u wot m8?
That isn't the entire work, that's one chapter of my work.
Channeling your inner Rand there.
I meant characters
Beat me to it.
It hardly has to be said, but you're not really "sneaking a redpill in" at this point, OP. You could be the most amazing author who ever lived for all I know, but if it were me I'd be having doubts about if anyone would bother reading it.
You might want to consider a rewrite if the goal is influencing the reader. Or put in a [politics goes here] placeholder, move on with the story and come back to it later.
Characters getting into open arguments doesn't sneak in much of anything soince the whole point to to express ones point of view as loudly as possible. Sneaking in a red pill would be like a one or two phrase comment or statistic that directly relates to the events taking place or a clever comeback/joke to show displeasure for anothers line of thinking.
Here's an example that was explained to me by someone who watched Steven Universe, the mc is a cry baby bitch, but when he finally man's the fuck up instead of crying about issues he gets his powers or whatever. Another one was that the place they live in which is lead by a woman and has heroes which are all women is consistently falling to shit.
Of course I can't vouch for how accurate it is since I don't watch the show but if it is true that is a good example of how to do it.
The pubbies strike again.>>4051>>4052
Don't worry, HClegend btfos this idiot all the time.
Watch as he gets triggered.
You're still here, Hclegend? You're still lying? And you're still salty about getting told to stop spamming Glimmer by me a year ago?
That's actually pretty funny.
I, Battlebrit, diagnose you with Ligma.
It's funny that you think you're a good writer.
post pastebin nigger
>>4056>namefagging/one post by this ID
You DO know Reuben's a moderately popular green writer, right? And unlike you, people read his shit.
Seriously can you quit hurr durring about how everyone that doesn't like you is muh libtard that you somehow pwned epic style?
This nigger doesn't even have pastebin. He thinks fimfic is the only place he can post his shitty fics at.
This. You're not Voltaire. You're not this ingenius political commentator. You're an anon who can't shut his mouth. Nobody is gaining enlightenment from your circlejerking and so far nobody here has even expressed mild interest.
Fuck off to r/the_Donald, Nigel.
He actually regularly uses reddit and in a similar manner I'd imagine a twelve-year old 'expert modder' would.
He is so desperate for attention he basically tries to suck people off for it in these self-congratulatory premature reddit OPs or whatever they're called.
I, Battlebrit, am I prematurely self-congratulatory bitch.
I l-o-o~o-ve to act as if I actually think my words mean something coming from myself.
>thread hasn't even gotten to page 3 and people don't like me…
>let's make another thread about the exact same topic begging for positive reception! That won't piss anyone off.
The first time he told us about his budding fimfic career I found his story with >muh autism
based on his (wussy humblebragging) stat brags >muh likes and dislikes >muh ratio
You'd think a retard who'd by that point would know it's probably a good idea to stop prodding the autists, nope, shits up the main-board with two or three threads shilling his dumb fucking story. With random OP images too.
Must've interpreted my digging as positive encouragement.
I have his name, I have photos of him and if he hadn't returned with this 'new' story about Glimmerniggertry I might not have those (archives galore too).
Fuck you, fat piece of shit.>>4065
Oh sweety. #YouToo
Whoa now. No need for doxing. Just contact a mod to get him banned if he persists. I believe in free information and that means not encouraging doxxing and threats of forced silencing.
I know right? I honest-to-god thought there was only one vril anon posting on the board this entire time.
There can be only one Vril. The Vril you see now killed the former Vril and ate every organ that was spherical, thus transferring the awesome powers into a new vessel.
You should see Nigels "high IQ"
youtube channel. We have the spiritual child of DarkdysePhil here in our mids. over 5.000 (!) videos with literally no views.
Idiot. Cycle theory encompasses the subject study of many.>>4069
On the subject of anonymity:
Look, I don't want him banned, he's hilariously fun to poke, just to see if or how he'll sperg out.
I won't dox him either. (mods are based - (would spank)).
I believe in free information too and especially the importance of preserving anonymity (in an age where it is slowly on the down-trend and dying).
I'm not going to dox him, I hardly want to dox him, there's nothing particularly interesting to be garnered by doing it and it's an important value to me.
On the issue of Silver:
I just want to poke him and see him sperg, oh, mods will spank me for saying his name? but I only do it because it's hilarious
and I wanna see him sperg.
It's not even a dox, I did nothing illegal to obtain it, didn't call his ISP and abuse a loophole in the flow of information to find out more about him or anything like that. This is all pretty public stuff (he has a very heavy footed internet-presence and history).
Let's call it what it is leddit (-dox's, doxx's and doxxx'es, oh my!) it's glorified web-page crawling.
When he first shilled his shit here I poked fun at him with his name and I fully expected him to remove his name from the public,
instead he ignored it. If I was all '''dox'''-happy I would've already done it, if anything I'm being kind, for example; I have no interest in getting other people involved (who can't do it themselves) into digging around about 'EpsilonuuFivuuSevenruu' and I fully expected him to shoa his internet presence after something as profound (but uncompromising to his anonymity) as his name.
Considering this is the internet that kind of kindness, weakness and mercy
is something nobody would usually expect or rely upon.
>(but uncompromising to his anonymity)
Did I mention his real name is a dead-end? His 'personal information' only goes so
deep before abruptly stopping.
His name isn't some kind of gateway to further gathering of his personal information, it's basically just an identifier.>muh anonymity
It's no more anti-thetical to his flexibility of anonymity on a site like mlpol.net than if I was to call, label and name him a 'dysgenic faggot' every-time I think it's him posting.Besides, this is what he gets for saying I 'follow him around on old people subreddits' on fimfiction.net that one time!DIE BARBIEFAG. THIS IS YOUR MINDSET!>>4074
Cute pony. Would->-cuddle
I wasn't meaning to say you were already doxxing him, I was just saying don't take things too far. You can never be too sure with some people.
Also I wasn't defending his shitty behavior, and I wasn't saying anything about his heavy-footed history. I haven't even gotten into seeking info on him because it's not worth it to me. I just don't want to see something like what happened to Vernaculis on youtube, where his family and personal life totally concealed from his personality were put on blast because he said he was going to make a video about a controversy.
I'm speaking to everyone at large, you're being sound-boarded, I want my position to be clear infidel.
Oh hey, this is being bumped. Trying to give the impression that this Nontroversy is a far-reaching epidemic, are we?
The only far-reaching things I see are the butthurt Glimmer fans in the other thread. And this one, too, I suppose.
Nah, I just want my position to clear, you can read?
Your irrational self-congratulatory position on an issue you dreamed up out of nothing? Why would anyone care about your position on this nontroversy?
Stop the presses, everyone: MLP Fimfiction writer pisses off local Glimmer fancult by writing a chapter in which she is beaten up and called a loser.
Surely, this has never happened before.
You shouldn't have pissed us off six months ago, or six months before that, hell, you probably pissed us off before even that latter one at the conception of /mlpol/, you fucking degenerate.
You should respect Sunset Shimmer.
Oh, no, I should not have pissed off the mighty 9gag army by…
Tell me you're joking.
Is there some kind of confusion here? Because I like Shimmer.
Sunset Shimmer is how you write a generic shit Gary Oak Knockoff villain and then salvage her through a well-written redemption arc that makes her a compassionate and considerate person who deserves her own show.
Horse Schoolgirls lost all its potential to be its own "Sunset Shimmer In Humanville Adventures" show by overselling the human version of the mane six: five shit knockoffs of the real deal and one alternate take on Twilight. That alternate take would be interesting, if she was allowed to develop in her own way, but all this "You must embrace the magic, forget science, and be like pony Twilight" crap just makes Sci-Twi feel like yet another Twilight Knockoff in a franchise already bogged down by an overabundance of Twilight knockoffs.
There are more Twilight knockoffs in MLPFIM than there are Ryu knockoffs in the Street Fighter series.
And Starlight Glimmer is just a Knockoff Sunset Shimmer used as a mask for shit writers who want to live out their "Tomoki from Heaven's Lost Property" fantasies in this show, of all shows.
Do you have a loicense for that post mate?
You shouldn't have pissed of the mighty 9/pone/ army, we will destroy you.
Sunset Shimmer is a poni you like? Nobody cares.
Eat more cum shitheel, EQG isn't cannon and Sunset Shimmer is better as a villain, redemption arcs are overdone.
Trixie should have been redeemed at the end of her arc, Sunset should have been the main character antagonist, instead you get no competing character interests and character conflict between the protagonists and antagonists who should have vested interest and provide the main source of character conflict.
Instead you get one-hit wonders like Tirek to shake things up and provide conflict in general, sad.
But I'm talking to somebody who actually watches a children's show and expects better from it and thinks what they currently have is or was ever good. What an idiot.
Die, barbiefag, this,
this is your mindset.
*dabs on hater*
You'd be just as pissed as you are now if I only included a 100-word scene where Silver laughs about the time he conned a corrupt government official out of cash and Glimmer laughs about the time she conned her idiot fanbase at Our Town out of their lives.
Silver Star leaned against his totally awesome motorcycle and stared pensively up at the sky. The mares were all staring at him again, but that was to be expected.
"Everywhere I go," he sighed heavily to himself. And it was true. Ever since he had unmasked the nefarious scheme perpetrated upon this universe by the evil monster-in-pony-form Starlight Glimmer, and saved Equestria from a fate worse than death, all the mares in Ponyville were constantly staring at him as if they wanted to jump him and ravage his tasty no-nos, even more so than was usual for him. He sighed heavily again. Sometimes it was rough being a rich and handsome superpowered genius who was an all-powerful magician and time-travelling quantum physicist who could bend time and space to his will and was also the world's greatest ninja. He sighed heavily a third time, and cursed himself internally. He had noticed that the mares always got quivery in their no-nos whenever he sighed heavily while leaning against his super-awesome motorcycle looking moody, and had vowed never to do it again, if only for their benefit, yet here he was forgetting himself.
"Such is life," he said ruefully, pushing up his rad sunglasses with one hoof. Several mares swooned.
It had already been a month since he defeated the evil, horrible, no good awful yucky sweet Celestia I hate her so much Starlight Glimmer, and he realized that he was still just as glad to be rid of her as on the very first day he had sent her rocketing off to do penance for her evil ways. He recalled the sight of her stupid pony face, her ugly dum-dum mane with its stupid green highlights, the smugly-satisfied look of pure evil that was on her face every time she booped herself, and again he was filled with rage.
"I hate you so much, Starlight Glimmer!" he muttered, to nopony in particular.
He realized he needed to calm down. Just thinking of Starlight Glimmer always awoke in him feelings of uncontrollable rage, and he knew it was not good for a pony of his awesome power to forget himself like this. He could already feel the earth quaking beneath him as he inadvertently summoned powers so great they could destroy the entire universe, and he knew that he must not do this, even by accident, for to do so would make him almost as evil as that stupid ugly evil horrible no good pony Starlight Glimmer god I hate her, who was, as all ponies know, and as he had proven irrevocably to all who had not yet been enlightened, truly the worst pony of all.
To calm his nerves, he reached into his pocket dimension and pulled forth the gem. The orange gem. His gem. The gem belonging to him, Silver Star. Silver Star's gem, the gem that was his, the gem that was orange. A gem that had a particular color, and that color was orange, belonging to none other than Silver Star, the pony of that name. Him. He. The owner. The owner of the gem. The orangest of gems. Silver Star, who was he, the owner of that gem, pulled forth a gem belonging to him, and it was none other than that very gem. The orange gem, gemlike in nature, orange in color. Owned by he, him, Silver Star. The gem whose coloration was orange, and whose owner was none other than he, the pony known as Silver Star, owner of the gem. That gem. The gem of orangest orange, orange in color, orange in hue, saturation and value. Orangest of all orange was that gem, and it was in the possession, currently, of a pony. And that pony was he. Him. The pony named Silver Star. Who was, of course, the gem's owner. Which gem you ask? Why, the orange one of course. The orange gem, that is.
So lost was he in his contemplation of the gem that he almost didn't see Twilight Sparkle trotting eagerly towards him. Not wanting to accidentally blast her off into another dimension with his super cool magic gem, the orange gem, the gem containing magic power that was orange, and owned by he, Silver Star, he put it back into his pocket dimension.
"Oh, hello there Princess," he said casually, still leaning against his awesome motorcycle. He gave his rad sunglasses another push with his hoof and watched in mild satisfaction as Twilight's no-nos visibly quivered. "What are you doing here?"
Twilight stopped short.
"W-w-what?" she stammered, looking as if somepony had just kicked her in the crotchteats, "Aren't you here to pick me up?"
"Sorry," he said, "I forgot all about you. Sometimes I just like to park my totally awesome motorcycle outside random magic schools and lean against it while looking moody and cool. I just happened to be doing it here, at this moment, as you were getting out of this particular magic school where you were giving a lecture on the super-complicated magic spell I used to hurl the evil and horrible worst pony Starlight Glimmer into that alternate dimension!"
Twilight's lower lip began to quiver. Her eyes filled with tears, and her flanks shook with embarrassment. Inside his head-quarters, one of the tiny Silvers enjoyed a hearty chortle at his mirthful teasing of his luscious little bride-to-be, so beautiful, so unlike that awful Starlight Glimmer god I hate her so much. Another tiny Silver raised his head above the cubicle wall in alarm.
"Hey! Cool it! You're going to blow it!!" he stammered.
"I can't help it! She's so cute when we tease her like this," another Silver laughed casually from a third cubicle.
"Still, we don't want to tease her too much," said yet another Silver, often the voice of reason among the group. "Just look at her."
The Silver Star of the non-meta world looked and saw that this Silver was right, for Twilight now looked as if somepony had just told her that the horrible Starlight Glimmer was going to be taking her out to dinner instead of him, the handsome and talented millionaire Silver Star. Tears were now streaming uncontrollably down her adorable, non-Glimmerlike face.
"Hey, dry those tears Princess! I was only foolin'!" laughed Silver, giving her a mirthful tap on the shoulder with his hoof. "Of course I'm here to see you, you goof! You didn't think I'd forget our date, did you?"
Twilight sniffled cutely, in a way that made Silver's no-nos expand a little.
"Oh, Silver," she said, "I know you wouldn't forget. You're too amazing to do that. It's just that…I saw you earlier. With Trixie."
Silver threw back his head and laughed heartily.
"Oh, is that what you were worried about? Don't give it another thought. That was one of my Silver Spares! You see, Trixie has been lonely and vulnerable ever since I showed her how wrong she was to not think that Starlight Glimmer was totally icky and the worst pony ever. I sent one of my Silver Spares to service her no-nos and comfort her through the grieving process, as only I know how to do."
"Do you mean it, Silver? I've seen the way the other mares look at you, and I just…I don't want anypony else to make your no-nos quiver like I make your no-nos quiver."
Silver laughed again.
"Rest assured, m'lady, that my no-nos are saving themselves for your no-nos, and your no-nos only."
Twilight could barely contain the shivering in her no-nos, and had to sit down. However the expression on her face was pure joy.
"Oh, Silver!" she cried, "You've made me the happiest mare in the world!"
Two hours later, they were sitting at a booth in the swankiest restaurant in Ponyville, eating the most expensivest meal.
"…and then I
said to him, 'You're wrong! Glimmer is
the worst pony ever! And then I told him why!"
They both laughed.
"Oh, Silver. You always know how to make me laugh." said Twilight, wiping a mirthful tear from her eye with a foreleg.
"But seriously though, Glimmer is the absolute worst pony ever." said Silver, his face getting all serious for a moment. "You can't ever forget that. Not even for a second."
"Yes. Of course. She is just awful."
"Dreadful. Worst pony in Equestria."
"Worst pony in the multiverse
They laughed again.
Then, suddenly, the ground around them began to shake. All the plates and dishes and stuff in the restaurant began to shake, rattle and roll. All the ponies began to flee in hysteria as a portal to another dimension opened up, and out stepped a pony that Silver thought he would never see again.
"It…it can't be!" he cried, clenching his hooves with rage. "It's impossible! Literally impossible! The spell I cast should have made it so you could never return here!"
The pony smiled.
"Oh, that?" she said. "That little spell of yours was easy enough to break. Foal's play, actually."
She trotted casually forward and booped herself. When all the other ponies saw who she was, they all screamed and ran out of the restaurant.
"You should have realized, Silver. You can't Shim Sham the Glim Glam!"
Starlight Glimmer booped forth, booping Silver with a mighty boop that would have shattered the soul of a lesser pony. Twilight cried out in terror as her beloved Silver was thrown back through the restaurant, knocking over all the tables and stuff so that there was a terrible mess on the floor that somepony would probably have to clean up later. A second later he hit the wall, and it became apparent that nopony would have to clean up the mess after all, not now, not ever; for Silver hit the wall with such force that a shock wave radiated out, destroying the entire restaurant.
Most ponies would have been killed, shattered into thousands of pony pieces, but Silver Star was made of sterner stuff. He was on his hooves in an instant, staring across the rubble-strewn wasteland that was once the most fashionable restaurant in Ponyville.
"Heh. Not bad." he said, pushing up his rad sunglasses. "I might have to use a tenth of my power to take you out. And this time, you're gonna stay down! Kōmon Shōkaki!"
In a flash, his zanpakuto sprang forth from nothingness, wielded probably with magic or something as horses do not have opposable digits and it is dumb to arm one with a sword in the first place. Glimglam laughed evilly, and summoned her own blade.
"Enough talk. Let us kung fu fight!"
She charged, rising up into midair in a flash of magical power.
"Inkei wa kuso de ōwa rete iru!" she cried, and her tetsusaiga burst forth into a thousand Glimmer legs, each one booping the boop of a thousand boops.
Undeterred, Silver charged to meet her midair, dodging the boops with lightning speed so that to Twilight, everything looked like a purple and silver blur. One of Glimmer's boops connected with Silver's Kōmon Shōkaki.
"Chokuchō no kaze!" cried Silver, and a burst of magical energy exploded from the blade, sending them both flying back. They both landed on their hooves and slid backwards until grinding to a stop in a cloud of dust, facing each other.
"Not bad, not bad." Silver said again. "I can see you had some tricks up your horse-sleeve that I didn't know about. But let's see how your power holds up against my super-secret attack!"
He lept into the air, summoning forth the mighty power of his ancestors, who were also all super powerful genius scientist ninjas and also Grand Mages. Channeling their hatred for the eternal Glimmernigger into his blade, he called forth the name of his lethal final attack.
"Silver Star Anti-Glimmernigger Ninja School Finishing Move: Watashi no kao o benki ni tsukatte KUDASAI!!!"
A burst of cold blue fire exploded from the center of the blade. Lightning crackled all around Silver as he summoned his power, then sent it forth in a single, terrible wave of destruction that none could possibly stand against. He somewhat hoped that Twilight wasn't still standing around watching the fight somewhere within the blast radius, because it occurred to him that it would totally suck if she got vaporized before he even got to play with her no-nos.
The mighty blast shakes the heavens and earth for what feels like eternity, bathing everything in a blinding blue-white light of pure destruction. As it subsides, Silver stands on all four hooves, breathing heavily, peering into the impenetrable cloud of swirling dust that whirls around him in the wake of the destruction.
>>4088Surely, nopony could have survived that…
He sees the soft edged silhouette of a female pony walking towards him.
"Twilight?" he says hopefully.
The pony stops just before him. She reaches out her hoof and--
A soft boop. A light boop. A mocking boop. The dust settles, and Silver can finally see who the pony standing before him really is.
"No…it can't be…!"
Silver fell down onto his haunches, all of his strength expended in that last attack. Glimmer stood before him, completely unharmed, looking down at him with open disdain.
"I tried to warn you, Silver," she said. "You can't Shim Sham the Glim Glam!"
She booped him again, hard enough to sap the last shreds of his strength.
Silver collapsed completely to the ground. The fight was completely gone from him. He could only stare up helplessly as she stood triumphantly over him.
"And now it's time for my
finishing move." She booped herself again for good measure. "You see, as it turns out, you're not the only one who understands quantum interdimensional travel, Silver! I can play that game too! And now, I would like to introduce you to a little place I like to call 'The Universe of a Thousand Dicks!'"
Glimglam trotted gaily around and stood over him, her no-nos just above his haunches. He couldn't move his body, but he turned his head and gazed in horror as Glimmy's no-nos began to change…and expand. Naturally, Silver, being the world's handsomest millionaire, was also the most well-endowed pony in all of Equestria, in this universe and all the universes; however, it now seemed that he had dropped to second place.
Silver could only groan helplessly in protest as Glimmy mounted him from behind.
"Time to Glim Glam in your jim jam!" she said pleasantly, and began to push her hateful, evil, Glimmyglam stallion no-nos into his bad place. A crowd of mares had gathered around, probably because the giant cloud of destruction was not something that was often seen in Ponyville. Also, it was still dinnertime and many ponies were probably coming to the restaurant to eat, only to find that it had been destroyed.
"Wow, it sure is a shame that the restaurant was destroyed!" said Lyra to Bon Bon, who were both approaching the restaurant hoping for a nice hot meal. "We saved up all our bits for a month just so we could come here and get the expensivest meal!"
"I know!" said Bon Bon. "Also, what's that going on? Is that Silver Star? And…Starlight Glimmer?!?"
All the ponies were there, standing in a circle around the ruins of the fanciest restaurant in Ponyville, watching with curiosity the scene unfolding before them. Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rarity, Trixie, Lyra, Bon Bon, Derpy, and all your favorite cartoon pals were there, staring as Starlight Glimmer performed her strange new magic show. Princess Twilight Sparkle clambered her way up from under a pile of rubble, searching for her lost love.
"Silver? What happened? I almost died in that blast of destruction you caused but fortunately I remembered that you are supposed to duck and cover in those situations so that's what I did, and--oh! What's going on, Silver?"
She stood watching curiously as Starlight Glimmer pushed her long, throbbing, impossibly thick wrong-gender no-nos deeper and deeper into Silver's bad place while Silver could only groan in protest. Suddenly a stallion trotted into view and all the ponies turned to see who it was.
"Twily!" called Shining Armor. "Hey, I'm sorry to bother you, but Cadance got all tingly in her no-nos thinking about how super awesome Silver Star is, and she sent me down here to find one of those Silver Spares to service her for a while. She's gonna be pretty mad if I come back without one. Any idea where I could find--hey, wait a minute, what's going on here?"
He stopped short and joined the crowd of onlookers. Silver groaned in pain and humiliation and tried to cover his face with his hooves, but Glimmer batted them away and pinned his front legs down with her own.
"None of that now!" she cried gleefully. "We want everypony to see, now don't we?"
"I've got one last trick up my horse-sleeve, Glimmer!" Silver stammered out. "S-silver Spares!"
He threw his last ounce of strength into summoning as many Silver Spares as he could. They appeared and started charging their power to attack, but Glimmer only laughed.
"Oh, that's right. I can do that too! Glimmy Glam Glam Glozzle!"
She tore open a rift in the space time continuum, and thousands upon thousands of Glimmers, from every conceivable version of reality, poured through, booping themselves and each other. Each of them sprouted a mighty Glimdong, and soon the Silver Spares were pinned down in a fashion as humiliating as the original.
"No…you can't do this…you can't….you're……worst……pony……"
In Silver's headspace, red siren lights were flashing and alarm bells were ringing as tiny Silvers ran around in panic and confusion.
"The enemy has breached the perimeter!" cried one Silver. "Any news from the front?"
"Forget the front! It's the back we're concerned about!"
Suddenly, a door burst open and one of the Silvers from the basement levels sprang into the control room.
"Sir!" he cried to nopony in particular. "The…the enemy…it's too late…advanced so far, there was nothing we could do…the rear guard is completely wiped out! Annihilated!"
"What do we do?" cries a panicked Silver, nearly in tears, who just a couple of hours before had been so smugly amused at the teasing of a young Princess.
"There's nothing we can do!" cried the basement crewman in despair.
Full pandemonium broke out. Multiple Silvers were abandoning the office, gathering up as much sanity as they could lay their hooves on and diving out through any opening they could find, never to return again. Back in the real world, the original Silver Star was lying on the ground in a semi-catatonic state, a thin ribbon of drool dribbling out of the corner of his mouth, making unintelligible noises as the Glimglamming intensified. Most of the Silver Spares were gone now, and the thousands of Glimmers were standing around booping each other.
"Ah…yes…there we go…" Glimmer was panting hard now, lost in the ecstacy of triumph. "Almost there…and a one, and a two, and a….Glim Glam Sha BAM!!"
Her mighty Glimdong exploded into the depths of Silver's body. Silver Star let out an ear piercing shriek that could be heard all the way to Canterlot as Glimmy filled up his bad place with literal gallons of best pony. The ground shook. The ponies gathered around, now numbering in the thousands (not even counting the thousands of Glimmer clones) stood and watched in silent awe as Glimmer pumped the last of her mighty load into Silver. The defeated Silver lay on the ground, panting, groaning unintelligibly. He would never be the same again.
Glimmy pulled out and stepped back, her massive, dripping no-nos already receding into the void from whence they came, returning to the regular no-nos of a mare. Princess Twilight approached her timidly, her eyes cast shyly at the ground.
"Wow, Starlight! I never knew you could do that!
" she said, her no-nos visibly quivering to Silver's dismay. "Would you…would you like to hang out some time? I don't know why, but it…it just seems like you're a really great pony all of a sudden."
"Yeah!" chimed in Applejack. "Starlight, you are the best pony Equestria has ever known. We'll always be friends with you."
"Coolest pony in Equestria!" cried Rainbow Dash.
"Hear hear!" boomed a familiar voice.
"Princess Celestia!" cried all the ponies in unison.
The Princess of Equestria descended from the heavens and landed gracefully, tucking her wings to her side and approaching Starlight.
"Starlight Glimmer," she said, "For the valor you have shown today, I hearby relinquish my title and pronounce you Princess of all Equestria, which shall from this day forth be called Glimmernigeria! All other Princesses are now subordinate to you, and you may do with them as you please!"
Twilight Sparkle stepped forward shyly.
"As the Princess of Friendship, I hearby pledge my no-no regions to you, now and forever. Do with me as you please! And that goes for all of my friends as well!"
"Hear hear!" cried Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy.
The ponies of Equestria all bowed and paid homage.
"All hail best pony! All hail best pony! All hail best pony!"
Pinkie Pie suddenly pulled a party cannon from some dimension beyond the stars and blasted confetti all over the place.
"Hey everypony! Let's all head back to Sugar Cube Corner and have us a Glimmer is Best Pony Par-TAY!!"
The ponies cheered, raised Glimmer on their backs triumphantly, and trotted gaily off towards Sugar Cube Corner, a crowd of 1000 Glimmer clones trailing behind, booping themselves in rhythm as they marched. Silver watched them go, still unable to move. He threw back his head and let out a mighty wail of despair, except that all the sound he could muster was a tiny, almost inaudible moan.
"Pssh. Are you still here?" He looked up to see Lyra Heartstrings standing above him, glaring down with an irritated look on her face. "What are you lying around for? Start cleaning up this mess you made with your stupid battle scene!"
Bon Bon trotted into view and glowered at Silver alongside her friend.
"Yeah. We saved up all our bits for a month just to eat at this restaurant, and then you go and destroy it with a dumb anime battle. Good thing Best Pony was here to save the day!"
"Yeah!" cried Lyra, and they both trotted off, laughing gaily to each other.
Silver closed his eyes, a single tear rolling down his cheek. After what felt like hours, he heard the sound of hoofsteps next to his head. He opened his eyes.
"S-Sunset Shimmer?" he croaked out, as the pony standing before him came into focus. "I-I always liked you. Please help."
Sunset Shimmer glared down at him, and spat.
"You suck, Silver Star."
Can I steal that and upload it to Fimfiction?
Because if you won't do it I think someone should, it's too good not to disseminate with optimal comedic timing.
Although Silver Star would have to become Star Silver.>>4085>derails self
I get that you probably wanted me to be pissed off over this, but the first chapter was actually kinda funny. I'll read the rest later.
Great job, man! I'm glad I inspired you to be creative.
Seems he always has been while your work still lacks
Alright, I read the whole thing, and it went downhill quickly.
I thought you were going to do something creative with the whole "this character thinks he's the coolest" thing, but then you didn't. You just wrote the self-indulgent fapfic you believe my work is. You wrote what my work appears to be, in your eyes. And then your Glimmy tulpa felt slighted by my work, so you added a scene where Glimmer magically recovers from losing my magic and molests someone bigger and physically stronger than her. It's kind of disappointing, really.
Portals aren't exactly complex, Glimmer lost most of her magic near the end of the chapter in a way that would allow me to write a "Glimmer learns moral lessons as a weakling who cant magic her way through everything and might gain a cutie mark in temporal repair" story if I ever felt like it, I'm not familiar with Bleach(Zanpakutos are from that, right?), and Silver's Spares barely have 1hp each, they would break apart into wisps of magic blue smoke if you patted one on the back too hard.
But the comedic timing of the first chapter was good. Get over your blind love for Glimmer and desire to whiteknight for her, and you could be a great writer some day.
Why did autocorrect change "her magic" to "my magic"?
It's a satire portraying the immaturity and low level of your work, it took you a considerable amount of time to realize that *maybe* you will not like what he wrote.
But that isn't how satire works. To use simple terms, you smeared shit on a canvas and said that's what my art is.
Sure, that's what it is to you. But it isn't for you, and I could only make this for you by making my story into exactly what y'all wrote: more nonsensical "Glimmer is teh best" trash.
You didn't even parody my work right. It started off as one, painting Silver as a motorcycle-riding bad boy everyone lusts over, but…
It seems that you pissed yourself off while writing this. Emphasizing his ego to the point of absurdity was funny, but emphasizing how much he hates Glimmer… There are jokes that can be made about this. But you didn't make any jokes about it. You just emphasized Thrackerzod's skin tone- I mean Silver's dislike of Glimmer and called it a day.
Well, you didn't exactly call it a day. You wrote "Glimmer sucks" so many times, you had to write a "Glimmer molests him and is loved by all" fapfic to calm yourself down. Then you called it a day.
I mean, really. You could have made the obvious joke, you could have had Silver take Glimmer's sue status and end up the way he was before you derailed your own fic, that would have been funnier.
I get that this was written to "totally btfo me", but this is leftist-tier comedy.
Trump. Donald Trump. Dolan Thrackerzod.
Soy. Is that also censored here?
Save it, it's all yours my friend.
Wow. For just one brief, fleeting second it almost looked like you were going to learn something there.
>more nonsensical "Glimmer is teh best" trash.
>You just emphasized Thrackerzod's skin tone- I mean Silver's dislike of Glimmer and called it a day.
Hahahaha! HAAAAAA HAHAHAHA!
>Get over your blind love for Glimmer and desire to whiteknight for her, and you could be a great writer some day.
The unbelievable, universe-shattering, sides-obliterating salt on display. This was probably the best thing to wake up to in months. No, years. You sir, are the right-wing equivalent of the chick who attended Trump's inauguration to scream "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" So absolutely unaware of any facet of personality, worldview or politics beyond yourself that anyone who isn't an exact clone of your idealized self with the same taste in media, the same caveman's range of words, the same pleb-tier understanding of nationalism, fascism, social justice retardation, race, and muh horseshoe must be a harcore SJW who has a life-sized Glimmer they bought from BigSexyPlush.
I would rather spend my life as a human-interests editor at Al Jazeera than edit a single one of your works. That mockfic had you down pat.
What am I supposed to learn here? That a bunch of whiny and hypocritical Glimmer fanboys love to project? I already knew that.
What, exactly, am I supposed to "Learn" from you "Enlightened Commissar Teachers"?
That I'm a fool for not loving Glimmer and Communism as much as you? That I'm a fool for not being what you consider cool? Why do you feel entitled to not only my respect, but my reverence?
You children barely have the comedic understanding that made Epic Movie what it was.
What am I supposed to say, "Haha wow ok sorry guys looks like I made Silver too much like your version of him"? He acts cooler than he is, that's an aspect of his character. Something that flew over your head, it would seem.
You'd say that no matter what his name was, because that's the level of literary understanding you pseuds operate on. If it has Bad Tropes, like The OP OC, it is a Bad Story. It should include Good Tropes that you like, instead.
You say you hate it when writers "Won't take your criticism", but what you really mean is that you hate it when writers won't take your criticism as gospel.
You aren't entitled to representation. You aren't entitled to a pat on the back and a "Good job!" for saying you don't like the taste of OCs because of what your circlejerk says about all OCs, regardless of quality. You aren't entitled to my time. And I don't really care what words and tropes and other badwords you call me on this site or any other site. You aren't my target audience. Do you know who does want you as their target audience? Youtubers who post slideshows of reddit screencaps.
If you want me to turn my story around and rework it for your precious, delicate sensibilities, pay me.
Also if you need a profile image, I would urge you to use this one, of my personal OC Silver Star. Silver Star is a super ultra rad motorcycle bad ass with a heart of gold. But he's also humble. And a scientist. Did I ever tell you about the time he went on a date with Twilight Sparkle and spent the whole date talking about troll physics? Man, it was great. There's really a lot you can learn from this OC, I hope you like him.>>4098>>4103>>4111
I don't know who you are or why you're on this board impersonating me, but I really think you need to get over yourself. All I wanted to do was post a piece of original fiction I wrote that I think has a really great message if you give it a chance. You seem to be interpreting it as some kind of satire of your work. Sorry, but I'm afraid I've never heard of you. My name, though, is King Battlebrit, and I am a prolific author of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic-inspired original fiction, and I think you could learn a lot from my work if you give it a chance. Allow me to provide an in-depth explanation of this work for you, so that you may better understand it and possibly even further advance the quality of your own work, if you're indeed a writer that is.
As I mentioned, you seem to think this work is some kind of low-effort satire of your work. Nothing could be further from the truth. This is a completely original piece of fiction written to make a complex statement on the subject of urban decay, featuring my ultra-rad OC Silver Star, whom you seem to have misinterpreted as some kind of ironic parody of a similar character you came up with. Again, I apologize if you misunderstood, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to claim independent invention here. See pic related if you would like a visual reference, I'm sure it should clear up any misunderstandings about similarities to your work.
In any case, the central focus of this story is the restaurant, and it's eventual destruction by forces outside the control of its management staff. The phrase "less is more" has always been a central tenet of my literary philosophy, and I always like to incorporate elements into my work that you don't always see. This particular restaurant is, as the story mentions, the best restaurant in Ponyville, neigh Equestria. It's owner, an aging Earth Pony by the name of Emerald Whiskers, is a tough-as-nails old pony who has seen it all. He is, might I add, rather famous for his emerald colored whiskers. He spent his whole life building up that restaurant, in an endless, Sisyphean struggle against hostile government regulation, mob interference and the like. Read Atlass Shrugged
by Ayn Rand to get a better picture of what I am talking about. In the end, though, it was all in vain as his restaurant was eventually destroyed during the ebin battle between Starlight Glimmer and my personal OC, Silver Star.
To add to the tragedy, Lyra and Bon Bon, a pair of hardworking mares who scrimped and saved for an entire month just to enjoy one single meal at a fancy restaurant, arrive finally on the day they had set, only to find the restaurant in ruins. Can you imagine how crushed they would be? Not even by the flying debris that was launched through the air during Silver's final attack, although that would cause the tragic death of several ponies, who were regrettably unable to attend Glimmer's eventual coronation due to being dead. No, they were metaphorically crushed, emotionally damaged beyond repair, all because one selfish pony wanted to have an ebin anime battle in the middle of Ponyville's expensivest restaurant.
Incidentally, if you would like to learn more about the art and craft of writing, I would direct your attention to the subtle plot building I did near the top of post >>4088
, where it says, and I quote: "Twilight cried out in terror as her beloved Silver was thrown back through the restaurant, knocking over all the tables and stuff so that there was a terrible mess on the floor that somepony would probably have to clean up later." At the end of the narrative, you'll note that Silver is then tasked with the moral burden of cleaning up the rubble of the restaurant he destroyed. And the ponies who give him that task are none other than the unintended victims of his actions, Lyra and Bon Bon. It's a literary technique called "foreshadowing," and it sets the tone early on for the eventual resolution of the moral conflict the story introduces. Read The Turn of the Screw
by Henry James to get a better picture of what I am talking about.
>I'm not familiar with Bleach(Zanpakutos are from that, right?)
Bleach is an epic drama penned by Tite Kubo, whom many regard as the F. Scott Fizgerald of modern Japan. Much like Masashi Kishimoto's Naruto, it is a fascinating tale, essentially Dragon Ball Z but with different characters, that draws upon overused tropes of the Shonen genre without contributing anything significant to it. I deeply feel that it is something you would enjoy.
So, this is happening. Great.
Am I "Btfo"d yet?
Jesus, the left really can't meme.
Glad you asked!>He acts cooler than he is, that's an aspect of his character
Sounds like OP to me>You aren't entitled to representation. You aren't entitled to a pat on the back and a "Good job!" for saying you don't like the taste of OCs because of what your circlejerk says about all OCs, regardless of quality
Ditto, except replace "saying […] all OCs" with "writing another fic">You aren't my target audience
Then fuck off. You say you 'don't care' (or whatever the literal quote is) and yet it is obvious you do by the extraordinary lengths you will go to try and plead your case to an audience which seems increasingly adversarial.
This whole scenario is particularly amusing to me because I've just spent hours bingeing on Gordon Ramsay, and the comparison between you and many of the chefs/owners/managers who he literally has to berate sense into is astonishing.>>4113>BTFO
>t. guy who took you seriously and gave you (and will continue to give) honest suggestions that might help you improve your writing if you'd stop sperging for just one fucking second
I love you man holy shit
What was uploaded there?
It was a screencap of Battlebrit's fic. I think someone reported it :^)
>>4115>>He acts cooler than he is, that's an aspect of his character>Sounds like OP to me
Stopped reading there. You really don't understand what the word means. But that's alright, I won't call you out. I'll just skip over posts from this ID.
But could you tell the others here why you feel it "BTFO"s me when some Glimmer fan decides to mockingly imitate what I either am, or seem to be conflated with for the sake of convenience?>>4114
If that's all you see when you read my posts, why bother reading them? Why not close your eyes, open up Notepad, and type about how hard you're laughing at the cringiest mooiest thing you can imagine there?
And to the other gommies here…
I'm used to debating politics on the internet. I'm used to seeing crying hypocrites claim that I'm this or that, or that I need to stop acting in this or that way, and there's never any substance to these liberal arguments. It's always "I feel you're a X", "I feel you need to stop being so Xish", "I feel you're so triple-hilarious megalmao-level wrong that I don't need to explain why", that sort of garbage.
I wrote a chapter where Glimmer, instead of going back to her home planet, is sent to what her new home planet should be. I knew this would get some crossdressing panties in a twist, and it did. What would I gain by taking their screeching projections seriously?
You keep using those words, I no think they mean what you think they mean. Stating an opinion three paragraphs into a factual rebuttal doesn't make it an argument from feelings. Insulting you after showcasing in-depth the sweet nectar that has been spilling from your kek-teat does not make it ad-hominem.
I have an idea: delete system32 and spend a week reading fascist literature. Maybe by the end of it you'll be a bit better at being a member of the alt-right you seem to like gatekeeping for while telling others they're gatekeepers.
Oh right, cuz I can't just reset my router n shit
>You children barely have the comedic understanding.>You aren't entitled to my time.>You aren't my target audience.
(are we "over", too? .0.)>your precious, delicate sensibilities>pay me.
Get out of here, Sean Bradley Dickenson. This thread is about King Battlebrit and his glorious Glimmernigeria fanfic. Nobody asked for your plagiarist opinion.
He's only worth teasing. No extra energy at this point is worth a penny. Let this thread be a reminder that you should sooner kill traitors and normie plebbitors than an enemy. Out of the three types of NatSocs, he can only qualify as a soldier, and that will take much training that may not even pay off.
The true intellectual wit of The Scholar, and the mental fortitude of an Adventurer, clearly exhibited by glimmernigel.
I take it back, you aren't even worth keeping around as a warrior. You would likely Petraeus rather than fight the enemy because without a glimmer, without that thing to fight for the sake of fighting it, you're nothing.
Listen, you limey autist. I opened your story yesterday and I slogged my way through all ~20,000 words of this dreck (well, to be fair I skipped over like 70% of the argument between Silver and Glimmer because it didn't seem relevant to the story). I'm going to tell you exactly what's wrong with it, whether you want to listen or not.1. Your OC Sucks
As much as it seems like I'm beating a dead pony
at this point, I would like to once again draw your attention to the simple fact that your OC is God almighty fucking terrible. There is not one redeeming feature to this character. Not. One. There is nothing that can be done to salvage this character other than to discard him and start again. Your character is the literal definition of a Mary Sue. If you take Plato's theory of the Forms as gospel, the Form of the concept of a Mary Sue character would be Silver Star, even beating out the original Mary Sue from that Star Trek fic eons ago that the name is derived from. It's honestly like you went to a convention panel called How to Avoid Creating a Mary Sue OC and did everything they said not to do. Let me demonstrate:
>Sometimes it was rough being a rich and handsome superpowered genius who was an all-powerful magician and time-travelling quantum physicist who could bend time and space to his will and was also the world's greatest ninja.
This is a quote from a trollfic some anon probably wrote in an hour while sitting on the toilet. You've accused him of misrepresenting your character, but this sentence literally describes your character verbatim. You literally made your self-insert character rich, handsome, ridiculously overpowered both physically and mentally, a more powerful magician than the canon world's established top magician and protagonist, Twilight Sparkle (who is naturally madly in love with him) an interdimensional traveler who writes books about quantum physics, and literally the world's greatest ninja.
What do you do with a character like this? What is his purpose? Where is his development arc? His struggles, his travails, the things that makes the audience root for him and want to see him succeed? There are none, the only thing the audience (such as it is) wants to see him do is succ.
This character is even bad by the standards of the shit-tier anime you blatantly rip off (Naruto, etc). Most Shonen Jump protagonists are stupidly overpowered badasses with little personality. That is to be expected since these stories are written for nine year old Japanese boys who just tune in to watch battles and explosions. However, even crap anime protagonists have more depth than Silver Star. Those characters are usually at least given some kind of flaw or foible, something to make them human and sympathetic to the audience. He might be socially awkward, bad with women, goofy, silly; the kind of person who can beat any opponent in battle, but in between fights is always making the other characters roll their eyes at him. A good example would be Vash the Stampede from Trigun (a much better anime imo than Naruto or DBZ or any others you rip off actually, but it works well enough as an example here). He is a powerful superhuman with a gun built into his arm, who is literally powerful enough to destroy the world if he wants to. However, that's just in battle. Most of the series he is treated almost like a comic relief character, a goofy awkward sperg who is always fucking things up. By the end of the show you are endeared to him and genuinely sympathize with his struggles. Silver Star? Not at all. From the very beginning he is overpowered and a master at everything he does. His love interest practically worships him. The entire plot arc of the story is nothing but him lecturing another pony. He learns nothing. He doesn't grow. He doesn't struggle. He doesn't have to. He's already the world's richest and handsomest magical super scientist ninja, who all the mares love and all the stallions want to be. His only role in the story is to be awesome.
I'm going to split this into multiple posts because frankly, Nigel, this has been a long time coming and I want to make sure I get everything out that needs to be out.
Hooohh shit here we go niggers, I got my popcorn ready after reading that first post. This is gonna be satisfying.
>>4128>>4111>>41202. Your Insufferable Narcissism
If your garbage fanfic can be said to have any sort of overarching literary theme, it is its egregious, over the top glorification of your own ego. Like most autistic individuals, you exhibit extreme narcissistic behavior, with your own perception of your talents and significance contrasting with reality, as well as a complete inability to see yourself the way others see you. This is ultimately why you respond so negatively to criticism, it's not just that you don't want to see how awful you or your work are, it's that you are literally incapable of it. Well, again, I'm going to explain it to you anyway.
The entire first chapter of your work consists of a "date" between Silver "Massive Faggot" Star and Twilight Sparkle. The focus of the writing should be on the development of their relationship. If you had any talent as a writer you would dial back Twilight's level of interest and dial up Silver "I Chug Stallion Cum" Star's level of spergy behavior, so that he is constantly putting his hoof in his mouth and Twilight is continuously getting offended or weirded out by him. At the same time you would add in a couple of cute flirty moments, and maybe conclude with Twilight learning something about Silver "Anus Gaping From All the Raping" Star that, while she still isn't quite sure about him, maybe makes her feel a little sympathetic to him. You would then conclude the date, leaving the reader feeling as if progress had been made but ultimately looking forward to the next installment of the romantic sub-plot.
However, this is not what you do. As mentioned earlier, Silver "Stick it in my Ponut" Star is already super powered and beloved by all, which Twilight already knows. She doesn't need to learn anything about him to know she is madly in love with him, she already wants his mighty member more than she wants to be the Princess of Friendship. She's only on this date so she can worship him and ask him questions about himself.
