues across the human experience that must be addressed.
Anonymous
94e0d6e
?
No.329582
>>329579
>But leftists don't even love themselves.
That's correct. The question is how do you break them. That means fully completely understanding them that you could imitate without fail if need be.

>But now I want to write something pro-white more than I want to tell a good story.
You MUST tell a Good Story First and foremost.
>a faggot who wanted people to like my self-insert more than I wanted to tell a good story.
Same problem, the story comes first.
Unless you are suggesting being prowhite doesn't make for a good story, in which case you're wrong go fuck yourself.
I don't think you are suggesting that it's simple if hard.
You must write a good story. Just copying (((shlock))) and (((tropes))) for the sake of having it in there is retarded. It's not having long ass word counts that never go anywhere, I've read quite a few pretentious fuck wit stories. Sometimes they do the job, but the joy is extinguished. By the same token half baked sentence or two without anything solid sucks.

The thing is you must put the story first and the story and being pro-white is one and the same. In stories awful thing can occur to characters, but that isn't the whole point. The Whole Point is the Whole Point.
Anonymous
a2951f7
?
No.329658
329659
>>329652
How would you write the story, then?
Anonymous
69aeacd
?
No.329659
329685
>>329658
Wrong fucking question
Why is this story worth writing?
THATS the right question.
Anonymous
69aeacd
?
No.329660
329685
Lets get into the meta of writing.
Who are you writing for? Males and/or females? What age group? What are the stories that appeal to them as an audience?
Anonymous
a2951f7
?
No.329685
329701
>>329659
>>329660
I'd love to say my story is for mature males, but it's a pony fanfic so that would be dishonest. Plus it's not only a crossover of Fallout and Ponies, excluding any potential fans who love one but not the other, it's a counterargument to Fallout Equestria, and that's something even more niche than fanservice-ridden prolefeed written specifically to appeal to Fallout Equestria fans would already be on its own.
When it comes to marketing I think this story will only get any kind of attention if it pisses the right people off. We all know how bad bronies are at judging writing by its quality.
Anonymous
a2951f7
?
No.329686
329695 329701
>>329652
>"I haven't even read his story yet but I'm sure it's shit"
bruh
Anonymous
11bff0c
?
No.329695
1569952689441.png
>>329686
Well, I guess I was a bit unclear with how I view things. That video that I posted above about execution fits well with my own ideas for storytelling, or rather it's basically the same. I don't need to read your whole story to know that the way the story is executed will continue like that regardless of what path the narrative takes.

That's why I'm sure it sucks because, you know, that first scene sucked. A filly is chased by cardboard cutouts for villains and then Sparky saves her. The duo starts quip about meta commentary.
It really doesn't matter if this is a setup for, "It was just a dream" or whatever. Nothing of this shit is really endearing to me. You frontload you fic with why you wrote the story in the first place, your hatred for F:E. If you're going to write a superior F:E story, then do so in the first place.

But seriously, can you even tell me that you don't have moments in your story where Sparky starts talking about Yugioh cards or some other external reference out of nowhere. Or don't have scenes were characters talk in textblocks to one another?

Just the things you have mention so far in his thread makes me confused about the tone of this fic. You bring up seemingly arbitary ideas for scenes that I don't see how they remotely mesh up.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.329701
329708
>>329685
So, you're writing for horsefuckers. But what percentage of the horsefucker community reads fanfics? 5% maybe? Id guess less than that, but we'll run with it.
So, your audience is adult (if you're writing for underages, Ill find you and kill you myself) horsefuckers who still read fanfics in current year.
Oh, but you wanna get propagandist with it too. You know how small the subset of adult horsefuckers who are okay mixing ponies and politics is?
Ill give you a hint.
>where do you think you are?
But wait, what percentage of mlpol reads fanfiction?
Moreover, what percentage of mlpol reads fanfiction AND has a sufficiently undeveloped political awareness that your basic-ass story would serve as 'propoganda' for?
The answer? 0%
Stop it, get some help.
>>329686
Everything you have written and posted has been WORSE THAN FOE; across the board. You heard me. You're worse than Kkat. Let that sink in.
Anonymous
472f921
?
No.329706
329710
>>329574
>If you didnt hate your audience you would make a concerted effort, rather than typing out a fap-fantasy that you then label as anti-degenerate propaganda.
This is just nonsense. You're saying that the amount of effort (or lack thereof) he devotes to a piece of work that you happen to dislike somehow implies that he "hates the audience"? That makes no sense at all.
People write these things for fun. It's a hobby. Do you treat every low-effort greentext poster on /mlp/ with the sme sentiment?
Anonymous
472f921
?
No.329707
329709 329710
>>329650
This is really getting off-topic... I came here to touch up on fanfic writing and see what other users had to offer, no bear witness to a 4-5 year old pissing contest.
34 posts from this IP and all you've done is complain about other users. You keep citing ambiguous things about his attitude or his arguments, but you hardy ever say anythig about what he could do to improve other than to stop writing/posting at all.
Why are you even in this thread? Do you have your own fanfics, or are you just here to fling shit?
Anonymous
472f921
?
No.329708
329710
>>329701
Does he really need a reason to want to write political pony fanfaction on this board? Just because the audiece it small oesn't mean he shouldn't write. If the product is bad, just don't read it.
Anonymous
11bff0c
?
No.329709
329711 329712
>>329707
I suppose that's fair but also not really. Look at Nigel's posts in this thread and as well in the GG threads. Where are you in those threads telling him to stop his derailing, huh?

The truth is that this >>329625
where he taliking about how his fic is trying to acomplish too much is a prime example of how little he actually learns. This was established years ago. This is obviously not news. And it's not like he will actually write a story or trash his current one due to this revelation.

The problem isn't that his writing sucks either. I think I can talk for Ninjas when it comes to this and say that he and I are both just annoyed by Nigel's way of handling criticism, specifically not listening. Like for example, I can't fucking believe that I told him not to post irrelevant shit in the GG thread and then he went ahead and posted his Naruto post, which I again will point out was not fucking relevant to that thread. I actually thought that we'd come to some understanding but that's not the case.
Endlessly, just posting about what the fuck ever in what ever thread.

What really gets to me is when I goes onto deflect or gashlights, like the example above with the "Y you mad" dialogue chain. What are you sugguesting happened there if not deflection? This sort of shit pisses me off.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.329710
329719
14-142665_crying-pepe-png-pepe-cry-png.png
>>329706
>>329707
>>329708
Forgive him lord, he knows not what it do. My contributions to the thread is the negativity I apply to ideas and strategies that are not actionable. On the one hand it satisfies an overlooked responsibility of observable posters, on the other hand it forces me to apply the same critical analysis to my own creative projects (DND GM) and ensure Im not doing likewise. Negativ8ty is an efficient, versitile, and comprehensive mindset to cut through the bullshit.
In any case, the primary benefit is that I represent someone who has versed themselves in him specifically through/alongside his work and has a diametrically opposed position when qualifying this work; if we're to help work on his writing ITT, we gotta cut out the cancer (the incongruous mindset). In this case it will be at interval, and I apologize for the hijacking of the thread.
Anonymous
11bff0c
?
No.329711
329712
>>329709
>I goes onto deflect or gashlights
He goes onto deflect-
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.329712
>>329709
>>329711
Checked, Sven got 9 and 11, so it was an inside job. But he's also not wrong
Anonymous
472f921
?
No.329713
329760 329897
Why do these threads which should ideally be a fun place to contructively critique and encourage content creators have to devolve into ancient drama? You don't even get this bullshit on /mlp/; this is derpibooru/reddit tier bullshittery, since a quarer of this board seems to have forgotten the ettiqute that comes with anonmitity.
Years ago, I had hoped that the tendency to constantly complain about everything like an autist an discourage other posters without personally making and significant contribtions to content creation could have been a thing we would have left behind on 4chan, but no, I guess that's just a fate that all chansites have to endure. I just wished we could have brought the content-cration, lack of personal drama and the anonimity with us.
Anonymous
472f921
?
No.329719
329724
>>329710
>it forces me to apply the same critical analysis to my own creative projects (DND GM) and ensure Im not doing likewise.
Changing the subject, I'm curious about this from a writefag/gamer perspective. How have you applied these ideas in wrting your games? I'd like to see what methods you use for that.
In my experience, writing games and writing fanfiction are pretty different, although it's been quite a while since I've actually produced any fanfiction...
Anonymous
11bff0c
?
No.329723
>>329721
>I also partly feel that it was necessary since he doesn't seem to listen to anything else.
As in, no diplomacy but bluntness and harshness. Or rather that I thought he might react to that more.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.329724
329725
>>329719
Well for example, a good segment involved the Bogdanoff twins as recurring villains. However, my audience was NOT-/pol/-or-/biz/tarded, so I had to build up the idea of them through encounters that were consistent with the meme; just when everything was aligning and the party neared success, the Bogs would 'doomp eet' and change the game entirely. Rather than saying "Hey look, its the Bogs in the story! Isnt that cool?" (to paraphrasically quote Nigel), i stead I described two denizens of a foul place, golden bronze skin with blue stars for eyes, and beyone-human facial structure. They stood motionless, only their eyes moved. First about the room, then across the party. And then one raized his hand, a slight buzzing noise breaking thr anxious silence. The one who moved spoke two syllables, in an unidentifiable variation of a long forgotten language, which also evolved into the common dialect.
And then fire did rain down. Roll a saving throw.
Anonymous
472f921
?
No.329725
329733
>>329721
>It's a waste of my time anyway since I have given up on the idea that he'll change.
This was my main point, tbh. The effort you spend engaging him is better spent elsewhere. Engaging shitposters doesn't mitgate shitposting; it just multiplies the amount f shitposting in the thread.
>>329724
>However, my audience was NOT-/pol/-or-/biz/tarded
>so I had to build up the idea of them through encounters that were consistent with the meme
>Rather than saying "Hey look, its the Bogs in the story! Isnt that cool?" (to paraphrasically quote Nigel), i stead I described two denizens of a foul place, golden bronze skin with blue stars for eyes, and beyone-human facial structure.
Well, this does indeed go along the same points you had earlier about knowing your audience, tbh. Was it necesarily worth it to spend that time 'educating' the party about the memes just so you could make /biz/ puns to them though? If the party still doesn't get the reference, I'm not sure how including the reference necessarily contributes to their enjoyment, although the villains do seem interesting.
In my limited DMing experience, I'm a bit wary incorporating too many internet memes/puns unless I know the party very well, because if I spend time on a joke the party doesn't get I've effectively wasted their time or broken their immersion, and that's the last thing I want to do. I'm not so much as anxious about the party not appreciating a story element (any GM feels satisfaction of having two unopened secret doors at in a dungeon), so much as I am with annoing them with a stupid reference that only I enjoyed.
Anonymous
c046eb1
?
No.329733
329744
>>329725
The Bogdanoff meme was the archetype off which I based the villains' actions and appearance, so while the players may not have gotten that part of the joke in the moment, it made it easier for me to depict overall so yes, the players did benefit. I was far more fixated on showing and not telling, as well as not letting 'who they were' affect how I presented them to the players
Anonymous
472f921
?
No.329744
>>329733
Another issue with incorporating memes into literature, especially those that revolve around real people, is that it risks putting an expiration date on your work when the perception of that meme/person inevitably changes.
An example of meme-literature I can think of is Yurope: Barrack's Apocalypse, in which Bill Cosby makes an appearance in the book and yells at the nigger protagonist at his murder trial "Do you have any idea how hard I've been trying to get white people to like us?!" the author did a youtube reading of it in 2016, and in that scene he had to pause and mention that he'd written it in 2014. He probabluy expected that his 'book' composed entirely of distilled memes would have some stale ones when he wrote it, but even then he went and mentioned Bill Cosby.

One of the Bogs recently died, revealing that the twins are not immortal irl. If your players absorbed the meme at all, they won't let you forget it, and lo and behold you might suddenly feel pressured to incorporate current events into your metaplot.
Anonymous.
2b6ec5b
?
No.329748
329760 329761
gg.png
>>329746
Yeah, yeah, just let it go and read my trashfic for once>>329330
Anonymous
94e0d6e
?
No.329760
Found scribble pad too much junk per word cappita.
>>329748
Sure thing.
Well I showed me how much a spike of motivation was worth, just an hour of typing with on off down time. Feels a waste to just delete it all... >>329713
Anonymity and stabbing ideas and plans till it's bloodied and the wounds filled with truth.
The reason why there isn't more fun is due to the lack of the pony inquisition. More accurately it's the reception and reposté of such topics.
The problem of consistently newfag redditors flooding /pol/ alongside bots is the opposite problem here. There few things stick among the multitudes of garbage, trash, shitposts and astrotruff.
Standing water is where disease festers, but it is also the place where new beginings can grow. Also not extremity the problem at hand.
That's not what is going on here. What is going on here is a blood bath to purge imperfections. It's a kind slowly growing boil to minimize wide spread damage, but still the temperature grows to meet the corrosive problem at hand.
It is a flame that burns, often and soon is least painful and even invigorating.
If the fatal flaw here remains it will grow and fester out there. I think it's a life and death situation that grows in gravity. Not just simply writing a shitpost fanfic of a fanfic, but to put thoughts and ideas and meaning into existence to ensure you have the ability to live your life and safegaurd it.
This is a forge of heat and beatings and quenching. To make, adjust, become well armed and take your birthright to be a hero through these flames.
<Overly exaggerating about shitty bants much?
I don't think so. I could be wrong, but that's what I think.
You can shape multitudes of 'lion skins' but the goal is to have the one that is you that is immune to corruption. The tested and perfected personality that is you and that you would wear proudly forever.
>Fun
This is a fun place. For me it's hard to arouse my passions in much of anything as I currently am. Light hearted joyous bants and shitposts do occur and often. The heavy beats of the drums that call to put my arms. It use calls a primal final bastion motivated action to answer in hopes that it will always be useful regardless.
>Constantly complain
Because it's the same issue repeated time and time again. Other posts from the same person that doesn't harbor that issue are there just floating. Because it continues onwards regardless.

Anonymous
94e0d6e
?
No.329761
329762 332573
>>329748
>>329330
The core of the story of war is interesting. No hooves can be ignored for the most part...
Too many breaks, too many commas, too many ellipses. Unless they have a purpose I'm not comprehending which is very likely.
That's mostly stylistic nit picking. Other thing is instead of
Name: Talking
Which works for screen plays and other similar uses. Using says, exclaimed, yelled, whispered, spoke, ect. in a sentence to denote who is speaking and how they do it would be something to consider.
Generally an enjoyable read. The sequence of events is spot on I think.
Breaking up the large chunks into seperate single sentence paragraph structure to denote the fast pace instead is my personal preference.
Spoilers spoil I think I need to double check the part where the lightning pegasus found the dying changling to get the full significance. Bit confused about the Aurora thing, and accusing them of potentially being changlings. That's most likely me being a dumb right now.

As a stand alone work without the audience in question being aware of MLP:FiM the plot would still work.
I'd argue the effectiveness would increase as you could spin it into your own original content.
Anonymous.
cb9a101
?
No.329762
329978
>>329761
Wow, thanks a lot anon!

I do need to work with the way I structure it, I think it's pretty messy.
>Breaking up the large chunks into seperate single sentence paragraph structure to denote the fast pace instead is my personal preference.
Thanks for the advice, I think I get it, but could you provide an example?

>Too many breaks, too many commas, too many ellipses. Unless they have a purpose I'm not comprehending which is very likely.
Well, I...I think I was just being autistic, i wanted to force the reader to take longer to get to the line where "the bomb goes off", to preserve suspense, it's just dumb really.

Well, the rest is pretty clear to me, can't wait for Sven's take.
I'll try to be here the earliest I can tomorrow, night poners!
Lotus
## Admin
0000000
?
No.329889
329967
481399__safe_solo_image+macro_reaction+image_braeburn_spoiler-colon-s04e02_princess+twilight+sparkle+-dash-+part+2_twilight+scepter_over+a+barrel_bad+pony.png
>>329873
Nigel, I don't read your posts, but when I skim them, there are too often a huge percentage of "I" "Me" "My" and "You"s. This is not a forum for personal discussion. If you feel the need to ever, ever use the first person pronoun while posting on this site, you need to seriously evaluate first why you are posting what you are posting, and whether it has any business on this site, because the answer to the latter is almost always "no."

>>329886
I have no idea where you have heard what you think you know about me, but I have no memory of you on this site before a few months ago. Anyways, calm down. You are going to give yourself a heart attack.
Lotus
## Admin
0000000
?
No.329897
329967 329970
370484__explicit_4chan_barely+pony+related_futurama_greentext_-fwslash-mlp-fwslash-_scruffy_start+of+darkness_the+scruffening.png
A number of posts involving personal drama made over the past week have been deleted from this thread. The reasoning for this is best captured in this post by an anon >>329713

I understand that a few of you put a decent amount of effort into some of these posts, but the drama had been ongoing for a week with no stop, so they clearly did not have the effect intended.

Nigel, you need to stop making so many "I, Me" posts. They have no place on an anonymous forum. Everyone else, I understand that there is a reason you are upset at Nigel, but it is blatantly obvious that typing the phrases "narcissist," "gaslighting," "jewcuckgoy," and "britmutt" have entirely failed to dissuade him of this behavior. If discussion about the approach to handling him is necessary, do so on the /qa/ board, and calm down.
Anonymous
e7ab86a
?
No.329967
329977
>>329889
>>329897
Contested
Vociferously
And with prejudice

>Nigel, I don't read your posts
Yes, thats been shown to be among a handful of unaddressed problems
>"I" "Me" "My" and "You"s
Almost like someone has been given carte blanche by a group who is literally tasked with maintaining the site, including quality control.
>I have no memory
Par for the course
>>329897
>everything deleted was drama
Bull
Shit
>Good effort, all that exacting analysis and effort, but no cuz drama. You had a point? No cuz drama. Something salient to contribute? No cuz drama.
Nigel should be able to post like a reasonable person after almost 5 years in which his failings have been sufficiently documented and he has no excuse? No cuz drama.
We cant be discrimiating against people for not knowing and learning chan culture right?
Cuz otherwise we'd have to ask why a non-chan poster ended up as an admin.
Wouldnt we, Lotus?

The one hand washes the other.
Anonymous
deba27c
?
No.329970
329974 329984
>>329897
>I understand that a few of you put a decent amount of effort into some of these posts, but the drama had been ongoing for a week with no stop, so they clearly did not have the effect intended.
>If discussion about the approach to handling him is necessary, do so on the /qa/ board, and calm down.
>is necessary
I suppose you are right that it doesn't solve anything by posting these posts here. It only derails the threads purpose that I can get, however, moving the discussion of these issues to /qa/, I don't think will work. First off I don't think it will happened. Most of us has already said what we want to have said if mods still don't find our position to be compelling enough we might as well bring it to /sp/ because it will only be a, as Nigel would put it, Nigel hate club.

I also don't agree with your assessment that we just used unsupported labels either. I, at least, only used one of those words, "gashlighting" and that was once and that once was with me linking to a post along with an explanation for why that was proof of this. I usually try to support why I think things with an explanation and also try to withhold insults in my posts.

I don't my mind that much that you removed them, it's been stated over and over again what Nigel does bad, but I felt that I really proved my points in those last posts and felt that like it was almost black and white clear that the major points of us detractors had been saying was true just by the last exchanges between me and Nigel. Oh, well. I guess it really wouldn't have changed things anyway. In the end, who do I imagine would change?

My real question is if you will start to delete his irrelevant posts in the future or something. I don't think this is something that can be fixed without mod intervention.
Anonymous
e7ab86a
?
No.329974
329975 329977 329984
>>329970
> if you will start to delete his irrelevant posts in the future or something
Fat chance of that. Thats literally what I was black-balled for.
Staff has 0 interest of addrssing the Nigel issue or else theyd have done so years ago when I raised the issue years ago
>deleted posts
I bet u fags thought I threw that out there arbitrarily . I hope woulk take it as credible the NEXT time I post prt of the Nigel cycle.
Lotusposting does what lotusposting does; acknwoledges the problem and does fuck-all to address it.
He IS consistent, no discredit.
Anonymous
e7ab86a
?
No.329975
>>329974
Just a quick tl;dr
Mods are not your friends.
Mods want what THEY want.
Oh, and fuck u if you want something different
(not 'ban'-fu, but drfinitely a "nah, fuck you" fu)
Cuz they know better n sheeit, havent u heard?
Anonymous
deba27c
?
No.329977
>>329974
While I have things to say, I want to wait for Lotus to respond. I don't want my big post above to be removed for being about Nigel in this thread.
I'll say some small things though.
>>329967
<Nigel, I don't read your posts
>Yes, thats been shown to be among a handful of unaddressed problems
You should really take your time to read some of his posts Lotus, then you'll see what we have been talking about is correct.
I'd like to add that I don't think that most people read his posts. His writing is so meandering and, often times, self-absorbed (Even when I agree with him on these self-absorbed occasions, I find myself almost not wanting to weirdly enough) that along with how they often seem to no have relevance to the thread makes them into white noise.

>Nigel should be able to post like a reasonable person after almost 5 years in which his failings have been sufficiently documented and he has no excuse?
This is very concise. Are we gonna continue for a few more years with this? Are we the ones that should stop? Becuase the cycle is that, he starts it, we finish it but if we don't who will?
Anonymous
deba27c
?
No.329978
329989 330001 332573
>>329762
>>329762
>Well, I...I think I was just being autistic, i wanted to force the reader to take longer to get to the line where "the bomb goes off", to preserve suspense, it's just dumb really.

No, that's exactly what you use breaks in your text for. It was a good idea, thought you might have over done it.

A golden rule for you is to not implement ideas before consideration, don't just trust someone elses wisedom to be correct because they seem to like an authority on the subject to you. I did that once with an advice for writing. I blindly followed an advice until later I realized that it was a stupid advice.

>"They're coming from the east! I repeat! They're coming from the east!"

I'm gonna spend most of my time on this qoute alone. If you want someone to go through your story and give you advice for the overall structure, you need to find another person to be your critic.

Functionality and logic in stories
I think the approach should always be to create something imaginative and the restrain it, instead of focusing on logic first and foremost. So I don't mind what is happening here but I don't like the logic. It's not convincing enough.

Let me type you another post as an example on how I would have done instead and then illustrate what I think you do well and what I'd think would improve your story by comparing my example with yours.
Anonymous
deba27c
?
No.329982
329984
What's up with this dumb selective removal of posts? Why remove the y-y exchange? It clearly proved us detractors right. You haven't removed all post involving this incident but you remove the ones that prove us right?
Lotus
## Admin
0000000
?
No.329984
329985 329987 329990 330195 330726
4107507-maud_blank_stare_s4e18.png
>>329974
Ninjas, you were "blackballed" by Pupper and Pupper alone for being a complete fucking asshole who would bite the head off of anyone who spoke in staff chat, including when they tried to help you. I tried to get you and Pupper to reconcile and I think because of that you think I was a part of some grand conspiracy against you. I had to talk Pupper down in DMs from doing more against you multiple times. But because I tried to help you, I'm your arch nemeses now I guess. Elway shit-talked you and said things to us, but you hold him up as a saint and me as a villain, even as I did more to try to help you behind the scenes than he did. The reason everyone on staff does not like you is because you are rude and vicious to everyone. We agreed with you if anything that something should be done about Nigel, you just refused to be a team player.

You are as bad as Nigel on occasions. Not on the whole, but sometimes. And you lack the self awareness to recognize that.

>>329970
I want to be very clear to you Sven. I am not claiming your posts did not have a point. I am simply pointing out to you the very obvious fact that your posts failed to persuade Nigel, and failed to have the intended effect.

>My real question is if you will start to delete his irrelevant posts in the future or something
Yes.

>I don't think this is something that can be fixed without mod intervention.
Yes.

>>329982
I tried to remove off topic posts as best as I could because they were off topic. Did I get all of them, especially the ones more than a week old? Probably not.
Anonymous
deba27c
?
No.329985
>>329984
<My real question is if you will start to delete his irrelevant posts in the future or something
>Yes.
Nice.
> I am simply pointing out to you the very obvious fact that your posts failed to persuade Nigel, and failed to have the intended effect.
>I tried to remove off topic posts as best as I could because they were off topic. Did I get all of them, especially the ones more than a week old? Probably not.
Fair enough.
Anonymous
deba27c
?
No.329986
I don't even know why I do this anymore. I guess, it's something like, because I am right, I have to.
I will try to stop caring about this. I say "try" because I said I wouldn't involve myself tbefore this time as well but still ended up here, wasting my time.
Anonymous.
2b6ec5b
?
No.329987
329988 329992 330726
Screenshot_2022-01-02-10-52-18-1.png
>>329984
>Ninjas, you were "blackballed" by Pupper and Pupper alone for being a complete fucking asshole who would bite the head off of anyone who spoke in staff chat.

Meanwhile
>Previously in poner Sitcom
>Pic related

Jokes aside, i think that this, along with Atlas/Pupper drama woundn't have been as bad if staff had been a little bit more open about it, it just comes off as suspicious when it inevitably comes up anyways.
Anonymous
deba27c
?
No.329988
329992
>>329987
Yeah, I just thought about that myself just a second before you posted it. Then again, he did have qoutation marks around the word.

>Jokes aside, i think that this, along with Atlas/Pupper drama woundn't have been as bad if staff had been a little bit more open about it, it just comes off as suspicious when it inevitably comes up anyways.
I think this is this. But I'll stay away from this debate because I know nothing and I mean nothing.
Anonymous.
2b6ec5b
?
No.329989
330001
>>329978
>Let me type you another post as an example on how I would have done instead and then illustrate what I think you do well and what I'd think would improve your story by comparing my example with yours.

Whenever you want Sven, thanks for posting.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.329990
330726
>>329984
>blackballed by Pupper and Pupper alone
Yes, and I was very clear. He felt entitled to issue orders, and I made very clear from day one that if you try to order me around you're getting nothing but non-compliance. The fact that you were abusing users when I took the actions that resulted in Pupper attempting to order me was icing on the cake
>But because I tried to help you, I'm your arch nemeses now I guess
Oh poor Lotus, it must be hard issuing an olive brach while giving users non-contact orders. Were you 'helping' me when you told everyone within reach they weren't allowed to play my game, or host their artwork where they wanted?
>you hold him up as a saint and me as a villain
Get fucked, you and Elway both! The truth is I havent lost all respect for Elway, and if I met him in person I wouldnt physically assault him. Thats far and away from 'holding him as a saint'.
>you are rude and vicious to everyone
No, just to faggots who dont do their job. Thats the job of an admin, to motivate everyonr ELSE to NOT be lazy faggots, especially ones who sit on the Internet all day.
Look at the policy! How much bitching did THAT take versus how much effort went into editing it?
Tl;dr
>suddenly and for no reason whatsoever Ninjas started being an asshole
is NOT how it went down

Lotus But Not Logged In
28f1baf
?
No.329992
09C6D239-F8B1-4796-A216-31CC2B6141EA.jpeg
>>329987
>>329988
Ninjas was “”””blackballed”””” by Pupperwoff and he did quit. There is no contradiction.

