/mlpol/ - My Little Politics


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Writefag Circle
Anonymous
161e2ce
?
No.299458
299459 299464 299478 300871
Welcome. This thread is for you Anons who wishes to improve your writing or just chill among Anons that do.
This is suppose to be a chill af thread. It's fine if it becomes a slider thread. I'll only make a new one of these if there is intrest.

>What is the need for this thread when we already have Glimglam's review thread and Anonfilly?
Compared to Glimglam's thread this thread is about what we Anons will or want to create. The only reviewing that might happened here is incidental, as in providing critic to some other work through comparison with the work at hand, and when one Anon tells another what his opinions of their work is.
This thread is first and foremost about producing stories.
This cannot be done in the Anonfilly thread since it is about Anonfilly first and foremost.

>Why a thread like this? Cannot we just have threads pop up organically because an Anon chose to post a green?
Yes, you are right. And this thread is absolutely not against other threads that circle around a singular story made by an Anon.
What this thread really is, is a form of support group for anyone wanting to write but are struggling with something in their writing process, like myself.
I thought it would be a good idea to talk to other Anons who also have similar goals about our stories and are struggling in creating them. Maybe, you struggle on something I don't and maybe I struggle on something you don't and therefore we can provide advice to each other on how to overcome our problems? Maybe some mysterious wise Anonsage lurks and our discussion prompts him to tell us his method he gained from meditating on top of K2 for five years without chicken tendies.

As stated before this is relaxed thread. If you like the thread, you don't have to pressure yourself into posting something to bump it. If anyone would like a continuation of it, I'll post a new one if it hits the archive. It's also okay to get off topic sometimes as well. I understand that conversations can lead to tangents and that it can be a relief finding someone else to talk to about things with, especially if few shares the perspective. If things get out of hand, I, or someone else, will ask you to kindly take this discussion to another thread or more fitting board, even perhaps. As an actual sugguestion, not a hidden insult. You and another Anon might discover something really intresting to talk about so why not create a thread about it?
Memetexts are, of course, welcomed.
Also, you don't have to share your problems if you don't want to. If you feel like telling us about your story that's enough. Story ideas can be really intresting to listen to and it might help you in return. Again, only do that if you want to.

So that's about it for the thread's header. The rest that follows is about me.

Right now, I thought about making the most simplest story I could think off. It's a simple hero's journey story. I do this because of two reasons. First off, I wanna know that I can start a project and see it to the end. I have only succeeded in finishing short stories before, you see, so this time I wanna try something longer. I also wanna keep it simple so that I don't get overwhelmed during the process of writing it.
Anonymous
161e2ce
?
No.299459
299464
>>299458
>This cannot be done in the Anonfilly thread since it is about Anonfilly first and foremost.
Or, rather becuase every story has to be about filly in the Anonfilly htread but here it can be about anything.
Anonymous
5ff6779
?
No.299464
299468
579351__tbc_placeholder.jpeg
File (hide): 2D06C1363A2828758996CDBC59DFD442-1497462.m4v (1.4 MB, Resolution:480x360 Length:00:00:33, The Emperor_s New Groove - You Threw Off My Groove.mp4) [play once] [loop]
The Emperor_s New Groove - You Threw Off My Groove.mp4
>>299458
>>299459
Thanks friend!
>Right now, I thought about making the most simplest story I could think off. It's a simple hero's journey story. I do this because of two reasons. First off, I wanna know that I can start a project and see it to the end. I have only succeeded in finishing short stories before, you see, so this time I wanna try something longer. I also wanna keep it simple so that I don't get overwhelmed during the process of writing it.
It's certainly something when it's done with the right mindset. That you did it! Along the way regrets and wanting to perfect it comes up, but I think the important part is doing it start to finish first.
My advice is to Just-Do-It. Anything related to the story that can be referenced every day. A short note, a character thing or a sentence or two. Or more. From my limited experience having an unexpected break can throw off one's groove.
I'm looking foward to what you've got.
Anonymous
161e2ce
?
No.299468
>>299464
>Along the way regrets and wanting to perfect it comes up, but I think the important part is doing it start to finish first.
I agree.
>Anything related to the story that can be referenced every day. A short note, a character thing or a sentence or two. Or more.
I'm not sure what you're trying to say, frien.