That brings us to the crux of the biscuit. While this chapter is ostensibly a date between Twilight and Silver "I can't talk about myself right this second because my esophagus is literally bursting with cock, but as soon as I'm finished I'll go on for twelve pages" Star, that really has nothing to do with what is really going on here. The "date" is really just a flimsy framing device you use to dump in walls of text about the autistic details of how magic and technology in your setting works, and how Silver "Please stick it in deeper you're not even touching my prostate yet" Star is the undisputed master of all of it. Twilight, the love interest of the protagonist, is barely even a presence here. Her only role is to ask questions that serve as preludes to the spergy bullshit you want to crap all over the page, and occasionally interject things like "wow" and "neat" to remind you of how awesome Silver "Balls Against my Chin For the Win" Star is, in case the reader might have forgotten.
In fact, you get so carried away blathering about world mechanics that you don't even want to waste space paying lip service to the flimsy framing device. You start off the date by having Twiggles and Silver "Cum On My Lips and Win a Prize" Star agree to a you-ask-me-one-I-ask-you-one kind of dialog. This is almost immediately abandoned. The entire conversation is Twilight asking Silver "give me two bits and you can slide down the chimney" Star questions about all the amazing things he can do, because apparently she is just so madly fascinated by Silver "never mind the two bits just fuck my throat already" Star that she ends up eagerly asking him question after question, never even stopping to consider that he might want to ask her some questions (what a self-centered cunt, amirite?)
The only questions Silver "I'm starting to run out of gay jokes" Star has for Twiggles are "What is your favorite color?", "Are you single?", and "What was your first day in Ponyville like?" The last question is probably the only one that could indicate this colossal verbal monument to the author's self-centeredness has any interest in learning anything about Twilight, and naturally the story cuts off before she even answers. The chapter ends with Twilight "owing" Silver "I'll never run out of gay jokes because this character will never run out of gay" Star I think, six questions? I honestly stopped counting because honestly, who the fuck even cares? You'll never get back to it.
>>4045>100k words of muh glimmer is a commie
You have to be pretty fucking creatively bankrupt to base your entire story on a meme and then go into neck deep into political sperging which nobody wants to read.
>>4130>>4111>>41202a. Clumsy World Building
I'm including these sections as a subscript to my section on your narcissism because it relates to your handling of the Silver-Twilight date.
I'm going to say this bluntly first and foremost: DUMPING HUGE WALLS OF TEXT INTRICATELY EXPLAINING HOW MAGIC AND SCIENCE AND WHATEVER THE FUCK ELSE IN YOUR WORLD WORKS INTO QUOTES AND HAVING IT SPOKEN BY THE MAIN CHARACTER IS NOT HOW YOU FUCKING WORLD BUILD. This cannot be overemphasized. Nobody wants to sit and read all that dreck. Nobody cares enough how magic in your universe works to sit and read all that, and even if someone did, they wouldn't want it explained to them all at once.
The shit you wrote about magic and whatever is not something you publish for the reader. You write it all out for yourself, save it into a text file on your hard drive, and use it as a reference to maintain continuity whenever something in your story happens that uses those mechanics. Even if your intention was to write a plotless, shallow, Shonen Jump-ripoff action story completely devoid of character building and feeling (mission accomplished, btw), the kind of autists who read that sort of garbage and obsess over all the stupid details like what power such-and-such character has, and who would win in a fight between so-and-so, don't want to be spoonfed the details all at once. They want to watch battle after battle after mind-numbing battle, and have the mechanics demonstrated so that they can obsess over the details themselves. I seriously doubt even the most brain-dead Narutard would give even two fucks about your stupid GOD FUCKING AWFUL OC (I'm just going to point to >>4128
again because I really want to emphasize that your OC is horrendous), but if you took the time to do it properly you could probably salvage your world mechanics and build a better story with a better MC. And when I say better I mean better according to the standards of your chosen genre, in which fortunately for you the bar is really not set all that high.
Incidentally, what I mentioned would apply equally in a quality story with actual literary value. When writing a story focusing on romance or politics or attempting to make a moral commentary you will want to downplay battles and world mechanics in general since your audience probably won't care. However if you want to write out world mechanics for continuity it's probably a good idea. However in your case I would not attempt writing anything good before at least managing to successfully write something that isn't god-awful.2b. Disrespect for Canon Characters
This also relates directly to your handling of the Twilight date. As I mentioned earlier, Silver "Semen Please Daddy" Star spends the entire date blabbering about himself and shows essentially no genuine interest in Twilight at all, other than the dumb scene taking place in his head in which he makes le awkward comment and freaks out internally. This is probably intended to be funny but it falls short, mainly due to its having no effect on the conversation whatsoever; Twilight's level of interest doesn't change and she just keeps asking him tedious questions about how he gallops and how time travel works and whatever the fuck else.
If you made your character a narcissistic asshole on purpose you could use that as a plot building device by having Twilight react appropriately to Silver "I don't care if your dick has Zebra shit on it I want it in my mouth" Star's egotism and storm off, similar to Rarity's reaction to Prince Blueblood's behavior in the Gala episode. This would then present a fine opportunity for Silver "Help Me I Am Literally Drowning In Cum" Star to do some self-reflection, realize he might not be as great as he thinks he is, apologize to Twilight (if you want to make the reader actually give a shit you should probably have her act like a tsundere bitch for a couple of chapters and make him work for it before she forgives him), thus setting the stage for the second date, which if done properly the reader would care about. However, this would unfortunately require a level of self-awareness that you don't seem to possess.
There is not even a hint of irony to how Silver "You know what on second thought don't help me, just give me more cum" Star behaves in this story. You, the author, are genuinely as narcissistic as he is, and seem to honestly believe that the reader is more interested in how Silver "Mrrmphrrrgarblgarblgarbl that's the sound I make when choking on half-breed donkey cock" Star manages to travel between worlds and split the human genome and how he totally kicked the shit out of Goku that one time, than he is in the mare he is supposed to be on a date with.
>>4135>>4111>>41202b. Disrespect for Canon Characters - Continued
This is a hard pill for authors like you to swallow, but the simple fact is that fanfiction audiences are going to care more about the established canon characters than they do about your OC. Even if you knew how to create an OC that wasn't absolutely pure, undiluted warm diarrhea streaming out of the butthole of a Zebra-Griffon-Donkey chimera created through whatever the fuck magic process you autistically described that created your dumb half-horse-half-dragon thing that Silver "Mommy Dressed Me Like A Filly When I Was a Colt and This is How I Turned Out" Star had his long, drawn out mock Naruto battle with to impress Twilight who he is only superficially interested in because the author likes to rub his pathetic knobby limp dick to pictures of her directly into the mouth of the reader whether they want to taste said diarrhea or not (protip: they don't), the reader is still going to care more about how you depict the canon characters than how you develop your OC. It's not an excuse to make a shitty OC mind you, if anything it means you should work even harder to make your OC likeable because you have a steeper grade to climb with him. However, you need to remember that people reading your fanfic are going to be coming into this story with feelings and opinions regarding established characters and they are going to expect you to write them properly. You don't even attempt to do this with Twilight.
Even ignoring the fact that you don't write dialog for her that sounds like anything she would actually say (I feel like someone else in this or maybe the other thread pointed this out to you, and in a rare moment of introspection you actually admitted it was a shortcoming of yours, so I won't focus on it, although how to properly write dialog for established characters is definitely a subject you should research), you write Twilight in a way that is frankly insulting to anyone who even remotely gives a shit about this character.
She doesn't say anything. She doesn't do anything. Her only purpose in this story is to be Silver "Ho ho ho I am Santa Claus, get it? It's because there is semen all over my face and it looks like a beard" Star's love interest, and you don't even treat her with enough respect to even make her effective even as that. I really want to drive this point home. You put Twilight on a date with Silver "I'm not even going to give him a nickname this time as his real name is literally synonymous with sucking cock" Star, and instead of using this as an opportunity for the two to have a meaningful conversation, you turn it into a massive masturbation scene for your garbage OC, who, I would once again like to stress, is just awful.
The universe you are writing in is called "Friendship is Magic", not "Autistic Battle Scenes With Lasers and Explosions are Cool". The whole series is about relationships. I get that some authors like to write edgy or dark stories, or try to put in more action or drama, but ultimately this is a show about friendship. Interaction between characters is important in this world. Whatever else you want to add to the universe by writing fanfiction, you need to learn how to write stories about how characters relate to each other. Nobody, and I mean literally nobody, wants to read a story that is just a huge egotistical jerkoff-fest for a terrible character you created. Learn who your fucking audience is before you start writing, you turbosperg.
Pic related is Twilight this time instead of Glimmer. I want you to look at her. I want you to remember that according to your own rules, by writing this god-awful story, you created a parallel universe in which this poor, beautiful, intelligent creature has been reduced to a flimsy, one-dimensional, empty-headed nothing that you stuck in your story for no reason other than to give yourself a boner, and to prop up your shit-tier OC, one Silver "Fuck My Ponut Until it Tears At The Seams, Resembling A Leaky Raspberry Jam Filled Donut that has been stepped on" Star. This poor pony, once the Princess of Friendship, is wandering around the shitty world you made for her, probably struggling to remember who she was and who she is supposed to be, but all she can think about is how badly she wants to jump the bones of the stupid character you foisted upon her as a love interest. You created that world. Now suffer for it.
Oh yeah, one point I wanted to make that I forgot to include:
>His eyes widened. “Out of all the theories I’ve heard, that one’s definitely the smartest.” He said, and she grinned, making that cute little squeaky-toy noise only a pony could make. “But no,” He said, and, surprised, she made that noise in reverse.
I am quite frankly a misogynistic pig who has mentally put ponies into some pretty raunchy situations, and even I think this statement is almost jaw-droppingly demeaning to Twiggles, particularly when taken in context with the rest of this section of the story.
This entire date scene can be summarize thusly:>Twilight and Silver "I want you to pump my asshole like you've been wandering in the desert and just found one of those old timey water pumps and are desperately trying to get water out of it" Star meet for lunch and "conversation">Silver "seriously, I am a colossal faggot have you figured this out yet" Star spends the entire date talking about himself>asks Twilight her favorite color and whether or not she is single>beyond this shows no apparent interest in her>Twilight is compared to a chew toy, reduced to making cute squeaky noises just because Silver "I will suck your dick so hard you will literally turn inside out" Star gave her some superficial praise, not because of anything she said or did, but because she is so far the only pony who seems intelligent enough to understand just how totally awesome Silver "pound my asshole until my hips break" Star actually is>This is all 100% unironic
I know self reflection is a tall order for you Nigel, but please try to absorb some of this. It really is crucial to your understanding just why everyone keeps shitting so hard on you.
God's work man. I'm on the road but just know I'm loving every last syllable. I only wish I had access to my desktop so I could personally be the one to screencap this thread and spread it like wildfire.
Very cogent stuff, friend! Well, for me, at least: can't speak for Nigel.
Keep it up!
>>4136>>4137>>4111>>41203. Blaming the Audience
This section is less about your work itself and more about your reaction to criticism of your work, but it's all part of the same lesson, and it's just as important for you to absorb if you have any hope at all of improving as a writer (which at this point I'm not even sure is what you actually want).
So far, your reaction to criticism (and frankly, there has been some valuable and insightful criticism made in both threads already, which you sadly seem hell-bent on ignoring because muh ego) has been dismissive and insulting, and shows that you frankly have no idea why you should even want to write fanfiction in the first place. The single recurring theme I am hearing from you over and over again is "this wasn't written for you." This is bullshit.
Even ignoring the simple question of if it wasn't written for us why would you even bother posting it here, statements like "you didn't get what I was going for" or "you're not the intended audience" are the perennial complaint of the talentless hack. Here's the thing, Nigel: you don't pick your audience, your audience picks you. You're asking people to take time away from whatever it is they're doing and devote a portion of it to reading some pile of shit you wrote. If you're going to do that, the absolute least you could do is make it interesting for them. If you can't even be fucked to do that much, the absolute least you could do is not berate them when they tell you to piss off with it.
While it's true that certain stories are usually aimed or marketed at different groups of people, that doesn't really apply here. It can be assumed that since this story is set in the FiM universe and is posted on FiMfiction, you are probably writing a story aimed at fans of the My Little Pony franchise, specifically the FiM series. Thus, if fans of that series and that type of fiction are telling you your story is shit, you should listen.
Here's another thing, Nigel: you say that the story was written for a different audience, but who is that audience exactly? This is a board made up of at least half pony fans, with the other half being /pol/ anons who are at a minimum willing to tolerate pony. Nobody is shitting on your story because it's a pony story. You specifically made the story about politics (a bad choice of theme for this story and you pulled it off poorly, but we'll get into that later), so it's not as if anyone here is criticizing it because of your political stances. If we're not in your target audience, who is?
The crux of the biscuit here is that we are not in your target audience because nobody is in your target audience. This kind of pure, undiluted, 100% homegrown weapons grade toxic-to-human-and-pony-life-alike shit doesn't have an audience. Your target audience is anyone who is willing to wade through the ocean of verbal diarrhea you wrote, suck your dick and tell you how awesome you and your shit-tier OC are. You came here looking to find such people, and surprise surprise didn't find any, so you flip your shit and tell everyone that it's us, not you, who are the ball lickers. Well, fuck you.
Okay, I'm cutting this one short for now because I completely forgot I picked up a shift tonight and have to go to work. I will be back in like four hours. Nigel, I don't know if you're reading this or if you're off somewhere sulking, but I'm going to give you the in-depth criticism of your shit-tier work that you yourself demanded if it takes me all night tonight and all day tomorrow. Remember: you brought this on yourself.
To those in the gallery eating popcorn and enjoying the show, I bid you adieu and implore you to stick around for the remaining acts.
Until we meet again, friends and countrymen.
Glorious stuff so far. Can't wait for the political portion of this - the suspense is killing me to hear the portion where you really fucking nail that faggot until he begs you for more.
Im learning myself and might give writing another go tbh
Oh, I'll be watching this intently, even if I can't do it real-time. Hell, I'm itching to contribute something to the thread myself, should Nigel remain obstinate.>>4144
You definitely should. Hell, any excuse to reboot the old writefag thread is a good one.
I've only posted occasionally for Anonfilly (no offense to you guys, you have some good green and I like anonfilly, but it's not exactly a huge creative venue and were I to write a lot I might slip into a lot of bad habits writing-wise). But lately I've felt like coming up with something either original or pony-based that's politically based but nowhere near what Nigel's been doing.
I was more thinking of a character's slow transition from nihilist to an archetypical natsoc Adventurer. Something like Murdoch, with slightly less comic relief. But I'm going to let it incubate for a while, don't want to rush things or let it take over my work and other things.
I was doing a story about Humans breaking their isolation to grt help as a storm approached their lands, trying to use all the OCs to give them more background story on how they all met. I ran into a block and kinda gave up on it, but this is some great great advice
Hey fellas I'm back, just getting my thoughts together.
Please, take whatever time you need to make it exceptional! I'm just getting ready for the show.
>>4142>>4111>>41203a. You Literally Do Not Understand the Craft of Writing At All
This relates to the previous section about blaming the audience, and will expand upon several points from that section.
One of the most important parts of writing well that is sadly seldom discussed in panels or taught in classes has nothing to do, directly, with writing. It is the art of deciding what to write about, and, once the idea is selected, evaluating whether or not it's something you should actually write. This skill is completely separate from the mechanical task of actual writing. An individual can have all other aspects of writing down: mechanical aspects such as grammar and language, creative aspects such as what I've mentioned before (building good characters, developing good stories), as well as things like pacing and scene structure, and still completely fall flat on his face trying to write anything because he chose an idiotic subject. If I had to pick a single area where you have shown absolutely, positively, 100% for certain no demonstrable talent at all, it would be this area. Which is a shame, because it's the hardest thing to teach, but I will do my best to explain it.
Part of it ties directly into what I said earlier about knowing your audience. In order to write something that will be well received, you have to understand who you are writing for and what they are likely to want to read. It is therefore essential that you be open to criticism, especially when first starting out and testing the waters in a genre you're not familiar with, because the things that people tell you they like or don't like will give you clues about what sorts of things you should do or not do in future projects. If multiple people are telling you they hate the same thing in your work, it's a pretty good indicator that you should stop doing what you're doing, and focus more on things that multiple people are telling you that they like. Since you've demonstrated unbelievable levels of density throughout this thread, I am going to plainly state what would be obvious to any other person: pretty much everyone in this thread has told you that they hate pretty much everything about this work, and so far nobody has mentioned anything that they like. That would be an alarm bell for most competent writers.
That said, there are some things you do well, but the problem is everything you do well is in the mechanical realm. You have a good mastery of the English language (which is impressive seeing as how you live in a mostly African country) and can lay out scenes and describe things well. I think someone in this or the other thread mentioned that already, but it bears repeating because it's a strength. Sadly, it's pretty much your only strength.
Writing fiction is similar to building a physical structure, except you're doing all the work yourself. You need to be both the architect and the builder. If all you can do is mechanically write well, you are a good builder. However, if you don't know what to build or why you're building it, that skill is useless. So, basically, if you want to write something, first you need to select a good idea; so part one of the process is figuring out what to write. Second, you need to evaluate whether or not the idea you have is good and is something that people will want to read. This part is a little trickier and involves a bit of introspection, which unfortunately seems to be a major deficiency with you. Basically you have to figure out why you chose the subject that you chose and what you want to communicate by writing about it. Both parts require you to evaluate and understand both your audience and yourself.
I would like to deal with each of these concepts separately and will begin with topic selection in the next post.
Colony fags look at this as well: >>166259>>4152>part of this is knowing your audience
Oh no sweety. ^:)
>>4152>>4111>>41203b. You Have No Fucking Idea Why You're Even Doing This
Let's deal with subject selection first.
As an example, I will take King Battlebrit's fine work from this very thread. Let's see if we can figure out together why he was able to write something that people enjoyed despite it being probably very low-effort and arguably even low-quality, whereas your work, which is much more verbose and probably required greater levels of human effort to vomit upon the page, has earned only scorn and derision. There is an external and an internal component to how this works. We will start with the external, which is the evaluation of one's audience and what the writer thinks he can offer them.
Here is how I imagine King Battlebrit's mind works when choosing what to write:
>Step One: Who is our audience?
Anons on /mlpol/>who, specifically?
Anons in Nigel's gay-ass thread>why are they there?
Nigel wrote some stupid fanfiction and is fishing for compliments, anons are gathering to shit on it and trigger him for lols
Alright, so we have an audience. We know who this group of people is, and what the common thread (pun unintentional) between them is.
>Step Two: What do they seem to be interested in?
Based on the above information, we can infer that they probably do not much care for Nigel's work>what do they like?
making fun of Nigel>what specifically?
poking fun at his weaknesses and trigger points
Alright, so we know what our audience probably wants.
>Step Three: What do we want to give our audience?
Probably a parody of Nigel's story would get some keks>how would we execute this?
First we would have to slog our way through Nigel's original work, probably the hardest part of the job. A parody should have the same feeling and texture as the original so as to be recognizable as a parody. This requires a familiarity with the source material. It is also helpful to understand what aspects you want to poke fun at. For this work, we should focus on making fun of the narrative's obvious deficiencies, primarily its overpowered and highly unlikable main character, as well as the author's irrational hatred for Best Pony.>what elements should we avoid?
Things the audience doesn't care about, obviously. Since we know they didn't like Nigel's story we can probably assume they don't give a shit if our narrative fits into his world or not. Thus we can ignore the complex world mechanics he so painstakingly outlined for us instead of paying attention to poor neglected Twiggles, who for reasons unknown loves his shitty OC anyway, whose name, simply because I haven't mentioned it for a while, is Silver "I'm like a wine connoisseur but with penises instead of wine" Star.
Alright. So, we now know what we are writing, what elements we should prioritize and what elements are less important. Now let's evaluate.
>Who are we writing for?
Anons who hate Nigel and his faggot OC>What are we writing?
A parody of Nigel's story that makes fun of Nigel and his faggot OC>How specifically do we want to execute it?
We're going to make our protagonist his OC, with literally nothing changed except the addition of a layer of irony that will probably sail over Nigel's incredibly dense head. We will then have his character get fucked in the ass by Starlight Glimmer with a cock, because Nigel hates Starlight Glimmer and it will be funny.>Will our story have things in it our audience will like?
Yes>Can we avoid things they won't like?
Yes>Will the audience like this story?
Probably>Should we write this?
See how easy that was? Now, let's apply the same process to your story's premise.
>Step One: Who is my audience?
My Little Pony: FiM fans>who specifically?
FiMfiction users (I'll exclude /mlpol/ since according to you we're not part of your audience)>why are they there?
Because they are interested enough in FiM to read fanfiction of it
>Step Two: What do they seem to be interested in?
Stories involving the universe and characters of FiM>what do they like?
probably the same things that drew them to the show in the first place>what specifically?
stories that focus on the show's themes and characters, possibly with original or external elements added for spice and excitement
>Step Three: What do we want to give our audience?
I have this totally awesome OC that I want to show off, he's super powerful and rich and handsome and also the world's greatest magical ninja. I want to write a story where he argues with Starlight Glimmer about politics and also shows Twilight Sparkle how cool he is so he can date her because she is a qt.>how would we execute this?
Divide the story into two parts. Part One will involve my rad OC telling Twilight about all the cool stuff he can do and having her be amazed at how great he is. Part Two will involve my rad OC telling Glimmer she's stupid and her ideology is stupid and her stupid face is stupid. The approximate length of this will be literally almost half the length of The Great Gatsby.>what elements should we avoid?
plot, character development, quality dialog
Now, let's evaluate:>Who are we writing for?
Pony fans>What are we writing?
A story about my awesome OC beating a character from the show in an argument>how to execute?
Put everything I want to say about politics and how awesome my OC is into quotes and have the OC say it>Will I include things they like?
ponies I guess, although they don't factor in much>Can I avoid what they don't like?
that would eliminate most of the story>Will the audience like this?
doubtful>Should I write this?
Again, easy peasy. See how much work you could have saved just by evaluating your idea from the perspective of your audience?
Next: Evaluation: Why am I writing?
>>4154>when you get btfo by a story that only uses third person narration
Silver where are you now?
Probably hugging his shimmy bodypillow waiting for the meanie anon to go away so he can start talking his fic up again :'^)
>>4154>>4111>>41203c. Seriously, You Have NO FUCKING IDEA Why You're Even Doing This
Alright, we've covered evaluation of an idea from the audience's perspective. Fortunately for you, this is a largely mechanical process similar to marketing a product, that even an autist like you could probably handle if you gave it a shot. Next is the slightly more mercurial process of introspective evaluation, which experience tells me will probably be next to impossible for you, but what the hell; this is more for the other anons reading this than it is for you at this point, so I will give explaining it a shot and maybe you will pleasantly surprise me one day. This process can basically be summarized as "Why do I even want to write in the first place?"
Writing is a form of communication. That seems obvious (to most of us at least, I'm not sure about you), but it's worth emphasizing. Writing anything, from a letter to a business memo to a novel, is usually done for the purpose of communicating something to others. If you are writing a piece of fiction, then you ought to have some sort of message you would like to convey, be it about yourself, the world around you, something you believe in, whatever. Even if the only objective of your story is to tell an entertaining tale or make people laugh you should still give thought to what you want to convey and keep the story focused on that. A story with no message, or that tries to have multiple messages at once, ends up messy and usually tedious.
Let's take a look at what you wrote. What are you trying to convey here? Well, as far as I can tell, your story has three central messages (listed in order of apparent priority to you):>Your Silver "Rock Out With Your Cock In My Ass" Star OC is super awesome at everything and everyone should love him>You hate Starlight Glimmer and by extension so should everyone else>Communism is a bad ideology with a history of failure
We'll go into each of these at length in a minute. I'll give you a little spoiler though: one of these is actually decent and worth communicating in a story. If communicated effectively, you could theoretically write something of real literary value. The other two are moronic and should have remained in your head. If you can guess which one is the good one, you will win a prize.
You can evaluate messages in a similar way to how we evaluated premises in the previous section. Simply put, the question you need to ask is: What do I want to say, and who, if anyone, is going to care? After that, you will want to ask yourself: How can I communicate this in a way that will make the audience respond the way I want? Giving serious thought to these principles will help guide your writing, and will further assist you when deciding what elements to include in a narrative and what to leave out. It even helps in revision and editing (you do actually do that part, right?), because a lot of times you'll read back over your text and realize that a lot of what you wrote is irrelevant or off-message. If your text is too long (20,000 words for a story basically about a date and an argument is definitely in this category) this will help you trim down what's not important, and you will be left with a text that adequately conveys your message.
Really, now that I think about it, I probably wrote these sections out of sequence. Deciding in advance what you want to communicate is even more important than determining who your audience is, and should be done first. The message you want to convey and who you want to convey it to should be first in your mind before you even start thinking up actual story ideas. Having a clear message in mind will also help you filter out dumb ideas from the get go without even having to fully evaluate them, which again if you'd done you probably wouldn't have written this steaming pile of shit in the first place.
Let's look at your messages from this perspective:>Silver "I came to kick ass and chew bubble gum and suck thousands of dicks and not do the first two things" Star is totally super awesome at everything he can do, which is literally everything
It should be completely obvious to everyone but you that this is a dumb thing to want to communicate. Who cares about this? Nobody. Nobody cares how awesome you think your OC is. You can make your OC into anything you want since it's just fiction and you're making it up, so there's nothing really amazing about him even if you make him amazing. Here's an example:
"Once upon a time, there was a pony named Jimmy Buttlicker. He was the greatest of all ponies. He could shoot deadly laser beams out of his butthole and also travel through time. One day he traveled back in time to 2009 and shot laser beams out of his butthole at Barack Obama and that nigger died and wasn't President anymore. America was saved. Then Applejack had sex with him because why not I like Applejack. The end."
Pretty compelling narrative, huh? See, here's the thing: all of these things would be remarkable if they happened in real life. A pony who shoots lasers out of his butt and then gets laid? Pretty cool. In a story though, it's nothing remarkable, because the character is just the author's creation, and can do whatever the author says he can do. There is a concept called "suspension of disbelief" that basically states that you have to follow the rules you establish within your own narrative (or the rules of your chosen universe if you are writing fanfiction) in order for people to believe it, but aside from that you can pretty much do whatever you want in fiction. That is a power you have to use wisely.
nuu muh waifu
He's actually pretty obsessed with using Twilight in his stories actually.
If he told you anything about it he'd probably say, "but that's because i'm parodying self-insert and HIE stories with the main 6," or something like that.>>4154
You should read some of his parody ideas / stories, one of them is on Fimfic and is the kind of horrendous overblown writing he likes to use. He only ever made on parody that was pretty workable, but that was before he made the Fimfic one and it did use the same overblown style of writing and definitely overused exaggeration of too many literary concepts themselves.
I think he has a badcase of 'never change.'
From the way he constantly talks up Barbie shit and defends Shimmy, I coulda sworn she'd be his go-to waif. But then again he wouldn't be a proper lolcow if he didn't ship his self insert with his waifu, would he?
Seriously though how can the guy enjoy a movie centered around a villain whose entire evil plot is retarded? Get the crown? Well this is only school security so you could steal it or wait until the prom queen is….no? You want to win the crown yourself? …..by doctoring photos of one singular competitor who doesn't even know how to human in order to frame and disqualify them?
Shim is even more shit than Glim and I don't even think either of them deserved a redemption arc.
>>4158>>4111>>41203c. Seriously, You Have NO FUCKING IDEA Why You're Even Doing This - Continued
Alright, what's next on the agenda?
>You hate Starlight Glimmer
I haven't read anything else you've written, but I'm guessing this is a recurring theme in your work. It's definitely a recurring theme in your posts on this board. Clearly, it is a very important subject to you; Captain Ahab had his whale, Don Quixote had his windmills, Al Gore had Manbearpig, and Nigel has Starlight Glimmer. That is why this next part is going to be very difficult for you to hear, but it is absolutely CRUCIAL for you to get this through your incredibly dense autistic head if you ever want to become even a marginally passable author of fanfiction or anything else, including dirty limericks written in bathroom stalls. NOBODY GIVES A SHIT THAT YOU HATE STARLIGHT GLIMMER. I am going to say this again for emphasis: NOBODY GIVES A SHIT THAT YOU HATE STARLIGHT GLIMMER. On its own line, in bold, just in case you missed it the first two times:NOBODY GIVES A SHIT THAT YOU HATE STARLIGHT GLIMMER.
Literally. No. One. On. Earth. Or. Equestria. Or. Anywhere. Fucking. Cares. What. You. Think. About. Starlight. Glimmer.
Autistic individuals tend to have warped interpretations of reality and tend to skew events in actual reality to fit those beliefs. In your case, you seem to have gotten it into your head that everyone who doesn't like the dreck you churn out is a covert Glimmer fan and their criticism of you is just damage control because you insulted Best Pony. After all, that's the only logical explanation, right? I mean, it's not like anyone in their right mind wouldn't enjoy a 20,000 word My Little Pony fanfiction where a character nobody ever heard of or cares about beats up a canon character from the show and sends her into another dimension for no better reason than that the author hates her, right? So obviously you can just ignore all criticism because all your critics are just Glimmerniggers; I mean what else could possibly be going on?
Look, past efforts to convince you of these points have proven fruitless and I have no reason to believe that this time will be any different. But it nonetheless bears repeating:NOBODY GIVES A SHIT THAT YOU HATE STARLIGHT GLIMMER.
Bottom line, you can hate on Glimmyglam all you want, that doesn't mean that mere hatred of her is a good or even passable theme for a story. If you ever bother to improve as a writer and somehow, one day, become capable of approaching the subject with enough subtlety to be convincing, you could probably write Glimmer stories that depict her as buffoonish or unlikeable, or make a proper villain out of her. I could probably teach you how to do it. However, you are going to have to prove that you can handle basics before I will feel comfortable enrolling you in the advanced course.
Okay, on to the last message:>Communism is bad
Do you remember last time, when I asked you to guess which of your three messages was the only good one worth developing? Well, pencils down. Here's the answer. Are you ready? This is the one.
Did you guess correctly? If so, here is your prize: Pic related: it's Glimglam
While your story is objectively awful for a number of reasons, this message is a good message and is worth keeping if you decide to do a rewrite (protip: your only other option besides a complete and total rewrite is to kill this story with fire and never speak of it again). I am going to avoid delving into the actual politics here, not because I'm not interested or I don't care, but because it's a separate conversation and I suspect we would mostly agree, and because I want to focus on writing fiction, not political ideology. So, when I say you should keep this because it's a good message, I mean that it is a good, solid message to write a story around. It's something you believe in, that has value to people besides you, and is worth communicating. Now, that said, the way you chose to communicate it is fucking awful, and we will go into that in a bit. But the message itself is good and you should keep it.
The other two messages though? Not at all. These are things that only you care about. People don't want to read about how overpowered your OC is or how much you hate Glimmer. Including these messages in your story just clog up the works and make the reader stop giving a shit. You actually do everything so badly here that you end up conveying the opposite message about Communism and Glimmer, but we'll go into that later. What I want you to take away from this for now is that your OC sucks and, once again:NOBODY GIVES A SHIT THAT YOU HATE STARLIGHT GLIMMER.
>>4162>I am going to avoid delving into the actual politics here, not because I'm not interested or I don't care, but because it's a separate conversation and I suspect we would mostly agree, and because I want to focus on writing fiction, not political ideology.
I was hoping you'd go into detail on this Q_Q oh well. I already know there are better political fics out there, especially original works like Animal Farm. Still would have been nice to hear your perspective.
Almost every pony in the show a coot.
Shim is no exception but that ain't too high a bar to set.
I might yet go into it later, I will see how I feel once I start delving back into the actual text. TBH I skipped most of the argument scene because I found it almost impossible to slog through, so I'm not entirely sure what specific points he made. For now I just want to talk about the craft of writing and how Nigel knows nothing about it. I might have to pick this up again tomorrow, but I should be able to get a little more done before I turn in.
Either way this is as entertaining as listening to E;R tear Steven Jewniverse a new one. Take your time, I await with bated breath. For the next couple days I don't really have anything to do, and my desktop is out of commission, so my days are going to be spent refreshing this page and reading Warhammer 40K: Horus Rises.
>>4168>…this is as entertaining as listening to E;R tear Steven Jewniverse a new one.
Goddamn, I love that video. I wish he'd do more.
Bro he just released part 1 of a mini-series on the netflix death note adaptation. Shit's pretty high quality, delves into his infamously autistic detail talking about music, characterization and Da Rules of the note.
Literally just watched that, too. Can't wait for the next part.
It made my dick rock-hard to know that he made a bitchute and Gab that he now publishes his videos with. What a guy. /ourguy/ even.Now that pleasantries are over, back to work, slave! ….<3
>>4162>>4111>>41203c. Seriously, You Have NO FUCKING IDEA Why You're Even Doing This - Summation
This has been a long section, but it's an important one. Thoroughly understanding what you want to write and why you want to write it is probably the most important part of writing anything. Even someone with horrible grammar and spelling and a tin ear for language can write a quality story if they tell it with passion and conviction. Your story, however, proves that this concept does not work in reverse; no matter how well you can technically write, if you just blather for 20,000 words about shit your autism compels you to blather about, throw in some random explosions and battles because your autism tells you it's cool, and try to work in some disconnected political blathering in the most autistic way possible, the end result will be a steaming bowl of rancid diarrhea made out of the gallons of cum your OC chugs on a daily basis and fragments of 50 Shades of Grey, a novel literally 50 shades superior to anything you have ever written in your life and probably the worst thing I ever read before I picked up your fanfiction.
Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, how to write like someone who isn't terrible at it. Basically, the problem with your story from a bird's eye view is that it is a convoluted mess of conflicting ideas with no real narrative structure that can't decide on a central theme. Silver "fuck my throat until the choker breaks, then put it back on and fuck me again" Star is the protagonist, but he is written in a way that makes the reader hate him worse than the villain (I know you probably still don't get that he's unlikable yet, but bear with me). His backstory and laundry-list of special abilities dominate most of the dialog, until he runs into Glimmer. Then, the whole thing is nothing but him lecturing her about why her ideology is wrong and she's how she's the evilest pony who ever eviled evil. Then, they fight a little and he sends her into an alternate dimension. Your MC's method of defeating her focuses again on a lot of the magic and world mechanics you devised, which I don't doubt are very interesting to you and maybe would be somewhat interesting to someone as autistic as you, but you spend way too much time explaining how everything in your world works and it detracts from what (I presume) you are trying to say, which is basically that Communism is Bad. Remember: show, don't tell.
Anyway, your clumsy storytelling and insistence on overstating points beyond the level of ridiculousness utterly negates your ability to describe scenes and action decently. After untangling this bloated mess of words, one can reasonably assume that what you are trying to do here is convince the reader of the evils of Communism, embodied here in the character of Starlight Glimmer. Your hero, Silver "can you please get this bowling pin out of my ass doctor I have to poop, put it back in when I'm done though please" Star defeats her, both literally and ideologically, and presumably saves the day for Not Communism. The problem with it though is your execution. Your OC is completely unlikable, and you shit on Glimmer so much that you actually end up making the reader feel sympathetic to her. I don't even like Glimmer and I found myself getting angry at your over the top bashing of her. I now want to go back and rewatch her episodes just to see if I view her differently now. That and writing this autistic criticism is literally all your work has inspired me to do. From a psych perspective, if you're trying to convince someone of something by embodying the negative ideology in a fictional character, then metaphorically defeating her, you need to make sure the person reading it is rooting for the right character. Your problem is you let your personal emotions get too involved in the story. You get so carried away ranting about muh commies and muh Glimglam that you end up repelling the reader from your point of view.
This is ironically the same mistake that leftists are currently making with a lot of their media and behavior. For example that comedian, I forget her name, the one who did the WH correspondents' dinner and got panned, recently had her Netflix show canceled because no one was watching. She did a sketch where she had a marching band doing a "salute to abortion" and all kinds of horrendous unfunny stuff. She got so carried away with her messaging that it never occurred to her that people watching might find her obnoxious, and start to subconsciously move to the other side of the argument just to spite her. Your fanfic does the same thing. Get that through your head. YOU ARE LITERALLY HURTING THE RIGHT MORE THAN THE LEFT WITH THIS STORY BECAUSE OF HOW BADLY YOU WROTE IT. The only redemption is that no one is going to read it because it sucks so badly most people would get cancer from the first paragraph. For those who do manage to read the whole thing, this is a reverse redpill, and it's all because of how you portray your characters.
I'm a little off topic here, I wanted to delve into the political angle later, but this still ties in to thinking about the message and who your audience is before writing. You need to learn how to filter out things that are interesting to you but would not be interesting to anyone who is not you. You need to learn how to make your characters interact with each other. You need to do a lot of fucking things and I only have like 400 chars left. You need to stop being such a fucking sperg. Barbie Glimmer this time because why not.Also, Shimmer a cute
Murdoch uses humor and ironic exaggeration well which is why his stories are both funny and carry a good message. Irony is frankly a topic that is too complex for Nigel and would take forever to explain, he might not even be physically capable of understanding it due to literal autism. However, if you want to write anything humorous or any sort of parody (either a direct parody of a single work, or a parody of an abstract concept the way Murdoch parodies the modern NatSoc movement) it's something you have to learn and master. Like I said Murdoch parodies NatSoc anons perfectly while still arguing on their behalf; that requires you to have both a sense of humor about yourself and your own beliefs, as well as the ability to look at them from an outsider's perspective and guess what things they might criticize about them, then make fun of them before they have a chance to. All things that neither the left nor Nigel are capable of mastering at present.
Also, that comic is very well written. It's a wonderful short story about a pony who wanted to try something out of character to spice things up in the bedroom with Anon, but got so carried away with psyching herself up for it that she forgot the central component, the choker she intended to wear that completed the fetish (or whatever you want to call it). She ends up slipping back into character, which for her is shyness and embarrassment, and ends up being comforted by Anon. Presumably later they still fuck, but you don't even need to see that part. It's both arousing and cute, and endears the reader to Flutters in a way that straight up porn wouldn't.
Nigel, read that comic, it's a good lesson. You should be focusing on telling short, simple stories anyway, it's better exercise than trying to write epics when you don't know what the fuck you're doing. This kind of thing is perfect for teaching the emotional interactions that I was talking about earlier, and you can even fap to it if you want.
Anyway I was going to write another section but it's 4 am and I need to reread some more of Nigel's dreck for the next part which I just don't have the energy to do right now. I will go to sleep now, wake up tomorrow, collect whatever (You)s that have accrued, and resume my work in the morning.
One more Glimglam before I go to sleep though. Goodnight, folks.
Plz put in /go/…
I would ask how Nigel would ever recover, but I realize dead people can't recover.
Im waiting for him to claim everyones a glimmernigger, say hes not bothered and continue his self praise
>>4175>That wonderful summary of my half-meme half-related pic
You're too good to me, anon. If you live in California I want to buy you breakfast and tea for your time here.>>4179
Punished Glimmernigel when? Bahahaha
Maybe after you finish I might go read the fic myself and make a hot-take comparison for stories or parodies. Discussing how overpowered characters can be lovable, especially.
For instance Guts' absolute autismo with Casca, emotional disconnection and difficult upbringing full of loss and near-death experiences cements him as someone who is both pitiable and admirable, and because he's so absurdly strong as to wield a greatsword twice his weight with one fucking hand you can guarantee he'll still live - but the dramatic tension is still there because every major fight scars him, leaves him in grave danger, breaks bones and brings him to a state of…well, Berserk-mode. I mean his armor later on literally forces broken bones into normal shape, even if it shreds his skin and harms his body even further. He's so absolutely, assfuckingly absurd in his destructive behavior that you can't look away. His autismo is a big part of his development and becoming a better man and even knight - when he joins the White Hawks he is a selfish and angry person only driven by instinct and self interests, but as he gets to know Griffith he gains a purpose that strengthens his resolve, he learns about finding a purpose in a world so brutal, and he learns that while pure strength is powerful, teamwork can fell many dastardly foes. When Griffith betrays the hawks, kills every remaining man, rapes Casca and brands both her and Guts with a sacrificial mark that attracts demons, all in the name of regaining control over his life after a year of being stripped of his reputation and independence
, Guts regresses into his lone-wolf personality, leaves a traumatized and mute Casca for a small family to take care of her, and starts seeking out his revenge on Griffith. But that revenge is a strange kind of hatelove; Guts admires his power and dedication, and while he can't see why Griffith would do what he did (I mean he saw Casca raped while his arm was torn in half
), he understands that the two of them are still friends with competing dreams, they're mutually willing to fight each other to attain.
See, that's some amazing writing for an overpowered character. Blows most fiction out of the water, of most mediums. It's got its messages about organized religion, petty revenge, friendship, motivation, and PTSD, and it goes about telling them in a way that is never condescending, or annoying, or direct. Guts isn't an arbiter of truth - he's a wise man but not very intelligent,and while his author shares some views with him, for the most part he's an independent character with his own beliefs that can be wrong or exaggerated without harming the ego of his writer.
Fuck man now I wanna start reading it again. I stopped around issue 110, rip.
I'm up for unironically turning every Glimmernigel thread in future into a writing advice/review thread.
I doubt there will be much more of them from this point onwards. If Nigel does not outright leave MLPOL after ousting himself (which he pretty much already did), he will never post about fiction here again. He*s trapped in a devils cycle of rejecting criticism and being entrenched in his overarching glimmernigger conspiracy. I guess he will just leave for another community, maybe erect a hugbox on fimfiction. I also heard a rumor that he's a drug addict on top of all this narc autism, so dont expect any rational reaction from him.
In any case, i suggest you and the other writers take what this thread offered and transplant it into a dedicated writing thread.
Yeah, we might not see the poor assblasted bastard for another six months. But still if we see Glimmernigel rear his head again, I'm hype to raid the thread with general writing advice and examples of better work.
>>4173>>4111>>41203C. Seriously, You Have NO FUCKING IDEA Why You're Even Doing This - seriously the final
Good morning everyone. And a good morning to you, Nigel, if you're still here.
In just a moment I am going to tear myself away from this beautiful August day and plunge back into what soldiers during the Vietnam War darkly referred to as "The Shit," which in this case means holding my nose and delving back into the actual text of your story, but I just have a few final thoughts on last night's subject.
As I said before, writing is a form of communication. If you are going to write anything at all, you need to understand what it is you want to communicate and who you would like to communicate it to. With fanfiction, you really need to stop and give extra special consideration to this question, before beginning any project. Why am I writing this? It sounds like a simple question to answer, but it really is very complex.
Individuals like you, Nigel, tend to write fanfiction for the stupidest and most autistic reasons, which, unsurprisingly to literally everyone but you, usually result in stories that are god-awful and have no serious value at all, that unless they are exceptionally well written are usually dismissed or ridiculed by audiences. Usually these individuals select premises from the source material revolving around some completely superficial imagining of the world or its characters that relflects no deeper understanding of that world or characters, or any of the themes and ideas present in the original work. These are the same kind of people who sit around arguing over whether an Imperial starship from Star Wars could beat The Enterprise from Star Trek in a gun battle, or who would win in a fight between Goku and Inuyasha, shit like that. Individuals like this also tend to be the ones behind the self-gratifying cringey romance stories that usually just serve as an embodiment of the author's fantasies, with an appropriately bad OC that is just a stand-in for the author himself (protip: read back over what I wrote about your "date" scene between Twily and Silver "can you get AIDS from French kissing a male camel's butthole? asking for a friend) Star if you would like an example of the latter kind of story).
This isn't to say that these kinds of stories can't be fun or that you shouldn't write them, it's just crucial to understand what you're writing, who you're writing it for, and why you're writing it. If you just really want to get your dorky fantasies on paper and don't care if it has literary value or not, then God bless you, there's nothing wrong with that. In that case, basically, the audience is you, and you're writing it purely because you want to. You don't need to worry about impressing anyone else in that case. I do plenty of this myself, I'm sure we all do. It can even be good exercise.
Stories that are just pure action and not intended to be deep aren't necessary off limits either. A story about Darth Vader's fleet vs. a Federation fleet could be exciting and fun if told correctly, and you wouldn't necessarily have to know anything except the technical capabilities of those universes' respective technologies and how their commanders behave in battle. However, if you tried to sneak a serious message or emotional subplot armed only with that knowledge your story would probably veer off into cringe town and OP would be eternally branded a faggot.
Writing porn is a virtually identical to writing all-action stories, in that you only need to be able to superficially describe what's happening to do it effectively. You could write or draw pony porn without having ever seen a single episode of Pony; however, if you want the content to resonate emotionally, you have to understand the characters. Don't attempt this if you haven't given serious thought to who these ponies are and why they're doing what they're doing. If you just try to compensate for your lack of understanding by layering on sappy dialog, you'll fail and be mocked. If you just project your own fantasies onto characters you don't understand, you'll fail and be mocked.