The “blackballing” that Ninjas speaks to refers to an argument in January of last year wherein Pupperwoff unilaterally declared that Ninjas was no longer an admin. I’ll post screenshots of what provoked Pupper to do this when I get back to my laptop, but it was Pupper’s move entirely.

“Admin” on mlpol is just a word. It had absolutely no bearing whatsoever what powers Ninjas’ staff account had. We didn’t have defined powers and rolls, and everyone could just speak normally. Pupperwoff didn’t do anything at all by saying “Ninjas is no longer admin” because nothing actually changed except in Ninjas perception.

Ninjas quit withdrew from the staff server and all mlpol related servers without notice or comment on a date I do not know but between February 28 and March 1st of last year. When I noticed on March 1st, his account was locked. A day or so later he sent Elway a message saying he quit.
Anonymous
472f921
?
No.329993
329997
I'm low-key fixing to make another write thread just to cut off this autism. If this off-topic bullshit is going to go on for 400 more posts, I'd rather let the thread slide.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.329997
>>329993
Apologies. Taking this to Test
Anonymous
deba27c
?
No.330001
330005 332573
>>329978
>>329989
Yeah, so I ended up writing a bunch of explanation for why I thin certain things but got so big so I cut it.

Anyway, let's do this again and this time do what I set out to do.

>Story time.
>He smashes the safety glass in a spider-like pattern and the sirens blare inside halls, base adjecent fields, and bunkers.
>He sweeps up the microphone on the dashboard and holds it next to his lips.
>The fingers of his other hand hovers over a matrix of small metal levers and then flicks one of them on.
>As fast as the tiny lamp next to the lever lits green, the man begins to speak.
"This is Specialist Lookout Thaumat of the G27 Sun tower. Incomming throng of changelings, east-east-south. Size: Silver to lead cloud. Has reach damm G55. What are your orders, sir?"
>A gruff voice replys back in the man's earphones.
>"Exact coordinates?"

So this qoute:
>"They're coming from the east! I repeat! They're coming from the east!"
Is a proper hook and while one of my pet peeve is that importance of hooks is overhyped these days For reasons I won't go into here because that's what I cut out last time., I still respect a proper hook.

It's dialogue and set in mid-action, which is by the book when it comes to hooks. It also makes us ask questions like, "What is going on?" and so on. There is actualy a "however" here but won't bring it up now, as I said.

This is good. However, the question becomes, "Who says this line?"As in, not there name but where voice comes from. Who hears it?You think this is some sort of base then thousends of soilders are running across a uneven field. Why is it being said? Which sounds like a dumb question but it actually isn't because with context I wonder this more.Like, the war or slaughter seems to have already started as he speaks so why even bother informing anyone of something like this? Why does the speaker inform us of something vague like, they're comming from the this cardinal direction? Is everyone around always aware which direction that is?

Look, answering these questions isn't like the most important thing either. The point I'm trying to make is that while the opening does things right, it also could use some polish.

I also want to add that I might misunderstand so please correct me if I make any mistakes.

Will try to continue this. Kick me if I don't because I have more to say.
Anonymous.
2b6ec5b
?
No.330005
330007
descarga.jpeg
>>330001
Yeah...i can see the issue there now.

Pretty good anon, i would be glad if you review the whole thing too, pretty sure there's a lot like it.
Anonymous
deba27c
?
No.330007
330008 330010 332573
1864424.png
>>330005
>Yeah...i can see the issue there now.
Hmm, sorry to do this but this makes me a bit unsure. I don't want to lead you wrong. Can you specify what you see as issues now?
>How many cute Aryannes do you have?
Anonymous
deba27c
?
No.330008
>>330007
>as issues now
*as an issue now*
Anonymous.
2b6ec5b
?
No.330010
330014
kinderwaffen.png
>>330007
>Can you specify what you see as issues now?
Well you said something about logic earlier, and then pointed out how the first line:

>"They're coming from the east! I repeat! They're coming from the east!"

Does not make much logical sense even if it's a decent hook.

>How many cute Aryannes do you have?
I actually lost my pony folder forever, i pick these up as i go
Anonymous
deba27c
?
No.330014
330016 332573
>>330010
Yeah, basically. I wouldn't say that it doesn't make any logical sense either but I feel it would need to be anchored into the scene more.
Like it makes sense that this would be said but we kinda need to be able to understand from context where the voice comes from, for example. You don't need to even have a said tag for this, you could even just use the space the scene happens and then adress a speaker hanging in the corner of some room as a way to imply that the voice came from there.

The problem is that it feels like we're in several different scenes at the same time, almost like movie or something.

But again I'd like to adress that it's important that you keep your vision and that I don't overwrite it. What is happening in the first scene? I don't really get it. I get some but not all. Could you provide a small synopsis?
Anonymous.
2b6ec5b
?
No.330016
330018
>>330014
>It's important that you keep your vision and that I don't overwrite it.
Don't worry about that, if i sound overly accepting of any advice is just because i want to be grateful to those who sat, read and analyzed my story.

>What is happening in the first scene? I don't really get it. I get some but not all. Could you provide a small synopsis?

Basically, the Crystal Empire is being overrun by Changelings and the soldiers are evacuating civilians when a squad gets hit by an artillery shell striking the ground a few meters from them.

Now that i think about it, i didn't empathized enough the fact that communication had broken down between the HQ and the frontlines...all i did was the female soldier shouting through the comms with no response.

>The problem is that it feels like we're in several different scenes at the same time, almost like movie or something.

Are you refering to the part where they do "scorched-earth"?. burning supplies and shit?

If so, i may need to make it more clear to the reader.
Anonymous
deba27c
?
No.330018
330024 330194
>>330016
What tone are you trying to convey? I assume tense and terrifying.

The way things were written I kinda thought the females were human since you talked about arms and legs and how there was a half-eaten human body somewhere in there but the rest of them are ponies, right?

>Are you refering to the part where they do "scorched-earth"?. burning supplies and shit?
No, ehh forget about it. I get why I got that impression but it's too complicated to get into.

I reread your the first part of your story again and I think I get it now.

Anyway, I'll get back to this.
Anonymous.
2b6ec5b
?
No.330024
1554018055619.jpg
>>330018
>What tone are you trying to convey? I assume tense and terrifying.
Yup, pretty dark.

>but the rest of them are ponies, right?

Major fuck up there for me, i think i just assumed the readers would know they're all humans for no reason.

Let me explain, in case you haven't seen EQG yet, it's basically this other realm where instead of ponies, there are humans, ponies who cross from equestria to this realm become humans once they cross and viceversa.

This is basically the same, except the human realm has basically the same magical attributes as the pony world(of course i changed some stuff to fit more with the serious war-themed scenario), and it's a war-thorned shithole.
Anonymous
5d4b4d1
?
No.330033
330035 330037 330154 330191 330230
>be me
>have written pony greentexts from 2012-2020
>including a couple of novel-length ones
>try to move on from mlp greentexts into marketable lit
>write a few short stories in 2020, they get accepted to some zines but i dont get paid
>figure it's time to try and make some money
>try to write novels
>can't finish them
>try going back to short stories
>can't finish them
>try going back to mlp greentexts
>can't even get started
How the hell do I unbreak my brain, writebros?
Anonymous
94e0d6e
?
No.330035
330159
>>330033
Are you suffering from any vitamin/mineral deficiency or have too much?
Those can stop motivation. So can various emotional states.
Anonymous
472f921
?
No.330037
330159
>>330033
Nice pali.
Also, are you me? I have the same problem...
Anonymous
d7d3e05
?
No.330154
330159
>>330033
You get into the habit of working on this sort of thing every day, even if you end up redoing much of the work later once you figure out how to do it better.
Anonymous
d7d3e05
?
No.330157
330195
Story's reworked, plz gib feedback

https://ponepaste.org/6313
Password is still "TwilightsAsshole"

trying to avoid saying "I" or "Me" in posts now.
some horny scenes were designed to be very unsexy, since it would hurt the "DON'T BE A SLUT" message if he was shown actually enjoying sex
all sexual activity is offscreen
also included shit designed to please the audience like giving the main hero a non-blood-related sister/daughter figure. setting her up as a red herring, the hero will marry and fuck Twilight even if the audience is rooting for something more degenerate. plus hero gets to be heroic and protect his daughter from baddies once their collars are off.

am proud of this opening line:

>Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, everypony you know and love failed the world and fucking died, the end.

seems to really set the mood when it comes to thoughts on FE, along with the edgy black-and-white power fantasy dream sequence followed by powerless reality.
The hero of the book is called a faggot by his writing teacher for writing something like Fallout Equestria.
seems funny to me.
hopefully this is right.
Anonymous
8db51fe
?
No.330159
330163
>>330035
Unironically could be it. Definitely been eating less vegetables lately. Guess I should just take the effort to throw a few on the steamer every day.
>>330037
Yes, I am literally you. How's our Ronald Reagan X Meghan McCarthy smutfic coming along?
>>330154
Guess that's always the crux of it, isn't it? Shit doesn't get written if you don't write it. But fuck if it isn't easy to just open the document and stare at it all night lately. Honestly doing a greentext might be a good way to get out of that; knowing that there's an audience waiting for updates because you're basically publishing the story as you write it can be a good motivator.
Anonymous
d7d3e05
?
No.330163
330195
>>330159
A /ub/ thread on vitamin supplements would be great. Buying shit supplements or buying any supplements from jews would suck.
A ton of writers and writing guides say something like "Inspiration and motivation are fickle bitches, get yourself some discipline and determination. Replacing bad habits with good ones is what's important".
That advice helps keep one working even when one doesn't feel inspired.(yay loophole)
What did you think of the Fallout story? So far it's gotten to the bit where the hero finally gets to the good church of Twilight and pals and is finally ready to get his bomb collar taken off so he can train, undergo a timeskip, and purge the wicked from his homeland with sick guns and ammo and scifi bullshit.
The temptation to spergishly splurt over 20k words of "fuck battle saddles and fuck fallout equestria's take on Power Armour and guns and energy weapons, here's my better battle saddle and better power armour and better energy weapons" is there, but the temptation is being resisted.
No need for infodumps on engineered superior artificial arm options because the lioncorn can aim and fire handguns with his tail.
Laser guns work because they are magic. No sperging for 10k words on light diffusion here.
The magic power armour is literally blacksmithed medieval armour enchanted really really hard to speedboost and magicshield the wearer enough to make piston-assisted power armour irrelevant.
Fallout Equestria had this tendency to try to "fix" something smarter men mocked (even if Kkat didnt understand why) by including an exact copy of it then fucking with that copy by including his bad excuses for things to be almost as bad as they were in the original or worse. Nonsensically safe child-only town next to a Skyrim dungeon becomes a town (nonsensically close to fucking Canterlot) where kids exile adults "to make the town unappealing to slavers" (wtf unguarded children are very appealing to slavers), meanwhile the nonsensically-rich nothing-producing tower in the middle of fucking nowhere becomes a tourist destination (in the middle of bandit-infested enemy territory?!) full of fags that pay scavengers to get 200yr old ingredients for their fancy restaurants and somehow dont realise the "assistant to the radio dj" dyke who buys her own food secretly is the omniscient radio DJ who lives in the penthouse suite of the magical see-anything hyper-surveillance tower Tenpenny Tower secretly was all along.
That's homosexual. So it wont be done in my story where possible. The goal was to take these moments where something retarded in the original has to be here or else it isn't really FE and fix the root cause of what made them retarded as quickly and efficiently as possible. So while an arm mounted retractable gun could have been designed and explained to the audience simply letting chars shoot handguns with their Tangle The Lemur tails is faster.
and if it's faster that means it has to be better... right?
btw instead of making the character pause the story and directly explain shit to the audience the "Show dont tell" principle was used to show characters arguing or talking while seamlessly expositing info on guns or worldbuilding.
though that scene where profanity-laden fags argue over whether ballistic or energy weapons are cooler (while explaining how energy weaps work and what they do) seems to drag on for a bit too long.
Though perhaps a scene where someone points and shoots the energy weapon, melts a target, and says "good it's working the way it's supposed to" could give that exposition better.
maybe a scene where Sparky is forced to test and repair many guns, giving him an excuse to fire every gun type the audience might not be as familiar with as traditional bullet guns. Then he could repair a laser pistol and plasma rifle to explain their internals to the audience.
Might have written myself into a corner by making the Stable one big anti-magic field. Means all laser weapons need a sciencey excuse not a "because magic" excuse.
Anonymous
5c97ea6
?
No.330191
330193
>>330033
I'd advice that you break whatever you're writing into a minor but concrete pieces.
What do I mean? Well, staring at an empty page makes you ponder what to write. Writing by teh set of your pants can result in you feeling like you haven't written anything important.

The way to break free from this is to set the process up so you know you always do something. If you were to finish ten math exercies, then you would ask yourself how much you have done nor if you're actually doing something now, right?
Even a single math exercise, like 2+3*4, is about two things: The order of tasks and a binary state of completion.
You know in which order you should solve it and you know when it's done. You should break your own story into such pieces, it will help.

Like a simple action story: Anon fights off some timberwolves that attack Fluttershy's cottage.

A= Summary: Tells us that why and that Anon has been staying with Flutters since he came to Equestria.
B= Anon's description.
C= Where: Anon and FS is out and helps some bats in a tree during the night.
D= Suddenly a wolf lounges at FS but anon intercepts.
E= Action scene: He beats that faggotry out of that wolf.
F= He and Flutters snuggle together as they roasts marshmellows over a fire made by the remains of the wolf.
Anonymous
5c97ea6
?
No.330193
>>330191
>then you would ask yourself how much you have done nor if you're actually doing something now
*Wouldn't*
Anonymous.
2b6ec5b
?
No.330194
330196
1554786285254-3.jpg
>>330018
Hey Sven, do you think you can find time to continue the review?

Sorry if am being kind of annoying, it's okay if you don't want to, am just a little confused cuz you suddenly stopped.
Anonymous
5c97ea6
?
No.330195
330197 330198 330206
Back then Modintervention.PNG
>>330157
>>330163
>>329984

I have been thinking about all of these and want to share my thoughts.

While I appriciate this,
<My real question is if you will start to delete his irrelevant posts in the future or something
>Yes.
there's is a bit more to unpack for me when it comes to this.

<I don't think this is something that can be fixed without mod intervention.
I kinda found myself disagreeing with my previous self.

Why? Well, uhh, how do I start? Essentially, the problem is that, for example this shitstorm or drama didn't start with Nigel posting irrelevant posts but because Ninjas criticized his creative method of pitching an idea to us, without context, and asking for specific ways to change them. Just go up and read it and see for yourself. When you do that, you can also check out that I had just had an exchange with him where I criticize him for basically the same thing but later retract what I said because I realized that he is allowed to post these posts here because, they are sorta related to the thread. I just disliked his creative process.

However, you see the problem, right? Just because his post belonged in the thread didn't make his creative process any less ridiculous.

But then the question becomes how will mod intervention take shape to stop this if this shitstorm or drama started from just in thread criticism and not from Nigel posting irrelevant posts.

The posts I have you;ed above that belong to Nigel are post that I easily could criticise, not everything but some stuff, like his *rolls hand in the air* "story".

How would that play out? Probably, like this,
>Be me.
>See dumb Nigel story.
>Give him, despite everything, genuine criticism.
>Response is half feigned ignorance and questions on how to improve other aspects of the story while giving no indication on implementing your original criticism, half is some tangentially related rant about some media, probably F:E.
>Exasperated and naively suprized of the response I got from my clear communication.
>Continue attempting to get through to him.
>Ninjas joins the party.
>"Oy oy oy, my haters, they never make any substantial arguements only throw labels at me."
>"Niggel!!!111 (((jew))) britBONGmutt-iod. Gashlight. Gashlight. Gashlight. All (((U)))kucks do is GASHLIGHT!!!!!"
"Nigel, I actually don't dislike you. I think you have a lot of merits but you can't do this stuff ->(Expains in galaxy brain levels of detail, in unambigious and crystal clear langauge, with such artful precision on how to solve all problem in the world.)"
>"There's no point in even trying, brah. Let me present to you my psycologiacl analysis of his state of mind. As you can see, dopamine goes in here, gashlight comes out here."
>"I wonder what my haters would do without me? I always try to improve. I workout, I do nofap, and I work on my game. What has change for him, he is still just obsessed over me. Has to be a sad life."
>Most of the time, the thread continues and so the storm is interrupted or we detractors let it go. In the worst case, there's mod intervention.

This leads me to prophecies the future. The staff here will have to come to a decision. Consider the following:
Either, the staff let's the drama continue* (I leave an asterisk here because I'll get back to this.) and just doesn't get involved and let's it spiral whenver and wherever it happens; or they make and intervention.

If they make an intervention, then, I believe, they will have to pick a side.
Either, they start to get comfortable with ban hammer and juast smashes Nigel around whenever he's being a sperg and post something stupid like a dumb story, take note that this isn't what I want, at all, but how it reasonably will develop if Nigel is the one being corrected.
If it is us (all involved) or us (detractors), which is unlikely so it really is just us (as all involved), that needs to be stopped to stop the drama; then nothing will really change.

I am suppose to not criticise the things Nigel post, that I find wrong, just because I know it will lead to drama? As I said, I could already from these two posts of his alone, start the cycle anew by just giving genuine criticism and him just not taking it. Like seriously though (Here's to prove it.), I could just ask about why he still have his moronic walls of text for dialogue. Obviously, since he has not fixed this in four years, and this has been brought up to him a few times since then, it's unlikely that he will do anything with that criticism now.

So I don't see how the mods will change this because I don't believe you will go to the outright lengths of banning Nigel, either (when his a sperg). Honestly, though the whole concept of banning him rubs me the wrong way as well on some level, or does it?

Here's the thing: The more freedom in your speech you have, the more drama you can expect. The more you ban, the less drama you can expect because the one side will be removed from doing anything and it's not like the other side will eat themselves up.

From my bias, I think Nigel is the one in wrong but at the same time I think that we solved it well last time when GG became a thing and the whole site did worry about how the thread was derailed due to drama but joined in to shit on Nigel for just posting a shit story. This might been an overreaction on there part but that's how it went down. The mod intervention that happened back then was pic related.

I don't wanna ban Nigel (when he's a sperg), I don't, but I'm wondering how and what kinda of mod intervention will change anything, except for that. Take note that I'm not condeming this either. If there's no other way, then so be it. But I don't want to. What is the plan? How will you solve this problem? Does the staff share my view on the situation? What is the likelihood that nothing changes and this happens over and over again? Is that preferable to a ban?
Anonymous
5c97ea6
?
No.330196
330202
>>330194
Nah, you're not annoying at all. I enjoy the fact that someone cares for what I have to say about writing so it makes me happy to know. I'm a bit lazy though so you'll probably have to remind me more n the future. I'll try to get some more thoughts about your story written down.
Anonymous
5c97ea6
?
No.330197
>>330195
I also want to add that I did not criticise Nigel's posts. I know where that leads at this point. I won't bother will Nigel again, until he shows some serious improvements when it comes to these kinds of things.

So I'm not talking to Nigel here. I'm directing the above post towards the staff. Neither, am I put much effort into convincing people of the truthfulness of my position much because that's been done by this point.

I promised myself not to bother will Nigel since he doesn't listen.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.330198
330199 330203
>>330195
For quick clarification, I'm not the anon that does the over-the-top rage posts and calls him Niggel. Additionally, while you satirize my psycho-analysis, I havent yet heard anyone indicate that its wrong.
>will mod intervention accomplish anything
In my opinion - and one tbat did not make me popular among the rest of staff because I was pro-active rather than reactive - it doesnt matter.
Ill repeat that.
It doesnt matter whether or not mod intervention will accomplish a change. He should never have been allowed to flagrantly derail countless threads, and that he was is dereliction of duty. Staff gave up and gave in to Nigel years ago because 'it was too much trouble' to be consistent with him.
In this particular case mod intervention is inappropriate; Nigel came asking about his creative process, and I told him. Thats what happens in the creative writing thread. That it spiralled outside the scope of creative writing is because - you guessed it - staff has been derelict with Nigel for far too long. Maybe it has gone unnoticed, but I only started sperging again because he has been getting more brazen with his.
Anonymous
5c97ea6
?
No.330199
330201
>>330198
>I'm not the anon that does the over-the-top rage posts and calls him Niggel.
I'm fully aware. And While I can find them overwritten at times and as you say over-the-top, I can't really fault the guy for getting enraged by clear gaslighting either.
> Additionally, while you satirize my psycho-analysis, I havent yet heard anyone indicate that its wrong.
Neither did I. ;^P
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.330200
330203
Dammit, didnt mean to post yet.
Tl;dr Policy is mostly clear, and it doesnt mention drama. Ergo, drama is no reason to intervene.
The important question is:
Does staff have a responsibility to work toward an increase in quality for all users, or does it have a responsibility to work toward an increase in quality for individual users?
Anonymous
5c97ea6
?
No.330201
>>330199
>I can't really fault the guy
I don't mean that you do either.
Anonymous.
2b6ec5b
?
No.330202
330203
1555833604561-0.png
>>330196
That's good to know, hope you enjoyed the read anon
Anonymous
5c97ea6
?
No.330203
330221
>>330198
>>330200
The things you say sounds sound.
>Maybe it has gone unnoticed, but I only started sperging again because he has been getting more brazen with his.
What were you gonna say?
>>330202
Well, it's not against my tastes though I do think, if I'm honst that it's kinda bad or suffers a lot from coherency. Let me get back to you on that but I don't think anything is beyond hope either so don't feel bad.
Anonymous
d7d3e05
?
No.330206
330207 330211
>>330195
>2018
>2022
I vaguely remember that post and thread from 4 years ago, weren't we arguing over my story back then? I remember some people calling my story shit helpfully and some people calling me assorted buzzwords.
Anyway what do you think of the story just posted?
Anonymous
5c97ea6
?
No.330207
330209
>>330206
I said I wasn't gonna give you more advice until you prove you improve and I meant it. I don't actually believe you will listen to what i have to say anyway so who cares?
Besides, I have been harping about one point of story improvement for you in the latest posts and in the posts you're referencing in this one.
Anonymous
5c97ea6
?
No.330209
>>330207
Here's a hint:
>Walls of text (as in dialogue)
Anonymous
5c97ea6
?
No.330211
330213 330220
>>330206
<2018
<2022
>I vaguely remember that post and thread from 4 years ago, weren't we arguing over my story back then?
Why do you always feign ignorance like this. As if you can't tell which thread that pic is from just from the pic alone. Yeah, sure.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.330213
330214
>>330211
I wrote that green-text
Anonymous
5c97ea6
?
No.330214
File (hide): 43EBCA59719C77B82DBD0F7DF76749CA-989158.mp4 (966.0 KB, Resolution:360x360 Length:00:00:16, wow glimmer-12_WnaPmPI0.mp4) [play once] [loop]
wow glimmer-12_WnaPmPI0.mp4
>>330213
Really? Wow~
Anonymous
5c97ea6
?
No.330215
330216
go still isn't updated.PNG
Went to the archived version because I wanted to see if I saw anymore mod intervention, then that one I remembered. Found this little gem. It doesn't actually bother me (anymore, though it has I won't lie), I just find it funny.

I remember some mod declaring Nigel as the faggot in one of those threads on behalf of Atlas.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.330216
>>330215
look, trips
>>>/sp/18777 →
Anonymous
d7d3e05
?
No.330220
>>330211
I'm not feigning ignorance, normal people don't memorize every word of every conversation they've ever been in four or more years ago. At that point in time had I uploaded the "Silver beats Glimmer and calls communism retarded" chapter yet? Looking back it was cringe. The fight was under Silver's control for too long, it needed more moments of tension where his foe had the upper hand. Maybe Glim could steal his cutie mark forcing him to do something clever to get it back. Plus it needed more buildup. And better writing overall. If I included Glim in my rewrite I'd make Silver and Glimmer two characters that both think they can convert the other after enough talking about their political views and how surely obviously right their respective views seem to them. Glim would be done with forcing her views onto others with magic and lies but there would still be a part of her that thinks it would be good for somebody sufficiently perfect to have all the power, while Silver is libertarian and dislikes the idea of absolute power. I think it would make Silver more interesting if he was the type who would look upon an object of absolute power and say "Nobody should have all this power". The old Silver would have looked at it and said "oh sweet another one for my collection" before tossing it in his extradimensional storage space with the rest.
Anonymous.
2b6ec5b
?
No.330221
330277 330281
1562260923320-0 (1).png
>>330203
You are probably asleep by now, but i'll post this so you can see it earlier.

>though I do think, if I'm honst that it's kinda bad or suffers a lot from coherency.

Well, that sucks, but that's why i wanted a review, i suspect a lot of it is just me not being clear enough, atleast i hope so.

Anyways, am looking foward for the rest anon, have a goodnight!
Anonymous
5c97ea6
?
No.330230
330251
>>330033
You can also just let go of your stress. Put on some smooth oppressive music in background, get your pepe blanket for max comf, and just type away without a care in the world.

Do you feel stress when you sit down to write? Then calm the fuck down. STOP STRESSING!
Anonymous
a230ba7
?
No.330251
>>330230
>STOP STRESSING!
So to make that it comes through, because one can never know with you autists of this board;^P, but this is a joke where I stress at the same time as I tell you not to and also a reference to Starlight Glimmer's ourburst in No Second Prances.
Anonymous
a230ba7
?
No.330277
330282
>>330221
So I won't do much tonight but I can tell you that the "..." followed by a huge gap is a bit annoying to read, imo.

I get the point but use that technique sparingly, otherwise the effect seems less delibrate and more like you had some upload problems. Stuff like that have diminishing returns. I'd sugguest you use it on three times that are dramatically opportune moments.
Anonymous
d7d3e05
?
No.330279
330280
Wait a second is all discussion of the Fallout Equestria fic to be moved to the other thread or just all talk involving me and what others think of me?
Btw I bet if the sonic fans were as autistic as bronies there would be a retarded communally-accepted headcanon for Pachacamac Parking.
Anonymous
472f921
?
No.330280
330315
>>330279
Idk anymore, tbh. This thread is basically a de facto general, but specific writing topics outta have their own threads.
Anonymous
a230ba7
?
No.330281
330282 330418
>>330221
I like that your opener starts off with action and so it continues through most of what I have read of the story. This is good. While sometimes tone shits can be used to great effect, it's normally good practice to keep the tone consistent.
Anonymous.
2b6ec5b
?
No.330282
330283
dc9clcg-e2e0aed7-145a-493c-8d1c-f377dcce71e7.png
>>330277
Right...that along with the "character: speak" structure kind of seem like the script of some screenplay, am going to try and cool it with that, that's two anons there sayin' it's too much.
>>330281
Noice, i think the tone does shift a little in the second chapter, but my limited criteria told me to keep it consistent in the first chapter, this with the purpose of "setting the tone", and letting the reader know what kind of story it is.