>I'm looking foward to what you've got.
I'm still working out the outline but I know what it is about, thematically. It will be a while before I have anything written. It mostly depends on how much I work on it. I don't have a scheduale for when I should write per week or day. In fact, I have hard to with focus and structure.
As the comic stripe you have attached, I won't be putting to much pressure on myself because I don't want to hate myself if I fail to preform.
Anonymous
01504c3
?
No.299470
299472
thumbs-up.jpg
Feelan really good about my current writefag project. Novella-length, non-pone. This might be the first one I seriously try to make money off of.
Anonymous
161e2ce
?
No.299472
299474
>>299470
Sounds great. Hope you succeed.
Not to put the cart before the horse but how do you intend to sell it? Like, there are many alternatives today. Well, I guess there are two: Online or through a publisher.
Anonymous
01504c3
?
No.299474
299475
>>299472
Publisher. There's one I've worked with who's enjoyed some short stories and poems I wrote, so I figure if I can write a longer work that's actually good there's a decent chance he'll take it. Small, independent publishers definitely seem like the best option for unknown writers in my opinion. Major publishing houses probably toss your manuscript straight into the trash if you're not a famous name or haven't sucked someone's dick, and self-publishing can lock you out of certain opportunities such as professional cover art and advertising, plus the fact that most book stores won't carry self-published works.

It sort of is putting the cart before the horse, but I do think that having a publisher in mind can actually help you while you're writing. That is to say, you can tailor your story to your prospective publisher's tastes and hopefully have a better chance of being accepted as a result.

But yeah, I've definitely got to actually hammer out the story before worrying too hard about all that.
Anonymous
161e2ce
?
No.299475
>>299474
>There's one I've worked with who's enjoyed some short stories and poems I wrote
Cool.
You write poems? I find that and riddles really hard to make and, in regards to riddles, hard to solve. I just find it hard to rythme or find words that convey the meaning that I want but also rythme. That's actually one of the reasons why I was impressed by the first part of Doki Doki Literature Club. The guy had actually put the effort into writing poems in different styles for each character.

I have at times thought about finding a artist to partner up with. It would be cool if one could make a comic or something together with someone who can draw.
However, I try to keep my thoughts away from such dreams because I'm far away from that being a possibility.
Anonymous
927b04a
?
No.299478
299488
>>299458
Awesome idea. The only reason I still go to 4-leaf-clover-chan is for /lit/. Haven't been able to find anything comparable on alt chans, high hopes for here.
Anonymous
927b04a
?
No.299480
299488
Is it possible to write about an essay about my own thoughts or feelings about something without coming off preachy? Or am I forced to write an analogous but fictional story and hope people make the connection?
Anonymous
17759f5
?
No.299481
299496
Writing is hard. Sure, you can write, yet there is a hidden layer that puts things into perspective. When I read someone's work on fimfiction (one that hits one thousand likes, no less) I can definitely sense a distinct way of how the story reveals itself.

And to add a spoon of bitterness to this already spoiled broth, I am a foreigner so it's double the amount of pain whichever sentense is natural to write or not.

See what you did there? I added a figurative trope to make things interesting. Writing is a perfect combination of good wording and imaginative story telling. But it is also ten times more than that.