If you want to learn characterization, writing greentext from a prompt is a good way to practice. You start out with a simple premise and are not bogged down by trying to write anything of any great length or complexity. "Rarity and Rainbow Dash are lost in the woods, Rainbow's wing is broken." Okay, why are they there? How did they get lost? How did Rainbow break her wing? Technical questions about what's happening and why. Then go deeper. Who are these ponies? How do each of them react to this situation? Do they work together well or do they get on each others' nerves? Go back and rewatch the show, entire episodes have been built around these premises.
Once you understand how to do shit like this, you can start creating larger stories with more characters and more complex premises. But above all, you need to give thought to the following no matter what you want to write or how big or small the project is: what am I writing? Why am I writing it? Who is it for? Learn to answer those questions correctly and OP will never be a faggot again.
Bahaha, I'm eating Golden Corral buffet fare while reading. Morning to you too, mister windowless-bedroom. I still like you though, don't worry uwu
Also wew lad, I've never gotten such an extensive crash course on such a specific field of pre-writing and planning.
>>4187>>4111>>41204. Burglary isn't Romantic, plus One (1) Thing You Did Well
Alright, back to the rancid meat of your text. Before we get too deep into the argument/fight between Starlight Glimmer and Silver "grab me by my flanks and launch me into orbit, Rocket Man" Star, I just want to say a few words about the short interlude between the date scene and the party.
There is a short, somewhat confusing, segment broken by dividers in which Silver "fist me Daddy" Star and his Silver "there's ten of us now so let's make an equine centipede" Spares apparently show up at Twilight's crystal castle, summon Spike out of the house and take him off somewhere, presumably for some kind of butt stuff, and then proceed to ransack the castle for unknown reasons. This section, and its subsequent follow-up at the end of the story, are a prime example of you having, on some level, some innate instinct for how to build a scene and pique reader curiosity, but your autism keeps getting in the way of your understanding what's a good idea and what isn't.
Basically, as I mentioned, the setup here is that the clones all show up and ransack Twilight's house for reasons that are not explained, leaving the reader to wonder why. You then ask them to set that curiosity aside for, sweet Pony Jesus, 24,535 words, before you get back to it.
Okay, hold on, stop the presses for a moment. I'll get back to this in a second, but holy shitcock. I have been operating thus far on the assumption that the length of your entire text is, give or take, 20k words long. This is based on >>4046
where your screencap shows a total document length of 19,129 words; I hadn't bothered to do a word count of my own. In the OP post you claim a length of over 100k words, but you seem to have confused word count with character count so I ignored that boast. However, I need to look deeper into this, hold the fuck on for a second.
The complete word count of this story is 32,223. Let's all take a moment and let that sink in.
32,223 words, 24,535 of which consist of a single scene. The argument scene between Glimglam and Silver "yummy cummy in my tummy" Star accounts for about 76% of this incredibly bloated text. For a point of reference, The Great Gatsby
by F. Scott Fitzgerald clocks in at 48,413 words. Do the math. Your autistic pony story, which can be summarized in its entirety as "MC goes on date, talks about himself, robs girlfriend's house, shim shams the Glim Glam spoiler alert: you can't shim sham the Glim Glam
, the end", is approximately 67% the length of one of the most highly regarded novels ever written in the English language. 24,535 words into TGG takes us to roughly the part where Gatsby is showing Daisy his house. In the length of time it takes you to lay out one scene, F. Scott Fitzgerald lays out his exposition, introduces all major characters along with their conflicts and backstories, and is chugging along at a fair clip through the rising action portion of his narrative. That is literally insane.
Anyway, back to what I was on about. After the bloated fight scene, if anyone is still reading and still remembers what happened earlier (protip: this is literally no one), you then provide the payoff for the earlier scene in which poor Twilight, as if her cad boyfriend didn't treat her badly enough to begin with, gets her house robbed by Mr. Smith style copies of him.
The cliffhanger payoff, for anyone who cares (protip: this is literally no one), is that it turns out Silver "if this van's a rockin it's what I'm suckin cock in" Star wasn't robbing the place, he was actually remodeling her house and installing a hot tub. I'm sure that in the dark, twisted maze of your creepy little autistic brain, this probably seems like some kind of sweet romantic gesture. Well, I'm going to give you a piece of advice that may one day save your life, in the event that (God save us all) you ever end up with an actual, human girlfriend: it isn't
. Breaking into a woman's house in order to install major features that will affect home value, mess with plumbing and rearrange her furniture isn't romantic or sweet. It's insane. She will call the police.
In any case, I don't doubt that Silver's motivations here, like the rest of his (and your) motivations in this story, are completely self-serving. If I had to predict where you were planning to go next with this, I'd say you were going to have poor little Twiggles become even more smitten with her dashing faggot of a boyfriend, and no doubt reward him for his kind, sweet behavior with a romantic hot tub scene. Weren't you, you perv? This scene would no doubt also last the length of another great American novel, and would probably also be filled with lengthy novellas about Silver's time travel abilities dumped into quotes.
Oh yeah, there was one other thing. In the interlude space between the date and The Shit, in a rare moment of actual thoughtfulness, Silver "just stick it in, the cum from the last guy is lube enough" Star asks Pinkie Pie to throw Twilight a party, and she uses her typical cartoon logic to accomplish this. Silver is then left trying to analyze how she did it. This is actually pretty clever. Trying to analyze cartoon physics from the perspective of actual physics is always fun and can make for some good gags. This is good, I would keep this. Just don't get carried away.
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>>4189>Breaking into a woman's house in order to install major features that will affect home value, mess with plumbing and rearrange her furniture isn't romantic or sweet. It's insane. She will call the police
There is only one fictional character I can recall who's that creepy without it being ironic or a horror story.
>>4189>>4111>>41205. Jesus Christ Please Save Me From This Autism
I was almost starting to feel sorry for you and was thinking about easing up for a bit, so I went back and reread some of your posts in this thread. Now I'm better. I will now resume mercilessly raping your anus, so that you and your shit OC can finally have something in common beyond an overinflated sense of self-importance.
Also, the more I dig into this story the more in awe I am of just how deep this rabbit hole actually goes. I had come into this assuming that this story was a self-contained work. A greater part of a longer narrative, perhaps, but still a standalone work. But no, this story is just Chapter 6 of an even greater, longer, ongoing story. 32k words for one chapter, and there's five other chapters before this one. The more I unravel this, the more fascinated I get. You are like the Black Dahlia of autism cases. It's almost unsettling to think of how long this work probably is already and how long it will eventually be if you keep writing it. It's like sitting in a dark room and giving serious thought to just how large the gaseous planet Jupiter actually is, and then imagining yourself falling it and being consumed. I'm unironically disturbed here.
Okay, so here comes the big one. The people will now hear the case of Starlight Glimmer v. Silver "fist my asshole and use me as a boxing glove to fight Antifa, it's literally all I'm good for" Star.
>Silver’s eyes locked on to the pinkish mare with a purple mane with pale greenish highlights and a Cutie Mark of a falling star. He recognized her. He doubted there was a pony alive who wouldn’t.>Silver began to rush forwards and his horn lit up as he leapt, and he teleported. He reappeared in the air just behind Starlight, his forehooves grabbing the back of her head and pulling it down as his horn’s magic destabilized her front legs by pushing them apart, slamming her face into the crystal ground as he landed beside her. He turned and glared at the screaming mare while his horn blazed with blue magic, a flick of his horn’s power tossing the mare up and flipping her over twice in the air before letting her fall on her back, the angle and point of rotation calculated to rotate her head and inner ear as much as possible for the effort the move expended.
So, right off the bat, we have Silver "are people still laughing at these?" Star walking into a party he had Pinkie throw for Twilight. As usual, Twilight is completely ignored in the narration; she may not even be attending the party that was thrown in her honor. I'll keep an eye out for her as I read this though. It can be like Where's Waldo
, which incidentally is one of any number of books I would much rather be reading than this dreck. Anyway, without even a "Hey, how you doing, want to talk about how great I am?" to his poor, inexplicably faithful waifu, Nigel's insufferable OC immediately zeros in on Starlight and attacks her.
The basis for this is apparently supposed to be that Silver "I'm so Reddit I drew a Pickle Rick face on my dick to surprise my dad" Star sees Glimmy at the party, recognizes her as the infamous dictator who ruined the lives of so many ponies and blah blah blah she's evil, and his super-sweet ninja instincts kick in and he immediately does a super-sweet ninja move to pin her to the ground. Already we've got a number of issues.
For one thing, assuming this world follows the same basic trajectory of the series, we can assume from the fact Glimmy is at this party and the way other ponies react to Silver's actions that we are probably at a point in time shortly following her redemption story. So, season 6 somewhere I think? Let's go with that for now, if we can nail it down as we delve deeper we'll adjust. At this point in the series, Glimmer is not just a regular fixture around Ponyville, she literally fucking lives in Twilight's house.
The same one which, incidentally, Silver "I'm not gay I just suck a lot of zebra dick" Star's minion-clones are currently tearing the plumbing out of. Apparently though, this is the first time Silver has noticed her. Given the amount of attention this character typically pays to his girlfriend, or really anypony that isn't licking his balls and telling him how awesome he is at any given moment, it's actually unsurprising that he hasn't noticed a particular pony around town before. However, considering the author's, and by extension his terrible OC's, raging hate-boner for this particular pony, it's a little surprising he didn't notice his arch-nemesis living in his girlfriend's fucking house. But I digress.
The other issue here is that he describes her as some kind of universally reviled dictator, known far and wide across Equestria.
>He recognized her. He doubted there was a pony alive who wouldn’t.
His exact words. It's been a while since I've watched the later seasons of the show so I might be remembering it incorrectly, but I don't remember Glimmer ever being anything on the level of a famous dictator. She basically enslaved one town of ponies and that was it. The Mane 6 would know her of course, the townsponies she enslaved likely don't have a high opinion of her at this point, and I imagine her reputation has spread somewhat around Ponyville. That seems like that would be about the extent of her infamy though. Really, attributing this much infamy to her seems less like something that would really happen in-world and more like another distortion of reality brought on by Nigel's raging hate-boner.
Aaaaaaaand I have to go to work again. I will pick this up in a few hours.
>>4191>Silver "are people still laughing at these?" Star
Yes, yes I am. But if you're running out of jokes, I don't blame you for stopping. There's only so many ways you can call him a faggot while intimately detailing every way in which he is a faggot, hah.
>upheaves a party like Tommy Wiseau because his archnemesis suddenly seems to have shown up in the town in which she lives, when he should have met her earlier and likely had this exact encounter months prior
Jesus christ, I knew this fic would be autistic but that's beyond the pale of peak autism. We really will need a new spectrum for this level of 'tismus.
Anyway, you go tend to your real life, still avidly enjoying this takedown and await with bated breath still. It's surprisingly calming to listen to the music playlist thread while reading all this.
Godspeed Anon, we eagerly await your return.
Maybe Nigel can expend a couple brain cells to write a coherent reply to your criticisms while you're gone.
>>4193>implying more than two brain cells to spare
>>4191>>4192>Yes, yes I am. But if you're running out of jokes, I don't blame you for stopping. There's only so many ways you can call him a faggot while intimately detailing every way in which he is a faggot, hah.
Same here. I haven't replied much because I want to see the full extent of this literary breakdown.
I'm going to dispense with the bold-face headings for a bit since the last section was titled Jesus Christ Please Save Me From This Autism and I think that is going to be an appropriate title for a while yet. Just assume that that is the section we are on until I tell you otherwise.
Okay, so. At this point in the story, Silver has Glimmyglam pinned down on the floor. An interesting detail that I didn't notice before is you specifically mention him slamming her face into the "crystal" ground. If I'm following the increasingly convoluted sequence of events correctly, what happened is, Silver "genie of the weenie" Star asked Ponk to pull a party out of her ass in Applejack's barn for Twilight, summoning everypony except Twilight to the party (whether or not Applejack was ever consulted about the use of her barn is never mentioned but whatever, that hardly matters at this point). The purpose of said party was to distract Twilight to keep her out of the house while clones of Silver rob her of all her worldly possessions so they can install a new hot tub (a detail that isn't explained until later, all we know presently is that Silver's doppelgangers are ransacking her house). Whether or not Twilight is actually attending the party is still unclear. Silver sees Glimmer at the party eating cake and minding her own business and decides to randomly attack her because that's what any reasonable pony would do, causing the party to stop with a literal record scratch.
So, if I'm following this correctly, this scene should be taking place at Applejack's barn, right? So why is the floor crystal? Why mention that detail? Why would AJ's barn have a crystal floor? I mention this because the only place in Ponyville I can think of off the top of my head with a crystal floor would be Twilight's castle. Are they supposed to be in Twilight's castle now? The very castle that is being ransacked by the clones, that Twilight, for whom this party was thrown, was supposed to be kept away from? Because the way it looks to me is there are only two possibilities: either the party has inexplicably moved to Twilight's castle, or the eternally practical AJ had a crystal floor installed in her barn for some unexplained reason. Neither scenario makes sense. Explain yourself.
Anyway, next Rainbow Dash, so far the first character you've introduced who does anything sensible, becomes angry at Silver "hot cross my buns" Star for randomly attacking one of her friends and charges him full-speed. Naturally, one of Silver's thousands of powers is to somehow become a rigid body incapable of being moved regardless of force, described "as if he were made of titanium" in the text, so of course Rainbow crashes into him and falls to the floor without doing any damage or even moving him slightly. Considering Rainbow's famous speed and strength, it seems like the effect here would be similar to crashing a car into a retaining wall; I find it hard to believe that Rainbow wouldn't have sustained some sort of serious injury. However, I'm just going to chalk this one up to cartoon physics and move on.
Naturally, another of Silver "Squeeze me I'm full of custard" Star's thousands of powers is to perform some kind of Vulcan mind-meld with a ghost version of himself that springs from his horn and allows him to read the minds of other ponies. Oh, also this:
>Meanwhile, his spell was just one of many ways he could read her. Light blue numbers and lines appeared in his sight and he saw her heart rate, the size of her pupils, her pulse, her brain activity, and if she even twitched a little, anywhere on the body, a subconscious muscle contraction that would tell him she would be about to move or lie, he would know.
So I guess he also has cyborg eyes or something. Naturally. So, anyway, he reads the thoughts of Rainbow Dash and notices that her mind is answering questions differently than she answers them verbally, or some other kind of crazy shit like that. Hm, sounds like the game is ahoof, Dr. Watson. How is our super-sleuth going to get to the bottom of this mystery?
This is my favorite part. Starlight Glimmer, apparently deciding that the line of questioning is delving too deep into her past, volunteers her entire backstory as a justification for her actions. Silver listens to her, and is surprised to discover that he can't get angry enough at Starlight Glimmer and finds himself wondering why.
I have to say, that is a twist worthy of M. Night Shyamalan. Of all the developments in this story I would have expected, your OC, who is endowed with every superpower in this or any other universe, being unable to be as angry as he would like at Glimmer is not on the list. Could this be his kryptonite?
No, it isn't. Turns out that actually, Glimmer is some kind of anomalous being, a creature with the ability to warp reality around her and force ponies to like her, and apparently she does it without realizing it. Nopony is supposed to actually like her, they just like her because they are forced to. Her entire redemption is explained away with this flimsy device, thus setting the stage for Glimmy to be justifiably beaten to a pulp by the ever righteous Silver "I swallow if I'm thirsty" Star. Before we get to that though there's a paragraph that frankly deserves an entire post dedicated to it.
Oh, also: it looks like you do specifically mention Twilight "proudly" watching SS and SG make up (though she doesn't intervene in the fight), and the barn is again mentioned, reinforcing it as the location for the scene. So, looks like Twilight is at the party, and AJ's barn has a crystal floor. Whew, glad we cleared that up or I wouldn't have been able to sleep tonight.
Alright. This next post is going to delve specifically into one of your trademark dense, unnecessarily verbose paragraphs that I think deserves to be pulled apart piece by piece, as it may just provide us some valuable insight into your twisted psyche. First, I'm going to post the entire paragraph in its entirety for the benefit of everyone else in the thread, because just summarizing it really doesn't convey the proper effect, you really have to read it for yourself. Then, we'll get down to brass tacks and start picking it apart.
>His horn lighting up in blazing blue, he started to work on fine-tuning a spell to deal with what he saw, and he talked while he worked. “She’s one of those strange anomalous life forms, with the ability to unconsciously warp reality around them. Almost as if reality itself is favouring her. She’ll be able to do the impossible, not because she does it with more skill or determination than anyone else, or in some new and unexpected way, but instead, because it’s her, and the impossible doesn’t want to say no to her and hurt her feelings. No one being will be allowed to get mad at her, and nopony that gets mad will be allowed to stay mad at her, unless he or she is the bad guy in this character’s ‘Story’, either temporarily or permanently. Her backstory will make little to no sense, as if she just popped out of the blue one morning and made something up on the spot when questioned. It’s like reality is a game of Walls and Warlords, and the Dungeon Master made her own character, and gave her the coolest – and most sympathetic – backstory she could think of, plus infinite stats in everything that matters to the writer. As if the writer is doing that thing where rather than establishing things about the character, or influencing the character and his or her goals and worldviews, the backstory exists to impress potential fans. Long-lasting relationships will dissolve and romantic partners will treat each other awfully or die, all for her benefit. Miraculously powerful items will violate whatever normal cycle of inheritance they would normally have and fall right into his or her lap. Impossible abilities, impossible improvement rates, all with no justification. It’s as if this anomalous entity emits some kind of mind-altering field that forces others to react how the anomaly wants. The universe loves her, and can’t give her an adventure that doesn’t paint her in the best light possible, even if it seems unnatural, even artificial. This being doesn’t follow the rules of her own universe, and problems will be generated around her with obvious solutions a child could think of. If she walked into the castle of Celestia herself, the Princess would suddenly become a petty foal with the emotional maturity of wet lettuce, so she could fix Celestia’s issues in under a few minutes. And if she wanted to conquer Equestria, she would only need to enter the country before Celestia herself was warped into an unrecognizable tyrant her loving citizens have suddenly always secretly loathed and longed for freedom from. It’s like the being itself is a lie, a lie others are forced to believe in, a lie that damages the universe the longer it is allowed to exist. And I’ve seen what happens to universes where beings like this are allowed to exist, running around and eroding away the fabric of the universe with each subtle act of warping reality. Many cultures across the multiverse have names for this concept, and I remember selling some gear to a group that hunted these beings for sport, and to maintain the stability of the multiverse. They called these beings Anomalies on paper, but they had some unpronounceable nickname for these beings, it was mare… Something, but my own name for this type of impossible breed of eldritch creature is… Outlier.”
>>4191>without a […] to his poor waifu, Nigel's OC zeroes in on Starlight and attacks her
I've often thought that Nigel secretly likes Glimmer and hates himself for it
>>4188>eating Golden Corral buffet fare
Anon what the fuck, you some obese rural retard nigger?
Nigel. Are you paying attention? You need to pay attention. The paragraph I greentexted (see quoted post) is probably one of the most important paragraphs you've ever written. In it is distilled the very quintessence of your autism; the fact that you wrote it completely without irony and fail to see any of the connections between what you wrote and the protagonist you created, is the key to explaining to you just why your story sucks so bad and everyone hates it. If you can truly comprehend what I am about to say, you may just be able to move on from this tragedy and redeem yourself.
>It’s like reality is a game of Walls and Warlords, and the Dungeon Master made her own character, and gave her the coolest – and most sympathetic – backstory she could think of, plus infinite stats in everything that matters to the writer. As if the writer is doing that thing where rather than establishing things about the character, or influencing the character and his or her goals and worldviews, the backstory exists to impress potential fans.
I want you to read this quotation carefully. Several times. There is something here that you need to see. Have you guessed what it is yet? No? I'm guessing everyone else saw it immediately. Read it a couple more times. Got it yet? No? Well, I'll spell it out for you then.
This is your character. Everything you wrote in this paragraph describes your OC, verbatim, spot on. Everything you claim to hate about Glimmer, every last horse-fucking word of it could be applied to your garbage-tier OC. In fact, the line quoted above could probably be called the thesis, the quintessence, the core, of your OC.
Coolest backstory the creator could think of? Check (well, to be fair, it also says 'sympathetic', which doesn't really describe your OC, but since you clearly intended for him to be sympathetic but failed miserably at it due to your inability to interpret the emotional cues of others, I'm going to count it).
Infinite stats in everything that matters to the writer? Check.
>As if the writer is doing that thing where rather than establishing things about the character, or influencing the character and his or her goals and worldviews, the backstory exists to impress potential fans.
Check, check, double check, triple check. Check that shit one more time just to be safe. This is Silver "my gaping, ruined anus can literally be used to play skeeball" Star in a fucking nutshell.
>Miraculously powerful items will violate whatever normal cycle of inheritance they would normally have and fall right into his or her lap.>Impossible abilities, impossible improvement rates, all with no justification.
>The universe loves her, and can’t give her an adventure that doesn’t paint her in the best light possible, even if it seems unnatural, even artificial.
This is your approach to writing your own character in a nutshell. Knowing that you probably still don't see it, despite having it thrown right in your face…you can't possibly imagine how maddening that is for me. I'm seriously going to do my best to explain it to you here, because oh God, if you could just grasp this, you could understand so much…
>If she walked into the castle of Celestia herself, the Princess would suddenly become a petty foal with the emotional maturity of wet lettuce…
If your novel were printed, and I was asked to write annotations, this is almost the exact wording I would use to describe your OC's relationship with Twilight.
>It’s like the being itself is a lie, a lie others are forced to believe in, a lie that damages the universe the longer it is allowed to exist.
I would put that on the dustjacket. In huge, bold type. Right on the front, where anyone who was even thinking about buying this book would see it and realize what a horrible mistake they were about to make.
Do you see, Nigel? Have you figured it out yet, or do you still need it rammed through that dense fucking skull of yours at sonic-rainboom speed? Everything you claim to hate about Glimmer: her unearned powers, her unearned likeability, her unearned redemption, these are all things that could be said about your character. In fact, they apply to Silver "Down on the Docks is Where I Hunt for Cocks" Star much more than they apply to Glimmer.
I'm going to delve more into your hatred of Glimmer before we go any further, because there are a few things that are really bugging the crap out of me.
I…I felt like having a particularly cost effective meal to make up for missing breakfast and the previous dinner.
>>4198>His horn lighting up in blazing blue, he started to work on fine-tuning a spell to deal with what he saw, and he talked while he worked. “She’s one of those strange anomalous life forms, with the ability to unconsciously warp reality around them. Almost as if reality itself is favouring her. She’ll be able to do the impossible, not because she does it with more skill or determination than anyone else, or in some new and unexpected way, but instead, because it’s her, and the impossible doesn’t want to say no to her and hurt her feelings. No one being will be allowed to get mad at her, and nopony that gets mad will be allowed to stay mad at her, unless he or she is the bad guy in this character’s ‘Story’, either temporarily or permanently. Her backstory will make little to no sense, as if she just popped out of the blue one morning and made something up on the spot when questioned. It’s like reality is a game of Walls and Warlords, and the Dungeon Master made her own character, and gave her the coolest – and most sympathetic – backstory she could think of, plus infinite stats in everything that matters to the writer. As if the writer is doing that thing where rather than establishing things about the character, or influencing the character and his or her goals and worldviews, the backstory exists to impress potential fans. Long-lasting relationships will dissolve and romantic partners will treat each other awfully or die, all for her benefit. Miraculously powerful items will violate whatever normal cycle of inheritance they would normally have and fall right into his or her lap. Impossible abilities, impossible improvement rates, all with no justification. It’s as if this anomalous entity emits some kind of mind-altering field that forces others to react how the anomaly wants. The universe loves her, and can’t give her an adventure that doesn’t paint her in the best light possible, even if it seems unnatural, even artificial. This being doesn’t follow the rules of her own universe, and problems will be generated around her with obvious solutions a child could think of. If she walked into the castle of Celestia herself, the Princess would suddenly become a petty foal with the emotional maturity of wet lettuce, so she could fix Celestia’s issues in under a few minutes. And if she wanted to conquer Equestria, she would only need to enter the country before Celestia herself was warped into an unrecognizable tyrant her loving citizens have suddenly always secretly loathed and longed for freedom from. It’s like the being itself is a lie, a lie others are forced to believe in, a lie that damages the universe the longer it is allowed to exist. And I’ve seen what happens to universes where beings like this are allowed to exist, running around and eroding away the fabric of the universe with each subtle act of warping reality. Many cultures across the multiverse have names for this concept, and I remember selling some gear to a group that hunted these beings for sport, and to maintain the stability of the multiverse. They called these beings Anomalies on paper, but they had some unpronounceable nickname for these beings, it was mare… Something, but my own name for this type of impossible breed of eldritch creature is… Outlier.”
HE LITERALLY DESCRIBED HIS CHARACTER TO A T! INEXPLICABLY AND IMPOSSIBLY POWERFUL, LOVED BY EVERYONE, DATING THE LITERAL PRINCESS OF THIS REGION, WITH KNOWLEDGE SURPASSING CANON PRODIGIES OF MAGIC, AND INCAPABLE OF BEING WRONG MORALLY OR INTELLECTUALLY.
AND WHEN SOMEONE DISLIKES HIM, IT'S BECAUSE THEY ARE THE VILLAIN OF HIS STORY, A GOMMIE SJW AND ONLY EXIST TO BE FOILED BY THE GOOD GUY!
I'M NOT EVEN LAUGHING ANYMORE, I'M JUST SO OUTRAGEOUSLY MAD AT THIS EGO THAT I CAN NO LONGER COMMUNICATE IN LOWERCASE!
Deep breaths anon, we'll get through this
It's not going to be okay until I get my USB pre-loaded with Linux delivered so I can get my computer back and revel in the atmosphere of Borderlands again.
I need vidya therapy having read that absolute, mind-rending, madness-inciting, elder god of the ego that Silver Star calls a motherfucking paragraph.
I am absolutely speechless. What can I even say? There is not a drive large enough to store my distilled, pure reaction to it. Terabytes - no, googolbytes of gibberish and screams from an unnamed tongue. The Adeptus Administorum would find it and either think it was the ramblings of a Tzeench-worshipping heretic, or a heavily encrypted cypher using old technology harvested straight from the site of the webway in its infinite processing power.
Wait no I misnamed it, it's Administratum. I admit my only knowledge of WH40K comes from the TTS series and the emperor's podcasts.
Let's look at it analytically here. What are your gripes against Glimmer exactly? Let's go through them, based once more on the contents of your thesis paragraph.
>She’ll be able to do the impossible, not because she does it with more skill or determination than anyone else, or in some new and unexpected way, but instead, because it’s her, and the impossible doesn’t want to say no to her and hurt her feelings.
So you're saying…she's overpowered? She has unearned accomplishments? How is she overpowered? She's basically written as being at a magic level comparable to Twilight's. The only ability she has that might count as overpowered is her ability to steal others' abilities, which she stopped using once she learned her lesson. Contrast that with your OC, who has EVERY FUCKING POWER THERE IS, even ones that don't exist anywhere in the canon universe that you either made up or ripped off from anime just so your OC could have ALL THE ABILITIES.
What are Glimmer's unearned accomplishments? She became powerful at magic the same way Twilight did, through obsessive, rigoruous study. Even the evil things she did she learned how to do on her own, they weren't powers that were just bestowed upon her by the universe. Contrast that with your OC, who basically gains a new power every time you need him to do something in the story. He needs to be able to tell if a pony is lying about something? Well shit, he's got a magic mind reading ghost inside his horn and also fucking x-ray robot eyes! He needs to btfo somepony in a fight? No problem there, he's a world class ninja! Did I also mention that he's the world's handsomest millionaire? Because he is!
You know, while we're on the subject of unearned abilities here, just how did your character get this powerful anyway? I mean, think about it for a second. Age isn't really discussed in MLP, but most people generally age the Mane 6 at whatever the pony equivalent of late teens to early twenties would be. For the sake of convenience authors generally just use human years to describe their age, and most people seem to put them at around college age. How does someone who has only lived for about 20-25 years manage to become not just good, not just proficient, but the MASTER of multiple disciplines in that span of time?
Twilight is basically a magic prodigy, but she spends all of her time studying. She earned her ability. Ditto for Starlight as far as I'm concerned. Rainbow Dash is athletic and devotes all her time and energy to that, and that's how she became the best. Rarity spends all her time on her fashion designs and building her business. She earned what she has. AJ has her farm and her family, Ponk puts all her energy into social stuff and baking cookies I guess, Flutters has animals. Point I'm making is they all have their own special things that they put all their energy into mastering. How did your character manage to master hand to hand combat while also studying magic and science? How did he develop his interdimensional time travel ability? When did he get his goddamn robot eyes installed? You have no fucking idea, because you never thought about it. You just gave him those powers because you thought it would be cool for him to have them. Your character sucks.
The myth of the polymath is that he's the pinnacle of all achievement. The truth is, most polymaths don't end up accomplishing much more than a couple of significant works, because they never spend enough time developing any one skill to truly master it. DaVinci was a famous polymath, but the vast majority of his projects were never completed. Contrast him with someone like Raphael, who only painted, but has hundreds of works credited to him. He grew fairly wealthy from commissions too, whereas DaVinci had almost perpetual money troubles. That reminds me, just how did your character become wealthy, anyway? Seems like he wouldn't have much time to work or run a business if he was constantly practicing kung fu and studying complex magic.
Also:>Long-lasting relationships will dissolve and romantic partners will treat each other awfully or die, all for her benefit.
This one's been bugging me. Literally what are you even referring to here? Name a specific instance.
Anyway, I never liked Glimmer much, but my reasons are mostly just that I find her clumsily written and awkwardly inserted into the cast. Writing this analysis has made me realize she's actually not all that bad when you ignore problems the show itself has and examine her purely as a character. Congratulations, Nigel, you've made me unironically like Glimmer. That is your legacy. Through your actions, you convince people to believe the opposite of what you try to convince them to believe. You're like the Barack Obama of pony fiction.
Bottom line, Glimmy has her faults and nobody is saying you have to like her, but your hateboner for her is over the top and stupid, particularly since the reasons you give are pretty much bullshit. Her character is written basically to parallel Twilight's. They both were OCD bookworms who devoted all their time to studying. Glimmer just took a wrong turn, which could arguably be attributed to lack of guidance. After all, Twilight had Celestia teaching her. She also had Spike for companionship. Starlight basically had nobody, and just spent all of her time sitting by herself brooding over shit that made her angry, sort of like you. And, like you, she wound up reaching some misguided conclusions about the world and decided to do some terrible things; in her case enslaving a town of ponies, and in your case writing horrendous Pony fanfiction. The two of you really have more in common than you realize, the only difference is: Glimmer realized the error of her ways and eventually redeemed herself. Will you?
Okay, so, moving on. After this long and dense paragraph, which was incidentally spoken out loud by one of Silver "your scrotum is my lucky totem" Star's fucking clone guys to one of his other clone guys, one of the clone guys fires a lightning bolt which apparently strips away Glimmer's (ugh) "Eldritch" status. Now that they are no longer held under a spell, every pony in the barn can now see Glimmer for the horrible icky monster she truly is. Her "Eldritch" status, incidentally, becomes some kind of giant bubble and goes floating off somewhere for some fucking reason or another.
Now, and thank the heavens for this, Silver "I got an infection from that last beef injection" Star is free from the naggling constraint of being magically compelled to be nice, and can get as angry at Glimmer as he wants. Should we hope he uses this power wisely? No, thanks to your writing, Nigel, the concept of hope no longer exists for me.
Oh yeah, here's another little gem culled directly from the text:>She was a little surprised that he could just say a horrible Bad Word like that, but that made him a bad boy, which clearly excited her, and made him, in her eyes, somepony she wanted to impress.
Yes, anons in the gallery, you read that correctly. Even Glimmy, the pony that Nigel despises more than Satan himself, is hot for his OC in this story and wants to fuck him. His OC is just that cool. There is not a mare alive who can resist the throbbing beefy dong of Silver "I can't resist throbbing beefy dong either though" Star. Yet another fascinating glimpse into the cobwebbed corridors of Nigel's twisted little mind.
Anyway Nigel, we haven't even gotten to the politics yet and I'm already sick of this conversation between Glimmer and Silver. Ugh, I haven't even read half of this, either. The problem with this whole scene so far is that, in typical Nigel-esque fashion, the points you present are not so much examples of Starlight's actual evil derived from show canon as they are instances of your hateboner projecting itself onto the character. To put it simply, you are just making shit up. For one thing, your chronology is bizarre. You mention that Glimmer spent about 20 years studying the spell to extract cutie marks. You then describe how she took over this village and ran it for years and years, maybe decades, taking cutie marks of ponies and saving them until they grow old and die. The way you describe it, it sounds like multiple generations of ponies lived and died in this village under Glimmer's rule while she absorbed their magic and grew more powerful. How old is this pony supposed to be in your world? She doesn't look that old, is she supposed to be immortal like Celestia, or using the cutie marks to preserve her youth or something? You also mention her bullying ponies to commit suicide and stealing their marks that way. I have to be honest here, I don't remember any of that from the show. Seems like that's the kind of thing someone might have raised a flag about before it aired, idk maybe you've got the director's cut or something.
This is important because it goes back to what is probably my central theme here: that you have no idea why you're even writing this. It's your story so you can take creative liberties with the source material if you want, but it seems like it would work against you to do that here. As far as I can tell you're basically trying to convince the reader of two things in this scene: that Glimmer is an objectively evil pony and should not be liked, and that her ideology is morally abhorrent. If you're trying to convince people of the first point, it doesn't really serve your interests to embellish or invent things. The show canon exists for everyone, your headcanon exists only for you. If you want the reader to conclude that Glimmer is evil, you need to show that the canon Glimmer is evil. If you prove that your headcanon version of Glimmer is evil, what did you accomplish?
Every time I want to move forward and address the broader issues presented in this scene, I come across some little snippet of something that is just such a fine example of how absolutely insufferable you are as both a writer and a human being that I just have to stop what I'm doing and examine it.
In this section of text, Silver "I think Dan Harmon is actually a pretty great guy" Star is listening to Glimmer gleefully talk about how evil she is while going over her myriad crimes against ponykind. As usual, it contains glaring hypocrisies that once again reveal that you have absolutely no capacity for self awareness whatsoever.
Here is the list of Starlight Glimmer's crimes:>Theft, from innocents. The exploitation of innocents. Lying, for a bad cause. Creating a cult. Hypocrisy. Repeated and intentional malicious alteration of the timeline, creating who even knew how many bad alternate timelines full of ruined lives and likely-dead ponies who should have lived. The destruction of not just any Equestria, but HIS Equestria, more than ten times in a single day.
Okay, fair enough. She actually did all those things. Pretty good so far, right? But then you drop this one on us.
>And an insufferable, selfish, arrogant little ‘I am smarter than you, only I am right, only I know what is best for all, and any who seek to oppose me are wrong’ attitude. With a heaped tablespoon of ‘I am what I am and wanting me to change that is wrong’, with salt and ‘Tee hee hee I love being evil, it’s so fun to be bad’ to taste!
I'm honestly getting a headache just having to explain the same things to you over and over. What's more, everything I have to say about this has been said several times over by several other anons in this thread, and STILL YOU REFUSE TO LISTEN. Well, what the hell, let's have another go.
>an insufferable, selfish, arrogant little ‘I am smarter than you, only I am right, only I know what is best for all, and any who seek to oppose me are wrong’ attitude
this is literally your attitude.
>I am what I am and wanting me to change that is wrong
this sums up your response to every piece of criticism you've ever received.
>it’s so fun to be bad
As far as I can tell this is basically your attitude toward writing.
And, doubtless against the advice of your inner muse, who no doubt told you to give up and stop writing years ago so you tied her up and locked her in a closet in the deepest corner of your mind, right next to your humility, you continue:
>He wouldn’t mind the arrogance so much, if she had a reason to BE arrogant.
This is how literally everyone feels about you and your work.
>She wasn’t intelligent, she wasn’t cute, she wasn’t funny, and she wasn’t a pleasant pony to be around.
You, you, you, and you.
>The egotism of this spiteful little overgrown and mentally-underdeveloped foal made his skin crawl, and the pony part of his mind was screaming at him to give this animal enough Magical Friendship to make a small crater where she used to be.
Amen, brother. Wait, were you still talking about Glimmer?
>“You know, you’ve said a lot of interesting things to me, today,” Silver said, “And I’d love to write them down in a book some day, I’m sure it would be a great seller. It’d be a great book. Just… The best book, ever. I’ll write it a few days from now."
I would actually be curious to read Silver's book about his conversation with Glimmer. There is no possible way it could be any worse than the one I'm reading right now.
>With a detached curiousity, he wondered what would happen if somepony like him became ‘Too’ angry.
If the subject of the anger is Starlight Glimmer, both you and your faggot OC live every second of every day at maximum anger. It is not possible for you to become any angrier with this pony than you are already, at least I sincerely hope not. You trying to surpass your own hateboner is like trying to overtake an object traveling at the speed of light: physically impossible. Unless your OC has some kind of power that would
make it possible, of course.
Anyway, these unintentionally ironic passages are followed by more boring back-and-forth. Silver "put a saddle on me and ride me to the gay bar" Star continues to lob hypothetical situations at Starlight, who keeps coming up with hypothetical solutions that predictably fall short. Blah blah blah how do you heal the sick with no doctors, blah blah blah how do schools work, blah blah blah what if monsters show up, blah. Nobody cares. Who is this for? You have no idea. You are a massive cum gargling faggot. Please stop writing forever.
So, anyway, Glimmyglam and Silver "Starpunch" Star go back and forth for a while, and then Silver gives her a full indictment. There's no need to quote it here, since it's another huge block paragraph and it basically just sums up events from the show that anyone reading would probably know already. Mostly it focuses on the events of the Cutie Re-Mark episode, where Glimmer fucks with time and prevents Rainbow from doing her sonic rainboom over and over.
The point you seem to be making here is that Glimmer is personally responsible for what happens in all of these worlds; Tirek taking over, Nightmare Moon taking over, changelings taking over, all that shit. That's one way to interpret it I suppose, and to be fair I can see how you reach this conclusion. You're kind of missing the point of that episode, though. Each time something interferes with the Pegasus race and RD fails to perform the rainboom, the Mane 6 fail to become friends and the world ends somehow. This is basically how Twilight demonstrates to Glimmer how important friendship is. Glimmer then sees the error of her ways and repents. Friendship seems to be kind of a recurring theme in this show.
At this point you introduce what I'll admit is actually kind of an interesting interpretation of events. You put forth the idea that all these tragic realities are actually parallel universes, and even after everything returns to normal, these worlds continue to exist, and all the alternate versions of the ponies in those worlds live on. However, blinded by your autistic hateboner for Glimmer as usual, you pin the blame for this solely on her, and argue that she created these worlds through her actions.
I will preface this by saying that I am by no means an expert on quantum mechanics nor do I pretend to be. However, I feel like I understand the pop science of it well enough to take a crack at dissecting your logic. The idea is not that parallel worlds are created or destroyed based on the choices we make, the idea is that the multiverse is a huge webwork in which literally all possibilities exist simultaneously. There's a world where you brushed your teeth this morning and a world where you didn't. There's a world where your faggot OC, Silver "I can fit a whole pineapple in my rectum wanna see?" Star, sucked a dick this morning, and a universe where he sucked two dicks this morning.
The universes where the rainboom never happened exist one way or the other. In fact considering that there are probably any number of things that could have prevented that event from happening, there's probably thousands of similarly unfortunate universes, most of which Glimmer never even touched. Really, if you consider that the entire happy future of Equestria hinges on six ponies making friends with each other, donning the Elements of Harmony, and fighting all the monsters and whatever that threaten the world once or twice per season, and their entire friendship depends solely on one filly performing a difficult trick during a race at a precise moment in time, you really only have one very narrow window for things to go right and a thousand ways for things to go wrong. What about universes where Rainbow Dash's parents never meet? What about universes where Twilight gets distracted and doesn't look out the window?
Glimmer's actions here really don't affect the big picture much. In fact, by focusing the story on your completely petty and arbitrary hate for this one character, you blatantly missed an opportunity to focus on an idea that I guarantee you would resonate better with an audience than "reeee Glimmer is worst pony and I hate her stupid face": that there are probably millions of universes where Equestria dies a gruesome, horrible death, but only a handful where it doesn't. There may even only be one where the proper conditions are met to avoid all this tragedy, and it's the one these ponies live in. And it's a happy world, joyous even. Imagine how much more you would treasure your life and your friends if you learned something like that about your world. That's the lesson Twilight wanted to teach Glimmer and eventually managed to communicate. That's the kind of story you could have told. But you didn't. You chose instead to blather about Communism for 24,535 words and beat up a character you don't like. I feel sorry for the ponies who have to live in your universe.
Also, moving past theoretical physics and back into writing, this scene, like most parts of your story, is executed poorly. Characterization is not done well. After Silver "I'm a mare trapped in a stallion's body" Star concludes his speech, everypony in the room naturally agrees with him that Glimmer is worst pony, and Glimmer shows no remorse whatsoever. This is probably intentional, since the convoluted bit about her being an "eldritch" was basically just so you could erase Glimmer's redemption and make her evil again, then show her as evil to all other ponies and have them agree with you. Basically, you erase the canon, replace it with your headcanon, and have the crude little sockpuppets you made of the canon characters nod their heads to confirm that it is now true. Trust me when I say that literally no one gives a shit.
Lesson: don't force your headcanon on the audience, it's obnoxious.
Going to bed now, have to work later. Don't know when I will get back to this but get back to it I will.
I just woke up today to read all that and….holy fuck man. I ACTUALLY want to read a story involving quantum physics/timelines that were doomed and how the singular canon timeline is so fragile and rare from that perspective. That sounds like an emotional trip, a dive into what makes character/personality (environment vs nature), and a real great feels trip.
Honestly knowing now what Glimmernigel could have made, and knowing he doesn't even give that a few thousand words, fills me with a renewed sense of wasted potential.
>>4213>I ACTUALLY want to read a story involving quantum physics/timelines that were doomed and how the singular canon timeline is so fragile and rare from that perspective. That sounds like an emotional trip, a dive into what makes character/personality (environment vs nature), and a real great feels trip.
Yeah, that actually sounds right up my alley. Especially if you keep it as a relatively short one-off, at least to start.
Stop anon, this level of rape
is forbidden by the geneva conventionsI just realized you can't quote ID's here, that would be cool
>>4211>He wouldn’t mind the arrogance so much, if she had a reason to BE arrogant.
Excuse me but didn't he already list the 'accomplishments'? Dooming timelines, creating a cult, theft and exploitation, and 'decades' of stealing cutiemarks and ruling the village until they grew old and died? Even if you took away the noncanon bs, if starlight was aware of all of what she did and boasted about it instead of regretted it, that's still more than enough reasons to "be arrogant" and more accomplished as any villain in MLP save for Tirek's back story of enslaving the crystal ponies and causing negativity to spread throughout Equestria for generations. So Nigel can't even keep a consistent story within his own world without contradicting himself in his Silver "Self-insert? What's that? I dont care just insert it into me" Star over his hate-boner for Starlight.
I haven't read a single line of his story but I could already pick up on this in one thread I appreciate all your breakdowns and look forward to the end (but then kind of want it to never end)
I'm going to do something similar to what you've said except using the dragon fight(shown in the other thread >>166716 )
, but I think the barn scene was a better example.This actual part of the scene itself:And instead of the joke being a repetition of events! A chain loop! The joke becomes the repetition itself.
I shouldn't have to explain why that's fucking awful GlimmerNiggerNigelNigeria, write some variation, some diagonal animu slashes, literally anything and the joke will still be apparent, people will find the humour and react on their own.
The boringness and the simplification killed the joke (and more importantly the audience).What else is chronically wrong with his writing across the board that I dislike?
-Characters don't vary in most scenes by reacting (like interesting real characters with depth… Nigel)
-The environment is entirely ignored.
-In this example the actual characters themselves are ignored for le epic maymay battle (missed character exposition and building opportunity??? fuck me, we'll never know)
-Characters (and you've brought this up in the time it's taken me to get to this, using specific examples like Twilight(the lack of) in the barn scene) -seem to disappear.
I was originally going to use the example of Twilight being vacant for most of the 'Dragon-Mare' scene and highlight her lack of reaction and interaction to break up and vary the extended
=All she does is say a dialogue line (w/ said tag) then the Dragon-mare says something (and an action interacting w/ Twilight), then Silver says something (and an action interacting w/ the Dragon-Mare). And you just repeat those two latter ones (except even worse because Twilight isn't mentioned)= and that's the entire joke.
Twilight is used twice and it's to do generic things, no interruption? No character thought? Third person character narration?
And that's just part of a larger fight scene that's basically a bunch of anime maymays and relies heavily on character dialogue (rarely varying) to deliver these epic maymays everyone wanted to read.
The abilities themselves?
Could be interesting if they ever got used to do
something interesting. Spoiler: They don't.At some point I typed something like this out, but, forgot to post it because I'm documenting other lolcows at the same time right now, It's been a busy week, good job taking lead of the funposting autism-writer Anon.My addled brain actually thought I posted my thoughts on this scene. I'd like to say he does this all the time = making a post with some Fimfic link and a random OP picture. Terminal attention-seeking syndrome with a bad case of 'no effort' or even attempt to actually provide something while attention-seeking.