>I think i ran out of Aryanne pics
Anonymous
48a37c8
?
No.330283
330295 330297
>>330282
>>I think i ran out of Aryanne pics
If you haven't I can recommend downloading the Marenheit 451 pack for your collection of Aryannes.
https://www.marenheit451.com
Anonymous.
cb9a101
?
No.330295
Aryanne Cookie.png
>>330283
Hey!, thanks poner!
Anonymous
27b7dbc
?
No.330297
sweetie belle - natsoc.jpg
>>330283
/)
Anonymous
bcce2d5
?
No.330304
330319 330340 330726
164144686.png
Literal clown world shit guys. You're letting a tranny push you around that's so close to suicide you can smell the gunpowder already. He's not going to stop bitching until you get rid of him for good, (if I may be honest here, letting him stick around was a rather impotent move. You don't let a live-in girlfriend stay at your house after she breaks up with you). He's been causing a nonstop shitstorm ever since whenever this was, a year ago? Pretty much just accusing everyone else of what he's doing and nagging the shit out of them because what else would an antifa shitstain get up to. Ah, take the knee, see if I give a rat's ass. Stunning and brave, guys. Really.
Anonymous
d7d3e05
?
No.330315
330319 330343
>>330280
It would be great if the criticism of my fic was posted here and any unrelated bullshit, like dishonest baseless accusations or whining about misremembered past events, could stay in that side thread.
Personally do you think I ruined the impact of my story's "Cold Open" prologue featuring Sparky's dream about killing raiders by adding that other prologue that started with "once upon a time everypony died" and showed Sunny's writing teacher calling him a faggot?
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.330319
>>330304
<3 /)
>>330315
>baseless accusations
Citation needed
Dont worry, Im happy to shit on your fic exclusively in this thread, while the expansive meta of why youre shit goes on in the other thread
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.330320
330340 330350
Addendum
The assertion that criticisms against Nigel are
>dishonest baseless accusations or whining about misremembered past event
Is a deliberate gaslighting. This gaslighting - not exclusively - is precisely why there is another thread, currently discussing his narcissism. Nigel will never admit that there is any basis for these, claims because they threaten the self-importance he has built up to shield himself from decades of being abused in a variety of manners. Nigel is a good person, but he has been conditioned by abuse to maladapt any criticism against him in an unheal5hy manner. This is why he shirks honest suggestions and blazes forward as though with a mandate.
Anonymous
7be0421
?
No.330340
330417
>>330304
>He's been causing a nonstop shitstorm ever since whenever this was, a year ago?
>a year ago?
You're quite joker, aren't you?
>>330320
This analysis sounds about right but it's hard to tell which part of this is Nigel's nature and which part is a result of his life experinces. However, I'd like to imagine that your explanation is the correct one for his sake if nothing else.
Anonymous
7be0421
?
No.330343
330350
1529099599153895429.gif
>>330315
>Do you think I ruined my cold open when I made it so that it no longer was a cold open?
Anonymous
d7d3e05
?
No.330350
330355
>>330320
Ligma balls.
>>330343
Yeah, exactly. Do you think I ruined the intended effect of the cold open when I made it no longer a cold open?

I've been thinking of rewriting this scene entirely. The vaguely-defined filly being saved from Raiders could be replaced with a more recognizeable face, and I don't think the "Haha Fallout Equestria sure is a WACKY setting full of OP characters and skeletons and lockpicking's useless" dialogue is landing right.
I like the visual of the book being used as toilet paper because I ripped that off from Shrek.
But I could mock environmental storytelling skeletons and "lockpicking=miraculously untouched loot including 200 yr old perfectly preserved food" better by making the filly run past a mountain of skeletons and lockpick her way into a room she thinks is safe, but it contains food and one environmentally storytelling skeleton, and then the raiders smash the door down and she either
>a. goes "OH FUCK I FORGOT THAT'S POSSIBLE"
>b. thinks "Why hasn't anyone smashed this door open until now for the potential loot inside?"
Perhaps if the opener has Sparky showing off his literal fanfic about saving a canon pony from raiders, I cut out much of the "You are my daughter" exposition and "This world is silly" talk, then included the "Once upon a time everypony died" dialogue in the start of Sparky's narration to the reader.
I can always just write a second cold opener with Sparky dreaming about a different scene of the simple morally black-and-white violence he fantasizes about to cope with a world gone mad.
Maybe set it up to subvert audience expectations. He gets laughed at as a kid, I show a scene of him being violent, fans assume he's snapped IRL, but nope, it's a dream he's having between sessions of fixing tech Karens keep breaking at Life Bytes.
Although... If I end up never giving the hero a PipBuck but many of his enemies use them do I need to bother saying what they do in a scene like this?

Btw I had this idea where the rabbit who sucks Sparky off in a train bathroom (how romantic, amirite?) gets beaten up by a crowd of grass-eaters for interacting with the "wrong" species, and this happens right in front of a pro-divershitty mural made by grass-eaters for grass eaters. Sparky shows up in time to save the day but she's still got injuries.
The scene could spell out to the audience how their desired diversity only ever goes one way and it's common for foreigners to loathe, even attack, those of their kind who mix with whites in a manner whites would consider exclusively reserved for fictional rednecks on TV. Her having injuries gives him an excuse to take her home and offer her first aid while muttering "I wish we had those health potions that cure everything but only the rich have that luxury. Also it's a shame I can't call an ambulance without getting arrested and sent to a work-camp under suspicion of giving you these injuries no matter what we say".
Sparky does a lot of grumbling about how much the world sucks but I think depicting him caring for someone unrelated to him would help establish him as a fundamentally good person whose kindness can extend to everyone who's not evil. I like kind protagonists, and I think I suck at writing smug assholes.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.330355
330359
>>330350
>Btw I had this idea where the rabbit who sucks Sparky off in a train bathroom (how romantic, amirite?) gets beaten up by a crowd of grass-eaters for interacting with the "wrong" species, and this happens right in front of a pro-divershitty mural made by grass-eaters for grass eaters. Sparky shows up in time to save the day but she's still got injuries.
>The scene could spell out to the audience how their desired diversity only ever goes one way and it's common for foreigners to loathe, even attack, those of their kind who mix with whites in a manner whites would consider exclusively reserved for fictional rednecks on TV. Her having injuries gives him an excuse to take her home and offer her first aid while muttering "I wish we had those health potions that cure everything but only the rich have that luxury. Also it's a shame I can't call an ambulance without getting arrested and sent to a work-camp under suspicion of giving you these injuries no matter what we say".
>Sparky does a lot of grumbling about how much the world sucks but I think depicting him caring for someone unrelated to him would help establish him as a fundamentally good person whose kindness can extend to everyone who's not evil. I like kind protagonists, and I think I suck at writing smug assholes.
>I suck at writing
Anonymous
d7d3e05
?
No.330359
>>330355
Wow rude
Anonymous
d7d3e05
?
No.330361
330402
Also I was thinking
The PipBuck is a cheat device. Aims and fires your guns for you in a world where Battle Saddles already aim and reload your guns for you via magic (but rely on a manually bitten mouth trigger so only VATS users can aimbot like chinese cheaters in TF2/Counter Strike).
Also does all sorts of other shit, yet Fallout Equestria treats LP like she's some kind of special chosen one for having plot armour and "Getting the most out of this multipurpose cheat device seemingly only I have" as her Cutie Mark.
Would the hero of my story be cooler if he beat VATS users without any kind of PipBuck-like device, or if he invented and utilized a homemade device with different less cheaty features like keeping an eye on your health and that of your teammates, marking enemy and ally positions while being able to call out threats and order teammates around, having a phone, being able to call in supply drops and drone bombing runs and artillery strikes, auto-hacking enemy PipBuck to fuck with their HUD and disable their cheats, and so on?
I like the idea of a scene where he uses his "SparkBuck" (Better name pending) to hack an enemy's PipBuck and hack its targeting system, forcing that enemy to shoot himself. And a scene where he disables everyone else's autoaim, fucking with the aim of everyone who relied on that and justifying the whole "Villains with guns never shoot the heroes anywhere that matters" bit.
Anonymous
d7d3e05
?
No.330402
>>330361
I'm doing it again, aren't I?
Getting distracted by what would make this story "cooler" instead of focusing on the primary message and core themes.
He should start off with no pipbuck and struggle to beat cheaters with pipbucks. He should sweat and struggle and sacrifice. It should take effort.
Making his AntiPipbuck to negate the PipBucks, a PipCuck if you will, that should be a moment of triumph after a lot of effort. Once your hero can "Lelouch Vi Britannia commands you to activate VATS and shoot your friends and then yourself" anybody within hacking distance any physical challenge posed by PipBuck wearers is pretty much over.
The first time he fucks with someone's HUD and then puppets them this should feel as earned as the first time his artillery network finally gets commanded to call down a series of attacks on enemy territory.
Anonymous
cb474a1
?
No.330417
330426 330454
>>330340
I don't know, at this point it's starting to look like you guys are all made for each other in more than a bit of a twisted sort of way. I guess you can have fun trying to fix each other's perceived problems until the website bleeds out and life support gets cut. At this point, and well before to be honest, you really don't have anyone to blame but yourselves.

>inb4 starting to, you should have known
No, fuck you, I didn't choose this bullshit. I was minding my own business. Tranny wanted to suck my cock or something, didn't know how to express it. I guess he can "ironically" blow his brains out if he wants. I could see that sufficing for sorry.
Anonymous.
2b6ec5b
?
No.330418
330426 330429
1559341138420-0.png
>>330281
Uh...Sven, i think you said i might need to remind you from time to time about my shit-fic, right?
Anonymous
310f38a
?
No.330420
330421
Oh, and another thing. He's taking you guys for a ride, you do know that, right? He's going to say anything, anything at all, that he thinks will get under your skin, he doesn't actually believe any of the bullshit he's saying. Any of it, he's full of shit, to the core. Worst thing you could do to him is leave him alone so he's got nobody left to bitch at except his gun. Just take a gander at how desperate he is when it comes to avoidance of being banned. Don't you guys want to go off and get girlfriends or something, or do something else you actually like? Instead of listening to the neverending nagging of a insincere shiteater of a troon? No? Alright.
Anonymous
472f921
?
No.330421
330425
>>330420
Nothing I'm that post pertains to writing. Take it to the /sp/ or /test/ threads.
Anonymous
5af4f55
?
No.330425
>>330421
Spare me. I think I've already done far more than my fair share of trying to keep this kind of horseshit cordoned off. If I recall correctly, you guys were the ones that wanted to throw shit everywhere. Like telling people to take it to /sp/ is going to stop it the next multitude of times. I wanted no part of this, remember. The trouble found me, not the other way around.
Anonymous
63edc62
?
No.330426
330428
>>330417
You misunderstood me. I just meant it has been going one for way longer.
>>>330420
Yeah, he's latest posts have really started to hammer that in. It is a you say. I don't wanna waste my time on this guy. If he'll be like whitenoise in the background of these threads, so be it. I can do nothing about it.
>>330418
I read some more of it today. Will try to come up with some thoughs, hasn't really been good or bad exluding the things I have already mention.
Anonymous
5af4f55
?
No.330428
330429
>>330426
Sven, you were cool mate. But I'd GTFO and yesterday if I were you. Regardless, cheers.
Anonymous
63edc62
?
No.330429
330437
>>330428
>But I'd GTFO and yesterday if I were you.
Yeah. I think I'll take a break from this board for a like one or two weeks. It has started to take up too much time.
>>330418
So Miguel, if you still want feedback on your story from me, send such a request to this burner email; then I can continue doing that through it.
[email protected]
Otherwise, you'll have to wait for my return. Adios.
Anonymous.
2b6ec5b
?
No.330437
>>330429
Whatever, take your time.

All in all, i wish i had posted in a more opportune time, it's been entertaining i guess
Anonymous
d7d3e05
?
No.330454
>>330417
But all I want to fix is my story
Anonymous
d7d3e05
?
No.330468
330469
In the movie Idiocracy there's this bit where the hero is loathed by the idiot populace he's trying to save. They throw him in an arena to be killed by monster trucks. It's a literal public execution cheered on by the idiot masses whose bloodlust only fades once someone on TV tells them the hero is right and shows them his "water crops with WATER" idea is right.
It's a powerful piece of propaganda.
The average everyday man is saved from the idiots by the prostitute on TV. Trusting the TV saves the day, or the idiot's tendency to trust the TV saves the day depending on how you look at it.
For a movie meant to demonize idiots, it lets them walk away thinking it's ok if they keep trusting "the right" people on TV, whoever they are. And for the smug libtards, it blames declining IQ scores not on the turd-world immigration leftist scum enables, but on the conservative rural christians.

Maybe it wasn't right for the hero of my story to get the money he needs to move from fagland to churchtopia so easily. Maybe there should have been an arena fight against something huge (libtard sheep in giant robots?) Sparky wins by blowing up a big TV that was spewing enemy propaganda.
It's symboic. (CAW)

I got messages saying the opener of the story was too dark and turned away a few viewers. Maybe instead of thinking about how hopeless everything seems he could be thinking "My big fight is coming soon. I still have hope".
Anonymous
472f921
?
No.330469
330471
>>330468
>For a movie meant to demonize idiots, it lets them walk away thinking it's ok if they keep trusting "the right" people on TV, whoever they are.
I wouldn't go that far, tbh. The real message was to get personally involved in politics or globa affairs, even if you don't think you're he right person and are only average. It opens with "Lead, follow, or get ot of the way", but the real message was to lead, or a the very least follow who you believe in.
I may be biased because I like the movie.
Anonymous
d7d3e05
?
No.330471
330504 330505
>>330469
I thought the movie opened on demographics and inheritable IQ being framed as high-IQ cityslicker jews who never get around to sex vs white redneck americans.
Personally I like the film too. It's hilarious. I'm trying to view media through the propaganda lens to improve my own.

Btw I was thinking... anyone who genuinely desires freedom ends up realizing only nazis can defend freedom from jews. Anyone who desires free speech and free thought will eventually hear a good argument for the truth and learn about how fake the holohoax is. So maybe instead of trying to make my audience hate libtards as much as me and support a white christian ethnostate I should focus on more family-friendly pro-freedom pro-truth ideas. Time can handle the rest.
Anonymous
472f921
?
No.330504
>>330471
>I thought the movie opened on demographics and inheritable IQ being framed as high-IQ cityslicker jews who never get around to sex vs white redneck americans.
It moreso opened on the "smart" people who have the means to fix society failing to do so.
>white redneck americans
Redneck yes, but I wouldn't say the focus was on him being white. They compared a bunch of intelligent educated Americans all failing to reproduce when a single redneck managed to have thousands of spawn because he didn't give a fuck. There was no shortage of niggers in the idiocracy; even UPGRAYDD mabaged to have thousands of descendants who shared his retarded surname.
The point was that waiting around for the "correct" people to fix society is stupid, because if they were competent or willing enough to fix it it wouldn't be broken in the first place: people are not suddenly going to wake up and get smarter about the shit they do; if anything, they're only getting dumber. Average people need to take matters into their own hands.
Anonymous
472f921
?
No.330505
330508
>>330471
>maybe instead of trying to make my audience hate libtards as much as me and support a white christian ethnostate I should focus on more family-friendly pro-freedom pro-truth ideas.
This is a better approach. Focusing on what you hate/exclude is a fool's errand unless you make a point to elevate what's important. Normies may seem braindead for allowing society to rot, but the problem isn't necessarily ntelligence but rather that they don't have their priorities straight. People need to be taught why family, freedom and truth are important things worth protecting; and people who are on the fence about those ideals could benefit to have them reinforced.
Anonymous
d7d3e05
?
No.330508
330509
yo this looks like that kingdom hearts thingy.jpg
>>330505
That's another thing I've been thinking about...
FIM is a semi-liberal show sometimes. There are a lot of good things about this show, but when Rarity bats her eyelashes to make simps work for her it's treated with no less severity than if Fluttershy were to ask nicely to get pet bears to pull their cart. The thought that the simps might expect payment never comes into their mind. Men like Spike are called greedy if they accept too many gifts, or expect them.
FIM's take on Dragons not raised by ponies are the feminist writers take on men not "raised primarily by women": Brutish thrill-seeking bullies. No wonder so many male fans of this show self-insert or make up new male characters when there are so few male characters to use as your de facto self-insert.
Spike's treated like an afterthought and in that book where he was turned into a pony, his Cutie Mark wasn't fire or a scroll or a dragon claw, it was Rarity's face on his ass representing his talent at being a Rarity simp.
So the average audience of FIM fanfiction is already likely to lean left through deliberate evil or through not knowing better.
Then there's Fallout. Despite all its pro-libertarian messages about self-reliance and considering the fallout of your actions and being the shotgun-toting pure-hearted smart talker the world needs, despite its occasional flirtations with the conservative's power fantasy of power-armoured Power Ranger Halo Spartans and Giant Robots killing Communists and A Jew's Perception Of Nazis for you while conflating the two, the series still chose to take "1960s America bad" to an absurd degree with the Enclave. I wish I could chalk this up to Bethesda being shit writers who love their black and white villains but even Fallout 1 and 2 had this kind of shit.
The Globalist NWO ruining the world is painted as an exclusively American thing with American businessmen and politicians and generals working together. The thought that they might be working with the commie Chinese and other threats to whites never comes up and demographics? Never brought up intentionally. The idea that the descendants of these people might have good intentions for America? Laughable when they're typically written as cartoon supervillains with conquering America or genociding America before repopulating it on the mind. The most even-handed approach the franchise ever took to the Enclave was when they were depicted as countryless and tired old veterans ready to go out in a blaze of glory "making up for their past sins" by "fighting for the right side instead for a change".
Don't get me started on the "sterile" "Master Race". Sure he mentions wanting to transform the world through making them mixed mutants united under his heel but there are countless other words this collectivist racemixing transhumanist fleshcancer could have used to describe himself and the end result of his project. Would it have really killed them to call his army The Collective? Couldn't they depict a commie honestly without slipping in some "hurr durr nazis bad" buzzwords too? Hitler would have opposed The Master if he was real.
Then there's the NCR. What makes the NCR bad? Well, the same thing a Liberal would claim makes America bad minus anything that Liberal has to say about race. "Imperialism, Bureaucracy, Dumb People, Taxes, Rich Men(cow barons), and a corrupt democracy full of Evil Corrupt Individuals!" say the authors, unwilling to depict a single libtard NCR politician hurting innocents in the pursuit of pussy libtardism whether he knows he's serving communism or not.

So already, while there are certainly exceptions (Just look at this site, or any Fallout fan who prefers Obsidian!Brotherhood Of Steel or the Enclave or Caesar's Legion to the New Cuckifornia Republic or Minutemen) the average intended fan of Fallout or MLP is likely to lean left.

Then there's Fallout Equestria. It's dogshit.
It's also tremendously Liberal.
While Liberalism failed Equestria in this story, the author's intent is clearly to depict ponies as fools who "lost their way" and failed to live up to Sufficient Liberalism.
The mane six were granted absolute power and ruined Equestria by failing to be sufficiently Liberal, even as they were both being warred on by moon-phobic Luna-loathing mindlessly-religious school-bombing heartless barbaric Zebra cultists AND making refugee camps for all the Ziggers who felt like being fed and doing drugs in Equestria despite the pony and pony police presence.
Fluttershy's peacetard behaviour gives the Ziggers healing ICBMs, they reverse-engineer them into nuclear dynamite vests and smuggle them into Equestria with the help of the traitorous Four Stars corporation.
Equestria burns and dies so 200 years later, libtard murderhobos who view libtardery as the only way despite their token disagreements on shooting rapists in the act vs dragging them away to be rehabilitated and killing their enemies with needle guns and shotgun-toting allies vs killing them with shotguns yourself while claiming you've "Never killed anypony and have still never killed anypony as far as you're concerned".
FE's libtards view roaming the world and killing all who fail to live up to their leftist moral standard as their goal in life. They don't just invade bandit lands and "self-defense" any criminals protecting their stolen territory, they openly instigate fights with and remorselessly kill+rob Brotherhood Of Steel TechnoFeudalists and Arbu cannibals and Red Eye's Slavers for being "Bad"(TM).

Fallout Equestria is a tranny leftist's power fantasy and despite all its purple prose and B.S. about Values and Moral Greys, LP never has her certainty in her right to kill+take+redistribute as she pleases challenged plus all her villains are one-note villains who mwahaha. Bootleg Rita Repulsa minus the charm, Pro-Slavery Wannabe-God, and a cardboard cutout named General whatever whose goal is genociding the earth below Bioshock Infinite style.

FE Fanfic? Too niche.
Must find new angle.
Anonymous
472f921
?
No.330509
330510
>>330508
I was never really fond of Fallout in the first place, and even less so of FoE, so I can't really provide any constructive opinions on the matter.
Anonymous
d7d3e05
?
No.330510
330511
>>330509
Do you think I was too obvious with my subtle gay joke in one of the later chapters?

>“Are you sure? I heard a rumor that a cat named Friday-”
>“Everyone's heard rumors about the legendary Doc Friday, and how he's so spectacularly homosexual, it can damage the space-time continuum and make the impossible happen. Everyone's heard the story of him getting the gold medal for the fastest gay cat to ever do the Olympic backstroke in front of a live audience in a literal swimming pool full of horse semen. Everyone's heard the stories of him sucking a literal six hundred and sixty six penises in one night until each one achieved climax at Club Manhole on Secret Gay Homosexual Orgy Night. They're completely fictional. If someone that gay ever existed, why would he ever go to a decidedly straight Butler cafe like this one when there are so many gay Butler cafes out there? Club Manhole has its Secret Gay Homosexual Orgy Night every Friday, so the jokes about gay shit happening 'on Friday' write themselves.”

Gay cat sounds like Kkat, and his female self-insert OC is named "Friday". But it's got plausible deniability because Doc Friday is a Fallout character.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.330511
>>330510
Low hanging fruit, but no; Doc Friday sounds like Silver Star
Anonymous
d7d3e05
?
No.330517
330518 330520
I've got it.
Christian Sonic fanfiction.
That's what I need to write.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.330518
>>330517
Deus vult
Anonymous
472f921
?
No.330520
>>330517
Do it.
Anonymous
d7d3e05
?
No.330524
330581
A thought occurs.
Sonic isn't already a Christian. It would be awkward if I had him randomly praise Christ. I suppose I could add a new raised-Christian character. But he or she would be very out of place when most sonic plots are the same thing over and over. Sonic could go on a mission to stop Eggman from nuking famous churches but that isn't the sort of thing Eggman does.
But Sonic already fights a russian roboticist with a family connected to american conspiracies. And what does he fight to protect? The environment, individual liberty, and his animal buddies.
His sites are full of people longing for the times when he was cool. Back when Sonic had lines better than "Baldy McNosehair". Back when he went on Adventures instead of Boosting down bland rollercoaster tracks full of bowling pins.
Let's rock baby. Aw yeah, this is happening.
Libertarian Sonic Fanfiction time.
Now featuring my most subtle, mature, and hilarious writing yet!
Anonymous
d7d3e05
?
No.330579
330581
Hey, does this fic have good writing?
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/213696/the-sparkle-in-his-eye

It starts off just retelling Ratchet And Clank 1 but with Twilight added in.
However from RAC2 2 onwards it diverges more.
The villains in 2 and 4 try getting filly Twilight on their side. Which makes things more interesting than 3 which just retells 3 but with OP Twilight "improving" everything in a manner that reminds me of old Fix Fics.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.330581
330600 336014
>>330524
>>330579
Nigel, Im gonna speak from the heart here. I know, you probably have me filtered, but Im gonna try anyway. I can always reset my shit and get to yiu later, its no hurry.
Anyway.
You should stop trying to write literary stories. You suffer from much of the same writing blocks that I have, and cant realky commit to writing an actually good story; it will always be a caricature of a good story.
Which is why you would be a fantastic TTRPG GM. TTRPGS arent afforded the luxury of a deep and intricate storyline, it just needs to make enough sense to get the party motivated to go from point A to.point B. This is also why FoE would have worked as a pony MOD rather than a pony story.
I say this as a GM, you would be great. But with the most heartfelt sympathy, you will never be a real writer.
Anonymous
d7d3e05
?
No.330600
330601
>>330581
But I don't want to do tabletop RPGs. I want to make video games. Fanfiction is a hobby.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.330601
330606
>>330600
Vidya could work, but the market is oversaturated, and 'autistic AF' isnt a marketable selling point for a coder
Anonymous
d7d3e05
?
No.330606
330630
>>330601
But I'm not selling myself as a coder. I'm selling the games I'm making solo.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.330630
330651
>>330606
So, whos your target audience?
Anonymous
d7d3e05
?
No.330651
330653 330719 331603
>>330630
The pokemon game is for geniuses ready for a higher-IQ pokemon experience, the sonic game is accessible in its gameplay to accomodate beginners and story-wise it's for my fellow adventurebros (boostfags go to a layer of hell where they run forever down a coridoor that looks like Green Hill while going nowhere due to their meaningless fixed speed. Lmao jk boost is fine adventure is just 50x better), and the original game I'm working on is for me and anyone with my highly niche tastes. I know some people and some teams have spent years working on pokemon fangames, but I plan on repeating none of their mistakes so it's fine.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.330653
>>330651
Good answer
Anonymous
0ba5c9e
?
No.330719
>>330651
>X work is for all the Spic & Shorty loving cuckolds that need to be told how the plot goes through MY selective niche marketing and super unrelateable injokes
>Y work is for all those power fantasy furfags I personally know that won't be (((offended))) by m-muh flagellated normieness
>Z work is for all the hyper-sensitive furfaggots that don't yet consider me a complete niggershit even though I !!totally am!!

There, fixed your fursecution complex lies.
Anonymous
0ba5c9e
?
No.330726
330767 330878
1503287600272-2.jpg
>>329984
>I don't think this is something that can be fixed without mod intervention.
That has been the defining conundrum since I chose to come here a little over 3 years ago. I would absolutely love to get into the core of this thread, IF IT WERE NOT FOR THE CONSTANT AUTISTISPERGING OF NIGGEL. Of the >20,000,000 words I wrote for old /mlp/ (and for a CERTAIN thread here the XX million or so), it is virtually impossible to TRY and help someone with their brainblock, braindrain, writer's block, lack of motivation, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc., without that fucking dipshit involving himself as if he was the greatest author to have ever lived!

I'll be clear, this once: I did not hate you at all until a certain event last year, which you should damned well remember. Before my previous PC's hard drive died, I trawled every single conversation relating to /mlpol/. The more I came to realize how much of a control freak you were, the more my lack of care slowly became absolute, true hatred upon recognizing you were the one protecting Nigel and his pigshit insanity from any real consequences. Equally as bad, what I've come to recognize is you do not understand lacking awareness of, and being unable to mediate, along with ignoring this board's social dynamics has crippled any topical discussion that should be had.

Why are you even allowing this event to happen, lotus? Laziness? I would understand that. I've burned myself out of every single topic that I wrote for the past 9 years. At times I wake up, look at my PC, and wonder if I COULD ever finish the stories that were started. I hate that. I hate feeling complacent that 'well, maybe it shouldn't be finished since most people here are intelligent enough to finish the ending on their own'. Is it mere decadence, do you like seeing drama unfold? That I would also understand: the Late Greek Empire era showed that drama can be GOOD for people to witness so that they can learn from it, but this.. actual madness has gone on far too damned long. Do you honestly want to fix this entire situation, lotus? Then do the job you have been entrusted to by all the users of this site: get rid of Nigel for his consistently insane, never-makes-a-single-valid-point, gaslighting-for-numulp-is-great-for-flavor, bootlicking leftiness.