I think that the more time is spent practicing and inspiring one's imagination - the better it gets. Simular to writing, I remember my drawings seven years prior to this moment and I can say that my artistic talent got a bit better (they're still shit, but at least I am more aware of the most common mistakes). We all know the definition of insanity from farcry, but strangely so, it does help the more you resist to give up and continue doing the same thing over and over again.
Anonymous
161e2ce
?
No.299488
299494 299495 300997
>>299478
Glad to hear it.
>>299480
>Is it possible to write about an essay about my own thoughts or feelings about something without coming off preachy?
I think I understand what you're saying but I'm not sure. Are you talking about writing an essay or about writing a story.
I have some thoughts on this matter but you should probably take them with a grain of salt since I haven't actually finished a novel-length story before.
I think the problem with stories that are written off as preachy, or essays for that matter but I'm first and foremost talking about stories here, isn't because they have a clear message. I think the problem is in the execution of these stories. Stories with a clear moral, like children stories or an mlp episode has to prove their moral through the story. I feel it is the same in this case. A story and its scenes are the argument(s) that prove the moral it presents to be correct.
I think the problem is when there is a character which opinion is the moral of the story. I guess it can work. However, a character like that will almost seem psychic or too good to be true. He or she can become a (G)Mary S(t)ue because of this.
Take Ian Malcom in Jurrassic Park. There is a scene when he talks to the asian doctor in charge of the labratory or whatever. In it the Doctor asks him if he is sugguesting that park filled with females will have offsprings. Malcom answers, "No, I'm simply saying, uhhh... Life will find a way."
In my opinion, this is too much and very odd. If I had been in Malcom's shoes right then, I would probably shrink back a bit. I mean he is actually saying that females will have offsprings unless he has read the script and knows that some of these dinos will become trans because how else will "life find a way"?
I, if I were Malcom and still felt sure about my position, would chew my lip and say, "Well, I don't think you can control this ot that extent but okay."
My point is that he seem like the author's favorite or like the author himself. It is almost like his words dictate the outcome of the movie rather than it begin something that happened as a consequence of the factors that are suppose to be the reason behind things.
I think some thing becomes "preachy" when a character soap box and the story vindicates them.
I think, again, that the point of a story is to prove its message to be true rather than to have it either explain to us why it is correct by a character or, as in worse, not explained at all just blurted out as obvious.

I believe there are more ways to go about all this though. An Anon on this site wrote a story called, "Castle of Vapor." I shill it whenever I can, that should tell you what I think about it.
It is good example of this though.
In it all characters are exaggerated for sarcasm and comdey purposes but also as social commentary. What I mean with exaggerated is not that people like this doesn't exist. It is more that its quite coincidental that the MC is such a sterotype and every other character he meets in the story is also a sterotype but this works in the story's favour. Since people can swallow an "edgy" and "rascist" joke and self-deprication is also appriciated that the ideas presented can be presented without there being a good way for anyone to boycote the story without comming off as a buzz kill. The ideas presented are clearly presented in parody manner but people cannot deny that there is some truth to these sterotypes that they are presented with becuase they know people in real life that are like this.
Things just kind of are in this story.
The MC lives in commieblock, gets wellfare checks while working partly as uber driver. His name is Tips Fedora and his only friends are two pony tulpas. He is a huge autist and he eats junk food.
The same kind of list like attributes can be written about the other characters of the story.
This constant irony mode that the story is set on actual helps to emphasize, through contrast, the one thing that does matter in the story: The friendship between MC and the hipster character. It is kinda of telling as it is the only thing that is no material and it is cleverly symbolized through a... dollar bill? I think. Whatever, I don't burger so I don't know. It probably has some extra layer of symbolism if you know something about that president or whatever the guy was on the bill.
Anyway, it's material value is replaceable but not its sentimental value for the MC and only when he has cleaned his friend's name, he uses it. Or does he actually clean his friend's name in the end? I forget but he solves the mysery in the end and then buys something with the bill.
Anonymous
161e2ce
?
No.299494
>>299488
Appearently it was ten-dollar bill and the guy was, as you in the knowing have already figured out, Alexander Hamilton.
Anonymous
161e2ce
?
No.299495
>>299488
>the one thing that does matter in the story
"Matter" might not be the best word here. What I mean is that while everything else is laced with irony, this is not and its the only thing is played straight and genuinely.
Anonymous
161e2ce
?
No.299496
>>299481
>We all know the definition of insanity from farcry, but strangely so, it does help the more you resist to give up and continue doing the same thing over and over again.
Yeah, that's a funny way to put it but its acutally fairly accurate, at least for me, so far.
Anonymous
aec124a
?
No.300671
300819
Currently, I'm grinding out words on docs. I wonder if any of you could give me some advice.
I feel that I can describe a ood scene when I give it enough time and I also feel that I can plan a good plot when given time but I have a hard time meshing these two things together. Either I plan a bunch but nothing gets written in the end or I don't plan at all.