We ran out of funding for his gravestone ^:(
RIP - Sample Text by Shutter-stock.
Ah, the childish "He stopped talking to us! That means we win, right?" bullshit of the subversive communist left never gets old. Sorry, but the kids "Shitting this site up" aren't really a high priority for me. When shit comes up IRL, I have to deal with that shit.
Sometimes, I wish my life was so peaceful and quiet that I had the time to go full SJW and get Infinitely Offended over some fanfic writer committing wordcrime and thoughtcrime and breaking your personal rules on what is and isn't ok in fanfiction.>>4217
You didn't get what Silver was saying? You didn't get that he doesn't consider brainwashing a town, killing ponies(That Cutie Mark wall was full. There were more Cutie Marks on that wall than there were living ponies in her town. Glimmer gaining magic from devouring stolen Cutie Marks is the only way to explain why this Mary Sue is stronger than the living paragon of friendship and magic, and Ponies simply turning to dust after being Gray for long enough felt more merciful than her actively sacrificing them to Moloch like the average leftist in power), ruining the timeline a few dozen times, and causing incredible pain and suffering to multiple worlds… to be something anypony should be proud of doing.
The meaning of that line went over your head? Damn, guess that's going to put a dent in your "x is a hipocrit becuz x" leftylie. And your ego, too. Haha you belong on r/whoosh lmao. However will you convince people here to take me less seriously and not engage me in debate or discussion now?
Hey guys, look, Glimmernigel's back!
Thats a short rant then his normal stuff. His anus must be bleeding pretty hard
>Mister Metokur Tells Vee How He Became A lolcowhttps://youtu.be/iHG1P-6f1DQ
45 minute cut from a stream on the gypsies channel
"…but if you keep feeding this its never gonna end. It's going to escalate beyond what it is now and its going to go from trolling and fucking with your family to life ruination shit.
And when it reaches that level, your are going to have an ED entry about the meltdown of Vee Monroe. It's just going to escalate." - Jim
What a retarded defence.>You didn't get what Silver was blah blah blah
God, it's almost like you didn't communicate your story effectively.
Almost like it's way too long for its linguistic and simplicity and lack of, well, literary concepts.
Ever read The Great Gatsby?>>4189>24,535 words into TGG takes us to roughly the part where Gatsby is showing Daisy his house. In the length of time it takes you to lay out one scene, F. Scott Fitzgerald lays out his exposition, introduces all major characters along with their conflicts and backstories, and is chugging along at a fair clip through the rising action portion of his narrative. That is literally insane.
>>4222>Sometimes, I wish my life was so peaceful and quiet that I had the time to go full SJW
Oh anon, your life must be so, so busy, oh poor you anon, no one else here has a busy life and still manages to lurk this site for hours and hours.
Everyone here has a free, peaceful life.
>>4212>>4111>>4120>>42226. This Should Go Without Saying, But This Story is Way Too Long
Okay, this shit goes on for like 40 forevers. There's quite a few more quotable bits that would be fun to dissect a bit, but it would take me until Christmas and really I would just be going over points I've already made.
When I say that you need to trim this down, Nigel, I really do mean it. You need to fucking trim this shit down. Even if you obstinately refuse to take any of the rest of the advice you've been given and want to keep going with this train wreck of a fanfiction, at least trim this scene down.
For instance, this paragraph:>“You know, Starlight… I follow a comic series named ‘Vitreous and Fern’. It prominently features an evil background character who’s supposed to be evil and utterly pathetic. He’s supposed to have a hilariously shallow to perform evil acts, such as stealing his town’s garden gnomes, and deflating every inflatable in town, and trying to block out the sun. And every time, he’s stopped by a heroic secret agent, a Platypus. He’s supposed to be a joke, and yet despite everything he’s done and tried to do, you’re worse than he is, and you have less of a reason to do any of it. You’re more pathetic than Doctor Daydreamsmiles! But while that fictional loser is written to make me feel sorry for him, you… you make me sick!
If there were an award for how far outside the narrative you can go to make a point about nothing, I would nominate you for it, because this would be a good entry. What is the point of this paragraph? Glimmer is worse than a character you made up from a comic you made up? What purpose does this serve? You're comparing Starlight to a character no one could possibly be familiar with. For a comparison to make sense people need a frame of reference. Who is Doctor Daydreamsmiles and why do I give a shit?
>Heck, why am I bringing up fictional characters when I could bring up Sombra, or better yet, Tirek!
You really should have taken your own advice here. You know what, scratch that, the next paragraph about Tirek isn't much better. You just reiterate more events from the show that readers would already be familiar with and then bash Glimmer some more. Cntrl-A + Backspace is the best editing tip I can give you.
Really, most of this scene should just be cut out. I can't even tell you specifically which paragraphs to cut out because the only solution here is to just cut all of it and rewrite it AND MAKE IT MUCH SHORTER. We haven't even gotten to the political ideology section yet and I am already sick of reading this. This whole conversation is just classic Nigel letting his hateboner run wild. You keep making the same points over and over and referencing the same examples. So far I've seen at least three separate instances where you compare Glimmer to Tirek, and it's the same shit every time. Tirek stole magic, Glimmer stole magic; we get it. Very incisive observation, you don't need to repeat it 80 fucking times. I'm guessing you probably go down the list and compare her to every goddamn villain in the series, and I'm also guessing the end conclusion is that she's worse. Brilliant.
Even if you keep everything else about this train wreck of a story the way it is, you could still improve it just by paring it down to an appropriate length. Your problem, as always, is that you have no understanding of who you're writing for and no ability to filter out what your audience probably won't be interested in reading. Nobody reads fiction because they want to be lectured, if you just want to lay out all the reasons you think Glimmer is awful you should just abandon the fanfiction and write an essay instead (more on that once we get to the part about politics).
Here's what you should do: instead of just sitting down at the computer and typing everything that comes into your head, sit down, take a deep breath, and think about everything you want to say first. Make a list with bullet points if that helps you. Make each point concisely, once, and move on. Don't repeat yourself, most people won't even want to read what you have to say once, let alone fifty times. There is no reason on earth this party scene should go on for more than a page or two.
When you consider that, again, this is not a self-contained work but merely ONE CHAPTER of a larger work, there is no excuse for the length here. Literally all that happens in this chapter is Twilight and Silver "oh shit I'm out of butt lube and the butt lube store is closed today this is the worst Christmas ever" Star have a date, Silver ransacks her house as a "surprise", a party happens, Silver meets Glimmer and they have a fight. There is absolutely no reason this chapter should exceed 10,000 words. Even that may be excessive. Once again I want to remind you that the overall length of this is about 32k, with the party scene accounting for about 24k. Cut that scene out and your whole chapter is around 7,000, which is reasonable for what you have. I would give yourself a limit of about 2,500-3,000 words for the party scene and do a rewrite. If it exceeds that length, cut stuff out. Hold yourself to the limit. It's good exercise.
When I called this story a train wreck, it really wasn't an exaggeration. I want to look away from this but I just can't.
Let's see, what happens next. Your character gets mad at Glimmer for some stuff that happened in your story that isn't canon: "brainwashing" the Mane 6 (I assume you're talking about that spell or whatever you had her cast to make ponies like her, otherwise I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about), laughing and joking about her evil deeds (happened just now in your scene)…
Oh, wait a minute, what's this?>Silver seemed to calm down. “Look, I know I’m not the nicest pony on the planet. Not a lot of ponies ever called Silver Star nice.
Is that…could it be? Humility? In MY Silver Star dialog?
>I beat the evil out of bad guys, more than I really have to. Most are still trapped in stone, or cards, and the rest are still in the hospital. If I go to a fancy restaurant and the food is bad, I make it a policy to teleport away and leave them with the bill.
Nope, turns out even his analysis of his "flaws" is just more bragging, and I think that bit about skipping out on restaurant tabs was an attempt at a joke.
>Ponies don’t just call me a hero because of my charity work, they call me a hero because I channel my appreciation for destruction and ruination constructively. I hunt down the rich and powerful and politically untouchable, and I ruin their evil plans and take everything they have, to make this world and other worlds into better places.>I’ve taken on thieving outlaws, thugs, con artists, bankers, white-collar criminals, golden-collar criminals, crime syndicates, loan sharks, phony future-seers, evil alternate universe versions of great heroes, Changeling co-conspirators, art thieves, underworld kingpins, and more tragic monsters than anypony would expect…
Damn dude, don't be so hard on yourself.
>”QUIET!” Starlight roared, her face contorted with fury, a vein bulging in her neck, shocking most of the ponies around her.
Thank you, Starlight. Nice to see somepony around here with some sense. Now if only he'd listen…
Anyway, blah blah blah, more shitting on Glimmer for the evil things she did in the story you wrote, nothing to see here…oh, wait, here's something. Looks like we get a glimpse into Silver's backstory. This should be good…
>“I didn’t inherit this money, you idiot.” Silver growled. “What, do you think my father gave me a small loan of a million bits, and I got lucky on where I invested it? No, my parents were farmers, and so was I! I worked the fields, I farmed crops, and I fertilized them myself! When I was a young colt, I fought Cattle Rustlers with my own bare hooves and a horn that could only cast three spells! And when I got older, I made my own vehicle and rode it from my hometown to Manehattan, where I got a job at an antique store. I saved my money, so I could take a taxi to Canterlot, where I EARNED my spot at The Royal Canterlot Academy for Magical Duelling, and I studied harder than anypony else in that college ever did! I didn’t whine about how unfair destiny was to make some ponies into magical dieties and make others into farmers! I took destiny into my own hooves and I made it give me what I wanted, and what I wanted was a better life, and a place where I could give others better lives, and do more good than I could as some Frontier Town’s Sherrif. And now I run the biggest company in this corner of the Multiverse, ponies in sixty worlds grow up WISHING they were me, I made my own place at the top and I earned it.”
Wow, the Equestrian dream. Remember colts: just keep your nose to the grindstone and work hard and beat up cattle rustlers, and maybe one day you too can grow up to be the world's sexiest millionaire who is also a ninja and a scientist and a time-traveling wizard. Oh yeah, and don't forget to fertilize your own crops.
You misspelled "dueling" and "Sheriff" by the way.
Anyway, blah blah blah, more stuff happens…Glimmer punches Silver in the face but naturally he's made of titanium so it hurts her instead…he pops a balloon for some reason, not quite sure why he did that but who even gives a shit at this point…okay, here we go. Looks like we're finally ready to start the political debate. And my scroll bar is only halfway down the page, oh goody. Looks like Silver casts a truth spell on Glimmer, naturally, because obviously we all need a guarantee that the words you're about to shove in her mouth are genuinely hers.
Stay tuned, kids. Up next: politics.
Oh, shit, I just noticed. You also misspelled "deities."
Two points I want to make:>"What, do you think my father gave me a small loan of a million bits, and I got lucky on where I invested it? No,"
I'm pretty sure that was a dig against Donald Trump. That's not a bad thing in and of its self, but it is very telling that he has to script his OC to the degree that Donald Trump is inferior.
My second point is simple. I looked at one of Nigel's OTHER Silver "Tell the Doc I crave the cock" Star's stories, it's 91k words. 91k. At that ratio, with two stories he tops the Count of Monte Cristo, and I'm sure his combined exploits will easily top the unabridged
CoMC. Let that sink in.
I think after this much public deep level research on him and his conartist works it is fair to say that Glimmernigel is objectly speaking mentally insane
. He creates fiction to volumes that put historically achieved authors to shame, just to inflate his already gargantuan ego to astronomical levels. Essentially writing about himself and circlejerking about how great his fantasy represent is. I have never seen or encountered a narc of this magnitude.
it defies nature how he even made it to this age without getting beaten to death by someone getting sick of his shit. Even Low Tier God and Chris Chan at his worst are more humble than this.
I just got here to note, 91k words is something around 200 pages with an arial 12 font.
200 pages of autism.
>>4234>Essentially writing about himself
He doesn't even write about himself. He puts himself in the story, but that's not the same as writing about himself. Writing about yourself requires self-awareness, which Nigel doesn't have. He imagines himself this way and inserts his fantasy-self into the story as Silver "does this dildo in my ass make my ass look fat?" Star.
I'm honestly beginning to wonder if he's ever even been outside or actually had a non-online conversation. Because he writes like someone who has lived his entire life behind walls, with only a steady diet of pop culture to inform him about the world outside. His entire body of work is just a bunch of cliches strung together haphazardly, yet he seems to believe they're original ideas. It's like he's never had an original thought in his life, but he doesn't know it.>>4235
And he's only on chapter 6.
I'm going to start tripfagging since this is now spread across multiple threads and something tells me shit is about to get real.
>>4222>but the kids "Shitting this site up">x is a hipocrit becuz x" leftylie. And your ego, too
Oh look being a hypocrite again with no self awareness, and reacting like a tumblrite. You are the one shitting up the site with your constant attention whoring and thread spam, nobody else and everyone on this site thats actually from imageboards is enjoying seeing your story get ripped to shreds just like everyone enjoyed the parody. And you are the one with the biggest ego here, you suck a dick because I will never read a single page you write.
I'm sure you know so much about who belongs on which sub reddit having such a good long history with it.
>You didn't get what Silver was saying?>to be something anypony should be proud of doing.
'Proud' is not the word you used, faggot arrogant is
, which is a negative form of pride. Arrogance doesnt get referred to in a positive light. You used the wrong words to get the emotion across that's your own fault as a failure of writer not mine.
>>4128>>4130>>4135>>4136>>4137>>4142>>4152>>4154>>4158>>4162>>4173>>4187>>4189>>4191>>4197>>4198>>4201>>4208>>4210>>4211>>4212>>4230>>4231Bless the great labours of this autistic burger,Eviscerating Nigel with great, brutal fervor,Though your quarry may deflect, and facetiously chortle,His sphincter lies in ruin, though he thinks himself immortal,Such wondrous happenings on this board for horsefuckers,Shall not go without blessings from this >leafy cocksucker.Bless his discovery of a lolcow truly endowed,His fractured raw rectum, so thoroughly plowed,Bless his determination to see this creature dissected,A labour great and arduous, that ought to be respected,Further bless the power of his great, limitless autism,Shattering Nigel's work like /pol/acks to Judaism,I sanctify this prayer, with dark >leafy sorcery,To vanquish the Brit, who yet remains so ornery.Come one, come all, ye sodomizers of Equus Ferus!Gift him your autism, in a great, thunderous chorus!Lend him your energy for his mighty crusade,So not a line of Nigel's work escapes unscathed!By the 'tism within me, I end this prayer,And may God help his target, condemned to despair.I said that I'd contribute, and I aimed to do just that,Does this meagre offering suffice, or does it fall flat?
How not to love this place?
I shouldn't be laughing so hard at the picture alone but as a hamstick boi, I can safely say this is basically every OC in homestuck fan works.
Also that's true pottery, 11/10
godspeed, you glorious bastard. I'm enjoying this as I've always been, but unfortunately I've been busy this last two days. Don't think your work is going unappreciated though!
Holy fuck, saved. (And set as my new linux background)
Jokes aside Glimmernigel actually made me somewhat like Glimmer. I originally hated that Twiggles gave her not only a chance at redemption but a first-class, one-way ticket to her apprenticeship, and wished that her appearance in the show were confined to select moments if anything after her premier episode.
But I kinda like her now, and that pic is so a e s t h e t i c I can't help but like it.
Somewhat same. Besides it's fun to see /mlp/ seethe over boop-posts.
I still hate writers for forcing Glimmer friendship with my wife, tho…
>>4253>siding with Glimmernigel
You must be new here, friend. Take a look at Glim Glam's posts and the lolcow responses from Nigel.
Nigel is a cocksucking faggot but communist sympathy is communist sympathy
Would you call sympathy for Louis Budnez communist sympathy? If they realize the error of their ways and show genuine interest in dissuading Marxism, I'd say trust but verify.
If you're actually serious, and not just memeing this holds as much water as Glimmernigel calling all his criticizers lefties and reddit.
He really is the quintessential screeching aspie when anyone pictures that meme of getting upset over boop shoops. I've only just learned about him in these two threads but then while browsing /sp/ I found his autism goes all the way back for an an entire year
anytime a starlight glimmer post showed up, he was there with his egotistic condescending attitude. He was banned for it too. He is an insufferable cancer and I see no value in ever unbanning him, but at least there are others willing to make something useful and entertaining out of it.
Also >dat blender meme
I forget, which of my stories was 91k words?
Also that was a Trump reference, not a dig at him. I support Trump.
You're right, I spoke too soon. I'm unfamiliar with FiM Fic's format, and I misinterpreted some of the statistics.
I get it now, and here's a rundown.Silver Star Apple and the Search for More Money, Love, The Meaning of Life, And Magical Cards
Consisting of 6 Chapters
The SIlver Spire - 19,993
Now Its a Party - 14,916
Drifting Into a Dog Daze - 6,664
The Strength of Family - 12,506
Stacking the Deck - 4,719
The First and Final Sentence - 32,208 - This is the chapter that's being ripped to shreds.
There's ALSO: Displaced: Human In Equestria but the Human becomes Twilight Sparkle only more, also Pokemon are there
- 11 Chapters totaling 29,488 words The Last Power Fantasy: Johnny Christie ruins his own story for everyone involved
- 6452 words TCB: Rewrite of 1996
And finally, Coral Phoenix and the Caged Bird - 2 chapters
- 2 chapters totaling 19,646 words.
Okay, so there apparently is only
91k words pertaining to the Silver "You know what to insert here by now so hurry up and do it" Star with another 66,111 words between his other stories for a grand total of 157,117 words
That puts Nigel's combined works at almost the exact length (~1k more than) as JRR Tolkein's The Two Towers (from LoTR).
Sorry for the inaccurate estimates.
While we're on this topic, I think it's worth mentioning that if you're redpilling against a hostile ideology like Marxism, it's actually better, paradoxically, to have the good guys lose and the evil ideology win. This is for two reasons. First, it offers more opportunity to show rather than tell why this platform of thought is evil and to show its logical consequences. Secondly, people have a gut reaction to suffering, especially when it is inflicted by other people. When they read about pain and terror inflicted by a certain group of people, they feel an innate emotional revulsion against the violent group. Having your protagonists lose hope in the face of repression will entice more sympathy than if they go full Rambo and shoot all the baddies.
This is why I believe (and it may be an unpopular opinion on /pol/) that The Turner Diaries is terrible political fiction compared to such works as 1984 and The Camp of the Saints. These latter books present a very real possibility and, by showcasing what would happen to ordinary people down the line, serve as a timeless warning for their audience. The Diaries, on the other hand, by going full "race war now!" discouraged potential readers and, by having the protagonists commit unspeakable atrocities, disgust those who aren't already fully committed to the idea. Pierce would have had more success telling the tale of peace-loving individuals who only too late realized that the unchecked expansion of non-whites meant their doom. You have to entice from the audience the idea that even distasteful actions are necessary to prevent such a future, not actually advertise these actions. Because of the "good guys win, bad guys die" narrative the Diaries, rather than fulfilling the intended purpose, are commonly used to advertise the threat of "dangerous white supremacists."
>>4231>>4111>>4120>>42227. You're Writing About Politics All Wrong
So, up next we've got the scene in which Silver "my cavernous punished rectum is a void from which even light cannot escape" Star undertakes the foolhardy and ultimately doomed mission of attempting to shim sham the Glim Glam (protip: the Glim Glam cannot be shim shammed). I've never been a fan of this particular kind of political writing, as it is basically the argumentative equivalent of playing a fighting game where you control both characters and want one of them to win. The author just creates a mock debate in which he can put his own arguments into the mouth of the hero and use the other characters as sockpuppets who lob softball arguments the hero can easily bat away because the author already has a response ready. It usually makes for tedious reading and usually the reader is neither convinced nor entertained. This is no exception.
There is a fantasy author named Terry Goodkind who writes this way except better. For anyone who wants to try this sort of political writing, I would recommend reading his Sword of Truth series, as it is actually a decent example of how to do it reasonably well. I will warn you that the series is I think 13 books long, he doesn't really get to the meat of the story until about book 3, and the books can be a little thick to get through at times. Mostly they're good reads though; Faith of the Fallen is one of the most inspiring things I've ever read. However, my advice for you personally, Nigel, is still Ctrl-A + Backspace.
Whether or not this kind of mock argument is a successful way to convince anyone of anything I personally doubt. The art of persuasion is a whole other topic, but the way I look at it is if you're trying to persuade someone, there's two ways you can do it. You can appeal to their mind with logic, or you can appeal to their emotions. I know that appeal to emotion is technically a logical fallacy, but the thing about it is that it works. Liberal Hollywood uses it a lot (read: exclusively). I'm not saying that right wing authors should try to emotionally manipulate their audience the way Hollywood does, because this is a disingenuous thing to do and it tends to backfire eventually, again look at Hollywood. But with fiction, the idea is to tell a story that engages the reader and creates characters that they form an emotional bond with. If you can craft stories that demonstrate the superiority of right wing ideals using characters the reader cares about, you'll do a much better job convincing the reader of your point of view than if you just wrote out the reasoning behind those ideals and dumped them into quotes. The right has an advantage here: we don't need to twist things or spin things the way the left does, all we have to do is tell the truth and make it entertaining and engaging.
I'll use Goodkind as an example. Faith of the Fallen is a story in which his protagonist, who is fighting an enemy called the Imperial Order which is basically a stand-in for Marxism, is taken prisoner by a sorceress who is a true believer to the cause. She believes that, instead of fighting the protagonist, she can convince him to join their side by demonstrating its superiority. She takes him prisoner using magic and forces him to live with her in their capital city. Basically, he has to live under their system for months on end, the idea being that he will eventually realize how much the poor people suffer and how a system of total equality is the only fair way for a society to operate. He suffers under their system but he maintains his beliefs and his spirit. He makes friends with people there and shows them small ways in which they can improve themselves and their lives, even under a system that punishes self improvement. He secretly earns gold beyond what he's rationed by working odd jobs at night. I won't spoil how it ends, but ultimately it's a story about a lone individual struggling defiantly against an oppressive order. He adapts to their system and then rises above it, and it's both emotional and inspiring. The effect on the reader is much greater than if he just had his character stand around and make speeches (well, to be fair, Goodkind does tend to have his character make a lot of speeches throughout these novels, and it's a little annoying, that's why Nigel's book made me think of it, beyond that he's good though).
I know it's tempting when putting things that interest you into a story to start going on and on about them. As much shit as I've given you here about the length of your chapter, I can understand how you got carried away; but it goes back to what I was saying about needing to develop an inner filter so you can evaluate what parts you might find interesting to write about, but that the reader might not want to read. Read your own comments section, a couple people in there tell you just as much. Imagine you're just some ponyfag who doesn't give a shit about politics, who picks this up because you want a pony story. How interested would you be in a 24,535 word long dialog about Marxism between two characters? Probably not very. A story about
an individual pony's struggles in a proto-Marxist community though could be very moving. You don't need to convince someone to adopt your ideology, you just need to present it in a positive light for them to absorb and leave them to draw their own conclusions. A person who reads it might not respond immediately, but later on in a class where a Marxist professor is pushing his ideology could recall it and realize he doesn't agree with the professor. That's how you persuade people. If you just bludgeon them over the head with your ideology at most you'll be ignored and at worst you'll end up driving them in the opposite direction, again as the left is beginning to finally discover.
Show, don't tell.
Also, this guy knows his shit. Listen to him.
Anyways, slogging my way through the argument. Ironically enough this is so far the easiest section of the text to read simply because it mostly focuses on ideology so there are less things here that make me want to facepalm while reading. There are still a few things though. We are intermittently reminded that nopony ever really liked Glimmer to begin with, she just had them all under a spell which forced them to like her (I reject your canon and embrace my own, t. Nigel). We also have plenty of Nigel-esque self-aggrandizement. The crowd is naturally sympathetic to Silver "it is literally impossible to rape me because I will never say no to anything you want to shove up my ass, but I'll still pretend not to like it if that's what you want" Star, he really doesn't have to do anything to win them over except to keep on being awesome. That always helps to create a ripping narrative. You accuse Glimmer of "shooting a filly" at one point, not quite sure what the hell that was about, but whatever. Maybe that was in one of the earlier chapters you keep insisting we all need to read before we can comprehend this masterwork.
Here's another classic Nigel-ism:>You think you’re right, I think I’m right, but if we never talk this out like rational adults, we’ll never find out who’s really right. Now, let’s discuss how wrong you are.
Even in a mock argument where both participants are your sockpuppets, you can't even pretend you're actually having a real debate here. Really from the get-go this was never meant to be a debate, it was meant to be an inquisition. Not even a trial, because in a trial the accused gets to defend herself. You've pretty much already concluded that she's wrong about everything, this is just the part where put her in the stocks and humiliate her before leading her to the gallows.
Glimmy does get the chance to defend herself a little:>I hate it. And I hate you. I want all your excess money taken away from you, so you’ll be left with nothing but the scraps you need to survive.
Have to be honest here, I'd read that fanfiction.
Naturally, it wouldn't be complete without more bragging from Silver "I can deepthroat an entire eggplant" Star:>I’ve taken down white-collar criminals, golden-collar criminals, evil nobles, evil Kings and Queens, even evil Princesses. I’ve taken down monsters who tried to feed virus-infected meat to the world, so their friends can sell cures at a premium. I’ve even made life considerably harder on unethical businessponies who use Planned Obsolescence to sell marginal upgrades to pointless devices at high prices, without actually taking them down properly, because what they were doing was unethical, but not really an offense punishable by a ruined career. I’ve saved multiple Equestrias, including this one. I’m a hero.
This is just pointless bragging, and a lot of it is shit you already mentioned before. Even just cutting out filler text like this would improve quality.
Anyway, more predictable Commie-patter from Glimglam:>You’re rich, and that’s wrong. Rich ponies are greedy, because they hoard wealth and resources. You should all be forced share them with everypony else.
You know, I have to say that as little as I came in expecting, you still manage to disappoint me. Not only did you bloat your text with an obscenely long fake argument, the argument isn't even interesting to follow. This is just typical strawman crap, where you reduce the other side's point of view down to simplistic statements that can be easily batted away. It's just reddit-tier amateur debate. It pretty much just goes "muh equality" "but muh wealth" "but muh poverty" "but muh hard work", back and forth just like that. This conversation has been had millions of times across the internet and it's not any more interesting to read here.
The least you could do is try to make this argument seem serious. Don't make your communists argue communism the way you see it, you have to try to get inside their head and argue it the way they would see it, and try to refute it from there. It doesn't just make the dialog more interesting, it's good mental exercise for you. Pretend you're a communist and you honestly believe it, then try to think of the best argument you can for Communism. Then try to refute that.
Anyway, a few more minor things. You refer to a city called "Las Haygas." If I'm not mistaken the MLP universe already has a parody Las Vegas called Las Pegasus, which is a better horse pun anyway. I'd just use that. Also, that fourth wall shit you do where you talk about "the camera" moving from the fillies back to Silver and Glimmer? Don't do that, it's cringey. I can visualize the type of gag you were going for, but if you can't figure out a better way to describe it just leave it out.
Look Nigel, on some level I appreciate what you're trying to do here, but this really is just a very mediocre effort. You construct huge paragraphs that tediously lay out what ultimately amounts to some pretty basic arguments. I'd like to grab a snippet from your own comments section for a moment:>While I agree with silver's ideals (communism is a horrible thing), I found myself rolling my eyes halfway through the story. If I wanted a lecture on politics, I could go watch Ben Shapiro, Steven Crowder, or Gavin McGinnis.
This guy was actually fairly polite and it looks like you responded to him nicely, I'm guessing he's one of a handful of readers who periodically strokes your cock so you don't want to piss him off. Here's an even more poignant observation:>Also, while I get some people hate starlight glimmer, I'm personally indifferent to her character, and this chapter did not feel like her character at all (ooc). It felt like you were beating on her for no other reason than you hate her, and that's something I can't get behind.
Straight from the horse's mouth, as it were. If you won't listen to me, you should listen to this guy.
I think the Turner Diaries is a case study in multiculturalism and what happens when you abandon your founding/majority stock.
It's no masterpiece but I think the way Naked Ape describes the "turner effect" in his video on the alt-right is pretty spot on.
I think the "you're rich and that's wrong, you should be forced to give that away" line is just the most shitty attempt at "debate" I've ever seen. Like I said before, actually get in the head of a communist and there will be more substance. Imagine, if you will, how the scene would play out with this kind of dialogue:>"But for you to become rich, you must take advantage of and exploit others.">"I don't want to take everything away from rich people but what reason could you have for all this needless luxury?">"With the money of just one of the top 1% of America, you could give every homeless man $100,000 housing, or even up to $10,000,000 to live off if we were to take from the absolute top-earners. All those people are starving in a ditch with no way out, uneducated and illiterate, with no inheritance or safety net. And then those who are both poor and suffering a severe disability!"
Again, I don't agree with these points, since no matter how wide the gap between rich and poor, capitalism raises living standards across the board, and I believe stocks and inheritance are legitimate forms of wealth. But if you show that Glimmer is a corrupted idealist, someone who did all her commie shit out of a desire to help the helpless, as commies universally claim to, that at least draws a little bit of character around her instead of her literally being blamed for all the world's problems and accused of forcing everyone to like her to bleed them dry. That kind of characterization is inherently childish and does nothing to prove a real life political point.
An addendum to the green in this post: remember that much of the issue is an issue of definitions and beliefs. To communists, organization and heirarchy are inherently abusive, because of the force they could potentially exert on the lower ranks. We understand a boss needs his workers and has to treat them well enough to encourage productivity, hence negotiable wages and promotions, but to them the very idea of organizing out of necessity (and not out of love for the job/desire for the end product) is immoral.
The trick to convincing a communist is not to simply screech in their face, it's to argue from their perspective. For instance:>"If my employees wish to leave the business, outside extreme circumstances, they can. In fact I owe them severance for any overtime done in that time, which stacks up quite fast. There are market forces that dissuade bad treatment of a workforce, and often extra motivators like raises give them added satisfaction. It may seem predatory, but my role as a business-owner is important too, for without this heirarchy and my organizing of labor and resources, the business would be less efficient, or worse, stagnate and die out.">"The alternative of a classless society without market forces is one in which the only motivation is the greater good of man, and while it is a noble goal, it's not enough for many other people, and different interpretations of morality and philosophy mean one view of a greater society is the death penalty while the other is imprisonment. The fact we're in this debate only proves this point; religions, governments and businesses all have differing beliefs for the greater good. I think the greater good is to innovate technology so that we can work towards eco-friendly alternatives that are more affordable than fossil fuels. How do I enforce that without stepping on a few hundred million people? No, by organizing a company, shaking hands and making deals to please shareholders, I'm doing as much as I can for my greater good.">"Why equality? What makes it so appealing? We are all different, with both inborn traits and cultural ones pushing us toward a certain set of skills. This fits very neatly with the division of labor. Wouldn't it be better that a tall and athletic man works a physically demamding job relating to his interests and skills? Even if it's a sport or olympian feat like sprinting or football, if it makes him and those around him happy and his service of entertainment or exercise-related science benefits his consumers, why make him a farmer and a baker and a factory worker? He has no reason to find farming or baking interesting in his eyes, and factory work is often demeaning and low-skill labor that may very well be phased out with technological development. Let him be a basketball star or competitive runner!"
Again these are just on-the-spot ideas. Really not that hard to construct around a capitalism v. communism debate if you know your characters, setting, and ideologies.
I think that >>4271
made a good point that a lot of what is wrong with this is just how you present your arguments and portray Glimmer. I've said a lot of this before I suppose, but it bears repeating. You pretty much just use Glimmer as a mouthpiece for spouting boilerplate Communism with some weak horse puns on ideology names to connect it to MLP. As usual with you it's just bad writing and shows a lack of understanding of the universe you're writing in.
I'd like to return for a moment to what I wrote about earlier, when I went over your lack of respect for the canon characters of the show. It definitely applies here, because you're doing the same thing to Glimmer that you do to Twilight and the others. Now, when I say that you need to "respect" the canon characters, I'm not saying you necessarily need to like them, since it's pretty obvious at this point that you don't like Glimmer. However, even if you're writing about a character that you don't like, you still need to make an effort to understand who that character is and what her motivations are, otherwise why write about her? One of the biggest problems you have is that you frankly just don't write believable dialog, and that combined with the fact that you go completely off the rails here with all the politics just completely destroys the believability of the story. If you didn't occasionally throw in weak nods to your setting like saying "Marksism" instead of "Marxism" or describing Glimmyglam's utopia as "unlimited carrots for all" because haha horses eat those, I would forget I was even reading an MLP story.
Your problem is you superficially understand this world and its characters but you don't think any deeper about them. It's not even enough to just understand their backstories and basic personalities, you have to go deeper than that. Who are these characters? If you create some arbitrary situation like being lost in the woods, how differently would Twilight respond to that situation than say Rainbow Dash? You have to learn to think like that. It's not enough to just know their names and speech patterns and details of events that happened in the show, you have to think of them as real people (or horses or whatever) and try to see situations from their individual perspectives if you want to write them well. That goes just as much for Glimmer even though you don't like her.
You go way off the deep end with speculation about what Glimmer's plans were. You basically accuse her of plotting to take over the world and subject it to some kind of pony proto-Communism. Even though you're allowed to take creative license, is that really what she would try to do? Is that what she wants? Most of the arguments you put in her mouth are just boilerplate Antifa-tier commie arguments about wealth inequality. Is that really the type of inequality that Glimmer cares about? Seems to me she's more concerned about unequal distribution of talents and abilities, not material wealth.
The way I see it, at the core of Glimmer's character is loneliness. Her character basically parallels Twilight's in that she's a very smart pony but kind of a socially awkward sperg. She manages to make one friend but he goes off to magic school and she gets left behind, so she feels abandoned. Rather than try to make new friends she isolates herself and dedicates all of her time to her evil plans. There's nobody around to tell her she's being a retard and she just needs to go out and try to make some new friends. This is actually a fairly common scenario in real life, people have shot up high schools over shit like this. For a kids' show it's actually a pretty good story angle, because there's probably kids watching who can relate to Glimmy. I guess what I'm saying is, even if you want to make this character the villain, you still need to write her arguments from her viewpoint, not yours.
The difference between Twilight and Glimglam is that Twilight had Celestia to teach her and eventually push her into a situation where she was able to make friends and come out of her shell, Glimmer didn't have anyone. One of the complaints you make over and over (and I've heard this complaint elsewhere) is that Tirek did similar things to what Glimmer did, but didn't get a redemption. Well, Tirek was basically a centuries-old entity, for all practical purposes a mythical creature like Angra Mainyu or some shit. Creatures like that get vanquished and sent to Hell, that's just how fantasy works. Any chance for redemption he might have had probably passed thousands of years ago, now he's just a monster. Glimmer has a human (equine?) component and the writers apparently felt she deserved a second chance. You don't have to like this or agree with it, but that's her character and any attack on her should start from that. Don't just dump human ideologies into her mouth and have her vomit them out, it's bad writing and makes for tedious reading.
The other thing is understanding your setting from a technical perspective. *ism type ideologies are a post-enlightenment development in human thought, and are largely the product of a liberal social order. Politics don't really come up much in MLP, but to me it seems like it's basically a benevolent monarchy, with pony communities being largely autonomous in the details of how they run things. The average pony probably doesn't think much about politics on a scale larger than his local community, and what academia exists is mostly devoted to the study of unicorn magic. Ponies all seem to have race-based roles and be content with them. You can think of it as a more or less medieval social order, so aside from maybe the occasional Martin Luther type crackpot running around, you probably aren't going to have a lot of treatises and ideologies. Especially since it seems ponies are mostly content with the existing social order; there's really not much fertile ground for revolution here. That's my take, anyway.
Anyway, some more nitpicky things I guess. You mention the steel industry, but I don't know that I've seen evidence Equestria would have knowledge of making steel, although it's difficult to tell just how industrialized their society is.
>She groaned in exhaustion. “Could you stop over-analyzing everything?”
Once more, Glimmer, the pony you hate, is proving surprisingly insightful here. You go through several examples that really just emphasize the same point over and over, which is that in a society with no personal incentive to work, where everyone is expected to share labor regardless of interest or ability, work will probably not get done as efficiently, and there will be less food/wealth/whatever. Your points aren't wrong, but you don't need to make the same ones over and over. t. guy who keeps making the same points over and over
You then start talking about Equalist countries without citing examples of which countries you're talking about. I guess in a world like this where lands outside the main setting aren't very clearly laid out you've got some room for creative license, but do a teensy bit more world building here. What countries are Equalist? How does Glimmer know about them? Has she ever been to one? You go into exhaustive detail about how these places work but don't really talk about where they are in the world or who lives there, again it just feels like you're writing an essay about human politics and draping a thin layer of Pony over it. Also, you spend a lot of this paragraph restating the same points you've made multiple times already.
>One thousand, five hundred, and seventeen. This might sound strange, but after you beat down as many unrepentant and incurably evil villains as me, you start to hear the same bad, fallacious justifications for evil actions over, and over, and over again… And, you start to hear the same ways to gloat about being evil over, and over and over again… So, I decided to make a little game out of it. I count how many times I hear a certain fragment of a villainous mindset announced, such as ‘Others cannot be trusted to make the right choices, so I had to choose for them!’, or ‘I had to do it, because only I can do it! I am blameless because I was chosen by fate!’, or ‘But this is the only solution to the problem at hoof I can think of!’. After all, villains aren’t particularly unique or interesting.
Just for fun, you, the author, should do the same thing with your story. Count up how many times in this chapter Silver "pound my butt at the speed of light" Star or Starlight Glimmer makes the same point about muh wealth or muh inequality. Listening to people argue in circles in real life is tedious enough, nobody wants to read the play by play in text. TRIM THIS DOWN.
>I’m saying you’re a really boring villain. I mean, really, come on. Look at you. Put all the supposedly-reformed friend-backstabbing evilly-gloating stuff aside for a moment and look at you. You aren’t some brilliant free-thinking visionary. You aren’t some overly-idealistic, tragically deluded wannabe-hero. You’re just another run-of-the-mill god-wannabe who wishes she could change the world to better fit her vision of what reality should be. Just another idiot too dumb to see anything wrong with her own idea of a perfect world, and too much of a jerk to consider taking advice from somepony who knows more than you.
More unintentional irony. I'll say it for the umpteenth time: your hero is a really boring hero. He's a walking pile of cliches and super-powers ripped off from anime and comics and God knows what else. His backstory is corny, nothing about him is original, entertaining or believable. People in glass houses, Nigel, people in glass houses.
Jesus Christ, your paragraphs are practically long enough to be their own self-contained works. Anyway, blah blah blah, more blathering about muh poor dirt farm backstory, more pointless bragging about all the crazy shit this character can do, blatant plug for his new line of Extreme Gear (really curious now to find out what this shit is lol), more arguing in circles. The crowd naturally cheers Silver and boos Glimmer, Trixie tries to defend her and gets a tomato launched down her throat, hopefully somepony knows the Heimlich. Not even going to waste time commenting on this part. Moving on.
Oh, lol. "The Equalism that _____ tried wasn't REAL equalism." Was wondering if you'd include that one. As long as you're having Glimmyglam rattle off tired, cliche arguments you might as well throw in the kitchen sink.
So, now it looks like Rainbow Dash punches Glimmy in the face, you make a specific point of mentioning that Twilight is gone without even hinting at where she went or why (my guess is she went off to find a better fanfiction to appear in), the crowd starts getting angry, then a few more essay-length paragraphs of arguing in circles. I just want to mention too that you keep calling Glimmy's ideology Equalism, but you branded it Marksism in a previous paragraph. You should probably just pick a made-up term to use as your preferred allegory and just stick with it. Also you never really elaborate on what "Harmonism" is exactly. You throw around a lot of words, some of which are real ideologies in the human world, others seem to be part of your fictional world. You don't really elaborate on most of them and just sort of leave it to the reader to decide what they mean.
Looks like Applejack makes a token appearance, although the only dialogue you give her are Big Mac's catch phrases. Oh okay, here's a paragraph explaining the naming convention for Marksism and Equalism. I guess Marksism is Marxism and Equalism is Communism. Cleared that up I guess.
Anyway, it looks like you're finally wrapping this up, thank God. Silver finishes off Glimmer with this sick burn:>You keep saying hierarchies are unnatural fake social constructs, but hierarchies can be seen in all natural societies across the world, across the multiverse, even in animals. Wolves, Monkeys, Rabbits… Even Lobsters have hierarchies.<So you’re saying we should organize our society along the lines of the lobsters?>I’m saying even Lobsters are too smart to be Equalist.
How will Glimglam ever recover?
Anyway, turns out she won't have to, as your massive raging hateboner is finally transformed into a flaming sword of justice, to finally slay the mean pastel-colored cartoon pony whose mere existence offends you so.
You know what, I'm just going to drop this next bit in verbatim instead of summarizing it, because I don't think I could even muster enough sarcasm to do it proper justice:>Screams of awe flooded the room, and Silver grinned victoriously as he found himself lifted up by crowds of cheering ponies as they collectively lost their marbles. Across the world, birds, cats, dogs, squirrels, rabbits, cats, dogs, howls and meows and screeches and rabbit noises could be heard worldwide. Underwater, dolphins, sharks, and sea monsters cheered, bubbles flying from their mouths to the surface, a bubble popping above the ocean blue every few seconds to unleash the sound of cheering sea life. Even the sun grew a temporary face, just so that it could scream.
And yes, this paragraph is 100% unironic.
Anyway, Glimglam is so completely and utterly BTFO by Silver's sick bantz that she starts to cry, summons all of her magics, and tries to destroy him (or something). Since we couldn't possibly expect any less from him at this point, Silver "check it out lol I am now literally a flaming faggot" Star summons a corona of fire around himself, which turns out to be a spell that can literally fucking freeze time
, and naturally doesn't affect him "as much," so only he can move around. He informs Glimmer that he created this spell in two hours "because he was bored", makes fun of her for taking 20 years (again I'm curious where you got this number from) to create her magic-stealing spell (because who needs to spend time and effort actually learning stuff when all you really need to do is be super-totally-awesome to begin with, amirite?), and proceeds to summon a metal ball from the earth and ram it directly into Glimmer's jaw so she bites down on her tongue.
He then proceeds to physically beat the shit out of her,
which he apparently justifies by the fact that his spell protects her from actual injury…somehow…though she still feels all the pain. And just to clarify, the pain we are talking about here is biting down on your tongue after getting uppercut in the jaw with a metal ball "the size of a boulder",
followed by a direct kick to the face while being thrown across the room.
I would also like to take this moment to remind everyone that none of this is in self-defense; Silver picked this fight himself
with a pony who was eating cake at a party and apparently minding her own business.
Naturally, the only reaction to this display of unwarranted violence from the crowd is from Rainbow Dash, who only sees fit to remark on how cool it is that Silver's horn didn't even glow while he was using magic. Yes, Silver "somepony literally fist this character to death I'm not even joking anymore" Star is just that cool.
Once again, I'd like to quote something verbatim:>“Just a little something I’ve been working on.” Silver shrugged casually, and then a wide grin broke out on his face as his eyes grew cold and his breathing grew deeper and slower. “Something to make this a little more equal.”
That's right kids at home, you read that right. Nigel's stupidly overpowered character, who has all the powers
and is pretty much deus ex machina incarnate, considers magically immobilizing an opponent and beating the everliving fuck out of her while she can't move to be some kind of leveling of the playing field.
As if all this wasn't enough, Silver then casts some kind of blue tornado spell on the crowd to whip them into a fury, so that even fucking Fluttershy for fuck's sake
is screaming and howling for Glimmer's blood. Yes, the text specifically mentions that Fluttershy is screaming the loudest.
Once more, verbatim:>Glimmer sensed a pony teleporting behind her, and she turned in time to see Silver standing there, a long sword in his mouth. “Nothing personal, filly,” He muffled around the blade’s handle.
Anyway, I'm not even going to bother with a play-by-play for the rest of this. They fight for a while, if you can even call it that; it's mostly just Silver sadistically torturing Glimmer for about a page while the rest of the ponies cheer.
Some choice dialog, from the great and virtuous hero
of this story about pastel cartoon ponies:>典he best part is, no matter how hard I hurt you, it’ll never be enough! You’ll always deserve worse. Oh, the things I could do to you… Do you think, when Twilight comes back, she’ll question it when I tell her you went on a journey to find yourself? Do you think anypony in town will question it when I sell a new cow to some farmer on the other side of Equestria? Or, perhaps, I’ll turn you into a Parasprite. Those things only live for a week, you know. Or I could turn you into chocolate, and eat you.
This part isn't even in quotes, it might even just be part of the narration.