I don't even know who the fuck hclegend was or what he did but if you can't come to an honest decision, I will damned sure BECOME better than him if doing so makes even the slightest improvement. Make. the. correct. choice.

>>329987
Post 328456 was me. I'm not only pissed that lotus specifically chose to delete that post, which exposed his past behaviors and bias, I'm disappointed at the lack of basic decency given the 50+ anons that want Nigel gone. In the past hour, that fact alone has made me rethink ever coming to this site, especially given the painfully ignorant insult lotus gave for my 3-day ban.

>>329990
Ninjas, I sincerely apologize for how I treated you last year, and, by extension, a certain artistic person that you knew exceptionally well whom was suffering from unwarranted life problems. I cannot knowlingly apologize for every iota of harm that burning the bridge from you to me has caused. I made that choice willingly in accordance to how shit was going at the time. I regret making that choice now as nothing will heal those scars.

>>330304
Thank you, sir. You've cut down what I have had to state about Niggel to 8 total sentences. And, no, it's been (according to several posters in this thread) 4+ years of that furfag futa-apologist tranny being here without ever being banned, even temporarily. But, at this point, I'm finding it almost impossible to find a shred of empathy for most people. It's draining to consider being here.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.330767
330878
>>330726
/)
>>>/sp/18916 →
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.330775
>>330774
>>>/sp/18917 →
Stop derailing. Theres no excuse anymore. Theres plenty of off topic, vent, sperg threads, some of which youre OP of. If you cant cross-board link and keep appropriate material in the appropriate threads, you will be censured. Not staff, thats not a threat, its an observation. Take it as you will.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.330787
>>330786
>>>/sp/18918 →
Stop derailing
Anonymous
d7d3e05
?
No.330832
An idea occured.

You know how a ton of stories have the hero refuse the call because he's not yet ready to save anyone?

My Sparky story has Sparky happily accept Twilight's call to adventure and go to see her, after living his daily life, which tells the audience the Nobles are bad.

But... Is Sparky only accepting the invitation to be a hero because I want to go on an adventure with Twilight and save the world?

What if Sparky rejected Twilight's offer and yelled in Twilight's face, calling her a faggot and pointing out faults in FE in the process? He could prove he's not ready to save anyone yet, and the day could convince him it's time to go with Twilight and risk everything anyway.

But what is left to save? FE takes place 200 years after Equestrian schizophrenic liberalism doomed the world yet it persists wherever Kkat treated it like the only good option in a neverending struggle against every childish cartoonish depiction of everything a libtard would mention if asked to define "evil": racism(enclave and Goddess) slavery(Red Eye), and pooping outside of a toilet or litterbox or designated shitting street(Raiders). There is nothing alive 200 years later the "heroes" of FE meaningfully fight against connected to the end of Equestria. Trixie survived the apocalypse in name only, "The Goddess" acts not like a Twilight and Trixie fusion gone mad but like a generic cackling baddie badly imitating The Master from F1. No matter how many sick fight scenes some shotgun-toting murderhobo could get into 200 years after Equestria is ashes, he can't make everything go back to normal no matter how many fights he wins even though Kkat pretends otherwise so his murderhobo can sacrifice herself for a fake happy ending once he got sick of writing FE.

The best thing Sparky can do for his people is get the bomb collars deactivated and kill all the Nobles to free his home, then seek to build a better world in the ashes of the old world by remembering the life lessons taught by the failure of liberalism and cuckservativism and democracy and big governments... Or time travel to before the war to prevent it from ever happening, like Trunks going back in time to give The Z-Fighters the cure for Goku's AIDS and a heads-up on who the next season's baddie is. But what kind of a story would that make? The hero portals back and talks sense into ponies and then kills all ziggers then fades away with a smile on his face now that history has been changed for the better. That's not a story, that's a meme.

I know my last character was Silver from years ago. But should this character really be Silver from 06?
Lotus
## Admin
0000000
?
No.330878
331026
7bd1fe6e3d3bb99ac210ab5ad8d6fc7d.jpg
>>330726
>IF IT WERE NOT FOR THE CONSTANT AUTISTISPERGING OF NIGGEL.
I do understand your frustration towards Nigel, yes.

>I did not hate you at all until a certain event last year, which you should damned well remember
I don't, no. Yes, I remember many of the things that happened last year, but I have no idea what one incident is the basis of your grudge, what it has to do with you, or why you care. I don't recall ever seeing or interacting with you before you started acting like I fucked your wife and pissed in your cereal. If you want to hate me for reasons, that's fine, I don't really care. But please understand I don't fucking know who you are.

>protecting Nigel and his pigshit insanity from any real consequences
Okay, let's work towards curbing the more obnoxious behavior. I agree with what I believe is the basic gist of your post which is that the previous staff response has been inadequate and there needs to be a change.

>get rid of Nigel for his consistently insane, never-makes-a-single-valid-point, gaslighting-for-numulp-is-great-for-flavor, bootlicking leftiness.
An outright permanent ban, I think, is not necessary, good, or enforceable. Limited term bans for specific behavior, however, may be fruitful. You notice how Nigel shuts up when mod intervention is possible. So I think something can be done, or at least attempted.

>I'm not only pissed that lotus specifically chose to delete that post, which exposed his past behaviors and bias
I deleted all posts relating to the argument that had been made in the thread within the past week. I don't think that anyone questions your claims that Nigel is narcistic etc., so I don't think the post is necessary. It didn't convince Nigel, in any event, and everyone else is already convinced.

>painfully ignorant insult
I apologize for my insensitivity. In my job I have had to work with and try to get help for very many persons suffering from mental illness and I do understand how it causes people to suffer, and how little help is available for such persons in the United States. So I do apologize.

>3 day ban
It was a one day ban, and to be very frank, your belligerence towards all posters on this website is at least as obnoxious as Nigel's belief that he is the greatest art critic in human history.

>4+ years of that furfag futa-apologist tranny being here without ever being banned, even temporarily
He has been banned on at least one occasion that I can remember. The thing is, Nigel actually does stop, at least momentarily, when warned. So he's been given many warnings.

Thank you for your more measured and reasonable response here. I do however have to agree with >>330767 that the proper thread for this discussion is on /sp/

Also, I'm deleting two Nigel posts, FYI.

Nigel, stop that shit
Anonymous
d7d3e05
?
No.331026
331027
>>330878
I came here wanting my fic reviewed.
But if you think there's some other way I should act that would prevent these situations in the future, can you tell me what that is?
If a hater starts screeching every insult he knows at me trying to derail threads, how should I respond? How can I get the thread back on topic to be about writing and writing discussion?
I'm tired of those Nigelposters too.
Anonymous
f6f5f09
?
No.331027
331044
glimmerniggers.jpg
>>331026
Anonymous
6d1db3c
?
No.331043
>>331042
>>>/sp/18952 →
Anonymous
d7d3e05
?
No.331044
331045 331046
>>331027
Why was this not removed?
Fasces
!!khOCBthFb6
34fe5ee
?
No.331045
331046 331097
7603D4B6-032F-4DEC-B5F0-A16413AA2079.jpg
>>331044
Because it is a meme. You are on thin ice if you want us to remove anything and everything negative about you and your story. This behavior is unbecoming, and this is your last warning. You will not demand that people be censored on this platform. Do I make myself clear?
Fasces
## Mod
0000000
?
No.331046
derpytech.png
>>331045
>>331044
I wasn't signed in, but you get the point.
Anonymous
94e0d6e
?
No.331070
based ai.png
Becausefuck it
Here's a reading shirpost recommendation of foriegn works
SSS Class Suicide Hunter (the translation team and the original author are fucking eloquint. It's a joy for the word usage and linking flow stuff. This nailed charactoirizing, story flow, showing with telling that works.)
Minor plot points and plotholes that arn't addressed due to still being in production. It's not finished.
s://woopread.com/series/sss-class-suicide-hunter/chapter-1/

Ending Maker
(One remark about ((())). Basically power couple doing shit. Doing power fantasy then doing powee fantasy. It's good for what it is bonus points for off handidly mentioning the odd entwinement with business and politics.) This one is finished.

FFF-Class Trash hero
(Everyone is an unlucky dumb fucker except they aren't, except for those who are. Is entertaining in the low brow expressing of 'one' trick. Succeeding.) This one is also finished.
Wait a fucking second it's all power fantasy schlock. Yes, but they succeeded in other aspects as well.)
Anonymous
d7d3e05
?
No.331097
331098
>>331045
I do not want anything negative or positive about my story removed. I hate censorship. It was a genuine question, I'm sorry if it sounded like an attack.
Anonymous
d7d3e05
?
No.331098
>>331097
I've been thinking about how so many great protagonists have a conflict of interest somewhere in their tale.

Avatar Aang wanted to be a normal kid and a good Air Nomad monk but had to be The Avatar and defeat the Fire Lord.
Edward Elric wanted to get his limbs and his brother's body back but had to serve the State as a State Alchemist.
Ruby Rose has no conflict as she simply does as she is told by those she decides to follow.
And Silver Star has no conflict as he is simply an overpowered cunt who likes Twilight.

If I am to write a good protagonist, it's not enough that he gets involved in conflicts like the quest to gather a few important items first. He has to have an internal conflict like the desire to be doing anything else right now, or an external conflict like duties and responsibilities getting in the way of what he wants to do with his life. Right?
Anonymous
d7d3e05
?
No.331224
331225
What conflict is intrinsic to the world of FIM?
Ponies just sort of live ordinary lives unless extraordinary circumstances present a problem only main characters can solve.
Then main characters solve it for everyone else.
Sometimes ponies aren't sure what to do with their lives for a while but nopony is ever... drafted, for example.
Perhaps if my OC was military it could create conflict in his life by giving him responsibilities that pull him away from waifu and fun adventures?
Then again Equestria's military is kind of a joke. Plus making him military would make him stronger and I'm trying to nerf him to be less OP.
Anonymous
27b7dbc
?
No.331225
>>331224
>Then again Equestria's military is kind of a joke.
Equestria doesn't need brute force.
You are underestimating the power of magic.
Anonymous
2b6ec5b
?
No.331383
331389 331391
In case, anyone's interested, a shitstorm is brewing in fim-fiction thread at /mlp/, apparently trannies and faggots fighting over some garbage related to a shit fic or collection of fics, i dunno

https://boards.4channel.org/mlp/thread/38096893#p38099065
Anonymous
27b7dbc
?
No.331389
>>331383
>shitstorm
On my way.
Anonymous
d7d3e05
?
No.331391
>>331383
God, that fimfic general is homosexual. They never provide any arguments for whether futa is gay or not, they're just actual homosexuals/actual trannies who literally have a fetish for shoving their degeneracy in your face and then spitting in your face by calling it normal. Arguing with them is like talking to a giggling homosexual junkie who doesn't even take the argument seriously and also fellates dogs.
If it was normal for human females to have four arms it would be normal to find that attractive. Same goes for if it was normal for human women to be futa. For insects that lay their eggs inside the bodies of others, this is normal. Female moles have cocks according to some book I once read. It would be normal for male moles to like that or at least not mind it. It would be normal for male birds to find female bird wings attractive. But humans? Humans will fuck horses and stick their dick in armpits and fantasize about fucking winged humans and werewolves and girls who are car-sized spiders from the waist down, and then say "At least I'm not turned on by feet. That would be weird".
Anonymous
2b6ec5b
?
No.331603
>>330651
Check this out

>>>/vx/158330 →
Anonymous
52543dc
?
No.332572
>>332570
lol didn't read the image first lmao
Anonymous
52543dc
?
No.332573
332621 332689
Dangerous Meme.gif
>>329457
>>329761
>>329978
>>330001
>>330007
>>330014
How you doin' fellow poners, got a lit somethin' for you guys https://ponepaste.org/6832 password: kaisereich117

I would really, really appreciate if you guys give it a shot and tell me what i got wrong and if i ever nailed something.
Big thanks to anyone who does!

I wish i could have released this sooner, but God knows i've been busy, i'd considered carefully the much needed advice and feedback the first part got, and i'd like to think this is an improvement.

That said, this is fundamentally different in the sense the last part revolved around fighting scenes with a pegasus an humanized pegasus that is, this in contrast, delves a little bit more into the world, the characters and stuff like that in what i like to think is an enjoyable read.

Anyways, i hope anyone who jumps in can have some fun.
Anonymous
52543dc
?
No.332621
>>332573
Oh my God...please ignore the typo-mistakes, was a lit more in a rush than last time, i'll try to fix them as soon as i get the chance

luckily they do not mess with the meaning but i was kinda looking for a smooth read.
Anonymous
6b0c54e
?
No.332631
332633
I was working on my pony fic again and it hit me... I don't think the serialized "One chapter for one episode" format would work as well as one big story paced like a good movie.
Also, I found a way to make Silver a deconstruction.
Anonymous
52543dc
?
No.332633
332635 332645
>>332631
I dunno mate, i think some anons in /mlp/ were rather put off by the long ass chapter i put out, they seem to be more willing to read shorter chapters, of course, my fist attemp had a lot of other issues, so i can't just wash my hands and conclude that it was simply a formatting issue.
Anonymous
e7ab86a
?
No.332635
>>332633
>not blaming the work's reception on the audience
Careful now, you sound like you're actually trying to improve
Anonymous
6b0c54e
?
No.332645
>>332633
Makes sense, I should still divide the work into chapters and arcs but the story itself should be one movie.
Anonymous
52543dc
?
No.332689
332692 332812
1643162258209.png
>>332573
Here's without cancer typo

https://ponepaste.org/6836

Password remains unchanged: kaisereich117

As always, i encourage everyone to offer your feedback, and i hope you have some fun!

>Inb4: u and ur fic gay
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.332692
332694 332709
>>332689
>Why does she has
4 words in, and I already found an error. Its not egregious, but dude.
Anonymous
52543dc
?
No.332694
notlookingoodpaco.gif
>>332692
That's...not a good start...
Anonymous
52543dc
?
No.332709
332722 332743
>>332692
So...am guessing you got either bored of put off by something...
I would appreciate if you give me a which and why if you don't mind me askin'

inb4: everything
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.332722
>>332709
A bit of both, but I'll get back to you tomorrow
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.332743
332768
>>332709
Im about 1/2 way through now, and the criticisms I have so far are minor. The 4-words mistake was one of phrasing, it should be 'Why does she have, but thats a minor conjugational error thats easily rectified (and just easily dismissed, ur ESL yes? Not a criticism). In fact, the lion's share of corrections have to do with slightly inaccurate terms; easily solved by a couple read-throughs by an editor.
I'd say the biggest criticism might not even apply, and that is to suggest more description.
The level of detail is acceptable for a pony fic, in which the audience can be assumed to be familiar with these characters. As a stand alone story where the audience is only being introduced to the characters, it could use some improvement. I will assume it is intended for the former, so that too is easily dismissed.
Is the pony audience to assume the story takes place prior/during Bacon's initial trip to barbie-land? If Im interpreting correctly, then I appreciate that the story involves an un-canonized time period from the story, requiring minimal head-canon allowance for the deviated storyline. Not a criticism, but I did have a bit of trouble keeping track of alot of the characters from Barbie-side, but that may just be me.
All in all, it isnt a waste of my time, thank you.
Anonymous
52543dc
?
No.332768
332796 332801
A2333F841FB232F39DC9C0756152885F-671675.png
>>332743
>As a stand alone story where the audience is only being introduced to the characters, it could use some improvement.
I may be tempted to get some weebs on board, thanks for pointing that out.
>Is the pony audience to assume the story takes place prior/during Bacon's initial trip to barbie-land?
Prior yes, i gave some clues every now and then, where is being implied that the wedding of the second season happened like two weeks ago.
>I did have a bit of trouble keeping track of alot of the characters from Barbie-side.
There are one or two OC's actually, that probably contributed.

>All in all, it isnt a waste of my time, thank you.
I am so, so glad to hear that, Poner.
It's really hard to know whether there's some redeeming value in what i wrote from my POV, so, thanks a lot poner.
And besides that, thanks a lot for your general feedback, i really appreciate it.
>ur ESL yes?
yes

>Im about 1/2 way through now
I'll gladly wait for the rest in case you have more to say, i hope you find the rest to be enjoyable.
Anonymous
8d2479e
?
No.332796
332797
>>332768
I'm glad you got someone to review it for you. I will still try to get around to it but it's hard. Sorry.
You could ask gg for some advice. I bet he'd love to help.
Anonymous
52543dc
?
No.332797
>>332796
No worries Sven, although each of you guys have different takes, as it showed in the first part i posted, so...if you get the chance, i'll be glad to hear your feedback, as always.

I don't think gg has much spare time either, but i guess now it's a good time to ask
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.332801
332804 332807 332809
>>332768
Okay first off, I spoke way too soon. You get much better about providing details for >hohooves than with ponies. I have no trouble visualizing the general storyline as it progresses, and you do a good job of making it feel more organic and authentic with mannerisms and descriptions of expression.
However. This feels more like an anime than a ponies. Specifically, the number of new/unknown characters (unless I missed some of the references) coupled with a much more,... uh,... ambitious?! story than I was expecting from a pony fic. Its decent, I found it entertaining, but the degree of shift in scope between ponies and hoomuns was a little jarring and hard to grasp at first. There are some - what I would describe as - missed opportunity for elaboration on a few things, should you be interested in narrating anyone's thoughts, but I can understand going for an observation-based narration as well. Theres also an opportunity to describe sounds (especially footfalls on specific surfaces; the tink of boots on metal verses the clap of sneakers on pavement) and smells (faint to overpowering pleasant fragrances/aromas and odors/stenches).
All in all, there are sections that need editing and phrasing (greatly in some areas, ngl) and I think the story could be drawn out to about 2x the length through elaboration, explanation of relevant things that were left more vague than Id have liked, and rephrasing of things that could have been more compelling. I need to reread some sections to give thematic advice, but I finished it thinking it could easily have been a parallel dimension scenario like in the glimmer time travel finale.
Still, a little over the top for a pony fic.
Anonymous
52543dc
?
No.332804
>>332801
Alright, first of all, thanks for all the feedback, i truly appreciate you took the time.
>I need to reread some sections to give thematic advice
And am really looking forward for that, thanks again anon.

>However. This feels more like an anime than a ponies.
I want to focus primarily on this
>I finished it thinking it could easily have been a parallel dimension scenario like in the glimmer time travel finale.
And this, so let me write somethin' down
Anonymous
52543dc
?
No.332807
332810
>>332801
I am not sure if i understood correctly...so, just to be sure
.
Do you think it's both too complex, and too vague as it is?
Anonymous
52543dc
?
No.332809
>>332801
I was about to blogpost about what drove me to write this, but i realise no one asked me to do so...anyways, i think am going to wait for your reply.

i'll be out for a few hours
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.332810
332817
>>332807
What I mean is, there are times where alot of things are happening that arent being sufficiently described. This especially during the climax. Yes, a brief summary of sequence is given, and granted its an intense scene involving fast paced action and dialogue, but I feel you could add form by taking your time a bit with descriptions, specifically scenery. I can well enough visualize the actions going on with the characters, but the background is more,... unrealized? Like when one is running across the top of the castle, are there ramparts to one side, whizzing by or something?
When walking in solitude down a hallway, does the sound of footsteps echo? Not only would answering these questions descriptivrly aid in the visualization of what is happening in the moment, but it helps build a mental scene in which the actions take place.
The dialogue is good, bit theres nothing of what theyre doing as they dialogue. People gesticulate and their body moves, especially when excited or agitated.
As for too much detail, I use the example of the Imperial Trident.
What the hell is that? I get that its a personal transport(?) but its only mentioned once and never elaborated on.
Anonymous
58ae3ba
?
No.332812
332817
>>332689
I'm in the middle of reading it, I find it enjoyable. although there a few grammatical errors, that's no big deal(to me at least)
Over all, Very Good job mexibro.
Anonymous
52543dc
?
No.332817
332818
Pajama Aryanne.png
>>332810
In hindsight, that was kind of an obvious question, sorry, i was in a hurry and i should have probably refrained from replying.
That said, i appreciate how specific you were here, so it was worth asking.
>I use the example of the Imperial Trident.
I see...yup, it needs quite some work. I am glad i didn't went straight and posted it on 4mlp like last time

>>332812
Hey! thanks!, i hope you have fun with the rest.
And feel free to point out any shortcomings, issues and mistakes you find.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.332818
332820 333503
>>332817
My pleasure. Ill continue to look it over for ideas and insights, and later on Ill set aside time to go through some of the grammar/phrasing.
Anonymous
52543dc
?
No.332820
avatars-000307450890-0q58vb-t500x500.jpg
>>332818
Absolutely appreciated fren!, glad to count on ya!
Anonymous
6b0c54e
?
No.332847
332850 332873
I wanted to try writing something homosexual, so I did.
But then an actual homosexual reviewed it and gave useful feedback, which surprised me.
Anyway, what do you think of this?

https://ponepaste.org/6843
password: TwilightsAsshole
sage
sage
27b7dbc
?
No.332850
332858 332868
mlp-rainbow-dash-bait.jpg
>>332847
Anonymous
613c6bf
?
No.332858
>>332850
Bump
Why are you saging the write thread?
Anonymous
6b0c54e
?
No.332868
332872
>>332850
I wrote it to troll the gays. To my surprise they responded positively to it. I don't know what to do with this information.
Anonymous
9ba5c7e
?
No.332872
oh_no.jpg
>>332868
Anonymous
45bdff5
?
No.332873
332880 332881
yes yes yes.gif
>>332847
Holy shit dude.
In my opinion, this is the second best thing you have written, that I have read.
Have only read half of it so far but already I like it.
The dialogue isn't in walls of text and the story is mostly about the characters not some meta commentary. In other words, the dialogue is short, or rather, sensible length and it switches between character after one is done speaking, instead of having one dominate the scene. And while there are still meta moments and humour it's used sparingly, which if meta is your style this is probably the way to go. Also, while I don't really think that the dialogue really fits the characters, some of it does and there's a clear effort into trying to inject some life and character to the scene. Look at this:
>“Now, as long as I can maintain my concentration, this spell will stay up,” Twilight beamed proudly.
<Rainbow Dash kissed Twilight, who melted into the kiss like butter into the battle scars of a formerly non-stick frying pan. The shield spell, forgotten, broke apart.
>When RD pulled back for air, Twilight tried the spell again, only for a march of kisses across her neck to throw her concentration off again.
<“C-can't you stop for ten seconds?” Twilight giggled as she snuggled snugly into her lover's bed.
>“Nine seconds is my absolute limit!” Rainbow referenced hilariously.
Fucking meta-humour inception in the end. It's fine though. In this particular case, it's kinda funny actually but what I wanted to put a spotlight on here is that Twi loses her concentration when RD kisses her because she can't hold herself back and Twi is both bothered by RD because she is interupted in putting up her shield but at the same time, enjoys the attention RD gives her, or maybe I'm reading too much into it.
Point is that it actually reads like a story. There's a red thread which the story takes seriously and that we move along with.
Good job poner!
Although, fuck fags but in my brain I have always compartlized (unless that's just a rationalization) shipping faggotry between mares into another folder.
Anonymous
6b0c54e
?
No.332880
>>332873
With that kissing scene I wanted to specify that Twilight could have pushed RD away but chose not to. The strongest mare alive just giggles and asks her lover to stop with the adorable kissing without really meaning it.
I thought about pausing the story to spell out to the audience "Twilight was a strong pony. She lifted many heavy things in the past, like that time in the show like in season 15 episode 5 where she lifts sixteen islands the size of Manhattan mathematically calculated to weigh over 69,000,000 tons. She totally could have put a stop to this if she wanted to. But she likes physical attention" using a paragraph of text where nothing relevant to the plot happens but I trusted viewers to remember what Twilight's capable of and figure the scene out for themselves.
Anonymous
45bdff5
?
No.332881
>>332873
>(unless that's just a rationalization)
That was a joke. It was suppose to be a kinda inb4 someone tells my I rationalize and I pretend to admit to that possibility.
Anonymous
c9c843b
?
No.332898
332928 332948 332957 332958
After playing and replaying Unsafe Harbor, a part of FNV The Frontier so incredible I wish it was released separately so its existence wouldn't be overshadowed by the degeneracy of The Frontier(progressive woke Legion, perverted drug-addicted lizard-woman sewer sluts, female mormon Crusaderhood Of Steel, America the asian young-looking girl you can enslave with a few cruel words, libtard creators, women in the NCR's top squad Wolfpack, anti-Enclave bullshit and a Nazi doctor who wants to gas the planet) I have to say...
fuck Fallout Equestria.
I've probably said that so often people are getting sick of hearing it.
But this story in The Frontier where you're forced into a slave fighting arena has so much depth to it.
You don't just fight a series of guys and then walk out the door.
You have to escape. Find shit to help you escape. Talk to people.
so many characters have secrets to hide and ways they can help.
So many opportunities for roleplaying and characterization.
Being the good guy isn't easy here.
FE had the ingredients. Red Eye has a thunderdome. LP spends time serving under him and later has to fight a slave in one. (but LP just pulls off 3 never-before-accomplished bullshit feats of OPness at once, flying telekinetically while carrying her slave opponent while lockpicking a lock she cannot see from the inside without any lockpicking tools while levitating radioactive liquid to form a bulletproof shield around her, so she can escape the unthreatening situation with her fake morals and overpowered body intact. It's pure BS but the time LP levitated grenades into a foes mouth and pulled the pin is used to excuse picking a lock effortlessly under stress from the inside psychically without being able to see or hear said lock and levitating other shit)
Later the party meets a random nameless raider group in the middle of nowhere they kill because the raiders made kids fight to the death for no reason. Where did the kids come from? Dunno lol. It's all just a big joke. Bad setup for a bad joke, and the maudlin bullshit is the punchline.
Fuck fallout equestria.
But this quest in The Frontier might be the greatest modded quest I've ever played in FNV.
fuck it, it's definitely the best. Sorry, Bounties Series, you've been replaced and your ending with the edgelord OC fucking my characters hands up was shit.
Writing advice: Nothing displays a character's characterization quite like testing it. Putting a gun to a mans head or an exploding shock collar around his throat and seeing how far he's willing to go for his own sake, for his morals, for his freedom. Is he willing to die with a smile for the sake of saying he did nothing wrong, because he did nothing? Or is he willing to rise and fight? FNV modding this good makes me want to give my old mod plans another revision and try finishing it this time.
Anonymous
6e36c99
?
No.332928
332930 332933 332948
560.png
>>332898
Anonymous
5b4489f
?
No.332930
>>332928
Based Canada Bro
Anonymous
27b7dbc
?
No.332933
>>332928
KEK
Anonymous
7676d5f
?
No.332948
332957
>>332898
I know you're not being sarcastic but I can't help but to wonder...
>>332928
Yeah, that image sums it up pretty well.
Anonymous
e0c0bca
?
No.332957
332962
>>332898
>>332948
Actually, when I think about it. I think I did say that you could bring your F:E rants over here instead of cluttering the GG thread up with them and since I'm OP here I'd just assumed I could make such a decision retroactively. Thinking about it now though, I probably would like to keep this thread focus on the original intent as read in the OP, to help facilitate one's own work.
But my bad. You should probably make your own thread for this commentary on F:E.
Anonymous
52543dc
?
No.332958
>>332898
See>>332957

Believe it or not, i actually enjoy your long posts and it has been the case for a few years now, but i can absolutely see why anons despise this behaviour
Anonymous
24213b6
?
No.332962
333049
>>332957
I don't intend to re-review the whole thing and I don't know when these flashes of inspiration will strike. Experiencing a "hero forced into gladiator games" story done right made me realize how much potential the idea holds and how much potential FNV squandered and for what reason: because hyping up Littlesue with deus ex machinas and flying out of danger with a new nonconsensually-recruited slavegirl companion was more important to the author than actually putting the character in genuine mortal danger and seeing what a toll, if any, real danger can take on her psyche and morals. Of course Kkat and LP would have to understand morality beyond vague buzzwords to pull that off, so it never could have happened.
Anonymous
48c8fd4
?
No.333036
333049 333072
Screenshot_20220204-043406_Brave.jpg
Can Intro Quotes be good?

