I'm gonna preface this by openly declaring that the following is a very long-winded explanation/apology addressed: To whom it may concern.
Foremost, my intentions going forward in/and around the site are intended to be positive, generative, productive, and mutually enjoyable/beneficial to staff and poster alike, and I ask for your patience as I 'comb through the knots', in a figurative sense. I am at service of anyone who isn't a dick about asking.
Secondly, I have reason to - and will in due course (whether through amended behavior or explicit gesture) - apologize to everyone on staff, and especially to anonymous. I have at interval "But mostly not so it was okay, right?" violated confidences, abused responsibilities/duties, and generally warranted far worse treatment than I have given. I have been particularly cruel with my words, and while I will attempt to explain further on what was occurring and why I behaved the way I did (and how I will combat the impulses involved going forward), I am under no illusions that I could be rightfully be said to be unwelcome on the site; that I am NOT is it's self a testament to the wonderful place it is, "even if it isn't the place I/we hoped it would be when we set out to build and grow it". It is still here, and that alone is remarkable.
To the explanations, I don't want to go into a lengthy blogpost, but it probably will not come as any surprise that I am a very damaged individual with "more issues than a Dentist's lobby". I used to think I knew how bad it when 'we all' first met. NOW I have a more or less certain comprehension and holy shit,.... This is just an explanation, but it took me months to find a psychologist with the correct specialty who WASN'T a resident prison psychologist.
The point being, with knowledge comes a framework to structure around complications and symptoms, and I'm working on it with assistance of a professional. They know about mlpol, sorry.
So, for anyone who sees me in rooms and is all like "Uh, are we sure about this guy? Didn't he flip out a bunch of times and kinda sorta hint at doxxing people?" yeah,... that's me and I'm sorry, and I hope you'll appreciate my commitment to never be that way again.
His eyes dart involuntarily toward his broom, in the corner with a layer of dust on it
/Test/ - Testing Grounds
Boom
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Anonymous
No.2460
Further, in the interest of disclosure (so if I have an episode, you all know what you're looking at):
Now that my depression is more manageable, what remains is a very deep and VERY natural sense of rage and resentment for effectively 40 years of VERY otherwise-avoidable lost time; this feeds into a savage/reflexive belligerence (and tendency for paranoid ideation due to childhood ptsd) toward any aggression (real or imagined) including and especially toward malevolent intent, and it doesnt even have to be directed at me necessarily.
I'm what happens when children get diddled early on, effectively told to never talk about it "after it was over and we moved", and then left to be raised by a narcissistic older brother while both neglected.
Wah, wah, I know, I'm just saying, I didnt ask to have these issues, and Im sorry that/when they spill out.
Now that my depression is more manageable, what remains is a very deep and VERY natural sense of rage and resentment for effectively 40 years of VERY otherwise-avoidable lost time; this feeds into a savage/reflexive belligerence (and tendency for paranoid ideation due to childhood ptsd) toward any aggression (real or imagined) including and especially toward malevolent intent, and it doesnt even have to be directed at me necessarily.
I'm what happens when children get diddled early on, effectively told to never talk about it "after it was over and we moved", and then left to be raised by a narcissistic older brother while both neglected.
Wah, wah, I know, I'm just saying, I didnt ask to have these issues, and Im sorry that/when they spill out.
Anonymous
No.2525
The problem with early childhood trauma is that the child can NEVER properly socialize and will ALWAYS display behaviors that can be mistaken for autism, not exclusively. Theres a conditioned inability to reciperocate certain social norms and ettiquette, or a disproportionate response to body language, tone, etc.
The problem here is that, a general majority of people will find this person unsettling and/or off-putting. They will spend the remainder of their life more or less ostracized, and their isolation will make them prey to the anywhere from 1-5% of the population that is statistically malevolent, pathological, or narcis-sociopathic.
That child will grow wondering when theyre going to be targeted again, almost expecting it, never able to fully relax in their own home or their own skin.
Now the abusers, the crafty ones in particular, will play a very long game of finding out how to upset the person with as minimal effort as possible. This serves the purpose of plausible deniability - just messing around, we were just playing, etc. - and then maintain that pressure whether constantly or incrementally.
The target will become increasingly sensitive, to the point that they boil over with the slightest provocation from the abuser. Their reactions going forward will be reliably disproportionate to the stimulus, and any authority with the ability TO have ceased the behavior no longer has any patience at all and simply wants the matter closed.
This is the story of my life and its playing out again. I cant imagine how exhausted you all must be with me by now, CERTAINLY not interested in any more of my long-winded 'poor me' tirades. And Im tired of giving them. Just let me play the fucking game in a semblance of peace, thats all I ever asked for.
The problem here is that, a general majority of people will find this person unsettling and/or off-putting. They will spend the remainder of their life more or less ostracized, and their isolation will make them prey to the anywhere from 1-5% of the population that is statistically malevolent, pathological, or narcis-sociopathic.
That child will grow wondering when theyre going to be targeted again, almost expecting it, never able to fully relax in their own home or their own skin.
Now the abusers, the crafty ones in particular, will play a very long game of finding out how to upset the person with as minimal effort as possible. This serves the purpose of plausible deniability - just messing around, we were just playing, etc. - and then maintain that pressure whether constantly or incrementally.
The target will become increasingly sensitive, to the point that they boil over with the slightest provocation from the abuser. Their reactions going forward will be reliably disproportionate to the stimulus, and any authority with the ability TO have ceased the behavior no longer has any patience at all and simply wants the matter closed.
This is the story of my life and its playing out again. I cant imagine how exhausted you all must be with me by now, CERTAINLY not interested in any more of my long-winded 'poor me' tirades. And Im tired of giving them. Just let me play the fucking game in a semblance of peace, thats all I ever asked for.