This scene is over the top even for you, Nigel. This is downright ghoulish, the only parts that redeem any of this are the parts where its unintentionally hilarious. You need actual psychiatric help. Also, what the fuck kind of wapanese keyboard do you have that allows you to hit a kanjii as a typo?
Anyway, I feel like I need about a bottle of aspirin after that scene. I'll be back.
>>4269>You’re rich, and that’s wrong. Rich ponies are greedy
After all the amount Nigel talked up 'beating her' at a debate this is the most underwhelming copout he could have ever come up with. I guess it's not surprising when he calls all his critics reddit (irony) and communists and glimmerfags but I was hoping he could come up with a stronger argument than what a fucking third grader could LARP. >>4274>One thousand, five hundred, and seventeen
So is this faggot oc supposed to be immortal or what? there havent even been 10 big time villains we've seen in MLP and the reader is supposed to swallow that he's taken out more than a thousand of them. And when did that happen, when he was working in the fields as a pony he was saving the world in his spare time as a colt? This is incredibly trashy consistency, I dont even think he goes back and checks if anything lines up except dumb irrelevant shit like '2extreme 4ugear'. As always a huge red flag that the writers self insert is more important than any other character in the show and undermines all of the Elements of Harmony instantly being dwarfed by the size of his ego.>>4275
Making up powers on the spot that this OC has never had to begin with all so he can have his a cheering crowd including the whole MLP universe apparently and have an orgy pile later. And then launches into fully psychotic, and sociopath assault and monologue that sounds like the true villain right there. Such a bad writer that he made Starlight the victim instead of the one people want to see put down, and the one actual humans with a concept of guilt and morality to sympathize with. Anyone else besides this disgusting OC would put a stop to it, not cheer it on. Makes me think that the spell he accused Starlight of using, making everyone like her is what's going on in reverse. But of course, Nigel has no self awareness.
The whole thing is a flaming dumpster fire and an insight into his warped mind. Why would he think anyone would ever want to read this and think they would agree with him? He's legitimately insane.
">典he best part is, no matter how hard I hurt you, it’ll never be enough! You’ll always deserve worse. Oh, the things I could do to you… Do you think, when Twilight comes back, she’ll question it when I tell her you went on a journey to find yourself? Do you think anypony in town will question it when I sell a new cow to some farmer on the other side of Equestria? Or, perhaps, I’ll turn you into a Parasprite. Those things only live for a week, you know. Or I could turn you into chocolate, and eat you."
That reminds me of Handsome fucking Jack from Borderlands. You hear me Nigel? You're like Handsome Jack. You sick fuck.
>"See, I can’t just have some psychopathic murderers getting The Vault before I do. Don’t get me wrong, it’s cute that you all think you’re the heroes of this little adventure, but you’re not. You’re bandits. You’re the bad guys. And I am the goddamn hero.">"You see, this is what I don’t get about you bad guys. You know the hero’s gonna win but you just don’t die quickly. Example. This one guy in New Haven. City’s burning, people are dying left and right, yadda yadda yadda. This jackhole rushes me with a spoon! A fricking spoon! And I’m dying laughing right? So I scoop out his stupid little eyeballs with it, and his kids are all ‘waaaaagh’! and - hahahahahaha -he can’t see where he’s going, and he’s bumping into stuff and… hahahaha. I don’t know, maybe you had to be there. The moral is: you’re a total bitch.">"I can actually see why you'd wanna tear that particular statue down. Clearly, you're illiterate, and the image of me enjoying a good book just makes your head hurt somethin' awful.">"Oh, get over it. I shot ONE baby. And, in fairness, it was being a dick.">"I bet you’re feelin’ pretty great about killing that no-name bandit king, huh? Sometimes I envy you bandits, you’re so…unburdened with things like intelligence, culture, morality, honor, ambition, good looks…I could go on. I won’t. But I could. […] DIGNITY! I forgot dignity!"
>>4275>>4111>>4120>>42228. Your Hero is the Most Morally Reprehensible Character in Your Entire Story
So, my scroll bar is nearing the bottom of the page, the fight scene seems to be wrapping up, so it seems we are nearing the end of this particular tome of autism (thankfully).
A couple of things, here. I notice that you have Twilight inexplicably leave the scene at some point. You don't say at what point she got up to leave or where she went or for what purpose, but you make a specific point of mentioning that she isn't there anymore. My suspicion is that even with your complete dearth of anything resembling talent in the realm of characterization, on some instinctive level you probably understood that the Princess of Friendship might object to your character sadistically torturing her protege. I highly suspect that your decision to remove her from the scene had less to do with consideration for Twilight's feelings and more to do with the fact that witnessing this side of Silver's personality might harm his chances of eventually boning her. We certainly wouldn't want to introduce anything resembling an actual challenge for Silver into the story, now would we?
In any case, displaying his trademark level of callous arrogance, Silver offhandedly refers to his love interest as an "idealistic amateur (reminder that this is Celestia's protege he's talking about)" who made a grave, childish mistake in assuming that a creature such as Glimmer could possibly reform. I'm assuming, though, that Silver's desire to stick it up her vagooper will cause him to be kind enough to overlook this massive character flaw in Twilight. What a great guy.
Anyway, apparently Silver is not quite done yet. Even though Starlight is completely incapacitated at this point, he summons a bunch of his faggot-clones and has them gather around and kick the shit out of her while she lies helpless on the ground, making snarky jokes while they do it.
One might think you'd be done dumping block paragraphs full of ideological blabbering into the story since the argument scene is concluded, but one would be wrong. The Silverfags continue to make speeches about the flaws inherent in Equalism as they beat Glimmer into a near-lifeless pulp on the ground.
Silver then performs some kind of stupid over-the-top finishing move on her involving hundreds of his clones while (naturally) the crowd roars with delight (one might think that at least a couple of these candy-colored ponies residing in magical-friendship-land might be at least a little disturbed by this level of over-the-top sadism, but again one would be wrong, at least in Nigelworld). He kicks her into a metal wall he creates, drops it on her, she explodes it somehow, he is considerate enough to stop the shrapnel from flying before it tears the crowd to shreds (what a great guy), beats her up with pieces of earth he levitates from out of the ground…
Jesus H. Christ. Every time I think this is about to end it just keeps going and going. Anyway, he tortures her for a while longer, makes some more arrogant speeches about how awful she is, takes her under some kind of metal dome, threatens her some more, tortures her some more, and finally passes sentence on her. This is done in another massive block paragraph that is probably five times as wordy as it needs to be. The basic gist of it is that Starlight is forbidden to harm ponies and can never return to this dimension. In quite possibly his most arrogant act yet, he has the sentence "witnessed" by clones of himself
, then opens a portal for her and orders her to go through each of the worlds she "ruined" and "fix" them. She naturally doesn't go quietly, so he finally kicks her in there and closes the portal behind him, thankfully drawing this horrendous scene to a close finally.
Anyway, blah blah blah, some shit about a magic gem, who cares. Silver pauses for a moment, reflecting on how benevolent and great he is, and how heavy is the burden of his responsibility. To quote the poet: "Sometimes it was rough being a rich and handsome superpowered genius who was an all-powerful magician and time-travelling quantum physicist who could bend time and space to his will and was also the world's greatest ninja."
Silver then chugs a Monster™ Zero-Ultra™ Energy Beverage (literally this happens), does some more reflecting on what a benevolent genius he is (literally this happens), then he goes back to the barn, where the assembled ponies all cheer him (naturally). The scene ends with Trixie being left to reflect upon how foolish she was to ever try to be Glimmer's friend. Hopefully Silver "ingestion takes too long, just put the semen in a glucose bag and hook it up to my veins" Star will find it in his magnanimous heart to forgive her.
Anyway, there's an epilogue to all this but fortunately it's only a couple of paragraphs. It basically is the big reveal for why Silver "I can literally go fuck myself" Star and his fuck-buddies that all look like him were ransacking Twilight's home, in case anyone is still reading and still cares (doubtful). As I mentioned before, they are attempting to install a hot tub into her home without her permission, because that makes sense. The chapter concludes with one of the clones exclaiming that he would like to "get a picture of her reaction" when she gets home and discovers what they did. I'll admit, I would be curious to see that reaction too, although frankly I'd be more curious to see her reaction to the surveillance footage from Applejack's barn.
I am starting to think that this is Nigel's attempt at reverse psychology. In actuality, he loves Glimmer and communism but he is trying to do some kind of insider sabotage. Not because I think that people that have a similar ideology as myself can't be assholes, stupid or something like that. His craziness just breaks my suspense of disbelief in real life that's all.
>I am starting to think that this is Nigel's attempt at reverse psychology.
You are giving him way too much credit. Usually, most behavior can be explained by simple reasoning. dont go for the conspiracy theories when you can just slap him on his ass.
as far as i could tell during the material i could find, Nigel has a history with disrupting and antagonizing himself against other communities. allegedly, he was active on MLPchan and did much of the same there before he was expelled. He later went on to reddit, just to get banned from there as well. IF he is only pretending to be a functional retard (which i highly doubt), this has been an OPs that has been going on for the better part of the last 3-4 years, largely offsite.
after being exposed to Nigel and his filth for a year now i can say he lacks the brain cells to pull something like that off. And even if he did, he would have gained very little but the scorn of some random pony losers on the internet. Nigel is a selfmade Internet Leper with a rat tail of A-logs.
>>4280>Nigel is ironically this bad
Sorry, not buying it. There's far too much 'dialogue' and 'discussion' to cite and indicate that he is quite literally that bad, outside of a diabolical scheme. No sense blaming artifice when stupidity is so evident.
Lol I'm Canadian now.
Probably the most disturbing thing about this character is his extreme megalomania. The issue here is not only his blatant disregard for the feelings and general well-being of the ponies around him, but the distorted lens he sees everything through. In his mind, he genuinely seems to believe that he is not only behaving morally, but righteously. The thought never even crosses his mind that he might not have the automatic right to act as judge, jury and executioner in the case of Ponykind v. Starlight Glimmer, regardless of what she might have done. It never even crosses his mind that Twilight might not like having her house broken into and remodeled without permission. It never occurs to him either that maybe he shouldn't murder his girlfriend's protege, or that maybe having her only real friend taken away will hurt Trixie, or that at the very least if he's going to torture poor Glimmy maybe he shouldn't do it in front of a room full of ponies who probably aren't accustomed to witnessing that level of brutality. You even included the CMC in that scene ffs; did the thought even cross Silver's (or your) mind that maybe he shouldn't be brutalizing a defenseless pony in front of impressionable foals? No, not even once. He doesn't actually kill Glimmer, but the thought clearly crosses his mind and he sadistically dangles the idea in front of her, and probably sees his choosing not to go through with it as an act of magnanimity that others should praise him for.
The irony is, all of this could actually make him an interesting character in the hands of a competent writer, particularly if he wanted to write something dark and edgy. I could see Silver being a character similar to Patrick Bateman; a wealthy killer who looks at the world through the distortions of lunacy. The trouble is, Silver is written without even a hint of irony or awareness; you're just as oblivious to the insanity of his behavior as he is. His sadistic treatment of Glimmer is completely justified to you. His invasion of Twilight's privacy to you seems like a sweet romantic gesture. The fact that you had Twilight inexplicably excuse herself from the party so that she was conveniently absent during the worst of the fight scene indicates that you have some dim inkling that his actions might not be well received, but it never seems to register in either of your minds as being actually wrong. Silver doesn't want Twilight to see what he does to Glimmer, but it isn't because he's trying to shield her or spare her feelings, he just doesn't want it to interfere with his romantic pursuit of her. As soon as he traps Glimmer in an alternate dimension, the next thought on his mind is surprising Twilight with her new hot tub.
Really, if one can ignore how shitty your writing is and all the logical inconsistencies and continuity errors and general awfulness of this story, and take everything in it at face value, the only rational conclusion one can draw is that not only is your hero actually the villain, he is probably the most dangerous villain in Equestria. He has an absurd level of magical power, is demonstrably capable of excessive cruelty, is almost completely oblivious to the emotions of others, has a god complex, has nearly unlimited wealth and resources, and seems able to rationalize even the most heinous deeds into acts of heroism or love. Villains like Sombra, Tirek, Queen Chrysalis, and the like behave fairly predictably. Their motivations are pretty much the standard "I'm evil and do evil because I'm evil" routine that can only exist in cartoons and melodrama. Silver "o mighty Thor please pound me in the pooper" Star, by contrast, lives in a world of perpetual delusion. He believes he's a hero sent to rid the world of tyrants and commies and whatever the fuck else he deems fit for removal, and he doesn't care what he has to do in order to remove them.
Ironically, the idea of justice you present in this story is closer to Antifa's "I can punch Nazis because they're Nazis" logic than it is to any sort of right-wing or conservative ideal. As much time as you spend dissecting and redissecting Glimmer's ideology of "Equalism", you never really clarify what it is exactly that Silver believes in. He clearly advocates some kind of free-market capitalism, but his views on law and order are never really discussed. He seems to at least verbally express respect for Celestia and her right to rule, yet he has no problem bypassing Celestia's rule and passing judgement on a pony that Celestia's own protege, and a Princess in her own right, chose to forgive and accept as protege herself. Even if Glimmer were guilty of everything you accuse her of (once again I'd like to point out that most of it is just your autistic headcanon), and if her repentance of these acts had not actually been genuine, shouldn't she be brought before Celestia and Twilight to be judged by proper authority in light of this new information? Silver just takes it upon himself to punish her and doesn't even fucking tell Twilight about it. This isn't even frontier justice; at least there you have a criminal being condemned and sentenced by the consensus of the community. This is just one crazy unicorn going around beating the fuck out of everyone he doesn't like for no better reason than that he can.
Oh shit, do you have custom flags now, or are you using a VPN?
I believe that he is probably in Canada. It sounds like that to me atleast when he says: "
Lol I'm Canadian now." I can't put my finger on why right now though.
I mean, he could just be channeling the leafy-green magic in order to piss off Nigel further. But yeah, if he is actually in the country now, enjoy your time and stick to the forested regions over the metropolitan regions.
>>4283>the idea of justice you present in this story is closer to Antifa's "I can punch Nazis because they're Nazis" logic than it is to any sort of right-wing or conservative ideal
The irony is beyond the pale. Holy fuck. All this time talking mad shit about commie scum, and he acts almost exactly like them. It's almost like, he has less in common with the majority of the right wing and more in common with the enemy.
Well, if he is channeling the >leaf
magic, he has my blessings as a high priest of shitposting. I only ask that he returns it before the next new moon, as the magic's requirements demand.
Now now, you only say that cuz you're an SJW-leddit-glimmernigger-commie. If you were really
right wing, you'd realize the superiority of his position.
A week and a half? Should be enough time to finish reviewing this chapter
Jokes aside, I'm hoping that Glim!Glam decides to go back to the beginning of the fic and work forward, then give a sort of summary or analysis with this newfound context. Then the old fics if anyone's archived 'em. I've been thinking about where we're gonna get our keks if he deleted his whole fimfic, hope someone archived it all
>>4278>Your Hero is the Most Morally Reprehensible Character in Your Entire Story
I know you skimmed over it but I feel like this part deserves a little more emphasis on this point. Thanks for laying out the general flow so I can skip massive chunks of this verbal puke and just use searches.
>They're disgusted by what you've done. They're disgusted by what you ARE Glimmer!
As always this sums up everyone's reaction to reading this Silver Shitfest.
>Do you hunt down ponies worse than you, if you can find any?
Because in a universe where friendship and forgiveness is the universal concept what matters is making sure to murder or maim other ponies would definitely be something that her tutor Twilight and Celestia would approve of. Even though Starlight has already shown that she learned using force is not the answer and proved it in Shadow Play II.
>No, you’re dancing around with your new best friend, some pathetic charlatan, the only pony who sucks almost as much as you, while-”
Of course to Silver by mere guilt by association, Trixie is nearly just as bad as Starlight in Silver's eyes even though she has done nothing even close to what Starlight has done and had already turned over a new leaf with an apologetic tour when she met Starlight.
>“Don’t talk about my friend like that!” Glimmer>As if he was catching a sword with two hooves, Silver grabbed Glimmer’s face and slammed her into the dirt, cancelling her spell. “NEVER!” He screamed, lifting her up and slamming her down again, face first. “INTERRUPT! ME!” He shouted, punching her hard where her jaw met the upper part of her head.>“Now,” Silver said in a calmer manner, “As I was SAYING…
And here for the crime of speaking up to defend her friend, which demonstrates that she has indeed even started to learn the core fundamentals of Equestrian principles for this SIN of speaking over Silver she is brutally assaulted by this disgusting megalomaniac OC.
I shouldn't be seeing this as much, but my immediate mental background music was this:https://youtu.be/5Dq01x-oxWM
This entire lolcow-milking session has been a damn journey. It's more of an honor than it should be, to receive such a splendid gift.
Thank you, you've helped me to realize a glaring issue>>Do you hunt down ponies worse than you, if you can find any?>Because in a universe where friendship and forgiveness is the universal concept what matters is making sure to murder or maim other ponies would definitely be something that her tutor Twilight and Celestia would approve of.
This illustrates the point; Nigel (and Silver "cruising for an anal bruising" Star by proxy) thinks he knows better than every pony in Equestria
. Princesses be damned, forget the elements of harmony, Friendship is Magic (it IS a FiM fic,… right?), everything else.
This story is a FiM fic in name only, just so that Nigel can posture himself as better than everyone and everypony.>inb4 I'm diagnosed with ligma XDDD
I doubt he'll delete it, his ego is too large to erase his masterwork, along with the two or three positive comments it got, which he probably reads over and over while masturbating. We could spend the next decade shitting on him and he still wouldn't admit that his story sucks. Still it's good to have this for posterity or "just in case".
>>4283>Silver "o mighty Thor please pound me in the pooper" Star>Silver "check it out lol I am now literally a flaming faggot" Star>Silver "You know what to insert here by now so hurry up and do it" Star>Silver "my cavernous punished rectum is a void from which even light cannot escape" Star>Silver "it is literally impossible to rape me because I will never say no to anything you want to shove up my ass, but I'll still pretend not to like it if that's what you want" Star>Silver "I can deepthroat an entire eggplant" Star>Silver "pound my butt at the speed of light" Star>Silver "somepony literally fist this character to death I'm not even joking anymore" Star>Silver "cruising for an anal bruising" Star
is quality writing.
>Silver "Semen Please Daddy" Star
>Silver "I don't care if your dick has Zebra shit on it I want it in my mouth" Star
>Silver "Help Me I Am Literally Drowning In Cum" Star
>Silver "genie of the weenie" Star
>Silver "hot cross my buns" Star
>Silver "Squeeze me I'm full of custard" Star
>Silver "You know what on second thought don't help me, just give me more cum" Star
>Silver "Mrrmphrrrgarblgarblgarbl that's the sound I make when choking on half-breed donkey cock" Star
>Silver "Mommy Dressed Me Like A Filly When I Was a Colt and This is How I Turned Out" Star
>Silver "Ho ho ho I am Santa Claus, get it? It's because there is semen all over my face and it looks like a beard" Star
>Silver "I'm not even going to give him a nickname this time as his real name is literally synonymous with sucking cock" Star
>Silver "Fuck My Ponut Until it Tears At The Seams, Resembling A Leaky Raspberry Jam Filled Donut that has been stepped on" Star
>Silver "I want you to pump my asshole like you've been wandering in the desert and just found one of those old timey water pumps and are desperately trying to get water out of it" Star
>Silver "seriously, I am a colossal faggot have you figured this out yet" Star
>Silver "I will suck your dick so hard you will literally turn inside out" Star
>Silver "pound my asshole until my hips break" Star
>Silver "I'm like a wine connoisseur but with penises instead of wine" Star
>Silver "Rock Out With Your Cock In My Ass" Star
>Silver "I came to kick ass and chew bubble gum and suck thousands of dicks and not do the first two things" Star
>Silver "fuck my throat until the choker breaks, then put it back on and fuck me again" Star
>Silver "can you please get this bowling pin out of my ass doctor I have to poop, put it back in when I'm done though please" Star
>Silver "can you get AIDS from French kissing a male camel's butthole? asking for a friend) Star
>Silver "grab me by my flanks and launch me into orbit, Rocket Man" Star
>Silver "fist me Daddy" Star and his Silver "there's ten of us now so let's make an equine centipede" Spares
>Silver "yummy cummy in my tummy" Star
>Silver "if this van's a rockin it's what I'm suckin cock in" Star
>Silver "just stick it in, the cum from the last guy is lube enough" Star
>Silver "fist my asshole and use me as a boxing glove to fight Antifa, it's literally all I'm good for" Star
>Silver "are people still laughing at these?" Star
(every fucking time)
>Silver "I'm so Reddit I drew a Pickle Rick face on my dick to surprise my dad" Star
>Silver "I'm not gay I just suck a lot of zebra dick" Star
>Silver "hot cross my buns" Star
>Silver "I swallow if I'm thirsty" Star
>Silver "my gaping, ruined anus can literally be used to play skeeball" Star
>Silver "Down on the Docks is Where I Hunt for Cocks" Star
>Silver "your scrotum is my lucky totem" Star
>Silver "I got an infection from that last beef injection" Star
>Silver "I can't resist throbbing beefy dong either though" Star
>Silver "I think Dan Harmon is actually a pretty great guy" Star
> Silver "put a saddle on me and ride me to the gay bar" Star
>Silver "Starpunch" Star
>Silver "I can fit a whole pineapple in my rectum wanna see?" Star
>Silver "I'm a mare trapped in a stallion's body" Star
>Silver "Self-insert? What's that? I dont care just insert it into me" Star
>Silver "oh shit I'm out of butt lube and the butt lube store is closed today this is the worst Christmas ever" Star
>Silver "Tell the Doc I crave the cock" Star
>Silver "does this dildo in my ass make my ass look fat?" Star
There should be a medal for these kinds of demigod-tier shitposts.
I feel a bit sad you have reached the end of the chapter. I hope we get to hear what happens next (seen from your point of view)
>>4283>>4111>>4120>>42229. Chapter 6 - Summation and Final Thoughts
Well, I have now officially read all 32,223 words of this particular selection, and am ready to offer my final verdict:
Put simply, this blows. The issues with this chapter alone, both in terms of its technical construction and its overall literary value, are so numerous I could probably devote twice as many posts to it as I already have and still not even scratch the surface of just how atrocious this story is. The narrative is clumsy and confusing, and reads like an unrevised first draft (which I assume is exactly what it is). You frequently contradict yourself, or randomly introduce new elements into the story without offering explanation. Characters enter and remove themselves from scenes for no reason other than to help move the story in a direction that you want it to go, regardless of whether or not it makes any sense. Most characters are just cardboard cutouts of themselves with no depth whatsoever.
For instance, you construct a scene in which Pinkie Pie throws a party for Twilight at Silver's behest, to which everypony is invited (summoned?). From the beginning of the scene, you never even make it clear whether or not Twilight is attending her own party, or how she got where she is, or what she's doing. You mention her not being there, then all of a sudden she's there, then all of a sudden she's not anymore. Why is she wandering in and out of this barn party? What are her reactions to the fragments of events she witnesses? You make it clear that she isn't present during the fight scene, but her location for most of the party is unclear. At one point we see her "smiling proudly" as she watches Silver and Glimmer apparently making nice after Silver, alarmingly, attacks her out of nowhere. She is not mentioned again until nearly the end of the fight scene, where you simply state that she "wasn't there."
Your handling of the crowd of townsponies during this scene is equally confusing. At one point you mention a spell being cast on them by Silver, but it's never clear just what he does. At one point it sounds as if the spell somehow amplifies their emotions and makes them angrier at Glimmer. However, in a later paragraph you mention the spell somehow holding back the other ponies and preventing them from interfering, implying they might want to. Which is it? The only thing that remains consistent is, no matter what your OC does, they always cheer him for it. The CMC are apparently playing Go Fish throughout this whole scene and ignoring it, making them, apart from Glimmer, probably the most sensible characters in your entire story.
I've already gone into pretty exhaustive detail about your insensitive handling of the show's main (mane?) cast, so I won't dwell too much on it here, but I do want to reinforce a couple of important points. You set up Twilight as Silver's love interest but also make it abundantly clear that Silver has almost no respect for her intelligence or judgement. The narrative basically reduces her to a tittering schoolfilly who spends her leisure time doodling Silver's name on her notebook over and over. Even though her official title in Equestria is Princess of Friendship, and she has assumed responsibility for Glimmer's reformation in that capacity, Silver apparently sees no issue with expelling Glimmer from the universe on the basis of her past crimes, dismissing Twilight's views as "naive" without bothering to even consult her about it. As far as I can tell, Silver basically sees Twilight as just a QT 3.14 with a nice plot I'm not saying she isn't mind you, but if that's all you're going to treat her as you might as well just write porn
, and the lack of apparent awareness you write him with suggests that this is basically your view as well. It's interesting that in a story where you repeatedly exalt your own character's struggles and accomplishments, and seem to be pushing a moral that hard work is the only path to success, you have that same character behave so dismissively to the struggles and accomplishments of his love interest. At the absolute least he could have asked her if she even wanted a damn hot tub before he tore all the plumbing out of her house, Jesus Christ that is some next level autism.
To summarize, this fanfiction is basically just a bad story that is written badly. The whole thing is just a rambling, incoherent narrative that glorifies your OC and pays little attention to the universe and characters of the source material. Your handling of every scene is clumsy and insincere, and the text spends about two thirds of its length being a Reddit-tier political treatise that just rehashes the same basic points over and over. About the only thing you pay any serious attention to is your autistic world mechanics; magic and Extreme Gear and all that horse shit that Protip: nobody but you cares about. Learn to actually write these characters and this world before you go trying to add elements to it.
Anyway, I originally just wanted to troll you a little, write up a couple of snarky posts pointing out some of the more obvious defects in your writing, and move on with my life. However, as I stated earlier, I am now fascinated by this train wreck you call your body of work. Since you have repeatedly stated in these threads that it is not possible to give your magnum opus a fair ANALysis without having read the whole thing, that is precisely what I am going to do.
The overture has concluded. Join us next time, everypony, as we begin our true deconstruction of Silver Star Apple and the Search for More Money, Love, The Meaning of Life, and Magical Cards.
And by all means, anyone with the interest to do so is free to also read the text and submit their own thoughts. I'd like it if we could turn this thread into sort of a book club/rountable discussion on writing, maybe even inspire each other to do some writefagging ourselves.
Before we get too far into Silver Apple Star and the Search For Rice Krispy Squares and Hard Sweaty Butt Sodomy, or whatever the title is, I want to provide some background on Nigel's overall body of work.
This is a list of all the stories Nigel has thus far published to FiMfiction along with their associated ratings by the community:
The Last Power Fantasy: Johnny Christie ruins his own story for everyone involved
13 upvotes / 26 downvotes (66% negative)
TCB: Rewrite of 1996
19 upvotes / 55 downvotes (74% negative)
Displaced: Human In Equestria but the Human becomes Twilight Sparkle only more, also Pokemon are there
29 upvotes / 94 downvotes (76% negative)
Coral The Phoenix and The Caged Bird
7 upvotes / 28 downvotes (80% negative)
And of course, the masterwork, Silver Star Apple and the Search for More Money, Love, The Meaning of Life, and Magical Cards. Ironically, this pile of dogshit is apparently Nigel's most popular work, racking up an impressive 41 upvotes, compared to a mere 44 downvotes (51% negative). Congratulations, Nigel, maybe one day you'll beat the spread.
Hilariously enough, Nigel is also a member of the following groups:
>The Decent Writers Club
>Parody of Overpowered OCs
>Why in the heck doesn't anypony appreciate OC's?
>Bronies With Blades
>Undertale (every fucking time)
>Best Stories Ever
>Authors Against Harsh Critics
This 100k word firewood is somehow listed as Romance, Slice of life and Comedy. Did anyone see anything funny in what he wrote like a completely series lecture over communism barely even letting Starlight have a word in before burying her in more long winded berating and that's even without the sadism. Even his attempts at humor falls on it's face, but political 'debates' (which gives him more credit than it's due because it wasnt a debate )is what I look for in a quality comedy.
It speaks volumes when Nigel only thinks the merit of good writing are just more to slog through for the reader when it's always been said the soul of wit is in brevity.
I'm sure the dislike ratio will drop through the floor after people read chapter 6. Maybe it could have avoided it's fate before hand and starting out at sea was all naive and wishful thinking before the Silver "I can fit that whole ice burg inside me" Star became nothing more than a mouthpiece for his own ego and sank this Titanic of a fimfic.
I have in fact been thinking about posting a review thread on this site for a while now. I am almost done with my review that I thought I would post on it. The review is about the episode: "It's about time".
I also think that would be great anyway. All the ocs that populated the rich land that was mlpol had gathered. The firstborn had returned, SilverFagot!Star
>>4301>>4111>>4120>>4222Chapter 1: The Silver Spire of Curved Monkey Penises
>His eyes drifted toward the other book, a fantasy novel, a trashy and derivative piece of genre fiction. He'd like to say he didn't know why he was still reading this trash, but he knew perfectly well. He wanted to know everything about this book, he wanted to read it all, and then he wanted to lock it away somewhere and never read it again. If he ran into any fans of this book, he wanted to be able to launch himself into a ten-minute rant about this book. He hated this book, but after seventeen chapters of garbage, simply giving up would be like… well, simply giving up.
Welcome to my world, Silver. Welcome to my world.
This story actually starts off somewhat promising, so clearly you need to add "tragedy" to your list of genre tags. We are immediately introduced to Coffee Grounds, a coffee-colored unicorn with a white mane and tail that resembles whipped cream. He is a somewhat lazy businesspony who owns an unsuccessful but well-situated coffee shop that he is trying to sell. His personality is that he basically enjoys making money but has little interest in his work; his talent is making coffee but he has never taken it particularly seriously. Most of the work gets delegated to subordinates, so the business has never taken off despite being in a prime location. However, he imagines that he can probably sell it at a good profit and coast on the money for a bit.
Congratulations, Nigel: you have just created your first decent character. His concept and design is silly, but not unintentionally so like with Silver "I have second degree burns inside my rectum because I was curious what would happen if I put a piping hot Arby's™ Jalapeno Popper up there" Star; he's just mildly silly in a way that would fit into the universe of the series. You clearly establish a personality and a basic motivation for him. His goals are believable and in sync with his character. He seems like the type of pony who has some bad habits and negative traits, but nothing so awful it would turn a reader against him immediately. He is a somewhat frivolous but likeable pony with room to improve. This is a well-made character; I would read a story about Coffee Grounds.
Sadly, it all goes downhill from there. After a brief scene in which there is some confusion over an appointment, we learn that the pony Coffee Grounds is going to try to sell his shop to is none other than Silver "forget about the second degree burns, if I don't get a cucumber in my rectum before noon I will literally start having panic attacks" Star. Naturally, our first introduction to Silver immediately paints him as a colossal douchebag. We find him in the penthouse office of his personal skyscraper, reading a book on magic (and also a trashy fantasy novel, his impressions of which are quoted above). We learn that he has apparently been reading for the last 17 hours, but only 6 have passed, due to his ability to slow down time or something.
There's some back and forth between Silver and his Griffon secretary about whether or not he may actually be too awesome for his own good, and the various types of ennui he's developing from his adversaries not being awesome enough to provide him a slight challenge before he vanquishes them anyway. He is introduced to us as a self-made billionaire and super genius who spends most of his time and energy on esoteric magical pursuits, and seems to enjoy grifting wealthy ponies whom he perceives as intellectually beneath him, which as far as I can tell is part of how he built his fortune (rather negating some of his later speeches about earning his fortune through hard work, imo). Basically, this character is introduced to us as Tony Stark without all of the things that make Tony Stark sympathetic. Also, he seems to have a habit of chugging some kind of magic-enhancing elixir that concerns his secretary.
Anyway, this is followed by a rather long and complicated sequence of events in which Silver "okay so the cucumber seems to have ruptured my burns and now I have an extremely painful infection up there, but if you think that will stop me from having butt sex you obviously don't know me very well" Star does a bunch of magical acrobatics to transport himself across the street to where his meeting is. I personally think this scene is a bit long and complicated, but you clearly want to demonstrate Silver's magic abilities and his cocky desire to show them off, so I guess it's kind of a judgement call whether to scale it back or not. As an action sequence it's not bad.
Well, to make a long story short he then crashes through the window and makes a rather theatrical entrance that annoys the ponies he's meeting with, apparently this is deliberate and meant to reinforce the fact that he's a complete douche. At least he repairs the window. The meeting is between himself and three ponies: Coffee Grounds, and two others whose names I have trouble remembering, Lemon Pledge and Comet™ Bathroom Cleaner With Bleach I think, or something to that effect. I'm assuming they're just throwaway characters anyway.
I'm assuming the meeting is a fairly important scene for this part of the story and will probably have numerous instances of supreme douchery from Silver "oh god I wasn't kidding about these infected rectal burns being painful but Jesus H. Christ do I ever enjoy sodomy" Star, that will need to be catalogued and memed, so I will save it for the next post.Pic related is a character I've christened Onion Hulk as I don't know who he really is or why he exists; after Coffee Grounds he is my favorite character you have yet created.
Alright, so we're maybe about a third of the way into Chapter One and already we have a prime example of Silver "how many calories are in dog semen? asking for a friend" Star behaving like an utterly reprehensible douchebag. Apparently deciding that the three ponies he's kept waiting (he gave all three of them an appointment at the same time and then kept them all waiting for several hours) are not worth even this much of his time, he uses his magic to construct separate livestock pens for each one (not making this up), and then sends clones of himself in with each one to handle the actual meetings. He then sits down and continues to read his book, which I assume is some kind of instruction manual on how to become even more of an insufferable mongoloid, while conducting the meetings simultaneously via some form of telepathy (not making this up).
So anyway, it looks like we're dealing with Comet Ping Pong first. Apparently Comet is being blackmailed by somepony and wants Silver "literally shove patio furniture up my ass" Star to fix it for him. He offers money, which naturally Silver finds insulting. Silver brags about how rich he is for a while, taking the time to mention that he invests his money instead of just sitting on it, because apparently he's the first pony in Canterlot to have thought of that (wait, you can get rich by investing money? I thought you were just supposed to hoard it like a lake troll. teach me your ways, Alan Greenspan!). After that, he informs Comet Wang that his price is that he wants to literally own him
, including his home, his inheritance, his title (apparently he's a Prince or something) and replace him with a clone of himself (or something).
Oh, this is rich:>“You lost your right to call yourself a Prince when you did something even young foals know not to do. I've seen pictures of your wife, and she's adorable. She also doesn't seem like a legitimately terrible pony, so tell me, what possessed you to betray her trust – and betray her – like this?”
Apparently, the whole issue here is that Comet "betrayed" his wife by pawning her jewelry to buy collectible action figures, and the blackmailer is threatening to expose him. I'll admit that's actually a funny gag, so good job there, but the trouble is it's not really an evil enough act to justify how shitty Silver behaves. What I assume we're supposed to take away from this scene is that Silver is meant to be some type of Chaotic Good rogue-type character who enriches himself by scamming others, but it's okay because the people he scams are scoundrels themselves. We're all supposed to laugh at how clever he is and applaud his exploits, while taking satisfaction in the comeuppances he inflicts upon his marks. While this type of character is a time-tested and popular archetype, the challenge with it is you have to make your rogue likeable. Put simply, if you're going to have Silver behave like even more of an obnoxious douche than the people he scams, it doesn't work.
In any case, as we saw in our sneak peek at Chapter 6, Silver treats mares pretty badly himself, and is probably not a pony who is in any position to be whiteknighting. And yet he goes on:>Relationships are about communication and mutual understanding. Not some foalish zero-sum game where whoever apologizes first loses and whoever has more power over the other and gets away with being terrible to the other more often wins!
And there you have it, folks. A lecture on how to build a successful marriage from a character who will eventually burglarize his girlfriend's house in order to make improvements to it that she didn't ask for, after sending a pony she'd adopted as a personal protege into another dimension without bothering to consult her about it. Moving on.
Anyway, Silver offers Comet a metaphorical deal with the devil, in which he can choose to either give up his cushy life in Canterlot and start a new life with his wife in alternate-timeline Manehattan, or take his chances with the blackmailer. We leave him pondering for a bit, and move on to Coffee Grounds' interview. We also get a short interlude paragraph in which Silver chuckles to himself about how stupid Coffee Grounds appears to be and gets annoyed with how his clones aren't performing quite as he'd like them to.
Oh, one small thing:>It was irritating to note that the replica hadn't blinked once, the entire time, and it made Silver wonder if he remembered to have the other replicas blink. Like finding a typo in your work you had once failed to notice, it was irritating in a way nothing else could possibly match.
I would just like to mention that I have come across multiple typos in this work.
I don't know how much you have left to post, but it should be capped, for the sake of posterity. Other people should be made aware of Nigel's fuckups and your insight into them.
I really liked your work, don't let hater sjw's tell you how to write man.
>"So as you can see, Mr Star… may I call you Silver?" Coffee asked with a wide grin.>"You may not." Silver said flatly, staring at the businesspony with his barely-interested, unblinking ice-blue eyes that seemed far too old, cold and wise for his young-adult age.>pic related
Daily reminder that if your fanfic OC is young, is described as having any sort of spiky anime hair, has stats maxed out in multiple areas significant to the world you're in, is capable of feats that would prove challenging or impossible to the most talented canonical characters, and is considered "wise beyond his years," you probably have a (G)(M)ary S(t)u(e) and should consider scrapping the story and heading back to the drawing board.
So anyway when we last left Silver "don't call me Silver my name is Lady Marmalade, the Eternal Chugger of Cum" Star, he had finally deigned to interview a much better-designed character by the name of Coffee Grounds, who is giving a presentation on his business that Silver is not even remotely interested in listening to, no doubt because he is too busy dreaming about creamy buttered mustang penises. The meeting is used briefly as a framing device for spoonfeeding the reader a large portion of Silver's backstory, in which we basically learn what we already knew about him: he's rich, suspiciously powerful, extremely lucky, and pretty much a cum gargling faggot. The spoonfeeding ends with a rant about how overpriced and poorly run CG's coffee shop is:>…these fools, who had squandered such a great location with mediocre and VASTLY overpriced coffee that drove away anypony who didn't somehow convince themselves that the generic 'Black fancy chairs in one corner, wooden tables on the whole left wall, walled-off food counter with workers behind it and an easily-changeable chalkboard for prices, orange lighting with black and brown highlights on the room's colour scheme' ambiance was worth the outrageous prices… These fools were not worthy of owning a business.
I assume this suspiciously detailed description of a coffee shop is probably in here because some hipster coffee joint overcharged you for a latte or something IRL. Or, maybe you just hate coffee shops in general. Everything you write seems to either be a revenge fantasy or a regular fantasy that reads like one.
And oh God, you just won't stop with the unintentional irony:>I once read a certain work of fiction, when I was bored, and it starred a supposedly intelligent protagonist. To make this supposed intelligence clear enough to the audience the writer expected his books to have, the writer decided to remind you how intelligent he considered this character every five lines. That's what it felt like, at least. To make matters worse, the character himself, as though constantly peacocking for an invisible audience, kept reminding every other character in the story what a 'Genius' he considered himself.
But holy shit you just keep going:>Unfortunately, this character was stupid, and he only seemed intelligent because outside of a few rare puzzle-solving moments of ingenuity, he was only the smartest character in a world of idiots. He was boring to read, boring to watch, he was annoying, and he was utterly unlikable. There was never any tension, because this character would constantly get bailed out by pure dumb luck and conveniences upon conveniences if his own wit combined with the writer's wit couldn't hack it. He had no ponifying moments, beyond the obvious and stereotypical ones, and while fans may argue his unbearable personality was a front to cover his insecurities, the writer certaintly didn't seem to be going for that at the time, but I'm sure he'd happily accept the credit for such a great get-out-of-ponifying-characters-free card. He constantly wasted time trying to validate the chips on his shoulders, and his own stereotypical physical deficiencies by rubbing his supposed intelligence in the face of every character who'd let him, and it was just downright unpleasant to read. So I'll skip the part where I'd planned to do that on the way here, you'll skip the part where you'll make that necessary, and I'll get to the other two, who have far more interesting backstories.
This is all dialog spoken by Silver btw, and none of it is even relevant to the conversation at hand. He just blurts this out for no reason. It's like your subconscious is trying to force its way into your conscious mind and tell you something about what you're writing and why you probably shouldn't keep writing it.
Anyway, CG makes an offer that is probably a highball figure, but instead of negotiating in the normal way until a fair price is reached, Silver makes an insultingly low offer, which CG naturally has no choice but to accept because hey, it's not like any of the other moneyed elites in Canterlot are going to be interested in buying a piece of valuable real estate, amirite? Anyway, he sells his coffee shop for 25 bits (down from 2500) and is out of the story.
>>4313>Silver makes an insultingly low offer, which CG naturally has no choice but to accept>He sells his coffee shop for 25 bits (down from 2500) and is out of the story.
For some perspective on how much of an asshole move this is (and a reminder to research your material you're going to write for) 8 bits can buy a basket of apples from Applejack in Season 1. So Silver "I need all the bits for myself stacked up as a towering golden dildo for personal use" Star thinks an entire business shop is worth 3 baskets of apples. Insulting low offer is putting it too lightly, but everyone is a spineless doormat in this universe so the OC can shine over everyone else.
>>4313>It's like your subconscious is trying to force its way into your conscious mind and tell you something about what you're writing and why you probably shouldn't keep writing it.
Nigel's subconscious is like: "WAKE ME UP INSIDE! I CAN'T WAKE UP!"
Next up is Lemon Bar, who apparently is one of any number of farmers who were swindled out of their family farms by Silver "it's not really grifting if you condescend to them and call them stupid also I suck cock lol" Star, who apparently bought up a fuckton of them and is now running some sort of Monsanto type factory-farming operation all across Equestria. Silver naturally justifies this by insulting Lemony Goodness and telling him that he sucks at business, basically because he and his family wanted to take weekends off and sell their products at prices below the level of extortion.
Before we go any further, I just want to once again say that this character is just awful. He's not just badly designed and badly written, he's a genuinely bad person (pony?). You seem to want him to be sympathetic and even heroic but it's almost as if you yourself are so lacking in basic decency that you don't even realize just how reprehensible his actions are, and expect everybody reading to chuckle along with you while Silver "oh yeah pound more shekels up my ass Mr. Shekelberg" Star just goes around cheating ponies and making fun of how stupid he thinks they are.
This character's whole backstory, as I understand it, is that he is supposed to be a self-made billionaire who started with nothing and rose quickly to the top on the strength of elbow grease and wits. You describe him as a cunning businesspony who uses his genius business acumen to cheat the ponies who deserve it and reap the profits as a reward, sort of an ethical rogue as I described earlier. However, thus far you haven't demonstrated that at all with him. So far we haven't seen him going after gangsters or shady businessponies or even low-level crooks. At this point in the story all we know about him for certain is that he performed some kind of hostile takeover on a family farm (which he justifies by calling the farmer lazy and stupid, and insisting that he didn't "deserve" to run his farm). We see him extort a pony who comes to him for help dealing with a blackmailer, essentially forcing him to trade his identity and his title in exchange for keeping a relatively minor transgression a secret. Moreover, Silver justifies this by acting like he's teaching him some kind of lesson about appreciating his wife and having a better relationship with her, however it would have been better for him to just go home, confess what he'd done and try to work out their differences. Nopony learned anything from that encounter yet Silver profited and acted like he did something noble.
Last we have Coffee Grounds, whose only real crime was being lazy and running his business poorly. However he was still the rightful owner of the property he was selling and deserved a fair price for it, how well he ran the business on it shouldn't have mattered. After all, Silver was basically buying the location and getting the shop for free, and it's pretty obvious that Silver has plenty of cash to throw around and will be able to turn a profit one way or the other.
So far, as much as we've heard about Silver's vaunted work ethic, as well as his heroic exploits fighting cattle rustlers and whatever the fuck else, we really haven't seen him do anything besides sit on his ass reading books while getting rich off the misfortunes of others, then berating them for being stupid. This really is one of the most unpleasant heroes I've ever encountered in any story, mostly because he's written without any level of irony or awareness on your part of how awful he truly is.
One of my all-time favorite stories is a comic written by Ed Brubaker called The Last of the Innocent
. It's a story about a truly reprehensible protagonist. Basically, he abandons his hometown and his high school sweetheart to marry a rich girl and climb the social ladder. Then, when the marriage fails, he cooks up a scheme to murder his wife, get a huge pile of money out of her father through some fancy stock manipulations, then moves back to his hometown so he can just pick up where he left off with his old girlfriend whom he dumped. He does all kinds of horrible fucked up shit for completely selfish reasons, and gets away with all of it. The thing is though, it's told brilliantly. You see everything that happens through this golden haze of childhood nostalgia that serves as the protagonist's motivation. You see the place in his mind that he wants to get back to, the innocence of his youth that he threw away to go chase money and status. He discards his new life with the same carelessness and impulsiveness that he discarded the old one with. He learns absolutely nothing, and never atones for his transgressions. It has an ending that is happy for the evil protagonist, but to anyone reading is just plain fucked up. It's honestly one of the most brilliantly written things I've ever read.