And does Sonic Chronicles start with a good Intro Quote? Pic related, it's the intro quote.

The "Great Civilization" the quote hints at turns out to be what the story is about. The ancient bad echidnas got sealed inside the Ghost Zone but they're escaping. Does this count as foreshadowing?

I know FE didn't have any good intro quotes.

FE took random lines from the show or from Fallouts 1/2/3/NV and "referenced them" by dumping them into the start of the story without any attributation or meaningful connection to the events of the story.

At best it's vaguely relevant, like the line "Your religion is gay bullshit" followed by a chapter where it turns out some underdeveloped flat one-note villain has a generic halfbaked evil religion of badness or whatever.

But almost every chapter in FE would just start with a random line like "Nobody's dick is that long, not even Long Dick Johnson. And he had a long dick, hence the name" followed by a chapter where LDJ does not show up or feature or matter at all. It's just there so halfnigger midwits can point and gasp and clap when they know what something is. Fuck FE.

Anonymous
a6642b1
?
No.333049
1643946399159.jpg
>>332962
>>333036
Anonymous
48c8fd4
?
No.333072
>>333036
*Twilight Cage
not the Ghost Zone that's a Danny Phantom thing
Anonymous
d9e19ad
?
No.333202
333257
>Be Fair Star.
>On your back lays a dufflebag and around your zinc-grey hooves are tight, white ribbons.
>Your white mane is obscured in a black hoodie and the rest of the cloak goes half the way down to your hooves.
>You walk down some stairs and into a lower garage floor for vagons.
>You seem to be the only one around here.
>That's when you hear hoofsteps behind you.
>You turn around and see a yellow pegasi filly.
>She has a red mohawk-styled mane and short tail that spread out into many spikey bangs.
>Your red eyes meet hers.
>"I thought I'd find you here," she says. "We need to settle our fight."
>You sigh.
"There's no reason for us to fight. I just needed the price money, nothing else," you say back.
>She smirks and then flies and lands on right in your path.
>"Well, I didn't. I want to know that I'm the top dog when it comes to maretial arts." She flared her wings and strecthed her back like a cat. "If you don't wanna fight me for real, I hope you are ready for a beating."
>She made herself airborne with a flap of her wings that spread feathers everywhere; then while in air, she spun around and threw her leg towards your face.
>You jumped back and barely managed to move your head to the side to duck the leg.
>As you grinned to a halt, she landed on her fours.
"Are you crazy?" you ask.
To be continued.
Anonymous
48c8fd4
?
No.333257
333740
>>333202
Cool story, where does it go from here?
Anonymous
52543dc
?
No.333503
333796
howsitgoin.gif
>>332818
Hey, how you doin' there, partner!

Any updates?
Anonymous
48c8fd4
?
No.333652
333670
Are you sick of Liar Reveal scenes yet?
Anonymous
52543dc
?
No.333670
1643462265656.png
>>333652
wdym?
Anonymous
d9b7b19
?
No.333740
333795
>>333257
It sorta inspired by this, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YhvYJh7Aqs0
Don't know if I finish it though. Maybe.
Anonymous
52543dc
?
No.333795
>>333740
That's pretty funz, hope you can carry on with it
Anonymous
52543dc
?
No.333796
333808
sosad.png
>>333503
Am starting to think he'll left me hanging
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.333808
333809
>>333796
If you mean me, then no you havent. Theres plenty to say but I havent formulated how to say it yet. I will soon, but the remi der did help.
Anonymous
52543dc
?
No.333809
334245
65ED48D33DEFB1BD0419E9443E35CB5D-962786.gif
>>333808
I get it, no problem here, you can take your time.
Hope you doin' well, and am looking forward to it.
Anonymous
48c8fd4
?
No.334006
334013 334260
This is the thread where we talk about writing, right?
The disney Star Wars sequel trilogy is shit.
But that one scene where Rey identifies the problem on Han's ship (the mint-condition Millennium Falcon just hanging around in the middle of nowhere with keys in the ignition and no apparent owner) faster than he can and fixes it by yanking something out was really retarded.
Every scene is retarded. But that scene could be turned into solid characterization so easily...

If the ship started beeping and this confused Rey
only for Han to say there's a problem with the Hyperdrive circuitboard, which hasn't been replaced in years.
she looks around in confusion as he seeks it out to prove he knows the ship like the back of his hand...
Rey starts talking, asking questions
Han says "Be quiet, I need to recalibrate the circuitboard. One wrong move here and the ship blows up"
He fucks around with wires as the cinematography gets tense and the beeping gets faster, especially if he makes a mistake that quickens the beeping
Rey reaches over and cuts the knot by yanking the circuitboard out, damaging wires.
She is proud of what she did.
Han is pissed. "You just removed this ship's ability to travel through Hyperspace. Now we're slower!"
"But I saved everyone aboard the ship!"
"I could have fixed it," Han grumbles. She looks skeptical. He is an old man after all, and he was cutting it dangerously close to the wire, though that novel pun (heh) is lost on the big screen. "Now we need to stop for repairs, which will take even longer!"
"At least we're not dead!" Rey insists.
"You know what your problem is?" Han leans in. "You're a blunt instrument. You know how to break things from a lifetime of scavenging but what do you know about fixing anything?"
She looks hurt. She doesn't know how to fix things very well. Or maybe she was fixing up a piece of shit spaceship in her house that got destroyed forcing her to steal the Millennium Falcon which was a literal museum piece tourist trap thing on a planet that's not just another desert planet but a desert planet littered with space wreckage and museums about it. "What I did was the safe option!" She insists.
"Like waiting around on a desert planet for ninteteen years hoping mommy and daddy come home to pick you up instead of getting into space, becoming your own person, and making your own destiny?" Han asks.
She runs off in tears. "I'll never speak to you again!"
Chewbacca makes a Chewbacca noise.
"She's a big girl, she can handle the truth." Han dismisses.
Scene cuts to her crying in some bedroom like a big girl.
Chewbacca makes his noise again.
"Fine, I'll talk to her." He goes over and talks to her. And says "I changed my mind, kid. What you did was the smart option. So, what was it like on Jaku?"
she talks back after a while.
and they bond over their shared lack of parents and desire to be more than that.
Han says "I thought you said you'd never speak to me again"
Rey says "I changed my mind, old man"
and this is a call back to the time Han said "I changed my mind, kid" in this movie and when he said that in the classic ones.
They open up to each other.
She asks him to teach her how to fix ships.
The ship makes it to a space station meant for repairing ships. Was a military base during the Clone Wars but fell apart over the years and was used by the Resistance for a while too.
He teaches her how to fix ships in a montage where they bond and fix up the Millennium Falcon to its classic mint-condition self.
Eventually he gives her the Millennium Falcon and it feels earned.

I think that scene would work wonders for making Rey an actual character instead of a boring invincible omnipotent Ma-Rey Sue so sueish she makes the original Mary Picard Janeway Sue look like nothing.

Should really also add in a scene where, on the desert planet, Finn and Rey get attacked and overwhelmed by Sand People but Rey gets possessed by the force Avatar State style, she kicks ass but scares people and breaks important shit. And scares herself. Rey never asked to be the chosen one.
Maybe if Rey was spending her whole life building a ship out of scavenged parts hoping to explore the galaxy, that could get destroyed during her Force Tantrum to symbolize how being Rey Skywalker Solo Palpatine Janeway Picard Sue and all this responsibility and power thrust upon her takes her away from being "Just Rey".
That conflict, I reckon, could make her an actual character while still keeping the retarded invincible disney princess intact by the end as a board room likely insisted on that.
Anonymous
e51363a
?
No.334013
334035 334260
>>334006
rey is a mary sue. but she is attractive so i would have sex with her.
Anonymous
48c8fd4
?
No.334035
334042 334260
>>334013
Are you shitting me? Black Widow is attractive. Or she was in the last MCU film I saw before I gave up on the series (Ultron). Rey is a plain and average-looking woman with an unappealing hairstyle and bland grey clothing. She has tiny tits and nowhere near enough ass or thigh and her acting skills seem to begin and end at opening her eyes wide and speaking, sometimes shaking her head a little or speaking with emphasis. Default options on character creation screens look more interesting. A corporation board room decided the most grey girl alive should play the most grey Jedi alive named Rey wearing grey until they decided not to rip off the Grey Jedi name.

That woman from Rogue One is way cuter. Something something trench run womp rats sex joke.
Anonymous
e51363a
?
No.334042
334218 334260
>>334035
>Are you shitting me?
No, i would make sweet passionate love to her.
Anonymous
48c8fd4
?
No.334218
334260
>>334042
Ok then. I still think the girl from Rogue One was cuter.
Also when Han and Rey are arguing during the spaceship fix scene, that would be a great time for Rey to say "The odds of you fixing that part are-"
and then he could say "Never tell me the odds" because that is a thing he said in the original Star Wars.
And then the entire fanbase clapped. Well, anyone still reading fanfics instead of defending Disney Wars's shit writing on twitter.
Another subtle nostalgic call back concealed in plain sight. That's how you get the retarded nostalgia-blind consoomer to like your product: as many call-backs as possible no matter how tasteless or forced.
When they see what they recognize, they clap.
Hell, I could probably slip "This is where the fun begins" and "I've got a bad feeling about this" in there. He says the latter when he hears the beeping and the former when he starts fucking with the thing Rey pulls out.
Maybe "Not to worry, we're still flying half a ship could fit in there...
Rey could say "What would your force ghost say to Luke if you blew us up with that stunt? Maybe 'Not to worry, we're still flying half a ship!'"
and "That's no moon, that's a space station" when they get to the spaceship repair station. When they dock in the space station he could say "Another happy landing".
If I wanted to get really obnoxious Han could try and end the argument by saying "It's over, Rey! I have the high ground".
And when she says he couldn't fix the thing he says "You underestimate my power".
Yeah. That could work. That could make the shit I wrote here even worse. I love it.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.334245
334258
>>333809
At the risk ignominy, I think Ill pass. Its rather enervating to make a serious effort, only to watch as its buried under pile after pile of shit from anons who by this point have no excuse for their behavior, aided and abetted by the tacit acceptance of a staff who,...
tl;dr Sorry, but nah.
Anonymous
8c410bd
?
No.334258
334259
872984.png
>>334245
I know i've said this before, but i sure wish i had posted at a more opportune time, i at least hoped the drama wouldn't drag on and on and on and on and on
But it is what it is. besides, i should have known he was going to drop the walltexts ITT regardless
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.334259
334264 334351
>>334258
Its not just him, if Im being perfectly honest. As a big fan of the Critical Drinker, I am enamored by one of his positions wrt to any new media; does this story need to be told? Unfortunately, every fan-fic Ive given any amount of time results in an overwhelming 'no', with varying levels of intensity depending on how much effort the author put in.
So far the closest to a 'yes' was the Groundhog Day fic, but even that fell short of any standard of quality that would make it something I would suggest to someone as anything other than a practical joke.
And thats an accusation I could level at pretty much every fanfic subset of a particular fandom.
Your story isnt horrible, but its hard to follow at times. The action scenes are alright, but they transition at a blinding speed that forces the reader (or me, at least) to have to reread sections to ultimately arrive at an idea(?) of what just happened, hoping that what comes next illustrates better what just happened, or just resigning to not really get one part, and moving on to the next.
Im not trying to discourage you, especially if you find the act of writing rewarding; I am however saying that Im not sure I can help transition the story from where it is to where it would be more appealing, given that I dont take fanfics seriously in general.
Anonymous
94e0d6e
?
No.334260
1880516.jpeg
>>334006
>>334013
>>334035
>>334042
>>334218
>will ask you to kindly take this discussion to another thread or more fitting board, even perhaps. As an actual sugguestion, not a hidden insult. You and another Anon might discover something really intresting to talk about so why not create a thread about it?
Please, if you want to talk about 'improving' Holyweird, or faggotry, or other shithole works how about making a different thread.
Anonymous
8c410bd
?
No.334264
334266 334267
1643699511140.png
>>334259
It's okay anon, i for one appreciate all the input you gave and the time you spend doing so, it has been helpful specially because it fits with previous critique from Sven . I also appreciate that you announced your intention to stop rather than keeping me waiting.
>The Critical Drinker
Seen him, pretty good content

>does this story need to be told?
Here comes the big one.
I could be wrong, but very few times in my life, do i have as much confidence in something as i do about this story i really need someone trust-worthy to disclose certain details on private, i think am going crazy keeping this stuff for myself
Of course, intent largely ends where execution begins, i do however love this particular "intent" so much, that if time proves am unable to properly bring this to life, i will try to hand this to someone else who's more fit to do so.
I don't care who ends up writing this, but i do want to see it shared for everyone to see.

I hope this doesn't age badly
Anonymous
8c410bd
?
No.334266
334267
1642183872034.png
>>334264
To this effect, Nigel once said something along the lines of "A true Narcissist would sail off to write a fic so pretentiously grandiose that it would be impossible for it to exist outside of his mind" i am NOT attacking you, anon. Chill out please
Maybe this will prove to be a pointless endeavour, but i can cope with that, i've done it before and continue to do so, however, i cannot bear the idea that i've never tried.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.334267
334268 334289
>>334264
>>334266
Thats quite fair and reasonable. And, you neatly addressed onr of my concerns: whether something 'needs' to be told begins and ends with thr author; and in this begins their success or failure.
Let me rephrase. The conviction to write the story well is Imo the most essential element. Ill use Nigel as an example.
Nigel is already convinced that his story(s) is good AND well written, which is why he has deaf ears to criticism.
I dont get that from you, but its worth having gauged.
What I DO get is a strong interest to see the project through, including any and all suggestions (not necessarily for implementation, but consideration at least) others might give you. Its like night and day, versus the previous example.
>>334266
>chill
No u, I perceive no attack If you'll permit a blogpost/aside,
while I am very sharp and abrasive with my words, there are few things I take actually seriously, myself not being one of them. So, even when I go off on lengthy and detailed rants - even those when I DO attack ppl - its done (if it were spoken) with a jovial, comedic, and whimsical tone that doesnt translate well over text.
Long story short, you have more to worry about from me b3ing nice than me being a dick Xp

Yes, I have regrettably spoken about narcissism at length with Nigel. Unfortunately, alluding to the phrase "Is it what the teacher teaches, or what the student learns?" he has taken the opportunity to inaccuratrly incorporate and use a variety of terms and concepts, the cited assertion being a perfect example. What was intended to convey to him a MORE healthy-than-current strategy clearly made some impact or there wouldnt be the attempt to assimilate the info, however it appears his intent was to be able to repeat the words (specifically, to sound more authoritative when he dismisses anything contrary) and NOT to comprehend the content/ideas.
Simply, a 'true' narcissist is like a true Scotsman. Nuff said.
Take what he said with as much salt as would be appropriate for any of the OTHER assertions he has made. Im not saying he's wrong, there likely ARE breeds of narcissists who would operate exactly as he details, but theres two fallacies there. One, his description of a true narcissist is precisely the definition by which he attempts to exhonerate himself from being a narcissist
>I cant be a narcissist, if I was I would be doing THIS THING. Im not, therefore not a narcissist.
Nevermind that his assertion is PURE speculation based on ZERO comprehension of the source material.
The second fallacy is that ALL narcissists are as he describes, when it couldnt be further from the truth. Narcissism - like lots of psychological 'genres' exists on a spectrum that includes (but is not limited to) mental perception AND actions/behaviors; just cuz someonr does or doesnt do a given thing cannot conclusively be indicative of narcissism, it takes a thorough analysis over time to do that.
And as has been painfully/exhaustively illustrated, Nigel doesnt DO lengthy/thorough analysis, his analysis is consistently superficial and low-effort, only serving to reaffirm his interpretation that 'hes right'. Sorry, Ill stop. Or, rather, Ill take anything further to the pub.
Im not giving up on your story entirely, though it might be better if we connected via discord or some other platform? Im not encouraging you to NOT continue to work/develop on-board, but this thread is too easily/readily/tacitly derailed for me to commit to it here.
Anonymous
8c410bd
?
No.334268
>>334267
Alright
>>>/sp/19625 →
Anonymous
48c8fd4
?
No.334289
334290
>>334267
Which story do you think I think is already well written?
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.334290
334303
>>334289
Not yours
Anonymous
48c8fd4
?
No.334303
>>334290
You think I believe my story isn't well written?
I thought you were mad at me because you thought I believe my story is well written.
Anonymous
48c8fd4
?
No.334348
Little Red Riding Hood. A wolf crossdresses as an old human lady for a purpose. Fetish never comes into it.

Norse myths of Thor imitating a woman to sneak into an enemy camp, Loki shapeshifting to fuck with people, Loki tying his balls to a donkey for the amusement of others. Fetish never comes into it.

That old Greek "Oh to be a horse and eat grass" poem. The Trojan Horse story has many men get inside a giant horse. But fetish never comes into it.

Aesop told fables of animals doing human shit. And there's the story of the three little pigs. Fetish never comes into it.

Sometimes in history's oldest stories these ideas pop up. But while there have always been some furries, trannies are purely made up.
Anonymous
2888c19
?
No.334351
>>334259
>does this story need to be told?
Thats a pretty cringe outlook.
Anonymous
e31ab5c
?
No.334652
334656 334702 334767 335012
I think that Fequestria shit I wrote was too complicated for general audiences. And too dark.
It was shit for a lot of reasons. But it failed as propaganda for those two reasons. When dumb people read it on a different site, it didn't appeal to them.
The hero was a hybrid but he was more like a whipped dog.
The hero wasn't a plucky teenager rebel power fantasy. He wasn't a fake everyman born with godhood. The hero was strong and smart and none of it mattered in a system that hated him. So many midwits I spoke with in private messages struggled to make it past the first few chapters without giving in. This isn't their usual daily meal. This isn't sexual porn or emotional porn. This story didn't exist to validate them or satiate their fetishes. It's the first draft of a story that doesn't seem to be working, so it needs to be scrapped. Time to start over. What can I learn from this experiment?
On the site where I uploaded my fic, those who read the story and still spoke enough english to express their feelings on the story verbally instead of numerically didn't get it. Any of it. They didn't get why the hero had unpleasant traits like a desire to fuck his adopted sibling or why the hero didn't enjoy life as a prostitute. And the joke chapter where a lesbian girl casually murders people in the typical power fantasy way resulted in no useful data because nobody got that far into the story before clicking the glorified frowny face emoji button and moving on in search of porn.
"Why did the villains do that?" Asks a reader. "Why did they make the hero's stable diverse?"
God damn it. I knew I should have included a scene where rich cunts in charge wear matching cultist robes and gather to mwahaha and as-you-know about the shit those jews did and are still doing. That would help them understand.
I knew I should have started the story writing about a happy little tribal village in the outskirts of the wasteland farming edible cave moss and mushrooms before they are conquered by Vault 69 and enslaved in sweatshops. Giving the story light happy scenes at start makes dumdums reading it happy, so when stuff get sad for character they liked, dumdums sad too. Story's darkness scared them away. A fandom where pedo fiction gets hundreds of upvotes. A fandom where some of the most popular names are splatter porn only noteworthy for their shock value. The darkness of my story turned them away because the bleak understated tragedy of being a collared dog forced to labour for a system that hates you wasn't the kind of pony porn that gives them a reason to open their eyes every morning.
If I tried harder to make the story's initial scenes happy they would not be scared away. They would want to read the story's initial happy scenes where the protagonist is happy. Then they cry when the bad guys make life sad for the hero. Then they root for hero and cheer when he is gifted enough canned specialness on a silver platter to save the day effortlesly MCU style. All sorts of Hollywood films use that formula, why the fuck didn't I go with that?
There are communized "white negroes" on youtube who write on the comment sections of Jojo Rabbit clips, "That scene where the German boy Jojo is starving but his imaginary friend Hitler is beside him eating unicorn meat proves Hitler is a baddie!" with a straight face. They write this shit and they don't see the funny side.
What the fuck am I doing?
If I'm going to reach the biggest number of people with a story meant to redpill people it's retarded to make the story more niche than something sane in a mad world already is.
How many people give a fuck about ponies? How many of those read pony fanfics? How many of those people read long pony fanfics? How many read long fics with a point to their length? How many of them read stories with OCs, how many of them read stories about OCs, how many of them would give a story a chance if their favourite horse died in it two hundred years before the hero was born, and how many of those people would touch anything related to FE with a large pole? FE is already libtard shit, nobody who liked it is likely to respond well to a story that rejects the consoomer gamer murderhobo mindset in favor of a traditional grindset.
My story was shit for a lot of reasons. Executing its good ideas better and cutting the shit ones wouldn't change the fact that this format is the wrong one for the goal my story had.
Anonymous
8e367c6
?
No.334656
334673 334701 334702
>>334652
>The hero wasn't a plucky teenager rebel power fantasy. He wasn't a fake everyman born with godhood. The hero was strong and smart and none of it mattered in a system that hated him. So many midwits I spoke with in private messages struggled to make it past the first few chapters without giving in. This isn't their usual daily meal.
Perhaps but then again maybe it was something else. I didn't like it either but for completely different reasons. It read like a parody even though it was suppose to be a serious story; kinda like as if there was a sarcasm filter over the text which bent the context of the scenes in that direction.
But I mean, yeah, maybe these natives of this unknown site hated it because it didn't fit their narrow mold of storytelling and didn't actually care about the presentation of these ideas. I don't know. I think the idea that you notice what you don't notice is solid advice. GG once talked in your second thread on /go/ about how layman can notice differences in quality, in like drawings, because the better piece has more details and complexity. So a poor drawing of a stool is in the middle of the paper, 2-D, and just lines for the outline; meanwhile another paper has also a drawing of a stool but this one is in one of the outher thirds of the paper, is in 3-D, and circles for the legs sticking up through the seat of the stool. People notice these differences even if they can't summarize them or the observations of these things don't occur to them.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.334673
>>334656
>It read like a parody even though it was suppose to be a serious story; kinda like as if there was a sarcasm filter over the text
Seconded
Anonymous
e31ab5c
?
No.334701
334702 334767 335012
>>334656
Real people are individuals and they disliked my story for their own individual reasons based on what they value and what they wanted out of the story. It would be useful to know what each individual hated the most about that fic. It could help me improve that story. But the dumbest midwits vulnerable to media manipulation get molded into the same NPC mold, their interests and values artificially rewritten, their heads filled with the same layers of second-hand lies. So they struggled to articulate why they disliked the story beyond "It's too dark and complicated and unfun and I didn't understand it".
Feels weird to be told your story's too dark for a fandom that loved Smile.mov, Cupcakes, and Fallout Equestria.
Then again, Cupcakes was a low-effort badfic about ponies killing ponies for no reason. Same goes for FE, just with bonus libtardism. Smile.mov was animated well. But fundamentally these stories were edgy, not dark. They were celebrations of meaningless violence where the main character was the strongest of all. Dirty fireworks, a spectacle of shallow stylized violence. DeviantArt copypasta shit and an uninspired DBZ knockoff. It's the difference between a sad poem about feeling helpless and a WatchMojo Top Ten Goriest Mortal Kombat Fatalities video, a fan of the latter has no reason to appreciate the former.
What did you personally dislike about the FE fic?
Anonymous
d3302ca
?
No.334702
334767
>>334701
In game design when getting feed back about a game. What people say and what they mean can be completely fucking different through no fault of their own.
There are people who do mean what they say (lots of people here). Sometimes communication breaks down in making it clear and fully understood.
>>334656
>how layman can notice differences in quality, in like drawings, because the better piece has more details and complexity. So a poor drawing of a stool is in the middle of the paper, 2-D, and just lines for the outline; meanwhile another paper has also a drawing of a stool but this one is in one of the outher thirds of the paper, is in 3-D, and circles for the legs sticking up through the seat of the stool. People notice these differences even if they can't summarize them or the observations of these things don't occur to them.
This. More care means more forethought means more connections means the ability to make correct deductions is possible.
Intent bleeds through a work, unconscious factors as well. People's subconscious and gut instinct can pick up on those ques.
>>334701
>>334652
The issue is not complexity it's care. Control and domination types are craving well crafted places to occupy. Good people want to add to their tool box of experiences ect. It occupies a place inside of them.
Execution also matters.
The creator has to care.
The audience has to care.
The creation has to care.
There are all sorts of tricks to falsify caring, but that is a poor substitute.

The sole goal of an author is facilitating care. When I say care I mean CARE. To will, to be, to continue, to live, to love, to thrive. Care is a force and directed action and way foward and back.

>Cupcakes
They cared about twisting a pony into facsimile of who they were.
>Fallout Equestria
Kkat 'round the back for twenty mile town bike' cared to be the first largest Fallout and Equestria crossover. For that reason it's shit, but 'fulfills' (it's fucking empty) those that want to be poured into such a place.
>For that reason it's shit, but 'fulfills' (it's fucking empty) those that want to be poured into such a place.
That's a common thing you'll see.
Anonymous
8c410bd
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No.334767
1643992.png
>>334652
>What the fuck am I doing? If I'm going to reach the biggest number of people with a story meant to redpill people it's retarded to make the story more niche than something sane in a mad world already is...*long fucking post*...FE is already libtard shit, nobody who liked it is likely to respond well to a story that rejects the consoomer gamer murderhobo mindset in favor of a traditional grindset.

Those are all valid concerns that anons had previously posted ITT, i wish i had a solution for this, but...yeah, maybe you need to write a book that isn't restrained to this fandom if you really wish to red-pill a fuck ton of people either way, the goal you are setting yourself to accomplish is complicated...you need to be willing to spend years of your life in this endeavour.

>>334701
>Feels weird to be told your story's too dark for a fandom that loved Smile.mov, Cupcakes, and Fallout Equestria.