So I'm thinking about two different approaches to solve this problem.
Either I focus on writing, smaller scenes or stories that are well thought out but as stated short.
Or I take a simple premise story and just grind out a long story and basically ignore any problems with the plot that aren't major ones.
The former practices the quality of my writing while the latter improves my stamina. I feel that both of these things are things I value and would like to improve in my skillset.
Right now, I'm leaning towards the former because that sounds like a priority to me but I would like your input on this manner. Of course, you always don't need to offer any insight into this manner but I would be grateful for any.
Yes, I'm aware that this is not a new talking point from me. And yes, I develop at an extremly slow rate.
Anonymous
a3505e3
?
No.300819
300846 300847
>>300671
Plan your 3 main points of the story and let it flow from there. Don't grind it out, just write the story as it flows with the characters you have. Unless you're writing book two of a trilogy you're very unlikely to end up where you originally planned to when you put the pen down.
Anonymous
450482a
?
No.300846
>>300819
Thanks for the advice, I'll think about it.
Anonymous
450482a
?
No.300847
>>300819
I see that your refering to the discovery writing style. Do you have any experience with it yourself?
Anonymous
8bb3398
?
No.300871
300872
>>299458
So we could write our stories not related to mlp in this thread?
Anonymous
450482a
?
No.300872
300873 300905
>>300871
In my opinion, any Anon who practice their craft here is just better for the board overall and I also think that litterature is one of those things that can really change peoples' minds so it is good investment for any polack to learn. However, I don't know. If what you write isn't either /Pol/ nor /Mlp/ then I guess it doesn't belong on the board. To me, it doesn't matter and such things has happened before.
Honestly, that's something for the mods to decide upon. I really can't answer. I say post whatever you have in mind and see what happens.
Anonymous
8bb3398
?
No.300873
300904 300905
>>300872
Okay. I like to write and would love for a place to craft my prose where the feedback isn't censored, that it would be presented as is. I'll post a story later when I could think of one, just to try it out
Anonymous
8bb3398
?
No.300904
300946 301154 301203
>>300873
Monsters are real, Jeanette thought as she took a cautious step toward the thing in the tank. The light illuminating the tank gave off a greenish murk of a glow that only added to the disbelief and surrealism of the moment. It made her want to touch it so she could confirm this moment was not a dream. She took a hesitant step forward before her father gripped her shoulder tightly, pinching it, almost as though he read her thoughts and did it to prove it wasn't a dream.

"Not too close, dear," her father had said calmly.

She looked up into his steel grey eyes, seeing a calm look that had bothered her more than when he was in a bout of rage from his drinking.

"What is it?" She had finally found her voice to ask the simple question.

"Proof," He said coolly before kneeling and looking into her eyes," Proof of Hell itself, my dear. It's been under the waters this entire time,"

"Hell...," She murmured before giving the monstrosity in the tank a solemn gaze.

It certainly looked like something that traversed the stygian depths of Hell. That much was certain from its appearance alone. Jeanette took a sharp breath and took a step back ward as it suddenly flung it's tentacles against the glass with a hard smack. Almost pointing at her as though it could feel the fear and uncertainly growing roots into the girl's heart and soul.

Which it might very well could have, considering, Jeanette's father thought as he boldly took a step forward and reached into the pocket inside his fine suit coat.

He smiled devilishly as the shekel caught its ever peering eyes and it's tentacles now grazed against the glass with an audible sucking sound. Jeanette watched in awe at the spectacle, feeling her heart race and remembering a word her mother had taught her. Not just a word but also a sin.

A sin called Avarice.