In order to tell a story about an unlikable protagonist, you have to at a minimum be conscious of who the character you're writing is, and be willing to acknowledge him as an evil bastard while still presenting events the way he sees them. You don't want to pass judgement on him but you don't want to excuse him either, the trick is to just show him as both the way he sees himself and the way he really is. You can almost think of it as watching someone through a window when they think they're alone. Your problem is you have no idea who your character is, because his worldview is your worldview, and you assume it's the audience's view as well. His cruel and callous actions to you seem heroic, the things his creepy autism compels him to do you assume will be seen as lovable quirks. There's no law against writing characters that resemble or think like you, but in order to do so you have to be able to step back and look at yourself objectively and critically, which so far you seem unable to do.
Also, read Poe if you want more well-told stories about evil MCs.
Why are (((the subversive elements))) alternating between bumping this thread and the other one?
Maybe read some of it, Nigel, you might learn something.
Something tells me the first draft of this OC had him as a (((Griffon))).
Anyway, let's get back to this travesty. When last we left Lemon Shower, the poor asshole was trapped in a meeting with Silver "[insert gay joke here] or better yet just insert a galvanized metal tube into my rectum to expedite hamster ingress" Star, begging for his farm back, as far as I can tell from the rather convoluted dialog. Anyway Silver, in his infinite wisdom, apparently discerns that Lemony Snickett always wanted to be an artist, so he uses his limitless cosmic power to drill knowledge into his brain, so all of a sudden he knows how to art (not making this up). Lee Lemons is so pleased by this that he cries tears of joy, thanks Silver for showing him such magnanimity, and leaves, presumably with whatever deal regarding the farm he was trying to arrange concluded in Silver's favor.
I'll remind everyone that all three of these meetings are happening simultaneously and being conducted by Silver's clones, while Silver sits off by himself somewhere, stroking his knobby horse dong to Neighponese foal porn.
Anyway, the three ponies unsurprisingly all accept Silver's contracts and lick his heavenly balsamic nutsac as thank you for the opportunity to be in the same room with him. The meetings conclude with Silver being some tiny percentage wealthier than he was before, which he celebrates by going back to his fucking personal skyscraper and bouncing around the room singing to himself about how awesome he is (not making this up).
Quoth the mighty hero:>EAT IT! EAT EVERYTHING! EAT! GRASS! GET ON MY LEVEL, CANTERLOT! AND EVERY LAST PONY IN IT! GET! ON! MY! LEVEL! I HAVE EVERYTHING YOU EVER HAD AND EVER WILL HAVE, AND THEN SOME!
Then, he becomes seized by some profound ennui, realizing perhaps for one brief microsecond that all the wealth in Canterlot can't make him any less of a gigantic chud. In a rare moment of self-reflection, he thinks back on the events of his recent past and wonders if maybe there's more to life than what he's been doing. Naturally, he uses his magic to conjure a self-amplified electric guitar shaped like his cutie mark (not making this up) and performs an impromptu emo ballad, with clones of himself summoned to sing harmony (not making this up). I really feel like it's in everyone's best interest to include the lyrics of the song verbatim:>"Gold has lost its lustre, just as gems have lost their shine." Silver sang, starting with a melancholy chord, air solidified by his telekinetic grip serving as the pick.>"I'm getting bored of victory, and making everything mine.>I've fought hard to get where I am, and I have come so far.>Aside from the sun, which doesn't count, I shine as the brightest star.>I've reached heights I once dreamed of, just as I once fortold!>So why is this starry void… so cold?>Why do I still feel this way?>What is this void inside my heart?>I've reached the goal I've been aiming for,>Since my journey's start.>I've fought to build a throne,>And claim it for my own>And I've done it all alone.>I've built a brighter future,>I've left the past behind.>My will is steel, so why is my heart a stone?>I've travelled so far from where I began>My life's gone according to my plan>I used to break locked doors, now they open for me>I used to be alone, and I still am,>But now I see…
[clones of himself sing harmony]>Now I see…>I've reached heights I once dreamed of, just as I once fortold!>So why is this starry void… so cold?"
Aw, poor fella. Anyway, his mopings were apparently seen by his Griffon secretary (((Aquilla))), whose widdle heart just bweaks to see her awesome boss so down in the dumps.
>She looked at him with concern. “Seeing you mope around like that was painful in ways you can't even begin to imagine.” She growled. ”I can almost feel my spleen organizing betting pools on when my other organs shut down. You are a train made of win, but it's spinning its wheels and crashing into a train made of suck, I want to look away and I easily could, but it wouldn't change the fact that you're moping around like a loser and it's annoying. Go get some friends already!”
And yes, that is actual dialog. Ms. Griffonstein then demands to know who the last mare he spoke to was, Silver whips out his little black book and immediately flips to a picture of a sexy stallion I'm too classy to even touch that one
, and then there's a whole paragraph of spergy nonsensical bullshit about Spitfire and the Wonderbolts, which seems to be another aspect of the show you have some irrational hatred of that you feel like blathering about…some more spergy blathering about dubstep of all things…at this point I'm just skimming text again until it resumes coherence. I think the basic gist of this is that Silver doesn't date much and tends to fail at relationships (who would have guessed).
Eventually we get some more pseudo-depth from Silver:>“I always feel nothing,” Silver said dramatically, looking off into the distance with a somber expression. “My soul is an ever-expanding void I can sate only with that which I hunger for. Though the emptiness within me is that which drives me on, seeking out greater challenges and new tastes and other forms of fulfilment, the emptiness erodes my will to continue on with each breath, like an animal gnawing at its bars. Yet without that hunger, I am no more than a satisfied Elder Dragon, sitting on his hoard and doing nothing with it. What does it mean to desire? What does it mean to have? Does life exist to eat, or does life exist to want to eat? Are you truly alive when searching for your next meal, or when consuming it?”
Jesus Fucking Christ dude. Anyway, long story short Ms. Talonberg tells Silver to quit being a faggot and go make some friends.
So basically, long story short is, Silver "my farts don't even make noise anymore" Star decides that what's missing in his life besides an understanding of basic decency is friends, a concept which he seems to define as "ponies who stroke your dick and tell you you're great because they want to, not because they have to." Of course, he arbitrarily chooses Ponyville from a list of thousands of towns in Equestria he could possibly vacation in, and teleports himself there because fuck taking the train like a poorfag. What could possibly go wrong?
So, naturally, Silver makes an appropriately douchey entrance by appearing over Ponyville, rocketing across the sky like a comet. His supersonic hearing, which he uses to listen in on conversations to make sure ponies he doesn't know aren't talking about him, tells him that Pinkie Pie mistook his coloring for grey, which naturally pisses him off.
His first impressions of the town:>…looking at Ponyville, he noticed a completely out-of-place crystal castle monstrosity around all the nice, normal, thematically-fitting cottage houses. He’d have to be blind to not miss it, considering how the thing was a giant eyesore.
…says the guy who built a giant phallic silver skyscraper in the middle of fucking Canterlot. Oh, wait a minute:>Then again, he lived in a giant silver and steel tower he’d built himself in a town filled with buildings made from marble, ivory, and stone, so what right did he have to tell strange ponies to get better taste in interior and exterior decorating?
Well, I'll be jizzed on by an orangutan, a glimmer :^)
of self awareness from Silver "I keep a wine cork in my anus when nopony's using it because my sphincter doesn't really work very well at this point" Star. Maybe there's hope for this tale yet.>This right, really, since his Steel Spire was awesome and thematically fitting while not fitting, while this big crystal temple just looked weird in an old-looking town like this.
Nope, never mind, he's back to being a colossal douche.>Like someone had found a nice diorama of a city from a hundred moons ago, and slapped down a big pink gem where their megagem turbodream megaprincess hyperbeauty infinicastle would stand.
We get it, you don't like the fucking Princess Castle Playset™ in the middle of Ponyville™; let's move on. You don't need to take common complaints from the internet and dump them into your narrative, it comes across as bitchy and annoying. Plus, everyone reading knows what you're talking about and why you're bringing it up; it's borderline breaking the fourth wall and it kills the enjoyment of reading a story. Learn to filter your thoughts.
>He turned to look at the approaching Pegasus, noting her impressive speed. Which made sense, now that he looked at her beautifully lithe and toned aerodynamic body and the pure magnificence of her strong-looking wings. With wing muscles like those, she could probably crush multiple apples with her feathers alone. Her prismatic mane was odd, but cute, a rare mutation, and despite how 'rainbow' was a collection of colours and not a colour in its own right, it seemed to suit this mare perfectly.
Well, it looks like even Silver wants to cum inside Rainbow Dash. I mean, he's going to be disappointed when he finds out she's not a dude, but still, we can hardly fault his patrician taste. Anyway, I'll grant that you can visually describe things well when you want to, you should try to emphasize that and downplay the autistic rambling in future projects. +5 for that paragraph.
>"Hey, I've heard about you!" He said, realizing who she was. The information was already there in his mind, he just wasn't really paying attention. "You saved Equestria a bunch of times, right?">"Yeah, but my friends helped." Rainbow humble-bragged.>"Cool. So, what can you tell me about The Light of Harmony, or as some call it, Rainbow Power?" Silver asked.>"Uh… not much. We got six rainbow keys, and a big tree, and we got awesome new rainbow forms-" Rainbow said.>"What in rainbow colouration?" Silver joked, to her confusion. "Nevermind, just a bad joke," He said, deciding to write that one down later.
Aaaaaaaaand -5 for the clumsily written cringe-inducing dialog that follows. I knew we'd break even eventually. You really need to learn how to write naturally flowing dialog. Nobody talks this way; not here, not in Equestria. Instead of just using dialog as a way to get information on the page or as a means for your character to brag about himself, try thinking about how actual conversations work and try to emulate them. A good exercise would be to put two characters into a random situation and give them something mundane to talk about. Make it a scene where very little else is going on and pretty much all that the characters can do is talk. Try to avoid anything huge or earth-shattering, just write the sort of casual conversation that two ponies would have if they were just hanging out shooting the shit. Think of the conversation from the perspective of each character and try to imagine what they would likely say to each other, eventually you'll just start writing better dialog without even needing to think about it. It goes back to what I was saying earlier about thinking harder about these characters. Who are they? What do they think and feel in various situations? How do they each respectively behave if X happens? You don't even have to write it down, just think about it while you're at work or wandering around grocery shopping or whatever.
>Opens thread expecting a ton of shit
Literally pages upon pages of Nigel getting shat on
Glim you are doing god's work take a (you)
So next, after slogging our way through some awkward and cringey proto-conversation between Rainbow Dash and Silver "ejaculate directly onto the bullseye I drew on my forehead and win a prize" Star, they talk about books for a while, in an exchange of what turns out to actually be slightly better dialog. Silver of course is still a massive autistic dong, but as it turns out, one of the few times where it's appropriate to behave like a massive autistic dong is when you're sperging out about books you enjoy (or don't enjoy, as the case may be :^)
). For one brief shining moment, Nigel, you actually manage to create a dialog between two characters that somewhat resembles a natural conversation those two characters might have…
…and then you ruin it by veering off into another paragraph in which Silver begins bragging incessantly about stuff he owns. Oh well, it's not like anyone didn't see that coming. Anyway, this faggot has been in Ponyville for literally less than 30 minutes and he's already hitting on Rainbow Dash. Naturally, his way of going about it is to brag about himself, in this case by telling her that he not only owns all of the companies that publish the most significant Daring Do fanzines, but also that he contributes to them (anonymously of course, so he won't be shown favoritism, although it's kind of pointless since he already knows his submissions are the most awesome and will automatically win).
Anyway, he bets Rainbow Dash 9000 bits that she can't suck off an entire hockey team faster than he can, or maybe their contest has something to do with Daring Do books, idk I wasn't really paying attention. Anyway:>“What, nine thousand?” Rainbow asked in surprise.Okay, I'll admit that if that joke was intentional, it was pretty funny.
Oh, also the loser of the bet has to treat the winner to a meal. Yes, everyone, you read that correctly: Silver has just attempted the literal oldest trick in the book and Rainbow is about to fall for it.
>“Scared, Rainbow Dash?” Silver asked tauntingly.>“You wish!” She declared. “You're on!”>“Really, if one thousand is too much, I can make it ten. What I'm really after is the meal.”
(pretty sure you just said the bet was for 9,000 btw, don't know where you're getting these numbers from)>“Oh, really?” She asked, raising an eyebrow.>“Yeah. What's the best place to get something to eat in this town?” He wondered…
Well, as everypony
knows, Silver, the best place to get something to eat in Ponyville is the Expensivest Restaurant in Ponyville, owned by a tough-as-nails old pony named Emerald Whiskers, famed throughout the land for his emerald whiskers. Be sure to try the expensivest meal, I hear it's the tops. Just try not to wreck up the place, you gigantic mong.
And then…oh, Jesus. Jesus Christ. I…I…I just…Jesus. Reading this is like watching a slow motion train wreck, but every time you think the train is finished being wrecked, it figures out a way to get even more wrecked than it was previously. This thing is no longer even recognizable as something that was ever a train.
in addition to being the publisher of all the Daring Do fanzines
as well as the author of all the cool enchanted interactive puzzles
contained in said fanzines, Semen Star is also secretly the world's most widely respected author of Daring Do fanfiction
, Silver Fox. SF is naturally also Rainbow's favorite author besides A.K. Yearling herself, who I'm surprised Silver has not yet claimed as a long-lost daughter from another dimension or some shit. Jesus H. Christ Nigel, there's going over the top for the sake of lulz or exaggeration, and then there's just being downright retarded. How does this character find the time to do all this shit? Oh, right, his fucking time manipulation ability that he figured out while he was fistfighting Dracula and teaching Einstein the theory of relativity. That apparently allows him to churn out Daring Do fanfictions (which I hope to Christ are at least marginally less shitty than what I'm reading currently) at the speed of light while conducting thousands of stock transactions per second and hollowing out the Equestrian middle class through hostile takeovers of small businesses. At this point you should not be trying to write fanfiction, you should be talking to your doctor about adjusting your Adderall regimen.
And then…Jesus Christ, I'm just going to paste this next paragraph in.>"That's right, I'm THE Silver Fox, creator of Silver Spiked Space, False Sense of Infinity, and Imperfect Suffervoid 9X!" The nerd announced with dark glee as the sky darkened and the camera zoomed in, as though the pony was a costumed supervillain announcing that HE was the one who dumped countless tonnes of pudding mix into the ocean and stole every puppy in the world. "He who made Rain Supreme herself, the best interactive comic tester in the business, spend two hours in one room, eight hours in the next room, and four days stuck in the next, only to find she'd wasted all that time on a dead end! He who made her break down in tears and use an emergency exit password for the first time in her life, and take a two-week vacation from all interactive comics before the next interactive puzzle on her list made her rediscover what she loved about puzzles and temples, an interactive puzzle I also created, under, a false, pseudonym!" He announced, gasping for air near the end. He took a deep breath, and calmed himself. "He who made the still-unbeaten A Special Silver Variety of Velocity! He who slakes his thirst with the tears of the unworthy and feasts upon the shattered hopes and dreams of the poor tortured souls that once knew what it was like to hope!"
Needless to say, Rainbow is impressed and probably horny.
And, believe it or not, that is how the first chapter ends. We still have 4 more chapters to go. God save us all.
I'm pretty much positive that this impromptu emo ballad is Nigel's attempt to mimic the show verbatim. Since the show does random songs from every character under the sun, then it's OK too for his OC to do it. Like when Chrysalis sang even though it's out of character for her. Imitating the show on the surface without having a deeper understanding of the themes is a common occurrence in this train wreck fic. He does it all the way up until Chapter 5 and 6 with Silver "I'm making motions at the 'camera' because I'm ready for my money shot" Star and tries to break the 4th wall with stupid stuff that would only work if it had an actual audience on TV instead of an actual immersive world like most FIMfiction is written.
Also he's apparently bi polar schizophrenic with split personalities, always a bad sign when you cant even keep a consistent character. That last chunk sounds like some faggot goth lamenting about his emptiness and how other people just cant 'get it' its a jarring change from his cocky asshole attitude and just seems entirely forced for him to get a 'peptalk' from his adoring (((Griffon))) who lost all her cool and calm personality the moment she started fangirling about his speed and how proud she is of him doing stupid magic parkour that goes on for way longer than it needs to.
Well Nigel, we are officially finished with Chapter 1 of your glorious epic. Before moving on, I would like to take a moment to reflect on this chapter and give some final thoughts on it.>>4326
This anon makes a good point:>Imitating the show on the surface without having a deeper understanding of the themes is a common occurrence in this train wreck fic.
This is exactly what bothers me about the way you write. It goes back, again, to what I've said over and over: that before you start writing, you need to have an understanding of what you want to write and why you want to write it. This story is all over the fucking place. You don't understand how to write any of these characters at all. You have a superficial understanding of the world they live in and how it works, and a basic knowledge of their personalities, but it's all just an overlay. You understand them enough to know that Rainbow Dash uses words like "cool" and "awesome", or that Pinkie Pie is generally hyperactive and will speak and behave as such, and you think you can generate a believable fictional world just from that.
You can't just describe an episode of the series the way it looks in your head and expect everyone to love it. Text is a different medium than film or animation. Some visual elements of a cartoon don't translate well into a text-only story, in the same way that some novels don't translate well into film. You also have to be willing to explore your characters a little more, you can't get away with just relying on gags and action and the assumption that the reader already knows who these ponies are. The reader doesn't want to just read some autistic kid's fantasy, they want to be told a story; they want characters they can engage with and feel something for, and a story where shit that's interesting to them actually happens. You have to be willing to go a little deeper than just "Fluttershy is quiet and likes animals." Who is Fluttershy? What are her beliefs and convictions? What is the first thing she thinks about when she gets up in the morning? You have to use your imagination a little to accomplish this. Start with her base character and try to think from her perspective while writing her. Just describing things that might happen in the show the way they would probably happen isn't enough.
The other thing is that you have no idea how to build a story. Basically, you write like a high school kid. You just think up scenarios and events and scenes that you think would be cool in Ponyland, and just have them happen in sequence without trying to adhere to any sort of narrative structure. Chapters are basically as long as you feel like making them. You have a chapter that goes on for like 4,000 words, then you have another that goes on for 32,000 words. You're not telling a story, you're just narrating events in sequence to a reader.
"First I got up today, then I had breakfast, then I got in my car, then I drove to work, but I stopped at the gas station to get a soda. Then I remembered I forgot my badge so I had to drive back home. My roommate was home so I stopped to remind him that he still owes me like $20. Then I grabbed my badge and left. Traffic was bad so it took a while and I was late, then I got to work and my boss was mad because I was late…"
Would you read a novel that told the story like that? The story could actually be about something very exciting, like maybe the guy gets to work and terrorists attack his office or something. It wouldn't matter because the author is telling the story badly. That may be how events would happen if it was real, but in a story you have to assess what to describe and what to skip over. You have to set mood and tone, and build up to whatever the main event is. For instance with your story, was it really necessary to spend probably about two pages describing all the crazy flight tricks Silver does as he's trying to fly across the street? Is there some purpose to including that in the narrative, or did you just write it because you thought it was cool and wanted to write about it? You randomly interject all sorts of things into the story that don't need to be there. You could probably trim this story down to a reasonable length just by cutting out all of Silver's inner monologues and inappropriate rambling about his backstory. All the snide little cracks you throw in about your personal complaints regarding the show don't help either. Don't like Twilight's castle? Why even put it in the story? Just don't mention it. Unless it's going to be a significant location later, there's no reason to even mention that it's there.
The way you end this chapter is badly done too. It just sort of cuts off abruptly, like your microwave tendies were suddenly done cooking and you decided not to write any more. Here's how it ends (this is following the discussion about Daring Do books):>"This just got interesting… " Rainbow said with a daring gleam in her eye, and it faded quickly as she noticed something. "Hey, wait a second… Where's Pinkie Pie?"
You end this like you're ending it on a cliffhanger, but you're not. Just ending a chapter with a question doesn't make it a cliffhanger. The reader isn't wondering where Pinkie Pie is. You barely mention Pinkie Pie to begin with. She doesn't have any speaking parts in the scene. The entire last section of text has been nothing but dialog between RD and Silver talking about Daring Do. The reader has probably forgotten that Pinkie Pie was ever even in this scene. The question is just jarring. It has nothing to do with anything that has happened up to this point and it wasn't on the reader's mind. The chapter doesn't really conclude, the text just sort of randomly stopssee how jarring that was? :^)
>>4327>significance of Twily's castle
If he omitted it, where would he home invade to install a preposterous jaccuzi? We can't have discontinuity XD
>>4327Chapter Two: Literally Thousands of Dicks in My Ass, an Autobiography; by Silver Star
We next find ourselves in the office of Mayor Mare, who apparently is mired in a chasm of existential angst because she feels that Twilight Sparkle's ascension to Princesshood has rendered her role as mayor irrelevant. There is some grumbling about the ostentatious crystal castle (of course, can't miss an opportunity to wedge that in somewhere), and a general sense that having Celestia's star pupil and Equestria's newest Princess residing in the town has pushed her aside and made her position ceremonial.
Since the inner workings of Equestrian politics aren't really addressed in the show, there is some room for creative interpretation here, and you have every right to explore this story angle if you would like. I would personally argue, though, that this is an unlikely way for events to play out. Equestria probably functions similarly to feudalism, in which the ruler technically has supreme power but is not involved in the nuts and bolts of local governments. Ponyville probably has some sort of town charter granted by Celestia which requires them to pay taxes or tithes, but grants the town the right to operate more or less as it sees fit. Also, Twilight's is technically a Princess, but her official title is Princess of Friendship. There may be some implication that she is destined to be Celestia's successor at some point, but I don't get the impression the title comes with much political power for now; I think her job is mostly just to teach ponies about friendship and occasionally fight monsters. In Ponyville she would probably be a local celebrity and not much else. Mayor Mare's office would probably still have the same authority it always had. Anyway, that's enough of my autism, let's get back to yours.
This small paragraph in which we get a glimpse into the Mayor's psyche is actually somewhat funny and decently written. It's good for the same reason your opening bit about Coffee Grounds was good. It gives you a small glimpse into the mind of an incidental character, and for a brief couple of paragraphs get a sense of who that pony is and what their lives are like before returning to the main story. In this case, you also poke fun at some of the many logical inconsistencies you can come up with when you take children's cartoons and overanalyze them, which usually results in some funny observations. This is actually a decent way to inject some light humor into your story and I would encourage you to do more of it; but again, just don't go overboard with it.
Unfortunately, like most of the small nuggets of gold scattered throughout the barren rocky wasteland of this text, the nice thing you manage to create for an instant is immediately buried in shit once the narrative returns to its main focus. Pinkie Pie enters the scene, out of breath and hyperactive as usual, to inform the Mayor that "Ehrmygurd, the most super awesome pony I've ever seen just arrived in Ponyville and I'm so excited!!" This seems to answer the burning question posed at the end of the last chapter, in which we are left to ponder the whereabouts of Ms. Pie. Actually, here is exactly what she says:
>I was out playing with Rainbow Dash but this new silver Unicorn showed up and he was flying and he looked super serious and fancy but I bet he's just really sad and lonely and he's never been in town before so I want to throw him a party because he probably doesn't have any friends in Ponyville yet!
This more or less reads like a line she would actually say despite its content, so good job there I guess. Although Pinkie is usually the easiest of the Mane 6 to write dialog for. Pretty much all you have to do is write a long, rambling run-on sentence and end it with an exclamation mark, and the reader will automatically read it in her voice. But I digress.
It seems we are now sadly back on track. Once again, the principle characters from the series are fawning all over your OC and rubbing his dick, and the Nigelverse is once more as it should be. Whew, for a second I thought I was going to have to keep saying nice things about this. In any event, the only thing we learn from this scene is that Pinkie Pie is just as excited as everypony else will eventually be to learn that Silver "my stool has been pushed so far up my ass by rectal penetration that I can't even fit dicks down my esophagus anymore, but damned if I'm not going to try" Star has come to Ponyville. Yippee.
For reference, the term "Prince" or "Princess" is an abbreviation of the term "Principle" or sovereign in their area of application/expertise. So yes, Princess Twilight is the Principle of Friendship which is a not insignificant title pertaining to an area of magic and experience that is not unheard of to ponies, but the extent and gravity of which has yet to be determined. Having said - and as evidenced by the Movie - she's essentially powerless and a figurehead in matters *not* pertaining to friendship (including governance).
Anyway, just like the last chapter, this one starts on a high note and goes down the shitter quickly. We get even more of your rambling, incoherent narrative style than usual. You know, I really have to say that this scene really is just a complete waste of potential. You go to all that trouble of setting up a scene in the mayor's office, and then we learn that all that is really happening is Pinkie wants to throw Silver a party and doesn't know where he lives. This probably has to do with the fact that he has been in Ponyville all of 30 minutes and hasn't had time to buy a house yet. It makes absolutely no sense. Then, you follow it with this clumsy sequence in which Pinkie tries to follow Silver around but can't sneak up on him, because of his rad ninja skills. The scene concludes with Pinkie deciding to have the party at Applejack's.
This all goes back to what I was saying in my previous post about how you just flat out have no fucking idea how to build a story. This narrative goes absolutely everywhere and nowhere. You just lay out sequences of events without bothering to filter which ones are important and which ones contribute nothing to the overall story. It's just long, rambling autism.
"Silver was sitting in his office in his skyscraper one day, when his assistant came in and told him that he had to go to a meeting. He was all like, I don't want to go, but then his assistant said he had to go. So he put on his rocket skis or whatever and flew all across the town for like fifteen minutes doing barrel rolls and loop de loops, until eventually he went in and had the meeting. He cheated three ponies out of their livelihoods and made himself slightly richer than he was already. Then, he decided he was bored so he went to Ponyville. When he got to Ponyville, he met Rainbow Dash and they talked about books, and also Pinkie Pie was there but she ran off somewhere. Then, the Mayor of Ponyville was sitting in her office contemplating the absurdity of existence when Pinkie Pie suddenly came in. She wanted to know where Silver Star lived but the Mayor didn't know, so she left. Then, she tried to follow Silver Star around town but Silver was too much of a ninja and she couldn't sneak up on him, so she decided to just have a party at Applejack's for him. Then she went back to work because she was on her break this whole time."
That is a literal, accurate synopsis of your story to this point. Literally what the fuck am I reading?!? We are thousands of words into this thing at this point and we don't even have a hint as to what it's ultimately about. I don't think even you know, or rather I think that it never occurred to you to make it about anything. It's just a long string of disconnected scenes and a general chronology of events which you are just going to keep writing until you decide to call it finished. You have no central theme, no structure, and no plot. Here's an assignment for you: read a novel some time. Pay attention to how the author lays it out. Notice how each thing that happens in the story is significant and each individual scene contributes to the telling of a greater story. Notice how characters don't just randomly spout nonsensical dialog that has nothing to do with the story. Notice how the author doesn't randomly dump personal opinions or long autistic descriptions of cool things the main character can do into long paragraphs that distract from the story. Notice how the entire work appears to have been planned to some extent.
That's not to say that there's anything necessarily wrong with just shooting from the hip; some writers methodically outline every scene, some just sort of wing it. Stephen King, from what I understand, just sort of pulls his stories out of his ass as he goes, and he seems to be doing well enough for himself. But I guarantee you he at least thinks about what his story will ultimately be about and what the general sequence of events is going to be before he starts writing.
Also:>Mayor Mare shrugged, and went back to thinking of titles for the autobiography she'd get time to write some day. The Mayor of… Mayor… Mayor… Mayords? Maids? Mayor Mare 2: Mare Harder? The Autobiography of Unparallelled Mayorosity? No, those were terrible. 'The Mare Wearing the Mayorly Mask' was far better. Then again… Could she top that?
>Mayor… Revealed. Mayor Unmasked. Mayor Mare The Mayor and the Town That Needed A Mayor. Mayor Mare And The Night Of A Thousand Mayors. Mayor, Mayor, Mayor. Mayor, Mayor, I'm a Mayor, said Mayor Mayor I'm a Mayor. Mayor Unleashed. Crimson Mayor. Mayor of Mayors. Mayornnaise. Mayornado.
It's like you're just letting your cat walk around on your keyboard at this point. Although if that's the case maybe you should just let him finish the story for you.
My understanding is that the term "Prince/Princess" derives from "Principate", which is what Augustus Caesar called his government to avoid proclaiming himself Emperor like Julius did. The idea is that most or all of the government's power rests in a principal individual. It was somewhat different from a monarch in that the power rested in the title rather than the man, and the role was not inherently hereditary. It would be similar to a President consolidating the powers of Congress and the Judiciary into the role of President and then using those powers to decree that the presidency could be held for life. I suspect words like "principle", "principality", and even "Principal (as in Principal Celestia)" all have their root in the same basic term, so your definition as "principle in their sovereign area of application/expertise" seems pretty spot on.
Oh yeah, that orange gem parody is sure making sense now. I cant tell you how fucking annoying it is to read that tripe, like when does it end? The joke ended after the first 10 times of slightly different way to say or combine 'Mayor' with another word. Just makes me want to drop it and throttle the author not read further.
Op inspired me to start writing. Here's an excerpt:
The silo's just went up in flames, kabooooooom Katatatatatatataatatatatata. "INCOMING" The sarge exclaimed, then suddenly Nooooooo!. Nooooooo! SARGE!!!!, Jimmy cried as Sergeant Memphis fell to the ground, minus 1 head. "YOU BASTARDS" said Jimmy the red shirt wearing private as he ran towards the fire shooting in a blaze of glorious revenge. The insurgents shells,shot from Patria AMOS PT1s , were impacting left and right, but this did not stop Private Jimmy on his suicide mission to revenge his fallen and headless friend Sergeant Memphis. Whilst shooting 3 enemy combatants in the head he cried, "Fucking eat my lead" and "Game over, you terrorist Muslim scum". Then he reached for 3 hand grenades from his US navy Issue Grenade belt Model number 2332/A1. He pulled the pins and swallowed them in order to shit out the cause for his enemies death later on and with an elegant move he simultaneously ducked and throw the armed grenades towards the scared and cowardly towel-heads.
Too low-effort for me. King Battlebrit did a great job of parodying OP, but that was just sort of…a badly choreographed CoD cutscene with bad grammar.
You are wrong. This piece has stakes, ideology, conflict and goals, all while expressing character development. It is better than anything written in this thread.
No sooner does Pinkie Pie go off to plan her surprise party for Silver "I once shoved an entire bag of marbles up my ass because I wanted to rapid-fire shit them all into the toilet bowl at once to give my neighbor war flashbacks and also because I love putting things up my ass in general" Star, then who should appear in Mayor Mare's office but Silver "seriously one time I shoved an entire Subway™ Footlong Spicy Italian™ up there and that Jared guy stopped by later and fisted me but that was unrelated" Star. Wow, if only he'd made his dramatic entrance just a few minutes (seconds? hours? I really get no sense of time whatsoever from this narrative) earlier then they wouldn't have missed each other. Ha! Ha! Ha! What a zany comedy of errors this is turning out to be.
Anyway, then we get what is quite possibly the most underwhelming and pointless exchange in this entire narrative rife with underwhelming and pointless exchanges:>“Hi, my name is Silver Star, I'm a businesspony from Canterlot, I'm rich, and I'd like to build a vacation home for myself here, while also setting up a wildly successful enchanted item store, vastly improving the local economy… If that's alright with you, of course.”>“Okay,” She said. stunned.
Well, I'm glad we got that settled. I know that's how I usually get my building permits. Anyway, since obviously Silver can't be fucked to even stick around and sign his own paperwork, he summons some kind of magical blue bird thing to sign the documents. However, apparently the blue bird thing also
can't be fucked to actually sign the documents, so she summons…you know what, I'll just quote it:>From the growing blue void, a Silver Star emerged like a boyband emerging from the stage's floor, as if he'd been standing on an invisible elevator that slowly and dramatically rose. When he was through, the blue void vanished anticlimactically, the sound stopping instantly, white trails of energy fading away.>“What just happened?” Mayor Mare asked.>“I breached the boundaries of time and causality, and pulled into this reality a Silver that never was, but could have been. This is the Silver that will sign your documents, the Silver from the potential reality that chose to do so before leaving,” She explained, lying. She had actually used an overdramatic illusion spell, and then summoned a Silver replica from the building where he stored the ones that didn't fade away, burst, or get absorbed after completing their tasks. However, she could have performed the feat she described, if Silver desired it.
Jesus Fucking Christ Nigel. Where do you even come up with this stuff? See, here's the problem: this isn't funny enough to be considered humor, and it makes too little sense to be taken seriously. Not only do you waste space on the page writing long, intricate descriptions of events that are blatantly unnecessary for the scene you're writing, most of the time the scenes are themselves blatantly unnecessary. Forget all the confusing shit about the magical bird and the clone of Silver from another timeline or whatever the fuck happens; does your story even need
this scene in the first place? Where literally all that happens is Silver signs some paperwork and gets a building permit from the Mayor? Why include that in the story? The only information this conveys is that Silver bought some land to build a house and a store on. Are you going to cover the construction of the house as well? How about a scene where Silver buys homeowner's insurance? Ooh, and I absolutely can't wait to read about his exciting trip to the hardware store to buy drywall paste!
You don't need to put mundane details like this into a story. Just because something happens doesn't mean you need to write about it. You could have just written a scene that covers anything important that happens on the day Silver arrives in Ponyville (protip: from what I've read this is basically nothing), then advance time about a week, and rejoin Silver in his new house, or his new shop. You wouldn't need to explain how Silver got his building permits; you can simply mention that time has passed and he has a house and a shop now. The reader can fit the rest of it together himself. And don't waste things like magical familiars and complex illusion spells on crap like this. I know you think it's cute or funny or something but it's just autistic. Trust me, nobody but you is laughing.
Incidentally, doing this would have made the previous scene involving Pinkie Pie less awkward. If I'm following the sequence of events correctly, first Silver makes his grand entrance in Ponyville. The first ponies he meets are Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie. Silver stops and chats with Dash for a bit. Pinkie wanders off at some point during their autistic conversation. This is where it gets confusing.
Apparently she flies directly to the Mayor's office to ask the Mayor where Silver lives. She just saw him arrive probably within the last hour, why would she assume he would even have a place to stay yet? Why would she assume the Mayor would know? Then she tries to follow him around for a bit, the timeline here is unclear because it seems to imply that he's no longer with RD. Then, he goes to the Mayor's office to apparently declare his intent to build a house. Why do that? Even if he's rich enough to just buy property the way anyone else would buy a sandwich, wouldn't it still make more sense for him to look around town to see if there's land for sale, instead of barging into the Mayor's office? Nothing about this scene makes sense. Now, if you just had Silver arrive in Ponyville, then skip a couple of weeks to where he's established, and then
have Pinkie throw a welcome party for the new pony in town, that would make sense.
This seems like as good a time as any to address your technique of description.
As I and several others have mentioned before, description is one of the few things you actually do well. Your problem is that you have no idea what to focus your powers of description on. Here, I'm going to give you a quick example of misuse of description:The porcelain sink stood tall and majestic, towering above the black and white checkerboard pattern of the bathroom floor. Designed in 1925 by the Kohler corporation, this magnificent old pedestal sink rose gracefully from the floor in a fluted base, and then spread out gracefully like a tulip, collecting dripping water from its faucets as a real tulip would catch the morning dew. Separate hot and cold water spouts, a common feature of older sinks, reached out over the bowl like twin talons glinting in the light of the Possini lighting fixture mounted above. A total of four Philips head screws held the fixture in place, so that it remained attached to the ceiling, cascading warm and inviting light down onto the white porcelain of the sink below, like a cold winter sun shining wanly upon a field of fresh snow.
Next to the sink lay the dead body of Mrs. James, the house's current owner. Her throat had been cut.
You could probably say that the first paragraph is a good descriptive paragraph. It's phrased elegantly and paints a clear picture in the reader's mind of what it wants them to see. It even sets a mood; the line comparing the porcelain to snow and the light to a cold winter sun gives the reader the impression of a story set in winter. However, since presumably the story is going to be about the murder of Mrs. James, do I really need to spend that much time describing what the bathroom sink looked like? Or, alternatively, if I want to write about sinks, should I have even mentioned the body?
What if I were to be less of a cheeky bastard about this, and give as much description to the dead body as I do to the sink? Let's take a look:The porcelain sink stood tall and majestic, towering above the black and white checkerboard pattern of the bathroom floor. Designed in 1925 by the Kohler corporation, this magnificent old pedestal sink rose gracefully from the floor in a fluted base, and then spread out gracefully like a tulip, collecting dripping water from its faucets as a real tulip would catch the morning dew. Separate hot and cold water spouts, a common feature of older sinks, reached out over the bowl like twin talons glinting in the light of the Possini lighting fixture mounted above. A total of four Philips head screws held the fixture in place, so that it remained attached to the ceiling, cascading warm and inviting light down onto the white porcelain of the sink below, like a cold winter sun shining wanly upon a field of fresh snow.
Near the base of the sink, a woman's outstretched hand, motionless and pale, pointed its fingers up towards the ceiling. The red paint on her fingernails stood in sharp contrast to the snow white of her icy skin, a cold and frozen wasteland spattered with sudden drops of crimson. Thick, viscous blood of a similar hue pooled on the floor around her, oozing slowly outward from the ragged gash in her neck.
Alright, I'm going to stop there because this example is veering quickly into edgelord territory. But you get the point; she's dead, and it's probably not natural causes. The second paragraph actually conveys less information than the single sentence from the first example, since we do not yet know her name or that she's the owner of the house. However, despite communicating less information, the second paragraph does a much better job of setting tone and drawing the reader into the narrative. However, we've still got some problems. Read the entire example, the bit about the sink as well as the bit about Mrs. James.
Both paragraphs are well written, evoke mood, and paint a vivid picture. However, they are sort of competing with each other for the reader's attention. One is about a body, one is about a sink. Which is more important to the story? Well, we can probably assume that we're not writing about sinks, so if we're going to trim from anything it should be the first paragraph. However, it still has some salvageable elements. The white porcelain, the bathroom light as a cold winter sun, these are good images for a murder scene.
So what do we get rid of? Well, the reader probably doesn't give a shit what year the sink was made, who built it, how many faucets it has, or how many screws are holding the fucking light in place, so all that shit can go. Simply mentioning that it's a pedestal sink is probably enough to give the reader an image, so we don't need to go into detail about how it flutes up gracefully or whatever the fuck. Plus, the analogy of the tulip collecting morning dew conflicts with our winter theme, so let's lose that bit as well. Now, we take what's left and work it into the paragraph about the dead body. In our next episode, we'll take a look at what our scene has become.
>>4340The pristine pedestal sink rose like a headstone over the frigid expanse of black and white tile. An outstretched hand, equally pale and cold and devoid of life, clawed emptily toward the ceiling. The violent red paint on the fingernails stood in stark contrast to the white expanse of flesh and the tower of porcelain, as did the thick, viscous blood which pooled on tile and ran in warm rivulets down frozen skin. High above, the ceiling fixture cast a harsh light on the scene below, a cold winter sun shining mercilessly down on crimson-spattered snow.
Anyway, apart from putting ourselves in the mood to listen to gloomy goth music with the lights out, what did we accomplish here? Well, basically we have learned how to take two vividly descriptive yet conflicting paragraphs and work them into harmony with each other, as well as learning how to selectively include and exclude elements from our narrative. In addition to the fact that we now have only one paragraph where we formerly had two, also note the economy of words. At it's absolute longest point, when we had two highly descriptive paragraphs, our narrative text was 213 words long. The final paragraph we wound up with is only 96. We more than halved the number of words we wrote, yet we doubled it's impact, all while removing much of the explicit description. The lengthy descriptions of the sink obviously are gone, but you'll notice that we also removed mention of the gash in the woman's neck and we never explicitly state that anyone is dead. However, nobody reading this paragraph could possibly mistake it for anything but a description of a murder scene.
What did we keep? Imagery. Anything related to snow, ice, winter, or coldness stayed in. Anything warm or pleasant was dropped. Not only does this convey our implied setting of literal winter, it also helps to reinforce the images of death and instill subconscious unease in the reader. Winter is the death of the year, and the season of winter is harsh and unforgiving. Things die in winter, and the winter sun, even at its brightest, provides little warmth. In Asian cultures, white is the color of death; in Western cultures black is. We have both black and white appearing in the bathroom tile, and there is an implied comparison of the tile floor to the cold, hard earth during winter. The comparison of the pedestal sink to a tombstone has already got the reader thinking of this scene as a grave. See how this shit works?
Frankly, your subconscious does a lot of the work, so it's not like you need to spend hours sitting around thinking up color symbolism for all of your themes. I wasn't even thinking about the symbolic meaning of black or white or winter when I pulled this idea out of my ass, this idea pretty much just started as "I'm going to describe a murder scene in a bathroom, but focus on the bathroom fixtures instead of the dead body." I just arbitrarily made the floor tiles black and white because I instinctively felt that it would be a better choice than flower-printed 1970s linoleum. The shit about the bathroom light being a winter sun just randomly popped into my head and I added it because I liked it. Just practice doing shit like this and after a while you'll start doing it without even thinking. You can even generate story ideas this way, just sit down and write the first thing that pops into your head, then try to revise it into something worthwhile.
The important thing is to always go back over what you wrote, again and again. Look at each paragraph with a magnifying glass. Is this the best way to say what I want to say? Do I really need this sentence about water faucets? Is this 32,000 word ideological argument or this weird scene about a magical blue bird signing paperwork really essential to the story? What do I want to communicate with this text, and how can I make every word in it work to communicate it? That's what you should be thinking about. Even this example paragraph I wouldn't call quite done yet. It's better than what we started with, but it could still probably stand to be tweaked a little bit, I just don't personally feel like messing with it any further. Plus, it's starting to put me in kind of a gloomy mood. I might have to go watch some ponies. Anyway.
Read back over the first paragraph, the one about Kohler sinks and whatever. We started with a shitpost, and we wound up with something that could probably serve as a decent opening paragraph to a mystery novel, or at least a mystery novel for edgy goth teenagers. Granted, how to use winter as symbolism for death is probably not something that will come up much in My Little Pony fanfiction, but the same principles apply no matter what you're writing about.
When I tell you to trim your text down, Nigel, this is what I'm talking about. When I tell you to filter your ideas and thoughts, Nigel, this is what I'm talking about. Nigel? NIGEL? Are you listening Nigel?
Another thing that the winter metaphors appeals to is the huwite man's innate sense of danger that's inherent to the life of a race of hunters and farmers whose lives are spent fending off predators in the dark forests and snowy landscapes. That is a huge cultural thing for us, influenced by the fact our blue eyes are more sensitive to light and our light skin is most comfortable in cool environments with less direct sunlight.
There's so much meaning that we western people apply to the winter metaphors because it appeals to our aesthetic focus and our history, both cultural and genetic, of being in such stark, quiet yet not safe situations. It has the potential to be beautiful.
An apt metaphor for this thread is that you are the literary equivalent of Gordon Ramsey (well, you may not be that
good, but bear with me) and Nigel is one of those horrible chefs he yells at. 90% of the time chefs don't care about the opinion of a Michelin-star, world-famous chef and instinctively defend their cooking, refusing to bear criticism.
To put Nigel's writing in culinary terms, the meat is raw, the seasoning is overwhelming and tasteless, the vegetables have been frozen and reheated and are disgusting, and everything is mushy, practically a slurry.
So, next up we've got a short conversation in which you use dialog between RD and Silver "shove a spatula up my ass and flip my hotcakes" Star to apparently insert some snide commentary on the state of modern video games into the story. The dialog itself is decently written for what it is; it seems like your dialog is generally at its least awful when you're having your characters talk about autism hobbies you enjoy, rather than complain about aspects of the show you don't like. In any event this scene is at about an appropriate length for what it is, it's decently written and I have no major complaints about it.
Next, Pinkie Pie shows up out of the blue with her welcome wagon, which is described in pretty exhaustive detail. Again, description is something you do reasonably well so no huge complaints there either. I would personally cut out the bit before this scene starts though, the little five-line interlude where Ponk is going through the process of getting the welcome wagon out and leaving Sugar Cube Corner with it. It goes back to what I was saying earlier about learning how to leave stuff out that isn't really necessary.
For instance, imagine you're writing a story where Mr. Jones and Mrs. Jones are out walking around the neighborhood, when Mr. Smith pulls up in his car and starts talking to them. Even if the text does not explicitly describe Mr. Smith getting his keys, starting his engine and backing his car out of the garage, the reader will probably just assume that he did these things based on the fact that he's driving his car. Again, just because something happens as part of a logical sequence of events, you don't necessarily need to include it in the text of the story. Events that the reader could reasonably infer took place, whose description doesn't contribute anything to the overarching narrative, can generally be left out.