A lot of people in this fandom if not most of them, are escapists, there is a difference between, say...Smile, and what you were trying to do based solely on what you've said, paste is gone edgy is funny, actual dark shit is depressing and it is bound to put off the escapist.

That said, am not sure about the rest of /mlp/, but the generals concerning most of the target audience of my fic are pretty receptive of dark shit at least concerning the darker aspects of rainmetall

You have the drive anon, something must come out of that

Also
>>334702
This
Anonymous
05ee7e7
?
No.334972
334976 335012 335240
I made a few changes to the FE fic a while ago. What do you think of it now?
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/507767/1/fallout-equestria-lionheart/a-prologue-of-sorts
Your feedback will help me improve the better redpilling original story. I think I'll make it in webcomic form.
Anonymous
55986a2
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No.334976
334996
>>334972
How about you post a section that has been changed, instead of asking for a complete re-read?
Anonymous
52f447d
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No.334996
335006
>>334976
Like a mod's changelog? Alright.
I know I changed the first two chapters a lot, but I forget what I did with the rest of the story. You don't have to read any of this if you don't want to. I think the story's intro is important so feedback on getting that part right would be great.
Anonymous
ff337dd
?
No.335006
>>334996
>Like a mod's changelog?
More or less. It's a good writing habit to keep track of what you do, especially if you want someone else to review the changes.
Anonymous
8c410bd
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No.335012
335014 335020
anon...i.png
lolz.jpg
>>334972
Alright, i've read the prologue and the first chapter, am terrible at this, but i'll do my best assuming you don't have me filtered for whatever reason i might go over stuff too briefly, but i gotta post now that i have the chance.

>The negatives
So, starting with the prologue, first of all, the whole scene with the boomer feels like it was taken out of a venting green-text rather than a serious fic.
Commentary/references or however they're called, can work when done well and with moderation, but this reads like if you just shoehorned a bunch of wall-text shitposts.

Besides that, i can see why anons have said that this reads like a parody, and it is then when i go to the first chapter. that's a lot of them, holy shit...
Chapter one rolls in and it soon becomes apparent what Sven has said about the dialogues being mostly walls of text, besides that, there's this weird thing where the story seems like it is trying to be serious, but...

>It read like a parody even though it was suppose to be a serious story; kinda like as if there was a sarcasm filter over the text which bent the context of the scenes in that direction.
I think this is how i feel about it, i mean, i am confused, i found the jokes funny and everything, but at the same time, going from what you've posted here >>334652 and here >>334701 i think am supposed to look at this seriously as opposed to enjoying it like a fun parody.
But, it's like if the story was trying to be both of those things.

About the red-pilling potential, the key there is making the core theme, the concept of the story itself: something from which you can draw red-pills organically, this story has it, but it goes about it WAY over the top, take it easy, writing when you are mad or salty or whatever will only make it harder for you to be subtle.

Also, what you are trying to express in the series of paragraph-long dialogues, write that in its raw form, then shape it below into a more digestible format, i think you can get rid of the wall texts that way.

>On a positive note
To me, it seems like the way you word things is more stylish than most fics i've read not many, and mine's utter shite but whatever aside from that, i've already said the rest, the fic has a lot of red-pilling potential in its concept, just remember that it does need to make sense in order to remain convincing.
Anonymous
8c410bd
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No.335014
335020
alreadyturnedoffbythefurryshit.jpg
>>335012
Also
>pic related
Ew...
Anonymous
52f447d
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No.335020
335060 335077 335091
>>335012
Thank you, but I'm not sure I understand what you mean. What reads like a parody? The stuff with filly Twilight in the story? Sparky and the writing professor?

to tell you the truth I unfiltered the one guy I had filtered but didn't tell him. It didn't feel right to have anyone filtered on a site like this.

>>335014
It's tactical camouflage to blend in. If I was named XxXNaziHitlerGasTheJews69xXx1488 and my description said "Gas the jews and fuck black people and I want jews to be stopped" nobody would give my work a chance.
Boobless Vtubers and bisexuality seemed like the gayest shit possible. I could go all out and add "I love funko pops and my wife's son" to the description but that would be laying it on too thick.
Anonymous
c62c187
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No.335060
335062 335075 335077
>>335020
>It's tactical camouflage to blend in.
I guess, but your story is the very contrast to that profile. I'd say you stand out more this way. It's not a really a problem but you don't actually have to blend in, most people on the site have no need to mention their political lenings nor their sexuality; they are just accounts.
But you do you. I'd create a profile like this if I were to write a story that was supposedly left lening but has accidental outcomes in it that are ironic when thought more thoroughly about.
Anonymous
c62c187
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No.335062
335075 335106
>>335060
I just feel like you're assuming that the people on fimfic are dumb as bricks (But at the same time not, because you want to redpill them, I suppose), which has some truth to it, but usually intelligent people can be fools and and idiots can be wise. The genius can claim 1+1=3 throught rationalization and a parrot can claim 1+1=2.

They will see though this. This isn't a problem because lying about your profile like this is obviously not a crime and who cares. You can even say that it was all done in sarcasm and disgust for the site, which is true. But as a disguise, I don't think it will hold.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.335075
335082
>>335060
>>335062
>you're assuming that the people on fimfic are dumb as bricks
Deep down, he thinks everyone is dumb as bricks (or at least, he behaves as though he thinks so) which is why all his 'efforts to improve' reek of sarcasm, condescention, and paper-thinly-veiled contempt. By observation, his perception is that everyone is either dumb enough that they dont get 'his genius' (in a reductionist sense), or dumb enough that they DO get it.
Its not him that needs to improve, 'its everyone else'. He thinks he can 'trick' people into liking his stories just like he thinks he 'passes' under his 'le clever diguise' and can fool people into becoming redpilled if he 'pretends' to be a faggot (who literally has a penis fixation) on a fanfic board.
Of all the neurological capacities of humans, the ability to detect insincerity is a generationally-conditioned, evolutionary/survival mechanism. Is it maladaped in an observable percent of the population? Absolutely! Unfortunately, that same geoup is overrepresented with people who would be denied entry to the military.
https://youtu.be/5-Ur71ZnNVk
To put it succinctly, he treats everyone like children, varying only in degree and the person's receptivity to him. Its in how he presents himself, how he phrases and communicates his ideas, and most especially in how he conducts himself in discussion/argumentation. Even his admissions and acknowledgements have an undercurrent of 'if I pretend to go along with them and change a few words/concepts/phrases, they'll come around' because he has a narcissistic predisposition toward his own work and ideas. Its a curious mix of Similar-to-me, Idiosynchratic, and Confirmation bias (et al).
>inb4 'muh pseudo-intellectual buzzwords'
Its especially visible in how he reacts in the face of criticism/rejection, and thats very likely when/where the behavior originates from; a conditioned self-defense mechanism responding to a lack of social acceptance and approval.
And yes, if he were to get THAT part sorted, his writing would improve exponentially.
But that would require tbe assistance of a qualified professional.
>>>/ub/4878 →
>I already decided not to trust therapists with my life's story as they are libtard servants of the system genociding whites
Go on, read through the therapy thread and see what impressions (you) get. Dont start with the most recent either, go back a ways and observe his 'improvement over time'.
His writing quality is a symptom of his mental state; until he addresses the latter, the former will always be superficial and tertiary.
Anonymous
8c410bd
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No.335077
335079 335106
screeshotz_081259.png
1645081812142.jpg
>>335020
>What reads like a parody?
The whole of it really, it's like you were laughing your ass when you wrote it, far from abhorrent, is enjoyable imo, but this isn't what you were looking for.
I am suppossed to feel the crushing hopelessness of the situation, but then i stumble upon pic related example, there are simply way too many instances like that.

>Sparky and the writing professor?
I've said that one actually felt more like a series of venting shitposts.

>It's tactical camouflage to blend in
Expected, don't worry

>>335060
>I guess, but your story is the very contrast to that profile. I'd say you stand out more this way.
This, it's way over the top.
>I'd create a profile like this if I were to write a story that was supposedly left lening but has accidental outcomes in it that are ironic when thought more thoroughly about.
And this is good advice on how to be subtle about it.

To me, i feel like it could be easily twisted into, "le poor migrants in detention camps and nigs...working!", but then again, there are mistresses and cucks over there, not to mention.

>Le carnivores
Am empty on those.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.335079
335091
>>335077
I think you're missing the subtlety of his 'ebin own'.
The idea is, if you take his shitty yo mama reference as being a joke about something heavy, you're big brained like he is. However, if you see it as lazy, low-brow, and contemptuous, then (you) are the person who just got pwned by the reference. He is that conscious of what he is doing wrong with his writing AND that dismissive of the idea that its actually wrong that he is prescripting his retorts to criticism.
Simply, that joke was lazy writing and a preventative >inb4 retort, in story format.
>inb4 conflation of being an evil mastermind
This is narcissism 102, theres nothing masterful OR novel about it.
Anonymous
c62c187
?
No.335082
335084
>>335075
>He thinks he can 'trick' people into liking his stories just like he thinks he 'passes' under his 'le clever diguise' and can fool people into becoming redpilled
Yeah, I feel like you put the finger on what might be the worst part of his creative process as it is. I feel like he can't seperate using a wheel instead of reinventing it in his machines (metaphor for his stories and games) from creating something with passion for the craft itself. Like, I remember how he once talked about his game and how he intended to make it a copy of another essentially but better to appeal to the fans of those games, not because he felt unsure about creating that original game, but because (I don't really remember but I know he pbrought up why he wouldn't) I think it was something along the lines that people would understand or weren't ready.

I don't remember though but the real point here is that he hates generic things with a passion (a lot of his posts in the gg thread is about how uncreative other writers are and how his off the head prompts and premises are superior) but then he aims to create things that are dumb and generic?
Anonymous
c62c187
?
No.335084
335091 335106
>>335082
>he aims to create things that are dumb and generic?
I mean by his own standards. Like, just the way he talks about FE is all in that he hates it and it's fans and wants to make a better crossover between the franchises. However, his focus isn't on what he liked about the two fanchises and what would be intresting and appealing about merging them, it's on Kkat's failures as a writer. His stories always feel like commentaries on other things rather then being their own things.
Idk. I haven't fully crystalized these ideas yet.
Anonymous
8c410bd
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No.335091
335094
779E3AE085B188B66B3854E2FA75F703-626811.jpg
>>335079
>I think you're missing the subtlety of his 'ebin own'.
I am a bit concerned he will just wash this off with
<"Lol, if you are turned down by such a silly thing, i don't think i care about your inmature opinion"

>>335084
>His stories always feel like commentaries on other things rather then being their own things.
Am not familiarized with his other works, but yeah, i failed to get there, this story suffers from that.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zmtkkKj8X4A
now's embedded

On that... >>335020
You are trying way too hard to dab on android kitkat, let your story speak for you, dab with quality, not with commentary that may even come off as jealous ranting
Anonymous
55986a2
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No.335094
>>335091
>>>/sp/19657 →
Anonymous
52f447d
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No.335106
335114 335203 335211 335240
>>335062
I don't think everyone on Fimfic is as dumb as bricks. But a lot of people on that site are undoubtedly as dumb as bricks, because they think Fallout Equestria is intelligently written. It's fine to find that dreck entertaining but calling it clever is a bad joke. This story of mine is shit, but so far the only people from that site who've told me what they think about it ended up hating my shit story for dumb reasons. And that's unhelpful. It's shit, and they should hate it for reasonable reasons.
>>335077
I thought the yo mamma line and the "Twilight questions the Wasteland" and the "Shit writing professor advises him to write something closer to the original Fallout Equestria" scenes were funny but if this sort of talk ruins the tone of the story, I'll tone it down in the future. My goal was to have serious moments, and funny moments. Is the occasional burst of humor too jarring? How could I make it less jarring?

The carnivore stuff is supposed to be symbolic. The magical mutagen changed ponies and revealed their true natures. Strong meat-eating hard-working straightforward good people who desperately want to be a part of society even if it's ruled by cunts who hate them, these overlooked heroes who build things and clean floors and fix toilets and fix tech and work in factories and drive trucks, and other hard workers, they are oppressed by the namby-pamby libtard princesses who think fetishizing their own frailty and dressing like a male-feminist hipster and talking like Hollywood's faggiest characters makes them "enlightened". They ruined college to weaponize the theoretical abolition of college debt as a left-wing talking point.
Even when the Karen is trying to get her phone fixed by a man smarter than her, she can't stop herself from being a cunt to everyone, even anyone who's disabled in a way she doesn't consider exploitable for social credit like autists. The bitch in charge of the business is a cunt who demands too much of her employees and expects full control over their private lives like countless other women who think they have the God-given (well, satan-given since they don't believe in God) right to monopolize everyone else's time and lives.
In the leftist's mind the only good foreigner is a useful idiot "ally"(servant) of leftism, that's what the scene with the mentally-enslaved pet dog raised to hate his kind was supposed to represent. They're making meat more expensive while encouraging poverty, then pretending giving away free shit paid for by someone else's money makes them charitable. Rebellious graffiti and unlawful gatherings are hate crimes, hateful anti-carnivore graffiti is the norm. When shit blows up because of goatfucking Goat towelheads the media's quick to blame carnivores, until they can't pretend it's not Goats again. Those in charge oppress the poor and then call their victims oppressive, spending insane amounts of money on soulless corporate plant "rebellious" punk band concerts and clothing made from child labour sweatshops. They'll kill their own babies and pretend it's wrong to eat meat.

Come to think of it, I should have given the hero guy a little brother. He could protect his little brother when running from the cops, then drop his little brother off at the child labour sweatshops while thinking "Damn I wish kids his age didn't have to do this shit or end up in the gulag work camps". So when the "rebellious" sheeple wear the fake-rebellious shirts the little brother made, fans make the connection and understand what's wrong with that.

Anyway the goats blow shit up but they're enabled by the system, the little herbivore critters get off on abusing better animals, and the sheep are sheople. Magic is forbidden for promoting pony exceptionalism (being too white) even though it saves lives just like the white man's medicine, and the hero's mother chose to die giving birth to the hero because abortion's murder but she only had to choose between death or killing her son because of the ruler's restrictions on science.
Meat could be plentiful as it's summoned magically in areas without the anti-magic gems but this is artificially made scarce because those in charge put anti-magic gems everywhere, and sex shops sell meat because it's one of the few places where magic is allowed(even though you're only supposed to use sex magic there).
People can only stand this life by retreating into escapism or sex and drugs, living in ignorance while purchasing their happiness. Blood and sweat is the real cost, thinking ceases, the truth is lost. Those in charge intentionally hamstring small businesses to impoverish the poor and serve them shit and act like they deserve a medal for this. Life is shit and good people are forced to be a cog in this system or find a better one with a real solution for all these problems, a system able to meaningfully oppose libtardism.

It's probably a bit too black-and-white, and I'm not entirely sure making the hero a half-Unicorn Lion was the best move(he's supposed to be "reclaiming his pony heritage" by getting magic back and doing what's right with it), but from what I've seen making the cast animals lets you talk about race and society without pre-programmed NPC responses getting in the way of thinking. It lets people see the animals and think about how this reflects on how society treats them. I remember this one time when a great man I know, a huge guy with a big heart, saw Zootopia. He told me the scene where the prey moves her kid away from a big Tiger guy who's done nothing wrong reminded him of all the times people assumed he's a big dumb aggressive thug just because he's fucking huge. He normally never says stuff like that. Normally it seems like nothing ever bothers him. And he tries hard to seem like nothing does. It was surprising to see him open up to me like that.
>>335084
I've been working on a lot of games for a long time but I'm passionate about my original games and I eventually got passionate about Better Pokemon.
Anonymous
55986a2
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No.335112
335207
>so far the only people from that site who've told me what they think about it ended up hating my shit story for dumb reasons
And this is why its pointless to sincerely engage Nigel, because at the end of the day this is what he thinks of (you) and any effort expended to help him improve.
Anonymous
8db22fd
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No.335114
335123
>>335106
maybe learn to take criticism instead of shrugging it off as "Dumb Reasons? that line of thinking make people end up as lolcows.
Anonymous
52f447d
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No.335123
335211
Not sure if this is the place to talk about the writing in this video but it's funny to me that his attempt to "seem neutral" on the culture war resulted in accusing us of seeing anyone willingly affiliating themselves with the tyrants killing us as what they are: assholes working for the tyrants killing us. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVAAM7N5F9U

>>335114
"I didn't like this story because it was too dark and not pornographic enough" said someone who wanted porn, not a story.
I'm not writing off ALL criticism as bullshit, I'm correctly identifying a certain type of bullshit as bullshit.
Dumb people on a site with a lot of dumb people told me their dumb reasons for not liking my story.
My story is shit. There are many good reasons to dislike it. They have gay reasons.
You can't turn "I want your story to be more like what I want to see" into useful criticism. I guess you could call it market research, if you're wondering how the dumbest of the few people who read this crap want to be pandered to.

A better version of my story would execute its themes better. It would handle its dark tone and humorous moments better. And it would wake more people up.
But a worse version of my story would abandon its themes and message to be the kind of shallow validation-porn that gets you famous on Fimfic, home of adult babies who actually think My Little Dashie is good literature and Friendship Is Optimal is intelligent scifi literature.
If you've played a good video game before, you've disagreed with a professional video game journalist who hates that game for retarded reasons like "I don't think this game has enough diversity" or "I don't feel I should have to learn how to interact with this piece of art correctly to enjoy it or see what I want to see from it".
Sometimes, critics really are wrong. They've certainly been wrong before, that's why Gamergate and Comicsgate are things.
What kind of society holds the contradictory viewpoint that criticism cannot be criticized, unless it is criticism of a critic's criticism? The romanticization of critics as unquestionable arbiters of truth makes no sense to me. Critics are just people with opinions, like fans. Some critics have a lot of knowledge on topics, they might even have real degrees or bullshit sociology degrees, but something tells me the guy who actually Private Messaged me with "You should make your hero character a girl so he will be more like Littlepip" doesn't have real degrees.
Anonymous
b860cf1
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No.335203
335206
>>335106
>This story of mine is shit, but so far the only people from that site who've told me what they think about it ended up hating my shit story for dumb reasons. And that's unhelpful. It's shit, and they should hate it for reasonable reasons.
Well, I kinda agree with what you say on conceptual level but realize that I never said anything conter to that either. That was other posters. I just mentioned that these guys aren't that dumb that they won't notice how your profile descriptions doesn't match your stories.
Anonymous
b860cf1
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No.335206
>>335203
>I kinda agree with what you say on conceptual level
Make that fully agree on a conceptual level and I do agree with the examples you bring up that those types of criticisms are useless.
However, I have been one of the your critics that you have dismissed before so I don't really think that you always dismiss things because the feedback is actually bad.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.335207
>>335112
I'd like to officially retract this statement; I misread the statement (saw 'that site' as 'the site', and interpreted it as a reference to Mlpol), and my response was premature and excessive. There's no excuse, and I acknowledge and own the error.
Anonymous
8c410bd
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No.335211
FCD2ABFF04866A08F5FE37C22AD4F858-566304.png
>>335106
Making a quick reply here, might come back later
>How could I make it less jarring?
Not sure, guess it feels too juvenile for the story, still, you should probably make it a rarer occurrence as i do feel like it happens way too often, breaking the tone at least for me.

>As per the faggy boomer scene
I'd say scrap the whole scene or at least shorten it to a fraction of its current size.

>The carnivore stuff is supposed to be symbolic. The magical mutagen changed ponies and revealed their true natures. Strong meat-eating hard-working straightforward...
Yeah, it didn't flied past me, i just mentioned the carnivores because that alone might drive off some leftoids cuz "veganism", but that is really not such a big deal, ignore that bit.

>but from what I've seen making the cast animals lets you talk about race and society without pre-programmed NPC responses getting in the way.
FiM is/was actually a pretty good example in and of itself, that's why i said the concept of your fic was appropriate for red-pills.

>>335123
I am inclined to believe you are rather not very receptive to criticism, there is no shortage of anons who ignored the warnings offered by your "detractors", and ended up "joining" them, some of them after years of continuous attempts to get you to listen.
Am not sure if i'll be the next one yet, tbh i've been taking every criticism you get as if it was directed at me, why?
Because i am literally as guilty as you of the same behaviour elsewhere, that is every post you make seems perfectly fine to me, like something i would write myself proudly if i was in your place, and it is not after someone points it out that i see the issue.
Fuck, this isn't supposed to be a nut house
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
550bdfd
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No.335240
335242
6209514__artist+needed_safe_imported+from+ponybooru_starlight+glimmer_pony_unicorn_bust_female_looking+at+you_mare_portrait_s5+starlight_simple+background_solo_.png
>>334972

I've been debating whether or not I ought to attempt a review of this one, but in any case I went ahead and read the first two chapters, so I thought I'd toss in my two cents. I'm probably not going to read the whole thing, but here are some quick thoughts I had based on what I did read.

The opening scene is basically alright; you begin the story with an exciting action sequence, and except for the dialogue (which is terrible), it's pretty decently executed. There are also a couple of things you did that I thought were clever:

>filly Twilight Sparkle
I've lectured extensively on how fanfic writers shouldn't assume the reader knows everything about the franchise(s) they're referencing, and to make sure anything you do reference from the source material makes sense in the context of your story. What I haven't really mentioned before is that, if you're clever about it, you can actually take the reader's presumed knowledge of the source material and use it to intentionally mislead or manipulate them.

From the opening scene, it's clear enough that this is a Fallout: Equestria story. The scene makes sense enough on its own and does not require any specific knowledge of FoE to understand; however, readers who are familiar with it might find aspects of this a little puzzling. The setting is clearly post-apocalypse Equestria, yet the protagonist of the scene is Twilight Sparkle as a child. Anyone familiar with the basic chronology of the FoE universe will immediately realize that this character is out of place here. An FoE fan will immediately wonder what the deal with this filly is: is this supposed to be the actual Twilight Sparkle? Is it a clone of her? Is this just some random filly who was named after someone famous? Right out of the gate, you've managed to hook your target audience and give them a reason to continue reading. I'm not sure if it was intentional or not, but I rather liked this and thought it was worth a mention.

>the bait and switch
This was also a somewhat clever misdirection. The reader initially believes he's reading a conventional FoE story about a couple of lone warriors fighting raiders in the wasteland, but it turns out that it's actually a fictional story written by the protagonist; the actual scene is a creative writing class he's attending.

Now, here's what I didn't like about your opening:

>dialogue
The dialogue in this is an improvement over your Silver Star character's essay-length block-paragraph speeches about hoverboards, but not by nearly enough. Your spoken lines are still overly verbose, and absolutely none of it feels like natural conversation. This is a persistent problem throughout the entire text, btw; it's not just an issue in this scene. My advice would be to stop trying so hard to be witty and clever, and focus on trying to write natural-sounding interactions between your characters.

>meta-humor
As others have noted, massive portions of this chapter are basically just you taking the piss out of the original Fallout: Equestria fic. A little bit of this is fine, but in this fic there is just way too much of it; in fact, there's basically nothing else going on here. What's more is that you don't even seem to realize that it's overkill. Let's take a look at how you responded to some of the criticism you've already received on this point:

>>335106
>Is the occasional burst of humor too jarring? How could I make it less jarring?
You completely miss the point here. These are not "occasional" bursts of humor; literally two thirds of the chapter is just you talking shit about kkat's story, using your characters as sockpuppets to voice your thoughts. There is basically nothing else going on here; hence the confusion about whether or not your story is meant to be taken as a parody of FoE.

Remember how I just complimented you for cleverly hooking the reader with your opening scene? Well, once you've finished doing this, you basically spend the rest of the chapter blowing whatever advantage you gave yourself. You've probably already lost most potential readers by about halfway through that italicized narrative portion that segues between the Twilight Sparkle scene and the classroom scene (that entire section needs to be massively pared down, btw). The bait and switch was cleverly executed, but the problem is that once it concludes, you don't do anything except bitch about how bad I thought you thought FoE was.

The opening scene tricks the reader into thinking they're reading one story, but then you pull the curtain back and show them that they're actually reading a different story altogether. The trouble is, once you've shown them what they're not reading, you don't bother to tell them what sort of story they are reading. Once it's revealed that this isn't going a typical FoE story about Wasteland Badass #2688 running around fighting raiders, you just sort of unceremoniously dump us into this classroom scene, and proceed to have your OC argue with his professor for the rest of the chapter. Wtf are we reading here? Are we still in the FoE universe, or was that a ruse too? Are we even still in the MLP universe? If this protagonist isn't actually Wasteland Badass #9224, then who is he exactly? What the hell is going on? You give us virtually nothing here.

Honestly, about two thirds of the classroom scene is just dross that could easily be chopped from the story; the problem is, if you did cut the dross, you wouldn't have anything left. The purpose of this prologue/opening chapter should ideally be to provide the reader with some very basic exposition, that introduces the characters and setting they are going to be reading about. My advice would be to just focus on doing that, and ditch the meta-humor entirely.

Anyway, that's chapter one. Up next, chapter two.
Glim
!Glam8.itxo
550bdfd
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No.335242
335255
>>335240

Chapter Two is just...honestly, I have no idea what to make of this. I feel like there are faint outlines of a good idea here, but this is so rambling and chaotic that I'm not really sure what specifically ought to be done to improve it. All I know is that this chapter doesn't just need editing; this needs a hard rewrite, from scratch.

For starters, your setting is bizarre; as far as I can tell, it's some kind of weird crossover between Fallout: Equestria and Zootopia. It's hard to tell what the fuck is going on exactly, but from what I gather your characters live in some kind of FoE-style stable, populated by "herbivores" (presumably ponies and other plant-eating creatures) and "carnivores" (meat-eating animals like lions and foxes and so forth). The carnivores occupy some kind of subservient role, with the herbivores as the dominant population. The stable is ruled over by a mysterious group called the "Nobles." The external allegories are clear enough, but as far as the setting's own internal logic is concerned, the caste system here is not especially well explained. Equally confusing is the identity of your protagonist, and what sort of place he occupies in this world.

"Sparky," from what I've been able to gather, is a half-lion, half-unicorn (???), who is eleven years old, and yet somehow also has an adopted filly daughter who may or may not be the original Twilight Sparkle. Presumably because he is half-lion, he is lumped in with the "carnivore" caste, which means he has to wear some kind of electroshock slave collar, but at the same time, his being half-unicorn means...he doesn't get shot at by the security robots as often? I think? I guess?

We are told he works two jobs; it's not at all clear how employment works in this setting. Is he a slave or isn't he? We also know from the previous chapter that he is enrolled in school and takes college-level creative writing classes. Does he do that before or after his mandatory job at...what is it he does exactly? Works in a store of some kind? Wtf is going on with this guy exactly? If the professor hated his writing so much, why didn't he just shock him with the slave collar? Seriously; you're all over the place here, and I honestly don't know what to make of a lot of this.

You manage to strike a tone with this story that is considerably darker and angrier than what kkat managed, but as to whether or not this is a more serious or mature vision of the FoE setting, as far as I'm concerned the jury is still out. I'll put it another way:

Kkat's edge is basically the kid with the fedora, posing for Instagram photos with a katana and writing haikus about "mastering the blade." He's a very silly person, and the harder he tries to be serious, the sillier he ends up making himself look. He might make a lot people uncomfortable and nervous, but he seems basically harmless.