And with the sight of the creature's reaction to the shekel, she knew that was the Devil. The Devil bound and caged by man itself.
Anonymous
0f8298c
?
No.300905
300946
>>300872
>>300873
If the mods don't approve it being here then I bet they wouldn't mind if a thread was made on /ub/.
Anonymous
a910586
?
No.300946
300981
>>300905
Yeah, sure. I'll will wait for the mods decision though. This thread has barely started and there so far is only one post that isn't directly related to either politics or poners >>300904
I have a feeling most of the posters on this board, because they visit this board, will post pony or politics related stuff anyway.
Also, its a drag to create a new thread. I'll hold off on fixing something that might not be a problem yet. Let's wait an see for a bit.
>>300904
Have just skimmed it so far but I do like the way your write things. It reminds me of my own writting style actually, but perhaps with a greater vocbularity.
Ninjas
## Ninja
0000000
?
No.300952
300981 301203
It's fine. If a change becomes necessary, we'll discuss how to.proceed in thread. For now, carry on.
Anonymous
8bb3398
?
No.300981
301156
94c2cf_6904703.jpg
>>300946
Thanks fren

>>300952
Okay. Thanks for letting us know!
Anonymous
f6f5f09
?
No.300997
301589
>>299488
>An Anon on this site wrote a story called, "Castle of Vapor." I shill it whenever I can, that should tell you what I think about it.
I'm the author. I'm genuinely happy that you enjoyed that story so much, I was fairly happy with it myself but I wasn't sure how broad of an appeal it might have.

>It is kinda of telling as it is the only thing that is no material and it is cleverly symbolized through a... dollar bill? I think. Whatever, I don't burger so I don't know. It probably has some extra layer of symbolism if you know something about that president or whatever the guy was on the bill.
>Appearently it was ten-dollar bill and the guy was, as you in the knowing have already figured out, Alexander Hamilton.
It is a bit of a burger joke; I suppose you would have to know our currency to really get it. It's also a joke on the novel that this story takes it's inspiration from.

My story is loosely based on The Long Goodbye by Raymond Chandler, which you might also enjoy reading if you enjoyed mine. The mystery plays out much differently, but the basic setup is the same: the detective character has a chance encounter with a drunk guy he ends up becoming friends with, they hang out for awhile, then the guy's wife gets murdered. The cops finger the guy lol for the murder, so he asks the detective to help him leave the country. Meanwhile, the detective thinks his friend was wrongly accused, so he tries to solve the mystery, but before he can figure it out he receives news that his friend was killed.

In Chandler's story, the drunk guy gives the detective a $5,000 bill as payment for sneaking him across the Mexican border. A $5,000 bill is a pretty rare denomination of bill that you don't see very often, mostly because it's so large. In the early 1950s, when the story was written, $5,000 was a preposterous amount of money, so basically this is a very rare, high-value bill that the guy gives him. The detective can't spend it or do anything with it, so he ends up just storing it in his safe. Throughout the story he periodically takes it out of the safe and looks at it, and it becomes a symbol of the unresolved issue of his friend's murder, and the mystery surrounding who really killed his wife. A $5,000 bill has a picture of James Madison on it, so throughout the story the detective keeps referring to the bill as his "Portrait of Madison."

The bill in my story was meant to be kind of a riff on this. $10 is obviously not very much money, and the $10 bill is quite common in America. However, it assumes the same symbolic role in the story: the friend disappears and leaves a mystery behind, and Tips Fedora can't spend or get rid of the bill he gave him until the mystery is resolved and he knows his friend is okay. Alexander Hamilton is on the $10 bill, so the character in my novel talks about having a "Portrait of Hamilton."

Also, fun bit of trivia: in Chandler's story, the detective's drunk friend is named Terry Lennox. I named my analogous character Elroy R. Tennbox, which is a slightly-fudged anagram I added a B and a second O. Also, "Tennbox" sounds a little like "ten bucks," which is burger slang for ten dollars. I'm honestly a little proud of how many levels I got this dumb joke to work on.
Anonymous
f941da4
?
No.301154
301203 301405
Spoilered
>>300904
Here are my throughts. Haha, for what it's worth.
>Monsters are real
You didn't write it in cursive. Cool. It's not wrong I just haven't seen that before.
Seems like something you would say if you have been been told or you been presented with reasons to believe in monsters before but you didn't get convinced, rather than someone who sees a monster for the first time. The latter would probably just go, "Whaaaa! What the fuck?"
Depending on Jeanette's history with the supernatural I say it could be either a good line or an okay line.
>she took a cautious step toward the thing in the tank.
Most peole would have backed up from an hideous abomination but not Jeanette. I guess she is a friend of science! >pic related. And has a curious nature.
>She took a hesitant step forward before her father gripped her shoulder tightly, pinching it, almost as though he read her thoughts and did it to prove it wasn't a dream.
>and did it to prove it wasn't a dream.
I would drop the last independent clause here. That's right I know what they are. I think your explaining too much here. If the reader stopped right after, "thoughts," they would still know what you're talking about. Let them chew on the implication of him reading her mind. That's what I think anyway.
>"Not too close, dear," her father had said calmly.
>dear,
I assume they are british.
>She looked up into his steel grey eyes
I think this should be, "steel-grey eyes." It should be a compound adjective since otherwise your saying, I think, that the eyes were of steel and grey.
Correct me if I'm wrong.
I like that you mix character actions with description like this. She looks into his eyes and you describe the eyes. It makes for go pacing and you don't put the story one hold in the same way to describe how a character looks like. Although, sometimes this is necessary and I think one shouldn't go overboard with this. It would probably be a monkey on one's back and there are other things to prioritize over fancy langauges use.