Anyway, Ponk does her little "Welcome to Ponyville" routine, and naturally you take the time to mention that Silver "just flip me over and pretend I'm a mare if you don't want it to be gay" Star can immediately visualize the mechanical workings of Pinkie's welcome wagon as she's performing with it, because if you don't remind the reader of how awesome Silver is every 100 words or so they might start to forget. And just in case the point wasn't driven home, Pinkie fires off a burst of harmless confetti as her grand finale, which Silver interprets as an attack, so he casually launches some kind of magical shockwave, realizes his mistake, and casually calls it back. Have I mentioned that I hate this character yet?
So, with what I can only assume would have been a nuclear holocaust vaporizing the entire town of Ponyville and every last adorable little poner living in it very narrowly avoided, Ponk invites Silver to AJ's barn at 6pm and disappears. Naturally, now that the information that a party is happening later has been conveyed to the reader, you have no further need for Ponk and make her disappear abruptly from the story for now. Rather than say something about, oh I don't know, something that might restore my faith that this entire shoddy universe wasn't constructed for the sole purpose of stroking your OC's dick, Rainbow Dash instead immediately takes this moment to ask Silver about his fucking horseshoes. Yep, that's right, not even an "Oh Pinkie, you so crazy!" or a "That's our Pinkie Pie!" from Dash, we just move straight on into an ornate explanation of how Silver's magical horseshoes allow him to slow down time and control the fucking weather. Have I mentioned that I hate this character yet?
Okay, it looks like you do take a moment for Silver to ask RD about Ponk. However, for reference, you spend 289 words explaining the mechanics of horseshoes imbued with the powers of quantum space travel to an audience that didn't ask. 47 words is all you can spare on having Rainbow introduce one of her closest friends to your protagonist, a friend who, might I add, just went to the trouble of organizing an impromptu welcoming party for him.
>“So, who was that?”>“That's Pinkie Pie, she's one of my best friends. She runs Sugarcube Corner, they sell cakes and stuff.”>“Is there any particular reason why she said to visit a barn, of all places?”>“Guess it was the only place open tonight.” She shrugged.
That's it, that's all the interest Silver shows in the pony he just met who is throwing him a party just because. Rainbow isn't much better of course, but since she's pretty much just a Rainbow Dash sockpuppet whose only role in the story is to tell Silver he's awesome, we can probably forgive her for that.
Anyways, literally the next line is this ridiculous shit:
>“Huh. Well, if you want to see how great I am at building homes fast, you can watch me build my new home.”>That didn't exactly sound like fun, but… “How fast?” Rainbow wondered.>“If it takes me longer than two minutes, I'll buy you a cupcake.” Silver gloated.>“You're on!”
Holy shit, I was just kidding about turning the literal construction of the house into an actual scene. Please tell me he's not going to the hardware store after this.
Jesus Christ, no wonder this travesty is so damn long. You literally put anything into the story that you think would be cool to have in.if post ends in significant digits Starlight Glimmer is officially a member of /mlpol/'s roster of adopted characters
>>4345>well, you may not be that good, but bear with me
I don't presume to be an expert writer by any stretch of the imagination, I'm not quite as arrogant about my abilities as I might be coming across in this thread. But I feel like I'm at least a competent amateur.
I dunno, are slot trips significant enough for you?
It's official: Nigel's sperginess just led to the Glimmer Era. ;y
You are intentionally making all of the participants show their complete, utter stupidity, save for the irreconcilable fact that glimshit is the single most pathetic mary sue OC design in the first place. Please, continue feeding Nigel as he's feeding you as you're feeding him as he's feeding you.>>4352
(You) are cancer.
Oh shit, I didn't even notice that I replied to trips with my own trips. Mods, can we make this a thing now? xdd
I kinda forgot there was a second thread. What's going on in this thread?
Get comfy and read, you're getting just what you asked for
Welcome back, Nigel, feel free to read the thread if you'd like to get up to speed.
>Silver landed in the center of the land his document-signing clone had bought for him with grace and style, a pretty nice place with a pleasant yellow thatched-roof cottage surrounded by verdant grass, a few big trees, and the odd patch of pink flowers.
Sounds like a nice place. I'll be curious to see how Silver "shove a Louisville Slugger™ up my ass, zombie corpse of Lou Gehrig, it's always been my fantasy wait was that disease contagious? oh well I already have like ten strains of AIDS" Star plans to ruin it.
>It was a peaceful, idyllic scene, and Silver glanced back at the camera to smirk as he raised a hoof, spawning into existence a pocketwatch.
Oh god what now
>His horn lit up with a blazing blue aura>His horn lit up with a brilliant blue light
You don't need to say this twice. His horn was fucking blue, we get it.
Anyway, I'll spare everyone the play-by-play of this autism. Basically, Silver summons a bunch of clones and birds and God only knows what the fuck else, and of course uses his heavenly cosmic power to tear up the quaint little country cottage he just purchased and construct some kind of all-metal monstrosity shaped like his own head.
At this point he decides that it's not big enough
and tries to enlarge it somehow, screws it up, tears it down, starts over, and finally ends up with some kind of ugly metal cube structure. Actually, here's the literal description you give:>a two-storey cube-shaped house with metallic-blue metal walls and orange windows.
I'll remind everyone that this building was constructed by the same pony who just a few short pages ago was complaining about Twilight's crystal castle being an eyesore. As with everything else Silver does in this story, the entire monumental project is accomplished without his needing to expend any actual effort, and the only reason it's included in the narrative is to show off the fact that he can do it. Because in case you haven't realized it yet, SILVER HAS ALL THE POWERS AND IS THE GREATEST PONY IN THE HISTORY OF PONIES. Oh, he also sings a fucking song while he does all this.
>Aquilla finally caught up with him and landed beside him like a pet owl, admiring the building, then she snapped her claws and warped large metal shipping containers in through gold portals. Fox ponies began opening the containers and telekinetically taking out swords, shields, hammers, helmets, axes, whips, steamrollers the size of swords, swords the size of steamrollers, and a kitchen sink.
This paragraph and the next one are in italics for some reason, and I can't for the life of me figure out why.
>He glanced back at his building and noticed that he'd somehow shaped this building into a massive sculpture of his own head, the house inside it, and he frowned.
Wait, what? I thought we already…the head thing was torn down…wait, what?
>His horn lit up, designating a point at the center of the building and turning it into a blue magical cube that grew larger every second, quickly engulfing a quarter of the building…
Wait a minute. This is the same exact paragraph that appears earlier. Verbatim. And it's italicized. Is this a mistake or is this intentional? Do you even read the shit you write before you post it? Wait a minute, it's not even quoted verbatim…
Jesus H. Christ. I reread this section 4 times and I still don't understand what the fuck is going on. There are slight differences between the italicized paragraph and the non-italicized that appears earlier, so you rewrote what you wrote instead of just copypasting it. That means you deliberately wrote the same paragraph twice. WHY??? I don't understand what you're trying to do here. I'm not even trying to make fun of you anymore, I'm just trying to UNDERSTAND.
>The fox ponies arranged themselves into groups of four, their horns lighting up. The eyes of birds flashed as they converged upon summoned palanquins, falling into the multicolored magical grips of the fox ponies, Silver leaping towards the chair in the center and posing.>Make a home, make a home>WE'RE SKIPPING THIS PART, IT BORES ME TO THE BONE.
Now imagine how the rest of us feel.
>His sudden outburst surprised the birds and foxes, but they rolled with it, musicians speeding their movements up with magic to rush bars out at 340 BPM before returning to their previous pace as Silver's magic bodily picked up one female red fox-pony, dipped her tail in a summoned can of white paint, and used her to paint his building's walls grey.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS I DON'T EVEN
>When it was over, he blew a gust of air up at his red-hot horn with a smirk, and sat on his haunches, admiring his work
Daily reminder that the only demonstrable real-world trait you've given this pony is an intense desire to avoid having to do any actual work, and that includes improvement to his own moral character.
>I built this home, I built this home>Yes, I did
Literally no, you didn't.
>With my friends, I built this home>Yes, I did!
Slaves, actually, not friends. And they built it, not you. But you're getting warmer.
Before I conclude, I would just like to say that I have a friend who offered to help me with this analysis. In order to get up to speed on the text, he tried to run it through some Chrome app he has that condenses text and speedreads it to you somehow. Doing that with this story literally broke his brain; he's traumatized now. He may never be the same again.
The last thing I received from him was this webcam footage:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E51-2B8gHtk
I read chapter 6 in 30 minutes. My mind is mush. Sleeping did not help, nor caffeine or sugar. Im almost catatonic. I thought my program was broken when it kept repeating the same sentences 5+ times in a row. Brb catatonic.
>“Hold on, Spike. Silver Unicorn, pointy orange mane with an orange flame at the front, with a yellow star on it, blue eyes, a constellation of orange and yellow stars for a Cutie Mark?” Twilight asked hopefully.
Oh God. Oh Christ. This is where it begins. This is the genesis point of the worst ship that has ever been attempted in almost a decade's worth of the terrible ships this fandom has come up with. If ships were literal ships, the Twilight/Silver ship would be the unholy love child of the Titanic and the Lusitania. May our just and merciful God grant us swift speeds and iceberg-infested waters.
Unsurprisingly, when Spike informs Twilight that a fancy new unicorn has just flown into town on a fucking comet, and built a house in under two minutes using clones of himself, she is beyond giddy to learn that this fudge-packing faggot of a unicorn is none other than the world-famous Silver "toss a quarter down my cavernous asshole and make a wish, you will literally never hear it hit the bottom" Star. Spike is elated to learn that there is finally someone in Ponyville who is a bigger faggot than he is, but even he was unprepared to learn of the depths of sodomous debauchery to which this cum-guzzling semen sponge of a unicorn has plumbed in his life.
Apparently, he has written a grand total of 200 books, in between splitting the atom and fighting cattle rustlers and running a massive corporation and drumming for Def Leppard. However I'm guessing if he writes anything like you, like 90% of what he writes is pure autism that has no connection to anything. Anyway, naturally, Twilight has read all of his books and her horsegina is already quivering at the thought of being able to live in the same town as his mighty meatsnack.
Nigel, I'm beginning to think I might owe you an apology. I've both implied and explicitly stated multiple times that you have no talent as a writer. However, it appears I may have been mistaken. For over the course of the next several paragraphs, you create a back and forth between Spike and Twilight, in which they continuously one-up each other over who knows the most trivia about the myriad exploits of Silver "just shove entire ears of corn up my ass, everypony else does" Star. The fact that you are able to make canon series characters lick every single square micron of your OC's balls and cock while he's not even in the room is, frankly, it's own particular type of talent.
Just so we are all on the same page here, I am going to list the accomplishments attributed to Silver, according to Spike and Twilight:>author of 200 books>inventor of a new type of evolutionary transformative spell, whatever the hell that means>Seven-time Grandmaster of the royal Duelling Circuit>owner and founder of his own magical duelling circuit>shaved the Royal Duelling Circuit's owner's head with his own spellblade at Glitterfest 2010 (literally wat?)>single-hoofedly revolutionized the field of summoning magic (with his dick)>created over a thousand spells (with his dick)>made his own chain of enchanted item stores>inventor of some type of magical buttsex arena, called temporal echoes or some shit who even cares>apparently owns patents to numerous to number>has apparently also written history books too numerous number on top of his original finitely-numbered 200 books>plays in a heavy metal band (holy shit I was joking about the Def Leppard thing)>set up magic schools in Canterlot>has campaigned for various political reforms (most probably having to do with sodomy laws)>brought criminals to justice (except himself of course)>creates interactive comics>passed the "impossible test" at the Blah blah academy of something something who gives a shit
Ordinarily I'd make some kind of snarky remark about you blatantly ripping off Captain Kirk's backstory, but frankly it's nice to see you ripping off something that isn't Naruto or Pokeshit for once. It shows growth, sort of. Oh, wait, you specifically make a point of mentioning that he didn't cheat the way Kirk did. I stand corrected, this is clearly a completely original work.
Anyway, this next paragraph should really be quoted verbatim:>nopony knows how he did it! He didn't have his magical system jump-started by the shock from a sonic rainboom, he didn't tap into some incredible potential power he was born with, he only had his wits and his determination to win, and he outsmarted a test nopony in over a thousand years has ever been able to pass!
Yep, you all read that correctly. Silver "I make plaster casts of my dick and sell them as wands to Harry Potter fans" Star's backstory has officially been recognized as cooler than Twilight Sparkle's, by none other than Twilight Sparkle herself. Anyway, naturally Twilight is beside herself with giddiness, so much so that she puts on her absolute fanciest of fancy fancy dresses to go and completely prostrate herself before Silver's almighty munchkin dong.
Jesus fuck. If I ever have a kid, I am going to lock him in his room and make him read portions of this when he misbehaves. No, scratch that, if I did that I would probably be arrested for child abuse.
Poor Twilight does not deserve this.
Not as bad(?) as in the other thread ( >>166259 ), here's a complete list of Nigel's posts ITT>>4045>>4046>>4048>>4050>>4054>>4078>>4080>>4082>>4085>>4098>>4100>>4101>>4103>>4104>>4111>>4113>>4120>>4126>>4222>>4262>>4317>>4358There's less of them cuz he abandoned thread once his precious fic started getting dissected, then came back in the last post on the list to posture like he'd forgotten he was getting BTFO
>For Silver Star, seeing Applejack again after all these years was like getting a magically-accelerated steel rod launched at terminal velocity right into his soul
So, apparently Silver knows Applejack from someplace. I'm assuming since you specifically refer to him as Silver Star Apple in the title, the implication is that Silver gives himself Nestle Quik™ enemas and hangs around by the docks asking sailors if they would like to churn some chocolate butter. I also assume you are implying that Silver is somehow related to the Apple family. Even though most members of the Apple family have names and/or cutie marks that revolve around apples, and absolutely nothing about your character even remotely suggests apples to anyone. Or maybe that's going to be some crazy big reveal at some point, maybe it will turn out that his cutie mark was apples the whole time or something, who knows. I'm ashamed to admit I'm legitimately curious to find out.
Anyway, with about your usual level of narrative prowess, Silver just randomly shows up at Applejack's barn, Applejack politely greets him and leads him to the barn, and that's a scene. Have I ever mentioned that you have absolutely no idea how to tell a story? Because you have absolutely no idea how to tell a story. This scene is pretty much classic clumsily-written Nigel prose, where a character just shows up at a location, another character is there, and the text proceeds to just tell us what happens with absolutely no dialog and nothing even remotely interesting happening for several paragraphs.
I guess he's here because of the party that is being thrown on his behalf, which at least makes sense, but as usual your characters never emote or say or do anything particularly interesting. We are informed that Silver is overcome with some level of emotion at seeing AJ after all this time, which he has to contain because he doesn't want her to know it's him for whatever the fuck reason, I'm assuming this will be explained eventually. But AJ herself just behaves like an empty emotionless robot reading lines or performing actions, much like Twilight in most of the scenes she's been in, and Pinkie in the scenes she's been in. Your characters are hardly ever believable; you have them walk around and do stuff, or give them lines to say, and occasionally they sound or act like their counterparts in the show, but it's never convincing; your characters just don't speak or act the way real people(ponies) would. I can only think of two instances in this story so far where you've written dialog where the characters behave like living beings: the scene with RD where she's talking to Silver about Daring Do books, and the previous scene where Twilight and Spike are arguing over who can deepthroat Silver's cock the longest.
In both instances it's possible to read the dialog being spoken and imagine the character it's associated with actually saying it, mostly because it's one of the rare occasions where you have these characters talking about something they're interested in or excited about, rather than just delivering lines that convey information. This is probably because in both of these scenes you have them talking about things that you yourself are interested in; spergy fanboy autism in the case of the RD/Silver conversation, and your old goto topic, "how awesome is Silver Star?", in the case of Spike/Twilight.
Stop trying to write interdimensional space epics and just spend some time learning how to write convincing stories where two or more characters interact with each other. Look at the show itself. Except for the season openers and closers where most of the big villains appear, the vast majority of episodes are constructed around simple premises you could explain in single sentence. Applejack and Rainbow Dash have a race. Twilight has five friends and only two gala tickets. Fluttershy wants to sing but has stage fright. The stories are simple, but the events that happen in the stories are not what the episodes are about. As I've said before, this is primarily a show about these individual characters and how they interact with each other. Part of the reason the show has gone downhill imo is that the writers have forgotten that to a large extent and just keep adding dumb gimmicks.
Once you've got that figured out you can write all the crazy space epics you want, maybe even one that someone besides you might actually want to read. Anyway, moving on. Silver shows up, an emotionless paper doll that looks like Applejack leads him to the barn, and then suddenly:
>"SURPRISE!!!" Six ponies and one Dragon and a bunch of other less-important ponies suddenly called out.
Oh, that's a nice way to phrase it. "The six ponies I barely give a shit about, their dragon sidekick and a bunch of background characters threw my faggot OC a party. Cool."
Why are you even writing in this universe, anyway? Serious question btw. It seems like you'd rather be writing in the universe of Naruto or Pokemon or Sonic the Hedgehog. Your pony universe is basically just shit you've ripped off from Naruto and Pokemon and Sonic the hedgehog blended into a smoothie of autism with a thin skin of Pony on top. Seriously, why ponies? Why these characters? You don't seem to honestly give a shit about any of them at all, you just want to write shonen manga stories about cool guys with cool powers getting into cool battle scenes. It honestly makes about as much sense as a ten year old girl who wants to write stories about everyday friendship problems setting her story in the Dragonball Z universe.
I don't think Nigel has any more idea of how to write Applejack than the vast majority of the fanbase or even the show staff do, hence why she's an emotionless robot. I mean, he can't write any of them properly, but my best guess is that he's gonna give Applejack an entirely new personality when she realises who Silver "I need to shove as many things in my anus as possible to see how wide it can stretch for science" Star is that no one has ever seen before except him, even her closest family members to cover up his inability to write rural characters.
I'd like to take a moment and go over this paragraph:>In front of the party table, there was a pink pony, looking absolutely overjoyed. To her left, there was What's-Her-Name, the shy yellow Pegasus who was a model for a while(Not that he paid much attention to fashion… and now, he wished he'd at least bothered to try and remember her name) and a white Unicorn he recognized as Rarity(He certainly paid attention to the business world, and he'd heard of the self-taught fashionista from Ponyville who had managed to get several influential ponies on her side, making a name for herself despite her humble beginnings. He liked her, she was cool.). On Pinkie's right, there was Twilight Sparkle, Alicorn Princess and Element of Magic and general all-around chosen one, who had a pleasant smile on her face, and next to her, there was a small baby dragon, the one who saved the Crystal Empire that one time… Spike? Behind them, there was a bunch of unimportant ponies in the background, including one exceedingly unimportant reddish mare with a redder Pinkie-ish mane and tail.
This is basically Silver "I pay truck drivers to slurp rancid tuna salad out of my asshole" Star's "introduction" to the mane 6. I say "introduction" because (yawn, of course) he knows all of them already. Or, rather, he knows "of" them. It technically makes sense that he would be familiar with them, since it's established that he's diligent about research and most of the stories involving the Elements of Harmony would probably be big news in Equestria. The issue here though is that it's just dull to read. We already know these characters, Silver already knows these characters, so what's the point of going over each one? It's just one more giant, flashing neon sign pointing to the fact that you chose a bad story premise and a bad character to put in it. Even though this is just another woefully generic "anon's self-insert OC goes on a super cool adventure with the main cast, who are all really impressed by how cool he is" amateur <insert series name here> fanfiction, you make it even more tedious to read by establishing that your OC already knows everything about the world he's in and the characters he's going to meet. It's the same old problem again: your OC is too perfect, too powerful, too omniscient. There's no opportunity for growth here so why am I reading?
>In front of the party table, there was a pink pony, looking absolutely overjoyed.
Silver should already know Pinkie Pie's name.
>To her left, there was What's-Her-Name, the shy yellow Pegasus
Fluttershy can't do anything that would impress Silver so naturally he doesn't give a shit about her. You make it doubly insulting by establishing that Silver is aware of her existence, but seems to regard her as an unimportant member of the group because she doesn't have any rad powers.
>a white Unicorn he recognized as Rarity(He certainly paid attention to the business world, and he'd heard of the self-taught fashionista from Ponyville who had managed to get several influential ponies on her side, making a name for herself despite her humble beginnings.
"I don't just like myself, I also like ponies who remind me of myself." Have I mentioned that I hate your OC?
>He liked her, she was cool.
"Silver "the zebra cock inhaler" Star thinks I'm cool? Wow! Life's mission: accomplished!"
>Twilight Sparkle, Alicorn Princess and Element of Magic and general all-around chosen one
Not surprising he'd recognize Twilight I guess, somewhat dismissive description of her though.
>and next to her, there was a small baby dragon, the one who saved the Crystal Empire that one time… Spike?
Your character is familiar with significant plot developments in the series, we get it. Let's move on.
>Behind them, there was a bunch of unimportant ponies in the background
Again, I'd just like to say that this sort of dismissive description gets on my nerves. Whoever these ponies are, they took the time to come to a party being thrown for this testicle-juggler, I feel like that should at least entitle them to a brief description. If you don't want to go over them in detail you could at least say something like "There were some other ponies he didn't recognize" or "some ponies he didn't know". Bluntly calling them "unimportant" is just rude.
>including one exceedingly unimportant reddish mare with a redder Pinkie-ish mane and tail
I have no idea what pony you're trying to reference here. Deliberately singling her out to be insulted seems to imply that it's somepony Silver has a grudge against, but is it Silver's grudge or yours? I suspect the latter, and if that's the case you're just pointlessly breaking the fourth wall again. I get the impression this is another one of your jabs at some autistic detail of the show you don't care for, but you might want to consider spelling it out a little better for those of us less in the know, or better yet, just leaving it out entirely since probably no one cares. If she's not important, why put her in the scene to begin with?
>He blinked, and Pinkie suddenly popped up from below his field of vision and interrupted his thoughts. "Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie, and I threw this party just for you! Isn't this exciting? Are you excited? Cause I'm excited. I've never been so excited! Well, except for the time when I went-"
Aaaaand, in case this fanfic wasn't quite generic enough for the discerning connoisseurs who want the really
generic stuff, here's the obligatory "Pinkie Pie being overly hyper and random because that's just what she does" part. For someone who complains this much about the show, you sure seem to make a lot of the same mistakes that its writers are frequently blamed for.
Anyway, after all this, Silver teleports himself outside because he needs to fart. Yes, that is what actually happens. This seems like a continuity error to me, since it's been clearly established that Silver's farts no longer make noise.
Moving along. After meeting all the show's main characters, Silver randomly teleports himself outside to fart (yes, once again, this is actually what happens in the story and not me shitposting). In what is probably the most cringe-inducing scene in the story so far (an impressive feat in itself), Twilight follows him outside to see what the matter is. He explains to her that he had to fart, then specifically explains that he is standing upwind of her and that's why she can't smell anything. She didn't ask him why she couldn't smell anything. He just volunteers this information for no reason.
From there, he launches into a standard "Aw, shucks, this isn't how I expected our first encounter to be" speech where he conveniently plants the thought in her mind that he had given advance thought to what meeting her would be like.
>Silver was torn. Did he go for the funny option, and say he didn't expect her to interrogate him over his flatulence, put her on the spot for how weird this was, then get her to want to change the subject as much as he did?
I'm almost afraid to ask, Nigel, but was there a reason you even thought it would be a good idea to include a fart scene in the first place?
>Or did he try to change the subject himself, and reveal some sort of pre-held belief (He couldn't currently remember the official word for that, but he was sure such a word existed)
"previously-held belief" would have worked just fine here, without the autistic explanation in parentheses.
Then we have this:>“I was sure we'd talk about magic, scientific discoveries, art, culture, what we're working on, current events, the world as a whole, and so much more.” He said with a slight shade of hopefulness to his voice. “The things we'd achieved in our time, and the things we wanted to achieve. What we wanted for ourselves, and what we wanted for Equestria.”>“I'd like that,” Twilight said.
Silver: "I was really hoping we could sit around and talk about how awesome we both are, especially me."
And then:>“Let's go back to the party.” Silver said, his horn lighting up with a bright blue light. Showing off, he reared up and flexed his chest muscles before slamming a hoof into the ground, an orange shockwave rippling along the ground to solidify around them.>Before either of their eyes noticed, they were back in the barn.
Well, that clears that up. I was wondering why this scene was even in here. Turns out, you needed to get both Silver and Twilight outside the barn so you could show off the fact that Silver is capable of using some kind of fancy new magic trick to transport them both back into
the barn. Still, though. "I teleported outside because I had to fart?" That's really the best you could come up with?
So, after making a stupid excuse for why he just randomly disappeared out of the barn for no reason, Silver chuckles like a faggot and the already awkwardly constructed party sequence can finally resume. Or…can it?
>Meanwhile, Aquilla remained at his home, completely forgotten by Silver as she ordered fox-ponies and birds around, having them put everything in his house away properly.
There is literally no reason for this sentence to even be in here. Nobody gives a shit where Aquilla is right now. If she's not here, the assumption is that she is probably somewhere else. If you have something important to say about what Aquilla is doing, then as soon as you reach a sensible place to cut away from the party (end of the fart scene would have probably been fine) just <insert horizontal line break> and switch over to Aquilla. If all you want to say is that Aquilla is off somewhere doing something else that isn't important to anything currently going on, don't.
>In the Barn, Silver decided to talk to Pinkie. “You know, there's something I wanted to say to you earlier today, but you rushed off before I could get the chance.” He admitted.>"What's that?" Pinkie wondered happily, tilting her head to the side. The idea that this might be something unpleasant didn't even seem to occur to her. After all, how could anypony not like her? She was loveable.>"You. Are. ADORABLE!" Silver declared happily, a big dumb grin spreading across his face, to the surprise of many ponies, Twilight and Rarity included. "Look at you, you're like a big pink puppy!"
Jesus Christ Nigel, this is seriously the most awkwardly written narrative I've ever read. I mean, do you even read the shit you type after you type it, or is this just some kind of rambling stream of consciousness where you just type your thoughts and publish them?
I mean, here is basically the readers digest version of your barn scene up to this point:
"Silver 'if writing novels were anything like butt sex I would be mark fucking twain' Star goes to the barn. Applejack is there. She says hello and Silver says hello. He goes into the barn. Everypony yells 'surprise'. All the ponies are there, let me describe them *describes ponies*. Some of the ponies are not important and I will say who is not important so you know. Then Silver teleports outside to fart. Then Twilight Sparkle teleports outside to see why Silver teleported outside. He says it was because he had to fart. Twilight says "oh." Then they decide to teleport back inside. Pinkie Pie is there. Silver decides to talk to Pinkie Pie. He goes up to Pinkie Pie and tells her she is cute liek pupper."
There is honestly just so much autism here I'm not even sure where to begin. It's going to have to wait until next post.
I'm assuming either Prejudice or Preconception is the word Nigel was looking for.>Aquilla
Meanwhile, Bob the Janitor was defrosting his freezer. Weird Al anyone? anyone?
You change flags more often than some people take showers.
don't ignore the fact you gave a nigel story a 10/10
nazis go home?
So, when we last left off, Silver was petting Pinkie like a puppy. This scene was probably intended to be cute or funny, but the autism here is just off the charts. Let's examine some key passages.
>He stroked her mane like she was a cute little dog, and she giggled, because it tickled. His hoof travelled toward the back of her ear, and she began tapping her right hindhoof against the floor like a dog.
Ok, I'll admit this is a cute mental image. However, in the context of the scene it just makes no sense for Silver to do this all of a sudden, and the weird way your narrative jumps around here just plain makes it weird. Basically, here is the progression of events:
Silver teleports outside to fart. Twilight follows him outside. He explains to Twilight that he had to fart. This alone is jarring enough for reasons I shouldn't have to explain. Then, we have this:>“Silver Shoes, just three-ninety-nine bits!” Silver boasted, tapping the ground and launching a piece of popcorn ten feet into the air, where his magical glow caught it and pulled it into his open mouth. “Sorry about disappearing like that, everypony, I thought there was something I'd forgotten. But there wasn't.”
Presumably, the purpose of the fart scene was to give Silver an opportunity to use his silver shoes and show off to Twilight, which…you know what, forget it. I've spent enough mental energy on the fucking fart scene and its subsequent explanation. I'm just going to say that it's ill advised, awkward, not particularly funny if it's supposed to be, even weirder if it's not, and you should give serious thought to cutting it out of the story.
Next, we have that completely random mention of Aquilla back at home doing the dishes or whatever that I mentioned in the last post was unnecessary. After that, Silver just randomly approaches Pinkie Pie and asks if he can pet her. See what I'm saying? This is just a sequence of events that just happen without being connected in a way that makes sense. I just find it difficult to imagine these or any characters behaving the way you have them behave, and that includes Silver himself. Even in the case of Pinkie wagging her tail like a puppy or whatever the fuck, it's cute but it's just weird. Silver's barely even spoken to this pony and he just randomly approaches her and asks to pet her? Does that sound like something someone would normally do at a party? This is not normal behavior. I get that this is kind of meant to be the point, but what is clearly meant to be humor just comes across as cringey and awkward, and like I said the sequence of events just doesn't make much sense. You've made it abundantly clear you don't care for my advice in general and that's your prerogative, but you should still seriously consider a thorough rewrite of this scene. At least cut the damn fart scene.
Anyway, RD seems to agree with me that Silver is behaving like a creepy weirdo and asks him to stop petting her friend. So, Silver does this:>Silver's horn lit up and he formed a portal beneath him, casually falling through it and out of a forming vertical portal that put Pinkie between himself and Rainbow Dash, and he stroked Pinkie's mane harder while staring right at her, causing her to perform what those in another world called a memeface. "A party involving me isn't weird until there are seventh-dimensional birds flying around violating causality and dimensional boundaries like they're casual suggestions!” He declared overdramatically.
I'm not even going to bother trying to convince you anymore that having your character do stuff like this is ill-advised; I'll just focus on trying to convince you to write it better. What he's doing here is difficult to visualize the way you describe it. I get that he basically invokes Portal logic to move himself from point A to point B, but the position of the ponies is hard to keep track of. The problem is the magic trick transports Silver, but you describe it as "(he) put Pinkie between himself and Rainbow Dash." It focuses the reader's attention on where Pinkie is instead of where Silver is, and we frankly don't know where RD is because you don't specify. Pinkie is stationary, Silver moves, you should be announcing his position, not Pinkie's. I'll also mention this is a run-on sentence that should be broken up.
I would phrase it something like this:>Silver's horn lit up, and he fell through a portal that formed beneath him, emerging through a second portal that dropped him on the other side of Pinkie. He continued to stroke her mane…"
If you want to emphasize that he did this to place Ponk between himself and RD, have RD interject something, like "Hey get back here" or something similar. In fact, if you're going to do the Portal gag, you'd actually be better off having it happen two more times instead of just once. Have it where RD runs over and tries to step between them again, so Silver pulls the portal trick again so he's back on the other side. She runs back over to that side and he does it again, and keeps petting Pinkie in between portals. Stop at three total iterations though; it's a generally accepted rule that 3 is the magic number of times the same thing will be funny in sequence. The other ponies could potentially also find this amusing and laugh; that way it looks like he's doing this to be charming and funny, instead of just having him start petting Ponk for no reason like a creepy weirdo. Could be a small step on the rather long journey of making your OC come across as less of a douche.
If you can ease into the petting business a little less awkwardly, make your characters behave a little more naturally, and lay out the Portal gag better, this could actually be a rather amusing scene.
Oh, one more thing: could you please not ever use the word "memeface" in a story again, and consider cutting it out of this one? It pretty much demeans us all. Just describe her expression, or leave it out entirely.
>>4379>If you can ease into the petting business a little less awkwardly
If he had Pinkie being the one that approached him, it could honestly work better since we all know that one of her character traits/flaws is not knowing personal bounderies. I am refering to how she acted in: "A Friend Indeed."
Otherwise, I am a sucker for fluff myself but Silver acted towards PP as she would have done towards a filly. I don't know if it fits SS character. Wasn't he like depressed and shit?
>>4380>If he had Pinkie being the one that approached him, it could honestly work better since we all know that one of her character traits/flaws is not knowing personal bounderies.
Yeah, I think that makes more sense too. The irony is when I first read this section I was just going to make fun of it, but after pulling it apart I think it might actually be salvageable, it just needs a heavy rewrite. He needs to establish more of a relationship between Silver and Ponk before this scene happens, or least have them speak to each other briefly, and probably have Pinkie be the one who approaches or initiates/invites physical contact as you said. Maybe balance out the earlier scene where he's talking to Rainbow Dash, make it a 3 way conversation so they all get to know each other. Seems to me Pinkie is easy enough to make friends with, it shouldn't be hard to set them up as having some type of established relationship before all this happens, even if it's just a casual "you seem cool let's hang out sometime" kind of thing.
>I don't know if it fits SS character. Wasn't he like depressed and shit?
Nigel's biggest shortcoming is characterization. He really has a hard time figuring out who any of these characters are and making their words and actions fit that mold, and this includes the characters he creates himself. Now that you mention it I think that's a big part of what feels wrong in this scene. Everything that happens here is out of place with everything else, especially Silver's behavior.
Silver tends to be all over the place. One minute he's he's an arrogant, coldhearted gangster, the next he's acting like some kind of hero philanthropist, the next he's a mopey emo complaining about how unfulfilled he is. His random autistic "I want to pet you like a puppy" behavior comes out of absolutely nowhere, and is so completely inconsistent with anything we know about him so far that it's jarring. It's clearly written to either be funny or cute and random, it may even be an attempt to make him more sympathetic. However it comes across as borderline rapist/molester type behavior because the impression we have of Silver thus far is that he's a self-centered narcissist and possible sociopath. Even the desires he expresses to find love or friendship are ultimately self-serving; thus far we've been introduced to a character that wants to have friends, not to be one. Thus, a scene that's intended to soften your impression of the character just makes you slightly more repulsed by him.
To be honest with you I didn't really read it, I just skimmed the first couple of paragraphs, concluded it was a shitpost, and gave you a "well memed, my friend!" response. If you want a serious analysis of it, then fine, here you go:
From Wikipedia:>Poe's law is an adage of Internet culture stating that, without a clear indicator of the author's intent, it is impossible to create a parody of extreme views so obviously exaggerated that it cannot be mistaken by some readers for a sincere expression of the parodied views.
In essence, this text can be interpreted one of two ways: either it is a sarcastic parody of a "guide" to writing Sonic fanfiction intended to mock the kind of autistic individual who would write such a guide, or else it is an actual, unironic guide to writing Sonic fanfiction, written by just such an individual. Without knowing context or source, we will never truly be certain which it is, so I am just going to assume it's real writing advice and treat it as such.
Taken as writing advice, this text does offer a few decent tips and tricks for the aspiring autistic writer of autistic Sonic fanfiction. I particularly like the awesomeness math™ method for determining a character's awesomeness, as awesomeness can be a difficult trait to quantify. I was disappointed, however, that it does not expand upon this concept by pointing out that you can exponentially increase awesomeness by combining awesome characters from different series. For instance, if you take Rainbow Dash (decidedly the most awesome character in MLP) and combine her with Goku, the awesomest character from DBZ, you get a character called Rainboku, who is probably the most awesome character ever conceived by anyone. Incidentally, Nigel, you can't ever use her, because she is copyrighted, by me.
Rainboku is a horse with a tragic past and a bright future. Bright as in explosions, which you will see in a moment. That is called foreshadowing, and it is a literary technique, but you can't use it because it is copyrighted, by me. Anyway, Rainboku was born on a far-off alien world, and was frequently made fun of for being the only Super-Saiyan horse with a rainbow colored mane and super awesome powers, and also she could run really really fast, and also she was traumatized when her home planet was destroyed, by a mysterious fighter which turned out to be her from the future. You see that? That was what the foreshadowing was for. But I will remind you again that nobody but me is allowed to do that.
Rainboku has a chip on her shoulder because her father was Bill Cosby and her mother was Wonder Woman, and they would frequently get drunk and violent and sometimes sexual with her. That is why you can never mention the name Bill Cosby around her, because it reminds her of the time she was molested by Wonder Woman. However she has a heart of gold underneath it all, and when push comes to shove, she can summon laser beams which shoot out of her eyes and destroy aliens and Bill Cosby other bad people, which is why her home planet banished her to Equestria once they found out that it was her from the future that had destroyed her home planet. Also, her home planet had been moved to a different planet at that point, because the original planet had been destroyed. By Rainboku.
Anyway, in summation, Nigel's brilliant writing advice in Sonic Sonic Sonic
is truly an inspiration to us all. It is a fine continuation of the ancient, noble tradition of old masters passing their tips and tricks down to a younger generation. Anyone with autism or autism-related conditions who wishes to write really super awesome Sonic fanfiction could benefit immensely from this guide.
Thus, after thorough analysis, my original rating still stands:
10/10 tbh, fam.
I am going to follow you now on this thread btw. I have been an aspireing writer, although on and off, since I was small and this is one of my major intrests. No-one cared for my thread on reviewing and I have learned from these two threads that I might not get popular on this site if I attention-whore about it by posting a new one.
I simply have to come to terms with the fact that nobody notice me just like irl. I once walked into the girls' lockerroom after gym class while they were undressing and I was nothing to them. Sadpepe.jpg. I am just joking I am not actually sad.
What I think is most jarring about all this is the fact that Nigel sometimes says smart things but then goes back to write about fart scenes. Some of his comments in the other thread about fim are, what I would consider, top-notch epiphanies but his own story is filled with brainfarts Joke intended
I don't like to write too much so I am trying to summarize all his flaws into one sentence but it is hard with out it becoming a run-on-sentence.
Also, Nigel. I know this isn't funny to hear. I would also be a bit torn if people told me that my story that I had invested time and energy in was bad. However, you should try to see this as your own character arc's rockbottom to overcome. Take what you learn from glimglam with others, maybe the entirety of the two threads and rewrite or write a new story.
To sum up basicly what everyone probably has already said: Your story has no direction. Scenes are therefore irrelevent in the grand scheme of things since there is no ggrand scheme; no goal. Your charactes are inconsistent and undefined.
There is more but in my opinion those are your major flaws.
>introduced to a character that wants to have friends, not to be one
Which actually could be his character arc. That he consider himself the best and therefore feels entiled to be the center of attention all the time but later learns to care about others than myself.
I even think Nigel has begun to claim that that is the purpose of his character in the other thread. The reason I say, "claim" however, is because there hasn't been a single piece of evidence so far in the story, from what I can understand, in the story thus far and Nigel simply says that he will have it happen in future chapters.
I seems to me that he is realising that Silver is indeed not developing. He practicly admitted that was the case.
But here is the thing: If there is parts of your story were nothing develops, then cut it out.
You know what Nigel I am going to write your story for you in a WAY shorter version for you. I anyway need to pratcise my writting skills and I don't feel like I am actually giving away too much of my own unquie:er storylines. The basic story is already there and that story is nothing too orignal in my view so I might aswell.
I have even thought of actually posting my own storyline ideas simply because it is the current year and I rather share it with you guys anyway. But I haven't decided yet so I will hold onto it a bit longer.
>>4384>o much of my own unquie:er storylines.
I am sorry for my preteniousness. I need to be taken down a step by reading a fucking book once in while and not just think that all the world novels are just shonen-tier manga.
If I had to make Silver a more consistent and liked character, but I could only do so by adding up to 5000 words of content to earlier chapters and scenes overall, what would you suggest?
>He stopped his reading when his secretary walked into his office and put a tray on his desk. He scanned the tray and saw that it had the can of coffee, an empty cup and a sandwich that he had asked for but he also noted something he hadn't asked for. There was a blueberry muffin on the tray.
”Coffe, sir?” Aquilla his Griffin secretary said.
>He put down his book and rolled his eyes before he pointed at the muffin.
”What is that?” he asked.
>Aquilla being a little taken aback by his weird question answered with the obvious.
”No, I mean why is it on my tray. If you are trying to bribe me with baked goods, then you should know it is futile and I will not give you an increase for that.” He stared at her coldly with eyes piercing into her.
”No, that wasn't my intent sir… Really, I just baked some for my children back home before I got here and thought that you might want one too.” Aquilla blather nervously as she looked at the hem on her maid outfit that she was fiddling with her talons.
”Aha.” Silence filled the room for a moment before Silver spoke up. ”Well, are you going to fill my cup today or…”
”Sorry, sir.” Aquilla a bit stressed got into action and poured him a cup. She managed to even with her hasty movements not to spill anything. When she had was done, she put the edibles and the cup on his desk with the exception of the muffin. When she kept the muffin on the tray, Silver said.
”I will eat the muffin but I only wanted to make sure that you didn't get any false hopes up.” He pointed on the muffin and with dragging motion towards his desk. In the beginning, it seemed like Aquilla was annoyed by this but when she meets Silver's gaze she gave him a smile but it seemed forced.
>She was about to turn and walked out of the office with her tray when she remembered something.
”By the way, sir. You had an appointment with a Mr. Grounds in about a half an hour but it seems he is already here. He is currently sitting in the waiting room. I am not saying that you need to take his appointment now, sir. I just wanted to tell you tha-”
”Um-ch Sen-*Swallows*-d him *slurp* in.” Silver said. His voice barely audible because he was in the middle of stuffing his mouth the muffin.
>He shook his head.
”Yes, now. What are you waiting for, a promotion? Go and fetch him.”
>A grimace of irritation displayed itself on Aquilla's face for but a moment before she left through the door.
>Silver had just managed to finish eating his sandwich and muffin before Mr. Grounds entered his office.
”Mr. Coffe Grounds, you are here because you wanted to discuss and potentially sell your coffee shop in Ponyville. Is that about right?” Silver said. His voice seemed almost monotone and he looked generally bored. He wasn't even looking at Ground direction but instead seemed to be searching for something in his drawer.
”Yes, and I think you will pleasantly surprised by what I am offering. Ehh?” Coffee looked around and then back to Silver. ”Do you perhaps have a chair that I may borrow?”
”No, you may not. Or Rather. You will soon be leaving anyway since I am not even remotely interested.” A grin formed on Silver's lips as he found what he was looking for and therefore looked back to face Coffee.
”But sir. I assure you that this is a great offer. If I didn't need a change of pace, I won't sell it. The shop has an interior designed by the local famous fashionista, Rarity herself. It has a great location; there exist no competing coffee shop in the district. And-” Coffee Grounds ranted on desperately until Silver interrupted him.
”That was well worded, Coffee Grounds. Kudos to you. Indeed it is the only coffeeshop in the area but there is this little bakery you see. Called Sugercube corner. Do you know about it perhaps? It has the address Ponyville Square fourteen and your shops has the same name but number seventeen.” A smirked had formed on Silver's lips. His voice was calm and quiet but there seemed to be some kind of taunting glee in his voice as he spoke.
>Coffee breathed at a faster rate and tears of sweat were starting to form on his forehead.
”Well, you see-” He began.
”And what do we have here.” Silver levitated the thing he had found in the drawer from before. It was an article that had been cut out from its newspaper but any keen news follower could clearly see by its layout that it belonged to the prestigious newspaper, Horesenews.
”This article is from five years ago. It reads: The Paraspryte Infestation in Ponyville Threatens the Local Stores in longterm. Mhm, why is that I wonder
I need to go to bed I will finish this part here. more than so I cannot say.>>4386
If you "have to" and you feel like there is "only" one way to do so, do so.
, Nigel, is how you prepare a character with advance knowledge of the situation without making it overbearing. Details flow through natural dialogue, instead of "Silver knows all this already, except it hasn't been mentioned"
I meant if I had to do it with that "Can only add, not take away" restriction. I can not into words goodly sometimes.>>4387
Jesus, Silver's an asshole in this. He's even an asshole about eating! And about getting food, too. But I'm curious to see where you're going with this.
And working the Parasprites from S1 into this was genius! Sometimes I think that even though I came up with some smart ways to unfuck the damage bad nu-fim decisions did to the setting of FIM, I should just skip the unfuckening parts and make the fic an AU where none of that crap happened in the first place. No friendship school to restock with proper teachers and better-written students, no dumb castle to turn into something that'd make Skyrim-playing mod-users jealous, and no "And then every poochie independently decided to fuck off over to the Crystal Empire, where they remained offscreen for the rest of the fic". It'd also remove the "I need to make Silver someone Twilight would reasonably be interested in, and could date without the 'OMG twilight is dating beneath her station! What a scandal! How unprincesslike!'" crap.>>4389
Could you call me "Ash"? I get that a name needs to be assigned to me, but Nigel is also the name of that one dumbass on 4chan who hates MLP for "Being a kiddy thing" so much he set up a bot to tell him when people post stuff that's also on Derpibooru outside of 4/mlp/.
I don't hate MLP. Or MLPFIM. Hell, the show's nu episodes adopting that kind of "Kiddy stuff like songs and friendship are dumb and lame" attitiude for the sake of shallowly seeming "Enlightened and self-aware and above it all" is one of those things I hate about nu-FIM.