Your edge is the same kid a few years later, except by now he's traded in his katana for an illegal uzi, and instead of taking pictures and writing haikus he's plotting a raid on Comet Ping Pong. This kid is basically just as immature and emotionally unbalanced as he was during his katana phase; what's changed is that it's not really funny anymore. At this point it's starting to feel like this guy might actually hurt someone.

Anyway, like I said, you've got the vague contours of an idea here, but you really need to focus and try to figure out exactly what you're trying to tell a story about. So far, this is mostly just a lot of deranged, angry nonsense interspersed with ranting about Fallout: Equestria. My advice would be to focus on nailing down the basics, before you start worrying about trying to "redpill" your audience. Try writing a conversation between two characters and getting the dialogue to flow naturally. Try outlining a chapter and having it coherently progress through events, without confusing the everloving fuck out of whoever is trying to read it. As I've said before, you have plenty of raw creativity; you just need to learn how to focus and direct it.
Anonymous
52f447d
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No.335248
It dawned on me that there is a lot of info. Maybe too much for one location to properly convey while I am also trying to introduce main characters and the backstory of the world? The reader needs to understand the hopelessness of life here and the pointlessness of peacecucking to understand why the heroes must murder the Nobles to retake control of their lives.
What if the story had characters who came from ordinary relatable backgrounds easily explained to the audience travelling across the world to a destination of extreme importance while finding a settlement that needs their help every so often like in Avatar: The Last Airbender?
Every second settlement or so could have a specific and easily solved problem caused by libtard vegans. And the heroes goal is to defeat the Vegan Lord, emperor gigajew.
Anonymous
52f447d
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No.335255
335281
>>335242
Thank you for the review. How should I have accomplished the task of getting the audience to bond with the hero and want to see him save his home from the enemy?
Anonymous
8c410bd
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No.335281
335295
1572704850316-0 (1).png
>>335255
Alright, dropping my shit advice again.
So, about gg's last paragraph
>Anyway, like I said, you've got the vague contours of an idea here, but you really need to focus and try to figure out exactly what you're trying to tell a story about...
Look, it's pretty clear i've never written a fanfic, let alone a successful one so take all of this with a grain of salt, but something i did with my fic was putting together a timeline, with notes n' shit, this way, i know how the story goes from start to finish and how to get there in a general sense

I feel like you will run into fewer issues as you go, and when you do, you are able to see more clearly and easily where the problem lies.
Furthermore, sometimes you feel inspired to write certain bits of your fic, so you write down a draft for a portion that will not come until later, words flow out more easily that way, and even tho you might change most of it, the draft will still be useful when you get there, plus it gives you time to think it through.

It's probably a bunch of non-sense, i dunno.
Anonymous
52f447d
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No.335295
335454
>>335281
That's great advice, thank you. Making a timeline sounds good.
Anonymous
55986a2
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No.335454
>>335295
He says, as though that hasnt been suggested numerous times in the past, to which hes offered the same trite "thars ah gud idear".

And now for something completely different.
Tales from Fequestria
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.335457
335562

Day 273 - Anne - Subject 289
- Acquired Mint
- Wing test run 9 success
- comission power gauge
-Got caught up
- Pissed off the Foundation
- Lay low?

An occasional but increasingly consistent sound ran through the sewers that night. The quiet halls interrupted by occasional burbling and the sounds of fouled and decrepid water systems, had a whoosh sound speeding through the corridors.

This wasnt the first glider she had flown, her mom had made her one for her 10th birthday, but the upward heat drafts of the sewer allowed her twice the speed shed ever experienced and as long as she maintained a fairly narrow timeframe in her patrol, she never lost speed.
<46, 47, 48... got it
She thought to herself, reaching out a wrapped hand to snag a bit of congealing goo at the frothy edge of some sewage.

Dont tell anyone, but Mintal - the popular drug of Ashes town - is literally fermented and solidified sewage. Addy was none too pleased upon discovering this, especially after having blown 1200 caps on 300 mint for a party for the fillies. Not only was that a ridiculous markup, but she had literally paid someone to sell her shit.
And she and her friends had taken them. Like,... all of them.
Shuddering involuntarily at the thought, she continued her rapid pace. She could make a 'lap' of the sewer in just under a minute, allowing her to watch every corner so as to fully capitalize on the fermenting Mint.

The only problem with this gliding system is that it required a small electrical charge, thankfully available using the luminescent crystals found near vault 49, the only downside was yet to be seen.

She took a hard left, the tips of her alloy wings only just missing the corner of the hallway.
<Cut around the cage
she narrated to herself, as she settled into a rhythm
<Over the bridge and through the archway
she continued as she sped over and past a staircase

At this point, even her monologue was becoming routine
>Dont hit the blue pony
She intoned before the thought registered, her goggled eyes suddenly going wide.
When she got to the sewers today, she was pleased to find them unoccupied, and had taken to harvesting with fervor. Unfortunately, the hour + had lulled her into a false sense of security, and so she was unprepared to have to make extreme evasive maneuvers to avoid colliding with - and quite possibly killing - this random pony.
She veered 90deg on a straight line, putting her left side upward with her right side down, as she banked to the outside of the doorway, the tip of her wing snagging on the pony's pantleg. But that was all it took.
With the sound of a ripping seam, her wingtip caught this blue pony's pant-leg cuff and Addy was sent tumbling down the hall and off a catwalk, landing unceremoniously with a 'plop' in a large vat of feces and sewage.

Thoroughly sickened, she began to drag herself from the muck, occasionally glancing at the doorway the pony had been in. And for the briefest moment, a blue face peeked through, and through wide eyes managed to offer "Sorry,..." before the face disappeared to the sound of increasingmy distant echoes of hooves on the stonework.
<Well tha was... sheit
She observed with disgust, her recent batch of mintal (sewage its self, but still) getting mixed with fresh shit, ruining the product.
She got fully out of the muck and sat on a ledge and after soiling her last bundle of bandages just to grt her hands (sorta) clean ENOUGH, she lit herself a cigarette.

Normally she waits until she gets back to base before smoking openly - never know whos gonna come out of the woodwork wanting free tobacco - but something about swimming in shit AND losing her product gave her 0 fucks, so she enjoyed that smoke. As she took drags she would scrape sheets of thicker shit off her armor, and her clothes, resolving to figure what to do with those later.

As she finished the cigarette, tossing it into the muck with a quick "Hsst!", she made her way to the manhole cover that was closEST to her base camp.
Only about 4 miles in heavy winds and snow, marinating in well-aged shit. What could go wrong?
Topping the manhole, she instinctively tightened her broncos scarf, soiled that it was too. It held some of the warmth from the sewer, and helped against the bite of the wind.
On a whim, she hit the toggle switch on her wings, and all she got in response was a clicking sound. It would take her weeks to discover that the batteries were not indefinite, but for the time being she had to hike in stewing shit.
Not her proudest moment; a dark pillar of green-eyed filth, trudging bitterly through the snow, seething.

As she made her way however, she was surprised to notice a rather clean,... come to think of it, he's REALLY clean. Like, pristine, clean... pony in what appeared in a lab coat and scrubs,... walking through the snow,... toward her. She assumed he mustnt have seen her, and was in no mood to deal with whatever craziness migbt be involved regardless; all she wanted was to fill the bath and then lay at the bottom of it until she fell asleep and choked on a bit of water.

[part 1]
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.335460
335562
But as she continued along the road, he started waving and walking closer.
<What... the... fuck...
she thought to herself
"Excuse me, Im sorry to bother you, but Im afraid Im having a bit of a crisis, I wonder if youll hear me out?" The lab coated pony nervously asked
<Spill it then, so I can be on my way
"I need to hire someone for a dangeous job"
Dont respond, dont even look at him, just keep walking, she told herself. After a pause though she did respond.
<Yeh, why me? I dunna know you, you definitely dunna know me, whats your game?
"No game, I assure you. And well to be honest, I dont have a choice in the matter. Everyone else Ive contracted... has uhm... been killed."

Now, Addy may look cute and all, but she's not an idiot. Shes not very WISE, but shes actually pretty smart. So when this lab coated pony offered this explanation, she could tell it was bullshit.
I mean really, who's gonna try to hire the random (and indistinguishable, cuz of layers of shit) pony cow you run into, assuming they didnt shoot you anyway.
She didnt know what was up, but she knew SOMETHING was up.

"Im listening" she said

After a brief exchange, the two parted ways. He, it would be disclosed was a Dr. Raynard. Maybe it was Ronald. Renquist? If she was being honest, Addy never bothered trying to learn his name, she had quite forgotten about a bunch of things after he revealed something quite important, to her at least.

He could get her a synthetic eyeball.
Ill get into why she wanted a synth eye so badly a bit later, but a synth eye was the bar none too priority of her list.

And all he wanted was for her to take down - eliminate, specifically - some random pony. Something to do with lab experiments or some shit. Figure, if hes got cybernetic eyes, of course theres gonna be cyber ponies.
So she agreed to look into it. After a NOT NEARLY LONG ENOUGH shower in one of the old decontam showers in vault 49 - only a few levels from where the doc wanted to meet her when she finished the mission (he said 'If,' lol...) she headed out to a wooded area not far from where she met the doc. It was nighttime, so visibility was diminished, and found herself coming across a large frozen pond with a bench seated across offering a full view of the area.
And as she approached the bench, her footfalls must have disturbed something, because a figure sat upright and then tried to disappear in the shadows of the underbrush.
Tried that is, but Addy is a ninja.
It was an impressive game of cat and mouse, and one that led back to the sewers (this time without a poo bath).
However, one thing became certain throughout the chase.
This pony was blue. Not only was she blue, but she is DEFINITELY the same pony who Addy had narrowly avoided colliding with several hours earlier.

The pursuit would also take hours, much to her frustration. She was really hoping for a bag n tag, but this pony was quite tenacious, and more agile than expected given her unseasobably flimsy clothing. At times Addy had to flank, or take shortcuts to out-maneuver. Luckily, she HAD spent months absorbing a good % of the drug market-share, and knew the sewers inside, outside and backward. And so finally, this particular pony - Subject 289 according to the doc - was haphazardly stumbling around a corner. A corner Addy had positioned herself at, running a thin fillament of plastic carved from an old water bottle across the threshold.
Oblivious to the trap, this blue pony crossed the threshold, her rear legs getting tangled, causing her to fall into a heap (though on the concrete, she should be thankful that).
<You dont need to run, Im not going to hurt you!
Addy stated at first. It might even be true, depending.
<I just want to talk to you
she said
<I just want some swag organs!
she thought
As she stood there, crouched unthreateningly over the blue pony, she realized that she looked a sight. Her mask - a recycled jumble of goggles, steel, and rubber - wasnt inviting; she literally repainted a raider's mask and called it a day, and that was weeks ago.
Pulling the clasp on the back of the mask, she pulled the whole thing off her face.

<There, now, lets talk
she invited the pony
The pony in question WAS the pony she was hired to locate and acquire, but that onLy complicated matters.
The doc - sketchy as he was - described a genetic mutation, capable of killing hundreds if not more. He referred to her as a weapon, specifically.
So when Addy confronted her, what she found was a very nervous, largely incapable, but otherwise sweet young mare. She wore lab clothing, no mistaking that, but she was mild/passive to a fault.
Addy offered her a few bites to eat - not her best cooking, but spam musubi is a pretty reliable prepped food even by Addys standards, and more available to make than fancier fare - which she consumed voraciously. In fact, it was a voracity she knew well.
<How long since ye last ate something? Addy asked knowingly, after Anne had eaten 5 of the little sushi-sammiches.
Anonymous
55986a2
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No.335461
335562
Quiet that this pony was, she became motionless.
"I... I dont.. know." Her eyes darted around briefly "11 days, 16 hours, 31 minutes and 18 seconds." she concluded, a moment later.
A brief silence passed between the two, in which Addy decided to try her luck.
<Ima be honest with ye. Theres a man lookin for ye. I know, cuz he hired me ta do it.
She said matter of factly.
<Im not gonna do it
She deliberately intoned, as the pony became visibly worried.
<Look. Me name's Adeline; call me Addy, but what the heyll is goin on wit yer friend?
"Friend..." she muttered, before her eyes started darting around in their sockets again, before regaining focus and looking back. "Subject Ellen - 287 - terminated. Subject 288 - Ethan - terminated. Subject 290 - Aberdine - terminated. Subject 291 - Agatha - terminated. Subject 292 - Esther - terminated. Subject 293 - Everett - terminated."
She maintained a weird eye contact while detailing that, very robotic and mildly unsettling to witness.

This blue pony, Addy's 'mark', was a biological experiment by the Foundation, part of a spectrum experiment geared toward producing ponies of advanced ability including combat.
<And what's yer name?
Addy asked softly, after a pause
"Name? Designated subject 289 - Anne." she stated detrminably, while looking at a wall she seemed to think was looking back.

Addy took a deep breath. Several deep breaths, actually.
<Anne, its me pleasure to meet ye. And I aint gonna do anything to ye, and Ill be honest, right were ye be is the best place to lay low and avoid attention. But I wanna talk about ye doc nao. Tell me about HIM.

About an hour later, Addy was approaching the door to vault 49. Everyone knew where it was, it was the only vault for miles that still had basic resources; food, water, shelter, medical supplies, etc. So, it was easy for Addy to get in without drawing too much attention. She had garnered some goodwill with a few of the dwellers, and regularly sold scavenged food to the cafe, so her presence wasnt unusual.

So she walked right inside the door, and along the hallway just past Overmare Belle's office, to the medical office.
Walking briskly inside, she caught the doc's sidelong glance from a microscope, before he began removing his gloves.
"Well, have you succeeded? Is there news?"
Addy hekd her hand up to stall him.
<Oh, I found 'er. She got away, but Ive got the area under surveillance. I'm ready to swoop in, ready to extract. I jus need ta clarify; am I taking her dead or alive?
"Dead would be preferred, if you feel you can manage." The doc said with a sigh.

<Alright. Ill bring her here, but I want me eyeball
"Yes, yes, I have it here." he says, proffering a vial with a teal-colored eye with little striations on it from all the circuitry and shit. "Just go and do YOUR job", he says dismissively/casually.
Addy takes a step toward the door.
<One last question
she says, putting her mask on.
Now, Addy wears her mask pretty often. Its got glass goggle lenses, a neoprene liner, a bit of armor reinforcement,... the thing is damn useful. However, she usually waits until she's OUTSIDE to putnher mask on.
She turns back to the doc, and with a blindingly quick movement, pulls out one of her tuna knives and hovers the tip about 4" from the doc's throat.
<Les say I do bring her back. Wha 'appens then? Do ye just go back to injecting 'er wit acid until her veins stop burnin away? Or perhaps ye just incinerate her for NOT dyin? Got any murr family o hers to exterminate once ye'v got er back under lock and key??
The doc takes a deep sigh. "You HAVE spoken to her then. Time is of the ESSENCE! Bring her back NOW, theres NO telling what trouble she might cause!"
<For whom?
The doctor sneers at that. "You have your 'bounty', 'hunter', better run along now."
<But Ive got just one more question,... and Im the one holding a sword,... so

and with a rapid 'pop-pop', both sides of the doctor's jacket fling forward, sending small balls of fuzz into the air.
Except for the bullets, there were those too. The first one embedded its self into Addy's right shoulder. The pain was,... new and exciting. It was a different flavor than she was accustomed to; more burning and unbearable pressure just under the skin, as opposed to the gaping wounds she was familiar with.
The pain in her shoulder rendered it inoperative, bit she was good enough with her teeth.
<Me turn
she said dashing forward, teeth clenching her Maguro Bocho (big ass tuna knife, look then up; theyre awesome)

Segue: Ashes town uses (usually) a contested combat system.
The attacker makes an attack roll. The defender makes a contest roll, has to beat.
However.
If the attacker rolls less than 50, thats their last attack. The defender still has to beat the attack, rolling higher.

If the attacker rolls over 50, the defender can only try to counter.
I dont recall exactly, but the 1st shot was like a 70, and I rolled a 40 ish.
"Great, my first mass RP scenario, and Im getting jewed by RNJesus" I think OOC
Anonymous
55986a2
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No.335462
335562
Second attack is a 40. Sweet. Contest is like a 55. Sweet!

Addy's turn. An 85ish. Hes got a pistol at short range. Addy has a proper sword.
His contest roll.
1.

Idk how the crit rules are for ashes, but he concedes immediately and disappears. He doesnt even explain it either. Like, I had to ask others later to tell me 'did he die' and 'yeah, he died, you won'.

After the fight, Addy cleans and bandages herself, acquires the eyeball, and makes her way out. Limping the whole way. The WHOLE way. (seriously, rping a limp is dedicated foolishness)
By the time she got near where to meet Anne, her sleeve was soaked trough with blood

A few days later, word of what Addy did made its rounds. Most ponies had never heard about Anne or doc who, or any of that. But, a few days later Anne would run up on Addy on her way to the bar.
Anne was all excited. Hearing that the doc wouldnt ever hurt her again and that her dead siblinngs could rest having been avenged and all the other smarmy shit had a tangible effect on Anne.
And, she was surprisingly gregarious! Social butterfly what? She wan nonstop!
But anyway, Anne had managed to connect with some allies. Apparently they were this 'really well trained' group of 'freedom fighters',... and they wanted to invite Addy to join them.
Addy approached this meeting with trepidation. This is the first time - other than feeding ppl - that she felt she had made a difference, since coming to equestria.
And so, she waited at the bar for them to arrive.

Meta, they were almost 2 hours late. And, they were french.

They did offer to let her join their group, and ngl, she did consider it. They were supposed to meet up again after a few days. The group wanted Addy to be Anne's bodyguard, and ngl, Addy liked the idea. Not sure about their guild - She would always be a Denver Bronco - but she liked Anne, so she was willing to give it a shot.

One week later, Addy is sitting at the Chipped Hoof bar, one of the last bastions of civility in the raw environment that had befallen Equestria. No word from Anne, or the group; she cant remember exactly but it was some ridiculous acronym. Addy wasnt here for the titles, she was here to see how her new friend was doing.

It would be several weeks before Addy and a crew of relief workers would reopen a cave tunnel that spiralled away from the vault entrance, and its a good thing too; If onky they had met her at the bar that day.

But for NOW Addy turned over to her favorite waitress. She was strawberry blond pony with an orange eye.
An eye, she had gotten shrapnel in one of them as a filly and it had gotten horribly and painfully infected, before needing removal. She wore a bandage patch, so it wasnt unpleasant to look at, but she was evidently self conscious of it.

<Oi, Kristen. 'Ere. Dunna tell a soul wots in that pouch
Kristen - the waitress - cups her hoof to catch the sliding pouch. She has a doubtful look on her face, but she pulls the drawstring and looks inside. Her one eye goes wide, and her hooves clap around the pouch with an expression of excitement and amazement. She manages to look at Addy, and with only a wink and a nod Addy replies.
'I told ye. Anything ye want, Ill find it fer ye"

Afterword
Anne and her guild compatriot were never seen again

>Fin

P.S. Quest-given eyeballs are like wishes in Ashes town. Everybody's lost an eye, but NO ONE actually has any.
And Addy spent 6 months (irl) looking for one, and when she DID find one she gave if for free to a barmaid, because that barmaid had made Addy's friends (the fillies) feel happy and welcome.
P.P.S. This story is true, and actually occurred through an organic mass roleplay scenario invving countless anons, and remains one of my proudest rp moments so I opted tk detail it in story format. Im onky i terested in anons finding it entertaining; idgaf about developing it in any way.
Anonymous
3018327
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No.335562
335579
>>335457
>>335460
>>335461
>>335462
Fantastic. 10/10
Anonymous
55986a2
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No.335579
335585 335586 335599
>>335562
Im glad that you enjoyed it anon. However
>10/10
That I cant abide. Id say 5.5-6 tops. For starters, I could have actually described the characters. Im not dissatisfied with it - it gets the story across okay I guess - but theres plenty of room for improvement. Part of the reason Im not interested in rewriting/developing is, I have a hard time differentiating between what I think will improve a story versus what will make the story more appealing to the reader. Left to my own devices, I could have gone off on tangents about Addy's clothes/armor, or more about how the glider worked, or what sorts of ponies were inhabiting the bar, etc.
If the story was to be longer, I could have included a section during the fight with the doc where she had a whole assortment of pistols in her inventory, but declined to use them because in-character she had never used a gun before and only had them because they were profitable which literally is not true, but its a great theme for the setting that works with the available game mechanics), or a host of other ideas.
But again, theres no telling ifnthat would improve the story.
As is, I feel the story tells the barest minimum to get the interactions across. Something in between a diary entry and a fly-on-the-wall account like you might hear in a bar, or a flashback that is triggered by the beginning of a told story.
Again, if length and continuation were the goal, theres plenty more elements to Ashes that I could incorporate, reference, allude/forshadow about, etc., and thats with knowing next to nothing about Fallout and FoE ngl, Nigel did.me a solid in making the GG threads unattractive, Im still willfully ignorant of most of Kkat's content .
The thing is, writing an episodic account of Addy's adventures is something Ive contemplated for a long time. Most is blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, but occasionally there are instances that absolutely deserve a mention in a storytelling session. But if I tried to put it all together into a single long story, I would ruin it for me ("No! Its not good enough! It needs more/less/idfk but Im not satisfied!") and imo for the reader, because I would have SO much to tell them thats gonna be referenced later in the story, nevermind that its buried in a 2-page sequence that has little to nothing to do with the reference; what, you missed that? Its clearly on page 165 down at the bottom,....
I think a trap alot of writers fall into is the idea that this is a living, breathing world for the audience; somewhere they are inevitably going to go back to and reexperience. Obviously there WILL(?) be such cases, but mostly the reader will move on to other stories/movies/wtfe once theyre finished with their current one, and all that remains is their recollections of the experience and whether it was enjoyable to them or not (specifically, whether they would use it as a positive or negative example in reference, recommendation, and discussion).
For this reason - even though I could probably critique my way into a better overall story (setting aside thentime/resource requirements), its hard to advise other people on what 'would' make their work(s) 'better', because perhaps what I would critique helps make the story more enjoyable to me but not tonthe greater audience; maybe what is aesthetic to me is cringe to others?
Idfk, these are some of then thoughts thatboccurred to me while writing it. Im glad for anyone who enjoyed it though. Thats my best Addy story so far but I might get a wild hair that turns into another episode at some point.
Anonymous
3018327
?
No.335585
335589
>>335579
>Id say 5.5-6 tops.
Nonsense The lowest I would put it is 7.5. you are too hard on your abilities.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.335586
>>335579
More to these points and beyond
Idk about you, but I have MUCH more time for a succinct short-story than an elaborate lengthy story, in the same sense that a solid anime serial will always be better than never-ending-series #7, and when it comes to such stories (with exception) I would rather wonder the details that contributed to this dialogue, that exchange, or these circumstances, than to have it spelled out or referenced extensively. As a simple example, I would rather see a flirtatious dialogue where maybe Im supposed to assume that the characters are interested in eachother(?) than to have it spelled out for me that this one wants that one's man-sausage. Humans simplify things out of necessity, dont remember or even notice 100% of their surroundings, and often misinterpret things that are otherwise determinable.
For example in this story, it was a mistake to say that Addy 'knew' that the doc was full of shit, because she hadnt done the work at the time; I was convinced at the time thatbhe was, and Addy had all the justification to intuit thatbhebwas, but declaring that she knew only works in the anecdotal story format where she isnusing the term 'know'to convey conviction. The author should only state what has been already established, rather than establishing through statement.
In my defense (I know, Im rambling), I threw the story together in a few hours cuz it was a story I wanted to tell to an affiliated individual. As8de from being a rhetorical account, it wasnt until afterward that I opted to post it as a whim. Thats not a justification, just an explanation.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.335589
335596
>>335585
Again, I appreciate the compliment. Still, considering how hard I am on Nigel, I think its only fair that I receive the same treatment. For one, it illustrates that yes, I am always like this. For two, I would rather decide later that I was too hard on myself than to decide I wasnt hard enough.
Anonymous
3018327
?
No.335596
335599 335613
>>335589
I understand why you would think that. but you don't write about Steven universe 69ing silver star apple.
Anonymous
52f447d
?
No.335599
>>335596
>you don't write about Steven universe 69ing silver star apple.
Who does? Not even whoever wrote all that stuff about Glimmer buttfucking my OC with a penis would write something that gay.
>>335579
This is a good story idea, and I think you could easily turn it into a longer story full of writer-ish less-greentexty prose if you wanted to.
Anonymous
52f447d
?
No.335600
335605 335830
Also general writing talk: Fuck preachy stories. I'm sick of them. I hate preachy videogames even more, especially when they restrict my choices.
Remember The Outer Worlds, which everyone thought was going to be "The Bethesda-killer" and "The next Fallout New Vegas" until they actually played it and realized it wasn't made by the same company that made FNV after all because so many had been replaced by invasive underqualified divershitters?
Hell, I hear the fucking woman writer (lead writer?) wrote cliche'd werewolf feminist porn for a living before getting this gig.
Anyway there's this bit where there's a Vicar and the game wants you to hate him because the writers do. You can't tell him his path was the right choice. You can either hate who he was, or make him abandon who he was.
And I hear TLOU2 makes you unable to shoot/burn/otherwise destroy Synagogue shit. Fuck that!
Anonymous
3148567
?
No.335605
335609 335709 335830
560.png
>>335600
Anonymous
52f447d
?
No.335609
335615 335636
>>335605
He hasn't had entirely silver fur like that in years. Now he's mostly orange.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.335613
>>335596
That doesnt mean I dont have my own cringey fixations I cant help but mention at any opportunity. The apparent absence of parallel does not equate to a lack of parallel
>>335596
Thats good of you to say, and I appreciate it. However, Im not sure. I mean the greentexty interjections are to do with the origins of the recounting; to tell someone who was familiar with gaming (and Addy) but who had never played Ashes Town. In a different scenario Id have omitted those bits. Or would I?
In any case, part of what made this easier than writing a full-on story is that the only creativity applies to how I retell the story; the events all occurred, its just a matter of determining exactly how to convey the info. Outside of artistic license (which I did employ) the details and context were established. Its what happened; I dont know that I could come up with an overarching storyline especially one that grows beyond the established content.
Anonymous
3148567
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No.335615
335636 335645 335709
561.png
>>335609
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.335616
Fuck it, Im here now, might as well.
In previous attempts to conceptualize a longer story or more episodes I was looking at the beginning of her arrival in Fequestria, and the varying degrees of her experiences.
In that context, I could describe the environment and some of the geography, leading ultimately to her coming across the infamous LIAR statue.
Addy has known a few ponies in her day, and has heard plenty of stories about Equestria from pre-FoE ponies. So, the beginning of the story (its self a continuation of other stories) would involve the disillusionment of hearing of magical Equestria, and coming to terms what Fequestria is and making the best of or simply surviving the experience.
Then in another episode, she would have acquired some things and learned other things about the situation, on route to accomplish the objective of finding permanent shelter, which wouldnlead into an RP episode that happened and affected her notoriety and reputation in the area. If I dug deep, I could come up with a total (previous included) of maybe 5?