Might get back to this later.
Anonymous
a8e631b
?
No.301155
301156 301405
018C496195052F42B322DF9780FC57B3-42806.jpg

Anonymous
a8e631b
?
No.301156
>>301155
Meant for
>>300981
Anonymous
f941da4
?
No.301203
301405
>>300904
>>301154
>She had finally found her voice to ask the simple question.
Actually forget what I said before. Your style of writing and mine have significant differences. Not that yours is worse, it might actually be better. But I wouldn't have written this sentence. I would just had, "What is it?" stan for itself.
>He said coolly before kneeling and looking into her eyes
Neat. Here you imply her age without saying it.
>"Proof,"
>" Proof of Hell itself, my dear. It's been under the waters this entire time,"
This is probably just a typo there should be a period after, "time."
The idea is cool too.
>Which it might very well could have, considering, Jeanette's father thought
Cool.
Perhaps, I'll return to this later.
>>300952
Thanks for letting us know.
Anonymous
8bb3398
?
No.301405
301414
>>301155
Checked. Love you too fren

>>301154
>>301203
I appreciate the thoughts Swede fren. If you post one of your stories i'll be sure to give back good feedback!
Anonymous
3305b75
?
No.301414
>>301405
Thank u.
No need for promises, or well that's my policy because I always fail to hold them. You might be different.
I hope you write more.
Anonymous
3305b75
?
No.301478
301578
Sunset 01.jpg
WondercoltSunsetbyNCMares1537757765104.png
LookatmeLookatmeIamaPrincessXbyYakovlevvad1474582362224.png
deviantart-Katakiuchi4U-807530650.jpg
Tough Poner.png
Sunset Shimmer had her revenge. The white and red body of the sun goddess was strewn upon the floor. The palace was in ruins.

”P-p-p-please... Sunset, stop. I'm begging you,” princess Celestia choked out as tears streamed down her cheeks.

A twisted grin appeared on Sunset's lips. He pressed hard on one of the alicorn's wings, right where it attached to the rest of the alicorn's body. Sunset's fiery mane whipped forward in the air as she suddenly had jerked forward. The bone in the wing broke and the wing twisted behind the alicorn's back.

Celestia screamed a high-pitched scream but it was soon replaced by a whimper. She was too exhausted to be to react to the pain.

A teal veil poured out from Sunset's horn and began to swirl around it. It was transparent and seemed to be some sort of liquid that appeared like smoke in the air. It appeared around Celestia's chin and seemed to pull her face to face with Sunset.

Sunset's grin was so wide it showed teeth. There was malicious glee in her eyes. Celestia's expression could be replicated if one pulled one's lover lip inwards, bent it like a ”c” but with the arch upwards.

”Long live the Princess,” Sunset said while magical energies swirled around her horn and looked to be charging.

”We have seen enough!”

As if Thanos snapped out of existence, Celestia disappeared. She was not alone. The rest of the ruined interior of the palace disappeared and was replaced with clouds that floated like fog past sunset's hooves and a star clad night sky.