Nigel please. For one, you're not
Lee Goldson - aka Barneyfag - who is so notorious on 4chan that he's even featured in some anon's OC, including Tracy Cage. For two, why would you be called Ash when your name is Nigel, Nigel? We could call you by your real
name, but that would be impolite.
Besides, you had your chance. I was willing to call you King Britanon if you had cut the crap a year ago; no such luck now! XDDD
>>4386>>4390>>4386>Adding 5000 words>I meant if I had to do it with that "Can only add, not take away" restriction.
There is no restricting you stupid retard, and there is no compromise on this either.
Learn how to kill your babies and throw out your extremely bad drafts of autistic rambling like what you wrote that are failures.
>If I had to make Silver a more consistent and liked character what would you suggest
One of the main problems with your fic and characterization of Silver as a whole is how you waste everyones time with extremely long winded blathering, either with what Silver is doing or what he's saying. And your portrayal of Silver someone to be redeemed falls flat on its face as because no pony actually reacts to him being a scumbag, so he's just getting away with murder. Look at the rewrite of the first introduction of Aquilla. >>4387
While sweedenfag uses her as a way to compare Silver to scrooge, a secretary that means well but keeping her head down is nothing new, it's better than the inconsistent garbage that you put out.
In your Chapter 1 one minute shes annoyed, the next she's impressed over stupid time magic, then shes hyped about more stupid speed magic, and then shes flying along being proud of him. There is no real consistency or depth with her character other than she gets impressed by magic and shes a lacky. But she isnt being used to contrast Silver and put him in a negative light, instead it's positive reinforcement as an empty cheer leader, compared to sweedenfag's Aquilla she is kind of disgusted by his idea of stuffing his face while he fetches the appointment. But puts up with it for the sake of job, this is a relatable character the audience can sympathize with right off the bat and puts Silver in a bad light.
In your fic the later cut-aways back to her building the house alone while Silver is at the party is out of place because its already been established she doesnt really care about being treated as a second class slave. The repeated attempts to make the audience sympathetic to her and make Silver look bad do nothing for emotional impact because she doesnt mind it, and she isnt having a hard time. The cuts away to her from Silver, then back with nothing happening. The scenes with her feel completely pointless as they neither add to the overall narrative of Silvers development, or the animu action plot. It's pure filler every time and it sucks ass. If you refuse to take away retarded pointless filler then you will still be left with ass. One more bit of information that Sweedenfag gives us is the muffin doesnt just serve that Silver is an asshole, but also shows that she (a griffon) has a better understanding of FiM's principles with friendship of sharing with no underhanded motives, than a pony which flips the usual roles on it's head.
>And working the Parasprites from S1 into this was genius! Sometimes I think that even though I came up with some smart ways to unfuck the damage bad nu-fim>I should just skip the unfuckening parts and make the fic an AU where none of that crap happened in the first place.
This kind of response makes it clear you dont actually know why Sweedenfag actually put in the parasprites, and you just go off on your usual retarded rants about FiM. So I'm just going to point it out.
Your fic is over bloated with dumps of crammed useless information, and the handling of Silver is the biggest offender of this. You've given no time to develop any character else beyond maybe one scene and the fic is suffocated with focusing every inch of your effort on what Silver thinks, or what hes doing, or what he is saying. Filler is littered throughout your fic thats only purpose is to make Silver look good and/or demonstrate one of his '200 spells he invented', it quickly becomes obnoxious and never ends. The first scene of the fic is another prime example, there are characters like Coffee Beans and the other two that are quickly introduced but then dropped completely after Chapter 1 never to be heard from again. Meanwhile Sweedenfag cuts out all of the magic parkour crap that took up 2+ pages. Sweedenfag does a better job at giving us small bits about Silver and others, he doesnt even need to mention a retarded 8 year olds idea of kewl magical feats, something like that can be saved for later. Overloading the audience with new information is one of the quickest ways to lose them, and thats not even when it's in the form of autistic walls. In Sweedenfag's rewrite Silver still doesnt know the mane6, because he disregards that Rarity has given Coffee's a make over and raised the value, this scene doubles it's use as we dont need to repeat that Silver doesnt know the mane6 when chapter 2 starts. Sweedenfag used the newspaper to establish that Silver has more interest in Ponyville than the meeting as a hint to give us the idea that the story will involve Ponyville, it's not a way to 'fix' 'nu fim' and until you get over your bitter bias, that the ideas can have merit it's just the execution that's the problem (just like your case) then you're not going to be able to be a good story teller.
”Let's see if we can figure it out okay?” Silver said with a juvenile voice.
”There are three things in this article that I think is interesting. Number one: One of the most affected by the parasite swarm is the store's owner Earl Grey, who runs a coffee shop in Ponyville Square-
Wait a minute, Ponyville Square? Isn't that where your coffee shop is? Was there another one in Ponyville just recently?”
Coffee Beans swallowed and had a weird out of place laugh and grin.
”Uhm, Earl Grey was the last owner of the coffee shop. I bought it from him.”
”Did you now. How long time ago was this, if I may ask?”
Looking really uncomfortable Coffee answered.
”Two and half years ago.”
Silver nodded in a mock understanding.
”Let's keep reading. There is three interview in this article. They are interviewing the mayor here about some new law she has implemented. ”The municipality of Ponyville can't afford to pay for potential parasite egg merging in the future but we cannot let this happen again. Therefore I have decided that there has to be a law that if you find parasites in your home or store, you yourself most ensure that they are dealt with. So it is the law that you to take care of any parasprites if you find them since if they multiply they can cause us all damaged but the municipality won't help you with the removal of them,” said Mayor mare to our reporter.
”If you had read your scientific paper like I do, you could have read last week, I think it was, in the latest number of Dora the Explorer that parasprite reproduced asexually by vomiting out a bunch of ”eggs”. These eggs later merge together to form a new parasprite, however, this ”later” can vary. The eggs have a biological clock on them that decides when they will merge. The time it takes can vary from immediately to, well the oldest specimen so far is from three-hundred years ago. It is speculated that they this is a mechanism to ensure that the parasprites survive even if a major catastrophe happens.”
”What means for your store is that unless there is a complete utter top-to-bottom renovation were you remove all the eggs that possibly could exist there almost wrecking your own coffee shop in the process, there can always pop-up one little parasprite that can cause havoc in Ponyville. And if I then own the store from where the parasprite, I will need a good lawyer.”
Coffee Beans seemed to be turning pale even though he had fur.
”I by no means meant to deceive you. It is not as bad as it sounds. It-” Coffee said quickly.
”I am not done.” Silver said, which caused Coffee to stop promptly.
”Not only do I have to be on constant alert that no parasprites minutes from my shop but I also have to pay professionals to remove them. They do mention that in the article, by the way, that the poison used to kill off parasprites and their eggs are completely different. The first one is harmless against ponies, the other one is hazardous and costs a fortune, which they speculate that none of the stores could reasonably afford to do.”
Before Coffe could interject Silver continued talking.
”And to top it off. I have tasted a cake made by your competition. They along with some other chefs made a collaboration of some sort that won the national dessert competition that was held in Canterlot a few years back. And what do I have to compete with them with Coffee and FUCKING sandwiches!” Silver had suddenly realized that he was justified to be angry at this pony who tried to trick him so he shouted out the last part and slammed his hooves on his desk.
”B-but s-sir!” Coffee had backed away with his hooves in the air.
”You got duped two years ago and now you're trying to dupe me!”
”Two and a half.”
”It doesn't matter! You idiot!”
Silence lingered in the air for a moment before Coffee turned for the door. When he had reached the door, Silver called.
”Come back.” Silver said. He seemed to have calmed down and was now leaning back in his armchair with a bored expression.
Coffee did as he was told and walked back to the desk. His face showed signs of fear as if he feared that Silver would reprimand him in some way.
”What prized had you imagine to sell it for?”Silver asked.
Coffee braced himself.
”Two-hundred-thousand bits,” he said as he braced himself.
”Make that fifty-thousand bits instead. I am not going to bid higher for this-” He trailed off for a moment as he made circler motions with his hoof while he was searching for the right word.”-place.” >Coffee pondered it for a moment before he agreed. The transaction went fast enough. Silver read thoroughly through the contract to make sure everything was well with it. Aquilla had come in during this an offered coffee to them but Silver had declined on Coffee Beans behalf before he had could answer. Saying that something along the line that, ”He wanted a change of pace away from coffee.” After both Silver had signed the two copies of the contract with their signatures and Silver had handed Coffee a check of fifty-thousand bits, Coffe who was fuming at this point walked out of the office.
>>4393>Silver drank from his new cup of coffee. While looking at the newly signed contract, his eyes began to wander over to the news article. As previously stated there were three ponies interviewed in it: Earl Grey, Mayor Mare, and the last one, Applejack. >He stared grimly at the last name and then looked back at the contract again.
”Honesty, huh, Applejack? ” He whispered to himself.>Letting go of those thoughts. He swiveled around in his chair and looked out at Canterlot through the window that could only be described as a glass wall.>The sun was sinking down behind the horizon. He looked over his shoulder and to the clock on his desk. >He snickered a bit to himself as he saw what time it was and spun a few laps in his chair before he stopped at his desk. >Then there was a knock on the door.
”You may enter.”>Aquilla walked in.
”I will soon be taking my leave for today, sir. I just wanted to know if there was anything you want me to do before I go,” Aquilla said.
”Oh, nothing really… Perhaps you could pour me a shot of that whiskey by Emerald whiskers. I feel like celebrating It is a transparent bottle with a big label that reads Liquid Emeralds. It is in that cupboard, the second shelf from the top to the right.” He pointed at cupboard in the corner of the room. ”Also before you leave today I would like you to book a chariot flight for tomorrow I am going to visit my newly bought shop in Ponyville.”>Aquilla nodded and said.
”I'll make sure that I do it before I leave.”
She waited for a thank you but Silver had already begun staring out the window again.>Aquilla then went into action and found the bottle and a shot-glass rather quickly in the cupboard. As she began to screw the cork into the cork of the bottle, Silver stood with his back turned towards her and looked out the window.
”Hehehe, the princess lowered the sun too early today. Tsk tsk, Princess what are you doing?” Silver said in a chirpy voice. >This caused Aquilla to giggle a little, which caused Silver to smiled proudly over himself but the smile faltered as quickly as it had come.
”How's your day sir? You sound cheerful.” Aquilla had finished removing the cork from the bottle and was ready to pour him a shot.
He turned around and sat down in at his desk again.
”Ha, we don't know yet. I might regret this day later but I believe I should be able to turn this location into something beneficial in the end. Can you believe that that guy intended to sell such a place for such a prize? That he even dared to try to trick me.” Silver said, seemingly fascinated by the nerve of Coffee Beans.
”He tried to trick you?” Aquilla said as she glanced at the door.
”Indeed he did.”
”Then I understand that you are upset and didn't want to offer him any coffee before. How shameless,” she said. Then she saw that he still had some coffee in his cup. ”Do you want to pour you shot now even though you still got some coffee left.” She pointed with a claw at the cup.
”Yes, do that. I will drink it now.” >As Aquilla held both the bottle and the glass as she pours it, Silver mumbled something.
”Like you are any different.”>Aquilla's face contorted to that of complete rage for a second and threw down the glass into the floor. It shattered in thousands of pieces and left a transparent green puddle on the wooden floor.
”No! I am not like that!”>Both of them seemed stunned and shock by what had just transpired. Aquilla woke up first from the shock and put the bottle back on the desk. Before her eyes went searching for a paper or a rag to wipe it up with.
”I am sorry sir.” >This shock Silver out of his slumber.
”You better be! Do you know how much that brew and glass cost? The things I own are not for breaking! They are expensive, you moron!” he shouted at her and practically stood on his desk with his hooves planted on it.>Aquilla had already gotten past her point of patience so it was easy to make her angry again.
”You can not call me that! I'm not a moron or some con-artist after your money! If you keep on berating me like this, I'll quit! I 'll quit. I tell you.”
”No, you don't quit because you're fired!”
>>4394>Those words made Aquilla lose her breath. Slackjawed she just stared straight into the wall. Then she turned to Silver with tears in her eyes and a pleading look.
”P-p-please sir. I-I have kids… I need this job…” Aquilla was now sitting on her haunches with her claws clasped together as if she prayed.>Silver still looked angry and sort of disgusted. His upper lip rose and crinkle displayed itself between his eyebrows and he was practically shaking.
”Well, you should have thought about that before you threw a temper tantrum in my office. Now leave and don't show your face here again,” he said. >At fist Aquilla didn't seem to want to move. She just sat there as if this was all bad dream that she soon would wake up from. She only got up and walked to the door when Silver said, ”Are you deaf? I said get out.”>Just before she was about to close the door after her, she leaned on its handle like she needed to support herself and stuck her head in through the crack of the door into Silver's office. Her head low and she wasn't looking at Silver but the floor when she spoke.
”You know. You are right. I lied this morning. I didn't bake those muffins for my children. I baked them for you.” She looked up at him. He looked surprised. ”I wanted to thank you for getting this job two weeks ago and also… Because I pity you. In my life, I have never met someone, pony nor Griffin, as lonely as you. You spend all your day occupied in the top of this tower isolated. To me, it seems as if you don't have any loved ones in your life.” She noticed his perplexed expression. ”Do you?”>Her question was meet with silence because Silver was thinking about the question.
”I thought so,” Aquilla said before she closed the door behind her and left the office.>Waking up from his shellshock, Silver sprung into action and tried to catch up to her. As he opened the door to exit his office he saw that Aquilla was half-way through the corridor that leads to the elevator. >With quick steps he caught up to her and walked alongside her as he spoke.
”Ha, pretty clever retort you had back there. Yeah, I am the bad guy because you actually thought about me. Right. I believe in that.” As he talked the got to the elevator and Aquilla pushed a button and the doors opened and she walked inside leaving Silver there.”It was more like you wanted to secure your position not by actually hard work but by milking my.”
Aquilla looked at him with almost pitiful eyes as she said.
”Goodbye, Silver Star.” >Then the elevator doors shut close.
”Yeah, that is right no rebuttal!” He screamed at the elevator and then began walking back to his office. Well, there he saw the mess on the floor looked at the open bottle that still stood on the desk. He grabbed it as he walked by the desk and to a doorway that leads out on his balcony. He opened it and walked out. The day had turned into night and the moon and the stars were out. >Above his head on the wall of his incredibly high skyscraper stood the logo for his company, ”Silver's Industries” in pop-out black color contrasted from the rest of the silver colored skyscraper.>As looked down on the city below but couldn't see any ponies from this height. His tower was only rivaled by Canterlot's castle itself. >Something stung in his chest and he took a large swig of his bottle.
”No, it is not I who is the bad.guy. I have just realized the truth.” He whispered to himself. ”All ponies are by nature selfish and only gullible fools believe that anyone genuinely cares for another.”He looked back at the door in his office as if he was addressing it. ”Anyone who believes that they actually have friends are fools. You are stupid!” He shouted the last part, then he turned towards the city below again and screamed from the top of his lungs down at them. ”YOU ARE ALL IDIOTS!” In his scream, his voice cracked.>Howver, since he was so high up the ponies below, didn't see and even less hear him.
>And then he farted.
That's how I imagine the first chapter be like. I do however lacck more ideas right now so won't continue it because I am not sure how I would go about. I probably get him to mett Twi in some way and have him fall head over hels for her.
>>4392>that she (a griffon) has a better understanding of FiM's principles with friendship of sharing with no underhanded motives, than a pony which flips the usual roles on it's head.
I didn't actually occur to me that is actually displayed reversed roles. I was just intrested in showing how cynical Silver is, that he actually thinks there is something underhanded with such a simple kind gesture. >newspaper to establish that Silver has more interest in Ponyville than the meeting
I actually in the begining thought that he had done reseach in a libarary. They usually keep a copies of newpaper numbers and archive them but you gave me an idea. Since Silver has apple in his name, I thought that I could take the liberty of implying that he has some kind of past history with Applejack.
You see my orignal intent with having Rarity be the one who designed the interior was to build some kind of natural connection for Silver to meet Twilight when he visited ponyville. Now there is three options.
1) Be impressed by interior design think about hire rarity ffor job meets TWi
2) Scout out the competetion, the cakes, and meet pinkie->Twi
3)Visit (sister,cousin,frined,sister-in-law,ex) Applejack for whateever reaon that has to do with past->twi
4) Be unorignal an have pinkie throw a party for Silver like she did Twilight so you don't have to be imaginitive. Then again why waste time on something trivial if you have something more exciting futher into the plot.
Why i am so focused on TWi is because she would be the key to change his behavoir since he wants to be with her an therefore must change his behavior. Unlike other characters who he simply don't care for if they don't like him.
Also the idea i had however consious it might have been. About this first "chapter" was basicly aout to things. I hope that this comes thrrough in my text.
1) Silver is cynical and therefore he ddoesn't believe that anyone can want to genuinly be friends.
2)A reason for why he went to Ponyville.
1)I used Coffee beans to show his reason for cynism because there are actually ponies who tries to trick him.
Aquilla is there to show that since he assumes everyone is out to get him. His cynism hurt inocent and keeps him lonely.
2)I changed the shops location to ponyville and made sure that Silver bought the place so that he could go there. I guess this is one of my problems since it comes off as why the fuck wouldd anyone want to own that place wel well >>4389>Details flow through natural dialogue
Ah, you don't know how much that warmths my heart.>>4390
<And working the Parasprites from S1 into this was genius!
Thanks, I often try to use fim's rules to my advantage.
I'm unironically enjoying this rewrite. Not only is Silver not
a wholly self-absorbed megalomaniac, but his financial and personal motivations are both understandable and quite shrewd without being (((excessive)))
.>inb4 Mlpol hijacks Silver and makes him a presentable, believable, and identifiable (to the reader) OC
>>4397>I didn't actually occur to me that is actually displayed reversed roles.
Consider it a happy accident for something Nigel did making her a Griffon but if it were a Pony it wouldnt have as much of an impact. Nigels Aquilla is boring as hell, because its just the very start of everyone licking his OCs balls being impressed by everything magical Silver does. You know if Aquilla has spent so long with him it would have been a better dynamic if she wasnt impressed by his 12 year old magic tricks. Desensitizing is a thing, and theres only so long before it just becomes the same ol Silver trying to show off to impress other ponies. About the only thing that remains consistent about Silver that Nigel wrote, he is an egomaniac but he wants to be the center of attention.
> Since Silver has apple in his name, I thought that I could take the liberty of implying that he has some kind of past history with Applejack.
If you read ahead or looked at the other thread he does have some loose relation as her cousin but again, iit's just inconsistent trash the way ihe portrayed that suddenly hes all sentimental about her but doesnt show it. It's honestly just bad and a complete contradiction to how much of an asshole he has been to everyone else in the previous chapter without actually going through any development. And then he is still an asshole, not to Rarity directly, but it's implied after being an autist to PinkiePie with the random petting.
Maybe he only cares about the successes of his own family IE the apples, so he kept applejack articles about her heroism around as a comparing competition or motivation, so he set out to be the best of the family in an insecure manor, the riches and whatever he accomplishes are still overshadowed by AJ's simple life and they can provide a counter to his unabashed in-your-face showboating and gaudy branding. Silver could even hold some resentment towards AJ because of this, but he wouldnt show it.
ANY of the options are better than whatever mary sue shit Nigel came up with, which is just empty connections to the mane6 with no interesting dynamics.
>>4399>Maybe he only cares about the successes of his own family IE the apples, so he kept applejack articles about her heroism around as a comparing competition or motivation, so he set out to be the best of the family in an insecure manor, the riches and whatever he accomplishes are still overshadowed by AJ's simple life
It is good that I have you that way I don't need to think. If I continue, I will incorporate this into the story. I, as stated, just drew the connection between Applejack and the newspaper so that I could explain why he would have a old newspaper in his drawer. I didn't think much more about it but I actually thought about the opposite of what you did. I thought that I could have Applejack being the one that resented Silver due to the fact that he got rich through George Soros-tier bullshit econmics and stock exchange instead of hard wrok in the form of manual labour or at least something that provided something to society.
But your idea works better withh the story since if applejack is the one with the resentment, then Silver doesn't have a concrate reason for keeping those articles around. With your idea, he does.
Maybe I will use both if I continue, which I really feel like doing but you know real life.
I thought about making their past be next door neightbors in manehatten. When AJ lived with the oranges he lived in the apartment next door and they were eachothers first friend and pretty much did everything togather. Or his adopted into the oragne family or whatever. The important thing is that they meet there.
I just realised something I could do. What do you think about this?Silver and AJ are childhood friends but when AJ leaves for Ponyville, Silver is left alone. Silver therefore builds up his cynism and disbelief of friendship. In ponyville he falls for Twi but in the end he ends up with Glimmer due to the fact that they share so much incommen.
>>4400> the riches and whatever he accomplishes are still overshadowed by AJ's simple life
I think I would want to have Silver be unaware of the fact that these things do overshaddow his stuff but I don't know.>they can provide a counter to his unabashed in-your-face showboating and gaudy branding.
This Silver has yet to display the trait of showboating. I am not saying that couldn't have this character trait he has but it is not something I have yet given him. I guess there is one thing though when i think about it.>gaudy branding
If you refering to the logo on his skyscraper than I agree that it is gaudy. The reason I put it there in the first place was actually not because I wanted to show of his showboating side but because I relaise how similar his character and situation was to Tony Stark's. I am not a marvel fan but I have watched the first Avengers movie in which Tony Stark's Tower is mention. I realised that Star and Stark are so similar that I could refernce it. I have some kind of neptune syndrome and therefore I try to put in refernces everywhere. If you looked through the text, if you haven't already noticed, there are a number of them. If I am going to be more serious however, then I will tone down the use of refernces since they only take away from the story.
Now that I the character has a gaudy brand I could either go two way, at least from what I see. I could have Silver be a cocky fuck or I could have it just a simple name he took because he didn't want to overthink it.
My version of Silver is someone who has gotten rich by making deals not developing a company and then I got to a point were could buy smaller companies and sudddenly he had an empire.
What are your thoughts?>>4398>makes him a presentable
I am not being sarcastic when I ask but genuinly curious of what it means for a character to be presentable. Can you elaborate?>I'm unironically enjoying this rewrite
Muh Feelings https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3wNQHnEXBLs
Not: embarrassing, an eyesore, an insult to the franchise, nauseating to behold, a waste of everyone's time, an affront to the practice of writing.
>Apples-Applejack >Oranges-Silver Star
Maybe a family fued?>>4402
>>4400>I thought that I could have Applejack being the one that resented Silver due to the fact that he got rich through George Soros-tier bullshit econmics and stock exchange instead of hard wrok in the form of manual labour or at least something that provided something to society.
You could do both actually. Silver can be someone who started off with good intentions but got lost in the greedy egotistic factor. The kind of person who wanted to expand the apple family 'brand' but and went into the business side to do it, without their approval because it's not the Apple way.
As far as AJ resenting him, it can be more like he knows of her but she doesnt know of him because hes the black-sheep of the apple family and was kept secret from her, ashamed of what he became. AJ would definitely still side against his Soros like methods especially now, but with your idea of involving the Oranges (Learning the business side) would be like a fate that Applejack narrowly avoided. So she could be conflicted about Silver as a whole over time and play a good part in his development unlike in the Nigel-fic where she's just practically irrelevant and it's just there to make Silver look good in comparison.
The gaudy branding Silver does I was talking about is a reference to how he remakes literally everything he touches with that stupid orange and blue star. it's part of chapter one, he breaks into a window then remakes the window but with his stainglass star 'brand'. its just more egotism from him, he has to let everyone know that he was there and changed the window. he does this a lot with anything he owns. He is basically obsessed with orange and blue combination, and has his house having orange or blue windows, and likewise the door. The orange/blue is the same colors of his cutiemark, so as always with silver it's all self-absorbed with no sense of awareness. Unlike Nigel's version where he's their pride and joy gag worthy, if the Apple family turned their backs on him then it gives a good reason for his insecurity and lone wolf egotism.
I think the fact they might have known eachother when AJ ran away from home to the Oranges and learn the higher classlife has some potential, and it would work with Silver's ego/insecurity that he thought AJ would agreewith him, since they both wanted a different path from the typical apple family life. Just going on a re-write of the Nigelfic for Chapter2,I would imagine it would be a real sting if AJ didnt recognize him at the party and then he has a sort of breakdown over this and needs to get out for air and teleports out. Instead of the retarded and autistic unfunny Nigelfic "i needed to fart" reasonin the original version.
Lol, I leave for a couple of days and Swedanon hijacks my hijacking of Nigel's thread.
I like how you flesh out this character. Judging by the shitstorm for this fic, I guess it's a great improvement on your part. Consider a pastebin when you finish planning this story out.
Also just so you know I'm interested to read your interpretation of this story and will post my thoughts once I've read it, I just haven't quite gotten to it yet.
>>4404>He is basically obsessed with orange and blue combination,>it's all self-absorbed with no sense of awareness.
I wasn't aware of this. It is like Silver has OCD. It is actually hilarious! >without their approval because it's not the Apple way. >because hes the black-sheep of the apple family>if the Apple family turned their backs on him then it gives a good reason for his insecurity and lone wolf egotism.
I like this idea and pretty much this entire post is intressting. I, however, don't have much to add at least not now. Thank you for your input. It was great.>then he has a sort of breakdown over this and needs to get out for air and teleports out. Instead of the retarded and autistic unfunny Nigelfic "i needed to fart" reasonin the original version.
I don't know. You have to ask yourself which one is more dramatic?>>4407
Thanks so much. I actually have pastebin account but I have yet to upload anything.
Please do. I would love some input.
Not that I disapprove given the circumstances, Nigel was unironically praising reddit which is everything this site was founded against, but isn't there a policy against using information gained through staff positions to out people?
I have seen mods using hashes to out samefagging trolls before with little complaint, but you do raise a good point.
To be clear again, I don't disapprove, since samefagging is a form of shilling. It's simply a precedent we should keep in mind for future reference in case someone tries to define 'information' as 'knowledge gained through moderation tools' which would include spotting samefags samefagging in a thread with no post IDs or flags. Atlas might have to add more legalese to the policy page if it starts coming up as an issue in the future.
To respond with clarity>No staff member shall use the information he obtains in his position on staff for personal gain, lulz, or to harass/humiliate a user or other staff members
The purpose of the notice was not to harass/humiliate the user, but to indicate that the shilling (same-fagging) had not gone unnoticed and to make a statement about derailing the RWSS thread.
Nigel probably wouldn't view it that way, if he hasn't left the site completely in shame, and good riddance if he has.
So far my impression of this is that it is indeed a much better handling of the Silver Star character and the story than in Nigel's work. I do have a couple of minor issues: one is that the sentence structure and grammar is a bit awkward at times. I'm guessing from your flag that English is not your first language so that can probably be allowed to slide, but you may want to go back over it at some point and do some editing. Most of it is fairly minor but nonetheless noticeable, like saying "He wasn't even looking at Ground direction" instead of "He wasn't even looking in Grounds' direction"; things like that. Also I notice you introduce the shop owner as Coffee Grounds (which is the character's name in Nigel's work), but by the end of the exchange you're calling him Coffee Beans.
That said, the actual structure of the story is again much better than the original. Probably the best thing about this is that it eliminates the massive blocks of speech and inner monologue and tediously detailed action sequences that bog down Nigel's story. Nigel, if you're paying attention, this is a fine demonstration of how to properly build a scene.
Most notable is that the dialogue between Silver and Coffee Grounds/Beans reads like an actual conversation. Each speaker says something, and then the next speaker speaks. This sounds like an obvious way of putting it but in Nigel's story the conversations are mostly dominated by huge walls of text spoken by Silver "your nutsac belongs in my butt crack" Star. Probably the most excruciating example is the "date" scene, which consists of Twilight asking single-sentence questions and Silver going on for pages and pages explaining how he is able to do cool magic tricks.
In any dialog between two characters, no single character should be speaking for for more than a sentence or two. Occasionally a character will need to make a big speech or explain something which requires a larger section of quoted text, but this should definitely be used sparingly. If you find your characters doing this a lot it's usually a good indicator that you need to go back over your dialogue and cut some stuff out. To Nigel's credit it's actually very easy to fall into the trap that he does. The problem is that the way we think is different from the way we communicate. Thought is usually a continuous stream of ideas flowing in a somewhat incoherent stream through your head. If you sit down and attempt to write out anything you have to say on a given topic, you find that even though you know exactly what to say in your head, putting it into words can be difficult. However, with discipline you can generally compose solid, coherent paragraphs that convey everything you want to convey.
Speech is different. The next time you have a conversation with someone, pay attention to how much you are able to say before it becomes apparent that the other person wants to say something. Most of the time you are only able to get a sentence or two out before the other person will speak, and they will do the same until you speak again. You also only have a short time to translate your ideas into something that can be communicated and often you won't be as articulate on a given topic in conversation as you are on paper. A conversation on a complex topic will generally play out as a long, convoluted back and forth that may have completely deviated from the original topic by the time you get to the end. This is vastly different from a written essay, where the author has the ability to sit and think for a while, then write, then think, then write.
That's what is so unnatural about Nigel's dialogue; his characters don't interact with each other, they give speeches. Or rather, Silver gives speeches and all other characters just stand around and listen. The difference between your version of this scene and Nigel's illustrate this perfectly. In Nigel's, Silver just berates and lectures Coffee for paragraphs and paragraphs at a time, and it just makes the person reading it instantly hate the character. Your version of this character is really as much of a dick as Nigel's. The end result is functionally the same; Silver cuts through the shop owner's sales pitch, assesses that he is in a more vulnerable position than he lets on, and chooses to take advantage of this and acquire the shop at well below asking price (though I also notice you make the monetary figures add up more sensibly, good job there too). However, Silver keeps most of his thoughts to himself. We get to learn who this character is by observing his behavior, rather than listening to his philosophies and ideologies in his own words. The standard mantra is "Show, don't tell" and this does a fine job of demonstrating that principle.
Also of note is that you do a good job of doing what I've been trying to convince Nigel to do for a long time now: filter out unnecessary crap. These first two posts basically take the first major scene in Nigel's first chapter and condense it down to its essential elements.
What fundamentally happens? Silver "my ass is like a roller coaster baby baby you want to ride" Star meets with Coffee Grounds and buys his shop. What is the subtext here? Coffee Grounds is trying to present his business as successful but ultimately he needs to get rid of it. You alter the specific reason he's trying to get rid of it from the original text but in this case it's not important, as it only really affects the reader's perception of the Coffee Grounds character, who is incidental. You also move the location of the coffee shop from Canterlot to Ponyville.
In any event, the central focus is Silver Star, who we are being introduced to. Which leads us to the final significant element: what is this scene trying to communicate? Mainly that Silver is a savvy businesspony, somewhat ruthless, probably more than a little arrogant, who is not above taking advantage of others in a weak position. He is successful and knows his way around a negotiating table. This is a very good introduction to Silver. Bear in mind that we learn all of this about him just from these two posts, and that is all I have read so far. The total word count for this section of text is 1,756. For comparison, Nigel's original text does not arrive at this point in the narrative until 11,938 words in.
Now, to be fair, that is just a raw word count from the beginning of the text until the end of the Coffee Grounds interview. In your text you cut out a couple of major scenes that consume a lot of text in Nigel's work. Again most of what you cut out is just unnecessary bullshit that needed to be trimmed anyway: we are spared the excruciatingly dull scene where Silver straps on his magic rocket boots and goes flying around all over Canterlot, for instance. You also reduce the initial exchange between Silver and Aquilla down to a couple of lines of dialogue before moving on to Coffee and Silver. This is also probably a good choice; Nigel's scene basically consists of a conversation with Aquilla where Silver admits to some feelings of discontentment and boredom. This really shouldn't happen before the character has been properly introduced; with a character like this, who is meant to be an initially unlikable character who you gradually learn there is more to than meets the eye, you want to peel back layers gradually like an onion. You want your introduction to the character to pique curiosity while only showing a single side of him. In this case, making the reader's first impression of Silver to be of his business acumen and ruthlessness was a good choice, particularly since you revealed this through events rather than just having Silver blather.
The scene I personally would not have cut, however, is the opening scene where Coffee Grounds is going up the elevator. That scene was one of a handful of things Nigel actually managed to do well, and I was basically enjoying the story up until the point where he switched over to Silver and his time spells and rocket boots. It's a good scene for a number of reasons: it introduces the story from the perspective of an incidental side character rather than the main character, which allows the reader to get an initial impression of characters and events from a distance. We learn that Coffee is going to meet with someone named Silver Star, and all we know about him is that he is mysterious and important. This piques initial reader curiosity and gives the author something to build on as he gradually presents the character. It's also good because it fleshes out the Coffee Grounds character and gives him a motivation and personality. Any opportunity you can take to humanize a side character, even if the character will only appear once, should be taken, so long as it doesn't make you deviate too much from the main story. It fleshes out your world and makes it feel more like a real place inhabited by real people/horses.
Thank you for your thoughts. I will comment on it later when I have time.
Also, not because I really feel that this is needed to be said, you don't have to sugercoat any of your criticism. I want to improve.
Alright, here are my thoughts on the rest of it, Swedanon.
Again, while it may not be something you can reasonably be blamed for due to your living in a Swahili-speaking country, your English is a bit awkward and it interferes with the telling of your story. One thing you may want to pay attention to is comma use. It's not a mistake you make consistently but there are multiple places in this story where a sentence goes on longer than it should without any punctuation like this one that I am right here writing like this see what I am doing it reads funny when there are no commas being used. Also, while your dialog is generally better than Nigel's it is still somewhat awkward. You may want to go back over your characters' speaking parts and experiment a little with rewriting their sentences. Try to use fewer words and make them flow more like natural speech.
Here's an example:>I will soon be taking my leave for today, sir. I just wanted to know if there was anything you want me to do before I go.
This sentence is grammatically correct and there's nothing wrong with it from a technical perspective, but as dialog it's a bit stiff. Silver's response is not much better:>Oh, nothing really… Perhaps you could pour me a shot of that whiskey by Emerald whiskers. I feel like celebrating It is a transparent bottle with a big label that reads Liquid Emeralds. It is in that cupboard, the second shelf from the top to the right.
Although the nod to the illustrious King Battlebrit's iconic Emerald Whiskers character is noted and appreciated, the homage might work better if these characters didn't sound like robots reading lines from an Aaron Sorkin script. Again, aim for a natural flow of words, and try not to use more words than are necessary to communicate what you want the character to say. Here's a rewrite of that short exchange between Silver and Aquilla for comparison:
>I'm leaving for today, sir. You need anything else before I go?>Not really. I suppose you could pour me a drink. Use the new stuff I bought, the Emerald Whiskers brand. Liquid Emeralds, I think it's called. You'll find it in the cupboard, second shelf from the top on the right. I rather feel like celebrating.
See how it feels a bit more natural? Writing natural-sounding dialog is more of an art than a science, and it's a fairly common thing to struggle with. I still find myself rewriting dialog more often than any other part of a story. Just play around with it and see what sounds better. I've found it also helps to listen to other people's conversations and make a note of how they say things. Pay attention both to what words the person used to say what they had to say, as well as the information they were trying to convey. People have different ways of speaking and it's a good idea to think how one character in your story uses language vs. another. The differences don't need to be huge, but each character should have a speaking style that fits their character. For instance, with Applejack you can use a lot of Southernisms and country slang; Pinkie Pie speaks very hyperactively; Rainbow Dash speaks casually and says "awesome" a lot; Twilight sounds like a bookworm; Rarity is overly polite and well mannered; you get the idea.
If you want a really interesting study in dialog writing you should read The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. Mark Twain literally went around to different regions of America with a notebook taking detailed, autistic notes about all the various dialects and speaking styles in America. He replicated nineteenth century Nigger-speak so effectively it eventually caused the book to be banned in American high schools because muh racism.
Something you do well that I think is worth developing is the way you intersperse dialog with descriptions of events, and conveying information through conversation rather than narrative whenever possible. For instance, the way you have Silver and Aquilla do a back-and-forth while she's pouring him a drink. You have a sentence or two of dialog from one character, then something happens, then the other character responds. Tiny little slice of life type scenes like this are the best way to bring characters to life. I think if you could learn to write more naturally flowing dialog you could really tell some engaging and convincing stories using this technique.
I'd like to delve more into the meat of this section of story as well, but I think I will use another post to do it as I only have about 1500 chars remaining and there are a few things I want to address.>>4422>And I can take it.that's right you can
The events that transpire in this scene don't feel natural. Part of it is your dialog as I explained in the previous post, but that's not all. Your characters' actions and behaviors don't feel natural. Basically, the sequence of events here is: Silver is sitting in his office gloating about how he got one over on Coffee Beans/Grounds, and Aquilla is pouring him a drink. It's a perfectly natural situation for these two to be in and, except for the awkward dialog, feels reasonably natural. However, the situation gets weird fast. Silver makes some offhanded remark to her that she takes offense to, she gets angry and yells at him, then breaks his glass. He reacts by getting even angrier and firing her. Then she immediately becomes penitent and teary eyed, begging for her job back. Silver shows her no pity and tells her to leave again. Then, as she is leaving, she tells him she pities him for being lonely. The scene ends with Silver stewing by himself.
I get what you were going for here, and it wasn't a bad idea. The idea here was to illustrate that Silver is cold and arrogant and tends to look down on beings he considers less intelligent than he, which is basically everypony. Aquilla, who cares for him on some level, takes offense at this, and explodes on him when he insults her in this way. By having him get angry and fire her over something relatively minor, even as she's begging him to reconsider, you illustrate both that Silver is a coldhearted and arrogant pony, and that this is really just a front that conceals his loneliness and ennui. You establish his initial motivation for (assuming your story will follow the same trajectory as Nigel's) the main plot of the story, which is basically "Silver moves to Ponyville and learns to make friends." In theory it's a great scene and a much better means of conveying this information than the cringe-inducing emo ballad in Nigel's text. By all means you are on the right track here. However, in execution, it sadly falls flat.
The issue here as with the dialog is that the exchange just doesn't feel natural. Your characters' emotions go from zero to 60 and back again with very little warning. Aquilla is just pouring Silver a drink, you don't get any insight into her thoughts as she's doing it. There is nothing in any of the exchange up until this point suggesting that she might be about to get angry. She just explodes on him out of nowhere. Silver, too, overreacts in a way that the reader will likely puzzle at.
Getting characters to emote convincingly is one of the hardest things to do when writing fiction, and I myself admit to struggling with it. A common mistake is to assume that making your characters behave more emotionally will amplify the emotional content in a scene. This is a yuge
mistake; the kind of fiction this type of pseudo-emotion produces is the stuff cringe threads are made of. Unless you're writing about characters who are bipolar, transgendered, or otherwise psychologically unstable, usually it's safe to assume that they won't just burst into tears for no reason, or get majorly angry out of nowhere.
It ties into something I've been trying to drill into Nigel's skull over the course of many, many posts: characterization. The key to writing effective emotional content is understanding who your characters are at a fundamental level. What defines them? What's important to them? What makes them tick? Even if you're just writing some simple piece of flash fiction like this, where you're just going to write a single scene and never touch these characters again, you still need to flesh them out and make them into real individuals.
Who is Aquilla, for example? We know she's a griffon, and you establish that she has kids and has been working for Silver for two weeks. Based on that information, does it make sense that she would get this angry over such a minor insult? She clearly needs the job, and has responsibilities that preclude her being reckless and impulsive the way someone without kids could afford to be. While she might have some initial spark of interest in her boss (this doesn't necessarily mean sexual interest, btw), her thoughts are likely going to be more focused on her kids and her family and her life outside of work than on Silver at this point. She probably just wants to pour this faggot a drink and get home; his comment would likely annoy her but she'd probably let it slide. Imagine yourself in this situation. Do you cuss out your boss every time he says or does something that annoys you? A more appropriate reaction would be to just suck it in, say "Yes sir no sir" the way she's supposed to, then go out for drinks later with friends and make fun of her lame, pathetic, lonely boss behind his back.
If it's crucial to your scene that she react more emotionally to Silver's insults, you need to establish an initial connection between her and Silver more effectively. Why does she care what this douchebag thinks of her enough to get this mad over it? The fact that she baked him muffins isn't enough; why did she bake him muffins? Why does she give a shit even though he's clearly a thoughtless asshole? To achieve this effect you'd be better off establishing Aquilla as kind of a Wayland Smithers to Silver's Mr. Burns, or a Miss Moneypenny to Silver's James Bond: the tireless, loyal, underappreciated assistant who has stuck by her cad boss through thick and thin, and remains loyal no matter how badly he treats her.
Also, however you end up structuring your characters and their relationships to each other, you need to lead into the outburst better. Build tension; don't just have them go from casual conversation to heated argument in the space of a line or two. Writing is a lot like acting in that you need to understand your characters thoroughly in order to present them effectively to an audience. Overacting is not an effective substitute.
>>4395>And then he farted.
Okay, I totally didn't see that twist ending coming.
On a completely random and unrelated topic, does anyone know how to get Unity to render in a lower resolution and color depth? I want to make a game with that type of N64 look.
Oh shit, that will probably work. Thank you.
Man, why do so many people want Silver Star Apple to be a cunt to everyone, even his own secretary?
Is this some kind of "I need to rationalize away why he was so mean to my waifu" or is this just supposed to annoy me? Because greentext of my OC is still greentext of my OC.
Hey Nigel, there's some Glimmerniggers on 8ch/trap/ ,… I think they would appreciate your take on the matter
He was a cunt before hand tho
Is there a character that could even possibly EVEN TOUCH Silver Star? Let alone defeat him. And I'm not talking about Edo Tensei Silver Star. I'm not talking about Gedou Rinne Tensei Silver Star either. Hell, I'm not even talking about Juubi Jinchuuriki Gedou Rinne Tensei Silver Star with the Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan and Rinnegan doujutsus (with the rikodou abilities and being capable of both Amateratsu and Tsukuyomi genjutsu), equipped with his Gunbai, a perfect Susano'o, control of the juubi and Gedou Mazou, with Hashirama Senju's DNA implanted in him so he has mokuton kekkei genkai and can perform yin yang release ninjutsu while being an expert in kenjutsu and taijutsu. I’m also not talking about Kono Yo no Kyūseishu Futarime no Rikudō Juubi Jinchuuriki Gedou Rinne Tensei Silver Star with the Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan (which is capable of Enton Amaterasu, Izanagi, Izanami and the Tsyukuyomi Genjutsu), his two original Rinnegan (which grant him Chikushōdō, Shuradō, Tendō, Ningendō, Jigokudō, Gakidō, Gedō, Banshō Ten’in, Chibaku Tensei, Shinra Tensei, Tengai Shinsei and Banbutsu Sōzō) and a third Tomoe Rinnegan on his forehead, capable of using Katon, Fūton, Raiton, Doton, Suiton, Mokuton, Ranton, Inton, Yōton and even Onmyōton Jutsu, equipped with his Gunbai(capable of using Uchihagaeshi) and a Shakujō because he is a master in kenjutsu and taijutsu, a perfect Susano’o (that can use Yasaka no Magatama ), control of both the Juubi and the Gedou Mazou, with Hashirama Senju’s DNA and face implanted on his chest, his four Rinbo Hengoku Clones guarding him and nine Gudōdama floating behind him AFTER he absorbed Senjutsu from the First Hokage, entered Rikudō Senjutsu Mode, cast Mugen Tsukuyomi on everybody and used Shin: Jukai Kōtan so he can use their Chakra while they are under Genjutsu. I'm definitely NOT Talking about sagemode sage of the six paths Juubi Jinchuuriki Gedou Rinne Tensei Super Saiyan 4 Silver Star with the Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan, Rinnegan, Mystic Eyes of Death Perception, and Geass doujutsus, equipped with Shining Trapezohedron while casting Super Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann as his Susanoo, controlling the Gold Experience Requiem stand, having become the original vampire after Alucard, able to tap into the speedforce, wearing the Kamen Rider Black RX suit and Gedou Mazou, with Hashirama Senju's DNA implanted in him so he has mokuton kekkei genkai and can perform yin yang release ninjutsu while being an expert in kenjutsu and taijutsu and having eaten Popeye's spinach. I'm talking about sagemode sage of the six paths Juubi Jinchuuriki Gedou Rinne Tensei Legendary Super Saiyan 4 Silver Star with the Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan, Rinnegan, Mystic Eyes of Death Perception, and Geass doujutsus, equipped with his Shining Trapezohedron while casting Super Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann as his Susanoo, controlling the Gold Experience Requiem stand, having become the original vampire after having absorbed Alucard as well as a God Hand, able to tap into the speedforce, wearing the Kamen Rider Black RX suit, with Kryptonian DNA implanted in him and having eaten Popeye's spinach while possessing quantum powers like Dr. Manhattan and having mastered Hokuto Shinken.
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This is an amazing list of character traits and development. Thank you for analyzing the character so thouroughly