Ive had a fixation with retelling RPG stories and weaving them together into a continuous storyline, qnd ngl Ive been doing it off and on for decades; Addy is the youngest member of a generational family, all of who's experiences and deeds have led to her as the 'psion' of the family. THAT story however is too long to EVER tell with any quality, brevity, or timeliness.
Anonymous
4a484a8
?
No.335636
Nigel Jew Pony CWC Comic.jpg
no reply.png
fucking nigel.png
>>335609
>>335615
>Did someone mention the silver slur?
Anonymous
52f447d
?
No.335645
335658 335660
>>335615
I said mostly orange. Not completely.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.335658
335671
>>335645
And thats relevant how? Not doing my usual thing in this, Im speaking to how the character is whatever he is remembered as.
Thats a little to do with why Indidnt describe the characters in mine, because what they look like - while allowing the imagination to be more accurate - really doesnt affect the story at all.
Anonymous
3148567
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No.335660
335671 335696 335709
562.png
>>335645
Anonymous
52f447d
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No.335671
335673
>>335660
Lmao no it's his face that has the silver part, not his horn
>>335658
I can't understand what you're saying. Could you word that differently?
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.335673
335694 335696
>>335671
How about we get back to topic instead?
Anonymous
3018327
?
No.335694
>>335673
>Nigel
>Topic
Pick only One
Anonymous
52f447d
?
No.335696
335709
>>335660
You know what's strange? There is a Simpsons locatoon called "Sneed's Feed & Seed", where feed and seed both end in the sound "-eed", thus rhyming with the place's namesake, Sneed. If, perhaps, a different person was the place's namesake, for instance, someone named "Chuck", the place's name would naturally follow a new rhyming scheme based off that name as well, but if Silver Star Apple's name instead started with a G, his name would be Gilver Star Apple, and Gilver is Vergil backwards from a certain point of view. This is because his shit personality was partly inspired by Vergil and all the Vergil knockoffs out there. However, Vergil is a faggot and Dante is cool. That is why he uses a hoverboard in combat instead of a katana. He was never meant to be Vergil.

>>335673
You're right, talking about people instead of their work is irrelevant to the writing thread.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.335709
335733
>>335605
>>335615
>>335660
Frenly remi der that this post >>335696 is because of (you)
>>335696
Thats why you take every opportunity to talk about yourself right? Shut the fuck up. Your writing is so horrid that one can improve simply by not doing what you do. This means that your writing will always be on topic, as it is a guide by which anyone can improve.
The point being made previously is that it really doesnt matter what the character description is outside how it relates to the story. In my story, I omitted descriptions, which was a mistake at first, bit realistically it avoids unnecessary detail. One doesnt need to know the character appearances to convey the events, so it really doeant matter how the audience decides the characters look.
Ill use an example: An author can decide all they want what they want a character to look like, but the conceptualization is in the mind of the reader. It doesnt matter if Silver 'Literally All the Penises' were to change his pelt to musou black, theres enough encrusted and caked semen that he will always appear grayish silver.
Meanwhile, his color has zero relevance to the story and could as readily be ommitted as included without any incrwase or reduction in quality.
It doesnt fucking matter what you want the character to look like, especially if your story is so bad that no one wants to read it.
Another problem writers get caught up in is a fixation with the idea that their story has inherent quality.
No story has inherent quality.
A skilled author could literally narrate paint drying, and it would be better than the most over-the-top, shounen-inspired, power/self-insert fantasy one could come up with.
In the former case, the author is starting with nothing and building it ip.
In the latter case the author is starting with nothing and building it up.
Concepts? Plans? Sequences?
None of that is quality. Theyre just details and elements.
The quality of writing is expressed, its not inherent.

Meaning, you cant plan your way into good writing. It doesnt matter what you 'think of' or 'decide'.

All that fucking matters is how you execute
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.335712
And on the subject of execution, I feel that a 5.5-6 is a fair to generous score given the glaring mistakes that were made, opportunities that were not utilized, and ommissions that might have bee. relevant.
How can one rate anything if theyre not going to be realistic? The rating is not based on enjoyment level, thats a subset of the rating.
Ill give an example; the movie Double Team is a time honored mpvie classic featuring the two acting powerf
houses, Jean Claude Van Dam, and Dennis Rodman. The movie is a fucking gem, and I recommend everyone watch it.
Does that mean it gets a high rating? Absolutely not, its absolute garbage, but its outstandingly enjoyable because and in spite of that.
Or the most classic, Tommy Wiseau's The Room.
Go on, unironically say it was a 10/10, or anything in the neighborhood. Keyword, unironically.

"I liked it" is fine and wonderful. One hopes that people enjoy what they produce. That doesnt mean a high rating applies (7.5/10 is pretty high, all considered, unless one's scale is way off), especially for what is legitimately a first draft.
Anonymous
52f447d
?
No.335733
335744
>>335709
To tell you the truth it doesn't bother me when people call my character gay or draw him with that weird squidward nose and random jewish shit. I'm no longer at the age where that sort of thing bugs me. I know his story was crappily written six years agoe. Or seven. Ten years ago? I forget. Whenever teen me wrote it, it was shit. But bringing back old pictures of how he used to look and defacing them doesn't really have any bearing on the character he is now or what I'm writing today.
Anonymous
c499a58
?
No.335744
335751
>>335733
>haha it totally doesn't bother me
>that's why I reply to every single post
>to show them all how much it totally doesn't bother me
Anonymous
52f447d
?
No.335751
335830
>>335744
This narrative-war would hold more weight if I had never once ignored this sort of thing whenever someone tries to distract me and bait me into a shouting contest.
I don't respect people who behave like that and I don't care what they think of me or what they have to say about me. This thread isn't about me. This is a thread for writing.
Have you considered taking any grudge against me and using it as fuel to get you through my recent Fequestria story, so you can review it?
Gee, I sure hope you don't post a critical review of my story here (that is reverse psychology, plz review my story)
sage
sage
f6f5f09
?
No.335830
>>335751
>derail thread with ridiculous Nigel-tier bullshit
>get bantzed on for derailing thread with ridiculous Nigel-tier bullshit
>blame thread derailment on some fictitious conspiracy theory against you
>"hay guize let's all stop derailing the thread, m'kay?"
>repeat unto infinity
Why do you do this? Why? Why can't you stop?

This is probably a complete waste of my time, but I'm going to once again spell things out for you, the same way it has been explained to you I don't know how many thousands of times by probably every single poster on this board at this point.

Here is the post you originally made, that led to you getting bantzed on:

>>335600
>hurr durr here's my completely unsolicited opinion on some fucking video game
>literally nobody asked
>literally nobody cares
>it has literally fuck-all to do with the topic of the thread
>here it is anyway

Here, a completely appropriate response was made to your idiotic off-topic post:
>>335605

Since you seem to completely lack the ability to comprehend visual language, here is the meme explained. The image of your retarded Silver "fuck me in the ass and mouth because I am a literal homosexual" Star character, rendered as a Jew with a floppy dick for a nose, represents (You). This is not a commentary on your story, or your shit character, or anything you've written. That is not to say that your writing isn't terrible; it quite clearly is, for reasons that are a matter of public record at this point. However, that is not what this meme is about. It is about you. Personally. This is your avatar on this board, whether you like it or not. This is how you are perceived. This stupid OC you made and tried to shove down everyone's throat four years ago, edited to look like a Jew with a floppy dick for a nose, represents YOU. That is how everyone on this board sees you. You have literally no one to blame but yourself for this.

The hand holding the microphone, with the MLPOL logo, represents this website. It is a reference to an existing meme on 4chan. Since you don't seem to understand memes that don't have anything to do with garbage Shonen anime, here is an example of the 4chan meme that is being parodied:
https://knowyourmeme.com/photos/2046992-soy-boy-face-soyjak

On 4chan, this meme is used in response to bots, shills, and other unwanted posters. The implication is that some retard came from Twitter, Reddit, or some place similar, and posted their retard opinions on 4chan. The meme is a quick visual shorthand, used to denigrate a poster whose actual post is not worth the bother of typing a reply to.

In this particular instance, the meme has been modified to this specific situation. The visual language is the same. You, Nigel, have posted something idiotic that LITERALLY FUCKING NO ONE cares about, or asked about. You are standing in front of a microphone, representing MLPOL as a community, and voicing your unsolicited opinions. That's what this means. That's what this is saying. It's not an attack on your OC or your writing, although pretty much any attack on those things would be equally justified. However, the meaning here is far simpler: You, Nigel, have said something incredibly stupid, that nobody cares about, that nobody asked about, that has nothing to do with the topic of the thread, and you are being called out on it. If you want to avoid this kind of response to your posts, the solution is even simpler:

STOP POSTING EVERY RIDICULOUS THOUGHT THAT POPS INTO YOUR HEAD.

That's it. That's all you have to do. Just engage with the board in a normal fashion, the way everyone else here has learned to do. Don't post stupid, off-topic nonsense that nobody cares about. If you have a thought about some random video game mod, keep it to yourself. If you really, really want to share your personal opinion of some obscure episode of Ben 10 Alien Jizz Force, don't. Just don't. That's literally all you have to do.

If you have something intelligent and relevant to contribute to a thread, feel free to contribute. Otherwise, just don't post. It really is that simple.
Anonymous
52f447d
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No.335845
335847
I was thinking... my FE story started with me asking political questions first and asking story questions later. That's why the pacing grinds to a screeching halt whenever the text starts telling you something onscreen action or a flashback should show. There is a lot of ground to cover. A lot of story needs to happen.

I was thinking... perhaps I should take my time with a massive story like this and split it into a series of sevenish books chronicling the course of the hero's life.

Also, fanfiction is inaccessible to many. It requires knowledge of other characters and settings from an external source and alienates newcomers, or it pisses off long-time fans of the source material by recapping shit about the characters they already know. My story gains no benefits from being pony fanfiction besides being able to put filly Twilight Sparkle in an anachronistic situation to raise eyebrows and hook confused readers. But while this is fanfiction of a fanfiction it doesn't have to be tied to FE inherently. FE does a ton of dumb shit I want to parody but if I went too far with that it would turn out like all those old gamer webcomics that think "haha crates in videogames and health bars sure are strange. Who is leaving all this ammo and food around for me to collect in the goddamn motherfucking post apocalypse?" is comedy gold. And that kind of humor at the expense of the world's believability harms the reader's ability to take this world seriously which harms any political message. I assume it would, anyway.

A story can be about a failed society losing its way and ending in nuclear annihilation and getting back on its feet with the power of big guns and Jesus without needing deathclaws, or zebras, or 10mm pistols, or even ponies.

I enjoy making webcomics for fun but I haven't uploaded them because I don't like them enough. But perhaps this sort of story is webcomic material. Or light novel material? It's certainly more accessible than a 2 million word fanfic of a fanfic.
sage
sage
f6f5f09
?
No.335847
335854
>>335845
>I was thinking... why not take this long-ass pile of shit that I wrote and make it even longer?
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.335854
335888
>>335847
Okay, this is a bit of a longshot, but here goes.
What if everyone ITT takes a break? Like, no sageposts, no replies, like, effectively boycott the thread?

The point is this. An indeterminate number of anons have already refused to participate on the board because of the unwillingness of moderators to moderate Nigel on the board. Last seen, many were holding out in the Mlpol discord Nigel isnt permitted on, as well as lost to the internet. Dunno what happened to that discord, I quit sometime before the Nazi-related discord purges.

In any case, I propose that anons stop posting ITT for an indefinite peroid. The intent would be to indicate that content could be very readily ceased, if the issue (Nigel and his behavior) remains unaddressed. Mlpol depends on user content, and perhaps if enough anons make a concerted effort to decline participation, staff can be made to appreciate that Nigel is a really shitty hill for the site to die on.
I guarantee Lotus would take action if Nigel infested his /vx/ game and everyone else left, so it stands to reason that it might be effective in this context.
Anonymous
52f447d
?
No.335888
335896
>>335854
It's like a Union of commies who think being numerous gives them the power to call the shots and decide how power is used.
What makes this union so convinced that I need to be "moderated" how they want(silenced) when I'm the one posting about writing in the writing thread and the anti-Nigel union is posting off-topic nigel hate outside of the designated shitting and nigel hate thread?
Anonymous
71b90cf
?
No.335896
335912 335947 335972
1538333181452.png
1538255250148m.jpg
1538337739717.jpg
1539111775442.png
1538836855975.png
>>335888
>Peers are gommies because they found flaws that I won't fix.
<When (you)r like a leftoid tranny mongrel.
Do you see why your collectivist and individualist framework haphazardly mixed with political idiocy doesn't quite work here? Will you tune out?
Anyway this is my final advice for you. Good luck.
Anonymous
27b7dbc
?
No.335912
>>335896
>fifth pic
>Most of /pol/ are social outcasts who probably have damaged amigdalas from social isolation
Very likely, and proud of it.
Anonymous
52f447d
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No.335947
335952 335968 335972
>>335896
Why do you keep talking like this?
"I hate you, give up, you will never be a writer, me and my discord buddies are going on strike until mods shut you up for good" is not writing advice. It is not valuable feedback.
Where is the writing advice there? Am I wrong to see this talk as valueless narcissism? How the fuck is this talk supposed to improve my fanfiction?
>fanfiction?
Instead of telling yourself it's my problem I'm not getting the message you want to hear, why not ask yourself what your message really is and how you're conveying it? Is this really about me any more, or is it about something else? Striking like a union to get your way... How often have striking unions been laid off or replaced? I'd expect this in an office full of power-politicking and pointless social espionage.
When I was less than ten, somebody on youtube told me to kill myself through the medium of youtube comments. My response was "No, fuck off". And I survived. I'm sure that in the moment it felt good for him to regurgitate paragraphs full of the typical butthurt copypasta spiel. He yelled everything he could hoping something would bother me, and seemed to think he and his sycophantic friend group of fiveish made up a full jury of my peers. "You are fat, you have no life, blah blah virgin blah, you are this bad word and that bad word and this buzzword and that one, I sure do have a lot of tolerance I swear but I cannot tolerate you so there, you are gay and if you disagree with me you are double gay, you are racist and if you disagree with me you are double racist, I have encountered many people I disliked but you are the biggest insert negative descriptor here, you will be a virgin forever, you will live in your mom's basement forever", and so on. All of that bullshit talk was for his pleasure, not for any constructive purpose, and I place no value in it. He was just pissing into the wind and telling himself that's my problem.
Anonymous
52f447d
?
No.335952
335968 335972
>>335947
Some extra info about that guy from years ago...
While plenty of irrelevant details about him and how he spoke to me faded, I'll never forget what a faggot he was when he felt like he wasn't getting his way, because he was the first faggot I ever encountered online and at the time his unnatural behaviour shocked and confused me. How could someone over four times my age be so irrational, I wondered.
He said whatever he thought would help him in his social war. He said his problem was with my attitude, my age, my avatar, my race, and blah blah blah. He said a lot of things. But his problem wasn't truly with me or anything I said. He was just pissed that I was there, because he wanted me gone. He felt entitled to have that, and when he didn't get it, out came the threats, the whining, the projection, random pngs and gifs, accusations of foul play and bad faith, the suicide demands, kafkatrapping, trying to use typical lefty non-arguments like "multiple people agree with me", and so on. I'm pretty sure we were arguing over Pokemon before he blew up and stayed that way for months.
Anonymous
8c410bd
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No.335968
335970 335975
1572324899637.jpg
>>335947
>>335952
Just make a thread where you can dump all your
>Something downed on me
>I was thinking about X
>Going into unnecesary or otherwise boring "lore" of a goddamn meme
>Literally every long wall text

Trust me, i've been very close to blog-post about the "battle system" i came up with for my fic, several times, but i realised each and every time that no-body cares, we are not entitled to receive deep critique and analysis on every and all details and definately not spontaneous ideas, seriously anon, we are all kinda busy ye know?
Anonymous
8c410bd
?
No.335970
335975
>>335968
If you may be so kind as to actually reply this time, remember it's very late here
Anonymous
94e0d6e
?
No.335972
336014 336019
>>335947
No, Fuck Off and see the damned post ids.
Now look at what I posted.
>boycott
Fuck that, but fuck you too.
>hate you
The most my emotions have been with you is irritation. Consistent irritation but only irritation.
>"what your message really is"
You ignore the details you didn't bother seeing if I was the same damned Anon.
Putting shit in others mouths is bad form. Break apart my messages pull it piece by piece you'll find it satisfactory.
>>335952
>Life story.

Fine. I'll spell it out.
>>335896
Pic 1. Physically you've improved. You're tackling your irl social situation better than before. But here? The social communication online is the stuff of tisue paper. It ends up in the toilet with piss and shit.
>Not my problem
Pic 2. You can do whatever you do as in your agency of ultimate freedom. But others can do the same. If some sandnigger goes beating his wife and making an unholy racket at all hours constantly, there's a problem.
You tell the sandnigger some easy solutions to get a wife that doesn't need to be beaten. Then sandnigger never brings it up again or applies it. The screaming and beatings continue unabated.
What really I'm the fag sandnigger not you?
Pic 3. Ask the questions and see what is up. Who, what, where, why, how, is this for sure, ect. On and on and on. You're thinking for yourself and not what other people told you. What the fuck is the sandnigger not getting the message, you said it in whatever dunecoon speak too. Maybe it's pearls before swine, so just give up.
Except for the whole bloody screaming and beatings being seen and heard 24/7.
Let's say hypothetically it's because of the past, or the future, or the whatever the fuck previous preconception was.
Pic 4. Consider the following, maybe some past shit was fucktardedly wrong. Maybe since the sandnigger got assraped and the screams back then went heard maybe yelling while beating the spouce pretending to get one up on past shadows is doing something. Okay but the neighbors are pissed off, maybe some are secretly horny for that soundtrack, but it's no longer self contained. It's spilling over. Maybe this is all a misunderstanding.
Pic 5. /pol/-tards (ie at least me) have bizarre social niceties due to multiple factors. (Isn't that an excuse? No, is groun work to develop common ground.) I've rewired my brain and subconscious to properly do this shit. You can change, I can change, it's in the human range of capabilities.
I believe I know my unseen mental structures and those permutations, that I suggest developing your own way forward. You can copy what I do, it works when every piece is in Place. But I know not to infringe on the very essence (soul) on what makes people people. So I suggested continual self improvement.
As a certain point it is no longer humanly feasible to individually work on ones self anymore without losing vital aspects at which point there is nowhere else to go but down, so instead the surroundings can be raised up.
Then the environment, teamwork, and friendship by similar or divergent methods arise as everyone is just a little bit better.

I literally (as in the original intent of literally) don't want you to die, or whatever faggotry. That means live, maybe live it well despite the odds and bullshit.
When I was ten or so I fully considered and planned how to an-hero myself to remove the waste of space I thought I was. Because then the world would have been a better place. Except that's a fucking false misinformative way of thinking so my considerations halted upon second opinion.
So I've offered you my unsolicited and solicited advice, thought these years at the dismay of others who've did similar acts. There's nothing else new I can give that would make it better without you doing some leg work. And if I keep repackaging the messages again and again even more I'd be robbing the highest potential you could get from all of this.
Anonymous
94e0d6e
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No.335975
136028.png
>>335970
>>335968
Ponies uuuu.
Nice post.
Anonymous
52f447d
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No.336014
>>335972
>Nobody has ever said "You will never be a writer"
>>330581
>But with the most heartfelt sympathy, you will never be a real writer.
If you're only going to dismiss what I have to say about what y'all have to say about me, is this really a conversation?
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.336019
336023 336592 336595
>>335972
>look at what I posted
He wont, hes already hard at work revising what you said in his mind. Its clearly evident with the statement:
>If you're only going to dismiss what I have to say about what y'all have to say about me, is this really a conversation?
This goes back years anon, even before the /go/ threads. Go on, take a gander:
https://mlpol.net/qa/archive/2631#2631
Notice that aside from rhetorical simplifications in form of bantz and refutations, I dont put words in his mouth, I let his words, behavior, and morbidly comical reimaginings of 'what was said/happening' to speak for him.

Nigel cares more for himself than anything else. More than the board, more than his writing, bar none. He has been the single most disruptive element on the board ever since. His entitlement is on full display every time he decides to blog/off-topic post, in whatever thread he decides will be improved by his opinion, the why of which I have made quite evident with the resources in the narcissism thread.
Nigel will not self-regulate.
I repeat. Nigel will not self regulate.
All the while, the nigger continues to beat his wife. Plenty of content-creating anons have already moved out, expressly because of the nigger AND the staff that wants to act like 'well he's paying his rent on time'.
I suppose thats not accurate. Per his retorts, Nigel wishes all the people around him would stop beating his wife so he can get some sleep.
This is not going to be resolved by appeals to the nigger, because Ive been trying since August '17, at earliest identified post (theres a few older examples I havent dug up yet, but srsly check the /qa/ archive, theres 4 glimmerposting threads in there). The nigger thinks its right for him to beat his wife, and everyone ELSE is the problem.
Ill reiterate.
>If you're only going to dismiss what I have to say about what y'all have to say about me, is this really a conversation?
In perspective.
<If you're only going to dismiss my excuses for beating my wife while I continue to beat my wife and you tell me to stop, is this really a conversation?
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.336020
Meanwhile, since this thread hit bump limit, Id like to advise anons to think long and hard about what this thread is supposed to be about, and then what it inerrantly becomes about due to one very specific nigger who wont stop beating his wife for almost 5 years now.
Anonymous
8c410bd
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No.336023
336028
>>336019
>https://mlpol.net/qa/archive/2631#2631
Lmao, i actually remember that one

>336014
Can you ever drop your ego and take critique for what it is without putting a billion filters in place?
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.336028
>>336023
>can you drop
Im not trying to bully, but have you looked into any of the detailed analysis and corroboration Ive provided?
No, he cant and wont drop, and any appearance that he has is laying low and biding his time. The problem is psychological and neuro-chemical, and once his levels get to a certain threshold his psychology takes over and you get what we have been getting for 5 years now.
Ignoring it wont make it go away. Negotiating wont make it go away. Incentivizing (with actual cash) will not make it go away. Bullying him into submission will not make it go away. Endlessly citing, providing examples, and corroborrating behaviors and criticisms will not make it go away.
And most definitely, Nigel and staff will not make it go away.
>I guess I should go away
How many anons are going to come to that conclusion before the site is even more of a graveyard than it has been allowed to become?
Anonymous
c3f3a97
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No.336296
336311
Should there be a second thread or should we abandon the concept of a writethread general, which this —while intended to be more in the line of a support group— kinda is?
Anonymous
6544a59
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No.336311
336320
>>336296
I have no objections to there being another thread, however I strongly and emphatically advise being very specific with what is - and is not - off topic
Anonymous
c3f3a97
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No.336320
336503
>>336311
Sure, though I'd say that this one started off with a very clear distinction in it's OP of what is and isn't on topic. Meaning: I feel you, but I doubt me —or whoever makes the next thread— being more precise will change anything. With the exception for that one time that I told Nigel that he could post his F:E rants here instead of in GG's thread or whatever I said, I do think —as I said before— that the OP forms a mold of what fits in the thread and what doesn't.
Anonymous
55986a2
?
No.336503
>>336320
In that event, I would do something like the following:
This thread IS for writing development, advice, suggestions, submissions, and input.
It is NOT a place to pitch ideas or delegate brainstorming to anons. It is especially not a place to derail with hypothetical exposition or unrelated theories or observations.
If anons have worked on something that they would like to be analyzed, feel free to post. However, this is not where to post/discuss what ideas they "are thinking about".

Something along those lines.
The flipside is that anons ITT would have to be increasingly diligent in confronting such derails, but that will be easier with clear, decisive, and consistent addressing of the problem should it arise, at which point staff would (ideally) have a clear-cut case for taking action should any particular anons persist.
Tl;dr. OP has to be clear, and anons have to be on board with that clarity in order to maintain any semblence of adherence to the OP intent.
Anonymous
52f447d
?
No.336591
Do you think my FE story was laying the politics on too thick, too fast?
I get that the "fuck the original FE" talk was too abundant and randomly calling the reader's mother fat in the prose was unexpected.
But my story didn't have much of a focus on any one political issue.
There were many good reasons why Lionheart was shit, even though Fimfic users personally disliked the story for gay dumb idiot reasons.
Abortion, white genocide, libtards, fake rebels serving the system in "smash the system" shirts from sweatshops, double standards, outlawed public gatherings(I wrote the scene where funeral visitors for the youngest kid ever get killed by cops before the Canadian Honking where cops attacked protestors), narcissistic out of control whore karens who look down on their working class servants, overly demanding female bosses, zombie businesses paid to be alive by the govt for being owned by anyone but us, divorcescamming thief women, political attempts to make impoverished wageslaves of the poor, the average woman's cruelty towards autists and towards those who don't fit her definition of beautiful like wolf girls and spider girls, fuck battle saddles, meat would be plentiful if not for libtards, and so much more. There were so many issues to cover and so little time. I don't think I spent enough time covering each one. I don't think I covered them in the right order either. By the time the reader got one thing, if he even did get it, I had already zoomed on to the next thing. There's so much to cover I don't know where to begin. You could fill a million books with all the things the average normalfag doesn't know about politics, so where do I start with chapter one?

Remember that movie with Bregna, the city with walls? Bregna sounds like pregna and the people are clones, because the cure to a virus that put scientists in charge rendered people infertile. But nature is fixing itself and outside the walled city things are great, and the evil scientist baddie is trying to cover the truth up to remain in control. The cum balloon- I mean DNA Dirigible is crashed into the wall to reveal the truth: the world outside is not a wasteland, it's fine. It's all focused on subtly questioning the "perfection" of a walled city where technocratic scientists control life and reproduction and knowledge. It's not the best movie around but it was ahead of its time. And no extra messages about the pozzed music industry are there to confuse and overwhelm the audience or make them write the story off for being too scary and dark and critical of the original FE.

So do you think my story should have fewer political messages, and more focus on the most important messages?
Anonymous
52f447d
?
No.336592
336639
>>336019
Writing fanfics you don't like isn't beating anyone's wife holy shit, why are you always like this?
Anonymous
52f447d
?
No.336595
>>336019
It bugs you that I am here because you want me gone. You have remained butthurt for years and you will stay butthurt. You might think you win when you convince people to trust you over me and take your word at face value even when the evidence contradicts it, but this is good for me. I wouldn't want to talk to anyone who'd believe you over "their own lying eyes".
Anonymous
55986a2
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No.336620
>336591
>336592
>336595
Need I say more?
Anonymous
55986a2
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No.336622
You know what? Have fun with Nigel. Ive done enough personal work that I can handle.notnbeing a regular on the site. It wont be pleasant, and I wont like it. But.
Hes YOUR problem now.
Anonymous
8c410bd
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No.336639
1572718070407.jpg
>>336592
>i am literally as guilty as you of the same behaviour
I take that back, i can't even tell if you are kidding at this point
;