Sunset looked surprised by the sudden shift in the environment. She looked down and saw that she stood on some invisible floor and there was nothing underneath her but midnight blue skies. Her green eyes then saw a white sphere in the heavens with the drawn face of a black horse in it. It was the moon with a nightmare moon still in it.

Sunset raise one eyebrow and lowered the other.

Wait, that's not right, she thought.

That's when the image of the horse turned towards her and blinked. Sunset's eyes went wide. The image then proceeded to crawl out of the moon as if it was a big tube and its black mass floated down onto the cloud near the invisible floor.

The mass shifted in shape and soon Sunset recognized it. It was Princess Luna and Sunset also realized what that implied.

There seemed to be tired pity in Luna's eyes as she looked down on Sunset. His black crown sat on her brow and the blue mane sparkled as it billowed.

Sunset sighed in mock disappointment and said while grinning, ”Ugh, I'm dreaming. Blast it.”
Anonymous
8bb3398
?
No.301578
302040
5435465446.jpg
>>301478
>Sunset Shimmer had her revenge. The white and red body of the sun goddess was strewn upon the floor. The palace was in ruins.
Good strong opening. I like it!

>P-p-p-please
I would shorten this the stutter a little, just for the emphasis it could have.

>Celestia screamed a high-pitched scream but it was soon replaced by a whimper.
I would revise it to "A high-pitched scream erupted from Celestia for a long moment before it simpered to a whimper"

>She was too exhausted to be to react to the pain.
>to be to react
A minor typo. I would rephrase it to "She was in such an exhausted state from the pain, there was little energy in her to react to anything"

>A teal veil poured out from Sunset's horn and began to swirl around it. It was transparent and seemed to be some sort of liquid that appeared like smoke in the air. It appeared around Celestia's chin and seemed to pull her face to face with Sunset.
Good line

>Sunset's grin was so wide it showed teeth.
I would revise it to "Sunset's lips curved into a grin so wide it showed the last of her molars"

>There was malicious glee in her eyes
I would revise to "The maliciousness gave her eyes a dark glow of glee"

>As if Thanos snapped out of existence
I'm personally not a fan of pop culture references but sometimes it can work. Here it does in an odd way. I like it

>Her green eyes
I would describe the color of her eyes to make it memorable. IE "lustrous forest green eyes" "swelling ocean blue eyes" etc.

I'll come back if I think of something else with the last lines. But I like what I see here Anon. You certainly do have a talent at writing and I hope you're sharpening that skill by free writing when you can
Anonymous
8d945ca
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No.301589
>>300997
Been meaning to respond to this but haven't gotten around to it before.
Thanks for the insight. That "Tennbox" joke flew over my head completely.
It really is a good story. And this does related to this thread so I might as well talk about it a bit. Give you some feedback.

My memory of its entriety is a bit foggy since I didn't read the whole thing recently, however, I did read the opening of the story this autumn. I was trying to make another attempt at making an audio book of the thing but it didn't end up happening.
Its one of those type of stories or media that has good jokes back to back. I had to stop my recording several times just because I bursted out laughing.
I also like to mention that I love the tulpas. A story could be made around them alone, which is sort of what happened. You use them in the story so well, from what I remember.
I remember that you talked about how they were suppose to represent different sides of the mc that he suppressed because they had no place in today's society. Maybe, I'm projecting or simply mis-remembering or somehting in between but was RD a representation of masculine rage and Commieflutters a representation of feminine comfort or something. I like that. I think that it is easy to assume that just RD's element, in this case, would be suppressed in this society. I would argue that Hollywood and shit, tries to flasely associate men caring and showing affection towards each other into gayness. They do this because they fear a group of men that are loyal to each other and are friends. Heh, they fear magic.
But I really like that this tulpas are there for comedy relief but also to make the setting less lonely. Well, story has more dialogue in it because of them after all. However, I like how in ceratain scenes, especially the best scene. The low point of the story, where (SPOILERS!) mc believes his friend was killed and the tulpas disappear because he doesn't think it is respectful to have them react for him. This also emphasizes through contrast how lonely this guy is normally.

Sorry about the rant of conciousness. Wanted to get this out but yeah, I have something else I need to attend to soon so I got to get it out fast.
Anonymous
767d187
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No.302040
>>301578
Yeah, uhm. Thanks a lot btw for your input.
Your revisions are superior in my eyes as well. Theyr are great. KMight not be the first thing I'll try to improve upon in the future because I have some other things in mind but I will keep it in the backburner.
Anonymous
8d4805c
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No.302300
302356
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Posting my another one of my stories called "Prosperine"

Screaming erupted into the stillness of the night, making me snap my head to the gas station to see a figure running out into the night; Leaving footprints in a liquid that was illuminated from the streetlight. I took a moment's glance to see it was blood before I burst into the station, the ringer going off. I was greeted with a vision straight from Hell itself. There were so many bare legs hanging from the ceiling, flailing and kicking. It looked as though they had grown from the ceiling instead of a forced entry. I was in such a shock that I couldn't remember if there had been customers, as I looked down beneath the legs at the small puddles of blood. Some of which had footprints dashed across them, leading away from the cashier huddled in the corner to the doors. The cashier's back was facing me.

Reason told me to run. Reason told me there was no helping the cashier. Whatever was happening was beyond the mortal realm of matters.

But at the same time something clicked inside me, something more powerful then reason that compelled me forward across the gore streaked floor. I dodged and maneuvered through the flailing limbs to the cashier and when I was close enough, I knelt and put a hand on their shoulder. It didn't surprise me my hand was firm and strong instead of limp and quaking. But I felt my heart swell with emotion as I stared at the faceless cashier looking back at me.

"Pros...Prosperine took...took...," She had stuttered.

Before the station's ringer went off.

I immediately turned to see a figure in a long white trench coat standing in the doorway. Long raven black hair hung loose down it's gore streaked coat as it took it's hood off to reveal a feminine face that evoked the word Hesperides. The two small but razor sharp horns on it's skull did not detract but magnified it's beauty. I felt my heart swell achingly again at the mere sight of the figure.

"I almost forgot your lily blue eyes," Three voices spoke at once from it's thin, blood red lips, as it gazed at the cashier.

Before turning that gaze to me. One corner of those blood red lips curved upward into what looked like a crooked smile as a third horn rose between the two smaller ones. At the tip of the third horn was an open eye that didn't just look at me. It felt as though it were looking into my very soul, seeing all my memories, and feeling all my emotions. Searching. It must have found what it was looking for as the figure's lips turned into a full smile.

"Do you want to live?" It asked.

The masculine part of the three voices was dominant in that simple question. A very simple yes or no question that barely reached to me in my current state of...was it fear or maybe even excitement? I didn't care which it was. And I-

"I don't care," I had finally said in a calm voice as I looked from it's third eye to it's two magnificent fiery yellow eyes.

I stared into those eyes, unflinching, almost forgetting everything until it pointed one clawed finger at the hanging limbs. I looked at them to see they weren't flailing anymore. And slowly one of them begin to fall to the floor with a thud. And then one by one they began to fall. I braced myself against the ones above me and flung them off before quickly looking back the door way to see the figure was gone.

I heard a sickly crunching nose and looked back at the casher and saw that she was impaled by one of the limbs sharp bone piercing completely out of the back side of her head. I watched almost without a single emotion as she tried to pry it out of her head before the movements became weaker and weaker and finally stopped as she gurgled up blood and fell back against the wall.

Almost without a single emotion but the sudden fiery burn in my chest that I needed to engage in as I stood up and waded through the limbs to the doors. The ringer went off as I stepped out into the cold night and was greeted with fresh cold air. I looked around desperately before seeing the figure standing by the street light, patiently waiting. I felt my heart swell achingly again and the emotion set afire as it raised it's clawed hand and waved invitingly at me.

I stared into Prosperine's fiery yellow eyes, never feeling as calm as then, and took it's invitation into a world beyond our own as I begin to walk to it.
Anonymous
d9e2bc6
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No.302356
302416
>>302300
Have read it once now. It reminded me of Lovecraft's Shadow of innsmouth where the protagonist *spoilers* decides to join the dagons in the end.
Anonymous
8d4805c
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No.302416
>>302356
Interesting! Thanks fren. I love delving into cosmic horror and the comparison with one of Lovecraft's stories is nice!